How Loving Being Vulnerable Gets You More Love – No Matter What

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 When you’re sick, you feel Vulnerable.

I’ve had a cold for a few days, and though it’s slowed me down some, there’s something about being “under the weather” that can really work for us, here.

This is what usually happens to us when we get a cold or flu: We don’t have the energy we need to get through a day easily – to be pleasant and upbeat, creative and productive, sexy and at our best – so we work extra hard just to do what we normally do – sometimes just what we have to do.

Most of us start off dealing with it by taking enough over-the-counter medication to stop our noses from running and take the edge off the aches and pains, and then we push ourselves to get out there and accomplish as usual. We step-up even more, slogging through the heaviness we feel in our bodies and over-compensating for our low energy.

And if we’re dating, or in a serious relationship or marriage, we don’t want to be a “drag,” so we work extra hard to be “perky” and “upbeat.”

Well, if the key to connecting with a man is Vulnerability – then even a cold can be useful if we practice surrendering to it instead of fighting against it.

If you can practice experiencing that “under the weather” feeling, and all the feelings of frustration and sadness that come with it, and practicing loving the feeling of softness that comes over you when you surrrender to not feeling good instead of fighting it – it will help you tremendously with a man when you’re feeling well and good.

Start this way (this can work even when you have a headache, or a bruise, or cramps or hot flashes…):

1. Notice how you feel. For instance, I notice right now that I’m very, very aware of how every inch of my body feels, how my breathing goes, how the murkiness in my head and my lack of energy feels in my arms and legs. I’m aware of wanting to just sleep all day and how part of me is still fighting to stay productive

The trick here is to use being “under the weather” to experience being Vulnerable – and to still function pretty well – at the same time. The secret to it is to:

2. Accept the way you feel. Notice if you’re Resisting the headache, the hot flash, the runny nose. Notice if you’re tensing up your body against it or making a negative comment about it. Say to yourself: “This is what I’m feeling right now, and it’s okay…”

When you feel like you have no energy – part of what’s happening is that so much of your energy is tied up in fighting the sickness. ( And I don’t mean here the forces your body is marshalling to fight the sickness, but the tension, the mental energy we use to RESIST the feeling of being sick.)

When we stop resisting, denying and acting as if we’re not feeling bad – we free up a whole bunch of energy to get done what we have to do (sometimes things even turn out to be more fun than you thought – like all of a sudden having an hour or two to finish that terrific novel you started reading weeks ago) – and as a bonus, our bodies get more of our energy to fight off the sickness, and we get better faster!

3. Don’t try to hide how you feel. Be willing to simply say to everyone around you – including children – “Hey, I’m not feeling so good. I have a cold, I feel sleepy and tired.”

This is completely different from “complaining” about the way you feel (remember step 2. of Accepting how you feel…) This is simply being able to share your Feeling State in a spirit of openness, warmth, acceptance, and – yes – letting people know you have a cold in case they want to stay away from you! And then you get to experience how that feels (and sometimes it feels disappointing – all of which is good practice for later on when things feel good…)

If you can share with a man, “I’ve got a cold. I feel all soft and gooey and tired and don’t feel much like even getting dressed and going out…,” you might get a surprise.

He just might show up with food, make you some tea, and sit and watch a movie with you on TV while you blow your nose and curl up in a robe. It can happen just like that – so start with loving feeling Vulnerable, even when you don’t feel at you’re best – and I look forward to hearing how it happens for you.

Love, Rori





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  1.  #1Tara S. Dickherber, M.Ed, CPC on September 15, 2008 at 11:54 am

    Great advice/reminder for myself and my clients! Enjoyed your blog sight! Much luck and success to you!
    Tara S. Dickherber, M.Ed, CPC

  2.  #2Robyn on September 17, 2008 at 7:53 am

    Hi Rori, just wanted to say I like your stuff as its very easy to read. I actually read this article today whilst at home sick and didnt know what to say to my boyfriend as he asked me to go out today. So I love the fact that I found the right words and I can feel good just being myself and saying exactly how I feel! Thanks! 🙂

  3.  #3Jen on February 4, 2012 at 10:07 am

    Hi Rori,
    Thank you. This post helped me put one of the things that make me an overfunctioner. The old me would have sucked down some Thera flu, slap on the Vicks make some tea and still manage to clean the house, cook dinner and everything else. The new me now knows, recognizes and acknowledges that I need to first take care of me. To tell myself stop, get back in the bed and rest. I feel achy. I feel congested. I feel tired. And any other feelings that reflect my current condition and be able to express the things I don’t want to do and not feel guilty.

    I hope I got it and was able to identify the message correctly.

    On my Journey…………

  4.  #4patricia on September 13, 2012 at 7:27 am

    thank you so much ……..this helped me tremendously put the smile back on my resisting mouth.