How Many Men Can You Have Sex With At the Same Time (On Different Days, Anyway)

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sexyguybackHere’s some clarification about how to handle sex when you’re Circular Dating – a jump-off from a letter:

“Hi Rori,
Just wanted to say you are an amazing woman and you given me my power back with the Targeting Mr Right program.

I’m in an exclusive relationship and about to give my man the no-boyfriend speech. I have already met someone and starting the circular dating process.

It feels daunting and I’m scared of the fact that I may lose him completely when he discovers that I want to just date him and not be exclusive with him any more, but I guess he’s not offering me a lifelong commitment which is what I want.
Rori I am a little confused with the sexual exclusivity process on your DVD’s. If I’m sleeping and dating guy A and I now meet guy B who I want to sleep with, do I drop guy A from the rotation, how do I handle the situation with guy A? You said one partner at a time. I’m feeling a little confused with the information, please clarify. Thank you, Shirley”

Here’s my answer:

First – you need to know if you have an actual sexual exclusivity deal with guy A.

If you do, then you know, by sleeping with guy B, you will have to tell Guy A about it before you sleep with HIM again.

That’s the only truthful thing to do.

So…if you’re willing to give guy A up for guy B because guy A will not stand a “multi-amorous” (I just made that up) relationship with you, then you’re fine.

But you have to also be fine with guy B not picking up the ball and running with it.

If you can be a Rock Star, and just date men in the service of healing yourself and learning so much that the most fabulous man will show up for you – then you won’t CARE what happens. You will date, you will take lovers, you will tell the truth, and you will be happy – no matter what any of the men choose to do.

Bottom line, a man who cannot commit to you forever cannot have you all to himself.

And, if you are a woman who can have more than one lover at a time without getting hung up on any part of the connection – then you can do whatever you want!

I certainly would not sleep with Guy B until he meets the qualifications of being around you long enough that you KNOW you feel good around him and that he’s truly interested in forever with you.

And you do not have to tell Guy A a thing (unless you DID have an exclusive relationship and were not truthful with him about dating other men) – until he moves to have sex with you.

Then you have to talk. You let him know that one of your dates has moved into the physical, and you don’t want to hurt him, but that honesty and openness are important to you, and that…again, you don’t want to put pressure on your relationship with him, and so you need to explore all your options until he makes a decision.

This can loosely be called “polyamory.”  It simply means, in this context, having meaningful, fully sexual relationships with more than one man, openly.  (No lying, so no cheating.)

Sounds pretty “Rock Star” to me.

But what you don’t want to do is get into one-night-stands, and letting your sexuality get spread around to men who are NOT intent on having a “meaningful relationship” with you.  Sometimes you’ll make “mistakes” – and that simply means that the outcomes and results don’t feel good to you.  And with sex, you have the extra responsibility of safety precautions, which requires a real conversation with a man, and is good practice around Speaking Your Truth all by itself!

And that’s why I say – Start with the idea of one sexual partner at a time.  It gives you a chance to discover what’s going on with a man, and how you feel about YOU in his presence.  It helps you be more “methodical” with Circular Dating – it’s the one place I want you to use your brain to plan your schedule and keep track of the Tools you’re using and how you’re feeling every step of the way.

It helps you feel like you’re in control, it keeps you from getting carried away by “chemistry” before you’ve found how you FEEL about the quality of the emotional connection between you and a man.

It helps you AVOID drama that will just kick in your resistance to your feelings all over again, and push you further away from yourself.

Sex has a way of intensifying everything…and with Circular Dating we’re not looking for “intensity.”  We’re looking for a cool head.  We’re looking for moving slowly, taking time for the 6 Good E’s – for experiencing and experimenting, exploring, engaging, expressing, expanding…for feeling your way through in a deeper way than you’ve ever allowed yourself to live before.

Circular Dating and Targeting Mr. Right is about Responding rather than “reacting.”  A reaction is most often an old pattern – it’s what you’ve always done before, it’s automatic, it’s not deeply felt.  It’s what you do when you’re not in touch with yourself and your real feelings in the moment.  It’s what you do as a defense, as a protection.

A Response comes from YOU, from your feelings, from your awareness of what feels good.  Responding comes with practice.  The more you practice finding and expressing your feelings, the deeper and more satisfying the response.  The more you practice, the less tension and the more joy.

So what we’re concerned with here is making the nuts-and-bolts of how you Circular Date and the rules you create for yourself around sex HELP you practice Responding in an ever deeper, happier, more blissful and easy way.  And there are many ways to get there.

This is a huge topic, and I’ll be getting  more into this.  I was pretty wild in one period of my life, and I wouldn’t take that back for anything – so I do know something about juggling men – but I never did it in a way that had more than momentary good-feeling results (and not because sex was involved, but because I did not then value myself wholly and know how to just BE with a man in other ways).

I met a woman awhile back who was newly engaged to one of three men she had been involved with –  in meaningful, serious relationships – all at the same time.  She’s married to him, now, and they’re extraordinarily well-matched and happy.  I’m going to try to corral her for an interview for my Relationship Interview Series – or at least get her story for a post here…

Whether or not you include sex in Circular Dating is something you can experiment with.  We’re all different, we’re all in different places.  Let me know your stories, what you think, what you feel, your questions about how to go about doing this if you want to try, and how even talking about it triggers you!

And for you coaches and therapists out there…this is a perfect place to let us know your perspective…

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Mary on December 2, 2009 at 11:45 am

    Wow, Rori. I have a hard time getting my head around the rock star idea. Is it rock star to go around serving yourself and not worrying about hurting people? Having to stand around while the one you love is having sex with someone else is what makes people kill other people. I’m trying to juggle three men right now, and they complain that it’s sleazy, and they say they would never do that to me. I have always been such a giving, loving, self-sacrificing person. But in my last relationship, I traced the problems back to the moment that I said yes to being a girlfriend, and I heard your interview with Christian Carter, where you talked about not being a girlfriend, and I bought everything you have ever put out, looking for more on the subject! Now you’ve come out with Targeting Mr. Right, which I just finished, and there were a few things said about the guys, the way they handle it, guilt (I love my guilt) and the like. I would like to have heard a whole seminar on the deep hurts and the deep feelings around having sex with multiple people. It seems wrong to me.

    I did really love the idea of not having sex and multiple dating. That way, each guy knows that you have a cut-off point, and that you’re probably going to cut the other guys off at that cut-off point. At least they can tell that to themselves. That would make it easier for them. Not caring about them at all just doesn’t seem feminine or caring or right. Doing just what feels good to me seems selfish. Is that so old-school? I’m not sure…

  2.  #2Tina on December 2, 2009 at 12:44 pm

    Yikes! I feel there is way to much hormones flying around this situation. I want to have an intimate sexual relationship with all my circular dates 🙂 but I dont do it. I feel strong, I feel ok with me the way I am. Hell I want to have sex with every man I see 🙂 but I dont do it. My one and only dating guy cant hold my hand, he gets to nervous, he wants to “respect me” 🙂 He’s also IM’d with some pretty graphic details about what he’d like to do with me 🙂 I also sent him some links about sensual massage 🙂 anway the convo ended but yeah, we IM’d this morning and we agreed not to talk about sex for now, it just to intense of a subject for us onlying dating for a three weeks.

  3.  #3Daria on December 2, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    Dear Mary,

    A woman doing what she wants is not about ‘hurting people.’

    No one owns a woman’s body but herself. Therefore she can do what she wants with it. She is not responsible to sacrifice her own feelings (and wants and desires) for the feelings of other people. that would be hurting HERSELF. which is a nono

    is it hurtful to men on the street that want to sleep with her and don’t get to ? i mean what about their “feelings”

    what makes people want to kill people is anger and psychoness

    should the woman go on in a relationship that feels bad to her because a man expects to have sex with her?

    i feel really triggered by your post

  4.  #4Mercedes on December 2, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    Hmmm…it is very, very rare for people to be able to be involved in sexual relationships with lots of partners without someone getting hurt or feeling guilty or losing their self-respect or lowering their self-esteem. I realize it can (and does) work for some, but I’d advise to be VERY careful with this. Even though someone may feel going into a sexual relationship with another person won’t affect them emotionally…so many times it does anyway.

    Hurting people, playing with emotions, tempting jealousy, etc…not something I can get on board with. I guess we need to look at it from all perspectives. If, as a woman, you are sleeping with more than one man and you’re being honest and you expect none of those men are jealous or hurting because of those actions…then reverse the situation. Picture one or all of the men you are in a sexual relationship with having sex tonight with another attractive woman. Does it stir up bad feelings? Do you feel jealous? If so, you aren’t really on board with polyamory and not only that, you are expecting someone else to feel less for you than you feel for them. What does that say about your self-respect?

    In my opinion, if what we’re looking for is a man who wants to spend the rest of his life with us and if we’re with a man who is truly okay with us sleeping with multiple partners…can we expect to have found even the potential of a forever relationship with him?

    I guess I just look at my situation with J and if I told him I was sleeping with someone else along with him, two things would happen: 1. I would lose him forever. 2. I would shatter his heart into a million pieces. That’s the kind of man I want to be with. A man who loves me so much he cannot imagine losing me to someone else…a man who is willing to do anything to have me in his life forever…a man who has his entire heart invested in me and a man who trusts me with his heart. If I’m not with that man, then I probably need to hold off on the sex and go out there and FIND that man.

    I don’t know how else to put it, but unless you’re in a relationship where all people concerned understand and embrace polyamory, then someone is destined to be hurt. Very, very hurt.

    Much Love,

  5.  #5alias girl on December 2, 2009 at 2:36 pm

    three of my exes who i still like but sent away because they weren’t stepping up. all of them would have allowed me to have sex with other men while i was with them. and this was such a turn off for me.

    like, really? because i feel like punching you in the face to think you might be with another woman.

    so yeah, i kind of do things and one might consider them “tests”. but not really. just things i am thinking of doing. and i say them or do them to see how men respond. “hey i am dating other men looking for my guy”

    his response “ok”

    omg. please leave now.

    only because this is not what i want from my forever man. however, since these three men don’t care (allegedly) then i would like to have sex with all three of these men while i am looking for my forever man. but they can’t be the only man i am having sex with or else i will get hung up on him/them. so having sex with all of them would be fun. or just two of them. or all of them Plus one. hahaha. so my final answer to rori’s question of how many men i can sleep with at the same time would be 3 or 4. hahaha.

    but if the man was the potential to be my forever man then ONE ONE ONE ONE ONE. just him.

    in the meantime, 3 or 4. though if this would work for me in REALITY is somewhat debatable because i wouldn’t want any of these men having sex with other women. 🙂

    apparently i have fantasies of having my own harem. in reality i am having sex with no man right now.

    wow. i feel off track. what was the question?

  6.  #6Melanie on December 2, 2009 at 4:11 pm

    I just LOVE the way you girls talk on here. It is so genuine and honest and direct. Two great lines here, Alias Girl:

    1. “like, really? because i feel like punching you in the face to think you might be with another woman.”
    Yes! Lol. That is how I feel too. Unless I get my mind into sort of “porno-mode” and then I can feel -temporarily, and just in my head – ooh, yeah, I’ll watch you have sex with another woman, that’s such a turn-on because i’m going into physical-only mode and setting every other part of me on the shelf for a moment. But then when the other parts of me reconnect to the physical, I feel YUCK! THAT’s not what I want! I don’t want porno-feelings, I want all parts of me to stay together. I want to love and be loved, not f and be f’ed.

    2. “apparently i have fantasies of having my own harem.” yes, I feel that way too at times, but I don’t want HIM to have a harem, except for when I can get my mind into that mode (see #1)

    Rori, I feel confused about the guidelines. So, we shouldn’t have sex with a man if we know he isn’t the one we want to marry? I thought I read somewhere on here that it is best to sleep with the ones we don’t feel as much for, so we don’t get too attached. I slept with D. on our second date b/c I felt like it, and I also think I wanted to experiment to see if I could do it without feeling guilty about having sex without marriage (and I was very surprised that I did NOT feel guilty about that! However, I felt somewhat guilty for HIS sake, b/c it was clear that he really liked me and he thought the sex meant something special was happening btwn us emotionally.. attachment, etc. which I was NOT feeling, and knew i was not feeling. But I had not had sex in seven years, and it felt good. But, like the other girls said, I don’t know if it is fair to do that to a guy. If they really like us, they don’t want us to use them for recreation, or experiments, or practice. We wouldn’t want them to do that to us, would we?)

    TN man, on the other hand, was glad I had sex with D. b/c he wants me to work through my guilt issues before I am with him so we can really have fun. That feels weird to me, but then again, he is kind of weird (has some asperger’s).

  7.  #7Athol Kay on December 2, 2009 at 4:29 pm

    I think if I ever found out a woman I was dating wanted to sleep with other men besides me while staying in a relationship with me, I would instantly scratch her off as marriageble material. If she doesn’t want just me, why bother even pursuing a further relationship.

  8.  #8Nikita on December 2, 2009 at 5:15 pm

    gee… with lots of people…..cough (whore) oh why did I write that? I feel mean……but um yeah……..I don’t like it….what do you do if the condom breaks? and another one slips off inside you…then you get pregnant…then you abort? from fear….or embarassment? or selfishness? huh??or do you have the baby while all the guys you screwed wait in the emergency room to find out who gets saddled with child-support for this mmm….Cough(whore)….gee thanks mom….I love not knowing my dad……I feel so appreciative…… I feel super sarcastic now…..

  9.  #9Nikita on December 2, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    oh silly me I forgot all about the pill…..duh…….I’m still thinking whore though…..icky……I think it’s nasty if a man does it too……nasty…..and energetically…it feels cloudy…..I don’t want to be so connected to multiple energy systems…..all that angst floating around me……ick….ick….ick……

  10.  #10Jennifer on December 2, 2009 at 5:36 pm

    This is kind of a hot topic.
    any topic that makes us feel triggered should be discussed.
    I feel like the word whore is judgy. To me a whore is someone who tries to trade her body for brief moments of affection….in a desperate and clingy “oh god please don’t leave me I’ll do what you want” kinda way.
    Now…having said that…the woman who walks into a room knowing she can have any man there…and then DOES!?!?!?
    Super fantastic freakin HOT!
    And if she has more than one in a “it’s alllll good” kinda way…EVEN HOTTER.
    It’s all about what she has going on inside. And that’s Rori’s whole point.
    If you feel ok with more sex
    have more sex
    if you don’t
    then don’t
    Just be damned sure you know how you REALLY feel about it before you do it. Be true to your real feelings. Not the ones you THINK you should have.

  11.  #11Aldonza on December 2, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    I’m half triggered, half laughing at Nikita’s “whore” comments. I *have* juggled lovers…up to 3 of them at a time. All were aware of how things were. It messed with the brains of two of them. One of which I eventually went solo with…and he broke up with me a month later. LOL! I should’ve kept all three in rotation until I felt ready to move on.

    However, this was a time when I was wildly experimenting and trying to get over my toxic guy. I wanted to prove that the sex I had with him wasn’t all that great. Sadly enough, I never did prove that. 🙁 But I had some fun trying. 🙂

    I agree with Rori that you *can* do this, if this is what you want and can be open and non-judging of *yourself* while you do it. However, I also agree with Mercedes that some men won’t stand for it and you run the risk of losing him. Your situation may require your own judgment.

  12.  #12alias girl on December 2, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    i feel amused. if i were in graduate school i would do my entire dissertation on just the word “whore”

    that word speaks volumes on those who use it as a bullet against other women.

    and i see it a lot on the internet

    WHORE! people will all caps it and be very vehement about somebody else’s choices. as if

    as if

    those choices have
    to do with them

  13.  #13Kaitlyn on December 2, 2009 at 6:14 pm

    Sex and closeness is really important to me. I can only sleep with men I’m in a relationship with. I feel used having casual sex unless I’m being paid. Anyone else feel the same way?

  14.  #14alias girl on December 2, 2009 at 6:18 pm

    why on earth would someone else’s choices in their own life cause such hostile response from people?

    people feel threatened?
    better than?
    need a target for their own shame around sex?

    i feel very curious.

    “THAT GIRL IS SUCH A WHORE!!!” where does that come from?

    men, women both will get in such an uproar about a woman’s sexual choices.

    it’s someone else’s life and choices. what is it to those people?

    but there is such vehemence about it.



  15.  #15alias girl on December 2, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    i have many what some would consider “whorish” desires and urges. if i could find the right men and situation I would totally whore things up in my life. with pleasure.

  16.  #16Daria on December 2, 2009 at 6:38 pm

    yummy whoreness? lol

    i know a bunch of girls who sleep with a different man everynite, sometimes they sleep with many men in one nite oops

    i used to feel very judgemental toward them

    i know some men i slept with sleep with other women… um we’re not in a relationship so its almost a duh



    yes i feel jealous if i send my attention that way

    but i dont


    i feel jealous if they talk to another woman!


    i feel jealous if men im not sleeping with talk to another woman

    i feel jelous if they look, think, etc


    about another woman

    somethign about the word “whore” feels romantic and goddesslike to me

    whore goddess

    goddess whore


  17.  #17Daria on December 2, 2009 at 6:41 pm

    i dont give a fuck

    i told my ex i wanted to use him for sex lol when we first started dating

    he was not ok with that lol


    but i still used him for sex hahahaa


    i crack myself up

    i do like him tho

    im gonna use him for sex agian soon if i feel like it. but i havent felt like it since a few days ago when i texted him

    he seems to feel ok with it now tho



    how amusing

  18.  #18Daria on December 2, 2009 at 6:47 pm

    Have my way with the men in my life!

    oh im feeling so good writing

    im getting my oomph back right now

    I HAVE to talk about last nite


    theres this guy i like i have a crush on


    and i feel disappointed cuz hes not getting at me

    i also have a track record remember of NOT flirting with guys im actually attracted to, while being ok flirting with ones i dont


    this guy is super respectful, hes a younger brother of my (brother) friend

    so i tried EFTing that he likes me

    i felt kinda engaged with him a few weeks ago when he sat by me in the car

    but not after

    him and 2 other guys in that group that i dont know so well, dont flirt with me really

    theyre the ones who know me the least time

    but i started having a crush on him grr
    im like noooo

    but i doooo


    and i like how hes hella respectful and quiet, doesnt seem to get at a lot of girls period

    is he maybe married or unavaliable? idono

    i dont want to ask my guy friends –


    last nite some other guy was tryna talk to him and hes like is she with one of you guys and hes like “nooo its not like that, shes family”

    im like GRR

    i want you!!

    i tried smiling all in his face but he didnt really keep eye contact with me

    i feel jealous thinking about how some “more forward” or direct women would not be having this problem

    or is it jsut that im into him and he simply is not attracted to me

    that feels bad

    and id like to think impossible


    i could just sit in his lap one day

    but i dont want to kill whatever possible atttraction

    and at the same time i feel turned on around him when i see him and stuff

    i LIKE HIM


    i dono what to do/not do/ practice here

    i feel like im sabotaging myself

    i probably gave off the “im not interested vibes” early

    or… im just into a guy who doesnt like me again?

    fuckin waht

  19.  #19Daria on December 2, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    fuck you bitch worry about your own babies and pregnancies

    oh did i really write that

    i feel judged and numb

    i dont give a fuck

    are you fuckin serious cuz you seem like a whore

    and yeah that happend to me

    i got pregnant and didnt know who the father was

    yeah and i got an abortion

    and at that time i was very antiwhore

    i had 2 weeks between my lovers one who i left behind on a different continent

    and they couldnt tell the time 2 weeks apart

    and so what if you dont know who the dad is

    go kill urself

    im not sure if this will get posted

    i dont know what i feel right now

    i feel kinda frozen yet hot and not feeling much

  20.  #20Daria on December 2, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    crap well there we go
    i dont give a fuck i felt like i was being called a whore and i attacked

    weirdly tho cuz i dont feel hate towards this person

    i hope i didnt cause a burn bridge situation

    there are some people i feel resentment towards but this woman is not one of them

    who knows she may now carry resentment towards me


    that doesnt feel good

    i couldve stuck to feeling messages

    i feel like attacking you and stepping on you with boots while punching you in the face


    wtf am i writing about

    i feel shocked

    i dont know wassup with this reaction im having

    i seem to feel very “cool headed” and calm but i think its like one of those frozen functional states or seormthing


    i wanna talk shit to soemtone and put them down

    it feels good to type rrr instead of tttttt

    im fefeling strange

    i ffeelfffafffffafffff
    all concentrated

    i want to like tense up

    i want to keep pressint with my left hand

    ok that felt like a releasr



    i feel scared now

  21.  #21Daria on December 2, 2009 at 7:01 pm


  22.  #22Daria on December 2, 2009 at 7:18 pm

    this feels bad

    i think one of my friends freakin stole my ipod

    that feels BAD

    i want my ipod too


    i forgot about this shit happening



    ive been feeling bad all day too about last nite

    i must have been psycyhic

    omogsh i dono what to say
    i feel tightened up

    ifeel suck
    i ffffffffffeel mad at life
    fuck u life

    thank u

    i love you life but i feel like slapping somebody but now im jus feeling not great

  23.  #23Mary on December 2, 2009 at 7:34 pm

    Well, this circular dating stuff is my issue. And I’m going out with the love of my life in less than an hour, and it’s going to be the topic of conversation. I had to go up island today for business, and I listened to Rori’s “Targeting Mr. Right,” program, the first part, where she talks about all the reasons for circular dating. I played it twice.

    As Mercedes so skillfully wrote, some guys won’t stand circular dating. And my guy simply won’t. I love that about him! This has changed my whole perspective in only ten minutes, reading these reactions to Rori’s post. Thank you, everyone!

    I’m going to consider getting engaged tonight. I’m not sure there is any other way to go. I love this man, and he has come my way again. He’s not perfect, but he might be right for me. How else to find out but to give it a try?

    I might even consider being exclusive with him again, just to give it more time. If it doesn’t work out; if I lose self-esteem; if he begins any controlling behavior or if he starts to pull back or isn’t in a commitment mood, I can always go right back to dating again. No worries there.

    Or maybe I’ll just listen to him over dinner, smile and say, “Let me think about it,” and come back and read the rest of the posts!

    Sorry to trigger you, Daria. I’ve been trying this thing with three guys for the last two months, and the fun has gone right out of the dating. The dates have become about the other guys – that is the only topic of conversation, no matter how much I try to steer clear of it – and I find that very boring. I want to get back to having quality time with a man again! If that means dating one at a time, maybe I will.

    I just really don’t know. Circular dating is an intriguing concept. Maybe that’s why I have an engagement on the table. So thank you, Rori, for that!

    But maybe it would be on the table anyway. I don’t know! It’s all very confusing.

    Please keep posting. This is hot, and I can’t wait to get home and read more. Dealing with the guys, and what’s going on with them, is very important to me.

    I know this: our lives are not just about US. I think that there is a ripple effect going on, and that all of our choices affect the people around us. We can make decisions that radiate joy all around, or we can make decisions that create havoc and chaos and misunderstanding, and hurt feelings and distrust. I want to be one of those people that is a beacon of hope to others, who spreads joy and happiness and good will to everyone. If that means not being a “diva,” well; okay! I don’t need to be the center of attention. I just want to love and be loved.

    Maybe there is not just one way to the goal. Maybe circular dating is for some; not for others. I need to be that person who is above reproach in all areas of my life, without secrets, without juggling. Just straight-forward communication, etc. And if I’m not enough to hold a man’s interest – without other men involved – then I’m not enough. Maybe I can accept that. Or maybe I’ll find a man with enough self esteem to love me without having to be on the auction block. Wouldn’t that be amazing?

  24.  #24Mary on December 2, 2009 at 7:34 pm

    Wish me luck tonight!

  25.  #25Daria on December 2, 2009 at 7:43 pm

    i am very non on board for polyamory or whatever but i dont feel like waiting years to have sex i will have it whenver

    mary circular dating is about the woman practicing femininity and raising her self esteem

    and feeling above reproach is not a given when not circular dating

  26.  #26Mary on December 2, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    Well, that is so true. And I do feel like there’s a way to be above reproach AND circular date. If I’m honest with everyone and the way Rori said it in Targeting Mr. Right – when there are sexual limits, like there were in the 50’s. When you have limits with guys, they all know you’re like that, so they might be way more inclined to tolerate the dating around.

  27.  #27Nikita on December 2, 2009 at 7:51 pm

    I feel ok 😉

    no worries 🙂

    honestly I don’t mind a whore….as long as she’s getting paid; it’s a slut I can’t stand…….another guy friend’s quote…….if one is going to sleep with all and sundry because she feels “cool” with it… madonna and fuck your way to the top… a smart whore 🙂 use the fullness of your power……otherwise……it’s just slutty-fucking for a happy meal at mcdonald’s and for what????? for what????? fries??? confidence pricing goes a long way when your pussy doesn’t follow your heart or vice-versa…….sex is a commodity -yeah….I feel judgy….so……I’m honest…..I feel authentic….I have a few friends that have literally sold their bodies….and I have more respect for them than the girl that fucks five guys in one week…..and even pays for the drinks-cuz she’s “doin her” fuck that……where’s the value in that……crying cuz he didn’t call you back……..easy come-easy go 😉


    as women we have a lot of power…..the power of creation…of little lives….and with power comes responsibility……to have mercy…..on our own spirits…..

  28.  #28alias girl on December 2, 2009 at 8:17 pm

    good luck on your date mary. 🙂

  29.  #29Mary on December 2, 2009 at 8:22 pm

    thank you! he just rang the door bell…

  30.  #30Daria on December 2, 2009 at 9:53 pm

    yes i suppose i judge women i perceive as “like that” too

    weird tho because they are my friends


    i feel sad

    about my ipod getting stolen

    feel heavy

    heavy an pouty an sad

  31.  #31Daria on December 2, 2009 at 9:53 pm

    nontheless i feel triggered

  32.  #32Daria on December 2, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    i have been trying not to judge because well

    what do i know

  33.  #33Daria on December 2, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    i used to be very strict about sex and thinking guys would only go for a very careful about sex girl

    but that didn’t play out in my experience

    in fact i realized it doesnt really matter

    its the self esteem

    so im not gonna bother judging myself or others about sex so much as i used to

  34.  #34Daria on December 2, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    i used to have the least sex in the world lol

  35.  #35Daria on December 2, 2009 at 10:20 pm

    i feel sad… that feels like hunched over shoulders (i just straightened up my posture to see if it has an effect on my feelings and it did)

    but i kinda miss my feeling sad

    ah there it is

  36.  #36Rori Raye on December 2, 2009 at 11:14 pm

    Athol – you’re missing the point here (I assume you’re a man…) The only reason a woman you were dating would want to sleep with other men is if YOU didn’t want to marry her. Is that so hard to see the reason? She shouldn’t even sleep with YOU for the first few months of dating, and if by that time you don’t know what you want with her…know if you want to MARRY her – then how can you even consider that you’re having ANY kind of “Relationship” with her that should include some kind of exclusivity? We’re assuming here that she wants just you…only – you aren’t sure you just want HER – does that seem fair to you? How long should a woman take herself off the market to wait until you decide what you want to do with her? Sincerely, Rori

  37.  #37Robin on December 2, 2009 at 11:17 pm

    Ok, am I missing something here?

    Do we really want a man who’s ok w/ us sleeping with other guys??

    What does this say about his desire to claim us forever? Or his emotional muscle? I feel turned-off just imagining a guy telling me he’s ok with that.

    And how does sleeping with ANY of the guys level the playing -field?

    If we need to level the playing field, and treat them the same, then we would either need to sleep with all of them, or none of them, in order to avoid compartmentalizing them based on our hormones

    As opposed to compartmentalizing them based on how we FEEL about ourselves in their presence…

    So I can see how if WE care, we’re hamstringing ourselves, b/c if we care, or if we come from a place where we’re ‘testing’ him, I have a feeling thats gonna come out in our vibe…if its about him, that will show, and it needs to be about us…

    And at the same time, we dont want to use them and dismiss them

    We dont like, neither do they…

    Is this not where communication and feeling messages come in? So that we are following our feelings, but still being aware of where the other person is coming from?

  38.  #38gina on December 2, 2009 at 11:25 pm

    I definitely don’t feel okay about having sex with many men – it feels cheap. Plus, I think about sex with men who i see as gross now, and I feel icky. I feel overwhelmed by the risk of it. even though, in the moment, it can feel so easy. but then i think of how big and powerful sex is, and I just wish there was a force field around people’s private parts – like we just COULDNT come together unless there was great love. that would make things a lot easier and more clear. ha that’s a funny visual.

    When alias girl was posing the question of why people are so up in arms about whores, here’s what I was thinking:

    I was thinking about the women who slept with Tiger Woods. and how society would probably label them “whores” and how the threat is that these women are willing to provide men with the cheap sex that men want, and people (women) would prefer to see restraint so that it wouldn’t be so easy for men to betray their families. obviously, there is a double standard. I think women are expected to keep society under control. if women are whores, there’s no hope for society.

    or something like that.

  39.  #39Rori Raye on December 2, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    Nikita – what’s missing here is that sex can be fun, rewarding, feel good and great – without any other justification for it. Every example you give here seems small, mean, bad. Is this all you’ve experienced meeting a woman who likes sex for sex? I hear your point of view – and yet it comes from somewhere – from your life, it’s way too personal to be just a judgment…Love, Rori

  40.  #40Rori Raye on December 2, 2009 at 11:33 pm

    Jennifer, my feelings exactly. Love, Rori

  41.  #41Rori Raye on December 2, 2009 at 11:37 pm

    Mercedes – Since this is something I’ve never tried – maintaining more than one sexual relationship at a time, I hesitate to pass judgment. But because of my own experience, and that of my clients, I say that one lover at a time is more than enough for us to handle working with transforming our inner selves. Love, Rori

  42.  #42alias girl on December 3, 2009 at 12:13 am

    i love sex and i feel very happy to have lots of sex.

    if circumstances were perfect for me i would have sex with more than one man. and the men i have in mind all happen to be men i love. the more sex with men i love the better. hahah of course fantasy doesn’t always pan out well into reality.

    but i would feel great to have a bunch of men i love be faithful to only me and i would have sex with all of them. hahah i am totally serious. the likelihood of this happening is slim but it MIGHT. And if it did i would kick kartwheels and be very happy. at least for a little while. it might get old fast. but i would feel very good to have a chance at this little experiment. and we could all be happy ever after together and i would have three or four men loving me and caring for me and we could all live in the same house. ok. maybe not since i tend to go for alpha males.

    still. a girl can dream. 🙂

  43.  #43alias girl on December 3, 2009 at 12:28 am

    i don’t have the sex-money correlation. i have sex because i want to. although i do have fantasies about having sex for money. but that’s some weird sexual thing. i also have fantasies about a man supporting me financially. but i don’t have a lot of experiences where my sex is tied to “what i got” from the man.

    with my ex (the one who completely ironlegged onto my horse for forever since i met him and i have since left him in the dark on the doppelganger horse. but we had sex on the first date and it wasn’t even really a date. it was bascially just sex.

    on the other hand i tend to have this thing i cry about in self pity that it seems men only want sex from me. so really what is my deal? well even so i prefer to do it my way and if i want to have sex i have sex. and i honest to god 100% do not think it makes any difference at all to any man whoe will choose me or love me. because that would not be my guy. it just wouldn’t. my attitude is more open than that. =lm not judgin the guys i’ve been with. i can tell what kind of men they are. (at least the ones i love)

    sex is sex is sex. for me. love is love. money is money. and how a guy treats me is how he treats me.

    on the other hand i live in lala fantasyland most of the time and my real world experiences with men and sex and dating and relationships is comparable to a sixteen year old.

    so take it with a grain of salt. but 3 or 4 is still my answer.

  44.  #44alias girl on December 3, 2009 at 12:30 am

    my body is shaking and i don’t know if it is because my level of honesty or because of my meeting tomorrow. but i am shaking like a chihuaha.

  45.  #45Tina on December 3, 2009 at 12:36 am

    All my circular dates have wanted sex, I’ve wanted sex with all my circular dates:) like alias girl I would love a man harem. A Goddess harem 🙂 A masculine male harem ooh that sounds wonderful to me.

  46.  #46Tina on December 3, 2009 at 12:40 am

    Alias girl, I would have my own living space, in my masculine man harem, they would all have their own spaces being the like to fight and stuff. They would call and ask me if I want this or how I’m FEELING and would I like to go somewhere like uh shopping hehe for new lipstick or whatever. What would a sensual massage feel like with one man on each body part? woohoo.

  47.  #47gina on December 3, 2009 at 1:12 am

    I don’t like that many men at all. mostly I want penises to stay away. but if I like a guy, i want to have sex with him, and i’m ready to love him . That hasn’t gone over very well so far. I would love it if I could see my guy clearly and he could see me clearly and we could have sex and that would be the beginning of happily ever after. like in atlas shrugged.

  48.  #48Tina on December 3, 2009 at 4:27 am

    I dont read anything “whoreish” in Shirley’s situation. Shirley also has “targeting Mr.Right” program. I going to assume she is using the tools in the program, at the very least she is willing to try something new and that would be circular dating. ok so, hm, she didnt give her “man” the no girlfriend speech yet but has since met a man she is sexually attracted to. This is all about baby steps. So if she is being honest with herself then she would give her current man the “no girlfriend” speech. This will free her up completely to circular date. How would I diffuse the hormonally charged situation? hm, I dunno, if it were me I would um try masterbation:) like whats up with buddy anyway that he is soooooooo hot, does he have a large penis? I’d say lower chakras are lite up like the forth of july 🙂 is ok though. Well for sure, Shirley has one thing right HE IS NOT OFFERING HER A LIFE LONG COMMITMENT.

  49.  #49Tina on December 3, 2009 at 4:33 am

    GOD, this man who contacted me awhile back made a comment on one of pics, he said if “we were dating, he would take to to phi pho island, ok this man has not asked me on a date like ever. He said this before about Tibet lol. Im going to send him a message. lol

  50.  #50Tina on December 3, 2009 at 4:45 am

    I feel like adding “shopping -with your money” as an INTEREST, Im feeling silly again hehe.

  51.  #51Tina on December 3, 2009 at 4:49 am

    Ok, “Vacations with your money” 🙂 weeeeee

  52.  #52dawn on December 3, 2009 at 5:40 am

    I thought the reason for circular dating was to weed out the wierdos. i cant imagine a sexual relationship with more than one. Perhaps im a prude but i dont care.

  53.  #53Simply Shannon on December 3, 2009 at 6:08 am

    Just subscribing for now. I definitely have lots to say here. Be back soon.

  54.  #54Aldonza on December 3, 2009 at 6:44 am

    The reason for circular dating is to learn to accept good energy from men and to feel sireny instead of wrapping ourselves into a pretzel trying to eke out a tiny bit of affection or a commitment from one man. That’s it. It’s free therapy. Not a tactic or strategy.

    That’s why I caution anyone who thinks that they should circular date to “make him” do anything. You can’t make someone do anything, certainly not love or commit to you. You date other men (or just flirt with them, or sleep with them if you want) because having your options open changes your vibe. But it has to be about *your* vibe, not his.

    If you want to circular date and can manage multiple lovers while feeling sireny and good about it, do it. If you can’t, don’t. But it should be about *you*, not about the men you date and how they feel about it. It’s your life, unless they’re married to you, they don’t get a vote.

    But I think the point has been made here multiple times: many men won’t go for it. You risk losing them, particularly if they’ve had you all to themselves and you decide to open up the sexual circle. I think multiple lovers works better if you haven’t been sexually exclusive with any of them.

  55.  #55Tina on December 3, 2009 at 7:08 am

    yeah, I agree Aldonza, they dont get a vote. I got Rori’s e-letter about voting for ourselves 🙂 thank you for the reminder.

  56.  #56Tina on December 3, 2009 at 7:11 am

    “vacation man” says the offer is still there, I feel even more confused.

  57.  #57Tina on December 3, 2009 at 7:19 am

    I said “my idea of a first date is an hour over coffee, I feel less pressure that way.” My experiance with 5 day coffee date guy gives me reason for anxiety sheesh. I dont feel safe around strange people or places but thats just me. What does this have to do with me? it is all about me right? ok so I’ll find the message…

  58.  #58Mercedes on December 3, 2009 at 7:25 am

    Rori: “Mercedes – Since this is something I’ve never tried – maintaining more than one sexual relationship at a time, I hesitate to pass judgment. But because of my own experience, and that of my clients, I say that one lover at a time is more than enough for us to handle working with transforming our inner selves. Love, Rori”

    I agree with this 100%. I think the way I worded my earlier comment might have caused some confusion. I DO agree with circular dating…I totally and completely agree with it. I did it and my boyfriend had to either put up with it or move on. It was “my turn” to be undecided (goodness knows he spend enough time in that frame of mind) and I don’t regret it AT ALL. But I did need to understand that if I developed a sexual relationship with one or more of the men I dated, I would have had to end things with J.

    In the case of sleeping with other men, I do believe with all my heart it isn’t all about ME. At that point, it becomes very much about more than one person.

    Daria: You said “No one owns a woman’s body but herself. Therefore she can do what she wants with it. She is not responsible to sacrifice her own feelings (and wants and desires) for the feelings of other people. that would be hurting HERSELF. ”

    And I totally agree…UNLESS she is hurting someone. If a man is hurt by her actions, then she should let him go if her desires are to be with other men. Personally, when I think of a goddess, I don’t think of a woman who uses men for sex or of a woman who does whatever she wants without regard for others. Or even of a woman who knows she can get any man in the room and does. I think of a woman who knows she can get any man in the room and DOESN’T because she knows she worth more than that and that not one single man in that room has earned the right to her body. I think of a woman who knows what that gift is worth and gives it only to that man who has earned the right. I think of a woman who does whatever she wants while still taking care not to scar the hearts of those around her. I would be humiliated and pissed if a man used me for sex. I would think that any good man would feel the same way about himself.

    I guess this is really a non-issue for me personally because I do not allow a man inside of my body until my heart has opened to him and my heart doesn’t open easily, so my legs can’t open all that easily either. Not only that, I’ve never experienced an open heart with more than one man at a time, so I can’t imagine having an open sex life with more than one man at a time.

    Maybe this perception comes from working with lots of teenage girls and young women, but I see so many of them sleeping with lots of boys/men hoping to find love. Love has never come to a single one of them that way. Not a single one. And every one of those girls/women had very low self-esteem. So…I guess it depends on what you’re looking for (love in your life or sex in your life), but no matter what someone is looking for, I’ll never be on board with discounting a man’s feelings and asking him to either step up and marry us or watch us have sex with the next hot thing that winks at us.

    I’m soooo opinionated on this…oops!

    Much Love,

  59.  #59tinque on December 3, 2009 at 8:51 am

    I miss so much being on the east coast since I’m sleeping when most of the excitement is going on here…
    I don’t know where to start.
    Daria- I’m SO sorry someone took your ipod. That sucks.

    I’ve never been able to even date more than one man at a time let alone sleep with with more than one. But my heart has been, probably still is, VERY tentative and mistrustful. She doesn’t open easily. Yes I have had sex without love, coerced sex if you will, but to really have the sex I want, my heart has to be connected. My heart is a reflection of my vagina. My vagina is a reflection of my heart.
    That said, there are women albeit few who can handle multiple sex partners, enjoy sex for what it is, a quick feel good moment. And I think this is the point Rori is making.
    This is not an easy thing to maneuver for most women. Our hearts do tend to get caught up in it all. It’s too confusing.
    It’s not an option or even a consideration for me. I have had the good fortune to experience the mind blowing intense kind of sexual connection that I’m convinced only comes with a deep heart bond and profound love.
    I wish that for all women. Not that casual sex can’t be good. I’m sure it can, but there’s just nothing like sex with heart.

  60.  #60Tina on December 3, 2009 at 9:46 am

    I’m with Mercedes on the Goddess thing 🙂 . For me leaning back has really cut down on all the bullshit lol. “Truck man” says he will wait for me to come to him (sex) I can hear all the Goddesss on Siren Island laughing out loud 🙂 whatevaaaaaaaaaa!

  61.  #61Karen Roche on December 3, 2009 at 9:53 am

    Bravo….. i LOVE your responses even though you call yourself opinionated i feel you are not judgemental just call things as they are in your experiences in life…. and your boundaries are sure so your feelings can be felt and you can feel secure…. you have such a gift for relaying your ideas… I truly enjoy your refreshing comments…. thank you,

  62.  #62DocK on December 3, 2009 at 10:04 am

    I guess I have weighed in on the sex issue before but, in summary, it’s pretty much, ‘You get to decide.’

    I don’t want to tell anyone what to do with her/his body and Rori is right, we are all at different places – even for ourselves as to what feels right. Even if it changes through the course of our lives – as it has for me – doesn’t mean I have regrets or feel bad about anything.

    It’s really about integrity, speaking with clarity and agreements. When one party cheats, it is because s/he has chosen to do what will make her/himself happy without the other person’s consent. That is out of integrity and selfish.

    If someone chooses polyamory, not for me, but if it works for them… fine – as long as everyone knows that is what is going on.

    One can’t assume anything – be clear. I had “assumed” that all men would be thrilled with a woman wanting sex without strings. I was wrong. When I was very young I hurt a couple of guys because they thought our moving from just friends to including sex meant we had moved into having a relationship. I was perplexed but learned a lesson.

    Speak, be clear, don’t assume, agree on the rules and walk away rather than lie, cheat or be deceptive if the other person isn’t in agreement.

  63.  #63DocK on December 3, 2009 at 10:08 am

    and to clarify – “no regrets” means making a choice to honor and enjoy my sexuality how I saw fit when everyone was in agreement with what was going on – I do regret when I wasn’t clear and assumed and hurt someone.

    When I hurt someone, I ask for forgiveness if that person is still available. I ask for forgiveness from the Universe and I ask for help to forgive myself and vow to do better. I also try to accept forgiveness when asked for it since I know I have received the benefit of the doubt from others – how could I not extend it to them?

  64.  #64Mercedes on December 3, 2009 at 10:11 am

    Tina: Really? He’s waiting? I hope he’s not holding his breath at the same time! LOL You truly ARE a goddess!! 🙂

    Karen R: Thank you so much! When I feel passionate about a subject I tend to just jump right out there with whatever comes to mind…which isn’t always a good thing. It feels really good to hear you use words like “gift” and “refreshing”. Makes me smile! 🙂 LOTS!! 🙂

    Tinque: “I have had the good fortune to experience the mind blowing intense kind of sexual connection that I’m convinced only comes with a deep heart bond and profound love.
    I wish that for all women. Not that casual sex can’t be good. I’m sure it can, but there’s just nothing like sex with heart.”

    So well put! I don’t have and never have had casual sex, and I agree, physically, it can probably feel really good. But sex with that deep, deep intimacy and love and secure bond? You said it perfectly with the words “mind blowing”…and I too wish that for everyone.

    DocK: “Speak, be clear, don’t assume, agree on the rules and walk away rather than lie, cheat or be deceptive if the other person isn’t in agreement.”

    YEAH!!! That’s totally my opinion on it!!! It’s all about making SURE, absolutely SURE that NOBODY is going to get hurt.

    Much Love,

  65.  #65Dan_Brodribb on December 3, 2009 at 10:17 am

    DocK, you pretty much said what I was going to say! Curses.

    I’ve found my desire for sex and sexual variety really seems to depend where I am emotionally with myself and the people (or absence of people) in my relationship(s).

    Paying attention to where I am and staying true to my vision of the man I want to be feels like a full-time job sometimes…when I start worrying about what other people want or will think of me, not only does my plate overflow, but I get confused and “tangled.”

    I try and let people know where I am as honestly as possible and let them make their own choices.


  66.  #66Nikita on December 3, 2009 at 10:23 am

    small mean bad…..ok……

    I expressed myself with vehemence …..for the lurkers out there who don’t post. I loved Gina’s point about a woman who has no qualms sleeping with a married man……

    Is it “personal” for me….uh yeah…aren’t all judgements personal?

    I have been surrounded by men in my working life….for over a decade…..I’ve only known two that can accept a woman who sells her body (whore) as a girlfriend 🙂

    Sure all men love to have easy access to a body…..but after they tend to feel repelled and resent the woman.

    I’m not talking about a woman who hasn’t had sex in years and then decides to sleep with a guy to meet her needs because she feels inspired to……I’m referring to really reckless behavior……an abuse of power so to speak…..

    I agree wholeheartedly with Mercedes here…….she just manages to present my feelings in a way gentler and articulate manner….whereas my posts could be seen as “gritty” .

    I am from a huge city with lots of nightclubs and strip clubs and bars and models and money……that is my reality and I have witnessed a lot of this “fun sex” from the sidelines….watching the ramifications….and avoiding being drawn into it………I see the slutty girl who sleeps with everyone-she feels “empowered” for a little while….and then I see and hear what the men really feel after they’ve slept with her…..then I see her do it all over again…and I notice as she begins to “crack-up” emotionally and grows bitter……people don’t trust her and they laugh at her and treat her like one of the guys… if sex is a sport and she’s a buddy….I’ve witnessed relationships where one guy dates a stripper and they order hookers together…and I hear how he begins to abuse her emotionally-like …fucking the hooker and making her watch while she is starving for affection behind a glass wall…….I’ve seen women who are married but strip and don’t tell their husbands…..”who wants to live a lie?”…….I’ve had friends who just have sex when they want and then the guy they chose to use gets attached….only to watch her ignore her phone when he calls……and she feels bad about it……I’m a pretty good listener……and good at keeping secrets…….I’ve heard lots of confessions……and noticed a lot of pain…….I basically have spent my life seeing people’s shadow selves……I don’t know who they are at the office or what they do during the day, I grew up watching people at night searching for carnal delights…………so yeah it’s personal…I only know what I’ve seen……and it just gobbles people up…..I don’t care how shiny they look…..I see behind the mask

  67.  #67tinque on December 3, 2009 at 10:29 am

    That’s really all you can do Dan. Take care of yourself, your wants, your needs, as long as you are open and honest with any individuals concerned.

    Mercedes – People can still feel hurt even if they know the score. They might delude themselves or hope to “change” the other…but that’s not the other’s responsibility. As long as other is clean in communication…

  68.  #68Simply Shannon on December 3, 2009 at 10:31 am

    Dock nailed it for me too. I can do with my body whatever I choose to do. Nobody gets to dictate that but me. As long as I’m honest about what I want and the man I’m with is honest with me about what he wants, then it’s all good. If I’m goddess enough to have sex with a different man every day of the week, then so be it. It’s my choice.

    For me personally, I have too many hangups about what sex means and have issues around casual sex. I’ve done it (recently too) and enjoyed it but felt guilty and yucky afterwards. This is an area where I struggle with boundaries that *I* can keep.

    I believe the point of Rori’s post is for each of us to get clear about what works or doesn’t work for each of us around sex and to set a boundary that we can abide by.

    I promise I’ll be back. Skimming posts as they come through my email.

  69.  #69Mercedes on December 3, 2009 at 10:34 am

    Yes Tinque…I agree. But in that case, where there is honesty and openness…then the person is hurting themselves and that’s a whole different issue. For me, I try to live a life where I am not hurting others…that’s where this comes into play. We need to be very, very careful with the hearts of those around us and much of the time, intuition alone can give us an idea of whether or not our actions are going to hurt another person. If we feel they will…then it is better to walk away.

    Much Love,

  70.  #70Mercedes on December 3, 2009 at 10:35 am

    Oh…and Nikita…that’s the first time anyone here ever called me “gentle”. 🙂 YAY!! Very sweet of you!

    Much Love,

  71.  #71Nikita on December 3, 2009 at 10:49 am


    Honesty is the best policy 😉

    I accept sweet…..but I’ll add…..maybe I’m perceptive 😉

  72.  #72Tina on December 3, 2009 at 10:59 am

    We are all here for a reason, that is I hope to learn more about ourselves. I don’t feel judgemental about Shirley’s situation. Shirley has to make a decision in the end and feel happy about it, trust her instincts,intuition. Yes, hormonally I want to fck the planet 🙂 intuitively I know it’s not going to make me feel better about myself. I”ve had my share of men so I know what I’m talking about. I know it’s easy for me to say this because I’m not currently not sexually active 🙂 🙁 for now I’ll just fantasize about my harem of men.

  73.  #73Nikita on December 3, 2009 at 11:05 am

    I love that I’ve triggered so many people, I feel excited!!

    I felt triggered by the title of the post-not the post itself.

    As far as Shirley is concerned I agree….If she wants to sleep with Guy B then Guy A has a choice to make….hang on or let go.

    Before I slept with another guy I told my ex….and I confirmed after….and he was already an ex…but we have a habit of getting back together so I informed him of my choices…..out of respect…..

    I just hope Shirley likes Guy B enough to lose Guy A…..I hope she does what feels good to her…..

  74.  #74Simply Shannon on December 3, 2009 at 11:08 am

    I’m just dropping in as I get a chance. Saw someone posted about the Tiger Woods thing and thought I’d post something I said on Facebook (when a girlfriend and I were discussing it)…
    She (Tiger’s mistress) thought her magical hoo-hoo was going to change his mind and make him hers forever. Haha. I laugh cuz that’s just funny. The sad part is that a LOT of women believe that you can get and keep a man through sex. If he isn’t putting a ring on your finger, HE IS TEST DRIVING YOU. Period. You could be the best sex he’s ever had but if he’s not getting on his knee to ask, it ain’t all that special to him.

    Ok, I’ll be back…

  75.  #75Nikita on December 3, 2009 at 11:15 am

    I feel protective…..of women……I feel almost maternal…..

    Any woman has the option of sleeping with 300 guys a year if she so desires……but will she feel good after? How will it affect her self-esteem?

    and don’t we all know that condoms do not protect against certain viruses?…so if a girl is bouncing between 5 or 6 guys every week…..she’s taking a huge risk with herself and everyone involved…….at what point does meeting our needs evolve into pure narcissism ?

    Freedom of choice comes with a price….is everyone prepared to pay the price of their choices?

  76.  #76DocK on December 3, 2009 at 11:39 am

    Hi Dan – feel happy that something I wrote resonated with you. : )

    Yes, sexually active people can get STDs even if a condom is used. BUT this can occur even if someone is in a sexually exclusive and committed relationship because people don’t always know what they have that can only be discovered via a type specific test.

    Of course, the odds are increased if someone has multiple partners.

    These are new times and, no matter the relationship a person is entering into, responsibility that involves the use of condoms and requests for STD tests are becoming the new normal. Not sexy – but neither is acquiring STDs.

    As for men judging women who enjoy their sexuality the way they do – sure that happens. It is an interesting culture that demands that women look sexy – but actually be sexual? Quite another story.

    It also depends on the individual. Whatever I did at whatever point in my life, I have never had men speak of me that way. In fact, interesting, a man that was a former BF just sent a “Linked In” request to me. We had entered into a sexual relationship early on and maintained a relationship for some time. We broke up years ago (1986) and he still respects me and considers me to be a classy woman. I don’t chase down my exes, they look me up. A couple are on Facebook (FB) as well. They live in different states so they are not looking for a “hook-up” but seem genuinely interested in how I am doing and what I am up to.

    Again, my opinion – it is an individual’s life journey, a personal choice. You have to know yourself and your heart and what speaks to it. I only need to do what works for me with integrity and have no need to convince anyone else to walk my path.

  77.  #77Aldonza on December 3, 2009 at 11:42 am

    Ah, casual sex. I think I astonished myself with how “OK” I was with it. I married as a near virgin in all ways (and not just like “technical virgins” who do everything but the deed.) I couldn’t comprehend any kind of sexual activity outside of a strongly committed relationship.

    After my marriage, I fell into a toxic relationship with the first man I was with partially to justify the sex. In hindsight, I should’ve just fucked him and left. In the process of grieving that, I had a few carefully chosen experiments reveal to me that I’m perfectly capable of viewing sex as just sex. I even had some very nice twenty-something boy-toys that I knew were not destined for anything more. They made me feel good, I made them feel good. When it was done, I was done. I felt no guilt about it and everyone parted on good terms.

    To me, that was the key to it: I felt good. I felt sireny. I felt sexually empowered. Even the one experience that I probably wouldn’t repeat if offered again…I chalk that up to learning what I didn’t want. I also didn’t hand out sex on the street corner. I’m very selective and could explain to anyone who asked why I chose any of the men I’ve been with. They all offered something unique. I think men can sense women who aren’t all that choosy. Ultimately, though, I do prefer to focus my sexuality on one very worthy man at a time.

    There is a downside, of course. If you *are* the type who can’t be physical without bonding, be very careful who you *chose* to bond with. And there are men who will not tolerate any degree of sexual experimentation in the women they want. I wrestled with this in my mind a bit, but ultimately decided that the type of man I wanted would accept me, all of me, including my sexuality. I’m also a bit older, and men do seem to be more accepting of a 40-something with a bit of a past than a 20-something.

    My thoughts for a woman currently looking for Mr. Right and thinking about sex with multiple men? Be selective. Know yourself. Know what you want and don’t accept what you don’t want. Play safe. Play fair. Own your own actions and their consequences. If it doesn’t make you feel good, find out what about it doesn’t feel good and make different choices. It’s all a learning process. And always, *always* accept yourself regardless of what you chose.

  78.  #78gina on December 3, 2009 at 12:40 pm

    my reality is that I’ve never EVER witnessed anything good coming from promiscuous sex. sometimes I witness that not much of anything BAD comes of it, but i chalk it up to luck.

    But I don’t think this article is about promiscuous sex – I kind of like how even the consideration of sleeping with more than one man reduces the value of the relationship with the ONE man who we may be sleeping with – it makes him less HUGE in my mind. it seems like either a commitment with him, or the freedom to connect deeply with other men is desirable so that we aren’t limited by this sexual relationship, since it isn’t forever after.

    When I think of it, I realize that I have done this in the past, and it was fine. It didn’t feel slutty – I felt powerful. I cared about the men and they cared about me, and it was genuine exploration of compatibility and and enjoyment of ourselves and each other. It wasn’t ideal, cause none of them meant ENOUGH to me, and vice versa, but I gained something by behaving in a way that was true to the reality of the relationships, instead of behaving AS IF the sex really mattered all that much. Today, I have no desire to be intimately involved in relationships that don’t mean much to me.
    There currently aren’t 2 or 3 men i could sleep with and feel okay about. Actually, there isn’t even 1.

  79.  #79Mary on December 3, 2009 at 1:16 pm

    No engagement last night. We talked through a lot of things, and there were a few red flags for me.

    I have decided that my head is now the protector of my heart, which always gives the benefit of the doubt, knows no boundaries, hears a “no” and thinks “maybe,” and is always optimistic. My head is clearer now, because of the time away from each other, and I see things that I wouldn’t let myself see before. (The other options have helped a lot. Thank you, Rori…) And my head says that I must wait.

    Oh… I’m so disappointed.


    I think I’ll just cool it with the other men for now, and let this come to a natural conclusion; just see what happens. Maybe things can work…


    Mercedes, thank you so much for these words:

    “If a man is hurt by her actions, then she should let him go if her desires are to be with other men. Personally, when I think of a goddess, I don’t think of a woman who uses men for sex or of a woman who does whatever she wants without regard for others. Or even of a woman who knows she can get any man in the room and does. I think of a woman who knows she can get any man in the room and DOESN’T because she knows she’s worth more than that and that not one single man in that room has earned the right to her body.”

    I agree with you!

    I love this discussion! It’s been really helpful at a very crucial time.

  80.  #80Mercedes on December 3, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    Mary: Thank you! One thing I can tell you for SURE about your situation is that if there is anything in your heart (or even if it’s your head and your logic) that is resisting getting married to this man at this time, then you are right to trust those instincts and wait. As sad as that might feel and as hard as that might be…

    I’m sorry you’re said and happy you are hopeful!

    Much Love,

  81.  #81Daria on December 3, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    a hoe is better than a slut cuz she gets paid – this is a hoe line lol

    my hoes said that their pimp taught them that… it had a little rhyme with it that went in there…

    its all part of being gamed up

    me personally ive always judged a hoe as less than a slut…

    the line above is a good “excuse” , rationalization, etc

    i used to really really be judgemental about this. i would not respect anyone who was a “hoe”

    but ive more recently cut back on the judgements

    and relaxed and let people do what they do without my inner head judgements

    i expanded my comfort zone of relating to people

    i am also magnetically attractive to women who like to have a lot of sex lol. but i am straight.

    nor am i really interested in getting any money out of women selling sex… that felt not good for my feminity

    my girls who i go out with both have lots of sex with men they meet. i feel glad they are not hoeing personally.

    i have experimented with allowing them to do it and with judging them for it. hasnt seemd to matter lol. they do both seem to me to have low self esteem in a way

    although one of them is the flirting goddess woman

    i am choosing to see the goddess in every woman and that feels relaxing when i do that

  82.  #82Mary on December 3, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    I mean, I’m coming in, reading the posts, and going out with this guy, coming back in, reading more posts, and going out again, and we’re making forever decisions. I’m going to see him in a few hours again. We’re talking about this stuff, although I’m keeping it light and airy… and marriage is on the table. How amazing to have everyone talking about this at the same time! How helpful…

  83.  #83Mary on December 3, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    Thank you, Mercedes. I’m trying to be brave and keep my wits about me. Fearful of more loss, but in the end, if the marriage didn’t work, what a huge thing that would be! So careful now is better. You’re so wise.

  84.  #84Daria on December 3, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    Mama’s Daily Fluff:

    Embrace your envy. Love it, pay attention to it. If you do, the desires beneath it will be unearthed with tremendous speed.

    – Mama Gena

    I freakin love this! wow really?? why have i not loved my envy1 I love you envy!

  85.  #85Mercedes on December 3, 2009 at 1:33 pm

    LOL! Mary: Wisdom comes from experience and my experience is divorce…

    I don’t want that for anyone.

    So while you’re out there trying to be brave and keep your wits about you, you’ll know that I’m here sending strong, solid boundary vibes your way…

    Much Love,

  86.  #86DocK on December 3, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    Last week was with out-of-town friend in the city. We went to bar I know – had a couple of drinks. Guys started talking to us. She said, “OMG – I can’t believe this. You make this so easy. They start talking to you and I just sit back and watch how you do it.” (I didn’t do anything – just smiling and batting eyelashes – lean back and let ’em take the initiative).

    Going tonight with a gal pal to TGIF – they have a DJ and a bartender contest. Couple of the bartenders there (cute little 20 somethings) looked me up and friended me on FB (they found me – not the other way around) so I am flattered but just having fun flirting.

    Yesterday, 35 year old guy said he would be “honored” if I was his GF.

    Wooo hooo. I needed a lil bit of an ego boost as of late. Practicing the tools and opening the vibe.

    Thanks Rori.

  87.  #87tinque on December 3, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    Mary – I’m relieved to hear you’ve decided to back off a bit and allow things to play out as they do, to allow your head to take care of your heart though it seems to me it’s your intuition working here.
    As an aside, I don’t know if you went back to the last post, but I searched for the posts you asked for and put them up for you.
    Breathe into your heart sweetheart…
    You will be fine, no great, no matter what happens.

  88.  #88DocK on December 3, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    Oh and another “funny” – going to take a “jiggle it and wiggle it” class on Saturday with a couple of my friends. Nothing like sirens being silly and sexy together!!!

  89.  #89tinque on December 3, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    Sexy lady Miss DocK, all these guys beating down the door to be with you…

  90.  #90Daria on December 3, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    tinque thank you. I am using it as a trigger to practice with.

    I am feeling inferior to the guys cuz “this wouldn’t happen to them, they are respected cuz they are men and they love each other, but not me”

    even though they have actually had this happen to them before too

    that is the thought and trigger feeling

    i love my envy

    i want to feel safe and respected and important and honored

  91.  #91Daria on December 3, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    i agree so much with what Aldonza wrote here on circular dating. Thank you for that

  92.  #92DocK on December 3, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    Tinque – if only! Working on that one LOL!

  93.  #93laughing goddess on December 3, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    Wow! I feel enlived but all the opinions and activity!

    I feel inspired to share what’s been going on with me. I have been leaning back, having fun, giving J the space he asked for and most importantly working on my limiting beliefs that were telling me he isn’t attracted to me. Well things have changed between us. He has started calling a lot and I noticed I felt SCARED. So scared so now I am working on that. Realizing that my fear of being close is what’s pushing him away.

    I don’t know what will happened with him but I feel so excited to face this fear so I will be ready for intimacy with mr right. I would be thrilled if it was him. He is so deliscious and yummy! Oh my!

  94.  #94laughing goddess on December 3, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    The main point I’m making is now that he is paying more attention to me, the main emotion I am feeling is fear.

    Very interesting…

  95.  #95Daria on December 3, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    LG – how are you working on your negative beliefs that were telling you he wasnt attracted to you?

  96.  #96laughing goddess on December 3, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    Daria!!!! Well the leskoe work is helping in the sense that it’s making me more aware that the beliefs are there and in a sense running my life. But what is helping me to release the belief that he is not attracted is good old fashioned law of attraction/affirmation work and eft and prayer. I just keep telling myself that he is just as attracted to me as I am to him and that the immense love I feel for him must be reciprocated because that’s how law of attraction works. And so, when I am with him and I feel attraction for him, I turn the feeling back to me. And focus on how he must feel the same for me because I create this reality. I feel like I am doing a lousy job of really explaining this. I feel weird cuz it sounds like hocus pocus. Lemme get off iPhone and on real computer. It’s so much easier to type and edit and express myself more clearly on the computer.

  97.  #97Jennifer on December 3, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    ok, goddessess
    I’m freaking out a little.
    Hopefully just a bad day.
    Since I left B he has been on MSN chat. I have been leaning back and not starting any convos.
    Now I he is not there. All week he is not there.
    I keep having this recurring thought that he is out with other women.
    Brain knows that this is how I set it up but Feelings are freaking.
    MAybe he’s having alot of fun..meanwhile I can’t even talk to a man without getting a blank stare.
    Maybe he’s sleeping with other women.
    Reacurring thoughts that I’m a loser and now will be alone forever.

  98.  #98Jennifer on December 3, 2009 at 5:09 pm

    And really
    Shouldn’t he be calling me and begging me to take him back? Didn’t he say he wanted to try?
    You call this trying; fuck nut? Well I guess considering what a piss poor boyfriend you were…this could be your version of trying.
    Man I want so much more for myself than this crap.
    Why do I feel empty inside?
    More today then when I left him I think. Isn’t it supposed to hurt alot at first and then get better?
    This doesn’t feel better….

  99.  #99Mary on December 3, 2009 at 5:58 pm

    Hi Tinque,

    Thank you for the links! That is quite a story! Wow. I’m going to your blog now… and by the way, I love your real name…

    Love, Mary

  100.  #100Daria on December 3, 2009 at 9:29 pm

    LG – Thank you.

    I feel a lil confused because that same thing “hasn’t seemed” to work for me in the past.

    A couple nites ago I did surrogate EFT for this guy I am starting to like, but when I saw him, I didn’t feel any attraction energy coming from him – he actually told some other guy chasing me around “oh its not like that, she’s family” 😛

    Also in the past I think I tried imagining the positive etc intending with guy who had a baby but that didnt get me any different behavior from him either… even when I thought I had EFT breakthroughs about it when tapping on my own

    Hmm… I dono wassup with that… would feel fun to do some EFT and get my results. I get the feeling that im choosing the “impossibles” theres a limiting belief right there…

  101.  #101Simply Shannon on December 3, 2009 at 9:59 pm

    Jennifer: When I first break up with someone, there’s usually a stage of shock and/or denial. I believe in my heart that the person will come back to me. That makes it easier to cope with the immediate loss. I usually felt worse later on when I started to realize it was really over. If you look at the 5 stages of loss (I just googled it), you’ll see denial is one of the 1st, then anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. (((HUGS)))

  102.  #102Simply Shannon on December 3, 2009 at 10:31 pm

    I feel so bummed I couldn’t write much earlier. Aldonza and Dock wrote exactly what I wanted to say.

    Aldonza: If it doesn’t make you feel good, find out what about it doesn’t feel good and make different choices.

    Dock: it is an individual’s life journey, a personal choice. You have to know yourself and your heart and what speaks to it. I only need to do what works for me with integrity and have no need to convince anyone else to walk my path.

    In a word, yes. 😉

    I’m still exploring what feels good for me regarding sex. Circular dating feels so new and different from anything I’ve ever done. I don’t know how I will feel once I’m dating men I truly feel connections with and eck – the thought of having sex. Call me crazy, but it almost feels easier to have sex with men I don’t care about than ones that I do. I feel nervous that I’ll get hung up on the one(s) that I like if I have sex with him (them). In that case, a part of me says I don’t want to have sex until I’m in a committed relationship but another part of me knows that’s me living in denial. Ack. If I think on this too long, my head will explode. My plan is to explore this as it comes up. I’ve already had some interesting insights, but LOTS to heal here for me.

  103.  #103Rori Raye on December 3, 2009 at 11:06 pm

    Aldonza – Thank you for this great comment. I can FEEL where you’re coming from, I can feel your experience, that you’ve actually made peace with this whole issue for yourself…and I love your perspective and instructions. Love, Rori

  104.  #104Rori Raye on December 3, 2009 at 11:08 pm

    Yes, Dock – I’m on board with you. Love, Rori

  105.  #105Rori Raye on December 3, 2009 at 11:10 pm

    Nikita, are you talking from personal experience, or from observing your friends, or your imagining? I have a feeling you have a story to tell…..? Yes, it was simpler when I was wild – there are more difficulties now. Love, Rori

  106.  #106Nikita on December 3, 2009 at 11:34 pm


    only observation…..lots of observation…..and I feel very uncomfortable with the idea of abortion though I’ve supported friends who have gone through it…I feel sad when I see them grieve……so I don’t feel happy when I see it’s effects years later…..on the woman….sex feels great but it also still feels sacred and special…..I suppose the birth control pill can add an extra measure of security in some instances but ……..I just feel very protective …..I feel sad when people have been backed into a corner to make such tough decisions because something seemed fun at the time…..I feel blessed that I have never had to make that decision….it is not an easy one to make.

    an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure….for me

  107.  #107Nikita on December 3, 2009 at 11:46 pm

    oh maybe I have a story… mother worked in the legal field when I was a teen….she worked with the patents for condoms -funnily enough -so I saw the graphs or charts or whatever and she knew all of the stats and facts….long story short-there is no such thing as “safe sex” except maybe;commitment, trust, monogamy, and a clean bill of health…so yes that has colored my experience and I’ve always been on the more conservative side of things…..and I still had my fun… 🙂 I just paced myself and stayed honest about my intentions to others and myself……I believe in accountability….if I had ever gotten pregnant I knew exactly who to call….and if he tried to deny it…..I’d already know what the results of the paternity test would say……I could feel “smug” and dignified to a degree……and that feels strong to me….very strong…..I feel trusting of myself and my body.

  108.  #108Nikita on December 3, 2009 at 11:57 pm

    P.S. I also ask myself if a man would be a good father before I sleep with him….if he’d suck at it, I’d stay away……I would feel terrible if I had to make a tough decision just because I slept with a “cute loser” for “fun”.
    and I don’t even WANT children…but the possibility is constantly influencing my decision making…..I just like keeping my options open as opposed to having my hand “forced”…….some like their option to sleep with 10 different guys in a month…but for me…I like the option of knowing who the father is…and whether I’m prepared to be a mom…..feels good 😉

  109.  #109Nikita on December 4, 2009 at 12:08 am

    and before anyone starts thinking-that maybe nikita is just a prude cuz her mom scared her with b.s. about condom patents……My mother has ZERO hang-ups about sex and has no desire to see me get married and never tried to scare me about stds….she only said if you have doubts-take him to a doctor….do whatever you want…it’s your life…..gee I feel pretty appreciative of that……but she did have her own 90 day rule about sex…..meaning a man will show you his true self after 90 days…..cuz the first 3months is just a honeymoon period after that you find out what kind of guy he really is……otherwise she taught me to do whatever I feel like doing….

  110.  #110Daria on December 4, 2009 at 12:15 am

    i felt smug that i could always tell who the father was… until i couldnt! ha… i guess 2 weeks and a continent between partners wasnt enuf lol… i guess condoms and after pills werent enuf either… nor did i know i was pregnant until 3 months… my tummy was flatter than ever… ha my baby wasnt meant to be… thank u for sacrificing yourself … i think i wouldve died shortly after having the baby… thats how my vision played out… so in a way it was a blessing… that it took a turn

    i had a vision of the man who i was going to have a baby…

    it told my dream to a man.

    and he said no. you are going to have my baby. and i said no.


    he stole my dream. i saw the baby and the father

    but when it came to it… they couldnt tell me at the clinic when conception was… they gave me a date in between.

    i didnt want to have the baby of teh man who said he wanted me to. that wasnt who the father was supposed to be

    he stole my dream and my baby. witching hour

    careful with the magic sometime

    i wouldve had the second man’s baby. just like in my vision. i wanted to have a son before i died… i thought i would die soon…

    but i didnt have the baby neither did i die

    i did have breastmilk and sadness…

    i had to let that iron thing in me… i dreamed of the iron eagle eating an infant on a battlefield… my godson was 3 weeks old… i thought it was him and got scared

    but no it was me and i didnt know i was pregnant

    wat a brave baby

    i guess he was like my protector.

  111.  #111Daria on December 4, 2009 at 12:17 am

    sometimes i feel envy of women i know
    like a girl who was pregnant that time
    she had the baby tho she didnt have a clue who the father was
    she had sex with everyone all the time

    and that was her second child
    and she raised the first one too

    i said wow why am i not brave like her
    and my godsis mom said
    maybe thats the way for her
    and you have a different way

    that was kind

  112.  #112Daria on December 4, 2009 at 12:22 am

    i jsut went on a mini date
    ina car

    with a man who wanted me the first second he saw me
    6 years ago

    he told me he would leave all other women for me
    he took me out to eat – the first man to do that – i thought he was trippin


    i know he wants to marry me

    his cousin just got killed
    i feel sad

    i let him kiss me in the end
    it felt nice! hes a good kisser

    he was “hovering guy” from before
    i was much more honest about how babytalking is not turning me on at this point
    and i felt less anxious

    i kept stressing that i want him to get a job
    he’s been going thru so much
    but that job
    i feel angry that he hasnt gotten it
    he said hell show me the receipt
    that he will pay for the job

    i ask angels to bless him and forgive him
    and give him a good life
    not have him die

    hes been someone i could trust

  113.  #113Daria on December 4, 2009 at 12:23 am

    i meant the receipt for what he has to pay to get the job
    hes gonna get it
    thas wassup
    i want to hear about good things

    this man works so hard and supports his mom and whole family

    he deserves some good in his life
    a lot of good

    thank u

  114.  #114Mary on December 4, 2009 at 12:57 am

    I like that Daria:

    “maybe that’s the way for her
    and you have a different way.”

    Yes, that was really kind.

  115.  #115Tina on December 4, 2009 at 1:53 am

    I’m reading my posts and feel I’m saying the same thing over and over again.

    Shirley’s situaiton if anything is liberating for her. I feel respect for her for even daring to feel that she has options. I agree with Rori it is “Rockstar” The time and energy put in to her email to Rori for one is an indication she has some “morals” around this situation. I wouldn’t wait a split second while he hummed and hawed over whether he wanted to “consider” forever after with her , I would be out the door doin the bump and grind with buy B 🙂

  116.  #116alias girl on December 4, 2009 at 2:01 am

    i feel affection for all the sirens here. 🙂

    i feel Amazed how many men are in the world. i feel appreciative that i actually feel there are a lot of options now. i feel amused that some men are all leaning back and seemingly “playing it cool” when other men are just swooping into that gap they leave. it’s like there is a crowd of suitors beneath my castle window. but there can only be say six or eight ‘real’ contenders at a time. and some ‘playing it cool’ suitor is all leaned back against the wall, looking around, not planning, not pleasing, not rowing. and another suitor comes in and bumps him out.

    haha. this is truly how i feel at the moment. like, uh, dude. i am not going to be your fake ’email girlfriend’. one guy emailed that he “missed me”. wtf. how so? i am right here. you could perhaps, ask for my phone number. or make a date.

    he “misses me”. oh ok. where are you, alaska?

    anyhoo. i feel very happy with my new normal. and this never made sense until i experienced it. i bounce back to a pretty good place much much quicker than i used to. minutes or hours as compared to days or years in the past. and my place i bounce back to is so much happier and freer and good feeling that it Ever was even in my ‘highs’ before.

    my good feelings feel cleaner, more pure. more simple.

    i just feel like clean water sometimes. which is nice.

  117.  #117Daria on December 4, 2009 at 2:23 am

    Yes! AG I bounced back too!!

    I can have a happy life even tho i trust and love people and my ipod goes missing!

    yes it feels icky

    but it says somehtin gabout them!

    not about me:

    I was thinking it said im not good enough, important, respected

    but no! from this new normal i just now see it just says stuff about them

    i can go on and have a happy life as rori says



    i slept all day today feeling sad and tryna get a moment of respite in my dreams (i did)

    then i woke up and had a nice mini date

    i feel so surprised i enjoyed my kiss!


    and now im enjoying for the love of ray j wich makes me LAUGH

    and im feleing gooood

  118.  #118Daria on December 4, 2009 at 2:24 am

    thank you mary! i felt so good reading that you thought that was kind as well!

  119.  #119Tina on December 4, 2009 at 2:39 am

    Personally, I wouldnt do it, I’ve made enough “mistakes” around this issue to know that it deosnt feel good for me. My wishy washy feelings is a sure sign im not ready for any kind of bump and grind session with anyone so yeah. “truck man” just emailed me and asked if I wanted to do something this weekend, haha yeah I wanna do something, I want to decorate my house for christmas 🙂

    He “chat yelled” at me lol. I told my sister about it, we laughed.

    I feel annoyed that he did that, I feel like calling him a loser and telling him to fuck off. I”m still harboring resentment about it. I feel like dropping him out of my rotation but he’s the only one in my rotation lol. I dont want to do that.

    I dont feel heard, im not even sure what I want to feel heard about, just that I want to feel heard. I feel unsettled, I feel unheard. When I feel unheard , I tend to do passive agressive stuff, like block him and inadvertantly deleting myself off his favs list 🙂 I withdraw, my ex would become abusive, verbally, emotionally , physically a few times, mentally ick ick ick. I feel icky bad,

    What is it that I feel unheard about?

  120.  #120Tina on December 4, 2009 at 2:46 am

    So I just left an email with him, saying I still feel unheard about the topic of sexual intimacy, what it means and all that blah blah blah.

  121.  #121Tina on December 4, 2009 at 2:58 am

    Thats’ it a “new normal” rather than feel judgmental we applaud each other for our new normal. I like this 🙂

  122.  #122Tracy on December 4, 2009 at 3:16 am

    Wow i feel that i have opened the part of me that stuffed all my anger and sadness…I feel sad and confused with all these feelings coming up.I feel my fear…it feels so raw and real…I didn’t know i had so much stuff inside…so much sadness….

  123.  #123alias girl on December 4, 2009 at 3:33 am

    haaha i just started watching this rayj episode and well i’ve never really seen the show before so i don’t know a lot about it. but in this epsiode there seems to be a bunch of girls living in the house all vying for rayj.

    hahaha i feel disturbed a little from what i’ve seen. however

    i would feel very fun to be on the rayj end.

    hahaha maybe that will be my tv show. or maybe my real life. ahahahahahahahahah i will have a bunch of guys living in my mansion all just centered on PLEASING and WOOING AND WINNING my affection and time.


  124.  #124alias girl on December 4, 2009 at 3:36 am

    and the girls all have these funny nicknames. ahaha. so my men/suitors could have nicknames like studly and hotstuff and papi caliente ahahaha

  125.  #125Jennifer on December 4, 2009 at 4:49 am

    I feel so envious of AG and Daria…
    I am not doing any bouncing.
    I am lying in a puddle on the floor.
    And this is not a good place. This place sucks.

    I realized that he is not trying. Not at all. Therefore I don’t matter to him. Even though he said I did and he wanted to show me how much….I don’t REALLY matter. It’s been a month and he hasn’t called me or come to see me.
    I never really mattered or I wouldn’t have left but I got stupid and believed him when he said he wanted to try to be different.
    I should have known better. After 6 years of not really mattering….I should never have expected to suddenly start.

    I want to slap his face. Lying sack of shit.

  126.  #126Jennifer on December 4, 2009 at 4:52 am

    I am supposed to go out with my SUPER attractive friend tonight to a pub she and her pilot BF go to. It’s near the base and alot of the officers and what not go there.

    I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I feel nasty and small and petty and unhappy.

    I do not feel attractive and bright and sunny and friendly.
    I want to drive three hours to the base where B is and slap his face.

  127.  #127Tracy on December 4, 2009 at 7:32 am

    I love that i can feel my sadness and anger…..I feel happy that i can sink into those feelings and accept them as they are….I feel the anger and frustration with where my life is right now…I feel triggered that i havent got it all figured out and i feel an urge to do something about it…i feel a soft nudge to just feel through this moment…i have never really sank in or accepted my fear and frustration with life…i feel that i have stuffed it all up and now it wants to be heard and accepted…
    It feels good to know that i can feel all these and still grow stronger out of it….I feel afraid of being lonely and being abandoned….i can’t trace where i got this fear but its so strong and intense inside of me…
    I feel afraid of ending up alone…i feel afraid of being abandoned and having no one…i feel that this fear has made me choose the relationships that i have had…
    I feel my walls sliding down..i feel open and scared…i love that i can feel this…it feels like a sweet feels like sadness wrapped around in love…
    I feel much better now that i have written it down..

  128.  #128Simply Shannon on December 4, 2009 at 7:36 am

    AG: Your post about men “leaning back” getting bumped off the castle wall is exactly how I feel. I do feel curious how you handle men who aren’t taking it any further than emails. I have one guy who I would like to meet but he just keeps emailing me. I feel kind of bored with just emailing him. I want face time. I feel weird saying just that and not feeling like I’m forcing him to ask. What would you do? I feel curious. I also like feeling better within hours/days as opposed to months/years. I feel pretty good, like a 7 or an 8 out of 10, even on my “down” days. I love your voice AG. Thank you for being here. And for what it’s worth, you already have your TV show… it’s called real life. Men are vying for your time already. Reality can be WAY better than TV. 😉

    Daria: I love your voice here too. Sometimes your honesty is so heartbreakingly real. (I’m making up words. 🙂 ) I feel in awe of how you just put it out there. I believe you are much stronger than you even realize.

    Jennifer: Two options: A) Stay at home and wallow in your sorrow, waiting for B to call or B) get all dolled up (look good, smell good, feel good) and go out with your girlfriend to a place with lots of men? Ummm… that’s an easy choice for me. A trick I do when I’m feeling down is to fake it until I make it. This is especially useful in the beginnings of a breakup, when I tend to let the nasty voices do a number on me. The more often I go out and see that other men find me attractive, the easier it gets to believe I’m still worthy of the affection I desire. (((HUGS))) I know all too well how you are feeling right now. Pretend to be a rockstar, pretend to be the woman in the room that all the men want, pretend that you can have any of them… and one day you’ll open your eyes and realize it’s true. If you can’t do it for you right now, then do it for me. Do it to prove me wrong. Deal? 🙂


    Sha-nay-nay and I are back in the bouncy house today. Come out, come out, wherever you are. Come bounce with me!


    It’s Friday my dear Sirens.


    Who wants to have some fun today?


    Me, me, me.


    Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride
    Nobody gonna slow me down, oh no
    I got to keep on moving…


    I’m a rockstar. Watch me.


    I am in love with myself, even the most eff’d up parts.


    I fall off my horse. No problem, just get back up, learn the lesson and stop doing what doesn’t feel good.


    Thank you God for my life.


    Thank you God for my life.


    Thank you God for my life.

  129.  #129DocK on December 4, 2009 at 7:54 am

    Jennifer – I feel compassion. What you are going through – so difficult. I felt that too – when I went through that. So many words about feelings and promises and then – nothing. Like, ‘how do you do that? Don’t you know your own heart?’ Feels angry and volatile and I had to acknowledge myself every time I just wanted to call and rail at him and didn’t. To do that would have been giving away my power.

    When I was at that place of wanting him to come back – I felt like he had all of the power – like a little doll on a shelf waiting for him to come and play with me.

    Something that helped me was to realize that even if he did come back (seemingly what I thought I wanted) – I would get to choose whether or not I wanted him back. I had the power too.

    It is so so hard to go through this. Your “better” will come along. It takes time to feel the soup of anger, hurt and sadness. I decided to thank him (to myself) for helping me to open my hear and be vulnerable. I vowed that I would not close it again – no matter what didn’t work out with him. I reminded myself that with 7 billion people on this planet he was just one guy. I constantly affirmed that I am a man magnet and I smiled and flirted. I knew that the guy that would be right for me was there somewhere on his way to me – maybe I had already met him – maybe I hadn’t yet and got excited about realizing that the mystery of who he was would unfold one day and how much fun it would be. I also knew that once that happened, I’d be so happy that this guy got out of the way for new guy to show up.

    We all love and support you because we have all gone through this and we know it isn’t easy and hurts like hell. Just keep coming back to us when you need us.

  130.  #130DocK on December 4, 2009 at 8:06 am

    I had lots of fun last night at the TGIF bartender competition. Very crowded, great music and loads of flirting. Felt like a frisky lioness playing with my cubs (please, no cougar jokes HA!).

    Today feeling grief and sadness but also joy in celebrating the memory of my dear, Jeffrey that passed a year ago. Many can’t understand how I could use a pole dance to honor his life but SFactor is very different from other pole dance schools. We build a relationship with the women that take the class and we support each other in expressing whatever emotion we need to through our individual dance to the song we choose.

    Jeffrey called me “the fraulein” (from the sound of music) and he loved me the way I am and taught me so much about our spirits. He was a great teacher.

    I will be dancing to a song called God’s Top 10 by INXS.

  131.  #131Simply Shannon on December 4, 2009 at 8:24 am

    Jennifer: Reading Dock’s message (and thank you Dock for sounding more compassionate – I loved reading your msg), I guess I feel hopeful that you won’t think my message to you was glib or meant to discredit what you are feeling right now. I am definitely not meaning to do that. I know your feelings all too well. I’ve had some distance from my last breakup, and I still think about him. It’s okay to do that. Treat yourself kindly. Grieve what you need to grieve, but please do not think of yourself as unworthy or that this is the end of all the love in your life. It is NOT the end. I feel such compassion for you, because I have been there MANY times.

  132.  #132Simply Shannon on December 4, 2009 at 8:25 am

    Announcement – Nasty Voices, I hereby personally invite you all to come visit the bouncy house.

    Announcement – All Sirens are asked to please exit the bouncy house to give plenty of room for all of those NVs. (Shhh – nobody tell the NVs but I just bought us Sirens a super cool castle bouncy house that’s way bigger than the old one…)

    Announcment – Nasty Voices, please form a nice orderly line into the bouncy house. Don’t be afraid. Just go jump. Get it all out. Scream out those words you seem hell bent on making us believe. Yep, I give you permission. I love you. I want you to jump. Thank you for trying to protect us. Go on… go jump. It’s okay. We’ll be here.

  133.  #133Simply Shannon on December 4, 2009 at 8:27 am

    Oh wow Dock. Huge hugs to you on the anniversary of Jeffrey’s death. (((HUGS))) I’m sorry you lost a dear friend.

  134.  #134DocK on December 4, 2009 at 8:50 am

    SS – thank you so much. (Accepting hug) : )

  135.  #135Mercedes on December 4, 2009 at 8:56 am

    DocK: I’m with Shannon…my heart really goes out to you today and you will be in my thoughts. I know how hard it is to lose someone close and I know the feeling of remembering them and honoring that memory in our own special way.

    Take care lady, I’m thinking of you.

    Much Love,

  136.  #136Mercedes on December 4, 2009 at 9:09 am

    Nikita: “and before anyone starts thinking-that maybe nikita is just a prude cuz her mom scared her with b.s. about condom patents……”

    There’s a HUGE difference between a prude and a woman who is in control of her body and who is confident enough to know that when she’s ready, she’ll share her gift with another. I don’t think you’re a prude at all…I think you simply recognize your body as a gift and you set your standards to a place that makes you comfortable. I feel the same way about myself. I’m not a prude, but I do require a man earn the right to be inside of me.

    I cannot give myself an orgasm that is near as intense as the ones J gives me, but I can certainly give myself one that is as good as a stranger could do. LOL

    Much Love,

  137.  #137Simply Shannon on December 4, 2009 at 9:23 am

    Mercedes: I cannot give myself an orgasm that is near as intense as the ones J gives me, but I can certainly give myself one that is as good as a stranger could do.

    Hahahaha! So very true! Hahahaha!

    Nikita: I doubt very seriously that you could ever be a prude. I definitely brizzled at the “whore” word but that would be MY trigger and the voices in MY head that want to assign some of MY behavior to that word. Everybody has a line. Mine might be way outside your comfort zone and vice versa. I just don’t want to be labeled or judged for what’s inside MY comfort zone. 🙂

    I almost forgot this but last night my kids and I were singing Christmas songs (while looking at lights in our neighborhood – I LOVE Christmas!). One my boys wanted to sing Old MacDonald and so I changed it into the Christmas version by saying Old MacDonald had a Jingle Bell… and so on. The last one was Old MacDonald had a Santa Claus, E-I-E-I-O. With a Ho Ho here and a Ho Ho there, Here a Ho, there a Ho, Everywhere a Ho Ho.

    I instantly thought of this post and all the “hoe” talk. I could not stop laughing!

    Here a Ho…

    Hahaha! 🙂

  138.  #138tinque on December 4, 2009 at 9:26 am

    Jennifer – My heart feels yours in this moment. It’s aching. It hurts so badly. Yet my heart is full enough to support yours. This too shall pass sounds trite, but it’s the truth.
    And you have a wonderful support system here.

  139.  #139tinque on December 4, 2009 at 9:27 am

    To Jeffrey…and BIG hugs to my Miss DocK

  140.  #140tinque on December 4, 2009 at 9:28 am

    Mary – You’re welcome and thank you.

  141.  #141tinque on December 4, 2009 at 9:29 am

    Nikita – If you’re a prude than I must be one too. Let’s celebrate prudeism…

  142.  #142Aldonza on December 4, 2009 at 9:57 am

    “Let’s celebrate prudeism…”

    How about, Let’s celebrate making conscious decisions about how and with whom we choose to share our sexuality?

  143.  #143DocK on December 4, 2009 at 10:05 am

    Thanks lovely Sirens – I feel blessed, hugged and loved. Tonight will feel deep and amazing. : )

  144.  #144Katie on December 4, 2009 at 10:09 am

    Tracy – thanks – you’ve put some great words to your feelings, and it has allowed me to better contact how I feel just now.

    “I love that i can feel my sadness and anger…..I feel happy that i can sink into those feelings and accept them as they are…( all this post)”

    Hugs xx

  145.  #145Katie on December 4, 2009 at 10:17 am

    Really good convos going on here about sex and men and being true, good reading through. There’s a big difference between men’s after sex feelings and women’s, I doubt that men ever feel particularly bad afterwards about any kind of sex with a woman.
    Its just the way men are put together.

  146.  #146Katie on December 4, 2009 at 10:20 am

    Its mostly on the outside for men physically and emotionally, but its different for girls being mostly internal.

  147.  #147tinque on December 4, 2009 at 10:25 am

    Most men maybe Katie. Some men are not that way, and I don’t mean more feminine energy men either. K has never engaged in casual sex, never had a one night stand, and he’s certainly not sexually repressed in any way. He chose to only have sex with those he felt an emotional connection.
    But yes men are tending to be external and women internal. What’s lovely is when two people can combine these aspects into a lovely dance where it’s hard to tell where one body ends and the other begins because they are so lovingly intertwined.

  148.  #148Mercedes on December 4, 2009 at 10:27 am

    I kind of like the thought of celebrating prudism. Not sure when it became a negative thing. I’d love to have some of the girls I work with embrace prudism by covering up a little more skin and wearing a lot less makeup and not hopping into the backseat with every cute guy in class. Yes, I’m talking about teenagers, but if I could see a few of them celebrate being prudes for a little longer than eighth grade, I would absolutely MC the party!

    Much Love,

  149.  #149Nikita on December 4, 2009 at 10:28 am


    omg! tmi !!!! lol!….just kidding-sort-of….

    I cannot give myself an orgasm that is near as intense as the ones J gives me, but I can certainly give myself one that is as good as a stranger could do. LOL

    wow, that felt realllllllllly intimate-thx tho……..I feel similar

  150.  #150Mercedes on December 4, 2009 at 10:33 am

    Nikita..LOL. I’ve never been shy when it comes to talking about sex…remember, I counsel sexual abuse victims. We talk about sex all the time and we talk about masterbation and men and love and feelings, etc.

    I didn’t think what that might sound like to those who don’t know me all that well, but then again…I just read tinque’s ebook which totally teaches us to celebrate and get in touch with our own sexuality. I’m feeling a bit open in that area of conversation right now. lol

    I’m a sexy, sensual and sexual being. Sometimes I forget to keep it to myself though. LOL

    Much Love,

  151.  #151Nikita on December 4, 2009 at 10:44 am


    it was very poignant…….and I wish I could have a t-shirt that said….

    “smokin’ hot prude you’d love to f**k” hahahaha!!!!!!!!

    or maybe something a bit more clever….. 🙂

    I do consider myself reserved and a bit conservative but If anyone saw me with my red lipstick, and heels-they might mumble “whore” under their breath-and I feel very amused by that…..scintillating little prude I can be 🙂

  152.  #152Nikita on December 4, 2009 at 10:53 am


    I would probably knock down walls to go to the Officer’s club….OMG…I love their dress uniforms…so terribly HOT.

    and I have zero desire to be with a military man….but it would tickle me to no end to be surrounded by so many hungry lions 😉 I’d wear a red dress too!!!!! what a vision-!!
    So much masculinity-how could a girl not melt and be reminded of her total FEMININITY in that environment??????

    I’d let at least ten take me for a twirl around the dance floor……and totally hold court :)……plus-word travels fast on post/base 🙂 hehehe… mischevious I am!!!!

    it’s like a crash course in “speed circular dating” so many!!!!! and no need to get hung up on them-it’s just all moment to moment….I bet they’d really appreciate your presence…… could…..DO IT FOR THE GOOD OF THE NATION!!! how many goddesses have they met lately…mmmm???…….mmm????…..MMM?????


  153.  #153laughing goddess on December 4, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    Ha ha! Do it for the good of the nation Jennifer! Yes!!!

    Yes, go have fun. Fake it til you make it. I agree with all of this.

    Sending you hugs. I feel empathy for what you are feeling.

    Something I tell myself when things feel really hopeless is “wow, if I only knew how great my life is going to be, I wouldn’t feel so down now. What if this situation is absolutely perfect exactly as it is and it’s only bringing me closer to what I want, I would feel ecstatic right now. And on and on…”

    This situation really could be much better than you think. Maybe B is thinking if you right now, maybe he just doesn’t know what to say, maybe he is feeling hopelessly sad, or maybe it’s awesome that he’s not around because he is making space for a great guy to come in or giving you an opportunity to love yourself more. The are so many other possible explainations for what is going on other than that you aren’t good enough. You just gotta open your mind to the possibilities.

    Hugs hugs hugs!

  154.  #154alias girl on December 4, 2009 at 1:16 pm

    Jennifer big *HUG*. you are a lovely goddess. you are beautiful and bright and lovely. i feel so proud of you for feeling your feelings. for me this got me in touch with REALITY. and yes it hurt for me to see the reality I had sugar coated and pretended about.

    the guys i had in my past loved me. maybe even cared for me. but they had far too much of their own garbage going on to really step up and be yummy and rowing. and that’s ok because for a long time i had a lot of m own garbage and fears and so that’s why we had been a good match.

    BUT YOU ARE GROWING AND EXPANDING INTO GODDESSDOM. so some of the old folks might not ‘fit’ as well as they did. and yes that was painful for me.

    i feel very supportive. i feel your sunshine rays even through your clouds.

    it might be Fun to go be around a bunch of military dudes. those guys LOVE women. so at least it mght be some good attention and energy and practice.


  155.  #155alias girl on December 4, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    simply shannon. mmm i feel warm hearted reading your words. 🙂 !

    i just back off on responding as much. or sometimes i say i feel bored. one guy i told him i didn’t want pen pals and he BLOCKED ME. and continues to look at my profile everytime he’s online. 🙂

    I don’t care if they drop off (they rarely do) because they are not on my way to happy ever after anyway. what do i care if i lose a pen pal. ack.

    i am living in freaking cutie pie heaven. and men WANT to get to know me and spend time with me and call me. so these other ones get bumped back behind the castle moat. and then they’ll try and elbow their way back in. THEY LOVE IT. and i feel giving them the opportunity to be men is very goddessey of me. THEY LOVE IT.

    i never give more than i am getting. i give back. if they write me one word and don’t keep the conversation going i probably won’t respond back. i can Feel their energy.

    but the most exciting change for me which i had made a PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT about was to stop cutting them off completely. (Unless i truly wasn’t interested) but if i am interested and they simply aren’t rowing i let them figure it out on their own. and they come back and try again. this way i have a stronger rotation and crowd at my window. WHICH THEY LOVE.

    thank you. life is an easy breezy piece of cake. all aspects of my life are easy breezy and this feels fun and good and exciting. yes! i am learning to WAKE UP IN THE MORNING WITH ENTHUSIASM. hahah if that is not a miracle in my life, i don’t know what is.

  156.  #156alias girl on December 4, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    DocK, i feel compassionate and comforting. i also feel inspired that you created a pole dance for your friend jeffrey. i feel moved.

    i feel inspired and appreciative of your beingness.

  157.  #157alias girl on December 4, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    haha “do it for the good of the nation” hahaha

  158.  #158laughing goddess on December 4, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    I feel so in agreement with what Abraham Hicks says about not taking “reality” so seriously because “reality” is always changing for us based on the vibration we are radiating. “Reality” can change in an instant. Besides we can’t possibly even comprehend what “reality” truly is because we only know how we feel. We have no idea what is going on for the other person. I have seen this working in my own life and it feels really really great.

    And while I do find it helpful to feel all of my feelings, when the negative feelings come up, I realize that they are just an indicator the I am focusing on thoughts and beliefs that are out of alignment with what my higher self knows to be true. So I would rather get the message quickly and get in alignment and start thinking thoughts that feel good.

    I know that the lousy treatment I have gotten in the past from men has merely been a reflection of what I believed I deserved. It really has nothing to do with the man. I have seen those same men treat other women as complete goddesses. It’s not that they weren’t capable, I just wouldn’t let it in.

    I feel tired of writing guys off. I feel inspired to change my “reality” from within. I feel excited to be going out with J tonight. I feel so thrilled to see him stepping up and rowing as I lean back. I still feel triggered and insecure when I am around him because I feel sooo attracted and I still have thoughts and beliefs coming up that I am not good enough to be with someone so wonderful. He never says that, it’s just the NV in my head. His only complaint is that he doesn’t want to deal with drama and excessive processing. I feel understanding of that. I don’t want to deal with that either.

    Much love to all goddesses. I feel happy to hear what’s going on in your lives. It feels so good to see all the support happening here on siren island!

  159.  #159laughing goddess on December 4, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    Irony… I used to sit around aching for J to call. Now he’s calling soooo much. It feels different. It feels good. It feels strange. I am getting more comfortable with it. It feels ironic to feel weird about getting exactly what I want

  160.  #160laughing goddess on December 4, 2009 at 4:38 pm

    I am ok with letting someone love me. I am ok with being pursued. I can do this. I can do this. I can let somebody in.

    I can do this!

    I feel so scared of being loved. I feel safer when I am the pursuer…when I am in control. Oh my goodness, I feel so scared bit I know I can do this. I know I can overcome my fears. I love this fear. I really mean it. I love this fear…but ya know what? I can handle being loved. I can do this.

    I love that I am feeling so triggered.

  161.  #161alias girl on December 4, 2009 at 5:27 pm

    🙂 laughing goddess. i feel uplifted and comforted to read your words. i feel cheered and also like cheering! yae!zers

  162.  #162laughing goddess on December 4, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    Awww AG. It feels sweet to hear your words. I feel uplifted by them. I feel supported. I feel touched.

  163.  #163Nikita on December 4, 2009 at 6:53 pm



    I feel disturbed and would like to clarify something……..

    I hear a very sweet considerate woman in Shirley’s letter…..and any of my not so pretty words had absolutely NOTHING to do with her…or her character. Just for the record…..

    I sincerely apologize if it seemed as though my grittiness was directed at the woman who wrote in……I feel extremely supportive of her and I hear a responsible-trustworthy person in her letter.


  164.  #164Flipper on December 5, 2009 at 4:08 am

    Nikita, I didn’t feel at all that what you wrote related directly to Shirley’s situation. I felt that it was coming from somewhere like what you described later – your personal knowledge of all those sad, misguided often exploited women. The reality that I know of is that people who are paid for sex very rarely even keep much of the money, and if they do it for ‘love” it’s for the person that abusively controls them. I hate the euphemistic term ‘sex worker’ – it only applies to a tiny fraction of those concerned, who are often closer to being slaves or indentured servants, or victims of such extreme financial or emotional poverty that they feel they have no other choice to survive.

    I feel and resonate with so much of what you Sirens have written here. xoxo

  165.  #165gina on December 5, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    I still feel curious about the emotion behind your words (“whore”). I understood the rationale behind what you said, but I noticed what I interpreted as fear and defensiveness behind your words.

  166.  #166Nikita on December 5, 2009 at 2:44 pm


    naaaah….I hung out with a lot of Italians and Catholics….I picked it up from them…….it’s sort of a jokey thing – if they hear a woman cheated on her husband or some guy gets hurt by a girl bcuz she slept with a stripper at her bachelorette party or something….or took the house in a divorce or is a stripper or….etc..etc…etc….they just whorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre…….and shrug……

  167.  #167julie smith on December 5, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    Hi Rori, It’s been 19 days and no communication or contact at all. I received 3 texts from him asking for his computer back and the remote control to his house. My girlfriends say that he is looking for a response since he hasn’t heard from me. They say that he is mad because i haven’t responded. I have ordered reconncetion, modern siren, and blueprint, but they are not here yet. I am scared that he is taking his stuff slowly and not coming back at all.

  168.  #168julie smith on December 5, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    Dear Rori, He knows that i can’t afford a computer. He bought me a washer and dyer, and a suv truck. Is he going to ask for all of it back? I thought these were gifts? We have been together for many years. Why is he asking now?

  169.  #169Daria on December 5, 2009 at 7:22 pm

    gosh that feels awful!

  170.  #170Mary on December 6, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    Well, I keep not deciding what to do.

    Since I’ve been a hermit for almost two years, I’ve given a lot of thought to dating, and I’ve really been looking forward to getting out there and trying all the tools. I was waiting to get my real estate license, and I still am not ready to take the test. So that’s number 1 on my agenda.

    I got into circular dating quite by accident when a friend met me at a dance, my ex-fiance just happened to show up, and a long lost love contacted me out of the blue. I didn’t feel serious about any of these guys, so I just decided to enjoy the time with them.

    Then they started fighting for me. And that’s why circular dating is so brilliant. It does really make you look like you’re in control of your life, like you’re the one making the decisions, and it does make the men go wild.

    The problem is that I never got out to do the light-hearted fun stuff. The guy I was dancing with jumped in with two feet and immediately started telling me he loved me. My ex-fiancee suddenly wanted me back and keeps talking marriage. (And I’m not considering the long lost love, because he’s in the middle of a divorce. I’m trying not to think about him; but he’s out there. He sent me a letter in the mail that was more or less an open invitation to relationship, in the future… in other words, he’s hoping I’ll be around when he’s finally single. The letter was all written in metaphors.)

    I want to just casually date for a while. And it’s Christmas! What a romantic time for dating! But who knows? Things have changed with me and my ex-fiance. He’s been out dating and now he’s decided that I’m the One. (but that somehow makes me feel like a consolation prize…) I have changed because of all the study, the time alone, the deep reflections and the decisions I’ve made. I’m also on a career track now, and that boosts my confidence. He keeps telling me I’m soooooo different than I was before. And that haunts me, because I’m the same person, just further down the road a bit.

    If I tell him that I’m going to do some casual dating, he’ll think that I’m not sure about him. (Which is probably true.) And that’ll kill him, and I sooooo don’t want to do that! It reminds me of what you said – Mercedes – if you slept with another guy, it would shatter your guy into a thousand pieces. I think that’s what would happen here. (and I wouldn’t be sleeping with anyone – just kissing.)

    If I just keep going the way we’re going, we’ll probably get married in four to six months, and I never will have done the casual dating that I wanted to do.

    The other guy is out of town at the moment, but he called this morning to say he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me again. Wow, I don’t even know how to juggle him back into the picture.

    What was that speech again? I would like to be married, but I don’t want to put pressure on our relationship, so I’m keeping my options until I have a ring on my finger (and I’m happy about it – that little key phrase for me!)

    I must risk the rejection that my ex-fiancee is going to feel! I must do it. The guy who’s out of town is finally cool with me dating other people, and I’m cool with him doing that, too. Somehow that makes him less special to me. The dilemma is that I don’t want to ratchet down the special feelings I have towards my ex, and the feelings he has towards me by putting that whorrrrrrrrrrrish, dating-around element in there. He knows how much I love to kiss. And kisses are more intimate than sex…

    This guy might make a fantastic husband for me.

    I could just hang in there, date only him, and keep my wits about me… maybe leave when my feelings tell me I should go! I can start circular dating whenever…

    Rori has said it all in her CDs: go ahead and circular date! If he can’t man-up, he isn’t worth it! (Is that what she said?) But I’ve been thinking since the last discussion, and I’m a little confused now because of all the opinions on the other side… I don’t want to lose a good man. And someone said that she wouldn’t want her man to say okay about her having other men in her life. What I said to my ex was this: “I’m not asking you to LIKE it! I’m asking you to TOLERATE it!” I probably shouldn’t have asked him anything…

    Not sure how to handle this. Any suggestions? I would really listen to what anyone has to say… Of course my situation seems dramatic at the moment! Time will go by, and the drama won’t be there, and I’ll have the wisdom of perspective, but maybe you have that wisdom for me now, when I need it! Please give me the view from your vantage point!

  171.  #171Mary on December 6, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    Oops, sorry… I should have posted this on today’s post. I’m gonna copy it over, so please go to the newest post if you have a comment, which I would love to read!

  172.  #172Rori Raye on December 6, 2009 at 9:17 pm

    Julie, Welcome, and I’m so sorry, I don’t know your whole story with this man…First – are you feeling in any danger from him, physically, emotionally, verbally? Is he violent? If not, then you need to reply to direct questions…that is responding. Say…(if this is true) that you cannot afford a computer and you would feel grateful if he could wait to pick that up.. . I’m not clear if this about the computer is a gift he gave you or his computer he left behind…but your number one focus now has to be on YOU becoming financially independent and not needing him at all for ANYTHING. Oh – and keep the other gifts, absolutely. Love, Rori

  173.  #173Charlene G. on December 10, 2009 at 11:53 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I kove all the theories you have about why men withdraw and are driven away. I have been married to a man for five years, who is, by the way, “toxic” in the form of dishing out love only when he feels like it, and being verbally abusive to me when I show the slightest bit of weakness and “clingyness”. I have been called every name in the book. He hasnt always been this way, and it has gotten worse the more he withdraws, and the more I try to break through the wall he has built up. The problem is that I think I may have found your tools too late (I purchased modern siren cd set). He is already gone in his heart and mind, and tells me he wants to leave as soon as he is able. He says he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore, and that he is “done”. I am crushed, and we also have a child together (which he says was a “mistake”-big toxic red-flag, right?). I don’t know if it is too late to transform him once his heart is not in it anymore, and am I crazy for even wanting to? I know that deep down inside there is a good man there, and he truly loved me at one time. I would love to hear what you think. Thanks, Char G.

  174.  #174Rori Raye on December 11, 2009 at 11:50 am

    Charlene, Welcome and I’m so sorry you’re in such a difficult situation. Trying to “break through his wall” is about the worst thing you can do – if you simply stop even thinking like that…it will get better for you. Now is the time to start figuring out the logistics (yes, get your “boy” involved) of getting out of this marriage. As soon as you make that mental decision and get “okay” with it and start Circular Dating (it’s not all about ‘dating” – it’s about ‘interacting” with men) – you may find you actually have a lot of power here. What’s most important is that you be financially solid and independent, and if you’re not – work to GET that way. Get yourself a lawyer and find out your options. Focus on you, please, instead of him. Right now – you need my “Toxic Men” program so you can learn to stand up to him in a way that will make you feel stronger – and also help you unravel “Why you are there.” Love, Rori

  175.  #175Aradea on January 8, 2011 at 3:22 am

    I just began my CD process a month ago, and here’s a few things I’m toying with, since I have maintained monogamy thru my life with each boyfriend/ex hubby, and I want to explore my boundaries more a bit here:
    1. Because I feel Iowa is a man I would want to maybe marry, I really want to wait and do my dating around bit, and I would choose to be pretty exclusive with him once we slept together. (Still plenty of flirting and some coffee dates, friend dates, me dates) I would inactivate my match profile. I need to spend this time getting to know myself and doing this CD thing. For me. Iowa and I may not have sex for 6 months, then. I have told him this and he is accepting, though was surprised & not particularly pleased when I told him I am dating. I also explained he is the 3rd match date I had, one of my first emails.

    2. I will not be able to hold out 2 more months with Iowa if I don’t take a lover. He is sexy. I want to do it, so does he. And he expects exclusivity once we do. I want to be able to keep my head in this, because I DO see him as possibly the ONE I could choose, but I don’t have enough CD experience and practice to feel certain at this point, and wouldn’t expect to in only a month.

    3. I want to have a more casual lover relationship with another CD where we are monogamous, though not exclusive at all. FWB, sorta. Someone I do truly think has potential, but I wouldn’t feel bad if it didn’t work out- after all, I have several other options on the roster!
    4. I am only just now having 2nd dates with a few men, after a first a week or so ago, and I may find this somehow limiting,- or liberating? to sleep with only 1 of them. I would be honest with him I am seeing others till I am wearing a ring, and that I don’t want to pressure him in that way, or myself.

    5. What happens when there’s someone else I want to have sex with? I will keep my promise to #1, so I will just have to talk to him and be honest. He either stays or he goes, I guess. So I’d choose which I will keep by having sex with him? (love your input here ladies!)

    This is the boundary I want to explore, though.


    Heck, I didn’t think I’d have so many first date kisses, but then I honestly thought, “I’m curious to see if I like kissing him, and I didn’t feel bad about the last first-date kiss, so…. I will.” I am exploring affection with some of my 2nd dates, holding hands, kissing, hugs, …For me it’s also good to see how affectionate and cuddly a man is with me, though I don’t want overfamiliarity or groping. As I head into 3rd dates, I feel certain I’ll keep with some of the exploring, but I also have a pretty good sense of where my boundary is, too. This is so important for me to speak up about sex, touching, etc.

    What do you all think?

  176.  #176Aradea on January 8, 2011 at 3:46 am

    #102 SS
    I loved your post, since I’m feeling so much the same way.

    Aldonza & Dock had it right too- I copied out the last paragraph of A’s for inside my bathroom cupboard- might put it to go over on my phone when I’m feeling uncertain- like a mantra!

  177.  #177KatIAm on February 20, 2012 at 11:39 am

    I came to this website after a friend mentioned it, and the whole practice of circular dating. I am in my 40’s, divorced, and really have a hard time grasping wanting more than one man – i can see employing “fillers” and continuing to date new men, and consider them – but I have never in my life felt sexually attracted enough to sleep with more than one. One guy always eclipses the rest. I am hoping that a conscious effort on my behalf will change this because I am starting to see how the tides could turn for me if I were able to flow this way. I do not have a hard time attracting men – I just have a difficult time finding one that I want to be naked with. So, as I embark on this circular thing, I am feeling like the new dates that I spend time with (usually 1-3 and then I cut them lose, because I didn’t feel it) are just filler. I feel a bit guilty for doing this to them, but I really want to be in a relationship now, and I have learned that getting hung up on Mr. Not-available-but-hot-as-hell, is not working toward that end. Here is my question—-
    I’ve read here that a man “just knows” if a woman is someone he can bond with emotionally. If this is true, and if you have extended yourself, and slept with him, as you are “circular dating”, why do you continue to sleep with him. If he isn’t stepping up – shouldn’t you drop him out of circulation – and doesn’t that seem rough if he is really the only one who you feel you’d want a commitment from? Do you drop him off once you’ve found another that you can be attracted to in that way? Am I getting it? (and why do I feel a bit skeezy about this?)

  178.  #178Monica on April 6, 2012 at 12:40 am

    Prrrfect reading. Answered my question in a good way. Thank you;)
    I’m circular dating and loving it. I have 2 lovers right now. I enjoy the both of them;) They don’t know of one another. But they do know where I’m at in life. I’m a 41 year old lady. I became single 3 months ago. Love the single life. I’m growing into a confident woman with lots of loving to spread.