How Many Men That You’re Circular Dating Can You Sleep With – And What Do You Tell Them?

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heartonbellylargeThe Question:

“Hi Rori… this has been confusing me for years… when you say to CD and tell a guy you’re sleeping with “I’m not sleeping with anyone else”… is this because men will leave if you Are sleeping with other people (or is it to trigger the women readers less)?

Do we need to have sexual exclusivity while CDing if there’s a guy we like more than others…? D”

My Answer:

D – You do NOT have to do ANYTHING! NO RULES!!

Polyamory is based on sleeping with anyone you like, all at the same time, anyway you’d like to do that…and it’s more long-term than “casual.”

If you seriously like a guy, and you’re dating him in a way that you feel is growing into a relationship – I would most likely NOT sleep with another man “casually.”

However, if you’re on equal footing with several men – do what feels comfortable to you. And, if a discussion gets started about exclusivity – then the discussion would be about SEXUAL exclusivity first, and about GENERAL, date no one else exclusivity as a higher level.

From D:

Rori – thanks whew ! i love that i don’t have to do anything. i’m not interested in polyamory on a long term level, i Am interested in exploring my sexuality and pleasure… until a guy asks to marry me that I can consider…

…so why would you not sleep with a guy “casually?” ( I don’t really get what ‘casually’ means, or if I sleep with anyone ‘casually’ i’m not sure if sleeping with men i care about on some level counts as that)

Basically I’m wondering if a Good man that I’m dating regularly will leave if I say I don’t want sexual exclusivity until engagement (because I feel excited about my new sexual power and want to (if i want to in the moment) explore my sexuality with the help of other men when I’m not on dates with him).

I keep feeling scared and get the impression from what other women say their man said that a “high self esteem man” will not “put up with” a woman who is sleeping around.

I just don’t want to give up on my (newly discovered) ability to sleep with whoever I want until there’s a ‘real future’ on the table… and I don’t want to lose my Good men…

What do you think? will guys balk?

From Rori:

D – forget about what guys will do until you know what YOU want!!!

Clearly, you do not seem ready for the “white picket fence” or anywhere near that level of traditional relationship.

So, if you want to be “casual” – which is one-night-stand, or – he’s sexy and I want to have sex with him, but I wouldn’t want to marry him, or he’s married or totally unavailable or immature…..then you’re not really in the market for the long term.

SO – you likely won’t meet many men who fit that traditional role.

Also – you may, in your adventures, meet a man you want to stick with, and he with you – and then this is all irrelevant!

Love, Rori

Posted in

364 Comments

  1.  #1Lisa on October 10, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    @ D- from my perspective and my understanding of the definition of polyamory it means many loves.. so nothing casual about it…

    Swinging is casual sex… without attachments… more for pleasure and experimentation from what I’ve understood.

    If your interested in many men at the same level ( romantically) and waiting until one shows up to be the one to marry, which Rori suggests that you do… I’d just say it like you did, I want to keep my options open sexually, until marriage is on the table. Frankly I’d be wanting to have sex with a man prior to knowing if I even wanted to consider him for marriage.. but, it can be complicated and yet, I’ve read that some women do it… successfully.. watch the bachelor and bachelorette reality show and that is what they do..( if I’m understanding what your wanting) they have sex with the 3 men they are most interested in marrying, until that time one of them decides which one it is.. Just my thoughts….

    for me in my experience, honesty is the best policy…

    Just throwing out there my experience… for what it is worth… Good luck with it…

    OXOXO



  2.  #2Liquid Light on October 10, 2013 at 9:49 pm

    Wow, this seems like its promoting really unsafe behavior. I just don’t see how any woman could sleep with multiple men in this day and age. That seems reckless an irresponsible and opening yourself up to getting an STD. Quite frankly, its disturbing to see this type of behavior being promoted here.



  3.  #3Vi on October 10, 2013 at 9:56 pm

    Yum!



  4.  #4Veronica on October 10, 2013 at 11:15 pm

    I feel angry that this fear has been running under my choices of men, my behavior for so long. I see it now and I feel a little appalled and also relieved – now I know and I don’t have to do that anymore.

    I was so bothered by contact and having consistent contact with these men has temporarily calmed that down enough for me to notice this fear. I choose feminine men so that I can control the situations I have with them. I can overfunction/lean forward and then I don’t have to trust myself, my instincts, my feelings. I don’t have delve deep into myself. I don’t have to trust the other person. I don’t have to have my trust broken. I can deflect what’s coming towards me. I’m always ‘prepared’. I don’t have to receive. I don’t have to be vulnerable. OR I let him decide and just go along, I have no opinion to give, I have no desires. I don’t make a decision, I don’t have to stand by what I say/believe/want. There is no responsibility required on both our parts to each other. I just do what is required and get out quickly afterwards – then minimal contact is ‘okay’, weekends only is ‘okay’, have the moment and be gone, not hang around long enough to have to insert myself into the situation. It’s either me or him that’s present, not both of us at the same time. But it doesn’t work because it’s not what I want. For a long time I couldn’t imagine having what I want without it being a violation of some sort. Because before, I got the attention I wanted but it was a violation. It’s always felt that way since.

    Considering the above I also notice how exceptionally good I was to myself – so caring and giving the best to me that I could within those confines. I feel honoured that that was what I did for myself. I see now that the confines can be removed because I feel confident that there’s a way to be loved without it feeling like a violation. I feel safe now to do that.

    I see a little of that behavior now too – I’m choosing neutral men now – who are not coming at me with their wanting to love me. That’s okay for now.



  5.  #5Cris on October 11, 2013 at 12:33 am

    not a lot of experience on that, I must say… But I suppose I would be bad on CDing… will keep and fall in love with the first in the round!
    I started attending a meditation group 1 week ago.. I think it is good for clearing and quieting the mind, although it is a long term work, I think

    kisses



  6.  #6Zia on October 11, 2013 at 12:54 am

    All of this is great advice! As long as a woman is open and upfront with the men she’s sleeping with, then what’s the problem? As long as she’s safe with the men she IS sleeping with, she can do whatever she likes!

    I’m feeling hugely triggered by post #2. I personally have no interest whatsoever in sleeping with more than one man at a time (and even deciding if I want to sleep with one man on a casual basis is a big decision for me) however there are many people (and couples!!) who decide to do so and as long as they’re honest with themselves first, the people they’re sleeping with second, then why shouldn’t they go out, play, have fun, and enjoy?!



  7.  #7Linda on October 11, 2013 at 3:18 am

    I am not open nor would I be capable of doing what this post is saying.



  8.  #8Linda on October 11, 2013 at 5:14 am

    Honesty is the best policy… for me it clears a path for harmony and peace within me.



  9.  #9Lisa on October 11, 2013 at 5:28 am

    @Liquid Light I agree it can be serious to have multi partners and it can be serious to have one partner and not know, if they are being exclusive.

    I don’t think anyone is promoting anything. It’s a choice. However, there is a way to do it safely. I don’t do it, b/c I have a fear of STD’s.

    OXOX



  10.  #10Lisa on October 11, 2013 at 5:35 am

    @Veronica {{{ hugs }}} <3



  11.  #11Femininewoman on October 11, 2013 at 7:00 am

    RE 7 Linda – yupp. I respect everyone’s personal choice.



  12.  #12Lisa on October 11, 2013 at 7:13 am

    I just added myself to the speed dating event next week. This is totally out of my comfort zone and it kind of feels like leaning forward, but not too much… I’m just going to look at it like I’m going to meet new people…

    I’m starting a new meet up group…. that is way way out of my comfort zone…

    but I’m tired of the same old online dating stuff… no new men… same old games…

    Lets see what happens when I’m being determined to get myself out there…

    OXOX



  13.  #13Femininewoman on October 11, 2013 at 7:36 am

    Anyone remembers the name of that song about BEAUTIFUL that Rori used as an article recently? I believe it is a British girl and guy and the guy was asking her to share her beautiful with him?



  14.  #14Lemonbutter on October 11, 2013 at 7:49 am

    I feel a bit triggered by this….I agree with post #2 instinctually, though I wouldn’t criticise or judge anyone else. I just know that sleeping with more than one man at a time just wouldn’t be something I’d do.

    If the tables were turned, and I was dating a guy who was sleeping with different women, I’d be completely turned off him.



  15.  #15sophie on October 11, 2013 at 8:18 am

    Fw I think its see beneath my.beautiful emile sandes and someone…



  16.  #16sophie on October 11, 2013 at 8:31 am

    That sounds lots of fun Lisa 🙂 Happy experimenting 🙂 my heart goes out to u Linda x so much of what u write reminds me of my ex and how I felt x it was so intense x and the intensity of the emotional tie was passionate x I feel so so so grateful that I moved on from him it was like being on a very fast rollercoaster and life is much more peaceful now x I like peaceful x but separating myself from him was as intense as him being in my life x I really whiteknuckled for a while x I am Happy I did I couldn’t live with that level of unpredictability x lots of learning for me with cdb x with him moving and the legal case there’s been lots of practice at switching between masculine and feminine energy x it feels okay though I feel okay moving between the two x I feel happier in feminine energy x being in boy mode tires my head and I love letting go of control and just being with my feelings x



  17.  #17Lisa on October 11, 2013 at 8:52 am

    @Sophie good to see you …. thanks! <3

    I'm so peaceful today, and I noticed when I read your post, that I too had rather have peace, than the intensity of the drama some men bring in…

    so, if I were to be honest with myself, is it true I WANT a man? NO it isn't true entirely… b/c I could of had several since the breakup… and I chose not to… interesting isn't it… b/c I'd rather have peace and love of myself than a man bringing drama and chaos into my life…

    Frankly every time I do the work, I keep getting that I'm scared for "the one" to show up… so, apparently, I'm not ready for him… but it would be nice to be able to face my fear and have him show up anyways… I noticed that it has for others anyway…

    I still feel the bliss from last night's work… and life seems so juicy today, I love it… this is why I'm so in love with learning about me… nothing better than the feeling… of falling more in love with yourself and life… no man can give me that… ( doesn't mean I don't really want what a man can give me) just means that loving myself has been a top priority…

    OXOXO



  18.  #18Lisa on October 11, 2013 at 9:05 am

    OMG!!! I just read a post on one of the coaches sites… and tears are coming again!!!

    When I look at men that I’m interested in , do I really see them? I feel like vomiting… funny how I just felt so peaceful and here it comes again…

    I attract men that are self absorbed… and only wanting to talk about themselves…

    Ok, I’m only wanting the “one”. I’m being self absorbed… I’m not really really interested in seeing them… I’m just interested to know if they are going to be interested in me… OMG!!!

    not that I’m not interested in them, I am… but!!! I don’t show it, and I hide it, I don’t let them know… b/c I’m waiting on them to show interest in me… first… OMG!! WOW…

    I’m being / acting self absorbed.. by wanting something from them, commitment, to be the one, close the deal… whatever I have in my head that I want from them… It’s never about just getting to know someone as a person…

    I need to cry…. this is huge!! for me…

    OXOXO



  19.  #19Lisa on October 11, 2013 at 9:18 am

    I have the really deep seeded life long tape running inside me that says… ” I need to get things done”… I would assume that is boy energy?

    Hummm I might want to change that to “I need to let things be!” which would be more girl energy…

    I’m curious… about this… as a mother and head of household…

    OXOXO



  20.  #20Indigo on October 11, 2013 at 9:54 am

    D contacted me today. To say hello, how are you. It felt nice.



  21.  #21Femininewoman on October 11, 2013 at 9:55 am

    Thanbks Sophie. That’s it.



  22.  #22Lisa on October 11, 2013 at 10:05 am

    @ Indigo that is so wonderful! I’m happy he did.. and I feel a little jealous that “M” hasn’t done the same… that feels yukie that he hasn’t…

    OXOX



  23.  #23Linda on October 11, 2013 at 10:14 am

    TY Sophie.. I do want peace. I like rollercoasters and amusement parks but they dont belong in a love relationship.



  24.  #24Indigo on October 11, 2013 at 10:14 am

    I have realized something recently, and it feels so good and beautiful, and I think perhaps I have always known it, but it has just come to the fore.

    I realized that I won’t give my heart to just anyone. I can love and admire many people, I can have many friends, I can enjoy many people’s company, but giving my heart is reserved for someone very special indeed. I could not simply give my heart to a good man who was offering me the commitment I needed, even if he was intelligent, good looking, stable and all of that. Not just anyone. Never in a million years.

    He would have to be someone my heart recognizes, someone who allows me the deep down contentment of being myself. He can have faults, but it would have to be someone to whom and about whom my heart sings, someone who allows my life to reach the fullness of contentment, peace and quiet joy that I know I can experience in my own unique way.

    I expect to do healing before I meet this man, but I know I will, and I’m so excited. I can’t wait.



  25.  #25Indigo on October 11, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Thanks Lisa. It felt good and peaceful.

    Just remember, like I was saying to sequoia the other day, just because he hasn’t got in touch, doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. Sometimes they care enough to give you your space, sometimes they care enough to leave you alone, because it is for the best.



  26.  #26Liquid Light on October 11, 2013 at 10:56 am

    I’m not judging anyone for sleeping with multiple people, in fact, I’ve done this in the past. Its not something I would choose to do again at this time in my life though. My issue is with promoting behavior that could be risky and not also promoting doing it in a safe manner. I know from my (recent) past that I always have the safe sex talk beforehand and make sure we are both safe and clean (for lack of a better word). Having multiple conversations like these with multiple men just seems unrealistic and like it would be a lot of work!



  27.  #27Liquid Light on October 11, 2013 at 10:59 am

    @Lisa 12 That sounds like fun! Try to look at is an adventure! I’m so curious about it, let us know how it goes! What a great opportunity to meet a ton of men! 🙂



  28.  #28Zara on October 11, 2013 at 10:59 am

    LL 2

    The way I read it, this is not promoting anything.
    This is helping D to take things back to herself. What does she want? And what might be the motives for what she wants? Does it come from fear or from love for herself?

    And for D to find what serves her best, Rori helps her see what actually really exists out there and probably inside D. Wether we like some behaviours or not, that’s what humans do and ignoring the reality is dangerous. It is like walking blind folded on a mine field.

    I read this as clearing the meaning behind polyamory and casual and exclusive and committed and short term and long term and one-night-stand.
    This is educating D about what type of circumstances people do find themselves in. This is not saying she “should” chose one or the other or any. It is just opening the window to real life for D to have a clearer glimpse, before she goes out through the door. It is giving her vocabulary to put on situations she may find herself in, it will help to her awareness.

    D is being reminded to recognise the path she is walking on and so she will have the power to chose to stop and hop in a new path or to slow down or to go on, knowing what she is getting into.
    Awareness is key so she can chose her next step at each single step.

    I read this as helping D to take things back to herself. Yes, several types of connections exist on this planet, so what does SHE want for herself? And where does it come from?
    It feels pointless to worry now about how to keep a unique good man leading to a sexually exclusive monogamous marriage when she is wanting to explore her sexual power with several men and not with him.
    This does not tell her it is good or bad to explore her sexuality with many men. I don’t read this article as meant to be moralist or promoting a behaviour, but as meant to help D see where she is at.

    Where she is at, her vibe is most likely to attract men who will want casual with her. Just so she knows. She might not meet a ready-for-marriage man because she is not a ready-for-marriage woman. There is no mistake in this universe.

    Nevertheless, life being full of surprises, she might meet, along her path, a guy who simply falls for her vibe and they both might feel inspired to become a couple. If such thing would happen, she would not have an inner debate about it. It would just happen.

    The point I see in this article is that being in alignment with myself not only feels good to me, but attracts the right man for me.
    So where am I at?
    Am I making choices in alignment with myself?
    Or am I abandoning myself for fear of judgments, and fear of losing a man?
    Or am I making choices out of fear of love? Like having sex with unavailable or unsuitable men, so I can keep avoiding love?

    xxx



  29.  #29Liquid Light on October 11, 2013 at 11:21 am

    OMG, I just signed up for a speed dating event and its on Tuesday!. One came up and they fill up really fast so I made a split second decision to do it. OMG! I’m feeling a bit embarrassed but also nervous and excited! YIKES!!!



  30.  #30Lemonbutter on October 11, 2013 at 11:31 am

    Liquid Light #29 my stomach felt like it did a little somersault when I read your post.

    I hope you have a great time! I’d be very nervous doing something like that, but I can imagine it’s pretty fun to do.



  31.  #31Liquid Light on October 11, 2013 at 11:34 am

    Thanks Lemonbutter! Yeah, I hope it will be fun and it would be awesome if I met someone attractive and interesting! IN any case, it will be an adventure either way!



  32.  #32sophie on October 11, 2013 at 11:35 am

    Thanks Lisa 🙂 I like revelation about getting to know a man x that has been a new thing really for me with cdb and mostly I have learnt it here x I am always reminding myself to just let him be him when I want to start directing or being annoyed about things that are my annoyances and then appreciating him for his way of doing things x it feels much nicer than how I’ve been before x he is a good example as pretty much he just let’s me be me x he makes very few demands on me x his biggest demand is that I feel okay if that’s by sleeping more or going out or whatever then that’s Cool with him and is perfect for me so I try and do the same back to him…very very early days but practicing new ways to be …



  33.  #33sophie on October 11, 2013 at 11:36 am

    yes indigo 🙂



  34.  #34Tereana on October 11, 2013 at 11:36 am

    Didn’t know there was a new thread! I posted on the old thread…

    And today I feel sad. But I know I have no reason to be sad. I haven’t lost something if I never had it to begin with.

    But that’s not true. I have lost something. I’ve lost the attraction of someone that I was finding to be honest and trustworthy, and who I was just getting to know. Turns out he is 13 years older than me. I had no idea.

    I wish it wasn’t an issue, but sometimes age is.

    I want to much to write something to him, but I know in my heart that’s a bad idea. I have to keep reminding myself. Even if I never hear from him, it’s a bad idea.

    It’s just me, wanting to push my ideas forward, and control the situation through knowledge. I can’t control everything. Most of all, I can’t control him. He’s a man.

    And meanwhile another man is interested in me now. I’m not as interested in him, but maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this is one door closing, another one opening. I should not look a gift opportunity in the mouth.

    Besides, I did not feel greatly attracted to this other man to begin with. I was mainly curious and found lots of parallels between us. Maybe we will be better friends. It was nice of him to call and make a date with me.

    It just bothers me how it is so easy to dismiss someone over the tiniest detail. I’m sure that I’ve done it myself. I just hate it, because even though having choice is a great thing, having too much choice means you might think you are always missing out on something better. And it makes it harder to choose what’s right in front of you.

    That’s why I think I’m so sad.

    But I can’t control that either….



  35.  #35Turquoise on October 11, 2013 at 11:38 am

    Hi Sirens,

    I’ve done this a few times… and even with being safe, waiting for my period and the stress of what could possibly happen pregnancy wise, not knowing who the father would be, was way too much for me.

    My thing always comes back to, if I wouldn’t want them to do it, I shouldn’t be doing it…. and I wouldn’t want any men I’m dating to be sleeping with other women. As someone here pointed out, they could be and you not know it…. but still…. I like the sexual exclusivity. BUT, I’m almost 40, have been divorced for 5 years, and still single… so I’m definitely open to new ideas.

    Tereana, from the last article, thanks for replying, and the reminder that good men can have toxic behavior. What I’m struggling with, is that even though I know he’s a good man, I can’t excuse or overlook the negatives. Normally, he’s not like this with me, but I’ve heard him say some awful things about other women. He has an absolutely horrible mother, who abused him and subjected him to a lot as a young child. I know that is where a lot of this comes from…. and while I want to be open and supportive, because I do care about him… I also don’t want to accept bad behavior. We aren’t a couple, he’s a friend that sometimes is a FWB, but I’d miss not having him in my life. Our kids are friends, we live really close, I will see him.

    Another hard part about this, is thinking about what I could say, or how I can say, what I’m feeling, without making him wrong. I know he wants to be accepted exactly as he is. It’s almost like he’s made it this requirement, and he tests people. How crappy can I be, and you still stay with me (he has admitted to having serious abandonment issues)… or if someone doesn’t put up with or overlook his moods, then he says F them. It’s all or nothing…

    SO, is this a case where I accept at face value, what he says and how he acts, and walk away, even though there is a huge wonderful side to him too…

    OR, do I try to find a way to communicate with him that friendships go both ways, and show him that not all women are liars, cheaters and users. And that some people really do care about other people, but even they can get tired of the negative crap coming out of his mouth.

    I really do want your opinions on this one… we are still talking, and it’s not bad right now… just surfacy, not our usual.



  36.  #36Femininewoman on October 11, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Turq only you can decide if the relationship is important to you and what you are getting out of it. Maybe telling him “because this relationship is important to me” when he goes into his tirades, as part of telling him how you feel might make a difference. I dunno giving him a free pass just because he has abandonment issues is how your comment is kinda coming across for me.



  37.  #37Lemonbutter on October 11, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    Liquid Light #31 I’d love to know how it goes for you.



  38.  #38Liquid Light on October 11, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Thanks, Lemonbutter, I will let you know. Now I’m trying to figure out what to wear…I’m getting kinda excited!



  39.  #39Indigo on October 11, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Turquoise,

    For what it’s worth, if I could do things differently, I would acquire for myself the ability to step back when a man who says horrible things, or behaves badly is having a spell, if I still wanted him in my life because of his wonderful side.

    I believe the ability to pull yourself back and take yourself out of the equation, while communicating your feelings, sends a clear message to the guy about how you wish him to talk and behave when you are around. You can’t control how he treats other women or people, but I do believe to pull back and partially disinvest yourself in the moment is a valuable skill to have. It’s one I’d like for myself.



  40.  #40Lemonbutter on October 11, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    Liquid Light I actually had a big smile when I read you’re getting excited.

    You’re going to have a great time. Whatever you wear, no doubt you’ll look marvellous 😀



  41.  #41Daria on October 11, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    Hmm I feel judged abt my sexuality reading some comments.

    I don’t feel afraid of getting STD’s any more than I feel afraid of getting the flu.

    When men are afraid of STD’s it’s a turn off for me.

    I’m cool with avoiding STD’s but the Fear of it I guess I feel judgmental about.

    I know the judgement of the fear came to me as a cultural thing, I remember talking and hearing judgements of people of some cultures as ‘obsessive and neurotic’ for STD fears.

    If a man can work through it himself and his fear I’ve been open to connecting with him, and yet I wouldn’t feel safe with that consciousness in a marriage partner.

    If his fear becomes such that it affects me in ways that feel bad, like I feel judged or it restricts him from eagerly engaging in sexual things that feel good, I feel sad in those situations.

    I’m thinking of someone in particular.

    I just feel better, and better about the world, with men who go all into it when it comes to sex in a full soul trusting way.

    I feel smily at the brave fearless men who pedestal sex so much in that way! It makes sex feel magical that way. I guess it’s always felt magical to me in that way 🙂 YAYYY i feel like i’m having a heart-gasm

    I’m feeling more and more in my power about my fertility, so that soon I’ll feel comfortable to have sex without a concern about not having power of choice in my fertility.

    Mmm and I feel so pleased about that.

    If a man has another regular partner I know about, then I won’t want to be an ‘open’ partner with him. I know how possessive women’s bodies and fluids can be lol

    Life is so cool

    I feel so frustrated that I feel slammed around so much when I hear judgements that would apply to me.

    I want to feel that being awesome me is accepted and safe and celebrated and admired!

    I want to feel safe that I won’t suddenly feel sad in my heart again!

    Ugh]

    the disappointment after the shock of not feeling loved



  42.  #42Daria on October 11, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    Rori – hi I’m reading the post of our exchange and im feeling a little upset about it…

    to be honest I feel like it comes off like I’m not looking for marriage, or ready for it, and I guess I feel uncomfortable being seen like that by you and the other women here

    I don’t want a white picket fence. I want a natural house in Brazil, with a man that worships me, and many children… I’m really ‘on task’ with my masculine energy for this to the point of looking up blueprints for housebuilding, planning trips, and learning and training myself for parenthood and the lifestyle and consciousness I want

    I spent the last Several years having very little sex, (like a once per year thing) and very little fulfilling sex at that. It seemed like I could not attract fulfilling sex!

    I’m feeling glad I’m finally attracting fulfilling sex for me, and it’s really only been 2 men this year I’ve connected with even now!… I’m feeling Excited about learning more about my sexual body and it’s functions… for me sexuality is huge part of marriage… and I’m excited that I have now started to attract men who seem to be focused on me and can help me facilitate this learning

    I don’t see how this is not focused on marriage. To me it seems much more uber-focused on marriage than many if not most women (who’s plans are often much more vague…)

    It feels upsetting to be seen this way, as not ready. What’s going on ?



  43.  #43Liquid Light on October 11, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    Awhh, thanks Lemonbutter 40! That made me feel really good! 🙂



  44.  #44Daria on October 11, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    yay im feeling good

    yay im feeling good

    im feeling lilli li lil li lii yummie ang good

    my practice of not taking people’s judgemetns and internalizing them and using them to validate my self worth is

    WORKING!

    babystep!

    HGH 5

    i feel good

    im gonna check my POF accoutn



  45.  #45Emerson on October 11, 2013 at 5:31 pm

    43 yay daria!!! ❤
    I am feeling good because I am taking care of myself and I am being kind to myself.

    I don’t know what’s going on with my CDs and its not affection me that much at all. I want to meet more CDs, I know I keep saying that…

    I desire some more male energy around me…
    It would feel good to feel more empowered…



  46.  #46Emerson on October 11, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    By empowered I mean more financially stable and independent….
    I am ready for a change…
    I am taking steps…



  47.  #47Daria on October 11, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    i feel so at war with certain people

    i imagine i can feel their hate and their ready to say something snide/ attacky and dismissive

    i feel so angry feeling this way

    when i feel this way , I feel the urge to be violent with people

    that feeling feels more powerful than feeling vulnerable to people’s snideness

    i want to punch those fake rude snide women in their smiles and shhow them whats really up

    i feel so angry

    i feel so attacky

    i feel so uncomfortable

    i feel so unsafe

    i feel like yelling

    i feel ‘stress’ i feel like i cant take it

    i feel so … wahtever this feeling is1!

    is it anger

    or fear

    its anxiety

    i feel so anxious!

    i lov my anxiety



  48.  #48Daria on October 11, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    i still feel anxious

    i still feel judged

    i can Hear these thoughts of people and i know im not trippin

    i can really hear thoughts

    thats why im so intuitive, and able to take care of myself around new people so well

    hmmh

    i dont know how to handle this

    i fel tremblu all vibrating like a slim tree



  49.  #49Daria on October 11, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    i feel punched in my stomach when i judge myself

    for having a ‘strong’ voice

    i think im cruel and loud and controlling to people

    and that feels like punching daria in the stomach

    i dont want to care if they think that

    i dont want to punch DARIA in the stomach anymore

    HA! I feel defiant

    bitc*hes!!!

    too bad im not punching myself in the stomach just cuz you feel uncomfortable with my words and choose to make attacky comments at me sideways and i feel stuck and shocked and defensive,

    and i feel anxious

    now im gonna be about me

    and you dont like it, im not gonna start worrying baout YOU and your feelings

    cuz im about Daria here

    omg
    omg

    this feels exciteing!!!

    bitc8hes always pulll that ‘they’re hurt by my aggresivity’ move and then try to fake side snide

    and ive been falling for it the whole time

    since I met bitch*es like that

    and it was only in places where figthign wasnt possible safely

    thats why i had my most powerful mechanism shut down

    bec bitche*se wont try that fake snide shit if they know ima beat their ass

    because bi8ch you attacking me, and just cuz its fake and sideways, dont think im not smart enough to see that thats an attack what?

    im smart ANd brave Bi8tch!

    wow

    i feel really worked up

    im hearing thoughts hehe

    back the f8ck up

    im on Daria’s side

    i dont have to do shit for yall bit9ches feelings lol

    until my lil Daria is taken care of

    i know yall aint lookin like you caring about her or offering her comappsion right now

    and I AM gonna do that

    for her

    always

    and yall could hate abd give the evil eye cuz yes she is the princess and gets privileged prioritized treatment

    ha!

    ooh i feel angry

    i still feel unsafe

    with that mindset and picture

    i want somtehing a lil more safe

    what if i see lil Daria, feeling sad

    what can I imagine these women actually giving her comapssion?

    that would feel more safe



  50.  #50Daria on October 11, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    ok i got triggered again, here it is the pattern! yay

    ok now i can imagine lil daria there

    and then imagine these thoughts from the women and imagine the women seeing Lil Daria

    aww they think shes sweet

    🙂

    ok they are not able to punish her or attack her,

    she is kept safe by ME

    they can give her sweet loving energy though

    🙂 yyay

    so their anger is not able to be spewed on her



  51.  #51Daria on October 11, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    in fact she’s connecting with their lil girl too

    and suddenly theyre paying attention to her



  52.  #52Daria on October 11, 2013 at 7:17 pm

    thats so cool! now i can *check* people on their subtle disrespect without getting soo otriggered. and i caould even us my energy to translate it into a feeling message

    for example

    i dont appreciate the comment I was mentioned in wher it was implied “im not letting it go.” Please use more respect speaking about me.



  53.  #53Daria on October 11, 2013 at 7:18 pm

    I ciould say

    I dont appreciate that comment made about me. I see you found it amusing to be rude to me. Please use more respect.



  54.  #54Daria on October 11, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    I feel angry at the comment made about me. I dont want to be spoken about that way.

    YAAH!!! score!!!



  55.  #55Daria on October 11, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    How is lil daria feel? well now that i stopped myself from checking if i was agressiv and kicking myself in the stomach,

    shes actually letting that vague feekling numb wall donw

    imagingn the woman seeing lil Daria

    surprise! curiousity

    its safe for lil Daria

    she feels awesome and involved in her own stuff



  56.  #56Delila on October 11, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    I am new to this blog and am finding the universal stories very supportive. So, thanks to all the women here who share their lives, stories, opinions and insecurities. We all have them!! Many years ago I went to a group counselor and was very upset when he suggested that several of the single women should date “anything or anyone”. It was in the context that the comment was made, without supporting info. I now relate his comment to CDing. He just didn’t communicate those instructions clearly, thus it was offensive to me. And I viewed it as an irresponsible statement. A young, inexperienced woman could fall victim to someone unsavory, simply because she does not have the level of maturity or experience. Perhaps the brevity of the initial statement about multiple sexual partners without the benefit of a statement of consequences is what created some feelings of uncertainty. ??



  57.  #57LoveAlways on October 11, 2013 at 8:16 pm

    I don’t tell cds about other cds. I don’t talk about my sex life. If we discuss sexual exclusivity, then I only sleep with that one. Not as complicated as I first thought. Right now I don’t desire any of my cds and that’s just fine with me. Its not their business what I do or don’t do. This feels safe to me



  58.  #58Linda on October 11, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    I came home from work today and took a long nap. It felt so good and needed. One of the things that seemed to disappear from my life was downtime or lingering “me” time when I was seeing FavoriteCD.

    I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he just stormed out of my life Tuesday and I have not heard from him since. I have not spent much time wondering what he is thinking or doing which is a great report on the growth that has happend in me. My world has not come to a screeching halt as it did after things were over with other men. I can even eat and have an appetite!

    It is a challenge to switch gears in my head. Even though I was careful to not ever put expectations on him… he spoke of the future with me often and it did plant seeds that grew in my soil of my heart. I feel melancholy about the garden that he planted in my heart. I was so hopeful that he would fully adjust the things that I we discussed when we reconciled…he did and tweak so many things well.

    I told him I felt we needed another set of ears to help us resolve the issues that we could not see eye to eye on and he even agreed to that but it was never done . I thought he would realize it and be rational, exercise patience but that sure did not happen. I feel sad about that and sold short.

    Whatever internally drives his behavior and offense at not being included by my entire family yet is really deeply rooted. He does have a lot of experience with people excluding him… especially from two of his older kids. It was like word struck a match near a keg of dynamite and it blew up immediately in my face.

    So I have come to the conclusion that our relationship is like so many others in his life…fallen victim to his expectation and ego. They truely have killed my relationship with him.



  59.  #59Emerson on October 11, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    I have a cd that I met in person but now he just seems like he wants to flirt over text…
    It’s fun but I’m feeling a bit bored with texting and would rather flirt in person and I’d like to express this without sounding pushy…
    Any scripts or advice ladies??



  60.  #60Emerson on October 11, 2013 at 8:30 pm

    56 wow Linda…sorry to hear it anout favoriteCD but yay that you are feeling good!!

    Lately I have less of a sense of urgency when it comes to establishing a relationship and I’m more focused on my own projects. RecycledCD is a sexier it blanket if sorts, I like having him around to serve my sexual needs, he will never say no, but I have no expectations from him so it’s ok.



  61.  #61Emerson on October 11, 2013 at 8:30 pm

    Lol autocorrect…
    *security blanket not sexier
    Haha



  62.  #62Linda on October 11, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    It was recommended by someone I high respect here on the blog to not reach out to him or initiate contact. It is not hard for me to lean back but I feel he will see it as disinterest most likely because he faulted me for not calling him and complained that he was the one that always had to initiate before… it was 2013 after all he exclaimed!.

    Sorry to keep going on about this.. I dont have anyone to talk to about any of this. This is my only place where I feel is safe and talking to family about it only creates wedges should anything ever change and we were ever together someday.

    It is not ha



  63.  #63Lisa on October 11, 2013 at 8:37 pm

    @Daria I read the post this morning and I’m the one that doesn’t do it b/c of fear of STD’s. I don’t recommend anyone have fear of STD’s it hasn’t been a very positive thing for me, but that is where I am, and i’ve come a long long way.. I think it comes from being raped… and I’m working on it, I’m much better than I was…

    I’m so, so glad to hear your are not afraid of STD’s.. bravo for you! That is a peaceful place to be …. I envy you…

    and as far as having sex with different men that you are romantically and considering for marriage.. I’d do it! I would! If I had two men in my life or three that I was dating seriously, and regularly, I’d have sex with them – after the talk. So, when I posted I was trying to be supportive of you. I’d Experiment, find out which one you connect with sexually the best. I’d have to, or I wouldn’t be able to make a decision. For me only I’d have to practice safe sex and all – just to keep my fear in control….. but by no means was I judging you at ALL…. I hope you didn’t perceive it that way.

    I’m a very sexual woman, and I don’t apologize for that… and having sex with a man I’m considering marring would mean that I have a certain amount of intimacy with him, to feel comfortable enough to want to have sex with him. So, why not!.. I might decide after a few times that he isn’t for me, or I might find that I connect better with the other man..

    For sure, I need to have sex with a man before I can decide to continue on in a more serious manner, like marriage. But that is just me. So, I totally get what your wanting…

    I haven’t done it but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t…

    Sorry I haven’t kept up with the posts today… but I’m sending you a big {{{hug}}} and No judgements from me…

    OXOXO



  64.  #64Emerson on October 11, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    Ah Linda…I feel that way with men sometimes too if I don’t lean forward sometimes then nothing will happen…
    Or they think I am not interested…
    I may lean forward now and then but it’s followed by leaning way back…



  65.  #65Indigo on October 11, 2013 at 11:20 pm

    (((Linda)))

    Write as much as you want. I think we all feel that this is a safe place we can come to to talk about things we aren’t always able to with the people in our lives, I know I certainly do.

    For what it’s worth, if I were you, I wouldn’t lean forward and contact him, for the reason that he may probably be processing his emotions, which can take a while, and that if you contact him you may not get a good response. This has sometimes been my experience, and that if you wait and let things heal and develop in their own time, the result may be better. Just a thought. Sometimes if I feel strongly about contacting someone but I’m not sure, I give myself a time frame and decide to re-look at it after a certain number of days or weeks.

    x



  66.  #66Vi on October 11, 2013 at 11:41 pm

    I feel giggly to notice that this month during pms period my body wants herbal teas and fish and vegetables and soups instead of coffee and sweets.. hehe.. so cute))



  67.  #67Butterfly Wings on October 12, 2013 at 12:20 am

    Several years ago I would have not felt good about having several sexual partners…

    How times have changed…! 😉

    And yes, I practise safe sex!



  68.  #68Lemonbutter on October 12, 2013 at 12:51 am

    For some reason feeling like my first post is being attacked in some way, feeling somewhat anxious about that, as if I have to defend myself.

    I can feel defensive at times, and sometimes it’s not justified, sometimes it doesn’t need justifying.

    I love sex, I am incredibly sexual. I’m picky about who I share my sexiness and beautiful curves with.

    I don’t feel anything wrong with being choosy in that way.

    🙂



  69.  #69Lemonbutter on October 12, 2013 at 12:57 am

    I feel like I am protective of myself, and protective of others, and I love that about myself.

    I love feeling sexual and flirting, teasing even, I feel a spark of amusement and fun doing that. But sex…..the guy that really shines get to experience my ambrosia, all the others can just dream about it.

    I want to flirt more, and I am eager to find the man that shines above the rest, while I test the waters and flirt with the others.

    I feel everyone has every right to be who they are, and do what feels good to them, as long as no one gets hurt in the process.



  70.  #70Lemonbutter on October 12, 2013 at 1:04 am

    I love you ladies, be safe always x



  71.  #71Butterfly Wings on October 12, 2013 at 1:32 am

    I see having sex as receiving from a man – not giving to him. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t experience loads of pleasure from it. 😉

    Plus I am choosy too, mostly because I want to enjoy the experience with somebody I have a connection with. If there’s no connection, sex can be meh.

    🙂 xxx



  72.  #72Lemonbutter on October 12, 2013 at 1:47 am

    That’s an interesting way of looking at it Butterfly Wings #69. I usually see it as giving something, but it is also about receiving too.

    I feel that I need to receive love and care with it too so that I feel protected and safe, and not every man we come across is going to care about us.

    If I knew most men who wanted sex with me also deeply cared about me, I’d have sex with them (maybe) but I know most of them it’s pure lust.

    I feel unable to separate my innermost emotions from sex. though it would be useful if I could.



  73.  #73Butterfly Wings on October 12, 2013 at 2:07 am

    @LemonButter – I was the same, and it took until I came across Rori (over 3 years ago now) before I could change how I thought about it.

    I view sex as a way to feel pleasure and connection with a man, but I will only go there with someone who treats me well and who I feel really good with.

    My fave man is not a long term prospect, but he treats me better than any man ever has in my entire life. He cares very deeply for me, and I feel AMAZING when I am with him. But because he’s not long term, I won’t allow him to be my one and only – I have to remain open to other men. When things “end” for us, we will remain good friends for life – we both know it!

    I can’t say I’ve ever had a “relationship” like the one I have with him, but it’s been an incredibly positive experience for me! 🙂



  74.  #74Lemonbutter on October 12, 2013 at 2:25 am

    Butterfly Wings #71, I don’t know why but I feel sad reading your post. You’ve met someone who you feel good with and treats you well, and feel amazing with, but he’s not long term. I know I am projecting…but I’d feel sad in his place…but also I find myself confused as to why, based on all those things, he’s not long term material for you.

    I’d love to meet someone I felt those things with. Well…I did but it didn’t work out lol. Still licking my wounds a bit.

    What you have does sound very positive, I want that for myself, but exclusively with someone who is for keeps.



  75.  #75Sirenity on October 12, 2013 at 5:41 am

    Turquoise..I am wondering why you feel the need to show him anything, or “teach” him something about women? How exactly are you trying to set yourself apart as “different” to what he appears to conclude about women. What part of you wants to do those things?

    A rude and raw and belligerent man with a difficult childhood and lots of “work” to do on himself could be quite the ongoing challenge..in fact what part of you wants that challenge and feels the need to “prove” women can be good?

    I am wondering how much of your energy goes into this “healing”process with this man? What would it mean to you if he was healed by your love?



  76.  #76Lisa on October 12, 2013 at 5:46 am

    @Butterflywings I feel the same way… <3

    for me, sex is receiving from a man and we are at our most vulnerable state…and for me, it has to be a man that is worthy of it…… and at times during sex I give, but mostly it is receiving… IMO

    @Lemonbutter {{{ hugs }}} not sure who attacked I can't keep up with the posts but sending you hugs.. <3

    OXOXO



  77.  #77Sirenity on October 12, 2013 at 5:47 am

    I am CDing with quite the opposite problem..I would gladly feel excited and sexually abandoned with multiple men…! Instead i feel sexually uninterested in the sailors washing up on my shore, the physically short and round, the anxious and jittery, the exacting and over invested..sigh..so many ways to feel turned off.

    I walked past a big tall young man on a beach today and i could FEEL the heat coming off him..send me some heat Universe.. 🙂



  78.  #78Daria on October 12, 2013 at 6:17 am

    Sirenity – heat heat heat!

    That’s the same problem I was having for so long. I noticed for me sexual energy begets more sexual energy, and I just couldn’t seem to bring it in when it had been gone for so long.

    I actually did this time by connecting with an old lover, even though it wasn’t ‘ideal’ emotionally it was better than the desperate attempts I made before with new men who invariably turned out to be not the energy I wanted to attract (ie not interested in focusing on me)

    Because of this past connection, this man did focus on me some, and I figured it would open up my energy some, to do something physical… and it seems to have worked!

    just happened recently so I’m hoping my vibe will keep on carrying me on!

    When I wasn’t attracting the sexual energy I wanted it had gotten to the point that I wasn’t even receiving fulfilling massages from men anymore, let alone sexual stuff, when years before i clearly remember being so well massaged by all my dates that it was like living at a spa…(no sex then either tho)… and then I started being concerned that maybe that was Too much massaging/touching and stopped allowing it, leading to the touch starved state I found myself in for the next couple years…

    I guess it was all about still saying No to what doesn’t feel good while in the ‘deprived’ state, while actively opening up myself to potential activities that DID feel good, (even tho not ‘ideal’) to get my energy flowing and attracting again

    I’ve been not dating for 2 months while I’m traveling… I’m hoping my vibe will still be on when I start again. It felt great to finally start meeting so many attractive men that I could feel excited to open up to!



  79.  #79Daria on October 12, 2013 at 6:24 am

    Thanks Lisa ((((Lisa))))

    yeah it feels trigger sometimes when I say something like I feel open to sex with men,

    people make comments like “im picky about sexual partners, I couldn’t do it with every man” it seems like it implies that

    if you’re open to sex you’re not picky about sexual partners, or having sex with every man even when you don’t feel good about it…

    it Could be that but it doesnt have to be

    one doesn’t have to think of themselves as closed to sex in order to be picky,

    and open to sex does not mean not picky

    i guess these are just those judgments about women’s sexuality that are floating on the conscious and being carried by us for many generations now



  80.  #80Daria on October 12, 2013 at 6:26 am

    Emerson – maybe just don’t answer the texts?



  81.  #81Sirenity on October 12, 2013 at 6:27 am

    Thanks Daria..I did this too .. connected with an ex to open the flood gates.Well it felt great at the time and everything was very “functional” but ..

    Truly the magic button has not turned on for me . I am glad it helped for you. I need some more suggestions..currently trying lots of sensual self care..perfumed bath waiting 🙂 Nite.



  82.  #82Daria on October 12, 2013 at 6:28 am

    If a guy doesn’t ask me out right away, I don’t have time to answer his messages.

    I’m for the in person connection stuff

    then if he notices you’re not answering and asks about … you can say

    “oh yah im more of an in person kinda person”

    “well actually you seem sweet… and im just online to meet people in person”



  83.  #83Daria on October 12, 2013 at 6:30 am

    (((((((((((Sirenity)))))))))

    I can relate. pfff. I think this particular ex that showed up for me ‘worked’ for me, but others wouldn’t have…

    oh maybe a massage by a male might help!

    Also maybe some close dancing…liek in a class



  84.  #84Lisa on October 12, 2013 at 6:58 am

    @Daria

    Yes, I know I get that all the time from men and women the old beliefs still hanging around for eons… the fact that a woman can’t be sensuous and sexy, like sex, and not be sleeping with any man that wants her… It’s just crazy and just keeps the old belief patterns going on for more decades when people don’t question their beliefs about women and sex….. I’m like you a man has to be deserving of me, before I give him my sensuousness… I’m picky and I’m careful…

    In all actuality being monogamous is a learned behavior, and so many people think it is our natural state, that it is innate… and it isn’t. But that is another topic that has also been discussed before.

    I don’t let those remarks get to me, b/c I understand that it isn’t about me, it’s projection. someone’s choice of sexual preference and someone’s choice of sexual lifestyle is private and personal and should be treated as if such, not that it should be a “social norm”… just my 2 cents… it’s not open for discussion for me personally… it’s my choice.

    I actually feel very passionate about this subject… thanks for bringing it up.

    Have you read “Sex at Dawn” you might enjoy it.
    OXOXO



  85.  #85Daria on October 12, 2013 at 8:15 am

    Thanks Lisa



  86.  #86Femininewoman on October 12, 2013 at 9:11 am

    Linda my suspicion is that he needs to feel that you are on his side. it might be a deep need for him because of his abandonment issues. In the same vein you have to separate your issues from his and reaching out to him would not necessarily help him resolve his issues or manage his anger. He has to deal with those himself and look at himself in the mirror. It is a kid who packs up his toys and leave the playground when others aren’t playing the game like they want it to be played. He is a grown man and if you coddle him when he behaves badly you would be teaching him the wrong lesson. You absolutely can’t reinforce bad behavior. He was the one who decided to leave and will need to find his way back if he wants to. If he does contact you I’d say let him know you are there when he wants to talk but I would definitely not encourage you to jump back in with him immediately. He obviously has anger issues that doesn’t seem to take a dynamite to set off.



  87.  #87Emerson on October 12, 2013 at 9:16 am

    Sirens I have so many ideas tear I want to make happen and I know I will,,, but I feel impatient…



  88.  #88Femininewoman on October 12, 2013 at 9:17 am

    Emerson that kinda felt controlling. If he wants to flirt via text you could frame your perspective to see that he is thinking about you or is available via phone. I would flirt right back and make reference to his beautiful man voice that I love to hear because it makes me feel turned on. At least that what happens with me with a masculine voice. A text can be used to control a person’s mind/brain. The brain biggest sex organ. It can get them to use their imagination that they want to jump you when they see you. Your presence and attention is a great gift maybe the greatest you could give to a man. Something they could end up craving if it is not always available. When always available it is easy to take for granted.



  89.  #89Femininewoman on October 12, 2013 at 9:18 am

    The impatience maybe one reason why you want to dismiss the texts and change it into something else.



  90.  #90Emerson on October 12, 2013 at 9:20 am

    78 not a bad idea Daria. Simple.
    I will try that. It’s a challenge for me as I feel scared he will disappear but if he does …so what…?
    I have the power….

    I also have a crush on two guys at work but not sure if I wnt to mix work and love…but it’s fun to have the male attention!



  91.  #91Femininewoman on October 12, 2013 at 9:23 am

    “A Poet would say, “I’m feeling all squishy and pink and shiny just looking at those lit-up clouds.”

    She might say, “I feel like a teenager back in my old room feeling all pink and surrounded with stuffed animals. I can feel my heart pounding being so close to you here.”

    Rori



  92.  #92Femininewoman on October 12, 2013 at 9:24 am

    That reminded me of a man who literally said to me “you are being poetic” one when I used that kind of language to him.



  93.  #93Emerson on October 12, 2013 at 9:27 am

    86 FW which part is controlling I’m just curious. I don’t want to be pushy or controlling with a man, I have to turn off my work mode and turn on my girl mode. I have to be pushy and “controlling” at work so I don’t want it to carry over to my relations with a man



  94.  #94Femininewoman on October 12, 2013 at 10:03 am

    Emerson – 57 is what I was referring to with him texting. That is what he what he wants to do and he is using his phone. You don’t have to respond. I just read your post and it seem to me that you were trying to fix him. He wants to text. Maybe that is what he does. Let him show who he is without directing him on how you want him to be. He will show you who he is and you will get to decide if you want to go further or engage with him.



  95.  #95Emerson on October 12, 2013 at 10:41 am

    I am setting new goals for myself, every day is a new day. I am treating myself gently!



  96.  #96Emerson on October 12, 2013 at 10:42 am

    92 thanks FW 🙂



  97.  #97Emerson on October 12, 2013 at 10:53 am

    I want results. I want to see this cd not just text. I feel frustrated and impatient because it would feel good to have physical affection, thank God for recycledCD lol…
    I hate feeling “desperate” for affection … I crave hugs and kisses so much… Sex is nice too of course but I really enjoy affection…”talking” or texting is not enough.



  98.  #98Emerson on October 12, 2013 at 10:54 am

    I realize “I want I want” is controlling….?



  99.  #99Lisa on October 12, 2013 at 11:01 am

    @Emerson I agree… talking and most especially texting isn’t enough…

    side note:
    Lately I’ve just been doing what Rori mentioned in the newsletter…something like: if they are clueless, confused or not available, I move on… Next!

    It just feels to me like if I just keep going along with it ( the games), they will continue to do it… so the one man I was excited about “J2” who seemed to be secure, and is a marriage counselor, just kept saying he would call and then didn’t… then he ask me when that week I was available to talk, I told him, and he didn’t call again… until a week later, and I was on the phone with another man. So, in his voice message he said, I’ll call tomorrow… but he didn’t… so I just let it go… b/c it feels really like fixing things, by moving forward with him…. If he had said, give me a call when you can… I would have called him back maybe in a few days… but really I keep forgetting to call him, so that was my sign…

    But you know it is all so vague what to do… what not to do… can’t really know…

    I suppose if “J2” was as interested as he said, he would have called weeks ago when he said he would… and it would have been a priority…

    OXXO



  100.  #100Lisa on October 12, 2013 at 11:02 am

    @Emerson… yes and thanks for the reminder… I think I’ll do TheWork on that one… I want……

    OXOXO



  101.  #101Daria on October 12, 2013 at 11:47 am

    oh i ate a big sprout salad for dinner and i feel so GOOD!!!

    i feel so energetic and flowy i feel amazed!

    this is what i’ve been reading about electric food and it feels amazing that the experiences in my life are showing me this live

    i haven’t felt this free after eating in awhile

    yip yip yippp



  102.  #102Daria on October 12, 2013 at 11:48 am

    i keep getting goosebumps and feeling energy in me



  103.  #103Daria on October 12, 2013 at 11:56 am

    i feel so good too that I feel self confident and loving now to let men smoke themselves out!

    🙂

    many times men who start out wanting to connect, like this guy who’s been contacting me everyday on facebook

    after awhile if i just respond, stuff comes out like

    “i can tell you’re not trying to get to know me so i’ll just stop bugging you”

    in the past i would’ve felt bad and said that’s not true etc

    and now i just feel comfortable yum!

    i have enjoyed his attention, and didn’t need to judge him at all at the beginning

    men who can continue to carry the masculine energy behave differently

    ofetn from the very beginnning… but that’s not up to me to anticipate

    if i just continue leaning back while responding warmly (and not responding/chasing when it doesn’t feel good)

    men will drop off

    and i’ll feel GOOD about myself instead of bad

    yay 🙂

    i feel powerful!



  104.  #104Lisa on October 12, 2013 at 11:58 am

    I see red flags and I don’t move on them right away b/c I decide to “wait and see if it changes” mentality… and it isn’t working for me…

    Reading a newsletter today from Barry Price, I realize my pattern of attracting men that are really boys underneath their masculine exterior…

    they are emotionally unavailable… and unreliable and emotionally distant… b/c my Dad was that way…

    I’ve been trying to move away from that pattern for very long time… bad boys don’t attract me… I don’t date any specific type of man… but no matter how picky and aware I try to be, I end up with them anyways… I can’t seem to get away from them…

    boys blame others, men take responsibility… I realized very quickly with “R” the last and third date when he blamed me for being hot at the dance party, he said “you should of told me what to wear, I’m too hot”… OK oh my who doesn’t know that when you go to dance club your going to get hot… and I don’t tell men what to wear, it didn’t dawn on me to tell him what to wear… but “M” did that too.. blamed me for not telling him the trail on the hike had steps… I mean he is the one that planned the trip and said he read all about it… why was it my fault ?

    so these are the tale tale signs of a boy in a man’s body… blaming, not being able to handle emotional pain or stress… wanting me to cook for him… being taken care of… I think they are looking for a mother… I’m just not falling for it, and then they get upset that I’m not..

    I wish I had a switch to turn off these patterns.. I wish I knew how to turn off these patterns… I mean how many men do I have to say NO to and move on for the pattern to stop…???

    Humm I’m curious!!!

    Just thinking out loud…

    OXOXO



  105.  #105Indigo on October 12, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    D messaged me again today. Just to say hi.



  106.  #106Lemonbutter on October 12, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    Daria #77 I have had a tendency to have certain ideas attached to overt sexual behaviour. I can only apologise to ladies such as yourself, who do seem to have a strong sense of inner confidence and happiness at being true to their sexuality and doing it safely.

    On the flip side, there are women out there who follow their initial sexual desires and then get upset about it the next day or follow days, because the man didn’t want to know afterwards.

    I suppose the difference is women that find themselves in such a situation are not doing it for the right reasons, and being true to their real needs at the time.

    Butterfly Wings explained herself really well, and I thank her for taking the time to do that.

    I still do not feel like I could ever have sex with different men around the same time. That’s just not me, and I feel extremely secure with that.

    So I understand now, that multiple/frequent different sexual partners does not mean you’re not choosy too.

    My only concern, and I am being very, very honest, is that when men get used to women who happily and confidently have sex with no real defined relationship, I worry that if these same men then meet me…..that they are going to expect me to do the same.

    I don’t want to be judged or overlooked because I choose not to sex so…..I don’t know the right word….freely? I guess.

    I am feeling a bit shaky thinking about certain things. Not sure why.



  107.  #107Indigo on October 12, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    I have been filling my life up as much as I can – people, fun things to do, interesting and stimulating things, projects, things which I love… things I can look forward to. Making friends and opening myself up to the world. Getting joy for myself wherever I can.



  108.  #108Lemonbutter on October 12, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    Lisa <3 thank you for the hug! ^_^



  109.  #109Lisa on October 12, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    @ Indigo <3 that's wonderful!!!!

    and I'm feeling sick now… still feeling very sad about "M" not …. I don't need him back, I'm not piney for him, but it would be nice… to hear from him… to know he cares…

    I feel sad now… very sad… depressed… crying…

    <3

    OXOX



  110.  #110Lemonbutter on October 12, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    Lisa #102 I can relate to the unavailable men.

    My dad was distant and critical of me growing up, so it’s taking a lot of work to undo what that did to me and my relationships to men.

    I feel icky, uncomfortable, unsettled when I think about that…it seems so unfair, but we deal the cards we’re dealt, and we can heal and sow new seeds for ourselves.

    xxx



  111.  #111Lisa on October 12, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    @ Indigo… I know!! and that is so wonderful! Do you get sad at times about “D”?

    I’m filling my life up too with things I love and taking really good care of myself.. meeting new people, dating when that comes around, making new friends.. going out, staying home with me, doing things by myself…

    and yet, it isn’t completely taking the tears away… I still have to stop and cry from time to time and deal with a trigger , cry it out… and them I move forward… and I’m having some amazing realizations about myself… and I still miss him and I still catch myself wanting him… and I still have to cry – like now… about it being over…

    does that happen with you?

    OXOXO



  112.  #112Indigo on October 12, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    (((Lisa)))



  113.  #113Indigo on October 12, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    Lisa,

    Oh my what a question. Yes, yes and a thousand times YES. Particularly in the first several weeks. The sadness would get utterly overwhelming times. I’d be at work and the sadness would get so overwhelming that I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t even do anything. I’d just put my head down on my desk and cry.

    I have times when it comes on me like a wave, and I just have to stop what I’m doing and wait for it to be over. I don’t look forward to those times because it’s a very strong feeling and I initially wondered whether I could even handle it.

    However I eventually realized that, as intense as it felt, I *could* handle it, even if I felt like I was going to fall apart in the moment. I allow these feelings as much as I can, even if it means I have to close my door, or excuse myself, or just stand and close my eyes and let it wash over me.

    I also came to a wonderful realization about healing and processing, and the beautiful part that time has to play in all of that. Not to worry if it takes time, it’s SUPPOSED to take time. It’s only our modern world which has tricked us into thinking things have to happen quickly.

    I allow it. I allow him, and me, and I allow the healing to take place. And as much as humanly possible, I place no restrictions on it. I am trying to be kind to me in every way possible, and to him too… in my own way. By allowing this time and space and his choices. It is all what needs to happen.



  114.  #114Lisa on October 12, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    @ Indigo yes!!!!

    and I think when I was younger I felt like time wasn’t an issue, I felt like you did, it just takes time.. and now that I’m 50 and realized that I was a little too lenient of that.. so much time has passed… I feel like I don’t have time… now.. but the universe tends to run things on it’s own time and not mine….

    {{{{ hugs }}}} back! <3

    OXOXO



  115.  #115Linda on October 12, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    FW. again your voice hits home with me it feels reasonable and pragmatic. Speaks my in a way my heart absorbs and understands.

    When I replay his actions from last Tuesday in my mind… it felt like I was watching a kid throw a huge temper tantrum and storming off the playground. I have heard Dr Phil referring to that kind of behavior in an adult as a “Tall Tantrum” and bluntly asking “so how is it working for ya”?

    I felt bullied by him Tuesday when he demanded that I call my daughter and set up a time for us all 4 to set down together and talk. I felt his attitude was confrontational and self -defensive and they are totally clueless to anything being at issue and just open to wanting to get to know him in a way they feel comfortable with. THere were two different agendas and I felt protective of them.

    I do miss him and all his wonderful qualities and the good things he brought to my life. There were soooo many. I know I cant be an enabler though.

    Surely all the things he voluntarily did… the rowing, the planning.. the investing in me was not fake. It felt really good and right a lot. That is the man I want to be with.. not the tall temper tantrum throwing one.



  116.  #116Daria on October 12, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    Lemonbutter – thanks for writing to me… i feel good reading your kind intent toward me

    something i noticed, i feel struck often when people choose the words “that’s not me”

    it signs to me that there’s stuff to explore there for that person, triggering things that feel uncomfortable to look at, maybe judgements

    as opposed to other wordings like “that doesn’t work for me” (which lends itself to express clarity, to a knowing what does work and why, though even that wording can sometimes be used as an ‘escape’ from exploring more deeply)

    I’d ask myself:

    why do you feel so extremely secure with that?

    At one time not so long ago I used to feel the same way…

    why do you not choose sex so ‘freely?’ how does that benefit you?

    What beliefs does it uphold? are any of them based on fear ?

    I know for me, the long times I chose to wait in between sex with men and the spiritual and emotional commitment I made to men I had sex with, even when they had not shown in my life as a partner

    were because of the idea of the virtue of chastity. That a woman has higher value the less sex she has and definitely the less men she has been with. That men would ideally marry a virgin.

    I wanted to have high value. Not having sex ensured I had high value. To myself even.

    I did not feel as high value when I had just had sex. If it was less than 9 months ago, I felt like I was being an easy woman. If I could not be a virgin at least I could be a chaste woman who had sex less than 9 months before.

    I felt not as good and not as worth full respect to connect with a man earlier than that. There was still time for my previous lover . who i would commit through the universe to, to be honored, and that would make our sex honorable, special.

    Well it was beautiful. I smile at that commitment from a girl honoring what she believed.

    What an amazing life change for me that I could enjoy beauty, and sacredness, and honor, without judgment, and self restiction and ‘hard’ strength.

    That way of thinking kept beauty alive for me, and instead the world opened up to me that beauty is always there. That honor is ALWAYS there, not just by holding on with my soul to the judgements that I can use to claim my worth.

    That *I* as a woman, have the power INSIDE OF ME to always touch and share honor and love and beauty, and it’s not about commitment to a man, it’s not about saving my self, it’s not about what men might think or want.

    The freedom to know that I will ALWAYS be wanted by men, that i don’t have to fight for my honor through chastity, I have honor inside of me, and as I know it , it will be seen by them.

    Through their Own judgements, through the world’s judgements, I shine

    and shatter the shame of my sisters and ancestors that have submitted and carried the shame to me

    it makes the world feel like it loves me and that’s better than judging me and me coming out correct

    it still blows my mind and im still cleaning up these generations old suppressions and oppressions that I was once the greatest believer in

    and men honor me and want me, more than before, when I needed a certain behavior to testify for my worth

    now *I* testify for my worth, and it gets seen, and it may not be as hard and solid and ‘untouchable’ as shutting down my sexual nature… instead its alive, and pulsing and radiating… and still always there for me

    its an honor



  117.  #117Daria on October 12, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    the way I want to inspire irresistible passion in a man

    is not by being everything he thinks he wants in his world

    its by awakening in him a desire for something he never knew he wanted, a world he didn’t know of, that is more alive and with more love than what he knew before

    and magically, it’s easy, now that that world opened up in me. It’s in me, and all I do is let him see it



  118.  #118SweetPea on October 12, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    Hey lovely sirens!
    I was looking through the comments trying to find one about a dream I had that Lucy interpreted for me. It’s been so long since I’ve been on here – I didn’t realize how much I miss you all!

    Just thought I’d pop in and say “Hi. Hope you are all doing fantastically well!”

    xoxox



  119.  #119Daria on October 12, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    I really wish the transformation I experienced with all women…

    i feel so much more peaceful and happy to be myself now that i know im safe and will always be wanted

    I wish this tranformation for myself on other beliefs, like bravery



  120.  #120Lemonbutter on October 12, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    Daria #114 that’s a lovely post, thank you. And very interesting for me to read. I feel a much stronger sense of what your sexuality is like and it feels uplifting and inspiring.

    I feel like smiling, but I feel a bit moved at the moment because I’ve been watching Love Scripts and it’s stirring me.

    But….the idea of virtue you mention, I think there is a degree of that in society. I’ve read a lot of things where men have been turned off women who have had a lot of partners, you see it all over the internet, but I have no idea what to feel about men like that because a lot of the time they are hypocrites.

    Being virtuous for me, doesn’t have anything to do with being chaste, more so being true to my own sense of sexuality. You sound virtuous Daria, because you are being true to you, in a way that is honest and healthy.

    I’ve slept with four men in my whole life, I know that’s not a lot…. but if I am totally honest Daria, there is only one of those men I was happy sleeping with. The other three, I could happily erase any memory of sex with them. This leads me on to why I feel secure with me not having sex with different men very often, and that is because it’s not very often I meet a guy who turns me on sexually, but when I do…..it’s almost overwhelming. Unfortunately, the men I really wanted to have sex with were married, so I couldn’t go there with them anyway. Really, there just aren’t many men I want to have sex with.

    It takes a certain kind of man for me to want that, and I don’t come across them very often at all.

    I can’t even pinpoint why that is…some men have the right combination of looks, brains and heart, but most of them, I like to flirt with, but the idea of sex with them feels unappealing. It would feel like having sex with a pig.

    I really hope I’m not coming across mean towards men in any way, when I find one I find attractive it’s a powerful sensation, but it just doesn’t happen often.

    Sometimes it just feels good to pleasure myself, and flirt with men, until I meet one I want to experience that pleasure with. I hope that explains myself better.

    Again, Daria, it feels like you have fantastic sexual energy, and I feel glad you feel empowered to express that in any way that feels good.

    Mine is inverted, it feels good to express my sexuality when I meet someone I feel inspired to express it with, but it doesn’t happen often 😀

    If I met 100 men tomorrow, I’d be surprised if there was 1 I wanted sex with. I am just weird like that.



  121.  #121Lemonbutter on October 12, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    I feel weird sometimes, abnormal sometimes. But I just accept the way I am, and have learnt to feel secure about it.



  122.  #122Lemonbutter on October 12, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    I also feel like, I just want one man. I don’t feel like experiencing lots of men’s bodies.

    I don’t feel like having lots of men’s (not sure if I am allowed to use the word p) manhoods in my body.

    I love my vagina….I want to share it with a man I love.

    I feel like a romantic fool, and I feel like my way of being doesn’t fit in the western world today.



  123.  #123Lemonbutter on October 12, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    Not implying anyone else doesn’t love their vagina lol…..not at all.

    Just trying to express how I feel, and I don’t think I can successfully.



  124.  #124Daria on October 12, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    ok what if i practice not acting on my urge to argue, that is disagree, and speak on it?

    and what if i forgive myself for having done so and know that it’s GREAT

    and even greater to practice this as i get more space and power?

    yay

    i feel scared

    loving myself!



  125.  #125Lemonbutter on October 12, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    Daria I hope you don’t feel anything bad about what I said, just trying to express myself honestly and openly.

    I love myself as I am, and it’s taken a long time for me to embrace myself.

    I also feel inspired by you too.



  126.  #126Lisa on October 12, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    @Daria I loved that post

    “the way I want to inspire irresistible passion in a man

    is not by being everything he thinks he wants in his world

    its by awakening in him a desire for something he never knew he wanted, a world he didn’t know of, that is more alive and with more love than what he knew before

    and magically, it’s easy, now that that world opened up in me. It’s in me, and all I do is let him see it”

    I’ve tried that before and realized that I had people falling in love with me too fast, wanting to much from me, that I couldn’t return to them… I realize now that has tainted me… so I hold back who I am… and with “M” I was coming out of the shell and then I noticed that he couldn’t handle who I was, so I retracted…

    I know now that isn’t what I need to do… retract… I need to be fully me, sparky, spunky, shinning light, energetic and fun! sassy, and full of life… person that I am, whether people ( especially men ) can handle it or not…

    I’ve toned myself down… I realize now that I read your post, I need to just be ME no matter what…

    so me showing “M” a world full of life and energy and deep love…… I feel for him then too and I retracted, I think b/c I thought he couldn’t handle me …. he did mention it a few times.. but I don’t think me retracting was the thing to do…

    I’m crying now… I see that who I am authentically is wonderful, and lovable and precious, and then I withhold it, out of fear…

    “M” told me he had never had a woman like me and that it blew his mind… women never reacted or responded to him the way I did… so it totally floors me…that showing him a life/world he’d never knew of before, that I wasn’t worth hanging on to, and working through it…

    I’m in a very weird mood today… crying and smiling all over the place… nothing makes sense to me anymore…

    Great topic!

    OXOXO



  127.  #127Daria on October 12, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    LemonButter – I can relate to many things you write

    like I would meet a hundred men and not feel open to connect with any of them.

    I used to feel inspired like that with men I met it seemed few in a lifetime. Maybe like one every 10 years. (the fewness at the time felt ‘special’ to me)

    I can relate too to wanting to erase the memories of some of the men I had sex with before. It didn’t feel ‘special’ enough.

    I can relate too to wanting to share my vagina with just one man. That too felt ‘special’

    I used to be that way and had some revelations in my empowerment and I changed.

    What I experience now is a specialness in myself, to where I don’t feel the desire to erase the past experiences with men anymore. I don’t feel like I feel better to save myself to share with just one man to feel fulfilled and good.

    And I’m actually meeting men and now feel open and inspired to connect with the ones I’m meeting, there are so many now that are coming to me that are ‘right’ for me. It’s truly magical, unimaginable from my previous way of being.

    I guess i just feel sad not feeling got (and it’s not your responsibility to get me Lemonbutter). It’s a habit of mine, when I can relate to being one way, having certain perceptions, then I experience something new, I change, and it feels good… and when I share with others who I had been in the same camp with before… I just can’t seem to say it in a way that I feel really heard or got.

    It’s not important that others change, I just feel frustrated being put on the ‘out’ now that i’ve changed.

    Because I was ‘in.’ I get that way of thinking and being. I’m not ‘different.’ I’m a person who has changed. And I feel Better now, than I could imagine before. And I feel frustrated not seemingly able to share this wonderful feeling in this way of being with others by words.

    🙁

    I really appreciate the change in me, even if I’m unable to share with anyone and it feels like striking walls, and I don’t want to feel unable to be heard and feel like I’m striking walls anymore. Thank you mucho.

    I intend to change my ability to resound.



  128.  #128Lemonbutter on October 12, 2013 at 3:21 pm

    Daria, you sound like you’re in a wonderful place. I can’t feel what you feel in this area, but I feel the empowerment and sense of growth from what you’re writing.

    My wanting one man isn’t so much about feeling special, I just literally don’t feel (right now) like I want to experience lots of men. This could change however….it really could, and I’m open to wherever my heart and deepest feelings take me.

    So I say again Daria….I FEEL your wonderful feelings, even if I can’t relate to them through my own experience at this time.

    Thank you for sharing, it feels uplifting and special.



  129.  #129Lemonbutter on October 12, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    Daria, what I’m trying to say is….the specialness of your change and feelings of expression come across. And I can feel that energy.

    I can’t say either way if I can I understand it mentally….my brain is very limited and I am learning to shift away from thinking too much, and more into feeling.

    But certainly the energy of passion and empowerment, and confidence comes through and it feels great to me, even if I am not in that place.

    🙂



  130.  #130Daria on October 12, 2013 at 3:25 pm

    LemonButter – since I used to have similar views, I can say that in my experience there are other women with similar perspectives in the Western world. At that time I met other women who related to that way of being, though not all.

    And many women I met I related with with this perspective were actually of somewhat eastern descent, such as middle eastern, european, even indian, that area, because in my experience it’s a common cultural perspective in these areas.

    This New way of being of mine that feels even more unique/alone now for me. in the whole world really, not just western.

    It feels like im coming back to life as a Goddess, and while that feels powerful and wonderful, it also feels … umm kinda like no one gets me and i can’t expect anyone to get me based on convention anymore

    I certainly used to find that most men were familiar with my past perspective – that seems similar to yours – based on convention.



  131.  #131Lemonbutter on October 12, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    Daria, I can see my perspective is very much similar to your past one. I don’t know if it will change…..but I just feel right now that if we are true to ourselves and how we feel, we can’t go wrong, and that a woman has the right to feel free to be who she is and express herself how she wants to, whether that means enjoying sexual pleasure with a number of men, or even just one 😀

    This discussion is empowering to me, and you’ve shone new light on this topic for me.



  132.  #132Daria on October 12, 2013 at 3:29 pm

    Thanks Lemonbutter – hehe I appreciate your support.

    I feel worried that its just my general passion and energy that comes across, I know I can do that on many topics. I can Feel myself and that energy.

    I want to get even better so that maybe I can even take some of that excited energy down a notch, and instead more fulfillingly share the unique and specific things I want to share…

    I don’t feel them myself in my writings :/ and it feels frustrating for me

    This is a familiar trigger for me, I intend to heal it.



  133.  #133Millie on October 12, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    I can see how “I want” could be controlling, but I also see that “I want” statements are about who you are and what you want for yourself. “I want a house one day,” doesn’t sound controlling to me, but “I want you to do….something,” does.

    I feel like I really messed up with a guy that I like.
    Looking over my actions I see how misleading I can be, how my words and actions didn’t line up. I feel like I showed my crazy card…and now he has stopped talking to me. This is controlling–but I wish I could have a do-over. I wish I could go back to the day he told me “I’ve been thinking about you all week” and change how I reacted. I wish I had smiled openly and said “tell me more” and kissed him passionately. I wish that showing someone you like them wouldn’t make them run away. I wish I let go more and I wish I could go with the flow more. Instead, I felt scared and protective…I felt like he wanted sex from me and so I held back. I wasn’t sure if that’s the only thing he wanted from me…so while one hand I liked him, on the other I felt scared to let go….For him to say “I’m in a different place,” came across as he doesn’t really want me. Anyway, there are no guys in my life right now. I blame myself, but on the other hand, maybe they were just not the right guys. I want to believe that there is relationship potential with every man. That every man could step up if I just knew how to unlock that. Right now I feel like I’m really good at making them run the other way…..whatever nothing I can do about it now.



  134.  #134Daria on October 12, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    If I don’t feel got by myself, or feel the energy of what I want to share in a way that feels good, then I assume other people won’t either, except maybe by chance or because they’ve already been there



  135.  #135Daria on October 12, 2013 at 3:31 pm

    I have so much I want to share with the world and I want to feel resounding and powerful and be able to trust in myself that I’m doing it in a way that I know I want.



  136.  #136Daria on October 12, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    LemonButter – wow yes I feel excited reading your words! I too believe that if we are true to ourselves we can’t go wrong!

    That feels really good to see in the ‘mirror’ 🙂



  137.  #137Daria on October 12, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    Hi SweetPea! 🙂



  138.  #138Lemonbutter on October 12, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    Daria, I see what you mean. I feel at times that I don’t express myself clearly and therefore I won’t be understood, or my point will be lost.

    I feel like you have expressed yourself well, and sometimes the limit isn’t in what you’re trying to convey, but in the other person’s mind.

    Sometimes people block things out that they don’t want to accept or understand, because of how it makes them feel.

    You write with sincerity and feeling, and the specifics will come as you write more and more! 😀



  139.  #139Daria on October 12, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    ((((((((((((Lisa)))))))))))))



  140.  #140Daria on October 12, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    Thanks LemonButter – yeah thats my issue though. I want to express with such a ringing and accurate love that it breaks through and shatters people’s barriers, and yet feels soft like a sigh

    many things I want to share I imagine would be blocked by many people’s minds. I want to strike just the right tone to get through to the whole world .

    That feels scary and it’s ok.

    I LOVE ME AND MY DESIRES!!



  141.  #141Daria on October 12, 2013 at 3:43 pm

    (((((((((Millie)))))))))



  142.  #142Butterfly Wings on October 12, 2013 at 3:45 pm

    75: Sirenity – Hahaaha! I know exactly what you’re talking about! Mmmmm… heat….! 😛



  143.  #143Butterfly Wings on October 12, 2013 at 3:49 pm

    72: Lemonbutter – Yeah it is kind of sad, but I feel ok with it. I’m not “attached” to this one, and I just make sure that I enjoy every second of being pampered by the man! I LOVE it!

    Also, even though he’s not long term (LONG and very sad story), I’m getting a LOT from this “relationship”. I’m learning how to let my wall down, I’m learning how to receive from a man who loves to give, and I’m getting a very clear picture in my mind about the type of man I want and deserve to have in my life.

    So I do feel very good about my situation with him, and not sad at all. That’s because I’ve got a whole “stable” of distractions there who definitely keep my focus away from just him. 😉

    I know I won’t fall for him, although I do love him as a friend and feel grateful for all that he has done to me in a personal growth sense. 🙂



  144.  #144Lisa on October 12, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    “Happiness doesn’t come from being in love, Happiness comes from becoming LOVE.”

    I have no idea who wrote this, but it was on my FB page… and It really resonated with me…

    @Emerson was saying today wanting is controlling… and what I’m seeing is that if I want something I need to become it…

    I want love, to be in love, then I need to become love all the way…

    OXOXO



  145.  #145Butterfly Wings on October 12, 2013 at 3:58 pm

    102: Lisa – Ew! I had a bf like that. EVERYTHING was my fault! Looking back I now see what a child he really was. Sooooo glad to be out of that situation!



  146.  #146Millie on October 12, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    Thank you Daria.

    I am my own worst enemy. Falling on my own sword, criticizing myself….measuring myself as a woman. I want to be a “cool” girl, but I don’t feel like one.

    Regarding polyamory–For me I have done it, but not in the best way. It doesn’t matter how many you are sleeping with if the men aren’t giving to you. (me) The reason it hasn’t felt good to me in the past is because I still didn’t feel wanted, casual or not. I’ve slept with people when I didn’t truly feel wanted by them…and waking up with that feeling the next day is horrible. So, I support sex entirely with whom and when you want, but for me I prefer to sleep with men who make me feel wanted.



  147.  #147Butterfly Wings on October 12, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    104: Lemonbutter – I would never sleep with a man if I had any expectations of him, because in many cases I’d end up feeling disappointed, so I get what you’re saying there.

    I actually slept with my ex husband on our second date and three years later we were married, so you just never know!

    So while pretty much all men think with their willies, not all expect that you’ll sleep with them straight away. Also, of those that do want it straight away, it doesn’t mean it won’t lead to something deep and meaningful later either – but the expectations have to be dropped!

    So yes, you may come across some men who expect that you’ll “put out” straight away. But you’ll also come across some who don’t.



  148.  #148Dominique on October 12, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    Lisa – 109 – Your responses are so normal. You need time to grieve, not only for the loss of M but also the loss of your hopes and dreams with him.

    I think you are doing amazingly well. I think you are inspiring.

    Love to you

    xxoo



  149.  #149Daria on October 12, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    Millie – i totally get it. I feel glad I mostly haven’t slept with men when I didn’t feel wanted …

    (i’m coming from less of a ‘polyamorous’ past and more just holding back and protecting against feeling that way)

    however, even if i feel wanted, i’ve realized my past sexual life has been about pleasing the man

    I’m not committed to being about pleasing ME first… and I have started to say No (as in stop its hurting) in the most uncomfortable times, when I felt like it was just not a good time for him to hear no, but I’m really proud of myself, even though guys have complained, one even said we wont work out (he came back later saying im the one)

    i stopped ‘reciprocating’ sexual favors and really took the “im a Goddess to be worshipped” perspective seriously…

    ahhh im so happy i’ve started to do this and it’s wroking. Focusing on ME! just babysteps, tehres still more shifts to make, but now i’ve gotten it rolling!

    YAYAYAYAYAY

    feels SOOO awesome!



  150.  #150Lisa on October 12, 2013 at 4:19 pm

    More grieving is coming… harder this time.. I think I’ve been so busy getting back on my horse and riding forward and filling my life up, that I’ve not really allowed the entirety of my last relationship ending felt like.. “M” told me that he didn’t love me enough to “work out the sleep issue”… I’m sitting here really feeling how bad that hurt…

    this came from the same man that thought he hurt my arm one night and was so upset that he thought he’d hurt me, and he said “your my baby, I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to you, I couldn’t handle it”

    it’s confusing.. men – when he said that, It felt so good, I felt he was really being deeply honest about how he felt about me… I felt like my dream had come true… a man really felt that about me…

    and then to hear he doesn’t love me enough to work out the sleep issues… dagger in my heart.. and I did what I always do, I’m strong, I’m evolved….. so I just went on… and now 2.5 mos later… It hurts like hell… It felt mean.. cruel to hear that…

    OXOXO



  151.  #151Butterfly Wings on October 12, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    Ohhhh yeah I would never sleep with a man I didn’t feel amazing with. And to feel amazing, I must feel wanted, cherished and cared for. If those feelings aren’t there, then I probably wouldn’t enjoy the experience anyway.



  152.  #152Daria on October 12, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    when i said i stopped reciprocating sexual favors, i mean i stopped doing it because they did it for me. I still do things they might enjoy (lol) but only when i feel like it, and because it feels sensually good to me.

    i’ve even had something like a throat orgasm during oral sex on a man that i wanted to do, because i was doing it for my physical pleasure!

    When I lean back this way – its very ‘in the moment’ each moment at a time kind of practice – i get into this amazing FLOW of just feeling really connected and in tune with a man… it feels out of this world energy

    I think my past of wanting to be a very good pleaser to men and feeling accomplished in that is not a waste, because I know for sure I am good at pleasing, its just that now i dont have to please anymore

    Pleasing me is even more pleasure. Omg im so excited im just starting, im literally on the threshold of this experience I have so much to learn and experience!



  153.  #153Dominique on October 12, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    Lemonbutter – 119 – This isn’t weird at all. Nor abnormal. I have been much like this, the part about not being sexually attracted to very many men, so few really, and it didn’t really have to do with looks. It was an unknown something something. I even went a fairly long time thinking I might be frigid or having low libido. Proved SO not true when the right man came along, and it’s still going strong in not stronger than ever.

    xxoo



  154.  #154Daria on October 12, 2013 at 4:22 pm

    I meant im NOW committed to pleasing Me first. Not even just ‘first,’ more like… Exclusively keeping the focus on pleasing me



  155.  #155Butterfly Wings on October 12, 2013 at 4:26 pm

    147: Daria – oh yes! I feel just like a goddess who is being worshipped by several men. Yummy!

    And to think that when I first came across Rori, just the thought of platonic dating more than one man at a time was too much to bear! lol

    Now I have many CDs, some of whom I’m intimate with, and others I just date casually, going for drinks or just hanging out.

    I am definitely being worshipped, and even both my ex husbands weren’t able to make me feel as good as these guys do.

    Says a lot for the quality of the men I’ve been with in the past huh? 😉



  156.  #156Dominique on October 12, 2013 at 4:28 pm

    Daria – 125 – I think it’s beautiful that you’ve been able to transform yourself in these ways and in other ways over the years I’ve known you. Life is in part about exploration, and you embrace this so well. You already know it’s not necessary to convince someone of anything. Sharing as you do is so wonderful.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  157.  #157Liquid Light on October 12, 2013 at 4:34 pm

    I went on an awesome mtn bike ride today with one of my CDs. I’ve been wanting to find a ride I could do from where I live without driving and he took me on the best ride! It was incredible, and beautiful, and the perfect temperature with amazing views! So excited!!!!



  158.  #158Daria on October 12, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    I think if i didn’t feel so confident in my pleasing abilities i might not feel as comfortable requiring that i receive. hmm… going with what i felt (learning to be the best at sex (as i understood it pleasing men) wasnt wrong for me

    sure its only a tiny step compared to the importance of what im learning now (focusing on the woman)

    and yet its helping me feel more comfortable and solid!



  159.  #159Linda G on October 12, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    Reading this post, I have come to a realization about why I am so resistant to physical involvement with my CD’s. it’s the connection of guilt to sex, in that it is ingrained in me that any man I have sex with, must be a serious partner.

    Maybe that is why we (I) get so attached, at least I do, rather did at this point, to an man we have even casual sex with, trying to make it okay that I have crossed that line.

    In my younger past, before I had children, I ould hook up with a completely nappropriate man, but then conjure up a relationship which shoud never ever exist in the real world.



  160.  #160Linda G on October 12, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    I have just listened to Heather Dawn, what I took away from her is that sex is not about pleasing the man, but as a goddess, it’s about pleasing ourselves in his presence; being able to lean back even during sex and allow him to please us.



  161.  #161Lisa on October 12, 2013 at 4:52 pm

    @Lemonbutter I agree with Dominique I’m a very sexual woman but, I’ve not been sexually attracted to many men considering how many men I’ve gone out with…

    and I also thought that I’d lost my mojo until I met “M” and then wow! I was so shocked at how everything came from me that I didn’t know was there…

    @ Dominique Thanks for the Love! I need it!.. sending love back to you… <3

    I feel like I just lost him all over again today… it hurts that bad… I guess it comes in waves…

    OXOX



  162.  #162Butterfly Wings on October 12, 2013 at 4:52 pm

    Linda, that’s exactly what I used to do – I always thought sex meant something, and I would get attached (usually to the wrong types).

    It’s taken a long time and a lot of work for me to reach this point where I’m just going with the flow, doing what feels good, walking away from what doesn’t feel good, and really enjoying a life that looks nothing like anything I could have ever imagined. 🙂

    I’ve also learned to forgive myself for my many past mistakes. I think that’s a biggie for me. xxx



  163.  #163Butterfly Wings on October 12, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    158: Linda G – This is EXACTLY what this is about for me.

    Leaning back during sex is something I have learned to do, and what I’ve also learned from this is that a good masculine man feels like he’s the king of the world when he knows he’s “pushing the right buttons”! 😉

    My main guy just thinks I’m the best thing EVER, and just loves it when he knows he’s given me lots of pleasure. He does it sexually, he buys me nice things, he takes me away for the weekend sometimes, he compliments me often, he shows me affection, he gives me massages, and the list goes on.

    What’s not to love about that?? 😉



  164.  #164Linda G on October 12, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    It’s being able to go with the flow and not judging ourselves

    Like Lisa said, I also feel like I lost my mojo,
    And I feel like something is wrong that I can’t feel sexual for a guy who is so wonderful to me. I am hoping I can meet someone who treats me this way and I can kiss them! In other words that maybe I am not frozen, just on the brink…

    I had girlfriends in the past who convinced themselves to marry a man that feel unattracted to because he satisfied all their other dreams and needs. Years later, love has grown and their lives are wonderful



  165.  #165Linda G on October 12, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    Butterfly Wings…I wish I had some too, like yours…



  166.  #166Linda G on October 12, 2013 at 5:03 pm

    Am I rejecting them because I am afraid of intimacy, or do they just not turn me on?



  167.  #167Butterfly Wings on October 12, 2013 at 5:04 pm

    Give it time Linda. It took me several years to get to this point. I just wish I’d known about this stuff in my 20’s or even my 30’s. But I didn’t, and now I do, so I guess it’s just a matter of looking forward and making better choices for myself. xxx



  168.  #168Linda G on October 12, 2013 at 5:22 pm

    Surrender is a door one must pass through to find passion

    Deepak Chopra



  169.  #169Lisa on October 12, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    @LindaG

    what is it about this man that turns you off? Is it possible ( just curious here) could it be that men that treat you well are a turn off, that is very common… actually a lot of women have that…

    I’d give it time too, if it were me… but don’t force it… just wait and see, if it happens… b/c in my experience something will just click one day and then it happens.. I get turned on… It took me awhile with “M”, about a month and then even after we had sex the first time, nothing much.. but when he opened his self up to me the next day… and was so open and vulnerable and came over to me… MAN! It hit me like bricks… I was turned on then…

    Just my 2cents..

    OXOXO



  170.  #170Linda G on October 12, 2013 at 5:31 pm

    He has a great personality, is very generous and caring, and yet he is much older than any man I have been with. I think that may be it, I, too, am older than I used to be, but…



  171.  #171Liquid Light on October 12, 2013 at 6:51 pm

    Doin a ride with another CD tomorrow! (That’s a BIKE ride, not what you were thinking, oh my! mind out of the gutter ladies! hahahahaha!!! )



  172.  #172Zia on October 12, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    Daria 76 – This is exactly the situation I am in myself! I am considering it with an ex because I know it will be safe and fun. He’s a bit concerned about my feelings at the moment so has gone from being keen to being unsure/concerned so not sure if it will happen or not.



  173.  #173Emerson on October 12, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    I am going to paint my nails and think about what to say on my next online profile …
    I took my profile down again,,, not liking the new dating site I tried out. I wish I had left my old profile up but I got scared one guy started acting really weird and it turned me off.
    Ugh. Why do i let things affect me. I was having good results on that site.

    This one guy sent me such a mean nasty hate email when I told him I was not going to meet him.



  174.  #174Linda G on October 12, 2013 at 8:16 pm

    Ugh, Emerson, have been through that…delete, block, shrug



  175.  #175Linda on October 12, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    I am struggling with things that are welling up inside me and they are all over the place. I am pretty much in a deep funk!

    I HATE this.



  176.  #176Linda G on October 12, 2013 at 9:20 pm

    I was just on facebook and saw a recent picture of a man who was the gorgeous blond boy a year older than me in middle school who I lied about having kissed… He is almost 60 …not blond anymore, no hair at all, but smiling just the same

    Must… grow ….up



  177.  #177Lisa on October 12, 2013 at 9:51 pm

    I just got home from a social activity… I met a new woman… and she is my age, 5 years older has 2 girls also.

    I don’t believe things just happen without a reason… and this is interesting..

    I’ve been crying about “M” tonight… I felt odd about that until Dominique reminded me it is normal…

    Then I dry my face get dressed and go out, even though I really want to go to bed… but I’m being social…

    so, she said she just got divorced and ( as usual people immediately start telling me their stories) and turns out her recently divorced husband was into Oil and very wealthy… and she told me how he was very controlling with money and all … and b/c he is wealthy… even more so… so he wiped her out financially and she got nothing.. she said he eventually after the marriage he got abusive…

    Wake up call Lisa… the universe is trying to tell you something… she said she has been in therapy trying to figure out why and how she got there with him.. the red flags she missed early on.

    OK… so I can relate to my most recent men….. wanting to be in control (they called it masculine) and having money and being covertly controlling…

    “M” was showing signs of behaviors that concerned me … getting very upset with me once for not answering him and said he felt manipulated by me… ( why?) blamed me?… Ok so “M” also yelled at me in the middle of the night b/c I was moving around in the bed too much… that was really strange… ( but not uncommon for controlling men) “M” wouldn’t let me get a whole dessert he had to have half, and he drank half my drinks etc.. “M” would also tell me things like what if I went through your recycling what would you do?… ( I think he was telling me he did, instead of asking me if he could) and he also did put his hand on my neck while having sex and also had said he liked having me right where he wants me…

    Ok so I’m telling myself in the car on the way home… that in my grief, I’ve forgotten the signs that made me feel uncomfortable and how it felt very controlling to me… the things he did..

    and how with my history of controlling men… and abusive men… that this woman could have just saved the day… by reminding me of the signs that I saw and had forgotten…

    She told me how her ex husband had all of his self esteem built on his money… so he had to protect it with everything….. I can hear that loud and clear…

    After reading the post on FB about Dalai Llama that when things don’t work out, its a blessing that we might not know…

    “R” also had made comments about loosing his temper too much and he was working on it… and how he says harsh things sometimes… and doesn’t mean to… he also said he’d got into lots of fights, and has to walk away sometimes when he is angry b/c he doesn’t want to hurt someone…

    SO, yay for me, for protecting me, listening to me and the red flags.. and Yay for me, for paying attention when the universe is telling me something…and walking away from these men…

    “M” told me his dad was that ( very controlling) with all of his wives.. so again, Marc Evan is right when he says men tell on themselves…. all women have to do is pay attention…

    so, now that my head is back on straight, I can grieve and do it without hoping things might reconnect….. at some point… and look forward to a man that will go to the ends of the earth for me, wouldn’t yell at me for moving too much in bed ( he might even ask me if I’m feeling ok) and not accuse me of manipulating him when I don’t answer him fast enough…

    I’m looking forward to a man that is head over heals with me, and wants to give me the world and his self esteem is built on a solid ground of life experiences and self growth… and compassion… not money and control…

    I’m done with the controlling men…

    I might have just saved myself years of being in another abusive relationship… who knows…

    I know for sure that I didn’t hear this woman’s story ( which happens to be so close to my own) by a fluke… I really feel the universe was talking to me….. saying Lisa keep paying attention to the signs…. keep walking away…

    I’m open to receiving a GOOD man that is GOOD to me…in all ways… and I deserve it…

    OXOXO



  178.  #178Emerson on October 12, 2013 at 9:55 pm

    I feel proud of myself for reaching out to friends for networking and ideas and help…
    Even if some don’t reply…



  179.  #179Emerson on October 12, 2013 at 9:59 pm

    (((Linda)))

    Linda G thanks for your reply I especially like the “”shrug”” lol



  180.  #180Lemonbutter on October 13, 2013 at 3:35 am

    Butterfly Wings 143 & 147, your current relationship sounds like it has a good purpose, even though you know it’s not long term, it feels like it’s a healthy stepping stone, a haven of present fulfilment that you gives you some of the things you want and need. That’s wonderful.

    I really feel like this topic has opened my mind more.

    Also thank you, your words are encouraging. The few men I’ve been with so far, I’ve slept with pretty fast. It felt good to at the time, and I’m beginning to accept that was okay, and two of them did lead to relationships (even if they ended badly) hehe, it was nothing to do with the sex, which was always adventurous.

    Dominique 153, it feels a relief to know I’m not alone, and certainly not abnormal, but just being who I am. I feel like a light goes on inside my chest and head when you share your experience. I really do hope to find the right man for me when the timing is right.

    Lisa 161, thank you also for sharing your experience and complimenting what Dominique said. I feel that I am quite normal now 😀



  181.  #181Sirenity on October 13, 2013 at 3:35 am

    I like your suggestions Daria..close dancing ? maybe harder to access locally but I will look for a male masseur..yes, liking that idea.



  182.  #182Daria on October 13, 2013 at 4:48 am

    The big thing that opened me up to attraction and more attractive men showing up for me was Rori’s advice to let every man kiss me.

    Before I would only allow a new man to kiss me if i felt that ‘something’ … and like I said that was once every many years.

    Allowing them to kiss me (it can be brief) I think opened up my vibe to be attracted to more men which then attracted more attractive men hehe.

    If it’s someone I feel totally repulsed by, then no, I won’t. But otherwise I do, even though I may not allow it to continue or happen again after if I didn’t like the first time.



  183.  #183Daria on October 13, 2013 at 4:49 am

    Linda G – I feel interested in the Heather Dawn teachings, where would I find her. I googled Heather Dawn and at first sight there’s quite a few different people…



  184.  #184Daria on October 13, 2013 at 5:23 am

    Sirenity – nice! yeah being touched by a man can help open up the energy to men touching me… and then somehow it attracts more men to touch me… its really telepathic i’ve seen it happen for me again and again

    heeee

    i only went once for a male massage but it was a young guy who i think did like me. he was probably like “yesss”. lol . and it didn’t feel creepy. i think that would be important.



  185.  #185Linda G on October 13, 2013 at 6:56 am

    Daria, Heather Dawn is someone Rori introduces on Modern Siren. Her work is Sacred Sexuality
    http://Www.theecstaticbody.com



  186.  #186Linda G on October 13, 2013 at 6:58 am

    “Let every man kiss me” and melt into the kiss

    Free sex therapy, Ima gonna try



  187.  #187Lisa on October 13, 2013 at 7:35 am

    @Emerson I’m proud of you too!

    @ Lemonbutter 🙂 <3 {{hugs}}] Of course you are…

    I'm proud of me for posting that long and difficult post …. and proud of me for being my own protector and loving me enough to want what is best for me…

    I'm going to give me the most suited man for me…. and not settle…..

    I'm realizing now that I want to go back to "M" when I'm feeling as if there is nothing better out there for me…

    and though I love "M" with all my heart, he has issues, and he knew it, and loved me enough to see that and let me go… though I don't want to go back, damn I want to some days… b/c there was a lot of good there too… but it is for the best…

    it's hard to let go of the best you've ever had before, knowing that you might not get more, and hoping that you'll get better…

    It's hard sometimes to Love yourself enough to know that you can't stay… even though part of you is dying inside for things to be better, so you don't have to leave…..

    I'd lie, if I said that part of me still wants him to show up at my door ( healed) so that all the good we had can be better, and the toxic part would be gone.. but that isn't reality… it's a fantasy..

    I guess that is really selfish of me to want him to heal so we can be together again… it's really very insane… I need to work on that…

    OXOXO



  188.  #188SweetPea on October 13, 2013 at 8:18 am

    Hey Daria!

    Nice to “see” you. 😉



  189.  #189Lisa on October 13, 2013 at 9:54 am

    OMG so much coming up for me in loads and loads…. I’m happy it’s all coming to a head…

    Deep down inside I can find what I’m upset with “M” over….

    I’m a secure woman, and I can also find my little girl inside that is still feeling ugly, insecure, unlovable and afraid she is never going to be loved by a man… there is the needy desperation…

    I started crying today talking to my mom about putting myself through college and raising a child all alone, and getting very little sleep and taking a full load 21 credit hours of classes and taking care of her without help… she said yes, it makes a difference when you have help and support from a partner/man… I didn’t.. matter of fact I haven’t!!! and I’ve been doing it mostly on my own … for decades… that’s all I know… I attract men that want me to be the responsible one… who want to be mothered… and there is no one for me…

    I don’t have a clue what it is like to have a man be there for me… NO clue…

    “M” was there but only to a point, he made it so that it was just enough, to be a friend but made sure it wasn’t more than that… he overly rated what he had done, and someone here, I think it was FW… stated that it was what any friend would do… yes, it is ( if you have good friends) but if your in a relationship with someone moving towards marriage, it wasn’t really that much help… that much support… it was just bare minimum… which is what I’m used to…

    I think I’d drop dead if a man loved me enough to go above and beyond for me… in my world that doesn’t exist…. that’s like me trying to understand Portuguese…..

    The problem might be that I go above and beyond for them… and they take it for granted…is that how I buy love???

    tears, tears, tears…… I’m on the wrong planet…my planet doesn’t have men like that…

    OXXOX



  190.  #190Lemonbutter on October 13, 2013 at 10:23 am

    Lisa

    This is very much the same as how I feel at the moment:

    “I’m realizing now that I want to go back to “M” when I’m feeling as if there is nothing better out there for me…”

    The best I had so far has gone, I finally pushed him all the way away from me. So I find myself wanting him back, even though I feel I deserve to believe I can have someone more in tune with me, someone with whom things won’t feel like so much effort.

    I am slowly coming to terms he’s gone, accepting the way things are. It’s hard, but I am steadily falling in love with me, and a man would get in the way of that right now.



  191.  #191Cris on October 13, 2013 at 10:41 am

    @Lisa, I am impressed by the quantity of thoughts that go through your brain and, not knowing you, I am worried as if you were one of my friends… have you tried practising meditation? it is a fabulous exercise to quiet our minds. It allows you to accept all your feelings but not feeding the ones that hurt… I just started, long way ahead still
    my best wishes
    Cris



  192.  #192Indigo on October 13, 2013 at 11:26 am

    That guy friend of mine from a few weeks ago took me out for the day today… to an exotic beach town a couple of hours away. We were going to go horseriding and I forgot my boots, so he bought me an expensive pair! He also took me for a seafood lunch and bought coffee and croissants on the way up. It felt so nice to receive like that.

    And it felt good to keep things as friends. That felt like respecting my boundaries. I like the way I feel these days, even though sometimes it is hard. It feels less hard than it did. It feels as if everything has a purpose, and that I can look forward to my destiny and one day I will see it coming on the horizon.



  193.  #193Daria on October 13, 2013 at 11:29 am

    ‘thank you Linda 🙂 I remember her from Modern Siren now



  194.  #194Emerson on October 13, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    192 indigo that sounds lovely!



  195.  #195Indigo on October 13, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    Thanks Emerson 🙂 it sure was.



  196.  #196Lisa on October 13, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    @Indigo that sounds so wonderful! I wish I had such great C’ding going on right now… Enjoy!!!

    @Cris that is nice of you to be so kind to think of me as a friend and worry… <3 …

    What concerns you about my thoughts? I'm curious?

    I do meditate, but not the way most people do… however, no worries about what goes through my head, I'm very well trained in "thought processes"… and as I see it, all I'm doing is allowing what I feel to have it's life…understand it, listen to it… and come to terms with it..

    I totally know what and why I'm feeling the way I do, no one else may, and that is ok!

    @LemonButter I do understand.. yes! I don't know for me, if a man would get in the way of me now or not… I don't really think anyone could really since I've been working on me for so long. Though at times it feels like the man is trying to get in the way of me loving me…and get me off my horse… it hasn't ever worked for long though in the end, loving me is what takes priority… and so many of my past relationships haven't understood that…….. that I'm committed to me first.

    I think it is more along the lines of me being afraid that better won't come….

    OXOXOX



  197.  #197Dominique on October 13, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    Linda G – 160 – Yes, this is exactly so. Heather is a good friend of mine by the way, and she is right on with this.

    It’s easy for a man to become aroused and have an orgasm. For most women it takes more time, the mood maybe has to feel right, and it takes more time and attention to build arousal, and it also takes a feeling of connection and safety for many.

    Additionally, basically, most men prefer to look and touch, and most women prefer to be looked at and touched. This isn’t to say that a woman doesn’t ever touch and look, or a man doesn’t enjoy being touched.

    A healthy man gets more of his pleasure from seeing YOU feel good, watching and feeling you have orgasms, and if he created them, all the better.

    xxoo



  198.  #198Dominique on October 13, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    Daria – 183 – Heather no longer does sexual healing/tantra work. I talk about this quite a bit in my book and in my video series. I probably have some articles too. I will lookdfor you if you are interested.

    xxoo



  199.  #199Indigo on October 13, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    Thanks Lisa, I think what’s great about it is that I feel no pressure to be anything romantic, which I honestly couldn’t handle right now.

    He has offered to take me to a spa next weekend for some rest and relaxation, so it would be massages and warm pools and room service around the fire. I’m honestly so grateful for an opportunity to turn my thoughts away from D and focus on something else.

    I agree with Dominique, by the way, your processing is so great and you are inspiring. x



  200.  #200Lemonbutter on October 13, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    I feel I am having to work through a lot of intimacy issues. Rori Ray is a true godsend, and I am opening myself and becoming aware of my feelings in ways I had long ago forgotten how to do.

    So I feel a strong desire and need to feel more able to create and handle intimacy issues, before any other serious contenders come along, because if they did so now, I’d probably mess things up and totally shut down.

    Not just that, but the past two years I have felt incredible stress and anxiety, and I’m healing from that. Really healing and falling in love with myself again, and feeling more in control of myself and more aware of my needs.

    ~Lisa~ 196 do you believe you deserve better? If so…better WILL come! One thing I’ve noticed with me, I haven’t been in lots and lots of relationships, but the quality of the men I do become involved has gotten better each time. The most recent man is always better than the last.



  201.  #201Lisa on October 13, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    @ Indigo I feel the same way… I think too much romance right now might be more than I could handle… tell me the secret to find men that will do that without wanting sex… or more.. men that will just give and do and allow a woman to relax and not pressure them…. what’s the secret?

    what your describing is what I want right now… and need right now, and I don’t know how to get it…

    The spa sounds wonderful…

    Thank you! I don’t know exactly how it is … but I’m glad it is… and honestly I’d rater be posting what your posting than going through all this processings…. but here is where I am…

    I took my daughter fishing today… “M” took her and she has been wanting to go again… and it was nice to just be with her and the lake and just sit… and be feminine and do a masculine thing…..

    I’m feeling tired.. and needing TLC… and I might build a fire for me tonight and do yoga outside on the deck… that sounds nice…

    much love

    OXOXOX



  202.  #202Lisa on October 13, 2013 at 2:26 pm

    I really really really love this song… more often than not.. I get tears when I hear it on the radio….

    I thought I’d share it with you all….

    Let it go,
    Let it roll right off your shoulder
    Don’t you know
    The hardest part is over
    Let it in,
    Let your clarity define you
    In the end
    We will only just remember how it feels

    Our lives are made
    In these small hours
    These little wonders,
    These twists & turns of fate
    Time falls away,
    But these small hours,
    These small hours still remain

    Let it slide,
    Let your troubles fall behind you
    Let it shine
    Until you feel it all around you
    And i don’t mind
    If it’s me you need to turn to
    We’ll get by,
    It’s the heart that really matters in the end

    Our lives are made
    In these small hours
    These little wonders,
    These twists & turns of fate
    Time falls away,
    But these small hours,
    These small hours still remain

    All of my regret
    Will wash away some how
    But i can not forget
    The way i feel right now

    In these small hours
    These little wonders
    These twists & turns of fate
    These twists & turns of fate
    Time falls away but these small hours
    These small hours, still remain,
    Still remain
    These little wonders
    These twists & turns of fate
    Time falls away
    But these small hours
    These little wonders still remain

    sending you all love…..

    OXOXOX



  203.  #203Lisa on October 13, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    oops! I didn’t attach…

    here it is…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhZ1BdMtw_Q

    I’m going to have a good cry now… that I’m alone… and let it go….

    XOXOX



  204.  #204Lisa on October 13, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    OMG!!! I cried and cried and journaled and now I have something juicy…

    I’m afraid of not being loved…

    do the work

    how do I react: needy, desperate, longing, looking, checking every man out, anxious, feeling sad…

    who would I be without that thought…peaceful, calm, with myself more, not looking, more in tune with me

    turn it around: I’m not afraid of not being loved

    turn it around: I’m afraid of being loved! OMG! that’s it… again, here it is.. I’m scared to death of being loved… really loved… that’s why I’m so busy LOVING others … it reflects love people want to give to me… OMG! I’m pushing it away, not allowing men to love me… and I can’t even find how I do it… it’s so subtle…

    XOXOX



  205.  #205Cris on October 13, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    @Lisa, is just the quantity of thoughts and that you sometimes cry..
    I am sorry I cannot express myself exactly as my language is not English
    xoxox



  206.  #206Lisa on October 13, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    @Cris OH dear! no no don’t apologize… your fine…

    I really felt loved.. thank you!!!

    Yes, I agree with you, I have a very active mind and totally can process things like a computer… my brain is fascinating actually…but yes, it tends to freak people out how my brain does things…I understand… 🙂

    Big Hugs!

    OXOXOX



  207.  #207Indigo on October 13, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    Lisa,

    I believe in the ability of your heart to call in what it needs… I guess being authentic about what you need and how you’re feeling and seeing who sticks around.

    I actually know many men with varying degrees of gallantry and chivalry, who enjoy being good friends and like to comfort women and make them happy without expecting sex… I don’t know, believe that you are worth that?

    I also find you can’t expect it, it has to be freely given. I wasn’t looking for this treatment from this particular guy friend, it just came.



  208.  #208Lisa on October 13, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    @ Indigo

    that’s wonderful that you have that masculine support in friends… to that degree! That must feel wonderful!

    I do have men friends that will be supportive of me, when I really down… to a degree, but they are long distance.. so it is not that much support…

    Yes, I guess I need to work on “being enough”…

    I just did the work on it… and what happened is I started sobbing… when I had this amazing ah ha moment of ” It’s hard for me to believe I could be enough for a man” without giving them anything….. so I’m learning how I’m bargaining for love…and affection.. b/c I’ve never felt enough…

    I found my addiction tonight.. to healing myself, fixing me, and making me better… so I’ll eventually be good enough for a man…

    lots of processing today…

    OXOXOX



  209.  #209Zia on October 13, 2013 at 4:50 pm

    I’ve had a few epiphanies lately about letting the man lead/set the pace of the “relationship” until he steps up to claim you. it really does feel easy to do when you’re circular dating!



  210.  #210Zia on October 13, 2013 at 4:50 pm

    I’ve had a few epiphanies lately about letting the man lead/set the pace of the “relationship” until he steps up to claim you. it really does feel easy to do when you’re circular dating!



  211.  #211Emerson on October 13, 2013 at 5:04 pm

    Sirens I am so happy for me…I now have 2 online profiles up with photos and everything !!! Phew feeling nervous… I always feel a bit weird posting pics but hey what the heck!

    I’ve gotten alot of messages as it always is in he beginning ….some men sound interesting some I’m not sure but I will reply to most of them… Haven’t had time yet….

    I feel better like I took my power back and not pink node cutecityCD (ok maybe a little)…

    He texted me by the way Daria and I have not replied. I don’t plan to either at least not for a few days. Unless he texts again with set plans.



  212.  #212Emerson on October 13, 2013 at 5:07 pm

    *Not pining for cutecityCD
    Lol autocorrect on my phone
    (((Phone)))



  213.  #213Liquid Light on October 13, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    hahaha not pink node! LOL!

    Emerson, love those red shoes, do you wear heels like that? they are hot!



  214.  #214Lisa on October 13, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    @Emerson YaY! Go Girl! <3

    @Zia Awesome! <3

    OXXOX



  215.  #215Lisa on October 13, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    Humm I’m curious, if I have an addiction to healing, fixing myself, making myself better…. what type of behaviors will that trigger in a man, what type of man will it attract… I’m curious..

    will it attract men that need to be fixed.., who want perfection, who have addictions?

    Any thoughts? I’m curious how my “need” to fix me, make me better, so I’ll be good enough for a good man… is attracting attributes in men…

    OXOXO



  216.  #216Vi on October 13, 2013 at 7:47 pm

    214 Lisa what if you are already good enough? what if your passion to healing is an honorable and beautiful thing that makes the world better and there is nothing to beat yourself up for…? 🙂 I personally see you attracting guys who are kind and also dedicated to making both – their family and the world – good feeling places.. ))



  217.  #217Lisa on October 13, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    @Vi Thanks I’m working on seeing me doing that also.

    I’m not really beating myself up… though yes, it is a type of self abuse I suppose… the need to fix me…

    ok too tired now… to think… time for sleep

    {{{hugs}}}

    OXOXO



  218.  #218Indigo on October 13, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    I feel good about developing patience. I feel that this is my lesson.

    I feel good that my spinning thoughts, which made it hard for me to be patient, are calming now and no longer torture me like they once did. I feel happy that it’s all making more sense now… not in a logical way, but in a heart way. Slowly, acceptance and patience is starting to filter in and it feels wonderful. Acceptance feels like the wrong word… it’s more like hope, looking forward to the horizon. It’s a quiet joy that creeps in extremely slowly into my heart.



  219.  #219Zia on October 13, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    I’m feeling a great vibe from one of the guys I’ve been in touch with on an online dating site, after chatting with him yesterday. Looking forward to meeting him in person!



  220.  #220Emerson on October 13, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    I have a date on Wednesday 🙂



  221.  #221Emerson on October 13, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    212 liquid light lol 🙂
    I don’t have those shoes but I should ! I like sexy heels!!

    213 thanks Lisa!!!



  222.  #222Emerson on October 13, 2013 at 11:06 pm

    218 yay Zia !!



  223.  #223Emerson on October 13, 2013 at 11:11 pm

    The guy I have a date with is successful and very flirty 🙂
    I feel kinda turned on already haha!



  224.  #224Tereana on October 14, 2013 at 2:56 am

    Emerson – sexier blanket. Lol ; )

    Turquoise – I *just* saw your post from way up at #36 I think. That is important information that he had a bad experience with his mom. And so sad. But it seems like he probably *is* a great guy. He was mistreated, though, and he hasn’t really dealt with how this has affected him, and it hasn’t affected him well : (

    At this point, there would be nothing you can do to “show” or prove to him that not all women are vicious or untrustworthy. What he probably needs is either a support group, or expert help to really face and deal with the issues he is having, in order to be less “toxic” and more himself. But you can’t “make” him do this, either. He has to do it because he wants to. And you shouldn’t have to be there to hear him say negative things about women.

    Since you are friends, you can always stay friends. But you might be setting yourself up to get hurt if you continue to sleep with him, even casually or FWB. (This won’t increase his respect of women, or you, anyway.)

    The best thing, if you want to say anything at all, would be maybe like, “sweetie, I love you and you are a good friend. But it feels hurtful to me when you say negative things about women. I know you had a really tough time with your mom and she didn’t treat you well. Have you ever thought about getting help for this? You don’t have to do it alone.” Or something like that. Express concern for him, but remember to take care of yourself.

    He might be mad. Most men don’t want to admit when they need help. But if you frame it this way, he can have a chance to consider it, and know that you are thinking about the big picture. Even if he doesn’t do it, or even if he’s mad, at least he will know how you feel. And to protect yourself emotionally, wait until you see a change in behavior or attitude before you even consider sleeping with him. That’s probably what I would do.

    What do you think?



  225.  #225Tereana on October 14, 2013 at 2:57 am

    Emerson – good luck with your date!! 🙂



  226.  #226Dominique on October 14, 2013 at 5:38 am

    Lisa – 214 – You don’t need fixing. You are perfect just as you are. This doesn’t mean there isn’t room for growth, expansion, blossoming even more beautifully, yet this isn’t fixing. It’s enhancing what is already gorgeous.

    xxoo



  227.  #227Lisa on October 14, 2013 at 6:07 am

    @Dominique Thank you!!! <3

    I do know that at a higher level, but deep down there are splinters still hanging around… I'm digging them out…

    [[[Hugs]]]

    OXXOX



  228.  #228Zia on October 14, 2013 at 6:13 am

    I’m still so amazed at how the idea of mirroring and letting the man set the pace has suddenly clicked for me. Like, I’ve been told it. A number of times. But suddenly yesterday/today I *get* it. And just like that, it’s completely taken the pressure off *everything*. Because all my anxieties have always been about expecting more than what a man was willing to give. Why be concerned about what he may or may not be able to give me? All I need to look at is what he’s offering *now*, and whether that feels good to me or not.



  229.  #229Zia on October 14, 2013 at 6:15 am

    I also have a date lined up for this week, one lined up for next week, one guy who disappeared reappeared and my ex is in touch. Shazam!



  230.  #230Emerson on October 14, 2013 at 6:47 am

    I feel sad this morning. I feel sad and piney for cutecityCD and the comfy feeling in his arms.



  231.  #231Emerson on October 14, 2013 at 6:48 am

    227 Zia wow I needed to hear this



  232.  #232Lisa on October 14, 2013 at 7:20 am

    I’m depressed now again about Carol Allen… I just got a newsletter from Michael Fiore ( which I never really read) and I think I’m going to have to get off both their newsletters… It’s depressing me… he is promoting her…

    If your not in a “season of love” then you have to go through periods of “seasons of loneliness” … ok.. so I’ve done that most all my life.. geeez…

    I think I’m just done with astrology… no offense, but I felt so depressed with the last report, not going to get another one…

    what a way for ruin my day… ugggg

    OXOXO



  233.  #233Emerson on October 14, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Sometimes when a guy says a girlfriend or wife is easygoing and doesn’t ask questions I wonder if that wife or girlfriend just doesn’t care or is just very passive…



  234.  #234Emerson on October 14, 2013 at 7:51 am

    Don’t let it ruin your day Lisa…it’s only true if you believe it. We create our own future..



  235.  #235Waterfall on October 14, 2013 at 7:53 am

    Sirens…

    Today I shall be taking it easy as I feel quite tired after a long weekend, and an activity filled weekend..

    I still have loads to catch up on and organise. I feel over whelmed.. Why I don’t know?!

    Deep breaths…

    Breath in, breath out….

    Last week I worked oh so hard, I do not want the momentum to stop….

    Now I seem to have deflated…

    Men wise I am still seeing my latest CD but things feel fraught and tense between us, and in truth I want out.

    I believe he is really trying to make me happy – he is a loving sweet man, but some things are deal breakers for me. Some things he does causes me to have deep insecurity. I wish it wasn’t the case because I don’t feel at all like he wishes to cause me that.

    Certain things he does I don’t ‘like’ – and it’s getting so that I am compiling lists of things I don’t like..

    Yet, when we are together I can’t bring myself to be honest with him, without there being a major confrontation. It just all feels so stressful…

    Sink into my feelings… Absorb the stress… I feel it in my gut. My guts is feeling tight and tense. I feel tense around my upper back and in between my shoulders.

    Lol, I feel nauseous and drowsy… I feel unable to put one foot in front of the other today, I feel beat down…

    I just can’t catch him out. He runs rings around me. I feel battered down and over powered…

    I feel exhausted..

    Last night he took me to a film that I really, really did not want to see. I should have said no but I was so intrigued by the fact that he really wanted to go that I said yes.

    I sat there and felt extremely uncomfortable…

    I feel so sad and drained today, like I have been abused..

    Am I being over dramatic? A drama queen?

    In a way I hope I am because I know he meant me know harm whatsoever, and was completely unaware that he upset me…

    It’s so difficult because I know he loves me.

    This is about me?? How do I handle this??

    I wish I could. I wish I was strong enough…

    What is wrong with me…??

    I am good enough. I must forgive myself..



  236.  #236Emerson on October 14, 2013 at 8:04 am

    I still haven’t replied to cutecityCDs text.
    Will power !



  237.  #237Emerson on October 14, 2013 at 8:09 am

    234 waterfall be gentle with yourself …
    Maybe it’s about boundaries …for me it’s difficult too.
    Maybe practice using “I don’t want” and “I feel” to communicate with him…and then silence to hear the reply. I’ve been trying this too and it feels scary and hard in the beginning (even now sometimes) like a knot in my tummy …
    But it usually turns out well and regardless I spoke my truth and voted for me so it is ok.
    I am sorry you’re feeling down. ((Hugs))



  238.  #238Linda on October 14, 2013 at 8:39 am

    FavoriteCD started texting me yesterday after a week of silence…. As things are, I just dont see a rewarding relationship flourshing between us. I dont have the right to ask him to change, that is conditional love and controlling… I told him how he hurt me, and how I feel and how the repeating cycle is not healthy or good for me or us.

    He choose to close the door. I wished him the best.



  239.  #239Cris on October 14, 2013 at 8:47 am

    🙁 ((((Linda)))))



  240.  #240Waterfall on October 14, 2013 at 9:21 am

    @ Emerson

    Thank you!

    I try the “I don’t want” and “I feel” ALL the time, but for some reason, he always argues a good case as to why he has done something and then I feel like a bit of a fraud.

    Hmmm? It is confusing me somewhat…



  241.  #241Waterfall on October 14, 2013 at 9:23 am

    ((((((Linda)))))

    Linda – your story amazes and inspires me!



  242.  #242Indigo on October 14, 2013 at 9:29 am

    Emerson,

    I just felt I had to tell you how I have noticed how much softer and more feminine your words feel these days than they did just a short while ago… it’s awesome. Brava to you <3



  243.  #243Indigo on October 14, 2013 at 9:31 am

    Lisa,

    If what a coach is saying feels bad or makes me feel badly about myself, I discard it. Simple as that. No one has the last word on truth, and you know your heart better than anyone.



  244.  #244Syreena on October 14, 2013 at 9:38 am

    Daria. The way I see it is we are all going to be judged by people. I can say I don’t want to be, but saying that I don’t want to be will make no difference. So all that is then left for me is to accept what I am not able to change and choose what I feel good and ok with.
    I am not ever going to get everyones agreement or approval.
    And the only persons I need at the end of the day is mine, so feels best for me to stop seeking or even wanting other peoples. It is me who has to live with my choices and myself.



  245.  #245Indigo on October 14, 2013 at 10:28 am

    I had lunch with D today, yes I did. He paid and I felt calm. It was nice. It felt like receiving. He gave me a hug and all the tension felt gone. All the stress from a few weeks ago felt melted away. It was just lunch, well he ate, I just had a hot chocolate, but it was nice.



  246.  #246Liquid Light on October 14, 2013 at 11:21 am

    @Emerson 223 sounds like fun! 🙂



  247.  #247CurvySiren10 on October 14, 2013 at 11:28 am

    How do you feel now Indigo? How did this feel in terms of healing and moving forward in your life? I am curious to know more about this lunch and mostly how YOU are doing with the renewed contact with D. 🙂 xo



  248.  #248Indigo on October 14, 2013 at 11:44 am

    Aww CurvySiren, I feel really cared for. Thank you, my dear friend.

    I have done so much healing and “house-clearing” during this time of grieving that I don’t even feel like the same person, or more like, I feel *more* like myself. Things are much clearer, emotions lighter, difficult, sludgey times are a little easier and move a little faster. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my difficult times, but I have a renewed faith in the purpose of my life. Renewed hope, renewed belief in my destiny. I have learnt so much, only some of which I have written about here on the blog. Mostly, I feel like I have fallen a little more in love with myself and my own life, and that is a great feeling.

    Being apart from D has obviously triggered a great deal of pain, but I have moved through that into a better place of acceptance, though there is no question that I still experience pain at times.

    Being in contact with D now feels awesome. It is and always will be tinged with excitement, joy and love, but I expect nothing (almost nothing) of it. I accept that we are not together and I accept and allow the way things are. Being kind to myself and bringing joy into my life is my first priority. I have also learnt the value of respecting, loving and considering him *enough* that I accept the “no” and the space that he’s asked for.



  249.  #249Indigo on October 14, 2013 at 11:45 am

    Lots of love to you CurvySiren, by the way, I hope all is wonderful with you! xx



  250.  #250CurvySiren10 on October 14, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    Aww thank you Indigo. You are so sweet and kind. 🙂

    I love you how you sound. So grounded and so incredibly aware of your feelings and your healing.

    I know this isn’t a linear journey, and I think the future will continue to be a bit rocky…but you’ve laid such a solid foundation for weathering the storms that surely lie ahead with D. He wants space, yet he continues to ‘dance’ around, orbiting you in a way that works for him.

    The challenge for me would be keeping my expectations in check with this kind of ‘dance’, but that’s where I think you sound incredibly focused and self-aware.

    Love reading everything you share here.
    Lots of love to you!! xo



  251.  #251Liquid Light on October 14, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    I saw a segment on 60 Minutes last night. It was about the Citibank employee who saved all of the 105 Vietnamese employees at the bank during the invasion of Saigon by the North Vietnamese 40 years ago. When asked if he was upset about losing his job when he got back home (Citibank said that he would be fired if he kept pursuing rescuing the workers), he said that no, he was just “happy to be alive”.

    It really struck me!! What a concept!!! Just Happy To Be Alive! I love that. Its so simple! And powerful!



  252.  #252Mercedes on October 14, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    I don’t think Rori ever really answered this question from the post:

    “Basically I’m wondering if a Good man that I’m dating regularly will leave if I say I don’t want sexual exclusivity until engagement”

    In my opinion, most will. Not all of them though. And I’m only speaking from my own experiences. I do wonder how Rori feels about this.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  253.  #253Turquoise on October 14, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    FW, thanks for commenting back to me….

    Turq only you can decide if the relationship is important to you and what you are getting out of it. Maybe telling him “because this relationship is important to me” when he goes into his tirades, as part of telling him how you feel might make a difference. I dunno giving him a free pass just because he has abandonment issues is how your comment is kinda coming across for me.

    Thanks, I like the idea of saying… because this relationship is important to me. That feels like a strong way to start a conversation. I’m not giving any free passes. It’s not ok. My habit is to walk away though, rather than maybe work through something. I shared that he’s had these issues because he brings them up.



  254.  #254Turquoise on October 14, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    Indigo,

    You said…. For what it’s worth, if I could do things differently, I would acquire for myself the ability to step back when a man who says horrible things, or behaves badly is having a spell, if I still wanted him in my life because of his wonderful side.

    I believe the ability to pull yourself back and take yourself out of the equation, while communicating your feelings, sends a clear message to the guy about how you wish him to talk and behave when you are around. You can’t control how he treats other women or people, but I do believe to pull back and partially disinvest yourself in the moment is a valuable skill to have. It’s one I’d like for myself.

    I’m working on that, and it’s what I did. I shared how I felt in the conversation, and it just seemed to frustrate him more, so I did exactly that. I stepped back. It helped to be very busy and not focus on it too much, but mainly it’s the feeling that I can’t control what anyone else says or does, but I don’t have to stick around for it either. Thanks for sharing, definitely a good reminder and not one I always accomplish. I am better though, before I didn’t take time to think about what I wanted to say, just all came out of my mouth. THen, I’d regret it.



  255.  #255Shina on October 14, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    Lisa #232:

    ((hugs)) I know EXACTLY how you feel – feeling depressed and dejected – after reading Carol Allen’s articles on seasons of love (Saturn Cycle). I had my own Saturn Cycle reading done in 2010, and in all honesty, I expected my report to say that I was almost DONE with my “lonely season” since I spent a good part of my 20s in a crap ton of pain regarding my relationships. But my report actually said that I JUST entered my painful cycle (in 2009) and that I still had until 2017 until that love-blocking season was over.

    When I read my report, my first reaction was “WTF &*%$@?!!” When I saw I still had a ways to go, I became unbelievably depressed and bummed out for awhile. And then I rebelled against my report saying “F* it! I will create my own destiny and love.”

    But I have to tell you, SO MUCH of what’s in her report is SO true. I tried very hard to ignore and block out what was in my Saturn Cycle report, but in the end, 99% of what was in there all came true. Now where I am in my life, remembering the advice that she does give you in the report has been REALLY helpful and I go back to it whenever I feel lost.

    I just want to let you know I totally empathize with how you feel about what she says. But being where I am now, and my most painful Saturn Cycle being in full-swing at the moment……. if you take what she says as a “guideline” and take your “lonely season” like it was a “rainy season” in your life, you’ll find you do experience love but it will just be more challenging and requires more due diligence on your part (and your partner) than if you were in your “love season.”

    The biggest take-away for me in knowing my Saturn Cycle is to NOT take things too personally or feel like I’m “cursed” when so many “bad-luck” situations keep falling on my head (and trust me there’s a lot). Just know that if you’re in a Saturn Cycle (esp your moon sign or rising sign), you will be triggered a lot more and you will spend a great deal of time going within and doing a crap ton of internal work. On the outside it might not look like your life is moving forward that much (or if at all), because all the work you’ll be doing is internal. But you will DEFINITELY become a LOT stronger and more sure of who you are and what you want/don’t want in life. And Rori’s tools and programs are awesome for people in their “lonely seasons.”

    Don’t lose too much heart! All of us here on this blog are going through a “lonely” and “painful” period at some level – so you’re not alone!

    And I promise, it DOES get better and you’ll be so much more prepared for all the good things that are waiting to come into your life.



  256.  #256Turquoise on October 14, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    Sirenity, you shared…

    Turquoise..I am wondering why you feel the need to show him anything, or “teach” him something about women? How exactly are you trying to set yourself apart as “different” to what he appears to conclude about women. What part of you wants to do those things?

    *** I can see where trying to teach something could be habit for me, because I was a teacher and also have had fun creative jobs, where I demonstrate and teach as well. It seems he attracts a lot of people, family, women, etc. that have more toxic personalities. I guess I’m just confident that not all people are like that, and by being myself, (not that I’m perfect, but I’m not abusive and not have addictions or mental health issues) I’m hoping he’ll try and give people a chance, rather than expect the worst to happen. He usually says.. something like “women ……., but I’m not talking about you. You are different.” I don’t want to be judged because of my gender, or lumped in with a negative expectation because of what he’s experienced in the past. It might not be more than that. ******

    A rude and raw and belligerent man with a difficult childhood and lots of “work” to do on himself could be quite the ongoing challenge..in fact what part of you wants that challenge and feels the need to “prove” women can be good?

    **** I completely agree, it is challenging. It’s a rewarding relationship though too, and while I have no interest in proving all women can be good, I feel sad for him that he’s often frustrated or unhappy, and feel concerned for him. He is my friend, I care about him, just like all my friends, I want them to be happy. I see similar traits in him, with my ex-husband, of not feeling satisfied… so that could be a part of it. ****

    I am wondering how much of your energy goes into this “healing”process with this man? What would it mean to you if he was healed by your love?

    Last summer, when we first started spending time together, he got A LOT of my time, energy and attention. Not so much now. I feel more detached from helping him or trying to make everything better for him. I want him in my life, I hope we can maintain a long term friendship. But, not at the sake of my own happiness. Only if it will be a mutually beneficial relationship. I have always seemed to attract friends, all my life, whose lives were in turmoil. My nature is to be very supportive and encouraging. That’s why when I found Rori, I saw how terrible that could be for my own love life and happiness, because I was a pro at leaning forward and saving others. I’m sure I must get something out of it, but what I really believe, was that by being so focused on helping everyone else, it was a big distraction from my immediate life. They were worse off than me, I could justify it. In the meantime, my marriage fell apart, I’ve had friends take what they needed, fix themselves up, and then get busy with their own lives… while I still had my problems to deal with. This past year has been a big eye opener for me, and part of why I feel loyal to Mr. Conversation, is because he really opened my eyes to a lot about myself. I have made so much progress in my personal life, gotten rid of most of my clutter, I take a lot more time for my own wants and needs, rather than just over extend and lean forward and give. I am much better about maintaining a budget and fixing my own problems. Before, I thought I needed a man to save me and marry me, for me to ever get anywhere. He brought a lot of self awareness to me. Maybe it was the timing too… just a lot of things becoming clear at once.



  257.  #257Daria on October 14, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Merceds – me too. 🙂 will you try asking her?



  258.  #258Mercedes on October 14, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    I’ll give it a shot Daria. 🙂 Not sure I can do anything but I’ll ask…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  259.  #259Daria on October 14, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    Indigo I would feel so happy to hear you’re dating other men



  260.  #260Daria on October 14, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    Are you going to give this connection another couple years of your life?



  261.  #261Daria on October 14, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    Yay Mercedes 🙂



  262.  #262Turquoise on October 14, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    Tereana, thanks for writing to me too. 🙂 You said…

    Turquoise – I *just* saw your post from way up at #36 I think. That is important information that he had a bad experience with his mom. And so sad. But it seems like he probably *is* a great guy. He was mistreated, though, and he hasn’t really dealt with how this has affected him, and it hasn’t affected him well : (

    At this point, there would be nothing you can do to “show” or prove to him that not all women are vicious or untrustworthy. What he probably needs is either a support group, or expert help to really face and deal with the issues he is having, in order to be less “toxic” and more himself. But you can’t “make” him do this, either. He has to do it because he wants to. And you shouldn’t have to be there to hear him say negative things about women.

    *** I know he went to a therapist for awhile and worked through a lot of anger issues. From what he’s told me, he feels at peace with a lot of it, (it doesn’t feel that way to me) just won’t put himself in that position again. He has a wall up, doesn’t trust easily, trying not to get hurt again. Like a lot of us do… so I can relate. BUT, he doesn’t seem over a lot it me…. He still talks about wanting to get where he wants in life, and then rub it in their faces kind of thing. Which, makes me feel sad for him. I let a lot go though, so hard to relate to that if you hold a lot of those feelings in. ****

    Since you are friends, you can always stay friends. But you might be setting yourself up to get hurt if you continue to sleep with him, even casually or FWB. (This won’t increase his respect of women, or you, anyway.)

    *** It’s a rare occurrence, we talk a lot more about it than it actually happens. I’m not hoping he’ll respect me more because I’ve slept with him though. To me, it’s about my wants and needs, with someone I’m physically attracted to and feel safe with. Being single really sucks sometimes. He takes the edge off for me. I do go on dates and meet new people…. but I haven’t met anyone in quite awhile that I’ve wanted to be in any kind of relationship with. He know’s I’m a good person, a great mom, work hard… hopefully he respects me for those reasons.

    The best thing, if you want to say anything at all, would be maybe like, “sweetie, I love you and you are a good friend. But it feels hurtful to me when you say negative things about women. I know you had a really tough time with your mom and she didn’t treat you well. Have you ever thought about getting help for this? You don’t have to do it alone.” Or something like that. Express concern for him, but remember to take care of yourself.

    He might be mad. Most men don’t want to admit when they need help. But if you frame it this way, he can have a chance to consider it, and know that you are thinking about the big picture. Even if he doesn’t do it, or even if he’s mad, at least he will know how you feel. And to protect yourself emotionally, wait until you see a change in behavior or attitude before you even consider sleeping with him. That’s probably what I would do.

    What do you think?

    *** I don’t know how he would respond to my sharing that I felt he should get help to deal with his feelings about his mom and women. Probably not favorably, at least immediately. He does not like to be told what to do, and has said how much he hates it when someone does that. I could share that I’m concerned about him and want him to feel happier…. see what he thinks.



  263.  #263Indigo on October 14, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    Daria,

    You said “Are you going to give this connection another few years of your life?”

    Absolutely not. We’re not together. I’m not bound or tied to him in any way, shape or form. He is not anything to me now, just a friend, and one who is barely in my life at that.



  264.  #264Veronica on October 14, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    I was in a little pit of panic thinking how BM could be moving on and I wouldn’t know. Then I upended that panic by saying ‘No, this is about me having the relationship I need. I’m not moving from keeping that need front and center.’ I’m still feeling panicky though. Just not feeling very hopeful tonight.

    More stuff coming up from CDing
    I don’t want a ‘just for now’ conversation, I want to feel like exploration and openness is possible and a feeling that things are going SOMEWHERE. I don’t want a convo that just feebly hobbles along because there’s nothing else to say. This is also mixed in with how I want to feel that I get to make a real decision – getting stuck in small talk and no move to continue offline does not provide enough for me to choose to carry on with someone. And I dislike those kinds of decisions where I there’s so little that it’s not really a decision. I want to practice making a decision.

    I want a man to turn online to offline a lot sooner – this asking for my e-mail, my bbm, my etc contacts, I’m starting to feel frustrated and annoyed by. The point is to go offline.

    I want to see a bit of passion in a man – I’m just not feeling the interest in me. Ugh, not liking that at all.

    Just needed to get that out of my head.



  265.  #265Indigo on October 14, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    CurvySiren,

    Thanks for your beautiful kind words and your support, but I don’t see this as my journey with D any more. There is nothing between us, and I am living my life and I wish him well. It was a nice feeling to chat to him and see him, but he truly is not anything to me.

    xx



  266.  #266Indigo on October 14, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    Daria,

    Also, much as it may seem otherwise, this is about me. This has nothing to do with me and him. There is no me and him. I am living my own life now. He is just someone who once meant a great deal to me and about whom I have been doing a great deal of processing, so I was letting you guys know what had happened. He is in truth a very tiny part of my life now.

    Thank you for the concern, though. I feel loved. x



  267.  #267Turquoise on October 14, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    Thank you sirens for the help and encouragement on what to say to Mr. Conversation. It means a lot to me, and I love coming here because I appreciate it, and it’s great to hear other perspectives.

    This is what happened….. I did take a big step back, things were surfacy like I said… and Friday after work he texted me to see if we were doing anything fun and if we wanted to team up for the night. (our kids are friends for those who don’t know my friendship with him)

    He texted me this next:

    I didn’t mean to be sooooo mean Turquoise, …. I just get so annoyed by people. We’re too tight to break up over me being me 😉 but I’m sorry for being too me. (the whole thing started over comments he made to me and my friends on a facebook post I made about a school lock down)

    We did hang out that night and things feel ok. I’m glad I shared how I felt, and that he could say how he felt too…. I felt sad thinking we may not be friends because like I shared above, it’s easy for me to walk away from people, and I know he’s said the same. We value our friendship and are really good practice for each other. Having some space definitely helps keep a good perspective on everything though. And, while I appreciate his friendship, I dont want to be on the receiving end of anything toxic. Been there, done that… not ok for me.

    I have made some new local mom friends, which has been really good for me. Everyone thought he and I were a couple because we were always together, and since he was going through a divorce and I was new in town,…. I didn’t get approached by a lot of women. It’s been nice meeting new people and making new friends. I am enjoying it. In fact, the one mom introduced me to a guy friend of hers Saturday, that she invited to the game because she thought we should get to know each other. He seemed nice, needs a shave…lol… but I’d go out with him. I’ve never had anyone try and fix me up before…. it feels good. That she has known him so long and only me a few months, but thought we’d be a good match. It’s exciting. 🙂



  268.  #268Indigo on October 14, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    I guess I feel a bit frustrated and misunderstood. My posting on here about D seems to have made it seem as if I am in an imaginary relationship with him, and I’m not nor do I think I am. I was just processing and needed someone to talk to about the fact that he had contacted me and we had had lunch. We had not even seen each other in almost 6 weeks. There isn’t anything going on, we just caught up to say hi and chat. As friends.

    Love all of you ladies.



  269.  #269Mercedes on October 14, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    Indigo: I think it’s wonderful how far you’ve come. And also inspiring that you can get together with D and not feel the old stuff come back…that you can honestly say it is nothing. I like that. I’m happy for you. I think that’s how you know you’ve really left that relationship in the past and you’re having your own life. You know…when you’re not turning the meeting into anything more than what it is. It reminds me of some divorces where the former couple can honestly become friends and feel a sense of love and caring without needing it to be more than that. I find it inspiring. 🙂

    I think maybe I’m there with my ex. I don’t know though because we aren’t friends. We don’t fight or anything like that, but we just avoid each other at all costs. Neither wants anything romantic at all but I don’t think we could comfortably have lunch together. I did find out from my son that he’s getting married in a couple of weeks and I feel only happiness for him. So…I don’t know…maybe we could be friends someday.

    In any case, I am inspired by you today.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  270.  #270Zia on October 14, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    I had a huge aha moment recently…. listening to another summit call and it touched on comparing our relationship habits with our parents. And an example was of how a mother might have been perceived to be of the nagging sort, and how we take that, and decide we don’t want to be that way, so we don’t say ANYTHING about our needs for fear of requesting anything of a man be perceived as “nagging”. OH.MY.GOD. I had to pause the call for a moment because it literally felt like a wrecking ball smashed through the biggest wall that I had within me. That is EXACTLY it for me….. I’ve always known that I’ve felt resistant to asking anything of a man.. even down to voicing what I prefer in the bedroom or in general, but could never work out why. The why didn’t seem to matter, I just wanted to change it. But the why DID matter, because I see now that it’s NOT ME! It’s not my thing! It never has been! I feel so free!!!



  271.  #271Zia on October 14, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    And with my ex, I am finally in a place where I am able to just receive him as he is, with no expectations of anything more. We are just communicating via text, and that’s ok – at times he mentions meeting up, but then he backtracks either at the last minute… or says he’s concerned about my feelings…. I just mirror and respond. I tell him I really appreciate his concern, but I don’t push to catch up or push for anything beyond what he wants to give. In complete receive mode. And it doesn’t matter, because I don’t want anything more than he is willing to give. It feels REALLY good to just practise being me, being open, being receiving and having no expectations from him or any other man in my life right now.



  272.  #272Daria on October 14, 2013 at 5:30 pm

    Indigo – ok, well great! What about CDing tho lol that’s the important part. Are you putting yourself out there?



  273.  #273Femininewoman on October 14, 2013 at 5:36 pm

    Turquoise I felt very inspired and drawn in reading your comments about Mr. Conversation. It seems that relationship is important to you and have helped you to really see yourself. I am just wondering if you have considered inspiring him to see a side of himself that he does not know. A positive side of himself. I don’t know how you could do it but I believe that if you think about it and maybe set an intention your brain could likely find a way or identify opportunities for you.



  274.  #274Femininewoman on October 14, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    Indigo I love how you come across confident about where you are. He popped back up after 6 weeks. Impressive!!



  275.  #275Turquoise on October 14, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    Thanks FW. I try to be positive and encouraging, especially about his business ideas because success is very operant to him. I compliment his parenting and sometimes he’s so motivating, I think he could be a life coach. He’s very clear about what he wants and needs. It’s a good mirror for me to think about those things for myself, and like I have said… Such good practice! I’ll think about it and see how maybe I can inspire him too. Thanks FW!



  276.  #276Lisa on October 14, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    @ Indigo… I totally got that from your posts, you have no other intentions with “D” other than friendship… and I’m very happy for you!!! ( it triggers me so I haven’t responded)… and to answer @Daria question, if I may, I feel she is circle dating from what I’ve read… spa’s and horseriding with men… that totally is c’dating to me… I’m jealous..

    I had a huge, huge realization today… but I’m not feeling comfortable sharing this right now… I feel that any interference might stop the process..

    However I will say my inner self or my inner child not sure… at what age it was.. was totally having a tantrum today… and I allowed it.. and talked it out, screamed it out… the anger… the waiting all I’ve been through that I deserve this one thing I’ve ask for my whole life… and then I took my child fishing and it was wonderful! Peaceful, loving and contentment… and as we were leaving, I though to myself…. “my life”… this is it! I’m full….

    Whom ever comes into my life will have to be pretty amazing… cuz, my life is so full… he’ll have to wiggle his way in…

    XOXOX



  277.  #277Lisa on October 14, 2013 at 6:19 pm

    @Zia I totally get that.. though I didn’t have a nagging mom… I was taught to not ask for what I want from a man… to only just be happy with what he gives…. and to give them what they want…

    but I totally KNOW what you mean.. I have the same issue… totally!!! I become so shy… and I can’t speak…

    I don’t know how men perceive that, but it sure it hard for me to ask for what I want and need….

    Today has been such a great day for ah ha!

    OXOXO



  278.  #278Sarah on October 14, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    Hello Sirens,

    This is my second post. I’m feeling scared and abandoned at the moment. I’ve been CD’ing for a couple of months now but have just lost my job a couple weeks ago. I really enjoyed this job and felt very lucky but it was temporary, and now I have to get a new one at a time of year which has always proved to be notoriously stressful for me.

    However I’ve also noticed I’m not being contacted so much by the guys I’m dating. I gave my first ever ‘no girlfriend’ speech to Ben the other week who I’ve been seeing for a while. I always practice feeling messages on him but he keeps asking questions that keeps the connection on a mental plain. We have not had any real intimacy. I felt triggered by some of his responses to my speech but kept to the script and tried to remain calm. He texted 20 minutes after this date ended to ask for another date Saturday just gone, but never followed up with a time or place. I suspect it’s from contemplating the revelation that I’m dating other guys, but he’s never asked for any kind of commitment and I didn’t even realise he considered us to be in a relationship until I mentioned the word ‘date’ the other week. I know I shouldn’t take this being dumped personally… as all it probably means is a lucky escape from someone who thought I was going to be convenient to date with minimum investment, but it still rattles my faith. Faith is something I have always felt challenged to feel within myself. I wasn’t really into Ben that much but I’m scared now that maybe other guys in the future (that I really do like) will respond the same way to the CD’ing.

    There is another guy who I really do feel a strong physical and emotional connection with and have for some time now… but I also feel this situation is faltering too. I have been dating Jon off and on for the past 6 months. We had been working together until a couple of weeks ago. We started dating again a month ago after a 4 month split… and I thank Rori’s programmes for that. He has treated me a lot better since I’ve been using the tools i.e. – inviting me round for dinner, requesting I attend his first live gig in years which he felt nervous about etc… We are intimate but not fully intimate. This was an issue in the beginning because this aspect moved ahead way too quickly before I was ready, and I hadn’t dated before in 4 years. It screwed up my vibe. I’ve explained that I don’t want to engage in full intimacy again unless I can feel that I’m with someone who can be there for me and serious commitment is on the table as an option. I explained that I can start to feel attached when things get too physical and don’t want to then find out commitment was never an option. I only volunteered this information after he asked me what I meant by ‘more’ when responding that I would need more before allowing myself to be fully vulnerable in this way. He has respected this boundary even though he finds it difficult at times. I always feel desired and so happy when we are together. Jon has remarked that the way we are together feels very compatible. I myself have never felt this compatible with anyone before, and I have been dating on and off for 15 years… but I’ve noticed that the text messages and dates are becoming less frequent as the month progresses. It’s been 4 days since he’s sent a text. I have abandonment issues and I have been feeling very scared over the weekend. When he did text last week it was to confirm he was too tired to see me last Thursday. I didn’t text back because he never asked me to. I’ve been following the practice of resisting over-functioning by not initiating contact and only responding to messages if a question has been asked. But now I’m wondering if it was a mistake in this case, and should I of thanked him for letting me know about the cancellation? He works 56 hours a week and is very much involved in the upbringing of his young son from a previous relationship. It may be that I have to accept that he will never be able to give ‘more’. Should I text and ask

    ‘Is something wrong? I’m feeling this distance. Are you mad at me?”

    I know it’s against the rules to initiate, but I feel like I’m losing an opportunity to reveal something here that is creating a block and not being expressed. What do you think ladies?

    I’d hoped that once I got a handle on Rori’s programmes I’d be able to stop this kind of disconnect from happening and keep encouraging Jon to step up. I’ve been actively CD’ing as much as possible, but he is the one I’ve always wanted. Now that I’m in-between jobs I’m staying in a lot more and don’t have so many opportunities to meet new guys to CD with and stay sane. I’m trying to work through this feeling of abandonment by good fortune, affection, and hope… and trying not to feel very lost. I know these feelings won’t last but it doesn’t feel good, and I’m just hoping it doesn’t continue for too much longer 🙁



  279.  #279Lisa on October 14, 2013 at 6:36 pm

    Quick question for the siren’s…

    Ok so “J2” quick overview

    we met on OK cupid… he was going to call fri,sat, or sunday.. this was a long while ago.. he didn’t call, he then apologized and said he was mustering up the courage to call could he call the next night.. I said, I feel good about hearing your voice… ok he was going to call me… he didn’t..

    a couple of weeks went by.. he e-mailed me and apologized again.. said he had read the book attached ( he and I both love human behavior) and was sorry for not calling me sooner.. said “say the word and I’ll call” ok I accepted his apology and he texted me… I didn’t reply b/c he said he would call, and frankly I was on a trip and was too busy… the then e-mailed me and ask that I give him times during that week he could call… I did.. he didn’t call until a week later, I was on the phone with another man… and just got home and was swamped …

    he said in his voice mail… I’ll try and call you tomorrow… Ok he didn’t call… again.. so I’ve just not even really worried about him or calling him back, b/c I’ve been so busy this week.. and I just have forgotten..

    Frankly I was just going to let him GO,, since it appears already he has issues with follow through.. and he is a marriage counselor…

    but then I remembered what Rori said about when a man contact you.. or leans in.. respond back.. but here is the thing he didn’t say call me back when you can…

    sooooo…. since I’m suppose to be exposing myself to many men here… what is the protocal here? Do I lean in and call him back, since its a week later, or drop it… since he is showing me already he isn’t reliable?

    Any advice?

    OXXOX



  280.  #280CurvySiren10 on October 14, 2013 at 7:08 pm

    Hi Indigo~ sorry if I misunderstood anything. I felt from previous posts that you still had a lot of feelings and processing to do with D. I actually wasn’t sure what it meant when you posted about the messaging and lunch and was just extremely curious where you were with things.

    I’m right there with Mercedes in terms of how inspirational and impressive it’s been to witness YOUR journey…forget the part about D lol. I am inspired and impressed with your self-awareness and personal evolution.

    Again, sorry if I misunderstood or caused you any discomfort. xo



  281.  #281Zia on October 14, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    Lisa – he could be clueless?? you could probably try calling him once and see what happens… if you chat, great if you get his voicemail, leave a message and see what he does. if he continues to be unreliable let it go. i probably wouldn’t even bother with that myself but if you want to give him a chance…



  282.  #282Lisa on October 14, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    @Zia I know … I was thinking that too, but then he told me he was a marriage and relationship counselor…

    and he told me he was a secure in the attached book… so I’m thinking hummm

    Well I’m happy to let him go, he is long distance.. I was only going to give it a try b/c I’m suppose to be practicing on men, and right now my c’dating has slowed down….

    I was totally excited to meet him in the beginning…. he and I have that same interest in books…. and deep intellectual conversation..

    but the red flag came up when he e-mailed me to apologize and in that same e-mail started ranting about his last GF who was an avoidant.. Bingo! Same story with me.. men want me to help them heal their past GF hurts… so that turned me off! I politely said, “though not to get into past relationships, I’ve had my share of avoidants too”… I noticed things changed after that… so yes, I think it is a big sign, wounded man..

    OXOXO



  283.  #283Zia on October 14, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    Lisa – sounds like it 🙂 the lesson might simply still be to recognize these men early on.



  284.  #284Lisa on October 14, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    @Shina

    I hear you… I get it.. Thanks for replying… <3

    I didn't get a love block actually I have hearts by my timeline from 7/26/12 to 10/29/14.. and then on from there…. I'm not that great at reading astrology..

    If I may vent on this topic! :

    It gave me from 5/23/12- 7/26/12 to get married .. or then wait until I'm 62.. seriously! I f'king missed the boat?!!! I didn't even date those months I took that time off to be with my girls ( I didn't know I should be looking hard those months) I hadn't met anyone much less to marry… that sucks!!! It says I can be with someone only if I met them in those 2 mos… ??

    it says that marriage not until I'm 62…

    I guess I'm in the ending part of my marry myself stage…. if I read it correctly..

    Here is the thing, I'm 50. I've been through so much lonely season since I was a child… and I've gone without a BF or lover to spells of over 5 years at a time… I've had very little sex.. in my life and I'm a sexual woman… thats horrible… ( if I was a women that didn't care that much about sex it would be fine, but I'm not)

    I'm so scared she is right! I can't breathe… sex at 62 might be good but it won't be like it would be now…

    and to tell someone like me, after going through all the healing I've done for the past 20+ years deep deep healing and work that I have 12 more years.. … but that is more than 3/4 of my life… that is more than depressing….

    I sure hope your right I can still have love!!!

    Though I don't know about "the one"..??? Apparently I missed that time period according to her. b/c frankly… I wanted to die! SErioulsy! I mean I've moved mountains and mountains to get where I'm ready for a healthy, good man!!! That's like asking someone that just survived the Holistic to now you have to climb Mount Everest…to get to your "the one"… I'm so angry!!! I'm hurt! It hurts so bad…. I can't bare it… it's a deep deep hurt that I can't describe…

    I'm sure not down playing what your going through, I can certainly empathize.. for sure.. totally!!!! I'm just venting…

    I'm feeling like someone just ripped my heart out and threw it to mars…

    I hate this.. I really do…
    I feel fu..ked!!! I feel cursed!!! and I feel like the stars haven't been on my side my whole life… I've felt that same struggle most all my life..

    My whole life up til recently has been a lonely season…I've worked my ass off to get out of my lonely season…..

    Sorry!!!!! I just needed to get this off my shoulders…

    OXOXOX



  285.  #285Zia on October 14, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    Lisa – I can totally understand your frustration!!! Mine basically said right now was a more depressed time of my life and it’s totally the opposite. I put the report away and went on doing what I’m doing 🙂



  286.  #286Lisa on October 14, 2013 at 8:23 pm

    @Zia <3 That's so comforting to hear! <3 Well since I've moved mountains before, I can do it again I guess and turn on my vibe and draw him in…

    Sorry about the venting… I usually don't get that graphic.. it's just been bubbling underneath for several days now…

    Thanks I feel so loved by you all! thanks for allowing me to vent and cry and scream at times.. I've never had that before…

    XOXOX



  287.  #287Zia on October 14, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    No its totally OK Lisa!!! I felt really dismayed when I read mine too, especially when it was indicating that the times with my long term ex were meant to be the best times and they were the most challenging times of my life!! Too many discrepancies for me so I decided it wasn’t for me.



  288.  #288Zia on October 14, 2013 at 8:33 pm

    Lisa – it might be worth seeing a vedic astrologer for a proper personalised reading & report (rather than one just generated from birth data) if you are finding yourself stuck because of the report you got? They might be able to be more specific. Even Carol Allen says that she tries to cover EVERYTHING that might be in her reports….

    At the start of the report she even says:
    “Remember – This Is Just One Aspect Of Your Chart, And Your Life. Astrology is complicated and vast. At any one time there will be many conflicting influences, for both good and bad, impacting many different areas of your life at once. A good astrologer will weigh all celestial forces to make accurate predictions, knowing that it can be misleading and even dangerous to isolate just one thing going on, as doing so can give a person false hope for great things, or false fear of disaster and doom. There are numerous stellar influences happening at all times, and all are important, and all will prove to be true.”

    So maybe go and get a full reading from someone and it might give you some more peace? xx



  289.  #289Lisa on October 14, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    @Zia Thanks! really ! that is so comforting to hear… <3

    I don't know about discrepancy..I was so heartbroken…. but after sitting with it and remembering when my youngest was born the nurse said, I'll call time of birth at 5:05 and she didn't even know the exact time.. she just guessed.. b/c she was so busy with us…

    then I realized how on earth could a method that is suppose to be so exact be built on a time that might not even be right?

    So, I'm calmer now… thanks for listening!!! <3

    XOXOXO



  290.  #290Zia on October 14, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    Lisa – I know!!! Apparently there’s some way with the vedic astrologers to find out your birth time for you when you have a personal session. My own time is based around what my mum thinks it was from memory.. She doesn’t even know for sure! When I asked the support team about it they said they needed the exact time of birth else it can mean a completely different report. So yours might not even be right anyway xx



  291.  #291Lisa on October 14, 2013 at 8:52 pm

    @Zia

    Great I’ll remember that… when my youngest gets older, I’ll write a note on her BC to remind me just in case she wants a reading…

    Your right! b/c I was born in a very small town with people that really didn’t care what time you were born.. so who knows.. really it’s crazy to base my life on something that the nurse got wrong 50 years ago…

    I think I’ll do what you did and throw it in the drawer… and I don’t want to step on AprilRose ‘s toes.. I do believe in Astrology.. and I use it some, but for this one thing, I think I’ll decide to not pay attention to it… since I can’t know for sure the time is correct..

    Big hugs!!!

    OXOXOXO



  292.  #292AK on October 14, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    Hi Mercedes,

    @ 252… I agree…. and also, a woman who chose not to be sexually exclusive with a man until engagement would have to (presumably?) accept the same from a man until such time as he proposes (I guess, if all things are fair & even). I’m not sure that most men who are sleeping with multiple partners are at a point in life where they are ready to propose to a woman? Just a thought I had & I may be wrong though just speaking from own experience 🙂



  293.  #293Tereana on October 14, 2013 at 9:44 pm

    Lisa – I felt intrigued by your question in 215. And I think Dominique had a good answer. Because the question you are looking for may not be to the question your asking. That is, I’m not sure if your propensity to “fix,” heal, grow yourself, etc. is going to attract certain types of men, necessarily. It may drive you to want to “fix” them, heal them, etc. You may expect them to be likewise obsessed with healing and growing, and you might feel disappointed in them if they are not. Or you might (and I’m familiar with this feeling) feel slightly jealous of them for NOT feeling the need to fix, heal grow, or otherwise work on themselves. Even if they are very imperfect. Labeling it an “addiction” might not be helpful for you either.

    Obsessing about it is probably just getting in the way of you showing up, exactly how you are, however that is. Including if you like fixing, healing & growing yourself. But accepting that that is just you, and not a universal imperative or expectation to have of others. Just accepting yourself, so that you can accept the other person.

    Does that make sense? I liked your question. It really made me think…



  294.  #294blue rose on October 14, 2013 at 9:46 pm

    this article was super helpful. started dating a guy who after 1 date asked me to be his gf. way too soon for me.

    we are still dating – we have been together for 2 months now. He hasn’t been asking me to be his gf lately, but told me that he is treating me like a gf, he is not dating anyone else. we are sexually exclusive. he said the advice he got from his friends was to give me space and time.

    I’ve been wondering about this exact point – what do i do if I get asked out by someone else? I’m not ready to give up all my options, although no one else is asking me out. and I think about Rori’s diva and how she should be able to grab all the arrows and enjoy it.

    so I think if someone else asks me out I’m going to say yes. I am not sure if I should tell the guy I’m dating about other dates.



  295.  #295Tereana on October 14, 2013 at 9:56 pm

    Turquoise – 262 ~ Yes, I agree. Expressing that you feel concerned and you want him to be happy could be a way to go.

    Since he’s already been in therapy, he probably wouldn’t take that suggestion too well. Maybe don’t make any suggestions.

    And it sounds like you are really close to this guy. And I can’t be in your life or know what you are experiencing. Do you need more boundaries with him? The bottom line is, you can’t really expect him to change, even if you rely want him to. I guess, if you care about him, just keep that I’m mind, and let your intuition guide you.

    I know, not much of advice. But we’re not supposed to give advice here anyway ; )



  296.  #296Tereana on October 14, 2013 at 9:59 pm

    Zia – that is so awesome! I love your “aha” in 270!! 🙂



  297.  #297Tereana on October 14, 2013 at 10:11 pm

    Hi Blue Rose – welcome! 🙂

    A couple of questions: what does it mean, he “says” he’s treating you like his girlfriend? Do YOU think he’s treating you like a girlfriend (according to how you want to be treated, that is)?

    And also, do you feel authentic right now? That is, you’ve been dating for two months and you are sexually exclusive. Are you withholding commitment in order to try to “get” something, or are you genuinely not ready to commit? Do you want to commit to him in the future? How do you feel with him?

    These should help you find your answers. And if you really aren’t sure, then you don’t need to push yourself. That’s what CDing is for. Yes, go out with other guys. Flirt with them. Have fun and remember how attractive you are. No, I wouldn’t tell the guy that you are doing it. Most men don’t enjoy hearing that. Just pay close attention to how you feel…

    Hope that helps!



  298.  #298Tereana on October 14, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    Having a self-care night/evening.

    I had an offer of a “cuddle date,” but he ended up getting some extra work and couldn’t make it till later. I think he’s sad he couldn’t make it. He sent me a sad face. Lol

    I didn’t respond. I was cheerful earlier. Just told him it was no problem, we could meet up another time. And I meant it – even though I was looking forward to cuddles 🙂

    Now I’m in bed, and I’m not that tired and my feet are cold. I kind of wish I’d said yes, because I would live some cuddles right about now. But I really feel tired also. And 9 pm is too late for me to start a date.

    I think I’m just maybe struggling with guilt feelings over holding my boundary. But there’s nothing good that would come of me “changing my mind.” He says he understood. I bet he’d like to be here if he could be.

    All I need to do is let go now. He’s got this. He knows how to do it. And he’ll make things happen. It’s in his nature 🙂

    I am feeling more surrender and acceptance lately. And it’s all going to be okay….



  299.  #299Tereana on October 14, 2013 at 10:20 pm

    Lisa – re: 292 ~ I meant to say that the answer you’re looking for might be to a different question… Cheers : )



  300.  #300Millie on October 14, 2013 at 11:22 pm

    Sooo in my last post I said I was going to take a break from dating…then I met two new guys saturday and went on a date with one tonight!

    I notice that I have an ebb and flow of feeling confident and goddess-like to feeling low, shaky, and unstable. Like the ocean, the tide flows in and out of me between these two feelings. A man may trigger the shift or just something else in life. Stepping back and seeing this flow in me–I realize that while a man may trigger my low feelings, this ebb and flow is isolated from him. I have been treating my feelings to be about whatever incident occurred, when in reality it is my own internal rythm. Next time I feel that way I really want to focus the ebb and flow of my feelings and not associate them to another person. (Unless it is truly caused by another person’s action.) I know I will feel those low, insecure, shaky feelings again, but it doesn’t mean I’m failing at being a goddess or failing at dating, or any sort of failure…it’s just my ocean inside that needs soothing. I’ve been so hard on myself instead of accepting this ebb and flow. I’m neither one nor the other. I’m not confident always and I’m not insecure always..I’m both and there is no “less than” in being that.

    I’m also seeing that since I’ve been dating pretty frequently I’ve gone on a lot of great dates. I’ve felt a lot of connections with men…and I see now how “regular” that is. It’s almost as if my bar or definition of what a true “connection” was was so low that I latched on to it believing it was true. Stepping back–I see now that the connection that will lead to a relationship is even deeper and more immense than the connections I’ve been feeling. It’s almost as if now, my bar and definition of what a true connection is has raised to a level that I probably haven’t experienced yet. And I see now how I’ve been thinking/feeling that these dates and connections were so great when in reality they are the tip of the iceberg of what a truly great connection is. I feel like I’ve stepped up a couple rungs on a ladder, from being “in” the connection to being above and seeing these connections as ground level with room to grow up. I hope that makes sense…it does to me metaphorically.

    I feel much better than I did a few days ago. I really want to treat the next ebb of my emotions differently.



  301.  #301Millie on October 14, 2013 at 11:32 pm

    I also realize that there is no “taking a break from dating.” That if I truly wanted that for myself, I’d be choosing to hide myself, choosing to hide my inner glow in fear of being on the line again. I feel that it is impossible for my light not to shine through and backwards to try to prevent it. Why would I want that? I went out with weekend very confident and independent, without looking for anything, just being out and people were drawn to me. I had two men trying to be with me at the bar and even a woman that invited me to join her friends. It feels good to experience and know that whatever mistakes I’ve made and am upset at myself for…it’s never the end of the world, it’s not the death of your vibe, it’s just mistake, a seed in an orange. The whole orange isn’t bad. It’s also good to feel that no matter what mistakes I’ve made, there is always another man who would love to take you out. He looks at you and doesn’t see your mistakes, he sees you for who are you are in front of him. Not only is it a clean slate, but its invigorating to feel goddessy again…and the mistake never existed.



  302.  #302Andrea on October 14, 2013 at 11:39 pm

    A couple of experiences that I am having. I have made a big shift in my ground level attraction point. I’ve always attracted a certain kind of man and I have clung to him and been needy and emotionally spent trying to figure out how to keep him.
    This kind of man is judgmental, cool, stand offish, hard to please, and emotionally unavailable. Over and over again, I attract this kind of man.
    Over and over again I get entangled in an exhausting mess in which I am constantly chasing love.
    What I have done this time is to finally dump the man that makes me feel this way, and allow.. allow.. not chase… other men to come into my life. I have cut off all contact from the man who made me feel insecure and inadequate, and have simply sat back and observed my feelings when other men come into my life.
    One man who has been a semi-friend in my crowd has suddenly started showing interest in me. He has come over numerous times to kill spiders, lend me a key board, bring wine, give me a massage, and finally we had sex.. actually, he gave me an orgasm or two, and then when he started to give me some demanding instructions about how I could “get him off”.. I suddenly didn’t feel so sexy or romantic anymore.
    I stopped. I said, “You’re not offering me a relationship, or love, or even money….. are you??”
    He said, “No, I thought we could just be fwb.”
    I said, “Well, I’ve got my benefits. Thank you. I really enjoyed this, but I’m tired now.”
    He thought that was really selfish of me and he begged me to finish, but I told him where the shower was and asked him to leave.
    Yes, it was cold of me. But I’m starting to find this place where I’m true to my feelings all the time.
    I thought that he would be so turned off that I’d never hear from him again. Quite the contrary: he has texted every night. Telling me where he is, asking if I’ll come hear his band play, asking me what I’m doing, sending pictures of what he is doing…

    He had stated to me, before we even had physical contact that he wasn’t interested in a relationship because there were just too many middle aged women that he was having lots of fun with. I don’t feel emotionally attached to him at all. We had some fun, I got an orgasm…. nice….

    But he keeps wanting to repeat the opportunity. I told him tonight that he could bring me over some wine and a diet coke and I was out of toilet paper, so he could bring me a role of that, but I didn’t want to entertain so he’d have to drop it off. He called me a bad tease… but then HE DID IT!! Just to see me.

    Another man I’m dating bought me tickets to an ice hockey game for this Friday night. Of course I want to go with him. But an old boyfriend from down south has promised to come up and pay for my truck that needs to be repaired.
    Neither one of these men…. again… have anything emotionally with me, we aren’t even intimate. They just like me and want to date me.
    So I told them both, “I’m hanging with this man on Friday night, he’s taking me to a hockey game. I’m hanging with this other man on Friday afternoon, he’s paying for the repairs on my truck.”

    Both guys agreed, not only that we would all hang out and go to the hockey game together, but they bought tickets for my two sisters as well so that all five of us could have a great time Friday night, and plus… my truck will finally be fixed. !!!!

    I think that this is happening because I’m finally over feeling bad about myself and attracting men who make me feel bad about myself. Sure, I haven’t found THE ONE yet, but I am feeling very pampered and attractive, and wanted, by all these other men.

    While the man that I was hooked on, hasn’t contacted me at all. Isn’t that strange?? Why was I hooked on him? Not because he loved me so much and wanted my happiness and wanted me to feel safe and adored. It was because I was used to feeling rotten about myself and I needed a man who gave me what I was used to.

    I’m shifting into a new paradigm. It’s been very difficult to realize that I AM THE ONE who needed to change my awareness and my point of attraction would change with me.



  303.  #303Millie on October 14, 2013 at 11:52 pm

    Andrea–I just love reading your posts 🙂
    I love hearing about your transformation! I can’t imagine telling a man-“I got mine, now I’m tired there is the shower!” I mean wow!! How powerful is that….I can’t even orgasm no matter how hard a guy tries… doesn’t mean I give them anything back sometimes, only if I want to, but WOW that gives a whole new meaning to FWB!!



  304.  #304angela on October 15, 2013 at 12:00 am

    I love your post Andrea, feels so inspiring. I feel your energy is so strong, i’m loving it.



  305.  #305Emerson on October 15, 2013 at 12:10 am

    284 Lisa
    First of all ((((Lisa)))) sorry for your loneliness I truly am….I’ve gone through long periods myself feeling very alone and solitary …missing sex and closeness …. It CAN change…

    At risk of offending people, that prediction is a bunch of bullcrap. It’s making you think it’s your true destiny. It is not.
    YOU can choose to believe and create differently.

    Love,
    ❤ Emerson



  306.  #306Emerson on October 15, 2013 at 12:11 am

    I’m really sticking to this idea of mirroring …I like it…



  307.  #307Zia on October 15, 2013 at 1:18 am

    305: It makes such a huge difference doesn’t it? if we mirror the effort that the man is putting in/leading then we don’t have the chance to get over invested or higher than is realistic expectations. it is what it is. what i’m finding at the moment, is by doing this with a couple of different guys, having the different guys to compare to really makes the ones who aren’t stepping up stand out.



  308.  #308Veronica on October 15, 2013 at 1:23 am

    Millie – I really enjoy what you’ve written here : )



  309.  #309Veronica on October 15, 2013 at 1:52 am

    I noticed that I’ve been wanting one of the dating site men to suggest a date and I’m choosing him first to respond to as opposed to practicing first person who suggests is the first person who I date/respond to. I need to clear that because I know where that’ll lead me.

    I like being flirted with, being called gorgeous etc. And I really like his masculine energy, it turns me on. FIRE! Fever/heat in HIS eyes type of thing. And it’s not a sex thing nor an ‘on heat’/horny thing, it’s his energy – I’ve noticed for years that there’s a particular energy that I love, that just gets me onto a different level. It’s like a mix of devotion and passion and sexiness and a waiting readiness to just give that with all of himself – and I feel it with him when he’s talking with me. Part of me is nervous that it’s just old patterns, but for the fact that I haven’t experienced this so openly as it is now being shown. I wonder if I’m just being sweet-talked. But yeah we’ll see if his energy is what I feel it is. CultureCD has a bit of this but he’s not letting it loose, maybe my nervousness is a factor or I’m just a friend. I would be in such awe if I saw this raw energy – I know I have been whenever I saw it through the years, but it’s only been directed at me for short periods of time.

    I want to express my meltiness but I feel afraid that it’ll just turn into a sex thing. I don’t want a sex thing, I want an adoration thing. Actually, being kissed by him is pretty much what I want to surrender to now. I know if I do say how he’s affecting me that he’ll jump to schedule a date with me and drive across town which will just turn me on more. I’m already feeling all turned on. Breathe. I wish I could say these without it sounding like I want sex.



  310.  #310Syreena on October 15, 2013 at 2:00 am

    Personally don’t know of and cannot see any man with high self worth and looking for a marraige partner offering to marry a woman who is sleeping around with other men. Or being ok with her sleeping with other men why he only sleeps with her. So he is supposed to share her with other men sexually but she doesn’t want to share him.
    A man of high self worth is just not going to put up with that.



  311.  #311Femininewoman on October 15, 2013 at 2:57 am

    Hi Blue Rose. Questions that came to me were how do you feel about yourself when you are around him and not with him? What else is he offering you aside from being your boyfriend? What are you looking for in a relationship?



  312.  #312Emerson on October 15, 2013 at 5:20 am

    Sirens my date is cancelled. It was a dud. We were texting and he was very sexually forward and I expressed I felt uncomfy and after that it was downhill ….
    Oh we’ll it’s ok.



  313.  #313Emerson on October 15, 2013 at 5:23 am

    306 yes zia,
    I am ready to give more and have a relationship but yes mirroring is keeping me grounded.

    I’m focusing on myself now and seeing what else comes my way on the dating sites.

    CutecityCD has been quiet. It’s ok tho.



  314.  #314Dominique on October 15, 2013 at 6:15 am

    Lisa – 277 – This is can STILL easily be me, shyness, fear of speaking up. Even after all of these years, even knowing K DOES NOT respond as people in my past did, this can come up for me. It’s far easier for sure, yet it’s still there. And this isn’t a negative thing. Shyness to YOUR the one will be endearing to him. He may or may not attempt to coax things out of you, and it doesn’t matter. The safer you feel, the easier it becomes to express yourself, even down to your deeper, what seems to you darker secret parts.

    Scripting ahead of time when something is on your mind, especially when you are new to speaking up can be hugely helpful.

    xxoo



  315.  #315Dominique on October 15, 2013 at 6:42 am

    Sarah – 278 – This man has a lot on his plate. And four days is not very long in boy time. Please do your best to take your focus off of him, and put it back on you. Immerse yourself in job hunting, and in between take the time to take really good care of you, beauty rituals, good books and/or movies, anything which makes you feel good, which fills you up. Spend time with people who make you smile and laugh.

    He will come around, or he won’t. You really have no control over this, yet the best chance you have is getting your energy off of him. And if he isn’t able to give you the relationship you want, someone else will.

    xxoo



  316.  #316Linda on October 15, 2013 at 6:52 am

    I guess I spoke to soon. FavoriteCD popped back on my radar. He text me pics with captions he typed under them of us over the last year. This morning a Good Morning at 4:50 AM (when he knew I would be up getting ready for work).

    I have been reflecting and reading the blog this morning when I while I am working (shhhh dont tell)

    I came across some posts to and from Turquoise I had a light bulb moment! This is what I have been dealing with almost exactly!!!. A good man with toxic behavior. Spews at people behind the wheel, women, throws tyraids…etc etc.

    It feels AWESOME to know that I have grown to the point that I will not put up with bad behavior just for the sake relationship!! YEAH for ME! Doing a happy dance today instead of being sad that relationship is not working out is kind of mind boggling for me.

    Yesterday I told FavoriteCD … I cannot make a commitment to a relationship where I face retribution when I share with him. and that as things are now, I do not see a rewarding healthy relationship flourishing between us.

    When I read what Turquoise was saying and responses to her… I feel inspired. I certainly do not want to go into “fix it” mode. I like how girl energy feels much more than boy energy. I know HE has to do the work… I like the line…”because this relationshop is important to me…”

    How does one inspire ?



  317.  #317Dominique on October 15, 2013 at 7:21 am

    Lisa – 284 – “sex at 62 might be good but it won’t be like it would be now…”

    No it won’t be like now. It could very well be better.

    Please try not to look at this report as your written in stone destiny. Astrology can be right on, and it can also be way off. It can be fun, and it can totally mess you up. I don’t want you to feel bad over this which has been shown to be unreliable and certainly not something to resign yourself to. A few women have already said here that you can create your own destiny. I think this is so.

    xxoo



  318.  #318Dominique on October 15, 2013 at 7:28 am

    Andrea – 301 – SO awesome. 🙂

    xxoo



  319.  #319Lisa on October 15, 2013 at 7:32 am

    @Dominique # 316

    I guess… sex might be better? I’ve not heard that… but it is possible..

    and yes, I think I mentioned that also prior… and my post was just venting about how it felt to read it…and what it felt like to allow all my feelings to surface around it… and sorry if it was alarming or offensive.. it was just my tantrum on the subject..ie venting.. I know so many people that live their lives by astrology.. so I think it is hard for me ( but I’m working on it) to just ignore what is says..

    Thanks for the support! <3



  320.  #320Dominique on October 15, 2013 at 7:46 am

    Lisa – Why not? I’ve heard of many couples still having amazing sex well beyond their sixties.

    xxoo



  321.  #321Indigo on October 15, 2013 at 9:18 am

    Ah CurvySiren,

    You could never cause me discomfort. I love that you are curious, it made me feel very loved. In truth, I do still have feelings for D but I have let the idea of him and me go. I have no expectations and I am very well aware of the fact that the relationship has ended. I wish him well. I am excited to see what my own life holds 🙂



  322.  #322Indigo on October 15, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Mercedes,

    Thank you. I feel extremely happy that I inspired you.

    I truly cannot bear there to be bad blood between me and anyone I have loved. It would be lovely if D and I could be friends.

    I am not so sure he is there yet. But I am trying to be thankful for small mercies. Lunch yesterday was pleasant.

    x



  323.  #323Indigo on October 15, 2013 at 9:25 am

    Daria,

    I am CDing, just not romantically with men. I am spending time with guy friends, practicing being feminine and open, filling my life with as many joyful activities as I can… I just don’t feel open to romance yet.



  324.  #324Indigo on October 15, 2013 at 9:29 am

    Feminine Woman,

    Thank you. I truly feel proud of how far I’ve come, even though some days it feels hard. He actually popped back up after less than a week after our break up, but it took us this long to actually see each other again. He has taken this harder in some ways than I have, and his doubt and pain and mixed feelings were still apparent to me yesterday. I felt compassion for him, and yet at the same time I battled to understand it. Oh well.



  325.  #325Indigo on October 15, 2013 at 9:30 am

    Thank you so much Lisa 🙂 And yes, I certainly am circular dating in my own way. Much love to you



  326.  #326Turquoise on October 15, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Thanks T… Probably one of the biggest changes I have made is taking a step back, giving space and not responding right away. I know it’s made a huge difference in my relationships. I know I can’t change him, but I can use effective communication to express myself and take space as needed.

    We are really close. Our lives have meshed. Our 10 year olds are best friends. My mom died, his grandma died. We’ve been there. It’s strange sometimes having a guy friend… With blurred lines when it comes to what we are… But it’s working most of the time. I feel better that he apologized and glad we worked through it. Maybe if it happens again, we’ll remember how it went this time.



  327.  #327CurvySiren10 on October 15, 2013 at 9:56 am

    Emerson~ 304. I agree!!! Sorry Lisa…I don’t want to offend either but I cannot imagine allowing something as subjective as an astrological reading determine my future and my destiny. As if you should resign yourself to 12 years of being alone simply because someone told you this is your “destiny”??? I have a big issue with that, but respect that your beliefs may be different. I mainly wanted to give a thumb’s up to Emerson for voicing what I didn’t. 🙂



  328.  #328Emerson on October 15, 2013 at 9:58 am

    I feel more at ease no just letting things go, and keeping my boundaries ….
    I still feel piney for cutecityCD but not as much. I don’t feel his energy coming toward me right now so I will mirror and direct my energy elsewhere too ,,,,



  329.  #329Lemonbutter on October 15, 2013 at 10:03 am

    I listened to psychics for so long for advice, all they did was make me feel more confused so I stopped.

    I feel uncertain about the future, and that excites me, but also causes me to feel fear too…..will I find my partner, my husband-to-be….or will I just not, and be alone?

    I feel like I am too much up in my head at the moment.



  330.  #330Emerson on October 15, 2013 at 10:07 am

    I thought I posted something but it didn’t show up.

    I am feeling flat and a bit blah and sort of unaffected by any man’s actions right now. I was toying with the idea of “casual sex” with cutecityCD but I’m realizing I don’t want that at all.
    It feels unnatural to me. It’s ok that I explored the idea and flirted with the thoughts because now I know it’s not for me.



  331.  #331Lisa on October 15, 2013 at 10:38 am

    @CurvySiren Thanks!!! <3 I too do not live by it.. I've found it helpful in my life, but I'd never had a reading until that… so now I know.. I'm not interested in moving forward with more astrology… I think I'm better off not knowing…. that feels more peaceful.

    I'm too raw and it's too easy to knock me off my horse… when I'm in deep inquiry I can be that way, b/c I'm really feeling my stuff..

    Thanks for sharing and I am grateful for your and Emerson's post. Actually all of you who posted..

    and thanks for allowing me to FEEL my feelings here with you all, it felt so freeing to post that horribly painful post about my anger about it… to be that vulnerable and open… with my anger..

    on a side note: In my contemplation ( it happens when I'm cleaning usually. I remembered back in my 30's when I got hit hard by a commitmaphobic and from then on, I didn't have plans in my relationships… and it worked so well. Not having expectations that any of them would last, turn into marriage… at that point in my life, I was just not the least bit interested in marriage… Now my relationships didn't last long, mostly b/c there was no future with them and I live with integrity and when I know that I let someone go, I don't string them along… but for me to remember what it was like to live day by day and not expect any man to be anything other than they are right now and I had no future with them ( in my mind or heart) by dating them… you know what I had lots of interested men in marrying me… b/c of my no expectations

    I'd like to get back to that part… so when I meet someone it isn't anything other than a great date, or a bad date, and then I get up the next day having no expectations…

    XOXOXO



  332.  #332Femininewoman on October 15, 2013 at 10:53 am

    RE 323 – Indigo he’s in a good place. Don’t try to understand it.



  333.  #333Lisa on October 15, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    @Dominique Wow I guess I was thinking shyness was a way of blocking a man… I guess now that I think about it, it is kind of vulnerable and open… and OMG!! I so love it when a strong masculine man comes to me and I get shy and he comes towards me anyway… I get goose bumps just thinking about it… what a turn on…

    I have a different viewpoint now… that the right man will love my shyness when he comes towards me and might find it exciting and a sexy… hummm

    Just spontaneous blurting here : my turn on’s list :
    Chivalry
    Strong masculine energy
    secure ( confident) non jealous
    knows what he wants
    open
    works with his hands
    adventurous
    strong
    intelligent ( I’m sapiosexual)
    leads
    listens
    is really really into me ( that makes it juicy)
    desires me… more juicy
    pursues me – strongly.. wow I love this one..
    generous… big turn on
    honest…blunt ( honest me are such a turn on)
    in touch with his emotions, not afraid of mine
    passionate

    OXOXOX



  334.  #334Lisa on October 15, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    oops I meant honest men …. is such a turn on..



  335.  #335Dominique on October 15, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    And Lisa, you can also tell a man you feel shy around him, even with a new man. It will be a good and quick way to weed out the ones you don’t want. 🙂

    honest you is such a turn on too. 🙂 lol

    xxoo



  336.  #336Nickie on October 15, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    After the “you can’t have me all to yourself” talk with the man you’re been invested in and start circular dating, does he also become part of the “treat them all equally ” oath. .?
    So say you have a date with a guy , on a night, and then the man you really “love” asks you to go out in advance (but not before you’ve accepted the invite from the “new” guy)
    To “spend time together” would you give him precedence, since he’s the one you wanted to reconnect with?
    I’m finding it slightly easy to “date” and be open to new people and its keeping me busy and building up my self esteem and having me have a clearer picture of what I like or don’t like, want and don’t want. But I do find myself, on those dates, still thinking of the one I really love. My hope is that while I circular date, my “man” (who may or may not step up to the plate fast enough) a new guy will eventually make me feel what I want to feel and give me the commitment I want. The question I guess is, do I keep the man I originally stepped away from in the picture and part of my dating wheel so long as it feels good. Or is my “hope” that he may step up, forbidding me to truly move on. Though I feel that I could “move on” confidently, at this point no matter what happens, I can’t deny I have stronger feelings for him right now, than any of the other prospects currently in the mix. Is that because I have him still in the mix?
    Also should I RE clarify for the original man that I REALLY am actively dating? Even though he hasn’t asked after I told him “he can’t have me all to myself”
    Maybe he doesn’t really think I’m going through with it, even though I’m not as available to him and have denied some dates from him, for other invitations I’ve taken .?



  337.  #337Nickie on October 15, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    What I meant to say above was
    Should I re clarify that I truly am dating after the “you can’t have me all to “yourself” talk, as I remember rori stating that its KEY to him stepping up to the plate quicker, if he truly knows you’re going through with it?
    Cause as its been mentioned before, some men don’t think you’re actually going to go through with it after so many years of knowing you haven’t gone anywhere.
    Thanks!



  338.  #338Emerson on October 15, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    Hey sirens how do you explain to a man that you don’t want to drive to meet him…just feeling rusty on the script that would sound good. I like having my words ready.



  339.  #339Rori Raye on October 15, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    AK – In my experience, when a man is ready, and wants YOU – things move very, very quickly. They are orderly, there’s a protocol, there’s no insecurity. There’s not a man on the planet worth his salt who’d expect you to do anything, or restrict yourself in any way he’s not prepared to do.

    So – what you want, you get. If the man you’re with is NOT moving forward in an orderly, secure fashion – then I see only two options: Circular Date any way you like (sex or not), or “Settle Him In,” which requires great finesse and skill on your part (and perhaps guidance from one of my Coach Trainees) – and the Circular Dating does NOT include actually dating other men, it’s merely being “social” and having a “life.” Love, Rori



  340.  #340AK on October 15, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    Hi Rori

    Thanks for that. This situation doesn’t apply to me as I already have the relationship I want, I was just commenting on D’s situation 🙂

    I absolutely agree with all of this:

    AK – In my experience, when a man is ready, and wants YOU – things move very, very quickly. They are orderly, there’s a protocol, there’s no insecurity. There’s not a man on the planet worth his salt who’d expect you to do anything, or restrict yourself in any way he’s not prepared to do.

    And I enjoy reading your advice 🙂



  341.  #341Rori Raye on October 15, 2013 at 5:13 pm

    Nickie – all of this is in Targeting Mr. Right – and yes, you “Treat Them All Equally.” That’s how it has to work. The moment he “sniffs” that you’re holding out hope he’ll ask you out before someone else does – you lose. AND – it’s not a GAME you lose, it’s your “Degree of Difficulty” you lose. Love, Rori



  342.  #342Rori Raye on October 15, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    Nickie – The thing of this is – it isn’t a “strategy.” It’s not a game. It’s you, realizing one man is not committing (and you can definitely try “Settling Him In” first….) and so you open your heart to ALL men. Man number one either steps up and claims you, or he doesn’t. AND, waiting for him, even in your mind, to step up is the fastest way to lose his interest. Love, Rori



  343.  #343Nickie on October 15, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    I do have targeting mr right
    But haven’t gotten through the whole thing just yet! Just finished the image consulting!
    Where’s the “settling him in” portion?



  344.  #344Emerson on October 15, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    334 hehe I like it Dominique I have told men I feel shy and the reaction is always positive….



  345.  #345Dominique on October 15, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    Emerson – 🙂

    xxoo



  346.  #346Emerson on October 15, 2013 at 7:28 pm

    I’m feeling lonely



  347.  #347Emerson on October 15, 2013 at 8:42 pm

    301 Andrea
    Wine, a diet coke and some TP. And he dropped it off!
    I love it.
    You are a SIREN.
    I love what you say about transformation and attracting someone who is fulfilling what you were used to….and it was negative. I’ve felt some of the same shifts going on with me but it happens slowly…I’m finally allowing men of all kinds get close-ish to me or at least talk to them…before I was very judgmental myself and I had a “type”…and usually what went with that type was emotional unavailability…



  348.  #348Tangi on October 15, 2013 at 8:56 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I met a really nice guy online 2 months ago. He just learn recently from his doctor about some shocking news. He is worried about it, enough that he hasn’t called me. Finally, I heard from him 4 days later. He asked me to give him more time, and that he was sorry, but that until he gets his tests results back (in another couple days) and knows what’s going on with his health, he can’t move forward. I responded to say, “ok and that I was there for him”.

    I don’t want to lose him by getting in his space during this fragile time. How best can I let him know that I want to be a support to him without crushing his masculine side



  349.  #349Rori Raye on October 15, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    Tangi – Do NOTHING!!! Do exactly what he asked for – give him total space. 2 months is way to early for you to stop Circular Dating….go out with friends, take classes, be social. He will call you when he wants to. He knows you like him. He knows you’re there. Love, Rori



  350.  #350Millie on October 15, 2013 at 11:05 pm

    Here’s a new one for me–what to do when a man you are NOT interested in doesn’t get the message?! (NO way this man is for me ladies–too old/just wants a fling/possibly cheating on another lady/bad news)

    I have:
    -told him flat out a couple times that I’ve lost interest, am not interested. That I don’t want to get involved.
    -declined to have drinks with him several times
    -told him what I want for myself has changed (true) that I want to date men closer to my age (true)
    -told him I am busy
    -not answered or returned any of his calls.

    He is pulling the “we can’t have drinks as friends?” card, but frankly I’m not interested in that either. It started off being about sex, but never happened (I’m glad it didn’t) and I’ve lost interest in the idea and plain just DONT WANT to. Now he is blowing up my phone and seems to not be taking NO for an answer….he says I’m being rude by not taking his calls but proceeds to leave me voicemails saying he still wants to take me. I’m so annoyed and so over it. He’s in a band that I go see sometimes and part of the “scene” I’m in sort of…so I don’t want to be a total b*tch, but I’m at a loss of what will make him leave me alone.



  351.  #351Sirenity on October 16, 2013 at 12:31 am

    Ignoring him totally Millie!

    Anything you say or do is attention..so say nothing, ignore the voice mail, delete it. Do not answer. If you keep EXPLAINING to him, its just slathering him in attention and you leave the door open with his toes in it ..Time to slam it shut!!

    This requires that you ask yourself how much is part of you enjoying that same attention from him maybe?
    When you are ready to make it stop you stop all reactions to him. If he starts nuisance calling you get him blocked.



  352.  #352Millie on October 16, 2013 at 11:20 am

    Sirenity–I think I liked the attention at first but multiple calls and texts that sound demanding have become truly annoying. When I ignore him he seems to try harder…and then calls me rude. But yes…. I will keep doing that.



  353.  #353Sue on October 16, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    I am dating one man, but it’s the beginning. I don’t have time to date a bunch of other men, but I completely agree with you about “keeping my options open”. I find that when I date multiple men it helps me keep things in perspective. I am also in my first year of owning my own business, so I’m super busy with that. My issue is that I have a tendency to think about this man all the time- looking externally for fulfillment. I think it’s more of a bad habit to distract myself from dealing with more important things…Do have any advise as to how can I break this habit?



  354.  #354Liquid Light on October 16, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    Wow Andrea 302 I had a guy pull that same thing with me recently. He wanted me to “finish him off”. I was turned off too and said something like “You’ll be OK, you will survive” to kind of make light of it. He seemed almost shocked and taken aback! hahahaha!

    Its amazing to me the s*** that some guys try to get away with! And this was someone that was from my hometown, whom I went to school with (though didn’t know it) so kinda felt like he was a friend. So him doing that felt double yuck!



  355.  #355Liquid Light on October 16, 2013 at 3:25 pm

    PS: The feeling I got from him is that he felt like I somehow owed it to him to “finish him off”…yuck!!!



  356.  #356Liquid Light on October 16, 2013 at 3:29 pm

    I want a “gentleman” but they seem like they are so hard to find. I think the guy I met last night might be one. Of course they sometimes aren’t as exciting but I think I just need to retrain myself to recognize them and appreciate them!



  357.  #357blue rose on October 16, 2013 at 8:45 pm

    #297 Tereana

    Thanks for asking those questions – something to think about…

    “A couple of questions: what does it mean, he “says” he’s treating you like his girlfriend? Do YOU think he’s treating you like a girlfriend (according to how you want to be treated, that is)?”

    hmmm…in a lot of ways yes. I think we are getting a little stuck on finances. At the beginning he paid for everything, even when I tried. Now not so much. We haven’t been on a date in a while, we have been hanging out with friends, so I stopped him one day and said, if it’s not a date I can pay for myself. I did this because I make a lot more than him – he knows this. And because he had been complaining/commenting on how expensive it is to drive up to see me.

    If you asked me this 1 month ago I would have said without hesitation, yes, he treats me how I want a boyfriend to treat me. Right now, I really want someone (or I want him) who will pay for me because to me that is dating and courtship. paying for myself feels like hanging out with friends.

    “And also, do you feel authentic right now? That is, you’ve been dating for two months and you are sexually exclusive. Are you withholding commitment in order to try to “get” something, or are you genuinely not ready to commit? Do you want to commit to him in the future? How do you feel with him?”

    I try really hard to be authentic. That is why I didn’t commit to him earlier – I told him that I was trying to follow my feelings, and not do something, like become bf and gf, just because its what we “should” do. I don’t think I want to “get” anything – I can’t think of what I’d want to get from him. I even did a modified Rori speech where I told him I don’t want to be his gf because I’m looking to fall in love, and get married, and have a family. He told me he was looking for the same things. I told him I don’t want to be bf and gf because I’m afraid I’ll become impatient and want the next step, and he said he’d need time to save up for a ring. The whole thing shocked me and still does.

    “These should help you find your answers. And if you really aren’t sure, then you don’t need to push yourself. That’s what CDing is for. Yes, go out with other guys. Flirt with them. Have fun and remember how attractive you are. No, I wouldn’t tell the guy that you are doing it. Most men don’t enjoy hearing that. Just pay close attention to how you feel…

    Hope that helps!”

    these questions help a lot! He is really wonderful. I think the paying for myself bugs me, but I told him I would if we were not on a date. I honestly think it bugs him too. He’s a really good guy, and I don’t want my own issues with money to mess this up for me.

    I can see myself being with him. And he has said to me that he is thinking long term. He has wondered if I would want kids (I told him I do) because my career is a really time consuming one. Gosh I really like him. I feel safe and good with him. I really do. I have no doubt that he likes me, and he has told me that he cares for me. He follows through on everything he says he will do.



  358.  #358blue rose on October 16, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    #311: Femininewoman

    Hi Femininewoman!

    “Questions that came to me were how do you feel about yourself when you are around him and not with him? What else is he offering you aside from being your boyfriend? What are you looking for in a relationship?”

    when I am around him I feel really good. I feel pretty and cared about. When I’m not with him I try to remind myself that if he’s not in front of me he does not exist, which is hard. And I try to remind myself that what he’s doing and thinking don’t matter.

    Other than being my boyfriend he is offering a future – he is talking about a future. He is already thinking about New Years, and how I will be out of town and can’t kiss him. and he has said he thinks about us in the future.

    In a relationship, I am looking for marriage. Something that may lead to marriage. I am also looking for a stable future husband, and his career is not stable. he is a hard worker, and he is passionate and smart, but I am afraid of the uncertainity of his career. I am afraid that I’ll have to take care of him.

    Finances again. I’m really afraid of the finances. Everything else is really great.



  359.  #359Rori Raye on October 17, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    Sue – you have your own answer: Circular Date. Targeting Mr. Right is your program…Love, Rori



  360.  #360Sarah on October 19, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    Dominique – 315 – Thank you for providing the voice of grounded reason. I know what you’re saying to be true, it’s just feels really hard to accept.

    Now that it’s been 9 days since contact, it’s getting a little easier to accept letting go and moving on. I feel sad and miss him… but am focusing on myself, my needs, and reflecting on what I can learn from the experience moving forwards. Thanks again for the kind support.

    xxoo



  361.  #361Dominique on October 19, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    Sarah – anytime. 🙂

    love to you.

    xxoo



  362.  #362Lauren on October 23, 2013 at 4:55 am

    Hey Ladies and Rori,

    We are 6 single ladies following the Circular Dating rule of Rori’s. We have given ourselves a challenge to date as many men as our age in 3 months and blog about our experiences. (So for me that’s 36 dates in 3 months, yikes!)

    BUT…one of ‘The Rules’ we gave ourselves for the challenge was that we are NOT allowed to sleep with them. If we do, the date doesn’t count towards our tally. It’s proving interesting so far to say the least (and quite difficult). Read all about our circular dating experiences here: http://threemonthdatingchallenge.tumblr.com/

    I find Rori’s advice exceptionally helpful and tell as many girls as I can about her. The circular dating stuff works, even just to give you more confidence and learn how ti better deal with men. And personally I think sleeping with men always attaches you too them emotionally and too early.

    You can also keep updated on or newest dates and blog posts on Twitter: https://twitter.com/datechallenge

    Would love to hear your feedback!

    Lauren x



  363.  #363Lemonbutter on October 23, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    Thank you Lauren, I will be following your experiences. It sounds interesting to me 🙂



  364.  #364Danielle on November 15, 2013 at 9:59 pm

    Hey people this Danielle I’m in love with my boyfriend and I know how you guys fell LOL: (