How Men Are Like Women – They Want What’s Not Available Just Like We Do

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Here’s a comment from Tony – and I’m going to be “tough.”

First, Tony, thank you for showing up – having men on the site can be an amazing thing. Not only do you give us information that’s incredibly helpful – it also helps us see how much like us you are in some basic ways.

And this is one of them – and it’s the basis of the classic “play hard to get” game we all grew up with.

The thing is, Tony – you sound like a woman.

And I mean this to sound as tough as it does, because you’re not a woman – and what you need to do to capture this woman’s attention is the OPPOSITE of what we women need to do to capture a man’s attention.

Here’s Tony’s letter:

“Rori,  I am 25 and have been working with a women for the last couple of months and I have fallen for her more then anyone else in my life. She is a year younger then me and engaged.

We have flirted since the second day we worked together and got on so so well. She trusts me more then anyone and confides things to me she doesn’t tell anyone else.

She is always down in the dumps till she is around me, and constantly tells me the fiance is pissing her off for one thing or another. He does not work, they are always moaning at each other and she tells me she is unhappy. We are in contact every day and met up outside of work. We have kissed on a few occasions (without booze involved) and we get on so well and have a great time.

A couple of days ago, I told her how I truly felt. We met up and have a great laugh and kissed at the end of the night. Since then, she has told me she can not leave her fiance. Her words were, “despite everything, I love him.”

I have promised her the world, to make her happy for the rest of her life, and never to hurt her in any way. (She tells me she trusts me too) but she refuses to accept her feelings for me. I think she is scared to leave her fiance and does not want to hurt him.

I do not want to hurt her, I refuse to tell anyone about us and what we have done. I do not want to play games or do anything below the belt to have her.

She has found out things about me from other people, such as I have been with a fair few women and I think that is affecting her decisions.

Please can anyone help me with this dilemma.

I have fallen for her more then I could ever imagine. Any help is greatly appreciated.

Tony”

My answer:

Here’s the deal: I’m always telling women that what men say and do in the moment doesn’t mean ANYTHING.

That if they’re still married, or with their girlfriend – that’s where they want to be – no matter WHAT they say to you.

There are men who WANT to be with women who treat them badly and cheat on them, and even though they may love being around a great woman like the women here – it doesn’t mean that’s what he wants deep down.

A great many of us are simply “screwed up” and want what doesn’t actually feel good.

This is how “hard to get” came into being.

It’s the classic knight in shining armor having to go into battle to get the woman he wants – COMBINED with the whole “damsel in distress rescued by the knight in shining armor” imagery.

(…and only “elite” women need apply here for this storyline…and so that’s a whole OTHER problem for us around “feeling elite…”)

In other words, we are weak, in danger, physically threatened and in need of rescue – AND we are haughty, choosy, picky, virtuous and stand-offish.

These days, as women (I’m not sure if this ever really applied to real life) – we can’t afford to fall into either of these images, and yet they still stick in the minds and hearts of men and women everywhere.

So – now to you, Tony.

You somehow believe it’s your reputation as a “player” that’s got her not interested – when it’s the exact OPPOSITE!!!

It’s your “player-ness” that’s attractive to her, it’s why she’s spending time with you, all that – and it’s your “nice-guy, I don’t want to hurt her or play games” attitude that’s cutting you off at the knees.

Pretty unfair, wouldn’t you say?

And yet – that’s the story.

We women love, and will always love, bad boys.

Here, we’re working at learning to love good guys – and it’s a “from the ground up, from the deepest inside place out” process.

You’re confusing this woman.

First – she doesn’t know what she wants – that’s clear. She wants the engagement/marriage, but she also is afraid to go there.

Here’s where you come in – her ticket to excitement, fun, sexy, being with a player-bad-boy…

Only you’re abdicating your very strength, and turning into a girl before her eyes.

You’re fulfilling the “friend” part great – the good man who treats her beautifully, worships her, will do anything for her, give her the world, never hurt her. The good man she gets along with.

And so – you’re stuck in the “friend” zone and she still “loves” the other man who has nothing good to recommend him.

The answer here is NOT to start playing games or treat her bad – that’s not what I’m saying.  There’s another way.

Now – this concept has come out of the “pick-up-artist” movement as a sort of “higher consciousness” way to go.

Actually – the good “pick-up-artist” male coaches and writers out there have discovered that it WORKS better!

Some of them call it “The Natural.” The term I found that says it all for me is this:  Personal Authority.

A woman can tolerate nearly anything from a bad boy. He reeks of “I don’t care” and he won’t let anyone, not even a woman he says he loves, change him. We love that. It’s time-honored, it’s classic.

So what can a “good guy” do to get this “aura”?

Well – if you saw the movie “Crazy Stupid Love” – and I HIGHLY recommend you watch it and do what Ryan Gosling does – you know that the way you dress and carry yourself and talk has a lot to do with success with women – and you sound like a man who has that part figured out.

And the Ryan Gosling character KNOWS that women love being attended to and listened to, and so he does that, and he also knows they like being teased, and so he does that – all the classic “pick up artist” stuff. And perhaps you know how to do that, too.

It’s just that, when you fall – you lose your Personal Authority. You give it up to her.

Just like we give up our power to a man we feel “hung up on.”

I’m going to direct you to look around the web for articles on “Personal Authority” for men…and try it out.

So – how would this look for you?

Well – first of all – where’re your other women? Where’s your male version of Circular Dating? If you’ve given it all up to pine for a woman who HAS ANOTHER MAN – you’re losing your glamour, you’re losing your pull, you’re losing the attraction.

And – doesn’t this sound just like us women, when we’re caught in a situation that has us feeling desperate, clingy and needy?

And who among us is drawn to that?  No one.

Not even us.

So – Tony – please hang around here, read about Circular Dating, talk to the other women, and see if you can regain your allure.

I’m not saying this woman is going to dump her man for you – but you sure have a better chance if you stop being willing to dump YOUR life for HER!

Love is one thing. Pursuit is good if you’re a man – and as every woman here will tell you – if you pursue and chase without Personal Authority – we’ll look at you and go “ewwwww….”

It takes a lot of work for a woman to appreciate a man who wants her. We’re just all wired to want a man who rejects us. It’s imprinted in our cells.

Learn to speak with more authority, learn to date women in a good, kind, loving, adventurous way that helps you grow personally, and see if YOUR new “vibe” changes things quickly.

Sincerely, Rori

Posted in

836 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on May 17, 2012 at 7:11 am

    hhmph



  2.  #2mia on May 17, 2012 at 7:27 am

    be a man, take the lead, tell her what u want, if she cant decide then walk!.. stop putting up with her immature crap. If she loved u im sure shed run to the end of the earth with you. she hasnt so guess what, she never will. theres your answer. move on, and find love with someone who just cant stand a day without you. 🙂



  3.  #3Dominique on May 17, 2012 at 7:32 am

    Why the hmph Femininewoman?

    xxoo



  4.  #4Femininewoman on May 17, 2012 at 7:52 am

    I feel unsettled around wanting a man who rejects us. After suffering myself and watching so many women suffer I feel concerned for my teenage daughter and all the other teenagers who will play out this drama. I feel thinking that no matter what I do to try and change this my efforts will fall on deaf ears.



  5.  #5Dominique on May 17, 2012 at 7:55 am

    Hugs to you Femininewoman, and sadly most of us learn our lessons the harder way. You can share with her what you know and have learned, but you can’t control what she does with it. You CAN love her regardless.

    xxoo



  6.  #6Aurora Girl on May 17, 2012 at 7:55 am

    This work scenario is one I knew well years ago. In fact 10 years ago and I wish it on no one.

    I learned a lot from it….and never repeated it again……

    xo
    Aurora



  7.  #7lessonsbeinglearned on May 17, 2012 at 7:57 am

    Why didn’t I follow my head when a recently divorced man asked me out? I know this was not a good idea. He absolutely convinced me (and it took some doing) (I believe he convinced himself too) that he had worked through his issues and he was moving on. That was nine months ago. Mother’s Day has triggered some feelings in him and now he is unsure of himself and his feelings. This is my worst nightmare. I am living my worst nightmare right now.



  8.  #8Aurora Girl on May 17, 2012 at 7:57 am

    I would tell Tony to stop looking for women at work……and stop looking for women to rescue……and have some better boundaries with his coworkers……

    this one triggers me….can you tell?

    xo
    Aurora



  9.  #9Jessie1000 on May 17, 2012 at 8:01 am

    I feel some new energy…regaining the allure.
    I joined kickboxing this week.
    I was very frightened.
    First to spend the money on myself.
    With kids, its always a guilt thing.
    Should I put the money towards them and sports classes for them or can I afford for all of us to do it as a family?
    I decided me moping around was no good for kids (horrible justification or not?)

    I was shy to be out of shape in a bunch of strangers.
    I shopped around for a cheap class, close to me so there was less gas.

    I was shy to look dumb in front of alot of people in case I couldnt keep up with everyone.

    Surprisingly, its not like I didnt do these types of classes before, I did jujitsu for many years before my second son.

    I worried that at 41, I would look like the old person in the class. I felt very self conscious which I dont usually feel unless I take myself out of my comfort zone.

    I got a sitter. I felt tremendously guilty in the waiting room before the class.

    When I got in and they made us skip, I was overjoyed!

    Such a great work. I punched blockers. I kicked bags! The coach thought I was advanced for his class and welcomed me for my skills!

    Everyone was extremely out of shape–like me! I sweated and turned red!

    THen I felt my vibe change! After the class, my innner someone was so relieved and refreshed!
    I laughed more! THe kids giggled going to bed!
    I felt very happy! I can feel the work out shaping me already!

    And my allure! I smiled all week! I joined the class permanently! I did my hair and put on make up for the first time in a week! I felt busy, instead of trapped in the house with my books!

    I like this post (and blog) because having the constant repetition of changing the focus to yourself is not my usual way but it really feels good when I finally changed my vibe!

    I liked my clothes! I endured my wrinkles!
    RORI for me, reminds me off the jerry seinfeld episode when George starts doing the OPPOSITE of what he always did and how his life changed….

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKUvKE3bQlY

    Lol…I think this episode is wonderful and I feel that every instinct I have in my life….has all been wrong.

    Nothing has ever worked for me with tuna on toast.
    Theres no telling what can happen with this–Elaine says.

    Bald men with no jobs and no money who live with their parents do not approach strange women.
    IF every instinct you have is wrong…the opposite would be right.
    I used to do nothing and regret it for the rest of the day.

    I hope it all works out for everyone! Sometimes all you have to do is try something new!



  10.  #10Jasmine on May 17, 2012 at 8:24 am

    IDK… I get the sense that this is more of a ‘men love bitches’ scenario.

    A sort of ‘it’s safe to fall for her because I can’t have her’ scenario. Or, a ‘i can’t have her so she would be the ultimate conquest’ scenario. I would love to find out if the relationship would last if this woman dumped her fiance and ran off with this Tony guy. I kind of suspect it wouldn’t.

    Though, perhaps, Tony’s attraction to her, falling madly in love with her, is an example of what circular dating does for women who are circular dating.

    But… what would make HER fall for HIM? Idk. As far as I’m concerned, if she’s engaged with a man, yet making out with this guy, cultivating his feelings for her, on the side…. that seems so wrong to me. That seems like ‘bitch’ to me. A woman who gets off on attention and treating men like shit.

    There seems to be a huge disconnect in these teachings between seduction and the relationship we’re all supposedly looking for.

    How do we bridge that gap? When do we reach the loyal, love infused committed relationship? I don’t see how cheating gets us there!

    I suppose it’s a matter of being on the same page- does this woman’s fiance know that being engaged still allows for her to be actually making out with other men? Would we want a man we were engaged to making out with other women? WTF?

    I appreciate so much about your teachings Rori, and really grateful for them in fact.

    But this disconnect is driving me nuts!



  11.  #11Hopeful on May 17, 2012 at 8:37 am

    So, I have been practicing visualizing my life as I want it to be for about a week, perhaps longer, but more consistently for the last week.

    And I have been asking for doorways to be opened for me to speak my truth. And a couple of times windows were opened, and I had to speak my truth, because my husband insisted. I asked for assistance in saying the right things.

    There have been some unpleasant moments in this journey, but in the last couple months, things are really starting to shift for me.

    And I think I might be in the midst of watching a miracle unfold. I am witnessing behaviors that are different from before. I am in a state of expectation of a miracle. And I keep seeing more evidence. Could all that Abraham stuff be true? It seems so. I just feel so much excitement now in the unfolding (as they say).

    One of my mantras is “I am a beacon of light” and it feels really good. It helps me think and act in hopeful ways. And it feels good.

    I have been buying myself flowers, and calling myself “precious”.

    These changes I see in my world are quite amazing. I do believe I am witnessing a miracle happening. Stay tuned. I will let you once I know more.

    I am so thankful for this blog, Rori, my healing angels, Abraham videos/audiobooks, and for all of the inspiration that has been coming to me.

    The future looks bright. The best days are yet to come. It feels so good to feel happy. It feels great to feel like I am in the midst of a miracle. A miracle I have been dreaming about for quite sometime, but only recently have I been putting more hope and belief into it.

    It is all about the positive energy ladies. Be a little ray of sunshine and the sun (and the universe) will shine on you.



  12.  #12Hopeful on May 17, 2012 at 8:41 am

    Jessie 1000 – I take boxing and kickboxing classes too. It makes me feel so alive. It is the coolest gym ever. Friendly helpful people – not flirty. I love punching the bag. I love moving my body. I love the people I meet at the gym. They are there because punching the bag feels so good.

    And my arms muscles are getting really strong. Madonnna biceps are on the way.



  13.  #13lk on May 17, 2012 at 8:44 am

    HOPEFUL HOPEFUL HOPEFUL !!!! : ) yayyy ooh i feel good reading all of that…. Precious, indeed…. yum : )))



  14.  #14Mercedes on May 17, 2012 at 8:50 am

    Hey everyone! Just popping in to say “Hi!”.

    Rori: I LOVE this article. I’d change one slight thing if it were me giving the advice:

    “A couple of days ago, I told her how I truly felt. We met up and have a great laugh and kissed at the end of the night. Since then, she has told me she can not leave her fiance. Her words were, “despite everything, I love him.”

    My advice to Tony: Stop seeing her NOW. She’s using you and cheating on her fiance with you. Good chance she’d eventually cheat on you too (kissing = cheating in my book). So get out. Call off the friendship. Yes…call off the friendship. Friendship does not work (EVER) when ONE of the friends is in love.

    Here’s what I think you should say:

    “Okay…I understand…you love him. Unfortunately, I love you. And I can’t be “just friends” or “just friends who kiss” with a woman I love. I deserve better than that. It’s time for me to move on with someone who can love ME through it all. I wish you both the absolute best with your future.”

    And then move on. She’ll try to continue to use you with the looks and the jokes and the invites, and the “poor me, my fiance is mean” talk and the “Oh Tony, come to my rescue” attitude, etc. (Chances are good there will even be an “emergency” that only you can help her with in the near future…we women are AWESOME at creating those emergencies)…The best response is no response however – or a very professional response (because you are at work) but beyond that, if she loves someone else and kisses on you then you’ve got to cut her loose because you have NO chance of a future that way. She gets to have her cake and eat it too (with a glass of ice cold milk if she wants). Besides that, how do you feel about being a man who kisses someone else’s fiance? How would you feel if you were the fiance?

    So anyway…after all these months my opinions haven’t changed and I’m still long-winded in my posts! 🙂

    Hope all is well with everyone!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  15.  #15Starla on May 17, 2012 at 8:55 am

    feel anxious and unfulfilled and noticing my desire to lean forward to ‘fix it.’ but i also have needs. so i feel confused about not being able to lean forward to men to get them met.

    i dunno. i’m just sitting on my hands and not texting (alaska, for example) because I need to learn to love myself during these times and not turn to something external, i guess?

    my therapist told me last night, though, that I focus a bit too much on policing myself and my mental landscape… that i need to give myself room to act and feel.

    So confused right now.



  16.  #16Starla on May 17, 2012 at 9:00 am

    yes, i know what i need. solitude from men. i woke up anxious to see if alaska had emailed me or contacted me in some form.

    i want to be free of this.

    i’m on dating strike

    it feels so hard to stick to. harder than quitting smoking. i’m a crack head about this. i am seriously going to go to the bathroom to cry this one out. it feels THAT uncomfortable. but i will get through this to the other side and emerge a less needy person

    i love me so much and it’s going to be okay.



  17.  #17Rori Raye on May 17, 2012 at 9:02 am

    lessons – there are NO rules about recently divorced men – or recently widowed men, either. Please stop beating yourself, get the Have The Relationship You Want ebook and start using the Tools ASAP. Either he’s right for you or he isn’t – please, please, please Circular Date to build up your confidence and learn more about how you’re operating…Love, Rori



  18.  #18Starla on May 17, 2012 at 9:10 am

    this article reminds me of something i have lost sight of, which is that if I had stayed together with my unavailable man, he would have driven me crazier and crazier. even though i think i wouldn’t “care” about his behavior because I am just totally head over heels for him, it would have at least eaten at my sense of identity and self esteem.

    ohhh i want to cry all day. too bad i have to work



  19.  #19Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 9:34 am

    Checking in!



  20.  #20Dominique on May 17, 2012 at 9:37 am

    Miss M!!! Still crossing fingers for Austin or better yet Houston.

    xxoo



  21.  #21Mercedes on May 17, 2012 at 9:40 am

    Beautiful Dominique!! How are you? My fingers are crossed too!!!! Any idea when you might know more?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  22.  #22Francesca on May 17, 2012 at 9:54 am

    Jessie @9

    Love that episode! Great one!



  23.  #23Sassy on May 17, 2012 at 9:58 am

    My question is…Why do we want what we can’t have? What is embedded so deeply in our psyche to crave that which we cannot have? Why is the forbidden so enticing?
    Can anyone here explain this? I need to find this answer so I can fix myself, my constant attraction that I can’t seem to get away from. Is this, as Dominique said, “what love looks like to me?” Something that I can’t have? Ohhhh that feels brutally painful.



  24.  #24Starla on May 17, 2012 at 10:06 am

    sassy, maybe it is a survival mechanism gone awry in post-industrial society. we crave what we can’t have because it keeps us one step ahead of the game in survival.

    maybe if our biggest worries were foraging food and surviving the elements, we wouldn’t find ourselves chasing bad boys because that urge would satisfied elsewhere and more appropriately so…

    I wonder how we can fulfill this urge since we aren’t threatened externally by starvation or element exposure?



  25.  #25Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Hmmmmm….. this is really interesting, but i dont like how I got the urge 2 try n get into all my CDs minds and decode what theyre thinking and all of that. STOP! …. whew okay. I feel guilt. Guilt for sleeping with CD who had a gf and eventually causing them to break up.



  26.  #26Femininewoman on May 17, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Sassy I don’t know that I can answer your question but my thinking is that I crave that all my needs and desires are met. I crave for a man who embodies all the perfect qualities that seem elusive. As such I can have it all by cdating. Society forbids me having more than one husband. Some circles forbids flirting and certain behaviors are frowned down on. I believe I can have it all.



  27.  #27Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 10:16 am

    You know what? Its not MY fault

    (((((((me)))))))))



  28.  #28Dominique on May 17, 2012 at 10:21 am

    Miss M – Go check your email. I have news which will likely make you faint as it did me.

    In answer to when we will know, don’t know. The plan is to get there and hopefully within a year.

    xxoo



  29.  #29Dominique on May 17, 2012 at 10:23 am

    Sassy – You CAN change this pattern. I just released an article on just this a bit ago.

    If I did it, so can you.

    http://sexandheart.com/your-the-one-can-have-it-all#comment-1934

    xxoo



  30.  #30Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 10:30 am

    POF – Plenty Of FreeTherapy lol 🙂



  31.  #31Radlove on May 17, 2012 at 10:36 am


  32.  #32Radlove on May 17, 2012 at 10:40 am

    Starla,

    699 – I appreciate your intelligence, and I appreciate the time and effort you took to write that post. I am going to let this topic rest now.



  33.  #33lessonsbeinglearned on May 17, 2012 at 10:44 am

    Thank you Rori. I had planned to cd when i met him. He went through a divorce and the deaths of his stepfather and his mother within the past year, so I KNEW he had work to do. I KNEW it. He is very methodical and 25 years in military reserves, 25 years at his civilian job as a planner and 25 years married. All this happened in the past year. We met on a dating site. We talked and talked and talked. He totally convinced me and himself that being the methodical, do what needs to be done type of person he is, that he had resolved his issues and had dated enough people from dating sites, church and work to know that his and my goals and things we desire in a mate were the same. he said all the right things, everything was great. we handled disagreements maturely. then mother’s day seemed to trigger feelings that hadn’t been resolved with his relationship with his mother and feelings of resentment regarding his divorce. i think he is as surprised and hurt by this as i am. i know there is nothing i can do. i am just so very heartbroken. i love him.



  34.  #34ReceivingGirl on May 17, 2012 at 10:44 am

    Previous thread 688: Memulo says:

    Hi ReceivingGirl;) How’s Mr.Observant?

    I haven’t talked to him since he favorited me on POF. I will see him Saturday at my party. I can’t wait! 🙂

    Thank you for asking, Memulo.



  35.  #35ReceivingGirl on May 17, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Previous thread: 772: Tiffany says:

    “ReceivingGirl #437 – I’m sure you know that eating healthy is not a “problem.” But in your case it is the SOURCE of the problem, because eating healthier foods has reduced your body’s tolerance for “junk” foods. I have the same thing. I stopped eating fast food over 10 years ago. And I tried once a few years ago, thinking it would be okay, and felt massively sick afterward. So I said okay, I’m just not going to eat that anymore. There is lots of other food I can eat. Not eating fast food, to me, is not a “problem.” My (your) body is telling me (you) that it doesn’t like the food. So the best thing you can do is to take care of your body by giving it foods that it likes and not giving it stuff that makes it feel sick. If you are not willing to do this, then you can go ahead and switch your diet back to lots of unhealthy foods. But I think you know where that is going – weight gain, high blood pressure, depression, the works. Listen to your body. That’s the best advice I can give you. Or don’t. It’s up to you. But whether or not you want to eat junk food at a party seems kind of silly if you’re talking about actually getting sick afterward, don’t you think? Not a judgment. It just actually made me laugh to read your post, and that’s why I responded… 😀 ”

    Oh, Tiffany, I didn’t feel judged, no worries. I’m definitely not going back to junk food. But, now I’m having this party on Saturday and trying to come up with appetizers to make and having a hard time deciding what I should make. I need something that is substantial that I can eat, yet won’t freak all of my non-healthy friends out.



  36.  #36ReceivingGirl on May 17, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Previous thread 776: Emerson says:

    “Receiving Girl and Tiffany….I struggle with junk food now and then but I feel soo much better when I stay away!!!”

    I’m happy I can buy gluten free organic tortilla chips and still enjoy chips and salsa!! 🙂



  37.  #37Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 11:09 am

    Oh wow, this man wants to be my sugar daddy and thinks its sexy to help me out with bills.

    Sorry If I keep being off topic. LOL



  38.  #38ReceivingGirl on May 17, 2012 at 11:13 am

    Previous thread 781: Tiffany says:

    “I was hoping that my experience might help ReceivingGirl. It’s definitely more of a mind-shift, I think. At some point, you stop thinking of junky foods as “food” and start moving toward other stuff that just makes you feel better. But I agree that the emotional attachment to certain foods can be very strong, and that’s probably what she’s dealing with…

    Does that sound right, RG?”

    I think it’s more of a familiarity thing. I’ve never had to watch what I eat because I’ve always been skinny. It just not something I had to ever think about and now I do for other reasons. And, I’m the only healthy convert in my family, well my brother too but he lives in a different state, so that makes it difficult with family functions. My parents are so unaccepting about it that I don’t discuss my eating habits with them because it feels icky. I hear them talk down about my brother’s weird healthy eating habits all the time and I just don’t want to bother with it. I’m avoiding. They constantly monitor what I eat when I’m around them and judge because they think I have an eating disorder since I’m so thin and then rest of my family isn’t.



  39.  #39Mercedes on May 17, 2012 at 11:20 am

    Dominique: You ALWAYS make me smile…no matter what! 🙂 Thank you for that!

    I’m keeping EVERYTHING crossed! I would absolutely LOVE to see you living in Texas (especially Houston…)!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  40.  #40light heart on May 17, 2012 at 11:26 am


  41.  #41Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 11:29 am

    I have a question about feeling messages. How absolutely critical is it that they all include the word feel.

    e.g i feel lost Im lost.



  42.  #42ReceivingGirl on May 17, 2012 at 11:39 am

    @17: Rori Raye says:

    lessons – there are NO rules about recently divorced men – or recently widowed men, either. Please stop beating yourself, get the Have The Relationship You Want ebook and start using the Tools ASAP. Either he’s right for you or he isn’t – please, please, please Circular Date to build up your confidence and learn more about how you’re operating…Love, Rori

    Rori – there are no rules at all? I am on the verge of dating a man who is separated and going through a divorce. I feel a little concerned too, but I also really like him.



  43.  #43Francesca on May 17, 2012 at 11:41 am

    Yes, thank you, light heart. Good song.

    I’m kind of sad about her passing.



  44.  #44ReceivingGirl on May 17, 2012 at 11:44 am

    @41 Emoticon

    I think Rori said “feel” is the most important part of an FM.



  45.  #45Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 11:48 am

    Thank you, receiving girl.



  46.  #46lessonsbeinglearned on May 17, 2012 at 11:54 am

    #42 DON’T DO IT. You do not want to be the transition girl. I was assured the transition was already over. Almost a year later, he realizes it isn’t. I do not think it was intentional. However, it hurts really really bad. Our relationship was wonderful and then suddenly on Mother’s Day, he was triggered and has been a bundle of nerves and unsure of decisions he has made. He is not normally like that. He is a person who knows what he wants and when something needs to be done, he does it. He is military so I believe that may have something to do with him compartmentalizing his feelings until the “work” i.e., settling of the estates (both divorce and death) was done, etc. On the other hand I just want to say, wtf, you are a grown ass man….deal with these things….why do you have to let me go? I encouraged you, supported you, had fun with you, cared for you, loved you…why do you let me go? DO NOT PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THIS.



  47.  #47Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 11:56 am

    ReceivingGirl, if it matters to you. I dont feel uncomfortable about you dating a guy who is separated if the divorce is moving along as planned.

    The last season of desperate housewives taught me a lot about that, because throughout the season Tom and Lynette were going through a divorce and He started dating a lady named Jane who seemed very sireny actually but she came off as a little bit pushy to me. And even MORE pushy when she decided to serve Lynette the divorce papers herself (I felt so confused and so sad for Lynette a that point and even angry at Jane!) Tom felt angry at Jane too and Later on realized he still had feelings for Lynette and was willing to work out their problems and mend their marriage and now they are back together. Jane ended up heartbroken (poor girl).

    I honestly do not want to see you end up in Jane’s position.



  48.  #48Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    If this doesnt boost a girl’s confidence i dont know what will

    ZDelish you haven’t even been on Plentyoffish for 24 hours and already you have had 153 men view your profile!

    Click the link to see if you are interested in them! http://www.pof.com/whoviewedme.aspx

    Replies to this email will be automatically deleted. If you do not wish to be notified by email, you can unsubscribe here: http://www.pof.com/deleteaccount.aspx



  49.  #49Hopeful on May 17, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    I agree with the other sirens about dating separated men. I have seen too many friends get burned. And Rori talks so often on her videos/CDs about men sticking with their wives through s#xless marriages and all sorts of pain. And she tells tales of men coming back to their wives after “other women.” Married men are loyal, especially if their are kids involved. And often the first woman they date if they are ready to move on is just a transitional woman. She is just a diversion to his pain.

    I have seen exceptions to this, but I would never date a man who is still legally married to someone else. It is just a set up for disappointment.



  50.  #50Hopeful on May 17, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    Starla –

    Once upon a time, I took a year off from dating. That was one of the funnest years of my life. I got out and did stuff with groups of friends and had a great time. I focused on me. ME, ME, ME and having fun. So much freedom. No drama. No expectations. And why did I take a year off? I series of broken romances. I was done with dating and needed a break from the drama.

    And oddly, since my plan was NOT to date anyone, just to have fun, I got asked out all the time that year. And when I said no, and gave my reasons why, then they asked to do stuff as friends. And I went along with that. I got more attention from men that year than I did any other year of my life. But my focus was on me having fun. And I had a great time!



  51.  #51lessonsbeinglearned on May 17, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    #48 I never feared he would go back to the ex, which I suppose does happen, but I was afraid of being the transition girl, which he ASSURED me in no uncertain terms, that I was not. He assured me he had worked through everything. Being the methodical person I know him to be, I felt like it was possible that he could have done this and so I trusted and believed him. I do not think this change is intentional. I do think it takes time for someone to process divorce, death, etc., even if they think they already have. My rule from now on is no recently divorced men – 1 year MINIMUM and NEVER be the first woman they date after a divorce. (He assured me I was NOT the first woman, he had dated several women from work, church, etc. and that he hadn’t connected with any of them like he did with me). He broke up with me last night. I am devastated.



  52.  #52Mel on May 17, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    I don’t necessarily agree on the separated men “rule.”

    In many places, it takes a full YEAR to be granted a divorce, and that’s without ANY back and forth between parties, complications with custody, support payments, etc.

    A man could very well have “moved-on,” but in such locales, he is simply waiting for the legal system to make it official.

    I think the important part is that he is emotionally ready for a relationship. Has he had personal counseling? Has he dated others? How does he speak about his EX? Does he know what he wants out of life now?

    Just my 2 cents…



  53.  #53Starla on May 17, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    Hopeful 49 that makes me feel hopeful:)



  54.  #54lessonsbeinglearned on May 17, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    #51

    I think the important part is that he is emotionally ready for a relationship. Has he had personal counseling? Has he dated others? How does he speak about his EX? Does he know what he wants out of life now?

    EXACTLY what I thought was important too and exactly what our very first conversations were about. I absolutely (and he did too) thought he was ready. He wasn’t.



  55.  #55Starla on May 17, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    I am really good at not looking at CF’s or his sister’s and family friends’ FB pages. I think about it, but then I’m like, “nahhhh.” Ignorance is bliss right now. He left me in an ignorant state with no further communication or very specific information, and it’s not MY job to figure him out or wtf is going on. He didn’t tell me much, and I tried to talk to him but he refused, so I give myself permission to just forget that fool as best I can.

    (((((((((((((((((starla)))))))))))))))))))))

    i feel so proud of me for not checking up on him in any way and not freaking out and being crazy to him when he ended things. I have turned into quite the sane woman. I feel so proud of myself.



  56.  #56Femininewoman on May 17, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    The way I see it is if a man is divorced or widowed he is single. He might not be emotionally available for pair bonding but if we are cdating in the true sense of the concept – that is for therapy – he is only one amongst many. We will get to experience how a man in that stage of his life might behave and how we might feel regarding that behavior. If he is ready to pair bond he will focus on the woman and offer her what she wants. Until such time if a woman does not become exclusive with him until he puts substantive action behind his words then we minimize our risks. I see the problem to be exclusivity, not necessarily the stage of life the man is in.



  57.  #57Starla on May 17, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    gosh, i am really really amazing! he is lucky it was me and not someone else who would have just tried to insult him and question him.



  58.  #58Femininewoman on May 17, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    I wonder what Lilybelle would say? Or Turquoise?



  59.  #59Mel on May 17, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    53

    lessonsbeinglearned,

    It totally sucks that that happened to you, but the truth is, men can get scared, or question things, or get triggered, or have a mid-life crisis for any number of reasons- regardless of their relationship status. And there’s not a whole lot we can do about it except to continue to love ourselves and move forward.



  60.  #60Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    I’m feeling a little annoyed at how leany forwardy some people that I associate with are, and I feel guilty for judging them honestly.

    I feel irritated everytime they go to great lengths to explain themselves to me and I have become so accustomed to the vibe on Siren Island that I feel weird dealing with other women. I want to bring my friends to the light here but I feel scared to be judged for seeking out dating advice. I have already been judged by her for CDing. They dont get it and I really hate explaining. I dont want to have to explain myself, I dont want to be judged or ridiculed and yet, I dont want to hang out with people who I feel annoyed around.



  61.  #61Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    I feel much more comfortable talking to you guys.

    I want to be able to deal with all sorts of people without getting annoyed because I feel that my judgement is what is causing this feeling. And I do not want to judge others.

    I also feel fearful that all the work I have put in to becoming a better me will go down the drain by my being negatively influenced by the people I surround myself with.

    But alas, I can’t LIVE on the internet.



  62.  #62Jessie1000 on May 17, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    omg emoticon i so agree with you….this week my buddy M. who already picked up and moved her kids and her lift across canada for a guy who already left her and dumped her…then they slept together up there for a couple of weeks and he told her point blank he didnt want her….quit his job to get away from her…she finally came back home –she had an amazing teaching position at the best uni. in canada…lol
    and now she keeps sending him terrible hateful messages and is crying every day…she is in total misery and then when she sees any kind of post I have on facebook about rori….she tells me I am a loser–and makes fun of internet relationship advice and thinks that relationships arent simple …women have to work at them to get a good guy!
    and her exhaustion makes me feel so sorry for her….

    kisses emoticon



  63.  #63Jessie1000 on May 17, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    hey im a lesbian now so guy problems wont matter anymore



  64.  #64sugardip10 on May 17, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    I really am appreciative of this site. I have of late been going thru this rejection thing and it hurts! I am so angry for allowing myself toget dooped once again. I’m to the point where I don’t want to date again right now but I am extremely lonely! I do find that when I act lie I don’t care I get more attention! who knew!So right now I will try this don’t care part I don’t feel like being hurt again. Hope



  65.  #65Jessie1000 on May 17, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    omg that was my son being stupid



  66.  #66Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    ((((((Jessie)))))))
    ((((((Jessie’s friend))))))))
    (((((((my friend))))))))

    oh boy! now that I have changed my approach everything she says to me, i just feel a competitive spirit. And I don’t want to compete. I dont feel comfortable in competitve friendships.
    When I told her about the CD who is considering marrying me, first she laughed, then she said that if i say yes we won’t be friends anymore because “i cannot party with her i need to go and take care of my man” when I kno this man has no problem with me partying and ALSO there are lots of things friends can do together besides partying!
    We are planning on jumping Baltimore Carnival together since we won’t be going home for our own carnival in St.Lucia. So I asked a girl at my school about it and found out that her mom is having her own carnival band this year so I thought it would be nice to go with their band. I feel interested in making friends with this girl because I felt liek in the past I didnt give her a chance and she is friends with many of my friends and also with one CD. So i talked to her and it felt very nice, warm and friendly. I saw the costumes and they were also very attractive. Not as much as those you would find in St.Lucia but I can accept that the experience will be different away from home. In the end I can see the beauty in the costumes and all i honestly care about is getting on the road and having a good time. My friend just kept asking me SO MANY QUESTIONS about prices etc which i have not yet found out the answers to. And she COMPLAINED SOOOOO MUCH about how “ugly” she thought the costumes were. I really just stopped talking about the costumes because I was feeling so overwhelmed with all of that coming to me all at once. I thought I was going to scream.



  67.  #67Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Jessie your son is funny



  68.  #68Jessie1000 on May 17, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    lol my son was arguing with me about how i just bought 70.00 sneakers and then he doesnt like them(he picked them out and just loved them) and now he needs needs needs another pair..i have no money and he was having a temper tantrum.
    he is 14
    and so i went up to leave to get my little one and he went on this blog and put that I am a lesbian…sorry everyone.

    He thinks this blog is dumb and wanted to embarass me lol



  69.  #69Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Oh wow… :O it doesnt feel that funny anymore.



  70.  #70Starla on May 17, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    emoticon, i love having woman friends. i’d rather be friends with women than with dudes. but there is one thing about it — WOMEN take the news of me CDing harder than my actual dates do! They do not like the idea at alllll.



  71.  #71Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Starla…. I can relate! I feel so much animosity coming from friends when they talk about ym dating life.



  72.  #72Jessie1000 on May 17, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    sugardip10
    dooped is a strong word.
    maybe guys are scared to be loved
    when u have been treated badly when you were young, as a man, sometimes it is very painful to feel unconditional anything
    i used to think i was a loser
    now sometimes i get caught up in my old patterns
    because im not good at creating a haven for myself where no loneliness can get in whether i have a man or not
    it means alot of work and commitment to Myself and not to other people (womens work usually means taking care of everyone but ourselves and that is sometimes comfortable and not anxiety arousing)
    dont blame yourself
    cause u are learning and relearning
    i am too
    we all are
    but at least you are trying
    dont worry we all do it
    and the best is that now there is hope in sight
    cause you refuse to be last anymore



  73.  #73Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    I love women and I love connecting with them. There is nothing like having a good girlfriend. It feels very valuable but things feels so HARD when it comes to talking about relationships. I just try not to discuss it anymore.

    My friend was pushing me, BEGGING even, for me to be in a relationship with one specific CD that she’s met. YET when he expressed that he wanted to marry me, she got angry at ME. And even said that if I go through with it we wont be friends anymore, and I believe her because she is no longer friends with her other close friend who recently got engaged.



  74.  #74Starla on May 17, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    wow, that boy is lucky he is not my son.



  75.  #75Radiant Rising on May 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    I was speaking to loverboy on email and I had expressed a worry. He said very sweetly, “No worries. You will be fine. As you are beautiful.” So I replied with a heart emoticon “If you say so.”

    The thing is, I really don’t feel beautiful and feel like I am lying to him. WTF? Where did THAT come from? *Sigh* He thinks I’m so beautiful. When we see one another again (he lives in a different state) I’m afraid he’ll be rudely awakend. 🙁

    I wished I could feel beautiful again.



  76.  #76Starla on May 17, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    Emoticon, your friend is probably pretty young and will laugh her ass off at herself in 10 years when you remind her that she felt that way:)



  77.  #77Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    I just hate all the sarcasm I sense in what she says to me. I expressed all the fun things I wanted to do this summer n she was like “before u get married my girl?”

    Then there is a jamaican song that I really like which says “man is not a issue cah mi pumpum tun up” which basically means men arent an issue cuz my p*ssy is good. LOL she tagged me in a picture on facebook which said “oh so ur pumpum tun up, you must be a decent young lady”

    Y all the negativity and sarcasm around my love and sex life? I feel soooooo confused and STUCK. every word she says to me now feels like tar on my body and i want to jus scrape it off.



  78.  #78Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Starla, you’re right. We are both pretty young. I turned 22 last week and she is 6 months younger than I am.



  79.  #79Femininewoman on May 17, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Jessie I thought that was you being funny – to get back at men.



  80.  #80Starla on May 17, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    i didn’t even lose my virginity until i was almost 22. i used to have VASTLY different views over my friends’ behavior. now i laugh at myself. Like when I was in high school and I was a boss at my job, and I gave my employees a lot of problems for using m*rijuana. I was under the belief that using pot was like using crack rocks. Fast forward a few years later and I’m a director at a legalization campaign.

    People change SO FAST at that age. Not that it makes her any less annoying, but it’s at least perspective:)



  81.  #81lilybelly on May 17, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    58: Awww, FW…I feel happy you are wondering about my thoughts on this…

    I agree that there are no rules regarding divorced/separated men. I dated a man on and off for five years who was going through a divorce and the most hateful person towards her. If I had known then what I know now, I would have left long before I did and saved myself from all of that agony. I forgive myself and him.

    It is ALWAYS to me, about their actions and so not about their pretty words. (and it doesn’t matter how long they have been out of their marriage/relationship) The truth is, they may say they aren’t ready to have a relationship but the truth is, imo, that they aren’t ready to have a relationship with whoever it is they are with. *I* am not the right one for him…

    Take a look at what happened with T and me earlier this year. He said all the right things, the pretty words, talked about living together etc…but the truth is, while he wanted all of that, he didn’t want it with ME.

    I gauge everything now, by how I feel and by his actions. That’s it. Not by any numbers or period of time.



  82.  #82Jenny on May 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    Ok – Today I gave up. Rember the “cd” who wanted me to stop having contact with other man, who after a while realized it was to put a lot presssure on both to already go steady, even when we havent meet. He now and then lash out on me; “Are you writting with other men?” adn so on and on; adn I stand my ground: “As long as I’m not getting an serious proposal, I’m keeping my option open”

    The he just keept saying I wasnt serous…and well we have been doing this rounds maybe 6 times before and Iäm was starting to feel very tiered of it so I gave up. In asked him straight up: “Are you asking me for exklusivity and totelly faithfull to each other right here and now? No contact with anybody else at all?”

    He: “No, I dont talk about faihtfull, I think its very unserious of you talking with other men”

    Me: “I’m feeling intrested in you and I have romatnic feelings. And the only way fpr me to keep myself mentaly healty and dont become needy and clingy, is to keep my option open, utnil a man give me a serious propsoal”

    He: You have such dubbel moral – if you dont stop being onlien and talk with other men I erase you here and now”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I feeling confused what you are asking of me”

    He; “You are online all the time, you are picking up men”

    Me:”I’m sorry, I dont pick up men, I have never done so”

    He: But you are on a deting site, and talking with other men”

    Me; “yes I’m – untill a man gives me a serious proposal that I say yes to”

    He:” I dont like you talking with other men”

    Me: “So you want me to stop taling with other men, give you exklusivity – and you give me exklusivity. We just talk with each other?

    He: “Well friends are ok to talk with, but I dont want you to talk with other men”

    Me: “So how do I don with men who start to talk with me on the bus, in the store?”

    ..no answer, he got offline and deleted me from his contact list – and I feel both angry and relaxed. Yes I know; I didnt use fm, adn I kind of gave him hits – I gave up…been using fm more then 6 times before about the same issue.

    I feel thankfull for the leasson – none man have gone so many rounds with me before about this exklusivity issue before and I gotten really triggered by it -but each time I feelt more and more less in defens, more and more borred- new feeling.



  83.  #83Radiant Rising on May 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    I can be beautiful…I can feel good again.

    Let’s see what could I do…go to Trader Joe’s get some beets, squash, berries, brown rice, hemp seed oil…I could be beautiful.

    If only I could get rid of this constant tummy ache. 🙁



  84.  #84Radiant Rising on May 17, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    *Sigh* I AM beautiful…I just don’t FEEL beautiful.

    It would feel so so amazing to feel beautiful. Ah to feel beautiful…so light on air, giddy and tickly in my tummy. I LOVE feeling beautiful. 🙂



  85.  #85Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    Starla, Thank you so much for your insight. I do not want to try to change anyone or even expect and wait for them to cross over to “my side” but I want to love and accept her even when I feel annoyed by her, because she’s my friend. I just wish it didnt feel so competitive. I want a friendship where we help and encourage each other and not be sarcastic and try to put each other down for the choices we make.



  86.  #86April Rose on May 17, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    “It takes a lot of work for a woman to appreciate a man who wants her. We’re just all wired to want a man who rejects us. It’s imprinted in our cells.”

    I feel very appreciative and turned on by men who want me.

    I have learnt from Rori to feel turned off by men who reject me or don’t cherish me dearly.

    Feeling adored/cherished by a masculine man is indeed the biggest turn-on for me now.



  87.  #87Femininewoman on May 17, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    Lilybelle “The truth is, they may say they aren’t ready to have a relationship but the truth is, imo, that they aren’t ready to have a relationship with whoever it is they are with. *I* am not the right one for him… ”

    That just sucks



  88.  #88Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    Bravo April Rose…. I am still in the transitionary stages of this. Its not that I feel attracted to men who treat me badly, I actually feel turned off. Its just this ONE GUY. Its a three year connection and I kno three years is not a long time but considering im 22 three years is more that 10% of my life right there! I just have so much difficulty letting go because he just does not treat me the way he used to. I am doing well staying away from him though! I can lean back, its just that I have a hard time ignoring his text msgs



  89.  #89Starla on May 17, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    yeah i feel you, emoticon. unfortunately you two may drift apart if you don’t ‘fix’ this in your friendship. you can’t have a good friendship when one looks down on the other like how she is doing with you. I’m remembering all the experiences I had when my close friend converted to islam and really started disapproving of my life.



  90.  #90Dominique on May 17, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    Receiving Girl – There can be happy stories from dating separated or divorced people too.

    I don’t think men and women respond or react all that differently, that it’s really about the individuals involved.

    I had only left my ex for two weeks before K and I got together. Yes he was a little hesitant. But I had been SO out of the marriage for SO long. As you know it all worked out well. There were never issues involving the ex.

    xxoo



  91.  #91lilybelly on May 17, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    87:

    I agree wholeheartedly that it sucks and it really did going through it. It was painful and icky. But really, I wasn’t the right one for him.

    And it’s okay.



  92.  #92Ella on May 17, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Oh.

    I am feeling so odd.

    Since last night I managed to get my focus back on me… I actuallt turned around my day and even though every now and again I would have a piney type thought I would cacth it, remember that I am the prize, soothe myself and then I felt ok again.

    Good in fact.

    I had a good day focusing on my own stuff, my work etc and it all felt kinda good.

    During the day I got a text from MWC saying he missed me.

    That felt good.

    I replied about missing him too.

    Later, very late in the day he called me… and I was just pleased to hear from him and we talked about stuff from our day.

    Then he told me that he had found his own therapist and made an appointment for early next week.

    I listened.

    I felt elated.

    It seems maybe he just needed to ‘own’ it and choose his own therapist etc…

    I get it.

    I told him I felt pleased and thanked him for doing that.

    Before he told me about the therapist he had asked me to come over and I had said not at the moment. After he told me about the therapist I said I would come over… and then he had to come off phone as he was called in to work.

    He said he would call or text me to let me know.

    After we came off the phone I text him a really gushy message saying I love him and thanks for sorting everything and bearing with me when I was feeling insecure.

    No reply.

    And now it is late 10pm and I have just received a text to say he is just clearing down and would I prefer to come over tomorrow instead?

    Ummm.

    Feels kinda icky.

    He has withdrawn a bit I think.

    Weird how this has brought my mood back down a bit.



  93.  #93Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Starla, thank you. If it plays out that way I am prepared to face that. I like who I am and I refuse to change majr things that I believe in like being a siren to please a friend or lover or anyone for that matter. So if that means that we can’t be friends anymore then so be it. I am strong on the inside and I can handle that and any hurt that it may cause.



  94.  #94Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    OH MY GOODNESS, just realized that I really am strong on the inside. One CD got annoyed at me using FMs and wanted me to stop or else it will “mess things up between us” I told him this is who I am, and that is how I feel and if it happens to mess this up then so be it. My little speech there just reminded me of that little incident earlier this week. I was shocked at how I handles that. STRONG SURRENDER leggoooo



  95.  #95Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    not a FM, i kno….. but i had to say it… JUST like that, no editing



  96.  #96Anais on May 17, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    I can relate to stories mentioned earlier with friends who don’t quite get it and get judgmental. My girl friends mean well but they do not seem to agree with a lot of my new mindset with dating. For the most part they’re more cynical than I am, even the ones in relationships. Yesterday I told them I believed that a lot of men are clueless as to how to make women happy but most *want* to make us happy, and aren’t really out to hurt us. And they were like “Well I don’t know about that. I think msot guys are stupid jerks”. But I’ve seen it with my own eyes with how being more open and optmistic about Mr Right finding me has changed the types of men I attract, and the quantity. And my friends also contradict themselves. e.g. in the past when I pined over a guy I was dating, they would be all “well if he really wants to be with you, you’ll know”. while when I’m lightly talking about some guy who has a crush on me, (in a non gossipy way) they ask so many questions and act like we’re gonna walk the aisle tomorrow. And I say well I just met him or I’m just having fun and he’s nice. It’s a bit irritating so these days I mainly share my dating stories with my mom the way I do here because she listens and doesn’t do all that other stuff…



  97.  #97Ella on May 17, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    I feel totally out of control here.

    I know we are never in control anyway. Not really.

    I feel icky.

    I have never really felt like he was not coming at me before.

    But I do now at the moment.

    I feel stupid.

    I feel rejected.

    Ouch.

    I’ve leaned forward, been insecure and messed things up for myself.

    Ouuhey.

    :-/

    It feels TERRIBLE to think that he doesn’t want to see me or may be having some doubts.

    I don’t know if any of that is true…

    But I can feel the energy withdrawn from his end… not how it usually is.

    Or maybe I am just adding my own meaning through my own filters…



  98.  #98Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    Anais thats great…. I wish I had sirens to hang out with in real life. Not sure how my mom will repsond but we will see and she is s far away 🙁



  99.  #99Starla on May 17, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    alaska texted me and then i asked him to move to email cuz it’s easier for me when i’m at work, and now i’m crack-craving, refreshing my inbox for his responses!
    ohhh, starla,

    with all my guys, i “act” like i’m too busy to be wrapped up in them. Which is partly true — i am genuinely busy. But I’ll always let my wrappedupness come first, and if I’ve been trying extra hard to hide it, it’ll come out explosively down the line.

    Guys can sense it, I’m sure.

    f*ck.



  100.  #100Emoticon on May 17, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    (((((((Starla))))))))



  101.  #101Ella on May 17, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    Oh he just text me back that he loves me so so much…

    Awww.



  102.  #102Ella on May 17, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Oh.. I am totally realising that so much of what is going on are my issues.

    Stemming from me feeling insecure. At this time.

    Within a relationship, when I start caring for someone and feeling something, it brings up all this stuff for me. My system seems to go on high alert and ANYTHING that happens immediatley triggers my brain to go to the worst case scenario and all this always leads to ‘he doesn’t love me’ and ‘he will leave me’ which make no sense at all!!

    Aww.

    Ok, its an old, scared NV inside me…

    An old, out of date belief.

    And sometimes I can catch it, and riff and do something else, and sometimes I can’t and it TOTALLY totally gets me… and gets me to believe it.

    And I so, so see how I am putting all these events through my filters, and giving them this negative meaning, when in fact there is no reason, and no evidence to do this…

    I assume the worst.

    When I catch it, it feels so good to turn it around, and even assume the best. Or at least that it will all just work out and I am fabolous anyway.

    I feel terribly afraid of this voice in me… and its potential to do damage :-/

    But maybe if I can shine the light on it… and listen to it, I will realise it is not such a scary monster.

    Just a part of me from my past.

    A stranger.

    One of my scared little girls who has been screaming so much because she has been unheard… because she has been left alone in the dark for so long.

    That her screams have made her seem like a monster.

    A scary one.

    But she is just a scared little girl.



  103.  #103Ella on May 17, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Time and time and time again, when I have feared the worst with MWC, and even been CONVICED that I am right about what meaning I have given to a situation.

    He has come through for me and I have been SO SO WRONG!

    I feel like such a problem child at the moment.

    Breaking everything and creating drama in my wake.

    So why do I find it SO SO HARD to feel trust?

    Why, when he has proved himself again and again.

    What is it in me that can’t trust him?

    Does it matter what it is and why, or is it enough just to aknowledge it?

    I feel unsure about how to deal with this at the moment.

    Trusting feels like jumping off a cliff!

    Yes… putting my trust in someone feels like jumping off a cliff.

    Although I know I only need to trust myself… but I can’t always hear myself, because these negative filters get in the way.



  104.  #104Ella on May 17, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    I know I only need to trust me.

    I can be steady and gentle with myself.

    I just feel clutchy, flaily at the moment.

    I am finding my equilibrium again… had it again today…

    Its not far away. My horse is not far away from me.

    I may go to bed early and watch Reconnect.

    And breath.

    I do love me.

    I have always loved me.

    It would just feel so good to just relax and be able to assume the best… about MWC, about my relationship, about all my relationships, about men in general. About life.

    I could do EFT around trust… letting go etc…

    And right now just an early night and resting would feel good.

    I sometimes wonder if I couldn’t do more to pick up my mood when I get muddy pond like this…

    But sometimes I just feel so tired.

    I can’t ‘do’ another thing.



  105.  #105Rebecca on May 17, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    We are wired to want a man who rejects us??!!

    Ooohh I hate being a woman. These words are soooo scary to me…

    I am sobbing with pain and pity for my poor self. I hate to feel this lack of control. It is so horrible being a woman and only liking it when men treat us badly. But it is sooo true. In my case I am only ever interested in a man if he rejects me… Grrrr I hate being a woman. I hate the way I am peogrammed and conditioned – it is so tough. It is so hard playing games all the time. Constantly wondering if I am doing the right thing or not. And in my case usually not – but just nothing works for me. I am convinced there is nothing I can do about it and I feel sad…:(



  106.  #106Daria on May 17, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    RORI’s GOIN HAM!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂



  107.  #107Annie on May 17, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    Rori I feel confused about this advice to Tony .
    Can you help me?
    I no longer want a man who rejects me or has any other women in his life I feel repelled by that now.
    I really do feel repelled and sick to my stomach now, where before I felt like I wanted them more.
    And isn’t every woman on this blog doing her best to rewire her brain to reject any man like that so we get a man who treats us well and feel loved and turned on by him, instead of someone who will treat us bad and chase other women.



  108.  #108Starla on May 17, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    ((((((((((Rebecca)))))))))))))



  109.  #109Sassy on May 17, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    This blog, you women, Rori and Dominique are teaching me more than I have ever known in the past 56 years, about life, love, men and most importantly, me. You are literally saving me. I feel humbled.



  110.  #110Daria on May 17, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    im feeling ujncomfortable reading most of the first 50 comments.

    it seems (to me) like Rori’s words are goin in in one year and out the other

    ppl are just right back to the old obsessive script “oh i shoulda woulda coulda its only cuz of the divorce, you shouldnt date you shouldnt date at work ou shoiuldnt date recently divorced etc”

    i feel compelled to YELL at everyone!!! HELLOO!!!

    aren’t you here for the Rori Raye program!!

    the woman just said its all good to date divorced men! ADN She said to Circular DAte all the time until you have the commitment you want AND she said dont take breaks from dating And that its ok to date in the workplace

    this is all none of my biz and yet i love my curiosity and how much i care about others that i feel pulled in

    im noticing my own patterns

    my compulsion to ‘yell’ and ‘make wrong’

    and that i actually feel UPSET

    about this

    i wonder what this si about

    🙁

    i feel frowny face

    i want to heal this

    is this about getting beaten an yelled when i ‘wasnt gettin it’ in school?

    i want to heal this

    i feel DELIGHTED that im noticing my own EMOTIONS with this, and not just going into the pattern of yelling without noticing

    ((((Daria))))



  111.  #111Daria on May 17, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    *goin in one ear an out the other



  112.  #112Daria on May 17, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    im imagining defensive responses and i feel defensive and sad

    i feel guilty for judging ppls process

    and im actually sure that its part of healing as i notice in my own life theres a resistance period till it all heals beautifully

    im feeling tingly in my mouth and tight n my thigh

    mmm

    i feel SCARED!

    (((Daria))))

    thank you for sharing your feelings

    thank you for intending to heal me

    you’re just precious! 🙂 🙂 🙂

    I love it when you post



  113.  #113Daria on May 17, 2012 at 3:57 pm

    Jessie – i felt touched actually and got a protective loving vibe undre that comment from your son where he write “guy problems won’t matter anymore”

    i get the impression he cares a lot more about your life and what he sees as guy ‘problems’ than he lets on



  114.  #114Daria on May 17, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    Jessie – I would use feeling messages with my son and be asking him what he thinks (esp at 14, 4 and up really)

    i would also let him know i feel disappointed he doesnt like them and also feel guilty not having the money and will get him the shoes he Does want ASAP

    he’s a man. i woudl respect his decision on the shoes

    as Rori says in the article, the way you dress and carry yourself as a man has a lot to do with Personal Authority and self esteem for a man

    at 14, it feels challenging to “get it right” in fashion!! – one just doesnt know what is appropriate, so thers experimenting and comparing and observing the reactions of others – He may have thought the first shoes were the “right” ones, but then felt horrified and disappointed to find out they were not. He’s now adjusting his taste and choice.

    It feels awful to not have the clothes that will not be ‘less than’ or support that Personal Authority and Self Esteem – ESPECIALLY at that age where other outside accomplishments like career etc, are not available to a man to support his sense of self

    I know i felt ‘less than’ a lot at that age, due to the clothes. I felt like an outsider and a wannabe due to my not top of the line clothes and I still do!!!! I remember scenes from those times like it’s yesterday

    and I want to heal that.



  115.  #115Daria on May 17, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    I would ask him how he thinks you all should handle it as far as budgeting for the shoes right now



  116.  #116ReceivingGirl on May 17, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    Lessonsbeinglearned, Emoticon, Hopeful, Mel, FW, Lilybelly, Dominique

    Thank you all for your input. I haven’t made any decisions yet. I plan on seeing what happens on Saturday.

    I have no idea where the divorce is at, how long it’s been going on, how long they’ve been separated. I do plan on this being a topic of discussion prior to making any decision. I’m sure he will ask me about my annulment since I put it on POF & that will be my opening.

    I do know his brother-in-law (the wife’s brother) & he was saying (right in front of Mr. Observant) all these great things about him trying to sell Mr. Observant to me. He said, him & his sister just fought way too much and it wasn’t good. He told me Mr. Observant is a really, really good guy. Mr. Observant didn’t comment during this conversation.

    Caveat: Brother-in-law wanted to date me previously, but I wasn’t interested. He also thinks I make bad judgments when it comes to men, which he said in that conversation as well. So he’s trying to get me with a good guy (in his opinion), whom he thinks is a good judgment call. Who knows if it is. Mr. Observant has also been friends with my guy friends since kindergarten.

    On POF, he says he’s looking for a relationship. He also knows I’m on POF too. If he does ask me out Saturday, which is what I am thinking will happen, I will agree, but also let him know I feel a little uncertain and would like him to share with me where he stands. At this point, I don’t want to have sex with a married man. My friends divorce took years because the wife fought everything.

    Although, right now I am being a hypocrite because I started dating a couple weeks after I separated from my ex-husband and I was having sex. However, I feel marriage should be respected and had I actually had a real marriage, I would have respected that. It took 9 months just for my annulment.

    I’m a person who when I decide I’m done and it’s over, then it’s over. I tend to put in so much of myself that when I give up it’s because I have nothing left. Now that I found Rori, I won’t be giving as much of myself, I will be allowing the man to give and me to receive.

    I’m not one who has transition people and I used to jump from relationship to relationship with no issues, so I know from experience it is possible to be able to move on quickly. It all depends on the person.

    I will see how I feel about things. I don’t know him all too well. At the last party, he asked me what I thought of him and that’s exactly what I told him. “I don’t know you all that well, but you seem like a nice guy.”

    When he asked if I was in a relationship and I said I wasn’t really sure, he backed of on hitting on me. That left an impression on me. Every other guy I’ve ever known didn’t back off and he did. That tells me something about his character. BoatGuy didn’t work out and Mr. Observant knows that, yet, he hasn’t asked me out. He’s been slowly moving towards it and I think he will on Saturday.

    He’s all about me and that is something else I’ve never experienced before. He wants to know what I want, what I like, about my career, about my art, he wants to see my drawing I did for school, etc.

    So far, he’s impressed me on many aspects. Also, since I am friends with all his friends and they adore me, I don’t think he would date me if he just needed to sow his oats. I think he would look elsewhere. This group of friends is pretty tight knit and they talk & they fight. I’ve been the topic of a fist fight before.

    Bottom line is, I’m not going to hold his status against him, but I’m also not going to rush into anything. I’m going to take it all in and see how I feel.

    I get the impression he’s a masculine man and he likes to give. His profile says he likes to surprise the gal he’s with. He’s already “done” things to take care of me at the last party. And, it seemed automatic. He was also extremely polite and respectful.

    He seems really great, but there is a part of me that worries because of the stories I hear about separated and newly divorced men.

    I will keep you ladies posted about what happens at the party and I would love for your feedback.



  117.  #117Aurora Girl on May 17, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    Daria

    oddly enough, the story above triggered me….and I was being honest about it on the blog up top…..even the guys name was the same! So it’s not so much we’re not using Rori’s tools and growing…but stuff comes up chickie and we’re processing it right?

    Years ago “Tony” for me was a married guy at work who was not happy in his marriage of over 20 years so he took it upon himself to become a bit of a player at work….he “dated” women there…out for lunch……long coffee breaks (I mean hours)…some married, some not…but some vulnerable in that their own marriages were breaking down (voila moi!) and it messed with my head big time….he started talking me out of sorting out my marriage and tried to convince me how he and I should be together…..he had this pattern with other women as well but neither of us knew it…

    until one day we all accidentally found out and figured it out too….

    by then he was putting employees at risk for being out too long for lunch, missing meetings etc. and that wasn’t good.

    He was in it for himself period.

    If I knew then what I know now I would have walked through that totally differently..

    Obviously it still smarts for me and I need to heal parts of it……

    but thankfully the blog helps with that!

    xo
    Aurora



  118.  #118Daria on May 17, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    Annie – Rori is just asking him to take a reassessment…

    shes’ REJECTING him

    she HAS ANOTHER MAN

    he’s suffering

    he needs to get some of his mojo back so he CAN pursue her in a way that feels good to HER!

    i wouldn’t feel safe being pursued by a man with not a shred of self esteem … thats the road he’s going to… to be that guy who says “well you wouldn’t like me anyway, but would you go out?” ick!



  119.  #119Daria on May 17, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    Aurora Girl – ack! i feel uncomfortable being explained to

    i didn’t want that to happen and i thought it would and it did and i feel defensive a bit now

    i feel unheard really

    and i feel… scared?

    angry?

    i feel… a tiny bit scared and angry

    and i feel scared and uncomfortale and guilty writing that



  120.  #120Daria on May 17, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    Aurora Girl – hmm i feel judgemental a bit

    aren’t those employees responsible for their own time and lunch breaks?

    and why wouldn’t a person be in it for themselves?

    it feels bad reading those judgements of that guy

    and i feel guilty writing this



  121.  #121Aurora Girl on May 17, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    lol

    “stuff comes up chickie and we’re processing it right?”

    xo
    🙂



  122.  #122Daria on May 17, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    oh no!

    another day where like 5 guys said they want to see me, the first one already canceled

    and i havent’ heard from any others!!!

    🙁

    feelin tense and panicked

    ((((Daria))))



  123.  #123Daria on May 17, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    Aurora – i feel kinda ‘dead’/numb/put off again bein explained to



  124.  #124Aurora Girl on May 17, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    103 Ella

    Thank you for sharing this:

    “Time and time and time again, when I have feared the worst with MWC, and even been CONVICED that I am right about what meaning I have given to a situation…..He has come through for me and I have been SO SO WRONG””””

    and this:
    “Although I know I only need to trust myself… but I can’t always hear myself, because these negative filters get in the way.”

    I can really relate! I am doing something very very similar!

    It;s like the better it gets, the bigger the NV ‘s get…..the more we trust, the more challenging it is to trust more……..! I posted on the last of the previous blog about my Olympic Sized NV’s last night…….it took all day to flush them out of my system and some words spoken by my sweety today to totally neutralize them and help me feel calm again…..

    What it tells me is that the damage my heart has known is not completely healed yet….and it runs deeply……..some past hurts HAVE changed me….and the healing continues……

    thankfully!!!

    xo
    Aurora



  125.  #125Daria on May 17, 2012 at 4:51 pm

    i feel pist off . irritated

    i was feelin great earlier

    maybe this ‘i feel so lonely’ thing is just a thought, and i don’t evne feel lonely really

    when i want to sink into present moment i feel really sad and lonely right now

    i want to be with these feelings, and i don’t know that i can,

    it seems i outta control bounce up to do a masc energy thing

    i want to respond to my online messages, and im feeling afraid to do it, in that i will also be creating expectations of seeing these people TODAY

    and wanting to make plans for today

    which i now have none

    i don’t know what i can do that would feel fun right now, except smoke weed

    i can do a hypnosis session!

    im beating up on myself for just wanting to do something to hurry up and have time go by until SOME man decides to spend time with me

    that feels bad

    (((Daria)))



  126.  #126Daria on May 17, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    im goin to respond to my pof messages instead as i feel less urgency to make pof men meet me righ tnow than i do with my other site full of men

    what if men were asking to meet me right now on it tho?

    i would feel so trhilled, and also i would feel disappointed if it didn’t work out



  127.  #127Aurora Girl on May 17, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    I feel happy you can express how you feel Daria.

    I am honoured to be part of the processing we all do here.

    I feel so relieved some days to be able to be myself here.

    (((my raw, work in progress self )))



  128.  #128ReceivingGirl on May 17, 2012 at 5:27 pm

    My guy friend is coming over tonight to spray my wasp nests for me. I feel so grateful.



  129.  #129Gemini on May 17, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    Emoticon #77…love that song! dancehall mi seh! 🙂



  130.  #130ReceivingGirl on May 17, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    I have 45 messages to respond to on POF. I’ve only replied to 2 so far, Mr. Observant & a widower. I just told the widower it doesn’t feel like he’s ready & he should take his time to heal & not worry if other people feel he should date. His friend created his profile. I feel sad for him. He seems nice & I really feel he’s heartbroken.



  131.  #131Brandylion on May 17, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    Well sirens, that was it. My last training run before the marathon on Sunday. It was just a little 3 mile tune-up to stay relaxed, and it felt great! I have a 3-mile walk on the schedule for tomorrow, also just to stay moving and relaxed.

    The closer we get, the less nervous I feel. I put my boy to work earlier this week coming up with a plan to minimize stress on the day of the event, especially around the issue of transportation and parking, and a good solution was reached.

    Family, friends, and coworkers have been offering well-wishes, support, and advice, and I feel really taken care of.

    And, I was grousing to myself about my lack of CDs earlier today, and I got home to find two invitations to coffee from men whom I feel curious about! Yay!



  132.  #132ReceivingGirl on May 17, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    Brandylion

    Good luck in the marathon!



  133.  #133Jessie1000 on May 17, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    daria
    thanks ….my son would love what you wrote….he is mad at me over my Beau cause this guy used to leave $50.00 for macky like every weekend to buy whatever he liked because i wont accept the money….now me and the beau are not as tight and he is looking for me to cough it up…he got a touch spoiled…although he is super good with his money

    I had already told him he could do chores for the money and however he wanted to spend it was fine but I wouldnt GIVE him another 70.00 and he had to wait until baby bonus day…lol

    He loves my Beau, once we took him and his buddies to montreal to a skate park for the day…and food and candy cause my man works in a convenience store…
    and his personality is really nice with kids cause he is from a family of 13 and im from 1 of 9 so we are similar mentalities…

    but the Beau and me are no longer…we are barely talking and only going to the gym now …no chilling and im lonely for him…but I still read rori raye every day cause it actually keeps me so calm at bed time when i go to bed and I feel like saying…to the kids how much i love them and that i feel proud of them and that I feel so happy when we get along and all of roris feeling messages cause they have magic power on my boys….although this afternoon was a bit rough and i was pretty cool although my teen son said i was a hobo and i should get a real job again and i almost cried but i didnt react….lol



  134.  #134sunshine on May 17, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    I feel really weird confused but hopeful after reading Rori’s blog and other recent blogs…

    I want to just sit and feel whatever it is i am feeling no matter what it is.
    Right now I feel sad and miss a guy who is in a relationship and cant forget about him. I sometimes still feel like he has feelings for me but at the end of the day hes the one being the siren and i feel angry.
    I need to Circular Date but I hope I wont feel dissappointed I also feel scared to be rejected because I felt and feel rejected by this past guy friend of mine.
    I feel strange but I gotta give Circular Dating another try I just hope its not a false attempt to forget about him but that it really will attract a loving sexy partner.
    I dont think Im that messed up I feel attracted to nice guys, sweet guys even dorks who get a little nervous around me BUT they gotta show some confidence too along with the vulnerability and something quirky, sexy about them even if its off (like me lol)
    Dear God please help me here cus this pain from the past has gotta gooooooooooooooooo



  135.  #135Jessie1000 on May 17, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    Im not a hobo
    Im not homeless
    Ive never been homeless
    and i always have at least
    20.00 in my account
    Even if I had only 10.00
    I would still not be a hobo
    or a dork



  136.  #136Starla on May 17, 2012 at 7:24 pm

    (((((((((((sunshine)))))))))))))))))
    i feel moved by your post. something about it feels very attractive and loveable.



  137.  #137Starla on May 17, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    the water company erroneously credited me as paying a bill i didn’t actually pay, cuz I forgot. But I just got this months bill, and it’s paid for 😀

    ((((((((((((((universe))))))))))))))))))



  138.  #138Jessie1000 on May 17, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    Familiarity is a hook
    Someone who ignores me?
    Just like my dad
    I always loved to follow him around and
    he rewarded me for it by saying I was his favourite
    if i didnt do that then i would have had no dad
    He was very in his head and cold
    and abusive to my mom
    once i heard him rape her but i still wanted to be his favourite
    and that bothers me alot now
    cause i hate liking people who feel like home but
    are idiots
    it was better to be the favourite (baby of 9) of a super abusive guy than it was to have no attention
    he never believed i could amount to anything
    he never told me i was any good
    he barely acknowledged me more than a few times in my life after i was kicked out
    he walked me down the aisle but he never even called me again after that for years
    he told me my divorce was my fault cause i hate cooking…a good wife should cook
    he doesnt even know what my youngest son looks like nor does he bother

    when someone is kind to me or loves me i feel sick all over
    i feel angry so freakin angry at my dad for never taking me to swimming lessons or to get ice cream
    I feel soo angry that i ever loved him
    i feel so angry that when a man is good to me, really good to me i shake all over
    i feel scared
    i feel like love is not what i deserve
    i feel scared to have alot of attention
    i feel like running
    and hiding so
    i dont bother
    and stick with the boys
    that i dont need like i need a hole in my head
    i lose my voice with the good ones
    i feel like crying all the time
    i barely suppress my inner pain and kindness makes me feel like im going to completely lose my mind
    im sad for me
    im sad for not having intimacy nor being capable of handling it when it appeared
    im happy i have kids
    but i struggle every day to speak openly to them about my feelings
    i struggle sometimes when they were young to hug them like they wanted because i wasnt used to being touched
    one woman told me that other clients she had seen with similar lives were all drug addicts and completely unfunctioning
    the only thing I think that saves me is i like advice
    i like all advice
    and i absorb it and try it
    i copy everyone that is nice around me
    i copy my bosses and the way they act at parties
    i copy my boyfriends and the way that they deal with problems
    i copy older ladies and the way that they nurture children
    i have copied so many people in my life to patch together the person i am now
    i am a patchwork of impressions
    and i copy you sirens
    i copy rori raye
    i listen and i observe
    and all of you heal me
    dont feel sorry for me
    just remember my story
    and that i am not afraid to tell it
    so you can tell your story too
    because no one will ever feel alone if they just keep gettin up in the morning
    and finding new people to copy
    and new advice to hear
    and new impressions to absorb



  139.  #139Jessie1000 on May 17, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    daria
    earlier i read my son ur comment
    and he told me he loves me
    and i could tell he was thankful you understood him
    cause i think u were right about clothes and fashion
    and decisions
    thank you



  140.  #140ReceivingGirl on May 17, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    (((Jessie)))



  141.  #141Starla on May 17, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    There is so much positive stuff going for me in my life right now. Even though i honestly feel really adrift at sea, I can see that everything is just getting better and better for me. It’s like I’m sailing from New Jersey on a raft and feeling all adrift and cold and confused and wanting to stop paddling, but not having any interest in living the rest of my life in New Jersey, because eventually, I will arrive to the Bahamas and live in paradise.



  142.  #142sunshine on May 17, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    Thanks so much Starla!! that was so kind and I feel good reading your compliment…I am loveable!its time for me to be a siren…I feel selfish because I dont want men to use Roris treasured advice its our secret power haha I feel protective after reading this blog ! and i feel competitive against men right now



  143.  #143Radlove on May 17, 2012 at 8:12 pm

    Daria,

    Now CO isn’t emailing anymore. I suppose there is nothing I can do but lean back, huh?

    He goes into hiding every time i give him a feeling message about meeting in person.

    It feels so difficult to simply arrive at a first date. It feels impossible to simply be a wife in this lifetime.



  144.  #144Radlove on May 17, 2012 at 8:33 pm

    Well I could possibly lose the job. They are doing a background check that is completely electronic, as I have never seen. The agency recruiter called me today to say the college information doesn’t add up, and he asked me for details. He said it may be a deal breaker that I don’t have a BA. I attended college for 4.5 years, but I changed my major four times, so I lost a lot of credit hours. I just have to ride it out, and I sure hope this doesn’t mess it up.

    I spent the evening with a good friend, and I had a better time than I’ve had in a long time! We met at a restaurant and ate and drank during happy hour. She wasn’t drunk so she drove with me to my house, and she drove. and then we had more drinks, and it felt so nice to have company. She talked really deeply with me, and she knows me well after 3 years. She was very encouraging, then we went out on the trampoline in the dark and jumped together, and it was so much fun! She was giggling, dancing, and singing the whole time! Her husband came to pick her up, and he smiled, saying “She is a little girl.” I had a really wonderful time!

    I feel really tired and I am wanting to go to bed and relax with the kittens.



  145.  #145Starla on May 17, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    Radlove, let the outcome of the 1st date go. You can just let men know that you don’t want to get too involved with anyone you haven’t met in person, and it would feel great to hear from them when they can make that possible.
    Then turn your attention away from the man completely. He will come through or he won’t. Love yourself and save your energy.



  146.  #146Coco Kisses on May 17, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    That was an intresting article…..vety true how us womrn love the bad boys.

    Today i dpoke with my husbsmd and i was sooooooooo not sireny….he was getting on my nerves, acting all jealous, bevause im having friends over my house and other males over…he is soooo frustrating…..when im on my laptop i will tell u guys everything….i feel irritated trying to tupe on my tablet



  147.  #147Starla on May 17, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    Thank you, Starla, for working out even longer tonight
    Thank you for being brave
    Thank you for feeding me yogurt and coconut water
    Thank you for getting me to work a little earlier today. It felt nice and stress-free to walk part of the way and not feel rushed to get to the office.
    Thank you for at least leaning back today. Even though it’s true that my ultimate goal is to completely detox off of men and my addiction to them, I am not going to beat myself up. Not leaning forward is an excellent step to recovery!
    Thank you for giving me permission to let myself fall apart today, and not try to piece any of myself back together or ‘fix’ my feelings. Thank you for letting me just ‘be’ as-is.
    Thank you for acknowledging my feelings:)



  148.  #148sunshine on May 17, 2012 at 9:32 pm

    Jessie 1000 reading your post I feel angry at the people who harmed you because you are striving above that however the past is a challenge and rightfully so. I feel frustrated that you have to go through this past because you want to overcome and I feel a desire for you to accomplish whatever it is that you must, to get out of life what you rightfully deserve. May your past be but a learning experience for your good because thats what you deserve. I see your good will in what you wrote and i feel your honesty I appreciate your realness, keep healing wish you the best



  149.  #149Starla on May 17, 2012 at 9:38 pm

    (((((((((((((((((NV’s)))))))))))))))))))))



  150.  #150Starla on May 17, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    Feeling very proud of and grateful for the level of pure freedom and creative license I have when it comes to my own life. This is what I always wanted, and I do believe I finally made it <3. In fact, I think CF poofing was what finally landed me here. I feel blessed beyond belief. I think what I have in my life is rare, and there aren't too many people who can do whatever they want to do and create whatever life they want for themselves with nothing and no one getting in the way. My life is limitless opportunity and possibility right now. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.



  151.  #151Starla on May 17, 2012 at 10:34 pm

    I am going to throw myself a 1 woman champagne party a-la Lizka to celebrate my life and my achievements and how I am finally in the very place I have been working so hard to get to. 🙂



  152.  #152Emerson on May 18, 2012 at 12:01 am

    finally getting around to commenting on the article…
    This part really struck me

    “It takes a lot of work for a woman to appreciate a man who wants her. We’re just all wired to want a man who rejects us. It’s imprinted in our cells.”

    Wow is that true? It scares me a lil bit.



  153.  #153Emerson on May 18, 2012 at 12:05 am

    I saw the cute guy at work again!!!

    He was asking me questions like wanting to get to know me…awww…and he got close to me and I realized I like his SCENT…ladies you know we’ve talked about it!!!

    OMG he even gave me a hug and I felt turned on I’m not kidding…hee hee…

    He asked me to go with a work group tomorrow for happy hour after work but I cannot go, but it was sweet he asked me a couple of times!!!

    He looks at me like I”m SUPER interesting every time I talk!

    I feel self conscious but I feel happy and keep telling him feeling messages! I get tongue tied sometiems tho and I don’t say anything haha!!

    Aw he is sooo sweet…I’m crushing on him back right now. Hee hee….

    Oh I need to think of a name for him…?? Not sure!



  154.  #154Ella on May 18, 2012 at 12:10 am

    Receiving Girl re 30,

    Isn’t that his business and his choice?

    It feels a little masculine energy to be telling him what he should do and whether he should date or not.

    I wonder what is going on with you to make you feel the need to tell him this?

    Just what came up for me reading your post and I feel curious about this.



  155.  #155Ella on May 18, 2012 at 12:12 am

    Sorry I meant 130 not 30!



  156.  #156Emerson on May 18, 2012 at 12:23 am

    Hi Ella
    🙂



  157.  #157Emerson on May 18, 2012 at 12:25 am

    I feel intrigued by the idea of being a wife and a mother but it also scares me when I REALLY think it might be possible!

    Hmm something to ponder…I do want it….but it seems a bit scary..



  158.  #158Emerson on May 18, 2012 at 12:26 am

    I feel like this guy at work is so attracted to me….and I feel NVs saying well there must be something WRONG with him!!

    There is something “wrong” with all of us and nothing wrong with any of us!!



  159.  #159Jessie1000 on May 18, 2012 at 12:36 am

    sunshine…thank you
    its wierd that right after i wrote that and had such a good cry
    (i dont think i ever told a counsellor about my dads evilness to my mom)

    I just felt devestated. Like speaking it out loud (on blog) made it even more true and real….my poor mother and we are estranged so its hard to heal together about the past

    and my 3rd husband called and asked me how i was doing.

    he never calls unless like once in a blue moon

    he said he walked by smittys in our old town and remembered when we went for b.fast all the time there

    and that there isnt one single thing that he does in the town and doesnt think about me

    he said that every park we walked and song we sang together and bar we drank at–every step is another memory of me

    and trust me this relationship was like the most imaginary relationship anyone could ever have….he married me but I like to call it …hey yah lets get married so jessie can chase her husband for five years and feel exhausted—hes super super kind and super super loving to my kids but he just never talked about anything…hes a quiet person and i overfunctioned like crazy.

    He dumped me when I left to do my phd…told me i will go home to see my mom and meet you in ontario and just disappeared for like 8 months….

    Anyway, my point to sunshine and to all is that even an imaginary relationship can sometimes be positive….
    I met him and raised 2 kids without financial hardship
    He never ever yelled at me or was even cross with me
    He treated my kids like they were gold….like they were the most imp. creatures on earth.
    When I met him I was in undergrad. Beside him, sort of, I started and passed my masters degree. (with 2kids)
    He played with me and the kids and in some ways taught me how to play and have fun in the house.
    He is still my friend.

    Imaginary relationships are not always failures. Maybe for me, they were places to start in and if they arent abusive, they may allow some support and growth until you are in a place to be ready for a good relationship?

    He taught me to love everyone and see the good in everyone.
    Maybe he wasnt mine forever, nor will he likely ever be anyones forever, cause he is a big time commitment phobe….

    But he was mine for a while

    And he still loves me…and thinks about me too



  160.  #160Tiffany on May 18, 2012 at 12:50 am

    ReceivingGirl #38 says:

    “I think it’s more of a familiarity thing. I’ve never had to watch what I eat because I’ve always been skinny. It just not something I had to ever think about and now I do for other reasons. And, I’m the only healthy convert in my family, well my brother too but he lives in a different state, so that makes it difficult with family functions. My parents are so unaccepting about it that I don’t discuss my eating habits with them because it feels icky. I hear them talk down about my brother’s weird healthy eating habits all the time and I just don’t want to bother with it. I’m avoiding. They constantly monitor what I eat when I’m around them and judge because they think I have an eating disorder since I’m so thin and then rest of my family isn’t.”

    Well, this is turning into more of a conversation than I thought! lol. Seemed like such an off-hand comment that you made, but food is really important, and the way our families treat it can affect us a lot. I’m sure there’s a lot of that going on for you, since it seems your family, and maybe your close friends are not in the same mode of thinking about it as you are.

    Food and community often go together. Not saying you have to ditch them all, but you are being a leader by making your own way, regardless of what they say. Nevertheless, it might help to have some people around you who also value healthy eating! I know that, for me, eating healthy has always been a priority for most of all my social circles. So for me, it is kind of the opposite.

    But you sound like a strong person with good ideas about what you want for yourself. I am sure that you can get really creative and find a middle ground. And also some cool, tasty AND healthy treats to have at your party…I believe you can do it. 🙂

    The Internet is full of recipes! : )



  161.  #161Tiffany on May 18, 2012 at 12:58 am

    Jessie – that was hilarious! I’m sure that your son was trying to be all mean and nasty, but I find it so humorous. Like when my friend’s BF used to hijack her FB page and post lewd comments…it was always really funny, especially when she would come back on and make snarky retorts. Omg, I kind of miss that! lol



  162.  #162Tiffany on May 18, 2012 at 1:11 am

    Hm….I feel. Like I am so happy. Still buzzing from my date on Wednesday…Mmm…

    MM said that he wanted to see me this week, and I said I was busy. But he really wanted to see me because he is leaving town for two weeks on Friday. So I made time, and I am totally okay with that. In fact, I feel grateful!

    At the end of the date, I thanked him – and then he thanked me! It felt really genuine. And then, he just looked seriously happy as he was leaving my house. That felt good 🙂

    Of course, I was probably glowing all over and throwing off sparkles. Bet I still am… : ) The man is so nice to be around. Smells nice, tastes nice, good kisser…I still don’t know him very well at all. But I can enjoy the moment and be open to finding out more…

    Meanwhile, trying not to get too needy or clingy with my other new CD (one of them). Let’s call him TBN. I really don’t do the ole “damsel in distress” role very well. I think there is something off in my presentation… ; ) lol But I am stepping back. Getting back into myself and my own feelings…

    Other new CD, who can be SF, asked me out on a date in the weirdest way tonight. I swear it was like a cave man conversation. All his texts were appx one word long. lol. so I called him out on it. I wrote, “Man of few words, eh?” He said he’s been working a lot.

    Anyway, I can’t go to the movie with him, because I will be going on a retreat this weekend, where I will be focusing 120% on me, me, me, delicious me.

    And Oooohhh, it will be sooo delicious : )

    I’ve never done this before. It feels strange and wonderful and scary. And I feel so excited!



  163.  #163Lucy on May 18, 2012 at 1:20 am

    Oh my. How sad. I feel glad that I am not a woman who wants a “bad boy” or “a man who rejects me,” but really do want “a man who wants me.” I feel hopeful that many other women are like this too.



  164.  #164confessions on May 18, 2012 at 1:30 am

    Hi Ladies
    Confessions of a cheating heart
    I am happily engaged….. and in love with another man, lets call him M. We had a little affair a couple of years ago (did not sleep together) and I broke it of with sheer self discipline (not wanting to be a cheater) and the honest belief that the feeling will surely go away if I just wait it out and be strong (it has to doesn’t it?)….. and I never stopped loving him or thinking about him, everything reminds me of him, the feelings have not even faded over the years, we have never seen each other again but I feel that I want to because I am so tired of missing him, I just want him right here in my arms. I just want to be selfish and just have him in my arms once more, only if it is just for a minute or an hour. we talk every so often say once in about 3 months, just basic chit chat. . I told him that I miss him (just to get it off my chest, I just could not keep it in any longer, my discipline was fading) he expressed his feelings toward me for the first time over e-mail (its a big thing for me because he is very shy)I asked him why he never told me and he said that he respects my relationship and my partner, he said that he misses me even though he does not say it…. I have no intentions of leaving my man, I feel that I just do not have the courage to leave my whole LIFE my security, my stability, the ground underneath my feet my rock, for a maybe, for FEELINGS. (Could it be that Tony’s engaged girlfriend could feel that same thing even though she really likes Tony) Crucify me, I want to see him just once more, I want him to wrap his arms around me just once more, I am planning to see him again, just once more, just for one hour. I am not really asking if it is wrong,I know it is wrong…… crucify me. this is just the confessions of a cheating heart.



  165.  #165Jenny on May 18, 2012 at 1:53 am

    …ok update from my post in *82*…that guy just contacted me on the website – less tehn 12 hours from when he deleted me.

    Hmm I feel giggle and borred.

    He just wrote: “If you want me, I’m yours”

    I’m starting to feel lost – he keep saying he is mine, he wants me, but he never ask me. Yes he ask if we can meet – but I cant go to him and he cant get to me :/

    I feel frustrated, and smiling and I thinake some time of to feel after what I want to respond to him.

    Any thought ladies?



  166.  #166Daria on May 18, 2012 at 2:52 am

    Lucy – hmm i feel kinda defensive reading that

    I notice myself feeling angry

    Wanting to prove wrong

    (((Daria)))

    I wonder what this showed up to heal

    I’m feeling so angry

    I’m feeling unseen

    Not honored

    I’m feeling overlooked dismissed

    Made less than rejected made wrong

    Cut down

    I feel angry

    I love my anger

    Uhoh I don’t feel angry now I feel panicked

    I feel sad I don’t wana feel sad

    I feel panicked

    I feel sooo angry

    I’m feeling judgemental

    I’m feeling so sleepy now

    I’m feelin tight in my teeth

    I feel them relaxing

    I feel tight in my tummy and the base of my spine

    And a pinch in my heart

    And on my ear

    Breathing

    I feel smily



  167.  #167Daria on May 18, 2012 at 2:55 am

    Jenny – if he can’t come see you, any energy spent towards him is moving you away from the relationship you want

    I would practice dropping my patterns by dropping a man who is unavailable – this guy is making it easy for you to practice dropping him, by even being dramatic and blameful besides unavailable



  168.  #168Daria on May 18, 2012 at 3:00 am

    I feel pist he reserved the hotel but not paid for it yet, he was insisting before I stay w him at his house

    I don’t wana do that

    If we go on a trip the second half well

    It will have to be extra

    I want the hotel paid for the whole time

    That’s what I been said

    I feel annoyed its not paid for

    I feel tightened up like I’m controllinge the outcome

    I was gona ‘try to negotiate’ maybe it will be ok for just a week

    But no I’m a diva I want it the whole time

    I’m doing him a favor I don’t go visit guys I haven’t met

    I’m sure he’ll take care of it, and if not I’ll be traveling to Florida soon anyway I’m manifesting better n better

    I feel more relaxed

    NO investing, that’s my job, uptight Daria is a no no

    Gotta take care of me and I know what I need here

    Easy peezy!

    Yes



  169.  #169Jenny on May 18, 2012 at 3:07 am

    Thanks Daria – I never saw it in that way – just that I was starting to feel sick and borred by his drama toward me.

    He have responded very well to other Fm – but this about em having contact, blaming me for being not serous since I’m on the dating site (ok it is a adult dating site; but for me it aint no diffrent: i’m a member on an “normal” dating site; and tbh I get about the same kind of letter on both sites)

    I have my bounderise; no man can demand exklusivity from me, unless he gives me what I want and need…and I will in no hell – give exklusivity to a man I event havent meet yet, no matter how much I like him.

    I feel sick of keep telling the same thing over and over about this contact with other men.

    Well I guesss he makes a good practice in both patience and bounderies; Somthing keeps making him coming back…yeah I know, dont figure a man out.

    Maybe he is so used to get dramtic reaction from ladies – and when he dont get if from me, it makes him curious. Dont matter.

    Now I’m going to feel like Cinderella; Cleaing my home and make myself more beutiful – I got a date this evening with a very nice young man,



  170.  #170Daria on May 18, 2012 at 3:09 am

    Radlove – it Does feel frustrating!

    Sometimes I talk to 30 men a day and don’t meet any

    Hmm I do t intend that to feel discouraging

    I just tell a guy I’m not into talking on the phone I’m an in person kinda person after the first convo

    I don’t really want to talk on the phone so much, I feel better to meet someone in person what do you think

    Do you want me to call you / call me later? Mmm actually i dont feel good talking on the phine that much, id feel open to meet you in person, what do tou think?

    Or Mm well u dont like to talk on the phone that much, it would feel cool to hear from you when u wana make a plan to come see me sometime 🙂

    Not being aggressive or blaming in anyway yet very clear that i wont be having more really helps me get a lot of guys intersted



  171.  #171Daria on May 18, 2012 at 3:24 am

    Jenny – there is no healthy need to continue contact with this man. I would drop him completely

    He is coming back because that’s what men do

    Why am I engaging with this clearly emotionally unhealthy man! That’s what I would ask myself and where my healing is

    ***
    In my case, I talk to many pimps because it feels thrilling to connect and I feel good about myself that I know that ‘game’ and I feel thrilled feeling acknowledged for my game for my savvy ness

    Also cuz I kinda feel compelled to mommy them – feel compassion for

    And I want to be the one who inspires him to change that would feel like a huge self esteem boost than I’m desirable and powerful as a woman

    Hmm
    Wow

    So I feel insecure about my desirability and power

    And pimps are quintessential bad boys haha

    Yeah if I ‘got ‘ one I’d feel so like yeah what biatch

    So full of myself

    I’d really feel special

    Hmm

    I want to heal this

    I like men who bring me excitement and status

    I wonder if it’s to point to my own inner exciting mess I can bring to my life and also to my own inner Hugh statusness

    What kinda man would I want then?

    I’m so tightened up around status… I really don’t know!

    A supportive giving man! Wow!

    Lol

    It feels challenging to imagine me so high status that I feel satisfied and not Tryna get it thru someone else…

    Hmmm

    What if all men amd wonen recognized my high status that wd rock

    That’s what I want

    And it can come through me

    I’m allowing that now

    Then I wouldn’t



  172.  #172Daria on May 18, 2012 at 3:26 am

    Jenny – there is no healthy need to continue contact with this man. I would drop him completely

    He is coming back because that’s what men do

    Why am I engaging with this clearly emotionally unhealthy man! That’s what I would ask myself and where my healing is

    ***
    In my case, I talk to many pimps because it feels thrilling to connect and I feel good about myself that I know that ‘game’ and I feel thrilled feeling acknowledged for my game for my savvy ness

    Also cuz I kinda feel compelled to mommy them – feel compassion for

    And I want to be the one who inspires him to change that would feel like a huge self esteem boost than I’m desirable and powerful as a woman

    Hmm
    Wow

    So I feel insecure about my desirability and power

    And pimps are quintessential bad boys haha

    Yeah if I ‘got ‘ one I’d feel so like yeah what biatch

    So full of myself

    I’d really feel special

    Hmm

    I want to heal this

    I like men who bring me excitement and status

    I wonder if it’s to point to my own inner exciting mess I can bring to my life and also to my own inner Hugh statusness

    What kinda man would I want then?

    I’m so tightened up around status… I really don’t know!

    A supportive giving man! Wow!

    Lol

    It feels challenging to imagine me so high status that I feel satisfied and not Tryna get it thru someone else…

    Hmmm

    What if all men amd wonen recognized my high status that wd rock

    That’s what I want

    And it can come through me

    I’m allowing that now

    Then I would just pick the dude that adores me the most hmmm

    That feels scary!



  173.  #173Daria on May 18, 2012 at 3:29 am

    I’m feelin sleepy an also not kina wired up a touch hmm

    Ohhh it’s probably the pos electrons from the ipod



  174.  #174Daria on May 18, 2012 at 3:31 am

    Jessie – wow I feel moved and honored. thank you



  175.  #175Jenny on May 18, 2012 at 3:43 am

    Daria – you are right.
    I’m in contact with so many guys who dont blame me, men who dont even ask about my dating, men who aint dramtic, men who just love to talk with me. And I know I love the feeling of not being blamed. I love it when men know they cant ask about other men, that it aint their buisness. It feels calm and safe.

    I dont like drama, maybe thes man is a leasson in drama, why I dont like it, and how to handle it…maybe I have learned my leasson now when I feel borred and not so much triggered.

    Ohh and about the phone; I’m not neither a phone woman, I was when I was younger – I think I have been talking too much on the phone. I prefer text and meeting irl.



  176.  #176Aurora Girl on May 18, 2012 at 3:49 am

    Good morning Siren Chickies…..

    162 Lucy
    I’m with you Siren. I want to be with a man who wants me too. I agree with Emerson (152) as well…..that it’s scary to think that it can be work to be with a good man…..for me the work is in watching I don’t sabotage or project my past bad boys on to him

    Everyday with my Sweety I have to face those little old demons in me……..what the heck’s with that? lol and then sometimes just daily stuff can trigger what’s still lurking in the shadows that needs the light to heal…..it’s so funny to watch how I react sometimes……speaks volumes…

    This man is kind, generous, stepping up, loving, gentle……and yet I struggle to trust him at times……especially when we’re not together….I have no reason to doubt any of it…….but maybe old battle scars are still tender….

    ((((hugs))))) to us Sirens and our fears and growing pains…..

    And have a great long May24 Victoria Day holiday weekend to all our Canadian Sirens!
    xo
    Aurora



  177.  #177Daria on May 18, 2012 at 3:50 am

    Coco Kisses – if he is getting jealous that is good! It sounds like he is still /or getting interested…

    Maybe a chance to really be warm yet ‘the prize’ when he does it next



  178.  #178Radlove on May 18, 2012 at 4:08 am

    Starla,

    145 – Thank you, that is very helpful. I extracted this feeling message from what you said to me:

    “I don’t want to get too involved with anyone I haven’t met in person, and it would feel great to hear from you when you can make that possible.”

    If I have already sent Daria’s FM to him, should I just let it drop? I really like yours…would it be ok to send that one too?



  179.  #179Radlove on May 18, 2012 at 4:12 am

    Daria,

    168 – Thank you, a whole pile of good feeling messages for future use.

    I guess what I’m battling internally is I feel so lonely inside and weak. So the idea of 5 or 30 first dates, or not, feels daunting.



  180.  #180Radlove on May 18, 2012 at 4:33 am

    Daria and Starla (and anyone else who wants to comment),

    When you give feeling messages to men about not wanting to email or text, do they typically disappear?

    This man, CO, has disappeared all three or four times I have done it. He just doesn’t seem to get it. I wonder if he is excessively shy. He seems to want a relationship before we ever meet. Even tho I have said I don’t want a physical relationship without knowing someone first, he kept saying he wanted to give me a long, passionate kiss, wrap me in his arms and fall asleep, stuff like that.

    It just leaves me feeling uncomfortable. How can I respond yes I’d like to do those things when I’ve never even met him?

    It just feels like a frustrating circle. Trying to put him out of my mind.



  181.  #181Radlove on May 18, 2012 at 4:50 am

    My 178 – When I said 3-4 times I gave him FMs about no endless emails, I mean over a period of 5 or 6 months.



  182.  #182Jenny on May 18, 2012 at 4:58 am

    178 – well I think the more riight question is; “does some men disapperar when a woman says no?”

    And yes, some do

    I have also seen men just go away after 5-6 email, you know when you writting emails with fm and it does feels good and he seams so into what you are writting – and then Poof they stop writting back.

    I just let them go, are allways more men.

    When men say they want to kiss you; take it as something they say, as what they want in that moment. I know what you are talking about. For me it all depends on how my own feelings that day.

    *Bad days/bad feelings: “I’m sorry, I dont know how to respond. I feel uncomforting talking about kissing with someone I never have meet. What do you think?”

    *Good days/good feelings: “Awww how sweet, I feel smiling and a little giggle, I can only imagination how good it would feel to kiss”‘

    The truth is -go with your feeling, some men will give you feelings of “green light” no matter of what they say, even if they talk about holding you in your arms. And some men will give you “red light” feelings even if it is just talk about a book.

    Just go with your feelings, accept them and say them. Dating sites is a very good place to practice speaking with men and getting used to “raining men”



  183.  #183ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 5:00 am

    @154 Ella

    Yes, you are probably correct. He seems like a really nice guy, but just how he spoke, “my friend set this up for me after what happened back then. I thank God for my duaghters. They are all I have now.” I just felt he needed someone to tell him it’s ok if he needs time. I really don’t feel any draw to him, other than he’s a nice guy.

    Maybe I felt the need because people in my life like to push me to do things I don’t want to do.



  184.  #184ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 5:12 am

    @159 Tiffany

    Yes, I agree. Thank you for the strong comment that feels good to me.

    BoatGuy was a healthy eater and that made it much easier for me. He turned me on to a bunch of things I’d never tried before. I have a gf who is a vegetarian and another one just turned. Otherwise, family & friends look at me like I have 2 heads. Party food is hard because my friends are kind of picky. A bunch of the guys won’t eat “green” vegetables. My gf won’t eat sandwiches, bbq sauce, beans, IDK, she’s really picky. I’m thinking of chips & salsa, spinach dip w/bread, veggie tray, olives/pickles, bacon wrapped water chestnuts, sweet/sour meatballs, hummus, homemade oreo cookies and cupcakes. Not all too healthy though. I do have this onion dip recipe I made last time an substituted greek yogurt for the sour cream and I don’t think anyone noticed. I need something substantial for them because there is usually a high alcohol intake at these parties.

    If anyone has any healthy appetizer recipes, please share!! 🙂



  185.  #185ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 5:16 am

    @161 Tiffany

    Your post feels so nice. I love that new excited feeling where you are just glowing, happy smiles!

    BoatGuy used to always thank me when he left. At the beginning, I used to wonder what on earth he was thanking me for. It was nice though.



  186.  #186Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 5:23 am

    Dominique,

    Thank you so much for your response on the prior thread. It was very helpful and felt so supportive.

    Luckily, I did not have to initiate this time! At about 4pm he texted ‘Hi!!!’ I was busy studying and called him when I saw the text, like an hour later. Left a VM. Then later he texts again: ‘Hi’. I replied with ‘Hi, I miss you’. He texted like 1.5 hours later ‘I need you’. Well, I was out with my Mom and realized by then that he couldn’t need me all that much since he didn’t even call back, so did not reply. By 9pm he texts again: ‘Are you there?’ I replied warmly and asked if he wanted to talk. well, he called and we talked. He sounded more distant than even when I was abroad! He had problems with the ex this week. I did say that we prob weren’t in touch for 4 days because he was busy with his florist (i.e. arranging for flowers for me like he talked about but it hasn’t happened yet). He went to defensive immediately and said: you texted me your address when you were abroad and I came to visit instead! Isn’t better? I said ‘both is better’:) Anyway, he never said no to me before.. and this time he did. He said we are equally guilty for no contact since I didn’t call him either. Ohh I didn’t mean to make him guilty 🙁

    He was inviting me to come over to his place at 9:30 pm! Not very aggressively since he realized my Mom is visiting, but still! With no prior plans??! I said thank you, I am free on Sat. He asked Sat morning, afternoon or night and I said Sat night, but he did not confirm, so I don’t really know if I have a date or not.

    This is all kind of different from our usual so romantic and tender interaction and it doesn’t feel that good. Is he losing interest since it’s been almost 4 months??



  187.  #187Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 5:24 am

    ReceivingGirl,

    In Europe guys thank a girl for going out with them and for a wonderful night. it’s normal;)



  188.  #188LoveAlways on May 18, 2012 at 5:26 am

    Rori’s response to Tony was interesting . . . not what I was expecting as I started reading his letter!



  189.  #189LoveAlways on May 18, 2012 at 5:27 am

    Hi Sirens:

    I haven’t been on the blog lately because I’m triggered by any little thing lately – could be venus retrograde and Gemini energy . . . I dunno, but better to play it safe 🙂

    Hope you are all doing well.

    LoveAlways



  190.  #190Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 5:29 am

    Thank you LoveAlways, have a nice weekend and we don’t hear from you!



  191.  #191ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 5:30 am

    @184 Memulo

    I feel curious, what did you say to get the defensive response from him?



  192.  #192ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 5:32 am

    @185 Memulo

    He’s the first guy to ever thank me consistently for months. Usually, the guys will say they had a nice time or something. However, I don’t ever recall being thanked.



  193.  #193Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 5:32 am

    ReceivingGirl,

    I said you were probably busy with your florist, that’s why we weren’t in touch for 4 days.



  194.  #194ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 5:33 am

    Hi Love Always!



  195.  #195Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 5:33 am

    #188: ‘IF we don’t hear from you’ LOL



  196.  #196ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 5:37 am

    Memulo,

    I’m curious did you say that because you were upset about not hearing from him? It feels attacking towards him (like a jab) and that’s probably why he got defensive. Is there something to that?



  197.  #197ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 5:43 am

    I was thinking about what the meaning of Mr. Observant’s screen name is on POF since I saw him on there. I decided I wanted to ask, but not at the party because I don’t feel dating sites would be appropriate party talk, so I decided to ask.

    I sent him a message saying, “I feel curious about the meaning of your screen name.”

    I was wondering, s this the feminine way of asking a question without really asking a question? Am I finally starting to understand all of this masculine/feminine stuff?

    Anyways, he responded and told me what it meant. It was clever and he added “us” to the end of his screen name because, “it felt right.” When he said that it felt really nice to me. I feel he is a “still waters run deep” kind of guy.

    He asked me what mine meant and I answered. He also said he was looking forward to tomorrow and told me to enjoy my day.

    Every interaction I have with him feels good, all warm & fuzzy.



  198.  #198Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 5:52 am

    ReceivingGirl,

    Yes, I was unhappy about no contact and wanted to softly let him know that. I still feel this way;) And his perception of not calling for 4 days and then texting at 7pm that ‘he needs me’ expecting me to go to his place feels a bit scary to be honest!



  199.  #199lessonsbeinglearned on May 18, 2012 at 5:53 am

    #56

    Until such time if a woman does not become exclusive with him until he puts substantive action behind his words then we minimize our risks.

    Yes. I agree. And thank you for your input. I had planned to cd when I started dating him. He was relentless in calling and talking and getting together, which I was very willing to do because everything we were talking about and experiencing together was wonderful and EXACTLY what i was looking for and EXACTLY what he said he was looking for. He put action behind his words. I feel like we did everything right. He is under a lot of pressure from a lot of directions, except me. I never pressured pushed nagged, ever. Yet I am the thing he feels he can let go. That hurts me so much I can’t even describe the pain. I am so sad for him. I do not know what to do or how to proceed.



  200.  #200ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 5:55 am

    @196 Memulo

    Yes. I wouldn’t feel good about that either. Is it always on his terms when you see each other?



  201.  #201ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 6:01 am

    @197 lessonsbeinglearned

    I had an experience with MilitaryGuy where he had so many pressures and I was trying really hard not to pressure him. It’s not that comparable to your situation because we had just started dating. However, he pursued me, then canceled our first date 4 times. After our first date, I got upset because he halfway scheduled getting together and said he would contact me later and never did. I was feeling frustrated with all the cancellations and stuff, so I told him a little common courtesy would be nice if he couldn’t get together.

    He ended up ending things saying he had too much going on and we could try again when things get better. At the time, I felt I was the least pressuring thing in his life, I added pressure with that statement and he let me go because it was the only pressure he had control over. I think he felt like he had no control and maybe taking that little bit of control made him feel better?



  202.  #202Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 6:03 am

    #198 RG,

    Hmm we meet when he asks me out, yes, normally in advance and either at my place (when I don’t have family visiting) or his. Is that what you mean by ‘his terms’?



  203.  #203ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 6:18 am

    @200 Memulo

    So, it’s usually in advance? I feel curious if you wanted to doing something specific if he would agree and even if it was something that wasn’t his cup of tea. That’s what I mean by his terms. This is where the whole feminine/masculine gets tricky in my head. I suppose it wouldn’t be feminine to ask him on a date for a specific event?



  204.  #204Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 6:29 am

    Oh I see RG. I asked him on a date once -though he asked me earlier for the following day and I happened to have show tickets, so offered to see each other a day earlier. That was our 3rd date I think, a while ago;) Otherwise he always asks what I want to do – dinner, park, show and I may pick a show and tell him which one I want to see. Once I got mad at him for another no contact situation and when he said that the show I wanted was sold out for a year I asked so what? He said maybe I can get it from the brokers, but it will be expensive. I said oh do I need to know that? Guess what, he managed to get the tickets anyway;) Don’t think I ever behaved this way with a guy before!

    Yesterday after we talked about Sat night I asked if he wanted to see a new exhibit at the museum that day. He didn’t reply, though knowing him it can mean anything.



  205.  #205Tam on May 18, 2012 at 6:39 am

    So…if it is true that we don’t want what we can easily have, and chase after what is unavailable, and the men we meet are often the same….then that means a constant ‘game’ of withdrawal, coming forward, withdrawing again – from both…and a mess.

    That is what I had happen also, but then the ‘leaning back’ necessarily gets the guy interested again because we also signal that we are not running after him…and then it gets confusing because he will step up significantly (but for a limited time only). And I fall for it every single time and think ‘oh, he has changed’ – but it’s just a bit of a song and dance and opening up a little more than before and then: ‘poof’…and I think: ‘phew, good riddance, maybe he will stay out of my life once and for all’. BUT NO. He always comes back, but never fully there. It’s wearing me out!!!! I want closure and then I don’t.
    It should be easy to work out and frighten off an unavailable man, right? He bolts when things get more intense or move towards a relationship or something more serious.
    But he they have a habit of coming back because they like the comfort from someone who is available, but they find it scary also….the only way to make them run permanently is…telling them I want a relationship or ‘get out of my life please’? As staying friends never works either.
    Seems a bit harsh, but quite a dilemma.
    And what if he is fully aware that he is difficult, might not be able to have a relationship and is unavailable – he knows and he tries to push himself to change and takes himself to his own limits, every time a little further.
    It seems cruel to deny someone a friendship, especially if they are super company and completely on a wavelength – but guess it is the only way to protect our hearts?!
    Hrmph!!!



  206.  #206ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 6:50 am

    @202 Memulo

    Ok, so it sounds like it’s not always on his terms. That is good. This is a problem I always seem to run into with men.



  207.  #207ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 6:53 am

    @203 Tam

    It can be frustrating, can’t it? lol



  208.  #208Rose on May 18, 2012 at 6:58 am

    I love Scott Noelle…I got this Daily Groove in my inbox today and was thinking of Jessie1000 and her son..

    Rich With Desire
    by Scott Noelle, posted on 2006-08-27

    It feels good to be a “yes-oriented” parent, but how do you respond to your children when they ask for more than you can give?

    The real problem is that we’ve come to believe (and society reinforces the belief) that we are the only avenue through which our kids can fulfill their desires.

    To find relief from that false burden, you need to start looking for evidence that we live in an abundant Universe which can provide for the fulfillment of all your desires — and your child’s.

    Then you can celebrate your child’s desires without feeling obliged to be the channel through which all of them are realized.
    Scenario 1: Feels Bad

    CHILD: I want that bicycle.

    MOTHER: (Frowning) I’m sorry, but we can’t afford that… Besides, I don’t think you’re ready… (blah, blah, blah).

    CHILD: Waaaahhhhh!

    Scenario 2: Feels Better

    CHILD: I want that bicycle.

    MOTHER: (Smiling) Oooh! That’s a great bike!

    CHILD: Can I have it?

    MOTHER: Yes, of course… You can have everything your heart desires… when the time is right.

    CHILD: But I want it NOW!

    MOTHER: (Unfazed… smile widens) Indeed, you do!

    CHILD: (Hopeful) Will you buy it for me?

    MOTHER: (Checking in with herself… open to the idea… hmm, it doesn’t feel right… pleased with her clarity… still smiling) No.

    CHILD: But I REALLY want it!! 🙁

    MOTHER: (Long pause… gets really centered… waits until heart feels wide open…) Sweetheart, I know absolutely that you can have this bike or something even better. I also know that you won’t be getting it through me, at least not today. But I’m willing to hold this dream with you… I know that if we are clear in our desire and think often about how good it will feel when this dream comes true, it will come true. There are many, many ways to receive a bicycle, and Mommy is only one of them. Now, let’s take a picture of you sitting on this bike with a big smile, and I’ll put the picture on my screensaver so we can rekindle the dream every day when we see it! (Etc…)

    Of course, this is not a prescription of what to say. It only demonstrates one of many ways a “no” can have a “yes vibe.”

    The only reason a child (or anyone) wants something is because s/he believes s/he’ll feel good having it. When you say “no” with a “yes vibe,” you teach your child that s/he can feel good NOW by enjoying the desire as much as its fulfillment, and you demonstrate that one’s power lies in oneself, not in the objects of desire.

    Just say yes to your child’s authentic desires and yes to your own Inner Guidance and yes to everyday miracles.

    Comments:

    To us, the word “yes” means “yes.”
    Posted by Julinda on 2007-07-17 7:24am

    I like the concept and I am starting to apply this but actually verbalizing a “yes” to my son’s request (when I am not intending to immediately fulfill it) seems cruel.

    If my son asked for something and I replied “Yes, of course… You can have everything your heart desires… when the time is right,” I think he would be very upset! Starting with “yes” would lead him to think (based on past experience) that I was going to get it for him, and he would get excited – the rest is grown-up talk that would pretty much breeze over his head! And when he realized I wasn’t going to purchase the item, I am 100% certain he would think I was being cruel and dishonest, by saying “yes” and then not following through. I really think if I (the current adult me) was on the receiving end of that “yes,” I too would be quite upset!

    I’m trying to radiate “yesness” without actually saying “yes.” 🙂
    Re: To us, the word “yes” means “yes.”
    Posted by Scott Noelle on 2007-07-18 4:25am

    I agree that actually saying “yes” is unimportant, and as I wrote above, the hypothetical dialog is not a prescription of what you “should” say.

    My intention was to convey the “vibe” through words, but the words do not necessarily dictate the vibe. That’s why I disagree that “yes means yes,” because if it doesn’t have that yes-vibe, your child will receive a mixed message that is partially “no”. And similarly, when you say “no” and are in complete alignment, it can have a yes-vibe, too.

    You might want to ask yourself if you’re limiting yourself to a legalistic interpretation of the word “yes” — like saying yes is a contract. The hypothetical mother in the dialog was using it as an affirmation of possibility and creativity, not as an act of submission or obligation, and certainly not as cruel trickery.

    Funny how a little word can mean so many different things. 🙂

    I would encourage you to re-read the dialog, but this time imagine that the mother is someone who has a long history of feeling abundant and knowing that when Life gives you a desire it also provides many avenues for the desire’s fulfillment, and she is joyfully sharing that good-feeling perspective with her child, who is used to her unconventional attitude and doesn’t assume her “yes” is a promise to buy the bike immediately.
    Re: Rich With Desire
    Posted by happymama on 2009-06-06 10:21am

    My kids have really been wanting a BMX bike, but both already have bikes they like and we parents have been very open to them having a BMX bike but haven’t wanted to buy one. Last week on our way home we found a BMX bike on the sidewalk with a “Free” sign on it. It had a flat tire, but otherwise was in great condition. How funny that your example was a bike when that’s the thing my kids just received from the universe!



  209.  #209Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 7:02 am

    RG,

    yes, that is why I felt uneasy, he seemed distant right when I was starting to feel more comfortable. He was also talking about going on vacation soon without including me in his plans. I just listened, didn’t say anything. The truth is that i can’t take vacation now that i am starting a new job, but I’d like to go away for a weekend, though I didn’t say it yet. Should I even say it i wonder??



  210.  #210T-Girl on May 18, 2012 at 7:05 am

    162 Lucy, I agree with you. I am so happy to have found a man who “wants me” though I have been in the boat of pining for men who didn’t. By far the feeling of knowing I’m wanted, being told I am beautiful and amazing far outweighs the alternative.

    I guess it did take a little work to be able to open up and receive and be in that love. But now the feeling is so undescribable. It makes me melt.



  211.  #211light heart on May 18, 2012 at 7:16 am

    203: Tam says:

    “So…if it is true that we don’t want what we can easily have, and chase after what is unavailable, and the men we meet are often the same….then that means a constant ‘game’ of withdrawal, coming forward, withdrawing again – from both…and a mess.”

    yeah, unavailability seems to be attractive when I don’t value myself properly. It’s like this “i wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member” mentality.

    I mean I love to play, and I like games, especially the game of love, but I think I’ve had it with hide and seek, come here go away and come out, come out wherever you are….. I now want to play backgammon and chess and scrabble.

    I’d like to convert the more unsatisfying game to the game of creating ways of keeping the attraction going and amped up, where we continue to feel excited and stimulated and inspired by each other.
    We’re not competing for each other’s love, but rather, challenging each other to keep valuing ourselves well, and that ups the attraction, which is the glue.

    LH



  212.  #212Mel on May 18, 2012 at 7:21 am

    Receiving Girl,

    Healthy Appetizers

    -stuffed mushroom caps (stuff with low fat cream cheese/feta cheese mixed with lean ground sausage or chorizo)

    -hummous and garlic dips with pita chips (Cut whole wheat pita breads into triangles and bake until crispy. For garlic dip, blend low fat feta, low fat greek yogurt, and 2 cloves of garlic in blender until smooth) serve with fresh cut veggies and pita chips on side.

    -Turkey burger “slammers” (You can get tiny little hamburger buns now… make up some tiny little burger patties with lean ground turkey to make cute appetizers.)

    -Fresh spring rolls (You can get these little rice paper circles that you rehydrate to make the roll-ups. Stuff with shrimp or crab or tofu, julienne carrots, cilantro, lettuce… and serve with a spicy peanut dipping sauce)

    Have fun!



  213.  #213Tam on May 18, 2012 at 7:35 am

    LH – yeah, precisely, the ‘hide and seek’…it is pretty childish also, and for some reason I get drawn into it, although in actual fact I always think: aaawww nooooo, not again. and then it just happens. Short of me throwing my phone away, changing my email address and living in a cave, how am I going to stop getting sucked into it? Urgh.
    I know how good it feels to have a mature man who cares and there are no games, so it’s even worse to get sucked into the hide and seek….
    And I ‘think’ I don’t find unavailable attractive..so why do I fall for it? Why, why, why???? Because it FEELS wrong.
    I do love your last sentence:
    ‘We’re not competing for each other’s love, but rather, challenging each other to keep valuing ourselves well, and that ups the attraction, which is the glue’
    🙂



  214.  #214Mel on May 18, 2012 at 7:51 am

    I’m noticing a new pattern and I like it! Mr A has been a little disinterested / man-cave-y lately. And I’m finding myself naturally WANTING to move away from him. Without even consciously thinking about it, this morning I started to look for a summer sports team to join and another dance class to take, and made coffee dates with some friends. I like that my first response was feeling bored (not angry or blamey) and that my solution was to take care of ME! 🙂



  215.  #215Tiffany on May 18, 2012 at 7:52 am

    I think I finally figured out what is “off” – or can be a little bit off about how I ask for help.

    I might have a need, which is fine.

    But by the time I go to ask for someone to help me, I’ve already decided that they should do whatever it is that I am asking of them. I am not offering them a choice. I am assuming that, because I have a need to be filled that they will make themselves available to fill it. That they will at least try. And if they don’t, then I feel offended. I feel ego-wounded. I feel “hurt” even though they did absolutely nothing to hurt me, and probably they care about me just fine, I am just being insecure.

    Because it seems to me they are rejecting me. When, in fact…well, what in fact? What are they doing if not rejecting me? Hm…let’s see, because it turns out I’m really not sure. It must be something else. But I’m going to have to give it some thought to see what it is…and if anyone else has ideas on that, let me know!

    I feel baffled and small sometimes around this issue. I feel like “a baby” when I am helpless and needy. It feels like I can’t get my needs met, and like I “need” someone else to do it. I get worried.

    I would love to work through and get rid of this feeling so that it doesn’t poison any more relationships or interactions…if I could only focus on what the Truth is…That I am POWERFUL, that I have SELF AUTHORITY, that I have CHOICES, and I don’t need any ONE person to fulfill my needs and desires.

    How does that sound to you, ladies? Feels pretty good to me…



  216.  #216light heart on May 18, 2012 at 7:54 am

    That’s what it looks like to live, breathe and eat Siren….You’re such a good example, Mel !

    LH



  217.  #217Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 7:55 am

    Mel,

    That is interesting. Me too, I was thinking about taking dance lessons once my studying is over. But the thing is that I am actually guilty in this more distance situation as well. I feel that I leaned back too much just recently. We came really close but I was still waiting for him to contact, not involving him in my everyday life, etc. and it backfired at me. That’s how I feel.



  218.  #218Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 7:57 am

    Yay Tiffany!



  219.  #219light heart on May 18, 2012 at 8:06 am

    Hi Tam,
    Maybe you continue to fall for it because there is something else you might need to experience, learn, discover, so don’t beat yourself up ! 🙂

    I mean, I know we have the choice to not keep doing the same things over and over and expecting different results, but sometimes we just do.

    Now, when you say: ” And I ‘think’ I don’t find unavailable attractive..so why do I fall for it? Why, why, why???? Because it FEELS wrong.”

    This is telling. Because very often, even if it feels wrong, and we know it is ultimately not what is going to be the best for us, it is what we know, it’s what feels comfortable, and what we know feels less scary.

    Often, what is good for us feels bad, what is bad for us feels good. Until our brain gets re-wired, by repeating tools and new habits over and over and over.

    LH



  220.  #220ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 8:10 am

    Thanks, Mel!



  221.  #221lessonsbeinglearned on May 18, 2012 at 8:11 am

    #199
    I felt I was the least pressuring thing in his life, I added pressure with that statement and he let me go because it was the only pressure he had control over. I think he felt like he had no control and maybe taking that little bit of control made him feel better?

    I feel this very same thing. Letting loose of me is the only thing he has any control over. This year has been very hard on him. Divorce becoming final, son going to college, mother dying, new neice in the family….we started dating right when all this was happening. I was a source of strength and encouragement and relief to him. I don’t understand why he doesn’t view me as that now. It hurts so bad. I know it’s his stuff and has nothing to do with me. I know it’s not about me. But my feelings matter too. And I am really really hurt.



  222.  #222Francesca on May 18, 2012 at 8:15 am

    Mel, your post @210 is making me hungry! The garlic dip sounds yummy! Will try it!

    Thanks! 🙂



  223.  #223Mel on May 18, 2012 at 8:18 am

    @ Francesca

    It’s even better if you add a bit of extra virgin olive oil, but it does add more calories. Healthy fat though! 😉



  224.  #224Francesca on May 18, 2012 at 8:18 am

    ReceivingGirl

    Some yummy looking appetizers here! Tomato-basil skewers look interesting as a vegetarian entrée.

    http://www.eatingwell.com/recipes_menus/collections/quick_healthy_appetizer_recipes



  225.  #225light heart on May 18, 2012 at 8:19 am

    oh yes, those healthy appetizers sound positively scrumptious, and makes me want to throw a little party! But I am tired of preparing parties by myself, so I don’t do it much anymore. And I love myself anyway!



  226.  #226Francesca on May 18, 2012 at 8:19 am

    Mel, love healthy fat! 😉



  227.  #227light heart on May 18, 2012 at 8:23 am

    An artist whose work I admire has inspired me in starting to feel motivated to get more done in a day.

    So I want to clean up my house more, unload a bunch of stuff, kind of like making room for my man, or preparing to sell it, whatever,

    just feel like getting the energy in here moving around more, to go with how I’m feeling inside lately!

    OK, that means I have to leave my friends here for now and get off-line.

    love you!



  228.  #228Jessie1000 on May 18, 2012 at 8:29 am

    Rose–thats wonderful. I do get sad sometimes when I really cant give the kids everything they want (except for food…its always yes to all the food they like when we are at the groc. store).

    I am one person but I had 2 parents and we never got nor even wanted the things that kids these days want!

    I wanted jogging pants, my son wants an apple computer.

    I wanted hooks for my fishing rod. My son wants me to give him my car when he turns 16.

    I wanted nice smelling conditioner and my son wants a 45 inch tv for his bedroom.

    Whats up with consumerism?
    I like playing music really loud for the boys and doing housework and we did that yesterday and the little one danced and my big one played me his new favourite songs (rihanna and dear god terrible ones full of sexuality).

    When we were young, people came to our house and played guitar and moms piano and always my bro. fiddled cause he is a great fiddle player, cape breton style. And we all sang and it didnt matter if you had a bad voice cause we all drowned each other out.

    I mourn for my old ways cause they are being lost in city life.

    I mourn for old people who pass away alone with their children lost to the richness of the big cities.

    I miss the sound of the creek by my house and the purity of the cold water when i took a drink.

    Kisses Rose, it takes a village to raise a child and thank you for caring about my little family!



  229.  #229Coco Kisses on May 18, 2012 at 8:34 am

    @ Daria…I do think that my husband may have some attraction to me, however I don’t think it is a healthy one. Also he has not stepped up once to say he doesn’t want the divorce. In fact the reason for his call was o let me know that he is planning on bringing his half of the money for the divorce. In the book Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl, the author explains this type of behavior as a control mechanism that Emotionally Unavailable people will sometimes use to keep you hanging on emotionally, even when they have no intentions of being with you romantically. THese people, have narccistic tendencies, and want things to end on their terms.

    My husband said point blank, I don’t want to work on the marriage, I’m not going to be in a marriage and go 5 months w/o f*king. He said this to my face, could he possibly change, I believe so, but I am so focuse on my healing that I really dont care anymore.



  230.  #230Jessie1000 on May 18, 2012 at 8:38 am

    Sirens
    My beau asked me out on a date to a movie tonight but I want to go have a girls night tonight with my new buddy from school. Shes my age and will likely be a great friend….

    omg i suffered because me and my Beau are kind of stopped right now and I really turned it off on him.

    I feel like being with L. is more healing to my heart right now cause women are so much more nurturing and I can relax and say anything I like.

    I am afraid if I say no to the Beau that he wont ask me again.

    Im not used to serious lean backs like this.

    I feel like ive already broken so many of my rules (perhaps sick patterns) in one week….I joined kickboxing. I went to kickboxing. I have put up a no sexual contact/hugging/kissing with the beau. I barely text him back (and for some unknown creepy reason, he is leaning forward so hard now that Im slowing down???)

    Last night I went to the gym with him and he kept looking insecure and asking me how he looked and trying to hold my hand and talking about me moving to his end of town–with my kids and getting a pizza place together lol….

    So, if I actually told him that I want a girls night tonight–how do I say it without explaining?
    With a loving way rather than my kind of blurt out my feelings and sometimes be harsh????

    Hows this?
    I hate men today and just want to be away from all men and men children and even male dogs…(not very good eh?) and please ask me out tomorrow cause i like a date night on saturdays so i dont feel like a loser (omg Im a bad person)



  231.  #231ulii on May 18, 2012 at 8:45 am

    Quick help please, Sirens!

    I feel I have just messed up. 🙁
    If I have just been cold & feeling off in a online conversation with NZcd.

    Really I miss him greatly & I was so glad to see his name popping up and he starting to talk to me in skype. But I guess I just expressed the opposite.

    I was just telling him about how great I’m doing running every day & how i have had a new job offer (which is actually true). All about my life & not responding him saying he wish i’d been there travelling with him. And I was not using feeling messages, or really few ones…. And he became quite dry & not so interested (my reception?) and wished me good luck with my job & running. So I just started to feel more & more off & also imagining him there travelling with his ex does not help me to feel better. At the end I told, I have to leave now, and he said have fun & logged off the same second.

    So I feel this conversation sent us far appart. Now I’m feeling bad & miserable. 🙁

    Is it ok to send a little “repairing” e-mail or sms in a few time saying some feeling messages. How I do miss him, but feel confused about him travelling there with the ex. How I was really glad to talk to him. Or it would be too much & definitely overfunctioning?

    Your comments are really welcome!



  232.  #232Ella on May 18, 2012 at 8:51 am

    HI Emerson

    🙂



  233.  #233Silver Moonbeam on May 18, 2012 at 8:56 am


  234.  #234confessions on May 18, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Why is my message not being published?? 🙁



  235.  #235Jessie1000 on May 18, 2012 at 9:04 am

    silver moonbeam….great link!
    I think I did that with my Beau!
    Im not doing that anymore!
    NO roadmaps to my heart!
    Im leaving it up to him and see what he will offer!
    I dont want to lean forward in any way now and experience the thrill of adventure of not knowing how things will go!
    Omg such power!
    Ur wonderful!



  236.  #236confessions on May 18, 2012 at 9:06 am

    I cannot comment. why why. My messages are not being published



  237.  #237Jessie1000 on May 18, 2012 at 9:08 am

    Starla!
    I think u did fine!
    No one can make anyone lean forward unless he wants to.
    You can change your interest though in someone who didnt make you feel good by not taking you out!
    If he didnt call to ask you to wine and dine you….scratch him off as boring.
    Shorten the conversations maybe when they call?
    Pretend your busy!
    Pretend your just going out the door and tell him oh I am just going to run a bath and make him feel unimportant and hes going to rush to get your time!
    Your a star! Make HIM beg for attention!
    Say no to all dates like your booked for weeks!
    GUys love it!
    I dont know why…but they do!
    Kisses
    Hope you are having a good day!



  238.  #238confessions on May 18, 2012 at 9:11 am

    its workineg 🙂 haha. Hi girls. I am engaged and in love with another man. I feel like sh@t, I feel like a bad person, I feel like a horrible woman. I tried ignoring my feelings and just wait it out (it will go away right) well it didn’t, never even faded in years. Now I want to make plans to see him, I’m just so tired of missing him. Ive learned that you cannot control you’re heart with you’re head and it is frustrating, I don’t want to feel like this any more. I want to fall back in love with my man of 8 years



  239.  #239Jessie1000 on May 18, 2012 at 9:15 am

    Starla –Maybe NZcd is a distancer?
    U know the ones that feel attracted so run far away?
    Maybe he likes women who are depressed?
    Maybe the phone was ringing or the mailman came to the door?
    Maybe he forgot he had to make a meeting?
    Why do you think its your fault?
    (once my beau hung right up on me in my face when he was at work….i thought for sure, no doubt that he hated me) turned out he called back and someone had walked in and stuck food down their pants as they were pretending to buy monster…lol
    He got stressed and didnt handle it well but it had nothing to do with me!

    Maybe he was hoping you would text the sh** out of him or lean forward and try to sex him or beg him to come back and hes a wierdo and likes that kind of crazy behaviour!
    Maybe he is insecure and doesnt like to make the first move and he was hoping you were a crazy aggressive chaser woman who is not a siren!

    I liked rori’s siren thing once about
    if you are a siren
    and a boat comes by
    and a hot sailor sees you and wants you
    but doesnt get off his boat and swim to you and make love to you for the rest of his life
    you dont jump in the water and swim after the boat!
    you forget him and think about how sexy you are and wait for the man whos ready for the leap!
    (roris version is less xrated and more politically correct)
    but call me jessy spice today!
    lol
    you are a star and theres nothing wrong with you!



  240.  #240Jessie1000 on May 18, 2012 at 9:20 am

    what do i know anyway?
    lol



  241.  #241Radlove on May 18, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Jenny,

    182 – Thank you, that was really good! I felt heard, and I feel more clear on how to respond to men.

    I’m trying to work on my attitude toward dating. I know it is supposed to feel fun. Aaargh!



  242.  #242Radlove on May 18, 2012 at 9:38 am

    Ulii,

    231 – I know that feeling! What a horrible feeling! I don’t feel qualified to answer you but I think Rori would say lean back. It’s tuff, I know.



  243.  #243Starla on May 18, 2012 at 9:42 am

    Jessie, my love… what are you talking about dear? I don’t have an NZcd. I’m so confused, but I sm0ke a lot of pot so maybe I’m missing something:P



  244.  #244Radlove on May 18, 2012 at 9:47 am

    I guess when a man doesn’t contact me back, I think I’ve done something wrong. And maybe that is not the case at all.

    Well, I decided to send CO a second feeling message, the one from Starla:

    “I don’t want to get too involved with anyone I haven’t met in person, and it would feel great to hear from you when you can make that possible.”

    I haven’t contacted Yorkie again, and I won’t. But that feels yucky, too. There is no apparent reason he doesn’t want to see me again, after we met last June. And I don’t need to be in his head. I need to not think about why. But it bugs me.

    I know, I’m supposed to be busy CDing. I guess I don’t feel ready, and I am going to get busy getting my life in order instead.



  245.  #245Francesca on May 18, 2012 at 9:53 am

    I think Jessie meant ulii, not Starla.



  246.  #246Jessie1000 on May 18, 2012 at 9:54 am

    sorry starla it was for ulii
    lol



  247.  #247Starla on May 18, 2012 at 9:58 am

    RadLove, right on. now just lean back. either focus on you or on other men who are totally available to date, but not him. Guard your energy:)



  248.  #248Tam on May 18, 2012 at 10:03 am

    Confessions…can you elaborate? I was in maybe a similar situation and made a bad mistake..I ran away from the nice, available ‘let’s get married’ guy for the one I thought I was in love with for years, the unavailable guy who started stepping up just at the right (or wrong) moment. I now regret very much going with my feelings and not my head, as I loved the other guy too and should have just stuck with him…but we had issues also, and I bolted. Needless to say it was a big mistake, so before you make any decisions try to step back from the situation maybe, somehow and try to see clearly….I don’t know.

    My good guy never came back, I did give him the opportunity but he moved on quickly (so perhaps it was also not meant to be).

    The problem/difficulty is going against your feelings and heart when the feelings seem so strong. I should hope that I would decide with my head next time but honestly don’t know….just don’t make any rash decisions, like I did. 🙁



  249.  #249Starla on May 18, 2012 at 10:08 am

    i think cf is, by nature, an unavailable guy, but he really gave it a shot for me. I think when he WAS in available mode, I pushed him away. Now he is 100% unavailable and I want him more than ever.
    Cute.



  250.  #250Tam on May 18, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Starla, I think so too from what you said, have been following your posts. I had made a very similar experience and it is kind of nice and this is what confuses us, when they try hard because they really like us – but in the end they can’t change enough maybe to make it work.
    I don’t think it means they are bad people or have no feelings, they are just different and have other priorities. In the end I am pretty convinced that an unavailable guy is unavailable, also for/with other women – and I have seen this. So it might have nothing to do with us and maybe we did nothing wrong (although not perfect), but they just can’t go the full distance.
    It is sad but better to know this then to hope, right? And it is nice to think of the good memories and be at peace, I think..eventually. Onwards and upwards!! 🙂



  251.  #251T-Girl on May 18, 2012 at 10:17 am

    Last weekend, I got really emotional about something that is scaring me about my move with J and I cried and told him in feeling messages what I was afraid of. At the time he seemed to be annoyed with me that I was crying and such and I could feel a bit of a shut down from him.

    The funny thing is, this past week he has been the most loving to me ever. So it is true, I don’t have to be afraid to feel and tell my feelings. It won’t scare him away. Amazing.



  252.  #252Ruth-Aurora on May 18, 2012 at 10:29 am

    great link, Silver Moonbeam –

    this is something i haven’t thought of –

    i always tell men what i like, thinking they will understand the subtext of “don’t like”

    this gave me something to chew on …



  253.  #253Radlove on May 18, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Thank God, I still have the job! The employment agency worked it through with all their professional savvy to convince the company where I’ll be working to take me anyway, even tho I’m technically 12 credit hours away from a BA.

    The recruiter was very kind, and he said both he and the interviewer liked working with me thus far very much! I totally felt God’s favor! I was on pins and needles, and I feel vast relief!

    Thanks Starla, conservation of energy it is! And energy cannot be created or destroyed; only changed from one form to another!



  254.  #254confessions on May 18, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Hi Tam. It is really frustrating. I know I should not leave my “ready to marry guy” he is my life, my rock, the ground underneath my feet, we have been together for 8 years. Like you say, it is extremely difficult to go against you feelings, it hurts to have somebody in you’re heart when you cannot have them in you’re arms, it hurts like hell and it breaks my heart. I almost left my man about 5 years ago for him, But I am afraid that if I take the leap it will all crash and burn (like what happened with you), so I am to scared to leave my “safe place” the love I have for him burns like hell in my heart. Now I have started to think about “cheating”, just seeing him withou anybody knowing, just once, I want to feel his arms around me again, even if it is just once more. I have not done it yet but I have strong urges to meet up with him…. feel like giving up fighting against what I feel



  255.  #255Starla on May 18, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Tam, I wonder, though, if they will EVER be available in this lifetime? Or are they just broken?

    I can’t bring myself to believe that such a wonderful man is broken and he has no hope. He deserves true love.



  256.  #256sophie on May 18, 2012 at 10:35 am

    (((((Starla)))) the same for me – mine was an unavailable man who tried really hard to be available but just literally couldn’t do it – such a heartbreak to be so good in some ways but just so unworkable – I am utterly shocked at how our break up has affected me I’ve not been able to eat and have had to take medication to sleep – like the Paul Simon song I have a window in my heart and everyone can see me blown apart. It is really hard to take that he is sleeping with other women. I am trying to keep the focus on me very difficult when i’m a ball of anxiety! I have been chatting with men on line which has been great as a distraction but not yet something sireny – the nice men are just too nice – i’ve been flirting with the bed boys 🙁 Still it has felt nice to get some attention and there’s safety in just chatting – I made a couple of dates and then freaked out and cancelled! I think if I have a decent nights sleep and a meal I will feel like a new woman and I cannot wait for the day when I wake up in the morning and he’s not the first thing on my mind!!!!! grrrrrrrrr – shifting into an angry vibration – angry vibration feels like improvement 🙂



  257.  #257sophie on May 18, 2012 at 10:36 am

    I just realised I typed bed boys and not bad boys!!!!!! What a freudian slip!!!! Blushing siren!!!!!!



  258.  #258confessions on May 18, 2012 at 10:59 am

    the reason why I was afraid to take the leap was because he was leaning backwards right at the moment when I was ready to leave my man for him, when I saw that I retreated, and did not leave my man. he asked me afterwards what happened and I could hear he was hurt (or bruised ego perhaps) and I told him he was distant, he told me that he did not want to influence my descision? and did not want to push me into anything that i did not want to do. It had to be my descision, and he did not want it to be because of him. When I was actually kind of hoping he would offer me a lifelong commitment, like the one I have now, kind of hoping he would offer me a “rock” but I realise that is just unfair to ask that of a “new” relationship. Its gotta start from the beginning right?? Gotta go through all the motions to find out if you actually suit together? Well I am nnot willing to go through all that again, that uncertaincy. I am kind of (unrealisticly) hoping that it would be a kind of “move in and marry me” kind of proposal, before i would of “considered” making a move. But that was then I will not consider it again. I am not much of a “high risk” taker 🙂



  259.  #259Starla on May 18, 2012 at 11:09 am

    ((((((((sophie))))))))))) how long has it been since you guys broke it off?



  260.  #260Ruth-Aurora on May 18, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Radlove, congratulations on the job 🙂

    that sounds great!

    today i created a new e-mail adress, for future potential CDs …



  261.  #261sophie on May 18, 2012 at 11:18 am

    Only 4 weeks!!!! He said that he slept around immediately and now he’s ‘seeing’ someone who he doesn’t have any feelings for 🙁 He and I fell in love hard but could not make it work because of our differences. It is probably the hardest and most undignified break up I have ever had to do – so trying to keep the focus on me – so feeling broken 🙁



  262.  #262Rose on May 18, 2012 at 11:18 am

    Aww Jessie…I know…I can so relate..

    I am raising my sweet little 4 yr old boy and do I feel worried sometimes, like I so want to give him everything he wants..
    I actually admire his direct requests to me for what his little heart desires..I admit I worry for when he gets older, as right now he is small, requests are smaller, as he gets older requests will be bigger..Will I be capable? I hope so 🙂

    I liked that article because there were a few examples my little guy somehow got granted his little desires somehow, if I said no to something he wanted, someway somehow grandma got it..lol

    I do believe now more and more in leaving these thoughts and desires up to the universe, whatever we want someway somehow I will have, my little guy will have, what you and everyone wants, we all will have :o) This feels freeing…

    I loved reading about your life when you were little in the country..aww it sounds so beautiful and wonderful and natural for children to grow up..I was born and raised in nyc and so is my little guy…I know things have changed even when I was little, he already took over my main pc, I never had one nor knew how to use when I was 4 lol

    You are so right, it does take a village to raise kids, I used to feel sad my little boy lost his father (he passed away) but I realize there are so many people around us that make up for it and I feel blessed for that..

    Kisses and Blessings to you and your sweet family…xoxo



  263.  #263Starla on May 18, 2012 at 11:23 am

    261 (((((((((sophie))))))))) i hope you’re just ignoring his ass.



  264.  #264Daria on May 18, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Coco Kisses – yay girk you sound strong…. But my questions to investigate might be a bit tough, I’m not totally clear on your pattern of interracting:

    Any chance that when he Does approach you, you actually get turned off and push him away? Since you’re not comfortable w that dynamic? Are you using feeling messages like ‘ouch that feels horrible I feel so mad’ or are you biting your tongue and taking the strong role?

    Not wanting to make you wrong here… really curious about the dynamics. Your husband sounds like the guy in the past post who can’t do anything right…

    He may indeed not be the right one for you if you don’t want him, but these are q that can help reveal your patterns and undo why you chose him



  265.  #265Daria on May 18, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Jessie- a no hugging kissing rule would not be healthy at all!

    In Love Scripts even when a woman was shaking with rage Rori worked with her to be shaking with rage and Still let her husband in close and let him hug her

    I feel scared thinking about that too!



  266.  #266confessions on May 18, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Hugs sophie. Its not easy…allow yourself to feel sad sink into you’re feelings of sadness, feel it…..cry…..then pick yourself up and get back in CD and dating and loving yourself. Captivate every negative thought and consentrate on thinking positive and having positive self conversations. one morning you will wake up and all the hurt will be gone.



  267.  #267Daria on May 18, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Radlove – for me the loneliness feels Less when I meet with the 5 – 30 ppl

    Each person I meet and talk about my dreams with and share my feeling with I discover more about my dreams and my heart

    It feels lovely to bless these ppl w my presence and receive their gifts for me

    ((((men))))



  268.  #268Femininewoman on May 18, 2012 at 11:41 am

    Jessie – I just read about being estranged from your mother and wanted to share something that has helped me, even with people who have died. Say aloud I forgive you, while mentioning their name. It helped to free up stuck energy for me and move to compassion where there was some anger.



  269.  #269Daria on May 18, 2012 at 11:42 am

    Ulii – I’d say it might be most healing to sink into your own feeling of ‘pain and sadness’ and show your inner self not only that you will be ok, But that men will contact you again without you doing a thing!

    Ditto to Daria



  270.  #270Tam on May 18, 2012 at 11:50 am

    @ Starla, I don’t know..how old is your CF and did he have other relationships? I believe some people even get married to what are essentially unavailable men, but don’t think they end up having a good time of it. I think they CAN change if they want to, but not if we want them to.
    In my case he was 50, never married and no kids..and yes, he had picked unavailable women also, had long distance relationships and even one married woman (separated but still unavailable). So that should have told me everything. In the end I did feel sorry for him because he told me that he was scared to end up a recluse because he knew he had a problem being close to people. From the sounds of it things are not always so bad and I think men, if they really want a committed and close relationship, can change – but they can’t change 100%…I think it just depends on how ‘damaged’ they are. And how much of it they can see.
    Point is that we should look after ourselves because we can’t make them change, we can only take responsibility for our own lives, it is sad but the only way, and I think you are doing great considering. Sometimes love is not so straightforward but it should not be so painful. That’s for sure.
    Your CF might be back and the real work will be: what will you do then? From experience, when mine came back i dropped everything and went for it – now I hope that I would behave differently and look after myself better. I think you are on the right track and have open eyes. 🙂



  271.  #271Starla on May 18, 2012 at 11:52 am

    he’s 30 I’m 27. he is 2 years and 364 days older than me:)



  272.  #272Daria on May 18, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    Memulo – ‘softly letting him know’ was inauthentic

    Rori particularly cautions on saying one thing implying another in the ‘don’t ask the innocent q’. This seemed similar

    An authentic way to softly let him know is ‘ Its not your fault, im just noticing feel a bit angry not seeing you for 4 days’

    I personally see you strategizing consistently and hiding your emotions… Hence you are keeping yourself in anxiety

    You seem to have the ‘high value woman’ thing down pat

    Your work would be at being authentic and letting go of control, and actually being with your feelings yourself!



  273.  #273Silver Moonbeam on May 18, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    FW – I bought a blender the other day, today I assembled it, it said to be careful of the sharp blades, oh yes I was ultra careful after reading of your mishap, I hope you are on the mend now. x



  274.  #274sophie on May 18, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    Thanks confessions – I know – one day I’m going to feel so happy to be free 🙂 and back to being an even stronger, wiser me 🙂



  275.  #275Jessie1000 on May 18, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Rose
    Im so sorry for your little boy and his father.
    Im so sorry for you too because you lost out on his presence in your life and to help you guide your son.
    I dont know what to say because I cant imagine how it must be for you.
    I know my roommates have been so wonderful to me and helped with being there with my boys and just passing the time while they grow up.
    How do you manage?
    Who steps in for you?



  276.  #276sophie on May 18, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    ((((Starla)))) 🙂 yep ignoring – far too much airtime in my mind though 🙂



  277.  #277Marianne on May 18, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    To be brutally honest, I think she is just enjoying the attention she is getting from him, and seeing if she has ‘still got it’.
    I would say the same to a man or a woman – if you feel you are being messed around, just walk!



  278.  #278Jilly on May 18, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    ok so I was reading Rori’s Newsletter and this is exactly what Rugby Man said to me, that he has never opened up this much before.

    “He can feel taken care of and safe – because he knows and feels that YOU have this emotion thing covered, that you can handle it, that you can FEEL – and so he starts letting his guard down.

    He starts feeling okay letting you see how he feels. Until YOU supply that “juice”, he’ll just stay in parking gear!”

    I’m his juice!! I love that!!

    He is coming over tonight at 7, and he made sure that he had tomorrow off to spend it with my family. He thinks that we spend way more time with his family and wants to make sure that I feel good with the time we spend with mine.

    I feel so happy and cared for with him. Can it really be this good?!!! 🙂



  279.  #279Rose on May 18, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    Aw thank you Jessie..for your words..I felt warm and concerned for..
    Unfortunately the relationship with my husband especially near the end was a strained one, things had gotten very difficult between us..
    On top of that his family is far away (in france) and they stayed away from us after his death…
    Luckily I feel so very blessed, my mother is 3 doors down the hall from me..
    When I go to work she is my babysitter and she takes amazing care of him…My father comes over every time he can to spend time with him and play and then I have a few close friends nearby and my R who is good to him and a good male role model..
    I feel blessed because when I thought I had lost all, I look around and say I have so much…

    I felt so good reading about about your sweet roomates, how good that must be to have loving people near you who care…

    Hugs



  280.  #280Rose on May 18, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    Femininewoman I love what you said to Jessie…I was doing that especially with my late husband as their had been resentment and anger..
    I started saying exactly those words..his name, I forgive you…and like a large weight feels lifted from my chest, the feelings of resentment, guilt melt away…only compassion and love is left..for me, and for him…



  281.  #281Jilly on May 18, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    Also… the other night we were talking and I mentioned that a friend from school was going through a hard time and had contacted her EX (whom threatened her life almost a year ago and went to jail) and that she was contemplating on seeing him…

    Rugby Man was soo cute! He started getting frustrated, he couldn’t believe that she would lack the emotional control to NOT contact him and find new men to date.

    He said that was way to complicated…and then he was like “baby, I don’t want complicated” and I said ” i like that, me either” 🙂

    I know Christian Carter talks about in his ebook the attractiveness of women having “emotional control” and Rugby Man has mentioned how he loves how emotionally stable I am…(which really means; leaning back, feeling messages, and no over functioning) 🙂



  282.  #282Rose on May 18, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    Jilly, I loved that newsletter too, I saved it 🙂
    Its amazing how it all works our so well..you feel safe and cared for, he feels safe and lets his guard down, and the cycle continues..love it..
    You are the “juice”, girl !!! 🙂



  283.  #283Jilly on May 18, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    awwww….(((Rose)))

    it feels so good to hear how much peace you feel in your life. 🙂 it really comes through your writing 🙂



  284.  #284Jenny on May 18, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Ok ladies – me doing some thinking again.

    Today I got an letter from a man.

    I had written to him when he taled about his work:

    “I can understand that if feels hard to wokr such long days”

    And he wrote back:

    “Yes very long days. I’m looking for a new work, I want to work within restrunt buisness, better then being a pizza baker, more salery”

    And here I got a little well over thinking.

    I wrote: “I can understand days feels long. I can think it feels more safe with a more stabil salery.

    And here I wanted to write; “I belive in you as a human and a man, I think you can do it” – but I thought it might be too much to writte to someone after just 4-5 mails…so insteed i wrote; “I belive humans can do whatever they wish for”

    Any thoughts ladies – I’m sometimes having hard time what to write when they talk about wanting a better work, dreaming about a better life. I dont want to mother them, noir make it sounds like all I care about is their work/money

    …or I’m overthinking it?

    ohh and that mans respond to me was:

    “Hello beautiful flower
    How are you?
    Today I’m free from work, going out soon with a friend to eat, I’m hungry 🙂
    Beautiful you, here is my number if you want”

    So I wrote back:

    Hi, feels good to read your letter. I feel smiling. Feel beautiful and red on my cheeks. Feels lovelly be called a flower. I’m just a girl here and as all girls do, it feels good to hear compliments.

    I can imagine it feels nice meet a friend and good to eat.

    Thanks for your number”

    Any thoughts?



  285.  #285Starla on May 18, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    Alaska treated me to a smoothie today for my lunch break. I am feeling more and more genuinely attracted to him, but I don’t trust it very well, because I think he just might be my methadone to get me off of a heroin addiction?

    He has a lot of really wonderful qualities and I sincerely believe he deserves a chance, although I won’t be dating him very much right now because of my strike. Lunch here and there or hanging out once in a while is cool, though.

    And yet, I am realizing that with Rori’s tools, I am actually capable of having a fulfilling relationship with ANYONE who wants it. So I feel weird, like I can’t trust myself to know if I have my soulmate or not.

    I still believe CF is my soulmate. Silly Starla



  286.  #286Starla on May 18, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    aaaaaaaaaand i just looked at CF’s and his sister’s fb page, after resisting so long. It didn’t feel toooo triggering, just a little. I can’t blame myself — it’s natural to want information about someone who just poofed one day! I’m okay:)



  287.  #287ulii on May 18, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    RE 233 Silver Moonbeam
    Thanks for the link!
    Great video! I loved the advice and him saying at the end:
    “My sons know that they don’t get in the car until their mother and their sisters are in the car! ”
    So good if they are educated well so early! 🙂

    I don’t know if I have lived in a very impolite environment, but I don’t remember seeing or experiencing men opening car doors ever. Maybe only the taxi drivers. And even then mostly not. Or maybe I didn’t register.



  288.  #288Femininewoman on May 18, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    SMB I was just in the health food store and was told that the same incident happened to one of their employees 2 weeks ago though her seems like a little less damaged than mine. Hers were two fingers and no bones. I only noticed that warning on mine AFTER my incident.

    (((((((Hugs to ME)))))))))))



  289.  #289Femininewoman on May 18, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Jenny lose the number. Anybody sending me their number gets a response from me with mine.



  290.  #290Jenny on May 18, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    289: Femininewoman…so I should just send him my number?

    I didnt sms him, just sent him an on site letter



  291.  #291Jilly on May 18, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    Starla…it feels so controlled…what about just having fun?? not thinking or worrying he’s this or that…”what if he’s a rebound?”

    What if Alaska is here to help you? (because he is, he is here now)



  292.  #292Tam on May 18, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    @ Starla, I think the tools we learn here are great. However, I do not believe it just takes any old ‘good man’ to have a relationship just for relationship’s sake.
    I honestly think there are a only few chances (maybe even only 1 or 2)for us out there, to meet someone who ‘gets us’ and whom we are on a wavelength with – and I would rather wait for someone who might not be the perfect super duper good man (I also have issues), but someone who is MY man, with flaws and all.
    However, he has to feel the same way about me and NOT be ambivalent like a truly unavailable man. For it to be a true soul mate connection, it has to come from both sides and I also believe that if things are meant to be, and someone is ‘your man’ they will fight for you
    My Mr unavailable still contacts me and yes, we have a pretty strong connection, in fact only today he was telling me how he felt, which is a huge thing for him and me. Deep down, however, I know he is not ready and probably never will be so in the end I have decided to let it be, and move on with my life…and just hope that I have enough strength to stay away from him, because if he doesn’t change it will never go anywhere (and the hilarious thing is he sent me lyrics of a song with the word ‘baby, baby don’t rush me, we’re going to be ok bla bla). It makes me laugh now, in a good way, whereas before I’d have gone ‘aaawwww, le loooves me and just can’t do it’. Now I just think ‘yea, yea, yea, same old’ and don’t see him as a ‘potential’ anymore.
    🙂



  293.  #293Starla on May 18, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    Jilly, he is helpful, but it’s at his expense, because he’s looking for a wife and I might be wasting his time giving him false hope that the cool nerdy chick who looks sexy in glasses isn’t gonna break his heart.

    Sometimes I cringe at the way he acts, like “omg what a dork.” But underlying it all, I sincerely feel h*rny for him, lol.

    Well, at least he’ll probably get some booty out of this, even if he gets his heart broken…



  294.  #294Starla on May 18, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    i just devalued myself big time saying “at least he’ll get some booty out of this.”

    i take it back.

    i am worthy of his affection and i can give it freely, too.



  295.  #295Jilly on May 18, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    oh I see…you don’t really “see” it going anywhere…and you don’t want to hurt him?



  296.  #296Starla on May 18, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    yes, for now i don’t see it going anywhere. and sometimes he says things about being lonely, or about women he’s tried to date that are just crazy, that make me think he’s desperate. And I don’t want to get with a desperate guy. I want to get with a guy who chooses me specifically.

    Dear Universe, I trust you.



  297.  #297Jilly on May 18, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    ((((starla))))) yep I hear what you are saying…I would feel wary too



  298.  #298Starla on May 18, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    like attracts like, though
    i am also “desperate” looking for any male attention and affection that feels safe enough to do for me what i need it to do right now.

    so right now he and i are perfect for each other:P



  299.  #299Jilly on May 18, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    I don’t like the word “wary” I decided lol…



  300.  #300ulii on May 18, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    @Radlove
    @Jessie1000 (really love the energy behind your words by the way!! 🙂 )
    @Daria

    Thank you for your responses for my earlier cry for help.
    I just went running and the urgency to to something passed. I guess that was the “damage control” thing (I have heard that expression over the blog many times) i wanted to do.

    Actually I know he will contact me again.

    And I know there will be many more similar chat conversations. Where I get overly excited or really emotional and can not compose a feeling message. But I try to sink in my feelings next time (how is that exactly? ) .. But I’m afraid, then I go all quiet and can not say a thing, yet any feeling message.

    Really-really this is hard for me to manage. He says a simple “How are you?” and I’m feeling many controversial things at a time. I’m feeling great/I’m feeling lovely/I’m feeling angry/I’m feeling surprised/I’m feeling excited/I’m feeling lonely/I miss you so much/My heart is just beating so fast every time I see your name popping up/I´m feeling sad/I´m also feeling not important enough ………… all this is at same time.



  301.  #301ulii on May 18, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    Ok, and as I’m wondering how to manage all these feelings, I just have the answer here in this last newsletter from Rori! 🙂 Thank you Rori so much!!!!

    “”So Let’s Find The Juice…

    Next time you’re with a man, instead of working to be perky and funny, and easy and confident – check in with your body and your heart.

    How do you REALLY feel? Are you nervous? Excited? Upset with him about something he just did or didn’t do? The moment you try to pretend you don’t feel what you actually DO feel – all your juice dries up.

    So:

    1. Find the juice. Find your feeling, whatever it is. If you have lots of feelings, and they’re bounding back and forth, find them all as you can sense them.
    2. Write them down. For each feeling, write it like this:
    I feel…..(sad, mad, glad, afraid…).
    3. Now – feel your FACE.
    That’s right, your face. Put your hand to your cheek and your jaw, and see if you can feel the muscles and how they’re working. See if your face has the same expression as your feelings – see if they match.
    That means – if you’re smiling – you’d better be feeling happy. And if you’re frowning, you’d better be feeling mad or sad.
    4. Now adjust your face to fit your feelings, instead of the other way around. You may have to excuse yourself and go to the bathroom to check this out in the mirror.
    5. Now take a chance and speak exactly how you’re feeling, simply and clearly, without mentioning him or what he did or didn’t do.
    Just own your feelings, own your juice. “”



  302.  #302Dominique on May 18, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    Aurora – #176 – Is there maybe something within yourself you don’t trust?

    I too struggled with this even though I had no reason whatsoever to no trust.

    It came down to learning to feel more and more secure within myself. The more stable and secure and self-loving I became, the more this feeling of uneasiness and mistrust faded away. The not trusting had nothing to do with him at all.

    xxoo



  303.  #303ulii on May 18, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    @Femininewoman

    I hope your fingers are healing well!!
    I loved to hear that you are from Jamaica! Love that music from there!!



  304.  #304Femininewoman on May 18, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    Thanks Ulll and thanks for reposting that



  305.  #305Daria on May 18, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    im feeling sad

    Dman called me and we takled for almost 2 hours and i think i got in my boy energy just tellnig him stories and him me… which is what my pattern is with Dman

    and at one pt i felt bad that he interrupted me to tell me wow at some girl’s ass he saw on youtube and

    i felt bad

    and sad

    and still do

    and actually he wants me to be his friend, doesnt even want sex

    and i was very opne that i would want more cuz i feel so connected to him

    we love each other but

    as far as romantic attraction mffffff

    i dont even FEel romantically attracted to him and i start thinking we can be freiens…

    until i notice my feeling sad and bad

    he still lives with him baby mom even tho he says they will probably break up cuz they fight a lot and he goes to see other women sometimes nad her and her family dont trip

    i feel really good about myself how clearly i communicated about waht i dont want

    also he talked a lot about death as he usually does he’s traumatized got this thing where he always sees people dying

    he went to Texas recently and saw three people jumping the fence and they Border Guard sniper shot each of them in the head… hes telling me all about getting their head open up like a V shape and

    how the thrid one threw his hands up and hes like “ayuda-me” but he was shot killed anyway with his hands up

    i didnt know thats how it was going down wow

    this and other incidents we talked about is testing my commitment to not making it an ‘us vs them’ scenario and not placing blame

    i feel so mad about this in the world and i want to heal it all



  306.  #306Daria on May 18, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    ulii – yes 🙂 we feel many things at the same time, Rori says just pick one to express 🙂 one that feels positive works well

    unless you’re feeling upset and your most intense feeling is not a happy one



  307.  #307Radlove on May 18, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    Daria,

    267 – “Radlove – for me the loneliness feels Less when I meet with the 5 – 30 ppl

    Each person I meet and talk about my dreams with and share my feeling with I discover more about my dreams and my heart

    It feels lovely to bless these ppl w my presence and receive their gifts for me

    ((((men))))”

    Daria, What a beautiful attitude! I am just not there. Between depression over R (Starla, a definite energy drainer, needless to say) and being unemployed, with all the stress of being stretched financially, my life is pretty much in a state of emergency.

    I feel a need to regain my balance before I bring more men into my life. I need to clean and organize my house, lose some weight, get more stable with bills and expenses.

    I don’t like to open my energy to men who just aren’t my type. Therefore, I’d rather meet men in person, by going to Christian conferences and meetings. Then my chances of meeting a compatible man will be far greater.



  308.  #308Daria on May 18, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    i dont feel romantic about him like thinking oh me an Dman fantasiez of us bein together…

    actually i feel annoyed thinking of having to ‘put up with him’ ! the way he is in a relationship, where he might randomly bring up another woman

    and so i think of course we can be friends!

    but tehn i feel bad when that other woman stuff comes up…

    so ….

    i guess not?

    ill just keep it at… if you wanna take me out on a date that would feel cool… i dnot feel cool bein ‘friends’ cuz i notice i wind up feelin bad

    and i dont want to have any sex while you’re still living with your baby mama

    he also told me that my girl that use to get drunk that i no longer am hanging aroudn! (yay me)

    who got with Get Right and etc

    also tried to get with him while i was at the store lol

    he is handsome

    he was offering to take me and interoduce me to this guy who likes me too… and at the same time i know he actually Does get jealous still (says he doesnt) like when his friend started talking to me nad he talked to his friend and scared him off…

    blah

    i feel so loved and connected and also can get that heartsad feeling with him

    mm i dont want that

    im feeling more boy now and less girl than before

    i just get chattery w him

    ach

    i can say i dont want to date while you’re living with another woman…

    but am i really gonna say no when he so excitedly decides hes gonna come see me an smkoe w me an my lil girl gets all excited to have a homie friend to spend time with?

    he reminds me and connects with me the way my borhters do and it makes me feel happy and joyful

    this feels so confusing!

    i feel glad im here to love me

    i feel all confused in my head

    ok

    so the rori way to do this if i can remember in my confusedness is to say no

    i dont want to be friends

    i feel romantic towards you someitmes i noticed and

    i dont want to be just friends

    if you want to take me out some time that would feel cool

    *aww thats gonna break his heart he just wants to be my friend 🙁 *

    and thats ok

    hes a man he can handle it

    (((Daria)))



  309.  #309Starla on May 18, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    Maybe it IS just my rebound voices talking, but Alaska increasingly shows me that he is a nice, good, available guy who appreciates a good woman. Just got a nice email from him about how nice it was to see me today. And it was specific to me, not particularly “desperate.”

    awwwwww.

    i feel lit up from the nice compliments.



  310.  #310Radlove on May 18, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    Ruth,

    260 – Thank you!



  311.  #311Daria on May 18, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    Radlove – what i learned from Rori is that in order to attract the relationship we want…

    we open up our heart to everyone

    and we learn not to ‘type’ men

    the Circular Dating is not for meeting the right type of man.

    The right type of man will actually come FIND US!!!

    when we have built our relationship skills enough to tell the truth without blame to any man , and be open enough to receive love

    Circular Dating is for that – building our skills – not for bringing a man into our lives, any of that. all of that is actually premature, as a man who will be our life partner will find us and do that work himself!

    not using energy circular dating is

    ‘i dont want to use energy to grow myself’

    ‘id rather go into Looking for men based on my previous patterns (type) and work hard at making an instant relationship ‘work”

    ***

    the Circular Dating builds your skills. as your skills build, your ‘type’ of man will start being attracted to and come to you THEMSELVES!

    ***

    i guess this is for me, too… hmmm



  312.  #312Daria on May 18, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    Radlove – i realize you are just not there, but you will be there once you start

    or you can take another few years if you’d like

    it will all work out anyway



  313.  #313Starla on May 18, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    i do feel really judgmental towards alaska, though. i think he writes to me like a girl, but i think he’s mirroring my communication style maybe? I’m interested in a second opinion here, please!

    “Lunch was very nice. I always feel so privileged. I like that you feel comfortable enough around me to talk about all those internal things you have/had going on. Or maybe it was the intoxicating taste of the Jamba Juice? 😀 It was really awesome to see such a happy, bouncy Starla too! Made me all smiley and stuff. Keep messing with me, I like it. When you walked away to go to work I just thought you didn’t want a hug but I’m glad you stopped and let me give you one lol! I like squeezing you :)”



  314.  #314Rebecca on May 18, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    I feel really scared…
    I have just stood up for myself and I feel really scared.
    I just stood up to a guy who has treated me, in my opinion, really badly.
    I feel scared. What does this mean?
    Before I was holding it all in and letting him treat me badly.
    I still don’t feel I will get compassion, respect or understanding from him. I feel anxious. I don’t know the ‘right’ way to act.
    I am scared.



  315.  #315Starla on May 18, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    Brenda 307 I think you and R drained EACH OTHER of energy. If it were me, I would be thankful that you are no longer in bondage to each other in this way.



  316.  #316Daria on May 18, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    the blog feels downer to me since last nite, i feel resentful of it when it feels like this

    i feel guilty writing that

    i wonder what this is showing up for me to heal?

    i just am feeling a bit SCARED i notice

    oh! that means a big pond clearing is coming! yay!



  317.  #317Daria on May 18, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    oh and he always brings up sex btwn us and so i knoe he wants to have sex

    im like friends dont have sex hes like, well yeah some friends do

    im like nah i dont wana be that friend

    offfffffff

    freakin annoyin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    what feels freakin annoying is how ‘friend’ and trusting i feel with him

    i feel loved talkin to him in a way or connected…

    mfffffff

    waht is it?

    does it make me wanna lean towards him

    yes i wanna run and throw my arms around him

    ok

    lean back…

    and nwo

    what do i feel

    thrilled unsure insecure

    is that what my lean forward hug is hiding?



  318.  #318lilybelly on May 18, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    It just occurred to me that after the last two weeks and all the scary stuff with my mom, that I really haven’t been loving on myself very much. And because of that, I feel really off balance.

    Any good suggestions for quick pick me ups? I have been so consumed with fear and worry that my vibe is waaaaayyyy off.



  319.  #319Daria on May 18, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    Starla – aww 🙂 id feel great reading that!

    its ok to have judgements… theyh dont really matter they’re nto true!



  320.  #320Daria on May 18, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    Rebecca – thats totally natural! but now whatever his response, you HAVE TAKEN THAT STEP FOR YOURSELF

    you have proven to yourself you DO love yourself!

    and you can feel this fear and it will PASS and then your inner self will be less afraid to take another step



  321.  #321Starla on May 18, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    Daria, what happened last night to make you feel downer with the blog?



  322.  #322Jilly on May 18, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    Starla…it feels sweet…and a little gushy..can you handle it? hehe…



  323.  #323Jilly on May 18, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    ((((Lilybelly)))) I would start with this moment and do what feels good to you…

    take a break,
    lay down,
    eat some yummy food,
    glass of wine,
    snuggle up with a book
    watch your favorite show



  324.  #324Daria on May 18, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    i will celebrate my feeling unwanted on blog (hmm?) feeling uncomfortable expressing my truth

    my steps of saying exaclty how i feel

    he actually opened up too and said that he had fallen for a girl when she was 17 and she wanted to be spoiled and be given hella stuff and he go down on hre but then he was like wait a minute what are you doing for ME!

    and then i said i want a man who wants to take care of me and also want him to feel appreicated and he said a loud YEAH

    pfffff

    sigh

    ok

    what energy did i receiv

    i got energy from that one cd an he got sik

    i got energy from Dman contacting me

    i got a lotta messages

    im hugnry now

    i dont have quail eggs in teh fridge and the store feels far and i feel dizzy

    ((((Daria)))



  325.  #325Rebecca on May 18, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    Daria – thank you for your words. I feel it, but I am scared of it also… My anger feels very powerful at the moment and I am scared of losing it completely, and losing my focus etc. And going off on tangents etc..



  326.  #326Daria on May 18, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    Starla – i felt kinda pushed back posting with Auroragirl and i also have been feelin disconnected from you

    I feel uncomfortable reading posts about . sigh

    i just feel uncomfortable posting myself and encouraging everyone with advice of what I know from rori

    and i guess im doing it to myself then

    hmm

    i can just lean back and dont give anyone any adive

    i feel sad tho when i read about soulmates i know how thrilling it is for me that theres no “the one” just that everyone

    can BECOME the one THROUGH ME! and maybe their soul will remember me another life but the important part is

    its about creating NOW!

    and taht feels exciting and naturally healthy in a horizontal way not in a vertical piny way for a star dropped soul-mate which was my previous dream of true love

    and i feel sad about women taking breaks from dating or saying htey’re not ready when

    the fastest way to move through what they are feeling is to immediately date and practice

    and i know its all bs and they will actually date if they are aksed (watching it happen) and it also feels bad that tehy are bsing themselves like that

    like cutting themselves off from their own truth that its possible to receive even when feeling broken

    that they’re not really broken at all

    and i felt really impressed by that Dr. Paul article of how to handle rejection which was to 18o away and INSTANTLY open up to the other pppl around and then the rejection doesnt even feel like that to the feminine self a

    and i want to do that for myself and … im doing it now ok turning away from DMAN 180 and opening up to ther other men who’ve been ocntacting me

    oh i just had a shift

    i was feeling drained thinkong of answering and now i feel open to RECEIVE instead of GIVE answers

    and i feel scared to communicate all this

    i have a belief that telling the truth to my close friends will push them away and to keep it bottled in

    and that idd work for me but it also kept a distance btwen me and that person and i dont want that



  327.  #327ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    Hi Sirens! Just checking in. Been spending the day cleaning, weeding, grocery shopping, need to mow the lawn, shower and start making some food. Still a bunch left to do.

    My robins nests are pretty active. The babies are really big and hopefully, they will leave their nest tomorrow before the party starts. I know mama robin will not be happy with all these tall people walking past her nest!



  328.  #328Dominique on May 18, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    Lilybelly – More hugs on top of more hugs. Hot showers or baths, applying great smelling soaps, lotions, and essential oils lavishly. A glass or three of a really good wine if you like wine or some other stiff drink of choice. Some really good quality chocolate to go with.

    Ask me for a present, and I’ll send you one.

    Message me. I have something to tell you, top secret lol.

    xxoo



  329.  #329Daria on May 18, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    I feel compelled to give more. hmm. im feeling anxious

    i want to share this conversation as an example of how I quickly give my information to move offline to meeting a man.

    this is his first contact with me (notice theres nothing special or exciting or even particularly giving about his INITIAL contact, and how he gets MORE complimentary as I appreciate) :

    Him : Wats hannin

    Me: 🙂 im feelin good thank you …

    Him: U Lookin good to wats yo name

    Me: aww 🙂 thank you i feel smily readin that.. my name is Daria

    Him: Its my job to make u smile love u stay in da bay

    Me: yeah im feelin chill out here im in San xxxx

    Him: Dats wats up i stay in Oakland wish i was chillin wit u

    6 minutes ago

    Me : 🙂 that would feel lovely papi if u wanted to come see me id feel open to meet u im signing offline… im at 555-555-5555

    ***

    and there it is! i dont know if he will call me or not, come see me or not, but now he has my number and he knows i feel open to meet him and if he’s a man who’s interested in that HE WILL PUSH FORWARD AND CALL AND COME SEE ME!

    thats it!

    no using my energy to connect online, i want to conenct w men in my real present touchable life



  330.  #330Rebecca on May 18, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    Damn, I’ve just read my email back, that J sent him, and it doesn’t make a lot of sense! Hope he gets the geist of it!!
    I have the Erasure song ‘Give a little respect to-o-o me’ in my head now..
    Good night everyone… Xx



  331.  #331Starla on May 18, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    That’s okay, go on and be disconnected from me, girl. And I’ll keep making my own choices and experimenting with various approaches regardless of what you think of it. Hope you feel better soon.



  332.  #332Daria on May 18, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    Daria loves herself! Daria feels panicked being this honest!

    When Daria is honest, Daria gets yelled at and hit!

    Daria wants to heal this!!!!!!!!!

    hehehehehehehe



  333.  #333Starla on May 18, 2012 at 4:24 pm

    I’m on dating strike not because of feelings with men, but because i need to take this opportunity to focus on myself. i feel so grateful for it. in an ideal world i could balance it all, men AND myself, but right now i can’t/don’t want to, and I would never date as a duty if it puts me second.
    love to me.



  334.  #334Starla on May 18, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    it feels bad being told i’m full of BS when I’ve cancelled and turn down several dates, even with Alaska.
    I’m doing the best I can and I feel hella p*ssed at you, actually. Like, go on and walk a day in MY shoes before you judge.



  335.  #335Daria on May 18, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    Starla – DAAMN that feels bad. UGH .

    I dont actually want you to feel mad or criticized or me to get AtTACKy PUSH AWAY MESSAGES

    thats what i expect to happen and it happens and yet I guess its part of healing as I express myself fuchk it

    I dont care about anyone (hi thought)

    Idont need anyone (hello)

    I can do fine by myself (hi 🙂 welcome!)

    ok.

    so yeah i feel disappointed no MAGIC happened where i felt loved and honored and close

    and im sure it will happen anyway evenutally

    i mgihta went glib over some communication where i coulda taken out yous and turned it to fms

    and any lil deviance there usually triggers defensiveness so

    keep on babystepping to full feeling messages

    it will all heal like my relationship with my mom is, even if she blows up at first when i change things



  336.  #336Daria on May 18, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    actually i fully believe you can take care of yoruself AND DATE

    and actually that DATING IS HUGE in taking care of yourself

    i hear that you dont think so and i do actually belive you can even if you dont

    it sounds to me like:

    “i wanna take care of myself in all ways except this one that I know will work the most powerfully, because im attached to feeling bad right now and i don’t want to stop feeling bad”

    and that’s cool cuz we all do that and i do that too blah blah

    theyre subconscious patterns and you don’t have to do any thing you don’t want to do

    and i can just keep saying waht i see and how i feel about it the way we do with all the sirens here

    im not inside you and i can’t do this for you or expect anything of you but I CAN tell you waht i see and feel hopefully in a non triggering way although

    i suck at that!

    and id like to heal and shift that belief about myself so i dont keep showing up sucky



  337.  #337Rose on May 18, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    (((((Jilly)))))) aww I really do feel that way..feeling smiley and excited it is seen..:) 🙂



  338.  #338Rose on May 18, 2012 at 4:51 pm

    Love all the yummy taking care of yourself advice to Lillybelly from Jilly & Dominique…Feels so relaxing and soothed just reading it…



  339.  #339Daria on May 18, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    what i meant about bs is going out wiht guys “as friends” when its an actual date, one’s just telling themselves its “as friends” and that’s not really necessary

    theres not diff btwn dating as friends and dating as long as the man is romantically interested

    dating isnt for finding a relationship either

    its about accepting man attention so better to stop telling oneself one can’t handle it when one can and is handling it under the ‘friends’ logo

    but if that ‘friends’ logo is helping someone and im realinzing it is cuz its makin it easier to date while holding the “i can’t handle dating right now belief”

    so i guess its all good

    and i apologize for ranting and not feeling messageing everything

    i feel guilty and am beating myself up for doing myself and you and everyone a disservice by not sticking to fm’s that feel connecting and warm and

    instead using all my intensity to type quickly and ‘get it all out’ so im kinda spewing and

    that is something to heal and

    i will NOW STOP!

    i feel excited to stop!



  340.  #340Daria on May 18, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    sorry Starla . for some reason i learned to express love by yelling at someone when i care about them and i actaully FEEL like im loving them doing it and

    reality is it doesnt feel good receiving that

    and *I* don’t feel good receiving that myself so i know.

    SORRY! 🙁

    feelin guilty

    i WILL Heal this

    i WILL be sharing love consistently in a way that feels loving and non judgemental and non controlling



  341.  #341Daria on May 18, 2012 at 4:59 pm

    wow. you don’t deserve to have to tolerate my compulsion of spewing on you

    🙁

    sorry

    🙁

    hangs head

    ironically i don’t feel disconnected at all anymore i feel close

    so i guess it did work at least on my side

    and i know it can work way better when i choose more peaceful sharing words

    (((Daria)))

    i feel scared a bit to hug you now, i feel scared i’ll get pushed away while you’re feeling upset

    (reminds me of mom dynamics)



  342.  #342ulii on May 18, 2012 at 5:35 pm

    @Daria
    I just wanted to say that i appreciate so much your advice to me or to others or just sharing here. It is often so helpful, and I would think…”Aha, of course, that’s how it works!..” 🙂 (Like your post now about giving your contact quickly to really meet a guy!) And I feel happy that you are sharing all you are sharing. Thank you!



  343.  #343Daria on May 18, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    wow i feel better after quail eggs! and connecting with mom

    awww

    mom is practicing receiving a trip from her friend too



  344.  #344Daria on May 18, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    wow thanks Ulii – it feels wonderful to read that 🙂 🙂



  345.  #345Emerson on May 18, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    381 Jilly says
    “I know Christian Carter talks about in his ebook the attractiveness of women having “emotional control” and Rugby Man has mentioned how he loves how emotionally stable I am…(which really means; leaning back, feeling messages, and no over functioning) ”

    hmmmmffffff
    I find this triggering that CC said this…I’m wanting to understand it but I’m feeling defensive and triggered by it because I used to be VERY emotionally controlled and it can be stifling/appear rigid and stiff. So what if I’m not emotionally controlled, sometimes I start crying right there in the car with Recycled in the past and say “I feel sad” or “I feel angry” or whatever…
    I’m not sure I understand what this emotional control thing is when I’ve been working so hard to feel/show my emotions more that I used to.
    🙄



  346.  #346Emerson on May 18, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    Jilly I’m glad things are going well with Rugby man 🙂



  347.  #347Starla on May 18, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    (((((((((((daria)))))))))))))))



  348.  #348Starla on May 18, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    eep sorry your mom pushes you away when you try to hug her.

    I remember I gave my mom a pretty necklace and a card once as a “peace offering” when we had been fighting a lot. I was probably about 15 years old. She threw it at me and said I couldn’t “buy” her favor. She treated me so much like a quarrelsome boyfriend. Yuck. I feel slimed just thinking about it.



  349.  #349Emerson on May 18, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    I feel a mix of emotions today

    I feel hopeful and hopeless at the same time.

    I have opportunities coming my way, but I feel fearful that my financial situation will stay the same and it feels hopeless.

    I feel stuck. I want to move to a new area because I feel it will be better for me with quality of life standards…..
    but I feel grateful for the opportunity I found for work that is where I currently live. But I want to move soon. And now if I get an offer I cannot refuse, I’m “stuck” here again.

    I knwo that sounds wierd and maybe not thankful…but I have to think about this for a while so I can make sense of it.

    My Mom is hard for me to deal with right now, I have a hard time talking to her because she wants me to be in my “role” of aww poor Emerson or oh we are praying for you Emerson or whatever she tells her friends God only knows….it’s like I went through one or two tough times and now it’s all she identifies with and feels sorry for me but then is also so weird how she relates to me trying to “help” but it’s not helpful.

    I am trying so hard to be able to relate to her because I don’t want to regret it one day when she is gone and I will feel awful. I just don’t know how to do it right now, it stirs up so much anger for me. She is such and overfunctioner and in denial of her own crap so she has to “feel sorry” and “help” and “pray for” me to deflect from her own f*#ked up-ness.

    I’m really just venting right now.



  350.  #350Radlove on May 18, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    Daria,

    312 – Thanks. Right now I have to focus on getting my ducks in a row for starting this job, and I have a lot to do. Once I start the job, it will take most of my energy the first week or two, adjusting to a long schedule and getting up early again. After that, I will focus on men again.



  351.  #351Radlove on May 18, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    Daria,

    311 – Thanks, and I know there is much truth in that. I think my big struggle is opening my energy to men and then feeling turned off when all they want is sex.

    It’s like they go in a restaurant and expect to eat, and they open a personal ad and expect to have sex.

    I feel turned off with warding them off, and I don’t want to meet any more men who are all about women = sex.

    I really need some positive dating experiences, even if they aren’t instant relationships. I fear if I continue with online dating, I will feel so negative toward dating that I will give up completely. I feel completely, utterly turned off by online dating.



  352.  #352Radlove on May 18, 2012 at 6:10 pm

    Daria,

    I AM reading this blog because I want to improve my skills and heal inside. Even as I say I am holding off dating and don’t want to date online, I am feeling lonely and want to look at men’s profiles sometimes just to imagine the possibilities.

    What I am saying is I feel conflicted. Yet every time i try to CD, I feel burnt.



  353.  #353Daria on May 18, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    (((Starla)))

    thank you that feels so comforting to see hugs from you!!!

    wow! sorry for that mom slime 🙁 i guess your mom’s love language is not “gifts”!

    or maybe it is!?? and she felt triggered receiving love?



  354.  #354Starla on May 18, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    ((((((((((((((((((((((Daria)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))



  355.  #355Daria on May 18, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    Radlove – I would feel burnt if I were expecting something to happen with the man

    that’s why dating a guy im NOT into helped so much, i no longer expected something to happen (though sometimes i would start liking him and expecting even then!)

    its NOT for something to happen

    its ONLY for PRACTICING YOUR SKILLS

    you want to GROW AS A PERSON

    everytime I go on a CDAte, I want to focus on PRACTICE! (remember that Daria, right now when i am craving smoking company so much)

    I want to notice the tools I’m using and record afterwards and celebrate the babysteps

    its impossible to get burnt this way! if a man says something that feels bad, it’s like “wow, how exciting, he said something that feels bad so i get to practice my line: “oh that feels bad!” and then give myeslf kudos for doing so!”

    think of it like bieng on the blog, you come here to learn about you and practice , not to make something happen with one of the women here



  356.  #356Emerson on May 18, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    Radlove I feel burnt out with online dating as well. So I’ve been parking myself at the coffeehouse and practicing 5 second smile etc…and it’s been ok. I am practicing being open and talkative to ALL men as Rori suggests-not giving them my # and home address obviously-but exercising friendliness and openness and warmth and expecting NOTHING.

    What you are saying about men just wanting sex, well most women are turned off by that and most of us here on the blog want more than just a man who wants us for sex. But I’ve tried to understand that men are carnal and if they are attracted, then they do want to have sex with us! I don’t hold it against them at all. It is a judgment to assume that it is ALL they want. How do you know this is a fact? You don’t.

    So problem is solved by exercising my boundaries and then I don’t have to worry about men who “just want sex”…because they can want it all day (duh I am a hot siren!!) but that does not mean I will give it to them!

    Also, if a man was not attracted to me sexually and we were dating, I would feel bummed out. I want him to feel attracted because it makes me feel turned on and more attracted to him. I am healing my fears around this because it feels scary and vulnerable and thank you for showing up to help me think about this and begin to resolve it with myself.

    Love to you Radlove.



  357.  #357Daria on May 18, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    you’ll know you’re making progress, because men you are actually intersted will start eventually showing up ON THEIR OWN!

    THEN the’ll be more practice

    but as a rule of thumb, the first rounds of men will be men you’re not interested in at best, and men who suck at worst



  358.  #358Radlove on May 18, 2012 at 6:28 pm

    Daria,

    355 – excellent. attitude. adjustment.

    So it’s really my negative attitude toward men that I need to heal. I love myself even tho I struggle with negative attitudes toward men.



  359.  #359Daria on May 18, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    ((((((((((((((((((Starla))))))))))))))))))



  360.  #360Daria on May 18, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    Radlove – i haven’t noticed too much of an attitude towards men from you personally

    if i were in your shoes, i’d work on exposure – getting myself out there on sites looking HOT

    AND running the business side of meeting quickly

    and practice my boundaries by accepting only men who come to me and SHORT LUNCH OR COFFE DATES



  361.  #361Daria on May 18, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    my own personal dates are not that short really

    a couple hours is what i feel comfortable with

    i noticed that anything over 2 hours i start feeling unworthy that im holding him up… or just uncomfortable

    around 2 hours feels good for me

    soemtimes 4 but that;s only if i require his company longer cuz i smoked and want to wait before going inside



  362.  #362Daria on May 18, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    Starla – i feel so way better. wow this truth telling thing is working to make me feel connected… i feel kinda sobby

    i still feel scared of it all around though

    (((Daria)))

    i feel so glad we talked and I feel glad we heard each other

    here’s to real communication babysteps



  363.  #363Daria on May 18, 2012 at 6:40 pm

    I used to sometimes spend a whole weekend or an overnight stay witha brand new CD!!!

    its only recently i realized how uncomfortable that is for ME!

    and healed my loneliness some that i no longer need to tolerate my uncomfortability to keep someone around



  364.  #364Daria on May 18, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    thankyou Radlove for calling my adjustment excellent

    hehe

    me likey that word



  365.  #365Starla on May 18, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    On the train ride home, a certain Kenya texted me to let me know he was sitting right behind me, haha. We had a nice chat on the way home. it felt nice to catch up with him. it feels very very interesting and freeing to see how differently i act towards him when i ‘don’t want a man’ right now. i feel at ease and it feels good to be relaxed and not like some anxious, scared cat or something, like how i always felt talking to intimidating men before. My adrenals thank me for this healing. I was so andrenalinesick until very recently. I can feel my adrenalinesickness/addiction working its way out of me this week. ((((((((((((((kidneys)))))))))))))))

    these two snooty looking white girls that neither of us know were sitting near us and seemed jealous that he was talking to me. they actually tried to butt in and undermine what i was saying! Can you believe that? and Kenya defended what I was saying, so cool and calm… thank you Kenya. I feel taken care of. And then instead of taking her bait for more debate, I complimented her boots (they were dope), which put a shocked look on her face and all she could say was “thank you.” “Mhm,” i said to her, and i turned back to my convo with Kenya. And then I could see he was actually looking at one of them a lot! She is very pretty, and i felt a twinge of jealousy for like .5 seconds. But then I remembered I don’t even WANT him, and meanwhile he’s trying to find me tonight where i’ll be out and he’s talking all loudly about wanting to spend time with me, and I just don’t really care all that much… but his eyes still keep wandering to her and I can feel that she’s looking back at him, even though he’s trying to talk to me. He probably didn’t even mean for it.. it was interesting how there were two sirens (me and her) who were each embodying their siren-ness in two different ways, and they each had a strong pull over him.

    When I got off the train, me and this girl actually ended up smiling genuinely at each other, like we both knew we were each the sh*t and realized competition was irrelevant.

    It felt like magic. Sister magic:). It feels so much better not feeling threatened by other women, even in intense situations like that. Now I am thinking about a woman coming on to my man in front of me at a party or something, and how i would want to handle that.



  366.  #366ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    Awww…Mr. Observant just messaged me a weather report for tomorrow, said it will be perfect and asked what I would like him to bring.



  367.  #367Daria on May 18, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    ‘Best Features: Having a huge penis dont mean u gotta be a porn star and having a high I.Q. doesnt mean u gota be an astronaut.. maybe i could be the first porn star in space?’



  368.  #368ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    LOL Daria

    Did a man write that to you?



  369.  #369Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    Daria #272,

    Thank you;) Yes, I don’t know what to do about my feelings. I feel afraid to sound too blamey.. I am still trying to find the balance between being witty and teasing him and expressing my feelings. I get scared easily. Or sometimes I need to remember to trust my feelings more. I am better at this, but still have a long way to go.

    Teasing him about flowers felt like teasing to me, not blaming. Sometimes it’s just less boring than saying it plainly. But sirens here heard it as blamey.. so I feel scared that I can’t trust my feelings.. it’s a loop;)

    He texted in midday that he is good for tomorrow date. I replied quickly with a very short happy text. Not a thank you and not an FM, again because it just felt right this way.



  370.  #370Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 6:58 pm

    RG,

    I hope you are not saying oh please don’t worry about bringing anything 😉 -?



  371.  #371Daria on May 18, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    same profile:

    “having no children of my own i was un prepared for the emotional fall out from having a relationship with a woman that had a child. The next time i pour out my heart and soul in a child we will share blood or my last name..what a woman did to me i guess i would only give to the worst of my enemies…im a strong individual and for a split second i was contemplating walking into traffic all because being told i couldnt see a child who i loved as my own.. this is the flip side that i guess alot of people dont talk about whenever single mothers are in a conversation”



  372.  #372Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    #367 Daria,

    He did mention his IQ second…………………………..

    LOL!



  373.  #373ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    Memulo lol, I’m trying so hard to come up with something, but I don’t need anything. A bag of ice? I wrote out, but haven’t sent yet. “I would love to come up with something, but I can’t think of a thing. Just bring your handsome self.”



  374.  #374Daria on May 18, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    Memulo – I wouldn’t be witty or tease him. those are all masculine energy and blocking your real deep feminine magnetism

    soem men invite this and it feels really challenging for me as that’s my default past mode witty and teasing

    they invite it (neighbor CD comes to mind) and yet it STILL drives us apart as his masculine energy withdraws! he’s less likely to give to me in small ways after teasing i noticed



  375.  #375Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    Daria, he sounds really good! I would ping him;) He feels like fun and has his heart/brains in the right place. Don’t know about other stuff but he says he’s ok and we here learn to trust right ;P



  376.  #376Daria on May 18, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    Receivng Girl – i would STOP!

    and use FEELING MESSAGES to Receive his energy what a perfect opportunity!

    ‘oh it feels so good that you are offering… 🙂 mm and i feel stuck thinking of something… im sure whatever you think of will feel wonderful :)’



  377.  #377Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    #373 NICE!

    I wish I could talk this way 😉



  378.  #378Starla on May 18, 2012 at 7:07 pm

    Sometimes I feel so connected to guys who share early on about how they were ‘wronged’ as good guys, because I really believe them and I am on their side, and I agree that he deserves better and I would want a man that good! But then I also feel icked out, because I don’t want to connect to his ‘story,’ I want to connect to HIM, but he’s too busy being a story and not himself to me.



  379.  #379Brandylion on May 18, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    It’s raining men!

    Got a walk my dogs in the park / maybe get coffee date for tomorrow.

    Have gotten excellent results with another man who said he will come up with a plan for us to get together early next week and get back to me.

    A guy from OkC with whom I was exchanging messages a couple of weeks ago asked tonight if I still want to talk to him. Numbers have been exchanged, and several FMs about me feeling good when men call me have gone out.

    Awesome! My energy is all on me right now, with one of the biggest days of my life thus far on Sunday. 🙂



  380.  #380Daria on May 18, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    Memulo – you can trust feelings that are just that… feelings

    if they say to do something or to say something that is not a feeling message, then they’re NOT actual feelings. just voices and patterns that we’re practicing noticing



  381.  #381Daria on May 18, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    yeah BRANDYLION!!!!!!



  382.  #382Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    Daria #374,

    Teasing can be feminine too.. I hear you, it just takes some fun out of communication. To think about it, isn’t it a bit boring and way too serious to always always listen to how you feel and express? I mean I have a lot of respect for the approach and it works like magic, but there must be some healthy balance between various ways of relating to each other?



  383.  #383ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    What about, ‘oh it feels so good that you are offering… 🙂 I forgot to buy a 12 pack of Miller Lite at the store today. It would feel wonderful if you could bring that.”



  384.  #384Daria on May 18, 2012 at 7:13 pm

    Starla – wow hmm… i feel inspired to look into my own ways about this

    i actually feel judgemental of guys who give out the i ‘have been wronged’ … i feel mistrustful

    includign this one

    i assuem they’re not gonna go the distance w masculine energy

    i wonder if i dont overdo it cuz i scan looking for any hint of bitterness

    i talked to a nice sounding man who ‘had been wronged by his wife’ and divorced

    i said: “i feel curious what part you played in that”

    and he’s like actually im glad you asked that i didnt’ play any part

    she was in afghanistan getting fuchked and got pregnant by dude and i was at home w the kids

    HOWEVER

    smoehow that felt bad the way he said it “getting fuchked” and

    i shut down and told hjim i actually gotta get off the phone

    i was gonna call him back however i did some muscle testing on myself as na experiment and got that it would not be healthy for me to meet him or call him back

    i feel guilty and confused, and i KNOW i felt shut down and bad

    im just gonna go with that



  385.  #385Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    #373 Actually to think about it I would personally feel scared and uncomfortable sending this.. maybe because it’s hard for me to compliment guys before I am really close to them. And even then it doesn’t happen often, unless they ask how they look.. I want THEM to compliment me lol



  386.  #386Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    Yay Jilly, I feel so happy for you! Please tell us more 😉



  387.  #387Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    Yes Daria I will try to experience it this way, thank you;)



  388.  #388Daria on May 18, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    Memulo – mm teasing can be feminine if you’re using feeling messages…

    it does not get boring to express feelings, it gets HUGELY CONNECTED

    its a ‘different’ type of vibe that most ppl ‘out there in the world’ are used to communicate with

    it creates EMOTIONAL CONNECTION

    i wouldn’t have a clue about this without having practiced, as at first i didn’t get it at all and i just copied copied copied as Jesse says, until i started experiencing and getting it myself.



  389.  #389Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    #383 RG,

    I like it.. Do you need to say 12 pack and not just ‘a pack’? Don’t listen too much to me, I never buy this stuff so may not know;)



  390.  #390Daria on May 18, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    Receiving Girl – yeah! great tweak on FM about the miller light



  391.  #391ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    Memulo, yes, I think a pack does sound better. Or maybe I should just say surprise me. LOL



  392.  #392Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    #388 Daria,

    Yes I guess I started feeling scared of copying;) and forgetting how I would ‘naturally’ react, i.e. loosing myself. I’ll be back on track eventually



  393.  #393Memulo on May 18, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    RG, I personally like ‘surprise me’ but from experience they get scared;) Well, some ppl do. Some guys just feel happier to be told what you want and deliver.

    If it were on a diff topic.. like my guy once texted ‘where can I kiss you’ at the beginning of our dating.. I still feel smiley having replied that 😉



  394.  #394ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    Yeah, I said, “It feels so good that you are offering. I actually forgot to get Miller Lite at the store today. It would feel wonderful if you could bring that. I think X is the only Miller Lite drinker.”

    He can decide how much to buy. 🙂



  395.  #395Daria on May 18, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    Memulo – how I ‘naturally’ react changes!!… many times for most of us its based on past patterns and is not a way to let in love actually 🙁

    it takes practice and then wow i find myself at a ‘New normal’ that feels happier than the old way



  396.  #396Emerson on May 18, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    383 I really like the wording!!

    I don’t know about “surprise me”…sometimes men want specific instructions of what we want cuz they are trying to make us happy…and it’s nice cuz then I can get exactly what I need if I express clearly!!

    🙂



  397.  #397ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    I think that makes sense Memulo. Thank you & Daria for helping me out with these fm’s. I need to go make some food now. I wish I had more time to read the blog!



  398.  #398ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    Thank you Emerson! 🙂 I feel so excited, but I had a feeling he would offer to bring something.



  399.  #399Radlove on May 18, 2012 at 7:43 pm

    Daria,

    360 – Thank you, that feels good.



  400.  #400Radlove on May 18, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    Daria,

    367 – LOL! Love it!



  401.  #401Starla on May 18, 2012 at 7:55 pm

    uhh so yeahhhh i am crack addictedly getting excited when i see i have a new email because i hope it’s alaska.

    hahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

    going out with my girl tonight, see yall later.



  402.  #402luzydel on May 18, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    I am not dating! Yayy me for not making anyone else responsible for my emotional well being. I feel the need to be with myself. I was invited to do a very important project (TV related) and I feel excited and scared, and insecure sometimes…

    I see a lot of exciting things coming to my life; I can’t say that I gave up on men (cause I did not) I just want to meet higher quality men…Men who I used to think will never give me a chance. Tired of meeting fixer uppers, or guys with an intense itch for sex.

    I do believe more and more that it will happen when I least expected…



  403.  #403Lucy on May 18, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    Daria 166. Sorry that felt bad to you.



  404.  #404Lucy on May 18, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    Aurora Girl 176. Thanks, it feels good to be understood.



  405.  #405Emerson on May 18, 2012 at 8:25 pm

    Where is SLV lately?



  406.  #406Lucy on May 18, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    T-Girl 210. YES, that’s what I’m talkin about 🙂



  407.  #407Daria on May 18, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    Lucy – thanks.. i feel ‘dead’ reading that… and disconnected

    and angry

    dono what that’s about… i want to heal this



  408.  #408Daria on May 18, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    my dad frequently complains about how i’m dressed

    he whines to my mom to say something often in front of me

    i said something but wound up in a name calling argument with him (i won for once and he shut up)

    but i dont want to do that

    well i said

    “i don’t want my clothes criticized”

    aha! no fm’s tho

    then he said, I don’t care what you want dont even know how to dress

    and i said

    i dont care what YOU want not like you dress that great anyway

    (aww i feel sad now writing this i usually praise him on his dress)

    blah blah it went on

    he’s like animal

    im like you’re an animla

    he’s like you’re a chickenhead (approx translation)

    im like you’re a chickenhead



  409.  #409Daria on May 18, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    i guess i can continue to make sure i say that feels bad i dont want to be criticized

    and expect an attack to which i will say

    ouch that feels bad and go upstairs



  410.  #410Emerson on May 18, 2012 at 8:49 pm

    I got a really bad sinking feeling ….a friend sent me a link with all good intentions of a woman who got married in her 40s never had children and how her life did not turn out how she thought it would…and how she coped to accept it through prayer etc….and other activities besides family 🙁 I feel sad typing that and also after reading it….
    I felt SO SAD FOR HER….and then I FELT
    SO SAD FOR ME.

    Super heavy heart frownie face sad. I had these thougths like “oh ok so I am going to accept that this is it…there is no hope for things to turn out how I wanted and that is to have a family OMG I don’t want to be alone…help help….I feel panicky”

    and those are the thoughts I was having this evening…I was actually feeling pretty good till I read it…

    I wish she had not sent me that.



  411.  #411Daria on May 18, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    i can practice to say something EVERYTIME

    i’ve conditioned myself to press my lips together and address a comment to my mom instead

    instead of that i can say

    wow i feel bad hearing that… i dont want my sense of style and femininity undermined by having my clothing criticized… i dont want to be treated that way

    ‘i’d feel open to hear compliments when you like my clothes, and i dont want to hear about my clothes looking bad’ – i LIKETHAT1

    my nv’s say ‘its not worht it to say anything in the moment’ which i got from my mom

    im sure that if consistently spoke up, this pattern would change rapidly



  412.  #412Daria on May 18, 2012 at 8:52 pm

    Emerson – maybe they’re showing up to show you how bad they feel and so you can give them a defininite NO THANK YOU



  413.  #413Daria on May 18, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    my dad’s good intentions are

    he wants me to look good and stylish

    i appreciate your desire to have me look good and stylish, and your support to do so… id feel open to hearing compliments on when i look good, and i dont want to hear when i look bad… i feel ok to look bad to some people and experiment with my own preferences



  414.  #414Emerson on May 18, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    412 who is “they”? the thoughts?



  415.  #415Daria on May 18, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    then he yells I DONT CARE WHAT YOU WANT DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO DRESS AT 30 years old

    and i say

    ouch… i feel bad and shut down… and go upstairs



  416.  #416Daria on May 18, 2012 at 8:58 pm

    i’m feelin their style with the neckwraps

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Seminole_family_Cypress_Tiger.jpg



  417.  #417Daria on May 18, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    Emerson – yes 🙂



  418.  #418Emerson on May 18, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    thx Daria

    I feel chokey
    I feel scared
    I feel teary
    I feel sad
    I feel helpless
    I feel hopeless
    I feel mad
    I feel angry
    I feel disappointed in myself
    I feel lost
    I feel needy
    I feel alone
    I feel scared



  419.  #419Daria on May 18, 2012 at 9:14 pm

    Emerson – wow! now take it to the next step…

    I love my chokey feeling… I love my scaredness.. I love my

    and THAT feels like…

    and youre off to the riffs!



  420.  #420Emerson on May 18, 2012 at 9:21 pm

    I don’t know if I can Daria, it feels inauthentic. I don’t love those feelings. I don’t love them at all.
    When I say I love my chokey feeling
    THAT feels like
    lying



  421.  #421ReceivingGirl on May 18, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    He replied, Yes you got it. 🙂



  422.  #422Emerson on May 18, 2012 at 9:49 pm

    I’m feeling a lot of NVs coming at me right now
    Like “i’m not buying it, all this Rori talk that there still are good guys out there”
    “you will continue to be disappointed”
    “in my generation, men in their 30s and 40s are boy-men”
    “they don’t value family or committment”

    Wow these are powerful negative horrible statements



  423.  #423Lucy on May 18, 2012 at 9:57 pm

    There is a man suddenly pursuing me out of the blue.

    I feel uncomfortable with it, because I am not “over” you-know-who.

    (I know that’s not supposed to stop us, and i am trying not to let it, but it feels really really uncomfortable and sad.)

    Sad me. Sad sad sad. 🙁



  424.  #424Jessie1000 on May 18, 2012 at 10:03 pm

    im so exhausted from strategizing over what to say and do with men
    from now on i want to focus, shakily, on truth telling
    i feel gross or i feel like you are sexually aggressive
    or im bored of pof but i wish that my life was less boring
    It seems to work and the words have magic power with guys
    but after i wonder if presenting my true self was a good idea??
    why?
    why was I taught to mold and smile and stay in my room if i was depressed
    its like conditioning
    when i break the conditioning
    i feel all wierd and exposed
    but the guys like it more
    i want to do and say what i like from now on
    and i promise myself to make a real effort to be authentic
    even with the bad feelings
    like yuck you are a wierdo go away
    i like to be polite too much
    its boring
    politeness is sometimes for me hyper authentic
    i want to be loved unconditionally
    but i never show my true self
    its been a long road of fakeness
    and when the guys get to know the real me…they are often surprised cause they thought they were getting ms. strong
    ms strong is non existence
    shes a paid actor
    brought to you by the number 2 for 2 parents in pain
    and by the letter A…for abuse and neglect
    ouch
    i hate to admit that
    i hate to expose myself
    I want to see forward into a future of peace and authenticity
    i feel my sadness tonight but its not overwhelming as much as it was before
    i relive some events but i dont keep them to myself
    i feel sad for me but not sad for anyone else
    i think i nurture others because i want to keep busy and avoid my own thoughts and pain
    i want to sit still for a while
    and nurture me
    and love me
    and accept me
    with out putting all those other memories and lives and persons in another room in my head
    come out all of u
    come out of the ugly dusty rooms that i put you in
    come out and talk
    come out and visit the facade of me
    come out and get a hug
    dust off cause i need a whole person in charge of my life
    even if some of those memories were bad



  425.  #425Starla on May 18, 2012 at 10:04 pm

    Daria, I like your clothes! My family concerns themselves with how I dress, too. F*ck that:)



  426.  #426Radlove on May 18, 2012 at 10:05 pm

    Emerson,

    In effect, u r giving unconditional love to ur weak parts. Rather than rejecting that part of you. Rori explains it far better.



  427.  #427Emerson on May 18, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    Wow jessie I feel moved reading what you wrote…I can relate so much…



  428.  #428Emerson on May 18, 2012 at 10:13 pm

    (((Lucy)))



  429.  #429Starla on May 18, 2012 at 10:15 pm

    i had a great time with my girl tonight:) and i told her about my dating strike and she totally understood, which shocked me! She said “ohhh men are for you what alcohol is for me!” Yes! She so understood! I felt victorious being understood.

    Speaking of dating strike, I found myself thinking to myself tonight about how sweet and nice Alaska is, just gushing in my head about him. Ohh, alcohol. I had ONE drink and I’m such a lightweight:P.



  430.  #430Starla on May 18, 2012 at 10:21 pm

    Kenya wanted to meet us at the bar, but he didn’t text me in time cuz me and my girl were ready to leave there, and we were long gone and told him, but he went there anyway! And said he would bring a drink to my house if I didn’t want to come back out. I said no thanks. 1 drinks is enough for meee.



  431.  #431sunshine on May 18, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    Just signed up for EHarmony, as i anxiously saw the amazing matches on my email….I saw the pics and well….eh….I know its superficial but I feel weird and hopeless…I would feel forced even to myself if I was to pursue this first round of guys…I don’t know well lets see what tomorrow holds.



  432.  #432Euterpe on May 18, 2012 at 11:44 pm

    I am triggered by this article.



  433.  #433Euterpe on May 19, 2012 at 12:03 am

    Emoticon #60 I am sorry you are not getting the support you’d like from friends outside of the blog. I too am in the same position. And I am way over 22! I have had such a negative response that I no longer bring it up because the defenses have been so violent.
    I’m not trying to convince or entice. I’m just staying on my horse and no longer looking to them for any advice. I trust Rori. I believe she knows what she’s talking about. Besides the married ones have horrible relationships, the others don’t have real relationships, I can now see what their doing and they just seem to be on an endless treadmill and they blame the men!

    I feel lonely.

    I’m feeling stronger



  434.  #434Euterpe on May 19, 2012 at 12:06 am

    Daria #272 like!



  435.  #435Euterpe on May 19, 2012 at 12:09 am

    Luzydel #402 – Awesome, I support you 100%!



  436.  #436Starla on May 19, 2012 at 12:10 am

    (((((((((Euterpe)))))))))))))))



  437.  #437Euterpe on May 19, 2012 at 12:18 am

    Jessie 424 – I feel touched by what you wrote. <3



  438.  #438Euterpe on May 19, 2012 at 12:31 am

    Thanks Starla Hugs back ((((((((Starla)))))))).
    Oh I wish I had a girl to go out with.
    🙁
    I’ve been holding Rori’s words:

    …sometimes you’re with people and they just don’t feel good to you. There just isn’t the warmth and connection that puts you at ease. And then one person walks near you, and all of a sudden you feel this possibility for warmth. Go there! Part of this is in learning to feel other people’s energy and how it works with yours, and to notice how you may have been keeping yourself lonely by being around people you can’t FEEL connected to. Just keep doing the Feeling Messages – it will help you get more quickly what the possibilities are around you. Love, Rori



  439.  #439Euterpe on May 19, 2012 at 12:34 am

    Redo –

    I want a girl to go out with.

    I intend to have a girl to go out with.

    🙂



  440.  #440Euterpe on May 19, 2012 at 12:38 am

    And have fun and meet men!!!



  441.  #441Euterpe on May 19, 2012 at 12:41 am

    Welcome Holli,

    I am new too. So much to learn. Feeling grateful.



  442.  #442Euterpe on May 19, 2012 at 12:43 am

    Radlove, Congratulations on finding a great job. Soooo happy for you. 🙂



  443.  #443Sirenity on May 19, 2012 at 12:44 am

    Me too Euterpe (I was wondering if your name was an anagram but couldnt make it work ..)

    I am sitting home wishing a friend was close by.
    I am now intending to find a close by friend !



  444.  #444Sirenity on May 19, 2012 at 12:57 am

    Me too Euterpe (I was wondering if your name was an anagram but couldnt make it work ..)

    I am sitting home wishing a friend was close by.
    I am now intending to find a close by friend !

    Saturday, 19 May 2012 @ 12:44am



  445.  #445silver moonbeam on May 19, 2012 at 1:39 am

    I am on my way to windsor castle to see the troops muster for the queen hope I can handle the testosterone of 2500 troops lol 😉



  446.  #446ulii on May 19, 2012 at 3:30 am

    RE Emerson 356

    I loved your response to Radlove & the attitude you have men wanting sex. I feel the same way most of the time, although sometimes still get freaked out & feeling like a object. But actually this is small part of the time, usually I like men desiring me. And of course I can not know if it’s the only thing they want. And probably it is not. Even if they don’t know it themselves. 🙂



  447.  #447ulii on May 19, 2012 at 3:33 am

    RE 444 SMB
    Oh! I have been there too to see the guard change. Quite many years ago on a schooltrip. It was a great show!! Lot’s of fit men to look at. 🙂 Although, I remember they had hats that seemed a bit funny. 🙂



  448.  #448ulii on May 19, 2012 at 3:49 am

    I don’t have too good relationship with my mother. But what she does do quite often is complimenting me in how i dress. 🙂 I always feel good about that. I think I actually got the style from her. So I’m complimenting her also!. I like that part of our communication. 🙂



  449.  #449ulii on May 19, 2012 at 4:04 am

    RE 418

    ((((Emerson))))



  450.  #450Francesca on May 19, 2012 at 4:07 am

    I can’t believe I’m about to say this but I feel like it would be better if my man was gone already.

    He was so moody last night when we spoke.

    He didn’t even feel like seeing me when I told him I had two days off Monday and Tuesday.

    He said he’s too “bored” and anxious to go to work and nothing speaks to him.

    He sees everything in black these days.

    I told him that it felt bad hearing that and that would feel good if we could see each other since we have the chance to do so before he leaves.

    I mean, might as well take advantage of that, don’t you think?

    He ended up saying sorry for sounding so boring and that he would call me back if he felt better.

    I kind of feel sad about that because not only did I want to see him, I also wanted to practice my driving skills with him, after “explaining” in FMs how I need to practice, of course.

    I feel so ambivalent this morning.

    I wonder why I decided to do all that and yet feel like I’m never going to get my driving permit.

    I feel like he doesn’t really care yet I know these are only NVs playing with my head.

    Go away, NVs, I don’t need you hanging around right now.



  451.  #451Francesca on May 19, 2012 at 5:10 am

    On the other hand, why am I letting his mood play on mine?

    I’ve been feeling good lately, I don’t want anything to change that.

    It’s up to me, I can switch back to how I felt before.



  452.  #452sophie on May 19, 2012 at 5:17 am

    Don’t know what to do to help myself today – no motivation cos sleeping and eating is all unregulated – would love to be able to go back to sleep 🙁 met a guy from POF for coffee becuase I wondered if that would help distract me from thoughts of my ex but it just made me miss him more – it was very strange being with another man though he was kind and it was nice to meet him – I torture myself with thinking about how my ex can feel ok with another woman if I can’t with a man – the smell and everything was wrong 🙁 I don’t know why I’m trying to rush things, just because he has I think – I think if he can do it so can I (its been a month) but I can’t. We were fighting lots and I felt bad lots but I loved him and now I miss him like crazy and am tortured by the fact that he’s moved on. Think I’m just goingto stay in my bed and try and rest get some positive vibes from here 🙂



  453.  #453Femininewoman on May 19, 2012 at 5:17 am

    FrAncesca – You are THINKING he doesn’t care. The things you discussed seemed businesy to me. Maybe if you experiment with words that are poetic, flowy, passionate about your life it might inspire him out of his boredom into roamtic?



  454.  #454sophie on May 19, 2012 at 5:19 am

    well done Francesca – that second message felt like a quickly got light bulb moment – I am trying to feel the same with my situation with my ex boyfriend – take the focus off him and put it on me – why should I be in such misery beacuse of him – haven’t been able to find the soothing thing yet though ….



  455.  #455Femininewoman on May 19, 2012 at 5:20 am

    (((((((((((((Sophie))))))))))))))))



  456.  #456Femininewoman on May 19, 2012 at 5:26 am

    Francesca remember energy travel in the ether from him to you so you don’t have to own his. Choose your own state regardless of what is going on around you.



  457.  #457sophie on May 19, 2012 at 5:37 am

    FW – choose your own state regardless of what is going on around you – i like that 🙂



  458.  #458Francesca on May 19, 2012 at 5:54 am

    Thank you, FW, this is what I’m striving to do ever since I wrote that last post!

    His mood has no effect on me anymore.

    I undertand how he feels and I’m going to let him spend some time in his cave.

    As for talking flowy, I would feel awkward to do that but I can always try.



  459.  #459Francesca on May 19, 2012 at 5:56 am

    Thanks Sophie!



  460.  #460Francesca on May 19, 2012 at 5:58 am

    I want to feel my feelings, not his.

    And right now, my feelings are good.

    So keep it up, Francesca! 🙂



  461.  #461LiliBee on May 19, 2012 at 6:06 am

    I feel triggered, defensive and overwhelmed.

    I’ve been rushed running like crazy on adrenaline at work for 3 weeks now…and it’s killing my s3x drive.
    That’s the overwhelmed part.
    I’ve shared that with D, telling him I feel all speeded up, then when I feel relaxed, I drop asleep.

    I wanted us to go sleepover at my place last night, but he firmly said “No, let’s stay here. Aren’t we cozy here?”
    He never used to recognize what he wanted and stand up for it before.
    I like this new man.
    I feel attracted to a strong man, and I feel safe to know the real him by knowing what he wants.

    This morning he asked me what I wanted to do. I said I would feel good and relaxed for the rest of this long weekend if I would get my things done today.
    As I was leaving to get to my place to do my stuff, he said “Don’t loyter around too long at your place so you can enjoy this sunny day. You should do your stuff during the week.”
    I felt all defensive and standoffish and said “I run like crazy on adrenaline at work all day, so when I get home on the weeknight, I just want to crash.”
    I listed all the things I need to do, and said “I don’t feel good living all week in filth. I don’t want to be spending all day at my place, so I’ll do what I can to be efficient.”
    He was all smiley and waving at me as I backed out of his driveway.

    Then I realized : awwww, he just wants me to be around him all day and clean out his pool together…instead of each of us doing stuff seperately in each our places. Teamwork like we did all last weekend (taking care of my car for me).

    I feel so good to feel wanted.
    At the same time, I feel guilty for having been defensive and not having acknowledged it to him.

    A good FM would have been “I would feel so good to be with you doing stuff at your place. But I would feel even better getting my own stuff out of the way 1st. My mind would feel freeer, and I would feel more relaxed for the rest of the weekend with you. What do you think?”

    I won’t beat myself on the head, I can rather tap myself on the back for noticing.

    Meanwhile, my boy energy is being efficient: my laundry is churning in the washer while I’m here.

    My absence due to having my place to take care of…may just have him miss me and fuel his desire to have me live with him.

    So hurray for taking care of me and my place and doing what feels best to me 🙂



  462.  #462LiliBee on May 19, 2012 at 6:35 am

    I feel overwhelmed with everything I want to get done at my place today, while I also want to hurry to get to go spend some time with D.

    I do want to spend lots of time at his house to get the ‘feel’ of what it would be like living with him in a house.
    I feel pretty sure he’s wanting the same.

    So I’m going to go about tackling my ‘to do’ list by connecting to my feelings in this way: I can’t do it all, so I’ll prioritize by doing 1st what would make me feel best once it’s done.

    Hmmm, sitting here looking around, what makes me feel the worst?
    The paper clutter on my kitchen table including unopened mail and bills to pay.
    So my boy will have me clear that, then take a look at the bills and do my budget so I’ll have that ‘off my mind’ and it won’t be lingering in my head all weekend.
    Yeah, that would have me feeling at my best during the rest of the weekend.
    I’ll have time to finish before my 1st load of laundry is dried.
    Off I go.



  463.  #463LiliBee on May 19, 2012 at 6:43 am

    455:

    FW,

    Allthough your post wasn’t directed at me, it’s a helpful reminder to me all the same.

    I was feeling guilty and worried about D feeling abandoned at me taking off to do my own stuff.

    I feel better after reading this post of yours.

    When I get back to him, I can tell him how good I feel having taken care of me and my own stuff, how free it makes me feel…and how I feel happy I can be with him while I’m feeling that way. 🙂



  464.  #464sophie on May 19, 2012 at 6:43 am

    FW – am choosing to listen to a healthy audio download (abraham) and your comment helped trigger me into choosing this so thank you – although I want to do all the sireny things and emerge from my crysallis a butterfly at the click of a finger I have to work with what is and what is at the moment is I have no physical or emotional energy so if lying in bed is all I can do I’m not going to lie here and think about him woo hoo



  465.  #465Francesca on May 19, 2012 at 6:56 am

    (((Sophie)))

    So sorry you have to go thru all that.



  466.  #466lilybelly on May 19, 2012 at 6:58 am

    Jilly and Dominique, thank you for your support last night. I feel cared for! I curled up on the couch to watch a movie and fell asleep.

    Dominique, I sent you a message. Xoxo



  467.  #467Francesca on May 19, 2012 at 7:35 am

    I don’t really mind if my man doesn’t feel like seeing me next week after all.

    I got many things to do in my apartment (things I’ve been putting off) to keep myself busy.

    I want to go bike riding too since the weather is going to be nice (supposedly).

    And I feel kind of mischievious right now; my libido is finally picking up so he’ll be missing out on that if he doesn’t show up tomorrow night! ;P



  468.  #468Dominique on May 19, 2012 at 7:50 am

    Lilybelly – And I just sent you one back. xxoo



  469.  #469Femininewoman on May 19, 2012 at 7:52 am

    Dear ,

    Have you ever had that frustrating moment when a guy wants you to call him, but you don’t want to upset the natural order of the chase?

    Have you ever wavered on what to do, and been very tempted to call him first?

    Have you ever given in to temptation and then a few weeks later, watched as he got serious about someone else?

    This week I received a letter from Stephanie, who has an issue that many of us have faced during the dating game. Here’s what she had to say:

    Dear Alexandra,

    First of all, let me just say that I am having a GREAT time dating! I am meeting great new men every time I go out, and many of them lead to more than one date. I’m having the time of my life!

    However, there is one small problem. I am sticking to the “don’t call them” rule and making sure THEY are the ones chasing ME. But lately several of those men have asked me why I don’t call them. They say that the fact that I do NOT call makes it seem as though I’m not interested in them.

    I do explain that I am very old-fashioned and that I like to let the man take the lead. Unfortunately, most
    of them simply drift away and don’t call again. One man actually told me that he would give it one more shot, but if I didn’t start picking up the phone to ask HIM out on a date, he wasn’t going to call me anymore. Sure enough, I hesitated and he wound up dating someone else.

    Does there come a point where a man stops chasing and expects me to chase in return? Or does the chase always continue the same way – him calling me and making the first move – until we are in a relationship? I’m confused!

    Sincerely,
    Stephanie

    That is a very good question. There is an answer to this, but it’s not entirely straightforward.
    When you first meet a man, he should always be the one to do the chasing. NO exceptions. He should ask for your number, and once you agree to hand it over, he should be the one to call it.

    If you call HIM, it sends the wrong impression from the start. It makes him think that you are going to be the one doing the chasing. He might like that
    for a while, but soon he will start to feel the loss of the chase.

    Men NEED to chase. It’s in their very DNA. They need to be the one who is bringing home the win, so to speak.

    When a man first meets you and suggests that you call him, you are doing the right thing by explaining that you don’t work that way. By saying this, you are making it clear that HE has a responsibility.

    NEVER make the first move by calling him just to chat. That makes it seem as though you have nothing better to do than sit around and talk to him all day. That kind of thing turns a guy off. It makes him think that you really don’t have much going on. You want him to know that you DO have a lot of things going on, and if he wants to be with you, he
    will have to fit into your schedule – not the other way around!

    However, what happens when you have gone out on two or three dates with this guy? And you really, really like him?

    In that case, you can step a little bit out of the comfort zone and give him a call. However, make sure that call has a true purpose. For instance, you can call him to ask what time he is going to pick you up for the date.

    You could even call him up to ask what you should WEAR for the date. Maybe it’s a restaurant with a dress code – who knows?

    The point is that you can find an excuse to call him, but ONLY after two or three dates have gone by. And even then, the call should be short and sweet.
    And then let him start the chase again.

    What you are doing is two-fold. First, you are paying attention when he says he wants you to call him, and then you do – but only when the time is right.

    Secondly, you are making it clear that HE has to continue putting forth the effort. You might call him for a purpose, but if he wants to call to chat and get to know you better, that’s in HIS court.

    But what happens when you are dating for a while and you become exclusive?

    Then the rules can change. Though he should still be doing the majority of the calling, you are now free to give him a call when the mood strikes. That’s because you are already an established couple, and as you know, being in a relationship is VERY different than simply going on a few dates!

    This is a common problem for women who are casually dating. Much of it happens because men are so accustomed to the “easy” way out these days. They like to text and email. They like the immediacy of it.

    And yes, they are accustomed to women who are NOT old-fashioned. They are used to women who go after what they want in such a way that the chase ends before it begins.

    No wonder why men go through so MANY dates, huh?

    By falling into that trap of calling him first, you are nipping nature in the bud. You aren’t allowing the chase to happen.

    But by staying old-fashioned, you are setting yourself apart from the rest of the crowd. YOU are the girl he has to work to get. YOU are the woman he has to put some effort into.

    That does something very important.

    That makes you VALUABLE.

    A man wants a woman he has to WORK to get.

    So no matter how tempting it might be to just pick up the phone and give a guy a call, don’t do it. Find something to keep you busy until HE calls YOU.

    When he does call you, be enthusiastic. Show him how much you like hearing from him. Have a great conversation! He will want to call you again and again.

    And once those phone calls lead to dates, and those dates lead to being exclusive, and that leads to a serious relationship, you can both laugh about the time he wanted you to call – because you KNOW he loves your old-fashioned ways in such a modern and
    fast-paced world.

    Be the one that stands out! Be the one he has to work to get.

    Be the one he simply can’t forget

    Alexandra Fox



  470.  #470light heart on May 19, 2012 at 8:01 am

    I was listening to Rori’s interview with Kaye Porter who was talking about how our “running crazy on adrenaline” (lilibee) is all that masculine energy we manufacture when we need to be valuable in that way, to accomplish stuff.

    and, whereas men get that energy from testosterone, our masc energy comes from our adrenals, and it’s very easy to burn ourselves out and get sick. too much stress!

    So, I’m not going to be using masculine energy to frantically “row the relationship boat into shore” (rori) and continue to ask for help with everything else too.
    ’cause first and foremost, I am a be-er, (actually I’m a nice, spicy pinot noir;), not a do-er

    LH



  471.  #471Euterpe on May 19, 2012 at 8:05 am

    ((((((((sophie))))))))

    Serenity 🙂 Euterpe is one of the nine muses. She brings Joy, Pleasure, and Delight!



  472.  #472LiliBee on May 19, 2012 at 8:14 am

    469:

    I feel more grounded reading your post Light heart.
    Thank You for sharing.

    D usually helps me out, but I would rather have him doing what he’s doing now, which is starting up the swimming pool for the summer. Yey!!!

    I just put my last load of laundry to wash.
    I’m feeling rushed to get my stuff done to go be with him.
    I feel guilty and afraid that he’ll think I’m not interested if I don’t get back to him early enough.

    I’m coming back here to get myself grounded and relaxed to enjoy my Me time and taking care of myself.
    And it works! when I come here and immediately come accross posts like yours.

    I cleared the clutter that bothers me most, I did what would make me feel best.

    Now the next thing to make me feel best for the rest of the weekend is to shower and do my legs so I can wear shorts, dresses and skirts for this 1st hot sunny weekend 🙂



  473.  #473light heart on May 19, 2012 at 8:27 am

    I just love hearing from you, Lilibee! I feel happy that it’s going well between you and D!

    I’d say it’s probably natural to feel guilty and afraid, kinda shows you are thinking about him too. Where we start to go wrong is when we get into thinking we have to take too much care of their emotions.

    And, it’s not like you are doing a strategy or anything, you are just taking care of yourself.

    Receiving your nice comment to me feels great !

    Have fun with your beauty stuff, it’s on my list, too!

    LH



  474.  #474light heart on May 19, 2012 at 8:29 am

    470 Euterpe, the Muse

    Oh, the meaning of your name is absolutely delightful! 🙂

    I like the gravatar you have too!

    LH



  475.  #475Ella on May 19, 2012 at 8:39 am

    I feel so emotional right now and I have no idea why.

    I seem to be on a rollercoaster of emotions right now and don’t know where I am at one minute to the next…

    I feel liked I am being knocked around by a succession of waves.

    And I am wanting to control it all, and of course I can’t. And so I am swinging wildy between trying to control and over functioning with stuff to catching myself and then wanting to explain my over functioning.

    But really I suppose it is not that bad.

    I just had big, waily cry… it all jus poured out.

    I’m sort of swaying between feeling really independant, together and sorted, to feeling totally dependant in my relationship and falling apart all over the place like a child.

    But I can still love myself.

    I want to ‘cling’ on to MWC during this tempestous feeling time… but I know that is not the answer either.

    I think it probably all has to do with my big fear of intimacy.

    And I seem to want to fill this space with noise… because it feels so weird and quiet when there is just space.

    But sometimes it feels peaceful.

    And as soon as I feel uncomfortable with that space, I want to ‘plan’ stuff, and ‘do’ stuff and ‘talk’ about stuff… and it feels all urgent and important…