How Ryan Eliason (My Personal Coach) Can Help Your LIFE In His New FREE Webinar Series

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ryan_eliasonThis post has nothing to do with love – unless you believe, as I do, that what you do for a living, and how you view the world and choose to live in it is really all about love…

My own personal coach since I began my journey as Rori Raye (over 10 years ago) is Ryan Eliason – he’s seen me through every business move I’ve made, and most of my personal issues, too.

And now, he’s the only business coach with audio, video, written and live business trainings I recommend for entrepreneurs – especially if you’re just beginning and don’t know how to start.

I send all my new Certified coaches to Ryan, and he contributed a program to my Rori Raye Relationship Coach Training for all my RRRCT students out of the goodness of his heart.

He’s been doing so many things to empower people to become successful at all entrepreneur-based businesses (and other kinds of careers, too) – and he combines your empowerment with making a difference on the planet.

Here’s what he’s offering for free right now (with free bonuses, too): An exceptional, free business training webinar series beginning February 11th – over 10 hours of material!

Ryan says:

“There’s a powerful movement sweeping the globe…where new business leaders are committed to creating an environmentally sustainable, socially just, spiritually fulfilled world where everyone wins.

There’s real hope, and it’s coming from the rapidly growing field of social entrepreneurship, which embraces a triple bottom line – people, planet, and profit.

You can play an important role in the great transformation that is taking place at this critical turning point in human history.

If you’ve figured out how to change just one person’s life, then you can change the world… because the world is simply a collection of individuals.

However, you can’t manifest your full potential in service to the greater good without making a good living. After all, if you’re struggling financially, your work to serve others won’t be sustainable.

The good news is that you don’t have to struggle to be part of that movement.

You don’t have to choose between making a living and making a difference.

You can do way more than survive, you can thrive!”

From Rori: Ryan’s made a 20-year career out of showing changemakers how thrive. And with nearly 50,000 people from over 60 countries participating in his programs, he’s one of the world’s leading coaches and trainers for socially conscious entrepreneurs.

His newest (totally complimentary) training series starts on February 11th. I highly recommend checking it out. You can sign up here:

RSVP Here (in less than 30-seconds)

Here’s more information and testimonials (official promotional material) so you’ll know what this free teleseminar series is about, and how you can use it personally and business-wise, whatever field you’re in:

Why have Ryan’s programs attracted so many people?

Because he overdelivers like crazy! Ryan gives more in his complimentary programs than most people give in their paid programs. (From Rori  again: I can attest to that. Ryan’s been the only person I’ve trusted with both my personal and business life for the last 10+ years.)

But don’t just take my word for it, look at what previous participants have said…

“I am ecstatic! Wow! This was the best webinar I have EVER participated in. You are doing something that is desperately needed, and with great energy, love, authenticity, transparency and integrity. Your message is so refreshing, and so are the mission, content, and values. I am grateful.” – JD Messinger

“Your webinars were refreshingly straightforward and profound. You helped me clearly see how to reach and serve a much wider audience than I had previously even imagined.” – Marina Ormes

“Your complimentary series was far and away the most helpful and value packed business building webinar I’ve experienced anywhere.” – Lucy Loscocco

Here’s what this complimentary training series covers…

In this free training, Ryan will show you what it really takes to build a successful business rooted in profound service. He’s done it several times over himself, and has helped hundreds of clients to create flourishing triple bottom line businesses as well.

His unique global webinar series will inspire and empower you to think bigger, strategize better, and make the contribution you’re capable of making.

You’ll be part of so much more than an online training. You’ll be joining a global movement of nearly 50,000 changemakers from 60 countries!

You’ll also learn from 10 real life examples and case studies.

You’ll get the latest thinking on conscious marketing, client attraction, and generating a mindset for success.

You’ll learn time management secrets that will dramatically increase your focus and productivity.

And it will cost you… absolutely nothing.

Why? Because Ryan is committed to reaching as many people as he can, and doesn’t want money to be a barrier for anyone.

PLUS: Ryan has a couple of exciting free gifts…

To make sure you get the most out of his training, Ryan’s offering additional gifts for everyone who registers:

First, his new book is coming out on February 5th…

The 10 Best Ways To Get Paid for Changing The World
How To Make A Lucrative Career Out of Profound Service

Register for the training and you’ll get a copy of the book (at no charge) as soon as it’s ready on February 5th.

Then there’s his Client Attraction and Enrollment Mind Map which will help you at-a-glance to rethink and reprioritize your business building strategy so you focus on the right things while letting go of the time wasters.

Reserve your place in this no-cost training and get your free gifts here:

The 2014 Visionary Entrepreneur Training

It will take you just 30 seconds to register and it might just change your life.

Here’s to building a better world together!

P.S. You might be wondering if YOU are a social entrepreneur, and “What is a social entrepreneur anyway?”

If you want to build a business that serves the greater good, then yes, you’re a social entrepreneur. Welcome to this global movement!

Here are some of the types of clients who have built their businesses with Ryan’s help:

life coaches… business coaches… counselors and therapists… authors… professional speakers… naturopaths… acupuncturists… massage therapists… yoga teachers… seminar leaders… non-profit directors… business consultants… summer camp directors… activists… spiritual teachers… social entrepreneurs… stay-at-home moms and dads with businesses… financial planners… web developers… graphic designers… landscape designers… painters… tree maintenance experts… network marketers… photographers… media and PR consultants… executive recruiters… real estate agents… mortgage brokers… midwives… nurses… childcare providers… parenting teachers… event planners… manufacturing and distribution business owners… musicians… artists… dancers and dance instructors… software consultants… sales consultants… videographers… attorneys… professional chefs… jewelry makes… dog walkers…and more…

Grab Your Spot Now

Note from Rori: I love Ryan and his work, his ethic, what he’s working to accomplish – and he’s a great great friend. I want to spread his work around as much as I can....

Love, Rori



  1.  #1BeLoved on February 5, 2014 at 7:59 am

    I signed up for this!
    I feel like I can be of service just by being ME even if I am a cashier at a grocery store – maybe even more so because I enjoy the flow of people so much and when I was doing that, so many people would light up and smile and leave the store feeling good. I just want it to be more profitable!

    A post over at Baggage Reclaim had me thinking of a friend. I’ve probably told this store before, and it bears repeating because thinking about it makes me feel more open and happy and feeling laughter bubble up through channels from my belly to my heart 🙂

    My friend A – several years ago her ex broke up with her, and within a few weeks was in a new relationship (with a new woman – nothing shady going on previously) with The Right Woman for him. They got married pretty quickly, had babies, and 6 years later are still going strong.

    She kicked herself for a year, crying and wondering, “why her and not me?”, then hooked up with a Mr. Unavailable who treated her like crap. She spent a couple of years trying to be the exception, trying to change him, telling him all about himself, all of the typical stuff until they broke up.

    So, for two more years, she cried and complained and ruminated and obsessed – why couldn’t he love MEEEE??? Why did he love his ex more than me, especially when she treated him so shitty?? Why her and not me??

    On and on until one weekend, during a visit I snapped and told her, it’s been 2 years, I don’t want to hear about it anymore. You are better off, he was a shit who didn’t even like you much, I know you are in pain and this is hurting me to hear it over and over and I can’t listen anymore.

    She felt hurt – AND – that very weekend, she went to a fair and a super cute, fun guy started following her around everywhere for the whole weekend.
    That was nearly 5 years ago, and they are still together and engaged.
    She is an artist and a performer, a very unusual and unique person, and this guy is so perfect for her it is crazy. They perform and create and design together.

    Oh, and did I mention they met while she was on vacation?
    HE MOVED 2500 MILES across the country to be with her!!!

    No convincing, explaining, whatever.
    They met in the spring, she told him she was going to Burning Man in the fall and he FOUND A WAY TO GO. If you know anything about BM, you know it is expensive, difficult to get tickets, difficult to pack and get ready for (for some people it’s a year-round job).

    Later he told her, “I decided I better find a way to go because if I don’t I am going to lose her!”

    They are living a life most people only dream of!

    So – sometimes it’s her and not you, because the Right One for you is coming down the chute. It can happen, I’ve seen it with my own eyes 🙂 None of her exes were really suited for her, none of them were that into her, none of them fit that special vibe that was all her and he found her while she was off living her life, enjoying herself, being herself, and having a good time.


    What this story reflects to me, is how silly it is to feel unhappy and to feel as if I can’t be happy if my ex is happy with another woman, treating her better than me.

    Because, if I look at the picture of my friend and her sweetie, and her ex and his wife, I can visualize how everyone can be happy, getting what they want, being in love, how there’s enough to go around and how moving on and letting go can feel so free and open doors.

    Which feels expansive, I feel my heart relax and soften. I feel a little release of “oh!” and more laughter from my heart.

    The “Right One” is so much more amazing than all of the ones before.

    Clinging to the “one that got away” only tied up my heart and mind so that I couldn’t see what was in front of me, and set me up for a lot more pain.

    I couldn’t move on, though, until I really let myself feel the pain of heartbreak. It’s a sweet, ecstatic agony to tap into the feelings and the heart’s yearnings.

    Yet with the pain comes wisdom and strength, and in this moment I love and bless it all.

    Thank you thank you thank you.
    yes yes yes!
    yum yum yum

  2.  #2Femininewoman on February 5, 2014 at 8:09 am


  3.  #3BeLoved on February 5, 2014 at 8:12 am

    I’m like Rori in that letting didn’t consistently work for me – instead of ‘letting go’ of my needs and desires, I let myself feel them fully and deeply, sank into them, let myself feel consumed by them while showering myself with soft words and compassion.

    Practicing this gives me feelings of strength and capability, that I can handle what life dishes out, makes me feel more connected to and in love with myself.

    How to Move On When You’re Hurt and You’re Waiting for Closure

    ‘m with Rori

    “I wanted him to account for his behavior; I wanted an apology; I wanted him to explain to me how he could have behaved in such a despicable manner toward anyone, much less me, his girlfriend (at the time).

    Unsurprisingly, I didn’t get any of that.

    I was rocked by this for quite some time. It took me months to realize that the reason I wasn’t getting over it was because I was still waiting for him to explain, apologize, or something. I realized that if I wanted to let it go, I was also going to have to let go of my desire for him to admit he was a mega jerk.

    We want to feel in the right. We want it to be recognized that we were done wrong. If possible, we want an admission of guilt.

    However, in looking for this type of closure, we are often giving away our power. We’re saying, “I cannot move past this experience until…”

    What we actually desire is an internal, emotional shift. We want to feel better!

    We already know we can’t expect the outside world to take care of our feelings. Let’s apply that knowledge to resolution as well.

    Here’s how I got over the thieving boyfriend situation, and it’s a formula I continue to remind myself of whenever I begin to feel like I can’t move past an experience until satisfaction is mine.

    Acknowledge that something crappy happened.

    Yes, it totally sucks when a formerly good friend stops returning our calls and texts. And, it can be life-altering when we are let go from a job, despite receiving positive feedback on our performance review.

    It’s important not to pretend. Sometimes we rush past the feelings that are present in an attempt to appear uncaring (unhurt, really), or like we have it handled. Getting back on the horse is great and all, but let’s first acknowledge that it hurt when we were knocked off!

    Having feelings doesn’t make us less able to handle tough stuff, or to come up with great solutions. It just means we’re human.

    Identify all the feelings you do have.

    If the situation is minor, it may be one or two feelings. For more intense events, it can take a while to pinpoint all of them.

    This is essential, because identification and recognition go hand-in-hand. In doing this, we’re accepting that we are feeling these emotions. This sort of self-acknowledgment is crucial.

    By the way, we’re the only ones who get to decide what is major, or minor, for us. We’re all unique, and we’ve all had different experiences that have helped mold who we are. Something that is minor for one may be major for another, and vice versa. That’s okay.

    The point is not to compare the experience we are having to how others would react; it’s to self-process and move forward.

    Release the need for outside mediation of any sort.”

  4.  #4Femininewoman on February 5, 2014 at 8:16 am

    Beloved thanks for sharing

  5.  #5BeLoved on February 5, 2014 at 8:20 am

    I also discovered that – even when he did validate my feelings, it gave me no satisfaction whatsoever because he was still who he was, still not giving me the relationship I wanted.

    Telling him what I thought and how I felt and having him agree with me and let me be right, but still not really loving me, felt like trying to get traction on a vertical wall of slippery ice.

    There was nothing to connect with, no traction. Which was exactly what he was going for, he told me several times over the years what he wanted was to be “bulletproof”.
    Kevlar all the way.

    Remembering how desperately I tried to claw my way into his heart makes me laugh and smile, now.

  6.  #6T.Bradley on February 5, 2014 at 8:22 am

    I agree with Femininewoman, VERY INTERESTING!!!!

  7.  #7T.Bradley on February 5, 2014 at 8:27 am

    I absolutely love youe previous post!!!! All of them are very inspiring thus far! Just what I needed!

  8.  #8Lisa on February 5, 2014 at 11:25 am

    @BeLoved “The “Right One” is so much more amazing than all of the ones before.”

    So right on!!!

    I’m so excited about this concept… b/c the last one was pretty good, I can only imagine it getting better, and better… until he arrives…

    so important not to settle….

    Thanks for this post..

  9.  #9Femininewoman on February 5, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    Really great article Dominique

    “I feel concern around what I see as misconceptions – the idea that your man should be making you his priority. I feel concern over the fairy tale romance notions that a man should move mountains to get to you, swim oceans to see you, put most everything else aside for you. That you should be his all, and there is mostly nothing else in his life.

    Yes, I’m exaggerating to make a point here, yet maybe not so much. I see this over and over again in women, a holding onto a fantasy, which is a form of expectations – lovely visions of a white knight in shining armor warding off evil forces for her while he sweeps her off her feet. And I often see an unwillingness (sometimes it’s fierce) to let this go. She loses the ability to see life, love, and her man and her relationship in terms of the real world.”

  10.  #10Femininewoman on February 5, 2014 at 12:39 pm

  11.  #11Cris on February 5, 2014 at 2:57 pm


  12.  #12Shannon on February 5, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    Definitely signed up for this. I write amazing stories (and I’m humble, too!), and I’d like to be able to do that, not have to go out there and “get a REAL job” (according to others). That would be my dream life!

  13.  #13Lisa on February 5, 2014 at 4:51 pm

    My journey inward today was: I feel that it is important to know the difference between settling and expecting too much, just speaking for myself…

    Just from my own journey to “the one” which I’m of the mind that there is more than “one”… for us..that knowing yourself and knowing what is showing up is old patterns you’ve worked on getting rid of and don’t want waste energy on going there anymore and which is maybe nit picking him and expecting too much as in pushing a good man away…

    For me I know I’m not expecting too much from them nor nit picking, but that is b/c I know me… and someone else might feel different about that and they don’t know me as well as I know me… I have to listen to me…

    When a man shows up for me, that is #1 important thing on Rori’s list to fall in love with is his availability and readiness to commit, #2 he loves children and can and will accept that I have one still at home… #3 isn’t addictive ( big time deal breaker for me) I’ve attracted addictive men since long ago, not going there again… whether it is abuse, food, sex, alcohol or drugs etc….. nope! not even negotiable… #4 isn’t repulsive to me….

    I’ve dated men that I didn’t find attractive matter of fact, most all of them for 23 yrs.. I’ve never gone after my type… I’ve always been receptive to all men ( unless they grossed me out) ( even dirt poor men)… so there is a big difference between not attractive to me at the moment, but there is potential and it repulses me…

    I’m very very clear on that… I’ve even dated men that I’ve basically had nothing much in common with at all.. “S” as a matter of fact…and I gave him a shot even though he really didn’t like kids… so I think I was more than open on that man… I left the possibility that he might grow into it…and it fell apart on it’s own…very clear that is a good thing….

    I’ve given each man that comes towards me a chance…and it’s never ever been about him being my type, him not being attractive… it’s always been is he into me, and can the attraction grow, can I grow to love this man b/c he is into me…is this man able to grow with me…and what red flags am I overlooking….and if so how big are the red flags…

    I think it is important to know one’s self enough to make a good judgement… for yourself… and listen to the knowing… first and foremost before anyone else’s opinion…. I know that on this blog many times I’ve heard over and over you’ll just Know! I know that Elsie even said that… I feel that speaks volumes…for me anyways… I’m going to trust that…

    Just speaking my thoughts for today..


  14.  #14LoveAlways on February 5, 2014 at 6:36 pm

    I signed up! Let’s give it a whirl!

  15.  #15Leigha Baker on February 5, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I’m loving reading your posts.

    Beloved – I loved your process in #1. I loved how you expressed feeling expansive, soft and relaxed in your heart thinking about there being enough love for everyone – beautiful!!

    Lisa – I can totally relate staying open to all men and not having it necessarily serve you. After circular dating and practicing Rori’s Tools, we can’t help but to begin to trust ourselves like never before. 🙂 You’ll know…

    For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Leigha Baker, one of Rori’s new certified coaches. Although I’m definitely not new to Siren Island – it has been a few years since I’ve posted regularly (I do recognize some familiar names!!).

    I met the love of my life exactly two years ago from yesterday. We’re now happily married with a baby girl – thanks to Rori’s Tools and Method! 🙂

    Although I don’t have as much time as I use to – to keep up with the blog and comment, I want to support you in any way I can – Even if its just sharing what’s possible. 🙂

    Much Love,

  16.  #16Rori Raye on February 5, 2014 at 8:13 pm

    Leigha! So happy to have you here! Everyone – Leigha is a FANTASTIC coach, fantastically trained…her clients love her, and, Leigha, I hope you’ll hang around here a lot and share everything you know, feel, think…it will help us all. Love, Rori

  17.  #17Leigha Baker on February 5, 2014 at 9:38 pm

    Hi Rori! Thank you so much!! That feels so good to hear! 🙂

  18.  #18Mandy on February 5, 2014 at 9:38 pm

    Rori, Dominique, Sirens – oh boy…

    My man, J, is spending his Xmas money to go out of town to meet and say goodbye to his ex-girlfriend Amy, who is getting out of an abusive relationship and moving across the country, and he says he’ll never see her again so he has to. He says is a friend now, and I believe him, it’s just…my parents are paying our rent for our apartment, and I’m so financially stressed because he’s not working and everything we get comes from my Disability Pay…and he’s using the money he has to go see his ex and say bye? I understand he misses her and doesn’t have a lot of friends but the thing is, Valentine’s Day is right before that and he’s not spending ANY of the money on me, or my financial stresses…just on the trip to see his ex (or friend as he says) and say bye to her. I feel weird, anxious, angry and chaotic inside…and I don’t know what to do.

    Can I have some guidance?

  19.  #19Turquoise on February 5, 2014 at 9:59 pm

    Hi sirens…. Well, didn’t see this coming. Friday night sweetheart was telling me how much he loved me… Didn’t see him over the weekend, he’s been a little distant. He texts me at midnight to tell me why… All him, not me… He’s gay. Wtf. HOW did I miss that? Why do people lie??? He wS talking marriage, we were planning a vacation, and now he tellse he’s seeing someone and hopes we can be friends. I honestly give up!!!!

  20.  #20Leigha Baker on February 5, 2014 at 10:23 pm

    Hi Mandy – I’m not familiar with your entire situation with J, but from what you’ve just written – I would feel all of the same feelings you’re feeling right now. This would definitely not be ok with me either.

    He does have a right to spend his money the way he wants, and a man is going to do what he wants to do.

    Have you expressed your financial concerns and how you feel? Does he have a plan to financially contribute? How long are you willing to stay with him (let him stay with you) if he isn’t contributing and stepping up?

    Here’s what I tell my clients in situations like this.
    1. Express how you feel.
    2. Observe his actions – if his energy isn’t moving towards you at all – I want you out of there. The longer you stay – the more it affects your self-esteem.
    3. Circular Date your buns off.

    Although this sounds like it’s about spending money to go see “a friend” – there’s so much more going on here.

  21.  #21Mandy on February 5, 2014 at 10:48 pm

    Hi Leigha and thank you for your concern I really appreciate it.

    I want to let him do what he wants because I have no control over what he does. He is definitely going to do what he wants to do…I agree wholeheartedly. I intend to let that be and happen as a Siren. But do I have to go with him on the trip to see her? He will feel less bad about it if I do but I kinda just wanna stay home.

    I have expressed my financial stress to him many times. Thing is, he hasn’t had the best health in the last year and is unable to hold a job because he has a chronic vomiting problem (which happens at least three to six times a month, and he’s bed ridden for an entire 24 hrs when it happens, so even if he had a job, they’d fire him for too many sick days.)

    The plan is to get him into the doc since we just got him on insurance and then see if he can work after that; in the meantime, he and I have teamed up on Graphic Design freelance work.

    I know he feels horrible about not contributing, it shows up in our sex life and in his depression. If we can get him healthy and treated things will improve…

    My feelings that suck lie in the fact he has a bit of money and he’s using it to see his ex (sorry, “friend”) instead of on me who needs his help and would like to have something from him for V-day. I just feel like she’s more important to him than I am because he’s spending all the money he has on seeing her, but I feel like a total bitch saying that to him.

    I’m willing to stay with him until he gets better and then see if he steps up to getting a job. If he’s doesn’t, it’s going to be a deal breaker I believe.

    Should I express to him about how I feel like number two girl here, a bit neglected and left out? Dominique told me not to tell him he’s doing everything wrong…he doesn’t respond well to that. I imagine telling him I love him and it would mean the world to me if he could make as big an effort to make me feel as special as his ex….i.e., feeling like his number one….it might help, however I’ve already used that script with him twice and I’m not sure it got huge results.

  22.  #22Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 3:46 am

    I feel sad to hear about your shocking news Turquoise.

    Perhaps he is bisexual rather that gay.

    I believe some men are just so good at hiding this.

    Were there no signs at all looking back?

    It would make more sense the marriage thing if he was bisexual.


  23.  #23Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 3:53 am

    I feel curious about what your thoughts are to there is so much more going on here in Mandys situation Leigha.

    That sounds distressing to hear Mandy as you are living together.

  24.  #24Sirenity on February 6, 2014 at 3:55 am

    Turquoise..oh wow..what can I say? Your inner voice KNEW something was wrong many months ago.
    Thats a curve-ball!! I always thought you cared about him because he was the opposite of your ex..and kind of feminine energy. Well ..its ok

    You are still fabulous and its kind os a compliment he chose you to bounce all this off.

    I found a great man too , but he has a family crisis just now and I feel him drifting away. I guess nothing is as it seems and we need to stay in the fluidity of life.

    Love to you.

  25.  #25Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 4:17 am

    Lisa. I believe we are all on a journey back to oneness to feel whole and one again the real us. Rather than feeling like we want another person to fill us up and complete us.

    And when we do this we don’t want to settle for just anyone rather than be alone or someone who is wrong for us.We only want somone who is also at that place and back to oneness. And the right one for us One plus one equals two.
    The best match for us..To me this is a true inner soul match when we get to and choose each other from that place.

  26.  #26Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 4:21 am

    I believe CD ing and following the tools helps us on the journey back to oneness if we kep moving away from what feels bad and we don’t want and is harmful to our souls.

  27.  #27Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 4:51 am

    Mandy, anxiety is the key feeling I believe.

    You may find this helpful.

  28.  #28T.Bradley on February 6, 2014 at 5:19 am

    Great point!!!

  29.  #29T.Bradley on February 6, 2014 at 5:47 am

    O WOW!!!!! Did you see any signs????

  30.  #30T.Bradley on February 6, 2014 at 5:49 am

    Leigha Baker,
    Can I send you a private email?

  31.  #31Shannon on February 6, 2014 at 5:49 am

    Turquois, I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so sad and defeated.

  32.  #32CurvySiren10 on February 6, 2014 at 6:11 am

    Whoa Turquoise…I didn’t see that coming either. Looking back, does anything ‘add up’ now? It sounds like sweetheart is/was a very confused person and he’s right…none of this has anything to do with you. Just proof that life is often so unpredictable and seemingly bizarre/unfair, but our primary responsibility is to take care of ourselves and weather these events as best we can. Live and learn…and all that jazz. Lots of hugs!!

  33.  #33Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 6:11 am

    I’m glad you found out before you got exclusive and maybe married him Turquiose.

    You sound like you dodged a bullet.

  34.  #34Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 6:11 am

    He’s not your man.

  35.  #35Indigo on February 6, 2014 at 6:33 am


    I wonder if you feel any relief. As if it is the missing puzzle piece, or the answer to the riddles.

    And yet, how unexpected that must feel.


  36.  #36Indigo on February 6, 2014 at 6:34 am


    I think if it were me, I would deliver a bit of a power speech! We can help you script if you like.

  37.  #37Femininewoman on February 6, 2014 at 8:03 am

    Turquoise I have watched you on that journey and as Sirenity says it was squirrely. Your inner knowing kept nudging you and bravo to you you kept exclusivity at bay because your gut kept talking to you. You might not feel it yet but the way I see it you knew there was something just that you couldn’t really pin down what it was. Your intuition was on target. Go back and read all your posts and you will see it for yourself. Even if he was confused how you have been with him showed him that you were intune with yourself and that your intuition was right on. Men who are with women who allow their intuition to lead them know that kind of woman has power and it is my belief that they do not play games with such a woman who honors herself. Really sink back and reflect and you will see that you did take care of yourself consistently and this is why this truth has come out. Kudos to you.

  38.  #38Dominique on February 6, 2014 at 8:06 am

    Lisa – 13 – 🙂

    Please keep in mind that though there usually is a calm, peaceful knowing when it’s the right man, there can still be worry and doubt, i.e. gremlins or nvs talking at you. This was my experience, so I held onto the knowing piece as best as I could and keeping close the knowledge that the rest was lies.


  39.  #39Dominique on February 6, 2014 at 8:09 am

    Mandy – 18 – Isn’t this another red or at least pink flag among all the others?

    You can’t control him in this or anything else. You can tell him it makes you feel uneasy/uncomfortable/bad/some other adjective which feels right to you.

    And leave it at that. He will do what he does, yet you’ve expressed how this feels to you.


  40.  #40Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 8:37 am

    I personally don’t believe stating a feeling is enough without the loving action that we need to do to take care of ourselves.

    So if I feel thirsty, I don’t just say that and expect someone else to get me a drink or ignore my own needs. I go and take care of myself and get a drink.

    If I am bored again I don’t just state that and expect someone else to cure it, I go and find something intersting and fun to do.

    If I felt anxious like in Mandys case I would need to sit in a quiet place block out all ditractactions and find the root cause of that anxiety. I believe in mandys case it woudld be that it would be because my mans actions if he was doing that was showing me that he cared more about spending money on going to see an ex. Then spending that money on the woman he was with now which was me. That would hurt my heart I then personally would feel repelled and like I didn’t want him.
    This causes all sorts of difficulties then for a woman who is sharing her life and home with a man who is doing that.
    That’s not easy to get out of and causes all sorts of self esteem problems etc.
    So to take loving care of my anxiety and how I was harming myself if it was me I would be having to make a plan on how to get him out of my house and life so I felt calm and at peace again.

    Iike when you took loving care of yourself when J hurt you Dominque and got away from him. To me this is similar just on a different scale.

  41.  #41Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 8:38 am

    Apologies Domonique. I mean’t Mercedes.

  42.  #42Dominique on February 6, 2014 at 8:53 am

    Syreena –

    Yes taking care of your own needs, loving yourself and loving yourself enough to take the best care of you possible is very important.

    And it starts with not allowing bad feelings to fester inside, i.e. expressing how you feel.

    In Mandy’s case there is no action beyond this she can do to directly affect change in her man’s behavior. She can only change her own, and this could take on many different forms, for example completely taking her focus off of what he is or isn’t doing and filling herself up in ways which make her feel good or at least better.

    Or she could throw the man out, yet I don’t see her as wanting to go here, at least not right now.

    Throwing a fit or making demands or anything else which could be felt as antagonistic will not likely change anything let alone make her feel better which is what this is all about – finding a better feeling place.

    The more she is able to express her truth cleanly and without blaming or making wrong, the more clarity will she gain on her situation and her life thus giving her a good basis on which to make better feeling choices for herself.

    I apologize Mandy, for talking about you without you being here.


  43.  #43Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 9:30 am

    Mandy I also don’t see you wanting him to leave at this moment in time. Are you really happy for him to do this and still have you making his meals, sharing his bed etc etc. Can he do this and still have you? That is my question? He can choose to do what he likes every action comes with a consequence though, that’s how the world works. So will his consequence if he chooses to spend his money on that be that you still share his bed, make him meals etc etc and give him your time and attention. Or will it be that you don’t want a man who chooses to treat you like that? So on valentines day you treat yourself well, get dolled up to the nines and take yourself our somewhere really nice and spoil yourself rotten and leave him to it?

    Personally I think it’s a load of rubish about not making him wrong. Of course it’s wrong to be spending money on going to spend time with an ex lover if you are in a committed relationship and living with a new lover. Rather than spending that money on the woman you are now with. They are an ex. To me he would be heading towards having another ex personally.

    I don’t buy into nothing people do is ever wrong personally.
    One of my purposes on the planet is to teach my children right from wrong.
    Of course it’s wrong for a man who is living with a women to do that.

    So it feels best to agree to disagree that he isn’t in the wrong if he chooses to take that action and go and spend ‘his’ money doing that. Isn’t it joint money when you live with a man? Unless they are a lodger or room mate?

    What are the circumstances of the living together? Living together as a committed couple?
    Room mates?

  44.  #44Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 9:36 am

    You are correct Dominique he can choose to do what he likes just like we all do and there are consequences for all our choices.

  45.  #45Kath on February 6, 2014 at 9:40 am

    Hi Sirens,

    Some of you will know the difficulties I have had in trying not to over function and to take on board and indeed practice Rori’s tools. I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently and have been really miserable because my partner and I can’t seem to communicate or even understand each other about often the simplest things. It is really frustrating and upsetting and then we’ve argued, threatened to split up, suffered cold silences and indifference, which is even more of a killer for me!-And yet last week I went to a training course through my work on Autism and Aspergers and had lightbulb moments!- I was stunned by what I learned and what I heard and even heard things that my partner has said to me!- OMG-I spoke to the tutor and was in tears as I told her a few examples of the things we’d been through-she said it sounded as though there was an issue there and that I should read more and then come back and talk to her. It looks as though my partner has undiagnosed Aspergers-which I know is a huge claim to make-but it all makes sense now!- everything that has happened between us just makes sense. When I got home I told my partner that I’d been on the course and that it was really interesting and I now realised that we wold never see things the same way but I needed to learn more. I asked him is he had always found communicating difficult and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “yes, always”. So, Sirens what would you have me do now?- leave him because he’s not what I thought he was?- carry on riding my horse and CD until I find another guy?-or love him, help him and know that I have met a really good guy who just needs a lot of patience and support. I have the strength to look out for him and look after me, my God I’ve been doing it all my life. I’ve protected myself from people who claimed to love me and have my own interests in their mind, but they still hurt me and mentally, physically and emotionally abused me. I can’t be soft, receptive, it feels feeble. I am strong, independent, feisty, intelligent. I really love who I am, my experiences have made me who I am just as his have made him. So we’re starting on the road to seeing if we can do this through fresh eyes.

  46.  #46LoveAlways on February 6, 2014 at 9:58 am


    He lied to you. There was nothing for you to miss or see any signs really because you were deceived. Feel the feelings that come up from being deceived and explore them. It is a mess of feelings, but please don’t give up 😀 To me, deception feels like not safe. So he is not safe to be around or involved with.

    You will make adjustments, boundaries and rules as a result of this experience, but maybe consider it more in terms of his choosing to pursue “someone else” rather than focusing on his (hidden) sexual preference. While you probably would not want to keep him your CD rotation, perhaps view him more of being 100% incapable of meeting any of your needs.

  47.  #47LoveAlways on February 6, 2014 at 10:05 am

    FW #36

    “Men who are with women who allow their intuition to lead them know that kind of woman has power and it is my belief that they do not play games with such a woman who honors herself. Really sink back and reflect and you will see that you did take care of yourself consistently and this is why this truth has come out. Kudos to you.”

    This statement is so eloquent!!

  48.  #48Liquid Light on February 6, 2014 at 10:06 am

    Yes Syreena I agree. Based on this story, if I were in a situation like that, I would treat him as a roommate, nothing more. I wouldn’t go out of my way for him one bit, and yes, to taking myself out for v-day, looking fabulous/sexy/hot and treating myself!

  49.  #49Rori Raye on February 6, 2014 at 10:37 am

    Mandy – I had to answer this…This is me – and if a man who was struggling financially and emotionally with me, and used $5 and an hour of his time to see another woman (who wasn’t a therapist) – I’d end it instantly. If this is his impulse and his example of his decision-making…I’d just remove myself. REALLY – there are SO many men out there – why choose one where it’s SO difficult!!!??? It doesn’t have to be that way. Love, Rori

  50.  #50Femininewoman on February 6, 2014 at 10:54 am


    I really feel you in that last sentence. I might be a tough road to travel but only you can wear your shoes and choose the path you want to travel down. I believe I would not want to be abandoned if I were wearing his shoes or if I had any other illness.

  51.  #51Dominique on February 6, 2014 at 11:08 am

    Syreena – 43 – It’s not for anyone really to judge what is right and what is wrong. Another person’s choice may not feel good, but to that person, he/she are doing what they think is the right thing to do, and their view is just as valid as yours.

    To make someone wrong will likely only get that person to dig in his/her heels even more. Expressing your feelings cleanly and clearly on the other hand may or may not give you a result you would prefer, yet you will feel better having released the pent up feelings.

    And in this case it might very well be that Mandy leaves him or throws him out. And this may or may not be what he wants.

    She has choices, and so does he. Neither one are right or wrong. They are making choices which feel best to each of them in the moment.


  52.  #52Dominique on February 6, 2014 at 11:10 am

    Kath – 45 – I think this is wonderful what you’ve discovered. Knowledge can change everything. Only you can decide to stay with this man or not. Listen to your deep heart. What is she saying?


  53.  #53Femininewoman on February 6, 2014 at 11:11 am

    RE Turquoise story I have reservations about the “he lied” statement. I have had a gay guy tell me that he was gonna marry me. He said it quite emphatically in the moment he said it the first time and I do believe he meant it in that moment because of how he was feeling. I chalk it up to how I was being at the time and keep going back to the experiences I was having with him at the time when he made that declaration. For me they are lessons about what possibly work with men to be repeated with other men. The difference for me was that I was not invested in any way shape or form. I knew there was no way under the sun that I would be marrying him. So for me I was just letting him talk. And I do feel that at that moment inside his gut he felt that he wanted to marry and so he blurted it out. He said it again over time but I just listened without responding in any way because it was not what I want.

    I don’t know what else this guy might have said to Turquoise that might be considered a lie but one thing I believe is that Turquoise is obviously having great success in her life as a siren to be able to inspire this guy enough to feel the need to say he wanted to marry her. That is the reason Turquoise I would encourage you not to give up. This is proof positive that you have what it takes to inspire the right man to step up. Sweetheart couldn’t and that is why his truth came out. You don’t want to give up now that you have turned the corner because Mr. Right could very well be around the next one.

  54.  #54Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 11:27 am

    Aspergers is not an illness.

    Everyone one of us can tick of behavioral ticks on the diagnostical tick list for Aspergers. It is diagnosed from a checklist. Which is now being changed so he wouldn’t get that diagnosis anyway even if he ticked enough of the boxes.

    Also to get a TRUE diagnosis from a reputable clinician and expert it is more to do with certain milesstones that have not been reached.

    The whole picture has to be taken into account. So just because a man does x y or z or doesn’t and that is classed as something Autistic people do or people with Aspergers do that isn’t true. It’s more complicated than that.

    To get an accurate diagnosis, so many ticks of of each of the triads would be needed in more than one environment. Alongside with a detailed and extensive history of childhood developmental milestones and indicators. Plus if he is coping and it is not affecting his life in a severe enough way to be thought that a diagnosis will be of meaningful real help and services he will not get a diagnosis and the services which still will not really be much real life use to you or him in helping with your communication.

    The best thing to help you and him are to do what you have been doing and to see if where he is re level of empathy if that is what he wants to do.

    There are test by Simon Baron-Cohen if he wants to see where he falls and things he can do to improve that if he wants to. The desire needs to come from him though.

  55.  #55Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 11:28 am


  56.  #56Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 11:36 am

    Feels best to agree to disagree with you dominque re right and wrong.

    Society is unworkable without those judgments.
    Without those judgments we would have more rapists and murderers and people who break the law of our society on the streets.
    So people and society make majority and democratic judgments every day.

    To me it feels unrealistic and fantasy to not ever make judgments.

    Understand that other people will not agree or share my view though.

  57.  #57Leigha Baker on February 6, 2014 at 11:40 am

    Hi Syreena 🙂 To follow up with your question…

    When I hear or see a woman talk about her man who isn’t working, in my experience it’s a Caution Sign. This means proceed with care. (I talk about more of these Caution Signs in my ebook, they’re similar to Red Flags but not as noticeable.)

    I experienced this with the man who actually brought me to Rori’s site 5 years ago.

    When a man isn’t working to provide or towards something (and he’s a masculine energy man) his whole demeanor changes. He’s not himself.

    I also experienced it with the firefighters I worked with (I was a wild land firefighter for 6 years). If we were “sitting” around waiting to be called out on a fire and it had been a few days – the men would become irritable, cranky and not their normal cheerful selves.

    Two days before my husband and I found out we were expecting – the company he worked for went bankrupt. Although he’s very emotionally healthy, it was still very hard on him and was actively looking for work right away.

    Hopefully this is helpful and relevant to anyone else going through something like this.

  58.  #58Leigha Baker on February 6, 2014 at 11:44 am

    T. Bradley – I received your email.

  59.  #59Liquid Light on February 6, 2014 at 11:45 am

    Yes I agree, it feels silly and naive to live up to a standard that we should never feel judgmental. I know that I’m human and that for me its part of being human. I wish I was more evolved than that but I’m not.

    Saying that being judgmental is wrong feels like a should to me. I should be this way, I shouldn’t be that way. Yuck.

  60.  #60Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 11:52 am

    Just because another persons view is valid to them it doesn’t mean that what they did wasn’t wrong and harmful to another person.

    Someone for instant might believe that they are not wrong or doing any harm if they drive after drinking an access amount of alchohol and their reasons for doing it is valid.
    There view may well be valid to them, however they are using faulty logic which invalidates their reasoning in our society and then gets them a consequence if they do that is the real world and help in facilitating in them reaching a higher level of reasoning and logic.

    Banned from driving and a course to help develop and facilitate them in their understand and reasoning in why it’s wrong to .rink and drive.

  61.  #61Femininewoman on February 6, 2014 at 11:54 am

  62.  #62Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 11:54 am

    Sadly some peoples reasoning and frontal lobe development doesn’t ever occur.
    Also some people never reach higher level empathy.

    It is what it is.

  63.  #63Leigha Baker on February 6, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    (((Turquoise))) I’m not sure if you remember something similar happening to me (meaning something happening with a CD that completely left me speechless and threw me for a loop)…AND the next man I dated ended up being my husband.

    So please do not give up hope!!

  64.  #64Liquid Light on February 6, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    Thanks for sharing that, Leigha 63, that is very inspiring!!! 🙂

  65.  #65Kyla on February 6, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    I miss what I had with R so much today. I miss the feelings of loving ang being loved and support and being seen and understood. The easy quiet we had. Of skipping to work with silly pop songs in my head and coming home in the evening to hugs, dinner, laughter and tenderness. I feel sick in my stomach that we couldn’t make it work. I feel tormented, I had the deepest love and yet it wasn’t enough. He wasn’t whole and it was all a fantasy. He wants to come back, he’s working on a plan to come back and oh my how I wish I could believe it will all work out beautifully and perfectly. I feel so far away and sad.

  66.  #66Kyla on February 6, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    And this is why I feel off kilter with Drwho. He’s the whole entire package and it feels like it did with R, easy loving deep connection except he’s not available to me either.. he’s far away and sporadic.. it feels like beautiful staccato when what I want is an oveture.. And right now I’m alone and away.. With R its miles and with DrWho its time.. I feel lost

  67.  #67Dominique on February 6, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    Femininewoman – 🙂

    Love to you.


  68.  #68Lisa on February 6, 2014 at 12:59 pm

    @Dominique #38 oh yes there are going to be things that come up…when one of the “right” ones show up… I agree – I didn’t mean to communicate that it would be all peachy and crystal clear… and yes, I think holding on to the knowing is helpful… and yet the same goes with the other way around the knowing he isn’t the one and yet, finding ways to continue to be with him even though …..

    @Syreena Thanks so much! It does feel like I’m whole and that I won’t go back into that space of needing to fill a hole… and yes! 1 + 1=2

    at some point though in my journey something just clicked and it isn’t even an option for me to accept that old toxic stuff anymore… it’s like not even in my options of saying yes to it… I don’t even think that if I wanted to settle – I could even make myself do it… if that makes any sense…


  69.  #69Liquid Light on February 6, 2014 at 1:00 pm


  70.  #70Mandy on February 6, 2014 at 1:33 pm

    Rori, Syreena, & Sirens –

    Thank you so much for your guidance. I apologize I wasn’t able to get back sooner. My heart is pounding in my chest, but I realize there’s something I should be doing here. I obviously need to state my boundaries.

    I will fill you in later…


  71.  #71Turquoise on February 6, 2014 at 1:37 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I 1000% feel lied to, used and deceived. I don’t know that you should have to ask someone you’ve been dating on and off for over a year, but I took it as implied that he was straight, and he told me his wife was the only person he ever slept with. I feel like, and from what he said, seems true… that he so wanted a new relationship to be right, that he stuffed his feelings down all these years. I believe he wanted normal so badly…. that he over compensated and that is why he told me he loved me so often, talked about rings, a wedding, we had a vacation planned with our kids for June…. he never said anything that made me think he was gay. Looking back…. he had his nipple and ears pierced, he loves classic piano music and candles and crochet’s…. nothing earth shattering. He was very emasculated in his marriage and I met his wife, she’s really a strong personality, so the more feminine side of him, I saw came from that. He blamed his sexual issues on his medications (he takes 19 pills a day) and my concerns regarding him, were if I would be settling for him. His health, being on disability… a less than stellar sex life, I felt 60, not 40. I really had no idea he was keeping a secret like this. We talked all the time, he told me a lot of serious stuff about his health, marriage, kids, and he has depression. He’s on medication though, and was a pretty pleasant person. I knew something was up this past week… but he’s got so much going on, I figured it was just trying to deal with everything. All of which… kept me at a distance. I didn’t want to get wrapped up in all his problems. I saw things improving and getting better all the time. It was good. I thought. He’s been out with one man two times…. I think it’s a friend he mentioned. I’m not sure I’d tell everyone I was gay before something physical happened, but I’m not in that situation, and maybe he always knew. I even knew him when we were kids though, I never would have guessed. I wish he had told me this at least a few weeks ago though. We did sleep together, and now I just feel dirty.

    SO what do you do when your boyfriend tells you he’s gay? You put your dating profile back up, keep it brief and add one awesome photo. What happens next? You hear from over a dozen handsome men and start talking/flirting and moving on. I have a dinner date tomorrow night with a very very cute 33 year old who lives 5 min. away. I’ve cried all day…. I can’t keep on like this. I need the distraction.

  72.  #72Liquid Light on February 6, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    Wow, Turquoise, you are being so brave and strong under very challenging circumstances! I am so impressed with your courage! One day in the not far off distant future, you will look back on this and thank your lucky stars that this happened because you will find a wonderful man that is much more deserving and is a great fit for you!


  73.  #73Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 2:19 pm

    Oh Gosh Turquoise Big Hugs.

    I feel so sad hearing about what happened to you.

    To me that was wrong that he slept with you when he knew this. That was knowingly causing severe harm to himself and others.

    Why on earth would you want a man like that as a friend after treating you like that? He did not care about the damage he knowingly caused you on every level.

  74.  #74Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    Thank you for sharing that Leigha. Re men and not working

  75.  #75prplpsn28 on February 6, 2014 at 2:52 pm


  76.  #76Leigha Baker on February 6, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    Liquid Light @ 64 You’re welcome! 🙂

    Syreena @74 You’re welcome – and I’m by no means saying we need to be more understanding or sympathetic (since that can actually keep us stuck) … it’s something to be aware of.

  77.  #77LoveAlways on February 6, 2014 at 4:07 pm

    So as I descended down the stairs I saw the tall stature of a man waiting for me. I could not read his eyes, but I clearly had his attention. It was like a movie – our first meet! We had our business meeting, I managed a light balanced between feminine energy and handling my business lol. 15 minutes in, I realized this was time to practice my tools!!! Enjoy the attention, flex my siren skills. He flirted lightly, I smiled sweetly. He got all of his non-business inquiries answered (sometimes I wanted to offer the info but held back and realized to let him ask, if he wanted to know – he wanted to know!). He handed me one business card and left three laying around,lol (found them when he left). I handed him one – he was sure to put it away safely. Our business was concluded, he stayed a bit longer, delaying his next appointment. Told me to contact him any time, if even just to say hello. I told him I certainly would, and followed up with a business reason why I was glad to have made the contact and to have someone to reach out to ask questions to. He took it a step further to explain how it was a good network between us. He smiled widely. What a lovely smile, and what dancing eyes. We have no business reason to meet again. I should have no problem following through with the rest of the deal (his instructions were thorough), thus I probably won’t need to contact him for help. I probably won’t call him. But I won’t be surprised one bit if he calls and invites me out. 😀

  78.  #78Helena Hart on February 6, 2014 at 4:08 pm

    Lisa – 68 – I love how you put this: “at some point though in my journey something just clicked and it isn’t even an option for me to accept that old toxic stuff anymore… it’s like not even in my options of saying yes to it…”

    Yay! That’s amazing!! 🙂

    Love, Helena

  79.  #79Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 4:12 pm


    Re the statements you make 51. The statement below just feels odd and contradicts itself to me by it’s very nature. Making no logical sense to me.

    ” It’s not for anyone really to judge what is right or what is wrong.

    The nature of that sentence is denies reality and what is. As people in reality do judge what is right or wrong.
    Also the statement infers that you are judging people who judge right and wrong as wrong to do that and that they shouldn’t. So that sentence implies by it’s nature and context that you are judging those who judge.

    Re other peoples views being equally as valid.
    This again feels odd to me and does not make any logical sense.
    As I get that they may think it is equally valid and it is equally valid to them in their eyes.
    In reality though not all views hold equal value as the validity would be dependent on their level and ability of reasoning.
    Not all reasoning ability is equal therefore not all views are equally valid.

    Some people have low level reasoning ability
    Some people have faulty, distorted or skewed reasoning.
    Some people have mental health problems that impair their reasoning.

  80.  #80Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    * itself not is

  81.  #81Shannon on February 6, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    Personally, I think that you all are being a little unfair to Dominique.

    What I read her as saying is that it’s not anyone else’s place to tell Mandy what’s right for HER relationship or to judge HER relationship.

    Some people are polyamorous. Some people are polygamous. Some people are heterosexual. Some people are asexual. Some people are homosexual.

    Some people don’t mind their mates talking to ex husbands, ex wives, ex girl/boyfriends.

    To tell Mandy that her relationships is in some way WRONG is a judgment call that isn’t ours to make. If she doesn’t feel good about what he’s doing, but maybe he does it and she doesn’t immediately leave him like others seem to imply is mandatory… that’s us judging her for something that belongs only to her and her partner.

    I don’t believe that Dominique was saying that we mustn’t judge it immoral if a person commits murder or judge it immoral if a person steals.

    It felt like a more individual and personal “don’t judge another person’s choices within her relationship.”

    Maybe it would feel better all around to see what this fellow is doing as a trigger, “Gosh, Mandy, I would feel very angry if my partner did that!” might be more supportive within the framework here than is, “That’s WRONG and he’s BAD!” (which while wasn’t directly said, seemed overwhelmingly implied).

    Perhaps even if he does that, she still loves him and desires to work things out with him. Perhaps she may find it within her relationship to be workable to accept his desire to visit is his ex. If so, then it’s their business.

    Emotional support consists of validating her feelings, not of demonizing what’s going on in her relationship. This may FEEL as clearly defined to some as murder… but maybe to her, since she loves him, it won’t FEEL that clearly defined as wrong and evil. In which case, I hope we’ll still be able to validate her feelings and not demand that she should leave because “his actions are CLEARLY UNFORGIVABLE [to me]”.

  82.  #82Helena Hart on February 6, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    Kyla – 65 & 66 – I know exactly how it feels to miss someone like that and feel grief over something that was only a fantasy. Hang in there!! You deserve the absolute BEST – the “whole package” that includes someone who’s completely available to you.

    Love, Helena

  83.  #83LoveAlways on February 6, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    Turquoise 71

    Maybe he didn’t explore or embrace it until recently. What do you think?

  84.  #84Liquid Light on February 6, 2014 at 4:29 pm

    Wow LoveAlways 77, that sounds thrilling and hot and fun, OMG!! 🙂

  85.  #85Kyla on February 6, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    Syreena for me judgments are just opinions, opinions are personal, right and wrong is subjective, there is more than one side to every story, there is always more than one truth, there are many shades of grey .. we can see examples of society debating “right” and “wrong” in any area for as far back in history as we can go..

    If we decide someone is wrong we’ve chosen to take a stance, a defence, we avoid feeling and taking responsibility for our feelings and focus on blame rather than resolution. Its not productive, it doesn’t allow understanding, communication, relating, negotiating and healing of the feelings that triggered all this blame.

    Just my take on the thing. The blame game feels like an icky feeling time wasting trap to me.

  86.  #86Kyla on February 6, 2014 at 4:55 pm

    Thanks Liquid Light and Helena. I feel so supported here xx

  87.  #87Kyla on February 6, 2014 at 5:00 pm



  88.  #88Turquoise on February 6, 2014 at 5:03 pm

    Love Always… He’s saying he hasn’t slept with him. I’m not sure if he explored more. I really don’t want to know details. Enough happened for him to tell me he’s gay. I’m very very hurt.

    Syreena, I don’t want to be friends…. At least not now. I miss him already, or at least who I thought he was. But life will go on and this isn’t the worst thing I’ve been through. Sigh….. Hard day. My head is pounding.

  89.  #89Shannon on February 6, 2014 at 5:15 pm

    Turquoise, I definitely would not want to be friends with him, either, personally. I would feel way too betrayed to be friends. It would feel to me like he wanted to still have me, without the necessity of giving me intimate love that I would feel I’d been promised.

    If it doesn’t feel good to be friends with him, please tell him so. And if you can’t manage it in feeling messages, I think that would be perfectly okay. It’s not like he’s someone you might have a future relationship chance with… he’s gay, after all.

  90.  #90Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 5:15 pm

    Kyla so what would you do with all the people who break societies laws of you don’t consider them wrong?

    Allow them to do what they like because in their opinion they were right?

    Not really sure how society would be workable myself if some standard judgments of what was wrong were not made to protect us.

    What would you do with all the people who are judged as wrong and as criminals?

    What would you do instead, say oh they are not wrong and let them do what they like with no actions or consequences?

    I feel curious to hear what you would do instead?
    And how in your eyes our world would work when people chose to murder rape, damage e property etc.
    Are they not wrong to do this then because in their eyes they are right?

    Not sure myself how those things are not wrong personally.
    I feel happy with my judgments that those things are wrong and their are some people that are best locked up.

  91.  #91Mandy on February 6, 2014 at 5:25 pm

    I talked with J. He said again the situation would be nothing different than him going to see a male friend leaving, and say goodbye. He also said the main reason was to go see his brother who we’d be staying with and the bonus would be him being able to say goodbye to his ex.

    Basically when I told him I felt like I’m standing alone financially he brought up how I spent money on my hair and nails and didn’t realize we were financially stressed. My parents are paying our rent. How could he not know?

    I talked to my psychiatrist about it and he said it was BS for him to even bring it up to see his ex.

    So…Yes, I’d like to make a power speech and I’d like help. About my boundaries…no flirting with other women behind my back, no seeing exe’s privately…

    I’d love that help…

  92.  #92Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 5:49 pm

    Male friends are not ex lovers are they?

    Your psychiatrist is right it’s BS!

    Spending your money on hair and nails is taking care of you.
    Just like him spending money on his hair or shaving foam etc.

    Spending money on going to see an ex lover is a false analogy to spending money on self care. Like Rori said if he was spending that money on self care to see a therapist then that’s different.
    Or the care of your present lover who you live with and who you are in a committed interdependent relationship with.

    Do you want to be in a committed interdependent relationship with a man who doesn’t work and wants to meet and spend money and time talking to and saying goodbye to an already ex lover?

    Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to have ‘friendships’ with their ex lovers?

    Only you can decide and choose what you want.
    You cannot make him do what you want.
    He then decides if he wants to and is able to be in a relationship with you and give you what you want,

  93.  #93Dominique on February 6, 2014 at 5:49 pm

    Turquoise – I’m so sorry. As painful as this must feel, he gave you a lot. And what he gave you, you can carry with you always.

    Sending you love.


  94.  #94Kyla on February 6, 2014 at 6:49 pm

    I guess if law enforcement or policy making was my passion then I would go into policing, politics or activism although I do not see what that has to do with judgments? I do not see how my judging that man and that woman as bad people is changing the world and making it better. That doesn’t seem rationale to me, to sit and point fingers at others doesn’t help anything except make me feel superior maybe?? more likely make me feel bad and powerless while I sit and observe the badness going on out there.
    Hmmm I prefer to focus on positive change through education, psychology and peacemaking personally. I am a mediator, by career and since birth, I’ve learned judgement is completely useless if the goal is resolution, healing and the chance of change. I work within the legal system. Judgement is prejudice, grounds for a mistrial. Even a judge has to keep an open mind and listen to all sides of the story and consider the context and laws prior to handing down a judgement.
    Again, what one person calls wrong someone else firmly believes is their right. My judgement is strictly my opinion.. it belongs to me and it says more about me than about the person I’m judging. Your contrasting opinion is just as true and right and valid as mine or anyone else’s.. My good and bad feelings are far more important to me that my personal notions of other people’s moral conduct. Conflict resolution, truth seeking, trust building do not arise from judgement, in my own experience.
    Oh and saying you don’t believe its good to make wrong or judge does not automatically make you judgmental of people who do make wrong or judge.. its simply a preference and way of being..
    I’m experiencing something similar with Archer today. Its fascinating to me the way we respond to triggers, its so easy to jump to conclusions about someone and attack and assign blame. We don’t see that its OUR trigger. Its not so easy to observe that the feelings are coming from inside you and are about you and only you.
    Oooh I feel all passionate and excited and silly and intrigued by all this. I’m getting off my little soap box now, phew that felt good.

  95.  #95Mandy on February 6, 2014 at 7:01 pm

    Well J decided to drop it and forget about it – he won’t be seeing her, and he says he sees the reason why.

    I feel like there’s still something to be fixed here though.

  96.  #96Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 7:38 pm

    Kyla, thank you for sharing your opinions, judgments and feelings Kyla.

  97.  #97Femininewoman on February 6, 2014 at 7:45 pm

    Mandy – So…Yes, I’d like to make a power speech and I’d like help. About my boundaries…no flirting with other women behind my back, no seeing exe’s privately…

    I am not sure this would be power speech or boundary establishment. Sounds like focused on his behavior and laying down the law. Remember your boundaries are about you. For instance if you can’t remain emotionally and sexually open to him if he is openly flirting with other women is what you might wish to share with him. Also how will you know if he is doing it behind your back?

  98.  #98Femininewoman on February 6, 2014 at 7:51 pm

    RE 93 Some really interesting comments Kyla. Seems like this keeps coming up every now and again. Can I invite you back to “feelings” and away from the heady discussions? It is my opinion that feelings based communication will help you build the skills you came to the blog to focus on. Please also don’t take this as a judgement, it is just that I don’t think getting into this gonna to get you anywhere but feeling drained.

  99.  #99Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 7:54 pm

    It feels odd and Bizarre to me that someone would want change something that another person had done and feel the need to educate someone through psychology and mediation who wasn’t doing anything wrong.

    Why would they need to be educated through psychology and mediation and why would someone have any desire to educate and change what another person was doing in if it wasn’t considered wrong.. What would they need educating about and what and why would they need to change anything that they had done if what they had done wasn’t a problem as it wasn’t wrong what they did after all?

    Just doesn’t add up to me.

  100.  #100Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 8:06 pm

    I feel happy to have a mixture of judgments, feelings, opinions and beliefs that are all in synch with each other and to express them all. That makes me feel like a whole person

    I would feel like part of a person and inauthentic to only have and express feelings as without my judgments thoughts and beliefs I would have no feelings to express.

  101.  #101Femininewoman on February 6, 2014 at 8:09 pm


    It would have been worse to walk in your marital bedroom and see your husband there with another man. I have a girlfriend who experienced that. I encourage you my dear, try to find a way to let of the righteous indignation which is quite normal and find a way to thank God (or whoever/whatever you subscribe to) that you have someone watching over you. Maybe your mom.

  102.  #102Leigha Baker on February 6, 2014 at 8:15 pm

    Mandy – that was easy!!! 🙂 Way to go!!

    I’m sure you already did this but…just incase…(before doing any “power speeches”) make sure to express how happy and relieved you feel. Even gush. (This is a PERFECT time to practice this!) I’m sure you’re feeling a lot of emotions right now.

    There are so many words you can use to express your feelings about this…I’ll just throw in an example because I love doing this. 🙂

    You: I feel so happy and relieved! I feel all soft, warm and melty knowing I don’t have to worry about this anymore. Thank you baby. 🙂 (Or something like that.)

    Him: Speechless, looking at you like the Goddess you are!

  103.  #103Femininewoman on February 6, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    Wow Leigha I feel speechless reading that suggestion.

  104.  #104Leigha Baker on February 6, 2014 at 8:20 pm

    Feminine Woman …tell me more. In a bad way?

  105.  #105Femininewoman on February 6, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    In a good way. And how different a way than most others on the blog, maybe aside from Dominique had suggested. It will be really interesting to see how this plays out for Mandy. I will definitely stashing your suggestion away in my heart for future reference.

  106.  #106Leigha Baker on February 6, 2014 at 8:34 pm

    Awww…thank you Feminine Woman!! You just melted my heart!!! 🙂 xoxo

  107.  #107Kyla on February 6, 2014 at 8:37 pm

    Thank you FW 🙂

    I feel appreciative of your awareness and gentle reminder.

    Night sirens.

  108.  #108Syreena on February 6, 2014 at 8:45 pm

    I feel happy to hear that he is now choosing not to go Mandy.

    Wishing you all the best in continuing to move forward towards having the relationship you want.

  109.  #109Millie on February 6, 2014 at 10:04 pm


    I’m really curious….why do you want to be in this relationship with him?

    To me…it looks like you are outpouring a lot of energy and he isn’t outputting any towards you. Ok, so he’s not going…but he wanted to! That would be enough for me to want to restructure the relationship, meaning if I was not married to him, I don’t think you said you were…then he’s on his own financially. I know that sounds cruel because he’s sick, and on disability, and can’t work…I understand all that, but I believe that if you make it easy and comfortable for someone to live without any effort on their part, they will learn that they don’t have to do anything! I’m worried he’s mooching….at least if I were in your shoes, I’d be worried about that. I’d feel worried I was giving so much in exchange for him even thinking he was going to spend money on another woman! That just goes to show that his money is play money. Is he spending that money on bills? Is he spending it on rent? No. because he doesn’t have to….then he has the nerve to point out where you spend your money? That’s your money….you can do whatever you want with it, including NOT spend it supporting him.I feel really triggered by your story….so I apologize for sounding harsh. I know telling him how you feel is important…and waiting to see what he does is important….and waiting to see if he gets better is important…and letting him do what he wants to do is important…but what about you?! What are you missing out on with all this waiting???

  110.  #110Millie on February 6, 2014 at 10:18 pm

    Wow….I feel kind of angry after writing that last post. I wonder why……hmmm

    Leigha’s suggestion to Mandy also triggered me…my initial reaction was a bit of disgust…imagining myself succumbing to a man I don’t respect. But I do see the power in her reply and how vibe changing that could be for their dynamic….

    Clearly I have some of my own triggers to work through here…

  111.  #111Amber on February 6, 2014 at 10:35 pm

    hello, Sirens! Much love to you all!
    Shout out to Cupcake, where are you, sweetie? I miss you!
    Quick update. After my wonderful, non-exclusivity speech with (T) I decided to lean WAAAYYY back. I’m now involved with an appeals process for my mom’s non-profit organization. Last night I went for drinks with a friend and flirted with the wonderful guitar player at the bar. If he hadn’t confessed he’s completely smitten with his girlfriend, I might have done more than flirt 😉 He made me feel great, called me beautiful, etc. I was open and receptive, yay me. So, I’ve been totally taking my mind off of (T). He called earlier this evening but I’ve made not talking with him on the phone while I’m working one of my boundaries so he went to voicemail, left a message hoping to hear from me soon. If not he said he would contact me later this weekend.
    While I was typing this, he text me. Hhhmmm, the urge to text him back immediately is so strong, I think I’ll practice leaning back a little longer. I am, after all, very busy with work. So busy that I’ll be getting about eight hours of overtime this week. I have so little time for men who can’t commit… yawn.
    I feel POWERFUL!

  112.  #112Amber on February 6, 2014 at 10:43 pm

    and another text from (T)
    my, I wonder if he’s worried that I’ve decided infidelity is a dealbreaker. I almost feel bad not answering… but my boundaries! 😛

  113.  #113Helena Hart on February 6, 2014 at 11:01 pm

    Amber – That’s awesome!!! I’m glad leaning back is making you feel more powerful! 🙂

    Love, Helena

  114.  #114Amber on February 6, 2014 at 11:03 pm

    and now he’s mad. last text said, “I think I get it, nevermind.”
    I’m done with work now, and called him but OOHHHH (sarcastic) his phone is off. too bad for him! I left a genuinely warm, feeling message (I do love him, after all) saying how wonderful it felt to hear his voice on my VM, and if he called me back later, that would be awesome (oops, should’ve said FEEL awesome, darn it) just as if I hadn’t gotten that last text. We will see what develops. In the meantime, I have four hours of sleep coming before I have to get up for work tomorrow. Goodnight, Sirens!

  115.  #115Helena Hart on February 6, 2014 at 11:09 pm

    Amber – 110 – I also like the idea of not answering his calls while you’re working (and in your masculine energy), that does good things for your vibe! MUCH better than feeling frantic like you need to answer the phone every time he calls. Your own time is your own time – I love it!

    Love, Helena

  116.  #116Amber on February 6, 2014 at 11:10 pm

    Thanks, Helena-112
    and if a few missed texts and a missed call are enough to cause him to drift away, well then, he didn’t love me nearly as much as he professed, did he? I feel calm and powerful. My stranger is seething beneath my skin and I love how she makes me feel. I honestly think ‘the stranger’ exercise was the most profound meditation I’ve ever done. Loving her has changed my life! I love you, Amelia. Together, we are conquering our fear of abandonment and aloneness.

  117.  #117Indigo on February 6, 2014 at 11:16 pm


    Wow, I so resonate with what you wrote about what you had with R, and how you miss it.

    I also love what you wrote in #93.

  118.  #118Amber on February 6, 2014 at 11:16 pm

    Helena -114
    Yes! That’s exactly it! I have to ‘switch’ from masculine (I work in a machine shop doing manual labor, doesn’t get much more masculine than that) to feminine on a dime if I answer, and I just can’t do it! I find myself explaining, convincing and LEANING FORWARD way to much if I answer at work. In addition, if I successfully switch to feminine, I find myself unmotivated to continue working after the call. All I want then is to be with him, soft and feminine and receiving. NOT productive work energy. This is a very PRACTICAL boundary, I think, in addition to being emotionally healthy with my rubber-band man. Shoulder pat to me for recognizing a very NECESSARY boundary!

  119.  #119Indigo on February 6, 2014 at 11:17 pm

    Feminine Woman 97,

    Yes 🙂 Something I think many of us who have been here a while have learned.

  120.  #120Indigo on February 6, 2014 at 11:22 pm


    I too feel so admiring of the suggestion you made to Mandy.

    It is so without ego, and I think would be SO effective.

    Really like it. 🙂

  121.  #121Helena Hart on February 6, 2014 at 11:24 pm

    Amber – Exactly!!! You want to be in a place where you’re completely in your feminine energy when you talk to him on the phone – and he’ll definitely be able to feel the difference!

    I love that “the stranger” worked so well for you too!! It’s such an amazing, powerful tool.

    Love, Helena

  122.  #122Leigha Baker on February 6, 2014 at 11:59 pm

    Indigo @ 119 -Thank you! I love hearing that. 🙂

  123.  #123Leigha Baker on February 7, 2014 at 12:07 am

    Millie @109

    I can completely understand your initial trigger. I’ve been there.

    This method can feel totally counter intuitive. And the stronger we feel on the inside – knowing what we will and will not tolerate – the easier it is to be soft, warm and melty on the outside. 🙂

  124.  #124Mandy on February 7, 2014 at 12:26 am

    , and Millie 108 –

    91 – Syreena,

    Interesting, thank you. As for the earlier comment, 91, The reason why he’s not going, is because I told him I didn’t want be in a committed interdependent relationship with a man who doesn’t work and wants to meet and spend money and time talking to and saying goodbye to an already ex lover. I told him he’d be sleeping on the couch and cut off of any supplies and basically a roommate if he did. Rori was adamant about that.

    Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to have ‘friendships’ with their ex lovers?
    I have been dealing with severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Attacks and Tourette’s Sydrome since the age of fourteen, in fact I went to my psychiatrist to get my meds tweaked today. My bf and I basically live in a cubby (studio apartment) and that has a LOT to to with my anxiety.

    J is not the type of person to cheat. I’m SO happy I never have to worry about that. Only things I worry about sometimes are things that might not be so respectful towards my feelings or how he might have a lot of nerve having anything to say about my finances, since it’s my money and I’m helping him out with it while he’s sick and can’t work.

    I will say this as well…Dominique helped me adapt the philosophy of no judgement with him and it brought our sex life back because he doesn’t feel like I think he’s broken or an idiot.

    96 – Femininewoman,

    I think that’s a great idea. I have caught him flirting before and I told him it was a dealbreaker for me.

    Millie – 108,

    I hear you, I hear you so well…I need his help. The reason why it is worth it to me is because he treats me very well, he never yells, calls names, or acts a fool, and is the sweetest man I’ve ever known…he is non-abusive, makes me dinner, likes being at homes with me, he makes me jewelry, takes me out when he does have money, is very gentle, holds door open for me, gives me his jacket when I’m cold, he understands my Tourette’s Syndrome even when I have loud blood-curdling screaming tics and he holds me until I stop freaking out….we have everything in common, the sex is great, he snuggles the stuffing out of me (I never have to ask for snuggles!) and I never have to worry about him cheating…he’s just not the type….and his energy moves towards me, I can feel it.

    When I got Love Scripts, I decided I was in this, and I had to “fix” it, because it’s appropriate. I can’t just say “Well, you’re sick, and useless, and you will be homeless if I leave, but bye!” But I can’t continue to live this way. He also said he realizes he needs to help me with that money. He says he feels awful not contributing. When he gets better enough to work (just got insurance so YAY), you bet your bum I’m going to be negotiating his work with him!!! I know I don’t want to be supporting him forevermore!

    Leigha – 108 –

    Thanks you for your words of encouragement. With the ladies’ help I was able to make him know that I need to feel like number one girl. Not a doormat, not his mommy. And I thank you and the ladies so much for that.

    On a final note, I don’t think J is the devil incarnate for wanting to say goodbye to his ex who he won’t be seeing ever again in his entire life…just that he was being inconsiderate and it made me feel unimportant.

  125.  #125Mandy on February 7, 2014 at 12:29 am

    (Ack, sorry about my typos…I wish I could go back and edit them)

  126.  #126Mandy on February 7, 2014 at 12:38 am

    PS – no money being spent by me on him for V-day…I made him something instead! 🙂 and Syreena…I certainly will not stop doing my hair and nails! 😉 After all, I AM a Siren…:)

    I think a bigger apartment would do wonders!

  127.  #127Kyla on February 7, 2014 at 5:03 am

    I feel happy this morning. I woke up with the phrase “time to play” in my head. I feel delight changing my schedule so I can work from home Fridays, it feels good to take care of me. I feel happy driving my kids to school instead of always running out the door while they eat breakfast. I planned a date to bring them out for lunch too. It feels good to make time for fun and play and love.
    I feel heavy, warm, expansive tenderness in my heart. It feels soothing.

  128.  #128Veronica on February 7, 2014 at 7:53 am

    Hi Sirens

    Rori – Thank you for making this opportunity available. I’ve been trying to figure out for years how I can do what I love, in a way that suits me and who I am.

    Beloved – 1 – Thank you so much for this story about your friend. It is easy for me to get into the crying and wondering ‘why not me’ and now I have at least something to remind myself to calm down and refocus on ME. Also, it’s good to have you back.


    FW – 37 – Wow, what a testament to self-truth.

    LoveAlways -77 – Yay!

    Leigha – 101 – Yes, that is exactly how I would feel and seeing the feeling message you crafted helps me feel comfortable with saying how I felt no matter what the outcome or lack of outcome. Thank you.

    Amber 110, 111, 113 and 117 – I’m looooving your energy here. Gem of a lesson for me.

  129.  #129Veronica on February 7, 2014 at 7:55 am

    I’m definitely curious about LastCD – Wednesday’s date setup felt too friend-like which is something I want to avoid. I felt off. The curiosity for me is that with him, I have to look at his actions because there aren’t any real words of ‘how I feel about you’ which usually causes me to not look so much at the actions. He wanted to buy me a drink, I let him steer what would happen for the evening, he made tea for me, all those doors are being opened for me now… so all good practice in not overfunctioning when things are not quite formed yet (it’s only the second ‘date’). The beginning non-clarity of dating is quite triggering for me and yet this feels so good – I’ve not felt this kind of intimacy with MYSELF before. I feel these urges to ‘guide our interactions’ and yet I do nothing, only say yes or no to suggestions, share how I’m feeling and choosing to enjoy no matter what. This definitely feels like healing but I have a long way to go.

  130.  #130Femininewoman on February 7, 2014 at 7:59 am

    Veronica your 127 says that the new article would provide some great tips for you.

  131.  #131Veronica on February 7, 2014 at 9:05 am

    FW – 128 – I just read the article now and yes, I agree, such great ideas. I feel so excited that a Circular Dating article is up.

  132.  #132April Rose on February 7, 2014 at 1:39 pm

    Feeling my way through another round of helplessness.

  133.  #133Lisa on February 7, 2014 at 2:29 pm


    @Helena Thanks so much!!!! It does feel amazing!

    @Leigh Thanks so much for understanding… I’ll assume you had a similar experience.. where being open to everyman did seem to be paying off… 😉

    “J” came back in the circle….and finally we are meeting, I think it has been almost 6mos of him popping in and back out…

    He invited me to eat dinner at a natural grocery store… I said ” I feel better meeting at (teahouse insert name) ………. at 7:30. What do you think? He confirmed the meet. I have plans to go dancing later that night, so I have not left open my whole evening for him.. That feels good. He is a relationship counselor…. we read the same books… we’ll see….might be promising… for sure my Sapiosexual part will be thrilled…


  134.  #134April Rose on February 7, 2014 at 2:59 pm

    Thank you Lisa.

    And Beloved, your posting was so, so powerful for me.

    “… None of her exes were really suited for her, none of them were that into her, none of them fit that special vibe that was all her …
    The “Right One” is so much more amazing than all of the ones before.”

    Aaagh. I believe that. And I fell for it. In a big way. Which is difficult, as I am living with someone.

    After I finished reading your posting I imagined myself free to discover this fantastic-feeling, ease-filled, supportive, close and loved-up relationship.
    I imagined WM on the back of my horse.

    And, there was anger. I felt furious. I do feel furious.

  135.  #135Femininewoman on February 7, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    ((((((((((((((April Rose))))))))))))))))))))

  136.  #136Lisa on February 7, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    Turquoise {{{{hugs}}}}

    Words that I say won’t touch the pain I know you must be feeling… I’m sorry your hurting… much love coming to you… <3


  137.  #137cupcake on February 7, 2014 at 4:42 pm

    Hi, Sirens-

    Amber, thanks for the shout out. It felt good to read that you were thinking about me.

    I’ve been lurking this week. I can’t even think about men and dating until he died figure out what I am doing with my life. For housing related reasons, I have to decide in the next day if I am staying here in New City or not. I turned down the job that had two many red flags (Whether or not the weekly office prayer meeting is “voluntary”– I feel weird that there is a weekly office prayer meeting because religion feels more personal to me than that, and I don’t necessarily want to share something so personal in my work space. And if it turned out that with the religion came political ideals the opposite of mine, I’d feel like I was harboring a secret, or ruffling feathers.)

    So I don’t have a solid job prospect lined up, and I don’t have a lot of faith in the dating prospects here. Of course it only takes one good one….but I just find it more likely that my future husband doesn’t live here than that he does.

    And there is a job I really want, working for a company that I used to work for, in a different state. But the HR department, like all HR departments, seems determined to make the hiring process slow, laborious, and uncommunicative, running on the theory, apparently, that there’s a trust fund somewhere that gives people all the time in the world to hang around waiting to hear if they are even in the running for a job.

    Sorry to vent. It feels so frustrating to be told they’d love to have me back on board, that I am ideally suited for this one job, that they want someone to start asap and how quickly can I relocate if hired– and then NOTHING for 10 days, while I am having to make decisions about what I am doing with no idea if that job is even still available, let alone if I am in the running.

    So I have not been thinking much about dating because I have been in my boy energy.

    I did go to a party at a bar that the cute barista invited me to. I wanted to flirt up a storm and was pointedly ignored. I was feeling very deflated until another girl came up and remarked on how uninclususive all these gay guys are…. Apparently in New City the gay guys dress like hipsters, not like the clean cut gay guys I knew in Old City.

    Anyway. That’s me. Have been following you guys but not feeling very energetic to comment. Sending you all good thoughts though.

  138.  #138Millie on February 7, 2014 at 7:24 pm


    I feel very happy and relieved to hear what a wonderful man he is for you! I’m so glad you shared the positive aspects of your relationship. It’s easy for me as a reader to get caught up in the negative and feel protective of other women…I’m really glad to hear that there is so much else he is giving to the relationship. Thanks for sharing 🙂

  139.  #139Indigo on February 7, 2014 at 8:56 pm

    Shannon 81,

    I wholeheartedly agree with what you have said here, and I too would love to see more support, rather than leaping to a judgment call about what an individual, who has every right to make her own choices, should accept in her relationship.

    You may find, as I have, that there is one person on this blog who consistently leaps to those conclusions and steers the conversation to this question of “morality” and “right and wrong”. I find it extremely tiresome, and it makes me want to heave a big sigh, and makes me feel very exasperated.

  140.  #140Femininewoman on February 8, 2014 at 1:35 am

    I totally agree. I really felt good reading Shannon’s comments. When I read the right and wrong comments I felt myself feeling judgemental and caught myself thinking “mother superior” looking down at the humans again and pointing fingers.