How To Accept A Gift – Even If You Think It’s Too Big

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giftsHere’s a great question from Mercedes – and Mercedes has true confidence, is strong, independent, feisty, and a true goddess – and still, just like all of us, she has places where there’s still more to learn, more to receive, more to….. (I’m just printing the entire conversation – even though you can see it here as comments…)

“Rori:  I have a problem…no idea how to deal with it and I’d like your advice. For some reason, I don’t feel comfortable posting this on the blog because…well…people have an idea about who I am and I’m pretty sure I’d be judged. Maybe I’m wrong and if you want this on the blog, I’ll do it but I’d rather start here.

My boyfriend is a very amazing man. He treats me like a goddess all of the time (well….at least since I stopped making mistakes and kicked the walls around his heart down. LOL). But I need to give you a little background.

This man has lots of money. I do okay..but I don’t by any means have lots of money. I have enough to easily take care of myself and if I needed say a new refridgerator…well…I could pay cash for a decent one. He, on the other hand, has LOTS of money and treats himself (and me) very well. We live different lifestyles when it comes to spending.

One of the things he’s always said he loves about me is how independent I am. He told me once that any other woman would have quit her job and asked him to buy her a car by now. I’m not like that. I am proud of myself for being able to take care of myself and though I let him treat when we go out or spend time together, I take care of my own bills, etc.

Here’s the kicker. My car broke down. It’s really junk and it’s starting to scare me (being on the road in a major US city). Last night, he offered to buy me a car. He wants me to have something nice and certainly something reliable so he doesn’t have to worry about me. I can’t afford something nice and probably can’t even afford something reliable. I have financial goals set and am working hard to achieve those goals and buying a new car isn’t something that fits right now. I just really, really can’t buy that car.

So…knowing he’s always been worried about women who would use him for money. Knowing he’s attracted to me, in part, because I’ve never asked him for money. Knowing he loves my independence and loves that I take care of myself when it comes to my financial needs. And knowing that’s a lot of why we’re still together (he has no fear of my taking advantage of him)…

Well…what do you think I should do? I’m worried that even though this offer comes from his heart, he will eventually see me as just like all those other women. He probably believes in his heart that I’ll figure something out. I’ve figured it out before and not “needed” him to “take care of me”. What do you think the chances are that this will be a total turnoff? Do you think I should let him buy it and then make payments to him for it? I’m lost here.

We’re in a place where we know we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together. That’s a fact. We’re in love and he’s asked me to move in with him on multiple occasions. I haven’t given up my apartment yet because I’m not ready for that step but I know he loves me. I want that love to last. Do you think he’ll see this as me using him for money (I mean eventually, not right away, right now, he’s offering because he knows he can help..but later…down the road…what will he think)? I really don’t know what to do.

Again, I’ll put this on the blog and let the other women offer advice if you want me to, but…I’ve come so far with this man and set so many good boundaries and opened his heart and the lines of communication. I’ve worked so hard. I don’t want to do this wrong (and he knows about all of this….he knows how uncomfortable I am with my situation right now) so…I really would like to have the advice of a professional here if you’re willing to help me out…

Much Love, Mercedes”

Here’s my first answer:

Mercedes – you’re missing the operative word here – your man wants to GIVE you a car.

To some men, flowers would be a gift – he can afford a car, so a car it is. Not only does he want to give you a car, he wants to make you SAFE. And a car serves THAT too – a great gift all around. If you refuse him, you are rejecting him. Let him use his money to give to you. You are putting up a wall around yourself and making it difficult to receive from him.

I know taking this brings up all kinds of things in you. That’s the point. Refusing anything is refusing everything….You will never be like those other women – but you are going way to the other extreme here. This will open up your relationship even more. I think this would be great on the blog – but I’ll leave that to you…Love, Rori

And here’s Mercedes reply:

Yes, I do see it as weakness (and weakness scares me) but…I also see it as…hmmm…this is hard to explain.

Do men keep track of “points” the way we women do? What I mean is this. A man gives a rose = 1 point. A man gives a dozen roses = 1 point. A man says/does something romantic (no money involved) = 1 point. A man says/does something mean or disrespectful…well… = minus 10 points (at least 10…cuz we can bring this up over and over and over again and we can certainly stress about it for months or even years).

So…does it work that way with a man? A woman is strong on the outside = 1 point. A woman is sexy (in his eyes…I’m not talking about what we look like…more like how we relate to him in a sexy way…) = 1 point. A woman makes him laugh = 1 point. A woman makes life fun for him = 1 point. A woman is independent and stands up for herself = 1 point. A woman can’t take care of herself without him = minus 10 points.

Will this come up again? When things get rough for us (and life does tend to hand even the strongest couples some tough times…) will he, during a stressful time think “she can’t even take care of herself. If it weren’t for me, she’d be walking to work”?

I want to be able to receive, I really do. My problem is…how do I trust that this is just a gift. Just a gift…not more, not less…1 point…not something I will always have to know I couldn’t do for myself and needed him to do for me. I mean…if it weren’t for him or if he wasn’t offering to buy the car, I’d figure something out. I always do. I do not believe that I would sit in my house crying because I don’t have a car and can’t get to work. I’d do something…anything…and I’d be okay. He’s just making it easier than me having to figure something out. He’s figured it out already. I want to be okay with that.

I know I need him Rori…I need his love, I need his affection, I need his smile, I need his laughter, I need his friendship. I would fall apart if I lost him…he means the world to me and is SO good to me. But…now…I need his money?? He’s had a lot of women in his life who needed (or at least wanted/asked for/used him for) his money. We’ve been together for 4 years…I’ve never been that woman…

It’s hard. Maybe I will put this on the blog…I’m sure everyone has thoughts and ideas but most importantly, I’d want to know if there was someone out there who related to how I’m feeling. Because, to be honest with you, I’m terrified. I have all the confidence in the world almost all of the time. Now, I’m about as insecure as a woman can get and I’m afraid this will cause a huge rift for us. And no matter how irrational that fear sounds, it’s tearing me apart right now…
Much Love, Mercedes”

And here’s me again:

Idon’t know your man, but if he’s the generous sort, he doesn’t do “points” – it’s all “gut” for a man. After 4 years – if things are that good with him, there would be absolutely no “trade” going on here. A gift is a gift. If you’re not sure, ask him – is this a gift? And the terror of shifting the dynamic of the relationship is huge.

Why on earth would he NOT want to take care of you – when you’ve demonstrated so thoroughly that you don’t NEED taking care of? If you were to marry him (pre-nup of course) – he’d WANT to give you stuff because you’re his WOMAN. Your independence comes from inside you. It doesn’t preclude accepting gifts.

I don’t know what it will do down the line – but it all hinges on your ability to be a goddess and receive with appreciation and love for yourself and him.

(Oh…..and don’t you DARE give him money for the car. You are not seeing this as it’s offered – a gift. You’re seeing it as proof of some kind of weakness in you. You are confusing receiving with weakness. This is exactly like Bella in Twilight. Exactly.)

Love, Rori

There’s more – but I really wanted to bring this up, and thank you so much, Mercedes, for allowing me to jump off of this.

Gifts are hard.  Receiving is hard.  It’s the legacy left over from the time when women were thought of as worthless, and we’re still struggling with, as Marianne Williamson said it,  “A Woman’s Worth” in general, and our estimation of our own, individual worth in particular.

No matter how “evolved” or goddess-like we get – there’s a part of us in the “collective unconscious” that will always feel worthless.  And there’s a BIG part of us, bred into our society, that believes that with every gift comes a price.  That with every good thing comes a bad.  That everything is bartered for, traded for, bought and sold. Basically, that there is no such thing as “no strings attached.”

And for sure – somewhere in each of us we believe there is no such thing as no strings attached” for US.  Let’s start the revolution and embrace this old and collective belief and start melting it down.  Little by little.  One car by one car.

Have fun, Mercedes – you are amazing, and deserve everything you want and desire – no strings attached.

More Love, Rori

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120 Comments

  1.  #1alias girl on June 9, 2009 at 10:09 pm

    rori or anybody. i have a question. i feel scared to ask because i don’t want to feel selfish or dumb.

    if a guy is buying you such a pricey gift. such as a car or engagement ring. both of which the woman has to live with everyday and is also part of her quote unquote image of herself.

    does the man ask her what style she would like? or should the woman just be grateful she’s getting the ring or car and leave it at that. what if no discussion is raised about it by the man?

    i feel weird asking this. anyone? what do you think?



  2.  #2alias girl on June 9, 2009 at 10:12 pm

    i mean heckk you could be driving that thing everyday for three or five more yeras. and in los angeles one spends ALOT of time in one’s car.

    and the ring is on their FOR LIFE. Every single day.

    shouldn’t the woman at least like it?

    or are you just supposed to adjust to whatever his taste might be.?



  3.  #3Tina on June 9, 2009 at 11:46 pm

    My “boyfriend” bought me a washing machine for my new apartment, he only just met me – a few weeks. He thought I needed one – which I did. I never asked for one – just take the car – ask him How much is he willing to spend and can you pick it out.



  4.  #4Tina on June 9, 2009 at 11:58 pm

    Cash here , stuff there. all gifts which I recieved with much suprise and appreciation. the gifts I appreciate the most is the dried up berry he found on one of our walks, a widdled piece of some sort of knot off a tree, an old arrow head, a piece of dried root used for medicine. I keep them all in a box.



  5.  #5Tracy on June 10, 2009 at 4:15 am

    I am coming from a place where i felt it necessary to give gifts to guyz as a sign of my appreciation for their affection and love…..I even felt bad receiving gifts as i always felt as though the other person was doing so much for me…….
    Just to smile and say thank and just feel happy that someone bought me something nice was a difficult thing….
    Now i can smile and receive a gift and just feel the sheer pleasure of enjoying the affection that the person is presenting without feeling bad or feeling as though i need to repay it back……..especially with men….

    Linmayu wrote a post that really triggered me……that as much as its nice to receive these gifts it important to ensure that we don’t loose our independence and become dependent…I totally agree with that.I guess as Rori points out…..we should follow through how we feel about the gift and receive it from a point where we feel good about ourselves….
    For me it all boils down to being honest with ourselves and what this gift means to us…..and be in touch with our feelings around it.I applaud Mercedes for her concern and the fact that she recognizes the consequences of receiving this gift and all the feelings that come with it….Its a fantastic way of being true to ourselves and always trying to be honest about what goes on inside ourselves….Its really an eye opener for me….thank you all….



  6.  #6Nelia on June 10, 2009 at 8:43 am

    Hmmmmm. I need to sit on this one. My first reaction was, “Absolutely do not take the car!” But after reading Rori’s response my reaction was, “Well, if it’s the equivalent of flowers for this guy…” But then I thought, “Why should his standards dictate my own.”

    This is what I’m left with. Allowing a man to provide for me is a gift. And a man needs to earn that gift (e.g. puts a ring on my finger or walks me down the aisle). Providing for essential needs (such as transportation) is intimate and I won’t let just any man I’m dating take that role.

    But I’m curious to see what others write. I might still be swayed…



  7.  #7Linmayu on June 10, 2009 at 9:17 am

    AG, when a man loves a woman enough to get her an engagement ring, he also loves her enough to take her tastes into account, I have found. Some guys will take the girl out to jewelry stores to get some idea of their tastes. My husband did not surprise me with a ring as he proposed quite spontaneously, but afterwards, he took me out shopping to every jewelry store in the damned city until I found a ring I liked; he didn’t trust himself to pick one out for me, as well no man should. Either he somehow knew that was exactly how I would have wanted it, or it was just a happy coincidence. Later, of course, I grew tired of looking at the same ring I’d been looking at for years, and talked about getting it redesigned…this seemed to really upset him.

    One thing that I’m really resisting facing is this concept that men actually have feelings of their own, and that they actually matter. If a man’s feelings actually matter–does that mean that now I’m responsible for his feelings? I don’t think so–but I need to allow him to have them and not judge him for having them, even if I’m not comfortable with them, and it’s no more right for me to completely disregard them than it would be for him to do the same to me.

    As far as Mercedes’ situation, I hope she is able to accept the car and still hold on to her independence. Were it me, knowing what I know now, I would accept it, and then set a goal to provide myself with the means to buy a new car for myself down the line if the need should ever arise again. Every car I’ve ever driven, actually, has come from a man, either my father or my husband; I’ve never bought one on my own, never had the desire to, and probably never will–even if I spend my own money to buy a car, someone who knows cars is damn well coming to help choose one.



  8.  #8Robin on June 10, 2009 at 10:57 am

    Nelia,

    This feels interesting to me….
    I totally can see where you’re coming from, it totally is a gift for him to have you in his life and just have a ‘chunk’ of time w/ you, etc…definitely AGREE with that!

    But for me it seems that not letting a man do something for us, however small or big, would be the equivalent of putting up our defenses, and closing ourselves up from letting him get too close (too soon), I remember Rori saying we want to be open to receiving at all times, and to not shut ourselves down, even in the presence of people we would not talk to, strangers, etc..

    For me, it really feels like the key lies in how you feel, I remember hearing Rori say, when you feel strong enough, you can do anything, if it feels good.

    I used to feel really triggered when getting gifts, but you could see it also as a fantastic opportunity to work through those triggered feelings…



  9.  #9Rori Raye on June 10, 2009 at 11:08 am

    A girlfriend of mine went through this with her husband, who just gave her a Jaguar that didn’t fit her right. Bad vibes ensued. The whole return and redo thing. Of COURSE there should be discussion! Of course he should get you what you want in a CAR, you should go SHOPPING together. Same for a ring…you go shopping, you point out what you like, you try things on…and then he gets you the one he likes and you love it no matter what. But – the engagement ring is iffy. Sometimes he gives you a family heirloom. Sometimes he gives you a ring he got a great deal on somewhere. Sometimes it doesn’t feel right for him to bring you in on the gift. Sometimes he’s clueless and doesn’t think to ask for fear of spoiling the surprise. I suppose the same thing could happen with a car…but it’s all about talking no matter what. And…if you aren’t consulted…love what he gives you if you can. If the car or the dress or the shoes don’t fit…you’ll have to talk about it, but if the ring fits…take it and smile…That would be my take on this…Rori



  10.  #10Mercedes on June 10, 2009 at 11:38 am

    Linmayu: Thank you so much for your post on the thread where I made this comment. That’s almost EXACTLY how I feel! It’s the thought that my vibe might change. Not that I would quit my job or totally become dependent on him (I love my job and have worked WAY too hard to get where I am to give that up for any man) but…that we’d both know that I know I can ask and he’ll do it for me. I’ve always given the impression I’d never ask (and I’m not asking now) but…I’m concerned this will change us in that he’ll think I’m going to start asking more when I need help and…most importantly that I WILL start asking more. If I lose my ability to be resourceful and take care of myself, he loses his respect for me and I lose my respect for me. It’s all downhill from there…

    Cassandra: You also made a comment on the other thread that I wanted to address. I can assure you we are talking about it. We are talking and talking and talking and he just keeps smiling at me and kissing me and I can tell he’s trying really hard to respect my feelings here.

    Flipper: Your insights are amazing. I wish I felt the same but I certainly see your very valid points and I am trying to get my heart to head in that direction because everything in me (except my heart) knows you are right. Dang stubborn hearts!!! 🙂

    Nelia: Just for some background, I’ve been with this man for four years. We’re not getting married, but that’s because neither of us wants to. We’re at a “never say never but I really don’t see that in my future” stage…and I love him so much because we both feel that way (no pressure on either side to change). We are together forever though…but I agree…if this were just some guy I was dating, I’d never accept it and I wouldn’t have even asked Rori what to do. I would have simply turned it down (now…not sure Rori would agree to that answer but it’s certainly the answer I would have given). It’s only because I love him so much and I know he loves me that I’m even considering letting him help me out.

    And finally to those who wonder if we should get to choose what kind of car, how much, etc (I’m not going to comment on engagement ring because I have no idea what a man’s supposed to do there). As far as the car goes, he’s been looking at cars over the last few days. He’s told me where he’s been and what he’s found. He’s only looking for one particular kind of car and that car happens to be the one car he knows I’ve been dreaming about. He’s taking my taste, not only into consideration, but he’s not even looking at anything that isn’t that one particular kind of car…yeah…he’s wonderful. Geez!!! I’m a lucky girl!!

    Please don’t misunderstand me either ladies….I’m soooo grateful and appreciative of the offer. I know without a doubt it’s all coming from his heart. I know it’s with love and he’s not asking or expecting anything in return.

    My issue is how this could potentially change things. It’s all about the vibe I give off and the change in dynamics for the relationship. As I said, I’ve worked really hard to become a strong, confident, loving woman who learned from every mistake she’s ever made with this man (and there have been LOTS). The whole reason I’m reading this blog is because I don’t want to make mistakes anymore. I have a great relationship and have since the day I started posting here…I’m here to make sure I keep it that way.

    And that’s why I so value your opinions and suggestions and comments…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  11.  #11Mercedes on June 10, 2009 at 11:52 am

    Oh…and one other thing on receiving gifts. I love gifts and have accepted everything he’s ever given me (big or small). Those were things he gave me to make me smile. Those were things I wanted or liked or even just enjoyed. Those were NOT things I needed to take care of myself with. This is. This is not something he would go out and do just because he wants to see me smile. This is something he’ll go out and do because I can’t. If he were the kind of man who regularly brought home expensive gifts for me, I’d laugh at him and roll my eyes and drive away in my new car. He’s not. He’s the kind of man who brings home one single rose because he was thinking it would make his girl smile. This is all because of my need and his ability to help. It has nothing to do with “surprise baby! I saw this and couldn’t help myself…I just had to pick it up for you!”.

    Why is that so different for me???

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  12.  #12Maria on June 10, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    Mercedes, you are wondeful and l wish l was in your shoes, but l came across with one bizarre idea. Have you ever thought that being so self independent and for the sake of “power of holding your independence” is actually a hard work eventually, even if you love your job and independency.
    Cos think about it:

    Actually youd love to have a car, cos it would make your life better. And your man values you and WANTS to give it to you.
    So how about telling him from a bottom of your heart, that sometiimes you like to be taken into his hands (literally) and just forget your “power” and “hard work” of being so independent, and tell him that youd feel absolutely touched of his generousity and care, and youd like not to think that this changes something between you two.

    l think (and call me crazy) that accepting gifts is actually sexy.



  13.  #13Cassandra on June 10, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    Mercedes….I think that this is wonderful that Rori did a whole post on this! I know – although I have just recently learned this – that I struggle with receiving….YOu are MUCH better at it than I am but I totally understand your fear of your vibe changing…i would feel the same way. It makes me feel happy to know that you are talking about it and talking about and talking about it. It makes me feel so happy and hopeful that there are men out there that really do want to take care of their lady, shower her with gifts to bring her a smile and make sure that she is taken care of in having what she needs and is safe! That really does bring me hope. I think that you are so brave to even ask about this and being so worried that your vibe will change shows so many good things aboutyour character……things that I am quite sure that your man already knows about you and that is is most definitely sure that you are not like the women out there that simply take…..Iam not sure that you could be that way if you tried Mercedes!! I say go ahead and take the car with the gratitude that you already have in your heart….know that you deserve it and that it is truly coming from a place of pure love and caring that you are safe and have what you need….and then let us all know all about it!! LOL I feel so deeply excited for you Mercedes and so deeply happy that you not only will have the car that you need and the one that you want but that you have a man that will make sure that you are safe and have what you need. I celebrate this for you!! I want to get to where I feel good about receiving too and Rori you said that so many of us still feel that….
    “…with every gift comes a price. That with every good thing comes a bad. That everything is bartered for, traded for, bought and sold. Basically, that there is no such thing as “no strings attached.” I am one of those that is still stuck in this place although I am working on that. I think that the more we work the tools and get stronger within ourselves, at setting our boundaries which I am SUPER not there yet, and at knowing that we do deserve good things being given to us, to be taken care of and cherished and showered with nice things and gestures of true care and love the more that we will all get to where we can freely and thankfully receive without feeling uncomfortable. I did not even know that I was uncomfortable receiving until about a month ago so I fel thankful that I realized that so clearly…at least now I know what else I have to work on. Love to all……



  14.  #14Mercedes on June 10, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    Maria: Independence and power is hard work and I get a charge out of it. It’s something I need…it’s who I am…it’s what I want, what I need and what I strive to maintain. So…I can’t possibly tell him from the bottom of my heart that I want to be taken into his hands and forget about all of that. That would be a lie and I won’t lie to him.

    As far as literally taken into his hands, I do love being there and I am there as often as I can be. I’m vulnerable when I’m with him…he knows me…he knows my dreams…he knows my weaknesses and my strengths and my fears. He holds me and loves me and takes care of me emotionally. What he doesn’t do (and what I don’t want him to do) is take away my independence and my power. I’ll never quit working or striving to be the best I can be financially and in my career (at least until I retire…then I’ll just kick back on a beach somewhere and drink margaritas all day…..).

    I have told him how touched I am. I’ve told him how incredibly much I appreciate the offer. I’ve talked to him about my fears of this changing things between us. He always knows how I feel and this is no exception. He’s waiting for me to make a decision. The offer is there…we’re talking…no pressure but I also know how he feels and he feels like doing this for me.

    Yes, a new car would make my life better. All my life it’s been ME making my life better…not a man. That to me is the key to finding happiness with a man. Can we make our lives better without them? Can we find our own happiness? Can we be strong with or without them in our lives (even though we desperately want them here…even though we need the emotional support and love) can we make it with or without them? My answer has always been a strong YES!!! I wasn’t looking for Prince Charming to ride in on a white horse and rescue me when I found J. I was looking for a frog to hop in and enjoy life and be my partner and love me. I found that in this man. Giving him this “kiss” (by saying yes) and turning him into Prince Charming isn’t exactly what I had in mind.

    I’m trying so hard to decide. Right now, I can afford the rental and my car is in the shop so there’s no real sense of urgency. I’ll decide eventually or he’ll remove the offer. Either way, I just pray it works out for the best.

    Cassandra: You are so sweet. Thank you for believing I deserve this. I think deep down I believe it too. After all, I would accept a gift that was just as expensive if it was simply something he thought to get me. This is (I believe) more about the issue of him taking care of me when I can’t. That’s such a hard concept for me! Nobody has ever taken care of me (except my parents…and they weren’t all that good at it either) and so…to find myself in a place where someone else can just walk in and fix it and I don’t have to work for it…well…I guess it just makes me mad at myself! It’s a struggle that will have to end eventually but…I’m not sure how that ending will go…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Oh and PS: I mentioned he’s looking at my dream car. It’s NOT a Mercedes!!! LOL If he does something that tacky I’ll drive the damn thing every day and send him a text every time someone makes a joke about my car matching my name! In the end, it’ll be me LMAO!! 🙂



  15.  #15DocK on June 10, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    If someone wants to buy me a MINI Cooper – I’m takin’ it : )



  16.  #16DocK on June 10, 2009 at 1:55 pm

    But seriously – I’ll tell the story if we can take out any anti/pro fur issues on this one : )

    Many, many years ago, a guy I was seeing, a puppy dog guy, gave me a mink coat for Christmas. Now I had never asked for one or even hinted I would like to have one or even remember glancing at one in his presence. The thing was, I was moving 2000 miles away after the New Year and gave no indication I wanted a long distance relationship.

    I did try to suggest that maybe he wanted to return it but my name was already embroidered into it. I know, a very different situation but I felt so uncomfortable accepting it. I always did like giving presents more than receiving. I really have learned to receive and just say thank you (but we’re now talking about much smaller or less expensive gifts).

    Well, the coat came in handy. When I was in grad school and had no money, I would laugh thinking that I am so poor that I have to sleep with my fur over me so I can keep the heat down low and save money.



  17.  #17Mercedes on June 10, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    DocK: I love your story! 🙂 Isn’t it funny how resourceful we ladies can be when we need to!



  18.  #18Daria on June 10, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    Mercedes you wrote this:

    “Maria: Independence and power is hard work and I get a charge out of it. IT’S SOMETHING I NEED…it’s who I am…it’s what I want, what I need and what I strive to maintain.”

    Perhaps this is an opportunity to embrace a new way to BE. To embrace a non-independent self that is not about hard work, (while also continuing to honor the side of you that does want to work hard).

    I remember a little while ago I thought that being ME meant taking care of all others first and putting in hard work. I also felt like I got a charge out of it. l stopped that, and yet I’m still ME, a more whole me.

    I think this is a great opportunity to embrace surrendering and trust and just Being Enough. I feel nervous and quivery and excited about the interesting feelings (maybe good and bad) and triggers that you are going to feel during this scary feeling step.



  19.  #19Mercedes on June 10, 2009 at 2:55 pm

    I know a woman who met and fell in love with a man. Not long after they started dating seriously, this man was in desperate need of some help financially. She helped him. She saved him from losing his house to foreclosure. They are now married. She “wears the pants” in that relationship. Everyone can see she doesn’t respect him and he doesn’t respect himself. They don’t have a loving relationship…she feels like she’s better than he is. He can’t stand up to her and “man up” (I love that phrase Ann…) This happened 17 years ago. She still tells people about it. (I met her a year ago and at our second meeting she told me about her “helping him out”…I’m a complete stranger and she had to make sure I knew he had troubles and she took care of it).

    How did it all start? How did their relationship begin to fall apart? By one person helping the other person in a time of financial need…

    Just food for thought…it’s been on my mind, that’s for sure.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  20.  #20Mercedes on June 10, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    Oh Daria…I’ll never be able to embrace a “non-independent self”…because I don’t want to BE anything else. I love this part of me. I have NO desire to let it go. Not that I can’t make the decision to take the car (still not sure about that) but…to surrender that part of me and be some new me that isn’t independent to the extreme?? That’s not something I ever want for myself. Is that sad? 🙁 I don’t know…I just know that it’s not about overfunctioning and making things better for others before me…it’s all about ME being the one to make things better for ME so that I can be the best ME there is. That ME can’t let go of the independence and really doesn’t want to at all…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  21.  #21Daria on June 10, 2009 at 3:04 pm

    hehe Mercedes hugs!

    You don’t HAVE to “let go” of being independent to try another way. You can kind of just experiment “if you want to.” It can be fun… in fact, it may contribute to you feeling even MORE independent (and good).

    Sometimes the things we feel so strongly that we CAN’t / Won’t do are creating resistance because there’s a trigger in there somewhere that’s yearning to be embraced.

    No pressure. Lots easier to say than do, I have my own triggers hehe…



  22.  #22Daria on June 10, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    Ok i am crying right now…

    the guy from new york has been writing me and now he dedicated a song to me this bob marley song “I don’t want to wait in vain for your love”

    I feel so good and yet I feel so sad… this is just like the sad shit I was talking about when you lose love

    awwwww… it hurts in my face!!! i fel SO MAD!!!! I feel sad…

    “tears in my eyes burn, tears in my eyes burn, I don’t want to wait in vain for your love…”

    Waaaaaah i feel so sad…

    I want this to be healed… i feel desperated and cumpled and broken and I’m hurtin I feel this loss pain in my chest and my cheeks hurt from being stretched while crying…

    ohhhh so much
    help help…

    what is this about? this feeling? I feel scared/sad/sad /sad sad sad sad sad asad sad



  23.  #23Tina on June 10, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    Ok, now I”m confused. Do masculine energy men want/need attention?. for example Oh, you did that so wonderfully, oh you are so hardworking or whatever?. I was reading the ebook and it says something along the lines of Masculine energy men want Attention I always thought this was a femenine energy thing?. I ordered my ebook but somehow lost it somewhere in cyber space anyway, Ill find it lol. thanks



  24.  #24Tina on June 10, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    I tried this exerise – clenching my fists in a ball. When I feel doubtful, lonely, it feels good – I smile, eventually I have to release my fists because I feel pain in my fingers. When I do the releasing of my fists, palms up, fingers extended , it still hurts from the fists clenching. I feel this is where I get “stuck”. I am feeling so much pain in my fingers from clenching that I am unable to recieve ouch!.



  25.  #25Tina on June 10, 2009 at 5:03 pm

    I did exercise when I induced my feelings of doubt. I imagined him not calling me – then I did the exercise of clenching my fists. I did the same exercise when I was feeling good and got different results. This is so cool.



  26.  #26Tina on June 10, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    When I am in my good feelings, I dont find I feel the need to ball up my fists so long, I prefer the release, I can breathe much better.



  27.  #27Tina on June 10, 2009 at 5:10 pm

    I continue to push, push,push away, even when I ask for what I need. I hurt in my fingers, ” I need love right now, my fingers hurt so bad, Im more focused on my fingers hurting rather than recieving anything while my palms are up(gifts of any sort) I feel to focused on my pain in my fingers. I would yank my hands away in pain. hm interesting stuff.



  28.  #28Tina on June 10, 2009 at 5:16 pm

    I dont recieve “the gift” as elegantly as I would -if I was in my “happy place”. He yanks the gift away instead and I am busy tending to my hurt fingers oh god that was to painful , my fingers hurt so bad, I cant except your gift right now, or I would just take it with no thank you nothing notta. I feel embarrassed by this. sheepish. He runs around in circles trying to give the right gift, I feel annoyed/irratated then eventually tell him to FCK OFF!. ok thats not cool lol



  29.  #29gina on June 10, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    I do want to depend on a man. Being independent is what I have to do because there is no man. I’m glad to know that I can be independent, but I’d rather have a man to depend on. About accepting gifts, I know I feel triggered bout that sometimes – I go into my head and calculate how to respond: it’s difficult to just graciously accept gifts from anybody.
    About the ring: my friend was engaged, with invitations in the mail and everything, but there hadn’t been an actual proposal yet. She let her man know that she would like to be surprised, and she described what kind of ring she would like. She secretly checked his Internet history to find what rings he was considering. She didn’t like a horse-shoe ring that it appeared he had placed an order for. So she had to sneakily let him know not to get it – she was in this crazy controlling mode. He planned a wild proposal – a scavenger hunt around town that included 3 flowershops and 4 chocolate shops. When she finally arrived to find him (and her parents, who he had flown in to witness the proposal) with the ring at the final destination, her first words when presented with the ring were: “It’s HUGE!! I can’t believe how HUGE it is!!!” But ultimately she decided that she would prefer a diamond shape to the square shaped stone, and she had the ring redesigned.
    When I visited, she wasn’t actually wearing a ring cause it was being redone. He definitely seemed resentful, and she was still in crazy mode. In private, he commented that he had spent more on the wedding in the previous month than he was going to make that entire year. Amazing other extreme, huh??



  30.  #30Ann on June 10, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    Mercedas I feel you’re amazing. I look forward to reading how you resolve this for yourself.

    I posted a update to our situation on my blog. If you’d like to read it you can click on my name. I will try to keep posting how things are going there for as long as I have a internet connection.

    At this point in time I’m not feeling too comfortable at the party(to use Alias Girl description). I feel my grammer isn’t that great(altho NOONE has said that). I feel sometimes I’m too blunt and give advice that’s not wanted and I feel I need to stop that.

    I plan to keep reading and hope to stop in from time to time to send hugs or applause in your journeys.

    I wish each of you lots of love and good feelings. Take Care



  31.  #31Nikita on June 10, 2009 at 8:19 pm

    Mercedes,

    I feel like I am on pins and needles following this story, your story. This is my first post ever and only because I feel so moved to express myself on this “issue”.

    If you do not accept.

    Then what? That feels so anti-climatic and unromantic to me.

    If you reject his offer.

    Then what? Is a man biologically wired to “provide” and “protect”?

    You know the answer to this one, Mercedes 🙂

    A man is wired that way; if we go against that, we have just rejected and emasculated him. Therefore decreasing his masculinity and out feminity in his eyes.

    I feel, I pray that your issue is more about “How do I accept this”,

    A man(emphasis on man) needs a woman to accept him as is.
    Your sweetie is generous and capable.He is a good earner and strong provider. Honestly speaking Mercedes, he CAN take better care of you than you in a financial sense without breaking a sweat. Yes, you can and could “figure something out” you always do, but baby I bet you sweat:)

    A man needs to be admired. He has probably worked his whole life to prove he is a good provider to everyone; friends,family,business associates, the general public( I bet he drives a nice car),and the woman he chooses to spend his time with(wife?). A man takes pride in watching his lady motor through the world in a nice car he provided. Provided she admires him and his abilities to be a man, naturally. Mercedes acknowledges and champions the fact her man takes pains to be successful and he is her hero when her car was replaced with something better and safer( men protect ). Can you let him protect? And provide? Yes, you can.

    You can respect his masculinity out loud in front of the world and your family and your friends. You can let him be proud. You can let him step up and shine as your beacon of light with this car debacle you have been going through. Four Years!
    He knows you are with him for the right reasons he can feel it in his gut. He is practically begging you for the opportunity to display his strength. Are you going to allow or reject?

    The act is his reward. His lady. His woman NEEDS a newer, better form of transportation to help him feel good. Are you going to refuse him this pleasure, this right?

    I come from a very loving place as I write this. My sweetie is much stronger financially than I. I have provided for myself, and pride myself on being “independent”. My family is like yours. My story like yours. I left home as a teen and worked HARD. But I have experienced the backlash of not allowing a man to help me.
    I’ve seen how I pushed them away by being too strong and too independent. I stopped being fun. Being with me was limiting their expression of love. My ex wanted to give me his car as he bought a new one. I later learned of his pain as I pushed him to trade in. I’m fine. I can take care of myself. I make my own money……………SO unsexy, sooooo not fun. I like the sweetie I have now much better but I still learned my lesson; accept, accept, accept. Admire him and appreciate him and respect his masculinity as he demonstrates it to you. Please.

    I read your blog in it’s entirety so I am aware of the backstory. You already earned this car in spades. The two of you seem happy but this idea you don’t want to accept his offer is a little dramatic. I feel like you are afraid to lose control and might be competing with him. “Who can take care of Mercedes better”?

    Well Mercedes is in charge of her happiness but J. Is definitely better at Taking Care of the luxuries. How sumptuous Mercedes could feel in new seats! I love heated seats! Then you could always feel J’s warmth wrapped around you….mmm cozy love warmth. And the freedom to blast your favorite love songs on your new radio cruising up the highway. Wow! You weren’t afraid to express that you are worth it!

    P.S. The other women who would’ve quit their job and asked him for a car…..that might be triggering you.

    The story about the woman who “saved” her husband from foreclosure is certainly triggering you. I get it.
    She made a huge mistake by emasculating him. That arrangement went against natural law. A man “saves” a woman, not vice versa. I bet he resented her for making him feel im-potent. Otherwise a poor provider. She didn’t allow him to provide and protect. She was the man of the house. He was bitter and demoralized. This is not about people getting hurt when they”help”, this is about gender roles. How could she respect him?, he didn’t fulfill his gender role in her eyes.
    If she truly wanted to help him, she could have gone about it in a way to………..nevermind, I don’t want to elaborate on that.
    I only hope for J’s sake you accept his love completely and unconditionally even if there’s a big scary car attached. He knows your a big girl that can take care of herself. He knows, but can he take care of you too??? Please? Pretty please with your dream car on top?

    Men also like to make decisions, so of your scared of repurcussions( losing some projection of yourself) let him take over. Let him decide. Let him know it is entirely up to him whether he buys you a new car. You can’t decide. You trust him to make the decision on what’s best for everyone involved, what’s best for the relationship. Tell him what color is your fave 🙂 and lean back and let him row the boat and you get out of the way of the blessing. The man is in control. He likes that doesn’t he Mercedes :)))

    So how do you accept? By throwing your arms around him and telling him he is the best ever! Smile and admire how beautiful the whole story really is.



  32.  #32gina on June 10, 2009 at 9:42 pm

    Ooh. What about a guy who you’re not that into? If he wants to spend a lot of money on you and you feel guilty cause you’re leaning towards being not into him?



  33.  #33Tina on June 10, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    Gina,

    I would just tell him exactly that. Guilt and all. Let him decide I suppose.



  34.  #34heartbeat on June 11, 2009 at 12:05 am

    elegant Ann, will catch up with u on facebook x



  35.  #35Katja on June 11, 2009 at 3:11 am

    Hey ladies,

    I didn’t read all comments but wanted to say something about the post…

    What about just saying “Thank you” if you get a gift from him? A gift is a sign of appreciation. And men love to give.

    I would enjoy the appreciation,say “Thank you” and enjoy the gift-no matter how big it is. If he wants to give,he wants to give. Let him.

    I think that a good man would consider the taste of the woman when it comes to cars and engagement rings but I’d rather have an engagement ring on my finger thats made from plastics and thats ugly as hell than one that is worth one million dollars. The idea behind that is important (when it comes to engagement rings).

    Here is one example: My man once bought a dress for me. I thought first it wasn’t my taste and it was ugly. Then I could see that it was just an expression of his love and I wore that dress because it was from HIM and it was a token of his love for me. And that automatically made that dress beautiful to me. I hope I was able to make clear what I mean with that.

    All the best,all the love in the universe to all of you!

    Katja
    p.s. I missed the blog so I came back…but I am also still taking my time to mourn and I am also in a specific way enjoying this time of growth and healing even if it is very challenging and very painful and hard but I know I will be more stronger,more powerful and more beautiful to myself and to the world in the future.



  36.  #36Nelia on June 11, 2009 at 5:28 am

    Robin : Thanks for that additional insight. I’ll have to examine what emotions are being triggered and if those emotions are limiting.

    Mercedes : Thank you for the additional background. A committed relationship for life is certainly different than dating.

    Question. If your relationship is a commitment for life, why were you concerned whether accepting a car would negatively affect this relationship?

    I really appreciate your willingness to share your dilemma. You’ve got guts! This is a great learning opportunity for us all!



  37.  #37Mercedes on June 11, 2009 at 6:29 am

    Ann: I do hope you stop back (or at least stay in touch via my blog). I worry sometimes about being blunt too…but it’s who I am so…can’t change it. I think we all give advice, thoughts, ideas and people take them or leave them. It’s not about judging or not liking someone or anything like that at all…it’s about each of us needing to do things our own way. So…we hear what others have to say and we either use that advice or say “well…that’s one way to handle it but it’s not me” and we move on. I’d love it if you’d stay but I do understand…a lot of us have taken our breaks from here time and again.

    Katja: WELCOME BACK!!! I’m so happy to see you getting stronger and healing. It’s good to see your posts again! For me, the gift isn’t so much about it being big it’s more about what it means for our relationship. It’s about changing the way I’ve always been…it’s about giving up (even if just this one time) everything I’ve worked so hard for and it scares me.

    Nelia: The reason I worry is because I’ve always been a what you see is what you get kind of girl…and he’s never seen this girl who can’t take care of herself. I believe we need to be totally honest with a man. He needs to know EXACTLY who we are when he’s dating us. I don’t believe in holding things inside of ourselves and surprising him later with a different us. An example of this is a woman who says she’s not looking for anything serious and doesn’t want to get married, etc but does it only because she thinks thats what he wants to hear and is secretly hoping that will make her more attractive to him and he’ll marry her because of that. It happens all the time, women say one thing but inside they feel another. Because I’m not like that…he knows exactly who I am. What that means is he’s always known a woman who didn’t need him to bail her out. EVER. Now…he’s offering to bail me out. If I take him up on that, is he really getting that “what you see is what you get” girl or is he getting a woman who said one thing but when push came to shove, she did exactly the opposite? That’s something I never want to do. We’ve always talked about who we are and what we want. When things change in our hearts we talk. For example, when we first met, we were just friends and wanted nothing more than that…when things changed in my heart, I went to him right away. He pulled away (as men do) and I walked away telling him I needed to end it because I had changed and he wasn’t ready to give me what I needed. He knew immediately when something was different with me. Our breakup didn’t last long because we missed each other so much and we talked and he agreed…things had changed with him too. Now we’re in a situation where things have NOT changed in my heart but accepting his help on this would give that appearance. He’d see a different woman than the one he thinks he has…and yet…I am the same. So showing him I can be someone else when things get tough isn’t (in my opinion) very attractive and sends the wrong message.

    Does that make sense?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  38.  #38Katja on June 11, 2009 at 6:39 am

    Mercedes,thank you 🙂

    I understand what you mean but I am sure there is nothing to be concerned about. You are not changing the way you’ve always been by accepting this gift-you are improving the way you’ve always been. Thats my opinion.

    All the best to you!



  39.  #39Nikita on June 11, 2009 at 6:45 am

    Maybe a man can like us more by trusting him. Trusting him to help us, and trust him to respect us more because we took a risk and just said yes, be a hero. My experience is that a man does love you more when he gives to you.

    Mercedes is still Very Independent by keeping her own place and refusing his offer to move in together. This feels stubborn to me.
    I balance spiritual independence with being dependent by accepting help. Let the man spoil you a little IF he can afford it.

    Nikita xx



  40.  #40Flipper on June 11, 2009 at 7:44 am

    So simply and well put, Katja. It feels like a possibility for expansion to me, too. It feels like risk-taking and trusting myself to evolve (in a very natural and (to me) necessary, direction for a deep interpersonal relationship). And I wouldn’t want to make my decision on ‘appearances’ or ‘what ifs’ or someone else’s unfortunate experiences which may feel/seem similar to me. It would feel like testing myself, yes, painfully, to see if I can give myself more means for adapting to the future, which No One can foresee, forestall or Control anyway.

    If this man loves and is going to continue to love, he Needs to give, not just things that give pleasure but are of no consequence, but things (material and immaterial) that count, that ensure life.



  41.  #41Flipper on June 11, 2009 at 7:59 am

    It’s not about becoming or projecting a different self. I feel it’s more like allowing a facet of oneself, the one that Needed to be taken care of as a little girl (as all children do), to develop, to exist at last without feeling the pain of deprivation, to feel the joy of having her needs met by the one(s) she loves. So she can feel deserving, and express her gratitude without resentment.



  42.  #42Flipper on June 11, 2009 at 8:17 am

    Ann, I feel so sad to hear your misgivings and doubts, Wondrous, Loving Goddess who brings me so much with her caring, strength and common sense. Embrace them and feel soothed, I feel sure all hands here will join me to comfort and stroke you. If you must leave for awhile, please don’t believe it’s from anything more than unfortunate outside circumstances, not any bad vibes on anyone’s part. Not having your insights and guidance may be a sort of test for us, but I feel it’s unfair that much of the burden may fall on you, and I feel afraid that you may feel silenced and lonely. I already feel like crying. Big, warm hugs.



  43.  #43DocK on June 11, 2009 at 8:31 am

    Ann – I feel unhappy to lose your voice. You have helped me, specifically, in the past with your advice.

    I have never done blogging anywhere before here. I think we all know that we have different opinions but I learn so much – even hearing different opinions.

    I, have also considered “leaving” at times – not sure if I “fit in” (my insecurities – there they are again) but we all have a right to be here. No one has EVER been abusive and when anything may have been misinterpreted that ANY PERSON has written (that SO happens with written word – can’t HEAR the voice or emotion behind the words) a little more clarification always worked wonders : )

    I feel lots of feelings being part of this community ranging from anger/triggered (sometimes by the guy’s behavior being disussed vs the person writing, sometimes by the topic), to laughing out loud at the wonderful expressiveness and humor of the writer to sadness.

    I also feel I should honor your decision, though, and support you. Therefore, if you feel it best to take a break feel sad and I will miss you but welcome you back when you return.



  44.  #44Linmayu on June 11, 2009 at 10:27 am

    Ann, I feel awful that I haven’t been there for you and hope I didn’t make you want to leave the party. I feel so overwhelmed with my life–I’m in a classroom getting beat over the head with math problems I don’t understand at 7:30 in the morning and I don’t really get to rest until midnight–and I feel like I can’t be there for anyone in the way that I am needed or wanted.

    It’s a step up from feeling like I’m so useless that no one wants or needs me for anything, to be sure, but that’s besides the point, which is that I knew you were going through an incredibly hard time, and yet somehow decided not to say anything because I felt scared. Financial worries scare the hell out of me, because I feel powerless to offer help or advice, but that is no excuse for me not to woman up. I will keep you and your family in my prayers, regardless of whether you come back here.



  45.  #45Daria on June 11, 2009 at 12:01 pm

    Hugs Ann! Sending you lots of Angels and Love!



  46.  #46alias girl on June 11, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    katya. i feel love and empathy. sending you faith and love. i feel grateful for your presence.

    ann. i will miss your presence also. i hope you come back.

    i feel good there are so many different perspectives on here sharing so openly and honestly.



  47.  #47Rori Raye on June 11, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    Nikita, thank you so much, and – this is a great discussion – Mercedes, if you’re reading this – seems you’ve become the subject of – to move in or not…would you like to clarify? Rori



  48.  #48Rori Raye on June 11, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    Wow, Nikita – this is huge. so beautifully, powerfully, no soft-soapily written. A good argument. Oh my, Mercedes, I think you may have met your match in feistiness here…sounds like “pushing each other to be even greater” cyber friendship to me…by the way – I don’t have an opinion here, for you, Mercedes (except about the gift) as far as moving in, etc…but if this comment is making you think at all, let me know. I DO know, however, that whatever you’re doing in this relationship is WORKING – so I give all the credit in the world to you for hanging onto yourself here…Love, Rori



  49.  #49Nelia on June 11, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    Thanks, Mercedes. That does make sense. I look forward to reading about the results of your decision.



  50.  #50Mercedes on June 11, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    Nikita: As far as moving in with him…that’s not happening anytime soon. It will probably happen eventually (we both see that) but it’s not happening right now. There’s no pressure from him to do that…just an offer. Neither of us sees any reason to hurry on that…I have an apartment and I love it and I’m not ready to give it up. No big deal for either of us…we’re taking our time.

    As far as the car goes….you are painting a picture of a very insecure man who needs a woman to faint and fawn and be his little damsel in distress so he can feel like a man. I laughed at this picture. That’s not the man I have! LOL If that’s what he was looking for, we wouldn’t have lasted a week! You need to keep in mind, he’s been with this same Mercedes for YEARS and hasn’t left me for my independence yet so I doubt I’m killing his little ego by not letting him be my daddy. He’s got lovely daughters who he dotes on. He wasn’t looking for another one when he found me and that’s a BIG part of why he’s still with me! Heehee….I just keep imagining him with a woman who constantly needs him to do this or do that or pay for this or pay for that. If he ever leaves me for her, I hope he lets me film it just for the look on his face!! 🙂

    As far as not accepting being unromantic, well…yes…but the offer isn’t romantic either. You need to understand, he’s OFFERING to help…not “begging” as you put it. We have TONS of romance and it has nothing to do with him helping me out of a tough situation. He provides for me (as he is wired to do) in so many ways. He always pays for dinner/drinks when we go out…he provides love and warmth and fun and laughter and blessings every day. Providing the money for my electric bill isn’t how we find romance and isn’t how he fulfills his need to provide.

    He’s aware of how incredibly much I admire and respect him. He feels the same about me. He admires my ambition and respects my hard work…I feel the same about him. This isn’t an issue…I can assure you of that! If this were a man whos pride rested on seeing his lady drive around in a nice car HE provided, one of two things would have happened: 1. He would have started with a woman who needed him to buy her a car (instead of dumping those who asked…he would have married them) or 2. He would have left me years ago in search of her. This isn’t something new for us. He’s been in love with this same me for a long time now. He has all my respect in the world…he knows that…and he doesn’t have to take care of my financial needs in order to prove that to himself. Trust me on this one…the guy is very, very aware of how much I respect and trust and love him. This isn’t hurting him the way you paint. He’s offering…I’m debating on whether or not this will change things for us. As Rori said…what I’m doing works, so changing it scares me.

    As far as me not being fun anymore…I don’t see that happening either. So…I have a rental this week (still had a blast with him last night) and next week I will have a repaired piece of crap car…I have every intention of having a blast with him next week too.

    It’s not at all about “who can take care of Mercedes better”…if that was the case, I’d be all up in Bill Gates’ face with my boobies. If all men are in competition with us ladies for who has the best financial means to take care of us, then only the rich survive. Men who have no money don’t deserve us because they can’t provide for us. I don’t like that concept. It’s about who SHOULD be taking care of Mercedes and whether or not I accept the offer of the car…MERCEDES SHOULD be taking care of Mercedes. It’s that simple. How do you really believe that unless a man has more money than us he’s not worthy of our love, our respect or our admiration? When we help them out financially do you really believe we’re hurting them? I guess I can’t step back in time quite that far.

    I never set my eyes on finding a rich man to buy me things. I set my eyes on finding love…no matter the money, I’ll take care of that part…and…if I had a daughter, I’d tell her the same. For those women waiting around for Prince Charming to come in and buy them a house…good luck! You’ll be lonely in your big house and fancy car. We ladies can’t all quit working and let our men pay for us…we may as well give up voting too…they make better decisions after all, right??

    I don’t mean to disrespect what you’re saying, but it doesn’t exactly (at all) coincide with what I believe. Women cannot sit back and wait for a man. We can’t be telling women out there that they aren’t accepting their man’s love if they are providing for themselves. We can’t tell women we’re putting conditions on love when we don’t want them to bail us out…it shouldn’t work that way. Women have come WAY too far to give up hard work, determination, resourcefulness and pride. I found a man who loves and respects that about me. He left countless women for having the attitude you’re describing. You’ve met the wrong man and the wrong woman to put us in that particular category.

    When it comes to taking care of me, he doesn’t decide. He’s never decided that. He’s not deciding it now. If he thought for one minute that he should be the one deciding, there would be a car in the driveway. He respects my need to make this decision on my own…that’s why he’s made the offer (no begging involved…lol). He loves me just the way I am and I love him back…just the way he is. That’s how I can HONESTLY tell him I appreciate the offer and love him so much…it’s because he knows who I am and knows I need to decide this myself and he respects that.

    I think that answers everything you pointed out…but if I come up with more…I’ll be sure to post it.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  51.  #51Mercedes on June 11, 2009 at 2:41 pm

    Oh…Rori…I forgot to tell you…all of the comments here are making me think. I’ve been thinking about it a lot anyway and I’m glad you posted this so we could talk about it. The argument as to him needing to provide for me in order to feel my love isn’t making me think but the entire conversation and knowing how many women would take the car without hesitation certainly makes me think about my own hesitation and how it is that I am so different from so many women.

    Still haven’t decided what I’m going to do in the long term. For now…J is aware that my car is in the shop and I’ll have it back this weekend and it will be running and I can afford the repairs. He didn’t look at all like he felt like less of a man because of that. When he kissed me and laughed and said “you are something else aren’t you?”…well…it sounded like a compliment…

    Oh..one more thing…so many comments about this not being sexy on my part…well…based on what happened last night, I don’t think I’ve lost my sexy with this particular man! 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  52.  #52Katja on June 11, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    Thank you,alias girl. Feels good to be here again. Even when I am not in a relationship anymore (but somehow I will always be in a relationship with my man-but there is and will always be only love and peace between us-I feel that) and I am not searching for a new one. But being here,reading,commenting helps me to grow,to get stronger,to find my way back into my life,maybe to find a new sense in life. Great to be here.

    Love,strength,happiness to all of you!
    Katja



  53.  #53Daria on June 11, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    Urggh I’m feeling a little attacked. I don’t know if I would take the car without hesitation. I guess I would hesitate if I felt worried it would hurt my relationship with my man or my self esteem.

    Then I would look at WHY I feel this would hurt my relationship or self esteem. It sounds like I may have some fears that I deal with by choosing to be independent, fears that I may want to hug and let go of so that I don’t have to feel resistant. Resistance seems to be a lot about triggers from what I have experienced about it.

    I would ask my angels for help on feeling good, clear and freeflowing about this situation.

    I would kinda WANT to accept that from a man, want to accept any gift from anyone, although a lot of things right now I know I will be triggered by and feel icky about…

    I even felt icky at one time about a man wanting to pay for me for the movies.

    Him getting me any semi-expensive gift like a small gold necklace felt like a decision of whether I should accept it.

    Also I have trouble accepting help from people sometimes because I can be a perfectionist and worry that only I can do it right… another reason is I feel worried I won’t feel accomplished if I let someone help me,,, and feel like I have to struggle to feel like I am realy something great.

    Looking forward to embracing this and melting it (like honey gold). hehe… Thank you angels for your help.



  54.  #54Mercedes on June 11, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    Oh Daria…I wasn’t trying to attack you or anyone else. I’m so sorry I made you feel that way! I just meant the majority don’t see how this can be hard for me. That’s all. I try to never attack & will be more careful with my words in the future.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  55.  #55Daria on June 11, 2009 at 4:11 pm

    Hehe Mercedes Thank you!

    I was kind of aware that you weren’t meaning to attack, I Feel attacked though. It was like a trigger for me…

    No worries… it feels interesting to me that I Felt attacked (maybe rurgh indignant…) knowing that I was not really being attacked.

    Im feeling a little confused now.

    I was practicing being honest and speaking up on it.

    Thank you so much for writing me I feel touched… awww…



  56.  #56gina on June 11, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    Mercedes, when you initially explained your situation it was facts and feelings. Now it’s lots of opinions, and I feel confused about what you’re saying sometimes. For instance, I don’t see the connection between receiving a gift from a man, and a woman’s right to vote. But, I did understand your ambivalent feelings. I’m not asking you to explain yourself – I’m saying that I understood your feelings better than I understand your thoughts.



  57.  #57Mercedes on June 12, 2009 at 6:14 am

    Gina: I’m happy to explain my feelings vs my thoughts and opinions. First, let me explain that I am very opinionated and tend to write that way as well. When I was told that since I “can’t make a decision” I should let J do it for me, that was very triggering for me (as was putting the word issue in quotes…like because it’s not an issue for some people it shouldn’t be for me…I should just let J make my decisions and there will be no “issue”). To me…if we women need to defer our tough decisions to a man, then why do we vote or have opinions on war or abortion or even choose which house to buy for that matter? It’s like saying we should just let them do it because they’re so much better at it than we are. I can’t see a comment like that and not respond. When I write here, I will always have lots of opinions…but…that’s sort of what we all do here sometimes. One of us has a question or a problem and we ask for the opinions of others. I’m not good with using feeling messages. I do speak in facts and opinions…Rori has made me feel very comfortable doing so. I appreciate you asking about it though because I don’t want to be misunderstood so if I ever say anything that isn’t clear, I want the opportunity to rephrase so you can understand what my position is.

    To update everyone, I made a decision last night. I had already been leaning in this direction, but seeing Nikita’s post….and reading the words that explain EXACTLY what I’m afraid of J seeing in me…well…it pushed it over the edge.

    I decided to turn down the car at this time. Mine will be back tomorrow and it will work find until I can save enough money to buy a better one. I explained to J how I was feeling (even read him Nikita’s post so I could show him who I’m NOT and who I don’t want him to think I am). He told me he would never see me that way but understands and respects my decision. The offer is still open if I ever need him to help…I can go to him and he’ll be there for me. And he smiled and told me he didn’t NEED to take care of me financially…he can and will help me out if I’m stuck but he’s fine and we’re fine and I’m fun and sexy no matter what car I drive or who’s paying for it. I feel very good about my decision and our discussion.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  58.  #58Rori Raye on June 12, 2009 at 10:31 am

    Mercedes – you just remind me of Bella in Twilight…she is SO fiercely independent she won’t let him do ANYTHING for her – though Edward’s a multi-multi-millionaire. It’s very frustrating for me to read (in the movie she’s softer/stronger) – and yet I adore her (as does he). For me, Mercedes, this is not so much about what HE wants and NEEDS – it’s about you and how “interdependent” you want to be. He loves you, and none of this will make a difference for him. Just please use this situation and all the emotions that go with it to shift the balance between your feelings and your thoughts, your heart and your brain – just a little. I think it will open up a lot of experience and even more joy for you. Love, Rori



  59.  #59Mercedes on June 12, 2009 at 10:44 am

    Rori: Thank you so much. You mentioned Bella before and I agree…but we have a little different take on it. In the last book, when she’s a vampire, she meets up with some humans. As a baby vampire, she “should have” gone straight for them but instead…she covers her nose and runs. She does this using her own strength and independence. Edward isn’t able to help at all…she’s quick to take care of herself before he needed to step in and rescue her. Did this bother him? Nope. He admired and loved her all the more for her inner strength. Also…in the last book, Edward buys her a car. She HATES it! A LOT! He took away her piece of crap that she loved so much and he gave her something nice. She drove it to make him feel better, but she wasn’t happy. She wasn’t true to herself and what she wanted…she did it for him and wasn’t happy doing it.

    I need to stay true to what I’m feeling. Someone said (and I think you might have said it too) that this is all about how I feel about receiving the gift that will determine what my “vibe” is later. I don’t feel good about it. It’s tearing me apart and the fear of changing my relationship with him later is the dominant feeling. If I stay true to that and I stay authentic with him, I believe I can only then make the right decision. So…I’m true to my feelings…I’m honest with him and with myself…I’m authentic…and I’ve made the right decision. Maybe someday, I’ll be in a place where I’ll be able to say “J…I need you to buy me a car” and I’ll feel good about that…this isn’t the time.

    I do so much appreciate the advice…although I made a different decision, I know that I needed to really think it through from all aspects and posting here and listening to you helped me do just that. I’m using my feelings as much as possible to, not shift the balance, but to create a balance. Before I posted here, I had thoughts and brains covering the whole thing. This allowed me to address the feelings associated with that (again, mainly fear and insecurities) and allow that balance between what I thought would happen and what I felt was best to exist.

    Thanks so much again!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  60.  #60Nikita on June 12, 2009 at 11:49 am

    Thank-you Rori, big smile and big hug to you.

    Mercedes 🙂

    Darn! I feel like maybe if I kept my mouth shut you may have accepted the car!

    silly me.
    I admit I exaggerated, clearly he’s not begging you and no he won’t be heartbroken while you drive around in your newly fixed crappy car( as you call it )

    I am very generous and when I offer to help people I feel good when it’s accepted. I feel a glow in my heart. If my offer is refused I do feel weird or dejected a little. Those feelings do color my experience and perceptions.

    I did write my post in the middle of the night from my I-phone. No proof-reading so there was a few spelling glitches and long sentences.

    You gave me the impression that you would take a car from him if he had taken the initiative and surprised you with it but since he only offered because of a perceived need you were hesitant. To me you were creating conditions. As though you only accept under certain conditions, your conditions. That’s fine, there’s always AAA to come tow you if the car breaks down again. It is all about your comfort level.

    I have personally refused many gifts and offers to help me because I didn’t want to be with the guy(sleep with him or be his girl) those are my conditions. If I am with a man for years though, I can accept help and I feel cherished all the more. My gut reaction was that you felt he was testing you to see if you were like those other women he dumped. I could be totally wrong with that feeling, I accept that.

    Also, I had a feeling you would show my post to him as I was writing it. I thought about editing it because of that but didn’t. So I feel happy the two of you had a good laugh 🙂 I don’t feel attacked in the least but a little misunderstood. Buying you a car does not make him your “daddy”. But I wouldn’t call dinners, trips, and fancy hotel rooms protecting either. I would file that as courting. The two of you seem to be committed to making each others’ lives better. I feel like he offered that, no more and no less.
    If you change your mind, since your car is repaired maybe you’d consider donating it. There must be a single mom out there who’s car broke down and she can’t afford to fix hers.

    Your blog says you’re an Aries so based on that I understand the reaction you had to my post. Fiery and independent. Not that you asked or care; but I’m a Leo, pretty fiery and independent myself.
    When I was younger I’d refuse dates if I couldn’t afford to go dutch, so the guy could never say I owed him anything. I avoided men with money so he could never say, “if it wasn’t for me….helping you, you’d be nothing”. I was always in control, always the breadwinner, and one man was even yelled at by me when he helped( I left my ATM card home and had no cash for a taxi) when he asked how much I needed and chuckled because it was so little and the exact amount(13$) I howled,”how come you can’t appreciate the fact that I don’t want your money like the rest of those women that chase you?” I feel embarassed just thinking about that :). He was a public figure so yes he was chased and targeted by many women. He looked completely bewildered, I was 20 years old then so I forgive myself. Yes, that is extreme but maybe the story can help someone else. I felt really vulnerable in that moment. I felt helpless and at his mercy, if he had said no I’d be walking home. It was scary because I did need him in that moment. Of course he gave it to me but…. I resented him for making me feel yucky and helpless. And I paid him back!!
    Hahaha, I couldn’t wait to give him the money back! To prove I didn’t need him. What a funny little girl I was.
    So after a few years of cutting down men I began to ask myself if the roles were reversed would I help him? Of course I would, so you know what, he can help me too. I know help is a four letter word but so is hope and love.
    I don’t think he dumped the women because they asked for money or help, I don’t dump my friends if they need help.
    Maybe he dumped them because he got a bad gut reaction from them, they got dumped because he didn’t want those women. I’m sure he respects you because your you. Wonderful lovable you.
    But I doubt highly that your precious independence is what gets his mojo going. If all he wanted was a powerful independent woman he’d be chasing down Madonna, and he’s not.
    sometimes being too independent is a crutch that we use to keep people at arm’s length, to avoid feeling vulnerable, to keep us from really trusting the people that love us.
    No (wo)man is an island unto himself/herself?

    Disclaimer: I do still struggle with a little guilt when the check comes at dinner, it takes a big part of me to resist at least taking care of the tip! So I excuse myself to the ladies room and reapply my lipstick. When I return I am wearing a big smile and tell him dinner was wonderful. Thank you. On my birthday I resisted going to a fabulous town where he booked the presidential suite
    ( I agonized over the money he was spending) I insisted dinner in the city with him was all I wanted,boy did he get cranky. He thought I’d be happy but I was anxious. I shut-up and we went, it is one of our best memories and bonds us closer. Afterwards he realized wow I must really be into her. The more he has invested in me and us the more his feelings have grown. And you know what he rubs in my face? That I wanted less, that I tried to stop him from going above and beyond. If it wasn’t for Rori I never would have allowed that because he is very conservative with his money. I leaned back, let him plan and gave him the final decision. He had so much fun planning the trip (I didn’t get involved at all) and playing with his GPS. He did everything.
    When it was finished he took pride in his decision making. I was surprised ( like Rori said) and impressed. He took calls from his friends and business partners and told them ” I took my girl here for her birthday”
    translation: I invested in her, I spoil her, it’s been worth it.
    funny thing is I don’t have a car, never have. I do need one, he’s said in the past we need to get you a car, my favorite car is a an 80’s model Mercedes. I love old cars! The car I want costs way less than the trip but I fight him on it. He wants me to have a reliable car so that I’m not calling him to come get me off the highway because my old Benz broke down again. He said I don’t want to have to worry about you! He thinks a new car with a warranty and crap is better, I think it’s a waste of money. I want the old charming clunker. So I have no car, two years after the conversation because I have conditions, I’m in control. I want what I want. I threatened to buy it myself and almost did but I only need it when I’m at his house to get around the neighborhood. I’m ok with him driving me 🙂 my point is his priority is for me to be protected so he doesn’t worry. I have turned down three cars from three different men. I’m learning 🙂 this time if I get the offer again I’m just going to say yes in spite of my hesitation. I love hearing him say ” I take very good care of you, I am very good to you, because I respect you. I didn’t respect the other women and that’s why I’m not with them”.
    I intend to trust his decisions and receive his protection, it makes me feel good.

    Peace and Love
    Mercedes

    I love your posts and look foward to reading more
    Nikita xxx



  61.  #61Linmayu on June 12, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    Mercedes, I feel inspired by the way you used this situation to stay true to yourself. We all told you to do one thing, and you checked in with yourself and your REAL feelings and followed them. That, I’m sure, is what keeps him all over you. It’s not about rules–take the car, don’t take the car, lean back, don’t call, whatever. Jason said it on another post with the Shakespeare quote; this above all, to thine own self be true.



  62.  #62Mercedes on June 12, 2009 at 12:38 pm

    Nikita: We didn’t have a laugh at what you said, we had a laugh at how incredibly opposite I am from that woman you described and how he would never be able to see me that way. You and I are not the same on this at all (or at least I thought…now that you tell me you’ve refused many cars it makes me feel very curious how you couldn’t understand my hesitation with it. You said I was taking away from his need to provide and protect…yet it’s what you do too…that feels a little judgemental to me).

    No matter, as I said, I was leaning in that direction anyway so that’s probably where I would have gone. It was, however, reading your post that described how a woman needs to let her man take control and make the decisions and provide for her and protect her…well…not how I feel about it and if there was even the slightest chance that he’d see in me that way (especially since I know him so well and I KNOW he absolutely DETESTS that type of woman)…I wasn’t about to take any chances with it. What you described were already my fears, so I’m sure I would have come to the same conclusion…you just helped me do it a little faster.

    When you said “you gave me the impression that you would take a car from him if he had taken the initiative and surprised you with it but since he only offered because of a perceived need you were hesitant.” …well that’s only partly right. I would have taken the car if he was the type of man who always bought me expensive gifts and if it were already a part of our lives. This isn’t about how expensive or big the gift is at all. It’s about the fact that I can provide for myself…even if it takes me longer than it would him…and the fact that I don’t NEED his money. He’s kind and generous and wonderful but we’re not even living together…we don’t share expenses…we have no intention of ever getting married…we don’t share bank statements, etc. My finances are mine and his are his and we don’t pay each other’s bills. This was breaking away from that. It’s not a condition so much as it is a part of how we are as a couple and me not being ready to change that.

    Nothing in me felt like he was testing me though…you are VERY wrong on that one. I said over and over again that I KNOW this offer is coming from his heart. That I KNOW he doesn’t see me that way. There is NO WAY I believe he would EVER put me on the spot like that to see what I would do. He knows me better than anyone in the world and he has no need to test that. I said many times I am worried about how he will feel in the future…NOT how he feels now. I know exactly how he feels now and that the offer was with only the best of intentions…I would never accuse him of testing me or trying in a sneaky manner to figure out what kind of woman I am. If he was curious about how I felt about something or what I would do (anything) he would ask. He would never try to trap me into doing, saying or believing something other than what I already do.

    And believe me, I’m not the kind of woman who turns down gifts…I love them (think I said that in an earlier post as well)…I love being treated well…I love dinners and theater and trips and all of that. Those things are things we share (he pays) and we enjoy together. Those are not things he does to bail me out of a tough situation. That’s a HUGE difference in my eyes…HUGE.

    As far as why he dumped those other women…it was in LARGE part due to them wanting to use him for his money. We’ve talked about it. I know their names and I know what they asked for/expected. There was one he thought he could eventually have something great with. She told him she couldn’t wait until they got married so she could quit working and move in with him. He never proposed to her…he never asked her to move in…it was only in his heart that he thought he’d found someone different…she showed her true colors…they fought and he’s not seen her since. It wasn’t about these women needing help (that’s for sure…he also would never dump a friend who needed help) it was about their complete and total lack of wanting to make their own lives better…he saw them seeing HIM in their lives to make it better. They could coast and he’d pay the bill. He’s a lot more attracted to a woman with ambition and pride than he is to a woman who’s searching for a husband to pay the bills. It turns him off big time. So…I know that’s not how he sees me now…but yes…that is EXACTLY why he dumped them. And yes…my precious independence is EXACTLY what gets his mojo going. He loves it…it turns him on a lot…he loves my fire and my passion and really gets excited when he sees me getting assertive when he gets to see me in a work situation (he sees the power and the respect I demand and he gets totally turned on). That’s what I meant about you painting a picture of the wrong man. This man I have has NO DESIRE to be with a dainty little lady who needs taken care of. And…I don’t think (and neither does he) that Madonna has anything on Mercedes…he’s not chasing her down because he doesn’t have to…he has beautiful firey power right in his arms anytime he wants it and he’s in love with me. Now…if I decided I didn’t want him anymore and I walked away, would he go after Madonna? I don’t know, but I’m sure she’s on his top 10 list. 🙂

    Also, you mentioned “being independent is a crutch that we use to keep people at arm’s length, to avoid feeling vulnerable, to keep us from really trusting the people that love us.” Again…not the situation here. I also posted over and over how much I trust him and how vulnerable I am with him (he knows my fears, my dreams, my strengths, my weaknesses, my goals…he knows me inside out and upside down…the good, the bad and the ugly). I trust him to love the vulnerable side of me and to cherish the not so vulnerable side as well…I believe he does just that.

    So we’re different. You struggle with guilt when the check comes at dinner and agonize over money spent on trips…I lean back and accept those things with gratitude and a smile (and probably a little love making later). You can accept help from a tough financial situation with a smile and gratitude and I will do everything in my power to take care of myself first. That’s all okay…as long as we are staying true to ourselves and our feelings, our desires and our dreams. Once we give those things up (even if for a man…maybe even ESPECIALLY for a man), we lose…big time.

    Hope this all makes sense as far as where I’m coming from…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  63.  #63Mercedes on June 12, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    Linmayu: Thank you so much for your comment!!! It made me smile BIG!!! 🙂 I know there are a lot of women out there who are going to read this and feel with everything in them that I made the wrong decision. It feels so good to know that someone recognizes that it doesn’t matter what decision I made so much as it matters how incredibly authentic that decision was. I feel strong in being able to do what was right for me despite all of the advice to the contrary. Thank you for recognizing that strength…it means a lot to me.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  64.  #64gina on June 12, 2009 at 1:34 pm

    Nikita, I like your style.
    It sounds like Mercedes was worried about losing his respect by accepting the car. Nikita has learned to accept gifts as symbols of respect. Nikita has observed that a man experiences emotional investment as he invests in tangible ways. Mercedes perceives a man’s investment as a way to compensate for a woman’s weakness. To me, Nikita’s point of view feels strong and open and receptive. Mercedes point of view feels tight and closed and isolated. Nikita’s way seems strong on the inside, soft on the outside – like Rori describes femininity. Mercedes seems strong on the outside, soft on the inside – more masculine. Rationalizing the social/political part seems irrelevant to me, cause the experience of femininity feels more pleasant.



  65.  #65Nikita on June 12, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    Mercedes,

    I completely forgot to address some of the things I wrote to you in my first post.

    Moving in together;

    I brought that up to express you are still independent by keeping your own place. I am not encouraging you to move in with him.

    Waiting for J to fix it;

    you are not WAITING! You took care of it by sending your car to the mechanic. The “issue” was already handled by you. You solved the problem by getting a rental.

    “Issue” in quotation marks;

    yeah, I think you’re being stubborn. I think you’re taking “issues” with letting “a man” help you. I think you’re too independent. I think your car being crappy and breaking down is an “issue”.
    But that’s just my opinion! This had nothing to do with you comparing yourelf to other women(even me). I would have a “issue” accepting a car from a man that I was not in a long term relationship with. I felt like we shared that agonizing feeling of “if I take this; what does it say about me, will it change my vibe/ or how he feels about me?”

    I can’t make a decision;

    Obviously you CAN make your own decisions! You always have.
    I just felt like if he offered he already made the decision. You just chose to veto his decision. My feeling was if we feel like we are in a catch-22 let him get final say. Then if he was going to see you in a different light by taking the car, you could circumvent the whole issue by defering to him. You wouldn’t even be thinking about the car if he had never opened his mouth in the first place. He is the one that would be paying, uh-yeah, that is his decision.
    He’s not having an abortion, he’s not going to cast your vote for you and he doesn’t live in your purse to tell you which coffee to order at Sta•bucks. He also doesn’t decide if you’re wearing heels today or sneakers.

    I’m saying you could co-create. “babe, I don’t know what to say to your offer, I do want a new car but I feel unsure about accepting that from you; what do you think?”

    You don’t lose power by checking in with the team. Team Love.

    Bill Gates can take better care of Mercedes?? ;

    Uh-No. When I wrote who can take better care, I meant between M and J. Not any old rich man. I meant for you to consider; are you as a woman competing with your man?
    Are you trying to prove something? Are you not conforming to traditional gender roles for the sake of non-conformity? What are you working so hard for? It’s just a car and it doesn’t have to be Xmas to accept it. For all you know Bill Gates might make his wife buy her own car!!! Money is not equal to a giving nature. Warren Buffet is not giving his grandkids anything!!!!
    Sure, you can save up for a new car. Yes you can set goals and meet them for yourself to get your own thrills. Go for it! I was only illustrating that J can do it too. Faster and he doesn’t have to save up for it. So it’s sort of futile watching you scramble to spend your girl dollars on uneccessary sacrifices (please forgive me if I sound callous). But the bottom line is he can NOW and you can’t.
    You have to wait. For you. You chose to wait, we support your decision. { I felt triggered because I wish women would stop competing with they’re mates and men in general}
    Maybe I am so totally wrong there and you’re not competitive.

    Men Needing to provide;

    no J doesn’t need to take care of you financially. But some hypermasculine men do. A metrosexual is happy to split the bills with his girl or wife. He’s feminine energy! I feel insulted when a man seeks a wife based on her income. Some do! NEED is a strong word for this. A man likes to be able to provide. Why is it taboo for a man to pay the mortgage, feed his family, and give his wife money for groceries and anything else for her and the children? Men brag all the time about what they bring to the table. It’s innate. Sure we are modern now and rare is the woman that receives a housing allowance but I dare anyone to say a man is ashamed of taking care of his family and buying his wife a new car. I listen to men very carefully and they do brag about how well they provide. It gives them status in the world “as a man”. I feel very angry at this taboo in modern culture. So although this trait in men may be conditioned out of them I am firm on feeling that subconsciously men do need it.
    Disclaimer : if a man can not afford this that’s ok!!! He provides in other ways. Maybe he can’t buy you a car ( which eats him up inside) but he’s a great mechanic! So he fixes the car for you! And will continue to as long as he’s claimed you! That is still providing! Maybe he’s not a mechanic but he gets up earlier everyday to drive you to work until WE can get this taken care of. That is still providing! And any man takes pride in that…..he “takes care of his woman” I dare say if he does not offer this help he’s toxic or in love with someone else, so run!!!

    Sexiness and the FUN factor;

    I’m sure you’re still sexy even in your refusal. I read somewhere that a woman that can say NO is woman a man can trust. I’m sure you’re still fun. I was talking about myself not being fun when I refused my ex-boyfriend’s car not you. I didn’t even know he was serious about giving me his car until we broke up. We remained friends and I saw his journal entry about it. Hindsight is 20/20. when I read it I looked at him and thought wow, he did care. He wanted to marry me but I didn’t want to be tied down so early. Still the relationship taught me a lot. I can see the ways made it harder to love me by being a little über independent porcupine. I like interdependence much better.

    Twilight; I saw it, didn’t read the book but if Edward got her a car but she preferred her old crappy car that she loved of course I understand she was upset. He sort of forced his agenda on her when she was already happy. Her crappy car was priceless and irreplaceable. I didn’t get the impression that Mercedes loved her old car. It seemed to me you would love a new car, your dream car. So why can’t we let dreams come true?
    if you really love your car and prefer it to a new one then yes, I stand behind you
    One hundred percent. I think J was just offering you peace of mind and a solution, he doesn’t want to see you going through the aggravation of ” my car is in the shop….again”.

    Nikita xxx



  66.  #66Mercedes on June 12, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    Gina: I can appreciate your take on this…some would accept a car, others wouldn’t. That part doesn’t matter to me. Yes, I worry about losing his respect. It means so much to me and I don’t feel comfortable taking chances with it. That’s okay. It’s about how I’m feeling. About me…not what someone else would do. Also, Nikita’s observations that a man experiences emotional investments as he invests in tangible ways is really cool. I like that she’s seen that. I personally haven’t seen it within my own relationship and my relationship is the one that means the most to me right now. My man experiences emotional investments as we spend time together laughing and crying and holding each other and making love and playing and singing. He doesn’t get emotionally closer to me the more he buys me. Again…that’s all cool. We all have different relationships and mine is right for me and Nikita’s is right for her and Rori’s is right for her and on and on and on…I love that about people. We all have different experiences and personalities and loves and losses. Those things are what makes us different. That’s why I can respect the point of view you have and the one Nikita has and the one Rori has yet still remain authentic and do what’s right for me and my relationship.

    You did make one assumption that is a complete incorrect statement when referring to me (in my situation as it stands right now):

    “Mercedes perceives a man’s investment as a way to compensate for a woman’s weakness”. Nope. Not at all unless he’s providing for us because we’re not strong enough to do so ourselves. My man invests so much in me and it has nothing to do with my being weak. I take those investments with gratitude and love and appreciation and respect.

    Now…if I’m too weak to take care of myself and he needs to invest so I’ll be okay? Yes, at that point, I’m admitting to being weak.

    And I’m really good with being strong on the outside and soft on the inside. It’s how I like me. It’s also why I spend so dang much time at the gym! LOL 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  67.  #67gina on June 12, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    thanks for your response mercedes. Sounds like you are at peace with your decision. The part about the investment=weakness, I was referring to the car. It seemed that accepting the car would be letting him take care of you in a way that seemed to feel like defeat to you. no?



  68.  #68Mercedes on June 12, 2009 at 2:34 pm

    Nikita: I’ll address each point here in order…lol…we both seem to have a lot on our minds and I can’t keep track! 🙂

    Moving in together: Glad you weren’t encouraging. From Rori’s question to me about “should you/shoud you not move in” being a topic here and asking me to ellaborate, I thought I should. No biggie.

    The issue is not the car at all. I can (and have) taken care of that. The issue to me was how accepting his offer could potentially change us. That issue is real (to me) and important (to me).

    Yep..I’m stubborn and independent (but I don’t necessarily believe in “too independent”…my opinion).

    I can’t make a decision? Well…those were your words….exact quote: “Men also like to make decisions, so of your scared of repurcussions( losing some projection of yourself) let him take over. Let him decide. Let him know it is entirely up to him whether he buys you a new car. You can’t decide.” I took what you wrote and went with it. I feel like you did a good job of explaining this later when you talked about it being late, etc. I took it in a way you didn’t mean it. I’m sorry for that…it triggered me and I went with it.

    He didn’t make a decision though. He made an offer. I didn’t veto anything. He asked if I wanted him to buy me a car. I thought about it, talked about it, felt about it and said no. No decision was made by him…he let me do that part and I love and appreciate him for it.

    Your answer to what I could have said to him “babe, I don’t know what to say to your offer, I do want a new car but I feel unsure about accepting that from you; what do you think?” Yep…that’s pretty much how the conversation went. Not word for word, but…yes…that’s the gist of it. He and I talked and talked and talked. The team was involved.

    Bill Gates. When you said this is a competition “who can take care of Mercedes better?”, I took it to mean who can afford it. Well…Bill has more money than J so if that was the only issue, I picked the wrong guy. Again…maybe I misunderstood what you were trying to say.

    J and I compete all the time. We love it.

    I’m not conforming to traditional gender roles because I don’t believe they are right for everyone (me specifically). It has nothing to do with it being just for the sake of non conforming.

    I’m working hard because I want to. Because I get a charge out of it. Because it makes me strong, happy and proud. Yup…it gives me thrills and yup…I’m going for it.

    I know J can do it too and I know he can do it faster. My girl dollars are being spent the way I want to spend them. I earned them and will allow everyone the futile experience of watching me scramble while it happens.

    I don’t mind waiting. I’m sorry you wish women would stop competing with their mates. I like it. Yes…you’re right…I’m competitive.

    I don’t think it’s taboo at all for a man to pay the mortgage, feed his family, and give his wife money for groceries and anything else for her and the children. I’m not in a traditional role with J. I’m not living with him and I’m not married to him so I can’t really comment on how I should be as his wife or what would make him happy as my husband or how he’d feel about taking care of me if we were married. That’s a non-issue for us.

    My man did offer to help so he’s not toxic or with someone else and I see no need to run. Looks like we agree on this one. LOL 🙂

    My mistake again on the sexy fun thing. I thought you were using your experience as an example of how my situation is similar.

    Nope…don’t love my car…but…I do love the thought of setting a goal and buying myself one as soon as I can! 🙂 Maybe Bella and I aren’t so similar after all…lol

    I agree, J was offering me peace of mind and a solution. I chose aggravation. I hope it will make me and us stronger in the end.

    Okay…I think I address everything. Hope this clears it up.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  69.  #69Mercedes on June 12, 2009 at 2:36 pm

    Gina: Sorry…was typing when you asked your last question. I don’t necessarily think accepting the car would feel like defeat (although maybe it would…not sure). It was more about how much my vibe would change which would then change us. I’ve never relied on his money. If I did it this time, I was afraid I would change which would then in turn change us. I don’t want to take chances with a good thing…it wasn’t an easy decision…just the right one for me.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  70.  #70Nikita on June 12, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    :)) mercedes,

    I just saw your response. I only felt a little guilty not paying when I am not that involved with a man. I feel great now!

    I did agonize over the trip, it was the money but more so that he wanted to drive for four hours in traffic when he was tired and took off time from work. Flying wasn’t practical as our destination was too close. We did not want to sit in an airport! And Wait!!!

    I pay my own rent, we do not live together, I have had a few emergencies where I needed to be bailed out but I refused and figured something out. My sweetie likes that. I like feeling competent. ( I can’t, and never have asked my parents for anything) I do not get expensive gifts from him. But there was one time he really saved me. I feel like I could have done it on my own but it started to feel ridiculous not letting him exert his protection and it seemed like he suffered more than I did when I was working six days a week and too tired or stressed out to see him. I used to be very assertive and fought all of my own battles but now…..I feel soft. If we are out together and someone is rude or gets an attitude I could shut them down and put them in their place easily but I let go and cuddle up to him while he steps up and fights for me. This allows me to feel comfortable in pretty dresses and heels, always. I feel delicate and I never raise my voice in public or get aggravated. I am just totally and fully a girl.
    For me it is a huge relief. I feel more fully myself. He told me I was always very much a woman with him without even trying. I don’t know what that means but it felt like a compliment.
    I don’t try. I don’t try to do anything. I like dressing up and I love feeding him. I love that I am with someone that is Old Fashioned.
    I don’t know if I could quit working if I was married, I love having my own money too much. I have a minor shoe addiction to support 🙂 but I would get creative about a happy medium. Either I’d work part-time or do something with very flexible because secretly I want to devote myself to marriage. I like grocery shopping and cooking. I want to feed him. I even take pride in ironing! And laundry! And if I ever have children, I am not working unless it is a necessity. I don’t really want them but…..I don’t want strangers watching them or a television teaching them about values. My parents divorced and I hated coming home to an empty house. When my mother went to work I felt rejected. I was a latchkey kid from the age of 8. It sucks. My mom was always tired she was and is a major career woman. She has two houses and a nice car. She is alone. My dad remarried and he and his wife have eachother. I admire them. Their house is warm and feels lived in. My mom’s house is empty and feels cold. She eats alone but she has her beloved independence she fought so hard for and two empty houses!!! Success!!! She taught me never depend on a man never get married. She is very masculine but looks feminine. My dad is a good man, she didn’t have to work he took care of everything. She was home with me and I didn’t know how good I had it until she filed for divorce because she wanted to work. My dad would have let her work but she saw it as either or. She wanted her freedom. She’s free alright.

    So yes we are different, you’re right. I want to devote myself to a man. I am interested in marriage. I want to stay home, make my own clothes and plan meals. I want a tomato vine. I am over this career woman stuff and I used to be a workaholic ( so funny ).sitting in a cubicle or at a desk is not fulfilling for me. Having my boss hit on me or fighting for my boundaries with coworkers is exhausting to me. When I get home I’m so revved up with masculine energy I feel like a stranger to myself.

    But maybe you are happy with that!!! Good for you and I’m very glad your man gets a kick out of it.

    And my man is a bit of a barbarian in a good way 🙂 he’s my caveman that drags his knuckles on the floor. Very cute!



  71.  #71Daria on June 12, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    I feel interested in bein able to put rude strangers in their place… i imagine Mercedes and Nikita being able to do this…

    i feel so icky when sometimes i just feel Frozen and kinda spaced out my body when ppl are rude



  72.  #72gina on June 12, 2009 at 4:23 pm

    Daria, are you referring to them as strangers being rude to each other?? or are you dealing with rude strangers and feel inspired by how Mercedes and Nikita stick to their guns?



  73.  #73Daria on June 12, 2009 at 4:52 pm

    hehe Gina…

    I mean just strangers in general and yes feel inspired… well not so much by how Mercedes and Nikita are sticking to their guns here on the blog… although that’s cool too

    but by how they are able to so confidently and surely say that they feel comfortable standing up to rude or whatever people at work or in public



  74.  #74Nikita on June 12, 2009 at 11:39 pm

    Daria,

    I just had a random thought I’m going to, maybe you’ll read it. I find that when I wear a dress strangers are actually nicer to me!
    Little old ladies smile at me and sort of give me a silent nod. Older men say ” hello young lady “. Men my age…..well they live for it! It’s so rare to see a woman not wearing denim in my city that they usually are very drawn in but not in a scary way for me. I feel more respect. The younger guys and teenagers are much better behaved. I appear much younger than I am so if I wear jeans I get whistles and all sorts of attention I don’t like. As if I need some sixteen year old kid asking for my number! Yuck
    But when I wear a dress as they pass me on the sidewalk they say ” pardon me, miss “. I love that!!!!! No fighting needed! No explaining that I’m not what you think I am so no, you cannot have my number, or fighting his ideas that he’s mature in other areas and I should” try it “! Double yuck.
    I behave better as well, I smile more and let people open doors for me. In any case I get the same amount of attention regardless of what I wear, but if it’s a skirt the quality of attention is better. Men just don’t behave in a vulgar fashion.

    now, those less than stellar customer service people can really throw a girl off-balance with their rudeness. I do feel spacy when that happens but something clicks inside of me. I focus on the fact that I am still a child of divinity and so are they and maybe they’ve forgotten. So I look them in the eye and say “I beg your pardon”? Or ” are you serious right now “?. They usually correct themselves and if they don’t, I might laugh and say are you kidding me right now”?. I may remind them on the correct way to do their job or to mind their manners. I might just ignore it and pity them. I keep my standards high in the way I treat people.
    I expect the same in return. If I can I just walk away in the middle of what I don’t want to hear. ( but I have that luxury because of the city I live in ) there’s always another place I can take my business. Hope that feels good for you Daria.

    Nikita xx



  75.  #75Tracy on June 12, 2009 at 11:49 pm

    Nikita,
    I feel so triggered by the story you shared about your mum….I feel confused as to wether we choose to be alone or is it that life circumstances wether intentionally caused by us or not direct us to this kind of life…..
    I was having a session with my coach the other day and discussing my dating progress and she asked me if i wanted to get married or not in the future…..I said yes as i feel that settling down with a man who loves me and wants to build a good relationship with me would feel great….
    However she switched the question and asked me maybe i don’t want to settle down and get married andmaybe i want to live and end up alone……she was pointing out as an option that i would want to consider and i felt scared and angry that she would suggest that!
    I felt so scared of even considering it as an option,and later on i realized i fear this eventuality…
    I also fear that it may happen to me….i fear if it does happen i will feel so miseable and let down by life..

    Now that i realize this fear exists inside of me and has definately partly contributed to my previous broken relationships i am working on identifying its root cause…why i feel so scared….and maybe heal from there….i would love to feel that i have the option to live a married life or a single life out of option not out of circumstances….



  76.  #76Nikita on June 13, 2009 at 1:04 am

    Hi Tracy,

    My Mum had about three engagement rings after her divorce.
    Attracting men that were serious about her did happen but she was adamant about her lifestyle. She never remarried. She had a boyfriend for 6 years the last I heard. She would dump him and take him back, not because he was bad but because she….. I don’t know. Wants to be alone, wants to exert her power, wants to control, doesn’t need anyone…she’s quirky that way. So yes I feel it is her choice. He has his house and she has hers. I’d like to say she does what makes her happy but she’s not happy. I feel like it is absolutely a choice! FYI my girlfriends grandma remarried at 72 after being a widow. She put on her lipstick and her pretty dresses and carried herself as a lady. She attracted a lovely wonderful man that appreciated the company of a woman.
    It is always possible if it’s a priority treat it as such and feel the faith. It can happen for you. It is your decision.

    Nikita
    xxx



  77.  #77Cassandra on June 13, 2009 at 8:20 am

    Mercedes….Sorry I have been sort of out of the loop for a couple of days and am so far behind! I just want to tell you that no matter what you do…I thought though that I had skimmed over a post saying that you had decided NOT to take the car….no matter what you decide…I support your decision. Just being given the opportunity to read and follow along on the post/s here has taught me so so much so thank you for sharing your experience with us all.

    Nikita….I absolutely loved what you wrote in your first post waaaaaaay up above about how you see men and their behavior. I thought that was awesome and so right on!!

    Ann…I feel so sad to lose you from here. You have truly helped ME so much and always shared openly and so honestly what has been on your heart when you have responded to one of my posts….I will miss that more than you could know. I feel awful that you have been feeling left out or as though you did not belong because for me – and I think that everyone here would agree with me here -every single Goddess here brings something so rich, so unique and so beautiful to each one of the rest of us that there would be/ will be a hole where you used to be. I would feel so happy if you chose to stay but I will respect your decision to leave us if even for a time. Know that you and your family are definitely in my thoughts and prayers and I am still believeing wholeheartedly that Alias Girls’ wish for you WILL COME TRUE! I send you so much love and a huge hug!! XOXOXOXOX

    Tina….I can so relate to your post above about the fear that you feel. I know tha I feel it too and at times have even verbalized it which I am really trying NOT to do anymore! I think that we are SOOOOOOO not alone in this fear as a matter of fact I spoke with a very dear male friend of mine the other day and we have had many long conversations on just this very topic and even HE feels this way so I know that it is more common than we realize…..even in men. It scares me to death sometimes especially in the situation that I am in….with my life being on hold pretty much in every single way. I feel like I can’t really even circular date the right way because of my situation althoughI am trying to get out there a little bit and do the best that I can with that. I think about it every single day and fear that my time is passing me by and that I feel helpless to change it until i can find a job/ income and get back my independence. Which brings me to another thought….Gina….I feel the same way that you do in a way about depending on a man……I WANT to be able to depend on my man to take care of me and provide – not to say that I desire to sit on the couch all day , eat bon bons as Rori says and watch days of our lives but I DO want my man to be the provider but perhaps this is part of why I am in the situation that I am in….I am quite sure that I am still here because there is something that I have yet to learn…I DO want to be dependent in SOME ways…like knowing that come hell or high water that my man is there for me…..that I will never have to go thru another surgery alone…ever again! Stuff like that and even more financially but I DO want to contribute and feel that I am adding something so deeply special to my man’s life that he can’t live with out it/ me. I still haven’t given up on that but it does feel so very very far away right now. Tina…..I trly do believe that you will find it because you are here and doing lots of work to create it in your life so defintiely believe that you WILL have what it is that you want!! Love to all….
    Cassandra



  78.  #78cookie on June 13, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    This post and all the comments triggered me in a weird way. It has taken a very long time for me to be able to receive even a little bit from a man or anyone. It still hurts my spirit to ask for help of any kind. I am independent. And yet I am learning that men should give in a variety of ways and that I deserve to receive what they give me because they decided to give it. I am struggling with this especially now.
    I created a playlist on my Ipod of male singers singing R&B love songs. Even in that it is hard to just listen and take in the love rather than sing along or give back. But when I find myself singing along, I tell myself to stop and listen to the worlds and imagine that man or my man was saying those things to me. When I’m able to do this, it makes me feel good.
    I have been on both ends of the spectrum with the gift giving thing. My guy of 7plus years was in crisis around the 2nd year of our relationship and I helped him. I did it because I felt like it was the right thing to do but I think that was a significant moment in our relationship and helped shift our relationship downward. I realized what was happening and decided never to do that again. And i haven’t. Recently, he mentioned that one of the reasons he is hesitating to move the relationship forward is because I said that I don’t want to care of a man. I did say and I meant it, I don’t feel bad about saying it. Because honestly when women bail men out these men don’t appreciate it. They take the help of course but it doesn’t make the relationship better, it makes the man resentful and adds some level indebtedness.
    On the other hand, a few years ago, my guy proposed to me. I took the ring but I felt not ready and told him. He asked for it and I gave it back. Part of me felt afraid for taking something from him that costs so much. MY old stuff kicked in about feeling like wearing it would mean that I would owe him something, that I would have to be less of me or something else because I was wearing it and he bought it. That whole thing really hurt our relationship alot. I don’t know if he’s recovered from it, i haven’t.
    If I were in Mercedes situation, I would hope that I would be open to receiving such a beautiful gift, that I would see my man’s intention and love for me, and that I would appreciate him for wanting to help me and protect me. I don’t know and have never seen any man in my life or any one else that I know lives that have been able to do something like this for their women. I know alot of men that say if they had it they would but these men never have it and haven’t do. I would feel floored.
    I feel a little jealous that Mercedes has this situation to struggle with. I’m just being honest.



  79.  #79Ann on June 13, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    Hello ladies I’ve been away from posting on the blog for a few days. But after reading your comments here and talking to a couple of you off the blog I’ve made some realizations.

    I was withdrawing from the blog for 2 reasons. 1- Alot of you know I have some major crap going on in my life right now. Husbands medical issues, home being sold, no money to move at moment…. I was feeling maybe these things didn’t belong here. But you know what I’ve always said I felt this blog and Rori’s teachings were first about our relationship with ourselves then others. The stressess going on right now effect my relationships, so to me it would be smart to let my feelings out here and hopefully recieve support from others through this which brings me to my second reason for withdrawing.

    2-I was feeling that because my emotions are so raw right now my bluntness might offend someone. I’d never intentionally hurt someone’s feelings. So ladies please if I say something something that bothers you or hurts your feelings please let me know so I can explain or apologize. I won’t know unless you speak up.

    Ok I have a question about this post but I’m going to post it in a different comment.



  80.  #80Ann on June 13, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    Rori I have a question for you or rather I’m asking you to help me understand your advice to Mercedas in this post.

    As I’ve said over and over I feel you teach us to be authenic. Do what feels good to us. To speak from our hearts. To focus on ourselves, set and trust our boundaries. That the things you teach work for all relationships we are in. Have I misunderstood something somewhere? I feel confused here.

    The perception I got in this post was Mercedas was being advised to not trust her feelings and what felt good to her. To recieve the car because J wanted to give it to her. BTW I feel J is a really good man who knows how to MAN UP.

    Mercedas I feel you did a good job of being authenic. You weren’t comfortable, it didn’t feel good to you and you remain true to how you felt. Good Job!

    I personally didn’t believe Mercedas(which she can verify) should accept the gift until or unless she felt comfortable doing it.

    BTW Jason Savage thank you for reminding me in all my stresses right now of the words “To Thine Ownself Be True.”



  81.  #81Nikita on June 13, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    Aaaw Ann,

    I know you want Rori to answer but my heart is reaching for you. I am totally one of the people that felt good about Mercedes accepting the car. I am not Mercedes and only she knows what’s right for her. I read her post and really got the impression that she was struggling with the “how can I feel good about this?”
    Because she said they were committed for life, I felt like how could she not accept? It felt completely ethical to me in the context of their relationship. I was not clear that she was not feeling good about it until we discussed it. I feel like she ultimately listened to her heart and I respect her for it. Her vibe was the priority, and I feel like I understand her vibe is that kick-butt kind of girl that challenges herself to be better and stronger, and overcome obstacles in life through her own merit. My not understanding that led me to speak up, as though I wanted her to save time and avoid mistakes I made. Maybe I was feeling maternal and protective of her. Don’t know but I’m grateful that she did stick to her feelings without being swayed!

    I personally can handle any crankiness or bluntness you can throw out. I feel so soft and gooey when I see your name, I feel like we are all very compassionate and accepting here even if we don’t agree.

    I’m hoping for miracles with you and your husband. I don’t know what your faith is but there’s a great female writer who wrote “The Game of Life and How to Play it” you can google it when you have Internet, a lot of it is free because it’s public domain-I think. But there is some beautiful stuff there that I hope resonates with you. If it doesn’t I accept you telling me it’s not your cup of tea.
    The writer is Florence Scovel Shinn give or take my spelling error on her name but you can read some online at no cost, IF it feels good to you.
    My life got magical when I practiced it, I wish I had stayed vigilant 🙂

    Kindest Regards;
    Nikita



  82.  #82Ann on June 13, 2009 at 8:34 pm

    Thank you Nikita. Your kind words feel very good to hear. I have google coming up as I write. I consider myself no particular faith. I believe God works in many different ways altho, my faith at the moment is shaky. I can admit that because God knows it anyway.

    This post feels confusing and conflicting to what I percieved Rori’s tools and words to mean. At first I tried to give Mercedas solutions how to accept the gift but as I spoke with her and read her post each time she answered a comment I realized she was saying I’m not comfortable with this. I could hear her saying this doesn’t feel good to me. I could hear how appreciative she was of J’s offer and knew he’d fix it in a instance if or when it felt good to her. I knew they were being open and honest with each other.

    I’m one of the ones who was saying I feel you shouldn’t accept it until/unless you get to a place you feel good about it.

    I’m glad she’s made her decision for now based on her feelings. I do hope Rori will elaborate futher on this.

    Now to look on google thank you again.



  83.  #83Linmayu on June 13, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    I am triggered by rudeness tonight. I was at a friend’s wedding, and seated between another friend’s husband and a man I’d never met, and the guy I didn’t know started having a passionate conversation with my friend’s husband. As if I wasn’t even there. Didn’t introduce himself to me, didn’t ask if it was OK with me, nothing. I felt awful. I asked my friend’s husband if he wanted to switch seats and said I didn’t like being talked around, but nothing really happened from that, and the other guy kept talking. So I left and went to another area and just sat by myself and felt as miserable as I was feeling, and eventually I got to feeling a little better and another friend’s husband came up to check on me. He asked if I was OK and I told him I was not OK, and explained what happened and that I felt awful and invisible and like I don’t matter to anyone. He was very kind and sympathetic and of course then I cried and my mascara ran all over the place, and then another friend came and joined us and I felt a lot better.

    That’s what feeling messages are supposed to be like! I totally get it now. In the past I would have done some sort of indirect bitching and whining and creating drama. This felt much better. I’m happy I got to practice feeling messages with a pretty awful-feeling situation and get such a positive response.

    The guy who had been rude to me walked up with his girlfriend and kind of gave me this half smile of acknowledgement, and I gave him a dirty look in return because I still felt angry. Maybe that wasn’t very vulnerable of me, but it was at least authentic. In the past I think I’d have smiled back and felt gross inside and continued to want his attention. I’ve come far…but I have so far to go I feel discouraged and disheartened.



  84.  #84Tracy on June 13, 2009 at 11:07 pm

    Nikita,
    I realize that what i need to realy work on is my vibe….How i feel about myself is projected outwards and ultimately affects how others treat me…..I have for a long time not felt okay with what i was and where i was placed in my life…..Hence the difficult time i have been experiencing with my relationships with the world…..
    I do have to work on my esteem/self confidence and be strong enough to express my feelings as they are with confidence….
    I used to brag to my friends that i could fit in any social class….It is a good thing but i realized that i tend to go with what others prefer and fit into others preferences and forget my own….I blend in so well with most people but only because i am so good at neglecting my own needs and just moving on with the flow…
    I sat down the other day just to try and identify which hang out places I would like to go to myself….where doi enjoy eating,shopping…where do i feel cormfortable relaxing….
    It would feel great having so many proposals to choose from when it comes to men or jobs and way of life…but your post made me realize that its all about confidence and knowing what you want…that is very attractive…



  85.  #85Tracy on June 13, 2009 at 11:29 pm

    Ann,
    I am really glad you are back.I have learnt so much from your posts and i’ve always felt inspired by your point of view….
    I guss by expressing our feelings our feelings we help others learn more about themselves….

    Linmayu,
    I am so glad for you and i feel happy that you let your feelings flow and felt so much relief afterwards….



  86.  #86cookie on June 14, 2009 at 7:04 am

    I know this thread is mostly about Mercedes and her gift but i need to be heard right now and I don’t know where else to post. a part of me feels really uncomfortable right now because I don’t want it to be like “oh there’s cookie again with the same old shit” but this is the web and we all do it so I don’t feel that bad.

    So lately, I been having these really bad feelings. Many of the feelings might be due the fact that the weather is changing and another summer is coming and I’m not physically where I want (need to at this point) be. I’m feeling completely drained after 10 months of teaching full time, working additional jobs, and going to school. I just want it all to stop for one minute so I can rest and think about something else. I feel so upset with myself for neglecting me again, for putting me last on the list of priorities, etc. I saw a video of recent self and I felt like I was looking at somebody else, I can’t believe it and yet I obviously can because I’ve been on the scale and I know that the numbers are there for a reason, whether i want to pretend to see them or not.

    the worst feelings I have been having are about my relationship. I feel so detached and separate from my guy and yet I feel so much love for him. I woke up this morning in tears and could not stop crying for a hour. I keep thinking (in the back of my head) that if i was smaller, prettier, more put together, if I had maintained me all these years than I would not feeling this way. Because he would want me and want to be with me and we could have the life I always dreamed about. But I have been all those things in the past and they don’t make a man stay or love you more. It just makes him attracted to your surface momentarily.

    I had gotten to the place where I felt like forget it, I don’t care if men like me or not. But that is not true at all because I have always wanted men to find me beautiful, but more importantly I want them to stick.

    Reading Rori and writing on and reading this blog has helped me grow in ways I didn’t know. I believe that I will accomplish my weight loss goals this year, I know I will. But this time, I will know how to handle the attention that I will be getting from men (something I wasn’t able to do in the past), I feel so much stronger on the inside and I know that I will handle myself and my boundaries better than ever. That is the woman I want to be in the 30’s decade of my life.

    But right now, in this minute, I feel terrible. I feel awful that I am in a long term relationship with a man that is not trying to be with me. I realized this morning through my tears that that is a must/need for me. I want a man that will travel with me, but I need a man that wants to be with me. My guy wants to be with me but it’s on his time, his schedule. He doesn’t call me on Fridays and on Saturdays if he does it’s not to go out but to come over and sleep in his bed with him. I mean he doesn’t say that but that’s what it is. I come because I feel like going most of the times, because I feel lonely, because those moments are apart of the vision I want for my relationship (going to sleep and waking up with the person you love), because I have nothing else or nobody else. (i guess this is Rori’s intermittent rewards)
    But I feel like the relationship that I wanted is crumbling right in my face and it is wrecking havoc on my self worth, I can’t even lie. I have worked hard to maintain the things that are important to me over the past almost 8 years, like traveling, trying new things, taking classes, taking care of myself financially, having friends but I still feel like my identity is very much wrapped around him and this relationship. When I moved back to NY from DC 8 years ago, he was basically the first man I was with seriously and he has been it for almost my entire 20’s. I have been through hell and back with this man and I’m feeling devastated that at this point he can say to me that if I want to leave I can go because he’s not ready to have children or commit to marriage or move out of his mother’s house. I know that Rori’s remedy is to circular date…

    But I really don’t think I am ready to do that. I have been emotionally attached to this man for all these years and to have to leave or let him walk away is causing me so much pain. in the other thread, i posted that i was unsure of whether he was having an affair or not. I feel anger and jealousy towards him for having the audacity to look for something and maybe find something else. I feel so effing insecure that I can’t make any man want to stay with me, not even one I’ve been with for almost a decade, not even one that knows how special I am. What chances do i have with strangers. I’m so tired of giving all my love away. I want love, dammit. I want someone to love me so much that hanging out friends or disapproving family or exes or hangups don’t matter. I want someone that I don’t have to wonder about his love because it’s right there every day for me to see it and feel it.

    I don’t know what to do with my guy right now. I can’t walk away from this, I have to just stand still on my bridge and see what happens. I don’t know if things could change. I don’t know if he will ever go back to that guy that I fell for in the beginning. I already told him that I want to be married, that I don’t want to be a baby’s mom, that I want a whole family. He may never step up again.

    But really I decided that I don’t want to ever wake up from my rest crying about a man that doesn’t show me enough that he loves me or a man that doesn’t love me enough to show me. I decided that in this decade I’m not going to compete with other women or men, that whatever I’m not is significantly outweighed by everything that I am and I don’t intend on feeling bad about myself, no matter where I am in my process. I decided that I will not concern myself with what will be with him or any man.

    See Rori, I am listening. But I’m still stuck, how do i really do this? Cuz, see I’ve taken enough classes to get almost another degree, I work like crazy, I have friends, etc. So what is there to do? Has anyone else been here? Can anyone relate to what I’m experiencing? What did you do?



  87.  #87Mercedes on June 14, 2009 at 7:43 am

    Nikita: You said: “I pay my own rent, we do not live together, I have had a few emergencies where I needed to be bailed out but I refused and figured something out. My sweetie likes that. I like feeling competent. ”

    I don’t understand how this, combined with telling me you’ve turned down three cars from men you were involved with…well…I struggle to see how you could not empathize with my situation. You actually told me that hanging on to my apartment and not moving in with him was a little dramatic. It sounds like you also have trouble letting a man do what he’s wired to do. You also have issues with moving out of the way of the blessing. I’m not the only one here who has turned down a car. It sounds like I’m not the only one who can’t let my man make my decisions for me. You paint a picture of yourself as an independent woman…yet…you’ve met another one and you fill her with advice you don’t apply to your own life. This is triggering for me.

    And you said: “Having my boss hit on me or fighting for my boundaries with coworkers is exhausting to me. When I get home I’m so revved up with masculine energy I feel like a stranger to myself.

    But maybe you are happy with that!!! Good for you and I’m very glad your man gets a kick out of it. ”

    This isn’t my case AT ALL. My boss does not EVER hit on me and I don’t have to fight for my boundaries with my coworkers. I have a wonderful job. Remember, I told you I LOVE my job. What you’re saying above is not something I would/could EVER love (or put up with for that matter)…I would have my resume out to everyone who could read in order to get myself out of that situation…and my J would NEVER EVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS get a kick out of that!!! Please don’t insult him or my relationship that way…he’s not that kind of man and he would go absolutely CRAZY if I were in that situation!!!

    Daria: Yes..I have no trouble calling strangers out and putting them in their place when they get rude…no trouble at all. So…if you ever want me to talk to a lady at the shoe store for you…well…give a holler. I’m on it for ya baby! 🙂

    Cassandra: You are so sweet. Thank you for understanding my need to be true to myself and authentic with all of my decisions…not just the easy ones.

    Cookie: I appreciate your honesty. I hope you can see by my responses that I really, really do appreciate his offer and am ever so grateful to have him in my life. I don’t take that for granted…I know how lucky I am. I also understand the jealousy. It’s one of the reasons I went to Rori outside of this blog first. I didn’t want to trigger anyone by making them think I was ungrateful and looking a gift horse in the mouth. I realize we are all different and we all have different needs. I knew right away what this hesitation could sound like to others. And that’s why I’m glad you said what you said. Feeling jealous of my situation right now is a pretty normal response I think. I feel jealous too sometimes when I hear other stories. There are going to be times when each of us thinks “wow…I wish I were in her shoes right now”…you have the courage to write it and post it though. I really admire that. Again, thank you so much for the honesty.

    I also want to tell you Cookie…my heart goes out to you so much. You are in a place where I’ve been…it hurts so much and I’m so very sorry. It’s hard to love when we feel like we’re loving alone. I wish I had advice for you. When it happened to me, I walked away. I walked away from a marriage that was just like you describe. He ended up wanting me back, but by then, I was so emotionally detached I couldn’t go back. I didn’t want him anymore. And…I walked away from J when he got this way too. When he wanted me back, I wanted the same thing and we worked it out. I don’t know if walking away is the answer, but I do know that when I have done that in the past, it was the most painful, horrible, sad, depressing time in my life (both times…with the marriage and with J…nothing about that was easy and I thought I was going to die). I don’t know what to tell you at all…I just know that I too have cried myself to sleep because I didn’t know how to bring back the man of my dreams or how to bring back the relationship I so wanted. I guess now, I feel like no man is worth that many of my tears. If J did it again, I’d walk again. I have to be happy and I refuse to let a man take that away from me. I’d much rather go through the pain of leaving so I knew that as time went on, I’d find something better than to be in a relationship that was unfulfilling to me in the hopes that someday he’ll change. I’m so sorry for you…and I really, really wish I had the right words to say.

    Ann: Yes…you have been wonderful. Our exchanges here and via private emails meant the world to me. I could tell at first, you were all over me accepting the gift. Then…I could tell as soon as you realized how much my relationship means to me and how wrong it felt to do something outside of what I was truly feeling in my heart. I appreciate you noticing and I appreciate you having the courage to come here and ask your questions. Thank you.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  88.  #88Rori Raye on June 14, 2009 at 11:00 am

    Hi all – I need to step in here to make sure that I stay in “boy” mode here so that you can all stay in “girl” mode. I so appreciate the debate here, and bless you, Mercedes, for your willingness to be at the center of it, and I also appreciate your willingness to point out the inconsistencies in comments around your situation. I also know that it’s my job to be the “boy” here, and that if I don’t you will all go there, and I want to prevent that from happening, but can’t always get here in time…so – I want to really force you all, even under stress and triggering and strong opinions, to keep this a safe place no matter what’s going on and ALWAYS speak from how YOU feel – and not as an opinion or “defense” – but as an acknowledgment of the triggering and the anger!!! Try – “Wow – I felt so angry when I read the part about…….from…..it made me feel like telling you off, and it made me feel pissed and made me want to stop commenting here, and made me feel all defensive, and that felt…..and Rori – it would feel so much better if you stepped in here and gave an opinion so I could NOT give an opinion that I so want to give!!”

    We are ALL struggling with our individual issues, and when we lay them out here, I want to make sure that the strongest feeling is of SUPPORT for all our issues. Disagreeing with someone is something I like to do because of who I am professionally – I really believe it helps for me to be provocative and trigger everyone around me so we can get to the bottom of things. So – I want to encourage you all to see if you can turn your opinions into Feeling Messages – I think (I get to say “think”) it will be way more powerful that way – and I want to make sure that everyone feels they can open their hearts here and not worry about getting blasted for some kind of incorrectness or non-Rori-Raye behavior.

    So when someone has an issue that seems like “duh, why are you doing that?” – try to imagine what it would be like if you were feeling so bad or neglectful of yourself that you allowed that kind of behavior for yourself. Then pat yourself big time on the back for where you are now, and offer a hand up and support to the person who’s still stuck ‘back there” – and all the brilliant insight you have to offer because you’ve COME THROUGH all that… The brilliance of this conversation is the breadth and variety of experience we all have to offer one another.

    Go from there – share EXPERIENCE and feelings. That way – we can help each other heal. Love, Rori

    The truth is – we are all ANGRY and we still feel guilt and fear – and our first reaction to someone who does things differently is to question ourselves, first, and then to respond in a way that makes us feel better, which is usually – “right.” I really don’t care much about “right.” I have to get over myself every day. Let’s see where we can go with this…Love, Rori



  89.  #89Nikita on June 14, 2009 at 11:12 am

    Hello Mercedes 🙂

    I am still very fond of you! Ok, my boss does not hit on me now. That was a few years ago and I resigned but I loved that job and made really good money so it was heart-breaking for me. I did fight my case and said boss was fired :))) ( is that the happy dance I’m feeling?)

    I am not implying J likes that!(you fielding advances at work or fighting for your boundaries) I hear you love your job, I was being general about my feelings. I meant he likes(J) your career woman vibe. These are experiences that have shaped and influenced ME. I get emotionally connected to my jobs so any little thing that is unjust affects me deeply and feels like a scar.
    I carry the memories, I wanted to sort of give everyone a trajectory of my change of heart over the years.

    about the cars;

    I do not want you to move in with J at all! Sure maybe later when you want to but I’m not that keen on living with a man that you or anyone is not married to.
    I say that but I’ve lived with men(or rather they lived with me).
    and it can feel nice but I don’t reccomend it. In your case, I would sub-let my place or get a roommate while I live with J so that I still feel free to go home and am still independent.
    I AM NOT advising you to do anything!-I’m just giving you an expose’ into my mind.
    That being said I know of two couples that have been together(same house) for 20 and 30 years! Without being married! That works for them!!! That’s just not good enough for me :(.
    I feel like a car is way easier to accept than moving into a mans home. Two cars were from men I was dating, one was from a male friend( a true friend/not kinky).
    The last offer was just that, a thought from him but I WAS stubborn and in my effort to control I got nothing but a stand-off!
    I empathize with you because of my own stubborness and being on the outside looking in, I feel like; wow, just take the car. I should have. It’s my regret that colors my writing(though I don’t really regret it, but I definitely didn’t have to make it so complicated). My refusal came from a Bella standpoint(kinda) I love old crappy cars:)) he thinks they’re not safe and refused to subject me to that risk( his way of protecting ) I was bull-headed and said ” I don’t want some new fiberglass piece of crap that everybody else has!”. That was my way of controling the gift and refusing protection, and rejecting his decision to provide.
    my stance WAS(past-tense!);” I want an old Mercedes!,and I can just buy it myself!!!!, I don’t need you to decide what car I
    drive!!!”. But now looking back on it, it seems so silly. Here I have this great guy that wants to improve my quality of life and I couldn’t get past my controlling, independent, stubborn nature. I wish I had just accepted. So yeah, I wanted you to accept.
    When I had the money to get my car on my own it felt less fun without him. I was shopping around without his interest or protection. He was not in agreement, he had a bad gut reaction to me in an old car( and my man KNOWS cars).
    I lost interest in getting the car on my own, it got boring and lonely. Now, do I still want the old Benz? Of course I do. But after really experiencing the little war we had I feel like an old Benz would be a good second car, not a primary car.

    The biggest feeling I got from your letter that started this was you saying your car was scary. I don’t want you scared or in danger.

    Nikita
    xxxx



  90.  #90Rori Raye on June 14, 2009 at 11:17 am

    Thank you, Ann – and Mercedes and I had more conversation privately about all this (and I’m grateful to her for letting us put it all out in the open)…basically — this is not about (nor is ANYTHING here or in my programs) about any ONE situation. It’s all about USING every situation to grow and heal and become MORE ourselves. I was encouraging Mercedes to consider other possibilities and experiment (and using strong language to be more effective) – because Mercedes is already in a great place, very strong, strong boundaries, and yet, she will be the first to say, is more comfortable in the world of the mind and opinion than of expression of feeling in words in softer situations – and not that this is a BAD thing, or something that even needs to be shifted at all if it’s working for you…but if you show up here in my world, then I want to offer what it is I offer, and what I know, and how I can help you develop other aspects of yourself. Authentic is deeper than what’s going on now. This is all about going deeper and deeper and deeper into true authenticity, and no one is absolutely there yet. We’re all on the journey. Love, Rori



  91.  #91Tracy on June 14, 2009 at 11:46 am

    Cookie,
    I feel sad that you are going through such a difficult time….Please do not beat yourself about it…..I always feel that everything happens for a reason and everyone in my life has a message for me……i just need to learn the lesson…
    Nikita posted a link toa website…believe its called “The game of life and how people play it”……well i have been reading it and it speaks of how we should learn to bless the past and put it behind us…..Have faith in the future and believe in the blessings to come…but most importantly…enjoy the Present…..
    I feel that this is exactly what rori teaches about circular dating…..listening….flirting….enjoying the present moment with what we have…..It has really helped me heal/forget my past…and learn to let go…and live the present….enjoy where i am now..
    Another great lesson that i am learning is that my present life/my reality is a projection of what is going on inside of me…it reflects my beliefs…..Ifi want my reality/present life to change…it has to start from the inside….change my beliefs….so the change and solution to our frustration/sadness rests within me…By foolowing my feelings when i feel sad/turned off/frustrated….i can identify my beliefs around these feelings…turn it around to enable process through the feelings and bring myself to feeling good…and in time thiswill project itself in my reality…my present life…with baby steps…i feel that i am beginning to really feel good about myself….I hope my experience helps you find a solution to what can resonate with you…



  92.  #92Nikita on June 14, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    So I’m at my sweetie’s place, holding myself doing what feels good to me. 🙂 outside on the deck absorbing the sun and here comes two swans, I’ve seen before but this time they have four furry babies in tow! They had been guarding a nest but this is the first time I saw the babies! They’re furry fuzzy and grey. I felt giddy watching them. I felt so full of joy I ran to him and told him the baby swans are out!!! He came to see them( I didn’t ask ) he left while giggled and kept feeling full and gooey, he came back with duck food for them and fed them while I oohed and awed. Then he went back to polishing his car. I stayed with the swan family and was able to get a really close look.

    I share this because it felt so good. I did my own thing and we both got something out of me taking care of me and following my pleasure. He surprised me, he always does when I just relax. I don’t have to ask. Thank you Rori, I feel like I have the map to my heart and it keeps unfolding.

    Baby Swans!!!!! 🙂

    “to whom much is given, much is required”

    I feel independent on the inside. I am dependent on my insides 🙂 that keeps me strong and everything else just comes.

    Love Nikita



  93.  #93Ann on June 14, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    Rori I do want to get this “right” for me. Meaning I want to learn what I need to learn here about myself to help me be the kind of person I want to be. I feel a bit triggered myself right now. So it would feel so much better Rori if you stepped in here and give your opinion on what I’m missing.

    I feel I’ve came a long ways in becoming more feminine, more authenic, speaking from my heart in a way that can be heard. However, I don’t feel my confusion is actually being heard right now. I do feel it was acknowledged(which I feel thankful for) but not fully understood.

    I feel triggered by your words…

    “but if you show up here in my world, then I want to offer what it is I offer, and what I know, and how I can help you develop other aspects of yourself. Authentic is deeper than what’s going on now. This is all about going deeper and deeper and deeper into true authenticity”

    Yes I did show up in your world. And I feel I’m in the process of being a better me in part because of things I’ve learned here. I feel confused in your answer and what I I I perceived to be your teachings. I felt your teachings and tools were being offered to help us be authenic in each situation. To use them to help us feel good, to feel our feelings, to speak honestyly from
    our heart.

    I felt in Mercedas situation the point of view was being offered that she should accept J’s gift because he was willing to give it to her. She should just recieve it. I didn’t feel Mercedas feelings, how she didn’t feel good or comfortable accepting the gift was being acknowledged. I didn’t feel the point of view of
    how she could maybe get to a place in her where she could accept it, was there.

    I’m in NO way saying your answer to Mercedas was wrong. I’m saying I feel from my preception of your teachings/tools I don’t understand it. Help me Rori. If I’m misunderstanding the tools I’d feel so much better with guidance in helping me work them better for me.



  94.  #94Daria on June 14, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    Ann… I am of course not Rori… but what I understood she was saying was that we were to Feel our feelings and embrace even the bad ones…

    so she was referring to being more into feeling feelings…

    sometimes we feel uncomfortable opening up or receiving but that is not to mean we are not to open up and receive IF WE WANT TO

    i guess theres a lot of room for talking about feelings in this situation that can be embraced and Riffed… etc… and i didn’t see a lot of that going on…

    i did see boundaries going on though… so thats good



  95.  #95Daria on June 14, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    I also think when Rori was referring to being “right” in a negative way she meant taking a stance of this is “right” vs. this is “wrong” kind of thing…

    thats not helpful to sinking into feelings



  96.  #96Ann on June 14, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    Hey Daria,

    I so feel what you said

    “Feel our feelings and embrace even the bad ones…

    to be a great thing for me in my growth.

    I feel I possibily missed something in the post even after rereading it. Because I didn’t feel the point of view you shared with me in this sentence

    “sometimes we feel uncomfortable opening up or receiving but that is not to mean we are not to open up and receive IF WE WANT TO”

    was being offered. All I saw was take the car. He wants to take care of you and is offering to so let him.

    Again I’m not trying to make ANYONE right or wrong. I’m not trying to be difficult or anything(and I don’t feel anyone is saying I am) I’m just confused.



  97.  #97Cassandra on June 14, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Ann…I feel so so happy that you decided to stay with us! I felt kind of scared when you siad that you maybe leaving us for a while becasue I felt so deeply that this safe place of love, support and acceptance and sometimes even advice coming from someone’e heart meaning – in a good way – was exactly what I felt that you should be surrounded with right now….so I feel so happy that you decided to stay with us and continue to share your journey with us. I have learned a great deal from you and I would feel that something precious was missing if you were not here and I feel proud of you for deciding to stay. I also feel great admiration for your openness and as you call it ‘bluntness’. I have always felt a great appreciation for your honesty even if it I got triggered – I am not at all saying that that has happened with something that you posted on response to a post of mine because I don’t remember that happening. I feel that this is a perfect place for you to be to gain the support and love that you are in need of right now! I feel happy! xoxoxo

    Nikita….I feel so happy about your experience today with your sweetie and your swan family. HOW AWESOME IS THAT!! I felt a deepl sense of peace when I read your post so thank you for that and I feel thrilled that you are in such an awesome place. 🙂

    Mercedes…..sending you hugs!!!

    Cookie…..I felt deep feelings of broken-ness when I read your post – not coming from you but from within myself. I so wish that I could just give you a huge huge hug. You are such a gift and deserve to be with a man that will indeed cherish you, protect you and see the true gift that you really are and I feel deeply sad that you don’t have that now as a matter of fact when i read your post – the broken-ness that I was feelingwas because I see your situation as being so so parallel with mine and that makes me feel as though my heart is breaking for you. I feel angry that you are not being cared for and I feel angry and triggered around your situation. I have always felt a strong connection with you and it makes me feel terrible that you feel so sad. I am still in the same situation that I have been in for well over a year now BUT I have been trying my hardest to take at least some kind of step forward in my own journey each and every day and I don’t really know what it is that is happening with me or in me but I can feel that FINALLY things are changing with the way that I see things and FEEL about things. I am not sure if you have followed the other posts where I have shared my experiences but my Mom signed my up on a Christian dating site a little over a month ago and I was SO SO SO totally NOT in a place where I wanted to even think about someone else but for a few days she and I tinkeredaroudn on the site together and had some fun and I feel thankful for that time with her! Not only that but though I have deleted my profile on the site I did meet a few seemingly nice gentleman…one turned out to be what I feel is a nut and the other one – I jokingly call him Dinner Boy for lack of a better moniker – I just could not think of anything and I certainly do NOT mean that in a nasty manner – I thgouht of it because we had dinner one night – that was all. Since that dinner we have also had lunch which was nice but the things with him is that he triggers so much in me regarding BOUNDARIES and what I am ok with and what I am not so I have continued to talk with him because I do enjoy our conversations although he is quite manipulative when he wants things to be HIS way and doesn’t want to compromise but this is good for me because it gives me a chance to practice the tools. What I have noticed is that as each day goes on I am les and less willing to tolerate CHARLE’s bad behavior and Idue to that fact alone I have been competely changing the way I react to him! I have been walking away without those desperate ‘why doesn’t he want me or want to spend time with me?’ feelings whether it is over time with him, a phone call or even stuff here at home when we are together. The other day we were having a nice discussion and he said something that was so totally abusive and nasty that I simply stopped what I was doing at that time and did not even say a thing…i jsut walked away and the more that I concentrate on ME..how I FEELa dn what makes ME feel good the better I am feeling overall and I am finding the less Iam willing to tolerate or even be around Charles and his abusive ways. WOW that truly felt wonderful to write but it is so so true. I have felt for so long that evveryone else was moving light years faster than me and that I was still ‘stuck’ where I had been since moving here but I am now seeing that that is NOT the case…even if we don’t FEEL that we are moving forward toward our goal of total self love and that high degree of difficulty….and arriving at Goddessness…..I am finally seeing that all of those seemlingly teeny tiny baby steps ARE PAYING OFF!!! Cookie…I want to ask you to do something with me and for YOU. Please come along with me. I feel like I am watching you go through what I did/ am and I feel so deeply that I don’t want that for you or any other Goddess! I feel that you are such an amazing lady I truly want you to be happy in every area of your life. If you will continue to each and every day to take some sort of baby step….a bubble bath at night….maybe a long walk before or after work…..cooking your favorite healthy meal that you will fell great about eating because it is helping you get to your goal…..something…anything…..I promise you that you will wake up one day and begin asking yourself “what the heck am I putting up with this for?!” I never in a million years thought that I would feel this way…but I do and it feels awesome! More often than not lately I feel so irritated and annoyed by Charles and his abusive ways and the GOOD attention that i have gotten from Dinner Boy has really made me realize that there IS a man out there that will adore me…that will want me so much that he will feel that he can’t live without me and that will want to care for me and be on this wonderful journey of life together – I feel excited about my friendship with Dinner Boy and all of the other men that are going to start to want to get to know me because I am practicing and even though I make tons of mistakes it feels so awesome to know that I am trying…that I am taking a baby step and one day I will get that step down and then move on to the next. I would feel so honored and excited if you would take at least 1 baby step with me each and every day…..If you want us to communicate off the blog I will post my email address so that we can support one another. I feel horrible that you are in such a dark place right now but I also feel excited because there is a beautiful…bright…..love and joy filled life out there for you……for you and me both!! I send you a huge hug and so so much love Cookie!! XOXOXO
    Cassandra



  98.  #98Cassandra on June 14, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    Cookie….one more thing…..I just realized that my post could have come across as though I was implying that you were not doing these things already….that is so NOT want was on my heart……what I said was totally about the excitement that I feel that if you keep doing baby steps all of a sudden it will fall into place so I hope that that is exactly what you got from my post! Just look at where Daria is…..AWESOME!! I feel deeply inspired and strong right now!



  99.  #99Nikita on June 14, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    Mercedes,

    I apologize if I have been unclear or you feel as though I’ve been judgemental, hypocritical, convoluted in what I had written in my posts. My intention was not to make you feel that way.

    In the first post I wrote that you not accepting the car felt a little dramatic, to me the situation felt dramatic. I was not referring to his asking you to move in. In my heart I feel like I’ve been consistent with you, but maybe in using this forum for my own therapeutic purposes and sharing waaaaaay more about me it felt personal and directed towards you. Again, not my intention and I do allow for a lot of misinterpretation in this virtual world we are sharing.

    My goal was to step out of the shadows and join in the collective. People who know me(some/not all) express to me that I am a VERY secretive person. I feel like it’s just me in self-protective/control mode. I love it here, I have been more open here than I could have imagined. It feels like a pink confessional and it feels good, I feel good.

    I am working hard to “get out of my head” and actually feel my way back into my heart. If I push your buttons; or anyones/or trigger someone…………..well, I don’t know but I hope everyone can keep an eye on the spirit in which I’m here and trust that …….
    (OH dear I might trigger lynmayu), namaste.

    Lynmayu; I just wrote from my heart:( I hope you feel ok with me using that word, it has actually been my favorite word since 2000.
    I read about it and my perception of the definition was ;
    The divinity in me sees the divinity in you.
    The light in me sees the light in you.
    My inner kitten respects and acknowledges the kitten in you.
    I don’t know where I got that definition but once I read it I couldn’t stop saying namaste for a year! But that is what I feel.
    I feel my kitten, and I feel Mercedes’ kitten. I feel pouncy but a good pouncy, a fun adventurous soft kitten. When I read your post about the guy yelling namaste at you in the street, I felt aaaw, how beautiful, the universe was acknowledging her light after that bad scene where you felt ignored. As I read on, I felt oh…..namaste=bad if he’s not the right nationality he can’t say that, aaw…… Bad man harassing sweet girl. But then I felt triggered. I love that word, it feels so perfect.
    I might be wrong about what it means so please tell me, I feel like I need to be sure now.
    P.S. I live in ny,so the yoga culture is huge here.I may have read it on a tshirt or in a magazine or who knows.

    I hope I spelled Lynmayu’s name right( I can’t scroll up to check on my phone)

    Nikita xxxx



  100.  #100Ann on June 14, 2009 at 5:40 pm

    Nikita the spelling is Linmayu but I’m sure she’ll know you’re talking to her. I love the definition you gave of the word namaste. Could you break it down to show me the pronuciation(sp) of it please?

    I wanted to thank you for the link to the book you shared. I know I will be away from the computer for a couple of days after tonight. So I’m writing some of the affirmations(demands) that fit my situation down. I’m feeling stuck in my situation and hope to shift the feeling.

    Cassandra thank you for your kind words. It feels good to read the ladies here supporting and encouraging each other.



  101.  #101Nikita on June 14, 2009 at 8:22 pm

    Ann:

    I feel really good sharing the book and you appreciating it. I printed a few pages, but writing it out probably makes it feel more authentic. More yours.

    I believe namaste is pronounced nuh-mah-stay but maybe when Linmayu returns she can correct that if it’s not the exact pronounciation.

    Hugs,
    Nikita



  102.  #102Ann on June 14, 2009 at 8:35 pm

    Nikita,

    I feel in awe you answered me at this moment. I became curious and just finished reading 2 enlightning articles on the word namaste. I would post the links but I don’t think the post would come through at the moment.

    However, I just posted the links on my own blog. If you click on my name you will be able go to it.

    ‘The God in me greets the God in you
    The Spirit in me meets the same Spirit in you’

    In other words, it recognizes the equality of all, and pays honor to the sacredness of all.



  103.  #103Linmayu on June 15, 2009 at 12:26 am

    Nikita, you’re very right about the word namaste, and I don’t mind at all hearing it from you, on this blog, using the true meaning and context of the word. There’s a difference between saying namaste and meaning “the God in me greets the God in you,” as they tend to do in yoga classes and other such situations, and saying it and meaning something completely different…and when a drunk male stranger is yelling it at me on the street…I have trouble believing he really knows what it means, or even has any idea that there’s a God in him or me.

    Or, maybe, I’m being too judgmental of others. That’s a possibility too.



  104.  #104Linmayu on June 15, 2009 at 12:26 am

    Oh, and I have no idea how to say it correctly; I don’t actually speak Hindi lol…



  105.  #105Linmayu on June 15, 2009 at 12:28 am

    but it’s funny. Because as Ann said, the word recognizes the equality and sacredness of all. And I got upset because I felt it was being used to point out my different-ness rather than our similarities…again, I could have been dead wrong.



  106.  #106Mercedes on June 15, 2009 at 8:13 am

    Rori: I had a feeling I was getting close to crossing a line with my comments here and I apologize for not taking care to edit…yes…I was triggered and I tend to handle those situations my own way. However, I do understand your rules here and what you want this to be about, so I apologize for not taking care with my words here. I never want to put you in a situation where you have to delete something I’ve written or feel the need to step in…I did that this time and promise to take as much care as possible to ensure I don’t do that on your blog again. Like I’ve told you before though, if I say something you have to remove, it won’t surprise me and I won’t be offended…I’ll learn from it.

    That being said, Nikita, I think we should either use my blog or my email for further discussion on this between the two of us. If you want to continue the discussion, I’m open to that but I’d like it to be done publically on my blog or privately via email so I can feel comfortable using the words I choose and saying the things I need to say. I want to use Rori’s tools as much as I possibly can, but this situation is about me and so is obviously close to my heart and I want to be able to…well…I guess use my masculine energy and say what I’m thinking. Rori is right, I’ll be the first to admit, I’m much more comfortable in the thinking/opinion world. I’m learning but sometimes, I need to be me with how I speak and this is one of those times.

    I’m really glad I opened up to the thought of putting my issue on this blog though…it has helped me learn a lot about who I am, what I want and how to remain true to myself no matter what the circumstances. Thank you for that Rori.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  107.  #107Rori Raye on June 15, 2009 at 9:13 am

    Mercedes, Thank you for your heartfelt response, and know that I’ve been meaning to say this for awhile – this was not about you or directed specifically to you – truly, it wasn’t. If so, I would have emailed you personally. And yes – your blog is the perfect place for YOU to be the voice of authority – so that would be a great place for argument. Here – we’re looking most importantly for support to go deeper EMOTIONALLY. So – it’s my job to trigger you and provoke conversation – and for you to practice turning around your opinion reaction to that into your emotional reaction – knowing that there is NO WRONG EMOTION. Love, Rori



  108.  #108Rori Raye on June 15, 2009 at 9:26 am

    Nikita, thank you for your sweet reply to my reply (I took it that way) – and again – it was not specifically about you or Mercedes or anyone, I just noticed a general tone that was getting more up into the head instead of staying in the feeling place – and was moving more to advising instead of sharing. The advice stuff is easy – and in most of cyberspace, that’s what people do, share advice and opinions, and I love doing that myself…and still, the best I have to offer you is to assist you in going deeper than that – and to a place where I can help you more…and to do that – I want us all to practice the language of feelings and “translate” as we go along, so that it becomes more natural. Perhaps I’ll put out a post that’s meant just for “opinions” so we can get it out of our systems. I’ll think about it and let you know specifically in the post…Love, Rori



  109.  #109DocK on June 16, 2009 at 7:46 am

    Cookie, I feel sad reading your struggles as you expressed them regarding your physical self and emotional relationship but thank you for being brave and sharing.

    I feel sensitive to the physical part because I have been involved in fitness for almost 30 years and because I know that it is difficult to find the time and have the energy. I feel frustrated because I am not harsh on people that struggle with this (people always think I would be) but supportive and I know that I have the ability to teach mental strategies to help people and I am not presently doing that. : (

    I feel the confidence in your statement about making changes and I know you will.

    BUT you are valuable and beautiful right now, whatever the number on the scale, I heard you acknowledge that and I feel support and love for you.

    As for what you are going through with your guy, yes, most of us have experienced that. I stopped being physical with a guy because he had lied about marriage ending (he had papers filed) but worked with him and he was the only person (male OR female) I knew where I was living. It took baby steps to walk away. Working on myself and going places without him and starting conversations with strangers and engaging in the world. I still felt “connected” with him but I was so lonely and sad.

    Eventually, I did end it. He moved away. I was so damned happy, I met people, danced, went to the city, to a new-agey church. I had fun. I felt guilty talking to my family when they relayed troubles cuz I was just so happy!!! I would never have believed it – I remembered even thinking there was, literally, no point to my life and what should I do about it. For it to turn around, incredible.

    It didn’t happen overnight. I feel you are way ahead of where I was having the Rori tools and this community (I wasn’t aware of them back then).

    I feel your strength – that stands out even more than your sadness. baby steps. You are on your way.



  110.  #110Nikita on June 16, 2009 at 11:58 am

    Hi Mercedes,

    I feel like your decision was already made. I don’t feel a need to convince you. I really don’t feel like having an argument. I do feel open to discussing anything you want privately but I also feel like letting it all go. Thank-you for keeping an open mind about it. But I feel a little apprehensive. I don’t have the need to tinker here. As Rori said, whatever you’re doing it’s working for you. I did feel like emailing you privately about something you helped me with; inadvertantly. It has nothing to do with this topic but something I read on your blog. I’ve been feeling really grateful to you since Saturday 🙂 I applied what I’d like to call ” one of your tricks”( in the magician sense) I feel like I finally pulled a rabbit out of my hat, only this rabbit jumped out on his own. I feel very happy and more solid on the inside. If you had not been sharing this experience with us I would not have felt as inspired to read your blog and gather from your experience. So, if you are inviting me to have a private exchange I can feel good about that. But I feel better staying in feminine energy. I feel afraid of backsliding into masculine energy by debating something that you are; or seem firm on. I feel like I said enough, maybe too much already. Again I still feel very connected to you. Maybe I felt completely triggered by your letter. I feel good about that. I feel like I was so triggered I just couldn’t sit on the sidelines anymore. So thanks again for putting yourself out there. Here. Ooooh I feel a story coming………the story that changed a lot.

    A friend(male) had been terminal. He really liked me. I was away enjoying the summer down in the south. My friend called me and said his doctors were giving him 6 months. My friend wanted to fly me to NY to spend a weekend with him. I refused. I expressed I can’t accept a plane ticket from you, as I know you like me and it’s not mutual. I don’t want to lead you on or take advantage of you, I’m sorry. A friend of my cousin overheard this, when I hung up she layed into me with ferocity! ” how can you refuse a dying man’s wish?, how could you say no?, it’s just a plane ticket and it’s his money to spend as he chooses!”
    I replied, yes but he likes me and we are just friends I don’t want to change that. I will go to him when he needs me as a friend but I know he wants more, and I just can’t lead him on that way.
    She yelled some more at me and said, “so what, he knows how you feel and he’s still offering, take the ticket go to NY and stop overthinking it. This man is dying and of all the people in the world he wants to see you. How can you say no?, as a matter of fact you’re saying yes, call him back right now and tell him your on your way!”. I went.

    I feel like this is very different from Mercedes’ story, but for me it was the turning point. Secretly I did want to go but it felt wrong. I went in spite of my feelings, and things turned out well for me. I had 7 days in the city and in those seven days my whole life fell into place, from stumbling into my own apartment to being offered a job when I wasn’t even looking. I had a round trip ticket that I used one way. I’m still here. My friend is gone I gave the apt.up, I have a different job but wow. Those 7 days were magical. I might still be stuck in the south.

    Hugs, nikita



  111.  #111Mercedes on June 16, 2009 at 12:20 pm

    Nikita: Yes…this is where I practice feelings (well…sort of…I mostly use thoughts here too, but…well…sometimes I try).

    My blog is where I use my masculine energy to the extreme (it’s way more me than feeling messages but I like Rori’s tools…and especially like hearing reminders to lean back) and I wouldn’t change it for the world…so it’s best the two of us let this go. I have lots of opinions and anger and unless you feel the need to continue, I’m good with being done making my point.

    I’m glad I could help in other ways. Keep in mind though, my “tricks” as you call them are always authentic. If I were to use them just because I know they work and not because I feel they are right…I’m sure I’d suffer in the long run. For me, it’s all about my vibe and how I’m feeling that dictates my actions (oh…and personality and probably some genes inherited from my mother)…if I tried to be someone I’m not or copy someone’s ideas because they worked for them, I wouldn’t be authentic. I’m really glad something I said worked for you and as long as you’re feeling connected to those “tricks”, keep reading and I’ll keep posting.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  112.  #112Nikita on June 16, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    I feel triggered. I felt I was referring to something magical, the result felt supernatural, though I went about it in a natural way.
    I embrace so-called feminine wiles. I feel very in touch with womanhood. I feel like my bag-of-tricks as a magician includes a push-up bra Lol! I also have lipstick, and heels( hey! I’m not really that tall!), I have mascara in my bag,and bikini waxes 🙂 let’s see, oh stockings, I have a garter belt, I have boundaries in there. I have tweezers,( I feel like no one needs to see my eyebrows grow out of control) I have a smile I use to draw in men; magically! I feel like a magician. I do feel authentic. I feel supernatural. I have another magic trick my sweetie loves, I’d share; but it’s very X rated 🙂 he calls it my trick. He asks me to perform this trick often. He never saw it before. Yay me! I feel original. That particular trick feels natural to me. Very natural, but we both feel supernatural when the magic of this trick is displayed. I feel very in love with my feminine wiles; my nail polish, my smooth legs, my thigh-highs….a good trick is wearing a garter belt the correct way;(panties go on after/over the garter and stockings, so that panties can come off but the vision remains intact/accessable) 🙂 I feel mischevious, in a good way.
    I create magic, my sweetie loves the magic, I feel his look of awe, I feel natural, I feel surrendered to my nature. I feel my feminine nature exuding. I feel my feelings and I express them, then I stand back and watch the magic unfold. I feel surprised.
    One trick I have in my bag feels very powerful to me; when I disappear into thin air. Now you see me,(when I feel good) Now you don’t ( if I feel bad). I feel good about my tricks, I do not feel ashamed of using them. I feel entitled. I feel….” yes, I am a girl and these things are mine. These are my wiles. I feel scared of the word wiles, but I embrace it anyway. I feel like I should only use the word tricks about myself and not Mercedes. I feel that tricks are negative. I feel remorse that I used the word trick. Would I feel better with ” technique”? Would I feel better saying I used one of her “statements”? Would I feel better if I “imitated”, no, imitate feels bad. Maybe advice feels better; mutually. Guidance? No, I feel advice is ok. But tricks feels like more fun! It feels exciting, thrilling. It feels careless to use the word for others, but it feels authentic to me. I feel like tinkerbell. I feel what my old lover meant when he said “women are magical, they just don’t know how magical they are to men. There’s a magic about them that’s all their own and it doesn’t matter what they look like, they’re just magical because they are a women”. I wasn’t feeling very magical when he said it, but now I feel very magical.
    I am the magician, I am the show, I feel everything I am is displayed on a stage draped in red velvet with amber light and candles. I feel his words were a giant gift, that I feel in the present.

    Nikita xxxx



  113.  #113Mercedes on June 16, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    Nikita: You can use the word “trick” if you want. I put it in quotes because it’s your word..not mine…but it doesn’t offend me at all. We can call them tricks, we can call them suggestions, we can call them experiments. As long as they feel good, right, authentic and true…we can call them whatever. No matter the word used…I’m glad you found something helpful for you.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  114.  #114Mercedes on August 6, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    I have an update and I thought this was the best place to put it since it’s where the topic first came up (NO…I don’t have a new car…LOL). I don’t know if anyone still checks in on this thread or not, but I found it again to post: I agreed to move in with J when my lease is up (SOON!!) and…it scares the living CRAP out of me! Whoooo….deep breaths Mercedes…deep breaths….GOD….don’t forget to breath OUT too!!!!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  115.  #115Rori Raye on August 7, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    Yeahhhhhhhhyyyyyyy!!



  116.  #116Cassandra on August 10, 2009 at 5:47 am

    Mercedes……WOWOWOW!!! YAYAYYYY!!!! Please forgive me that I am soooooo late in getting back to you on this! You have been on my mind but I have not been able to get back here until now. I feel soooooo happy for you Mercedes! I feel excited and thrilled for you and happy that you are allowing someone who loves you so much to care for you. I feel excited because it feels to me like you are opening up your heart even more and allowing yourself to reeeeeeeallllly trust and to me that feels wonderful. I feel such admiration for you personally and for your relationship with J. I feel so so happy for you and send you a huge hug!! XOXOXO
    Cassandra



  117.  #117Mercedes on August 10, 2009 at 6:19 am

    Thanks Cassandra! I’m working on relaxing about it…meditation and yoga do wonders for my body and my mind and my heart. Darn nerves! lol

    Glad to see you’re posting again…I’ve missed you!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  118.  #118Reese on August 29, 2011 at 9:11 am

    Well if you are truly independent then be that – truly independent. I think he will change his view of you. He may not. You won’t know until you accept it. You could ask him to buy a car in his name, and you could borrow it – and if your relationship ends badly then you would just return it to him and he could sell it or you could buy it from him. Work out all the details on paper before hand. That way it is not so bad. You are still in a better situation from me, someone I know offered to buy me a car and I am not even dating him; and I can’t even accept that gift. If I were to meet a guy, the guy I am looking for, I would not want him to look down on me because I accepted a gift like this from a man I did not love. decisions decisions, thankfully I am close to public transportation!



  119.  #119Rick on October 10, 2011 at 11:10 am

    I am a man, I saw your site and thought a woman would probably be my best help. So here it goes. I am married
    for 27 years. For the past 10 years my wife and I grew apart. We talked about it, went for counseling and realized we are not in love any more. We live like best friends and roommates. Not like a husband and wife. My wife also over these 10 years has lost interest in sex, she blames it on early menopausal issues. So we decided to divorce. We are both fine in all this. Here is the problem, I met a woman 4 years ago and started a friendship with her that grew into a love relationship between us. Even though it was against both our principles we made love and fell in love. My girlfriend knew all up front,except shethought our divorce would have been faster, which is my fault because I wanted my wife to initiate the process. Before I met this woman four years ago my wife said she wanted a divorce.
    So I waited for her to initiate the process, not knowing I would fall for another woman. The reason for the delay in our divorce was financial, too many things hit all at once.
    You name it it happened, my daughter was going to college, the economy got bad, my investments tanked on me, and job loss. So now I am in the process of my divorce but my girlfriend feels she fell out of love with me. She feels I should have moved it faster for us to be together. Now she tells me that she does not want sex which we have been holding off of any way and says get the divorce and we will see how she feels after this. Now in between all this she has been true to me and I true to her. She mentioned that somebody was interested in courting her and asked me how I felt? I said I am in love with her and her only and asked her not to let anybody in between.
    I want to marry her and have a family with her. So far she has not let anybody in. As per her request, she just wants to see eachother as friends which is what we are doing. We get together play tennis, go to a movie, have dinner etc. Her rule is no intamacy till I am divorced, I agreed. I am in love with her no doubt, I know she loves me no doubt.
    I just wonder can she fall back in love with me? How do I handle this? I don’t want to lose her. How do I keep her without pressuring her? I don’t want to smother her yet I want her to know I am there for her. How do I reassure her of this as I go through the process of divorce. I am finding my relationship with her tougher than the divorce because as a man I don’t know if I am reading her right. I lover so much and she knows it, yet I feel I could lose her if I don’t play my cards right. I hope you can help me. Signed, Rick, A man lost in love as he goes through a divorce.



  120.  #120Betsy Luft on February 21, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    I loved your post.Really thank you! Will read on…