How To Be Curious Without Getting All Involved In His Business…

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Daria asked this:

“Rori, I remember you talking about being curious about the man… would this mean we can ask questions to find out what we’re curious about? I also remember that things about him are “his business.” So how do these two concepts work?”
Here’s my answer:

1. Being curious is in the moment, and it’s about listening to him and following his thoughts, his energy, his vibe, his feelings by tuning in to him and just “Being There.”

2. Questions that come up then naturally follow what he says.

3. Curiosity also includes questions you have that relate to your feelings and experiences with him – that could look like: “I felt so dismissed just then when you said…what happened there?” Or “Wow, this dinner you just cooked tastes incredible…how’d you learn to do this?”

3. Questions that come up for you that are “none of your business” – have to do with YOUR AGENDA. In other words – what YOU want from HIM.

It could be questions about his business, his car, how much money he makes, his past relationships, how he feels about you, what his intentions are…all these things are fair game to be curious about if they come up in the moment, or they affect how you want to proceed, or if he asks you for exclusivity, you could state your concerns and ask him what he’d like to tell you about these things…but if you’re asking him because you want to put a “plan” together…that’s different.

So – if you’ve been dating for a long while, and he doesn’t call you for a week, being curious could be: “I really missed you, and I missed hearing your voice. It felt really weird to not be in contact with you…is there something I should know?”

Having an agenda and entering into “his business” would be “Why didn’t you call? You know how important contact is for me? Where were you? What were you doing? How did you feel about it?…and so on…

Let me know if this is a powerful issue for you – and I’ll write more about it.

Love, Rori

 

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6 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on September 21, 2008 at 7:07 pm

    Thank you Rori!

    That clears up a lot and feels very freeing…

    What about jokes? I know we don’t want to make jokes to cover up what we’re feeling… but I remember an earlier comment on the blog about phone conversations. The question was whether it’s ok to make ironic comments describing your day if this gets both of you laughing and feeling good…

    My take is that this would be ok, as long as there is space throughout and he is leading the conversation…

    On another note I would like to share that I have been using the techniques with my dad… I feel closer to him although I have not quite been getting the results I want… ex: getting him to give up the best house shoes, repainting my room, etc. Nonetheless I have expressed feeling upset calmly and left… this must be the taking “no” for an answer. It really doesn’t feel so bad once the anger dissipates. Any tips on working with “difficult” family members? (My dad is known for getting angry, criticizing, and getting defensive).



  2.  #2Cat on November 16, 2008 at 11:56 am

    Hi Rori,

    I have a question about this communication business. I vacillate between being very talkative with some people and with others being more passive, being much more of a listener. I can be comfortable in either role, but with the person I date I prefer for there to be a more balanced or even back-and-forth. There is an ex- who’s still sort-of in the picture (we split, he’s dating someone else who lives far away, but he calls me and takes me out to dinner every now and then) and I’ve been trying out some of your suggestions with him. But when we talk I get confused. Sometimes he leads the conversation and I just go with the flow, really listening to him occasionally asking him questions about what he’s saying, but allowing him to complete his thoughts and not really judging him or directing the conversation. To do this I find myself having to shut down they way I naturally feel comfortable being (more talkative, more judgemental, etc.). Then sometimes he’ll ask me things about myself, or openings come up when it would be appropriate for me to really go on about myself (to sort of run with the conversation). I get confused here. Do I do that and really become the driving conversational force? Or do I let him lead? Talk about myself briefly and then allow silence for him to fill. I am confused about it, because I feel that for the women to talk a lot, that can be a way of her trying to give to her man, but it could also be thought of as her really connecting with her own thoughts and showing her man her own independence from him (in the past with this guy I sometimes felt when I talked about certain ideas I was having about things he felt I was smart and unattainable and he wanted to ‘chase’ me to bring me back to the present. Though I have also noticed when I allowed him to really talk about himself, he enjoys that a lot). Also, I feel like if I begin talking about myself and then shift it back to him, that is a way of making him be the center again…and that that method is perhaps giving too much.

    I guess with most guys I don’t have this question so much of what to do, particularly not with the ones who I feel like really like me. But with my ex- I get confused more because I don’t want to be making the wrong moves. I feel anxious and like I am over-analyzing the situation with him probably which I think means I should probably just not focus on him or that situation and I should be dating more people (which I am!) until sooner or later I meet someone where I’m not hyper-focused on all these sorts of details, because there’s enough comfort and space for everything to not be ‘perfect’ in the relationship because the guy is just more into me.

    Anyway, if you have pointers on how the woman should be, in terms of how much she should be talking or not, the give and take of that, in terms of the masculine/feminine thing, I’d love to hear about it. Thanks so much! I adore your blog and cd’s and book. It’s all so genius and makes perfect sense of so many snippets of things I’d read before that I couldn’t interrelate, that seemed incompatible (Buddhist philosophy and mediation, the Rules, He’s Just not that into you, psychology, etc.) But best of all, it allows a space for the woman to remain ‘real’, authentic, at the core. Awesome!



  3.  #3lonely n hurt on January 7, 2009 at 10:52 am

    i am wondering how to comunicate with my soon to be exhusband about money and child visitations using this tool.he has been using these last 2 things to control me and for communication and it ends up in a fight usually.when i have let go of all else (superficially lol)these 2 things get me?he seems distant and cold and when i see him face to face he asks if I want a hug and almost stands their like he is ‘god’wen i say no thanks he is pissed off.he also keeps finding things to fight about so r relationship only consists of money-kids and fites.i dont want 2 anger him and he constantly is mad if he thinks im tal;king to other men or out drinking,but to this day i have not met anyone i would give my number to.help how can i treat him ,he has a gf thats serious and after 13 years even if its hard i dont feel like puttin the moves sum1 elses guy ,even if i feel he still is my husband he isnt acting like it!



  4.  #4ABC on March 12, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    hi Rori,

    i don’t know if you still check out the comments on this post or not.

    but i have a question regarding how to react to a man pulling away without any warning, and what to say to him if i want to find out the reason why he does that–that will help me understand who i am more.

    this is a big issue for me—i don’t know if this is also happening to other women. men i date chase me aggressively yet pull away after 6,7 dates without any warning signs. i start to wonder if it is something that i do, i say, or certain vibe i give out? i start to wonder if i am the one stand in my own way to Happily ever after.

    i would really appreciate it if you can share your experiences with us about this. thank you.



  5.  #5mackenzie on March 30, 2010 at 7:04 am

    Hi Rori, I’d love to read your answer to Cat’s question above as I wonder the same thing. Also, I’m not really sure how to handle my situation. My “bf” (I say that because I’ve told him I’m now CDing) has an emotional relationship with a married woman. So now, I’m just focusing on me and if he comes around he comes around and if he doesn’t I will find what I want. Although as a side note I worry that even if we got together in the way that I want that years from now “she” will come back into the picture when he’s bored or mad at am. That aside, do I just not concern myself with his business – his feelings for someone else. Or, do I express that knowing about that gives me some discomfort. I feel like I”m pushing my feelings aside if I don’t say something about it (acting like everything is ok when it isn’t quite) but I’d be getting too worried about his business if I say something. Confused….