How To Be In Charge Without Feeling Like A Man…

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This is all about what “taking responsibility” looks like – without the effort!

When to take charge and when to let go. When to fight on and when to give up and give in. When to stand in full brain power like a boy, and when to sink down into your feelings like a girl.

How to solve problems without “solving” them at all. Without working to figure them out.

Essentially “dissolving” things we “call” problems.

Basic starting point for this:

1. Where you are now is where you are now. You actually are “here.”

This means, if a man is not doing his job in your relationship, if your work team member isn’t stepping up to be a full partner, if something’s not working out the way you want in your business, if something is going wrong, if no man has shown up, how do you want to “see” that?

Do you want to take responsibility for this happening? And then assign “blame” and “fault” and access the situation?

Or, do you simply want to take responsibility for being here now?

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Sometimes, I have to take responsibility for why things happen.

  • Right now, I’m experiencing stuff you all may have dealt with — physical stuff like aches and pains and a bad back… and yeah, some of it is my genetics, some of it is the environment, some of it is just time, and yet — some of it is how much I knew and know and what I did about all that.
  • Some of it is about — was I pro-active enough about taking good care of myself, and some of it is — was I so busy trying to do stuff that instead of really being in my body I allowed tension and stress to build up and it harmed myself?

And all of it is about what can I accept now, what can I do now, how much can I allow myself to feel now, and how can I just be without blaming myself in any way shape or form.

It’s about how do I take responsibility without placing blame.

Same with my man, my work, my boss, my friend, my client, my partner. Same with your man, your work, career, co-workers, boss, friends. Same with any person – man or woman.

Say you’re in a situation with someone, in any scenario, that doesn’t feel good.  And you find yourself trying to figure that out.

Trying to figure out what his or her stuff, and what’s your stuff.

And trying to figure out, bottom line, why you are here now.

Try this: Instead of asking “Why” – say to yourself, ONLY, “I am here now.”

So let’s say you have a conversation — maybe a really good conversation, about things you’re concerned about. You negotiate, and you work something out. And then — he or she drops the ball.

He just sort of — forgets.

And during this period where he’s forgetting what he already said he would do, you’re building up resentment.

Not only are you building up resentment, you’re building up an insecure feeling of rejection. Because the truth is — what it looks like is that he doesn’t feel MOTIVATED to do what you clearly shared with him would make you happy.

So here you are. You’ve expressed yourself to him. You have a good, perhaps intimate, conversation. You’ve reached some agreement. And now — nothing.

In the old days, this is where we start nagging.

This is where we start trying to solve the problem. This is where we start trying to open the conversation again, and revisit the situation, and make some new agreements, and fix the darn thing!

Well, as we all know, that usually doesn’t go so well. People don’t do stuff for lots of reasons. We don’t do stuff because we don’t want to.

Because we’re busy.

Because, even though we know we’re supposed to, or we said we would, or we know it would make someone else we really care about happy, it sits somewhere lower on our priority scale than survival.

And sometimes a lot of us are in survival mode.

That’s what stress is — being in survival mode.

And sometimes we’ve triggered ourselves — or the person we’re in this scenario with is feeling triggered — with guilt and shame. Sometimes we literally feel paralyzed.

We’re pretending, on some deep level, that this isn’t happening. Not really.

The “I’m Here Now” Tool:

1. Say to yourself, out loud if you can, “I am here now.”

2. Now say “I have stuff and he/she has stuff.” And then…

3. Say, “Instead of trying to figure him out, I’m going to find my stuff.” Now…

4. Say, “I know that my stuff affects his stuff and his stuff affects my stuff.” Now…

5. Say, “…and it’s not important for me to figure this out.”

6. Say, “It’s only important for me to find and express my stuff. Because his stuff is none of my business.” And…

7. “Without trying to understand why I feel something, I just feel this…” Simply feel around your body to find what you’re feeling and to put the simplest words possible to those feelings so that you can say them out loud.

I can pretty much guarantee you that once you do this, and only this, and stay away from trying to analyze your situation or make a judgment about it, the other person – regardless of their relationship to you or your “status” with regard to one another – will finally feel safe enough to say exactly what it is that’s been bothering him, too.

And here’s where we can fall into the trap again. We can fall into trying to have a “discussion” about all this. And nothing could be worse.

What you want to do is to keep it going like this. You say, “I feel scared, or rejected, or bad, or uncomfortable, and I need to feel… (fill in the blank here)…”

And keep this in mind — frustration and anger are genuine feelings real feelings that — even though you want to express them and share them — are not the bottom line feelings you have.

You feel angry because you’re not getting what you want. It’s the old kid in a candy store being told to get-your-hands-off-the-glass scenario.

You feel angry because here you are putting in effort and not getting back what you’ve put in. You’re feeling angry and hurt because you think you’ve made some kind of “deal” here, and it’s not going your way.

You feel angry because YOU ARE HERE NOW.

So let’s move on from trying to figure out who is right and who is wrong and what is right and what is wrong and what is appropriate. Let’s just start from the place on your life marked “Here.”

Let’s take another step. I look forward to hearing your steps as I take my own.

Let’s move UPWARD from the “problem.”

Let’s get a bigger view. Let’s find our stuff, discover how our stuff feels, get into our stuff, own our stuff, take responsibility for our stuff, making no judgments about our stuff, rise above blame for our stuff, and stay away from his stuff.

If he’s dropped the ball, and you let that go on for a very long time, just start with #1 in these steps.

Say “I am here now.”

To get the most personal, life-changing love coaching you’ve ever experienced, join me in the Siren School Gold->

Love, Rori

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33 Comments

  1.  #1mary on June 27, 2017 at 9:41 pm

    Okay Rori.

    I am here now.

    It looks like the man I really liked, who was at the top of my list, basically because I loved his kisses, and the back-and-forth that we had when we were texting (oh so witty! oh so wonderful!) is not doing what I want him to do.

    So I was deciding that the problem was with the circular dating.

    But I saw today that I was just needing a scapegoat to blame for the pain that I was experiencing because… he basically dropped me… I think!

    I don’t even know.

    Nothing was said.

    It’s just that energy left the scene…

    And I believe I was leaning forward!

    So I might continue to try circular dating.

    My date tonight, by the way, was pretty spectacular. This guy came over and got me and took me out to get drinks, and we had a good time laughing and talking and sharing and he wants to go out Saturday night and July 4th. And that’s what I love! A guy who makes plans!

    Oh my goodness… I love that so much!

    So he’s not the guy I wanted to step up, but he is stepping up, and I like him a lot. We also share the same faith, we’re both in a starting over place in our lives, we both have kids here but would actually live somewhere else if possible, and come back to visit kids…

    So…

    I am here now.

    It’s not what I envisioned.

    But it’s good.

    I’ll take it.

    Thank you God.

    And thank you Rori.



  2.  #2Sangelina on June 27, 2017 at 11:24 pm

    You go girl! Nothing like a step up guy!



  3.  #3Femininewoman on June 28, 2017 at 8:46 am

    Am gonna try out this here now stuff at work too.



  4.  #4mary on June 28, 2017 at 4:53 pm

    I am here now.

    My man is not showing up.
    I just met him, but we had the most fantastic conversations.
    He said the most amazing things.
    Then we went on a few beautiful dates.
    Then I took some coffee over to him and we had a steamy kissing session.
    (Yes, I know… exactly the opposite of what I’m about, but I couldn’t help it…)
    Those were the best kisses I have ever had in my entire life.
    They were the kisses I’ve been dreaming about.
    And they were only that… kisses.

    HOW could I have let my heart get this involved in such a short time?
    We’re talking 19 days.
    I’m so mad at myself for giving my heart away.

    I’ve been taking responsibility for this situation.
    I’ve been blaming myself
    and seeing myself at fault.

    I shouldn’t have texted THIS.
    I shouldn’t have texted THAT.
    I shouldn’t have gone over there.
    I shouldn’t have contacted him at all.
    I should have waited for him to make all initiations.

    How can I take responsibility without placing blame?
    This doesn’t feel good.
    I’m trying to figure it out.
    I copied all of our text messages, back and forth,
    to a Word document and color-coded it…
    Leaning back, Leaning forward, He initiated, I initiated,
    I should have said THIS,
    I should have said THAT…

    I’m trying to figure out what’s his stuff.
    I’m trying to figure out what’s my stuff.

    I am here now.

    I TRIED to have a conversation with him!
    I told him I really wanted to talk to him.
    Apologize. Explain. Ask questions.
    He said okay!
    And then it RAINED…
    And our plan got canceled.
    He said he was feeling “under the weather,”
    I said okay.
    He said we could talk tomorrow.
    I said no, I had class…
    He did not pursue the conversation further.
    Neither did I.

    But I feel that it’s over.
    Although I don’t know that for certain.

    It feels like he has dropped the ball.
    I feel stress.
    I feel survival mode.
    I feel guilt.
    I feel shame.
    I feel paralyzed.

    I am here now.
    I have stuff and he has stuff.
    Instead of trying to figure him out, I’m going to find my stuff.

    What is my stuff?
    My stuff is that I miss him.
    My stuff is that I want him.
    My stuff is that I feel misunderstood.
    I want to grab him and make him be with me.
    If only he knew the truth about who I am.
    That would make all the difference!

    My stuff is that I feel awful.
    I feel rejected. I feel less than. I feel snubbed.
    I feel abandoned. I feel ignored.
    I feel tortured. I feel mad about that!
    He’s not calling and I want him to call.
    I feel that his assessment of me was negative,
    or he’d be calling.
    I feel judged.
    With not enough facts presented.

    He’s not here now.
    I am here now.

    I think that my stuff affects his stuff and his stuff affects my stuff,
    but I’m not SURE about that.
    We’re so new.
    But let’s say it’s true.
    My stuff affects his stuff and his stuff affects my stuff.

    Okay.

    It’s not important for me to figure this out.
    Oh yes, it feels important!
    No Mary, it’s not important for you to figure this out.
    Don’t go there right now.

    “It’s only important for me to find and express my stuff.
    Because his stuff is none of my business.”
    Yes!
    His stuff is none of my business.
    It’s only important for me to find and express my stuff.

    What is my stuff now?

    I’m really okay.
    I had an awesome class today.
    I had an amazing date last night.
    That guy said, “I really want to win your heart someday.”
    That’s my stuff now.

    I’m headed in a new direction.
    I’m getting a new career.
    That’s my stuff now.

    I’m gonna work myself out of this hole I’m in.
    That’s my stuff now.

    His stuff is none of my business.
    He has his own reasons for the things he does.
    They might not have anything at all to do with me.

    I was wrong about K.
    I was wrong about G.
    I could be wrong about C.

    “Without trying to understand why I feel something,
    I just feel this…”
    Back to the feelings…
    I feel pain. I feel upset. I feel sad. I feel longing.
    I feel desire. I feel rejection. I feel abandonment.
    I feel judged. I feel mad. I feel misunderstood.

    It’s not going my way!
    No, it’s not.
    I feel angry because
    I AM HERE NOW.
    And not with C.
    Who isn’t stepping up.
    And isn’t calling me.

    HERE…

    I am here now.

    The bigger picture?

    There will be another man who can deliver kisses that I will like just as much.
    There will be another meeting of the minds and of the wits and it’ll go better next time.
    (Fear here!)
    (What if I live the rest of my life and I don’t have another kiss like that, another meeting of the minds?)

    Never mind.

    I’m here now.

    The big picture is that I don’t even know this guy.
    I liked his kisses, but things were going well at the time.
    I don’t know how things would be with him.
    We might match and we might not…

    The big picture is that I don’t want a guy
    who makes me wait for his calls…
    That makes me feel insecure.
    I want a guy who showers me with his love.

    I know what that feels like and I like it.
    The big picture is that this guy has never done that.

    The big picture is that I gave my heart away
    Because he wrote some beautiful texts.
    And complimented me a million times.
    And made me feel beautiful and desirable…

    The big pictures is that if he felt that way
    Another guy would feel that way too.
    And another guy might step up

    And another guy might be here now.

    I am here now.

    And it’s just me, for now.

    And that’s okay…

    For now!



  5.  #5mary on June 28, 2017 at 6:12 pm

    I just added it up and I only spent 7 hours in person with this guy.

    7 hours.

    I’ve spent WAY more than that obsessing about him.

    And the first guy, since I started circular dating…

    I spent 25.5 hours with him.

    That one nearly killed me.

    The heart gets invested soooooo fast!

    Since May when I started dating, I had to tell two guys that I didn’t think it would work with them. I wasn’t dating them exclusively. I was dating others too. I just didn’t want to date them at all. They acted like I broke their hearts, although I spent even less time with them. One guy – I met him ONCE, had lunch with him AND HIS BUDDY, and that was just about an hour and a half.

    The heart is so quick to decide….

    I must guard my heart in the future.

    I think circular dating is the perfect tool for that!

    It’s just that these two guys, who broke my heart, after such a short time, didn’t want to go along with the circular dating. They took themselves out of my rotation. Yes, they asked, “are you dating anyone else?” And I was vague but truthful. They pressed it… and really wanted to know… and then they were gone.

    And they were the ones I liked the most… !! !



  6.  #6mary on June 28, 2017 at 6:16 pm

    The thing that the two guys (I liked) had in common was that they texted me a LOT. Sexy texts… full of imagery and hello beautifuls…

    I’m not gonna fall for that again.

    I’m not gonna participate as much again… !!! !

    I’ll be nice, but I’ll say things like, “oh, I feel so much more thrilled when I hear your voice! Hoping you’ll call instead of text next time!” Something like that…

    Yes, the texting definitely did contribute to the feelings of premature closeness. Good to know!

    Last time I dated was 2010. So all this texting is pretty new…



  7.  #7Sangelina on June 29, 2017 at 6:59 am

    Rori,
    Why am I in moderation?
    I guess I’m no longer welcomed here. Just trying to be honest.
    Wish you knew how many friends I’ve made to buy your products and follow your work.
    However, not everything works but most do. You’ve changed my relationships and made me a better person, for that I will always remain grateful.
    Good luck with your work and thanks for your help.



  8.  #8mary on June 29, 2017 at 3:21 pm

    Sangelina…

    you’re probably not!

    only about 2/3s of my posts make it… i’m always having to write them over!

    it’s probably just a glitch in the system these days…

    Mary



  9.  #9mary on June 29, 2017 at 3:22 pm

    Please try again Sangelina!

    What were you going to say?



  10.  #10mary on June 29, 2017 at 4:38 pm

    I want to text this guy, arrange a meeting, EXPLAIN EVERYTHING, and see if I can rekindle his interest.

    Oh my.

    If I read that in someone else’s handwriting, I’d say, “Whoa there! Don’t do that!”

    But I’m crazy about him.

    Why isn’t he calling me?

    Oh, the sad, sad reality that he isn’t calling.

    I’m here now.

    I’m sad.

    I love my sadness?

    No.

    I really don’t.

    I love it that I’m here now.

    Feeling my feelings.

    Being authentic.

    I love my authenticity.

    Mary



  11.  #11IamHis on June 30, 2017 at 4:34 am

    I feel confused. I’m finally in a relationship with a guy who treats me really REALLY well. He says he wants to marry me. I never thought I’d see the day!

    The thing I feel confused about is that he doesn’t trigger me at all. Feeling messages flow so easily with him, so much so that he frequently asks me how I’m feeling and he frequently tells me how HE is feeling. He’s better at feeling messages than I am!

    A part of me still wants to see what else is out there, but I feel like I’m in the “boyfriend trap.” In moments of infatuation I have told him I’m in love with him, but when those moments pass, I almost feel like I’m lying. I sometimes feel like I need more time to truly fall in love. Time to get to know him better. We’ve only been dating for three months.

    I’m physically attracted to him and definitely love him as a friend, but there feels like something is missing. I never feel scared or angry. I don’t like, yearn for him. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling. I feel scared to tell him this because I don’t want to hurt his feelings and I don’t want to lose him. I still want to date him, but I think I still want to date other people. I feel guilty because he’s invested so much in me. And I feel scared simply because I’m so inexperienced. Please help!



  12.  #12mary on June 30, 2017 at 6:42 am

    hello IAmHis,

    sometimes love needs space to grow.

    is there any natural way you can create a little space for yourself?

    could a peaceful relationship be superior to one that carries many emotional triggers for you?

    would you rather have all the drama of an intense relationship? the ups and downs, the highs and lows?

    what is missing? could it be found over time?

    I have watched my daughter over the years. She married her best friend. They have an amazing marriage… passion ebbs and flows but the friendship is central. It’s beautiful, in my opinion. They’re happy and their children are happy…



  13.  #13IamHis on June 30, 2017 at 8:41 am

    Hi, Mary. Thanks for your comment! It makes sense….



  14.  #14Rori Raye on June 30, 2017 at 2:58 pm

    Mary, please, please please “Catch” how you’re judging and beating yourself about all of this! The Modern Siren method, and all of my coaching is based on the concept that “Love” is non-negotiable!

    In other words – you love YOU, no matter what!

    You love the judging voice, the obsessing voice – all of it!

    That’s how all of this changes.

    To me, you’re a truly lovely woman who spreads love on everyone and everything except for YOU!!! (And please love THAT, instead of judging it!)

    So – do for yourself what you did for this man! Trust yourself, and begin by taking the baby-steps of my Tools (start with the ebook if you don’t have any programs – that’s all you need for Love School classes anyway…)

    This thing we women do of getting so emotionally involved so fast is where my coaches can help you so fast your head will spin. And Siren School Gold is the first month-to-month program after Love Forever In 12 Weeks and Sirenity in 4 Weeks were so amazingly transformative. Love to you, Rori



  15.  #15Rori Raye on June 30, 2017 at 3:01 pm

    I am His – it’s just too soon for you to feel anything “real”! Men don’t really show their true colors until at LEAST 4-6 months, and even then, I’d wait until you feel absolutely sure that what you want is a great partnership, and not a thrilling fling.

    That’s the mindset we women have to choose between.

    Yes, a great partner can become the most thrilling, intimate partner in EVERY aspect – but it takes courage for us to go there.

    You sound to me like a courageous woman – let this man lead you across the bridge to your Happy Ever After, and make decisions later! Love, Rori



  16.  #16Rori Raye on June 30, 2017 at 3:02 pm

    Feminine Woman – so nice to have you here! Love, Rori



  17.  #17mary on June 30, 2017 at 5:03 pm

    thank you Rori!

    feeling not as alone now…

    i love my sadness. i love my nasty voices.

    i leaned forward again. last night. I couldn’t help myself… no community here! (not blaming, just saying… I have no one to talk to…)

    i contacted him… and just said some of the same things he said to me… he was gracious and very receptive and going along with all of it…

    and who knows? Maybe he’ll call. Probably he won’t. (Is that a nasty voice? I think so!

    I love how negative I am here…)

    ?? ! !!?

    Okay. I’m trying to figure him out again. He says such amazing things, but possibly he says those things to just keep the texting flowing… Maybe he just loves to text! I’ve only seen him three times.

    I’m definitely just going to think this: “if he’s not in front of me, he doesn’t exist…”

    Dating is so difficult!

    Sometimes I wonder why me? You know? I have friends who’ve been married all these years. All these years that my life has been a roller coaster. (Oh, they’re probably envious of my crazy life!)

    I’m gonna concentrate on my career now. But dating is so super fun. And I do have two dates lined up… so… that’s great.

    This guy though… he just threw me around like a dog throws a toy…

    I feel sad for me! Sweet Mary! I love me. I won’t let myself get thrown around again. I won’t put myself in harm’s way again… oh I so love to be loved, and kissed, and touched… WHEN… ?? ! ? When will it be MY TIME?

    It needs to be soon…

    It will be soon…

    So.

    The only thing to do is stay in the game. Get back online. Think the best. Forget the guys who are not in front of me… consider those who are… and try not to take care of the whiners who can’t stand the competition… I don’t want a man who won’t compete.

    oooooooooooh poor me!

    i love me.

    I love my sadness. I love my neediness. I love my sexiness. I love it that i can’t rise above it and not WANT a man to touch me, hold me, kiss me, speak nothings in my ear…

    I’m sorry I can’t take your course now Rori until something changes… I’ve taken a few, spoken to you on the phone several times, and I learned so much! I just have to buckle down and get to work now.

    Would it be possible to buckle down, get to work AND date? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. If I can train myself to put myself and my career first, and not let a man get in the way of my success, maybe…

    Oh that line of thinking feels so foreign.

    I wake up every morning and rush over to the computer to touch base with humanity. I think I might be an extrovert. And a romantic.

    I will have a man. There is a lot of interest. I will have my choice of men.

    So that sounds amazing! I’m in!

    IamHis… your situation sounds awesome and amazing to me!



  18.  #18IamHis on July 1, 2017 at 3:01 am

    Rori, I feel thrilled to hear from you! Thank you so much! 🙂



  19.  #19mary on July 1, 2017 at 3:54 am

    okay.

    i think i’ve lost this good man.
    this man who matches me in so many ways.
    this man i could have respected.
    this man who made me feel wild with desire.
    this man who was so into me.
    this man who was so intelligent.

    okay. i’m just gonna turn that around.
    I have not lost this good man.
    this man who matches me in so many ways.
    this man i respect.
    this man who makes me feel wild with desire.
    this man who is so into me.
    this man who is so intelligent.

    since i didn’t know him,
    in a way,
    he was just a projection of my own hidden qualities…
    good and bad,
    because that’s the way love works.

    I didn’t lose him.
    i lost my fantasy man.

    we project ourselves onto others
    and in falling “in love” with them
    we are seeing our own qualities,
    hidden from our normal views,
    and we are loving ourselves,
    and bonds form.

    later, when projections are dissolved
    during the course of daily life,
    as we begin to see our partners for who they really are,
    we still have the bonds.

    either we break them and seek other highs,
    by continuing to project onto others and trying to hold onto those blissful moments,
    or we stay in relationship and begin to truly love the real person.
    and that is real love.

    that is what i understand, anyway.

    so… to help myself through this very painful thing,
    (and i’m embarrassed to the nines that this is painful!)
    i will acknowledge that those things
    that i saw in this man,
    whether they really belong to him or not,
    are also parts of me,
    that i can love and honor
    and nurture.



  20.  #20Indigo on July 1, 2017 at 8:19 am

    The lesson that what I fall in love with in others is usually a projection of what is in myself is something I’ve learned very recently.

    It really helps to remember that when we think of someone as “the perfect man” or pine for someone. I’ve fallen into that way of thinking myself. These days it helps to remember why that man is not in front of me now. There’s always a good reason. That helps to temper that feeling.



  21.  #21mary on July 1, 2017 at 11:19 am

    Hello Indigo!

    What did you mean when you said, “These days it helps to remember why that man is not in front of me now. There’s always a good reason. That helps to temper that feeling????”

    When I think of why he’s not in front of me, I think of me saying the wrong thing, me leaning forward, me not responding to his text quickly enough, etc. Trying not to be down on me, but I believe if I had done things differently he might be in front of me now.

    And he is nowhere…



  22.  #22mary on July 1, 2017 at 11:30 am

    but i do have a fun date tonight…

    so!

    this amazing man is missing out on some very fun times with me…

    he was so much about texting, and it was witty and funny and i would just laugh out loud! and i was witty and funny too!

    but the guy tonight is sincere and he’s doing all those take-charge things that I love! Yay! I love being treated that way!



  23.  #23mary on July 1, 2017 at 9:56 pm

    I have a friend who is hiking the PCT (The Pacific Crest Trail) from Mexico to Canada at this moment, and he gathered together a bunch of people on social media before he started (a few months ago) and he’s writing a blog about it as he’s doing it.

    We all chime in with prayers and congratulations and oh no’s when something goes wrong, and we’re a very constant support for him.

    How wonderful!

    I too have been on a trail. I’ve been putting myself out there, doing roller coaster activities, not as a physical exertion or as a test of stamina, but as an extreme mental, emotional and spiritual exercise. And my heart has gotten involved at times and it has pulled me one way or another, against the better judgement of my mind, and I have had almost NO SUPPORT.

    Except you Rori, and you sirens on this blog…

    And I have to say that I’ve felt that my life was over many times since I began this journey a few months ago. There were three guys that I really liked who just DROPPED me, for reasons unknown to me. It feels like the danger level is not unlike the journey of my friend, who he is interacting with so many people! It must be wonderful to just know that they’re there, in the background, as he makes his moves.

    My friends are a bit against this idea of circular dating, or they don’t understand it, so I don’t try to explain it to them, so I’ve been virtually alone.

    Anyway…

    My date tonight was just amazing. This guy is definitely a keeper. He said he wants to see me two or three times a week, just so he can get to know me. I should date whoever I want, he said; he’s not worried about it. He’s just enthralled by me and wants to spend as much time with me as I will allow.

    He asked lots of questions. About intimacy, about all kinds of things. And I answered truthfully, not couching the answers in any kind of language, not trying to second-guess how the answers would come across.. just whatever came to mind.

    He was IN.

    He thought I was the best thing he’d ever run across.

    He is handsome, spiritual, capable, a great father, a loving soul, and he’s fine with whatever competition comes his way.

    Wow.

    That was easy.

    How did that happen?

    I am mystified by all these experiences… and I could never have predicted any of it…

    But I feel happy tonight.

    And very thankful.

    Yes, I do!

    How wonderful!!!

    Love,

    Mary



  24.  #24Indigo on July 2, 2017 at 1:41 am

    Mary,

    There is always another reason, aside from something you did. A relationship is about two people, and it takes two people to make it work. For the sake of balance, it’s important to remember both sides of the equation. In my case, when a man is not in front of me, it is usually for one of two reasons (or both):

    1. I said “no” to something about him. That equation involves both *my* choice and whatever behaviour or quality he exhibited that I said no to.

    2. I made a “mistake” or did something I maybe shouldn’t have done (this is the scenario you are talking about). Here again, there are two sides to this equation. There are my words or behaviour. And then there are whatever causes or reasons or provocation caused me to do or say these things. If I leaned forward, why did I lean forward? Was it because he wasn’t being very consistent or considerate with his communication? If I said the wrong thing, did I feel provoked, not respected, not taken care of, or any number of other things? It’s rare that a “mistake” costs us a great relationship, in my experience. If someone does not bring out the best in us, that in itself is cause to question the relationship, in my opinion.

    I have done behaviours in relationships that I am not proud of; I have said and done things that I wish I could take back. But I have to say, I would never wish to take them back in order to be with that guy again; I would only wish to take them back so that I could be the person I could feel good about and know in my heart that I am.

    Point is, when I say “remember the reasons he is not in front of you,” I am referring to his part in the equation of why we are no longer together. If a man drops you, that in itself tells you he is not the right man for you, and him not being with you any more is not a cause for regret.

    For my part, I want a man who loves me and would never want to leave me, and brings out the best in me.



  25.  #25mary on July 2, 2017 at 4:46 am

    Hi Indigo…

    Thank you!

    If it’s a reason aside from something I did, maybe it could be another woman? Or an accident? (in which case he should notify me…) A family emergency of some kind? Possibly he suffered some kind of loss?

    If it’s something I did, or who I was, or if it was something intangible that just didn’t agree with him… that’s okay. The guys I dropped – I couldn’t really tell you why they didn’t work for me. They just didn’t.

    I think it was because I said no when he asked me for lunch just after we spent an evening going out. I said no, I really must call my lawyer, etc., and he said he missed me. I said, “already?” (oh WHYYYYY did I say that, and was he really THAT sensitive?) and he didn’t like it. He let three or four days go by without any communication at all…

    I don’t KNOW that it’s over. Only a few days since our last communication. It feels so dramatic and stressful though!

    Oh it might be easier if I was on the real trail! The outdoor trail… doing the physical challenge instead…

    Meanwhile the other guy is just being so amazing… I like him so much. It’s like we’re friends, but he’s handsome too, and I’m attracted to him… we’ll see!

    What is going on with you, Indigo?

    Thank you.



  26.  #26Indigo on July 2, 2017 at 9:56 am

    Mary, thanks for asking. I am recovering from my break up. “Every day, in every way, it’s getting better and better,” as the song says. I feel quite good about myself and my life now. I have an adorable cottage in a beautiful place, I have a little money coming to me from a wise property investment that I made, and I have the work-from-home job that I always wanted. I’ll never be wealthy doing it, but I’ll be comfortable, relaxed and happy, which for me is so much better.

    So considering my life is taking off, I plan to be cautious before allowing a man into it again. This time around, I have a clear idea of what I want. I am fine with accepting dates, but I’m going to take it extremely slow and be extremely discerning. My mom says I have a tendency for taking in “lame ducks” and the last thing I want is another one of those. I want a strong, handsome, intelligent man of integrity. I have a clear idea of him in my mind.

    I’m on Tinder and OkCupid. It looks like I have a date next week Sunday actually. My focus is not on finding a boyfriend, however, or even on circular dating. My focus is on myself. Healing, pampering and loving myself. Making friends. I’m having a small get-together at my new cottage in 2 weeks’ time. The first time I have thrown a party in years and years. So that’s great, and is a bit of a leap for me.

    🙂



  27.  #27mary on July 2, 2017 at 3:36 pm

    oh my goodness, Indigo! That all sounds lovely!

    I wish I could come help you with your party. I do that all the time. Love having people over! (Let me know if you need any ideas at all!) Hope it works out for you just the way you’re envisioning… but not to worry if it doesn’t! Every party has its own personality and you can only lay the groundwork and then, when the people arrive, give up, be present, be amazing, and see what happens! Usually something magical will be in the air…

    I like it that you’re gonna go slow and you’re gonna be very discerning! Some men want to take it fast! They get their hearts involved right away… but it sounds like you’re in such a good place.

    Can you believe it? This guy that I like texted me this morning. I was obsessing about him again, and I decided to take myself down to the lake and go for a walk to quit thinking about him. I went over the texts that had been sent (AFTER I decided that I wouldn’t try to figure him out) and decided that they were all beautiful, and that I would respect him if he came my way, and I got the text then.

    He seems like a man who has a big manly persona but might also be quite shy. And not ready for rejection. And taking it very, very slow.

    So that went well but no plans were made…

    waiting again!

    meanwhile working on other plans.

    He will do what he will do. His stuff is his stuff.

    I will do what I will do. My stuff is my stuff.

    I am here now.



  28.  #28Candace on July 3, 2017 at 7:36 am

    Dear Rori,

    Please write something about HOW TO DEAL WITH A MAN WITH A (S*X / P*RN) ADDICTION.
    I am in a situation with a friend, he has been trying countless times to involve me sexually with him.
    The sexual vibe that comes of him is so strong, I googled about this addiction and he ticked every box (lies, etc).
    We have this man-woman relationship, I feel loved by him, and I don´t want to mother him, but can I talk to him about it, and how? I don´t necessarily want a relationship with this man, but I care, we have got history, and I just care. Please help.

    Love, Candace.



  29.  #29mary on July 3, 2017 at 11:40 am

    i’m getting glimpses into it…
    the carefree woman, running her own life…
    riding her own horse…
    smiling at strangers…
    soaking up the wonderful.

    it’s happening!
    and my businesses are gonna take off!
    first things first…

    and i cannot afford much more time or energy or drama
    on men who text and don’t call and don’t ask me out.

    texting is so not where it is!
    there is no sound to the voice…
    no look in the eyes…
    no body language…

    and i don’t know if i can keep going with it.

    — except —

    that there is the idea that i won’t allow it to put me back on the roller coaster.

    i went on a ride.
    it was exhilarating, terrifying and paralyzing…

    i walked away and i am just here now.

    if i get a text, okay!
    i’ll return it.
    no big deal.
    no hopes.
    no dreams.
    just words.

    if i get a call,
    YAY! that’s a start!
    i’ll reward the caller with words of affirmation
    and promises of smiles in person…

    but i will stay focused on me
    miss Mary!

    i will work my life.
    my goals, my dreams
    my businesses.
    my tan.
    my business plans!

    men will come and go,

    and i’ll be curious
    about which one will go the distance
    and win the forever me…

    and that man will get a prize
    because i’m working on that prize
    right now, as we speak!

    and i can just relax
    and do the things i do…
    and pay attention,
    and enjoy the mysteries of life…

    and build into my life
    and make it really, really good…
    oh! creative me!

    i can do this.

    i’m here now.

    hey, Rori?



  30.  #30Rori Raye on July 3, 2017 at 6:00 pm

    Mary – yayy for your date and I believe you can’t “lose” anyone. Everyone has their own agendas, journeys, paths – and if they’re meant to be with us, we work things out. Yet, we can experience “loss” bigtime. I so totally want to hug you for all the pain you’re feeling…and if my life and that of so many women I know and work with are evidence – use the tools, shift your vibe – and a man that’s right for YOU will show up! Right now, while you’re all tied up in this one man, YOUR man may not be able to see you – so yayy to visible! Love, Rori



  31.  #31Rori Raye on July 3, 2017 at 6:01 pm

    Indigo, so great to have you here! And brava to your “life!” and your care for yourself. This will unfold as you desire, I really believe that. Love rori



  32.  #32mary on July 4, 2017 at 8:51 am

    thank you Rori!

    i went on a sailing adventure last night to see fireworks.
    i know the man has been interested in me…
    but there were things that I didn’t think would work with him.
    for one, he’s about to buy a bigger boat and just take off sailing…

    i’d go, and he’d ask me,
    but i have some debt that i need to clear
    and some plans for my businesses

    he got interested in another woman
    and we all went sailing together
    and that woman died last week suddenly.
    very, very sad!

    so i went with him last night.
    the sailing, the wind, the fireworks, the food, the drink, the wind, the music…
    and later, helping him tie up the boat…

    it was pure fun.
    not the right man for me, but pure fun.

    i’ll just be concentrating on these beautiful moments
    that happen sometimes in life…
    while i work forward my business plan…
    and date when it works to do that…

    i’m catching glimpses (best description) of the dating mindset.
    i really am seeing it…

    and it’s less painful when i can see myself
    like i’m going down a river…

    when i try to catch on to the things on the bank,
    it hinders my progress…
    as they’re not moving with me.

    better to keep going!
    and eventually someone will come
    who is also going down the river…
    and we’ll hold hands as we go…

    who knows?
    maybe it’ll be him…
    my experience says no…
    but strangers things have happened!



  33.  #33Rori Raye on September 8, 2017 at 4:07 pm

    Candace – go talk to Dominique at sexandheart.com or to Mariah Grey at mariahgrey.com – these women know what to do about this…Love, Rori