How To Be In Your Dignity – The Jennifer Aniston Character

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What can you learn from a movie?

My whole life, I’ve been learning from actresses on the big screen (and on TV, too.) – not from who they are in their real lives – but from the characters they portray – and from the sheer fearlessness of how they portray them.

I see them open up their emotions and let us see inside them – and know how thrilling that is – and so I know that if I do it, too, it will be thrilling for someone else.

I see need and desperation, rage, frustration, depression, shyness, low self-esteem and imperiousness.  I see women characters bear themselves like royalty, and I see them fold their bodies around themselves like servants. I see women characters in all kinds of situations behaving in all kinds of ways.  I see loving and caring, wacky, and completely self-involved.

On the screen, in a story – I can see what all that LOOKS like.

I can be inspired.

So – let’s be inspired by these characters in He’s Just Not Into You (not by the actresses – we all know they struggle in their lives just like we do…though some are very helpful to follow) – but by the characters.

Let’s start with the Jennifer Aniston character – I’ll describe her and the lesson she brings in one word: Dignity.

The hallmark of this movie is how every female character is so brave.  So willing to change directions, to learn, to start fresh – to hear the TRUTH.  They don’t flinch.  When they get helpful information, they act on it, they learn.

In Jennifer Aniston’s case, she’s been living for 7 years with Ben Affleck in a wonderful, easy, fun, communicative, lovely relationship – but he “doesn’t believe in marriage.”

Like all of us – she doesn’t believe him.  She believes that it’s only a matter of time, that he’ll come around – all the things we’ve been taught to believe and to go on.  In the movie, they set this up as a fantastic relationship, and I do know of one woman in a similar situation (with a fabulous relationship) – but most of the time, after just 2 years, if marriage isn’t on the table the relationship usually isn’t actually going very well in the day to day.

As the Ginnifer Goodwin character starts to learn more about men and relationships from her “friend” (played by Justin Long), and share what she’s learning with her girlfriends (Aniston and Connelly), she starts to talk about the stories we women have been told – and how totally bogus and wrong they are.  She starts to talk about the truth – that with a man, most of the time, what you see is what you get.

There’s not a lot of underlying stuff around why he doesn’t call, why he doesn’t marry, why he’s being distant…a man basically does what he wants.

And so Aniston finally hears the truth – that if her man says doesn’t want to marry her – he…doesn’t want to marry her.

And so she actually asks him directly.  And when she realizes it’s not going to happen, she breaks up with him. And she does it in a hugely dignified way – a way of taking care of herself, instead of trying to make HIM wrong.

She endures humiliation, and discomfort, and loneliness, and all kinds of things – and she never, ever falls into neediness or desperation.  And then Ben shows up for her.  He shows up for her in such a huge way, she makes a decision.  It’s not a traditional decision.  It’s not a decision she would have planned, but she makes a decision to do it Ben’s way, because of all the good things about their relationship.

And you can see, right there, that she’s not just “saying” it.  She means she’ll never talk about marriage again.  She’s made a decision of her own free will, and will not ever blame him for how her life goes.

Just watch how she carries herself, how she never Leans in, how she never makes him wrong, how she never starts a fight.  Notice how she never gets “cold” – how she always stays warm and open – no matter what happens. She’s coming from a place where she believes in herself.

Now, we know, in life – her situation would be incredibly painful, and just keeping ourselves together would not be as smooth as Aniston makes it out to be (and we all know that Jennifer Aniston has been through it as bad as anyone – if you add in her experience with the end of her marriage and relationships since being so public – her love life experiences seem a whole lot worse than what most of us have to go through…) – so she created this character either from who she really is or from how she’d LIKE to be, and either way, she couldn’t have done it if she didn’t have that dignity IN her – and so we ALL do.

So – here’s how to do Dignity without going “cold”:

1. Lean back. Pull your energy back into yourself from wherever it is.

That means – if you’re thinking about a man – stop, and focus on your insides, how you feel, the knot in your stomach.

If you’re remembering and reliving a painful moment with a man – notice you’re doing it, and pull the energy away from the image and back to your body – your shoulders, your heart, your pelvis.  Pull the energy back into you. Now…

2. Imagine you’re a fairy princess, or a goddess, or an angel or a warrior or a queen, and that you’re made of gold and diamonds.  Imagine the heaviness of your golden, diamond-covered self.

Let the weight of you sink into the floor.  Let yourself feel your substance, your emotional and energetic importance, how you matter, how you’re grounded in the earth, how important it is that you are where you are, that you exist. Now…

3. Breathe.

Experience what it feels like to be so important and dignified.  What it feels like to be responsible for yourself.  What it feels like to know you can count on yourself, no matter what.  Imagine what Dignity feels like.

Imagine others looking at you, in your gold and diamonds, in your substance and importance, and imagine them admiring you.

Experience what it feels like to feel dignified while you are being admired, and keep breathing.

If you feel yourself starting to float away or emotionally go away, don’t fight it, just sink into yourself and the earth even more deeply.  Sink into your pelvis, and feel the weight of you in the center of your body, in your pelvis. Now…

4. As fairy princess, goddess, angel, warrior, queen, with emotional weight and important substance…practice this feeling of Dignity all throughout the day.

Whatever happens that would normally throw you off – unpleasant feelings, embarrassment, anything anyone else does or says in your presence – let it go through you – take it in, breathe, and do this Tool.

You are dignified. Settle into yourself. Settle into your Dignity.

Let me know how this feels for you, Love, Rori


  1.  #1DocK on February 28, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    I haven’t seen the movie. I’m not ready. I’m sure it’s done well – I am just so tired of being preocupied with what men want or think – maybe seems weird since using the Rori program. Well, not weird at all since Rori encourages me not to care what men think but to put focus back on me and care about what I think and feel.

    I was sick of feeling like men have all the power. I love Rori telling me that I have all the power – I am the Siren!!

    I feel the tenseness in my throat – like I want to cry – not so good at that. I remember when I was young – maybe only 13 or 14 – hell, I felt more of my power then. Now I feel that dignity – walking, seeing heads turn, feeling flirty. Not slouched over – head is high, chest out, ass swaying. Guys like confidence? I don’t care. I like feeling confident. Dignity. Will feel more on that.

  2.  #2Linmayu on February 28, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    Dammit, now I’m going to have to see the movie before I get spoilered again…since I’m way too addicted to this blog to stop reading it! I think I will go see it tomorrow, take myself out on a hot date. 😀

    I feel somewhat envious of DocK because I never felt my power when I was 13 or 14; I only felt abused and put upon and neglected by males. I always felt like they had all the power. I did not know how to stand up for myself and stop myself from being abused; I only knew how to ignore them outwardly while dying from slow poison on the inside. I’ve never really felt my power in my entire life, except for a few scattered moments here and there.

    I want to feel it now. I do not want to keep carrying a mountain of baggage just because some dickheaded idiots said some mean things to me when I was in junior high. Dickheaded idiots do not deserve my power, and do not deserve to have had any effect on me whatsoever except to have made me tougher and smarter and stronger. I feel angry now. I would like to destroy them all…but I will settle for being passionately loved and desired, forever, by a man 100 times better in every way than every frog who dissed me.

    I feel determined not to let dickheaded idiots win in MY life, MY game, or MY story.

    That kind of feels like dignity!

  3.  #3Linmayu on February 28, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    I do, however, feel that “He’s Just Not That Into You” is a HORRIBLE title. It makes me feel like men just aren’t EVER going to be that into us women, and we just have to deal with the fact that we will never be loved, never be married, never have the relationships we want. Like the reality is that love just does not exist and men don’t want to love us, ever, they just want to have sex and then put us aside. That feels terrible.

    I hate to rant and run…but I promise I’ll riff and channel all this…

  4.  #4Ann on February 28, 2009 at 5:22 pm

    This post feels so good to read. I’m going to put it on notepad so I can see it offline too. I haven’t seen the movie but it sounds great.

  5.  #5alias girl on February 28, 2009 at 5:40 pm

    i <3 this blog and rori and all the goddesses here on siren island. i feel good and happy and content and very self accepting and nurturing. i do feel like a queen/goddess.

    i was walking through target today (busy saturday at target. and i had FOUR male workers come up to me and aks me if i needed help. and i really didn’t but the one guy i asked him where something was and he pointed it out to me.) i feel very goddessey that men want to help me without me even looking like i need help. 🙂

    i have men i am emailing with but so far when i’ve given out my number some of them drop off. one even continued to want to email after i gave him my #. i didn’t respond because i didn’t feel like it. i want a Real experience with people. not some fakey online imaginary blahditty. i feel excited about the men who do call though and for the men who have my number but are still growing their balls and once they do, i feel excited for their calls also.

    i woke up this morning overwhelmed with fear. i used all my new tools and tons of self love and acceptance and it only took me an hour to have the fear leave my body. THAT IS IMPROVEMENT AND PROGRESS. and i feel very grateful.

    i loved this post. it feels so affirming. i love the way my life is expanding aand the clarity and groundedness i feel in regards to men and romantic relationships.

    i feel content.

  6.  #6Melissa on February 28, 2009 at 10:22 pm

    Rori, awesome as usual. I feel amazing when I use the tools. Today I was “torturing” myself over something really small that I did. something that a man may have perceived in the wrong way. Doesnt matter anyway. Focus on being a goddess and what I think and fell.. Thats the bottom line.

  7.  #7alias girl on March 1, 2009 at 4:45 am

    this is such a great post. i love the pictures with the words. i love the love behind it. i feel very grateful for rori raye. bc i am changed for the better. and no matter what i have all these tools and a new way of being. a new way of being EVERYWHERE. at work, in relationships, by myself, in relation to life, my body, myself.

    i feel so relieved and grateful.

    i was emailing back and forth with this guy online. i initiated contact bc i had seen him since way back and i always thought wowza when i saw him. finally i was like whatever. and then we kept emailing back and forth and he kept wanting to talk sex. he didn’t want to know my name but wanted to know my sexual fantasies. finally i said i don’t feel comfortable. i don’t know you. i feel committed to dating men who want to date and get to know me. he read my email and logged off. omg. trigger.

    but with all my new tools and new way of being it just took about an hour to let all those feelings discharge (along with all the old stuff it triggered) and now i feel ok about it. i took care of myself. i didn’t go to a place i didn’t want to. i got to see that this guy that i thought would be so great (he looks like my ex and he had a really down to earth profile) but i got to experience first hand that eh. maybe not so great. of course he’s younger. (of course) so that has something to do with it.

    anyway i just deleted all his emails and deleted him from my favorites and got offline.

    i feel goddessey. i wouldn’t do nything different. i feel empowered. i feel high quality and respectable.

    also i know he emailed me like an hour later god knows why bc i didn’t go back on the site to read his email.

    i feel bad. i feel bad. i don’t want that in my life. blech. ew. ew.

    but in the past i seriously would have convinced myself that he was interested in getting to know me. but now it was so clear every step of the way just became clearer and clearer. also the big fantasy with my cafe guy- that spell’s been broken too. i rarely even think of these men who used to take up all this energy and space in my heart. just pining pining pining for some fantasy to come true.

    what’s happening RIGHT NOW? do i feel Good or Bad? THIS IS WHAT INTERESTS ME. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

  8.  #8alias girl on March 1, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    i feel unsafe to share what is going on with me here. 🙁

    i feel bizarro.

    maybe i will go back into talk therapy also? or maybe i will just start my own blog called bizarro that explores the inner depths of my traumatized pscyhe. pleasurable reading for all.

    but if it’s my blog then people can’t get all uptight. it would be like someone coming into my house and admonishing me for how i have it set up or how it’s organized or what art i have on the walls. you know? if they were visitng my blog of their own free volition i would assume it is bc they enjoy doing so and get something of value out of it.

    look for my upcoming blog soon. BIZARRO. BY ALIAS GIRL. Hah.hah. just kidding. i don’t think i’m going to do that.

  9.  #9Maria on March 1, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    l have to agree on Linmayu comment of the headline “He is just not that into you”. Its pretty hopeless in the other hand but maybe there is a catch of attracting audience? If you put the headline something like “Happy ever after”, or “Wedding bells finally” you wont break the records.
    When l was in high school, we had lot of girls in our class, who were totally outstanding, beautiful and charming. One of them was living in my neighbourhood and her favourite hobby was to give me reports of the next guys to fall into her. And to my mind, she was not even bluffing, she was indeed alluring and beautiful and everything she said, was not even under question.
    Now the dilemma comes in, when l think about this headline – are there girls that never have this problem of guys “not just being not into them” ? Thinking back of my classmate, she probably did not know the meaning of it at all. Lucky girl!
    What l ve been thinking is that maybe there are some girls that never need any tools or advices and maybe they are gifted, but what l liked about that movie was that it gave hope.
    When Gwinnie, after hearing so many “insight info” about how guys act, when they are “not into you”, asked his friend: “if noone likes me, whos gonna be left to like me?” Nad if u see , how the movie ends, it is so warm and gives good energy.

  10.  #10Linmayu on March 1, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    I’d follow an Alias Girl blog any day. 😀

    Just got back from seeing the movie. I cringed, I cried, I felt some old things come up, I felt upset that I’d never had a random man connect with me at the grocery store like Scarlett Johansson’s character, I felt upset that I never had a man say “I’m so into you.” Jennifer Connelly’s character is so much like me in so many ways. I love how she seems like a big sister to Ginnifer Goodwin’s character and gives her the “Don’t call him” talks, as I’ve done that more than once with girlfriends (who never listen to me, or take quite some time to do it). I won’t tell too much before Rori posts about her, but I was so inspired by how that woman made a decision, stuck by it, didn’t waste any time. And I loved how all the women didn’t hesitate to tell a man off when it was necessary.

    In the end, though, the movie didn’t feel so great for me, because I am not so physically flawless and I do not live in such a lovely, connected world (the kind of close, easy friendship that existed between the characters in the movie does not exist anywhere in my life–I have wonderful friends, but no *group* of friends), so I felt somewhat alone and lacking when it was over, and continue to feel that way now. I’ve decided this week, though, that it’s my goal and my job to really feel authentically happy as much and as often as possible. So that is how I want to feel now, just authentically happy. That would feel like dancing, like lightness in my body, a smile on my face. I currently feel that heavy ball thing in my head so I’ll emo-trance it out and dance!

  11.  #11alias girl on March 1, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    aw reshi thank you. i feel accepted and that feels like an open heart and a safe place to stand. 🙂

    i relate to what you said about your relationships to girlfriends. i loooooong for close relationships like they portay on tv and in movies. where the people just accept each other and it’s all ok and even fun. i try but i get discouraged when i get triggered and then i retreat back into mistrust.

    i feel confused about your relationship to your appearance. everytime you say something i go back and check you picture bc i feel maybe she’s really this person she describes. but then i look at your picture and i see goddess. so i feel confused sometimes but i understand we grow up being different and different is ick then. but you have such a beauty. all the goddesses on here are so beautiful and unique. (i peeked!) siren island is for reals, y’all!

    maria i feel compassion and protection towards you. sometimes people in the world give us messages about ourselves and we internallize them and call them true. you are a goddess. i don’t know who told you you weren’t or what reason they had for doing so. but i feel convicted that you are a goddess cut from the finest cut of cloth available. you may or not be ms. cheerleader in high school. but you are a goddess. take that and call it true. (directive. ah, meddling abilities still firmly intact. triggered! triggered!)

  12.  #12Linmayu on March 1, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    Alias Girl, thanks for your very kind compliment. I frequently hear similar things from women, and then they will go on to tell me about how ugly THEY are and in the meantime what I’m seeing is flawless Goddess.

    My relationship to my appearance is improving; I did go through quite some time thinking I was literally a toad. And like, if I were to pull out pictures of me from puberty, I really was ugly. I had crooked teeth, bad acne, bad glasses, really hairy legs, and a mullet. I’m so thankful that my parents could afford to put braces on my teeth, because that really transformed me. An ugly duckling who became a swan, or something–and now I’ve found my kindred swans on this lovely Siren Island. 😀

    Anyway, some days I feel like a Goddess and other days I feel like a dumpy, frumpy, messy woman. I try to have the Goddess days outnumber the frumpy days.

    The other day I was at Starbucks, just going up and down in my head, thinking, “You know, I often think of myself as being as pretty as the models on the magazines, in my own way, but men don’t see it. I think I’m not really that pretty. When I look in the mirror I can see that I’m not really that pretty.” And then I saw my reflection in the window, as it was dark outside, and was like, “Damn, I AM that pretty.” I’d love to feel that way all the time, I wonder if it would make me bigheaded though…then again, a bigger head might not be such a terrible thing!

  13.  #13Maria on March 1, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    Thank you AG, first ld like to say that when l looked at Reshis picture l thought – OMG, this woman has a bomb of attraction going for her, she just does not realize it yet:) you are sooooo beautiful, R.
    AG, l have been following your progress of stepping into the Goddess land and l can almost feel the power you have (step by step). Maybe you dont realize it yet yourself, but you have it. just dont give up:)

  14.  #14Ann on March 1, 2009 at 7:40 pm

    As a child I ABSOLUTELY HATED having my picture made. To this day I still don’t like being photographed.
    There was always something wrong with my pictures, usually my hair was messed up. My school pictures were soooooo ugly. But I’ve come to realize it wasn’t me in the pictures that was the ugliness I was seeing. The ugliness was the abuse that was being done to a child(me), the ugliness was the lost of innocence.

    I have decided this year to take my picture more, when I’M ready to, only keep the ones I like, that feel good to me.

    The courage and beauty I see of the woman on this blog will help me do this.

  15.  #15alias girl on March 1, 2009 at 8:13 pm

    ann i always take really flattering self photos of myself. hahah. i stand at just the right angle with lots of light. then delete the ick ones. heheeh. and then in my mind i just keep the pretty pictures of myself. 🙂 hehee. i feel so amused at myself.

    thank you maria. i feel tears to read what you wrote. i feel like i’ve worked so hard and then sometimes i get triggered. i have all these men i gave my # to an none called. wtf. it’s like ball up guys. and some of them still want to email. no. no. no. i feel like i am too strong and manly for these weak toads. (ok trigger trigger i know. ok i feel angry. i feel upset and defiant. i feel mean. bitter i guess.)

    and then i had weird exchange with sexual guy and phew. i feel argh. i feel angry. i feel like there is alot (ALOT) Of rage in me. ugh. i feel naseuas.

    btw i have been tracking my feelings using that silverman(was that her name?0 technique of actually naming the sensations. which rori teaches also. but i’ve taken that extra step and i really like it. i sent an email of those kinds of feelings to online sex guy. i don’t care if he doesn’t care about my feeling. i care that i felt like expressing them just like he felt like expressing his unsolicited sex fantasy to me. here. here are my unsolicited feelings in response. i haven’t heard from him and the sort of sick part is -l’d like to. what is the message?

    what is the message?

    i am attracted to men who view me as a sex onbject and do not care about me as a human being?

    what is the message?

    i have so much aggression in me and i am so manly i like to go toe to toe with guys and win?

    what is the message?

    i hate myself? hm. i don’t feel this is the message.

    what is the message?
    i hate men and attract men who hate women? or i am so needy for a man that i hate him once i find him? and so that’s what i attract in a man. and we are both waaayy overcompensating. ew. that feels sort of close to the truth. ew. ew.

    i objectify men? true.
    i don’t really want a relationship i just want sex? true on some levels.
    i am only attracted to testosterone men who frighten me? aw hi daddy.
    ew. i feel naseoua by my own psyche. nonono. i love my confusion. i love my awareness. i love my psyche. i love my crooked radar. ick ugh blech argh BLARGH! ugh. i love all of me. ALL OF ME.

  16.  #16Linmayu on March 1, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    Aww, Maria, thank you! *blush*

    Has anyone else found that they get very sleepy from doing a lot of emo-trance? I have been doing it pretty consistently since Rori posted about it and I’ve been falling asleep the moment I hit the bed every night. I know she had said something in an earlier post that the body needs extra rest when processing all this emotion.

    If that is what is happening with me, I feel super excited. I feel like decades of emotional B.S. are finally releasing from my body. That feels awesome!

  17.  #17alias girl on March 1, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    reshi that’s sooo cool. i know emily said getting tired can be part of the releasing process. i feel like i am releasing stuff too. i feel so grateful. haven’t experienced that kind of tired though. also she said to drink alot of water. 🙂

    so i was just having a conversation with myself inside my head about men and i said to myself, i don’t see what other prupose a man is for. (referring to sexual) i feel completely neasuious (hey wish i knew how to spell that word. i should really look it up one of these days)

    so these men are my prefect mirror. omg. i feel like vomitting. no wonder i am flat bored by some men. it’s bc i don’t want to sleep with them and so what other prupose would i have for talking to them?

    i love my unflattering aspects of myself. i love my naseousness. ugh. i feel like my energy is just circling around like a storm in my stomach mostly. ugh. my stomach. where the deepest of my trauma lies. i am sure of it. i feel sad. i’m not going to riff here.

  18.  #18Katja on March 2, 2009 at 11:10 am

    My dear fellow goddesses…altough I wrote some days ago that everything is getting better I now feel I was just pretending because everything is getting worse. I feel kind of depressed and really sad,anxious and tired all the time. My boyfriend and I had a big argument yesterday. Since then there is almost no communication. He even said he doesn’t know if he still wants to be with me and our daughter as a family. I tried to focus on myself,it worked until today in the afternoon (now its 18.53 here). Then he left the house and I don’t know where he is and what he is doing. I feel so terribly sad and so alone. I am struggling with focusing on myself since the afternoon. Before it went well,I was doing some stuff I wanted to do for a long time-just some little things,fixing my shoes,fixing a necklace-stuff like that. It helped me to keep my focus off of him but I feel like I only did this stuff to keep myself busy. It feels like pretending to not focus on him. So I am not sure how to do it right. Maybe I have to leave the house to get my focus somewhere else? Any advice for me? I feel like living together and having not that much else to do than doing the household and taking care for the baby makes it hard to really get my thoughts elsewhere. I already asked that some time ago but now I feel that my thoughts are still buzzing around him when I am at home,even when I am doing other stuff. I have to admit that it is not that easy for me. I am still waiting for my Modern-Siren-program (btw Rori,is it on the way already? I asked you over ebay about this but didn’t get an answer. Please let me now.) but I don’t want to sit around waiting. I want to move forward while I am waiting. The other problem I have is that I feel kind of disappointed when I don’t see results. I am too much focused on trying to keep my focus off of him and on the other hand I am waiting for results to show. I know this is the wrong way but I don’t know how to stop this and do it the right way. I am also struggling with being myself and doing things I like. I am asking myself all the time “Who am I?” “What do I like?” etc. But I don’t find answers. I feel like I lost myself. I don’t know who I am right now and that feels really weird and so sad.

  19.  #19Daria on March 2, 2009 at 11:52 am

    I feel triggered and sad for Katja. I feel annoyed by the movie posts. I haven’t seen the movie and want to and feel jumpy reading replies to it because I don’t want to see what happens before I see it. I feel annoyed that I have this “I can’t do EmoTrance thought” and so many people are having mega success with it like I want but instead I get this vague am I doing it right feeling and only now and then when I read some New material does it kick in and work once or twice. I feel pouty lips which I love. I feel like I feel everything in my mouth and lips which I don’t like but you know what I can love that too. I love my energy sensitive mouth and lips. I love how if I let my lips slightly open a la Lisa Popeil interview and look at men they get the interested look. I feel hot and buzyy in my head. I love the hot buzziness in my head. That feels like upturning mouth corners, like squeezing in my neck head and booty… I love my squeezing and my head neck and booty… that feels like a sigh… I love my sigh… that feels like more smiling and head tilting. I love my smiling and head tilting… that feeels like giggling and more sighing… I love my giggling and sighing… that feels like head softly rolling around my neck and relaxation creeping down to my fingers… I love my rolling head relaxation creeping and that feels like my right shoulder dropping I love my dropping shoulder and that feels like smiling and tightening in my thigh, and eyes closing… I love my tighteinning in my thig and closed eyes and simile… that feels like yawning… hehee… I feel relaxed… I don’t know what to channel to and that feels like hotness on the verytop of my head and I love the hotness on the top of my head… and that feels like yawning and I love my yawn… and that feels like head dropping forward and a deep breath.. I love my deep breath and head drop… and that feels like I’m just melting myself on the inside and more yawning.. and I love my melting and yawning and that feels like leaning back in the chair, and like squeezing in my feet and knees… I love the squeezing in my knees and feet… I feel scared of someone attacking me that yelled at me the other day and taht is ok… I want to feel powerful and safe and that feels like I don’t know I feel too relaxed and yawny and I love my yawn… I feel like my eyes are watering over and closing a little and my head is tilting to one side.. I love my head tilt and waterying closing eyes… and that feels like head lifting and tilting to the other side… did I say I love my tingly feet because I do… I feel a little dizzy as my head is lolling from one side to another and I love my lolling head and dizzyness and the squeezing in my inner hip… that feels like a big out breath and I feel squeezing in my right cheek I love my squeezy cheek and outbreat… that feels like smiling a little and I love my smile… and that feels like yawning and I love my yawn… I’m feeling very relaxed and tingly through my legs which are pressing against the chair… I love my relaxation and my tingliness… and that feels like energy coming up through my body and energizing me! Wow… I feel very bright and awake now…

  20.  #20heartbeat on March 2, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    Katja I feel sadness and tension reading your comment, and also hope, because things have suddenly turned around for me in my relationship. One week can be so different from another, but I have found that when I have let go of RESULTS, and am prepared to let go of HIM if I don’t feel good around him, and keep my heart open, then I am truly terrified and ASTONISHED! Yes I feel good keeping occupied with what has meaning to me, but it’s not about doing stuff, but about asking myself ‘do I feel good around him right now? Am I prepared to walk if he takes me for granted?’

    Sending big hugs XXXXXXXXX

  21.  #21heartbeat on March 2, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    I’ll be a follower of the Alias Goddess too 🙂

  22.  #22Rori Raye on March 2, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    Oh, so much here – first you all sound WONDERFUL. Alias Girl, there’s a whole new vibe to you, I can feel it – please just keep doing what you’re doing…just keep doing the Tools no matter what and uplifting yourself the way you are – it will shift faster and faster for you as you practice, and you won’t fear the ‘down’ times so much…

    He’s Just Not That Into You – really notice how that line triggers you. See if, instead of letting it strike fear into you and take you downhill – you can see it as glorious TRUTH. It doesn’t say “No man” is into you – it just says “He’s” not. And that’s the essential here. We don’t need every man. We don’t need a particular man. The time has come to take our attention off of any one man, and simply be available to the man – many men – who WANT us. This is about being unique. This is about being so able to be intimate, that you will naturally attract a man who has that level of ability also.

    A very amazing thing on the side, I’m following what Erika is doing, and she’s very closely working with men in the “seduction” community – what we would call “players” – and, as it happens – these men are actually turning out to be the best men – able to actually have relationships. It’s because they’re willing to work hard and to learn about women in order to “get laid.” But what happens is – they’re actually learning to CONNECT – on quite a deep level. It’s a very masculine, rational way of working with emotions.

    So – don’t dismiss any man. Whoever shows up is there to HELP you. Find the lesson, don’t take crumbs, be glad “he’s” just not into you – because if he’s not, then he’s wrong for you.

    About the Jennifer Aniston character. Ben Affleck’s character had his own reasons for not wanting to be married, and in the situation they were in, nothing could change. He was simply not motivated to step out of his comfort zone. Even Jen leaving him was not enough motivation (though he stepped up big time anyway, because he’s a great guy) in the movie – though I would bet that in real life, it might have made a difference.

    The thing is – When Jen was willing to take the situation as it was – basically “giving up” on her own dream of “marriage” because she felt the trade was fair – and in this movie, the trade WAS fair for her (though they never talked about children, which would have changed the equation) – but in life it hardly EVER is fair) she became so free emotionally, so non-judgmental, knowing that she COULD leave him if she ever changed her mind – that it simply kicked him into the gear he wanted to be in anyway. He just wanted to make her happy without her asking him constantly to do so. It just shifted the vibe. Every situation is different. But as soon as you free yourself up emotionally – that makes a huge difference. Love, Rori

  23.  #23heartbeat on March 2, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    I went to see the film this evening straight after work – I feel officially part of the discussion now 🙂

    Well I feel very affirmed and light and positive. The main character GiGi felt like me up until ten years ago, with a bit of Janine thrown in. Then I became more Scarlett, less GiGi (and made the same mistake). With all I’ve learned as I’ve actually given energy and attention to relationships (though I lost some girlfriends who thought it was uncool to pursue personal development through relationships) I relate more to Mary (Drew) and Jennifer…… lol!…. I’m getting all the actresses’ and characters’ names mixed up!!!

    The message feels like…. Be Your Whole Self – not clever, not super cool, not amazingly witty or gorgeous – and it’s never too late to turn things around.

    Oh yes – and I’m doing grrrrreat! I feel a bit embarrassed writing that. Blush

  24.  #24heartbeat on March 2, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    It feels so good to be on Siren Island. Linmayu I often feel dull and frumpy, and recently have been surprised by the mirror. Old stuff. Let’s send it out to sea on a raft and set fire to it!

    Keeping off sugar has really made a difference – I have lots more energy and I don’t crave chocolate. My skin looks brighter and smoother.

    Daria – I have you to thank for the link to more Emo stuff via something you suggested for someone – apologies for the vagueness, I feel sleepy! – it’s been a very interesting and worthwhile journey. Thank you!

  25.  #25heartbeat on March 2, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    Katja I just remembered something – it’s about expressing feelings. I realised recently I used to express feelings when I was feeling guarded and fearful of him, so I would actually be feeling blank apart from scared, and then I’d get all lost in any discussion. So I’m not a seasoned expert, but a long-term insecure person who feels much more centred and willing to risk. I remember feeling angry and unsure of my man – I put it in a comment in a previous post – and later that same evening melted in his presence again. It wasn’t anything he did, I was just looking at him talking. Since then, if I get triggered into seeing him as a big scary monster, I look at or think of his little beard!!! and so his little beard feels like a symbol for me of feeling soft and separate yet connected to myself and to him. Then my words come naturally in an open about-myself way. Sometimes he responds right away, sometimes it feels to me as though he takes time to process what’s going on. I’m finding the Emo-trance really helpful in dissolving my old fears and insecurites about myself.

    I don’t know if this is relevant to you, I just re-read your comment and it felt like you were managing to lean back and focus on yourself, but then I felt an urgency to write about communicating!

  26.  #26alias girl on March 3, 2009 at 12:57 am


  27.  #27alias girl on March 3, 2009 at 1:05 am

    oh ok. i posted here earlier and it didn’t post. ?? ah well. thank you rori. i feel so excited about my progress and really happy others have noticed it as well. yes, i had a big shift as i had mentioned and working with emily helped me through that. i feel so grateful i found rori’s tools and now i am getting better with my feelings. it actually feels kind of fun even.

    katya i wrote to you in the earlier post i wrote but it never posted. hang in there. i feel compassion for your feelings. just keep following your feelings and let them lead you to your passions that exist outside of your love for your man. that way you will have things that truly excite you and get you enthusiastic. you may not find what these things are at first but if you keep trying you will stumble upon something that feels good to you. a knitting circle or crafts or a dance class or a forum online or playdates with other moms. or whatever it is.
    and yes, that way you won’t need to pretend to lean back but will actually have the strength, desire and clairty about leaning back. xoxoxoxoxoxox hang in there!! right now your soup may be mruky but that is part of it. that’s what rori says anyway. 🙂

  28.  #28Katja on March 3, 2009 at 2:15 am

    Thanks to all of you! I feel so much better today 🙂 First I want to tell you all what happened…After writing my last comment suddenly my man (I don’t call him my boyfriend anymore) came home. I still felt really sad and recognized him being in a bad mood. So I left the living-room and went into the kitchen to our daughter,sat down there on the couch with her and I felt so sad that I started crying. I felt the sadness and the pain,I didn’t stuff it down,I just sat there crying. Then I felt better,left the couch,sat down at our big kitchen table and began to read in a magazine. Suddenly my man came into the kitchen and asked me if I was hungry. I said “Yes,I feel hungry.” So he offered to go to our favorite restaurant and get us something to eat. I told him what I wanted to eat and he went. I continued reading in the magazine. Half-an-hour later he came home with the food. I was still sitting there,not moving,just sitting,reading the magazine. He put the plates on the table,asked me what I wanted to drink,etc. Then we ate. It was very quiet at first. Then he apologized for his behavior and for what he had said. He said that some of the stuff he has said was out of defiance because he felt attacked during our argument. He apologized for being so “unfriendly” and told me he is stressed right now because of some circumstances concerning his work and that it has nothing to do with me and that he feels bad for being so stressed all the time. So the evening ended really good and I am feeling better again. Btw I cut my hair yesterday! After all this crying etc. I got up and thought “I want a change.I want to feel different.” and the first thing coming to my mind was cutting my hair because I thought about it all the time but it felt a bit scary because I had grown it so long. But then I thought that its just hair,it will grow again and that I want to try something new and fresh. So I went into the bathroom,took a scissor and cut it off at shoulders length. And I have to admit that it looks really good! I feel like a new person 🙂 And my man was so impressed by this hair cutting thing…he couldn’t stop telling me how beautiful I look! (That happened later in the evening after I opened the plait (is this the right word???) and he recognized my much shorter hair.) I feel much more confident today.

    And I saw the trailer of He’s just not that into you (I couldn’t manage it to watch the movie so far)! Now I want to watch it even more. I felt so familiar with some of these scenes…the little girl who was attacked by the little boy and who’s mother told her that he likes her…reminded me of my childhood…

    Thank you again Heartbeat and Alias Girl-and of course Rori! I will let you know what happens.

    Love and hugs!!!!!

  29.  #29Katja on March 3, 2009 at 2:19 am

    Ah I forgot something to mention that felt important to me! While sitting at the table and eating my man lighted on the candles on the table and said that it feels better to eat in candlelight. I didn’t even think about those candles! I felt very surprised by him changing into “romantic mood” 🙂

  30.  #30alias girl on March 3, 2009 at 2:56 am

    awwwwwww. yae katja. i feel very happy and touched by your experience.thank you so much for sharing that. i feel so proud of you for just feeling your feelings. aw. i feel touched. i feel teary eyed.

  31.  #31heartbeat on March 3, 2009 at 4:38 am

    Wow Katja!!! I feel absolutely delighted for you!!!! Dancy Hugs!! 🙂

    It feels so unsettling sometimes doing things differently, leaning back, saying stuff in a different way – I used to wade in in full army uniform, announcing a list of crimes committed against siren-ity…. but now I feel so much lighter and extremely grateful (and womanly) that I don’t do that any more. And I’m glad to share that with you all, and Katja.

  32.  #32heartbeat on March 3, 2009 at 4:41 am

    PS Katja I love the candle bit too!! Feels like he REALLY showed up for you XXXXXXX

  33.  #33sifsgoldwig on March 3, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    I just saw this movie last night and Im interested to know what all the other sirens think of Bradley Coopers character (the married guy who strays) Is he a trully toxic man or has he lost (or never really had in the first place) the emotional connection with his wife?

  34.  #34Linmayu on March 3, 2009 at 11:52 pm

    Bradley Cooper’s character is a dick.

    OK, I guess that’s not the Rori Raye way to say it. Let’s try again.

    I feel icky about Bradley Cooper’s character. I feel a lack of trust, a knowledge that something’s just not right under the surface of that outwardly handsome man, and that I can’t win against that something.

    (My intellectual take is that this is a man who feels entitled to what he wants and doesn’t care who he hurts in order to get it.)

    It feels fucking familiar.

    I feel a kinship in suffering with both the women who were involved with him. They did not win either, not by my reckoning. Do women EVER win in relationships? My former mother-in-law said that as a married woman, you NEVER get to win, but you get something far better–to be truly loved. And I would say that’s definitely a win.

    I feel angry and resentful that I don’t have it. I am the same fucking pile of wounds I was before marriage, with some new ones thrown in, and I feel incredibly angry and hollow in my heart. A hollow chamber where my heart used to be, because the real thing got moved elsewhere. I can’t even feel it beating if I put my hand directly where it should be.

    I feel I have lost my essence; I feel grief. Well, by “grief” I mean two tiny little tears that barely make it out of the corners of my eyes. I’m judging my grief. WTG Linmayu. 😛 Shouldn’t my essence be worth more than two tears? I want to feel happy and like I have the right to feel happy. I want to feel like I win, like I win by surrendering, and have the true blue love that I know other women are receiving from their men. More than that, I want to feel like I HAVE my essence. I want to be able to feel my heart beat like I did when I was young. I don’t ever want to lose that connection to myself again.

    F this, I’m going to go work out.

    (Wow, what a trigger! Thank you, sifsgoldwig! :D)

  35.  #35heartbeat on March 4, 2009 at 2:14 am

    Bradley’s character wouldn’t be honest – that’s all I saw. And then as a result the women around him felt betrayed. Whatever his reasons were we never get to find out, we only see the results, how the women respond. He seems a nice guy but he can’t speak his own truth – and whether it’s about smoking or his feelings for his wife, he can’t get it right. He blurts it out or lies. I don’t have any strong feelings about his character, though I felt sick when he slept with Scarlett.

  36.  #36Samat on March 4, 2009 at 4:06 am

    Ok i feel sickened by that guys character too. I mean I felt angry as well when he chose to do what he did. But he did hesitate i guess and he started flirting wiht her at the store. I feel like I am goin gout with a guy like this! But Im not sure how to identify if thats true. Bradley’s character seems quiet and like someone whos not very agressive perhaps hes a feminine man. I’ll try and identify. Anyone else feel like this?

  37.  #37Daria on March 4, 2009 at 4:23 am

    I don’t even know who you guys are talking about and I feel triggered. My shoulder is tightening up so hard it HURTS. THank you shoulder. I FEL SO FUCKING ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok… that felt satisfying although I still feel angry… my shoulder feels super many tingles. I am triggered about my EX… WHO I CAN T EVEN CALL MY FUCKIN EX BECAUSE HE DOESNT THINK WE EVER WENT OUT AND WE DIDNT AND I FEEEL SO FUCKING MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My eyes teared up and felt weird and my ear tingles. This man you guys are talking about triggered me about my ex and I feel angry… I feel angry…. I FEEL ANGRY … thank you!!!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL SO ANGRY…. I FEEL SO ANGRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY




    shoulder hurts… thank you!!!! YEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL more ANGER… (my parents are asleep so I can’t do the I feel so angry yell out loud tool)

    I love me… I feel better.

  38.  #38Linmayu on March 4, 2009 at 10:20 am

    I think part of the reason I felt so strongly about that character is that I see the same entitlement and non-caring about others in myself, and I don’t like it.

  39.  #39alias girl on March 4, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    i feel weird saying this but i wasn’t that triggered by the cheating husband character. he was very feminine and as i like to say SOFT. he caved into the pressure to get married. he didn’t keep his boundaries with the scarlet character. just all across the board he didn’t draw his own boundaries or take care of himself or have integrity.

    i felt inspired by the lesson that rori’s work often points to. IF A MAN SAYS HE IS NOT READY/DOES NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED – – – it is probably in our best interests to believe him.

    i feel weird. i don’t want people angry with me.

  40.  #40heartbeat on March 4, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    I feel puzzled that Alias Girl is worried about people being angry with her for not being triggered as much. I didn’t feel that triggered either. I feel a little embarrassed – I could relate to the character as a person trying to protect himself and being afraid to say what he wanted, and in the process making everything a whole lot worse for himself. I used to be like that. I used to feel afraid of my own wants and feelings and deny them instead. It felt like part of the comedy aspect of the film. I went to see it on my own and was trying to stifle guffaws in case the huddles of girlfriends thought I was wierd 🙂

  41.  #41heartbeat on March 4, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    The reason I felt a little nauseous when he slept with Scarlett was because I was naive once. I feel tense admitting that. I feel relieved I’ve moved on and become wise.

  42.  #42Rori Raye on March 4, 2009 at 4:29 pm

    Oh – you’re all going ahead to the Bradley character – okay – I’ll deal with him as well as the Justin Long character – but I’ll still post with the women first.

    I’m going to go with no labeling or judging – in other words, I’m going to call the Bradley/Jennifer Connelly issues all about telling the Truth – and it’ll be about how the Truth makes you sexy, how it flushes out the lies that kill a relationship. This is all about them not having sex, not being close and why, and about doing a house instead of strengthening the marriage. It’s a metaphor that you’ll see – it runs rampant – paying attention to things that aren’t important in order to keep the lies alive. What the whole movie is about, basically, for me, is how the truth, when finally told and heard, effects everything (especially how all the women’s ability to finally hear the truth empowers them to stand up for themselves and change their lives).

  43.  #43Linmayu on March 4, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    I agree with Alias Girl, he does seem soft. Not even feminine, but just…squishy. And my ex seemed similar in so many ways.

  44.  #44alias girl on March 5, 2009 at 7:24 pm

    omg rori, i literally got chills reading your comment. i feel i could burst out in an energy spasm of joy and relief at the truth. seriously. i’m going to be a bonafide GODDESS because of your generosity and sharing your knowledge and tools. ah, i feel my body shaking. argh. i feel alot of energy in my body. yae! i can’t wait to read what you have to say about the rest of the characters!

  45.  #45Daria on March 7, 2009 at 7:32 pm

    I came back to this post after just seeing the movie. And really sank into my dignity. It felt grounding and good. I feel a lot of trust in myself.

  46.  #46Granville Flauding on September 11, 2010 at 11:59 pm

    Jennifer Aniston is so good, and her clothes is so beautiful, smart and modern. She is fantastic! I really like her.!