How To Be Jealous Like A Girl

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A great guest post from Certified Coach Teresa Clement:

I’m sitting at the kitchen table with him, reeling. I’ve just seen a “friendly” text from his ex pop up on his phone.

I go silent, feeling my tummy clench. My heart feels like the fluttering of a hundred sad doves. I feel nauseated and like I want to run away.

He looks up and asks, “Is something wrong, baby?”


My pulse is racing like a baby bird’s as I softly admit, “I’m feeling insanely jealous right now.”

He looks surprised as he takes in my words. His gaze drops; he’s thinking about what I said. “Okay,” he says gently, and pauses. “You don’t have any reason to be jealous, sweetheart. That was twenty years ago.”

“I know. I just FEEL SO JEALOUS.”

“Babe, I’m into you. I’m with you. I’m not interested in her.”

“Okay.”

And… THAT’S IT. Conversation over. On to the next.

And yeah, the issue remains unresolved.

It hasn’t been talked to death, or wrapped up in any packaging that makes it feel “manageable.” And the

ache of fear in my heart hasn’t really diminished much… except…

Except, well, that’s kinda cool that he can hear how jealous I am, and not get angry or take it personally or act-out in a “punishing” way. He just… gets me.

He knows in his heart he loves me. He knows he’s here with me, doing right by me. And he knows there’s nothing he can do but continue being a good partner. He trusts me to see that, jealous though I may feel.

He can handle my jealousy, because I haven’t made it his fault.

Beyond the many small daily investments of love he’s already making for me and the relationship — and his overall integrity of doing right and keeping his word — my jealousy is not his responsibility to “fix”.

From here, the work is MINE.

It’s my responsibility to find the voice inside me that tells me I’m not as good as some other woman — or that Love could ever be taken away from me — and shower love all over THAT.

I also trust myself — that if I should discover a true reason to stop trusting HIM — I can and would leave him. And I’d be FINE. Sad, yes — but no less loved and lovable.

As soon as I internalize all this, I’m immediately less jealous. I can see more clearly. I can speak up, in words he can hear, and I don’t feel afraid of his response.

Roundabout, eh? Yes — and EFFECTIVE.

Love, Teresa

From Rori: You can find Teresa here to pick p her awesome free report “The Rebel’s Guide To Epic Passion” here: http://holdhisheartinyourhands.com/

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7 Comments

  1.  #1mary on January 19, 2018 at 10:56 pm

    oh!

    TRIGGER.

    My ex-boyfriend would “eye up” every woman who came near… and then when I’d ask him about it (confessing to him I was JEALOUS just didn’t work for us,) he’d turn it on me and say, “Whaaaaaa? What’re you talkin’about?” And he’d tell me that he was eyeing up everyone in the room. The men, the women, the children, the old people, EVERYone… And he never failed to say the word “insecure” when referring to me in those conversations. And they were long and arduous.

    It’d begin with a simple question, “did you know that woman who came over at the end and talked to you for a while?” and he’d say, “Mary, are we gonna go DOWN THAT ROAD again? What IS IT about you? Are you gonna accuse me again? I’m just being my SELF! I’m a friendly GUY! People like me. I like people. It’s THAT SIMPLE! Get over yourself!”

    And I’d think, “he’s right. I’m overreacting.” And I’d start loving myself and telling myself I was beautiful, and not to worry, and it’d happen over again and over again and I’d begin to just dread going out with him. So I moved. Then I moved back. And it kept happening. And conversations would sometimes go for three hours! (He was a TALKER…) First he’d listen, I’d say a sentence, and he’d ask questions and more questions, really act interested, and then, BOOM. It was HIS TURN to speak. And he’d talk and talk in long, strung out sentences, get himself worked up, start drinking more and more wine, then end up yelling and cursing and swearing and saying the F word and calling me a B*TCH. If I tried to say anything at all in those two hours, he’d say, “DON’T INTERRUPT! I listened to YOU! Now YOU listen to ME!”

    Oh.

    Sorry. That was at least two years ago… I thought I was over it.

    Guess not!

    I did not trust him.

    I worked on myself. I read books. I analyzed everything. I said mantras. I figured out that I wasn’t jealous, except the normal jealousy anyone would feel when their sexual companion suddenly gave all of his sexual attention to someone else.

    I tried what was mentioned here… tried to keep the conversation on my and how I was feeling. I’d say, “I’m so jealous!” and he’d say, “You’re so insecure,” and it’d spiral down from there…

    I decided that there is a time to feel jealous. And that my jealousy was warranted. And that it was good. It was telling me I needed to go.

    So I went.

    I’m fine now.

    I’m thankful!

    WHY……… DID I STAY SO LONG?

    I got confused.

    I’m much more clear now.

    Thank you, God.

    I’m safe now.

    ~ Mary



  2.  #2Indigo on January 20, 2018 at 11:30 pm

    This jealousy issue used to be a major problem for me, but it hasn’t been so much in recent years.

    I’ve more or less adopted the approach Rori talks about in this post. I’m really honest and vulnerable about my feelings when I feel uncomfortable where other women are concerned. I make an effort to be careful never to lapse into blame or making assumptions, but rather to make it about how I feel. How the man responds to that tells me a lot. I find that most good, relationship-oriented men are able to be sympathetic because they wouldn’t like to feel those things if the roles were reversed.

    The only aspect on which I disagree with Rori is that my jealousy is not the man’s responsibility to fix. I would say it’s not *only* his responsibility to fix. I’d say it’s more of a team effort. I believe these feelings of jealousy don’t simply come out of nowhere and that they *are* responding to something in the environment which is making us uncomfortable, and unless we are constantly and irrationally insecure, that is usually to do with something he is doing or how he is behaving. If he values us and our feelings, that *is* his responsibility to fix. I don’t believe it is right for the man to simply shove the responsibility over to us because he is not actually cheating. If he is eyeing up other women or communicating with an ex, that is a legitimate reason for us to feel uncomfortable and he needs to make an effort to help us feel more comfortable. It’s something we have to resolve together, and if we can’t, then it probably means we’re not a good fit for one another.

    I don’t like this idea that feelings of jealousy, discomfort or insecurity are only the responsibility of the one feeling those things. If the other person is doing things which make us uncomfortable, that is a legitimate cause for concern which we need to address with *them*, otherwise you have a situation like with Mary’s ex where the man tries to make you feel like it’s all in your head and tries to railroad you into keeping quiet about it. No thanks.



  3.  #3Leela on January 22, 2018 at 11:57 am

    Mary, sounds like your ex wasn’t able to do the “relationship dance”, too immature. I agree with Indigo that jealousy is a teamwork if there are legit reasons to be jealous.

    I am jealous and most of my jealousy is self inflicted and irrational. I am working on it by acknowledging my jealousy to myself and sending love to it. Like the thought of him thinking of another woman as pretty makes me burn with jealousy and feel betrayed (silly, right!?), actually it feels like the end of world! In this scenario it clearly is me, he hasn’t given me legitimate reasons to feel like this.

    But then how do you know when it’s you and when there’s a true concern?



  4.  #4Indigo on January 22, 2018 at 11:18 pm

    Leela,

    “But then how do you know when it’s you and when there’s a true concern?”

    This is such a great question, and one that I grappled with for years. Personally, I think there are two parts to it. I think the first part is doing one’s own personal work to overcome irrational jealousy in general – so, not just jealousy in a relationship, but maybe jealousy at work when one of our colleagues gets a promotion or gets praised, jealousy of our friends when they get or achieve something, jealousy over someone’s looks or other things about their life. I think working on jealousy as a practice in our everyday lives puts one in touch with oneself and one’s deeper fears. You get to know what your irrational jealousy *feels* like and what the fears are that drive it. Over time, when you work on soothing and reassuring this kind of jealousy, it does die down a lot and you can recognise it when it comes up.

    I think the second part to recognising whether jealousy is irrational or not is listening to what it is saying. Personally, I believe our feelings are never purely irrational. They always have messages for us, whether it’s about our past, our fears, or about something in our environment or relationships, something in the here and now. If you get into the habit of listening to your feelings, they will tell you why they are there. I can’t tell you how often it has happened in the past that I have had a feeling about someone that seemed to come out of nowhere but later proved to be absolutely accurate and a cause for concern. It happened so often that I now listen to my feelings before I question them. If necessary, I remove myself from the situation and go and process what I feel so that I can figure out why I feel that way without the pressure of needing to deal with the situation and put on a happy face.

    These days, if I felt discomfort around a particular woman or women while being out with a guy, I’d excuse myself or ask if he could take me home so that I can think about what happened a little more clearly. With the pressure of the situation off me, I can think more clearly about what actually happened and figure out whether it was a cause for concern. For instance, it’s not a cause for concern if my boyfriend notices other women as pretty, but it is a cause for concern if he acts on that in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable, for instance by flirting with them or eyeing them up or commenting on their looks excessively. Depending on the severity of the situation, I might need to have a conversation with him. Sometimes, even if he is not doing something particularly wrong, it might mean that we are not a great fit for one another.
    For instance, about 6 months ago, I went out a few times with a guy who wanted to make our relationship more serious. He took me to his hockey practice one night and afterwards, we had drinks with his teammates. Most of his conversation was directed at one of the (pretty) female teammates, and even though everyone else was around and he had not done anything *wrong*, I felt extremely uncomfortable and I ended things with him that night.



  5.  #5Jessy on February 6, 2018 at 1:38 pm

    I have the opposite problem…My current man wants to have me shared with other men!!! its messed up, he doesnt like me to go out or dress up, hes “normal” that way and says he feels jealous. but when we talk about the future, he says he wants to share me with other men…ugh how is this possible?



  6.  #6Ana on February 21, 2018 at 4:18 pm

    My boyfriend had a picture of us on his bedside table that I gave him and it was there ALL.THE.TIME. but one day I came over to his place and while he was doing other stuff in the kitchen I went to pick up something to his bedroom and I IMMEDIATELY noticed the photo was gone. I started looking and found it in the closet on the other side of the room. I was pissed, angry, confused and worried and I asked him why’d he put it away- His response was that he was cleaning and he didn’t want to drop it or damage it. He never moved it in one and a half years and now this??? I just can’t believe it. I’ve been hurt really bad in the past before but with this guy I’m not the jealous type, I really trusted him but now I don’t know, I don’t want to be taken for a fool again. Am I overreacting or my worse fear is true and he got a female visit who went to his bedroom and he hid it???? Please I need advise, I really love and want to trust this guy, he’s a good boyfriend and a good man but I can’t stand this. Plus, we don’t have as much sex as before- I’m really sad.



  7.  #7Indigo on February 22, 2018 at 10:21 pm

    Hi Ana,

    I don’t want to give “advice” as such, but I did just want to pass one some wisdom that Dominique has shared in situations like this.
    Try not to stress yourself too much – easier said than done I know. Just know this: if he is doing something untoward, something he should not be doing, it *will* come out on its own when the time is right.
    I too would be feeling off-balance if my boyfriend had put our picture in the cupboard for no apparent reason, and the drop-off in sex would definitely be making me feel unhappy and shaky. Have you shared these feelings with him? Told him how these things have made you feel and asked if he can help put you at ease?
    That said, if it were me, I would continue to pay attention to how I *feel* in the relationship. That is after all the most important thing. I would start noticing how I feel in the relationship and why. A truly good boyfriend wants to make you happy. For myself, these days I would not stay in a relationship that wasn’t making me happy.