How To Believe You’re ENOUGH For Him

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I’m not pretty enough. I’m not sexy enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not (fill in the blank) enough. I’m not enough. Sound familiar?

You may have read some of Tinque’s comments here, and some of her articles that I’ve posted.  Her real name is Dominique, and she’s a former client of mine who’s just leapt light years in her own personal story to the point where she’s an absolute expert in a very specific area – self-esteem and feeling that you’re “enough.”

And what’s remarkable about her story is that what started everything going for her – from despair to the amazing place she’s in now (you have to read more and talk to her to understand that she’s gone farther with herself and her man than most of us can even imagine) – is that she discovered, very suddenly and rudely, that her man had been looking at porn their entire relationship.

Where some women, perhaps even most, would let this go if all other aspects of the relationship were wonderful (which they were) – it completely destroyed Dominique’s sense of herself.

It was as though her entire world crumbled, and every trauma and fear in her body came to the surface all at once and threatened to demolish her.  So, every time she writes something that I think will help you, too (and if this is your issue, I really recommend you go to her blog at www.tinque.blogspot.com) – I want to share it with you.  Here’s what tinque looks like now, and here’s her article:

I’m not pretty enough. I’m not sexy enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not (fill in the blank) enough. I’m not enough. Sound familiar?

We all have at one time or another encountered this, more so those who as a child did not receive encouragement, support, or love. The voices can be loud, loud enough as to paralyze or certainly impede movement forward whether it be something as simple as a daily task or something as challenging as spiritual growth.

I’m here to tell you that the voices lie. They ALWAYS lie, and it is possible to quiet them. You CAN come to know and own that you are, have always been, and will always be enough, perfect just as you are. That’s not to say that there isn’t room to expand your horizons; there’s always a place for trying new things, blossoming bigger, learning to feel better, feel awesome even and most of the time.

How? It’s not so much in the doing though acting for yourself will play a role. It’s mostly about reprogramming destructive thought  patterns, rewiring neural connections so that you can transform yourself from a frightened being, for that is where all this not good enough stuff comes from, fear, to one of power and love. It’s also about your changing your feelings and opening your heart.

A good place to start is in the little things. It’s also being patient with yourself, and most importantly being gentle with yourself. Make a list of all the things you like about yourself even if only a little, from your physical attributes to your talents to your qualities as a human. Look at this list every day, more than once if necessary. Keep telling yourself that everything you wrote is true no matter how much that other lying part of you protests.

The more you say it, the more you will believe it.

Every time you pass a mirror, stop and give yourself a big smile. Focus only on the parts you do like if only a little. Ignore the rest for now, for truthfully others do not see you in bits anyway. What people see is you as a whole package, mind and spirit included.

Tell yourself you are beautiful, that you love yourself. You will come to believe yourself about this too. Make a list of all your wants. Write them as choices, as if they already are a reality, in feeling terms, eg. I choose to feel sexy, and I love feeling sexy, I choose to feel calm when my mother or whomever nags at me, and I love feeling calm. I choose to be well read, and I love to talk about what I’ve learned, and so on. If you can imagine it, you can create it.

Do at least one nice thing for yourself everyday, something that feels good, eg. a hot bubble bath with a glass of your favorite wine tubside or curling up with a good book or movie, whatever feels good to you. Be a devilishly bad girl, and have fun doing it.

If you ruffle a few feathers, so be it. It will feel so good being true to yourself rather than trying to please others, and you know what, you will find that others will respect you more, and they may very well feel more comfortable with you for being you, authentic. As long as you’re not physically harming anyone else, if it feels good then it’s good for you.

When the negative voices start to push their way in, gently push them away over and over again. In time they will give up,or at least fade to an almost indistinguishable whisper far in the background. Another parting suggestion is to feel whatever it is you feel, all of it, even if you perceive it as a bad feeling. That’s okay, for repressing or suppressing any feeling will only add to your feelings of not being enough, pain.

So allow all feelings to flow through you, for they will morph.

Observe them, feel them completely, and then let them go. Another feeling will arise. In time, little by little, baby step by baby step, you can and will feel better, about yourself, about life.
I’ve been there, fallen into the depths of the deepest abyss, in despair, full of “I’m just not enough in any way,” but there was a little glimmer of hope, so with this desire, a dash of determination, and a large dose of dedication, I healed.

I know now that I’m more than plenty, and I feel really, really good, loving, lovely, sensuous, goddess like. Sure I waver here and there and so may you, but know it will lessen to feeling like a ripple, not the tsunami it once was.

Sure it will feel scary, especially at first, but the fear does fade. It really, really does. You too can heal. You really, really can.

Note from me: Tinque’s blog is named Porn On His Computer, and I’ve convinced her to actually coach by phone around these issues – Porn and your man, and self-esteem. So,if these are your issues, go ahead and find her on her blog and call her, and let me know how she helps you.

I’m going to follow this up with some posts about the “I’m not enough for you, so it’s okay if you treat me badly” syndrome so many of us women have running our lives.

Love, Rori

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22 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on November 20, 2008 at 3:36 pm

    Your article feels very encouraging and inspiring Tinque! You must be an awesome coach!



  2.  #2Sarah on November 21, 2008 at 3:10 am

    I have talked to Tinque and I think she is a very nice person!



  3.  #3Maria on November 21, 2008 at 7:47 am

    Yes this is so true…these voices do exist inside of me…thank God w/Rori’s tools I’ve been able to recognize them and embrace them…I’ve been able to actually start looking for an apt. for myself you see as I was living w/my mom for 2 years and those voices I hear are hers (my mom’s), and by staying w/her, living w/her it had been that much harder. I remember how much I had resisted to go live w/her after my separation, and then on my own deep inside I knew there was something there like I needed to face, and WOW how true it was! IT WAS HEALING TIME! I’m thankful bc I was able to realize where these voices came from, and I was able to go through therapy while engaged in it…As Rori says: People are messengers and it’s so true…I feel so Beautiful, so wonderful, so alive, so whole, have I reached yet? of course not but am on my way, watch-out world here I am!!! I feel silly….lol…



  4.  #4tinque on November 21, 2008 at 12:04 pm

    Dear Maria,
    How inspiring is your story and more so because you are able to recognize the lessons, the messages. I want to add that people are not only messengers, they are also a reflection, of ourselves, and it’s not always something that looks so good or feels so good, but therein will you find more lessons.
    As for feeling silly, feel as silly as you want, be as silly as you can. Silly is one of the most fun and liberating feelings. I do it as much as I can, especially with my partner.
    Love, tinque



  5.  #5Cassandra on November 21, 2008 at 1:35 pm

    Tinque…..I can’t wait to check out your blog. Thank you so much for your article. All of the ‘I am not ________ enough’ messages are EXACTLY what I have been feeling ever since moving here to marry my fiance’ and then finding out that not only did we not get married when we were planning to but all of this time he has been on either online dating sites or most recently a website that is for people who are married, engaged or in a comitted relationship but wanting to have an affair. I was constantly asking myself what did I do wrong or what is wrong with me for him to do this? I am slowly realizing that it is not me at all and now focusing on doing Rori’s tools and working on ME….FOR ME! You and your story are an inspiration to me and I look forward to getting to the place where you are. Thank you for sharing and I can’t wait to check out your site!

    Love and hugs….
    Cassandra



  6.  #6Reshi on November 22, 2008 at 3:59 pm

    I choose NOT to believe I’m “enough for him” for what it’s worth. I choose to believe 1/100 of me is enough for him, that I’m enough for EVERYTHING I want in life.

    Now choosing to believe and actually believing are two different things. And I have moments of believing that I’m not enough, and will never be enough because my value will only decrease with age. So many articles, books, and blogs put that bullshit out into the world. So many PEOPLE put that bullshit out into the world. I choose to believe it’s bullshit. I choose to believe that my true feminine power will only increase. I’ve seen too many smokin’ hot 60-year-olds to believe any differently anyway.

    As far as the other part of it–“I’m not enough so IT’S OK IF YOU TREAT ME BADLY,” I only recently realized how much I do this. We all want to say we’re self-respecting women and would never put up with bad treatment. But I realized that whenever my husband has been angry and yelled at me, I never listened to my heart and expressed how I felt. Instead I yelled back and basically gave him a bigger stick to hit me with. Last night I was feeling a pain in my heart that wouldn’t go away and when I got down into it and asked it what it was about, it said “Listen to me.” The next time he yelled at me, I just let myself cry my eyes out, and then instead of pretending it was OK that he’d yelled at me, I told him how I felt. No massive earth-shattering change happened but the air felt a tiny bit clearer in the house, just a tiny bit. He even showed some compassion for me over the course of the evening.

    And I’m annoyed. I don’t want to be in a relationship where the best thing I can say about it is “he even showed some compassion for me.” Yes it is better than 2 weeks ago and shows signs of improving, but ugh. I want to be in a relationship where he would rather DIE than hurt me in any way.

    I also feel icky because my Circular Dating experiments haven’t made me feel god thus far. They’ve made me feel like I’m out of integrity. I’m back to flirting and dating myself, if I need to date other men to “win back” my husband’s affection then I am not sure I want him. I don’t want to play that game. Because that’s what it feels like to me, a game. Not like taking care of myself at all, unfortunately.



  7.  #7Caj13 on November 23, 2008 at 8:31 am

    Reshi,

    I can see where you’re coming from on this circular dating thing. Good for you for your courage in actually trying it out. As a married woman, it’s easy to feel where a moral dilemna, however unconscious, could enter the picture when actually “dating” men, not to mention possible legal risks in case of divorce. The good news is that you are so in tune with what makes you feel good (and not good) and what you want, and willing to quickly recognize when this technique is not working for you and stop. Perhaps for your situation, the dating yourself version is better adapted. Not just doing things that you like, but choosing ones where there will also be plenty of men to see, flirt and interact with but in a group context. No one-on-one agreement to be with a specific someone in said place for said time. Electronically speaking, not the dating sites, but the general socializing ones where people group by special interests.

    I don’t know what job you have, but I hope you also get to use to the full your quick, clear-sighted, analytical (feminine), synthetic (masculine) mind and powers of decision, for your own professional fulfillment as well as the benefit of whoever you deal with. And if you’re in some sort of ho-hum employment, consider taking courses to get into a career where your qualities would be put to greater advantage. That would also give you a good neutral environment with men to practice on.

    Seeing you hold out for your minimum requirements (i.e. go for the maximum) while cultivating your good-for-you inner voices is truly a spendid example for us all.



  8.  #8Reshi on November 23, 2008 at 4:02 pm

    Thanks so much, Caj13. I realized that I needed to be focusing on healing my own heart, more than focusing on trying to shake my guy up by dating others. Plus I don’t really want to spend time with guys who want to date married women, and I don’t want to lie. But I had to try it to come to that realization.

    My job is definitely ho-hum, a monkey who knows Excel could do it. I’ve never really found myself career-wise; I know I have intellectual strengths but no real passions…except for dance and designing clothing, both of which quickly lose their glitter when I try to make a living at them in this super competitive world. I know there has to be something I could do that would be fulfilling, pay decently well, AND allow me to have an outside life…but I haven’t found that yet and you’re right, I would probably have to go back to school. It’s a lot to have going on in my life right now but I think I do need to figure it out sooner rather than later.



  9.  #9tinque on November 23, 2008 at 4:58 pm

    Dear Reshi,
    I so agree that you need to take of yourself, heal yourself, find your passions which you seem to have already, and you know what, it’s okay if you’re never able to “make a living” at it. It’s giving you life, and that’s what matters. If you hate your job, try something else, but keep dancing and creating. Listen to your heart which it seems as though you are. This is good.
    As for circular dating, I believe this does not have to be taken literally. Date yourself. Mild flirting with other men is fine if that’s who you are naturally which by the way you may not discover until you try, but it may not be for you. It’s not really for me. If it happens to happen, great, and it does feel good to be noticed once in a while by another man, but I don’t seek it out. I’m in a committed relationship as are you and his attention means far more to me than some stranger’s.
    It seems to me though that you may be questioning your relationship. You need to find if he’s worthy of you. He may not be ie. toxic man. You alone know or need to find out if you’re not sure. Your interactions sound difficult though, maybe too much of the time? It’s not clear to me how you express your feelings to him, but if he’s getting angry repeatedly, you may want to look again at how you speak to him. Your feelings need to be expressed in feelings words, and they must be about you. For example in the scenario you gave, I’m not sure what transpired, but if he raised his voice or got upset with you and it felt unjustified, all you need say to him and calmly is, “this doesn’t feel good to me” or “I’m feeling uncomfortable” or something like that, and simply and quietly leave the room. If you are angry at him, state, “I’m feeling angry,” and when he asks why, tell him in feeling statements what it is, eg. “Raised voices make me feel scared, awful, hurt, whatever.” There’s no accusation here, no fuel for a bigger fire so to speak.
    As for feeling enough, I still struggle with this from time to time. It seems to coincide with any major growth, or release within me, for old stuff gets stirred up, and your psyche will grasp on to what it knows so well, old insecurities and fears. Sometimes this passes quickly, and sometimes it takes longer, I suppose depending on how big the release, but it does pass, and a new even sweeter feeling washes over me. Each layer that is peeled away brings longer and longer spells of feeling good, about me, life, love etc. One cannot expect to be in a state of bliss all the time as wonderful as that sounds. After all how would you recognize it if you haven’t felt the ick?
    I applaud you for your courage and strength.
    tinque



  10.  #10Cassandra on November 24, 2008 at 8:24 am

    REALLY ROUGH nite last night to the degree that I give up…..I can’t do this anymore…..I have tried following my dark feelings down the rabbit hole and around and around to wherever they lead me but I am such a dark place that I can’t get out….they just carry me deeper and darker and to the place where I now realize that I am NOT good enough….I am not pretty enough….I am not thin enough….I am stupid and not worth @$^!%#&……just like he says. I am not even good enough for a man like Charles. I hate myself right now….I don’t want to even try anymore……I am so tired. He pushed me last night and raised his hand to me last night – he did not hit me but he was going to and I don’t even care anymore as I am not worth taking care of. I will be alone on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s – he says that he wants me with him and his family but I don’t belong there, here or anywhere for that matter. I have nothing left….I gave everything up for this man and now I have literally nothing including my esteem. Perhaps I never had any to begin with? I don’t even care anymore. I am so angry that GOD brought me through all of the health issues that I have dealt with…..My ENTIRE life has been a fight and I have no fight left in me. I can’t take this anymore….I am in such a dark and scary place……it feels so scary here….so lonely that it hurts me to the bone….my head hurts so badly because I have not slept at all last night and could not stop crying nearly all night long and then he wanted me to come to bed with him and sleep where I normally do? I don’t get it. I believe that the next time that there is a conflict that I will get hurt and honestly I don’t even care anymore. I have nothing left anyway….no place to go and nowhere that I even belong so what’s the big deal?! I hate ME right now more than any words can express. His words are correct – I am not worth it. He told me that this has never been my home that he pays the bills and therefore this has never been my home…when I am contributing to the mortgage then it will be my home too. I have poured my heart and soul into this place and that counts for nothing….when he is gone week after week working – I take care of it but that means nothing. He told me last night that I am nothing and he is right.



  11.  #11Rori Raye on November 24, 2008 at 11:41 am

    Cassandra – Please hang in there and get professional help and support right now. Go to the nearest free clinic or center, or call a Hotline – Here’s an info number – 800-339-6993. Or call information and ask for a “Hot Line.” There’ve been dark times in my life when the “Hot Lines” kept me going and allowed me to rest enough to feel better the next day. You need to speak to someone and get some support. You are worthier than you know, and we all believe in you. Love, Rori



  12.  #12alias girl on November 24, 2008 at 12:05 pm

    yes cassandra i agree with rori. reach out and speak to someone and find support. someone once told me to ask for support and if i don’t get then to keep asking until i do. i have had dark(DARK) moments in my life. the truth is you are beautiful and light. different voices are obcuring that truth for you right now. reach out and call.



  13.  #13Cassandra on November 24, 2008 at 5:27 pm

    Thanks guys. I am indeed exhasuted in every way. I have tried to riff as much as I can today but the emotions are not at all leading me to a better place. I did call the hotline after Charles left and that did seem to help a little bit. I feel as though I am in prison. I can’t do anything until I can get my own place and that is holding me hostage. Charles told me today that he still loves me and wants to work things out and sickeningly part of me was so happy about that. There is something seriously wrong with that. Could it be that becasue I gave up literally everything to come here and marry him that I feel like a failurethat it did not work out? I have nothing left though to go back to and that terrifies me. I feel so alone and so scared. part of me still wants him to love me…to want me and for things to be good. He told me that lately things have been wonderful and have been more good than not good so perhaps some of my work was paying off to some degree?? I hope so. At times I did feel better. I am also wondering if there is something actually wrong with me. The week before my period I am emotionally debilitated….add the Charles stuff to the mix and I can’t take it. it is too much for me….I can’t see straight. I do think that there might be something actually wrong hormonally though. I am so afraid to be alone…I am so afraid that I am not even good enough for Charles….how then could anyone else ever want me? I am so afraid that no one will ever want to marry me and that I will never have a child of my own. I am going to bed now but thank you so much for caring. I love you guys. XOXO



  14.  #14Caj13 on November 24, 2008 at 5:36 pm

    Dear little sweet Cassandra, Do get that help for yourself right away. Your very hurting is proof that you are a wonderful, caring, sensitive person. Making the victim feel that she is at fault is one of the cardinal signs of an abuser. It is not the truth, and repeating the abuse to yourself does not make it any truer. Imagine this was happening to the friend you saw recently in your former town. What would you think, and what would you do for her? Think, feel and do that for you. I am with you in spirit, as is your friend, even if you don’t confide in her.

    Take heart, love, C



  15.  #15tinque on November 24, 2008 at 5:45 pm

    Hey Cassandra,
    I saw your desperate pleas this morning and had no time to respond, and I was very concerned, so I asked Rori to step in. I’m so glad you sought help. Feelings as yours are so hard to deal with. Even when things are going well and hormones are behaving it’s hard, but when things are off, it can feel overwhelming. I know. I’ve been there.
    You are lovely, a goddess, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I know it’s hard to own sometimes; I’m right there with you, but it’s sometimes. Remember it’s sometimes. The ick passes. It always does sooner or later. The more you work on you, the more you take care of you, the more you learn to love you, the shorter those sometimes will be and when they come, they will rarely if ever flood you to the point where you feel like you’re drowning.
    And you know what, if Charles is not “the One”, it’s okay, and you’ll be okay. There are a great many wonderful, wonderful men out there. The more you grow to believe that you are enough, more than plenty, the more they will come to you, or maybe C will transform as you do. Either way it’s a win win situation.
    Hugs,
    tinque



  16.  #16Cassandra on November 25, 2008 at 8:47 am

    Caj13 adn Tinque….thanks guys for your love and support. This site and all of you are truly my rock right now…thanks for being there and for your direction. I did feel better after talking with the lady o n the hotline yesterday so I was so glad that Rori suggested that…it did help. Caj…something that you said hit me when I read your post….you mentioned that an abuser turns things around to make it seem the victim’s fault. In any conversation or conflict that Charles and i have ever had he has NEVER EVER taken responsibility for his own actions….never. he has always turned things around to make it be that I am the problem…that I am the sole issue leaving me always thinking that there is indeed something wrong with me…that I am the one that does not know how to be in a relationship. Now I admit that I have plenty to learn and am trying to work on me and learn how to relate to him as a man in a way that he can understand but I have also wondering if I am the problem. Of course he says that I am and really cannot get whatI am saying when he does or says something that is totally wrong or hurtful he really cannot see it and that in itself scares me. I really don’t see how I would ever be able to trust him ever again after all that he has done. I would never want anyone that love to go through waht I have been going through since I have moved here that is for sure. There have indeed been some really wonderful aand beautiful times but for the most part I am left feeling scared of which website he going to get onto next or is he out with someone else or left feeling left out andleft at home when he goes out and leaves me behind – I am not talking about a night out with the guys – I know that men need that but why does he have to come home at 2:00am? That is the part that I have never understood. He is only ever concerned with himself and what he wants and when and how….even then I am left out. Ihave never understood what is so wrong with me for him to treat me that way. I am just now starting to ‘get it’ that I amy not even be the problem. Tinque….thank you so much too for your encouragement. I do hope that theick will go away and that more and more I will begin to feel good about me….about being me and get to the point that I really do love me all of the time. I do have moments where I really do feel that I do love myself but then there are others where I beat myself up horribly…..still working on that. I admit though that I am terribly afraid to be alone and that I am afraid that no one else will want me….especially now. I am afriad that no other man will love me or even want to be with me….ever. I want to get to the point that that does not even matter to me because I am just enjoying being me and doing the things that make me happy that I don’t even care what any man thinks, says or does. I have a long way to go. On another note I found a website about depression yesterday that had a list of vitamins and supplements that can help with hormonal imbalances that cause depression. I am going today to get them all! I hope that this helps because for about a week and a half each month I cannot function. We will see if they help. Thanks again guys for your love and support.
    Love and huge hug…
    Cassandra



  17.  #17tinque on November 25, 2008 at 1:02 pm

    Hey Cassandra,
    A couple of things, men like C or what it seems as though he is, can smell a vulnerable person from very far away, ones who feel not enough, and they will use that. They are so good at making you feel wrong, but then again so are you good at allowing it, and this is not a bad thing. It indicates a sensitive person and though it can be painful to be a sensitive, I wouldn’t trade it for anything, for it also allows a range of lovely subtle sensations. You are on a nice path, and know that once you’ve started on the road to healing and “enlightenment” for want of another word, there’s no going back, and it’s worth it. You will be fine no matter what happens. And by the way when you fear no one will love you again, ask yourself, “Is that love?” what’s being offered now.
    A word of caution when self-supplementing, especially when messing with hormones, go slowly. Try one thing at a time and in small doses. If it seems to help, increase the dosage. Allow at least two weeks to see what’s happening or not. If the first one is going well and you want to add another, go ahead. If it’s not working, discontinue it, and try the next. Herbs and such are powerful substances; they are drugs after all. They can do great good, but they can also mess you up even harm, so slowly please.
    tinque



  18.  #18Cassandra on November 25, 2008 at 4:52 pm

    Thanks Tinque for your encouragement, support and guidance. When you mentioned being a sensitive and the good things about being that way I had tears rolling down my face. I have ALWAYS been made to feel bad about that…that I was too sensitive or too feeling or too this or that and to me that did not feel good at all it was as though someone was telling me that there was something wrong with me so thank you for bringing out the good in that! I see it in a different light now thanks to you! I do love that i feel so deeply but when it is the dark emotions it can be pretty rough sometimes.

    I so appreciate your guidance on the supplements. Most of what I am adding is in the vitamin B family. I am VERY excited about this as it seems to helped alot of women. I will take your advice though and start out slowly.

    I did something today that I am so proud of…to most it would seem irrelevent but to me it was huge…..I actually went shopping FOR ME today. I did not look at anything for Charles at all…it was all about me. I picked up a few things that I have been in need of and while I couldn’t do much it made me feel so much better to do that for me and me alone. I did get a couple of things for the house for Christmas BUT those things will go with ME when I move so I will have them wherever I end up so I felt good about that. I did not even feel one ounce of fear or anxiety…..no sense of ‘I have to get home…NOW!” ….none of that! It was wonderful. This was HUGE for me as I have been dealing with alot of anxiety about leaving the house…not sure why but today there was NONE of that! YAY for me!!!:-)

    Thanks guys for your love and support.
    Love and that big huge flower hug that Daria mentioned to each of you!
    –Cassandra



  19.  #19Cookie on January 4, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    Dear Cassandra,

    I’m just reading some of these old posts and trying to attach this woman who was so much pain in November to the woman who has advised me in my postings. It seems that you have come a long way in your development process and that is really beautiful. How are things with Charles, are you still with him now? What about your living situation? I remember living with my guy around the 3rd year of our relationship. He treated me so terribly particularly when it came to paying bills and basically being responsible. ONe day, he punched me in my arm, and i put him out. That was four years ago and I think one of my lowest moments which are unfortunately not infrequent. As you know he is still in my life, he has never hit me again but I can tell you that the idea of moving in with him scares the hell out of me (he has asked me to, then in the next breath told me to leave). When I read your comments from this blog, I just wanted to hug you. Now knowing some of your background, I feel a sense of pride in you. I hope you are still doing well to love yourself.



  20.  #20Cassandra on January 5, 2009 at 8:13 am

    Cookie…thank you so much. That means more to me than you can imagine. There are moments where I do feel tha I have come along way but most of the time I feel that I am still stuck. I am trying so hard to focus on ME and do the things that I need to do for me. I am definitely still in a great deal of pain and it is most definitely still there with me every moment of every day. Charles and I are still together and we are still living together and for the last few months…ever since the last huge conflict that we had..things have been wonderful. There have been a few difficult moments but in the overall…things have been great. I am in pain however because he still feels that i need to move as soon as I can get a good job and save enough money to get my own place so that we are not ‘living in sin’. I get that whole spiritual thing but I did not come here to be his live in girlfriend nor did I come here to be in a cold….lonely ….1 or 2 bedroom apartment by myself in a realtively new city to me. I do NOT want to move and I do NOT want to be away from him. We actually had a long discussion yesterday about marriage and it broke my heart in that he feels that while we are going to get married one day he stuill feels that we could end up to be a statistic and feels that one day we will divorce. That broke my heart and gave me a great deal more to think about. I do not want to go into a marriage with the expectation that we will fail. I want to have a committment that we will do wahtever we have to to make it for the long haul and not give up. He did say that he will give it his all but still feels that we could fail. He does not know one single person in HIS life that is happily married whereas Icome from a long line of happily married people….my parents are still together and chasing one another around the house daily! They have made it for 46 years and that is what I want. Yes…we have had some really rocky times and he has lied to me…betrayed me and decieved me but I also feel that he is trying now and the NOW is what matters. Iam trying so hard to leave the past in the past but learn from it…..that is hard. There are times when i wonder if I will ever REALLY be able to trust him fully again and then there is the whole issue of me coming here to marry him and we are still not married. he did tell me this weekend thathe is happy with me, that he does love me and want to marry me but I can’t wait forever. I still feel that if I have to move that I wont’ be able to come back here as it would hurt way too much. I so want to tell him that if I end up moving that we are done. I am in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM that strong yet but I am trying to be true to ME for a change and I feel that if I have to be ripped out my home and away from him then I can’t have him or our home in my life at all…it will be too much for me to handle that way…I just can’t. I so hope that we DO get married BEFORE i have to move but if not then I have no clue what the future holds.
    As for you….if you are afraid to move in withyour guy…then don’t. Follow your heart, Love. You guys have been together for a very long time and if he is not willing to make things right then he does not deserve you….the same as Charles. If I have to move then he does not deserve to be in my life at all. I think that if you are afriad then you really have to look at what your heart is telling you. Don’t do anything until you feel peace about moving one way or another…for now just work on you and do the tools and you will feel so much better. Thank you so much for telling me that you feel proud of me..that made me cry Cookie because NO ONE has ever told me that…ever. I want Charles to be proud of me and he says that he is but he does not tell me that. For you to say that means so much to me…thank you. Perhaps you see things that I cannot but either way..it means the world to me. Thank you. Keep focusing on YOU and stay close to this place…this site….Rori’s tools and the self esteem series…I am doing it all over again for the second time and it is finally sinking in. YAY! 🙂 YOu are a gem and deserve to have EVERYTHING that you want and if your guy wil not step up then someone else will….I am just now getting this. I send you a HUGE hug and lots and lots of love.
    XOXOX
    Cassandra



  21.  #21D on July 15, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    Reality of the matter, as much as I do apply your positive self talk and damage minimisation if people you love have told you are NOT pretty enough, I am afraid it does stick on you like super glue



  22.  #22Rori Raye on July 15, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    D – Only if you want it to stick – your choice…it’s all in YOUR head, no one else counts. They’re not even there. It’s all about you falling in love with you. No one is beloved and applauded by everyone we wish to love and applaud us…Love, Rori