How To Bounce Back From A “Mistake” With Him

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Here’s a letter from Rhonda, and I know how she feels. I’ve jumped off her situation with help around how men work:

The Question:

“Rori, I have given up all hope that my boyfriend and I will ever be together again! We have shared 17 months together…on and off…and now we are broken up for good.

My boyfriend and I have this very special bond and connection that I have never felt with another man before and he feels the same way. The very first day we met and laid eyes on each other it was as if our souls jumped out and embraced each other.

We both would talk about that moment all of the time and how we both felt it. We are soulmates! Now, I have no idea what he feels or thinks. We are very much in love but for some reason, he fights his love for me. He has admitted that recently and said he was going to stop, but nothing has changed.

I did something that betrayed his trust and confidence in me and was honest enough to tell him about it. I did not cheat and no other person was involved…I just betrayed him and his privacy in a way that I am ashamed of.

Because of that, he just stopped all communication with me the minute I was honest and told him. He literally told me he couldn’t believe I did that and hung up on me.

It has been just about 2 weeks now since he found this out and I can’t seem to get him to respond to me at all. I have heard nothing from him since the moment he hung up on me.

I never received it’s over, good bye, f**k off or anything from him….just a click of his phone. At first I begged for forgiveness and stressed how sincerely sorry I was and asked that he please respond to me. Nothing….he is back on Match.com in search of that perfect woman for him.

After the constant text messages begging, I began to back off and not text as much….every few days or so. The last text I sent him was pleading for him to just say goodbye to me to give me some closure, but still nothing.

It has been 3 days now since I’ve stopped texting and still have not heard a thing. I have actually even gone on a couple of dates with more lined up, changed my attitude, appearance some and am feeling more confident. Is it that I haven’t gotten my closure from him that is keeping me obsessed and hanging on?

Or, is the fact that he hung up on me and not responding to me is his closure but I’m just to stupid to realize it and that’s all he’s ever going to give me?

I’ve met this guy who seems to really like me, is chasing me, wants to spend time with me, etc. but for some reason I just can’t get into him. I’m still so very much in love with my ex that I can’t stand the thought of being with another man.

Will this ever change?

Do you think I will ever get my man back if I continue to date and leave him alone, or is it too late and it is really over for good this time?

I know he is meeting other women from Match because he is online all of the time. Why can’t I let him go, knowing that it is over, and give other great guys a chance?

I’m so in love with my ex and would do anything to win him back! I’m miserable without him, just the thought of him being with another woman makes me cry and feel sick at my stomach. Rori…is there any hope for me at all?

I am a Christian and put all my faith and trust in the Lord. I pray everyday for God to bring my ex back to me or at least get some closure from my ex and I have put this problem and worry in the hands of the Lord but am seeing nothing changing as of yet.

At what point do you accept that your relationship is over and is time to move on???

Desperately seeking answers and feeling hopeless! Rhonda”

My Answer:

Rhonda, I’m so sorry you are going through this…it’s difficult for me to help you without knowing what you may have done that so deeply upset you both, but if it’s as serious as you seem to feel it is, then it might take some time for him to let go of it.

That said, 17 months is a very long time to be in a relationship that all of a sudden has him all over match.com.

Here are the things I notice:

You say he’s your soulmate – but that he “fights his love for you.”

Men do not “fight” their love.

Men in love act just the way we do – all googly-eyed and emotional.

If you’re telling yourself that his behavior toward you is about him “fighting himself”, you’re feeding yourself untruths.

Men behave the way they behave because they’re pretty much doing what they want to do.

* If they want to be with us, they figure out a way to be with us.

* If they don’t want to be with us, they make up lame excuses or just don’t show up at all.

It’s up to us to not accept treatment that’s less than we want.

Usually, for all of us, when we do something we’re later ashamed of – it may be either a false judgment of ourselves, based on some old principles that were handed down to us that don’t serve us in our lives right now, or we may have done something that hurt another person because we felt compelled to protect ourselves in some way.

Or, it might have been a misstep, perhaps – but certainly nothing that would cause such a total split in a relationship as good as you say it was.

No matter what happened – I hear you taking 100% of the responsibility for EVERYTHING – and that just can’t be the case.

We all do and say things we then call: “mistakes”.

In fact, my personal spiritual philosophy is that, in the scheme of things, as everything evolves and morphs, it’s literally impossible to make a “mistake.”

To me, we have absolutely no idea how things are “meant” to go, to flow, to be – and so we’re making decisions about things in the moment with a very narrow view of them.

I hope you’re forgiving yourself for even thinking you could “make a mistake”.

You also say how frustrated you are by not being able to “get him to respond,” and you’ve fallen into begging and pleading for forgiveness and closure.

I know you know this kind of thing will NEVER, ever work with a man, and I’m thrilled for you that you’re able to get back to your own life and start dating.

It’s too soon to tell what will happen with you and this man.

He is clearly very angry, and is dating through “Match” with all that anger he has for you.

After all that blows away, he may come calling – the important thing is how YOU’LL be when he does.

You are in a painful transition period. There’s no way you could fall for another man right now.

Just getting out and dating is enough – trying to stay present and where you actually are, trying to let go and have fun.

This is a very important step for you, to stop chasing after a man like this, and turn your focus, instead, on yourself.

To let things that have happened –  be.

To give a man the space he’s created.

To – if a man walks away – let him. Just let him do what he does.

This is the only way for you to find out what YOU want, what YOU need, and what YOU’RE feeling.

Once you’ve experienced stepping back and LeaningBack (after you’ve made your apologies, asked for “forgiveness” and done your best to repair the specific situation that’s upset a man, a friend, a co-worker, anyone!) – you’ll begin to feel how it works.

Everything in love and life is a “dynamic.”

Meaning, there are more than ONE “force” at work.

There’s magnetism, gravity, push and pull – and all of this works between people, things, the universe…

For you, when you step back and LeanBack, express kindness and remorse and love without leaning forward, begging and pleading – and experience all the feelings that go with this (yes, lack of  “control” and so many other uncomfortable feelings) – you move to a whole new level of dynamics in a relationship, a whole new skill set, and a whole new way of being in your Feminine Energy.

Love, Rori