How To Deal With Over Eating And Weight Loss – Is It Necessary To Dig Up The Past Or Blame Love?

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Here’s a letter from Kat, who’s struggling with an old love, and new weight – and feels that unearthing their connection will help her.

I have different thoughts and ideas about all of this – and I see a light at the end of the tunnel just up ahead!:

“Dear Rori,

I am writing because I finally decided I need some outside help and I have read your letters for the last 3 years, getting a lot out of them. I wish your programs were around in 1986…. which is when this all started.

I fell in love with a professor in my junior year in college. We had a long time relationship even when we quit dating and I got married to another man.

The last time I spoke to “the professor” was 2004. Since then I have fought with obesity (never even thought about being heavy for 30+years).

I have been trying to figure out just why I have turned to food and believe that this stretched out, passionate, fully connected then not, relationship and the feelings I still have about it and my anger at my past decisions when dealing with him have me questioning how I can get closure so that I can finally deal well with the leftover emotions…

This is the only issue in my life that has haunted me which makes me think that it is the root cause of the eating disorder (gluttony) I now have. What do you think? Suggestions on how to get this man OUT of my life and my emotions back on track to get healthy? Kat”

My Answer:

Kat – For me (and I’m not an expert, or a doctor, though I’ve been working with doctors at the vanguard of auto-immune disease for many years now) – weight can be worked with in many ways. Eating disorders can be worked with in many ways. (I’m going to talk here just about weight you feel is more than you want to carry on your body, and we can talk about eating disorders like bulimia and self-starvation and body perception disorders and self-inflicted pain like “cutting” in another post where I can get an actual expert to talk with me about it…)

For me, starting with trying to tie anxiety and our personal cure for anxiety (eating for you) to something in our past is, to me, a waste of time.

To me, it’s old-fashioned psychotherapy – and in the time you’re taking to think about it and search for the “instigating” moment – you could be handling the situation quickly NOW – and at the SAME TIME healing the past – with more modern techniques.

New methods of healing emotional wounds and how they’re manifesting in the present are the way to go.And here are my total random thoughts on this subject – let me know if there’s anything here you haven’t thought of or done yet:

  • I love Andrea Albright. She does “Spiritual Weight Loss” and talks about how food works and how chemicals in food wreck you and put weight on you…just good information. Get her newsletters. Follow her instructions about WHAT foods to stuff yourself with!
  • Marianne Williamson just wrote a book about “spiritual weight loss.”
  • Coaching is an amazing thing, and can reframe a lot that’s going on in our heads.

As far as the body stuff – to me it’s about health and the body, and secondarily about the brain. If we’re hungry for something – love, affection, food – we’re hungry.

I’m ALWAYS hungry, and I eat a LOT.

I can out-eat most people easily.

Sometimes it’s about emotional hunger or boredom or worry – but most of the time, I think it’s about hormones, and enzymes, and what my body can and can’t absorb and use and get nutrition from, my thyroid (be sure you get tested by an ALTERNATIVE doctor – a regular, western doctor does not check for anti-bodies and allergies, and Hashimotos Thyroid and high AIC, doesn’t see bad “numbers” until they’re in the bad zone, and by then, you need heavier treatment), and what my organs are doing inside my body.

For me, I like to start simple – with food itself.

So what if you like to eat all the time?

I say – focus on eating what works for YOU! (And you’ll likely need to do an elimination diet and get tested to find out more about that in yourself). Easy way to start is just eat lettuce, vegetables and meat, (if you’re a vegetarian, I encourage you to get tested and do some personal research with your own body to see if that’s actually hurting your particular body….regardless of how you feel about eating animals – it’s important to know the truth about what your body needs and doesn’t before you decide mentally what you’re going to give it to live on…) and…

…stop all gluten and sugar (even fruit) until you start to see a pattern of how your body is reacting to food.

  • I like this: Eat as much as you WANT. Carry stuff with you. Drink tons of water.
  • Find an alternative doctor – a naturopath, or Chinese medical doctor – who can run new kinds of tests to see if perhaps you’re actually ALLERGIC to some foods. There are people out there who can help you with this, just as there are recovery coaches and AA and Chinese medical doctors and naturopaths to help you with alcoholism and drug addiction.
  • It’s WAY easier to never eat anything with sugar in it than to try to be “reasonable” about it. Food addiction is just that. Addiction. And there are all kinds of levels. Your brain is one, and your body is another…many levels.
  • I’ve noticed that my appetite changes with the supplements I take, and the foods I eat, and the kind of exercise I get – and I see this happening with EVERYONE I talk to who’s interested in new studies about health. I also think it’s totally different for EVERYONE.

How about you focus on making yourself a “study”?

  • Find a good new-fangled alternative doctor or practitioner who has a great track record for weight loss, uses real food, understands body chemistry and psychology, who won’t STOP until SHE finds out what’s going on inside you and fixes it!

I’ve learned this over time – I need to take myself, my daughter, my dog and cat to one doctor or vet after another until one actually gets results.  Sometimes it doesn’t matter if I LIKE them – results are the key here. And a lot of the time, it’s not about a diagnosis (which I hear you looking for) – it’s about some trial and error, some testing – and tracking how you feel and your results. Sometimes, it’s about treating the symptoms HOLISTICALLY in order to find out what’s going on with you.

  • Then you take this method out into love and dating – and you have Circular Dating!

About the mental part:

My tools are meant to get you deeper in touch with yourself. That means, that as you settle into yourself, sink into your feelings even when you’re feeling heavily triggered and emotionally intense (especially then) – the old stuff is going to come up.

The resolution for it all is to NOT resolve it. It’s to love it. To FALL IN LOVE with it, with yourself, to whatever happened to you,to whoever was there with you when it happened to you, or around you.

You simply cannot choose to harm a body you’re in love with. It’s not possible.

If it’s calling out to you for food – feed it something! Feed yourself EVERYTHING you can! Feed it love and affection by showering YOURSELF with love and affection and FRIENDS who’ll touch you and hug you physically and emotionally.

Don’t hold out on your body when it’s hungry – give it food and water. Just make choices you’re working out methodically.

The extra weight is simple. It’s there to protect you. Your desire to eat is a part of you that’s madly in love with you trying to HELP you. Trying to give you a gift of love and safety.  To YOU, in your conscious mind as Kat – it may seem like a harsh, miserable, self-destructive thing – but to the part that wants you to eat, it’s a gift of LOVE!

And as you work to shed some of the protective pounds – the part of you that’s trying to protect you is going to become afraid and scream at you. You can count on this. Be prepared. And really, really HEAR this part of you scream.  Really, really LOVE it with everything you’ve got. Embrace it. Forgive yourself for every NOT loving it, or even THINKING there was something “wrong” happening here.

This is a process. It can go fast or slow – that’s up to your determination.

You can DO this. HE, or ANY “he” doesn’t matter. It’s not ABOUT “him.”  It’s always about you, and what’s happening for you now, and no kind of “closure” will help.

In fact, learning to love NON-CLOSURE is where your healing and happiness is.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Femininewoman on October 22, 2012 at 6:29 am

    Sensitive issue

  2.  #2Calypso on October 22, 2012 at 6:29 am

    Wow ~

  3.  #3Goddess Lily on October 22, 2012 at 6:33 am

    My psychiatrist figured out some of my emotional issues were from vitamin deficiencies. She ran a bunch of blood tests my regular doctor never thought of, which I totally appreciated. I felt so annoyed that my regular doctor never ran any of those tests.

  4.  #4Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 6:38 am

    I love this post!!!

    I’m love to eat!!!

    I feel happy to report that I made a new dish last night and it was a success. Gyoza, Japanese dumplings. I’ve lived these things for so long, since traveling to Japan, but they aren’t really available around here. And now I know how to make them!!!

    I’m feeling more empowered around my relationship with food lately.

  5.  #5Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 6:39 am

    Goddess Lily: I’m a big believer in how vitamin affect mood. Have you noticed a difference? I’d love to hear more about your experience.

  6.  #6Goddess Lily on October 22, 2012 at 6:49 am


    I experience myself as more level now, more able to feel but not feel hopeless. Granted some of that could be ending a relationship that was stressing me, while also learning to process my emotions with Rori’s tools and this blog. Either way, I’m not ready to stop the vitamins to test it.

    I am very interested in taking care of myself more naturally now. If anyone has had any success wih herbal supplements or what boy, I’d love to hear about it and learn. My friend just ended up in the hospital over some antibiotics that was attacking her liver.

  7.  #7Tam on October 22, 2012 at 6:51 am

    Hi lama..intrigued? I am no longer feeling intrigued.
    Fed up, turned off and amused though.

  8.  #8Iamabutterfly on October 22, 2012 at 6:52 am

    I feel so excited about the new things I’m learning about nutrition. I was told that I’ve had a glow lately and that feels great!

  9.  #9Daria on October 22, 2012 at 6:54 am

    ‘Women, Yin essence and the mysterious complexity of the female ejaculation
    The male species has long been baffled by the mystique of the female‘s sexual intricacies, most notably in the west. While studying anatomy and physiology in massage therapy school, I became curious as to where the fluid that is secreted through the urethra during female ejaculation actually comes from. I figured the fluids must not be stored in the bladder since the fluid is not urine, so I decided to do a little bit of research to find out exactly what was taking place physiologically. I compared both western and Taoist understandings.

    The western medical understanding of this phenomenon is still somewhat shrouded in mystery and is the subject of much intrigue and speculation. There are, however, two main opinions on where it originates.

    One opinion is that the female equivalent of the male prostate, the paraurethral or “skenes” glands, produce a clear, light fluid with similarities to semen when they are stimulated. Somewhere around 30 glands are embedded in the erectile tissue that surrounds the urethra, known as the urethral sponge. Stimulation to the Gräfenberg spot, commonly known as the “G-spot”, activates the glands to produce a fluid in the same way that stimulation to the male g-spot, or prostate, causes a secretion of fluid.

    Another idea is that the kidneys release a substance into the bladder, which is an altered form of urine. The hormone aldosterone is thought to change the chemical composition of urine during sexual arousal. This idea provides a link between the western and Taoist understanding, where the kidneys store sexual chi (or Jing), and are thus responsible for creating these sexual secretions.

    The understanding of female sexual energy according to Taoist sexology involves the concept of “Three Sacred Waters”.

    This first water is released through stimulation of the “first gate”, otherwise known as the clitoris. This type of stimulation activates the paraurethral glands, which empty into the urethra, and the Skene’s glands, which have their openings on either side of the urethra.

    The G-spot, which is the second gate, releases the second water. It is located on the upper anterior wall of the vagina. When this area is massaged, women often feel the sensation of a full bladder. This makes sense since during arousal, the kidneys produce ejaculate through the release of the hormone aldosterone into the bladder. A woman must be completely relaxed to experience the flow of this second water. Massage of this sacred spot can induce intense emotional reactions, but with an open, loving heart, it is possible for deep healing to occur as a result of it’s activation. Deep, guttural sounds and the activation of the voice/throat center helps to activate this gate. Some women have reported that it was easier to achieve female ejaculation and multiple orgasms when emitting deep resonant tones from the belly during orgasm. This might be due to stimulation of the vagus nerve, which goes from the cervix and uterus up through the abdomen and chest cavity, into the neck (innervating the voice box), and to the brain stem. It connects to all of our major energy centers (chakras), so when a woman engages her voice in sounds that come from deep within the belly, she opens herself up to experiencing intense levels of pleasure and high states of being.

    The third water, which western research has not touched much on, involves the woman to experience very high levels of arousal (a level 6 or 7 orgasm) in order to release the fluid stored in the porosities of the uterine wall and vaginal lining. The reason western research hasn’t explored this yet is because many women never actually reach this deep stage of orgasm that Taoists have such an affinity for. The third gate, or epicenter, is located on the top of the anterior side of the cervix. The cervix contains many ducts that can be massaged skillfully with the fingers (sexual reflexology), toys or penis. Entering from behind allows better access to the cervix, and the Taoist technique of spiraling the sacrum proves to be much more ideal than just thrusting to activate this gate. Direct stimulation to this gate can lead to an intense opening of the heart, so trust is very important since feelings of love and vulnerability are often felt.

    Women are YIN essence–Deep, mysterious and watery as the ocean. They possess the capacity for vast and virtually inexhaustible pleasure, which far exceeds that of men. The power of feminine sexuality can be intimidating and even frightening, since they have the power to conceive a life within them as well as the ability to tap into this boundless source of bliss.

    Unfortunately, many women have lost touch with the cool, earthy, fertile YIN essence, and have developed mostly superficial YANG characteristics. The media, early social conditioning and religious dogma are just a few of the many causes of this disconnect from true YIN essence. Women often don’t value their YIN softness and feel the need to be aggressive rather than loving in an aggressive world dominated by male YANG characteristics. Women have come to look to the “governing” male for sexual satisfaction, buying into the “wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am” mentality of modern sex, failing to realize that the unrestrained and powerful sexual energy already lies within.”

    Nicole Tancredi

  10.  #10Iamabutterfly on October 22, 2012 at 6:57 am

    @7 Tam – hey, you! I guess I feel intrigued because I’ve been feeling similarly.

    It feels curious that he felt angry when you said “just friends.”

    To me, that shows that he must care about you as a least a little more than that.

    or wants to be perceived by you as more than that…

    I’m sensing that you’re not communicating everything to HIM that you’re feeling.

    I get the sense that he is completely clueless because you’re making assumptions and not telling him how you feel…

    I feel extra intrigued because I think that’s my problem with Jack CD…

    He’s just clueless and I’m not communicating my frustration…

    Guys can’t read us the way we can read them…

    I don’t know I just feel curious about this whole clueless guy/frustrated girl dynamic…

  11.  #11Linda on October 22, 2012 at 7:04 am

    I lost 40 pds when the love of my life poofed on me 5 years ago…. I had no appetite for months. Food is not a comfort to me. I do love to eat though.

    When the last man and I parted ways… I have lost 30 so far. I have yo-yo’d all my life. He wanted me to be slim and trim…’have that vixen look” BS… man! Go to the gym he would way… when I met him I weighed 134 pds and I am 5’5″ he was not accepting of that…I did not even try to please him.. that is not a relationship. He told me that it was a “turn off” to him to see me eat dessert… all the while he was eating it. He sat around and ate, complaining he was not happy with his body shape. When I think back.. I am still ANGRY at all the conditions and hoops he put out there. What a mind Fu*k! NEVER again.

  12.  #12Linda on October 22, 2012 at 7:08 am

    I have been eating what I want, just in limited quantities. I do not feel deprived or on a rule fest. It feels freeing and right to me. Funny at 53 I have lost and gained weight so many times… it seems to be in my genes. Kinda sucks

  13.  #13Iamabutterfly on October 22, 2012 at 7:09 am

    @11 Linda – sounds like this had everything to do with his dislike of HIMSELF and nothing to do with his dislike of you.

    also, some men (like my dad) just like super slendor women.

    but there are PLENTY of men out there who will love you exactly as you are.

    and that’s the kind of man you want!

  14.  #14Iamabutterfly on October 22, 2012 at 7:11 am

    there was a guy who “would’ve been” attracted to me, if I just “lost a little weight.”

    Granted, I could have easily “lost a little weight,” but it would have been for HIM and not for ME.

    My body is MINE. I want someone who loves IT, as well as the SOUL INSIDE.

  15.  #15Calypso on October 22, 2012 at 7:11 am

    @ 9 Daria – Thank you so much for posting that!

    I have just recently changed in the way that i climax and at age 48 have started experiencing ejaculations – the first few times it was shocking to both me and my partner . . . In 23 years of marriage, I NEVER had that happen – I was never relaxed enough, never felt that deep love and trust.

  16.  #16Iamabutterfly on October 22, 2012 at 7:12 am

    the guy found himself a little 115 pounder. Good for him, I say. I haven’t weighed that much since I was prepubescent and 11 years old…

  17.  #17Tam on October 22, 2012 at 7:17 am

    Lama, but I tried to talk openly and authentically with him.
    I said it would feel soo good to see him (two weeks ago). I spoke only in feeling messages and it was pretty clear that I was soo looking forward to catching up.
    All I got was a ‘this is a meeting not a date’, he didn’t offer to pick me up and he let me know on the evening last minute – there was no way I would have been able to go there, even if I had tried to get a taxi, it was way too late.
    He is totally afraid of rejection, this has always been the big thing. So he rejects first.
    Of course he is angry at the ‘friends only’, he wants me to adore him and run after him. And HE wants to be the one to reject and tell me that ‘ no, I do not want relationship right now’ – I bet he already had that on his tongue for when things got rough again. And he is moving to Europe anyway, planning to.
    I have decided to get off the train. Stop the patterns from repeating. I thought we could maybe rescue the friendship, but not like that.
    He always used to pick me up and ask me for boating even when I was in a relationship with someone else. Now, suddenly I am supposed to run after him. I have no inclination to. None whatsoever.

  18.  #18Annie on October 22, 2012 at 7:19 am

    Tam says:

    “he is not a man, or a friend, who wants to ‘make me feel good’. It is more important for him to ‘get his way’ and I realise that now.
    Just after I said it would feel sooo good to have advance plans – the day after he texted me at 9pm, saying ‘I am here at so and so bar downtown’.
    I refuse to see that as non-connected.
    I would not even have been able to make it there within an hour even with a taxi.
    He knew. He was just teasing me and it was because I had said ‘I would feel better without last minute plans’.
    His way of saying ‘I am boss here’.
    I just can’t be arsed anymore, bottom line. I have been slapped one time too many.”

    I hear you Tam.
    It does appear like he is testing your boundaries.

  19.  #19Iamabutterfly on October 22, 2012 at 7:19 am

    looked up my healthy weight range. I’m in my healthy range, though in the upper part of it.

    I am okay with that.

    It’s better than hating myself and obsessing…

    I FEEL LOVE FOR THIS BODY. WITH ITS DOUBLE D Breasts, hips, hourglass shape.

    I feel soooooooo triggered….

  20.  #20Tam on October 22, 2012 at 7:21 am

    MrP is totally in love with me and doesn’t know how to handle it. That’s what I choose to believe.
    He’s acting out.
    Can’t support him with that at all.
    If he didn’t have any feelings for me, he’d just be totally light hearted and say ‘I’ll pick you up’, or ‘maybe you can come down and I drop you off home later’….he wouldn’t pout and say ‘I am not buying you a drink bla bla bla’.
    Remember, I knew this guy a little bit before things got complicated between us. He acted quite different, not afraid to show how he felt.
    He even used to sneak hugs from me.
    Now he is like a tortoise in shell – tells me everything.
    He has to get over himself before I even agree to meet him again.

  21.  #21ruth on October 22, 2012 at 7:23 am


    My fat protected me from male attention and sex

  22.  #22Annie on October 22, 2012 at 7:25 am

    Also we have to be in a place of being relaxed about if he steps up and does what we want.
    And not really bothered as we have other options and the right man for us will want to give us what we want.

  23.  #23Iamabutterfly on October 22, 2012 at 7:26 am

    @Tam – I think I understand. It does sound like he is testing your boundaries.

    It’s like he wants your company, but like he wants you to chase him.

    but it also sounds like you wanted to spend time with him after hearing “this is a meeting not a date?”

    after I had heard or read that, I would have said; “a meeting doesn’t feel good to me. I don’t want to meet. I want to be taken out. It would feel great if you would if you made the plans and arranged to pick me up.”

    but it sounds like you’ve already done that…

    to which I say, good for you!

  24.  #24ruth on October 22, 2012 at 7:26 am

    I hope you dont reply at all

    and go out with the new aviator man and have a blast

  25.  #25Tam on October 22, 2012 at 7:27 am

    Lama, I already communicated last year how I felt, and he got scared and said ‘I would prefer fwb’.
    Which is also bs and defense. Sigh.
    He would be the last person on this planet who could do fwb’s without getting attached. He gets super clingy….which is why, at a guess, he is afraid to go there…issues, issues.
    A man who jumps up at me when I am going to the bathroom and says ‘where are you going??you are not leaving right now, are you???’ – and I have to say ‘I am just going to the bathroom!’ – that shows me what is really going on inside him.
    Like I say, I know the man.
    Doesn’t mean I want to see him again, because in order to remain safe, he continually steps on my toes. It’s too much.

  26.  #26Tam on October 22, 2012 at 7:29 am

    24 Ruth, I am not replying. What happens is with the non-reply, however, that it will most likely have him intrigued and getting in touch again.
    Whereas if I ‘let him have it’, he will be gone for at least three months. The latter option seems somehow preferable.

  27.  #27Francesca on October 22, 2012 at 7:29 am

    LiliBee @740 (previous thread)

    Yes, power to me! Thank you! 🙂

  28.  #28Iamabutterfly on October 22, 2012 at 7:31 am

    If Jack CD should approach me again…(which for some reason, I don’t think he will)

    I feel disconnected. I feel unsure what you want from me…

    I don’t know what else to say…

  29.  #29Francesca on October 22, 2012 at 7:33 am

    FW @ 748(previous thread)

    Hi Francesca, welcome back. Here is something I had saved “it doesn’t feel good chasing you by phone. It feels good to let you lead the communicating. It feels good to hear your voice”.

    “It feels confusing when I hear nothing. It feels so much better to be kept in the loop. I feel kinda crummy waiting around for people”.

    You could also consider how many times you have spoken about this with him and if you believe he gets it. If you think he does then maybe choosing the Sirens way might speak more volumes that FMs. That is “leave him be. Drop the conversation. Get out there cdate to improve sense of self. See that there are other men out there. Grow opinion of yourself and shift your vibe”.


    Sweet! This is great! Sounds similar to what I want to say to him. I feel powerful yet vulnerable right now, big knots in my stomach and I don’t want to feel that way.

    Thank you for this and your welcome! 🙂

  30.  #30Linda on October 22, 2012 at 7:35 am

    Iama…. just EXACTLY !! how I feel. I do like being thinner though. Improves my vibe. I tried on a leather corsett on Saturday I liked what I saw! haha

    It truely was all bout his dis-satisfaction with life and himself. Poor man… like I said the more I come up against the “Do wants” it makes cleared and easier to spot and feel the real man for me and my LIVE IN THE LAND OF MY… “do wants”.

  31.  #31Tam on October 22, 2012 at 7:36 am

    Lama, after the ‘meeting not a date’ I did send him a message saying that this felt bad to me as I have never suggested it was anything, meeting or date and was simply feeling happy at the prospect of meeting.
    That’s exactly what it was.
    Now though, things have changed.
    He is not testing boundaries, he is trying to trash them. I used to chase him and ‘look after him’. Then the dynamic changed earlier this year as I had a bf. Then he started stepping up and chasing me.
    And I am not going back.

    You know, actually, I think he is scared to pick me up. He is scared of what it means, how he will feel, how I react. What my expectations are and his.
    Usually when we have not seen for some time, we will meet with common friends – and this is what he is trying to do to keep the pressure off…when he feels safe, he will start inviting me and picking me up by himself. I thought we were over that already but I realise it is always going back to square 1.
    I feel for him, because I know what is going on.
    But I just can’t be bothered with the nonsense anymore. He’s got to jump over this hurdle if he wants to see me. If he doesn’t then I am not seeing him. Friends or otherwise.

  32.  #32ruth on October 22, 2012 at 7:36 am

    Tam, yeah but if he does get in touch you dont have to reply

  33.  #33Iamabutterfly on October 22, 2012 at 7:38 am

    @25 Tam – whoa.
    how long has this been going on?
    how would you describe your relationship?
    does he take you on dates?
    flirt with you like crazy?
    Do you sleep with him?

    any guy who says “fwb” to me is OUT.
    that is my big N-O boundary.

    actually, any guy that i feel attracted to/have feelings for that says, “friends” is OUT.

    I believe Rori recommends saying “no” to just friends if you have feelings for a guy…

    there was one guy friend that I felt unsure about, but I kept getting mixed signals, so he is officially and will ever only always be “just friends” to me. and I can handle that, especially now that he is married, Lol. 😀

  34.  #34Tam on October 22, 2012 at 7:39 am

    22..Annie exactly. The mind boggles why I would, for instance, take a taxi to have a chat with MrP, when I have guys lining up outside my door taking me out for dinners, let alone drinks (and buying them), and my friends doing the same?
    Why would I?
    Yes, he is great company, but so are other people?
    Does he really believe I am so low value, a puppy dog spending my savings for the privilege to meet?
    Well, no!

  35.  #35Iamabutterfly on October 22, 2012 at 7:41 am

    @31 Tam – lol, he sounds so much like Jack CD. the only time Jack CD ever steps up is when he sees other guys showing interest in me.

    if Jack CD can see that I’m alone with no guys after me, he is much less masculine. (but honestly, this is rare. guys almost always pay attention to me, unless I’m falling back into old patterns and closing off my heart.)

    I want 100% freaking masculine.

  36.  #36Francesca on October 22, 2012 at 7:42 am

    Annie @744 (previous thread)

    Oh, I so get what you’re saying, you have no idea!

    I’ve been in some situations where I had to say no to something only to find them trying to make me change my mind.

    It happened while I was with my family and work people too.

    One year, I didn’t feel like going to the office XMas party for various reasons but the main one was that I didn’t like these parties, I found them boring and I knew I would’ve felt better doing my own stuff at home.

    Well, I heard about it every single day until I had to sort of get mad at them for insisting so much.

    What difference did it make if I was there or not really? Absolutely none, they had a great time and I was glad about that and told them so.

    With my family, well…I have too many occasions where it happened so I wouldn’t even know where to start.

    So yes, just like you, I know what’s best for me and I have no problem disappointing a few people along the way.

    It’s their problem, not mine.

  37.  #37Tam on October 22, 2012 at 7:44 am

    Lama, this has been going on for over 2 years. This year I had my boundaries and it was no sex bla bla. He totally respected that and we did stuff together every weekend…then he said he wanted a relationship and he would even marry me (for papers, so he said) and bla bla…when I was free from my bf – for other reasons – he got scared and retracted on the relationship thing…as soon as I was back in Europe.
    I never pressured for anything at all…so I just said that I wouldn’t want to be fwb as I am looking for a committed relationship. To which he said ‘we want different things’. But all the time he never had anyone else (well, he might now?), I have always dated others….and we were pretty close.
    But it’s a looooooooooooooooooooooooooong story.
    Too long, too boring and time it is over.

  38.  #38Tam on October 22, 2012 at 7:45 am

    I dumped him a few times…and he me….kind of a mess it was for a long time.

  39.  #39Daria on October 22, 2012 at 7:46 am

    im feeling triggered reading some stuff about suking energy out of women (for men’s health)

    although most of what i read is that women are close to boundless in the energy, one text i first got triggered by said “the poor woman got sucked dry”

    ouch that felt so scary icky and awful

    especially that i was reading about how to turn the woman on (to ready teh energy to be sucked)

    and i felt great and trusting and loving and excited because i was following the techniques in my imagination and found things i can share with my men of how to turn me on, and some issues i could now heal – like how to avoid nipple sensitivity, etc)

    it was stroking a woman from middle fingers down

    and especiallly her inner elbows, that will draw energy to her breasts into her head and down the front of her body to her nani

    and i was like whoa i Got it in my imagination of how it flows

    and then also to nuzzle her necck not bite it at first because breathing ‘wakes up her skin chi’ and i Remembered that sensation too!

    so i was feeling excited having learned these things and then BAM

    sucking women dry ack that felt awful


    people have had a lot of mindissues i feel glad im healing

  40.  #40Daria on October 22, 2012 at 7:48 am

    i like health at every size and Reagan Chastains blog about being fat and healthy

  41.  #41Tam on October 22, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Lama,hmmm….he didn’t know for a long time that I had a bf, I just said I was dating…..I felt bad for keeping it to myself. I only told him that this guy was my bf when he said he wanted a relationship…eek. I made a lot of mistakes too, but I thought we wouldn’t meet anymore if I told him the truth. And when I said that my bf would marry me so I could stay in the US, he said he would as well…if it was a ‘win-win’ – if it meant he could stay in Europe.
    It was a bit of a mess.
    No wonder he never felt safe with me.
    Both made a lot of mistakes.

  42.  #42ruth on October 22, 2012 at 7:49 am


    I feel a little apprehensive saying this but you still seem to be so invested in mr p, what he thinks, what he does

  43.  #43Tam on October 22, 2012 at 7:49 am

    Sorry I am spamming, guess it needs to come out. But I feel at peace with everything.
    There is no going back with this one.
    It’s not meant to be.

  44.  #44ruth on October 22, 2012 at 7:50 am

    re fat and healthy

    I was living proof of that when fatter
    Not a day off sick in work for over 22 years, got round marathons(albeit slowly), survived years and years of sleep deprivation etc

  45.  #45Tam on October 22, 2012 at 7:51 am

    Ruth, yep, the email has thrown me a bit but I am just verbose right now because I don’t want to talk to my friends about this….it was a big story at the beginning of the year.
    I have to let it out sometimes.
    But I am over the romance of this, honestly. It is no longer existent, and after that email the friendship isn’t either.

  46.  #46Daria on October 22, 2012 at 7:52 am

    yah im toally getting the elbow thing

    imaginig it my heart thumps and liquid feeling heat warms my hand and then kina throbs down over my nose to my nani

    and then if a guy was to nuzzle my neck nad breathe it would totally turn me on more

    and then if he would worshpifully take my breast nipple and not start roughing it right away but take some tiem to hold it in his mouth and then… suk on it… oh wow tht would feel so good

    ok i guess the ancient icky stuff is giving me treasure as in no longer needing the pain and icky stuff but using this good stuff to learn to turn myself on


  47.  #47Tam on October 22, 2012 at 7:52 am

    35 Lama, that’s funny, 100% masculine.
    We deserve no less.
    No crumbs anymore.

  48.  #48Daria on October 22, 2012 at 7:53 am

    ruth – ouch at survived years and years of sleep deprivation 🙁

  49.  #49Iamabutterfly on October 22, 2012 at 7:56 am

    ((((Tam)))) – Sounds complicated. and exhausting.

    “Uggg, so he calls me up and he’s like, “I still love you,”
    And I’m like… “I just… I mean this is exhausting, you know, like,
    We are never getting back together. Like, ever”


  50.  #50ruth on October 22, 2012 at 7:57 am

    I had to daria

    they werent very kind to baby doctors back in the nineties

    Not a stranger to 72 hour shitfs with no sleep

  51.  #51Daria on October 22, 2012 at 7:57 am

    Reagan’s blog at ‘dances with fat’ makes me feel so happy!

    i used to feel more caught up in thoughts i found about being fat like that it’s unhealthy etc

    until i started reading her blog
    it healed a lot of my mind thoughts and perceptions



    so now i often feel way more relaxed aobut such things

    and don’t find myself judging as much which feels so peaceful

  52.  #52Iamabutterfly on October 22, 2012 at 7:58 am

    Tam, I like your spamming! It feels curious and healing for me. 🙂

  53.  #53ruth on October 22, 2012 at 7:58 am

    Still, for the last three years i have had a job with no on call at all

    lower “status” but So worth it


  54.  #54Tam on October 22, 2012 at 7:58 am

    Interestingly, the only thing I do feel right now is embarrassed at oversharing on here, and angry at having lost two hours of work over nonsense.
    Really, pff. Not worth it.

  55.  #55Daria on October 22, 2012 at 7:59 am

    “A few things that I stand for: I believe that everybody of every size should be treated with respect. I believe that it is impossible to tell somebody’s health based on their weight. I believe in giving people correct information and affordable options for eating and movement, and I believe in respecting whatever choices they make whether or not they are the choices I would make. Below you’ll find more info about me, or look to the right and click to check out my blog. Happy Surfing!

    I’ve been lucky to have had a lot of opportunities and experiences in my life. I’ve been a cheerleading captain, a multi-sport varsity athlete, my class valedictorian, a National Merit Scholar, and played Carnegie Hall. I’ve been sold for air conditioners in West Africa, published two books, started two successful businesses and won three National Dance Championships. Currently I am a corporate CEO, and am seeking my first world professional dance title.

    But all of that pales in comparison to my greatest accomplishment – learning to love myself and my body, and to be truly happy living completely outside the cultural beauty norm. As a plus-sized professional athlete, I am a strong advocate for Health at Every Size and Behavior-Centered Health. I unwaveringly believe (and am living proof!) that health is not about body size , and that we are all free to stop buying into the idea that our size determines our abilities or our opportunities for success.

    I started blogging when I realized that there were people who believed that if they couldn’t get skinny they should hate themselves, and people who had never moved their bodies for any reason other than to try to change the size and shape of their bodies. I never want to tell anybody how to live, I respect other people’s choices about their bodies just like I want my choices to be respected. I blog to present options that work for me and my readers are free to take what they want and ignore what they don’t.”

    Reagan Chastain

  56.  #56Starla on October 22, 2012 at 7:59 am

    When I feel low or depressed or defeated, I eat stuff with cheese/dairy. This is a food I absolutely must avoid (except for greek yogurt with live cultures).

    I hurt myself in this way when I’m hurting. It’s all I really do anymore to hurt myself, though.

    Love to me.

  57.  #57ruth on October 22, 2012 at 7:59 am

    Tam, it feels good to read that

    I was feelign anxious

  58.  #58Daria on October 22, 2012 at 8:00 am

    yeah i feel triggered about allopathic doctors not living on a healthy nourishing schedule

    i think it contributes a lot to malpractice

    feels scary

  59.  #59Tam on October 22, 2012 at 8:00 am

    Thanks Lama…and now I need to recoup two hours of work, when I was partying with aviation man too much yesterday and feel like death….
    I also wonder how cool it would have felt to have woken up with aviation man and then read the bs email this morning. At least I’d have had one urge taken care of and might not have needed to spam so much.
    Maybe a case of sex-deprivation.

  60.  #60ruth on October 22, 2012 at 8:01 am


    Not oversharing tam
    thats what this blog is for, isnt it?

    so you then dont have to say such stuff in real life to people like Mr p

  61.  #61ruth on October 22, 2012 at 8:02 am

    Daria, in the UK docs now cant work for longert than 13 hours at a stretch

    Too late for me though

  62.  #62Daria on October 22, 2012 at 8:03 am

    do i want an exhausted overwhelmed depressed person cutting clots out of my brain


    well it would feel better to have a rested, nourished, happy and in=tune person doing it

    iot might feel way different

    like making love in the 2 states would feel different

    i feel annoyed that medical practices in hospitals are still run like in an “at war” scarcity spartan emergency way


  63.  #63Tam on October 22, 2012 at 8:03 am

    45….and Ruth, to add to that, if that friendship was to recover at all (not even mentioning the romance here), he would have to do a lot of work. And he won’t. And there is no chance in h*ll, I would even consider now, going down there and helping him with his tatt. Not a freaking chance.
    I mean, maybe after about 20 boattrips, a few dinners, a few pickings ups and a few drinks. Else: he can pay someone to do it.
    Last word.

  64.  #64Tam on October 22, 2012 at 8:04 am

    60, yay Ruth, that feels good, thank you.
    No, in real life I speak with silence now. Totally. No more energy 🙂

  65.  #65ruth on October 22, 2012 at 8:05 am

    Excellent tam!

    I hear you daria

  66.  #66Daria on October 22, 2012 at 8:10 am

    lol last nite’s cd was def showing up to help me heal

    he had a lot of characteristics of my “typical” typecasting/judgement of men i judge to be ‘like him’

    airheady, not skilled at connecting w me physically, pff,

    the kinda stuff i judge

    and i kept praciticing staying with myself and remaining open


    instead i looked “constipated” (this depresssed upset worried look i have that this other guy called ‘constipated’ the other night and though i feel a bit triggered im loving my constipated look)

    plenty , and just let myself feel all that and knowing its ok to feel what i feel

    including grouchy



    well actually teh second time he kissed me he got a lil more bold and did turn us both on!

    go surfer guy! (he looks like a surfer, blondish w blue eyes, very cute actuallY)

  67.  #67Daria on October 22, 2012 at 8:13 am

    now i got a text from him

    “Good morning…Thanks for hanging out with me, mad my day. :o). Hopefully I wasn’t too rash, it’s been awhile since i’ve been around such an intriguing woman like yourself. I woke up wondering if it was too much, but i don’t think so. All n all, I obviously find you very attractive. And I just got nervous that i was boring, among other things. I felt like a kid on his first day of school lol. :o) “

  68.  #68Starla on October 22, 2012 at 8:17 am

    So I really must confess to feeling *almost* as wrapped up in CF-stuff as I was when we first broke up.

    I constantly think of him and getting him back.


    It’s not quite “painful” like how it was 6 months ago, but it’s certainly not a comfortable feeling.

    Very uncomfortable. Like, I need to make a choice and DO something about this feeling. Either contact him with my gut that something is definitely still there and try to work with him to overcome some issues, or double up on taking care of myself and ‘getting over’ it.

    I have been slacking on taking care of myself quite a bit lately since my trainer quit two weeks ago, and that’s about when all this pining for CF resurfaced. So starting today I am recommitting to taking amazing care of myself.

    I’ve not been working out, I’ve not really been eating right, I’ve not been doing many of my self care rituals at all. Some nights I fall asleep without even washing my face or brushing my teeth!!

    And I’ve been smoking a lot of pot, when before I had stopped entirely.

    It’s like I’ve abandoned myself and the old habit is to chase down a man to find myself there. Except I won’t find myself there.

    So I’m re-orienting myself down the path to myself.

    Love to me.

  69.  #69Daria on October 22, 2012 at 8:19 am

    hehe this feels fun dating different ‘kind’ of men

    i usually like to date overwhelmingly black american men, sometimes some black carribbean men, sometimes men of any ethnicity that are masculine in a hood ‘street’ style

    this guy is notlike that, i think he’s white american, he’s not very street in his style, although he’s open as I see from his friends – they are street and actually a diff guy ive dated brought me to his house – and habits, but his persona/stance/ personal authority is not like that of a masculine street guy

    he was more like wacky and talking a lot whcih i felt a bit drained by “scowly constipated face” but IT HELPED SO MUCH FOR ME TO NOT PLAY ALONg

    i mostly talked in moany noises. hmmm… humf. mmm… ahhh…

    that felt really great for me in my body. did not leak my energy out inauthentically

    and also noticed the ‘forced smile’ thing wwas draining me, so i dropped it, een feeling anxious that i will look like im not appreciating and enjoying my time (I actually was able to enjoy it more by doing so, instead of widning up feeling all tense and like im wearing a cardboard box on my face (what i feel when i do the fake smile)

  70.  #70Daria on October 22, 2012 at 8:28 am

    i date quite a lot of different men all the time

    i feel hounded and judged by judgements that ‘something is wrong with me’ for bieng comfortable with men of a particular style, and a particular ethnicity

    it feels so triggering!

    and i want to heal this

    i even date widely so i can say look im PROVING that im open to diff kinds of men, see im ‘normal’ im not wierd dont judge me

    i feel relaly uncomfortable talking about this to a wide audience too.

    i only talk about it to people who seem to understand without me talking about it

    i feel a lot of panic and shame

    and even the other day i felt judged a bit

    and i AM glad that i feel more comfortable with a wider variety of men

    but i really want to just totally heal my fear of bieng judged

    my ‘issue’ with this

    cuz it comes up all the time for me in my head

    or is it that i feel addicted cuz this provides some “drama” and exciting feelings for me?

    like feelings of being ‘good’ because see im opressed and judged and therefore worthy and a heroine


    i still want to heal all this

  71.  #71Daria on October 22, 2012 at 8:30 am

    its like i walk around vibing ‘judge me i dare u to judge me’

    or i know youre judging me

    or wheatver

    all in my head

  72.  #72Daria on October 22, 2012 at 8:30 am

    and then of course, pulling in the experiences from ‘out there’

  73.  #73Annie on October 22, 2012 at 8:52 am

    Rori says.

    “It’s WAY easier to never eat anything with sugar in it than to try to be “reasonable” about it. Food addiction is just that. Addiction. And there are all kinds of levels. Your brain is one, and your body is another…many levels.”

    It seems so difficult to do this for me and my family, unless I always eat at home and cook everything from scratch.
    So many things with sugar in or if not aspatamine which I believe to be even worse.

    I did watch something recently about how sugar affected to body and particularly the liver and how white bread turns to sugar in the body.
    Fructose corn syrup also being really body.
    Basically was saying the body was able to cope with sugar as occasional treat which is how our ancestors treated sugar and always after the stomach was full so didn’t effect our blood and liver so adversely then making the body addicted to the cycle of high, crash high crash etc.
    And the problem being today that we have sugar in everything and sugary treats several times a day everyday.
    How do we avoid sugar completely if we eat out?
    And how do we avoid our children being given it at parties friends houses, it really is very difficult.

    The program was called the men who made us fat.
    I found the programe enlightening and have read more stuff and done some research since and I am now more consciously aware. Have cut down and do my best to avoid as mush as pos. And then only eat a small amount when fancying it on a full stomach so as not to spike my blood sugar leading to the crash and craving more addiction cycle.

    Also have noticed when I have honey raw organic stuff not processed my energy levels feel so much better and I feel really good.

    When I learned about nutrition years ago was taught and believed that it was fat that made us fat.
    Such a difficult subject as top dogs in food industry want us to buy their products so will provide ‘evidence’ and research to fit their agenda of getting us to buy their products.

    Does appear though that the further we get away from foods natural state by processing and changing the original molecular structure, that the more adversely it effects our bodies.

    What do you think?

  74.  #74Daria on October 22, 2012 at 8:54 am

    Annie – yes, i feel good with natural sugar

  75.  #75MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 8:56 am

    Healthy eating is all about changing your relationship with food. You have to first change your relationship with you.

    There’s a lot of in between but somehow, when I started to love myself, what I wanted to eat, and how much of it I wanted to eat changed.

    I have struggled with my weight since I was about 14 (when I quit figure skating after breaking my leg). I struggled with bulemia for 8 years (5 years recovered now). At this point I lost nearly 40 lbs and have maintained my healthier (still softy 😉 ) body for 2 years.

  76.  #76Daria on October 22, 2012 at 8:57 am

    when i eat using my intuition – always ask my intuition what to eat, or if eating a particular something htat seems to be craved by an anxiety is healthy for me…

    i feel nourished, powerful spiritually, and it feels so FUN to discover new ways of healing, nourishing and new foods just by following my intuition!

    i feel so happy and powerful knowing i have an AWESOME relationship with food.

    its one of my favorite joys

  77.  #77Mercedes on October 22, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Rori: I love how you are looking at this. I’ve never really considered it from this angle before:

    “The extra weight is simple. It’s there to protect you. Your desire to eat is a part of you that’s madly in love with you trying to HELP you. Trying to give you a gift of love and safety. To YOU, in your conscious mind as Kat – it may seem like a harsh, miserable, self-destructive thing – but to the part that wants you to eat, it’s a gift of LOVE!”

    I haven’t struggled with weight in many, many years, but I did and I had a moment in time with eating disorders that still, to this day, become hard to resist. I choose health though so I will not (ever) even TRY to lose any weight (not even 5 lbs) in an unhealthy way. I won’t do it. I love myself too much for that.

    This is really good stuff:

    “You can DO this. HE, or ANY “he” doesn’t matter. It’s not ABOUT “him.” It’s always about you, and what’s happening for you now, and no kind of “closure” will help.

    In fact, learning to love NON-CLOSURE is where your healing and happiness is.”

    Thank you!

    Much Love,

  78.  #78MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 8:57 am

    I am a soft and curvy size 8 with a leftover jiggly belly. I love every inch of my body 🙂

  79.  #79ruth on October 22, 2012 at 9:00 am

    over eating is a good way of stuffing down feelings

  80.  #80MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 9:00 am

    I feel very nervous to admit my eating disorder so publicly.

  81.  #81MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 9:03 am

    I am left with pretty severe LRD and a host of other digestive issues.

    I don’t feel nervous anymore. I just want to say it…”I am here and it is possible to heal.”

  82.  #82ruth on October 22, 2012 at 9:04 am

    I feel sad reading the term “struggling with weight”
    I see so so many women doing just that, constantly dieting, losing a bit then putting back on.Women is a permanent state of feelign deprived and guilty about eating

    *and they dont lose any weight*

    yes, it starts with self acceptance at first, and then eventually self love

    (im half way there only)

  83.  #83ruth on October 22, 2012 at 9:05 am

    Miss Stix, I did laxatives in my early 20s

    My personal take on this is that one is never totally free of an ED

    One has to remain vigilant

  84.  #84MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 9:10 am

    I know rori said she would rather have experts talk about this. But there is no expert like those of us who have lived with it. And I want to keep talking about it.

    Bulimia is all about self hatred, having control over something in your life, and acheiving a high. It is a desperate sadness, followed by soothing (eating), then extreme fear, then purging to assuage that fear. Afterward there is a high I can only describe as very euphoric, and mellow.

  85.  #85ruth on October 22, 2012 at 9:11 am


    I know

  86.  #86MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 9:13 am


    You are right. After all of this I still get that thought sometimes after I eat. It’s like there is a little trigger button inside. At this point it is no more than a fleeting thought. Gone in an instant. But I believe it will be there the rest of my life. If I allowed myself to start down a slippery slope…Who knows.

  87.  #87Tam on October 22, 2012 at 9:14 am

    and now I feel angry again. Why?
    I feel like lashing out.
    Oh boy.
    That bloody email is not going to make me fall off my horse. Not now!

  88.  #88MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 9:15 am

    I never lost a single pound doing it either.

  89.  #89ruth on October 22, 2012 at 9:18 am

    When I suddenly and unexpectedly lost my excess weight after 15 years, it really destabilised me

    it was *much* safer to be fatter and i ate well then

    I guess this is triggerign me today .I am having a “massively fat day”–which is ludicrous!

    But thats how i feel

    Also, I do have a bit of an issue with the food intolerance/allergy thing. For some people this is simply another way to express their ED
    Seen it too often in the running community where weight is quite important

  90.  #90ruth on October 22, 2012 at 9:18 am

    thats the thing with bulimia

    you dont lose weight usually

  91.  #91ruth on October 22, 2012 at 9:19 am

    Tam, go and thump a cushion (((((((())))))))

  92.  #92Daria on October 22, 2012 at 9:22 am

    hmm my ‘constipated face’ seems to be like the same face i do practiccing ‘absorbing’ energy like in the drawing energy thing

    “lightly sucking on your tongue and/or gently drawing in the sides of your cheeks, and pulling in on your eyes’

    oooh mysterious exploration open to me since i chose to love my feeling

  93.  #93Tam on October 22, 2012 at 9:24 am

    I just don’t understand why it always has to be like this. I am trying my best to speak authentically.
    Why do I get angry responses?
    Why do I feel responsible for making him angry.
    I just want to get along with people, I don’t want aggravation all the time.
    Why do we wind each other up so badly?
    I just do not understand this at all.
    It really pains me.
    Why can’t we just be nice to each other and admit that we like each other, even as friends? Why does there have to be all this pretending?
    I just feel so sick of this.
    I don’t want to be part of this anymore.
    I don’t want to have to think about this anymore.
    I feel hurt by that email.
    I feel pain.
    I was trying to reset the record and stop the pattern and here it is again. It is like a neverending effing cycle of bs. BS BS BS.
    What the heck am I supposed to do to stop this?
    Walk away. It is just impossible. I never had such communication problems with anyone.
    I feel helpless and hopeless for anything ever to change. I actually feel defeated.

  94.  #94Tam on October 22, 2012 at 9:27 am

    I can’t fix this. I have to let go of trying to fix this and be the peacemaker.

  95.  #95ruth on October 22, 2012 at 9:29 am

    94 Tam, absolutely that is what you need to do!

  96.  #96MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 9:29 am

    Ruth 90

    Nope! And it screws around with the mechanisms that regulate satiety, fullness and hunger. It took about 2 years for me to feel properly hungry and properly full.

  97.  #97Tam on October 22, 2012 at 9:30 am

    95. I know. It was always my job and I am no longer willing to do it.
    He can try to fix if he finds his balls somewhere, I am done. I just feel really limp, like someone kicked me in the stomach and I am laying on the floor with zero intention of getting up.

  98.  #98ruth on October 22, 2012 at 9:31 am


    yes Miss Stix

    I know *exactly* what you mean
    Also I found/find it difficult not to perceive hunger as a negative thing, a feeling to be avoided at all costs

  99.  #99ruth on October 22, 2012 at 9:32 am

    yes tam
    Lie on the floor and dont move

    you dont have to

  100.  #100Annie on October 22, 2012 at 9:33 am

    Hugs Tam.

    What do you think is the loving and compassionate action to do for you to take care of yourself? x

  101.  #101Tam on October 22, 2012 at 9:34 am

    and when I get up, I just feel like pouting, like a little girl. And I feel like sticking two fingers up, sticking my tongue out and saying:
    ‘ whatever, I am going to play with the nice boys now, suit yourself you grumpy’.

  102.  #102Tam on October 22, 2012 at 9:34 am

    Annie, I am going to the beach for my lunch, with my ipod music. And let some sun into my life.

  103.  #103Tam on October 22, 2012 at 9:36 am

    It was better feeling angry than defeated.

  104.  #104ruth on October 22, 2012 at 9:37 am

    beach and sun feels good

  105.  #105MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 9:48 am


    I used to perceive it that way too. Nowadays I like to let my hunger go for a bit before I eat. I kind of like the feeling of hunger now…It’s funny because I beat bulemia all on my own and this was way before I found rori, but I started to talk to my hunger. Telling it “Hello there friend. You are good for me. You tell me when it’s time to eat.”

    Kind of similar to rori’s “love your feelings”.

  106.  #106Tam on October 22, 2012 at 9:50 am

    I want harmony. I don’t want fighting. I want harmony, friendship, flowers, people being nicde to each other.
    How can this not be what everyone wants?
    I want politeness. I want to be told nicely that I can’t be picked up. I want to be told ‘thank you for offering to help me’.
    I did not ask for anger.
    I do not want anger to be aimed at me.
    I don’t want to be told what people won’t do for me.

    I simply don’t get it.

  107.  #107Tam on October 22, 2012 at 9:51 am

    And the answer to my ‘don’t wants’ is to surround myself with people who want the same things as me and not expect those to change who don’t.
    I can’t heal others and I can’t heal the world.
    But I can heal myself.
    I do not need harshness in my life.

  108.  #108ruth on October 22, 2012 at 9:54 am

    yes, now i can think of hunger as a good thing.Not all the time but if i can feel it, and not immediately react, then thats a good thing adn i am in tune with myself

    106.Tam, I hear you. Time for you to stay open to people who will treat you in that good way and maybe time to walk away from those who dont

  109.  #109Tam on October 22, 2012 at 9:56 am

    I want to say: You email made me feel angry, sad and defeated. But I won’t. Instead of bothering to speak my authentic self, and writing in feeling messages and responding at all, I will spend that energy on myself, do something nice and vent on here.

  110.  #110ruth on October 22, 2012 at 9:57 am


    that feels empoweing to read tam

    Spend energy on yourself


  111.  #111Daria on October 22, 2012 at 9:57 am

    i feel so loved by me 🙂

  112.  #112Tam on October 22, 2012 at 9:58 am

    108, Ruth, yes. Exactly. And no matter how nice he was and could be in the past, the present is now.
    And now, there is not even enough crumbs for a friendship or even an acquaintanceship here.
    If people who don’t know me can pick me up and buy me drinks, then that puts him even below them on my list. It is what it is.

  113.  #113Tam on October 22, 2012 at 10:01 am

    Phew, that feels better.
    Now the beach….:)

  114.  #114ruth on October 22, 2012 at 10:01 am

    tee hee tam

    I am chuckling at the thought of your list!
    all those yummy options!

  115.  #115Starla on October 22, 2012 at 10:05 am

    I feel invisible

    Starla, I see you, beautiful!

  116.  #116Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 10:06 am

    Well after receiving the random text this morning (after him ignoring me all weekend) to say hes sorting a flat and to let him know if I want to ‘jump on board’

    then I hadnt replied within 2 hours as I was in work.
    After work I have logged on facebook and felt shocked to see our photos plastered all over facebook as I was now in a ‘complicated relationship with him’ – ha! The cheek

    I text him..

    “Are you for real?”

    He text

    “Whats up with you now?”

    ME -“Feel really angry seeing that on facebook”

    Him – “Why? Would single be better?”

    Me – “Well it doesn’t feel good doing it over text and faceook, give me a ring sometime if thats what your considering”

    Him – “Nahhhh.. Just may aswell get on with it.. We’ve grown apart, An like Ive said all along, you need someone without kids!”

    Me – “Ok, really sorry you feel like that, shame to end it like this ut take care x”

    Him – “Well you feel the same, whats the point eh.. Im just saying it!”

    Him – “Ill call up through the week or weekend, So if you’ve got stuff on the camera save it please!”

    Me – Changed ‘Its complicated to single on facebook

    Him – “When should I come for my stuff then?”

    Him on facebook – Some people are pathetic, kind of feel sorry for them!

    Wow.. Bizarre.. Im that shocked and embarrassed with him doing it on facebook before me even knowing ‘its complicated’ pah!! I don’t actually think its sunk in..

    Argh! I really have this belief its not really over tho.. Maybe it is! Geez.. I dont know Im confused.. 🙁 Im trying to be tough!

  117.  #117Annie on October 22, 2012 at 10:11 am

    102: Tam says:

    “Annie, I am going to the beach for my lunch, with my ipod music. And let some sun into my life.”

    🙂 Feel pleased to hear you taking action to take care of yourself. Wishing you lots of warm sun a yummy lunch and happy moments for the day.

  118.  #118Annie on October 22, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Tam re don’t wants. Rori says in order to say yes to what we don’t want we first have to be able to say to what we don’t want.

    And then I believe invite what we want in.

  119.  #119Tam on October 22, 2012 at 10:14 am

    114….hmmm…Ruth, meeting low self esteem Surfer Dude tomorrow – he keeps thinking I will cancel on him (Floridians are strange)…and then MrInstant Relationship Thursday but I am cancelling that as he is a tongue in mouth sticker (without sensing that I wasn’t ready..eeewww)…and THEN the aviation man also booked for one day this week but he hasn’t got back to me yet, perhaps he realised I only want sex (hahaha, just kidding, he probably thinks I am too prim and proper for him)….and then, well who else is there? Oh yes, EnglishCD….I think he is away on the weekend but he keeps in touch.
    I have to start making a spreadsheet soon..I am getting their pets and family mixed up already.
    Too funny.

  120.  #120Femininewoman on October 22, 2012 at 10:17 am

    Tam can I invite you to re-read 119 and notice how many times you use the word “think”?

  121.  #121MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 10:17 am

    I have started to phase dairy out of my diet.

    I do not believe humans are meant to drink cow milk. It has taken a long time to pin point the foods that trigger my painful reflux. Refined sugar/carbohydrate, and dairy. So far. I mostly stopped eating refined sugar/carb years ago. I would like to take that to the next level and cut down on even my whole wheat consumption. At this point I eat maybe 3 slices of bread in a day at the most. That is, a day where I have one slice with breaky and if I have a sandwich for lunch. I can take a big step towards that goal simply by having a half sandwich instead of a whole one and double my veggy/salad side dish. This would bring me down to 2 slices on a maximum bread day. I can also cut my pasta portions in half and double up on tomato sauce and my veggy side. This would be 2 slices of ww bread and 1/4 cup ww pasta max (if I have all 3 such meals in one day)

  122.  #122Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Some girl I suspected hed been talking to has coincidently liked his status about ‘people bein pathetic and he feels sorry for them”

    Argh.. 🙁 I feel sad..

  123.  #123MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 10:21 am

    ((((simply goddess))))

    No need to be tough, love! How do you feel?

    We are here and we are rooting for your bliss!

    Ps. I see him ambushing you on a regular basis and my heart feels sadness. You may never “win” with this “man”.

  124.  #124Daria on October 22, 2012 at 10:22 am

    it feels funny to just giggle like crazy when the guy is tryna kiss me and its awkward and not help him or ‘submit’ at all but still let it happen if he makes it happen hahahahha

    omg laughing remembering that last nite


    can i draw out the masculine in these men i judge as ‘girly’ i guess i can

    aww i love my judgements

    i feel thrills to know this is the power those girls in books i read were experiencing and i ddin’t ‘get’ it haha

    im getting it mroe and more whew 🙂

  125.  #125MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 10:22 am

    Simply goddess 122

    That feels absolutely gross to read! 🙁 Ick. Let the children have their games.

    You are so far from pathetic lady!

  126.  #126Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 10:25 am

    I feel upset about the way Im treated.. I feel disrespected aout him doing that on facebook.. I feel jealous and hurt that that girl has liked the status obv aimed at me..
    I feel scared and numb because I might be on the verge of realising all our future plans are never going to happen.. I feel anxious this is really it..
    I secretly feel hopeful itll make him step up.. I feel scared it wont.. It makes me feel better to think hes just trying to get at me and doesnt really want to split..

    He wants to know when to come for his stuff..

    What can I say in feeling messages.. I still love him.. 🙁

  127.  #127MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 10:26 am


    I just want to say how much I respect you for not playing that sick game. People who feel urges to create these situations, and act in these ways have many problems they could be working through. But some are just too ignorant to realize…

    They look pathetic to me right now.You look like a shining light.

  128.  #128Tam on October 22, 2012 at 10:29 am

    120 FW, yes, it’s because it is too painful to feel anything right now. I am done with feeling for the day. I think.

  129.  #129Daria on October 22, 2012 at 10:30 am

    i feel glad i know this thought:

    digestion issues will heal by separating starches from meat

    means one day/ full digested meal of breads/potatoes/starches + vegetables

    or a full meal of meat and vegetables

    not mixing the starches and meats makes my digestion way easy

  130.  #130MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 10:30 am


    I know you still love him. ((((you)))) it’s ok to feel all this. Love is that way. It shoots right through all the destructive cr@p that slowly beats us down. You know what’s right deep down somewhere. Try to find that light and keep it in your vision through all this junk.

  131.  #131MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 10:33 am


    When I was leaving my husband it helped me immeasurably to envision and visualize how amazing I would feel for taking my power back. I dated, a lot. I visualized a man treating me right and not existing behind my back in the presence of other women. I envisioned all kinds of men who would rather see me shine than beat me down.

  132.  #132Iamabutterfly on October 22, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Facebook is the devil.

  133.  #133Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 10:39 am

    Im scared.. Its silly we both love each other.. Why cant it just work out.. 🙁

  134.  #134Daria on October 22, 2012 at 10:42 am

    this men thing is so easy


    i just share how im feeling even if i think it sounds totallly irrelevant , ‘dumb’ and boring and theyre like

    omg i want to see u!

    feels so awesome how energy works

    “Hey how u been ?

    🙂 i’m feeling great thank you…

    What u been up to ?

    🙂 im feeling a lil all over the place in my mind right now…

    Damn like that we should hang out sumtime”

    HAHA…well okay then! step up then wont ya (he is) ! ha they are doing it for me

  135.  #135Daria on October 22, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Rori’s right, they just want to feel me breathing, being, undefended

    just want to see my feeling… doesn’t matter what

    doesn’t matter if what i’m feeling is itchy, or angry, or constipated, or a little numb


    so easy! wow

  136.  #136Dominique on October 22, 2012 at 10:48 am

    Goddess Lily – 6- What do you want to know?


  137.  #137Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 10:49 am

    I can feel your so at ease and in touch with your feelings Daria.. Its nice 🙂 xx

  138.  #138Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 10:51 am


    I still haven’t replied to his text.. Hes just text again, “Ill call down Friday for my stuff ok?”

    Friday being the night he finishes nights at work and usually comes down to mine.. Is he thinking he can come make up then?
    I know, get out of his head right and don’t wonder anything..

    Think my mother will string him up if he does haha xx

  139.  #139MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 10:51 am


    I know 🙁

    But it is not a very positive love dynamic. No one is to blame, when you get down to it some love is destructive. His love is ambushing and destructive and it’s lazer pointed at you.

    I feel very sad to think about you giving up the promise of a new, fresh beginning, but I respect how you feel. (and remember well feeling it myself).


  140.  #140Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 10:54 am


    “Yeah just lank me as usual! Im not even arsed Dan, You’re a b1tch! See you Friday!”

    Someones angry!

  141.  #141Butterfly Wings on October 22, 2012 at 10:56 am

    (((SG))) Sometimes it’s better to just let them go…


  142.  #142lakshmi on October 22, 2012 at 10:56 am

    Starla, I see you! You’ve been such an inspiration to me. I’ve been following you on the blog for a while now and I haven’t quite been able to start my own self-care program … yet … but each time I read about the beautiful and healthy way you’re caring for yourself I feel, YES! I can do that too.

    I feel sad you’re suffering over CF now. Hugs to you.

  143.  #143Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 10:56 am

    blank* meaning ignore

  144.  #144MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 11:00 am

    Was that him to you?

    Ummm did he call you a b!tch?


  145.  #145MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 11:03 am

    So he breaks up with you, calls you pathetic on fb, which is then promptly “liked” by a girl he sees, then when you don’t respond right away to his msgs about picking up his stuuf you’re a bitch???

    Here’s what you say in FMs (keep it simple)

    “I’m feeling really sad right now and just trying to get by. See you friday.”

    X( I feel angry right now. That men treat women this way.

  146.  #146Starla on October 22, 2012 at 11:03 am

    thank you for seeing me!

  147.  #147Daria on October 22, 2012 at 11:04 am

    talking to men whose features trigger me to judgment

    yay babysteps

  148.  #148MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 11:04 am

    So he breaks up with you, calls you pathetic on fb, which is then promptly “liked” by a girl he sees, then when you don’t respond right away to his msgs about picking up his stuff you’re a b!tch???

    Here’s what you say in FMs (keep it simple)

    “I’m feeling really sad right now and just trying to get by. See you friday.”

    X( I feel angry right now. That men treat women this way.

  149.  #149Linda on October 22, 2012 at 11:10 am


    Too funny, you triggered a memory from a CD I had this summer. He was the “older busy man” anyway.. he kept trying me out on the kissing… and I felt like really? I kissed him back but in mid kiss I started snicker laughing…. cause it just felt so funny. Not serious… I was like… I can kiss buddy make your toes curl but I just started snickering. I felt a bit bad after it happened for the 3rd time.

    He said.. there you go again… what is so funny? I did not say.. and never saw him again.

    I could not control how silly I felt…. I knew what he was up to and I just did not care nor was I impressed or into kissing him. haha

  150.  #150Linda on October 22, 2012 at 11:12 am

    Simply Goddess… I got off facebook a long time ago. It has simplified my life and raised my peace level 1000%.

    Just sayin

  151.  #151Miss Bells on October 22, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Back from HS’s.
    I said what I had to say about Match.

    He said he was just getting his $113.00 worth.
    I said “What is worth more–a couple of dollars or my feelings?”

    He answered: Your feelings of course.”

    I am glad I just let it out.

  152.  #152Annie on October 22, 2012 at 11:19 am

    * no to what we don’t want.

  153.  #153Calypso on October 22, 2012 at 11:25 am

    Speaking of FB chatter . . .

    I posted a pic of me and JC in Nashville this weekend. Then, this morning I posted something about being happy to have a Panera Bread in town cuz I could have chicken noodle soup for lunch.

    Just now GM responded to that with, “Did you have to have a diet coke after?” – which was to remind me that he took me to Nashville when we were together and that night after sex I asked him to get me a diet coke – actually, it was during sex – I said, “You’re gonna have to quit, cuz I need a diet coke” – LOL It was hilarious and it is even funnier now that he is reminding me of that just because he knows I went to nashville with JC – he is so predictible!!!

  154.  #154Starla on October 22, 2012 at 11:27 am

    It’s really been over 6 months since he would even speak to me

    what is my deallllllllllll

    this hurts.

    i feel all lost and like i’ve lost a limb.

    i’ve never felt this way in my whole life

    i feel like “what’s wrong with me???”

  155.  #155Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Exactly Miss Stix
    I fell in love with a great one here didn’t I
    I sense his anger comes from me jus accepting an then not having replied
    Poor him..

    It feels wrong to tell him I feel said an intruding to get by.. Is that because it’s true and I want to really act all ‘not bothered’?

  156.  #156Calypso on October 22, 2012 at 11:29 am

    So I responded on FB, “Don’t be silly! I had my diet coke at the same time . . . “

  157.  #157Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 11:30 am

    ‘I feel sad and am trying to get by’ (damn iPhone predictive text) Xx

  158.  #158Calypso on October 22, 2012 at 11:31 am

    OMG – now he is texting me!!!

    “Multitasking – who you calling silly?”

    Wow – I do not even know what to say to this man-child!

  159.  #159Femininewoman on October 22, 2012 at 11:32 am

    SG I am am wondering why you would bother to respond to rudeness when you didn’t respond to the previous text which was more civil.

  160.  #160Femininewoman on October 22, 2012 at 11:33 am

    Calyspo has he been ignoring you thus far?

    Why would you jump to engage now?

  161.  #161Calypso on October 22, 2012 at 11:35 am

    No – he has never ignored me. We have just not seen eachother in a couple of months – not since I started dating JC

  162.  #162Calypso on October 22, 2012 at 11:36 am

    I have not responded to his text and he just sent me a p[icture of some dogs – LMAO!!!

  163.  #163Calypso on October 22, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Now another with puppies – he is so funny! I finally responded, “OMG, they are so cute!”

  164.  #164Silver Moonbeam on October 22, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Starla – don’t feel unseen I sometimes think of you and CF in fact I asked about you in the FB group a while ago………….take care. xxx

  165.  #165Starla on October 22, 2012 at 11:45 am

    hi Silver:) I am not on the fb group

  166.  #166Mercedes on October 22, 2012 at 11:47 am

    SG: It feels wrong to tell him ‘I feel sad and am trying to get by’ Is that because it’s true and I want to really act all ‘not bothered’?

    Yes…I think so…but being authentic is the right way to attract the RIGHT man (the kind of man who cares about how you REALLY feel). Acting “not bothered” (or ACTING any other way) is a short term bandaid sometimes (if you happen to convince a man that the acting is really true) but most of the time…it will leave you only feeling worse. Besides, what man would really want to believe you are not bothered by this. Don’t you think he wants (needs) to know you are hurting? Put yourself in his shoes for a minute…with all this time together…how would it feel for YOU to believe HE is not bothered by a potential break up with you? Wouldn’t that either hurt a lot or make you really angry? Well…it’ll do the same to him.

    Please don’t “act”…be authentic…then, if he’s not the right guy for you and he continues to move on with his life, at least you will always know that he couldn’t handle the real you…and you want a guy who can handle the real you, right?

    Let him hear and see your hurt and anger. No reason to pretend to be “whatever” about it. What purpose would that serve?


    Much Love,

  167.  #167Mercedes on October 22, 2012 at 11:52 am

    SG: Hold up. Everything I said…ignore for a sec. He called you that name??? In a text??? What???

    You deserve better than a man who would EVER do that to you. No need for you to put up with that even ONCE in your life.

    Put his stuff on the porch so it’s there for him on Friday when he comes over (or it’s been stolen, whatever) and go on a date with another man Friday night. Seriously.

    Much Love,

  168.  #168Tam on October 22, 2012 at 11:55 am

    I really feel the urge to tell him how I feel, but it would be a waste of my energy…
    I don’t know whether bottling it up will help. I feel like screaming…if I haven’t vented before Wed, and we bump into him downtown (most likely going out with my gf’s), something bad could happen. I feel that if I see his face, my fist, or wineglass would just wander there. Can you imagine?
    That would be 100 times worse….or maybe a befitting ending to the story.

  169.  #169Tam on October 22, 2012 at 11:56 am

    not very Sireny though.

  170.  #170Tam on October 22, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    I am having the sh**test day of the century.
    MrNap has just gone to lie down on my bed and I can’t get in there to change into beach clothes or get my sunscreen out. Or shoes. So I am trapped until he wakes up….ummmmh…this evening.
    The trike I wanted was sold before I could get it.
    MrP has been a complete ar**hole.

    I just want to let it out on someone now, someone other than myself. RRRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHH.

  171.  #171Silver Moonbeam on October 22, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Starla, well maybe you are a FB friend as I see your profile on the right of my page. 😀 Anyway I hope you are doing well, and I can’t believe six months have passed………..

  172.  #172Starla on October 22, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    thank you, silver <3.
    i feel so weak and mushy today

  173.  #173Tam on October 22, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    it’s ok. this is not my day. It will be over in a few hours. No need to get my knickers into a twist.

  174.  #174Starla on October 22, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    tam, why do you let this man sleep on your bed? lol
    did i miss something?

  175.  #175Tam on October 22, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    Starla, yes. He is the husband of my friend, they let me stay in the Condo where he works from. This is a one bedroom. He does not live here but he likes to take naps in ‘my’ bed.
    How could you have missed that 😉
    Hence the name MrNap.

    I don’t know. I should have said that it doesn’t feel good. I need better boundaries but it is difficult when people are doing me a favour.
    I just feel time and time again, that my boundaries are not respected, no surprise – when I don’t state or enforce them.

    I feel powerless.

  176.  #176Tam on October 22, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    I feel that if I acted and looked different, people would not even suggest to sleep in my bed, or to not pick me up and not buy me drinks.
    I feel like they look at me and think ‘oh, but it’s only Tam, she won’t mind, she looks like a child and we can treat her like a child’.
    I feel exasperated. I feel less than. I feel low value right now.
    I need to turn this around.

  177.  #177Starla on October 22, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    Tam, next time he comes over, quickly take the sheets off before he gets there, and say it’s laundry day:P
    Kindly ask him to nap on the sofa

  178.  #178Tam on October 22, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    and ‘she will still be nice even if we step on her toes’

    because she is. She just wants to avoid conflict and arguments and take the easy way out.

    And let people walk all over her.

    This feels so painful. I don’t want this anymore.

  179.  #179Tam on October 22, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    Starla, I was bawling my eyes out and then I read your comment and now I am laughing..hahaha!!

  180.  #180Calypso on October 22, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Wow – I feel really good, like I passed some sort of test. GM poured on the charm (his version of charm) and i did not cave in and I don’t feel like i need a fix of man-crack! He was flirty and even asked me where the party was this weekend – an obvious invitation for us to get together and he told me he needed a “leg shot” – we used to send each other random pictures of our legs out of the blue.

    I did not even respond to the leg shot text and when he asked me where the party was, I told him I would be traveling to go see my sister. I will be alone and driving right through his town, but I did not tell him that! I feel sooooo good right now – stronger than I have in a long time! Yea me!

    I am going to see JC tonight – I am making dinner at his house. He is healing me in so many ways – it feels wonderful.

    I did find out that GM gets an alert on his phone every time I post on FB now – he just got a smart phone . . . so hmmmmm….. I did not really need to know that – i will think about it later when I’m not feeling as strong :/

    Baby steps . . .

  181.  #181Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    FW – I guess I wanted to reply but didnt know how to.. Miss Stix feeling message helped.. Simple and to the point

    I sent “I’m feeling really sad right now and just trying to get by.. See you Friday”

    He replied

    “You’re the one who’s been and changed everything to single so once again dont try spin it onto me. I just gave you my opinion that we’re growing apart, you have done the rest. Your two faced c*nt of a mother seems to think its a good idea. You’ve obviously been talking about going to Ibiza and had it in the pipeline haven’t you, and that’s without kick offs!”

    (I put to a friend that I might take up the offer to go to Ibiza next year) – My mum liked the post.. and actually he put its complicated and when I said he should talk to me not on fbook or text if hes condiring splitting he said – Nah, weve grown apart and I need someone with kids..

    Anyway straight away without me replying..

    “and you’ve got your little pervert followers to fall back on.. They prob haven’t got kids either!”

    “As harsh and as horrible as I sound its all the truth!”

    As sad as I feel I honestly feel so much stronger than I usually do..

  182.  #182Tam on October 22, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    I really feel defeated today. And I can’t blame anyone. The buck stops with me.

  183.  #183Tam on October 22, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Calypso..yeah, best not to get too close to the man-crack again.
    It undid everything for me earlier this year, I would hate that to happen to you…tread carefully… 😉

  184.  #184Starla on October 22, 2012 at 12:36 pm


    yikes, abusive

  185.  #185Calypso on October 22, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    SG – He sounds like he is totally out of control – calling your mother the “C” word – gross . . .

  186.  #186Janie Baby on October 22, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    hey ladies. need some advice. on saturday my boyfriend said “oh ill call you tomorrow after work. maybe we can get dinner”..
    and we also had definite plans for today since we both end class at the same time, we were gonna get lunch and go to the pumpkin patch.
    yesterday he never called, so i was upset and so when he called today , i saw i was going to go home and go on a run. he got very angry and was like I thought we had plans to go ot lunch.. and i said well we also had plans for you to call me yesterday so i didn’t count on that. and he got very upset and was like well i thought yesterday was maybe plans and today were real plans and got very upset and was like you’re ruining our relationship you always expect me to do everything. you never call me or plan anything … it’s a two way street. This is what he said to me. I just said “well i don’t like chasing a man or having a flaky boyfriend” he got angry and hung up.. NOw I have the urge to call him an hour later. What do I do? should I call or hsould i just go on a run and go for some costume shopping ? it just makes me sad cause it is one of the only freedays we both have to hang out and i feel like i kind of ruined it.

  187.  #187Calypso on October 22, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Tam – i know it! I was dating a nice man earlier this year and one conversation with GM broke us up. I don’t trust myself very much. I KNOW better than to put myself in a bad situation – I can’t see him in person. It would set me way back. I need more time with JC – to see if this brand new love is real and if it can grow. I think it might actually be somethign really special. The “relationship I want” . . . I just have to stay away from the “man I want” . . . devil with blue eyes – ok, stop!!!

  188.  #188Annie on October 22, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    OMG Simply Goddess, I’m with Mercedes165.

  189.  #189Annie on October 22, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    Janie Baby. I feel triggered by maybes. I want a man who makes definite plans not maybe plans.

    I want a man of action.

  190.  #190Janie Baby on October 22, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    me too… what do i do? i have the strongest urge to call him.

  191.  #191Mercedes on October 22, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Annie: After the Mom comment, yeah…that’s REALLY bad.

    Janie Baby: How about you take Annie’s words and repeat them if that’s what you really want from a man: ” I want a man who makes definite plans not maybe plans.” You could put a little feeling message in front of it if it makes you feel better to soften the message a little. But I don’t know what that feeling message would be since I don’t really know how you are feeling.

    Much Love,

  192.  #192Janie Baby on October 22, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Thanks Mercedes. Should i wait until he calls to say this? I really feel like calling.

  193.  #193Femininewoman on October 22, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    SG did you read what Mercedes said?

    I believe this breakup is a blessing in disguise?

  194.  #194Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    EE by gum..

    Had a lump on my boo b Id noticed had been there for a while. I know I should have had it checked sooner but I’ve been so busy. Once I told my mother this weekend though she booked me in at the docs today while I was at work.. So straight after seeing that on facebook in work, having a little cry at my desk in my classroom then I had to go to the docs and have my breasts fondled. She asked, “Have you lost any weight at all?” Me sat there looking like a waif.. “Yeh, relationship troubles!”
    Looks ok but have to go back in 2 weeks so they can check again. I’m sure it’s only because I’ve lost so much weight haha

    If you don’t laugh you’ll cry.. haha Honestly feel quite relaxed right now considering and that feels strange xx

  195.  #195Femininewoman on October 22, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Calypso – he sounds to me like a man who wants to keep a “casual” relationship status with you.

  196.  #196Goddess Lily on October 22, 2012 at 1:03 pm


    I’m not even sure this blessing is really disguised. RUN, RUN FAST!!!

    I’ve been in a relationship with someone who was quick with insults and horrible words. He was a lawyer and very good at turning EVERYTHING I did on me and making things my fault. I stayed for too long. Please let this one go. Feel the pain of the loss, but let it go. I felt myself about to cry reading his words. All my memories of staying with such a verbally abusive person came back to me.

  197.  #197Janie Baby on October 22, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    oohhh noo. i gave in. i called him 🙁 he didn’t answer. i feel dumb. i feel like i gave in. i hate this. i hate feelng powerless.

  198.  #198Sassy on October 22, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    Oh wow!!! Love love love to every single one of us hurting
    sirens. Keep spamming, letting it out, finding and expressing your feelings.

  199.  #199Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    Ahh I’d missed it.
    Thanks Mercedes. I’m very tempted to do just that. I’m far too soft for my own good though. One day.. Maybe Friday.. We’ll see x

  200.  #200Smile on October 22, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    I feel relaxed now after an exhausting day!

    I feel proud, I like practically moved and unpacked my whole house! I feel soo thankful to my family.

    I’m sleeping back in my bedroom I grew up in. It doesn’t feel quite the same though. It feels like home but in a new way. I’m going to be happy here.

    It doesn’t feel like a step backward, it feels like a step forward. I still feel independent. This is a stepping stone to finally owning a home rather than renting.

    I’m planning so many nice things for when I own my own house. It feels great to be chasing a dream rather than a man.

    I felt sad and a bit lonely when I left my old house where I’ve lived alone for the past year. That’s faded a little.

    I feel excited for a fresh new start.

    My biggest dilemma tonight is what side of the bed I’m going to sleep on.

    There are still some things in my room that remind me of strummingman. Things we chose together or he bought me.
    I feel at ease with that.

  201.  #201Calypso on October 22, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    Went to moderation – try again without the “bad” word . . .

    Tam – i know it! I was dating a nice man earlier this year and one conversation with GM broke us up. I don’t trust myself very much. I KNOW better than to put myself in a bad situation – I can’t see him in person. It would set me way back. I need more time with JC – to see if this brand new love is real and if it can grow. I think it might actually be somethign really special. The “relationship I want” . . . I just have to stay away from the “man I want” . . .

  202.  #202Calypso on October 22, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    FW – Yes – that is exactly what GM wants. He has told me he is not ready for a committed relationship with me or any other woman, but he needs to know that I am still in his world. I thought I could heal him, but I know now that I can’t and I’m ok with that. I like knowing he is in in my world too – I will keep him for the things he heals in me, but he has to be on the back of my horse now.

  203.  #203Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    I never thought about that way..

    The man I want – the relationship I want..
    Two different things..

  204.  #204Smile on October 22, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Janie baby,

    Here are sOme ideas that might help

    well… it would feel good to see you but i Dont want to sit around with tentative plans. it would make me feel happy to know exactly when u will pick me up. what do you think?

    Fw and Mel also suggested saying I’ll pencil you in until more confirmed plans are made. Something along those lines.

    I used this on strummingman recently. He replied put it in red pen and underline it with kisses!!

  205.  #205Iamabutterfly on October 22, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    I feel so annoyed. and embarassed. why am I thinking about this?

    can someone help me to see if these are effective feeling messages?

    “I feel really disconnected. I don’t want to be just friends, and I have no idea how you view me, but I don’t want to be whatever it is we are now.

    I don’t feel important. I don’t feel like you care at all, and that makes me feel sad.

    I don’t know what you want me to do or what you want me to say, but lately I just feel closed off and I don’t feel like talking at all.

    You’re a great listener, but I feel tired of doing all the talking.

    I want to hear what you have to say.”

    what does everyone think?
    how does everyone feel about this little speech?

  206.  #206Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    Do I reply to his rant or not? Feeling message?

  207.  #207Smile on October 22, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    J baby, lean back. Slather on the love.

  208.  #208Janie Baby on October 22, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    thanks Smile. I like that suggestion, but I already did something stupid. I called. and then I texted
    “I feel sad. I don’t want to be blaked on and then when I want to make my own plans-I don’t like being screamed at. I just don’t see how we will ever work. I’m sad, but I don’t want to feel unsure all the time if my boyfriend is telling the truth or will forget about me. If I’m in a relationship, I want to be sure that my boyfriend will stick to his word.”

    Ugh, no response. I feel dumb. 🙁

  209.  #209Janie Baby on October 22, 2012 at 1:18 pm


  210.  #210Calypso on October 22, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    SG – after the way he talked to you, I do not believe you should respond at all. If you feel like you have to, use something like, “It feels horrible to be talked to like that.”

    What do you think?

  211.  #211Calypso on October 22, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    Janie – top calling yourself “stupid” – you leaned forward, but that is in the past already. Focus on you now and be nice to yourself. 🙂

  212.  #212Janie Baby on October 22, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Calypso, I just feel dumb. I was doing sooo great. Leaning back, didn’t call yesterday when he said he would, but I just kept focused on me and hten had a plan for myself today, and an hour at home, and I crumble and give in and call him. I just feel like a hopeless case. I feel like crying. I feel like i’ll never get rid of the hold he has on me. I feel sad, because he used to be my best friend. We used to hang out all the time, and now I’m like the second option. I feel upset. 🙁 I feel scared of myself. I feel scared that I’ll give in and call him over and over.

  213.  #213Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    I feel so friggin irritable at the moment.

    I wonder if some of it has to do with pregnancy hormones and the related mood swings.

    I also feel frustrated with some of what I’m reading here. I feel really triggered. Not with anyone in particular, just frustrated seeing possible tweaks and solutions and not knowing how to communicate in a way that is efficient with my energy and that will be heard.

    Ergggg, I feel frustrated and sad.

    Right now my relationship feels solid but I feel annoyed because he is always wanting to be with me. I’m feeling like I could use some mental and physical space. He has A LOT o energy and wants to talk and play and I just want to be quiet and read and nest. He just left to go hang with a buddy which feel relieving.

    I do feel lucky and overall really happy with how things are going.

    But I feel shocked by how grouchy I feel today. I really need to find a quiet space that I can go to when I need it.

    We both work from home and it can be a lot to handle at times.

    I feel overwhelmed.

  214.  #214Smile on October 22, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Hi lamabutterfly,

    These are your feelings so of course they’re effective.

    I would take out the ‘yous’ in there.

  215.  #215Goddess Lily on October 22, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    SG, I agree with Calypso.

  216.  #216MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 1:29 pm


    No. Don’t reply to this one. He has done more than enough to show you his true colours.

  217.  #217Smile on October 22, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    Grrr I don’t get any signal in my house.

    How will all my new cd’s I’m going to magnetise be able to contact me.

    I feel irritated.

  218.  #218Janie Baby on October 22, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    I feel upset, I want to be blasted into an alternate universe where he does not exist. That’d be great, and there’d be no way he could contact me and I would not be able to contact him.
    It would be the most wonderful thing ever! 🙂

  219.  #219Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    SG: 206

    If you do choose to reply, I would be diligent about using nothing but FM’s. That feels really important to me if you want to get anywhere with this man.

    I feel really triggered by men using the b and c words. At the same time, as Rori says, anger can be a good thing if you can facilitate it. For me, it would really depend on how he treats me normally. I would ask myself if this is an exception or the rule.

    And because I believe it is so important that it is worth repeating, I would be diligent about only using FM’s during this convo if you choose to reply.

  220.  #220Iamabutterfly on October 22, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    @214 Smile – Thanks, Smile! 🙂

    I feel really disconnected. I don’t want to be just friends, and I feel in the dark. I don’t want to be whatever it is we are now.

    I don’t feel important to you. I feel sad and angry.

    I don’t know what to do or what to say, but lately I just feel closed off and I don’t feel like talking at all.

    You’re a great listener, but I feel tired of doing all the talking.

    I want to hear what you have to say.”

    How is that?

  221.  #221MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 1:36 pm


    Or yes, if you MUST, use calypso’s FM there.

    But you know what it will get you. More abuse.

    I kind of suspected my fm might have the effect it did. Good to know eh?

    Rolling my eyes right now :p

    I feel glad to hear you are feeling relaxed. I can see you know this isn’t good. At all.

  222.  #222MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    I’m beginning to see FMs work in more ways than one. And if a man has not even a drop of empathy…At least they will show us.

  223.  #223Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    I love me and my massive irritable feelings.

    I feel frustrated. What is the mirror/message here?

    What am I letting these things get to me? My life is flowing, why should it bother me what other people are doing?

    Maybe it’s just a sign to be more diligent about what I give my focus to. Hmmm, that could be it.

    Focusing on these things actually makes me feel horrible, then why do I keep doing it? I actually used to not, I used to just not give my attention to these things. Why am I doing it now?


    I love me anyway. I love my irritability and frustration.

  224.  #224Daria on October 22, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    “Contrary to the traditional popular ideas about how social animals organize themselves, researchers Tim Roper and Larissa Conradt have found that it’s in fact not the sexually dominant alpha males who make decisions for the group, but rather that important decisions are actually made via a natural democratic process.

    Barring clear and present danger, members of red deer herds, gorilla bands, African buffalo herds and other close-knit animal societies vote their readiness to move by standing up and pointing themselves in the direction they want to go. When a significant majority have stood and/or pointed themselves in the chosen direction, the group moves on in the direction they’ve chosen together. In a statement that until recently the scientific community would have considered unorthodox or heretical, Roper and Conradt concluded that “democratic behavior is not unique to humans.””

    Teacher Tom

  225.  #225Iamabutterfly on October 22, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    Its like, I feel so content UNTIL he enters my bubble. and then I feel so shaken up and disturbed!!!

  226.  #226MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 1:43 pm


    I agree with you fully.

    But there’s anger (emotion, yelling) and abuse (calling someone a b!tch and their mother a c*** when she says she feels sad).

    I’ve been following SGs story for some time now, and doing everything in my power to be gentle about this. But it looks like psychological abuse to me.

  227.  #227Smile on October 22, 2012 at 1:43 pm


    Are you texting/email or face to face? This would make the difference to me.

    I feel really disconnected.

    I don’t want to be just friends, I feel in the dark.

    I don’t feel important, that makes me feel sad and angry.

    I don’t know what to do or what to say, but lately I just feel closed off and I don’t feel like talking at all.

    Rori suggests pausing between fm so it doesn’t feel overwhelming.

    Shorter fm always feel better for me if I’m actually planning to ‘say’ / ‘deliver them and not just processing.

  228.  #228Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    I’m also noticing that I feel compassion for some of the men in these situations.

    Noticing that I want to be the devil’s advocate. Noticing that even though they may be using harsh words or tactics, that it feels easy for me to see what they are wanting. They are wanting compassion, to be understood, to be treated with respect also. They just don’t know how to ask for it.

    Sigh. I feel so sad seeing people’s needs not getting met.

    Maybe it’s all perfect in the whole scheme of things.

    (((War of the sexes)))

    Sometimes I think I could make a great relationship coach if I just had more patience.

  229.  #229Mercedes on October 22, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    Janie Baby: I got here too late but if you ever ask me this question again: “Should i wait until he calls to say this? I really feel like calling.” I will say YES, WAIT! (unless you’ve been in a relationship with a man for a very long time and you know each other really, really well…then I say call…but only after YEARS of being together).

    But since you didn’t wait…now you need to move on. No more calling yourself names. That serves no purpose. You learned a lesson here. You learned you still have the tendancy to lean forward with this man (maybe with any man). You know that is something you need to work on. So work on it. Move forward. No dwelling on the fact that you reached out to him. Everything is now in his hands and there is nothing left that you need to do except focus on you.

    SG: Is this the kind of man you want? Someone who calls you and your mother names? He does it…he is this kind of man…and it’s not going to get better. If this is the kind of man you want, then yes. Reply to his rant with feeling messages and maybe he’ll be nice to you for a minute.

    If this is NOT the kind of man you want then ignore or reply with “I don’t think you should wait until Friday to come get your things. I put them all outside for you and I won’t be home until late so you might want to hurry before someone takes them. The sign does say “Free”.”

    Ugh! I am NOT liking that man today!!! Can you imagine a life where your man (the one you introduce to your coworkers, friends, relatives…the one you take to your best friend’s wedding…the one you have children with…) is so incredibly DISRESPECTFUL to women that he will use words like that to aim and YOU and to call your very own MOTHER????

    I gotta go. He’s too much for me to be giving my energy to. I can’t imagine spending more than 30 seconds with a man like that and yet I’ve spent more time on him in this post than he’s worth. UGH!

    Much Love,

  230.  #230Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    Your comment is awaiting moderation.
    I’m also noticing that I feel compassion for some of the men in these situations.

    Noticing that I want to be the d*vil’s advocate. Noticing that even though they may be using harsh words or tactics, that it feels easy for me to see what they are wanting. They are wanting compassion, to be understood, to be treated with respect also. They just don’t know how to ask for it.

    Sigh. I feel so sad seeing people’s needs not getting met.

    Maybe it’s all perfect in the whole scheme of things.

    (((War of the sexes)))

    Sometimes I think I could make a great relationship coach if I just had more patience.

  231.  #231Smile on October 22, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Janie baby,

    It doesn’t feel good to read you being negative towards yourself.

    I find if I’ve done something that makes me feel dumb or stupid I say

    I forgive my…
    I love my…

    I love my negative vibes!

    If you fall off your horse, dust yourself down and saddle back up xxx

  232.  #232Janie Baby on October 22, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Mercedes, I’ve been with him for 2 years. And not casually dating, we were best friends, so I never used to think about this stuff until he started acting distant the past 3 months, so I feel angry that I have to play games and step back to get a reaction out of him. I just feel sad.

    And I agree with Mercedes about SG’s guy. He sounds abusive, and I feel for you because I’ve been in that situation. It feels very hard to leave especially when you love that person, but even if he loves you, if that’s the way he treats people he loves, you’ll never be happy and you deserve more. Anyways, words are emptier than actions, but when you had enough, walk away. Move somewhere for a while. if not literally, than metaphorically. Find a passion.

  233.  #233Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    I sent “Ah, it feels horrible to be spoken to like that”

    He replied

    “It feels horrible when you do things for other people and they wont even help you out too.. When they’re more bothered about going out. I’ve told you before. You still want to go out and all that and obviously you want to go on holidays to Ibiza. I’m used to all that I’ve had it done enough times. (His exes were into going out – girls clubbing holidays etc) I knew once you started your job you wouldnt be bothered anymore. Its the truth and how I feel.
    You’ve obviously been filling everyone elses heads full of s hit and makin me look horrible. But I don’t care what people think of me.”

    Truth is. I’ve done ten years of partying since I was 16. I am over all the going out. I go out when Im feeling down and lonely. When Ive argued with him. Thats all. Hes got me all wrong.

    I feel like saying – I’ll be over all the going out and partying and Ibiza etc when I find a good man. I go out more when I feel lonely. When I don’t feel loved and need some fun. I want to settle down. Have a house, family.. Kids and a husband I can worship.. its my dream. I want a man who makes me feel loved and cherished. Who makes me feel like his special girl. Who I could talk to about anything, trust and know he always had my best interests at heart. A man who makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. A man I can feel my best, positive self around. I deserve that. I will have that relationship. You are the man that I want, but it isnt the kind of relationship I want. As much as I want you to be that man, I don’t think you can be and its not your fault. That makes me feel sad.

    How can I simplfy that.. At least hes telling me how he feels..

  234.  #234Daria on October 22, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    so dope

    “Examples of democratic activity can be found at levels as far down Life’s food chain as microbes. “In recent years,” Werner Krieglstein wrote in Green Horizon Magazine , “scientists have documented a remarkable sequence of behavior that might well be suited to serve as a metaphor if not as a lived example for how we human beings can and should behave in times of need…Scientists observed this single cell organism cooperating in a quite extraordinary fashion when the food supply was running short.”

    Facing a life threatening famine, hordes of single-celled amoeba called dictyostelium gather from every direction and every part of famine territory and turn themselves collectively into a new creature: slime mold. “They group together, forming a community, to achieve goals they could not achieve by themselves.”

    Microbiologist Mahlon Hoagland explains how this works: Recognizing pending catastrophe, “a single amoeba, apparently self-appointed, begins to emit a chemical signal. Near-by neighbors, irresistibly drawn to the signal ‘ooze’ over and attach themselves to the signaler. Each new member of the cluster amplifies the signal by releasing its own signal. More amoeba arrive.” It’s sort of like a grassroots flash mob at this point. “Then a startling transformation occurs: The aggregate shapes itself into a slug and begins to migrate to a new location, leaving a trail of slime behind it. As the slug moves the cells differentiate into three distinct types,” each type taking up a task vital to the group’s survival.

    They form a creature that looks like a tiny futuristic floor lamp with a base, a post and a round, covered bulb. The base roots the slime mold in its new food-rich environment. The post raises the bulb high so that its equivalent of light will cover as large an area as possible. And what’s the equivalent of light in this amoebic democracy analogy? Spores, like tiny eggs. Dispersed like photons in their new space when the bulb “turns on” and emits them, they become new single-celled amoebae. “And then the cycle begins anew.” Individuals do their own thing until collective-democratic-action is required again to deal with another shared crisis.”

  235.  #235Janie Baby on October 22, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    THanks Smile. That feels good to read, I hope one day I could honestly love the part of me that screws up this relationship stuff all the time. Love hte part of me that acts crazy with men and can’t control her hormones. 🙁

  236.  #236Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Had tears start rolling down my cheeks when I started writing that then. I know that’s what I deserve. I so wish he could be that again.

  237.  #237Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Miss Stix: I totally honor and accept your perspective and I see it a little differently. I feel hesitant to label something words as abuse. I see them as more of a cry for help.

    I have been following SG’s situation too.

    To be honest, it would feel great right now if we could accept that we both want to best for SG and just see things a little differently. We can all offer our perspective and she can apply what feels right for her.

    I feel a little pushed on and uncomfortable right now and I don’t want to be made wrong for my perspective.

    We all have our own personal deal breakers.

    I know I have used harsh words and name calling at points in my life when I felt stuck and didn’t know what to do. Not something that I am proud of or want to repeat but also not something that I would consider abuse.

  238.  #238Daria on October 22, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Ellen LaConte

  239.  #239Iamabutterfly on October 22, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    @227 Smile – this is what I want to say to him next time I run into him, face-to-face, as no calling/texting has happened in a long time.

    it makes me feel angry that guys have such freaking processing difficulties with emotions…

    now I feel like a hypocrite, because I always feel like guys are trying to communicate with me without actually talking to me.

    I just feel frustrated!

    thank you, again. I really appreciate your feedback!

  240.  #240Smile on October 22, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    Relax, relax, relax

    I feel relaxed lighting a candle and watching it’s flickering flame.

    I feel good focussing On me. I love my Sadness. I can feel it wash over me and leave. It doesn’t stay long anymore. Letting go letting go. I can feel my energy pick me up and more me forward.

  241.  #241Daria on October 22, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    “but also not something that I would consider abuse.”

    this feels weird… why not?

    is there a trigger about seeing oneself as capable of abuse?

  242.  #242Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    I know girls. I know. I agree. So why do I find it so hard to walk away. Clinging on to the perfect man he was at times. I feel so much stronger than before. You all help and repeat exactly what my mother, friends, co workers etc are saying. I’m getting there. x x x

  243.  #243MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    Laughing goddess

    When I have done something similar to the nane calling myself, it was abusive. I was being abusive. Not proud of that myself…But it’s up to each adult to recognise their own behavior and own it.

  244.  #244Daria on October 22, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    SG – the speech is not too bad but i def wouldn’t say this ” I don’t think you can be ”

    that would destroy the speech

  245.  #245Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    SG: what you wrote feels authentic and vulnerable. Here is what I would say. I removed a few things that feel a bit blamy.

    “I go out more when I feel lonely. When I don’t feel loved and need some fun. I want to settle down. Have a house, family.. Kids and a husband I can worship.. its my dream. I want a man who makes me feel loved and cherished. Who makes me feel like his special girl. Who I could talk to about anything, trust and know he always had my best interests at heart. A man who makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. A man I can feel my best, positive self around. You are the man that I want, but this isnt the kind of relationship I want. ***i feel unsure of how to get there with you*** That makes me feel sad.”

  246.  #246Smile on October 22, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    234- Janie baby.

    I love the learning and healing that happens

    I love this rollercoaster ride! It feels exciting! I feel alive, like I’m living life! I can feel the ups and downs. I love my journey 

  247.  #247Daria on October 22, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    this feels cool to see as i often get such a strong urge to say something like that to the men at the end of my speeches

    it just seems like thats really the POINT of what i want to say, and its not, i want to practice being open and staying with my feelings, not judging him even when my voices are screaming at me judging him and it seems like it makes so much sense

  248.  #248Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Miss Stix: I love you. You are truly one of my faves here and I would love to accept that we have different perspectives on this.

    I don’t want to argue with you and I don’t want to be pushed to change my views.

    I hope you can understand that.

  249.  #249Mercedes on October 22, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    Janie Baby: I’m talking MANY years before you can lean forward with a guy during uncomfortable situations and NEVER if you feel him pulling away. And this: ” I feel angry that I have to play games and step back to get a reaction out of him. ” You don’t. Just allow him to take the lead. He will if he wants to be with you. Don’t expect him to do it. Allow him to do it. And be open to a man who is giving/doing/saying the things you need. He’ll feel it from you and, if he is right for you, he will lead. I promise.

    Much Love,

  250.  #250MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    Of course LG I love you too! I feel at ease discussing this with you but if you don’t that’s ok too. I would hope I don’t come off as trying to force a change of opinion…But if I do, this must be something I need to work on. I do my best to stay within the expression of my own opinion without bad talking the opposing opinion.

  251.  #251Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    I feel triggered. What would Rori recommend in this situation?

  252.  #252Starla on October 22, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    ohhhh my
    it feels almost disturbing to pine for this man as much as i did when we first split.

    it’s almost like i’m at square one again, except i’m not. because my new square one is stronger.

  253.  #253Smile on October 22, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    Lamabutterfly, I would def keep it short then with pauses.

    I feel like I’m getting better at saying fm rather than texting. I’m feeling more aware of my voice and body language as I do it. Last weekend was great practise for me. It really felt good being aware of my feelings as I spoke.

    Fm aren’t yet part of my everyday language. I’m slowly becoming less awkward with it. Saying I feel is becoming more natural now when I speak.

    Thanks for helping me around this tonight too.

  254.  #254Mercedes on October 22, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    LG: Hopefully Rori would recommend putting his stuff on the porch…

    LOL…sorry…trying to get through my anger at this man I don’t even know…with a little humor. 🙂

    Much Love,

  255.  #255Janie Baby on October 22, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    Mercedes, that makes sense. Thanks so much for your advice!
    I feel scared to let go. If he calls should I answer or let it ring? I feel nervous. 🙁
    Do I remain open when he calls even though I am upset about the flaking thing? For the most part, he gives me what I want, we see each other more and more throughout the week, but I feel upset when he flakes on calling me because he never used to do this. I don’t know if this is something to give up on or not. I don’t know. I feel like I either build up walls or let them completely down. I want to be strong but not blamey and not angry. I want to stand up for myself without hurting someone. 🙁

  256.  #256Daria on October 22, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    “The result of not punishing my children is trust.

    While they still have occasional squabbles over toys they need me to help them work out, more and more they can play together for hours and regulate themselves. They still hit each other, but more and more they move away and say, “I’m so mad! I want to hit him” and come to me for a hug. They don’t run away from me, and they respect me.”

  257.  #257Starla on October 22, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    i am trying to talk myself out of chasing CF and into ignoring ‘signs’ i see that say i should try to connect with him.

    so i distract myself with a fortune cookie:)

    Except the fortune cookie says “a short trip to the north will bring happiness to your near future.”

    guess who lives a short trip north of here?


  258.  #258Smile on October 22, 2012 at 2:15 pm


  259.  #259Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    I feel relieved to read that Miss Stix. I feel understood.

    I feel resistant to the idea of simply writing this guy off as a bad guy or abusive. When I take into account all of the text exchanges that I have read between the two, I see lots of argumentative talk between the two of them. I feel curious to see how he would respond if SG was diligent about using FM’s. What has she got to lose?

  260.  #260Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    I feel I am so much stronger than before because of this blog. Somewhere to vent. Somewhere to get advice. Somewhere to feel understood at times I doubt myself.

    Oh no.. I just sent that whole feeling speech to my co worker instead of him. Now I feel.. Embarrassed. hahaha Ohhhh nooooo.. Damn. 😮

  261.  #261Smile on October 22, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    I chose the left side of the bed. I feel comfortable in this spot!
    I feel giggly thinking I might sleep smack bang in the middle, just because I can!!

    Night night 

  262.  #262Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.. Did I really just do that.. Oh my lord. I did. How embarrasing. Haha.

  263.  #263Janie Baby on October 22, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    hahaha SG, that is kind of funny. I hate it when that happens. maybe it’s some sort of weird sign that you should wait to send something to him?
    But then again, I feel that you should do whatever you feel like doing.

  264.  #264Janie Baby on October 22, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    Smile, I like the left side of the bed too but then I like to sneak into the center and spread out instead of feeling sad that J is not on the other side, i feel kind of excited to have the big bed to myself. 🙂

  265.  #265Smile on October 22, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    I feel calm lying still, my thoughts feel rested.

  266.  #266Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    To me, this is a good case of being strong on the inside and soft on the outside.

    Strong on the inside means no, I will not stand for true abuse. It’s not even a part of my reality. Soft on the outside means I will be vulnerable and share my feelings and be understanding of his.

  267.  #267Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    G’night Smile. Sweet dreams!

  268.  #268Janie Baby on October 22, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    Sometimes it’s fun to have a sense of humor about these guy situations and just accept our silly quirks. I like to sing to this song It’s self deprecating but fun 🙂 I like it, makes everything seem better.

  269.  #269MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    I will keep quiet on this now. I do feel a little backed up. I feel a little restrained. I have felt blocked to say what’s truly in my mind from the start. Applied filters. I feel free and at ease when I express my opinion. I feel restrained when I feel I “can’t” because I don’t want to negatively impact people. I should run out anyways. Got some errands on the agenda.

  270.  #270Daria on October 22, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    i feel pain in my heart

    i feel so powerless and hot and not at peace thinking ive been judged

    and when i ‘see’ the person that triggered me like this online i feel so shut off and shut down

    and usually i look down and away and i want to stop that

    and actually look them in the eye

    i still feel upset

    i do not want to be judged as abusive for saying ‘i feel like hitting someone’ when i’m practicing sharing feelings instead of hitting people

    and i also think i woud feel scared and numb and mad if someone said to me “i feel like hitting you”

    and still triggered and tense if they said “i feel like hitting someone”

    i dont know that i could handle that from a man

    and i feel ashamed and guilty that i could be triggering that reaction by having the feelings im having


    i want to accept all my feelings

    i love all my feelings

    and i feel so sad to think im being judged

    and to feel ignored and shut out

    and imagine im being judged as arguing instead of being taken at face value as wanting to know

    i feel awful being treated that way, coldly, and ignored

    i feel annoyed also on top of that


    i feel ashamed to feel resentful

    i judge people when they feel resentful

    i love my judgement

    i love my shame

    i love my resentment

    i feel like yelling

    im feeling panick

    i dont want to feel this heartache pain

    i love my heartache pain


    i love my fffffffff

    i feel like punching

    i love my feeling like punching

    i feel small and curled over and hiding from others

    i feel like shutting down into myself, into my warm quiet safety

    i feel like it would take so much effort to look someone in the eye now

    and they would see that my heart feels so achey i supppose

    they would see i feel very sad


    i feel confused why i wouldnt show that


    i feel sad

    i love my sadness and i love the intrigue of this exploration

    and i feel like running away

    i feel all tight in my chest

    i love the tightness in my chest

    and that feels like

    tingling all in my cheeks and i love the tingling all in my cheeks

    and that feels like

    shutting down rage

    i love my shutting down

    i love my rage

    i feel like screaming!

    i feel unseen and unloved

    i dont want to feel this way

    i feel confused

    i love my confusion

    i feel anger

    i love my anger

    i feel tremblyness

    i love my tremblyness

    i feel weighed on

    i love my weighed on feeling

    i feel like chopping up this imaginary person in my head that i can see there judging me

    i dont want this thoughtform and image around anymore

    i love my thoughtform and image


    wow yeah

    thank u

    i feel pressed on my chest

    i love the pressure on my chest

    i feel stuffy nosed

    i love the stuffey in my nose

    i feel pressure up the back of my neck to my skull

    i love the pressure up the back of my neck to my skull

    i feel Anger!

    i love my anger

  271.  #271Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Yes. I feel I have not stood for it this time, to a point. I have not left ‘complicated relationship’ on my facebook. Ick. It’s single if it’s that way. I haven’t begged, pleaded, chased. I’ve leaned back, taken the abuse and replied back in feeling messages. I have never felt strong enough to send what I really feel and want. Now I feel I have nothing to lose. He can know what I want. I don’t care. I do want all that and why not.

    Although I’m absolutely utterly CRINGING my life out now that I sent that whole script to a co worker I don’t even know that well. Jeez Louise.
    Why the huge script though. Why Why haha. My life is over. Haha.

  272.  #272Tereana on October 22, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    So, I have a sick day home from work. Ironically, it worked out that all of my appointments vanished, more or less on their own. I cancelled them. But they also moved out of the way themselves. I won’t go into the mechanics of that. But I figure it all makes sense – the Universe just wanted me to take a day off!

    So here I am, on the couch with a marathon of TV shows. Soon I will do some writing. But first I thought I’d just check in on the blog.

    I sent Vman another email today. I started writing it last night, and today I got up and edited it some more. It was kind of long. I got in a lot of stuff I wanted to say. And hopefully still the pressure is off of him. But basically what I wanted to tell him was that I knew he could do better. He was offering me 10%, and I knew he was capable of more – 110% or even 120%. So I wasn’t willing to settle for less when I knew that more was available. So kind of an all or nothing scenario. But that is what it would have to be if it was going to make me interested. Anything less than that, and I’m moving on. I don’t have time to waste on less than amazing. Because I am not less than amazing : )

    Go me!

    Raising my vibration and my level of difficulty? Heck yeah!

  273.  #273MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 2:27 pm



    I just… I have not said what I truly think. And I won’t. For SGs sake.

    I don’t know if anyone but me sees it, but it is not a productive thing to say.

    Hands tied.

  274.  #274Daria on October 22, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    i really really love my anger and my desire to scream and think about ‘fairness’

    is it powerless i feel under there

    is it humiliated/

    i dont know what i feel under, frustrated, tears, hot, pain in my heart

    i LOVE my heartpain

    i LOVE the pain in my heart

    Thank you for triggering me

    i get to feel pain in my heart yay!!! i can FEEL…! i am healing!!!!

    i LOVE the pain in my heart

    i LOVE the numbness throughtout my chest neck and skulll

  275.  #275Daria on October 22, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    i love my desire to verbally abuse !!! yayyyyy

  276.  #276Daria on October 22, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    i love these tingles and tension in my face and tongue!

  277.  #277Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    His reply to the script.,

    “Well have a look at how you act. I try do anything I can to keep you happy and make things better and right. And it obviously isnt enough for you. Its not like you help out back when its needed. Like I’ve said, you obviously have this holiday planned and also make me look a horrible c*nt to people hence them liking the sh1t you put to TRY make me jealous, but it doesn’t bother me one bit! I’ve had it done before. Feels like I try do everything for you but yet you cant do a little thing for me without making it into a drama. Then go out. Maybe thats what I should do. You’re the one who changed everything to single so it’s oviously what you want. Its tough because I was planning on us going to Ireland for weekend, and now its not even happening.

    Why should I try make things perfect when I just get headaches and made to look a horrible c*nt in return. So may as well just be the horrible c*nt you make out

    And if you think I’m lying about the holiday. Was getting flights with RyanAir and the place we were going to stay was lika a b and ba and boozer call xxxxx.. Just so you know I wasnt making it up””

  278.  #278Mercedes on October 22, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Janie Baby: You’re trying too hard here. Do what feels GOOD to you!

    “Do I answer when he calls?” Do you want to?? If you want to and you just let it ring then you are playing games and I hate it when women play games. If you let it ring because you don’t want to talk to him right now then you are being true to yourself.

    “Do I remain open when he calls even though I’m upset?” Can’t you be open and still communicate that you are upset? (he should be able to handle you letting him know you aren’t comfortable with the way things have changed between you to).

    “For the most part, he gives me what I want, we see each other more and more throughout the week” This is great. Do you tell him this? Does he KNOW he gives you what you want because you’ve thanked him for that? Have you told him how wonderful that makes you feel? Does he know you love the fact that you see him more and more??

    And if you DO tell him these things, do you follow it up with a “but I don’t like it when…”??? Because that’s not always a good thing. Men need to hear how much we love what they’re doing without hearing “but…” after the compliment.

    “but I feel upset when he flakes on calling me because he never used to do this.” Does he know you feel this way and does he know it scares you to see the difference in him?

    “I don’t know if this is something to give up on or not. I don’t know. I feel like I either build up walls or let them completely down. I want to be strong but not blamey and not angry. I want to stand up for myself without hurting someone. ” Then let him take the lead and in the meantime, enjoy your own life with or without him. Have fun. Laugh. Hang with your friends. Trying cooking something crazy new. Dance naked in your living room. Whatever. Just be in a place, within yourself, where you are happy, open and authentic at all times (well…we can’t be happy at all times, but regardless of the emotion, let it be real and about YOU, not about a man). Then, when he calls, he will hear the YOU he’s known and loved for so long.

    Just let him lead. Enjoy your own life. Be open to bringing him along for the ride if he wants to join you.

    Much Love,

  279.  #279Tereana on October 22, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    Simply Goddess – what feeling speech did you send to your co-worker? The one about the man that you want and all of that? If so, that sounds like a silly scene from a romantic comedy. teehee! It feels giggly to me. Like I’m sure you feel totally embarrassed. But I’m sure it’s not so bad…you can laugh at yourself and still be okay. and just tell your co-worker how embarrassed you feel. You can use your FMs on him, too, and just be honest. It will all be okay 🙂

  280.  #280Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    “If at any point he starts attacking you verbally – try a Power Speech (my Toxic Men program is all about Power Speeches) – where you say something like – “I hear how angry you are. I hear that you’re angry with me…This feels scary, and yet I want to feel heard, and so I want to hear you…and yet I feel really, really bad, and now I’m feeling attacked, and I don’t want to feel attacked. I’m happy to hear how you feel, and I don’t want to be attacked, and so I’m going to leave now…” And just walk backwards and away.

    Don’t let him strong-arm you, and don’t let him attack you. Screaming at you is not attacking you. Leaning forward with his face red and his fists in the air is pretty scary, but as long as you’re sure he would never touch you or physically hurt you, you want to be able to stand there while he turns red and screams “I’m just so frustrated with you!” (Even though you’d NEVER say that to him – you’d just say “I’m feeling so frustrated!”)

    The more anger that’s unexpressed, the more distant the relationship. There’s no way to heal this without the anger coming up. You have to be able to hear it without folding – even though it may trigger an old traumatic reaction inside you and make you want to run or scream back – or just freeze. See if you can do none of those things (it takes practice) – and simply say how you feel. And when you’ve had enough – just say – “I’ve reached my limit, I can’t hear anymore,” and leave.

    If you do this, you’ll break all your old patterns, and you’ll feel so much better and stronger inside. And if he still can’t join in the dialogue to save your relationship – and without attacking you – then you will likely feel less and less for him. It will be YOU losing interest in HIM.

    Remember – this isn’t about you being understanding and tolerating him however he is. This is very specifically standing your ground and building YOUR tolerance for being present when he’s angry, and knowing when to walk away when you’ve had enough.

    It’s sort of a fearless, powerful thing to do – and he’ll get it right away.”

  281.  #281Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    Ahh Miss Stix. Don’t feel you have to hold back.
    I probably know myself. xx

  282.  #282Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    Yes the really bloody long one about the man I want blah blah. Cringetastic. Cringe Cringe Cringe and Cringe some more. Felt brave enough to be really honest and vulnerable with him.. Not my workplace. Hahaha. It is funny. Oh why me.

  283.  #283Daria on October 22, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    i love how i can feel myself shutting down when i think fo being open to the poeple who trigger me!

    i love my trick of prtending what triggered me happened with other people and these people nwo are cool and im just sharing my feelings with them about what happened with other people

    yes i felt so mad

    i felt judged! it felt Horrible! omg u guys

    i still feel so upset abou tit

    i felt totally misudnerstood and not seen

    and i felt vulnerable and scared and not loved, i felt attacked and not supported

    ohhh it was awful

    i wish Rori was there to support me and she wasnt and i felt like somoen sprayed icky juice on me and said i was bad

    and i felt totally shut out

    and my heart felt ACHY like ouch tight in my chest

    and i still feel so sad

    i feel so upset that i was treated that way

    i dont want to be treated that way

    i feel uncomfortable and upset about it still

    i want to cry and i dont feel like crying, i feel tight in my chest

    i feel hounded my imagined repetitions of how it went down

    i feel so sad

    i hear “why does this always happen to me”


    its been several times that i got the impression friends turned on me

    and now i feel scared im turning on people eek


    i feel panicked

    i feel like running away from these images

    i feel overwhelmed

    i feel lik ei cant cope

    i feel desperate for validation that im OK and that im right, that they’re wrong, for jduging me for that

    i feel scared, i feel shame!

    i feel scared that they’re right and it’s actually NOT safe to express myself fully, when it may scare other people

    and also i feel ashamed that i feel scared sometimes when people express Themselves

    and i feel hopeless

    i love my hopeless feeling and my sadness

  284.  #284Mercedes on October 22, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    SG: He’s being controlling and manipulative. Please ignore him…even if just for one night…please…

  285.  #285Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    I didnt ‘help out’ having his kid this weekend because I’m sick of him making decisions and expecting me to step up
    I’m sick of feeling used
    I don’t want to be in his mums all weekend while hes at work when she isnt even speaking to me! – I havnt been for months. She has deleted me from her facebook.
    He actually got angry before I even replied to the TEXTS he sent about this weekend. He didnt even verbally mention it.

    I only went out because I was sat at home alone and he was ignoring me, plus he was working all weekend – 12 hour days. When I was out this weekend my friend said to go to Ibiza with everyone next year. He’s been ignoring me so I said I might. Jesus.

    You’d think he’d been the perfect boyfriend and I was doing all this to him.

    Just venting here so I don’t to him.

  286.  #286Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    I didnt ‘help out’ having his kid this weekend because I’m sick of him making decisions and expecting me to step up
    I’m sick of feeling used
    I don’t want to be in his mums all weekend while hes at work when she isnt even speaking to me! – I havnt been for months. She has deleted me from her facebook.
    He actually got angry before I even replied to the TEXTS he sent about this weekend. He didnt even verbally mention it.

    I only went out because I was sat at home alone and he was ignoring me, plus he was working all weekend – 12 hour days. When I was out this weekend my friend said to go to Ibiza with everyone next year. He’s been ignoring me so I said I might. Je sus.

    You’d think he’d been the perfect boyfriend and I was doing all this to him.
    Hes ignored me all weekend, changed our rel status and been a general tosser! Cry for help maybe but he’s going about it all the wrong way.

    Just venting here so I don’t to him.

  287.  #287MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    omg weeeeeeee my oldest and bestest (the guy I was supposed to see on my bday) just invited me out tomorrow 😀 I feel happy and excited.

  288.  #288Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 2:54 pm


    I how can I honor and take care of myself right now?

    I feel a smile creeping on my face just asking myself that question.

    Aha! Yes, my channelling list. I will pick up the living room. I always feel better when my space is tidy. I will make myself something delicious to eat. I will listen to uplifting talks and music, perhaps dance if the urge hits me.

    I’m not a victim. That’s one thing I know for sure.

    I feel whole and empowered.

    Love love love to me.

  289.  #289Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    I guess so Mercedes.
    Me bad – he had a secret romantic getaway booked for that complicated relationship of his.
    How confused is he.

  290.  #290Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    I feel relieved that I was able to communicate to mr man that I was feeling irritable today and needed space in a way that he didn’t take personally.

    I feel proud of myself.

  291.  #291MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 3:00 pm


    Well…My mind keeps drifting back to that bra you found with all this extreme “Go on the offensive” behavior.

    I also see, in this most current text, him blaming you and saying you are doing to him what he is actually doing to you. Mirroring.

  292.  #292Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    So you suspect possible cheating?
    I could suspect it myself.. He’s so secretive with his phone.

    What does the mirroring mean? xx

  293.  #293Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    I also feel excited about my big boobies. I feel a little shy to say that. They are growing now yet still feel perky!!!

    That sort of makes up for the fact that other parts of my body are changing and getting thicker.

    I’m at that weird stage where I don’t really look pregnant, just like I am putting on weight.

    I feel a little uncomfortable with that.

    Awwww, I love me.

    And I do love these big perky boobies. I’m gonna work them while I’ve got them!!!!


  294.  #294Starla on October 22, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    SG, as someone who has been an “abuser” like him before, I can say with certainty that he is reacting to feeling like he’s being persecuted, made wrong, and perceived to be something he doesn’t want to be seen as (a nut) which is making him act nuttier. He is very concerned with what other people think of him, etc.

    I would tell him

    “ohhhh, (name), no one thinks you’re a c*nt. don’t even worry about other people; this is between you and me. and right now, i am not feeling like i can handle talking about this productively when things are so… intense. would feel better to talk when things are calmer.”

  295.  #295Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    I’m also confused myself about the need for the ‘complicated relationship’ on facebook. It was random. Also when he took it off last time it seemed top me a struggle for him to put it back on. Not good. Hmm.

  296.  #296MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    Mirroring happens for lots of reasons…The one that stands out most, for me, in your scenario is that deep down he may have negative feelings over his own behavior (I can only speculate: guilt, maybe.) So he projects that onto you *subconsciously, in order to relieve his own negative feelings.

  297.  #297Tam on October 22, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    what a day. MrNap has finally disappeared. I feel like going to bed, it is 6pm. I am going to paint my nails. I feel exhausted.

  298.  #298Mercedes on October 22, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    “he had a secret romantic getaway booked for that complicated relationship of his.” – No he didn’t. He used too many words to try to get you to believe he wasn’t lying. 🙂 He’s being manipulative. He’s not interested in a romantic relationship. He’s interested in using you and making sure you do what he says when he says it.

    Be DONE!

  299.  #299Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    Ahhh, I surrender. Everyone is living their own lives and its beautiful and they are on the right track and I can just surrender and be a warm, sandy beach and I don’t have to control or do or say anything.

    I can just melt into this moment and be and that feels luxuriously freeing.

  300.  #300MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 3:09 pm




    I don’t want to call anyone a “cheater” I am trying to remove that from my vocab. But yes, I get the feeling he may be spending time with other women in a way you would not feel comfortable with.

    And…I don’t know for sure. You know? But I do feel glad to see you have your eyes open.

  301.  #301Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    and what could I say do about that Miss Stix.
    I don’t trust him really.. I’ve found things before.
    He swears he’d never cheat or anything. Although he’s done it to his ex. He lies alot too. Not good. Here lies all our problems.

  302.  #302Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Starla 293

    Oh yes! I like!!!

  303.  #303Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    I feel triggered by it now. Don’t worry though Miss Stix it’s because deep inside I have been stuffing down the thoughts and feelings related to him possibly cheating.
    He’s done it in the past.
    He’s ultra secretive with his 2 phones.
    I mean I found a bra yano. I let it go. I haven’t even mentioned it.
    I’ve found dirty pics etc before.
    He cheated on his ex.
    How can I ever trust him?

    However, to be fair. Over summer hes spent all his time at mine. Every day/night. I dunno. It makes me feel really sad and hurt to think so.

  304.  #304Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    Then again, the defensiveness might be related to as Starla said, being perceived to be a ‘nut’

    I feel like ranting at him now and giving him a piece of my mind about other women.. It would feel good and then bad.
    I’m unsure as to whether to send Starlas suggestion.

  305.  #305Mel on October 22, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    ((((Simply Goddess))))

    I feel pained for you. It doesn’t feel good. Maybe it can be, but the only way to get there is to turn the stuck energy elsewhere… on you.

  306.  #306MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 3:19 pm


    The only thing to do with that information is to use it for your own benefit. You can’t accuse him…Or even blame him really. It will get you nowhere. Trust me on that…

    You can use it to help you let go, and move on. If that’s what you want. If you don’t want to let go and move on the only thing you can do is forget it happened and hope it doesn’t happen again. It’s a really sh!tty place to be. I tried for 2 years to do that with my husband and I never gained my trust back and he just ended up doing it again. It’s a bad cycle.

  307.  #307Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    …but what if he hasnt.
    Feel overwhelmed with issues.

  308.  #308MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    And I agree with mel…Move through how you feel and zoom your focus out if you can. Try writing out just how you feel without any referrence to him. It may help you move through it.

  309.  #309Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    “it’s human nature to want to defend yourself when you think you’re being made out to be the sole bad guy in a situation”

  310.  #310MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 3:24 pm


    Maybe he hasn’t…Has or hasn’t. Doesn’t really matter. This is why I said I felt it wasn’t productive to bring it up.

  311.  #311Mel on October 22, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    I love that I can choose to remove my energy from a situation that feels bad. No blame, just gotta do something that feels better. Last week was intense on the home-front. Lots of negative vibes (not directed AT me per-se). I felt like I was in the crossfire of laser beams shooting prickles and pokey things.

    I got ‘snapped-at’ at one point…. I just said “oooooh, ouch…..hmmmm…. I feel bad. My words did not mean that I feel like I want to give you a kiss… but maybe just on your cheek…. but then it would feel good for me to take the dogs for a walk, because that will feel really nice right now.” And then I left him to make dinner by himself.

    And I did not feel even a little bit guilty or bad for it. And I did not blame or make him wrong. I just did what felt better. 🙂

  312.  #312Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    I know. But bringing it up or not. The issues are still there non the less. It’s still another thing I have thought myself before. We’re on the same page. I just can never know if he has.. or hasn’t. That’s hard.

  313.  #313MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    Anyways…I have said more than enough. More than I feel comfortable with. ((((you)))) I am here for you, but I feel more at ease to bow out of discussing him for now. You’re in my heart!

  314.  #314MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 3:29 pm


  315.  #315Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    I know. Thank you.. You’ve been great. xxx

  316.  #316MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    I am rooting for you! 🙂

  317.  #317Janie Baby on October 22, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    SG, whenever I feel insecure in relationships about other women, I just focus on myself. there’s no way of knowing if he has or hasn’t, and that’s really hard, but the only thing that matters is how he makes YOU feel when you’re with him. and if you feel insecure and like you can’t trust him whether he HAS cheated or NOT, you would feel happier without him. Investing time in investigating whether a man has or has not cheated does nothing to serve you. You cannot control others, but you can control how you feel.

    and Mercedes, thansk for the advicee! Love it <3

  318.  #318LiliBee on October 22, 2012 at 3:44 pm



    That used to happen to me when I would get to feeling lonely.

    Even if Warrior didn’t feel right for you, and you made the decision, it still feels lonely after.
    That loneliness is likely what is prompting you to turn your focus back on CF.

    You probably know this already.
    But it brings back memories for me.

    Your so great at taking care of yourself.
    I feel sure you’ll be back to your self care rituals soon.

  319.  #319MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    I still, to this day do not know for sure exactly what happened when my ex was spending time with those girls. I saw the texts. He did me the service of telling me he was not “in love” anymore. We still tried. It just didn’t work. I feel a little sad looking back, but when I bring my focus back to now I feel ok about it. Good about it in fact. Because it is easier, and more fair to focus on the fact that our relationship had gone sour. We both wanted out by the end. But it was mostly a good 7.5 years…The last 2 years, however brutally rough still had an immense amount of love sent back and forth. Sigh…He is on my mind. I had a bad dream with him in it the night before last…And the next day he invited me to his 30th. Sating in the FB event “happy pipes-giving! all I want for my birthday is pipes :)”. Which was all I ever asked for for any gift giving holiday. A glass pipe for my collection. Every month or so he is sure to remind me he’s alive and thinking of me. Last time it was the text and call from linkin park after they played the song that reminds him of me. I feel and see major signs from the universe these past few days. I have yet to work them out…I feel a little melancholy in this moment. I don’t know for sure if I will go to his party or not. I never did see him after I “rescheduled” when I said yes to the date. I never showed up. Is the universe telling me to show up? Or was the abandonment/apocalypse dream a sign NOT to show up.

  320.  #320MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    What still needs healing, universe?

    Am I ready to have him express desires to romance me and actually say “I feel opposed to that. I don’t feel that way about you, and could not. I don’t want to.”

    Could I? Could I say that to his face? Would that fuel his desire? Should I leave this be and just never show up? Just allow him to keep popping up and continue to move through it and on and up?

  321.  #321MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    I suddenly feel very old. Like…I have 80 years of behind me. This is not the first time I have felt this “weary and wisened” feeling.

    I am choosing to let this go for now. I am blinded to a resolution. If I focus on my time with bestie tomorrow and the inevitable bear hug 😀 I can easily pull back and revisit this later.

    mmmmmmmmm bear hug.

  322.  #322April Rose on October 22, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    Janie Baby,

    I replied to your initial posting on the previous thread.

    Did you see it?
    (quite a long answer with lots of Rori tips)

  323.  #323MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    I was watching that movie stepmom yesterday with julia roberts and when she says her man “It’s not that I can’t cook, it’s that I choose not to. There’s a difference.” I thought of sirens. 🙂

  324.  #324MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    When she says it she is sitting on the kitchen counter as he cooks for her and he goes to her and kisses her. Total siren moment.

  325.  #325Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    April Rose!

  326.  #326Starla on October 22, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    thank you, lilibee

    your words feel soothing

  327.  #327Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 4:35 pm


    I feel unsure of what to say. I feel confused about the CF situation and don’t want to give you bad advice.

    I do feel very appreciative you and our friendship. And I do feel trusting that whatever you choose to do, you’re gonna be a rockstar.

  328.  #328April Rose on October 22, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    Laughing Goddess,

    Your posting 279 just stopped me in my tracks

    What a post!!!!
    So many times I’ve asked on here if sirens know what ‘facilitating anger’ looks like.

    “The more anger that’s unexpressed, the more distant the relationship. There’s no way to heal this without the anger coming up.”

    Sh*t Sh*t Sh*t !!!!!!!!!!!

    Wm’s anger has been coming up massively for the last three months (ever since I stayed out overnight with EM)
    I have stood vulnerably in the face of it.

    It continued. It erupted. Mostly I held my ground without folding. I have not become defensive.

    Now he has gone to another woman.

    I feel sad. I realise the anger was healthy.
    I intend for it to continue to heal.
    I will carry on with my siren way of being in his presence.

  329.  #329Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    Goddess Lilly #6

    A natural remedy that I have been really into lately is oil pulling. It’s seems so simply yet seems to have profoundly healing effects on people.

    I’m actually doing it right now. 🙂

    Basically you swish oil in your mouth (sesame, sunflower, coconut) for 20 mins on an empty stomach.

    The oil pulls out all sorts of nasty bacteria and viruses from your blood stream. The oil somehow attracts the lipid-based cell walls of the nasties. Then you spit it out in toilet.

    There lots of info on the web about it and I have personally had some great results although I got out of the habit of doing it.

    I’m just getting started again because I have a tooth that is giving me problems. I would much rather do this than take an antibiotic.

  330.  #330April Rose on October 22, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    I feel afraid to trigger him to anger.

    It seems it will pour out anyway.

    I don’t want the healing flow to stop, just because he got off my horse.

    I hold and love myself in the face of this necessary healing. I remind myself that expressing anger shortens the distance.

    I feel so mortified to be shouted at. It doesn’t feel dignified in the least.

  331.  #331Tam on October 22, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    Hm. I have decided that I am not going quietly. I shall hide for a couple of days and then if I still feel like it tell him how I felt regarding that email.
    It would feel better to let it out and be done with it.
    He is clueless. I believe that he doesn’t do this to hurt me but it shows that he is not able to do authentic talk.
    I am not going there Wednesday. It was possibly the last opportunity to see face to face because after I send my response, it is unlikely that either of us will muster up the energy to meet.
    We have the same issues and just clash and hurt each other and ourselves. It isn’t going anywhere, and because neither of us if happy when the other says ‘just friends’ (so it seems), it is a neverending cycle. I want out.
    It’s going to be ok.
    I get back on my horse and enjoy my beautiful life.

  332.  #332Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    (((April Rose)))

    Ya, that post has been super helpful for me. Sounds like you knew what to do intuitively. That feels pretty awesome.

    I’ve been pondering this WM situation. I’m not really feeling so sure that he is in love with this other woman as much as he is trying to get to you.

    I know you are feeling rejected and at the same time, this feels like it could be a real gift as you are freed up to pursue what you really want.

  333.  #333April Rose on October 22, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    It’s counter-intuitive, I’m sure.

    Facing the onslaught of a man’s anger makes me think the relationship is in a terrible place and falling apart.

    He has years and years of supressed anger. So do I.
    I have expressed a lot of mine at him, in damaging ways. So much so that he says he felt totally undermined and I drove him to seek counselling

  334.  #334Tam on October 22, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    I need to continue to heal, what he does is not my problem, if he chooses to stay stuck that’s fine.
    But I need to heal.
    Thank you for the trigger.
    Thank you for not respecting my boundaries.
    I am standing firm on my boundaries and I welcome the trigger and use it as an opportunity to grow.
    I do not have to go to my old ways. I can do this. I can speak authentically and let go.
    I had let go already.
    I feel fine.
    I feel tired.
    I feel resolve to work on myself.
    I feel resolve to look after myself.

  335.  #335Tam on October 22, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    A man’s anger scares me. I choose to believe that he is not angry with me but himself.

  336.  #336Butterfly Wings on October 22, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    226 MissStix – Yup, it ‘s a classic case of psychological abuse, and I waited NINE years for my ex to stop treating me that way.

    I would never ever ever ever tolerate a man calling me (and especially my mother!!!) the C word. Really??? Even my abusive ex didn’t go that far!

    SG, please, for your own sake, do what is best for you! And I think you know what that is!


  337.  #337Butterfly Wings on October 22, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    236 LG – it IS abuse, but yes, it’s also a cry for help. But unfortunately many men in that situation never get the help they need. My ex is the perfect example. He now directs his abuse toward my daughter. That to me is NOT acceptable. EVER.

  338.  #338April Rose on October 22, 2012 at 5:05 pm


    Yes. Totally agree. He is angry at himself. And also at me for highlighting his weaknesses.

  339.  #339Dominique on October 22, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    Ladies All – Abuse is never okay, NEVER, not the physical kind, not the sexual kind, not the emotional kind, and not words.

    (This is one of the very few times I’m okay with using the word never, for I believe the words, always, never, and should need to be eliminated from you vocabulary.)

    There is just no excuse for it. I don’t care how upset or angry someone might be, abuse is not okay.

    I learned my lesson well around this. Please learn it for yourself too.


  340.  #340Butterfly Wings on October 22, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    276 SG – Clear and simple manipulation. Trying to make YOU look like the bad guy and to make you feel guilty.

    When I was in therapy at the end of my first marriage, she warned me that he would try something like that. And yep he did!

    I just want to hug you now and tell you to run from this man who is taking no responsibility whatsoever for his part.

    It doesn’t make him a “bad” man, but it most definitely makes him bad for you, because that’s now how you want or deserve to be treated right?

    A leopard only changes his spots if he WANTS to….


  341.  #341April Rose on October 22, 2012 at 5:11 pm


    I have taken your own words and chosen the ‘I feels’ and ‘don’t wants’.
    And I wonder if you have ever expressed anything as raw as this to him?

    “I just feel so sick of this.
    I don’t want to be part of this anymore.
    I don’t want to have to think about this anymore.
    I feel hurt by that email.
    I feel pain.

    I feel helpless and hopeless for anything ever to change. I actually feel defeated.”

    I wonder how healing it would be for you. To simply send that message in response. And leave it at that.
    Think of it as a generous and authentic last shot at letting him see you.

  342.  #342April Rose on October 22, 2012 at 5:13 pm


    I called him some bad words.
    Is that abuse?
    Should he have left me then?

  343.  #343Butterfly Wings on October 22, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    284 SG – You are NOT his daughter’s babysitter. So yes, as a parent, he should check things with you BEFORE he makes plans.

    I always felt kind of guilty leaving my youngest with TH, but he never minded. And of course I never just assumed he would do it…

  344.  #344Dominique on October 22, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    April Rose – Circumstance is everything. Without details, I cannot answer this. It’s possible yes, that your words may have been abusive. But then again, everyone has their breaking point. The point if when pushed to, will have you snap and have you say and even do things out of character.

    Isolated instances of spouting do not abuse make. It’s the pattern of repeated occasions, it’s the turning things around to make you feel wrong or bad which abuse makes.


  345.  #345Goddess Lily on October 22, 2012 at 5:21 pm


    Love it, so triggered by that and my ex but I love it!

  346.  #346Tam on October 22, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    Aw April Rose, I feel so touched that you wrote this out for me (aw, tears now).
    How lovely, thank you.
    I will surely incorporate this into my response. I have drafted a very vulnerable and open email to him. And I feel very generous for doing that, yes.
    It is not for me to elicit a response, it is for me to honour myself and my truth and to say that I am there if he wants to engage in a good-feeling way. And also that I feel like chucking it all away because like this, it is not working, not the friendship or whatever.
    I have also said that I feel confused about the ;just friends’ but that I stated it, as it feels the best way and the safest space for me, to explore because I am confused about my feelings.
    I will see if I still feel like sending it tomorrow. I don’t feel he is deserving of it. But again, I am deserving of speaking my truth.

  347.  #347April Rose on October 22, 2012 at 5:31 pm


    I have repeatedly made him wrong.
    I felt somehow threatened and so I lashed out to protect my own masculine ego. I was in a power battle.

    Since then I’ve been consciously withdrawing from the power struggle, and getting into feminine energy.
    He is expressing his anger like never before.

    He admits to holding things in in a ‘passive aggressive’ way until now.

  348.  #348Butterfly Wings on October 22, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    337 Dominique – I agree with you 100%, and my therapist told me that verbal abuse can actually be more harmful than physical abuse in a way, because it leaves the victim with no tangible reason to leave.

    SG, if he had physically hit you, would you still want to stick around?

    I personally would suggest he gets help for his anger issues, then turn and walk away until such time as he can prove he’s made some positive changes.

    YOU cannot fix this – he has to do it on his own.

    I just hope he doesn’t do this in front of his daughter… 🙁

  349.  #349Goddess Lily on October 22, 2012 at 5:32 pm


    I don’t know exactly what I want to know. I just know there is more out there to learn. Does that make sense?

    Like LG re 327, thank you for that. I will look into it……or just try it. :-). I feel so open to new things right now.

    I feel so sireny and beautiful right now, like flirting with imaginary, invisible future CDs in my kitchen….of course that could be the sake talking. I just had a wonderful dinner with one of my gfs. Perhaps I will use this positive vibe to answer emails on……ahem I mean study for my exam. 🙂

    (Also feeling powerful for not trying to contact my work ex with my sake courage. He has not earned this Rockstar!)

  350.  #350Tam on October 22, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    The thing that made me change my view is that he addressed me with my pet-name, twice. And he does not normally do this when angry and lashing out. The whole tone of the email is confusing me but the fact that he started it kind of tenderly…it made me feel like he is just as confused as me.
    Urgh. Mess.

  351.  #351April Rose on October 22, 2012 at 5:34 pm


    You sure are deserving of expressing your truth.
    And especially if you express it to someone you judge as undeserving of it, it will open places in you for healing that could be opened in no other way.

  352.  #352Tam on October 22, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    345, AR he admits to being passive aggressive. that is a real biggie. In my experience (I did a little work in the field), they RARELY if EVER admit that.
    Big insight.
    Is there hope?

  353.  #353Tam on October 22, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    349, yes AR…and I suddenly don’t feel angry anymore. It is magical. Even just drafting my truth has healed me lots right now.
    I feel exhausted and at peace.
    And like I couldn’t care less what happens.

  354.  #354Dominique on October 22, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    April Rose – 345 – So what can I help you with now? Do you want to keep this relationship? Are you willing to ride out his period of adjustment? Is he maybe not liking the change? Maybe preferring the old you, for maybe it’s familiar to him from his past, and deep down this is what he’s attracted to?

    You’re well aware of your old patterns and have actively worked to change this. What are you looking for now? Back to my first question; how can I help?


  355.  #355Butterfly Wings on October 22, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    Sorry about my triggerfest up there. But after recently rescuing my daughter from a verbally abusive father, it is just something I will NEVER tolerate in my life ever again, and I especially will not tolerate a grown man calling my beautiful 14 year old child abusive names. EVER.

    Yes, I get that my ex has his own issues, but he’s had over a decade to work them out, but he’s not done a single thing about it, hence why wife #3 is about to leave him for the exact same reasons why wife #1 and I left him.

    It’s a dealbreaker for me, and I swore over 12 years ago that I would never be with someone like that again. So far I’m doing good with that promise! lol

  356.  #356Dominique on October 22, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    Goddess Lily – Do you have any physical issues, hormonal imbalances, anything you would like to address?


  357.  #357Dominique on October 22, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    Herbs are/can be powerful substances. You don’t want to be trying them just to try them.


  358.  #358April Rose on October 22, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    Thank you Dominique,

    Your words always help.

    I guess I just don’t know what kind of relationship the turnaround will create. it’s still in progress.

    He has seemingly resisted my shift into feminine energy.
    Yet his anger has come up as a result and I judge this as healing.

    I suppose only time will tell. I am not about to return to a masculine role, for any man. I love my feminine nature too deeply.

    I am pretty sure he loves her too.

  359.  #359Tam on October 22, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    Tam’s word of the day: ‘triggerfest’. Thank you BW.

  360.  #360April Rose on October 22, 2012 at 5:48 pm


    I’m loving your magical, peaceful vibe.

    Rest well, siren.

  361.  #361April Rose on October 22, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    Rori says to take rest time after feeling your way through triggers.

  362.  #362Butterfly Wings on October 22, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    Anytime Tam! 😉

  363.  #363Tam on October 22, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    Thank you April Rose, you too 🙂
    You have helped me to get to the peaceful vibe tonight!

  364.  #364Tam on October 22, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    Resting feels good..going to bed now at 9pm..this feels good. I feel healing.

  365.  #365Goddess Lily on October 22, 2012 at 5:55 pm


    Well lets see. I have extreme stress at work and whenever I interact with my mother. I cant focus worth a darn anymore….unless I’m eating. My memory and general ability to retain information appears to be shot for anything useful. I have low energy most of the day. When I wake up in the morning, my first thought is how good it will feel to go back to sleep at night. And to top it off, I have pretty consistent, albeit minor most of the time, back pain.

  366.  #366Dominique on October 22, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    April Rose – Remember too that you don’t want to be in his head. What he is thinking and feeling is not for you to guess or even ponder. Your job is to continue on the path you have chosen, the one which feels right for you, the one which feels good to you. If he comes along for the ride, wonderful. If he doesn’t want to, also wonderful. If he can’t or won’t step up, someone else will. Someone who will love and cherish this blossoming goddess which is you.


  367.  #367Butterfly Wings on October 22, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    No email yet from NWG (dammit – he has been fun!) but FBD has been emailing me and poking me on FB, so I still have my distraction.

    I’m trying to come up with a way to get myself some cute male penpals that I can flirt with. Can you do that through the dating sites?

    I am really just looking for a distraction and nothing more for now… 🙂

  368.  #368Daria on October 22, 2012 at 6:03 pm

    im feeling sad, left out, bummed

    i feel abused through being ignored. shut out.

    it feels painful

    “this isn’t fair” is a thought i often have… i wonder whats under that?

    feeling powerless. feeling in pain. feeling loneliness. feeling hopelessness.

    i love my feelings

    it feels so challenging for me to be with these feelings.

    thank u for the trigger.

    i feel a desire to guilt trip.

    i feel shame.

    i feel freedom! whoa i feel surprised


    omgosh wow i feel relief

  369.  #369Dominique on October 22, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    Goddess Lily – Much if not all of your symptoms are likely stress related. Depression likely too though I prefer to say gray clouds. So the gentle remedies, yet powerful, to try are Rescue Remedy, safe for anyone to use and anytime.

    Chamomile and lavender are two more gentle remedies.

    Stronger potions might be valerian root though this one is strong and habit forming, so use with caution and sparingly.

    St. John’s Wort is wonderful for the gray clouds though it takes two weeks to kick in. Motherwort is a lovely yet subtle mood elevator as well which can be used all the time on a regular basis, effects noted immediately.

    Feeling tired is probably a symptom of your gray clouds.

    Meditation would be wonderful for you as would yoga.


  370.  #370Laughing Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    Simply Goddess: I feel curious if you feel abused?

  371.  #371Daria on October 22, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    “> > I was reading through the digest and some of the stricter replies
    > > reminded me of being a child in my mom’s mean spirited house

    This has been troubling me, but I’ve been struggling to articulate why – I’ve had a busy couple weeks, and the most sensible reply I’ve had in my head has been “Ouch”.

    I don’t believe any parent thinks of him or herself as “mean spirited” – the vast majority of parents believe they’re doing what they do as parents for the good of their children, that it’s actually necessary to be hard (or strict) for their kids’ benefit. That’s what makes whole life unschooling such a leap – that’s why it was such a leap for me, years ago, because I’d been immersed for years in all the old parenting “wisdom” that “no means I love you” and “I have to do this to teach my kids…”

    I started out as a very strict step-mom for Ray, honestly believing it was in his best interests – and I still believe it was better than the chaos he experienced before. Strict was a step up for him, because it gave him safety and predictability. Over time, I modified what I was doing based on what was and wasn’t working – and Ray was an intense kid so it wasn’t hard to tell one from the other 😉 I knew nothing good about unschooling – the unschoolers I met either had very easy children or the families were disaster areas – so I blundered along by trial and error for a few years.

    I could see rules failing – the more “consistent” I got the less they made real sense, and so the less truly consistent the rules became. That was a giant Aha! moment for me – that the meanings were more important than the rules. I could see teaching failing; no matter how hard I worked to make homeschool fun and exciting and targeted exactly to Ray’s interests, he was bored and uninspired. I could see discipline failing. And at the same time, what was working was saying yes, looking for options, offering support, being proactive, being more thoughtful, more mindful, kinder. Being Ray’s stepmom shook up my worldview.

    But while I can look back and see that it was never necessary to be hard and yes, even sometimes cruel “for his own good” I never felt mean doing those things. I really thought I had to do them. I was wrong, but I wasn’t mean for the sake of being mean. I was mean because I thought it would teach him something valuable.

    A lot of times – maybe most of the time – parents come to unschooling with hurts from their own childhood, resentment and anger and other things aimed at their own parents. Sometimes adults need to vilify their parents for awhile to get past some of that hurt, but it’s better when that’s just a stage you go through than it is to dwell there. It’s better because that kind of thinking – that some people are mean or bad or cruel as an aspect of their spirit – is dehumanizing in the same way “kids need discipline” is dehumanizing.


  372.  #372Daria on October 22, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    thank you Daria for asking my dad to get my other phone hooked up

    thank you for asking to get snacks

    thank you for feeding me yummy stuff

  373.  #373Butterfly Wings on October 22, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    Hmmm trying to set up a POF profile and feeling VERY triggered.

    What if someone I know sees me on there???? 😮

  374.  #374Annie on October 22, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    296: Mercedes says:And Butterfly wings re therapist.

    “he had a secret romantic getaway booked for that complicated relationship of his.” – No he didn’t. He used too many words to try to get you to believe he wasn’t lying. 🙂 He’s being manipulative. He’s not interested in a romantic relationship. He’s interested in using you and making sure you do what he says when he says it.

    Be DONE!”

    I feel intrigued curious. In the past I have not been able to know when I am being manipulated. And have been very naive wanting to believe peoples words and ending up being the one apologizing believing that was the bad one. Wanted to know more on how you knew this was manipulation. I feel concerned that I didn’t see it as that and wanted to believe what he had written. Although him calling Simply Goddess a Biaaaatch and her Mother a cunnnnntt etc made me feel scared. And the other stuff about him complaining about ex’s like he is reliving the story and makes my intinct is he subconsciously hates women.

    What do you think?

  375.  #375Annie on October 22, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    364: Dominique says:

    “April Rose – Remember too that you don’t want to be in his head. What he is thinking and feeling is not for you to guess or even ponder. Your job is to continue on the path you have chosen, the one which feels right for you, the one which feels good to you. If he comes along for the ride, wonderful. If he doesn’t want to, also wonderful. If he can’t or won’t step up, someone else will. Someone who will love and cherish this blossoming goddess which is you.


    I love these beautiful words.

  376.  #376Butterfly Wings on October 22, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    Annie, I didn’t realise I was being manipulated either. But when I told my therapist what was happening, it was clear as day for her. I now see how my ex is doing this with my daughter.

    SHE is feeling guilty for not wanting to live with him anymore. I said to her “How guilty do you think he feels when he’s calling you names and yelling at you?”.

    She got it then. I just hate that I could not protect her from his abuse, but am feeling grateful now that she no longer has to live in that environment. He’s done more than enough to warrant custody to be granted to me, even if he tries to fight it – verbal abuse of children is now taken very seriously here.

  377.  #377Annie on October 22, 2012 at 6:30 pm

    Ty Butterfly Wings.

  378.  #378Lucy on October 22, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    Wow Daria, thanks for that article! I have actually been wondering… At first as I read it I was thinking No, that’s not correct, not quite right… but then when I got to the third waters I was like That’s It! The third one describes exactly what I have been experiencing. It’s incredible. It makes my brain feel unbelievably amazing. Lol. thanks – now I know what’s going on. 🙂

  379.  #379Butterfly Wings on October 22, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    Holy sh*t. Just set up a POF profile with NO pics, and OMG I’m being inundated with messages! WTF????

  380.  #380MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 6:54 pm


    I feel curious, how many years passed before he turned his anger towards your daughter?

    ((((her)))) And how is she feeling through all of this?

  381.  #381MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 6:54 pm


    Fresh meat 😉

  382.  #382Femininewoman on October 22, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    That’s the way it is BW.

  383.  #383Heart on October 22, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    Hi Sirens -Dated myself yesterday…I went to a gym, spa & hate a facial. I feel a little sad and a little excited today.

    Hope all of you are doing ok. I feel soft….♥

  384.  #384Daria on October 22, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    Lucy – haha wow thats GREAT! i feel big smily!

  385.  #385Butterfly Wings on October 22, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    380 MissStix – I left him 12 years ago and it’s only been the last couple of years that it’s been particularly bad. But it’s escalated over the last few months.

    Before that it was directed at his wife, and my daughter would call me to come and get her away from it. It was quite traumatic for her to witness it.

  386.  #386Daria on October 22, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    i’m feeling so great ladies i was feeling kinda spilled marbles in my head and getting ready for a nap, and before that i decided to return a man’s call from his vm yesterday

    and wow it felt so great to talk to him he was so intelligent and “conscious” about energy and people (i didn’t mention Anything about that) and listening to him talk felt Awesome and soothing and now i feel smoothed like thick butter on bread mmmmmmm

    i dont even need a nap anymore thak you wonderful man

  387.  #387LoveAlways on October 22, 2012 at 7:13 pm

    Good evening sirens:

    I feel calmer tonight. HScd has been calling me. Speaking in feeling messages, feeling a multitude of things as he apologized, explained, soothed and declared. I just leaned back because I have no control over him or his life. I control me alone. I feel safe now speaking to him. I feel ashamed for loving him still, but realize I need to embrace this and feel through it. Starting to cd slowly too. No more dating sites for me. That doesn’t feel good to me anymore. I’m letting the universe bring cds to me, old ones and new ones, and I’m experiencing them moment by moment with no expectations. I feel to hurt to have any expectations of HScd. He is in a bad place, but that’s his own journey, and I have mine. Slowly getting back into myself, baby step by baby step.

    Want to thank all of you for being there for me these past few days. I was really really really deep in my pits and it was unbearable except for all the hugs and support you ladies gave me.

    (((((((((LOVING HUG)))))))))))))


  388.  #388MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 7:17 pm



  389.  #389LoveAlways on October 22, 2012 at 7:17 pm


    Your date with your self sounds inspiring. I feel anxious about scheduling one while I’m feeling so emotional, but it could be just what I need to develop a different perspective. It would force me to stop crying all the time (I only cried once today – yea me!). Thank you for sharing that.

  390.  #390LoveAlways on October 22, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    Thank you Miss Stix – I’m healing and it feels good

  391.  #391LoveAlways on October 22, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    I feel ansy – I feel worried about not having someone to have s3x with anymore. I need to heal this because I feel vulnerable. I feel raw in my heart and the thought of kisses on my neck burns anxiety and jumpiness into my mind. I feel scared and out of control being so nervous. I feel perplexed that I can’t disconnect my emotions from my vjj

  392.  #392LiliBee on October 22, 2012 at 7:23 pm


    You are so not alone.
    I’m just climbing out of my own deep funk just now.

    I feel so glad to see you feeling better 🙂

  393.  #393MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 7:23 pm


    Thank you…I see that and think of how important it is to really see how a person responds to stress, how a person copes and treats others. To have eyes wide open to see this early on. Humans can go decades or a lifetime and never become aware, or empathetic or enact any change. And we can’t force change. To hope for change can be a long and unfulfilling path. Love to your daughter.

  394.  #394Butterfly Wings on October 22, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    Thank you MissStix

  395.  #395LoveAlways on October 22, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    I love my anxiety and I’m taking it with me, embracing it, singing a lullaby to this feeling. I’m singing good morning heart ache and the melody is swaying me like a vibe rolling through a dim jazz club. Yeah, embrace the blues and knead this anxiety back into chest where it warms me. Breathing. Jill Scott crooning, rocking, sweet melody baby girl, yeah, just relax into the moment and feel that energy embrace it
    Goodmorning heartache
    You old gloomy sight
    Goodmorning heatache
    Thought we said goodbye last night
    I turned and tossed ’til it seemed you had gone
    But here you are with the dawn
    Wish I’d forget you, but you’re here to stay
    It seems I met you when my love went away
    Now everyday I start by saying to you
    Goodmorning heartache, what’s new?
    Stop haunting me now
    Can’t shake you nohow
    Just leave me alone
    I’ve got those Monday blues
    Stright through Sunday blues
    Goodmorning heartache
    Here we go again
    Goodmorning heartache
    You’re the one who knew me when
    Might as well get used to you hanging around
    Goodmorning heartache
    Sit down
    Stop haunting me now
    Can’t shake you nohow
    Just leave me alone
    I’ve got those Monday blues
    Stright through Sunday blues
    Goodmorning heartache
    Here we go again
    Goodmorning heartache
    You’re the one who knew me when
    Might as well get used to you hanging around
    Goodmorning heartache
    Sit down

  396.  #396Butterfly Wings on October 22, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    Check this out from POF:

    Him: “Hello,

    I like your profile. I am a married professional guy looking for a nice friend for chatting, coffee meetings and discreet daytime intimate encounters. Still in good shape for my age. Wondering if you’re interested. If you are I would love to exchange some information. Looking forward to hearing from you.”

    Uh, ok, so if I’m feeling frisky, I have an option here! NOT!

    Me: “No thank you. I don’t feel good sharing…”

    Him: “OK, thank you for replying. If you change your mind, or would like to discuss possibilities, my email address is…”

    Sad really, because I doubt his wife knows about it….

  397.  #397Butterfly Wings on October 22, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    Another dude asked if I wanted to see his peni$. I blocked him. lol 😀

  398.  #398MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    lolol BW


    The joys of online dating.

    Flipping great practice though! I LOVE that you responded to the first guy “Don’t feel good sharing”. Excellent.

  399.  #399Butterfly Wings on October 22, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    Yup it’s all practise – and a great distraction from TH! I’ve hardly thought of him all day! 😉

  400.  #400LoveAlways on October 22, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    ((((Lilibee))))) Thank you honey, I’m seriously going through this. Your words feel encouraging, a tiny visual of light at the end of the endless emotional tunnel. I feel like I can breathe a little better just thinking of it.

  401.  #401MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 8:10 pm


    There is a beauty about you right now. I feel sad with you, but inspired. I visualize you dancing, swaying slowly with your hand on your heart and tears glistening on your face.

  402.  #402MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    It felt so cleansing to write that… I want to stay with this. I want to write like that. I don’t feel I have done so in a while…

  403.  #403Calypso on October 22, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    I went to JC’s house tonight and made him a wonderful dinner, but . . .

    I had a work issue that I had to deal with, so I was on the phone the first half of the evening, while I was cooking and then as soon as we finished eating, one of my sons called and his car would not start – he was stranded. JC heard me telling him to ask people in the parking lot if they had jumper cables, but he did not offer me his. I finally had to leave and he sort of pouted, cuz I’m going to be out of town for the next couple of days, but my son was stranded and I had to fo help him. JC did not even get up off the couch to see me out when I left – Grrrr…. That triggers me so bad!

    I know I am being extra critical because GM made contact today and in my eyes, GM is the perfect man (except for the whole not wanting a relationship with me thing), but he would have moved heaven and earth to help my son and he for sure would have walked me to the door . . . ugh – I knew this would happen. I need to stop comparing them. I need to pack for my trip. I neeed to sleep. I need to absolutely not make any additional contact with GM . . . destructive . . . man crack . . .

  404.  #404Femininewoman on October 22, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    Calypso you were over his house cooking for him. Can you appreciate that this does not build romance? He is being lazy because there is no need for him to convince you about anything. Tonite was a lazy, easy night for him.

  405.  #405Calypso on October 22, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    FW – Yes, I can see that. I wanted to do something nice for him because he has taken me out of town twice anbd paid for everything and I want to do something nice for him. He works very hard and as I am typing this, I know the issue – He has a lot of money and I don’t. . . I feel unworthy in some ways and I wanted to prove my worth by being domestic for him, which I know he likes.

    Is that wrong? Should I just take and not give? That does not feel good. . .

  406.  #406MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    I like to “give back”.

    I want to start looking into how to “negotiate”. I think i’m there. I tried it a little a couple weeks ago when he wanted a ride (“i’ll pick you up from work if you’ll buy me an iced capp;)” )and it felt fun but i’m new at it. :p

  407.  #407Butterfly Wings on October 22, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    Calypso, I never cook for TH if I’m at his house – he always cooks for me.

    But if he’s at mine and I’m cooking anyway, then I see that as me “giving back”, because he often cooks for me at my house too. 🙂

  408.  #408Heart on October 22, 2012 at 8:46 pm

    #389 Love Always – aww I feel compassionate towardyou. (((Love always))) . Thank you for thanking me…hehe ^。^. I feel valued.
    Crying is cleansing.

  409.  #409LoveAlways on October 22, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    Miss Stix

    That felt so real and beautiful, and you got the picture right!!!

  410.  #410Calypso on October 22, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    JC feeds me all the time. Last night I cooked a huge pot of Italian Chili at my house, so today i took some of it to his house to heat up and made a salad – quick and easy.

    It felt good to cook for him – he obviously enjoyed it and i had fun doing it – I just wish he would have at least walked me to the door – not offering to help me help my son was not great, but i get it. Not walking me to the door was just lazy and thoughtless.

    I’m being critical because GM got in my head, just like he planned. Puppy pictures – that;s a low blow – lol. Distructive man crack . . . he makes me want to fight, kick, hit, pull hair (not his cuz he shaves his head- lol) . . . oK – I need to sleep this off – Chicago bound in the morning!

  411.  #411Butterfly Wings on October 22, 2012 at 9:03 pm

    (((Calypso))) the break away from him will probably do you good. xxx

  412.  #412LoveAlways on October 22, 2012 at 9:03 pm


    Yes my love, you are much valued ((((HUG)))))
    And it is cleansing . . . i should feel squeaky clean by now, but I have no control over my tears so I just let them roll.

  413.  #413LoveAlways on October 22, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    Thank you sirens

    I feel safe in this space tonight
    and that feels so much better than how I feel alone with the computer off


  414.  #414Janie Baby on October 22, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    April Rose,
    I just responded to you on the other thread,
    thanks so much!! <3

  415.  #415Turquoise on October 22, 2012 at 10:19 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    Awww, lots of crappy stuff happening for sirens. I feel like plucking the negative energy out of the air and spreading some honeysuckle scented breezes…. ((((sirens)))))

    Things are going pretty great for me and Mr. C. right now. Normally we mostly text and talk in person, but he called me last week and we had a really nice chat. A little bit afterwards, I texted him to say how much I like it when he calls, always feels good to hear his voice. He replied Thank you 🙂 He’s been calling almost daily now… even days when I’ll see him. 🙂 I didn’t see him at all last week and felt perfectly fine with it. (Sunday-Thurs.) I was busy, and heard from him everyday, but had a lot going on. Friday he contacted me to make plans to go to the game, which we do together every Friday, he wanted us to go together, which last week he also wanted but I just met him there. 🙂 Afterwards he wanted us to come over, even though his kids were with their mom. Mine are so comfortable there, they were happy watching TV and playing while he and I watched a movie. He pulled me towards him and we cuddled on the couch. THings got a little romantic, everything feels…… smooth. 🙂 We talked about doing something the next night, but he had to work during the day… so I didn’t get too excited, he’s never cancelled on me… but still, felt very open about it. If I saw him great, if not… I’d make other fun plans. He texted me early the next morning and we started to make more specific plans, with him saying no matter what, let’s definitely be together. We ended up going for drinks and a snack before the movie and he posted a comment on FB, linking me… that we were together. It was an official date, we talked about that, in a light hearted joking way. He’s really worried that there always has to be a next step and that feels like pressure to him…. but we talked about the fact that we aren’t just friends, enjoy being together, going to see how things go and be open to possibilities. He was so complimentary, opened doors, held my hand during the movie… was very very nice. He even made a big deal at the concession stand about buying me a Twilight cup, because I wanted it. I could care less about the cup, was just fun he wanted to joke around about it and made it special. Last night he came over to watch the game and we had one of our several hour conversations. When he talked about his dreams, which would involve moving away, he said he wouldn’t want to leave me behind, he’d want to bring me with him. Not necessarily in a marriage kind of way, but that he wants me to always be in his life. (I’m assuming based on other conversations on how he feels about life and relationships, etc.) To him, relationships are life long, not wondering where we’ll be in 6 months.

    So it’s interesting, because of all he’s been through, he’s in no hurry for a big commitment, but he is a very commitment minded person. He’s already told me that dating other people is a waste of time, for both of us… wants to be the person I count on, wants to make me happy… but makes no demands. He says if dating other people would make me happy, then he wants me to be happy… I really don’t want to. I know, monogomy isn’t highly favorable here, especially without a big commitment. And I don’t want to be in a relationship where you are so wrapped up in one person you have no time for anyone or anything else, but I don’t want to be romantically involved with more than one man. I can’t wrap my head around how that is justified here that it’s ok for the woman, but the man should be faithful. I do feel that interferes with the intimate connection growing. We’ve been seeing each other for over 4 months now. Most of it has been just flirting and friendship, but we’ve had romantic moments, much more lately, which I feel he’s more over his divorce and open to us, where before he said he didn’t want to rebound or use me. I’m glad! It feels really good to have in my life, but I’m also very aware of not getting too attached or wrapped up in any expectations. He’s really stepping up and I see that. I didn’t push, plead, ask, lean forward (much)… I just didn’t walk away. It would be sad if we did, like any break up, even though we aren’t labeled as an exclusive couple….. as he said, Friday night, we are like a couple, we couple up, we are out together like a couple, he just doesn’t like labels. As I’ve said before, everything has to be his idea, and I wouldn’t even want to be the one asking for that… if it gets to the point where he wants an official commitment, he’ll tell me. In the meantime, I’m going to continue enjoying my life. Everything is going really well and I feel balanced. It’s hard not to think about him when we aren’t together, but I have so much else on my mind that is for me… I feel awesome about all of it!

    Tomorrow night I’m seeing my best friend, making plans with another to see soon, C will be in this weekend so I’ll have some free time and I’m going car shopping with my sister. Another close friends’ mom is in the hospital, so I want to see her soon as well.

    I’m not deleting my dating sites, not actively searching on there, but do realize that someone else could show up in my life. So, we’ll see what happens. Its not so much about even being on there, it’s about how it feels to NOT be deleting them without him bringing it up and us discussing it.

    I’m very excited to be working on some small personal goals… to lose 10 pounds, submit some short stories for a book, clear out my closet, read SEVERAL books, work on promoting my small business, and planning for the holidays. Life feels really good right now.

    I do feel scared sometimes, that he’ll disappear. That as soon as I really let my guard down and be completely open, he’ll walk away. It’s hard facing my fears and triggers. But it feels really freeing at the same time.

    I do love me. 🙂

  416.  #416Heart on October 22, 2012 at 10:31 pm

    #132 – Iama – 😛

    sometimes I feel like starting with : Hello Sirens, what did facebook do to to you today?

  417.  #417Turquoise on October 22, 2012 at 10:40 pm

    Oh…. And something interested happened Friday night. Out of no where, Mr. C says, so you are totally over C. And I said yes. He wanted to know why, and I said…. I figured out what I really want and know that he can’t give it to me. I then said, and even though we aren’t a couple, it’s really reminded me of the qualities I want in a relationship. That’s when he said, well… We are kind of a couple. We couple up, do a lot together.
    I’m not trying to read his mind, but him bringing that up felt significant to me.

    What I really love though. I don’t feel alone anymore. Whether he’s the love of my life, will be a friend, romance and back to friendship, temporarily in my life, it feels do good to not feel alone in the world. There are some minor issues going on with my oldest. She’s 12, trying to find her identity, dealing with some self confidence issues, and he always refers to it, as we will figure this out, I’ll help, I’m here…. Praises her, relates to her, builds her up. He feels bad their dad isn’t here and wants to help me. Not sure how it is for other single moms, but this is a first for me. He’s great with both my girls, but really tries hard with my oldest. I feel my heart in my throat at times. Grateful and thankful.

  418.  #418Janie Baby on October 22, 2012 at 10:54 pm

    I feel so confused. My boyfriend just had a convo on the phone with me about how he feels like he does all the work always calling me and planning things, and I just sit back and when I’m upset, I go on about it, bu then never calls me. He said he wants a girlfriend that will call him once in a awhile… I’m really confused??

  419.  #419Heart on October 22, 2012 at 11:04 pm

    #418 – Janie – ooooh. Maybe you should call him sometimes? Sounds like he feels unloved.

  420.  #420Janie Baby on October 22, 2012 at 11:15 pm

    Heart, but aren’t I supposed to be leaning back? lol, I’m sooo confused.

  421.  #421Emerson on October 22, 2012 at 11:22 pm

    Miss stix I’m kind of jumping in here, but negotiating is masculine energy.

    Calypso about your man having money I know what you mean about feeling weird about it, I’ve been in that situation too and tried to do my part. But now I know that is bs. Doing my part is simply to “be” me and be my feminine self and share that with him.

  422.  #422Heart on October 22, 2012 at 11:22 pm

    Janie – I feel bad to admit I haven’t been following your situation too closely. I believe its ok to call sometimes if your in a relationship.

  423.  #423Janie Baby on October 22, 2012 at 11:27 pm

    It’s okay. Alright!! Yeah, I use dto not think about this stuff and call him, it was pretty balanced, but the past few months he started getting more distant, and he’s not as affectionate as he used to be. He said he doesn’t love me less but he’s alot busier with his work, so I figured I’d lean back and stop calling him, but now he’s complaining that I don’t him enough, but I thought that was the female’s job to not call .. Hm. But I guess maybe I’ll call him if I feel like it.

  424.  #424Simply Goddess on October 22, 2012 at 11:35 pm

    Yes I guess I do feel it is abuse, Ive said it many times before when I couldnt find any other words to describe the emotional rollercoaster of a situation.. However I should be strong enough to walk away and not accept it. Since I’ve met him I have lost so much weight because Im always stressed and upset then he’ll be great and I’ll feel on top of the world. Its tiring.

    He definitely hates women.. He admits it..

    I definitely feel stronger. I feel its the first time I honestly am considering myself a road on my own for now. First time.

  425.  #425MissStix on October 22, 2012 at 11:47 pm


    I admit I haven’t fully taken it in yet but rori talks about negotiation in relationships. If he is asking me to scratch his back and I want to do it without over-functioning I can negotiate something in return. I guess? Don’t quote me on that yet I only skimmed a bit of it in one article.

  426.  #426Heart on October 23, 2012 at 12:04 am

    Janie – sounds like he just needs his space but also needs you to be open. I would encourage you to tell him how you feel….maybe say:

    I feel confused. I want to give you your space but I also want ylu to know I appreciate you. What do you want me to do?

  427.  #427Janie Baby on October 23, 2012 at 12:06 am

    I like that Heart. Yeah Miss Stix, that’s what I’m confused about : the negotiations. He’s saying “oh i want a girlfriend who also calls me up once in a while.” But I feel like it could be a trap gettingme to overfunction again. I want to find the balance. I will use Hear’ts FM if the convo comes up again.

  428.  #428Butterfly Wings on October 23, 2012 at 12:31 am

    426 Heart – I like what you wrote there. xx

  429.  #429Butterfly Wings on October 23, 2012 at 12:34 am

    I’ve decided to turn away from TH. From now till he gets back at least, I’m going to assume he does not exist (which I should have been doing anyway, I know), and I’m moving forward with my life.

    He’s been gone over a week now, and he’s posted comments directed at friends, but didn’t think to ask me how I’m going, or how my poor dog is. Nope. Nothing.

    And no, he’s done nothing wrong, but I want a guy who does care enough about me to check how I am, and who genuinely misses me when he’s away.

    I’m done with him, and will get a speech ready before he gets back.

    I feel so sad, but how can I be happy with someone who doesn’t truly love me or can’t even show me if he does? Ick… 🙁

  430.  #430Heart on October 23, 2012 at 1:11 am

    Thanks Butterfly & Janie 🙂

  431.  #431Tam on October 23, 2012 at 2:45 am

    I had 5 hours sleep and feel fabulous….probably till midday when I up at 4am…ha!!
    I like my crazy me.

  432.  #432Tam on October 23, 2012 at 2:46 am

    this morning this popped into my head:
    ‘one man’s trash is another man’s treasure’

    I know what I’d rather be.

  433.  #433Butterfly Wings on October 23, 2012 at 2:51 am

    432 Tam – Yeah I like that! And I know what I’d rather be too. 🙂

  434.  #434Heart on October 23, 2012 at 4:19 am

    Tam – I feel a little surprised to read you wrote Mr.P offering to help him with selling his stuff. Only a little while ago, you were advising me to not lean forward if I was invested. I thought it was such good advice.
    I feel upset to witness this vicious cycle but I am hoping it is all part of the process.
    I say this with affection.

  435.  #435Tam on October 23, 2012 at 4:31 am

    Heart..actually, I had a bit of a revelation before I offered. Which was that last time I saw him, I became kind of aware that I didn’t want him. And when I was unhappy in Europe, I had a little fabrication in my brain that this had somewhat changed (the ‘when are you back’, the lovesong).
    The reason why I offered was, in fact, to try and see him and get it all back onto reality, rather than keep manufacturing things in my brain.
    I suddenly remembered that I was actually turned off when we spent time together and thought ‘urgh, I don’t see any other than ‘friends’ potential with this man’.
    I also read in my diary…and it confirmed this.
    That’s why I felt like seeing him would re-establish that.
    I am also turned off anyway, and especially since I get taken out by my other CD’s and was offered a trip to Jamaica.
    I see nothing more than friendship there anymore.
    And as soon as I spelled that out to him, he rebels. WTF. That’s what got my goat, actually, and the tone of the email.
    There is no need for this. Hence I decided to tell him how I feel and have him out of my life altogether, if he doesn’t know how to behave like a normal person anymore. No friends and no nothing and certainly no helping him with his tat. Honestly, a man who says he won’t pick me up and buy me a drink (as a friend!! like he used to) and still thinks I would life a finger to help him – is pretty much deluded.
    Don’t worry, Heart.

  436.  #436Tam on October 23, 2012 at 4:34 am

    doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results: insanity.
    So no.

    BUT: speaking authentically, getting it off my chest and riding on – better than bottling up and hating.

  437.  #437April Rose on October 23, 2012 at 4:37 am

    I feel vulnerable.

  438.  #438Simply Goddess on October 23, 2012 at 4:38 am

    He’s added ‘Rude in Xxxxx’ as a friend on Facebook.. It’s a strip club in town.. Argh.. Also says it’s time for ‘thinks its time for him to have a little adventure’

    I feel I have a heavy heart now. It comes and goes.. 🙁

  439.  #439April Rose on October 23, 2012 at 4:40 am

    Is that a feeling? Vulnerable? Or a judgement?
    Hmm. How am I actually feeling?

    I feel soft, quiet. I feel like a mischievous old woman peeking out of her cave at a vast landscape of plains and sky. I feel dry bones, but not brittle.

    It would feel good to feel lubricated and supple.

    Hmm, I wonder what I can do to bring this feeling…

  440.  #440Tam on October 23, 2012 at 4:48 am

    I feel fed up dragging this out anyway.
    I have moved on before and this time it’s really time to get everything off my chest. This will make him run sooner than if I stayed quiet, and it will also make me feel better to cough it all up.
    It’s a win-win.
    I feel uneasy with being chased down again when I stay quiet. I want to lay down the law now. The law is: I don’t need people in my life that make me feel bad.
    Not as friends either.
    So you don’t make me feel good: you are the weakest link, goodbye!

  441.  #441Turquoise on October 23, 2012 at 4:49 am

    Janie baby, I’ve found that when my tone is really warm and receptive, they have no problem calling first because they want to make you happy again. When it feels like keeping score, that feels exhausting and like something else is missing. I like Hearts feeling message to use. Sounds perfect!

  442.  #442Tam on October 23, 2012 at 4:52 am

    Oh ladies, I have a great anecdote for sticking to your boundaries.
    Ex bf was in touch. Remember the cat that used to sleep in my face and he said ‘you’ll get used to it!’.
    Well, I didn’t and decided to spend my time sleeping at my place rather than telling him my boundaries.
    This did not just happen once by the way, I never had a good nights sleep at his place.
    He didn’t care, the cat was there first and I never spoke up. It was also the ex wives cat.
    Now he told me that he asked the ex wife to take the cat back as he is dating someone new….
    There you go.
    Made me feel so much more resolved to sticking to my boundaries now. For another woman he did it, for me – the doormat – I had to ‘get used to it’.
    Never again in a million years will I not speak my mind.
    So if you ever had any doubt that not having boundaries lowers your value: doubts now erased!!!!

  443.  #443Turquoise on October 23, 2012 at 4:53 am

    ((((((Butterfly wings)))))) if TH is going to keep taking these trips, I definitely feel I’d have a speech for him. This is the hard part about casual. Too much grey area. I like all in or all out. To know exactly where I stand. Unfortunately that feels like a lot of pressure. But you’ve been dating him for years right? This isn’t casual feeling to you. I’m not going to say you deserve better, because he sounds like a good man, but you deserve to have more of what you want.

  444.  #444Tam on October 23, 2012 at 4:53 am

    Goes to show, even good men treat you like crap if you let them get away with it.

  445.  #445April Rose on October 23, 2012 at 4:54 am

    Tam, Sweetie,

    I hear you ‘talking yourself up’ again. Just be aware that this is your (masculine) mind.

    Remember the deeply feminine feeling state you were in last night? Please allow her. She feels magical and true.

  446.  #446Tam on October 23, 2012 at 4:56 am

    445…hmmm…maybe you are right.

  447.  #447Tam on October 23, 2012 at 4:58 am

    Feeling pretty upbeat and energetical this morning, perhaps that’s what it is? If that is masculine, does it matter? Feels quite good and positive.

  448.  #448Turquoise on October 23, 2012 at 4:58 am

    Tam, I love that! Thank you for sharing. Wow, and my goodness…. Why do we accept those crumbs rather than speak up? I wouldn’t have asked him to get rid of it either. Would feel demanding, but look…. He willingly is doing it for someone else. Wow.

  449.  #449April Rose on October 23, 2012 at 4:59 am

    It takes time and babysteps and building gentle confidence in my feminine nature, to communicate boundaries.

    I feel a whole magical world opening up around them.

  450.  #450Tam on October 23, 2012 at 5:01 am

    448, yes Turqoise. He didn’t even need to get rid of it, but he was not even prepared to move it to another room. Another woman and boom – gone is the cat altogether…back at the ex wife’s, where it belonged in the first place.
    Ha ha ha. Oh I have learnt a lot, believe me.

  451.  #451Tam on October 23, 2012 at 5:04 am

    I am also feeling very resolved to insist on boundaries with friends and not just in my romantic life. Otherwise this whole MrNap taking naps in my bed would never have happened.
    It is going to be difficult, but I feel fed up with being a doormat and bottling up my feelings.
    It is going to be a tabula rasa in my life now. This needs to be healed. Healthy people have healthy boundaries, and that feels good. I see other people assert their boundaries all the time, no problem.
    I want to be like that.
    And those that run from me, well I will wave and say ‘bye bye’. I can see my life getting a lot less stressful by having better boundaries. It will be more stressful initially, but would feel sooooo good.
    I love boundaries.
    No more walls…lots of boundaries.

  452.  #452April Rose on October 23, 2012 at 5:12 am

    I feel clumsy in the realm of boundaries.

    I don’t want them to come across as commands.

    People still have their entitlement to do the things I don’t want.

    I have said “I don’t want to be shouted at” meaning it as “don’t shout at me”. The tone of my voice was hard, like the shouter’s voice.

    I have to learn to state the boundary and drop the control.

    It helps if I say it gently, to myself. “I don’t want to be shouted at”. I’m practising saying it out loud in the way that feels most authentic and vulnerable.

  453.  #453April Rose on October 23, 2012 at 5:16 am


    Your energy and upbeat vibe feels great. Not masculine at all.

    I just worried when I read that you want to lay down the law.
    Sounds so opposite to sharing your feelings.

  454.  #454Tam on October 23, 2012 at 5:24 am

    April Rose..hmm, I meant really ‘lay down my law’ as in my boundaries:
    ‘do not want so and so’
    ‘does not feel good…’
    That is what it’s all about. Not lay down the law with regards to what I want others to do.
    Like you said, having boundaries not with the view to control but the view to feel good about myself and what I accept.
    I need to get it out of me. And when years ago, I would have expected an outcome to saying ‘it would feel good to be picked up’ or ‘I don’t want to take taxis to meet men’, now I am actually just reinstating what I want. And even if he would make a total turnaround and say: ‘I’ll come and pick you up’. I would no longer be available, firstly because after that email I would not feel good to see him right now, and secondly I have already made tentative other plans.
    I couldn’t care less about the response.
    It would feel good to practice my boundaries so I can do it with other men also.

  455.  #455Heart on October 23, 2012 at 5:32 am

    Simple Goddess -lol….the man is just trying to provoke you. It is so obvious…who likes a strip club and talks about an advwbture…I would try the April Rose Tool and pretend yoyr a goddess in the sky laughing at his peon attempts to make yoy jealous 😀 .

    Tam – I feel relieved to read that…I would encourage you to follow through with the plan and see him. I believe it will ground you as described.

  456.  #456Heart on October 23, 2012 at 5:40 am

    Tam – I find it surprising that your ex would mention that he gave away the cat because he was dating someone new but wouldn’t give it away for you.
    Ouch….how catty of him ( pun intended) …:D….poor guy. Must be miserable on the inside.

  457.  #457Butterfly Wings on October 23, 2012 at 5:50 am

    You’re right Turq. I know I want and am worthy of more…

    So I totally rockstarred it and messaged NWG today, asking if he wanted to come for a drink at the pub tomorrow night.

    He later replied, very keen, and next we’re flirting like crazy and he’s saying he’s having “sexy thoughts”. I love it!

    I’m totally doing the “Nooooo it’s not gonna happen” thing (no, nothing can happen with this guy, but I’m enjoying this!). He then called me “sexy legs” before signing off.

    Looks like a short skirt is in order tomorrow… 😉

    TH who????

  458.  #458Tam on October 23, 2012 at 6:01 am

    456..Heart, the ex didn’t word it quite like that – but I could see this is what he was getting at.
    Too funny. I just feel amused now.

    Well, Heart, yes, I would like to see him but the point is that in order to see him I would have to demolish my boundary of being picked up – and having to take a taxi to see him would feel to frivolous when I am trying to really save.
    So it might never happen, which is a shame…I feel sure after my email stating my boundaries and don’t wants, we won’t meet at all.
    But I can’t have it both ways.
    I either am authentic and keep my boundaries or I decide to run after him to see him and pull a sting out of my backside, as I am 100% sure that he would totally turn me off, especially at a bar checking out other women – that would remind me very quickly as to why I didn’t want him anymore in the first place.

  459.  #459Tam on October 23, 2012 at 6:02 am

    Heart my ex also mentioned that his new girlfriend reminded him of me…eewwwww.

  460.  #460April Rose on October 23, 2012 at 6:04 am

    Dear Sirens,

    Something to me feels ‘off’ in some posts.

    I think it is when we are speculating about a man’s motives.

    It would feel so freeing to see that dropped.

    I don’t want a woman to be spun out by wondering what a man is thinking.

  461.  #461April Rose on October 23, 2012 at 6:05 am

    Let’s practice our boundaries together, and help each other with ‘don’t want’ messages.

    Anyone up for that?

  462.  #462Tam on October 23, 2012 at 6:06 am

    A-R, thanks for the reminder. Good point

  463.  #463Tam on October 23, 2012 at 6:09 am

    I don’t want to be the kind of girl who is expected to take taxis to meet men last minute.

    It would feel great to be picked up

    I don’t want to know what my friends or lovers don’t want to do for me.

    It would feel sooo good to hear what they DO want to do for me.

  464.  #464April Rose on October 23, 2012 at 6:09 am

    I am reminded now of several tools.

    Respect the masculine.

    Be a fern, not a cactus.

    Let him figure out how to make things work.

  465.  #465April Rose on October 23, 2012 at 6:10 am


    (I’m not shouting, but singing with volume and passion)

  466.  #466April Rose on October 23, 2012 at 6:14 am

    So, how does this relate to me, and not Tam (whose situation I think I see so clearly and know how she could proceed, but I’m going to hold back on the advice now unless it is asked for)

    I could say to WM “I feel nervous about being around you at the moment. I have feelings for you, and I need to live my life and be happy. So, I’m feeling a little confused. I don’t want to hold my feelings in. And I don’t want to be afraid of your anger. Do you think there is anything we can do?”

  467.  #467Tam on October 23, 2012 at 6:16 am

    466..April Rose, I really welcome to let me know your views on my situation, it does help me to figure out things. Or see things clearer.

  468.  #468Heart on October 23, 2012 at 6:18 am

    Tam – you’ve already demolished one boundary…I say spend tje money and demolish the second. Your mind needs something current and concrete to refer back to…Just ask him to come see you for old times sake…
    Tam some people pine for years over unrequited love. You csn even witness that on this blog. I feel afraid that might be me because I have my obsessive, piney, hungup moments….Ylu have been fixating on this guy for months. You have not seen him in ages and nothing Real has occurred between you two other than a few messages here and there….

    I would encourage you to make big strides towards killing the false hope.

  469.  #469Heart on October 23, 2012 at 6:22 am

    #459 Tam – lol!

    #460 April Rose – it’s ok to speculate if you use the April Rose tool…;)

  470.  #470Sassy on October 23, 2012 at 6:24 am


    Where are you, hunny? How are things going? Miss you!

  471.  #471Sassy on October 23, 2012 at 6:24 am


    Thinking of you

  472.  #472Tam on October 23, 2012 at 6:26 am

    Heart…mmmhhhh….I feel resentful for spending the money, because it is quite some way. I know it would perhaps go a long way to resolve everything…but the boundary is there for a reason.
    I feel icky.
    I feel like I might get stood up after having spent all that money.
    It’s not worth it…
    I know some people pine for years but I feel turned off already…and the obstinacy at not picking me up is just wanting to make me kick him in the nuts rather than spend money…if you see what I mean.
    It feels like ‘throwing good money after bad’ when it would be close to my week’s grocery bill.
    No can do.
    Maybe the fact that he will be just down the road for a second time, not making the effort to come up here, will actually have the same effect as seeing him, just be cheaper. Yuck, basically.
    I am on my horse and I have a date tonight and a Ladies night on Wednesday. Those are my priorities now.

  473.  #473Femininewoman on October 23, 2012 at 6:32 am

    RE 424 SG I really wonder if you realize that this type of stress can actualloy cost you your life? Believe that you are a beautiful young woman that any would give an arm and a leg to be with. Turn your focus away from him and FB for a while. Your health is more important than this relationship.

  474.  #474Smile on October 23, 2012 at 6:32 am

    Hi sirens, just a quick check in! I’m exhausted moving but I’m feeling alive and great!!! Feel like I’m starting a new! I’ve been driving lots in my car to shift last bits. I’ve put the radio on fill blast. Great songs!!!

    I haven’t let go yet. He’s still in my mind and thoughts but my energy is totally carrying me forwards!!!!

    Happy happy happy!!!

  475.  #475Tam on October 23, 2012 at 6:34 am

    Smiiiile!!! Hey hey!!! Your post put a smile on my face. You sound so great!!

  476.  #476Heart on October 23, 2012 at 6:35 am

    Tam – ok…I hope so.(((Tam)))

  477.  #477Smile on October 23, 2012 at 6:36 am

    Oo and I stopped to get myself a pasty for lunch. I spotted two nice guys in front of me. I smiled, they smiled.

    My head is up and looking around.

  478.  #478Femininewoman on October 23, 2012 at 6:37 am

    I was listening to my favorite talk show this mornining, Z100 with Elvis Duran. They were talking about relationships. The guys, particularly TJ, was talking about how they pursued women. They said that consistently when they pursued the women hard, wanting to show good intention and interest the woman invariably pulled away. When he pulled away all of a sudden the woman became interested and wanted to hang out more. They tested the theory with different women, even good looking girls to the point of feeling bored. They ended up sticking with the girl who seemed to be more cool with whatever they did. Even the women on the show confirmed that it was when they hung back that their husbands started to really stick with them before they got married.

  479.  #479Smile on October 23, 2012 at 6:38 am

    Tam, I am!!!! Catch up soon. Grr gotta clean this place now! Shouldn’t take ling as it’s pretty clean already.
    Just bought some rubber gloves to protect my pretty fingernails!

  480.  #480Tam on October 23, 2012 at 6:39 am’s the law of scarcity, or whatever…I am also much more likely to go out with a guy who is not constantly on my case (20 texts a day), but more balanced…there is chasing and then there is hassling. That is a turn off too.
    Hanging back and letting things unfold naturally feels good.

  481.  #481Iamabutterfly on October 23, 2012 at 6:41 am

    I feel vulnerable, exposed, and embarassed.

    but I feel tired of “wondering if I said this…”

    I trust myself.

    woke up at 3am thinking about it…

    what I’m thinking about saying…

    “I feel really scared and embarrassed and shaky saying this, but I swear I’m going to regret it if I don’t, and I just need you to know.

    I really like you, and probably too much to be just friends. I felt so incredibly sad and disappointed when I realized you were in a relationship.

    I feel really shaky even bringing this up.

    I felt really weird when I realized that you guys made it official on the same night that we…

    I almost regret talking to you a couple of weeks ago, because it brought up all the old good, amazing feelings that I had been trying to stuff down since you’ve been in this relationship.

    Then, I felt really thankful that I talked to you when it looked like you were approaching me to talk to me that night…

    I mean, I’m glad I talked to you, because I love talking to you, and I wanted to make sure you’re doing okay, because I really care about you.

    And I feel guilty, but I want to be honest, because I’ve kind of been trying to avoid you for the most part, because it just doesn’t feel good…

    It felt really bad when I drove up and I saw you two and you looked away…

    Then, I felt really exposed and confused when you stared at me from across the building while you were sitting next to her.

    I just need you to know that I feel incredibly sad when I see you two together.

    I don’t want to be this random girl that talks to you, or that you talk to only when your girlfriend is not there.

    I don’t want put pressure on you or on your relationship with her.

    and I wouldn’t even be bringing this up unless it was really bothering me.

    I just wish there were some way, if you care about both of us, why couldn’t you date both of us?

    What do you think?”

    **End speech**

    Sirens, feedback?

    Timing feels incredibly important, and if I don’t say these things now, I will feel regret…

  482.  #482Heart on October 23, 2012 at 6:42 am

    #478 FW – I feel confused….so the talk show ppl basically said – women should keep leaning back?

  483.  #483Femininewoman on October 23, 2012 at 6:42 am

    Janie Baby he is telling you what he wants. You have to decide if you can give that to him. He is grumbling maybe because he is really attracted to you. Seeing he says “once in a while”, if I were you and he consistently calls and you have been together for a while, I would experiment with calling him to see how it affects the energy between you. I would even tell him “it feels masculine and unromantic” and that I don’t want to feel that way with him if that is how I feel when I call. Some of your post suggests to me that he might be wanting to work together with you on this. What do you think?

  484.  #484Tam on October 23, 2012 at 6:43 am

    Ha, boundary.
    MrNap just swore a lot. Then he turns to me and says in a harsh tone ‘is that coffee strong or what?’

    He has been always hanging about when I make food or drinks, and I always offer and he always takes something. Often he takes unasked. So ok, I stay in his office condo, but I consider that rude.

    To the question: ‘is that coffee strong or what?’ I simply answered ‘no, it isn’t!’ (equally harsh tone).
    He was expecting me to offer, but I didn’t.
    Normally I would have. None of that. He can make his own or ask politely. I feel good about not offering.

  485.  #485Emerson on October 23, 2012 at 6:43 am

    415 miss stix that’s interesting I am not familiar with all of roris material. Id love it if she could comment about negotiating or other sirens chime in…

  486.  #486Femininewoman on October 23, 2012 at 6:44 am

    Basically that was what they were saying. It reminded me of what PUA tell guys to do. Treat women trashing and they come running after you. My understanding from what all of them were saying was when a woman “leans back” they are most attracted to her.

  487.  #487Tam on October 23, 2012 at 6:45 am

    Lama, I am not sure I get this..maybe I suggesting he circular dates you and another girl?

  488.  #488Emerson on October 23, 2012 at 6:47 am

    Personally I don’t like negotiating. It feels tiring. If I don’t want to scratch his back maybe I can say “oh maybe later…right now it feels nice just laying here relaxing with my eyes closed and breathing deeply” and then not scratch his back until i feel like it.
    I had an ex who would pout if i got out of bed in the morning and he wanted sex and I didn’t have time or didn’t feel like it. I would feel guilty and obligated and i wish I knew feeling messages back then.

  489.  #489Tam on October 23, 2012 at 6:48 am

    FW, it is strange but even with my CD’s..the ones that go quiet, or when I feel one leaning back, I get a little urge to lean forward. Must be human nature?
    I am ignoring that urge TOTALLY nowadays 😉

  490.  #490Linda on October 23, 2012 at 6:51 am

    I posted last thread about my recent CD’s. The one I talked to during the week and met on Saturday evening felt off to me, just off to me deep down in my gut. He was kind, positive, planned, rowed, called, text first.. all the things we want a man do do.I kinda felt like he had read a textbook though and had taken careful notes during earlier communication and was purposely doing things…. Trying tooo hard… it felt clingy and uncomfortable and unnatural. Truth is no matter what he did right, without the physical attraction (there was not even an hint of it for me)… the things he did made me feel too much. Since CDing is practice… I have done this enough now to know if there is not attraction there is not going to be for me. Putting my picture as background walpaper on his phone, bringing me roses, chocolate and dog treats for my dog on our meet and greet… all nice nice things.. just made me feel like… the cat in the old cartoons…with the skunk “Peppy Le Pew” yuck. After meeting him.. he was inviting himself over, hinting he loved to do yard work… then inviting himself to my work to bring me lunch…. I just wasnt feeling it, not attracted…. HE WAS OVERFUNCTIONING. Is that possible for a man? It did not feel like masculine energy it felt like NEEDY energy. Near the end of our time he moved from across the table and scooted me over up agains the wall of the booth and sat near me.. grabbed my hand and would not let go…

    I feel holding hands is a couple thing and I was not confortable with him doing that or moving from his side of the table and scooting me up against the wall in the booth. I expressed that to him and he let go but did not move…. hmmmm…. Not a meet and greet thing to me, nor is reaching under the table with his feet and trapping my legs either. Even saying… if things go well… “I hope I hope Hope… I just felt creaped out. The 3:52AM request to bring me lunch yesterday was the icing on the BEING DONE cake for me.

    This morning I had an email… Saying “I really tried and you did not even give me a chance 🙁 I know he has feelings.. but come on. I feel I gave him a chance by meeting him, when I did not feel attracted to him. I was very honest, did not want to lead him on and didn’t.

    I am making myself chuckle remembering that poor cat. I have true empathy for her now.

  491.  #491LiliBee on October 23, 2012 at 6:51 am


    I agree Tam, that we need to practice that with everyone, not just our love interests.

    My gf had been at me for a while asking me to take her out for dinner and dancing.
    She was never available, I was.
    We finally made a definite plan for Saturday.
    I call her at 2pm, and she was sleeping.
    She said she went out for dinner and dancing the night before, and was now feeling like a groggy wreck and wasn’t sure she was up to it.

    I said “This is the 2nd time I get tossed aside for coworkers that supposedly are not really appreciated. I don’t feel appreciated. I’ve been feeling really angry lately for feeling like I am good enough for crumbs only. I can’t take feeling like that anymore.”

    She went on to blame me saying she had asked me to plan a trip with her but I was never available, and every time she asked me to go out with her, I was never available.

    I said “When I am told ‘sometime we should do this’, that doesn’t look like a definite request to me. I specifically asked you ‘I am going on this trip, it would be great if you came, do you want to come?’ You said ‘No’. That’s what asking specifically looks like to me. Now, I feel angry for being blamed, when I sit home alone for weeks, I am not asked, I get a ‘No’ response when I do ask. That’s also what being available looks like to me. I feel p’d for being told I am not available when I am.”

    The thing is, this gf of mine is highly feminine energy with everyone even her friends.
    I no longer feel OK being in the masculine role with anyone, no matter who it is.
    I no longer feel OK with having to be the one making all the leaning forward, making all the definite plans, and chasing.

    She felt left out when I told her about my plans to go on a trip with my other gf.
    She said “But I wanted to go on a trip with you. I always said we should go on a trip together.”
    Me: “I remember you had said that. I asked 2x with definite plans, and I got ‘No’. I felt pretty leftout myself when you went on 2 trips with other gfs and didn’t invite me to come along.”

    I’m leaning back with her by making my own plans with someone else.
    I didn’t feel appreciated while I was available.
    All I got were nice words like “you’re like a sister to me, I don’t know what I would do without you. We have to gettogether more often.”

    Words are meaningless unless action is backing it up.
    Now that I’m planning alot of fun things without her, she feels leftout.
    It’s so easy for people to take us for granted when you’re just sitting there available for them.
    They take notice when you no longer are available.

    Well here’s my new boundary: No more crumbs from anybody! Nobody! Nohow!

  492.  #492Iamabutterfly on October 23, 2012 at 6:54 am

    @Tam 487 – yeah, basically.

    He came after Jack CD.
    I came after his girlfriend.

    I don’t think I’m going to say it, now that I think about it.

    I just needed to get it off my chest. Out into the universe.

    I need to work on just feeling my crappy feelings when I run into him/them…

    so he sees how much it bothers me…

  493.  #493Tam on October 23, 2012 at 6:55 am

    Lilibee, totally resonates. I offered another gf to help with her stuff…and I couldn’t make it one time..and she kinda dropped lip and said ‘but next time on such and such a day it HAS to be firm’.
    I just said, yes ‘if all is well’, bearing in mind that I offered from the goodness of my heart and there is no pay involved and it is taking me about 10 hours computer work.
    So I am feeling resentful now, and if she says something odd again I will tell her also, excatly how I feel.
    People will take advantage, friends and family also, if the boundaries are not intact. I can’t believe it took me so long to see this. It’s not ‘them’, it was ‘me’. No more crumbs and no more being pushed

  494.  #494Femininewoman on October 23, 2012 at 6:55 am

    Calypso sorry about this but when I initially read your comment it triggered something I read from Rori where she talks about kinda feeling like a maid going over to a man on a business trip, to service him. I appreciate your wanting to give back but it does not seem that doing at his house is working in your favor. I have also heard Rori talk on Reconnect about losing your power when you go to the man’s house.

    I would use this as an instructive experience to help me adjust my bahavior around JC. He might have money but that can’t buy love and he knows that. How can he feel comfortable? Whether you like it or not he can feel where you are coming from and that is what makes the difference in the way he treats you.

  495.  #495Tam on October 23, 2012 at 6:56 am

    492, Lama, it might drop your value in his eyes if you are prepared for such an arrangement…just sayin

  496.  #496Femininewoman on October 23, 2012 at 6:57 am

    RE 489 – It is energy Tam. All the energy. Remember everything is energy.

  497.  #497Linda on October 23, 2012 at 7:00 am

    re- 490…HAHA… I just remembered I have on pretty new underwear that I LOVE… with cat print trim. Poor chased kitty cat….. MEOW!

  498.  #498Mercedes on October 23, 2012 at 7:00 am

    Annie (374): I see it because of his patterns. He blames and calls names and puts everything wrong with the relationship on her and blames again and “you, you, you did this this and this wrong” and then says by the way, I was planning a weekend away with you. This is classic…said to make her wish she hadn’t done all those terrible things to him so she could be going away with him. Then…because he knows she’ll probably roll her eyes (like I did) and not believe him, he goes on and on about how he was getting things ready and actually says the words “so you can believe me” (or something like that). It’s classic manipulation.

    If she wanted, she could call his bluff. Apologize for everything…fall down at his feet…do something super nice for him (like give him all her money or something) and then say “I’m so glad we worked this out. I’m really looking forward to that trip you got us at the bed and breakfast.” I can guarantee there will be no trip.

    Telling her it’s time for him to have an adventure. Manipulation (wants her to be so afraid of him sleeping with another woman that she’ll do anything to have him back). Showing her publically that he’s in to strippers. Manipulation. He wants to make her 1. Do anything he asks. 2. Wish she had the life he’s willing to offer her (so he makes up non existent trips). 3. Jealous of other women who may or may not be there. 4. To know that no matter what he says or does, no matter how many horrible names he calls her, no matter how many other women he indicates he can be with…she’ll want him. Controlling and manipulating.

    I don’t know how to tell you how to see it, but I’m sure there are really great books out there on how to know when you are being manipulated. My guess on this one is that this type of tactic has worked for him in the past. When women love, we love and the slightest hint of something good (Rori refers to it as crumbs) can cause us to jump. In this case, she’s no longer jumping so quickly (because she’s been here learning new tools) and he feels like he’s lost control. He’s desperately trying to get it back (probably in the only way he knows how) but hopefully, everthing she’s learned here will help teach HIM that the way to regain a woman’s love is not through manipulation. It’s through love and understanding.

    We can’t choose who we love. We love all kinds of bad people sometimes. When I worked with abused women and would ask “why do you stay?” then answer 9 out of 10 times was not “fear”, it was “because I love him”. I’ve decided we can’t help who we love. But we CAN choose who we LIKE and if we decide that no matter who we love, we are going to spend the rest of our lives with a man we LIKE then these guys can’t have us. They can want us and we can want them to change (or be the way they used to be) but we can’t date them or sleep with them or grow the relationship until they become a man we can LIKE.

    Anyway, my two cents.

    Much Love,

  499.  #499BAB on October 23, 2012 at 7:03 am

    An odd thing is happening. I’m feeling a bit excited for July to get here.
    Iv decided that if there’s no commitment made by then that I’m going to say goodbye to my five yr relationship..
    As sad as that thought is to me, I still feel a sense of adventure or excitement like I said above.
    I’m also worried that by giving myself a time line that it could be considered having an agenda!? And I don’t wanna trick myself into thinking its not….
    I don’t feel like in holding out for a proposal, I more like feel a relief that I can just sit back and do my part and wait for July..
    Does this seem totally cracked to anyone else? Lol


  500.  #500Emerson on October 23, 2012 at 7:04 am

    491 lillibee I have a friend who is also very feminine. As I’ve gotten farther away from my masculine energy..I’ve noticed I have not seen her much. She never initiates to get together and when we do talk she always wants me to make the plans. Love her, but I kinda feel exhausted with the whole thing. She always has a boyfriend providing for her payi g her rent, etc, so maybe I feel jealous sometimes but actually the guys she picks are questionable in character in my opinion….

  501.  #501Femininewoman on October 23, 2012 at 7:09 am

    BAB I believe in setting a timeline boundary for myself. It would also be good if the guy knows about it so that he can indicate to you if there is a possibility that you can work things out between you.

  502.  #502Femininewoman on October 23, 2012 at 7:11 am

    BAB there are many women who wait indefinitely for men. Some of these women want to have children, but watch their childbearing years disappear as they wait for these men. Only to end up with the guy moving on and marrying another woman.

  503.  #503Emerson on October 23, 2012 at 7:12 am

    Linda,wow! Your siren skills are working! 😉 I am sure they’ll work on someone you’re attracted to as well as this guy. Hugs

  504.  #504Mercedes on October 23, 2012 at 7:12 am

    Linda (490): I wish Rori would comment on your question (or maybe have a male coach speak to it). I wonder about this way of thinking too. What happens when a guy is too much?

    “Putting my picture as background walpaper on his phone, bringing me roses, chocolate and dog treats for my dog on our meet and greet… all nice nice things.. just made me feel like… the cat in the old cartoons…with the skunk “Peppy Le Pew” yuck. After meeting him.. he was inviting himself over, hinting he loved to do yard work… then inviting himself to my work to bring me lunch…. I just wasnt feeling it, not attracted…. HE WAS OVERFUNCTIONING. Is that possible for a man? It did not feel like masculine energy it felt like NEEDY energy.”

    How do we get Rori to chime in on it. LOL. I could post it with a few swear words or change my user name for that post…but then I’ve been going off on a man who is being manipulative….maybe I shouldn’t try to manipulate Rori into answering a question here. haha! 🙂

    Much Love,

  505.  #505Emerson on October 23, 2012 at 7:16 am

    Hi fw!

    Sirens I hope I can shift my thought pattern. I’ve been waking up every day feeling fear and doubt because i am scared of ending up alone. I love myself but I want partnership and love.
    I want fun dates in the city. I want to go to the coast. I want a man who can follow through and plan.

  506.  #506Mercedes on October 23, 2012 at 7:18 am

    BAB: Curious what made you decide on July. Has he done/said something to indicate a proposal will happen by then? Were you planning on “doing” something between now and then to see if he will propose? After 5 years, July seems sort of like buying time or something…unless he’s indicated that’s coming…or if he knows that’s the limit to how long you can continue in the relationship. If he knows, then he can decide if that’s what he wants to do. If he doesn’t know and hasn’t done anything to indicate it’s coming…then why July?


    Much Love,

  507.  #507BAB on October 23, 2012 at 7:21 am

    The only thing we would need to work out is weather or not he’s gonna propose finally, if not I’m done. How do I go about saying that with out it sounding like a ultimatum and with out making our living together super awkward or unbearable if he says he doesn’t wanna. I’d have to stay till the lease is up and them ind a new place.. ?

  508.  #508BAB on October 23, 2012 at 7:31 am

    Mercedes- In part it’s buying time, our lease is up then and i guess I see now that I was just trying to not make things harder on myself, taking the easier way out I suppose.
    Iv thought about asking him, but wasn’t sure if that was leaning forward.( and I’m a term believer that ultimatums are not good) I really do wanna lay it all out there but am uncertain as to how I would go about it!?
    I have no indication that he will ask me anytime soon.. Aw dang I am harboring expectations.. We have been going through a ruff patch and so I have been focusing on me and my happiness and have been seen g some kinda big changes in him, so I guess that’s where the expectations were rooted. ( eye opener )

  509.  #509Mercedes on October 23, 2012 at 7:35 am

    BAB: Could you say something to indicate where you are at with it? You chose July as your end date. Is that when the lease is up and you would be finding another place anyway if he doesn’t propose?

    “I’m not feeling comfortable or good about our living arrangement anymore. I really did for a while, but lately so many of my thoughts and so much of my energy are consumed by knowing I want to be married. After so long, I feel like this relationship may not be the one that will take me to that dream. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I have to be true to myself as well. When the lease is up in July, I’m going to find another place to live. I still want to see you but I also think it’s time for me to see other men who might want the same things I do. My heart aches for family, to be your wife, to have that total commitment. I have to move on so I no longer hurt so much.”

    Or something like that. I’m sure there are sentences that can be removed and feeling messages that can be entered and changes made based on what YOU want and how YOU feel instead of how I projected your feelings, but however you say it, I think it’s fair for him to know where you’re at, what your timeline is, what you want and most importantly that you are willing to walk away from him to find it.

    This has to be painful for you. I’m so sorry.

    Much Love,

  510.  #510Femininewoman on October 23, 2012 at 7:35 am

    BAB or maybe you don’t feel like being a girlfriend anymore?

  511.  #511Emerson on October 23, 2012 at 7:37 am

    I need to get out there and cd!!!!

  512.  #512Silver Moonbeam on October 23, 2012 at 7:40 am

    #511 Emerson

    YES YES YES!!!! 😀

  513.  #513Emerson on October 23, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Hi silver moon
    Cding feels hard but I will try!

  514.  #514BAB on October 23, 2012 at 7:53 am

    Mercedes -yes I love that! Says everything iv been feeling. But I feel frightened its gonna end badly and then how do I share a bed and or even living space after that convo?? It yet seems o much easier to let it lie ugh but I already know tat doesn’t work.

    Few-yes Iam sick of being a live in gf/common law wife. I feel I deserve more then that.

  515.  #515BAB on October 23, 2012 at 7:56 am

    Mercedes- also yes our lease is up in July and he and I both want a town house but I don’t think it would be wise if we are not married..

  516.  #516Starla on October 23, 2012 at 8:29 am

    Laughing Goddess, 327 — it’s okay, LG! I’m not sure I even needed advice.

    Just venting. And being honest.

    When I was lying in bed last night, I felt so embarrassed, like “omg those blog sirens are going to think i’m a psycho stalker who doesn’t accept that someone left her.”

    And then I thought “how brave I am for being totally honest about my feelings even though people could totally judge me.”

    I am very brave! Love to me! Love to my psycho stalker feelings hehe

  517.  #517Mercedes on October 23, 2012 at 8:29 am

    BAB: “Aw dang I am harboring expectations.. ” I do that sometimes too. Less and less over the last few years but that’s only because it is an area that I’ve been working on. I try to catch myself when I have expectations or an agenda and I stop. Right then. Stop.

    I’m kind of a lean forward person in our relationship sometimes. I initiate sex, dates, trips…lots of stuff…when I want to. But here’s the key: I know J very, very well so I know when it is best NOT to initiate anything because I know when there is a better chance of him not wanting it. J also knows ME really well so he knows that when I’m initiating, it is something I need so he stays sensitive to that. In addition, I let J take the lead most of the time. (But when I do lead he enjoys it because he gets a break from having to do all the planning and initiating everything and he gets to see what I’m all about and what I want to do without having to try to figure out what I want). But most importantly, when I do take the lead, I do it without expectations. If I’m expecting a certain result and if I know I will be hurt if I don’t get the answer I want, then I lean back…way back. I see no need to bring on the hurt. If I think it might hurt, I work on myself and I leave the relationship part of it to him.

    Oh…also important not to have expectations when you are leaning back and letting him take the lead. If you’re expecting something in particular, well…men are not mind readers…so the chances of being disappointed greatly increase. This happens a lot with Valentines day, Christmas, birthdays, etc.

    What’s most important is for you to keep moving down the path that makes you happy. If you want to be married and he doesn’t, then you need to take yourself down a path toward marriage. You can’t drag him along that path. If it’s also what he wants, he will run to catch up with you and he’ll carry you down that path. If it’s not his path, you will pass him up. Either way, you can’t choose that for him and if you have expectations about what he will say or do when you tell him your timeline, then it is not really you taking yourself on your own journey…it is you trying to drag him along on your journey.

    I don’t know if any of this is even true for you and I’ve spent 30 minutes trying to type it all out between work. lol All I know is that’s how I see it and for what it’s worth, my take on it is how I live my life.

    Much Love,

  518.  #518Starla on October 23, 2012 at 8:37 am

    So, I feel happy to report that I went to the gym for some intense cardio, and then I practiced belly dance for 45 minutes. I cooked myself some baby kale and took a nice shower and did some beauty rituals.

    It helped me feel much better!

    Then my apartment building caught on fire at 2am and I spent half the night in the parking lot, but both me and my apartment are just fine.

  519.  #519Tam on October 23, 2012 at 8:42 am

    Starla, hehe, I feel amused reading about the parking lot..

  520.  #520Starla on October 23, 2012 at 8:46 am

    I felt so grateful to have a warm car to sit in while we were all forced to sit in the chilly parking lot and wait for them to put the fire out.

  521.  #521Daria on October 23, 2012 at 8:47 am

    Yay I switched my phone to another carrier for the same price. This is a dream for me! And also I have a chip that… With another number… I can talk for free forever . Never pay.

    I have urges to traxk down how to call this guy and give it back to him. Even though he didn’t want it back.

    I felt guilty cuz I asked him to give my friend 100 for it when he left it at her house. Bec she asked me… Cuz she was about to sell it for that. And I coulda said no don’t to friend, but I felt bad cuz she seemed desperate for money. so I gave it to her outta my pocket. Thinking that guy will be si happy to have such a precious phone it won’t be anything for him to give her 100. Except he didn’t believe me. That I paid her. And didn’t want to come pick his phone up. So now u feel guilty using it. Plus I don’t want his number… I want free hookup on my number instead. Pfff.


  522.  #522Annie on October 23, 2012 at 8:50 am

    498: Mercedes

    TY Mercedes, that makes sense now.
    Gosh I was so easily manipulated I feel sad, but accepting that all I am able to do now is do my best to be be on alert for this.

    Yes I have stopped liking.
    That makes sense.
    I get told well you used to like me.
    Yes I was hormonally attached and believed the words.

    I just want to be happy and be with someone who cares.

    I felt sickened re the strippers and adventure comment made by Simply Goddess’s ex man.
    My heart felt pain for her.

  523.  #523Daria on October 23, 2012 at 8:50 am

    If I get that hookup which I’m getting closer to as signaled by this, I will have no bills at all . Zero. Bill free.

  524.  #524Daria on October 23, 2012 at 8:50 am

    And that will feel relaxing.

  525.  #525April Rose on October 23, 2012 at 8:59 am

    I think that men are meant to be manipulative. Manipulation simply means strategising to get what you want.

    If a man is strategising to get my attention, then I choose to give him the benefit of the doubt.

    Again, “aw poor sweet man, what terrible tactics, and I know you want me”.

    We can help men along, you know. To come close to us.

    Oh, help.
    WM just phoned and I got panicky. Haven’t seen him for a week.
    I feel tears coming.
    I said I don’t want to talk if you’re driving, I can’t hear you properly. He will phone later.

    My cousin is upstairs playing the song “Miss you like crazy.”

  526.  #526BAB on October 23, 2012 at 9:01 am

    Mercedes-much of that rings true.. I have alot to think about and look at. I feel if anything my expectations are more bad then goog. So I’m confused if that’s still me dragging him along, as you stared? I don’t know how to sort a lot of this out in my mind. I want him to take the lead in the relationship, but I also like to lead, and I know he likes me to sometimes as we’ll. But in the matter of marrage I think you are correct in that i should tell him what I’m thinking because he deserves to know, but after that I think it’s his job to figure out where we of from there..

  527.  #527Jenny on October 23, 2012 at 9:08 am

    I know I’m way ovethinking now and trying to be in a mans head right now.

    Been a rock star with…text him a invitation to meet and see a movie.

    He answered with: ” dont know if I can..and it is so far away to get to you :-(”

    So I wrote something about: “Ok I understand that, any suggestions?”

    He: “Hmm well its hard to see a movie without being at somebodys home”

    Me: “True, I got an crazy ideal, do you got a laptop?”

    He: “No”

    Me: “Ok, I appricite your company. IO like how it feels good be with you. I would be happy if we just could meet, maybe let ower hand explore ower bodies, feel the worm, kiss and make out in the back of a car 😛 What do you thinkg?

    He: “I dont know, feels a little bit hard it is so far between us, need to drive on such small roads. Maybe its better you found someone else who lives closer…”

    Me: “I understand that. I trust you as a man and human. I belive we can find a solution on the problem with the distance. At the moment I can borrow my mothers car. What do you want?

    He: “It will still allways be a problem with the distance, we will allways have to fix it. Is proberly better you find someone else insteed…”

    I started to write a text, saw how long it I just sent him:
    “Started to write an answer and it felt a little odd when I saw how long it was. Is there any other way we can communicate?”

    He: “Email?”

    Me: “Ok, the same adress?”

    He: “Yeah, I’m at work now…”

    Me: “I know, and I appriicate you taking the time to answer. Feels good”

    He: “I will check my mail when I get home”

    Me: “Thanks 🙂 I got to go…cya (not the right translation – I used a world that in swedish mean..”we talk later”

    He: “Okey, cya”

    And I feel very confused – I have never meet a man who does those things to me….ok he reminds me of one of my best male friend. My male friend started out as a BF…the suddenly dumped me, but keept seeing me – and when I asked him about it: “You are so beautiful, I’m afraid of getting dumped by you”…I got out of my romantic feelings for him and we become very close friends. It took him 2 years to really belive I liked him as a friend..2 years of meeting 4 times a week and having a lot of fun.

    So J reminds me of my male friends, like he is putting up obsticals and logical reasons why not meet me…and still the daily contact where he ask me questions.

    Any thoughts?

    I like this man…and care about the friendship with him. My guts says he is very insecure, gentle, soft..a little feminane energy…what does your guts say you?

    (I know what my NV is screaming right now)

  528.  #528LiliBee on October 23, 2012 at 9:08 am


    YEY STARLA!!! 🙂

    So faithful, devoted and dedicated to yourself as always.

    I knew you’d come through for yourself, you always do.

  529.  #529Radlove on October 23, 2012 at 9:11 am


    470 – Hi, thanks for thinking of me! I’m in crunch week for moving. And the reason I haven’t been here at all is because my laptop charger broke last week. 🙁 It was hanging out the car door and the connection got ruined by dragging on the pavement. 🙁 And I ordered the wrong replacement.

    So here I am at the library dealing with some phishing compromise on my main email account when I need to be sorting and packing. I have a huge amount of stuff to do this week. I am renting a moving truck on Saturday.

    I will be living in a house share on a 3 acre horse farm and I am so thankful this opened up for me, and I consider it a miracle.

    This article on weight loss is fantastic!

    How are you?

  530.  #530Jenny on October 23, 2012 at 9:11 am

    ..oh and I havent had sex with him yet.

  531.  #531Femininewoman on October 23, 2012 at 9:11 am

    Jenny I think he is saying he does not want what you want.

  532.  #532Daria on October 23, 2012 at 9:13 am

    I always get my door opened. Hehe I just stand there if I don’t.

    If a man doesn’t seem to want to walk me out… (if I was leaving his place on my own or something). I’d say… ‘ohh *smile* mm I don’t want to walk myself out’

    Ahhh I feel so good about how well I’m treated

    I still feel shy about ‘asking’ for food Abd water. Particular food and water. Its important to me to ask in feeling messages.

    ‘oh I’m feeling thirsty, it’d feel great to have some Fiji water, I don’t want to wait’. High 5 I did it! :). Yayy

    I feel so pleased. I arranged to meet my dates tomorrow and the day after at a coffee shop and bar, respectively, so I no longer meet men first time directly at their car. I felt ok w that but it felt a little informal too.

    The only thing is, I don’t want to be cold. While walking 10 min to the coffee shop. I want to dress cute and what of it’s raining?

    I know this will work itself out.

  533.  #533Jenny on October 23, 2012 at 9:14 am

    But that is the thing – I just want to meet, it feel to soon to me to even think about anything more then just to meet. If he dont want to meet – how hard can it be to say “no, i dont want to meet”

  534.  #534Daria on October 23, 2012 at 9:17 am

    April Rose – yeah! I feel inspired by that cool way to think about it.

    I don’t get truggered by manipulation so much… Actually I think I get So triggered that I instantly shut down and resist. Which I’ve been healing.

    For example when someone gets ‘needy’ for compassion, I go to judgement and anger. I feel angry. I feel like my heart and pelvis are being pulled at and I feel furious.

    I’m ready ti beat ass or yell. Hehe I love me.

  535.  #535Starla on October 23, 2012 at 9:18 am

    jenny, he is trying to tell you no, i think?

  536.  #536Jenny on October 23, 2012 at 9:19 am

    Well – then he have to learn..”I dont speak hints” And I still dont get the daily contact from him with questions.

  537.  #537Starla on October 23, 2012 at 9:22 am

    ” Is proberly better you find someone else insteed…””

    this is no hint. this is saying “no”


  538.  #538BAB on October 23, 2012 at 9:23 am

    Ugh so confused.. I feel like a mess. Oh we’ll I like to clean up a mess lol

  539.  #539BAB on October 23, 2012 at 9:24 am


  540.  #540Daria on October 23, 2012 at 9:24 am

    Jenny – eek. That didnt feel good to read. It felt icky!

    The whole thing came off like huge pressure from your side. Eek.

    I would never ask him out again. I would actually not ask any man out again for a year or more, just to get used to not doing that at all. It takes some time to shift my energy from justifying ‘spontaneous invites’ to healing to just Be with those urges. I love my urges.

  541.  #541Jenny on October 23, 2012 at 9:26 am

    Thanks sweetie. Men are darn strange…why the heck keep a daily contact, but dont want to meet?

    They are so darn diffrent from us – love them anyway 😛

  542.  #542Starla on October 23, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Jenny 541, cuz it’s entertaining to him to have someone to talk to.

  543.  #543Mercedes on October 23, 2012 at 9:28 am

    BAB: “But in the matter of marrage I think you are correct in that i should tell him what I’m thinking because he deserves to know, but after that I think it’s his job to figure out where we of from there..”

    Yeah…I really think this way too.

    But if your expectations are more bad than good, are you fully prepared to walk away for it? Not just timelines and threats, but really ready to live together in a shared living space for financial reasons only, until July, and then walk away? If not, then your timeline isn’t real. It’s one you feel is ideal but not one you’re willing to stick to for yourself. That’s not going to look very strong then if you stay. I don’t know what I’m saying except that if you’re going to communicate an ultimatum, it has to be real or he’ll have difficulty knowing (in the future) when you really are communicating what you need or what your boundaries are.

    April Rose: I think when the absolute perfect man for you comes along, takes the lead and gives you your dreams, you will know that this: “I think that men are meant to be manipulative. Manipulation simply means strategising to get what you want.” Isn’t true for all men and that manipulate actually means: “to manage or influence skillfully, especially in an unfair manner: to manipulate people’s feelings. ”

    Not all men do this. They really don’t. Most men (at least those I know) aren’t interested in manipulating anything. They prefer straight forward life and love and not manipulation and games. It’s a lot more fun for them when things are easy. Manipulation takes energy. Now controlling type men…they like to manipulate because it makes them feel powerful over people they have no respect for.

    Much Love,

  544.  #544Jenny on October 23, 2012 at 9:31 am

    Thanks daria – I also know some word aint right in english, since it is written in swedish from the start.

    A well I cant take it back, that would make it even worse. I stand for what I did and wrote.

  545.  #545Femininewoman on October 23, 2012 at 9:39 am

    ‘Needs’ Coming From Emotional Dependency

    “I need your attention.”

    “I need your approval.”

    “I need for you to have sex with me when I want sex.”

    “I need you to make me feel lovable and worthy.”

    “I need you to make me feel secure.”

    “I need you to make me feel important.”

    “I need you to fill my emptiness.”

    “I need you to make me feel special.”

    “It is your job to make me happy.”

    These ‘needs’ are coming from self-abandonment

  546.  #546Simply Goddess on October 23, 2012 at 9:41 am


    Wow.. Mercedes you open my eyes.
    I so easily fall for the manipulation and everything you said is right. I wish I could see it so clearly.
    Maybe we all manipulate sometimes though. Maybe honestly me saying to a friend I would go to Ibiza I knew he’d see it and it would p iss him off. Feel so guilty now. I only manipulate out of fear. He’s obviously doing the same. Learning curve.

    He randomly text before as hes working with an ex football coach. He text to say the guy had brought in signed pics for his daughter and one for my school and he was bring more stuff in another day.
    That was it. Random.

  547.  #547Mercedes on October 23, 2012 at 9:41 am

    FW 545…yup! I like that!

    Much Love,

  548.  #548Simply Goddess on October 23, 2012 at 9:42 am

    Oh.. and he hopes the flat he is going looking at tomorrow isnt a mess. “Onwards and upwards now” as he put it. Funny I’ve had those same words rolling round my head. Ha.

  549.  #549Simply Goddess on October 23, 2012 at 9:44 am

    The last was a status not a direct text to me.

  550.  #550Daria on October 23, 2012 at 9:44 am

    Hahhh. I got a phone that’s easy to type with, I can check Internet with woohooohioo so happy happy happy. Feeling well pleased feel squeeze out my heart like a gushy squeezing my heart hormones gooey honey

  551.  #551Daria on October 23, 2012 at 9:46 am


  552.  #552MissStix on October 23, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Emerson 485 & 488

    I have not read down further, but I would love some feedback myself!!

    I only intend to use this tool if it is something I would enjoy doing for him, but feels like leaning forward or overfunctioning.

    For example: If we have errands to run on a friday evening and he says “You feel like grabbing me?”. In this case I would want to because it is easier for us both for me to grab him, run our errands and head home. Rather than for us both to go out of our way to meet at his place and then head out to run errands. This may actually be the only time I would use negotiation. Maybe I could say:

    “Yes, that would feel much easier! And you can buy me a coffee? ;)”

    Or something.

  553.  #553Daria on October 23, 2012 at 9:47 am

    I feel unheard


  554.  #554Dominique on October 23, 2012 at 9:47 am

    Annie – 374 – I don’t know if this has been answered, but I feel compelled to respond from my perspective.

    You don’t always know when you are being manipulated. It takes practice and also a knowing of the person in question.

    I prefer to take words at face value until or unless proven otherwise. I don’t want to become cynical which to me is what questioning someone’s words and motives can do. Cynicism produces constant suspicion, not something I want for you. Not something which is healthy for you.

    In this case though there is a history of abusive language and lying. In this case it’s not so much an excess of words that would have me question their validity, but his patterns of the past. This would cause me to feel skeptical.

    Most of the time though I choose to believe what I am told. The truth comes out eventually anyway without any effort on your part. i.e. snooping.


  555.  #555Daria on October 23, 2012 at 9:47 am

    I feel patronized

  556.  #556Daria on October 23, 2012 at 9:48 am

    ‘u don’t get it’ translate to ‘I feel unheard’

  557.  #557BAB on October 23, 2012 at 9:48 am

    Mercedes-Humm I’m going to have to re read this a few times so it sinks in, but what I think you’re trying to say is, if I’m gonna tell him what my thoughts are and about wanting there to be a marriage commitment by then, that I better be ready to move out so that he knows I mean what I say, but only to do this with out expectations god or bad. Is that totally off?