How to Expose the Sexy Beast Within

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justinThis is a guest post by Justin  “Fernando” Carnahan …he posts on this blog as “Fernando” and you can find him on his own blog here (yes – the picture is him…)

http://blog.theessentialsofattraction.com

…I really like to highlight contributions here by men – so we can see 2 things:

1. Get a view from a man’s perspective, to help reinforce what we’re doing here…and
2. To see what a “good” man thinks like…

So – here’s Justin:

What does your best self look like? People take the phrase “be yourself” to mean “be the same person with all the bad habits” instead of “be your best self.” When we realize that holding back is counter productive, we are our best selves. Realize that people will love you for who you are, regardless of the pain of your past experiences. It’s then that you’ll start to find true happiness in your relationships, whether they be romantic, platonic, or familial.

*We’ve all been made fun of and hurt.* For example, I once had a relationship with an incredible woman. Due to circumstances beyond our control, it had to end. It hurt, because I had very long term intentions with her, and losing that relationship rocked me to my core. The fallout was painful, and for a long time I didn’t let anyone in.

I felt like I was too open with her, and that she used my openness to hurt me. For a long time I didn’t trust anyone, I kept my emotions closed off while I kept a smile on my face. After a long time of unsatisfying relationships, I realized that I had to change. I had to open back up if I was ever going to feel the happiness that came from having amazing relationships. The secret is learning to let go. Bad things happen to everyone, and you can not let the pain keep you from living and loving fully.

Anytime someone doesn’t like you, it’s because they don’t know or truly understand you. There’s never an exception. People will be magnetically drawn to you when you stop doing the little things that keep people away from you. If you’re afraid of getting hurt, you are more likely trying to do things because you think other people will be impressed by, instead of the things that emanate with “you-ness,” which is what people really want anyway.

There are two paths in life. One of these paths I call the gray path. This path involves loving half-heartedly, not opening up emotionally, and living in the past or future instead of the present moment. Truly caring about people and allowing yourself to feel everything is scary and hard. People that choose this path live in a haze of acquaintances instead of full presence, so they can avoid the ups and downs that relationships can bring.

The other path, which I call the bold path, is where the great lovers of the world are found. People on this path hold nothing back! They run full force into life, loving every second of it, always present to the moment, and giving life everything they have! They realize that this life is going to happen once, and while it will sometimes hurt, without the occasional pain, we can never find the ultimate pleasures that life has and wants to give!

Realize that if you’re consistently not satisfied with your life, you may be on the gray path. The truth is that everyone was meant to be on the bold path.

Go into your fears, your hurt, your pain. Feel it all, scream it out, do what you have to do to acknowledge it and feel it fully. Only when you learn to love not only your happy emotions, but also your “negative” emotions, can you feel fully into life. You’ll find it easier to let things go, and you can stop carrying the baggage of the past, so you can be here in the moment, present, loving fully, and amidst all the beauty of the world!

Justin

Thank you, Justin, and I’ve got him writing a new one about “How To Spot A Jerk” (especially if he’s hiding it really, really well…)

Let me know what topic you’d like me to ask men to answer…and I’ll have them custom-ordered for you!

Love, Rori


86 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on August 14, 2009 at 9:00 am

    Yay Justin! I feel happy and excited reading your article!



  2.  #2mary on August 14, 2009 at 9:06 am

    Wow! I can’t wait to read “How to spot a jerk”



  3.  #3Aminata on August 14, 2009 at 9:54 am

    Thank you for this post Justin. What you write about “the grey path” is true- initially it seems like the safe route but ultimately it is the most dangerous and unhealthy way to live. Living life to the fullest takes a lot of courage. I appreciate the courage you have taken to remind all of us about that!



  4.  #4Mercedes on August 14, 2009 at 10:33 am

    Fernando/Justin: You say you felt like the woman you were close to used your openness to hurt you. Do you still think that’s what happened, or was it something else? I ask because I wonder, if you still believe that’s what did it, then how difficult is it (meaning does it take a long time) after meeting someone new to trust them enough to be as open with them as you were with her? Or, is this even a struggle for you at all anymore?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  5.  #5Daria on August 14, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    ok so another man contacts me online. i like him and feel attracted to him. so i tell him this. i just told him right now that i was just thinking aobut him before he wrote me (i was).

    he says… yeah right! i noticed he always does this!!

    so i said

    i feel weird
    i noticed that everytime i say something nice to you i get brushed off
    it feels kinda weird
    whatsup

    so he says
    im not brushing you off i just dont believe u

    (part of me feels good he doesnt, because it makes me feel like he thinks im like way too awesome or something, but part of me feels weird)

    so i said
    i dont have to lie to u

    so he says ok it feels good u wer thinking about me

    what do u think? about this?



  6.  #6Symantha on August 14, 2009 at 2:40 pm

    WOW



  7.  #7Daria on August 14, 2009 at 9:00 pm

    Rori – can you please do a post on Powerlessness and what to do with it, how to embrace it?

    I just did a long EFT session on powerlessness and trying to release it.

    I realize it comes up so often for me, from little things like not being able to reach far enough for something, to not being able to fall asleep, to not being able to do what i want, to connecting with powerlessness in the world like people in prisons or being attacked…

    i think this was one of my themes, like you said it was “i’m not enough”

    it feels like sadness but quiet resigned kinda pout, sometimes only a few tears come out, it makes me want to die because i feel so limited and powerless being human and i imagine that dead i would not feel limited this way, it feels like being tight in my lips and mouth especially



  8.  #8Daria on August 14, 2009 at 9:29 pm

    The Emotional Guidance Scale

    1. Joy/Appreciation/Empowered/Freedom/Love
    2. Passion
    3. Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
    4. Positive Expectation/Belief
    5. Optimism
    6. Hopefulness
    7. Contentment
    8. Boredom
    9. Pessimism
    10. Frustration/Irritation/Impatience
    11. Overwhelment
    12. Disappointment
    13. Doubt
    14. Worry
    15. Blame
    16. Discouragement
    17. Anger
    18. Revenge
    19. Hatred/Rage
    20. Jealousy
    21. Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness
    22. Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness

    Abraham Hicks emotional scale… Find the emotion i’m feeling, then think a thought that takes me one or two rungs up!

    ie… what if me being attracted to my best friend’s boyfriend is actually Good for her, him, me and their relationship, as well as my relationship with them. Maybe it means he’s a good man, and also that I am getting to heal a trauma pattern from my past, after all i didn’t act on the attraction in a way that felt bad. woo hoo.



  9.  #9Daria on August 14, 2009 at 9:30 pm

    I feel excited to heal this “threesome” trauma pattern like Erika has. yay.



  10.  #10Tina on August 14, 2009 at 10:38 pm

    Daria,

    I feel powerless in a lot of ways, I grew up with trauma, feeling powerless was normal for me. My sense of powerlessness came from fear of expressing my own needs (abuse/neglect/whatever/pick one.) I learned to fear even to “feel” my own needs for ex. admitting to myself that I needed something. I had to get really HONEST with myself about what my needs are. I would get involved in relationships and FEEL exploited in some way by the men I became involved with. I dont like that word EXPLOITED yucky. My relationship became 99% of my focus , my life became 1% . I felt immobilized. I can honestly say now I feel such relief that I ended my relationship. My life is important to me, not crumbs that someone is throwing at me or I have to steal. I really struggle with what I DESERVE ugh! I struggle with it daily. I DESERVE to be happy, not in a selfish self centred way of course. I dont want to hurt others in my journey with my two horses lol. Right now me and my horses are kinda getting used to each other, hanging out in the fields, you know…

    I have accomplished many things, just I felt it was always a struggle to get what I want/need. Why do I have to be a crumb stealer lol. I expect more from myself from now on.



  11.  #11Daria on August 14, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    What to Do When Your Love’s Left You
    (or the universe has otherwise brought you grief)
    1. Honor your enemies.
    It is they who make you strong and wise. (But see #4.)

    2. Define your own reality.
    Let no one tell you what to think, how to act, nor how you are supposed to feel.

    3. The heart cannot be broken.
    Only the barriers that protect the heart from the pain of life can be broken. Although never sought, heartache can be seen as a deep opening of the heart.

    4. Do not be kind.
    Honor the love you shared; be decent in all your actions, but recognize that in these circumstances, kindness is a lie.

    5. Cut all energetic bonds between you.
    They can be used to manipulate you and hurt you further. If there is to be reconciliation, let it be from new material, not the re-engagement of the previous energies.

    6. Think of yourself first for one full year; beginning right now.

    7. Let go. Give up. Die. (But don’t really kill yourself, please!) The earth will recycle you. Lay down on her and pour your pain into her. Envision yourself as a dead body. Let yourself be eaten by the beetles and worms and excreted as manure for the plants which are eaten by people like you. It all goes round, so let go. Let go of blame. Let go of shame. Let go of guilt.

    8. Smile. Even if you don’t feel like it. Smiling–the actual tightening of the muscles involved in making a smile–causes the release of feel-good chemicals (endorphins) in the brain. When in pain, remember, smiling is more effective than drink or drugs.

    From Susun Weed’s writings…

    I feel conflicted about number 8. Smile when I don’t feel like it… hmm… I feel rebellious…



  12.  #12Daria on August 14, 2009 at 10:46 pm

    Tina – thank you for writing.

    I see u as a self-satisfied, powerful, creative Goddess, who is unafraid to be herself and do her powerful magic. I see it in everything you do and describe, from the tomato garden to the way you relate to your men, that you are enough being you to yourself… I feel such a self reliance from you, and vitality and physical green juice strength flowing in you hehe… I don’t know about green but I mean strength like a woman’s strength, flexibility, stamina, Spring… like a panther or a deer…

    sometimes i feel intimidated by you because i see you as so independent and powerful hehe



  13.  #13Tina on August 14, 2009 at 11:00 pm

    You can still do the “sexy beast” thing lol.



  14.  #14Nancy on August 14, 2009 at 11:18 pm

    Wow! Justin is a talented and inspiring writer. I love the feeling quality of what he’s saying… the way he uses intangible/feel only stuff like your “you-ness”. We all have that, don’t we? That place we can come from that’s really us and only us? You can only be in it and feel it to truly experience it. It’s hard to describe with words and I think he’s done a great job. Thanks for reminding me of my “me-ness”, Justin. I’m going to feel my way to my me-ness five times a day for the next week so I can feel the joy of that.



  15.  #15Tina on August 14, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    Daria,
    Thank you, I painted my walls a neutral green color this spring.



  16.  #16Tina on August 14, 2009 at 11:43 pm

    Daria,

    not for your feeling intimidated though lol. Were all here looking for some sort of positive direction. I feel and this is no lie , your kinda psychic in a way lol.



  17.  #17Tina on August 15, 2009 at 12:00 am

    I mean like very intuitive, I feel intimidated by my intuitiveness. I was singing that song all day by ABBA “Fernando” lol. just humming the tune, its stuck in my head lol.



  18.  #18Tracy on August 15, 2009 at 1:55 am

    I like the post!I always feel triggered by experiences where the guy breaks up with a woman he truly loved and takes a while before getting over her….I always wonder how these women really manage to do that….not that its a good thing but i always feel triggered their way of being…
    I am feeling very conflicted today and i feel that i am really making a breakthrough in my life and going deeper into my feelings…I have been practicing with dating and i realized that i really did fear intimacy and being close to someone and making a relationship work…I don’t have the fear anymore and i feel that i am ready to start a good relationship with a good man…i feel more confident and i love my confidence…
    I am going for a dinner dance today and i hope to practice enjoying myself,being in the moment and having a good time…



  19.  #19gina on August 15, 2009 at 2:08 am

    i’m curious to learn more about jerks!! What is a jerk, anyway. Sometimes I think a guy is a jerk, but then I get all confused, cause that’s not all that he is – it seems that I have a hard time dismissing a jerk when i meet one.



  20.  #20alias girl on August 15, 2009 at 2:19 am

    thank you justin for your insightful and delightful post!

    i feeel curious of the men who have crashed on the shores of siren island. i guess that would make it paradise island now. 🙂



  21.  #21gina on August 15, 2009 at 2:27 am

    hmmm…
    I feel like talking more about ‘jerk’ behaviour I’ve encountered lately, and I’d love to know if others would agree that I am correct in my estimation.

    1. My boss who is having relationships with multiple women at my work. On the one hand, I’m thinking “JERK!!” but on the other hand, I think “yeah, but how dumb are the girls (including me!) for getting involved with him – he wears red flags like they’re fashionable.

    2. A guy I met at the new place where I work – actually he’s a cousin of the aforementioned jerk (a fact which absolutely makes me think twice – but I am attracted to him, and if he was showin me real love, then who cares about my past with my boss). He told me that he’s superior to most people. He’s smarter, taller, stronger…just better than the vast majority of humans. And he wishes it wasn’t so…but that’s the reality. So, the human race is screwed – everything sucks and it always will. Sounds like a jerk to me.

    3. Another guy that I work with at the new place. We were talking about how beer advertisements match the quality of beer… like Coor’s = mountain fresh. BudLight =history/those horses. Corona=refreshing beach… We agreed that Miller Light ads are sort of generic partying – they don’t have much of a distinct personality. I said “miller light is like generic sexy partying. like Dallas” He said “Why’d you have to bring Dallas into it? Who do you think YOU are?” I was like whoa. Then later we were talking about politics and he found out who I’m into and he said “ugh…only weirdos and hippies are into him. Are you a weirdo or a hippie?”
    Eventually, he did lighten up in terms of his rudeness and I felt heard by the end of the conversation. It was also nice that he walked me home. Was he rude because I was venturing into opinion territory? It bugs me that I can’t share what i think with guys without them getting all crazo. Okay, so fine, I was being opinionated, but doesn’t a non-jerk know how to handle a woman better than this insulting “jerk”?



  22.  #22Nonny Miss on August 15, 2009 at 6:29 am

    I felt hopeful when I read Fernando saying “Only when you learn to love not only your happy emotions but also your “negative” emotions can you feel fully into life.” It made me feel hopeful because I take it as a “how to”, how to feel more and and how to know what I’m feeling (because if I’m loving it I won’t be hiding from it) and how to express it to other people.

    Can’t wait to read “How to Spot a Jerk.” Rori talks about paying attention to how a man makes you feel, especially how he makes you feel about yourself and I realize that if I had done this in the past it would have protected me from some awful men. Feelings are the best thing ever. I feel like I’ve discovered the key to a treasure, it is very exciting.



  23.  #23Daria on August 15, 2009 at 8:25 am

    HEy… i had forgotten how weird i feel when older men oogle me or just look at me on the street and i think they are oogling or about to… welll i realized that is fear, and realizing that i feel less scared than i have ever felt in my life…

    i used to feel self conscious here because some past experiences of men grabbing me or following me around, now i realize that i dont have to be scared and its not happening any more

    also im working and suceeding on trusting my own self… example i dont ask .. im gonna go out ok… i just say im going out… or im gonna dress like this what do u think… i just ask myself this same question

    also i felt shocked and upset and angry that my mom yelled at me for somethign that didnt rreally feel like my fault (me ringing the doorbell several times and she had to come out the bathroom to open the door)…

    i can say… wow i feel shocked… i feel bad that you are upset and … now i feel furious.. i dont like being talked to that way!

    i feel so excited that i came up with this speech for next time, evn though this time i kinda got quiet and defensive and revengeful, which i took out my revenge by creating my own separate account on the computer when before we shared one and that feels really amusing rihgt now and i guess a pretty safe and appropriate revenge haha



  24.  #24Daria on August 15, 2009 at 8:27 am

    gina who are you into? (if u want to tell) i feel worried sometimes that people will think im a hippy and weird too…

    i decided to reframe and now

    ima magic medicine woman goddess… hehe..



  25.  #25Daria on August 15, 2009 at 9:09 am

    ok Confession time… Tina i guess the intimidated a little came from once where you said my riffs sound kinda crazy/weird/strange… (i forgot what but that’s what I in my triggerness heard) but i give really good advice,

    so i felt great that i give good advice and i felt insecure a little about my riffs and felt a tiny bit resentful and judgemental back about that and then realized that whoa i wouldnt want Goddess Tina turning against me because she is not afraid to speak her mind

    more confessing:

    no pause… i feel so sad and crying about people who died in a car accident its been on the news here for 3 days and now they showed their family memebers crying and talking about it ohhh… i feel racked… i feel so good that i can cry i feel so alive

    ok

    i want to confess more: i felt insecure again when on the questions for rori thread i read from Flipper (I wonder if Flipper is reading this, I’m hoping she is) that she said she is doing the Daria by giving advice and she meant it in a good way, and i felt flattered, i also felt insecure like oh no am i known for giving advice that could be bad like meddling… and i felt a little judgemental again

    also i still remember from the past i still feel guilty when i said i had felt angry at receiving some advice from Caj13 … ahhh i feel so guilty because i remmber her feeling hurt by that and angry was kinda stronger than what i felt i felt a little resentful at that time and now i feel uncomfortable i feel guilty aaah i dont want to hurt anyone

    ok that’s my confession here for now i intend this to help me grow stronger and have better relationships with people

    i feel worried now everyone will be scared to say something about me or give advice and i dont want that, i feel ok with being triggered in this way it is helping me enormously

    thank you for hearing me



  26.  #26Daria on August 15, 2009 at 9:12 am

    what do u guys think of this confession stuff? is it good to say something or not… my guess is yes…

    uhh… obviously since i said something haha… i trust myself so this is healing for me

    also i get SO triggered sometimes when my mom teaches me something or tries to give me advice i feel like she’s saying that im not doing it good enough or not as good as her and like i have no privacy and my boundaries aren’t respected AGH i feel hot with FURY i see now this comes from a past trauma aha! this can be EFTd yay



  27.  #27gina on August 15, 2009 at 10:31 am

    Daria your confessions sound cleansing. To me they sound like they are about you and not whoever said whatever triggerred you. However, if I was in your confession, I’m sure I’d have an emotional reaction that would be an opportunity to be affected by another human being, which is what relationships are, so I would consider it a good thing – even if it made me uncomfortable.

    About those guys. I guess I’m attracted to all 3 of those guys, but I want to dismiss them because I think they are jerks. I feel a little confused about that.



  28.  #28Fernando on August 15, 2009 at 10:35 am

    Mercedes: I still struggle to remain open. Thinking about it, I might have rephrased the sentence about my ex using my openness to hurt me. She hurt me, and it was my openness that allowed it to sting, just as it was the openness to allow our relationship to be so wonderful. I find that if I accept that some day everything ends, so I have to enjoy any moment for everything it has to offer, even when a relationship ends, I’m happier for having lived the moments with that person with all that I had.

    Daria: I actually screen for people that can take compliments. If someone continually brushes them off, especially if we’re at all close, then that to me is a sign of insecurity. Insecurity is really insidious in the subtle way it can manifest and destroy the beautiful things in our lives. Not being able to take a compliment is a HUGE red flag for me. You deserve a guy who loves himself so that he can better love you.

    Gina: To me, a jerk is a low self-esteem guy. People who are judgmental and don’t allow other’s opinions are trying to compensate for what they feel are their own shortcomings. Also, “players,” men who sleep around we anything that walks at the expense of the other person’s feelings and self-esteem are also compensating for something they feel they lack. Obviously, empty sex never fulfilled anyone, so they tend to just try harder instead of trying something else that works. (*cough* EFT *cough* 😉 )

    Sounds like you have a few of these men in your life.

    To the Sirens in General: Thank you SO much for the compliments! I’m honored to be a part of this island, and I’m glad I can help you guys, and I love how receptive you are to my posts. I feels wonderful to be in the midst of all this lovely feminine energy!



  29.  #29gina on August 15, 2009 at 10:48 am

    thanks Fernando – I like what you said about how jerky behaviour comes from insecurities. I’m thinking that responding honestly is the only thing to do. I’m also thinking that having super strong boundaries is important. With these guys, I feel sucked into their neediness inspite of myself. I want to feel attracted to a big strong secure man.



  30.  #30Fernando on August 15, 2009 at 10:59 am

    I totally agree. Jerks freak out if they hit a boundary they can’t get around. A really confident guy respects girls who have strong rules she lives by, so he won’t freak out, instead he’ll actually be turned on more by your boundaries.



  31.  #31Tina on August 15, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    Daria,

    I’ve come to understand that after I allow myself to feel what I am feeling I am better able to understand myself in a lot of ways. I feel less judgemental, insecure what negative feelings I am feeling at the time. I feel more confident when after Ive done a few tools. I remember asking myself “what is she doing?’ then as I followed along on the posts, I came to understand oh that is what she is doing (riffing.) kinda like oh she is going there,fearless. That deep dark yucky place I feel. ok cool, allowing it to take you on that journey and coming out completely ok, even better, I just love that. I am just bringing myself there in my body, where I feel worthlessness and these feelings of not deserving, I hate that feeling, I realized I wake up every day with feelings of worthlessness or some negetive feeling, at some point in my early waking time , I feel those feelings for a few secs, kind of like setting the tone for my day, life, I’m making fast changes, once I know what I need to do, I just do it, the exercises are great! This all in just a few weeks. Ive learned a lot about my own sense of powerlessness, just from yesterday to today, just from reading your stuff and riffing your doing. I dont know if that makes sense.



  32.  #32DocK on August 15, 2009 at 1:16 pm

    Hmmmm – find myself ruminating on these issues…

    I can take a compliment, I love compliments, BUT I have suffered from low self-esteem. I have done a lot of work on myself over the years and I have learned to work through it and to not act out in drama BUT it is in there and it makes me feel sad and embarrassed : ( but feeling sad and embarrassed is exactly what has propelled me to work on it – to not just accept it and say, ‘that’s just how I am.’

    I also feel bad reading about how you were hurt. There was a time I think I truly believed that men didn’t really fall in love. Honestly! With all the bravado and braggadocio of some men regarding women and how they can take ’em or leave ’em attitude, I just didn’t take them seriously. I know that someone I was with got hurt by me, he was a really good guy and wanted marriage and babies and I didn’t. We didn’t have contact for many years – wasn’t like I kept him around in my life intentionally – but he helped my mom (as he was close to the family) and eventually caught up with me again and I know he has dated, of course, and had relationships but he never has married or had children and we split up in 1986. I feel bad but he has to be responsible for his choices, I just don’t like it if I was a part of his choice to close down.

    I choose to love myself in spite of my imperfections because I love plenty of other folks in my life in spite of theirs LOL.

    I feel happy. I feel much more confident and sexier than ever (even though I just turned 49!!!!). I feel prosperous and fortunate and I love doing most of the things that fill my life – my passions.

    I feel happy “Fernando” that you are still open even after being hurt. I believe the best, most amazing, playful, sexy, healthy, prosperous, deep relationship is on its way to you. : )



  33.  #33Ann on August 15, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    I just found this post. Fernando/Justin(which do you prefer) I’ll confess a little here also, I often call you Justin because that name triggers me LOL. The first time I responded to you my daughter said it’s a wonder you’d even talk to a guy named Justin long story. But I’ll call you whichever you prefer.

    I understand this grey area, I’ve lived there most of my life. I can be triggered into the grey area but I’m working on it. Great post thank you for sharing.

    Daria I feel confession is good for all. If I may, I don’t know your mother but I am a mother. As a mother, I often say things trying to keep my children from making the same mistakes I did, to teach them and because I love them and don’t want to see them hurt. Not because I was trying to control them or thought they weren’t good enough.

    I’m well on my way to learning when they fall, if they want my help they’ll ask for it. BTW both my children are grown, it’s a mother thing we always want to help our kids. But sometimes the best ways I’ve found to help is to do nothing. Hope that makes sense.

    As always you ladies and gents are inspiring.



  34.  #34Daria on August 15, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    omgosh i forgot how uptight some ppl can be!

    today was the festival and i got some glow in the dark little pink horns to wear, because they were selling them on every corner…

    then me and my friend went 2 blocks down to an outside cafe, and she didnt want to wear them she felt embarassed…

    EVERYONE stared at me wearing them in the cafe… i felt really tightetened up and judged, like back in middle school, it felt like one of those movies with snobby people

    my friend felt really uncomfortable but i didnt take them off the whole nite

    i am going to have fun even if people are so worried about beign judged! oh well! judge me for wearing pink glowing horns i got at the fair 2 blocks away… haha…

    i feel proud of myself for wearing them. it was a big deal. i mean the whole cafe literally was staring at and talking about me, a big cafe with people trying to look all fancy… haha

    i feel all superior but also i feel proud, in the past i would have caved … or felt super uncomfortable or adjusted myself… (like i guess its not ok to wear these here) oh well… not now.. i am being open and not into being snobby…

    i feel proud being judged because it makes me feel even more important



  35.  #35Daria on August 15, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    Tina! wow you too! I wake up in the morning and then i feel myself going to stuckness and unworthiness too! well at least i was feeling it for awhile, for the past two weeks i too have been practicing switching the vibe, i am trying to create the life i want and realizing that i AM good as i am and i dont have to take anyone else’s opinion on it

    so im wearing pink horns

    i wonder if guys felt uncomfortable, one seemed kinda iffy about taking me to the bathroom

    i dont know if that pushes them away, i would think not since i am being myself, but when i was young my cousin would say to act more restrained, because i am so wild and non conventional… i now have decided i probably lost out on a lot of fun because of it and am not gonna lose out on any more



  36.  #36Tina on August 15, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    I dug out my yoga dvd, wow I’m getting in shape for pole dancing, my list of gifts for myself.

    pole for pole dancing
    kayak
    pin up bathing suit – in red.

    I want to look and feel like Dock when I’m 49!



  37.  #37Daria on August 15, 2009 at 3:52 pm

    i am afraid to make 5 second eye contact with men im not attracted to and women… im afraid they will come up to me and think i Am attracted to them sexually and women might just think im weird…

    hmmm… EFT? maybe?

    i feel the resistance



  38.  #38Ann on August 15, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    This has NOTHING to do with this post. I need help from the bloggers here. I’m drawing a mental block and can’t find what I’m looking for or even what it’s called ughhh. I’d like to post some more new posts to my blog to update later. But I can’t find the place(or whatever it’s called) to set the time and date it should publish the post. Help!!!



  39.  #39Robin on August 15, 2009 at 10:53 pm

    Im not sure if this is the best place to post this, but I feel like I just got bashed in the circular dating thing

    Let me rewind a little and start from the top, last Sat. night I went to a concert, Im standing just a few feet from the foot of the stage, the band was GREAT, and I really wanted to meet the lead singer and give him my card.

    So I was trying to make my way to him, and I didn’t have to, he came up to me and introduced himself.

    We exchanged business cards, and when he saw that I sing, he asked me to come wing with the the following Sat( today) at a private event

    And of course, Im over the moon, I mean, how does that kind of thing happen??

    Well, after having to reschedule a date and cut another one short, download the music, and spend 5 hrs. waiting through sound chk, downtime, etc, I didn’t get to sing, the band thought the crowd would not receive the music well, so they cut it short.

    The lead singer apologized profusely, and We basically agreed to keep in touch and work something out so I could sing, I told them I would let them make it up to me lol ( half-jokingly)

    Well here’s the kicker…Im already feeling silly because honestly, if I had not been asked to sing, I would have been somewhere else…

    and as Im leaving I roll down my car window to tell the lead singer that I will be emailing my repertoire list, and he leans in, and Im like ‘ok whats he doing?’ and he kissed my cheek , and I think ‘ok, no big deal, I know a lot of people that say hello and goodbye this way, its cultural’ and then he starts trying to kiss my mouth, and I started talking so he’d stop, b/c Im pretty sure the lady I met backstage who was wearing a ring, that he was with, is either his wife or gf…

    So I stopped him, and said I’ll email you…and I got so confused I turned down the wrong side of the street into oncoming traffic, and all of this happened right in front of the band….so Im feeling pretty weird right now…Well f$^% IT iM A GODDESS, I can do anything…

    Its ok…but seriously, Im not sure I want to work with this guy anymore…I just feel awful and guilty, his wife or gf was so nice, and we really hit it off….

    And to top THAT off, b/c I was preparing for this, I was late to my date sat afternoon, we go sit down for lunch, Im STARVING, so I order something, and he just orders OJ and when the bill comes, he asks me ‘Do you want to split the bill?” and I said no, not really…why do you ask? He says ‘well I though we would just pay for whatever we ordered” which 75% of it was mine, so I said I didnt hav e enough on me, and he tell me I can pay him back, so I ask him if women in his country pay their own way and he said until there is some kind of commitment, yes they do…

    So now I need to prepare a speech surrounding how I am not going to be paying him back….



  40.  #40Robin on August 15, 2009 at 11:01 pm

    All kinds of things are going through my mind…what if someone tells his wife/gf? what if he’s truly single and thats not his wife/gf and I just turned into a cactus? what if I came across as shutting down?

    OMG I switched schedule around thinking I was gonna be singing with them…and I feel walked all over, am I turning into a doormat again?

    Did he only ask me to sing b/c ??? I dont even know what Im trying to say here….



  41.  #41Daria on August 16, 2009 at 1:26 am

    Robin – you’re being majorly triggered. Take a break. Relax. Rest.

    It will all clear out.

    These triggers are good for you to work out your boundaries clearly. They’re stirring up a lot of feelings that are feeling uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed… really OVERWHELMED just imagining myself in your shoes

    so I would say take it easy… congratulations for handling this so great Goddess

    and i feel so angry and turned off at the lunch thing… i have a guy who i went out with once recently who is like.. i always buy lunch and don’t even get to make out with you,… will you get me plane tickets to romania etc…

    ive started telling him ew that feels gross i feel turned off

    or i dont like it when men complain about paying it makes it doesnt feel romantic and i feel icky

    ive had to make 3 or 4 of these comments in a 5 minute online convo already

    i guess some guys just have their own “issues” with this stuff and it’s up to me to be honest and authentic so they can face them… what a helpful Goddess I am hehe

    also ew that guy with the girlfriend…

    i would say i felt so uncomfortable when you tried to kiss me, I thought that … was your gf? I really liked her! and don’t feel comfortable starting a romantic thing with a man in a relationship.



  42.  #42Daria on August 16, 2009 at 1:30 am

    PS Robin – rescheduling stuff so you can sing is definitely all about you and not about him… so of course you would have done something else with your time had you known it wasn’t going to happen



  43.  #43Daria on August 16, 2009 at 1:31 am

    PPS – on all the what ifs on your last post!

    What stuck me the most was… that … what if ANY of those things were to happen?

    YOU WOULD BE TOTALLY OK!!!



  44.  #44gina on August 16, 2009 at 1:47 am

    Okay so I realized that the type of jerk that I need to be able to “spot” is the type that is always looking for the next best thing. The other guys that I mentioned have their issues, but my boss who goes after anything with legs is the one true jerk (as far as I know so far) – he says all the right things, but it’s just because he wants one thing. That’s the kind of guy I’d like to be able to spot and avoid. The others may not be “the one,” but their quirks provide opportunities to deal with humanity. His approach of giving the old bait and switch is baaaad news, and makes me feel angry and bitter towards men in general. I’d like to avoid men like him in the future.



  45.  #45Katja on August 16, 2009 at 1:47 am

    DocK,happy belated birthday! I just visited your site – you look fabulous!!! I feel curious about you after reading your name. Do you come from somewhere in eastern europe originally?

    Lots of love and happiness,
    Katja



  46.  #46alias girl on August 16, 2009 at 2:33 am

    so i am cleaning my slate. i am a new person. i am vibrating differently. i have stronger, more clear boundaries. i am in touch with my feelings.

    and the old ways and old FAKE relationships just don’t work for me anymore. my ex just called. i told him i need to be done. i need to cut him out. i don’t want to be someone’s side dish. i don’t want to live in fantasy and denial. i told him i felt stupid and jealous and taken advantage of.

    rori is right. a man in a relationship that is cheating is just using the other woman to be able to survive the relationship.

    i told him I DON’t want to be that woman. I DON’T WANT TO BE THAT WOMAN. i am not. i will not.

    fyi we really haven’t even been sexual mostly it is an emotional FANTASY relationship. i don’t even talk to him that often but when i do he acts like i am the love of his life. AND I WOULD SAY OBVIOUSLY THAT IS NOT THE CASE.

    anyway he ended up getting angry with me and hanging up on me. which sucks becuase i feel like he’l just call later. i am done. he is manipulating me to not respect my wishes and i will not allow myself to be manipulated. i am done.

    and i am almost done with my other ex also. i feel truthful this time. i really feel capable of real human relationships. i don’t need email penpals on the dating site. i don’t need cyber sex, rose-withholding man. i don’t need unavailable cheating man. and i don’t need whiney wounded man who is occassional penis guy.

    becuase i am meeting the love of my life sometime within the next 27 days and i need a clean slate. and i need to be wide open. I NEED ROOM ON MY FREAKING HORSE. i don’t know even what the horse metaphor is so maybe i used that wrong but i feel i am being pertty clear here.

    you see, because i have shifted HUGELY inside. i am all about bliss and boundaries and real intimacy and fun and respect and prosperity and integrity.

    ok. thank you.



  47.  #47Jennifer on August 16, 2009 at 3:57 am

    hello Sirens, and Fernando; Welcome.

    I feel bitter……and resentful….and totally PO’d. I’m working on loving these feelings because they show me where a boundry line should be, but it’s hard. As the oldest daughter of an alcoholic and my mother ( I really don’t know which one is worse) trying to set boundries has resulted in powerful backlash in the past. So it hasn’t been safe to have boundries (ooo…there’s an EFT-able satement).
    But I just feel so angry. I feel like since my boyfriend has gone into the military I have been giving…and supporting…and allowing for…and cutting some slack becuase of ….and understanding. And now I feel all used up.
    Now I need some understanding and supporting and giving and …… you guessed it. Nada.
    He literally doesn’t show up. I need to move out of my parent’s house. Where I moved last year when he went because we figured it would only be 6 months until the training was done.
    They are toxic and judgemental and nasty. So I need to move, while working and dealing with my health issue.
    So when his leave started yesterday he figured it would be a good time to stay on base an extra day to lay around watching movies in his room.
    I feel unsupported and furious and like I’m being treated very casually.
    I feel left alone and angry and resentful. I don’t want to attack him or pick at him or quietly build up the anger until I pop like I have in the past. At the same time I feel like I would just love to smack his face!
    Honest to god sirens ( and fernando) What is a girl to do?
    I’m working on feeling statements but they don’t feel like enough. I want to throw things.



  48.  #48Daria on August 16, 2009 at 3:58 am

    i feel exhausted. I feel angry that my mom interrupted me to set up the tv when i was working on an important online project for business…

    she probably doesnt know i am and was thinking that im doing nothing important

    i feel angry but instead i said ok and helped with an attitude, and then helped to eat, and now i feel exhausted and angry

    i feel disappointed



  49.  #49Daria on August 16, 2009 at 3:59 am

    Jennifer… how about I FEEL FURIOUS!!!



  50.  #50Jennifer on August 16, 2009 at 4:04 am

    Daria…thanks for the advice
    Feeling statements don’t feel like enough. I did them before when he went to a birthday party instead of coming home while I was very ill. Apparently it didn’t register that I need to feel prioritized.



  51.  #51Daria on August 16, 2009 at 4:28 am

    Jennifer… sounds like Circular Dating is what’s missing.



  52.  #52Jennifer on August 16, 2009 at 4:40 am

    Daria,
    I feel like that might be the answer too. But I feel very conflicted about circular dating. It feels like cheating to me to see other men.
    I feel good about dating myself. So I’ve been working on that. However I did feel guilty about some of that too. I went to see a museum exhibit with my sister that I had mentioned to boyfriend. Then felt guilty for weeks afterward.
    It seems anytime I’m not giving and giving I feel guilty.
    I guess that this is EFT-able too.



  53.  #53Flipper on August 16, 2009 at 6:23 am

    Hi Daria –

    Thanks for your comments, and as you thought, what I meant about you was good. I’ll answer later when I have more time, but just want to say 2 things now: first I so admire the risks you take; and second, that everything I write on here is first and foremost for Myself (yay me, it’s okay to think, feel, say that: Me First, because I AM unavoidably about ME, no matter what else is going on). When I’m linking it to someone else’s stuff, I always intend and hope that others will not feel that it’s written at their expense, and that even if they (or I) get triggered , that we will feel something good out of it at some point.

    Enjoy you big Romanian hugs – I know that people can be very warm and emotional there. I’m a member of a group with some links to Transylvania, so maybe I can get there and experience them myself.



  54.  #54Fernando on August 16, 2009 at 6:33 am

    Ann: You may call me whatever you wish. On these boards, I’ll post with equal eagerness to either name being called, so long as it’s often! 😉

    I’m sorry to hear that someone has soiled one of my good names for you. It’s such a nice name, my parents chose it especially for me, so it’s sad to see it tarnished with bad people.

    Especially since I totally agree with your advice to Daria. Great minds… 🙂

    Jennifer: First, my sister’s name is also Jennifer, and she ALSO just had a boyfriend who went into the military. Funny how that all worked out. Actually, the issues are sort of similar for her.

    The military can be like a gang or something, it seems to suck the attention of it’s recruits, until they neglect the rest of their lives, much to the chagrin of terribly wonderful women who are willing and able to support them as long as due attention is paid.

    I’m actually in total agreement with the idea of you circular dating. If you haven’t let him know that this is what you’re going to do, then it’s cheating, but if you’re honest about it, (without being too details) then I don’t see any morality issues.

    Barring that, (because he may feel like you’re trying to move the intimacy backwards, so you risk ending the relationship) I’d have a speech with him. He’s probably so busy being a soldier that he isn’t even aware of your feelings. Us guys tend to not be able to notice emotions as well as women, so you may have to be explicit sometimes. If he’s a man worth talking to, he’ll appreciate your honesty and the hint.



  55.  #55Rori Raye on August 16, 2009 at 11:19 am

    Robin – I’m not sure how experienced you are professionally as a singer, but in my days as a singer, actress, dancer – I ran into stuff like this all the time – men in positions to “help” my career who went through the motions of the “audition” or whatever it was and then hit on me. It’s like the cliche, and totally still true. I laughed when I read your account of feeling so flustered you tried to get out of there so fast you didn’t even know which direction you were heading in — I think you’re totally charming, and obviously, so does everyone else. Many men are fabulous and honorable, and many men use whatever power they have to get what they want. You’ll catch on faster next time and handle it with more ease…the thing is — these men CAN often help you…and so you have to learn how to work it yourself! One of the most helpful men in my career was interested in me, but thankfully shy, and many times I “blew” opportunities because I was flustered, like you, and didn’t handle it to my advantage, when a man was “coarse” and “in my face” – like this one was with you, or simply wasted opportunities with men I liked anyway. The more powerful they are, the smoother they are…the “casting couch” will always be a staple of the entertainment industry, and many others, too. Naivete is charming, but it won’t get you what yuo want, and it won’t make you feel solid inside. to pursue a life in the entertainment industry – you need moxie – and my wish for you is to figure that out as a “girl” — totally powerful place to be. Oh…don’t worry about the money thing…he’s absolutely right about different rules in different countries. In Canada and Germany – splitting the check is often the “norm.” Just say that in your world – the man pays traditionally, but if you work it out between you it can either be that the person who asks for the date pays, or you can be merely friends…in other words, tell him how you like it, and let him negotiate, and make a deal if you want or don’t go out with him. The key here is TALKING –which you did great! Love, Rori



  56.  #56Daria on August 16, 2009 at 1:34 pm

    I wanna figure out moxie as a girl!



  57.  #57Daria on August 16, 2009 at 1:34 pm

    Actually I think I Do have some of it figured out hehe



  58.  #58Ann on August 16, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    Thank you Justin/Fernando. You seem like a good guy so I’m working on connecting the name Justin with a guy good in my mind. Hope you don’t mind me using(so to speak) you like that. 🙂

    Btw you might not of seen my question but could you help me please? I want to set some post up on my blog to post on another day and time but can’t find the place on blogger to set them. Do you(or anyone else please) know how to do it?

    Thanks



  59.  #59Fernando on August 16, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    Ann, I’d love to help you with your blog! I can be reached at beansarenotfruit at gee mail dawt komm. (Gotta keep the spam bots at bay.)

    Daria, your moxy is off the charts. It’s awesome!

    Robin, I’m sad you became so flustered, but I feel so close to you because you shared that! Your sweetness is wonderfully endearing, I hope you’re able to keep that with you.



  60.  #60Ann on August 16, 2009 at 4:53 pm

    Nevermind I was told how to set it.



  61.  #61Ann on August 16, 2009 at 4:57 pm

    AWW Justin I didn’t hit refresh on the page before I said nevermind. A lady I’m in another community with told me how. But I really appreciate your response. I like your email addy-so true.



  62.  #62Robin on August 16, 2009 at 6:11 pm

    Daria, thank you for spinning the idea of wasting my evening that way, yes I did put myself first thinking I was going to sing, so I feel happy that you gave me that perspective…

    and yes, I feel totally triggered…and totally confused…

    Fernando, thank you for your compliment…I want to keep my sweetness, but I really want some strength and boldness to really shine through along with that…its here with me, but its not as visible as I want to to be…

    Rori, thank you so much for your comment, and thank you for the compliment! I have no intention of leaving the entertainment industry, so I guess I need t learn how to handle these things Goddess-style….

    And of course this guy is absolutely GORGEOUS, its not that I didnt want him to kiss me (if he were available) he leaned in several times throughout the evening, and I grounded and stood there, but what threw me was the fact that it appears he’s unavailable…

    So Im feeling confused about something…at what point do you draw the line?? Obviously if a guy is engaged or married, then getting involved is working against you…

    I know Rori, you mentioned to drop him if he’s dating other women…

    But if we circular date til marriage is on the table (at least), if we are basically on the market til this happens, at what point do we say, ‘ok HE’S unavailable. HE’S off the market’??

    At what point do we decide that we dont want to get involved with a guy?

    And doesnt this contradict the idea of staying open and receptive to a man??

    My head feels like its spinning, I feel stuck and I feel disappointed

    I feel like Im always going to attract men who only want something from me, and that makes me feel scared..

    And on the other hand I feel relieved because I truly believe that some people will try to get things from you NO MATTER WHAT…because people do what they want, and sometimes its not your issues at work, but theirs..



  63.  #63Robin on August 16, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    Ok, Im going to email my repertoire list to him at some point, and then it will be up to him to take it from there

    After all, just because he wants something from me doesn’t mean I have to give him anything….

    My mom told me she wouldnt work with them, because I don’t need the drama..and I agree with her, but I dont have to partake in any drama that they bring with them…
    So it doesnt matter if THEY have drama..



  64.  #64Robin on August 16, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    I feel discouraged with the men who have been showing up lately…it feels like they are only trying to get something from me…and I feel scared that Im moving backwards..

    The quality of men seems to be going DOWN, not up, it was getting better, and now its just nose-diving..

    Rori, does the quality of men plateau somewhat before getting better?? Or am I plateauing somehow myself???



  65.  #65DocK on August 17, 2009 at 6:13 am

    Tina: Thank you for the compliment (like I said, I LOVE compliments) : )

    I’m excited that getting a pole is on your list.

    My fantasy is to go on a pole dancing world tour – some of the best dancers are in Australia and the UK.

    I am also interested in the “spot a jerk” post when it shows although I don’t think I have too much trouble spotting ’em. I once dated a guy (recently found me and “friended” me on FB) who, himself, would say, “I’m a jerk.” He was fun to play with – but that’s all. He once also said to me, “I will probably always be a little bit in love with you.” LOL Wooo hooo – hold the presses!! Truth is I think he was mainly just clueless and I wonder what he would be like with a woman “armed” with Rori’s tools.

    Some guys I have met that seem like jerks have been guys that had a lot of frustration and some anger at not being very successful with women. A few of them have turned out to actually be pretty good guys once they met someone special.

    Other guys seem like jerks but they are just so darned clumsy at approaching a woman and interacting that I think it is more this unnatural, inauthentic approach that is the turn-off and makes them seem “jerk-y.”

    I guess, for me, a guy is a jerk truly when he is just a player but not upfront about it and lies to make it seem like he is a good guy looking for something real when he just wants another notch on the belt. Nothing wrong with being at a place in your life where you just want to have fun – but be honest about it at least.

    I



  66.  #66DocK on August 17, 2009 at 7:19 am

    Katja: Thank you!!

    My father’s parents were from Poland and my mother’s parents were from Romania.



  67.  #67Mercedes on August 17, 2009 at 7:36 am

    Fernando: “Mercedes: I still struggle to remain open. Thinking about it, I might have rephrased the sentence about my ex using my openness to hurt me. She hurt me, and it was my openness that allowed it to sting, just as it was the openness to allow our relationship to be so wonderful. I find that if I accept that some day everything ends, so I have to enjoy any moment for everything it has to offer, even when a relationship ends, I’m happier for having lived the moments with that person with all that I had.”

    I loved that entire response…very, very much! Thank you!

    Alias Girl: You sound so strong! I loved reading your post. I’m picturing you as the absolute most powerful and confident woman in the world! I love it! Sometimes I feel exactly like what you wrote. Sometimes…not so much. I wish I could always feel that way and project that in my vibe…it was awesome to read. Thank you!

    Robin: “So Im feeling confused about something…at what point do you draw the line?? Obviously if a guy is engaged or married, then getting involved is working against you…

    I know Rori, you mentioned to drop him if he’s dating other women…”

    For me…if a man is seeing another woman (even if they aren’t exclusive and he’s still “free”), he’s unavailable. I say this because I have a very competitive nature and knowing that I am interested in a man but can’t see him tonight because he has a date with someone else triggers my competitive side and makes me crazy with wanting to “win”. I lose focus on me and what’s important to me and what I want to do with my life and I focus on “how the hell could he want to be with her instead of me tonight?” (not in a cocky way, just a genuine need to know “why” and what to “do” about it) and I find myself trying to “fix” that. I know everyone doesn’t have this issue, but I personally refuse to compete with another woman (and if he’s seeing someone else, it FEELS like a competition) and so…I walk away. That being said, I don’t know what the “right” answer is…that’s just me…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  68.  #68Mercedes on August 17, 2009 at 9:19 am

    Everyone: I have a situation that I’d like to know your thoughts/feelings on. Fernando…if you can weigh in, I’d really like to know what this feels like from a guys point of view.

    Over the last probably two or three months, it seems like I have more and more friends who are telling me that my relationship isn’t real. On here, we talk about imaginary relationships and a lot of my friends think that’s what I have. They’re saying J and I are playing like it’s real, but since we don’t want to marry each other and since things are “too perfect”, it’s not realistic. They’re saying that if a woman is truly, fully in love, she will want to marry the man she’s with and if she’s not feeling that way about him after all this time, she’s in denial about the fact that he’s not the right man for her. It’s like they’re telling me since he and I don’t argue (btw…I have a boundary that says I refuse to argue about anything…I tell him my feelings, but those aren’t up for debate, so I don’t argue with him…ever) that we’re not being real. Since we don’t fight, we must be “pretending” and that one of these days, we’re going to realize it and someone is going to get hurt.

    Anyway, for the most part, I just smile at them and shrug it off knowing that what I have is incredibly right for me. Lately (the last few weeks) I’ve been having to work harder at not buying into all of this. It’s not that I believe it, but there’s a small part of me (my feelings always start in my tummy and that’s where these feelings are) that is a bit tense and it sort of feels like I’m waiting for the shoe to drop or something to explode. I think maybe the feelings are coming from my anxiety about moving in with him (or my anxiety about moving in with him is causing these other fears…one of the two). It’s not huge, but the feelings are there.

    I talked to him about it, and he says he has absolutely no anxiety at all about us living together and thinks that many of my friends are jealous because they don’t have what I have. He says a lot of people are wanting to find something very wrong with us because it helps them feel better about the things that are wrong with their own relationships.

    I was traveling this weekend (met another blogger and had a WONDERFUL visit with her…really incredible) and he sent lots of texts to tease me and tell me he’s thinking of me and other stuff that displayed a little bit of insecurity and jealousy on his part (in a really healthy way) and I felt none of this over the weekend. As a matter of fact, it was so far from my mind that no matter how much I talked about him, I didn’t have to discuss these recent feelings because they simply were not there…at all. Then…this morning a friend called and some of that stuff came back.

    Anyway, how do you ladies and gent feel about this? I know a lot of it is a nasty voice of my own telling me I’m stressing/changing the relationship by moving in, but…I don’t know…

    thoughts?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  69.  #69DocK on August 17, 2009 at 7:28 pm

    Personal opinion – folks are jealous of what the two of you have. You went through A LOT to get to where you are now. It wasn’t handed to you. There are no guarantees in any relationship. Each has ups & downs. It’s just that you have the emotional, intellectual & spiritual capacity to manage through them. I say keep doing what you are doing; namely, trust yourself.



  70.  #70Linda G on August 17, 2009 at 7:48 pm

    This post actually just summed up my present dilemma. when Fernando/Justin said, a jerk is a guy who cannot handle it when he comes up against a stong boundary (I’m obviously paraphrasing here). This is exactly where I am with a new guy I liked. He could not handle my boundaries about it being too soon to be involved with my kids and that I would not drive to his house for the evenng. He feaked out for 3 days, completely! I was almost feeling guilty for turning away from a guy who seemed so into me.
    Thanks.



  71.  #71Fernando on August 17, 2009 at 8:46 pm

    I feel so manly being able to give advice that’s being asked of me! I love it!

    Mercedes: There’s 2 kinds of people in this world: crabs and eagles. Apparently, you know a bunch of crabs. If you throw crabs in a bucket, even almost to the top, they’ll never leave, because as they try to climb out, the other ones keep them all down.

    Sadly, there’s a lot of crabs in this world who will pull you down, and keep you from succeeding because they can’t escape their own whatever.

    However, some people are eagles, and they’ll be there to help you soar.

    I’m happy to hear that you’re in a relationship that makes you happy. My personal feeling is that if a relationship looks like it could be forever, or teaches you something, it should last. It sounds like this one is teaching you what a happy relationship feels like, and how people can react to it.

    More power to you!



  72.  #72Tracy on August 18, 2009 at 1:30 am

    Mercedes,
    I am still learning a lot from YOU and everyone else on this blog with regards to relationships so i don’t really have much experience with regards to this.
    All I know is that many of us me included were taught that relationship are supposed to be hard,and that its always supposed to be problems and difficulties and misunderstandings so when we see something wonderful and great it scares us and it doesn’t look real…because what we believe contradicts what we see…and we want to change that so it can align with what we believe….we want to convince ourselves that what we believe is right…and so we give judgment to prove it…
    so i say…go with what feels good for you because what ultimately matters is what makes you happy…
    i am learning that right now…that i create my own reality so i am using my own feelings to create a reality that feels good for me…and i would encourage anyone else to do the same…



  73.  #73Tracy on August 18, 2009 at 2:48 am

    Mercedes,
    Just to add from my experience,when i feel unsure about something based on what others have told me….for me i get triggered because i have a story running/a belief around that subject that does not align with how i feel…so I’d also take it as an opportunity to find why i feel unsure…Most times i have found the stuff is all about me..



  74.  #74Mercedes on August 18, 2009 at 6:18 am

    DocK, Fernando, Tracy: Thank you so much! I meditated on this last night and I do feel much better. Actually, it hasn’t been horrible anyway, like I said, I can usually just shrug it off, but for some reason, that call got to me yesterday. I needed reinforcement I and you all pulled through. Again, I really appreciate it.

    I talked to J about it again last night and he said “You need better friends”. Heehee…now I can tell him I HAVE better friends! 🙂 (a bunch of eagles here and the crabs – I’ll put them in that bucket and watch my eagle friends soar with me…Thanks Fernando…I like that analogy)

    Tracy: I agree….we create our own reality. That was something I learned as well (but…ummm…maybe forgot it for a minute..lol). It’s a very beautiful thing to discover that you can have what you want and be who you want. It’s also cool to discover that even though we create our own negative reality, because we created it, we can destroy it as well.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  75.  #75Terrance Thames on August 18, 2009 at 10:48 am

    Fernando- awesome post man! spot on

    “Anytime someone doesn’t like you, it’s because they don’t know or truly understand you.”

    Sounds familiar from a previous post 🙂 Thanks for having my back on that btw.

    Mercedes-It sounds like everybody said what I was going to say already but one thing I want to add too it.

    “They’re saying that if a woman is truly, fully in love, she will want to marry the man she’s with and if she’s not feeling that way about him after all this time, she’s in denial about the fact that he’s not the right man for her.”

    To me this seems like they are imposing their timeline on you. I have been triggered a lot both on here and in my personal life about my situation in this respect. Nobody knows your true timeline in which you want to get married, if ever, except for you. Vice versa with J. So what you aren’t married yet! You seem extremely happy and thats all that matters! Thats what I believe. Nobody seems to feel like my situation is real with Hill because it has taken me so long to decide and that I am draging things along or possibly leading her on, or that I probably never going to commit because I havent fit someone else’s percieved timeline. Well guess what I step up and claimed her last weekend after she showed me what I needed to see. Not marriage of course but exclusivity which is a huge step for me. So don’t give those “crabs” a second thought! You are well on your way 🙂



  76.  #76Mercedes on August 18, 2009 at 11:53 am

    Terrance: Thank you so much! I tell women all the time to not try to put their timeline into a guys life…but instead, make sure they are open to finding a guy who is already on the same (or at least a similar) timeline as theirs. I never applied this to someone else putting that timeline on a woman (me). It never occured to me. LOL Conditioning by society? “All women want to get married right away so what’s wrong with me or us when I don’t want it?” Haha! I see it so clearly now! Thank you!

    I’m very happy for you and Hill…she’s a lucky girl! I had to stick it out (waiting for the commitment from J) for a long time too and for me, it was well worth the wait. Besides that, I believe that when we “have to wait” for a man to do this for us (as a couple), it means more to him. Guys that don’t jump into a committed relationship off the bat are ones that have really thought about it, really have come to terms with what they want and really know deep inside themselves that they are making the right decisions. Truly am happy for the both of you and wish you the very best!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  77.  #77Terrance Thames on August 18, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    Thanks Mercedes. I appreciate that 🙂

    “I tell women all the time to not try to put their timeline into a guys life…but instead, make sure they are open to finding a guy who is already on the same (or at least a similar) timeline as theirs”

    I like this for some women but I’m glad that Hill didnt follow this for me because we would have never happened. Instead similar to that article where the man had a break down and she had to give him space. Hill gave me space to figure out what I wanted and to figure herself out as well. We were obviously on much different timelines and at some point different beliefs all together, but she had the patience to wait until I caught up to her. Even better, she found a way to speed up my time line to hers. It was really fascinating actually.
    I respect everybody’s timelines regardless of how long or short they are. As long as they respect mine as well. And if I love you/or you love me enough, we might just to make our timelines align.



  78.  #78DocK on August 18, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    I guess I’ll jump on the “timeline” conversation…

    I know there was a time that I assumed I would do the marriage and babies thing like most people – but somewhere along the line – that changed.

    Previously, I mentioned being with someone that wanted that and I let him go since I wasn’t there on that timeline. I have been with other men that wanted to get married as well and still wasn’t on the timeline.

    I think I am finally at the point that if it is important to the other person, I’ll consider it, but it just doesn’t seem to be anything I’m concerned with. Some people have suggested that I have been on my own for too long and too “set in my ways.” I don’t know. I did live with someone and I was surprised that it wasn’t difficult for me at all – we seemed to get along well (why we broke up is another whole long story).

    I think it is true that we always assume the woman wants to get married and it is the man doing the hesitating. Every time a woman is on some show or something and announces an engagment after many years someone always looks at the guy and says, “What took you so long (to propose)?” and I’m thinking to myself, ‘How do they know it wasn’t the woman that wanted to wait?’



  79.  #79Mercedes on August 18, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    Terrance:

    “Hill gave me space to figure out what I wanted and to figure herself out as well.”

    – This is much different than trying to make you move to something you weren’t ready to do. If she was using that space you needed to figure herself out, then she wasn’t WAITING, she was LEARNING. Really cool of her.

    “We were obviously on much different timelines and at some point different beliefs all together, but she had the patience to wait until I caught up to her. Even better, she found a way to speed up my time line to hers. It was really fascinating actually.”

    – Do you think she really “figured out a way”, or was it a matter of space and time? I know for J and I, it was the space and time. I didn’t move him to my timeline or figure out a way to convince him to do it. I moved myself toward my timeline and he wanted desperately to follow. He followed his own heart but he did not follow a “way” that I had set forth for him. I didn’t do anything except give him space and find myself.

    What do you think?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  80.  #80Linda G on August 18, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    Dock, I have several friends who never got married or had kids. I have come to realize that if they/we had wanted it to happen, it would have. Deep down we know when we are ready, what we want and we choreograph our lives around those wants and needs.

    For me, I had children at a time when I realized I didn’t want to be married, but I wanted to be a mother.



  81.  #81Terrance Thames on August 18, 2009 at 5:57 pm

    Mercedes-

    “If she was using that space you needed to figure herself out, then she wasn’t WAITING, she was LEARNING.”

    Actually it was a little bit of both here. She did wait and didn’t date anyone against my encouragement during this time. But she was also learning as well.

    You are right “found a way” was the wrong wording. I think it was more than just space and time though. She knew the way because I let her know what I needed for me to step up on several occasions. It took time and space and learning on both parts for her to be able to do it. Learning on her part to trust me enough to open up be vulnerable, and stand her ground, and learning on my part to create a safe place for that.

    I hope this helps 🙂



  82.  #82Rori Raye on August 18, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    Bravo Terrance! Rori



  83.  #83Marzhan on August 18, 2009 at 10:16 pm

    I’ve known Justin since the spring of 2004. I can’t believe how honest he was with this post. It’s always a pleasure finding a good read- and his are always inspiring.



  84.  #84Mercedes on August 19, 2009 at 6:28 am

    Terrance: It does. And I think it’s really wonderful…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  85.  #85tinque on August 23, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    Hey everyone. I made it. I drove cross country in six days with a one day stop on the way to meet a friend. It was an amazing life changing/growing experience about which I may post, or not. I’m still tired and winding down. I’ve been here since Tuesday evening but have not had internet connection. I still don’t, so I’m “borrowing” someone else’s bandwidth. It feels soooooo good to be with K again. It feels soooo good to be back in the area where I grew up, so familiar even though it’s been a very long time. I will likely feel differently after a winter.
    I know I’m late in posting this, but I will nonetheless.
    Mercedes – You know what I’m going to say. If you weren’t nervous about this move I would be more worried. It’s a huge deal. Remember what we talked about? It’s a normal response which may take awhile to sort through. You will feel strange and out of your element, but it will pass. It happened to me in much the same way though I did have the opportunity to bring some of my things such as furniture, and I did redecorate somewhat, or I should say for the first time.
    As for what others say. What are you doing listening to negative remarks? You know very well that it’s not only possible it’s a reality that one can evolve a “perfect” relationship. And it’s not the relationship that’s hard. It’s the work on self that hurts and creates resistances and thus is difficult. The relationship is easy. It flows naturally from the work on self. One’s partner will either grow with you or he won’t. You know yours has. TRUST in that.
    As for marriage. Remember what I said? As lovely as it sounds in romance novels and movies and such, it really is an artificially created social construct. You can be “married” without the papers. You know how my relationship is in this respect. I wouldn’t say no if he asked, but for both of us, it’s unnecessary. Our relationship is intense, strong, deeply intimate, and it couldn’t be more committed. We probably will get married one day but not for the pretty dress or the party or for religious reasons since neither one of us were raised with one. It would only be for legal convenience, for we’re getting to the point where it’s a hassle not being married, sometimes. It may or may not add a little something special, and it doesn’t matter. We already have something awesome, AS DO YOU. Don’t forget that.
    xxoo