How To Get Yourself Back If You Feel Lost Again

Untitled design (14)

Here’s a letter from Jen, who was doing great, and now feels all lost again:

“Rori, I need your help so desperately…

A year ago, I worked through your Modern Siren program and it helped me get the man that I love back for good.

We had a long history of 3 years with some togetherness and some break ups. I had never learned how to really be the soft, strong, independent, attractive women that I knew I could and can be while in a relationship.

My man, he is so sweet and sensitive and loving and caring and yet so macho and so distant and withdrawn and cold at times. But we’ve all been there right! You know that deep down it’s about what is going on with us. So I learned that from my own lessons and life experiences but you helped me with your program because you helped me take all that “logical” knowledge that I had about myself and put it into practice emotionally for my benefit and for my happiness!

So…here is where we are now and in particular where I am again and I hate being here…I am falling apart inside and I need you once again!

A year ago he asked me to move in and just this year we bought a house together. I had my power, I was my own independent, soft, strong and attractive women that he felt happy and energetic and joyful and content to be with and to come home to every day!

But now…once again….I have lost myself in the relationship. I know I don’t need to expand further on that.

All the changes we’ve experienced over the last year and a half AND to top it all off….I have been going through some extreme personal stresses that have nothing to do with the relationship but with my career, finances, sick elderly parents, insomnia, physical pain…….etc. etc. So, needless to say I have had a very hard time being wonderful strong, soft self lately for the past 6 months for sure and as this has progressed I have continued to lose myself in the loneliness and seclusion.

I have been so tired and so stressed that I don’t have energy to invest in myself anymore and this is pushing him further and further away. I recognize the signs because I have learned and grown and I know logically….what I am doing wrong and how I am causing him to feel my neediness, my anxieties, my emotional dependency on him! And I know that if I don’t do something different soon to pick myself up you know what will progressively get worse and end up in shambles.

Please Rori, how do I EMOTIONALLY find myself again while being able to share a close and loving partnership with someone once you start being together full time day in and day out life….marriage?

How do I adjust and how do I find the strength and balance to work through my issues and on myself while still being able to share a life with someone who is so close, whom you love so much. How can I love myself like that again and let go of these negative patterns for good!

I want this to succeed because I know it can and when we are good together we are soooo goood together! The happiness that I deserve is so worth it all; please help me grab a hold of that happiness again!

Sincerely and breaking, Jen”

My answer:

Jen! – Go back to Modern Siren.

Get the ebook if you don’t have it, and work with that (only $20).

  • If you can afford it – a coach will help you stay on track.

It can be me, it can be Virginia Clark www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com, it can be Dominique www.sexandheart.com – it’s about who most “sings” to you in the fastest amount of time.

If you have a spiritual leaning – I’ll lend you my teacher – Ron Blair (Course in Miracles) – rondblair@yahoo.com.

In the meantime – get on my blog. Write, participate – we’ll help you there.

  • For now – BACK OFF from him! AND stay warm to him.
  • Most important – focus 100% on getting your life in order.
  • Go download free Feldenkrais Method tapes – they’re everywhere. Taking a class is even better, and inexpensive.

Feldenkrais will smooth you out, get you into your body, slow you down, help heal your physical pain, get you present and connected to yourself.

((Just from my personal life – I love Chinese Medicine, and NUCCA chiropractic. There are very few NUCCA practitioners in the world, and I’m lucky to have a stellar one – Dr. Nathaniel Elkins – in Los Angeles. And equally fortunate to find an incredible Chinese Medical Dr. near me (who also happens to be THE world-wide expert in her field) Dr. Matia Brizman. For pain and everything else, I rely on these two and recommend that everyone find a NUCCA practitioner and good Chinese medial doctor anywhere near them.))

  • Meditate. Find a class so you get everyone’s else’s good energy around you, too.
  • Do ALL my Tools that you have – ALL the time!
  • Dance with your situation as best you can. And LITERALLY – DANCE–>>

***Go find a www.sweatmyprayers.com or “ecstatic dance” in your neighborhood – stop Pilates and working out at the gym for now until you see how non-goal-oriented dance works for you…

  • Take an acting class!
  • WALK in your neighborhood, using my Tools the whole way to pay attention to yourself, to become aware of yourself and how your mind works, and to become more aware of your surroundings and the impulses from your heart and body.
  • Change your eating. Go to Whole Foods and get the basics: probiotics and omegas (cod liver oil is great for many) and vitamin D and a fruit/veg based vitamin.

STOP all SUGAR and GRAINS for a few weeks as an experiment. You could even stop dairy to experiment.ย  See if you can tell how you feel. Experience the discipline and how that feels.

Very, very important to start identifying food intolerances for the short term, and getting some practice with your inner discipline.

  • Work on your finances – and just SMILE at your man.

Love, Rori

Posted in

739 Comments

  1.  #1R.N.AmazingMe on January 16, 2013 at 9:08 pm

    number 1!! Unusual where is everyone!!



  2.  #2R.N.AmazingMe on January 16, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    I tend to lose myself in stress of different situations in life. I am single so getting lost in a relationship is no issue at hand with a man per say. It does affect how I am with my kids and my family and friends in life. I tend to shut myself off and close up and I do this for me I believe is to refocus and get myself back on track without the negativity and everyone’s two cents one what I am doing wrong. My mom often says she cannot say anything to me without me getting defewnsive and I think this is because after being told that you need to do this and that and spend more time with your kids in a way “she” thinks is right. I just keep to myself and try to bring myself back to where I need to be. I learned a lot about who I am by doing this but it is not easy. Sometimes lonely but i realized you cannot always tell people everything. My mom and I used to be really close but what she has been going through has been hard enough on her that anything extra is too much. I am not sure how you bring yourself back but I do know you cannot do it for any man in fear of losing him or anyone else for that matter. You have to do it for yourself. That is the only way to guarantee true sincerity of making a change. You make it for yourself and your kids. I tell myself this often it is no secret I have been battling demons for the last couple years and have come a long way but have a lot more to go. This makes me no less of a person or a bad mother it makes me human. I think if we can all understand we go through things in life and if we are willing to acknowledge them the more prone we are to getting back to where we need to be. Emotionally and physically without the negative comments or the negative pressure from family which I know is in good heart but not healthy for me anyways. So I sit here and ponder how to make small changes and everyday is a blessing to becoming the woman I am and the woman I need to be for my children.



  3.  #3R.N.AmazingMe on January 16, 2013 at 9:31 pm

    A big obstacle for me is going through so much physical pain with my ovarian cysts. My mom has been diagnosed and is in chemo now with ovarian cancer. Started with a large cyst. Scary and hereditary as well. I at first was totally against removing my ovaries and getting thrown into menopause but the pain daily is awful it makes me want to just curl up in bed. More activity makes it worse and it is depressing as I feel horrible 80% of the time. I feel bad complaing when my mom has cancer but I am tired of the pain. I want it to stop and if taking my ovaries is the only way I would rather be pain free and enjoying my life once again. This has affected me physically and emotionally I am drained.I miss my kids I feel as their mother I am failing them being there when they need me. I try to be but i work also. The balance in life is tough but my family is supportive watching the kids and helping out. Now if they could do it without throwing it in my face when arguements arise that would be nice.Work in progress, I have not given up, everyday is a new day and I am working to getting this fixed so I can move past it.



  4.  #4Violette on January 16, 2013 at 9:44 pm

    I’m really sad. I absolutely adore C and I have a lot of love for him. He’s one of the kindest men I’ve ever met and it touches me to be treated the way he loves me. But I don’t want him to touch me pyhisically, we’re not good sexually and I know I have to break up with him. I haven’t found the strength yet, and I can’t stop crying.



  5.  #5Indigo on January 17, 2013 at 3:27 am

    ((((RNAmazingMe))))

    I feel like, as women, we often have such complex relationships with our mothers. I know for me personally, I both want to be close to her, and really want her to respect my space. I care how she sees me, yet at the same time I am unwilling to work for her approval.

    Have you tried setting boundaries with feeling messages?



  6.  #6Indigo on January 17, 2013 at 3:33 am

    D invited me round last night, again.

    And it wasn’t a sexual thing, he was feeling under the weather from just having taken his meds, which makes it even more remarkable that he wanted me around. He wanted to try out a new show together (an old past-time of ours).

    I was touched because, usually after I express my feelings like I did on Tuesday, he pulls away for a time. And he made me Chai tea and he was touching me and cuddling me and we laughed together. It was sweet.

    I know to some it seems small or casual, but I would rather have a night like last night after a heavy, long day at work like I had, than the fanciest dinner in the world. It fed my soul.



  7.  #7Tam on January 17, 2013 at 4:39 am

    Memulo from the previous thread…yes, I do think that men step up more when a woman is not ‘into them’ in the beginning, they see it as a challenge. The real test is when the relationship gets more solidified and that is why so many relationships already fail at the 3-6 month mark…
    It has helped me tremendously not to get excited about a particular man I am dating and not get invested too soon. You can really see what they are made of and whether their interest is lasting or just a ‘conquering’ thing going on.



  8.  #8Tam on January 17, 2013 at 4:39 am

    Indigo…aw..sounds nice your evening!!



  9.  #9Tam on January 17, 2013 at 4:42 am

    Violette…urgh…this is so strange and so frustrating…and I take it that the sex life can’t be improved, it is a basic chemical repulsion of the other person?
    I am asking because when that happens to me I can’t even kiss the guy, let alone do anything else.
    And that’s a done deal, that would never work.
    Else, if it is ‘bad sex’ I have found it can be improved…it’s not easy and it’s not something quick, but with time and open communication, it can change.



  10.  #10Tam on January 17, 2013 at 4:47 am

    I still feel amused by MrP and my crazed text and email exchange yesterday….hehehe….he got all hot under the collar and I was laughing…so much.
    And now?
    Nothing! I love the feeling of playing around for 2 hours, naughty texts, and leave him to it nonchalantly, when he was getting ready to drive up here. Ha ha ha.
    OOoooooh I like to play.
    And I like to stop the play also.
    Hanky Panky? No Sir. I don’t work in the service industry, but you can dream about my little body, that’s allowed…and he does. HA!



  11.  #11Tam on January 17, 2013 at 4:53 am

    …and I am going to take all those compliments he made, about me being sexy and smart and interacting with me makes ‘life worth living’ and other more personal compliments….I shall take all that and put it into my self-esteem box…ha!
    It is nice to hear it from a guy who is very sparing with compliments…I know he means it.
    That feels really good.
    And even better because I have let him go and have no expectations..so if I don’t see/hear from him in the next 12 months, I’d actually be cool with that.
    Aaah.
    Life is good.
    Feels like I have so much in my self-esteem and ‘feel-good’ box right now, that I don’t even want to CD or even go out with friends…I am enjoying myself so much right now….like I am spending time with my best friend. So cool ๐Ÿ™‚



  12.  #12Tam on January 17, 2013 at 5:19 am

    MrP just sent me an email to thank me for last night…..OMG, too funny…our sexy texts….he is NOT the type to send me little ‘thank you’ emails…ha ha ha.
    I am feeling *highly* amused.
    The old boy surprises me still..ha!



  13.  #13BeLoved on January 17, 2013 at 5:41 am

    SeeminglyEasyCD hasn’t called to confirm our date for tomorrow night.
    I noticed feeling anxiety yesterday when I hadn’t heard from him and that tells me I’m up against my boundary, so I’m going to date myself tomorrow night and if he calls, let him know I made other plans.

    I went ’round with myself a little bit about wondering whether I was being unreasonable or harsh – after all, I didn’t TELL him I expected him to confirm 48 hours before.
    And…so what? I want a man who already knows how to treat a Queen, not a fixer upper who I have to raise up and teach about me ๐Ÿ™‚
    I can have standards!
    I can turn down men who make me feel insecure before we even get to date one!

    It’s totally okay to want to feel secure, and totally okay to weed out the men who trigger insecurity.

    I am validating myself ๐Ÿ™‚



  14.  #14BeLoved on January 17, 2013 at 5:45 am

    I LOVE the photo above, I have felt like that little girl, hands on hips, looking down the road
    wondering
    HOW the heck did I get here?
    Where do I go now?
    She’s cute as heck, she looks determined.
    I feel a sun of warm, glowing soft golden light welling up from my solar plexus and expanding all through my heart, chest, throat, belly, arms and fingertips looking at the photo.
    I feel blissed and in love with the little girl, she has what it takes ๐Ÿ™‚



  15.  #15Linda on January 17, 2013 at 5:46 am

    It is Thursday already!

    I am intrigued by this post. I would like to think that I will not loose myself in a happy relationship but also realize that I will have to make it a point to invest in me just as faithfully as I do into the my relationship.

    Tam… I find it interesting reading your latest comments. The williness you have to even interact with MrP on a playful sexual level feels surprising to me after his behavior the last time you were with him. I know that I would not be open to do that with anyone who treated me as he did you. I guess it would feel good to get those positive comments from a person that we had feelings for. I received an email from the man in my last relationship with pictures of trips we had taken together etc. telling me that he thanked God upon every rememberence of me. HA. It had no impact on me. It takes alot for me to close up totally to a person and I definately reached that point with him. In fact there are only 3 people that have reached that status in my life. Once they get there… there is no removal. The End. His email felt icky and all about him as usual. yuck!

    I wonder if receiving attention from someone that we once wanted to badly to have in our lives now that we dont have any interest in them at all would feel self esteem building. I have never thought of it that way. It has always felt melancholy or slimey to me. hmmm



  16.  #16Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 5:49 am

    (((((((((((((((((((((((((RNAmazing))))))))))))))))))))))))))



  17.  #17Tam on January 17, 2013 at 5:51 am

    Linda, I was just having fun winding him up as I walked home from the grocery store….a pastime like kicking a ball at the beach.
    Honestly speaking, I am not going to deprive myself of fun. If I was still angry or had hopes os a relationship, this would not feel fun.
    And yes, I felt hurt by the perveived rejection many weeks ago, but we have been friends/lovers for over 2 years and he has done lots of stuff for me, and helped me set myself up here, introduced me to some very nice friends and so on.
    He’s not a bad guy, he’s just not for me.
    Doesn’t mean I can’t play with him.
    Perhaps now it’s my turn to get some fun without anything else behind it….



  18.  #18Ulii on January 17, 2013 at 5:55 am

    ((((((R.N.AmazingMe))))))

    I feel it’s really hard getting on with the family, even if they are supportive in their way, everything gets “thrown in my face” when arguments rise too. I choose to remain distant from them. Although I know my work is in getting in terms with it, and someday allow more closeness.



  19.  #19Tam on January 17, 2013 at 5:56 am

    I guess we do have a weird relationship generally, but I know that if I was in any trouble, the guy would be there within seconds, any time of day and night…and that is something which is worth a lot to me.
    He doesn’t want relationship and can’t do it. Is that a crime? Not really. It is something to accept. And move on, which I have.
    This is where we get into trouble I think, when we say ‘how he treated you’. What did he actually do other than say that he can’t/won’t do relationship?
    He was honest with me….he could have strung me along with nice words, now that would have been worse and I would probably still be crafting out ‘feeling messages’…and have hope.
    It is so much better knowing where I stand.



  20.  #20Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 5:57 am

    I always lose myself in IMAGINARY relationships. I feel so furious and sad. I feel stuck. My life feels stuck. Technically, it is slowly moving forward professionally, but slow moving feels like a DEAD STOP for some reason right now.

    Telling SMC I don’t want to be friends has been really hard. I feel like I’m greiving the friendship, or maybe just the potential of a friendship. I’ve never done anything like this in my life, and it feels strange and wrong and really, really sad. I don’t even know if I did the right thing or not.

    I feel like I’m going to be judged soooo hard, but it has been the weirdest thing.

    It’s like I can’t even “feel” him anymore. He has stopped staring at me, stopped lingering, stopped all energy towards me whatsoever. and I miss IT. I miss his energy. I miss the attention, even if it didn’t MEAN ANYTHING because of his gf.

    and I’m wondering, what kind of man is he? It’s like he just turned himself completely off. He doesn’t seem sad, angry, or anything even resembling any kind of emotion.

    I’m wondering, is he a jerk? Has he just stopped “playing with me” because he has realized that he can’t, because I stood up for myself?

    or does he really like me, but is CHOOSING his gf, because he LOVES her? and I’m MAKING him choose, and he is choosing her?

    that possibility REALLY hurts. ๐Ÿ™

    Feedback would feel great.

    I feel like everyone is going to feel annoyed with me or something, because this isn’t “real,” but it’s real to me, and I’ve never done anything like this before. I’ve only fallen in love with one other guy “friend,” where I’ve stuck around and “pretended” like I only cared about him as a friend. I’m being truthful and authentic this time. My “pretend guy friend” broke my heart. Is that why this is so painful?

    I honestly wasn’t expecting to feel this sad.

    I thought nothing would change, and I would just go about my merry way, forget about him, etc.

    I thought I would feel empowered and good about myself for HAVING a boundary for once.

    but instead, I feel lousy, unsure, and incredibly sad.

    this is so confusing… :/



  21.  #21Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 6:00 am

    Daria (from the previous thread in case you don’t go back there): It is possible to have what you want…it really is. I don’t want to be with a man who brings out the screaming fits in me and so I’m not. Whether or not J could handle it is irrelevant because I don’t do it. I don’t do it because he doesn’t do anything to make me want to scream at him. Goes both ways too. You can have a relationship where things just “flow” and screaming fits are not necessary or wanted. I have that so I know others can have it too. If it’s what they want. It’s all in what we want to manifest for ourselves. For me, that is a relationship without conflict.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  22.  #22Tam on January 17, 2013 at 6:01 am

    Plus, it was actually me who initiated the naughty talk, after he sent me something factual…..so, really,
    I feel like a Rock star. And he tried to pick up on it all this morning…but I have no time….aw.
    He he



  23.  #23NewfMom on January 17, 2013 at 6:02 am

    Wow – what an appropriate post!

    I have been reflecting on recent events with Phillip, and I came to the realization that my requests for him to not contact me was coming from a place of pain and anger.

    I wasn’t leaning back – I was shoving him away. I was trying to influence the outcome instead of keeping my heart open.

    I shut down emotionally, and I just realized it. It was an epiphany.

    I had to stop by his house after work yesterday, and the meeting was quick. My stomach was twisted into knots and my mouth was dry, but I took a deep breath, opened my heart and told him that I was sorry for pushing him away while he was trying to communicate with me. I didn’t ask for his forgiveness and after speaking my truth, I turned around and walked to my car.

    I felt extremely vulnerable and exposed.

    About 15 minutes later, I get a text: “Apology accepted.”

    I have no idea if this will bring him back; I’ve decided that I can’t predict what he’ll do and I can’t help the issue by doing what I have done. All I can do is go back to the place where I felt open and loving.

    And lean back.



  24.  #24Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 6:03 am

    “he is NOT the type to send me little โ€˜thank youโ€™ emails”

    Is any man the ‘type’ to do such things? It is my belief that people do what they feel inspired to do. Depending on how we interact with others we can inspire a man to be a hero or we can inspire him to be a bad boy. I would say that keeping the focus on oneself this is a lesson on how to be with a man and an indication that with awareness you can draw a man in and have him do what you want. Sorry if this triggers you, saying he is not the type is really a judgemental thought and putting a person in a box looking at him through a filter. Though you might ‘know’ him you really don’t. Neither does he really know himself. Staying open to being surprised and to learning can create more of these moments as we learn dance steps in relationship. He said thank you because he appreciated how you made him feel with the awareness that you don’t “owe” him anything.



  25.  #25Tam on January 17, 2013 at 6:04 am

    21 Mercedes, there is no such thing as a relationship without conflict. How to solve conflict MAKES a relationship, solidifies it and strengthens it.

    There is some interesting literature out there, about how a relationship without conflict is a ‘fantasy bond’ ..created by two people pussy-footing around each other and not being authentic.
    Robert Friestone’s ‘fear of intimacy’ has hundreds of pages, including real live examples of marriages ‘without conflict’…..interesting read.



  26.  #26Tam on January 17, 2013 at 6:05 am

    24 FW, true, true.
    And as always, even if we think we know someone, we can be surprised, no?



  27.  #27Tam on January 17, 2013 at 6:08 am

    Conflict is not necessarily a screaming fit.
    I do not think healthy people actually have screaming fits..when it gets to that point, something is clearly very wrong.
    Screaming is something babies do to get attention. People who can’t express themselves or feel unheard…and people with mental issues.
    I do not believe a healthy, mature, centered adult would engage in a screaming fit….at least I never saw that.



  28.  #28Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 6:09 am

    Iamabutterfly that is not a boundary. You expressed a preference and he is respecting your request.



  29.  #29Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 6:12 am

    I believe some people can bring out the worst in you. That is just how the energy flows between you two. So yes they can trigger the two-year old that goes into screaming.

    I also believe that some people can bring out the best in you.



  30.  #30Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 6:13 am

    Feminine woman, I feel really angry reading that. I feel like you completely disregarded my feelings, and just focused on “the facts” of my situation. I don’t really care what “it” is, a “boundary” or a “preference,” it f@#$% HURTS, and even if it’s completely FABRICATED IT FEELS REAL TO ME.

    Not angry at you, really.

    Just…ugggg.



  31.  #31BeLoved on January 17, 2013 at 6:14 am

    Daria

    When you write about what you hope and pray for, the word that comes to mind is
    “Harmony”.



  32.  #32Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 6:14 am

    I love this post and especially the advice. It reminds me of some of the stuff Dominique and I talk about. It’s all about taking care of ourselves and really noticing what our bodies are telling us. Of course (because I am who I am and I always give this advice too) my favorite part was suggesting she meditate. That to me is like a springboard to the rest of it…it’s what centers me so I can go on the rest of the healing journey with a clear mind and a love for myself.

    Very, very good post! Nicely done Rori! Thank you!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  33.  #33Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 6:15 am

    Looking at it more logically, that totally makes sense…

    He’s trying not to be my friend, what else is the poor kid supposed to do?



  34.  #34Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 6:17 am

    Iโ€™m wondering, what kind of man is he?

    He is a normal man. They can close off their emotions. Compartmentalize and go into workaholic or whatever they choose. It is a reason why many men stonewall women.

    I believe women do something similar when we build walls internally and shut down our hearts. When we are there men can’t connect with us because they can’t feel.



  35.  #35Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 6:17 am

    FW: “I also believe that some people can bring out the best in you.” Yes…this is absolutely true and I believe anyone can manifest the relationship they desire. My desire is to be with a man who brings out the best in me and who gives me the opportunity to bring out the best in him. I love that. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  36.  #36Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 6:17 am

    I feel abandoned and guilty.



  37.  #37Tam on January 17, 2013 at 6:17 am

    Turns out that in the marriages analysed in the book, which ended in big disasters, the people were married for decades and because they kept this fantasy of the perfect marriage intact, turned out that they didn’t know each other at all. They did not know their dreams and suppressed desires and some did not even know themselves…very interesting read.
    There were big devastating secrets…there were traumas that had just been ignored because the spouse didn’t want to ‘rock the boat’, etc etc.
    The conflict that isn’t dealt with just festers away underneath like a cancer – and in the end after 20 years of marriage or more the spouses didn’t know each other.
    I don’t want that for my life, hence I have to become brave. I am a big conflict avoider – and I learnt the theory of how bad this is…and now I try to put it into practice, and that is soooooo hard.
    No more head in the sand and pretending something doesn’t exist…urgh.



  38.  #38Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 6:19 am

    Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.



  39.  #39Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 6:21 am

    We create our reality



  40.  #40Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 6:22 am

    “I believe women do something similar when we build walls internally and shut down our hearts. When we are there men canโ€™t connect with us because they canโ€™t feel.”

    I guess that’s what I’ve been doing, so I can’t expect him to show emotion, if I’m not.

    I don’t know what to do!

    So, I guess the feminine thing to do would be to just sob over how sad I feel right in front of him? right in front of everyone?



  41.  #41Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 6:24 am

    I’m crying pretty hard right now…this is a lot to process…and I have no idea what’s going on with me or him or…anything…



  42.  #42Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 6:24 am

    I feel so confused and scared and embarrassed.



  43.  #43BeLoved on January 17, 2013 at 6:25 am

    20

    ((((Iamabutterfly))))

    Telling the truth about what you want and don’t want even if it hurts is a big step out of imaginary relationships.

    I would not try to figure it out, I would sink into my feelings and let them be my teachers. “Figuring out” mind isn’t the appropriate tool for me for these types of experiences.

    How do you feel about yourself for facing such a difficult truth?
    Don’t you feel brave, courageous and strong, if you really allow yourself to SEE your true self shining through? ๐Ÿ˜‰

    It’s only hard the first time or two, I think. After all of this mess with C, who I told I didn’t want to be friends because the feelings were so strong, I feel like I could be very very resolved in the future to nip this stuff in the bud, I know the pain. Once I acknowledged and felt the burn, I don’t need to put my hand on the hot stove anymore to know it’s hot.

    more hugs…!
    ((((Iamabutterfly))))



  44.  #44Tam on January 17, 2013 at 6:27 am

    (((((lama))))



  45.  #45Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 6:27 am

    I feel like this shouldn’t be affecting me the way it is…and I feel embarrassed about that…



  46.  #46Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 6:27 am

    RE 37 – Thank goodness that is not reflective of every relationship.



  47.  #47Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 6:35 am

    how do I feel about myself for facing such a difficult truth?

    what is the difficult truth?

    how do I feel about myself?

    I feel completely lost and like I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like I’m feeling around in a dark room, trying to find my way, when really, there’s nothing to find.

    I feel complete and total grief for all the love I’ve never had, but “pretended” was there.

    and I don’t just mean from men.

    I mean from everyone…

    and that feels terrifying…



  48.  #48Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 6:38 am

    I have no idea how to receive, give, or even recognize love…I feel like I push what’s “real” away…



  49.  #49BeLoved on January 17, 2013 at 6:40 am

    45

    Iama I feel so soft and tender toward you right now.
    I close my eyes, sigh, and feel relaxed…I feel love and acceptance and a compassionate, warm, spaciousness that’s like a clear bubble I feel like I want to hold up around you.

    Love and light and air and warmth come in, and everything else that comes into contact with the bubble that isn’t supportive and nurturing and good for you dissipates like steam when it touches the bubble. It’s a breathable, porous cellular bubble ! I see you surrounded by beautiful mossy caves and waterfalls. How fun! I feel a surge in my heart and tears of joy welling up!
    Thank you for inspiring that in me!!!!



  50.  #50Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 6:42 am

    FW: You and I share these two thoughts completely:

    “Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.”

    and

    “We create our reality”

    Absolutely true in my life and in my experience. I think so many people have a limiting belief about conflict being necessary that they magnetize it and ensure it shows up in their lives…and then get frustrated because that’s not what they want. That’s not for me AT ALL and I believe, as I said, Daria can manifest the relationship she wants and not the one she’s told she has to have.

    It’s funny because the “belief” seems to be that people without conflict end up divorced but in my experience, people WITH conflict also end up divorced. I got divorced and we had conflict. Actually, I don’t know a single couple who got divorced because they loved each other too much to do things that would trigger the other.

    I believe conflict or the lack of it has nothing to do with relationships working. I believe the strength of the bonding of two hearts, minds, souls and bodies in total and complete love is what determines whether or not a couple will last forever. I believe the commitment J and I have promised each other will hold true for the remainder of our lives. If for some reason it doesn’t (like because we don’t fight or yell at each other), at least I will know that both of us believed in us even though a lot of people in today’s society didn’t. That alone will feel really, really good about how we chose to see our relationship and lives together.

    I love him very, very much and he loves me too and as cliche as it sounds, love can conquer all. For us, it has conquered a lot and will continue to do so as long as we stay bonded. That’s my reality.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  51.  #51Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 6:43 am

    Daria, I feel intrigued by what you wrote on the last thread, and I also feel intrigued by Mercedes response.

    I feel like it could help me right now for some reason…

    “Honestly I want to feel safe that if I DO have screaming blowout fights, that it IS the end, and that itโ€™s ok forcmecto leave.

    I really really donโ€™t want that in my life.

    Praying on my knees please God I want a life without that is that possible for me.”

    *flashback*

    I remember feeling so empty because I wanted him to get angry, or to feel angry, or to feel his anger myself and I didn’t see anything and I didn’t feel anything, and it confused me so much.

    He feels nothing…

    Why doesn’t he feel anything?



  52.  #52BeLoved on January 17, 2013 at 6:43 am

    48

    Iama

    “I have no idea how to receive, give, or even recognize loveโ€ฆI feel like I push whatโ€™s โ€œrealโ€ away”

    I would question these thoughts. Are they true? How do I feel when I believe these thoughts? Who would I be without these stories?



  53.  #53Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 6:44 am

    this is still a flashback…

    when he walked away, I definitely felt something.

    I felt intense sadness radiating from him.

    I felt his “not good enough.”

    I felt his “I let you down”



  54.  #54Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 6:47 am

    Iama: I think Rori’s advice to “Jen” in the post here is fantastic advice. It can be used for any healing path in my opinion. If I were you, I would read it carefully and start putting as many of those things into practice as you can. Your heart needs healing right now and you have lots of people here who care and who will uplift and support you through that process. Then, as you begin to care for yourself, I believe you will manifest amazing things. Now it’s time for you to believe that too.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  55.  #55Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 6:47 am

    @52 Beloved – honestly, that doesn’t even make sense to me right now…



  56.  #56Tam on January 17, 2013 at 6:49 am

    ‘so many people have a limiting belief about conflict being necessary that they magnetize it and ensure it shows up in their livesโ€ฆand then get frustrated because thatโ€™s not what they want’

    those are the people, presumably, that don’t live in lala land and have authentic relationships with their spouses…conflict resolution is that which causes the frustration to GO AWAY.



  57.  #57Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 6:51 am

    @54 Mercedes – I think you’re right. I feel scared and apprehensive to go through all the muck of healing. but I have to…



  58.  #58Tam on January 17, 2013 at 6:51 am

    believing that conflict is ‘bad’, and ‘yelling’ and ‘screaming’ – now that is the biggest limiting belief that I ever saw.



  59.  #59Tam on January 17, 2013 at 6:55 am

    I don’t want a fantasy bond, I want a real living and breathing relationship with all the authenticity I can possibly have.
    Now, that is the difficult stuff. And its where the good stuff is.
    Living in la la land and denial and doormatting is the easy stuff..been there and done that.



  60.  #60Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 6:55 am

    Iama: For us, it’s not about “not feeling anything”. We do feel. We feel passionately. What we don’t do is anything that hurts the other person. That is a priority for us. We communicate and we do it with love, empathy and understanding. But we do feel.

    I don’t know why he “didn’t feel anything” and I don’t know that he didn’t. My guess is he felt a LOT and simply chose not to share those feelings.

    ((((((((Iama)))))))) You have my warm thoughts to help you through this time.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  61.  #61Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 6:56 am

    all the men in my life have never felt “enough” for me, because, quite simply, they are not. From my Dad, trickling all the way down to all the men I’ve known into my late twenties…

    this isn’t about men.

    this is about me.



  62.  #62Tam on January 17, 2013 at 7:02 am

    lama, exactly. It’s all about you! ๐Ÿ™‚



  63.  #63Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 7:03 am

    Ladies: I hate having things I say twisted around because it makes me want to go into explaining mode and generally, because I want to go into explaining mode, I do it. So….just to be clear about why I’m even talking about this….the word “screaming” was carried over here by me from the previous thread. I was keeping the conversation with Daria in tact so it would make sense what I was talking about. The original comment came from Starla and I was simply offering a different take on what Daria can have if she wants it:

    “i want to be able to argue, even have screaming blow out fights”

    That sentence is not what I want at all and not what I have in my life. That’s all I was saying.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  64.  #64Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 7:03 am

    Thanks, Mercedes.

    I feel like J wrote that, speaking from a man’s perspective?

    i feel like I’m going completely insane…

    now I feel kinda giggly…



  65.  #65BeLoved on January 17, 2013 at 7:04 am

    I feel so much appreciation for Rori’s advice in this post.
    I read it before I left for work this morning and was thinking about the suggestions to give up gluten and sugar – as I stopped through a drive through to pick up a biscuit and a latte.

    I noticed that I have been telling myself that I can’t spend $6 on Truvia for my daily hot chocolate, which will last a couple of weeks,
    But I can spend $10 in one week on lattes?

    I can’t be bothered to make oatmeal for myself in the morning, but I can get it at the fast food place and spend 4x as much, with ingredients I don’t like as much as the stuff I make for myself?

    Errors in thinking corrected in 3…2…1!!



  66.  #66CurvySiren10 on January 17, 2013 at 7:04 am

    People get divorced not because they HAVE conflict, but because they have no idea how to resolve it. The resentment builds and festers and creates a stack of papers between the magnet & steel, that were formerly attracted strongly. The paper dulls the attraction, kills the relationship. Getting rid of the papers restores it. No, I do not believe in a relationship without conflict. However, I strongly believe in one where both parties know how to resolve it without blaming, without attacking each other…but rather attacking the issue itself.



  67.  #67Tam on January 17, 2013 at 7:04 am

    it’s about you being about you, and a man being about you.

    I kind of knew it. And Curly confirmed that. Even though nothing comes of it, a good man who loves you and can do relationship will be ‘all about you’
    (his favourite sentence).

    The boys are all about themselves.



  68.  #68Tam on January 17, 2013 at 7:04 am

    66 Curvy…yes, yes, yes. EXACTLY.



  69.  #69Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 7:08 am

    Iama: Nope…J didn’t write that. lol. He could read it and we might never know that but he promised me he would never post here as me. If we ever hear from him out here, it will be because he created his own “profile”, spent time waiting for his first comment and gave Rori his email address…just like the rest of us. LOL.

    It was me, but in my experience, men feel a lot…just like us. Some men choose not to share their feelings, others do…just like us.

    I’m happy to see you feeling giggly! ๐Ÿ™‚ That made me smile.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  70.  #70Tam on January 17, 2013 at 7:09 am

    actually, that is where the real work is…attacking the issue not each other. And that is sooo hard.



  71.  #71Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 7:11 am

    CurvySiren10: I see where you are coming from and I believe that most people see it that way too. I just don’t have that same experience in my current situation. Although I certainly did at one time. That’s true for sure!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  72.  #72NewfMom on January 17, 2013 at 7:11 am

    I know y’all are discussing Iama’s truth and I feel good knowing that she has support here. I’m too new to offer my insight, but she has my support, too. <3

    I thought to update on my earlier comment (23):
    Phillip emailed, expressing concern about the weather and that I am safe. While I am responding to his emails for the most part, I am trying to be open and loving – and leaning back.

    Just when I think this is easy, it gets difficult again. ๐Ÿ˜‰



  73.  #73Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 7:15 am

    @49 Beloved – I feel so protected and nutured (I have no idea how to spell that) reading that. Thank you.



  74.  #74Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 7:16 am

    NewfMom: “Just when I think this is easy, it gets difficult again.”

    I feel that too on my own journey. I think maybe it’s because we have more to learn and if it gets too easy, we stop paying attention to the lessons that come our way everyday. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  75.  #75Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 7:17 am

    RE 50 Itโ€™s funny because the โ€œbeliefโ€ seems to be that people without conflict end up divorced but in my experience, people WITH conflict also end up divorced.

    Mercedes we must be from the same planet ๐Ÿ™‚



  76.  #76Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 7:18 am

    NewfMom I believe you are doing beautifully well.



  77.  #77Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 7:19 am

    FW: Yes…somehow we are connected. Whether that be because of our planet or because of our souls is hard to say but I’m more inclined to think it’s because of our souls. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  78.  #78NewfMom on January 17, 2013 at 7:20 am

    @Mercedes and FW – thank you. I find that the support here – even the criticisms – is very helpful.

    You all have my undying respect and admiration.



  79.  #79Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 7:20 am

    attacking the issue

    This reminds me of attacking the disease with aggressive treatment/action. I always wonder why it has to be attacked. My perspective is to approach the issue by looking at it from all angles and everyone’s point of view to see if we can find some common ground. If not there might be a third way.



  80.  #80Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 7:20 am

    @72 NewfMom – Thank you!!!! and no one is “too new” to offer insight. ๐Ÿ˜‰



  81.  #81Tam on January 17, 2013 at 7:22 am

    I’d still rather have an authentic relationship and end up divorced, than a fantasy bond and end up divorced.
    Uhmmmm….two people are not the same unless you clone them. This means there is always some kind of conflict somewhere. It can be denied and brushed under the carpet of course.
    I chose to live like that before. Was the root of all my problems. Pretending.



  82.  #82Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 7:24 am

    there is always some kind of conflict somewhere – what a belief



  83.  #83Tam on January 17, 2013 at 7:26 am

    79 FW, if you look at current writing on conflict resolution you will find this sentence as a catchphrase:

    ‘attacking the issue and not each other’

    It’s just a way of saying what you’ve said…trying to look at it, trying to understand the other person…and take care of the issue.
    Rather than hiding in a hole and pretending it is not there – or the other extreme: attacking and screaming. Neither of these work long term. I know because I have been there, and I guess all of us have in one way or another.

    I briefly worked for someone who was involved in conflict resolution and therefore read a lot of literature. I am somewhat surprised that the so called experts on the issue here, are not keeping up to date on current theory…this would be the backbone of what they are saying, rather than mumbo jumbo about not having conflict…every psychologist out of grad school knows that this is just not possible in human society.
    Ask one.



  84.  #84Tam on January 17, 2013 at 7:27 am

    82 FW, again, not a belief. It’s human nature.



  85.  #85Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 7:28 am

    *nurtured. I had to go there…



  86.  #86Tam on January 17, 2013 at 7:29 am

    There are so many beautiful books on the subject and beautiful studies that have been carried out.
    ….most books about fear of intimacy have a chapter on it.
    Even having boundaries – creates conflict often.
    This is what we talk about here all the time.
    Using feeling messages to deal with this.
    Am I now on a different planet?



  87.  #87CurvySiren10 on January 17, 2013 at 7:33 am

    83 Tam…

    “attacking the issue and not each otherโ€™

    Itโ€™s just a way of saying what youโ€™ve saidโ€ฆtrying to look at it, trying to understand the other personโ€ฆand take care of the issue.”

    EXACTLY what I was trying to say. Attack is simply a metaphorical term. Facing it. Dealing with it. Looking at it. ACKNOWLEDGING it. The resolution always comes with understanding and empathy.



  88.  #88Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 7:33 am

    (((((Tam and Feminine woman)))) – I feel intrigued by your discussion, as you are kind of “arguing” about “arguing.” Wonder what can be learned!



  89.  #89Lori on January 17, 2013 at 7:36 am

    Good morning ladies,
    I’m hearing a lot about the Modern Siren program. I haven’t tried it yet. Have any of you? Does it work? I’m open to changes in myself. ๐Ÿ™‚



  90.  #90Tam on January 17, 2013 at 7:36 am

    87, precisely Curvy ๐Ÿ™‚
    Of course, we can close our eyes and pretend it’s not there and we live in fairy land.
    Each to their own.
    Even with a best friend I can have conflict. How do we solve it? We talk about it and how we feel….once we got it out of the way, the relationship is stronger and the ‘love’ bigger…my best friend and I have been so close for 30 years. Because we are authentic with each other.
    Now I need to learn to be able to do this with a man.



  91.  #91Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 7:38 am

    Tam I look at it through the lens of “what you focus on grows”. For me moving away from the consciousness of “attacking” the issue helps me to change my vibe and the way I deal with conflict. Even in the hammer. I want to soft on the outside so when it comes to human relationships “attack” don’t work for me anymore. No matter whose suggestion/fact/opinion it is. For close relationships it has no place in my consciousness or psyche. I consciously choose and commit to dealing with conflict or issues from a place of attacking. It might just be sematics for some but for me it isn’t because I now believe in choosing with awareness. That is just me…..



  92.  #92Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 7:39 am

    Mean “even in the office”.



  93.  #93Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 7:40 am

    I like CCarter’s analogy of using the velvet hammer. Whenever differences show up that is the image I conjure up in my head to stop myself from attacking anything.



  94.  #94Tam on January 17, 2013 at 7:42 am

    91 FW, that is just what we were saying though…actually. NOT attacking the person or the actual relationship.
    This translates into all areas of life.
    For example work. A problem, just because we take away our focus, will not resolve itself.
    That is my ostrich, head in the sand thinking.
    It hasn’t worked for me in 36 years, perhaps it works for others, but frankly I am doubtful.
    And I don’t see this in Rori’s stuff either.
    I see the ‘get it out, be authentic, speak your truth in a non-attacking and non-blaming way’.
    This is what we talk about here all the time.
    Not sticking heads in the sand.



  95.  #95Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 7:43 am

    “Attack is simply a metaphorical term”

    Maybe for some but not for me. The vibe, the energy around that word is too strong for me, in the context of relationships. For me, attack and harmony no longer work in the same crucible.



  96.  #96Tam on January 17, 2013 at 7:49 am

    ah, I get it, the word feels bad.
    Well, it is just a conflict resolution catch phrase that I have seen and read about before…
    we could of course say ‘deal with the issue’
    but the reason why it is used is to explain that people often ‘attack’ each other…and instead of doing that they ought to ‘attack’ the problem.
    ‘tackle’ the problem instead of each other?
    Get the thesaurus out ๐Ÿ˜‰



  97.  #97Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 7:50 am

    Two of my favorite Thich Naht Hanh quotes (two of my many, many favorites…):

    โ€œFor things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them.”

    “I have noticed that people are dealing too much with the negative, with what is wrongโ€ฆWhy not try the other way, to look into the patient and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom?”

    We can focus on the negative and be on alert for it and attack it quickly when it shows up and get back into position and ready to attack again. OR…we can lose our views that say “the negative HAS to be there” and we can instead focus on the positive, touch those things and make them bloom.

    I choose option two. I understand and believe that is not for everyone. It is for me and it is for J and we have made a conscious decision to care for each other in this way and we always will.

    Hopefully that does not lead to a break up but if it does, I know a blog I can go to and get all kinds of support…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  98.  #98Linda on January 17, 2013 at 7:53 am

    Yesterday FavoriteCD contact me 12 hours after I text him good morning. (He is traveling for work and out of the state this week) I have been struggeling with the whole communication issue and my feelings about it all. Not being quite sure what to say and how to say it.

    I have encountered some great advice and things to consider around this issue. I have been some self examination about my attitudes, feelings etc. THis is all triggering for me and I am glad. I want to feel firm and settled about my wants and dont wants. I dont want to feel fear about communicating them to anyone either. I have not felt settled or fear-less. So I have been investing energy in geting this done for ME.

    In the end my feelings are my feelings even the needy ones. Embracing them and facing them has been a good for me.

    I like communication. I believe it is vital to a healthy relationship. It creates they connection that I want and need in a relationship. I also see that I have this preference because communication affords reassurance that the person is still interested and engaged in the relationship. Not a bad thing in itself but can drive some pretty unhealthy thought and behavior in me because of my past experiences with men if I leave them go unchecked pre-Rori ness.

    Monday I mentioned to FavoriteCD (as the moment presented itself) a bit about this issue for me i.e. unreturned phone calls and or texts that hang in cyberspace indefinately. He asked if I left a message and I said no… so he asked me leave one. Point taken
    Ok yesterday when he called I said “it is so nice to hear your voice”. he said something… ” I said, ” I text you this morning and even left a message when I called you today, I was beginning to feel unsure and ignorned”…. there was my true feeling out there on the table. He jokingly said.. “I think I have just been scolded” laughing after that. I said ” Oh no, that is not my intention at all, I am just sharing how I feel”. He said. “I know we talked about this the other day point taken honey”. We continued talking warmly as usual. Inside I felt a bit of panic. Hmmmm For sharing my feelings?? That feels most scarey to me!! I took another baby step that felt like a Giant step to me. My past experiences with men created this fear because I did not use to be that way at all! I promised myself to take good care of myself and be a safe place for me! It should not be hard but it is proving to be. Also I have experienced that this man did not shut down or backed away from me thru two issues that have been really important to me. Today, he text me quite early. I know I am not responsible for him or his thoughts or reactions… just me.

    I have to be willing to fearlessly be me and express myself healthily” post Rori-ness. I am wanting to feel secure in myself first and with the man in my life whomever that is. SO…today is another day on my journey to that goal.

    Ok.. so whether I did it right or not, said it right or not, I



  99.  #99Tam on January 17, 2013 at 7:55 am

    Conflict is not intrinsically negative. Sigh.
    Feeling bored with this. Suggest a trip to the library on current psychology, fear of intimacy and relationship/marriage conflict resolution.
    For those who would like to educate themselves.
    For those who don’t, well, don’t.



  100.  #100Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 8:08 am

    I was inspired to keep reading his quotes. I took a second to be in the moment, to, as he says “smile, breathe and go slowly” and I came across this little gem. I think I will post it on my wall for today and spend my moments in joy:

    “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”

    Today, I choose joy.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  101.  #101NewfMom on January 17, 2013 at 8:08 am

    @Mercedes – great quotes and such insight!

    Focusing on the positive allows for acceptance of the negative. Not necessarily liking it, but knowing that for the good, there has to be the bad.

    ๐Ÿ˜€



  102.  #102Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 8:12 am

    Tam it is not my intention to frustrate you.

    I looked up the word on the Internet. No matter where we look, book/library/internet, whatever we find it is my opinion that it is someone else’s perception/explanation/choice of how tp describe. I choose the approach that feels best to me because of what I want in my consciousness.



  103.  #103Dominique on January 17, 2013 at 8:13 am

    Iamabutterfly – 51 – How do you know he doesn’t feel anything? Just because you don’t observe a reaction doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel.

    K does not show his painful emotions at all. Sometimes he will surprise me, and say something regarding something I thought he didn’t really care about or pay much attention to.

    Turns out he doesn’t want to think about things which hurt, especially if it was in the past or if it’s something he can do nothing about.

    xxoo



  104.  #104Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 8:15 am

    Part of my meditation this morning was doing Matt Clarkson’s Core Energy Technique of focussing internally and smiling from the heart and letting it radiate through every cell in my body. Aaaah it felt so refreshing and healing.



  105.  #105Dominique on January 17, 2013 at 8:19 am

    Iamabutterfly – 61 – There it is….

    xxoo



  106.  #106Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 8:20 am

    NewfMom: #101 Hmmmm….I don’t think I can believe there HAS to be bad. I believe there is a LOT of it in this world but I also believe that peace is possible. I don’t believe most people feel the same way about it as I do but I do believe that if we would all simply focus on the good things in life, by the power of attraction alone, the bad things would disappear.

    That’s the way it has worked for me in many, many of my relationships (one fine example would be the relationship I have with Dominique. At first, I focused on what I perceived as the negative. Now, she is my dear, dear friend and we have not had an ounce of conflict. Not a glimmer of it.).

    Now, I need to learn how to apply that to my job. I do see the negative in my career and I need to learn to touch the positive. It’s not been easy for me.

    I also see the negative in other areas of my life. I would like to get past this.

    I think this just sparked something amazing in my heart. I believe I need to focus my meditation on this one for a bit. I also think I need to write a blog post soon and use this topic. My heart is kind of racing with my thoughts on this and my feelings surrounding it….

    Interesting…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  107.  #107Tam on January 17, 2013 at 8:24 am

    101 NewfMom – this is so true.



  108.  #108MovingMagic on January 17, 2013 at 8:25 am

    I like what’s being said about the difference between boys & men. I’ve dated alot of boys. I wasn’t ready for a real, long term relationship. I was much more focused on exploring myself, & life. Another person didn’t really fit into that exploration at the time. I see it now.



  109.  #109Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 8:25 am

    by the power of attraction alone, the bad things would disappear – This is resonates with me I am eating it up in my cells. Some things have been coming at me recently that have left me mystified. I don’t try to understand it. I just take it as confirmation that I am on the right path and must keep doing what I am doing or maybe doing it better. Men have been falling out of all kind of places offering me all kinds of things I have not been offered in a while. Even disappearing cds texting “I am thinking about you. How you doing”. Might not be much but at least gives me an opportunity to practice appreciation/gratitude and FMs.



  110.  #110Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 8:27 am

    I believe J and I can manifest the relationship we want and that we have.

    I believe I can choose to heal other relationships and turn those into beautiful, loving connections which will last forever.

    I have not applied this to my career or other areas of discomfort in my life.

    Why?

    What in the world have I been waiting for????

    Wow!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  111.  #111Dominique on January 17, 2013 at 8:30 am

    I speak a lot about focusing on what feels good, for you only not only notice this around you more, you will also manifest more. As FW says, “what you focus on grows”.

    Here are three related articles which my help.

    http://sexandheart.com/how-to-tell-if-your-man-is-enough-for-you

    xxoo



  112.  #112NewfMom on January 17, 2013 at 8:31 am

    Mercedes (106): I guess it’s just a matter of perception. Neither is wrong; my own perception stems from my belief system (Druidic), which asserts that in order for good to exist in the world, so does bad. This extends to everything – even within ourselves.

    Perhaps I should have used the word “recognition,” rather than “acceptance.”

    The story of the two wolves (http://www.firstpeople.us/FP-Html-Legends/TwoWolves-Cherokee.html) illustrates my own beliefs quite well.

    Having said that, focusing on the positive allows for it to outshine the bad, just like focusing on the bad blots out the good.



  113.  #113Dominique on January 17, 2013 at 8:31 am


  114.  #114Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 8:31 am

    FW: “Even disappearing cds texting โ€œI am thinking about you. How you doingโ€. Might not be much…”

    Might not be much? I think it is a LOT. I think it is a perfect example of how we are connected in ways we’ll never understand. I love it when I cross someone’s mind for no real reason or when someone else crosses mine and I haven’t thought about them in forever. To me, it’s like I just said a little prayer for them whether I consciously wanted to or not. It’s like G0d or the universe or whoever/whatever we believe in just plopped someone else right down in the middle of our prayer because they needed it.

    So maybe you can choose to think of it as a lot rather than not much. Someone or something plopped you right down in the middle of his prayers whether he wanted you there or not. To me, that’s HUGE! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  115.  #115Dominique on January 17, 2013 at 8:31 am


  116.  #116Dominique on January 17, 2013 at 8:33 am

    NewfMom – Good and bad are perceptions. There really isn’t good or bad. There are things which FEEL bad though. I think this is an important distinction.

    xxoo



  117.  #117Silver-Tongued Siren on January 17, 2013 at 8:33 am

    As I said he would, MILW is already asking to see me. (and baby too.) How do I handle this?

    I want our “roommate” gone from our house (a guy who’s doing work in exchange for rent- supposed to leave by march – however he should have been kicked out long ago) –
    I don’t want to NOT live at home! …
    He wants a “year” or “month” break, (plus me to move out) (…that’s why he’s calling?)
    I want to feel I have equal decision making in our home, family and relationship
    I want him to delete all the women he has had sex with on his phone and facebook, or at least go back to making it very clear he is with me and only me. (rlsp status, actions, words)
    I want to know he is serious – none of this rubber banding stuff, pulling me in, pushing me away (maybe it’s up to me to deal with that by also backing away when he does?) – I want to know he’s serious about our family, our relationship, that he is not seeing ANYone else (but he probably wouldn’t think that were fair if *I* was), especially back to being sexually exclusive..

    I feel if I ignore him it pushes him out of my life, what do I do? I don’t really want to see him if he’s seeing others.. don’t really want to start over at the very beginning as tho we’re dating, … we’ve been together for years.

    How do I handle when he’s texting me that he misses me, thinking about me all day, wants to see the baby, wants to have breakfast?

    he’s texting me RIGHT now….

    PS, made a long post yesterday about bipolar/etc and my baby turned the computer off before it got posted!



  118.  #118ruth on January 17, 2013 at 8:36 am

    110

    wow indeed

    that would mean one h*ll of a change in myself though

    Wonder if I can

    Hi ladies

    Really happy to hear about Turq
    ๐Ÿ™‚
    Tam-thats funny about Mr P.You sound like you have your head in the right place though



  119.  #119Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 8:37 am

    NewfMom: I completely and absolutely agree with this 100%: “I guess itโ€™s just a matter of perception. Neither is wrong”

    We all have our own beliefs and perceptions and experiences that guide who we are. None of it is “wrong”, it’s US. ๐Ÿ™‚ And life would be very, very boring if we didn’t have people with different life experiences, beliefs and perceptions to bring freshness into our lives.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  120.  #120Starla on January 17, 2013 at 8:41 am

    “Experience the discipline and how that feels”

    woohoo, i feel victorious, like I was right for believing in the Magic of Discipline!



  121.  #121Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 8:42 am

    I am all for HUGE



  122.  #122Tam on January 17, 2013 at 8:42 am

    Ruth hellooooooooo!!!!! Long time no see!!
    Yep, feelin’ good.
    And, strangely, the less men/man I have in my life with their drama, the better I feel. haha!!
    ๐Ÿ™‚
    Curly is missing me – I am not really missing him lol

    MrP thinks I am hot, intelligent and whatever else and I am just shrugging my shoulders..yea yea yea…

    Meanwhile I have a lot of fun…just enjoying my little things..books…dvd’s…candles….the beach….
    Equilibrium. ๐Ÿ™‚



  123.  #123BeLoved on January 17, 2013 at 8:43 am

    I feel…yikes!
    I feel!
    Nervousness, upset, fluttery dense feelings in my throat and upper gut.
    G called about tomorrow night – I told him I made other plans.
    I felt sick, I could hardly talk.
    I told him I had expected to hear from him and he said he didn’t know he needed to call me –
    I gave him my phone number and a few times said, yes, give me a call so we can firm up details, time, etc.

    He said he had “thought” about calling me, wondering if he needed to call me…
    maybe some other time?
    I said I’d like that
    Maybe not true, but as all those feelings came up it was the best I could croak out.

    I feel like…yes, this is okay.
    Wild horses won’t keep the right guy away, having some standards certainly won’t.

    This is an interesting practice, allowing people to matter, and not at the same time.

    Ok Miss BeLoved let’s get our work done and we can delve into these feelings in a few….

    ((((BeLoved))))
    Thank you, universe for the opportunity to practice having some standards!!!



  124.  #124jackie on January 17, 2013 at 8:43 am

    My husband of 19 yrs came home Jan.15th 2013 told me he’s been seeing some one for a ye now he doesn’t. Know what he wants he’s not. Sure if she feel the way he does we have two kids. One 19 one 17 help



  125.  #125ruth on January 17, 2013 at 8:45 am

    Ive been reading but not posting much
    I an feeling fragile and vulnerable and small at the moment



  126.  #126ruth on January 17, 2013 at 8:46 am

    I really love all those articles Dominique

    They feel very soothing and comforting to read



  127.  #127Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 8:47 am

    BeLoved: That is so awesome! I bet this guy will never ask a woman out in advance and not call to firm up details ever again. ๐Ÿ™‚ You are in his life for a reason…you are a lesson for him the way he is probably a lesson for you. Soooo cool! and Yes…having some standards won’t drive the right man away. It might surprise him a little (there are a lot of women in the world who don’t apply standards to dating) but it won’t drive him away. YAY!!!

    Ruth!!!!!!! How are you???

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  128.  #128ruth on January 17, 2013 at 8:49 am

    Hi Mercedes
    ๐Ÿ™‚



  129.  #129Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 8:54 am

    Could this “yes, give me a call so we can firm up details, time, etc.” be the key to the response?



  130.  #130Lori on January 17, 2013 at 9:01 am

    Hey ladies, any opinions on the Modern Siren program?



  131.  #131Starla on January 17, 2013 at 9:04 am

    admittedly i’m not reading ALL the comments because… id on’t know; i’m lazy.

    i just wanted to say that it sucks to act like a 2 year old screaming with a tantrum, or to have someone bring that out in you, but i absolutely need to know that if it does happen, my man isn’t going to leave me. a crying 2 year old doesn’t deserve to be abandoned, and neither do i.



  132.  #132BeLoved on January 17, 2013 at 9:06 am

    128

    FW, if you mean what I think you mean, then yes…I could see that in the moment, I knew I leaned forward a little bit
    to break the tension!
    so now here it is again, no getting away from it!

    I am a little freaked out by the intensity of the feelings come up, tears are even rising right now
    and also a little relief.

    I didn’t used to be this touchy – it is stunning to me how deeply traumatized I was by my relationship with T…it’s not childhood stuff coming up, this is being on LSD with a psychopath Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde stuff.
    Oh…that feels like more relief, to acknowledge that.



  133.  #133Tam on January 17, 2013 at 9:07 am

    130 Starla…quite true. It’s about feeling safe, in the end. Safe to be who one is even at one’s worst – and not be abandoned.



  134.  #134Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 9:08 am

    Starla: 130. I completely agree. If it happens, you (we all) should feel secure in the fact that we will not be abandoned. Nobody deserves that.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  135.  #135Lori on January 17, 2013 at 9:08 am

    He called this morning for a few minutes. I feel like I leaned towards him this time. I’m regretting doing so now. He was a little on the stressed side.



  136.  #136Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 9:10 am

    Lori: I don’t have Modern Siren so I can’t really comment too much but I have heard lots of good things about it here on the blog. It certainly sounds (from the comments I’ve read in the past) like one of her best programs.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  137.  #137BeLoved on January 17, 2013 at 9:13 am

    This article by Dominique reminds me of the Tony Robbins ‘Date with Destiny’ video with the woman from Jersey. She was describing how things would be wonderful after the seminars and then go to sh*t, over and over again. As she was talking, Tony pointed out to the audience how she was showing that fighting and making up was how she knew she felt loved – a childhood pattern.

    http://sexandheart.com/your-the-one-can-have-it-all

    “Or was your family life filled with raised voices, conflict, fireworks? Maybe there was verbal, physical and/or sexual abuse? Maybe all three?

    So love became equated with drama and abuse?

    Depending on your herstory, if this is what youโ€™ve known, then crumbs WILL look and feel like love to you. As will the highly charged interactions.”



  138.  #138Starla on January 17, 2013 at 9:15 am

    Lori, 134, I have so been there and find myself there more than I’d like;). But, it helps me so much to just shower myself with love and forgiveness. i literally say over and over in my head “love to me love to me forgiveness to me forgiveness to me”

    i believe it’s seriously the best thing a girl can do when she feels that way. it keeps her vibe worthy and deserving, not needy and insecure, after a leaning forward episode gone awry.



  139.  #139Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 9:23 am

    BeLoved: 136 Thank you for sharing this. I can’t get to Dominique’s blog from here, but I love this and have found it to be very true: “if this is what youโ€™ve known, then crumbs WILL look and feel like love to you. As will the highly charged interactions.”

    Yup. Unless you work on your own internal healing which is always such a good way to change those perceptions. I personally grew up with a lot of abuse (sexual, physical and emotional) but I have done a lot of healing and although I did experience those crumbs being “love”, I no longer have that in my life. I love healing journeys. As hard as they can be at the time, the fact that I made it through (or continue to work through) brings my heart peace. Each step along a journey brings peace to the heart.

    Love it Dominique! Thank you!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  140.  #140Lori on January 17, 2013 at 9:24 am

    Even if he did notice, he’s probably forgotten about it already. He was stressed over some work stuff. I’m the one who is kicking herself. lol



  141.  #141Elsie on January 17, 2013 at 9:25 am

    OK – I’m going to do what Rori says and use my feelings words.

    I’m feeling like everyone on here is ignoring me haha!

    I feel like I’ve tried to jump in several times. I think maybe its because I’m new? So you dont know me yet – but I’m trying to wedge in here haha! I feel like I know a lot of you because I have been lurking and following all of your stories for quite some time.

    So – tell me – what is the best way to sort of tell my story in order to get some advice from all of you? I feel like you have all been here so long and have so much to offer, and frankly I need some help! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Thanks,
    Elsie



  142.  #142Lori on January 17, 2013 at 9:29 am

    Elsie, lol, go ahead and tell your story. There are some great gals with some really good advice on here.



  143.  #143Starla on January 17, 2013 at 9:30 am

    exactly, lori. and what an odd and awful thing to choose to do to yourself — at least from an outsider’s perspective, right?;) I say no one gets to kick me, especially not myself! I’m no hypocrite, right?! ๐Ÿ˜€



  144.  #144Lori on January 17, 2013 at 9:32 am

    That’s right Starla! lol. I don’t get to kick me either!

    What’s hard is that it doesn’t feel like anything has changed since he said he didn’t want to be in a relationship. It’s the same.



  145.  #145Starla on January 17, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Hey Elsie! I recommend just telling it. And if enough time goes by with no response, remind us to look at it.



  146.  #146Dominique on January 17, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Ruth – 124 – Big hugs, and remember the offer I made you still hold. Anytime.

    (I feel delighted the articles helped soothe.)

    xxoo



  147.  #147Starla on January 17, 2013 at 9:36 am

    Lori, why is that hard?



  148.  #148Lori on January 17, 2013 at 9:40 am

    Because I feel confused. He says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship but yet we are still talking, laughing, just like we did before. We haven’t seen each other in 3 weeks but that’s not different either.



  149.  #149Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 9:41 am

    Elsie: I agree with Starla…sometimes we need a reminder to look at it…especially if several of us are involved in a long conversation that attracts much of the attention. I get the feeling you’ve told your story here in the past and we didn’t offer you any support and I’m so sorry about that. Could you copy and paste it on this thread so we can read it and share with you?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  150.  #150Mel on January 17, 2013 at 9:43 am

    In the past, I definitely thought that things like caring for someone when they are sick, or cooking or “organizing” the household were very feminine traits. And it seemed ridiculous to suggest that these things that all “good” wives and mothers do are actually quite masculine energy. I didn’t believe it. It didn’t seem right.

    And like many, because of this belief, I overfunctioned a LOT. And that left no room for me to be able to receive from a man. I did everything; I essentially made him redundant.

    And since finding Rori and practicing a whole bunch, I am feeling so much more feminine and lovely and flowy and calm and open and receptive.

    I was feeling unwell recently and didn’t have an appetite. Mr. A asked me if he could get/make me anything, even if he needed to go out to pick something up. At first I declined (as I wasn’t feeling great), but he asked again. He said he thought it would be best to eat something as my blood sugar tends to drop. He said he wasn’t taking “no” for an answer and would persist until he could bring me whatever my heart desired.

    He’s quite cute when he’s all insistent. He’s all manly and firm and “Nope. Tell me what you want please.”

    I smiled and suggested something and he jumped up to prepare it. He spent 30 min in the kitchen while I rested. He came back with a serving tray and a huge smile. I beamed and “Oooooh-ed” and thanked him for his creation. He said “It makes me feel good to take care of my girl.”

    And that felt very masculine. And I felt very feminine. And I loved it. ๐Ÿ™‚



  151.  #151Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Mel: YAY for men who bring us yummy things to eat. ๐Ÿ™‚ And who take care of us when we need it…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  152.  #152Lori on January 17, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Mel, I always thought the same thing. As a wife (no longer) as a mother and or girlfriend, I thought I was supposed to do those things. I’m Queen of the Overfunctioners. lol. Now, I’m much better about stepping back and not saying anything.

    Unless he asks me to make my homemade Salsa, not happening. He loves it and says it’s the best he’s ever had.



  153.  #153BeLoved on January 17, 2013 at 9:52 am

    Wow
    I feel a rush from the emotional reaction.
    A stress response hit my gut so hard, a few minutes later it was totally acidic.
    I caught myself heading for coffee (because…er…do I really need to add an adrenaline rush and more acid/sugar/fake dairy on top of this?) and got water with a dash of baking soda instead.

    I still feel like I want to jump up and down and shake off all this excess energy!
    If it weren’t so cold I’d go outside and hoop.
    This is a MUCH milder reaction than the one to asking DCD not to call me until his life was on a more even keel. That one left me on the bedroom floor in the fetal position feeling like my gut was going to turn inside out.

    Yay! Progress!
    I feel like I want to leave work and rush to the grocery store and buy lots of healthy, yummy groceries for myself!

    Now that I’m really seeing the damage caused by being entangled with T, I’m noticing the thought
    I can never never never EVER never never EVER talk to that man again. Ever. We bring out the worst in each other. Period. I can see a whole lot of other things he did that I won’t go into here that make him a harmful person to me.

    It’s okay to protect myself from harmful people. It’s okay to have and protect my weakness – it actually makes me stronger, to know my limits.

    I love me.

    Last night I feel asleep to the mantra – “I am a queen, I am a queen, I am a queen,” as in,
    Inanna, Queen of Heaven.
    I’ve done my time in the dark underworld ๐Ÿ™‚
    I am a Queen Queen Queen Queen beautiful beautiful QUEEN yay yay I love that word! It feels so true!!!

    I feel lighter, my gut feels more settled, although some tears are coming up.
    I can let go of believing the lies I was told about me.
    I am a Queen, worthy of a True King.
    No more jesters ๐Ÿ˜€ (although he’s welcome to make me squeal with laughter!)



  154.  #154Mel on January 17, 2013 at 9:53 am

    Mercedes, ๐Ÿ™‚

    Lori, Yup. Now I occasionally cook for him or plan something, but it’s more like an 80/20 kind of thing. I do it when I feel like it or if he specifically asks. And that feels good.



  155.  #155Starla on January 17, 2013 at 9:53 am

    Lori, wellll were you in a relationship before? or were you not, and it’s actually exactly the same as it always was?



  156.  #156Lori on January 17, 2013 at 9:56 am

    Starla, 154, yes, we were in a relationship before. He told me 3 weeks ago he didn’t want to be in a relationship but it’s like nothing has really changed. We are still talking just like before. We may get together next week to talk. not sure.

    He let on this morning that one of his systems went down 3 weeks ago. he’s been really frustrated trying to get it fixed. Hasn’t happened yet.

    Hmm, coincidence that he told me that at the same time?



  157.  #157Starla on January 17, 2013 at 9:58 am

    Mel, 80/20 is about perfect for me too. i do love my giving, creative, planning energy, and i never want to stifle it. but it took me a long time to generate the self awareness needed to know when indulging that side of myself was actually stifling intimacy and bonding.



  158.  #158Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 9:58 am

    Lori: “He told me 3 weeks ago he didnโ€™t want to be in a relationship but itโ€™s like nothing has really changed.”

    Maybe it’s time for you to change it.

    Are you circular dating?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  159.  #159Starla on January 17, 2013 at 10:00 am

    exactly, mercedes. it’s only logical that she’s the one who gets to change things up now. He’ll never know what hit him. muahahahaha. i have a vision of him beating down lori’s door for your attention and love and commitment….



  160.  #160Mel on January 17, 2013 at 10:02 am

    Starla,

    Ditto.

    I’ve also started directing most of my creative, giving, planning energy towards myself. It feels exciting to rethink my career, and plan stuff for my better good. ๐Ÿ˜‰



  161.  #161Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 10:03 am

    had a nap and a healthy, hardy lunch. Feel so much better and centered…



  162.  #162Starla on January 17, 2013 at 10:05 am

    Lori, i feel pretty optimistic about your situation. i think a vibe shift is just what’s needed.

    what i mean by that is you start looking at contact from him differently. it’s something he does cuz HE wants to talk to you. he wants to entertain YOU. he wants attention from YOU. when he calls you, it’s not your job to show him how supportive and entertaining you are… at least not beyond your usual wonderful self with any other regular human. instead, you soak up the energy and attention he gives to you like a fern who loves to be watered, and continue to PERMIT his contact in your life as long as it keeps you feeling good in this basic way.

    you are the prize, girl.



  163.  #163Lori on January 17, 2013 at 10:05 am

    lmbo Mercedes and Mel! You two are cracking me up. I am on two dating sites. I’m receiving offers and am flirting and chatting but I haven’t went out with anyone yet.

    He doesn’t know that I’m on the sites. How do I change things up? It’s obvious that he doesn’t really want to lose me while he’s trying to figure things out.

    He’s the kind of man that has had a lot of women in his life. He has said that he doesn’t want that anymore and that I’m different and more complete than any woman he’s known.

    ANY advice or suggestions would be welcomed!



  164.  #164Lori on January 17, 2013 at 10:09 am

    oooh, I like that Starla! When he calls, it’s natural for me to be happy to hear from him. We talk about a lot of different things, laugh, tease.

    I’m thinking that normally he ends the conversation. I think it’s time that I ended the conversation.



  165.  #165Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 10:12 am

    Lori! He told you he doesn’t want a relationship! That means he is not in a relationship with you! Date! Please! Real live in person DATES! Find a man who DOES want a relationship!

    If this upsets him (as it upset J when I did it) and if it’s true that “he doesnโ€™t really want to lose me while heโ€™s trying to figure things out” he will figure things out very, very quickly and chase you down. Right now, you are (at least in his mind) sitting around waiting for him to come back and want that relationship. How about you show him you’re not interested in sitting around and tell him that he should call you when he’s got it all together because if you’re still single when he calls, you would absolutely LOVE to have dinner with him…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  166.  #166Mel on January 17, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Lori,

    Well, you gave him the no GF speech. He knows that you’re open to him, but are not going to wait around for him to decide what he wants.

    So… do just that. Don’t wait around. Accept some casual coffee dates. No pressure, it totally doesn’t matter if you hit it off or not because it’s all just fun. Smile and flirt with real people. The barista at the coffee shop, the man behind you at the grocery store, the stranger who holds open the door for you as you’re entering a building.

    Get on with your life. Do things that make you feel happy. Try to make a list of all the things you have ever wanted to do, but never have. And do them. One by one.

    Plan a trip. By yourself or with friends. Even if it takes you a while to save.

    Make a personal goal or two.

    Life your life. If he wants to be a part of it, he will come around. By then you will likely not be interested anyways. Because you will have your pick from dozens of great men.



  167.  #167Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Yeah…what Mel said!



  168.  #168Lori on January 17, 2013 at 10:16 am

    Mercedes, I’m planning on it. I’ve been invited out and will accept, even though it’s not something that I’m very thrilled about. I’m doing it for me, not for anyone else.

    Am I supposed to let him know that I’m accepting invitations out? Otherwise, how would he even know that I was dating?



  169.  #169Mel on January 17, 2013 at 10:19 am

    Lori,

    You absolutely do not have to let him know anything. You already told him you will not wait. He KNOWS he has no claim on you unless he steps up.

    He will sense the change in your vibe. He will notice that you’re not as available as you used to be. He will FEEL the change.

    And he may (or may not) be thus inspired to take action.



  170.  #170Tam on January 17, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Hm. I wonder if I should be a lover rather than a girlfriend. Actually, I do not feel inspired to commit to Curly…and the thought of committing to anyone right now is kind of weird.
    Maybe I ought to just commit to myself right now.
    And to stuff that feels good.
    No sleepovers, just dates and fun and being taken to fun things….



  171.  #171Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 10:24 am

    Lori: You can take that how it comes (personally, I told J but it doesn’t necessarily have to go that way). There’s no real reason to tell him. He’s the one who ended the relationship with you so it’s really none of his business but since you are still talking daily, I’d be open about it (again…do what feels right).

    It doesn’t matter at all whether he “knows you are dating” or not. You are not in a relationship with him!!!! He does not want a relationship!!!! Dating other men is not about whether or not he ever knows you are dating. What difference would it make if he knows or not? You are single, right? You just had your man tell you he does not want to be in a relationship with you, right? Forget what he knows or doesn’t know or whatever. Tell him if it feels right to tell him. Don’t tell him if that feels better. Doesn’t matter. He isn’t your boyfriend and the sooner you fully realize that in your heart the more excited you will be about going on out these dates with the future love of your life…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  172.  #172Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 10:26 am

    And Mel’s thoughts about vibe and “feeling” that change…. Yup! That’ll happen!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  173.  #173Lori on January 17, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Actually Mel, I never told him I wouldn’t wait, he told me he didn’t want me to wait on him and possibly miss an opportunity. I never told him that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him. This was totally his decision.

    I did tell him that I would not chase him and that he knew how to find me if he wanted to talk to me.

    In the meantime, believe me, I’m going on with my life. I’m very busy with my work, my kids, my friends. I do make plans to do things and have a lot of activity. It just doesn’t involve a man. Frankly, they feel yucky to me. lol!

    But, I know I need to do this so am going to.



  174.  #174Tam on January 17, 2013 at 10:28 am

    …that would also mean I can still date Chubby and anyone else who shows up, send naughty messages to MrP and get him all hot and bothered…and then disappear.
    and not feel guilty about anything.
    Hehe.
    I feel mischevious… ๐Ÿ™‚



  175.  #175Lori on January 17, 2013 at 10:28 am

    so the dating changes my vibe? My energy?

    It is fun to flirt and laugh.



  176.  #176Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 10:29 am

    “he told me he didnโ€™t want me to wait on him and possibly miss an opportunity”

    I agree with him completely. Don’t miss out on a single opportunity. Date them all! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  177.  #177Lori on January 17, 2013 at 10:34 am

    Gees, I could be busy every evening! lol! He had said something about us seeing each other next week to talk. I’m not going to bring it up. We’ll see what he does.



  178.  #178Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 10:36 am

    Lori: Right! Continue with your plans and if you are free when he wants to meet with you and if you want to meet with him then accept. If you are tied up then turn him down. Enjoy this! I know that sounds hard, but you have an opportunity to see just how much he doesn’t want to lose you and at the same time you’ll get to meet lots of new men. Enjoy this! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  179.  #179Lori on January 17, 2013 at 10:39 am

    You’re right Mercedes, I guess I’ve been scared that if I wasn’t available to him when he had time because of his schedule, that he would move on but…we aren’t in a relationship. He will either step up or he will let me go.



  180.  #180Rori Raye on January 17, 2013 at 10:47 am

    jackie – Please get some private coaching or a program right NOW – you can try Mort Fertel – he’s great, I suggest primarily you start with my ebook and start COMMUNICATING with your husband in a completely NEW and DIFFERENT way, that you change your hair and colors so that YOU feel different – and approach this as a “dating” issue for yourself. I totally believe you and your familiarity have the advantage here…and you have to know what to do and make the shifts inside you and outside you as quickly as you can. This is always about sex and emotional safety, and you can bring back both while you heal anger, boredom and resentment . Love, Rori



  181.  #181Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 10:50 am

    he will let me go – Lori he has let you go. Read your words. If he is that busy how will he be able to step up for someone else?



  182.  #182Starla on January 17, 2013 at 10:51 am

    Gosh, Mel’s post about not being the giving, overfunctiony woman in the relationship was just in time. Something just happened that reaffirms everything she said!

    Last night, QZ left his cell phone in my car on accident. He just came to pick it up from me at my job. When I went out to meet him, I had thoughts of maybe giving him a little hand massage or a quick shoulder rub, cuz i know how stressed he gets when he loses that damn phone (lol), and i also wanted to ‘show’ him how nice it is to see me in the middle of the day.

    Fortunately, before I could remember when I had in mind, he wrapped me up in his arms to protect me form the cold breeze, and started massaging MY back. and i just melted. and he started gushing about how it sucks to lose his phone but he feels lucky cuz it means he gets to see me so soon after our last date. and that he likes to see me in my ‘adorable’ work clothes.

    so it seems as though he just might be quite inspired to visit me more in the middle of our work day for lunches and quick visits, but not because i gave him an amazing shoulder or hand rub. It’s all just cuz i am my regular self and let him give to me and i melt when he’s around.



  183.  #183Lori on January 17, 2013 at 10:53 am

    FW, I get that but he hasn’t totally let me go because he’s still calling. He’s still being the same way he was before. Talk about mixed signals.

    I’ve accepted a coffee date. I just want to have fun.



  184.  #184Lori on January 17, 2013 at 10:55 am

    Starla, that’s awesome! I get what you mean. When he was telling me the issue he was having with work, I had to stop myself from offering to help. ugh. I just said “I’m sorry, that is stressful”.



  185.  #185Starla on January 17, 2013 at 10:55 am

    *fortunately, before i could remember *what* i had in mind

    typossssss



  186.  #186Starla on January 17, 2013 at 10:57 am

    lori, i would really encourage you not to perceive this man’s actions as “mixed signals.” it’s not. he said straight up that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. the way he’s acting right now (calling you and flirting with you) doesn’t conflict with his statement in the slightest.



  187.  #187Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 10:59 am

    Sue โ€“ Youโ€™re not going to like this โ€“ but if youโ€™re participating in fighting, instead of building an emotional bond with him โ€“ youโ€™re basically destroying the relationship. And I can tell from your โ€œhave a good day and stay safeโ€ that youโ€™re a big overfunctioner and โ€œnurturer,โ€ and donโ€™t know how to be a โ€œgirl.โ€ Please read everything you can here, participate, and download my ebook NOW. Love, Rori



  188.  #188Lori on January 17, 2013 at 10:59 am

    Okay, me, if I wasn’t interested in someone, I would not call them nor would I be flirtatious with them.

    So do I just move on then? Frankly, men make me want to barf. lmbo!

    I know I can’t allow myself to close off so, yes, I’m going to CD. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by it.



  189.  #189Starla on January 17, 2013 at 11:03 am

    no lori, you like him and you don’t have to move on. the “rori raye 3rd way” means you keep entertaining him as a CD, but you date others. try for at least 3. treat them all the same in terms of who gets your time.

    i know you wouldn’t call up a guy and flirt with him unless you wanted more. i totally get it. i’ve learned that men and women can be sooo different in this way.



  190.  #190Starla on January 17, 2013 at 11:07 am

    i also agree you don’t have to tell him diddly squat about dating others. and to be honest, i think if you told him now or in the near future, explicitly, “i am dating others,” or even hinting at it deliberately, it might actually reek of desperation.

    if you just date others, he will pick up on it. seriously, men are animal species and most are able to pick up on it, at least subconsciously.

    for example, i took a new date to a birthday party a couple of years ago, my ex entered the room and greeted me very platonically, and my new date suddenly got physically possessive over me, wrapping me up in his arms and offering me a drink, even though my date had no way of knowing this was my ex boyfriend greeting me. instincts and biology will work to our advantage here. no need to say a thing to inspire them.



  191.  #191Violette on January 17, 2013 at 11:07 am

    C said I needed to give him time, when I mentioned I had some discomfort around the sex stuff. I don’t feel right “giving him time” though. Why should I give him time? Why should I “help him?” get comfortable with me in bed? That’s not my job and I can feel the resentment coming on just at the thought of it.
    But part of me prefers this thought to letting him go completely. I haven’t called him back in a couple of days.
    I’m afraid. I want to let go of the fear, and do what’s right for me, even if it takes courage.

    Is it ok to tell him I adore so many things about being him but I don’t feel we’re a match sexually? Is that honest or unkind?

    I want this to be over. I resent this challenge. But I know it’s here to help me to get what I want in my life. I am going to move through it as gently as I can.



  192.  #192Smile on January 17, 2013 at 11:08 am

    Feeling motivated ๐Ÿ™‚



  193.  #193Smile on January 17, 2013 at 11:12 am

    Elsie, hi!

    Sometimes for me it’s hard to tell if someone is your processing or actually waiting for a reply/response.

    No one here ‘ignores’ anyone, mostly I respond to posts that relate to me and I do read all posts but it’s hard to read longer posts in detail.

    If you are wanting a specific question answered put it in a separate shorter post so more likely to be seen, if all else fails just ask again lol!



  194.  #194Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 11:12 am

    Lori – he hasnโ€™t totally let me go

    Believe his words. Are you saying you would allow him to string you along like his puppet or puppy?



  195.  #195Lori on January 17, 2013 at 11:14 am

    Starla 189, thank you for saying this. I was feeling a little discouraged as I do not want to give up on him. But, I know I need to shake things up.

    He did get a little possessive when we were talking. He had said I was sweet. When I laughed and said he’s the only one that calls me that (mainly because I’m usually considered feisty), he said that no one else has permission to call me sweet. Hmm, really.

    Do men sense when there are other men in the picture? Even from a distance?



  196.  #196Lori on January 17, 2013 at 11:16 am

    FW 194, oh heck no!

    Ladies, I’m not just sitting home waiting on him. I don’t have enough time in the day to do everything I want to do. I work a lot, am launching a new business, I hike, dance, meet friends for coffee. do things with my kids. I am really busy. It’s the men dept that I don’t make much time for.



  197.  #197Smile on January 17, 2013 at 11:16 am

    Hi sirens, I am running out of ways to ‘melt’ over amb cd and it would feel great to get a few more feeling messages under my belt… Here are the ones I have so far… I feel excited in the anticipation of receiving some more ideas!!

    Aw, that feels great to hear!

    My little face lit up hearing that!

    I feel sky blue inside ( thanks daria)

    Im feeling all smiley

    It feels great to see your name on my phone when you text

    I feel all melty when you talk like that

    I can feel my cheeks turning pink, blush ๎–

    That feels great to receive



  198.  #198Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 11:16 am

    “If a man is out of sorts, not in his happy loving vibe, do NOT try to cheer him up. Meet him where he is at Whatever is going on its not yours to fix. And the moment you try he’s gonna get angry.

    If he’s angry say “wow I hear how angry you are. Today must be really shit”.

    These are Rori’s words. I would tweak this script a little and replace the “โ€œIโ€™m sorry, that is stressfulโ€ with it.



  199.  #199Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 11:18 am

    Smile only you really know how you feel. I noticed you didn’t say anything about your heart.



  200.  #200Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 11:18 am

    Or how your stomach feels. Or if you feel lit up inside by something.



  201.  #201Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 11:19 am

    One I like and use even with friends is “I love the music of your voice. It helps me enjoy the joy of a rich conversation”.



  202.  #202Lori on January 17, 2013 at 11:19 am

    agreed FW. He was out of sorts this morning, I didn’t offer to help, I would have done that previously. I just said “I’m sorry”.



  203.  #203Starla on January 17, 2013 at 11:21 am

    “My little face lit up hearing that! ”

    I like “I feel all lit up hearing that”



  204.  #204MovingMagic on January 17, 2013 at 11:23 am

    So, I’m stepping away from sugar for a while, unless it’s natural fruit sugars/agave. I thought I would miss my vegan brownies more than I actually do. It’s interesting how the mind works when it comes to these things. Creatures of habit, really.



  205.  #205Pe on January 17, 2013 at 11:23 am

    Hi Lori,

    I totally agree with Mercedes. Change ur attitude and u change the game. Build expectations and mystery don’t quickly answer everytime he calls, call back in an hour or 2, dont give any explinations just a warm “hi, you called me ?” don’t stay forever on the phone like u have all day to talk, wait for a moment of silence and end the conversation first “well,it was nice talking to you, have a great day talk to you soon,bye”. Same goes if he texts or sends an email, it’s even better when your r texting ! take ur time to lean back read what he says and to come up with an appropriate answer , 5 minutes should do it, don’t say “lol” all the time, if he texts u stuff like “i miss u” remember that these are just words just send a smiley or a wink . If ur doing something when he contacts u call him back after ur done or answer again warm and open “hi, i’m feeling good thank you, listen i’m doing…can u call me back ? thanks” That will help you change ur vibe big time. Just think about how at ease you are around a man you are not attracted too, cool, warm, open but since he’s not your man, your focus is not on him when you are around him, but on yourself ! If he invites u out, show him u r not on his schedule decline or suggest another time “i’d love that, but tomorrow is not a good time for me, how about friday ? what do u think? ok great ! see you friday bye !” My point is even you do go out on dates and you are living your life, if all he has to do is call or text or email and you are ALWAYS available, always ready to see him when HE feels like it, you will still be sending the message that even tought u clearly stated u dont want a relationship with me,i’m here ! all you have to do is press that dial button. He will feel without you saying anyhting that yeah you like/love him but he no longer have a hold on you, he will then have to decide if he wants you or not, if he does he’s gonna have to step it up.



  206.  #206Smile on January 17, 2013 at 11:23 am

    200, I feel giggly,

    I don’t even know how my stomach feels lol apart from maybe… A bit squishy!

    Could you maybe give me and example? I understand the heart reference but it feels hard to create a feeling message around this.



  207.  #207MovingMagic on January 17, 2013 at 11:25 am

    I’ve also started teaching myself Portuguese. I figure I should, since I want to teach Samba in the future. Now if only I could tackle my living space. Yikes.



  208.  #208Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 11:25 am

    RE 194 – Lori give us, him, everyone around you the pleasure of understanding that feeling of excitement you get when you’re getting ready to walk out the door to explore something new. “Let him experience the way you light up and vibrantly enjoy talking about things you do in your recreational time.” Let it radiate out into the world.



  209.  #209MovingMagic on January 17, 2013 at 11:26 am

    I’ve also started teaching myself Portuguese. I figure I should, since I want to teach Samba in the future. Now if only I could focus on my living space. Yikes.



  210.  #210MovingMagic on January 17, 2013 at 11:27 am

    Sorry for the double posting.



  211.  #211Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 11:27 am

    Smile – hard yes because your attention should be focussed internally as you ask yourself “what am I feeling” “how am I feeling”. Tune into yourself and the words will come. I know how my stomach feels.



  212.  #212Starla on January 17, 2013 at 11:38 am

    moving magic, i love the portuguese language! and i am proud of you for kicking sugar to the curb for a while.

    Pe, this is awesome advice. you have a natural talent for it, it feels like! it’s nice to have you posting here:)



  213.  #213Pe on January 17, 2013 at 11:41 am

    lol Thanks Starla ! i try to do my best, feel free to ask me for help on anything ๐Ÿ™‚



  214.  #214MovingMagic on January 17, 2013 at 11:43 am

    Thank you Starla. ๐Ÿ™‚



  215.  #215Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 11:45 am

    Smile you can also use oooooos and aaaahhhhs as you smile from your heart. He will feel it.



  216.  #216MovingMagic on January 17, 2013 at 11:45 am

    That sounds amazing Pe. Feeling our life up with yumminess is the way to go.



  217.  #217Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 11:49 am

    Pe: This is exactly how I feel about it and what I needed to change about my reactions to J when I first allowed him back into my life. I had to make sure I did NOT put his call/text/email/date request over my own life and I had to make sure that everything else about my life carried a super high priority:

    ” My point is even you do go out on dates and you are living your life, if all he has to do is call or text or email and you are ALWAYS available, always ready to see him when HE feels like it, you will still be sending the message that even tought u clearly stated u dont want a relationship with me,iโ€™m here ! all you have to do is press that dial button. He will feel without you saying anyhting that yeah you like/love him but he no longer have a hold on you, he will then have to decide if he wants you or not, if he does heโ€™s gonna have to step it up.”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  218.  #218Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 11:51 am

    โ€œIโ€™m sorryโ€ – why are you apologizing? It sends a doormatty suggestion if you did nothing wrong.



  219.  #219MovingMagic on January 17, 2013 at 11:53 am

    *Filling. Not feeling. Fitting typo though. Hehe



  220.  #220Pe on January 17, 2013 at 11:54 am

    Mercedes, Yes ! A good man values, loves, stays with and marries a high value woman. Even if you don’t feel like it that’s ok we won’t tell ah ah but ACT like it.

    MovingMagic, sure is is ๐Ÿ™‚



  221.  #221MovingMagic on January 17, 2013 at 11:55 am

    I’m contemplating Roris programs. Who has her Modern Siren program, & what do you think?



  222.  #222Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 11:58 am

    MM: I’m teaching myself Portuguese too. Using Rosetta Stone but haven’t dedicated enough time to it. I need to pick that back up. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  223.  #223Daria on January 17, 2013 at 11:59 am

    Violette – this feels intriguing to me. I also have a guy that doesn’t seem sexually experienced and who is treating me very well.

    I feel urges to ‘break it off and run.’

    For me it feels important to… not give him time but give him a chance

    why? because he’s treating me so well and wants to make me happy and thats the main criteria im selecting men by

    he may learn to please me

    so far my guy has only given me ‘pecks kisses’ and texted that he wants to make love. and brought it up jokingly in person

    very tentative

    so im wondering about those urges and the resentment. is it more about self esteem?

    resentment like: i don’t want to feel icky and i don’t want to feel uncomfortable and embarassed while we figure this out

    im not willing to stand here while you fumble, and communicate that/ when i feel uncomfortable

    i think actually this is gonna be great practice for me

    then im good at communicating when i feel embarassed and uncomfortable still… and that could happen even with a man who was already skilled at physical turn on

    i feel excited to see if im actually able to create turn on with my guy

    that feels icky to write haha i feel ilke running away

    im still not gonna push him away though i feel invested and appreciative of how im treated so much



  224.  #224Daria on January 17, 2013 at 11:59 am

    Mercedes – thank you ๐Ÿ™‚



  225.  #225Smile on January 17, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    Ahhhh thanks FW! ๎–



  226.  #226Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    RE 195 – This seems so similar to Memulo’s story with her disappearing ex.



  227.  #227Smile on January 17, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    Going to carry on reading roris new ebook



  228.  #228Lori on January 17, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    okay, so you ladies said I need to actually date. I have a coffee date at 2 today. A movie tonight, coffee on Saturday and possibly one on Monday. All with a different CD. Does that work?? hahahaha!



  229.  #229Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    Daria: Thank YOU…for bringing it up…for creating the need or space or whatever to talk about it…for believing it (or wanting to – I can’t really tell from your post if you believe it yet, but I can tell you want to)…for creating space in your life for all of your dreams. I want this for you more than you know and I believe 100% that it is out there waiting for the right time to present itself into your life and your heart.

    PS: I wanted it long before my life and my heart were ready for it. It came to me much later than I would have liked. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  230.  #230Lori on January 17, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    Pe, I think you are exactly right. I haven’t went anywhere. He knows I’m right here. Yuck. I need to be accessible but less available.



  231.  #231Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    Lori: haha! Looks like you’re running with this one!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  232.  #232Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    “I need to be accessible but less available.”

    Well that’s about the prefect sentence for it…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  233.  #233Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    Prefect? LOL! I love typos!!

    (not really, but I’m trying to…)



  234.  #234Lori on January 17, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    Most definitely. I’m excited! Coffee with one cd at 2:30, then a movie with another tonight. Saturday a drink with another. This could be fun!

    One of my guy friends said “Lori, you are one helluva woman, make him work for you”.



  235.  #235Silver-Tongued Siren on January 17, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    ugh, well i didn’t know what to do. he called me, texted me, about wanting to have breakfast with me. i didn’t answer, 13 mins later he texted he could take a hint, heading home now.

    I called him half an hour later, said sorry for missing the message, baby was using the phone to watch a movie. (he was).

    after that I mentioned feeling sad that he took all our photos down, and feeling unimportant. (oops?) …after that we got into a conversation about our relationship, but we are still stuck on everything now, pehaps we are stuck in the “power struggle” stage of a relationship – both stuck on what hurts, perceptions of whats going on, what we are demanding.. and it didn’t feel good. our discussion started to feel “argumentative” according to him, and i know what he means.

    NOW he says maybe we should take a 28 day “break” to break habits even though he wants to talk to me and the baby and come over and see us and hold me.

    ๐Ÿ™

    I don’t want to do that but didn’t say anything one way or the other.

    he says he wants to see me but we need to get back to basics if we ever want to have a relationship – and be FRIENDS. I said that’s important in any relationship – politeness, kindness, thoughtfulness.. and he added “respect” for each others space and desires (which I am always about -respect, respect –

    but I feel bad hearing this from him because throughout our relationship he has used it back at me, to mean that I should “respect” his bipolar ACTING OUT behavior (talking means is that it was not ok with me if he was talking to/having sex with other women, staying out partying all night, or other things he does occasionally when he is feeling controlled or criticized or in an “unpleasable” stage, a downward side of bipolar.) So he is currently meaning that basically in being just “friends” we will practice my “respecting” him if he wants to see other people…. or respect his “space” now that he decided I should have to move out of our home.) basically I should “respect” anything he decides he wants. Fine, I will – with a lot of SPACE! If I can figure out how to do that.

    I need HELP with this!!



  236.  #236Silver-Tongued Siren on January 17, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    ANNIE – your earlier comment – yes, HE owns the house, and we are not legally married due past legal entanglements of mine. So I am left unprotected. I have to deal with that so that in the future I am better protected.



  237.  #237Silver-Tongued Siren on January 17, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    So when someone feels pain in their rlsp, they want to get out because they want to avoid the pain and don’t know how to do that within the relationship.

    Right now our interactions still end up not feeling good like today and last night. (haven’t mentioned that here yet)

    So he doesn’t feel GOOD with our interactions (=he wants a 28 day “break”), and he wants to be FRIENDS right now (…I don’t understand this – I say we can be friends, work on our foundation of respect, kindness, etc, in a *romantic context*. He refuses, but I don’t understand what his objection is.

    He says if we can’t be FRIENDS then I have lost him and we have nothing.)…

    … I don’t understand why we can’t nurture these things WITHIN a romantic context.. and I know he wants to see me (and baby too).

    I don’t know what to do here –

    Should do what he asks and be “friends” and let the rest go (and hope he gets us back to being more)..

    Should stick to NO JUST FRIENDS..we will see each other only in a romantic context of at least “dating”

    Or is there a third option?
    in which I could say okay, lets do the friends thing for a specific amount of time, then move on to “dating” again after we have established a good habit of ..respect and kindness. perhaps 28 days since he says that’s how long it takes to break a habit..

    This sounds constructive … and if he’s truly interested in building that I think that sounds like something he’d agree to. I’m not sure it’s the best idea tho, it may be better to stick to just “no friends.”

    I do think he is bipolar, which can be very confusing (for BOTH of us!!) It is hard for me to operate from his perceptions, which I want to be empathetic because they are very valid from his point of view, (but are often irrational from a healthy “normal” perception, or from my perception)..or to know where I should operate from.

    I have come up with a few ways of dealing with a bipolar spouse, that have worked well, but I only learned them recently. I am still experimenting to see how they work and how they can be combined with rori’s work. ..

    also he says I should date someone else so I can gain perspective. It’s really weird, his perceptions.. he doesn’t seem to “get” that I “GET” that we are not together right now, that it is “not OUR house” (i do have anger about this).. I do feel unimportant and unloved right now. He gets stuck in old perceptions of what’s happening, … maybe I don’t express myself strongly enough because I don’t want to affirm those things – because I know that you get more of what you pay attention to and your words are powerful.

    so maybe I let that roll, laugh it off, pay no attention to it.and just know that we have something very strong and will get through this (have gotten through this? have a peaceful, passionate, loving, faithful relationship?)…

    Whether you say YES or NO, you are saying YES to the universe. ..

    the problem is that I know I am powerful and have no idea how to wield this immense power sometimes.



  238.  #238Lori on January 17, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    Can someone expound on the Rori 3rd way?



  239.  #239Silver-Tongued Siren on January 17, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    So I guess one of my questions is “what do I want to affirm?”

    but I can’t affirm that we are in a relationship if we’re not, or affirm that we have a home and family together if we don’t, … you see where I’m going with this.

    What DO I affirm?

    What can I affirm that falls in alignment with what I’ve learned HERE also?

    hmm



  240.  #240k2012 on January 17, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    Hey Mercedes, I saw your message over on the other blog. I got a perfect opportunity to use the feeling message I coined leaving out the “seeing u part.” I sent a message and said that I had just returned to my desk as I was away from it at another part of the organization working. He responded by saying that it feels good to know he is on my mind and that I am thinking about him. I jumped at the oppoprtunity and said “yeah, it would feel good to hear your voice though.” He responded by saying “in due time my dear, in due time”. So as u said Mercedes I will just let him lead and relax in the present. He seems interested though. My high school is organizing our batch reunion and we discussed it as it is going to be in our country. He said he couldn’t make it as he would be travelling for work that time. So I said to him that he sound like a busy man. He acknowledged the fact and went on to say that he will have to make time for me. I will just kick back and relax and don’t worry myself. In the meantime, I will contact a friend regarding going out cause its time for cd number 2 to appear. I call this one who is overseas, overseas cd. Comments ladies? Waiting to hear from u.



  241.  #241Silver-Tongued Siren on January 17, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    How to handle his contact?

    I would *consider* the rori raye third way IF we were there – but right now he says he wants to be only friends “so we can build a healthy foundation” .. I said NO friends unless in romantic context.

    Until he agrees to that, how do I handle his calls and texts? Invites, things he needs me to find, etc.

    AND Drop-Ins (because he WILL drop in if he knows where I am).

    Do I just ignore him? .. that feels like pushing him out of my life, when I LIKE his contact..



  242.  #242Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    Silver: If I were in your place, I would do exactly what I told Lori I would do in her place. I would start dating.

    If he wants to be “just friends”, I don’t think I could do that. In your case, he needs to see the baby so you can’t avoid seeing him, but you can let him know that you are seeing him only because of your child and that you aren’t interested in “just friends” so if he doesn’t want to be with you romantically, it’ll have to be only for the purposes of making sure your child has him in his life. Other than that, you’re off to find the relationship you want. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  243.  #243Silver-Tongued Siren on January 17, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    I feel sad, because he is trying to make contact with me, wanting to come over for breakfast after yoga this morning..

    I don’t want to push his contact away..
    He wants contact with me and wants it to FEEL GOOD.

    But I do NOT want to be put into a friend box, I want to be in a romantic context. ONLY.

    but he doesn’t want to let it be in a romantic context, or so he says – at least doesn’t want to be confined into saying that.. This is my own judgement but maybe it’s because he thinks I don’t “GET” it or “see reality” as he puts it – he thinks I still think we’re in a relationship or it’s still OUR house .. (I do feel weird he is so quick to say it’s HIS house, or HIS anything. but maybe he’s just trying to express himself strongly to be clear? and perhaps I don’t express myself strongly enough for fear of what I may be affirming?) He gets quite stuck in any OLD perception of mine (no matter if it’s changed, or even if it never was my perception in the first place – it sometimes takes him a while to realize we have MOVED on from there…

    maybe I should just be strongly AGREEING with everything he says (we are not together, we should see other people, we should “be friends” and let him be a friend but have no time for him?… )..

    The past few months he has been so up and down and jekyll and hyde my head still feels like it’s on a carousel.. I feel very unclear about how I should be responding right now. I feel apologetic to my fellow Sirens for my confusion.. and thankful for me loving me and asking for help and getting support.



  244.  #244Smile on January 17, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    203 Starla, yes, it was missing the key word lol ๐Ÿ™‚



  245.  #245Smile on January 17, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    I don’t want to be married for the party but I do want to be married for the photographs.
    Roris new ebook has some beautiful photos in it of couples which made me realise this.
    But then I told myself I can manifest this for myself, visualising what I want. I am into photography at the moment, I want to have pictures up of me in a loving relationship with my man around my home.



  246.  #246Starla on January 17, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    i feel guilty and a lil creepy sharing this, but, i am fantasizing about my future wedding dress and makeup and everything for the ceremony

    i do feel weird fantasizing about these things because i have the belief that women who think about this stuff are a certain (negative) way, and i don’t want to be that girl.

    but what if my focusing positive energy on it is actually a great thing for me to do?

    or does it just make me creepy? lol.

    i want a two piece wedding gown, with a strapless corset top and a skirt bottom, with gorgeous, dainty stilletos and a little tiny bit of midriff showing.

    and a summer wedding outside at night at dusk, with twinkling lights EVERYWHERE.



  247.  #247Pe on January 17, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    Hi Starla,

    It’s UR life, u have to right to dream about whatever you want. It doesn’t make you creepy at all. I want a black and white wedding and wear a siren wedding dress…so what ? lol



  248.  #248Starla on January 17, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    i wouldn’t feel so creepy if we were actually engaged/planning the wedding

    but i don’t want to be engaged right now.

    sooo… i guess that answers that. i am NOT creepy. i just like pretty dresses and makeup and planning fun parties.



  249.  #249Pe on January 17, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    Hi Starla,

    It’s UR life, u have the right to dream about whatever you want. It doesn’t make you creepy at all ! I want a black and white wedding and wear a sexy siren wedding dress…so what ? lol



  250.  #250Starla on January 17, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    just need to be careful what i wish for. i seem to have the curse/blessing of manifesting whatever i want



  251.  #251Pe on January 17, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    Lori,

    Yes ! โ€œI need to be accessible but less available.โ€
    Listen my sister who is married is not always available to her husband, when she’s with us he calls she says “hi babe, i’m with my mom and sis watching vampire diairies, i feel excited ! dont want to miss anything gonna go bye” and hangs up ! lol sometimes she leaves her phone in her bag because she wants to fully enjoy her “family time” to realise later he called 5 times and left 3 texts. When she does call back he answers at the second, HE is the one hanging around his phone waiting for HER to call. And what’s fun about it is that it comes naturally to her.



  252.  #252Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    Starla: It’s only creepy if you’re wearing that wedding dress in your living room while crying over chick flicks and eating rocky road ice cream when he comes over. That’s creepy. And he’ll think so too. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  253.  #253Silver-Tongued Siren on January 17, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    Mercedes, thank you for your response. I agree with you about dating and intend to – others or myself, whichever works best (since I have no help with baby it isn’t easy to “date” others)…

    I am just not sure what to SAY to him when he contacts me constantly. And I really don’t want to push him out of my life but don’t want “friends” either.

    Do you think my “third option” of agreeing to “friends” for a certain time period in order for us to “rebuild good habits in our relationship”, and then move on to a romantic context… would just end up back at the point we’re at right now?

    what do you think?



  254.  #254Starla on January 17, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    Thanks, ladies! Actually, the more I think of it, the more I just want to manifest a lovely wedding… and I’m going to open a new savings account just for saving a little bit here and there for my dream dress.

    and anyway, as long as i want it, this man is really going to marry me.



  255.  #255Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    Silver: I don’t know what being friends for a certain amount of time would lead to in the end, but if you don’t want to be friends then I don’t recommend being friends. I don’t like it when people do things that don’t feel good to their hearts and this doesn’t seem like it would feel good to your heart.

    This is so hard to say and probably will be hard for you to hear but here goes anyway: I think if this man wanted to rebuild good habits in your relationship, he would be doing that. I think being friends with the hope that things will move on to a romantic situation is setting you up for failure because if he wants romance with you, he will go after it whether you are friends or not.

    I think you should go out on your dates when he comes to see the baby. I think you should date yourself and your child when you can. I don’t think there’s anything that needs to be said anymore. I think your actions will speak louder than your words so if you don’t want to be friends, then you should probably stop acting like a friend.

    I know it feels good when he contacts you but unless what he’s offering is good enough for you then I suggest you find a new man who feels good to be with.

    My heart goes out to you…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  256.  #256Pe on January 17, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    Hi Siver-Tongued Siren,

    You don’t agree on anything, HE is the one setting up standards right now : let’s take a break for 28 days…??? what ? after the 28 days then what ? he will magically want a to be with you forever ? You are raising a baby with no help you don’t have time and energy for these games, awesome idea he sould take 28 days of “break” and see how that works for him, that’s what you should tell him. Trust me that will get his attention fast.



  257.  #257Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    Silver: one other thing: If he contacts you constantly then that means you are constantly available to him. It’s very easy for a man to take a woman for granted when she is constantly available.

    Sometimes I like to suggest people prioritize their phone use. When you’re watching a movie, eating dinner, visiting with a friend, paying bills, playing with your baby, etc you are not also giving attention to your phone. Put everything else you do over the phone. Find specific times during the day to check it and return calls, etc but maybe don’t make it so easy to reach you. Some things are more important than answering that call/text/email. Learn what those things are to you and give them a much higher sense of urgency.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  258.  #258Sha-sha on January 17, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚



  259.  #259Pe on January 17, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    Mercedes, exactly ! if everytime he calls, texts when he feels like it and you are always there it just looks like you have no life, like you are just waiting for him to contact you. If he gets mad or upset about it that’s a good thing ! he won’t die, that’s because he will be panicking because he will see that he no longer can control you. You are not on his schedule, you answer your phone that you paid for when you want to, period. You can even tell him that you saw that he was calling but you were busy at that time.



  260.  #260Sha-sha on January 17, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    @mercedes!! Love ur advicee ……Ur a strong women and everyday I read wht u say it inspires me a lot I give u much respect….. thanks



  261.  #261Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    Sha-sha! Thank you so much!!! I am a strong woman. I never used to be but I am. And I can say that about myself because I love that about myself. I have my days when I’m not and I have my fears and my insecurities but overall, I AM strong and I get stronger every single day. ๐Ÿ™‚ When I stumble, I know I am strong so I know I can get back up. I’m no longer afraid that I’ll never get back up….I will.

    Again, thank you! So, so much for that beautiful compliment!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  262.  #262Iamabutterfly on January 17, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    I miss my friend, SMC, and I’m wondering if I did the right thing. Maybe when I’m stronger, we really can be friends…but for right now, I feel sad and embarassed and I miss him…and I feel guilty that I’m so weak that I can’t handle it…I feel sad…:(



  263.  #263Starla on January 17, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    aw i feel really good now imagining our wedding.

    not creepy at all



  264.  #264Turquoise on January 17, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Starla… do you talk about marriage? Sweetheart talks about it a lot, wants to know if when things are different, I’d consider being his wife, talks about wanting to be my husband. I’m worried if we talk about it so much now, when it’s not even a possibility, that it won’t feel special if/when it does happen. He told me he’d marry me in a heartbeat. That he believes he’ll probably cry because I’d be such a beautiful bride. He talks about getting me a ring. It’s lovely, but feels a little overwhelming since he’s not divorced and it’s still a new relationship. Anything similar happening with you?



  265.  #265Starla on January 17, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    also, ladies, i never talked again with him about clarifying the timelines till being engaged. honestly, i forgot all about it when i spent time with him.

    but he did talk a little more about it.. it seems like he’s thinking in a year or so we’ll get engaged

    sounds perfect. i couldn’t ask for a better timeline. not too fast, not too slow.



  266.  #266Starla on January 17, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    turquoise, no, it’s not like that with us. because when we had the convo the first time, we simultaneously expressed wanting it to be a surprise, and also not being bound to any expectation of a precise timeline.



  267.  #267Sha-sha on January 17, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    Mercedes! Ur welcome ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ …….. something clicked in my head today reading ur guys advice on answering call/texts/emails ….. I too always answer my guys calls soon as he does even if I’m in the middle of something………. its time for a change up lol thanks for that…… I have a question for u guys wht u think…. we talked about marrige and moving in toogether….. but should I still be Cding untill that actually happens…….. I do talk to others on the internet but no actual dates? I see him a lot and my guy calls me everyday and everynight and we are only sexual with eachother… he calls me his girlfriend and tells me he loves me daily….



  268.  #268Tam on January 17, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    Sexting with MrP….sheesh, I never did this before and it’s so much fun!!! Totally Rockstar, he sends the first and last ones…and I play and have fun with him.
    OMG, it almost feels weird, like I am using the ‘poor boy’ for my enjoyment.
    He he.
    And why the h*ll not.
    I am learning to sext….and he gets all hot and bothered and is constantly thanking me for providing him of a fantasy…of me…

    But I don’t want to see him at all. Ha!!



  269.  #269Tam on January 17, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    he started it off this pm with a text saying ‘thank you for the pleasure – and you didn’t even have to do a thing’
    he was fantasising about me in the morning and afternoon..ha!! I feel totally amused by this.
    Is that bad? ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Feels playful with two men right now..and I don’t want either. It’s a powerful position to be in..I like to keep it that way…



  270.  #270Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    Sha-sha: “we talked about marrige and moving in toogetherโ€ฆ.. but should I still be Cding untill that actually happens”

    I think that’s a very individual thing. I think you cd until you have the relationship you want and after that, you cd yourself. I also think there is a big difference between “talking about moving in and marriage” vs *actually* moving in and getting married. I guess it depends on where your heart is. Rori’s advice is to cd until you have the relationship you want (not just until he talks to you about it).

    Guys can talk about stuff like that for years and never actually do anything about it so the advice is solid: “cd until you have the relationship you want and cd yourself after that.”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  271.  #271Linda on January 17, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    lama.

    I read your posts today with great interest. Grief is what it is. It is simply experiencing a loss of something that was important to us. The attention that you had from SMC fed a need in you. There is also another need you have his presence in your life did not meet and caused you discomfort. Odd how a single person and our interactions can have the effect on us.

    Are you aware of what drove your interaction with him? You have the answer in there somewhere. It occurs to me as I have followed your story that he may well come to respect you for your decision. He may even grow up and take ownership of his own behavior that would allow him to flirt shamelessy with you while being involved with another. I wonder if a man with that type of character would really be good partner material?

    It is natural to grieve the loss and to second guess your decision. I hesitate to use the word co-dependant but some relationships have that effect on us. I think it is all healthy and a great step toward your happiness that you want. Time will tell. It always does. Dont forget to look yourself in the mirror and paint yourself with some good loving thoughts in your sadness. You have done something really healthy for yourself but have just planted its seed. It will bring fruit and I bet it will taste better than anything you have ever eaten before.

    Hugs to you



  272.  #272Silver-Tongued Siren on January 17, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    Many times I have thought, “if I could just change my perception about what is happening in my relationship, if I could change my perception about what MILW acting out means- realizing it’s just his own insecurity and reasserting that he is in control over himself.. If I could change my perception to know that my relationship is secure, he is faithful and that I am completely important to him….

    If I could just change my perception and decide I HAVE everything I want, If we could change our perceptions and decide that we feel HAPPY and HAVE EVERYTHING ALREADY,

    How would this change our relationship?

    Marianne Williamson teaches this – miracles occur when we change our perception. Is this true?


    Is it that simple? Could changing our perception, our “frame of reference”, change our relationship?

    I feel certain that asking questions is important….

    If I decided that his bipolar behaviors acting out and sleeping with someone on an occasional basis mean nothing and I am as secure as any wife whose husband is entirely faithful to her, would that change things?

    Maybe I could even go so far as to perceive his complete mental HEALTH and clear perceptions, and somehow give more empathy to his (inaccurate/bipolar) perceptions without compromising my own reality, would that change things?

    Am I in this situation right now, out of my home, without my partner, because I didn’t accept that I was secure and safe, or because he didn’t accept that he is accepted and respected, or that all our financial needs will be provided for, or that I make all the money I need to make even if it doesn’t seem like it’s enough to pay things 50%?

    Would I just be a wife in our home together, feeling insecure, whose husband still slept with someone occasionally, who didn’t have enough help with the baby or enough time with her man? And he be a husband who felt all the financial burden lay on him and that he wasn’t accepted or respected?

    Or would my frame of reference, my strong belief/change in perception to one of his faithfulness and my security, create the same beliefs in him?

    He has said many times before what I have sensed-

    ***Whatever reality I assert, he is magically drawn into it.*** It takes a lot of willpower on his part not to be.

    It is also confusing because of his bipolar behaviors, his very off perspectives.. sometimes naturally when we have had issues I did something I didn’t even know until the last few weeks is helpful in dealing with bipolar behaviors – A reset.

    If their perspectives are very off about something, do not invalidate them. For them, their perspective is reality just as much as anyone elses. Instead, affirm them wherever you can, validate them. Allow them to calm down. When they are calmed down, re-assert reality. This is the reset. This has happened naturally many times.. Sort of “surfing the waves” of inevitable ups and downs, “keep calm and carry on”. Don’t be too moved by anything, allow it to pass and keep moving forward.

    It has worked well to assert my own reality in general, but since my reality often involves not feeling safe and secure and loved, …well.. look what I got. Myself and my baby out of our home, away from our family – separate from MILW and baby’s sister. and baby “wanna go hommme”. he’s been crying for papa and sister and been very clingy and needy of my attention and comfort.

    Despite all my fears of being away, it is relieving that I still feel we are so deeply connected that nothing can really separate us. Yet I also feel I could be distracted easily into another relationship – like old friends going back where they left off I am sure my strong connection with MILW will remain the same. I worry though because I realize having sex with others (as he has done) is spiritually, energetically, chemically and mentally confusing. Maybe men are immune to this. lol.

    So I have seen “resets” work in our relationship, not even knowing it.
    I also am apparently better than I feel at causing him to feel inspired, when I believe it enough.

    He has a few times told me this all on his own: He doesn’t know how it happens, but he feels magically drawn into my vision and it takes a lot of willpower not to get caught up in it.— Whatever vision I feel strongly enough, he starts feeling too.

    Now I am without him, out of our home..
    I wonder how I can apply this?.. Or if I should at all.

    I wonder what relationships would look like if we simply changed our perceptions, simply KNOW that all mistakes are a call for love, that we already have what we need and want, even if it doesn’t appear so at the moment?

    Does this ring true to you?

    In what ways have you applied this before, or currently?

    Is it possible to apply this in ways that align with Rori’s work?

    I wonder how I can apply this in my current circumstances.



  273.  #273Pe on January 17, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    Sha-Sha,

    The point of circular dating, is too really make you see that there are other men out there, that you have options, to keep you from getting hung up on one particular man especially if he’s not stepping it up, to help you with your vibe. Women have men chasing them without circular dating so i think that that decision is really up to you, your vibe is what’s really important here



  274.  #274Lori on January 17, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    Hey girls, so I met with a cd for coffee. It was fun, okay. I have another date this evening for a movie. This could be fun! lol.



  275.  #275Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    Silver: I think perception is incredibly important but I also firmly believe, in your situation, you should be circular dating. Sometimes that alone will help you shift perception to a more realistic one.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  276.  #276Starla on January 17, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    sha-sha, my man and i are completely exclusive and i stopped dating others, but we’ve only TALKED about the next step (and are on the same page). It really is up to you where you want to draw the line for exclusivity.

    that said, you might want to get clear with yourself soon, and if it’s not exclusivity you want right now, tell him soon. because the whole flirting with men online thing can definitely be construed as a kind of cheating if you’re not on the same page with your man about exclusivity and expectations. you’d almost be better off going to a club or bar and flirting with real live men there, because that’s more of an innocent ‘just a girl here’ act, versus the deliberate, pre-meditated act of seeking out that man’s replacement online.



  277.  #277Starla on January 17, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    i wouldn’t be exclusive with QZ if it weren’t for us talking about timelines first. an open-ended “sure babe i’d love to get married some day if it all works out” is not good enough for me. it’s sweet, but it’s not enough to take me off the market.



  278.  #278Linda on January 17, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    Today when I was driving home from work I had tears well up in my eyes. I had no paticular reason. So I held that feeling and followed it inside.. I had been thinking about FavoriteCD and how much I really like him. I was feeling gushy and communicative and wanting to tell him about all the things I truely appreciate about him. THen I felt that I should come to my senses and stop that because some of it feels leaning forward and some it feels all flowy and authentic.

    I had this other voice pipe in and say… but what about the half empty bottle of wine in the frig (who drank that)? WHy did he disapear on Sunday and stutter around about it? OMGosh… I feel fear that he has not been truthful about seeing anyone else… then I went into yes and his text was short and felt disengaged. Then the thought… yeah and he has not introduced you to his family yet and he keeps saying he will. (I have said I would be very happy to meet the ones he holds dear and near in his heart)…My negative voices have won me and I feel like I need to break off this relationship really soon. I feel sick typing this.

    I have had two other men flake out on me. I dont want that again. I dont want anymore pain. I dont want to want something that I cant have or wont have.

    I dont want to come so close and walk away empty again. I feel like running tonight What is wrong with me. He feels like home when we are together.
    I am embarassed to confess this but I also feel like I could explode in a paniced mess!



  279.  #279Linda on January 17, 2013 at 3:17 pm

    Silver…when I read that he asked you to leave.. with the baby and you had no place to go… I felt furious. I dont know your whole situation but a man that requires and demand that of a woman and his own child. Wow does not measure high on the respectable scale with me.

    Hugs



  280.  #280Starla on January 17, 2013 at 3:17 pm

    ((((((((Linda)))))))))



  281.  #281Turquoise on January 17, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    Starla, I did tell him I’d want it to be a surprise and he said of course! But it’s come up again. He has really bad short term memory though lol. We’ve talked timeline too.



  282.  #282Starla on January 17, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    aw, turquoise, i think he’s just excited about being with you, and maybe he kinda thinks it’s what you wanna hear. maybe when he brings up the topic, you could just say awww babe it would feel great to have happy every after with you one day. and change the subject.

    orrrr you could be direct and tell him it feels so good to be with a man who knows he wants you, and that you hear him loud and clear and are ready to just start BEING together so you can actually get to that finish line, instead of talking about it before you get there.

    then thank him again for not leaving you guessing about his intentions. i mean, really, really thank him and reward him. maybe mention again that you can see how he could end up being the forever man of your dreams, and you’re so excited to spend more time with him, etc..



  283.  #283Sha-sha on January 17, 2013 at 3:44 pm

    Mercedes/pe/starla
    Thanks for all ur advice/input u just cleared it up for me! I should be Cding myself…I’m totally happy the way. Things are right now we been exclusive for about 5months now.. I’m sorry should of made this clear I dnt go online and flirt and stuff like that just innocent convo’s I’ve had a profile for years…never flirty or sexual I. Wouldn’t want that done to me…. I do wht rori says and Never call/text first never plan dates or drive to him I make him figure it out.. I feel like he is very genuine with wht he says to me….. I just wanna make sure I dnt fall into that trap… so should I have a timeline in my head about the marriage and moving in together?



  284.  #284Turquoise on January 17, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    Thank you Starla, all sound like awesome ideas, especially the thanking him for sharing his intentions. He would absolutely love that.



  285.  #285Sha-sha on January 17, 2013 at 3:53 pm

    Forgot thanks ladies u guys rock ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ so I’m just gonna continue doing wht I have been!! Just add more cding myself……maybe more yoga and exercise…… has anyone ever thought about trying pole dancing lol always wanted to try that ๐Ÿ™‚



  286.  #286Sha-sha on January 17, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    Forgot thanks ladies u guys rock ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ so I’m just gonna continue doing wht I have been!! Just add more cding myself……maybe more yoga and exercise…… has anyone ever thought about trying pole dancing lol always wanted to try that ๐Ÿ™‚ I also volunteer at the homeless shelter and I do the dog shelter in my city….



  287.  #287Turquoise on January 17, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    Silver, do you ever think what life might be like if you aren’t with him? I believe when Rori started thinking about what she wanted, not about the man, that’s when she got what she wanted.



  288.  #288Starla on January 17, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    QZ just checked out my website for the first time and was texting me to tell me he is just amazed by me. and i told him i felt so good with him because i feel like i can pursue all my dreams and never have to make myself small for him. and that when i need to just be small, i can feel safe in his arms.

    he replied that he always wants me to feel free and protected.

    that’s my dream relationship, so i told him so ๐Ÿ˜€



  289.  #289Olivia on January 17, 2013 at 4:26 pm

    Wow super on-point post for me.

    I am struggling with memories of scary childhood abuse. After working with a therapist for over a year, I am finally acknowledging these things happened (nothing was ever “repressed”, I just never acknowledged the severity of situation).

    I get so emotional sometimes, I don’t want to DROWN my guy with my emotions.

    It takes so much inner strength sometimes to sit there silently with my sad/anxious/whatever emotions and let him come to me to cuddle or hug me or whatever.

    Any advice on how to strike that balance of not drowning the guy but being real with your sadness??!



  290.  #290ALA on January 17, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    I really like this article. So many good tips for taking care of oneself. I’m really liking the “free and low-cost” ones since I am in this financial pit that feels hopeless. I can dance and walk and meditate. All good for my soul… to feel present and connected.



  291.  #291Silver-Tongued Siren on January 17, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    Lori!! I think you are doing great with multiple dates this week!! So wonderful. sometimes i wish it were that easy for me (but have baby!) Are you on an online site? That’s a lot of dates in one week! <3

    Mercedes! Yes, I agree dating helps – or does any attention/feeling good on my side, so I can be lighter and also HE gets the vibe that I can expect more of him and that my time is valuable. Seriously, I have given this man some of the "best years of my life" and I think he will feel a lot of gratitude for that, when I get a handle on my energy again… <3



  292.  #292ALA on January 17, 2013 at 5:14 pm

    for me, Cding (besides the fun!) is interesting how it brings up the different feelings with each man. I kind of, pre-Rori noticed how each of my relationships felt different with each man, yet ultimately lost a part of myself within each and every one of them.

    Now, for example when I’m with long-haired, tattoo CD it felt exciting. On our first date last summer we were at a small festival and one of the vendors said something to us as we were walking up to his booth like “here’s the cool people showing up” lol. Making out with him felt sooo delicious and melty. I would’ve slept with him but I learned to pay attention to my body (and heart) and something felt off. I dont know if it was the right thing to say, but I told him “I feel like just a body, I don’t know what that’s about.” Perhaps it’s my body’s wisdom telling me that he isn’t the right person for me to sleep with. It’s really amazing how this stuff works! Paying attention to how you feel in the moment takes you to some pretty incredible places on this journey.



  293.  #293ALA on January 17, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    Oh my gosh, just to clarify… after a few dates, NOT on the first date I considered sleeping with him. hahaha



  294.  #294Annie on January 17, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    I want to express how
    when I read Tam and Mercedes different points of view re conflict it makes me feel.

    It feels so ironic to me reading about two different view points re conflict. so having conflict over conflict in relationships.
    I feel able to see, hear and understand both viewpoints here.
    As an observer here seeing, reading this conflict occurring it feels sad to me to see witness what is happening in this conflict and just so very ironic.

    The language lala land directed at another person feels attacking to me
    And then reading the explaining response feels defensive to me.

    It feels sad to witness.
    And reminds me of groundhog day,
    Just like when any conflict that is not resolved, just repeats over and over coming back time and time again.



  295.  #295Tam on January 17, 2013 at 5:48 pm

    Hm. Guess I get so triggered by the conflict stuff because I was a conflict avoider all my life, keeping the peace, shutting my ears, locking the door, retreating to my own ‘lala land’. I painstakingly had to learn how this is not the solution but the cause of problems. I still want to run and hide when there is conflict. It’s my learnt response.
    But, sadly, this does not strengthen relationships, it slowly undermines them and in the end leaves ice cold silence.
    My experience – and I would like to change that pattern. For me.
    That’s all.
    I did so much research on the topic and feel compelled to share what I found. But it’s pointless – I don’t want to argue for arguments sake and keep reading the sentences like ‘i feel attacked’
    I feel sad that the first impulse is to take everything personally rather than keeping an open mind. That’s where we mess up with men too.



  296.  #296Lizka on January 17, 2013 at 5:50 pm

    I miss the blog. It’s not because I have found love that I don’t come anymore. It’s just that this love (and everything else – work, friends, family, life…) takes so much of my time!!!

    Just dropping by to say hello!



  297.  #297Lizka on January 17, 2013 at 5:53 pm

    “think thatโ€™s a very individual thing. I think you cd until you have the relationship you want and after that, you cd yourself. ”

    Hmmmmmm I think I’m gonna take myself to the movies next week and buy abig nacho and see that movie that no one wants to see with me but that I’m dieing to see.

    Awww I miss the blog. I’ll try to come more often!



  298.  #298Annie on January 17, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    Mercedes,

    “We can focus on the negative and be on alert for it and attack it quickly when it shows up and get back into position and ready to attack again. ORโ€ฆwe can lose our views that say โ€œthe negative HAS to be thereโ€ and we can instead focus on the positive, touch those things and make them bloom.”

    If something feels bad to me in the moment that is a negative feeling.
    And if something feels good to me in the moment that is a positive feeling
    I personally don’t want to be on the alert for either positive or negative.
    I want to be authentically aware and accepting the reality of how I feel in the moment on if something makes me feel good or bad.
    I don’t want to deny or ignore things that make me feel bad, pretend that I do not feel bad or believe that if I do not focus on what makes me feel bad and only focus on the good that what is making me feel bad will just magically go away go away or will not exist anymore.
    I want to express my truth about my feeling is the moment positive or negative and then take appropriate action to move away from things that feel bad and move towards things that feel good.
    I want more of the good stuff and less of the bad.
    This does require an a loving action from me to enable this to happen. And sometimes that loving action will be walking away from what feels bad.

    I love all my feelings.
    I am supposed to have negative and positive feelings.
    If I wasn’t they would not exist.
    My negative feelings serve me well.
    I want to listen to them.
    They are here to protect and guide me from harm when I am in an aware state and listening to them.
    I feel grateful and thankful for my awareness in the moment of when something feels bad to me.
    The bad feeling is asking me to take notice and take responsibility and appropriate loving action to do something to make me feel better.

    Ty both negative and Positive feelings I love, accept and welcome all of you. ๐Ÿ™‚



  299.  #299Linda on January 17, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    I have never never insinuated myself into FavoriteCD’s life. I have never asked to meet his family he brings it up. (He has met almost all of mine already) He continues to speak of future things with me in it. I feel really confused and a sick at my stomach. I have worked myself into a frothy tissy. I literally need to get out of my house for a bit I feel a panic attack here. The things that I have noticed have been recorded subconsciously and surfaced today.

    I have some fiancial decisions I have to make too that I dont want to. sigh



  300.  #300Annie on January 17, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    Tam.
    295: Tam says:

    “Hm. Guess I get so triggered by the conflict stuff because I was a conflict avoider all my life, keeping the peace, shutting my ears, locking the door, retreating to my own โ€˜lala landโ€™. I painstakingly had to learn how this is not the solution but the cause of problems. I still want to run and hide when there is conflict. Itโ€™s my learnt response.”

    Hugs Tam.
    Tears, that touched my heart.

    But, sadly, this does not strengthen relationships, it slowly undermines them and in the end leaves ice cold silence.
    My experience โ€“ and I would like to change that pattern. For me.
    Thatโ€™s all.

    Feel pleased to hear that you want to change that.

    “I did so much research on the topic and feel compelled to share what I found. But itโ€™s pointless โ€“ I donโ€™t want to argue for arguments sake and keep reading the sentences like โ€˜i feel attackedโ€™
    I feel sad that the first impulse is to take everything personally rather than keeping an open mind. Thatโ€™s where we mess up with men too.”

    I feel in agreement that it is pointless to share with someone when they are not in an open and ready place to hear.

    I hear you do not want to read sentences like I feel attacked.
    I feel what I feel.
    My feelings are real to me and part of who I am and I love all of my feelings

    I accept I have no control over others actions or their use of attacking words.
    It is all out of my control.
    The only control I have is how I respond or what actions I take.



  301.  #301Linda on January 17, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    I dont have casual feelings for FavoriteCD. It does matter to me when he does not call.
    I dont want to feel this way, I was feeling so positive and hopeful and now a feeling of “almost”

    I dont feel brave or detached or what ever happens, will be ok. I care! I dont want any more rubberband men. No more hot and cold men. I want my man. He felt like my man would feel to me. Logic and experience is telling me something very different. Tonight I feel closed up and discouraged. Earlier this week I felt like a magnet now nothing.



  302.  #302Pe on January 17, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    Linda,

    Why do you feel this way if you don’t mind asking ?



  303.  #303Lori on January 17, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    It’s not easy for me to CD when I have feelings for him. But I know I need to do this. Change my vibe. It’s been a rough evening. My son was really upset about his dad. I’m going out for the movie now. The CD was understanding so we made it later.



  304.  #304Annie on January 17, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    For Clarity.
    On this occasion I did not feel attacked or write those words.

    I actually wrote.
    The language lala land directed at another person feels attacking to me.

    Different words and different meaning.



  305.  #305Emerson on January 17, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    Hi Lizka !!!



  306.  #306Femininewoman on January 17, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    Lizka!!!!!!



  307.  #307Daria on January 17, 2013 at 8:50 pm

    I love how all of us are expressing ourselves!

    We sound so … resonant

    Yay!

    We’re getting this!

    My ‘difficult’ exes are coming back w dream behavior…



  308.  #308Lori on January 17, 2013 at 9:11 pm

    So I went on my second date. Watched a movie with a CD. He’s nice. My heart’s not into this but I’m doing it.



  309.  #309Memulo on January 17, 2013 at 9:20 pm

    I feel like I’m off the market and it’s not because I want to be, but because I don’t have time and dint make an effort. My cd continues to treat me very well but I don’t talk to anyone else and that’s wrong. maybe he is my last chance? I don’t know



  310.  #310Lori on January 17, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    It’s not that it’s your last chance, it’s just a lack of interest. I’m CDing too. I’m flattered by the attention but really don’t care. It feels really weird to say that but I’m indifferent.



  311.  #311Memulo on January 17, 2013 at 9:32 pm

    Yay Daria! Your life is good without them isn’t it? Let’s see if they can earn their spot in it;)



  312.  #312Memulo on January 17, 2013 at 9:36 pm

    I wonder sometimes why the ex never said let’s be friends. I mean – I’m very busy and work is going well and I excercise a lot and my new place is pretty and people complement me and I smile again and laugh again and I don’t really wonder. But it feels odd at times



  313.  #313Memulo on January 17, 2013 at 9:38 pm

    Lori, I resist a lot. It feels like settling.



  314.  #314Indigo on January 17, 2013 at 9:51 pm

    Tam 8

    Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚ I was thinking, it’s funny, I have had guys wanting to spoil me and take me out to beautiful restaurants and interesting places, and whilst I appreciate the gestures so much, my heart sinks a bit. I have a job that I love, but which is totally exhausting – the idea of going out, getting dressed up and having to be a perfect date just makes me want to shy away from it. It’s exhausting, and it feels inauthentic because it’s not *me*. I end up pushing it away because it starts to feel like an “imposition”, weird as that sounds.

    Having a guy bring me tea whilst I lie back on the couch and he puts on my favourite show and just lies next to me and puts his arm around me, and just allows me to be MYSELF, makes me feel totally adored.



  315.  #315Lori on January 17, 2013 at 10:00 pm

    Indigo, I totally get that. I’m so tired that I don’t want to have to put myself out for anyone.

    I do have a guy friend that I cuddle with sometimes. He has no expectations of me nor I of him. Makes it nice.



  316.  #316Naina on January 17, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    Awesome post. Last year i told a boy i liked him and he completely rejected me.. I thought i wasnt pretty enough or anything so i closed myself off to everyone, even people i didnt know yet… Thanks so much!!!



  317.  #317Tereana on January 17, 2013 at 11:10 pm

    Of people have written me responses on other threads to my situation – thank you! I’ve just been wicked busy packing & moving this week, so I’ve posted, but I haven’t read as much…

    But I had an inspiration tonight. I was watching modern siren, and Rori says at one point (probably several points) that a man either geeks it for you, or he doesn’t. And then she talks about shifting our vibe. But really the part about the man is so true – he either feels it or he doesn’t. Which means that shifting our vibe does nothing to “cause” him to have a different feeling for us. I mean, we know this. I just think it is more about observation. We can see when a man loves us or doesn’t. And if he doesn’t – move on. If he does, then there’s something to work with. Shifting our vibe does a lot for US. But it’s not really about him. His feelings are crucial, though..

    I’m fascinated by how things are going with – my man? Can I call him that? YES, I can. Because he IS my man. I haven’t told him that I love him yet. But he’s told me. And he’s said he only wants to be with me – he wants to give up his single life (“crash his boat”) – he moved me into his place! He told his daughter about me. And last night, he even affirmed that he is, in fact, my boyfriend. All signs point to “yes” hahs. ๐Ÿ™‚ anyway, what did I do to get that from him? Nothing! Which is the way it should be, right?

    And in case you’re wondering, even though I’ve been at his house for a few days, we still haven’t had sex. I told him I didn’t want to rush into it, and he’s been really patient. Good man! I just want to feel really ready when it happens. And sometimes it’s nice to sleep next to someone and not have sex. But we will, eventually… ; )



  318.  #318Daria on January 17, 2013 at 11:52 pm

    I think shifting our vibe Does trigger him to ‘feel it’



  319.  #319janie baby on January 17, 2013 at 11:56 pm

    sha sha i’ve been pole dancing for 4 years. SO AMAZING if you find a good class. I don’t like the classes where it’s bright lights and all about tricks and mirrors. I like the pole classes where it’s about female dancing and sensuality and emotional expression. I did S factor.

    Also, I was leaning back majorly. I last saw my guy tuesday morning and then he never called me until last night at 2 am. and Then called around 6 pm and then around 9 pm but I was out all day. I was really sad that he didnt call me for three nights and felt a little used. I feel a little crazy now cause I feel like I’m being too needy but I just like it when a boyfriend keeps in contact more reguarly like when he used to cal lme everyday. I tried to not focus on it, lean back, CD, and keep my cool. I met a couple really nice guys earlier today who texted me and want to hang out so he must have felt that vibe shifting and kept calling me today haha.
    The vibe stuff is totally true.
    however, when I called him back tonight after my shower…I was fine in the beggining but he knew something was off and asked.
    I said “Ifeel guarded. I feel weird” and finally I couldn’t keep it in and started crying and just was not conscious anymore. I told him I didnt want to attack him I wasn’t blaming him I wasn’t angry I’m not trying to force anyone to do anything … I just felt a litlte used and guarded. He got mad and defensive and told me I was acting intense and that I need to grow up and stop living in the past comparing our relaitonship to what we used to have. I told him I didn’t like being talked to in this way. He also told me he feels like he’s always calling me, always making the plans, it’s one sided. I said “well i like feeling like the girl” he said well.. that’s weird. I don’t want a one sided relationship…he said if I felt sad that he hadn’t called me that I should have just called him and he wants me to feel comfortable callling him….
    I got upset with him telling me what to do so I cried and hung up and texted him “Ya let’s just be friends. I originally fell in love with you because you were my best friend and always kind to me when i cried. and im not getting that kind of loving support anymore. dont know why i expected things to change but ya im definitely not down for this kind of cold relationship in my youth” i just don’t want to be pushed around. he got scared and called me saying “don’t make rash decisions i feel heated so can we talk about it tomorrow and try to come to a solution?”
    i just said ok but i feel kind of angry.

    What do you guys think about all of this (especially what he said about him wanting me to call him)? I really didn’t know what to say when he was saying that because I agree I want to call him too like I used to I just don’t because my vibe feels off right now…

    I’d appreciate advice ๐Ÿ™‚



  320.  #320Sha-sha on January 18, 2013 at 12:12 am

    @janie baby
    I agree with u on the pole dancing! I just wanna do some sexy sensual moves and pretty much embrass my body and get stronger core muscles..heard its wonderful exercise!! Most of wht I found is wit that lights and mirrors….I was thinkin bout just doing a pole in the house hahaha way easier that way ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

    About ur Man thing I’m no pro at this or coach but my opinion if it was me in ur situation I prolly would have done the same thing….I’m assuming u had sex that’s why it hurt so much he didn’t call! And I would feel that same way afterwards if my man didn’t call after having sex……that’s one thing about my man he calls soon as he drops me off and for days afterwards he is calling me missing me………….So I would say if ur feeling that way ur not wrong for feeling that way!



  321.  #321Daria on January 18, 2013 at 12:12 am

    Wow my moment into drama mode

    I’m a lot less ‘thrown’

    Wow

    Thank you Daria



  322.  #322Indigo on January 18, 2013 at 3:32 am

    Lori,

    I feel a kind of a kinship with what you’re going through.

    I wanted to type that earlier.

    The reasonable part of me “wants” to date other guys because it would make my life so much easier if I could fall in love with someone else. It’s not stubbornness, I have gone on many dates with other guys and will continue to do so. Yet, I always come up against this – if I am brutally honest, I am enduring it.

    There are plenty of guys who would love to spoil me, devote themselves to me, spend money on me, commit themselves to me. Yet I don’t want this because they just don’t get me. At the end of a long day, I don’t want to go out to a fancy restaurant and make sparkling conversation. I don’t want to feel beholden to a guy because he has spent all this effort and money on me. I don’t want to spend my weekends rushing from pillar to post meeting friends and family and having new experiences to prove how committed I am to the relationship.

    D allows me to just kick back, potter around the kitchen, come and go as I please, laze back on the couch absent-mindedly touching each other for hours on end, maybe make love, or have some dinner, and yes, maybe go out and catch a movie or have some breakfast. Without ever questioning my devotion. I crave this. I crave someone who will let me be myself.

    This is ultimately what has made it so difficult for me to let D go. I am still more nourished by the time I spend with him than the fanciest date in the world.

    I date, and I practice the tools, and I have men crashing their boats for me. But deep down, my heart’s not in it.



  323.  #323Lori on January 18, 2013 at 3:59 am

    Indigo, that’s how I feel too. I just started cding so hopefully it will get better. Hopefully the excitement of meeting someone new will help me to change my vibe. At this point, I’m going through the motions.



  324.  #324Tam on January 18, 2013 at 4:02 am

    321 Indigo I have been there too..totally understand. All I can say is that it’s possible to get past this…time….in my case it was just something that was said that triggered me so much that I could kick the guy out of my life. It was excrutiating, but kind of did the trick…
    and I must say that it wasn’t so much the CDing that helped me but more the concentrating on myself and doing things I really enjoy.
    Sometimes meeting men and comparing made it much worse for me….
    I don’t believe that ‘letting go’ can be achieved when one is not ready to let go.
    I knew when the time had come that I could do it.



  325.  #325Tam on January 18, 2013 at 4:14 am

    314 Indigo, again – I so get this.
    I was on the same page with that with MrP also. We’d rather go to a really relaxing cheap place by the water than to a stuffy expensive restaurant.
    I like it relaxed and easy going and he was the same and it wouldn’t have changed if we’d have had more money. He had the unbelievable ability to pick just exactly what I would like….whatever it was, an activity or a place to eat. Totally able to tune into me. And I am not sure if he tuned in or just did what he liked and it matched me so well.
    Sigh.
    Curly is very similar, but he is not as ‘relaxing’ as MrP was. MrP was permanently ultra-calm unless he freaked out about something (not often). It just made me feel relaxed. And that is what I miss most.
    It’s not the guy so much as that safety and relaxed feeling.

    Chubby keeps asking me if I want to go and eat in a luxury restaurant and I know it is so sweet but I just want to say: I’d like to sit in a shack by the water/tiki bar/beach/on my balcony instead.
    I don’t know. With some people I feel relaxed and with others it seems like work.
    Who wants to work?



  326.  #326k2012 on January 18, 2013 at 4:29 am

    “I don’t believe that ‘letting go’ can be achieved when one is not ready to let go”. That is so true Tam. Sometimes thin gs have to be done in stages and everything takes times. With my breakup, disappearing entire profile to include email, phone numbers, photo in the profile and photos on the phone were deleted a few days after he disappeared. The facebook profile however was kept open and was deleted early December as I wasn’t ready to delete it before that. Surprisingly, I was ready to delete it the day before my birthday but decided against it as hairdresser wanted to see a pic of him. By the following week, the day after she saw it, I deleted the FB profile. At first I was thinking,”should I delete it yet?” Then I said “I will delete it now. And I did. A few days after he disappeared, I turned on the camera to delete the photos on there but the camera wasn’t working. It started working about 2 weeks ago but I haven’t found the time to delete them. So everything takes time, while u still have to make a conscious effort to heal, the length of time taken to heal is different for everybody.



  327.  #327Tam on January 18, 2013 at 4:32 am

    k2012 yes, and what you are doing takes great strength…I never deleted anything in the physical sende (photos etc), which probably slowed me down. But it is important to get the head and heart doing the same and that’s harder and just takes time.
    It kind of happens naturally.
    And then…in my case a guy showed up who probably isn’t my man either, but showed me how it feels to be adored and cherished and that made me
    realise how it should be. I am just not willing to accept less than that again.
    So it’s all the way up from here.
    ๐Ÿ™‚



  328.  #328Elsie on January 18, 2013 at 4:39 am

    @Mercedes –

    Thank you for being encouraging – ok – I will tell my whole story again this morning after I get some work done for work! Thank you!

    Quick question for all your sirens though – the guy that I’m sort of with right now (long story I’ll explain later) – he has a total opportunity to come over to hang out with me this morning for a few hours. I have this feeling he isnt going to take it. I will see him later today at work in the afternoon. I feel like I have no idea how to act. If that happens I am going to feel very disappointed and upset even though we have had one of the really greatest weeks ever in terms of being very connected and loving etc.

    I made it VERY clear to him yesterday that I would really want to see him this late morning and hang out. If he doesnt acknowledge that and doesnt come over and then acts like everything is fine this afternoon –

    how should I act? We have had a VERY VERY emotional week, so I am not sure using a lot of feeling words will go over well. He is on emotional overload right now and doesnt have the emotional bandwidth to spare right now. Its been a very emotional week for both of us.

    Anyway – I have said this before – he is ISTP and I am ENFJ (Myers Briggs scale) and so we both process things exactly the opposite. I know that test is very expensive to take, but you can find ones online that are free that are not as comprehensive. I highly suggest it to find out more about how you process things – it totally helps.

    Ok – that was a tangent ๐Ÿ™‚

    Point is – how do I deal if he doesnt come over? I will feel disappointed, and it will feel “fake” if I just act like nothing is wrong….ugh.

    Help.

    Elsie



  329.  #329k2012 on January 18, 2013 at 4:50 am

    Tam, sometimes it takes a long time to delete him from your heart. U have some people who love to say “Move on” as if its so easy. What they should be doing is giving encouragement and motivation. U find that meeting someone new helps with the healing too. I cried for 3 months. I am fine now. I have forgiven him.Of course that doesn’t mean I would take him back. I have forgiven him and moved on.



  330.  #330Tam on January 18, 2013 at 4:50 am

    Elsie, he will do what he wants….and if it was me I’d fill my morning with other stuff and have no expectations. Most men would feel overwhelmed if a woman waits around for them and in my experience this does nothing to build attraction, quite to the contrary.



  331.  #331Tam on January 18, 2013 at 4:52 am

    328 k2012, yes so true….you are doing amazing!!



  332.  #332NewfMom on January 18, 2013 at 5:51 am

    Good morning, Sirens! I have to say that the support here has been nothing short of amazing – thank you all so very much! I feel so happy and comforted when I’m here.

    I have another update. Seems that things with Phillip, both good and bad, are moving rapidly. Right now, it seems we are on an upswing.

    But I need some advice, please. We have been texting and emailing more frequently. It seems as if Phillip is truly trying to get back to a comfortable place with me. I am moving to a new house closer to work at the end of the month, and I asked him before he freaked out if he could help me pack, etc.

    So, the freakout happens, and the subject of helping was tabled by unspoken agreement. However, earlier this week, he asked if I still needed help. I was in a place of pain and anger then, and did not respond. He asked me out to dinner just prior to that, and I said no.

    Yesterday, after my apology (23), we’d started opening a dialog. He asked again if I needed help, and this time I accepted.

    The question is, since I’m not really sure what he will do or say, how I handle it. I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to ask about the state of our relationship and I won’t. But, I need help on how to respond to potential scenarios (he wants to “just be friends” or wants to try again or wants to get out of the sexual exclusivity we agreed on). Any one of them, and perhaps more could happen. I just need some insight, please.

    Thanks!



  333.  #333Dominique on January 18, 2013 at 5:54 am

    Elsie – 327 – Instead of anticipating, speculating, try being in the now, trusting. I see you looking for the negative. This isn’t good for you most importantly, and it also creates a not so good feeling energy in you which can be felt by others.

    If he doesn’t come through as he said he would, then you tell simply, cleanly that you feel disappointed. You were looking forward to spending more time.

    xxoo



  334.  #334Iamabutterfly on January 18, 2013 at 6:01 am

    I feel embarrassed saying this, but I really want to work on flirting. I think the random stranger who helped me thought I was cute the other night, but I let my fear keep me from flirting. There was another guy last night that I interacted with, and I totally found myself putting up walls. Even though we were strangers having fun in the same place, I noticed myself tensing up when he started getting touchy feely with me.

    Has anyone else struggled with opening up with strangers or is it just me?

    and of course, it’s only the ones I’m attracted to…



  335.  #335Iamabutterfly on January 18, 2013 at 6:03 am

    I’ve gotten better at holding eye contact without looking away, about letting conversations last longer, but there’s just always this point where I feel myself wanting to run…



  336.  #336Linda on January 18, 2013 at 6:13 am

    302 – PE I mentioned that in my post (278) I was focused on negatives and some things that may seem little but are big to me and feel really important.

    —–
    I went to bed overwhelmed and feeling extremely distraught. No communication from FavoriteCD just confirmed what I was feeling and felt like icing on the negative cake I had baked all day. I felt resigned to another cycle of what I seem to be getting in life over the last 13 years, even though everything felt very different since late summer…. I used to think of myself as the “queen of almost” all the time. Almost picked, almost loved, almost got what I desired…. Sadly I sitting on the throne when I went to bed.

    I prayed for strength to endure, understand, leading, to be directed, truth, comfort…and most of to be spoken to. I tossed and turned woke up every hour it seemed. Then after my alarm went off I dozed back off. My prayer was answered in a dream…. I dont dream that often but I know when I have been directed spoken to in them… this was one of those dreams. I was in an old house that belonged to a wealthy essentric old man who had passed away and had no surviving family, cleaning a formal sitting room . Why, I dont know… but nonetheless I was cleaning there. While dusting I found some old papers all rolled up three bundles of them in fact. The had been stuffed in slightly hidden crevices behind books and on a old pump organ behind the music stand. They looked like trash but I looked at them closer and discovered that they were not. So I took them and opened them and found that they were old receipts of some kind with some dollar bills and one $2 dollar bill. I took them to a type of a brokerage- banking business to inquire about them. The man was speechless.. said this $2 bill is oooold… civilwar issued.. and worth $71,000.00! The rest are not receipts but certificates of great worth as well. I was flabergasted…these things were not what they appeard to be!

    I woke up and and realized that things are NOT as I supposed and decided them to be and that is my real TRUTH!

    I felt light hearted and hopeful and thankful for being spoken to thru the dream… Then when I got to work (I have to be clocked in by 5:45AM…. my text notification rang at 6:00. !!!! It never does that and low and behold it was FavoriteCD… saying good morning to me.!! THat has NEVER happened before!

    I felt confirmation of my dream. I do not know what the future holds, but I do know that it is NOT what I thought.



  337.  #337NewfMom on January 18, 2013 at 6:39 am

    Linda – I feel so uplifted reading this! I also had a dream some weeks ago, and I knew that it pertained to my perception of things with Phillip.

    But that’s for another time. For now, I feel so happy for you!



  338.  #338Mercedes on January 18, 2013 at 6:40 am

    Annie – 294 & 298

    I understand your views and I totally respect that and want you to have all of your wants and needs in every way. It is much the same for me with the exception of my relationship with J…we simply don’t have conflicts arise in our lives with each other.

    If something ever does happen, I am very confident we can work through it (G0D knows we have practice at it) but we haven’t had anything like that in many, many years. Early on we had conflict…plenty of it…but things have come to a place where we just flow together and know each other and have a special bond that I cannot put into words…there are many other couples in the world who have the same existence with their partners…several of those couples are friends of mine.

    As Dominique says, when we begin to experience something like this we will see more and more of it. That has proved to be true for me as well.

    I do want to manifest this in other areas of my life though. I do believe it is possible and please understand, I am not talking about anything “magically disappearing”. I’m not talking about magic at all. I’m talking about the law of attraction which I believe in fully.

    You said: “And then reading the explaining response feels defensive to me.” and I agree, it was defensive. I hate that I felt I had to defend myself but I have not said anything to Tam in weeks (months??) now – not since one of our very first exchanges where I told her I thought it was best if we stop commenting on each other’s posts – and still she has to chastise me with the words “Mercedes, there is no such thing as a relationship without conflict.” when I JUST said MY relationship is like that. And my relationship DOES exist. I know this because I go home to it every night after work…

    Yes, that put me on the defensive from the beginning but I ignored her (best practice for me in that situation…someday I may change my mind and feel comfortable communicating with her again but as of right now, I do not) and went on to discuss with other ladies who, although they might disagree or have a different viewpoint, still stay respectful to me and to my relationship. Later when she started twisting things around and was talking about the use of the word “screaming”, my defenses were still up and I chose to explain that the word choice was not mine, it actually came from someone else.

    Maybe it’s not good to get defensive and explain ourselves but it is who I am and I do it when I feel like it so I really don’t see that changing anytime soon. I do feel the need to defend myself (and others quite often) and I do feel the need to explain and I LIKE that about me. It serves me very well in my life. I don’t want to change things about me that serve me well.

    Again, I see where you are coming from in comment 298 and I can totally be on board with those being your wants and I want that for you if it is what you feel is best in your life. I want ALL of us to have what is best in our lives. In some areas of my life (maybe most???) I don’t want the scenario you describe but that’s okay…again…nobody is wrong here…just the beautiful ways in which we are all different.

    Hope that helps to show where I am coming from and that it maybe helps make the exchange a little easier to read and process and a little less sad for you.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  339.  #339Femininewoman on January 18, 2013 at 6:44 am

    Linda as Carol Allen talks about you choose “faith” last night. Even in your tossed around and tumbled about emotions, the infinite intelligence of your subconscious mind is leading you to your true place in life.



  340.  #340Elsie on January 18, 2013 at 6:44 am

    @ Tam – I am working this morning so I am definitely filling up my time but just still thinking about how it would be nicer if he were here….

    @ Dominique – He never actually said he was coming over – I just told him that it would be nice. Frankly, since we rarely get time together I”m not sure why he wouldnt take this opportunity.

    Acting disappointed seems to me the opposite of leaning back. Telling him I”m disappointed seems to be an aggressive move putting him on the defensive. I guess I dont understand how I can say that and be leaning back at the same time.

    @Mercedes – Ok I think I”m going to take your advice and rewrite my story and see what you sirens think I should do – advice etc. haha.

    But the real question is – what do I do when I see him today if he doesnt come over.

    I’m feeling needy, and unsure, and clingy, and ick. I wouldnt be attracted to me either right now LOL.

    Elsie



  341.  #341Pe on January 18, 2013 at 6:46 am

    Janie baby,

    By focusing on small things like why he didn’t call me for 3 days, you start thinking, wondering, looking for reasons as to why you haven’t heard from him and something so small becomes bigger than it needs to be and you start feeling weird, sad, upset and when he does call your vibe is different and that pushes him ever farther away. Just imagine that he’s busy he’ll call you when he has time and in the meantime you’ll focus on yourself. Sometimes they do things to “test” you…but it doesn’t really matter, what matters is that he has to feel that even if you do miss him and would like to talk to him, he’s not the center of his life, he souldn’t be.He calls you after 3 days, you answer warm and excited “hey babe, whats up ? feels good to hear your voice…” talk for a few mins and end the convo on a light mode, “got some errands to run, talk to u later,muah bye”. period.

    Another thing, you have to be careful not to “lean back” too much, you have to “mirror” him. one-one ratio, he calls you if he calls you all the time there’s nothing wrong in calling him too from time to time, that will please him especially when he is not expecting your call and you surprise him or send a little text, the danger is when you start calling and texting more than he does, or when you haven’t heard from him for a week.You haven’t heard from him for 2 days it’s ok to gave a call and see how it goes, if he’s distant, say you can’t stay on the phone gotta run.



  342.  #342Tam on January 18, 2013 at 6:46 am

    feels weird being talked about yet being ‘ignored’, guess that is what people do when they avoid conflict.
    Anyhow, I didn’t speak about partner relationships only, I mean any relationships.
    I feel so strongly that there simply isn’t a relationship, be it with family members, friends, or partners, which is completely devoid of any conflict, friction – in whatever form.
    Unless…unless we are talking about a fantasy bond. That can be devoid of any conflict and meaning whatsoever.
    I had them so I speak from experience.
    This is not something I made up one morning, this is based on human psychology.
    Just sayin’
    Honestly, if people call themselves relationship experts (which I do not), the least I expect is that they keep current with the subject….and do the bare minimum of catching up with current theory.
    I wouldn’t go to a doctor who knows how to hold a stethoscope either, would I?



  343.  #343Tam on January 18, 2013 at 6:46 am

    ‘doen’t know how to hold one’ lol



  344.  #344Tam on January 18, 2013 at 6:48 am

    I am having severe typing difficulties this morning….urgh.



  345.  #345Mercedes on January 18, 2013 at 6:50 am

    Elsie: “I made it VERY clear to him yesterday that I would really want to see him this late morning and hang out.”

    This is letting him know what you want…it is an invitation…but unless he said he would come over, then he really isn’t doing anything wrong. Did you actually ASK him to come and he said yes or no or maybe or did you tell him you want him to come? There is a difference in my mind and if he didn’t say he was coming, then he’s really under no obligation to show up.

    I think it’s okay to tell him you felt disappointed but I don’t think it’s fair to expect someone to be there if he didn’t say he would be.

    That’s just my take on it.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  346.  #346Tam on January 18, 2013 at 6:54 am

    And just for the record, M, I said nothing abuot YOUR relationship, and if you re-read my comments you will see that. It feels sad to see people jump to conclusions because presumable they feel triggered, threatened or whatever.
    So this:
    ‘other ladies who, although they might disagree or have a different viewpoint, still stay respectful to me and to my relationship. Later when she started twisting things around and was talking about the use of the word โ€œscreamingโ€, my defenses were still up and I chose to explain that the word choice was not mine, it actually came from someone else.’

    I do indeed have views on the kinds of relationships who are devoid of conflict, and ever so perfect….but if I was to comment on what I have gleaned from your comments on your specific one, it would probably make you implode, so I refrain. Other people’s relationships aren’t my business, after all.
    Just spreading myths, which might make those in less perfect (authentic) relationships feel bad – that is what gets my back up…



  347.  #347Elsie on January 18, 2013 at 6:57 am

    Ok – per Mercedes – I”m telling my story again – ๐Ÿ™‚ I’ll try to make it short (I know I”ll fail miserably already). haha!

    OK – been married 11 years. It has been horrible the last 8. I stayed because well, I”m Catholic, and I just thought….thats what you do. I know better now. I asked him to move out a year ago and he did. The divorce paperwork is going through.

    Last year at exactly this time, there was a person that was going through EXACTLY the same thing as me. I have known him for 13 years. There has never been any kind of a flirt even between us. And then BAM. All of a sudden – its exactly like they say – when something is in front of you all along. Wow. Amazing.

    We work together so we have to keep it on the down low. He was never married – lives with her – they have children. He has said that for right now he wants to stay in that house for another year or so with her (probably wont happen because she is already dating other people and making it very public etc.) just for the sake of the kids.

    Now this is the part you girls may balk at – why is he staying in the house? He does not sleep in the same room as her – I know this because SHE tells everyone this as well. Also she dates around now openly. I see why he wants to stay because, frankly thats what I did for the last 5 years due to children. So I cant exactly call the kettle black, when I’m the pot over here….lol. Anyway – he is going through his own things and I am allowing him to do that.

    In the meantime, I think something that is important is that he is ISTP and I am ENFJ – on the MYers Briggs scale I talk a lot about that because Ibelieve so much in how people understand and relate emotionally to each other. I tend to attach emotional value to everything – a cookbook, a backpack whatever – he doesnt. I tend to be more open and feeling, he doesnt typically – but with me, he feels safe. He cries and is so emotional – and I know that I”m the only one that inspires that other than his children. That makes me feel amazing. He has said that in all of his life (we are middle aged) that no one has ever doen that.

    Also this man has never and never will lie to me. He will either say nothing or tell me the truth. I know because I have found out the hard way that he will tell me something I dont want to hear because I push it – he has said he will never ever tell me a lie – he would rather me be hurt if I have to hear something than lie to me.

    Given that – we dont talk about our future much. We are both in the middle of complicated situations, but the fact that we found each other has been like a drink of water to someone who has been dying of thirst in the desert for a long time. The difference is that I still need a lot of affection and affirmation, and he is ok with affection in lesser amounts etc. He definitely needs way more “alone” time than I do to process things.

    Anyway – I”m sort of at the point now that I feel needy. I feel clingy.

    haha! I basically want to jump to the end of the choose your own adventure book and find out the ending – do we end up getting married? do we break up? Its always been my problem to not live in the “now” but always worry about the future.

    Which is crazy. Because I thought I knew the future and here I am single in a divorce. I never thought that would happen. This last year was the craziest of my life.

    But also in a good way. Because he believed in me, he made me believe in myself. Let me give an example. I have lost 60 pounds this year and went from a size 18 to a size 6 (almost 4). That was because of him. Honestly. He worked out with me every day and was so encouraging and loving. He loved me when I was fat, and was so supportive He believed in me until I really believed in myself.

    So I love him for a lot of reasons, but now I just want to get going if that makes sense. I dont want to give him the time I know he needs just like I needed. I want to see him all the time, be with him. I feel needy and clingy.

    So – when we have an amazing week like this last week (and it was AMAZING) he said and did the absolute most heartfelt things that made me feel so close to him and that I could trust him…..

    Then when he doesnt text me one night, I feel like I”m desperate.

    So any advice – please help.

    I did get Roris ebook – would you suggest any of her other books etc?

    Any advice – I”m here ready to listen.

    ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks in advance if you have gotten this far in my book that I have posted LOL.

    Elsie



  348.  #348Mercedes on January 18, 2013 at 7:01 am

    Ladies: I hate to see words put in other people’s mouths so I just wanted to say that I’m pretty sure the only relationship expert here who has discussed having a relationship without conflict is Dominique. I don’t think Rori has said that and I’m not sure about some of the others that come and go here but I don’t remember anything like this.

    For Dominique however, who is a good friend of mine, I can attest that she has this in her life with K. Nothing about her feels fake to me so I won’t be pulled into believing she is. She’s actually probably the most authentic person I have every met in my life. Beautifully authentic.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  349.  #349Elsie on January 18, 2013 at 7:02 am

    @ Mercedes –

    Yes, it was an invitation. No, he never said he would come. This man is impeccable with his word to me. In the 13 years I have known him, he has never once lied to me – now THATS a good track record. He never said he would or wouldnt come. He never makes a promise he knows he cant keep (which is frankly annoying, because when we talk about going to Italy someday he always “qualifies” it because he can’t promise because who knows the future lol…..)

    So while thats irritating, he will never lie to me. Its also awesome because when he tells me he loves me, I never have to question it – I know he would never say it if it werent true and thats a great feeling.

    So – to be honest, no, he didnt say he was coming over.

    I just dont know why he wouldnt. Ugh.

    Cant he just want exactly what I want exactly when I want it exactly how I want it? LOL – is that too much to ask? LOL.

    I guess I wont even say I”m disappointed today. I’ll just be easy breezy beautiful cover girl……sigh…..thats so hard to do!

    Elsie.



  350.  #350ruth on January 18, 2013 at 7:02 am

    Hi elsie

    It does seem as though you are far too focused on him and what you want to happen next

    Men can have very different timelines to us

    you have come a long way, thats obvious and thats a fantastic weight loss!

    Myabe you need to focus more on you, and all the other exciting things you couild be doing/experiencing with youtr new life and freedom

    your man might be joining you for some of it, but he might not

    Either way, it is a whole new world for you out there



  351.  #351ruth on January 18, 2013 at 7:05 am

    348
    elsie-you say you have got roris book??

    Stuffing down your real feeling and pretending to feel something else (breezy cover girl) is the exact opposite of what she advises



  352.  #352Lori on January 18, 2013 at 7:06 am

    Good morning ladies,
    I downloaded Rori’s revised book and will be reading it over the weekend. Someone else posted a link for another book too. “He’s really that into you….”. Has anyone read it?



  353.  #353Tam on January 18, 2013 at 7:07 am

    347…I was under the impression Dominique had a major friction moment in her relationship which she managed to resolve, actually…



  354.  #354Tam on January 18, 2013 at 7:09 am

    anyhow, none of my business



  355.  #355NewfMom on January 18, 2013 at 7:09 am

    Lori (351), isn’t the title of the book, “He’s Really Not That into You”?



  356.  #356ruth on January 18, 2013 at 7:10 am

    351

    that would be Katarina Phangs book I think
    I havent got it no, but I like Rroius new E book and layout



  357.  #357Mercedes on January 18, 2013 at 7:10 am

    Elsie: “Last year at exactly this time, there was a person that was going through EXACTLY the same thing as me.”

    When it comes to the EXACT same thing being a divorce or a breakup of a long term relationship, sharing this experience with someone can cause a lot of attraction…and it rarely works out.

    You are in love with a man who wants to keep you a secret (keep it on the low down) and who lives with the mother of his children and who believes that is not going to change for a while.

    Is that enough for you? Because that is your situation and it doesn’t matter what his personality type is, the fact is he’s LIVING with another woman and he’s keeping YOU a secret.

    If that’s enough for you then just keep doing what you’re doing. If you want more (and it sounds like you do…you want a future with a man and a marriage, etc) then my suggestion would be to start circular dating ASAP and be on the arm of a man who isn’t in a situation where he feels the need to hide his feelings for you from others in public.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  358.  #358ruth on January 18, 2013 at 7:11 am

    My tryping is pretty rubbish today too



  359.  #359LoveAlways on January 18, 2013 at 7:12 am

    This is right on time for me. I’m struggling with not getting lost in my man right now. Focusing on my feminine energy, focusing on receiving from him . . . But it is hard still! Going to follow Rori’s advice in this article



  360.  #361Mercedes on January 18, 2013 at 7:17 am

    Ok Tam…I’ll address you directly since that seems to be what you’re searching for here. I’ll take the bait…

    Dominique has said time and time again that any friction that comes up has been his stuff or her stuff and is not a part of their relationship. It’s individual healing that needs to take place but it does not create a conflict in their relationship and yes…she has gone public with a lot of that healing and the process in order to share with other women.

    I have said time and time again that J and I have resolved MAJOR conflict in our past but it no longer comes up for us at all. Zero conflict in our relationship. I also have shared my healing process online in the hopes that someone can relate to it.

    Neither Dominique or I experience conflict in our relationships as they currently exist and we enjoy that very, very much.

    If it’s not Dominique then who are the uneducated relationship experts you are referring to?? I’m confused because I haven’t heard any of them discuss this…at all.



  361.  #362NewfMom on January 18, 2013 at 7:20 am

    Thanks Lori!



  362.  #363Femininewoman on January 18, 2013 at 7:23 am

    Ruth you typing looks beautiful and flowy. It is lovely no matter what



  363.  #364Lori on January 18, 2013 at 7:25 am

    NewfMom, I have no idea what the book is like. Someone had posted the link here and it caught my eye. I don’t know if you have read Rori’s book but it is spot on. I’m also thinking about trying her Modern Siren program.

    Can anyone comment on Modern Siren?



  364.  #365Tam on January 18, 2013 at 7:26 am

    Mercedes….I said all I wanted to say and more.Too much actually.
    Not searching for anything, quite happy ๐Ÿ™‚
    Been through all that defensive ranting and arguing – when I was not well, and it doesn’t do it for me anymore, so not joining in unless I get carried away … suggesting again some of the reading I mentioned earlier, helped me a lot. If you’re interested…but I guess not.
    We all get there sooner or later though…



  365.  #366ruth on January 18, 2013 at 7:28 am

    362
    aw, thank you FW

    I just hate making typos because actually my spelling is impeccable

    I just cant type

    Its a bit of a trigger for this perfectionist



  366.  #367NewfMom on January 18, 2013 at 7:28 am

    Lori – I read the older version. Just bought the new one. I’m going to try and read some of it at lunch today.

    I could also use some advice. I posted it this morning (331). I would feel good to hear some of you ladies provide some feedback. ๐Ÿ™‚



  367.  #368ruth on January 18, 2013 at 7:29 am

    363

    Lori
    Modern Siren was the first program I bought

    its good, but I prefer Reconnect



  368.  #369Femininewoman on January 18, 2013 at 7:29 am

    We define conflict as a disagreement through which the parties involved perceive a threat to theirneeds, interests or concerns. Within this simple definition there are several important understandings that emerge:

    http://www.ohrd.wisc.edu/onlinetraining/resolution/aboutwhatisit.htm



  369.  #370NewfMom on January 18, 2013 at 7:30 am

    Ruth (365) – don’t feel alone. I’m a writer by trade, and I have those “can’t type my way out of a paper bag” days. ๐Ÿ™‚



  370.  #371Linda on January 18, 2013 at 7:30 am

    FW — thank you. that felt good to read. Even when I feel negative and rationally or irrationally so sometimes… I somehow chose my true place in life.



  371.  #372Femininewoman on January 18, 2013 at 7:30 am

    Hi Miss Perfectionist – love you



  372.  #373ruth on January 18, 2013 at 7:31 am

    New fMom

    Id just go with the flow and see how it goes
    be open to him,be thankful for the help and dont attach any expectations to the encounter



  373.  #374Lori on January 18, 2013 at 7:33 am

    Newf331, I don’t see a problem with accepting his help with moving. Remember, they want to help us and it should be accepted if offered.

    As far as the sexual exclusivity, if your not comfortable not being exclusive, if it’s a deal breaker, then I wouldn’t want to be in the relationship.

    Others may have different thoughts on this.



  374.  #375ruth on January 18, 2013 at 7:33 am

    FW

    Im feeling all teary and emotional and choked up again

    So you mustnt be nice to me;)

    Im at work and i cant cry

    xx



  375.  #376Lori on January 18, 2013 at 7:33 am

    FW, Mercedes, have either of you tried Modern Siren or Reconnect?



  376.  #377Mercedes on January 18, 2013 at 7:34 am

    LOL! No thanks. I’m not interested in reading a judgement from an “expert” on why couples divorce. Not really my style of study or literature anymore. Did enough of that in college and experienced my own divorce.

    I’m just happy to get to experience something so beautiful. I’m so incredibly grateful my mind and heart were open to it and that it manifested in my life. I feel sad for people who are too closed off to ever experience something so beautiful.

    But maybe the coaches you refer to will take your advice if they happen to see the book titles on this post. It’d be nice to know they are all up to date on “theory”. Because that’s what coaching is all about, right? Theory???



  377.  #378ruth on January 18, 2013 at 7:35 am

    369 Newfmom
    thank you

    ๐Ÿ™‚



  378.  #379Elsie on January 18, 2013 at 7:35 am

    @Mercedes –

    Its mutual. I am keeping him on the down low too. I am not officially divorced yet. I wouldnt want anyone knowing I’m dating anyone until that is finalized.

    I agree that part of our attraction is that we are going through the same thing. But its because he and I are so similar in terms of the big picture and parenting that we fell in love. And we did.

    I guess right now I”m feeling defensive. When you say “it rarely works out” that just makes me feel defensive – like I have to start arguing about why we are great and frankly, I dont have the energy or emotional bandwidth to do that.

    My friends who know this situation know that we are good for each other – albeit he could be more emotionally intuitive, but he is closer to me than he ever has been.

    I dont know if that makes sense. I’m not trying to find a chorus here of “yes men” to tell me just what I want to hear, but its hard because this is me just putting my story out there and the first thing I hear is that its probably not going to work out – and that seems a bit judgmental to me given you really dont know what he and I have been through (and trust me its been a lot.)

    And again, he is living with someone else – I think I gave the details on that. She is openly dating other people and openly telling people that he has been on the couch for a year, so its not as if they have some relationship taht he is keeping secret from me. They are trying to figure an exit strategy and frankly she is very vindictive.

    Anyway – I”m feeling defensive, like I have to defend whats going on – and frankly, the people that know me I dont have to do that with because they know what I’m going through.

    Anyway – Mercedes, it just sounded a bit contrite to me “if thats enough for you” and “it rarely works out” just seems a bit condescending.

    Maybe I”m just reading it wrong?

    Whew. Its been an emotional morning….

    Elsie



  379.  #380ruth on January 18, 2013 at 7:38 am

    348
    Elsie
    “Cant he just want exactly what I want exactly when I want it exactly how I want it?”

    I relate to that
    It makes me feel SO frustrated



  380.  #381Mercedes on January 18, 2013 at 7:39 am

    Lori: I have not. I wasn’t purchasing programs (not in a financial place to do so) when I first started coming here and when I found Rori, J and I had already reconnected. I was worried about potentially making some of my old mistakes so I started internet searching to see if I could get advice and support on keeping a relationship alive (not fixing anything, we had gone through a lot of that already, but just keeping what we had and not falling into old patterns that almost ruined us in the past). So…I didn’t buy a program but I did purchase her book.

    I’m not going to be much help on the reviews but I can say I have heard marvelous things about both of the programs.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  381.  #382NewfMom on January 18, 2013 at 7:41 am

    Ruth (372) – that’s what I was thinking I should do. Easier said than done.

    Lori (373), you’re right, but I think I should only say something if he gets physically closer. And then, probably not at that particular time. If things go that direction, I will bring it up at a later time.

    I’m not okay with any sexual non-exclusivity. And he knows that.



  382.  #383NewfMom on January 18, 2013 at 7:43 am

    By the way, I said I was feeling good that he offered, and it would feel good to see him, but also scary. I told him I felt nervous about him coming over.

    He said that he was feeling nervous, too and that maybe the job of packing will take the edge off.



  383.  #384ruth on January 18, 2013 at 7:43 am

    also NewfMom

    as long as you know what your boundaries are and stick to them, and look after and honour yourself, thats the main thing



  384.  #385Tam on January 18, 2013 at 7:46 am

    376. Mercedes, it’s a book on fear of intimacy. Not on why people divorce. Yet another assumption, defense etc etc.
    I trust that you can read what I write. So why?
    Education is a great thing and I advocate learning throughout one’s life. Closing the mind after college feels pretty sad to me.



  385.  #386Lori on January 18, 2013 at 7:46 am

    I went over to my guy friend’s house last late. It’s really nice to have someone that will just hold you. Love, comfort, no expectations.



  386.  #387Emerson on January 18, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Earlier some of you were talking about manifesting. I don’t know why I haven’t paid more attention to my ability to manifest things, it happens all the time with little things that cross my mind of I think about – and poof! Within a short time something related will present itself in some way. This happens to me a lot.
    Right now I’m feeling so lost-there I said it-I feel lost and don’t know where to go next….where to focus…. Where to aim my efforts …. I feel conflicted and confused and blank and overwhelmed … So nothing is happening, cuz I am unclear on my path….
    I’d love to hear a success story of starting over at 39-40… And I mean starting over financially, relationship-wise, career, maybe even have a family….all of it….I know it’s a lot to ask…



  387.  #388NewfMom on January 18, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Ruth (383) – thanks. It feels good to be reminded of that.

    Lori (385) – I sure hope that I get that on Sunday, when Phillip comes over. I really don’t need anything else (sex would be nice, but only if it’s his idea), so just a hug from him would feel devine. ๐Ÿ™‚



  388.  #389Mercedes on January 18, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Elsie: I don’t mean to be condescending at all. By “rarely works” I don’t mean to say “impossible”…I mean to say it will be a difficult road that many, many people have struggled to follow. It certainly can be done and if you have the strength and if he has the strength then it can be done for you.

    (all of that my opinion based on people I have known in my life)

    But when I say “if that is enough for you”, I really do mean that. It is what it is right now and I guess I’m not sure what your question is…what would my advice be for you to do in your situation? I don’t think there’s anything you CAN do while he’s living with someone else (no matter what the reasons) and while you’re both hiding your relationship.

    I really don’t think I understand what advice you are looking for from me and I’m so sorry about that. I just don’t know what to say. Your situation is one that involves another woman, a marriage that hasn’t quite ended and secrets. In my opinion, until those pieces change I think you can only keep doing what you’re doing or finalize your divorce and start dating other men.

    When you say “Then when he doesnt text me one night, I feel like Iโ€m desperate.”, I completely understand how you would feel that way and I can empathize with it so much but I don’t know how to keep that desperate feeling at bay while in your current situation. I would feel desperate too…very much so.

    I’m really sorry but I don’t know what other advice I could give…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  389.  #390Tam on January 18, 2013 at 7:49 am

    and yes, there is a theory to all disciplines, of course.
    Otherwise why do we have Universities, colleges, schools?
    Next thing we’ll all assume the earth is flat again.
    Sigh.
    To understand the human mind it does help to study basics and keep up to date with current theories…and I don’t know anyone who needs a shrink and would consider going to a car meachanic instead.
    Anyway, I digress…I am going for a walk now and hope not to fall off on the edge of the earth…lol



  390.  #391Mercedes on January 18, 2013 at 7:50 am

    Tam: 384. Thank you for the advice and clarification.



  391.  #392Emerson on January 18, 2013 at 7:52 am

    For example of manifesting I was frustrated on my way to work the other day and I said to myself I should just call in sick! I almost did and almost went home… But I didn’t I went to work.then I got sick that very night and Ive been at home in bed with the flu ever since! Ugh



  392.  #393Mercedes on January 18, 2013 at 7:52 am

    Wow…we took quite a leap here, huh?

    “Next thing weโ€™ll all assume the earth is flat again.
    Sigh.
    To understand the human mind it does help to study basics and keep up to date with current theoriesโ€ฆand I donโ€™t know anyone who needs a shrink and would consider going to a car meachanic instead.
    Anyway, I digressโ€ฆI am going for a walk now and hope not to fall off on the edge of the earthโ€ฆ”

    My mind is going…ummmm….whaaaa….??????



  393.  #394Tam on January 18, 2013 at 7:53 am

    and yes, I did briefly work with a psychologist who specialises in couples therapy and conflict resolution..but then, what do they know, eh?
    All that studying and no clue ๐Ÿ˜‰



  394.  #395Emerson on January 18, 2013 at 7:56 am

    BlueCD is a big show off sending me pics of himself… Yawn…I have yet to meet him I’m person.



  395.  #396Elsie on January 18, 2013 at 7:58 am

    @ Mercedes – Thank you. Really. I”m feeling defensive, and its hard because I’m just starting my story on here.

    I read what you just wrote and I think you are right on a lot of points.

    I think that there isnt a lot that can change while we are in the current situation. And frankly, I”m not sure how long that is going to last.

    It feels good when we are together, so I”m not sure why he will bend over backwards to be with me sometimes, and then like this morning when it would be easy, he doesnt come. It makes no sense.

    I think that I have been starved of affection for so long, and it feels good when I have it if that makes sense. So I long for it – and maybe that makes me clingy – etc. I just want more of what I havent had for so long. So so so very long.

    I guess that because our moments are sort of ones that cant happen every day, that I really am confused now.

    But I shouldnt be after the reassurance that he has given me this week.

    What i need to do is focus on myself and how to get myself to have a good vibe and have positive strength and energy. But I just need help with that because I feel so much like … well, I only feel good when someone loves me. And since I havent had that for so long, well, now here I am. Ugh.

    Its sounds horrible when I write it but thats how I feel so I’ll leave it.

    Thanks again Mercedes. It felt good to tell you how I felt and then have you say that back to me to clarify. I really appreciate that I can be honest. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Elsie



  396.  #397ruth on January 18, 2013 at 7:58 am

    Okay Emerson
    At the age of 42 I walked away from a highly paid prestigious job that I had been woking over 20 years to get into(senior hospital doctor)
    I was in a right mess emotionally, self esteem shot to bits, massively overweight, stressed etc
    It was an effort even to get out of bed and wash my face

    I was lucky enough to be able to finance a year off work
    I had loads of therapy, Yoga three times a week and of course my running, which I needed then
    Before that my job had been the only focus of my life

    Im now back working full time-in a different country(but no weekend work at all instead of every second weekend)
    Im paid a bit less now but spend my weeeknds going marathon running, Im 42 pounds lighter and I think I have much more of a balance with life and work

    Forty is no age, go for it!

    PS Both my parents started their second careers at about 40-mum a teacher, father a solicitor



  397.  #398NewfMom on January 18, 2013 at 7:59 am

    Emerson – Oh, I hate when that happens! I’ve run into that some, and my personal experience is that it oddly enough has come from guys who never seem to have the time to meet up.

    And, again from my personal experience, is usually a guy who is married or otherwise in a relationship and he’s looking for more of a diversion that anything else.

    Of course, your mileage may vary, but that’s my experience. :-/



  398.  #399ruth on January 18, 2013 at 7:59 am

    395 Elsie

    “I only feel good when someone loves me”

    You need to love yourself first
    xx



  399.  #400Emerson on January 18, 2013 at 8:02 am

    Tam I feel inspired reading about you starting your new life in Florida.



  400.  #401Elsie on January 18, 2013 at 8:03 am

    @Ruth – I know that they say that. But in my case, there is this song that says “Let me love you until you learn to love yourself.” Honestly that song resonates with me, because before him, I didnt love myself and now I do because of him.

    I lost weight because he believed I could do it – and then I started to believe in myself.

    Sometimes having someone believe in you really does make you believe in yourself if you trust them.

    Thats just been my experience for what its worth.

    Elsie



  401.  #402Tam on January 18, 2013 at 8:04 am

    399 Emerson, thank you!! Not feeling so inspired myself today but that will pass.. ๐Ÿ˜‰



  402.  #403Femininewoman on January 18, 2013 at 8:04 am

    I have Reconnect and I love it.

    RE 376 – Iโ€™m just happy to get to experience something so beautiful.

    I love this which is the reason I don’t buy into theories, even Rori’s. I prefer to try out and then experience things for myself. It reminds me of a story I heard some time ago about people taking a beaten path but no one ever stopped to ask why not take another path or at least try it. It was shorter and more practical, then when someone had the courage to build a road there everyone wondered why it never happened before. I pay attention to people like John Gottman who have stats and proven things in labs around relationships. I read to keep myself informed but at the same time I pay attention to what happens in the real world around me. Human beings are so complex and so creative we can do anything. Including creating beautiful relationships no matter what past/present stats or experts have said. We can always break the mold.



  403.  #404Femininewoman on January 18, 2013 at 8:07 am

    Ruth you were overweight. OMG.

    I celebrate you and your success even more now. All the marathon running you have been doing have manifested a dream you had inside.



  404.  #405ruth on January 18, 2013 at 8:07 am

    Elsie

    but you need to be okay without the guy too, to be able to take care of yourself whatever happens

    tht doesnt mean not to receive all the wonderful love and support, not at all
    But if you dont “need” it, then maybe you wouldnt have those desperate moments

    they are awful, I know



  405.  #406Emerson on January 18, 2013 at 8:07 am

    Hi Ruth ! Thank you for sharing that with me about you and your parents! I do feel inspired. Life balance I do not have right now at all… I’ve kind of lost myself… I have 3 part time jobs but I am still broke and trying to pay off debts and get back on my feet…
    Drained my 401k trying to “save” my house which I lost anyway… I need a miracle…



  406.  #407Lori on January 18, 2013 at 8:08 am

    Thanks FW, I’ll check out Reconnect.



  407.  #408Mercedes on January 18, 2013 at 8:08 am

    LOL! Tam…I’m sorry….again, I don’t think you and I communicate well at all and I really don’t think we should keep trying.

    Background:
    I spent a lot of my adult life counseling teens and abused women working (volunteer counselor) under one woman with a Masters in psychology and another with her Doctorate. I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology and I have done a LOT of studying. I haven’t stopped studying nor have I closed my mind after college (currently in a program through the American Institute of Healthcare Professionals to earn my Meditation Instructor Certification). I’m probably actually a career student (or I would be if money were no object). However, I am not interested in reading the books you suggest here because I believe (my personal belief based on timing of the comment) they were suggested in order to prove that relationships like mine do not exist (or are destined to fail) and I am living proof that the theory you describe here (or how I think you are describing it) is not true for everyone so saying they “do not exist” is…well…not true.

    Yes, I can read your words…thank you for clarifying that with me…and I do infer and place my own meanings to the things you say. I believe that happens a lot on this blog and not just by me.

    So again…you and I are two of the worst communicators I’ve experienced and I’m not sure why we keep trying. It feels much to me like lots of assumptions and leaps and judgements are made by both of us and it’s exhausting. I’m quite sure if I’m exhausted then other sirens are too…just reading it all.



  408.  #409Emerson on January 18, 2013 at 8:09 am

    Newfmom thanks for your feedback… Yep I do not take him seriously ….I feel like saying something but maybe save the effort and just ignoring him woukd be just as well…



  409.  #410janie baby on January 18, 2013 at 8:10 am

    Thanks Pe, that’s good advice.
    Now I feel kind of embarassed at how I cried last night on the phone. I wanted to be cool and change my vibe and my vibe was changed during the day but I just felt soo sad when he called me and I couldn’t hide it…

    I just feel sooo sad and angry sometimes when I realize I can’t fully trust and lean on the man who used to be my best friend in the whole world and who I could say anything to.

    I dont know what to say today when I see him. I don’t know if I know I don’t want to be with him and that’s why I’m sabotaging it or if I feel vulnerable and like I’m losing power and that’s why I want to sabotage it…

    What do you think I should do??? ugh I feel scared and embarassed for today. Should I just try to be friends to take the pressure off? or stay with him but CD? It was annoying because I was leaning back and having a great time my past three days and I felt my vibe shift. The problem was when he called, I had some anger, and he could sense it…..so I just let it out ahha.

    I would feel really great with some advice!!! I know you really fixed up your relationship Mercedes and maybe you could help me out here??

    Let me know guys, sorry I feel icky being pushy, I just really want advice before i head off today. Also he told me to call him today when I was finished with a group so we could get lunch and “talk”



  410.  #411Emerson on January 18, 2013 at 8:11 am

    Eek I feel uneasy reading the exchange between Mercedes and Tam… It sounds like a battle of wills…



  411.  #412ruth on January 18, 2013 at 8:11 am

    403
    FW

    Im not exactly slimmer of the week now, but , yes, Im thinner

    I was actually okay eventually with being bigger as i was healthy and was still running lots of marathons(a little slower, thats all)
    I also love cooking and eating-one of life great pleasures
    The problem with losing weight sometimes is the fear of regaining it, and that can spoil the eating /cooking joy

    Just to clarify, I didnt lose weight becuase of the running.I ran 40mpw for six years and lost nothing, but it was when I stopped hating my body that the weight came off

    In my year off , I did 11 marathons in 11 weeks
    that was a first for me back then and so I *had* to trust my body to get me round
    I had to stop hating it

    then the weight started to come off



  412.  #413ruth on January 18, 2013 at 8:13 am

    409
    Janie
    I think CD ing would really really help you



  413.  #414Elsie on January 18, 2013 at 8:14 am

    @Ruth – yes, I’m sure thats why I feel desperate – its because I feel like I “need” it. I”m sure you are right. I”m just not sure what I do about it.

    @Janie Baby wow do I feel your pain. I”m right there with you sister.



  414.  #415Emerson on January 18, 2013 at 8:14 am

    I feel annoyed at myself and I feel naive and a terrible feeling of dread sometimes…if only I could rue. Back the clock five years!!!!



  415.  #416Emerson on January 18, 2013 at 8:15 am

    411 Ruth
    Marathons …all I can say is wow!!!



  416.  #417ruth on January 18, 2013 at 8:16 am

    414
    Emerson, I almost typed that I wished I was 39 again, but you know what?

    I dont want to go back

    Im looking forward
    ๐Ÿ™‚



  417.  #418Mercedes on January 18, 2013 at 8:17 am

    Ruth: 396. I needed that in my life right now (exactly right now). Thank you for posting it. It is a direct connection to my new year, my meditations, my thoughts…EVERYTHING. Thank you so much!

    Elsie: Re comment 398 from Ruth…I agree with Ruth. If the only reason you love yourself is because of a man then I would hope you would begin the journey of learning to love yourself because of YOU. Things can be very unstable if all your self-love is placed squarely on the shoulders of another person.

    FW: ” I read to keep myself informed but at the same time I pay attention to what happens in the real world around me.” – That is sooooo ME!!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  418.  #419ruth on January 18, 2013 at 8:18 am

    413

    Elsie this is where you focus on yourself, doing lovely things for you that make you feel good-Rori gives some good examples about and in her book

    It isnt about *keeping yourself busy*

    Its about filling your life so it is the best life for you it can be

    And then the man is a lovely bonus and not an essential

    (*pokes self in eye to take own advice*)



  419.  #420janie baby on January 18, 2013 at 8:20 am

    Also, I agree FW… I feel that if we get too stuck on “facts” and “statistics” we lose sight of what’s beautiful and the timeless and the humanity.

    I love science classes, and I feel in awe learning about all the intricate crazy processes in the world, but I also feel open to different ways of thinking that can’t be or haven’t been proven by science.



  420.  #421Elsie on January 18, 2013 at 8:21 am

    @ruth and mercedes – how do you even get there? I only feel calm and relaxed when I feel loved. by someone else. to be specific – him. Its been so long since someone has truly loved me – and it feels so good – my oxytocin levels go nuts and I just feel like I need another “fix” lol….lol!!!!

    How do I go from that – to……hey, reading a book feels nice – ok, yah, but not as nice as oxytocin LOL! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Elsie



  421.  #422ruth on January 18, 2013 at 8:23 am

    417
    Mercedes
    thank you

    I have back slid a bit(lot) on the self esteem front

    It needs work

    But still
    If I did it before, I can do it again

    Forgot to say that to get werhe I am now took almost four years woth of temporary jobs

    Its funny, but \im back in the place I originally trained in, back with people I have known for fifteen years

    Its nice, even if I dont have the same seniority , salary or “kudos”



  422.  #423ruth on January 18, 2013 at 8:26 am

    well, Elsie, if I HAD got there, i wouldnt be here
    It a long slow process

    Oxytocin is a drug for sure

    robs you of all reason

    Right now, i am sittting here gazing at a cell phone waiting for a text

    aaaaaargh

    Right well, I might think about a run in that horrible white stuff out there



  423.  #424janie baby on January 18, 2013 at 8:27 am

    Elsie..
    I felt the same way as you a couple months ago. I felt sooo anxious and desperate to see him every second and would make suggestions and get soo angry. Finally, I broke one day after months of feeling this way.
    I read a couple books that helped me with anxiety
    “the power of now” by eckhart tolle
    “how to heal your life” by louise hay
    instead of reading books on how to fix everything with him.
    I have been trying meditation and yoga and going out and flirting with guys (just as friends)…I go out with my girlfriends and really try to focus on the moment.
    Trust that you’ll be ok no matter what. This is so hard and what I’m trying to do currently but with this, we can be courageous in spite of the fear in being truthful to our hearts without attacking or blaming another person.

    I definitely haven’t changed completely. As this morning and last night, I have been feeling the anxiety again, but it’s not as bad as before….
    please read “power of now”!Maybe it will help you!



  424.  #425ruth on January 18, 2013 at 8:28 am

    Seriously though

    its worth learning how to *really* relax via Yoga or meditation
    Although I cried and cried through loads of my Yoga sessions as all the repressed emotions came out
    Luckily our lovely teacher had done much the same when she started



  425.  #426Emerson on January 18, 2013 at 8:28 am

    Yea Ruth going forward is good…
    I look back too often because I’m looking for something…
    Familiarity, comfort, help, memories of love and companionship… I feel lonely sometimes



  426.  #427ruth on January 18, 2013 at 8:30 am

    FW, Janie

    Im a trained medical person and i am very open to complementary medicine

    some of the things I have seen in my career could NOT be explained by science



  427.  #428ruth on January 18, 2013 at 8:32 am

    425

    Emerson, nice memories are good to look back on
    Im doing that photo a day thing, and writing nice experiences as i have them on paper, and putting them in a jar to read at the end of the year



  428.  #429janie baby on January 18, 2013 at 8:32 am

    Hm Ruth,
    I feel curious to hear more about this!



  429.  #430Emerson on January 18, 2013 at 8:33 am

    Ruth what you said resonates with me so much… I work lots if weekends and yet here I am sick in bed losing two days of pay because I’m worn out! Ugh
    I miss my weekends!



  430.  #431ruth on January 18, 2013 at 8:34 am

    what the jar and photo thing janie, or the Yoga?



  431.  #432BeLoved on January 18, 2013 at 8:35 am

    410

    Emerson…haha! I felt relief and giggled reading this…
    I was just about to get sucked into at least one or two old roles and
    this helped me laugh and redirect my attention.
    I’m here at the cafe to write and instead on the blog..YIKES..
    move along, nothing to see here…I have my own stuff to focus on, everyone here are adults and can handle themselves wonderfully and
    I feel SO much better
    because just outside the window is
    an Allegedly Creepy guy who is shaking all over
    but while I was typing this out I looked over at him and smiled and made eye contact and waved back at him while keeping my heart open and
    then noticed he has a palsy of some sort.
    Commanding waves of peace, love and acceptance through my being
    loving the irritation,
    Noticing that my mirror neurons are firing up and wanting to mimic his movements and resisting that feels painful,
    I want to be the stronger vibe
    haha
    maybe a battle of wills here, too?
    ๐Ÿ˜€



  432.  #433janie baby on January 18, 2013 at 8:35 am

    “some of the things I have seen in my career could NOT be explained by science”



  433.  #434ruth on January 18, 2013 at 8:36 am

    Emerson, I used to do a one in two on call,(every other weekend too) and I *was* called in a lot at night to deal with sick kidney patients

    I did on call and stupid hours for, um,16 years

    Not any more

    its worth the pay cut



  434.  #435Emerson on January 18, 2013 at 8:36 am

    Elsie I know what you mean… I miss the days I had with my ex and when I felt loved and special and like I was so amazing to him… It was awesome! Such a crash when it ended.



  435.  #436BeLoved on January 18, 2013 at 8:37 am

    Dear limbic system:

    I don’t want to feel irritated being so close to Shaky Guy and at the same time I don’t want to move to another spot which will also be uncomfortable for different reasons.

    I don’t want to feel uncomfortable and irritated, I want to feel comfortable, peaceful, relaxed and inspired.
    I’m not sure what to do here, what do you think?



  436.  #437Starla on January 18, 2013 at 8:37 am

    yay lizka!



  437.  #438Mercedes on January 18, 2013 at 8:38 am

    Elsie: For me, it came from taking really, really good care of myself (my looks, my dress, my food intake, my water intake, my amount of exercise, etc) and from meditation and visualizations. I learned to look in the mirror and love me and I learned to meditate on and visualize the continued changes I would like to make (while still imagining myself as FABULOUS).

    I still follow this process today (most days. I do have my lazy days for sure!). I love myself very much and I love being ME because I know I am who I want to be and I know I am also willing to grow. All that love leaves plenty of reason and space for J to love me too.

    It’s not up to him to make sure I feel loved, I got that on my own. It’s not up to him to make me feel secure and happy and confident. That’s MY job. As part of that job, I have created a space in my life and in my heart for someone else to love me. I don’t demand it from him and I don’t “need” it but I have space for it and he stepped up to fill that space.

    Part of getting there was, I believe, circular dating. It’s a huge confidence builder and it gave me a reason to take care of myself (wanted to look good on my dates).

    Also, the visualizations. I faked it for a while. I imagined myself beautiful and I imagined me loving myself but it took a while for me to really believe it. Now I just kind of take it for granted. lol. Fake it til you make it I guess…and I made it. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much like you I love myself some oxy…but it isn’t the only way I can experience love and that to me is very important.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  438.  #439ruth on January 18, 2013 at 8:38 am

    432 Janie
    as one example
    the way patients wont die until a certain relative has got there for one

    Unexplained cancer remissions
    all sorts of odd stuff

    It usually follows the path its supposed to, but sometimes miracles happen



  439.  #440BeLoved on January 18, 2013 at 8:40 am

    This just made my heart cry a little bit…interesting.
    Love love showers of love (thank you Starla!) for feeling irritated and uncertain and b*tchy.
    Dear imagination,
    I do not want to feel choked up and yucky about smoke that is OUTSIDE and cannot touch me.
    (haha the guy is smoking and my body is reacting as if he is inside, the power of imagination and glass windows, haha this is too funny).

    Please use your imaginal superpowers to soothe, ease, comfort and inspire me and also help me remember what the h3ll I came here to write about anyway.

    Thank you for the irritation and, I want to feel good ๐Ÿ™‚

    Love,
    BeLoved



  440.  #441Smile on January 18, 2013 at 8:42 am

    Hi dr Ruth, I’ve been meaning to ask you for a while…
    I know your a liver dr but what do you know bout the kidneys? I’m caring a lot of fear around immUnotherapy for the kidneys?



  441.  #442BeLoved on January 18, 2013 at 8:43 am

    Ohmigosh omg omg omg omg, He just got up and left and walked across the street!!!
    Whaaaa??

    Ahahahhaha
    I have infinite feelings of appreciation for all my creations, thank you this is fun!



  442.  #443ruth on January 18, 2013 at 8:43 am

    Nah smile, Im a kidney doc

    I just pickle my liver;)

    ask away
    ๐Ÿ™‚



  443.  #444Smile on January 18, 2013 at 8:44 am

    433

    Sick kidney patients… Ruth this scares me ๐Ÿ™

    Is kidney disease life threatening?



  444.  #445ruth on January 18, 2013 at 8:44 am

    441 BeLoved you have a h*ll of a powerful brain



  445.  #446janie baby on January 18, 2013 at 8:44 am

    wow that feels great to read Ruth!
    I just ordered “a course in miracles” on amazon.
    Can’t wait to read!!

    Mercedes,
    I am trying to visualizations and affirmations…I just don’t fully believe them DEEP DOWN yet… I really want to get to the point where I believe them!! Alsooo I was wondering if you could give me a little feedback on what you would say to my post on 409 if you have any? thank youuu!!

    I feel like taking a nap soon haha I’m soo lazy! It’s my time of month and usually I’ve been getting up early to go to yoga but today I feel like sleeping in before rehearsal.



  446.  #447Emerson on January 18, 2013 at 8:47 am

    431 beloved
    Aww I feel soft and loving to read about you waving and acknowledging that guy… He’s probably admiring your beauty and your eye contact and wave probably made his day… It made my day just reading it! It’s so much more fulfilling to broken hearted and kind…
    I want to practice it more often and have a soft open vibe…



  447.  #448ruth on January 18, 2013 at 8:48 am

    443
    Smile, no not necessarily
    Remember I work in a hospital and a dialysis unit
    the patients who are in hospital as there cos they are sick-I get a really skewed view
    Most of my in hospital dialysis lot are old with loads of other things wrong with them

    I have lots of very healthy people in the out patient clinic who I see every few months, actually, most of those are now followed up by GPs-leaving me with the complex ones

    ther is a whole spectrum of *kidney disease*

    Ranging form very sick to occasional monitoring



  448.  #449ruth on January 18, 2013 at 8:49 am

    also Smile, if you want to PM via facebook thats fine too
    ๐Ÿ™‚



  449.  #450BeLoved on January 18, 2013 at 8:50 am

    A wave of gratitude just unleashed from my heart and I feel JOY radiating from my heart and all through my body, mostly in my torso and throat.
    I feel relief,
    and like I want to cry/laugh
    I feel so grounded and centered and whole right now.
    Thank you! Thank you!



  450.  #451Starla on January 18, 2013 at 8:51 am

    My face is peeling and weird looking from a chemical peel right now. So QZ is coming over to my place to cook me dinner:).

    awwwwwww

    i asked him if we went out if a paper bag would be necessary. He started joking about how he’s hurt i would want him to cover his head with a paper bag. he is so kind and supportive to me.

    If I have time, I’m going to decorate a paper bag with a different face on each side. One side will be happy, the other will be sad, one will be smoking a joint, the last side will be reciting shakespeare.

    it feels so freeing and large to be with a man who inspires me to do pointless crafts to amuse ourselves.



  451.  #452Smile on January 18, 2013 at 8:51 am

    Thank you Ruth, Amb cd has to start some immunotherapy, I think that’s what it’s called. It just scared me a bit. I tried to research it but didn’t get very far.



  452.  #453Smile on January 18, 2013 at 8:54 am

    448, thank you Ruth, I will ๐Ÿ™‚



  453.  #454Mercedes on January 18, 2013 at 8:55 am

    Janie Baby: I didn’t believe it deep down for a long time either and I still have my days when I falter from it (I call those my lazy days). It took a lot of practice. I think many people give up on meditation because it feels like it “isn’t working” when in reality, it is, but it needs more time for the effects to be realized. Not sure that makes any sense but it is what my fingers typed. lol

    On comment 409 (and I’m so sorry…I was caught up in my own drama and didn’t realize you had reached out to me):
    “I wanted to be cool and change my vibe and my vibe was changed during the day but I just felt soo sad when he called me and I couldnโ€™t hide itโ€ฆ”

    Please don’t hide anything or try to be cool. Being authentic is a really good thing and sometimes that means you will cry. The more your vibe is changed when you are not in his presence (or on the phone with him, etc), the more it will change when you ARE. It’ll come honey…no quick fixes here though.

    “Should I just try to be friends to take the pressure off? or stay with him but CD?”

    I suggest neither. I suggest you CD and leave space for him to be in your rotation if he wants to be. Not exactly “staying with him” but being open to him if he comes to you.

    A real, real focus on YOU is so necessary right now. Totally let him lead where he wants to and you move on with your life and with dating. If he wants to heal this with you, he will step up and he will lead you together. If he doesn’t, it’ll be okay because you will be on your own journey of healing and making space for love.

    I hope that helps a little…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  454.  #455Starla on January 18, 2013 at 8:55 am

    hey sirens, i try to be anonymous on the blog, but if Ruth doesn’t mind, you can connect with her to find me on facebook under my real name. it would feel fun to be friends with all of you:)

    as long as you never call me starla on facebook, lol



  455.  #456Goodheart on January 18, 2013 at 8:56 am

    Starla, the paper bags made me giggle ๐Ÿ™‚

    I’m loving you & qz back together – feels magical & twinkly & happy in my heart.

    Like life should be ๐Ÿ™‚



  456.  #457NewfMom on January 18, 2013 at 9:00 am

    Starla (454) – I guess I didn’t see where to connect with you or Ruth. I wonder if I can post my fb link here and not have it deleted.

    Anyone? I don’t want to break any rules.



  457.  #458Femininewoman on January 18, 2013 at 9:05 am

    Elsie – Also this man has never and never will lie to me.

    I felt and laugh of incredulity on the inside of me when I read this. I would not assume anything even if he told me. I have men who will tell me something private and then tell me outright if I repeat it and someone asks them about it they will lie and say they never told me that.



  458.  #459Starla on January 18, 2013 at 9:05 am

    newfmom, you can definitely post your fb link here, if you feel comfortable doing it.

    if you want to be completely anonymous here, i would advise against it, in case someone googles for your name and your name is in your fb link, etc.



  459.  #460Emerson on January 18, 2013 at 9:07 am

    RecycledCD is back in a pedestal in my mind. Starla, Recycled is kinda like my crack fix…. Now and then I have reallly bad withdrawals. I’m really missing him as we had always spent Xmas and birthdays together and I feel sad and empty.
    I also feel a bit deflated as two of my jobs I feel disrespected and unappreciated by my female counterparts and bosses… They talk to me disrespectfully or change my schedule at the last minute and I feel trapped and stunned and unsure of myself and how to respond … I feel angry becuz I actually just want to get in with my day and work and not deal with the politicking or biting comments.
    It feels so much better knowing i have backup at home like a relationship of some sort and I resent myself for wanting and needing that… I really judge myself for not being stronger or more independent…. I appear that way but inside I want to collapse … I’m very sensitive …..



  460.  #461ruth on January 18, 2013 at 9:07 am

    whos got the links to Siren Island??



  461.  #462BeLoved on January 18, 2013 at 9:18 am

    Ruth – I know, right!!?? I feel so amazed. He left his cup half-full, and started pacing back and forth, stopping just short of where he had been sitting as if he could NOT come close.
    The Very Best Thing I Have Done For Myself So Far tm has been to use Rori’s tools/FM’s with ME, my body, my dream characters, traumatic memories, the imaginary people and voices in my head wh used to drive me crazy…
    The forever relationship I want is between ME and ME ๐Ÿ˜€



  462.  #463NewfMom on January 18, 2013 at 9:19 am

    I absolutely feel comfortable here and don’t feel the need to not be open. ๐Ÿ™‚

    http://www.facebook.com/FlyingWizard

    All I ask is that you message me letting me know that you’re from Rori’s blog. I don’t often accept friend requests from people who aren’t at least friends of friends. I’ve opened up my page to be visible to the public for this occasion.

    My name is Danielle Bingham (on FB: Danielle Wizzie Bingham), and you can Google me. The results will say that I’m a writer. If you add my middle initial K (only, no period after), I come up as a breeder and fancier of Newfoundland show dogs.



  463.  #464Starla on January 18, 2013 at 9:22 am

    ((((((((Emerson))))))))))



  464.  #465Annie on January 18, 2013 at 9:26 am

    337: Mercedes.

    Ty For sharing, it felt so lovely and gorgeous to read. X



  465.  #466Smile on January 18, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Ruth I sent you a pm. Thank you.



  466.  #467Smile on January 18, 2013 at 9:40 am

    Starla, he he, I have the urge to work it out, who else are you friends with?

    I don’t want to join siren island because I want to remain anonymous for lots of reasons and I don’t ‘know’ everyone on there.



  467.  #468NewfMom on January 18, 2013 at 9:41 am

    I just got a friend request, but I don’t know who it’s from on here. Could you please pm me?

    Thanks!



  468.  #469Daria on January 18, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Last bite felt scary and a grudging and I felt so glad to go to sleep.

    This morning I felt so good, then I started thinking about last nite and felt scared again

    My mom came and had like a meltdown

    I feel glad that she yelled and got a lot of express stuff out

    It felt triggering for me

    I’m getting better at taking care of me without shutting down

    I love my shutdown

    I love my rage

    I love my fear

    I love my anger

    I love my blame

    I feel it now

    I love my hotness



  469.  #470Starla on January 18, 2013 at 9:43 am

    newf, i tried to send you a message after i friended you just now but it says that you don’t accept messages from strangers



  470.  #471Lori on January 18, 2013 at 9:43 am

    I’m feeling okay today. Making plans for my weekend. Haven’t heard from him yet about next week nor will I bring it up. In fact, I’m making plans irregardless of what he wants to do. If he calls and asks me about next week and I already have plans, so be it. I won’t change them for him.

    A good point was made yesterday about him thinking that I’m just always here and available when it’s convenient for him.



  471.  #472Daria on January 18, 2013 at 9:44 am

    I feel sad that Daria is feeling sad

    I feel guilty for not taking even better care of he
    I feel compelled to bear myself up and I don’t want to

    I love all of me



  472.  #473Starla on January 18, 2013 at 9:45 am

    smile, i’m friends with lots of sirens.. my profile pic is me in a black dress with dark red hair seated surrounded by a few men, hehe. and there’s a burrito in my hand.



  473.  #474NewfMom on January 18, 2013 at 9:48 am

    That’s odd, Starla – I thought I set that. I’ve gotten messages from non-friends before.

    Ah, well – I’ll just reply to you. ๐Ÿ™‚



  474.  #475ruth on January 18, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Emerson, thats fair enough
    How I hate politics at work



  475.  #476ALA on January 18, 2013 at 10:19 am

    Ima- I can relate to that. I’m super shy when I first meet someone. I have no advise, other than babysteps… ?

    I feel open to suggestions from other sirens how they go about to be that confident, juicy, intriguing woman that men can’t help but want to know more.



  476.  #477ruth on January 18, 2013 at 10:21 am

    I dont know how you lot are going to find me on facebook if i dont put my surname on here, and, actually, no, Im not happy doing that cos I have posted some flaky stuff on here LOL



  477.  #478Starla on January 18, 2013 at 10:23 am

    sorry ruth i just meant people who are already friends with you:)



  478.  #479Mercedes on January 18, 2013 at 10:25 am

    ALA: “I feel open to suggestions from other sirens how they go about to be that confident, juicy, intriguing woman that men canโ€™t help but want to know more.” Maybe pick a role model (someone you see this way – Like for me it would be maybe Audrey Hepburn or Marilyn Monroe or Jackie Kennedy, etc) and pretend to be her for the day. Walk like her, try to think like her, visualize yourself like her, think what would she do before you act, etc. Fake it til you make it? ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Ruth: I’m the same way. No connection between this blog and fb for me either. Totally not comfortable with it. I don’t even use the same email address here that I use there.

    Thank you Annie for being so receptive to what I had to say.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  479.  #480NewfMom on January 18, 2013 at 10:27 am

    Ruth – There’s a little “flaky” in *all* of us. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Besides, I made myself quite public, so feel free to contact me.



  480.  #481janie baby on January 18, 2013 at 10:28 am

    Mercedes,
    I just took an hour nap. Felt soo good! I felt answers coming to me in my sleep and forgot them once I woke up, but I feel like the wisdom is still in me and will guide me today.

    “I think many people give up on meditation because it feels like it โ€œisnโ€™t workingโ€ when in reality, it is, but it needs more time for the effects to be realized. ” This makes sense to me….I hope soon it will make sense for me!!

    Thanks so much for your advice ๐Ÿ™‚ Helped alot…I guess I won’t make any decisions one way or the other. I will just BE…The only problem is I met a couple nice guys yesterday who I want to go out with but I don’t want him to think I’m cheating on him if he sees me out with other men you know? So I don’t know whether to warn him? Or just say ya I totally understand you’re not ready…. kind of break off our “boyfriend girlfriend” commitment so I don’t have to tell him anything hehe..

    Feeling better.



  481.  #482Emerson on January 18, 2013 at 10:32 am

    Hey sirens I feel tempted to join the island on Facebook too but not today..maybe in the future. It would feel fun to see you all ๐Ÿ™‚

    Thanks for the hug Starla and thanks for your comment Ruth…
    I feel so unmotivated at my job that does not treat me well. I dont want to be there. Here I go again missing “the old days” when I was at a single high paying job with respect…
    Recreating my life is harder than I thought….
    I never dreamed I’d be in this position when I was in my 20’s… I had high hopes for myself
    It’s not too late I know that.
    But I’m feeling tired and not taking care of myself is not helping ….something needs to change!



  482.  #483Mercedes on January 18, 2013 at 10:33 am

    Janie Baby: “but I donโ€™t want him to think Iโ€™m cheating on him if he sees me out with other men” – To me, this is what the “no girlfriend” speech is all about. It’s so you are very clear to him that you are going to keep your options open until you have the relationship you want. At that point, there is no cheating. You have told him what you want, told him what you were going to do and then went out and did it. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  483.  #484NewfMom on January 18, 2013 at 10:36 am

    Janie baby – I so get where you’re at. I explained things to Phillip as my way of taking pressure off of the relationship. I also said that I didn’t want to have a laser lock on him, which would make him back away. On the surface, he’s fine with it, but every once in a while, he would ask me how many dates I’ve been on, or stuff like that.

    My response to that is, “I don’t feel comfortable discussing my dates with you.”

    Simple, too the point and puts everything into perspective for him – that you are to be “won” – not “had.”



  484.  #485CurvySiren10 on January 18, 2013 at 10:38 am

    Emerson & anyone interested- Siren Island is a “secret” group on fb. No one sees our posts outside of the members. Some have created “Siren” fb profiles to join, others (like myself) are just there with our real profiles. Your choice, but it’s very safe….



  485.  #486NewfMom on January 18, 2013 at 10:41 am

    CurvySiren10 – I tried looking the group up, but didn’t find it. Does that mean it’s an invite only group?



  486.  #487janie baby on January 18, 2013 at 10:43 am

    Mercedes:
    Cool thanks!!! I feel better about facing the day ๐Ÿ™‚
    One more thing: should I stop sleeping with him too or tell him I will just be sexually exclusive with him for now? I’m not really sure about that.

    Newfmom:
    Hmm! Ok feels good to read that you’re on the same page! I am definitely not trying to force anyone. I want him to call me because HE wants to call me. Not because I want him to… you know?



  487.  #488ruth on January 18, 2013 at 10:43 am