How To Glide Through Scary Dating

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This post is in answer to Alias Girl – who’s working with Circular Dating and how to deal with men she doesn’t like, who offend her, who only want sex, or who are boring to her and who she no longer wants to date.  You can see the back and forth comments here->

This is going to be a lot of posts (not in a series) – so let’s start here:

The thing we all have going on inside us – and those of us with violent and scary things in our histories that can easily trigger the trauma of feeling HELPLESS while bad things are happening (this is pretty much at the core of ALL trauma – it’s not the event – it’s the helpless feeling that entrenches the experience as trauma) – we have this in even a more extreme way – is fear of our own power.

Because we can so easily feel so helpless, whenever we assert ourselves in any way, it brings up the fear of retribution.  We expect something bad to happen.  We’re afraid to offend anyone or upset anyone.  It’s in the cells of our bodies.

And then, of course, this makes us feel angry – and then the anger – which is way more powerful than fear – bounces us back into fear because our anger feels so overpowering.

The way to heal this is to slowly practice asserting power, expressing scary feelings like anger in as unscary a way as possible, taking more and more risks, and accustoming our bodies to this new state of things.

When you try stuff and don’t get the results you want – I want you to FEEL what you feel as best you can.  NOTICE what’s happening to you.  If you go blank or numb, then you know you bumped up too hard against the really scary stuff, and you’ll be more gentle next time.

I’m going to do a whole program soon about healing heartbreak, and I’m going to go into this process in detail…for now – just keep parcticing, doing Free Therapy, and TRACKING yourself. 

Stay in concert and in touch with yourself as best you can.  Discover your own patterns and bounces back and forth.

Don’t try to “breakthrough,” please.  This is a “gentle GLIDE.”  Step-by-step through a mine-field.

You can do it.  A bit at a time.

Honor yourself always…

Love, Rori

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18 Comments

  1.  #1Rori Raye on October 22, 2008 at 2:55 pm

    Just got this wonderful email from “Rose”:

    “Dear Rori, I love you. You say it as it is and I think it is about time girls heard it like it is. We need to take care of ourselves before taking care of another. Also can girls hold onto what’s in between their legs til they get what they want. It is precious. Rose.”

    I absolutely love to hear your opinions and feelings – both “boy” and “girl” stuff – And Thank you so much, Rose, for this…Rori



  2.  #2ann on October 22, 2008 at 5:32 pm

    I really like your “gentle glide”. I know for me I have to do it a little at a time or else I don’t help myself. Yesterday I was in my head trying to solve problems. When I realized I was doing more thinking than feeling, I tried to ground myself. Could only do that for few secends to a couple minutes at a time. I felt tension all through my body. Finally, my belly felt like it had a huge balloon swelling up in it and was about ready to POP. So I spoke about what was bothering me, but only about the fear & anxiety I was experiencing because of the situation. I simply, quietly said “I feel anxiety all through my body because of the uncertainly of the situation” and explain I had to say this because my belly felt like it was swelling like a balloon. I felt the tension slowly release in my body, my belly balloon started deflating. Quite, gentle tears started rolling down my cheek, I just let them roll. The person I was talking to was supportive and said they would help in any way they could. I felt good because I’d respected me and spoke my feelings. Thank you Rori for all your tools.



  3.  #3alias girl on October 22, 2008 at 8:34 pm

    wow. i guess when the student is ready the teacher will appear.bc it’s certainly the case with ms. rori raye. i’m almost afraid to envision what would have happened if i had just kept on the way i was. i am finally in touch with myself. and what’s been coming up quite a bit is my Rage. i mean rage. i don’t mean i am acting out on this rage but that i am aware of it as it is in my body when triggered by something on the outside. the bad news is i have to feel it. but i get to follow it around and love it and follow it as it transmutes to positive or just dissipates to neutral. the good news is how much ENERGY i have now. my body feels different and i am starting to TAKE ACTION IN AREAS of my life that i had felt soooo stuck in before. i am feeling the toxicity of my job. (i start feeling rage about twenty minutes before i even leave the house to go to work.) i was never quite aware of the goings on inside me like i am now. i never realized the connection to the rage i felt before work and that it was actually directly related to the environment itself. i would just feel irritated and impatient whcih would lead me to think i was unemployable in such a state and thank god i had a job. it is very very similar to my family situation i had while growing up. thinking it must be worse to venture into the unknown if it’s this bad here. it really is like loving the abuser and making it my fault my problem. my ” unloveableness”. well i am not unloveable. i am not unemployable. maybe i was at one time. but i’m not anymore. i’ve got irons in the fire, and suitors, and hopes and dreams. i’ve got feelings. i’ve got enrgy. i’ve got tools. it’s not like everything is a puffy white cloud now but it’s not like I’m jammed into a cement cell of depression either. i can feel. and i can feel my way through to my dreams coming true. i’m pretty sure.



  4.  #4Daria on October 22, 2008 at 10:36 pm

    I still want to text the guy that used to be my friend. We had been bumping heads about who would drive to whom (he’s not driving right now)… I want to be his friend again! I miss hanging out with him. I have been thinking about this for at least the past 2 days… it seems like non-stop… I guess this is a form of pining for him… he begged and begged for my attention and for me to come see him… I want to go out there right now! I want to hang out with him and my other friends too… I feel like I am in a constant state of tension with myself…



  5.  #5Daria on October 22, 2008 at 11:00 pm

    I feel powerless and lonely. I feel angry at Rori’s rules. I feel sad. I love my sadness and powerlessness. I love my loneliness. I feel even more powerless. I love my super powerlessness. I want to hug her. It’s ok I love you. Even if everyone has abandoned you I love you. I feel angry at myself for not going to see my friends. I love my anger. I feel confused. I love my confusion. It feels like staring eyes… It feels like heavy sides of mouth… oh I just remembered how good and happy I felt this morning after dance class. That feels like my eyes brightening and sides of lip lifting… and now they sank down again. It feels like fighting an impossible battle. I feel like I just want to feel powerless. That’s ok. I accept myself even if I want to feel powerless. I know part of me feels powerful. Part of me feels like I can leave all my friends behind and move far away and be ok and happy. And part of me feels scared and guilty. Part of me feels scared to violate my loyalty to my friends. And I feel stuck. That feels like sighing… It feels like boredom. It feels like shoulders up… It feels like heaviness throughout my body… I feel angry… I feel angry at my body… part of me feels like asking for help… and part of me feels I should do this all by myself… and thats ok… I feel abandoned… and that’s ok. I feel sad. Part of me feels smug that I don’t feel happy. And thats ok. I love my smugness. And I feel lighter. I love myself. I can love myself. I feel so heavy. I so desperately want my friends to call so I don’t call them. That feels scary… it feels like heaviness from my face to my stomach… it feels like tiredness… like no energy… I so want help… I feel like laying down on the floor… I feel scared … I just laid down on the floor for a little while… I feel down down down… I feel like my eyes closing and like I’m filled with heavy smoky gasses in my chest… I love my feelings… taht is so cool to have smoky gasses in my chest… what a romantic and beautiful image… I really don’t want to feel good … and tha’t sok… I know part of me does want to feel good and I love that part of me also… I feel sad and calm and peaceful… I feel my sadness tighten in my cheek… I want to feel HAPPY… I feel so ANGRY… I feel like things are spinning… I love my spinning… I am so strong for finding my feelings this way… I feel proud… that feels like smiling… that feels like chuckling… and I feel happier… that feels like my eyes feeling brighter… it feels like feeling good… It feels like light in my chest and out from heart and up… I love my feelings… I love my good feelings… That feels like taking a big deep breath… and a sigh… oh i feel calm now and peaceful and I feel a smile on my face! I feel powerful! I feel successful!!! YAAAY!!

    PS – Rori is it normal to feel these strange nameless “down” feelings?

    PPS – I am now taking a power step and listening to my financial abundance seminar…



  6.  #6alias girl on October 23, 2008 at 12:51 am

    hi daria. rori’s Tools. not rules. 🙂 nowhere does it say not to put sex only guys in your circular dating rotation but that’s what i’m experimenting with and it FEELS good. i had had a talk w my ex before i let him go and told him it wasn’t wokring for me anymore etc etc. we went our separate ways. or so we thought then two days later we texted and he asked if he could call. no rules for me. i was experimenting. he called lat..er that night and stayed on the phone longer than he ever had w me leaning back in the convo and him opening up. over the weekend he called and asked if i wanted to see him that night. we had another talk. i asked his opinion explained situation between us as if it were two other people then told him i was confused and what did he think. as an experiment i agreed to see him (i don’t have a huge rule about last minute get togethers. if i’m up for it i go. maybe that will change depends on how i FEEL) long story short i saw him that night made out with himetc and totally felt like the biggest piece of crap three days later. yes it took me three days to clearly know i did not 100% did not want what he was offering me. not as a friend and not as a date in my rotatipn. he could either step up or step off as far as i was concerned. but i cam to this clarity by experimenting and FEELING. i told him i felt like crap and wanted no contact. haven’t spoken with him in three weeks. i am not pining over him. i am wondering sometimes if we are even compatible and what will i say if (when) he tries to start things up again. i have less respect for him. he seems immature and not very good at wanting to make me his queen. who knows. i will end up with whoever i end up with. my point is experiment and see how you feel.



  7.  #7alias girl on October 23, 2008 at 1:05 am

    that was awesome daria…riffing all the way to channeling to a power action. NICE! i think maybe they are rori Tools not rules. 😉 i think your smoky gasses are kinda cool too. nice job! i have two decent men i have mined from online. one seemed like he was kind of eh interested leaning towards less interest and i was like whatever bc i have a full buffet here. and then he called and emailed twice. which a part of me actually finds super annoying but i know intellectually the behavior is more biological than it is game playing. men like to hunt. ok fine. how do i keep him interested in hunting me still once he’s committed? i don’t know. i’ll get that program (what program would that be?) when i come to it. first things first. also i know i find fault very easy in the beginning with men until i feel safe with them. once i’m in though i don’t much care about as many nit picking things. i think it’s just me trying to avoid people getting close to me and justifying it with finding fault. baby steps. baby steps.



  8.  #8Lin on October 23, 2008 at 6:04 am

    Dating does not have to be scary. My bountaries are set. I protect me. I notice my feeling when I am with a date. If I am not comfortable.. I know.. why,,, I am polite….
    I notice the reasons for the feelings that come up inside me. If we change locations, and I feel safe with him, I still do not get inside his car.
    I drive my own car always.
    I can tell very soon into the date, if he is on a date with my body.. cause he talks about it.
    I feel disrespected. I feel he is too bold and disrespecting my soul. I do look at him just as bold as he looked at me. I share my feelings with him. I might say, I am feeling you are looking for sex very soon. I wait for him to answer. He might say, well you are a very desirable women, I would love to have sex with you. I say perfect, I like feeling desirable, the way to my body is through my heart and mind.
    Do you think you can get into my heart and my mind? Casual sex does not feel good for me.
    Some men will agree, with my feelings. Some men will be angry with the very idea that they
    will not be able to get” lucky”. I will pick up on their vibe. I have heard. Well we are not 15 years old, bla bla bla ..
    I feel good with me. I love me.
    I beleive men like that are too shallow.( no matter how much money they have) I respect me and my values.I will not do anything that I feel ashamed of. I move on. Ladies there are so many fishes in the sea. Love yourself. Also keep fishing ! I also can tell if a man is cheep.
    I will not see him again. I also know if a man is obsessive, cause he will call me 9 times each day, after the first date. Feels creepy..
    I share to him, our feeling about each other do not match. I feel uncomfortable about that issue.. I rather see a man when we are on the same page. good by.
    Lin



  9.  #9alias girl on October 23, 2008 at 8:52 am

    thurs oct 23 12:51 pm. is not a post i mean to post. sometimes i will write just to purge and then decide not to send. but i post from my cellphone which comes with glitches and when i went to clear it, it wouldn’t clear. (unlike when i wrote that big long post one night and i di mean to post it and instead it cleared it.) anyway so i kept back paging hoping that would clear it and it didn’t so i literally went offline. i got back online and posted again. now both my posts are up there along with my plea to erase the first one. that’s fine what can i do ? i can’t control things that i can’t control. but i feel unsafe. i regret typing personal information into a box for the world to see before i was sure i wanted to post it for the world. that’s life. it won’t kill me. but i feel unsafe.



  10.  #10Lin on October 23, 2008 at 10:39 am

    alias girl ,
    I understand how you feel. I have felt
    that many times…as if everyone will know who
    you are… by what you wrote… you are writing down your feelings so raw.. and real…
    me too…. however… your letter does not say enought about you for any one to know..
    yes, your friends would.. if they know about this site… however I bet they do not know.
    so relax… I do feel you are safe.Keep up the good work in getting it all out and being in touch with your self.
    Lin



  11.  #11Daria on October 23, 2008 at 1:23 pm

    alias girl it is ok… i didn’t even consider that too personal at all… but im sure rori will come and erase it…

    sigh…

    i did do my experiment driving to see this guy and it turned out awful… i was feeling really tense with him at the time… now I feel more relaxed… I’m actually wanting to be friends with him… though I know he would want more… and I want to text him and even go (drive) hang out with him…

    even though it felt awful last time because our timing was off…

    so i guess i want to bump my head on the wall again…

    sigh…

    PS – thank you… i know it’r Rori’s tools lol… but there are also the 4 rules… and part of them is not initiating contact… which is what i want to do



  12.  #12Daria on October 23, 2008 at 2:07 pm

    well i just texted my friend…
    my text said:

    hi…i feel kina uncomfortable texting u and i miss you and miss talking to you i am thinking of u and always wishing the best for u

    soooo… he immediately texted back:

    im fine how have u been?

    and i said:

    im feeling fine been feeling kinda bored and lonely I feel so glad to hear from you Yay u have been on my mind the past 3 days I feel like a dork right now lol

    to which he has not yet responded. I’m feeling relieved and now I want to contact more of my guy friends… I’m also feeling a little nervous that this feeling will turn into a bad one…

    Part of me feels rebellious… part of me misses talking a lot on the phone with them and sounding like each other making funny and cool comments and I used to feel so happy just hearing myself speak that way… now I speak with feeling messages only if at all and mostly have a lot of silences with men… which feels sexy and mysterious…
    I miss happy playful carefree me… I feel torn…

    help?



  13.  #13Rori Raye on October 23, 2008 at 8:11 pm

    Daria – your fear is making you want to control things and DO things. You HAVE to hold yourself back and FEEL the anxiety and panic that’s underneath all this – and then you have to go out and flirt, and date, and find a NEW RHYTHM to your life. Go find some new music to dance to and some new men to chase YOU down.

    Love, Rori



  14.  #14Daria on October 23, 2008 at 10:13 pm

    Thank you Rori…
    I am feeling better now… even though he has not called me back… I do not want to lose these people from my life… it feels weird but I asked God for them and they came… I manifested them a long time ago without knowing about manifesting or Law of Attraction or anything… I simply knew that I wanted to have lots of brothers (since I don’t have any actually). I had felt somewhat out of place everywhere for years until I found them and I felt so free and joyful. Now I agree that I have lived through this happy period of my life and that it is time to change… I am afraid of change because I believe somewhere that letting go of people is selfish and is the reason behind families and society’s problems… I believe in being there until the end… I believe in loving the unlovable like Mother Theresa. There is a saint I know of in my religion her name is Paraschiva. She was born in a rich family but one day when her and her family were coming home from church she saw poor people and she felt bad for them… she was only about 5 or 6 but she gave them her very expensive clothes. Her parents were mad at her for doing this. They thought she was crazy. But she kept doing this. Eventually she ran away and lived as a holy person and a mystic in a monestary and then in nature. The giving of everything she had really struck a chord in me and I see myself and wanted to be like this saint. I have always strived to see the good in people and continued to love people when they treated me wrong. I have given without expecting anything back. Well I did expect that people’s hearts would soften but this was mostly for their own benefit. And they did. At first people did not appreciate me or my gifts but then they started to. People now know me as a loyal and loving person. They wonder at how I have come to have the friends I have because they don’t usually befriend people.

    I do not want to let go of this! I feel I have earned it. At the same time, things are changing. I have learned to be more independent instead of basing my identity and happiness on my friends. I have learned now how to love myself and my feelings, even though I still am stumbling. And I have thanks to your tools learned to hold back on the giving, both so that I can receive and also to allow other people room to grow on their own. I feel terrified of losing everyone out my life now as I am changing. I still remember times when I was young where I spent months in the house doing nothing because I had no friends. I truly feel blessed to have had them. I do not want to feel lonely! It feels like drowning!

    I want to love all my feelings. I want to love the terror that I feel. I feel so hopeless like fighting back the ocean… I can carry all my friends and glue them all together but I cannot fight the ocean and I feel so sad… I feel my face tighten and my eyes feel hot and tears are coming out now… I feel so sad for me and for all the pain I have been through… I feel selfish sharing this and I know many people maybe even reading this blog have gone through as much or more… I am so grateful that I had a happy childhood without abuse… I feel so sad I am crying! I love my crying and shame… I am sooo sorry and I do not know why but I love me and the part of me that is sorry… and I feel so desperate. Thank you Rori for answering I was beginning to think that I am commenting too much or asking for too much help… I feel worried I will be addicted to this forum because it seems to lift me up so much and I check it constantly… I feel so embarassed… I feel sad and that is good… That means I am alive and I am SO glad to be alive… I feel sad… I feel worried that I may live my life through some terrible tragedy like a death camp or something and I feel scared that loving my feelings will not be enough in a situation like that… I am feeling better… It feels good to say all these things out loud… well write them down… my tears have slowed… I feel calm… and now I felt laughter… I am starting to feel happy! So strange… I love my happiness… I love my sadness… I love all of me… I want to believe that I will be all right… I feel afraid that I am going in circles… and that is ok I know Rori you said that it is a spiral… I want to love myself… I do love myself… I love myself even though I feel so angry that I cannot help my friends when I want to… I feel so angry that I cannot help myself… I feel so hopeless that I do not always feel appreciative of the good things I do for myself… I love my hopelessness… I feel confused loving my hopelessness but I want to love it… I want to love you hopelessness… Yes you! I see you in there… that feels like laughing… I miss u and love u hopelessness… I am here for you!!! I accept you and love you… that feels like smiling wide… it feels like calmness…

    Thank you everyone I am going to take my much awaited salt bath right now…



  15.  #15ann on October 24, 2008 at 3:33 pm

    Darla (hug),

    One thing I really like about this blog is the authenticity of the women here. I’ve live alot of my life in fear, I’m growing more here by doing my own work, but also by reading how all the other brave women here are learning & growing. When I see someone say I don’t won’t to do this & loving theirselve I applause their honesty. When I see Rori say, here is why you don’t want to do x, y, z, but if you do it this way, here are the results you’ll get. I hope I’m making myself clear. I feel like we are a group of women scattered all over the world, but holding each other’s hands here. Sharing with each other, cheering for each other and holding each other up as we learn to have the relationships and lives we want. Thanks Rori for encoraging us to leave comments. Thanks ladies for sharing your journey.



  16.  #16Daria on October 24, 2008 at 10:37 pm

    Thank you Ann…

    I feel the same way this forum is like having a circle of women friends!

    hugs back!



  17.  #17Cassandra on October 25, 2008 at 4:35 pm

    Ladies…..
    I have just begun to post on the site but have been reading it for a little while. I guess it took me a while to fell safe posting. Please know that each of you touch me and everyone else in such a wonderful and powerful way. Everyone here seems to be so supportive and REAL even in feelings that are not so fun to experience. I so hope that I can get to the point that you all are at where I can learn to love my feelings and really allow myself to feel them without shame or guilt. How do you do that?

    I cannot put into words how thankful I am to have found Rori and this blog. You are all a true gift. Hugs to each of you!



  18.  #18Maria on December 23, 2008 at 4:03 pm

    Rory,thank you so much.See, l thought lm strong on my own, but every step further l feel that l need to help to gain the knowledge, which “my mum didnt tell me, nor my friends”, and l was living my life with closed eyes, doing wrong path one after another, knowing if l go on like this, it will eventually end up bad. By the light of this blog lm geting to be aware of the truth and as for now my mistakes has been:

    -not creating a choises, but choosing the ones that just come around and me making myself fit in somehow…

    l wonder how lm still alive…