How To Handle Your Inner Angry Two-Year-Old

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We all feel like this – and the joy of it is to USE the energy of ALL your parts:

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  1.  #1Daria on September 24, 2013 at 7:00 am


  2.  #2Daria on September 24, 2013 at 7:24 am

    hella freaky as i was thinking about bookieman ye roll and how i was gonna powerspeech him and feelin kinda detached, and angry

    now all of a sudden POP he writes me on FB

    and at the same exact time 19 man writes me

    my two “pineys’



    now im supposed to enjoy this and maybe this is part of where i dont let love in part

  3.  #3Mel on September 24, 2013 at 7:52 am

    I am feeling like an angry two-year-old. Noticing….

  4.  #4Daria on September 24, 2013 at 8:02 am

    im asking both of them for (spirtual) energy to support my spirit work!


    i feel excited to feel their energy supporting me!… now THATS whatsup!

    looking out for Daria

  5.  #5Daria on September 24, 2013 at 8:02 am


    that feels fascinating just reading that!

  6.  #6Mel on September 24, 2013 at 8:11 am


    I feel amused writing that!

  7.  #7Daria on September 24, 2013 at 8:20 am

    im the smartest Goddess in the worlll!!!!!!

    i can feel the energy coming to me …

    mmmm 🙂

  8.  #8Daria on September 24, 2013 at 8:21 am

    Mel – heeeeeeee 🙂

  9.  #9Daria on September 24, 2013 at 8:22 am

    this feels hella betta than arguing or sulking about differences in relationshp creation

    im using Their energy!

    feels better than using MY energy to focus on helping Them too!

    because somehow it feels like if they’re focus is on helping me, they’ll automatically be helped And be under my protection

    wow freakin magic!

  10.  #10Emerson on September 24, 2013 at 9:38 am

    Hi Mel hi Daria <3
    I don't feel like an angry 2 year old, but I see some men acting that way when they don't get what they want. Haha

    I am feeling bummed that cutecityCD is not what I "imagined" him to be (someone with long term potential) but I feel great that I stood by my boundaries and staying true to what I want and need…. And that's NOT a hookup situation.

    I want a deeper connection.

    Feeling amused/annoyed/Indifferent about the dating website I joined. Literally every guy is a contractor or blue collar worker. It's very strange and interesting. I don't feel attracted at all. Especially after cutecityCD, he is highly intelligent and I found that very attractive. I found myself feeling different around him in a good way. I respect him for his talents even though it looks like things are not going to own out.

    I don't feel attracted to "uneducated" men at all and I don't feel ashamed to admit that.

  11.  #11Sophie on September 24, 2013 at 11:27 am

    I’m an angry two year old – I am so so angry and I get triggered so easily – very sad face 🙁

    I was an angry two year old right before I opened this post – I love you Rori – and then I thought yep I’m an angry two year old so I went into the kitchen and ran on the spot for a minute ha – I’m still an angry two year old though – anger coarsing through my veins – I was the most angry strong willed two year old and I still am – I need to learn to use my strong will for me not against me

    just had stupid argument with CDB – I flare up but burn out quickly unless a man retreats into his stuff I don’t like being shut out I feel afraid and get stuck in rage (or is it fear 🙂 I am currently feeling anger/sadness/???

    I wonder if I’ll EVER be able to do relationship I really really do x triggers offset triggers in each other x how does anyone negotiate this? I feel very sad 🙁 (and angry but really its just sad)

  12.  #12Sophie on September 24, 2013 at 11:50 am

    Okay 🙂 I worked it through x I feel better now x I just wrote a love letter to my angry two year old and told her that I would love her always and I would hear her emotions and still love her and I would be with her with her emotions and still love her and let her be with all her emotions and still love her and I would wait for her to get her emotions out and then we would play and play and play and everything is always okay x

    I also wrote ‘you are not responsible for his emotions, it is not your fault’ and then I wondered whether even at two I felt responsible for my dad’s emotions x it felt like a weight lifting off my shoulders writing this letter to myself.

    This is big for me I need to keep reminding myself – proactively – everytime with every person – I am not responsible for their emotions, it is not my fault

    Then…I have only my own emotions left to deal with and that’s not so hard I know how to help myself…It feels much easier, much less of a burden, much lighter…

    yay! I wish me luck with my mission – I am not responsible for anyone elses emotions – it is not my fault – I only have my own emotions to manage and I can always hold my two year old hand and everything will always be okay xxx

  13.  #13Lisa on September 24, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    WOW I’m so behind on everyone’s posts.. 🙁

    I’m really working hard at taking time away from anything men wise and focusing on getting a working car, moving my business forward, clearing my space and getting caught up… and just had my “E” 9th birthday party this weekend…

    “J” calls every night… we talk and talk, and he listens and ask questions… that feels good.. but really nothing else.. there… and he hasn’t ask me out again… but you know what… I don’t care… I’m so focused on me and getting my life back in order since “M” and I broke up 2mos. ago… and soaking up what’s left of this amazing weather…

    I’m finally settling into the fact that “M: won’t contact me again.. ( I was just hoping to have closure with him) no signs of him anywhere… that part still hurts… just b/c I want to be cared for on a deeper level than what these men give me…

    so, I really don’t care ( not in a negative way) if I have c’ds or not… or a boyfriend for that matter and I don’t care if they call or e-mail me back… just b/c I’m so busy with life… and taking care of me and my heart…my body.. my child…

    I hope to catch up soon, not sure If I can.. since I’m trying to stay off to get more done…

    but my love and my energy are there for everyone on this blog… my thoughts are with you… sending you all hugs!!!

    here is to making progress beyond my limited beliefs about ( who my 2yr old and 5 yr old thinks I can’t do) past, and moving all that into more than I imagined…


  14.  #14Cris on September 24, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    it felt horrible when one is angry just because the man in question does not call, write, etc…

  15.  #15Emerson on September 24, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    I feel more relaxed today just about everything. I feel concerned about some pending issues at work, I feel in being undervalued and treated with insensitivity sometimes. But I have a sense of peace narrowing down what I want and what I don’t want.

    Also I feel that some people are so fake, and I don’t pay them any attention. They have mom power over me.

  16.  #16Emerson on September 24, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    *They have no power over me

  17.  #17Zia on September 24, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    Thank you Rori!!

  18.  #18Daria on September 24, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    I am getting back in my power!

    Wow for asking men for energy… new inspired idea and it So worked…

    now we all benefit multiplied fold


  19.  #19Daria on September 24, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    Hi Emerson!

  20.  #20Daria on September 24, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    Im feeling healthier than the moment before and wiser than ever….

  21.  #21Lisa on September 24, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    This post doesn’t work for me.. I can’t get the play button to work… ???? I was going to hear what all the rave was… hummm???


  22.  #22Emerson on September 24, 2013 at 9:25 pm

    I can’t listen to it either Lisa. It freezes on my phone but I will check later on my laptop.
    I feel curious.
    I’m so relieved that I’ve let some things go. I don’t care about cutecityCD not fighting for me. He can drift off in the sunset… I am a sandy beach.

    Still feeling turned off by the men on my new daring site. I may have to take the plunge and do eharmony…

  23.  #23Zia on September 24, 2013 at 9:35 pm

    22 Emerson – if you sign up for this summit, there’s a bonus for all participants for an eharmony membership for $13 a month instead of the usual $50 odd

  24.  #24Zia on September 24, 2013 at 9:36 pm

    Whoops don’t know why that link didn’t paste:

  25.  #25Emerson on September 24, 2013 at 9:38 pm

    I feel kinda furious right now actually

  26.  #26Emerson on September 24, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    Oh thanks Zia!

  27.  #27Indigo on September 24, 2013 at 9:47 pm

    I have to say, I just love this advice from Rori in the latest newsletter, and I cannot believe the serendipity of how meaningful and just right for my situation it is:

    “Take Your Focus Off Of Him, And Do This…

    1. Find something really, really important to you to focus on (work, volunteering, art projects, school…) and focus on it.
    2. Schedule time to just hang out with yourself in your own home so you can learn to ENJOY your own company, tolerate your fear and loneliness when you’re with yourself, and raise your self-esteem and your Degree of Difficulty.
    3. Schedule time to get out, go places, do things on your own or with friends that are really INTERESTING – things you enjoy, that you can learn from, and that are FUN for you – AND where there are men.”

    Especially “Schedule time to just hang out with yourself in your own home so you can learn to ENJOY your own company, tolerate your fear and loneliness when you’re with yourself”.

  28.  #28Vi on September 24, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    Yay! My angry two year old feels extremely happy to be acknowledged and heard and approved of and I feel giggly for giving her that 🙂

  29.  #29Vi on September 24, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    And I will take care of both of us and of my relationships too.. hehe 🙂 It feels like my inner angry two year old just turned into a happy one!

  30.  #30Emerson on September 24, 2013 at 10:29 pm

    I’m feeling deflated. I’m all over the place tonight. Feeling disgruntled over the pool of men on the dating site I’m on. I feel tempted to just delete it now. Lol

  31.  #31Emerson on September 24, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    27 thanks indigo I like the idea of scheduling time for these things and sticking to it

  32.  #32Emerson on September 24, 2013 at 11:10 pm

    I took good care of myself today even though I felt some negative energy coming toward me from random people. It was weird.

    I went to a different area of town to do my errands and I didn’t like it. Lol I am such a creature of habit

  33.  #33Emerson on September 24, 2013 at 11:29 pm

    I know that we have control over ourselves only. I am reinventing my visions for the future. I know I will achieve what I set my mind to.

  34.  #34Zara on September 24, 2013 at 11:49 pm

  35.  #35Heart on September 25, 2013 at 1:12 am

    Hi Indigo – Sorry..I meant “D”….hehe

  36.  #36Heart on September 25, 2013 at 1:13 am

    eeling a little chilly…

    Would someone explain “The Tunnel” tool…I’m curious…

  37.  #37Zara on September 25, 2013 at 2:49 am

    Thank you Sequoia for telling us about the movie “shopgirl” 🙂
    I googled it and just watched it on you*tube. I feel moved. Lovely movie.
    If anybody is interested, paste this code in you*tube search bar : iEaxG7HBK5c
    and enjoy.


  38.  #38Waterfall on September 25, 2013 at 5:48 am

    Hi Sirens,

    Am in de-clutter mode today…

    After 6 months with my employer my contract ended abruptly the other day and I have felt quite upset and worried. I wonder what this is about?

    I am back to the same old routine of questioning whether I am ‘good enough’? I seem to be turning these questions into anger at myself once again and I feel sad and drained.

    I feel completely at the mercy of others and this scared me.

    Can I do anything to change this? Can I look inside myself to try and see this as a time for development and learning within myself. I feel scared that I will never find the answers…

    I feel lonely in my quest. I feel lacking in confidence and self esteem. Is there anything I can do about this?

    Also, I went running today and realised that if I push myself to hard I make myself miserable. I ran at a slower pace than I thought ‘acceptable’ and I tried to sit with this and say to myself that this is okay, and I don’t always have to be ‘pushing’ myself..

    And it was like I heard a voice in my head saying ‘baby steps, baby steps’…

    Do I sink into my feelings?

    Please sirens do you have any other advice for me?

  39.  #39Zia on September 25, 2013 at 5:51 am

    I am SO loving the Calling in the One workbook!! Every day has such great little tasks to do.

    I’m taking a break from actively dating until I’m finished with it. I’m ok with that. I’ve put my matchmaking membership on hold too. First time in my life I feel perfectly ok with not actively dating and that feels good 🙂

  40.  #40Waterfall on September 25, 2013 at 6:56 am

    Am feeling overwhelmed at the thought of going to interviews. I never seem to say what they want to hear…

    I feel fearful.. I wish I had confidence..

    Is there another way for me to look at this?

    At the moment I can’t seem to see it..

  41.  #41Cris on September 25, 2013 at 7:11 am

    @Waterfall… of course, you can always listen to music that encourages you!! Music can help!! Have you tried listening “THE SHOW MUST GO ON” By Queen??

  42.  #42Amanda on September 25, 2013 at 7:33 am

    Practice being grateful for what you love about your life and yourself…and don’t let any other thoughts into your head today as you go on these interviews. I find when I take the time to be grateful for everything I have that I love, I am less desperate to have things I do not have and when I am less desperate to get things (Like that great new job) I tend to perform better in stressful situations…I think more clearly and I put off a very positive view. I own my own business and I interview people a lot…that positive energy gets the job over the resume every time for me.

  43.  #43Amanda on September 25, 2013 at 7:35 am

    Waterfall…just realized you may not be actually going on interviews today…but the grateful experiment still applies. Just try it. It may help you with the worry and the stress over losing your job.

  44.  #44Waterfall on September 25, 2013 at 7:40 am

    Cris & Amanda,

    Thanks for your advice!

    Cris – your advice reminds me to have a sense of humour about myself . I love the song! I do listen to music for inspiration..

    Amanda – thanks. What you have said has shed a different perspective on my situation.

    Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

    I will try it and report back if any interviews come up for me…

  45.  #45Lisa on September 25, 2013 at 8:03 am

    @Emerson it doesn’t play on my laptop??? maybe it isn’t mountain lion compatible?

    @ Indigo…. yes! I’ve been working on that too!

    @Zia sounds like a loving thing to do… yay! <3


  46.  #46Emerson on September 25, 2013 at 8:14 am

    Sirens I hope all of you have a great day and have a sireny day!

  47.  #47Emerson on September 25, 2013 at 8:36 am

    45 haha Lisa !

    Waterfall I sometimes visualize a positive outcome of myself being successful kinda like a movie playing ….
    That helps me sometimes.
    I like what the other sirens said as well.

  48.  #48Emerson on September 25, 2013 at 9:09 am

    I’m feeling optimistic….trusting in the process that things always work out…. And we can’t always see around the corner, sometimes events occur at the last minute and we realize we should have had fairh all along and there was no need to worry….

  49.  #49Veronica on September 25, 2013 at 9:36 am

    BM messaged me saying that he wanted to message me but didn’t have anything to talk about to me. So he said that he’s just been thinking about me a lot. So that what the absence was about. But I feel so gushy happy for him that he’s opening up so wonderfully, I know that that’s important to him.

    I want to speak more openly, right from in me. Clear and simple.

    I can also see how much gets in the way of that speaking openly, my fears, assumptions, anxieties. I have to choose openness and deal with whatever obstacles pitch up.

    Dominique, I loved your article today, thank you for your voice : )

  50.  #50Indigo on September 25, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Hi Heart,

    D has issues. I have always known it, but I have always persevered with him anyway because of my deep love for him, at great cost often to myself. He battles terribly with negativity and also can be quite bad tempered and moody, and so he would overreact over little things and work himself into a terrible state which would last sometimes days and weeks. I could never tell when this was going to come on either. It was very apparent that he has a great fear of commitment and intimacy and vulnerability, and so these episodes would very often follow a particularly wonderful and close time in our relationship. I knew he loved me, but the push/pull was torment.

    After he had a complete blow up over the issue of getting together for coffee one night, and reacted so extremely, I decided to finally get the message. I said my piece to him, and inside myself I said goodbye, and I decided that I would never NEVER allow my feelings for a man to allow me to be treated like that ever again.

    I decided to stop being a victim here and to begin the journey of taking charge of how I am treated. And to start requiring the kind of good and loving treatment that a wonderful woman like myself is deserving of.

    That was 3 weeks ago, and it’s been hard, and sad for me, but I feel good and I’m proud of myself 🙂


  51.  #51mary e on September 25, 2013 at 10:25 am

    I like that angry two year old tape. I can relate. After 6 years of being together I discovered that my fiance has a porn addiction. He admitted to having done it since he was 13. I knew intuitively that something was wrong but couldn’t put my finger on what it was. Now I know and my angry two year old has been trying to get out in full force. Fortunately, I have an adorable two year old grandson, whose favorite word is “no”. I know that the best way to soothe a two year old is to get them through play. So, that is what I am going to do with my inner child. I will get her involved in playful activities that are nurturing.

  52.  #52Waterfall on September 25, 2013 at 10:27 am


    I am feeling lethargic and unable to get going. This worries me. I worry that I will put on weight and lose my fitness level, which has been good lately.

    I am in a state worrying about it and thinking that I have ‘let myself go’ and am beating myself up about it.

    I don’t seem to have any control of myself.

    How can I change this? How can I see this as a way for my to change and grow and develop new skills rather than feeling like it is all out of my control.

    I feel fearful. I feel drained and like I’m working so hard to stay the person that I want to stay. That I like being and feel happy being. But it is such hard work.

    How can I see this as a way of personal development? Why do I think that I can never change? What can shift for me? What belief am I holding on to?

    Sirens, any advice would be gratefully received..

  53.  #53Waterfall on September 25, 2013 at 10:29 am

    I feel drained…

  54.  #54Dominique on September 25, 2013 at 10:51 am

    Veronica – 49 – Thank you. I feel really happy this struck a chord, a good one.


  55.  #55Amanda on September 25, 2013 at 10:51 am

    Waterfall…Try this for me

    Stop and be grateful for what you have…Then believe you can be happy…then visualize yourself being happy. Do this every time you catch yourself thinking negatively about this situation. Just try it and see how it feel

  56.  #56Dominique on September 25, 2013 at 10:54 am

    Waterfall – How about simply feeling whatever it is you feel? even if you think you’re not supposed to feel this way. Even if it feels bad. What you resist persists. If you allow ALL of your feelings, you give them room to move around, flow on through you, make space for another feeling to come in, maybe a better feeling one.


  57.  #57Indigo on September 25, 2013 at 11:14 am


    I noticed you saying you have been beating yourself up.

    This is a sure symptom of what you describe as “hard work”.

    Let it go – Let it all go. The losing weight, the gaining fitness, the personal development, just let it ALL go. I don’t mean abandon your goals, just give yourself a rest. You feel drained, you feel tired, honour that. Then when you feel better, commit yourself to progressing in smaller goals, bite size chunks that feel very doable. Then praise yourself lots for that.

  58.  #58Millie on September 25, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    @Heart 36–

    I’ve been curious about it too!! I second the motion for Tunnel tool! Or it would be amazing if Rori wrote a post about how to use it!

  59.  #59Millie on September 25, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    I have to remember going forward how it feels to lean back and “do nothing.” It has been easier, but I still feel those impulses and hear my mind “justifying” my actions. After I lean forward, I feel bad. Not necessarily because I’m unhappy with the result, I have no control over that, but because the one thing I did have control over–my actions–I chose to “override” a man. I chose not to listen or accept him not doing anything. I MADE something happen and showed him that I wanted something from him…..I feel uncomfortable about that. I wish I could tell him I feel comfortable about that….

    I also noticed…the more I do nothing and process…that instead of propelling the feelings of longing and desire within myself by being “hung up” and leaning forward..I feel like–wow, He isn’t doing anything..and my attraction to him and for him wanes because the “relationship” and feelings need fuel. I feel them fading out, I feel myself losing desire instead of gaining it like I would if I were chasing him.
    He is becoming less desirable…..and I am feeling more powerful because- wow I can let this happen. I can let him let go….

  60.  #60Jammy85 on September 25, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    Indigo (56) – this sounds like wonderful advice for everyone. I feel happier for reading this, thank you! Xxx

  61.  #61Rori Raye on September 25, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    mary e – how brilliant!!!!! Love, Rori

  62.  #62Sophie on September 25, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    Mary E – that was exactly what I discovered for myself that the best way to distract my angry two year old was through play – my two year old is longing for more play 🙂

    waterfall – I know how that feels – it sounds like you’ve been through a change that is unsettling too but who knows what exciting new door may be opened for you?!!! I loved Cris’s comment about the music – I put ‘I have Confidence in Me!’ from the sound of music on my ipod for occasions like interviews – makes me laugh and I go into actress mode and pretend I’m someone else; someone super confident and obviously perfect for them

    I love the comments from Dominique and Indigo too – letting go of everything and just being and taking a break mmmm that feels nice

    Indigo – I love that you are super proud of yourself – you are super inspirational 🙂

  63.  #63Indigo on September 25, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    Jammy85 🙂

    I have to do that 🙂 Remind myself to take it slow. That I am perfectly ok, and it is perfectly ok.

  64.  #64Indigo on September 25, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    Aww Sophie 🙂

    Thank you x

  65.  #65Zia on September 25, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    Today is the day I let go. I feel peaceful.

  66.  #66Waterfall on September 25, 2013 at 3:48 pm


    But not doing anything seems to be making me worry more? I feel guilty if I relax…

    Plus the stuff is still there for me to do and I think it is that thT is making me feel heavey and drained..

    Wish I could switch this to feeling fun..

  67.  #67Waterfall on September 25, 2013 at 3:50 pm


    Thank you for your comment. It feels so reassuring that I am okay to be me.

  68.  #68Waterfall on September 25, 2013 at 3:52 pm


    I will so try switching the feeling from negative to happy!

    I love the idea of visualising..

  69.  #69Amazed on September 25, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    After reading many, many blog entries over the past 2 weeks and many of Rori’s articles, I can’t believe the change in myself. I feel so at peace with myself, it’s such a relief and so enlightening for me to realize that I don’t have to do anything….. I was always the chaser and it feels so good to just stop and do nothing. I am looking forward to seeing my bf after not seeing him for 3 weeks…but I am at the point where if he doesn’t contact me and ask to get together I will begin CDing and that feels good. I know I will survive and not get hung up on him. I have to concentrate on the relationship I want and not get hung up on the person! 🙂

  70.  #70Amazed on September 25, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    I’m also feeling so free of those NVs in my head…it is so peaceful in there now. 😛

  71.  #71Amazed on September 25, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    I used to try to ignore my angry 2 year old….push her down deep inside and not acknowledge her…from my past relationships I know that definitely doesn’t work! It was based out of fear, fear of not knowing what to say and how to express myself and fear of the other person’s reaction. Unknowingly made things a 100x worse. I have already made a decision that this new relationship is not going to be like this. She is going to be acknowledged and allowed to express herself. The tantrums came from not feeling worthy of being allowed to express herself. Also I agree by keeping her busy and occupied does help immensely and of course napping…. lol

  72.  #72Lisa on September 25, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    I’m crying lots tonight I’m loving it…. big realizations coming…

    Car is coming to me tomorrow what I love is that I didn’t have to DO anything other than drive it give info and negotiate and that feels good to me the car just came to me easily…

    I’m learning… that doing nothing can be good…

    I read this article as “M” has been bubbling up again… lately… still doing the work on him….

    and when I read this… I realized how selfish I’ve been…

    “When I realized that my desire for him to be happy was stronger than my own personal disappointment, I knew that I had turned a corner.”

    I knew better, I knew better!!! and yet, I did it anyways….. I lashed out.. I held it all in, b/c I didn’t know how to script things…

    but what I’m realizing now is…that Men don’t feel right around a woman that holds it all in…

    I owe him an apology… not b/c I did anything “wrong”, not to manipulate him to wanting me back.. but b/c I wasn’t in my highest integrity towards the end.. and I lashed out the last time I spoke to him when we broke up… I was hurting … I usually don’t do that… but I did….

    and I didn’t want his happiness more than my own agenda..( my own disappointment) and that isn’t love… that’s the ego wanting something…

    so my job is to love him b/c he doesn’t want me…. and I want his happiness as much as i want my own….. and be happy b/c he is happy without me….

    I don’t know if I’ll ever get a chance to speak with him again… have closure…. he what he has to say and be able to apologize to him…

    and for me apologizing doesn’t mean I was wrong, or the only one that made mistakes.. apologizing to me, is my way of showing my unconditional love for someone and living in my own integrity… it isn’t about him or any expectations around what he does with the apology…

    On thing is for sure, I’m so glad he broke up with me… b/c I have soooo grown and learned so much about myself these last 2mos and I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world… it’s perfect…


  73.  #73LM on September 25, 2013 at 6:24 pm

    I’m an angry 2 year old. I was in a toxic relationship for more than a year, and asked for a break in early August, after I bought Rori’s Complete Collection and watched Toxic Men. I listened and learned and within 2 weeks, men started noticing me. A particularly wonderful one started pursuing me and I leaned back and used feeling messages and just LOVED watching Rori’s tools WORK! The only BAD thing is… I was raped 4 years ago and I acquired Genital Herpes from that rape. I knew this man was very masculine, was turned on, and was coming on to me and that had to tell him about the H before too long. So, on our 3rd/4th (who’s counting?) date, I shared it with him. I’m on meds, and don’t have outbreaks, but he told me on our 1st (or 2nd?) date that he and his family are all germaphobes, and I KNEW it would be a dealbreaker. I tried to be upbeat as I told him, and he said things like, “I’m so sorry!” and “I REALLY REALLY like you!” and “You’re smart, and funny, and cute — not CUTE, you’re GORGEOUS!” but it’s a dealbreaker. I told him I needed him to leave, and cried as I said “I’m strong, I’m strong” but I’m not strong. He watched me enter my house and he drove away. I haven’t heard from him since, and I know that I never will again.

    In the meantime, within a month at least 5 other men have asked me out AND (drumroll), the guy I was with for year has suddenly REALLY stepped up to the plate. Rori’s tools REALLY WORK!

    My problem is: How can I get over this guy who I barely knew (less than 2 weeks?) And how can I begin to circular date without feeling like I am ruined, damaged goods? I feel like wearing a t-shirt that says, “Don’t even bother looking at me, I have Herpes” I know that I am an amazing woman, and a great catch. I have also recently learned that 1/3 of women my age have genital H, but most don’t even know it. I’m just shattered over this whole rejection experience and it makes me nervous to CD. I am not interested in any of the men who asked me out and I’m not sure how I feel about my “ex” boyfriend who is suddenly acting the perfect boyfriend and calling me “girlfriend” – I don’t WANT to be a girlfriend and I don’t even know if I want to be his WIFE, which is what he’s wanting (but cannot provide, for various, mostly financial, reasons – plus, he has cancelled on me a lot in the past and I’m not comfortable letting that happen EVER again). I am in counseling for this stuff, and am in a real place of growth. I’m almost thinking a break from ALL dating would be healthiest. I just thought I would pose this situation to all you lovely Sirens out there, because you all understand the Tools and the Rules and the Mantra, etc.

    Help. I am feeling so sad. And so mad. Whining about what happened to me, when others have lived through far worse… 2-year-olds unite!

  74.  #74Luzydel on September 25, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    I am playing with fire!

  75.  #75Lisa on September 25, 2013 at 8:06 pm

    Crap! more tears more realizations…

    it’s good and then it’s not…

    da%m it….

    It’s been 2mos and I’m suppose to be getting over this and moving on…

    and what is happening is that I’m seeing more and more my mistakes ( not really mistakes )

    I read this: “So, I know what some of you are thinking: “If I let go of trying to get what I want in relationship then I will never have it.” But why would unilaterally staying open to someone—loving them and setting them totally free from your own expectations and judgments—make a positive, functional or long term relationship any less likely?”

    and now I’m missing him more… I realize that I couldn’t let go of what I wanted from him, from the relationship.. da%m…

    Missing him more isn’t what is really going to be good for me… wishing I could talk it out with him… crap!


    it’s all good..


  76.  #76Heart on September 25, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    Indigo – oh my…I’m sorry to read that…your heart must be aching from time to time. Sending love your way.

  77.  #77Heart on September 25, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    Millie – I know right! Oh sirens….pretend Millie and I are your friends and we’re talking on the phone and we’re asking about The tunnel tool….(and we’re crying and pining and rolling around heart-broken)….Millie, I’m trying lol…

  78.  #78Heart on September 25, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    Lisa – I know this might be bad advice….but well
    I’m Ms Lean back and do nada …..and it’s good and helps you heal but it takes too long…like months.

    Maybe reaching out and acting a little crazy is Part of the process? I don’t know…For me, the Stay On You Horse way is very healing But It takes too long….and you need to battle with yourself.

    I would encourage you to take five days and just focus on Yourself and do fun thing…and then call M.

    Don’t apologise, don’t talk about the relationship Yet.
    Just open the door….ask how he’s doing etc etc.

    If he is missing you too …he should be happy

  79.  #79Millie on September 25, 2013 at 9:25 pm

    I’m feeling frustrated at the moment.
    I’m feeling frustrated because I feel needy. My friend’s comment to me–“only a needy girl would ask that” really struck me to take a look at myself and ask–AM I needy? Right now I feel like the answer is yes and this is why….

    I REALLY want to go to this show that is playing tmrw. I’ve gone to events alone before and been fine, but it is so much easier with a friend. I’ve asked several to go with me and they all have a reason for saying no. I feel needy because I want someone to go with me. I want to be out and about practicing on my vibe and smiling at men. I feel like if I don’t go to the show I’d be missing out. I’m debating going alone…

    I also feel needy because I like the way it feel when guys show interest in me….If it feels good I want more. They seem to stop calling relatively early…or maybe I am just focusing on a select few and not paying mind to the ones that did keep calling….. I feel like I’m saying “please” instead of “maybe.” Spark CD was giving me attention every day…that is something I never have, believe it or not. Now…I haven’t heard from him and I feel needy because I miss his attention. I feel sarcastic because in my head I said from the beginning- this won’t last, it never does. I got the feeling he is actively dating other women, so I feel like I faded into the background somewhere.

  80.  #80Millie on September 25, 2013 at 9:31 pm

    I had an interesting conversation with an Italian friend last night. She and her guy friend were discussing how American women are so different from Italian women. That in Italy the women are SO hard to get that it creates this dynamic where the men have to be very aggressive and actively chase women to get them. In contrast, when the Italian guy came here to the states, he said the women here are so easy and sometimes vulger. He says women text him for booty calls which really turns him off. I thought it was so interesting because I do feel like I’ve heard a lot of guys in my generation say they don’t chase women. I see now the relationship of what women do and how men act. How chasing men can really do us all a disservice because it teaches men they don’t have to do anything and it teaches women that they do. My female Italian friend says she feels so different when she’s in Italy. She never feels insecure, she has men showing her attention ALL the time that she never doubts she’s attractive or wanted. It gives her power and she also says she feels super feminine there whereas in the U.S she feels like she has to be tough with an attitude towards men of “I don’t need you.” For her she feels a large difference in herself, even in how she dresses. I i’ve been listening to Targeting also…that I don’t want to be “easy” anymore. I don’t want to support men doing nothing.

  81.  #81Indigo on September 25, 2013 at 9:39 pm


    My heart aches all the time, but it’s ok, it really is.

    Thank you so much for the love 🙂 xxx

  82.  #82Indigo on September 25, 2013 at 9:41 pm

    Millie 79,

    YES. Brava

    Me too.

  83.  #83Indigo on September 25, 2013 at 9:46 pm



    Re: getting over things and moving on. I know this feeling, and I’ve decided it takes as long as it takes.

    It is ok for me to progress a little bit each day, as long as I’m not going backwards. I have tried to make peace with doing things at my own pace, including recovering… and this may mean that I never fully get over it, and it may mean that I always feel this love for him. But I am focusing on making my life good, little by little, and focusing and giving my energy and attention to things that are important to me.


  84.  #84Emerson on September 25, 2013 at 9:58 pm

    Luzydel what are you up to? I feel muchas curious …

  85.  #85Tereana on September 25, 2013 at 10:03 pm

    Oh my. I just wrote a long amazing post that got lost…

  86.  #86Tereana on September 25, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    I saw the most beautiful man tonight. The most beautiful. So beautiful I could cry.

    And I didn’t talk to him.


  87.  #87Emerson on September 25, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    79 Millie I love this.
    It is so interesting to read.
    Ah wow I really feel like we got so much (well intentioned) “bad” information growing up in the 80’s and 90’s to be an aggressive modern liberated woman. So confusing.

  88.  #88Tereana on September 25, 2013 at 10:27 pm

    He looked at me. Looked right at me and smiled. I smiled back. We were talking to other people.

    Later on, I had a chance to interact, and I didn’t. I froze. Froze! Right there on the spot. I stood there and watched, like an idiot. And one point, I felt like a creepy stalker, so I walked away. When I finally got my courage up and decided to just introduce myself while he was talking to someone I knew, and made my way over to him, he was gone. He left. Whoosh! Out the door. Just like that. But more silent. And more silently gone.

    Oh…and all because I was stuck in my insecure middle-school self, who just couldn’t believe that a man that beautiful would be interested in me. And that’s so stupid. So stupid!

    There I was, a perfectly beautiful (gorgeous, even! I looked hot!) woman, who is confident and sure of herself. And yet I didn’t feel it. I didn’t live it. I didn’t act on it.

    Subconscious, why are you trying to sabotage me – again! And why are you succeeding! This is such bullsh*t. I really don’t need this anymore.

    Twelve-year-old me, you’ve had your day. You’ve had your chance, you’ve done your thing. Time to let me step out of that tight, constructing skin. Time to break yourself open and let me out. Let me flourish. Let me BELIEVE. That I am worthy of these men that I find beautiful. Because they find me to be more beautiful than I could ever know. Time to let me KNOW that I am worthy, WITHOUT QUESTION of anything I need and desire. Time to let me understand that I am not just okay, I am amazing and astounding and filled with possibilities. And I can be compensated handsomely for my perfectly legitimate skills and talents and accomplishments.

    It is no longer necessary to wallow in the murky puddle of “I’m not enough.” I do not need to put myself down in order for others to raise me up. I can simply be at my own level and others will rise to meet me.

    I sincerely hope that I might have the chance to meet him again. There are other days in the week. He might become of the models. With any luck I’ll be dressing him for a runway show. And wouldn’t that be fun? 😉

    I’ve grown a lot through this experience. I am grateful for my frightened, frozen on the spot, insecure 12-year-old self. I’ve learned a lot from her tonight. And now it’s time for me to move on toward fresher waters.

    I DO deserve the best, and I CAN have what I want

  89.  #89Emerson on September 25, 2013 at 10:28 pm

    Hi tereana

  90.  #90Tereana on September 25, 2013 at 10:28 pm

    He looked at me. Looked right at me and smiled. I smiled back. We were talking to other people.

    Later on, I had a chance to interact, and I didn’t. I froze. Froze! Right there on the spot. I stood there and watched, like an idiot. And one point, I felt like a creepy stalker, so I walked away. When I finally got my courage up and decided to just introduce myself while he was talking to someone I knew, and made my way over to him, he was gone. He left. Whoosh! Out the door. Just like that. But more silent. And more silently gone.

    Oh…and all because I was stuck in my insecure middle-school self, who just couldn’t believe that a man that beautiful would be interested in me. And that’s so stupid. So stupid!

    There I was, a perfectly beautiful (gorgeous, even! I looked hot!) woman, who is confident and sure of herself. And yet I didn’t feel it. I didn’t live it. I didn’t act on it.

    Subconscious, why are you trying to sabotage me – again! And why are you succeeding! This is such bullsh*t. I really don’t need this anymore.

    Twelve-year-old me, you’ve had your day. You’ve had your chance, you’ve done your thing. Time to let me step out of that tight, constructing skin. Time to break yourself open and let me out. Let me flourish. Let me BELIEVE. That I am worthy of these men that I find beautiful. Because they find me to be more beautiful than I could ever know. Time to let me KNOW that I am worthy, WITHOUT QUESTION of anything I need and desire. Time to let me understand that I am not just okay, I am amazing and astounding and filled with possibilities. And I can be compensated handsomely for my perfectly legitimate skills and talents and accomplishments.

    It is no longer necessary to wallow in the murky puddle of “I’m not enough.” I do not need to put myself down in order for others to raise me up. I can simply be at my own level and others will rise to meet me.

    I sincerely hope that I might have the chance to meet him again. There are other days in the week. He might be one of the models. With any luck I’ll be dressing him for a runway show. And wouldn’t that be fun? 😉

    I’ve grown a lot through this experience. I am grateful for my frightened, frozen on the spot, insecure 12-year-old self. I’ve learned a lot from her tonight. And now it’s time for me to move on toward fresher waters.

    I DO deserve the best, and I CAN have what I want

  91.  #91Emerson on September 25, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    Tereana you did fine. He could have approached you too. You were sireny sounds like to me, leaned back and smiled! It’s ok. Never too late. Not your last chance. In the meantime I’m jealous you got some yummy eye candy :))

  92.  #92Tereana on September 25, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    Hi Emerson!! 🙂

    Oops double post…

  93.  #93Tereana on September 25, 2013 at 10:54 pm

    Teeheehee 🙂 yeah, he was SUPER yummy lol

    Oh my g-d I loved his hat

    And you are SO right. He could have talked to me, too.

    Maybe he was feeling like an insecure middle school guy, too?

    Whoa. Mind blown…

    Anyway, yeah. There might be another chance.

    I think I’m getting a sore throat. Making some tea.. Taking care of my sexy self

  94.  #94Tereana on September 25, 2013 at 10:59 pm

    I’m having this mental fantasy of me walking up to him, looking him in the eye, and without saying a word, just taking his hat off slowly and putting it on my head and letting a slow smile soread across my face… Mm, yeah, that’s my famale p*rn fantasy…lol

  95.  #95Emerson on September 25, 2013 at 11:05 pm

    Hugs to me. ((Emerson))

  96.  #96Emerson on September 25, 2013 at 11:07 pm

    (((Sexy guy in hat)))

    I has to hug myself cuz I started beating up on myself about something. Don’t want to do that. Hugs instead.

  97.  #97Emerson on September 25, 2013 at 11:09 pm

    Sometimes I have do many things going on in my head I can’t think of everything. I think of solutions what feels like too late….
    I think of ways to reply to things that are more voting for me…
    And I guess it’s just a learning process…

  98.  #98Tereana on September 25, 2013 at 11:21 pm

    Time for a dance break!

  99.  #99Tereana on September 26, 2013 at 12:28 am

    Yay hugs!! (((Emerson)))

    Hugging yourself is totally okay in my book.

    I love that you hugged my guy in a hat : )

  100.  #100Tereana on September 26, 2013 at 12:31 am

    And thank you!

    I just realized I think I have a thing for a guy wearing a nice hat. When I first met VB in the club, a little over a year ago now? Or more, I guess… Anyway, he was wearing a very flattering hat. I don’t know, it just does something for their profile, and makes them so attractive to me…

    (And btw, I do *not* mean a baseball hat. Lol. I’m talking a real hat. Like a little fedora or something. So nice…)

  101.  #101Tereana on September 26, 2013 at 12:33 am

    In fact, I’m going to take a page out of your book:


  102.  #102Waterfall on September 26, 2013 at 3:09 am

    I am sitting working and the sun is streaming in through my window..

    I am wondering, feeling negative seems to be such a part of my make up. Why?

    I used to be positive, but I have been stung so many times that I have learnt not to trust myself. Now I find it impossible to trust my instinct.

    Whenever I am convinced something has gone right, then it inevitably has gone wrong. It scares me, and it seems to be every time.

    This in turn has made me feel vulnerable and ridiculously naive…

  103.  #103Femininewoman on September 26, 2013 at 7:20 am

    Yayy Amazed

  104.  #104Shar Lean Way Back on September 26, 2013 at 7:58 am

    Lisa, @ 72 Rori says not to go for closure. To put them on the back of your horse, stay on the bridge and keep riding.

    Millie @ 79 LIKE ! I feel this is true of the dynamics between the sexes here. Of coarse there are always exceptions. And it can be hard to out girl todays man. I wonder if the dynamics will change back in future generations.

  105.  #105Joy on September 26, 2013 at 9:36 am

    Hi Sirens! I am new here and want some advice / support. Leaning back is SO new for me!

    Do we really not reach out to the guys we are dating at all? We really only RESPOND?

    I have one CDabs lol whom I met online. Very short back and forth, which I prefer. I like to take things out into the real world ASAP rather than build up a fantasy by going back-and-forth via e-mail.

    So, he quickly got my number and texted me to set up a date for three days later. I heard nothing from him until I got a quick confirm text the afternoon of our date. Went on a wonderful date that evening, had a great time.

    At the end he hugged me (I’m used to every guy trying to kiss me!) and said he would like to meet up again, if I would. I said I would.

    Later that night, he texted saying the same thing basically, that he had a great time, let’s meet up again sometime. I texted back that I would like that and it felt good spending time with him.

    The date and this latest text exchange happened Monday. No nothing from him since and it’s Thursday morning.

    The “old” me is thinking this guy is waiting for me to reach out with a light text just to show him that I’m really interested. But the new “siren” me is thinking, “Do I really want a guy who needs to be coddled and encouraged like that?”

    Is it normal and OK for guys to go radio silent between dates except for the texts / calls they make when setting up the dates?

    Is it normal and OK for me not to reach out and text this guy who has not yet set up our actual second date?

    I mean, I said I would like to hang out again when I responded to him, so ball’s in his court, right? If he needs more encouragement than that, or is just not that into me, then it’s best to let him weed himself out, right?

    This is just so confusing because I’m either dating the guys who text so much that it’s annoying and I kind of lose attraction toward them … or I date the guys like CDabs who are radio silent between dates.

    I actually really think I like the latter better — I’d rather save our communication for dates. But I don’t like the feeling of being unsure about how much he likes me, and I don’t like wondering whether I am not “showing” enough interest, and he will ditch me for some woman who shows more.

    I know this as long and rambling, but any insight would be much appreciated.

  106.  #106Liquid Light on September 26, 2013 at 11:10 am


    I love a man in a fedora too! It makes them look so dignified and handsome!

  107.  #107Lisa on September 26, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    @ Indigo your right.. it takes time and it’s a process… and I am already making my life better and happier… Thanks!; <3 and Big hugs to you in your process!

    @Shar lean Way Back Oh ok! well then I'll keep going on… that's what I'm doing… I just got off my horse for awhile and for some reason wanted closure… <3 Thanks!!!

  108.  #108Turquoise on September 26, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    Hi Sirens, my love life seems to be on the back burner. A couple guys I’m chatting with online, keep in touch, but haven’t asked me out. One new guy keeps saying he’s so interested in meeting. But he works nights and weekends… So not much time there, a 23 year old is emailing me, wants to flirt… I blush just thinking about it. I’m. 39! I feel very bored with the men popping up, which feels easy then to no nothing. Anyone have anything new that’s hot and juicy?

  109.  #109redbutterfly on September 26, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    So funny this blog post is here today! I was just thinking about how to approach something that happened yesterday and how crabby I am about it and how I don’t like feeling that way but I feel too scared to bring it up.

  110.  #110Amanda on September 26, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    I have a question for you Sirens…
    I’m cding and had a date with CDelec last night. He’s been around for awhile and is a very sweet guy, just not typically my type (Are you reading Emerson, he is a blue collar type) And whereas I do enjoy his company, I just don’t know if it’s going to lead anywhere on my end. Anyway I realized on our date last night…(I cooked dinner) that he was very affectionate and just a super caring guy without being overbearing. He is an amazing kisser btw. We sat on my patio and watched TV and talked and snuggled and I felt so warm and comfortable with him…and even a llittle attracted to him. But again, like I said, I’m at the point where I’m fairly certain this may be all I feel for him. So is this what CDing is supposed to be like or am I leading him on? I was thinking last night, that I’m learning from him how I want to feel around Mr. Right and how to get myself comfortable relaxing and being me around a guy. I like the feelings I am having around him and I’m trying to understand how to have those feelings and be that relaxed around a guy I am really attracted to. He’s been txting me the sweetest things all day and I had so much fun with him…and even though I’m 70% sure that I don’t want to be with him long term, I’m open to the fact that maybe there is a chance Is that ok? Is that the purpose of CD? Or should I move on…(I am seeing other people…just no one special at the moment and he has not asked about or discussed exclusivity at all)

  111.  #111Amanda on September 26, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    Regarding my post #108
    I think I’m feeling a bit guilty because I think this is what the last CD did to me. I think he was leading me on until a girl he really liked came along because he was so into me and then just dumped me and within 10 day had changed his facebook profile pic to them snuggling. I know how much that hurt me and I don’t want to do that to this guy. I guess I’m thinking that what hurt the most was that he was begging me to be exclusive and really going overboard with planning our future then just disappeared. So maybe I’m not doing the same thing to CDelec. I am not leading him on or pushing him for more and I’ll make the promise to myself that if I meet someone else I will not be standing him up and dumping him via txt.

  112.  #112Millie on September 26, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    @Shar 103– Yes! I hope if I have a daughter I can teach her what I’ve learned. “Out Girl” a man…I love that! Next time I feel like leaning forward after a man I will say to myself- the challenge here is to “out-girl” him hahahah

  113.  #113Millie on September 26, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    I’m thinking of trying another one of rori’s programs–does anyone have comments or feedback on “love scripts,” “toxic men” or “committment blueprint?” I’m not sure which one I should try…..

  114.  #114Amanda on September 26, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    I’m thinking today that Cding is really about learning things along the way. I had heard that but never really heard it. I was so used to feeling like every guy needed to be Mr. Right or I had to get rid of him as soon as possible. Even with the CDex that really hurt me, I learned that I put way too much stock into what a guy says. It was a lesson I needed. I know what my triggers are a little better now and I know what to do to avoid leaving my heart unprotected that early. I didn’t like the way I had to learn that lesson and since as they say, you can’t prove a negative, I will probably never know the future pains that learning this lesson will help me avoid. But I am sure there is some reason I needed to know this about myself. And for that I am grateful

  115.  #115Millie on September 26, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    Amanda–I like your last comment about making a promise to yourself that you will treat his feelings with care if/when the time comes to let him go. Your experience sounds very positive with him, but I can relate to you not feeling “into” him. For me, I feel like my radar is very off. I seem to be attracted to men that aren’t a match for me….so if I were in a position like yours I would feel curious to see if I completely let go of what I thought I knew…If I stopped measuring my feelings for him and stopped putting a mental limit of where it can go… maybe I would be surprised…

    But on the other hand–If you don’t feel it–you don’t feel it….?

    Is siren Andrea still out there?? I miss reading her posts.

  116.  #116Shar Lean Way Back on September 26, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    Amanda, I’m pretty sure Rori has addressed that before. And I think she would say you are not responsible for him. But I’m not clear on that and like you, I would hate to hurt a nice guy. On the other hand he hasn’t asked to be exclusive so maybe wait for that before you make a decision. Or you could always tell him how you feel.
    I have fun, I like you but I don’t see us as long term. It’s all practice is something I know Rori would say 🙂 and keep cding.

  117.  #117redbutterfly on September 26, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    The blog inspired me to tell the widower that I was bothered that he left my house last night after I wanted him to stay and went and hung out at a bar and ran into one of my friends that I don’t trust and basically hung out with her all night. It wasn’t his fault and he didn’t know she was there but I felt like the bar was a priority over me. And that those hours that he spent with her should have gone to me. He responded that he felt guilty all night long and wishes he would have just gone home and going to the bar is more fun with me. Then he said, “I am knocking off work early to come mow your lawn so we can go biking together.”

    I am really working on being open and honest with my feelings with him. I feel so bitchy and petty when I do bring things up so it’s hard but it always seems to make me feel better!

  118.  #118redbutterfly on September 26, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    Might be a duplicate post because I don’t think the blog likes the b word. 🙂

    The post inspired me to tell the widower that I was bothered that he left my house last night after I wanted him to stay and went and hung out at a bar and ran into one of my friends that I don’t trust and basically hung out with her all night. It wasn’t his fault and he didn’t know she was there but I felt like the bar was a priority over me. And that those hours that he spent with her should have gone to me. He responded that he felt guilty all night long and wishes he would have just gone home and going to the bar is more fun with me. Then he said, “I am knocking off work early to come mow your lawn so we can go biking together.”

    I am really working on being open and honest with my feelings with him. I feel so petty when I do bring things up so it’s hard but it always seems to make me feel better!

  119.  #119Amanda on September 26, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    thanks Millie and Shar…
    I think you’ve said what i was thinking. It’s not like he’s not getting anything out of this himself…LOL…my Chili is pretty darn good, And if he wants to be exclusive, I can discuss this with him at that point. And yeah, I guess I hadn’t thought that perhaps I am dismissing him a bit too early. I’ll try to keep a more open heart and mind. And maybe we are both in each other’s lives for a reason. But either way, I feel good knowing that I am not trying to hurt him and would do whatever I can to prevent that.

  120.  #120Amanda on September 26, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    115 redbutterful
    Yup this blog does not like the b word or any other slang but it usually posts the post after it has been moderated

  121.  #121Emerson on September 26, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    For a while this morning I was feeling piney piney piney!!! Now better.

  122.  #122Emerson on September 26, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    I don’t see men wearing fedoras that often tereana. But now I will be on the lookout :-))

    I feel unapproachable. I don’t want to be that way. I feel prickly and shy all at the same time. Maybe I will practice being soft and open. I did smile at a cute Indian guy this morning on the way to work at the coffee house. He did a double take but I for shy and only did 2 second smile haha

  123.  #123Emerson on September 26, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    Part of becoming soft and open is by being kind and friendly to ALL men…
    It changes my vibe…
    I don’t feel that now. But I can shift it and shed this prickly feeling.

  124.  #124Amazed on September 26, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    Amanda, you will be surprised I think by CDelec…you just need to concentrate and enjoy how you feel around him and don’t overanalyze….I understand how you feel because I felt that way as well in the past and you can drive yourself crazy by all the what ifs… Remember Dominique’s story…. true love grows, it doesn’t happen right away. 🙂

  125.  #125Lilybelly on September 26, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    It’s been a while since I have been by to see everyone but before I catch up, I want to let you all know that last night, Harley guy proposed.

    I am officially engaged and getting married next summer.

    He even asked my Dad for permission.

    THIS is what it feels like to be treated well.

    For those of you who are with me on FB, mums the word until we fill everyone in this weekend.



  126.  #126Daria on September 26, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    just realized my last sex patna came 5 times in 15 min…

    whoa i got good!

    feels hot warm tingling power

  127.  #127Amanda on September 26, 2013 at 4:41 pm

    Congratulations. Thanks for posting. Sending you best warm wishes and thanks for reminding us that it does work sometimes. Actually more than we think. Best of luck to you

  128.  #128Amanda on September 26, 2013 at 4:50 pm

    Amazed 121
    Wow…yeah…I have been thinking that. A mature man doesn’t rush into such a huge commitment…too bad Hollywood movies don’t reflect that. 🙂 And a mature woman shouldn’t either. It should be rare and it can be a slow process (at least in my opinion) And it is possible that the things about him that are holding me back are completely superficial and completely irrelevant. My ex from a few years ago was a tall attractive very successful man. We were together 5 yrs and had a horrible break up while my father was in Hospice no less…We had to remain friends because we own a business together and we have developed a true friendship in the past four years. But I have No Feelings for him whatsoever. If you told me that four years ago I would have called you crazy. Point is that the from him I have learned that I was superficially attracted to him and made the decision to waste five years of my life based on some very ridiculous ideals. Maybe it’s time I gave the awkward guy a true chance. Thanks for reminding me of that. I really hadn’t thought of this that way. And to be honest…maybe it’s not this particular awkward guy, but I’m going to pay a little more attention to them when they come along

  129.  #129Liquid Light on September 26, 2013 at 5:21 pm

    Congratulations, Lillybelly, that is great news and very inspiring!

  130.  #130Zia on September 26, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    I’m feeling strong today. Grounded. Secure.

  131.  #131Vi on September 26, 2013 at 6:05 pm

    I notice my mind is searching for proofs that what had happened, happened for the best.. Can I let myself be so trustful to life that I wouldn’t need any proofs and the fact itself that it’s happened would be enough? What am I trying to hide behind these questions? Sadness… I’m gripping the shirt of the past.. It feels like ache in my heart, I can feel guilt too.. I feel guilty and bad for abandoning myself in the past. I love my guilt, I love my achey feelings, I love my heart. I feel ashamed to put people on the back of my horse and feel warm feelings towards them, I feel ashamed of not hating them. I love my guilt, I love my warm feelings, I love my not hating and accepting side. There is a voice that tells me it’s ‘wrong’, almost cheating. I love that voice, I hear it and appreciate it and I am in charge. It wants closure, it wants me to abandone them, it wants ‘once and for all’. And that’s okay. I love it, and I am in charge. Grief is under those thoughts seeking to prove that what happened was for the best. I don’t want to feel grief it would mean my life is not perfect. What if it is not so?.. Okay I give myself permission to tap gradually into grief . I feel afraid I will lose myself there and once I’m there, there won ‘t be a way back.. I feel scared. I love my fear. I feel curious about it too and it feels sort of good. I love my curiosity.

  132.  #132Dominique on September 26, 2013 at 6:19 pm

    Amanda – I published this last week. It may help.


  133.  #133Femininewoman on September 26, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    Heyah Lilybelly congrats

  134.  #134Dominique on September 26, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    Lilybelly – Though I already know thanks to your lovely message this morning, I want to say YAY!!! again. <3


  135.  #135Emerson on September 26, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    I’m feeling lonely and piney alternating with feeling ok and just letting myself sink ino the feelings

  136.  #136Zia on September 26, 2013 at 7:02 pm

    Sirens, I would love your feedback with this. I still feel tied to my ex. We are on friendly terms and we communicate from time to time and it’s all very friendly and good.

    I still feel love for him. And sometimes I feel very strongly for him – its a tenderness. Now, I’m not blocking out the bad things about what happened between us, but I know that he has a good heart.

    I can’t work out if what I am feeling really is love for him, or whether its my fear of moving on to someone new protecting me or keeping me tied to him. Wanting to stay tied to him because its “safe”. I kinda thought that after working on myself and learning all the lessons that I have learned, he’d disappear but he hasn’t.

    How do I work this out? Does it even matter? I ask this, because a good man came along on that girls night. He was attentive, lovely, kind, sweet, and I did my best to be open and vulnerable and just stand there and receive what he was offering. But it got too overwhelming and I pulled back. I don’t particularly want to see him or go on a date with him and it feels a little like fear when I even consider it.

    Would love to hear your feedback ladies. With my ex I feel safe, even though we’re just friends. And I’ve made the decision to let him go and it feels good (in that I won’t reach out to him or initiate contact with him or chase him). But he’s the one I feel safest being open with when he does get in touch.

    I also don’t feel ready to date, and part of that when I prod around is because I am afraid. I have decided to hold off on actively dating while I do this “calling in the one” 7 week course and that feels like the right decision for me at the moment.

  137.  #137Zia on September 26, 2013 at 7:04 pm

    Also I know the feeling of safe is purely because he is familiar etc…. but I just can’t quite work out if that’s what it is primarily or if it really is love too. Feeling confused! But a curious kind of confused, not a hurt or piney or needy confused. I feel like its important to make that distinction 🙂

  138.  #138Millie on September 26, 2013 at 7:52 pm

    I know this isn’t the best mentality to have…but I’m wondering when guys “poof” or rather you don’t hear from them for a week (what feels like really long) If there’s a chance they still might come around…..
    I know this thought is not good for me or my vibe, but I can’t help wanting it and thinking it.

  139.  #139Vi on September 26, 2013 at 8:23 pm

    Zia I hear you! This is something I recently felt pretty intense and moved about… And – one of the lessons I got from CDing is that there is enough room for many men in my heart… Yes sometimes I notice I feel guilty and ashamed of having tender feelings towards my exes and/or CDs even those I’m just friends with – it’s quite a challenge for my horse! My upbringing was pretty strict and I was told to have just one in my heart and put all the pressure and intensity right on him 🙂 . So, this new approach is really stretching the back of my horse and it’s really stretching me – emotionally 🙂 and that’s okay. I also feel happy my heart muscle is getting bigger and feel capable to accommodate more and more good people and good feelings in it… it feels really healthy and nourishing.. So – I wouldn’t try to ‘work’ anything out unless someone actually claims me.. I’d actually add even more CDs (not necessarily romantic ones) into my mix instead 🙂

  140.  #140Zia on September 26, 2013 at 8:24 pm

    Vi – thank you for the feedback 🙂
    You are right, I need to keep CDing and opening my heart to many men and get used to feeling good around the ones that feel good. It doesn’t have to lead anywhere!!

  141.  #141Luzydel on September 26, 2013 at 8:45 pm

    So I have two guys lol Captain and SD, today had car issues and I texted them both… SD call right away to check on me but captain came straight from work to help out… When SD asked if I was ok I said a friend was coming over to help out, and he said, You know I’ve could have gone there to help if noone did. I said yeah I know thanks… I am not sue but I think SD misplaced my wheel lock when cleaning my car. But since I am not sure I won’t blame him. Now captain is texting me saying how beautiful I look and that he cant stop thinking about me… I feel bad a little, I am kinda dating these two men… at the same time and I can’t help feeling guilty.

  142.  #142Indigo on September 26, 2013 at 9:45 pm


    I think what Vi said to you was really good.

    I am in a similar position and have similar feelings to you – for me though the grief is still a bit too near and I cannot imagine letting anyone else into my heart. BUT I can very much imagine friends, and this feels comforting at the moment. I don’t force myself to feel anything for any guy that I meet, but I just practice being the kind of woman I want to be.

    For me, this is also a good time to focus on things that are important to me in my life – I feel it’s a call from my inner being to do that. Make a change career-wise, study, find my passions again. I know that is an area where I very much need myself at the moment. I believe the love part will happen in its perfect timing.

  143.  #143Emerson on September 26, 2013 at 9:45 pm

    Maybe my phone is not updating but I don’t see a message from Lillybelly can someone tell me what post number it is

  144.  #144Emerson on September 26, 2013 at 9:47 pm

    I feel kinda sad that I’m not talking to cutecityCD anymore. I’m feeling so tempted to text him

  145.  #145Zia on September 26, 2013 at 9:50 pm

    Indigo – sounds like we’re in similar positions 🙂 I’ve actually applied to go back to studying next year for a complete career change. To be honest I feel like with that, and looking after my son, and working, i hardly have time to date anyway!! I’d like to be open to dating, but I just don’t feel I can right now. At least I am doing things for me which feels good 🙂

  146.  #146Emerson on September 26, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    Alot of what’s coming up for me right now is shame. I feel shame about my situation in life I really could use some support. My job has had alot of highs and lows lately. It’s taking a toll on me.

  147.  #147Emerson on September 26, 2013 at 10:42 pm

    142 Zia that is great good for you going back to school!

  148.  #148Emerson on September 26, 2013 at 11:43 pm

    Sirens thank you for this blog and for being here.

  149.  #149Veronica on September 27, 2013 at 12:32 am

    Indigo – 139 – Thank you for writing this, it helps me to keep oriented to what is important:
    I just practice being the kind of woman I want to be.

  150.  #150Zia on September 27, 2013 at 12:32 am

    Emerson – love to you x

  151.  #151Veronica on September 27, 2013 at 12:34 am

    I feel scared of the men who want to meet me. I feel scared that they might want to hurt me, not emotionally but physically. I want my boy to make it safe for me, I can sense all the plans he’s making to make it safe for me.

    I feel conflicted about listing one my interests as sensuality – some men seem to confuse that with s3x, and although it’s connected in really beautiful ways, it doesn’t mean that I want that with the men I’m talking to online. I’m scared that that might be why they’re wanting to meet me. Ha ha maybe I should put ‘theories of sensuality’

    – and I’m having such déjà vu with this post – I’m sure I’ve posted this already a while ago. Feeling shaky.

    I feel so aroused by masculine energy. I worry that I’ll be too easily swayed and land up doing something that is not good for me long term. I probe underneath that anxiety and realize that I actually enjoy being aroused and flirting with the idea of being swayed, that there’s so much to explore. I trust myself to explore and be exceptionally good to myself. I’m a bit of a hedonist when it comes to food and s3x, and while I like that about myself, I don’t want to be open about that. I’d rather have that energy coursing in me and under what I do and say when I’m out and about. I don’t mean innuendos or anything like that, I mean not even showing anything of that pleasure that I like, just having that energy in me. I want my s3xuality to be connected to my femininity; I want my language to be of what is deep within me.

  152.  #152Waterfall on September 27, 2013 at 3:36 am

    Yay! Go me 🙂

    Am feeling a light butterfly feeling in my stomach…

    It feels like summer is here all over again..

    I feel anger at myself for not being able to control my work situation.. I need to sit with these feelings and comfort myself..

    Do I acknowledge these feelings? Do I ignore them..

    Feeling such a mixture of emotions..

    Do I patiently wait? Do I go out there and aggressively sell my self?

    Hmm… what do I do? I have so many choices and options I feel over whelmed..

    Wish I could get a handle on some focus and direction about what I want in my life..

  153.  #153Waterfall on September 27, 2013 at 3:43 am

    Sorry to blurt everything out here..

  154.  #154Jammy85 on September 27, 2013 at 6:02 am

    Just had a bolt from the blue….

    My ‘D’ has told me he wants to make things right. That giving up drinking 100% just feels impossible to him but he will keep it to social occasions only (ie no more getting drunk at home alone & taking out his musings on me if I’m there with him). He has told me he is serious about me and wants to spend his life with me & have a family together. He feels frustrated that we cannot afford to live together yet, let alone fund a wedding or kids…..he loves me so much & I am his core….what keeps him going through tough days at work etc etc etc

    To cap this speech off, he asked me if I was free tonight ( said yes) he told me to pack an overnight bag as he’s booked us into a hotel in one of the cities I wanted to go to on our ill fated week off together…..

    This feels fantastic, but I am still a little cautious that the drinking may creep back into play in a few weeks/months…how do I use feeling messages to keep it at bay without nagging???

    Namaste xx

  155.  #155Jammy85 on September 27, 2013 at 6:03 am

    Waterfall, don’t be sorry…….this is what this blog is all about 😉 xxx

  156.  #156Dominique on September 27, 2013 at 6:07 am

    Jammy – 151 – You can’t. This is for him to deal with or not. And you get to choose every step of the way.


  157.  #157T-Girl on September 27, 2013 at 7:22 am

    Omg Lillybelly! Congrats! So how did he propose?

  158.  #158Femininewoman on September 27, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Jammy he is saying the right things. Are you able to trust yourself?

  159.  #159Jammy85 on September 27, 2013 at 8:16 am

    FW – I feel like a whole new level of strength has bestowed me……I don’t feel compelled to go in either direction. I don’t feel I need to please anyone that isn’t me. This is a whole new level of understanding in any of my relationships, romantic or otherwise. I feel peaceful in going with the flow. I feel aligned with what’s in my heart and totally aware/ready if I need to jump onto a different track or if I’m being lured off my bridge. I feel like me and not a great big ball of anxiety. Possibly for the first time in a decade. It feels strange but good.

    Unless……There is anything I’m fatally missing that’s gunna slap me in the face when I least expect it? I want to know how that sounds to you, ’cause there is a tiny bit of caution there still……


  160.  #160Femininewoman on September 27, 2013 at 8:34 am

    The caution is likely your fears and doubts trying to protect you. There is nothing wrong with that. It is something to be aware of.

  161.  #161Emerson on September 27, 2013 at 9:20 am

    Sirens I feel good that I’ve almost completely cut sugar from my diet!

  162.  #162Millie on September 27, 2013 at 10:59 am

    Wow Jammy–That sounds like an amazing speech he gave you! I’m so happy to hear you are feeling peaceful and strong. I agree that a little caution is good awareness. xo

  163.  #163Millie on September 27, 2013 at 11:00 am

    I feel unloveable today.

  164.  #164Lemonbutter on September 27, 2013 at 11:08 am

    I feel angry….and sad, and very much like stamping my feet.

  165.  #165Daria on September 27, 2013 at 11:45 am

    wow Congratulations Lilybelly!

  166.  #166Amanda on September 27, 2013 at 6:51 pm

    Emerson…Reading your posts…cutecityCD poofed and now you are experiencing some odd feelings. Do you typically beat yourself up after a relationship falters? I do this. And I now know it is a pattern. Feeling good about myself when I have a guy…feeling bad about myself when I don’t. Can you recognize this as just some sort of trick your mind is playing on you right now. And if there are things in your life you want to change…make those changes with or without a guy in your life. Oh who knows…I’m just thinking out loud Te He. Thought I would post to say, I hear you and I’m wishing you well.

  167.  #167Amanda on September 27, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    I think I’m getting the point of this circle dating. Realizing I have so many and no one is standing out so no on in particular can affect my day or how I feel. My sister asked about one today and wanted to know when the last time was that I heard from him and I couldn’t remember. Now if I was focused on just one guy you can better your bottom dollar I would know EXACTLY when he last contacted me. Love this concept. It’s Friday night and I’m home prepping for a chili cook off tomorrow and I’m getting calls and txts non stop. I finally turned the darn thing off.

  168.  #168Millie on September 28, 2013 at 12:26 am

    Amanda–how many guys are you dating?

  169.  #169mary on September 28, 2013 at 5:25 am

    rori pleasee help me i accussed my bf of cheating on me as he was working over time and now its been a week and he still wont talk to me and now we r sleeping in different rooms he wants me to move out but i love him so much

  170.  #170Patsy on September 28, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    I have been married 33years.All I have got is nothing.He has only got me a card for every occasion .never has he bought me anything ,He has had affairs after affairs.And has other kids from other women.I have stayed in this marriage my hole life.We are not even friends.Why do I fill I don’t desever any better?I am a pretty lady that can get many dates,Why do I stay?I don’t love him.

  171.  #171Rori Raye on September 30, 2013 at 7:29 am

    LM, Welcome – and getting hung up on a man we barely know is just a repeat of how we interpreted “love” from way back in our lives. Also, So much of the population has herpes and so many other STD’s there are even dating sites that feature it. The feeling of “pining” is so often stronger than the feeling of “love that grows” – what it takes is practice and experience and a desire to be in a great relationship rather than with a particular man who makes you feel a certain way. Love, Rori

  172.  #172Rori Raye on September 30, 2013 at 7:33 am

    Joy – a man who doesn’t want to kiss you, who says “let’s meet up again sometime” instead of “can I see you again? How about next Thursday?” is not interested in what you’re interested in. Contacting him is NOT a satisfying solution. The Satisfying Solution is to do NOTHING. If he can’t show his interest NOW – he never will. If it’s circumstantial for him, he’ll contact you later. You were already the last message. DON’T be a CHASER!!! Love, Rori

  173.  #173Rori Raye on September 30, 2013 at 7:46 am

    mary – please, please read the ebook and get some help. “Accusing” anyone of anything becomes a habitual way of thinking and feeling, and then of reacting and speaking. I cannot believe this was the ONLY, one time this ever happened. It makes your “vibe” unattractive, nearly repellant, because, needing to feel TRUSTED is a crucial requirement for a man to be in a relationship. If he doesn’t think you trust him (and he’s actually trustworthy) – he’ll immediately lose interest. There’s a way to fix this fast, and to communicate your insecurities and fears in a way that will endear him to you, rather than repel him….if you’d like to try some free coaching with my Trainees, write – AND – you need to work with the book first, otherwise you won’t get as much out of your sessions. Love, Rori

  174.  #174Rori Raye on September 30, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Patsy – The only thing to ever ask yourself is “Why am I here,” and the only answer I can even guess is that you’re afraid of life without him. You’re like an animal used to being in a cage. Your terror at leaving the cage, and stepping into an unimaginable world, is way stronger than your disappointment and unhappiness inside the cage. Again, I suggest coaching, and I can offer you free coaching with my Trainees through November. Write for the referral list. Love, Rori

  175.  #175Amanda on September 30, 2013 at 8:31 am

    Rori #171
    I loved this ”’getting hung up on a man we barely know is just a repeat of how we interpreted “love” from way back in our lives.”’

    Maybe you could do a post about this or direct me where in your videos you might discuss this. I think with all the dating sites out there, this early hang up stuff can be a big problem for me and I’m sure other women. I would love to explore why we could possible become so attached so quickly. And I think the fall out from these situations really drags me backwards in my progress besides being a ridiculous waste of my precious time. I find I carry some feelings of being ‘less than’ into the next few months after one of these guys and that energy is no fun at all. I’d love to understand this thinking more as I think it applies to me and a lot of other women I’ve been reading about on this blog

  176.  #176Amanda on September 30, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Mille #168
    Ummm…To be honest the number changes a lot lately. RIght now I’m talking to about 4 guys and two of which I’ve been on dates with. They other two are new and we’ve not set up a date yet. But then over the weekend another two popped up that I’m sort of interested in.
    One is getting more serious as he’s been around the longest but I still want to keep dating other people and getting to understand myself and how I feel. I’m getting better…but always room for practice.

  177.  #177Amanda on September 30, 2013 at 9:44 am

    So speaking of giving the ‘awkward guy’ a chance which I’ve read about a lot here and on Dominique’s blog…I’ve been doing just that. So many of you sirens were responding to my sotryline with CDelec that I felt compelled to take my focus of the CDex and try being more open to CDelec. I discovered a couple things. I’ve been so ‘in control’ around guys that I was very hard to get to know and I was never showing my feminine side for fear of looking foolish and or getting hurt. Well I didn’t realize how this really affected guys I was dating and how that made them uncomfortable around me and we couldn’t build a connection or a bond. I realized, I wasn’t truly protecting my heart because I was still getting hurt and still wasn’t getting the connection I wanted.
    So anyway, I had another date with CDelec last week and it was amazing and whereas I don’t know where this is leading I wanted to share a txt I got from him this morning after we talked about me canceling so much over the last few months (While I was not being a siren and focusing on a bad CD) and he mentioned how he noticed my energy shift a bit on the last date

    CDelec: To drive the nail home…… I told u about the way something clicked
    weds night. It was an eye opener. U know that feeling u get when
    someone makes ur belly tingle just by looking at them? That warmth
    that a look or smile can give u inside ? With that and a fantastic
    conversation last night….. u know when a great connection is made.
    … what it feels like to b excited about someone special. Thats y a
    few cancellations don’t seem to matter so much any more!

    I think when I read that I realized how much my energy was damaging my previous relationships…when I finally opened up, not only did he, but my heart changed a bit towards him.
    Who knows what all this means…but it was a nice lesson for me.

  178.  #178Liquid Light on September 30, 2013 at 11:24 am

    wow, amanda, that sounds great!!!!

  179.  #179flower on October 1, 2013 at 1:50 am

    Hi all!
    i cant deal with that voice,it drives me crazy even though i accept him and tell him that he has no power,i dont want to stay alone with myself because of it, i really dont know how to deal with him,i know that as long as i will not accept that voice being part of myself i will not love myself and i will stuck in the same place.
    what do you do when it is in control in order to stop him?

  180.  #180Diana on October 22, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Okay so here is where I am at, not sure how to post about this, but what I am looking for someone out there to relate and if you are been there and have moved your Goddess to the #1 space I would appreciate your advice. So here it is.. ME

    Who is running my LIFE in order?: The addict, the monster, the little girl and the goddess..AND I wonder why I am NOT happy.. hmmm
    If you met me, you would never know, I may look like a normal girl but I am an addict.. not for pleasure but to temporarily relieve the pain and emptiness in my soul. My addict looks and acts just like a homeless dog, she has no home, she just runs from person to person, try to get some attention, some love, some food, she just wants to belong, but no one wants her because she is desperate and needy. Sure sometimes people feed it, but usually it’s the people that want something from her. My addict only knows how to be used, so I draw in and attract to people who can do what they wish with me and could careless, better known as takers. The addict settles for this because it knows every once in awhile it may get pet or fed, but disappointment and loneliness sets in when it realizes the food and attention given wasn’t out of love but out of a need the taker has to get or out of simple convenience.
    Oh sure, my addict self can hold out for a long time before it needs a fix, I am use to digesting my food slowly not knowing where my next fill is going to come from. I am use to fending for attention patiencely knowing that it will have to come sooner or later, so I wait. While I am waiting I wonder what’s so wrong with me, I don’t understand why I am so hard to love and want, I try and I try to get just a little fill, I shout from the inside: “Just look at me and smile” and “Just touch me in a loving way” and sometimes my efforts work but most of the time I feel empty much longer than I feel full, yet I still hope that the next person will be different, that they will see that I am lovable and loyal, that I would make a great pet. Ironically I pick the same owners with different names, Yup that’s right, that’s what they are, my owners. I have given complete power of myself to them, If they beat me, I wonder what I did wrong or analyze how I can be different so they won’t get mad or reject me. It’s sad you see and that’s why I reject her as well, all of us do. So she never gets love…ever.. but she doesn’t give up.

    I see now that all she really wants is to give me love, acceptance and attention, she wants me to belong, she wants me to have family. She is not to blame, she just doesn’t know how else to get it for me, the fact that she has never given up on me shows you her heart – its time I loved her enough to show her she’s not alone and nothing is wrong with her.

    This bitch is no one’s friend, she doesn’t have any and believe me she doesn’t want any. The Monster looks like something from the exorcist, she has cuts and wounds all over her and she likes them because they keep people away, she walks hunched over, she acts as if she has no fear of anyone or anything, in fact she is the one to fear. When she looks at you her glare is so intense that it could cut glass. The monster is hard to even look at, she makes you feel uncomfortable just being in her presence, everything about her is ugly. She likes to be left alone, she doesn’t want visitors, EVER! She knows how to hate, in fact she hates everyone that makes her feel anything. Her main goal in life is to be left ALONE and she will do everything in her power to make you go away. She likes to hurt, she has an eye for an eye mentality and can’t wait to make someone pay if she’s pushed, that’s how she gets her fill, she wants to give people what they deserve, she is the ultimate judger with no coconscious, she believes people get what they deserve and compassion is a joke to her, just leave her alone and she won’t mess with you, that’s her mentality. BACK OFF or else!
    This girl is the one who has taken all my abuse, she knows what darkness is and she remembers every act of abuse against her. She knows what people can be made of, because she has experienced it all too well first hand. I don’t let her out at all, I am scared of her and what she will do, she wants her own twisted version of justice so I feel as if I have to keep her locked up. Since she is so powerful she comes out passive aggressively by controlling and pushes people away. She is how I learned to put up walls all around me so I can protect myself from others.

    She is precious free and mischievous, she doesn’t understand why anyone would want anything bad to happen in this world and she doesn’t spend her time thinking about it. She loves jumping on beds and exploring, she loves to hang out with other kids, she feels safe around them. She doesn’t care much for adults, they are too serious and have too many rules for her taste. Nothing is that big of a deal to her, she just wants to run around and have fun, she has long blonde hair and an innocent smile, she looks like she is always dancing, even when she’s standing still which you won’t find her doing too often. She doesn’t understand the monster and the addict, why does life have to be so heavy, she never wants to grow up, she wants to stay free forever.
    This girl is very special to me, she knows loves, she knows joy and she knows freedom. The rules of society and the responsibilities of like don’t allow her out much and she wishes she could run free more than I let her, I love her but don’t trust her because she is very naïve, she doesn’t understand life but she loves to live it. She can easily be taken advantage of and I want to protect her, I don’t want to taint her perspective on life, I want her to see it as beautiful always.

    She is incredible, everything attracts to her yet she is attached to nothing, not because she is not open but because she allows all things to flow in and out of her freely. It’s not just how she looks that draws her to you, it’s everything, she is immersed in the beauty and things that feel good. She doesn’t need to judge things that don’t meet her needs or obtain anything, she simple gravitates towards what feels good, which automatically pulls her away from what feels bad.
    On the rare occasion that I can tap into this presence I feel light, I feel intense, I feel convicted, I feel passion.. Passion for life, Passion for love, passion for complete abandon of myself to the feeling of joy and freedom. This girl is so hard to reach for me because as you can see she has so much standing in the way, this is who I want to rule me, this is who I put in charge.

  181.  #181Rori Raye on October 23, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    Diana, I’m so glad this accidentally landed in moderation – I want to post it as a blog post…okay? Love, rori