How To Keep Your Power When You’re WITH Him

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heartinhandsIf you’re feeling confused about how “much” to do in your relationship with your man – so that you are warm and loving without OverGiving – Here’s an exchange with one of my clients, Diana, that will be very helpful.

“Hi Rori,
I have not been able to find a nice place to live so I asked John if I could live with him until I can find a place. I barely said it and he was saying yes. He did not hesitate at all. So, after all of this back and forth for 2 months I am going to live with him…at least for a while. I am putting a lot of stuff in storage so it is just temporary. Anyway, I was so happy he said yes because I have not found a place that felt good to me. Now today, I am starting to get scared.

How do I keep leaning back if I am with him all of the time? It is so easy when we aren’t together but now I won’t be able to do the same things. He won’t have to make an effort to see me. That maybe worries me more than anything. It seems like it will be easy now for him and I don’t think he acts right when things are easy. Don’t all of these things get harder when you live with someone?

I know you help women who are married so I should be able to keep things good while living with him but I am unsure how to do it. Also, I don’t want to get too wrapped up in him. I don’t want to lose myself again. Ugh! Please help! Thanks!! Diana”

Here’s my answer to the first question:

Actually, Diana – this is a lot like what happened to me with my husband. I lost my roommate, and it seemed logical for him to move in – and then I felt trapped sort of –but I was able to make it work because he really wanted me. Let’s see what happens. Let’s see how much he wants you.

Just make this time with him heaven on earth, easy-going, be “Miss Whatever” and FOCUS on YOU!!! Love, Rori

And Diana followed up:

“Thanks Rori! I have a question. What do you mean by saying be “Miss Whatever”? Do you just mean being easy going? I doubt you mean to do whatever he wants or act like I don’t care but I need to qualify this.

Also, I was reading one of your newsletters and it says to never initiate sex. Do you just mean that when you are trying to get things on the right track? I mean it must be ok once in a while when things are pretty good or is that incorrect?

Things are pretty good so far. I am focusing on myself and being watchful of doing too much for him. It’s a little hard in that when you are with someone you are supposed to be there for each other and help each other out. I just get so worried I will do more than I should and then that will be leaning forward. What I have been doing is not offering and just doing when he asks and when it works for me. I fight with myself on what is being too nice and leaning forward.

Anyway, I am doing better all of the time so that’s good. He has been very loving to me lately too. Thanks again for all of your help! Love, Diana”

And here’s my answer to all this…it’s like we’re getting from “theory” into all the possible scenarios:

Diana – just get this word in your head – RESPOND. If he wants to talk with you, listen, be there.

Initiating sex for a woman is simply wearing something soft and sexy, and smiling warmly while FEELING sexy. Once you get how this works energetically, you won’t wonder if and when…it will feel more organic to respond and you’ll feel the difference between responding and overfunctioning.

Also – if he ASKS you to do something – DO IT. That’s a direction, instruction. If it’s okay with you to do it, do it. That’s following. Trust me – your equality as a person will show up in how amazing your BUSINESS is, and how independent you instinctively are. You don’t need to do more than that. In terms of the relationship, “Miss Whatever” means easy-going, following along…no agenda. Love, Rori

Okay…now there are some big points here that need lots of time to go through, and I’ll just list them here and then branch into a bunch of other posts around all of this…

1. Miss Whatever

2. LeaningBack as Responding and What Responding looks like that is NOT initiating, Overfunctioning, Giving, controlling, having an agenda…

3. How your power as a PERSON works together with your VULNERABILITY and availability as a WOMAN. How they are NOT different sides of you – they are part of the entire SCALE of you – from bass to treble…

Let me know your specific questions about these points, and I’ll incorporate them into the posts…

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Chanel on June 15, 2009 at 12:14 pm

    “Miss Whatever” does confuse me. I thought if something doesn’t feel right, we’re not supposed to pretend it does. We’re supposed to express our feelings.

  2.  #2Daria on June 15, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    Chanel – we are… that’s not what Ms. Whatever means.

    Ms. Whatever is relaxed, and goes along with whatever feels good, and when something doesn’t feel good, she relaxedly says.. .ohh that doesn’t feel good.

  3.  #3Aldonza on June 15, 2009 at 1:55 pm

    I’m not sure I agree with the “never initiate sex” thing. I mean, if I feel like initiating, why can’t I? Maybe I don’t want to put on something soft and fluffy and wait for him to notice. Maybe I want to push him up against the wall and grab what I want.

    Or is that just a tad too male energy? LOL!

    Strangely enough, I haven’t had many complaints. And I’m equally content the other way, leaning back and letting him take the reins.

  4.  #4Wyndee on June 15, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    Rori, I am so glad you addressed this topic! A few months ago my fiance moved in with me and since then we have been fighting and arguing weekly. This is up from maybe 4-5 arguments in whole 2 years we have been together. He insists this is the way it is, for everybody, and it is no big deal but I feel so upset and stressed about our fights. My instinct is to leave when a fight starts which makes him very angry.

    I do not like fighting and in my opinion he flies off the handle and acts babyish (stomps, slams doors, etc)

    I truly do not want to live with weekly arguments, but I can’t seem to get out of this pattern we are in.

  5.  #5ann on June 15, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    reading from mobile

  6.  #6Chanel on June 15, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    Thanks Daria, that makes more sense.

    That’s also very hard to do. Just this weekend I was on a date and I wasn’t feeling good because I had taken some Zyrtec D. I did kind of mention that “I wasn’t my usual self”, but I kept going along with the date as if I was ok and trying to be cheerful.

    I should have stopped pretending and explained that I wasn’t feeling good–but this never occurred to me until after the date, lol!

  7.  #7Jody on June 15, 2009 at 9:40 pm

    Im sitting here wondering if i will ever be that relaxed to be miss whatever. Right now my emotions all over the place. I have men interested in me, and I’m forcing myself to date, and I’m trying to be open, and feel what I feel, do what feels right. But right now I just want to tell “k” that I miss him, I want him, and Im miserable without him. But I know he will run further away, and that feels scarey. Im afraid, I’m so afraid.

  8.  #8Nikita on June 15, 2009 at 10:12 pm

    Mmmmm……I feel like a rubics cube, I feel angry that I don’t feel good about how to spell rubix cube….I feel angry at the cube! I colorful, I feel jumbled up. I feel sexy in my pink flowery sheer silk sleepy thing, I feel aroused. I feel responsive and open in my hot pink sleepy silk thing. I feel caressed. My skin feels a constant gauzy kiss. I receive much initiating in my silky hot pink gauze. If I don’t feel responsive, if I feel my thighs staying closed, I only wear my pink gauzy kiss when I am alone. I feel very comfy in my silk thing. My sheer silk is very inviting. I feel naked with a hot pink membrane between myself and atmosphere.
    I feel like I’m leaning foward if I initiate lovemaking. I feel like I’m chasing the force(the male member). I feel good letting the force chase me around the house. I feel overwhelmed if the force chases me too much. I feel the force, lurking, planning, strategizing, I feel hunted by the force. I feel powerful. I feel chased, desired. I feel like giving away more sheer hot pink silky sleep things. I feel like shopping and touching fabric. I feel distracted-ooops,……………

  9.  #9JasonSavage on June 15, 2009 at 10:21 pm

    “Initiating sex for a woman is simply wearing something soft and sexy, and smiling warmly while FEELING sexy.”

    This is beautifully articulated. The sublties and nuances of feminie radiance — being love and light and happiness — will a put a man in the mood every time.

    Then, you can lean back and trust his imaginitive lead.

    This energetic dance of action and response is what I call mutual pursuit.

    Mutual pursuit lead to lustful sex and not obligatory sex.

    Obligatory sex is done out of a sense of duty, responsibility, or any hidden agenda.

    Lustful sex comes from raw, mutual attraction and arousal. You crave this person, yearn for him, long for him. You have an intese eagerness and enthusiasm to unite.

    So you play the dance. The energies come together with balance because they are complimentary.

    If you are not inviting him by projecting warmth, sexual confidence, and feminine radiance, he will either take action out of a sense of obligation, or the desire will dissolve completely.

    Jason Savage

  10.  #10Nikita on June 15, 2009 at 10:31 pm

    Ohhhh, yeah- I feel scared of my hot pink silk power, I feel big, I feel seductive. I feel mistaken. My power feels awkward. It feels too big for me. It feels like it’s outside of me where everyone can see it, even though only one other person is there. I feel transparent. I feel overwhelmed with my own power. I feel a penetrating gaze. I feel like the gaze is trying to figure out how to get inside of me. I feel the gaze, penetrating, calculating, reaching. I feel seen. After I feel seen, I feel worshipped, seduced, I feel the gaze working. Working for me. Working to please me. Haha! The c*ck is bribing me!!!!!!!!!

  11.  #11Nikita on June 15, 2009 at 11:28 pm

    I feel obvious when I’m covered in sheer silk. I feel brave, bold, I feel courageous. I feel like I’m saying something even though I’ve said nothing. I feel like one big sheer hot pink, Hello:) with sheer flowers. Orange and purple flowers all over my sheer pink. I feel beautiful and soft. I feel touchable, approachable, inviting. I feel accessable. I feel still like a lotus. I feel serene in silk. I feel sumptuous. I feel like pink champagne in a flute. Bubbly and tickly on the nose. I feel open. I feel like being touched and discovered. I feel relaxed, whole, content. I feel my breathing. I feel full of honey.transluscent slow pink honey. Vibrant.

  12.  #12Jody on June 15, 2009 at 11:35 pm


    How beautiful, romantic, and truely inspiring your take is on femmine sexuality. I can only hope someday that someone will gaze at me with such lovely thoughts.


  13.  #13Nikita on June 15, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    I feel a slow surrendering.

  14.  #14Tina on June 15, 2009 at 11:58 pm

    Watching movies together naked always does it for me. We never seem to get to the end, it takes us about four days or so to see a movie on dvd – its kinda cool.

  15.  #15Jody on June 15, 2009 at 11:59 pm

    I feel soft, warm, inviting, but yet I feel so sad, so lonely, so afraid and so fraigile. I imagine being held by the man in my dreams, feeling secure, safe, loved and pure joy. i want learn to be vulnerable, open allowing a man to take the lead, and I want to follow, to feel wrapped in warmth, adored, and taken care of. I wish to feel the pure joy, and pleasure of letting go, to feel safe to recieve without giving. just to feel safe, and loved.

  16.  #16Tina on June 16, 2009 at 12:11 am

    We do this every night, most times we just kiss without moving/sometimes moving our lips and breathing each each others breath for however long we feel – doing whatever comes next. For me its not so much what im wearing, because in the end were wearing nothing anyway.

  17.  #17Tina on June 16, 2009 at 12:34 am

    I like to wear wraps or dresses at home , I feel comfortable. I joke about wearing underwear only when I leave the house – its true sometimes I dont wear a bra or panties lol. I travel commando when I go to places such as the post office, store, coffee drive thru – you know. For example tonight I was out until 2am planting my tomatoes – im finished I feel happy – I saw no point in me wearing bra and panties. I feel to wear granny panties – nice granny panties. Im on the hunt for a tiel colored bra to go with my brown summer dress – matching panties of course lol. Do you really think I should get some sexy lingerie?.

  18.  #18Mercedes on June 16, 2009 at 6:31 am

    JasonSavage: I love how you word your comments. I wish you would comment on the post “How to accept a gift – even when you think it’s too big”. I know how my man feels about it, but I’d love to hear another guy’s take. I think the two of you are very different so I’m guessing you’d both have views we could learn from.

    Much Love,

  19.  #19DocK on June 16, 2009 at 6:37 am

    He came to the door. I am wearing an outfit I love. The bottoms are like “bloomers,” literally, little bit puffy with a ruffle at the bottom. The top is soft bras top with black bow. Both pieces are white with soft hand to the fabric. It is comfortable but cute and sexy at the same time and I feel cute and sexy and flirty and girly. I love feeling like this, makes me feel like playing and dancing.

    He tastes the new wine I got from the wine tasting. He raves about the wine. He says I look adorable. He kisses me. I melt. I pull back, drink wine. He grabs me and kisses me again. I melt. I walk away. he follows. I sit on sofa. He pulls me on his lap. Kisses me. I melt. I walk away so he can see me. He gets up and follows me around.

    this, to me, is initiating without initiating.

    I love dress up. I have a picture of me at 2 yrs old wearing a puffy skirt, my mother’s high heels and big hat. I love this picture and it makes my throat tight and tears well up. I have this expression in the picture like the world revolves around me and is the saftest place. I love this little girl. I still love to dress up. Bring all sorts of outfits to my pole class. Love to wear outfits for my guys (but more for me and how I feel wearing them).

    but like Tina says, they all come off eventually. : )

  20.  #20Rori Raye on June 16, 2009 at 10:56 am

    Thank you for this, Jason. It’s SO totally where it’s at…and the part we’re working on here is the warmth, sexual confidence, and feminine radiance. It’s hard to do when you’re feeling tense, angry, resentful and insecure – and that’s where embracing yourself, loving yourself, feeling your feelings all work in baby steps to strip away that armor we paste over all those icky feelings and sensations. Rori

  21.  #21Rori Raye on June 16, 2009 at 10:59 am

    Wyndee – Feeling Messages and all the Tools around it will stop the fight pattern. Just practice. Love, Rori

  22.  #22Rori Raye on June 16, 2009 at 11:03 am

    Aldonza – I don’t know you, and I don’t know what you want and where you’re at. The “not initiating” is not a “life choice” – it’s a PRACTICE. It’s practice in RECEIVING. It’s WAY easier to initiate than it is to receive. Sometimes pushing him up against the wall is a spontaneous, passionate RESPONSE to HIS initiating…experiment. Practice. Love, Rori

  23.  #23tinque on June 16, 2009 at 12:01 pm

    Now I’m confused, and this is my specialty.
    Yes, when making love, he takes the lead, and I love this. It always feels right at usually the right time and if not, it turns out great anyway.
    But I also love to initiate and by that I mean lighting candles in the bedroom and waiting in the bed or at the door for him to come home from work, masturbating, as an example. Or indicating the bedroom with a tilt of my head. I’m often turned down for this one or put on hold for later which doesn’t bother me as it used to since I do get plenty.
    So is this too much?
    Would it be better if I backed off for awhile, see what he does, even if it means we only have sex two or three times that week? Feel and think sex instead which I do all the time anyway, maybe with more focus and intention?
    And another thing, and this might be a question for Jason, as much as I turn him, and I know I do, for it’s obvious in his demeanor as well as his words, he SEEMS to prefer “warming up” looking at internet porn. It’s not every time, but it’s a couple of times a week maybe. Sometimes this makes me feel bad, as if I’m not enough of a visual all by myself, yet his enthusiasm belies this thus the confusion on my part.
    My man is older, late forties, and he’s told me that his peepee is not as active as when in his twenties obviously or even in his thirties, but from my perspective, “he” is quite playful, ready and willing most of the time. Maybe the extra stimulation from the pictures helps?
    Any input would be appreciated, from anyone.

  24.  #24DocK on June 16, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    Hi Tinque

    One Valentine’s Day, I had no one to spend it with. I made it my day anway. I worked out (love that), got a massage. took myself to dinner. Went home and put on the prettiest lingerie, lit candles, put on music, had a glass of wine, and, when I looked out the window it had started snowing. I felt adored, pampered and luscious.

    I guess what I am saying is I would still light candles, drink wine, wear something I love and feel sexy in and do all of this – for me – and if he wants to join in the party – fine, if not, fine too. I don’t feel that this is leaning forward or initiating because I do all of this all the time – for me -whether or not someone is coming over.

    In terms of porn, from man’s point of view, can let one of the Jason’s take it on.

    I like porn. Not soft porn like men think women like but really out there – because all soft porn does is show the woman nude head to toe and not all of the male body parts I love. I watch it alone, even if I’m seeing a really sexy guy (and my LI is gorgeous) and, I feel somewhat primed even though I don’t need it to get that way. speeds it up a little though.

    I know that I have a decent body from working out all these years but watching it actually helped me feel better about my body. Not all of these women are perfect. Some have cellulite, stretch marks, bruises, weird boob jobs, whatever. I now feel less self-conscious in bright light or daylight being looked at from every angle (hope not too much TMI). I don’t like girl on girl – does nothing for me and I get bored so fast forward over that but I have seen boy on boy and I like that – I know not for everyone but the more beautiful male bodies I can see the better.

  25.  #25Nikita on June 16, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    I feel grateful Jason’s peepee is not as active as it was in his younger years. I feel afraid that Tinque would feel sore 🙂 exercise is great for blood circulation. I don’t feel like 3 times a week is too little.

  26.  #26Nikita on June 16, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    Oh! Sorry Jason is not Tinque’s man!!!! Sorry Jason, I am not speculating about your peepee! I feel bad that that I didn’t understand 🙁

  27.  #27Mercedes on June 16, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    Tinque: I like to initiate too. I don’t know how Rori feels about it, but if I want to get some, I don’t like the thought of simply putting something soft on and waiting. My bf and I sleep naked. I’m direct. If I want some and it looks like he’s going to sleep, I’ll lay on top of him naked and say “I’ll just sleep here tonight…on your side of the bed” (and that makes me giggle and makes him kiss me). Naked me on naked him does not get rejected…but…it’s not exactly leaning back either. Oops…lol.

    As far as porn goes, I don’t really know what to tell you. My guy likes it too (usually we watch it together but he likes it alone as well). For some reason it doesn’t bother me (and I think it’s because he doesn’t hide it from me…I’m aware and he’s honest). I think we can tell the difference between a guy who enjoys it and a guy who is addicted to it (and I REALLY think with your expertise, you’d know if something was wrong…sounds like that’s not a concern at all). I guess the way I see it, sometimes I masterbate. That doesn’t mean he isn’t enough for me, I just like it…I enjoy myself. This is what porn is for him. But…that being said, I can’t really tell you to push away the bad feelings…they’re yours and they’re real. I don’t believe in ever pretending to feel something we don’t or not feel something we do feel.

    So for porn…I have no idea. For initiating sex…I do it too (only in a way more direct manner than you, so I probably need more coaching than you do here…lol).

    Ok…so I’m no help. But…I liked writing this.

    Much Love,

  28.  #28tinque on June 16, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    Nikita you’re funny. I’m chuckling. Four is my ideal, but three is okay, five is awesome.
    DocK – I love your comments, insightful. It makes me feel that we (men and women) really aren’t so different after all. Women are conditioned to, I don’t know, maybe reject their bodies sexually or at least repress, suppress their urges which maybe aren’t as intense as a man’s but are there nonetheless.
    I entered a whole new world of exploration and discovery of my seemingly limitless bounty of sexual sensations and feelings in the last few years. It’s so much fun, feels better than anything, and it seems as though there’s still more to uncover the more release, let go, open my self, my heart, be vulnerable, so key.
    I’m new to porn though and only started to look at it because I found that my man did, so in an attempt to “understand” and ease the feelings of “not good enough” I tried it. I do like it actually but still feel some guilt around that. I also find myself comparing myself to some of the women I see and even though I’m not young, I still have a tight, tiny, ballerina body, and the boobies are still perky, but it’s hard to get away from the thoughts that the “others” are all younger, prettier blah, blah, blah. This is where I get stuck sometimes. And I kind of worry about getting even older. How on earth will I still be sexy then?

  29.  #29DocK on June 16, 2009 at 1:03 pm

    Mercedes – way to go!! I have enjoyed waking up my past lovers in particular ways that have nothing to do with leaning back but are definitely initiating and so much fun (for me too). I guess if I felt it was not well-received (not likely) or was shifting something relationship-wise, I would lean back and go for soft approach.

    I know that Rori encourages experimenting. I think my rock star chick is a little more forward when it comes to some sexual stuff. I like a guy that can handle it. : )

    Weird thing with porn – doesn’t bother me as much as general over-abundance of eye candy since that is always just for men and I feel porn has lots for me to enjoy. I am very visual and don’t like being ignored (yeesh that felt a little “fatal attraction-ish”) and I feel that most of the eye candy for men is a lot LESS real than what I see in porn and is so airbrushed and photo shopped that no real woman can compare. That’s when my insecurities get the best of me and I feel inadequate.

  30.  #30tinque on June 16, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    Mercedes- Your comment came in while I was writing my last post.
    On the contrary, your input is enormously helpful. You see hearing from women like you who are NOT bothered by their man’s “looking” and still feel hugely wanted and sexy etc. helps me to know that it’s really not a threat at all which man man tells me all the time. And it’s not that I don’t feel wanted and sexy, it’s just that sometimes it makes me feel bad.
    I realize that it’s old stuff being triggered that has nothing to so with porn and that porn was presented to me as an opportunity to heal, and I also realize that every time I peel back another layer, those icky feelings along with the thoughts creep in, so getting reassurance and reinforcement from you is so great. Thank you
    By the way, I like your idea of laying on top of your guy (we sleep naked too) to initiate. I’m going to try that. It may not work. I think I exhaust him what with my seemingly constant horniness. LOL

  31.  #31DocK on June 16, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    Tinque – I have no idea how you are (and you don’t have to tell) but I’ll tell – I am going to be 49 soon. I dress the way I want to no matter what anyone thinks. I take pole dancing classes and I can do tricks that the women half my age can’t do because they don’t have my strength. I did a Lyrical dance workshop and the youngsters mouths dropped when they found out my age. Yesterday, had day off – went to gym and did a cardio dance class and then did weight training. Went back later and did cardio dance again.

    When I was in my 20’s I heard how a woman starts to be “over the hill” as she hits 30. I feel arrogant and conceited saying this – I get hit on as much today as when I was, literally, half my age. I don’t feel any difference. Maybe the percentages have shifted – now smaller percentage guys in 20s, still a lot in 30s and 40s and up. I realize that it will change some day but it is a lot longer off than you think.

    (My mom is in her 80s and still has guys in their 50s and 60s coming on to her and she flirts all the time – she is SO cute!)

  32.  #32Linmayu on June 16, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    Wow! Reading the posts on this thread, I started to feel all kinds of turned on. I want so badly to dress in the sexiest soft, flowing things and just be seen. I feel so amazing when I do that–and I never let myself do it anymore! I feel guilty about it. I feel judged when I dress the way I would like to dress. I feel afraid that people will think I’m too extravagant and too full of myself, and stop liking me.

    Sex the way Jason describes it feels so fucking amazing. I’ve only experienced it once; it came as a complete surprise, and I’ll never forget it. I want to experience it again. Oh I want so badly to feel that again. I’m holding back tears, thinking that I’ll never feel it again, because how can I? And now the tears have dissolved into this low-grade ickiness that I feel. I feel a Nasty Voice taking all my feelings and stuffing them into brown paper packages and tying them with string, saying in such a sugary-sweet voice, “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it for you, now you can go to work and give the impression there’s nothing wrong with you.”

    Ugh. I feel disappointed. I felt like I was on my way to something great-feeling and then it was snatched away from me. This happens so often. I feel frustrated, like something hot trying to pop out through my third eye. I feel annoyed that I’m so not deep and so not alluring to a man. Sigh.

  33.  #33Mercedes on June 16, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    Tinque: Nah…looking is natural. We don’t blind our men to other women…they don’t blind us to other men. Sometimes it’s healthy to get a little turned on by someone else (especially if it’s an out of reach porn star). The way I see it, if a guy knows he hasn’t “lost it” meaning he can still feel sexual when a hot body is in the room (or on the tv or computer) then it helps keep him secure. Lots of men kind of like that sort of barbarian mentality (knowing they can be “free” and bang anyone they want) and when they commit to us, they need ways to still feel that way. Those of us who have men who get that excitement from porn are much luckier than those who have men who get it from dangerous flirting with a hot woman at a bar. I don’t really know the words for what I’m trying to say, but I appreciate his fantasy being alleviated via porn rather than a real live woman who isn’t me. Go ahead…air brush away…make her hot…give her new boobies…he can look but he’s only touching himself! 🙂

    I feel the same way about strippers. Go baby…have fun. I’m taking away the taboo (which probably makes it less fun for him but oh well) and the way I see it, a guy has a very slim chance of taking home a stripper. If he does, then he just bought himself a hooker (and anyone can do that). So…if that’s what he wants…a hot young hooker…then he’s got the wrong girl here (and I doubt very much he’d risk losing me for that). Nothing in me believes my man would get a charge out of doing something anyone can do…and nothing in me believes he wants anyone other than me no matter how hot he thinks they are.

    I’m lucky. I’m in my late thirties and my guy is in his mid forties. He’s as turned on as often as I am, so I don’t get turned down much (yet…I know that could change as he gets older). I always tell him he better do something to keep up though (we joked about it being beets and ginseng that keep a libido strong…long story…lol) and I don’t know if he’s doing anything to work on that or not, but…from what I hear, a man peaks at like age 18…a woman at 40. If he thinks I’m crazy horny now…look out…in a couple of years, I’ll be fighting him for the computer so I can look at my own porn videos! haha 🙂

    Much Love,

  34.  #34Linmayu on June 16, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    I feel so lost. I don’t know what to do if icky feelings come up and I’m at work. I had this happen last night and I didn’t feel like I could afford to give myself a moment to riff it out. I felt very afraid to be seen not working while I was on the clock, while I was supposed to be setting a good example for the other workers. I felt like I had no place to go to get away so I could feel. I felt lost and afraid on top of heartbroken and depressed, and then of course my NV packaged up all the feelings and I forgot about them.

  35.  #35Mercedes on June 16, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    And Linmayu…you are alluring…I can assure you of that. I’ve seen your website. You’re amazing. You haven’t met the right man…that’s okay…but I can ASSURE you…there are men out there who would see you as a dream…

    Wear your pretty soft clothes if you want to honey…who cares if others don’t like it? Put it on…strut your stuff…”be who you know you are…not who they said you had to be” (not sure who said that, but I like it and I apply it to my life as often as I can).

    Much Love,

  36.  #36tinque on June 16, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    “I felt like I was on my way to something great-feeling and then it was snatched away from me.”
    Linmayu – I feel sad reading this from you, and we all feel like this at times. We do, well at least I do since I can’t speak for everyone. And I want to tell you that yes, sex as Jason describes is amazing, beyond amazing, and I have the amazing fortune of experiencing it a lot, yet it’s not luck. I create it, and so will you. If you can imagine it then you can create it.
    Mercedes – I don’t know where to start. You’re amazing. I love everything you say. Your words are so beautifully articulated. I will remember them every time I feel shaky.
    I’m lucky I suppose in that strip clubs lost their appeal well over a decade ago for my man, and when he looks at internet porn, he looks at it to warm up for sex with me. He rarely if ever goes all the way by himself anymore. As he said, “I’d much rather wait for you anymore.” He is very much much a one woman man, and I know this to my core. Not that I didn’t know this deep down, yet it was still so lovely to hear, he said to me just a couple of weeks ago, so sweet and spontaneous, and this is verbatim, “I could never cheat on you. I’m too happy.”
    We do have an awesome sex life, and it’s still getting better. I’ve taught myself to be multipy orgasmic as well as vaginally (for me it’s more cervical but also g-spot) orgasmic which has really added to the whole experience for both of us, and still I feel there’s more.
    As for peaking, well I may be a late bloomer, always have been, but I’m nowhere near my peak, and, sigh, I will admit to my age, I’m in my late forties too. My heightened sexuality keeps his going longer and stronger by the way. So don’t worry about his libido flagging.

  37.  #37tinque on June 16, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    By the way if anyone is interested in seeing my ballet performance from last week, here are the pics from the dress rehearsal That’s my man, my K, partnering me, and as you can see, he forgot his costume.
    the best ones are this #316, as well as 314, 309, 275, , 266, 274. 56 is cute

  38.  #38Mercedes on June 16, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    Tinque: I don’t have to deal with strip clubs much either (but he still has friends who still insist on bachelor parties no matter how many marriages they’ve had…LOL) and I simply don’t care. I feel bad for women who do though…that type of insecurity can be very painful and I don’t mean to diminish it in any way.

    I think your man sounds pretty amazing. We’re lucky girls huh? And yeah…if he’s using it to prep only (or even mostly)…well how cool is THAT? Not many women can say that about porn…consider yourself very lucky. It sounds like he’s a bit insecure about whether or not he can do it right now (knowing you want it right now) and…that helps him get there privately…without pressure (not that you’re putting any on him, but HE might be). I could be very, very wrong about that, but if that’s the case, it’s a good thing in my eyes. Very cool that he knows himself that well and he knows YOU well enough to know you’re fine and yet you need a little reassurance. He gives you the reassurance you need and he does what he needs for himself to feel secure too…wow! Again…cool stuff!

    I also achieve multiple orgasms and do it cervically and vaginally. When you combine the two (I call it “blended”)….it’s OMG…hang on…holy shit…crazy AMAZING!! Whew! (almost had one now just thinking about it). LOL

    I’m not too concerned about his libido…I can get very creative if I need to. If my creativity doesn’t work though, you can bet I’ll be on your blog asking questions and getting advice! 🙂

    Much Love,

  39.  #39Nikita on June 16, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    Tinque, I feel good when you are chuckling 🙂

  40.  #40Mercedes on June 16, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    Tinque: I love your pictures – so beautiful and elegant. It wasn’t on the list, but if I were you (and this is speaking from the point of view of a somewhat but not totally talented amateur photographer) I’d take #318 and blow it up very large, change it to black and white, spend the money on a beautiful frame and put that picture right above my bed. I love it!! My term for a photo that I REALLY like is “frame-able” …that one certainly is!

    Much Love,

  41.  #41Nikita on June 16, 2009 at 4:14 pm


    I feel that you would be very easy on the eyes if you dressed in a flowy way, I would feel good seeing someone at work exhibiting elegant beauty at it’s highest potential. I feel, wow she knows herself, she knows what’s up and she’s not hiding. I feel good, happy when I see a woman beautifully adored. I feel envy sometimes when I see women wearing red or burgandy or pink saris. I feel cheated that my culture won’t let me just drape myself in luxurious fabric for no reason at all. No special occasion needed, the only reason is womanhood. I feel silk lust for fine fabrics when I see women in full-out kimonos,much rarer than saris but I’ve seen it live in person! I feel amazed. I feel in awe. I feel warm seeing an outwardly feminine woman. I feel inspired. I feel moved to create, to sing, to dress up, to sew, to daydream.
    I imagine linmayu in dark red, almost purple, wine. Flowing wine silk 🙂 hair flowing, making lens hearts smile to take in view such exquisiteness 🙂


  42.  #42Nikita on June 16, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    Uh, making men’s hearts smile! Freudian slip? I feel maybe Linmayu would make a camera lens smile too?

  43.  #43Nikita on June 16, 2009 at 4:36 pm

    Tinque, very pretty pics, I feel good seeing the flower in the hair 🙂

  44.  #44Aldonza on June 16, 2009 at 4:42 pm

    I apologize. I’ve jumped in mid-conversation with my opinions without giving any background.

    I’m a divorced woman in my early 40s who is learning about dating and relationship building. I’m currently seeing a man seven years older than me after dating mostly slightly (and a few very) younger men. We are not exclusive (I’m still dating other people, I’m pretty sure he is not) and I have none of the anxieties that I’ve had in past relationships making me push him towards more. Unfortunately, I find this is mostly because I don’t have extreme chemistry with him, despite liking him a lot.

    My last relationship was a white hot, passionate one. We had chemistry all over the place. We went exclusive too soon and I found it very difficult to not get anxious when he didn’t call or find time for me. Of course, he responded to this in the typical fashion of withdrawing even more. When we broke up for a few months and tried to get back together, I continued circular dating. Unfortunately, the triggers were still there in full force, along with the intense chemistry.

    I’ve experienced this in the past as well, where if the chemistry is there, the anxieties follow. It’s one thing to know that you should lean back, it’s another to pull yourself out of a full-blown spiral, right yourself and actually do it. Unfortunately the practice guys aren’t practice because I don’t trigger with them.

    I’m finding your blog and the women who post here to be very inspiring in their own journeys. I may not always agree with everything people say 100%, but I respect where it is coming from and know that it may make sense to me in the future.

  45.  #45Ann on June 16, 2009 at 5:42 pm

    Ughhh I finally make it back to the computer, typed a long post and lost it.

    Linmayu “HUGS” I’ve seen your beautiful pictures. If you ever get a chance to visit my neck of the woods be sure to bring a stick because you’d have to fight the men off.

    I will be 50 in a few weeks but I still feel like a 16 year old inside. My daughter says I act like a 6 year old sometimes I say thank you.

    I’ve done alot of love making but with a few men. For me it got better and better as I learned how to expressed what felt good to me. Even tho I’m not being sexual with my man at the present I still know what feels good to my body.

    Of the men I’ve been with NONE of them have ever complained when I started the ball(no pun intended) rolling.

    Personally, I’ve never been into porn but I don’t feel it would bother me as long as my man didn’t try to hide it or act like he prefered it to me. Most of the men I know look at women they find attractive. Notice I didn’t say beautiful women that’s because I feel men see beauty different than women.

    I like to look at good looking men but the first thing that will attract me to a man is his personality.

    I like the old saying “it doesn’t hurt to look at the menu as long as you eat at home.”

  46.  #46Ann on June 16, 2009 at 5:44 pm

    I forget I wanted to say Tinque thanks for sharing the beautiful pics. You look so elegant and graceful.

  47.  #47tinque on June 16, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    “When you combine the two (I call it “blended”)….it’s OMG…hang on…holy shit…crazy AMAZING!! Whew! (almost had one now just thinking about it). LOL”

    Amen to that. Yum. Yum.Yum. We are crazy lucky, yet we made this for ourselves in my view and in my feelings.

    Thank you for your comments on the pics, Nikita too. I too like the flower, red, my favorite. Because of you Mercedes, I will have an 8X10 made, framed, and I will hang it by the bed. (there’s a window at the head.)

    Nikita – For what it’s worth, go for it. Wear whatever makes you feel that good. I do when the mood strikes.

    Aldonzo – “where if the chemistry is there, the anxieties follow.”
    This is so normal and natural, for you have something on the line, you care about the “outcome”. Someone with whom you have that much attraction will trigger you all over the place.
    Leaning back takes time and practice whether it’s with a trigger man or not. Whenever I’m feeling triggered I talk to myself, tell myself that this my stuff and has nothing to do with him if it is a him. I breathe. I calm my body as best as I can as well as shut up my loud little brain. I then feel whatever it is I’m feeling, watch the little dance within, as the feelings move around, change, transform. This usually does it, for me.
    Rori has a tool where you firmly touch a solid object, anything, a chair, a wall, or sink your feet deeply into the floor. This helps get you out of your head and back into your body.
    These are good places to start. Read some of the archives. Her book is great as are her CDs.

  48.  #48tinque on June 16, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    thank you Ann. I’m with you. I still feel like a young woman inside, maybe even younger than when I was young. Life was so serious back then.

  49.  #49tinque on June 16, 2009 at 6:51 pm

    oh there’s something else I wanted to comment on which I had written but accidentally deleted my original post.
    What bothers me when it does about porn is that on the internet, it’s mostly amateurs, women like you and me and girls next door, from young to old and everything in between, all shapes and sizes. It seems so real to me. They seem so real. I know men compartmentalize these things in ways we mostly have more difficulty doing, yet…
    Strangely I understand why they put themselves out there like that.

  50.  #50Linmayu on June 16, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    Goddess. I just looked at Tinque’s pictures and I feel all hot up my spine with envy and anger. I knew I would be triggered. I don’t want to hate Tinque because she’s beautiful, but damn! She’s the gorgeous little pixie I could never, ever be, the unattainable beauty that was held over my head for all my years in dance class, the ideal held up in front of me by man after man after man who told me they couldn’t love me because I don’t look like that. I feel jealous of Tinque for having what I can’t have. I feel jealous of DocK for having the time and money to go to the gym and dance classes. I have not been able or willing to allow myself that, even though I know how badly I need it. Not as in “I need to get to the gym because I’m fat lol,” but as in, my body needs to move and needs to be expressive, and I don’t allow it to. I feel guilty allowing it to. I feel a great heartbreak because I, who was an obsessive and much-admired dancer in my youth, am brought so low as to feel guilty for even wanting to move my body. I was made to feel guilty because of the money that it costs to go to dance class, of which I wasn’t making enough. I feel hot with shame. I feel my whole face heating up.

    Goddess, it feels so fucking good to be able to FEEL. Thank you Tinque and DocK for the trigger. Damn. I’m grinning like an idiot. I feel good.

  51.  #51Linmayu on June 16, 2009 at 9:06 pm

    And thanks Ann and Nikita and Mercedes for the lovely compliments. <3 <3 Sometimes I can see myself the way you guys see me…I wish it could be more often. I wish men would see it too, and not just the feminine energy, leaning-back men at my workplace, who are used to being chased by girls. I feel angry and sad thinking of how I’ve been overlooked and invisible to men, SO MANY times. I feel forlorn and alone. But, I feel thawed, and not frozen, and for that I feel thankful.

  52.  #52gina on June 16, 2009 at 10:04 pm

    I totally want to be Ms.Whatever more. That would feel liberating. I want to be done with Ms.Complicated – she never gets me anywhere good!! Ms.Complicated is a nit picker. She’s defensive. She’s impossible to please. She’s ambivalent and tense. She judges every person and situation, looking for what’s wrong and why. She’s not satisfied unless things are difficult. If a good thing comes her way, she’s just waiting for the other shoe to drop. In the mean time, she keeps a safe distance from whatever is attracting her, so as to protect herself from harm when the inevitable end of the goodness does come. If an attractive man shows up with something to offer, she feels overwhelmed with the possibility of good feelings and ultimate loss, so she will speak negatively about herself incessantly in order to squelch whatever attraction has deluded the man into thinking he might want to pursue her. Sometimes, if she’s looking especially beautiful, she’ll do something self destructive to correct the false impression of what lies beneath.She hates surprises and spontaneity. She has strict rules about sex and courtship, but she is admittedly “a slutty prude” – if she feels attracted, she uses sex to avoid intimacy. She also admits, sometimes to men, that she has an inferiority/superiority complex. She dreams of success, but she hates the games and politics that go along with it, and so instead she works odd jobs she tries not to hate. She spends the day thinking of what she could/would/should be doing, if only if… and while she’s dreaming, she is on autopilot, doing a mediocre job of the task before her. She “shows Great Potential” and people wonder why she isn’t “Doing More,” yet she feels awful for not doing a better job of task at hand. She admires her coworkers who do a good job, and resents societal pressure to “Do More” – even though she spends all day thinking of what else she could/would/should be doing. She is strict about diet and exercise. She is very careful, and yet unreliable. Arrogant and insecure. She’s “Too smart for her own good.” Life and love interfere with her comfort zone of EXISTENCE.

  53.  #53gina on June 16, 2009 at 10:22 pm

    Ms.Whatever is fun loving. She eats what she wants without worrying cause her regular diet is fruit, veggies, and fish – her diet is perfectly balanced without a worry. She loves to be active – exercising feels great! She has a brilliant smile and a happy laugh. She’s easy to be around. She loves easily. She doesn’t look for an object of love to fit strict criteria – her love is abundant and she shares it generously. She loves her life, and she feels blessed by the people who cross her path – she looks for the lessons she can learn, and considers others to be divine messengers. She relishes in the idea that she too is a divine messenger. She is passionate about everything she does because she has a heightened awareness of the gift of Life. She has deep desires and a clear vision of what she intends to accomplish. She has a plan for how to make it happen, and she easily does her work because it energizes her. She loves to create and share. She attracts men all the time, and she enjoys the love coming her way. She welcomes adventure, and connects with strangers easily. She seems to magically attract fun, amazing opportunities, and she’s always ready to say “YES!” and she goes for it 100% . She has amazing sex cause she is able to love with abandon. She has tons of friends, and a busy social calendar. People feel good around her. Her clothes and home are unique and beautiful because she surrounds herself with things she loves. She has a sense of her own personal style, and she loves expressing herself. She trusts herself and she trusts Truth. She hopes her journey of life is long and Beautiful.

  54.  #54Tracy on June 16, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    Mercedes,Tinque,Dock……i love the posts and i feel so inspired by your strengths and confidence….Its just amaizing….I really want to be able to feel that much confidence and love for myself and my life…..
    When i feel insecure and confused and all my irky feelings take control i feel like i am spinning out of control and i keep going over and over again about my painful stories and i try to analyse and think them through…….However when i bring my self to good feelings by visualizing something i would love to happen or feeling good about myself…..i feel so much at peace and my mind feels less relaxed and i don’t have to think so much…….I felt that today when i woke up……and when i read the posts it clicked….

  55.  #55Tracy on June 16, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    I feel that i need to focus on the positive,love life and be a miss whatever…..believe in love and all the good things that come with it………….It feels liberating to just think of life that way……when the irky feelings surface…..i can feel through them and feel confident and love them as part of a wonderful and beautiful me…….

  56.  #56Nikita on June 16, 2009 at 11:52 pm


    I have a question, I welcome a response from anyone else as well.
    I feel scared of living with a man that is not my husband. If I’m on his turf how do we both keep from feeling trapped? How do we still inspire freedom in each other. How can we circular date if we don’t/ Aren’t master of our domain? I feel disrespectful if I’m living with a man and I can’t answer my phone if a frog calls. I feel confused expressing my question 🙂 ok-(breathe nikita) I’d like to be married, I’d like to live with my sweetie so that I can feel good about my decision to marry him or anyone. How do we, or Diana negotiate that, so that we feel we did our research/due diligence on the relationship, but avoid painting ourselves into a corner where we might feel powerless. Where’s our leverage?

    I feel like rephrasing the question 🙁
    But I feel….. I don’t feel like beating my head on this 🙂

    Thank you

  57.  #57Nikita on June 16, 2009 at 11:54 pm


    I like your posts a lot 🙂

  58.  #58gina on June 17, 2009 at 1:31 am

    Thanks Nikita. It felt good to write them. After identifying Ms.Complicated, I feel more space inside, like I removed that pattern by articulating it. It could easily fit right back in, but I feel like I could fill that space with something else. Like I have more choices. I have loathed that part of myself for a very long time, but now, I don’t feel the tension of resisting something, I just feel like it isn’t actually me. I’m not sure what I’ll do to switch gears when I feel tempted to go in Complicated Mode, but at least I can remember that it isn’t really me. I went into complete Complicated Mode as a teenager – I became Anorexic. To recover, I was able to identify the thoughts that were taking me dangerously out of whack, and managed to make healthy choices to simplify. Since then, I have varied in degrees of Complication depending on what I was having to cope with. Somehow, complication became a way of coping. With what?? With life, I guess. With the things that are out of my control. At the time, I remember my mom said that no guy would ever marry me because of how strict and “crazy” I was. I feel like I never let go of the stigma of having an eating/mental disorder, and I never completely released whatever was gumming up the system. Inside of me, underneath all that behavior and dysfunction, what was there?? Like I want to think that some version of “the real me” was there, imprisoned. There was nothing there, I guess. I wish I could say that there was someone else there. Was there?? I am sensing that there was my highest self. My highest self was there feeling compassion for the struggle that I had to go through to learn the lessons I needed in order to fulfill my purpose. That feels better and that feels true. And that reminds me that my higher self is here now and always, and that if I can find emptiness and space, there will be nothing except my higher self. Oh that feels good and peaceful.

  59.  #59Tracy on June 17, 2009 at 4:30 am

    Gina,Nice post…

  60.  #60searchingwithin on June 17, 2009 at 6:19 am

    My last S/O stated that he liked for the woman to initiate sometimes, so I did and also like initiating now and then, but then it turned into how he wanted to to transpire all the time. I needed to feel desired, and lost that feeling by always being the initiator so I stopped. One day he asked if we were ever going to have sex again. My response was, I had been wondering the same thing.

    I suppose it was a practice I should never have started to begin with. Something to ponder.

  61.  #61DocK on June 17, 2009 at 7:49 am

    It feels interesting to be a “trigger.”

    My trigger is ballet. I love it but it makes me cry. Even so, thank you, Tinque, for sharing – so beautiful.

    The reason it is a trigger for me, I took ballet when little. Supposedly, have the “gift” of dance but financial situation changed and I had to quit. My sister is 6 years older so when this happened she had trained in it all through grade/high school and was on her way to being a dance major in college. She is so beautiful to watch.

    It was and is the heartbreak of my life, but if that’s the worst I have had to deal with, so be it. that is why it is so important for me to have dance in my life now – it is still my passion. Also, with my past experience of lack, I hope it is something that others can see does turn around and I enjoy fueling my passion for dance and working out. : )

    Other triggers for me – ha! strip clubs. funny, something different for everyone. Rori wouldn’t be with her husband if he had bunches of close female friends he would be hanging around with – past issues with that for her. Other women don’t like their men involved with porn and I’m not so bad with that. I am absolutely NOT trying to convince ANYONE ELSE they SHOULD have a problem with strip clubs. For me, I don’t like the idea of my guy having a real woman shoving her boobs in his face and grinding on his lap. I also have a friend whose BF DID cheat with a stripper and instead of kicking him to the curb -she ran to the plastic surgeon for double DDs and lipo (and she was a size 0 already).

    My LI and have talked about it. He knows my insecurities and where they come from. He also knows that I used to go to strip clubs to watch naked men and boy did HE get triggered about that (I am visual and he knows it) so he knows he can’t do what he doesn’t want me to do. It’s interesting that SOME men can talk about how harmless something is until they have a woman that does the same thing, and then, not so harmless.

    Also, I have a pole in my living room and 6″ pumps and costumes and wigs. I love dress up and performing and he still goes on about the lap dance I gave him. (and no touching – until I allowed it). That pole comes in handy for lots of stuff but I won’t provide details – that would be a little too much TMI. : )

  62.  #62Linmayu on June 17, 2009 at 8:55 am

    I feel like I should have kept my damn mouth shut. I feel afraid I offended Tinque and DocK. I feel buzzy in the head and like I have to run away–but there’s nowhere to run. I will stay and face the consequences of the words that I said, whatever they are.

  63.  #63DocK on June 17, 2009 at 9:22 am

    Linmayu – adorable as always. I am not offended at all. I have had the experience, in my past, of much lack financially and it does feel very good to be in a different place. It took a long time, though. I remember knowing it was a bill collector because s/he couldn’t pronounce my name and I would say, ‘you have the wrong number.’

    I work out and dance because I love it but I also don’t have lots of folks to hang around with (hence, I have the time) and I don’t have lots of other things to spend my money on so to my expensive, trendy gym membership and dance classes – it goes. : )

  64.  #64Linmayu on June 17, 2009 at 9:25 am

    Jealousy and envy have always been a problem for me…my mom used to call me a green-eyed monster when I was little. I feel so powerless in the face of jealousy–I feel completely taken over by it! And it makes me feel alone, separate, and nonliving. Feeling alone makes me feel like nothing I do matters, and I can do whatever I want even if it hurts someone else, because those other people are OUT THERE and they don’t matter. Doing whatever I want and hurting other people feels like an endlessly spinning wheel of anger. It doesn’t feel good. It feels like a treadmill that I can’t get off.

    I want to dig out my pointe shoes and put them back on and experience the joy of movement again. Right now I have no place to go to dance but that doesn’t always have to be the case. My own words make me feel doomed and hopeless–FORCED to accept a man’s broken promises. Forced. Completely powerless. I lean back in my seat and allow myself to feel it.

    I feel like I am in one tiny black bubble and the world is in its own bubble separate from me. I can move in the world, but never affect the world–I feel like I might as well not even exist for all I am doing. I feel like a baby taken from its mother. I’m done crying and not being heard. I now KNOW that no one is there, no one cares, and my tears are completely pointless.

    I want to lean forward and intellectualize and say “oh, that’s childhood trauma from such and such incident.” That feels like needing to make sense and needing to be understood and pushing everyone away. Like I don’t care about anyone else’s problems, I want everyone to focus on ME ME ME. And the minute anyone does, I will close up because I’m scared. This feels like being an annoying drama queen. It feels like sitting on a throne and being completely overfed and lazy and inert, so that my body becomes completely shapeless–like Jabba the Hutt. And it feels like having a soul that’s just a tiny little black hole, the size of an atom but able to suck and drain all the energy out of everyone as they give me attention. Hahaha, I feel like a flesh-eating zombie! I WILL FEAST ON YOUR BRAINS. I feel like a zombie with its arms up holding a knife and fork and chasing people. A zombie chasing people through a beautiful enchanted forest with fountains and butterflies and shit. I want to play in the forest.

  65.  #65Mercedes on June 17, 2009 at 9:42 am

    Linmayu: I wish you didn’t feel so alone. I hate feeling that way. One time I was on a plane to another city traveling with co-workers. I had just ended things with J (we used to be on then off then on…etc). Nobody really knew I was taking a trip outside of work. When the plane landed, everyone pulled out their cell phones. I pulled mine out too and turned it on. Everyone else on the plane was calling someone to let them know they landed safely or to get their ride or whatever. I had nobody to call. There wasn’t one single person in my life who cared if that plane landed. I’m sure there were people who would have cared if it had crashed and I was on it, but not one single person in the whole world was waiting to hear from me that I landed safely.

    That was the lonliest moment of my entire life.

    I know how you feel.

    Much Love,

  66.  #66tinque on June 17, 2009 at 10:53 am

    Linmayu – I feel so badly you were triggered so, but you know what, it’s all perception. I was never the popular girl in school. I was shy and ignored, younger and smaller than everyone else and a very late developer. It’s as an older adult that I feel any sort of strength and goddessness, and believe me when I say I’m not secure in it, sometimes, but not so much.
    I don’t feel like how you describe me at all, and to read what you wrote makes me feel so amazing, so special; it brings tears to my eyes, and I feel your wonderful, bigger than life spirit therein, and it’s beautiful. YOU ARE beautiful. I’ve seen your picture too.
    Now go pull out your pointe shoes, and go into your kitchen so you can use the counter as a barre. Do some releves, stretch, whatever. Drama queen away on your dainty pink toes. xxoo 🙂

    Gina – You sound so like me most of my life in your first post. Maybe you’re a late bloomer too, and you know what, I’ve decided for me that this has been an amazing, incredible opportunity and gift, for you get to regain your awe and wide-eyed wonder for the world, revel in whatever comes your way. You are well on your way, for you are here, and you’ve written out your intentions which is as good as done. If you can imagine it, it will be. xxoo
    No wonder – your words are so like me – “I became Anorexic.” As did I, and I struggled with it for a great many years, not always visible to others, but often it was, as my weight would plummet whenever life became too much to handle. It was always very apparent to me inside my little brain where the two sides of me, the anorexic side would argue with the real me. They were my Bickersons. It really wasn’t until K came into my life that I was able to let the last of this go completely, and even this took a few more years.
    You even use the same words – “the real me” – SHE IS THERE. Your she I mean. Yes she is. Maybe she’s hiding, for she’s scared, but she is there, and you are feeling her. I’m still coaxing parts of my own “real me” out from under. xxoo

    Tracy – “I really want to be able to feel that much confidence and love for myself and my life…..” Me too.

    DocK – Ballet is my own trigger too. I had to give it up for a long time, twice. The first time because of my eating disorder, the second time because of a serious car accident that pretty much broke my entire body, pelvis, many ribs, shoulder, and it shattered the whole right side of my face. I still struggle with the aftermath from that, adhesions, distortions in my body from compensating for my injuries, pain, but I loved ballet so much (it’s in my blood) that I went back and keep going back. I will never be even close to a Sylvie Guillem, but I’ve decided that’s okay. I pose really good. It’s all the stuff in between that’s a problem. But I have fun, lots of fun, and that my man shares it with me is all the better.
    As for strip clubs, I’m with you here. I’m very glad my man no longer goes and hasn’t for a very long time. As far as I’m concerned, lap dances are cheating. It’s touching, and touching is cheating. And I’m sorry, but it’s sordid. Again I’m happy K no longer goes. I suppose as Mercedes said, I am lucky that his habit is rather tame compared to so many others and that it’s conducted and directed mostly at me.. well no more need be said.
    Thank you everyone for allowing me to be a part of this thread. I follow all of your stories but hesitate to contribute.
    By the way, Ann…How is your husband?

  67.  #67Mercedes on June 17, 2009 at 11:18 am

    I agree with everything said about lap dances. That’s BAD and I’d be pissed. I’m picturing someone having to hold my head still so it didn’t spin around while I spit green shit all over him. It’s the looking that doesn’t bother me. J’s been twice since I’ve known him (for bachelor parties). My ex did it almost weekly. Didn’t bother me…but if there was touching involved…yeah…that’s not good.

  68.  #68gina on June 17, 2009 at 11:25 am

    Yes, Tinque – you’re right. I remember constantly fighting in my head. There were 2 sides. In my post, I guess I lumped the 2 sides together to create “Complication” – but I guess the complication was just the result of inner conflict. I was there, and there was a force of destruction. Like a weed that was taking over. And yet I sense a presence watching it all, witnessing the conflict. Does that make sense? Thanks for your response and perspective. I feel encouraged.

    my impression is that in our recent posts we have described the masks that we wear to cope. Somehow, those masks ARE true to who we are because they are the expression of our innermost selves in a sense. When I hear you describe your mask, even if it is trying to scare me off, I still consider the mask itself beautiful. Your green eyes are beautiful. They may be discontent, but that makes them interesting and compelling. Beneath the mask, I sense great wisdom, and it radiates through the mask, even. I’m just saying, that even with your mask on, you are beautiful. But when you remove the mask, I am seeing a great force of Light. Unstoppable. Passionate and powerful and healing. Happy. I can see why you wear the mask – It must be difficult to contain all that energy. I wonder if dancing would set you free?

  69.  #69Linmayu on June 17, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    Oh wow! Mercedes, your story about the plane…I just melted into a puddle of tears reading it. And Tinque, I absolutely love the way you speak. I want to hug you right now because you’re so freakin adorable. <3 and DocK, I feel inspired to get myself into a place in the future where I’m able to put money into a gym membership and dance classes again.

    Gina, you’re on to something–i do contain a LOT of energy, and I don’t know how or have been afraid to harness and use it–so all I have done with it is turn it against myself to my destruction. Dancing absolutely sets me free. Absolutely. it is what the Goddess made me for. But I am still afraid to use that power. I am afraid I would use it for evil, or hurt someone with it.

    Fuck it. If they’re going to be hurt, they can just not watch.

  70.  #70DocK on June 17, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    Loneliness is something I know a lot about. My own doing in some ways. I moved around (followed the money – that’show I finally got some). Found it tough to make female friends. Have a few now but it took a long time. Even though things are better now, I still have to face that every time I have to get to the airport to take flight to visit family, I have to get myself there, and coming back, NEVER have anyone to greet me.

    For awhile I carried these fancy handbags because they really were conversation pieces – and got to connect with people. Even guys commented (they were girly) and who knew that straight men even noticed handbags?

    Again, much better now but it was rough going for a long time and I felt very dark and bleak.

    As for my dad, “they” say people don’t change but he has. The one thing I had was that people always told me that no matter what my dad said about us (me and siblings) to us, to others, he bragged about us. Now, he actually tries to give compliments. I feel grateful to be able to experience this turn-around with him.

    Linmayu – you are an inspiration to me – your inner (and outer) beauty, your wit and I really am laughing with you (NOT at you) – but sometimes the way you say things I just get so tickled because it is so authentic and colorful.

    Before I had really gotten back to dancing in a class setting, I used to drink a little wine and put on my music (used to be records, then CDs) and dance like a madwoman all over the house. I loved it because I was my own DJ and could jump from an R & B song, to hard rock, to country, to latin, to – whatever! so much fun!

  71.  #71Symantha on June 21, 2009 at 12:34 pm


    Powerfull post, this is my situation right now! This men have given me all the attention and caring that now I feel Emmotionaly dependant on him….. I need to GET ME back!

    Love you for your beautifull work in inspiring women,


  72.  #72Kaye on June 23, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    Okay…you guys…I know you are going to slaughter me…but how does this concept fit into what I would call those of us who are well, a little more “open minded”….what if a man wants the women to be the dominant one..then there is no need for these tactics or even in that..can you “lean back”…I definitely think you can focus on yourself in all cases..(I’m referring to female dominant/male submissive relationships)…

  73.  #73Rori Raye on June 23, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    What’s to slaughter?! There’s absolutely nothing wrong. If you want to be the man, be the man — attract a feminine, fun, easy guy, be the breadwinner, call the shots and be happy!!! Only thing is – don’t expect him to “step up.” That wouldn’t be fair. Rori