How To Love Going First

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IMG_0938Here I am at a street corner walking my dog.

There’re cars coming and going…they stop for me… and I feel the stress and anxiety rising in my body.

The idea of crossing the street in front of them feels like a performance… I have stage fright.

I can feel their anxiety and irritated waiting for me.

…Or maybe I made that up!

Instinctively, when I get to a corner and a car comes by…or there’s a car pulling out of the driveway right  in front of me – I want to stop and go in the other direction.

I want to tell them “…Go on, go on and forget about me…”

I do not wish to make them stop and to walk in front of their idling car… Their raring to go car….

I want it to pass. I want to street to be empty. I want to go at my own pace on my own.

And life doesn’t work like that.

If I waited, always, for the traffic to clear before I moved – I would never get anywhere.

If I waited for the noise on the Internet to die down before I jumped in with my own business idea… I’d never get anywhere.

If I waited for a man I knew and trusted to say hello to me I would be alone forever.

If I let my man sit in his corner feeling bad and withdrawing all by himself without opening up my own heart first – yes – I will extend his discomfort and mine to another day or two.

So, what does it take to make the move to open up first – even in the face of discomfort?

Am I not crossing the street because it’s not safe?

Or am I not crossing the street because I don’t want to be the one in their headlights?

The thing is, I have to wait for the lights to change.

I have to wait for the green light and the walk sign.

But the truth is also that 99% of the time, there are no lights.

None at all… No signs no signals no messages… I simply have to wade in.

So here’s to wading  in!

Find your dream. Find your voice. Speak it.

When the lane is clear and you feel safe in your gut that nobody’s going to mow you down because they can’t see you – Cross!

Go in. Wade in. Speak.

Love, Rori

564 Comments

  1.  #1BeLoved on December 21, 2015 at 9:45 pm

    I want to hear more about this:

    If I let my man sit in his corner feeling bad and withdrawing all by himself without opening up my own heart first – yes – I will extend his discomfort and mine to another day or two.



  2.  #2Femininewoman on December 22, 2015 at 7:56 am

    What happens when the mines start going off after wading in, is what I am always afraid of.



  3.  #3D on December 22, 2015 at 8:16 am

    Today I felt triggered. I felt the need to assert the right I have on my own personal boundaries even while I was feeling triggered and simmering with anger. And I waded in. I expressed my boundaries anyway, even though the statement of my boundaries sounded curt in my voice tone. I imagined, this was my boundary, my right, my personal space. I was not accusing anyone. Just asserting my personal boundaries and I didn’t feel right at the imagination of having my boundaries compromised. I stood by me, comforted myself and supported myself. And that’s ok.



  4.  #4sasha on December 22, 2015 at 9:04 am

    I would be willing to wade in, but I’m just not getting asked on many dates. I have my profile on a few sites and I think I have pretty good pictures and profile info, but I mainly get creepy guys messaging me. The ones who seem ok just text occasionally but don’t ask me out.



  5.  #5IamHis on December 22, 2015 at 10:18 am

    When I was working with Heather Allison, she walked me through my feelings of being assaulted, & asked me what my higher self wanted me to learn from all this:

    It was that I’m beautiful, I need to stop hiding my beauty, & I need to SPEAK up.



  6.  #6Tee on December 22, 2015 at 11:25 am

    #3 Iamhis, thank you for the reminder.
    I hide alot. More importantly, I think I hide & downplay myself as a way of punishing my fiancé

    I play the sympathy/victim/frumpy girl card

    It’s truly not helping & then I wonder why I feel so BLAH, anxious and insecure



  7.  #7Azure Blu on December 22, 2015 at 12:58 pm

    Tee #4
    I have been like this most of my life…
    When I started using a self esteem tool Leah Lake taught me.
    and it has changed me completely!!
    She had me stand in front of the mirror and
    Look at ME
    Then she had me choose two things I really like about me…
    For me it was…My hair and my eyes
    As you are loooking in the mirror
    tell yourself how much you love your eyes
    How beautiful your hair is!! as often as you have a chance… then tell yourself how much you LOVE YOU!!!
    and then pretend you have a luscious container of Love lotion and pick a fragrance you really like
    and slather it alll over your body and as you do, say
    “I am slathering this love all over me!!”
    It really has changed my self esteem 100%!!!



  8.  #8Tee on December 22, 2015 at 3:12 pm

    #5, Azure Blue,

    I’ve done that before but I wasn’t consistent with it. I have serious issues being consistent with alot of things lol



  9.  #9Azure Blu on December 22, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    Tee
    well having a young child makes things more complicated
    I believe, baby step by baby step it’ll all fall into place
    Darling Siren, just realizing your doing it is half the battle!! ;0)
    oxoxo



  10.  #10Tee on December 22, 2015 at 5:26 pm

    #7, Yes having a little one does make things a little more complicated but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love the little bugger lol

    I do know that I need to take better care of myself, be gentle, etc. I get so frustrated with life, with how things are going or how they aren’t going…sometimes it’s difficult to find the positive

    But I am becoming more & more aware of myself

    I need to write down a routine of sorts starting with some affirmations like you mentioned and a few other things

    I love when I feel calm, sane lol and uncomplicated. Like now, my son is asleep. Fiancé is downstairs as usual with his games and I’m upstairs about to read & have a hot cup of soup

    Baby steps I know but I feel like I have so far to go with myself and my fiancé



  11.  #11Tee on December 23, 2015 at 8:55 am

    Just wanted to share. I had an awesome dream this morning. I was shaving my legs and just enjoying a nice hot bubble bath.

    I was feeling expectant, happy, excited and in love. I think I was getting ready for a date with my fiancé.

    Somehow, someway, a butterfly appeared out of nowhere. It was larger than the average butterfly.

    It landed on my leg once & even lightly touched my eyelash. I smiled the whole time, it was amazing.

    That dream was brief but it gave me such distinct feelings. I miss feeling in love with my fiancé, I miss feeling a bit excited because we’re going out, I miss liking him. Sometimes I wonder if he likes me anymore.

    I think we need time apart. Not a separation but something. I think we both have cabin fever.

    You start being annoyed at every little thing. He breathes too heavy, laughs too loud, you hate the way he eats his chips, etc.

    Some days I’m positive that I can change it all around, other days I just wanna burn it to the ground

    Interestingly enough, my Grandmother always loved butterflies & my aunt believed that if I saw one…it was her visiting. I also have a butterfly tattooed on my right ankle



  12.  #12Angie on December 23, 2015 at 3:43 pm

    Hi Rori and Sirens and fixing some issues ive been having with my bf. If anyone could help that would be great!
    My bf and i are both 25 we have been together 3 years.
    The problem is that he really doesnt want to have sex with me anymore.
    It makes me feel so upset that i have to initiate time and even when i do he doesnt seem interested.
    We have talks about this often until today that he said “I will be honest and I hope you dont get hurt, but I just dont feel connected with you during sex something is missing and i dont know what. I still love you though”
    It broke my heart part of me wants to kick him to the curb and the other part of me recents that he wants to put it all on me.
    I know weve had huge issues were i use to blame ciritisize and he said thats part of it too, that i am too in my head. And that those fights traumatized him.
    I feel guilty and sad and even crazy i hate feeling needy and especially for sex.



  13.  #13Sapphire on December 23, 2015 at 3:52 pm

    Tee
    Just a quicky as off to bed. – try flipping it. For each negative about something come up with a positive. You can find a positive in everything if you look
    Night night Sirens x



  14.  #14Angie on December 23, 2015 at 3:59 pm

    Hi Rori and Sirens I need help understand and fixing and issue I’ve been having with my bf.
    We are both 25. But for almost a year now sex is always so hard.
    I have to initiate and do all the work.
    Sometimes when I do initiate he will reject me.
    When we have sex its amazing but still i feel the resentment in my heart telling me why did i have to initiate.
    We have been having talks where i get super emotional and tell him how it makes me feel. He told me this today, ” I will be honest with you I just dont feel a connection with you during sex, but I still love you a lot”
    It made me feel terrible and here I am now. I feel bad with myself, I know i made so many mistakes in the past where i shamed him for watching porn , we had terrible fights, my insecurities where out of control. He says those things killed him and his desire for me.
    I am taking responsibility but i dont want to be with a man that will forever feel that towards me and who i will never be able to be sexual with again.
    He does watch porn and says it makes him feel free. And that it sucks that i had to kill his drive by bullying him into stopping porn.
    Im so confused I dont know what to do. The last thing he told me is that he also feels bored during sex. That again made me feel like crap. It activated all my insecurities.
    In other words he wants me to spice things up and here i am wanting to do it but feeling resentful for going first.
    Also, he has always been the man who will change as soon as i change. If i open up he follows behind. This issue though I dont know how to navigate. Im mad at him for not wanting me, and I am mad at myself for allowing that. Im thinking i should lean all the way back stop initiating sex altogether and stop questioning him about all our issues. Also about believing him when he says he feels bored . I feel like changing things up but I feel terribly vulnerable about fixing all of it myself. What if things dont change thats my biggest fear, what if i do all this work for nothing?



  15.  #15Azure Blu on December 23, 2015 at 4:59 pm

    Tee…
    Ahhh… this visiting butterfly does sound sooo
    magical… so heart melting and energizing!!!
    I’m sure it was your grandmother with good luck wishes and afermations that all is working out!!

    Lately i have realized that all the loudness, rauccus, exciting, BOLD energy is ALL MALE!!!

    It feels sooo different from me…
    and before I
    would push it away… be annoyed, hate it@!!!!
    BUT i have been practicing accepting, inviting,
    sharing with “him” (son, RM and Spirit and any other male friend) the excitement and boldness that men’s energy brings to the world!!!
    THEY Drink it up!!! Men get sooo much NEGative
    comments and put downs now about their maleness…
    it’s like what women used to get all the time..

    I believe we need to CELEBRATE the MALENESS
    and FEMALNESS
    It’s what makes life soooo YUMMIE!!!



  16.  #16Millie on December 23, 2015 at 8:57 pm

    Ladies, when am I going to stop feeling the desire to contact M?!!! It feels like an itch that you know is there but can’t scratch and it kills me!!! I can’t talk to someone that I really need to talk to….and like it just feels like I’m never going to get over this if I don’t, but now I’m too scared to call him…or send another unanswered text. The fact that he has chosen to end contact..without telling me why…kills me. I don’t know how to get over this f-ing thing that happened like 9 months ago… because no one has compared to him since…and I want that back so badly, but better obviously..and I can’t take less. I just can’t. I won’t. So that means a lot of lonely nights missing what I had…so much regret…oh why can I not forgive myself?!!! I thought he’d be back at some point, they always do, but not this one?? Not the one that was amazing, who actually won my parents affection and trust? All the stupid creeps come back around, but not him? Every day it hurts more and more…that he’s living his life, with someone else no doubt, and just never put the period on the end of this sentence. I’m like a preposition that never ended. Why couldn’t he grant me a conversation, why can’t that still happen?



  17.  #17BeLoved on December 23, 2015 at 9:20 pm

    Millie – how are you relating to your feelings of desire? Are you allowing yourself to feel present and intimate with the energy of the desire itself?

    How might it feel if you could accept that it happened the way it did without understanding why?

    I remember feeling a while back, that it was necessary for me to feel bad while I imagined my ex feeling good with someone else, as if it was an either/or. As if there wasn’t enough happiness for both of us to be happy separately or me to be happy and feel good without him. Does that resonate with you at all?

    I honor your courage to have put yourself out there and love again! Tender hugs to your beautiful heart, sweet siren.



  18.  #18Millie on December 23, 2015 at 9:28 pm

    Beloved– I think so…I feel desire for other people too in the moment, I feel desire for so many things, but I can’t help but cry and hope he’ll show up so I can close the book.

    I don’t know how to accept something without understanding it.

    I just can’t understand how he could say he loved me and mean it and then turn around and treat me like some girl….some stupid girl..like the girl that guys always describe their ex as.. “crazy” Am I that crazy girl now??? He’d rather talk to everyone else about me than me?



  19.  #19Millie on December 24, 2015 at 12:42 am

    OMG– newsflash ladies. I texted M tonight, for like the tenth time, and he FINALLY answered!!!! Can you believe it? I about fainted. He apologized for everything and admitted to being a jerk. He said I did nothing wrong, but a lot of things happened with him and his work/family and he had to go back home to another state and didn’t know how to tell me…..I was like, um you could have just told me…it would have saved a lot of agony on my part. I think we are going to meet up…but he already started making sexual passes at me…so I feel kind of put off by that. I don’t hear from him for like 9 months and he wants me to pull my pants down for him??? WTF. So, I don’t know what will happen from here, well I’m not going to sleep with him I know that for sure and made that clear. All I know, is that I finally FINALLY got closure..and it seems I’m not missing out on a great man. Halleluijah!!!!!!!!!!



  20.  #20Dixie on December 24, 2015 at 5:19 am

    Millie…… I am SO happy for you!

    I also find it funny that he admits to poor behaviour but then flirts… Hahahahaha!

    Remember what Azure Blu shared earlier in the previous thread about an ex? She said when she realized she was no longer emotionally invested in him, she was able to practice using her scripted feeling message.

    This could be a good opportunity for your inner boy to stand up for your inner girl



  21.  #21Femininewoman on December 24, 2015 at 6:30 am

    Millie every man screws up. I am not telling you to take him back neither am I am telling you not to take him back. Just know he knew he screwed up so it could have been fear that kept him away so long. He could have been afraid of your anger. Does that make him a great man?? mmmm I duno,

    All I will say is listen carefully to what he has to say and let him know all that you are there for is to hear him out. If you are going to say anything I’d encourage you to only let him know that you desire and dream of being with a man who feels his heart and mind aching to be with you so much that he can feel his stomach churning with passion so he can’t stay away. You want a man who will wake up in the morning with you as the first thing on his mind and go to be with you as the last thing he thinks about at night. He must be feeling so much obsession for you that he can’t even force himself to stay away. Let him decide if he is the man.



  22.  #22Millie on December 24, 2015 at 7:44 am

    Feminine woman- from the conversation that is happening between him and I, I feel like I am NOT missing out on a great guy. He doesn’t seem so great anymore. Sexy yes, but he straight up told me he doesn’t live here anymore, he travels back and forth so if we started up again– it wouldn’t work. He already said the “I don’t want to hurt you again” line. So, I feel like he’s just looking for sex.

    Talking to him feels so surreal to me. And he almost doesn’t sound like the same person. Hmm



  23.  #23Millie on December 24, 2015 at 8:14 am

    Dixie– his behavior feels bazaar to me! But yes you are right, good time to practice!



  24.  #24Femininewoman on December 24, 2015 at 8:31 am

    Maybe you’ve taken off the rose colored glasses?



  25.  #25Indigo on December 24, 2015 at 8:55 am

    Millie,

    I think one good thing to come out of this, and something which always helps me to get over something, is a sense of perspective. You now know that his leaving didn’t really have anything to do with you. You know that things came up in his life, that he needed to move and that there were various other stressful factors at play, and he felt his only option was to disappear. You know now that this is the truth, and if it were me, this would relieve me of a huge amount of pining energy and self-blame and all that other stuff. It just is what it is.



  26.  #26Millie on December 24, 2015 at 10:08 am

    Indigo– yes 100%



  27.  #27Azure Blu on December 24, 2015 at 10:14 am

    Millie!!! Wow!! What a great Christmas gift!!
    and you get such great perspective…
    You see his leaving had nothing to do with you..
    Wow!! what a great relief
    and talking to him again… after alll your amazing growth…
    Seems to be showing you, from what you are sharing with us, that he really isn’t who you thought he was!
    I feel sooo happy for you lovely, Siren!!!



  28.  #28Azure Blu on December 24, 2015 at 10:25 am

    Happy Christmas Eve Wonderful Sirens,

    Breaking news… Spirit invited me over to his house last night!! of course it was spur of the moment
    But this time I could actually go!!
    Yay… I felt happy and excited and eager to see his apt…
    BUt something really strange happened when i got there..
    I felt angry because it took him sooo long to invite me!!
    I’m surprised by my reaction…
    I was happy and he was playful and kept saying..
    “so do you like my humble abode… do you like my house…??”
    and then I started feeling angry and upset and I shared my feelings with him…
    He said he thought I’d be happy…
    and I said I am but… “I feel confused why you couldnt’ invite me before… can you explain why?
    and then we sat in silence until he changed the subject….
    I asked him to give me a little time to get over my being upset… he shared his family photos and showed me through his house…
    and a little while later he asked if I was feeling better…
    and I was…
    He took me to see the Star Wars movie, 3D, we had a wonderful time…
    He kept saying…. “Do you love me more now?” Do you love me?”
    and then saying how much he loves me!!!
    We cuddled close cause it was a theater where you can put up the arm rests between chairs…
    It was VERY romantic!!



  29.  #29Starla on December 24, 2015 at 10:32 am

    What do you ladies suppose the difference is between “going first” and “leaning forward”?

    I go first almost all the time in my relationship, and it feels discouraging. I feel like if I didn’t go first emotionally during tense times, especially tense times he created or escalated, our relationship would be nothing.

    I feel like crying. I think I need to back off a little and spend some time alone, but he will only mirror me, when what I need the most is to feel his love and comittment and enjoyment and acceptance of me, even if I am not excited and bubbly because I feel worn out and need recharging. I want to feel chosen when things are tense. I feel exhausted like I’m carrying the weight of both of our emotional comfort. And it just seems like unless I have zero complaints and worries about our relationship, he won’t “go first” to bridge the gap. It seems like a recipe for a break up. I feel so tired.

    Oh ladies, I feel so sad. I am scared I really will give up on this relationship very soon. My gut is going sour on him=/

    Please don’t judge me if this is so wrong of me 🙁



  30.  #30Tee on December 24, 2015 at 10:42 am

    #10 Sapphire, thanks. I’m gonna pick up an actual journal & write stuff down because when I’m in the middle of a fit lol I forgot all the sweet things he does

    #11 Azure Blue, once again thank you for the gift you have of translating lol
    I hope I’m not coming off as being against maleness. I’m still learning.

    My upbringing didn’t include too many men but women who consciously or unconsciously didn’t like men very much as people. Men were good for spending money on you & maybe sex.
    It wasn’t very positive to say the least.

    I love my fiancé, I just feel at a disadvantage in understanding him sometimes. Or more accurately, I’m too close to really see him. My sister adores E. She’s 20 years old & she instantly gets him with no hesitation.
    She gets his need to be busy, his grumbling, his antsy-ness lol she even sees it in her nephew. She loves the guys too & enjoys them as they are.

    I guess it’s easier when you’re a little more removed.



  31.  #31Starla on December 24, 2015 at 11:21 am

    He says he definitely wants to be with me, but I’m not feeling the same right now. And I have a hard time ‘faking’ being okay while I wait to see if the insulting and fighting gets any better, and he’s not actively trying to reconnect our relationship… he’s just sort of floating along. Not to say that his version of floating along isn’t loving in nature, but being at such a deficit myself, I’m not sure if I can pull myself up out of the hole all on my own.

    I also sense resentment in him that he does not admit. Resentment over spending money or my taking anything from him that cost him money, like a cigarette for example. But it only surfaces when things aren’t going perfectly.

    Such deep unhappiness I feel, so it occurs to me that I have not done a great job of making myself happy… all I’ve been doing for 4 weeks straight is working no less than 8.5 hours every single day, sometimes 15 hours. It will slow down soon, and then I can perhaps take better care of myself, and this will all pass. However, I have offered my apartment to a friend who needs out of a bad relationship of her own, and so I am pretty much relegated to my boyfriend’s apartment which is directly across the hall.

    I feel trapped. I wish he would step up and help me feel better. Maybe it’s just not his responsibility.

    How did things get this bad? It didn’t have to. I wish he hadn’t been so careless.



  32.  #32Millie on December 24, 2015 at 12:18 pm

    I’m wondering if men resort to sex to fix things…. Or if it’s just that, they want sex. I’m kind of seeing in multiple men that instead of actually dealing with something, they try to have sex. Hmm I don’t know….



  33.  #33Tee on December 24, 2015 at 12:26 pm

    (((Starla)))



  34.  #34Starla on December 24, 2015 at 1:19 pm

    I have more going on too, and it might be just making my feelings so much darker than they need to be…. basically I saw all this stuff with my mother using a fake name and fake qualifications trying to pull a major deception… and others of it is just a delusion… and it’s just really shaken me and I feel embarrassed to be so shaken when my boyfriend has never had to face anything like this. I feel ashamed of my pain and my bloodline and I feel unlovable. Why would I be born to someone who is literally incapable of loving me, and have no siblings and be moved away from any family on the other side of the continent. How did I get born into that.



  35.  #35Tee on December 24, 2015 at 2:09 pm

    #30, Starla…I feel the same way about my mother. She’s a narcissistic freak who should never have had children.
    She’s toxic and emotionally abusive. She barely calls or texts me or even seems concerned about her only grandchild. Yet she can call & text my fiancé to talk trash about football.

    My 20 year old sister still lives at home with her & it kills me that I don’t have the money or the space to bring her here. My mother drinks to escape whatever problems she believes she has, then she’ll pick a fight with my sister.

    She’ll tell her to get the F out, she doesn’t need her. What kinda parent says that to their child? She use to do the same crap to me which is why I stayed home for so long. I was the buffer between her & my sister, because she’s a nut job & she refuses to accept any responsibility.

    I didn’t mean to dump all of this out but I feel like if I had done better in life, thus wouldn’t be an issue….she’d be with us and my mother can continue to be alone, drunk and miserable



  36.  #36Femininewoman on December 24, 2015 at 5:01 pm

    Awwww ((((((((((((((((Starla)))))))))))))))

    (((((((((((Tee))))))))))))))))))))



  37.  #37Indigo on December 24, 2015 at 10:10 pm

    Starla,

    Do you feel open to sharing with us what the issues are in your relationship, ie. what are the things causing the fights? What are the things which cause the insults and that you feel cause distance between you? If there are major incompatible areas in a relationship, obviously the emotional burden feels much harder to bear.



  38.  #38Azure Blu on December 25, 2015 at 6:54 am

    ((((Starla)))
    I feel sad when you wrote he is insulting…
    That does not seem to me to be good at alll!!!!

    I ditto the questions that Indigo asked…
    Do you feel like you can share with us here?



  39.  #39Azure Blu on December 25, 2015 at 7:00 am

    ((((Tee)))
    That sounds very sad about your mother and sister…
    Does your sister have a job so she can save money to move out? can she look on Craig’s list for room mates in an apt or house?



  40.  #40Dixie on December 25, 2015 at 7:01 am

    Merry Christmas dear Sirens,

    Thank you all for being a source of support, guidance, strength and wisdom this past year. Thank you for just listening when I felt so confused and heartbroken. Thank you for being a solace when I needed it. Thank you for being a tremendous source of inspiration by sharing so openly, offering observations so compassionately, and simply by being here.

    After a lovely night with my family, I woke up sobbing this morning, feeling a wave of massive tears over D, just broken and crying so deeply. Thanks to you sirens, I know that I can accept this feeling as well as love this sensitive part of myself.

    Christmas is meant for love, for the belief in miracles at is very core. I’m sending you all a huge hug today on Christmas. You all have a very special place in my heart. Xx



  41.  #41Azure Blu on December 25, 2015 at 7:02 am

    Merry Christmas Fabulouse Siren Angels!!!
    I hope you spend lots of time with friends and family today!!
    Comfort and Joy to one and all!!!
    oxoxo



  42.  #42Azure Blu on December 25, 2015 at 7:05 am

    Dixie… thank you for your warm vulnerable self!!
    I feel loved!
    I feel sad hearing about your tears over D.
    I know it must be very hard to not be with him during the holidays!!!
    I’m glad you’re with family and friends and Here on Siren Island!
    Have a fantabulous day!!



  43.  #43Starla on December 25, 2015 at 7:46 am

    Thank you ladies. The problem is he feels attacked and frustrated very easily when i try to talk about anything even a little “negative” that’s going on with us. It is an instant fight with him no matter what is going on or how i say it. I started keeping it to myself out of fear of fighting and he would notice I’m a little off and ask what’s wrong, and then boom, instafight even after coaxing me into feeling safe to share when im afraid to. He turns everything into being about attacking him. I feel very lonely and disconnected that he wants me to lose so bad. This man feels like my enemy i will never be good enough for. I seriously keep sharing negative feelings to a minimum now because i used to share them all the time and it was destructive. Its been a few months since i really stopped. I made the mistake of sharing with him that i was sorry because I’ve been seeing what a controlling woman i can be… But ive really worked on it and he has thrown it in my face lately that i know I’m just controlling so he dismisses my feelings and treats me badly during fights. Wtf. I don’t know why he is even with me.

    Right now he is really trying to be less of this way but i am so at the end of my rope and furious that i am not always nice and full of doubts of his love for me. If he let’s me share my feelings and really process with me the things that feel bad between us, instead of flipping the fxck out instantly, and sees that i need his guidance and support not defensiveness, its such a better feeling experience for both of us. But it doesn’t really happen…. My guy’s ego is in his way and i it hurts so bad.

    Please no one tell me to leave him. I have a therapist who can help me decide what’s healthy and it’s not time to leave just yet.



  44.  #44Indigo on December 25, 2015 at 8:47 am

    Starla,

    I wouldn’t dream of telling you to leave him.

    I will say that I have found his reaction to be very normal and typical of the guys I have known. I won’t say whether it’s right or wrong, just that it is.

    I’m not saying I have the answer – I don’t – but men take our happiness very personally, very personally indeed. You can try telling them not to, but it’s mostly no use. They derive so much of their own sense of worth by being able to make us smile, and making us cry is about the lowest they can feel.

    All this is to say that I don’t think your guy is trying to bait you, I think he’s trying to make it better and doesn’t know how. And feeling overwhelmed that he can’t win for losing.

    If it were me, I’d look at these things that are negative, that are bothering me, and try come to terms with them within myself. Try let them go. Not involve him unless it’s something big. There’s got to be a more practical footing on which you either want or don’t want this relationship.



  45.  #45Tee on December 25, 2015 at 9:29 am

    #35 Azure Blue, my sister is currently looking for a job but I think that from living with my mother….she makes you doubt yourself. It’s just terrible & odd.

    I have talked to her about moving out or leaving the state. She has a friend that would love for her to transfer (she’s an art/animation major) to her school in Savannah, Georgia.

    I would hate for her to leave but it would be beneficial. 2 years ago, she did a summer art program where she lived on campus on her own for a month. This is where she met her friend who went to Georgia.

    Initially it made me nervous but I visited her in the city once & she looked absolutely radiant! She looked so happy & free, she even seemed to gain some weight. I was so happy for her that I cried. (I was also pregnant at the time lol)

    But that’s the girl that I want her to be. Happy & free but she’s really worried about money so I’m not sure.

    There are days when things are “ok” between them but of course it doesn’t last. I’ll see her today & see if she’s given it more thought. They’re not talking these days is what she told me when we spoke a few days ago.



  46.  #46Starla on December 25, 2015 at 10:11 am

    Indigo, I guess my ego is in the way too.



  47.  #47BeLoved on December 25, 2015 at 10:17 am

    Starla – turning everything into being about attacking him sounds like what Gay Hendricks calls ‘rushing for the victim position’. I wonder how you respond to this? Will telling the microscopic, inarguable truth diffuse a fight, I wonder? I know it’s tough in the moment to check in and say, “I feel tension in my belly” or “I feel shaking in my chest” or whatever, and, when I have remembered to, it shifts the energy out of “fight” mode.

    Also, moving into curiousity when feeling the fear might unravel that old pattern. Ask, “Hmmm..I wonder what positive new feeling or experience is trying to come through right now?” can create a space for that old “fight” tape to shift.

    I wonder also if it is your approach, I’m wondering whether you have a belief that your negative feelings are unlovable and are unconsciously acting in a way that will assure they aren’t received with love – do you let him know you have difficult feelings to discuss and check in with him whether it is a good time? Dr. Pat Allen has a good script for that but I can’t find it at the moment and I am in a hurry….

    maybe Zara will chime in? She usually has those great references/

    (((Starla)))
    Much love and warm, melty hugs to you, sweetness!



  48.  #48Millie on December 25, 2015 at 11:20 am

    Merry Christmas lovely ladies!!!
    Hope you all are having a wonderful time with your families and special people in your life! I am grateful for all your advice and support this year. Much love



  49.  #49Starla on December 25, 2015 at 4:27 pm

    Beloved, you nailed it.



  50.  #50Millie on December 25, 2015 at 5:04 pm

    I feel so at peace and calm with myself now. M responding to me after so much time has really been a wonderful gift. Last night, I began to feel that rush of anxiety, the sickening sensation in the pit of my stomach when after hours of texting–he finally stopped. I began to feel panicky and reached out with a comment asking if he was already back to ignoring me. He replied No, that he was busy with his family. Of course, it was Christmas Eve. I asked myself why am I feeling this sense of urgency again, allowing this sick feeling to take over once again. A pattern with me… I don’t want to repeat my mistakes. I also truly feel like I have nothing more to seek from him. He gave me the reply I had been seeking for months and now that I have it–why he left– I can allow myself to be free and at peace. Today I cleaned my apartment and came across a Rori affirmation that I printed out. How timely!! It said exactly what I needed to say to myself.

    I forgive you.
    I set you free
    My body is safe no matter how I feel.
    I made the right choice.
    My timing is perfect.
    It’s ok to be sensual, sexual, successful, and satisfied.
    Surrender is letting go of the thought that I can control the situation.
    I forgive myself for ever thinking I’ve done anything wrong.
    I am wiling to receive a man who truly loves me.
    I am fully equipped to release any condition that is no longer appropriate in my life. It is safe for me to do this now.

    Reading this in addition to some of Leigha’s writings, really helped me feel at peace and OK with things being as they are. To give myself permission not to need anything from him anymore.

    When we spoke, he apologized many times and I forgave him. I feel good about forgiving him. Forgiving him relieves me of blame–towards myself and towards him. The past is at peace.

    He also made it clear he wants to have sex with me, to which I replied that I wanted to see him too, but emotionally, I don’t know if I can do a hook-up knowing that it is only that. He does not have the intent of rekindling the relationship as far as I can tell.

    However, I know that feeling good about me, being warm, melty, and gooey, that emotional honey mess that he originally fell for could re-awaken feelings in him. I’m not saying I have an agenda, but I’m saying that I’m willing to be surprised and see what happens while letting go… I have no need to control the situation.

    I feel good about stating where I’m at because if he chooses not to see me, I will have known that I chose me and honored my feelings. I did not acquiesce. I don’t want to agree to something happening, when I don’t know how I will feel once he is in front of me. On one hand, I still feel sexual desire for him too, but I want the opportunity to decide when I feel completely ok with receiving physical pleasure from him. When I know, I will feel ok after wards…

    I feel strongly now that life is like a stream, it is continuous. The water ebbs and flows and “the end” is not as dramatic as it seems. You never really now when the end of anything is, you can only stay centered within yourself and be like a lighthouse, a root, strong, soft, and open to what may come.

    I feel content with receiving his message, with receiving what I so longed to hear even if the surrounding scenario was not ideal. Even if he fell from his pedestal in my heart, if I have to look at him differently now. It almost feels like, now he is just another man…among many. The comparison no longer exists. I am free.

    I am free to be the best version of myself now and let go of all the anger, self-doubt, and despair I held against myself.

    I am free. 🙂



  51.  #51Millie on December 25, 2015 at 10:05 pm

    Ahhhh ok so I was all happy and fine until I told my cousin what happened. And he said that he’s been a bad guy to women before and that he thinks that M thinks that I would be an easy lay because I’ve been texting him since the breakup happened and that obviously I’m hung up, so he jumped to being sexual right away because he thought I would be easy. I feel really upset hearing that and I feel really confused about who M is as a person.



  52.  #52Emerson on December 25, 2015 at 10:38 pm

    I can’t see any of the comments! 🙁



  53.  #53Emerson on December 25, 2015 at 10:40 pm

    Ah now I can, that was strange!

    Anyways Rori I like what you said here…initiating and leaping ahead even when it’s not totally safe and clear….
    Because there are no guarantees in life and sometimes we have to take the chance.. At least…that’s how I Interpret the message…



  54.  #54Indigo on December 25, 2015 at 11:11 pm

    Huh. All the comments have disappeared.



  55.  #55Indigo on December 25, 2015 at 11:17 pm

    Millie,

    I would be really wary of who you confide in about your relationship/guy stuff, especially when you are in a good place. None of us really know for sure what’s going on with M, other people’s opinions are just that – opinions, and they’re guesses at best. M himself might not even truly understand his motivations.

    Go with your instincts. And when in doubt, go with the interpretation of a situation that WORKS for you, helps to move you to a better feeling place. Let other people’s opinions go if it feels bad.



  56.  #56Emerson on December 26, 2015 at 4:48 am

    So weird I can’t see comments unless I write one



  57.  #57Emerson on December 26, 2015 at 9:10 am

    Sirens I hope you all had a nice Christmas.
    I am starting a new journey with myself….I feel winter is inspiring to me for new beginnings…
    Most people think of spring that way…for me it’s more the wintertime….
    I’m feeling refreshed by the cold weather and feeling cleansed by the rain…
    I am choosing to be open to available men and I am choosing to be healthy in my choices for myself…
    I feel confident that I can succeed in all that I want out of life…
    Partially thanks to this blog… And the sirens and Rori!! Thank you,,, much love,
    Emerson



  58.  #58Emerson on December 26, 2015 at 10:51 am

    Hi Starla



  59.  #59Millie on December 26, 2015 at 11:44 am

    Thanks Indigo– unfortunately I think my cousins opinion is right. Part of me does want to see M and just have a fun night of sex… But the other feels prideful and I don’t want him to think he can have me just like that… I will be lesser in his eyes than I already am if I give in I think. Today is going to be hard. I just want to lay in bed all day. Today we had talked about meeting but I haven’t heard from him and don’t think I will. Hoping to go out with another guy tonight, who isn’t really a real prospect but at least I am not invested.



  60.  #60Emerson on December 26, 2015 at 12:01 pm

    6 Millie I hope you don’t kind of I chime in…
    Certainly you can’t know what’s on his mind unless you talk to him directly…other people’s reports of his words or feelings can be skewed or misunderstood at best…or he could have been talking big and not really meant what he said …people do that sometimes and it’s frustrating but anyways…
    I feel best when I hold my boundaries and follow what I really and truly want to do with my time…and kudos to you that you’re going out tonight!!



  61.  #61Emerson on December 26, 2015 at 1:36 pm

    Sirens I feel a mix of emotions sometimes when I think about my age and my accomplishments…proud of my career and I feel grateful for it…
    I also feel shame for not being “successful” in relationships with men and lack of marriage and children!
    I know I don’t like comparing myself with others especially family members, but I find myself doing so especially this time of year when everyone is together.
    It would feel better not to compare myself to others.



  62.  #62Lovergirl on December 26, 2015 at 6:05 pm

    Not sure what’s up but my last post didn’t go through? Was just saying (((Millie))) I’m glad you got some closure, hearing from M.

    I don’t feel like it says anything bad that he wants to have sex with you, just that he’s a guy and he’s still attracted to you and that is what men think of first! I have wondered if maybe there is a possibility he is married, from some of the stuff you posted but I wonder that about guys a lot!



  63.  #63Emerson on December 26, 2015 at 10:33 pm

    14 ((Angie))
    So sorry you’re experiencing this. I am no expert but I would guess that his sex drive issue has much less to do with you and much more to do with his porn problem.
    It feels bad to hear the things he is saying to you!!!
    Just imho for your own peace of mind d that you can’t fix it or spice things up is not your responsibility. This man of yours sounds toxic in this area. Sorry it’s heartbreaking I know.



  64.  #64Zara on December 27, 2015 at 12:55 am

    Angel 14

    Angel, leaning back it´s not work as such. It is relaxing back in your own body, experiencing time as it unfolds through you, giving yourself happiness anyway you like and any time you like. It’s living your life. It is no more work than breathing is.

    It is smiling at him when he looks at you and keeping doing what it is you are doing, with easiness, selfgrounded, not minding him watching you.

    It is wishing him a very good night and nest yourself in your bed, feeling the softness of the sheets, the warmth of the covers, the sensuous of your body, the lazyness delicioulsy taking over each of your cells and fall asleep as light minded as a baby.

    It´s not expecting anything particular from this man, and turn towards other sources of pleasure from yourself, other activies, other people. And receiving with warmth, as an extra bonus from life, what this man feels inspired to give you and take your time to feel the lovely feeling of receiving before you give back to him. And feel the connected feeling inside when you say “thank you”.

    It is smiling at all men looking at you out there, at work, in shops, at the car repair etc… And keeping open to any new suitor Universe might send your way.
    Smiling is work when I abandon myself and expect the outside world to do something about my smile.
    Smiling is light and easy, it becomes part of me, as breathing is, when I smile for the sensuous feeling of feeling smiley, the uplifing feeling of feeling brightened up, the magical feeling of feeling my eyes shining. My smile lights the whole world for me. My smile switches my energy on and reconnects me with the Universe.

    Any good feeling event can come my way when I smile. And while I experience these good feelings, my mind is off the hook and gives me a break about my expectations related to this man. G*d will say about him, and in the mean time I am alive and connected. Who knows, I might even receive from a new man what I want to receive from this man.
    In France we say “It takes a new nail to hammer out the old nail”

    Or I might discover that what I was expecting from this man is not related to what I deep down really want, or this man is not really who I want, hence Universe is keeping us both disconnected for me to turn my smile on and reconnect with myself.

    xxx



  65.  #65Femininewoman on December 27, 2015 at 4:06 am

    Starla I am a big Gay Hendricks fan and love what Beloved has written to you here. What also struck me in your comments is what you have said to your guy about you. When you said you are controlling you branded a picture in his mind. You taught him how to see and treat you. Remember the relationship is a dance and we all make missteps at time. Now you have seen what that created. As Dominique would say bring it all back to you and start saying what you want him to see you as. Things might feel difficult now but I believe he is actually showing you how to be with him. I have also seen Rori write about not sharing the negative. I don’t see anything wrong with not relying on him to help fix the negative. If shared with him as a man he will want to fix it and maybe he feels powerless because of the cycle of fighting. Why not just try telling him because the relationship is important to you, that there is something wrong and you want to try to figure it out yourself?



  66.  #66Femininewoman on December 27, 2015 at 4:34 am

    Millie I saw this year a young man who was currently in a relationship drop the girl to get back with an ex that he left 7 years ago. They went into an instant relationship and started where they apparently left off. I considered her stupid and that the relationship would last. I heard recently that he said that relationship is now in shambles and he has started shooting arrows at the girl he was with when the ex showed back up. They are young people though I believe he is old enough to be standing in integrity.

    My point is that guys experience this type of thing all the time because we women don’t consciously look at our relationship patterns and love consciously. If you really pay attention to Rori’s teaching you would have known somewhere deep down that M would somehow show back up. Why wouldn’t he think you are an easy lay? Why are you making this about you in a negative way? You had great times in that area of the relationship so he has sweet memories/moments which any man would like to relive. He must think you share the sweet memories too. It is very easy for us as humans to want to go to our happy times and relive them if given the opportunity. What is so negative about that?

    Being conscious in our lives requires us to look at more than the sweet memories but to look at the big picture. Ask ourselves the hard the questions. Then make conscious decisions. Would you allow yourself to take him back immediately after 9 months of absence? I mean really that relationship or whatever it was is over. Whatever happens now is brand new. The ball is in your court and the cards are in your hands. It would be great to see him again and would you allow him to court you and date you to see how you feel around him. To see what it is he is offering. To build the sexual tension again. You are the one who will teach him how to treat you. Even if he is a player the power is now squarely with you. You reached out and inspired him to respond. You can let him know that you have a deep seated need to know what actually happened in the relationship. That yes you still have feelings for him some which causes you to feel like a cauldron of emotions that need to be set free and yes talking about things will help you.

    Just because he is offering sex doesn’t mean you have to accept it. It doesn’t say anything bad about him, he is a man. You get to really experience yourself in all this. A few texts is just that. Flirting and words does not a relationship make. It takes time and experience which would need to be rebuilt and now you get to choose consciously. If you are going to meet, meet up in public. Choose a quiet environment where you can really get to talk.



  67.  #67Zara on December 27, 2015 at 4:39 am

    Angel

    Porn addiction leads to boredom. NO MATTER WHO THE GIRL-FRIEND IS.
    It is not related to who you are as a woman.

    The demise of guys by Phillip Zimbardo
    http://www.ted.com/talks/zimchallenge

    The great experiment by Gary Wilson
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

    Make love, not porn by Cindy Gallop
    http://blog.ted.com/cindy_gallop_ma/

    Why I stopped watching porn by Ran Gavrieli
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJ_QfP2mhU

    xxx



  68.  #68Femininewoman on December 27, 2015 at 4:39 am

    *and that the relationship would not last*

    I don’t believe in taking back a man immediately. He needs to work to rebuild trust. Men despise what comes easily is my opinion so when they come back we need to give them reason to see us differently and to respect us more. The guys expect us to get it. And getting it means letting them work/fight for the relationship. That will help them to value you. We all value what we work for, what we pay a high price for.



  69.  #69Femininewoman on December 27, 2015 at 4:43 am

    Hi Angel. Do you live with this man?



  70.  #70Tee on December 27, 2015 at 6:54 am

    #64, Awesome Zara!



  71.  #71Sirana on December 27, 2015 at 8:13 am

    Sirens- thoughts please
    My husband threw his wedding ring in the forest around our house. I am devastated. He said he will find it when he wants to. Last year for Christmas it was our 20 year anniversary and he gave me a necklace instead of the diamond wedding ring wrap he knows I have waited for for years. I made the mistake of telling him this and he took back the necklace and bought the ring. However he tells me he didn’t want to give it to me and now it feels tainted. Now he doesn’t have a ring on his finger which is killing me and my ring feels wrong. Should I take mine off too?



  72.  #72BeLoved on December 27, 2015 at 9:46 am

    Sirana – after being married for 20 years, you probably know this man very well. Do you believe that him throwing the ring was only about you wanting the ring wrap instead of the necklace?



  73.  #73Sirana on December 27, 2015 at 10:26 am

    Beloved- of course not. It is about so much more but I wonder what the strong move is. Keep mine on even though it represents something he didn’t want to give or just wait it out. I think he will eventually find his but it will always feel wrong now.



  74.  #74Femininewoman on December 27, 2015 at 11:59 am

    I just had to share this:-

    “Triggers, I know now, are gifts to show us that we are suffering. They tell us that we need a healing of the heart and a shift in our mind-set. Triggers let us know that we need to recontextualize our ‘stories’ to lift us to higher ground emotionally.”

    After reading it, Arielle Ford wrote this:

    “Crystal Andrus Morissette brilliantly explains how our attempts to bottle up feelings of shame, guilt, blame, denial, fear, and anger trigger us to contract into the smallness of who we become when we aren’t our authentic Self.



  75.  #75Lovergirl on December 27, 2015 at 2:04 pm

    Sirana- I do not have advice but when I read about your husband throwing his ring I feel angry and mistrustful. How about you?



  76.  #76Sirana on December 27, 2015 at 2:43 pm

    Lovergirl- I feel angry but mostly sad. Why do you say mistrustful?



  77.  #77Angie on December 27, 2015 at 3:26 pm

    Emerson 62 Thank you so much for your take on this, it feels good to be understood

    And Zara that explains so much about leaning back can’t wait to practice.

    FeminineWoman 69 Yes, We have been living together for 2 years now.



  78.  #78Millie on December 27, 2015 at 4:42 pm

    Feminine woman– I totally hear what you are saying and if he had been coming back with regret, with a desire to reignite the relarionship I would be thrilled and feel strong to hold my boundaries knowing the desire and willingness is there for him. But to be honest, it doesn’t seem like there is…

    And when we talked about having sex, he said we both know it’s not going to happen… I asked him what he thought would happen and he said probably some slapping, arguing and interrogating. So he wasn’t serious about meeting up and is clearly wanting to avoid any further drama I have, which to be honest I wasn’t planning on doing. If he’s in front of me, I don’t want to spend that time berating him. Talking yes, understanding yes, being in the present yes. But it seems he doesn’t see it that way. He ended saying “time will tell,” so I guess I need to just lean back and let it be. Nothing else to do or say.



  79.  #79Millie on December 27, 2015 at 9:01 pm

    Emerson– thank you it’s true he’s the only one that can tell me what he’s thinking and feeling. And bring open and honest with myself is important too.

    Lover girl– sex is a source of pleasure for me too and it can be confusing when it comes, I didn’t expect how strongly he was suggesting it. I want him in that way too and I always try not to make a man feel bad for wanting it… But when it feels like that’s all he wants… It can lead to negative feelings.

    I really want to work on having softer responses with more feeling messages. In our last conversation I felt my anger rise… Because he seemed to go back on himself. I feel thrilled at the idea of having him back in my life but also scared of what may come.



  80.  #80HeartBeat on December 27, 2015 at 11:56 pm

    FeminineWoman #65- Would you have a reference or article of Rori’s that you would suggest in regards to ‘about not sharing the negative’?
    I felt incredibly interested in your post #21 where you talked about listening carefully to what he has to say and letting him know all that you are there for is to hear him out and at most only sharing with him what you ultimately desire.
    I feel VERY curious to understand why these paths would feel the most supportive and empowering instead of choosing to share a feeling message eg:I feel so anxious etc.

    It would feel amazing to hear someone shine a light on this.



  81.  #81HeartBeat on December 27, 2015 at 11:58 pm

    Also Rori, it would feel wonderful to see a definition of ‘Trigger’. I looked on the glossary page but was unable to find one.



  82.  #82Azure Blu on December 28, 2015 at 4:41 am

    Millie,
    one of the big Rori tools for when a man does come back…
    Creating good moments, unzipping your heart and start creating those authentic, warm hearted moments…
    Showing him the NEW you!!

    From what you have written of his responses to what you all have talked about…
    He *IS* most certainly looking for changes in
    your attitude…
    Leigha, Rori’s coach, (and many of the other coaches)
    have wonderful blog posts on her web site about
    how to prepare your heart for his return…
    Great coaching tips on Your response.
    I agree with FW… To me it is NOT the old relationship.
    This is all brand new from the beginning dating…
    Baby steps…

    If it were me I would share how my heart feels sooo melty hearing from him… (magic making)

    To me it would feel like the perfect opportunity to
    PRACTICE wonderful, magic making
    Feeling MESSAGES!!!

    In my humble opinion…
    when you and him had been texting most of the day
    and then he stopped…
    and your response was… “are you pulling this again”
    He could feel your “old” anger…
    I have found that is the perfect way to push my man away…
    Here is a trigger you have found…
    explore *YOUR* trigger as you LEAN BACK
    and take loving, adoring care of YOU!!!



  83.  #83Indigo on December 28, 2015 at 5:27 am

    Azure Blu 82,

    Whilst in theory I love what you are saying here, and I love what you have been able to create with Spirit this time around, here is where I really, really battle when a man comes back, and I feel so curious to get your take on it, if it’s an issue for you and how you handle it if it is:

    When a man comes back, invariably there was something he did the first time around which caused us to pull apart or the relationship to break down. Yes, there were always things I did too which I could have done differently or improved upon, but as the leader of the relationship the man is often the one setting the tone and I am the one responding. Or even if there is more of a flow in the energy I am still responding to what he is doing or not doing. If it caused a negative or anxious or insecure or just generally uncertain response in me the first time around, which caused me to either pull back or maybe push him away, how on earth can I be sure his behaviour will not be the same this time around, and will not cause the same negative response in me?

    If he was a man who paid me insufficient attention the first time – say he would go for weeks being absorbed in his work or his own hobbies with very little thought for me (this is the type of man I seem to attract and fall in love with) and all the leaning back in the world doesn’t really seem to change this because this is who he IS, and if this is the type of behaviour which causes me to stay up at night feeling anxious and wondering what I mean to him, if anything…. Well then, what DO I do when he comes back around (which he always does, because he still loves me)? I still love him, he loves me, I dearly want it to work, but he neglects me which causes me to feel anxious and angry, well what then? How does giving him another chance help?

    I sincerely want to know because I’d love to be able to crack this one. These are the types of men I fall in love with, and I’d love to know how to make it work, but my triggers around this are too powerful. I can intellectually have all the tools and knowledge in the world, but it doesn’t replace the presence and attention or contact from my man.



  84.  #84Azure Blu on December 28, 2015 at 5:50 am

    Indigo…
    Ahhh… Fabulous Siren,
    I do know what you are saying here…
    The reason I offered my opinion to Millie
    in this way, was because of what I thought I heard
    M looking for (a change in the antagonistic discussions)
    after 9 months…
    as Rori mentions… if we have been learning to LOVE *US* and taking exquisite care of us, and CDing and learning our Feeling Messages in our Fabulous lives…
    the man that is coming back
    WILL notice we are different!

    Which also means… BECAUSE I love ME so much now
    I can let him know (because I don’t have fear of HIS actions or opinions, anymore)
    How my heart is swollen with happiness hearing from him, etc…
    i’d wait for the second or third conversation…
    AND that what I want in a relationship is someone who stays in contact ____ times a day (or week or)
    text, phone calls, seeing each other____ times a week and spending the night ___ times a week…
    I’ve said many times… “This may not work for you, and I understand, but this is what makes me feel loved and cherished in a relationship.”

    I have a CD who contacts me off and on… still wanting to get back together…
    in the summer when he called me and wanted a date… I was VERY clear what had turned me off…
    “I am a very affectionate woman, and You kissed me like I was your sister and we dated for 4 months, you never put your arm around me or showed any affection” He then tried to explain why…
    BUT I don’t want to be with a man who isn’t naturally affectionate…

    I agree…It is VERY important to share, openly but as warmly as possible, what our needs are…
    Letting go of the outcome…

    Spirit was actually willing to step up (I had asked for more contact etc) after breaking up for 2 months and being unpredictable for another 2 months….
    And I never stopped CDing this time around…
    which made me feel much more empowered…
    Does that make since?



  85.  #85Indigo on December 28, 2015 at 6:20 am

    Love it Azure Blu!

    Thank you! This is incredibly helpful. You have cracked the code for me, thank you 🙂



  86.  #86Azure Blu on December 28, 2015 at 6:29 am

    ((((Indigo))))
    Ahhh… most wise and courageous Siren…
    I feel soo excited and sunshiny happy.

    I feel my heart swelling with pride and humbleness
    knowing i could help you!
    oxoxoxo



  87.  #87Femininewoman on December 28, 2015 at 7:33 am

    And the way to live with negative feelings that pushes a man away is to RESIST them.

    The way to live with negative feelings that BRINGS A MAN CLOSER is to FEEL them.

    And that doesn’t just mean just feeling them for a moment and then moving on to something else to distract ourselves…

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/rori-raye-rules/bring-him-closer-this-way/



  88.  #88Indigo on December 28, 2015 at 8:05 am

    Thanks Feminine Woman.

    Are we then also supposed to share them? I know the answer is yes, but I mean, always? What if sharing our triggers with a man and that pushing him away is painful too?



  89.  #89Azure Blu on December 28, 2015 at 8:30 am

    Indigo…
    I feel confused…
    What do you mean by:
    “What if sharing our triggers with a man and that pushing him away is painful too?”



  90.  #90Indigo on December 28, 2015 at 8:38 am

    I mean, what if, when you share a negative feeling with a man, it causes him to say he doesn’t think he can give you what you want/need, and that in itself is painful? To the point that you don’t know whether it’s better to swallow your negative feelings, or share them with him?



  91.  #91Starla on December 28, 2015 at 8:39 am

    I really like what everyone has had to say and it is helping me a lot, thanks.



  92.  #92Azure Blu on December 28, 2015 at 9:03 am

    Indigo#90
    Ohhh… thank you for your explaining!!

    Yeah… but indigo… you don’t want to be with a man who can’t give you what you want, what you need…
    And, anyway, How do you KNOW what his reaction will be?
    Sharing YOUR Feelings…what YOU want in a relationship Brings a man closer!

    It doesn’t always happen right away… But at least you have given him the opportunity to step up
    if he CAN!!!

    Just like Spirit… We were exclusive (last May) for 2 months… he started pulling back and being flaky
    AGAIN…
    I got VERY brave and shared with him what I wanted in a relationship (with a very shaky voice)
    “I want a relationship where we text and talk on the phone almost everyday, we see each other at least 3 times a week and spend the night at least once a week. What do you think.”
    He said that would be good to talk about and then disappeared for 2 months!!!
    and I was heart broken!! Ughhh!!
    But several months later he has been working dilegently to give me all of that and more!!!

    Sooo… at least give them the chance…

    Give YOU the love and respect YOU deserve
    by sharing what makes you happy with a man..

    It is the BEST THING TO DO TO Guarantee
    YOUR HAPPYEVERAFTER



  93.  #93Azure Blu on December 28, 2015 at 9:09 am

    Indigo..
    I must add… that in between Spirit coming back
    and trying to give me everything I wanted…
    there were 2.5 months of me Cding big time…
    NOT being available whenever he called
    cause I was living MY Life…
    and continuing to be MORE and MORE
    specific about what makes me happy…
    AND LOTS of building fun, intimate, connected
    times together!!!
    using ALLL the Rori tools which had become more
    and more second nature cause I was practicing
    with allllll my CDs



  94.  #94Millie on December 28, 2015 at 9:14 am

    Azure– I love what you wrote!! And yes I am reading many posts!! I feel like I’ve already lost him. And I would love to say all those things to him. I was in shock and disbelief hearing from and also afraid that at any moment he would just stop. He ended the conversation with saying we’ll see and to not overthink things. I feel like now I have to do nothing… Although I want to reach out and let him know I have no agenda in seeing him. I want to feel our energies on the present.



  95.  #95Starla on December 28, 2015 at 9:26 am

    This is my first day in a month where I have time to really focus on making myself happy and feel good, but I’m having a hard time finding my momentum to get started.



  96.  #96Indigo on December 28, 2015 at 9:27 am

    I love it, Azure Blu.

    I recently had to share with Bush Boy that it was very painful for me when he came to visit me, we had such a wonderful and connected time together, and then he basically didn’t contact me for a week (except for responding to my message). I had no idea when I was going to see him again, no idea when I was going to hear from him, and it didn’t take me long to realise that I was not ok with that.

    We’ve also decided not to do long distance, which was another opportunity for me to think about what I want/need. I had thought I would be ok with long distance, but then when he shared with me that he would not be able to take enough time off to make it work; and then coupled with the fact that his communication has been so sporadic.. Taking the two things together I realised it would start to get painful and frustrating for me. Not only that but I want a man who WANTS to make it work with me. So, some good realisations there.

    I can feel that he loves me, so I don’t know if he’ll be back. A small voice inside says he will. But anyway, this conversation with you Azure Blu has helped me to get clear that sharing my wants and needs is a good thing. And letting him go when he is not fulfilling them at this time is a good thing too. He lashed out at me when I shared with him, and then pulled away. So it took a certain amount of courage to share with him and essentially to stick to my feelings, but it was a good thing.



  97.  #97Azure Blu on December 28, 2015 at 10:08 am

    ((((Indigo #96))))
    Ohhh, warm hearted, beautiful Siren!!!
    I am sooo sorry to hear this about BB!!
    He lashed out? wowow!!

    How brave and wonderful that you shared your wants and feelings with him!!
    Yes, you are soooo amazing, beautiful, smart and
    warm hearted he’ll come back…

    As you say, always good to find out what you
    DONT want also… I find “long Distance” not what I like either!
    Yes, to gently letting him go… and getting back on your bridge- you never really got off-
    and YOUR WONDERFUL LIFE!!!
    oxoxo



  98.  #98Azure Blu on December 28, 2015 at 10:11 am

    Starla #95
    Maybe letting yourself feel happy is simply
    Letting go
    laying around
    and gently loving your
    Innocent heart!!!
    and eating dark chocolate & raspberry bon bons!!!
    :*>



  99.  #99Starla on December 28, 2015 at 10:42 am

    This has got me thinking of where the line might be between self care and self escapism.



  100.  #100Tee on December 28, 2015 at 11:28 am

    #98 Azure Blue lol sounds good to me



  101.  #101Femininewoman on December 28, 2015 at 1:19 pm

    If he wasn’t unnecessarily nasty or insultive I would take his lashing out as the way he shows his anger. Anger is the one emotion men were socialized to show. The anger can be a good sign of where his heart is. If he is truly not interested he is not likely to get angry.



  102.  #102Starla on December 28, 2015 at 1:22 pm

    FW, you are right. He is basically giving me instructions for how to be with him. I am trying to do the same to him. I wonder if I just gave him the benefit of the doubt and followed his instructions, if all my needs would get met. I need to make sure I am strong enough to leave if my needs truly aren’t being met, otherwise I will just pour my energy into antagonizing him as a means of feeling like my needs have a chance of being met. It does seem that he is happy to meet all my needs however he can, particularly when there’s no power struggle associated with whatever it is. I guess the same goes for me toward him.



  103.  #103Azure Blu on December 28, 2015 at 3:28 pm

    FW #101
    I agree… If he didn’t have quite a bit of feelings he wouldn’t get angry…
    Angry that She is setting boundaries in a Siren way!!
    :-))
    Go Indigo!! he’s bouncing up against himself!!!



  104.  #104BeLoved on December 28, 2015 at 6:27 pm

    Starla – what do you mean, follow his instructions?



  105.  #105Mandy on December 28, 2015 at 6:54 pm

    Ah. I just found out the group manager I’ve been working with for six years has slandered my name because I was sick and didn’t make it to one Meetup.

    And one of my CDs is putting me down for not just picking up everything and moving to his city.

    Also, another one is still giving me hell about my other situations.

    I’ve decided that if it truly feels like anyone i know and should consider a friend is using me or manipulating me in any toxic manner, it’s bye-bye time. I am not getting any younger, and these negative people are really wasting my energy.

    On the plus side…Valentine is awesome. He’s one of the ones who asks me how I’m doing, makes sure to pay as much attention to me as possible, talks to me, says he is proud of me, and how he can see my authenticity.

    I genuinely feel nurtured by this person. I haven’t ever seen such a nurturing man before, except maybe my own father…he’s definitely different, and definitely grounded.



  106.  #106Millie on December 28, 2015 at 7:04 pm

    Do you ladies think I should just lean back and do nothing now? Or send a text… Although I’m not sure what to say… That doesn’t sound too heavy or putting more on him.

    I feel excited at the prospect of seeing but you again.
    I don’t have any expectations of what will or won’t happen.
    I feel open to just being and experiencing the present.



  107.  #107Femininewoman on December 28, 2015 at 7:08 pm

    Starla that sounds like giving to get though. I wonder if your mindset was “we” against the problem if things would change.



  108.  #108Femininewoman on December 28, 2015 at 7:11 pm

    Millie what would you be responding to?



  109.  #109Millie on December 28, 2015 at 7:19 pm

    Femininewoman– it wouldn’t be responding to anything :/
    So I guess there’s my answer.



  110.  #110Mandy on December 28, 2015 at 7:38 pm

    Millie, I always have that urge, to just say hi. I am in a bad habit of it right now and need to break it. I want to get the modern siren again because I didn’t get discs the first time.



  111.  #111Millie on December 28, 2015 at 7:49 pm

    Mandy— yeah and what he loved about me in the beginning is that I did nothing… I didn’t try. So I need to find that vine again. Right now I feel like making something happen. I know that’s why I want to text him. I want to just make seeing him happen. But as he said… Life isn’t over yet.
    I have to be patient and let what happens happen. Even though he talked big and sex… When I flirted back.. He maybe realized he himself wasn’t ready. Or he is scared of me…. Or scared of what will come of this too… All I know is even though he messed up, hurt me, left me, allowing myself to admit that I still see him as possibly my forever man is something I need to come to terms to. I realized that everyone is telling me he’s not. So I think that I need to believe it too, but I don’t really. He’s still a “maybe” in my heart. He’s not a “yes” but he’s not a no… And some people would say he’s a jerk (actually everyone is saying that) but my heart wants to listen to the sirens… Whose knowledge is greater… Who believe in change. Changing me, changing the dynamic…

    I wish I could live up to my own expectations. I wish I could become a success story one day… I want to turn this around and want to believe it’s possible.



  112.  #112BeLoved on December 28, 2015 at 8:50 pm

    I’m wondering if I screwed up..?
    The CD I was supposed to go out with last week, who didn’t get back with me to firm up details…sent me a message, on Tinder, after midnight Saturday night. He said, what happened? You disappeared on me!

    At first, I felt incredibly angry and defensive. I breathed through all of that, and put it way to respond several hours later. I told him, “Of course I disappeared. The last I heard from you was that we would chat the next day, and I didn’t hear from you again so I made other plans.”

    Honest to goodness, I leaned back and felt into feeling like an invitation – and that is what came out..!

    Part of me wonders if I made a mistake in not using a FM and creating a better invitation, and part of me says PFFFFFTTTTT I do not intend to be an invitation to men who want me to come to their house on the 2nd date, who flake and a week later send me messages at bootycall o’clock on TINDER (when he has my phone number and could text or call at a decent hour) and it was perfect, bold and scrumptious.

    I’m actually validation-seeking right now. 😀
    Was it the right thing or not?
    Good or bad?
    Right or wrong?
    Perfect for me or counter-productive?

    At any rate, it feels best to remind myself to get back on my horse and not dwell on it.



  113.  #113Indigo on December 28, 2015 at 11:38 pm

    Beloved 112,

    I think your intuition was right on about this man. And your response was perfectly good.



  114.  #114Indigo on December 28, 2015 at 11:56 pm

    Millie 106,

    “Do you ladies think I should just lean back and do nothing now? Or send a text”

    I think you should just lean back and do nothing.

    And by the way, I totally understand what you mean when you say this:
    “All I know is even though he messed up, hurt me, left me, allowing myself to admit that I still see him as possibly my forever man is something I need to come to terms to. I realized that everyone is telling me he’s not. So I think that I need to believe it too, but I don’t really. He’s still a “maybe” in my heart. He’s not a “yes” but he’s not a no…”

    I still feel this way about D. And I wonder if I always will. What I will say is that it has got a hell of a lot easier – because whereas I used to see him as “definitely my forever man”, for me now it’s kind of “whatever”, and “what will be will be”. I almost don’t really care either way. Not don’t care – am unattached to the outcome. The situation doesn’t hurt me any more. It just really doesn’t matter in the way it once did. There’s still that feeling in my heart, but in the practical, day-to-day, I can get on with my life without this disrupting it.

    And it’s kind of how I’m getting to feel about Bush Boy too. Although it’s still very fresh with him. To be honest, I loved Bush Boy more than D. If I have ever met a man who I felt could definitely be my forever man, it was him. I still feel that way. I still feel as if we are connected by a golden thread wherever he goes and wherever I go, so even though I know I need to let go and hold true to my feelings, desires, standards, boundaries and how I want to be treated, I still go through every minute of every day wondering if he will come back to me. I check my phone every morning wondering if this is the morning I get a text from him. I check his Facebook page every day. I find myself wondering whether he will have changed and matured a year from now, going over and over what I would say to him if he contacted me.

    So yes, basically, I know what you mean. With some men when it doesn’t work out it’s a definite no, and you are able to let them go for good with the minimum amount of hassle. But with some men, they stay in your heart forever, and you really think there is a chance, and that change is possible.



  115.  #115Indigo on December 29, 2015 at 12:05 am

    Feminine Woman 101,

    I agree with you. I saw this phenomenon with D over and over again. He’d get angry with me over and over again, and it was written all over his face that the anger was a sign he was trying to please me somehow or making some sort of an effort and it wasn’t working.

    I know for a fact Bush Boy was invested in me, and probably still is. He WOULD have contacted me eventually and come to see me again, of that I have no doubt – but he wanted to do it 100% on his terms, and if I read the subtext of what he said to me, that is what he was saying to me. He told me he found my text where I told him about my feelings being hurt that I hadn’t heard from him to be “very clingy”. This is what I mean by him lashing out. I feel like he was angry with me for “ruining” what we had by implying that he was doing something wrong by not contacting me, and I also feel like he was withdrawing to a cold place where his guard was up over his heart, and he “didn’t care so much”. Common coping mechanism for men, from what I have seen.

    Anyway, there is a lesson in this for me.



  116.  #116Dixie on December 29, 2015 at 6:03 am

    Ahhhh, Sirens, the discussion rings true for me!

    Millie, I agree with Indigo: lean back and breathe. If/when you do see M, this might be a great time to practice sinking into your feelings, trusting your boundaries, choosing your words, and being open to being surprised! And I agree with FW, this is a “fresh start” – yay!

    Indigo- yes, the anger that men show, I’ve noticed, is when they feel challenged in their ability to “show up” for a woman, be it doing a house chore (when we don’t think they’ll get around to it, lol), or if they think their efforts are not appreciated or substantive enough. I’ve learned to see this response even in my dad! But the lean back tool, while being appreciative has helped. It’s so easy for them to feel “blamed” that they then shut down right away (my dad again!) Now that I see this, it’s easier to navigate those situations with understanding.

    112- Beloved, I remember getting this type of response from similar types of men and in the end, it just made me feel frustrated and annoyed. I remember once just telling the man flat out that the late night text felt intrusive… Eventually, i just stopped responding…. And better men showed up.



  117.  #117BeLoved on December 29, 2015 at 6:18 am

    Dixie and Indigo – I’m giggling, THANK you for the validation 🙂



  118.  #118Dixie on December 29, 2015 at 6:55 am

    As for things here, I am trying to stay centred although feeling a little hopeful inside….

    After Christmas, I broke down in tears of frustration and confusion and contacted D via email, essentially saying that I was past anger and confusion, but just felt tired of trying, that although I still felt love and affection for him, I was just giving up because this retreating felt too painful. In my imagination, I was completely letting go and I didn’t think I would ever hear back.

    He called immediately….. I don’t want to talk about it too much right now Sirens, I just need to process and relax. He said he still loves me, and wants to see me in person to talk and explain, that his feelings haven’t changed at all. The conversation was honest and intimate; no flirting, just sharing. He sounded so caring and apologetic and this time….. He didn’t get angry. He said he could see things from my perspective, and could understand my feelings. So, that is tomorrow. My heart feels happy and cautious, and I feel grounded in myself. I want new patterns in this relationship and this starts in my heart 🙂

    In the meantime, I’ve been asked out for NYE by a man I met two years ago- definitely not attracted to him, but I helped him out in a bookstore. He was new to the country, and in his 20s, and I was in contact with him to help him practice his English. So, I don’t know. It’s not romantic at all, but sort of interesting at least.



  119.  #119Indigo on December 29, 2015 at 6:58 am

    Dixie,

    I get all of this, but how, HOW did you do it? If what the man was doing was not contacting you after you’d had sex for the first time? If he was simply absent in his ability to be there for you in any way whatsoever (I should add that my mom went into hospital for an emergency procedure at this same time, and that it was Christmas, AND he hadn’t got in touch), how do you keep it together? How do you not reach out, how do you not blame him when what you feel is abandoned and alone?



  120.  #120Femininewoman on December 29, 2015 at 8:10 am

    Wow Indigo did Dixie share all that info?



  121.  #121Tee on December 29, 2015 at 8:34 am

    #118 Dixie

    “I want new patterns in this relationship and this starts in my heart.”

    So true, I love that. Thanks for sharing



  122.  #122Turquoise on December 29, 2015 at 9:02 am

    Hi Sirens,

    I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas/holiday season if you are celebrating.

    My take on the feelings/emotions and sharing… is that no one is responsible for my feelings and happiness, but me. It’s all my choice. It’s my choice to stay in relationships with men/friends/family that cause negative feelings and reactions. Talking about it can help, but often I’ve found that sometimes people just conflict. Even under the best of circumstances… they don’t or wont, communicate in what I fell is a positive or healthy way. It took a lot of years to stop blaming others for making me unhappy. It’s my responsibility to take care of myself. Learning to share feeling messages did help drastically. But also, by taking care of my own feelings and emotions, I wasn’t oversharing or trying to give the responsibility to someone else, to make me feel better. That often just led to an argument. The person I fight most with is my ex husband. I’m just not a fighter. Every few months he and I would get into it…. that has lessened greatly, and I share how I feel. I don’t yell, when he starts talking about everything else that I ever did wrong or he gets nasty…. I tell him how that makes me feel or I end the conversation before it escalates. I know that’s not the same as an argument with someone you are in a romantic relationship with… but it’s been my most volatile… so to see the growth, I’m relieved. He recently shared with me that he thought our divorce was bad, but hearing and seeing what others go through, he knows ours wasn’t. He reached to give me a hug at Christmas. I no longer feel any pangs of wanting or desire, or even what if’s. I can honestly say, that after 21 years in my life… I’m free of it. It still feels a little sad now and again, but mostly I feel relieved. Knowing my future is clear and open… that he seems happy, is building better relationships with our girls… that’s all I need there.

    I’m pleased to share that Someday is stepping up more and more. It’s gradual…. he’s definitely been hurt a lot and had some terrible relationships, but I’m seeing him more, for long periods of time… and he’s opening up. I’m open to seeing where things go, but not sure I feel a connection strong enough to fall in love…. but I’m open. I was supposed to have dinner with my friend on Sunday, but he had to cancel due to his kids. We had lunch last week though and it was fun to catch up. He hugs me, I hear from him a few times a week, but he doesn’t try more. I’m definitely ok with that. I wouldn’t want to risk our friendship. at least not now.



  123.  #123Indigo on December 29, 2015 at 9:03 am

    Feminine Woman,

    I feel confused, what do you mean?



  124.  #124Indigo on December 29, 2015 at 9:08 am

    Turquoise,

    I like it.



  125.  #125Femininewoman on December 29, 2015 at 9:19 am

    119 Indigo. I thought Dixie and D were together for a while your comment suggest he disappeared after sex for the first time.



  126.  #126Femininewoman on December 29, 2015 at 9:20 am

    Lilybelly how are things?

    I hope you are okay.



  127.  #127Lilybelly on December 29, 2015 at 9:46 am

    Awww, thank you, FW.

    I am doing well, taking care of myself. I did end up having to go see a Dr. to help with my emotions and I am now leveling off. I have even had moments of happiness and joy. lol

    I sincerely hope you and yours had a lovely Christmas and I wish you all a very Happy New Year.



  128.  #128Millie on December 29, 2015 at 9:51 am

    Thanks Indigo and Dixie– i guess leaning back is never the wrong answer because it gives room for the truth to surface… In ourselves and in their action or lack of it. I hope he does decide to see me.



  129.  #129Lilybelly on December 29, 2015 at 9:55 am

    Millie,

    Lean back, there is nothing to do here. Take care of yourself and move forward.

    xoxo



  130.  #130Indigo on December 29, 2015 at 9:59 am

    No no Feminine Woman, I was referring to my situation.



  131.  #131Azure Blu on December 29, 2015 at 10:00 am

    Millie…
    YES YES!!! i totally agree with Lilybelly!!!
    NOTHING For you to do but
    learning to LOVE you more…
    Believe ME- it’s the biggest and best task!!



  132.  #132Azure Blu on December 29, 2015 at 10:02 am

    LiLybelly
    Great to hear from YOU!!!
    So glad the Dr. was such a great help!!
    oxoxo



  133.  #133Azure Blu on December 29, 2015 at 10:03 am

    Millie,
    don’t forget… Rori says -Leaning Forward *IS*
    pushing him away!!!



  134.  #134Lilybelly on December 29, 2015 at 10:08 am

    Thank you so much, Azure. xoxoxo

    Honestly, it was not easy to admit to needing a bit of help but I am now so happy I did and took those steps forward. And the good news is, I don’t feel numb..but have noticed that the tears don’t come anymore. I am okay with that for the time being. 😉

    Sometimes, we just need a bit of extra help. I am not in my head so much and the anxiety has lessened a lot. This is all good stuff. It allows me to focus on me more.



  135.  #135Azure Blu on December 29, 2015 at 10:15 am

    ((((Lilybelly)))))
    Wonderful to hear and I can feel your relief in your words!!!

    about 10 years ago I almost lost my mind after the death of my fiance…
    Only by the wonderful help from my therapist and the anti depressant Wellbutrin did I keep from a total melt down!! Took it for 3 years and it was a life saver!!!
    Brava YOU!!



  136.  #136Azure Blu on December 29, 2015 at 10:19 am

    Sirens,
    Random thoughts for a Tuesday…
    Not sure who wrote this:

    “People only explain and
    keep on explaining or even justifying boundaries
    that they don’t believe in.
    It is time to start believing in what you already know
    – relationship insanity and the fact that certain types of behaviours and relationships
    don’t work for anyone.”

    “When you do try making a case for why they shouldn’t be doing something
    and why you shouldn’t be putting up with it
    and pacing your relationship courtroom
    laying out your argument.
    All someone, that would show up to a relationship with shady carrying-on does is deny it.
    Claim their version of things is correct,
    or even make out like you’re the one with the problem.”



  137.  #137Indigo on December 29, 2015 at 10:32 am

    Azure Blu,

    I tend to agree with this.

    I also agree with what Turquoise had to say that our feelings are only our responsibility, and only we can decide how we are going to handle them and act on them.

    The piece you quoted sounds like Natalie Lue from Baggage Reclaim.

    It’s a tough lesson to learn – that you can’t convince someone to behave better by sharing your feelings with them, or sharing how their behaviour affects you. Some people might change because they want to, or care enough, but many won’t.



  138.  #138Dixie on December 29, 2015 at 10:47 am

    Sirens,

    I love all the discussion here and I had good chat with my mom…. But my head feels like it’s swimming right now so I’m going to be back in a couple of days…

    I love your concern and protectiveness….

    Indigo, D. and I have been together for a while now, and although I definitely felt upset and angry and confused at his silence when my dad was in the hospital…. It was just easier to let go of all of it after a while. The only reason I felt so upset and pained is because in the past, he has been so loving and supportive. Had I not seen this side of himself when he chose to share it, I don’t imagine I would feel so tenderly.

    As for feeling abandoned and alone, yes, I felt that way. I didn’t feel like sharing those feelings with him at the time because I couldn’t trust myself to NOT be attempting to control the outcome. I didn’t want to put my heart in that position so it felt safer to share here, with my friends, and just talk aloud in my pillow :).

    As for “blaming” him for my feelings, well, his actions definitely stirred up my triggers, but I don’t feel good blaming someone for how I feel. I felt awful at times, in a slump, but it was honestly better for me to learn to look after myself, choose my feelings, moment to moment sometimes, than lash out.

    Part of me always tries to be empathetic but the challenge for me is to trust my boundaries now. I like that he wants to explain and share what’s happening with him… I like that he wants to do this in person. I don’t want to rush into an intimate moment at all – it’s the last thing right now- I just want to listen, then see how I feel about going forward, if at all.

    This is a huge step for me, to respect my own boundaries. I love him and I do trust that he loves me. Its like when Rori used Cuddy and House as an example: once Cuddy knew that House really loved her, it was easier for her to decide whether that was enough. He could only offer what he was able to, and even though she loved him, she had to do what was best for her.

    Ds admitting that he loves me, that his feelings haven’t changed, don’t erase the hurt. But I get to choose now based from a place of feeling loved, rather than holding onto hurt and anger and that means so much to me.



  139.  #139Dixie on December 29, 2015 at 10:51 am

    The only visual I can come up with is this: instead of staying in the rowboat while the man decides to not pick up the oars, I’ve hitched my skirt and stepped out of the boat, into the water, to get along my way.

    D wants to talk about getting back in the boat, but knowing that I can get across any old way I want means I get to decide whether this is something I want.



  140.  #140Indigo on December 29, 2015 at 11:10 am

    Dixie,

    I like it, and this is how I feel. I like that you used the analogy of Cuddy and House that Rori mentioned, because I think it’s pretty apt in my situation. Both when I think of D, and of Bush Boy. I know they both loved me. I just do. They would not have gone anywhere if I was prepared to just accept what they offered.

    But the honest, honest truth is that I could not. My inner drive telling me what I need was far too powerful. I know I can make my own way across the lake – I don’t want to, but if the man I am with cannot take me there, then I feel compelled move on without him. It hurts me to do this, because I love him, but if he is dilly dallying and not picking up the oars, then ultimately I do need to take care of myself.

    It’s just doing it from that gentle place of trusting my boundaries and not doubting myself which is the challenge for me. There is definitely a part of these men who would like me to stay in the boat and just wait while we don’t go anywhere for weeks and months at a time. But can I do that? No, I don’t think so.

    Trusting that I am loved, and yet respecting my own boundaries – wow. That would be a huge step for me. And NOT making him responsible for me being unhappy with what he is providing. Wow. Even bigger step for me.



  141.  #141Dixie on December 29, 2015 at 12:43 pm

    “Trusting that I am loved, and yet respecting my own boundaries – wow. That would be a huge step for me. And NOT making him responsible for me being unhappy with what he is providing. Wow. Even bigger step for me.”

    This has been a HUGE step for me too…. I know this in my heart: that this has taught me to respond in a non-blaming way, and I feel pretty certain that is why D responded the way he did.

    In any case, no one is on the hook for my own happiness except me



  142.  #142Millie on December 29, 2015 at 6:48 pm

    Ok ladies… I’m going to do what I should have done a long time ago… Self love boot camp. I’m going to read my Rori notes everday as much as it takes. Listen to Leigha and Dominique. Bath myself in honey and look at myself in the mirror..repeat affirmations. 2016 is my year. To change from the inside out. So I can truly be a queen and attract my king. I know you have all shared some amazing tools with me, which I’m sad to say I didn’t practice as consistently as I should have. If you have any more or care to repeat… Please feel free to share. Today I am doing this. I am committed.



  143.  #143Millie on December 29, 2015 at 7:22 pm

    I wonder how Andrea is doing? I miss her poetic and strong siren voice.



  144.  #144Tee on December 29, 2015 at 7:30 pm

    #142 Millie,

    I’m with you! I was just writing notes for myself about this very thing before I stopped by here 🙂

    While I’m engaged, I can still learn to communicate better with my manly man & let him off the hook by taking care of myself, my happiness for the first time in a very long time

    Long overdue



  145.  #145Azure Blu on December 30, 2015 at 7:46 am

    Ahhh… the Gentle, Loving Power of Siren Island
    I love the discussion going on right now…

    Dixie… I do so love this visual
    “while the man decides to not pick up the oars, I’ve hitched my skirt and stepped out of the boat, into the water, to get along my way. ”
    This time period, when women wore skirts long enough to “hitch up”… always feels VERY romantic to me!!! :-))

    I think that is what I am doing with Spirit…
    We havn’t spoken or text in 4 days…
    Although I know he has stepped up and made me feel VERY loved and adored…
    as Dixie said… I know he LOVES ME
    But is what HE is offering… what I want?

    Not sure if what RM is offering is what I want either…

    BUT I am sure loving MY life with ME!!!
    :-))
    and yes… letting them both “off the Hook”
    because MY Happiness and MY EXQUISITE care is ALL up to ME!!



  146.  #146Tee on December 30, 2015 at 8:22 am

    Just venting. I keep forgetting that I have the power

    I keep forgetting that I am easily upset because I’m still attached to the outcome, I’m still attached to how He feels instead

    I keep forgetting so many things lol

    I’m noticing that my anger/frustration/ego wants to lean forward

    I keep forgetting that I don’t have to follow anyone’s pace but my own

    I need to listen to myself more but I’m seeing that in moments of my feeling overwhelmed, I think I go along just to get along

    Mostly it’s just so that I can stop feeling overwhelmed

    Baby steps I know but sometimes I feel like I want to go back to my old ways….I wanna yell & rage

    Why? Not sure, maybe because I feel like it’s Doing something

    I don’t know. I just feel out of sorts right now and I think it could because again. …I allowed my thoughts about my fiancé & what’s up with him…get to me

    And it’s not even anything special ugh



  147.  #147Azure Blu on December 30, 2015 at 8:24 am

    Turquiose,
    Love what you wrote here:
    “My take on the feelings/emotions and sharing…
    is that no one is responsible for my feelings and happiness, but me.
    It’s all my choice. It’s my choice
    to stay in relationships with men/friends/family that cause negative feelings and reactions. “



  148.  #148Millie on December 30, 2015 at 8:46 am

    So last night I deleted M’s phone number and all the texts. Out of site out of mind. And it would prevent me from re-reading them. I was thinking too that if his the one… It wouldn’t be this hard. I want a willing man. My beliefs are going to change. The universe wants love to come to me.



  149.  #149Azure Blu on December 30, 2015 at 9:29 am

    ((((Millie))))
    I soooo AGREE
    Yes… the universe does want love to come to *YOU*!!
    not the other way arround



  150.  #150Azure Blu on December 30, 2015 at 9:33 am

    Tee #146
    Yes… the outcome is Sooo difficult to let go of…
    an ongoing self talk of mine….
    How *HE* feels is soo much easier/interesting for me to work on than myself!! :-))

    BUT- I’m getting better at being wonderfully interested in MY feelings!!!
    it really is the path to letting go of the outcome…
    Cause I LOVE *ME* FIRST!!!



  151.  #151Lilybelly on December 30, 2015 at 10:40 am

    Ladies,

    I got to work this morning and received a call from the boyfriend of the woman my husband is cheating on me with.

    He said that he sent me all the proof I needed and said I should go to the post office because I needed to sign for it. The contents were vulgar and way more proof than I needed but I feel grateful. And relief.

    I made a scene at their work. I regret that but not really. They humped in my bed while I was on a work trip to England.

    Where do I go from here?



  152.  #152Lilybelly on December 30, 2015 at 10:45 am

    Yes, they work together.

    I want to be filled with grace and not say hateful things but this is only confirmed for a few hours and I am devastated
    …but not really feeling, if that makes sense..

    Anger. I feel red, hot, raging anger.

    And honestly, I feel like I am going to get my life back. How weird is that?



  153.  #153Lilybelly on December 30, 2015 at 10:57 am

    142:

    Millie, me too!



  154.  #154Lilybelly on December 30, 2015 at 11:39 am

    I wish someone was here..



  155.  #155Millie on December 30, 2015 at 11:48 am

    Lily belly — wow! I can’t imagine the feelings you must be feeling right now… Big huge hug to you! From the depths of my heart



  156.  #156Lilybelly on December 30, 2015 at 11:59 am

    Thank you, Millie. Means a lot to me.



  157.  #157CurvySiren10 on December 30, 2015 at 12:08 pm

    Lillybelly, I am here…lurking and rarely post, but my heart goes out to you right now. I like your idea of maintaining grace while also feeling all the red hot anger you need to feel.

    I am not sure where you go from here, other than doing what YOU feel like doing, feeling whatever you need to feel and carrying on with your life. The life you WILL get back….that’s not a weird thing to realize right now. Suddenly everything is clear because you know what is going on and you can make decisions accordingly.

    Sending you a TON of love and hugs!! xoxoxo



  158.  #158Starla on December 30, 2015 at 12:08 pm

    Lilybelly, what on EARTH? Wow. What a relief. Were you seriously going to spend the rest of your life trying to talk yourself into trusting this person? Maybe…. so I feel like this came just in time. The universe is a kind one, it’s picking you up off this path and moving you to safety.



  159.  #159Lovergirl on December 30, 2015 at 12:26 pm

    Lillybelly-

    Wow! So sorry you are going through this. It’s good you have proof, its good you KNOW and now you can feel that red hot anger to the point where it pushes you to do what you need to do! ((hugs))



  160.  #160Lovergirl on December 30, 2015 at 12:27 pm

    Millie 148-

    That was a brave step deleting M. Congrats to you!



  161.  #161T-Girl on December 30, 2015 at 12:32 pm

    Omg Lillybelly. Are you still seeing the Dr? I know that helped me a lot when I was going through something similar with my ex. Not only for mental support, but to make a plan on paper (finances and stuff) showing that I was going to be ok. (((Hugs))))



  162.  #162Lovergirl on December 30, 2015 at 12:33 pm

    Today S texted me. I feel so scared to hope that he is coming around but a big part of me wants to hope that. We haven’t seen each other in 6 months. I still love him every bit as much as I did before. I know I don’t NEED him at this point, but I still really miss having him in my life. I didn’t hear from him on Christmas and I spent a couple nights ago crying over him again. I just miss him.

    Anyway, this is all he said:

    S: I’m at the XXXX and there is a chick here that looks like she could be your sister!

    Me: Oh yeah?

    S: Yeah and it’s very weird because her mannerisms and the way that she walks is very much like you too.

    Me: Too funny

    Nothing since then and as you can probably see I’m keeping my responses short. It makes me wonder though, what is going through his heart and mind that he keeps contacting me, even now.



  163.  #163Lilybelly on December 30, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    I’m not sure HOW to maintain grace.. That’s my problem right now.

    I want to lash out, use all my ugly words and spew my anger at him. But, maybe, it just isn’t worth the time, energy or damage to myself.

    I loved him heart and soul. 🙁

    It is just starting to hit me, that everything I thought was my life, and going to be my life, isn’t. All the plans and all the fun
    …all of it is gone. We did have some good times.

    Now, I’ll be a twice divorced woman.



  164.  #164Lilybelly on December 30, 2015 at 12:39 pm

    Tgirl,

    I am seeing a regular DR. For the antidepressants but not a therapist yet,

    Finances are what terrifies me so much.



  165.  #165Tee on December 30, 2015 at 12:42 pm

    #150 Azure Blue

    Lol yes working on my fiancé is more interesting somehow

    Gotta change that



  166.  #166T-Girl on December 30, 2015 at 12:45 pm

    Lillybelly please dont give yourself that identity. 🙁 I did the same thing – gave myself the identity of divorced woman, but the only person who realized that identity was me. He was fighting with guilt all this time, NOT PTSD. You deserve better.



  167.  #167T-Girl on December 30, 2015 at 12:47 pm

    I bet if you make a plan and put your finances on paper so you can visually see it you will be ok.



  168.  #168Lilybelly on December 30, 2015 at 12:52 pm

    He doesn’t feel guilt the way normal people feel guilt.



  169.  #169Femininewoman on December 30, 2015 at 1:32 pm

    Lilybelly I wish Dominique was here for you. I am going to tell you don’t speak on his behalf. At the end of the day you really don’t know for sure that he doesn’t feel guilt. The important thing is can you live with this knowledge and the possibility of reoccurrence in the future. He is responsible for his actions. You are responsible for your life. So your focus is now what and my life. Think about all the times of agony you have been through worry about yourself and him. Now power is in your hands. I am not sure worrying about finances will bring peace of mind. Peace is what is most important to me. How about you. Just know we are here with you and for you. You will not fall apart. Cry and grieve maybe but your life can get better and stronger



  170.  #170Femininewoman on December 30, 2015 at 1:34 pm

    How to maintain grace. Maybe just put down the evidence where he can see it and go about planning your life, until he brings up the topic. With the evidence it should be hard to deny.



  171.  #171Femininewoman on December 30, 2015 at 1:37 pm

    Yayy you Millie.



  172.  #172Tee on December 30, 2015 at 1:39 pm

    (((LB)))

    I’m sorry this is happening



  173.  #173Femininewoman on December 30, 2015 at 1:41 pm

    Lovergirl it is normal to contact our friends, even if it is once in a while. We all do it. I wouldn’t encourage you to put any meaning to a text



  174.  #174Lovergirl on December 30, 2015 at 1:56 pm

    Femininewoman, we aren’t “friends”. I told him that months ago and haven’t seen him since. We’ve had very minimal contact since then, even over text.



  175.  #175Lilybelly on December 30, 2015 at 2:17 pm

    Thank you, all.

    FW, I wish Dominique were here too.

    You all are comforting to me.



  176.  #176Lilybelly on December 30, 2015 at 2:24 pm

    The one thing I do know, and FW, you touched on this.

    I can lay my head down and sleep at night without wondering what I did to cause this..or ask myself all the questions the cheated on partner typically asks. I did not do anything or not do anything to cause his cheating and lying on and to me.



  177.  #177Millie on December 30, 2015 at 3:02 pm

    OMG I just had an epiphany!!!!! Well, you ladies probably already know this–but I didn’t!!!

    I was just reading a post of Leigha’s (I’m at home today) and she says this:

    “When we feel resistance to how life is showing up all the time, it builds up in the cells of our bodies and we actually become less attractive physically and our energy repels what we really want because we’re not a “match” to it.”

    And I thought to myself–well if I am constantly in a state of longing for something to enter my life, that means I’m unhappy with what I have, it’s not enough. If I’m unhappy with what the universe is giving me, then if it were to deliver a man who could be right for me, I wouldn’t see it!!!!! Because I’ve trained my attitude to be a certain way, I’m not receptive to what’s in front of me…I’m too focused on what isn’t there to see what is! So even if he were to show up–I’d still be trapped in my own negative reality. I feel like I’ve read that before but never really GOT it. It works the other way around too…he won’t see me!

    Wow that makes SO much darn sense!!!! Ahhhh so much sense.

    And thank you Femininewoman and Lovergirl for the support!!!! I feel so relaxed honestly, after deleting him. I thought it would trigger regret, but I don’t regret it at all! “It is ok to let go of what isn’t serving you anymore.”

    Wow, my cheeks are tingling and blushing!



  178.  #178Lovergirl on December 30, 2015 at 3:15 pm

    Yay Millie!! 🙂 I love the insights you shared too. It s eye opening to realize how everything works.



  179.  #179Lilybelly on December 30, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    That was great to read, Millie. And, congrats on deleting that number and text messages.

    Powerful action on your part.

    xoxo



  180.  #180Millie on December 30, 2015 at 3:28 pm

    Lover girl–Thank you!!! I’m glad you are sharing on my joy!! I think S texting you shows you are in his thoughts. It’s clear he still thinks about you even though you are not together.

    I’m posting a lot today because I’m home..
    But I was thinking too that normally I would be in a downwards spiral right now, beating myself up over M not wanting to see me. Yes it’s painful and yes I miss him, but if I could choose to feel sad and moarn, or choose to chalk this up to experience and say goodbye to a great memory that will never return in order to attract something better into my life, I choose the latter. I choose the unknown. If letting this go means I have a greater chance of really having what I want, I’m doing it! Yay so liberating!!!



  181.  #181BeLoved on December 30, 2015 at 4:29 pm

    Lilybelly – yes, yes yes THIS: “I can lay my head down and sleep at night without wondering what I did to cause this..or ask myself all the questions the cheated on partner typically asks. I did not do anything or not do anything to cause his cheating and lying on and to me.” When I read about your discovery I felt my stomach drop and my heart well up with compassion. May you continue to feel supported and comforted and stand in your courage. Big hugs to you.



  182.  #182Lilybelly on December 30, 2015 at 4:51 pm

    Ohh, thank you BeLoved.
    I really appreciate the support from all of you.



  183.  #183Tee on December 30, 2015 at 7:26 pm

    Maybe something has been brewing for a while but I kinda blew up at my mom & fiancé. It’s like they have no sense of responsibility. I kinda feel like it maybe wasn’t a huge deal but I responded like it was.

    They went out drinking when Fiancé was supposed to be playing a game with the family. I was upset so I cursed them both out & told them to leave.

    Yup, put my mother out of her own house. It’s just the principle of it.
    Tired of being the only “good, responsible” person all the time.

    Of course it seems like no one cares still. I just played a board game with my sister to help take my mind off things. Didn’t work too well.

    I hate caring sometimes. Sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it. I just wanna retaliate. I let my son run loose & draw all over her furniture with a pen. If she doesn’t care about how I feel, then I don’t care about how she feels either. Have fun kid.

    I’ve been silent and just ignoring my fiancé since they’ve returned. No smile, no eye contact, nothing. He hates being ignored, yeah….me too buddy, suck it up!



  184.  #184Millie on December 30, 2015 at 7:35 pm

    Tee, is it a usual occurrence for your fiancé to go out with your mother?



  185.  #185Femininewoman on December 30, 2015 at 7:40 pm

    “A great truth about men and marriage: No man wants to enter into a lifetime commitment with a woman when he sees their relationship as one of frequent conflict.

    A verbal ultimatum is a major conflict in a man’s eyes.

    To a woman, it may seem that she’s asking for what she wants. To a man, it can seem like an argument over “the rest of their lives.”



  186.  #186Tee on December 30, 2015 at 7:48 pm

    #184 Millie, thanks for bringing me back to reality. Actually no. Im gonna say it’s maybe a once every other month thing. Based on this, I overreacted. It’s just that my mom had already been drinking. My fiancé said he’d play a game with us (me and my sister) so I felt like his going with my mother was apparently more important to him.

    He knew I was pissed so he initially declined going with my mom & playing the game as well. So during this time, my mother couldn’t find her keys so we spent a good 15 minutes (my curse out period) looking for the tipsy woman’s keys.

    So I was like Both of y’all can leave. I said a few curse words, my sister said MF’er as well.

    Actually, I think my mother prefers my fiancé to me. She texts him more, seems to talk to him more, etc.



  187.  #187Millie on December 30, 2015 at 8:08 pm

    Tee,
    I don’t have much relationship experience, and I’m sure your family dynamics are very different than mine, but I would feel really weird if my mom was texting my bf on a regular basis, and egging him to go out and drink with her… I don’t know the history here… But I’m wondering if your mom has some boundary issues?? It makes sense that he would want to please both you and her… But she shouldn’t be putting him in that position. I feel like a mothers primary concern should be for her daughters happiness. Let me know if I’m off base here… Like I said I don’t know the history here.



  188.  #188Millie on December 30, 2015 at 8:26 pm

    Here come the negative feelings… Oh no here they come. Sinking into them, sinking…. Feeling tears behind my eyes… No I don’t want to cry… I don’t want to cry for a man who isn’t present… I don’t want to think about his body…his muscles… So carved with intent… Building buildings…. His career is so sexy… No… I will not fall into this… I will not let myself obsess… I don’t want to… I feel alone… But I’m not alone…the universe and so many people care about me.. Want me to find the love I deserve… No I will not cry anymore. Each tear, each thought.. Is not serving me. Oh but his body next to mine… How good that would feel… Oh but think of how badly you’d feel after.. Once he’s gone again. He said not to overthink things…. I want my mind to quiet, my longing to quiet. It will…it will. Why doesn’t he want to see me? That is his business, it’s not for me to know.. Oh but the tears are coming again. I won’t let them, sink into it, but don’t cry. Enough tears for this man. Do you think he is crying, longing…. No. I have to not care. Not care…. He is gone. Room is being made in my heart. The space needs to clear.



  189.  #189Tee on December 30, 2015 at 8:38 pm

    #187 Millie, agreed. I think that my mother operates in a similar way as a man. She’s very much into sports and bar-hopping so I’m guessing that she feels comfortable & “safe” with my fiancé. They tend to talk trash alot with each other & now that I think about it, when he does come to visit with us, she almost always takes him out to drink.

    My relationship with my mother is complicated. She’s a narcissistic & she probably should not have had children.
    She thinks only of herself mostly.
    So she could care less about my happiness or unhappiness. She barely calls or texts me or her grandchild.

    Long story short, she’s just toxic.
    However, my little sister (she’s 20) still lives at home so when I visit it’s mostly for her. My fiancé works a crazy schedule so he doesn’t always visit when we (me and the baby) do.

    My mother tends to be out of line but she’s not mature enough (and she’s like 57 or so) to acknowledge when she’s in the wrong. She deflects, cries or flat out curses at you if you even try to get her to see her fault in anything.

    My sister & I become more & more done with her as each day passes.

    Thank you for getting me to possibly see my fiancé’s side. I feel embarrassed a little lol and wondering if maybe I need to come here first before I speak to him lol

    I hate to think of anyone as a lost cause but sometimes…it is what it is



  190.  #190BeLoved on December 30, 2015 at 9:03 pm

    I had a Good Date tonight.
    Yay for me. I felt like my instincts were right on with this one. It wasn’t OMG THE BEST FEELINGS EVERrrrrr, there was some awkwardness and discomfort…and…it felt real and genuine.
    His legs were trembling and he had butterflies when he kissed me goodnight. He buried his face in my hair and was huffing it, lol. I felt appreciation for the experience. Wow, to have a man trembling at my fingertips? I could tell, his heart was definitely feeling stirred up. He called me from his truck on the way home to tell me how much he enjoyed everything and he wanted to plan a date and take me somewhere better than Denny’s fo sho next time, lol.

    He didn’t actually *make* a date, though…and…it doesn’t really matter, if I ever even see him again, because I feel so full and nourished from tonight and it is enough.



  191.  #191BeLoved on December 30, 2015 at 9:21 pm

    Oh, ha, and the thing about Denny’s – I didn’t know that’s what he had decided on until the last minute (I felt ok with not knowing since I had, in fact, put it in his hands to choose).
    I nearly choked, and on the drive to meet him, I felt my heart feel heavy and congested and I felt like crying. I felt conflicted about going, felt like turning around and cancelling. I felt like I should have told him hell-to-the-NO. Some old feelings were triggered and I felt forgiveness for myself for some old, old stuff.
    I repeated the mantra – “I am willing to be surprised. I am willing to be surprised.”

    When I got there, he asked me flat-out if it was ok, and I told him how I felt. He was so apologetic, and as he explained, I could tell he DID take my feelings about what I wanted into account..he found a place that was quiet, not crowded, where we could talk, have coffee, and it was a short 10-minute drive from my house. A coffeehouse close by would have been packed, it was way quieter than a usual restaurant, and…truth be told, I was out with friends at Denny’s a few weeks ago and I was ALL ABOUT IT so there was no reason for me to act like I was too good, haha.

    I feel really happy that I felt through all of that and went. I feel like I met a Real Live Good Guy tonight and I am grateful, happy and satisfied.



  192.  #192Millie on December 30, 2015 at 11:56 pm

    Beloved— that’s so amazing!! I’m happy for you!



  193.  #193Millie on December 31, 2015 at 12:45 am

    I feel crazy.

    He’s never coming back is he…it was a fleeting glimpse.

    I feel crazy. I had it together during the day, but at night, I am falling apart. I fell asleep for a few hours, finally felt peaceful, until I woke up again. The searing pain in my body cannot possibly be caused purely by him. He’s not even doing anything besides being absent. I think it’s so much more than that, that is causing this pain to rip through my bones, keeps me in tears, my chest tight. What is it??? Is this when I’m supposed to go to a doctor and find out I have a chemical imbalance? Too much gremlins for you dear….take this. I don’t want to do that, but I feel crazy. My reaction is so disproportionate. If a person does nothing, if no wave is made, then no wave crashes upon the sand. So my body shouldn’t be reacting this way. I’m honestly pretty sick of being in this state. I went through it with an ex years ago…oh the emotional stress of that six year on and off relationship. Then, pretty much a year of it due to M. Geez, the aftermath lasted longer than the actual relationship!!! WTF. Going to sleep is hard. All day I’ve been bleaching the negative thoughts out of my mind, trying to replace the fibers with meaty, healthy, vibe-changing mantras. All day… and even though they echo in my head now, attempting to soothe me…it’s bad. How can I feel good one moment and awful the next? My stupid mind…constantly switching gears on me.

    What am I even upset about anymore?? Do I not know how to react to a man’s rejection other than this?? I want to change from the inside out…I don’t want this kind of reaction anymore, this paralyzing, anti-social, blog-binging person…I want to ACTUALLY change.

    I’ve lost him. He’s not coming back…let’s just face the reality. I was a fun thought for a second, but his life is moved in a different direction. I’m not part of its landscape anymore. So, he answered a text, thought he could get sex out of me, realized he didn’t want to deal with something that wasn’t going to be easy and went back to his life. When he couldn’t get a “quickie.” That’s really what happened. Here I am letting him mean so much to me, when vice versa I’m like a stop sign he did a california rolling stop for….

    It’s really crazy what a man is like when he feels inspired to love a woman….and how he changes when that inspiration is gone. Night and day I’m telling you. It’s almost not the same person.

    Even if I do everything by the book and really change. I don’t see things ever being how they were…and by then I will have being detached from the memory. It wouldn’t be fueling me anymore.

    Geez I’m supposed to not be caring.
    I’m so glad I deleted his number. Because I probably would have texted him. That’s the level my willpower is at.

    Everyone is saying he’s a jerk. No good. Maybe I should just believe it too.

    I don’t know. I never liked calling people names. Ever since a guy called me a B**ch once. It really hurt…and ever since then I have a really hard time really calling someone a name. I think people do jerky things, and act like a jerk…but is the person 100% a jerk, no. I mean there was a time when he was the sweetest person in the world. Made me tea and brought it to me in bed when I wasn’t feeling well. Carried my laundry in to my parents house. Gave my dog water from his own water bottle while on a hike. Picked me up from work when my car was in the shop. He wanted to do all those things for me. He wanted to be a good man for me…and I still think he is somewhere in there under all this other crap.

    I don’t know I’m just need to not be alone with my thoughts because they are rampant.

    Sorry for dominating the blog today.



  194.  #194Femininewoman on December 31, 2015 at 2:51 am

    Yea Millie usually nights are the worst so good practice to put some plans in place



  195.  #195Posie on December 31, 2015 at 3:11 am

    Oh jeez Millie. I feel for you. I know that roller coaster. just try to remember that you will feel differently tomorrow and again the next day, the pendulum swings and eventually rests in the centre again.

    He isn’t a bad guy. Just like, if you dated someone and chose, at some point, they weren’t for you, it wouldn’t make you a bad person to walk away. Depending on the level of commitment there, you would be perfectly within your right (and not even “bad”) to even dissappear without saying/explaining anything at all.I have had my own handful of relationships where I rushed in fast and after a short period realized I just didn’t have those feelings. And I faded away. Not intentionally, but there weren’t embers to keep my fire going. I don’t know how long you dated the first time or if you were exclusive. If not, there might not have actually been anything wrong with him “disappearing.” Even then, as he said, your reactions in the past have left him feeling a little fearful of your anger/possessiveness/blaming. If a guy talked to me that way, with that fearfulness seeping through his words, (like when he started texting again and then took a break and you asked if he was pulling the same stuff) I would feel so damn smothered (likely even offended, i.e, who is this person to lay such massive claim over me) I probably wouldn’t talk to them anymore. And I wouldn’t owe it to them.

    He might text you again. Maybe. If he does, outside looking in and honest truth, he does not have the same commitment to that relationship that you do right now and he is being VERY clear about that. He’s being SO honest with you about that in the words he’s choosing. So it wouldn’t be fair to blame him in the future if he gave you much less than you were hoping for, because it sounds like he’s been upfront.

    Okay. That’s the very harsh truth from my perspective. The happy and equally honest truth is that he’s just practice! For the next one! Next few weeks will be hard for sure (maybe months), harder if he DOES text you (only you can decide how long you want to stay on the roller coaster with him). But if you can get through it, and realize that his choice not to be with you has NOTHING to do with your self worth, you’ll be in a much better place for when that other amazing man does find you. You are a lovely, beautiful, passionate human being with so much space on her heart to care for someone deeply. Lots to give. Your worth does NOT change because this guy decides to go a different route (neither does his by the way). It just didn’t work. Probably won’t ever. And that’s okay.



  196.  #196Indigo on December 31, 2015 at 3:22 am

    Millie,

    I hear you. I have felt all those same thoughts myself (I say “felt those thoughts” deliberately) in the last week or so. I also find Bush Boy’s career so incredibly sexy, and just really everything about who he is, and the way he is. Except how he was with me. And how I suspect he is with women in general. I don’t find that sexy or desirable for me. I loved every moment of being with him, every moment I was with him was pure, ambrosiac bliss, but the lack of follow up, the lack of commitment, the lack of communication, was not. The combination created too much yearning, too much longing, that I couldn’t handle.

    I don’t think there’s really any point in trying to “change” myself so that my reaction would be different… I finally realised this is who I am, and I don’t want to be different. Of course I want a man I find sexy and desirable, who makes me feel contented and relaxed and blissful when I’m with him, but I also very much want a man who wants to be with me enough to make it work, to put in the time and the effort and the commitment. So really, I’m always going to react to a man like this this way, and that’s ok.

    I don’t know if M will come back. I don’t know if Bush Boy will come back. But honestly, if things haven’t changed I don’t think it would be a good thing if he did, and I fully intend to tell him that. Nothing more for me to do here except gently let him go. Millie, I wonder if it would be a good idea for you to spend a little time pondering what would enable you or make it easier to let him go. No matter how bizarre the thing might seem, I think these little rituals of letting go are important. Deleting the text messages was a good thing, I did that too. One further thing I did, and I know it doesn’t make much sense, but I felt a huge weight of grief lift off my shoulders when I did it, and it made it 10 times easier for me to let him go, was I sent Bush Boy a brief text saying he didn’t have to reply to this, but that I was just very sorry, and peace out. For me, saying sorry is very important symbolically, even if I haven’t done something overtly “wrong” – Sorry that it didn’t work out, sorry that it couldn’t be more, sorry for any angst or discomfort I might have caused him, sorry for unmet hopes and dreams, sorry that we weren’t both at a better place in our lives. It’s a release for me, and I now feel able to let him go and not contact him again.



  197.  #197Millie on December 31, 2015 at 4:43 am

    Poise- I feel intensely triggered by your post. I know that making that comment about him pulling the same crap was wrong, especially because I had already forgiven him… So it makes sense he is put off by my anger because clearly it exists. Yes we were exclusive at the time, he had claimed me and admitted he was in the wrong for how the breakup happened. I’m not saying I’m Scott free either… I know my vibe played a part in his decisions. He flat out told me that the reason he chose not to see me sat was because I hadn’t agreed to have sex. I can see how my comment could have been perceived as possessive but really I was just scared. I shouldn’t have said it… But I think my hesitation with committing to sex also played a part here.



  198.  #198Indigo on December 31, 2015 at 5:03 am

    Millie,

    I find myself in a kind of a similar position to you and that’s why I am saying what I’m saying: I think it’s really important to own your reactions as being a part of you, and as saying something very significant about what does and doesn’t work for you, and what you can and can’t feel comfortable and ok with. It’s no good trying to change your reactions, without really understanding and owning them first. That’s what I’ve found. I was a little clingy in my reaction to Bush Boy’s pulling back, and could I have been more cool and leaned back about, maybe handled it a little bit “better”? Certainly. However, what my reaction tells me, which I refuse to ignore, is that his behaviour really wasn’t ok with me. As much as I wanted to be ok with just casual with him, I clearly wasn’t, and there are a myriad reasons for that. My feelings and my response to him was telling me that.

    And once I really *saw* the situation for the reality that it was, both from his perspective, and from mine, that was when I was able to really come to terms with it and stop even trying or wanting to contact him, and accept it rather.

    I really don’t think you should beat yourself up about your reactions or responses, or try and “change” them either. I think you should rather look at what they are trying to tell you about YOU, and where you are at. This has been immensely helpful to me.



  199.  #199Indigo on December 31, 2015 at 5:08 am

    The other thing that I owned for myself, which was immensely helpful for me, was that my admiration for Bush Boy’s career was telling me something very strongly about what I needed to develop in myself. I’ve had in the past a tendency to hero-worship certain people, thinking that if I could only “possess” that person, or have them in my life, that I could satisfy that longing, and be happy in that way. Whereas what it was really telling me was about qualities and accomplishments I longed to develop in myself.

    My intense admiration for Bush Boy’s conservation career is reminding me of a passion and a longing I’ve had for a long time to pursue a scientific career. To pursue the sort of career I can respect and feel respected and accomplished in, and where I can do a lot of good. It’s reminding me that I’m playing terribly small in my own life, and it’s high time to stop that. It’s actually pointing me to the hero inside myself.



  200.  #200Tee on December 31, 2015 at 6:18 am

    Venting —

    I can’t live like this. I’m feeling highly embarrassed by my behavior yesterday. I’m still reacting (and overreacting) like a 7 year old

    I think it’s because I put others first & expect the same in return. I want things done NOW while others wanna have their Fun first.

    Not the end of the world..any of it but I use it as a barometer to measure how much I’m loved/respected/etc

    I build bigger walls & start taking away from those around me. I don’t speak or engage in much.

    I think I’ll just be quiet & lay low today :/



  201.  #201Posie on December 31, 2015 at 7:02 am

    Indigo, Millie, it’s not my intention to suggest that those reactions caused the relationship not to work. Not at all! I wouldn’t have enough information to know that.

    And Indigo, I have read a lot less of your story with bush boy, and your words of self reflection on him and making choices about what YOU want have always been refreshing. It seems like you both sit in the centre of your longing, move through it, and manage to do it without blaming anyone. It’s a way you decide what to do for yourself. I am inspired by your commitment to yourself.

    For you Millie, I remember once that a guy and I were flirting through text. We’d been for a short coffee once and chatting was lovely. Then one day when I was at work I got tied up in meetings all afternoon. By the time I got back to my phone there was a string of about three messages from him, the last saying “so now you’ve decided to just ignore me. Real nice” Oh my god. I felt so yucky. His comment seemed to come out of no where and I suddenly felt like I had to explain to this person, who I had no real investment in, that I was busy at my job. You have to admit, he sounds like an asshole right? Maybe, if I had a long term relationship with him, I could have taken that comment and just counted it as a withdrawal on our total relationship investment. But I probably wouldn’t be in a long term relationship with someone who lacked some respect for my space and who didn’t automatically assume the best in me. And there was nothing in the bank to withdraw from. So regardless of what happened in your relationship the first time, the recent text exchange was unique. He remembered all those texts at the time of breakup and your dissappointment about him not responding anf you remembered those things too. Then on day 1 you jumped back to that drama (for him) with your comment and even with bringing up his absence. Coulda just been a hello, how are you, I’ve been thinking about you and would feel great to connect. Unfortunately he didn’t have anything invested to take that hit. And he’s now been clear that he doesn’t like that worry about where he’s at and, from what you’re saying, sex is important to him. So he’s up front. You get to decide if you want to stick around or not. But you don’t get to blame him moving forward. Cuz he’s been honest.

    I also think that longing feeling, which I have also felt intensely, is a normal thing. Maybe it can be a happy thing even. But, as Indigo said, sometimes it’s TOO much in a particular relationship. rori says we have some options when we aren’t getting what we want. Stay and accept it, confront it with feeling messages and then drop it, or just leave. We get that choice.

    I’m not saying it to trigger you, Mille. I can just completely relate to what you’re going through and sometimes when we are immersed in it is both easy for us to miss the obvious and also make things so big and complicated. I don’t have all the answers. Just what I see from a few posts.

    I’ll leave that there because you have lots of complementary thoughts here from great people to absorb. Best wishes and big hugs.



  202.  #202Azure Blu on December 31, 2015 at 7:56 am

    ((((Lilybelly))))
    Ohhh… my goodness!!! ughhhh!!!
    I can’t imagine how you must be feeling!!
    So awful to see clearly – actual visual evidence-
    to what was going on!!!
    And, as others have said, such a clear path to letting go and moving on…

    In my mind.. I think it’s awesome you confronted them both at work!!
    of course you should!!!

    What the Heck!!! You NEED to let the the people who perpetrated this hurrendous lie,
    feel your hurt,
    incredulousness, and anger!!!

    for me, this would be part of your healing…
    a POWERFUL gift to give yourself!!!

    yay you for letting the right people know what you know and letting others at their office know also!!!
    I’m so glad her husband shared with you this proof!!
    Huggs and love! Keep posting here on Siren Island,,,
    we are here for you!!



  203.  #203Lilybelly on December 31, 2015 at 8:26 am

    I am honestly living in the middle of insanity.

    Absolute insanity.

    The good thing is the tears and sobbing have finally started. Nose running, soul wracking, sobbing. Home from work again.



  204.  #204Millie on December 31, 2015 at 8:27 am

    Posie– I see your point. My original inquiry has always been in regards to his disappearance. I didn’t hide that I felt confused and left hanging. Yes, I shouldn’t have said it, but from where I’m standing I would have been a little more understanding. If someone said that to me, new or old. I would think wow this person feels abandoned, they must have had a tough experience in their past to make them react in that way. In the beginning of dating yeah it’s a bad sign of some serious baggage that is misplaced. But in this particular case, he would understand perfectly where I was coming from. Yes I shouldn’t have said it. Maybe I should have apologized for it. I don’t know. But the moment is gone now and there’s nothing I can do about it. And guess what, he disappeared anyway! Not to say men aren’t allowed to do that… And he’s perfectly right in doing so now because we have no ties. So yes I was wrong in making that comment. Perhaps it was just my little girl talking feeling scared. Sex is important to him… It is to me too, but if a man isn’t going to see me because he knowingly may not get sex…then there’s a problem there. So maybe, I am better off. Maybe my little girl was pushing him away to protect me, maybe I would have felt worse if he had literally came for a “quickie” as he was suggesting and to which I said no to.



  205.  #205Lilybelly on December 31, 2015 at 8:29 am

    Millie,

    Go ahead and love on your negative feelings and then send them packing. I honestly believe that we owe it to ourselves to feel it all in order to move ahead. Think of it like clearing the brush out. When we are done, the overgrowth is gone and there lies a beautiful spot to begin new growth.

    Sappy right?

    But true.

    I will do well to remember this as well. 😉



  206.  #206Azure Blu on December 31, 2015 at 8:36 am

    Millie #197
    When Spirit disappeared 5 months ago, we were exclusive… I had asked him for more phone time, more time together during the week and s*x at least once a week… and he pfffd…
    2 months later he text me something rather rude –
    “ohh… sorry… I meant this text to go to someone else…”
    I called him on the phone and I was VERY loud and angry… -Why would he have the nerve to contact me when he had disappeared… been with his old gf.2 days after (I saw the picts on Facebook)
    on and on…
    He calmed me down, apologized over and over, and asked for a date on our one year anniversary (2 days later)…
    We’ve been dating again (he wants exclusivity)
    for 5 months

    Sooo I believe what Rori says “You CANT say the wrong thing to the right man”

    What you are saying makes since to me…
    He certainly did deserve and ear full – and If M were really interested he wouldn’t have pffd again…

    I’d practice with him letting him know – how angry you are at yourself for continuing to pursue him
    and how that anger is spewing onto him
    and hurting YOURSELF!! and whatever else you might need to say…

    It may NOT be the Rori way… but I have gotten much emotional satisfaction letting the person who actually needs to hear MY Anger… hear it!!!

    Just like Indigo shared her – “Over and Letting go” text with BB



  207.  #207Femininewoman on December 31, 2015 at 8:37 am

    ((((((((((((Lilybelly))))))))))))

    Did he come home after you ranted at his job? Do you know if there is a fall out over there? I am just feeling curious. If I was in their position I would be feeling like shi!t



  208.  #208Azure Blu on December 31, 2015 at 8:41 am

    ((((LillyBelly)))
    Ahhh… the release of sobbing!!!

    BIG HUGS – Brave, Beautiful Siren!!!

    Love to your innocent, warm heart!!

    My arms are wrapping you in a warm, soft cashmere pink blanket to sooth your aching heart!!!



  209.  #209Millie on December 31, 2015 at 8:43 am

    Indigo– ahhh I wrote you back a long reply and then lost my internet connection and it didn’t upload arghhh

    The gist is that I totally understand what you mean about evaluating what’s behind our reactions and why we are having them and I think it’s s great excersise for me.



  210.  #210Lilybelly on December 31, 2015 at 8:49 am

    He did come home and is saying that the crazy ex boyfriend fabricated all of these texts pictures I received. He is going out to look for him to make him tell me the truth.

    There is no way you can fabricate a photo of someone’s man parts. I have that too.

    Neither one are owning it and his job is on the line.



  211.  #211Azure Blu on December 31, 2015 at 8:53 am

    In the name of letting my anger out on the people who need to hear it…. and feeling GREAT about it…
    Helping to put closure on it.
    (I know Rori is not a fan of closure)

    2 years ago my bf broke up with me just before Thanksgiving (one more time!!!!) we had dated off and on, for 2 years…
    I called and begged him to NOT break up… we could work this out… I loved him soo much… Please don’t break up!!!
    He ignored me… after several weeks of being heart broken – i got myself back online dating and moved on… (I was soooo emotionally drained and physically sick from this relationship – I was done)

    I heard from him 8 weeks later (just like text book)
    He called – and left a message- acted like nothing had happened…asked me out…

    I wrote him this letter…
    For over a year you have treated me like a piece of dirt on the bottom of your shoe!!
    You’ve lied and cheated… you’ve been cold and cruel…
    You have killed any feelings I ever had for you
    NEVER – call, write, email or text me!!!
    and NEVER come around my house or car again!!!
    I felt sooo good writing that letter that I still remember it after 2 years!!!
    :-)))



  212.  #212Millie on December 31, 2015 at 8:56 am

    indigo– looking at my reactions, I think the biggest, most prevelent thing is instability. Part of it is lack of security in myself and lack of security in him, which I couldn’t have had at this point. I don’t want to feel abandoned. I don’t want to constantly be wondering if the conversation is going to abruptly end and I’ll never hear from him. That instability is pretty prevelent and yeah something I don’t want to feel and didn’t feel AT ALL during our relarionship until the last couple weeks. So I know it’s possible. Maybe he was also afraid of my potential anger, not because I was angry in our discussion… I really wasn’t except for that comment… But because he himself knew that behavior usually warrants questioning. He expected it, and I gave him a little seed of anger, enough for him to run from. Possibly.



  213.  #213Lilybelly on December 31, 2015 at 9:00 am

    Azure?

    How long did it take before your feelings for him died?



  214.  #214Femininewoman on December 31, 2015 at 9:00 am

    True or not Lilybelly, his behavior had created uncertainties in your home Now you have pictures that create doubt. You believe it or not are in a position of power. Literally lean back and let him run himself ragged while you rest in your power. Give him the space to be the convincer as you move forward with your life. If it were me I believe I would honestly be very calm right now. Saying nothing and doing nothing. Just plain give up. So he would driving himself mad wondering what’s happening with me. The getting angry, screaming and crying kinda gives his conscience a pass



  215.  #215Millie on December 31, 2015 at 9:03 am

    Lilybelly— oh that sounds like a beautiful idea, clearing out the brush! I deleted another CDs contact while I was at it. I like him a lot but he wasn’t stepping up and made me feel wrong for saying what I want and feel. Even now I’m not sure what he really wanted from me. I leaned back, I leaned forward, I let him row, I rowed… It just wasn’t working. When I let him go he said I was harsh, but honestly it was the nicest “breakup” I’ve ever written. Yes to clearing out the clutter!!!

    I can’t believe what you are going through… And handling it so well… What else is going on?



  216.  #216Millie on December 31, 2015 at 9:08 am

    Azure– my cousins relationship is similar in that she can say literally anything to this guy and it cannot shake his love. They have been in and off, mostly her pushing him away… But it amazes me how deep their lives goes and how honest they are with each other.

    I wrote a goodbye to this guy I was on and off with for six years… He was getting married and still texting me!!! Talking about us and how he’ll Always know me… I had stopped caring by then and told him he had no integrity and that I never want to hear from him again. He’s been gone ever since. It made me sick to think he was texting me while making marriage preparations. Yuck!



  217.  #217Azure Blu on December 31, 2015 at 9:13 am

    Lillybell #213
    for the first year with BK… dating was awesome… I did too much leaning forward BUT we still hung in there…

    the 2nd year he was gone sooo much – I was constantly feeling miserable (of course, I know now, NOT his problem) and abandoned and pinning….

    I thank him for bringing me to RORI!!!

    I was CDing most of the time during the 2nd year…
    and I had learned to share my feelings and ask for things that I wanted in a relationship…
    BUT he did NOT respond at all…
    so after the last time he broke up with me and told me to find someone who was worthy of my love (cause it wasn’t him)…
    I had it!!
    I had given myself 2 months with BK -to try all the Rori tools and stay more leaning back…
    I’m glad I did this cause it let me off the hook – I felt I had tried everything!!!

    Sooo I was getting ready to let go…

    BUT It helped to start dating quickly again!!!
    Of course I still miss All our fabulous times – Fishing, fireside s*x… the s*x was AWESOME!!! dancing, playing, cooking together
    (When I met him I hadn’t dated in 7 years)
    But really I don’t miss HIM at all!!!



  218.  #218Millie on December 31, 2015 at 9:15 am

    Poise– how funny, I’m texting a brand new guy today and he sent me a picture of himself. I had fallen back asleep and woke up he had said “guess my picture didn’t go over to well.” So funny because it’s a perfect example of what we were discussing! It doesn’t turn me off though… Online dating is so challenging and I’m sure these guys face a lot of rejection putting themselves out there.

    I feel bad now for my comment to M.. But something tells me it wasn’t the name of break comment. Like Azure said, you can’t say the wrong thing to the right man…. I always think about that. I also have to forgive myself for speaking out of anger, for throwing a dagger knowingly. I have to allow myself the room to not do everything perfectly, because it never will be perfect.



  219.  #219Azure Blu on December 31, 2015 at 9:16 am

    Millie #216
    Brava!!! Sounds like a great letter!!!
    :-))



  220.  #220Azure Blu on December 31, 2015 at 9:26 am

    Lillybell #210
    I totally echo what FW #214!!!
    I still LOVE that you got angry at them both at work!!!
    :-))

    Yeah… now you are in the position of power… lean back and see what happens…
    Hick those skirts up and step OUT OF THE BOAT
    and back onto your bridge!!!

    About your feeling less than for a 2nd divorce…
    I have gotten much emotional relief from
    LOVEING my feelings of shame, unworthiness
    and not perfect…
    Holding out my hand to these feelings,
    bringing them close to sit by my side…
    and giving them warm nurturing huggs!!!
    They are feeling abandoned and ignored and hated!!
    I want to LOVE ALL of ME!!!



  221.  #221Lilybelly on December 31, 2015 at 9:43 am

    Millie,

    We are human and we have feelings. It’s as simple as that and as difficult as that. There is no perfect so stop trying to obtain that.

    IF I had this all down, I would NOT have walked in there yesterday and shown all of that anger and emotion. IF I had this all down perfectly, I would have come home, packed a bag, left the evidence on the counter and left without a word.

    That didn’t happen. I refuse to beat myself up over shoulda, woulda or coulda. What’s done is done.

    You do the same. 🙂



  222.  #222Millie on December 31, 2015 at 10:28 am

    Azure it was pretty short and sweet!!! To the point!! Haha

    Lily belly– yes your right!! I feel inspired by your groundedness through all of is. Amazing job siren!



  223.  #223Starla on December 31, 2015 at 12:23 pm

    Hi ladies, I spent a lot of the morning thinking about how I’ve contributed to my relationship’s problems and disconnect. I think I need to “grow up” still in some ways. I have come really far but have been resting on this subconscious, false assumption that it is enough. I blame him for not continuing to grow and be the loving person I wish to be in all our interaction, and say I have done enough so unless he does some, I’m hitting the pause button on growing bigger and more loving myself.

    This is not the path to connection.

    And because of what I came to believe about connection after the way I was raised, I start biasing myself to confirm those false beliefs of mine. Beliefs that say I’m not safe and I should protect myself.

    I don’t want to shame my man. If someone else shamed him, I would literally want to kick their butts!! He does not deserve to be shamed and I would be very upset if I heard someone else shaming him. And yet, I spend a lot of my words and actions doing what amounts to shaming him. I don’t have any intention of shaming him, but it’s all I do, because I am afraid and lonely in those moments. I think I am pleading and helping him to connect with me, but all it sounds to him is like shaming him.

    It is easy to just think he is immature and needs to get over his ego, and that I have a right to my feelings even if they make him feel shamed. My fear of loss of love is just as important as his aversion to feeling shamed. And vice versa, of course. We fight and fight and fight for our right to feel bad about the experience the other is creating for us.

    He only feels shamed in the first place because LOVING ME IS IMPORTANT TO HIM. He puts his heart and soul into it and it is one of his life’s great works.

    Why am I always p*ssing all over his great work?

    Poor, afraid little Starla. She needs a hug. She is just always protecting herself. She’s good at that. Being good at it is how she didn’t perish from her upbringing.



  224.  #224BeLoved on December 31, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    Starla – I wonder if you are p!ssing on his “great work” because you believe something must be wrong with him for loving you?



  225.  #225Starla on December 31, 2015 at 12:42 pm

    Yes, Beloved… I do believe that in some ways.



  226.  #226Starla on December 31, 2015 at 12:44 pm

    I do not believe I am enough for him and I go seeking proof of that. Not believing I am good enough drives a lot of the weird ways I act toward him.



  227.  #227BeLoved on December 31, 2015 at 12:44 pm

    Recently I watched Trainwreck, and binged on the 1st season of Master of None and I felt so inspired by both of them to be better in relationships.

    With Master of None, watching Rachel and Dev interact with such harmony, and navigate through their challenges with softness, creativity and humor, opened a door of possibilities in my mind. 😀

    Last night when InspectorCD spilled his whole mug of coffee on the table and all over my boots, I felt irritated for a second and then the idea to be playful came through. I started joking with the server that I had just given him the bad news I was cheating on him and he wasn’t taking it well. InspectorCD picked it up and said, “well, I knew it was coming I just didn’t know it was with my GRANDFATHER. ” We riffed on that for a bit and started laughing.

    Ok, so we weren’t the best at improv, and, I feel proud that I let myself be playful instead of irritated even though it wasn’t impeccable sparkling wit, haha.

    Trainwreck just…omg, just really let me believe, yet again, that something real and rewarding is possible for me and I can’t still be my imperfect self and have a fun, loving relationship. It was hilarious and I looove Amy Schumer.



  228.  #228Tee on December 31, 2015 at 1:04 pm

    #223 & #226 Starla,

    YES! I totally relate to all of that!
    Despite my actions yesterday, my mother bought me flavored coffee this morning and my fiancé picked up some snacks for all of us!

    I too often wonder if he doesn’t see how much of a damn mess I am, etc

    Still waiting for the other shoe to drop blah blah blah



  229.  #229Starla on December 31, 2015 at 1:05 pm

    I heard Trainwreck was about a woman who acted very poorly and without much class, and is basically a cinderella tale for entitled modern feminists who don’t know how to respect men, haha. I haven’t seen it though!



  230.  #230BeLoved on December 31, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    Starla – Well, yes, it is, haha, and I still found it to be hilarious. I laughed, I cried, I could totally identify with Amy’s character. I haven’t ever been the classiest, humblest, most respectful and well-behaved chick so yeah of course I want to believe even with all my f*cked upness I can still be in love with a great guy 🙂



  231.  #231Starla on December 31, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    Haha, yes I want to believe that too! Sigh…
    I really do CARE about being the best version of myself though. Honestly I’m probably obsessed with it to the point of imbalance. It’s like I am always scolding myself, telling myself all the marks I’m missing on the moving target of “happy with myself.” Jeez louise, now THAT is a recreation of some childhood issue if I’ve ever seen one. My childhood is characterized by always having new moving targets to hit in order to make my mother happy with me. It was a bottomless pit of never enough and now it’s the paradigm for my whole freaking self-determined existence.



  232.  #232Dixie on December 31, 2015 at 3:26 pm

    Sirens,
    I wrote a long post about how much you’ve all meant to me this year, but then I deleted it!

    Azure, thank you for your loving kindness, your light, and your unfailing support and optimism. You are a shining star on these boards. Xx

    Indigo, your sharing this year has felt eye-opening for me; so many times, I could see myself reflected in your words, from being an ultra-sensitive to your brave decision to walk away from a stagnant relationship. You are an inspiration!

    FW and Victoria… I love the refreshing insight you always bring to these boards, full of care and concern, making sure that our decisions are honouring our selves..

    Mandy and Beloved: you have both gone through major relationship changes this year, and bravo for navigating these changes with such bravery! As my favorite student says, “Fortune favours the bold!” You are both awesome, from where I stand

    Lovergirl and Andrea – Both of you seemed to sprout wings this year! New attitudes about men, and new jobs where you are recognized for your talents…. So much strength here!

    Millie . … Dear Millie, be kind to yourself. Whatever happens now will happen and you are never alone. I love reading your journey ….. Be forgiving and caring to your sweet self!

    ((Lillybelly))) I’m adding to the hugs here….. Having gone through the shock and pain of an unfaithful spouse, I can hear your feelings loud and clear. The only thing I wished I did differently years ago was lean back, let go of him, and totally focus on my own happiness. I would tell myself to not be afraid to walk away from a situation that eventually had me locked in heavy and tangled emotional chains. I stayed because ultimately, I was afraid. Don’t let fear influence your decisions…. You will be okay and we’re all here!

    That’s all Sirens…. I know I missed many others but honestly, all of you have been a Godsend. Thinking of you all tonight and hoping that your deepest hearts desires are met in 2016!

    Xx



  233.  #233Tee on December 31, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    I guess I’ll keep venting here instead of having a fit.
    Still attached to the outcome. Some days I feel like I’ll just never have my fiancé to myself. Its like he’s a cat, running here & there…never fully just being in one place.

    I want to blame the ADHD that he has but maybe I need to accept that this is what it is. I can keep being upset over it. Let IT Go, or Let HIM Go. Problem is that I cant seem to do either

    No one sees how hurtful it can be

    “Oh thats just how Eric is, he’s ok, he’ll be back, he’s not doing anything wrong etc etc”

    Its like he can’t just BE STILL

    He’s over here, he’s over there. We go to visit his mother, he has to make a stop here, talk to this person, we get in the car, he parks because he sees another person & they just have to talk real quick etc etc

    Its never-ending! I sit there like WTF man!
    When I go to visit a friend, thats ALL I’m doing…I’m visiting that friend! I’m not about to visit you for 3 hours or 30 minutes and then go 5 blocks away to visit another friend, thats too much to be doing!

    But thats essentially how my fiancé operates & I have yet to NOT take it personal sometimes. It seems like WE get the leftovers, when he’s done with his “fun” then we get him back.

    I feel boring in comparison because I don’t see how all of that running around, talking, etc is fun! I do get the whole ADHD thing (undiagnosed of course but I see a lot of it in his family) but I wanna punch him

    I want someone to understand and let me know that Yes, I see that it bothers you, its for real, its Valid instead of telling me that I’m not supposed to hurt because he can’t sit the F*** down

    Then when I say something to him, he shuts down
    Like a toy thats had the batteries removed, he’ll be still but he’ll be online or playing games and then I feel guilty….like I just killed all of his joy

    I just don’t get all of the running around, almost like he’s running from himself or like someone who just had a nightmare and they’re doing whatever they can to stay awake

    I feel obsessed. i feel like I’m chasing him again
    I feel desperate. Not fun. I feel ugly.

    I feel like having known him for so long, I should have seen this coming and since I either didn’t or wouldn’t….I’m stupid for thinking it would be anything other than what it really is

    I almost feel like this entire “engagement” is a fraud
    You love me, wanna get married but for what? You can’t sit the hell down!

    I just can’t. Cant wrap myself around this.



  234.  #234Dixie on December 31, 2015 at 3:42 pm

    As for D…. Sirens, I could have asked for a better, more real, more emotionally connected meeting. My heart felt totally wrapped up in his love and affection, and after a long time, he opened up about his own fears and reservations about our timing….. He says he loves me, that there is no ride for him, and that he is the happiest with me.

    All I wanted was to have a good-feeling date, and I got that in spades. I’m going to relish these good feelings a bit more on my own, then share later on. But I know this is TRUE: when I share authentically, without blame, without expecting anything, it makes it so much easier for the other person to open up as well. I don’t know what the future brings, and for the first time really, I’m okay with that!

    I don’t need to wait for this man, but just knowing that D. loves me the best he can right now, has given me wings. He has been a gift in my life and I am just grateful for the experience of feeling that loved. I feel the need to stretch out a bit and grow and reach….. and D.s been a huge part of coming to that decision.



  235.  #235Dixie on December 31, 2015 at 3:47 pm

    ((Tee))

    Have you considered a support group for families dealing with adult ADHD? Perhaps a doctor or counsellor might be able to give you tools in helping you deal with this in a way that is constructive to the relationship?



  236.  #236Dixie on December 31, 2015 at 3:50 pm

    Oops!!

    234: I meant to type “he says that … there is no one else for him” NOT “there is no ride for him”! Lol!



  237.  #237Tee on December 31, 2015 at 4:01 pm

    #235 Dixie,

    I tried an online group years ago. Didn’t turn out too well lol

    It mostly consisted of spouses telling me to run LOL and how they’d never marry that person if they had known, etc

    Depressed me lol

    However, I can try again



  238.  #238Starla on December 31, 2015 at 4:36 pm

    With everything, can always try again. It’s a new day, new hour, or new moment.

    We all have useful tools and know what to do, but i forget about all that and suck on despair instead. Delicious.



  239.  #239Tee on December 31, 2015 at 4:53 pm

    I don’t know about anyone else but I tend to forget everything in the heat of the moment

    Childish to admit but my tantrum yesterday felt good

    Felt good in the sense that I wasn’t just sitting there, I did things, I said things, etc

    Felt awesome to let it out, but I can see that nothings really changed so I guess it was kinda pointless

    like a rottweiler with no teeth

    He left again today anyway, so did my mother but the difference between my mom & fiance is that when my mother drinks, she’s angry, she’s barely coherent, she just sucks the life outta the room, then morning hits and she’s back to her “regular” self.

    My fiancé remains the same regardless. He’s always playful and happy go lucky but theres some part of him that doesn’t enjoy quiet times

    I don’t know but I am looking into Support Groups like Dixie suggested and that actually made me feel better

    It was something to DO instead of sitting here brewing because I’m upset! Its NYE, he’s supposed to be here, etc

    Now I could call & rant but then he’d know that I was calling to rant. Plus I barely spoke to him at all since last night so it makes no sense to speak to him now ONLY to jump down his throat again

    UGH



  240.  #240Millie on December 31, 2015 at 9:45 pm

    Tee I know what you mean about acting in the moment without thinking. Maybe that’s our most authentic reaction…



  241.  #241Tee on December 31, 2015 at 10:43 pm

    #240 Millie,

    Yeah lol I think that it is us at our most everything; upset, hurt, vulnerable, etc but then what?

    In my case, it’s just a tiny moment of instant ego gratification

    After the dust settles, it’s like the same stuff all over again

    This is why I was like, I need a different approach or something

    Cause I feel like I’m talking to a deaf person, speaking French when he speaks Italian

    Some moments I get lucky lol and we vibe, operate, communicate effectively and it’s magical

    Other days I’m feeling just exasperated



  242.  #242Indigo on January 1, 2016 at 1:02 am

    Azure Blu 206,

    I tend to agree with you. I know the Rori and the siren way is that closure is overrated, but in this instance I disagree and don’t care. Sometimes just doing what you need to do, and saying what you need to say, in order to let go brings great comfort, and why wouldn’t you give yourself that if you are in great pain?

    For me, I was grieving, literally GRIEVING Bush Boy going. It had something to do with the connection between us that had been there from the very beginning, the way we obviously loved each other’s company, the fact that I saw him as someone I could have married, and the missing and longing that had been building up for several months. That when he left, I felt a sense of grief, and it didn’t seem fitting to just let him go without a proper sense of closure on my part. I really didn’t do it for him. I did it because I had certain regrets about the way I handled it, and I wanted to let us both go off into the world with no bad vibes between us. Whatever’s in your heart, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with showing it – as long as you don’t overdo it and trounce the other person’s boundaries.



  243.  #243Indigo on January 1, 2016 at 7:03 am

    I feel a really beautiful sense of calm about this coming year. Some significant things have lost their power over me in the last year, and I feel gently accepting instead of anxious.

    I don’t know what the future holds when it comes to major areas of my life – love, work and where I will live. And that is both scary and exciting. One thing I do know is that I am more and more willing to let go of guilt and dysfunction in order to do what feels right and authentic to me. If it means relinquishing the opinions of others in order to take myself to a freer and happier place, so be it. I’m not going to try and make things happen or control the future, I’m just going to gently go along, doing what feels best to me. Not overinvesting where it feels like forcing something.

    I’m just going to let today happen, and not worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow is not promised anyway. This Christmas my mom was rushed to hospital and nearly died, and it reminded me that all we have is this moment. The next day, the next few hours are not promised, and I don’t want to live any of them in a dark place being too concerned about whether I am “wrong” or “shoulds”.



  244.  #244Starla on January 1, 2016 at 7:09 am

    I hate my gut feelings. They are often so wrong. They drive me crazy. Everyone says to trust your gut, but sometimes I have gut feelings something will happen, and then it just never does.



  245.  #245Lovergirl on January 1, 2016 at 8:09 am

    Lillybelly 221-

    I feel like you had every reason and right to go make a scene at your husband’s place of employment. It’s easy to beat yourself up over it but probably the vast majority of people who were there totally understand where you are coming from. Maybe you could have kept your cool, but maybe he needed to see you flip out too.



  246.  #246Millie on January 1, 2016 at 11:17 am

    Indigo— I love that! So sorry to hear about your mom, I hope she is doing ok.



  247.  #247Millie on January 1, 2016 at 11:38 am

    Happy New Years sirens!

    I found it really difficult to “be in the moment” as the clock approached midnight. I went to a family wedding, which was amazing!! I felt so loved and happy to be around family on this holiday. The ceremony was beautiful as well. The words “loves does not hold onto wrongs, love forgives” really resonated with me. I need to be love and live in love and truly forgive…as the clock approached midnight I felt myself welling up with feelings. Just emotion… Remembering last New Years, how I had felt grounded and ok with me. I went home alone and I was happy. M and I had just started talking and agreed to meet January 3rd of last year. I don’t know maybe it was the alcohol mixed with emotion but at midnight the tears I had been holding burst… And I ran to the bathroom. I feel disappointed in myself for not being able to just be in the moment. When I returned to the table a guy I had been dancing with most of the night was waiting for me. He said he was looking for me at midnight… We went outside, stood by this fire in the snow. He said he had never had a New Years kiss, neither had I… He said he looked for me at midnight to kiss me, but felt too shy to have done it in front of everyone. I said well let’s start the new year now…and started counting down..10, 9… And we kissed…passionately outside while the snow fell. Just us. We talked about New Years resolutions… He opened up about personal things… I actually found myself in the moment then… Knowing this moment is all it was, I would most likely never see this guy again, and that felt exciting. He asked to drive me home and we ended parked by the side of the road making out with each other…and other things. It felt so good to be touched, to kiss, to feel a man’s body on mine…and it didn’t really matter that Id just met him, that he wasn’t M. Afterwards, I thought why am I not sleeping with more men? Have I been so afraid? Have I been thinking that no one can compare to M? I have been trying to control intimacy… It feels so freeing to choose not to worry. To give myself permission to be in the moment. To just seek, fun, pleasure, and passion. He walked me to the door…we gripped hands to keep from sliding down the icy driveway. He asked for my number and I said I don’t live here. He said, well maybe I want to continue our conversation. So that was the night. I feel good about it. At peace, despite having an internal battle at midnight. No word from M. I’m glad I deleted his number, and I see now… What we had no longer exists. I have to stop romanticizing his memory and be here, today, with a world of new men ahead of me, new pleasures to be had.



  248.  #248Indigo on January 1, 2016 at 12:15 pm

    Millie,

    My mom is doing much better now, thank you so much.

    I love your revelations! And from my perspective, this: “I have to stop romanticizing his memory”… in my opinion you don’t really *have* to do anything… The romanticism of his memory may always remain, and is that such a bad thing? The attachment will fade, the feeling that there is no one better out there and that you can’t love anyone more will go on its own, it will happen naturally. You will meet better men, men who are more right for you, and M will loosen his hold on you naturally, you won’t have to force yourself to do anything.



  249.  #249Millie on January 1, 2016 at 2:44 pm

    Guess who texted me saying happy New Years and asked what I did last night? Yup…. M.
    Life really is full of surprises!



  250.  #250Zara on January 1, 2016 at 2:55 pm

    Avoid the Word YOU – Even When You’re Speaking Your Truth
    By Rori Raye

    _______________________________

    Here – the blogging is the practice.

    Basically – I’m asking you to observe the same rules on the blog as I ask you to observe with a man – so you can practice.

    And I know how hard it is.

    How easy it is to feel triggered and angry, and not know what to do with it – and want to practice expressing it.

    I WANT you to be BOLD!

    I want you to speak the truth.

    And yet – I want you to do it in a certain way that’s all about you – and zero about him or anyone else.

    Just because a man triggers you doesn’t mean it’s about him.

    If a man breaks into your house, hurts you and robs you – that’s harder.

    You don’t need to ask yourself why was I home at that time? You don’t need to analyze your behavior. A man came into your space, and even with the best defense you could muster (however that looked) – he did something that impacted you.

    In love – it can be like this. A man can cheat on you and give you a horrible disease.

    A man can gamble away all your money and leave you destitute.

    A man can have another wife and marry you anyway, and leave you officially unmarried and without insurance or legal protection.

    In this circumstance – he did this, and you are the accidental bystander.

    In this circumstance, rage and lots of YOU words seems totally justified, and it IS! Of course it’s righteous to be angry when someone hurts you – on purpose or not.

    And still – for purposes of getting you to where you want to go in love – I don’t want to focus on this righteous anger – I want to focus on the language and mindset around ANYTHING – no matter HOW horrible it was or is – that will work best to HEAL the depths of pain, shame, guilt, fear, grief that the righteous anger is surrounding for you (and in a very positive way, too).

    I want to encourage you to connect with, channel and USE your anger – and yet, SPEAK in words of only yourself.

    Instead of using your anger to strike out at the perpetrator because of what he did – I want you to simply express that anger out because that propulsion of emotion is what you FEEL!

    In other words – you need no excuse to feel and express rage.

    It belongs to you, it’s part of YOUR healing emotions.

    Because nothing you do, say or think can change what has already happened…I want you to do what is best for you – NOW!!

    And what is best for you is to focus on you.

    The process is pretty methodical. You follow your own inner workings and process and share it as much as you can.

    And this is totally different from “complaining” – and totally different from wishing other people bad, using the word “you” and getting them involved in your process.

    With a criminal – it gets you nowhere. Better to focus on what WOULD get you somewhere.

    And with a regular man who’s simply done something wrong – something that made you feel bad or angry – talking about HIM will only get his defenses operating full tilt.

    His ego and his boundaries won’t allow you to run him down – even if you’re right.

    He’ll shut you out and walk away from you – which is what I’d advise you to do with a man who tries to do that with YOU – a man saying things to you that feel bad to you – that feel like he’s extending his world to impact yours in some negative way…that he wishes you ill or hates you.

    When you are alone or with a therapist – you can explore other things – but ALWAYS – talking about OTHERS is not the way to go.

    You are always just talking about yourself and REACTING to others.

    So as you write – privately in your journals, and here, on this monumental journal of all of us – see if you can share your deepest feelings without involving other people at all…(except to set context by saying lightly what happened to trigger you…).
    _________________________________



  251.  #251Tee on January 1, 2016 at 3:14 pm

    #247 Millie

    What a romantic night! Thanks for sharing! I felt jealous, it read like a fairytale but your honesty allowed me to take note of some of the things I’ve not allowed in my life.
    Thank you kindly 🙂



  252.  #252Zara on January 1, 2016 at 5:54 pm

    The power of vulnerability with Tony Robbins and Lisa.
    http://training.rmtcenter.com/lise-film

    xxx



  253.  #253IamHis on January 1, 2016 at 7:27 pm

    I’ve been CDING in the non-traditional sense of being open to & talking to various men w/out necessarily going on dates, & it does feel really good. I really do love younger guys, & I look & act a good deal younger than I am, so why the heck not? 🙂



  254.  #254Liquid Light on January 1, 2016 at 8:30 pm

    Zara, thanks for posting that link. It really hit home! The woman in the video is very similar to my Mom and I can see how I inherited a lot of her characters as she has been my only female model in my family. It really explained a lot. Tony Robbins is absolutely awesome!



  255.  #255Emerson on January 1, 2016 at 10:15 pm

    sirens
    I wish you all a happy new year!

    I made a decision last night. Enough with crumbs, empty promises, imaginary “relationships” and imagining significant connections that really are superficial…I blocked CuteCityCD’s phone number from my phone. He can’t text call or anything to reach me.

    Enough is enough. I just allowed myself to engage with him because I have been bored.

    I continue to strive to open myself up to new men who are available.

    I continue to feel doubt in myself to have a lasting healthy relationship.

    But I am trying.



  256.  #256Emerson on January 1, 2016 at 10:20 pm

    I also realized i’ve been moving through my day to day life in a haze. I have been numbing myself from the pain of being along by just blocking everything out…all my feelings. I know this and yet I don’t know how to stop it.
    Then my feelings come pouring out like an avalanche.

    I’ve spoken about this before on the blog.

    I have this numbness because facing reality is sometimes really painful.

    Believe me I have so much to be thankful for. i am hugely blessed.

    it’s the pain of broken relationships that pains me, and what I’m speaking of here.

    I am wanting so much to open myself up again. I feel so terrified of losing my independence. I feel afraid of losing control. I feel afraid of being cheated on. I feel afraid that the person I love will get bored with me and find someone else.

    I feel doubt.
    I feel shame and self criticism.

    I feel that I can overcome this. But I know I haven’t been taking care of me, not in the right way.

    How can I take care of myself better?

    Emerson you need to answer that question.



  257.  #257Tee on January 1, 2016 at 11:12 pm

    Sharing 🙂

    I’m still thinking about what you wrote Millie #247

    I’ve stopped being fun & turned serious & unforgiving. Almost as though in order to be taken seriously, I need to be serious at least 70% of the time or else no one will respect me and I’ll never get what I want.

    I use to be full of laughter, passion & lightheartedness. My fiancé use to be more romantic, etc. ..whatever

    I see I’ve stopped giving myself permission & I’ve closed off that part of myself but seeing your words brought things back into focus

    I went out with the baby tonight. E’s cousin & I spoke. One of my favorite relatives of his who moved to Atlanta.
    We talked briefly. He knows what a hermit I can be. He gave me an assignment, bundle the baby up & go out to see the Mummers Parade.
    It’s a tradition here in Philadelphia.

    Of course my fiancé was going but I really had no interest. He listened to my excuses. He said that’s Uh huh Awesome but Go, take the baby, I want pictures.

    I went back & forth on the issue until I got the baby together. E was already gone, I suspect that he didn’t believe I’d come out.

    I called to find out where he was & then we met up. The baby loved the music & the colorful costumes. He wanted out of his stroller so that he could dance & give out high 5’s. My fiancé also found money while he was out there.

    Overall, we had a good time & I probably wouldn’t have had I not been “forced”. I also took note of my angry voice which was telling me that E didn’t really want us there, he wanted his friends only, etc

    E seemed to enjoy having us there. When he noticed that my hands were in my pocket he gave me his gloves. He seemed really happy to be sharing this tradition with the baby.

    After a while, Isiah started getting fussy so we left. E said he’d be right behind us.

    I get home & get the baby dressed for bed. E brings him a pair of light up 2016 glasses. We talk for a bit until he goes back out again.

    This time, his leaving doesn’t trigger anything in me. Your words struck a chord Millie. When did I stop being fun, passionate?

    I saw plenty of couples making out & I felt envious. Why isn’t that us? When did it stop being us? Since when did being hard-up mean that it would help me to get things done?

    It’s like I believe that the less I laugh, the more likely everything will fall into place because the Universe can see that I’m the Real Deal.

    I’ve traded in my passion for a harder exterior and I do believe that it’s because I’m trying to be a grown-up…The Grown-up & being The Grown-up means that you’re serious, you’re taking care of business & there’s no room for games.

    Or maybe that’s just what I’ve seen growing up. The adults paying bills & not exactly having too much fun



  258.  #258Mandy on January 2, 2016 at 2:11 am

    I’m trying to figure out which part of me needs love right now. I know some part does because I’m getting upset when my mom or a friend leaves my apt. to go home. I get whiney when a person has to go to bed when I’m on the phone with them. I feel desperate for interaction. I don’t like that position or feeling.

    I need connection. Sirens…

    Sirens…do we provide connection for each other?

    I know I am an avante garde person, and i am not your avg. Jane…so I may be a little hard to relate to sometimes…but…

    Hey…if anyone wants to do me a favor by riffing with me, well, that would be great 🙂



  259.  #259Indigo on January 2, 2016 at 5:23 am

    Mandy,

    You may be pretty extroverted, and that’s ok. Introverted people need to be on their own a lot, and extroverted people derive energy from being around others, and many of us fall somewhere in-between on the spectrum. In fact, there is no such thing as a purely introverted or purely extroverted person. Figuring out where I fell on the spectrum and what my needs were for alone time versus time with other people was one of the most important and satisfying things I ever did for myself. It’s no good trying to fight who you are. The more you embrace those parts of yourself and try and give yourself what you need, the more those feelings will feel less urgent.

    So if you find that you need more interaction than you’re currently getting, I would encourage you to explore meeting that need. I am very introverted, but I have times where I really want or need to interact with other people – and living alone, as I do and I think you do too, intensifies that need. So, by all means, phone a friend or chat to a friend on Skype or Facebook, or go round to a friend’s house for coffee, or take up a class or hobby which allows you to meet more people. Go to a beach or public pool or somewhere where you can absorb the energy of other people. Don’t deny the need, or allow it to turn inward and become dark. Need for connection and interaction is very normal.



  260.  #260Dixie on January 2, 2016 at 5:31 am

    (((256 Emerson)))

    I’ve felt these mixed feelings too! On one hand, pure gratitude and acceptance but the other hand…all the feelings of not being good enough, worthy enough, etc., and sometimes feeling plain old lost.

    For me, I’ve been so keenly aware lately that I’m still dealing with the pain of my divorce bc it really triggered feelings of unworthiness and abandonment and these are feelings I project into relationships where I am emotionally invested.

    My mom suggested to me that this year, I give myself the gift of speaking to a counsellor to finally work through these issues and I think I’m going to do that. I hadn’t before and clearly, the residual pain still affects me.

    I’m not offering advice, dear Emerson, but just reminding you that these are normal feelings and it’s totally okay to sink into them. For me, talking to a counsellor will hopefully ease the pain of certain triggers.



  261.  #261Dixie on January 2, 2016 at 5:39 am

    Indigo…. As an offshoot of your comment above, I’ve been thinking of taking a salsa class because even though I’m an introvert, I know that there’s a part of me that would have SO much fun at this, and it would add some variety to my week ☺️!



  262.  #262Indigo on January 2, 2016 at 5:43 am

    Dixie,

    Thank you for your beautiful words in post 232, by the way.

    I so relate to what you are saying here in 260. I have come to a similar realisation about myself. Where I am not invested in a man, I can be absolutely magnetic. I just see him as practice, and I can be totally carefree and flirt and experiment, and really not care either way, because I don’t see myself with him in the end. What I want to do is try and harness that feeling with the guys I really do care for. Unfortunately, when I meet a guy I really, really like, I care so much that he takes up so much of my energy and I try too hard and care too much how things go or about what he does or doesn’t do, and about what I do or don’t do. I open up my heart and a lot of fear of pain and overinvestment comes out. Ideally I would like to be the same woman with the men I like very much as the men I could take or leave.

    Huh. Now that I think of it, this is what I’d like to work on for 2016 too.



  263.  #263Indigo on January 2, 2016 at 5:47 am

    Dixie 261,

    I so hear you. I take a zumba class for the same reason, and I also schedule a social activity of some kind most weeks as well. Having a balance improves my mood enormously, and helps me enjoy both my social time and my alone time more. It’s all about knowing where the balance lies for you.



  264.  #264Sincerely on January 2, 2016 at 12:36 pm

    Help! Circular dating while married?
    I know this would turn my marriage around and I have no idea where to start…!
    Especially since I’m married I wouldn’t want to have sex with other guys & I would even feel weird talking on the phone when I’m married.
    So, what is circular dating when I’m married?



  265.  #265Emerson on January 2, 2016 at 8:06 pm

    260 Hi Dixie!
    Thank you I feel heard…and acknowledged by your words. it feels inspiring to read your plans for seeing a therapist. I’ve done that in the past and it did help. It would not hurt to revisit that form of personal growth and I feel open to it.

    I feel proud of myself and I feel liberated that I blocked CuteCitycd. He’s just been playing games with my time and plans always fall through. WHY would I keep talking to someone like that! Well, I’m not!

    I also feel curious about a coworker I’ve been working with for a short time and I barely noticed him when he started in my dept, but now I’ve been paying attention. I will be changing departments soon so we won’t be working together directly for long. I think this is good because I’ll have to find an excuse to keep in contact with him. Oh and I have to find out if he is single for sure, but I think he is. I hope so. He is not suave at all or a player. He’s very nice and respectful and I like his character what I know of it so far. I hope we can at least be friends outside of work.

    I am going to waterwheel him on Monday ahahaha…..
    hehe can’t wait!

    I took care of me today by shopping for my new job and reading some good books at a coffee shop. I feel really happy to be home now but if I had stayed home all day I’d feel like crap haha. Well Sirens I know I’m on the right track.

    Thanks for being here on the blog and ‘listening’ to me!



  266.  #266Emerson on January 2, 2016 at 8:13 pm

    253 IamHis
    CDing in the way you describe is just about my comfort zone right now! I like it. I will be more mindful to do that this week. I will CD at the coffee shop, book store, grocery store, bagel shop etc!!!

    Oh I can’t wait. Even today I was CDing a little…but when I’m not totally mindful of it I can really just end up keeping to myself.

    Goal for this week: do casual CDing everywhere I go! When I think of it this way, it feels ok to just talk to men and not feel so shy.

    Oh and the other thing…huge challenge for me, five second smile!!



  267.  #267Lovergirl on January 3, 2016 at 12:45 am

    I’m a swirl of emotion….

    S just texted me again (very late at night here) and this is what he said:

    S: So I’ve been in Portland Oregon this past few days for my stepbrother’s wedding- it’s been really nice. It made me appreciate a few things. One of those is the time I got to spend with you. That’s all. 🙂

    Gah, this both melted my heart and made me afraid at the same time. I cried a little bit. I love him so much and I’m afraid of it not meaning everything I want it to when he sends me stuff like this. :/ It’s like, he’s thinking of me, at a WEDDING but does it really mean anything or is this just spiking up all the hope in my heart over nothing?

    The past few days I’ve been pondering over what I loved so much about him and it was his emotional honesty and just his honesty in general. He’s the only guy I’ve never caught in a lie. I really did trust him, and that is one of the hardest things on earth for me to do with ANYONE. So here is how I responded:

    Me: Aw S, thank you! That means a lot. 🙂 I appreciate the time I had with you too. You’re the only guy, maybe the only person, I’ve ever felt I could trust to be completely honest with me, even if it meant sometimes saying things that were hard to hear. Don’t change. And I bet Portland is beautiful!!

    Him: Thanks. I like hearing that from you. You are right, this really is a very beautiful part of the country!! Good night 😉

    Me: Sweet dreams and enjoy your trip!!

    That was it. I’m going to try to be at peace with whatever, even if it was just him remembering the past and not having any intention for the future. I miss him so much though. :/



  268.  #268Dixie on January 3, 2016 at 5:36 am

    Lovergirl….. You responded beautifully, so gracefully. Really, really wonderful, like a true Siren!!



  269.  #269Starla on January 3, 2016 at 8:26 am

    I felt so renewed yesterday in leaning back. Today feels a lot more challenging to keep it going. I think I’m going to nail it though. 🙂



  270.  #270Lovergirl on January 3, 2016 at 9:18 am

    Thank you Dixie! I didn’t know if what I was saying was “right”, I just said what was on my heart.



  271.  #271Dixie on January 3, 2016 at 9:23 am

    Sirens,

    I’m stuck and I’m hoping someone can relate….

    Something’s been making me feel so unsettled the past two months and I just need to get it out.

    I feel lost. That’s it. Not lost as in “arrghhhh”, but lost as in I don’t know if the things I wanted so much before are the same things I want now, and I don’t know 50 years from now, when I look back, if this is ALL there is.

    Running isn’t all. Teaching is huge, but it’s not all of me. I’m struggling with the space in between. Do I make a difference? Is this enough? And if it is enough, then why is there a part of me that wants more? I was once a wife, and now, that title is not very important as simply being someone’s partner in life and love, and growing together.

    Am I involved enough with my community? Am I engaged actively in making the world better, even on a local level? My job fulfills me to a great extent but not totally. I’ve raised thousands of dollars for a charity close to my heart through a yearly cycling journey, I’ve travelled, I’ve run marathons, and I know that both on paper and in truth, I have a good life. But am I shying away from opportunities because I think I’m not capable enough, or that being fully realized will scare a man away? (Yes, I know, ridiculous, but I’m riffing now)

    I feel a bit frustrated that so much energy and focus has been spent on looking for a relationship when in the end, the one relationship that excites me -with D- is the one that is challenging me to grow into myself.

    When my parents are gone, I will no longer be a dsughter, I am not a mother, and although I am part of a large family, I do not feel a clearly defined role. I am the eldest of 17 first cousins, I arrange things to keep us in contact since we are very close…. But it does not feel enough!

    In my dreams, maybe for this year, I want to let go of expectations of what my life should look like, and instead focus on who I want to be. I don’t want a husband…. I want a partner who inspires me, who is inspired by me, so that we become a beacon of light and positive action in our communities, so that we help eachother become the best versions of ourselves, so that we enjoy life and make it more enjoyable for others. I want to make a lasting difference in my community.

    All I know is that I want more, and I want to be more. I suspect that some of my dependency on D has been because of this feeling of dissatisfaction inside.

    Has anyone else felt like this?



  272.  #272BeLoved on January 3, 2016 at 10:32 am

    Dixie – Have I ever felt like that? Oh, only practically every day for the past couple of years. I believe it’s normal, our attachments to certain relationships and focusing on “him” can be a way to hide out from those feelings and thoughts.



  273.  #273Emerson on January 3, 2016 at 10:38 am

    Starla
    hang in there.
    Im in lean back mode too and it feels great. I am taking it day by day. One day at a time.



  274.  #274BeLoved on January 3, 2016 at 10:46 am

    I was told yet again by DennysCD that I am WAY TOO SERIOUS because I told him I felt icked out and didn’t like some of the things he was saying. They felt ‘middle school’ and overly familiar.
    So I did my feel/don’t want/want speech (I didn’t bother to ask him what he thinks, because last time I did he said “thinking hurts”) and got more of the “something is wrong with you for not liking my gross-out potty humor” vibe so I asked him to not contact me again.

    It feels good to feel alright with myself. I appreciate that I got yummy kisses and big bear hugs and some novel experiences.



  275.  #275Millie on January 3, 2016 at 11:07 am

    Good Morning Sirens,

    I saw M last night. One day shy of one year ago we met…Today last year. I feel calm today, peaceful, a little sad, but reflective, content, in the moment, open to what may come, but no longer holding on to what was.

    He had texted me for New Years and asked what I had done (leaning back really works!) I was sweet and nice, asked what he did back–he said nothing. M was always a bit melancholy. I left it at that, didn’t ask him anything else and later that day he asked what I was doing the next day. We talked about meeting somewhere. The next day he was all over the place. Saying he didn’t know…going from that to being sexual, trying to get me to commit to it, which I didn’t do, even though I felt open to it. I just kept saying that “I would love to see him and wanted to go with the flow and not put expectations on the evening.” After a lot of going back and forth, I finally asked him what was wrong. He said he wasn’t sure how things were going to go, so being sexual was easier, because then he would know. I felt more relaxed hearing this from him because it made me feel like he was nervous too and was using sex as more of a tool for him to feel safe and comfortable. I found that strange, but my nerves were running high too…and I had no idea how this would go either. His logic was a little funny to me and how kind of sexually weird he got in order to feel ok with this….

    Anyway, the evening went a bit backwards. It felt wonderful to see him, smell his familiar vanilla and wood scent…he kissed me right away. I tried to sit down and talk but it was SO awkward. We relinquished to kissing and had some amazingly passionate bedroom dealings. It was after that, that the talking started…

    He told me a lot of what was going on with him…and I have to say this guy is dealing with a lot…and he’s having a hard time dealing with it. Hearing him say it wasn’t me…felt so true, especially hearing all this other stuff. There’s no way his disappearing was my fault. That’s how he deals with things! He said he picked up and went back home one day, didn’t tell anyone he was back, almost bought a ticket to a complete other state to disappear….another family incident happened over the holidays and he said he was so upset he left and stayed in a hotel. He told me his mother disappears on him, doesn’t hear from her for weeks, and laughed saying he knew that sounded familiar. I told him I understood the logic in not communicating, often we don’t want to hear what the other person has to say, so we control it by shutting down. Not that I’m reprimanding him, but in communicating, people can surprise you. He said he knew what he did was wrong and he didn’t know how else to deal at the time, that he just couldn’t deal with me. It doesn’t feel good to hear that, but think he’s really a person that gets emotionally overwhelmed and runs away. Sadly…

    I feel really at peace with all of this, like I can go forward into newness, into life and leave all my self-doubt and a lot of gremlins behind. He said he doesn’t want more right now…he wants no strings attached. That stung…so he’s not even making himself an option at this point. I chalked this meeting up to being in the moment and seeing how I felt. I don’t see myself continuing to see him knowing that’s how he feels…but I want to remain open to see what he does. It may dwindle off anyway in the sea of CDing that I’m planning on doing. I just know, in situations like this…I have to believe him and not hope. He doesn’t even live here after all. He said that when he gets his house settled, I can come visit and he would take me to his favorite places. It’s too early in my book to even consider that… and I see that being very confusing for me. I want to take this one step at a time…but I know that ultimately I don’t want “no strings”…so when it doesn’t feel good, I can always say no, I can always choose…I always have a choice.

    He texted me right away after he left asking if it was ok seeing him. I said yes, it was good to see you. He said the same and asked if the s*x was ok….hahah. I didn’t reply right away and there was a string of “guess not” and sad faces. I told him it was great, because it was…and he asked if he could see me again. I made a few jokes and the conversation ended on a lighthearted note.

    I know this meeting didn’t go how “it should” or according to textbook…but I’m glad it happened and in the way it did as weird and awkward as it was.



  276.  #276Millie on January 3, 2016 at 11:14 am

    Indigo 248– thank you for this!!! You are so right, I don’t “have” to do anything!

    Zara 250– thank you for this too!! It was so helpful to read and a great reminder of about blame and bringing everything back to us.

    Tee 257–I’m so glad you found some inspiration in my post and got out and had some fun!! Yes, it’s true we can become so serious, but I think so much of being in feminine energy can create a sense of childlike wonder, where you respond to the world instead of being in your head about it…if that makes sense.

    Lovergirl–Beautifully done Siren!!! You are such an inspiration!!



  277.  #277Tee on January 3, 2016 at 11:16 am

    I think I had a breakthrough in the middle of my breakdown. My fiancé E has been partying it up over the last few days & yes, I was bothered by it.

    I had my usual thoughts, I’m gonna change the locks, who can I talk to about this who isn’t already tired of talking to me about this, etc

    Since my emotions were all over the charts, I did nothing & said even less.

    I woke up one day with this thought running through my head….’It’s not about him leaving, it’s YOUR THOUGHTS about him leaving’

    I don’t know if I read that here or heard that somewhere but it played over & over in my head.

    His hanging out, to me, signals that
    ***I’m not enough
    I’m not special
    We’re not important
    He’s can’t wait to get away from us
    He doesn’t love us
    He’s talking to other women
    He’s making plans to leave us

    So by the time I see him, I’m hurt & ready to stick a fork in him & the whole thing

    I’ve been leaning back, I think
    He talked to me about wanting to make changes in his life so he’s getting it out of the way, this partying/drinking stuff

    Sorta like eating donuts all weekend before you start your diet on Monday
    I said Nothing
    He mentioned working out & asked me if I planned on joining him
    I told him that I did have plans on going back to the gym but I wasn’t sure how it’ll work out

    This is me not asking for help or even thinking he’d help so I’ve been “alone” in trying to come up with a plan since the gym changed its hours

    So he’s like It’ll work out if you work it out…or something like that
    I said It’s free on Friday nights & before I could even finish the rest of the sentence, he says I’m not doing anything

    It dawned on me…because I continue to believe that my wants, wishes, desires aren’t anything to him….that E is a doer, a fixer.

    My only “job” is to be direct, tell him what my “problem” is and then allow him the time/space to fix it

    Another example; a few weeks back he went with me and the baby to a doctors appointment. #1. I couldn’t bring the baby inside with me & #2. I needed him to stay in the car so I wouldn’t get a ticket.

    I get there & there’s a 40 minute wait just to fill my prescription. I said I couldn’t wait & I just rescheduled the whole thing. I was so mad.

    I told E about it a few hours later. He said, I would have waited. All you had to do was call & tell me. I would have called and just told them (his job) that I’d be late.

    I always do that. I stay in my head. I don’t tell him things or ask because I assume he won’t care. Then when he asks me why I have an attitude about whatever and then I finally talk to him…he’ll tell me the ways in which he probably could have helped if he had known

    :/

    I have to get better at this, I feel like a stupid crazy person



  278.  #278Tee on January 3, 2016 at 11:32 am

    #275 Millie

    According to my little sister, I’m beyond serious. She claims all of my fun fell out of my uterus after having my son lol

    My fiancé is playful from sun-up to sun-down so I’m sure it’s not cool being around me all of the time but we’ll see

    You can be a grown-up and still have time for laughter & playfulness



  279.  #279Azure Blu on January 3, 2016 at 2:05 pm

    Dixie #234
    Wow… this feels like an unzipped open heart..
    Such an inspiration to me…
    LOVE LOVE WHAT you wrote…
    “But I know this is TRUE: when I share authentically, without blame,
    without expecting anything,
    it makes it so much easier for the other person to open up as well.
    I don’t know what the future brings,
    and for the first time really, I’m okay with that!

    I don’t need to wait for this man, but just knowing that D. loves me the best he can right now, has given me wings.”

    YES!!!
    I want to be ok with NOT knowing
    what the future brings…
    BUT I can trust it will be WONDERFUL!!!
    oxoxo



  280.  #280Azure Blu on January 3, 2016 at 2:07 pm

    Starla #238
    LOVE your playful word smithing////
    “but i forget about all that and suck on despair instead. Delicious.”
    :-))



  281.  #281Azure Blu on January 3, 2016 at 2:18 pm

    Indigo #142
    I agree… Not for them… but for us and to share our
    most vulnerable, innocent heart…
    with no expectations…
    I believe it brings healing to the universe…
    one kind word at a time…

    “I really didn’t do it for him.
    I did it because I had certain regrets about the way I handled it,
    and I wanted to let us both go off into the world with no bad vibes between us.
    Whatever’s in your heart, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with showing it –
    as long as you don’t overdo it and trounce the other person’s boundaries.”



  282.  #282Azure Blu on January 3, 2016 at 2:22 pm

    ((((Indigo…))))
    I’m sooo glad your mother is better…
    love and blessing to her!!!



  283.  #283Azure Blu on January 3, 2016 at 2:31 pm

    Emerson
    Brava, for blocking CutieCD!!!!
    A brave new wold awaits you and YOUR brave heart!!!
    oxoxo



  284.  #284Azure Blu on January 3, 2016 at 2:38 pm

    Tee #257
    Love your sharing here!!!

    I remember when I was raising my kids… I really did turn into a VERY serious, not much fun woman…
    I think you’re sooo right
    I thought If I acted VERY serious, G*d, the universe would believer me and help out more!!
    WHAT????
    It is a trap that my mother was in also…
    I didn’t have a good role model…
    She was worn out from raising 3 daughters
    and a husband who lied and cheated and abandoned us off and on over the years!!!



  285.  #285Azure Blu on January 3, 2016 at 2:44 pm

    Yes, Sirens….
    I too want to work on a good balance of adding
    a dance class and volunteering into my weeks
    to fill in my entertainment for *ME*!!!
    Yes to Me taking exquisite care of me in 2016!!!



  286.  #286Azure Blu on January 3, 2016 at 2:51 pm

    Lovergirl #266
    What a wonderful, warm loving responce to S!!!
    You are an amazing, lovely Siren
    as Dixie said… so graceful!!
    oxoxo



  287.  #287Azure Blu on January 3, 2016 at 2:58 pm

    Beloved #273
    Yay!!! YOU!!!
    Holding YOUR boundaries!! Ughhhh… to potty mouth etc!!!

    BUT you also realized that you received yummie kisses, huggs and closeness!!
    I love that when it happens!!
    and then you let them go!!!
    Ahhh the joy of being a Siren!!!



  288.  #288Starla on January 3, 2016 at 3:01 pm

    I can be very serious and very sensitive! And i say as much when men call me out on it. Agree with them:-). It’s not a power struggle in which your right to be serious is being called into question, because no man actually possesses that power, of course! So there is nothing to defend because nothing is under attack, because that would be impossible.



  289.  #289Starla on January 3, 2016 at 3:03 pm

    That said, trust your instincts if a man is too domineering, but I find agreeing with them to have a softening connecting affect. “ohhh you are so right, i feel so serious right now”.



  290.  #290Azure Blu on January 3, 2016 at 3:06 pm

    Millie #274
    Ohhh… MY …. goodness!!
    Wow… what a Siren you are!!!
    This is alll so amazing!!
    the feeling is VERY leaned back…
    And he is RESPONDING like text book…
    You sharing your true heart of “not knowing”
    Is soooo leaned back!!
    Waiting to text him back about “how was the s*x”
    Was sooo playful and leanded back
    OF COURSE he loved it!!!

    ANd realizing that YOU do want
    a man who wants a commitment…
    YOU keeping your options open
    Can you see????
    How much LOVE you are giving YOU???
    I’m inspired!!
    oxoxo



  291.  #291Tee on January 3, 2016 at 3:13 pm

    #283 Azure Blue lol aahhh the mother trap! I’ll have to adjust that, it’s not exactly productive lol

    My grandmother was that way, raising 3 kids after divorcing my abusive cheating grandfather. She also spent a lot of time at the bar

    My mother is like that but she had help. My aunt helped her raise me and I helped her to raise my sister so I’m still confused on why her life is So Hard that she’s always unhappy & drunk ugh

    And my fiancé told me that when they were at the bar she was being all loud and obnoxious and making rude sexual comments….and it’s not the first time

    Smh I don’t know what to make of her half the time but whatever, I have my own journey

    I can’t save everybody

    I just want to be the best version of myself



  292.  #292Millie on January 3, 2016 at 4:04 pm

    Azure–

    Ohh I feel so good hearing your words! I feel excited for myself and happy in my leaned back place!!! Thank you supporting me and always being so positive! Cheering on every baby step I take!
    Xoxo



  293.  #293T-Girl on January 3, 2016 at 4:14 pm

    Lillybelly I’ve been thinking about you. How are you doing?



  294.  #294Azure Blu on January 3, 2016 at 4:35 pm

    Tee #290
    Ahhh…
    I struggled with loving my mother most of my life
    She had a cold, addiction to religion
    and could never show me (or anyone else)
    love… only judgement and withdrawing,,
    I too had to help raise my younger sister.

    What finally changed our dynamic
    was ME changing My reaction to her…
    I decided to accept her just like she was
    I stopped treating her like she treated me…
    I started asking her about her childhood
    and how things made her feel…
    I stopped judging her about her religion (addiction)
    I set my boundaries about any treatment
    I didn’t like… in feeling messages
    softly and kindly (welll, most of the time)
    Of course change happens slowly…
    but 10 yrs later our love is close and warm…
    She actually acts like a mother now
    and because I was able to accept and appreciate
    the LOVE she can give me (stopped insisting on the love I “thought” she SHOULD be giving me)…
    she gives me
    more than I could have ever imagined!!!



  295.  #295BeLoved on January 3, 2016 at 4:46 pm

    Starla – usually I do own my seriousness! I *love* my seriousness, I crack myself up with it 🙂 It wasn’t that in and of itself, although I do hear what you are saying about the power struggle and I will sit with that, it was a bunch of little things that added up to “this isn’t working for me”.



  296.  #296Azure Blu on January 3, 2016 at 4:52 pm

    Tee #276
    Mmmm…. to me this part of you that
    is soo frightened to let E into your heart
    (I have to take care of EVERYTHING cause He won’t)
    might go back to your little girl…
    when you were growing up…
    and You having to raise yourself and your parents…

    Maybe it would feel good for you to explore
    the deep whole that you feel is in your heart
    from not getting what you needed back then?
    Which may not have much to do with E

    I have noticed over the years… in my relationships…
    I would (and still to this day) set up situations
    to ensure the same familiar sinario would happen
    over and over… My Comfort Zone…
    even thought the other person
    really didn’t have that in mind>>>
    a difficult chain to break!
    But Rori’s tools are SOOO great
    for breaking it all down!
    (and me working on resolving my relationship with my mother)
    Yay!!



  297.  #297Tee on January 3, 2016 at 5:19 pm

    #293 Azure Blue, that’s sweet!
    I’m not entirely sure what to say.
    It seems like all my mother wants to do is have a good time without responsibility. The minute you bring her back to reality, she seems pissed.

    She doesn’t call me & she seems content not seeing us at all despite her working in the city we live in. I wouldn’t bother to visit if my sister didn’t still live at home.

    I don’t feel any love from her
    She acts like she got stuck with us somehow
    I don’t really call her because she doesn’t seem like she wants to talk half the time

    It’s like as long as things remain superficial & you don’t try to get too deep or expect anything other than a good time then she’s cool

    Unfortunately, those are not the type of children she has. We feel, we wanna talk & be heard
    We want closeness & friendship, etc

    All of this apparently makes her anxious. She prefers people that she can drink with or who she barely sees

    It’s odd. I only see her like once a month if that & that’s if I go visit so how can you change the dynamic?

    I’m curious



  298.  #298Azure Blu on January 3, 2016 at 5:29 pm

    Tee…
    I am soo blown away by your deep insights into
    your day to day dynamic with your son, E, sister and MOM!!
    it is inspiring

    I was thinking… that when we are sooo serious…
    it might be us rescuing the other person/people from having to be serious…
    it lets’ them off the hook…
    BUT when we find our light heartdness…
    they have more space to be serious?

    I know Spirit used to tell me, when he was being silly or playfull or irresponsible… “Ohh… I’m such a kid… like a 16 year old”
    as if HE had the CORNER on childishness!!!
    (the part of him that didn’t act accountable, totally selfish)…

    Of course some of it was ok… but I realized… I don’t want a 16 yr old
    I want a MAN —-who hasn’t lost his playfulness…
    I didn’t say anything for a year… and then one night I said…
    “I don’t want a 16 year old… I want a man that is all grown up!”
    I could tell that he “heard” me…
    So interesting, looking back… he never said that again and he has acted much more grown up!
    Still playfull (Yay)
    Rori is soooo right…
    The power of asking for what we want!



  299.  #299Dixie on January 3, 2016 at 5:34 pm

    278 Azure Blu…

    Thank you hugs to you!

    Today’s felt like a trying day…. While I’m trying to figure things out, I realized that I’ve been putting my life on hold for so long. And as for D, well, he’s living his life, following his dreams, so why am I not living mine?

    I’ve been so afraid to commit to more at work, in life in general because I always imagined a partner beside me, and ….. I’ve been WAITING. Yes, I’ve been ultimately waiting, and what a HUGE revelation. I’ve been scared to take on more because I always imagined it would feel exhausting and overwhelming to manage everything on my own.

    So here’s the shift for me. I’m going to turn that waterwheel full force towards me this year; D loves me, and I love him, but he’s not here, and he hasn’t mentioned anything really about a future with me. And if I just take baby steps to the life I want, then I’m going to believe that my Forever Man will meet me on that journey.

    I’m not feeling resentful, but I was there for D for many years as a friend, confidante and lover, and watched with giddy pride as he made his passions come true. But here I am, feeling like I’m now on the sidelines of my own life.

    ((Lily belly)) just a quick note to say that I’m thinking of you, hoping that you got through the weekend



  300.  #300Dixie on January 3, 2016 at 5:36 pm

    I’ve been reading two books, very different, but both very enjoyable: the recent one by Mindy Kaling “Why Not Me?” and “Hard Choices” by Hillary Clinton…both feel inspiring for different reasons.



  301.  #301BeLoved on January 3, 2016 at 5:48 pm

    Starla – so, I told the guy I was going to my sister’s for brisket, and later he asked me if I was ‘getting your dance on, or did the brisket kick you in the anal canal’?

    I told him, this text sounds like it came from your anal canal. 😀

    More stupid pokes came after that, and I don’t enjoy that kind of banter. I don’t like feeling like I’m dealing with a middle schooler.

    If there is a better way to respond to this, I am wayyy open to hearing it.



  302.  #302IamHis on January 3, 2016 at 5:53 pm

    Five guys are literally texting me at once. & at some point, I just started crying. Because I’m sharing different parts of myself with all of them.

    & I miss one guy. The one I’m not talking to…



  303.  #303Azure Blu on January 3, 2016 at 5:58 pm

    Tee #296
    This is just my thoughts…
    but to me everything you are mentioning
    Is YOU trying to make her BE someone different.

    Controlling WHO she is and HOW she acts…

    What I started doing was applying Rori’s Tools
    to my relationship with EVERYONE…
    including
    MY Mother…
    When My mother would be particularly cold or withdrawing on the phone I started saying things like
    “I really like talking to you on the phone.”
    or when she would say something really small that
    was just a LITTLE nice… I would thank her or say
    “That makes me feel really good when you say/do that.”
    It was REALLY hard to say in the beginning…
    But Rori says… “Fake it at first”
    It was the beginning of me building a bridge to a better relationship
    Rori’s Mantra
    Trust Your Boundaries
    
Follow Your Feelings

    Choose Your Words

    Be Surprised
    (where Rori uses the word Man i changed to Mother)

    “Most of us never learned to trust ourselves, so we try to hide our real emotions, we
    speak to our mothers in ways they can’t hear,
    and try to control our mothers and our relationships.

    The Mantra teaches you how to stand up for yourself
    by believing in the strength
    and goodness of your boundaries,
    how to find your real feelings
    and express them in words a mother can hear,
    and how to have a soul connection with her by allowing yourself to be VULNERABLE.

    Small changes — sometimes just in the language you use —
    can often turn a relationship completely around!!”



  304.  #304Emerson on January 3, 2016 at 6:10 pm

    Thanks azure blue!

    Hi T-girl!!!



  305.  #305Emerson on January 3, 2016 at 6:17 pm

    I’m allowing myself to feel all these feelings about CuteCityCD like anger and curiosity but I don’t have to act upon the feelings.
    We have crazy hot chemistry which is why I feel so compelled to keep up the contact. But for now I won’t.
    He’s blocked and will remain that way at least for now.

    I’m craving having that chemistry with someone. I miss it.

    Blah.



  306.  #306Tee on January 3, 2016 at 6:31 pm

    #295 Azure Blue!
    You’re so awesomely perceptive!
    I think I tend to cut the whole Mom thing off because it’s less painful /stressful to deal with

    I grew up feeling unwanted (I see that now)

    My father didn’t want me
    My mom didn’t
    My Godfather kinda did but was too afraid of his wife to take a real stand

    My aunt loved me & wanted me
    We’re still very close but to say that I have abandonment/trust issues is an understatement

    I think there were instances where my mom & her siblings (at least her brother ) felt unwanted and…..I know some of my family history

    My Grandmother apparently left my 15 year old mother at the hospital after I was born because she “didn’t get her pregnant”…and my Grandmother’s mother left her with their Dad (and her 2 sisters) and moved to another state.
    I heard that the reason was because she was being abused. If that’s true, why leave your children to be raised by an “abuser”?

    My Grandmother ended up raising her younger sister as well

    My family history interestingly sad



  307.  #307Tee on January 3, 2016 at 6:35 pm

    #302 Azure Blue,

    That’s true. I wish she were different & E too. I don’t mean that disrespectfully but I feel like we don’t speak the same language lol

    E at least tries. My mom just shuts down like we’re a firing squad coming to get her



  308.  #308Zara on January 3, 2016 at 7:57 pm

    Tee

    My mother made me help so we could pay the bills
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6WQQV8CTU88

    My mother is selfish and controlling
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=537k_2J3xnM

    My mother does not see me
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ySU3z1PoOIA

    My mother shamed me
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=q71APV6LUjI

    I want my mother to be happy
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OhFdeWLjf5k

    1) She is irresponsable
    2) Jealousy
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2xaZrcpN-6Q

    Mum, I want you to listen, to take your responsibilities
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ptxtg3EydYA

    xxx



  309.  #309Tee on January 3, 2016 at 8:11 pm

    #307 Zara,

    Queen of links & research, thank you Dear 🙂



  310.  #310Femininewoman on January 3, 2016 at 8:42 pm

    How are you Lilybelly?



  311.  #311Emerson on January 3, 2016 at 9:16 pm

    Zara
    Thank you for pointing out these clips on youtube, I love Byron Katie. I forgot about all these tools…”is it true…”
    I know this was meant for another siren but it is useful to me as well.
    I have been watching the videos about opening the heart….
    Ties in with this article…how to love going first..



  312.  #312Lilybelly on January 4, 2016 at 3:38 am

    Tgirl, Dixie, FW,

    Thank you for checking in on me. It means more than you know.

    To be honest, I am not sure how I feel. This may come out all jumbled up but it’s just thoughts pouring out..feel free to comment.

    I am confused. He is insisting, adamantly insisting this did not happen, that this crazy dude created all of this. (We do know he is crazy, restraining order crazy) I have felt scared and unsafe in my own home for the last five days. J has been gone since Saturday, supposedly looking for him so he can prove his innocence. There has been very little communication between us. I want the truth…for ME, whatever that truth is and the hell with not needing closure. He tells me he loves me very much and hopes we can get back to the us we were but is very afraid it is too late. I love him deeply, which is part of what makes this so hard. Sounds stupid, right?

    This all borderlines on mental and emotional abuse. I am fearful and despite my strength, feel very close to checking in. For additional mental health help and a feeling of safety.

    I am not sleeping, getting naps here and there though, everything I eat or try to eat does not remain with me and the tears still come. I suppose reading this, I would appear weak. This is a trauma..a huge trauma and I would not wish this on anyone…ever.

    I have had lots of support but have remained alone..
    I have thought about running…getting a plane ticket and heading to Florida to the safety of my Dad..and I guess that is still an option. Maybe it is just that I need space.

    I have thought of putting my home on the market and moving to some quiet, quaint little town to begin again but I still think, what if he is telling the truth.. And then I think, but there was a photo of his man meat..and he says it’s one he sent me and he may be right but how does one get it unless it is sent. Cloud hacking? Wtf..

    So, I am a bit of a mess, called in to work this morning. I am not ready to be a big, professional girl. I look horrible, bags for miles under my eyes and the tears still come unexpectedly. I can’t go back to stuffing my feelings again.

    Insanity..absolute insanity.

    I have been reading, taking care of myself as best I can, enjoying mindless television and lots of quiet time..no noise..just me, the dog and the fireplace.and prayer…lots and lots of prayer.

    Please add me to yours too.



  313.  #313Azure Blu on January 4, 2016 at 4:04 am

    Tee #305
    Ahhh… you have a deep insight into much
    of your family’s pain and suffering,,,,

    My desire to understand and to heal my relationship with my mother
    came from reading “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Learner… This book changed my life (I read and studied it 20 years ago)
    She believes that unless we heal our relationships with our first family… it is difficult to break the chains that keep us stuck.



  314.  #314Indigo on January 4, 2016 at 4:19 am

    (((Lillybelly)))

    I am so sorry for what you are going through.

    Caring for yourself, as well as trying to sift through all the evidence to try and figure out what did and didn’t happen and what is and isn’t true, must take SO much energy.

    In those sorts of situations, I myself run for a while – to wherever feels safe, wherever feels recharging, to whoever I know will be caring and will understand, whoever won’t put pressure on me. Wherever and whoever that may be. Sometimes it may be a particular close friend’s house, or it might be my family’s home. Or it might even be booking myself into a little cottage in the country by myself if I really need to get away. In times like this, you often don’t want to face the reality of your life. A few days normally wonders for me. Maybe in caring for yourself you just need to give yourself the gift of not thinking or talking about it for a while?



  315.  #315Femininewoman on January 4, 2016 at 4:37 am

    Lillybelly thanks for sharing darling. What I don’t get is why you feel unsafe in your home. Did J threaten to hurt you in any way?

    If there is any truth it doesn’t stop you from loving him so no you are not crazy and I believe it is quite normal for you to still love him. Also definitely not weak. I read Bob Huizenga who writes about infidelity and I get that it is traumatic.

    I have had lots of support but have remained alone..is counterproductive and I encourage you to accept the help. If there is a place to check in and you have been debating about it I’d encourage you to check in. A few days of support and out of the environment can make a huge difference whether the allegations are true or false. It could get you to focus your attention fully on yourself.



  316.  #316Lilybelly on January 4, 2016 at 4:48 am

    No, he hasn’t threatened me at all. He is vehemently insisting this didn’t happen.

    I just feel scared and unsafe. The guy who sent this to me knows where I live, knows this is a private drive because he mentioned the no trespassing sign that is posted, right down to exactly where it is located and its color. He tracked me down at work..so I feel really creeped out. I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that something bad is going to happen. Of course, that could be because J has been out for two days looking for him.



  317.  #317Azure Blu on January 4, 2016 at 5:00 am

    ((((Lillybell)))
    My darling… I feel awful to hear about your
    extreme situation…
    I agree with Indigo…
    If it were me…I would be with a friend or family… Lean WAY back from J…
    Whether he is telling the truth or not…
    … He has caused this issue…



  318.  #318Starla on January 4, 2016 at 5:31 am

    I did a terrible job of leaning back, but at least i leaned forward into some very patient and loving arms. I did have some great moments though of leaning back and making myself happy. More today:-). My favorite lean back moment yesterday was when i went to my place to do laundry and some things on the computer, and when i did some yoga.



  319.  #319Starla on January 4, 2016 at 6:57 am

    Lilybelly it sounds awful.



  320.  #320Starla on January 4, 2016 at 7:21 am

    Lilybelly, it seems like you are tying yourself up like a pretzel trying to be “fair”. But what do you want? How about a break from the drama, period? I wonder that other sirens would say, but I would ask him to move out temporarily. I also wonder if you think he is the best you can do.



  321.  #321Tee on January 4, 2016 at 8:08 am

    (((LB)))



  322.  #322Tee on January 4, 2016 at 8:15 am

    #312 Azure Blue

    It’s so easy for me to blame those who have left me but those who have stayed caused just as much damage.

    I understand that they were only doing what they knew. Maybe they felt pissed off at whatever life threw at them & it trickled down onto the children

    Yes life can be rough with or without a partner but I don’t think I could treat my son as I’ve been treated.

    Granted he’s only 2 and Lord knows what I’m in for as he grows up but I’m hoping we’ll have a close & healthy relationship

    I might just have to be the catalyst for so many things



  323.  #323T-Girl on January 4, 2016 at 8:57 am

    Lillybely, What doesn’t make sense is what motivation would this guy have if it wasn’t true? I don’t know…I would just want to take care of me. J can do whatever he needs to to make himself feel better (looking for the guy) but you need take care of you in case the truth never comes out.



  324.  #324Millie on January 4, 2016 at 9:07 am

    Lilybelly–

    My heart goes out to you… I don’t think you sound stupid at all, very sane in fact. Trauma has its way of blurring things, but staying by the dog, the fireplace, and in quiet sounds like a wonderful and safe place to be.



  325.  #325Millie on January 4, 2016 at 9:18 am

    Yesterday I stayed very quiet too… I let myself “just be” and sink into feelings as they came up. Didn’t really “do” anything besides buy a new tv! Yay! My home felt so cozy with the christmas tree still up, the lights, a cup of earl grey tea, the heater and watching movies on a new big screen. I felt so content.

    Sinking into feeling of M….and to be honest I don’t really know if they are there…truly. I think whatever remains are pieces from before…and also that whole “unavailable man–I’m seeking my self-worth from because if he loves me then I’m good enough” syndrome, which I really want to eradicate. So I don’t really know how I feel about him. Except that FWB or no strings attached feels like a huge step backward for me and not one that I really want to embark on. Yes, I knew that beforehand…but I did really want to see how I felt around him. Nervous, but ok…comfortable, but not….surrendering…not inquisitive.

    I wrote out a few messages…just for myself:

    “I appreciate you being honest with me about what you’re looking for…and not looking for right now, and looking out for my heart. I want to live a life full of passion and love. I feel that when I am with you and I don’t want to hold back.”
    (I’m not really sure that I want to use the word love though)

    “That said, I cannot honestly give you no strings attached. I feel so happy I got to see you and share a fun night together.”

    “Thank you for being open with me and sharing the events surrounding the breakup. I feel at peace receiving closure. I want to live a life full of passion and love, but nsa situations prohibit that for me. So, I can’t go forward in this.”

    “We don’t want the same things anymore…As much as I would love to keep seeing you and being with you, I can’t continue.”

    Like I said yesterday, I do want to take this one step at a time and see how I feel…so I’m keeping this for me right now. I just don’t want to fall prey to thinking there is a possibility he will change his mind, or feelings will be renewed. And if that is not a possibility, then why am I doing this as it is at this moment?

    Any tweaks on my speeches would feel helpful!
    Thanks Sirens!



  326.  #326Indigo on January 4, 2016 at 9:45 am

    Millie,

    I so feel where you are at right now.

    Before Bush Boy came to visit the other day, I thought I would have given anything to see him again. In the time since I had last seen him I had missed him so much, and even though in the intervening time we had talked about the fact that we couldn’t do long distance, and that if we saw each other it would have to be on a purely fun basis, and I had agreed to that and agreed that I saw the sense in that… Those were his terms, not mine. I didn’t want purely fun, don’t know when I’ll hear from you again. Subconsciously, I thought “just fun” would turn into attachment, which would turn into love, which would turn into a long term plan. I didn’t want to admit that to myself, but it was there.

    So when he came to see me, and I think he would have been happy to continue seeing me on an extremely casual basis, I was ill-equipped to deal with what happened after. I could never regret him coming to see me, because I absolutely loved every moment of it, and it was so wonderful to see him and it was something I had wished for for months, but I really wasn’t truly honest with myself. And that’s ok. I’ve learnt something from this experience.

    I’ve learnt that before you agree to casual, or “no strings attached” (I don’t know why, but I really hate that term), you need to play out all the various scenarios in your head that could result from that arrangement, and ascertain if you are ok with them. You also have to ask yourself if you will be tempted to do some heavy leaning forward in the form of contacting him, Facebook stalking him, asking him for reassurance or feeling insecure or anxious. You need to ask yourself how you feel about him not contacting you for days or even weeks, not taking you out on dates possibly, him dating or becoming physical with other people, him possibly becoming cold or withdrawn towards you. Not that any of these necessarily will or should happen, but you need to make sure that you can emotionally handle all the ramifications of casual.

    In my case I could not. And that’s a good thing. Now I know that he’s not someone I can be just friends with, or just casual with, and that’s a GOOD thing. It means if he ever comes back around, I can be a complete girl and go for romance only.



  327.  #327Starla on January 4, 2016 at 11:26 am

    On the treadmill right now! Just walking, which is better than nothing. I feel taken care of. By me, lol.



  328.  #328Millie on January 4, 2016 at 12:30 pm

    Indigo– I didn’t know bush boy came back?! Yeah I can definitely relate to your situation!! One thing I really feel though is that I was really honest with myself and really meant that I was open. That I had no attachment to the outcome. Whether he changed his mind or not. It was purely for my pleasure and curiousity. When he asked me about being no strings attached, I said I didn’t know… That I had to see how I felt once we were together. I also said I understood what he wanted and that no, I wasn’t going to call him after. To me, I was completely honest with myself and speaking truthfully. In my eyes I didn’t commit to anything other than one night, and committing to not contact him afterwards. The way I look at it, with no strings attached, there is no commitment on either part. So I am not committed to continue anything. It is case by case, day by day. Do I want that??? I think it’s good practice for really leaning back and being in the moment and experiencing pleasure, but as you said you have to be aware of all the possible scenarios, but at the end of the day thinking about all that is being focused on what he’s doing.

    Yeah I admit I fantasized of him continuing to spend time with me in a pressure less environment and his love becomes renewed… He asks me to go back with him and proclaims he is an idiot for leaving me. But, is that my “self worth” talking? Is thst my seeking validation happening? And even IF that did happen, would I want it??? At this moment I can’t see myself committing to him even IF that happened. I would ask him to commit to open communication, that if he needed space, if he felt the desire to disappear and run, to tell me… And hopefully to work through that and gain trust with each other. This is a huge scenario that will likely never happen.

    The question is…. Am I serving myself more by closing this door? Or am I serving myself more by choosing to be open? And being surprised of what may come through the door…and being open to not being surprised… Being open to things not changing. Giving it time, not worrying… All this sounds amazing, and I’m so willing to do it! But is this notion of no strings attached a door shutter…i don’t think I need to go out of my way to shut it now. If he contacts me and I want to see him, I’ll see him. If he contacts me and I don’t feel up to it, then I won’t. Can I live that simply?



  329.  #329Tee on January 4, 2016 at 1:00 pm

    #327 Awesome questions Millie 🙂



  330.  #330Femininewoman on January 4, 2016 at 1:09 pm

    Lilybelly I agree with T-Girl. The only thing I’d add is that this stranger will now seem to be getting your trust over your beloved. If it turns out that he is lying he will have broken your team even further. Right now I believe it is best to find a way to let J know that this man has made you feel unsafe in your own home and the fact that (J’s) continuous absence is helping to feed your anxiety. See if you can find it in yourself to let him know you are not focused on what he did or didn’t do with this woman. You need to somehow do something to take care of yourself because you are so deathly afraid you feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Let him know you don’t want to focus on him and this woman right now because you can do that when you feel better. The truth will come to light. Right now it is about you because the possibility that this guy can hurt you physically is your fear and you don’t feel safe in your own home. You are married to J but you don’t own him and believe it or not he can choose to do whatever he wants to with his body. You get to choose if you want to hang around and deal with his choices.



  331.  #331Femininewoman on January 4, 2016 at 1:15 pm

    Millie I love the last para of your script



  332.  #332Femininewoman on January 4, 2016 at 1:21 pm

    Millie if he feels he needs not to just tell you. Let him or any man know that we can talk about it and renegotiate the terms of exclusivity if that is what he wants. “Just tell me” suggest a dictator type relationship where you have no power and I have to ask if that is what you want.



  333.  #333Femininewoman on January 4, 2016 at 1:24 pm

    You can live that simply. In the moment. As long as you are not treating him more special than any other man. If you are not sleeping with other guys you are cdating ask yourself why would you choose to sleep with him? If it is just dating then, yeah, it is no strings attached. It is just dating.



  334.  #334Millie on January 4, 2016 at 1:37 pm

    Femininewoman– I want to make sure I’m understanding you comment about dictatorship. You mean that if he says what he wants and if I don’t challenge it then I’m letting him dictate the relarionship? I didn’t challenge it… Because I wasn’t sure how I would feel or what I would want after seeing him. I think you bring a really good point about asking to renegotiate. Although I think he’s pretty clear on it not happening. Can you clarify the script you are suggesting?



  335.  #335Femininewoman on January 4, 2016 at 1:47 pm

    This is the script – “We don’t want the same things anymore…As much as I would love to keep seeing you and being with you, I can’t continue.”

    Dictatorship – “that if he needed space, if he felt the desire to disappear and run, to tell me”

    It suggests “to me” that you are giving away your power and it is not attractive. You should have a say in what happens. If says he wants space you should be able to ask how much space he wants and agree or disagree. What if it doesn’t work for you and you want to reopen your options while he takes his space? A relationship is an agreement between two people. If a man asks for space he should understand that you appreciate his need and that you can talk about it. He should just tell you and then walk away. That doesn’t sound like a relationship to me. The relationship has needs of its own and if both people walk away from it then it will wither and die.



  336.  #336Femininewoman on January 4, 2016 at 1:49 pm

    You are not challenging it. You are negotiating by letting him know what will work for you then you discuss together to find a balance between the two. The energy behind challenge is too intense and suggest masculine – to me.



  337.  #337Millie on January 4, 2016 at 1:57 pm

    Femininewoman–thanks! I understand now… I didn’t actually say any of those scripts to him… But thank you for pointing out the dictatorship thing, I didn’t realize it sounded that way. I’m interested in developing a script for negotiating, especially with that particular situation in case I do have the opportunity to use it, on him or someone else. I don’t want to be someone who gives away my power… I’m not using being “open” as an initiation to be stepped on, but I wonder if I brought up the idea of dating again… Would that be masculine? if I tweeted the script to say I’m open to dating… But I can’t do a physical only relationship? I don’t know, I have to think about that. Not that I’m scared of what he’ll say, I just want to nail the scripting.



  338.  #338Dixie on January 4, 2016 at 3:53 pm

    Lilybelly, I like FW and Indigos perspective. Safety is key. For me, I’d tell J that I don’t feel safe in the house, the truth that I’m not sure how I feel about him, and then…. Ask him to leave OR you go somewhere where you feel safe, where you can sort your thoughts and feelings.

    My instinct here is to go with your gut feekings, your deepest intuition on this, even if it points to some upsetting realizations.

    If I did it differently years ago, I would tell my closest friends, tell them I needed support, then dive into their open arms. The biggest thing I regret was isolating myself, by believing that I had to sort this out myself. I felt ashamed and embarrassed when really, I had nothing wrong.

    I know it’s scary – one day at a time, and look after yourself right now. Xx



  339.  #339Dixie on January 4, 2016 at 3:56 pm

    FW: love the tweaks to the script for Millie!

    Millie, just a small question because I care for you and feel protective: do you need to send this script, or are you planning on having it ready in case he contacts you again?



  340.  #340Millie on January 4, 2016 at 4:09 pm

    Dixie, I am going to wait and see if he contacts me again and go from there. I don’t see a need to reach out. And the script about him needing to tell me if he needs space was something I only wanted to bring up if he asked to date me again or if that came up. I wasn’t planning on saying it out of nowhere.



  341.  #341Azure Blu on January 4, 2016 at 4:10 pm

    ((((TEE))) #321
    You are such an awesome Siren…
    Your warm, loving heart is
    Shinning brightly for your family!!!
    oxoxo



  342.  #342Azure Blu on January 4, 2016 at 4:12 pm

    Zara!!!
    Thank youSoooo much for these links to Katie Byrons videos!!!
    Just what I needed to hear to keep taking my baby steps into opening my heart to my mom, sister and children!!!
    oxoxo



  343.  #343Tee on January 4, 2016 at 4:56 pm

    Awww thanks Azure Blue #340

    There are days when this all sucks.
    Who’s here for me? Where’s my cavalry? I know that each day I’ll feel differently & on those days I’ll use whatever opportunities there are to speak gently

    Today is a good day
    I think I’ll text my mom
    I really don’t have much to say to her but she did buy me this soap ages ago

    This yummy honey almond moisturizing bath bar that’s freakin awesome & it comes in this exotic looking white & gold box

    The fragrance isn’t overpowering & I feel really luxurious and fancy when I use it so I’ll see if I can find out where she got it

    Maybe this isn’t a major step but it’s something lol



  344.  #344Mable on January 4, 2016 at 5:04 pm

    Lilybelly,
    It has taken a lot to get me to post something here online–though, for years I have benefitted so much from all the Sirens on Rori’s blog. I am posting something because I feel afraid reading about your situation. I have been gaslighted so much in my past by my ex-partner. I don’t feel that the fear of danger is coming from the guy who sent you the pics–he might be just as upset & bewildered & feel in danger as you. I feel that I have to write this as honestly as I can and yet don’t want to be an alarmist (so please filter this all through your own experience & knowledge)–please make sure you are checking in with someone you trust at least a couple times a day if you choose to not leave your home at this point. I would make sure that J. knows that you are checking in with other people and that they are apprised of your situation with him (even if you give them his side of the story). Let someone whose level-headed wisdom you respect, who won’t judge, listen to your story and see the evidence. Can you talk with your father about this (minus the pics)? I feel that it might be a good thing to let J. know that others have access to the pics, names, numbers etc. if something should happen to you. My gut reaction to your situation is great concern–seeing big red flags all over the place. Please, for your own safety, be a little sceptical of what J. is saying and make your safety a priority instead–not him or his feelings. I feel that in your own good time you can figure out what you want and your next step. I feel that this intense time will subside and the way will be clearer. How do you feel about contacting the other woman and ask her to speaking to you honestly and confidentially?



  345.  #345Millie on January 4, 2016 at 8:18 pm

    Tee– I love reading about your soap!! It makes think of spoiling myself, wrapping myself in warmth and luxury, my skin feeling softer, caressing it….taking in the little things, immersing in a scent. I love it!



  346.  #346Tee on January 4, 2016 at 8:27 pm

    Sharing 🙂

    Alot of times when E gets off from work he’ll hang downstairs listening to music and singing. Lots of 80s & 90s R&B music. One of his favorite groups is Boyz II Men

    I’ve been a little more on the quiet side with him due to the whole staying out too late thing but I did listen when he talked of wanting/needing to make changes in his life

    Anyways, about 15 minutes ago he sent me a text message telling me that this song was for me & to listen

    Here’s the lyrics:

    I’m all alone
    No one to cry on
    I need shelter from the rain
    To ease the pain
    Of changing from Boyz II Men
    No one to guide me
    I’m all alone
    No one to cry on
    I need shelter from the rain
    To ease the pain
    Of changing from Boyz II Men

    I didn’t know what to say, if anything so I just sent him a smiley face
    I wanna guess as to what it all means but I’m afraid that too much thinking/analyzing in my case turns into DOING & Over-functioning
    I feel like I wanna hug him
    Yet I also feel like maybe I need to allow him to come my way & see what happens

    Am I doing too much again? Already?
    I need to retire this cape lol



  347.  #347Millie on January 4, 2016 at 8:33 pm

    Not to be a blog hog or anything, but I live alone and I really like posting here during this transitional time..

    Tonight I bought myself a bouquet of flowers, because I love flowers! They are kind of an obtuse and measly bunch, but I was drawn to one flower in particular…yellow with a large orange center and orange around its petals like they’ve been singed. Probably accomplished by food coloring, but it won me over nonetheless.

    I had a bit of a moment today where I started to feel the gremlins come back…telling me I messed up, that a real siren would have never let that guy touch her again…that I’m weak…that I made the wrong choice, that I wasted so much of my time…and I listened to them, let them talk for a minute…and then told myself “I did what I felt was right in the moment. I defend myself. I stand up for what I believe. I will not let anyone make me feel bad, not even myself, for the choices I’ve made. There is no purpose in regret here…” I’m really trying to not go into critical mode anymore. If I come out of this experience with any lesson, it’s that I need to be way easier on myself…and maybe hold others to more accountability.

    Anyway, I’m talking to two other guys from online and have plans with friends tomorrow night, which I’m looking forward to!!! Part of me doesn’t want to tell them that I saw M… one because I don’t really want to talk about it. two because I don’t want their opinions–which I know will be “he’s an a**hole. You deserve so much better” And they are right….I don’t want to always be the friend with guy issues anymore.

    I feel really intrigued with negotiating scripts now…It is uncharted territory for me since I have such limited experience. Would love to hear more…



  348.  #348Tee on January 4, 2016 at 8:33 pm

    #343 Yes Millie this soap is great! My mom said that she got it from Burlington Coat Factory so the next time I’m over that way I’ll see what else they have. And it’s a huge bar of soap too, like the size of a brick! Or maybe half of a brick lol but its a pretty decent size! Makes me feel like some Egyptian Goddess lol

    Can’t wait to see what other yummy combinations of soap I can find 🙂



  349.  #349Dixie on January 4, 2016 at 8:59 pm

    Millie… “If I come out of this experience with any lesson, it’s that I need to be way easier on myself.” Yes, yes! Xox

    Sirens, I’m feeling despondent. My ex husband called and…. I’m in a soup of emotions. I miss having someone who once was a partner, I miss having someone here, I don’t miss all the heartache he caused, but I miss having someone here. Who is present.

    I felt so triggered, so sad, and started crying. I know he means well to check up on me, I suspect he still feels badly. And I miss that connection. I started grieving all over again. Tonight I’m feeling massively overwhelmed with deadlines, just bad dreams, anxiety, the works. And I just wish I had a partner here who was consistent, who wanted to be here for me, who could be the reassurance that I need sometimes.

    Reading his texts today reminded me of how different my life used to be…. And how I miss the best parts of a partnership.

    No, I don’t have feelings for him per se, but I have feelings of loss for what we once had.



  350.  #350Liquid Light on January 4, 2016 at 10:08 pm

    Zara,

    Thank you so much for posting the Byron Katie links! I’ve been watching them all day while I did my art. I feel like I’m healing my soul through my art and my heart through her words. Its absolutely awesome!

    I really love her. So powerful. I love the idea of questioning my beliefs that make me suffer. Her concept that everything that makes us suffer or stressed is not true and needs to be questioned to figure out the underlying false belief is just astounding. I’ve heard her ideas before but this time, they seem absolutely powerful and mind blowing….so Thank you!!!!



  351.  #351Emerson on January 4, 2016 at 10:44 pm

    345 Hmm Negotiating scripts!! This is something I need! I think it’s in one of Rori’s programs?
    Millie I love that you bought flowers for yourself!
    xoxo
    Love,
    Emerson



  352.  #352Azure Blu on January 5, 2016 at 12:42 am

    Liquid Light…
    I know what you mean… I have listened to her videos before and didn’t get as much from them (of course, some are better than others)
    This time as I listened, I think I must be in a different place emotionally and more ready and am understanding better what she means…



  353.  #353Azure Blu on January 5, 2016 at 1:04 am

    Tee #46
    I too could feel the luxurious smells and sensations of the yummie soap!!

    To me this would seem like a great opportunity to practice opening your heart to your mothers love?

    I can imagine she might have been very happy that she had made YOU happy
    by giving you soap that you like!
    and you were giving her appreciation
    and having a non blaming, short conversation (baby steps) about something regular..
    How did it go?



  354.  #354Tee on January 5, 2016 at 6:21 am

    #351 Azure Blue

    Well it didn’t happen as I thought it would lol but that’s ok. It was kinda like Yeah, I got it from Burlington Coat Factory, do you have one in your area?

    I said Yes, and I’m interested in seeing what other fragrances I can find

    Annnddd that was that. However, I’m seeing that I may have to “speak” to her masculine side

    (Man I need like graphs & visual aids to get it all figured out lol)

    Actually, and this isn’t much of a shock but most of the women in my family operate strictly from their Boy energy

    My mother constantly wants praise for what she Does & Provides…if you want to sit, hold hands, share and drink tea lol she is not your girl

    She’s pretty straight forward & doesn’t spend too much time on the phone & she’s always on the move, sorta like my fiancé which explains why they get along & why I feel I have a hard time relating

    Another shocker, my mother has no partner….I don’t think she knows how to be in a relationship so she settles for being the Life of the Party wherever she goes

    Most of her male friends mysteriously disappear & it always makes me curious as to why & what happened

    My aunt is in this S&M relationship & she only deals with submissive men lol but she’s not so much into her boy energy that I can share things with her

    My cousin is married but she is manning that entire relationship & inwardly she is beyond pissed & frustrated but as long as things look great outwardly, she’s “ok”
    Her husband thinks of himself as an Alpha but I get a different impression

    He’s the “I’m gonna give her whatever she wants because it’s just easier that way” type. It’s like he’s just there to say Yes and hold her purse while she shops

    My fiancé is definitely a MAN
    He’s not gonna Yes you all day long, he will argue and stand up for himself
    He’s loud, he’s funny, he enjoys drinking, sports, talking trash, having fun…he also cooks and cleans

    So I think that I am perceptive yet I don’t always know how best to apply what I know with certain people



  355.  #355Starla on January 5, 2016 at 8:03 am

    Tee, your mom sounds like she is always running from her own deep shame and fear. This is going to sound weird, but I am actually a little jealous of your mom. A single mom but not “defeated.” My mother was a single one and was pretty much just helpless and depressed all the time. She doesn’t “do” much of anything.

    I think it’s awesome that you are thinking about your mother and processing some things about her and your relationship. You see how vulnerable she truly is underneath her outward ways. That is beautiful. And maybe your softness and understanding can shift the vibe of your relationship with her or maybe not at all, but it’s great that you’re taking an inventory of women you can be emotionally close and connected with in your life.



  356.  #356Shea McNaughton on January 5, 2016 at 8:25 am

    Starla @#29… I am so with you on this one. You’ve written EXACTLY how I feel in my relationship which is going on 8 months to a man who’s doing everything right except sharing his emotions. It’s almost like he doesn’t have any, and if/when I try to step back, yes, he mirrors me. I’m at work and can’t really write much except to say I’ve read many, many of your comments (I’ve been lurking for about six weeks, ever since I bought Rori’s complete package) and so much of what you say strikes a deep chord in me. Big hugs to you and I will try to read more as the day progresses. (Hopefully this will eventually get posted as my last two comments went into moderation indefinitely.)



  357.  #357Shea McNaughton on January 5, 2016 at 8:32 am

    I’ve been awake since 2:30 a.m. this morning, got out of bed at 3:30 and headed upstairs to the computer to start listening to Rori since the reason I couldn’t sleep is Mr. No Emotion. It aggravates me that I keep looking for a text from him (we text and talk daily) knowing that he probably won’t because of our conversation this morning and my follow up text. We have a routine whereby I text in the morning when I arrive at work and we go back and forth with sweetness, then he’ll text during the day for a short conversation (more sweetness), then sometimes we’ll text a bit in the evening but the night always ends with me calling him and us saying goodnight after conversations that last anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours. We see each other several times a week, and we just finished spending 10 days together over the Christmas holiday. Until last night, I felt closer to him than I have during the whole time we’ve been together, but he’s acting distant out of the blue. Anyway, I won’t go into full detail, I’ll just say I’m pulling way back and seeing what happens. I won’t be with another emotionally distant man again, not for too long anyway, since I’ve recently gotten a divorce from a man who stopped having sex with me almost from the day of the wedding. 4 years with no sex. Now THERE’S a story I regret having and wish I’d discovered Rori 5 years ago. Anyway, it is good to “meet” and read the comments here – they confirm that I’m not a loony tune who’s just one big messup where men are concerned. I’ve just been “doing it wrong” is all and not taking care of ME FIRST. Thank you ladies, thank you Rori.



  358.  #358Tee on January 5, 2016 at 8:32 am

    #353 Hey Starla!

    I think she’s like anyone else, made a few wrong turns, had her heart broken & then had a baby (me) way too soon
    I get lots of it. I guess what I don’t get is the running.

    It’s weird but my mother managed to produce 2 very self aware daughters. My sister is 20 but she’s already (I think) light years ahead of where I was at that age in understanding this so we talk about it whenever she hits a snag

    I mean I guess it’s cool that she isn’t just home eating ice cream but there was a time when it was worse. Her just bringing home random men smh not alot but it’s like Come on, you have a young child here that’s not cool!

    I think (and I’ve always thought this) I just have to meet her where she is but I’m admittedly…I don’t wanna say lazy but I kinda want immediate gratification

    Sure I can try to talk sports with her, go to the bar, have a drink or go to the movies…but then what? Am I expecting too much too soon too fast?
    She’s been trying to read more & we did talk about books the last time I saw her so that’s another avenue I can explore

    I feel like I can be emotionally close with alot of my family but there are days when I just don’t feel like climbing walls & trying to maneuver past their carefully constructed passageways

    I like thinking, being open and exploring

    I don’t like keeping things superficial and surface all of the time

    It feels unfulfilling and empty to me

    I guess this is where CD’ing would come in at? Getting that need fulfilled elsewhere?



  359.  #359Azure Blu on January 5, 2016 at 8:35 am

    Tee #352
    Wow!! Sounds like it went really nicely!
    Just a sweet, no argument communication!
    I always count those as GREAT BIG steps!!
    Good job lovely Siren!
    :-))



  360.  #360Azure Blu on January 5, 2016 at 9:11 am

    Tee#354
    You know, my mother attends church all the time
    (religion is her addiction of choice)
    and goes to prayer meetings etc…

    I set my sweetly set my boundaries about NOT attending
    But still accepting that she does…
    I will pray with her off and on (this has happened since I have accepted her as she is)
    and every few years I will attend a church service with her… she is 89yrs… so I just think “what the heck…one service won’t kill me”
    and it makes her so happy…

    Most parents do things that the grown children
    don’t participate in…
    My goal was not to become best buddies…
    but to break the chain of disfunction that runs sooo
    deep on both sides of my family!! For the sake of MY children and ME

    And gradually, over time, she and I are quite close…
    We talk on the phone almost every other day…
    Mostly :-)) without arguing (sometimes, because we are sooo VERY different, we still butt heads)

    We live an hour apart… so I try and visit at least once a month…

    and, YES, it does take time!!! :-))



  361.  #361Tee on January 5, 2016 at 9:42 am

    #355 & #356 Azure Blue

    Yeah it wasn’t bad. I think I get too caught up on what I’m not getting. Pissed off that I can barely relate, feel unsatisfied because my mother isn’t the type of mother that i/we need
    I feel we deserve better

    Yet she is so fragile, she’s not nearly as strong as she tries to appear
    Her little girl side comes out whenever you try to explain to her what you need (mostly emotional) from her, she gets so defensive & starts saying how we’re trying to make her out to be the bad guy, etc

    In any case, I’ll look for more opportunities. I can talk to her (and anyone)…about books & in time, maybe it’ll lead to more things

    I’ll just read more Rori stuff, practice and share with you guys



  362.  #362Indigo on January 5, 2016 at 11:28 am

    Millie 327,

    Yeah I didn’t expect it because communication tailed off drastically when he moved, and my couple of attempts at reaching out were met with mixed enthusiasm, but he surprised me and out of nowhere decided to contact me…

    2 days later he was at my door. I didn’t know what to make of it. For me, it was extremely romantic, and every moment that he was here was absolutely blissful. The way he kissed me, and held me, and talked to me was extremely tender and gentle. But then just as suddenly he was gone with no assurances, and it shattered me. I reached out to him several times, which I wouldn’t normally have done, just because I got so caught up in the romance of the moment, and then realised I really needed to know where we were headed. This was used as a surface reason for him to pull away completely.

    I don’t regret it. I loved seeing him, and nothing can ever take that from me. But if I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have made it so easy for him. I would have made myself more of a prize, I wouldn’t have been so available, I would have made myself more aloof… because after all, he was aloof, and I welcomed him back with open arms. I wouldn’t do that again. Even if I found it very hard I would have made him and myself wait.



  363.  #363Millie on January 5, 2016 at 12:18 pm

    Indigo– I have to ask why you feel you must mirror his aloofness? To be strong on the inside and soft, warm, inviting on the outside is in feminine energy and I don’t see anything wrong with how you received him, but I’m no expert. I feel like acting looking and not being available when that’s not how you feel is more of strategizing and game playing. I was reading some old Rori posts the other night and came across one where a woman was completely frozen, like a deer in the headlights, over analyzing when she should have s*x with a guy she was dating. That if she did it too soon he wouldn’t value her… Rori’s answer was: that you could swing naked from a chandelier and sleep with him the first night you meet him… If you value yourself, he will value you. That really struck me… That we can be available for pleasure when we want it, invite it in, it’s how we feel about ourselves that matters most. I love that, and it frees me of worry, of judging myself, it allows me to feel closer to desire instead of fighting with myself in a sea of “should” and “shouldn’t.”

    Regardless, I feel for you and the experience with Bush Boy.



  364.  #364Millie on January 5, 2016 at 12:36 pm

    Out of curiosity I googled the definition of aloof:

    Not friendly or forthcoming; cool and distant

    Synonyms:
    Distant; detached; avoidant; unapproachable; stiff; uncommunicative.

    Indigo, I feel like these words don’t describe you lovely siren at all. I wonder if this word even has a place in modern siren. Any thoughts?



  365.  #365Indigo on January 5, 2016 at 1:20 pm

    Millie,

    I’m not an aloof person at all. I’m a very warm person who tends to care greatly about everyone who comes in my path. And in general I find it easy to connect with people and make friends because of this.

    But there are times I act aloof in my own self-interest. I’m not ACTUALLY aloof – but where it benefits me to hold back with a particular person, I do do this. For example, I have a friend whom I find very draining at the moment. I have a huge amount on my plate in my life at the moment and I don’t want to spend time with her at the moment because she drains me. She is kind of a taker, though she doesn’t mean to be. I’m not ready to cut off the friendship, and having a conversation with her would be completely counterproductive. So I act aloof. This works for me.

    Acting aloof with Bush Boy would have worked for me. I don’t believe that everyone is automatically entitled to our best, warmest, most open selves at all times. Sorry but I don’t.



  366.  #366Millie on January 5, 2016 at 2:00 pm

    Indigo– yeah I guess that is true! Sorry if I offended you…was just bringing it up as a point of discussion.



  367.  #367Waterfall on January 5, 2016 at 2:26 pm

    Hello Sirens ! Happy New Year !

    I’ve just been catching up on the blog and reading about the topic of being “aloof” really triggered me. (In a GOOD way, I may add!)

    I was just going through some very similar emotions mainly connected to my working situation but also connected to men, and friendships..

    Like I catch myself thinking “I don’t know how to ‘act’ here..” Then literally last night, whilst watching a TV programme of weight and self esteem I had this thought;

    ‘What will happen if I’m just me ? What am I so scared of ?’

    And I felt a knot in my stomach like I was in some sort of physical fight or something, it felt like I couldn’t breath. In that moment I realised it was my own spirit trying to break free.

    I have felt trapped for the last few months: at work, with my family, with friends. In my mind I think I have to “fit in” or that I can’t put anyone to any trouble, or act out of character or disappoint people.

    With my friend she is an utter perfectionist and whilst staying with her for a few days over New Year I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt so scared to disappoint her. Yet in that light bulb moment I felt like my body was was set free, I felt liberated. It was a weird experience.

    I don’t normally analyse it, it’s just the way I am so I don’t usually notice my body being tense.

    With Rori’s rules I am noticing these things more and more. It feels so liberating, and yet so scary at the same time. What if I fail? What if I say something in an unguarded way that upsets people or gets me into trouble? I feel excited but nervous. There are butterflies in my stomach…

    I guess it is more and more about practising being in the moment. Being authentic.

    I noticed with my friend, and also at work. My energy was stifled and rigid. I stuttered, stammered and couldn’t get my words out, like I normally can when I am relaxed.

    I realised I am so worried about what people think of me. Of being wrong. I need to catch myself doing this and talk gently to myself.

    There will always be a choice. I guess it’s judging each situation and that I find hard. ie is this person friend or foe? Are they trying to catch me out? Are they trying to trip me up?

    It goes round and round in my head…

    I can feel the tension now…



  368.  #368Waterfall on January 5, 2016 at 2:45 pm

    Re: Confidence

    Everyday I say to myself “I’ll be confident tomorrow. I’ll be confident tomorrow…”

    Not sure why its never happened. Lol…



  369.  #369Millie on January 5, 2016 at 7:18 pm

    Indigo– you actually got me thinking…that we can choose who we are warm with. My cousin told me the other day that one of my issues (as she sees it) is that I never really get angry with people. I get angry at me. I wonder if I’m afraid of exerting anger into others. I can choose not to be warm with M. Three days have past and I haven’t leaned forward, neither has he… I feel good about holding the space but also a little like I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I feel above it. I don’t need this in my life. Someone who really doesn’t want me anymore… Who doesn’t see me as something of value in his life. And maybe that’s my projecting but now that I can let go of blaming me, I really feel like I am someone to be cherished… And I don’t know if I want to be patient enough to wait and see if his feelings return. I can choose not to be warm, I can choose not to be open. Is he worth it? The person he was, yes… But the person he is now, today… I feel like I’m worth a lot more than this.



  370.  #370BeLoved on January 5, 2016 at 7:24 pm

    So.
    I feel…sheesh, I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now.
    3rd eye feels mildly throbbing.
    Right arm is going numb off and on.
    Sprinkles of pain down my left side. Feet crossed, that feels good.

    Today, a guy I had been messaging with texted me and said, hey, you vanished, what happened?

    And I’m like…whoa, this sounds familiar…wtf?
    These guys stop calling/texting and I don’t pick up the oars, then both of them come back and say *I* disappeared??

    So…at any rate, DTCD was visiting family out of town and we haven’t met so I pretty much forgot about him, actually.
    I did not f*cking like being told I had vanished.
    So, I set that aside, and played it easy breezy, because I haven’t even met the guy so I wasn’t going to go off on him. I leaned back and was a little playful, and said, “Haha, I’ve been here, did you send a message or leave a voicemail that I missed or something?”

    And he says, no, he’s been out of town visiting his family for the holidays.
    At which point my brain broke.
    Because, it was while we were chatting and he said he felt inspired by me being so positive and decided to drive nearly 2 thousand miles to visit his brother. And for the first few days, was texting me about being there, his son making a surprise visit, etc.

    So, I felt SO confused, that I didn’t respond. It did not make sense to me and I kept feeling, “I don’t understand. I don’t understand.” I went with that and stayed with my feelings instead because…wtf sh!t does NOT MAKE SENSE and I hate that. It’s not like we don’t have a whole series of texts he could just look at to see what we talked about.

    It makes me feel like not talking at all, because I feel so baffled I honestly wonder, if this guy is on drugs or something. I could say, I feel confused, did you forget that we were already chatting for THREE DAYS while you were there?
    But I don’t want to, because I imagine that whatever is going on in his psyche is probably something I don’t want to tangle with.
    And then again, sometimes my imagination runs away with me.
    It doesn’t feel right to respond right now so I won’t.

    JCD, who ALSO had said I had “disappeared” after flaking on our planned date, and I responded to him, resurfaced at 11:45 last night via text to say Happy New Year. Pfffffttttttt!!!

    I nearly cried today. I cannot believe the men I am attracting. There is a guy at work who is a pathological liar who lives in a trailer in the woods AND HE IS DATING A GIRL AND KNOWS AT LEAST 4 OR 5 GREAT LITTLE COFFEE HOUSES TO TAKE HER AND PLANS DATES, and the guys I am attracting DON’T EVEN MEET THAT BAR.

    WOMEN WHO FREAKING EAT ROCKS AND DRYER SHEETS ON MY STRANGE ADDICTION ARE MARRIED…..OMGGGGGG
    wtf is wrong with ME that I’m still single?????



  371.  #371Starla on January 5, 2016 at 7:55 pm

    I figure my strange addiction is staged, lol.



  372.  #372Emerson on January 5, 2016 at 8:46 pm

    I’m thinking about ordering Roris reconnect your relationship…in preparation that when I do start a relationship I’ll have some tools!!
    I know it’s called reconnect but I heard it’s good for connecting and reconnecting lol….hmm very tempted to buy it…



  373.  #373Femininewoman on January 5, 2016 at 8:49 pm

    Waterfall – tomorrow never comes. How about trying “I am ready to feel confident”



  374.  #374Emerson on January 5, 2016 at 9:29 pm

    Hey sirens does anyone remember one time that I posted a video called “beautiful” and it was a woman walking down the street…
    IKNOW totally obscure questions…FW you are good at finding things sometimes…

    I can’t find it on youtube and it’s so pretty and inspiring…



  375.  #375Azure Blu on January 5, 2016 at 9:39 pm

    Millie #359
    Wow!!! What a Siren you are!!!

    I totally agree with what you are saying here!
    You or Indigo did NOTHING unSiren like
    YOU both were a warm invitation when your men came courting!!

    What I have found with the men I have dated over the years
    men share/communicate their love, masculinity, desire for YOUR emotional closeness through s*x…
    and for ME… Ahhh… the luscious excitement of receiving that from them is AMAZING!!!

    As you say Millie… as long as we are in touch with our
    s*xual yumminess and can receive and share ours as well without judging ourselves…
    WE ARE AN INVITATION and we have created
    a memorable warm moment with our men…

    Now, of course, there have been times when I have totally regretted letting myself partake in all this
    s*xy play… but each situations is different…

    But usually I was sooo ready to feel his arms around me, kiss his yummie, soft, lips… etc, etc… :-))
    When it was over I just told myself…
    It was MY choice and I HAD such a great time and So did THEY!!! :-))

    But sometimes I would realize
    with a particular man… I needed to say NO
    until more of my needs were met.



  376.  #376Indigo on January 5, 2016 at 10:16 pm

    Millie 362,

    No offence taken at all.



  377.  #377Millie on January 5, 2016 at 11:53 pm

    Beloved– this happened to me as well! A man I was seeing came out and said that dating felt like pressure. So I leaned back and a week later he asked where I went. I told him that he seemed overwhelmed and disconnected so I gave him space. It didn’t really help. I wonder if some men seek women who will chase them… However as an experiment I leaned forward with him and still did not get a result other than a standstill. At this point, it may be best to say they cannot do relationship in the dynamic we seek. And that is all.



  378.  #378Millie on January 6, 2016 at 12:02 am

    Indigo– glad to hear it!!

    Azure— your everlasting support feels wonderful!!



  379.  #379Millie on January 6, 2016 at 12:14 am

    I was talking to a friend tonight who told me about this horrible fight she had with her now boyfriend. He did something that really upset her and she took space. Of course, he then chased after her. It took awhile for her to regain confidence in their relationship but she showed him what wasn’t acceptable to her. I wonder if that’s where I go wrong… I should have showed M I did not tolerate this treatment. Instead I sought to understand, and maybe if I had truly made it about me and how I want to be treated, I wouldn’t find myself here.



  380.  #380Indigo on January 6, 2016 at 2:03 am

    Millie 375,

    That was my point about being aloof. It’s not about being cold, and it’s not about playing games.

    It’s about saying, you don’t get to waltz in and out of my life whenever it pleases you and still get my best, and still have me available at your convenience. My best and my time is reserved mostly for me and for people who have earned it.



  381.  #381Azure Blu on January 6, 2016 at 4:45 am

    Ahhhh…. Sirens
    I am Stressed to the max!!!

    I am STILL dating two men…
    during the holidays Spirit had me over to his home…
    and invited me to an event where his daughter was singing… It was VERY last minute (I had already accepted another invitation to a party) so I couldn’t go…
    but he made a BIG effort…
    it felt good…

    RM cd had planned an entire week of fun things to do with him and his daughter and her husband (who are adorable)
    It was ALL great fun…
    RM gave me a card that was sooo sweet…
    talking about his undying love for me…

    I want to STOP and let one of these men go so
    I can now concentrate on one at a time…
    I’m NOT sure which one!!!!????

    I am feeling sooo much pressure…
    AND work is GETTING VERY busy!!!

    Any suggestions??



  382.  #382Victoria on January 6, 2016 at 5:09 am

    Happy New Year and best wishes to all the sirens!

    Azure,
    I have been reading along, I was so curious where things went with your two suitors!
    You could write a novel about this adventure, it will be a best seller!
    So why are you under pressure? Is any of them asking you to make a choice, or it is your consciousness torturing you because you are two-timing them?
    I have been in similar situations, and I have felt mostly great by it (even if my female friends reprimanded me). I am, of the sirens here, probably the biggest fan of CDing. I say, if you can’t decide between two men, you need a third one!



  383.  #383Victoria on January 6, 2016 at 5:22 am

    Azure,
    there is the story of the boy who could not decide between three girls which one to marry. So his father told him to give each of them $100 and see what they do with the money. So, in a week the son goes back to his father and his father asks him what they did and what he has decided. So, the son tells this.
    The first one spent the money on buying the best food and made me a great dinner which I greatly enjoyed. The second bought herself some lovely clothes and made herself very pretty for me. And the third one invested the money in the stock market and gave them back to me with 30% return. So, asked the father, which one are you going to marry. And the son said, I am going to marry the one with the largest boobs!



  384.  #384Azure Blu on January 6, 2016 at 5:35 am

    Victoria #379
    Ahhhhh!!!! lOLOLOLOL!!!
    What a great story!! I love it!!!

    I have been dating them both and NOT feeling any pressure… especially because…
    I had only been dating RM for 3 months… no hurry there…
    AND Spirit hadn’t invited me to his home or to meet his family… no hurry there…

    BUT i DO want a forever man… I Do want to relax and get to see how I feel Only dating one…
    I DONT want to CD (actually dating) the rest of my life!!!

    Aren’t you basically dating only one man right now?



  385.  #385Azure Blu on January 6, 2016 at 5:37 am

    Victoria…
    Thank you so much for your insights and for responding to my cry for help!!!

    i too am a BIG fan of CDing – even before Rori…

    But as I mentioned… I’ve been dating MOST of my life
    I’d LOVE to have a partnership and to grow old with my Mr. Right!!



  386.  #386Victoria on January 6, 2016 at 6:15 am

    Azure dearest,
    I am sleeping with only one man, but basically I am trying to date all and any semi-decent man I meet, I am a pathological CDer, if you take this away from me you will take away my passion for life :-).
    On a separate note, If you are looking for a husband though, and the forces are somewhat equal between the two contesters, I would vote for the one with more money. It’s just my thing, has to do with my profession etc. I know I might be opening myself to criticism here because of this very materialictic approach, but you know, the amout of money a man posseses is very often signalling his general level of responsibility,accountability and ability to plan, and these are qualites I value greatly.



  387.  #387Indigo on January 6, 2016 at 6:19 am

    Azure Blu,

    Of late I am a very big fan of bringing things back to you.

    If things are not naturally swaying towards one or the other of these men, it is most likely something inside you causing you to feel pressure and stress.

    Could it be that you’re not really sure of either of them and so you don’t want to make a choice?

    I have been in serious committed relationships before. And I have also been “just dating” for quite a while now… sometimes with a bit of an exclusivity commitment, but mostly just dating. And no, it’s not what I want for life, not by a very long way. However, the reason I’m still here is because I haven’t met a man yet who has made me feel pushed to decide one way or the other. There is no man I’ve met who has made me want to take it further. Bush Boy came very close but he had maturity issues, and of course the distance.

    I’m just saying… if you can’t decide one way or the other, there is probably a legitimate reason for that.



  388.  #388Victoria on January 6, 2016 at 6:27 am

    Azure also,
    I think Spirit would, in a very “this is what the balance of the universe is all about” kind of way benefit greatly from a kick in the butt.
    Oh well, you know I am mean… This is probably not a very sireny quality.



  389.  #389Femininewoman on January 6, 2016 at 6:46 am

    Azure it seems to me that you are standing in your own way maybe because you are scared of really getting what you claim you want. Several times now Spirit has invited you over and you have declined yet you still keep clinging on to him. Why? He gives you what you want in the best way that he can and you don’t accept. I don’t understand. Why not just let him go and focus on RM if that is what you want? If Sprit really wants you he will not go anywhere else anyways.



  390.  #390Femininewoman on January 6, 2016 at 7:55 am

    I agree with you though Victoria



  391.  #391Lovergirl on January 6, 2016 at 8:13 am

    Azure, is either of them ASKING to be exclusive? If they aren’t, why stop?



  392.  #392Femininewoman on January 6, 2016 at 9:27 am

    Lillybelly my mind has been on you.



  393.  #393Millie on January 6, 2016 at 9:46 am

    Indigo 376– yes!!! I understand now… And agree with you!!!



  394.  #394Azure Blu on January 6, 2016 at 9:59 am

    Sirens,
    Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you
    for soo generously sharing all your wisdom!!

    Lovergirl… they have BOTH asked for exclusivity months ago… and i told them I wasn’t ready… :-))

    I kept thinking one would drop me because I said not now… and then I wouldn’t have to make a choice…
    but they are both hanging in there!!

    Victoria… I soooo agree… the one with more money
    would make my life sooo much easier!! that would be RM… But I don’t feel much chemistry with him…
    i keep thinking it will grow… but it hasn’t…

    Spirit is giving me EVERYTHING i have asked for…
    and MORE…
    he was even VERY generous this Christmas…

    Truth be told, darling Sirens,
    I’m thinking I will be talking to RM today and letting him know that my old bf (Spirit)
    has come back and is wanting to try and work things out… which is the truth…

    It will be VERY interesting to see how exclusivity will work this time with Spirit…
    We have tried it in the past and scared the sh*t out of both of us (I do have such a fear of intimacy)
    i am hoping the Rori tools come much more natural for me and I can do the next step… :-))

    I can feel my anxiety rising as I contemplate the conversation I will have with RM
    and embark on a journey with Spirit that involves
    ME opening MY heart more
    and stay leaning back
    and stay loving ME
    and stay on MY horse…
    wish me luck!!!



  395.  #395Millie on January 6, 2016 at 10:32 am

    Azure—so excited for you!!! You are such an inspiration and so magnetic!!! I hope my love life turns around as your did!



  396.  #396Femininewoman on January 6, 2016 at 10:55 am

    Azure have you considered writing a letter? He could end up feeling shamed if you tell him to his face.



  397.  #397Beloved on January 6, 2016 at 11:24 am

    I love life 🙂 After sitting through all of the anger flowing through me and feeling like a big mama bear, I decided I am just not ever going G to give a message like “you disappeared” a response ever again, unless I know I actually did.
    Then I got a message this morning from another CA… Apologizing for dropping off, acknowledging inconsistency, asking me to to forgive him.

    OK, whether there is any action to back up the words remains to be seen, and, it’s still different.

    I just kept noticing all the thoughts and feelings that got triggered and shifting them to what I do want, my co-worker cracked me up as soon as I got in to work this morning and I’m feeling super happy and pleased right now.



  398.  #398Tee on January 6, 2016 at 11:54 am

    I love this blog. It makes me feel Ike I’m 13 again at a slumber party with the best people & there’s cupcakes, sprinkles, pink everything & Care Bears all around 🙂

    It’s making me feel like I’m growing and evolving
    I’m discovering myself & my truth
    There are things that are serving me & things that aren’t

    Lately I’ve been feeling as though I need to remove myself from this Dating Facebook group that someone added me to

    Sure it was/is great for a laugh & some discussion but I feel like I’m not yet strong enough to mentally filter out the bad

    Women are questioning men & their motives, so I start to mentally question E’s motives
    A woman has a great date, a nice man showering her with silky words & adoration, I feel envious
    I have E wondering why I didn’t buy any eggs & sounding disappointed in me, which I hate

    I know that the grass isn’t always greener but there are days when I wonder, I wonder way too much about why I’m with this imperfect man & if we’ll make it

    Then I’ll dream or think back to a time when we were closer. He’d call & tell me he missed me or those days when he didn’t seem ashamed of his feelings for me

    Well maybe not ashamed but there are times when I think He thinks it’s uncool to be so enthusiastically enamored

    Ok he did dedicate a song to me the other day. Maybe I’m missing the signs because I’m too busy wondering why my orange hasn’t turned into an apple yet?

    Just thoughts



  399.  #399Femininewoman on January 6, 2016 at 12:06 pm

    Tee does he know what your love language is?
    Do you know?



  400.  #400Femininewoman on January 6, 2016 at 12:16 pm

    How to Attract the Relationship You Desire

    “It is certain that you can find the relationships that you desire, but first there is something very important that you must do: you must become a Vibrational match to the qualities that you seek, because what comes to you always matches you.

    Often people believe finding a mate who loves them will be the answer to everything missing in their life experience. They want to find that one person who will, in essence, complete them. And almost without exception, they want that person, right here, right now!

    But because we understand the Law of Attraction as we do, we encourage them to ease up a bit on the “right here, right now” part, for this very important reason: If you insist on choosing a mate right now, that mate will be a Vibrational match to how you feel right now. The person who comes right now will be a match to the person you are right now. When you are feeling misunderstood or lonely, or unloved, you cannot find a mate who will offer anything different to you.”

    – Abraham Hicks (Getting Into the Vortex)



  401.  #401Azure Blu on January 6, 2016 at 2:58 pm

    Millie #391
    Ohhh… thank you – blushing, blushing!!!
    I know your love life will turn around…
    just in the past 2 weeks I can feel a definite shift
    in YOUR love for YOU!!
    Which is what changed MY life completely!!
    oxoxo



  402.  #402Waterfall on January 6, 2016 at 3:04 pm

    I am feeling stress & such tension around not being good enough at work & in life…

    And I love my stress

    And I love my feelings of not being good enough

    I love all the tension in my body



  403.  #403Waterfall on January 6, 2016 at 3:13 pm

    I love my shyness

    I love my eager-to-pleaseness

    I love my weakness

    I love my caring, sensitive nature

    I love my working class background and big chip on my shoulder about not fitting in

    I love my determination to never be fashionable

    I love my devotion to fairness and justice even if this means hurting myself along the way

    I love how I never want to be popular but always want to do the right thing

    I love how I have my own mind and will never be swayed

    I love all my insecurities around secretly wishing I cared more about my appearance and only being seen with certain people

    I love that deep down I am scared that I don’t fit in anywhere apart from with drunk old men, dogs, cats and other people that have been diwn trodden in life

    I love all of my fear about being found out that I really will never fight or argue with someone to get my point across

    I love all my worrying, my fear, my insecurity…



  404.  #404Zara on January 6, 2016 at 4:28 pm

    One man => clingy feelings show up more often than not

    Two men => “either or” feelings soon show up and we inadvertadly end up choosing one over the other even though none of them is cocreating the relationship we want.
    Letting one man go, does not imply becoming exclusive with the other one. That’s an illusion created by the lack of a third man in the dance.
    Letting one man go, implies adding two more men to create the healthy circle on the dance floor.

    Three men => the dice is rolling. The mind is hooked on none of them, does not put any of them in opposition to the others. Freedom of heart.
    And as they leave space, or as we realise we don’t want them, we can freely add more men to the rotation until one good man shows up and fills in the space totally to the point no other man fits in. If it does not feel good after a few dates, we honestly let him go and we replace him. If it feels good to have this good man fill in all the space, then we let it naturally happen.
    No need to chose. The others are left with no space and vanish organically.

    xxx



  405.  #405Azure Blu on January 6, 2016 at 4:35 pm

    Tee
    Love this… :0)

    “I love this blog.
    It makes me feel Ike I’m 13 again
    at a slumber party
    with the best people
    & there’s cupcakes,
    sprinkles, pink everything & Care Bears all around”



  406.  #406Azure Blu on January 6, 2016 at 4:41 pm

    Zara #400
    Thank you Zara…
    Ahhh.. yes the clingy feelings…
    But I am living a wonderful Full life!!
    *MY* life is full!!
    of course I will continue to CD the world…
    Mmmmm… but I see what you are saying…

    BUT… I’m not getting a clear picture if this will work with Spirit or not…
    I want to get a really clear picture and I have learned
    If I become exclusive, I get a good idea if *I* can do exclusivity with him- (I’ll usually give it about 2 months)
    AND – if he is the right man for me!!
    It has worked with several men in the past…
    and Spirit and I have tried it before…
    But *HE* has never tried THIS hard to make changes
    and compromises
    To be with ME…
    I’ll give it a shot… I’m ready!



  407.  #407Azure Blu on January 6, 2016 at 4:44 pm

    FW
    Writing a letter?
    Nooo… I think he deserves a phone call…
    he called on Mon. and I haven’t answered.
    I’ll wait till he calls again and tell him then…
    I’m sure he has sinced something is up…
    :-((



  408.  #408Azure Blu on January 6, 2016 at 4:47 pm

    Zara…
    and I’ve been CDing for YEARs… off and on for 27 years!!!
    mostly dating more than 2 men in the last 3 years…
    I’m tired…
    and I really like/love Spirit!
    I’m ready to take my Rori tools to the next level!!
    :-))



  409.  #409Azure Blu on January 6, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    Waterfall #399
    I’m feeling inspired by your self love
    a great reminder…
    i need to LOVE my
    messiness
    I love my procrastination
    I love my not working out
    I love my anxiety
    l love my blue eyes
    I love my age
    I love that I get frustrated about getting older
    I love that I hate my finances!!!
    I love my procrastination
    I love my open heartedness
    I love my relationship with my mother



  410.  #410Tee on January 6, 2016 at 6:27 pm

    #395 FW

    I finally asked E to take the quiz. Once again, I was spewing doubt all over the place. I felt anxious, timid, nervous, etc

    I decided to spit it out and said E, I need you to do this quiz, I’m sending it to you

    He was heading downstairs & it sounded like he said Oh goodness

    I honestly didn’t think that he would do the quiz
    Maybe 45 minutes later he comes upstairs and I don’t say anything

    I just contined to watch a movie with our son

    Then he says, Did you get it?
    I checked my cellphone & there it was

    He seemed to just DO the quiz without mentally processing it smh but he did it

    E scored an 11 on Physical Touch
    8 on Quality Time
    6 on Acts of Service

    I find Quality Time & Physical Touch shocking since it seems like E does everything in his power to not be around sometimes. OR is he not around because he’s not getting enough of these things?

    I scored an 11 on Words of Affirmation
    I scored a 6 on Acts of Service and Quality Time

    Now that I have his actual answers, I’ll have to think about this. I feel kinda shocked yet not entirely surprised though



  411.  #411Millie on January 6, 2016 at 7:02 pm

    I just took the love languages test! I scored a 10 on quality time, no surprise to me there. I am surprised physical touch was a 5, I thought it would be even Btwn the two, but I think it was how the questions were worded. Instead of “hug” if it had said “be intimate” or cuddle I would have chosen it more often.



  412.  #412Millie on January 6, 2016 at 8:07 pm

    Femininewoman 396– I love this!!! Thank you for sharing!! It makes me wonder if a man who isn’t attracted to us for any reason, is NOT a vibrational match…which could actually mean amazing things for US! It could mean I am at a higher vibration! It could mean he is no longer a mirror to me…hmmmm

    Azure 397–Thank you!! It means the world to hear that!! Yay my vibe is shifting!! yes yes yes onwards towards being happy and loving ME!

    Zara 400– Love this too!! I would love to have a rotation of men who are quality!!



  413.  #413Femininewoman on January 6, 2016 at 8:30 pm

    You can write the letter and hand it to him so he reads it while you are there and if he wants to discuss he can ask questions. Was what I meant sometimes I find saying some things on the phone kinda disrespectful.



  414.  #414Azure Blu on January 6, 2016 at 8:55 pm

    FW #409
    Mmmmm… I need to process this…
    I have never thought of having the break up talk as
    feeling disrespectful to the guy…
    Can you explain that more?



  415.  #415Millie on January 6, 2016 at 9:27 pm

    You know what came to my mind tonight…I want to learn how to live in love, to love myself… Not only so I can be happiest… But because I want to be the best example for my daughter, and teach her how to love herself. I love my mother, and I’m not blaming her for anything… But I don’t think growing up, that she really loved herself. I don’t know… But I think for me, I took on a lot of my mother.. I am most definitely her daughter, and I wonder what happened… Why I abandoned self love so early… And why she let me… And why I even went down that road? I remember wanting to die… Hating myself so much, feeling like a complete failure, finding solace in controlling what I ate. I shut the world out because I didn’t feel worthy… I have a stable family, I grew up in love… I just want to show my future daughter the tools to loving herself and life. I don’t want her to have to learn on her own. And maybe my mother tried to teach me and I didn’t listen… Which is likely… I don’t really know… I just suddenly realized I’m not only on this journey for me.



  416.  #416Indigo on January 6, 2016 at 11:40 pm

    Wow, it blows me away that we can have such different perspectives and feelings here on the blog.

    On the one hand, I like and agree with what you are saying in 385, Feminine Woman. On the other hand, I can’t think of anything worse than being broken up with in a letter and then being told that if I want to discuss it I can ask questions.

    If our relationship was still on pretty superficial ground I’d want to be broken up with by text message to spare my pride. If there was any sort of intimacy or commitment then for me the most compassionate way is to tell them to their face, calmly, kindly, give them a hug and wish them well.

    Letter… eek!



  417.  #417Victoria on January 7, 2016 at 12:25 am

    Azure,
    By the time you get this you may have already had the break-up talk with RM, and it might be too late.
    I understand so well where you are coming from, I can see you have been in love with Spirit all along, and you want to make it work with him so much. With RM, you always had a cool head, and was evaluating him based on your rational mind, and you might even belive you are doing the right thing by letting him go and pursue his happiness elsewhere. At least this is how I have felt when I was making this choice. And, as much as I love the idea of 3, and am fully with what Zara wrote, and I am a big advocate of 3, in my life, even when I had 3 (or more), it is usually 2 who are more “advanced” so when the decision for exclusivity comes it has been between two guys, and the 3rd one was always a more remote option. It is just how it has been. So, I understand. But wouldn’t you wish to talk with Spirit first? Wouldn’t you want to say to him that you intend to stop seeing all other men because he has been so good to you and you love him dearly and ask him what he thinks? Wouldn’t you want to ask him if he is seeing anyone else beside you and whether he is willing to do the same for you what you are willing to do for him? I am not sure whether this is a good idea, or the sireny way. Yes, the sireny way is to wait for one man to space out every one else… oh well, I wish I had that patience!



  418.  #418Victoria on January 7, 2016 at 12:38 am

    Indigo,
    I have not broken up by letter, but I don’t think it is such a bad idea. I guess it depends very much on the type of relationship and what you want to say. I have broken up over the phone several times. I have a really hard time breaking up face to face. When I look at the person and see what pain I am causing them, I just can’t do it. I really admire you if you manage to speak warmly and give them a hug, that makes you a saint in my eyes.
    I was thinking about the times when someone broke up with me, how I never saw it coming. I mean, after the fact, I usually saw how there have been signs, huge sign posts that I missed, but before it happened I was mostly clueless. This is something I am thinking about lately (in phylosophical terms) – how it happens that one of the people in a relationship figures at a certain point in time that they no longer wish to work on the relationship, were they set on low effort from the very beginning, or did they just get to like the other person less as they got to know him better…



  419.  #419Indigo on January 7, 2016 at 12:43 am

    Azure Blu,

    At the risk of sounding advice-giving, and I know and respect that we must all make our own choices, I agree with Victoria.

    I also feel like offering a cautionary comment about Spirit. I instinctively feel wary about him, and I don’t feel that he is your man, though I might be quite wrong, and I hope I am for your sake. Knowing what I know now, I would not get so serious with such a man at this juncture.



  420.  #420Indigo on January 7, 2016 at 12:46 am

    Victoria,

    Yes I have managed to break up with guys face to face and given them a hug, and have also been broken up with this way, and for me it is hands-down the least pain-causing way.



  421.  #421Femininewoman on January 7, 2016 at 2:44 am

    Azure well if it is someone that a woman has been dating for a while and he has been a good suitor. Maybe the 3 men are good suitors but she is just at a place where she needs to make a choice for herself it can leave a man really heart broken if he has been under the impression that all is well for him and have really put his heart out there. If he thinks all is well up to this point a breakup could leave him shamed for a very long time. Telling him to his face could reduce him to crying and begging. Him reading it could likely reduce the blow and while reading he could internally make the decision if he wants to talk about it or just walk away with his dignity. There really is no right way to do a breakup in my humble opinion because It plain hurts. I would want to do it the gentle way because I’d want to leave him empowered to continue his pursuit for happiness as a man not as a wounded bear. I have read a lot about women who men chose to tell they are breaking up with and for the most part the women were blindsided. I suggested a letter because it is something I know a coach have recommended. I also like Victoria’s suggestion if RM is a real contender should Spirit had not been in the picture.



  422.  #422Femininewoman on January 7, 2016 at 2:51 am

    I would actually tell him first that I wrote to capture all I wanted to say as it is the most difficult decision I have had to make in a while. First tell him how turned on I am around him and all the good stuff.



  423.  #423Femininewoman on January 7, 2016 at 2:57 am

    Indigo – “with in a letter and then being told that if I want”. That is not what I said.

    I have had the experience of being told to my face at least once and it was the most painful thing I have experienced in a relationship with a man who made a lot of promises and the relationship seemed to have been good. It was someone I could be around and knew what was going on inside him. He was at a point where he just needed to make a decision. Men tend to disappear because they respect our feelings and don’t wish to hurt us. That I have heard enough times from men about other women to believe them.



  424.  #424April Rose on January 7, 2016 at 3:07 am

    Happy New Year dear sirens



  425.  #425April Rose on January 7, 2016 at 3:15 am

    On men who are wonderful with us then pull away…

    I’m seeing something about this. The way I habitually see the man as the prize.

    When I subconsciously see him as the prize, I make HIM the source of my pleasure.

    When I see myself as the prize, I allow him into my emotional realm, and grant him the honour of sharing in MY inner fountain of pleasure.



  426.  #426Indigo on January 7, 2016 at 3:18 am

    Feminine Woman,

    I respect you but am always floored by how different you and I are.



  427.  #427April Rose on January 7, 2016 at 3:20 am

    When I switch my thinking on this, the question of whether or not to be ‘aloof’ changes.

    Instead, I become ‘majestic’, ‘royal’ – the Queen in my own life.

    From that perspective I do not give myself away or invest my heart too soon.

    It is as if there is a big invisible arrow, (perhaps Cupid’s !!), and it is now pointing from him to me instead of the other way round.



  428.  #428April Rose on January 7, 2016 at 3:29 am

    I reckon when a man gets the vibe that HE is the source of our pleasure, it’s a turn off for him.

    Except sexually, of course. He gets to feel great pride in that.



  429.  #429April Rose on January 7, 2016 at 3:40 am

    I’m going to practice a new ‘tool’ I just invented!!

    As I meet men or pass them in the street, I’m going to say to them (silently) “You want some of this? Well, lets see what you offer”

    And smile 🙂



  430.  #430April Rose on January 7, 2016 at 4:07 am

    Oops, its still me writing here!! Ha ha.

    I decided not to give up exclusivity until my wedding day.

    🙂



  431.  #431Indigo on January 7, 2016 at 5:45 am

    April Rose 421,

    Coincidentally, I just watched a little video today about men pulling away. The author of the video said, and she says she got this from John Gray’s Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book, that women experience a rush of oxytocin after close intimate time together. This makes them want to bond even more. Men also experience oxytocin, but it cancels out the effect of their “masculine drive” hormones testosterone and dopamine, and so they need man-cave time and masculine activities to raise their testosterone levels again, which is why they pull away. Once their testosterone levels have risen again they are more able to offer love and romance and they come and seek us out again.

    I must say it makes such a lot of sense to me. I wonder what the sirens think of this?



  432.  #432April Rose on January 7, 2016 at 6:00 am

    Yes, I have heard John Gray say that about chemicals in the brain.

    I was talking more on a deep psychological level. I get that a man may feel yummy feelings in our company. And yet, if our pleasure hangs on the attention he gives us, it can be a turn-off longer term.

    I’m contemplating my inner light, how I value it and what preciousness it is. And to keep my focus there. To share it, and not lose it. Not overlook it when the old oxytocin rush kicks in.



  433.  #433Azure Blu on January 7, 2016 at 6:10 am

    Victoria #413
    This makes lots of since to me!
    Talk to Spirit first before saying anything to RM…
    No I havn’t spoken to RM yet…

    And I do like the script you wrote…
    Thank you.



  434.  #434Azure Blu on January 7, 2016 at 6:31 am

    Indigo…
    I agree with you about breaking up face to face or by phone…

    As close as RM and I have gotten (dating 5 months)
    writing him a letter seems cold and cruel

    I have written break up letters because I was SO OVER the crap the guy was dishing out… I sent a letter
    because it’s VERY cold!



  435.  #435Azure Blu on January 7, 2016 at 6:33 am

    INdigo #415
    Ahhh… thank you for your wonderful wisdom
    and sharing your cautionary note…
    This is partly why I am doing exclusive one more time…
    He has made SUCH a big effort..
    I want to see once and for all if this is possible.



  436.  #436Azure Blu on January 7, 2016 at 6:39 am

    Feminine Woman #417
    Thank you thank you for your thoughtful ideas…
    it means so much to me…

    Although, for RM, writing a letter seems too cold…

    I really like what you say here…
    “There really is no right way to do a breakup in my humble opinion because It plain hurts.”



  437.  #437Azure Blu on January 7, 2016 at 6:42 am

    Thank you All, my darling Sirens,
    I am sooo blessed to have you in my life…
    you listen, carefully and give my your most wonderful
    Siren ideas and thoughts…
    It is life expanding, changing and comforting!!!
    Love you all!!



  438.  #438Femininewoman on January 7, 2016 at 6:47 am

    Azure mind you I never said send a letter and I do get you. I’d like to also let you know that I have seen in Rori’s newsletter where she shared about a woman who wrote a letter about how she was feeling and about the relationship. Then after reading it she told him she had to go the bathroom to vomit because of how intense her feelings were. If I remember correctly the whole incident turned the situation around for the better.

    There are those people who express themselves better when they write because they get overwhelmed with emotions. It does work for some people. You might not be one of those.



  439.  #439Femininewoman on January 7, 2016 at 6:50 am

    April Rose thanks for the reminder about that inner light.



  440.  #440Victoria on January 7, 2016 at 6:50 am

    Azure,
    I am very glad you like my suggestion. However, I am not 100% sure whether it is a good idea, I mean, I think the sireny way is not to initiate the conversation but rather to wait it out for him to initiate it/claim you… I am afraid that if not held properly it may slide into “so where do we stand with each other” type of talk, and for this one, it is better not to initiate it (in my humble opinion).
    I am trying may be to back padle a bit with my advice… the think is, you NEED to know where Spirit stands before you cut out RM (I think). The better way to get his opinion is allow him to give it to you unsolicited. I am not entirely clear how…
    I hope the other sirens will say what they think.



  441.  #441Victoria on January 7, 2016 at 6:57 am

    The way I have done it (and it is extreme and I do not recommend it as a bluff) is to tell the man I hope would claim me that I intend to become exclusive with someone else who has pressured for it. Then see if he says “no way, you’re mine”.
    Unfortunately, and to my great disappointment, the last man with whom I did it, did not claim me to be his (but others in the past did). But I guess this is how it was meant to be, so, no regrets there either.



  442.  #442Femininewoman on January 7, 2016 at 7:06 am

    Victoria I would hazard a guess that it was because guys are smart and they know when we are strategizing. Maybe I’d say talk about yourself as in expressing your dreams and intentions of becoming exclusive with someone soon but not indicating yet about leaning towards any particular guy. Share with all of them and see which one is willing to offer what you want.



  443.  #443Millie on January 7, 2016 at 7:09 am

    April Rose– I love the feeling the words “majestic” and “Royal” exude. Not giving yourself or your heart away too soon… Thank you for sharing! “I am the queen of my life and this attracts my king.” 🙂



  444.  #444Victoria on January 7, 2016 at 7:17 am

    FW,
    Some guys ar