How To Make Communication Sexy

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rosestemCommunicating is not a strategy

Communicating develops your ability to find yourself and your feelings… And finding yourself and your feelings leads to a congruence in the way you communicate…

Inside out and outside in. Warmth and distance.

You feel what he’s stuffing: If he’s depressed – you feel angry…

…And then you stuff the anger down.

So now we have two stuffers and no communication…

If you’re depressed, you’re stuffing anger. Now HE feels angry and he doesn’t know why! He gets snarky, which makes you even more angry, more stuffing, more depressed…

The answer is always for you to find yourself. To find your feelings and learn how to speak them…

Communication is such an unsexy word, and yet it just so huge…

What we need to add to the communication word is the physicality of communication.

There are many ways to communicate nonverbally…

This is what the missing piece is, and why communication feels so unsexy.

We use sex to communicate with our bodies – and yet, that doesn’t help on so many other emotional levels – so we resort to trying to “discuss” things – and that hardly ever brings us closer to the man we want to be close to.

It’s all about dropping into the deeper place that’s way below assessment, judgment, thought and sense.

The place where you accept a man fully, even his bad behavior, as something that IS, even though you don’t WANT his flaws and bad behavior – and may have to step away from him.

Sexy communication has a flow that comes from dropping our own agendas, falling in love with ourselves in the moment – no matter what’s going on for us – and seeing everything as a connected experience.

Connected to his heart and your own. Connected to the beat of the planet, the universe, the great unknown.

Connected to your desire, your fire, your willingness to be available instead of stuffing emotions down.

Love, Rori

 

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312 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on February 25, 2016 at 7:56 pm

    Wow. What a suggestion 🙂



  2.  #2Azure Blu on February 26, 2016 at 10:39 am

    Rori.,
    Wow… I do so love this post…

    “Connected to HIS heart
    and YOUR HEART.
    Connected to the BEAT of the planet,
    the universe,
    the great unknown.

    Connected to your Desire,
    your Fire,
    your willingness to BE AVAILABLE
    instead of stuffing emotions down.”



  3.  #3Helena Hart on February 26, 2016 at 12:21 pm

    Azure Blu – I just replied to you on the last thread (173) without realizing there was a new one. The link to the replay of my Teleclass from yesterday will be sent out tomorrow morning, but the replay is posted now if you want to listen to it today, you can get instant access to it here:

    http://helenahartcoaching.com/3-keys-to-attract-the-man-you-want-free-audio-training/

    I’d love to hear what you think! 🙂

    Love, Helena



  4.  #4Linda on February 26, 2016 at 7:42 pm

    Hello all. I have been away from here for quite a while and I think of many of you and the things that have been shared here often . I found myself feeling so curious about everyone here and wanted to see how things were for everyone and read some posts.

    Tonight I was out eating dinner and reflecting on my life and taking and re-taking a personal assessment of myself. In doing so I realized that there are so many things that I carry around in my heart that have come from being a part of this community.

    Another year has clicked by and that now makes 57. I honestly have an attitude toward it and it feels hard to spit it out. “fifffty seven” . My heart feels thick when I say it and I an inside sigh follows. Instead of fighting my feelings I have just let them roll in and own them. Honestly I never imagined my life as it is right now but I also take full ownership of every one of my decisions that has landed me here. I am not in a bad place, just not fully in the place in WANT to be and getting there feels frustratingly elusive and to me.

    I am so glad to read your stories all of them. The good, the bad and the beautiful and ugly. I appreciate the rawness in them because it reflects that emotion and genuineness of the woman behind the words. Reading them lifts the fog that I have let myself be in. Brava to all of us!

    I



  5.  #5Azure Blu on February 26, 2016 at 9:08 pm

    Linda.
    Lovely Siren, welcome back
    I feel so happy to hear your warm Siren
    melody here!!
    oxoxo



  6.  #6Waterfall on February 27, 2016 at 4:15 am

    Hey Sirens,

    Just catching up on the blog. There is loads going on here.

    Azure – I am so happy for you!! You relationship with Spirit has done a 180 degree turn around!! I love hearing you talk about it – and sharing your story here. I’ve been reading everything!

    indigo – Congrats on your relationship! Wow how things have changed.

    You are all doing so well. I only hope to learn and be inspired by you all.

    Well, for me I haven’t seen or dated anyone in a good few months. I have been quite down. Maybe a few “comfort blankets” have been removed, and also I’ve had a few health issues.

    I told D that I don’t want to stay in touch . This was incredibly hard for me and I miss him so much. I think after 3 years of emotional turmoil I am just so worn down and can’t pick myself up to get back out there. I have barely left the house in the last few weeks.

    Work has been my main focus for the last few months. I have been majorly struggling there.

    A lot of my problem is is that I just can’t seem to work out where I am going wrong? What am I NOT doing that is creating all of these problems.

    I work as a designer within a large publishing / media company. We have embarked on a new project to redesign the website.

    As things weren’t going well they called in an agency to help us. I feel so intimidated by these people as they are so good. I just go to pieces around them and get all tongue tied.

    The other day I got told off for reacting defendively in a design review. I know I only do this when under pressure and feeling stressed and I just feel really embarrased about being seen this way by them.

    I feel like they are out to get me and that they see me as “not good enough”. I just feel so shakey and scared and worried I am not going to get past this.



  7.  #7Kath on February 27, 2016 at 4:17 am

    Hi Ladies,

    Like Linda, its been a while for me but I too have been wondering how you all are and I find myself in need once again of your siren guidance. I have moved on leaps and bounds and am very proud of all that I have achieved in listening to myself and choosing what I want. In the process I met a lovely man, who treats me like a princess, calls me beautiful all the time, who I connect with on an amazing level and who has someone made me tell him everything about myself- I mean everything- all the good and bad stuff and he’s taken it all!- We have both been totally honest with each other and said that we want a relationship and to be exclusive but there is a problem. He is a addicted to sex!!!- he has told me all the storied about the women in our small town he has had sex with and what they’ve done and it is very sad because it is all about sex-no love or passion. It feels as though we come from different ends of the spectrum and I said to him the other night that I am not sure whether I would be enough for him. What I meant was that I don’t think he will be enough for me- I want so much more than good sex. It feels such a shame because on every level we are so connected- he’s even second guessed me on things and I love how he challenges me and brings out the best in me. But his addiction is something that makes me think can I trust him??- ARGH!!- it took so long to find someone like him- what can I do????



  8.  #8Waterfall on February 27, 2016 at 4:18 am

    I feel so worthless.

    I am beating myself up for not being able to turn this around

    I feel like the light bulb isn’t going on and I don’t know where I am going wrong.

    I feel such a hopeless failure.

    I feel so embarrased…



  9.  #9Waterfall on February 27, 2016 at 4:26 am

    Kath, I hear you about wanting more than good sex!! What else do you like / have in common with this man?



  10.  #10Lovergirl on February 27, 2016 at 6:15 am

    (((Waterfall))) Those sound like nasty voices. It is really hard to stop talking to someone you care about.



  11.  #11Lovergirl on February 27, 2016 at 6:26 am

    Azure, thank you for your comment to me on the last thread. It made me smile.

    I thought things were going well with RadioCD yesterday, but now I am feeling confused. He kept calling and texting me. When I was working with the station he was with a client but he kept texting me and even called once. He told me hey, I just drove by you guys! Then he sent one of his co-workers (female) over to check on me and make sure we were happy with the event.

    After I got off work he asked if I want to come by later in the evening and also said he had some free fast food coupons if I wanted to give them to my kids. He said just text him later because he was going to take a nap. That was like at 4 am.

    I know he was super tired and I was busy too, here with my kids. I finally texted him around 9:30 and asked if he was awake. No response. I figured he must have just been too tired and that he would apologize in the morning, because its happened before.

    I wake up this morning, no texts, and the first thing I see in my Facebook feed are a bunch of posts from him “an hour ago” talking about his mother (who passed away a few yrs ago) and then ones where he says he is at the lake fishing. No apology whatsoever.

    Im kind of miffed. I finally texted him “wow, ok” and no response. I don’t get it….



  12.  #12Lovergirl on February 27, 2016 at 6:43 am

    4 pm, not am, lol. 😉 I was fast asleep any time it was 4 am. Anyway, he finally texted me back and was like “hey! I fell asleep and now im out fishing! How are you?”

    I just said I saw his posts about his mom and guessed he had too much on his mind to be thinking about apologizing for passing out on me and I hope he has a nice time fishing. I do NOT feel like getting into it with him again. :p I think im gonna let this one go.

    I know they say men can only focus on one thing at a time and he was talking about having dreams about his mom. I know fishing is like his escape. I had to say something, but I don’t want to fight about it.



  13.  #13Linda on February 27, 2016 at 8:16 am

    THanks Azure! That felt so wonderful to read.

    Waterfall: There are parts of me that feel just as you do. I can identify with many of the feelings you are writing about. Yesterday I heard a commercial on the radio and it struck a cord in me. It was of all things a commercial for women’s heart heath care. The female voice says we are naturally careGIVERS but we wont be able to be there for anyone if we don’t take care of ourselves FIRST. This is exactly what I don’t do with dedicated consistency. In fact the statement seems counterintuitive . The part that resonates in me is I am not first in my life anymore again . I have gone sorta numb and become disconnected with me.

    I find myself getting all twisted and tangled up in things/life when I don’t stay connected to myself. Before I know it MY confidence and personal attitude goes down a path where I can’t seem to think straight or put two words together or I’ll feel so put off without a shred of patience. Grabbing a blanket and retreating is often a go to for me. Perhaps you are like me in this.

    Having a birthday I wanted to ignore, has triggered all sorts of stuff for me. I remember a teaching I heard ones about things in life can be like a two edged sword. It both cuts and creates. One side may be cutting something away but as it does it creates a place for something new as well. .Sorta like the song Closing Time and the line that says… “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end”

    Telling “D” you did not want to maintain contact was a strong move. The double edged sword at work in your life on your behalf. I see it as a quite positive and self loving thing for you. It cuts and creates all at the same time.

    For me I did the same thing with “P”. The man showed up at my work on afternoon out of the blue late last summer. He Apologized for all the meaness and anger and inappropriate things he said and did. He said he expected nothing but his hopes were that we could see each other again as he was really trying to “be a better person” . I saw him a couple of times last year. The thing is I just don’t feel that same way about him. My heart feels very “flat” toward him. Not anger not concern, not responsibility. I did feel a bit of dread and exhaustion with it all. After 3 long years is just so taxing to me to be around him. In the end we are two people who when it is all said and done “collide” with each other . Its okay, no pining here. I have that settled in my heart.

    Waterfall.. perhaps like I have done for myself you could ask the nasty voice.. why ? Why are you saying this and why do I believe it as truth. I dont believe that listening or believing them is in our best interest long term.

    Peace to you siren…



  14.  #14Azure Blu on February 27, 2016 at 8:19 am

    Lovergirl
    Anniversaries of loved ones death can really throw anyone off…
    BUT to me, he does sound really manic, or something…

    I can see why you would want to let him go…

    He went on and on about how much he cares
    and then goes off fishing without letting you know?
    It sounds like his drama is causing a lot of negative,
    crazy energy in your life!!
    For me, jeopardizing my job (making drama with my colleagues) would be a deal breaker!!



  15.  #15Waterfall on February 27, 2016 at 8:31 am

    Oh Linda, what a lovely response. Thank you so much for taking the time to write that.

    I see what you are saying. I always put others needs first and feel I need to take my place and wait quietly at the back of the queue.

    I usually blame it on the fact that I am a woman and therefore it is my position in life to be patronised by my elders and betters. I do not know where this comes from but it is definitely there.

    I think I have also developed a massive chip on my shoulder and envy when I see other people (usually men) do well. And they don’t even seem to try. Yet I am always at the back of the queue comparing myself to everyone that I see ahead of me , or better than me.

    If someone criticises my lack of confidence or corrects my spelling or grammar I go completely to pieces. Like i literally can’t stop beating myself up for being so stupid or rubbish.

    Is self love the answer? I always run for comfort… A cuddle, a chat. Reassurance…

    Hmmm… I wish I could just know how to handle this sort of stuff. I can never work out why it seems to upset nw more than most…



  16.  #16Azure Blu on February 27, 2016 at 8:35 am

    (((Waterfall))
    Great to hear from you… lovely Siren.

    I agree with the other Sirens
    How very BRAVE to Stop contact with D…
    he must be honoring your request…
    I know you all had tried that before…

    I agree with you and Linda… too many years (my last bf was 2 years) of rubber banding, too much drama, etc. lying and whatever…
    It’s easy to just walk away…
    As we use Rori’s tools for LOVING ourselves…
    this kind of man is no longer attractive…
    YAY us!!!



  17.  #17Azure Blu on February 27, 2016 at 8:49 am

    Waterfall #6
    I too had a chip on my shoulders for MANY years…
    almost lost jobs over it… was reprimanded several times for lashing out (when I felt embarrassed and stupid)
    I finally went to therapy for it… she was NO HELP..
    but I found the book
    “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner
    It changed MY LIFE!!!
    I learned where a lot of my Rage, Zero self esteem and ANger came from
    and started the journey of filling in the deep, sad holes in my sweet, innocent heart!!

    and here on Siren Island
    with allllll the Rori tools
    I have filled in the gaps with MORE self love tools
    and My lifetime of rage, fear and self loathing
    has settled down to manageable…
    and I have let a loving, wonderful man into my heart!!!

    As you mentioned, Waterfall, YES…
    for me the answer
    IS completely learning to LOVE myself
    All of me… the rage, the fear, jealousy
    unworthy, joyful, smart, funny, beautiful
    it takes time… but it IS worth every minute

    You have already started that self loving journey
    by asking D to stop contacting YOU…
    We’re here for you..
    and so are these wonderful coaches…



  18.  #18Lovergirl on February 27, 2016 at 8:55 am

    Azure- I didn’t mean let HIM go, I meant Im not going to make it into another argument or get upset about it. I had already known he was going to go fishing today. He told me that the other night.

    The part that was bothering me was that he hadn’t responded to my text after he had talked about wanting me to come over.

    He did finally apologize this morning and said this is always a hard day for him and that he fell asleep last night. Im pretty sure he is telling the truth on that. He.really does run himself ragged between his job and coaching and I had kept him up late the night before.



  19.  #19Azure Blu on February 27, 2016 at 9:05 am

    Lovergirl #18
    Ohhhh… i see!
    Yes, it does all sound legitimate…
    As I mentioned it is SOOO very emotionally draining on the Anniversary of a Beloved’s death…
    and he did tell you he was going fishing…

    as usual, beautiful Siren, you’ve got this!!!

    And it just might be S… doing a drive by…
    Knowing he misses you sooo badly
    but knowing he can’t give you what you want!!
    Our intuition is usually right! oxoxoxo



  20.  #20Azure Blu on February 27, 2016 at 9:28 am

    Dominique says:
    “Remember that there is not “there” to get to.
    Every step of your journey is the “there”,
    the here and now
    in this precious moment
    and in all of the subsequent ones. “



  21.  #21Lovergirl on February 27, 2016 at 9:33 am

    Yeah he had a really hard time when his mother passed away and I know it played a big part in his divorce. He had paid for his ex wife to fly to see her parents and while she was gone, his mother ended up sick in the hospital. He was distraught and tried to get his ex to fly back home to be with him but she refused and didn’t want to end her vacation with her parents. He’s got a ton of hurt and anger over that so i know it really is an especially difficult day. He asked if I will come by later so I guess I will give it another try.

    As far as S driving by at night, that would be so crazy. Still it would be better than some random stalker or someone scoping out my house! Today marks 8 weeks since he sent me that text about being at a wedding and how it made him appreciate his time with me. Haven’t heard from him since then.



  22.  #22Linda on February 27, 2016 at 10:39 am

    You are most welcome Waterfall.

    As far as I can tell YES self love is the answer. The phrase that gets tossed around…”I’m my own worst enemy” is a pretty good indicator that beating ones self up…it is a universal problem.

    I had a big problem with “being wrong or corrected”. I still don’t like feeling like I have fallen short. But I have become much kinder toward myself about it now. That only came after I found the “painting yourself with love” tool from ROri. How in the world can I expect another person to treat me better than I treat myself? Perhaps in turning to “yourself” for comfort etc is what you could consider. It is nice to have it come from another but is just a temporary prop and before long those nasty voices are wagging their tongues and fingers at you again.

    Some of us are just knit together like this and others of us have become conditioned by like experiences and others. Whatever the source becoming your own “BESTIE” is the answer



  23.  #23Linda on February 27, 2016 at 10:44 am

    Azure.. thanks for sharing about the book. I am going to check into it for myself. Not that I feel so angry but maybe so I can understand people who are.

    xo



  24.  #24IamHis on February 27, 2016 at 5:50 pm

    even though you may not want his flaws & bad behavior–and may have to step away from him.

    What if he is triggering something so deep and so unheard in you? Rage? Blaming you rather than making himself vulnerable?

    When you don’t feel safe or good?



  25.  #25Linda on February 27, 2016 at 8:50 pm

    For months now I have had this nasty voice in the back of my mind saying… ” your never going to find him”. I must admit I have not been looking or dated for over a year now. I just got so worn down from all the drama. At my age…I truly wonder if it is possible to find a man who doesn’t bring baggage and is without all the difficulties I have dealt with in my last three relationships over the past 10 years. J whom I loved with every fiber of my being cheated on me with multiple others … S who was so lazy, critical and depressed who I was just not enough for and then P who is a walking wound and so anger filled.

    I certainly am not the woman I was when I started this journey. I know myself much better than I ever did and have developed a strong understanding of what I will and wont tolerate in my life and am not afraid to speak up for it either. However, I feel frustrated with myself in final decision making department when it comes to relationship stuff. I am struggle with finding a balance between the logical and emotional side of it. I wish to be quick and decisive and I am just not. “what if” seems to be my achilles heel. I don’t know being able to discern things to reach a quick decision will help me reach my goals and get my hearts desire or not but I am feeling like it will. This is my next venture in life.

    I think I am gonna have my girl energy hire my boy energy to get me there. I need these two parts of me to be a cohesive team. I am hoping it works.



  26.  #26Mandy on February 28, 2016 at 11:34 am

    Sirens,

    Okay I’m back…

    I realize I had been way too defensive on here before and i apologize.

    I was just so incredibly mad from feeling used. I went nuts with my defense and anger and took it out on the darn blog.

    My apologies especially to Victoria and Indigo….two women who’ve helped me immensely over the past four years.

    So sorry. Sometimes I have emotional frenzies where I just…have a melt-down. I think I might’ve needed to….

    I am human I know. I am still sorry.

    I want to talk still to the Sirens and be more open to suggestion even if it sounds icky to me.

    So sorry I hope you can forgive me and still want me around on the blog.

    🙁

    If it means anything…I worked out a lot of feelings this week just riffing and falling to my knees when I needed to. And I have come to the men who have offered help support and comfort and they have healed me up quite a bit.

    I have a new CD. I don’t know what to call him. I can never think of code names. Hm…..he’s very decorated with piercings and pretty tattoos and dark and handsome. Very gentle soul…believes women should rule the world and finds them absolutely beautiful in more than just a physical sense and I DIG that. He’s maybe not someone who’s emotionally available as far as committment, or marriage material, or someone who wants kids, but it seems like part of him really wants a woman to love. He talks about it a lot.
    He says “Oh if only this one girl was in my life, she could wear the pants in the relationship, I swear!”

    But I cannot….hm…come at him with a desire to….reel him in. I have this part of me that is even a bit devious or mischievous feeling about being able to use my feminine guile to reel a guy in.

    Thing is, once he’s reeled in, I’m hooked, and then maybe I have missed some red flags and then I end up getting hurt, usually.

    Tall N Dark is very similar. These men are not interested in having children. They are part of a generation who feels the world is in a state of fracture and that well, world war three could possibly happen in their children’s lifetimes. Or…even something like Artificial Intelligence becoming too overwhelming (I know it sounds nuts, but I talk to these men and we do talk about what we think about all that. Maybe we watch too much Sci-fi, but yeah!)

    So. Men who don’t want kids, maybe not marriage, but yet still have this desire to…..have a woman all their own, love her, be with her, really be with her.

    I am standing back and observing right now rather than trying to engage. That feels much better than just running to them in curiosity. I know I can say I feel curious, but usually my feelings hurl me forward and I don’t even know it, so none of that…I’ll hang back.

    I wonder what I’m getting at here. Men who I could possibly have feelings for who seem very afraid of commitment but seem to dream about it every day.



  27.  #27Starla on February 28, 2016 at 11:41 am

    Yay, hey Mandy:-)



  28.  #28Mandy on February 28, 2016 at 11:51 am

    Also….I didn’t know who to tell and i haven’t told anyone. But something very weird happened…

    I visited J because he was feeling very down from losing his job and almost not making his electric bill. He was in an emotional state.
    I was too. We’d both been hurt by someone who wanted to date us but stood us up many times. We started talking about why we both have problems hearing about each other’s private lives.

    Well he told me if I see him at the club talking to someone new don’t rush up and start talking, it feels weird.

    Well i felt like he was telling me to stay away from him, so I got mad, JUST LIKE I GOT ON THE BLOG recently, all defensive…THEN, I realized what was happening…and I just mentally focused on unlocking my limbs and muscles, and breathing out the anger/frustration, and then I went limp, and said,

    “you know…I can’t expect to share in every aspect of your life still..I know that…I’m sorry…I’ll try to work on that…”

    And then I started hiding the fact I was about to cry. He kept looking at me. He looked again and again and again, and held my hand. I started having a shaky bottom lip. He said what is it, you’re not very good at hiding when you’re upset hun…and I just started crying and crying.

    Then I layed back on the surface I was sitting on because my stomach had a pain in my side for some reason (digestive problems with me a lot…) Literally layed back, crying. Just upset and no where to go with it, not trying to do anything, just upset and crying.

    Well….J said something and what he said was to tell me he was wanting to touch me because he felt turned on.

    Well, at the time, I felt so emotionally vulnerable, and shocked, and suddenly, overtly turned on, I asked if I could touch him, and he said yes, and we ended up sleeping together.

    Not only that but because I take Clompiramine for Tourette’s Syndrome/OCD, I don’t have orgasms with others, or at least that’s what I thought…

    But I had one with J. Something clicked. The trust, the familiarity, the connection, the emotion, and the surprise…it all just let me let go and I actually had an orgasm with another human being for once.

    This is huge. I am not ashamed of it…it doesn’t feel bad or icky at all…it was very cleansing, nurturing and healing…and I felt very very good. I told him this.

    We know we both still love each other. but we’re not trying to get back together. I think we both just needed that.

    He’d been stood up by a woman four times and had felt bad that I was having experiences with others.

    I am not sure exactly if he’s just a CD which I am not ever going to go to for a relationship again, but I guess it is what it is.

    I hope it’s not a bad thing. I don’t think it is. I have no desire to be with him again. But it was so nice. I don’t expect it to happen again. But it was nice and it made me realize the whole time my problem with the relationship was this….

    I expected him to initiate. I inititated and got turned down too much. If I had initiated at the right time we might’ve had more sex. He’s the type who likes to hold power by hanging back and having the woman come to him, which is Dominant in a passive manner.

    Well at least I realized that. I wonder what a woman is to do when a man hints around when he’s turned on. He’ll make a hint.

    Even with these masculine men TallNDark and my newer CD, who I’ll call I have to say “Do you want to touch me?” Or “Do you want to go into the bedroom?”

    They prefer to be in control of the situation yet they want me to initiate.

    Very confusing. Anyone encounter this?

    What do you think/feel when a man wants you to start kissing him when he wants sex?

    I am open to any suggestions, harsh, kind, whatever…just aa bit confused because I think the Siren Way states we do not initiate yet a lot of men want us to.

    Should we not? Should we?



  29.  #29Mandy on February 28, 2016 at 11:51 am

    Hey Starla, I hope your weekend is shiny! 🙂



  30.  #30Mandy on February 28, 2016 at 11:59 am

    Oh wait, I forgot I decided I was calling that CD DancingWolf.

    Just saw him yesterday. He comforted me about Valentine. He was the one who told me Valentine was acting that way because he got what he wanted and was done with me. SO I cut off Valentine based on that and
    DancingWolf was there to help me and comfort me and talk with me about it. He’s very protective and there for me. I like it.

    TallNDark and DancingWolf are the two who like to be pounced on, like I said earlier. Still confused about that. Does a feminine woman pounce or is that behavior that will land you in the friend zone?

    I just want to be able to say oh gosh I just got out of this bad situation and i’m still feeling so weird i can’t start a relationship right now…and have him still want to be around me. Initiating because he wants me to….it might be a function of being too sexually connected and not emotionally enough. Maybe they would want to initiate with me if they…..were emotionally attracted?



  31.  #31Mandy on February 28, 2016 at 12:00 pm

    PS – again these are just my guesses. I am open to hearing anything. I promise I won’t go into defense mode. Lol. I’ll breathe through, relax, open up my heart and do what I did with J. Just be vulnerable…..



  32.  #32Linda on February 28, 2016 at 2:45 pm

    I have been feeling troubled and somewhat down today. I am feeling responsible for blocking my own happiness today. Things seem to get all muddled in my thoughts and this is where I can become indecisive. This morning I got a piece of paper and wrote down a list of why I decided to stop seeing P and even as late as my birthday last week, declined his offer to take me out to dinner. Every time I agree to open up and give it another try it turns out the same, so why would it be different this time?

    So I made a list of pros and cons about him. I tried to totally honest with myself. It took me a bit to do this. I will not lie.. The list of pros was extensive. He hit just about everything I have been looking for. Then the cons.. it was not a short list either. Then I started reading thru the cons and I then started replaying some of the things that happened between us but this time focusing on how I felt when dealing with him in those times. He actually acted out showed me who he was very early on in the relationship. Funny.. Oddly enough it was around my birthday 4 years ago. I remembered how I felt on that little trip away we took (the only trip we ever took together). We had had such a great time and he got mad at a comment I innocently made. I remember how sick in the pit of my stomach I felt. How my heart pounded in my chest and how my dry my mouth felt and how my mind raced and how I couldn’t bring myself to ask what was the matter, yep I felt fear and all I wanted was to get home and feel safe.

    My cons list has a definite theme. Being with him is like living on a “emotional minefield”. The past has shown me over and over that I never knew what step might hear “click” and then explode. Being able to fully realize and articulate this is huge for me today.

    I am glad I spent the time making this list. It is like my girl (whom I did not really listen to 4 years ago), spoke up loud and clear today and I got the message. I think know now how to move forward now.



  33.  #33Waterfall on February 28, 2016 at 3:14 pm

    Sirens,

    I am feeling scared of going into work tomorrow, and what I might face.

    I was thinking today about what a ridiculously sensitive soul I am. If this was someone else they would just be able to brush it aside like it is nothing. I literally cannot stop thinking about it.

    It feels overwhelming and it’s like I’m having obsessive thoughts about it. Thoughts like “Why me?” “What if?” etc, etc…

    I just feel so distressed. Why do other people get such a major say in our lives??

    Pfff…….



  34.  #34Waterfall on February 28, 2016 at 3:17 pm

    Mandy,

    Hold on in there! I think things will be bumpy and you will face all those weird emotions but it sounds like there is a lot of juicy stuff going on there for you.

    You remind me of myself when I was younger. I feel so impressed with how much you are learning about yourself and discovering who you are.



  35.  #35Waterfall on February 28, 2016 at 3:32 pm

    Linda,

    Do you want to find someone?

    I only ask because I feel so exhausted from looking and then when I do get into a relationship I get more stressed about sharing my personal space. And then it just all seems too much for me and I opt out pretty quickly, certainly spiritually – if not physically.

    I know with myself that I am incredibly OCD about everything in my life and I find it so hard to live with someone else. It always feels like I am tolerating them, rather than truly embracing them and blending our lives together.

    They say that with the right person then it just falls into place. I dunno…

    From my point of view I think you have a lot to offer somebody. You seem so wise, articulate, funny and interesting. Have you ever thought that it may be that you are looking for someone to look up to?

    I think I suffer from that quite a bit. I find it hard enough to communicate at the best of times but extra hard when I want a prospective boyfriend to “Get me”. For me that is almost the key to the relationship. Someone who I just click with, who “gets me” and I don’t have to work to hard to be understood.

    For the most part me and D did click like this. However occasionally he would misunderstand me. I think he thinks I am a bit up myself and don’t like to get my hands dirty. Well, he did actually call me a Princess before we finally split up. He more or less told me how I was very young for my age, and how I seemed like I didn’t want to have children and I wanted to be an eternal young woman and singleton.

    This all shocked me. Maybe there is truth in that..

    Even so I want to be with someone who loves me for me, who gets me, who I don’t have to explain myself to.

    Like with the work situation I feel completely misunderstood.

    But then I look back at emails I’ve written or comments on the blog – and I scarily realise they don’t tell the full story in quite the way I thought they did. ie I must unconsciously I must miss stuff out and not recognise this.

    What I’m trying to say is maybe I don’t see myself the way others see me. And I truly believe that I will have to somehow learn from this. Because I guess the world isn’t going to bend or change for me.

    I started to think about my mum and brother who understand me, and again I was thinking why do the people at work not understand me. I guess I am nothing to them.

    The coldness, the starkness of how clinical and cut throat life can be really scares me. People can make snap decisions about you in a heart beat and this can all have a baring as to which way your life goes.

    It scares me.

    People can like you, dislike you, embrace you, ignore you. How does it work? Why do I always feel left on the sidelines of life? How do I change so that I feel more confident?

    I feel so confused.

    The small number of people around me support me, but the rest of the world is harsh. People just look straight through me, or worse still look down on me.

    Hmm…
    How can I change to fit in..?



  36.  #36Waterfall on February 28, 2016 at 3:38 pm

    An example of this for me is on this blog.

    When I am tapping and tapping at the keyboard I feel I am writing this great, amazing insightful piece about my innermost thoughts which will help unlock some deep seated insecurity.

    But then I read it back and I’m like, it’s all just a bit meh and blah… I am think blimey I feel like I’ve just spilled my guts out here. And I just probably wouldn’t even read it if it wasn’t for the fact that it was me who wrote it. In short I find it boring.

    But then I guess that happens a lot in life. Quite often when I re-read a favourite book it never seems quite so exciting, quite so dramatic, quite so well written.

    Maybe that’s how I see myself. I’ve expressed myself by writing. Reading it back isn’t as exciting obviously.

    Haha I am just smiling to myself thinking about the passages in books that I’ve raved about and read them to friends only to feel tumbleweed fly over us when I get to the end.

    Haha! That says it all really…



  37.  #37Starla on February 28, 2016 at 3:39 pm

    Waterfall, I experience those same things around work. I finally decided to change careers and am in school for massage now. But first I have to, you know, keep my high-ish paying job so I can afford to go to school.

    I go through that anxiety, dread, crying, all that… But you know what? It’s never ever ever as bad as I expect it to be, and even when something I dread DOES happen, it never hurts as much as worrying about it (and all the things that never actually happen) hurts.

    Easier to tell you than to do it myself, but I give you permission to relax. How to relax? Well, if your job is more head than body, then move your body and get your heart rate up for an extended period of time. There are so many free cardio workouts online, especially on Y ou Tub e. Or do some yoga… basically just don’t sit there and feel bad. Your adrenals will thank you for it.



  38.  #38Starla on February 28, 2016 at 3:46 pm

    Waterfall 36, I am almost positive your job is one that requires you to be in your head and isn’t something like cleaning crew or anything else physical now. You are trying to get relief from the burden of your brain with that same brain by typing away at the keyboard. I bet you sit at a computer all the long day when you’re not in meetings. Move your body for the relief you seek! And maybe get a massage or a pedicure or something. You’re probably not going to be able to “think” your way out of your distress and it’s a trick your distress plays on you to preserve itself. The answer is in your body, like the core of Rori’s tools preaches.



  39.  #39Waterfall on February 28, 2016 at 3:48 pm

    Starla,

    Thank you for your kind words of wisdom, as ever! 🙂

    Yes, the stupid thing is is that I know that logically you are 100% right. I know that, I know that.

    But yet I can’t switch off the worry, the anxiety.

    It is constant. Overwhelming.

    I remember about 10 years ago being in this state about a colour I had used for a website. Literally I was stressed for about 2 whole weeks.

    At the end of it all I turned to myself and said. “Seriously, why I you losing sleep over a COLOUR??”

    Haha! I know, yet I can’t stop myself worrying. It’s like I can’t give myself permission to switch off.

    I think it’s because whenever I go for a job interview I always have so much hope and expectation for the job. Even going back after Christmas I thought to myself “right, I am going to not get so worked up here.” The world is not going to stop turning if I don’t choose the right typeface! Lol…

    But seriously, it lasts about 1 hour and I am back to my usual fretting self…

    Anyways, Starla I am interested about the fact that you are retraining. How is it going? Do you think you will make a full time career out of it?

    On another note, one thing that I realised a while ago it that I may be bored in my job and that is what is making me stressed.

    I am always waiting for the BA or PO to give the go ahead on something and sometimes it feels like a lot of waiting around before we can get going with things. And then when we do it is ever so rushed…

    Hmm…



  40.  #40Waterfall on February 28, 2016 at 3:51 pm

    Starla 38 – yes, you are right! Well spotted..

    I do go to the gym most lunch times and I also cycle to a from work. In the evening I go out with friends or have people over for supper etc…

    None of that seems to make the anxiety go aways but maybe I just need to find something else to focus on.

    It is good and takes my mind off work.



  41.  #41Starla on February 28, 2016 at 4:03 pm

    When you find yourself in your head overwhelmed with distress, get into your body. And say something else in your head. You might be just habituated at this point to distress. Interrupt it with an affirmation or something. And get physical as much as you need to. You could do 20 jumping jacks right now and take note of the difference in your feeling. Rinse and repeat.

    Also look into EFT tapping for your work related anxiety, which is something you can do on your butt :D.

    My training is going well and has its own challenges. In particular, it’s expensive and time consuming and I have a full time career that I have to keep so it’s a lot of work for now. Thanks for asking! Yes, I see it becoming a full time job, or part of a repertoire of dance instruction/performance and maybe some nutritional coaching. I’m not sure how it’s going to come together but I have an awesome big picture in my head that I can feel and taste. In October, I’m quitting my current business career. Woo!



  42.  #42Waterfall on February 28, 2016 at 4:14 pm

    Starla

    Yay to you!! Sounds amazing and I know you are such an amazingly driven siren. A true inspiration!

    Its sounds so exciting how you describe this venture evolving right infront of you. I am super impressed!

    You should do lectures or training in how to commit to something! Its a lifeskill I myself do not have.

    I always have pie in the sky ideas about doing stuff. ie opening a coffee shop, learning to play guitar, renovate old furniture, make some paintings for my flat.

    My list is endless – but thats all it ever stays – a list. And then I feel soooo disappointed with myself…

    Hey ho!!

    But yes feeling rather than thinking…

    Hmmm… Ho hum 🙂



  43.  #43Starla on February 28, 2016 at 4:29 pm

    I have a hunch that if when you’re feeling distress you take some steps towards those lovely ideas you procrastinate, your work distress will fade significantly. All your creative energy and essence is being neglected so no wonder you’re miserable. What stops you from doing any of those goals? It’s not time because you’ve been here for like half an hour, haha.

    Okay I realize I have been in a very coachy-mode today on the blog and may need to chill out.



  44.  #44Starla on February 28, 2016 at 4:36 pm

    I really like helping other people get to where they wanna be…. maybe I should consider coaching in the future. I would need to prove myself first though by coaching my own self to success in some areas I have personally been stuck in, though.



  45.  #45Tee on February 28, 2016 at 4:45 pm

    That would be awesome Starla, you totally should! Let me be the first to volunteer as your assistant extraordinaire! 🙂



  46.  #46Linda on February 28, 2016 at 5:13 pm

    Waterfall. To answer your question. Yes I do want to find someone. Some one who my and appreciates me and accepts me and mine.

    I will say However, I don’t want a bunch of drama. Like vindictive ex’s over-shadowing or a man who as brings nothing to the table financially or is dishonest and a liar.

    Yes, I do prefer to live in an orderly fashion but so far all the men I was involved with except one have all had very similar habits as I. “P” was a bit OCD about things being clean, orderly and in his personal hygiene but it did not bother me. I do love a man who smells good and has no dirt under his fingernails. I even got used to him getting up fussing with something all the time. I used to joke and ask him if he had a spring in his butt.

    Yes I do want to find someone, but not for reasons that I used to. I want to share my life and love with someone. I don’t need a caretaker or a driver or a man to work in the yard or make home repairs. I do for myself and I am secure in myself and my provision even though it is quite tight. I am just fine alone. It would be grand to find someone who is self sustaining as I and wants to share his life for the same reasons.



  47.  #47Aurora on February 28, 2016 at 5:14 pm

    Hi Sirens
    so glad this place is still here….I’ve been in and out of reading your posts for the last 5 years at least…and several relationships ago. Gone through long distance, short term, definitely not and now the last 2 years dating a man and having busted through some old stuff. No more long distance, no more guys with not so stellar pasts, no more “angry” guys….and watching what is on my plate now….who has shown up and what he is reflecting back to me.

    This post on communication resonates with me. I’ve been trying very hard to understand how I feel and find ways to speak it. But sometimes I don’t know how I feel or what to think. I’ve been dealing with relationships issue re emotional availability, both mine and “his”, trying to understand if I am ok with intimacy or can’t tolerate it.

    So is it possible to date a man who is partially emotionally available? partially physically available? Is availability an all or nothing thing? I made myself a pact that I would not get involved with a man unless his previous relationships were closed and he had his children’s issues sorted. It was a way to protect myself and be in a healthy place. Is this realistic? At middle age what happens when we get involved with men and their evolved story and things that were settled for them in their life flare up again?

    Two years ago I began dating a man with a grown son who has special needs. I met him after his son had a difficult time but restabilized. He thought he was ready to date again. (He had been married for 4 years a long time ago (to the son’s mother) but this ended in divorce. He dated on and off, including one woman for 8 years. He said she had issues coping with his son and competing for his time.) During the first few months of dating him his ex gf was calling him asking about my involvement. I had to set some firm boundaries that if it was over with her he needed to put better limits in place. He did and this gf abided by those wishes. About 6 months after I began dating him his exwife of 15 years then began and continued to intrude on his life, and their only son had relapsed and became unstable and needed more medical/psychological treatment including 24 hour assisted care now. The mother kept insisting that the son did not like me. She kept insisting that care providers that did not listen to her should be fired. At first I leaned back. I didn’t want to be involved. But I felt I was abandoning him and his son and so when he would tell me about medical meetings etc. I offered to come for support. I wanted to keep this young man safe also because his mother was dating men who were physically violent toward her and the son was getting exposed to the violence. So much of the focus became centered on the son’s needs, keeping him safe, getting him help, dealing with the mother. The man I ‘m dating kept promising things would improve which would mean more time to tend to our relationship. He keeps saying he wants to get back to where we were at the beginning. It’s been two years of the same thing. He keeps saying he doesn’t want to lose me. My grown kids really like him and see him as a step dad. They liked his son before he became unstable.

    But it feels like this man is more and more unavailable both physically and emotionally. When I talk to him about it and set boundaries he says he is doing all he can. He has a lawyer helping him. He is trying to get his son help. I feel selfish asking him to tend to our relationship in the midst of it.

    How long do I keep listening to ” please don’t give up on me” and ” I want us to work. I want a future with you”. I feel alone in this relationship most of the time. And when I ‘m with him I feel like I’m his get away, his “break” from the chaos. I’ve tried to lean back. But I always feel pulled back in. If things settled down and his ex wife stayed out of his hair and his son stabilized I could do this. But it just keeps going on and on. I don’t know what to do. Am I abandoning him if I say “enough?”. How do I deal with his requests to stick it out with him? How do I deal with these feelings of guilt?

    They say “when a person shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.”

    why can’t I let that sink in ?

    love
    Aurora



  48.  #48Aurora on February 28, 2016 at 5:17 pm

    Linda 46

    I ‘m with you….don’t want drama or a vindictive ex wife overshadowing….

    do you believe as I’ve heard that we attract these relationships because of something we haven’t resolved in our selves?

    what are we doing to attract drama or a vindictive ex wife in a man we are dating?

    I’m curious if you ever look at things this way?

    Aurora



  49.  #49Aurora on February 28, 2016 at 5:27 pm

    maybe I should just get back to basics and start “de-exclusive-ing” my relationship and simply date him, lower my expectations of my relationship with him despite his speaking of a married future together. Obviously it’s not in the cards right now. Who knows if it ever will be until he gets his ex-life together. Maybe I should be more focused on what I need, my children and friends both women and men. I’ve given up so much in the past two years (mostly time with my girlfriends) waiting on him. I work all week and wait for the weekends with anticipation only to not have any real plans with him, literally with the phone or text ringing at 5pm Friday night asking what I’m doing because only then does he know if he ‘s available….I feel not in his front and center……sigh.

    Maybe that’s the problem. I feel guilty at the thought of asking that I be a man’s front and center priority emotionally. Though I have a life, and I”m not known to be “needy” I want to know he will be there for me. I can’t open up unless a man is truly available He’s not though is he. Is it too old fashioned to expect that?

    Aurora



  50.  #50Aurora on February 28, 2016 at 5:30 pm

    I feel blah, empty, frustrated, (is it still ok to blurt out my feelings here?) I feel sad being second all the time. I feel like a transparent veil……just floating…..like life is moving through me, passing me by, a witness to waiting….not getting excited about anything because it’s out of reach…..waiting for the next person to ask something of me……forgotten what it’s like to do things for myself and not feel guilty. 🙁



  51.  #51Linda on February 28, 2016 at 7:15 pm

    Wow Aurora.That certainly is a plate full. If I were in your place I could feel myself wanting to run and escape. This is just me though. I am not in the midst of your situation. When I am struggling I do sink into myself. I usually do feel things in my tummy and it pretty clear for me to read there. It is not unreasonable to want to feel respected and first with our significant other. I do. I think this is possible too.

    As far as attracting things into our lives that are unresolved in ourselves. I just do not believe in this. I know many here do though. In the specific situation of a vindictive ex, applying this to myself does not fit. I have never had any of this in my personal life. I have one ex and he is the father of my 2 children. We are friends and have mutually respect one another. The dynamics that I grew up was very different than this though, and I lived thru how upsetting that was, so I have made very sure not to repeat this in my life.

    Men typically focus on one thing at a time and deal with one box at a time. Perhaps you can find things that feed you and there will be a shift in the frustration you are feeling will shift as well. What we focus on grows, so plant seeds in your garden that bring you personal joy and happiness and see what happens.

    xo



  52.  #52BeLoved on February 28, 2016 at 7:43 pm

    (((Mandy))) I feel delighted you’re back!



  53.  #53Indigo on February 29, 2016 at 4:02 am

    Mandy,

    Thank you for your apology. As I said on the previous thread, I certainly understand your reaction as I have myself got angry and defensive when caring friends have pointed out things which were difficult for me to see or accept. With time though I have learnt to slow down and breathe and remind myself that these people are NOT trying to attack me and weigh up what they are saying for truth. If I have a guttural reaction to something there is basically a 100% chance that there is something for me to learn and look at within myself. I won’t labour the point, but I am trying not to treat my friends like my enemies just because I am in a learning curve. It takes a big person to apologise Mandy, so brava.

    You did ask for open and honest feedback on what the sirens think of these men, so here is mine: Yes, I have known men like this. I still do. A couple of them are my closest friends and they have an undoubted appeal. Again, I’m speaking absolutely from my own experience here. It’s appealing especially if you have doubts about your own ability to sustain a real, intimate long term relationship and you have a handsome, appealing man in front of you telling you all the right things to turn you into a soft, blissful, feminine puddle, where you open yourself and feel so tempted to give yourself to him. You tell yourself it’s only for the pleasure of it, that that’s all you want and that you know he can’t give you a real, solid relationship and you’re fine with that… And that’s fine. Great even. If all you want from him is friendship and companionship and great sex and an interesting, warm man to spend time with every now and again… Like I said, I have a couple of those sorts of friends in my life and I love them dearly. But when I get into a real relationship, I know I have to put distance between myself and them and I also know I have to keep the parameters of the relationship with them very clear to myself. And this isn’t always easy. Just don’t kid yourself. Be real with yourself. Know what this man is, and what he is not. If you can be with him and let him choose you if he’s going to and not choose you if he’s not going to, and are able to continue with your life and be fine with it either way, then go ahead. But I wouldn’t like to see you get hurt again. So I think hanging back is a very good option for now 🙂



  54.  #54BeLoved on February 29, 2016 at 8:47 am

    So this is a fun success story – a friend of mine has been in a poly relationship for a year. She saw and talked to a particular man mostly on weekends. Everything has been consistent and good for her, but she felt so lonely during the week. She was telling me how she wanted to approach ‘getting’ him to call her more often during the week. She had a lot of justifications and convincing and explaining stuff, and I said, well how do you feel about this (Inspired by Azure Blu!): I feel like I want a relationship where we talk on the phone every day, what do you think?

    She liked it, and used it and to her delight, she said it was like a lightbulb moment and he had never actually thought of it, he said, oh, of course, whyhaven’twebeendoingthatalready???
    Two months later, she is still getting daily phone calls, which have made all the difference for her.

    I love that it can be so easy. 😀



  55.  #55Azure Blu on February 29, 2016 at 9:40 am

    ((((Linda))) #32
    So interesting to read this…
    You express so WELL the mine field that Rage and Anger does to the other person who is present and the recipient of such an outburst…
    ” The past has shown me over and over that I never knew what step might hear “click” and then explode.”

    From my point of view…
    and it seems you have had this revelation also,
    lovely, warm hearted, Linda…
    P is the ONLY one who can fix the deep down
    self loathing that probably causes these
    horrific outbursts…
    HE CAN NEVER be close to you…
    It would SCARE him to death…

    This must have been how others experienced MY outbursts of anger and rage –
    which was ALL about MY Fear,
    my EXTREME FEAR (I experienced black outs when anything about feelings would happen)
    of emotional intimacy,
    always driving others FAR AWAY from ME…
    because
    I HATED myself!!!
    I KNEW I WAS a
    MONSTER!!

    Yesterday I visited my parents and experienced
    just what you talked about, LINDA
    “I never knew what step might hear “click” and then explode.”
    My step father is VERY abusive to my mother in just this way… they have been married 21yrs.
    and as we sat at the dinner table, twice i thought I heard the “click” , as he was about to explode…
    But he didn’t – probably because I was there…
    Sooo sad…

    But there was NOTHING anyone could give ME to satiate the Lack of Love I had for *ME*… the Hatred I felt toward
    ***ME***
    As I systematically drove Everyone who loved Me away…
    and I lost everything (both my children) and all pocessions…
    from drug abuse and TERRIBLE life choices…
    With the help of the 12 step programs…
    I began the slow life long journey
    of realizing… down deep in my soul…
    that **I** am loveable!!!



  56.  #56Azure Blu on February 29, 2016 at 9:46 am

    Starla #37
    YES< YES< YES!!
    Movement… concentrating on the muscles
    in MY body
    my body in motion…
    Ahhh… the relief of it ALL!



  57.  #57Azure Blu on February 29, 2016 at 9:49 am

    Starla #41
    Congratulations… I don’t think i new you were working toward a Beautiful
    BIG picture for your career change…
    It all sounds amazing..
    And yes,… I have found Massage another key
    in my total AZURE -Princess happiness!



  58.  #58Azure Blu on February 29, 2016 at 10:01 am

    Beloved…
    So lovely to hear this simple success story…
    That is exactly what I have found…
    The more Clear I became/become with what I want…
    and shared it with bf, CDs…
    They LOVED that i wanted a forever, rest of my life/marriage…
    They loved it that I wanted to talk everyday on the phone and see them etc..
    and if they didn’t
    that’s ok… i just new we weren’t a match..
    :-))



  59.  #59Mandy on February 29, 2016 at 10:17 am

    Beloved, Indigo, and Waterfall,

    Thank you for your responses!

    Waterfall, I feel I’m bl;ooming late but oh well, that’s okay, I am 34…sometimes when a person becomes more sure of who they are they are open to learning more.

    Indigo…oooh….that’s lots of good information…I just haven’t had my coffee because I need to walk across the street and get some half n half LOL…so when I drink my coffee I will have your post copied and pasted in front of me so I can really go through it once or three times even. I am just not focusing very well at the moment. This happened to me in college, lol. But Just give me a second to take it all in. I think what I’m hearing is………..being sure of what I want, having boundaries and making sure the person I share my feelings with isn’t toxic…….but let me go through it again as I said…fuzzy mind this morning, lol!

    Thanks Beloved, honestly this blog is too effective to stay away from, I need it.



  60.  #60Mandy on February 29, 2016 at 10:24 am

    Indigo –

    I am reminded of a song called About A Girl that goes;

    “I’ll take advantage while/you hang me out to dry/but I can’t see you every night”

    I’m thinking maybe…An interesting, warm man to spend time with every now and again…it does help…BUT…..

    Those situations have a chance of developing into “I’ll take advantage while you hang me out to dry”…or vice versa…

    So, there are men who disguise themselves as someone safe to do this with then if you end up falling for them you end up getting hurt because you fell for a liar or someone who is very toxic.

    I remember one CD I had a long time ago, who I’d have sex with every now and again. I developed a big crush on him but he eventually told me he hates monogamy, but then I find him with this girlfriend, lol.

    It’s this type of thing that is dangerous. Needing physical intimacy but then….huh, you know.



  61.  #61Mandy on February 29, 2016 at 10:31 am

    PS Indigo,

    If this means anything different, I have a female friend who i confide in who nurtures me quite a deal and I have intimacy with so that seems a better option at the moment than throwing myself to the wolves as it were….very confusing though.



  62.  #62Mandy on February 29, 2016 at 10:38 am

    We DID just see a video from a male coach who says just keep abstaining from sex and then the man will want to be around you for you…



  63.  #63Indigo on February 29, 2016 at 11:01 am

    Mandy,

    Yes that’s more or less it.

    The guy doesn’t have to be toxic or a liar for you to get hurt though. It can happen just as easily with reasonably decent guys… they state their intentions upfront, or show you their intentions clearly through their actions. And we go ahead and lead ourselves to a place where we want more from them anyway. Not good. Not to mention, having guys like this hanging around in your life in this capacity is a definite barrier to intimacy. So, do with that info what you will.



  64.  #64Millie on February 29, 2016 at 1:04 pm

    Well ladies, the change I’ve been wanting to happen for so long has happened. Last week I finally woke up and had zero desire for M. I thought it would be a fleeting feeling, so I didn’t think too much of it. I’ve been thinking about synchronicity lately and felt in my bones that M will contact me again and soon. And he did. But it seems his only curiosity about me is what’s happening in my sex life. I feel like, as I posted on the other thread, that he’s only reaching out to see if I’m still available to him. I don’t know… I don’t even like/know him anymore. I had better things to do than continue in a boring conversation where clearly he wanted me to chase him. It’s been a long journey letting this man go, but I can say now that he’s really killed any attraction or hope I had for him.

    The other turning point I felt this weekend is my discussion with my guy friend, I’ll call him T. I went into a swirl of gremlins and felt him trying to help, but his own frustrations were also appearing. After talking on the phone with him for a long time, I felt so heard and understood. It felt so wonderful to be so vulnerable, to tell him I was scared of losing his friendship, and he admit he was scared of losing me too… To be able to be so vulnerable and talk about my gremlins and how I feel towards me and he accepted me. It’s not often a guy responds positively to me sharing that part of myself. The next day, we had a great day and I noticed how HE changed too. For example, I mentioned before he can be condescending..well this time when I made a mistake helping him he laughed! I was so surprised. He said, you know instead of getting uptight, I’m choosing to laugh about it. It immediately made me loosen up and laugh too! He saw the role he was playing in my feelings and changed! As a result we actually had fun laughing about the silliness of the mistake and our dynamic embodied the fun part of our relationship. I am in awe of him! He also made a comment about my new positive attitude and how it made a difference! It just feels so darn good when someone listens and not only notices when you are growing, but tries to grow themselves along with you! I feel like with having this support and understanding I can really do anything. This weekend feels like a huge turning point for me. 🙂



  65.  #65Azure Blu on February 29, 2016 at 1:14 pm

    ((((Millie)))) #64
    This feels sooo good to hear…
    I feel happy and bright shinning wonderful
    as you ride your horse in your happyeverafter everyday!!
    Thank you so much for sharing your vulnerable, authentic journey YOU are amazing, lovely Siren!



  66.  #66Azure Blu on February 29, 2016 at 1:36 pm

    Aurora…
    Ahhh… we are sooo happy to hear your Siren melody…
    We do welcome all authentic, vulnerable ramblings, singing, riffing, poems, thoughts, prayers and meditations!!! and anything else you care to share.

    Thank you for being so open and vulnerable…
    To me is sounds like you Have put yourself on the back burner…
    As you have mentioned here…

    I found myself in a similar dating situation… and
    I did NOT get involved with his skyzophrenic daughter (because he didn’t ask) which I am so grateful for!!
    However… as he became less and less available-
    canceling dates, being flaky, never asking me out till the last minute… etc. (he said because of his daughter)
    I did decide to STOP being exclusive – and gave him the script…
    “I love our time together…
    I love getting to know you…
    I understand your daughter is a priority and so admire this about you…
    and of course your job too…
    I do want to see you, talk to you, have s*x on a regular basis
    I don’t want to put any more pressure on you..
    I think it would be a good idea to start going out with others.”
    He did not answer me (I text this)
    for several weeks…
    and he mentioned me being online dating again…
    I said
    “Lovely man, I only want to date you… but you said you don’t have time for a girl friend.”
    and we did start dating again but
    I did not give up dating others…
    Until he was able to let go of his daughters constant care and act like a boyfriend _ which took another year-
    There is much more to the story but
    in my experience… I start getting VERY resentful and feel neglected if Im not actively looking
    for a Man I really want in my life..



  67.  #67Mandy on February 29, 2016 at 3:39 pm

    Indigo, gosh I guess CDs aren’t men you HAVE to get in bed with. I need to practice abstaining until it feels right I think that must be key……and not connect sexually at first!



  68.  #68Starla on February 29, 2016 at 3:50 pm

    Mandy, I’m the queen of not putting out. It’s never caused me problems! 🙂

    Ladies, the quit rage showed up like clockwork. It feels so awful. But it’s very validating to see how angry and mad and sensitive i feel just like last week at this time when i quit. It means it really is the withdrawals and not me. And this time my boyfriend hasn’t even been interacting with me to set me off, so it’s not the relationship either. Wow i am full of rage….. Woooo



  69.  #69Aurora on February 29, 2016 at 4:35 pm

    66 Azure Blu
    you’re so sweet and open to share your words…I thank you for them and your genuine thoughts

    Oh to find the script for the makings of healthy boundaries….I do like the way you word things….They are feeling messages, no blame, just putting out there what you want…..being genuine….

    I have also shared this with my bf (it feels weird to call him a bf because we are middle age….but that’s my hang up)….shared that he needs to deal with the stuff in his corner before I would consider him fully available…and I give him credit for trying,…but I suppose that’s exactly what it is “credit”…..not actual payment that he’s sending my way….wishful thinking for the future….and that’s where I struggle when I’m home at night alone or wondering if we will have plans for Friday when it’s already 5pm. When I get caught up in the “he’s trying” and he says “I;m doing what I can”….that’s my soft spot and I keep waiting. I guess I need to come to terms with how long I am willing to wait….before I become unexclusive again.

    You mentioned: “I did decide to STOP being exclusive – and gave him the script…” that’s the key….what’s the threshold to make that move. Can I get rid of the judgements in my head around that.

    And once you did , you mention it took a year….wow. At least one can let go of resentment and anger because that choice to stop being exclusive reminds us we are in the driver’s seat…

    xo Aurora



  70.  #70Aurora on February 29, 2016 at 4:37 pm

    64 Yay Millie.
    I’m happy for you!



  71.  #71Dominique on February 29, 2016 at 5:14 pm

    Millie – 64 – This feels SO wonderful to read. Congratulations. Your hard work has paid off big time. I feel so very proud. And look what happened – one door closes, and another, good feeling one has opened. You CAN open yourself to a man authentically AND be well received. YAY!!!

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  72.  #72Mandy on February 29, 2016 at 5:17 pm

    Starla,

    So…you said you’re into the Lifestyle…does that mean you have non-sexual play or no play at all at times?

    Are you comfy not having sexual intercourse for a long while and not have it bug you?



  73.  #73Aurora on February 29, 2016 at 5:37 pm

    Clicking my ruby red slippers and opening to Dorothy’s & Dominique’s words…
    …there’s no place like home…..

    You CAN open yourself to a man authentically AND be well received.

    You CAN open yourself to a man authentically AND be well received.

    You CAN open yourself to a man authentically AND be well received.

    🙂



  74.  #74Mandy on February 29, 2016 at 5:38 pm

    I have this thing where sex…..has pulled me into some seriously bad relationships; we connected sexually at first then I missed the red flags because I bonded with the man before I saw him show his true colors.

    It is CLEAR to me I MUST abstain at least to a certain degree!

    I am definitely not the type of woman who can just go have sex with a strange man. That’s not me at all and I don’t want to give that impression…it’s just I have to have attraction and connection and for that I have to be around someone some.

    But after I feel the connection and attraction it’s nearly impossible for me to stay away from having sex. I am naturally so highly driven, and I am at my sexual peak.

    But I wonder if sex is sealing some kind of deal for me emotionally, like proof of acceptance or love. It shouldn’t be. That would be low-value behavior. I shouldn’t feel bad without it, and then like I am only attractive, with it. I can be attractive all the time…always attractive… simply because I’m a woman.

    It might make things easier to just…..not do anything like that. Not feel obligated (to myself) to sleep with anyone, not jump at the chance to have sex, not try too hard to please during sex, and not be afraid to just say no. To anything.

    And when the time is right, things feel right and I’ve run it by the Sirens, of course…then sure. Condoms will be bought, lol.

    I definitely don’t want to go the direction of feeling bad for having sex, I just want to cut out the Riff-Raff. The ones only looking for sex, being put in the friend zone, and possibly forming an addiction to a man. Yuck yuck and yuck.

    I see this happening with DancingWolf. He’s very attractive to me physically and that’s always the pattern with guys who end up hurting me. Sexually attractive and distant or emotionally unavailable in some manner. He’s very much into many other women lol, so that one would be strange to be in a relationship with. He’s great as a friend, and gives great advice, and is there for me in that regard, but commitment, or romance, I am not seeing that so much. I could be wrong. He seems to want that but I could just be completely off. I don’t know. Just…watching out for that one. I guess it doesn’t matter anyway if he’s a guy I shouldn’t be with romantically or not, because I am not supposed to do anything to try to make him be romantic with me anyway, lol. He’d have to say to me first he wants to be with me romantically for me to have to consider it, lol. So why worry about it even.

    He asked me to come over and so I did and we did have intercourse. He’s the type who wants to play a computer game while you sit next to him and occupy yourself with a TV show or movie. Kind of odd set up but it works for hanging out. I don’t mind it so much, although I would like to talk to him more, but then maybe I shouldn’t have such urgency for conversation either, lol. I should practice holding that space.



  75.  #75Jessie1000 on February 29, 2016 at 7:37 pm

    Oohhhh Mandy I wish I was the opposite of myself…I’m so shy and it takes me long time to have sex ugh I hate it and months before I don’t close my eyes and feel completely self conscious ugh it’s so embarrassing
    I end up in. Relationships I hate because I don’t want to date anyone and spend months and months single ugh so lonely….
    I wish I can get help for my problem as most of my men have at some time bragged that. I will never leave them ugh even if they are assholes…yuck yuck to me



  76.  #76Starla on February 29, 2016 at 7:54 pm

    Mandy, I’m not comfortable going a long time without if I have an exclusive partner. That feels like neglect to me. But outside of that, Nothing about having a preference or draw toward a particular bedroom dynamic means I should therefore be more forthcoming with putting out or that I am some crazed freak who has to have it. If anything, it means I should be very selective and take my time because it is a very vulnerable dynamic that really is only worth what it has to offer when you fully trust someone. Otherwise you’re just “playing dress up” with the dynamic and it misses the mark entirely.

    When my guy loses his cool or betrays my safety and trust in fighting, I need vanilla in the bedroom for a day or two. Submission is about safety and trust.

    The dynamic you enjoy has nothing to do with promiscuity and nontraditional relationship arrangements like poly or swinging, and i think it’s so weird that they get lumped together. In fact, I think the dynamic you seek is only worth a damn in a real relationship where you get your needs met outside of the bedroom too.



  77.  #77Starla on February 29, 2016 at 8:00 pm

    I think guys that can only enjoy themselves in a theatrically dominant role in bed are emotionally unavailable and are going to forever be a source of heartbreak. Just my opinion but someone who cannot let go without that level of constant control has got some issues. I’m glad there is an outlet for them in the lifestyle and all, but it’s a red flag for suuuuuure if that’s the only way they can sincerely enjoy being close physically.



  78.  #78Millie on February 29, 2016 at 9:12 pm

    Azure and Aurora- thank you!! I feel so joyous hearing your supportive words!! 🙂

    Domininque 71- Hi!! I have missed your voice on the blog! I feel heard, and seen, and recognized and so happy to have sirens here to celebrate my progress with!

    Yes, one door has closed and another has opened!! However, my guy friend must remain just a friend. Our relationship isn’t romantic, which I think is also helping me with sharing my feelings because there isn’t as much “risk”…even though I did feel some fear and told him that. I do feel attracted to him the more and more I get to know him and the more we grow together, but we are in different places in our lives due to a large age gap. I also am not sure he feels more than friendship for me, since he hasn’t really led me to believe otherwise with his actions. I don’t feel any urgency though..I know that as Azure said, lean back, smile, and let him lead is really the answer to everything and the right man will show up. Plus I think Ive been craving emotional intimacy so much, that because he is giving me that I am feeling very “high” off of it. I feel a spark, but we shall see if it grows into a fire.



  79.  #79Emerson on February 29, 2016 at 10:00 pm

    Hello sirens
    Thank you for sharing your wisdom and stories and your hearts. I learn so much hearing about your journeys. Just wanted to say thanks.



  80.  #80Indigo on March 1, 2016 at 12:34 am

    Aurora,

    Wow, I feel so unqualified to offer any insight or feedback, but just wanted to offer my empathy.

    The only thing I would say is that I believe it is totally healthy and good to tend to your own life, and your own needs, and desires even… after so long it is probably what your soul is calling for. Let him catch up with you if he can. That is what I would do if it were me, and see if that provided any fresh clarity.



  81.  #81Azure Blu on March 1, 2016 at 2:21 am

    Helena Hart says in a blog post on her site:

    “We have to stop blaming ourselves and beating ourselves up before a man is going to feel safe with us.

    Here’s how to start turning this around:

    1. Start by “catching” yourself every time you start going down the path of beating yourself up. Notice how often you’re blaming yourself throughout the day – especially when things aren’t going the way you hoped they would.

    2. Forgive yourself for even THINKING you could ever do anything wrong.

    3. Tell yourself that you haven’t done anything wrong, and that you haven’t made any mistakes – even if you’re having a hard time believing it right now.

    4. Slather love all over yourself – whatever that looks like to you. Imagine that love is like lotion and slather it all over your body and face.

    If a man is not doing his job in the relationship, rather than battering yourself and racking your brain trying to figure out what you should be doing – STOP yourself before you beat yourself up, and go through these four steps instead.

    This will start you down the path of being organically led to make decisions that will serve you better than anything else – you’ll begin to trust yourself.

    When you stop beating yourself up, you’ll start organically moving toward the life you want, instead of staying stuck where you are at the moment.”

    Here’s the link:
    http://helenahartcoaching.com/stop-beating-yourself-up/



  82.  #82Azure Blu on March 1, 2016 at 3:05 am

    Aurora #69
    I’m 64yrs… :-))
    I believe, for me, it worked out for the benefit of Spirit and my relationship (if we had a chance)

    BECAUSE I was CDing others while dating Spirit
    (I made sure he knew I was Only having s*x with him)
    He didn’t like me dating others… but wasn’t stepping up like i wanted…
    I learned MORE about me with the other CDs…
    like Rori says… FREE therapy
    and LOTS of practice being feminine, using feeling messages
    Soooo *IF* anything COULD work with Spirit
    I was becoming a SELF loving Siren, border holding,
    warm on the outside, admiring and feminine
    Soooo when he did come around…
    I WAS ready for a dynamic, fun, loving
    authentic relationship



  83.  #83Azure Blu on March 1, 2016 at 3:19 am

    Kath#6
    Wow… thank you for sharing and being
    so vulnerable!
    How confused you must feel
    to have found the love of your life
    and then meeting his addiction!

    Has he talked about getting help for this addiction?
    There are 12 step programs for this…
    or counselors…
    I feel concerned about why he would share the details of his sexual exploits…
    Are you exclusive?
    Have you shared what you are wanting in a relationship?



  84.  #84Starla on March 1, 2016 at 5:42 am

    Oh so cranky and triggered. I started feeling really down about my world and then i remembered… It’s just the quitting smoking.



  85.  #85Azure Blu on March 1, 2016 at 6:16 am

    ((((Starla)))
    Yay… keep on NOT SMOKING
    YOU ARE BRAVE AND AMAZING!!!
    and you are doing this cause
    YOU love YOU!!
    oxoxo



  86.  #86Starla on March 1, 2016 at 6:44 am

    Thank you for your encouragement!
    Quitting is easy. Moodiness is hard. But it just occurred to me that this is a great opportunity to practice dealing with my triggers because none of them are real threats.



  87.  #87Azure Blu on March 1, 2016 at 8:12 am

    Starla
    you are welcome…
    You are sooo right… :-))
    quitting IS easy…
    if it were difficult…
    EVERYONE would do it!!! :-0
    huggs



  88.  #88Indigo on March 1, 2016 at 8:26 am

    I just felt the need to come on here and blog because I can feel the downward part of feeling needy coming on. It’s all part of an inevitable cycle… I go down for a few days and then I come back up again and everything is fine. It’s a trend, a part of life. If you were to plot it on a graph it would be a wave pattern… down and then up again, and then down and then up… with gradual curves both up and down. I am playing on getting a hold on this by noticing the signs and what I start to think and feel, and the things that I get the urge to do, when I go into the downward slope… and also noticing how I feel and my thoughts and the lack of urgency when I am on the upward swing (which feels great). Having this scientific approach to it seems to be helpful to me… it seems to take blame out of it. Blame of other people for not meeting my secret needs, and blame of myself for feeling this way. If it’s a natural and inevitable part of life then I can prepare and cope and manage? Much the same way I do with anything else that feels difficult, like having my period, or having lots of work, or overstimulation.



  89.  #89Femininewoman on March 1, 2016 at 8:32 am

    Indigo it reminds me of Rori’s Reconnect your Relationship in encouraging people to find a way to create a “new normal”. This kind of pattern is an invitation to consciously create a new normal.



  90.  #90Femininewoman on March 1, 2016 at 8:36 am

    Emerson 🙂



  91.  #91Azure Blu on March 1, 2016 at 8:42 am

    Indigo…
    What you are sharing here seems to go along with
    Helena’s Blog post #81…

    and I just read in one of Rori’s archives
    It is So important to be EXCITED when we Catch
    ourselves in times like these!!
    Excited that we DID observe our patterns!!
    and then forgiveness…
    I dont’ know…. forgiveness seems to imply that
    we have done something WRONG
    But It does feel good when I do forgive myself…
    Extra love and hugss to you, Darling!
    oxoxo



  92.  #92Indigo on March 1, 2016 at 9:26 am

    Feminine Woman, yes 🙂 bringing the downward parts of the neediness cycle slowly up to create an overall more peaceful normal.

    I find that during my happy times these days I feel an inner serenity, almost blissful… so the downward needy parts are very disconcerting and frightening because they seem to come out of the blue. But it’s all so much better than it was… much, much better, and getting better all the time.



  93.  #93Kim on March 1, 2016 at 11:05 am

    Wedding planning is no picnic…just saying.
    😉



  94.  #94Kim on March 1, 2016 at 11:14 am

    I am so excited though, it will be super casual and on a beach in my favorite location in the world….not much fuss….very small. Just a few people! Venue is on a bay and really casual 🙂

    The few members of my family I have are excited too…lol….I have some flying in from overseas…so much planning and organizing even though it’s months away!

    We both didn’t want a long engagement…we’ve dated for 2.5 years and lived together for almost 1. And then he carried the ring around in his pocket for two months!

    I must say all this planning puts me in so much male energy I feel like I am about to grow a beard, honestly!
    Need to calm down and do something for me….



  95.  #95Azure Blu on March 1, 2016 at 11:31 am

    KIM@!!@@**%^
    Ohhhh…. YAY… share the proposal story…

    What is your wedding date?

    I feel super excited for you and MoM!!

    DOn’t think he’d like you with a beard..
    just saying!



  96.  #96Azure Blu on March 1, 2016 at 11:33 am

    On your favorite beach!!! that IS the most AWESOME!!!
    and family from Germany is flying over!!
    sounds super romantic!
    oxoxo



  97.  #97Helena Hart on March 1, 2016 at 12:27 pm

    Azure Blu – 81 – Thank you so much for sharing my blog post, I’m so glad it resonated with you! Yes, it’s very important for us to be in rapport with ourselves and “step into ourselves” so we can feel loved for who we really are. I talk about that in a similar post, it goes right along with the importance of not beating ourselves up:

    http://helenahartcoaching.com/how-to-stop-being-hard-on-yourself-to-get-the-love-you-want/

    Love, Helena



  98.  #98Aurora on March 1, 2016 at 1:34 pm

    Indigo 80

    thanks so much for sharing these words which resonate clearly:
    “Let him catch up with you if he can. That is what I would do if it were me, and see if that provided any fresh clarity”.

    yeah….why am I holding back and waiting? You helped me realized that I am feeling some guilt and misplaced selfishness……if my life is in order and his is not I have some irrational thought that I’m suppose to help him and wait for him and if I don’t I’m being selfish or bad on some level….whoa that’s a new insight for me.

    I feel like I have to dial my life down sometimes to be with him. If I’m too happy and he isn’t I always find myself wanting to listen to help him feel better….but most of the time a lot of his focus is on the negative and doesn’t change. He said something weird to me a couple weeks ago….he said “if I were you I’d hit me for all the things I put you through”…….but he said it with a nervous laugh….like a side of him knew he was getting away with it….like I was suckered into listening to his stress all the time. That was powerful too.

    oh my what AM I doing?

    xo

    Tuesday, 1 March 2016 @ 12:34am



  99.  #99Aurora on March 1, 2016 at 1:38 pm

    Yay Starla
    Yay clean air and fresh clear lungs that can breathe in life for you……
    Wow that’s so awesome!!

    xo
    Aurora



  100.  #100Aurora on March 1, 2016 at 1:45 pm

    (((((((((((Indigo)))))))))))

    xo



  101.  #101Starla on March 1, 2016 at 2:53 pm

    Yay fresh air! I want to breathe fresh air into my mind as these clouds of withdrawal induced imbalance pass. Reminds me of a wakka written by the Japanese meiji emperor:

    Like the sky in clear light green
    I wish my mind could be as vast



  102.  #102Mandy on March 1, 2016 at 9:07 pm

    Thank you Jessie and Starla,

    Starla, I think it only works in a real relationship too.

    I should ALSO be very selective and take my time because it is a very vulnerable dynamic that really is only worth what it has to offer when you fully trust someone!



  103.  #103Azure Blu on March 2, 2016 at 7:14 am

    Helena Hart #97
    Thank you for this new link…
    I am being supper hard on myself about procrastination and ALL the projects work and home
    that I am not getting done…
    This is an on going battle with myself…



  104.  #104Starla on March 2, 2016 at 7:32 am

    Mandy, yes!



  105.  #105Starla on March 2, 2016 at 8:40 am

    It’s day 4 quitting smoking. This is where I really fell apart last week. Day 4 was brutal… I felt so much anger and rage toward people around me and especially toward myself. I turned into a complete crazy person and finally smoked a cigarette and was suddenly rational again. I will get through this day, and the next, and the next.



  106.  #106Azure Blu on March 2, 2016 at 8:45 am

    (((Starla)))
    Yes… you can get through THIS day 4 and then it will be day 5!!! you’re doing great!



  107.  #107Femininewoman on March 2, 2016 at 8:47 am

    Starla I got Rori’s email today and it was about anger.

    I wonder how “what you focus on grows” can help you today?



  108.  #108Starla on March 2, 2016 at 8:52 am

    I would like to focus on a slice of delicious cake….
    I have mentioned this before here but one challenge has been not letting myself rely on other crutches to get through the cravings. But I might “cave” and head to the pastry shop for something truly decadent.



  109.  #109Femininewoman on March 2, 2016 at 9:23 am

    It is your perspective that makes the difference I think. I read your words and I thought “that would be a reward to celebrate your dedication and devotion to yourself”.

    You don’t even have to eat the whole slice. It would be symbolic of celebrating Starla



  110.  #110Starla on March 2, 2016 at 9:32 am

    Mmmmm, cake.
    That is a great point, FW. I’m not sure how it would land on me. I don’t know if I would feel like a sneaky cheat or if I would feel like I’m celebrating. Maybe tomorrow or the next day it will be clearer, and then I can eat some cake :). At the very least, I don’t have to urgently decide today! And delicious, clear, healthy water is quite a way to celebrate myself.



  111.  #111Aurora on March 2, 2016 at 3:10 pm

    mmmm cake….

    but I digress….

    so ladies I did it…..last night I spoke my truth to my bf, who has been so caught up in his own problems lately (mostly with his son) ….for the past few nights he has fallen asleep at home, said he would call and did not…texted the next morning mostly about his problems and then texts me at the end of the work day to see what I’m doing to see if we can spend time for an hour or two. Only problem is he usually is negative during the time, or again focuses on his problems. I suggested we go to the gym two nights ago, which was good, but again his talk is about his problems mostly. He said he would call in the evening and instead fell asleep. Yesterday morning he texted again about his problem flaring up and added a “how was your night”. I texted back saying I was sorry he was having a rough go and asked him how he slept and whether he was ready for his work meeting. He didn’t text for almost 7 hours. That was weird. Then when he did text again at the end of the day it was another “what are you up to, shall I come over text”

    I had to speak my truth and sink into my feelings…..mostly frustration, sadness, emptiness, confusion..I tried not to blame, simply say the roll out of events led to how I felt. I declined his offer to come over. I decided to go home and eat supper (nourish me) and putter. It felt a relief to tell him how I really felt instead of suppressing it and being the “good girlfriend” who goes along.

    xo



  112.  #112Aurora on March 2, 2016 at 3:13 pm

    111 Femininewoman….I didn’t get Rori’s email but funny you should mention anger….

    funny I did suppress that…..part of me wanting to go to the frustration instead……maybe I wasn’t so genuine after all 🙁

    My mother use to go into rages when we were little. Verbally and physically.

    No surprise I suppress anger.



  113.  #113Aurora on March 2, 2016 at 3:15 pm

    (((((Starla)))))



  114.  #114Aurora on March 3, 2016 at 5:53 am

    ok
    you’re in a relationship with a man for 2 years….stuff comes up from his past choices affecting his ability to be with you now (becomes preoccupied with it…it’s not resolving very well….left a work in progress)…..you share your feelings with him and how unavailabilty in a partner makes you feel….he apologizes for the slip ups…..he then says he doesn’t know how to move forward with the relationship but that he wants to……

    do you hang on to the “but he wants to?”
    do you take the “he doesn’t know how to ” as he just can’t right now and move on?
    do you just focus on yourself instead and leave it in neutral?
    Circular dating……that would be with myself for a while….my family…..my cat.

    oh I feel sad.

    xo 🙁

    and like my comments are echoing into empty space on the blog…..wondering where everyone is….

    I guess I’ll put another log on the fire on siren island…..and keep it warm until you all come back.

    Aurora



  115.  #115Femininewoman on March 3, 2016 at 6:15 am

    Aurora my dear
    :

    do you hang on to the “but he wants to?” Why hang on to anything. The more you cling is the more things move away from you. Why not just keep riding your horse into the wind?

    do you take the “he doesn’t know how to ” as he just can’t right now and move on? How about trust and believing that he will figure it out. Or maybe even inspire him by showing him an example of building a solid relationship with yourself and your life.

    do you just focus on yourself instead and leave it in neutral?
    Circular dating……that would be with myself for a while….my family…..my cat.

    What else do you have control of but yourself? Neutral might be the best position to be in because it seems nothing else that you have been doing has worked. Neutral might mean just stop – the space between the bars – where things get a chance to readjust themselves.



  116.  #116Azure Blu on March 3, 2016 at 6:42 am

    Aurora #111
    Great job sharing your feelings with your bf…
    and then letting him know it would feel better for you to go home…
    Great job sharing how your bf
    is very overwhelmed by his life… for the past 2 years…

    Feminine W has some wonderful insights for you#115
    one i really likes…
    “Or maybe even inspire him by showing him an example of building a solid relationship with YOURSELF and YOUR LIFE.”

    To me it feels like you are neglecting YOU…
    but I can see you are baby stepping to begin
    to LIVE your LIFE
    and bring YOU all kinds of AMAZING LOVE!!!

    Thank you for sharing on Siren Island!



  117.  #117Azure Blu on March 3, 2016 at 7:01 am

    Sirens,
    Spirit and i had an argument last night…
    I was NOT very sireny
    He asked me to leave… then took it back (that felt good)
    it was 10:00 pm and I was exhausted and crabby! :-(( (had 6 hours of sleep in 2 days)

    so I left…
    The argument was over a religious belief he holds
    something he brings up on a regular basis…
    “Taking the lord’s name in vain” He goes on about
    how horrible it is that people do this!!!
    In the past i listen to what he says
    and ask a question or two and then
    let it go…
    not tonight
    for me this is such a blaming, judgemental belief
    that many christians have…
    whether they realize it or not it does NOT promote
    kindness, or open hearted love
    which I thought were the tenants of Jesus’s teachings?

    Anyway… he did try and stop the argument – and I couldn’t stop…
    I was upset or excited… it was best I left..

    I’m feeling confused…
    I feel sad that I couldn’t STOP… like a good Siren…
    He text me when I got home
    and said
    “I am sorry we cannot discuss these things in a civil manner”
    i said:
    “I say god when we’re making love… I feel judged by you.”
    He said:”Ok”
    I said- “I feel sad that we couldn’t be together tonight”
    he said: “Me too”
    We haven’t talked today…

    any ideas, lovely Sirens,
    on how I should proceed…



  118.  #118Indigo on March 3, 2016 at 7:49 am

    (((Aurora)))

    Sorry you are feeling sad and frustrated. I know the particular brand of feelings that you are talking about. Maybe it would help you to know that I am certain he is not trying to hurt you. He is likely just doing what he feels is best for his life. There’s no intention to hurt you here, so maybe that takes a bit of the sadness away. I feel like you should be doing what you feel is best for your life too. Just set little goals for yourself and move toward them. Like maybe you set a goal for your work, or maybe you set a fun activity or outing that you’d like to do for yourself.

    If it is any consolation, I promise clarity will come eventually.



  119.  #119Indigo on March 3, 2016 at 7:54 am

    Azure Blu,

    I sympathise with you, and again, I feel unqualified to really offer any guidance.

    How would you feel about respecting his religious beliefs? Respecting those things he finds offensive and not doing them. Within reason of course. Not saying you should compromise your own beliefs. But maybe for example not taking the lord’s name in vain around him, because you know it upsets him. I know couples who have different religious beliefs and how they make it work is with the utmost sensitivity and respect, and they also don’t allow the issues to become divisive. In other words one or the other is just content to let it go.

    Evan Marc Katz and his wife for example (I’m not the greatest fan of his but he does have good things to say from time to time) have different religious backgrounds… she is staunch Catholic and he is atheist, and they make it work by accepting each other, and not discussing contentious issues. His wife is also very easygoing.



  120.  #120Azure Blu on March 3, 2016 at 8:06 am

    Indigo…
    Ahhhh… lovely, wise Siren…
    Thank you , Thank you so much…for your thoughts…

    Yes… I am VERY careful NOT to take the lord’s name in vain around him – I do this out of respect for his beliefs… My mother also believes this and so am VERY familiar doing this…
    I actually don’t use god as an exclamation very often…
    there are sooo many better ones to use!! :0))

    I too like Evan M. Katz… I had forgotten about the differences between him and his wife’s religious beliefs

    In the past – Spirit and I have agreed to NOT talk about politics or religion very often… I think a good reminder is in order…

    Now he knows my beliefs… I’m not wrong and neither is he… “let’s just not talk about this!!!!”

    Thanks darling!! I soooo much appreciate the dialogue with YOU!!!
    oxoxo



  121.  #121Kim on March 3, 2016 at 8:15 am

    (((Azure)))
    I don’t have much time, but wanted to say that I understand and that in a relationship I do and would find it hard to watch every word I say so not to offend.
    There has to be a compromise on both sides..as for doing anything: I would do nothing but love myself even more, lean back right now and do something nice for myself.
    Let him sit in his mancave for a while until he pokes his head out?
    I can tell you that my engagement, wedding planning and all the issues around it (I have a property, he does not) around wills and possible prenups and whatever else have brought the banshee out of me lol. Not him, he is happy, cool, calm and collected. Lol. He is beaming.
    I am totally unsireny in parts and my bf is very understanding, he puts me to shame really. I have had a few outbreaks over nothing…and stupid stuff like he wants his sister for a best man…and all is catering to her literally as she is a vegan and he is planning lots of stuff around her….and the other day he said something about making a will for her. Lol.
    I took it oit of context amd asked him if he would rather marry her (the two are very close and they do trigger me something rotten when they revert back to their teenage selves)….and I was very wound up, because if something happens to him and my property belongs to both us us she would have a claim. I do not want to think about these things, I want to think about happy things but we need to be practical. I want to make sure I am secure and I trust him 100% but not her – she has not even congratulated us, apparently she was too ill with a cold lol.
    So. All this triggered me insanely and I really burst out and he got all defensive but in the end he was the one who took the step forward and made me feel a lot better about everything by agreeing with me on lots of things…everything basically. He wants all that’s mine to stay mine and all that’s ours to be ours. He said he would sign anything I wanted so I feel good. Yay lol.
    So I forgave myself for my outbursts and I am so happy to see we can get over them and move forward.
    I believe this is an indication about where a relationship is heading.
    Can you see it as an opportunity for growth and edging closer to intimacy?
    And give it time?
    It always frustrates me when people insinuate all has to be happy and roses etc. I don’t think this is possible in a really deep and intimate relationship – there will always be issues….always. The key is how to resolve them eventually. It takes two to be willing.
    And: only ever since I don’t care anymore what happens, i e me having my back no matter what, my man is really stepping up. What a coincidence…



  122.  #122Indigo on March 3, 2016 at 8:22 am

    “It always frustrates me when people insinuate all has to be happy and roses etc. ”

    Kim, I’m not sure if you mean me by “people” but I was speaking from my heart. I didn’t insinuate anything of the sort and this is just the way I am and what I have found to be effective for me, it doesn’t mean it needs to be everyone. Getting a little tired of the digs.



  123.  #123Azure Blu on March 3, 2016 at 8:43 am

    Kim #121
    Ahhh… lovely, lovely Siren…
    I feel blessed to hear your wise Siren melody
    to help me when I’m feeling most confused…
    Wanting to just understand WHY i continue to be
    soooo triggered by this…
    If I can figure out the trigger… and let go…
    Wow… what a wonderful relief for **ME**

    He did text me this morning… with a question mark
    and I text back and said…
    “I feel disappointed that I couldn’t stop myself from arguing last night… it was best I left.”
    He then text me back:”I wish we could discuss these things and NOT argue.”

    For me – I think there are some things that we just need to NOT talk about!!!

    Kim I LOVE what you said here:
    “It always frustrates me when people insinuate
    all has to be happy and roses etc.
    I don’t think this is possible in a really deep and intimate relationship –
    there will always be issues….always.
    The key is how to resolve them eventually.
    It takes two to be willing.”

    I too LOVE ME so much that really, it would be alright if he started acting his usual flacky self… and we don’t work out…

    Of course I would be very sad… but
    as you mentioned… I don’t love any man
    more than ME!!



  124.  #124Azure Blu on March 3, 2016 at 8:55 am

    Indigo…
    Ohhh… darling Siren.
    Are you sure she was talking about you?

    There are a lot of people who think (me too at times)
    That arguing and agitation is NOT good for a relationship…
    and a gentle reminder, As Rori mentioned in this post,
    Communication (sometimes it is angry) is the best way
    to foster true intimacy!!
    :-))



  125.  #125BeLoved on March 3, 2016 at 9:27 am

    “I don’t love any man
    more than ME!!”

    Thank you for the reminder 🙂



  126.  #126BeLoved on March 3, 2016 at 9:36 am

    “If I can figure out the trigger… and let go…”

    Maybe the other way around – can you let go of trying to figure it out?



  127.  #127Kim on March 3, 2016 at 9:49 am

    122 Indigo, huh?
    I feel baffled.
    All I was saying was that I don’t agree with people who think a relationship is all roses and wonderful and there will never be any disagreements or they can be fluffed away…and that I believe resolving conflicts is a way to intimacy.
    You are free to believe what you want and let me know how it is working for you.
    I used to be the queen of ‘all is wonderful’, and now I am getting my needs met in every which way. I am just passing on my experience, sorry if you are having a bad day but honestly!
    Digs?



  128.  #128Kim on March 3, 2016 at 9:57 am

    124
    Azure….I agree and you know, when I do think about it…a relationship of two people who have been through a large part of their life already and experiences – it’s bound to have friction somewhere.
    It’s the way it is.
    I see very often around me people my age and older – I am 40 – expecting that it should all be like a neverending honeymoon, as a consequence their wonderful relationships last 3 months on average. Then they moan about all the bad men or all the bad women out there.
    Thing is, I have found it helpful to take my time before jumping into anything….take my time before being a ‘girlfriend’ and see how this person develops with me.
    Can they handle conflict.
    Can they communicate openly
    etc.
    These are all very important things I have struggled with in my life. Nobody is perfect but since I stopped sweeping stuff under the rug and actually communicating my needs and wants and listening to his….even if sometimes it is NOT sireny at all, I have found this to bring us much closer, maybe not in the actual moment but with time…
    It’s a struggle at times. A struggle that of course, in the first few months of a relationship hardly surfaces, but it will and it’s the test whether it solidifies or evaporates…



  129.  #129Indigo on March 3, 2016 at 10:05 am

    Kim,

    I’m sorry if I was mistaken. It’s how it seemed to me. But if you say that is what you meant I’m sure it is true. It is probably residual irritation from a comment made on the previous thread. I congratulated you on your engagement and you made a comment about the people commenting on Mandy’s situation who were “getting on their high horse”.



  130.  #130Elsie on March 3, 2016 at 10:17 am

    Kim,

    I love your story. I know that I know more than some of the girls on here since we chat outside of here. But you and I are cut from the same cloth, sister! I think that Rori’s work is great – its good! But sometimes it gets lost and misinterpreted to mean that you have to lean back and accept ANYTHING and find EXCUSES for men. I refuse. I flatly refuse. I am human. I am fussy, cranky, opinionated. I have real human emotions. And those WILL come out. I need a man that can handle those and not just softly leaning back always. I also think that girls on here use the word “triggered” just when they dont particularily like what a man, or frankly what one of us girls, says. Its sort of a fall back excuse in my opinion 🙂 Triggered is just another word for fussy. 🙂 You have every right. But again, no one is responsible for your happiness but you. I learned that long ago and never looked back. For the girls on here who know – I’ve been on a long time, off and on. I love Rori’s work, I honestly do, but I think that it gets twisted for convenience sometimes. And frankly, I am not always a fan of those that she trains – they twist her words too. Rori is fantastic, but at the end of the day, it is up to each of us to do the hard work, and make ourselves whole, and happy. I am SO PROUD of you Kim, you are one of my best friends, and I love that you stood your ground, made no excuses for him, and in the end, he manned up and knew he would lose you because you have such a strong sense of self and integrity!!!



  131.  #131Kim on March 3, 2016 at 10:19 am

    Wow Elsie’s back, and thanks for the compliments….let’s see how this goes lol



  132.  #132Elsie on March 3, 2016 at 10:23 am

    Kim,

    It takes a lot to bring me back – YOU!!! 🙂 haha!

    By the way – hello to all the old timers on here haha! 🙂 I’m doing great, living life, having fun, all is good! I dont worry about figuring out every little thing that a man says anymore and wow, life is a lot easier. Who cares anyway. LOL. I remember there was one time I spent FOUR HOURS…omg….FOUR HOURS….thinking of how to respond to a 4 word text from a man. LOL – insane. Never again. Its not worth it. I found happiness, and its not in any man, its in me. 🙂 I guess thats why I havent been on here much. I think its great to do the work, but sometimes the work can take on a life of its own and become addicting and its like going down a rabbit hole with no end. It stops being helpful and starts being obsessive – obsessing on each little detail, word, nuance, punctuation, sigh….not anymore. So, I’m glad to see everyone on here and say hi again! I hope you all are well 🙂



  133.  #133Kim on March 3, 2016 at 10:27 am

    Yes Indigo, well when we dish out our advice at length and upset others and then say ‘oh you just got triggered poor thing’, when we have spoken directly to them..uhm I dunno. So if people get triggered by my comments that are about ME and what has worked for ME then that’s really none of my business.Then they have to look at themselves, honestly, I felt shocked to see that you felt I made a dig at you. I didn’t even know where that came from.
    I am not here to lecture and honestly, if ladies on this blog rip others apart but get offended when others just state what has worked for them, then maybe they a problem with themselves. I don’t know. Again, none of my business.
    I just speak from my experience.
    And I stand by what you said to Millie I found really harsh and I do believe we are not on this blog to castrate others for the mistakes we have made also, or we are still making or whatever. My view. I am not a saint, I just don’t see the point in that.



  134.  #134Azure Blu on March 3, 2016 at 10:35 am

    Beloved #126
    thank you for flipping this…
    “Maybe the other way around – can you let go of trying to figure it out?”
    Can you explain a little more?
    Help?? :-))



  135.  #135Azure Blu on March 3, 2016 at 10:37 am

    Kim #128
    Wow!!! Wow!!
    this post is packed with GREAT stuff!!
    Thank you…
    Such a great reminder… Yes… Spirit and I have had 60+ years of life… and it’s ok to continue… at our own pace… to enjoy getting to know each other…
    AND there will be conflict…
    and I do want to stand up for me!!
    it’s OK!! :-))



  136.  #136Indigo on March 3, 2016 at 10:42 am

    Kim,

    It’s fine. You and I are very different. It’s something I say a lot to Feminine Woman too. And that’s ok 🙂



  137.  #137Azure Blu on March 3, 2016 at 10:43 am

    Elsie…
    Welcome back!!
    It is very interesting to hear from someone who has been practicing the Rori Tools for awhile
    I remember reading your posts before I ever “dared”
    to be vulnerable enough to share my feelings and
    thoughts here…
    and by the time I started posting… you had gone…
    :0))



  138.  #138BeLoved on March 3, 2016 at 12:41 pm

    Azure Blu – I usually just ask myself the questions, “Am I trying to figure this out? Can I let go of trying to figure this out?” and it makes me giggle and instantly let go. If the answer is “no”, it still makes me giggle, usually, and the result is naturally letting go anyway.

    I will also coach myself – Can I let this go, just a little bit? Even if it’s not very much? Only as best I can, no more. Usually something in me understands and gets “as best I can” and “even if it isn’t very much” and says “ok”.

    I just do this over and over, because my brain will get back to trying to figure it out. It’s like a backwards reasoning, that I can let go when I figure it out, but that’s putting off the “letting go” until some point in the future instead of right now.



  139.  #139Millie on March 3, 2016 at 1:04 pm

    Elsie 130— I 100% agree with this!!! Sometimes the work does consume me and feeds my negative patterns! Nice to see you pop in again!!!



  140.  #140Tereana on March 3, 2016 at 8:06 pm

    I took a mini break, but I am still around. I think all the time about stuff I want to write on the blog…I am glad this place is here : )

    Soldier man really is a good man to “practice” on. I really don’t think he is my “forever” man. But we aren’t really supposed to “think” our way through these things, are we?

    What I am practicing right now is leaning back, as usual. I leaned forward on Sunday, asked if he had time to talk. He didn’t. He was too busy and suggested talking “later in the week.” And so I haven’t been worried. For a few days, I was. I hoped I would hear from him. Then I started to notice that I was enjoying the space. I noticed that it felt freeing to not feel like I had to talk to him. Like I had other things I could do.

    Meanwhile, another guy friend who I know likes me has been askimg for more of my time. So I keep reminding myself to talk to who is “right in front of me.” SM will contact me when he feels like it. And when he does, I can be open, warm, and light. I can act like no time has passed, because for him, probably it hasn’t. Plus, he gave me the heads up that he might not be able to talk much during this time.

    So I could interpret it as “he doesn’t want to.” But maybe that’s not what it means.

    Actually, when he told me this, he said why he was telling me. It was because in his classes, his instructors let everyone know that they should tell their spouses that they would be communicating less. So basically, even though we do not have a “serious” relationship, he told me that because that’s what the other soldiers were going to be telling their spouses.

    That makes me feel kind of awesome 🙂



  141.  #141BeLoved on March 3, 2016 at 8:45 pm

    Kim – I feel happy to hear the news of your engagement! It all sounds wonderful and you sound happy and content, I’m happy for you and wish you all the best!



  142.  #142Lovergirl on March 3, 2016 at 8:51 pm

    I’m feeling a little weird about things tonight and not sure how to react.

    I was working at an event that RadioCD had free tickets to and wanted to go to. He mentioned it to me a few times. He has been super attentive since the whole issue with my co-worker and it was almost annoying how many times he was texting me today.

    But then he kept texting me asking questions about the event and he tells me he has extra tickets so he is meeting a friend there and “her” kids. I admit it caused me some anxiety that it was a female friend, because it seemed like something you would do on a date.

    Anyway, he finally showed up and came over and said hi to me. He was with a woman, who I would consider unattractive. She looks sort of like a former drug addict or something. Also, her teenage daughter.

    He introduced them to me and I tried to be friendly. I kind of felt like the woman seemed a little threatened by ME. So I’m not sure what is going on and I’m not sure how to handle it.

    I am pretty sure this is a woman he has mentioned to me before and she seems super needy. Like, she has asked him to come pick her up because she was having issues with her car, way out at a casino (if its the same woman, she like sells t-shirts at a casino). She has asked to do laundry at his house. She has asked him for food and he has helped her.

    So I’m not sure if he sees her as a charity case, or what? Or maybe they were on a date? He is a super friendly guy and has a lot of friends….so I hate to make a big deal out of it or anything, but it felt kinda weird to be there and he is at this event with another woman and her kid.

    He waved goodbye to me from across the room when he was leaving but I haven’t heard from him since then either. He like shouted to get my attention. I was actually standing there talking to a guy that I think was trying to ask me out but I diverted him. Maybe I should have gone out with him. He is not bad looking at all, but he lives a couple hours away and is working this event.



  143.  #143Liquid Light on March 3, 2016 at 10:28 pm

    I had a date last night. It was a second date. I was pretty ambivalent about it and truth be told was seeing him more as a friend. Anyway, we ended up having dinner and I ordered two glasses of wine, one right after the other. I guess it was because I was a bit anxious about being with him. The conversation felt awkward and I just knew I wasn’t really interested in him as more than a friend. But he started telling me some really funny stories about when he used be a bus driver many years ago. He really made me laugh. He’s very unpretentious and has no malice in him whatsoever. Its kind of endearing. But I’m still not interested and really only want to be friends. I really want someone that has more going on his life, like a lot more. But we come from the same state and he knows some of the same places where I used to hang out when I was growing up. Its nice.

    Anyway when the check came, he grabbed it and I offered to help him out with it. I do that sometimes when I just want to be friends with the guy. Then he said he’d pay as long as I would go out with him again. Oy. It was kinda endearing (again) but also really awkward. I kinda laughed it off.

    On another note, when I was in yoga class today, I looked over and the guy next to me had an erection! OMG I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to laugh but luckily was able to hold it in. Has anyone experienced someone having an erection in a yoga class before??? Talk about awkward!!! LOL



  144.  #144IamHis on March 3, 2016 at 11:20 pm

    You couldn’t just tell me you were mad at me for talking to M about it.

    My kindness stemmed directly from my faith in you, my patience with you.

    You never even acknowledged her death.

    I did let you see some of my anger on s4, and you did nothing.

    You literally left me with no way of safely expressing the rage I was having so much trouble accessing.

    You made no attempt to understand how it hurt me, and I know that you know that it did hurt me, because you always knew how I was feeling.

    I don’t know why I felt OK in October. Maybe it was the distance between seeing you, or E’s sudden passing.

    I still had that twinge of fear and mistrust. It was the first time I had seen you where I didn’t feel shaky or scared or sad or angry.

    you barely tried.

    You were the one person who made me feel safe there, but after what you did, I didn’t feel safe there anymore.

    I didn’t feel safe with you.

    M wanted to make sure me & him were ok.

    Maybe I was more trustworthy to him, because it was so much easier for me to get angry at him. He approached me to make things right.

    I know I at least let you see some of my hurt and anger, and you made no attempt to make it right. You watched me, perhaps even felt my anger and confusion and remaining need for your help.

    It felt like you were punishing me for speaking up to others about it.



  145.  #145Waterfall on March 4, 2016 at 1:25 am

    Hey Lovergirl,

    ‘Anyway, he finally showed up and came over and said hi to me.’

    It sounds to me that you were feeling very ignored by this man, and I don’t blame you really. I’m sure if I was in that situation I would feel that way too.

    ‘I admit it caused me some anxiety that it was a female friend, because it seemed like something you would do on a date.’

    Yes, I agree and I can understand that you would feel baffled by this behaviour. I am curious – did he offer any sort of explanation as to what their relationship was? How does he know this woman?

    If you find these things out it might put your mind at rest.

    ‘I admit it caused me some anxiety that it was a female friend, because it seemed like something you would do on a date.’

    Hmm, I have to admit I would be super bothered and confused by this too, if I thought I was dating a guy and he turned up with another girl and their relationship was ambiguous.

    It does sound though like they are just friends and you also go on to say how much he tried to get your attention as he was leaving.

    How do you feel about this chap? Does he do other things to make you happy that you can feel comfortable with him?



  146.  #146Waterfall on March 4, 2016 at 2:07 am

    Kim – Congratulations on your engagement!
    Your wedding venue sounds absolutely idyllic, I am so happy for you. 🙂



  147.  #147Waterfall on March 4, 2016 at 2:43 am

    Hey Azure,

    ‘I’m feeling confused…’

    Maybe you could start there. I know if it were me I would want to be with someone where I could feel safe to be myself.

    ‘The argument was over a religious belief he holds
    something he brings up on a regular basis…
    “Taking the lord’s name in vain” He goes on about
    how horrible it is that people do this!!!’

    This triggers me somewhat because in my last relationship, with D, I felt like this to about various issues. We had very different political views and we both felt we were right. Actually, we clashed about quite a few things when I think about it!

    But, I think, like Dominique says, it’s about whether you can accept this person for who they are. It seems that you have clashed with Spirit quite a bit over religious ideals and beliefs. Can you accept Spirit for who he is?

    ‘Anyway… he did try and stop the argument – and I couldn’t stop…
    I was upset or excited… it was best I left..’

    You probably did the right thing here as you needed to compose yourself. Maybe the next time a situation like this comes up you could use it as a good moment to practise your feeling messages.

    ‘Hey Spirit, I love our time together. I love expressing myself around you and just being me. I don’t want to feel judged.”

    I dunno, I’m not great at feeling messages yet so ya may wanna tweak that! :-0



  148.  #148Kath on March 4, 2016 at 5:09 am

    Hey Ladies,

    Just caught up with you all- you are all amazing wonderful Sirens!

    # 9 Waterfall and #83 Azure Blu
    Thank you ladies- yes- it has been a concern for me his addiction- and yes we have become exclusive. But things have been amazing and I have been very true to me and stated my truth every step of the way. He has been very open and honest and sent me daily texts saying he misses me and that I’m beautiful and all the things a woman and me!- wants to hear. I feel so wonderfully free with him!- I feel as though I have been loved by him for years and yet it is all so fresh and new. We have seriously only been exclusive for 3wks!!!- but already he has said we should have “the talk” and has mentioned us moving in together!- I have held back though- its far too soon-surely!- but at the same time feels very natural- trying to keep my feet on the ground- and enjoying every minute of this!- We do have a lot in common and I see his face now and he looks less stressed, and there’s a light in his face that wasn’t there when we first met. He says he knows that I love him and he never wants to hurt me- I know I like him a lot- not sure I would call it love right now though!- This feels good though!!



  149.  #149Azure Blu on March 4, 2016 at 5:56 am

    Beloved #138
    Ahhh… thank you, thank you for your warm Siren melody focused on ME!! :-))

    I do see what you are saying… loving my confusion and letting go of my need to figure *IT* out!!

    For me, my past reaction is to shove my feelings and reactions under the proverbial rug and
    put a smile on my face
    and ignore, lovely, adorable, innocent hearted *ME*

    Now I know, my peace, my happiness, lies in going deeper (as Rori says)
    Sooo, for the past 2 days I have been focusing on ME…
    Sooo much different this time (having a major disagreement with Spirit)
    I’m NOT crying, or ringing my hands about WHAT have *I* done wrong… etc…
    I am warmly and quietly looking inside and wanting to resolve this within myself…
    because I dont like how *I* feel…when I let this issue cause me to get agitated (both my mother and Spirit believe this)

    Sooo i visited Katie Byron’s youtube videos
    and found more clarity…
    and I can see it is ME judging ME
    for actions I have taken in the past
    (which I actually thought I had forgiven myself for)
    I want to do “the work” and talk to one of the counselors she so generously offers…
    it was soooo wonderful to even get a small
    glimpse into why i react SO strongly to this conversation everytime…



  150.  #150Azure Blu on March 4, 2016 at 6:08 am

    Waterfall #147
    Thank you, Thank you…. for shinning your bright Siren light my way
    and helping to unravel the complexity of *ME*
    i feel your care and love…

    You are right… I do wonder if I can actually, for really
    Accept Spirit and appreciate him for EXACTLY who HE is!!!
    otherwise i need to get OUT!!!
    BEcause he is PERFECT just the way he is!!

    As *I* am PERFECT just the way I am!

    Alll my past that I have such a difficult time
    forgiving myself for…
    that is ALLLL the wonderful part of ME and
    has made me who I am today…
    I say that but still feel a sickness
    down deep inside
    that can’t really believe I AM wonderful!!
    Sirens… I am seeing that I judging myself as a
    Disgusting,
    slimy, ugly Monster…
    (after doing a little bit of “the work”)

    It will be frightening… another layer to peel away,
    but I want to find out more
    and try and love and forgive
    ME (I guess it is a lifelong journey)

    Because I cannot Love someone else fully
    UNTIL I LOVE ME FULLY!!!
    oxoxo



  151.  #151Waterfall on March 4, 2016 at 6:33 am

    Hi Azure,

    ‘You are right… I do wonder if I can actually, for really
    Accept Spirit and appreciate him for EXACTLY who HE is!!!’

    Ahh, sweet siren I feel you there! Can you sink into your feelings on this one..

    Have you ever thought though it could be this trigger in your relationship that keeps it so passionate? It’s scary, but maybe the drama of it is part of the attraction.

    ‘I say that but still feel a sickness
    down deep inside
    that can’t really believe I AM wonderful!!’

    Ahhh. I hear your pain! Stay strong sister siren and don’t leet the nasty voices take over here.

    Maybe it is the easy default option for you?

    Breath slowly, and calm your inner voice.
    I feel your pain – I know it’s difficult.

    ((((Azure)))))



  152.  #152Aurora on March 4, 2016 at 6:35 am

    Feminine Woman, Azure Blue, Indigo

    Thank you for your thoughts…..always on point….echoes of the whispers of wisdom…..I can feel my bones stretch sometimes when I have to push my shell wider open still and feel more of what Life edges me towards….

    My bf and I had some space and then regrouped again last night….to see if we can agree to a WE that’s going to cope with whats on his plate….meaning he has to put more energy into his life challenges right now and I lean back, give him space or to see if I have to just let go altogether….in the Spirit of Love I do believe we agreed to the first one……he will tend to his corner and I will carry on with what I have to do and remain supportive in spirit, adjust expectations…..and not wait around for him. It was humbling to just be genuine, and sink into the unknown together, without blame.

    He is a man worth supporting in this way.
    (leaning back and giving time)

    I am a woman worth self love and the love of another (carrying on with what I need to do too).

    sigh……

    I booked a trip to a warm place in a week, with my daughter and her friend…..he is going to join us for some of the days…..I am soooo looking forward to the break and the sun….

    xo
    Aurora



  153.  #153Aurora on March 4, 2016 at 6:36 am

    I want to read more of what you have all posted here….catching up……
    sending…..positive, warm vibes…..xoxo



  154.  #154Azure Blu on March 4, 2016 at 6:37 am

    Sirens,
    As I leaned back yesterday… and worked on LOVING ME
    and unraveling the wonderful complexities
    of ME

    Spirit text me and asked if i still wanted to go downtown with him and his couple friends?
    it was midnight and i was on my way to bed soo i didn’t answer
    He called me around 1am (was in bed) I answered the phone

    He was at his hangout with his buddies
    Spirit said his best buddy told him
    One of the reasons Spirit loves me is BECAUSE
    I am a passionate person…
    and there are two sides to that passion…
    it’s OK if we have a passionate discussion
    once in awhile… He shouldn’t want to change ME

    Spirit said “I love you AZURE BLU!!!” I LOVE you
    I LOVE YOUR passion…”
    What do you think?”
    I said:” ohhh… Spirit you are sooo romantic,
    trying to figure out US and our relationship!!
    Calling me and sharing your love and feelings!!”
    you are Wonderful Spirit!!”
    “And YES… I do want to go downtown with you and your friends Friday night!!”

    He continues to step up, Sirens…
    It FEEELS VERY GOOD>>>



  155.  #155Azure Blu on March 4, 2016 at 6:49 am

    Waterfall…
    Mmmmmm… thank you again for your warm caring words!!
    oxoxo
    hugggsss!!

    Isn’t that interesting that Spirits friend said the same thing about the Passion in our relationship…

    It is a VERY familiar zone for me to find myself…
    I was raised with an Evangelically religious mother

    What a wonderful (well, I feel sick in the pit of my stomach) place to be
    to lead me to working on *ME* loving ME -MORE-
    and letting go of the STRONG triggers of self judgement
    I didn’t realize I still had!!
    As Dominique says… “love leads us to heal the deepest wounds we NEVER knew we had.”
    or try to avoid!!

    Thank you god, mother universe, for taking
    exquisite care of your beloved child, Azure Blu!!!



  156.  #156Azure Blu on March 4, 2016 at 6:57 am

    ((((Aurora)))) #152
    Ahhh… reading this I felt a soft, warm, spring, breeze
    of wonderful changes…

    You taking EXQUISITE care of YOU…
    Him responding to your request for a
    discussion about what your relationship
    is and can be…
    Love this///
    “He is a man worth supporting in this way.
    (leaning back and giving time)

    I am a woman worth self love and the love of another (carrying on with what I need to do too).”

    So open hearted… soft on the outside
    Strong on the inside!!
    A Goddess, signing her Siren melody!!
    Thank you for sharing…



  157.  #157Aurora on March 4, 2016 at 7:47 am

    Azure Blue
    thank you….it’s taken years to get here and I don’t want to slip too far

    I appreciate your sharing too here….

    So glad you are also letting in a man who wants to receive your passion, even at 1AM!

    xo
    Aurora



  158.  #158Aurora on March 4, 2016 at 7:51 am

    Liquidlight 143

    “Talk about awkward!!! LOL”

    you know….there are times when I’m glad I’m a woman…….

    but I wonder if there’s a reason more men don’t do yoga….it is a sensual activity a lot of the time…..

    🙂



  159.  #159Azure Blu on March 4, 2016 at 8:51 am

    Lovergirl #142
    goodness… Radio sure does have lots of friends…
    To me it sounds like he has a VERY compassionate heart also…

    He probably thinks of her as a friend, someone he wants to help (maybe he comes from a poor childhood, and feels compelled to help others in need)
    But she might very easily think of him as MORE than a friend!!
    Maybe He brought her with him so she knows
    You are his GF – so she understands there is NO possibility of her being that to him!!



  160.  #160Azure Blu on March 4, 2016 at 8:54 am

    Liquid Light #143
    :0))
    Wow… i don’t think i’ve ever seeeen a strangers erection in public…
    That would make me want to Laugh out loud!!
    funny!



  161.  #161Amy on March 4, 2016 at 9:39 am

    Dear girls

    I would like to ask you for your opinion on my (rather complex) love life situation that is confusing me a lot.

    A year ago I started to talk online to a man from India and it started very gradually, I would rather say he was pursuing me more than I did. After a while, however, I realized I started to look forward to our conversations. The Skype calls were however very brief due to bad internet connection so we did not get to know each other THAT well. After 6 months of on and off online communication we finally arranged our meeting in Europe and only on board of the airplane I started to realize how little we knew each other and that I never even asked him some important questions such as – about his marital status.

    And yes, unfortunately, at the first meeting I revealed he has a 7 year old daughter and is still married but getting a divorce with his ex soon. He had lived separately from them (in a different country) for 2 years and would only visit them to see his daughter and moved back to their house recently to take care of the legal procedures for the divorce. As a reason for their broken marriage he claimed that they just grew apart as a man and a woman (he never talks badly about her). Moreover, she put on a lot of weight and never made effort to get back in shape so he lost attraction for her and their relationship as a couple basically died. She wanted the divorce a long time ago but he asked her to wait till their daughter is older

    Even though I realize I was definitely not a homewrecker I still did not want to continue this relationship and after this 3 days meeting I decided not to initiate contact – hm – easier said than done cause there was this instant connection, attraction and he claimed he felt very comfortably with me due to my talkative nature so he started to contact me again saying sweet words like “I can´t wait to see you again” etc. etc. so I just could not resist him and started to live in denial and accepted a second invitation to accompany him on his business trip that took place 3 weeks after our first meeting. But each remark reminding me of the fact that he is still married is very painful for me so we had a few conflicts already because of that and each time he was trying to assure me that I have really nothing to worry about, that he is getting the divorce no matter what. Then he invited me to India and I met a several of his friends, people he works with and basically he really treated me as his official girlfriend there and even told me his ex kind of knows he is dating again.

    He even asked me if I can see it going anywhere and if I do not envision a serious relationship with him, it´s better for him to know early on to prevent a future heartbreak for both of us. He asked me how I like his country and if I could imagine living there with him. I said it is out of question to cosider that until his divorce is over, which he understood and just said – I know, but we are filing for divorce anyway. On the other hand there are a lot of things that cause me worry. Although they legally separated already (before my trip to India) and his ex. and daughter moved to a different house, he moved in the same house as them only to a different floor explaning to me that this is just for 1 year so that his daughter doesn´t feel abandoned while the divorce is taking place. But I learned this info from him only after my arrival – never mentioned it to me before. It is typical of him to tell me surprises like that 🙁

    Another thing I am not so happy about is our communication style – in between our meetings we do not communicate on daily basis (even if we made a very clear to each other we are exclusive) so sometimes I get very lonely cause I am not supposed to chat with other men (unless they are friends) but at the same time he sometimes goes silent for a few days and then I get just a mail from him with some pictures saying – “hi, sending some new pictures, we have a nice weather here.”

    How do I handle the whole situation? How should I ask him if he ever wants to get married again (I am 32, never married before, no kids, he is 43)? He mentioned he wants me to live with him but in my opinion this is a very bad idea (especially in India, which is a more conservative country where cohabitation is still considered a bit inappropriate and also I might have a problem obtaining visa) but at the same time I am afraid my question about more commitment might come accross as if I want to marry him for his money (he is rich) when I bring this topic too early and is very inappropriate while he is still getting divorced, yet at the same time I do not want to put my own life on hold in case he wants just a live-in relationship (he once uttered that marriage is overrated and that the most important aspect is the relationship itself, yet the other time he also said that if he introduced me to his parents they would probably like me and start asking him questions about when he is going to settle down again (meaning marriage of course since they are traditional Indians).

    Now, here I am talking about a very far away future cause I would like to get to know him first (at least another year or 2 before taking such decision), meet his daughter and family etc. etc.
    All of this is hard to achieve cause our meetings take place only every 2-3 months for a few days (and on various continents :-D) and in between the meetings we never spend hours on Skype (rather approx. 5-10 mins, 2x a week) which in my opinion is too little to maintain a relationship, yet I do not know how to ask for more.
    On top of that – at the moment I am superconfused cause these talks took place only 1 week ago, then he promised to come in my hometown in 2 months and yet – after I came back home, our online correspondence went back to bare minimum and when he does text back it´s sweet (telling me hiw beautiful I am) but also very short and it is suddenly always me who initiated all those contacts. I tried not to for last 3 days and he did not text at all.
    Weird. I do not know what to think – he wants future with me, spended already a looot of money on me and my flight tickets, made it very clear he does not date other women and that I am special and expects me to not date other men, and yet he seems to be suddenly busy.

    Girls, what do you think? What would you do in my case? How should I communicate all these needs that I have without being pushy?

    Thank you so much for your support

    Amy



  162.  #162Liquid Light on March 4, 2016 at 10:35 am

    Azure, I know I’d never seen that either in public, and he was right next to me….in a yoga class. what a trip. There was a girl there, I think like 16 years old, very beautiful doing splits in front of the class very brazenly. I think that might have had something to do it with it. LOL

    I’m so glad that you are doing the work on this issue with Spirit. Its really good for these kinds of triggers that just won’t let us go. I’ve been doing it on my ex. Its funny because I think I’m totally over him then, boom, my yearning for him comes back with a vengeance. Often its in tandem with when I’ve just gone out on another ho-hum date. Anyway, I keep doing the work over and over again on it even when I don’t think it will help. But I’ve found that it always does help. It breaks something open and frees me up. Its amazing. I guess what I’m saying is that it may not be a one shot deal ( but it might be) and you may need to keep revisiting the worksheets and doing the work on this issue. Or flavors of the issue. Its very interesting how the work unfolds if we allow it.

    Good luck! Let me know how it goes (if you want).

    Big hugs girl!



  163.  #163Starla on March 4, 2016 at 12:21 pm

    Day 6 of quitting. Overall much less crazy. Still having little fits. Very on edge at times and can’t relax. Using food to cope is sounding better and better. I do find myself handing my tension over to my boyfriend when perhaps I shouldn’t be.

    Okay, breeeeathe, drink water, move slow. Everything is good. This moment is mine. And this moment. And this one…



  164.  #164Millie on March 4, 2016 at 12:46 pm

    Ladies M just text asking when I am going to go hang out with him. (He lives in a different state) i don’t know what to say. My first thought is “what is wrong with this guy?” No, I don’t want to visit someone who has no interest in dating me. No, I don’t want to visit someone who is only looking to hook up. No, I don’t want to go the distance for you. I’m feeling a little angry…
    Azure what would you say if this was spirit?



  165.  #165Azure Blu on March 4, 2016 at 12:55 pm

    Liquid Light…
    Thank you for letting me know that this trigger,
    is most likely, an ongoing letting go…
    a continual peeling of the layers…
    gaining a deeper understanding
    of ME, healing and
    gaining a deeper love for ME.

    just the insight
    that it is *ME* judging ME,
    causes this deep anxiety
    whenever Spirit brings up
    subjects about his religious beliefs..
    I would always interpret it as
    Spirit judging…
    Such a relief!



  166.  #166Azure Blu on March 4, 2016 at 12:58 pm

    Liquid Light..
    I believe it was YOU how
    pointed me in the direction of watching Byron Katie and her youtube videos… Thank you!!!!

    The more I watch, the more I understand
    what “the work” is and the healing it brings… and how much it resonates for me
    and my journey
    to happiness!!!



  167.  #167Azure Blu on March 4, 2016 at 1:09 pm

    Millie,
    actually, for the first 8 months, Spirit would text me, once a month or so, to meet him at a bar he hung out in… If I could i’d meet him there…
    He ALWAYS wanted to make out in the car… and then come over to my house for s*x.
    I usually wanted some hugs and kisses
    and I would always tell him…
    “Of course I would love to have wild, yummie s*x with you BUT, I’m looking for a rest of my life, loving relationship! so FIRST, i would need to be asked out on a date!”
    When I got tired of making out… I’d tell him I had to go and
    I NEVER contacted him, he always text me. Finally by the 8 month (I had a couple of exclusive relationships in between)
    He said… I’d better ask you out now, before someone else takes you away!!”
    And that’s how it started…
    :-))



  168.  #168Starla on March 4, 2016 at 1:12 pm

    Millie you could just not reply.



  169.  #169Azure Blu on March 4, 2016 at 1:15 pm

    Millie,
    If however… he lived in another state… I wouldn’t give him the time of day!
    If Spirit was offering me what M is offering you…
    I’d tell him NOT to contact me again…

    Course… YOU have to be ready to stand by that!

    I’d totally ignore HIM… if ALL he EVER talked about
    was S*x it would feel VERY icky to me!!

    Spirit was always, fun, kind and easy to talk to…
    and also very flirtatious!
    AND he lived in my town!!

    Remember Millie… you did ask me what I would do…
    This is how I would handle it..
    oxoxo



  170.  #170Azure Blu on March 4, 2016 at 1:19 pm

    Millie.
    Your first reaction
    “What is wrong with this guy!”
    is EXACTLY what I would think…
    I would, ignore, ignore
    and LEAVE him OUT of your life!!



  171.  #171Azure Blu on March 4, 2016 at 1:21 pm

    ((((STARLA)))
    Confetti, Champaign, firepopers and
    trophy…
    For the 6th day!!!
    Good job!!



  172.  #172Liquid Light on March 4, 2016 at 3:18 pm

    Yeah, Azure, The Work is miraculous and mind blowing! And you are welcome. Though I think it was Zara that introduced me to the Work here….so thanks again Zara!

    Just today I was doing a worksheet on my anger (yes I have A LOT of work to do… getting angry at something like this LOL) at a new CD because he didn’t make a reservation at the restaurant we are going to tonight. I kept dropping hints that the restaurant gets very crowded and still no reservation.

    But then when I started filling out the worksheet about being upset about it, he texted me and said he had just made a reservation. Hahaha!!! With The Work the joke is always on me!! 😀



  173.  #173Mandy on March 4, 2016 at 3:43 pm

    Just checking in,

    Good job Starla, keep going!

    So, now that I am not laser-focused on someone, my life is more balanced and I’m less stressed, sleeping well, and staying somewhat…well, incredibly…busy, naturally.

    Now um, Not being laser focused – I am also experiencing a little distress, meaning a red flag popping up, or an alert inside me…so I’m checking in with the Sirens…

    I sense a dangerous attraction to one of my CDs, DancingWolf, I call him that for a reason, he’s a very primal and sexual person.

    I’m feeling/displaying all the classic signs, I think he’s really hot (rolling my eyes as I type this), have lots of sexual feelings towards him, he presents himself as a man who is there for females to help, but yet he is aloof, one of those hard-to-get sorts who hangs back because he knows that it’s a position of control over his own situation, where he doesn’t have to worry about being rejected.

    Some odd stuff going on there. Yet I feel this really strong attraction not just physically but emotionally. I think to myself, uh oh. That can’t be good. Every last time that’s happened, it’s been somewhat who’s incredibly quirky, bad-boy type guy who always has type of mental issue, needs help or fixing, and who prefers to keep power in their corner by being aloof or hard to reach.
    He also presents some interesting characteristics let’s say, a big fan of strip clubs, webcam models, and play parties…

    Not that I am opposed to strip clubs, just unsure what the word to describe a man like him would be. It kills me that I feel a connection with him in spite of all that stuff, I’m not against it, it’s just, would I have issues with him looking at all these gorgeous women all the time….probably if I was really close to him and living with him. Circular dating with him in rotation? Not so much. I might even join him at the strip club? I mean is that gross of me, lol?

    Anyway, He said come over (he has a broken hip, and is not exactly all that mobile at the moment, lol) and we could hang out and talk and I could watch one of my favorite shows while he does his thing on his computer (game – one I actually used to play and love.)
    We’ve had a hang-out date like this twice and when I’m there and he’s looking at me, he looks me right in the eye, and when he’s paying affectionate attention to me, he smiles, with his eyes really soft, and I sense myself feeling curious as to why he’s looking at me like that.

    Heck he will even stand up when talking and use body language. He’ll speak for a good five to ten minutes on end to me, and open up and come towards me, yet he describes himself as quiet and reserved. And when he speaks to me, he’s direct, and you can tell he’s not saying anything to gain anything. He’s saying it because it’s true. That was surprising when he did that, just opened way up.

    My point is this. I feel lit up and vulnerable and wowed and turned on with this man smiles at me and opens up towards me, despite his quirks and aloofness when he’s doing his own thing. That and he insisted on seeing me since New Year’s. When he chooses to put his energy towards me it’s so warm I feel like a cat in a sunbeam rolling from side to side with glee.

    So what I’m saying is….uhhh, I’m sensing perhaps to be careful with that one. He’s a warm man who’s company I enjoy and makes me feel good but I can’t really let it go further than that.
    Weird thing is, I don’t even like guys with facial hair and he has it, and I don’t care, lol. Classic wrong reasons to fall into a thing with a guy. Sexual, Physical, nurturing because a guy hurt me, and he’s possibly emotionally indulging in playing save-a-damsel-in-distress, since that’s sort of what he enjoys. I’m not saying it’s bad, and I’m not complaining, but I’m not saying it’s good either. It’s not….a reason to…see him as a potential mate.

    Does that make sense, am I on the right track?

    My body sometimes won’t leave me alone though. Fantasies abound of this man. It’s addictive. He has a lot of interesting piercings and beautiful tattoos, ones i actually like (I don’t usually like tattoos because I’m an artist and usually they look bad.)

    I have this other CD TallNDark, and oh boy he’s pressuring me to not use a condom. He said he wouldn’t give me oral sex unless I have sex with him without a condom. That text made me so mad when I was in the store I forgot what I had come tot he store for. I’m supposed to see him tomorrow and ya, there’s some anger there. He’s being controlling. He tells me I need to tell him if I have other partners, and so I told him I have one other female one, and he said wow, you have such an appetite, and I’m thinking disrespect disrespect disrespect…he really pissed me off.

    At least DancingWolf has manners and respect for women. TallNDark, I don’t know.

    Yikes.



  174.  #174Millie on March 4, 2016 at 5:19 pm

    I just said that I am not interested in being a Booty call, which I think made him made because he replied saying that he had said hang out and wanted to show me his town and called me a name. I was appalled and definitely shared my anger at that and said that up to now all he’s said is that he wanted s*x without strings, so what am I to think? He’s name calling ME for listening to him?? I told him that if something has changed he needs to communicate that. Then he says the name calling was a joke… I think he was being a bully, because of whatever is going on with HIM.

    It feels really good to feel like IM RIGHT and I know what I’m doing and am not afraid to stand up anymore. I realize now that for so long I thought I was in the wrong and men were right to say what they did and I should somehow acquiesce… Deep down… But now no more. No more bending. I feel strong in who I am and what I want and that’s that.



  175.  #175Millie on March 4, 2016 at 7:19 pm

    As far as him living in another state, I feel like my priority is how I’m treated first. If he did present himself as a forever man with good intentions I would feel open to going. I would feel happy to let him show me around and flaunt his feathers, show me his home and his life there that he’s created. He is very successful there, but how he treats me comes first before all of that is even a possibility.



  176.  #176Millie on March 4, 2016 at 7:42 pm

    Ladies I feel proud of myself!! After my last post I thought why don’t I just tell him that! And so I did– and he asked what I wanted, and I said I want to feel desired beyond just sexually and get to know each other again as friends first and then see how feel! He said we’ll see what happens, and we will! I just feel good having unzipped my heart and stated what I want regardless of his response. Yay I feel strong and powerful!



  177.  #177Millie on March 4, 2016 at 7:45 pm

    Also even though he lives in another state it is very close and is s few hours away. Not enough to keep a forever man away in my opinion, not that I’m saying he is that by any means… But it’s not acros the country.



  178.  #178Millie on March 4, 2016 at 8:05 pm

    Mandy– I’ve had several guys pressure me not to use condoms, before we had an exclusivity talk…or even after a few dates! I immediately feel ick when a guy insists on that. I think here it’s a good opportunity to practice your boundaries and know what it is you feel comfortable with. I just wonder if a man so easily wants that with me, how many other women is he sleeping with unprotected? And that puts me in danger. I know it feels better for the man, but my feelings of safety are a priority to me. How do you feel like proceeding here?



  179.  #179Indigo on March 5, 2016 at 12:31 am

    Millie,

    I just wanted to say, YAY you!!!

    How you have grown and healed. It is so wonderful.



  180.  #180Indigo on March 5, 2016 at 12:37 am

    Mandy,

    I think your instincts are very good here.

    See, I have found in my own life that it is of the utmost importance to be clear on what you want, so that you can be clear going into situations if it will meet up with that. You of course can do anything that feels good and right to you, but just check your expectations… they get us into trouble…



  181.  #181Zara on March 5, 2016 at 5:42 am


  182.  #182Starla on March 5, 2016 at 6:57 am

    Mandy, i know I’ve asked you this before but what is your ultimate vision for your life and your love life? Once you know what that is, you can gauge all your choices and confusion against that. The catch though is you have to be honest with yourself about what’s in front of you and what the man is offering. No rationalizing your way into “this time it could be different with this guy.”



  183.  #183Lovergirl on March 5, 2016 at 7:36 am

    Azure, Waterfall, thank you. Unfortunately, all my fears were confirmed. He was on a date. I asked him about ot and he pussyfooted around it without giving me a direct answer. Then I looked at his facebook and saw she had tagged him the other day when he took her out to the cheesecake factory for lunch.

    So I emailed her on Facebook. I said I was the girl she met when she was with RadioCD and that it felt a little awkward and were they on a date? She said yes and that he took her out to lunch wed and to the movies sun and was pursuing her for a relationship. I had slept with him on Thursday and Saturday and spent the night at his house the following Monday (we cuddled but no sex, he wanted to but we overslept and i was in a hurry to leave).

    Big fight ensued, she asked me to ask him if he was wanting to date her and he refused to answer for a long time. Then she tells me he asked her to be his girlfriend and he hadn’t done that before. He texts me that he has wanted her all along.

    It was a totally humiliating, awful experience and I feel so abandoned and slighted. He kept trying to say he wants to be my friend and that he cares about me but I blocked him on Facebook and am done.

    I was not up to par at work and my boss asked what was wrong and if it was RadioCD. I finally told him and my co-worker that had been there when he showed up with the other woman. They were like you can do ten times better than him anyway, etc trying to make me feel better.

    Then some other guys that were working this event (from out of town companies) got wind of it and it was the talk of the day but not in a bad way. People were nice and several men there had been hitting on me anyway.

    So these guys asked me out with a guy and another guy and his girlfriend for dinner. I had turned them down the night before but I agreed. It was fun and helped keep my mind off of RadioAsshole. I paid for myself because I didn’t want the guy to think it was anything though.

    THEN my phone died and we were in the heart of the city and I was a little afraid I wouldn’t be able to find my way home. I just started driving and looking for someplace familiar and trying to find my way back to the highway (it was like 11 pm). I ended up in the shopping district and got out to ask directions at a gas station.

    When I walked out the door, who was walking in but this guy that I haven’t slept with since right after I ended things with S!! Not because he hadnt tried, i just never wanted to meet up.

    Dont get me wrong, the guy is some of the best sex of my life, but he is married (serial cheater) and constantly asking to meet up and usually at bad times for me. So he had finally stopped calling. Anyway, he starts telling me how he wants to see me again and how good I look.I was on my period but it was good for the ego anyway.



  184.  #184Linda on March 5, 2016 at 8:01 am

    Azure. I would like to thank you for what you shared in post 55. HE CAN NEVER be close to you…
    It would SCARE him to death…

    I feel affirmed and “got” and a light bulb clicked on in a dark room for me. I have really been feeling concerned about myself fearful that I am emotionally disabled and unable to truly open that emotional part of my life anymore. No matter what the approach, I couldn’t connect with P in a way that I need or want.

    I realize that I kept entertaining the thoughts of possibly something would work out because he would say and still does say he loves me and always will. This is something that I feel is very “valuable and uncommon”… The thin is I just never really felt loved. Even when I just melted and opened up to what he brought and gave the feeling of settled wellness was elusive.

    I have struggled with the statement of “Love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed” I have on so many occasions tried to figure out what needs healed in me so I can get out of the way of my own happiness. Honestly though I could not figure out what it is that needs mending inside. Perhaps it is me bringing up something in HIM that needs to be healed. It is just that I don’t feel responsible to see to it. No more project men. One time he said he wanted to be a better person and was asking me what my opinion was about him etc…. I told him there were plenty of “life coaches” or “counselors” to ask. I had no desire to go there and wouldn’t.

    So thank you dear Azure for saying just what my heart was in need of hearing to consider.



  185.  #185Linda on March 5, 2016 at 8:11 am

    (Lovergirl)

    That would feel like a kick in the gut..instant throw up moment for me. Stories like that strengthens my internal distrust vein. sigh



  186.  #186Lovergirl on March 5, 2016 at 8:27 am

    Thank you Linda. I feel like this always happens to me. Its like the same old story over and over. Just when I start to feel closer to a guy and safer and better about things, I get this shocking, horrible, painful, humiliating slap in the face that there is some other woman I didn’t know about that he is falling in love with. I don’t know what is wrong with me. No one ever picks me. Nine times out of ten the woman is significantly less physically attractive too.

    Then, sometime down the road they try to get back with me, but its always too late. No one ever values me until im long gone out of their life.



  187.  #187Starla on March 5, 2016 at 9:56 am

    Lovergirl, wow, im mad for you!!



  188.  #188Azure Blu on March 5, 2016 at 11:01 am

    (((Lovergirl)))
    I cant believe it!!!
    What a JERK, What the H*ll was he thinking
    with that whole sinario with him and you and his date…
    WHAT A JERK!!!

    Darling, You can certainly find a man that is right for you!!! AND WORLDS better than him!!!
    Loveing thoughts and huggss!!



  189.  #189Azure Blu on March 5, 2016 at 11:02 am

    Millie,
    You sound AMAZING!!
    Your vibe is VERY grounded and self loving
    I am loving how you’re handling everything!!
    Go YOU!!



  190.  #190Indigo on March 5, 2016 at 1:41 pm

    Starla 181,

    Brilliant way of putting it. That’s what I was also saying.



  191.  #191Lovergirl on March 5, 2016 at 1:53 pm

    Thanks Starla and Azure. I can’t for the life of me figure out what he was thinking either. He KNEW I was going to be there. It’s all weekend long and he asked what hours I was working. I’m just sick over it. I feel so disrespected and just gutted.



  192.  #192Millie on March 5, 2016 at 6:54 pm

    Thank you AZure and Indigo!!! I feel like I have healed a lot too!! No more energy spent pining over guys. I feel like I “get it” now!

    Last night I met up with a guy I take dance class with sometimes. It was my idea to meet and I approached it as a friend because that’s how I feel, but the night did feel like a date. He bought drinks and offered me his coat when I was cold. Asked me a lot about me and my relationship history. He said he wanted to take me to one of his favorite bars next time. I didn’t hear from him today and instead of thinking I blew it like I would have before, I feel relaxed and happy about the night. I love the idea of being friends first and seeing where he takes this. Overall he’s definitely a nice guy and someone healthy for me to be around because I feel open to receiving from him but don’t feel that that crazy physical attraction that often leads to following impulses rather than real feelings. Yay!!!

    Things with my guy friend have been amazing too! He called the other night to share a struggle he was having and this weekend we have just been happy and laughing and flirting. All in all very good, but I notice my feelings of wanting to be physical with him… But I’m guessing he doesn’t feel that way towards me. It’s not the time I suppose but we are in a good place in the present!



  193.  #193Femininewoman on March 5, 2016 at 7:27 pm

    Millie I feel compelled to say Yayy you:)

    How your self esteem must have soared.



  194.  #194Femininewoman on March 5, 2016 at 7:29 pm

    Azure was he a jerk? I find it amazing how men show us very early on who they are. We nevertheless agree to engage with them. Then turn around and call them jerks.



  195.  #195Tereana on March 5, 2016 at 8:07 pm

    I love this post from Rori. I especially love the part about “finding yourself” in the communication. I want to get more into practicing sensing that level below thought, judgment, assessment, and – what was it? Action? Let’s say action.

    Today I “took action.” Not sure if it was the “right” action. But, well, it felt right. It felt life what I needed to do. I was tired of waiting. I was feeling bored. So I told him. I told him if he wasn’t excited about getting in touch with me, then I wasn’t feeling excited. I don’t know if I included enough “good things” in the message. That is, compliments to him. But I did ask for his input, what he would like to do. Maybe what he likes and wants just isn’t compatible with me right now. Maybe we are such different people that it would never work, and it isn’t worth going through even something “not serious”, just to find out what I already know.

    Or maybe he will get back to me. Maybe I will go do my thing, go to my friend’s wedding. And maybe at some point, he will call me up, or text me. Maybe his mind is on me all the time, I just can’t feel it.

    Anyway, I sent him this long message. All kinds of stuff I had bottled up, but couldn’t day to him. I literally had a list going. I didn’t even use the list. I just said what I needed to say, which was founded in trust and in my own feelings.

    I’m tired. I am going to sleep now…



  196.  #196Lovergirl on March 5, 2016 at 8:29 pm

    193- Femininewoman- This feels condescending. Anyway, there were bumps in the road but most of the time he was sweet. I wouldn’t have expected this. I am just trying to get through the waves of grief right now. Not really sure where I went wrong. I haven’t got it figured out. It feels overwhelming to figure out how to tell a good guy from a bad one.



  197.  #197Indigo on March 5, 2016 at 11:21 pm

    Lovergirl,

    I feel so sorry for your pain… I understand it, and yet I do agree with the principle of what Feminine Woman is saying.

    I know you are feeling so much hurt right now, but please resist the temptation to go to that place of “what is wrong with me”. It is never, never about that. I know that is the comfortable, knee jerk reaction to go to in your mind, because I do it too, but really I am catching that thought more and more and standing up to it. Please don’t feel this is another one you “messed up” although again, I know how tempting it is to go there.

    Something I realised recently which has helped me a lot, and, really, set me free in a way. We live in a broken, hurting world. There is more good than bad, but there are a lot of hurting people hurting others. You were hurt as a little girl, as was I, by the people who were supposed to love, nurture and support you. You don’t have that strong, solid foundation of confidence that many women who come from happy homes have going into relationships. I’m guessing your father was either absent or very neglectful or hurtful in some other way. You most likely have unhealed places deep in you which makes you fear being left and rejected (as do I) and also causes you to automatically blame yourself. Because this is the little girl in you (I know this because it is me too). These hurt places also often call out to the hurt places in others, in men who are themselves hurt deep down for example… And also you have these unmet needs from childhood and so, like me, you don’t come into a relationship fully whole. Healing and becoming whole (or more whole, it’s a lifelong journey) enables us to avoid situations like this, because we are not still looking to our father to make things right, and we’re not still trying so hard to get these needs met in men. Your vibe then with men becomes totally different. It’s so hard to explain, and I hope you will forgive the psychology lecture, but I felt like I needed to share this with you.

    Now that I realise this about myself, I see it is not about me doing anything “wrong”, it is also not about me “messing things up”. I am learning, growing and healing all the time. I only have to look back on my life to see how far I’ve come. What if all that has happened to you is exactly what was meant to happen to bring you to a greater understanding so that things can be different? This thought feels so much better to me.

    For me, my focus now is healing those wounded places in my soul so that my unmet needs do not continue to wreak havoc in my choices with men. It is also in realising what men can do and what they cannot… I encourage you to really try to surround yourself with a supportive group of people in your life. People you can go to who will make you feel good about yourself. Men are not jerks, or knights in shining armour, they’re human… Although having said this, I am so sorry for what this guy did to you.

    It was absolutely SO not ok.



  198.  #198Millie on March 6, 2016 at 12:24 am

    Thank you Femininewoman!!

    I want to share a few other details about today… I always help my guy friend T doing chores and today he asked me to fill a water bucket. I usually do this chore, but today as I was filling it he came over and said he would carry it because it’s really heavy 🙂 I love basking in masculine energy!!! I’ve carried it so many times before but today he swooped in and did it for me, even though he asked me to do it. Such a small moment but I love love love that he did that. I said thank you, but didn’t make a big deal about it. Basking 🙂

    We went out to dinner with a couple friends and afterwards just hung out in the parking lot the two of us just talking and laughing. Oh how I wanted to kiss him. Grab his hand and stroke his arms… But I feel scared to make the first move because I don’t want to make things awkward if he doesn’t feel the same. And I’m scared if it would change our relationship in a negative way. I’m just going to keep flirting and see what he does.



  199.  #199Millie on March 6, 2016 at 12:27 am

    Oh! And the guy from last night texted me saying what a good time he had. 🙂 I love that he did that! Basking in the sun of masculine energy right now 🙂



  200.  #200Tereana on March 6, 2016 at 3:07 am

    Millie (191) – how do you know he “doesn’t want to be physical”? In my experience, this is mostly the default position for men. If they are talking to us at all, it is because on some level, in some way, they are imagining they would line to “be physical” with us. (That’s excluding some work times or where they “have to” talk to a woman. When it’s by choice, there is generally attraction).

    Maybe you are assuming this because you made the first move? I wouldn’t assume that. He seems to be enjoying it, which means he’s glad you asked him. Surprisingly, I’m finding that men like to be asked out. But, as you’ve discovered, only when it is in a casual, friendly way. And they can take the reins from there. He probably takes it as a sign you are attracted to him, which subtly it may be, if not a big attraction.

    My point is, he’s probably attracted to you 😉



  201.  #201Femininewoman on March 6, 2016 at 5:20 am

    Lovergirl how to tell a good guy from a bad one? Give yourself time to figure it out. Stop jumping into bed with them from the get go. You have all kinds of reasons why you do it and have so far refused to listen to any kind of rationale why you shouldn’t. One it clouds our vision. Two the guys are out to impress you in the early stages. Three a guy who is only out for sex will weed himself out if you let him wait. Four nobody can keep up a charade forever so the more you let wait for sex it is the more likely they will eventually show their true colors. Nothing is wrong with you. What is wrong is your strategy around connecting with these men. Seems to me somehow you are telling them that what you want is sex and of course they are giving it to you. A man who is looking for his good woman will wait if he thinks you are it.

    I am convinced guys are out there looking for that woman. Just yesterday a guy shouted at me while sitting at traffic light, He told me to pull over and took my number. What he said is “it is just the way you smiled”. Guys are out there looking because they want to find that one woman. They will sleep with you if you are willing while they continue to look for her. For crying out loud this guy showed up with another woman and practically warned you ahead of time. I read that post and heard EMK in my head saying “dump that guy”. Which is almost everytime I read something you write about guys. Guys have a specific way of bond and as Bob Grant shows, when you shortcuit this things never end right.



  202.  #202Femininewoman on March 6, 2016 at 5:34 am

    Millie as far as I am concerned your role is to flirt. You can whisper in his ear “I feel turned on like I want to kiss you” or whatever it is you feel. that to me is flirty and playful. If he is open to that I believe he will respond. You though will have to commit to yourself to honor what it is that you are looking for and don’t just jump into a casual sexual imaginary relationship.
    Be clear with yourself and then with him if the opportunity arises. Also be ready for the fact that he doesn’t want that with you because I believe he will let you know what he wants when you open up. Flirt and listen to him when he speaks.



  203.  #203Starla on March 6, 2016 at 5:59 am

    I made it through a full week of not smoking. I feel not so great today. Triggered. Trying not to get swallowed up by my triggers. Seeing plainly that everything is okay and i even asked my guy and explained like ten thousand times what my deal is, and he says everything is good and he understands where I’m coming from. So now my job is to be quiet about it and do something else with my mind.



  204.  #204Mandy on March 6, 2016 at 7:01 am

    What do I want? I want to be treated the way my dad treats my mom. He worships the ground she walks on, however I particularly find this type of behavior kind of nuts and weird in other people besides my dad, lol. I go “ew, what the hell”…..and then I wonder why I end up dating needy broken people.

    I have found myself MAKING EXCUSES for doing and fixing.

    I have got to get out of THAT mental loop.

    It’s just like why I have insomnia at night, the wheels won’t quit turning in my head.

    Ugh I received some very disturbing info from one of my best friends, about Valentine, who is her ex, that made me decide my suspicions were correct – he was lying to me the whole time, about his age, about what he’d done in the past, about his so-called roommate (baby’s mother), about how his last relationship ended, how many people he was sleeping with, about every single thing – it was all a lie. I was being used. So I am glad I delivered that script to him, because he knew I was wising up to his games. He told me I was acting weird, and I thought well yeah, it’s because I thought I can trust you and I can’t, not in the least. Someone who said the L word to me just to keep me as a piece of side bum.

    Ugh. Gross.

    I know we all make mistakes but jeez.

    The wheels in my head won’t quit turning on that one…

    UGH.

    Then one of my CDs last night sort of starting heavily flirting with my friend and I didn’t know what to make of it, although I sensed I was closing down, and tried to get out of the freeze but it was really awkward. And that friend of mine actually told me point blank I’m “needy”.

    So I’m kind of feeling all out of sorts. And kind of bad, a bit beaten up emotionally. 🙁



  205.  #205Indigo on March 6, 2016 at 7:31 am

    Feminine Woman,

    I adore what you’ve said in 200 & 201.



  206.  #206BeLoved on March 6, 2016 at 7:40 am

    I survived a struggly night of leaning-forward-itis, ha 🙂
    The more I privately riffed and diverted my attention, felt into my feelings, the more present I got with that raw feeling of fear in my belly. It felt great, actually, because I would say, whatever I was feeling was a true trigger. I felt right back at 6 years ago, with the last guy I felt all of these “in love” feelings with. I felt the same fear, some of the old tapes and images came up. I felt SO grateful for feeling stronger, more clear, and better able to handle these feelings. I DO see, that “knowing” that I was “instantly loved him” is a story, only time will tell how that goes. What is important, is honoring and opening up to the feelings. That “knowing I love him” feeling and letting it be that without trying to control it or logic myself out of it, felt like a big relief in my gut. Knots of anxiety that had been tying me up felt dissolved.

    Only this time, instead of leaning forward and throwing away my dignity, I got busy unpacking and putting my room back together. I meditated. I riffed. I coached myself. I felt through feelings of loneliness. Of course I had to listen to my own words to Azure and be present with feelings of confusion and love them. Wrapped my flip-floppy feelings in love. At some point I did cave to the anxiety and lost myself in Candy Crush for a while, and, STILL, it was not leaning forward with a man, so I’m calling it a win.



  207.  #207Starla on March 6, 2016 at 7:47 am

    Mandy, I loved reading what you want:-). You mentioned ocd and you also have the gift of a mind thirsty for analyzing, so maybe you can find peace in writing down ten qualities in a man that would indicate he’s NOT designed to offer what you want. That could be your baseline for what and who to say no to, and you just stay open to everyone else and everything else that comes along. Let me know if this resinates with you.



  208.  #208Starla on March 6, 2016 at 7:48 am

    *resonates. Sorry, typing on phone.



  209.  #209Starla on March 6, 2016 at 7:53 am

    You know what’s funny? My guy told me like 10 different ways to chill out and stop picking at something i thought was a problem but i just didn’t feel safe or trusting to. He kept dating i have nothing to worry about. It felt like a trick to shut be up or making a doormat out of me.

    I feel silly. It seems obvious to just listen to him and trust him. I’m not sure how to let it feel obvious when I’m in that scared mind of mine. Good intentions are not doing the trick.

    Overall, though, I see myself growing in this arena of my relationship and him too.



  210.  #210Starla on March 6, 2016 at 8:12 am

    *kept saying. Oh, phone.



  211.  #211BeLoved on March 6, 2016 at 8:12 am

    Starla – I feel you on the doormat thing. A dozen times at least, I’ve been through that with my landlord/roommate. It has burned right through my soul sometimes to lean back and let him handle things his way, and respect what he wants.
    And now he is leaving…the sale on the house closes on Monday…and, he sold the house to a friend who wants us to stay as roommates (and says loves us, wants us to stay forever and he never ever never wants to raise the rent), and is leaving all of the appliances and most of the furniture. I made it my job to stay with and ride out my uncertainty, and he figured out something that is a win for everyone concerned that I NEVER would have dreamed of.

    What amazes me most, is that despite feeling physical attraction, we have never so much as even hugged. I feel certain he has negative thoughts and judgments that he keeps hidden, AND, the actions speak volumes.



  212.  #212Starla on March 6, 2016 at 8:42 am

    Beloved, your roommate sounds pretty cool.



  213.  #213Starla on March 6, 2016 at 8:49 am

    For me this keeps boiling down to my fear that awkward or tense moments left in any sort of untidied or misunderstood state are going to lead to him leaving the relationship. I choose staying engaged through picking and worrying and explaining to him over letting it go and letting the temporary space be there. I almost did let it go. I was so close. He was letting it happen and was going along with it. But i couldn’t stand the vulnerability so i reverted and tried to control the situation because I expect temporary weird to turn into forever weird.

    It’s exhausting. What if I’m good enough that awkward or misunderstanding isn’t enough to drive him away?



  214.  #214Starla on March 6, 2016 at 9:01 am

    And then it’s tempting to ruminate and be afraid of the damage I’ve done to the relationship now that i can see how silly i was being. It would be better to make a note of other ways to handle similar situations in the future, spend a few minutes memorizing the intention, and then let it go and stop breathing life into it. And i think that’s what he dislikes the most about my way of getting stuck on things. He wants me to stop breathing life into it. Let it die.

    If i didn’t get it right this time that doesn’t mean i have to do damage control repeatedly and conpulsively now. Even inside my own head. He wants me to let it go, for us, for him, for me. Listen to the guy, he has your back. He knows you’re trying, so relax.



  215.  #215Indigo on March 6, 2016 at 9:01 am

    Starla,

    That sounds exhausting :/

    I am very well acquainted with the fear that drives us to do that, but there is such blissful serene peace in just deciding that it doesn’t warrant your energy or attention, that you just don’t care enough.



  216.  #216Starla on March 6, 2016 at 9:19 am

    It is very exhausting. I have been approaching this sort of thing differently for a little over a week and it’s great. But when i stray from my path, it feels like such a setback. Overall I am doing things differently. I can’t let it keep me off path. I have to forgive myself and forgive him too for not magically understanding and fixing things to specification.

    My stomach is suffering from daring ethnic food choices so I’m pretty stuck in the house for a few hours but i can still start letting this go by watching a tv show, napping, reading, writing, etc.



  217.  #217Starla on March 6, 2016 at 9:21 am

    And he did end up fixing things and maybe understanding too what my deal is. But now i feel undeserving and ashamed of myself for having the problem in the first place.

    Ohhh poor girl. Hugging myself.



  218.  #218BeLoved on March 6, 2016 at 10:01 am

    The next time this happens to you, try this instead:

    Ask yourself, “What am I not feeling?”

    Then check in with your whole body.

    Especially your belly.

    Focus your attention, in a very diffuse, gentle way, on your belly – and just let it loose.

    Let it go loose.

    See what happens to your shoulders.

    See what happens to your emotions.

    The first thing I feel when I ask myself what am I feeling? Is sadness. I know I’ll call that feeling moved.

    It’s a fantastic feeling to suddenly feel emotional when you were all shut down and close.

    And don’t live what you think of it as your emotions for you!

    We do all kinds of drama around panic, anxiety, worry, future thinking, past-bashing, and yet this just all meet up in our heads.

    We mix it up for one reason only:

    We do not want to feel what we are not feeling.

    In that you can fix.

    Once you feel a glimmer of what’s underneath all the shutdown… you’ll start to feel the good stuff to

    The solutions will just sort of bubble up from your insides. From your girl place. From your girl heart.

    Let me know how this works for you.



  219.  #219BeLoved on March 6, 2016 at 10:03 am

    I love this “what am I not feeling?” question, because often I find that it’s a simple cry that I need to cry. Usually an ugly, snotty, toddler sniveling heaving cry that is pure feeling and no thoughts.
    I LOVE to cry, especially when I have the privacy or appropriate witness to really wail, it gets my endorphins going 🙂



  220.  #220Millie on March 6, 2016 at 5:09 pm

    Tereana— yeah I have heard that male female friendships usually have one person who feels attracted to the other, usually the man! I guess I should not assume anything, this guy is inexperienced and very special in my book 🙂 I think you may have been confusing T with the guy I asked out to dance. That is a different guy 🙂 I haven’t really “asked out” T but we have done things together one on one many times.

    Femininewoman– yes I hear you on jumping in too quickly and creating an imaginary relationship. I know I don’t want because he is someone I feel so connected to and full with. I would be cheapening us both and diminishing the quality of our relationship if I let it become casual or imaginary. I’d rather be patient and wait until the timing is right, or see if it ever is. The age gap is a concern because our experience level is very different. I would think he needs more experimentation before he would be able to choose relarionship but I don’t know, some guys maybe don’t need that? We will see..



  221.  #221Olivia on March 6, 2016 at 5:28 pm

    Trigger warning maybe that this is about child birth(?). I am giving birth in April….I have been so worried about how I will get through the pain of child birth and feeling disconnected from the various pain Managment tools out there ….and like my meditation experience isn’t enough….and it dawned on me just now….I can use rori tools! Out the window….imagining myself as a golden woman emanating light…I feel curious about whether they will help ..I also feel exhausted that I’ve had to fight to explain myself and how I don’t want to manage my man and “make” him go to child birth classes as I trust he will figure out what to do for me when I labor at home in the early stage using his masculine energy…(he even expressed this to me in his boy way!)…he has been pretty good abou taking care of me without me telling him what to do…. and i feel like I have to fight to explain to people that I feel unsure about him being in the delivery room in late-stage labor – it just doesn’t feel very siren to me. It feels like an animal raw woman space for me and my doula and midwife and the nurses. I feel curious about what rori would say about this.



  222.  #222Lovergirl on March 6, 2016 at 6:30 pm

    I just got a missed call from a number that I didn’t recognize. I tried to call it back and it said the number was disconnected? It was so weird.

    My first feeling,for some reason, was S, even though the number was in my old area code (where he has never lived). Then I remembered he works for an insurance company and had made a comment one time about how he can make calls from work that show as being in the person’s area code. That is really the only thing I can think of that would make sense where the number was already disconnected when I called back 30 seconds later too.

    Between that and seeing a car outside that looked like his late one night, I am wondering. He hasn’t called or texted me though, in like 9 weeks.



  223.  #223Dixie on March 6, 2016 at 6:47 pm

    Lovergirl, what I am “hearing” is that on some level, you want the number to be S.’ number, you want the car outside to be his….

    I’m not saying this is the case, but looking at this from the filter of my own experience, sometimes my spirit misses someone so much, even if I don’t conciously admit it, to the point where I see reminders of them everywhere.

    S was familiar and on many levels, a comfort, a safety net. There was a familiarity and fondness there. It doesn’t surprise me at all that after the bs with Radio, your mind drifts to something that once felt safe.

    I could be WAY OFF, but again, I’m just sharing from my own experience.

    When I dated after the divorce, I would definitely romanticize certain aspects of my ex, and miss the best parts of the relationship, not necessarily him.

    I wonder on some level if you are missing S very deeply in your heart?



  224.  #224Lovergirl on March 6, 2016 at 7:06 pm

    Dixie- I always miss S. That hasn’t changed. Of course I always wish those things were him. I loved him and I never loved Radio. Yes, this still hurts because I cared about Radio but I did not love him in the way I love S. Yes, I cling to memories of S when I am hurting because with him I actually felt loved even though maybe I wasn’t.



  225.  #225Lovergirl on March 6, 2016 at 7:29 pm

    Indigo 196-

    Yes, I had a rough childhood that involved very little love and affection and a lot of abandonment and abuse. Between the time I was a toddler and age 14 I only saw my father once, but I had 3 stepfathers, two of whom were extremely physically and emotionally abusive. The second one beat my mother as well.

    I know my childhood was awful and I don’t like to talk about it a lot because some of the stories I could tell really would stress other people out, just hearing about it. In any case, it feels like a huge victory that I have made it this far and never stayed with a man who physically beat me or got addicted to drugs or alcohol. Other people might take that for granted, but I do not.

    I know that the odds are stacked against me and it just feels unfair. It feels unfair that not being loved as a child also makes me less likely to be loved as an adult. I feel helpless, like everything I am trying to do is an uphill battle over something that seems easy to everyone else.



  226.  #226Lovergirl on March 6, 2016 at 7:37 pm

    Femininewoman 200-

    I waited 3 dates to have sex with Radio. I feel like this is reasonable… Yet even on those first three dates, he did not treat me as specially as he is treating this woman. He took me out for chinese, mexican and then he made me dinner at his place. For her, he has already taken her to the Cheescake Factory, the movies and to a party at the radio station with the people he works with and to the event I was working the other night. This feels very painful and confusing to me. Why is he treating her better, even in the very beginning?

    I DID dump Radio, he is gone from my life. I blocked him on Facebook after telling him I am finished. I have not texted him or talked to him since we got into that big argument where he finally asked this woman out and said he wants to date her. I am in pain. I maybe messed things up but he also treated her better from the get-go…



  227.  #227Leela on March 7, 2016 at 5:37 am

    Sirens, need your help! So I met this guy on a dating app 2 and a half months ago, he lives 90 minutes away. He deleted the app even before we met. Initially I wasn’t too interested but he kept contacting me saying he FEELS something between us, he feels a potential. We chatted for around 3 weeks before we met. Instant connection and conversation flowing naturally and all that. I just know he’s very attracted to me, always affectionate when he’s with me. He contacts me every day, and the convos are always great! But we’ve only seen each other twice so far! Ok, he’s a doc and he doesn’t live round the corner, he says he works crappy hours, but when he contacts me he’s often either working out or out with a friend during weekend nights! And 90 mins is not that far after all!!! Makes me want to stop talking to him and just drop him, but I know I like him too much. Because of that I also tend to find myself in the masculine mode trying to figure out what strategy shall I use or how to manipulate him which surprise surprise only backfires. But then again, I also know he could easily lie about being at work, so it’s more of a matter “rubbing it in my face”. I’ve had problems being open and he’s actually said that he wants me to open up to him, I feel that at the moment he likes me a lot but appearing cool and “busy” is more important to him. It might be because of me because I always keep trying to appear cool and busy. Is he being competitive? Yesterday I opened up about something outside him and he went ohhhh and he said he wants to see me again soon, I felt the vibe between us shifted and it made me think that he is indeed a good masculine energy man. But again, he didn’t say anything concrete. I’m in a place where I don’t want to see a man every week but I want him to want that, if that makes sense? Am I just fooling myself? Or is it because I’m in my masculine energy (always playing cool) that’s keeping him at a distance despite all the attraction? I so, how can I be more feminine around men without using feeling messages too much? Any advice highly appreciated xx



  228.  #228Azure Blu on March 7, 2016 at 6:57 am

    Leela
    You are doing great!! observing how “playing hard to get” backfires!! BRAVA!!

    my thoughts are:
    It is SUPPER early in this dating process with doc.
    For me I remain open BUT very curious for the first 3-5 months…

    For me… this is when I keep leaning back…
    filling MY life with all things I love…
    and being warm and inviting when he does contact me…
    Keeping MY boundaries..
    Hope he’s in a dating rotation that you have going?
    that will keep the over eager vibe from getting our of control…
    As YOU KNOW… THIS is NOT a game…
    It is all about YOU continuing to LOVE YOU
    and Learning to flex your vulnerability and authentic muscles
    while remaining leaned back!!!
    Remember… HE is GREAT practice…
    as you practiced your vulnerability muscle…
    you observed him responding in a masculine way…
    Don’t forget what YOU want from a relationship…
    How does 1.5 hours work for you?
    For me I remain open BUT very curious for the first 3-5 months…
    He is YOUR free therapy… keep seeing how YOU feel when you’re talking to him…
    on a date with him…
    You are dating others right?



  229.  #229Indigo on March 7, 2016 at 7:22 am

    ((((Lovergirl)))) 224,

    I hear you and I SO understand. I empathise not only with your pain, but also your frustration to the bottom of my soul.

    It probably is objectively unfair, but no more than that some people are born to poverty and others are born to wealth, or some are born leggy and gorgeous, or highly intelligent, and others are not. We all have to play the hand that we are dealt, and it is good to remember I feel that there will always be good cards in that hand. Your attractiveness and ability to excel in your job, for example, are huge plus points. And I always like to look at my own life from that point of view too. I could spend all day long counting the incredible blessings I have been showered with.

    As far as finding love more difficult, this is undoubtedly true… But here again I like to look at the silver lining. I feel that my struggles have given me compassion and empathy and sensitivity. I also don’t think I’d have the tenacity to tackle a demanding degree from scratch at this stage in my life, and pay for it myself, if everything had come immediately to me and very easily. I know what it is to appreciate things others take for granted, and you do too, as you’ve said. This is a huge thing.

    I also feel, others who’ve had happy, secure, well-loved childhoods may not always know why they’re able to make relationships work, or what they could do to have a phenomenal relationship, maybe because the motivation isn’t there, everything is already plenty good enough. But I think when you’ve had to learn from scratch how to create a good relationship, you have more awareness, it gives you a beauty and a depth. My heartbreaks have been very painful, but they have increased my understanding, and although I am still on shaky ground, there is no doubt in my mind that I will be in a happily settled, fully committed forever relationship one day. No doubt at all. It may just take a little longer, and that is ok.



  230.  #230Leela on March 7, 2016 at 8:11 am

    Azure Blu, dating others is my biggest struggle. I always feel guilty about it, and no, I’m not. I was being asked out by two other guys recently and I turned them down. I know it’s silly and it’s working against me, I just find it very hard. Questions like what if he finds out and thinks I’m desperate are running through my head. Makes me cringe. Even though as I’m writing this it makes me cringe that I’m not in fact dating others as the doc hasn’t claimed neither me or my time.
    It’s been a long time since I’m trying to get past this guilt of dating more than one men at the same time.

    And, if you do go out with someone else how do you not make it about the guy you are really interested (like hoping it will affect him instead of yourself).

    These two are my struggles that I just feel I need to work with ASAP



  231.  #231Indigo on March 7, 2016 at 8:58 am

    Leela,

    Not that you want to play hard to get, but you probably want to BE hard to get. Our culture has created an atmosphere, through texting and Facebook, which gives the illusion of being available all the time. So just be careful. With a very masculine man, which it sounds like yours is, you don’t want to be in your head figuring it out because this is leaning forward. You want to consciously lean back into an energy which feels much better and more naturally inviting to a man like this. Be careful about being too available because you like him a lot. Guys like this tend to only stay interested when they are pursuing.



  232.  #232Azure Blu on March 7, 2016 at 9:22 am

    Leela…
    Yes, I agree with Indigo #230
    AND
    REAd lots of Rori’s archived blog posts…
    so much GREAT info on how to Circular DATE!!

    I too find it a struggle to date several men at once…
    But the magic of learning MORE about ME
    with each man
    made it easier and easier…
    Also as I got more clear with myself about what I wanted Mr. Right to be and how *I WANTED* to FEEL when I was with him
    And so I was able to figure out pretty quickly the ones that were NOT a match…

    I am ALWAYS upfront that I AM dating others… after all we are all on a dating site!!
    of course some will complain and act silly…
    BUT even if THEY were wanting to be exclusive right away…
    I DONT want to do that until I have dated for at least 3 months and have found out more about them
    and our compatibility…
    All which makes MY Degree of Difficulty
    MUCH higher!!!
    REAd lots of Rori’s archived blog posts…
    so much GREAT info on how to Circular DATE!!
    oxoxo



  233.  #233Mandy on March 7, 2016 at 10:09 am

    Starla – BRILLIANT.

    I’m going to do it right now!

    Qualities or lack thereof –

    -emotionally unavailable (not nurturing, or giving of attention)
    -intimately unavailable (lack of sexual intimacy)
    -lack of values and morals (bad behavior or meanness)
    -lack of personal resources to take care of one’s self/lack of care for one’s self (neediness or needing to be fixed)
    -Toxicity (manipulative)
    -Drug or alcohol abuse
    -Dishonesty or lack of straightforwardness
    -Drama with an ex or mother of child
    -Lack of patience with talking about feelings (Feeling messages make them mad)
    -Too much interest in other women/not enough commitment.

    That sounds pretty DAMN good!

    That felt great 🙂 Thanks Starla!!!!!!!! Thanks a whole bunch!!!!!!! 🙂

    If I pertain this info to some of my guy crushes….

    TallNDark – possibly afraid of intimacy, not wanting to have children or possibly not wanting to get married

    DancingWolf – Too interested in other women possibly

    Nephilim – Already involved with roommate although not open and honest about it/lacking straight forwardness

    These men are nice to have as friends but thinking about the list I just made it looks like none of them could really amount to say, who my dad is for my mom, he worships the ground she walks on, is fiercely loyal, has morals and manners and a soul, and would never betray or manipulate or hurt her on purpose.

    That’s not to say they don’t have their own issues, he can get insecure, she can get fed up with his brash honesty, but they always make up before they go to bed at night – their agreement is never go to bed angry at each other, and they are in their late 60s and still have a sexual relationship and don’t need any medication. Amazing. My psychiatrist even told me I need a man like my dad, who worships the ground I walk on.

    And why shouldn’t I have one who does? WHo’s got his stuff together, who’s kind, loving, warm, smart, gentle, but fun and funny….educated…career…

    Why shouldn’t I deserve that? 🙂

    Mister dream man, where are you? Lol! I don’t think you’re in my city, in my city people just drift and do too much drinking and partying!

    My city is really full of drifters who are okay with what they have now, no upward-heaving of their lifestyle.

    I may even have to move to find a better dating pool lol. But that is okay.

    That could be your baseline for what and who to say no to, and you just stay open to everyone else and everything else that comes along. Let me know if this resinates with you.



  234.  #234Mandy on March 7, 2016 at 10:11 am

    oh GOSH I need the Toxic Men program, these are the ones I’m drawn to like a moth to the flame and for ALL the wrong reasons.

    I NEED THAT PROGRAM SO BAD……

    Ugh, when I get my finances in order…I may just have to make that my one big present for myself one month….



  235.  #235Mandy on March 7, 2016 at 10:27 am

    Lol I feel good today because I’ve let go and somehow decided in my sleep deprivation I’m just going to let go and be happy and silly today because I deserve it, lol 🙂

    I’m always so wrapped up in my own stuff I don’t even realize it, lol.

    The layers of anxiety and thoughts and thoughts and thoughts just so tie me up, but right now I feel so loopy I’ve just kind of decided to be my happy silly self and not apologize, lol.

    Feels great! It’s advocacy for myself.

    Somehow I always feel like I need my own permission and that permission is never granted. Being a giving person by nature means you do and fix. Being an empath means…you really never stop doing or fixing…it’s just…being MINDFUL of who or what you are doing things for or fixing things for.

    If it’s you you are doing and fixing for I am pretty sure that’s your boy energy taking care of you. Like when you or give yourself a soothing nurturing bath or cook yourself a nice meal. Often I have this little voice in me that says “I don’t WANT to do or fix anything, even for me right now, because I’m so mad about everything!”

    Happens a lot and I have to swallow that somehow or riff it out and just do it, like the Nike slogan.

    This means exercise, meals, baths, sleep, even having nice sheets on my bed, some nice scents to wear, getting my nails done,
    putting on my makeup even if I don’t feel like it.

    Often if I get down or lonely it’s because I’m bored because I’m an extroverted person and prefer the company of others so I may be expressive and speak, because speaking feels so good to me. SO good. Also, I spent like two decades in therapy for OCD and Tourette’s Syndrome, so I was basically conditioned to feel better after talking.

    I can feel it right now. I really want to hang out with a friend. This applies to guys I like a lot. I just want to get ahold of them and just start yapping because that’s naturally me. With being “in the feminine I actually have to go against my authenticity which is very confusing.

    Although when I lean back and do not speak first, usually if I want to speak someone can tell easily and will ask what’s up. Then I can say it and it’s pretty darn symbiotic for both of us.

    I just shouldn’t do or fix in any ROMANTIC situation with a MAN.



  236.  #236AmberEnergy on March 7, 2016 at 9:26 pm

    Hi, I’m here because I need support.
    I’ve been with my boyfriend over 5 years now. He is a great boyfriend. We’ve grown together over the years. He’s communicative, helpful, generous, attentive, thoughtful etc etc
    He’s always the first to raise the white flag after an argument and to want to talk about it.
    I love him, he loves me. We live together.
    I am 32 he is 38.

    I want to get married…He doesn’t. We’ve discussed it off and on for a year. His feelings are that he has other things he needs to do first regarding career and other things. He says he sees himself settling down some day “with you” (me).

    Over the past year I have felt so many different things. Through it all an overall sense of distraction. I have felt turned off and on and off.

    I see him becoming more and more of all his good qualities. He has stepped it up hard and yet maintains that even if he does get married it’s not in the near future.

    I feel confused a lot. I feel stuck down.
    I told him the other day that I had thought about leaving. We spent the whole weekend having sex and talking. He asked if I saw myself spending my life with him without marriage and I said no.
    I feel more confused than ever. I feel deeply dissatisfied in one way and overflowing in another.
    My feelings have changed.
    I think my path has changed…
    I welcome guidance.



  237.  #237Tereana on March 9, 2016 at 5:48 am

    Hi Ladies. Happy International Women’s Day!!!! (It was yesterday, but it’s still ok to Celebrate.) it was also, incidentally, on a full moon with a full solar eclipse! Wow! We are special ☺️



  238.  #238Tereana on March 9, 2016 at 9:20 pm

    Ugghh. So I just had my thing with SM (the very much younger than me Soldier Man) blow up in a really nuclear kind of way. Actually, things were going well, I thought. I was proud of myself. I had expressed myself clearly. And he responded. I said that I didn’t want to put pressure on him, I just didn’t want to lose the feeling of connection. (This was Sunday night). I also said I would give him all the time he needed.

    Then he right away wanted to call me. It was late and I was in bed. He was going to sleep, too, but he called anyway. We talked for two minutes, and he told me he would call me again on Tuesday evening.

    Fast forward to Tuesday.

    I am getting home from my class. I am thinking, “don’t text him. Don’t reach out to him. He doesn’t need my help.” So I went about my business, and a little after 9 pm, “hey, what’s up?” Was the text. I told him I was home. He said he was out at karaoke with his friends. He was going to be out till late.

    I admit I panicked a bit. But I didn’t get mad right away. I said I would be up and asked if he wound call me later. He said it would be too late. “Haha sorry” was how he ended the text. That one really made me feel bad. It was so flippant and not congruent at all with how I had been thinking of him – like a man of his word who kept his promises. I took a deep breath. I asked if he could maybe take a break and call me right then. “Not right now,” he said.

    Anyway, long story short, I was kind of mad. But moreover, I was confused by his behavior. And I felt put off, blown off, and jerked around. I did tell him that I had thought he was a man of his word, and that I was disappointed. No, I didn’t say disappointed. I said I guess I was wrong. Maybe that was bad wording. I was overly hungry and not thinking well. I was actually meaning to build him up and have him want to be that kind of man. But instead he got hurt an offended that I “assumed” he wouldn’t call. He said he had been planning to call me in a few minutes, but that now he was not going to.

    Except that he never indicated that he would call me. And I never assumed that he wouldn’t. I can easily see how his ego might have been hurt by my statement. However, that totally ignores the fact that what I had said was true – up to that point, he had not lived up to his word. And it ignored how *I* felt. Which was belittled, shunted off. Like an annoyance. Not like a thing that was a joy in his life, but like a bothersome chore that took him away from his friends and things he enjoyed.

    And I believe this sensation has nothing to do with me. I believe it may have to do with his own concept of women and relationships. And maybe that’s just the stage of life he is at. Maybe it isn’t a joy. Maybe it is a huge bother and a burden. But I do not want to feel like that.

    So let him go. He said he needed a break. I said no problem. I needed to cut the whole thing off, actually. It just wasn’t working for me.

    I was willing to try it, to flirt with a younger man, to see what it was like. But he didn’t move fast enough to keep my interest. He didn’t communicate with me often enough to keep me excited and wanting more. And in the end, I don’t even think he wanted it to work out. Or maybe I didn’t want it to work out. Either way. Monkey mirror neurons. And here we are.

    It hurt, at first. It felt frustrating. It felt like I really just wanted him to be doing something different, to follow through. And the truth is, I was tired that night. I just as well could have told him I didn’t even want to talk. And maybe that is part of my annoyance. He said Tuesday. Maybe Tuesday wasn’t good for me. But I was willing to talk to me anyway. And then he blew me off. And I freaked out.

    Oh well. It feels better now. The dust has settled. He’s stopped texting me, and I feel calm, clear, and open. I feel confident in my choice not to let him in too close. He wasn’t going to be good for me, and I was starting to see that. I didn’t want it to end, though. I was having fun. Oh well. It’s over now.

    C’est la vie.

    There are many more men….next!



  239.  #239Tereana on March 9, 2016 at 9:25 pm

    I think I lost my siren sexiness in that moment. I wasn’t able to accept him fully with his flaws and bad behavior and just step away. I had to make a thing of it and make him “wrong.”

    I said I was disappointed in him. I am actually disappointed in myself, for letting that happen. I had been really happy with all my siren work and “practice” with him up until then.

    But ah…I guess it was meant to be this way, for some reason. Probably all part of the Divine plan, as it were…or that’s what I can tell myself to feel better anyway



  240.  #240Tereana on March 9, 2016 at 9:27 pm

    ((((Mandy))))



  241.  #241Millie on March 10, 2016 at 1:40 am

    Tereana– One thing I am noticing with myself is how saying something and doing/feeling/being something communicate two different things to a man. Saying “I don’t want to put pressure on you” and actually embodying a vibe and attitude that is pressure free communicate two different things. I think it goes back to how talking about the relationship with a man is less effective than being and shifting your vibe, which actually shifts the energy dynamic organically. You mentioned that you want a man of his word and I also remember you saying you agreed on something casual with him. Since both of you pre-decided this was casual, I don’t think he did anything “wrong,” and perhaps he was true to his word in the sense that his attitude towards all of this was casual? I don’t know how your other conversations went, but it sounds like you really want a lot more than he was capable of giving–which is a great thing to experience! It’s wonderful he could be your practice for better things to come!!



  242.  #242Victoria on March 10, 2016 at 2:07 am

    Tereana,
    I so sympathesize with your story. I have been there, done that, not sure if I learnt any lessons, but I do remember the pain. I remember the joy of flirting, teasing with a guy, even if you know he’s wrong for you (due to age, distance, whatever) but it is still so pleasant and um, entertaining (for lack of better words) to do that, until he shows you that he is disregarding you/ignoring you/disrespecting you, and you blow up. I think part of me blowing up was because I was sort of angry with myself for wasting my time with what I labeled as an “undeserving” man, and then I was mad and him and at me.
    I still remember very clearly how I blew up with a man who was much younger, when he disregarded me on skype once (he said he was talking to his sister, which may be he was or he wasn’t (I suspected he was talking to another girl) but then all my doubts and frustration with him blended together into am explosive mixture (and yes, younger men have a very particular way of being frustrating) and I blew up and told him this will never work out and get the f*ck out of my life. Years later he told a friend of mine that he had a huge crush on me (what?) and thought I could be his “One” (w.t.f?).
    I do not regret getting rid of him, I still think it would have not worked out for various reasons, but it beats me that he could have possibly really liked me. IDK.
    One more thing you said “He said he had been planning to call me in a few minutes, but that now he was not going to. “. Boy, that hurst.
    It has happened to me twice, and I remember it so clearly, to this day (and the first instance was like 25 years ago) when a guy told me he intended to do something which I wanted, but then he wouldn’t because I did something wrong. Really. This feels like such a mean dirty little trick. So you would have treated me better if I had acted like a doormat. Good to know.



  243.  #243Indigo on March 10, 2016 at 3:50 am

    Tereana,

    I SO understand. And I think both Millie and Victoria have made really good points.

    I have learnt that when men ask you if you are ok with being casual, and you agree, they will absolutely hold you to your word. So I never agree unless I have run every worst case scenario through my head and determined that I will be ok even if it happens – and this includes him dating other women, him going days or even weeks without contacting me, him flaking on plans etc. In short, it’s got to be someone I’m not invested in at all. Someone I don’t have the slightest hopes of one day treating me better or of any commitment at all.

    Slowly in my life I have come to the conclusion that if you cannot have a relationship mostly on your own terms, it is better not to have it at all. So the very moment you see power slipping completely away from you… (And for me in your story it was the moment you replied to his text of “hey, what’s up?” instead of the phone call he said he was going to give you…) and then asking and pleading and trying to inspire a man to be “better”… well that’s a terrible place to be in. Even though in the situation itself we may absolutely be right and have the moral high ground, the man will not see it that way. Especially young men, they are incapable.

    The only time you have that kind of leverage is much later on in an established relationship. In the early months of a relationship, and in a casual relationship, I have learnt that it is essential never to put yourself in that position. Slow things down… let him PROVE himself to you. Let him show himself to you. Be a little mysterious. As logical as it seems to us to try and negotiate these things early on, it just doesn’t work. I can practically see his masculine self digging in his heels and becoming like a rebellious child. I also agree that a man who employs the sort of backward logic of “I was going to do it but then you had the audacity to hold me to it” is not ready for a relationship.

    Having said this, I’m glad you are clear on how you would like to be treated and that this man is not it… it is so much better to wait much longer before investing any of your expectations.



  244.  #244Azure Blu on March 10, 2016 at 6:04 am

    Millie #239
    for Tereana
    I AGREE with what you have said here…
    and said SO well!!!

    Millie…Your Siren vibe continues to heal and Grow!!!
    like a warm spring breeze in the early morning mist!!!
    Ahhh… lovely Siren… GREAT work!
    As Dominique often says…
    It takes a brave heart to go on this journey
    and NOT many people take it…

    But it’s sooo worth the price of the ticket
    dont you think?
    oxoxo



  245.  #245Azure Blu on March 10, 2016 at 7:09 am

    Victoria,
    Sooo nice to see you here!
    How is your life with the new Man going?



  246.  #246Azure Blu on March 10, 2016 at 7:40 am

    Tereana…
    I feel impressed by how you have
    made the decision to give yourself
    LOTS of credit for all the practice you
    did with SM
    and how you handled it all very well!!

    Here is an archive from Rori…

    “Decide to find and learn what actually works with men
    and start having new and better experiences. “Success,” if you will.

    Don’t blame anyone.
    Accept that you might not have listen to your inner voice
    that was alerting you to his red flags,
    and didn’t stand by your boundaries –

    Be THRILLED
    that you’ve now caught those yourself!!!

    That’s Right – BE EXCITED

    I KNOW, from all my personal experience
    and from watching over all the experiences of my clients, that catching your mistakes,
    and being HAPPY that you’ve caught them,
    is the FASTEST way to the relationship you want.

    Being angry at yourself will slow yourself down.

    Trying to blame anyone will slow you down.

    Being angry can help you –
    **IF** you can just FEEL your anger and not bother with reasons, or causes, or blame.
    The thing here is to “Get on with it – to actually get what you want,
    not stay STUCK in what you DON’T WANT.

    And, pain and misery and blame and beating yourself or anyone else up will NOT HELP.
    Step one is simply to FEEL what you feel. and LOVE those feelings!!



  247.  #247Azure Blu on March 10, 2016 at 8:40 am

    Rori’s Tools ARE so wonderful and life changing!

    here’s a blog post from April 2011

    “Only Consider a Man Who’s Into You And Makes You Feel Secure –
    No Matter HOW Long You’ve Been Dating Him—

    If a guy really looks at you and walks up to you,
    do you want to run away?
    Do you think there’s something wrong with him?
    Do you immediately think that you’re not attracted to him?

    Bottom line – the only man you should even consider giving the “time of day”
    is a man that walks up to you
    and wants to love you.
    Everybody else is just out of consideration!

    And yet – we all instinctively look at men who come up to us
    and we just kind of dismiss them!

    I want you to make these men
    who are interested in YOU
    your only pool.

    I want you ALWAYS to feel secure
    about where you stand with a man.

    Men who are not available –
    men you have to chase –
    are simply NOT TO BE CONSIDERED.

    If you want to be loved,
    where a man is actually giving love to you
    and that you can feel comfortable and secure in
    for the rest of your life –
    then you have to be careful and very vigilant
    to only allow men near you at all who are loving you, even if they’re only doing it temporarily.

    Circular dating allows for these guys who are just good three month,
    four month guys where they can only love you
    for three or four months and then they run.

    It allows for that because you’re not hung up with them.
    It’s nice to have a guy all over you!
    And he’s in contention until he stops loving you.
    Pretty simple because the guy who’s there for the long term
    doesn’t stop loving you.

    Sometimes a man backs off because he feels disrespected
    or that he can’t make us happy
    or we’re doing something to push him away.

    So, that is the key there for you.
    You only look at the pool of men who are loving to you
    and then you start watching your behavior around them
    to see how you’re pushing them away.

    The Four Rules work here.
    If you’re closing off your heart and lying to men,
    if you’re not opening your heart
    and body to them…
    this is how you practice little by little by little to let guys in.”



  248.  #248Starla on March 10, 2016 at 2:05 pm

    I am choosing to honor how much I’ve grown and my sheer honesty and vulnerability I bring to the table. I really admire these things about myself and don’t only want to beat myself up about them. The fact that I do beat myself up in constant audit of my behaviors and thinking is another sign that I have awesome vulnerability and self awareness.

    I am not all bad.

    There is so much good to me. Even in my bad traits I seek to find growth and understanding. I am honest about myself, that’s for sure.

    This is me. Today. I don’t want to pressure myself to be something else. I feel like I will be sinning if I accept and love myself exactly as I am if I am not perfect enough.

    Yes. I would like to honor myself. More compassion for myself and everyone.



  249.  #249MissStix on March 10, 2016 at 2:45 pm

    Testing



  250.  #250Starla on March 10, 2016 at 3:14 pm

    Hey stix!!



  251.  #251MissStix on March 10, 2016 at 3:16 pm

    Ok…

    Hi I am back again!

    I made a new name and made a comment but moderation is taking some time and I feel itchy to write here.

    Last night I did my best to deliver a speech telling my bf (5 years now l…crazy!) I am prepared to step away from our relationship. It’s been a year now of off and on talking about marriage with his stance being that he was not ready and it’s not important to him anyways. Although he saw himself spending his life with me anyways. I’ve known for some years now that I encompass his universe. But it didn’t matter. I felt how I felt and I wanted something he seemed less than willing to give. Leaving him would be the hardest thing I have ever done. He is an amazing boyfriend.

    It’s been a learning journey. I have felt all kinds of feelings. So many that i’ve never felt before. Feelings I thought I would never feel because they just aren’t “me”.
    It would take longer than a year to write it all out…It consumed me daily.

    I tried many approaches…I tried to just accept and lean back and surrender and try to focus on the positive.
    It eroded some of my confidence. Looking back I have been depressed, moody, snappy, manipulative.
    It started to feel toxic. I started to feel icky when he touched me sexually sometimes. I lost that special feeling of excitement I felt to have him in my life, being awesome, letting me be awesome. Something changed and I started visualizing myself with the abundance of other great men in existence.

    Now we had last night. After my “powerful” (it was actually shaky, broken and spoken through a heavy ball of panic) speech he immediately told me he’s been changing his mind. He sees himself married before he’s 40 (2 years from now) he wants it only with me and he’s not going anywhere.

    He said it’s his mission to make me happy and if it’s not with him he won’t be happy but will accept it. Going forward he wants me to tell him exactly how I feel in the moment even if I feel afraid or unsure what it means. “Give me your worries.” Which he has always told me, in one way or another.

    “If I asked you to marry me right now would you say no?”
    “Yes I would say no.”
    “Do you want to break up, is that what you’re saying?”
    “Yeah….yes…that’s what i’m saying.”

    I told him I lost the feeling. He said he hoped I could get it back. Asked if I want it back…I said I don’t know.

    In the light of this new day I DO want the feeling back. I do want him in my life. I like the idea of soending my life with him. Yet I feel so confused still. I still want my space. I still want us both to focus on ourselves at least for a while and I don’t want anymore relationship talk for a long time.
    I don’t feel any desire to BE in a relationship and do what it takes.
    I want to surrender and only to myself.

    And that’s all for now.
    Have a beautiful day sirens 🙂



  252.  #252MissStix on March 10, 2016 at 3:16 pm

    Hi Starla 😉



  253.  #253Mandy on March 10, 2016 at 7:01 pm

    Wow. I feel so fried today. I just jumped through my bum to get to this business meeting then had trouble on the way home and now my chest is very tight and I’m having trouble breathing.

    Stress is way up…

    And things are getting pretty sexual between TallNDark and I. I am not sure why, errrr……I believe I am very much in my head with this guy, but not in a focusing on him way, not in the least, I have actually been very able to lean back with him just because I haven’t been fixated on him for some reason. I guess he’s a guy who had I not used the Dance Position tool I would’ve overlooked, and still kind of do, but he’s been so thorough in keeping in contact and regular about it, I notice it, and also we’ve slept together and it was explosive.

    So, he’s making plans with me to try some new things out in the bedroom. I am totally okay with that. He also wants to challenge us to see if we can see each other one time and not have sex, lol.

    When I think about it it’s funny because the sex is so good I don’t know if I can say no just for the sake of saying no, but I’m not trying to do or fix at all, lol. I’m just kind of shrugging and letting it be what it is. I can tell when he’s feeling that way and he can tell when I am and it happens on account of me feeling a connection.

    Just wary of what I discussed earlier, connecting sexually. Don’t want to make that the main focus of it all, even though wow, it’s just….we’re both highly sexual…highly driven, highly visual…my parents are the same, the sexual nature of their relationship is intense yet they are in love.

    I wonder if this is balanced by just a great big dose of leaning back…it seems to be…it’s been working for the most part because I’m not all about this guy, lol. I’m just kind of letting it happen. And usually when I am liking a guy, I’m all about him. Just NOT all about this guy. Only a little, lol.

    I think that’s a step in the right direction?



  254.  #254Millie on March 10, 2016 at 7:46 pm

    Mandy that sounds so exciting!!! I miss sex 🙁 this sounds like an interesting and challenging CD! Yay more experience for you to learn from!!

    Can you remind me of the Rori dance position tool?

    Part of me wishes I could just let go and have some crazy sexual relationship with M without feeling like I need anything else from him, but Then I also feel icky thinking of letting him into my body when he hasn’t treated me well. Ugh no. I’d rather be celibate that stoop to that.



  255.  #255Mandy on March 11, 2016 at 7:02 am

    Millie – Well I just sort of….wow…woke up…lol…I am steel reeling from this dream I had last night, it was so vivid… it was me on this very tumultuous stormy water inside a cave. I reverted back to my adolescence and I felt every bit of awkwardness from it and I found myself digging through old magazines I had as a teen and old clothes trying to find something. Oddly enough I got onto my phone in the dream and went to this blog.

    Anyway, I am just kind of…whoa after that…

    So…Millie…I do this sort of square-breathing thing…Take in a breath, and sometimes I actually hold it in for a few seconds, and then let it out slowly, imagining energy going out of me, and then, I imagine unzipping heart, and then I ask myself what I’m feeling. Sometimes it doesn’t come up right away and that’s fine.

    I dunno, it wasn’t an apparent connection to the way I felt until something happened where I noticed I usually wouldn’t have let that man take me out, my physical standards have always been too picky and I’ve always had disinterest in guys who’s energy comes towards me I always wanted to push my energy towards them…as a teen…lol.

    It seems I loved the way my dad treated my mom so I didn’t end up wanting that guy I ended up wanting to like him, lol. Woops.

    So I have to learn not to do the giving and doing and fixing still.

    So yeah, I wasn’t expecting that man to be around but he’s around, quite a bit, texting, and talking to me, and then making plans to see me very regularly.

    I have not texted him once since we’ve been seeing each other. I have not had to. That is HUGE for me. 🙂 He’s cool doing all the driving. In fact he’s laid this out on the first date, that he prefers to be….the one who steers.

    Just really really really a HUGE turn on when a guy does this, when he just grabs the reigns…HUGE turn on, lol. This way of being turned on isn’t focusing on his looks, or words… but rather his actions. 🙂



  256.  #256Mandy on March 11, 2016 at 7:28 am

    So I realize I have a bit of an issue with my imperfections from that dream.

    Oh gosh I have things to say about this, lol!

    Ah….men don’t fall in love with…our bodies.

    My friend, my CD, DancingWolf, totally illustrated this when I spoke with him in person last. He got all animated when he was talking about this model he likes and I was actually open to hearing about it because he was being authentic, I could tell he wasn’t actually trying to make me mad by saying this, and of course, I have my girl crushes too, so we just sort of…shared our girl crushes…lol…and I was TOTALLY fine with it ODDLY enough

    …point being….

    He showed me a picture and said, like a schoolboy, lol, “I like this model here, she likes all these things I like, if she was my girlfriend she could just wear the pants in the relationship, and I know it’s mostly penis-y feelings, but…”

    I giggled, and thought…LOL…honesty! I feel terribly, so curious about what that’s about…LOL.

    What I heard from that is he thinks he’s feelings heart feelings, but they are…..coming from his libido…lol..is he confused?

    That was really cute though lol So honest and unassuming, lol…just want to hug that guy…gosh I guess honesty is pretty cute, lol 🙂

    I dunno, I kind of just went with…what popped up inside me, so I told him one of my girl crushes and he didn’t seem to mind, lol. We’re just sort of playing with each other like a couple of kids this way. Talking about who we like and what we watch and what interests us.

    I like how he smiles at me when he looks at me. All smiles. He seems to be a man who…enjoys a woman taking control more though, so I dunno. Heck of a guy though. I know how much it turns me on inside if a guy wants to do the “steering”, and how much I love it and how good it is for me, now.

    So what I mean to say is, good CD to have, but not the MASCULINE guy I probably need to have around me, such as, in a relationship, living together, committed, married, thinking about a kid, etc. But with him telling me he wants to make me feel good, and give me some care, at least he and I have an open dialogue about that. He says if he is to say make a commitment like having sex without a condom, he says he would pretty much be ready to share his entire life with that person so he says he never does that unless he wants to spend the rest of his life with someone and I told him my parents really drilled it into my head, you know, don’t get married to or pregnant by someone who you cannot see yourself with forever. We both agree on that one and that is why we double up on prophylactics/birth control – condom and IUD. Just not happening. LOL. 🙂

    Really super duper caring guy though. Very grateful for his care and friendship. What a tender heart. Which is interesting because he has this tough exterior but on the inside he’s a darn teddy-bear or a cat, lol. I love people like that being around 🙂



  257.  #257MissStix on March 11, 2016 at 9:26 am

    Today I feel grateful, blessed, energetic, loved. All warm fuzzy and tingly electric feelings.

    The work man with a crush on me told me I look pretty today. That felt nice. I told him he does too. He said “Now i’m blushing” so I said “and that makes you extra pretty!” And we had a good laugh.
    I would enjoy spending time with this man outside of work.
    He invited me to a party once but I didn’t go because I felt weird about it. I felt un-free to go. And I also didn’t want to go out of my way to make it to his party. I have decided now if he invites me again I will go.
    Now is the time to CD and just explore what’s out there.
    I feel so relaxed right now sitting with this. 🙂



  258.  #258Millie on March 11, 2016 at 12:59 pm

    Today feels really gloomy. It’s supposed to rain, even though it’s Friday I feel kind of down. Work doesn’t feel positive, heard a lot of draining news today. I’ve been thinking about my goals/the life I want and how I can use my masculine energy to get myself there…a lot of it requires money and figuring out to get that money, so it can feel daunting and overwhelming. Feeling like I want to text M and ask how he’s doing and what he had in mind for this supposed “hang out” if he’s going to be in town anytime soon. I’m not sure where this desire is coming from, part of me truly feels curious, but then the other part wonders if it’s old stuff coming up and I’d be undoing the strides I’ve made by initiating.



  259.  #259Dixie on March 11, 2016 at 6:30 pm

    Sirens…. I need just a space to process some feelings….

    I was late this month, by almost two weeks. I didn’t notice it until a few days ago, and the obvious thing came to mind. I pushed it out of my head because I had so many feelings inside about it, and luckily, I’ve been calm and steady.

    So today, i took a huge breath and bought a pregnancy test. This was a huge, and fearful moment. The last time I bought a test is when my ex husband and I were trying so hard to conceive.

    And in the years since, I’ve often grieved at the idea of not having a child. It hits me like a wave sometimes. I didn’t expect to feel shaky in the drugstore but I did. I was steeling myself in the outside but inside I was just quivering. And the whole drive home, I knew this: that my feelings about this were linked would clear the fog about D. My head was swirling and creating logical lists (right brain) of what to do in case….

    I came home and took the test. 1 line. Not pregnant. And I held the stick and kept looking. I put it in the trash, then pulled it out again just to check. I kept looking for the second pink line. Sirens, that tells me everything, no?

    I am supposed to see D on Monday. I don’t know what to do. I responded but did not mention this. I thought about just “ghosting” but that’s silly – that is just my fear of speaking up. A large of me wants to see him, a large part of me wants to tell him, and a VERY large part of me feels that this might have been a very clear sign to me that I really want to be with someone who would be happy about a pregnancy.

    We haven’t had this talk because he really hasn’t mentioned a Forever Plan. I don’t know what to do. My heart is yelling at me “Sweetness, just tell him the truth of your feelings, hear what he says,and then walk away if it’s best for you.”

    Other than all that, I feel rather calm and grounded these days which is really good.



  260.  #260Victoria on March 12, 2016 at 6:08 am

    Dixie,
    You sound like such a sweet and innocent and gentle creature, and you deserve the best.
    Still, it is very rare, for any of us, to be with a man who would be happy about an ACCIDENTAL pregnancy. Unless you are trying to be getting pregnant because it is something that you both want and have discussed, even a man who loves you dearly, would be stressed by an accidental pregnancy. You need to be very careful about how you voice your wishes around this, and may be it would be more relaxed if you ask him what he thinks about having children etc. without relating it to your period being late. Just my two cents.



  261.  #261Victoria on March 12, 2016 at 6:34 am

    Dixie,
    please also consider seeing a doctor about your period being two weeks late, if this is something highly unusual for you.



  262.  #262Mandy on March 13, 2016 at 8:45 am

    Dixie –

    Awwwww…..I very much felt endeared when I read that message you just posted here…when you said…I just need some space to process my feelings…gosh that must have been such a serious moment with the test. I just felt my heart go soft when I read that first line….<3

    I mean, pregnancy!!!! WHOA!!!

    I remember the feeling of my heart racing, me closing my eyes and praying, scared half to death I'd need to consider all these things if it turned out I was pregnant…when something happened with a pregnancy test or two with me. I've been so stressed emotionally during a breakup before, where I'd been cheated on and left for the other girl and so I was late by a week or two and I had to take a test, and the girl was all bummed because apparently my ex and she had gotten close.

    Use the space dear Siren…get all those feelings out <3

    That whole riff you did there was endearing as can be. Maybe something that honest and open when you feel….might make a guy melt a little. 🙂

    I think it could inspire one of those "Aw, babe, come here!" moments with a man…I think so…:)

    GREAT job riffing!!!!!

    And hey…pat yourself on the back, you did something brave there and went through something highly stressful…I think you deserve to treat yourself for that…manicure, or pedicure, or new tube of lipstick…whatever you please…but you should treat yourself!

    You deserve a little something. 🙂



  263.  #263MissStix on March 13, 2016 at 9:10 pm

    I feel good. I feel pleasantly tired. Calm. Mild buzzy sensations in my appenages.
    In my head I think I should have done this sooner.
    I felt afraid I would cause pain or suffering in speaking what I was feeling. I see no pain or suffering. Seems this has turned out to be very good for me and us both.

    It feels easy to be melty and welcoming of his constant attention because my mind feels at ease.
    I do feel slightly aloft. Looking down on the moments. Not fully realizing them…or trusting myself to fully experience these overwhelming moments.

    I’m uhh…having mind altering orgasms. and with each I feel i’ve shed some skin and emerged anew feeling enraptured and open.
    something very special is happening within me right now 🙂



  264.  #264Indigo on March 14, 2016 at 3:13 am

    Dixie & MissStix,

    You both sound in a very good place 🙂

    I too am in a very good place.



  265.  #265Tee on March 14, 2016 at 6:15 am

    Yup I think E and I are back to where we were before. Or maybe it’s just me. I just feel like he wants to be single. Going out with this friend or that friend.

    Barely bothers to tell me or even invite me! It’s like he has no relationship etiquette. He does all of the same things he’s done before, etc

    Seems like every time I try to get around this…I somehow fall back in

    He just floats around the apartment without a care in the world while I’m just baggage and look like it too

    This whole thing feels disrespectful & hurtful. I’m tired of feeling like I have to change while he just does whatever

    How do you not care? How can he not care?



  266.  #266Azure Blu on March 14, 2016 at 7:20 am

    Dixie #257
    Oh darling Siren,
    I agree with Mandy and Victoria,
    Such a sweet vulnerable sharing…
    Ahhh… the profoundness of realizing how important this is to YOU!

    “it is very rare, for any of us, to be with a man who would be happy about an ACCIDENTAL pregnancy”
    I agree with Victoria

    The universe has given you a wonderful opportunity to realize for yourself how good this would feel!

    For me, it sounds self affirming to share with D “your desire for children and that you want children in your future – How does he feel?”

    Being open and authentic with him gives you both a chance to grow even closer.



  267.  #267Azure Blu on March 14, 2016 at 7:32 am

    Miss Sticks #249
    Wow! gentle Siren,
    What a profound sharing you and your bf had that night.
    How brave of you to share your authentic heart with him once more and to be able to be still, listen and be ready to be surprised!!
    Thank you for sharing this most profound of moments!
    and YOUR PROFOUND “Letting Go”!!!



  268.  #268Azure Blu on March 14, 2016 at 7:33 am

    ((Tee))
    I feel sad to hear how you are feeling.

    How are the Al Annon meetings going?
    oxoxo



  269.  #269Tee on March 14, 2016 at 8:05 am

    I totally forgot about the Al-Anon meetings! I did call & find out that there’s a meeting place right down the street from me but I never got an answer whenever I called

    I also signed up to join an ADHD Spouse Support Group and a Codependency Group on Facebook but I haven’t been approved yet

    I probably should find things outside of the house to do. I need an accountability partner, someone who’ll make me go outside or something

    I had a nice time Saturday with my sister. She came into the city to take pictures for a school project, so Isiah and I tagged along. She even treated us to lunch where Isiah acted like a madman lol but if she wouldn’t have asked if I wanted to go, I would have stayed in the house getting more & more upset and feeling unwanted

    Yes, I’m sad too! I’m very sad right now

    I feel so unloved and uncared for
    I feel like I hate him & he wishes he didn’t have to deal with us

    I keep saying that I need to love myself more than I love him but I’m not even sure that’s possible

    I have no middle ground
    I either want to be around you or I want nothing to do with you
    I either love you or I can’t stand you

    I feel too many things with E
    I want to be his sole everything, he seems so annoyed by that
    Like he can’t wait until I get some friends, get a job, go somewhere, etc

    It’s so hurtful & he refuses to get that
    I feel like he just wants me to look the other way while he does whatever

    I don’t get how it’s even a relationship if both people are always doing their own thing

    I’m trying to feel around this.
    Trying to be healthy and not suck up all of his air but sometimes it hurts not to

    Anyways, it’s a dreary day. I’m going back in the house. Into my silence



  270.  #270Azure Blu on March 14, 2016 at 8:07 am

    Ahhh Sirens,
    After being exclusive with Spirit, whom I feel is the love of my life… for the past 2 months.
    and spending MORE and more time with him…
    I have watched myself become more masculine, In the last week or so.
    as I push and shove. I’m fairly certain it is Me trying to protect my heart –
    Too much intimacy is scary for both of us…

    I was feeling that he had a timeline about moving in with me… he was becoming more frantic about our time together… he was over at my house everyday..
    Giving, doing almost manic…
    And then he brought up about marriage, moving in together… wanting to spend the rest of our lives together… I responded warmly and positively
    BUT the following days he became pouty and stand offish because I didn’t ask him to move in.

    I thought about what I wanted and realized
    I am not ready to have him move in…
    there are things to talk about
    finances, my son living with me, etc.
    i’ve been alone 27 years and
    ***I am sooo used to being alone***
    (except when raising my children)…
    I felt this profoundly as Spirit spent more time here.

    I brought it up this weekend and he agreed it would be good to take our time (reluctantly)
    BUT I have noticed he has relaxed a lot
    So important to listen to our feelings…
    Search within OUR hearts (I was ready to break it off nit picking all the things I didn’t like about him)

    and I found the things that were scaring ME
    The things I need to do to stay open and grounded in my love for ME and my love for him
    Everyday choose to be in this relationship (or not) and then continue expanding my heart
    and learning how to let this lovely man closer!
    Wish me luck!



  271.  #271Azure Blu on March 14, 2016 at 8:27 am

    Tee…
    Ahhh lovely one..
    You have NOT gone backward!
    It is only the brave who choose to learn to
    LOVE Themselves
    and take these baby steps
    toward a lifetime (you’re doing this for your son also)
    of exquisite Self LOVE!
    When I took this journey it was to
    Break the cycle of family addictions, codependancy and unhappiness
    AND IT WORKS!!! YAY – confetti and trumpets
    AND it’s hard work!

    I have been where you are…
    many times…
    having the man in my life be my sole EVERYTHING!
    and I was either totally into him
    OR extremely P**ssed at him
    and ME for still being there!!
    One thing I noticed over the years – is how
    **I SET UP**
    my relationships so I was continually being treated like my parents treated me…

    and FINALLY after finding Rori
    and practicing these tools (felt at times like hell)
    for over three years
    I realize how wonderful it feels to LOVE ME!



  272.  #272Tee on March 14, 2016 at 8:58 am

    #269 I wish I felt brave Azure lol I feel dumb, like I’m allowing him to take advantage of my love for him

    It’s weird that you say that I *Set Up* this relationship based on how my parents treated me. E once made the comment that I chose him specifically so that I’ll have someone to blame

    I found that to be a very insightful thing to say. E gets along great with my mother! I think it could be because E accepts her exactly as she is. I tend to hold grudges (inwardly) against those who I feel haven’t loved me how I need to be loved

    My mom calls E, she texts him. They joke & talk trash about sports. I don’t have that with her.

    Maybe this is why I’m so back & forth about E. There are days when he hits the mark. Other days, he’s way off.
    Of course the Off days are typically days without me

    It just hurts, like how things hurt with my mother. She’s not capable of emotional depth and it hurts to not get it. My sister and I talk about this alot…we’re kinda the same. She’s only 20 so I try not to burden her with my crap but unfortunately (or fortunately) she’s use to it and E does it too lol

    Uugghh I don’t know anymore



  273.  #273Tee on March 14, 2016 at 10:04 am

    I had to leave the house. I was about to explode! E waltzes in the door like absolutely nothing is wrong! I wanted to curse him out, throw all of his food on the floor, etc

    I wanna leave. Go somewhere where he can’t find us but unless it’s permanent, I don’t think it’ll solve anything

    And it’s not like he’s clueless. He really does think that as long as he’s not cheating….he can do absolutely anything

    I can’t. It’s hurting me & he’s oblivious



  274.  #274Femininewoman on March 14, 2016 at 10:21 am

    Tee fact is he might very well care but at the same time choosing to act the way he wants. Maybe he is thinking the relationship is not his idea. Have you considered taking a break? Is this an option that you could use?



  275.  #275Tee on March 14, 2016 at 10:43 am

    #272 FW

    I don’t know if we can do a break. I don’t think either of us will come back.
    I think he’d try to be in our son’s life but how would I heal having to always see him? I know that’s not what you meant lol

    I can’t say that the relationship isn’t what he wanted…I think that this version of ME is something he doesn’t want

    I think he wants the dressed up, confident, playful, secure girl from high school back

    The one who didn’t chase him, get upset all the time, ask him a million questions & didn’t stay in the house, etc

    I haven’t been HER in ages! I was only her because he & I were still new…I didn’t think it would amount to anything

    Then we got closer. He stayed the same mostly…I got worse over time



  276.  #276Tee on March 14, 2016 at 10:47 am

    He’s always asking me what happened to me? What happened to that girl?
    I’m not 100% sure



  277.  #277Posie on March 14, 2016 at 11:22 am

    Tee, I feel confused. You say that he thinks he can do whatever he wants. I’m not sure what that means.

    What exactly is he doing that is inappropriate or that hurts you? Why do you feel you want to curse him when he comes home?



  278.  #278Tee on March 14, 2016 at 11:36 am

    Thanks for the questions & concern Posie

    He wants to come & go at all hours of the night

    Sometimes he’ll tell me where he’s going, sometimes he won’t

    He accepts invitations from women to various functions, sometimes he’ll tell me, sometimes he wont…etc

    I do have that same freedom but I feel like it would be disrespectful, he doesn’t see it that way

    His philosophy is that as long as the other isn’t cheating & they always come home…what’s the problem?

    I think alot of behaviors should be curtailed because we are in a relationship & we are parents

    It’s not cool to me and I’ve said this a few times & it seems to make him even more defiant

    Some times he will chill out but then he’ll sit in the corner looking defeated

    I have trust and abandonment issues which he is well aware of…he feels he’s being punished for what my Dad/Godfather did to me

    We go through this every few weeks or so



  279.  #279Tee on March 14, 2016 at 11:39 am

    I think he wants an interdependent relationship where we both have each other & our separate friends…no one’s feeling smothered or forced to be together *all the time*, etc

    Not sure how I can achieve that



  280.  #280Tee on March 14, 2016 at 11:41 am

    I haven’t tested the theory that we both have these same independent rights since I’m so focused on him & I don’t wanna test it for the wrong reasons



  281.  #281Posie on March 14, 2016 at 12:09 pm

    Hmmm. Then I wonder Tee, which one of these might you be wanting from him?:
    1) that he gives you a heads up about where he’s going, with whom, and for how long
    2) that he asks your permission to go out, with whom, and for how long
    3) that he goes out less or not at all

    Just trying to narrow down the concern a little



  282.  #282Indigo on March 14, 2016 at 12:19 pm

    Tee,

    I will admit I avoid reading your posts. You sound like a lovely person, but I must say I find the way you go round and round and up and down and all around in your head about your relationship frustrating.

    Sometimes, no actually quite often, people just want different things from a relationship. It doesn’t mean they don’t care.

    I know of women who would be quite happy with the arrangement your fiance is offering. You just need to work out whether you want to and can live with it. Clarity.

    This ruminating is very destructive in my opinion.



  283.  #283Tee on March 14, 2016 at 12:28 pm

    #280 Indigo (sigh) I know, it frustrating and I can’t seem to find a way around it.

    If I just let him be…eventually I’ll shut down emotionally or keep acting out every few weeks

    If I keep harping on him, he’ll check out & eventually leave

    Seems like no one wins



  284.  #284Tee on March 14, 2016 at 12:37 pm

    #279 Posie,

    Theoretically 1 & 2
    There are days when he will give me a heads up &/or ask but they’re few & far between.

    He feels since he hangs around the same area, doing the same things 85% of the time….he doesn’t see the point in telling me

    He typically goes back to his old neighborhood & hangs around the bar. The same thing he’s been doing pretty much since high school lol

    He always feels like no matter what he does, I’m gonna be upset so why bother

    #3 won’t happen. I think some part of him needs to be out socializing, joking around, talking trash, etc
    He just seems to need it far more than I do so I feel slighted at times.

    So yeah he feels like he can’t win either way so F it.

    I know I need to find a healthy way to live with this.



  285.  #285Posie on March 14, 2016 at 1:52 pm

    Hmmm. It’s a tough one for me. Like Indigo suggests, it seems to be a case of deciding what is or isn’t acceptable for you, voicing it, and then making a decision for yourself. Everyone will be different on what would work for them.

    For me, if I was in a committed relationship with someone, I would always give them the courtesy of letting them know where I was at just so they wouldn’t worry about my wellbeing. That would seem fair to me. I’d ask for the same in return, just for a pure safety and wellbeing thing. But I would not feel comfortable ever feeling like I had to ask for permission or report on my whereabouts. So I wouldn’t, myself, ask that from another.

    I also think I value a partner who is invested in things other than just me. I’m attracted to that kind of confidence, engagement in life, interest in personal growth. If I ever needed more time or communication I feel like I could voice those desires without feeling anger about it. Just with a “hey babe, I really would love to spend time with you tonight. Could I come along with you and your friends or maybe we could stay in and watch a movie or something? It would feel great to hang out.”

    I don’t know. Something like that.

    I know this is a good and safe venue for venting. Important to do that, for sure. But I wonder if when you are communicating your boundaries with him, it is a little unclear to him as well what you might be asking for? Just because it seems a little tough here to appreciate what actual concern you are articulating? Just a suggestion. Take or leave.



  286.  #286MissStix on March 14, 2016 at 1:52 pm

    Thank you for the nice words azure blu, indigo 🙂



  287.  #287Tee on March 14, 2016 at 2:04 pm

    #283 Posie

    Thank you for expressing yourself so well. I can admit that when I’m hurting or feeling abandoned, I’m just a ball of tears, threats, anger and attitude.

    I still haven’t graduated to a point where I can calmly express myself yet I still feel like he should know these things

    I think E would appreciate my having other interests outside of him…he finds my lack of confidence irritating I’m sure

    It seems like I can branch out only temporarily. I’ll do things like hang out, etc but I’ll still look to him for love, attention, validation, etc

    This is why I said he wants the old old me back

    But I don’t think the old me had confidence so much as the old me felt secure in the theory that young people don’t fall in love

    Sorry if everyone is annoyed lol but it hurts when it feels like he’d rather be anywhere else or with anyone else

    When I’m hurt, I lash out or shut down

    Maybe if I can’t actually talk to him, maybe I can practice through texting?



  288.  #288MissStix on March 14, 2016 at 3:43 pm

    Tee

    Hi…Nice to “meet” you 🙂

    Without getting advicey on you because I don’t know you really…
    I read at least twice “he wants the old me back.”
    I wonder if you can take the teeny tiniest baby step by flipping this narative.
    “I want a new me.”
    And then set to figuring out ways you can focus on building yourself up.
    Between all the lines about him and what he wants are judgements of yourself as not what he wants.
    But really what matters here is loving yourself as what YOU want.



  289.  #289Tee on March 14, 2016 at 4:09 pm

    #286 Hi Miss Stix

    I do want a new me but I think I want him to walk me through it, hold my hand, something

    I don’t know that he’s *into* that
    When he sees that I’ve done something cool, he’ll give me encouragement but I think he needs to see me motivate myself

    Sorry for all of the talk about what he wants. I think I’m not totally comfortable just doing for myself yet

    I went window shopping today to clear my head & to get ideas for a new look…I bring this up because when I walked by the toddler aisle (we have a 2 year old boy)…a sense of calm came over me.

    Had I been anxious? I don’t know but I felt more at home, at ease…thinking about my boy

    I think this also translates over to my fiancé and it’s so hard to not do



  290.  #290Starla on March 14, 2016 at 5:28 pm

    Rumination without action (boy energy used on yourself) is basically abandoning yourself and voting for unhappiness. Ruminating is way harder to kick than action is to pick up. I don’t recommend anyone keep trying to simply think or wish the ruminating away if it hasn’t actually worked. You can’t ruminate your way out of ruminating.



  291.  #291Tee on March 14, 2016 at 5:40 pm

    Right, that’s why I need someone close by to kick my butt lol



  292.  #292Beloved on March 14, 2016 at 5:55 pm

    I feel sadness. Feels like heavy heart and tears rising but not quite falling.
    C, who just bought this house, who told d me a week ago how much he loved me (platonically) and wanted me to stay forever and ever, just gave me 30 days notice. Becuase, he said, i cried (just had tears in my voice) and tolf him I felt upset because he moved the dining table into what had been a den, that I used frequently. So I have no space to chill out besides my room, because everything else is closed off. He said give him 30 days, so I was like, ok. But he got it in his head that I wasn’t giving him 30 days…? Idk.
    He said he was a grown man and not about to live with his mother so idk, apparently something about that reminded him of her. He’s been out of his Mom’s house all of 3 days, omg. The whole reason TG yook a lower bid and sold the house to him was so I could stay.



  293.  #293Beloved on March 14, 2016 at 5:57 pm

    I am packing for a an out of state conference, I’ll be gone for a week.
    I am safe. All is well. I am safe. All is well.



  294.  #294Starla on March 14, 2016 at 6:49 pm

    My legs are too short to kick you from here haha.



  295.  #295Azure Blu on March 14, 2016 at 6:52 pm

    ((((Beloved))))
    Awww… NO!!! how VERY upset you must feel!
    I feel sadness for you in this situation…
    and anger at C cause to me it sounds like
    he totally took advantage and lied!
    Where is your conference?
    oxoxo



  296.  #296Azure Blu on March 14, 2016 at 6:57 pm

    Starla #292
    LOL!! So funny! love it!
    :0))

    Tee… I agree with what Starla says…
    You CAN:T Ruminate your way out of Ruminating!!

    I’m pretty sure Al Anon has many meetings all over ….
    Getting together with people might be just what you need… great for networking and finding a job also.

    I read on Sami Wunders facebook group
    one woman suggested taking ANY job..
    just to get the ball rolling… it’s easier to get another job once you have one!



  297.  #297Azure Blu on March 14, 2016 at 7:11 pm

    Tee…
    This is just my thoughts…
    E, just last week, spent lots of time with you and Isaiha
    time that you enjoyed so much…

    Dominique recommends REMEMBERING THOSE WONDERFUL HEART MELTING TIMES
    when we start nit-picking (which pushes our man away)
    and being ungrateful, closing our hearts…
    we can’t receive ALL the LOVE our man does bring

    When I find myself doing this…
    and I was nit-picking, being masculine, NOT being in my feminine receiving vibe with Spirit last week..

    1) CONSINTRATE on ALL the things YOU love about HIM -(make a list– so you have it in front of you)
    2) When he is in front of you… visualize YOU unzipping your heart
    3) Repeat #1

    All you can do is TRY… see for yourself if it DOES WORK

    IT’s magic…Spirit will visually relax when I am NOT even touching him…
    It’s ME changing MY vibrations…



  298.  #298MissStix on March 14, 2016 at 7:41 pm

    Tee

    No need to apologize at all 🙂 just something I noticed.



  299.  #299Tee on March 14, 2016 at 8:21 pm

    Ok I’ll cut you guys a break from my drama. I think some of this is job frustration. No one’s called me at all for anything! I just filled out an application online 5 minutes ago & I’m debating on going out tomorrow to look.

    Ah ha! I knew someone from here would be in Sami’s group! I love that everyone is accessible.

    I could be grumpy because I am in Boy Mode, trying to make this or that happen. Funny that as soon as I go back to this mode, E and I get all weird

    I think I just needed to purge today. E & my aunt took a ride tonight and I just knew that they’d be talking about me

    I expected alot of negativity. The usual tirade about me not cooking, cleaning, etc

    She said he’s frustrated because he wants things to be different. He wants us to do things together, he wants us to go places together..and the kicker for me was that he complained that I won’t let him buy me stuff? I guess he wanted to buy me more clothes or sneakers and I wouldn’t let him

    She also said that with our place being so small, it’s hard to find personal space so I need to make an effort to get out so he can miss me, get out & find a hobby until I can work

    Soooooo that’s it for tonight, thanks ladies! Oh yeah Starla lol kick me anyways 🙂



  300.  #300Beloved on March 14, 2016 at 8:23 pm

    Azure – oh, ouch, i feel achey all over! I’m slathering live all over my feelings. My conference is in Utah. I feel caught off-guard. He took all of the towels TG gave us to use because they are *his* now. Took a vase off the back of the toilet because it’s *his* now. Hahaha if he gets freaked out at the sight of a grion woman crying, he’s going to have a blast with his newly pregnant wife and future baby.

    I do feel there is something for me to see and learn in this so I will sit with it and ask my inner being.



  301.  #301Millie on March 14, 2016 at 9:34 pm

    Hi Ladies,

    I’ve been feeling so much better lately, healing and feeling confident and having fun! I went off of birth control and also started receiving coaching, so I think both of those things have really been helping me!! I have noticed a huge difference in my negative self and the amount of time/energy I feed it!

    I’ve been having SOOOO much fun with my friend T and all his lovely masculine and positive, smiling, laughing, flirty energy.

    My date this wknd went well, although I don’t feel attracted to the guy….meh. He did everything right, was a complete gentleman, but I felt a little bored. When you lean back and let them lead, sometimes you find yourself not saying anything and them not saying anything either.

    M keeps texting…he offered to pay for me to go visit him. He asks me about my dating life, my s*x life…when I asked him about dating again he said maybe. Part of me wants to cut him off, the other says that this is his way of testing the waters…Can I go and have NO expectations except to have fun and enjoy the moment, not worry about the future or his feelings or lack thereof! But then again, if he’s not showing me now that his feelings go beyond…then why bother..ugh I don’t want to think about it much anymore, lean back time, just wanted to share.

    how is everybody doing?



  302.  #302Beloved on March 14, 2016 at 10:20 pm

    I wish I had been the “you wish” woman. Sigh.



  303.  #303Liquid Light on March 14, 2016 at 10:54 pm

    I just had the weirdest thing happen over the weekend. I had an art opening – a couple pieces in a group show – and had invited a bunch of people from different parts of my life. I number of people said they would come and was expecting them. But then I was totally surprised when I saw that someone that I had worked with a few years ago showed up. I was shocked actually because he hadn’t responded to the email so didn’t expect that he would come at all.

    What was even more surprising was how nice it was to see him. I started feeling excited about being around him. This really surprised me because I hadn’t thought of him like that at all. He stayed for a while and was really nice and fun. I enjoyed his energy and the attraction I was feeling. Then he left and that was that.

    The coolest part of the whole thing is that the buzz I was feeling made me realize that I am finally ready to open my heart again! Woohoooo!!!



  304.  #304Azure Blu on March 14, 2016 at 11:03 pm

    Liquid Light.
    How cool to be in a gallery show! Congratulations!

    Mmmm… I feel very happy to hear about
    Your Opening Heart!! and the wonderful Spring
    HUmmmmm… Buzz you are feeling!

    You So definitely sound Light er (no pun intended!)
    Amazing stuff you’ve been doing with “the Work”
    oxoxo



  305.  #305Azure Blu on March 15, 2016 at 6:00 am

    Beloved…
    What do you mean… the “you wish”woman?



  306.  #306Beloved on March 15, 2016 at 7:27 am

    Azure – oh, FeminineWoman posted I think a Bob Proctor stiry about a man who tried to tell a woman it wasn’t working out and she smiled and said “you wish”.
    And, she isn’t me, I said this isn’t how I want to feel, this isn’t what I want, I asked what he thought. So, that’s me, the rral me responding, not my fantasy ideal and my job is to love and accept me and the way it happened. Funny thing is, he’s been talking all kinds of trash about our other roommate but when he gaver her notice he assured her it wasn’t personal.

    So, in the midst of feeling so sh!tty, I late – night texted D, who responded early am and left me feeling quite happy, satisfied and turned on. 😀 I trolled Tinder and FB for cheering up, told people I felt sad and didn’t want to dwell on it, snagged a coffee date (to cheer me up and put a smile on my face! Thanks, sweet man!), felt my feelings while focusing on positive thoughts and redirecting my brain any time I noticed it going to rehash and rewrite the conversation.

    I feel exhausted and grateful for a busy and fun week ahead at the conference. Plus, how wonderful is it that I will be in the same city as my niece and grand niece so we will get to visit!?!

    Even in the midst of it all… Happythankyoumoreplease 😉



  307.  #307Azure Blu on March 15, 2016 at 8:10 am

    (((Beloved)))
    I am very inspired by how authentic you were with C!!

    To me it sounds like he he had NO Intentions of renting rooms to anyone!!!
    of course he would have to be rude and unpleasant
    to get you guys out of there!!
    Such a JERK!

    Mmmmm… love how you are open to receiving all the wonderful attention and yumminess from everyone…
    So happy for you that you get to
    get the Hell out of Dodge for a week!
    AND see family!!
    it should be beautiful out there!



  308.  #308BeLoved on March 15, 2016 at 9:53 am

    Azure Blu thanks so much for your warm, loving attention 🙂
    It does seem to me that he just said anything to get what he wanted. There are other things that I just won’t get into, again, learning not to dwell on it and feel happy and good riddance of another exhausting person in my life.



  309.  #309Liquid Light on March 15, 2016 at 12:44 pm

    Thanks Azure! Yes, the gallery opening was really fun. I had a bunch of people show up even though the weather was stormy. Everyone seemed to have a good time. And I loved having my family and friends there.. Anyway, thanks again for the support. Yes, I do feel very light (love the pun) and I owe it mostly to doing The Work of Byron Katie. I’m learning how to challenge my negative, stressful thoughts and its really helping me with my relationships. I’m finally seeing how great it feels to feel love towards people (e.g. family) that I had assumed were judging me or not supporting me in some way or another and then to see the reality of it – how loved I am. It feels amazing!!! 🙂

    Good luck with Spirit! I know it will turn out fantastic! You are a sexy Siren and you’ve got this, girl! I have no doubts at all!

    xoxo LL



  310.  #310MissStix on March 15, 2016 at 2:47 pm

    Today i’m feeling bored.
    Was up late at a friends place last night and after I got home I unintentionally fell asleep on the couch until 5 am. I felt confused and groggy and sweaty when I woke up.
    I felt bad for a few minutes that I didn’t go to bed. Then I talked myself out of it. It’s not my job to worry if the man is taken care of. Now that i’ve given my speech and he has chosen to stick around and date me anyways I can relax and allow some space and some flow. I can feel more free to just be. I can feel excited about discovering how that looks now. I can send love to the part of me that stays up late chatting with a gf and then passes out on the couch to a cheesy movie. Exactly what would have gone down if there was no man living with me. Love to the part of me that only thought about what I wanted in the moment and did it.

    The man suggested a tentative movie date for tonight. It’s half price. “See how we feel” kind of thing.
    Today in the shower I became aware of the fact that before the past 2 years or so I used to do fun things all the time. Weekend camping trips, snowboarding, beach walks, road trips, vacations, forest hikes etc etc
    I miss it. I’m bored! So bored. Sleep, eat, work, yoga, repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat.

    I feel a withering in my back and shoulders.
    I know This is part of why I wanted to do the wedding thing so urgently. Something to DO.
    So begins The Quest to Do.
    The intention is to find like a thousand things to do.
    Even if it’s just a scenic walk I will DO something at least 5 times a week.



  311.  #311Rori Raye on March 16, 2016 at 10:58 am

    Amber – Dominique at http://www.coachingwithdominique.com – is who you want to talk to! This is her experience also, and she’s now effortlessly and gloriously married to her man…Love, Rori



  312.  #312Rori Raye on March 16, 2016 at 11:06 am

    Amy, your whole and only problem is the EXCLUSIVITY!!! STOP THAT NOW!!!! Talking to him and dating him – no problem there! It’s the boyfriend/girlfriend thing that’s imaginary until he’s unmarried and living on his own or with you – and that’s making you crazy… If you don’t know about Circular Dating, what it is and how you can do it comfortably, read my ebook, or get with one of my coaches! Sami Wunder http://www.samiwundercoaching.com not only lives in Paris, she’s Indian, and will understand your man and know exactly what to do! Love, Rori