How To Meet The Perfect Man

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Here’s a great guest post from my best friend and amazing relationship coach Virginia Clark of http://www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com

by Virginia Clark

It makes sense that if you exist so does your perfect partner.

If you don’t believe this maybe you’re making excuses for being single because you’ve become discouraged and you’ve lost hope over time.

When you give up on your dream of finding a good man it can be a form of self-sabotage. Let’s face it; it’s hard to keep believing in your dream of marriage when it’s taking longer than you had hoped.

So you may find yourself making excuses as to why you just can’t find the right man.

One of the most common excuses I hear women make revolve around where they live.

Do any of these sound familiar?

“In Los Angeles there are no good men, they are all superficial and all they want is a beautiful woman on their arm” or “I live in such a small town, there’s no one here I can relate to or who has my interests” or “In New York City women out-number men so men have so many women to choose from, they don’t want to commit.

As soon as you blame your singleness on circumstances outside of yourself you end up giving away your power and creating a frame of mind that will keep love away.

Another common lament I hear is “men just want a younger woman and not someone their own age.”

If this is what you’re telling yourself, you are making what you’re thinking a self-fulfilling prophecy and keeping love away. I admit, there is some truth in all these statements and there are men that fit all these complaints, but those are not the men who are right for you!

If you exist, so does he! You just haven’t met him yet.

So don’t make your search for your man that much harder on yourself. You will meet him faster if you believe he’s there.

Here’s the truth: you are responsible for putting out the “vibe” that will attract the right man to you.

If you believe he’s out there, you will have that “vibe” and you’ll be much more available and open to him when he shows up. If you don’t believe he’s there, you could miss him completely.

Ultimately you are the one who needs to recognize him when he shows up, and expecting him is like opening the door.
“There is no remedy for love but to love more.”

~Henry David Thoreau

Love,

Posted in

1 Comments

  1.  #1Mel on September 20, 2012 at 6:32 am

    Turquoise, Re: 985 past post

    I hate when I comment and then a new post goes instantly up. 😉

    I just wanted to add… that I see you living your life and working toward your dreams, and choosing happiness. And I feel confident that if you continue to focus on that and nurture YOU, that the universe will bring you someone special when you’re least expecting it.

    Just be careful not to blow him off like I almost did! LOL



  2.  #2Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 6:42 am

    Mel I was hoping you would be first to post on this thread. I think it speaks to your situation, proof of what you posted to Turq.



  3.  #3Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 6:46 am

    If you believe he’s out there, you will have that “vibe” and you’ll be much more available and open to him when he shows up.



  4.  #4ruth on September 20, 2012 at 6:55 am

    Senara

    thank you for your post to me on the last thread

    One day at a time is so very very true

    Im impatient to heal and it cant be rushed I guess



  5.  #5Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 6:57 am

    I feel the impatience too and each time I read someone else’s story I just feel like crying. For you. me, for all of us.



  6.  #6Senara on September 20, 2012 at 6:58 am

    Ruth, I believe it’s better not to rush as you might miss some very important stuff to work on.

    Easy does it! 🙂



  7.  #7Mel on September 20, 2012 at 6:58 am

    Belle,

    If you don’t mind my asking, what line of work are you in or would like to be doing?

    I was also very concerned about money when things ended. There was quite a bit of debt from the marriage (I’m still working on it!) and I definitely had to “demote” myself in terms of living arrangements.

    I located myself just out of town, where the rent was only half as much, and found myself a really tiny little place. It was clean and comfortable, but tiny. I came to love the tiny-ness. I painted the walls, bought all my furniture from a used online source (kijiji) and payed hardly anything for it. A lot of people list things for “free” even.

    I made a budget, and found that on my own it was so much easier to stick to it. I’m actually quite good with money, but with my ex, we never seemed to have enough.

    I took a few freelance gigs for extra money, and that helped me pay off a couple debts.

    While I am still not debt free, I am definitely making progress and it feels good to never have to use my credit card.

    You can do it sweetie!



  8.  #8Tam on September 20, 2012 at 7:01 am

    He is out there!! Yay!!



  9.  #9ruth on September 20, 2012 at 7:01 am

    5 FW

    Now I feel like crying too

    But I feel hugged as well

    These hormones——–



  10.  #10Mel on September 20, 2012 at 7:01 am

    Kyla,

    Nice to see you back! I also feel happy to read your updates and see how well you are doing. If I recall… I think we live fairly close to each other, don’t we?



  11.  #11Senara on September 20, 2012 at 7:03 am

    FW, all these years of “waiting” and “working” on myself were exactly what I needed. It took me years to reverse bad patterns that brought me nowhere and now that I’m where I’m at, I feel grateful for the years of questioning. Had I not been that far in the “wrong” lane, I probably wouldn’t be where I am now and I like where I am now!



  12.  #12Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 7:04 am

    I just heard that the test did not go well



  13.  #13Mel on September 20, 2012 at 7:06 am

    ((((FW)))) Is there an opportunity to re-write it?



  14.  #14ruth on September 20, 2012 at 7:07 am

    FW
    🙁



  15.  #15Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 7:08 am

    I don’t know. 3 of us did it and I don’t know how the others did but noticed the second person who sits close to me was not called in.



  16.  #16Tam on September 20, 2012 at 7:10 am

    ((((FW)))) sorry to hear..



  17.  #17Belle on September 20, 2012 at 7:11 am

    FW

    I feel grateful that you can relate!
    I keep coming back in a tighter and tighter spiral…
    focus on what my soul wants to express, focus on what G0d wants to express through me, keep coming back to that trust in my inner wisdom and all will be well.

    You know, I’ve been thinking about this logistics career off and on for about a year, and I have been so far up my own arse I didn’t even realize my BIL and sister have been in logistics forever.
    I have had such narrow judgments about working in the corporate world, and wanting to live the life of a gypsy that I couldn’t see how my sister has grown in ways that I’ve been immature.
    On the flip side, I know I’ve grown in ways that she hasn’t mastered yet (like…boundaries with grown children!) but anyway, that’s beside the point.

    It’s all good, though, everything in it’s own time.

    I do know he exists, I feel him in my heart.
    I feel like the whole universe conspired to create my niece’s wedding to show me what real love can be like. My family is so beautiful and amazing and reflect to me how it can be easy and comfortable to embrace the inner drama queen 🙂 and have that be fun and lovable.

    Mkay. Breathing. Moving on. Back to work.



  18.  #18Goddess Lily on September 20, 2012 at 7:13 am

    I needed this. I’m gonna get my head (and emotions) in the game. Vibe change begins now. My amazing man IS out there. He is available and he is searching for me right now.



  19.  #19Belle on September 20, 2012 at 7:21 am

    7
    Mel
    Thank you!
    What I’m hearing is that I need to re-write my money story.
    I have had sloppy habits with money.
    I owned my own business several years ago and was making obscene amounts of money and have nothing to show for it.
    I wouldn’t even buy myself a new car! I had money to buy a new one cash but I wouldn’t buy one! I spent ridiculous amounts of money on used cars from shady people and shady deals and …ick.
    As a matter of fact, now that I think about it – I used to be an excellent bargain shopper and dress professionally and take a lot of pride in looking good even casually.
    The more money I made, the worse I dressed.

    Worthiness stuff around money…
    Yes,
    I can do this.
    I can do this.
    This can all change. I know it, I feel it, yes yes yes.



  20.  #20Brandylion on September 20, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Belle, #994 from the last thread:

    “(Noticing a fear that if I let go and get involved in my life I will end up so involved in my career that I won’t even want or need a relationship and I’ll wake up again realizing another 40 years of my life has passed and I’ve missed out on having the lifepartner I want…yup, that’s it, that hit a nerve, the tears are flowing…”

    Gack! Me too! I spent the whole decade of my 20s too afraid to try even online dating and I just focused on my career and doing things that interested me, and I feel SO AFRAID that if I return to focusing on my life that another decade will go by before I know it and I’ll still be single and childless.



  21.  #21LiliBee on September 20, 2012 at 7:30 am

    993: Femininewoman says:

    “No LiliBee. When we do it first, it inspires him.
    Demanding will always be met with resistance.”

    I put ‘demanding’ between ” coz it did feel weird to use that word and I didn’t grasp why.

    Thank You for spelling it out to me FW 🙂
    I do get resistance.



  22.  #22Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 7:40 am

    @ 5 (((((((((((((((((((Feminine Woman))))))))))))))))))))



  23.  #23MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 7:43 am

    Knowing that my mr. right was out there is about the only thing I retained when I did my “re-boot”.

    It was like a broken record in the back of my mind and it started playing even before I left my husband. This makes me lol 🙂 I knew it was not him before I left him.



  24.  #24Senara on September 20, 2012 at 7:46 am

    “Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson



  25.  #25BAB on September 20, 2012 at 7:47 am

    Its a great morning! 🙂

    Something funny happened last night.
    My bf opened up again about his feelings and inner thoughts and things he’s fighting with, with-in himself.
    And i was sitting there listening interjecting when it seemed appropriate, but for the most part just listening.
    When he said “Sorry im babbling” I said your not, I understand you need to talk too. and he said “I guess im just letting you in deeper, and im worried about what your gonna say/think”
    I was happy at this, because i felt that meant that i was doing better at being open and that my energy must be feeling more relaxed to him.
    Have any of you ladies had this happen before?



  26.  #26MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 7:49 am

    Last night’s dinner for my mom went ok…G was grumpy, and I was grumpy. But I stuck to my FM’s and I don’t feel bad about us being grumpy. It’s ok grumpy couple! Things will sort themselves out.

    At one point my mom and G were joking because I said “We are not going to live together…” in response to something my mom said. She said “says the girl who is already living at his place” and G said “Yeah we really do live together!”

    I felt angry. I felt grrr like…who are you people to joke about this right now. I don’t want to hear it! So I blurted “Yeah! That’s why I have all my stuff in my trunk to bring home with me…” Then I felt really grrrrrrrrr and even more grumpy puss b1tchy for the rest of the night.



  27.  #27Miss Bells on September 20, 2012 at 7:52 am

    Sitting here in the early morning. HS is still asleep. He will give me a ride to my new house this morning with a dozen more boxes.
    I am starting to form a plan. Get as much stuff out as I can, everything really important to me. Consolidate the rest so that anyone could move it for me. Finish loading his book project onto Kindle and get paid what he owes.
    After that it gets a little hazier.
    If he isn’t “in love” with me i can’t have him around me. I know that he loves me–but that isn’t quite what I want, is it?
    I could just do a fade out, become very unavailable, and see what happens.
    I could do a power speech.
    In the meantime I am just being—without putting much into it.
    I hope Sunday I can get a big load out of here.



  28.  #28MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 7:52 am

    Love to my mommy because I usually tell her everything but I have been too frustrated and busy to relay to her what is going on right now. She did not know…



  29.  #29MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 7:55 am

    BAB

    Oh yes…Sometimes they will open up and let us in. It’s a good thing!

    Remember these things:

    Do not advise.

    Do not console.

    Do not take offense.

    DO say “mmmhmmm” and “ok” and “oh yes I hear you!”



  30.  #30BAB on September 20, 2012 at 8:03 am

    Oh good! I don’t think i did any of thoes:/ But i will keep them in the back of my mind for next time:) If i console, its more of a “Ohh” or “aww” with a sad face.
    And i feel happy to say i did not take offense when he inadvertently compared me to his computer lol when he was saying he used to feel like he had to split his spare time between his computer time and me time.. I just smiled because it honestly made me laugh inside.



  31.  #31Senara on September 20, 2012 at 8:07 am

    Bab, that is great that he opened up! I feel kind of envious now.



  32.  #32BAB on September 20, 2012 at 8:10 am

    Yes it felt wonderful! Don’t be envious just think how wonderful its gonna be when your man does it too or again! 🙂



  33.  #33Kyla on September 20, 2012 at 8:11 am

    Mel – yes! i’m in the GTA 🙂



  34.  #34Miss Bells on September 20, 2012 at 8:11 am

    Just as I was finishing my last post he woke up and came up behind me and started rubbing my back. I showed him the Youtube account I made for his band.
    The back rubbing, the kisses when he feels relaxed, the nights out dancing, the little dinners, the Saturday trips to the ocean.
    And yet we are “friends” and he pulls back from actually sleeping with me because he knows what it means. This fake “friends” phase started in January of this year. The chasing women started in June.
    For about four and a half years we were a couple. Most of the people we know think we are married, and not because I told them that. I got tired of correcting. I am in my mid-fifties, and he is 63. We aren’t kids and he has had plenty of time to make up his mind.
    Rori says a woman should never have to pretend to be just friends with a man she is in love with.
    So there I have it…. I just can’t do this pretending crap anymore.
    I am leaning towards high scarcity with no explanation.
    Then–I can give a speech when he comes after me-and he will.



  35.  #35Kyla on September 20, 2012 at 8:13 am

    (((((((Femininewoman)))))))

    pour some love on it. you are healing, for me, there is no healed 🙂



  36.  #36Goddess Lily on September 20, 2012 at 8:14 am

    I just had the opportunity to use a FM with a male coworker in another state and I chickened out 🙁



  37.  #37Senara on September 20, 2012 at 8:16 am

    Bab, I’ll probably fall off my chair if he ever does!



  38.  #38Senara on September 20, 2012 at 8:20 am

    Aww, Goddess Lily, it’s ok, maybe try another time?

    I hate it when I do that too or think of one very good FM I could’ve said right after the conversation is over. Annoying.



  39.  #39BAB on September 20, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Senara, That’s what i thought too, and when it happened i was surprised how nonchalant it felt. Maybe i was expecting singing angles or something. lol



  40.  #40LiliBee on September 20, 2012 at 8:34 am

    I’ve been pondering wether I should say anything to D or not before we go anywhere together after we’ve had the idon’tknowhowmany tiff about the same thing.

    Whatever I run away from, it doesn’t seem to get resolved.
    After BW’s post, I feel at my core that it won’t until I express my core feelings what’s lying beneath it all.

    The core of it all to me:
    When someone does not hold to their word/promises, I feel inscecure,
    I feel hanging in the air with no ground to stand on, like the floor pulling out from under my feet,
    that feels scary,
    I don’t feel safe to be OK floating in the air like that,
    it makes me want to grab on and control everything.
    I don’t want to feel that way in a relationship.

    Makes me wonder about “promises”.
    What if we just promised to be open and honest?
    …and see if we ‘feel’ committed instead of the other way around: promising comittment and feeling pressure to live up to it?

    Promising commitment is fine, but the feeling the pressure to live up to it…Shouldn’t we just simply ‘feel’ comitted, feel motivated to.
    The feeling motivated, to want, to be ‘comitted’ isn’t that worth more than a promise?

    I feel like letting go of promises, at the same time, it feels so scary to do so.
    I want a man to feel ‘inspired to be’ comitted, not feel like he has to promise it and feel pressure to live up to promises.

    What would a short, true concise FM look like around this?…or maybe a speech?

    What do you all think?



  41.  #41Annie on September 20, 2012 at 8:36 am

    Ty Senara.



  42.  #42Senara on September 20, 2012 at 8:38 am

    Yeah, I think I could keep a nonchalant behaviour if I put my mind to it. But I would most surely do a little happy dance in private, though!! 😀



  43.  #43Starla on September 20, 2012 at 8:39 am

    This post came at the right time. I was just commuting to work thinking “I feel lonely. None of these several guys I’m seeing is right for me.”



  44.  #44Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 8:39 am

    Being comfortable with incertainty???

    hhhmm



  45.  #45Senara on September 20, 2012 at 8:39 am

    Yw Annie.



  46.  #46Tam on September 20, 2012 at 8:44 am

    43 (((Starla))) oh don’t I know how that feels…and so we surf on through the waves of men… 😉



  47.  #47Tam on September 20, 2012 at 8:46 am

    44 – FW, that is the crux of it or me
    ‘being comfortable about uncertainty’ and letting go of control knowing that I will be ok because I HAVE ME.
    It’s easier said than done..



  48.  #48MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 8:47 am

    Something on the FB page really got me to thinking about my male friends and my personality shift when I am around them. I have never really thought about HOW I do this…I have always just kind of done it. I find it incredibly easy to sink into being “dude”. I can see now how I struggled with being a feminine and feeling woman in my married relationship. I know aspects of that came out on occasion….But I think I fought and struggled with my girl because my boy is so much more comfortable around men.

    I realize that my ex has always called me dude. We were great friends, and sex partners, and cuddle buddies but never really lovers. I have a clear picture of why he sought out girlie girls and why other girls recieved things from him that I never recieved. When this happened I went into full on b1tchy convince mode. I remember saying once “But she will never love you like I do!” Ouch. I hope I don’t need to explain everything that is wrong with that statement. I was my own worst enemy. Though I am grateful now. He was never really my mr. right. I know now that I could have him wrapped around my little finger if I wanted. Wayyyyy more than any other girl ever has with him. I know that man SO well I could play him like a little fiddle. But that’s not what I want. So I won’t attempt it. :p

    Lord have I learned a lot!!!!

    Now I barely remember why I started this post lol mmmmm digression. Oh yes this stuff is delicious perspective.



  49.  #49MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 8:59 am

    BAB 30

    🙂

    hmmm I don’t see “awww” or sadface or such things as consoling. Just an expression of a reactive emotion which is cool!

    “Awww it will be ok!” or “how can I help you feel better?”. These are consoling (to me at least) and i’ve never had a good response to this.

    I slipped up last night very briefly. When G said offhandedly and annoyed “I’m not gonna be home till 10 o’clock!” I said “oh it’s ok baby you can leave whenever you want!” OOOOPS!!!!!! Needless to say he did not respond well! But it was minor. He just spat out “Pfft I KNOW that.” *eyeroll* But I knew what I had done so I immediately caught myself and sunk into how his reaction made me feel. I rubbed my forehead and when he asked what was wrong I said “I’m feeling stressed. I feel grumpy.” He softened and said “Yeah…Me too.”



  50.  #50Kyla on September 20, 2012 at 9:00 am

    Miss Belle – re: posts 27 and 34
    wow reading that felt so powerful and inspiring and i could feel my head nodding along like it was trying to say “yes! yes!”
    you seem to be embarking on an amazing adventure 🙂



  51.  #51MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 9:03 am

    Ick…ewwwww I re-read my other post and it just hit it home. “play him like a fiddle” ewwww I don’t even like thinking about that. Not what I want! I want no man I feel fully comfortable with, or in control of. Gross.



  52.  #52Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 9:05 am

    I struggle so much with being comfortable with uncertainty. I want strong surrender with a man at the helm. It feels uncomfortable and fearful but I can practice one moment at a time. One step at a time. One thing at a time.



  53.  #53MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 9:07 am

    I giggled inside when my mom saw G last night when we arrived. hehe she said “G I am 59 years old today and I make you look like an old man! Why do you look so tired?” Then she swung a couch pillow at him. 😀 ahhhhhh giggly I love my mommy she is so cute and a true siren!! All the old dudes hit on her when we’re out and about!



  54.  #54Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 9:07 am

    “I want no man I feel fully comfortable with”

    I want a man I feel comfortable with. As if I can say anything to.



  55.  #55Tam on September 20, 2012 at 9:08 am

    Oh the sweet taste of overfunctioning. My father’s wife is just rushing through the whole house trying to clean everything and my dad is reading the papers. Considering she gets home 2 hours later than him and does everything and then he grumbles if he even has to fetch her from the trainstation if there is a thunderstorm….crazy.
    Take note ladies. He was not always like this, but her favourite sayings are:
    ‘don’t do it this way’
    ‘let me do this’
    ‘you don’t need to’
    ‘you are doing this wrong’
    and placating when he had a bad day at work, like this ‘aaaaaaaaaw poor you’ (as if he is a baby and not a man), and then we have to walk on eggshells while he insults everybody or gets really grumpy.

    No wonder. I have given up also, one week before my departure. I cleaned and cooked a lot but seems never good enough, using the wrong pots, pans, spoons – spare me. That’s what you get when you are an absolute control freak…you get nothing basically except control and being worn out and miserable because despite best efforts, you simply can’t control everything. Why even try?

    I remember when I was helping MrP get his house into order…and this was the second time and I *had* read RR stuff already. At one point he stopped me as I was kneeling down doing something and he said ‘oh no, you don’t need to do THAT, I don’t ever want to see you on the floor in my house, that’s just not right’…and he had a go himself – he made a pretty bad job of it, but I just looked at him and said: ‘oh, I didn’t know you could clean so well, so now I see you don’t need my help anymore, and I am just going to sit over there and watch you’. So I sat and watched with coffee – he was super smiley and I was happy. Who cares that the stain was still there in the end?
    Letting go of control and the need to be perfect felt super good.

    I pretty much just drank coffee or wine and ate a lot (all supplied enthusiastically), and looked pretty that weekend….as well as being treated like a queen with boattrips and sightseeing tours. Win-win situation.

    I could never go back to overfunctioning – and I used to be an expert at it….and it just ruined everything and really emasculated also. Never again. Men are not babies, we don’t need to mother them.



  56.  #56Tam on September 20, 2012 at 9:11 am

    54 FW, me too. I want to be able to tell a man anything without feeling inadequate or ‘less than’ (I might not tell him everything but want to be able to, feel like I could).
    I want to be very comfortable with a man.



  57.  #57Tam on September 20, 2012 at 9:13 am

    ..feeling comfortable with someone is not the same as ‘being in control’ of a person…it’s simply feeling comfortable, isn’t it?
    Being in control of anyone or anything is an illusion anyway.



  58.  #58Dominique on September 20, 2012 at 9:14 am

    Femininewoman – Is the sure, or are you guessing? Hugs to you either way.

    xxoo



  59.  #59MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 9:14 am

    OMG Super giggly at a memory of our cruise this year…I went with mom and her sister and her daughter. Mommy, daughter-aunty cousin cruise! It was fun! But on one of the formal nights my mom was lookin SMOKIN’ and we were walking through the sliding doors to the deck when they opened and a very hansome and confident looking man was behind them directly in front of my mom. He stopped DEAD in his tracks and said out loud “woah”! I literally bust out as he watched her walk by.

    Now my mom’s a hotty in my mind, and she does look younger than 59 but she’s no “milf”. She’s just….A normal looking older woman. But there’s something about her…This is why I call her a siren.



  60.  #60Goddess Lily on September 20, 2012 at 9:15 am

    Well crap. I just told the story to my friend and he started laughing. He brought up another problem. Heres the story:

    One of my friends is moving to the city where the coworker lives so I decided to ask him if there was a better or worse side of town….and I wanted to talk to him. So he asks “is he single?“ At the time I was wondering how he knew my friend was a guy. But then laughing friend automatically assumed he was asking because hes interested in my male friend instead of me. Wtf? I didn’t even see that but I guess thats possible. I guess a FM would not have mattered.

    This could also explain why when I was in his city he made no attempt to hang out. Although he is always calling me pretty over messenger. Idk.



  61.  #61bloom-ing on September 20, 2012 at 9:17 am

    tam, your post – i feel so tired & yesterday i said oh baby i feel so sleepy, wanna go to bed soon ? & he said, no i want to eat dinner. i said, oh hm i don’t. & he said, ok. & i said i just want cantaloupe & frozen yogurt so he brought them to me & he said want cookies ? & i said YES so he brought me warm baked cookies ??? idk how that happened…. lol & he hates to bake but they were our favorite recipe…. so i did say, well can i make you a salad for dinner? & he said, no, i’ll make myself something. & this morning he was all cuddly to me & i said no sex, ok i have chores & i’m already late, so he traded me sex for my chores : ) lol so if i were keeping score which i’m not i traded Making Dinner for fresh cookies & Chores for affection. i’ll take that trade. i accept ! thank you ! mm i still feel so tired i can barely make a capital letter if i want to… : ) hehe



  62.  #62MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 9:18 am

    hmmm I feel misunderstood.

    It’s ok though I don’t say what I say so others understand.I say it so I understand. Do I understand what I meant when I said “I want no man I feel fully comfortable with OR in control of?” yes. I do. Yep. So it’s ok. No explanation needed.



  63.  #63MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 9:29 am

    mmmmm yes! I want a man to keep me on my toes a little bit. I want to feel like WOAH and think “Wow he is manly and strong and powerful! And I am womanly and soft and strong and powerful!” mmmm and hehe eek! He could pounce on me at any second and send me into fits of giggles and it could turn hot and mmmmmm you’re just a little dangerous and I like that. I can say and do whatever my little heart desires because it’s cool. But that doesn’t mean i’m fully comfy…No. That means I am secure. Ohhhhh big powerful man feels hot anger and annoying irritation sometimes. I don’t like it and I feel frightened when this happens but it’s ok little girl. Because you still feel secure? Yep! I do! So that means I can say “oh that feels bad and scary” and he will support me and comfort me. He will soften and kiss my eyebrow and run his hand down the side of my hair like he does.



  64.  #64lilybelly on September 20, 2012 at 9:30 am

    985: (From previous post)

    Mel, I know I have told you this before but Sister, you were amazing! And, still are.

    xoxoxo



  65.  #65Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 9:31 am

    i found out that jack cd is seeing someone long-distance from a girlfriend of mine.

    the first emotion i felt was extreme anger.

    and then i felt panicky tight and teary inside.

    rage.

    the thing is, he chose not to tell me, and he didn’t have to tell me.

    i didn’t ask, and he didn’t feel the need to offer that information.

    i just feel really stupid.

    and mr. stares-me-down hasn’t spoken to me since we were walking together in the hallways a little over a week ago.

    i can always feel myself putting up walls.
    i always feel fear and discomfort, especially after feeling strange good feelings that I’m not used to.

    I feel so messed up.

    I feel knotty and jumpy and fiery.

    I feel embarassed that this is having such a huge effect on me.

    I feel like I’m going to be judged and hushed and told how pathedic I am.

    I hate how up and down I am.

    I feel emotionally unstable.

    I feel scared that no one is ever going to want such an emotionally unstable person.

    can someone love me, even in instability?

    is that even possible?



  66.  #66MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 9:33 am

    Oh I want to read an historical romance novel today. One with a powerful hero who’s heroine strums his last nerve constantly yet he still needs to have her desperately! Oh mmm 🙂



  67.  #67Heart on September 20, 2012 at 9:36 am

    (((iamabutterfly)))

    you’re feelings are normal.



  68.  #68Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 9:38 am

    it doesn’t help that my room and car are messy, i’ve got too many responsibilites, and i feel lonely and untouched and like an abandoned little girl.

    i want someone, even a mother figure to just hold me and tell me wise things.

    i hate that i could never tell my mother this stuff. it feels so horrible not feeling safe to tell her about my pain and my confusion.

    she doesn’t understand.
    or maybe she undestands too perfectly to be strong enough to ever comfort me.
    i miss my family.
    i feel guilty for not reaching out more.
    i want to be the one who is being reached out to…

    sometimes i feel exhausted just trying to live.

    just trying to breath in and out and get out of bed and go to work and drive here and drive there and serve this person and help that person and hang out with this person who has the exact same problems i have.

    and i feel guilty for doing something fun with new people when i can’t even seem to keep up with basic responsibilities.

    sometimes i just feel exhausted and numb.

    and that’s not being a juicy feeling creature.

    and sometimes i feel so high that i could fly, and it’s like i don’t even live here on earth.

    but then i’ll feel low like today.



  69.  #69Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 9:40 am

    @67 Heart – thank you, Heart! I feel heard and supported.



  70.  #70MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 9:43 am

    (((Iamabutterfly)))

    I don’t see any of this as “unstable” I see it as healthy emotion.

    Stability comes with allowing, being ok with, and even loving your emotions. Ick. I don’t even like the word “stability”. It’s just more like…When we are ok with our emotions and don’t really require any result or specific outcome and just allow them to be what they are then they don’t quite seem so “crazy” or “unstable” to us or even others.



  71.  #71MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Hmmmm Just because an emotion feels bad doesn’t mean it IS bad.

    Ohhh some clarity there! So important to say I FEEL angry. Or I FEEL sad. Instead of I AM angry. Or I AM sad. Because we feel these emotions. We do not become them….



  72.  #72MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 9:48 am

    Could a siren imagine ever saying “I am bad?” When something feels bad?

    No….

    So I wonder why any of us have ever, or would ever jump to saying “I am sad” or “I am angry.”.



  73.  #73Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 9:54 am

    i have this nagging suspicion that jack cd isn’t sure how i feel about him.

    how can he be sure how i feel about him if i don’t know how i feel about him?

    when i feel emotions, i tell him, i do. usually. i think?

    i feel like i somehow always end up talking more than he does.

    i feel like i can tell him anything. and whenever i think he’s going to judge me or not accept me, he surprises me and says something supportive and wonderful.

    i love just sitting on the couch with him.

    but we don’t date.

    we run into each other a lot and end up talking.

    when we were talking the other night, his body language was very leaning into me and mirroring me, but then it was like he stopped himself and leaned back against the wall. it felt strange.

    i hate how much i care about him!
    we’re not even dating!
    why do i care so much about him!
    this feels so embarassing!

    i hate how i don’t know how to listen and talk!
    we never listened and talked in my family.
    there was always tension. always.
    my parents, they tried, and they were such good people.
    they are such good people!

    but i would always feel this strange relief whenever we would visit my grandparents’ homes.

    like it was safer there.
    like I was safer there.
    like I could eat and rest and be loved unconditionally.

    like i could be loved for not “doing” anything, but just for “being.”

    i really want to write my grandma now.

    i’m so happy she’s still alive.
    she is a strong, beautiful woman.

    i feel like i have such a hard time connecting with her sometimes though, because of generational differences, and because of her health difficulties.



  74.  #74Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 9:58 am

    when i went home this last time, for a brief moment, i felt like i could rest.

    i feel like i don’t have time to sink into feminine energy, and it hurts.

    feminine energy feels like a luxury that i somehow don’t deserve.

    it’s hard for me to sink into it.
    so hard!

    there’s too much to do and i’m just a girl!



  75.  #75Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 9:59 am

    @70 (((((Miss Stix))))) – thank you. I feel unsure, though. i feel like someone “more emotionally stable” will be chosen over me. simply because she doesn’t have these issues. or knows how to handle them better or something



  76.  #76Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 10:02 am

    i really, really, really want to date without going on a dating website.

    guys always come into my field of vision, but they never ask me out, and i’m wondering if i’m doing something wrong.

    like maybe i go into expectant, masculine energy without realizing it, and kill my chances?

    i don’t understand.
    meeting men is not the problem for me.
    not getting asked out is the problem.

    i could really use some free therapy, lol.

    any advice?



  77.  #77Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 10:03 am

    Guessing what Dominique?



  78.  #78Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 10:06 am

    or maybe i throw up my “walls of protection” and kill my juicy feeling vibe…



  79.  #79Starla on September 20, 2012 at 10:09 am

    i feel all firey and warm and burning bright thinking about the leaves that are about to change colors in my city for autumn

    i feel all crisp and alive and primal and smokey like a fireplace thinking of the weather changing.

    and… it feels so intense, i want to share it with a man because it feels almost sexual to me and i find it to be seductive

    and that’s kinda funny but i’m just being honest that i feel like seducing a man with my autumn thoughts.

    and i feel guilty and bad about this because i don’t want to have to DO anything to build attraction

    and i feel disappointed with myself that my own vibrant, burning thoughts are not enough as just my own — that i want to share them for an outcome.

    i feel confused.



  80.  #80Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 10:10 am

    I was just told by my male supervisor that I am closest to “in my part of the world where I am from, we mourn together. So when you are ready I am here. I know it hurts as hell”.



  81.  #81MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 10:10 am

    ((((Iama))))

    Nope nope nope. A woman does not get chosen for her ability to “handle” emotions. On the flipside, she may be passed up over an INability to handle them.

    But hmmmm how do I express this?

    Letting go of “I can’t handle this” doesn’t mean we have to handle it…. It’s the beautiful gray area in between that makes us sirens!

    Not “handling” it, but at the same time not thinking “I can’t handle this!”. Realizing you don’t have to handle it. Letting whatever it is, just be, whatever it is! Even if it’s hard and grrrrrr and “F@ck this!”. It is what it is, and there’s a purpose for it and a lesson in it. I believe this is true strength.



  82.  #82Goddess Lily on September 20, 2012 at 10:10 am

    Iama,

    When you figure out the secret let me know. Maybe it’s the same as this blog topic. Rather than looking around trying to spot the man, maybe we walk around imagining him. That would change the vibe to give off….thinking about how amazing Mr. Wonderful will be when he shows up.



  83.  #83Radlove on September 20, 2012 at 10:13 am

    I noticed that whenever I am on a first date with a new man, my defenses are way up, along with feeling nervous. I have to fight myself to keep my walls down. I feel like resisting at every turn. So this is one of the things lil girl and I have to come to terms with. I think it is part of my inner healing.



  84.  #84Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Thing is the last time we had a heart to heart I broke down so I now I feel concern that it might be experienced as manpulative. I also want to sit with my feelings and let it sink in. Although I feel devastated. As if all my dreams just cumbled in front of me. Even though I am acutely aware that it is just one dream.

    I am also acutely aware that I withdraw into myself when I feel hurt. He invited me in earlier on when he got the news but I said “later”. This is a pattern for me.



  85.  #85Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 10:15 am

    ((((Iamabutterfly)))
    In your posts, you seem to be gearing towards leaning forward… Please don’t do it right now because you are too upset… Had to put that in.



  86.  #86Heart on September 20, 2012 at 10:16 am

    I believe in a thing called Love



  87.  #87Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 10:16 am

    @80 Femininewoman – that sounds sooooo cozy and comforting. he sounds like a great guy!



  88.  #88Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 10:16 am

    ((((Femininewoman)))
    Would your wise self choose to wait for the test results and be surprised?



  89.  #89Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 10:18 am

    @84 Femininewoman – what happened? i feel guilty that i don’t know what happened to cause you such grief!



  90.  #90MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 10:19 am

    Just listen to the rhythm of my heart….

    🙂



  91.  #91LiliBee on September 20, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Re Lilibee #40:

    ” I feel like letting go of promises, at the same time, it feels so scary to do so.
    I want a man to feel ‘inspired to be’ comitted, not feel like he has to promise it and feel pressure to live up to promises.”

    FW #52 “Living with Uncertainty”:

    I shared this thought with a gf of mine at lunchbreak:
    What would it feel like not having ‘promises’ keep 1 partner feeling emprisoned and the other feeling controlling ?

    She told me her own inspiring story:
    “I would see travel getaways on tv and tell my bf I want to go there.
    He would reply ‘for sure someday’.
    I kept hounding him to take me saying ‘but you always say, your words mean nothing?’
    I got tired of that story.
    I just let him know how much I would love to go, and I dropped it completely.
    After a year of not mentioning 1 single word of it, he made firm comitted plans to go and booked a date.
    No doubts, no ‘thinking about it’, just “we’re going.”

    She jumped at the opportunity and they booked the trip.
    They are all siked to go.

    She said if he would have made a promise, and would have pressured him with that promise, it would have felt blah to be there.
    Now I’m sure it will feel great to be there coz it was all his idea with no pressure from me.
    It feels so special.

    She says she just shares how she feels and what she wants, and learned to let him be.
    He has been appreciating her waaay much more ever since.

    By learning to live with UNCERTAINTY, thus leaving him his freedom, he felt INSPIRED to give her what she wanted.

    And she knows nothing about Rori.

    So if I let go of the promises, accept living with uncertainty, speak my own true feelings…who knows what will happen (letting go of the outcome here).



  92.  #92Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 10:20 am

    @85 Siren Angel – no, I’m not going to lean forward, or at least I’m not planning to intentionally.

    I do feel kind of irritated that saying “hi” to a man who is looking right at you can be construed as leaning forward. (I only did that once though.)



  93.  #93Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 10:22 am

    sometimes “worrying” about “not leaning forward” feels un-natural and like walking on eggshells.

    I don’t think it’s supposed to feel like that!
    when I’m truly, actually doing it, it feels amazing!

    it feels like slowly sinking into deep, breathable water.



  94.  #94Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 10:22 am

    Starla @79,

    Whoah!!! You are the queen of FMs darling! Why are you not out there more? Men should be stumbling on top of one another to get to you, fighting each other off… Ahhhh… I want to FM like you…

    “i feel all firey and warm and burning bright thinking about the leaves that are about to change colors in my city for autumn

    i feel all crisp and alive and primal and smokey like a fireplace thinking of the weather changing.

    and… it feels so intense, i want to share it with a man because it feels almost sexual to me and i find it to be seductive

    and that’s kinda funny but i’m just being honest that i feel like seducing a man with my autumn thoughts.

    and i feel guilty and bad about this because i don’t want to have to DO anything to build attraction

    and i feel disappointed with myself that my own vibrant, burning thoughts are not enough as just my own — that i want to share them for an outcome.

    i feel confused.



  95.  #95lilybelly on September 20, 2012 at 10:23 am

    75:

    Iama…

    I know this feeling. I am going through some significant hormonal changes and it has me feeling like a crazy woman. I think I am a crazy woman at times, crying for no reason or at the slightest little thing and that if HE knows about it, he will leave for someone who isn’t crazy or mental. I mean seriously, the tangents I can go on in my brain…but the one thing that I KNOW for certain is this…

    If a man is yours, truly meant to be with you and is YOUR guy, it won’t matter. He will still love you and take care of you and nourish your soul and heal your heart right along side of you…even when you are a crazy woman, like me.

    I know this because it is my life and HE is in it.



  96.  #96Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 10:28 am

    I feel like an inexperienced idiot, but I know that’s not a true feeling message, and for some reason even that makes me feel angry.

    what’s a good feeling message for that?

    I feel angry, annoyed, childish, scared, shaky, exposed, vulnerable, and teary.

    I feel so hot and shaky.

    I feel explosive and misunderstood (even though I’m probably completely understood by someone out there, and most importantly by G0D.)

    I feel heat and energy flowing in and out and up and down my arms.

    I feel angry that I don’t understand why I feel so angry.

    I feel angry that fear and anger are linked, and I feel angry that I don’t understand the connection.

    I feel scared of being alone.
    I feel scared that I’m never going to figure out all these big secrets that every other woman on the planet seems to somehow instinctively understand.

    it makes me feel so angry when i try to talk through my perceptions and the people I’m sharing it with tell me that “you could just be imagining that.”

    Oh. I’m sorry. My whole life has just been a figment of my imagination.

    How come they (or maybe what I’m really saying here, is “I”) can trust my instincts in every other kind of relationship except for potentially romantic ones.

    I feel so angry and sad and scared!



  97.  #97Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Lilibee,

    Letting go of the outcome, is very much the same as letting go ‘of control’ (of the situation, the relationship, where you sit, what you do) and same as letting go of ‘expectations’… I have the same challenge.

    I have been practicing being in ‘receiving’ mode more, while not ‘expecting’ to receive. Palms open, deep breathing, switching my thoughts or feeling my feelings fully, without any expectation that the tools will help… I have noticed I do the tools and ‘expect’ to see an immediate shift now… It feels better to do just them for ME.

    I love what you shared about last night with D 🙂 I am so happy he is taking care of you.



  98.  #98Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 10:33 am

    What I am saying is that when we do the tools, it is easy to fall into the trap of doing them for a result. Therefore, I have decided to them for me, and to share on the blog for me, rather than for what I expect the outcome will be or what M will do next.

    Does that make sense?



  99.  #99Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 10:35 am

    @95 Lilybelly – thank you for this. I feel scared I won’t find him. I feel scared that if I do find him, that i won’t truly “want” him somehow.

    i think part of my problem is lack of sleep, which now that i think about it, does affect your hormones.

    it feels good to think!

    sometimes I feel so tired of trying to balance the masculine and feminine. I just want to be me!

    masculine, feminine, whatever the junk I am!



  100.  #100Starla on September 20, 2012 at 10:36 am

    “sometimes “worrying” about “not leaning forward” feels un-natural and like walking on eggshells.”

    lama, i strongly believe this is a big part of what hurt my last relationship.

    i’ve learned to be myself a lot more. and worry less.

    and then occasionally i still get confused about the nature of my compulsions, whether they’re natural or fear/outcome-driven



  101.  #101Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 10:38 am

    i feel angry thinking about that window in my life when i was completely broken, what i would consider “not ready for a relationship” because i was so freaking lost.

    and it was during that time that so many guys would just randomly scoop me up in their arms and just hold me.

    i really miss that.

    i feel scared to let myself be taken care of, because i don’t trust anyone but myself to take care of myself, and honestly, a lot of times i do a lousy job of it myself.

    ouch, that really hurts.

    i feel really sad and messy now.

    like my whole body feels tired and feels like just giving up.

    i feel sooooooooo sad. 🙁



  102.  #102Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 10:39 am

    i don’t want to do what i have to do.
    i feel sad.
    have i mentioned that?
    i feel sad.
    i feel defeated.
    i feel dry.



  103.  #103Starla on September 20, 2012 at 10:39 am

    SA 94

    goodness that feels nice to read

    lots of men are trying to date me

    i just don’t feel very connected to any of them

    and warrior seems confused that i’m leaning back

    that or he’s just not interested.



  104.  #104MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 10:40 am

    Oh I had a great convo with the man. Oh deep breath and sigh I feel calm talking about the future.

    He may take a job through his roomy that would require he be out of town 2 weeks away, 1 week home. Oh that is kind of a scary picture but I let him talk about it. I felt my feelings without fear and what actually happened was kind of cool and soothing like a slow moving stream. He talked about his dream of being out of debt and owning a home. He believes he could do this with 2 years at that job. And he talked about kids again.
    Oh I feel a tiny ball of gray anxiety. It lives in my tummy but it’s a hologram projected right in front of my forehead and floating in the air. Thinking of seeing him only 1 week a month, or so…Oh that feels sqeezy and tense. But wow there could be a family on the other side of that 2 years. Oh it feels a little difficult. A little grrr and pouty and I’ll never see you!!!!!!! 🙁 Out loud I said “that feels a little rough”. And he said “Yeah…But the end result might be worth it.”. “I said yeah, you have a lot to think about. He said “yeah”. Oi. Mmmmmhmm oh my man. You are strong willing to sacrifice any semblance of a social life to build a foundation for our family. Hmmm roomie says they aren’t even allowed to drink in the bars that are set up. The guys from other companies are allowed but not this one. No booze. No one but other workers. Oh baby…As hard as that feels I so respect your willingness to do it. You are a good man.



  105.  #105Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 10:40 am

    @100 Starla – thank you for this. it makes me feel understood and curious and comforted. Thank you.



  106.  #106Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Iamabutterfly,

    “i feel angry thinking about that window in my life when i was completely broken, what i would consider “not ready for a relationship” because i was so freaking lost. and it was during that time that so many guys would just randomly scoop me up in their arms and just hold me.”

    You were being true to yourself, vulnerable and scared, without any expectations of anything.



  107.  #107Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 10:42 am

    it feels so comforting and familiar when my guy friend’s face lights up when he sees me. it’s just pure genuine happiness at the fact that i exist. i want more of that from not just him, but from everyone.



  108.  #108MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 10:43 am

    Oh oh oh so much empathy for these men who do these jobs…11 hour days 14 days straight. Ouch. ((((These men)))) ((((my man)))) I feel pride knowing he is the kind of man who would do this job.



  109.  #109Tam on September 20, 2012 at 10:46 am

    (((FW)))) there are always second chances.



  110.  #110Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 10:47 am

    @106 siren angel – thank you. i know this deep down.

    i feel angry that WHEN i want, i don’t get.

    i feel vulnerable and scared right now too.
    but also angry and on the verge of lashing out on anyone and everything.

    wanting and not getting, and then NOT expecting and getting feels like a cruel joke somehow.

    why is expecting such a horrible thing?
    why is wanting such a horrible thing?

    i hear all these ugly angry voices telling me:

    you’re not supposed to want.
    you’re not supposed to expect.

    why not?

    I’m not supposed to want basic human needs?
    I’m not supposed to expect comfort from people who are supposed to love me?

    Supposed to…

    supposed to…

    Supposed to…

    expectations.

    I feel so angry!



  111.  #111Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 10:49 am

    Iamabutterfly,

    Wanting and Expecting are 2 very different things.

    You want for yourself.
    You expect from another.



  112.  #112Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 10:51 am

    i feel so guilty over the way i treated men in the past.

    i couldn’t force myself to feel something i didn’t feel.
    i couldn’t unblock my blocks to love without someone teaching me how.

    i keep thinking about this guy that I loved but wasn’t in love with,

    he was in love with me, I think.

    one time i was just feeling really sad. and i ran up to him and asked him to hold me, like i had this really urgent need for him to hold me, and he just held me and he even said “awww.” and proceeded to hold me tighter.

    that was totally leaning forward, and he didn’t care.
    he liked it.



  113.  #113Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 10:51 am

    Iamabutterfly,

    You can say ‘I intend to’ (open my heart, receive, be in a committed relationship) which makes it all about you.

    Expecting makes it all about the other person. Expectations are the most leaning forward energy possible. They are stronger than words or actions. I know because I have recently been there too and I am trying to change that.



  114.  #114Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 10:53 am

    @111 SA – You want for yourself.
    You expect from another.

    Thank you.

    I don’t understand completely, and that feels frustrating. i want to stomp and pout and scream and cry and then just sleep all these yucky feelings away.



  115.  #115LiliBee on September 20, 2012 at 10:54 am

    97:

    Thanks for sharing your process SA.

    …and cable guy was cute too 😉

    Maybe cd’ing cable guy right before D helped my vibe.



  116.  #116bloom-ing on September 20, 2012 at 10:54 am

    i think it’s also “leaning forward” to “lean back” with the Expectation of a certain “outcome”



  117.  #117Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 10:55 am

    I HATE the feeling of guilt I have running into these men from my past.

    I HATE the icky feeling I feel with their wives, who I sometimes suspect are looking at me like I’m cruel or crazy or both.

    I feel like such a horrible, stupid, selfish, lonely person.



  118.  #118Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 10:56 am

    I’m not really ready to date, am I?



  119.  #119Starla on September 20, 2012 at 10:56 am

    116 bloom-ing

    yessssss



  120.  #120bloom-ing on September 20, 2012 at 10:57 am

    mm siren angel,

    thanks for sharing this:
    “Wanting and Expecting are 2 very different things. / You want for yourself. / You expect from another.”

    that feels easy to remember ! i’m feeling excited : )



  121.  #121coco kisses on September 20, 2012 at 10:58 am

    Ok sirens….I feel annoyed, yet certain that everything will be ok…..my husband doesn’t seem intrested in doing the marriage restoration programs anymore. After we went out Friday, he didn’t communicate with me until Monday via text, then he called Tuesday,and he’s called me everyday this week. However in conversation with him today I tried to back lead him into making plans with me for the weekend, hut he didn’t take the bait. I said something like, I’m feeling good, light hearted, and care free, I would feel great to have some fun, should you be thinking of doing something fun this weekend, I’m open……he went on to name the laundry list of cr@p he has to do this weekend like laundry and washing his car…..I sooooo feel like going out with other men at this point…..this is sooooo retarded.. I feel super annoyed and slightly out of control. It feels too difficult to keep over anylizing my every move and every word, to see why I’m turning him off….I just wanna be me…….that is what feels good. I would feel good to send all his calls to voicemail for the weekend…..



  122.  #122LiliBee on September 20, 2012 at 10:58 am

    96: Iamabutterfly says:

    ” I feel like an inexperienced idiot, ”

    I’m giggling at this comment…as I do feel like that too plenty 🙂

    That’s OK lama, I find it ‘cute’ when I read you feeling like that.
    So helps me feel ‘cute’ when I feel like that.



  123.  #123Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 10:58 am

    does anyone have any advice on how to move from this icky, scary feeling place?



  124.  #124Starla on September 20, 2012 at 10:58 am

    116

    but what do we do then? if we’re leaning back with expectations to produce an outcome, and if we were to lean forward with the same end in mind… what do we do instead?

    i feel trapped hehe



  125.  #125Daria on September 20, 2012 at 10:58 am

    “THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle

    :: Goodness Is Inspired, Not Required ::

    Situation 1:
    You ask your friend what she wants for a birthday
    gift, and she says, “I would treasure *any* gift
    from you!”

    Wouldn’t you feel inspired to give her something
    very special?

    Situation 2:
    Another friend says, “I hope you’re getting me
    something *good* for my birthday… I just *hate*
    tacky gifts!”

    Wouldn’t you feel like giving this friend a pile
    of fake dog poop?! 🙂

    The point is that you feel most inspired to please
    others when you don’t feel pressured or coerced —
    when you don’t “have to.”

    Children are no different. They love to please others,
    especially their parents, so long as their inspiration
    to share pleasure isn’t confounded by implied threats
    of punishment, reward, or withdrawal of approval.

    Today, let go of all “required goodness” by affirming
    that your child is inherently good, and is *free* to
    express that goodness… and free *not* to express it.

    Remember that the best way to foster children’s
    authentic goodness is to let them see how much *you*
    enjoy expressing your own goodness.”

    http://dailygroove.net/inspired-not-required



  126.  #126Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 11:00 am

    @122 Lilibee – aw, I’m glad. at least we’re not alone, eh?



  127.  #127Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 11:01 am

    @125 Daria – I love this. Thank you for sharing! It feels calming.



  128.  #128coco kisses on September 20, 2012 at 11:01 am

    @ Iam Butterfly….it all starts with forgiving yourself….when u take a step back and look at ur stuff, accept it, then decide to be a healthier person, then forgive yourself, and love on you…that’s how you move from the ickiness



  129.  #129lilybelly on September 20, 2012 at 11:03 am

    123:

    The only way to it, Iama, is through it. It is important to feel all of the stuff in the soup and I believe, you are doing just that, by letting it all out and processing here.

    There is healing here and love and acceptance.



  130.  #130bloom-ing on September 20, 2012 at 11:03 am

    hehe

    Until everyone believes in their own ability to say exactly the right thing, at exactly the right time, to exactly the right person, then allow me:

    Everyone wants to be your friend. Everyone.

    You’re just cool.

    The Universe



  131.  #131MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Hmmmmm so what would that look like…Having G gone for 2 weeks and home for 1 week.

    Oh right now it looks a little scary. I don’t feel trust in myself not to act desperate if I miss him a lot. Hmmmm I need to get a clear and positive picture in my mind of what I would sink into in this scenario….

    Oh I would CD the universe! I would work amd go to school and focus on bettering myself while he is off working towards a positive future. I would be totally free and I trust him to tenderly accept my feelings and offer me stability and support through a hard 2 years. And how would I offer him support? It would look and feel like being open, expressive and and calm and understanding of the inevitable grumpyness that will come up from such a tough job. It would feel like being ok with being alone even if I feel sad feelings. And how would I express my feelings when I miss him so I don’t feel desperate or lonely or un-heard? It would be saying “I miss how your touch feels on my skin” and “I miss feeling your warm body enveloping me and holding me.” and “mmm I miss your body when I feel sexy!”. And how would I be receptive of him when he comes home? It would be allowing him to lead and melting and receiving him when he arrives. It would be not pestering to see him when he gets home. But allowing space for him to fill and opening up to him. Allowing him to embrace me and miss me and come onto me.

    Hmmm Ummm I feel strong. I think I can do this.



  132.  #132lilybelly on September 20, 2012 at 11:04 am

    128:

    Thanks for mentioning that, I forgot and it’s #1 on the list.

    Forgiveness and acceptance.

    Don’t forget to take care of you, Iama…



  133.  #133coco kisses on September 20, 2012 at 11:07 am

    On the flip side…I bought some satin sheets felt zoo good to feel the satin sheets against my freshly shaven legs…..I did this for me and my sexuality. I’m getting a brazilian wax…..I need to feel beautiful this weekend



  134.  #134MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 11:10 am

    Hmmm I want to say to him “When I think of you going away I feel a little tense and scared, but I feel safe and supported. I feel a little proud of your willingness to do such a job!”



  135.  #135Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 11:12 am

    i feel a lot better now. i still feel sad, but i feel accepting of the sadness.

    i feel defeated.

    @130 bloom-ing – i absolutely love this. it feels so light and fun and forgiving.

    the way you say things, you remind me of my best childhood friend growing up.

    friends since second grade, and we still talk sometimes through the thousands of miles between us now, though not enough.



  136.  #136Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 11:13 am

    cocokisses, you are so utterly inspiring to me!



  137.  #137Smile on September 20, 2012 at 11:14 am

    Oooo I just can’t shift this icky embarrassment feeling.

    I de activated my fb account in hopes to further cover up my slip of the finger. But now I want to be on fb. It’s taking over me, like I wana ring a friend to experiment if he saw it or not. I can’t relax.

    I feel scared to activate it again 



  138.  #138Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 11:14 am

    @129 lily belly – thank you, sweetheart!



  139.  #139Smile on September 20, 2012 at 11:16 am

    I texed strummingman at lunch as I missed his good night message. I’m hoping he doesn’t mention the fb thing…. Feeling Cringey!



  140.  #140bloom-ing on September 20, 2012 at 11:16 am

    from The Hairpin dot com

    “At the risk of sounding insensitive, you need to get over this. Wasting energy on wishing you looked a way you will never look is … wasting energy. I understand that it’s horrible to feel undesirable or “unworthy.” I’ve spent collective years of my life humming along to that song whose only lyrics are “be prettier” — you know, the official theme song for Womanhood™. So I can state with authority that you need to do whatever it takes to stop this cycle. Being naked with someone else shouldn’t be traumatic. Awkward, maybe, and sometimes unexpectedly humorous, but save the trauma for … everything else crappy in the world. And mutual desire is ALWAYS delusional; that’s why it’s so great. Truth: you are enough just how you are. Start believing it.”



  141.  #141Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 11:18 am

    I intend to open my heart.
    I intend to receive.
    I intend to be in a committed relationship.

    and I will open my heart.
    and I will receive.
    and I will be in a committed relationship.

    I am opening my heart!
    I am receiving!
    I am in a committed relationship!
    with myself!



  142.  #142Daria on September 20, 2012 at 11:19 am

    i too feel really warm inside being called a masculine word like ‘dude’

    i feel accepted ‘got’ safe

    i like being called beautiful, but thats different

    my inner boy said he’ll call me beautiful ‘dude’ then lol

    but im now feelign a bit down

    i know im not gonna have to ‘give up’ that feeling of safe home acceptance

    im just gonna find it inside of me, and instead of a touch, it’s gonna be a lot

    right?

    pouty trembly face

    im really committed to this so i can give up even that lil heart warmth, cuz i know it leads to pain later

    but it would feel so good to heal this

    aslo, theres something else about me writing this. im making it all pc and not ‘street’ cuz im trying to avoid being attacked i think

    i feel scared about that

    sigh

    i feel weary of split personalitying it

    there’s so much pleasure in being around people’s parents and not split personalitying it

    but around mine i have

    and i really go hard and hold hard to it split split

    ouch

    i want to heal all this

    i feel sad

    and overwhelmed

    i dont think this is gonna get healed

    i intend for all this to get healed in a quick and comfortable way

    even if a part of me says no i hear you and love you

    and im in charge!

    im in charge tho

    so im gonna say yes it is and just steamroll thru all this

    hmm

    i want all of us to feel loved

    we’re all safe

    all of us together are gonna move together now towards this better feeling placea

    its ok to trust me

    its ok to not trust me

    im moving there

    im not leaving anyone behind who doesn’t want to be left behind

    so everyone’s wanted and invited

    even NV

    i feel tight in my chest

    i feel sadness

    and tahts ok

    i actaully LOVE those feelings

    mmmmuah

    i know they mean im healing

    i feel awed at how strong i am to just feel these feelings and keep on pointing to healing and feeling better choice wise

    i feel like im dragging huge nets of fish, way bigger than me

    it feels tiring and awful and i love those feelings

    im ‘battling’ here

    i can do some eft on this

    i feel pist

    i love my pistness

    and that feels like

    pist

    and i love my pistness

    and that feels like

    blank blink blink

    i love my blank blink blink

    and that feesl like

    chaka khan!

    and that feels embarassing

    i love my embarassment

    i love my funny self

    i love that it smells like breastmilk in here???

    i love my embarassment

    sigh

    i need someone else’s approval

    i almost had it the other day, but its still not enough

    i feel ashamed

    im such a brave girl

    my inner energies jumped to counter my huge belief change

    my mind is super strong like … like something super strong

    like iron

    when i want it to be

    i want it to be flexible most of the time

    i dont want to ‘fight’ my body

    im gonna heal all

    i already contacted backfixbodywork guy to ask for help

    sigh

    to heal the body so it doesn’t conflict

    im doing a lot of babysteps for myself

    my life is not a waste

    i will be a huge healing figure

    like i want to be

    sigh

    i feel so frustrated!

    i feel tight in my chest!

    i love my frustration

    i love the tightness in my chest

    i feel triggered with these mental memories

    L*(((((

    waaaah

    im gonna run away from this

    i dont want to keep triggering myself

    this doesn’t feel good

    and i don’t want to keep on masculine energy toughing this out

    img onna let myself out the side door and do some fun SHIT



  143.  #143Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 11:20 am

    i always feel sore in my body after i let myself feel painful feelings.

    it’s almost like I’m working out my emotions, and then my emotional muscles get sore, and have to recover, so they can get stronger!



  144.  #144Smile on September 20, 2012 at 11:22 am

    🙁 tonight I just wana hide in my bed. That would feel comfortable.



  145.  #145Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 11:23 am

    @142 Daria – I feel really connected to you right now. it feels fun. and surprising!



  146.  #146Dominique on September 20, 2012 at 11:25 am

    Femininewoman – 77 – that your test didn’t go well.

    xxoo



  147.  #147MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 11:26 am

    Hmmm bloom-ing

    A girl once said to me all sad and pouty “My ex bf wouldn’t even touch my belly he hated it so much!!” She looked like she was going to cry!

    And I said “Oh ____….He wouldn’t touch your belly because you hated it. Not because he hated it.”

    and her eyes got wide and she said “oh my gawd!”.

    I love my body. I love my jiggle wiggle belly and G loves it too and he grabs handfulls of it and bites it and kisses it and I giggle and wiggle and squirm and say “No! No belly bites!” But I secretly love it and he knows it.



  148.  #148Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 11:30 am

    suddenly I feel an overwhelming love for myself and for my ability to feel.

    oh, it feels good and empowering and soothing.

    I’m remembering a time when I was 13 and I felt so utterly sad, that I made the decision to just cry.
    all day.
    at school.
    in seventh grade.

    i didn’t try to stop myself.
    i just cried and cried and cried and cried.

    people looked at me strange.
    people looked at me with sympathy and empathy, I’m sure.
    people may have even been looking at me with jealousy.

    sweet 13 old boys asked me what was wrong.
    sweet 13 old girls gave me hugs.

    i love it when it’s okay to cry.



  149.  #149Tam on September 20, 2012 at 11:33 am

    Smile, don’t make it bigger than it is….firstly everybody knows that everybody is ‘spying’, my men even told me. MrP asked me about someone he could only have known by spying my fb – even recently.
    So relax, if you undid it straight away, it most likely never showed. At all!!
    So just try to think of something else, get back on the horse, do smth nice 🙂



  150.  #150Daria on September 20, 2012 at 11:34 am

    (((coco kisses))) – i wouldn’t ‘backlead’ that way anymore, that’s leaning forward energetically… and would harm my vibe, get me angry and disappointed, and damage the feminine-masculne energy balance

    Rori doesn’t talk about ‘backleading.’ Just opening up and responding.

    It feels so challenging to feel the emotions of not having control, when we are pining for a result. Feeling them and loving our lil girl helps me SO MUCH — have you checked out innerbonding.com for that?

    and yes i’d accept dates, and I wouldn’t tell him about it unless he asks



  151.  #151Daria on September 20, 2012 at 11:35 am

    hmm ‘backleading’ Rori style would be opening up the heart, assuming the Rori raye lean back open body position, and smiling. Even just from behind a monitor where nobody could see me



  152.  #152Daria on September 20, 2012 at 11:36 am

    ((((lamabutterfly)))) 🙂



  153.  #153Goddess Lily on September 20, 2012 at 11:37 am

    So even though I missed the opportunity for FMs with the long distance work guy who may turn out to be gay, my work ex showed up almost immediately after and I got another chance. He’s always quick to flirt and talk sexual and then nothing else. Today I expressed that I feel bad hearing that sex is the only way we can spend time together. Turns out he didn’t even know I was single and available to hang out so he went to his comfort zone of joking with me about sex. I then expressed that if he asked me out for a drink, I would say yes. Not in those exact words but you know what I mean.

    Now the hard part, not having expectations.



  154.  #154Daria on September 20, 2012 at 11:37 am

    FeminineWoman – hugs for your challenge… I know it must feel sooo jarring and scary and numbing…

    and i get the thought its also going to transform your life into something really really good



  155.  #155Dominique on September 20, 2012 at 11:38 am

    About letting go and about expectations =

    sexandheart.com/letting-go#comment-2206

    sexandheart.com/what-can-you-expect-from-your-man

    xxoo



  156.  #156Daria on September 20, 2012 at 11:39 am

    Smile – this seems like a trauma reaction to me…

    maybe it will help to notice that…

    i wonder what this reminds you of? what was the first time you remember feeling these similar emotions?



  157.  #157Smile on September 20, 2012 at 11:41 am

    Thanks tam, I feel reassured. I still feel fearful to activate it again till he has texted. Just gonna try forget it for a while.

    I’m feeling overwhelmed too with the move. Got more viewings sat morning before I go away. I need to start packing but I’m feeling exhausted, like I just wana curl up and sleep.



  158.  #158Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 11:41 am

    The Chief told me so I accept it.

    Thanks.



  159.  #159Tam on September 20, 2012 at 11:46 am

    (((Smile))) you can do it!!
    I will think of you and send positive vibes!!!
    You know, the deactivation draws more attention than anything else, so you can just reinstate it and all is fine. Trust 🙂



  160.  #160bloom-ing on September 20, 2012 at 11:46 am

    i was feeling kinda mmf-y cuz my lil girl was all “hey, cd bought big dinners for his mom n dad n he doesn’t do that for my momndad” aww sad face, heavy eyebrows

    & just now i called him & said that my mom invited us over & he said, we should take them out & he made the plan & i invited them & it works !!!!!! i feel so happy & ….. just plain happy yayyyy & i didn’t even get mad, actually. actually when the first “bad” thought about awww sad he hasn’t taken my parents out, the next thought was, oh but it will feel fun when he does lol yay i trusted him i feel all bumbly happy like a toddler with shaky motor skills lol yayyyy



  161.  #161Daria on September 20, 2012 at 11:48 am

    my peace is black

    and it slithers through my pores all snaky

    in and out in and out infusing me

    coughing up a ball of smoke inside me

    that my belly sneezes out, enveloping me in smoke

    darkening and darkening

    until darkness hugs me

    softly



  162.  #162Smile on September 20, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Daria, hmm I feel like I’ve done something wrong. Like I’ve made a big mistake. Last time I felt like this was when I crashed my car and got a driving caution.

    I also feel like I’ll get discovered. Like people will be talking about me but not in a good way.

    Hmf, just can’t shift it. Feeling really low.



  163.  #163Smile on September 20, 2012 at 11:51 am

    Tam, yeh deactivating probably draws more attention.

    I am brave

    I am brave

    I am brave

    Much worse has happened in my life but I guess It’s my fear of pushing him away. Am I afraid of making a mistake?



  164.  #164Tam on September 20, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Smile, you can’t push the right guy away. Not with something like this, not at all.
    Can you hug yourself and relax a little?



  165.  #165Kyla on September 20, 2012 at 11:55 am

    processing:

    major breakthrough
    huge shift in energy
    signs everywhere, proof everywhere,
    i drop the stones from my pockets, admire how the water lets them pass through unharmed and i float to the surface, resistance free
    seeing clearly
    everything is weaving together beautifully before my eyes
    intricate, complicated, magnificent, perfection
    messages flooding me, questions answered in the most unexpected way, everything fitting together
    a sudden awakening, realization, transformation
    feeling the lightness, the energy return, only its not the same, it is new, a new way of being
    seemingly unrelated, conflicting, confusing, overwhelming, the heaviness was not brought on me, the slowness was not new, i was suddenly feeling where i really was and ready to let that go to
    all connected, all making perfect sense, a feeling of being whole, excitement
    i get it now, it all makes sense!
    aha! i have so much more to learn! i know nothing!

    piecing it all together now, the words flow freely on to the page, magic



  166.  #166Smile on September 20, 2012 at 11:58 am

    I need to remember my truth!

    I’ve concocted a whole story in my head about why I was in his fb page in the first place, ESP when we are not friends on there.

    I should just speak my truth if he notices and speaks.

    I’m gonna switch this and tell myself if he saw it he would thing. Aww she was checking me out 🙂



  167.  #167Smile on September 20, 2012 at 11:59 am

    I’m shivering. I am full of goose bumps. I feel cold 



  168.  #168Tam on September 20, 2012 at 11:59 am

    Smile and you’d be spot on…



  169.  #169coco kisses on September 20, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    @ Daria….Feminine Woman posted an article by Christian Cater….Rori’s friend, a few days ago, and he spoke about back leading that way. I thought is give it a shot…anyways the truth is if a man really wants to spend time with you he will be making plans…..I’m trying to re-evaluate myself, and intentions. Why do I feel like my husband is so darn special, he’s not treating me special, and even if I were being perfectly feminine, and doing all the tools right, it may be that he just is not in to me period…..honestly, I’m focusing deeply into me this week. I wanna dig deeper…..thanks for ur input as always. I admire u in so many ways



  170.  #170Daria on September 20, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    “:: “I Didn’t Sign Up For This!” ::

    Living in an anti-pleasure culture — where sacrifice
    and toil are glorified while pleasure-seeking is
    disdained — we’ve been conditioned to *tolerate*
    unpleasant states like boredom and confinement.

    But such states feel bad for a reason: they suck! 🙂

    So if you find a particular aspect of parenting
    boring or confining, don’t tolerate it! Instigate
    a personal revolution and proclaim…

    “I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS!”

    You didn’t intend to *suffer* through parenthood.
    You wanted to bring more joy into the world.
    Love and joy: THAT’S what you signed up for!

    With that awareness, you can set a new standard.
    Raise the bar. Don’t settle for tolerable
    unpleasantness. If you can’t see a more pleasing
    way to proceed, just be still, remember your true
    intentions, and be open to inspiration.

    This is not about having zero tolerance for your
    child. It’s not about your child at all! It’s about
    listening to *your* Inner Guidance and *honoring* it.

    When you honor your Guidance, it honors you *and*
    your child.”

    http://dailygroove.net/didnt-sign-up-for-this



  171.  #171Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    @ 155 Dominique – Thank you for those beautiful, compassionate, heart-felt articles you wrote. I felt especially moved by the one about “letting go.”

    sometimes I swear you’re an angel, Dominique.

    I feel heard, understood, and comforted.

    Thank you.



  172.  #172Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    cocokisses – I believe it is more than just about the words. Your energy and intention was to “hook” him. You wanted to control the outcome and he felt it. The way I see it is you said “should you be thinking”….his response was to let you know that he was not thinking about that……in the moment. You just don’t know if he is mulling it over now and might come up with something spontaneous later. Though he might not, I am sure he does not want to be your puppet. Or feel that way.

    The other thing is that men generally will not be pulled away from what they want to do. If they change their plans for you, it is because they want to. Of course they have to get to that place on their own. However, I believe that backleading is like planting seeds. It might take some time to germinate.



  173.  #173Smile on September 20, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    I’m feeling more at ease. My muscles are relaxing. I’ve re activated my fb account. Did a few tests with friends on seeing if liking and unliking shows up in notifications. Also feels good to know that others have done stuff like this too. Feels less embarrassing thankyou!

    Thank you to the universe for being on my side. But also throwing ip feelings I need to explore more.



  174.  #174Smile on September 20, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Panic over everyone!!

    Ha I can hear you all saying, smile, there was only you panicking actually lol!



  175.  #175Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    wow, reading what I wrote, it doesn’t sound so “crazy” now that I’ve moved past and felt the feelings. why do they feel so crazy and messy in the moment I’m feeling them?

    I love my feelings.
    I absolutely love them.
    They make me feel alive.
    and worthy to be alive.

    Thank you, God, for my feelings.



  176.  #176Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 12:39 pm

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  177.  #177Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 12:39 pm


  178.  #178Tam on September 20, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    Smile 🙂



  179.  #179Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Dominique @155,

    Thank you again for sharing with us. I feel all smiley and happy now .



  180.  #180Mel on September 20, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Hmmmm….

    Interesting. This morning, I called down to Mr A: “Don’t worry about the bed, I was going to wash the sheets today.” (he makes the bed EVERY morning) His daughter said: “You’re always doing stuff for my dad. Why?”

    I felt this halting jolt, like a whoa, horsey! Stop in the name of the law… feeling.

    Am I doing too much? I don’t feel like I am. Mostly, I just help with stuff if he asks me. And I only volunteer when I feel like it. But that’s an interesting observation… I don’t really wanna do stuff for him. As if he’s incapable.

    I’ll have to check in on that a bit. I have this thing…. About not wanting to be perceived as lazy. But sometimes I feel lazy. And that makes me feel guilty, so I do stuff.

    Thinking… feeling….



  181.  #181Daria on September 20, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    helpful to me w >quotes from a question from a mom who is moving


    > It doesn’t make sense to *us* what’s important to them~ but I’m
    > sure I kept some things my mom wondered about when we moved
    > 6 times as I was growing up!

    Absolutely. We can help them be people who treat others’ values — even the ones they don’t understand — with respect by treating what they value with respect, especially when we don’t understand why they value it.

    > I have had a talk with my girls

    Which is parent speak for telling kids, “You’re wrong, I’m right and here’s why.” Unless someone’s hurting someone else, there are ways for sharing views that are less likely to cause the other person to tune out.

    Share what you do to help *you* make decisions. Share without pressure to make the same choice, without pressure to see the world the same way. It’s shared as information.

    If someone — adult or kid — is handed an idea and knows they can toss it, they’re far more likely to turn it over. If they feel there’s pressure to believe it, to replace their own ideas with this new idea, they’re more likely to erect barriers to protect their own ideas from being taken from them.

    > “things” are just that, things.

    Which is *your* value, not a universal truth. It is a principle you use to help you make choices that will move towards *your own* goal of having fewer things.

    They can benefit from hearing about how you approach the problem for yourself. It’s useful to hear how other people see the world and make choices.

    Your daughters’ goals aren’t the same as yours, though. They will need different tools.

    To learn how to make decisions, they need to trust their feelings on what they want and weigh whether or not a choice will lead toward it or not. Right now they’re still figuring out their feelings and what choices will lead toward or away. Each time they’re supported in making decisions, they get better at it and learn more about who they are and what they like.

    They’re also changing! So their feelings today aren’t the same as they will be next week. But they’ll learn by making choices based on today’s feelings, not on the feelings they may have in 10 years.

    By handing them a goal, by handing them a plan to get there, you’re suggesting what they feel is right for them is wrong. You’re suggesting the approach to life is to memorize right goals and right paths to those goals.

    > Just because I throw out a drawing you made does not mean I don’t love you.

    Actions speak louder than words.

    If an action *feels* to them like “I don’t love you”, what you want it to mean is irrelevant.

    People’s beliefs, people’s preferences are a part of who they are. If someone dismisses someone else’s beliefs or preferences, it feels like a dismissal of them.

    > Honey, I would LOVE for you to be able to take every item in your room.

    If your actions say otherwise, the words are meaningless. They make you feel better but just confuse your kids.

    It would be more honest to say the truck can only carry so much and then to divide everything — including your stuff — into piles of “absolutely must have”, “really really want to have”, “will be sad but will live if it can’t come,” so when the time comes to load the truck, there aren’t last minute tearful decisions.

    BUT, kids are completely dependent on adults to get their needs met. Their ability to keep or toss what’s there’s depends on adult decisions. Imagine your ability to hold onto your own stuff dependent on your husband’s decision. It’s far kinder, far more relationship building for adults to let what can of their own stuff go in order to make room for their children’s precious possessions.

    The more power you can lend them, the less tightly they’ll need to cling to their ideas, to their things in order to keep them from being taken away. It won’t turn a “keeper” into someone who can let go easily but it can make a keeper less fearful that things will disappear and will allow time to let them ease up on their own schedule.

    Joyce”

    answered by Joyce Fetteroll (has a blog)



  182.  #182Smile on September 20, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    Hm, My friend called me a nutter. In a fun friendly way.

    I feel curious as to why I’ve made such a big deal out of this…??? Hmm…



  183.  #183Daria on September 20, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    thanks Cocokisses… I admire you as well…



  184.  #184Daria on September 20, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    ((((Smile)))) yay… for going out the side door to happy



  185.  #185Daria on September 20, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    French language videos are feeling intriguing the past few days… hmmm



  186.  #186Miss Bells on September 20, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    We went to breakfast at a local cafe. His idea.
    Yesterday when I took he bus up to Santa Rosa, he started to go negative on me about the date. I had mentioned that I was planning on doing the winery Wednesday evening Wine and Sunsets, at a place where he would like his band to play. I went online to get the ticket and he told me to get two.
    So yesterday, when he got neggie on me I said “You invited yourself along!I don’t want to hear it.” It turns out this hurt his feelings a little bit. So today I said I had a lot more fun with him there, and I WANTED him to come, I just didn’t want him to think it was my idea.

    Also– he has been signing his emails ciao lately. I told him I didn’t like it–it was too impersonal.

    So we went to my house and dropped of 6 more boxes. And he lay on my bed on top of my quilt and I snuggled under his arm, and we kissed for a second–warm but not quite sexy. And I walked him out.

    Now I am in a quite slow sort of pain. I am feeling it and he isn’t, yet. Because he doesn’t know I am pulling away. He has talked to the OW who moved to LA a month ago, but is now somehow back in the area. I think just for this week. I phones are identical and I grabbed the wrong one. She was in the call log. This was Friday. I asked him about her being around and he lied. Then, he spent several days with me and his phone was off the whole time. So he basically ignored her. But I know he talked to her Monday. It doesn’t really matter–the specifics. I DO NOT WANT to be in a weird peer struggle with some woman that used to date the guy in the trailer in back and who he knew for all of five weeks before she left. She was upset about me. That is when I lived there. Now–I don’t live there anymore, though I still have keys. So if he is spending time with me it is only because he wants to.

    I feel drained and unable to work properly, but I promised one of my new house mates ( a disabled man) that I would make a stew, so it is simmering in the crockpot downstairs. And a new CD is going to call for the first time this evening.



  187.  #187Miss Bells on September 20, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    #50 Yeah Kyla–I know. But I FEEL heartsick and blue. It doesn’t feel like an exciting adventure right now.



  188.  #188Radlove on September 20, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    This is for Allana Pratt’s free weekly thing on intimacy…sounds fun!

    http://allanapratt.com/



  189.  #189Smile on September 20, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    Happy feels much better!!!!

    I choose happy 



  190.  #190coco kisses on September 20, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    @Feminine Woman….I am smiling I feel confident that things will work out beautifully…..I am going to do something wonderful for myself….I bought a Groupon to paint pottery so I’m going to snag a few friends and go…..I thinks important for me to remember that men do what they want. This situation is a difficult one, because we are married. Truthfully, I don’t feel comfortable dating other men while I’m married …legally…..if we weren’t is be actively opening myself up for other suitors. I don’t want to jump the gun either and file for a divorce if start legal proceedings when there is an actual chance to save my marriage, but the question is, does he really care? Is he playing games, not really wanting me, but not able to let go at the same time? These are the questions going in in my mind.



  191.  #191Smile on September 20, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Miss bells, it feels great to read that you now have your own place and have started to cd! 



  192.  #192Kyla on September 20, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    (((miss belle)))

    change feels scary to me
    doing it anyway feels brave and strong
    in a shaky, vulnerable way

    sink into the blue feelings and pour love all over them

    did you read dominique’s article on letting go?



  193.  #193bloom-ing on September 20, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Miss Bells,

    ” I phones are identical and I grabbed the wrong one. ”

    aw i feel bummed reading this. i feel so bummed when “the relationship” sort of…. i don’t know…. like “takes its course” due to knowledge of things that haven’t been shared…….. it feels Dramatic – & it makes me think of Dramatic Irony because we all know you know, but he’ll go along acting in accordance with a different reality – one he thinks you’re both in together – where you don’t know anything about that. it just feels…. like authentic connection becomes kind of impossible separated by that barrier….

    i notice “I assume” that you don’t want to tell him how you know that he & OW are still in contact. i feel curious if that’s true. i feel curious if you are planning to share with him that you know?



  194.  #194Miss Bells on September 20, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    #193 Yes–I will tell him. I need to be completely open when we finally have a real talk. But–he HAS to initiate it. And he won’t as long as I am kind of just “there”. which means leaning so far back he has to hunt for me. A lot easier when not living there. But– I have to get my stuff out, at least the stuff I care about and need in my daily life. I have been up there a little more than half the time since the move, but if I am staying away it no longer makes sense to keep my kitchen there, for instance.
    I will tell him the truth about that–I hate living in two places, and need my things with me.

    What I said Friday was “I can feel the hair stand up on my neck like I can FEEL you talking to her.”



  195.  #195Daria on September 20, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    “THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
    http://www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

    :: WordWatch: Always/Never ::

    Today, notice whenever you use the words
    ALWAYS and NEVER.

    The power of these words is in their ability to
    *finalize* — to make something seem “written in
    stone” — and to establish a strong *expectation*.
    For example:

    “He ALWAYS throws a tantrum when we leave.”

    “I NEVER get enough sleep.”

    Remember, you tend to get what you expect, so when
    you hear yourself say such things, rephrase them
    using softer words that leave open the possibility of
    improvement:

    “SOMETIMES he throws a tantrum when we leave.
    (Maybe this time he’ll be fine.)”

    “It’s been a LONG TIME since I got enough sleep.
    (Perhaps I can sneak in a catnap today.)”

    But *do* use always/never with uplifting thoughts:

    “She ALWAYS finds her way.”

    “I NEVER make mistakes that I can’t recover from.”

    http://dailygroove.net/always-never



  196.  #196Miss Bells on September 20, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    #191 Yes–If there is any hope at all for this relationship, that is the only way.
    And if there isn’t any hope I would have had to move out, move on, and start dating again anyhow.



  197.  #197Mel on September 20, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    186, 193

    (((Miss Bells)))

    That feels sucky. Knowing stuff I didn’t want to know (or did I?) and then asking him questions to see if he’d confess…. Yuck, that brings back horrible memories. I felt so guilty for spying, but yet the knowledge just confirmed what I could feel in my body and heart.

    And he so wanted it to be hidden. Though, I’m sure he “knew” that I knew, on some level. When I couldn’t take it anymore and told him I knew, it was finished. There was just no trust. For either of us.



  198.  #198Daria on September 20, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    “THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle

    :: WordWatch: Always/Never ::

    Today, notice whenever you use the words
    ALWAYS and NEVER.

    The power of these words is in their ability to
    *finalize* — to make something seem “written in
    stone” — and to establish a strong *expectation*.
    For example:

    “He ALWAYS throws a tantrum when we leave.”

    “I NEVER get enough sleep.”

    Remember, you tend to get what you expect, so when
    you hear yourself say such things, rephrase them
    using softer words that leave open the possibility of
    improvement:

    “SOMETIMES he throws a tantrum when we leave.
    (Maybe this time he’ll be fine.)”

    “It’s been a LONG TIME since I got enough sleep.
    (Perhaps I can sneak in a catnap today.)”

    But *do* use always/never with uplifting thoughts:

    “She ALWAYS finds her way.”

    “I NEVER make mistakes that I can’t recover from.”

    http://dailygroove.net/always-never“



  199.  #199Daria on September 20, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    mmm … i feel happy I got a footbath and am soaking feetsies and bout to watch a show



  200.  #200Mel on September 20, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    ♥ to you Lilybelly! xoxo



  201.  #201Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    I just feel like typing/writing.

    It feels good.
    It feels good for my fingers to move and for my thoughts and feelings to flow out of my fingers.
    It feels like magic.
    It feels like a gift.

    “It feels like” aren’t true feeling messages. I understand that.

    It feels cathartic.
    It feels over-flowing.
    as though I am a well full of water, and every additional gift makes me bubble over.
    Water spills down my sides.
    It hydrates.
    It feels soothing.
    Water is life-giving.
    I am capable of giving life.
    That’s feminine.

    I want to curse.

    I am capable of feminity.



  202.  #202Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    I feel so lonely on the phone at work. 🙁



  203.  #203Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    Miss Bells,

    I know it hurts, but you are way to deep into this, understandably, to see things entirely clearly from both sides, because you are hurting.

    Rori says if they are not right in front of you, they don’t exist. Right now, you are treating her like a rival, and you are therefore giving her that right energetically.

    Please try to see that you are making him wrong when in fact he has been spending time with YOU, ignoring HER calls.

    Also, I am sure he has picked up that you keep moving things out, so what is he to think about you having an open heart to him and about the situation?

    I sense there would be a much calmer ‘stance’ here to hold, if you could see clearly. He does snuggle with you…

    “Also– he has been signing his emails ciao lately. I told him I didn’t like it–it was too impersonal.” How can he not when you are moving your stuff out?

    “I hate living in two places, and need my things with me.” You are telling him if you say it this way, that you WANT to move your things out. Is this true? How can he move forward in these circumstances? Leaning back is not about putting up a wall.

    He does send you emails, see you, snuggle with you, go on dates with you… I feel confused. But I am sorry as I know I may be missing large pieces of information on your story. But it almost seems like you are making it the way it is. Does this make any sense?



  204.  #204Iamabutterfly on September 20, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    It feels really healing and exhilarating when a caller treats me like a person.

    when a caller asks me how I’m doing, and tells me about the sunshine where he is.



  205.  #205Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    I would make it a point to not look for what I don’t want to see.



  206.  #206Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Miss Bells,

    How does knowing about OW make you feel around him? How do you show/share these feelings to him?



  207.  #207Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    Miss Bells,

    Do you see how this is extremely blamey:

    “What I said Friday was “I can feel the hair stand up on my neck like I can FEEL you talking to her.””

    You loose when you do this. Please don’t. This is a not an FM because the word feel is in there.



  208.  #208Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    Miss Bells,

    I am sorry… I feel harsh. I don’t like to see sister Sirens hurting themselves like this. It makes me feel very protective and it comes out all harsh.



  209.  #209Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    Commitment Blueprint is a long, amazing program, which I broke into seven steps of a process. And those seven steps turned out to be very powerful, so I’ve created more programs that go into depth in each one of those steps. That’s how it kind of works.

    In Commitment Blueprint I break it down to Step One as intellectually understanding the dynamic between you and a man. I call this the Energy Bubble. Then there are all kinds of tools around that – like one of my most well-known ones: Leaning Back. How the dynamic works between you and a man. How if you “Lean Forward,” a man leans back. If you “Lean Back,” a man leans forward – and how that works in an energetic kind of intellectual sense.

    Then Step Two starts with what you have to stop doing. What you need to undo. All the things that you’ve been doing that are not working.

    Then Step Three I call The Invitation, which is What do you do instead of all the things you’re doing that don’t work – and The Invitation became a program called Modern Siren.

    Then Step Four is about managing your emotions – because once you stop doing things that you’ve been doing your whole life, patterns that are not working for you – you’re going to start to feel. Emotions are going to start to come up. Emotions that you’ve been trying to hide by doing all of those things that don’t work.

    I have a whole mass of Tools around what to do with those emotions when they come up, so you can deal with fear and you can deal with anxiety and actually kind of disappear the ways they’ve been showing up that are getting in your way, and instead USE the power of your emotions to get more of what you want with a man, more love, affection, tenderness, sex, everything.

    The Fifth Step is about loving yourself, which has become a big thing on the web, but I created small, very do-able tools for you to begin to love all parts of yourself, so that a man can love you.

    My Sixth Step I call Circular Dating. It’s a concept I came up with, which I created a whole other program around called Targeting Mr. Right. Circular Dating is not just about dating. It’s not just about getting a bunch of numbers of men around you, although it’s kind of crucial that you do that.

    What it is – Circular Dating is practicing my tools “in the field.” It is every time you speak to a man on the street or behind the counter at a market or in a coffeehouse, every time you smile at a man, you’re having a Circular Date. It can be a boy. It can be an older man. It can even be a woman.

    It simply means you’re using my whole extensive toolkit of speaking and feeling, of using Feeling Messages, of sticking to my Four Rules, of all kinds of emotional tools and word tools and “Scripting” tools – and you’re practicing them out in the field. That’s what Circular Dating is. And it can look like actual dating, it looks like dating more than three men at a time – and I explain how to do that in Targeting Mr. Right.

    The Seventh Step – I call it Change Everything, which is about putting it all together to actually “shift your vibe.” In other words, you can change your hair. You can change the clothes you wear, the colors you wear and surround yourself with – all those things actually make an impact on how you feel about yourself. They actually do make a shift in your “vibe” and also the things you change on your inside.

    The routine you have from morning to night. What you think. What you think about what you think. What you think about what you believe. All of these things change your vibe and that is Step Seven.

    What I do in Commitment Blueprint is basically help you get this relationship to your “Happy Ever After” and that led me to Modern Siren, that is my most popular program and was a big surprise!



  210.  #210Smile on September 20, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    Hm FW- I’m intrigued about this part of shifting your vibe in step 7

    The routine you have from morning to night. What you think. What you think about what you think. What you think about what you believe. All of these things change your vibe and that is Step Seven.



  211.  #211Smile on September 20, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    “How do I find THE ONE?”
     
    You don’t.
     
    “The One” isn’t something you find,
    it’s something you create.
     
    There’s hundreds (thousands, maybe)
    of men you could be ecstatic
    with in this world. 
     
    The key is to find a great guy
    and build a relationship
    with him that deepens over time.
     
    Do it right and you’ll wake
    up one day to see “the one” right
    there under your nose.
     
     
    Best,
     
    Mike



  212.  #212Miss Bells on September 20, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    SA: @202
    I have moved out for very good reasons. He was being just AWFUL this summer–and then she left and he got cuddly again. But HIS stance is that we are friends only, but that is not what his actions say– but he stops short of sex because he knows he would have to be in 100% for that to be OK with me–then he tells me I should marry a doctor.

    He should know that I AM moving out–that all the cuddling in the world won’t make this right without him saying and meaning that he is IN love with me, and ditching what’s her face and getting off Match.
    We lived together for about four years when he started chasing some woman he met at a party I went to WITH him. It blew over in three weeks, but I moved out immediately.

    That was in the summer of 2011. By the end of August he was courting me, and by November we were sleeping together again, but he never sealed the deal, and I didn’t push it.

    My other place was terrible, and I was getting seriously ill. The kind of sick that can kill you. He has a hang up about money and though I was still broke, and though he is very well off, he did not offer to help me get some medical attention. But–I did move back in, and paid him a household contribution every month. That is when he placed me in the “friend zone.

    By the time I was able to afford medical treatment I was in bad shape. But I slowly got better.

    And everything else stayed the same as if we were still a REAL couple. We socialized with friends, I cooked every day, we snuggled–but no sex, we went on dates and outings.

    Then– when I got back from a business trip, I discovered that he was chasing around with this person–the trailer guy’s ex-gf.

    But–instead of just running like last year, I moved very slowly this time. I waited till I found a great place.I am not broke anymore, since have received my inheritance. And that OW blew over, mostly, in a few weeks. I will not treat her like a rival. That is part of why I moved.

    So, no, just dating me is not enough anymore, not while he is seeing ANYONE else. And if he wants me to live with him, he needs to marry me.

    If he is concerned about my moving my stuff to my new house it is on him to say so, and to do something to stop me. I need to feel that he is in love with me and is so crazy about me he won’t let me go. If I can’t have that, then he can’t have my snuggles, my attention, or my company.



  213.  #213Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    FW and Smile,

    I went from (too) blond for years, to a reddish/brunette last winter, to a brunette/copper/caramel, to caramel/with honey streaks and now to strawberry blond with blond streaks. I feel so different and beautiful every time.

    I changed my clothes too. I always wear sexy but acceptable and trendy, but mostly black, and jeans. I added a lot of peach and corals last winter, then soft blues and whites and creams this summer a lot of dresses and chiffon tops and skirts. Then shifted back to deep pinks and blues. I am now adding more black again for the fall but with deep tones of teal blue and raspberry reds. I just add a new vest here, a new pair of shoes there, a new top here. I also take out items from previous seasons and enjoy matching them up again differently.

    I am enjoying the ‘flow’ this has created around my femininity. I surprise myself and M is surprised.



  214.  #214Smile on September 20, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    This is my all time favourite Rori tool at the minite. It’s really helping me. I read it most days.

    1. Pave Over Your Flypaper

    Pave it over with rose petals, and fairy dust, and gold dust, and soft sand from exotic beaches. Make it soft.

    Make it so a man’s footprints can be felt, and yet he can fly away and the breeze will blow more gold and fairy dust and soft sand to leave a fresh place for another man – or 100 men! – to leave more footprints…

    And… perhaps stay awhile. Or forever.



  215.  #215Daria on September 20, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    Yay it’s working my pedicure is feelin looovely



  216.  #216Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    (((Miss Bells)))

    I am sorry you are going through this.

    “then he tells me I should marry a doctor.” and “the trailer guy’s ex-gf”. I get a sense here that he may think he is not good ENOUGH for you… The blaming will only enforce this in his mind.

    I understand your point however, it is truly a difficult situation to live in and handle.



  217.  #217MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Un-packing feels weird. I have thoughts about how annoying this actually is.I feel fake in this moment. Like I don’t actually want to be doing this. And effing grrrrrrrrrrr. And annoyed.



  218.  #218Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Smile,

    I feel curious… from which program is this tool?



  219.  #219MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    Now I don’t want to spend the weekend with G. Like…I’ve done all this work to move my stuff just to pack an effing bag and go back to his house for 3 nights.



  220.  #220Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    Miss Bells,

    Are you Cding?



  221.  #221MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    I feel angry right now. Grrrrrrrrr urrrrrrgh rawr! Rahhhhhhhhhhhh I feel a scream building in my chest and throat!!!

    So rediculous and I don’t want this difficulty in my life. I feel pi$$ed! I feel crazy hot angry. Not common for me. I just want to make loud growly noises from my gut. Like uuuuuuuuurgh uggggggggggg grrrrrrrrrrrraaaawr! Rrrrrrraaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! Ffffffffeck. Why do I feel sooooo effing angry!!!



  222.  #222Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    MissStix,

    I often feel that way too about bringing my stuff, then bringing it back. My current situation has put it in perspective though. I don’t care how many bags I have to pack, carry, unpack. I feel so happy when I go there and we are together.



  223.  #223Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    MissStix,

    My point is can you change your perspective, therefore shift your feeling, on this particular bag packing/unpacking thing?



  224.  #224Miss Bells on September 20, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    215/ 219
    When I asked him about the contact with her he made a comment about “putting up with him”. As in–I shouldn’t.

    If he felt blamed by what I was saying he would have exploded– he does have a temper–but I said it in a really airy way and got right off the subject without pressing him. We went inside and ate leftover Thai, and went on to a nice weekend–through Monday afternoon. She called again on Saturday, and agin on Monday, and then he called her back.
    But I also know he has been home alone except when I was there since then. I know because he was in fairly constant email and phone contact on Tuesday as we hashed out some technical things with his band promo. He would not have done that in front of her.

    Yes-I am CDing. I started a singles over 50 meetup in this area that now has nearly 300 members after one year. I started it last fall when we were broken up, and I didn’t stop when we got back together. I also am on POF and OK cupid, but mostly hate it.
    And–I still go out by myself as I always have.



  225.  #225Miss Bells on September 20, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    it feels FUCT to think about this.
    If I don’t accept rivalry there is none. If he wants to be with me he will be. I won’t fight over him like a two birds over a worm.
    But–if he wants to be with me he needs to be with me for real.



  226.  #226Goddess Lily on September 20, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    AAAAAAAHHHHHHH I’ve been feeling happy, really happy in fact. And then my recent ex calls and my dumb butt answered the phone. I should’ve ignored him but I thought that would be mean. He started talking as if we were still together or really good friends. Telling me about everything he’s been doing. I don’t care actually. Then he asked if I was still doing Insanity. I told him I stopped because I was losing my best “assets.” I lost 8 lbs but it was coming off all the wrong areas. To which he disagreed and began to debate with me….something I always hated when we were together. I immediately felt agitated and angry with myself for allowing this to happen. Why do I feel so irritated so fast? Why couldn’t I just ignore him and not engage in debating this time? I feel tense now. Ironic since I was attempting to plan a weekend getaway for myself at a hotel and spa right before he called. I’m even typing angrily. And now I want cinnamon rolls!!!!!

    And then he called back to apologize for debating with me. I told him I feel bad when I have to debate. He said he enjoys debating, just not with me….then he tried to make small talk which was extremely awkward.

    After this talk, he will feel better….and I will still be tense!



  227.  #227Daria on September 20, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    Triggered off in my head in blaming groups of people land 🙁

    Missing that included feeling

    Making it up thru us vs them thoughts

    Ouch



  228.  #228Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    (((Miss Bells)))

    I am sorry if I triggered more emotion.

    I see you are taking really good care of yourself and that must feel good to you even though the Cding is ‘work’.

    I get here that she is the one chasing him, not the other way around, and that you are the one blaming him… Just a thought. Again, I may be wrong.



  229.  #229Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    Daria, you are inspiring me to give myself a lovely pedicure. 🙂



  230.  #230Daria on September 20, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    I feel pist. Bliss blocking? Grr



  231.  #231Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    Miss Bells,

    I am sorry, but this is THE part I would cut out ” I know because he was in fairly constant email and phone contact on Tuesday as we hashed out some technical things with his band promo. ” Why are you helping him, doing things for him, when you are feeling frustrated with this man? You want to be in his heart, not in his brain or his mother.



  232.  #232Miss Bells on September 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    #228
    It started with him chasing her.
    I think that has changed. She SAW us together for months when she was visiting Doug. He likely told HER I was “just a housemate”. She never so much as spoke to me the whole time she was there with Doug.
    I think the whole thing changed when she realized I was not just a housemate. Doug thought we were married…
    I am sure he talked about me WAY to much. That is something he does. Part of her dramatic exit was because I was still there. And I still am.
    Only now– the only reason for me to be there is his desire. he can’t blame it on my being a housemate, and neither can she.
    So I think now he is saying -yeah–call me if you are around– and she is– but he is and has given her VERY little.
    I am not willing to receive crumbs. If she is–she wins. And yes–up until now it was a battle. But not now. I have had time to center myself and think this through. I have been THE woman for a loooong time.
    If i REALLY leave he will know what he is losing.
    The only thing left now is to jump, and feel the free fall to the next thing. Which may yet be him the way I want him, not as it has been up till now. I am taking a stand and choosing me.



  233.  #233Daria on September 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    I hear you anger I love you

    And I’m choosing to believe I am creating everything even the horrible stuff. I’m choosing not to blame. This will give us infinite power. Thank you for being here w me n voting for me. You’re intense and awesome and I feel powerful w u supporting me.



  234.  #234Daria on September 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Siren Angel I feel glad to be seen and to be inspiring yay 🙂



  235.  #235Dominique on September 20, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    Iamabutterfly – 171 – Thank you for this. I feel touched and teary eyed. 🙂

    You do know that butterflies are my favorite creature don’t you? I’ve been taking pictures of them all summer and posting them on my FB pages. They grow them really big here.

    xxoo



  236.  #236Dominique on September 20, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    Femininewoman – I feel badly for you that your test didn’t go well, but maybe you can take comfort in holding close the notion that everything happens for the best of reasons, for your greater good. You may never know why it unfolded like this, and this is okay.

    You can try again at another time maybe, or maybe another, better opportunity will reveal itself to you.

    xxoo



  237.  #237Dominique on September 20, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    Siren Angel – 🙂

    xxoo



  238.  #238Siren Angel on September 20, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    Miss Bells,

    I hear you. I am sorry this situation if unfolding the way it is, but you know your situation and him better.

    It feels good to see you are taking care of you.



  239.  #239Daria on September 20, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Sigh :). I feel so powerful when I’m noticing myself going into that us them thing. I feel so much intensity there that I feel yummy with, but maybe I’m just having low blood pressure. And also the truth is it doesn’t really feel Good.

    Some good and also sad. Like fighting back.

    Hmmmmh

    Mgh

    Mgh

    Hey I really think I may be part Gypsy on my dads side.

    Maybe not tho I feel confused.

    But my soul and talents are really easy into it.

    Like I went DUMB on Flamenco even tho I only did it 2 months, while I was doing Egyptian belly dance for like 8 years.

    And now I can sing… Romanian music … Not on notes

    And I jerk and love being loud free , colors and in groups and don’t care about ‘class’ but do like showing off

    Ok

    I’m so mixed w Greek Russian and I think that Mongolian or Cuman Asian steppe rider.

    Hmmm

    And I’m here too Danubian queen.

    Fun to be a mix and not a mix both .

    Jerk.

    It would feel fun to make babies w a man w awesome features that are diff than mine in some ways so we can mix even more of earths current babies.

    Also I feel afraid to say I am running away from men and thinking a different man don’t bring the problems of these men.

    But found yesterday the belief that all types of men can worship the goddess.

    I’m creating the world right now.

    Mnmmh

    I feel disappointed ciz mr healer man is still being himself and I’ve felt kinda unheard by him sometimes.

    But his info is good and intuition tells me to pick up some help here.

    I’m not heroic tradition – shakes head – but it can help me get some help w what I want .

    I can use what I learn wise woman style and share share share yes.

    I’m feeling overwhelmed by life what if I don’t have enough life I’m already 30.

    30 years here uffff

    Why do I have to want to Transform Everuthing on a big scale.

    It can be just a small shift like seeing auras yes infinite posss….

    But I seem to want to use my masc energy for it, doing loud talking being seen and followed… Hmmm

    If I shift myself there won’t be need to shift others and I feel concerned about them

    They would be inspired by me tho!

    Hmmmm

    So what do I do w this huge masculine energy ?

    Masc energy, it would feel so good to experience myself transformed the way I was thinking about the world to be. What do you think?

    It would feel great to have help. What do you think?

    Well we can do those stretches yes.

    Hmm feeling sleepy.

    Masc energy is attracted I feel attractive abd inviting yes.



  240.  #240Daria on September 20, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    Stop focusing or ‘wortying’ about the world or how to get across to ‘them’ yes. Just focus on me and creating what pleases me and sharing what feels good to me yes.

    When thinking about ‘world’ notice and pretend it doesn’t exist???

    Wont my masc energy get bored, constrained,

    Won’t I be robbing my world of masc energy?

    Put all masc energy into me.

    But isn’t that one of my passions?

    We don’t know, seems more like addiction, let’s cut it out and keep it turned onto helping Me and see what happens.

    Yes masc all for feminine. Not for out there, for my tree, yes I receive it all ce teeing it all on me again.

    I feel moved and tingly warmth nose

    Tears

    Wow u feel surprised

    Sign that yes I feel moved

    Thas wassup

    Thank you for hearing me masc energy Daria.

    I feel relieved.



  241.  #241Starla on September 20, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    I feel really lost. What test? What’s wrong, FW?

    I feel worried



  242.  #242Daria on September 20, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    This is some magical shit

    I hope I can stick to it

    I’m damn good at sticking to shit like this so I feel moved again knowing how huge this is

    I made it

    I’m on the road to heaven I just ‘saved’ myself



  243.  #243Annie on September 20, 2012 at 3:50 pm

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  244.  #244Daria on September 20, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    Passions feel good. Not addictions right?

    Won’t the worldbe bereft of my masc energy

    What about out the window

    Agh

    It wasn’t serving me.

    I’m crying and I know this feels good and intriguing.

    This experiment is the way and will be checking how it feels along it.

    Ah I remember there’s doubts when I stopped putting masculine energy towards my brothers.

    But aren’t they fucked up?

    Jerk

    Not really,

    Some are dead.

    But it’s a choice.

    This is way bug way deep. And I didn’t lean back in my head.

    Way about the kids?

    The kids ‘need’ masc energy no?

    Some yeah

    Hmm chest tight

    Feel confused.

    Try it out, w the world. More will be seen as we practice.

    Sigh.

    Focusing on fem is the way.

    She ‘needs it more than the kids.

    The kids will be taken care of spontaneously, naturally.

    My well being spreads well being.

    I gotta believe that. Just know it in the unknown.

    No energy toward battle means creating my life.

    I can create peace.

    More self caring woman means more wisdom.

    Naturally taken care of. Trust trust.

    Pain fear.

    Thoughts it would feel good to have help here, taking care of me. What do you think?

    I think putting sheets in closet would feel good.

    I want hugs and relax and comfort.
    Umgh

    Yeah I can do that for you. Guts churning feeling panicked not paid attention to. Feeling torn in two.

    Clingy.

    Effort to turn attention to me. Gentle. Peace.

    Soft. Slow. Hmmm… That feels so good…

    Hmmh

    Mmmmm

    Feels yum

    Hmgh

    🙂

    Hhhh heart feels anxious

    Heart beats powerfully calmly

    Warming chest n pelvis for me

    Jerk

    Mnmm feel soft



  245.  #245Butterfly wings on September 20, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    LiliBee – I’ve seen a LOT of similarities between your situation and mine. Our men are quite different but I think you and I are quite similar in many ways!

    Scary huh?? 😀



  246.  #246Daria on September 20, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    My thinking mind is excellent at understanding, but I don’t think understanding will help me here.

    I’m gona go at it on trust

    Intuition hells yeah

    Mhhhm



  247.  #247Daria on September 20, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    Sink



  248.  #248Daria on September 20, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    Flailing Grasping

    Seen honor transform



  249.  #249Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    The test was for a career shift, a promotion, significant increase. This was the second hurdle to cross. Really sad.



  250.  #250Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    Honestly Dominique I despise the try again line. That is what I was told today. I have all the standard corporate qualifications. This is just an additional layer of testing this section built in over the last couple of years. Seems the closer one gets to crossing the finish line they move the goalpost. In the meantime I see people come in from outside at higher levels.

    Anyway I don’t want to do the post mortem thing.



  251.  #251Dominique on September 20, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    Femininewoman – I so understand which is why I say that this may be a blessing in disguise, for maybe there is another, much more you opportunity around the corner. It just hasn’t revealed itself to you yet.

    And too there is always the possibility that you are being protected. Maybe the position you were aiming for would have brought unforeseen events, ones that may not have felt good.

    I do believe that the universe is not only infinitely patient but also infinitely wise (this being your higher self).

    xxoo



  252.  #252Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    Thanks Dominique



  253.  #253Femininewoman on September 20, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    One thing I must say, at the start the test would not come up. They had to call the IT guy twice and he ultimatley changed the computer. I started 25 minutes later than others. I said to myself this is not a good sign. Though I cheerled myself in the bathroom 10 minutes before I realised it took me a good half hour after starting to really get my juices flowing. I noticed the ease of thoughts and writing when it kicked it.



  254.  #254MissStix on September 20, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    mmmm daria your words are edible…And I want to keep saying mmmmm mmmmm this girl is aware. She knows what’s up…

    Hmmm how to love my anger…I feel resistance. I don’t want to be with it and it feels overwhelming today. Not like rage…That feels more focused and acute. Hmmm this anger was just ROAR and big and mighty and powerful. Urgh. Now i’m channeling it through me again. I simply don’t like you anger. And feeling you makes you grow mightier and I force you out through my mouth and into a pillow. But ok…That’s not so bad I guess. Because when i’m done I can say ahhhh and breathe and feel depressurized and ionized. Mmmm it feels just misty and light and fresh and glittery! Because I am in control of me and my doings. This is my need. To be home. And in fact I will not stay away from here for more than 3 nights in a row. And if I want to come home after 2 days then ummm yah I will! And that’s that. Hands brushed and hair flipped and he11s yah it feels all diva in my body! heh mmmm



  255.  #255Daria on September 20, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    wow miss stix hehe thanks feeling all shy



  256.  #256Daria on September 20, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    yeah… i’m really feeling peaceful and remembering times I got turned away from something that felt Big and… there’s actually still healing to do aroudn the emotions of the time,

    but then life changed course so magically that that wouldn’t have worked for me, and I wouldn’t want to be doing that now – ouch well some aspects of it will fele great but the underlying essential soul-fulfillng ‘significance’ has completely changed

    as in when i used to tutor and was so into it and now am well NOT into school as I have come to see that it’s a constraint on learning

    sighhhhhh

    and theres lots of examples from men world that we all know we’re glad we got our heartbroken well i am

    in ’emergency’ situations if i felt very bad like say if one of my parents died I would use Byron Katie and also Abraham videos to help me shift

    fast and gentle



  257.  #257Daria on September 20, 2012 at 5:10 pm

    i am doing Byron Katie around “I feel scared my parents will die” and it just felt very relieving…



  258.  #258Daria on September 20, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    I can still use the knowlege of math and english and help someone else but I want to do something else that feels more authentic and fulfilling energy wise, now that I’m not putting schooling on a pedestal (and alternating fighting against that concept at the same time)



  259.  #259Daria on September 20, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    there are signs that show me ahead of time that its no longer a fit for me, but when i hold on and cling sometimes it takes a painful rip to shift … would have felt gentle to be aware at first, but felt too tightened up and holding on sometimes

    i feel concerned about taht for some of the non CDing ladies in uncommitted relationships

    but its all learning and sometimes painful heartbreak later may feel better than letting go of something im just not ‘able’ to at the time, love for me, learning to be aware and take care of me in babysteps

    some of the traumas feel so overwhelming,

    im a brave woman

    and a wise woman now

    and actually feel pretty safe knowing that now

    and also afraid, have i outgrown heartbreak, mmm in some waysa nd in some ways i still feel afraid

    more love to me

    shifting is FAST

    letting msyelf out the SIDE door yes

    mhhm



  260.  #260Daria on September 20, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    taking my feelings into account around my decisions of activities such as stretching feels so loving

    mm i feel down head purrr purrr

    i say oh i feel kinda sick and queasy and also i would like to have this exercise done what do you think?

    oh ok mmm it would feel great to do it in a fun way, what do you think?

    oh yes we can do gentle would that feel good?

    yes that would feel good yum

    i put on my shoes and its already done now wow

    side door out of resistance dialogue with feeling girl ask how she feels yes feels comfort warm

    naturally done yes

    i feel tight in my chest and queasy and also i want to honor my Godson for his birthday and let him know i love him what do you think?



  261.  #261luzydel on September 20, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    I don’t want to think that there is a man for me out there; and I do not want to think that there Isn’t one either.
    I just want to be happy in this moment and do the things I love, not thinking about a man either real or imaginary…



  262.  #262Daria on September 20, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    ouch



  263.  #263Daria on September 20, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    the conversation im having in my head with his mom right now is sounding real solid and affirming and real

    i like this conversation

    i know it would go just like this too

    i wonder what ill feel like tomorrow

    i still have a lot of time to do EFT and heal on this so I feel excited to see how transformed and open and connected and powerful and warm I feel by his birthday

    🙂

    thank you Daria for doing this for me.

    i know this feels great to me to have connections in my life and grow longstanding ones



  264.  #264Daria on September 20, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    i know it feels important to me to feel honored and powerful ina connection

    mmm



  265.  #265Daria on September 20, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    my responses to men online are so much more dialed back right now and im finally experiencing that “peace” rori talks about when being totally in feelings

    yesssss

    many times i dont answer at all!

    and its not affecting attraction or how much im being contacted, i mean i can FEEL myself just being, not controlling and that is attractive, I feel attractive and interesting and huge

    I can tell the men must be more at ease … sigh … ah yes

    it just feels so freeing!

    sooo deeply comfortable

    smh

    it feels dope

    i can handle having men ‘around’ online, I can handle my feelings

    im not letting myself get overwhelmed by feleing obligated to respond, maybe i even respond once and if i dont feel inspired to respond i dont, but not mean just cuz this is my energy and im just being right now,a nd actually thats encouraging to men, cuz they feel safe to come close and come Into me

    yum

    yayy!

    I ‘get’ it on a whole new level and its sticking!

    and I jsut thought i can practice this feeling of being when i feel tense and scared of men on the street

    mmm



  266.  #266Radlove on September 20, 2012 at 6:07 pm

    I feel overwhelmed.



  267.  #267Daria on September 20, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    I’m practicing in my head w the big one my dad

    Mm



  268.  #268LiliBee on September 20, 2012 at 6:37 pm

    245:

    Yeah scary BW!

    I’m struggling right now.
    Resisting the urge to call.
    Resisting the urge to control.

    I feel so yuck and tense.

    He called earlier just to let me know he had to work and may not hear my call, so not to worry if I couldn’t reach him.
    He said he would call if he didn’t get home too late.

    I’m feeling suspicious and very insecure.

    The last time he pulled away like that and called less often was bc he was calling another woman.

    I’m sitting wondering if he warned me I might not be able to get a hold of him coz he was on a date.

    I hate this.

    Wouldn’t it be simply to be able to talk to each other about what’s going on instead of pulling away from each other like this?



  269.  #269Miss Bells on September 20, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    #268
    Yeah–I know.
    I feel lonely and bummed that I have to worry.
    But no urge to pick up the phone or email anything. He will come to me.
    We have all kinds of threads tying us together. Probably too many if he really isn’t in love with me and won’t ever be. Rori says men will hold onto women they love but are not in love with just to have the company and whatever else they can get. It is my job to make sure this doesn’t happen, if that is what it is.



  270.  #270Miss Bells on September 20, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    203
    SA–i started thinking about this–If this were something I could turn around without moving I would…
    He NEED to FEEL me moving away. If these tools work and he was ever in love with me this will draw him closer, not push him away.

    #231 I have worked for him for years in his music biz and printing biz. He still things I do, and up till now I haven’t been unhappy with this arrangement–yes he PAYS me well–I insist on it. We have talked about being full partners in the print brokerage he started 26 years ago. I could bring in fresh clients and help build it back up, while acquiring a 50% interest in an established biz. He is also paying me $500 to load a book he owns the right to onto Kindle. This is another aspect of the extreme complexity and entanglement here.
    But–I don’t help him like a mom would. And I never TELL him what to do.
    He knows I have a real knack for fixing glitchy software. I will be sitting peacefully doing my thing when I hear “BELLS!!”–my printer WON”T WORK!! he know I can fix it and I can’t hide that fact.



  271.  #271Miss Bells on September 20, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    270 that should be thinks not things. Feeling sloppy tonight.



  272.  #272Memulo on September 20, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    SA,

    Wow, it felt so good to read about your dress style. I love skirts and dresses too! It’s nice to wear color in fall and winter. Even in winter a short skirt and warm tights feel good. I bet you look amazing in dresses.



  273.  #273Mia_Vitta on September 20, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    Oh, Virginia, you are so amazing, and put things into such a fantastic, and delicious perspective!



  274.  #274k2012 on September 20, 2012 at 8:24 pm

    Wow. Wonderful. I am in bed thinking about the same issue. Where is Mr. Right and why can’t I find him. Tomorrow is 8 weeks since my ex disappeared and I am slowly getting over him. I am getting there, trust me. But I need to meet my husband and that’s what I am here thinking. He is out there somewhere. And I will find him. I am longing for a wonderful partner, someone who will treat me with love and respect.



  275.  #275Radlove on September 20, 2012 at 9:03 pm

    I spent the day yesterday with my friend in another state, who I’ve known since 1989. She’s helping me financially to help her with her paperwork.

    It felt good to have someone to talk to about R who knows me personally, who doesn’t make yucky assumptions about me like implying that I’m crazy or something. I feel hurt when I talk about him sometimes on the blog. It felt good to feel instantly understood by her.



  276.  #276Tereana on September 20, 2012 at 10:18 pm

    I love these great nuggets from the post:

    “You will meet him faster if you believe he’s there.”

    YES!

    “you are responsible for putting out the “vibe” that will attract the right man to you.”

    Absolutely.

    “expecting him is like opening the door.”

    I love that.



  277.  #277Smile on September 20, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    Siren angel, it felt so beautiful to read how you change your hair and clothes. I feel inspired… I am long over due a cut. It feels long and lank with a few strands of grey! Eek! Although it looks pretty when I add large waves with my curling wand.

    The tool was in roris email recently. I loved it instantly!

    Its felt a struggle not to push strummingman away recently and in the past I’ve always held on to him. With this toll I can allow him to come in and out, leave his footprint but still stay on my horse.

    I’ll post the whole tool below for you.



  278.  #278Smile on September 20, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    Tool: Finding Good Love That Really Sticks

    1. Pave Over Your Flypaper

    Pave it over with rose petals, and fairy dust, and gold dust, and soft sand from exotic beaches. Make it soft.

    Make it so a man’s footprints can be felt, and yet he can fly away and the breeze will blow more gold and fairy dust and soft sand to leave a fresh place for another man – or 100 men! – to leave more footprints…

    And… perhaps stay awhile. Or forever.

    2. Leave it up to him

    Let him choose: Stay or go.

    I know this feels totally impossible when we’re clinging to a thread of a relationship. When we want things to work out, when we want things to go the way we want them to go. When we’ve waited so long for love, and finally a man has shown up who told us he loved us. Perhaps he even promised us love.

    Yet, if you can remember this, you’ll feel SO much better and be SO much more attractive to ANY man:

    The difference between what a man says and what he does are the difference between a lifelong love partnership, and a fling.

    It doesn’t matter if the fling lasts days, weeks, months or even years (and, yes – many men are totally capable of allowing friendly “flings” to endure for years…) if it isn’t a lifelong love partnership, with all the commitment bells and whistles you desire in order to relax and feel happy, then it’s still a “fling.”

    If you’re not watching what he does, you can accidentally use my Rori Raye Tools to keep a fling going for such a long time that you may get lulled into thinking it’s going to be forever. (Yes – the Tools are THAT powerful.)

    Instead, use my Tools to bring so MANY men close to you that you NEVER feel at any one man’s mercy.

    Just because you love him and are invested in him doesn’t mean he has a claim on you UNTIL he actually claims you.

    So let HIM make the decisions about where the relationship is going. And YOU make the decisions about whether what he wants is what YOU want.

    This is where YOU get to stay or go, too. This is THE most powerful place you can come from inside yourself – the most powerful message you can deliver to a man: That you will not be trying to convince him to be with you forever.

    That, instead, you’ll trust him to make his own decisions based on how he feels and what he wants. And then you’ll see if that’s enough for you. This mental attitude can make you feel incredibly powerful and peaceful – both at the same time. Now…

    3. Put imaginary plants around your mental and emotional self

    Plants that will give you shade for your thoughts and feelings. Plants that will nurture and feed you… And most of all – plants that will invite a man to sit in the shade with you and share your bounty.

    4. Don’t ask him to “stick”

    Don’t be afraid of him going. The most attractive woman in the world is one who’s not holding on, acting like glue. The prize here is YOU – not him!

    Remember – if you’re flypaper, you’re stuck to a man, too! That means you’re stuck with the ones who aren’t filling up your needs and your heart!

    And, in case you want to hang onto your flypaper and put it in a drawer and take it out for “special occasions” and “special men” – ask yourself this:

    Why Would You Ever Even Need Flypaper?

    When a “good” man finds you – a man who’s determined to make it his life’s mission to make you ecstatically happy – you don’t NEED flypaper! He stays and sticks because he WANTS to. Because he wants YOU.

    Try this in your imagination, and see how it works magically in the real world, with a real man – no matter HOW you’re feeling right now: Change your flypaper to lovely, sweet, feeling-filled you – the way you know you are deep inside yourself when you’re happy and don’t want or need anything – and change your life.

    Do it one minute at a time. One tiny second, in fact, at a time. Practice it everywhere, and see how much calmer, sexier, simpler, and more relaxed you feel.

    To get even more Tools like this one, and watch me guiding you through them to be a real, true INVITATION to a man – so he ALWAYS wants to “stick” to you like glue without you doing anything to make it happen – check out my Modern Siren program right here:



  279.  #279Smile on September 20, 2012 at 10:33 pm

    Oo this part feels scary. Like I want shout WARNING to sirens using roris tools. Here’s the small print!

    ‘If you’re not watching what he does, you can accidentally use my Rori Raye Tools to keep a fling going for such a long time that you may get lulled into thinking it’s going to be forever. (Yes – the Tools are THAT powerful.)’



  280.  #280Tam on September 20, 2012 at 11:06 pm

    278..oh Smile, I don’t want to fall into that trap…that resonates with me, yikes



  281.  #281Tam on September 20, 2012 at 11:45 pm

    This feels yucky:

    ‘Rori says men will hold onto women they love but are not in love with just to have the company and whatever else they can get.’

    I doesn’t feel good to wonder whether a man is holding onto me while he is waiting for his ‘dream woman’, just because I am good company. Might be what I am finding myself in right now 🙁



  282.  #282Annie on September 21, 2012 at 1:33 am

    I feel so upset, my heart hurt.
    Oh the parody, unbelievable yet predictable.

    Oh actions speak so much louder than words.
    Don’t they just!

    Just found out the Father of my children who ‘claims’ to want to still be married and be the man I want, fall back in love with me blah blah blah.
    Wants what I want re healthy intimate loving relationships with children and is wanting to prove that he can get better at it is considering working abroad for a while and doing contract work. And chatted ages to a recruitment woman last night.

    Now if I hadn’t leaned forward and asked I would have been none the wiser. I lean’t forward and asked. My gut told me something was off.
    All the excused under the sun when I pulled him up about lack of communication again. One of the main reasons for me wanting the divorce.
    I feel upset but at least I now know. I would rather know. I hate things being sprung on me. It feels awful.

    So what do those actions say to me. Well they say the complete opposite to his words. ” I want to stay married build relationships with you and my children I want to get better at this.
    Righteo, so how on earth will the action of being in a different country and not even being here help build better communication and intimacy with people.

    So no going to see anyone and learning how to communicate better then nope move further away and not even be in the same country.

    Now I feel angry, want to distance myself even more, feel totally totally repelled, sickened. YUCK!!!! I do not want a man like that. I do not want a man like that anywhere near my children WE DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.

    I feel so angry I want to cry. Oh God I have wasted my life on this!!!!!!!!!!

    I really could do with some help on how to communicate this in a better way. Honestly this is how I would say it to him if he were in the room right now. I would be really harsh like this if not worse. I want to really physically hurt him. I don’t get how any man could just not try harder to have a real loving relationship with his children.

    I DON’T GET IT!!!!!!!!

    Well I suppose I do if that’s what you had with your own Dad, it’s what you learnt.

    I suppose what I really don’t get is don’t they want to break that and have a better relationship with their own child so the same fuuuuuuuuuuing pattern is not repeated for the next generation and his children don’t do the same.

    It feels crap that I have no control over this.

    I really want to say all of this to him.
    grrrrr. sigh!



  283.  #283Daria on September 21, 2012 at 1:55 am

    Miss Bells – ah . Seeing the tweaks here.

    If he yells at you ‘Bells, my printer won’t work’ and you answer to that, that would kill the attraction for sure, putting you in the man position.

    Do you Need. N. E. E. D. That money? If no then I would no longer help, because it’s what’s killing the attraction.

    If Yes, then I’d really invest in ways to change that financial need. And I still wouldn’t answer to that call. Just lean back until he comes to address you directly focused on your feelings not his.

    If he comes and tells at you instead, use Feeling Messages and walk away tool.



  284.  #284Heart on September 21, 2012 at 2:44 am

    Annie – you’re upset because he talked to another woman?



  285.  #285Memulo on September 21, 2012 at 2:50 am

    Hmm SmartCD did not ask me out for last night like he always does. He texted to share a trouble, but I did not respond since there was no questions in his text.

    I had other pretty wonderful plans yesterday, but he didn’t know about it. I wonder what is going on. It feels sometimes that he likes to have time for himself while keeping me as well. I don’t know how to explain it and not even 100% sure it’s true. It’s like keeping me, giving me enough to have me hooked, but going out on his own whether just with male friends or not only on the side. Other than being less available I am not sure what to do. We had such a good time together for rosh hashana and then he just stopped contact for 3 days. Feels weird.



  286.  #286Memulo on September 21, 2012 at 2:55 am

    I feel like that boring ‘wife’ that a guy wants to keep, but also have some fun on the side. Except I am not a ‘wife’ and who knows what I am exactly:)



  287.  #287Memulo on September 21, 2012 at 2:59 am

    Annie, maybe he was just curious? If he talked to someone about options to work abroad it doesn’t automatically mean he is acting on it to hurt you or your relationship. Maybe he just talked, maybe he wants you to come with him, etc.?



  288.  #288Annie on September 21, 2012 at 3:06 am

    No heart. I feel confused I am not upset that he spoke to another woman.

    I feel upset because his actions do not match his words.
    Re saying he wants to become a better Husband and Dad and be emotionally available for his children and have a happy healthy loving relationship with them.
    And then taking and considering, planning on taking an action that would lead to more emotional distance and even physical distance.

    That is why I am upset, the woman is irrelevant, could have been a man. That part is of no relevance. The relevant part is her job re looking for people to work abroad and him considering that.

    That is hardly the action of a man who claims to want to be there and work on building a healthier more intimate a relationship with his child.
    That action is the complete opposite.

    What do you think?



  289.  #289Annie on September 21, 2012 at 3:07 am

    No Memulo lol. He does not want us to go with him.



  290.  #290Memulo on September 21, 2012 at 3:12 am

    oops, I just checked, he is on a dating site. Feels disgusting. Just how do I confront him about it??



  291.  #291Daria on September 21, 2012 at 3:13 am

    this is what Rori teaches , but in diff words

    “BodyMind Energetic Processes
    I. What is it like working through an activated complex of forces?
    These forces magnetize the ego into the vortex of their distortion. The
    behaviors that had been driven by the presence of the complex lose their
    fuel. You can’t go about business as usual. The harder you use ‘doing’/effort
    to resume normal activity the more negatively you are impacted. Your ego
    gets increasingly agitated and bullheaded. This ‘resistance’ generates a lot of
    tension in the body and or psyche. One experiences fatigue, muscle tension
    and/or frustration. Finally, ‘being’ in the energy distortion sets it free. You
    may feel dunked by the process.
    II. How to do this with skill and understanding.
    1. Learn about the nature of the phenomena. Study your stress reactions
    and develop the insight that they are cues to stored energy complexes.
    2. BECOME SKILLED AT NOTICING WHEN YOU GO INTO
    RESISTANCE TO A SITUATION OR PERSON. (Our enculturation
    teaches us we are defective to have reactions to things. It esteems us
    for solid, stable toughness and durability versus attuning to what’s real
    for us and setting free the insights of our sensitivities.)
    3. Become skilled at locating and connecting with your core energy
    centers.
    4. Learn basic Qi Gong and Raja Yoga techniques to discharge the
    stored emotional energy and then study and disassemble the
    introjected ideas driving the emotions.”

    http://drukindred.com/QiGong.pdf



  292.  #292Annie on September 21, 2012 at 3:14 am

    And prove to me that he is capable of the type of co parenting I want with me.



  293.  #293Heart on September 21, 2012 at 3:18 am

    #287-Annie – well I can feel your disappointment and it’s warrented. At the end of the day though, he just talked to the woman…I don’t know the circumstances. Maybe an FM?



  294.  #294Annie on September 21, 2012 at 3:21 am

    If He’s Going From Passionate To Friendly

    Thank you for your brilliant comments and stories and testimonials, and I realize the only way I can answer you in a meaningful way is here in actual posts (please forgive me in advance for replying to some, and not all of your comments – it would be overwhelming for me to even try, so I try to pick the ones from new members of our community, and urgent or frightening issues – and I want to bless you all from my heart for the brilliant help you’re giving each other. If I take issue with anything you say, I’ll reply for sure – but so far – you’re all right on!) – So, here’s my take on this scenario a lot of you seem to be struggling with :

    He wants to be a friend, but when you see him and have sex with him it’s amazing, and so you can’t understand why he’s merely “friendly” when he leaves.

    Here’s the answer: Men are different from women.

    He can have a knock-out, deeply emotional sexual experience with you – sex that “blows-his-mind,” in a way you can FEEL. A way that feels just like the deep emotional experience YOU’RE having. But it’s NOT the same as what you’re feeling.

    When we have an orgasm with a man – all kinds of things open up. The hormone oxytocin floods us, and binds us to the man in a scientifically physical and emotional way. Even if he’s a man we weren’t initially attracted to – having a great emotional and physical orgasm with him will bring us into the “falling in love” range.

    A man doesn’t work that way. His hormones work completely differently. His GUT tells him who to love and who not to love, and love, for him, does not GROW from not-love. Love does not grow from friendship for a man. And love does not grow from mind-blowing sex. Sex only ADDS TO what he already feels – it CAN’T get those feelings STARTED.

    And once his “infatuation” or whatever he felt for you at first turns to “friendship” – that’s pretty much it.

    However – a man who’s “in love” in the first place does NOT turn his feelings into “friendship.” If he says he wants to be “friends” – then that’s very possibly the way he ALWAYS felt.

    You can save yourself so much pain by NOT ASSUMING ANYTHING. Just because it looks like love to you, and feels like love to you – it doesn’t mean it’s love to HIM.

    So what’s the only way to know what he’s really and truly feeling?

    Over time, he will insist on a commitment from you. That’s pretty much it.

    That means – you NEVER stop dating other men until that commitment is coming at you. And I don’t mean the “girlfriend” commitment – because that’s NOTHING (unless you’re young and still in school). I mean the MARRYING commitment. I mean what HE thinks of as FOREVER.

    And if, over time, that commitment is not automatically coming at you, then you have to TALK TO HIM.

    The absolutely MOST APPEALING thing a woman can do is SPEAK. And what I mean by that is that you are able to say out loud, in clear words, in a very straight-forward and simple way – exactly what it is you’re feeling, exactly what it is you want, exactly what it is you want him to do in bed, exactly what it is you DON’T want.

    If you can “Speak In The Moment” – so that there are few misunderstandings, so he doesn’t have to guess what’s going on with you (because that’s nearly impossible for ANY man – they just don’t work that way), so he can feel relaxed around you and not wonder why you’re tense or cold or what you’re really feeling…you will build an UNBREAKABLE BOND with a man who ALREADY LOVES you!

    The possibility of “Forever Love” has to be there for him (and it’s not something you can understand or figure out) before ANYTHING else can kick in.

    He has to feel that deep down sense of ATTRACTION – and although you are in control of so much about attraction (any of you who have my Modern Siren program can talk about that, I know) – there are parts of attraction you can’t have any control of.

    There are pheremones, and links to his mother and father, and the sound of your voice, and things about you that feel familiar to him and things that feel strange – it’s like a “stew” for him that he just feels in his GUT.

    Without the “raw materials” of whatever it is that kicks in attraction for a man – there’s nothing you can do.

    However – there’s a lot you CAN do AFTER THAT. All you need is the initial attraction, to know that it’s there for him in a scientific and gut level for him, and you can create more and more attraction until his “infatuation” or “initial attraction” turns into the real thing for him.

    So – when you “Speak In The Moment” – when you Talk To Him. When you ask him where he’s at, listen to him, and then use that information to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF – that creates MORE and DEEPER attraction.

    What he says is what you get. Men don’t get all gooey and confused when they talk. For the most part, they tell the truth. They’re just not as good at NOT telling the truth as we are (unless he’s a deeply gifted Toxic Man with a smooth tongue).

    So if he utters the words “I want to be your friend” – beware. Any energy you spend trying to turn that into passion will look needy, clingy, desperate – and like you aren’t HEARING HIM.

    He will feel unheard and unsafe – and he will also automatically assume that YOU are telling the truth.

    If you say “okay” to “sex buddy” status – he’ll let you.

    He’ll figure you know what you’re doing.

    He’ll figure you’re doing what you want.

    He’ll let you take responsibility for you.

    So don’t get mad at him. He’s telling you to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. And don’t be confused.

    To a man: Friends can have sex. Friends can have PASSIONATE sex. Friends can hold hands and kiss. Friends can hang out every night of the week. Friends can do everything together that LOOKS like “relationship” to us. But it isn’t. It isn’t relationship.

    Because one thing friends can’t have is ROMANCE. You can’t make it up, or will it into being.

    And another thing friends can’t have is commitment and marriage. Because no self-respecting man would be interested in doing that – no matter how your “relationship” looks to you.

    Thank him, and KEEP DATING.

    OH GOSH, I feel so pissed off why aren’t mothers teaching this to their daughters.
    🙁 🙁 :(.
    Why are we now as a society teaching our girls that it’s fine to have sex and just protected yourself with contraception etc.

    Sex education at school. Why are why are we not teaching our children about the emotional element.
    And doing something to help prevent all this heartbreak and women getting bonded to bad men for them.



  295.  #295Annie on September 21, 2012 at 3:24 am

    Heart, this is the man who when he is not interested, puts the phone down and slams doors in peoples face.

    He was happily on the phone chatting away for ages.
    So believe me he was interested all right.
    My instinct is not wrong.
    It is what it is.



  296.  #296Heart on September 21, 2012 at 3:35 am

    Annie – does he have a job right now?



  297.  #297Annie on September 21, 2012 at 3:36 am

    Yes I feel in agreement and will have a feeling speach ready.

    I feel angry at the mismatch of words and actions.
    I do not want a man who’s words don’t match his actions.
    I do not feel able to trust people who’s actions do not match their words.
    At the end of the day I can only go by actions.

    Actions speak louder than words.
    If you want to know what people want stop listening and watch what they do.

    mmm.
    What has he done, had a lengthy conversation about working abroad and is considering that.

    Fine righteo, He is entitled to do whatever he wants.
    If he wants to work abroad and thinks that is the best option to build a loving healthy relationship with his son and the best way of proving to me that he is capable of co parenting, lol by not even being here, then that is what he thinks and what he is entitled to so. Bye then.
    We are better off without that. And I will be choosing a better partner and parent for my child who proves to me by his actions that he wants the same as me and is capable of that.



  298.  #298Annie on September 21, 2012 at 3:36 am

    Yes heart he has a job.



  299.  #299Memulo on September 21, 2012 at 3:39 am

    I don’t know what to do about this dating site thing. Not say anything and get on it myself and CD. Or give him an ultimatum – but if he wants to be there how will my ultimatum exactly help? Plus he just lets me hang there for a few days, no contact, no asking out – what difference will it make to him if I just say that’s it?

    8 months together and he is still on a dating site. Maybe it’s time to stop being a nice easy to fool girl. He obviously doesn’t value me that much.



  300.  #300Heart on September 21, 2012 at 3:40 am

    Annie – then kick his ass! Just kidding that was sooo Un-sireny…

    I feel sassy.



  301.  #301Memulo on September 21, 2012 at 3:41 am

    Do I say hi to him on a dating site?



  302.  #302Memulo on September 21, 2012 at 3:43 am

    Annie, would you want to talk to him first? Your assumptions can be correct or not, but in any case perhaps it will be helpful for you to find out what his story is?



  303.  #303Heart on September 21, 2012 at 3:46 am

    Sirens – CudG ask me to name a day of the week to meet up…So I wrote him suggesting a day.

    Then he wrote back say he recently made plans on that day and ask that I suggest another…

    This is starting to feel so Icky.
    This is Not the relationship I want….
    I feel Unadored and Uncherished.



  304.  #304Annie on September 21, 2012 at 3:52 am

    lo heart. I would so love too.

    I actually want to say just fuuuuuk off then.
    We are so better of with out you bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get lost!



  305.  #305Annie on September 21, 2012 at 3:55 am

    lol.

    His story. I don’t think so.
    blah blah blah.
    Actions speak louder than words.
    If you want to know what people want stop listening and watch what they do!.

    Listening to peoples stories especially men and trusting their words and not trusting my gut has gotten me in trouble too many ties already.

    Bovine excrement detector well and truly switched back on!



  306.  #306Annie on September 21, 2012 at 3:57 am

    Memulo ultimatums do not work. Reverse ones do with the right man for you though.



  307.  #307Annie on September 21, 2012 at 4:04 am

    Memulo, do you want to date a man who is still on a dating site after dating you for eight months?

    If you don’t that is your reverse ultimatum.
    You are entitled to do what ever you want, go on as many dating sites as you want.
    But I no longer want to date a man who after eight months wants to date or is looking at dating other women.
    Or words to that effect that are true to you.
    He then will either say he will stop and pull you back in and give you what you want.
    Or will carry on doing what he is doing, in which case he isn’t the right man for you and you’ve weeded him out.



  308.  #308Heart on September 21, 2012 at 4:06 am

    What should I say to CudG:

    Why the hell do u keep showing up and Why are you so Half-assed. Leave me the eff alone! I Feel so embarassed when the check comes.

    Hold me back Sirens! I want to tel him off.
    But Meh it’s over.
    I don’t want to meet this guy anymore

    What should I say to him?



  309.  #309Annie on September 21, 2012 at 4:09 am

    I am getting ready to deliver my speach and reverse ultimatum and let go of the outcome.

    If he wants to run away and become even more emotionally distant and physically distant and wants to not carry on not communicating that is his choice. He is entitled to do whatever he wants.
    What I want for me and my children is a man who wants to be here physically and emotionally for both of us and be in a real loving healthy relationship.

    So whatever!



  310.  #310Annie on September 21, 2012 at 4:10 am

    Hugs heart. X



  311.  #311Annie on September 21, 2012 at 4:12 am

    Can you write down your speech Heart the way you would normally and then re write in feelings and wants and don’t wants?

    How would that look for you?

    What do you think?



  312.  #312Tam on September 21, 2012 at 4:14 am

    Annie, thank you for 293!! Good reminder.

    As for your man talking more to another person (woman), it’s because he feels safe as he doesn’t really know her and it’s much easier when you don’t really know someone etc etc.
    Perhaps he doesn’t feel safe opening up and talking with you because he is scared of criticism etc.
    I don’t know, just saying.

    I have had similar things happen in my relationships, and I have seen MrP being really open with people who don’t know him well about certain things – and it used to annoy me. But I realise with marginal people or acquaintances, one can sometimes be more communicative because there is no judgment and nothing to lose etc



  313.  #313Tam on September 21, 2012 at 4:15 am

    Heart, then drop him and find someone who pays for your dates.. 🙂



  314.  #314Heart on September 21, 2012 at 4:15 am

    I’m going to take a walk…and listen to my heart.



  315.  #315Memulo on September 21, 2012 at 4:17 am

    Annie, thank you, what is a reverse ultimatum? I am getting the answer somewhat from your advice – to go on dating sites, to tell him how I feel. is that a reverse ultimatum?



  316.  #316Memulo on September 21, 2012 at 4:20 am

    Heart, he should pay for dates, that is a given. Or better to phrase it, you should NOT pay for dates. If he says I don’t have money you say ask where the nearest money machine is. Then get up and leave.



  317.  #317Memulo on September 21, 2012 at 4:33 am

    Heart you may not need to say anything to his email. Leaving him hanging can be a solution



  318.  #318Daria on September 21, 2012 at 4:40 am

    “There are times when you must speak, not because you are going to change the other person, but because if you don’t speak, they have changed you.”—Mary Quinn



  319.  #319Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 4:55 am

    RE 314 Yeah but Memulo how many times have you come to this conclusion, then waffle and do nothing about it?



  320.  #320Annie on September 21, 2012 at 4:55 am

    Tam the woman( other person) was a recruitment officer offering him a job.

    Not a friend, acquaintance family member etc.
    Like a sales person.
    If that makes sense.

    That is what I mean by his actions not matching his words.

    My eyes are now wide open and back on the ball.
    Bovine excrement detector switched back on.
    Actions speak louder than words.



  321.  #321Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 4:57 am

    I don’t think so Heart. People’s schedules don’t necessarily synchronize. That is life. How about next time just give him a few options on days and times? Maybe into the following week, there is no urgency.



  322.  #322Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 5:00 am

    RE 298 Memulo how many times have you come to this realisation? Maybe in his mind he is just dating. While in your mind you are in a relationship. I hardly think he is thinking about time that just because “we have been dating for x months it is time”. That is woman style thinking.



  323.  #323Annie on September 21, 2012 at 5:00 am

    Memulo.

    Actions speak louder than words.
    Men respond to actions.
    What action are you willing to take?

    Will you call it a day with him and take the action of walking away if he chooses to stay on dating sites and date other women after him dating you for eight months?

    A



  324.  #324Tam on September 21, 2012 at 5:02 am

    Annie, that’s the point. He didn’t even know her, so that is the safest form of communication possible.
    Think about it.
    Someone you don’t know can’t hurt you.
    Fear of intimacy. I am there. I can tell complete strangers my whole life story. I’ll never see them again.
    When I try to tell my worries and fears to those closest to me, it’s so hard and takes a lot of energy.



  325.  #325Annie on September 21, 2012 at 5:03 am

    There is a thread of roris about you Cding but not him Memulo, will have a look.

    FW do you know this thread? You are hot on threads?



  326.  #326Annie on September 21, 2012 at 5:05 am

    Tam he wasn’t doing that.
    She phoned him to offer him a job.
    Never mind. It feels pointless to explain.



  327.  #327Annie on September 21, 2012 at 5:05 am

    I can understand why you think what you do Tam and see what you are saying.



  328.  #328Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 5:06 am

    Annie I am pretty sure that Memulo has been here long enough to have seen that. I really don’t believe it will make any difference to her thinking and feeling. Sorry if I sound harsh but I have seen this over and over again.



  329.  #329Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 5:07 am

    Men assume you are doing what you want to do because that is what they do.



  330.  #330Memulo on September 21, 2012 at 5:08 am

    FW,

    I was afraid to mention dating site because it looks like I am spying on him. But now he skipped ‘our’ date day and sent me a vague text about his problems. That’s the thing with him, I never know if his silence is because of his problems or because he is having fun with other women.

    On the other hand I am afraid that the longer I allow this treatment the more convinced he is that it’s ok to just ‘date’ and not take me seriously. He didn’t think so when I mentioned the dating site 5-6 months ago. He got really worried about it back then. He had a very ‘legit’ reason to still be on there and was swearing that nothing is going on. I feel worried that with his friend in town it’s not true anymore.



  331.  #331Memulo on September 21, 2012 at 5:10 am

    I can just sent him a text that I saw him there and how it makes me feel



  332.  #332Memulo on September 21, 2012 at 5:14 am

    FW, I do remember an advice from you once not to mention dating site to him because it looks like I am spying;) In the past I took the action of no action in big part because I decided that guys do this sometimes and it doesn’t mean anything. But after 8 months it feels bad.



  333.  #333Daria on September 21, 2012 at 5:17 am

    OHHHHH thank you for posting that Annie… it feels so powerful to me

    omywow i want to post it again its so awesome

    “If He’s Going From Passionate To Friendly

    Thank you for your brilliant comments and stories and testimonials, and I realize the only way I can answer you in a meaningful way is here in actual posts (please forgive me in advance for replying to some, and not all of your comments – it would be overwhelming for me to even try, so I try to pick the ones from new members of our community, and urgent or frightening issues – and I want to bless you all from my heart for the brilliant help you’re giving each other. If I take issue with anything you say, I’ll reply for sure – but so far – you’re all right on!) – So, here’s my take on this scenario a lot of you seem to be struggling with :

    He wants to be a friend, but when you see him and have sex with him it’s amazing, and so you can’t understand why he’s merely “friendly” when he leaves.

    Here’s the answer: Men are different from women.

    He can have a knock-out, deeply emotional sexual experience with you – sex that “blows-his-mind,” in a way you can FEEL. A way that feels just like the deep emotional experience YOU’RE having. But it’s NOT the same as what you’re feeling.

    When we have an orgasm with a man – all kinds of things open up. The hormone oxytocin floods us, and binds us to the man in a scientifically physical and emotional way. Even if he’s a man we weren’t initially attracted to – having a great emotional and physical orgasm with him will bring us into the “falling in love” range.

    A man doesn’t work that way. His hormones work completely differently. His GUT tells him who to love and who not to love, and love, for him, does not GROW from not-love. Love does not grow from friendship for a man. And love does not grow from mind-blowing sex. Sex only ADDS TO what he already feels – it CAN’T get those feelings STARTED.

    And once his “infatuation” or whatever he felt for you at first turns to “friendship” – that’s pretty much it.

    However – a man who’s “in love” in the first place does NOT turn his feelings into “friendship.” If he says he wants to be “friends” – then that’s very possibly the way he ALWAYS felt.

    You can save yourself so much pain by NOT ASSUMING ANYTHING. Just because it looks like love to you, and feels like love to you – it doesn’t mean it’s love to HIM.

    So what’s the only way to know what he’s really and truly feeling?

    Over time, he will insist on a commitment from you. That’s pretty much it.

    That means – you NEVER stop dating other men until that commitment is coming at you. And I don’t mean the “girlfriend” commitment – because that’s NOTHING (unless you’re young and still in school). I mean the MARRYING commitment. I mean what HE thinks of as FOREVER.

    And if, over time, that commitment is not automatically coming at you, then you have to TALK TO HIM.

    The absolutely MOST APPEALING thing a woman can do is SPEAK. And what I mean by that is that you are able to say out loud, in clear words, in a very straight-forward and simple way – exactly what it is you’re feeling, exactly what it is you want, exactly what it is you want him to do in bed, exactly what it is you DON’T want.

    If you can “Speak In The Moment” – so that there are few misunderstandings, so he doesn’t have to guess what’s going on with you (because that’s nearly impossible for ANY man – they just don’t work that way), so he can feel relaxed around you and not wonder why you’re tense or cold or what you’re really feeling…you will build an UNBREAKABLE BOND with a man who ALREADY LOVES you!

    The possibility of “Forever Love” has to be there for him (and it’s not something you can understand or figure out) before ANYTHING else can kick in.

    He has to feel that deep down sense of ATTRACTION – and although you are in control of so much about attraction (any of you who have my Modern Siren program can talk about that, I know) – there are parts of attraction you can’t have any control of.

    There are pheremones, and links to his mother and father, and the sound of your voice, and things about you that feel familiar to him and things that feel strange – it’s like a “stew” for him that he just feels in his GUT.

    Without the “raw materials” of whatever it is that kicks in attraction for a man – there’s nothing you can do.

    However – there’s a lot you CAN do AFTER THAT. All you need is the initial attraction, to know that it’s there for him in a scientific and gut level for him, and you can create more and more attraction until his “infatuation” or “initial attraction” turns into the real thing for him.

    So – when you “Speak In The Moment” – when you Talk To Him. When you ask him where he’s at, listen to him, and then use that information to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF – that creates MORE and DEEPER attraction.

    What he says is what you get. Men don’t get all gooey and confused when they talk. For the most part, they tell the truth. They’re just not as good at NOT telling the truth as we are (unless he’s a deeply gifted Toxic Man with a smooth tongue).

    So if he utters the words “I want to be your friend” – beware. Any energy you spend trying to turn that into passion will look needy, clingy, desperate – and like you aren’t HEARING HIM.

    He will feel unheard and unsafe – and he will also automatically assume that YOU are telling the truth.

    If you say “okay” to “sex buddy” status – he’ll let you.

    He’ll figure you know what you’re doing.

    He’ll figure you’re doing what you want.

    He’ll let you take responsibility for you.

    So don’t get mad at him. He’s telling you to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. And don’t be confused.

    To a man: Friends can have sex. Friends can have PASSIONATE sex. Friends can hold hands and kiss. Friends can hang out every night of the week. Friends can do everything together that LOOKS like “relationship” to us. But it isn’t. It isn’t relationship.

    Because one thing friends can’t have is ROMANCE. You can’t make it up, or will it into being.

    And another thing friends can’t have is commitment and marriage. Because no self-respecting man would be interested in doing that – no matter how your “relationship” looks to you.

    Thank him, and KEEP DATING.”



  334.  #334Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 5:18 am

    Memulo honestly I feel resistant to believing that you wish to take any action on your own behalf. As Rori says if you take care of yourself there is no point/need to be angry. If you chose to cdate there would be no time to feel bad. He should be the one feeling bad for losing a good opportunity.

    What’s the point of mentioning the dating site? Has he stated that he wanted you and only you? Has he offered you the commitment you want?



  335.  #335Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 5:21 am

    FW @249,

    “The test was for a career shift, a promotion, significant increase. This was the second hurdle to cross. Really sad.”

    In my experience, this can sometimes be a blessing. Last time I got a promotion, I also got a lot of jealousy and my work life became a lot more complicated. Although I was the top qualified by far, was bringing in all the big contracts, was mentoring teams, some coworkers started resenting me and talking behind my back and making stories. After one year in the new position and extremely successful at it, I was miserable.

    I now work from home in the same industry for another company and I am so much happier.



  336.  #336Heart on September 21, 2012 at 5:22 am

    Hi Sirens – Back from my walk and feeling much better. Feeling good reading the stuff you all wrote.
    I’m letting it all marinate.

    I zoomed out and realized I miss being a Siren…I’m starting to get hung up and this has some of the elements of “an imaginary relationship”
    I’m going to do the flypaper tool.

    I choose Siren.

    CudG is not so important…I’ll write him and suggest the following week because that’s the day I feel like seeing him.

    Anyway…I need to recommit myself to Having the relationship I want….I was getting a bit lost in the forest…and I will get lost there repeatedly but it’s ok as long as I get —

    you know as I write this I’m starting to remember his email….

    And I’m feeling Angry ad Icky again…

    I feel Not-good-enough
    I feel Unspecial.



  337.  #337Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 5:23 am

    Daria honestly I saw that above and was going to cut and paste parts of it for Memulo but I heard in my head what’s the point.

    shrugs

    A man wants to continue dating.
    A man wants to stay on a dating site.
    A man wants to disappear.
    A man wants to stand you up.
    A man wants to keep you wondering.

    Adds up in my mind to a man who cherishes his freedom more than he cherishes any woman.
    Adds up in my mind to a man who wants to live his life the way he chooses,
    Adds up in my mind to a man who does not feel any urgency to offer any commitment.
    Adds up in my mind to a man who wants to keep his options open.



  338.  #338CurvySiren10 on September 21, 2012 at 5:24 am

    Memulo, I agree with FW. This has happened time and time again with you over the past 8 months. SmartCD is not in a position to be in relationship. He is married. He has a lot of healing to do and a lot of logistics to work through. His pattern of contact with you is clear. You have wonderful times together, then he pulls back for a while. Rinse. Repeat.

    He is on dating sites because he is dating. He obviously enjoys your company and continues to date you, but the relationship part is non-existent for him…at least according to the actions you’ve shared here.

    Unless YOU start dating and taking your focus off of him, this pattern will repeat again and again. I can’t recall hearing you talk about a single date with another man since you started seeing him. The only “ultimatum” you should be considering is not an ultimatum at all… it’s about taking care of yourself, getting out there and taking that hyper focus off of this man.

    Just my opinion. I feel sad seeing how much you suffer and drive yourself crazy over this man. I have BEEN THERE and I am sharing my experience because I know it doesn’t work.



  339.  #339Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 5:25 am

    Siren Angel thanks. My hands have been opened so I could let it go. I have accepted what is.



  340.  #340Tam on September 21, 2012 at 5:26 am

    FW, that is a very good post. That’s exactly the conclusion I drew on my situation. Unless things change, I shall not be available to such a man anymore as a kind of fun gap filler. I am worth more than that.



  341.  #341Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 5:28 am

    “fun gap filler”

    So brutally true and honest. I am feeling tearyeyed reading that remembering how I have been that “fun gap filler” girl in the past. I want to have fun for me when I so choose. Not to scratch some man’s itch.



  342.  #342Daria on September 21, 2012 at 5:28 am

    Annie – you sound angry… great! and also blameful. Not so great

    I would really sink into my feelings on this

    Actions speak louder than words and doesn’t seem he has ‘acted’ on anything yet.

    I think you mentioned you found out about this on accident or lean forward? Or was he openly talking in front of you …

    That may contribute to the intensity

    I would lean back and STOP assuming, and yet feel and write scripts for my anger,

    and REALLY REALLY TAKE THE BLAME AND TRANSLATE IT TO FEELINGS

    this is how miracles happen, either connection is made or I free myself. I don’t free myself when I’m still in blame (unfortunately) . My energy is still stuck in there and creates mucho pain

    Do it for you



  343.  #343Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 5:29 am

    Smile @277,

    Thank you for posting the tool! This feels so right for me right now.

    xx



  344.  #344Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 5:32 am

    “you found out about this on accident or lean forward”

    Yeah we spy on phones “by accident”
    Yeah we spy of FB “by accident”
    Yeah we spy on dating sites “by accident”

    Though it might really be by accident these patterns show a certain amount of focus on the man and not on living our lives. It shows a certain amount of chasing in our energies rather than a commitment to the tools that work.



  345.  #345Daria on September 21, 2012 at 5:33 am

    when i feel alone with lots of empty space around me, I will put imaginary plants around my mental and emotional self

    right now feels good too

    mmmm plants

    feels protective yet open and restful yet breathable and expansive



  346.  #346Annie on September 21, 2012 at 5:34 am

    Memulo. “He had a very ‘legit’ reason to still be on there and was swearing that nothing is going on.”

    How can I put this Horsecrap!..

    If you don’t want to date a man who is dating other women if he is dating you then that’s what you don’t want. His reasons are of no relevance to what you want, they are of no importance to who you are and what you want.

    I hear you FW.



  347.  #347Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 5:34 am

    Now I am thinking that I sound like EMK

    blunt sharp harsh
    but realistic

    Though I know that most of us prefer to be coddled and hushed like babies because little girl inside hurts.



  348.  #348Daria on September 21, 2012 at 5:35 am

    I just ate some marrow and cartilage and i feel SOO moved to have this in my life!!!

    mmmm

    and it reminds me of Mamam



  349.  #349Daria on September 21, 2012 at 5:35 am

    ((((FeminineWoman))))



  350.  #350Daria on September 21, 2012 at 5:36 am

    lots of gentle hugs and love to me bring lots of gentle hugs and love radiating out

    says Fierce Intensity Tornado Woman



  351.  #351Heart on September 21, 2012 at 5:37 am

    #310 – Annie – I would try to write it all down but everything I think about saying has the You-hurt-me-and-I-want-to-put-you-down-and-make you feel bad Agenda behind it.

    Like Everything.
    I hate his guts so much…
    I feel so lonely an hopeless.
    Thanks Cudg for letting me know that I’m not a priority.
    Thanks CudG for bailing when I let myself be vulnerable to you.
    Thanks CudG for



  352.  #352Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 5:38 am

    I had a man recently tell me something and then told me in my face that he would lie and swear that he said no such thing if I repeated it and he heard it back. I just said “I know”.

    I have had a guy tell me that even if his wife caught him on top of another woman he would swear he was doing nothing.



  353.  #353Heart on September 21, 2012 at 5:38 am

    being a jerk



  354.  #354Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 5:39 am

    Fierce Intensity Tornado Woman

    lmfao hahahaha

    Thanks for the laugh Daria



  355.  #355Daria on September 21, 2012 at 5:39 am

    FW – also by going to look for those things with that energy, i notice my energy ties into it and AMPLIFIES the emotions enormously. sometimes from pinhead to globe sized

    finding things out about the man organically feels much different, and ‘freer’

    my energy is all mine and i can find my intuition so easily

    in fact often intuition will tell me and guide me so that there’s no need to worry and use lean forward energy to spy, something just ‘feels’ off and i can communicate and communicate and it heals or else comes out



  356.  #356Daria on September 21, 2012 at 5:41 am

    🙂 hehe thanks FW

    i felt so awesome I remember you mentioned a tornado and i assumed it was in reference to me and my posting and i felt a touch angry that it didn’t feel supportive

    but also so surprised instead of feeling triggered, I FELT POWERFUL AND AWESOME

    YESSSS!!!!

    so glad someone called me Tornado woman am so Owning my Yansa



  357.  #357Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 5:41 am

    I let myself be vulnerable

    Heart – this is what is important. So you can learn how to do that with Mr. Right. As such CudG was not a jerk. He was a muse. He was someone bringing you a lesson about yourself. Bringing you a new awareness about yourself.

    It is not easy to be vulnerable.



  358.  #358Daria on September 21, 2012 at 5:43 am

    Heart – thats awesome !!!

    keep writing!!!!!

    get it all out!!! yes!!!!

    this is a way of riffing!!!

    then later go back and translate every one to Feeling messages … oh yummmmm

    this is a Powerful Rori tool



  359.  #359Daria on September 21, 2012 at 5:44 am

    give yourself lots of love and gentleness while doing it too



  360.  #360Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 5:48 am

    Daria I wonder if you could create a tool around being the tornado woman. I am feeling powerful energy spiralling in and out of me right now. Lifting everything in its wake at times while at times gently setting some down. At times bringing dark ominous energy that turns into bright sunshine and glittering rays. Yeah it feels powerful to visualize. It feels great to know I have so much power to pull in and unsettle what’s around and then to calm it all down. Having rearranged my field



  361.  #361LiliBee on September 21, 2012 at 5:48 am

    FW,

    I’m wondering about this ‘leap of faith’ position of Gay Hendricks.

    I wonder if I should just face my vulnerability, stop running away from it by walking out all the time…and just move in already.
    Backleading “If you were to ask me to move in, I would say Yes.”

    I very much enjoy being with him in his home and I feel so good in his presence when we’re there together today everyday stuff, I’ve been feeling that way since nlady has been out of the picture.

    I don’t know if he’s pulling back bc he’s tired of me ‘playing’ with him by pulling the on-off switch constantly, keeping himself super busy to stay away from me to protect himself and be sure of what I want…or if he’s given up and has got someone else.
    I don’t even want to ask.

    I wonder how hard do I have to get my 8ss kicked before I can get ‘real’ and finally quit playing the game of covering my insecurities with controlling.



  362.  #362Daria on September 21, 2012 at 5:49 am

    “”The results of Narvaez’ three studies as well as those from researchers around the world will be presented at a conference at Notre Dame in October titled “Human Nature and Early Experience: Addressing the Environment of Evolutionary Adaptedness.”

    “The way we raise our children today in this country is increasingly depriving them of the practices that lead to well being and a moral sense,” she says.

    Narvaez identifies six characteristics of child rearing that were common to our distant ancestors:

    • Lots of positive touch – as in no spanking – but nearly constant carrying, cuddling and holding;

    • Prompt response to baby’s fusses and cries. You can’t “spoil” a baby. This means meeting a child’s needs before they get upset and the brain is flooded with toxic chemicals. “Warm, responsive caregiving like this keeps the infant’s brain calm in the years it is forming its personality and response to the world,” Narvaez says.

    • Breastfeeding, ideally 2 to 5 years. A child’s immune system isn’t fully formed until age 6 and breast milk provides its building blocks.

    • Multiple adult caregivers – people beyond mom and dad who also love the child.

    • Free play with multi-age playmates. Studies show that kids who don’t play enough are more likely to have ADHD and other mental health issues.

    • Natural childbirth, which provides mothers with the hormone boosts that give the energy to care for a newborn.

    The U.S. has been on a downward trajectory on all of these care characteristics, according to Narvaez. Instead of being held, infants spend much more time in carriers, car seats and strollers than they did in the past. Only about 15 percent of mothers are breastfeeding at all by 12 months, extended families are broken up, and free play allowed by parents has decreased dramatically since 1970.

    “Ill advised practices and beliefs have become commonplace, such as the use of infant formula, the isolation of infants in their own rooms, or the belief that responding too quickly to a fussing baby will ‘spoil’ it,” Narvaez says.”

    http://phys.org/news204201579.html



  363.  #363Daria on September 21, 2012 at 5:52 am

    Lilibee – how about CDing instead!

    instead of backleading inside to a commitment that hasn’t been offered, with a man that is currently withdrawing and not in front of you and so ‘doesn’t exist’ (even though you’ve dated for a long time), and who has shown that he can easily get into other women while dating

    ouch

    but less real life pain for later I hope



  364.  #364Daria on September 21, 2012 at 5:54 am

    Feminine – there is a earth energy Goddess called Oya or Iansa that embodies this

    mmm I made a Goddess seminar that included her, but I did not use this Tornado tool

    I feel opened and intrigued reading your words of what it feels like

    it does feel so powerful

    lots of love to me



  365.  #365Daria on September 21, 2012 at 5:55 am

    “Choose the truths which serve your heart.”

    Dominique



  366.  #366Daria on September 21, 2012 at 5:58 am

    Lilibee – I’m sorry for the harshness… ah i feel sad … I want to choose gentle words to say the same thing…

    mmm

    i feel sad watching you beat yourself up about hiding and controlling and such

    I really would feel so happy to watch you open up to the world and let in other men, and grow grow grow

    and yes, maybe then this man will undergo the transformation to step up hugely, so none of that ‘backleading’ is necessary… or even ‘going’ to his place and leaving

    it will all just come to you

    sigh

    I feel uncomfortable for the harshness as I would like to encourage gentleness for ourselves and I don’t want to not create that



  367.  #367Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 5:58 am

    Sirens, I feel curious to know what you think…

    I had told M I was going to ‘date’ last week, and although he didn’t like it, he didn’t say ‘don’t do it’. However, last weekend I mentioned I was going out one night this week, it was in a conversation and very light, and it was not mentioned about dating or anything.
    Then, the night before last, I was at M’s again (we have been together almost every night since we got back ‘together’) and I was really nicely dressed and I had new red suede shoes. He said he would have liked to take me out (but it was already pretty late and supper was done). Then yesterday morning, he was a little nervous, asking me if I was going to wear the same shoes that day 😕 Then asking me if after my client meetings that day I could give him a lift back to our suburb (which he never does) but I was bringing a coworker to and from the meetings. Then I realized he knows Thursday is the night he gets his kids back but I only get my kiddie back Friday night, so he must have thought that is when I was planning to go out… but I wasn’t! I could sense he was nervous about it.

    Last night, I was feeling all cozy at home, and he texts much earlier than usual, while he has his kids still up ‘hey, are you alone?’ And I just replied ‘yes’. Then about 10-15 mins later he texts ‘How was your meeting day?’ (I had a lot of client meetings booked that day) But this is very unusual of him to text to ask me that and so early in the evening as he usually texts or calls around bedtime, and it felt like a total excuse because he had texted before to see if I was alone. I waited a few minutes and answered in an FM ‘that I felt so disappointed one of the meetings got cancelled, but that I feel really relaxed and smooth now’. The he texts ‘good night sweet dreams’ much later on… ???

    I felt like he needed reassurance that I was alone or was panicking around 8pm, the time I would probably have been out if I had gone out, to see if I was out with someone else… What do you think?

    I didn’t answer his last text until this morning as it was late last night and didn’t really need a reply but as he doesn’t like when I don’t answer, I just replied this morning ‘I was in that beautiful vapor half-state before sleeps takes me away when you texted’ and he replied ‘oh good’ right away this morning.

    What do you think? Is he worried or I am reading too much into this?



  368.  #368Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 6:01 am

    Lilibee,

    You and I need to go out and find some really good men!!!



  369.  #369Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 6:03 am

    Lilibee,

    D sounds a lot like M and BW’s TH! They are rubberband-men… The more worry you put into this, the more they pull away, the more you shift your vibe, the more they come closer.



  370.  #370Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 6:05 am

    LiliBee I believe context is important. He might be uncertain because of your withdrawals but backleading like that does not feel comfortable to me. I am thinking in terms of Rori suggesting when he shows up with the conversation. I would suggest scripting it out until you can really feel your emotions around moving. The shakiness, the doubts and uncertainty. The possible embarassment if it does not work out and you having to explain to others. The possibility of being treated second class to his job, to his son. The possibility of cdating until he truly shows up for you.

    The leap of faith thing yes. But that happens when he offers, when he brings up something and you are at a “choicepoint” in the relationship. Until he brings it up I am not sure I would. Unless it is weighing in your heart so that you can’t focus on anything else like enjoying yourself when you are with him. I would say particularly when you feel like you want to meltdown into crying. Then share how afraid you feel of bringing it up and how shaky you feel. The moving in though would have to be because that is what you want to do. You can’t be doing it just because you want to appease him in some way or to coddle his feelings, is what I think.

    I would encourage you though to imagine the situation and really script it out.



  371.  #371Scarlet on September 21, 2012 at 6:05 am

    I finally said I won’t do the dance of tolerating bad behaviour, e.g. hearing and believing promises and being stood up. He took four days to contact to say he realises I deserve so much more than he can give. I immediately felt rejected, disempowered and sad because it was him rejecting me. Even though I couldn’t do it anymore, it hurt like crazy when he admitted he couldn’t love me the way I love him.
    But now that it is all over, I didn’t have anything to lose by telling him that his behaviour towards me had been appalling – something I always felt too scared to point out. In saying that I had not been treated with love and respect, I all of a sudden felt more empowered and it’s as if the little girl inside of me who has been running my life for a long time now, suddenly felt safe and has calmed down. All this has shifted my vibe to a woman who is not prepared to be quiet and tolerate only getting crumbs anymore. He is begging me to be his friend and I knew that being only friends would further wound my little girl inside, so I again protected her by saying NO, I cannot be your friend. It still hurts so much, but I feel like he has all of a sudden become smaller and my life is a little bigger with hope for my future. I feel a tiny bit excited about something coming to me in my future, now that I have cleared the decks. I feel weird because of these two conflicting emotions – sadness and excitement. I think my vibe is shifting.



  372.  #372Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 6:09 am

    Lilibee,

    You want the moving in to be all his idea. (((LiliBee)))



  373.  #373Calypso on September 21, 2012 at 6:10 am

    Sirens – Happy Friday!

    JC texted yesterday asking if we were still going out. I was in a good mood after having a couple of days to myself, so I replied, “Absolutely! It will feel so good to see you!”

    He suggested that I go to his house (he offered to pick me up, but I declined because I want my own car there) and he will grill steaks and make margaritas. I said, “Yummy”

    Then, he asked if I would be able to stay all night (remember he pouted like a little boy the last time I saw him because I had to go home) so, I texted back, “I guess I should tell you, this is “that time” of the month for me.”

    He said, “Oh . . . Well. That’s ok”

    I wanted to say, “I’ll be sure to let Mother Nature know you are ok with it”, but I didn’t . . .

    I’m interested to see how he is going to handle this evening. Is he one of those guys who isn’t interested in being with his girl if she is not interested in getting naked? Will he push me to do something else to satisfy him? I’m going into the evening feeling suspicious of him and of this relationship. :/



  374.  #374Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 6:10 am

    I don’t personally like the “moving” in thing as it makes boundaries so more difficult to stick by. Also in a man’s place I believe we lose so much of our power. However, I believe also it is dependent on what you want and how you experience yourself.

    I believe D is a good man. LiliBee you are healing and he seems to have the capacity to heal along with you. You maybe just need some new ways of being that could inspire both of you into the next level if relationship.



  375.  #375Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 6:12 am

    Woohoo Scarlet. You sound so powerful and inspiring



  376.  #376Annie on September 21, 2012 at 6:15 am

    351: Femininewoman says:

    “I had a man recently tell me something and then told me in my face that he would lie and swear that he said no such thing if I repeated it and he heard it back. I just said “I know”.

    I have had a guy tell me that even if his wife caught him on top of another woman he would swear he was doing nothing.”

    OMG the song by shaggy comes to mind it wasn’t me.



  377.  #377LiliBee on September 21, 2012 at 6:16 am

    365:

    Thank You Daria,

    Your comments to feel gentle.

    You are right, I believe I am beating myself up for not having been real and gameplaying.



  378.  #378Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 6:16 am

    Calypso to be honest your response sounded a bit icky. It seemed you assumed he was inviting you over for sex and you told him what your assumption was. As if suggesting he is only interested in you for sex. Maybe he didn’t feel that way but he might have felt slapped across the face. He invited you to spend the night, if you were not comfortable with that you could have said so. If you wanted to stay for cuddles and the intimacy of just being held, that could have been said. Is my humble opinion.



  379.  #379Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 6:19 am

    LiliBee try something Bob Grant suggests. Go over to him, when you get the opportunity, say nothing just rest your head on his shoulder or chest. And stand there silently for a while and just sink into your feelings. See what comes up or what you want to share as you open your heart.



  380.  #380CurvySiren10 on September 21, 2012 at 6:20 am

    375 Annie~ I instantly thought of that Shaggy song too! lol



  381.  #381Calypso on September 21, 2012 at 6:23 am

    FW – Yes – I am reacting that way because of how he acted the last time I was at his house – so bone tired from the stress and lack of sleep associated with sending my son off to boot camp that i could not stay awake and he would not stop pawing at me and acted like a child who did not get his way when I had to go home.

    I’m going to have my hair done and my toes painted before I go ever there tonight – hopefully I can relax and be soft and give him a chance to be a good guy and care for me – with my clothes on – I’m just suspicious of it because of how things went before. Something still does not feel right and I don’t kow if it is him or my inner girls desire to run away from someone who is trying to pull me closer.



  382.  #382Heart on September 21, 2012 at 6:25 am

    #357 – Daria – wow thanks for the advice!

    FW – thank you. What a soothing way of looking at it.



  383.  #383Memulo on September 21, 2012 at 6:25 am

    I’m not sure what do about him. With me I know I need to renew my profile. But do I confront him before he contacts me? Did I let it slip big time and it’s already too late?

    I’m not used to lying men because my family is very loyal and we tell truth. He tells me over and over again that he is very honest



  384.  #384Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 6:27 am

    Calypso I would check in with myself to see if I have weak boundaries. I would also visualize myself as strong with roots like a tree from my back solidly grounded into the earth.



  385.  #385Scarlet on September 21, 2012 at 6:27 am

    Oh Femininewoman, I don’t know about powerful, but I am feeling stronger. It’s been such a sudden turn around, but I guess it’s the fruit of listening to Rori’s CD’s over and over and over again. After feeling like a little girl cowering in the corner yesterday after hearing his rejection, today I got up and thought I can feel sad but I’ll be damned if I am going to let that sadness and his actions ruin my dreams for my future. My habit has been to fall into deep depression and feel like this little girl who has never been validated. But today I guess Rori’s CD’s finally resonated with me and I changed my vibe and it felt like I was finally climbing up the ladder. It’s all through choice too. I am choosing different thoughts about my future instead of wallowing in the thoughts that there is no hope for me. Thank you Rori. I just hope this new vibe stays with me.



  386.  #386Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 6:29 am

    Memulo,

    I would not text about something like seeing his profile up. Can you try to script something about where he sees your relationship down the road?



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  388.  #388LiliBee on September 21, 2012 at 6:31 am

    373:

    Thank You FW,

    That feels soothing to read as it comes accross with compassion for the man.
    It is my intention to stop beating him up and have compassion.
    He wants the same kind of relationship I do with living together.

    I keep manipulating and controlling to have him reassure me.
    I have been on the receiving end of that behaviour with someone else before.
    He had pulled away, and I drifted away never to come back.

    I know what it feels like.
    So what will it take for me to stop?

    I feel scared I pushed him away for good.

    Allthough I know that every time I’ve lost a man, the next 1 to come along was better than the last…I still feel so soooo sad 🙁



  389.  #389Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 6:34 am

    I intend to be married to a wonderful man who adores and cherishes me. I deserve that. It is my birthright.



  390.  #390Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 6:36 am

    LiliBee I have gotten to a place in my life where I just choose to settle inside myself about what I believe. This is regardless of what happens on the outside. I go back and decide this is what I choose to believe. It might take me some to catch myself but I go back. I decided to be this way at the beginning of the year. And even though at times I feel fear, doubting or dismay I choose to go back to believing in myself and that I will have what I want regardless. I choose me and I keep going back there, internally.



  391.  #391LiliBee on September 21, 2012 at 6:38 am

    367:

    Yeah SA, we need to go out 🙂

    At least meetup like we planned. It would feel great to to meet in person.



  392.  #392Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 6:38 am

    Shaggy said it but I can’t even say it is a Jamaican man thing as a US President lived it out to the rest of the world.



  393.  #393Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 6:39 am

    “ I often try to tell kids to think about all the people who love you, don’t cry over the one person who doesn’t. ”

    ― Bill Cosby



  394.  #394RiverGirl on September 21, 2012 at 6:42 am

    Having a little facebook trigger moment. Eeek! I feel a flush of self-consciousness. I feel anxious when sirens using their secret siren profiles comment/like things I post on my general wall. I am using my real profile so I feel vulnerable. I logged in with a second profile (just have it for testing stuff) and can see links to all kinds of sireny stuff.
    My friend list is hidden so the only clue others get that I have siren friends with bizare names is when someone comments/likes/posts on my wall. I am totally cool with those of you using your real profiles/names doing so and I don’t want to unfriend anyone as I love getting to know you all. Eeek I’m scared guys I like will think I’m a bit loopy! I’m NOT loopy!! lol
    Hmmm I’m rambling….still trying to work out what this trigger is about. Maybe it’s time for me stop trying to hide this side of myself…I’m confused though because part of the power of this stuff is the mystery. Men don’t need to know our process.



  395.  #395Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 6:45 am

    Lilibee,

    Yes, I look forward to it. Sent you a message on FB. It could really help our vibe! 🙂

    And we are around the same age too, in similar situations, it would be great to meet up!



  396.  #396Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 6:49 am

    RiverGirl,

    I feel triggered and scared too about being FB friends with Sirens who do not use their real FB profile and name for Siren Island… It is weird enough that all of a sudden I have all these new women friends all over the world… But I don’t think men actually go snooping into our ‘friend’s list’ unless maybe to see what other men we are friends with. I agree Sirens who use ‘fake’ FB profiles should not comment or post on our wall. They are protecting themselves but making us vulnerable. I do not blame anyone here btw.



  397.  #397T-Girl on September 21, 2012 at 6:50 am

    Hi Siren Angel, I wouldn’t assume anything about those texts. Assumptions can be wrong which may lead to a problem later.



  398.  #398Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 6:50 am

    Sirens, I would like your thoughts on @366…



  399.  #399Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 6:52 am

    T-Girl,

    Thank you. However, he never texts when his kids are up unless to firm up a meeting plan later in the day and it did sound like a total excuse to see what I was doing. The 2nd text sounded like he had to come up with a reason to why he asked in the 1st text if I was alone… He’s never done that. Plus, his behavior about the shoes and the lift that morning was also very unusual…



  400.  #400Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 6:54 am

    T-Girl,

    Anyway you are right, better to let it go. But was curious to see what Sirens here think. If my intuition is on target.



  401.  #401Daria on September 21, 2012 at 7:00 am

    Calypso – I would lean back by no longer taking myself over there and only accepting dating invitations where I am picked up.

    That has made a HUGE difference in level of difficulty and self care for me



  402.  #402RiverGirl on September 21, 2012 at 7:03 am

    Thank SA, you are probably right about men more likely to be checking out our men friends. And I’m just looking at this from one side, a guy might actually find it appealing….thats a better feeling story. 🙂



  403.  #403LiliBee on September 21, 2012 at 7:04 am

    369:

    Yeah FW,

    I do create so much uncertainty for him by walking out all the time.

    I have shared with him that I want to live with a man someday, and I want it to be in a strong loving relationship.
    I also shared with him how I see my life in a house with a man and what it feels like.

    He said he wanted that too.
    It’s what neighbourlady and her husband have.
    When we are outside, D keeps looking over at them being together in the yard, doing simple yardwork, hanging out in the pool.
    He’s said a couple of times that he looks at them bc he admires what they have, and he wants that.
    How they were together in that yard and what they were doing was exactly how I described what I wanted a homelife to be like with a man.

    I’ve had the opportunity to live that again over the summer with D.
    I would be laying on a long chair soaking up the sun reading the Christine Arylo book while he was in the garage doing stuff with his son.
    He would lookover to me and I would feel warm loving vibes.
    We did yardwork together 1 time.

    Those times felt so wonderful.
    For the 1st time since I’ve known him, I felt that it was my place and I belonged.



  404.  #404Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 7:05 am

    Siren Angel men do what they want. No one, not you, not anyone reading your recount can know what he is thinking, unless he tells them. That is just your brain taking you around in loops. If anything I would just take it as an indication that he was thinking about you, maybe missing you. Many men hate the phone and consider it a tool or convenience for business. He might have been missing your presence and just responded to how he was feeling. I would encourage you not to build any intrigue, conspiracy or espionage around it. It is what it is. His energy coming towards you.



  405.  #405Iamabutterfly on September 21, 2012 at 7:08 am

    I feel peaceful. I feel so much better than yesterday. I feel content.



  406.  #406Iamabutterfly on September 21, 2012 at 7:10 am

    I feel really confused by this statement. I feel shy and embarasssed to ask, but could someone explain this to me? This is the aspect of relationships that I’ve never understood:

    “Over time, he will insist on a commitment from you. That’s pretty much it.

    That means – you NEVER stop dating other men until that commitment is coming at you. And I don’t mean the “girlfriend” commitment – because that’s NOTHING (unless you’re young and still in school). I mean the MARRYING commitment. I mean what HE thinks of as FOREVER.

    And if, over time, that commitment is not automatically coming at you, then you have to TALK TO HIM.

    The absolutely MOST APPEALING thing a woman can do is SPEAK. And what I mean by that is that you are able to say out loud, in clear words, in a very straight-forward and simple way – exactly what it is you’re feeling, exactly what it is you want, exactly what it is you want him to do in bed, exactly what it is you DON’T want.

    If you can “Speak In The Moment” – so that there are few misunderstandings, so he doesn’t have to guess what’s going on with you (because that’s nearly impossible for ANY man – they just don’t work that way), so he can feel relaxed around you and not wonder why you’re tense or cold or what you’re really feeling…you will build an UNBREAKABLE BOND with a man who ALREADY LOVES you!”

    This makes me feel so unsure of myself. It feels contradictory. A man will insist on commitment from you? but…”And if, over time, that commitment is not automatically coming at you, then you have to TALK TO HIM.”

    someone please explain.
    I feel a little lost and scared. 🙁



  407.  #407Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 7:12 am

    FW,

    I like that ‘his energy coming towards you’. Yes, it was that, no matter what he was thinking. Thank you.



  408.  #408Iamabutterfly on September 21, 2012 at 7:12 am

    I feel like I’ve gotten EVERYTHING from men except the insistence for commitment…



  409.  #409Iamabutterfly on September 21, 2012 at 7:13 am

    …but if it’s not coming I have to talk to him?

    ?????????



  410.  #410Belle on September 21, 2012 at 7:13 am

    372

    Calypso
    I felt a ping in my belly reading your text – it comes across as hostility, which is masking your vulnerability.

    278
    Smile
    “‘If you’re not watching what he does, you can accidentally use my Rori Raye Tools to keep a fling going for such a long time that you may get lulled into thinking it’s going to be forever. (Yes – the Tools are THAT powerful.)”

    To that I would add, “and deeply feeling what you feel”.
    I gave the “I respect your need to stay free and yet this isn’t what I want” speech to C the day before yesterday (and oh wasn’t it perfect that I had just written it down and had it in front of me when he walked in to kiss me).
    I WATCHED him take a step back. I WATCHED him look down at his hands. I WATCHED his inability to look me in the eye. I WATCHED him walk away, while I sat there, trembling, palms up.

    I FELT deeply deeply deeply the intense sensations in my gut, my heart, and my throat. I FELT deeply the trembling in my hands. I FELT myself near tears, and FELT my body adapt and redistribute the amazing energy all throughout my body. I was all alone, a man had just walked away from me, and I felt AMAZING!!!! I felt invincible!

    Initially I felt fear when saying what I had to say, and I think maybe it’s because I knew, deep down, that he was going to walk away and my fantasies and illusions were going to die and yet…it FELT so fricking powerful and amazing to speak my truth and let the wrong man for me fumble and walk away.

    Feeling the feelings so very very deeply, and fully feeling the PAIN I have been attracted to, is shifting my vibe. My body knows what to do with it! I don’t have to be afraid to face the pain and I’m feeling less compulsion to cause myself more pain 🙂



  411.  #411Iamabutterfly on September 21, 2012 at 7:21 am

    @409 Belle – “I WATCHED him take a step back. I WATCHED him look down at his hands. I WATCHED his inability to look me in the eye. I WATCHED him walk away, while I sat there, trembling, palms up.

    I FELT deeply deeply deeply the intense sensations in my gut, my heart, and my throat. I FELT deeply the trembling in my hands. I FELT myself near tears, and FELT my body adapt and redistribute the amazing energy all throughout my body. I was all alone, a man had just walked away from me, and I felt AMAZING!!!! I felt invincible!”

    I feel so awe-stuck, moved, and excited by this. You are amazing, Belle!
    I feel completely inspired and empowered and encouraged!



  412.  #412MissStix on September 21, 2012 at 7:28 am

    Oi oi I feel so ill in the morning still! Yuck. I feel a little fear of going to see my doc. I feel fear to find out I might have an ulcer or something. Oh sigh.

    Hmmm onto a lighter topic! Yesterday, after doing a few little exercises to embrace my angry feelings, I moved onto some self love type exercises.

    Most of my years up until about age 25 I hated my face. I hated my smile, my nose, my chin, my teeth. Everything but my eyes. Though I did not believe they brought much redemption to the rest of my face. Oh I have a memory of a guy I was seeing at age 17 and he said something to me. I swear to gawd he said “Don’t smile!” But I did not really hear him so I said “pardon me?” and he said “I said you have a nice smile.” but I never believed him. Because I already believed I had an ugly smile. Hideous in fact. Grotesque. Ouch ouch ouch little stix. You are what you believe….

    Anywho…In more recent years I have been showing love to my face. But yesterday I realized it has not been enough. Because I still believed it was not really pretty but I chose to love it anyways. Ok so it was a good start! But I want more! I wanted to BELIEVE it is PRETTY and love my face BECAUSE it IS pretty. And my smile too!

    So I sat there and thought about it…How to change this perspective and undo YEARS of belief? So I put my phone on video camera (I HATE being on camera!) and I recoreded myself! Eeeeek! I recorded myself doing all kinds of things….Facial stretches, natural smile and the smile I use in pictures and the smile I use in the mirror. I thought of funny things and laughed for real and fake laughed and pouted and made kisses and massaged my face and totally relaxed it. I changed the camera angles and recorded every angle of my face. I looked right into the camera and said out loud “look at you! You are beautiful!!! Get with it girlie and get over this thinking your face isn’t pretty! Because it is!”

    Then I watched it! Eeeek!

    Ok so I learned a few things.

    My mirror smile and my picture smile look NOTHING at all like my natural smile. And guess what? My natural smile is a little crooked but it’s CUTE! WHAAAAT? I have never even seen this smile of mine because I don’t use it in the mirror and I don’t use it in pictures! The smile I use in the mirror is the one I use in pictures and it’s awkward, fake, and it makes one of my eyes open wider than the other which looks weird and wonky! Which has always made me turn my face to one side when I smile in pictures. No wonder I have hated my smile…Jeez. If I just relax my face and smile like i’m actually happy I really do look pretty! Woooooooo yeah! I feel amazing happy perky bubbly wanna jump up and down! I cried at these realizations!

    I have spent a lot of time and effort trying to convince myself I can smile with my teeth in a picture (which I never did up until a few months ago). I started doing it and showed those pictures love, but I still believed I loved them in spite of how weird I look. I wanted to love my pics because of how pretty I look. All it took was a little video to show myself what I really look like.

    I feel so happy!

    I took a couple pictures, close up, no make up and I love them. Because I look pretty. And because I can see, in those pics, in my own eyes, that I finally believe it. I made one of them my profile pic. 🙂



  413.  #413Belle on September 21, 2012 at 7:32 am

    409
    Maybe it’s best not to “conclude” he is the “wrong” man for me, and instead just leave it at, he walked away. That feels better, makes him less important and feels less dramatic 🙂

    I did something FUN yesterday!
    It was such a beautiful day and I had nothing to do at work so I decided to leave work early. I felt like I was riding warm fall breeze of love and anticipation out the door!
    I got in my car and noticed that I just really really really FELT like driving. I love to drive, I love road trips, I love long drives to nowhere…so I surfed that gently rushing breeze on down the freeway, in the opposite direction of home.
    After about 30 minutes, I thought, “it would feel so good and be so fun to just keep driving to the next state and go to a casino!” So I kept driving, feeling SO good to do something spontaneous and free and novel and that felt so very very right.
    I entertained myself along with way with thoughts about how good it would feel to have certain things in my life taken care of, and the “I love!” game, which is noticing everything I love as I drive along, “I love green, I love sunlight, I love trees, I love the shadows of the leaves on the trees, I love sunlight on the trees, I love the feeling of cruising along, I love when other people just move out of my way, I love letting other people pass, it feels so good to see the sun reflected on the water..etc etc)

    I arrived and had to pee SO bad I knew I wouldn’t make it inside and so grabbed a cup and did my thing in the back seat, which felt very teenagery and wild and again something like I never would normally do and I sort of groaned and laughed at my shenanigans. Classy!

    I walked in with $60, listened to my guidance about which machine to play…sat down, sank a $20 and noticed my body’s reactions….
    sank another $20…WOW that went quick! …Noticing my feelings, thoughts, reactions…(Playing the “it’s a dream” game with myself…how would I react if I knew this is a dream?)
    Sank in my last $20…ding ding ding! I hit for $150. Within a few minutes, I played back down to $120, cashed out, and left.

    I was feeling so wonderful and so weird at the same time. “I just got here, what is the door guy going to think? He’s going to think she’s crazy or something…It doesn’t make any sense to just stay for 15 minutes but oh my gosh it feels so right, so perfect, it really does!”
    and as I left my positive feelings kept growing.
    I drove home, a 2.5 hour drive…and just basked in how amazingly perfect I felt!
    I covered my initial investment, plus gas money, PLUS I did something novel and spontaneous that felt super good, I got a nice long drive and boosted my self-esteem.
    It was a total win!

    My vibe is shifting fo sho fo sho!



  414.  #414Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 7:37 am

    Belle that felt fun to read



  415.  #415MissStix on September 21, 2012 at 7:39 am

    Ohhhhhh Belle!

    Omg yummmmmm that sounds AMAZING and fun and free! hehe I have peed in a cup in the back seat on one of my adventures too :p

    Oh how I love to just drive everywhere and nowhere! I did that a lot when I left ex hubby.



  416.  #416Brandylion on September 21, 2012 at 7:39 am

    Iama, #408:

    I’m interpreting this as giving a No GF/No BF speech.



  417.  #417Daria on September 21, 2012 at 7:43 am

    Belle – yeah!!! wow feels powerful!



  418.  #418Iamabutterfly on September 21, 2012 at 7:47 am

    @415 Brandylion – I feel confused. He will ask for a commitment, but if it isn’t coming, you have to talk to him about it?

    So, he will ask you if he really cares, but in some instances you have to talk to him about it?

    I feel confused because if he cares enough, I feel like he will ask for a commitment.

    but then I feel like he’s saying that if the commitment isn’t coming, you have to talk to him about it.

    either he cares, and will ask for a commitment.
    or he doesn’t care enough to ask for a commitment.

    I feel confused because it feels like there’s another possibility.

    Like he can really care about you and maybe even want a commitment, but won’t necessarily talk to you about it?

    Do you see why I feel confused?

    Like, the woman has to MOVE FIRST. OR SPEAK FIRST, or whatever.

    I feel so confused!



  419.  #419Sirenity on September 21, 2012 at 7:55 am

    Memulo,

    This feels cringey sick making to read.
    I like you memulo, and i am sure Smart CD does too.

    But why would you “confront’ him about being on a dating site? Why would he NOT be on a dating site? He is still married , stressed ,and looking to spice up his life like all the other separated men on dating sites!

    He has every right and expectation to date around. That is why he is NOT offering you a committed journey forward. He doesnt want one right now and maybe never again! Who is to know?

    The fact you give of yourself to him in love and yearning and passion and expectation of the joy of his wanting you is (sadly) totally irrelevant.He doesnt want what you want. He doesnt want THAT with you. Or else he would be in front of you talking love and rings and ever after, not hanging out for days at a time of silence.

    Hoping he will grow into love and declaration of commitment is ignoring the facts before you.

    The only hope i see of him ever wanting more with you is if you raise your degree of difficulty, become less available, stop over functioning, stop all expectations and join a DIFFERENT dating site . (And that is for your peace of mind, who cares if he knows what you are up to.) And you go on real dates with real men. No matter how much you think you only want him.

    loyalty and commitment are values you must save for someone who shares those feelings for you.

    POTENTIAL is zilch.

    Presence, spoken intent and ACTIONS that follow are the three keys that must exist before you unlock your undying love for a man.



  420.  #420Daria on September 21, 2012 at 8:04 am

    “Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out” ~ unknown to Daria



  421.  #421MissStix on September 21, 2012 at 8:09 am

    Daria 332

    I love this and subscribe to all this post says religiously…

    But I feel deeply curious to know if this applies to the situation where: I have stated a desire to walk away from the relationship and he, in turn, says “I find it really hard to think of losing you! I want to always at least be friends with you!”

    I wonder what other sirens think? Is this similar to him saying “I have always just thought of you as a friend?” does his desire to renain friends if I chose to leave mean that he really just thinks of me as a friend and not truely and deeply as a romantic love partner??

    Sirens?



  422.  #422Belle on September 21, 2012 at 8:12 am

    409

    “Initially I felt fear when saying what I had to say, and I think maybe it’s because I knew, deep down, that he was going to walk away and my fantasies and illusions were going to die and yet…it FELT so fricking powerful and amazing to speak my truth and let the wrong man for me fumble and walk away.”

    You know, the more I think about it, the more I feel like…I not only knew he was going to walk away, but deep down I really really WANTED him to opt out.
    By being fully honest, it was sort of like saying, “piss or get off the pot” but without being aggressive.
    It was my way of demonstrating, “I will not play this game of lies anymore,” and put him on the spot.

    He said, “Yeah…honesty…is best…” (says the guy with the wife and live-in gf and who knows who else)
    and I knew and he knew that my vibe is shifting where there is less and less tolerance for the lies, so if he’s going to remain a lying liar, he really has no CHOICE but to walk away if he’s not willing to change his game. It is sort of pushing him away, I suppose, but it’s not out of fear of intimacy, it’s like my vibe is more and more coherent and more and more one of truth and it’s pushing out anything that doesn’t resonate with “truth”, which is the shift I think that happens when we start attracting high-quality men.

    I noticed that since T and I talked the other night and I gave him a dose of FM truth, he hasn’t called me back and I probably won’t hear from him for a while which is sosososososo good…he did not like that I want to feel girly and cared for and his full attention is now on ‘trying’ to make a relationship work with his roomie who is playing the role I used to play with him, of being very wounded and feeling abused but then going back to the person who abused me for comfort and validation. I bless and bless and bless and love them both so very very much and

    Oh

    It’s time for my massage 🙂



  423.  #423MissStix on September 21, 2012 at 8:12 am

    To add to my post 420:

    “a man who’s “in love” in the first place does NOT turn his feelings into “friendship.” If he says he wants to be “friends” – then that’s very possibly the way he ALWAYS felt.”



  424.  #424Annie on September 21, 2012 at 8:18 am

    Presence, spoken intent and ACTIONS that follow are the three keys that must exist before you unlock your undying love for a man.

    I love this,! Absofukkkkkkkkkndloutely!

    And same with their children.
    If they are not even their how on earth can a real loving relatonship grow?



  425.  #425Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 8:20 am

    Iamabutterfly @417,

    I too believe there is that ‘space’ where a man and you may want to commit, but a man will not because you give him what he would get with the commitment anyway. I believe a lot of us here are in that ‘space’ and trying to figure this one out. FMs can be used as the ‘talk’ about what you want. A good man may step up, or walk away with that talk, or stall as long as you let him.



  426.  #426Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 8:21 am

    MissStix,

    I agree. When a man says ‘Friends’, there is very little possibility to turn that around.



  427.  #427Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Belle @412,

    How freeing and inspiring! It’s like you let yourself out of the cage, and expanded your wings and out into the horizon to explore and have fun! 🙂



  428.  #428MissStix on September 21, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Hehe belle

    Your post reminded me of my fight with G last weekend and I said:

    “I just feel so stuck like my wheels are spinning and spinning and GAWD I think in my head ‘it’s time to either sh!t or get off the pot!”

    I lol because I actually express myself very well during times of extreme frustration.



  429.  #429Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 8:25 am

    MissStix,

    I want to add though, that if you are the one walking out, he may just be ‘accepting’ your position and taking ‘Friends’ over nothing. Depends on who said ‘Friends’ first.



  430.  #430MissStix on September 21, 2012 at 8:27 am

    Siren Angel

    Mmhmm Yes. Agreed 100%. When they are saying to us that’s how they feel…Yes. For sure. However…What does it mean when it’s a direct response to US telling THEM we’re done and walking away? Rather than THEM telling US how they feel?

    Ack I feel a little sqeezy confusion in my brow.



  431.  #431Calypso on September 21, 2012 at 8:32 am

    Daria – Part of me knows I should be making him pick me up and he has offered to do it, but then that makes me feel trapped at his house – I’m at his mercy when i want to leave – not only do i have to convince him to let me go, which is sometimes a battle, i have to also motivate him to take me home.

    Wow – even as i write this I know how it sounds – lol. I have some serious issues . . .



  432.  #432MissStix on September 21, 2012 at 8:32 am

    428

    Ok yeah…I see that. This is what I wonder because I was the one saying I was prepared to leave and go my own way if I felt I needed to and in response I heard:

    “I find it really hard to think of losing you completely. I want to always at least have you as a friend.”

    And I said:

    “Well…It’s not my way to close doors on people. I could be your friend. I’ve done it all before I could do it again.”



  433.  #433Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 8:32 am

    MissStix,

    He may just be respecting your ‘wish’ to ‘walk away’, and choose ‘Friends’ over ‘Never seeing you again and loosing you completely’. Was it an ultimatum type message you gave him? Men can feel anger and defensiveness and go all pouty too.



  434.  #434bloom-ing on September 21, 2012 at 8:33 am

    iamabutterfly,

    i can imagine that some men might have no desire to Marry, etc. so “talk to him” might look like just sharing what you want & your feelings about family & Relationship…



  435.  #435Annie on September 21, 2012 at 8:34 am

    Fine righteo, He is entitled to do whatever he wants.
    If he wants to work abroad and thinks that is the best option to build a loving healthy relationship with his son and the best way of proving to me that he is capable of co parenting, lol by not even being here, then that is what he thinks and what he is entitled to so. Bye then.
    We are better off without that. And I will be choosing a better partner and parent for my child who proves to me by his actions that he wants the same as me and is capable of that.



  436.  #436Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 8:36 am

    MissStix,

    The way I see it, it is always best to stay clear of the ‘friend’ talk and zone. You don’t want to be his friend. Because, if you accept that, that’s all you will ever be.

    However, if you threaten to walk away and any other ‘or else’ type talk for that matter, I would urge you to look at that behavior (like I am doing myself and like LiliBee and BW are also looking at that more closely) and choose to say something from your vulnerability underneath the fear and the reaction of flight.



  437.  #437Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 8:39 am

    Annie,

    Maybe he really wants to be a good partner and parent, but feels he can’t win with you… just a thought. Is it possible that he sees it differently, as in ‘when we get together on holidays and long weekends we will really enjoy and appreciate our time together’?



  438.  #438Miss Bells on September 21, 2012 at 8:39 am

    #422/425
    HS was “in love” with me. But in the last couple he put me in the “friend zone”.
    So that isn’t always true.
    Rori says anger and other things can make a man withdraw sexually, but the may not want to lose the relationship.
    It may be comfortable–they may be getting other things out of it.
    HS has done this before. When I lean way back–he comes forward–and suddenly we are not “just friends” anymore.
    It is a bit more complicated then it seems.
    The word “friend” is used as a catch-all, and unless it is a plain and simple friendship is doesn’t really tell you anything.



  439.  #439bloom-ing on September 21, 2012 at 8:39 am

    daria, in my lynx dream the storm that showed the dead was a tornado : )



  440.  #440Miss Bells on September 21, 2012 at 8:40 am

    But–if there is no attraction at the beginning–then it is true–attraction is unlikely to develop out of nothing.



  441.  #441Miss Bells on September 21, 2012 at 8:43 am

    #282 Daria–I have cut loose most of the work part. There is a project–the book–that is near to my heart. It is nearly done…
    But if I am at “his” (formerly our) house during the week and he is working on the computer he is likely to do the hollering thing. Thanks for reminding me how to handle it. Now that I have a car and my own place I could actually LEAVE if I must.



  442.  #442MissStix on September 21, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Siren Angel

    Mmm ok yes! I see what you’re getting at!

    This is an interesting perspective. At the time I did not see it as a threat so much as stating my true feelings. In that moment I really and truely was done. I felt a very deep need to remove myself. I even felt a little bit like he “convinced” me to stick around to see how it goes. It felt like finally opening my mouth and speaking my real truth rather than just running without words (my usual pattern). But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a threat. hmmmmm….. something to chew on.



  443.  #443Miss Bells on September 21, 2012 at 8:46 am

    A reverse ultimatum means leaning WAAAYYY back and not saying a thing. If it works you should start getting the attention and commitment you want. If it works– the man will initiate the relationship talk.
    Mimi Tanner talks about this. She calls her program Hard to Get–but it is not about playing games. It is about having high self-worth and high degree of difficulty.



  444.  #444MissStix on September 21, 2012 at 8:53 am

    His convincing me to stick around has brought me many angry and frustrated feelings this past week. I also have confusion and opposing feelings like my own brain wants me to leave because of uncertainty and this relationship really is right, and i’m being foolish to want to leave.

    Hmmm and at the time he said his piece about not wanting to lose me completely I actually thought “oh gawd here we go again! Another man who thinks if he grasps onto me he might just get me back another day, another time.”
    Like my ex just attempted a couple weeks ago.

    I felt like…He thinks if he keeps me around in SOME way he can make me his again someday. And I actually thought in my head “Yeah well…You got another thing comin’!” Because When I made my ex my friend I stopped giving a sh!t what he did, right quick! And he tried to sleep with me…To no avail, and now he’s tried to treat me to a proper date…To no avail. Because what they don’t get is that once they become MY friend that’s all THEY’LL ever be.

    Whewf. Little bit of a rant 🙂



  445.  #445Miss Bells on September 21, 2012 at 8:56 am

    #435
    SA–that is a very good reason for men to rename you as “friend”. They think that is all they can get.
    But–if it is anger and other toxic crap (on their part) that caused them to “friend zone” a woman after a lengthy relationship then it is a lot more difficult.
    But–if the anger and toxicity is resolved than the romantic feelings often DO resurface.
    That is at the heart of dozens of “Get Your Ex Back” programs. They all use a 30 day no contact period to clear out the anger and let the underlying love return to the surface.
    For me–when I moved back in and got friend zoned nothing else changed. And I did pretend to accept it for about 6 months, which was a mistake. But we have years of history.
    I can already see little changes since I have begun to move out. But this is not something that can be turned around “in-place”.
    Getting out of the friend zone means a no-contact rule for awhile.
    That is what the tools are all about. In time, he will either step up or fall off.



  446.  #446Miss Bells on September 21, 2012 at 8:59 am

    As for CDing–
    I HATE online dating. I am taking myself off of it. It just doesn’t feel good to me.
    But I am completely open to MeetUp, and to getting out there and joining things and attending things and volunteering for things.
    I just like it organic that’s all. I must be an old hippie at heart.



  447.  #447MissStix on September 21, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Hmmm it feels powerful. Like I am the goddess and I have the control. No man can friend zone me because I do the friend zoning. And if there’s one thing i’m very good at it’s having man friends and keeping them as just a friend.



  448.  #448Iamabutterfly on September 21, 2012 at 9:06 am

    @424: Siren Angel and 433: bloom-ing – Thank you for your feedback.

    I still feel sad and confused, though I feel much calmer than yesterday.

    With probably at least three guys in my past, that I really cared about, and that it really hurt to lose, I had this distinct impression that they wanted me to say something more than I was saying.

    Men have actually told me, “You’re so friendly and flirty anyway. You need to give guys a little more so that they KNOW that you are interested in THEM, so that they can feel secure.” and then they’ll say something about how I’m intimidating because of all my amazing qualities or whatever…

    Granted, this was all before I was using Rori’s tools. But I still feel like I need to work on saying how I feel IN THE MOMENTS I’m with a man.

    I feel curious.
    I feel a little scared.
    but I feel calm.
    and I feel good.
    leaning back.
    opening my heart…



  449.  #449Daria on September 21, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Calypso -“Part of me knows I should be making him pick me up and he has offered to do it, but then that makes me feel trapped at his house – I’m at his mercy when i want to leave – not only do i have to convince him to let me go, which is sometimes a battle, i have to also motivate him to take me home.”

    Awesome! I Make sure I’m dating others to get myself balanced and used to the new good treatment im requiring

    and then, as I Do insist on getting picked up by all my dates, it will be THAT MUCH MORE CLEAR that this is NOT treatment that I’m willing to tolerate anymore

    phew



  450.  #450MissStix on September 21, 2012 at 9:10 am

    Oh hmmmm and yes!!! My frustration and anger is not stemming from him convincing me to stick around. No no. It stems from my need to be in charge of me and if it’s his idea then he is in charge.

    Oh but this is good!!!! It is good good stix because you DO want him in charge remember?? Let go of your totally masculine need for control! Oh yes please but how do I release this?? Oh I know the answers are always there before I even ask! But I know I need to ask in order to be open to seeing the answer. Mmmm yes. Ask and ye shall receive!



  451.  #451Iamabutterfly on September 21, 2012 at 9:12 am

    feedback would feel great. 😉



  452.  #452T-Girl on September 21, 2012 at 9:13 am

    Memulo, please start cd’ing. Basically that is what he is doing by being on the dating site. When I read that I got a feeling of eeww.



  453.  #453Daria on September 21, 2012 at 9:14 am

    Blooming – yes Iansa is a keeper of the of the cemetaries… 🙂 she’s very much with the dead… shes’ here now making a storm, feels a lil more calm now



  454.  #454MissStix on September 21, 2012 at 9:15 am

    Ohhh oh yes! Goddess does not NEED to control! She just KNOWS and trusts that she can welcome all her desires when they do come. Because they will come. Because she is goddess. And men already know what goddess needs. Deep down they know. But they will never bestow it upon her unless she simply exists in her glory and allows these gifts to flow freely into her heart.



  455.  #455T-Girl on September 21, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Today is starting off to be a great day. I heard “I love you” three times already this morning (which he tells me but not a lot) and he told me he is so happy. I had to remind him to leave for work because he didn’t want to leave me. I love my life right now. And I remember being at the point a couple years ago wondering if I would ever find love.



  456.  #456Daria on September 21, 2012 at 9:19 am

    BIG STEP UP FOR CDING!!!!

    our neighbor here, her son got married he was a cutie

    but I guess my mom told her I haven’t been going out much, and she says theres a nice young man that works with me and she told him about me, and said will you show her around town,

    and he’s like ok

    so now she called me to ok it (my mom didn’t look to happy about it) and i said OK! and she will gave him my number!

    I feel soooo embarassed and also excited!



  457.  #457MissStix on September 21, 2012 at 9:19 am

    mmmmmmmm

    Goddess simply lays back within her beauty and the masculine can not help it! They must come to her. Their prize. The bearer of light in the masculine world. They will wither without her light. They will puff themselves up and become huge and mighty and “pick me pick me I will be all that you ever need!”.



  458.  #458Heart on September 21, 2012 at 9:20 am

    I’ve decided to test out Circular dating…ive just accepted a date with a guy I have no real interest in….

    Also I wrote some emails and I feel balanced. I need to start getting Curious about other men pronto.



  459.  #459Heart on September 21, 2012 at 9:23 am

    Free therapy here I come..

    FW – I would like to practice being vulnerable to CudG…I want to practice for my Mr. Right (great way of looking at it) bit I have no idea what to say …any help…Sirens?



  460.  #460MissStix on September 21, 2012 at 9:26 am

    Goddess is every woman, and no woman. She is every shape and hight and colour but no form at all. Every woman can invoke her. She is there. She is feminine energy. Moving and flowing and pulsing. She transcends time. She is more than time. Time has nothing on Goddess. She is everywhere all at once and she wants to be a part of me, and all women.



  461.  #461MissStix on September 21, 2012 at 9:32 am

    We are born with a Goddess light. I am flipping my switch and I will leave it on from this moment to forever. It can never burn too brightly. It will never burn out or flicker and die so long as that switch within me remains flipped on. Mmmmm he11 to the yes! Oh my brain wants every siren to do this too! Oh it could never be a bad thing! No no. Never! Mmmm I see us all with our lights shining brightly! Every colour and more colours than even exist burning blindingly bright all over the world and crowned with glorious smiles and glittering eyes!



  462.  #462Brandylion on September 21, 2012 at 9:44 am

    Iama, #417:

    I think I see your confusion. And the thing that pops into my mind is, “I am the first domino.” (I hope I’m not misapplying this…)

    I would imagine a situation where, if he’s not asking for a commitment even if he wants it, saying to him, “I feel so good with you and I feel so safe, secure, etc. with you and what we have, but I’m looking for a lifelong commitment. What do you think?” could prompt him to go ahead and ask. And if stating your want doesn’t inspire him to step up, you keep your options open or reopen them if you’ve been exclusive.

    Does that clarify anything for you?



  463.  #463coco kisses on September 21, 2012 at 9:45 am

    Sooo I’ve been taking some time to myself this morning, my husband has been calling me since 7am…..I didn’t feel like talking, at 11 he left a message sounding a bit pissed off, like either ur super busy or you don’t want to talk to me….im like wow…..he is super used to me being suuuuppper available to him. I’m trying shift my vibe from needy to secure goddess. Last night I sprayed on my favorite scent from bath and body works, went to sleep naked in my satin sheets …it felt Sooo luxurious!!! I felt sexy!! I allowed my hands to explore my own body. Yes my sexy swag is making a comeback. Yes I love my husband, however I can’t control the outcome. I feel confident…I love myself more. I feel brilliant like a diamond



  464.  #464Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 9:49 am

    Hey You,

    Do you ever ask a man to rub your shoulders because they ache?

    Do you ask him after sex?

    Then you may have heard him mumble something about being tired before rolling over.

    You want to know why? It’s because most men are done after they ejaculate.

    Sure, you may have been lucky and found a man that does yoga and practices semen retention and can have just as many orgasms as you can…

    …but most men aren’t that able.

    Most men really don’t want to do anything after sex.

    If you want a massage, ask us before we ejaculate. We’ll still have energy.

    You want us to do the dishes, ask us before sex – we’ll do the dishes.

    You want us to go shopping with you all day long, ask us before sex, because we’ll have the energy.

    But afterwards? We go into a haze – call it a man haze. We just want to kick back and get our balls scratched and our head rubbed. You can throw in a good snuggle and a little bit of kissing.

    But not a lot of kissing.

    We like to kiss during sex, but after sex, kissing should be minimal also – too much activity.

    A little kissing is good after sex, but we don’t have the same gusto as you do because we can’t recharge our batteries as quickly. We didn’t just have seven orgasms; we had one big one.

    So, kissing, massages, shopping, dinner, doing the dishes, taking out the garbage – let’s get it all done before sex, shall we?

    See you soon,

    David Wygant



  465.  #465Memulo on September 21, 2012 at 9:53 am

    We had an agreement of being exclusive. If I start CDing without him even knowing it, his attitude towards me will not change. I want to tell him that I that I have feelings for him, I thought we had a sincere trusting relationship. I saw him on the site, I want to get on there myself and start dating other men, accept date invites that I get. I feel I want to keep my options open. And that u won’t tolerate other women and the breach of trust?



  466.  #466Memulo on September 21, 2012 at 9:54 am

    Or maybe it doesn’t matter what I say at this point, it’s too late



  467.  #467bloom-ing on September 21, 2012 at 10:05 am

    oh gosh. i feel just the tiniest bit scared & overwhelmed but – i can do that & just ride it dee dee sing a song, sailing my little boat.



  468.  #468Tereana on September 21, 2012 at 10:07 am

    Yes, it’s true. We could totally use the tools to keep a guy around who’s not the best for us.

    I guess awareness is key…



  469.  #469Daria on September 21, 2012 at 10:07 am

    heyyyyy

    i was feeling all sad and spinny headed

    and a guy hit me up on Skype and i told him i felt sad

    and he cheered me up!

    m feeling all smily now

    looking at my beauty on Skype video helped a lot too

    🙂

    i look SOOOOO GOOOOD

    GOD I LOOK GOOD



  470.  #470Daria on September 21, 2012 at 10:10 am

    Yay Cocokisses!

    “i feel brilliant like a diamond” ohhh



  471.  #471Daria on September 21, 2012 at 10:11 am

    I look like a bar of soap!



  472.  #472Memulo on September 21, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Another option is tell him when he contacts me again – if he does



  473.  #473Femininewoman on September 21, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Happy peace day everyone



  474.  #474Tereana on September 21, 2012 at 10:18 am

    Vman and I had a “fight” by text yesterday. It consisted of me getting annoyed by his answers to some of my questions. They felt mean and condescending, rather than uplifting.

    I got mad and called him an a**hole.

    Later, I texted to apologize, and he accepted. That made me feel better. More than my annoyance, I hated the tension. I wasn’t going to go to sleep with that. And we went on to have a fairly good conversation.

    But I can’t say why I feel particularly annoyed with him right now. Lots of other things are annoying me, too. So I suspect that pms has simply hit me like a bunch of bricks (which are annoying). Argh. And I feel tired. And I just want to sleep.

    And I feel afraid – my nasty voices are coming up – they are telling me that I’m not okay. That there is something fundamentally flawed and wrong with me because I got angry. I am being told (by them) that my feelings and perceptions are both incorrect and invalid. That whenever I get angry, *I* need to apologize, because *I* did something wrong. The other party is always in the right, because the other party knows best. They are infallible. Even when they are treating me like a jerk. Even (especially) when they are taking advantage of my goodness. That is their right. Because they (my parents and all others I respect or want the respect of, by proxy) are GOD.

    This seems to be part of the unconscious belief system that drives me, even though, consciously, I can identify that many of these things are not true. But on a gut level – yeah. They really do felt kinda true.

    I feel out of it today. I don’t want to work. I want to go to sleep. I need a hug :-/



  475.  #475coco kisses on September 21, 2012 at 10:26 am

    Happy peace day!!!!



  476.  #476Orna Walters on September 21, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Hello Ladies!

    Thank you Annie for posting the info for our no-cost high value webinar “Transforming Your Love Imprint to Allow More Love Into Your Life!” in post #243.

    Here is the link to register: http://www.YourLoveImprint.com

    Matthew and I would love to “see” you all on the 27th!

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna



  477.  #477Tam on September 21, 2012 at 10:39 am

    I had my hair done, first time in 7 months (I have been on a savings mission)…bad news, 2 inches had to come off – split ends. Good news: I have lovely blonde highlights now, no more root stuff.
    I don’t look like someone with unkept hair anymore but like someone who takes care of herself…ok, so it’s not loooooong long anymore but it will grow again.
    Teeth fixed: check
    Hair fixed: check
    Now if only my mind could be fixed *that* easily..ha!!
    I feel good today!!



  478.  #478coco kisses on September 21, 2012 at 10:52 am

    @Tam….that feels good reading about u taking care of yourself



  479.  #479Siren Angel on September 21, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Memulo,

    On thing you can do, without bringing up the profile, is to have the ‘exclusive’ talk with him again.



  480.  #480Tam on September 21, 2012 at 11:07 am

    477 – thank you Coco Lady 😉
    It was high time too…need to look after myself better, I have decided 🙂



  481.  #481Heart on September 21, 2012 at 11:10 am

    awesome Tam



  482.  #482Daria on September 21, 2012 at 11:11 am

    I shaved my legs!

    Thank you giving caring effortful Daria



  483.  #483Daria on September 21, 2012 at 11:12 am

    Happy peace life!



  484.  #484Iamabutterfly on September 21, 2012 at 11:21 am

    i feel really embarassed and vulnerable. i hate that i have this knowledge about jack cd seeing a girl long distance, and him thinking that i don’t know about it.

    it feels weird that he seemed to be “testing the waters” with me.

    like, the things he said in his talk, I felt suspicious that he was trying to communicate with me without actually trying to communicate with me.

    I could be wrong, but I feel so sick and tired of doubting myself and of wondering and of feeling shame and pain and having no one know of the shame and pain and wondering and doubt I’