How To Negotiate Being A “Girlfriend”

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Here’s my answer for Baby Blue Eyes – First – the question:

“Hi Rori, I have a question for you about the ‘Girlfriend Trap.’ I love the concept, but if a man officially asks a lady to be his ‘girlfriend,’ how does one decline – without putting him ‘off’?”

And here’s my answer:

Blue Eyes – If he asks you to be his “Girlfriend” – that’s your opoportunity to talk about what that means to him, and what it means to you.

If you’re very young, in college, and marriage is somewhere far off for you – being a “Girlfriend” is totally the way to go.  It’s great practice, you learn a lot, you get and give all kinds of love.

But if what you want NOW is a real, serious, lifelong relationship and marriage, then you have to ask.

You say: “Wow – that feels fantastic, and before I can accept, can we talk a bit about what that means?”

He’ll say something like – “What do you mean?”

You say: “Well, for me to give up my options and be exclusive with anyone “… (remember – you’re Circular Dating up to the moment he asks you for exclusivity, right?) …”I would only feel comfortable with that if I can feel secure that you’re thinking about me seriously…If you’re interested in marriage down the line, and I can feel comfortable that you know that’s what I’m thinking…”

Please – rewrite this speech in your OWN Feeling Messages, and use it as a way to get CLOSER to your man.  Intimacy means TALKING.

Perhaps, to him – a “Girlfriend” is for now – or he’s looking at YEARS while he figures out what he wants with you “down the line.”

And what you want is a man who wants you FOREVER – and “Girlfriend” is a very short-term step before “Fiance.”

Let me know what you think and FEEL about this…

Love, Rori



  1.  #1Erika on October 26, 2008 at 2:42 pm

    I love your way of approaching this, Rori. And what I’m feeling is curiosity about how all this is going to play out. Because I pretty much let go of the whole commitment/marriage idea and trying to get relationships to go in a particular direction and have surrendered into a more organic approach. How I feel now is way way more relaxed and happy and just enjoying every single moment and every single guy. And men seem to be magnetized to me now. So I guess I can be a guinea pig for us all and see how it plays out. 😉

  2.  #2Ashley on October 26, 2008 at 4:38 pm

    Wow I am so happy you posted this. Great stuff. It is kind of daunting and scary for me to think about asking a guy how he feels about marriage with me towards the beginning of a relationship though…I would be afraid that I would scare him away by just saying the word “marriage”! Just because several of the guys I have been dating are in their early 20’s….like this one guy in particular that I like is a year younger than me (he’s 21).

    Maybe I should not date guys who are so young and maybe not ready to think about that kind of commitment?? I don’t know. I am graduating college this December and feel that I am getting close to the point where I am ready to settle down with the right person. I’m not in a rush to get married, but I am also not interested in being a girlfriend for 5 years until the guy matures and decides he wants to finally settle down.

    Which brings me to another little dilemma…I have decided recently that I do not want to have sex again until I am married (or at the very least, engaged). I have been in 5 relationships total (where I was a “girlfriend”) and slept with most of them. But now I am at the point where I would like to wait until I am married. So my question is, how do I tell a guy this, and still keep him interested? Sex has never been THE most important part of my relationships in the past, but it is something that has really enhanced them, and helped us to feel closer. And I am unsure of how to cultivate a great relationship without sex for at least a few months in the beginning or at least until I am engaged.

    Thanks! Love, Ashley

  3.  #3Ashley on October 26, 2008 at 7:20 pm

    PS Looking back on my post, I realized I need to practice saying “I feel ______” more. I’ll work on it 😉

  4.  #4Brenda on October 27, 2008 at 5:54 am

    I love reading your article and hope that you can help me. I have been with my boyfriend for 11 months. I was married for 18 yrs and he was married for 22 yrs and both of us have been through the same things. We are living together but sometimes it feels more like I am a roommate than a girlfriend and he says he likes being single. I want to marry this man. He is everything I have ever wanted but am I going to get him to change his mind and how do I get him to change his mind about our relationship and get him to committ. I’ve been patient but sometimes I feel hurt because I give him everything that I have in me. He tells me that he loves me but a lot of times I just don’t feel it. He is not affectionate and I am finding that hard and maybe he is loving me the best he knows how. I just need more from him and I’m not sure how to get it.
    Thank you for any help you can give me.

  5.  #5Tina Tobin on October 27, 2008 at 10:14 am

    I’m glad that you’ve addressed this issue of how “girlfriend” has a very different meaning for men and women. I have women post dilemmas all the time because of the problems this word causes.

    Coming right out and asking him what he means by the term is so much better than saying yes and then stressing about what it means to him. It’s nice when sound advice can be simple. Great post.

  6.  #6Rori Raye on October 27, 2008 at 11:52 am

    Tina – Welcome to the blog, and thanks for your comment. I visited your blog, too – and will be using a great article you posted on Speed Dating here tomorrow…look for it…Rori

  7.  #7Rori Raye on October 27, 2008 at 1:24 pm

    Ashley and Erika – Thank you for your comments, and …this is going to be so long, I’m going to make it a post – look for it here –

  8.  #8Angelica on October 28, 2008 at 5:02 pm


    I am new to your blog and must say I enjoy reading your emails. I am in a situation that was hoping you can give me some some help.
    I have met someone six months ago, and we develop a very nice friendship. We do share about each other, we travel together and became very close. In one of our trips we became romanticaly involved and continue to seeing each other for a few weeks. Soon, he wanted to be “just friends”, said I meant a lot to him but he was not ready for a relationship as he has lots going on. I accepted but, my feelings had grown stronger and I don’t know how to behave with him anymore. Sometimes I just want to cut it off completely, but something holds me there.
    Not sure what to do here, if I can turn this around or simply move on.

    appreciate your input….a.

  9.  #9Doc on November 5, 2008 at 10:18 am

    Sex is very personal and our society’s views on that for women don’t help us much.

    I have always enjoyed my sexuality and, while I didn’t make apologies for what I did, I understood that our “culture” didn’t like women to own their sexuality (the way men do) and so I knew the importance of being discreet.

    There were times in my life when I enjoyed my sexual freedom. I have explored men, myself, sex and been adventurous but now I take moving to sex more slowly. This does NOT mean that I regret my past, just means I am in a different place now. My guess is that Erika – will find her choices fluctuate as well – that’s OK.

    I don’t know when our world will be in a place where women can truly make choices about sex with the same freedom as men do. We women get so many labels put on us that, I think, are really meant to keep us in place, I only wish we women would stop referring to each other by those lables – leave that to the men – if that’s what they want to do, but let’s not be part of it.

  10.  #10carolyn on November 7, 2008 at 6:06 am

    Hi Rori
    I have been practicingwith all the tools of Have The Relationship You Want and Reconnect. I have seen great results from my new way of speaking in feeling messages and breathing!
    I am stuck badly right now and need help!
    I work with a man much younger who fell head over heels for me a few months ago . We made an emotional connection of the heart . No sex He was not happy in his 11 yr marriage and wantd to leave. He has 3 small children. and that was hard for him to leave. When he started counciling we cut off communication I respected that even though it hurt.His ring was gone this wk and I said (leaning back) I feel confused. I dont want to pry.I don’t know what to say.He said pls dont cause its so complicated . He said he was concentrating on work and himself right now.I have left it alone,but I miss our deep connection and feel love for him.Should I just carry on and wait for him to open up to me??? I feel shut out. I see him daily. and it feels horrible to act as if I don’t care. When our eyes meet the strong emotion shows and we have to look away.I’ve been working with feeling present so my emotions don’t take over at work

  11.  #11Nicole on November 7, 2008 at 3:42 pm

    Summary: Moving on from a Toxic Man with hope Issue Details: Hi Rori, I have been a faithful reader for a long time and bought your book. I have always wanted to write my story for you to share with others and for the benefit of your advice but have been having a hard time putting into words the situation I am in. Your words, and descriptions very accurately reflect how I feel often times in the relationship, so here is my story.

    I met someone almost two years ago at a good friend’s birthday party. We hit it off immediately and, although I was a little hesitant at first, we both quickly fell in love (he siad it first) and he asked me to be exclusive after a few months. A few months later, he told me that he wasn’t sure whether he loved me or not and that he thought we should break up. I reacted maybe a little harshly but I said that I wasn’t going to try to convince him to stay and if he wanted a break, that was what he would get. I took all my plants back home from his place (different story) and although I was sad, I prepared to move on with my life. The caveat was, he wanted to remain ‘friends’.

    This is where I was maybe a little harsh. I told him that I had enough friends and didn’t need any more. I said that if we weren’t dating then there was no reason to be friends because we hadn’t been friends before. I viewed our relationship as a fun, short-term experiment that hadn’t turned out the way I’d planned and wanted to move on to someone who was more capable of being in a relationship. My refusing to be ‘friends’ (and I put it in quotes because we all know what it means) triggered the correct reaction in him but, it was something I wasn’t ready for. He started calling, coming over, calling my brothers, with whom he was friendly, e-mailing, texting, all of it. I couldn’t ignore him after my brother phoned me an told me that he seemed really sad and upset.

    I fell for the trick. I started seeing him again after he asked if we could try to start over and work things out. We have been ‘dating’ for almost two years now. He won’t even say that we are in a relationship. This has been going on for over a year and a half now. He once said that I was “taking the relationship too seriously” (because I expected him to comfort me after a hard day and started crying when he criticized me for something else and told him that I wanted to be by myself.) At that point, I said that I wanted to have a real relationship. I wanted a commitment and gave him the choice to go or stay. He responded by taking me to dinner and asking me to be his girlfriend (I know, how sophomoric, after over a year of knowing eachother. He’s over 30 and I’ll be 28 this year). I replied that I wanted more and that it would always be a source of friction and gave him a second chance to back out but he didn’t. Things went on, and he later rescinded his offer and wanted to go back to ‘just friends’. I am fed up with it, but I had such high hopes at one point. I know that I will be fine without him and I already have a great social life and am happy with other areas of my life but, I want(ed) so much for things to work out with us that I have a hard time giving up the hope that it still could happen.

    He knows this and plays on my hope, keeping me forever suspended between my dreams and reality. I become more disenchanted every day because I see what he is doing and although I am able to tell him how I feel and avoid silly cat fights, (the second or third time he told me that we ‘just weren’t meant to be’ I said, ‘ok’ like I always have before, and that we won’t be friends either -which always was his sticking point. I remember it perfectly, he looked at me and said, “aren’t you going to freak out and yell at me and throw things?”) he still keeps me up on the phone late at night when I have things to do the next day. There is something in me that continues to give in to him and give him a power over me, that while I know I can leave, I really want things to work out for us.

    I see that what I have been doing isn’t effective, but I feel like I am doing most things right. I tell him how I feel and don’t accuse him or blame him for things. We have a great time together, always. I ask him to help me when I can. I rarely initiate contact, unless it is for something I am planning with my friends. I am not needy, insecure, cold, a jerk, or a rageaholic. Aside from the one time I gave him the ultimatum, I have done nothing to try to force the relationship in any direction. I am happy and successful.

    He says that he has impossible standards because he always remembers the best thing about all his ex-girlfriends and expects the next girl to have the traits of all the best of the rest combined. So, I told him that there must be someone else out there for him who is more perfect than I am (although I don’t think he’ll find her and if he does she will already have found someone to appreciate her fully) and that he should find her but he says that he doesn’t want to date other people right now. I think it’s just because he is lazy and doesn’t want to try. I want to find someone who is willing to settle down with me, not someone who will settle for me. I’ve told him this so he must know it.

    I apologize. I am rambling now. My question is this, how can I leave someone who won’t let me go? I went on a date the other night and told him about it, because he asked. He is always so suspicious and very jealous and won’t ever let me out of answering a question. He always asks for more information that I want to give. If I say that I don’t feel comfortable or would rather not answer, he assumes the worst and berates me for it. For example, he asked if I kissed the guy I went to dinner with and I told him that I didn’t want to answer and he assumed that I had (which was false and triggered a reaction in me where I felt that I had to defend my own honor because hey, I’m not easy or cheap).

    I just want to find someone who is capable of loving me back. I have wasted so much time trying to work on things with someone who just doesn’t love or appreciate me. If I ignore him or crowd him out, like you suggest, he becomes very clingy and angry and nosy (almost stalker-like but not scary like he would ever hurt me). What am I doing wrong and how do I leave? Also, how do I stop hoping that he will love me the way I want him to so I won’t fall back into the trap?



  12.  #12Rori Raye on November 7, 2008 at 7:38 pm

    Nicole – Your only problem now – and it’s easily solved – is that you’re only dating HIM. You’re exclusive. You’re in the girlfriend trap.

    Start Circular Dating NOW. (Lots of stuff here about it, and I’ll be doing an entire program on Circular Dating in a few months.) Love, Rori

  13.  #13Cookie on December 31, 2008 at 12:24 am

    So, this is my first time posting on this site, I’ve been awaiting Rori’s response to my letters but until then life is happening with me and my boyfriend of now seven years. Long story short, we’ve been through everything a couple can go through sans the ring and children. Around the fourth year of our relationship,I decided to break up with him ( I was working out and taking care of my body and had lost alot of weight and was getting attention from a few admirers). Two months later, he proposed to me, I said yes but then shared with him how uncomfortable it was making me and so he asked for his ring back. I told him that I would prefer for us to continue working on the relationship and then get married. I think now I’m ready, I mean I’m not really sure if i want to be married, I think I’m afraid of it, but I know I want children and I want a family for them and myself really. So I guess I do want to be married. Anyway, he seems to be disinterested in marriage and children he seems to be more focused on getting a new car and being able to do his own thing. I’ve read Rori’s book and am trying to show more appreciation and to stop doing all the work in the relationship. Sometimes I do slip into advice giving, overfunctioning mode but I try to pull myself back into recipient mode, which I like. I feel myself warming up to him again and feeling him, and I do feel some of that love coming back from him. (It’s funny he said that he liked me more in the beginning of our relationship because I was into pleasing him, and now I want to be pleased) I have gained all of the weight that I lost when he first proposed and I’m concerned that is an issue. I know external features are a key thing for men but I want a man that will love me either way,which I sometimes believe he does. I guess I’m wondering if it’s too late for this relationship to be what I want. Should I be out there in the world, dating? I mean, I truly believe in what Rori says and we got together when we were 22 and 23, now we’re both 30. I have no idea how to date as a grown adult. This whole thing is very scary. What do you think?

  14.  #14Rori Raye on January 1, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    Cookie, Welcome – and your FIRST priority is to get back on your own side – Your self-esteem is suffering, and that’s why you put the weight on. Work on that – not necessarily the weight – but on the self-esteem. Love, Rori

  15.  #15L.L.Sweat on January 16, 2009 at 6:23 am

    I wasn’t sure where to post this comment. Its actually a question for Rori and I wasn’t sure where to post it. Hopefully you will find it here, Rori. I’m feeling so distraught yet hopeful. I have been practicing your tools for about a year now and am in a wonderful relationship with an amazing man. Well, it was wonderful. I did so many things wrong, though. I did the classic leaning forward, even though I tried to lean back, fear took over. I am learning, but it is so hard to rethink everything you’ve thought and done for years. But I know I have to or I will ruin yet another relationship. Rori, my question is, how do I, when leaning back not get angry and close my heart down. Do I skip all the feeling messages if he says he is tired of me being emotional? My head is swimming. Please help. I’m scared that I’ve ruined an amazing thing. He is very committed and, moving to be with me, paying for my bills, putting me on his insurance, always, always pays when we go out and gives me spending money. He has taken off work and traveled to spend time with my family at the holidays instead of going home to his. He is so sweet but has become cold and distant. Help.

  16.  #16Annie Ryan on January 22, 2009 at 8:06 am

    Hi Rori.
    My situation is my Husband had an affair with his ex girlfriend. they use to date before I met him. we’ve been Married for 16 years and we lived together for 13 years,
    before we got married. so we’ve been together total 29 years. I Love him very much and don’t know how to win his
    Heart back. He said he does not know how he feels about me and thinks he is in love with this other women. He told me he care’s about me and does not want to hurt me.
    I’ve told him to move out to think about what he wants, but he is still at the house with me, and still sleeping with me in the same bed. we have sex once in a great while, but yet he says he does not feel anything with me. I am so confused and hurt, and don’t know what to do any more. I keep telling him that I love him and want to fix what is wrong in our relationship.and he has not said much about it. what am I to do. Lost his Love.
    Please do not use my real name Thanks I could use your advise on this.
    Annie Ryan

  17.  #17Rori Raye on January 22, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    Annie, Welcome – and I have immediate advice for you – I’m creating a new post around your letter…

  18.  #18Bonnie Gal on February 26, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    I realize this is not the right place for a question to Rori, but I could not find the correct link, so here goes…

    Questions for Rori: Do power speeches work as effectively within email? I need a power speech for this situation.

    I just received an email from a man who used to feel very important to me a year ago. While we were “together”, with your help, I realized it was an Imaginary Relationship. We were dating and sexually exclusive but not in a Real Relationship. So I started dating others also, Leaning Way Back. We parted company when he told me (via email) he needed to work on himself and didn’t want to bring me down during this tough time, but that he wasn’t breaking up with me. I replied something to the effect of: “Good luck with that, I’ll see you around, and I will have a smile for you whenever we meet.” We had been drifting for 2 mos.

    He started dating and sleeping with another woman within a month of that email exchange. I hurt all over. They were spending nights together several nights a week and she was driving his car more than he was. This is further than we had gone as a “couple.” That was 6 mos ago. They broke up about 2 wks ago.

    Now I get this email from him saying that he feels bad about how he handled himself, says he was a jerk, and asking if we can get together soon. Not an apology, btw.
    And I know he knows the difference, as he has demonstrated appropriately in the past.

    So how do I respond? I need a Power Speech.

    I don’t want to pick things up where they left off. I feel angry and a little incredulous that he might expect that.
    This feels more like a booty call to me. And I don’t want him (or any man) to think of me as a booty call kind of woman.

    I’m not sure if this man has a place in my life any longer. He’s not toxic but he is damaged and may never recover. He may have been one of the rivers that flowed through my life and out again. I learned more about myself and my boundaries from the time I spent with him.

    Clarity, PLEASE!!

  19.  #19Rori Raye on February 27, 2009 at 10:19 am

    Welcome, Bonnie Gal, I don’t know if seeing him again will feel good or bad – that’s for you to experience. Basically – you can “date” ANYONE.

    That means a walk, a coffee, a movie, the museum, an errand run…anything, even sex – but I definitely do not recommend you sleep with him. Sounds like he’s on a rebound – and unless you or he have changed hugely since last you saw him – he still will feel about you the way he did before – however that was.

    As for email – just say the truth: “It feels good to hear from you, and not sure how I feel about seeing you…” or…and you’ll likely know what you feel like doing from his response.

    He doesn’t need to apologize, and the fact that you think he does says that you’re looking for something from him and any man you date that’s setting you up for things to not work…it’s binding up your energy.

    Before you see him, you have to utterly let him go and not care. You’re still feeling invested and resentful, and that has to go – perhaps seeing him will loosen that up for you – hard to know from here.

    I think what you want from me in a power speech is some sort of anger statement that will tell him how you felt about his behavior – and the only way you can do that is ” You know, I just still feel so angry with you, I don’t feel like being with you…”

    Love, Rori

  20.  #20Daria on February 27, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    Wow thank you Bonnie Gal and Rori. This was really clear and helpful to me!

    Bonnie Gal your energy feels so good and strong and clear. Welcome to this Siren Island blog and it would feel fun to see you post with us under the latest posts.

    Just type as the web address and you should get the newest posts.

  21.  #21Bonnie Gal on February 27, 2009 at 11:26 pm

    Thank you, Rori, for your detailed and quick response. It was very helpful to truly hear your voice and vibe in thinking out loud with me. I feel so heard!

    Actually it did NOT feel good to hear from him…I feel awful and suspicious and pressured. I feel righteously indignant. I love this part of me that feels protective of my heart and says, with some big attitude, “Why would I sign up to be treatd badly, now that I know where you’re coming from?”

    I was feeling pretty over him…the longing for him was not really for him as a person, but rather for the feelings I had (of being desired, and beautiful and special) when I was dating/sleeping with him.

    Can you talk more about the apology part? I am trying to feel my way through your message but am stuck by what you mean…”He doesn’t need to apologize, and the fact that you think he does says that you’re looking for something from him and any man you date that’s setting you up for things to not work…it’s binding up your energy.”

    THANK YOU for calling me out on this…a big AHA! I totally agree that it’s binding up my energy; I feel stuck and unable to move on until and unless I hear those “magic words.” This has been a negative pattern in personal relationships for me, and I welcome your insight and advice on a new way to look at this.

    I don’t want to get back together with him. I don’t want what we had. It feels more like an ego thing to want to be wanted by him. And that feels OK to think that way, but not act on that feeling.

    It feels really powerful to say out loud what you suggested…”I don’t feel like being with you.” My chest lifts when I say that, and now again when I think that just in my head! Wow! That feels like TRUTH, in capital letters. I’m turning this over within my body to see if it sticks.

    Daria, thank you for your warm welcome. We’re journeying together, and it feels good to share, give and receive.


  22.  #22Bonnie Gal on February 28, 2009 at 10:57 am

    Can we talk about the concept of “part-time girlfriend”?
    Although I am not young (college-age, as Rori defines the “OK to just be a girlfriend phase”), I am not ready to think about marriage again.

    I was married at 19, married for 25 years, and find myself on the other side of that passage now…age 45, with two children at home, ages 16 and 12.

    I want a part time boyfriend. That is, I want a man in my life who is caring, affectionate, sexually exclusive, but who can tolerate my schedule of working and spending a lot of time with my children (their dad is out of the country for the next year.) Men seem to want a lot of my time, want to be included in my family life and I am not in a place/space where that feels right or necessary.

    They want to talk on the phone every day, email long letters, attend my children’s sports/school events, work on my house projects with me, cook meals with me. Eeek!

    I know some women would really enjoy and want this, but it does not feel right to me at this time. I think it’s our mid-age (45-50) that makes us want to grab on to a good thing and hang on for dear life?? Through my ciruclar dating, I have 2 men that want to marry me and 2 more that are talking about love. I just want to go dancing on Saturday night or on a motorcycle ride tomorrow or camping next month. I am rediscovering me and loving that! I want a man who can make a plan and carry it out! I don’t want another child…got 2 already.

    I thought I had a transition man, but the very things that we agreed on the structure of our relationship became the friction. He agreed that he wanted it casual but exlcusive, then berated me when I said that I didn’t want to get married (as a concept) any time in the foreseeable future. He saw as weakness my willingness to meet him after his work hours (11 pm) but that worked for me because of my work and family schedule. He saw as weakness my ability to let him go a week or two without contacting me and not make a fuss…guess what? I was busy and didn’t/don’t need a whole lot of fuss. He said he didn’t want to have to do a daily checkin, and I said awesome! ‘bc I don’t need that either!. One day he would ask if I saw us getting married, and in the same paragraph of the same conversation he would say that he was not BF material. He would send me messages of amazing passion and affection, and then complain that I was very sexual.

    Too much male energy from me?? I do have a lot of masculine energy that I am learning how to channel into the most effective ways.


  23.  #23simply_me on May 21, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    how can i move on without looking bitter??

  24.  #24Kath Wevell on June 25, 2009 at 5:08 am

    Hi Rori,

    I should have found your advice years ago!- but now that I have I am so glad. I realise that I have had many realtionships in the past where I have over-compensated for their feelings of inadequacy- and have been the emotional punch bag more times than I care to remember. After seven years of being on my own after a terrible marriage- I finally felt I knew what kind of relationship I wanted and needed- I met a man who had only been divorced for two years and had had a terrible marriage himself. But I saw him as someone coping with the pain and hurt the best way he could and seemed strong and together. We got on instantly and he pursued me-which did feel good-but we moved in together too soon and the emotional rollercoaster started from there. We argued almost daily-no exageration- he verbally attacked me for everything-he treated me very badly and I felt I’d made a huge mistake. I moved out after three months because he allowed me to believe that he was seeing someone else. We had no contact for a month- then we met again and he started coming to my flat every day, and then moved in a month later. But it was wrong from day one-and I knew it!- he carried on behaving exactly the same way as before- and I felt trapped in a relationship I didn’t want with a man who wouldn’t leave!- In February this year, I got to the point where I was so angry and had had enough that I flipped one night and threw all his things down the stairs. He said he never realised I felt that bad (!) and promised me he’d change- but I didn’t see any signs of it- and then I found your book-and your CDs and I am now building myself back together again- He has told me in the last month that he loves me and wants to marry me and is sorry for all that he has done wrong. We still live together but I am not convinced anything will change-but I am open to it- but in the meantime I am focussing on me- I realise I did far too much for him before and because I’ve now stopped I am wondering whether he actually only loves me for what I did for him, rather than for me as a person. I guess only time will tell- but I just wanted to say thank you- You have given me the strength to stand up for myself and for what I want and need and more to the point, how I want to be treated- its not all about him- never has been- and never will be!!

  25.  #25Rori Raye on July 1, 2009 at 11:10 am

    Welcome, Kath, and so glad for your brilliant new attitude and vibe…Love, Rori

  26.  #26Lisa Willis on July 22, 2009 at 7:39 am

    Hello Rori, I met a man a little over 2 years ago. He did all the right things as a “secret admirer” to attract me to him. Finally he asked me out, and we fell crazy in love together. The first year was incredible. We knew we were meant for each other, and we told each other endlessly that we loved one another. The second year things started going down hill. We had had some arguments- over petty little things. He reacted by not talking to me at all. Not returning my phone calls. We would eventually make up and continue our relationship. He would always tell me that “he will always love me.” About 7 months ago, he gave me an engagement ring. I was so excited, and it made me feel so much more closer to him. I knew that we were going to be together for many years to come. Then we had another incident- I guess it could be called that. I had not called one day when I said I would. (I know this sounds childish) I had an extremely awful day, very emotional with some other issues going on financially. When I called him the next day to explain that things were not going so good, he never returned my call. In fact, from that day, he has not talked to me since or returned my phone calls. It had been at least two weeks of not hearing from him so I went by his house to see if everything was ok with him. We talked, after he continuously told me to go home and stop acting like I was 15 trying to get him back. He later told me that the reason why he never called me was because he didn’t want anymore abuse from me. I was unaware that I was doing anything to him. He kept applying our arguments and disagreements to his abuse as a child. His father abused him through yelling which lead him to leave home and thus when we argued I too would get angry and yell. It has been about 3 weeks now that we have not been together. He has told me that he does not love me enough to want to try again. I can’t help myself but to still love him because I believe we can make it work again. I have asked him to consider speaking to a third person for advice, but again he is not returning my phone calls. I really think he needs help because he is shutting me out for all the wrong reasons. Am I crazy to still want this relationship? I feel he really needs help in understanding how to handle the differences in opinions and comments in a relationship. I want to help him and us get back together because through all of this, I do still love him. Does he just need time to himself. Should I just leave him alone?

  27.  #27Rori Raye on July 22, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    Lisa, Welcome, and so sorry for your situation. Your man needs professional help, and you can’t provide it. A man that cannot tolerate anger occasionally (I take you at your word that this is not a constant thing…) will become depressed, and you will walk on eggshells. Not good for a relationship. Perhaps he’ll get help and you’ll hear from him…but now I would encourage you to date other men and focus on healing yourself. Love, Rori

  28.  #28Samantha on August 3, 2009 at 10:16 am

    Dear Rori,
    I am in need of advice from you as to what I should do because I feel like I am trapped within my own feelings. I have been with this guy for 2 years and we have lived together for most of that time. We were so amazing in the start and now we just seem to argue or fight – it’s like somethings gotta give here! Like I feel I can’t say or do anything right there always seems to be a comment from him which most often seems to start our fights and of course he thinks that its “me” causing the problems with my attitude or arguing back with him etc. I can’t get a word in or I’m said to be “giving him attitude” Of course only in negative situations. And he always cries wolf by saying hes done – we’re over, hes leaving etc etc. But last week he was so distant from me I felt aweful, I let it bother me that he wouldnt be close or he would continuously shun me away when I came to him for love or affection he just turned his head or told me to stop or w.e. I felt like I was ready to burst!! So I said would it be better if I left at the end of the week and just left you alone- because I can’t do this anymore- I want to feel your love but your always pushing me away. So he of course got on the defensive and agreed with my moving out and immediatly got out a list of what was his/mine. It was 11:00pm. Then I got emotional going on about how i felt about him and how he used to love me and he was so charming etc. so the feelings came from botehr sides and he had told me that he used to be so into the relationship and I wasent as much as he was back in the beginning and now that I am im finidng that hes not anymore….Once all the feelings were done- the rest of the week was great! and we forgot about me leaving at the end of the week. But last night we had another upset- we got into a spat in the car that afternoon then the rest of the night was a write off to him and he can never get out of his bad moods then he cut his toe last night he asked me to help him clean it (I’m a nurse) so I tried to help him dress it and of course he was misserable because I was treating him like a patient, he said thanks(but in a rude way), I said nothing, and walked away. Now today hes acting distant and actnig not like a boyfriend and hes left to go somewhere today and I asked where he shunned me and said its none of my business. He told me that we are just 2 people living together because we are stuck here for now. I am very hurt and don’t know what I should do…Please help Rori. Or anyone with advice they’re willing to lend to me. Thank you- sorry its so long…

  29.  #29Samantha on August 3, 2009 at 12:59 pm

    Rori- Regarding my last comment the advice I want to know is should I move out from our place together and find my own? Do you think that he might be able to better connect with me emotionally and not be so smothered by our “relationship” and be able to have a better one if there was some space between us? Because Christian Carter said something about how a woman becomes more attractive to a man if she is willing to leave the relationship (and the man can really see if that is what he wants or doesn’t) What do you think I should do? Thanks again

  30.  #30Kath on August 4, 2009 at 4:30 am

    Oh Samantha,

    I have soo been where you are right now but for Gods Sake- Why are you wasting your time with this jerk and letting him walk all over you??!!- Stop letting him call all the shots, move out, don’t ask him if its OK- just do it!- Get your own space and remember how good a person you are- where are your friends?- go and spend time with them, learn to have fun again. You can’t help this guy, and sure as heck isn’t helping you. I have now been on my own for four weeks and he has been trying to convince me he’ll change and that “we” can work this out- but I have the strength now to say I don’t want to- I don’t need to!- I’m better off without him- and so will you be!!!

  31.  #31Kacy on August 5, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    Hi Rori, Ten months ago through my business (I am a Faux Finish Artist) I became reconnected to a man that I dated 38 years ago. I soon found out from him that he has thought of me all of these years and had always wished that we could reconnect. During the first 2 months of being reconnected everything was absolutely romantic and wonderful and he expressed many times that he wanted to marry me and have the “Love of his life, back in his life again.” Things became very intense between us and after about 4 months the relationship became sexual. The problem is that after 9 and 1/2 months and alot of turmoil, including us breaking up 3 times I finally discovered that the problem is that he is a Commitment Phobe. Prior to me figuring this out, I admit that I would not react in a beneficial way when he would pull away from me. I did most all of the wrong things, because I was so confused by his Go Away, Come Back..I love you more than anything actions!
    Since then I have done alot of research into the subject over the past few weeks and just last Saturday I broke things off with him, because he calls me everyday and tells me he loves me etc. but hasn’t made any attempt to see me for about 2/ 12 months. This is all about him back pedaling and creating space between us because of his commitment fears. I told him in a very loving way that I need to see the man I love and do things together. Laugh, have fun, hold each other etc. I let him know that I realize now, that his reactions are due to his fears of commitment and trust issues and that I was going to continue working on my issues which led us to where we are now, and that until he decides what he wants to do, I felt it was best for us to seperate. Two weeks prior to me calling things off, I had been following the advice of several online sights about pulling back and focusing on myself and being more involved in my own life. When I did this he did step up to the plate and called more and seemed intrigued by my new approach, but still did not attempt to make arrangements to see me. That is why I finally broke it off. My question is…Should I have taken the step to break this off like I did, or should I have stayed connected to him and try to reach him through some of the “Tools” that you teach? I felt he was being disrespectful of me and the relationship by giving me lip service w/o any attempt to have a Real Relationship by seeing each other. I believe that he was at a point of wanting space (due to his fears) and not being able to commit to breaking it off either. I suppose that I felt I needed to shake him up a little bit and also to be respectful of Myself. Now of course, I don’t hear from him, (its only been 4 days however) and I admit that I’m questioning my decision. I have to end by saying that I know he does truly love me and I believe that he is confused by his own behavior. He likely is not aware of Commitment Phobia and what that really means. I know that he has felt very contorted inside by his own feelings and actions. I have read on other web sites that the only hope is for him to get professional counseling for his CP issues and that it would be stupid of me to reengage with him w/o him doing that. So again, I love this man and want this to work. Should I have taken the step I did and if not is there anything I can do now to turn things around? Please help me! Thanks

  32.  #32Kacy on August 5, 2009 at 10:02 pm

    Kacy again…What does “Your comment is awaiting moderation” mean?

  33.  #33Rori Raye on August 7, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    Means if you’re new to the blog – I have to see your comment and make sure it isn’t spam –sorry it takes me so long…Rori

  34.  #34Rori Raye on August 7, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    Hi Kacy, welcome. The solution to all of this for you is Circular Dating. When you do it, you’ll get how it works in this situation. Love, Rori

  35.  #35Kacy on August 7, 2009 at 3:42 pm

    Rori, Thank you for your reply. I’m sure you find yourself spread very thin with all of the marvelous things you do to help women. I didn’t know what “awaiting moderation” meant. So thank you for your reply to my question.
    Where do I go to find info about Circular Dating? I understand that that is something that would help me and my self esteem however, I have restrictions about dating in general that are related to my faith and I do not have access to alot of men within my faith that are available even for casual/non-romatic dating. I am also 57 years old (although I look considerably younger, I am told) which makes it a little more challenging as well. I prefer not to go into these restrictions anymore in this venue.
    Specifically, Rori, I would like to know if I should leave things as they are which is being seperated … until he knows what he wants. I did not intend for this action to be an ultimatum for him, but I felt disrespected because of him calling every day and declaring his Love for me, but not attempting to see me. (This is typical CP behviour) As I stated above; I am second guessing the decision that I made in seperating from him, because now I am not able to work on the relationship with all of the wonderful ideas you present. However, I also feel uncomfortable at this point in contacting him, and trying to reestablish a connection because it would feel to me like back pedaling and appearing that I do not hold to my decisions. I am eager to read your online e-book, which I just got and am considering your CD’s about “Commitment”. It will be a few weeks however before I can swing that, and I don’t want to continue keeping things in a seperated state with him, if that really is not the best way of bringing about a healing of this relationship and bringing it to where I would like to see it go. Please advise me about this in particular if you would be so kind. Thank You Rori.

  36.  #36Rori Raye on August 8, 2009 at 5:43 pm

    Kacy – dating sites online around faith are huge. Go online surfing and googling singles of your faith and see what you get…I’ll bet you’ll find discussion groups, online churches, online dating and all kinds of things that will broaden your pool of men and get you more active in the world. Volunteering is a great way to meet quality men. You’re going to have to look into this and make an effort – otherwise I’m going to think you’re just using your faith as an excuse. There are others like you. Go find them. Circular Dating is here…in the Targeting Mr. Right section – and that’s the program you should get, after the ebook. Love, Rori

  37.  #37Kacy on August 8, 2009 at 7:55 pm

    Rori, I appreciate your input. I do feel a little frustrated because as I have been going through your e-book it asks me to question whether I feel that the man I’m involved with is worth working things out with and what I appreciate about him etc. to know whether this is a relationship I want to salvage. I did that whole exercise as well as going through and doing all of the exercises through Chapter 20 in the book,thus far. I came to the conclusion that it is a relationship I want to work on. Hi is worth it! Since I have called a halt to the relationship due to his commitment behaviors I am trying to evaluate whether that was an action I should have taken and if I should leave it where it is or attempt to reconnect in order to use the information you provide and to: “Have the Relationship I Really Want.” I feel confused about why I can’t get an answer to that. Even if I did Circular dating, would that be with the exclusion of this person? He would not be in my life at this point? That I would keep things as they are now, with no communication between us? It feels to me at this point that its being suggested that I just move on and forget this person and any hope of moving forward with this relationship.
    I don’t believe
    I am not a person who uses too many things as excuses, and I realize that you may be unfamiliar with my particular situation and the restrictions that apply to my personal/faith regarding dating, but I have to ask that you trust what I have stated about that. Does that exempt me from getting an answer to my question about the man I’m aleady involved with? I’m trying to understand.

  38.  #38Kacy on August 8, 2009 at 8:09 pm

    Rori, I appreciate your input. I do feel a little frustrated and confused because as I have been going through your e-book it asks me to question whether I feel that the man I’m involved with is worth working things out with and what I appreciate about him etc. to know whether this is a relationship I want to salvage. (Does that only apply to a man I am married to?) I did that whole exercise as well as going through and doing all of the exercises through Chapter 20 in the book,thus far. I came to the conclusion that it is a relationship I want to work on. He is worth it! Since I have called a halt to the relationship due to his commitment behaviors I am trying to evaluate whether that was an action I should have taken and if I should leave it where it is or attempt to reconnect in order to use the information you provide and to: “Have the Relationship I Really Want.” I feel confused about why I can’t get an answer to that. Even if I did Circular dating, would that be with the exclusion of this person being in my life at all anymore? It feels to me at this point that its being suggested that I just move on and forget this person and any hope of moving forward or salvaging this relationship. I’m not understanding that.

    I am not a person who uses too many things as excuses, and I realize that you may be unfamiliar with my particular situation and the restrictions that apply to my personal/faith regarding dating, but I have to ask that you trust what I have stated about that. Does that exempt me from getting an answer to my question about the man I’m aleady involved with? I’m trying to understand.

  39.  #39LJ on August 14, 2009 at 9:37 am

    Hi Rori,
    I have been working with your cds, currently, the reconnecting your relationship program. I have been in a “relationship” w/ my man for 4 years. I am feeling for a while now that I don’t even know if I am really in a “relationship” or at least what I consider one. I have been feeling like we are on separate pages of the book, I feel disconnected from him because of this…it hurts..i know that I need to express this too him..and i’ve been scared… My guy is difficult when it comes to sharing feelings, so many times, and for a while, I realize I’ve been stuffing bad feelings inside, and i feel afraid to talk to him. It’s eating away at me.

    I will go more in depth w/ my story later..there is so much to tell about my situation and I find myself always feeling confused, hurt, and angry. I feel you’ll find my story really interesting, but I’m just sharing bits and pieces right now…….

    I have a question and concern that I hope you can help me with with regards to letting your man know you would like to talk and setting an appointment with him….b/c i finally took a step to do that and arrange a using your tools..which helped give me the strength…

    After weeks of listening to your cds, I finally called him and using your tools to the best of my ability, i told him that I had some things on my chest that I needed to get off, that I have been feeling confused about us, and feeling disconnected, and how that made me feel awful . I told him that it feels so good when i’m with him, and were having fun, and i feel connected. I told him it would feel good to talk about this with him. He asked what I wanted him to do. I told him that I wasn’t asking him to do anything. I just want to be heard and listened to and I’d like to hear him talk back. He said that he might not do much talking. I told him that was okay. I asked him if we could get together in the next couple days to talk in person? (we work together). I told him that I don’t feel comfortable speaking with him about this at work….. I tried to make an “appointment”…(this was on wed. when I brought this up)…so in trying to work out a time..he said he couldn’t thursday..he didn’t know about friday… (basically Rori, i felt like i was left hanging which happens alot especially when it involves approaching him to talk)….(he hinted to the possibility of I told him friday afterwork was good for me…and said why don’t you just let me know tomorrow(thurs) if Friday works for you)……(Rori, i felt I spoke calmly and in a very non-threatening way, and put it about me w/ feeling least i thought I did)..i also said to him at one point..that I wanted to let him know that..this (conversation)…is not about blaming, or anyone being at fault, or putting any pressure on you…( i probably made the mistake of leaning forward here or elsewhere but felt the need to insert positivity)
    .after we got we off assumption was that he would let me know Thursday about meeting Friday

    Rori, I have to let you know that even getting this far was an accomplishment for me. I have been afraid to bring stuff up to him…..i feel like it’s a struggle some times to communicate with him on an intimate level with words…

    it’s Friday…and no response from him at allI haven’t heard from himat all…no call..nothing..he works down the when i see him, i’m cordial…I haven’t said anything but “Hi, how you doin” casually when I walk by………
    …this doesn’t surprise me Rori, ..this is sort of his pattern…now I fear that i’m not gonna hear anything from him …and days or weeks are going to go by and no communication.. (this has happened when he’s withdrawed before in the past, and then it feels really uncomfortable at work….i am afraid of him cutting off communication..which he has done in the past…then I hold off for as long as I can…feeling awkward…around him..then angry, etc…)….I’m starting to feel angry, anxious now….I don’t know how to be around him at work…i don’t know if he’s going to say anything or not…( i find myself going back to that strategizing mode that i hate) now..”do I wait a couple days and if he doesn’t say anything, then do I express my dispointment and anger w/ feeling messages, or do i not say anything…and what is the best way to handle seeing him ay work?…

    Rori, any advice you or the ladies could give me would be most helpful. Thank You.
    With love,

  40.  #40Rori Raye on August 14, 2009 at 10:17 am

    LJ, Brava to you! You are fabulous and are a “poster child” for us for taking baby steps. Once you’ve gotten this conversation under your belt, and remember it doesn’t matter how it turns out, it just matters that you practice and that you stick with yourself and your feelings, then I want you to totally buckle down and do Circular Dating. The program for you now is Targeting Mr. Right and all the tools that go with it to help you work your way out of this (I assume) exclusive arrangement that’s been going on for way too long at all to HIS benefit and none to yours. You’re doing this exactly right — keep doing what you’re doing and keep letting us know how it’s going. Love Rori

  41.  #41LJ on August 14, 2009 at 11:24 am

    Thanks Rori for the encouragement and for getting back to me so quickly.. I would really like your opinion and thoughts on what i do now….my question/concerns are below.
    I counted on him getting back to me to confirm a time (making an appointment) so we could have this conversation and he hasn’t…i’m leaning back and waiting for an answer…..Because he’s not doing or saying anything…and I’m leaning back…i feel like i’m in some sort of stance…i don’t like this feeling…there’s no communication at all or interaction even at work…when normally there would be…i’ve felt this just hurts..I don’t want to feel tension build between us..especially at work all b/c i simply asked him to talk…

    ..Can you give me any insight as to what he may be feeling as a man from your experience? if he goes days now and doesn’t contact me, what’s the best thing to do?
    I feel awful when were not talking. If he repeats his patterns and makes no attempt to contact me….at what point do I lean forward, or do I?

    thank you rori

  42.  #42Rori Raye on August 14, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    LJ – You must back off and Circular Date. Period. Love, Rori

  43.  #43Kacy on August 20, 2009 at 8:50 am

    Hi Rori, I’m curious about a comment from you on another blog “Answers to your questions,” where you are telling someone, “You don’t have to date men in order to Circular Date, in some situations. If that is true I still feel confused about why you haven’t answered my question above about whether I should reconnect with my man in order to use all of the other the tools you teach. I feel confused and “dropped” by the lack of response. I feel that my “faith” issues surrounding me dating other men isn’t being understood or maybe not respected. I want to apply “Circular dating” to my situation, but have the restrictions as stated in the earlier comments. I have been doing many other things with friends and am taking a photography class, going on shoots with my camera etc. etc.
    (He actually called me a week into the breakup and expressed how miserable he was w/o me and he has called me every day since then and invited me out to dinner two days after his first call.) I failed to bring the issues that caused me to break things off with him to the fore front in that initial conversation by asking him, what he had reflected on during the week that we didn’t speak, (should I have done that?) then as the days have gone by, I admit I havent felt real comfortable bringing it up. I feel that I want to discuss it when the next “event” comes up so that I can be “In the moment” with the conversation and let him know what my “feelings” are, as they occur. Is that what you would advise or should I address it now in a more straight forward fashion?
    I’m not trying to be difficult or disrespectful, by questioning your non-reply, I’m just not sure why there has been a lack of response to my direct question and a seeming misunderstanding of my particular situation surrounding dating other men. Please advise Rori.

  44.  #44Rori Raye on August 20, 2009 at 9:51 am

    Hi, Kacy — I’ll look for your other comments, and so sorry…I pretty much respond only to the new commenters to welcome you as you come in, and have, so sorry, not attended to the ‘question” category. Let me just say, based on this comment… here’s what you asked: “…by asking him, what he had reflected on during the week that we didn’t speak, (should I have done that?)…so what’s needed here for you is a more basic understanding of my whole method…by even THINKING of asking him what he’s thinking, you’re sort of going in the oposite direction of what we’re trying to do here. Circular Dating means interacting with other people, men, everyone, old and young, and learning to be with your feelings and express them without judgment about another or mental activity. This would be no problem for you with your faith. And when you are broken off with a man, there is simply no reason for you not to have lunch, a walk, or dinner with other men. My whole method is based on non-exclusivity until marriage. Love, Rori

  45.  #45Rori Raye on August 20, 2009 at 10:00 am

    Kacy – found your other post…and I’m going to post my answer again:

    Kacy – dating sites online around faith are huge. Go online surfing and googling singles of your faith and see what you get…I’ll bet you’ll find discussion groups, online churches, online dating and all kinds of things that will broaden your pool of men and get you more active in the world. Volunteering is a great way to meet quality men. You’re going to have to look into this and make an effort – otherwise I’m going to think you’re just using your faith as an excuse. There are others like you. Go find them. Circular Dating is here…in the Targeting Mr. Right section – and that’s the program you should get, after the ebook. Love, Rori

    You have to get this: you are making WAY to big a deal over whether or not you are “broken up” with him. If what you want is commitment, and he is not giving it to you (not trying to see you for 2 1/2 months is totally unacceptable, I can’t even imagine what you’d want with him if he can’t even do that…) If you are Circular Dating – you can “date” him if you want. But I certainly wouldn’t have sex with him now until you get the commitment you want.

    You are pining. You are obsessed. Please – since faith is a huge part of your life…get your energy OFF of HIM and onto you and the rest of the world. Volunteer. Throw yourself into new things. Date other men. If a man is giving you this much trouble –he’s simply not worth it. What you are asking me to tell you is off the point. You want a specific answer of how you should respond to him. And I say –if it feels good, the way he’s relating to you…then talk to him and see him, if he asks…But for you to initiate anything at this point will not serve you. This is about as specific as I can get – this is a “bigger picture” issue, and I wish you luck and hope the other women here will jump in and help you get that bigger picture…I know if you read around the site you’ll get some answers to your questions…Love, Rori

  46.  #46Kacy on August 20, 2009 at 11:17 am

    Hi Rori, Thanks for your reply and thanks for clarifying. I appreciate what you’re saying. I do want to mention that we live a distance of about 4 hours from each other which has made it more difficult to actually see each other at times depending upon each of our work schedules. Regardless, this is not an excuse for his withdrawing and putting some limits on the time we spend together. Those limits are brought about becasue of his Commitment Issues and Fears. I am not having sex with him at this point and haven’t for several months due to the issues between us.(Lack of commitment) It has felt to me that since he is still involved with me even though we aren’t being sexual, that his feelings for me are genuine. He is not seeing anyone else. Although we are not being sexual, neither one of us is dating anyone else and he has been calling me every day at least twice. When he calls he always tells me he loves me and calls me all of the pet names he has always called me. I do not talk with him about COMMITMENT, but recently expecially after going through your E-Book I am leaning way back. As I stated, I am involved in many other things in my life including volunteering, photography and running my own business. So I don’t feel that I am sitting around pinning over him. Do I love him? Yes. Do I want this to move forward into a committed relationship? Yes. I feel that he is only being held up from committing because he has some deep fears surrounding that. These fears of his only became apparent to me in the last month and prior to that for the first 3 – 4 months of our relationship he expressed a strong desire for us to be married. This set me up to believe that his was his goal and it came as a shock to me to realize that he then got cold feet. So I have been going through your tools to see what part I’ve played in any fears he may be having and becoming educated as to how I can be a more healthy person. I recently purchased you Commitment Blueprint program and am looking forward to going through that. I have just finished your e-book for the second time. Thanks for your time, I appreciate you good thoughts.

  47.  #47Rori Raye on August 20, 2009 at 12:10 pm

    Kacy – Brava, and please keep letting me know how you’re doing…Love, Rori

  48.  #48Mary B on October 15, 2009 at 3:43 am

    Hi Rori:

    I have purchased your book and also the cds “Targeting Mr Right” and loved it.
    Well I have a story to tell you…hahaha

    I just got out of a 2 year relationship with someone I loved so much..but he started to lie to me and cheated on me repeatedly. So I opted out of it.
    After lots of reading and listening to your cds I realized I gave to much of my self and he gave little. So anyway I started to meet some guys on dates which turned out with no
    sparks or they dropped off the face of the earth . So I talked to this one guy who seemed very nice that I met thru Yahoo Personals. He called a couple times then we set a time to meet.
    So I met him at this restaurant/bar and we hit it off great. He said he really liked me. So we ordered drinks and food. While waiting for the food to come, he asked me “ So you want the whole ball of wax?” I said “What do you mean? Like a long term relationship?” He said “Yes”. I told him “Yes eventually” He said “What do you mean eventually?” So I responded “well I have been hurt before in jumping right into a LTR and this time I want to make sure the next relationship is my last one. I want to be sure I pick the right one to get into a serious relationship with. I don’t want to jump in it with my eyes closed.” HE said “ well you don’t know until u jump in” I said “That is not what I want. I want to be sure which relationship I choose to get into” So he replied “what does this mean for me if we click?” I said “It means that if you want this, you will wait until I am ready”. At the point he called the waitress and told her to bring the check and cancel the food order! Hahaha I turned to him and said “What is wrong?” He said “well I told you I want a LTR and there is no sense in wasting any more time here if u don’t want one” I told him that is not what I said. He started to speak but at that point I put my hand up to him and said “ don’t say another word, you have a good night…I am out of here.” Then I left.

    I walked out feeling GREAT! For the first time I stood up for what “I” want and not what he wanted. And if he didn’t like it then so be it..NEXT! THIS TIME IT’S ALL ABOUT ME AND WHAT I WANT, AND NOT WHAT THE GUY WANTS.

    Your Targeting Mr Right has helped me so much. I have been meeting so many “frogs” lately that rather than get depressed over it, I look at it as a learning experience. Somewhere my Mr Right is in there.

    Thank you so very much!

    MARY B.

  49.  #49Rori Raye on October 15, 2009 at 7:13 pm

    Mary B, Welcome, and BRILLIANT!!! To make it even easier the next time someone asks you, say…”I want a forever-after relationship, marriage and family.” And don’t worry about expressing the “no boyfriend” part or the exclusive part until the man brings it up…and then you just do the “No Boyfriend” speech, and all will be good….You GO girl!!! Love, Rori

  50.  #50thomas Turner on October 20, 2009 at 4:12 pm

    dear miss Rori Raye
    I am writing you to say thank you for your colum. I am a white male 54 yrs old and I kept trying what the men’s advise was for finding a lady to share my life with and was not finding any. Most were ladies that only seeked to get drunk or have sex. None were ladies that wanted an honest relationship that included marriage, God and having a family. I was forwarded you writing and have received then for most of the year now and I used them in a way that helped me find my lady we will be getting married this next week and so I write you to say tanks. I know you write your advise for ladies but from my point as a business owner and now a sucess by reading and using your advice have to say that men should also read your advise they would find honest love and happiness much easier.
    Thomas Turner CEO Turner Services

  51.  #51Rori Raye on October 20, 2009 at 10:21 pm

    Wow – Thomas, thank you so much for sharing your story, and congratulations! Love, Rori

  52.  #52Rachel on February 3, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    I have a question…
    I am in a bit of a dilemna and hope you can help out. I have been with my boyfriend for about 2.5 years now. It has been so up and down and just when I think its going wonderfully he distances himself again. Basically the problem is that he is a very busy man and doesn’t have a lot of time to spend with me. In the beginning I told him I need to see him at least 3 times a week and he agreed. Now, we see eachother about once a week for a few hours. When I bring it up, he gets stressed out and says fine lets break up and if you love me you should be patient and understand I don’t have a lot of time. He says if I love him I shouldn’t care how much I see him. So he will say he wants to break up and then 10 min. later he will say he is just stressed and doesn’t want to break up. This is just so up and down it really hurts me. He bought me a ring back in november. I went with him to pick it out and it was the sweetest moment. He was going to ask me soon but now says he’s not ready and needs time. It is just so back and forth. He just recently told me he was sorry and is going to take action to work things out and move forward. But I just got in another fight with him and he went on to say again that we should just break up and its over. Then yet again, 10 minutes later he said he doesn’t want to break up and he is just stressed. I really try to use your tools and not get angry at him. Is this just a no win situation? Help!
    -on a rollercoaster

  53.  #53Rori Raye on February 5, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Rachel – the answer is so quick and simple, you’ll be blown away. This is classic Circular Dating time. Get my ebook right now, if you don’t have it – because you’re going to need to start the soft on the outside, strong on the inside process, then Modern Siren and Targeting Mr. Right. Get them together if you can. You’re going to be DATING OTHER MEN. Not out of spite, or revenge, or anything else. You simply say you’re lonely, you miss him, and it doesn’t feel right to close off your options without a commitment after all this time. Smile, be warm, have sex with him …but STICK TO YOUR GUNS. Now – you have to get out there so you pull in invitations from other men for coffee, walks, dinner, movies…and DO IT!!!!! This is not a time to be stuck in “girlfriend.” Your attitude is this: “If he loves me, he’ll know that I need more than the time we can have together right now, and he wouldn’t want me to wait for him without a real commitment.” Love, Rori

  54.  #54Oh on March 5, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    this is wonderful advice. i wish i’d followed it when embarking on my latest romantic excursion with T. he asked me to be exclusive v. early on. he’s now retreating. I will definitely do this in future. x

  55.  #55Alicia on March 15, 2010 at 12:49 am

    AWESOME ADVICE!! Where have you been all my life? I love it.. But, as many guys with strong values, and good looking that I’ve dated. They all want to keep their options open or come on strong and then litterally tell me they are scared and pull back. I’m scared too. I never really opened up until just recently- funny how long that took. I date guys around my age. I’m 32 and I want a real boyfriend and partner. It’s taken a long time to heal abuse in my child hood but, my heart is open. I just wonder if it will ever happen.

  56.  #56Alicia on March 15, 2010 at 12:50 am

    AWESOME ADVICE!! Where have you been all my life? I love it.. But, as many guys with strong values, and good looking that I’ve dated. They all want to keep their options open or come on strong and then litterally tell me they are scared and pull back. I’m scared too. I never really opened up until just recently- funny how long that took. I date guys around my age. I’m 32 and I want a real boyfriend and partner. It’s taken a long time to heal abuse in my child hood but, my heart is open. I just wonder if it will ever happen.

  57.  #57Lisa on March 29, 2010 at 12:45 am

    Hi Rori

    So I am back again to ask your advice on something that you don’t seem to talk about much – and that is what to do when you have done the circular dating thing – used all the tools and basically found a man that seems to meet all of your needs and aligns with your values and wants what you want – i feel like everything you have told me I have done and it works its incredible. I still have this issue that there is not the chemistry that there was with my toxic ex – I know I don’t want that – it hurt – he didn’t meet my needs – i know with this new man that he does and now I am freaking out because he doesn’t look like I thought my husband would look – eeeekkk am i really that shallow?? does it even matter. he is just so nice and so comfortable – he listens to me – treats me like gold , connects with me on many different levels. I do like to kiss him and we have not had a sex but there is chemistry and he asks me if I am attracted to him because i said that he is not physically like other men I have dated – i have tried to be really honest without being cruel!! and saying well your balding and you have a tummy and skinny legs!!! i mean how open do i need to be ????!!!! I keep being curious and allowing myself to follow my feelings when I am with him – it all works. I am cautious a little bit because I don;’t want him falling for me if I don’t end up wanting to be with him – he wants marriage and children as I do.

    so my question is – when everything works and you get your needs met and still you are not sure – what do i do next?? he wants me to be exclusive and has given me every reason to do that – he is certain of what he wants and how he will treat me, he doesn’t pressure me and totally has accepted the “no girlfriend speech” so what now ? I know it will hurt him if I say that I want to keep dating other men and he has asked about that – i haven’t been on another date in last couple of weeks and he knows that – so what next? I can’t keep him dangling and I don’t want to not date him because he is so lovely but I know my friend that has met him thinks he is a bit dorky and that I could do better looks wise – but like I said to her – how is a hotter guy necessarily going to make a better husband??

    aaagghhh – help – I know its a positive situation to be in I am just not sure how to continue circular dating without hurting him in the process.

  58.  #58LeAnne on April 23, 2010 at 7:45 pm


    I’ve net a man through eharmony 2 months ago. When he first met me, he said he wasn’t looking for anything long term. We have been seeing a lot of each other, and had recently met a few of his friends. I had mentioned something in front of him about him being in my future and he shoot not to do that because he doesn’t know where he will be..he true to make it into a joke and laughed. I told him that was strike two against him. He also said that he didn’t want me to introduce him as my boyfriend even though we aren’t seeing other people.( part of the strike two). Recently he told me that he learned from his last relationship, that it’s hurtful to not call someone his girlfriend when being exclusive.

    My question is am I being an idiot? Are these huge red flags very early on in this relationship? Or is it possible that he really does like me and is changing his ideas about something long term?


  59.  #59Rori Raye on April 24, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    LeAnne, Welcome – and question one – what is a man doing on eharmony who doesn’t want anything long term, and how did he get past the first salvo of questions and emails? – and question 2 is – why did you go out with him a second time after he told you this? We women mess ourselves up when we don’t believe what a man says. “Oh, thank you for telling me, well, then I guess there’s no point in going any further, good luck in your search…” That’s the only answer here. Stop seeing him, you’re wasting your time. Love, Rori

  60.  #60LeAnne on April 24, 2010 at 9:03 pm


    Thank you for your reply. He’s now calling me his girlfriend. I’m not sure if it’s just his way of appeasing me, or maybe he’s changing his mind towards me. He’s not really open about it, but he did say that he tries to focus on substance rather than labels. I do know that he has had two failed marriages and a couple of failed relationships in between, so that makes me a little nervous. Maybe I need to look at myself and see why I would be so willing to tolerate this only after a couple of months.


  61.  #61Tanya on August 29, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    When you are dating other people, do you tell the men that you are dating other people or not?

  62.  #62Rori Raye on August 29, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    Tanya – If he’s brought up “exclusivity” and you’ve agreed…then you talk about it. If he hasn’t – but is “assuming” you’re exclusive – it’s a good idea to talk about it. If you’ve had a handful, or 20 or more dates – it’s still a good idea to let him know from the beginning what yuo are and aren’t looking for “The No Girlfriend speech.” AND – unless you’ve actually AGREED to exclusivity – there’s NO requirement to do so — I would just because I’d want to be as open and honest and straightforward as possible. Love, Rori

  63.  #63ivorystar on October 9, 2010 at 7:48 am


    I do not get something about CD: If there are lots of guys and they and we are meeting our needs, WHY IS IT NOT OK TO INITIATE CONTACT WHEN WE JUST WANT SOMETHING, like, e.g., sex?

    Something that is just for the moment. . . .

    Thanks for ending my confusion,


  64.  #64Girlfriend on October 14, 2010 at 10:02 am

    Hi Rori,
    Big fan- of yours and am now in a committed monogomous relationship 4 months-we are boyfirend/girlfriend with marriage on the table- (I’m still getting divorced after 18 years though) so now I’m scared- I emailed a guy yesterday who was “phone sex” and have started communicating with him today- My boyfriend has kids- and he is retiring- and tells me all of his finances- earning-savings, investments, how much his 2nd ex wife got- etc.
    BACKGROUND: I’m 53 and my ex took everything I have for retirement-and 1/3 of my mom’s money for my inheritance-
    if my boyfriend and I do marry and he dies before me-yes I would get a monthly income from his retirement account- but he told me last night his condo- and or life insurance and I’m not sure what else he would give to his kids from his first marriage- What if he gives all of it to his kids- I just started to cry when he fell asleep- (ok it’s that time of month) I was sooo used by my last husband being such a jerk
    COMMENT- I am concerned with my desire to want to talk to the “phone sex” guy- who makes me feel so incredible- but I’m guessing he’ll never work out- in fact I emailed him after 4 months of no word from him! and am building up to calling my first love- who I’ve known for 35 years but he never committed- either (I didn’t react this way until last night when he talked about his life insurance policy and his condo going to his kids)

    QUESTION: I’m in a “committed exclusive monogomous” boyfriend girlfriend relationship-although no ring no date-
    Am I cheatting ? or is this still considered cyclical dating- ? fantasy dating? or am I just scared of a great relationship- ?

    sorry for the long comment- and thanks Rori-

  65.  #65Rori Raye on October 14, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    Girlfriend – if you’ve committed, then you’ve committed. If you don’t want to be – tell him and go back to dating. Lying or withholding is damaging your relationship – it’s coming through in your “vibe.” Love, Rori

  66.  #66loveindc on October 18, 2010 at 8:53 pm

    I need help! I have been seeing this guy for almost 5 months and I feel like I am stuck with him. He is divorced with 2 kids and travels a lot because his job (that is what he said) he never asked me on a real conversation for a serious relationship with me and I think it is just convenient for both to keep dating. He is very sweet with me, he treats me real nice and sometime I feel like he care a lot about me but I am afraid to fall for him because I don’t know what he wants… He will be gone next march; he will be overseas for 2 years!!! I really don’t know what to do..

  67.  #67Rachie on November 19, 2010 at 8:19 am

    Hi Rori,

    Please help. I feel so stuck. My husband and I have just had our one year wedding anniversary (we were together for 8 years before he proposed!) and we have a 12 week old baby daughter.
    Things have gotten really bad between us – we argue like brother and sister almost. I try and use the tools but sometimes I feel so angry that I revert back to shouting at him in desparation.
    Lately he disagrees with everything I say and criticises me constantly. The most hurtful thing is that he has been booking extra shifts at work on the weekends (he is a doctor) so we hardly have any time together as a family. I end up having to rely on my parents for extra help.
    I have told him how I feel but it seems like it always has to be his way. He never sees my point and I feel like I have no say in what we do as a couple. It’s like I am fading away in the relationship.
    I love all your tools, they give me hope. I wonder if you have any advice for getting through this tough time as a couple and as family. I love him and want to get back to how we were before it’s too late,

    Best Wishes and thankyou, R

  68.  #68Rori Raye on November 19, 2010 at 9:51 am

    Rachie – There are so many things I could say that would help you instantly – for one – back off entirely. Hire help if you need it. Smile, Meditate. Completely Back off asking him for anything. Don’t ASK – you need to cool this down and let the answer out of the relationship – not by screaming – but by simply being OKAY!!! Please – focus on you and the baby. Next – get some coaching. I have referrals – there are specialists in marriage – LIFE COACH – NOT counselor….Love, Rori

  69.  #69Rachie on November 23, 2010 at 8:52 am

    Hi Rori, thankyou so much for your advice.
    I have backed off and I already feel more positive, maybe he can sense the difference – things have been a bit better over the last few days : )! He has been asking me if everything is ok..
    I find it so hard but I am making a conscious effort not to jump in and shout when I feel frustrated – I guess a lot of stuff has built up over time that I’m mad about.
    I used to go out for a massage or have a girls night out to de stress but things are different with a little baby – not that I would change that – I adore her! It just seems more difficult to release my inner siren!!
    Life coaching sounds like it might be worth a look into…thanks again, Love Rachie

  70.  #70Ladynred on February 13, 2011 at 10:49 am

    Long story short, I’m still struggling my way out a 7yr marriage,he no longer lives w/me,but is making it a living hell for me.I have 2baby girls ages 1&3.My marriage pretty much ended about 2yrs ago when he cheated while i was prego.Took me that long to get out,and honeslty,the courage to finally do it came from a friend.I met,well not met per say,I reunited with my hs crush end of last year,needless to say,that changed everything.He too was in an unhappy 6yr long relationship and has a lil girl.They too split up.Since I have seen him total of 3times,he lives about 6hours away.What I love about this is how free and how myself I am around him,we talk for hours and hours into the wee hours of the mornings.We talk our feelings and both have admit to being scared about them,yet,whatever it is we are beginging to feel for each other is just growing daily.I know what i feel,but after beign cheated on constantly,i have to be honest here,i am not sure i believe this guy completely.he seems different,a kindhearted,nice,sweet kid,caring and giving, almost like me.he says things happen for a reason,but how do i know what that reason is?i feel very confused and scared.we initally spoke about taking things slow,since both our expartners are making it very difficult for us.i know it was wrong of us to meet in the first place without taking care of what needed to be taken care of,each with our expartners,but what now?he asked me to be his gf,i accepted,after reading some of your posts, i realized that was a mistake is what confuses me,we are spose to be bf&gf(for some reason that tag does not appeal to me anymore,seems like a kids thing)yet he says things like he knows we are long distance and how i will go out with other men and not tell him about it,same for him,soooo how is that being gf&bf?thought that meant exclusivity?did that change?do bf&gf’s date other people and its ok?i mean,regardles of him or not in the picture,my marriage was coming down to this sooner or later,i admit was sooner because of i trying to hard to make a reason out of all this?am i trying to hard to make it work with this guy because of the whole everything happens for a reason saying?am i making too much of it?can someone be straight out blunt here and give me their opinons and advice?

  71.  #71Ladynred on February 13, 2011 at 11:01 am

    I have been reading more posts,and i am begining to think and feel, that being in a bf and gf relationship with this guy is not the smartest thing to do right now… i mean, i cant say he is the one, and i know he is afraid because of having two past failed marriages, all this has happened way too soon, within couple months… but, contradictory to that, i love the idea of being comitted with him… how is that possible?… i am afraid that if i take it back and go back to dating, he will find someone else… why is this so confusing? i have always believed in what is meant to be, will be… i guess letting go of the bf&gf tag, which im not even clear what it means to him, will be the way to know if this is it or not right?… how do i bring trhat up again? teh bf/gf thing, how do i bring it up to find out what it means to him?… im afraid of talking about a possible serious relationship with him, because we both have said that is not what we want right now, we both have agreed to whatever happens in the future happens, weather its us together, or just us going our separate ways and finding other people…..

  72.  #72Karen on April 14, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I have been circular dating a lot lately and using the modern siren techniques. It has been working. I’ve been getting a lot of attention from men and feel my self esteem lifting especially after the 3 year toxic relationship I spoke to you about that ended in June. My question is this, by date 3 like clockwork, I am just no longer interested. I don’t know if it’s that I haven’t met the right guy, if I’m scared or comparing everyone to my ex but it happens every time. I want this pattern to stop and while your techniques are working to have the men attracted to me..I am not attracted to them!

    This is not just a few but all. I have done many speed dating events..I was not interested. I have had plenty on line coffee dates and wanted to run out. Finally, a few were ok enough for me to give a second or 3rd date to. By the 3rd date I find some reason why I’m not attracted. How do I stay attracted to the good men who are now attracted to
    Thanks so much,

  73.  #73Christine on May 9, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Dear Rori, or anyone who can help. I recently read your e-book twice. I am doing the exercises. My problem is not mentioned in your book. I was in an 18 yr relationship that he ended on Valentines day over the phone. According to your book I did push him into another womans arms. He never cheated but met her last summer and began dating after we broke up. I went 10 weeks without talking to him, finally got the nerve to text him. I went to his house 6 days ago at which time he told me about her. We have been texting ever since. He is only comforting me and tells me there is no chance for us. They have been together for about 2 months. I feel he is commiting to her more evryday. I have shared ALL of my feelings about this and he wont reply while he is with her at night but will talk to me in the morning. He says he still cares for me and doesnt want me hurting and says he will continue to talk to me when he feels like it… He has been very kind for the most part. I know this is my fault. Is there any program available that can help me or have I lost him forever??? Please Please help?????

  74.  #74florence on June 15, 2011 at 5:06 am

    my relationship got broken up 3yrs ago and i find it hard to trust or love a man again. i am still young (35) and the loneliness is getting at me. how do i start a new relationship without rushing or being in a hurry or looking so lost? thank you

  75.  #75florence on June 15, 2011 at 5:09 am

    also how do i build up confidence in myself?

  76.  #76Linn on June 25, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Hi, Rori,
    I am 38. I been married unhappily for 12 years. Divorced. Have child. I have had other partners in my life before marriage and after divorce. My point is. I am affectionate and do want to feel the thrill of love and then I understand I give myself all into the one guy who is my partner for that time. The partner asks for being his girlfriend or being in “official relationship”. We have great sex, he makes plans for a future but then in some time it changes. He withdraws, acting not sure and make me feel they are having other contacts. In the meantime I am axclusive because I feel it is undecent to be in sexual relationship with s.o. and haing dates on the side. But sure when I feel there is no exclusivity from his part, I am starting to change my tactic and searh. The point here is. I do want to be in marriage relationship, I don’t want to have years of cohabitation with my partner or even worse dating. I don’t want to date a man for more than 2 years because I feel that if man wants to marry a woman, if he feels this is his dream woman, he will make proposal very soon. Less than a year period. So, if I would even prefer not to have sex before marriage, I can live with that, but nowadays it is so common and men will be just freaked when I tell them: I won’t have pre-marital sex, they laugh at things like that and of course they look on the side their physical fulfillent. Now, Rori, how should we pursue our goals to get married and be married women, loved married women and not “girlfriends” This term killing me. Are we girls? Are we friends? We are their women, lovers. Perfectly it would be that old times come back in there would be just suitors. Then women were fought for and respected and not manipulated..

  77.  #77Divya sivan on July 1, 2011 at 8:55 pm

    i was in good friendship with a classmate of mine.. at a moment v became the best bro and sis in this world. but wen we both came in to a situation were we cant live without each other, we became lovers with mutual concern. he already have a girl in our class as his buddy sis.. i doubt their relation a lot.. but still believe they are bro and sis.. the reason 4 my doubt is that now he says he cant continue with our relation and he want me back as his sis.. somehow he avoids me also.. i want 2 know the real reason 4 his change. but he is not saying it.. what should i do now ?? tell me..

  78.  #78Chris Morris on July 13, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    Dear Rori,

    My situation is not that complicated. Great man, and have been with him for going on 9 years. He has 3 sons by 2 women. The moms are awful. Really not good mothers, so I stepped in, and he stepped in a lot less than I did for my son. Again, wonderful man. Too sweet, does too much for other people. I don’t like that he’s nice to people who have done him wrong including the mothers of his kids. I met him in 2003, moved in-in 2005 because he got custody of his youngest and I was paying rent where I wasn’t living. His oldest son was a terror! He finally left at 17, the next son got arrested, all the while I was trying to show him that he must put education first, or this is what kids will begin to do. Also, Dwayne was going to college and using refund money to buy stuff and would keep running out of money. I am always trying to have fun, so what do I do? Spend and take up the slack with credit cards. He bought and SUV, computers, TV’s I mean it wasn’t until he asked me to co-sign for the bathroom in his house that I began to feel a problem.

    That was a marital decision, not boyfriend and girlfriend. I brought up, where is my ring? He said I shouldn’t have to ask for it. He said he thought I didn’t want to get married. I said that I was never in a rush, but that someday I wanted that. From there downhill, just like you said, withdrew from the romantic wonderful guy, to cold and I was getting on his nerves! Huh? So now, he’s losing his house and decided he wants to live apart from me. He still wants to see each other, hmmm I have asked questions about how this is gonna go? He said we will still go to family functions together and resume what we did when we didn’t live togehter in the beginning. How do I get him back stronger than ever!

    I am not going to date other men, I have a son and that is not appropriate. I am willing to try all of your other ideas. I want that ring! I want him to lose his mind, and not the other way around! He never calls me to see how I am doing in the day, never asks me to go anywhere, but we get along very well and the connection is still there, I know he loves me, but he does not appreciate me anymore. I want that ring! Again, this is a very good man, he has never strayed, how do I keep it that way, especially living in separate households?

    He is also emotional, and I am not, but yet he’s macho!!!!! So I don’t know who to be?

    I have your book and have tried the feeling speeches, and I must say they work! However, he only calls a little, we text a lot, but dating other men with a 13 year old son, I just cannot do even away from my son. Please give me some steps that I can stick to!

  79.  #79cheryl on July 24, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    Dear Rori,
    I recently had a co-worker text me that he was sorry for be grumpy at work that day. I told him that was ok, and asked if there was anything wrong. He told me that it has been a while since he had a female to talk with about sex, and it was weird. I told him not to let that bother him. However, I am attracted to him, and when I look in his eyes my body goes crazy. We have continued to talk through texting in a sexual way. He knows things about me that no one ever would. I feel very comfortable talking with him, and vis versa. However, he has sent me some interesting photos, and videos : ) But told me the other weekend he was going to see another woman. He came back from out of town and said that he really liked her and that what we had going on had to stop. So i agreed for his sake. But then he went on to continue talking with me for a while more. He had a family scare following this, and I went back to my friendly side and asked if there was anything that I could do to help so that he wouldn’t beat himself up. He declined. We then went back to the sex texting. But at work he watches everything I do, gets upset if another co-worker (female) and I talk. he thinks we are talking about him. He gets bothered when he says “night.” and I continue to talk with him. I don’t know what I am to him. When I leave him alone and don’t talk to him, and I am happy at work, he seems bothered by this. When I am sad, he wants to know whats wrong, or if he did anything. I have had others say in the past that he likes me more than just a friend. But how in the world am I to figure this junk out? I really wouldn’t mind it to be just for fun, but a relationship is o.k. too. I have told him that he needs to date older woman. Myself is who I was talking about. He made the comment to me that he went older and they are more immature than the younger ones. At this point I was very angry and sad that he liked someone else that he had met. Yet he never talks of her, or does he act like he normally did before all this happened. Can you help me to figure out what is going on with him, and what we are, so that I can finally put this to rest????

  80.  #80Linn on July 25, 2011 at 7:09 am

    Well, I was reading about your story and thinking, “this people have some very strong feelings about each other.” Do you need to call it anything? It seems you enjoy him talking to you and showing to you his attention. If you start saying, “oh, now we are in the realtionship”, may be then the energy will go away. It seems, you guys are charged because you have not had actual sex, or am I mistaken? Why does he want to stop this? Does it mean he could not imagine himself, from a practical side, being in a realtionship with you? You have this type of relationship and this is good for now. Do you want to stop it, then decide, if you don’t – let it develop its way..You are not his girlfriend, that is for sure, but you are his lover.

  81.  #81Anna Bell on August 22, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    I have been dating a man since January. Before he and I were intimate, I made it very clear to him that he could be with whomever he wanted, but. .. then he would not be with me. He assured me that I was the only one with whom he wanted to be in this sense. I had always referred to him as the guy I am dating. . . as I feel it is a man’s responsibility to ask a woman to be his girlfriend. The other night he and I were talking and had referred to me as his “girlfriend”. . .automatically, I stated, “I’m not you’re girlfriend (thinking to myself- you had never asked.” Then, I went on to explain that boyfriends are nice- but the term itself is not one with which I am personally comfortable. From my experience, guys come and go and are replaceable. I feel a much more committed feeling to him, so I told him he was my Best Friend- I don’t want him in my life for just today, or tomorrow, but forever. . . it will be interesting to see if he refers to me in the future as his best friend after having this discussion. 🙂

  82.  #82Maria on October 16, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Dear Rori,
    I have been dating this guy for the past two months and basically we are exclusive, but not boyfriend/ girlfriend. We have been friends for four years and we have had our fair share of relationships and are looking for a more stable longterm one. We are both comfortable with each other- even as friends- but now he’s finding it hard to commit as he still hasn’t gotten over his ex who has been dead for eight years. I know he likes me a lot and we can make it work, but it should be together and he is finding it hard to let go. He said he needs time to decide what he wants and do something about it… including breaking up with me if its what he decides. I have been asked by friends and by him why I put up with it and all I can come up with is because I feel that he’s worth it. But, it hurts and its definitely not ease. He says he likes me and is comfortable with me, but cant love me while he feels he’s in love with her. I was wondering if you would be able to give me advice on how I can help rescue this relationship as I am desperate to make it work. I don’t want to lose him.

  83.  #83Linn on October 16, 2011 at 11:57 pm

    it sounds fishy he is still loving his ex who is dead for 8 years!
    You let it go. You don’t have to get involved with anyone else sexually, but say you more comfortable with him being a friend or say you need to reconsider and need more time, just like he is putting you on hold. Don’t be desparate. You Are a woman and you Are a woman who has been his long time friend.

  84.  #84Chris on November 13, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    Okay. You give advice & tips to females, can a male slip in descreatly(however you spell that word) like a fly on the wall and ask you for advice also?
    I’ve been married and haven’t had much luck. So then I went to the internet matchmaking sights where the options to pick and choose are opverwhelming not only for me choosing, but also for the one choosing me who has thousands of others to choose in the process of thinning the ranks for her selection. I don’t do the bar scene and there’s no one at my church to even think about. How do you make the first initial strike softly and gently and catch someone? You’d think after 50 years I’d have a clue wouldn’t you? Do you also critique webpages to catch a glimps of how the beast behind my teeth (my tounge) might be what I’m tripping on? It seems like the more honest and sincere I am, the farther I move away from success. Can you give advice on open heart surgery? As far as what needs to change concerning a better approach or something to make my heart stronger, or something to keep me from wearing my heart on my sleeve so much? While trying to find someone local under 30-40 miles away from where I live at, matchmaking companies are popular and notorious for matching you with someone totally on the opposite end of the United States from your location. And you know how useful and good that is? Help!! please. My heart is dry, chapped and decaying due to mono phobia.

  85.  #85Rori Raye on November 13, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    Chris – I’ll allow you in right now, and let’s see how the community feels. Some men are welcomed, some cause us to feel less open. Regardless – the place for you is at – it’s David DeAngelo – and he’s what you need. Get his newsletters and entry-level program – and there are a few other men who have great help – in fact, let me send you to this hidden “men’s corner” of my friend’s site: (I love that LRR put this section together – if women read it – it helps to know what men are thinking and being taught out there, and how it works on women…) Love, Rori

  86.  #86crystal carnations on December 16, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    I totally love your idea of the girlfriend trap. I took this idea and approached dating this way after I broke up with my ex of 12 years. Now I pretty much had no dating experience only instant boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. I met my ex when I was 17 and ended our relationship when I was 29 so
    Studying the Targeting Mr. Right program and accepting that wanting to be a girlfriend was not in my best interest. What I really wanted was a committed relationship but I trusted this was the right way to go about dating.
    I was CD when I met my fiancee and brought him in to my rotation. On our fourth date he said he wanted me to be his ” baby girl” and didn’t want me dating other guys. We talked about it and what that meant and he told me he didn’t want any other girls. To be honest I did accept to be his girlfriend. Risky I know but he just felt right, all his actions showed me he could DO relationship. Even though I hadn’t been Cd that long I just had a good feeling about it. I ultimately wanted to get married but I just told myself that I wasn’t going to have expectations. Over the course of 5 months it proved to be the right decision. Last October he purposed to me and our wedding date is may 5, 2012. I know my mind said you shouldn’t accept girlfriend status but my heart said do it. I took a risk with my heart but it just felt like this man was worthy of my heart and I could trust him. I feel like the no girlfriend rule is good until a man truely steps up and your heart says you can trust this situation. We didn’t talk about marriage down the line when we decided on exclusively but I could just feel that was what he wanted and after two months he said ” I’m gonna marry you someday” and my trust in myself to stay on my bridge no matter how long this relationship lasted or where it ended up and not to have those expectations when I accepted the girlfriend deal helped my vibe and kept my heart safe.

  87.  #87Anna Bell on December 16, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    I absolutely loved this story! I had been dating a really nice man for almost a year. During this time, he had made it quite clear- through not only his words but his actions- that he was interested in someone, it just wasn’t me. Instead of being upset and begging him to love me (as if that ever works! and in my experience, if he hadn’t figure it out a long time ago, he probably never will), I kept dating him and keeping my options open. He is fun with whom to hang out, etc.
    Anyway, keeping my options open, I was amazed at all the wonderful men I have met. I have become friends with quite a few of them- and as of recent, a man has caught my attention who is above any of my expectations. He and I have gone out a few times, and he is nothing but a gentleman- adoreable, sweet, honest, and sexy. I don’t know where the relationship will go, but he wants to keep seeing me, so we’ll see 🙂

  88.  #88Haiku on December 29, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    I’ve been following the Siren and Targeting Mr Right techniques, been circular dating a lot and have worked to make the interactions with men about me and what I can do to be more open, vulnerable and free, no matter the mens’ responses for over a year… this has been amazing.

    And so, I’ve met and dated a man I admire, respect and who does it for my physically (and visa versa) since September who in the last month fully dove in, and tells me he’s all in, that I have everything he’s looking for and he sees a future as life partners with me. (I’m 39, divorced, and he’s 45 never married and was not desperate to get married) Yes, his open, honest communication is EXACTLY what I believed it would feel like when a man let himself crash his boat on my rock (from Sirens audio). He is amazing and both meets and exceeds what I want and need. I am just scared by how sure he is and how his decision was like a light bulb that went off for him after only four months.

    He asked me about being his girlfriend and I gave him the No Girlfriend speech and it blossomed into a lovely conversation about what dating meant to him and to me, which of course was different for us both and allowed us to talk about those differences. Then, we talked about this recently again. I reiterated I don’t want to be a gf, I wanted to be a wife and low and behold, he comes back and says “then we are on the same path, on the path to life partners because I want that with you.”

    I told him I am scared and overwhelmed by his sudden all-in commitment because I’d never had that before and that I needed more time with him to build a foundation between us (longer than 4 mos). He is accepting of this. He isn’t comfortable with me dating still but is giving me space for this. And I understand I have the option to be exclusive with him (I am sexually exclusive) but to continue CD by flirting and such without actual dates, but is his firm statement that he sees us together and that he wants me for a wife what I’ve been waiting to hear? When is it too soon? He gives me no pressure but I believe if I asked him to set a date for marriage, he would. But I can’t say I am ready to set a date yet (of course because I am scared after being divorced).

    I don’t feel angst, anxiety or pressure, I don’t feel I am over-functioning with him and have been giving back as it feels right and good and is way less than what he gives me (and he’s happy about it). I feel he’s focusing everything on me in a good way and what I want and need because me just being me (siren me! thank you!) is all he needs/wants. It’s not obsessive or possessive. It feels real. And all the vulnerable conversations have been great emotional connectors for us. I guess, my question is, can this be it? Is it that easy with the one once you find him? Because that’s how it feels. Very natural and easy to openly share my feelings without concern or influence by how he reacts to my shared feelings. Did I do it? <3

  89.  #89joyce on April 22, 2012 at 9:04 pm


  90.  #90joyce on April 22, 2012 at 9:29 pm


  91.  #91Rori Raye on April 24, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    joyce – this is going to be harsh and you may not want to read it. Go see some movies, some books so that you see that you are living the cliche of chasing a man who doesn’t want you. Everything he does and says is sexual, not loving. Find some professional help to get some self-esteem and self-respect and start fresh. Love, Rori

  92.  #92Linn on April 24, 2012 at 11:37 pm

    Joyce! Wonderful name you have!
    Sweety, please relax and take your time to be alone for a while and enjoy your solitude. Come close to creator. High spirit will give you strength and wisdom to go further. You are not alone. There are so many women who are getting in the same situation. Did you ever heard of romantic consumerism? We live in an age where money play role whether one be loved and get married with.. Sad but that is true. They chose people to marry to create this financial security they aim. And they are ready to drop all the feelings. He writes you. Rory is write. It’s only sexual. He must respect you and do everything for you if he loves you. YOU will chose now to see if there is a man who does everything FOR YOU and not you for him. You, blossom, deserve to be really loved and not just be wanted for sex. For now, start loving your self. I wish you strength.

  93.  #93Anna Bell on April 25, 2012 at 7:37 am

    I truly enjoy reading these posts. It gives me hope, and makes me feel that I am not alone in my feelings. I am still dating the same man. This weekend it had been my birthday, and he was so good go me (I realize it is one day of the year, but I was so thankful.) He took me out to eat and the theatre. He paid for it and even had gotten me a small gift. But, as he has a tendency to do, still had to taint the evening by (of course) liking a picture of a woman whom he has been chasing- via FB. He doesn’t know that I know of her, and he wouldn’t admit it anyway. He sees nothing wrong with continually seeking out other women’s attention whether it be on FB or through his continual involvement with on-line dating. The most amazing thing is that I have accepted that this is where he is in his life. When God knows I am ready, he will bring into my life a true man of integrity who will value, respect, appreciate, and love me. He has actually done me a favor through his deceitful actions. He has given me permission to keep my heart open and not to place too much importance on him or the direction in which our relationship is going (or not going). I have fond memories of him, but I have come to know I deserve more than memories. I deserve a man who wants to be in my life to continually make new memories- not someone who lives in the past. Thank you, all, who keep posting and keep me going.

  94.  #94Tasha on July 19, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    So if the man is thinking long term and that is what you want, it’s okay to be exclusive and date??? I get this question a lot about being exclusive and yes we are both on the same page about looking for a lifetime partner, but I thought one was supposed to circular date? Is circular dating for a men that are still “feeling you out”?? I dont understand the difference. I feel like whether we are exclusive or not, we are still “feeling each other out” for compatability….isn’t that what all relationships do?

  95.  #95Tasha on July 19, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    89. HAIKU:
    That’s exactly How I feel!!!! How did it turn out!!! I am so worried about the short time span. It’s intimidating.

  96.  #96Rori Raye on July 19, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    Tasha, and all – the only problem we have with a man, and when we need to actually DATE other men – if if the man isn’t doing his job. If he isn’t moving things forward, proving to you what a stellar, loving guy he is. Regardless of whatever you think about his other qualities – what you want is Tom Cruise jumping on a couch over you. Love, Rori

  97.  #97Haiku on July 19, 2012 at 9:39 pm

    Tasha! My man and I are still going strong. I continue to open up and low and behold, he tells me because I risk that with him, he feels he can share with me what scares him and shares his true self, feelings and vulnerabilities with me.

    We are now on month 11 and it’s going strong. We have tackled many tough triggers that arose for both of us but we are committed to talking and feeling through them and are more connected because of it.

    I haven’t pushed him for anything – every move forward has been his idea and suggestion. He has a home that is his solace. He is willing to happily give that up (it is beautiful) to move in with me because of my boys and because of their school. He also recently decided to apply for (and got!) another job that is less stress, more regular scheduled and holidays/weekends off so he can have a better work life balance because he wants that with me and the boys.

    He keeps telling me he’s going to marry me. He’s known for a while. Every friend or family member I’ve met that’s important to him has said he just treats me differently – adoringly – like they’ve never seen him with any woman before.

    He’s crashing his boat big time onto my rock, and loving every big learning curve moment of it. And I am there for him, open and honest, and we just are… easy. Yes, there’s work, but with such a foundation of open communication and respect and trust, it just flows…

    So, I wasn’t sure this would stick, but it’s just gotten more beautiful. He surprised me with a whirl wind date Friday dinner & Cirque du Soleil – Sat AM flying to San Francisco, sharing in his favorite cafe, going to the MOMA because it’s my fave museum, lying in the grass in the park on a spring day, wandering to the City Lights bookstore (I love books and so does he!) then dinner next door. Then whisk back to the airport to be home and snuggled in bed together. Then a yummy breakfast he cooked (he is a great chef and loves doing it!)

    He’s preparing for his job change this week and had some medical issues to attend to, so I’ve gotten to gift him my caring and tenderness for a bit and it doesn’t feel contrived or over-functioning. And I can tell him that even though he needs more of my attentions now to support him, I still need some special words/gestures to feel adored and special.

    And marriage is being timed around my children. He adores them and is honored to be a part of their growing lives. That being said, it just feels right to be married to him sooner rather than later. I don’t need to date for years to know. I just know. So it is possible and something to cherish and believe can and will happen. Or that it’s real if it has. Good luck to you!

  98.  #98Popsicletoes53 on October 29, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    My new male friend and I had a discussion last week about this..we had already discussed how we were not going to renew our subscriptions to the dating site we met on.. my subscription is not up till Feb. not sure when his is up… So there seemed to be an implied exclusivity.. I jumped the gun on that having turned down meeting some men telling them I had met someone with whom I wanted to focus.. I had not really read up on this subject before we discussed it so I did not get to do my “I do not want to be exclusive till I meet the man who wants what I want”… but I was able to ask him if he was considering remarrying eventually. And I was able to tell him that I wanted to remarry. But I became confused on how to tell him that I did not want to be exclusive if he did not know if he wanted to remarry.

    So I am definitely keeping my options open.. just updated a couple of my dating sites profiles with current pictures.. I do not see if he has been on the dating site where me met.. none of my business.. I don’t know if he is checking on me or not… I mainly just answer inquiries since there has not been anyone wanting to get to know me better.

    I am happy to say though that this particular guy is responding perfectly to the tools I am using.. and he has told me he is into me by saying for some reason he is drawn to me.

  99.  #99Lynn on October 30, 2012 at 12:07 am

    Stay in touch here. Would be nice to know how it worked with your ways.

  100.  #100Jackie on November 25, 2012 at 6:20 am

    I have pursased your Make him fall for you book. Also, I have subscribed to all your emails. They are helpfull and insightful, except one thing. Here is my story. I was dateing the love of my life for 4 years. We never lived together but spent every weekend all day together. We worked together Monday-Friday also. Until here recently, our store closed and he was forced to early retirement and I was transferred to another facility, so that left us only seeing each other on weekends. Rori, we had the relationship that everyone wanted. We were both open and honest with each other, we did things for one another. Everything was great. You could see the love we had for each other just by being around us. 5 yrs ago his wife of 25 yrs passed from a heart attack laying in bed next to him and he has always held that against himself that he couldnt do anything about this. I was always trying to get him to open up and confide in me about this, but this is one area that was off limits to him. So I never pushed him to talk about it much. However he did tell just little bits and I was there to listen to him. We were friends and coworkers before we dated and I knew of his wife and seen her on occasions. 3 weeks ago, he came to me and stated he needed space to think, it has been bothering him for sometime now and he just cant get over it. He broke it off with me because of my weight and smoking. In the entire 4 years I have been struggleing with my weight and have tried to quit smokeing on several occassions. He never showed any signs of this coming on until that day. Even the day before was a normal happy to be with each other day. Family and friends were with us that day and even asked when we were getting married. It has been so hard for me to give him his space. 4 days after our breakup he went on a date with another woman and has since been seeing her. He states that he has moved on and I need to do the same. We both dont sleep at night, as he tells me he is still worried about me and misses my daughter so much. This man I believe is my soul mate. I feel so empty with out him. I truely lost my best friend, we had the relationship that you state in your book. He states that noone has ever made him as happy as I did and I fulfilled everything he ever needed. As he did for me. This man is 15 yrs older than me and we both have that connection toward each other that everyone wants. He states she is his age and they have alot in common. What? Since I am the one that has made him truely happy. What can I do to get the love of my life back, my best friend? It has been 3 weeks and I still feel so empty. I have gone out with my friends and tried to keep myself busy , excersing everyday also. Everyone tells me to fight for the one I love. How can I fight for someone who has already moved on? How do I fight to get the love of my life back?

  101.  #101Rori Raye on November 25, 2012 at 8:24 pm

    Jackie – fighting for this man now would work WAY against you! Focus on your physical health – if you’re struggling with weight, it’s time to find someone who can truly help you love yourself the way you are, and get healthier – try Andrea Albright and her husband Jon Benson…

    Quit smoking. That’s all I have to say about that.

    I am very, very firm about learning self-discipline (without it, you can’t do the important Tools nearly as efficiently…) – and with my clients – I ALWAYS start with food – no sugar, no gluten to start, probiotics and vit D, and a regular schedule of Circular Dating opportunities, and if you can’t stop smoking on your own – go to a hypnotherapist, NLP specialist and/or a clinic and be done with it.
    You’re lowering your pool of available men down to a tiny fraction if you smoke.

    Once you put some changes in place – you may be surprised to see this man back in your space. I wish you all the luck and love in the world. Love, Rori

  102.  #102lynn on November 26, 2012 at 12:42 am

    hi girls,
    regarding Jackie. Jackie, I know it’s hard, I know its painfull but who has not felt this way? Dear, we forgetting the fundamentals. Ages old testamets were not made up for nothing. Before a man is married to you, he is not obligated to stay true to you. Even if he is its still not sure. But, we are the blames at the end that we get them too close in our lives, hearts, bodies. And then we get pain when we lose them. Ancient wisdom says not to let attached to anything and anyone in this fragile world. We need to learn to find love in other things. Some of them are more stable and true than the other.

    Jackie, take care of yourself now first. We women take longer to find the new direction but so is better. Thank god you have heart that feels. You will get more clear and you will come to the right circumstances, right people, right decisions. There are much more people who care for you.

  103.  #103lee on December 17, 2012 at 11:12 am

    Hi Rori. This is not so much a comment but a request for some guidance from you. About 5 months ago I started seeing this guy I work with, not so much in the same department,but same company. We weren’t official,but I guess everyone around us could sence the chemistry. It was all fllames and bliss initially! He keeps telling me I put up a mirror infront of him, to face his reality. I don’t probe,ut its not my fault he opens up to me! And that can’t be a bad thing, right? He’s more expressive than he’s ever been, especially since his bad break up. He’s long told me he wasn’t ready for a relaationship,and frankly neither was I,as I am on and off with someone else who I have been with for 3 years,but have since grown apart cause of distance. I never told guy from work about this relationship,as I didn’t think we’d go this far,I’d feel the way I do. I think I have more feelings for him then he does for me, call it a hunch,reading his actions etc. 2 months ago we had a condom problem, I took the morning after but it didn’t quite help! This month I went to the doctor cause I wasn’t ok. I found out I was having a miscarriage. I told him (unwillingly) even told him about a past experience I had since hidden well from myself and the world!! He is officially afraid of even touching,even communicating with me. We spent some time this weekend,but he couldn’t get out of my place fast enough!! And we haave since resolved to staying away from each other. Should I just cut my losses? Give him time,and myself time to heal? Did what happen cause the rift? It feels like too much happened to fast, and I have no clue how to deal with it.

  104.  #104Rori Raye on December 17, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    lee – Please, please get away from this man. Nothing is happening here, and you have a LOT of healing to do for yourself. Love, rori

  105.  #105SL on February 8, 2013 at 8:42 am


    I wish I had read your response to the girlfriend question a few years ago. Since I didn’t, what can I do now to approach the subject. We’ve been dating exclusively for a 3 years and no mention of more. I’m starting to think this is all and that is not satisfactory for me. What do I do?


  106.  #106Rori Raye on February 8, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    SL – Welcome, and your question is complex and requires a huge, long, complex answer. There’s more here than just the “exclusivity’ – because I have no idea of how you’re relating to him, and how and which Tools would help you see if this can go “more”…..

    Here’s my suggestion: Start with the ebook. Really, really work everything in it. See if anything changes in the relationship, if he seems more open and you feel more vulnerable and closer to him. If you see any good stuff and feel any better – invest in the whole catalog of my programs. Immerse yourself in Modern Siren, Love Scripts Reconnect, Commitment Blueprint, Toxic Men, ALL of it. See what happens as you learn to be still, breathe, appreciate, and feel grounded, safe and strong inside. Use Targeting Mr. Right to Circular Date WITHOUT actually dating anyone else, and don’t use the “No Girlriend Speech” until you feel you’ve gone as far as you can go with the Tools in the programs without personal help.

    Then try coaching. There are SO many great coaches out here, I’d recommend myself or Dominique at That will get to your individual issues that may be holding things back.

    I believe you can turn this around quickly…

    If, after really shifting your vibe and your language and your mental patterns, you feel the relationship isn’t going where you want, and he’s not the man to give you what you want – use Targeting Mr. Right for real, and we’ll all help you transition to a better man.

    Love, Rori

    If you still need help

  107.  #107Sharon on March 2, 2013 at 4:56 am

    HI rori,

    I am wondering what you think about the fact that I am finding it difficult and tiring to juggle too many dates with my job and family commitments. I want to date at least three and I am, but if it is too much what else can I do?