How To Prep For Speed Dating

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connect with manHere’s a letter from a client in my group-coaching teleclass – with a great, specific question:

“Rori, I need your help! I booked a speed dating thing for tomorrow night!

I’m totally scared. I have been petrified of using feeling words in public and have been trying…. but I’ve actually been avoiding eye contact with men. I’ve been trying… but have been so scared.

I’m feeling things on so many levels right now… my body is shaking a bit, I feel a heaviness in my chest, and I feel like I won’t know what to talk about with these guys tomorrow…

What should I do to prep for tomorrow? Work on feeling statements scripts? Is there some quick way to prep for this?”

Here’s my answer:

1. You can’t screw up – it’s only practice!

2. Your only job here is to:

Dress up cute – wear soft colors and makeup, do your nails, show up like a girl, and make a deal with yourself to make the evening ABOUT practice. Specifically about:

Looking a man in the eye, Being Present, Listening at Level 2 and Level 3, Leaning Back… (Look in the “glossary of terms” if you don’t yet have my book)

And most important – staying out of your head as much as possible.

3. Prepare by writing down answers to basic questions in Feeling Messages…

…Questions about: what you do for a living…what you do for fun…what food you like….what your dreams are….stuff you can talk about with feeling and passion and fun….

…answers you can SHARE instead of “tell”!!!

This might help you prepare, too, before you walk in the door to the Speed Dating “experience”:

4. Imagine – “What’s the worst that can happen?”

And REALLY imagine it – in detail.

See if you can track your body- follow all the sensations and tensions going around in it – so that you allow yourself to “settle into” and “sink into” whatever feelings come up.

Let your arms hang easily off your shoulders so they relax down, breathe into your belly, unclench your butt muscles….

5. Now – Imagine the BEST-feeling experience there you can come up with…

Track your body in the same way…

The idea here is to find a place of “peacefulness” around ANY possible “outcome” so you can get a bit used to how your inner “systems” might react and just feel more prepared.

The truth is: You’ll live!  You’ll flourish!

Expect to feel “rattled” – hey – it might even be “rattled in a good way.”

Expect to feel “off.”  And perhaps “off” just means “different.”

You can make this up any way you want.

You can prepare yourself for anything, instead of subconsciously preparing yourself for what your subconscious usually expects.

Circular Dating and showing up in the world to “practice” feels all KINDS of ways. Old stuff comes up, your beliefs are challenged, it’s THE UNKNOWN…

It’s like being a baby and standing up and walking for the first time.

6. Then: Go home and write about the experience!

That’s it.

No dates need to come of it. No decent “matches.” No “great connections.”

Not even the experience of a “decent man in the room.”

I’m so proud of you for doing this! BRAVA!

Now just go out there and be AWARE of what’s going on with you….forget about “connecting” with anyone – just focus on being YOU and being present…and that’s what you can do to “prep.”

Love, Rori

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1 Comments

  1.  #1Angel Lady on March 25, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    Hi Rory and all!

    I am not sure how to e-mail Rory directly, so I will post here. I love the post. This week I really have been looking at each interaction I have as “practice” and it allows me to let go of trying to control the outcome.

    I feel frustrated and confused in my interactions with JJ. I operated as in the masculine role often when we dated before and now he has come back around and I am leaning way back and letting go of control in the relationship. It seems to be causing a lot of discomfort on both sides. He doesn’t want to plan time together in advance as he likes to “go with the flow”. I have expressed in feeling messages that it would feel really good to me to plan time together. His answer was he never knows my shchedule, so early this week, I told him 2 nights I would be free if he wanted to make plans. He didn’t follow through with making any plans, so I made other plans. He showed up at my house on 2 nights I didn’t say I was available to hang out later in the evening.

    Now, Friday is here and he wants to hang out and I told him I have other plans and he got angry with me. He literally told me that he feels like he is doing all the chasing and that I never chase him. I told him that I don’t want to chase men because it makes me feel bad.

    I feel like we are struggling for who gets to be the girl in this relationship and it feels weird. I figure if he wants to see me, then he better make some plans with me. And I feel confused what to do when he shows up unannounced at my house without calling. Should I start turning him away? This week, I decided to be an open invitation since the plans I had for the evening were already done and he wasn’t interuppting.

    I feel so confused today. It seems like he can’t “catch” perhaps. He wants me to chase him and gets frustrated that I won’t. This has happened many times in the past. I know he is used to women chasing him… I just won’t do it. I wish he would stop being angry with me about it.

    Argh! I feel frustrated. I feel put off. I feel proud of standing my ground.



  2.  #2kaitlyn on March 25, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    Is grey a soft color? I love grey. Grey dress with camel colored Louboutins.



  3.  #3Alonka on March 25, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    Sounds beautiful Kaitlyn 😉

    I accepted a 7:30 pm date that the guy confirmed at 3:30 and now feel like I’m too easy! Maybe I should cut the date short??



  4.  #4loveiseverywhere on March 25, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    Alonka- I don’t think second guessing yourself at this point is great for you self esteem. You are were you are for a reason.

    Now what do you want to do? How do you feel?

    I think second-guessing is one of the biggest traps leading to being in our heads for women.

    Am I out of line?



  5.  #5Daria on March 25, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    Alonka – that feels really weird! i think it’s great that he confirmed…

    usually confirmation is at least one hour ahead of time… this was 4



  6.  #6Alonka on March 25, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    Loveiseverywhere, Daria,

    Thank you;) Getting back to my senses.



  7.  #7Femininewoman on March 25, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    Se we can ask questions



  8.  #8loveiseverywhere on March 25, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    Does anyone have any thoughts, feels, explanations on using the exact word feel in feeling statements vs. I am statements. Why does it feel more comfortable to say I am hungry, I am sad, I am happy than it is to say I feel? (And why is it “wrong”?)



  9.  #9Femininewoman on March 25, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    Angel Lady I think that is what we unconsciously agree to when we agree to be in a committed relationship or exclusive relationship so it should not be unusual that he turns up unannounced.



  10.  #10Femininewoman on March 25, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    RE 8 loveis Men don’t normally speak about their feelings so you saying “I feel” in my mind is a kind of invitation for them to open their heart and start sharing their feelings. It is also an indication to them that we are willing to share our humanity with them so they can feel comfortable sharing theirs. Plus their response will also gives you an idea of how they will handle your emotions.



  11.  #11Daria on March 25, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    Loveiseverywhere – ” I feel” connects us to our feeling state which is naturally VULNERABLE

    thus it feels more vulnerable to say “I feel” than “i am”

    and that’s what we want… to be brave enough to “take it there” to the vulnerable state



  12.  #12Femininewoman on March 25, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    kaitlyn I have heard coaches suggest that we wear colors that appeal to the subconscious; colors like baby blue, pink and lavender. Apparently they create a kind of comforting effect, feminine effect. I get a lot of reaction from men when I wear pink to work. Red is also another color that signals passion and amps up your attraction factor. It causes heads to turn and get you attention if you are alone in a bar for instance. I have never experienced any coach saying anything about grey but I am sure it can be dressed up with the other colors.



  13.  #13tinque on March 25, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    May I add my take on the feel word. As far as I know it’s a tool for women to get in touch with their own feelings, a tool to get them out of their heads and into their bodies.

    Being in your body acts as an invitation to a man. He feels safer with you. It makes him want to be with you and around you. He feels that he can access you when your hear is open, and using “I feel” helps with this process.

    Men will still tend not to share their feelings. Most men just are not wired that way, and it’s not necessarily a good thing for them to do so.

    Men tend to be the doers and women the feelers. Not to say men don’t feel, and women don’t do. I’m talking the overall dynamic in a relationship.

    Most men will probably never share as we do. They let us know in other, usually more subtle ways how they feel.

    xxoo



  14.  #14Angel Lady on March 25, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    Femininewoman – thank you for replying. I feel acknowledged. 🙂 Maybe it’s because we split up for a few months and we are just a week back into dating that I feel weird. there has been no talk of exclusivity and I am dating others. Nothing is defined at this point and this time around, until marriage is offered, I am not going to fully commit. we haven’t spoken on this yet.

    I will continue to be an invitation when he shows up and appreciate your viewpoint. 🙂

    I feel amused at myself for how I still analyze so much. Let go Let go Let go. My mantra right now.



  15.  #15loveiseverywhere on March 25, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    Daria- That makes sense. I don’t like it yet… but it makes sense. I guess I have to stop insisting that vulnerable feel like something else… like invulnerable. lol



  16.  #16Angel Lady on March 25, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Some men share feelings in this way stating “I Feel”. I am dating one that does and it feels ackward for him to do that so much. It’s almost like there is no room for my feeling statements. I find it a challenge because we are both so into feeling, noone is rowing. I find myself laughing about it more now that I can “see it” since finding these programs.



  17.  #17loveiseverywhere on March 25, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    thanks- Tinque 🙂



  18.  #18loveiseverywhere on March 25, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    I feel surprised to realize that I don’t have a ready vocabulary of feeling words… working on that now. 🙂



  19.  #19Femininewoman on March 25, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    I am wondering if going back into the masculine could jar the relationship backward if you were willing. It might cause him to disappear and then if he comes back you could start on a new slate and verbalize a wish to be the girl and him be the masculine. He might need help seeing what that looks like. I am also wondering if your being in the masculine early on might have emasculated him and he went into feminine unconsciously. Just my thoughts



  20.  #20Femininewoman on March 25, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    tinque sorry about the accident but thanks for sharing that experience. It was really eye opening and I really saw in it your ability for coming from a place of compassion for men.



  21.  #21loveiseverywhere on March 25, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    I feel impatient waiting for my last meeting of the day. I feel anxious about making a decision about moving.
    I feel dizzy.



  22.  #22Femininewoman on March 25, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    I feel passionate
    I feel shaky
    I feel exasperated
    excited, numb, amused, moved, tenderness, surprised, confused accepted, concerned, relieved, spired, at ease

    to name a few feeling states



  23.  #23Angel Lady on March 25, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    Loveiseverywhere – I am noticing the same thing going on with me. I am going to get a thesaraus or something. 🙂 I have a few feelings I can’t identify with words going on now. It’s weird. just feels big and like i am grasping… out of control type feelings… can’t quite name it though.



  24.  #24Femininewoman on March 25, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    By the way when I started I felt frustration around the fact that consciously feeling my feelings and expressing them seemed like a chore because it seemed it was not natural to me. I still struggle.



  25.  #25Femininewoman on March 25, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    Somebody gave a Non-Violent Communication website some time ago that I downloaded some from. Will try to find the post and resend it.



  26.  #26loveiseverywhere on March 25, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    Feminine woman… I feel thankful for your presence on this forum. 🙂



  27.  #27loveiseverywhere on March 25, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    Angel Lady- I pulled this off the internet… just as a tool to have at my disposal. Maybe it will prove helpful for you as well! 🙂

    http://www.wwme.org/feeling-words.html

    BTW: I feel grateful for your empathy. Thanks!



  28.  #28Angel Lady on March 25, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    FemWom – You are spot on actually and the slate clean starting fresh is where we are right now.. a week in and I feel the akwardness of it all going on. I have expressed just what you said with feeling messages and it doesn’t seem to be catching on as of yet which is where our frustration and uncomfortable feelings are coming from on both sides i am sure. I am doing my best to keep the big picture in mind and trust myself and believe in him at the same time. I think this role reversal may take some time, and I can practice some patience. He will either step up or not, and I will CD and focus on me. I can feel that he wants me to run things and chase him. He even said that. I just don’t want that anymore. It’s what we are both used to, but it can shift.

    Your comments are appreciated.



  29.  #29Lucy on March 25, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    Hi Angel Lady. I would go with whatever feels best in the moment when he shows up announced. If you’re happy to see him and feel like hanging out, go for it. If you feel annoyed, have other plans, or want to be alone, tell him so and do what you want. Some Sirens don’t feel good with spontaneous get-togethers at all, but I sometimes enjoy them. <3 Lucy



  30.  #30Angel Lady on March 25, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    thank you for the website! I feel grateful for the support and freedom to express in this forumn.



  31.  #31Angel Lady on March 25, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    Lucy – just the idea of being that way feels good and I am working on that. it feels scary at times, but good too.

    I am feeling terrified letting go of the “reigns” so to speak. I am noticing that it is where those big unnamable feelings are coming from. Letting go of controlling outcomes. MAN! It’s crazy. But I also feel it allowing more softeness.

    no more cactus for this girl!!



  32.  #32Lucy on March 25, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    SLV, I love your labor example on the other thread. Relationships cannot work without some basic reasonable expectations.



  33.  #33Lucy on March 25, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    Kaitlyn/LG, sometimes the way we “let ourselves down” is by accepting poor treatment from men.



  34.  #34Lucy on March 25, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    Kaitlyn, I also agree w what you said about response to crisis not being a gender thing. My dad for one woulda been all over an attack or car crash – questions, concern, comfort, assistance, prayer, follow-up medically and/or with police etc. My older sister on the other hand woulda been “no big deal, I’ve been thru worse.”



  35.  #35Senior Lady Vibe on March 25, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    Hello world, the speed dating posters have moved to a new thread…
    😀

    I am thankful for all.

    xoxo
    SLV



  36.  #36T-Girl on March 25, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    Just a quick update: GiddyAsASchoolBoy has apologized profusely that he didn’t call or at least text, got stuck with tax man, didn’t leave until after 9 p.m., and was preoccupied because he found out he owes quite a bit to the IRS. I am giving him one more chance. I feel something there…we have been communicating for about a month now and I’m not ready to write him off yet. He is making it up to me by taking me out for a nice dinner.



  37.  #37Jacqueline on March 25, 2011 at 5:31 pm

    Center for non violent communications list of feelings…
    AFFECTIONATE
    compassionate
    friendly
    loving
    open hearted
    sympathetic
    tender
    warm

    ENGAGED
    absorbed
    alert
    curious
    engrossed
    enchanted
    entranced
    fascinated
    interested
    intrigued
    involved
    spellbound
    stimulated

    HOPEFUL
    expectant
    encouraged
    optimistic
    CONFIDENT
    empowered
    open
    proud
    safe
    secure

    EXCITED
    amazed
    animated
    ardent
    aroused
    astonished
    dazzled
    eager
    energetic
    enthusiastic
    giddy
    invigorated
    lively
    passionate
    surprised
    vibrant
    GRATEFUL
    appreciative
    moved
    thankful
    touched

    INSPIRED
    amazed
    awed
    wonder

    JOYFUL
    amused
    delighted
    glad
    happy
    jubilant
    pleased
    tickled

    EXHILARATED
    blissful
    ecstatic
    elated
    enthralled
    exuberant
    radiant
    rapturous
    thrilled
    PEACEFUL
    calm
    clear headed
    comfortable
    centered
    content
    equanimous
    fulfilled
    mellow
    quiet
    relaxed
    relieved
    satisfied
    serene
    still
    tranquil
    trusting

    REFRESHED
    enlivened
    rejuvenated
    renewed
    rested
    restored
    revived

    Feelings when your needs are not satisfied
    AFRAID
    apprehensive
    dread
    foreboding
    frightened
    mistrustful
    panicked
    petrified
    scared
    suspicious
    terrified
    wary
    worried

    ANNOYED
    aggravated
    dismayed
    disgruntled
    displeased
    exasperated
    frustrated
    impatient
    irritated
    irked

    ANGRY
    enraged
    furious
    incensed
    indignant
    irate
    livid
    outraged
    resentful

    AVERSION
    animosity
    appalled
    contempt
    disgusted
    dislike
    hate
    horrified
    hostile
    repulsed

    CONFUSED
    ambivalent
    baffled
    bewildered
    dazed
    hesitant
    lost
    mystified
    perplexed
    puzzled
    torn

    DISCONNECTED
    alienated
    aloof
    apathetic
    bored
    cold
    detached
    distant
    distracted
    indifferent
    numb
    removed
    uninterested
    withdrawn

    DISQUIET
    agitated
    alarmed
    discombobulated
    disconcerted
    disturbed
    perturbed
    rattled
    restless
    shocked
    startled
    surprised
    troubled
    turbulent
    turmoil
    uncomfortable
    uneasy
    unnerved
    unsettled
    upset

    EMBARRASSED
    ashamed
    chagrined
    flustered
    guilty
    mortified
    self-conscious

    FATIGUE
    beat
    burnt out
    depleted
    exhausted
    lethargic
    listless
    sleepy
    tired
    weary
    worn out

    PAIN
    agony
    anguished
    bereaved
    devastated
    grief
    heartbroken
    hurt
    lonely
    miserable
    regretful
    remorseful

    SAD
    depressed
    dejected
    despair
    despondent
    disappointed
    discouraged
    disheartened
    forlorn
    gloomy
    heavy hearted
    hopeless
    melancholy
    unhappy
    wretched
    TENSE
    anxious
    cranky
    distressed
    distraught
    edgy
    fidgety
    frazzled
    irritable
    jittery
    nervous
    overwhelmed
    restless
    stressed out

    VULNERABLE
    fragile
    guarded
    helpless
    insecure
    leery
    reserved
    sensitive
    shaky

    YEARNING
    envious
    jealous
    longing
    nostalgic
    pining
    wistful



  38.  #38Jacqueline on March 25, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    and needs….

    CONNECTION
    acceptance
    affection
    appreciation
    belonging
    cooperation
    communication
    closeness
    community
    companionship
    compassion
    consideration
    consistency
    empathy
    inclusion
    intimacy
    love
    mutuality
    nurturing
    respect/self-respect

    CONNECTION continued
    safety
    security
    stability
    support
    to know and be known
    to see and be seen
    to understand and
    be understood
    trust
    warmth

    PHYSICAL WELL-BEING
    air
    food
    movement/exercise
    rest/sleep
    sexual expression
    safety
    shelter
    touch
    water

    HONESTY
    authenticity
    integrity
    presence

    PLAY
    joy
    humor

    PEACE
    beauty
    communion
    ease
    equality
    harmony
    inspiration
    order

    AUTONOMY
    choice
    freedom
    independence
    space
    spontaneity
    MEANING
    awareness
    celebration of life
    challenge
    clarity
    competence
    consciousness
    contribution
    creativity
    discovery
    efficacy
    effectiveness
    growth
    hope
    learning
    mourning
    participation
    purpose
    self-expression
    stimulation
    to matter
    understanding



  39.  #39loveiseverywhere on March 25, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    Jaqueline: Thanks for that!



  40.  #40Jacqueline on March 25, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    Hello, world and sirens!!

    Tinque I am wondering something now – and it feels scary to ask as you are on a pedestal here to me….but you know I admire you and it’s a genuine question, lol, and you know my curiousity self!

    So…If – actually I did once – I rolled my car – the men who stopped at the top of the freeway where I ended up at were so comforting….I got to the home of the current boyfriend and could not speak I was just sobbing hysterically….had to take a valium…

    and everyone expected it of me. How can your main squeeze think you are “ok” and it’s okay with you?

    I love your no expectation mantra, but I also think that it might be the opposite of what I had to work so hard to find –

    the ability to ask for what I want and need. Especially need. Having grown up in a home where no one was willing to meet my needs I just shut it up really quick – and thereafter had a boyfriend who would literally holler at me what do you want??? tell me….because I could.not. say….

    I now just really put it out there exactly as I want – like, I would’ve said to Dorothea’s guy: Hey, I do not feel loved, supported or taken care of here. And that’s what I’ve got you for – so man up….
    or some version of that.

    Same as if I rolled my car – just helping me in the shower would not be enough – you’d better be ready for a few vulnerable and shaky days from me, and me being emotional, etc. (well, or just medicate me ha)

    I know you are totally in love – but I hear these stories where there are no presents, where he’s a “man” so he’s not expected to feel or speak feelings….where he’s let off the hook if he judges you to be okay without asking YOU…no presents, flowers…just stuff you’ve mentioned you are okay without.

    and to me it sounds like it’s a great way to never get what you want, or to just quit wanting anything.

    So my curiousity is how does that work? and what’s better about it?

    Is it better than just learning to ask for what I want?

    and it’s a really ages old conversation I have with my BFF all the time –

    two ways to be happy – get what you want, or don’t want anything.

    I usually choose door number 1, and she goes with door number 2.

    Interesting conversation for me, and I hope you’ll explore it further when you have time.

    Hugs and hope your new home – and guy! – is making you happy happy!!

    J



  41.  #41Jacqueline on March 25, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    Loveiseverywhere/loveisallthatis…

    you’re welcome!! although the self expression through self stimulation play on words there at the end…is making me laugh out loud!

    haha!



  42.  #42tinque on March 25, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    Wow Jacqueline, I feel blown away by the kind words and not so much confused by the questions, but unsure how to respond.

    I will try to explain. K is really good and forthcoming about the gifts and acknowledging important events, birthdays, Christmas, anniversary, Valentine’s Day, but this only came about consistently when I released my expectations around those days.

    So I don’t get crumbs by any means.

    As for the accident, it’s not that he ignored me or didn’t take care of me, he didn’t make a big deal out of it. He stayed calm and collected which to some might appear as not caring.

    Being hysterical as a form of concern like my ex was does me the injured one no good at all. Getting upset with the person who sold me bad tires doesn’t help me feel better. Turning into a basket case doesn’t help me. Smothering me with whatever doesn’t help me.

    K has his own way of showing he cares. Later when he would relate the story to others is when I discovered the depth of his concern. And he knew I was in pain, so he responded by touching me gingerly.

    Just because he wasn’t all over me since I really was okay doesn’t mean it didn’t cause him to hesitate, think about things.

    Does this help?

    xxoo



  43.  #43tinque on March 25, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    I get what I want by not expecting. I get more than I want by not having an agenda.

    xxoo



  44.  #44Jacqueline on March 25, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Hey, Tinique – I get that he is a great man! but I don’t get how you’re letting go of any and all expectations got him or let him be that way. And yeah, my ex would add drama to enough already drama, so I’m with you there.

    I think it’s the man you are with, or something you did to call forth the responses….took the pressure off in some way?

    which would allow some men to walk all over you.

    So, maybe it’s a matter of what criteria you, and us all, do our chosing by?

    Like when I was 14 and told my mother I was going to do what the heck I pleased and if she wanted to look like she was controlling me she’d just agree with me…lol…

    but my point was valid – IF she hadn’t raised a genuinely good hearted, kind and honest person by then – she wasn’t going to change it at that point.

    So, he was this guy who was going to turn out, and you just allowed him to open.

    Maybe, that’s as close as I can get to understanding it.

    But, if he were a different sort of guy – would you just not pick him or would you change yourself or would you expect, no I know you wouldn’t expect….how would you get him to change?

    And hey, don’t want to take up your whole Friday nite, lol – just thinking about different paths to get to a common goal. The goal where we are cherished and held and our needs are important to us and to another….

    and we’re still all grown up about taking care of ourselves, smile.

    Thank you and take care!



  45.  #45Dorothea on March 25, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    I just hugged me, and said “sorry you were attacked. everything’s ok now”

    i feel sad that no one else has.

    especially my man.



  46.  #46Jacqueline on March 25, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    Dorothea, I am hugging you – every since it happened!! I am also deep in thought about what it would take for you to get that hug from a warm and caring man….



  47.  #47Jacqueline on March 25, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    and very sorry it happened!

    do you think that if you’d clearly said I just got attacked, My Go*, and I need help and I’m scared and I would expect my man to make this better! –

    it would have changed anything? or this is just not the guy?

    cuz if he then said, well, you had to…blah blah…

    I’d wanna hit him in the head with a boot or a pipe.

    But I am sorry it happened to you and I’d expect to feel traumatized for a while…and I know you’ll be fine, but hope you will just do a really really good job of taking care of yourself for yourself for awhile.

    Jacqueline



  48.  #48Dorothea on March 25, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    maybe, i went into the call thinking “he’s not gonna be there for me”. I actually took a moment to decide if i should call him and then thought OF COURSE! he is my man!

    imagine how he’d have felt learning later that i went through this thing, and i called some other man to help me.

    when i called him he started trying to get off the phone and i said “i wish you were here with me right now”
    and it all went downhill from there.



  49.  #49Jacqueline on March 25, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    once this guy asked me to dinner and there would be another couple so I said okay…and I get in the car, other couple in back and he drives an hour away saying he wants to smoke pot first and I’m really nervous and the girl shows a little 22 gun in backseat and they’re all drunk…and we get to the house and he smokes and goes crazy and pulls his own guy and starts shooting into the walls…and his friend is cowering at his feet and he takes the girl’s gun…and they kind of calm down and I’m screaming at his roommate to do something and the guy just shrugs and goes into his room….and so we go outside to get a taxi and she takes off running so I follow her through all these backyards – and I hit a clothesline and give myself a nosebleed…. and a pack of wild dogs come up and I’m so pissed I yell at them and they fall back and no one will answer their door…and finally a lady does but her husband’s just come home and she hides us in the bedroom until he eats his dinner and then lets us use the phone ….and the police finally comes and the girl wants to get her gun back and they take her over there and the guy says she’s the one who started it all…and I’m STILL holding it together…

    and finally my (guy – most sucessful roommate ever) shows up with his girlfriend and I freaking fall apart…blubbering..can’t stop.

    And I remember all that so clearly, but I was in my early 20’s too…and I can’t remember being traumatized that badly by it….

    my roommate was a great guy and he married that girl…but if he’d of been my boyfriend, I’d of had lots of expectations of him. As it was I was just really glad he put up with my sh*t and came and got me!

    Expectations do make a world of difference….



  50.  #50Jacqueline on March 25, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    Dorothea – this guy does not sound like the one – he makes me mad! …..and I hope you do find the one!!! and feel better.

    J



  51.  #51Dorothea on March 25, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    I’m almost willing to put aside my dismay for my man to get a comforting hug. but he wasn’t giving it to me before. i feel cheap and easy:(



  52.  #52tinque on March 25, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    “So, he was this guy who was going to turn out, and you just allowed him to open.”

    Yes this is really close to it. I wouldn’t have picked a guy who would have walked all over me or at least have beaten a retreat quickly.

    Not totally true, I did allow this for a long time in a past life.

    Also there are ways to making your desires known without hitting them over the head with it or make them feel like they had better or else.

    I certainly wouldn’t want to be given to in this way. It wouldn’t feel genuine.

    When he does something you really like, you say so; you let him know how good he done.

    Or you can say, “I love…..” and let him figure out the rest. It may not happen for months or years, but it will if he’s the kind of man most of here would want.

    Or, “It would feel so good to……” and so on.

    Over time they will come to know what it is that would put a smile on your face.

    xxoo



  53.  #53Lucy on March 25, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    Anyone in a remotely healthy relationship has expectations, even if it’s just the expectation that the other person won’t poison your food, or will come home at night instead of staying with another lover, or will pay the rent as agreed, etc. Otherwise it is an unhealthy and harmful relationship.



  54.  #54tinque on March 25, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    The thing is Lucy if you’re with the right person, there no need for these expectations. It just is.

    xxoo



  55.  #55Lucy on March 25, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    Input desired: Sometimes I don’t know how to respond to fb college guy’s texts. Like today he texted and asked how i’m feeling so i responded then he responded to that and said stuff about his evening plans but no questions or anything. So i didn’t respond at all. couldn’t think of anything to say. I woulda liked to keep interacting but didn’t want to lead the convo. I feel kinda sad about it. Do I just leave it to him to figure out?



  56.  #56Lucy on March 25, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    Tinque, yes, with the right person the expectations are consistently fulfilled. That’s kinda my point. If you can’t count on the person for your basic relationship needs, then it’s not the right person for you.



  57.  #57Dorothea on March 25, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    lucy, yeah you just leave it to him. doesnt mean you can’t respond though. can always say “cool” lol



  58.  #58Lucy on March 25, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    Thx Dorothea. lol. I couldn’t even muster an authentic “cool” this time. Maybe I coulda written “yawn.” lol.



  59.  #59Lucy on March 25, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    Dorothea, how are you feeling about your situation tonight?



  60.  #60Dorothea on March 25, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    I feel fine right now:) thanks 4 asking!



  61.  #61Alonka on March 25, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    Lucy,

    It sounds like you don’t really need to reply. If you don’t, your conversation won’t stop, you will just be ‘building up mystery’. That’s how it looks from the outside anyway.



  62.  #62Alonka on March 25, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    I’m back from my date… The guy was actually nice and not full of himself. he tends to talk a lot, but I felt it’s because he was a bit nervous and tried to impress me.

    I was 10 mins late (almost never before) and didn’t apologize (never before).

    he said that his last long-term relationship lasted 6 years (yay, not 2 months!) We first talked like for an hour over a glass of wine and then I felt that I was about to fall from the chair from being exhausted, so I said: I feel so hungry, food smells great here and I haven’t eaten from 1pm! He did leave menus at the table before, so he gave me a menu immediately and made sure I ordered enough food.

    I don’t know if I can really fall for him, but he made me feel comfortable and I felt that he liked me.



  63.  #63Dorothea on March 25, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    i am feeling scared that as i take my time to decide whether i want my man, my man is doing the same right now for me:(

    eep



  64.  #64Dorothea on March 25, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    i’ve always been the type of girl who wants things fixed immediately when i feel bad. i try to get the guy to fix it or i try to fix it, and if not end the relationship. i never really learned that people can fight or disagree and still stay together, starting with my parents toward each other and then towards me. in my last relationship, i got dumped every time things went bad.

    i’m surprised i didn’t call that night and leave him a message that night to lose my number and have a nice life. it’s a personal miracle that i didn’t

    i feel so grateful to be trying something different even if it’s not perfect.



  65.  #65Lucy on March 25, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    Aw, Dorothea, that Would feel kinda scary. 🙁 If you are meant to be together it will work out.



  66.  #66Laughing Goddess on March 25, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    33: Lucy says:

    Kaitlyn/LG, sometimes the way we “let ourselves down” is by accepting poor treatment from men.

    Friday, 25 March 2011 @ 3:55pm

    Ummmm, I don’t know how to respond. To be honest I feel an argumentative vibe here tonight. Maybe it’s just me. Either way, I don’t really want to participate. I feel tired of defending myself. All I know is what works for me.

    I feel happy tonight. The electricity just came back on, I’m sitting next to a warm fire with my sweetie and pup next to me. I feel excited for spring. My belly is full and I’m having fun organizing my lectures and talks on the computer.

    I’ll be back some other time.

    Good night all.



  67.  #67Lucy on March 25, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    Alonka, thanks for your input. I guess I don’t want him to feel discouraged from texting me. Also I am bored tonight (recovering from surgery and can’t do much) so I wish we coulda kept the convo going. You did great on your date! Yay!



  68.  #68Alonka on March 25, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    Dorothea,

    May I ask you this.. when you did leave them a message saying to erase your number and have a nice life – didn’t they run after you instead?



  69.  #69Alonka on March 25, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Lucy,

    Hope you feel better soon! He probably misses you right now 😉

    What if you answered and that would have been the last communication for tonight – doubt you’d feel better.

    Perhaps there’s something fun on TV? it helps (me at least) to get involved in a diff story for an hour or two and forget about my own stuff.



  70.  #70Lucy on March 25, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    LG, I feel weird and sad reading about an “argumentative vibe.” I feel confused and sad reading about defending yourself. I feel weird bc it seems like I am being made wrong for expressing my thoughts. It feels weird to hear this being called argumentative.



  71.  #71Dorothea on March 25, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    Alonka,
    Sometimes. Sometimes not. well most of the time, yes. but it’s something i am trying not to say unless i’ve thought about it. every time i say it, it’s a snap decision.



  72.  #72Lucy on March 25, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    Alonka, I can’t find anything good on TV so that’s part of the problem. But guess what? He just texted me! 🙂



  73.  #73Dorothea on March 25, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    muahaha yes he did, lucy. of course:)



  74.  #74Senior Lady Vibe on March 25, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    @67: Laughing Goddess
    “… I’m sitting next to a warm fire with my sweetie and pup next to me. ..”

    Aha! Just popped on for a sec and what do I spy.. a “sweetie!” Love ’em! LOL 😆

    Hugs. Oops… 😳 looks like I missed them… pup and all…

    xoxo
    SLV



  75.  #75Senior Lady Vibe on March 25, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    @68: Lucy

    How are you feeling, after surgery and everything? We haven’t talked. You seemed so bouncy, I missed the surgery…

    Going to bed now.

    xoxo
    SLV



  76.  #76Lucy on March 25, 2011 at 9:04 pm

    I guess, LG, I feel confused bc I didn’t realize there was something you were defending. I don’t know what it is. 🙁



  77.  #77Senior Lady Vibe on March 25, 2011 at 9:04 pm

    @71: Lucy

    Not sure what the argument is. Is it about expectations? Well, I have some…but it’s OK with me if others have different ones or even none. I know what I want… so I might as well look for that.

    xoxo
    SLV



  78.  #78Senior Lady Vibe on March 25, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    @Dorothea
    It will all work out in the end… Take care of yourself.

    @Alonka
    Glad your date was nice. You are having a feast of CDs right now. Wow!

    Happy weekend everyone. Reading a bit then to bed. Maybe Steve Harvey will add a some zest; his little book looks perky.

    xoxo
    SLV



  79.  #79Lucy on March 25, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    Hi SLV. I didn’t perceive the discussion about expectations as an argument. 🙁 I thought it was a beneficial discussion and I appreciated everyone’s input, including yours. I am feeling better tonight – my tummy felt yucky earlier. I am recovering well I think. Not much pain. Thank you for asking. <3



  80.  #80LD on March 25, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    Summerbaby,

    I wish I could take credit for the quote, but it was from Marilyn Monroe. Here is the whole quote, I just use the last line as a mantra:

    “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”



  81.  #81Lucy on March 25, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    Meant to say thank you to Sirens who gave me feedback about date/reunion with fb college guy. Shannon, yes I would definitely spend time with him again if he asked.



  82.  #82Renee J on March 25, 2011 at 11:09 pm

    I have a male friend who said about a much younger woman he had a date with, that he would rather spend a night with her than any celebrity. What does this mean-that he’s falling in love?



  83.  #83Denise on March 25, 2011 at 11:35 pm

    Would love some feed back this is my first time to post but follow you all regularly. History (short version) 3 mtgs ago I reconnected with an old flame firm thirty years ago (have always had this (imaginary belef) that he was / is the love of my life. I was married to another after him for 18 yes and divorced about two yes ago ( my husband cheated and we had been unhappily married fir several yes) anyway started dating old flame knew he was seeing a couple of other he says with no sex. Have been following Roris advice to the letter. I NEVER call or text unless it in reply (he texts or calls at least 2 times every day). I lean back, open my heart and have honestly not had expectations or an agenda (wow does that not fee great!!) we started having sex after 4-5 dares and I really have been a rock star on that and AM ok regardless of the outcome because I am enjoying him so much that whatever happens next is ok. We have fret tine tigethr have had no conflicts. So here is issue after three months I know he still seeing the two other women it is obvious from their Facebook posts on his wall at first I was ok with that at first as we had just started dating. We have no relationship and he has made no commitment of any kind to me, while he often talks about our future together. I never get in his business or ask questions that are about his business. I use feeling messages eith him and he is mesmerized by them ( they have all been positive as we have had no reason for conflict ) now after three months I feel that if he is still seeing two other and we have had time to get to know each other I am no longer willing to tolerate how that makes me feel. So I am planning the following speech and would love your input.

    I feel sad. I don’t want to date you when you still want to see other women. After 3 months now that no longer feels okay to me. As great as it feels to be with you, I want and deserve someone who is into me more than that. What do you think? 



  84.  #84Brenda on March 25, 2011 at 11:42 pm

    LD,

    RE: #81 – “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

    I really like this quote from Marilyn Monroe!! It fits me well! LOL! I shared it with both Kenny and Ryan.



  85.  #85Brenda on March 26, 2011 at 12:01 am

    Denise,

    RE: #84 – Welcome! When I read your feeling message, I get the feeling you are ending the relationship without even giving him a chance to discuss it or change it. Let me tweak your feeling message:

    I really enjoy the time we spend together, and I feel so good with you. Lately there is something that has been bothering me, and I don’t want to feel bad with you. Nor do I want to keep this bottled up inside me. Would now be a good time to talk about it?

    (Pause)

    If he is open, then say, “I feel sad seeing other women on your facebook. We’ve been seeing each other 3 months now, and that no longer feels okay to me. I feel second class thinking of not being the only lady in your life, and I don’t want to feel that way with you. What do you think?

    If he apologizes and assures you that they don’t mean what you do to him, etc, then you can go from there, and the relationship will be closer than ever.

    If it sounds like he is closed to changing his dating other women, you could go with this last part you said:

    “As great as it feels to be with you, I want and deserve someone who is into me more than that. What do you think?”

    And what do YOU think?



  86.  #86Denise on March 26, 2011 at 12:13 am

    Brenda. Thank you so much. I love the way you put it. I don’t want to end it and you are right I was making it sound like I do. Appreciate your brilliant input. You are a goddess in my book!



  87.  #87Alicia on March 26, 2011 at 1:25 am

    Just checkin in..

    I missed everyone. I have a new job! yay.. Feels soooooooo so good to be busy and talking with people all day. Plus I’m on my feet. I feel more energetic.

    Just flowing with the transition.. quite and peaceful is like my new normal. I luv it. I still want my happily ever after.. but, one step at a time. This stage I’m in feels way healthy, and my esteem is in a good place thanks to the counseling.

    I miss my buddy Josh but, I haved moved thru the anger and sadness feelings phase, A part of me just feels like he moved. (to heaven) I can accept it.
    I like the words “passed on” so much better then “died”. Which sounds so numb..

    I can only imagine heaven to be quite lively! 🙂

    Anyway,

    I like the article aside from the feelings and checking your bodies feelings my favorite part was..

    Then: Go home and write about the experience!

    That’s it.

    No dates need to come of it. No decent “matches.” No “great connections.”

    Not even the experience of a “decent man in the room.”

    lol.. NO PRESSURE

    It seemed like my first 20 cd dates was one big emotional roller coaster. And they were all almost just 1st dates only maybe a few I saw a few of the guys 2 or three times. But, thats it..

    I never hooked up with any of them. And I never felt that much desire for them. But, I got my self respect and esteem back.. That’s a better phase to be in then just someone’s random hook up!! So, I’m glad I did it.

    I took a little break. I might be ready to do it again..
    We’ll see..



  88.  #88kaitlyn on March 26, 2011 at 1:46 am

    tinque says:

    “May I add my take on the feel word. As far as I know it’s a tool for women to get in touch with their own feelings, a tool to get them out of their heads and into their bodies.

    Being in your body acts as an invitation to a man. He feels safer with you. It makes him want to be with you and around you. He feels that he can access you when your hear is open, and using “I feel” helps with this process.

    Men will still tend not to share their feelings. Most men just are not wired that way, and it’s not necessarily a good thing for them to do so.

    Men tend to be the doers and women the feelers. Not to say men don’t feel, and women don’t do. I’m talking the overall dynamic in a relationship.

    Most men will probably never share as we do. They let us know in other, usually more subtle ways how they feel.”

    ^^^THIS!!!!!



  89.  #89kaitlyn on March 26, 2011 at 2:23 am

    My best friend of 10 years is a guy. He’s whip smart when it comes to communication and reading people, but we had a disagreement when I brought me trying speed dating.

    Him- I know you’re trying to get over Adam and I agree with Rori’s advice on focussing on you, which you have been doing, but you’re still so obsessed that you lost him and if he’ll ever return. Honestly, I think speed dating and online dating will be to your detriment. It’ll be like making dating like looking for a job. It’s gonna distract you from your career goals and evolving into your full self. Yes, be open to meeting men and date, but you’re so hell bent on meeting men now, it’s scary.

    He also said that it’s been 2 months since Adam quit talking to me after HK and that I should be thinking of him less now, not more. And that when he (my friend) got dumped by his fiancee (she’s kinda nuts btw) after over a year of dating, it only took him 4 months to get over her whereas Adam and I only dated for a few months and most of that was long dist (in my defense, Adam called me many times/day, initiated emails, etc.)

    Me- I hear you and understand, but, I’m a girl and if I can’t have Adam, I’d really like to have a boyfriend sometime in the near future. Not any guy just to have a boyfriend…someone to feel a connection with where we ‘get’ each other and there’s passion. And if I see the Nutcracker 1 more damn year alone, I’ll fricking scream. I had no idea I’d accept a date with Adam and we’d be mutually smitten. I want that again. It’s what I’ve wanted to find me (as a Siren I know men come to ME). I’m open to love as I build my life for myself, and this single thing is getting old already. I guess you’re lucky you can just have you, casual sex, and go on about your life.



  90.  #90kaitlyn on March 26, 2011 at 2:24 am

    brought up me trying speed dating, i meant. i feel so engaged in writing here, i forget to edit.



  91.  #91Brenda on March 26, 2011 at 4:16 am

    Alicia,

    RE: #88 – You sound good! What’s your new job?



  92.  #92Brenda on March 26, 2011 at 4:17 am

    Denise,

    Re: #87 – How sweet! You’re welcome…and thank you!



  93.  #93Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 4:44 am

    Good morning, sirens.

    I fell asleep last night and I didn’t even get to Steve Harvey. 😆

    @85: Brenda says:
    @”LD,
    RE: #81 – ‘I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.’…”

    That sounds like me too; super star, super star! 😀
    I think I’ll use it.

    xoxo
    SLV



  94.  #94Violet on March 26, 2011 at 4:50 am

    Hello,

    I’m at a crossroads. One part of me wants to have hope to find someone special. The other part of me is trying to keep my fingers out of it.

    I feel in a state of limbo and that bothers me. I ‘just’ now thought of this… As of right now, I’m changing my perception of being in limbo.

    Instead, I choose to be positive. I am healing from the past, taking each day as it comes, and moving forward.

    Thank you for reading this and have a lovely day,

    ~ Violet ~



  95.  #95Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 5:11 am

    @88: Alicia

    Congratulations on your job!

    Are you still using your visual boards? I plan to make one soon for soul mate manifestation. Arielle Ford calls it treasure map but I think visual board better describes it.

    xoxo
    SLV



  96.  #96luzydel on March 26, 2011 at 5:40 am

    I feel Numb, I got five men contacting me yesterday and I was casual, but inside me I feel this nod I cannot identify yet. I told D that I was being fake, that it did bother me the fact that he says we will me soon, but then we don’t. That I felt like I was not taken seriously.

    He said…”You are taken seriously! it has been crazy for me this time and I am thankfull for you patient, I promise to you that next week things will be lighter and I will spent time with you”

    I know he is lying or not sure he can keep his promise. I am tired of this, of meeting men that act like this. That is why i feel this nod, i got men pursuing me, but in the end they will act like this and I will feel disappointed again. Why opening my heart to get hurt?



  97.  #97Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 6:22 am

    @97: luzydel says:
    “…i got men pursuing me, but in the end they will act like this and I will feel disappointed again. Why opening my heart to get hurt?..”

    I don’t believe they will all disappoint you. I believe less “early investment” in a man is the way to go. I also believe present action is a good prediction of future behaviour.

    How about you go on some casual dates just to have fun? I find when I’m talking to other guys, not romantically just fun stuff, guys spending time with me, doing things for me, giving me stuff, the funky acting guy seems less important.

    xoxo
    SLV



  98.  #98Brenda on March 26, 2011 at 6:29 am

    Luzydel,

    I’m with you…sometimes I feel like getting in the face of any and all men and just screaming, “Hey, you a$$hole! You’re just gonna break my heart anyway, so get out of my face!” LOL!

    I get mad at myself for liking men so much, LOL!



  99.  #99Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 6:47 am

    Luzydel,

    I know what you are feeling, I have felt that knot myself. I have however started looking for things to fill myself and my life up. I find that when I have things going on I don’t have much time to even be so obsessively focused on guys. I am not convinced he is lying. He has his own mission, whatever that is, that he is focussed on. Men will not get off their mission to fulfil our relationship goals. He is only capable of so much and maybe he doesn’t even know what he is capable or incapable of. In life regardless of what we are pursuing we eventually settle and only put as much as we are motivated to put. Think about a restaurant, when they just open up we get the best quality food and service. However as time goes on we all notice it goes down. The same thing about new jobs eventually the novelty goes away, we settle into a new routine. Sometimes we give our best while at others we give the minimum, otherwise we burn out. There is really nothing he can do that will get you feeling what you need to feel. Only you know how you need to feel. In the long run only over time will he be able to understand what you need and how he can help you. As time goes on we all change and our needs change with us. You will be better able to express your needs so that others can hear and help you if they so wish. Please be reminded that he has a right to do what you want or not. However, it is your responsibility to achieve your goals. You can only invite him on for the ride and that is only if he wants to. I get frustrated at times but have come to accept that that does not serve me. Take care of yourself and never give up hope. Look for good times in your life and look for life to surprise you.



  100.  #100Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 6:48 am

    Luzydel,

    Did you think about responding to ‘next week’ invite that you have plans next week, perhaps some other time? You will call him.



  101.  #101Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 6:48 am

    RE 95 Congrats Violet. We can change our reality from moment to moment.



  102.  #102Corin on March 26, 2011 at 6:54 am

    Hey, I’m a new poster and have been reading and learning from you all for a few months. I’ve gained so much already from what other people have shared. However I’m aware that I feel scared of showing myself/ stepping forward rather than feeling comfortingly invisible. This is a common trait of mine (I had a therapist tell me once that she forgot all about me between visits, I guess to highlight a lack of memorableness in the way I relate or something!). So, here I am trying to feel brave, definfitely feeling vulnerable and allowing myself to be seen!
    Love to you all xx



  103.  #103Lilybelle on March 26, 2011 at 6:56 am

    63: Alonka~

    I’m just getting here and haven’t caught up yet but wanted to say:

    YAY!! 🙂



  104.  #104Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Alicia great to see you back and congrats on your success with how you are feeling.



  105.  #105Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 6:58 am

    RE 103 Welcome. I am the same way. Can I suggest that you can change your name from time to time if that helps to make you feel more safe. Or your name can be something that describes you rather than your actual name.



  106.  #106Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 7:01 am

    Interesting thing happened on my date last night. In the past I hated making it feel like I was ‘screening’ a guy, almost like a job interview. I did not ask ‘important’ questions to put check marks on my list. I thought the best was to let a relationship grow naturally and see what happens with my heart open.

    Last night I did something different. I ask him: so how long was your last long-term relationship? He said: 6 years. I said: you know, the last guy I dated told me on our 1st date that his long-terms lasted from 1 to 2 months. I feel good that you’re not telling me that.

    AND – after that – I felt that he was trying to please me MORE.



  107.  #107Corin on March 26, 2011 at 7:04 am

    FW (106)
    Thank you! Goodness, when you responded and I realised somene had read my post and connected to me, I felt quite sad but also happy.
    This isn’t the name that I’m known by so that helps me to feel safer. Thank you again for the support x



  108.  #108LD on March 26, 2011 at 7:06 am

    I have another date with ministerCD and I feel excited to see him. I feel excited that I feel excited because this is an average, guy next door nice guy type and I feel seriously attracted to him. I can honestly say that a year ago I wouldn’t have felt attracted to a man like him. I was still attracted to more toxic men then. I feel like I’ve just passed another siren test!

    The cool thing about ministerCD is that the tools work with him. He’s not perfect by any means, but when I work the tools he gets it and he gives me what I need. In the beginning he was a boundary pusher about trying to get me to be more spontaneous about accepting dates with him when I had other plans. I gave him some feeling messages about my boundaries and he hasn’t done it since then.

    Then came the sex talk after we made out. While I enjoyed the flirtation and it definitely made me feel turned on, it also made me feel worried he was going to push for sex too soon. I gave him more feeling messages and my no sex speech and he agreed with me and said he felt the same about sex, but continued the sexual flirtation. I was concerned he didn’t hear me, but this morning he called me and said he’d been thinking about what I said and wanted to come up with a solution that made me feel comfortable and safe with him. He agreed the flirtation was playing with fire, but also said he was enjoying it and felt like I was too.

    He suggested we meet halfway for our next few dates in order to remove the “opportunity” of inviting each other back to our places in a weak moment. Our original plan was for him to come here this weekend and me to go to his town next weekend. (he wants me to meet his parents) We live about 2 1/2 hours apart, so in order to spend any time together, we’d almost have to spend the night to make it worth the 5 hour round trip. Plus he’s off weekends and I’m off weekdays, so our schedules don’t exactly cooperate.

    I normally have a rule about driving to men unless it’s for something they’ve invited me to that’s happening in their town. But this feels good to me. This feels like he’s really trying to show me that although he is wildly attracted to me, he hears what I say about sex and wants to make me feel comfortable. Meeting halfway will allow us to have extended dinner dates and continue to get to know each other, and then each drive back home the same night without the temptation of spending the night together.

    What do you think?



  109.  #109Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 7:10 am

    Lilybelle,

    Thanks 😉 Of course, he is a nicer person and sounds like a lot more ‘normal’ compared to many others that I went on a date with, but I did interrupt his (interesting!) story to say that I’m hungry and need an immediate attention. That was new for me.



  110.  #110Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 7:14 am

    @103: Corin

    Welcome. 😀

    SLV



  111.  #111Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 7:15 am

    Corin,

    Yes, FW was the nicest one to greet you here openly, but please know that people read posts actively and I’m sure many felt happy to see you talk 😉 For the future if your post/question is not answered, please just ask or re-post, a few people will get back to you. This is a very welcoming community 😉



  112.  #112Lilybelle on March 26, 2011 at 7:16 am

    97: Luzydel~

    I, too, have felt this knot and it is the one thing that I am working the hardest on myself about.

    I have carried the pain of a failed relationship (really, it was an imaginary relationship with one of the most toxic men known to walk this earth) with me for several years. I feel so happy to have found this blog and when I started reading, I felt like I got hit in the head with a 2 x 4 over and over and over again. I was the epitomy of lean forward with this toxic man. He was so good at playing hide and go seek. And I was so utterly stupid. This is honest stuff here…I was sooo stupid but now I’m not stupid any more.

    Now, i tell myself that my CD’s or any other man for that matter, is NOT B. I now know, that I can not carry the pain of that man’s actions with me into every new situation I encounter. Oh, I did that for quite a while, kept my walls up, was almost even timid when a man would show appreciation for me because I was feeling that they were no different than B. I kept my heart locked up tight and was really just there, in physical form, not in my entirety. This went on for quite some time.

    Thing is, it was so completely unfair of me to do so. And I am sure that I missed out on some great times because I was so intent on keeping myself locked up and shut down. The thing about my last dealio was that M knew all of this about me and he helped me to unlock myself, take those walls down and be me again. It ended as well, but I learned my lessons and I learned them well. And, I am learning every day from all of you. Can’t put a price on that.

    Now, when I go out, I am open and free.. My vibe is so much different. I am not afraid that I am going to get hurt anymore. I am just there, and me, and open and loving and fun and happy.

    I am free and it feels so damn good.



  113.  #113Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 7:20 am

    LD It will give you an opportunity to test another scenario and see how it feels for you. You also need to pay attention to your feelings so if you are feeling good about it that is the most important thing IMHO. Plus you are doing this with more awareness than you have done in the past so your decisions are not based on hormones.

    Remember also that sexual tension is needed to keep the relationship going and interesting. Also with the no sex boundary I believe it is good to find a way to show each other that you can be passionate and find ways to satisfy each other without the sex. Taking into consideration that people’s sex drive are not always paralell as in one’s libido might be high while the other partner’s is low, at these times you will need to find ways to satisfy each other without the sex if you settle. This to me is a peep in how it will be handled in the future. Intimacy IMHO is more than sex and the type without the sex can be more satisfying that the actual act. I have friends who were highly sexed before marriage and now in marriage I hear them sometimes how tired they are when the guys are demanding sex and that sometimes they wished they could get rid of that part of the marriage because it can get to feel like a chore. I know some of us here wish we had that problem but I have heard enough girls complain about that that I know that eventually in marriage things balance out themselves. I also have a guy in my life who always says “it is not about the sex”. Seems he had gotten married early in his life because of that but now that he is more mature he is looking for more in a relationship. I understand it as quality emotional connection with someone who will make his life more enriching.

    This guy has shown you that he is thinking of you which shows that you are doing something right. I have come to accept that it is in the thinking about us that guys fall in love. He is trying to offer something that will help you to feel comfortable with him, seems like he is headed in the right direction.



  114.  #114Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 7:22 am

    LD,

    I once had a guy from Boston (and I live in New York) invite me to an annual friends’ gathering at his place and I accepted, just said that I’d like him to fly me there and I myself will take care of a hotel. He was a bit shocked, but did that without a question. After his party on Sat night he begged me to stay with him at his house along with a few other friends that arrived from different parts of the country, but I politely refused. I took a cab to my b&b and he picked me up for bfast the next morning.



  115.  #115Lilybelle on March 26, 2011 at 7:23 am

    109: LD

    I feel excited for you! I like the plan and it feels safe. Safe meaning, not putting yourself into a situation where sex could happen more easily.

    The thought of a nice, lingering conversation over an equally nice dinner sounds fabulous and right up my alley.

    I want this tonight with Hot Gentle Man CD. Mind of I follow your lead? 😉

    lil



  116.  #116Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 7:23 am

    Corin guess what you have already started the work by feeling your feelings and expressing it. That is what is important.



  117.  #117LD on March 26, 2011 at 7:25 am

    FW,

    Thanks for the input. I feel like he and I are both pretty highly sexed, and my main concern is that if we have sex too soon, we will stop getting to know each other on other levels and it will be all about sex. I could definitely see us becoming sexually “addicted” to each other, and that’s what I’m trying to avoid. I normally wouldn’t agree to this much driving, but I feel like by doing so I’m not only meeting him halfway distance wise, but also showing him I’m willing to work with him when he shows me he’s thinking of my comfort and safety.



  118.  #118LD on March 26, 2011 at 7:29 am

    Lilybelle,

    By all means! I feel like you and I are very similar in many ways. Enjoy your date with HotGentleMan!



  119.  #119Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 7:32 am

    Yes he will get the opportunity to show how much he is really concerned. Let’s see how soon after you leave he contacts you to see if you got back safely or if he tells you to contact him when you get back. I have had the case where the guy asked me to contact him when I get home. I felt ignored when he did not pick up the phone. Next time I sent a text and he did not respond. I get now that I was looking for an outcome and that he might have gotten the message so thought he didn’t have to get back to me because I was okay. However, I needed it to help me feel that I was somehow a priority in his life. I didn’t know how to express myself back then but I know now. My point here is to bring something to your attention to see if it will be important to you and to be ready to show him in another way what you need and how you wish to be treated. Hopefully he will show you that he is willing. On the other hand this might not be important to you taking into consideration that in other areas he is attentive. Best wishes as you move forward.



  120.  #120kaitlyn on March 26, 2011 at 7:32 am

    “Last night I did something different. I ask him: so how long was your last long-term relationship? He said: 6 years. I said: you know, the last guy I dated told me on our 1st date that his long-terms lasted from 1 to 2 months. I feel good that you’re not telling me that.”

    i feel insecure that I’m 39 and my longest relationship was 5 months. I’m worried it will be a red flag to quality men. Your thoughts?



  121.  #121Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 7:34 am

    By the LD I have seen where coaches say getting physically connected early on will short circuit the guys bonding cycle. Sex is just the icing on the cake after emotional bonding.



  122.  #122LD on March 26, 2011 at 7:36 am

    FW,

    Yes I can see how that can happen. I think in my case it would turn the relationship into one based just on sex.



  123.  #123Corin on March 26, 2011 at 7:37 am

    Thank you for all the kind welcomes. I really want to give back and start giving my perspective on your posts but I feel that you are all waaaay ahead in your Rori-ness and femininity. Hmmm, maybe I’ll dip my toe in the water with some appreciations first. I really admire all of you who are able to CD. I’m seeing just one person and it’s going well (he’s bringing up questions about where the relationship is all going, contacting me and arranging dates) but I think I’ve always felt scared of losing him if I did the ‘no girlfriend speech’ (plus I like him calling me his girlfriend). However I’m focussing really hard on the belief that I could choose to CD if I felt we weren’t moving forward and that seems to help. Just having that awareness seems to shift my vibe.

    I’ve also had an amazing shift recently when I actually felt (not just intellectualised) that whenever I convinced myself he needed to do X to make me happy then it pretty much ALWAYS was a reaction to me being scared and vulnerable and trying to avoid that fear by controlling him. Now whenever I think ‘he needs to call/ text more’ etc. I ask myself what I’m scared of and them comfort myself. It feel so much more peaceful.



  124.  #124Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 7:38 am

    RE 121 kaitlyn I feel unconvinced that was your longest. It might have been your first consciously committed long term relationship but I would hazard a guess that in your yonger years there were others. Also you might not have wanted to have the long term thing because of the investment and commitment that you were conscious it required of you. You might have been focussed on getting other things in life and experiencing other things. I am in my late 40s and frankly it is the first time that I really believe that I am ready to settle down even though I have to admit that I did have long term relationships. Looking back however it felt like I was settling just because everyone else around me was doing it. I had no awareness of what relationships are about or even why I wanted one. You ge to choose what you want in your life and it might have been that that was not what you wanted then. I have had an opportunity to travel around the world, live in other cultures and complete my education that were more important to me. I have no regrets about my life, it is just that I am ready to settle down now because I feel my heart yearning to connect with a soulmate. I feel that deep inside, I never really felt it before. Hope this helps.



  125.  #125LD on March 26, 2011 at 7:38 am

    Kaitlyn,

    Don’t worry about your past being a red flag. Continue working the tools and becoming a siren and OWN who you are. Your past made you the fabulous women you are now, so make no apologies for it. you can learn plenty from 5 month relationships, and you may have been subconsciously working through the same issues until you got through them…



  126.  #126Corin on March 26, 2011 at 7:43 am

    Kaitlyn (121) have you thought of how you can frame it positively, for example talking about what you’ve learnt in each relationship and how you want to be in the future rather than talking about how long they were. A relationship can last years and years but offer no emotional intimacy or growth. In fact I find that people who have had lots of long relationships can tend to struggle to end things when they are not making them happy or even not have understanding of why they were unhappy (of course not all the time). You chose to be single rather than years of the wrong person!



  127.  #127kaitlyn on March 26, 2011 at 7:45 am

    RE 121

    “kaitlyn I feel unconvinced that was your longest. It might have been your first consciously committed long term relationship but I would hazard a guess that in your yonger years there were others.”

    In my younger years, relationships came secondary to how much I’d bank at the stripclub, eating at vegan restaurants everyday, and shopping, shopping, shopping. Who needs men when you have Prada, right? Well, that was me then.

    LD,

    I hear ya on what is the now and what moving forward will bring. Just worried as to what to say when men ask what’s the longest relationship I’ve been in.



  128.  #128Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 7:47 am

    By the way kaitlyn I understand from CCarter that the thing that is important to guys is how we get them to feel in the moment. If we can build a string of great feeling moments and experiences with them over time, it could get him to abandon his needs for freedom if he is in a place in his own life that he wants to build a relationship. You share information about your past as time goes on. Even if he asks you find a way to frame it to satisfy the curiousity but there is no need to spill your guts early on or before he asks. He will become curious over time about you as he starts feeling his need to be with you forever. The important thing IMHO is focusing on your own feelings in each moment and building fun moments with the guy. That is the reason I prefer active dates such as bowling, sporting events, broadway shows where both of us can focus on things around and doing stuff rather than cuddling on the couch or just dinners with wine. For me it feels like rushing into romance rather than pacing myself. I love to go bowling, roller blading, dancing



  129.  #129Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 7:48 am

    Kaitlyn,

    FW responded beautifully to your question. If I may add, guys may not take that as a ‘red flag’ necessarily (even I did not when I heard it on my date!) or you may say that you feel you are ready for a serious commitment – if you think there were reasons it did not happen yet and you are aware of them, you can state these reasons. If you really feel like sharing in the moment. Otherwise it’s not anyone’s business, esp not this person’s in front of you that you just met 😉



  130.  #130kaitlyn on March 26, 2011 at 7:49 am

    Corin,

    Beautiful re-frame and pretty much true. Especially in my 20s, I was unrelenting. One mess-up from a guy and he was jetted out by the scruff of his neck.



  131.  #131Lilybelle on March 26, 2011 at 7:52 am

    119 LD~

    I feel the same too. AND, we share the same name. 😉



  132.  #132Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 7:55 am

    Goodmorning Sirens! 🙂

    i feel rested and ready for the day…drinking my favorite coffee…yum!!

    i’m CDing my fitness instructor at 11 am today..it’s just for fun 🙂 but he sure is a cutie!!

    then around 4 i feel super excited to see hotpilot man!! we have dinner plans with some friends of his again and then on Tuesday next week we have dinner plans with my friends…K i have wanted this kind of thing for sooooo long!! to have a man who loves to be social to a point and do things with other couples and he’s the one suggesting it!!! yay!! wahooo!!!

    LD…did you see my post to you on the other thread? it’s 1216….and i feel curious how long you are going to wait to have sex..if you have a timeline or what you are going by…

    Alonka…yay!! you are a rockstar! you sound so good…you seem so much happier than you were at first 🙂

    Corin…welcome 🙂 sounds like you are definitely on the right track!

    Kaitlyn…i just want to give you a big hug!! i think you are way harder on yourself that anyone else could ever be…it sounds like you’ve been able to put space around the whole adam situation and that is good..you are healing this 🙂

    Lilybelle…good luck on your date tonight!! 🙂



  133.  #133Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 7:55 am

    kaitlyn that sounds to me like you felt self sufficient in building your own security and using money to build that security so you went for it. You might not have wanted to pin your security on any man providing that for you. To me that shows strength and independence that I understand is attractive to guys. Now that you have the money you needed to build a sense of security as you knew it, I am wondering if you have done work on finding out why you would want to be in a relationship, what a relationship means to you and set relationship goals for yourself? I understand with these things in place it will help with selecting guys properly and in expressing the goals so the guy can be clear on whether he can help you fufil the goal if it won’t throw him off his mission. You see it will clarify for you if the guy seem to be able to help you and if not you can move on. I dated a guy a couple years ago who seemed to be wanting to womanize, and have women take care of him. He moved from living with one woman to another and accepting women paying for clothes for him even though he was not in a committed relationship with any. He also suggested that he was living with one and sleeping with others. After I got this understanding I kicked him off my horse. It took me less than a month but I did continue to engage with him because he seemed to like to talk I had nothing else going on at the time and now I look back I was desparate. Don’t know why because I had more going on for me than I did. But now I know better.



  134.  #134luzydel on March 26, 2011 at 7:56 am

    I am emailing other men, by looking at their pictures I already feel I am not attracted, but since this is about cding I am continuing the journey.
    I feel like getting dressed and going somewhere I have not been yet.

    D texted me saying he was with his grandmother doing some things for her. Then asked me what I was doing…I lied (lol) I said I was going out with my friend (a guy) for drinks. Funny thing is that he keep saying he owes me a lot of time, but his debt keeps addding up and I am afraid it will default some day 🙂

    Believe me previous RR I would have insulted him, made him feel like crap. But now I just let it be and observe abd date others. But I cannot avoid feeling frustrated.



  135.  #135Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 7:58 am

    RE 133 jilly a man that is social. That is one thing I think most of miss a lot. I was listening to CCarter talking about that recently. We assume the guys are social because we are dating not realizing that many after settling down tend to be homebodys and only go out when they are going out the guys so we don’t live a life out in the world with them. That was a good catch for you, knowing you want a person who is social. I would recommend finding out his thoughts and beliefs around that topic if possible.



  136.  #136Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 7:59 am

    luzydel I have read something about us making mistakes by keeping score and focusing on that “debt” thing. I have to look up the newsletter and see what it says. What I can remember is that it is a slippery slope that you don’t want to get on. It keeps going down and never stops.



  137.  #137Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 8:00 am

    FW…hypothetically…what’s a good timeline to wait to have sex? i think Dr. Paul says wait at least a month right?

    SLV…just a shout out 🙂 did you make your morning coffee run already? 🙂



  138.  #138Lilybelle on March 26, 2011 at 8:03 am

    128: Kaitlyn~

    Pssttt..I have a secret to share with you.

    I wonder if the image I have of what you look like, matches up to what you really look like

    I imagine you to be impeccably dressed, worldly and beautiful with much to offer.

    The only thing that I see is that YOU need to see that. I have started many posts to you directly in the last few weeks, that have said…If I was there, we would go out for a cocktail at one of those swanky places and I would totally verbally, kick your ass, in a loving girlfriend sort of way…but I have deleted.

    I have felt afraid.

    I feel nervous with this.

    I feel scared you will kick my ass verbally, but not in a loving, girlfriend sort of way.

    I offer this to you, only because I KNOW you are a rock star. I feel so hopeful that you will see it too..



  139.  #139kaitlyn on March 26, 2011 at 8:05 am

    Jilly,

    Space is an illusion. If my computer’s on, I’m checking that dude’s page. I even made my profile settings even more private than he has made his in the past 3 weeks. Why? Just to appear mysterious, even though his new FB customizations probably have nothing to do with me for he is an uber private person. Then I revoked my new settings. I felt like it would appear too obvious that I’m trying to be as off the grid as he is.

    And I’m freaking out that what if he’s in town and doing that in hopes to avoid me?



  140.  #140Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:06 am

    RE 135 It is the investment and looking for a certain outcome that causes some of the frustration. The relationship debt tend to keep building when we focus on the wrong things. Think about it you are yearning for connection, prioritization and attention, yet when he gives what he can afford you tell him you have other plans. Please don’t take this as a criticism or at least if you do as constructive criticism; do you think that is being open? Insulting him would have been the right response. But do you want to be right or do you want to connect and get love? I am wondering if saying I love you dearly but I am not going put my life on hold for you or something similar could work? I am attracted to you and I feel good with you but I am committed to my happiness so I am feeling frustrated that we cannot connect in person. It is hard on me not being able to connect with you and I would appreciate if you would respect my feelings. Luzydel I would play with something around this on here to see what others think and prepare to say something to the effect to him when he finally agrees to see you. I feel it will be soon and you would want to be prepared.



  141.  #141Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 8:08 am

    FW…yes…i want to make sure this part lasts…but i do feel it’s part of his personality..he is definitely a “magician” and since he’s the one bringing it up i feel good about it..seems like i might be the more homebody lol but i love to be social too…

    FW…in my last 3 year relationship (we were engaged) i felt so alone…he was such a loner and arrogant and it was hard to even visit my family…i longed for a relationship that was fun, flirty, social, caring…one that made me feel good…i wanted to feel happy…but alas…my soul felt dark until i broke off the engagement and left..then i felt peace…it’s been a long road with a few other longterm relationships inbetween but i’ve always remembered what i really wanted because of that relationship…sorry so long…thanks for listening!! 🙂



  142.  #142kaitlyn on March 26, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Lilybelle,

    Aww you’d be a blast to hang with, though these days I prefer dive bars. If we elicited any snark, it wouldn’t be at each other. And I’m an excellent wing girl.



  143.  #143luzydel on March 26, 2011 at 8:08 am

    FW I am not adding interest to “his debt” I believe is is going trough some family matters that keeps him from dating, but he wont tell me because he does not want to let me go either ( I think this is selfish).
    He has no time right now, he has him mom, son and grandmother to care for, and he cannot give me time. I am accepting that, who knows the future, but the present is telling me he cannot give me what I want, so I should not sit and wait. Still I like him a lot, he is a good person, take care of his family etc. maybe I feel I cannot do better and that is whay I am still hung up. I am pushing myself to keep moving by CDing etc. But I cant help it that there is something about him that I like. I know I can like others as well, just expressing what I feel here.



  144.  #144Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 8:09 am

    Jilly,

    Thanks 😉 Yes, your guy is not only ‘social’, he is social with you, as opposed to keeping you away from his friends lol. I hope you appreciate that too!

    I’m sorry I sounded unhappy. I know I should be stronger and hope for the best. I should not be thrown off my horse by rude and inconsiderate guys and think that this is the end and I will never meet anyone better (and desirable).

    Frankly, I recently got this really bad situation about my health. It’s most unexpected and I’m grasping my breath trying to find some kind of a solution.. if there is any.. and dating almost feels like a fake joke to me.



  145.  #145Prairie Girl on March 26, 2011 at 8:18 am

    #124 Corin Says
    “I’ve also had an amazing shift recently when I actually felt (not just intellectualised) that whenever I convinced myself he needed to do X to make me happy then it pretty much ALWAYS was a reaction to me being scared and vulnerable and trying to avoid that fear by controlling him. Now whenever I think ‘he needs to call/ text more’ etc. I ask myself what I’m scared of and them comfort myself. It feel so much more peaceful.”
    —————————————–

    That’s AMAZING! It REALLY is a good reminder to me today…
    You’re plenty siren-y sister… thank you for sharing!
    PG



  146.  #146Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 8:18 am

    Kaitlyn…i’m with Lilybelle…we are going to come get you and have a cocktail and somehow someway work some magic so you can see yourself the way we see you!! i know…we need to take you to Mammoth Lakes, Ca and you will be FLOCKED by men…(there are hardly any women and LOTS of hot men) i lived there for 5 years..(was only supposed to be a semester lol) and it was BAD! but very good (wink wink)!!

    it is a candy store out there…its a ski town…might not be your type but it would be FUN!! ok ill stop dreaming of these things….buti think it’s time for Kaitlyn to have some fun!! 🙂



  147.  #147kaitlyn on March 26, 2011 at 8:21 am

    134 FW

    It was a cross between building making money and the fact that I flitted in and out of the sex industry (mostly in) in 3 different capacities for 13 years. Who would I meet men from? Some stripper’s bf’s friend? Not to judge, but most people in that circle and their peers aren’t anyone I can relate to.



  148.  #148Lilybelle on March 26, 2011 at 8:22 am

    143:

    Love the dive bars, sister. I’m in.

    I feel so relieved that you took my post in the spirit in which it was intended.

    We’d be tight.



  149.  #149Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 8:24 am

    Alonka….((((hugs)))) wow…yes our health is so important…i think you are plenty strong..i can just tell you seem happier…i’m sorry to hear about your health situation 🙁



  150.  #150Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 8:25 am

    PG…good to see you here…i read last night’s post and you sound good…. 🙂



  151.  #151Lilybelle on March 26, 2011 at 8:25 am

    147:

    I’m packing my home up as we speak, and moving to Mammoth Springs.

    Kaitlyn and Jilly~ meet me there.



  152.  #152kaitlyn on March 26, 2011 at 8:26 am

    Alonka, much best wishes on your health to improve. xo



  153.  #153Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:29 am

    jilly I am not sure focusing on timelines is the best way to go because I have seen different coaches suggest differring timelines. The thing is how you feel, what does sex mean to you, do you feel the guy will remain with you after sex, does he have the capacity to bond for the long term after. Those are the questions I find are important for me now. Remember women dangle the carrot of sex for commitment while guys dangle the carrot of commitment so they can get sex. I am not convinced that guys coming on strong “all the time” is a barometer of them wanting to be with me in the long run. Coming on strong all the time is bound to cause burn out and if we check our married friends their husband does not come on strong all the time. Some will tell you that they have to schedule intimate time where they connect because there is so much other things going on in life that needs our attention. Coming on strong initially is just to mark their territory, kind of spray you with their scent to turn off other suitors (think about evolution and mating in nature and other species) and to impress you that they want you. The thing is what you want and whether they want to work with you to give you what you want. I am at a point where I am comfortable sharing what I want in my life early on. If I want sex there are many males out there I can get it from if I want to I believe there is no shortage of that.



  154.  #154Lilybelle on March 26, 2011 at 8:30 am

    *Mammoth Springs*
    I got so excited I lost where I was moving too.



  155.  #155Prairie Girl on March 26, 2011 at 8:32 am

    Okay, I’m gonna share my no girlfriend “speech” (I paraphrase it but this is the gist).. I put it on the last thread about RoperCB but it was a lONNNNGG post (no I never do long right?)

    I say:
    To me being a “girlfriend” is like being a car that gets taken on an extended test drive w/out you filling out the financial paperwork… How many girlfriends have you had that you didn’t marry? How many cars have you test driven w/out buying? It’s great for you but just adds mileage to the car.. I don’t want to be a “girlfriend” .. I want happily ever after.. I want someone to spend the rest of my life with….”

    The other day I added “to crawl in bed with every night and wink over the dinner table/homework every evening”…

    PG



  156.  #156Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 8:33 am

    @Alonka
    @kaitlyn

    “…I said: you know, the last guy I dated told me on our 1st date that his long-terms lasted from 1 to 2 months. I feel good that you’re not telling me that…”

    I’m more inclined to wonder what kind of relationship it was. Was it a marriage? Otherwise I’d wonder why the relationship dragged on for six years and then ended, unless they were teenagers and considered themselves too young to marry. I’d also wonder how many relationships of that length he had.

    I wonder this because I am not looking for a “terminal” relationship, so I wouldn’t get too excited if a guy tells me he’s had a lot of terminal relationships of five or six years.

    If I ever give a “quality score” I’d prefer giving one to a guy who’s had relationships of a year or two. It seems to me he’d know by that time if a relationship were to be a life commitment kind of relationship.

    However, if a woman wants to stay in a relationship for five years and periodically change because she just wants someone knew I imagine that can happen, although it’s not what I’m looking for: a guy who goes on and on without making a marriage commitment.

    If he’s a divorced guy maybe that’s a different story.

    Again wondering, how many five or six year terminal relationships do you want for yourself?

    xoxo
    SLV



  157.  #157kaitlyn on March 26, 2011 at 8:36 am

    147 Lilybelle,

    If any lanky, pale, whip smart guys who dress plain yet slightly disheveled plus a penchant for deviant sex and music that summons the devil, I’m in.

    Where the hell am I gonna find that again? Adam was perfect, as if I’d ordered him from a catalogue. And we related on so much. But I felt so insecure from his accomplishments, that my insecurities got the best of me and I became needy and blamey.

    If he left me because emotionally unavailable or some other lame male excuse, I’d be a lot less of an obsessed wreck of tears and longing than the truth of his departure which was MY fault.

    Because something was my fault, I feel I have LESS control. Weird.



  158.  #158Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 8:36 am

    Lilybelle..you are crackin me up! 🙂

    FW….i agree i’ve never focused on timelines before…just was feeling curious..i’ll follow my feelings on this…thank you 🙂



  159.  #159Prairie Girl on March 26, 2011 at 8:38 am

    #151 Jilly,
    Thank you!!! I have been feeling better…I’m trying not to spin outta control today… weirdness… IDK what brings it on…well I do too… boys paying too much attention… reminding me of the work I still need to do on ME…lol

    I feel like I’m getting a hit of oxygen when I get on here… Like I was holding my breath until I get w/my Sirens and they give me air…

    I wrote on my blog the other day that my Sirens know just how long to let me bleed to cleanse my wounds and then just what to put on them to start the healing…

    I’m so excited for you Jilly!!!!! You SOOO deserve all this good stuff comin to you!
    Angels on your body!
    PG



  160.  #160Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 8:40 am

    Thanks girls. If anyone heard about a good fertility clinic on the East Coast please let me know.. My dream was always to have family with children and so I went and checked my ovarian reserve and it turned out to be almost non-existent. I went to a good dr and she said my chance of getting pregnant at this point is pretty much none. I was considered to be very healthy in this respect always and this is shocking/depressing news for sure.. I’m still trying to fight it. So any suggestions are very welcome.



  161.  #161Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:42 am

    RE 144 luzydel Is it possible to reframe that? Guys think differently than us. They can only focus on one thing at a time. Maybe if he cannot give his full attention he might feel it is selfish to give you partial because he knows what a woman who wants a real relationship needs. He won’t tell you because guys are different. Some believe they are invincible and should be able to deal with their issues without being a cry baby and talking about it. They believe they can take care of it so they laser focus on that and when it is taken care of they come back to the relationship without realizing how it hurt us. I have one who I was engaged to years ago recently come back. I am now hearing what kept him from really connecting and how being macho caused him his happiness and lot of other feelings and things he was dealing with back then that I wished he would have shared with me. Yes they string us along because they don’t want to lose us. Howevedr, remember the one who cannot get up and leave the negotiation table is the one that always loses. Maybe if you could come to a point where you can really let it go and walk away he will get to it. You however, must be in a place to really walk away without looking back. That period could be more than a year or it could be about 6 weeks. If he is stringing you along IMHO the power is in your hand to decide. I know it sometimes take some going back and forth to really get to where we need to be to make that hard decision. I sense your are getting close to that but not quite there yet. I would experiment with letting him go and if you have to go back and start over again I would do that. Each time the period could get longer and longer depending on what you need. I sense he needs to really feel his feelings around not having you in his life at all to see if he can stand that. He might not bounce back until the other family things are taken care of but you need to take care of yourself and find the best way to do it. I know what it is to feel that special thing with a man and struggle with letting him go.



  162.  #162Lilybelle on March 26, 2011 at 8:43 am

    158:

    I know, sweetie, I know. But what I really want you to feel, is that you do have control and power…all that you need is right there inside of you. You just really need to feel it and grab it and then, go forward with it. With intent and stop those NV’s from butting in on it.

    You are a gift, damn it. SEE yourself this way, FEEL it and BE it.

    Jilly, we need to go and get Kaitlyn.



  163.  #163Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:44 am

    Alonka not sure you want my opinion about the health situation but please remember we always have the option of adoption. I realize it is not the same thing but my point is you can still live your dream just that you might need to change the colors of the picture. Do what you have to take care of yourself but I believe you can still live your dream.



  164.  #164Corin on March 26, 2011 at 8:45 am

    I view people’s relationship history (long term, short term, if they have cheated in the past etc) as being ways for me to find out what they are like in respect of how they learnt from those situations rather than there being a right or wrong history. How they talk about their, exes, if they do so with respect and taking personal responsibility then that feels good. I know how many mistakes I’ve made so I don’t want to judge others but I do want to feel that they are continually learning about how to be successful in a relationship rather than continually being stuck in blaming others.



  165.  #165Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:47 am

    RE 158 kaitlyn I am now wondering if you have focussed on healing those insecurities. I believe this is the first time I have seen you write this and I might be wrong but I believe this could be your breakthrough moment if you really focus on that and getting past it. This might be what you attracted him into your life to help you heal. I am wondering if you realize that if you heal that you will attract a better man. What do you think?



  166.  #166Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:48 am

    RE 165 Excellent excellent excellent. I love it.



  167.  #167Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 8:49 am

    awwww PG…that’s so sweet of you…thank you…and you’re funny…i’m glad you are moving on from LMCB? he was taking your oxygen away…just sayin’ 🙂

    Alonka…can you get a second opinion? and miracles happen all the time..i mean…women get pregnant after their men get snipped and crazy things like that…our bodies are always changing…



  168.  #168Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 8:51 am

    @124: Corin says:
    “…However I’m focussing really hard on the belief that I could choose to CD …”

    You can “Me CD”, “self-CD” — whatever you’d like to call it if you are using the CD model. I’ve called it many things, lately “Me CD” among other things. I’ve been doing it for years and first learned to do so when studying transmutation of sex energy. You can use your sexual energy to be passionate about your life!

    Most of the time I just call it “personal projects.” It’s fun to think them up! …. whether it’s becoming a duplicate bridge champion, producing an independent film or building a catamaran. You can do this whenever you choose; you don’t have to do things with men only. You can do them with women, family, by yourself, or with platonic friends of all kinds.

    xoxo
    SLV



  169.  #169Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 8:51 am

    FW,

    Thank you so much for your support. There is also an option of becoming pregnant with a donor’s egg, but it’s tough for me to accept it at this point. Been talking to my dr for the past couple of months and it’s only getting worse.

    Even to think that I was always the one dying to have a real family and this is exactly what’s not happening.



  170.  #170Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:54 am

    RE 156 Reading this reminded me speaking his language and getting him. If this is a car salesman or business person I imagine that the person would get this speech as you speaking his language. If it is a real estate broker or a cowboy I would tweak it a bit to fit their natural way of thinking. As in a cowboy maybe “breaking in/taming a cow/horse before catching it in the wild” or taking an animal for a run before owning it or even identifying it as something I want to own in the long run. Hope this makes sense.



  171.  #171Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 8:59 am

    oh ya…i can make up an airline no sex speech lol…how fun we can make up speeches according to their professions…i bet they would get a kick out of that 🙂

    yes..Kaitlyn..Lilybelle and i are on our way…we may need back up…perhaps a DD?? lol



  172.  #172Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 9:01 am

    @128: kaitlyn says:

    “…I hear ya on what is the now and what moving forward will bring. Just worried as to what to say when men ask what’s the longest relationship I’ve been in…”

    It means very little, so-called LTR past a year are “red herrings.” The only one I’d consider of value would be a LTR of marriage or “marriage quality” relationship. I don’t give much credit to a guy who’s spent his life eluding marriage and escaping after three or four years each time when his “girlfriend” finally dumped him.

    …unless that’s the kind of thing you’re looking for.

    xoxo
    SLV



  173.  #173Corin on March 26, 2011 at 9:02 am

    SLV (169) Thanks for the validation to keep doing what I’m doing. I’m studying for a Masters as well as working full time, seeing people and trying to focus on me in an active rather than just up- in- my head way. I guess I am CDing of a sort. I’ve also been listening to the WISH Summit which I think you originally linked on here so thanks for the tip! I really appreciate how you bring so many different resources into your development and share them with other people. I find that really enriching.



  174.  #174Corin on March 26, 2011 at 9:05 am

    Alonka, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. That is one of my greatest fears and you’re having to face it. I admire your courage in going to the dr and getting support rather than hiding xxxxx



  175.  #175Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 9:10 am

    Corin,

    Thank you. Funny that you mention it, as much as I tried to be proactive, I’m like several months behind. My point is – don’t hide, it can be helped if not too late 😉



  176.  #176Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 9:12 am

    #176: There is a chance that it can be helped I meant to say.



  177.  #177Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 9:12 am

    @138: Jilly says:
    “…SLV…just a shout out did you make your morning coffee run already? ..”

    This morning I made it at home, yuck instant. I decided I would economize for a while and put the dollars into a “ME CD” jar. There’s a couple of wine and tapas places I want to try. I have to treat myself… no guys picking up the tabs and I’m on a budget with a capital “B.” 😀

    Are you still jumping out of helicopters? You cheer me.

    xoxo
    SLV



  178.  #178Daria on March 26, 2011 at 9:14 am

    I’m feeling calm relaxed pleased. 🙂

    I’m at og house and am Gona paint the garage where I’m moving into. 🙂

    Yes I will have my own place 🙂

    He has wireless Internet so I’m covered 🙂

    I’m feeling happy. I feel good hanging out here, I feel safe and relaxed. I feel loved. I feel like I have a friend.

    This guy that was here wanted to take me dancing last nite, but I rather stay and read the Money Ain’t Real book to OG.

    I didn’t have dancing shoes.

    I feel a bit bored as far as romance.

    🙁

    What would feel gOod right now? More sleep, a fun feeling convo or meeting with a guy, a fun surprise.



  179.  #179Corin on March 26, 2011 at 9:14 am

    Alonka, you are getting help NOW and that is the important thing. Many people would still be avoiding xxxxx



  180.  #180Prairie Girl on March 26, 2011 at 9:14 am

    Okay… I’m fighting “angst” today.. Fighting getting “attached”.. to NOTHING really.. but it brings up the unhealed/needs work part of me.. the beliefs I need to challenge…namely..

    Men leave.. If I like him he will leave… unless hes a loser then I will keep him because he likes me…

    I realize that I have settled utterly and completely in the past.. my ex hub being the biggest example in retrospect…

    I feel a little bit like LuzyDel waiting for them to disappoint me again…

    RoperCB is sooo trying to step up.. on the second phone call he said he wanted to take a day off work to drive over and see me during the day when my kids were at school and I didn’t have play practice (he’s far away at a roping this weekend and that was the first time he could get to me)…

    He texts frequently throughout the day and calls at least once a day for extended calls…

    He isn’t “deep” or psychological like LMCB (also not as f’d up) but is enthralled when I AM… Says that he feels “completely satisfied” when he talks to me…

    His last name is Wright… and I said “Oh so the girls can call you Mr Wright all the time”.. he said “I only want to be ___________ _________’s (my first and MIDDLE lol name) Mr Right”….

    So… I’m trying not to expect the other shoe to drop… him to be a loser, or if not a loser.. then he’ll pull away… All those lovely negative beliefs..

    My sweet cousin and soul friend who I’ve been telling about BK but hasn’t gotten to hear any of it said a bit ago when I was telling her this… “well just ask if that’s really true”…. lol…

    Luzydel… I’m right there with ya… I am so reminded of that scene in the movie w/Robin Williams and Jeff Daniels called The Fisher King.. I’ve mentioned it before I wish I could find that clip… The girl says something to the effect of “I’d ask you to come in but then we’d have a drink and one thing would lead to another then in the morning you’d be distant and then I’d never hear from you again”.. to which Robin’s character replies.. “wow, you’ve already had us being intimate and breaking up and I haven’t even had the pleasure of the first kiss, which as I recall is the sweetest”…. These words are all wrong I know, but you get the gist…lol

    Hugs Luzydel…

    Whew….

    The knot in my chest unwinds when I get to be here with you guys… It’s felt really bad this past week not to have time to get here…

    XOXOXOXO
    Angels on your bodies…
    PG



  181.  #181Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 9:20 am

    @145: Alonka says:
    :…Frankly, I recently got this really bad situation about my health. It’s most unexpected and I’m grasping my breath trying to find some kind of a solution.. ..”

    I hope things are going well working out health problem and you have a treament plan. A bad health episode can put everything on hold.

    xoxo
    SLV



  182.  #182kaitlyn on March 26, 2011 at 9:20 am

    I’ve been focussing on healing those insecurities since my return to scouring this site upon Adam no-contacting me after a few post-HK convos where I could feel his trust gone no matter how truthfully I answered his questions to assuage him the truth-

    IT WAS JUST FOR MONEY AND I ONLY BANGED THE JOHN TWICE THERE CUZ I AVOIDED HIM AT ALL COSTS AS I ROAMED THE DIM SUM SCENTED STREETS.

    He also didn’t like how I kept bringing up what I told him before the trip, “I don’t feel secure in the relationship anymore. I didn’t even get a freakin’ Christmas present, which you initiated and asked me all my sizes btw.” Now I read Tinque and feel wrong and unenlightened for making such a big deal about it.

    Then shite hits the fan and I’m back to Rori and ground control to Major John Gray shifting through Mars and Venus.

    So yeah, I’ve realized where I went wrong with my insecurities, expectations, agendas, and not mishandling my triggers.

    Hard to get past it when you awake with a pit in your stomach every morning because YOU were a dumbass who couldn’t see she had a quality, marriage-minded man who adored her with mutual connection and a past job history together.

    I’d love to heal. Bring it on. But now I have the rest of my life, even if I end up meeting ‘the one,’ to know Adam will never respect me again.

    If I heal, I will attract a better man, sure. But it’s hard to feel this when…I don’t know…I feel worried I learned so much, evolved so much. For naught. Because he’s probably not returning.

    I hear stories of people who grow old and fall asleep alone to QVC because they mishandled ‘the one.’



  183.  #183Prairie Girl on March 26, 2011 at 9:21 am

    168: Jilly says:

    awwww PG…that’s so sweet of you…thank you…and you’re funny…i’m glad you are moving on from LMCB? he was taking your oxygen away…just sayin’ 🙂
    ——————————
    Oh MAN! He was! I couldn’t see it until I was gasping for air and blew my top! Then he walked away cause I didn’t make HIM feel good…

    wow… yes… he was taking away my oxygen..

    he posted lyrics from that song “jar of hearts” last week on his FB and I thought dang that’s about YOU to me… then I saw the video.. and in it the guys are stealing the breath away from the girls!…

    Hugs!
    PG



  184.  #184Prairie Girl on March 26, 2011 at 9:22 am

    Jar of hearts video…
    http://youtu.be/8v_4O44sfjM
    PG



  185.  #185kaitlyn on March 26, 2011 at 9:24 am

    i meant mishandling my triggers.



  186.  #186Prairie Girl on March 26, 2011 at 9:28 am

    Here’s a Prairie Girl “positive thought” song for the day…

    I know your eyes have cried,
    Too many tears and, I know,
    You’ve thought sometimes,
    You’d be better off alone
    But I’m not those other guys,
    I know what I found when I found you,
    So climb in and let me show you what a real love can do,
    ‘Cause some things last forever,
    So c’mon baby, lets go down together

    Like Willie’s guitar,
    Geronimo’s rifle,
    I’ll hold you steady,
    As Billy Graham’s bible,
    I can promise you now,
    Our love will last,
    Baby your heart is in good hands

    I know you’re hungry for,
    Something that’ll take your breath away,
    And I’m here to help you find it,
    Put a smile back on your face,
    Roll down life’s highway,
    With the freedom of a song,
    We’ll fight for what we believe in,
    And keep out faith strong,
    Cause sometimes a love like this,
    Can make a man, twice the man he is

    Like Willie’s guitar,
    Geronimo’s rifle,
    I’ll hold you steady,
    As Billy Graham’s bible,
    I can promise you now,
    Our love will last,
    Baby your heart is in good hands

    When they write our life story,
    We’ll go out, in a blaze of glory

    Like Willie’s guitar,
    Geronimo’s rifle,
    I’ll hold you steady,
    As Billy Graham’s bible,
    I can promise you now,
    Our love will last,
    Baby your heart is in good hands
    Baby your heart is in good hands

    http://youtu.be/vLBor6KZl00

    I’ll be putting it on the Ipod later today…lol

    PG



  187.  #187Corin on March 26, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Kaitlyn (183) the One keeps coming back until you are ready. If he doesn’t keep coming back, then he’s not the One and has helped you to get closer to the right person when it’s time.



  188.  #188Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Kaitlyn,

    Perhaps it’s a very bad advice, but did you think about telling him all this?

    Or just calling him and talking about the weather at first?

    Doesn’t have to be now.

    If you do, you have to be ready to be rejected for various (including painful) reasons.

    If this is a loosing control trigger/battle for you in any way, this call may throw you off your horse for a while.

    I believe that true love does miracles. Or you get to know that whatever the reality is may not be ALL your fault.



  189.  #189kaitlyn on March 26, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Alonka,

    You mean about how my insecurities got the best of me, etc? I didn’t. Because I didn’t know that yet until further Rori study when Adam went no-contact on me. And, of course, I can’t call him up now and tell him this. That would be chasing, pursuing- very much masc energy and inefficient. Besides, he’s got a lot of career deadlines before his European tour next week. The last person he wants to hear from while he’s trying to focus is his ex gf the happy hooker.



  190.  #190Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 9:48 am

    @170: Alonka says:
    “…Even to think that I was always the one dying to have a real family and this is exactly what’s not happening…”

    But you do have a “real family.” You have you and you have a son! I have the same situation. I was divorced when my son was very young. When I realized that my fertile days were ending, I felt a loss for a while…not exactly a regret because there wasn’t much I could do or would want to do. It was a bit unsettling for a year or so..

    But… now that I have grandchildren. Whoopee! I have the best of all worlds. They love me so much; I live a few blocks away and see them whenever I want and I’m “officially on call.” hahaha. LOL

    But now I want to concentrate on me…

    You will come to terms with it I’m sure. If you really want a baby, chances are you can have one. There is also the chance that the life you are living is playing out the way that will bring you a lot of happiness. You might meet and marry someone who has children and doesn’t want to start all over again with diapers and pre-school. Many things can happen.

    You are a mother already. That is a blessing.

    xoxo
    SLV



  191.  #191Lilybelle on March 26, 2011 at 9:49 am

    165:

    Yay Corin!!

    You took my feelings and put them in black and white.



  192.  #192T-Girl on March 26, 2011 at 9:49 am

    @84 Denise,

    It doesn’t sound like you two are exclusive if he is seeing those other women. I really think you need to start circular dating, taking your attention off of him and back onto you.



  193.  #193Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 9:53 am

    @174: Corin

    Thanks for your kind words; I feel good to be appreciated. It works both ways too and I learn so much more here than I give.

    xoxo
    SLV



  194.  #194kaitlyn on March 26, 2011 at 9:54 am

    “Kaitlyn (183) the One keeps coming back until you are ready”

    Corin, please don’t tell me the drug addict i dated last year is The One. Ugh. lol



  195.  #195Lilybelle on March 26, 2011 at 9:55 am

    “I hear stories of people who grow old and fall asleep alone to QVC because they mishandled ‘the one.’”

    I fall asleep now to QVC. 😉

    That is a dangerous channel, better to be sleeping that more broke than I already am. lol There is a silver ring with pearls on it that I want so bad. It isn’t that expensive but its not in my budget and I can’t stop thinking about it. I DESIRE that ring SO much.



  196.  #196Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 10:01 am

    SLV,

    Thank you 😉 And thanks for sharing.



  197.  #197Corin on March 26, 2011 at 10:03 am

    Kaitlyn, how funny!
    What would it take from you (exactly) to forgive yourself for what happened?
    You chose to do what you did for a very real reason. The person you were when you made that decision was doing the best they could.



  198.  #198Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 10:03 am

    Kaitlyn

    See you’re so much wiser than I am. My approach would be that our connection is the most important thing and I wouldn’t even consider that he may be busy because of his job. I’d act as if he were the same as me and our relationship is above anything else for him too.



  199.  #199Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 10:04 am

    @183: kaitlyn says:
    “…I hear stories of people who grow old and fall asleep alone to QVC because they mishandled ‘the one.’…”

    Those are just stories, stories that people tell themselves when they are feeling depressed. There is no “The One.” There are lots of “ones.” I suggest staying away from searches for “The One” and avoiding QVC. IMHO, of course.

    😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  200.  #200Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 10:14 am

    Kaitlyn, I was in a very similar situation many yrs ago. I’m not sure now tht leaning back fully applies to such a case. I didn’t get why M couldn’t just forgive me and pick up where we left off – until yrs later in my marriage when my h did similar to ME – then I knew how devastating it felt and how M musta felt. 🙁 If I could have a do-over I wld acknowledge his devastation and anger and give NO excuses or justification for my behavior (“he meant nothing to me” etc). I wld understand his



  201.  #201Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 10:16 am

    I must, must come into the 21st century as my son teases me. My new phone has been in box for two days and I don’t know how to use it–I wasn’t too good with the old one music whatever video phone either. Now I have to learn how to text, use Internet on phone.

    Next must learn how to do my music thingie/video/mp3 whatchamacallit because want to put my W.I.S.H downloads on that.

    And I broke a piece off my printer/scanner want to fix that because nothing on it working and I want scan and upload some pics.

    Also friend in Australia wants me to get on SKYPE, and I’ve never done that!!!

    I am in tech horrorville…. and trying to wade my way through. I keep procrastinating over these devices…avoiding each weekend ..now …something must be done.

    xoxo
    SLV



  202.  #202Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Haha did you hear this joke.. Two young men dating and one says – I don’t know if the girl I’m dating is the ONE but when I’m old I don’t want to be alone so that there’s no one around to give me a glass of water when needed. The other guy says – I want to enjoy many different women and not settle down. Years pass, both grow old. The meet again.. the player guy says – you were so right, I spent my life alone and there’s no one to give me a glass of water.. the married guy says: I’M NOT THIRSTY!



  203.  #203Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 10:19 am

    understand his lack of trust and ANY concerns/issues he had around it. I effed up. Period. There is no excuse. And I miss him and hope that he will give me a chance to love him the way he deserves to be loved. May sound like groveling to some who haven’t been thru this type of thing.



  204.  #204Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 10:29 am

    I agree that you have to forgive yourself too. I realize I may have manifested my marriage situation as a way to punish myself for what I did to M. 🙁



  205.  #205T-Girl on March 26, 2011 at 10:35 am

    SLV – can you post a link to the W.I.S.H. downloads? I think I missed the original post.



  206.  #206Laughing Goddess on March 26, 2011 at 10:49 am

    SLV: What? I always thought of you as a computer genius?



  207.  #207Laughing Goddess on March 26, 2011 at 10:51 am

    SLV: what kind of new phone do you have?



  208.  #208Brenda on March 26, 2011 at 10:56 am

    Corin,

    RE: #103 – Welcome! I know the feeling of vulnerability! I used to almost totally isolate myself, a couple of decades ago. Since I’ve been on this blog for almost a year, I’ve steadily been pushing myself out of my comfort zone!

    And if you’ve been here a few months, you’ve probably seen that sometimes it can feel kinda bloody and brutal! LOL! What Tinque taught me is that what matters is MY personal healing, and I have found really deep, huge healing thru the wonderful women on this blog and Rori! Tinque said it doesn’t matter what the naysayers say, because if someone is saying something hurtful and cutting, it is their judgments and their issues, not mine.

    So I have forged on ahead, and, despite feeling stung more than a few times, I can say it was worth it, and being on here has been more beneficial to me than years of therapy!



  209.  #209T-Girl on March 26, 2011 at 10:58 am

    How is this for CD’ing myself: I found a place right down the street from me that is holding a beginners ballroom dance class TONIGHT for only $10! It is so out of my comfort zone, but I think I am going to do it!



  210.  #210Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 10:59 am

    Alonka is there an underlying fear that might have attracted this? Is there any such history in your family? Is there a belief that you might be able to change?



  211.  #211Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 10:59 am

    Having connectivity problems



  212.  #212Laughing Goddess on March 26, 2011 at 11:00 am

    So the power came back on last night. What a treat! It’s still storming and quite possible that it will go out again. LI is rushing around getting things ready.

    He’s doing the dishes, and had the generator ready, and making us tea, and generally just getting prepared so that if it does go out we will be ready.

    Last night he shoveled the walkway and fixed the drip in the kitchen faucet.

    Meanwhile, I get to take a bath and surf the Internet.

    This feels awesome!

    And just a month ago I was so livid when he didn’t take the storms coming seriously.

    I feel really good. I’ve been listening to the recordings from Rori’s teleclass and there is a bunch I want to share.

    One thing she said is the only way man makes the first cut is if he is interested in us. She said that is the baseline. He must be interested in us first.

    Another thing she said is that there will be no blaming. No blaming ourselves and also no blaming the man. She said just to get away from the whole vibration of blame.

    These were the two that jumped out to me the most.



  213.  #213Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 11:00 am

    Yay T-Girl It will help your groove



  214.  #214Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 11:04 am

    RE 205 Lucy that feels so sad. I happy that you are working on healing that.



  215.  #215Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 11:07 am

    I agree about the vibration of blame because it pulls down my vibe generally, keep me in the victim position and prevents me from being positive and moving forward. When I am in the presence of people who use it I feel rankled and feel like I want to run away. It also keep me tunnel visioned focus so I can’t see the good in the things and people around me.



  216.  #216Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 11:07 am

    I have not fully healed it as yet but I am moving in that direction and it feels good when I am not there.



  217.  #217Laughing Goddess on March 26, 2011 at 11:09 am

    I really can’t recommend the teleclass enough.

    Another thing I really like about it is that even though all of us ladies have different things going on in our lives, Rori says that we are all very similar in that we are type
    A, highly functioning women.

    Everything that she says to the other women applies to me as well.

    Oh, it’s just so helpful!

    I feel happy and hopeful.



  218.  #218Laughing Goddess on March 26, 2011 at 11:12 am

    FW re: 216

    That is my experience as well.

    Xoxo



  219.  #219LD on March 26, 2011 at 11:13 am

    Jilly,

    Re#133

    I’ve decided not to have a timeline set for my no sex boundary. I don’t need to hold out on having sex until I’m married-I used sex to get commitment in my past because I felt guilty for having sex outside of marriage, and that only caused me to have a string of long term relationships that were never going anywhere because I wasn’t working on my issues.

    I have broken my no sex boundary twice in 2 years. Last year it was with Mr.Perfect, who I thought at the time was The One. But his job got in the way and he was only in town sporadically. To be quite honest, he disappeared after we had sex only twice. He “finished” almost immediately with me (which has happened alot to me in my life) and was embarrassed and said I intimidated him sexually. He disappeared soon after, and my self esteem took a hit.

    The second time was just in February with THE EX after not having seen him in over a year and a half. I had a GREAT time and drove away knowing I was over him and not caring about the outcome. It’s the closest I’ve ever come in my life to truly “hooking up” casually.

    What I’ve discovered is I have problems when I have sex before I feel safe emotionally with a man, but I also have problems when I repress myself too much sexually. It’s kind of like going on a diet and saying I’m gonna stop eating cookies, and then I start thinking about cookies even more than I did before if that makes sense.

    I was actually planning to have sex with IntenseChemistryGuy a month ago when he came back, but of course he disappeared on me as well, not sure what happened or why.

    So now I’ve decided I’ll have sex with ministerCD if and when it FEELS RIGHT. He has already earned my trust and made me feel safe in a couple of different ways. We talk in depth every day, and I feel like I know him better than my other CDs who are local and I’ve seen more often, but don’t really have in depth conversations about hopes, dreams and goals with.

    MinisterCD is OK with heavy making out too, which I like alot. I feel comfortable that I can relax and show him some of my passionate side and not feel worried he’s gonna get upset if I get him worked up and don’t follow through with sex. So I really feel like I’m in control and it’s about when I feel ready, and that feels good.

    It would feel great to have a lover over the summer since my kids are going to be spending the whole summer with their dad, but I’m letting go of putting a timeline on anything in either direction…



  220.  #220Laughing Goddess on March 26, 2011 at 11:13 am

    Yay T-girl! Ballroom dance? Ohhhhh, I’ve always wanted to do that. Please let us know how it goes.



  221.  #221Laughing Goddess on March 26, 2011 at 11:19 am

    FW: do you have any feedback about me and my electricity issue?

    It has gone out 6 times in the past month and at least 8 or 9 times over the course of the winter.

    I’m wondering if it means something symbolically. Why am I attracting this into my experience? I wonder if it has something to do with my own energy or power system. Like maybe I’m not taking care of my own energy and it is showing up in my life like this?

    I dunno. It’s kind of esoteric but I wonder.

    Do you have any insights?



  222.  #222Laughing Goddess on March 26, 2011 at 11:24 am

    LD- it feels so good to hear your take on sex.

    I must admit, I feel so confused hearing about a horny minister. 🙂

    I know it’s my own blocks but I just have this image in my head of how a minister is supposed to be…and it’s not horny.

    But actually, now that I’m talking about it, it feels kinda cool.

    Of course he has a sex drive…he’s human.

    Anyway, I’m just processing this for myself cuz I have some blocks about it.

    I’m so happy to hear he is treating you well and you feel good around him.



  223.  #223Laughing Goddess on March 26, 2011 at 11:29 am

    I live near Mammoth! I’ve never been there but I must agree that there are lots of hotties around here.

    Lillybelle, Kaitlyn, and Jilly…may I come be your wingwoman?



  224.  #224Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 11:36 am

    LG!! you do NOT!! lol you live in heaven then???? lol i swear Mammoth is my heaven on earth…but…it’s changed so much since i’ve lived there and there were only 2!! stop lights in town 🙂

    yes..yes you are getting lots of storms! i haven’t seen a wall of snow as big as the one in the parking lot of the mountain EVER!!

    and yes you are absolutely invited!! 🙂 oh i think it would be so fun to have a real get together someday..

    everyone is invited!! we can start at Mammoth and end up at Brenda’s for a pool party! 🙂 i think i would need a vacation after that vacation 😉



  225.  #225Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 11:46 am

    Thanks, FW. Yes, I have let go of the need to punish myself. That’s why I feel good knowing that WH didn’t want to continue with me bc he didn’t want to hurt me – I am no longer attracting relationships designed to hurt and punish me. My first relationship after M was waayy punishing, as was my marriage. No more. And I’m grateful that my experience with WH showed me this growth and helped solidify it.



  226.  #226LD on March 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

    LG,

    It threw me for a loop as well about the horny minister, and what threw me even more was developing sexual feelings for HIM. I didn’t think I was capable of that, but it has progressed very naturally. A couple of sirens here pointed out that minister is his job and maybe even his calling, but he is first and foremost a MAN, and I have to look at him as that. He himself has told me that being a minister has caused some trouble in his dating life, which is understandable. I feel comfortable with it now and it does feel kinda cool to know that ministers are just human like the rest of us.

    He did say that when he is preaching he is able to be in a different place and not be distracted by pretty women etc, but he also said he’s not sure he could handle it if I was in his congregation LOL

    He says grace before we eat and doesn’t swear or drink at all, but sneaks to second base when we kiss and loves it when I wear sexy high heels. It really is kinda cool…



  227.  #227Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 11:51 am

    LD..thank you for sharing that with me…

    i usually have sex early on before i’m really ready (because i have picked these men who are natural seducers) and i want to wait until i feel good about it this time…

    but i don’t want to think too much about it either

    ” So now I’ve decided I’ll have sex with ministerCD if and when it FEELS RIGHT. He has already earned my trust and made me feel safe in a couple of different ways. We talk in depth every day, and I feel like I know him better than my other CDs who are local and I’ve seen more often, but don’t really have in depth conversations about hopes, dreams and goals with.”

    I love this!! hotpilot makes me feel safe..only a few more hours 😉

    LD…how long have you been CDing minister?..i can’t remember..



  228.  #228Laughing Goddess on March 26, 2011 at 11:52 am

    Jilly: sounds so fun!!!

    I live closer to the tahoe area but definitely in the whole mountain ski zone.

    And yes, there is tons of snow. I just read that this is a record breaking year for snow up here.

    Holy cow! I’m glad to hear this isn’t normal. It’s my second real winter after living in Hawaii for years and its kinda freaking me out.

    The weather forecast for Monday says “abundant sun”. I love that!!!



  229.  #229Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 11:53 am

    FW,

    ‘Alonka is there an underlying fear that might have attracted this? Is there any such history in your family? Is there a belief that you might be able to change?’

    Hmm, what is this question in reference to?



  230.  #230Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 11:55 am

    @206: T-Girl says:

    “…SLV – can you post a link to the W.I.S.H. downloads? I think I missed the original post…”

    Subscribe for current access. There are about 25 more MP3s to go out of 40 or so:
    wishsummit dot com

    Past calls at this link:
    http://www.wishsummit.com/all-calls

    xoxo
    SLV



  231.  #231Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Lucy…i’m not sure if you saw that i responded to your question from a few posts back…if you did did any of that resonate with you?

    hope you are recovering well! 🙂



  232.  #232LD on March 26, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    Jilly,

    We’ve been talking since the end of January, but I only met him in person a month ago since he lives in a different town. We’ve actually only had 3 “real” dates, which is why I was concerned about the convo turning to sex so fast after our last date last week when we made out. (we have another date tomorrow night) I feel like it is a big turn on for him that I don’t treat him like a minister when we talk, but like a man. I don’t think he’s had a lot of success with that in the past. So I think that intensifies his attraction for me. (That and the fact that he’s now copped a feel of my fabulous girls lol)



  233.  #233Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    @208: Laughing Goddess says:
    “…SLV: what kind of new phone do you have?…

    Some little generic something with a keyboard and Internet. I have a manual so I’ll be reading it this weekend. I wish I were a computer genius. hahaha. I do the best I can with the basics I learned long ago and struggle to keep up, adding on new tech as I go.

    These are all external devices. I’ll figure them out sooner or later. I just take my time these days… no one to answer to but myself… 😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  234.  #234Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    Denise…you sound very grounded and stable 🙂 i loved Brenda’s revision of the feeling messages….keep us posted with your situation and good luck!

    T-girl…awesome on the dance class…that sounds like a really good deal 🙂



  235.  #235luzydel on March 26, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    Trying to “release” this nod…What is it that I am feeling?

    I feel unmotivated
    disappointed
    sad
    turned off
    like crying
    hopeless
    insecure
    unloved
    disrespected
    unwanted
    I cannot forgive myself
    Not good enough
    un deserving
    ugly
    depressed
    lonely
    apathy
    I’m close to the bridge, but I can’t cross it
    I can’t let go
    I want to cry
    I am the one who is hiding
    I am the one not letting love inside

    I need to release this!! I need to be free!!



  236.  #236Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    @210: T-Girl says:
    “…How is this for CD’ing myself: I found a place right down the street from me that is holding a beginners ballroom dance class TONIGHT for only $10! It is so out of my comfort zone, but I think I am going to do it!…”

    That is a great CD. Do it! I want to do that too. I think the gym I want to join has salsa lessons so I’m going to check those as soon as I’m able.

    Woowee!

    xoxo
    SLV



  237.  #237Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    LD! i love it! you definitely have a siren vibe lol “copped a feel” hilarious 🙂 of course he wants more!!!! 🙂



  238.  #238luzydel on March 26, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    I feel afraid…



  239.  #239Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    Jilly,

    May I ask you this.. You once mentioned that the pipeliner was the best lover you had.. What did it mean? Was he the most tender/attentive to your needs guy?

    I never have sex early (except for once on a 4th date spent the night with someone I was crazy about, but it was mainly kisses and being together, no sex). So I don’t understand about being with ‘seducers’. Sometimes I feel that even ‘seducers’ couldn’t seduce me.. I need to really fall for them and early on I just don’t yet.



  240.  #240Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    Hmmm…horny ministers… I feel surprised by this convo. I have a lot of experience with ministers and I didn’t know they had a non-horny reputation. lol. My very first boyfriend was studying to become a minister and he was trying to prepare me to be “a pastor’s wife” and lots of sex was a huge part of that to him. He told me about how much he masturbated etc. Have also been close friends with several ministers and have relatives that are ministers and missionaries. My missionary bil has a wandering eye an



  241.  #241Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    and is very into porn. The pastor of my old church (who I was friends with) was very seductive with me while we were both married. Lots of other experiences too, so it feels amusing to read contrasting perceptios on here. 🙂



  242.  #242Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    Jilly, I think I missed it. What number is it? Am using phone so it’s hard to search…



  243.  #243sweetmandm on March 26, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    Hi beautiful Women…….I wish for you a most beautiful day, one filled with encouragement and peace!

    I am a SIREN feel me, hear me, smell me from many miles away…….

    Buying comfortable AND SEXY lingerie and wearing it to bed, although you are wearing it for NO one else is a great thing to do to feel more feminine. I will continue to do it more often!!

    I also promise myself the time to take more bubble baths once again. Those little things do wonders! 🙂

    I am strong, ALSO I AM FEMININE!

    I WILL enjoy more being so!

    I promise me!

    Hugs to you all! We are headed for awesome things, while on our journey together! 🙂

    I am very thankful that today is a great day!



  244.  #244Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    @242: Lucy says:

    … The pastor of my old church (who I was friends with) was very seductive …”

    My perception is pretty much the same as yours and you can add on they often have hordes of women in congregation after them seeking “enlightenment.” There are also personal characteristics of the most successful ones that make them very attractive… they are good speakers, communicators, good at “reading” people and often physically good looking with a strong presence.

    Do you even know any ministers who you could describe as “wimps?” I know of none.

    xoxo
    SLV



  245.  #245Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    Alonka…lol…where do i start? for the most part i’ve had great sex my whole life…there have only been a few that just didn’t do it for me and after sex was like…ewww and i had to end it cause i lost attraction…but i’ve been a serial monogamist so usually whomever i’m having sex with is my “boyfriend”

    but SECUCERS…oh Alonka you need to get you one of those!! lol…it’s like they know just what a woman wants..just how much to tease…just how aggressive to be and then pull back to tenderness…just how much foreplay…just the fact that they know without a word from you is such a turn on!! of course my moaning helps 😉

    sex just gets better and better for me..the last 3 “serious” (take that word with a grain of salt) men have been fabulous in bed!! and with pipeliner we have become so in sync we come together almost everytime and it feels super intoxicating and i can’t think and my body collapses afterward…like a steamy romance novel…and he is soooo turned on by me and that makes me soooo turned on and it’s like we both feed off of that feeling together…

    but i don’t do anything out of the ordinary…no toys or kinkyness or self pleasuring in front of him…i haven’t felt the need to go there..maybe one day…



  246.  #246sweetmandm on March 26, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    I am off to meet up with a CD and am not excited to be out with him, but I choose to look at it for what it is and I will expiriment much. Again I promise me to practice and learn. ,,,,that can only be positive right?! ;>



  247.  #247Laughing Goddess on March 26, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    LD: I’m realizing that I’ve had very little personal interactions with ministers. All I really have is an archetype in my mind.

    I’m really enjoying that this is blowing my mind a bit.

    Now it seems pretty hot…a spiritual man who is in touch with his sexuality.

    Yum!



  248.  #248Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    basically for a seducer…i say no…not yet…the more i say no the more they want me the more they want me…the more turned on i get… the more they pursue until this cycle is repeated so many times and everything feels so intense I just CANT SAY NO!!! it’s impossible! and then the SEX is mind blowing 🙂 yum!! i cant wait!!lol



  249.  #249Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    Lucy…i’ll go find it…but i have to go get ready so it might take a little bit 🙂

    sweetmanmd..go get ’em 🙂 yes i love sleeping in sexy sleep wear even if im alone! 🙂



  250.  #250Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    Jilly,

    Thanks! I do feel that I’m missing out on this.. but I don’t know how to change it. I’m not attracted to men enough to sleep with them if they’re not a long-term material for me. I like the way a hot movie star looks like, but I don’t want him in my bed! Am I a freak? I want someone who I can mentally and emotionally relate to. Otherwise I’m just not present and never get excited enough.

    With this last guy I dated.. I don’t know how to say this.. I got attached to him emotionally, but sexually I never felt that he could really ‘take’ me, impress me.

    I need to feel that they’re smarter then me, stronger than me and care about me very much – then I get really excited. Now I totally feel like a freak 😉



  251.  #251Daria on March 26, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    Mm. I can ‘hear’ guys’ judgements of me when I’m around them. ?? 🙁

    Og says to focus more oneself and on my own thoughts.

    Not let people dominate me.

    Ugh.

    I can manifest own thoughts or wat?

    How can I use the ability that I can hear their judgements ? 🙁

    It feels like … Unsafe. 🙁

    Ugerburger



  252.  #252Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    Lucy…found it pretty quick…”if you’re not into the good guys” 2 posts back and you posted to me @2140 and i answered @2240…it’s kind of a book so i didn’t want to repost it here 🙂

    Alonka…you are not a freak…i only sleep with men if i can see a future…i guess i see alot of futures lol but that’s how they make me feel…they are smart (i typically date 10 years older), strong manly manly men and they do care about me…i’m usually the one that ends it if it’s been a long term thing 🙁 but i’m ready to settle down with my man 🙂 and i’ve been dating only 3 to 4 years older and i like that…



  253.  #253Daria on March 26, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    I am practicing manifesting. This is my fun activity for me.



  254.  #254Daria on March 26, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    Yeah I believe we can have a future with Any good man 🙂



  255.  #255Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    oh Daria! congrats on your new place…how’s the painting going? are you still feeling excited about it?



  256.  #256Daria on March 26, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    Well I can



  257.  #257Daria on March 26, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    Yes I’m sitting in the living room of the main house:)

    I’m feeling super excited.:)



  258.  #258Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    Daria,

    Right, maybe I don’t WANT a future with any good man lol.

    Jilly, ok, guess I wasn’t lucky to be approached by the ones I really like that often!

    And I get soooo hang up on the rear ones that I like, that I don’t see anyone else around 😉



  259.  #259Daria on March 26, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    I am simply practicing manifesting ‘something better’ at the advice of my intuition.



  260.  #260Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    SLV, yes, I have observed those things about ministers as well – particularly in large churches. Their charisma is part of what makes the church grow. I have known some who do not fit this description – and their churches are small. I love my current small church with our kindly 60 yo big overweight teddy bear pastor who is probably only sexy to his dear wife. 🙂



  261.  #261Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    awesome…i am feeling excited for you 🙂
    and i heard a speaker once talk about hearing judgements because when a speaker is talking they know they are being judged…and she said that she just “includes” the judgements in her reality and keeps moving right along…that felt really good to hear…i “hear” judgements all the time working in a man dominated profession and i try and do that…doesn’t always work but im aware of it 🙂



  262.  #262Lorelei on March 26, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    HI everyone

    An online guy suggested talking on the phone. He’s a very long shot as he is 13 years older than me but it’s a new site and I’m talking to all who contact me. That’s a big age difference – I’m 50. I don’t want to be with someone who ‘feels’ like the next generation up, or, worse, who feels like my father.

    He said something about talking on the phone, so I replied with my usual line: “I don’t feel comfortable calling men until I know them quite well.” But he completely failed to think of him phoning me, and sent back his phone number, and is now urging me to call him, when I feel comfortable, or even soon.

    I feel more and more turned off . . I don’t want to give him my number and say ‘I would feel more comfortable if you called me”

    I’ve gone off him. But I’m too tired to be able to tell if I’m just screening him out appropriately, or closing down to him. Bleugh.



  263.  #263Daria on March 26, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    Alonka – ugh I hate that! I am up to one uberattractive man every 6 months.

    I’m trying to make it like everyday but maybe I’m not ready for that?

    I feel too overwhelmed.

    Anyways at least they come back.

    I feel desperate for attractive men! Ugh

    I need sex!

    I think that’s the lesson

    Or I can use this sexual energy with my mind and judgement and intuition.

    Recipe.



  264.  #264Jilly on March 26, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    oh SLV….not yet!! 🙂 i start work again in exactly 4 weeks…my winter vacation is almost over…big sigh 😉

    ok FOR REAL…have to go get ready!!!



  265.  #265Daria on March 26, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    Lorelei – it does kinda sound like you don’t want to talk on the phone, not like you just don’t call guys.

    Tho I get that you might call a guy later when you know him
    But yeah it doesn’t come across…



  266.  #266Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    One of my relatives who pastors a large church was recently featured on that Oprah Network show that investigates reports of miracles.



  267.  #267Daria on March 26, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    Jilly – thank you! It feels so good to hear that other women share this experience! Wow liberating! 🙂



  268.  #268Lorelei on March 26, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    RE 263 – own post – or maybe I should just give him my number and use it as a practice call for feeling messages?

    NO – I get a strong feeling that I don’t want him to call me. I felt lectured at my one of his emails . . . And in the last but one email, he asked me to tell him honestly if I though it was worth phoning or meeting “because he couldn’t tell from my photo or what I wrote if it was.’

    I replied with several feeling messages about frankly feeling uncomfortable with such a large age gap and that I would feel more comfortable with someone closer to me in age.

    Then he replied saying his last few relationships were with women a ‘bit’ younger than him, and it was fine. And asking me again to call him.

    No, I don’t want to. I don’t like feeling pushed.

    He probably thinks he’s being sensitive by not insisting on calling me.

    Bleugh, I’m tired.



  269.  #269Daria on March 26, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    I think if a man is good it is safe to fall in love w him. And I believe – choose to believe – I can fall in love w any man I want to. By bonding w feminine energy and having sex… Will turn me on. And once I’m turned on I’m happy.

    I want to be in charge of my turnon and love. And good man is good for me. I can choose a good man cuz I can choose and actually fall in love w any man – once I have sex w him and ‘surrender’

    I am excited. What I want is more ‘good men’ for me closer now.

    Good attractive men. Intelligent men. Powerful lithe men.

    Amazing journey carpet ride men.

    For me.



  270.  #270Daria on March 26, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    All I got to do is follow my intuition and do ‘the next thing’



  271.  #271Prairie Girl on March 26, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    #246 Jilly
    but SECUCERS…oh Alonka you need to get you one of those!! lol…it’s like they know just what a woman wants..just how much to tease…just how aggressive to be and then pull back to tenderness…just how much foreplay…just the fact that they know without a word from you is such a turn on!!
    ——————————–
    Oh MY yes!…. whew… only get one w/a good heart… LMCB was a seducer for sure…. Oh MY OH MY…

    I don’t know how they do it, but it is so fun…
    PG



  272.  #272Daria on March 26, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Lorelei – ew no way! No wonder you gave him that message.

    Tell him
    U felt undervalued and are unsure whether there’s enuf attraction.

    I feel ick!!! Shakes.



  273.  #273Daria on March 26, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    I want to inspire Everyman to seduce me!

    Yes yes!

    I want to be seduced! 🙂



  274.  #274Lorelei on March 26, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    266 – Daria

    Hmm, well I often feel nervous, very nervous, about speaking with complete strangers on the phone, in first phone calls, but as we get to know each other, especially with some F2F meetings as well, it’s OK.
    I very much prefer to be able to see people, and I also feel spooked by too much relying on email, text and phone. I want live and face-to-face.



  275.  #275Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    @269: Lorelei says:
    “…Then he replied saying his last few relationships were with women a ‘bit’ younger than him, and it was fine…”

    Nothing to add but I’m always curious, when guys say that, if they’d pursue a woman who was a “bit younger than they” and if it would be fine. hmmm 😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  276.  #276Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    I got that one wrong… hahah LOL but the submit button got away from me…

    edited:

    276: Senior Lady Vibe says:
    @269: Lorelei says:
    “…Then he replied saying his last few relationships were with women a ‘bit’ younger than him, and it was fine…”

    Nothing to add but I’m always curious, when guys say that, if they’d pursue a woman who was a “bit older than they” and if it would be fine. hmmm

    xoxo
    SLV



  277.  #277Lilybelle on March 26, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    224: LG

    YAY!!! Let’s rent a great big, HUGE house together. Then we can be one another’s wing woman, cheering section and all round great friends.

    YAY!!! I’m almost done packing now.



  278.  #278Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    Lorelei, when a man gives me his number I just respond by giving him mine and a smiley face. Painless and makes the point. Also, I prefer men closer to my age BUT my sister’s hubby is 12 yrs older and they are happily married for 20+ yrs with 4 kids. (this is not the one who is a missionary.) She is 46.



  279.  #279luzydel on March 26, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    i was talking with a possible CD over the phone, and I was so bad. I acted with apathy and sort of tried to make him feel that he should not pursue me. I was such a turn off. still he wants to meet me. lol



  280.  #280Lorelei on March 26, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Hi SLV – yeah – and somehow that’s a bit of a turn-off as well . .

    Oh, I’m just feeling tired anyway (late night and a full days work today), and I seem to be feeling negative about this guy in particular. If I was less tired, I might say OK, I will give him my number, and say I would feel more comfortable if he called me. But I’m too tired to take a call this evening, and I”m working all day tomorrow . . . and can’t take his call during work.

    Here’s what I will do. Purely for practice at being a Siren and doing some siren tools, I will send him the message and be open to a call. Shutting down this early is a bit weird.

    I know why I’m shutting down, but it’s a long story, and I have to go to bed, I don’t want to type it all in, I feel so tired. Another time!



  281.  #281Lorelei on March 26, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    Lucy – 270 – genius! I feel too tired to come up with anything that elegant and simple.

    Good night!



  282.  #282Lorelei on March 26, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    277 _ SLV

    I feel so tired and blurry that I actually read it as how he would feel if it was the other way round!!



  283.  #283Lilybelle on March 26, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    229: LG, Jilly, LD

    Uh oh,

    Now you have me thinking about sex with HotGentleMan…

    Uh Oh.

    And, as you are aware, it’s date night…And, date #5

    Uh oh..

    *gulp*



  284.  #284Lilybelle on March 26, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    251:

    ~You are no freak, Alonka.

    I can get turned on just by looking at a photo of a rock hard chest…I don’t care if he has marbles in his brain at this point. I am a very visual person. So much so that if you tell me a story, I will see it in my mind.

    It happens here every time I read something one of the Siren’s has posted. I can see all the snow at LG’s, the fire in the fire place. I saw her out in her car one time, charging her phone…I even saw you out on your date last night, wine on the table, menus, etc…people around…I’ve seen the men around FW at her work…soaking up her goddessness… Whatever it is, I see it.

    The list goes on. Some people aren’t visual in that way. And, are turned on by things that you are. Sure as hell doesn’t make you a freak.

    It just is. This makes it very easy for someone to lead me on a verbal fantasy as well and it can make sex extremely hot. I don’t tell this to men when I first meet and some that I have told, didn’t use it to their advantage. 😉

    HotGentleMan knows this about me. I sense him waiting to “pounce”.

    Do any other Sirens have this visual thingy?



  285.  #285Brenda on March 26, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    Jilly,

    RE: #225 – LOL! I didn’t end up getting the live in position at the pool and pond and camp. But I am still hoping I end up where there’s a pool!



  286.  #286Brenda on March 26, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    Jilly,

    RE: #235 – Thank you!



  287.  #287Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    Lillybelle, yes, I am very visual like that too. Jilly, I can’t access that thread on my phone but might borrow my son’s laptop later. Thx for finding it.



  288.  #288Daria on March 26, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    I just realized that no matter how humiliated or desperate I get, it doesnt change the FACT that I’m a gift! 🙂



  289.  #289Daria on March 26, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    So I’ve decided that from now in, instead of calling men, to attract them… Which Diesnt work anyway,

    I am going to do a me focused beautifying or pleasing event

    And That will actually attract the menmsgically



  290.  #290Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    Daria,

    What’s going on, why are you humiliated??



  291.  #291Daria on March 26, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    This feels really uncomfortable to say… I’m Gina say it for me, if it helps me

    I am touching my nani on the couch lol!

    I mean I’m Layin on the couch

    Voices: oh those boys don’t know what they’re missing

    But they never come around

    Hmm

    Boys never come around

    Is thus true?

    Sigh 🙁

    It feels bad it must not he

    I am practicing manifesting ‘something netter’

    What’s next intuition?

    Smoke an bears



  292.  #292Daria on March 26, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    Oh hmm .. Alonka, just replaying past events in my
    Mind, and noticing habitual shaming and desperate thoughts.

    I’m not good enough

    I’m not gona get what I want.

    noticing and realizing no matter how embarrassed I am around men, I’m a gift no matter what



  293.  #293Prairie Girl on March 26, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    270: Daria says:

    I think if a man is good it is safe to fall in love w him. And I believe – choose to believe – I can fall in love w any man I want to. By bonding w feminine energy and having sex… Will turn me on. And once I’m turned on I’m happy.

    I want to be in charge of my turnon and love. And good man is good for me. I can choose a good man cuz I can choose and actually fall in love w any man – once I have sex w him and ‘surrender’

    I am excited. What I want is more ‘good men’ for me closer now.

    Good attractive men. Intelligent men. Powerful lithe men.

    Amazing journey carpet ride men
    ——————————

    Wow Daria, that is really good… Good to remember I can (and often do {head smack}) fall in love w/anyone I choose… I just need to be pickier in who I choose…

    XOXO
    PG



  294.  #294Prairie Girl on March 26, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    289: Daria says:

    I just realized that no matter how humiliated or desperate I get, it doesnt change the FACT that I’m a gift! 🙂
    ————————-

    YES!!! YES!!!!… Damn… I AM a gift! YOU ARE a gift!!!! We are THE gift!!!! How can I forget that?.. Thank you.
    PG



  295.  #295Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    Daria..

    How can a beautiful smart girl be not ‘good enough’? I’ll tell you what’s not good enough lol. Pls don’t take it the wrong way and start comforting me, I don’t need that 😉

    It’s when a woman can’t start a family with a man, then she’s not ‘good enough’. When she can’t be a good wife and a mother to his children (given that’s what he wants) , it’s a real deal breaker. Everything else is fixable!! I know it doesn’t help enough to think that your situation is better that someone’s, but it is true. Just think about it. There are so many things that are ‘fixable’ if you put an effort in it. Please please don’t torture yourself for no good reason.



  296.  #296Eileen on March 26, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    Right now I am feeling like a jerk and need someone to talk to.



  297.  #297Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    Alonka, if you have even a couple eggs left, they can harvest them and then implant embryos. My brother and his wife did this and now have 6 yo twins- boy and girl. They went to a top-rated facility in MD.



  298.  #298Eileen on March 26, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    Alonka I don’t know a thing about your relationship, but you are more than a breeder. As a woman I can understand how important wanting children can be and that it can make you feel deficient, especially when young. However, children are a 20 year project more or less and hard work. Then they go off and have their own lives. Best be sure you and your man have something solid other than joint parenting.

    I know this may not help, I just want you to think better of yourself. If no kids is a deal breaker for him, then you really should think about is he right for you.



  299.  #299Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    Lucy,

    Thanks. Really, my dr said they need like 20 eggs to get a good result. I booked an appointment with another dr to get a 2nd opinion.

    Eileen,

    Thanks. I’m not even in a relationship, just being proactive 😉



  300.  #300T-Girl on March 26, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    I am having the best day. My daughter is with her dad this weekend – these are the weekends that I tend to focus on men, try to make dates and then get depressed if I an not successful.

    I decided not to carry my phone around with me, took myself to lunch, went and bought myself a bottle of good wine for later and went to the library and got The Soulmate Secret that SLV was reading. Tonight I will go to church and then to the ballroom dance class. I feel so content now, much more so that I have in the past.

    I am really enjoying the book! I just love this quote: “Bad things happen for good reasons – usually to clear out space for the good that is on the way”.



  301.  #301tinque on March 26, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    “please don’t torture yourself for no good reason.”

    Yes Alonka, please don’t…

    xxoo



  302.  #302Winnie on March 26, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    Alonka, ((((Hugs for you))))

    I know what you mean when you say “It’s when a woman can’t start a family with a man, then she’s not ‘good enough’. When she can’t be a good wife and a mother to his children (given that’s what he wants), it’s a real deal breaker.” That is what I am struggling with too.

    I’ve been aware of my infertility for about 5 years (44 now) and I’m still struggling with feeling inadequate. I have always wanted to have a family and want a man who does too. I’m prepared to think outside the box, and look at alternatives such as adoption, but I have fears about never finding a guy who would be ok with that. I know that the urge to see their genes continue is a strong one for men and a big part of them feeling masculine. I think that fear is what is holding me back from allowing myself to be totally vulnerable with a man.



  303.  #303Daria on March 26, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    Alonka – this feel uncomfortable for me. I know women I love who adopted children, like guywhos mom, and good men who love them and raised a family with them.



  304.  #304Daria on March 26, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Sometimes I worry I’m that kinda woman too, who can’t keep a family, is too scatterbrained and adventurous. Maybe I’d leave my family. I dong want to feel bad I want to feel fulfilled.



  305.  #305Daria on March 26, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    There’s also lots of men with their own children who would feel blessed with a mom



  306.  #306Daria on March 26, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    Also I believe anything can be healed andanifested with energy and herbal medicine.



  307.  #307Eileen on March 26, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Alonka, You had me really worried about you. You are not a breeder. You are a warm wonderful woman that a man would be blessed to have as his companion.



  308.  #308Eileen on March 26, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    Daria I am very big into herbals. I have neck problem I deal with that way and am doing very well. At 61 I do not have one chronic ailment due to nutritionals and herbals.

    Now please whack me up long side the head as I am just not connecting with the right man, trouble with setting boundaries and feeling down on myself.



  309.  #309Boomer on March 26, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    Hi, Sirens. Missed you.

    I have mentioned my guy friend Shawn before. He and I have been talking and emailing discussing our dating issues.

    Can you all help me craft a reply to him? I want to continue to explore our concepts, but I realize that I don’t really know how to articulate a lot of this stuff.

    He has had issues with a woman he really really liked, Suzanne, and kinda felt he made a fool of himself with (was more into her than she was into him). I guess she was very cool and aloof between dates. He says:

    “Bottom line, if you like me…cool. I’ll work hard to carve out time to be with you. If not…that’s cool too. But friggin let me KNOW somehow! Just showing up and being nice doesn’t mean a thing.”

    And then:

    “Why exactly does everything have to be HIS idea or it’s not real? What if it’s mutual, but the guy never knows that because men are idiots and women will never let on because of The Rules? A guy doesn’t want to make that leap if he isn’t getting any signals that it’s reciprocated. Subtle signals don’t work – say something. Call. Initiate things sometimes. Sure – you’re putting yourself out there a bit…but it’s only fair. If a woman isn’t putting herself out there, I start to feel like a stalker, and I have no desire or time to be somewhere I’m not wanted.”

    I never mentioned The Rules. That was his interpretation.

    So, does Shawn have a point? I have told him I suspect that his woman was doing all the leaning back but was not doing the open and inviting and appreciative part that is also inherently feminine–and that is why she seemed not to engage.

    What do you guys think?

    He goes on to say:

    “The idea that it all has to be the man’s idea is kind of anathema to actually having a connection, unless you (as a woman) are looking to be driven around and told what to do all the time. And personally – I’m not interested in that kind of relationship at all. I’m looking for an equal partner in crime, a friend, a lover certainly, a shoulder to lean on, someone to share both the pains and the joys in life- ok, sure Men are from Mars, Woman from Venus, etc, etc.- and aren’t those things taken for granted? But in the end, I’m personally looking for a strong woman who has a life, who doesn’t need me to tell her what to do, who initiates things without fear or willing to face the fear if she feels like connecting, who doesn’t need me to always be the decider – who maybe CONTRIBUTES to the process of getting to know each other. Men, as much as you would like us to be, ARE NOT psychics. God…far from it as you know. Perhaps when we say, “so whadayawanna do?” perhaps it’s not weak…perhaps it’s just us wanting to get to know the things YOU’RE into and maybe learn something new and cool in the process. That’s kind of what making friends is about. Why is it so much easier to get to know people when things are platonic? Why is it so much more difficult when sex is involved? The vulnerability factor and intrinsic insecurity of being nekkid physically and spiritually? I don’t know. If you can answer that one for me, you might give me the key to understanding the Universe. And in the end, with regard to not so Fabulous Suzanne…I’m profoundly disappointed.”

    So how do I answer Shawn? Is he representative of many men who don’t get why they have to “do all the work?”

    I really, really, really would like to hear from you all here. This is a critical point for me as well…I am finding that I’m not sure this “Rori Stuff” really works for me. Men seem to really NOT like it. Maybe it;s the men I’m meeting. Maybe I’m doing it “wrong.”

    How do I articulate this stuff honestly if I’m not sure myself????



  310.  #310Daria on March 26, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    Daria loves herself

    Daria loves her tummy

    Daria loves Chillin?

    So here’s my dilemma – I call a boy back that called me yesterday, he might be around the corner at getrights house, or I go home, or something else



  311.  #311Daria on March 26, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    I had decoded I was gona do something to beautify or please myself instead of call men … But what?



  312.  #312Daria on March 26, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    Boomer – how to answer what he thinks?

    You don’t

    I suggest Experimenting with leaning forward and picking up the slack – really pay attention to how you Feel . Then it will become clearer why we lean back (or not). It’s for us.

    Once we know we can be treated well , it feels bad to get less.



  313.  #313Boomer on March 26, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    PG:

    “Amazing journey carpet ride men.”

    Yes, please, I want some of those.



  314.  #314Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    @309: Eileen

    As you requested:

    WHACK ❗

    Now, tell me which nutritionals, herbals and any other supplements you are taking.
    😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  315.  #315Daria on March 26, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    Eileen – think gentle. Notice when you use harsh expressions and punishment such as ‘whak me long upside the head’. Gently notice and feel joyful because noticing means you have taken the first step.

    Then comfort yourself and choose soft, loving words .



  316.  #316Daria on March 26, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    This will help you make better choices with men



  317.  #317Tulip on March 26, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    Help. I like bad boys (or men as I am in my 40s). There is this guy at work who likes me. My boss say “He’s too nice for you!” He knows who I have been involved with so far. I just like guys who have an “edge” to them and it always gets me into trouble and I become fascinated by their “difficulty”.

    Actually I feel attracted to this guy, but what if my boss is right and I get feel bored or turned off with him…
    Why am I wondering he hasn’t asked me out yet! 🙂

    Has anyone got a positive a positive story on falling hard for a nice guy after being attracted to difficult ones?



  318.  #318Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    deleted that… hahahaha 😆



  319.  #319Lilybelle on March 26, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    310: Boomer.

    Funny, I had this conversation the other day with HotGentleMan who seems to feel the same way as your friend. I found it to be very interesting and thought provoking for me.

    I posted about it… Will be interested in this convo.



  320.  #320Eileen on March 26, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    LOL Thanks I needed that. Bumbed out the recent break up has already replaced me. Old flame out of state emailed, that’s a dead end. The one I have dated the last 2 months acts too cutesy and really doesn’t hear. The new one I just met Monday has a crazy work schedule. Whoops cell is ringing.

    For the neck and joints. Omega three, Zyflamend by New Chapter, Glucosamine, Chondroitin, MSM combo. Since I am past menopause, New Chapters Estertone. Vitamins are Rexall Cardio formula.



  321.  #321Prairie Girl on March 26, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    Boomer I think that it’s about balance and energy.. and I do NOT have it figured out… I’ve heard too from the guys that they don’t think I’m interested because they do not hear from me…

    But I DO get that my energy has to be “right” if I’m going to “lean forward”… and contact first…

    I’m playing with it with RoperCowboy… A few other of the boys calling act hurt when I don’t contact them…Today I was missing RCB and so texted him so… My energy was wacked BTW… I’m falling off my stilettos again… but he seems to roll with it well.. IDK why..

    He is so not the one/type that excites me usually.. but he is just so sweet and makes me feel sexy.. though not perfectly pretty.. or wordy like I’m normally attracted to…

    So when I was wacked I texted a new guy that called me the other day but I know is busy.. RancherGuy… he was very excited to hear from me…he’s working on a broke down truck at the moment.. we’ll see if he calls…Probably will since I don’t give a crap…except to use him to distract myself…

    I think it’s about balance… can we say what we want to do/have/feel and keep it about us?

    On a date.. “it would feel nice to go somewhere quiet”… “It would feel nice to get a bite to eat somewhere relaxed/fancy/unusual”….then lob the ball back to their court…Instead of whatever you want to do…

    I think maybe textiing sometimes just to let them know you think/miss them… but NOT when you’re WANTING them to do/act/behave/text back…

    But… this is all just the random thoughts of someone who rides a roller coaster… LOL… Eeek.. and doesn’t have any of this “figured” out…

    Angels on your body…
    PG



  322.  #322Prairie Girl on March 26, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Someone FW? posted an except from another of RR’s posts about how to know a man was the right one for you by how YOU felt… I need those things.. the things were were supposed to feel.. I did a “find” but can’t find it on this post or the last…

    Would someone be so kind as to repost it?
    Thank you!
    PG



  323.  #323Prairie Girl on March 26, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    LillyBelle! OMG thank you for your kind words…I cried… I felt so blessed and moved…
    Hugs, and angels on your body..
    PG



  324.  #324Lilybelle on March 26, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    324:

    Pg~ I heart you. Very much.

    lil



  325.  #325Lilybelle on March 26, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    I wonder if Keith Urban would welcome calls from his future wife??

    😉



  326.  #326Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 5:31 pm

    @321: Eileen says:
    “…For the neck and joints. Omega three, Zyflamend by New Chapter, Glucosamine, Chondroitin, MSM combo. Since I am past menopause, New Chapters Estertone. Vitamins are Rexall Cardio formula…”

    Thanks, Eileen. The glucosamine/chondroitin sounds especially good. I don’t know Zyflamend but for some reason it sounds vaguely familiar… I’m making note and putting your info in little folder I started with tinque’s information. She’s fabulous.

    It takes me forever to do things … but I eventually get “a round tuit.” I want to put things on a spreadsheet so I can compare regimens and combine them. There’s always something to do…

    Although past perimenopause, I will never be past menopause. I will be in menopause until I die; that’s cool 8) I must take it into account when planning.

    Nanceen had some great tips too. She’s also fab…but she left us 😥 I hope she returns.

    Note: you didn’t need a “whack” you deserve a round of applause, you’ve got a lot of CD guys! 😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  327.  #327Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    @323: Prairie Girl says:
    “..Someone FW? posted an except from another of RR’s posts about how to know a man was the right one for you by how YOU felt… ”

    Maybe it was me? I posted a paragraph or two from a Rori post. It’s from the “Rori Raye Rules” category. There’s another post similar… I think better but I couldn’t find it. It kind of sums up how I see my intentions, the words learned mostly from Rori. If I come across it, I’ll post the link. But for now, I think this is what you saw:

    Rori Raye’s Rules For Landing The Perfect Man
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/rori-raye-rules/rules-for-perfect-man/

    xoxo
    SLV



  328.  #328Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    RE 318 Tulip forget about what you boss says. Create your own frame of reference and check in with your feelings. Try to trust yourself.



  329.  #329Eileen on March 26, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    Daria, great reminder. Okay someone give me a hug.

    I know I am great. I am just frustrated. All I have are 40 year olds telling me how young I look and hitting on me as if I am some desperate old broad.

    New Guy works for Port Authority. Just turned 63 today. Phone is ringing. 🙂



  330.  #330Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    Lillybelle, noooooooooo! I am rooting for Keith and Nicole to stay together forever!!!



  331.  #331Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    Boomer the way I see it is that all the coaches can’t be wrong. Also looking at personal experiences a lot of guys invite us to/suggest that we should initiate. Then we see them draw back until they disappear. So then why would I listen to a man to shoot myself in the foot? I think I like Carol Allen who suggested that after he has initiated a thousand times then maybe we can start doing it. My take is that until he shows me through consistency and through his character over time that he is genuine to a point that I feel comfortable I will not initiate, certainlt\y not with someone new. Too many have disappeared particularly in the first two months and after sex.



  332.  #332Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    Boomer also why are you circular dating? Is it to get guys to argue with your logic or is it for therapy? Or are you looking for a mate? Do you ask yourself why am I here, when you are in front of a man?



  333.  #333Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    Boomer – Are you familiar with Pride and Prejudice? Both my sons say that the older sister, Jane, is more feminine and more attractive to them than the main character, Lizzie. And Jane was the one whose man broke up with her bc his friend convinced him that “she’s just not that into you” – yet Jane was heartbroken bc she actually adored him and loved him completely with a warm open heart! It was a great misunderstanding and the MEN learned a huge lesson from it, and it ended happily for the couple. Perh



  334.  #334Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    Alonka I have to tell you I havw written about a friend here who seemed to planhis life around his wife. He is so in love with her and they have been married over 10 years. She cannot have kids. He is heart broken over it but it has not changed how he feels about her. I know it might be a cultural belief in some way for you but sometimes these limitations cause people to settle into marriage just to raise a family. It has nothing to do with love necessarily and many are unhappy and lonely in these marriages. If you are going for Mr. Right he will love you and this will only be a small hurdle for him. He will join and help you through it.



  335.  #335Jacqueline on March 26, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    Hi, yall! SLV, FW – I’m always glad to see you on here with wisdom and inspiration!

    Lucy, I hope you are feeling better???

    and Tinque, thanks for doing the exploration.



  336.  #336Jacqueline on March 26, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    I didn’t feel an argumentative vibe last nite but I did feel a total disconnect between worrying about someone and telling them that and receiving no response. I’d like to be able to be clearer in when an upset person wants any input from me; it would make being here feel better and I wouldn’t get that well EXCUSE me feeling.. lol…

    But hey, Kaitlyn, I’m just gonna jump right in here with my input on your question about time lengths, and I hope you’ll specifically let me know what you think.

    next box….



  337.  #337Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    Hi Jacqueline, I am recovering well, feeling better today. Thanks for asking. How are things with you?



  338.  #338Jacqueline on March 26, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    I Am all that…lol…well, so I’ve been told bunches of times and guys have actually voiced out loud to me that for someone as beautiful as me to NOT be in a relationship….well, what’s WRONG with me. I mean as in almost every other guy I’ve gone out with.

    Felt horrible, but parallels your question – yep, they’re going to think something’s wrong with you when your longest relationship is 5 months, ime(in my experience) – he**, they think something’s wrong with me just because I’m pretty.

    And…there’s nothing you can do about it. It just is what it is. I’ve actually been relieved I could say I was married and I’m not the marrying kind…..

    But men are weeding and weeding hard when they’re online, I think – so it’ll be a hurdle, and the
    right guy won’t care or will ignore it or whatever.

    It’s a superficial and shallow kind of thought pattern but it is one that will come up in your face and I guess you can try a feeling message on it?

    Like…I feel really embarassed to say, but I’ve focused so much on my career (ummm, don’t think I’d mention any career here – haha)…that I’ve never really had a LTR –

    I just say I’m high maintenance and committment phobic and they cling like barnacles. lol – but only the highly charismatic and narcississtic ones.

    My BFF told me one, you do realize you’re challenging them, don’t you?

    I feel it’s an honest warning – kind of like that first date rule FW’s talked about where they’ll tell you but you’d better listen.

    Anyway – find an answer that works for you because it will come up, it always did for me – and I’ve had up to 8 year relationships….

    Good luck!!



  339.  #339Jacqueline on March 26, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    Hey, Lucy – I’m good; saw Limitless at the theatre and was fascinated by it – people compare it to flowers for algernon….

    and kind of sad that I think so much faster than my boyfriend –

    there’s a scene in it that took 6 months to film and it’s 30 SECONDS….and it’s in Puerta Vallarta where I lived and have been back 3 times..and within 5 seconds as (no landmarks filmed – I had to look it up to confirm) as soon as I saw the edge of the malecon, I was yelling, that’s Puerta Vallarta!!

    My brain worked quicker than my logical mind did –

    fascinating, huh? But sad in a way to me – like I can’t find that man my daddy told me about who is SMARTER than me.

    So I felt pretty bummed about relationship afterwards – well, ummm, the guy – Bradly Cooper – he might make any of us feel bummed. har…

    What happened with facebook guy? Did he text some more – I skipped some in the middle….



  340.  #340KS on March 26, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    All this talk about SEX is driving me CRAZY. Thats why I cant get over TOXIC MAN. I am DIC-MO-TIZED! DAMN. LOL



  341.  #341Jacqueline on March 26, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    FW – I don’t believe all the coaches are any good or more valid than my own experience, actually I am pretty sure they haven’t dated as much as I have. lol – so maybe Boomer’s here and Cdng for all sorts of reasons – self discovery being one of them.

    Boomer – I’d say to Shawn –

    You’ve got one life, you want to find a partner, find the one that makes YOU feel good. If a woman who tells you what she wants and needs, or pursues you first or buys you tickets to the ballgame…is what you want, you deserve that person. And no, it’s not fair that a lot of those women are reading and feeling they need to apply the rules, and won’t initiate or react. Maybe though, it’ll take some time for you to find the authenticity you’re looking for.

    And maybe you’ll have to play at pursuing for awhile first because that’s the advice a lot of women are following….and that all may be a backlash to pick up artist stuff the guys are reading and it might be hard to find of feel spontanity – but you either get into it or get nothing, so….

    I’m certain of one thing and that’s is: that the girl for you will make you FEEL 100% all man however she shows up! and it’ll be fabulous,

    so yeah, you’re going to have to do the footwork, but

    don’t take your eyes off the prize!



  342.  #342Jacqueline on March 26, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    KS! you’ve been lobotodickmatized!! Oh no……

    that’s what those large bullet looking things that take batteries are for!!!

    Yeah! for scientific advancement!!



  343.  #343Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    RE 222 No I don’t feel you are attracting the power outages



  344.  #344Jacqueline on March 26, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    oooh, Very Very Cool!!! Just opened my fedex package and it has Dr. Gilda Carle’s book Don’t Bet on the Prince – How to have the man you want by betting on yourself….

    WITH a handwritten note from her! Wow, I’m enchanted and excited. Blogs are good for something, and it’s always amazing to me how generous and gracious people are. Even when they’re Phd’s like her and Dr. Paul –

    feeling amazed!



  345.  #345Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    Jacqueline, I hear ya about the smarter guy thing. It reminds me of in high school when the guy who was ranked second behind me but could never beat me got so excited when I decided to combine my jr and sr year and graduate a yr early… so he got to be valedictorian of my original class. lol. That was something I really loved about connecting with TN man – he is smarter than me – LOVE that! Yes, fb college guy did text again and it was nice. He is a school psychologist but I’m pretty sure I’m smarter. 🙂



  346.  #346Boomer on March 26, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    Jacqueline, my father told me that for every women who thinks she’s smart, there’s always a man smarter. I have yet to find him either. Except my second husband, who had an IQ over 160. But he can’t keep a job and has no social skills to speak of. So I’d much rather be kind and balanced and happy with my merely above-average IQ. I love smart men too…I love the intellectual connection. But I can’t find that emotional connection that men crave.

    So maybe allow your man to be “less smart” than you…try to appreciate the way HIS intelligence manifests. I think there are many kinds of intelligence. Is he kind/sweet/good to you? Maybe you are quick and observant and never miss a thing. But maybe he has great spatial skills, match ability, or some other form of intelligence.

    Smart is wonderful–I really limited myself to brilliantly intelligent men for many years–but I’m finding that other men who bring other abilities to the party are desirable too!

    However, I admit, nothing thrills me more than a seriously brilliant man who gets my references, talks about something with expertise, and has that knowing look in his eye that no one quite gets us like each other. I know…



  347.  #347Boomer on March 26, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    Hahaha – that was meant to be “math ability.”



  348.  #348Prairie Girl on March 26, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    328: Senior Lady Vibe

    YES! It was you! Thank you! That’s the one!… I just needed to be reminded of the things I’m supposed to feel… Loved, cared for, happy, secure… I didn’t feel any of those with my ex-hub…

    Angels on your body.
    PG



  349.  #349Jacqueline on March 26, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    Lucy – I totally get that! Joel Bryant was 1/10th of a percentile behind me and he was like the smartest boy in school – I told his brother in sixth grade that he was “impudent” and his brother was like you don’t know what that means – but I did. Every morning I read the dictionary. haha….

    He’s a doctor now. I got the smarts I just bought the 70’s theme and lost the motivation. I turned down a scholarship to Rice university, got kicked out of the house on my 18th birthday and had to finish high school on my own – well, actually I told them I had to QUIT high school, so they put me in a work program and I worked for two weeks and quit…anyway….sex, drugs and rock and roll provided plenty of motivation for me for that decade! smile…

    I guess they can be smarter in different ways and maybe that’s as good as it gets? And it should be enough, and it usually is…

    but there are times. Like if I asked my guy what’s up in the middle east – he’d be like d’uh?? but he is in there downloading an exactimate program for insurance adjusting…

    I’d rather talk about alternate realities or duality or what’s really real.

    My daddy was smarter than me! (genius iq) so surely, there’s gotta be at least one other man?!!

    and – he always said, you’ll never fall in love cuz you’ll never meet anyone smarter than you –

    worlds of interesting male/female relationship stuff in that statement, huh?

    But also an implied equality needed that is kind of cool.

    Okay, well, sigh….in the REAL world, I’ll just have to be happy my guy like taking care of me. For now.

    And as for you – well, I think this will be the spring you spring!!! Something will bloom for you, Lucy! You met garden guy in the beginning of summer…you’re a springtime person! a butterfly of sorts – and I will hope and hope that this is the summer you meet the man with all the good qualities of last summer rolled into one guy who’s crazy bought you!

    Recover well and take care of yourself…



  350.  #350KS on March 26, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    J-How cool is THAT! I love books. Sometimes I love books more than I love men. 🙂



  351.  #351luzydel on March 26, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    I emded it!!! I told D I cannot continue this way, That I was commited to my happiness and that I was starting to feel Hurt. That I needed to go back to datinf others, That I want a happy ever after with a man who feels the same e did not say much… Just “I understand” I admit that made me feel sad, I thought he will say more, but I guess it is what it is.
    I to;d him I was open to see him if he ever wanted one day, but that I wasnt going to beg or chase him.
    I feel sad, but I also feel the not inside my chest getting loose.

    Now I am going to CD, and leave him alone. I dont know if he ever will come back. But I cannot take his crumbs.



  352.  #352Boomer on March 26, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    Jacqueline, thanks for the ideas for Shawn. He is such a good man, but yeah, he’s not a real “man’s man,” and I think he struggles a bit with wanting everything to be “fair.” I am going to use a big part of what you said, because it feels like what I would say if I fully understood this stuff.

    FW, I sometimes think I’m looking for “the one,” but when a man wants to be close, then I get spooked. I tell myself it’s HIM I don’t want. But I suspect I really am closed off. I am willing to admit that possibility. I am practicing too, I suppose when I CD. I have a hard time not being tied to an outcome. And melting. I can’t seem to melt. I am so hyper/quick. Some days I am good at this stuff. Some days feel inept.



  353.  #353Jacqueline on March 26, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    Hey Boomer…yeah, my guy is just…nice.

    My ex once yelled at me, I think everyone would agree you’re the better person here. So what?

    He was as smart or smarter? definitely more manipulative and devious than me…. and one heck of a lot meaner.

    So, yes, absolutely, I try and appreciate my guy for who and or what he is.

    Just feeling intelectually stifled a bit after the movie…smile….

    and I hope you find the write/right words for Shawn!

    I think you’d really like Dr. Gilda, btw.



  354.  #354Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    Luzydel I hope you were in a place to really say that with conviction. If you stay focussed not contacting him and repeating yourself without negativity and blaming if he does contact you, it might attract him in a way to step up. I hope someone else better will step into this space now you have now created. Or a better D will step into the space. Just remember it might take him up to 6 weeks.



  355.  #355Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    Thank you, Jacqueline! I feel encouraged and cared for by your words. 🙂 <3



  356.  #356Queenbee on March 26, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    Hello, I’m a new Siren. Been reading this blog for some months, practicing Rori’s tools and learning so much from everyone on here. So I just wanted to say hello and thank you all for sharing yourselves.

    I feel rather excited and also apprehensive about writing on here…. I got rid of my fb some 8 or 9 months ago and have just felt this need to hide out… I feel like I’m playing small. I recently moved back to my home country and have been “setting up”. It feels boring when things are slow and one issue brings up a series of hundred issues, that I now feel overwhelmed and have a ton of work piling up. I’ve lost all my motivation and mojo – all I do now is read – Rori tools and everything else that I want to read. At least it makes me feel like I’m doing something and hopefully when this cloud passes, I’ll actually be better off with more knowledge and wisdom. Does this sound truly insane?

    My dating life is going really well so far. I’m dating an amazing guy who I met last year. I have not managed to start CDing and have not been dating myself perfectly. What with the current stagnant feeling in my career, I just feel stuck. But I try and am doing the best I can and I feel compassion for myself and what I can manage at this time. As Corin mentioned in an earlier post, just having the option of CDing in my mind helps me to feel free and know that at some point I will get there.

    I am living at home now with my parents. It feels good for many reasons and sometimes not good. In the area of dating, it feels annoying when I need to factor in whether my dating behavior is appropriate for my parents. What time I’m coming home, how many dates a week I’m going on, whether I wish to spend at my man’s house (which I only did once btw and would like to do more every now and then). Anyhow, they are my parents and I don’t want to disrespect them.

    How to get my independence when I feel stuck, stagnant and bored – here lies the million dollar question? I’m so passionate about my career and so highly ambitious, but lately, I feel powerless, bored and overwhelmed. I know that I’m waiting for my breakthrough, which is on its way, but I truly do feel crappy sometimes and I hate wasting time. I feel uninspired yet my work requires my creative imagination 🙁 The most I do is wake up late, eat, clean, read, exercise and do whatever makes me feel good – listen to music and go on dates with my man.

    There is so much growing and healing I need to do and I feel lonely. My galfriends seem unavailable and I have no one really to talk to about my issues. I feel like I’m living in limbo….

    I hope through this blog I can start sharing myself again and grow and heal with everyone else towards my Happy Ever After.

    Thank you for reading this.

    Love to all!



  357.  #357Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    Boomer I’d suggest spending time to get clear on what you want and are doing. Getting rid of the I suppose and be clear for yourself. Also remember your Mr. Right is supposed to find you. You are circular dating to create the opportunity. I felt in your first post that you might be cdating looking for your man.



  358.  #358luzydel on March 26, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    FW
    I was thinking all day about “end” the txt relationship
    I was going through my feelings and I wanted to tell him in a way that was about me and how I felt without accusing him. iwrote it a million times, I thought about it and then I said it. I felt he was speechless because tyhere was no nagging or blaming.

    I am convince that distance is the best cure for this, it will either bring him closer or it will make me realized that he is not the one. I have nothing to loose right now.



  359.  #359Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    Hi Queenbee. It seems to me that this name choice is belying the way you actually feel about yourself despite what you write. It do tell me that you feel highly about yourself. May be going back to live with your parents might have you feeling like you took a step backwards. But sometimes we need to take a step back to move two steps forward. Focusing on yourself will hopefully help remove you from that stuck place.



  360.  #360Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    Great you feel that way now luzydel. Just remember that feeling might change but you are worth it. Don’t ibeat up on yourself and remember that it is mostly women who end relationships because we want better. Also remember that our brains light up with love for a while for the other person after we end a relationship. I feel you are in a good place right now so is he. He has the space to really feel and come to grips with his feelings. I sense he will focus on taking care of his family situation and would ask him about it if I was in your situation if he contacts me again in the near future. I would also tell him I believe everyone deserves to be happy and that I hope he finds his happiness whatever that means to him, in the event he contacts me again.



  361.  #361Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    Luzydel you know who some people say end it while you are ahead in the game as in Michael Jordan whon ended his career at the top of his game? I feel this is what you have done here as he was beginning to contact you again, apologizing and making promises. You are not angry at him or holding anything against him. It is just that you want to be prioritized and be with someone who is in the place to give you the attention you yearn for and you respect the fact that he is not in this place right now but you don’t want to put your life on hold waiting for him.



  362.  #362Boomer on March 26, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    Jacqueline – yes, mean, devious, manipulative. That was my ex-H. Abusive too, although not stupid, so it was insidious and indirect and passive-aggressive abuse. Verbal, psychological, only once physical (and that’s all it took–I was gone). I did not recognize it for what it was most of the marriage because there were no physical signs. Well, except the exhaustion and the “I’m going crazy” collapses. SOOOOO glad it’s four years behind me and we can co-parent civilly now.

    But that experience does make me wary a little still. Not as much as say, 2 years ago, but I wonder sometimes if I still need more time to heal so I don’t immediately mistrust a brilliant and broody man.

    He is still the only man to ever really “get me” intellectually, and it makes me sad that I have never met anyone else who does (and fear I never will–Nasty Voice if ever I heard one!). We could finish each other’s sentences. We read all the same books and enjoyed the same TV shows and movies and and had a really similar sense of the absurd. But his take was cynical and sarcastic and manipulative. He used his powers for evil. I used to wonder what it would have been like to share the brain we shared if he had been nice/good to me. We could have been this amazing “power couple.” But he was broken. And I was weak at the time.

    Anyway…yeah…mean, smart men are my Achilles’s heel.



  363.  #363Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    @339: Jacqueline says:
    “…It’s a superficial and shallow kind of thought pattern but it is one that will come up in your face and I guess you can try a feeling message on it?…”

    Yippee, a quicky question to weed out the ordinary. They all most certainly be will ordinary, I gave up years ago. Here we go again only this time at bat I will attract way fewer if any at all. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry… might as well laugh.
    😛

    “…I just say I’m high maintenance and committment phobic and they cling like barnacles. lol – but only the highly charismatic and narcississtic ones…”

    Yeah, all right, might as well. When I first started scoping out those online sites, I saw POF had some kind of relationship certification medallion… certifying the medallion holder was qualified for serious relationships… yeah, they did. Does POF still have it? I knew I would flunk such a test; I got a little nervous about it. I did.

    “…Anyway – find an answer that works for you because it will come up, it always did for me…”

    I was a lesbian and looking for the right man to “awaken me” like Sleeping Beauty?

    Oh, well…

    xoxo
    SLV



  364.  #364Boomer on March 26, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    FW. Yeah, I AM looking for my man. I want him to find me. But I keep sabotaging things, so maybe I am not ready I wonder? I am usually so sure of everything–so capable, strong, smart, logical, right. Love does not seem to work off of those qualities, however, and I’m struggling!

    One time PG said, “I just want the right man to fall into my lap!” I agree! But I also know that’s unlikely. But I want it…



  365.  #365Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    Thank you everyone very much for your words of support. I feel that I should not bring up this tough topic again since I’m not the only one who has to go through this unfortunately.

    Luzydel, wow, that was so brave of you. And great you made this decision, you stood up for yourself! What will be, will be like you were saying, but you did what’s best for you and showed him that you are number one for you. That’s all he needed to know.

    Just got back home from my date and the guy was really nice and treated me well. He turned out to be an ex-fireman!! He went to law school after retirement. Very good looking too. he walked me home and kissed good night. He traveled more than I did and he has a son with an old gfriend.

    Two good dates two days in a row and the guys are just not ‘my type’. Not smart enough for me.. don’t know. When I reject people like this, I feel that I deserved to be alone.



  366.  #366Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    RE 363 Boomer I am writing and feeling trepidation. Your initial comments feel negative and blaming to the point that I feel rankled and I feel fear in the pit of my stomach. I really hope you will come to a point where you could be philosophical about the experience and possibly see why you attracted him into your life so you could heal what needed to be healed. I am remembering Lucy who recently got to a place where she experienced success using Rori’s tool on her ex and seeing how it might have been otherwise if she had know better back then.



  367.  #367Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    Alonka Do you really believe you have enough information in one meeting to assess the level of their intelligence?



  368.  #368Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:01 pm

    Boomer are you looking for him or are you putting yourself out there so he can find you? Looking for him feels like leaning forward to me? What do you think?



  369.  #369Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    Luzydel I find your picture very beautiful and your look enchanting.



  370.  #370Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    @345: Jacqueline says:
    “…oooh, Very Very Cool!!!..”

    Do I sniff the heavenly aroma of review copies? Yum… sometimes… 😛

    xoxo
    SLV



  371.  #371Boomer on March 26, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    FW. Why does the reality of my second marriage rankle with you? I am confused about why my sad experinces makes you uncomfrotable. It was what it was. I was very vulnerable when I met him (first marriage had just ended and I my esteem was cr*p, my mother was dying of cancer, and much more.)

    It was my experience…he was not a nice man, but I also learned with time that he was mentally ill. But we are in an essentially positive place where we communicate well for the kids and even laugh together now sometimes. I am 95% healed. But that 5% still makes me cautious, I think.

    I am very happy with my life right now without a man. My job is great, my kids are amazing, I love my home, and I have some wonderful friends. It’s the calmest and most peaceful my life has been since adolescence…and I’ve done it all MYSELF. I wonder if I fear that putting a man into the mix will disrupt my first taste of peace? I want him, but I fear disrupting the apple cart. Kind of an Eat Pray Love thing perhaps???

    But FW, I guess I feel confused by your reaction.



  372.  #372Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    Winnie,

    Just wanted to say one more thing. I don’t know your situation of course, but perhaps you may consider having a baby with a donor’s egg (and your husband’s sperm). You can still be pregnant and feed the baby, and it will be your husband’s child.



  373.  #373Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    Ah, yes, Jilly! I do remember reading your response (just now reread it) … then got busy getting ready for surgery, so I’m sorry I didn’t reply to you….

    The thing that jumped out at me was the last part, about Kelly Howell and prayer. Did you read where I had previously mentioned my son’s graduation project included research on Kelly Howell and binaural beats?

    So I’m thinking maybe there is something there for me. Would like to get the Living Prayer CD once I get some income.

    Also, prayer itself – I used to pray all the time (most of my life) but almost completely stopped over the past few years. So I am starting to pray again, and think it may be an important piece that has been missing for me.

    Thank you for sharing all that with me!

    <3
    Lucy



  374.  #374Jacqueline on March 26, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    SLV…you have me smiling – thank you! I want to take a test too – we’ll all know we pass it by how badly we fail, lol. You will have it all, or none at all, I’m thinking lately. You’ve developed a sharp eye and discernment – and I hope you’re feeling all better, too.

    Boomer – used his powers for evil! rofl….I know it’s not really funny but yes, I know exactly what you mean. And I think those kinds of guys take extra long to heal from, so be kind and patient and don’t settle!!

    KS – yeah, it’s a thrill…book in the mail, note from author, really validating. Now I have to read it and review it tho – ha! that’s one way to make yourself “do” self improvement. Sorry you’re horn**….well, not sorry, but you know…just full of empathy for ya here. Laughing….

    ‘kay well everyone have a good night – and hopefully sweet dreams.



  375.  #375Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    The first thing a man sees is your face – smiling, and the first thing he feels is a thrill when he senses your eyes connecting with his.

    From LoveRomanceRelationship.com



  376.  #376Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 8:16 pm

    FW,

    #368: Of course you’re right. I will go out with them again if they ask me. It’s just that I know what I really want and how I want to feel about my man, and they can’t give me that. I usually know this pretty early on. They may be able to give me something else, equally important or even more important, but they won’t make my heart jump because this one thing that I crave they can’t give me.



  377.  #377Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    RE 372 It’s just what I felt while reading the first paragraph.



  378.  #378Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    Alonka what I am sensing is that your ideal is not matching up with reality?



  379.  #379Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 8:23 pm

    “…so capable, strong, smart, logical, right. Love does not seem to work off of those qualities, however…” (Boomer)

    So true! In fact, I have discovered that those qualities can stand in the way of love.

    Especially “logical” and “right.”

    <3
    Lucy



  380.  #380Boomer on March 26, 2011 at 8:24 pm

    FW, I guess I realize now that you reacted to my “blame-y-ness,” but this man put me through hell for many years. The psychological abuse was calculated and real. I have forgiven him, actually. I AM philosophical about it. But I am aware that I refer back to that experience when I meet new men (in my head–I never talk to men I meet about how I been done wrong!) who seem to share some of his qualities.

    I am all for taking responsibility for my part in that dynamic…I allowed a lot of it…but it was out of vulnerability and weakness and desperation…so it feels really bad to have it suggested to me that I brought it all on myself or there was some “reason.” I don’t disagree–he was a good teacher for me–but it still sucked and he still hurt me. And I think it does not do abused women any good to think they brought it on themselves somehow.



  381.  #381Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    FW,

    #379: I met my ‘ideal’ but he didn’t stay with me 😉 Or anyone else so far.

    So you will say that he cannot be an ‘ideal’. He was, he just needs to grow more.



  382.  #382Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    One way to help heal your relationship from his
    porn is by becoming a sex goddess yourself, your
    own brand of porn star – for YOU AND for him as
    well.

    Tinque’s words



  383.  #383Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:28 pm

    Alonka I sense that would be a hard one for any man or human to fill.



  384.  #384Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    Boomer would you let me know how or where I communicated “brought it on yourself”?



  385.  #385Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    #384: I know. The story of my life 😉



  386.  #386Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:33 pm

    I am guessing it is the “attracted” it into your life.



  387.  #387Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    Is it that we attract or invite relationships into our liees or we just accidentally stumble into them?



  388.  #388Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    If I wait for what I want to match up with reality, let’s not even mention the ideal, I might as well return to my dating pattern of the last 15 or 20 years. I now have to rely on my own brain power plus supernatural forces. The reality of the numbers does not work for me.

    xoxo
    SLV



  389.  #389Queenbee on March 26, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    RE 360. Hi FW, thank you for welcoming me and for your encouragement. Yes, the name just popped into my head and I knew it was it. I do feel highly about myself and also kind of ironic because all the male bees need to have sex with the queen bee – so for me it points to my fears re. sex where I need to heal/ grow. So it seemed very appropriate.

    I won’t elaborate further right now since it is 6:29am and I have been up all night reading. I’m about to go and make a cup of tea….

    Boomer, I just wanted to mention that I too used to look for “smart” men to connect with my smartness…. One day I just got bored of that. I decided that I felt better with a man who could avoid being so intellectual and just be in the moment with me and chat about all types of things in the moment – from weather, to the food, jokes, trivia or whatever. As long as it came across in a loving and fun way. I realized I could have an intellectual conversation with anyone at anytime and I felt more comfortable prioritizing intimacy and connectedness over being intellectual.

    What I found is that the men I date are smart in their own professions or in a different way/ area than me in a complementing way. After a date last December my man emailed me saying he was impressed by me and he learned something new…. I didn’t press for details and he confessed that he was impressed by the way I talked about my work in a “scientific” way. I laughed and thought the last thing I want to be on a date is scientific. These days if things get too scientific, empirical, conceptual or philosophical we just laugh about it. It keeps things light, not in the head and I feel more connected.

    Just wanted to share that.



  390.  #390Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    “I really hope you will come to a point where you could be philosophical about the experience and possibly see why you attracted him into your life so you could heal what needed to be healed. I am remembering Lucy…” (FW)

    FW, I understand what you’re talking about there. I learned a lot about that concept from Michael Brown’s book The Presence Process — which I highly recommend to anyone who wants emotional healing and better relationships, and especially to stop repeating past relationship patterns.

    It was a radical concept for me to stop blaming a man who appeared to be evil and abusive — and at first I resisted, but not strongly because somehow my heart was ready to hear it and I intuitively knew there was something to it.

    <3
    Lucy



  391.  #391Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    As FW told me, I hope I get it right, she has learned that “an opinion is just an opinion.” That’s what she told me I think.

    I add a little more: I tend to rank opinions and don’t think all opinions are of equal value so I choose what I believe is the best for me. I hope to keep growing, tweaking and forming the best opinions I can. If not, I steal a few, tweak and make them my own…

    😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  392.  #392Alonka on March 26, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    FW, SLV,

    So what do you do – settle? Forget what you really want? Forcefully value other qualities more? But then you meet someone that has the ones that you really want and you’re forced to remember.



  393.  #393Boomer on March 26, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    Queenbee, yes, I am “intellectually” aware that focusing on intellect is illogical. Wow, could I sound anymore like Mr. Spock???!!! Oh, so attractive to men to be logical. Not. I know. I know. I am very much looking at many men for their brand of intellect, like I shared with Jacqueline. Perhaps seeing it intellectually is my first baby step toward actually being open to men with other types of intelligence besides technically “smart.”



  394.  #394luzydel on March 26, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    Thanks FW, Alonka and all Sirens ;). this blog and RR’s tools are helping me a lot!!!

    I feel sad because I may miss D, but I also feel empowered. I put ME first for the first time in a “relationship” with a man. I was not afraid of ending something, or feeeling that I may loose him.
    I said what I wanted, and did not want. This was good practice. I discovered that “the nod” I feel sometimes it is because I do not express what I want.

    I took a bath and feel better, I have a blank canvas now; we’ll see how the painting ends up looking.



  395.  #395Boomer on March 26, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    FW, I guess it was “Your initial comments feel negative and blaming to the point that I feel rankled and I feel fear in the pit of my stomach.” Was the implication that I am blaming him and should not? Or were you feeling sympathy for me? I felt confused by your response.

    I know we are not supposed to blame our men, but abuse is blame-worthy and an abused person needs to see that she (or he for that matter) is not to blame. I can forgive him–and I have. But he needed to take responsibility for his behavior. He really never has, so I chose to forgive and move on.



  396.  #396Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    Here’s the question –

    Do you know your “negative patterns” in
    relationships with men?
    I want you to come up with at least TWO of your
    own negative relationship patterns with men.

    And I don’t just mean patterns that are really
    about men… such as “I always pick men that are
    clueless about loving relationships.”

    This is focusing on HIM, not YOU.

    Now that you’ve got your two negative patterns,
    here’s where things are going to start coming
    together for you…

    First, I need you to get away from a dangerous
    kind of thinking that ALL WOMEN engage in when it
    comes to men, dating and relationships.

    I call it “All or Nothing Thinking”.

    A “STRANGE TRUTH” ABOUT THE PEOPLE AND
    RELATIONSHIPS YOU ATTRACT IN LIFE AND LOVE

    The strange truth is, patterns aren’t just
    coincidences in your life.

    They keep repeating in your life for a reason.
    Shifting your PERSPECTIVE and becoming MORE
    CONSCIOUS is your first step… some of which
    we’ve touched on here.

    You can stop the unnecessary PATTERNS.

    You can come to terms with, and understand, the
    FEARS. One of the most critical things that’s going on inside a relationship when a “casual”, or even a
    committed relationship, starts to go wrong, even
    though there’s no lack of love or caring between
    the man and woman, is FEAR.

    And I don’t just mean YOUR FEARS… I’m talking
    about a HIS FEARS too.

    These are words from CCarter



  397.  #397Boomer on March 26, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    But it still haunts me sometimes. How could it not, if just a little?



  398.  #398Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    @393: Alonka

    No, I’m not going to settle. What about you? I returned “Soul Mate Secret” to library today but put it on reserve again. Maybe I’ll get it back next week about the time I get caught up on other reading!

    There are some helpful things there in defining expectations and characteristics desired in a life partner, even aside from the “manifestation” part of the process, it’s good to work with. Writing out these things is very helpful even in choosing different venues for exploring meeting new men. I mentioned this several posts ago. You were talking about the “kinds” of men you’d been meeting.

    No, I don’t plan to settle. I haven’t yet written out my …. whatever it’s called… wish list I think. Did you write one, Alonka? I’m still doing prep work, I’ve got a long way to go.

    xoxo
    SLV



  399.  #399Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    RE 396 That was all about me and how I felt.



  400.  #400Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    RE 393 Alonka I am wondering if it is your underlying fear that is causing you to unconsciously focus on certain parts of these guys to give you a reason to reject them?



  401.  #401Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    RE 395 Luzydel I feel good for you. I feel you have faced your fear, triggered yourself and put yourself in a place to heal a pattern.



  402.  #402Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    Lucy I have to see about reading that book.



  403.  #403Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    How can he be to blame if we are the ones who chose him and chose to stay for however long we stayed?

    What if neither party is to blame?

    What if blame is a useless construct?

    What if its only use is in keeping us stuck?



  404.  #404Senior Lady Vibe on March 26, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    I’ve been living alone so long, I’m not sure whether the day-to-day details of married life will agree with me. As a concept, I say “Yes, I want a life partner” but… do I? I’m trying to work with the reality of this idea.

    This sounds kind of strange but after the vows renewal last Sunday, I made space for “partner.” Some space, not all I intend to do. Ok, don’t get too weirded out but, manifested sweetie has been sleeping with me for a while, from that night forward.

    I think I’ve been ignoring him and not sure he showed up last night when I fell asleep intending to read but did not… I left the lights on until wee hours. I’m alone right now. We’ll see. I know “y’all” are weirded out by now. Me too.

    xoxo
    SLV



  405.  #405Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    Queenbee I guess you must have been intellectually attracted and wanted to be attracted on another level also. I have read that relationships are really about FEELINGS not smarts or achievements because does not intellectually/logically say to himself “okay Bob I am going to be attracted to ……….” fill in the blank with whatever name. He just feels it in his body and knows it.



  406.  #406Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    FW, I think you would enjoy the book. 🙂



  407.  #407life_is_too_short_to... on March 26, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    FW: Is it that we attract or invite relationships into our lives or we just accidentally stumble into them?

    I don’t know, but the words from this song just popped into my head:
    “You can’t always get what you want…
    You can’t always get what you want…
    You can’t always get what you want…
    but if you try sometime, you might find,
    you get what you need.”

    I think it’s karmic. the fruits of our actions determining what kinds of circumstances present in our lives, moment to moment.

    I believe in being thankful for any and all results,
    wanted or unwanted. The kind of results we look for and expect are determined by our likes and dislikes, wants and don’t wants, and sometimes we need to experience something we don’t want in order to know what it is we do want, or to recognize it when we see it.

    If I feel guilty about something, it might mean that I violated the dharma. But, everyone makes mistakes.
    Hopefully we learn without having to repeat the same ones too many times!

    xxoo
    LiFe*



  408.  #408Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 9:14 pm

    “something we don’t want in order to know what it is we do want, or to recognize it when we see it”.

    Thank you life…… I have heard this phrase said over and over again and in different ways. Yes we all make mistakes and it is in being evolved that we are able to accept that and grow. I believe as I take responsibility for my mistakes I grow daily and get out of the victim position and make choices for my life. Thank you again.



  409.  #409Boomer on March 26, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    Lucy, part of my healing was to understand that I did not “deserve it” or bring it on myself. It is a horrible feeling believing you deserve abuse becasue you are somehow not good enough.

    I’m not asking for sympathy here…it was a long time ago and I’m great now. But abused women are truly in pain. I am as new age and philosophical as any woman here…truly…and I no longer blame my ex-H. But I suppose I am feeling uncomfortable with the sense that women will tell another woman who has been abused that she brought it on herself for some karmic lesson. I DO believe that we choose our paths, our parents, our partners, and so on, and I know where Lucy and FW are coming from, but not every woman is “there” and may need significant time to process the pain of abuse and know that she did not deserve to be hurt.

    Is no one else feeling uncomfortable with this line of thought? Or am I alone? Do we have to be all spiritual and open and stuff on here all the time? Abuse is visceral, both on the giving and receiving ends. I still have a visceral reaction to mine sometimes and wonder if it affects my current efforts at love, and that’s what I was expressing here.



  410.  #410Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    I am committed to allowing as much positive energy and love that is possible to flow through me.



  411.  #411Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 9:19 pm

    RE 410 Boomer I did say I was only focussing on how I felt. I understand where you are coming from and to a certain extent agree but I do believe that what we focus on is what expands. I can only invite you to focus on the positive. It is your choice if you want to or not.



  412.  #412Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 9:19 pm

    SLV, I am literally giggling out loud. 🙂 I love it! (405)

    I remember you mentioning it sorta vaguely a couple days ago, and today when I was cleaning my bedroom I thought about it a bit. I noticed that I do have a bit of closet space for my sweetie… but no drawer space. I don’t even have enough drawer space for myself (need a sock drawer badly!)

    Also, I have a king size bed, but “his” side holds my skin brush, heating pad, tissue box, phone charger, and a pen. And sometimes books. Today I considered moving those things to make room for him in the SLV manner, but I didn’t want to give up the convenience!

    I too have questioned whether or not I can really make room in my life…. but ended up deciding that 1) that’s why I won’t settle for a man who fails to make it completely worth it, and 2) I just have to choose a man who will give me space — in all senses of the word. (Gotta respect that Lucy-cave!)

    <3
    Lucy



  413.  #413Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 9:23 pm

    Lucy I cleaned out a drawer and made closet space (though small) after reading the book Soulmate Secret a couple months ago.



  414.  #414Boomer on March 26, 2011 at 9:24 pm

    SLV, yes, I too wonder sometimes if I really can let a man into my world. My kids and I have a good thing going. Can I allow someone in my life who will comment on how we do things? Can I sleep with someone in my bed again??? It’s been so long. Can I handle the man hairs in my bathroom????

    Alpha helped me fold towels one day, and I was cool with how he did it–but he did not like the way *I* did it, and that really triggered me. MY house. MY towels. And he did not like MY way? It was funny and no big deal, but it was just odd to realize that I will have to be really open and vulnerable to let a man into my world again.

    Yep, there is some comfort in being alone sometimes, don’t you think?



  415.  #415Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 9:24 pm

    An ex came back into my life about 5 weeks ago but I am still a bit resistant to the thought that he is it and I told him I am taking my time as I am in no hurry.



  416.  #416Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 9:24 pm

    Boomer, no one is even remotely saying that you or I or anyone else in any way deserves abuse. Not even close.

    No one deserves abuse. Ever.



  417.  #417Celtic Blue on March 26, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    Sirens, hello and greetings. It is wonderful to read all the blog and sirens thoughts over months.

    I have been using Rori programs and tools and have found some wonderful progress in myself over months .

    I recovered rapidly from a negative situation with a long “imaginary” relationship ,( I just love that term! ) and went on to date several CD’s some old ones reappearing, some new , especially off internet sites.

    What was really changing was my openness to accepting dates even with unlikely people , and yes , it is wonderful “free therapy”. Suddenly I have men keen for more dates and taking me out for dinners and movies and fun. Its wonderful! They seemed to materialize all at once , once my vibe changed.

    Rori has helped me get rid of old negative patterns.
    And then has given me actual techniques (all honed by reading about your Siren experiences) for avoiding the pitfalls that lead to imaginary scenarios which i used to think WERE relationships.

    My only problem now is a needy man who i knew in the past who is clinging to me since being dumped very recently by his ex. He has made it clear he has “feelings” for me and wants to date me etc etc..I realize that this is a role reversal .

    I am seeing and experiencing exactly what it is like from the opposite perspective I have created and sustained imaginary relationships in the past, complete with all the overfunctioning and over niceness and over availability (I am embarrassed to remember the texts and calls and dinners I cooked etc..all to GET him). And its yuckily intiguing to see a man do it now to ME.

    The more he tells me he is dating others but truly just waiting for me, or hanging out on FB in case I pop up to catch me for a chat, or mentioning his availability next weekend , or just pretending he is all recovered from his very recent ex ,texting me “casually” etc etc , well it just FEELS blaaahhhh, and cringey to me.

    The “needy” vibe , the “I want a relationship ” vibe, the “I cant be alone with out ….eeekkkk! ” vibe , well they are all vibing outta that guy and all over me like icky sticky cobweb.

    It is amazing to put it all together now , to see how I got the results i got in the past , and how NOT to do it again. And now how to pick what I DO want..thank you so much Sirens and Rori



  418.  #418Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    .

    They’re upset for some reason, they treat us
    badly, and we take it personally.

    And even if we’re doing Rori Raye Tools and are
    able to NOT take it personally – (congratulations
    if you’ve done this) – we still feel bad.

    It’s as though we TAKE ON his mood.

    Healers and doctors and therapists have this
    problem all the time.

    It’s easy to get burned out when the work you
    love is all about spending your days around and
    with people who are in pain.

    The urge to make them feel better is SO HUGE.

    And yet, as any healer or doctor will tell you,
    the urge to make people feel better often results
    in EVERYONE feeling WORSE.

    Everyone needs to follow his or her own road
    and go through his or her own pain and come out
    the other end – whole and happy again – through
    his or her own personal work. Our men have to take
    themselves through their TUNNELS, just like we do.

    And the best way to help a man do that is to
    NOT go down into his tunnel WITH HIM.

    .

    They’re upset for some reason, they treat us
    badly, and we take it personally.

    And even if we’re doing Rori Raye Tools and are
    able to NOT take it personally – (congratulations
    if you’ve done this) – we still feel bad.

    It’s as though we TAKE ON his mood.

    Healers and doctors and therapists have this
    problem all the time.

    It’s easy to get burned out when the work you
    love is all about spending your days around and
    with people who are in pain.

    The urge to make them feel better is SO HUGE.

    And yet, as any healer or doctor will tell you,
    the urge to make people feel better often results
    in EVERYONE feeling WORSE.

    Everyone needs to follow his or her own road
    and go through his or her own pain and come out
    the other end – whole and happy again – through
    his or her own personal work. Our men have to take
    themselves through their TUNNELS, just like we do.

    And the best way to help a man do that is to
    NOT go down into his tunnel WITH HIM.

    .

    They’re upset for some reason, they treat us
    badly, and we take it personally.

    And even if we’re doing Rori Raye Tools and are
    able to NOT take it personally – (congratulations
    if you’ve done this) – we still feel bad.

    It’s as though we TAKE ON his mood.

    Healers and doctors and therapists have this
    problem all the time.

    It’s easy to get burned out when the work you
    love is all about spending your days around and
    with people who are in pain.

    The urge to make them feel better is SO HUGE.

    And yet, as any healer or doctor will tell you,
    the urge to make people feel better often results
    in EVERYONE feeling WORSE.

    Everyone needs to follow his or her own road
    and go through his or her own pain and come out
    the other end – whole and happy again – through
    his or her own personal work. Our men have to take
    themselves through their TUNNELS, just like we do.

    And the best way to help a man do that is to
    NOT go down into his tunnel WITH HIM.

    And we all know there’s NOTHING more
    ATTRACTIVE to a man (and there’s nothing that
    feels better to us, inside) than CONFIDENCE.
    And we all know there’s NOTHING more
    ATTRACTIVE to a man (and there’s nothing that
    feels better to us, inside) than CONFIDENCE.

    You can learn what my Toolkit is about, and
    order it risk-free right here:

    http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/Toolkit

    If you’re like me, going down into that dark
    tunnel after my man was one of the big mistakes I
    almost instinctively, always made.

    I did it with my friends, too.

    .

    Are your friends cheerful, happy, easy-going
    people?

    Or are they tense and always feeling hurt by
    someone else?

    .

    Are your friends cheerful, happy, easy-going
    people?

    Or are they tense and always feeling hurt by
    someone else?

    Are you always trying to “cheer” them up?

    Or making YOURSELF feel worse so they don’t
    have to go through their sadness alone?

    Even if people aren’t out-and-out “bummers”
    they can affect us in very subtle ways.

    People are often good at PRETENDING to be
    cheerful and upbeat (sound familiar?) when they’re
    really feeling lousy.

    And what we take home with us, or to bed with
    us, or out to dinner with us, is the FEELING they
    gave off, not the cheerful front they put up.

    So let’s look at this both ways.

    One, your man is giving off “vibes” that are
    making things grayer for you.

    (Or for that matter, the people down the
    street, or in the next county or state’s vibes are
    affecting you – who knows what we’re able to pick
    up if we’re sensitive enough?)

    And Two, YOU may be the one putting up a
    “cheerful” front in order to avoid upsetting HIM –
    but he can feel how unsettled and unhappy you are
    UNDERNEATH your cheerful front anyway – no matter
    how you try to cover it up.

    So try this – The PICK UP

    When you find yourself feeling “blue,” stop
    going down that road.

    Ask yourself “What am I feeling?”

    It might be scared, angry, sad.

    If the answer isn’t clear, now ask yourself if
    you’re angry.

    You may very well be mad at something your man
    did or didn’t do, and because we women are often
    so uncomfortable with anger, you’re covering it up
    and stuffing it down with sadness and the “blues.”

    Here’s the thing – don’t go DIGGING for what’s
    bothering you, and don’t go into the cause, and
    the whys and wherefore and get lost down that
    path.

    Instead – see what happens if you say this to
    yourself: “Maybe this isn’t about me. Maybe I’m
    picking up some feelings SOMEONE ELSE is having.

    Maybe I’m picking up my man’s “blues,” and
    they’re not mine at all!

    If you can feel your “blues” lifting, even just
    a little, when you try on that thought – then it’s
    working for you.

    Next – in that moment, that second when you
    feel the sadness lift because you’ve said it
    doesn’t belong to you – you’re just sensitive and
    picking up sad vibes from someone else – shift
    your focus to an object right in front of you.

    Make it something you like, that makes you
    smile, makes you laugh, and pulls you up instead
    of down. (A bracelet, a photo, a CD, a book, a
    scarf you love, a piece of furniture).

    (By the way – this is a GREAT WAY to find out
    if you’re surrounding yourself at home with things
    you LOVE, and that make you feel good, or with
    things that have all kinds of mixed memories
    attached and tend to bring you down into thinking
    about those old things. This would be a good push
    to start doing some de-cluttering and shifting the
    whole “vibe” of your home!)

    Now give yourself a big hug, because you’ve
    just created a whole new way of being that will
    bring your man closer than you thought possible.

    We go right from feeling angry to feeling
    guilty, and then we get all nice and
    understanding, and we lose our REALNESS and
    authenticity and turn into someone we don’t even
    recognize, and don’t like very much.

    We turn into someone who’s putting up a
    cheerful, caring front, when what we really feel
    is anger and disappointment.

    There are ways to talk to a man no matter how
    he’s feeing, so that you don’t get the short end
    of the stick and end up being a “doormat”.

    The amazing thing is – when we take a chance,
    and lift that nice, cheerful cover off of how we
    really feel – even if we find the “blues” there –
    our men do a turnaround.

    They can’t help it.

    Men are completely drawn in by a woman who’s
    feeling what she’s really feeling – no covering
    up.

    As long as he’s not being attacked or blamed,
    or asked to FIX it, he would rather be with you,
    feeling you feel what you’re feeling, than with
    himself – feeling his very own “blues.”



  419.  #419Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    You Are the Gift Rori Raye tool

    It’s as though we appreciate men MORE when
    they’re stand-offish and difficult and NOT
    APPRECIATIVE of US than we do when they’re
    committed, caring and responsible.

    This old pattern of being attracted to men who
    are PHYSICALLY drawn to us, but have no interest
    in finding out who we are and LOVING us for the
    long term is all about self-esteem.

    Instead of looking to all the things you’re
    doing and thinking that are working against you,
    not serving you, and keeping you BELIEVING that
    your MAN is the prize and you must work to “get”
    him, and trying to understand those things and to
    stop doing them (all my programs will give you so
    many valuable Tools to help you with that) – for
    today, let’s try something different.

    Let’s just go with a new idea, and that is:

    YOU are the gift.

    Doesn’t matter where you are, or who you’re a
    gift for, or what it is about you that’s a gift
    (there are so many, many things that are gift-like
    about you) – but just that you ARE a gift.

    In general.

    For the butcher, the baker and the candlestick
    maker, the sun and the moon and the stars, the
    animals and flowers and insects, the air, the sky,
    and the wind.

    Just the fact that you BREATHE.

    I have my own opinions and fantasies about how
    we all got here, and what we’re each doing in this
    very spot at this very time, and why everyone in
    our lives at this very moment is in our lives.

    I have opinions, too, about why we’re here at
    all, and what we should and shouldn’t be doing
    about it.

    And I know that you do, too.

    You have VERY POWERFUL feelings about how the
    world works and about your unique and particular
    place in it.

    So let’s take YOUR feelings and beliefs about
    all this, and put yourself into an imaginary field
    of gorgeous love and light – so beautiful it wraps
    you in love and light like a protected, treasured
    gift.

    See if a beautiful color comes into your mind,
    and let the love and light be that color.

    Let the bows and decorations and sparkles of
    your field of light be made with magic dust from
    the outer reaches of the Universe and the inner
    depths of your own heart.

    Now, just say: “I am a gift.”

    Let’s make it your “mantra” for today.

    Repeat it over and over to yourself – out loud
    and in your mind, and let your body and your
    heartbeat take over repeating it – so it just sort
    of “lives” inside your body and rides on your
    breath and heartbeat.

    Let it just “hang out” inside you,
    effortlessly.

    Whenever you look at a man, or think of one, if
    you find yourself with that sinking feeling, that
    question coming up into your brain that says “What
    do I have to do NOW to get him and keep him?” – go
    back to your “I am a gift” mantra.

    Imagine your protected, magical field of love
    surrounding you, holding you, bathing you in
    beautiful light, in a beautiful color, and go back
    to your “I am a gift” thought.

    I know you certainly are a gift to me, and I
    KNOW that you are a gift to your MAN.

    So, when you catch yourself wanting to TELL him
    how great you are and how he needs to treat you
    better, or you catch yourself trying to SHOW him
    how great you are and why he should want to commit
    fully to you, or your girlfriends or your own
    thoughts tell you you’re not treating yourself
    with respect – for today – just say to yourself “I
    am a gift.”

    Even if you don’t believe it this minute – if
    you say it and think it and feel it enough times
    today, by tonight you’ll feel like the gift you
    truly are.

    Try it, and let me know how it works.

    In the meantime – I’ll hold this for you: I
    have an iron-will, “sure as the sun is coming up
    tomorrow” belief that this is TRUE – that YOU ARE
    A GIFT to a man, and that the moment you even get
    that THOUGHT going – he’ll SEE IT!

    Yes. Something will happen.

    Your own “vibe” will change, he’ll feel it, and
    all of a sudden the roles will reverse.

    YOU will be the gift and the prize, and HE will
    be the one looking at YOU with WONDER.



  420.  #420Lucy on March 26, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    “I still have a visceral reaction to mine sometimes and wonder if it affects my current efforts at love…” (Boomer)

    That’s why I am expressing a desire and a means for abused women to not only be healed from the pain of abuse, but also to be able to move into healthy relationships — and especially to avoid repeating the past.

    I’m sorry if I have created difficulty for you. I don’t want to do that.

    <3
    Lucy



  421.  #421life_is_too_short_to... on March 26, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    Endless longing: Why you want More From Him

    these are some notes I jotted down from a David Deida audio i was listening to. http://www.deida.info/audiolisten1

    I find it to be an interesting perspective.

    DD:
    Longing will ALWAYS be there, even in relationship
    with a man you’re in love with…
    you’re always wanting more or better or different…

    You have to become aware that you are setting up your life so that you DON’T get the love you want, in order to have the drama of not getting the love you want so you have a reason to live.

    (LITS: It reminds me of something I read elsewhere, that in general, women feel more attraction for a man who they are not sure about if the man is into them or not.)

    DD: If you got the love you wanted, it would never be enough, and so you cannot get the love you want.

    You have to destroy the love you want in the same way the masculine has to destroy the success it’s already made. Like, I wrote this book, i had a success, but I can’t just leave it there. It’s like, what’s the book that I may not be able to write…i may fail, I may not be able to do it. Makes me want to write a book I can’t write. This turns the masculine on.

    The feminine loses something when she says,” I have a great man, I love him, it’s great”, but….you can’t live with great love, it’s impossible, (there’s not enough tension, suspense, drama)

    You are longing for a man to be in your life, for someone to take care of the structure, but you are also living your life in a way that prohibits that from happening…and (this is the hard part to make the connection to), so that you could feel alive.

    And the way the feminine feels alive is in the drama of POSSIBLE love, not in the attainment or enjoyment of love.

    ———

    Seems to me, the feminine loves the pursuit just as much as the masculine, but in a different way.

    xxoo
    LiFe*



  422.  #422Celtic Blue on March 26, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    By the way, what do you all say to men who are needy and clingy vines who you are happy to see only as friends (especially as the friends status goes way back) ? (There has never been sex and there is no kissing either now.)

    I have tried telling this guy, teacher man, ” I feel happy to see you as a friend but I am dating others now and not looking for more with you”. This just made him keener. He said the fact that a lot of men wanted me only made me more attractive!
    Uuugh.

    I thought to myself “I love you but I am not in love with you ! ”

    I NEVER EVER thought i could know what that phrase meant . It was said to me by someone i was in love with who wanted a FWB relationship only with me. I didnt understand it till now.

    Those words made me very unhappy . I would never say it to teacher man as he would focus on the wrong bit and misinterpret loving friendship. This problem with clingy over- pleasing T-man has taught me SO MUCH .

    It has even brought closure over my past. Wow!

    Anyway , I dont know how to hose him down without rejecting outright. He’s not hearing me .
    (Was I really like that once?)

    Any sirens suggestions appreciated.



  423.  #423Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    RE 418 CelticBlue I just posted in 419 a Going into his Tunnels newsletter from Rori that might help you. Welcome and I know those feelings. He I am assuming is a man that feels whole in a relationship so he is like a fish out of water when he is not in one. Maybe that is the reason he is pushing for one. Your feelings are telling you what direction to go in, trust yourself.



  424.  #424Boomer on March 26, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    Celtic Blue, yes it’s disconcerting when you see your past self reflected in the men you date when you get siren-y. But sooooooooo cool, no????!!!



  425.  #425Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    Seems when you reject them it attracts them.



  426.  #426Boomer on March 26, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    Lucy and FW, I do understand where you are coming from. TRUE forgiveness means not dwelling on the past anymore, and I do still dwell. I guess it’s hard to be called on it. I know I have work to do here.

    Thanks for sharing your insight with me.



  427.  #427life_is_too_short_to... on March 26, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    Yes, it’s like the more I don’t care, the more they pursue. I have one guy who I had to get a lot of distance from in order to sever the emotional bond, but now we can be friends, (he is the old toxic long distance man who lives five hours away), the more I insult him, the more he enjoys me. Now, that’s just wrong!!
    😉



  428.  #428Celtic Blue on March 26, 2011 at 10:07 pm

    Boomer and FW,

    Thanks for posting the Newsletter , yes that clingy cobweb vibe of his is his tunnel and it feels scary and I dont want to be in there !!!

    And its also true that he only knows himself in relationship, not as single. He was seeing someone for many years and she rejected him and now he is doing the post breakup frantic scurrying for a new partner… And I like him but I am not his spare tyre!



  429.  #429life_is_too_short_to... on March 26, 2011 at 10:07 pm

    And also with the one I spend the most time with,
    he loves it when I show raw emotion, like when I say, “you are so full of shit”. I myself dislike myself when I try to cover up what I am feeling by being cheerful, like Rori describes in her e letter.

    xxLiFe*



  430.  #430Celtic Blue on March 26, 2011 at 10:12 pm

    LITS

    “The more I insult him the more he enjoys me”.
    Human nature is weird!

    I suggested T-man go online and he wrote up a profile and reported back to me that he had now met and dated five women in a week, but really I was the one he had feelings for. Now dont forget he is 2 weeks post breakup of very lengthy relationship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  431.  #431Femininewoman on March 26, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    Remember when guys feel they feel intensely. This is one of the reasons they avoid emotions.



  432.  #432Celtic Blue on March 26, 2011 at 10:22 pm

    I think the answer is clearly looking at me.

    Honestly I am flattered by the attention esp as I had a crush on him back in college days , and I am enjoying the power trip..is that Rock Star?

    I also wanted to explore a little and see if there were any potential in the future with teacher man. He is a good guy in many respects.

    But he is vulnerable and I have to be careful .I will minimise contact , no FB chats , ration out coffee meetings and insist on paying my own way

    .Now having written that I am asking myself ..

    Why do I have to look after his feelings?
    Why must i give him safe friendship?
    Why must i stay away from tempting him with my presence
    ?
    Who said a “nice girl” would do all that for an old friend????????????



  433.  #433life_is_too_short_to... on March 26, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    409 feminine woman
    you;re welcome and i so agree about the taking responsibility for my mistakes but without the shame, blame, guilt and victim mentality, which gives me the chance to do it better next time, avoiding pitfalls and habit patterns. Getting more siren=y by the day~

    XXoo
    LiFe*



  434.  #434life_is_too_short_to... on March 26, 2011 at 10:52 pm

    431 Celtic Blue

    Yes, human nature is weird!

    I read somewhere that a man will typically not get angry with you unless he cares. I don’t think that is always the case. I think some people definitely need anger management and are projecting their c#rap onto others.

    I do not like feeling scared or threatened by a man’s anger, but what is worse is that passive aggressive garbage that tries to pass itself off as genuine affection trying to mask toxic anger. eeuuww.

    Yes, Celtic Blue, you have a high degree of difficulty for this man, and that is quite the fuel making him have feelings for you.

    Many of the coaches also often say that there is absolutely nothing, bar none, than a woman who is single pointedly focused on creating her own happiness for herself, without compromising herself, her values and who she is, for a man.

    I know that I just plain feel so much happier myself when I am doing that, so that is what must be the attractor, the happiness shining’ but who cares what it is, really…

    xxoo
    “LiFe(*



  435.  #435T-Girl on March 26, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    Had a great time at the ballroom dance class. There were 2 couples there and another single woman. We learned the waltz, cha cha and nightclub. One of the ladies takes alot of the dance classes around the area and we exchanged numbers – she is going to let me know when she and her boyfriend go to the other dance classes and invite me along. She knows lots of single men who love to dance and will invite me along if one of them needs a partner. I almost chickened out about going and am so glad I did. It was fun! They do it once a month so I am definitely going again next month.



  436.  #436life_is_too_short_to... on March 26, 2011 at 10:55 pm

    I should have said “nothing, bar none, more attractive than…..”



  437.  #437turquoise3 on March 26, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    Hi everyone,

    I have been trying to scan all the posts I missed, but I’m still about 200 behind, and I can’t keep my eyes open. I’ve been feeling blah… still no word from Tom, I deleted all his texts and changed his name in my phone to Don’t Answer Me…. but I finally feel sad, really disappointed that he did the disappearing guy thing, just didn’t seem like that type of guy. I had a crappy week, very busy at work, and with my kids this weekend. I did go to the library a few days ago and got out a bunch of books I wanted. Always feels good to lose myself in a book. I’m still getting emails on POF, only one or two I’d consider meeting, but I’m in such a blah place right now, think I need a little time for myself. Today would have been 17 years for me and my ex husband if we were still together, hard to believe so much time has passed. Enjoy your Sunday’s ladies… will post again soon!



  438.  #438life_is_too_short_to... on March 26, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    436 T Girl
    what you wrote makes me want to look into some of the local dance clubs. thanks!

    xxooLiFe*



  439.  #439Jacqueline on March 26, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    What is metaphor? or are frogs men or are men Princes??

    Frogs…and men – or, are frogs men? Princes to be exact. Frogs are jumping up all around me this season of greening. A metaphor is the concept of understanding one thing in terms of another. Somedays, I think I understand men and somedays – they are just frogs and what’s that about? And ewww…..why would I ever want to kiss something that might give me warts?!

    Kaleigh @ Narcisssismfree.com – http://www.narcissismfree.com/ has a great story of a narcissistic frog that I’ll be publishing soon and I just got a fabulous gift from Dr. Gilda @Dr. Gilda.com – http://www.drgilda.com/ .

    The book, Don’t Bet on the Prince that has just been re-published asks a very interesting question in the forward.

    Dr. Gilda’s book became a Jeopardy question, was converted to an audio book that her blind mother got to hear, made her an introduction to a real live prince and created all sorts of openings and opportunities in her life.

    And she wants me to list what accomplishment I’ve made in the last five years, and what are five offshoots of that? Honestly, can simply surviving be an accomplishment? Because that’s all I’ve got. The ending of an 8 year relationship with a narcissist, the attempted suicide of a friend, the loss of my job, the evacuations of hurricane after hurricane until one hit and destroyed homes a half a mile from me, the re-couping, the re-building, the re-foresting of all the lost trees, the re-planting in my heart – all of those things are works in progress. But they’re all I’ve got.

    So, Dr. Gilda is going to teach me how to bet on myself -and win. Great! Because I could use a win, and surviving – for me – isn’t winning, it’s just getting by.

    And we all deserve so much more than getting by, don’t we? So I invite you to take the challenge. What have you created in the last five years that’s had five positive outshoots in your life? And, hey, if you’ve got nothing, or one, or two….sprouts, tall plants or frogs in hiding (or even ladies in waiting, let’s use that as a metaphor for a true friend indeed) it’s a start. No, it’s a grand accomplishment. We’ve made it this far and we’ll make through the next five years. And this time, we’ll bet on ourselves and we’ll make a plan. And don’t you just love it when a plan comes together?

    Unfurling,

    Jacqueline



  440.  #440Brenda on March 27, 2011 at 12:08 am

    Turquoise,

    Books can feel like such friends! It feels like a luxury these days to curl up in bed with a warm, friendly book and just absorb, relax, and enjoy! 🙂

    So hard to say goodbye to a man in your heart> 🙁



  441.  #441Brenda on March 27, 2011 at 12:09 am

    T-Girl,

    RE: #436 – Yay! Happy to hear you danced! That’s living life out loud!



  442.  #442Brenda on March 27, 2011 at 12:12 am

    FW & all,

    RE: #426 – I am back to being friends with Ryan. 🙂 Last night I was unleashing some anger that I was sick of sitting on…he went from barely texting me to calling me! We ended up having a very friendly, warm conversation, and I felt so much better!

    For me, the valuable thing isn’t rejecting a man per se, but simply being genuine! No more walking on eggshells for me!



  443.  #443Brenda on March 27, 2011 at 12:20 am

    Lucy and Alonka,

    Re: #298 – I want a baby, so much! But I want a good husband first. Grrrr.



  444.  #444Brenda on March 27, 2011 at 12:25 am

    Queenbee,

    RE: #357 – You said, “I’ve lost all my motivation and mojo – all I do now is read – Rori tools and everything else that I want to read. At least it makes me feel like I’m doing something and hopefully when this cloud passes, I’ll actually be better off with more knowledge and wisdom. Does this sound truly insane?”

    It sounds totally healthy! Growing, becoming, thinking, feeling, and being are very valuable uses of time…

    Best, Bren



  445.  #445Brenda on March 27, 2011 at 12:29 am

    LG,

    I was reading your comments about Rori’s teleclasses. I hope and pray I will be able to participate soon! She is so wise and kind! I miss her being on the blog…

    Thanks for sharing!



  446.  #446Brenda on March 27, 2011 at 12:30 am

    (((Eileeen))),

    Re: #330 – Hugs! 🙂



  447.  #447Brenda on March 27, 2011 at 12:32 am

    Daria,

    RE: #316 – You said, “think gentle. Notice when you use harsh expressions and punishment such as ‘whak me long upside the head’. Gently notice and feel joyful because noticing means you have taken the first step.

    Then comfort yourself and choose soft, loving words .”

    I really like this! This is one of the most valuable things I have learned on this blog! I noticed the gentleness from the start.



  448.  #448Brenda on March 27, 2011 at 12:34 am

    Daria,

    RE: #312 – You said, ” had decoded I was gona do something to beautify or please myself instead of call men … But what?”

    I like this, too! How bout self-pleasuring? 😉



  449.  #449Brenda on March 27, 2011 at 12:36 am

    Eileen,

    RE: #309 – You said, “I am very big into herbals. I have neck problem I deal with that way and am doing very well.”

    My Mom is 78, and she is having extreme pain in the muscular area of her neck, on the side and down into her back and shoulder. Can you please give me some suggestions?



  450.  #450Brenda on March 27, 2011 at 12:59 am

    I like Ryan too much. 🙂



  451.  #451KS on March 27, 2011 at 2:41 am

    Ok….WTF? Tonight I was out. This is the second time in 2 months that I have seen some young guy who looks EXACTLY like toxic man. Could have been his twin. Why is the universe torturing me???????



  452.  #452Ella on March 27, 2011 at 3:48 am

    Hello Blog.

    Hello Sirens.

    Well I have not been on here for AGES as have been working really hard.

    I am building up my business and am hoping to move out of my parents place again soon, and rent myself a nice little place of my own.

    So I have been very focused on that.

    I feel excited about my future and having my own business and my own place again. It will feel so good.

    I finally went in the pub again last night. With a friend of mine who just got back safely from Japan. She is a very strong and happy woman and I always feel good when I spend time around her.

    So I saw Mr B for the first time since we broke up.

    He was working.

    At first he avoided my eye, then eventually we made eye contact and acknowledged each other.

    There was a band so I was drinking and dancing with some other girls. I felt his eyes on me quite a few times but when I looked he would quickly look away, and have to admit that my eyes were drawn to him a few times (which I feel a bit annoyed about, I would prefer to be totally over him) and then I would look away… ha, it was kinda weird.

    Later he was collecting money for the band and we ended up interacting a bit more.

    I stayed till the end with a few other locals and my plan was to walk back after. I have one night out per week at the moment and I was planning to make the most of it but I felt a little bit weird at one point when the thought came into my head ‘what if B thinks I am waiting on him’.

    But I put it out my head and replaced it with ‘I will do what I want to’.

    There was this other girl very blatently hitting on B which felt weird. But I just didn’t mind. As in I felt confident that she doesn’t have what I have (a Siren doesn’t hit on men). I don’t mean to seem concieted with that, however it feels good to feel confident in that way.

    Then B offered me a lift home. He was driving cus he had to drive the band back but he offered to drop me separately first.

    This was really nice of him as it meant leaving the pub and doing an extra journey especially for me. It felt nice for him to offer this.

    In the van we did not talk. I kept having the urge to say something and kept biting my tongue right up to the last minute when he was about to drop me off and I said ‘I wanted to talk to you anyway so that there was no akwardness’.

    This thought had been in my head since my friend had said he would probably feel more nervous than me bc he was the ‘dumpee’ so to speak.

    He took it to mean I wanted to have a long conversation with him and he was like ‘what now?’. And I felt the energy drop! Ick! He was in a hurry cus he had left the pub open and had to drop off the band.

    Then I immediatley felt a bit icky, like I was asking for his time.

    I felt like that stereotypical woman who always wants to have long, drawn out ‘relationship’ talks. Which I don’t!!!!! Not at all.

    I said something like ‘no, that was it’ as in that was all I wanted to say. I had meant it like I hoped we would literally speak to one another, which we had, to break the ice, cus I wanted to feel comfortable.

    Anyway I felt a little bit silly then, like I was trying to get his time, which made me feel lower status.

    Only a minor thing really but a bit icky.

    So, I paused, looked at him and then said thank you for the lift and got out and left.

    So all in all I am pleased with how the whole encounter went.

    I feel ok.

    I still have feelings for him, but they are mixed. As in I still feel drawn in my heart but on the other hand I still see all the reasons I ended it, and they still feel the same (as in I could not be with him and feel ok).

    But there is a part of me that still wants him to want me.

    And there is also a part that is like ‘humph, why don’t you just change for me? Stop doing that icky powder and step up and be with me!’ And feels rejected that he doesn’t.

    But that is not my choice. Nor is it personal. But there is a kinda childish part of me that still wants that.

    And the adult part kinda knows better and still feels ok that he is sending me the arrows that he is capable of.

    I feel fear of him not wanting me, even though I will not be with him right now. Which feels perverse.

    And I have recognised that there is a danger of me making him the prize in my mind. NO NO NO, I AM THE PRIZE!

    I am going go and read a load of Rori stuff about being the prize to cement that in my head.

    Well I think I looked good last night and felt good and when I was dancing lots of people were looking at me and kinda gracitating towards me which felt really good.

    I love it when my vibe is like that.

    And I guess the thing to remember is that I am allowed to still have feelings about B, and just feel what I feel, and that is ok.

    Also I feel very pleased that I have been to the pub now and feel comfortable tha I can go whenever I want to.

    In other news I have a date with a new guy lined up for next Sat. He asked for my number while I was on that date a few weeks ago with the ‘bag’ guy. Ha ha!

    He is really cute so we shall see how that goes.

    I think I may review Targeting Mr Right and maybe Modern Siren cus I need to remember how to CD and remind myself why I don’t want a boyfriend.

    But I intend to have a husband.

    And meantime I intend to feel really good and recieve what men have to give me.

    Hope all other Sirens are good and I plan to read and catch up on the blog.

    xoxoxoxox



  453.  #453Celtic Blue on March 27, 2011 at 4:11 am

    I was wondering how Sirens generally deal with amalgamating families , that is if the guy has kids and you do too, what then?

    Teacher mans last relationship broke down because of this. They couldnt all live together in harmony and one of his kids moved out. Her twins totally went wild, apparently it was a mess. I only knew them slightly while all this was going on and he would ask my advice occasionally .

    Recently his ex GF ended it because of this issue . And he is out “on the market” again. But so much baggage. My kids are older and out of the house so no doubt thats attractive to him by comparison.. And believe me I dont want to take on a man whose ego I have to prop up. uuughhh.

    I am sure i am only writing this out to get rid of the GUILT I feel for somehow letting down an old friend , or not agreeing to date him because he wants to, or for not sitting up and begging for a treat. I even feel a little bad about my Degree of Difficulty somehow leading him on !!!!

    My head is seriously screwed . Too many years of trying to please men 🙂

    And I am just going to get on and focus on my own happiness …



  454.  #454Eileen on March 27, 2011 at 4:13 am

    #449 Brenda

    Has your mother ever had a neck xray or MRI? She could have a pinched nerve? It is important to know if there is some sort of calcium deposit perhaps pressing on a nerve. My neurologist told me to use a chiropractor as my condition is a narrowing of the spinal canal. He is also very much against pain killer as long term use damages the kidneys and liver.

    If it is a pinched nerve and ice pack on the most tender point helps me. When pain is severe rest for a couple of days. She may have to change what she does or how she does it. I am not suppose to lift anything over 8 LBS, but lift the grandchildren anyway and survive. I am not suppose to look up or raise my arms over shoulder height as it cramps things up in the neck. Not always doable so when I have to do such activities I wear a cervical collar. Also use that on long trips in the car.

    For the pain New Chapter’s Zyflamend and I forgot I also use Valerian root as it is a nervine, but most commonly use for sleep. I had a friend with neck surgery gone wrong that no drugs help with the pain, but Valerian root worked for her.



  455.  #455Lisa on March 27, 2011 at 4:18 am

    Really disappointed. Was chatting with someone on a dating website and then I googled him and the pics he sent are not him, at least now. Ugh. Plus from what found he is married. I had a screen name that he had given me and that is how I located him and knew it was him. Yuck. I feel angry because if this is the kind of crap I will keep getting, it is so not worth it.



  456.  #456Ella on March 27, 2011 at 4:28 am

    Ok, interesting stuff. Just processing…

    I feel a need to come out ‘on top’ in the situation with Mr B. I feel a need to ‘master’ this situation.

    Is this an attempt to control? Let it go Ella… let it flow.

    What is this about? Maybe my fear of feeling rejected?

    Hmm, maybe.

    Maybe a need to prove ‘I am ok’ and not be vulnerable.

    But I don’t really need to do this.

    I can be vulnerable and ok.

    Like last night I kept feeling a bit shaky/vulnerable. And the temptation was to plaster a smile on my face and ‘show’ everyone what a great time I was having, even at the times when I wasn’t.

    But that isn’t authentic. So I decided to let my face just do whatever I was feeling, rather than pasted on smile.

    And I just danced when I felt good.

    That felt better.

    What qualities does B have that I feel I am missing?

    Hmm, the ability to be Rockstar maybe (although I think a lot of it is front rather than real inner strength) but I think I feel envious of his apparent ability to just get on with things regardless of his feelings.

    That looks like freedom to me and I want some of that!

    Although I don’t want to stuff my feelings I don’t want to be at the mercy of them either.

    There is a balance here for me, especially if I can let go of trying to control any outcomes with situation with B, Or even thinking through any outcomes.

    Just express Ella, and be suprised.

    Feels good to know I can go to the pub when I want to. And that he is there.

    And I will not go on a regular basis, but I will go sometimes.

    That feels ok.

    I sometimes feel weak. I have read the stories of other Sirens on here who I view as strong who have had similar situations with ex’s and have held their boundaries, ie: they would not get back with their ex without a whole lot of work on his part.

    I guess the same is true for me but sometimes I don’t feel it. I feel like if he came at me I might give in. But I have told him not to come at me! (when we broke up).

    But I know I wouldn’t be with him while he still has his issue.

    So I guess I am stronger than I think.

    I just sometimes have an underneath belief that I am not really good enough to have a man really work to be with me.

    I know I am but there’s a NV which says men will not work hard to be with me like they do with other Sirens.

    There is the work!

    Ok, got it.

    Thank you Universe! 🙂

    Also the need to want to control this particular situation.

    Ok Ella how would it feel to just let it go (trying to control) ? ?

    Hmmm, it might feel ok.

    To just accept whatever outcome even if it is not what I would choose?

    Hmm, it might be ok.

    Feel a bit sad/resistant though that I could not have a happily ever after with B.

    Feels like tighty panic in chest.

    What is this about?

    It is about my fear that I can’t have what I want (a great relationship) and that part that wants to control this situation is just simply trying to get that for me, in the only way it knows how.

    This is ok.

    It is a stuck part of me.

    I need soothing that part. Like ‘it is ok little panicky part! I promise we will be ok. You have done the best you can for me but there is no need to struggle anymore. I will take it from here, I can look after us and I will get us what we want.’

    There there.

    Lol 🙂



  457.  #457Ella on March 27, 2011 at 4:52 am

    Lovin this:

    Rori:

    So – get yourself out there, with the time you have apart from all the other things you’re doing in your life – and let a REAL MAN date you, treat you the brilliant way you deserve, love you up, and make you feel good.

    You’ll learn to love yourself…which is always step one in allowing a man to really love you. And a great man (I define a great man as one who loves YOU) will find you and make you happy.

    We are all easily swayed by power and our own estimation of “greatness” and the “dream man” qualities we hold dear. The best thing we can do for ourselves is to switch our sense of judgment around a man. Forget about who he is, what he does, how much power, looks, money or status he has.

    Instead – look at how he treats you. Look at how he makes you feel. A great man is one who can love. Who knows how to love like a MAN. When you can look for that in a man, and SEE that when it shows up…then power will flow to you, through you, through both of you…everything expands, everything gets better…

    Right on Rori Raye!

    🙂



  458.  #458Lisa on March 27, 2011 at 4:55 am

    “I get what I want by not expecting. I get more than I want by not having an agenda.”

    Thank you tinque for this. It really helps. Letting go of expectations and outcomes have been a lifelong struggle for me. I feel anxious when I am wanting an outcome. I feel relieved when I know it is not up to me to do it.



  459.  #459Eileen on March 27, 2011 at 5:03 am

    Need some feedback on this from anyone.

    Briefly, have been communicating with old flame of 25 years ago for almost 2 years. Most of this time I got a message or call from him at least once a week . Twice I was suppose to go visit him and he got cold feet. Last time was Feb. no explanation and I did ask for one. Now the calls and emails are now every 2 weeks.

    Got this yesterday and have not responded yet.

    “Thinking of you

    Have been meaning to call and promise I will very soon

    Thoughts,

    Txxx

    Action may not bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action”

    The saying above is on all his emails and his message was followed by this thought of the day that has me wondering if it is some sort of message for me. Do I bother to respond? If I do How?

    Two Traveling Angels…….. this one will make you think twice!!!!! ..

    Keep reading to the bottom of the page — don’t
    stop at the feet (You’ll see).

    Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a
    wealthy family.

    The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the
    mansion’s guest room.

    Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.

    As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole
    in the wall and repaired it.

    When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied,

    “Things aren’t always what they seem”

    The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but
    very hospitable farmer and his wife.

    After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels
    sleep in their bed where they could have a good night’s rest.

    When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and
    his wife in tears.

    Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in
    the field.

    The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could
    you have let this happen?
    The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused.

    The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and
    you let the cow die..

    “Things aren’t always what they seem,” the older angel replied.

    “When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was
    gold stored in that hole in the wall.

    Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his
    good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn’t find it.”

    “Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death
    came for his wife I gave him the cow instead.

    Things aren’t always what they seem.”

    Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don’t turn out
    the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that
    every out come is always to your advantage. You just might not know it
    until some time later…
    Oooo
    Some people ( )
    come into our lives ) /
    and quickly go.. (_ /

    oooO
    ( ) Some people
    \ ( become friends
    \_ ) and stay awhile…

    leaving beautiful Oooo
    footprints on our ( )
    hearts… ) /
    ( _/

    oooO
    ( ) and we are
    \ ( never
    \_ ) quite the same
    because we have
    made a good
    friend!!

    Yesterday is history.
    Tomorrow a mystery.
    Today is a gift.
    That’s why it’s called the present!

    I think this is special…live and savor every
    moment… This is not a dress rehearsal!

    (\ /)
    ( \ __ / )
    ( \()/ )
    ( / \ ) TAKE THIS LITTLE ANGEL
    ( / \/ \ ) AND KEEP HER CLOSE TO YOU
    / \ SHE IS YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL
    ( ) SENT TO WATCH OVER YOU
    ____

    THIS IS A SPECIAL GUARDIAN ANGEL… YOU MUST PASS THIS ON WITHIN THE HOUR OF RECEIVING HER,

    IF YOU HAVE PASSED HER ON, SHE WILL WATCH OVER YOU FOREVER….
    IF NOT, HER TEARS WILL FLOW

    Now don’t delete this message, because it comes from a very special
    angel.

    Right Now –

    -somebody is thinking of you.
    -somebody is caring about you.
    -somebody misses you
    -somebody wants to talk to you.
    -somebody wants to be with you.
    -somebody hopes you aren’t in trouble.
    -somebody is thankful for the support you have provided.
    -somebody wants to hold your hand.
    -somebody hopes everything turns out all right..
    -somebody wants you to be happy.
    -somebody wants you to find him/her.
    -somebody is celebrating your successes.
    -somebody wants to give you a gift.
    -somebody thinks that you ARE a gift.
    -somebody loves you.
    -somebody admires your strength.
    -somebody is thinking of you and smiling.
    -somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on.

    SOMEBODY NEEDS YOU TO SEND THIS TO THEM

    Never take away anyone’s hope. That may be all they have.



  460.  #460Ella on March 27, 2011 at 5:35 am

    Lisa re 458

    Me too!

    What Tinque wrote is great. 🙂



  461.  #461Alonka on March 27, 2011 at 6:27 am

    FW, SLV,

    It’s not my fear that’s keeping me from having a relationship. It’s my ‘high standards’. I don’t have a specific ‘list’, but learned by now what turns me on. And that is a guy being smart, graduating from a good school, someone who did something great with his life, kind, considerate, cultured, etc. It may feel shallow to someone, I understand, but to me it’s someone I can’t connect to on many different levels. It also means that with a guy like this I feel that I’m ‘needed’ on many different levels. Not just as someone who’s nice, pretty and makes good dinner for e.g. 😉



  462.  #462Alonka on March 27, 2011 at 6:40 am

    “I get what I want by not expecting. I get more than I want by not having an agenda.”

    Haha I’m coming from the opposite side. I never had an agenda, but so many times when everything failed wished/was advised that I did 😉 Yet, when it comes to it again and again, I just can’t do it, or take very little baby steps towards it.

    It only works with a person who loves you and is committed to you deeply anyway. It’s with him you shouldn’t insult him by having an agenda I feel 😉



  463.  #463SAngelina on March 27, 2011 at 7:53 am

    Good Morning Sirens, wonderful ladies…you are life savers!

    I’ve been on this blog for a year! silently reading and growing tremendously. On my anniversary of discovering this emotional refuge, I just had to become visible and reach out to say “Thank you” to Rori and all of you who have changed my life through sharing your stories, experiences (good and bad) and advice. For the first time in my life (over 40) I feel confident in my abililty to “do” relationship.

    I especially appreciate Tinque, Daria, Lucy, Siena, SS whose postings I’ve closely followed for a year!
    More recently, FeminineWoman thanks for all your research work and generously sharing with us all.

    Brenda, we joined about the same time…happy anniversary. You have more courage than you know. You had the courage to share your life and stories with others and accept the frequent backlash with grace, I so admire you. I stayed in the background but quickly realized that we were going through similar things so I absorbed all that was going on and it helped me a lot. Thanks for letting me ride on your back. You have a wonderful heart and I pray that the right man comes along who will treasure and protect that heart. You’ve mentioned your weight struggles too, I had that too. I’ve lost quite a bit which has raised my esteem even further, I now see that guys I was attracted to when I was much heavier, no longer appeal to me. I have more choices. Would you like to try sparkpeople.com? That website and this are my 2 current obsessions and have both changed my life.

    Next post I have a question…pls sirens comment



  464.  #464Prairie Girl on March 27, 2011 at 7:55 am

    I FOUND IT!!! I FOUND IT!!!
    The Fisher King movie clip I LOVE!!!!!! The one I keep talking about!!!!!
    I wish this kinda love for all of us who want it… Dang but I can relate to her…
    It’s only 4.5 min long.
    http://youtu.be/4qo1Oi8lwtA
    PG



  465.  #465Lilybelle on March 27, 2011 at 7:57 am

    The only thing that matters is this entry on your list: “When I’m with him, and even when I’m NOT with him – I feel loved, cared for, happy and secure. “ That’s it.

    I completely heart this message from Rori’s Rules..



  466.  #466Lilybelle on March 27, 2011 at 8:03 am

    464:

    Awwww, darn it PG, now I’m crying.

    I am SUCH a sap.



  467.  #467T-Girl on March 27, 2011 at 8:11 am

    The book Soumate Secret discusses making a Treasure Map. My hairdresser was telling me she made one years ago and what was on hers came true. I’m curious if anyone on here has made one? I think I may start one when I have some down time. I guess it woulnt hurt?



  468.  #468life_is_too_short_to... on March 27, 2011 at 8:16 am

    Hey Alonka,

    Speaking for myself, but you may find something that resonates, too….

    I believe there is a distinct difference between having an agenda/expectations and sticking to your own standards/values for what you want for yourself and for your life. Boundaries.

    But I think that sometimes many of us start mixing them up, operating under the belief that, having no agenda/expectations means “anything goes”.

    Whatever he does is fine, and I am the one that should just adapt, be overly patient,