How To Stop Chasing Men Out of Fear That Nothing Will Happen If You Don’t Chase

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Victoria is my client – and I got her permission to reprint some of our email conversations…really, really helpful:

First – from Rori: Victoria – it was great to talk with you – I hope it’s okay with you that I was so firm and tough on you ..this is where “coaching” is so different from therapy…imagine you’re an elite sports player out there with the ball – as your coach…I keep pushing you…

I do not like to see you repeating your old patterns that you came to me to eradicate just because you’re resisting doing the work so hard.

Some clients resist Circular Dating so much, and I sense their emotional fragility and I don’t push them, but instead try to ease them out of depression or into a better frame of mind…with you…I don’t feel fragility as much as other things that I can more easily push you past. I just feel there’s a fear-based insistence on your masculine energy – and you just don’t want to let go of it…and I just think “awareness” in the Eastern spiritual tradition will go a long, long way to help you.

Please just get Targeting Mr. Right and make the decision to “do the work” on yourself THROUGH interacting with men, so that you can “give up” working so hard when you’re WITH a man.

There really are great men out there. You aren’t bringing them into your life because you’re not used to doing and not doing what will help you relate to these men. You are still wanting what’s not good for you. This is SO totally natural – every one of my clients comes in like this, and the speed with which you move forward is totally up to you.

I just give you the Tools and teach you how to use them. YOU have to do the work. It’s like learning anything – a language (and feminine, feeling-based language IS a new language for you…), an instrument…you have to do the scales, you have to practice. Thank goodness there are so many ways now to get around men.

I challenge you to track yourself every moment…to Listen at level 2, to practice every Tool you’ve got from me so far – and do it SERIOUSLY, with intent, round the clock, wherever you are – ESPECIALLY when you’re in the presence of a man – through email, phone, or in person. If you want a step-by-step “what do I say” kind of thing – that’s in Targeting…and I’m doing scripting teleclasses, too, to help.

You can DO THIS!!!!

I have such total, absolute faith in you and your intelligence – I KNOW you can do this, and that’s why I’m pushing you.

Otherwise, I’d just listen and nod and take your money. Love, Rori

Now, from Victoria: “Hi Rori ;

So i got a knock at my house early this am, it was my guy neighbor to let me know my car got broken into…not good ….so I’m dealing with that.
I feel stressed and vulnerable of course,, i would like to reach out to the married Dr but i know i probably shouldn’t he obviously doesn’t care enough about me…. I also like my neighbor and he has told me he finds me attractive and i have been really been wanting to see him but wish that it was under better circumstances..

I feel more scared and vulnerable than other usual a bit needy i suppose , cause i feel alone and a bit desperate or in need for protection or a hug or comfort, i guess the break in makes me more needy. I don’t know how to relate to my neighbor guy. i would like to reach out to him his name is Greg but i don’t want to scare him away with my neediness at this time…

From Rori: Being upset about your car being broken into is so totally normal – did you let him see that? All you need to do is thank him when you see him for letting you know, and SHARE with him how vulnerable and upset you feel…See what happens…

From Victoria: You would be proud of me ….despite my internal anguish i got myself to the gym and later at the tea house said hi to a guy whom really was interesting and he asked me for my number…will see what happens…
And the guy at the grocery store payed for my water …a dollar but it was nice 🙂

Back home it still hurts ( this heartache really hurts) but i am moving along…

Rori: YAYYYY!!! You are off and running, yes, very proud..This is just PRACTICE, remember – scales, learning language…it doesn’t MEAN anything in terms of a specific man…just practice…it will make it easier for you to do…

I sent you a reply to him to use with all men like these…you have to get past ANY expectations…you just need a procedure for dealing with all this…strive to have NO investment about anything – just curiosity, and a pat and simple way to handle it all…

Victoria: boy i tell you its hard to do nothing when i guy that you met and clicked with doesnt call …i feel tempted to send a message saying that i enjoyed meeting him…No??

Rori: NO!!!!! Please, Victoria – there are SO MANY men out there!!! Please just do this Circular Dating thing and stop zeroing in on a man who isn’t hopping to you with interest. It just comes across as needy – you can’t disguise it….

Victoria: Yes , i guess is the fear that if i dont take action nothing will happen…or that he lost my number and all excuses…
Yes i am used to reaching out to men if they are not reaching out to me ….

Rori: Victoria – I swear to you this is a hurdle you have to get past. Do you go to church? Have you ever been to Unity, Unitarian, or Agape in Culver City, or studied A Course in Miracles? Remember the books I suggested by Thich Nhat Hanh and Ask and It Is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks? This is where you need to go. This is where your WORK is…

I understand completely that stopping chasing men will cause you anxiety. It’s actually so therapeutic a thing to do that your deeper, hidden emotions and traumas will surface – just as if you were in intensive therapy.

This is “behavior modification” – and it’s under your control.

If you need a therapist, or to check in with me regularly around these emotional issues as they come up – that would be great – but continuing to chase and keep the feelings down will get you nowhere.

YES – you WILL feel scared! But it’s OLD feelings, trauma reactions – not REAL.

This is only step ONE! Get this one happening, and yes, you may feel blue and scared – but you also will start to feel more POWERFUL!! Because when you stop chasing and sink into stuff and start Circular Dating – a different kind of man will approach you, and then you’re into step 2.

I know you can do this…you just have to start. The neighbor is a perfect example of Circular Dating at work.

A man shows up.

He withdraws.

You start to chase.

You are in pain.

You chase him and push him further away.

More pain.

If you can stop this….do it:

Man shows up.

He withdraws.

YOU DON’T CARE BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER MEN AND BECAUSE YOU LOVE YOURSELF –

Do this – work at this – and life will change for you.

Love, Rori

I am so used to clients’ “resisting” doing the tools exactly the same way I resist myself doing anything for myself. It’s as though there’s an unwritten law for each of us about what we’re “not supposed” to be doing for ourselves.

We’re just not supposed to take care of ourselves.

Part of it is that if we DO take good care of ourselves – it’s as though we’re saying to the world that we don’t need a MAN to take care of us.

And so we are all somehow working at being totally independent and not needing a man at all, and yet feeling a need for a man beyond all else.

Finding that wonderful, lovely, calm place where we want, enjoy, have desire and some need for a man and touch and sex and companionship and friendship and intimacy –  but not so much desperation and fear that we end up pushing it all away when it shows up.

Victoria is stuck in the place where her fear of being alone is butting heads with her fear of intimacy…and the struggle plays out every minute of every day. She is as afraid of love as she is craving it.

It’s paralyzing her.

This is where baby-steps help more than anything else – and KNOWING what baby-steps to DO!

Circular Dating is an easy set of baby-steps. But it comes with a surreal quality because it’s just not something most of us have ever, ever done before.

It feels somehow “wrong” for us to be at the center of anything – certainly not a man’s (or MANY mens’) loving attention. So to be at the center of a circle of men who all want you feels odd and weird.

This is why the baby-steps, and the paperwork of Targeting Mr. Right work – because they take your mind off fear and put it to work to HELP you – work!

Instead of your masculine, “boy” energy running things and pushing men away, you get to use the power of your “boy” to HELP you Circular Date. To keep track of things. To get you out of the house. To intellectually make the case for Circular Dating while you’re doing it.

Instead of wasting your time and mental energy trying to figure out any one man – you can use your boy’s brainpower to ask yourself the questions you need to ask –

“Is his BEHAVIOR toward me what I want?”

“Is he BEHAVING” like a man who’s into me?”

“Do I feel relaxed about it all because he’s clearly into me and allowing me to feel GOOD?”

Victoria is slowly getting past her resistance – just by putting one foot in front of the other and tolerating the discomfort and disturbance and weirdness of doing something so totally new – and in service to HERSELF, instead of in service to some MAN.

She will move faster and faster toward her goal of Happy Ever After as the Tools start to work, even though she’s resisting doing them, and momentum will gather and motivate her to keep going.

Just keep going, and let me know every step you take.

Love, Rori

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875 Comments

  1.  #1tallgirl10 on June 12, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    ”Is his BEHAVIOR toward me what I want?”

    “Is he BEHAVING” like a man who’s into me?”

    “Do I feel relaxed about it all because he’s clearly into me and allowing me to feel GOOD?”

    STAY AWAY FROM MEN WHO DON’T ACT LIKE THEY ARE INTO YOU.

    A man pulling away is not a sign you should like him more.

    Goodbye text man. Your crumbs are not my diamonds. They may be someone elses, but how you act and what I want are not aligned.

    Goodbye.



  2.  #2Daria on June 12, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    ooh lovely –

    yes i fear that taking care of myself financially will make it look like i dont NEED a man… silly because i don’t NEED a man, I do WANT a man though, and yes I have some need for friendship, laughter, sex, being held, etc

    And also, now that it feels that my in person dating has been gappy – I feel that i must deal with Loneliness, DREAD of something bad and that im powerless against happening – ouch i felt that squeeze in my thigh, i love you squeeze in thigh, feeling disconnected, detached and aloof – connected to loneliness, feeling afraid of being overwhelmed, etc etc

    ohhh this feels not so good right now

    i want to feel happy

    waaaah

    i feel stuck in this place im taking msyelf too

    im getting lots of mirrors from men who dont want a job because they dont want to work for soemone else – they want to be free

    and i can sense the mind trap

    ufff

    like on one hand… i dont want to move towards something i dont want which seems less free, in order to be free

    but i think its a mind trap as in we’re holding on to this tiny bit of freedom, afraid to let go of it and go for teh BIG freedom

    like the monkey with his hand in the hole holding to the nut

    holding on to this little (I refuse to be enslaved to work)

    rather than letting go of that to the I feel free and totally successful

    Ahh i feel fear

    even though holding on to the nut is making us poorer, and exposing us to dangers of being captured and jailed, etc etc

    well lovely

    however

    is this enough to eliminate the trap?

    noticing it?

    it feels GROSS to apply for a job! I DO NOT WANT TO SUPPORT JOBBinG

    blah

    but I DO want financial freedom

    well – you dont want it hard enuf some people said

    I DO want it hard enuf grr

    i dont think its about hard enuf

    the monkey was terrified but he still held on to that nut

    gotta give it to the monkey (really) he was steadfast (really)
    but he DIED

    ouch

    more triggers

    on dying if you hold the brave course

    ohhh

    thats right im a warrior, with death right by me

    hi death

    that feels super reassuring

    aint no dread with death right beside me

    yum



  3.  #3Brenda on June 12, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    Daria, what’s this about death? Death is an enemy.



  4.  #4Brenda on June 12, 2010 at 6:28 pm

    Ugh! This video totally goes along with this string on the blog…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcSJ9StEz2g

    I felt so pathetic when I watched it! Someone showed it to me and I just don’t want to be one of those women anymore who stays between the paws of a mean cat like a helpless mouse. I want to be like Rori says and go fill my life with men.

    And, I just got a “smooch” on one of my single sites…so I am going to check it out and (try to!) stop thinking about Ryan! Yuck!

    Feminine energy….Yum!



  5.  #5Daria on June 12, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    Death is not my enemy.

    I posted an essay about warriorness awhiles back. It mentioned a true warrior always has death by her side and thus has the ability to be afraid of nothing.

    I feel safe and cool with death by my side



  6.  #6Daria on June 12, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    “Warriors live with death at their side, and from the knowledge that death is with them, they draw the courage to face anything. The worst that can happen to us is that we have to die, and since that is already our unalterable fate, we are free; those who have lost everything no longer have anything to fear.”



  7.  #7Daria on June 12, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    oh man – i started watching the video and i felt triggered… i used to think of that me being tinkerbell to peterpan with guywhohadababy… and i felt awful that they couldn’t be together (size wise)… ohhh

    it felt sad

    i want to rewrite the tinkerbell story

    i WAS tinquerbellesque…



  8.  #8Daria on June 12, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    tho when i was lil i didnt quite ‘get’ her and hwy ‘she was so mean’ hehe thats good

    i feel so glad to know i won’t be putting myself in tinquerbell like impossible situations anymore



  9.  #9Daria on June 12, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    aw man hello… that was me… like it was really really really how it was… oh nooo

    it feels sad!!!

    i feel sad

    i remember feeling those ways ahhhh

    its not that tinkerbell isnt beautiful, brave, magic

    its not that peter pan doesnt love her

    its that

    shes the one more into him… and hurting herself ouch

    and keeping his feelings at friends



  10.  #10Daria on June 12, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    I felt so glad when I realized… wow… now I can put myself in the Wendi position…

    now I will be the girl he’s driving far to see, and taking out to romantic dinners, instead of the one who straightens his bed cuz the next girl is coming



  11.  #11Daria on June 12, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    woo hoo

    and i can FEEL that he knows it

    mmm



  12.  #12MizDivaDee on June 12, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    Hi Rori

    Great new site. I love it. Just by looking at it, something different happened. I started to understand. I have read this stuff over and over again, but today for some reason it is just sinking in to this thick brain of mine. This is great stuff!! lol

    I too can relate to Victoria. Wow.
    Today is a beautiful day, I finally went outside. I have been staying inside, not wanting to go out, for some reason or another.

    Well it all began, when I was over functioning, and asked the man that I have been seeing, did he want to go to the comedy club this weekend.

    My treat.

    Here I go, doing too damn much. Of couse he said, no, he had something else to do. Boy did Diva Dee come out again, and I got jealous. I immediately accused him of going out with someone else. Oh boy!!

    But because of you Rori, I was ok after I put my foot in my mouth. (lol) I stopped myself. Instead of panicking I shared my true feelings with him. I set up boundries for myself. If he accepts it, that great, if he doesn’t, that great too. And I feel FANTASTIC!!

    Although, I have not heard from him, we usually go out on Friday night, I can’t be worried with what he is doing, because if he is not with me, I can’t worry about it. Right Rori.

    I will admit, I did have some worrying thoughts enter my head, but instead, I kept reading your blogs and your letters, and your words of wisdom.

    So do you know what I did. Today, I got dressed. In a beautiful summer, classy dress. No too fancy, just comfortable and beautiful. Even other women were complimenting me today. I got in my beautiful car, with the top down, and drove myself to the coffee house, has some ice tea, and worked on my computer. Usually, on Saturdays, I just stay home and work on my computer, I have a home based business, but now a have a new funky style coffee house to go to. just to get outside. I can go out if the sun is shining or if it is pouring down raining. No more excuses.

    And you know what that means, I have to get dressed to go outside, and I have to interact with people. I can put on some cute clothes, too.
    Skinny jeans, sun dress, sweat suit (cute ones of course), high heels, sandals, boots, tennis shoes. It doesn’t matter. As long as I feel good – good about myself.

    I got to get out of the house. My excuse was that I thought it would cost too much – that was my excuse. But the ice tea was less than $2.00 and the shop is in my neighborhood. Gas is not an issue.

    Step by step. An after that I may go further, find other coffee shop, starbucks, lounges, movies, events, museums, picnic, parks, malls – maybe I will start to explore.

    I then drove to the Comedy Club, purchase ticket, and now I am going on a date with myself. I am going to wear a cute little skirt and top, Rrrr

    In the mean time, as I was going to the bank to pick up the money, this handsome man complimented me, we exchanged numbers, Circular Dating here we come. And I have no expectations what so ever. Just a big beautiful smile on my face.

    You definately notice the difference, when you stop focusing on one man. I was so happy, and the guy could feel my energy, I was silly, and fun, and relaxed.

    All I can do is encourage Victoria and all of the beautiful Sirens out there to get out and put one foot in front of the other, as you say, have fun, be yourself, and meet other people. And sometimes those people may just be very good looking men.
    You never know what may pop up.

    Thanks for everything Rori
    MizDivaDee

    P.S. – Better go! I don’t want to be late for the show
    Comic Relief – here I come. Maybe I will get a chance to laugh at myself and not take things so dog done seriously.



  13.  #13Daria on June 12, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    cuz its so easy to give it up to tinquerbell – and say yea of course she deserves the guy

    but she won’t get him… not by being his friend that way

    thank you Rori

    humphgr



  14.  #14Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 7:18 pm

    That internet peter pan guy married his tinkerbell and they were the right size for each other. Anything is possible.



  15.  #15Daria on June 12, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    yay Miz Diva DEE!!!!!

    that is my name too!

    yum



  16.  #16Jilly on June 12, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    How come a new kind of man shows up? was he always there and we just didn’t notice him? or is it really like the law of attraction? (I have all of Esther and Jerry Hicks books) I feel curious about this…but I am totally experiencing this right now…I wasn’t attracting guys who were attractive or available and now all of a sudden there are a few super nice normal attractive guys and I’m just shaking my head like “unbelievable”!! 😉 this is absolutely amazing



  17.  #17Daria on June 12, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    the movie peter pan wasn’t marrying that tinquerbelll he was going for wendi hehe

    but who knows… maybe tinquerbell got in touch with herself and leaned back

    it can all happen FAST

    next thing you know peter pan comes around re-imaging the whole past as, i remember when i first saw you. blah blah – thats how they do it

    thats how all people do it hehe

    before i got all into guywhohadabay i was like thats my brother, then i got INTO him and i wrote him a letter about… ever since i saw you i knew we were actually supposed to be together

    lol

    so easy to re SEE

    stuff

    it can turn around on a dime



  18.  #18Jilly on June 12, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    yeah tallgirl10…i hope you are feeling better about your situation



  19.  #19Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    No, no, no!!! Peter wanted Wendy as his MOTHER!!!!! He felt very very ICKY even when Wendy wanted to PLAY at being married to him! He HATED it!



  20.  #20Lucy on June 12, 2010 at 7:40 pm

    Wendy is the mother figure for Peter. She scolds him and tells him what to do!

    And Tink would NEVER “straighten his bed cuz the next girl is coming”!!!!

    She would pull the girl’s hair and shoot her down from the sky!



  21.  #21Daria on June 12, 2010 at 7:49 pm

    Well Wendi and Peter almost kiss…

    and Tinque did accept her coming in because Peter wanted her to… she didn’t leave

    but yes, she certainly would pull the girl’s hair in one way or another =D

    hehe

    anyway

    good thing im not her now

    no more suffering thank goodness



  22.  #22Simply Shannon on June 12, 2010 at 9:02 pm

    Timely email. I’ve been on this blog and practicing tools for awhile now. And I still identify with so much of what feels like being at step 1. And I love myself totally and completely. Even the crunchy parts. <3

    I'm on Day 12 of the Man Fast, and I feel uncomfortable. I feel bad. I don't want to be alone and yet I know I need to feel uncomfortable to move past this. My past is jumping from man to man to man. Never spending time with just me. I went to lunch by myself today and it wasn't so bad. (Even if it was just a Subway while I was out and about. *blush*)I don't think I've ever done that before. Normally I would go through the drive through and eat alone in my car to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

    My Man Fast is an experiment. 18 more days. Feels like a lifetime. I can feel myself wanting to cave. This is just like when I feel desperate to reach out to a man. Seriously, A and Mr. Fab Kisser and Mr. Masculine Man were ALL on my brain tonight. I was doing the Wayne's World tool (aka Noise tool) constantly tonight.

    Maybe next month's experiment will be going on a date with anyone who asks (with a few constraints) just to see what happens.

    I'm thinking if I make it an experiment for XYZ amount of time, I will feel liberated to try whatever and not get stuck in finding my forever man.

    Or maybe next month's experiment will be going to a different place by myself every day, even if it's just for 15 minutes… just to see what happens.

    So many ideas…

    I still feel tense. My tummy feels hot and my chest feels tingly. And I'm having a visit with Aunt Flo. Happy happy joy joy. Grrrr.

    I don't want to be alone God. If you could just hurry up and get that message, my life would be a snap. Okay, no not really. I feel grateful for all I've got. Truly. But a man lovin' on me and telling me I'm beautiful and spending time with me would be lovely. Amen.



  23.  #23Brenda on June 12, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    Daria,

    Ok, I see where you’re coming from with referencing death. I am with you there…people who are the shakers and movers take risks to change their lives cuz they ain’t a-sceared of death! Me is with you there, buddy!

    As long as it ain’t a death wish!



  24.  #24dorothea on June 12, 2010 at 9:23 pm

    Shannon thats HUGE about lunch cuz today i went to lunch alone and i ate in the CAR instead of going inside the fast food place while i was out and about.

    dunno i was feeling too vulnerable. i’m not usually like this..last night i went to the bar alone and sober and felt great.



  25.  #25Brenda on June 12, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    Yah, that video triggered me too. Gag! Yuck! Me! Too forward-leaning. “Please love me! Please hold me! Please don’t leave!” I feel pathetic. I love my pathetic side. I am in process.

    I braved Match.com tonight. I have been sidestepping around on the other dating sites, and getting nowhere. I think Match is like industrial-strength dating. Real men with quality. Scary! I love my fear. I embrace myself even tho I’m scared of rejection and pain. I don’t need it, dammit! I’ve had a million tons more pain than I deserve already! I feel angry at pain! I feel angry at men who hurt women and don’t care. I feel angry at Ryan for hurting me to the core and not even admitting it was intentional. I love the angry part of myself, because it protects me so I don’t keep letting it happen.

    I dread dating. I don’t like dating. I wanted Ryan to be who he represented himself as: a loving, respectful man who treasured women. Shit, he literally worships the goddess! Don’t you think he would be a genuine woman lover?

    Brenda, reread the book, “Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them”!

    Humphphph! Like letting out air when the chiropractor presses hard between my shoulder blades and it cracks so wonderfully! Yum!

    Release…relief…letting go…destressing.

    It is about my personal growth. That is valuable. But right now it feels so much safer and comfortabler to be here on Siren Island with my lovely friends.

    I posted my profile and sent a few winks. Now I just need to officially join. I feel frustrated that I’m overweight when inside I am a slender, shapely, sexy diva. I feel tightness in my chest about the coming rejection. Hello, rejection! F you! You don’t belong here! I like who I am! My identity is not in my appearance! My identity is in my heart! I love the part of me that is fat. I accept you, fat. You are not me, but right now you are part of me. You have been served your eviction notice.

    Hello, muscles and flexible tendons! You are most welcome here! Hello shapely, sexy body! Welcome back, Slenda Brenda! Humphphfffff! Let go.

    If only Mexican food, cheesecake, potatoes, and pasta didn’t taste so good!



  26.  #26Brenda on June 12, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    I’m a habitual solo restaurant goer. It’s about not feeling lonely and alone. I go to a restaurant where I have interaction with people, not to mention good food. But it’s really about the social aspect of it, having been in long distance relationships most of my life. I think nothing of going to a restaurant alone! I just typically take a notebook or book, or not! Doesn’t matter to me! I feel very comfortable alone. It’s really just a matter of breaking thru a comfort zone.

    Just picture your higher power in the seat across from you! Date him! Or write a letter to your long-lost Aunt Pearl while you slowly munch down your chicken salad. You are going out to eat with her.

    I practice being graceful at restaurants. This is the path of a previous social retard who spent most of her life isolated. Yum, alone restaurant-going!



  27.  #27Brenda on June 12, 2010 at 9:34 pm

    You know what else is yummy?? Sitting naked at the computer. LOL!

    With the right person, you should be able to talk about sex like mashed potatoes and gravy!! I like to talk about sex!!! SEXXX!

    YUM!



  28.  #28dorothea on June 12, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    i sat for hours yesterday at a local restaurant getting some work done… but i was in the snobby suburbs today and it was a bunch of young snobby looking people and i couldn’t do it. so weird. honestly it was just like…too much white people. i don’t know how to explain it. i felt weird and out of place even though i am “white” and sincerely enjoyed my meal in the car.



  29.  #29Brenda on June 12, 2010 at 9:58 pm

    When I first started doing it, many moons ago, I felt self-conscious when people looked at me like I had 3 eyes. Then I just got to the place inside where I was convinced this was emotionally healthy for me, to learn to relate to the human race. So I kept putting myself out there, and now it is easily within my comfort zone. When people look at me funny, I just smile at them and/or chat with them! It’s a good way to meet people!

    It’s like what Daria said…practice being rude, just shakes you out of your comfort zone. It’s healthy to be in different social situations and brave your way thru it!

    I like to go with friends, but when I do, it seems like more often than not they are difficult to plan it with. Like they’ll be two hours late for a million reasons, or they don’t want to go where I do, etc. But I guess that’s the antisocial part of myself remaining, that I find life simpler not tying people in too close.

    While all the while I so much want people around. I strongly seek to surround myself with warmth and softness…with the love of a man. But I’ve never had that totally, so I find substitutes. Sitting in a restaurant alone gives me the feeling of warmth and softness around me without having to be unsafe directly with people. People scare me. Eyes scare me. I am in process, but I am coming from a place of deep emotional damage. Get close, but not too close.

    I like animals. Animals are safe. They are affectionate and accepting. It isn’t coincedence that “Dog” is “God” spelled backward. God gave us dogs to demonstrate unconditional love. I’ve spent the evening sitting here unabashed with my dogs at my feet. I just feel so relaxed with animals.

    Yeah, me alone in my basement apartment with dogs to cuddle with. Sounds like the situation in life of a loser. But I am not a loser, and I know that.

    I am a winner in process. I love myself exactly they way I am.



  30.  #30Brenda on June 12, 2010 at 9:59 pm

    Aren’t I a big ball of emotions tonight? Yeah, going on match got my heart all kinds of sensitive and out there.

    I miss Ryan, dammit.



  31.  #31Softy on June 13, 2010 at 12:16 am

    Just want to share a bit 😀
    I love this story from Isha- A young boy ran up to his “Grandfather, tell me the secret of life! ”

    The old man’s mouth wrinkled into playful smile as he replied, ” My child , within every one of us, it’s as if there were two wolves fighting. One of the wolves is focused on protecting his territorry ; he is full of anger, criticsm, and resentment. He is fearful and controlling. The other one is focused on love, joy, and piece. He is mischievous and full of adventure.”

    “But grandfather,” exclaimed the boy, his eyes wide with curiousity, “which of the wolves is going to win?”

    The old man replied, ” The one you feed”



  32.  #32Daria on June 13, 2010 at 2:38 am

    Wow Softy – I feel touched and intrigued very much by that story.



  33.  #33Triza on June 13, 2010 at 6:42 am

    I have been following the blog though not commenting most of time.
    I have been circular dating for a while now and i love that its helping me really get in touch with my feelings.I love that Rori mentioned about Abraham hicks ans a course in miracles.I have been reading a lot on this as well and my whole life has really been transformed.Taking time to interact with other people has provided a channel where my deeper feelings hav been able to express themselves.
    I still experience fear and uncertainty when a guy doesn’t call back or when i begin to wonder if I’ll meet the one or not but now it feels different.Now i can hug and love those parts of me that feel insecure and afraid.Now i can accept and love them unconditionally no matter the outcome.Now life feels more alive because the ups and downs are equally liberating.I am glad i am here learning more each day from everyone’s comments and Rori’s posts.hugs



  34.  #34Amy F on June 13, 2010 at 8:03 am

    Good morning,
    Does anyone know what the “Goodnight Talk” tool is? I have the Siren program and I could not find it.
    Thanks and hope you will enjoy your Sunday. I’m getting eyebrows and nails done today. Taking good care of myself – for me! Hope you all will do something nice for yourselves today!



  35.  #35Tallgirl10 on June 13, 2010 at 8:07 am

    Brenda,

    Good job with braving match. Just an FYI, we tall thin ones get rejected too.



  36.  #36Tallgirl10 on June 13, 2010 at 8:14 am

    I feel sad.

    I never responded to the last text which text man sent me after I had already told him to have a fun night. He knows where to find me.

    I read rori’s email today about being friends. And that thinking is you are there for them emotionally that it could grow. I think that it is part of a healthy relationship to be friends, but using it as the glue, is a super bad idea. Attraction is the glue.

    STAY AWAY FROM MEN WHO DON’T ACT LIKE THEY ARE INTO YOU.

    Crumbs are not diamonds.

    A man moving away is not a sign to like him more.

    I deserve someone who wants to be with me. And who will express it.



  37.  #37Kiki on June 13, 2010 at 8:45 am

    Well, I just love this post because I have something to say about it. I was recently involved with someone who was being fabulous — showing me lots of attention, sending messages, taking me out, etc. Then it all kind of stopped. When I finally just came out and asked him about it, he said that I wasn’t showing him enough interest, that he’d been waiting to see if I would ever do something to make him feel special, and that he was feeling a fool for doing all the work. This made me feel horrible, for I was just doing what I thought was right: leaning back, receiving, etc. Since that conversation, things haven’t been the same between us, and I’m trying to get him to realize I do like him…but am feeling confused over the whole thing…I agree with the other posters about staying away when they act uninterested, but what do we do when they tell us they want us to make them feel special too? Don’t men deserve to feel loved and appreciated as well? How do we strike the right balance?



  38.  #38Kiki on June 13, 2010 at 8:52 am

    I just tried posting something and it didn’t work, so if my comment ends up showing up later, that is why. Anyway, I wanted to comment about this particular topic because I have an interesting experience with a man who was showing me a lot of interest and I really liked it a lot. I was leaning back and receiving his attention, just like I thought I should. But of course, he pulled back and it was very weird, so I asked him if something was wrong. He said yes, that I hadn’t been showing him enough interest and he felt like he was doing all the work, that it was all very one-sided. I felt horrible and sad about him feeling this way. He said he felt like an idiot for doing so much and me doing so little. Now, he has completely withdrawn, and I feel so hurt! I told him I like him and want to see him again, but it’s as though he is now waiting/wanting me to make all the effort. How do we strike the right balance??



  39.  #39Jeannette on June 13, 2010 at 9:57 am

    Tallgirl10, you really get it, my last long distance b-friend, sends me e-mails once in awhile, calls once in awhile, but never hints at rekindling what we once had. It hurts that he gets in contact and asks, “How are you…..” but never wants to talk about us anymore. So, he sent me a e-mail not long ago with job descriptions of jobs available to give my brother who is unemployed and included, “How are you and your family?” I did not respond to it, he wanted out of the relationship and sent me a break up letter 6 months ago, so why still stay in touch? I wonder if it’s so he can ease his conscience, (because he know’s I am a nice person) or to just nose around…Whatever!! Tired of nothing happening, know what I mean?



  40.  #40Mystyk on June 13, 2010 at 10:19 am

    This is the hardest part. The not doing, the fear that if I don’t raise my hand and wave it around – if I don’t remind my other…. that he will somehow forget me.

    I have been getting such good things and good triggers from all of you here. I feel like it is time for me to add my voice and contribute.

    Thank you!



  41.  #41Tallgirl10 on June 13, 2010 at 10:23 am

    Jeanette,

    He likes you as a person, not as a romatic interest. Sometime I swear the only way to get them to be interested is to tell them to shove off. And he wants to ease his guilt.

    Like “Bob, I really appreciate your emails, but I think it is best if we are not in contact anymore. Good luck, wish you the best”.



  42.  #42Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 11:04 am

    I feel kinda excited about this one. trying to not get my hopes up. These emails on match covered a week, so they were reaaaallly spaced out — so that’s kinda a bad sign, but I’ll hold on to my heart and see what happens. (I wonder if he has a cute butt, sexy belly, and likes Shrek????)

    Him (June 5): Hi, I just had to tell you that I think you are really beautiful and I would love to get to know you. If you are interested in getting to know me I promise you a lot of fun and excitement! Have a great day and I really hope to hear back from you.

    Me (June 5): Thank you! Fun and excitement would feel GREAT! I love your pics. 🙂

    Him (June 9): Well, when are we going to have fun and excitement, ha!

    Me (June 9): Just say the word and I’m there! 😀

    Him (today): Well cutie my no. is 412 973 1434 give me a call and we can talk about when, where and why 🙂

    He does live kinda far…. oh, um, yeah, he lives in the suburbs of you-know-who’s new city, yeah, 4 hours away…. hehe…. but this guy has his own airplane and pilot’s license….. and hopefully he doesn’t have an interloper girl back there somewhere…..

    He’s cute. Haven’t seen his butt though. 😀



  43.  #43Rori Raye on June 13, 2010 at 11:35 am

    Welcome Mystyk! Look forward to hearing your stories and insights…Love, Rori



  44.  #44Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    Wow, that was a really helpful eletter! It cleared up most of my confusion around the “being friends” issue. I have felt confused about that, because for SO many people I know, friendship has turned into romance and a wonderful marriage. Also, two of my best relationships began as friendships and ended with marriage proposals. But this paragraph from Rori explains it:

    “Picture this: If WE feel only like friends to
    a man like Vanessa’s, and that’s all we give to
    him, and at the same time we go about dating and
    romancing other men even while we’re being
    friendly and supportive to this one man – THAT
    could create a sense of attraction and longing
    for us in him.”



  45.  #45Tallgirl10 on June 13, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Dear Textman,

    This is what I would say if I see him again.

    Thank you for reaching out to me. I have to admit, I feel confused because am having a difficult time reading what is going on between us. This makes me feel sad because I have been so enjoying getting to know you, and I feel happy when we spend time together. I would be interested in taking this further, but right now I feel hesitant and uncertain.

    I want to be in an interaction that has the following components:
    A. Open and consistent communication. Where I can talk to the person about anything (and vice versa). We learn to trust each other over time, and we can share with trust and safety. In addition, we touch base every few days to touch base and check in on what is happening in the other person’s life.
    B. Potential to grow into something serious at some time in the future. I want there to be an escalation to the interaction where we get to know each other, become more invested, and see each other on a regular basis on the road eventually to a real relationship. I don’t want to remain casual for indefinate amounts of time and I don’t want to be friends with benefits.

    What do you think?



  46.  #46Daria on June 13, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    oh nooo lucy is my response

    for me, super red flags with the fem energy – when are we gonna hang out ? i swear i give these guys the benefit of the doubt, but a lot of times they turn out to not pursue in a way that feels strong enuf

    and then the call me, as a follow up, blah yuck



  47.  #47Tallgirl10 on June 13, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    I welcome everyone’s thoughts on my letter. I have not idea if I would ever use it, but that is how I am feeling right now.



  48.  #48Tallgirl10 on June 13, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Lucy,

    Daria makes some good points, but I you could do the following.

    Please do not call him – you could say.

    “Thanks for the didgets ;-). Mine are XXXXX. It would feel so great for you to give me a call.”



  49.  #49Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Hmmmm. daria, your response feels interesting….

    MY experience is that the ones who start off with big strong MASC energy explode into tiny specks of stardust soon afterward and drift away into the night…. Stardust crumbs…..

    I don’t know what to think!



  50.  #50Daria on June 13, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Tallgirl

    I THINK that you’re trippin!

    You’ve been texting with him the whole time! you have gone on dates – WHAT are you talking aobut is what im thinking

    (my main feeling is concern)

    If you don’t want to text with him, tell him something like this:

    hey, i’ve been feeling really burnt out on texting and decided i’m gonna take a big break from it now. It’d feel great to talk to you on the phone. I miss you.

    theres no need to tell him stuff like you want the relationship to grow – he knows that

    the way you let him know that he’s giving too much space is to CIRCULAR DATE full time, and therefore your time and emotional and mental energy won’t be available for him… then his attraction and desire to be with you will lilkely skyrocket

    if someone really meant what you (i am guessing) are trying to say… then they wouldn’t SAY it, they would just go on doing something else (CIRCULAR DATING) they enjoy

    talking about it feels weird–

    i mean to me distilled down it reads as …

    Hello, I am trippin for no clear reason.

    so my guess is he might think the same.

    Besides, what you want is a happily ever after with a wonderful man, not just “a serious relationship” which could mean girlfriend/boyfriend

    If the problem is not so much burnt out on texting as it is lack of consistent communication:

    hi… it feels great to hear from you… and i feel uncomfortable to talk about this, but I’d really like to get it out…I’ve been feeling kinda sad and missing you a lot… I need to hear from a man I’m dating pretty often to feel comfy and secure… and it feels bad to ask for it… what do you think?

    this is my adaptation on a rori message i recently read



  51.  #51Tallgirl10 on June 13, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Daria,

    Interesting. I will need to noodle it.

    Anyone else?



  52.  #52Daria on June 13, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    lol! wow i feel kinda brushed off and mad



  53.  #53Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    daria, by me? #47? I really do feel interested in the difference in our perceptions/perspectives — cuz this guy felt really interesting to me. Like, I feel attracted. Which is kinda rare for me. I feel curious.



  54.  #54Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    Tallgirl, I feel pretty much the same way daria does about your sitch.



  55.  #55Tallgirl10 on June 13, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    Daria,

    No need to feel brushed off. I am thinking through the following:

    I am not only frustrated at the lack of contact and the texting. I am frustrated that this seems to be going backwards, not forwards.

    And honestly, I am kind of hoping his river runs dry because I don’t think this is going to turn around.

    I don’t think that feeling messages will turn it around.

    I don’t think telling him to shove off will turn it around.

    I feel stuck and like there is nothing I can do. I feel helpless because HE IS NOT INTO ME.

    And I want him to act like he is into me, and be into me.

    Thoughts? Anyone?



  56.  #56Tallgirl10 on June 13, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    So what do you ladies do when the man disappears for a while and come back?

    You really don’t care? Or do you express how you feel?



  57.  #57dorothea on June 13, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    tallgirl, i agree with daria about your letter. i would write it out as feeling messages. so instead of “I feel confused because am having a difficult time reading what is going on between us,” you would write out about the feelings behind not being able to read a man or his actions. this would make me feel insecure as hell if i don’t hear from him, it would make me feel confused just like you said, and i don’t want to feel insecure and confused.

    i think feeling messages turn EVERYTHING around.



  58.  #58Sweetpea on June 13, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Tallgirl – I agree with a lot of what Daria has to say. You can CD – which from the e-letter we know can entail using our flirty energy. That would bring your energy and vibe back into focus on you.

    I like the message she put out for you. I think you could maybe add to it to entail more of what you want if you don’t feel it covers it all. But it seems to me like she covers what the real issue for you is.

    If you want him to “run dry” then just let it. Or, tell him it feels like things are gravitating toward a friendship and – how did Rori put in the eletter in response to Mary? “… say that you re looking for
    romance and a real relationship, and being
    friends with him is making it hard for you to
    move on, and you’ll contact him and be able to be
    friends later, when you’re with a man who wants
    the kind of relationship you do.”

    Do it with a smile, very casually, no crying,
    no begging and see what happens.

    In my experience, and from lots of stuff I’ve been reading, it makes sense to me that the best way to deal with a non-committal guy is to let him know what you need and go get it. You can’t make him give it to you and if you try, you’ll just make him feel pressure – which will push him further away. If you tell him what you want and go actively pursue it, it takes the pressure off and then he will “step up or step off” as I like to put it.



  59.  #59Sweetpea on June 13, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    When a man comes back I definitely tell him how I feel. That is the BEST time to do it because you “hold all the cards” in that moment – you have the power to tell him what you want and he will decide whether he can give it to you or not. If not, then you’re already used to not having him around, so it’s “later gator”!



  60.  #60Sweetpea on June 13, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    Or, in the famous words of Rori, “NEXT!”

    Take your power back Tallgirl! You, as a woman, have all the power. And men know that. It’s only when we give them the power that things get off-balance and wonky and hard to deal with!



  61.  #61Tallgirl10 on June 13, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    I hear all of you.

    I thought I was saying what i wanted in a relationship.

    You are also right. I feel insecure and anxious because of the lack of contact.



  62.  #62Sweetpea on June 13, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    Tell him what you want and then go get it for yourself. He will almost certainly step up, but you have to tell him knowing in your heart, that you are going to get what you want and will look for it other places. And if he can’t, won’t or doesn’t feel like giving it to you, then good riddance!

    Listen to you heart, your feminine energy. Go sit in a dark corner and envision it speaking to you if you must. I believe that you intuitively know what to do. You just have to listen for it.

    Off with the boy hat now.



  63.  #63Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    Lucy is walking out the door for her first date with 25!!!!!! I feel mega nervous!!!!



  64.  #64Amy F on June 13, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    Tallgirl,
    I agree with Daria the Great. Let that river run dry. It’s so hard, I understand so what you are feeling. Feel the fear and frustration, fall to your knees, hit the ground, embrace it and go do something nice for yourself. Go get a manicure or pedicure. Get a copy of the book “Eat, Pray, Love and read a few chapters. I got it yesterday and it is profound.

    Take care, girlfriend. You need you, not him. There are so many men in the world. Another one is waiting to dock his boat on your island (I have to keep chanting this to myself so I believe it!).



  65.  #65Sweetpea on June 13, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    Back on.

    I think you are saying what you want in a relationship. However, I think I sometimes forget that – I’m not sure how to say this, but in my experience, men’s brains soak up so much info at a time and then they just shut down. So… the shorter and simpler Ican keep it & still say what I feel needs to be said, the better.

    Make sense?



  66.  #66Sweetpea on June 13, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    Lucy – I feel excited for you!!! Yay!!!



  67.  #67Rachel on June 13, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    Amy F,

    I’m reading “Eat, Pray, Love” too and it’s really powerful! The way she describes her relationship with David is exactly how I was.

    Thanks for the reminder that there are many men wanting to dock their boats on my island. I like that word picture! =-)

    TallGirl,

    When my man goes away (either due to busyness or pulling back a little – cause he’s scared of intimacy, but getting so much better!), I picture myself turning around and pouring my energy/love into the rest of my life. I keep busy so that when he comes back, I have things to talk about so he realizes that I haven’t been sitting there waiting for him.

    Alanna Pratt said, “When I give my man space, he adores me and respects me more and showers me with even more attention when he returns…I cherish the time alone to nourish my body and soul so that when he arrives, I am more luscious than before!”

    If you really want to see if this man can step up, then when he returns, be warm and inviting, tell him very simply how you feel … and then be “ok” with whatever his response is. You can be your luscious, beautiful self with or without him.



  68.  #68Rachel on June 13, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Soignee… are you still out here? I miss you! You always had such strong and beautiful things to say. I have several pages of Soignee quotes written in my notebook! Hugs if you’re reading this and I hope all is well.



  69.  #69Daria on June 13, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    Tallgirl –

    I feel a little confused and concerned hearing you declare so much that this guy is NOT INTO YOU.

    To me it doesn’t seem like he’s not into you… hes texting you, calling you, and asking you out.

    Deciding he’s not into you doensn’t feel good to me.

    I choose to think he’s into you… you are the oxygen he needs to breathe!



  70.  #70Tallgirl10 on June 13, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    Daria,

    As you know, I am the one who initiated last contact. Whether that was a bad or good idea, remains to be seen.

    Here is my definition of not into me:
    A. Steps up hard for first two dates
    B. After second date, continues to text, but I am out of town.
    C. After third date, texts me for my b-day
    D. But then, I contact three days later (I know my bad), but he is super responsive. I end convo and do not respond to his last comment.

    Now nada.

    The time in between is getting longer. He seems to pull away for longer periods of time. That is not into me.

    I am surprised you think he is. There is longer and longer time in between dates, isn’t that the wrong direction.



  71.  #71Jeannette on June 13, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Girls, maybe you can help me hear. SInce my long distance and I broke up I look for him on one of the dating sites that he and I both are on. I figure if he is active on it than he’s not serious with any one woman yet. He has been real active but this week end I see he has not been on it. Now I feel a twinge of anxiety, like, what in the heck is he up to? I know it shouldn’t matter. Anyone have any suggestions other than the obvious….don’t look for him?



  72.  #72dorothea on June 13, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    jeanette don’t look for him.



  73.  #73Daria on June 13, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    Tallgirl – the first line of the post triggered me and i only got a chance to glance at the bullet points.. i feel triggered!

    so much thinking dear woman… drop that ball of thoughts down to your pelvis

    you’re feeling insecure and lonely – my guess?

    what do you FEEL?

    Ok read bullet points

    sooooo

    your definition of not into you is that he asks you out and pursues you thru text while youre out of town/??? ummm…

    lol i feel amused

    i would like a man to be not into me like that then hahaha

    i wonder what into me would be like? ring already?

    who cares how long he takes between dates? he’s probably satisfied with the texting and your initiating…

    maybe he’s into you maybe he’s not… but the mental energy spent analyzing him will definitely push him away… so thats my guess as to whats going on

    yes MAgically LONG DISTANCE push him away! yes

    i have men who havent contacted me in months, but to tell you the truth i KNOW they’re into me lol

    theyre just not able to step up now, or whatever, i forgot them already who?

    its simply impossible for a man to not be into me

    i am a WOMAN. men are into me. thats it.



  74.  #74Daria on June 13, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    Tallgirl – I’m sure this will quickly be remedied with Circular Dating…

    do you know any men who have been asking you out tht you said no to … that you may have fun with even tho u may not be inot them?

    this may be a good time to call them up and say it might feel fun to go out.. what do they think?

    (yes call them up gasp lol just this once)

    or else certainly keep going out to where there are men, and give out your number… to anyone who asks who does not give off psycho killer or self esteem crusher vibe



  75.  #75Daria on June 13, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    you know what – last nite i gave my number to a guy who was like 5 feet tall… so what?

    and two other men

    one of who owns 3 clubs and a mansion

    thats who approached me

    i noticed myself noticing other men, including one i think i know

    but i am feeling very glad that i can practice being the target, and practicing opening up to men who approach ME

    yum practice



  76.  #76Daria on June 13, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    Jeannette – not only don’t look for him, but go out where there are men.. .and give out your number to any man that asks



  77.  #77Tallgirl10 on June 13, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Daria,

    I am feeling very insecure and lonely. I am also feeling like an idiot for letting this person back into my life to have him leave again at the exact same time again. Even though he was stepping up more than before.

    I also feel angry that you need to be mean to me to make your point.

    I only initiated once. And since it is all baby steps, I really don’t need you to be hard on me, any harder on me than I already am on myself.

    My definition of not into me is when things go backwards. Things like the amount of contact and duration, and things like disappearing and not wanting to spend time with me.



  78.  #78Tallgirl10 on June 13, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    I feel disappointed and angry. I feel disrespected and lonely. I feel sad and unhappy. I feel rejected.

    I feel like it does not matter what I do because he does not like who I am. That makes me sad.



  79.  #79Tallgirl10 on June 13, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    I obviously feel triggered.

    Tell me more about how mysteriously long distance, I am pushing him away.



  80.  #80Simply Shannon on June 13, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    Lucy, I cannot wait to hear the details about your date with 25. Just prayed that it’s going fabulously!

    Tallgirl, I wouldn’t send that guy anything. Nada. He’s done. Unless he contacted me, I wouldn’t initiate again. Most boys come back if I give them space. It’s like some weird twist of karma that as soon as I’m happy going out with other men, that the old beaus come back. Trust me on this. As soon as my Man Fast is over (July 1st!), I will be dating again. Three guys in the rotation. I am seriously going to work at this CDing thing like a task master. Join me?



  81.  #81Tina on June 13, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    I just feel i needed to post something anything, Ive only read half the article. past trauma reactions, behaviour modifcation. I gave truckman back his ring, yipes scary , but im here , im here im here. ill continue to read. I read an email with two questions, I’ll tape it to my forhead 🙂



  82.  #82Tallgirl10 on June 13, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    SS,

    I am never planning on contacting him again, my goal was very specific and one for one time.

    In fact, during our text convo, I tried to end it more than once, but he kept engaging (which was surprising). At this point, he has an unreturned text which was just a statement, but I was out, and had already told him to have a fun night and that I was off to a party. When he commented on the party, I just let it go.

    He knows where to find me, I am done.

    That is what is hard for me. How to say goodbye in my head and heart.



  83.  #83Tina on June 13, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    ”Is his BEHAVIOR toward me what I want?”

    “Is he BEHAVING” like a man who’s into me?”

    this is about me, my stuff not his. I felt terrifed, I feel stockholm syndromeish, I tried to call for help. im home , im safe. whew!



  84.  #84Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    Oh my, I feel overwhelmed with the amount of energy LI is showing me. I feel amused. After feeling lonely for so long now I have too much energy. WTF? I feel confused.



  85.  #85mary on June 13, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    I went out with a cool guy just now. The only thing is, he is overweight and he has long, long hair AND facial hair, and I hate all that.

    So we can just be friends. Except he hugged me three times, and I didn’t like it.

    So I don’t know. He has the nicest way about him, though. It was such a nice time and a great conversation!

    I enjoyed the afternoon. And the wind was up and there were wind surfers! They’d go way, way up in the air, and sometimes the wind would puff them up even further! What a joy to watch! And to feel the wind in my hair…



  86.  #86Daria on June 13, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    Tallgirl – I feel defensive…

    I am not trying to be mean to you… I feel uncomfortable that you felt bad reading my message to you – I am giving it to you straight.

    Sometimes I feel judgemental toward myself – I feel frustrated and like shaking people sometimes – and I feel angry to see non-Sireny behavior.

    thats the truth.

    I suppose I feel angry seeing alcoholics drink too

    I don’t want people to think I’m mean. Pout. I feel defensive and closed off.

    How does Long Distance vibe work?

    Yes, I personally and I know Rori as well believes that this works magically across the oceans. Men can FEEL our vibes even when not in direct contact with us … so he can FEEL you focusing on him mentally and that will push him away.

    PS – it DOESN’T FEEL GOOD to think “he’s not into me”

    so WHY THINK THAT?

    HE’s INTO YOU! Doesn’t that feel better? And it’s still up to him to step up, and it’s still up to you to feel the ikcy and good feelings too

    Siren’s AIR mantra – I am the oxygen you (man) need to breathe

    I don’t want you to torture yourself with THOUGHTS of he’s not into me, when that’s totally irrelevant and feels bad

    Just focus on how do I feel… and is he giving to me…

    ohhh I feel bad and abandoned
    (good)

    vs.

    ohh he’s not into me

    (not good)



  87.  #87Daria on June 13, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    Tallgirl –

    don’t say goodbye, because you know this man will be back…
    just keep riding on your horse NO CLOSURE

    bring in more men, don’t “say goodbye” to any of them, (unless they are clearly abusive/toxic and you NEVER EVER EVER want them in your life EVER again not even to give you a million dollars)



  88.  #88Amy F on June 13, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    Mary,
    So glad you had a good date. I am so particular – I have a thing for handsome, in shape men who look like Greek gods. However, something Rori said keeps ringing in my ears – she said something about looks, wealth, style – none of this matters. What matters is how you FEEL with him. Weight can be lost. Hair can be cut. My Greek gods and Donald Trumps usually don’t hit the mark. I always ask myself, if you stripped away the money or the looks or whatever it is, what would be left? How do I feel with him? Oh this is so hard. It really is. However, it’s easier than being lonely in a relationship where he is withdrawing and I am overfunctioning and chasing.

    How do you FEEL with him?



  89.  #89Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    Wow! I feel excited reading this post.

    When I was reading it, I felt hopeful that you would get Rori’s message TG. Not the part about him not being in to you but the part about resisting the tools and putting too much interest in one man. I feel really curious to hear about how you feel about these things Rori says TG.

    I also feel curious about how Rori’s post applies to my situation. I am feeling desirous of MORE space. I wish LI was less in to me. I feel overwhelmed. I feel less attracted to him when he is soooooo available. Maybe he is a mirror showing me how it feels to be on the receiving end of so much energy. I feel attracted to him but sometimes I need space to regroup. I wish he was a liitle more busy. I feel worried that I may be scared if inimacy and that is why I want space. Or maybe I’m scared to tell him because I don’t want to lose him. I do tell him and he says he understands but then he is right up in my space when all I really want is to relax. Maybe this is a boundary issue. Maybe I need stronger boundaries. WTF? I feel confused.

    Any ideas ladies?



  90.  #90Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    Ohhh I feel triggered. I feel sad about Daria and TG’s conversation. I feel sad because from my perspective I understand where Daria is coming from. I feel frustration when I see someone getting lots of answers and resisting them. I feel sad.



  91.  #91Daria on June 13, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    Damn I feel angry –

    I feel angry reading that I’m being mean – WHY??? because I don’t want people to torture themselves. so i tell them Rori tools.

    UFFF … WTF…

    I FEEL ANGRY… yeah i feel judgemental when i see people on the blog not using Rori tools… ok I admit it…

    I think im better than everyone in the world

    fine?

    is that good

    i don’t care

    I’m having a big trigger and throwing a tantrum

    with no cuss words so i wont get moderated

    maybe i should just ignore it, and not tell people what rori tools are

    what about that?

    maybe i should just stop readining certain people’s posts

    like judgementally censoring people who seem to me not fully launching into – “I commit to doing these tools” and I WANT a wonderful relationship

    then i could sail along siren’s island without reading stuff that feels awful and sinky

    i mean hey im not Rori, I don’t have products people buy

    WHY BOTHER>>>

    selfishly becasue I like reading and don’t think I will be able to control my curiosity to read all posts, and because I think that if I don’t help, then I’m going to keep on reading stuff that feels bad to read

    and non = selfishly because I want everyone to feel happy and good!

    and right now i feel angry

    rarrrgh

    I feel squeezy in my side

    I feel like mocking people, I feel judgemental, I feel removed

    AND THAT DOESN’T FEEL GOOD!!!

    I FEEL MAD!!!!

    I FEEL MAD I FEEL MAD



  92.  #92Rori Raye on June 13, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    Daria, I love you…I totally get how you feel. I constantly am getting triggered to judge, and push, and overfunction, and to just…well, look pretty and be smart! – and it’s such a great opportunity for me to practice being a girl and just being, and let people find me when they want to, and hear me when they feel like it – does this sound like something that might work for you? I’m right with you, there, girl – and the less you worry about where others are coming from and how they’re doing, and the more you allow yourself to take responsibility for all of your own experience and allow everyone else to do the same, and just keep being who you are, standing for what you stand, the faster you will get everything you want for you. Same for with a man. Love, Rori



  93.  #93Daria on June 13, 2010 at 6:06 pm

    LG – I DO think this is a boundary issue!

    What ? you want to relax and he is all in your space?

    ICKY!!!

    hehe I bet miss Tina can share about getting your space respected (Tina?)

    eww LG i feel ICKY thinking about that

    In this situation I would feel
    I’m feeling pressured, and I feel guilty (ohhh this is a trigger that is more about me)

    ok

    I’m feeling pressured and I don’t feel comfortable sharing this, but I woudl feel really good to have alone time right now/ more often/ at a certain time… to regroup

    It feels great being with you when we’re together, and I need more time to be alone so I can regroup and rest… what do you think ?

    I’m feeling worried that we’ve talked about this but I haven’t really noticed a difference and that feels worrisome

    blah

    i feel so triggered thinkig of my highschool boyfriend



  94.  #94Lizzie on June 13, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    Oh I can use a little support – I really want to send an email to Family Guy, that would be leaning in and I must stay leaning back – help me!

    I have not heard from him since our completely awesome date #4 a week Friday. Then he went on a conference out of town til Wednesday, then gets his kids until this Wednesday. He has young kids – 10 and one is completely disabled (feeding tubes – the whole nine yards) and I know he is extremely busy at work and needs to hire someone. I am also really busy and actually need to stay focused on work. I also have 2 kids a bit older than his…

    But leaning back is killing me! Funny thing though, I don’t even really know what I would say if I sent him a note – Do you want to see me? NO couldn’t do that – even when I used to lean forward, I would never have done that!
    Do you want to get together this week? NO couldn’t do that either…
    Did you have a good trip? – NO that is leading and hiding that I want something – like a date

    How does this feel – anxiety, tightness in my throat and chest, questioning – have I mis-read him? we had such awesome energy, it felt just too amazing…this can’t be it.
    fear? yes, I feel fear that I am being rejected
    fear that I have created an imaginary person
    fear that I might be too wanting…

    help me sirens – I can’t find my real feelings



  95.  #95Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    TG: I feel curious about your experience with Rori’s tools. I know you have been using feeling messages but what else? I feel a lot more excited to hear about that than the same old story about text guy. I want to see you succeed. I want to see you using and discussing the tools. I feel worried I am being selfish. I feel bored discussing the same thing over and over. I want to see progress. I hear you complaining that your relationship with texter isn’t progressing. Maybe that’s the mirror. Maybe it means it’s time for you to progress into using the tools more deeply?



  96.  #96Simply Shannon on June 13, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    Mary: Yeah for a good date! And being open to just having a good time.

    Daria: I’ve had those thoughts and feelings too. And I don’t think it’s selfish to pull back from helping with tools, etc. if it doesn’t feel good. Sometimes helping becomes a crutch and enables people to not do the work they need to do. I think I’ve put enough out there, and I don’t feel responsible for doing more at the moment. Even for me, I know I need to do the work with the tools themselves. Working through that imagery yesterday was REALLY helpful. And without doing that work, I might still be asking the same questions over and over again. For example, all of my questions about not feeling sure about Mr. Fab Kisser and do I like him, do I stick it out… blah, blah, blah. I just needed to stop it and do the work. Not sure what caused me to do that last night but I did the tool and it helped. Tada! 😉



  97.  #97Rori Raye on June 13, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    Tallgirl, I love how you’re expressing your anger and frustration…and the first place to start here is to examine “I’m feeling like an idiot…” you are NOT an idiot!!! None of us are. We’re just practicing here on earth…and though I believe we CAN change everything instantly – it usually takes us all a bit to allow change into our lives. No matter what – getting triggered by each other here is GOOD – it helps us practice…we will move more quickly if we are challenged – especially by people we like, trust, respect…it feels weird, I know…but learning how to deal with this here is SO great! I’ll help if you like…but if you both can get back to love instead of fear, exploring and experiencing instead of defense, and feeling messages in the present instead of the past – and keep saying that you’re triggered rather than that anything IS – this will turn out fabulous for all of us. Love, Rori



  98.  #98Simply Shannon on June 13, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    Tina!! You gave the ring back?? What happened?

    I feel really nosy.

    I’m sorry. Are you okay??



  99.  #99Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    Daria: thanks for your feedback. I agree it is a boundary issue. I feel excited about sticking to my needs. I need a little space. That’s okay. I’m okay with risking losing him. I can do this.

    Thanks again! I feel very appreciative of you Daria.



  100.  #100Daria on June 13, 2010 at 6:24 pm

    Thanks Rori –

    I feel inspired to not worry about where men are coming from financial / emotional wise. yes

    and also, I feel afraid now – hmmm

    does stand for what I stand for mean I am good to share what I feel about certain posts?

    I feel intrigued by this

    ok Im gonna take opportunity to feel my own experience

    so focus on Daria

    how’s Daria feeling?

    triggered at feeling “unheard”

    so unheard is a doing type feeling, so whats the feeling ? pushed away, left out? shocked ouch! defense

    here have this chocoalte pie i made for you ? smash pie in my face!!

    ohhh i feel humiliated horrible unloved

    i love my unloved self

    ohh hi feel like smashing pie pusher!!!

    ohhh it feels unbearable

    i feel gross

    i feel sick

    i don’t want to be the one who gets the pie smashed

    in her face

    id ratehr smash pies

    tho doesnt feel good either

    how dare you snatch the chair out of my hand last nite at the bar

    ohhh i feel so powerless and also ikcy and not good enough

    so not good enough

    if peopel treat me not good enough doesn’t that mean im not good enough

    no it doesnt

    ok

    ack

    icky thinking of people getting raped in wars and stuff

    ohhh i feel horrible

    i can’t deal with this!!

    i dont want to d eal with this1

    i love my feelings

    i feel like horrible

    id rather just blast myself in the brain kapow

    take me out of here

    ew i feel like throwing up

    i love my feelings

    i feel cry crumble

    ick

    i lvoe my feelings

    i love my cry crumble

    i love my i cant take it

    i love my i feel gross like throwing up

    i love my they dont love me

    i love my horrible

    ohhh horrible

    i love my humiliation feeling

    i feel lik ei would kill people rather than feel humiliated

    straight up

    thats ok

    i killed my baby (not born yet its all good)

    death is at my side

    i came from death and going back there soon after this

    ok

    i can make it thru here
    i am a live

    cuz i chose to live this movie here

    ok

    pufff

    big huge videogame

    i can do stuff i like

    i can do stuff i like

    im not being tortured im not being hurt im not being humiliated right now

    i can feel good!

    i allow past traumas to come out my body EASY AND FEEL GOODY

    EVEN IF LOU THINKS THEY CANT!

    they CAN

    right obdy

    right daria

    i love you

    i love you too

    ok

    thanks

    smile

    ouch heart!

    ouch!

    i feel angry

    i feel frustrated with you feeling disappointed

    i dont want to feel disappointed

    i feel agnry at you heart

    i feel angry

    geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez

    ouch that feels WORSE

    ouch

    uffff

    blah i feel icky again

    sloshing through big huge kinda cold marshy heart with vines

    eww
    blah

    feels hopeless

    feel tired marching thru these swamps with mosquitos and we’re gonna get some fever and die we’re not gonna make it

    and that feels like crying

    and i feel hot eyes

    but no tearst cuz im not having enuf water right now

    i feel angryyyya

    i feel give

    up

    no givine up

    slosh tru mud

    slosh thru mud

    slosh thru mud

    mindless

    slosh trhu mud

    not feel good

    feel

    like

    tired

    body

    ick

    hopeless

    blah

    blah

    slosh

    slosh

    i lov my slosh

    i love my blah

    i love my tearless cry attempt

    ickkk
    throat squeeze

    i love my throat squeeze

    i love my attack by lil devil feelings

    omgosh

    i feel tired

    and pouty

    i love my tired an pouty

    and that feel slike

    ohhhhhh
    im not sloshing trhu mud right now

    i am HERE
    at a computer

    sitting

    typing

    ohhhh

    thank you

    LEVEL WON!

    hehehehe

    back in the videogame

    lets do the fun stuff!!!



  101.  #101Simply Shannon on June 13, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    Hehe! Daria, at the end, I totally heard video game sounds, like from an old Atari or PacMan or something.

    Hmmm… tell me some things that make you feel super grateful.

    Cuz I know there is MAGIC happening in your life right this very second.

    Right this very second, the magic happening in my life is that my boys are sleeping sweetly upstairs after spending the ENTIRE day constantly holding my hand, smooshing with me and telling me over and over that they love me.

    There are a million lightning bugs in my backyard.

    Even on a ManFast, my blessings far outweigh my loneliness.

    It feels great to remember those things, rather than constantly be reminded of the bad stuff.



  102.  #102tallgirl10 on June 13, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    Well, if I am to be honest, now I feel attacked and unsupported. I also feel unwelcome.

    So I suppose is best if I go elsewhere for a while.



  103.  #103Alicia on June 13, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    Nothing could prepare me for the trauma that get’s triggered… Thank God for baby steps…

    I noticed I’m changing but, what is wierd is.. I realized some of my friendships with my “girl- friends” had “toxic” in them… and the more I change the more they say something.. and I hear from them way less.. I was kind of hurt by it.. But, I have to keep moving forward. I kinda felt paranoid too, like maybe I did something.. But, I realize I’m going thru a metamorphosis… and they I’m taking care of me first.. There is soooo much less drama.. And I have some close friends that I stick who are like family…



  104.  #104Daria on June 13, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    ohh Simply Shannon – I feel grateful to realize that my FEELINGS are so huge day to day that I can sit here and yet feel like im sloshing thru dark jungle mud!! and yet when I throw LOVE at them and ask how I feel again they CHANGE

    I feel grateful that I FEEL STUCK and that feels like being firmly planted!

    and I feel unsure and that feels exciting and optiony
    !!

    I feel grateful that my brothers are poppin out of nowhere CALLING AND CALLING to hang out with me – JUST LIKE I WANTED till i let it go!

    I Feel grateful that last nite men were REALLY INTO me and I Felt great going to the bar

    I feel grateful that my family is getting along so much better

    I feel grateful that I am babystepping to self sufficiency

    I feel grateful that I still have my license and DMV hasnt set the date for my hearing yet

    I feel grateful my dad decided to get me this lawyer who is really good for my DUI

    I feel grateful that I have long beautiful hair and i look so great

    I feel grateful that tomorrow I’m having a planned parenthood test (trying to see if the bacteria will show up this time)

    i feel grateful that even without any treatments ive been feeling bettter and better

    i fele grateful my portugal EFT lady is going to hlep me FOR FREE and shes the best one i’ve worked with

    I feel grateful that my Ask and Receive ENERGY work works

    wanna hear it ? it works like this… say

    A part of my being already knows…

    That while this was true in the past

    I no longer need to believe

    That ___________________

    And that part of my being is willing to inform the rest of me now

    It is now doing so

    My mind body and spirit are receiving the information

    Information transfer is now complete

    I feel grateful that my best friend who rocks at it is writing my cover letter for me – aND I DON:T HAVE TO, or beat myself up for it, and I can use it to apply to jobs and yeahhh!

    I feel grateful that I feel good being 28!

    I feel grateful that /IM STUCK AGAIN!! yum!! firmly planted like a happy feet in clay goddess that is covered with ripe tomato vines!

    yum!



  105.  #105Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 6:42 pm

    Laughing Goddess — I need lots of space in a relationship too! It’s not because of “avoiding intimacy” but just because there are lots of things I enjoy doing that are solitary activities — and I regain energy from alone time as well. That’s part of why I said to Tallgirl that one girl’s crumbs are another girl’s diamonds — some people need/want more together time and more attention and fawning over than other people do.



  106.  #106Daria on June 13, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    ohh Tallgirl – I feel triggered that you feel that way

    I feel welcoming of you being here



  107.  #107tallgirl10 on June 13, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    Obviously, I am deeply triggered. I just can’t take all of this criticism. I am not sure if I want to do any of this anymore.

    I am going to bed to think about it.

    I don’t feel like I should be punished because I am only just learning to use the tools. I feel anxious enough that I don’t really need a whole other list of things that I am not doing well.



  108.  #108Alicia on June 13, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    I’m hoping that is a postive side effect… haha..

    There is no way you stay the same person doing all this… It’s has to effect alot of areas in your life, I feel hopeful that it would… and helps me figure why my friends are litterally dropping off and new ones coming in..



  109.  #109Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    Tallgirl, we all love you. We love daria too. <3



  110.  #110Daria on June 13, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    Yay LG i feel so good reading that hehe! LG you rock!

    Hey! I feel curious how this goes… I didnt’ expect to feel triggered about highschool boyfriend… I guess i forgot if/that space was an issue then… sure did remind me of it tho



  111.  #111Siena on June 13, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    Lucy, I feel so good that you are out with 25 right now. You go girl!

    LG, can you give me some examples of what your guy does to make you feel smothered? You say he’s right there all the time, could you just say ‘no’ to him wanting to see you? Or do you mean he’s ‘right there’ with texts and communications?



  112.  #112Daria on June 13, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    Alicia – Rori says that will happen! it happend to me too and is STILL happening!!

    and my brothers are back!! now they can drive now they WANT me to hang out with them, now im like.. ummm okay… what are we gonna do ?lol!



  113.  #113Daria on June 13, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    ohh SIENA!!! what an AWESOME QUESTION!!! yes LG I WANT TO KNOW TOO!!



  114.  #114Alicia on June 13, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    I haven’t read every single post on here but in the few I did read………… Sounds like progress is being made.. and that feels good.

    I read in Joyce Meyer’s – Battlefield of the Mind..

    “Sometimes you have to open up your heart to take out where the infection is” (That is not easy but sooooo worth it) 🙂



  115.  #115Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    I am back from my “date” with 25. I now understand what Daria means about “hanging out” vs. “real dates.”

    We chilled at his apt and watched a movie and ate chips and Greek yogurt and massively made out (plus).

    BUT OMGOSH! Just when I got there I put two and two together and OMGOSH — his MOTHER was my former BOSS!!!! I was stunned!!! 25 was like, “No biggie, it’s a small town.” HECK YEAH IT IS!!!! I felt so embarrassed!!!! He said he wouldn’t tell her.

    He wanted to know what I’m doing tomorrow, if we can “hang out” again!

    I could use help discovering the message on this one!



  116.  #116Siena on June 13, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    I feel weird and a little afraid.

    Had another great date yesterday with #1CD. We had a hours-long long heart-to-heart, which is something I haven’t done since I was about 17. I felt 17 yesterday.

    He asked me to initiate sending him emails sometimes during the week while he’s working. I don’t want to screw this up by leaning forward, but my sense is that if doing that will make him happy, and he’s requested it of me, it’s not leaning forward or overfunctioning… what do you think?

    Also, this is weird, and it threw me into my head today which felt bad… I have a Google Alert set up for my name, so that I receive an email every time my name is posted to the Internet. This morning I received an email telling me that someone posted an article about a woman who has my first and last name, and #1CDs last name… so literally what my name would be if I married #1CD.

    Yikes. Wow! Neither of us have typical names, so this is weird.

    I feel afraid that I’ll mess this up. Ugh.



  117.  #117Daria on June 13, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    Lucy –

    a message could be: now you and Daria are on the same tightrope lol jK

    another message: you are extremely attractive

    another message: you are attracted to younger men (like stella got her groove back)

    those were jokes’ except for the last 2.

    But seriously, it sounds like you’ll need to see him again to get a clear message

    soudns like fun

    how about practicing… some feeling message/boundaries on hang out vs. dates? orrrr

    i dono

    sounds like what I would want to do. Myself. Cuz i like Fancy Traditional dates now.

    hmm yeah. alhtough that sounds like a cool date, I daria would fele triggered by hanging out

    it felt realy fun to spend time with you, and I feel more into tradtional romantic dates… i dont’ like the idea of “hanging out” most of the time… what do you think papilicious daddyo?



  118.  #118Alicia on June 13, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    Daria –

    I’m glad you said that!!!! I feel better!

    I woke up going…… What happened to all my friends? (aside from the two that are like sisters)

    I kinda shared with them some of this stuff.. and they responded like everything I said was WEIRD.. haha. But, I see the progress..

    I just realized that I was allowing them to treat me in a way I would never treat them.. So I guess it’s kind of good that they are dropping off. 🙂



  119.  #119Daria on June 13, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    Siena –

    whoa i feel weird too… I feel scrunchy eyebrows… this feels weird .. i dont’ want to “INITIATE” what?

    i feel confused… whats going on?



  120.  #120Simply Shannon on June 13, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    Tallgirl: I don’t want you to leave. I trust you can process through this. In fact, I know you can. I feel supportive but I don’t want to give advice.



  121.  #121Siena on June 13, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    ya I know Daria. I’d love to hear what Rori thinks about this too… because it’s not really me initiating, it’s me doing something that he asked me to do, but it IS initiating because it wouldn’t be in response to something he sent me.

    Maybe if I just make them few and far between so they are special?

    I’ve been totally leaning back with him, and he’s stepping up big time. But he told me he would like it if I did that to give him a “Siena break” during his day…



  122.  #122Alicia on June 13, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    “Hanging out”

    I always assume when a guys want to “hang out” it’s code for “make out at his place” I stopped that…

    Plus, you are driving to see him… he gets his rocks off and doesn’t have to take much action at all…

    I would mix it up.. practice boundries (not in making out) but real feelings about dating… I’m like.. “I don’t want drive over there.. you can come here or maybe going out would feel fun..” 😉

    Otherwise.. you’ll be end up in booty call city.. before you know it..



  123.  #123Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    Random reflections on my date with 25:

    What is the message?

    It felt really good kissing him even though his mouth was a little smokey. I felt surprised that it felt good kissing him. It felt better kissing him than anyone I have kissed since Mk who I was engaged to before my marriage. It didn’t feel weird like I thought it would because of his age. I got pretty frisky with him (stopped short of actual sex) and it felt really good to relax and let go and be all sultry and completely uninhibited and vulnerable and intimate and open and juicy lucy (haha, brenda called me that!) and DAMN SEXY. yes, I know I blew his mind. I love feeling that sexy and free. Letting little sighs and breaths and whimpers and moans escape uncensored.

    He wasn’t as sexy as me though. He was completely QUIET. No sounds, no WORDS! I wanted words! I could tell he was enjoying it, but I wanted him to say amazing things about me and to me! I felt disappointed.

    I felt lonely.

    I felt dead-endness.

    I felt bored with him as a person.

    I felt angry that TN man and interloper found each other so quickly and are having so much fun together and great sex and I can’t find a man *I* feel great with in every way!!!!

    At one point I felt like crying. I thought, oh no, I can’t believe I’m gonna cry! I don’t want to cry! I cried the last time I was with D several months ago — I cried then because I was tired of messing (sexually) around with men I’m not really into and who are falling in love with me and getting addicted to me.

    I didn’t cry this time, but i almost did. I was feeling, oh, physically this feels great, but emotionally it feels awful. I want the real thing. The whole package.



  124.  #124Simply Shannon on June 13, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    Lucy, I feel weird being invited to a man’s house for a first date. I don’t want to hang out without being certain of my safety. I feel weird. When I hear you were embarrassed and that you stayed… I keep wondering if you are following your feelings. The old me would have stayed so as not to cause a fuss, since I finally agreed to meet him and listen for his message. Or maybe I just wanted to make out with someone who made me feel good…

    I’m feeling confused and uptight for some reason.



  125.  #125Siena on June 13, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    Lucy, your description of your date feels wonderful. All those things you felt… you possibly wouldn’t have felt if you hadn’t put yourself in that space. I feel so proud of you, I really do! (But I feel hesitant to say ‘proud’ because it might sound condescending, which I don’t want.)

    Lucy’s a Siren!!



  126.  #126Siena on June 13, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    And I feel, “who cares” about the logistics of the date – his age, where you were, etc.

    You FELT all those things in his presence… that’s what feels really great to me…



  127.  #127Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    Thanks for the support sirens!

    An example of the space thing… My birthday is tomorrow and we made all these plans for the weekend and he tried really hard to make it special and tonight he is at my place cooking dinner.

    We live very close to each other and have a lot of mutual friends and often work together so I see him a lot. I feel progress in the sense that I have told him that sometimes I like to be together without always chit chatting and I can see the effort he is making. I feel scared that I won’t be able to be married and in a situation where a man is in my life all the time

    Lucy, I’m a lot like you. I really enjoy alone time. It’s how I recharge. I can see his efforts. I’m feeling better about this. I can just keep expressing my needs and feel okay with having my boundaries. I actually feel pretty good right now.



  128.  #128Simply Shannon on June 13, 2010 at 7:15 pm

    Lucy, Goodness I just want to wrap you up in a blanket and rock you. I feel sad Lucy.

    Why didn’t you stop? When you felt like crying, why didn’t you stop?

    I feel sad.

    “yes, I know I blew his mind.”

    This is a bad trigger for me.

    I know exactly what you mean in this instance. I’ve walked away thinking I just blew that guy’s mind, all proud and shit. Best sex ever. Tra-la-la. It didn’t matter AT ALL.

    What about you? What about me? What was happening to you/me while this guy was having an amazing time?

    “I felt like crying”. I feel sad.



  129.  #129Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    Siena:

    this sounds like him “asking you to make a sandwich”.

    Do you WANT to make him a sandwich?



  130.  #130Siena on June 13, 2010 at 7:18 pm

    LG – good question!

    yes, I would feel good making him a sandwich. But I feel worried that if I make too many sandwiches, even if I like doing it, it will push him away…



  131.  #131Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 7:18 pm

    Shannon, we had talked online for about eight months. I have a really good Spidey-sense, and felt completely and totally safe. I would not have gone if i didn’t feel safe. I felt embarrassed because I know his mother really well — worked with her , talked with her about our love lives! etc — and didn’t know until that moment that this was her son! I thought, oh my gosh, if she knew I was dating her son!

    I would have had no problem leaving if i had wanted to. It never bothers me to “cause a fuss.” I do what I want.



  132.  #132Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 7:20 pm

    Awww, I really am feeling better after talking with you goddesses. I just walked into the kitchen and saw him in there with his shirt off, looking sexy, reading a cookbook and that felt really good. I feel touched. I feel loved.



  133.  #133Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    TG: I hear that you are feeling triggered. I feel hopeful that you will face this trigger and grow from it and not choose to run away instead.



  134.  #134Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    Siena, it feels GREAT reading that you feel proud of me!! 🙂

    Yeah, I felt unbelievably sexy and free.

    I admit I had a thought during it: “TN man doesn’t know what he’s missing!!! I wish he knew I would be the best thing that ever happened to him!” haha

    (Please don’t anyone scold me for mentioning TN man. I am just telling you the truth here.)



  135.  #135Simply Shannon on June 13, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    Lucy, I feel confused.

    Your words say this:
    I felt lonely.
    I felt dead-endness.
    I felt bored with him as a person.
    At one point, I felt like crying.

    Your actions say this:
    I stayed because I wanted to stay. “I do what I want”.

    Note: I’m dealing with my own trigger about the words you chose, i.e. “blew his mind”.

    I genuinely feel surprised and confused by what I’m perceiving as words and actions not lining up.



  136.  #136NYCGirl on June 13, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    Alicia, I have had the same experience with girlfriends-seeing some of them in a totally new light. And new, wonderful friendships seem to be developing from thin air. And as Rori mentions, my relationships with authority-mainly my bosses has really changed. I feel relaxed and normal around them most of the time which is new and fantastic.
    And two long time acquaintances remarked that I seemed “so open,” and that felt great to hear. So I say keep up the good work.



  137.  #137Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 7:30 pm

    Siena: How would it feel to express that to him.

    “I feel so happy that you requested siena breaks. I also feel a little nervous because I don’t push you away.”

    Well, that doesn’t feel exactly right but I feel confident that you get the idea Siena.



  138.  #138Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 7:36 pm

    Lucy: I feel dead-endedness

    i feel curious about that statement. Is it because you are looking for a long-term love and you can’t see it with him due to his age?

    Hmmmm, I’m wondering if maybe that is why you felt so sad. It sounds like part of you felt good and sexy another part of you felt empty because you think that this will never go anywhere.



  139.  #139Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    SS: I felt good reading about your day today and all the blessings in you life and your sweet boys holding your hand. 🙂



  140.  #140Tina on June 13, 2010 at 7:40 pm

    lol Daria, I liked or I “get” the death by my side of your writing. Do or die I get it, i get it!

    Death welcomed her she whispered softly in Goddess warrior womans ear , we will fight together



  141.  #141Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 7:42 pm

    Shannon, the crying feeling for me wasn’t a cue for me to stop what I was doing — it was just something for me to feel my way through — it was a feeling of “I wish I could have what I really want” and “what do I want?” and “this feels good but it would feel so much better with ‘the One.'”

    To me, it DID matter that I blew his mind. That feels really good to me. I LOVE blowing a guy’s mind sexually. I don’t feel “proud,” I feel sexy and sireny and luscious and desirable.

    “What was happening to me while this guy was having an amazing time?” *I* was having an amazing time too! My body felt all good and melty and acrobatic and young and I felt like I was a movie star in a classy sex scene.

    The crying feeling was part of the whole package — intimacy through sex. I mentioned on Rori’s post about intimacy through sex that it is something that comes very naturally to me — to be open and vulnerable during sex and really feel all my feelings. I was actually even more vulnerable this time with him than I have been before with other guys….. It was good. Like Siena said, it put me in a space where i could access all those feelings and feel them. Intimacy — it’s feeling everything you feel.



  142.  #142Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    I just told LI that I feel weird receiving all that he is doing for me. That I wish I could relax. That I feel bad that he is in there cooking while I am on the computer. He made me tea and it wasn’t how I wanted it and I told him and then I felt bad and high maintenance. He said to relax, everything is fine and he likes making stuff for me.

    Ahhh, letting love feels almost harder for me than being alone. It feels weird to be a goddess and receive. This feels new and different and weird but also kinda nice.



  143.  #143Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    “Is it because you are looking for a long-term love and you can’t see it with him due to his age?”

    yes, LG, that’s basically it.

    Mostly his age, but I was also disappointed that he wasn’t more interesting as a person — wouldn’t even really want to be friends with him. So, dead-end.



  144.  #144Siena on June 13, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    Where does Rori talk about making a sandwich? I’d like to revisit that…



  145.  #145Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    Shannon,

    Your words say this:
    I felt lonely.
    I felt dead-endness.
    I felt bored with him as a person.
    At one point, I felt like crying.

    Your actions say this:
    I stayed because I wanted to stay. “I do what I want”.

    ———–

    I feel curious about your feeling that my words and actions don’t line up.

    It’s like being on a little journey, where you feel lots of different feelings, and you feel curious about your feelings and watch them and feel them and pay attention to the thoughts that float through while you’re on your journey, but you don’t have to end the journey and go home just cuz you feel a bit homesick or the weather wasn’t great in Brussels or whatever. You experience the adventure unless it feels just completely awful or unsafe. And you go home when you want to go home.

    You only listed the *uncomfortable* feelings that I mentioned in my story — there were some really pleasant feelings I mentioned as well. 🙂



  146.  #146Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    Lucy:

    Maybe the message is just that. You want long-term love and not just a booty call even if it does make you feel sexy and open to your feelings. Maybe being desirous used to bring you validation but now it doesn’t.



  147.  #147Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 8:03 pm

    Siena: funny you should ask because I was wondering the same thing and actually feeling very inspired to revisit and relearn Rori’s work. I feel so happy that I am no longer leaning forward and overfunctioning and now I feel ready to take it to the next level.

    I seem to remember Daria explaining the making a sandwhich concept recently. I can’t remember exactly what Rori says about it.

    Things are coming together for me around this needing space thing. I realized that part of why I need space is because I feel so uncomfortable receiving from him. So uncomfortable that I want to escape.



  148.  #148Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    Oh Lucy, I feel weird about what I wrote to you.



  149.  #149Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    So, anyone have a good handle on the message here so I can stop attracting 25 and 23 year olds and get to the keepers my own age???!!!!

    Oh, Daria, you did write a message or two — but I don’t really feel attracted to younger guys; they apparently are attracted to me though.

    What was your other one? Something about me being – oh, there it is, “extremely attractive” lol Is that a message? Really? Does that count as a message? I’m not sure i agree that I am extremely attractive, but it does feel good to BELIEVE THAT ANYWAY!!!!!



  150.  #150Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    LG, I feel chuckling that you feel weird about it. 🙂 He doesn’t actually just want a booty call, which is part of the problem — he wants a “relationship” — he likes me and wants to spend time with me and actually hang out and do stuff together — but I don’t want a relationship with him, and I felt sad to realize that I don’t even like him as a friend. I kinda would have liked to have an interesting friend.



  151.  #151Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    Sweetpea, I didn’t respond to “our” guy’s last email, but he sent me another one — asking me to come to CO. Lol!



  152.  #152Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    Lucy:

    ya to the extremely attractive message. That’s what I was trying to get at earlier but I didn’t feel happy with the way I said it.

    So maybe the message is you are attractive enough, attractive enough to attract men almost half your age. And now you can get on with the business of coonnecting with your long-term love without having any concerns about your attractiveness.

    How does that feel?



  153.  #153Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    Lucy: I didn’t mean that he just wants a booty call. I meant that because you aren’t interested in having a relationship but you still felt attracted to himenough to make out that all it would really be for you is a booty call. 🙂



  154.  #154dorothea on June 13, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    Lucy, sweetpea…you are talking to someone in colorado? that’s where i live:D you should visit colorado just cause.



  155.  #155Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    Hmmm, LG, I feel unsure….

    It feels good to think of myself as attractive and “attractive enough.”

    But….please don’t yell at me (Daria or anyone else), my thoughts and feelings go to —-> I was not attractive enough for TN man. I feel ashamed saying that and I feel afraid people will feel triggered or frustrated with me.

    When I was with 25 today, that thought came to me several times — “Why can’t TN man feel like 25 feels about me???” — I didn’t dwell on it, and reminded myself to stay in the moment, enjoy the man who is in front of me — but it was there a few times in spite my best efforts.



  156.  #156Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 8:28 pm

    Last night I was at this party and I was sitting in a group with LI and MM (mystery man that I was feeling very attracted to and confused about) and few other people and MM was telling a story and as he was telling it, he was mostly making eye contact with only me. Now normally I would feel excited because here this man I am attracted to was paying a lot of attention to me but I actually felt really weird and uncomfortable….mostly because LI was there.

    I am starting to feel less attracted to MM. We are moving in to more of a friend zone and I feel good about that. It feels good to have that worry and curiousity and feeling that I might be missing something going away. Feels like relief.



  157.  #157Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    Ok, gotcha LG, about the booty call. I don’t even feel attracted enough to do THAT again!



  158.  #158Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    Dorothea, my sister lives in CO Springs.



  159.  #159Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    Yay for MM going into Friend zone!!!



  160.  #160Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 8:36 pm

    The rotten thing is, I did fb chat with him a lot for months, and now I don’t want to talk to him any more! Cuz he’s gonna want to see me again and I don’t want that. So, um, I guess it will be time to practice being truthful and not tiptoeing around a guy’s feelings.



  161.  #161Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    Lucy: I don’t feel triggered by hearing about TN. I do feel a little triggered by the yelling comment because I don’t think I or Daria or anyone has yelled at anybody here. I feel sad that you think that.

    I don’t feel triggered by you talking about TN because I feel an openness in you. I feel understanding of where you are coming from.

    As for the attactiveness thing, who says you weren’t attractive enough for TN. That sounds like jumping to conclusions to me. Just because interloper is “adorable” as you say it doesn’t mean that TN chose her over you for that reason. I don’t feel good about jumping to that conclusion.



  162.  #162Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 8:44 pm

    I guess “yelling” was the wrong word — I know sometimes people feel frustrated when I talk about TN man, and that makes me feel like crying because …. well, because it does.

    I feel like crying right now. I actually have a lump in my throat.

    I feel good and grateful that you feel understanding about TN man.

    When I said about not being attractive enough for TN man, I meant in a general sense; i.e., if I was attractive enough (overall) for him, he would have chosen me. Isn’t that why men choose who they choose?



  163.  #163Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 8:55 pm

    Lucy: Well, from what I understand they choose who they feel attracted to but their attraction isn’t just based on physical or sexual attraction. It like how Rori talks about how a man can be with a woman who is beautiful, successful, etc yet he seems to have commitment issues but then he meets someone else, a woman who isn’t necessarily as beautiful but she has a siren quality that he can’t resist and he ends up marrying her.

    So how that applies to your situation…

    I would just say it’s about having confidence in yourself. Knowing that it’s not over til it’s over. TN dating interloper could actually work out to your benefit. Trusting in the universe that it will give you what you want. The story is not over. There are a million possible paths to your happily ever after.



  164.  #164Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 9:00 pm

    Thanks, LG. That’s what I meant by overall attractiveness — “she has a siren quality that he can’t resist and he ends up marrying her” — I meant I wasn’t attractive enough in THAT way to TN man.

    How could his dating interloper work out to my benefit?

    I feel grateful for all your encouraging and supportive words. <3



  165.  #165mary on June 13, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    R just emailed me and he’s worried about my money just going, going and going.

    we broke up on Valentine’s Day.

    what is he doing emailing me that? I don’t understand…

    here’s what he said,

    “Just wondering if you made it home safely? I know you will call me if you want help and or suggestions with your money. I amquite torn knowing that your account is getting smaller every month and want to figure out some way to stop it. I know it is so hard to save thousands of dollars once it is gone.”

    oh.

    this makes me feel so scared.

    but what else can i do?

    i’m trying as hard as i can.

    i feel scared.



  166.  #166mary on June 13, 2010 at 9:06 pm

    what is an interloper girl?



  167.  #167Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    if I was attractive enough (overall) for him, he would have chosen me. Isn’t that why men choose who they choose?

    Well, ya I guess in a sense but I also think there are other reasons having to do with what we are vibrating and what we are creating for ourselves. Law of attraction style. Like maybe the woman that the guy chooses is just more in alignment with being with him…meaning she doesn’t have as many resistant thoughts blocking what she wants from coming to her.

    Abraham hicks says that feeling jealous that someone else was able to create something in their lives that we want in ours only blocks what we want from coming in. If we can realize that God, the universe, whatever you want to call it is capable of answering all of our prayers then we can feel happy for that person. There is no shortage of love and possibilities. Anything Can happen but when our attention is over there focused on what we don’t have, we can’t see it.



  168.  #168mary on June 13, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    aside from R, though…

    i’ve had a pain-free, non-obsessive day.

    didn’t think about Island Man even once.

    didn’t wish for him.

    didn’t wonder about him.

    didn’t think about him.

    i guess he committed a deal breaker, eh! i wish he had done it sooner!

    how did this happen that i suddenly feel so fine about him? is it because i’ve been working on detachment? consciously keeping or rejecting thoughts? and now it’s just effortless? or is it because he just completely turned me off by saying we were gonna get together and then not showing?

    i don’t know!

    all i know is that the pain associated with wishing for him is gone.

    and that feels so good!



  169.  #169Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    I feel happy for him, but also jealous. How can I get to the place I need to be in that respect, LG?



  170.  #170Melany on June 13, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Rori, can someone be hurting from a relationship, be angry, mad, and resentful at the person and still respond my kissing back the said person? Am I crazy and need to see a shrink? Why did I respond to him instead of pushing him off?

    At the same time how do I get along with this person without jeopardizing the relationship between him and our daughter.

    I wrote to you before, telling you about being in a relationship with a man for almost 2 years with plans to get married, buy a house and have children. But the child came first and the man has now totally withdrawn. We hardly ever speak now. He hardly ever call to even ask how the child is doing. He hardly visits.

    When I found out that he has been cheating on me while I was pregnant all I felt was anger, hurt and resentment towards him. At first I often times curse him which I believe pushed him even further away.

    He once wrote me after the break up that He loves his child but his joy is in me. He had also mentioned that we should be great friends and he is ok being alone. I told him no I do not want any friendship with him.

    Lately I have been practising leaning back and the only time when I contact him is when something needs to be done for our child. I am still angry and somehow I believe he sensed it and is keeping away. I really want my child to have a meaningful relationship with her father.

    I have started circular dating, taking time out to go to the gym, beach, study, read books, meditate and doing things with my daughter to take my mind off him and putting me as first priority. All is well until he shows up or calls telling me he wants to stop by.

    He came by recently and out of the blue he kissed me and I was surprised that I gave in and Kissed him back.

    Can you help Rori?



  171.  #171Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 9:18 pm

    Mary, Interloper Girl is the name I gave the girl TN man is dating (his “girlfriend”).



  172.  #172Laughing goddess on June 13, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    Lucy: ya, I got that that’s what you were saying about attractiveness after I posted and then reread your post. I feel silly for being redundant.

    As far as how him dating interloper girl could be to your benefit? I’m just saying that God works in mysterious ways and we don’t always know how things are going to work out.

    Maybe by being with her he will realize that he is really ready for something deeper.

    Or maybe, it will help you to get even clearer on what you want which will help you to attract exactly what you want

    I’m just saying that by trusting and believing that you will get what you want even when things look hopeless is very very powerful.

    If I were you, I would celebrate all of those qualities that you love about TN while also reminding yourself that you could meet someone with all those qualities and more! The same energy that created TN created the rest of the men out there as well. Those great qualities aren’t exclusive to him. So don’t get stuck on him, get stuck on the qualities you want and the feelings you want to have in a relationship.



  173.  #173Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    Sweetpea, you must have motivated our guy to add the blurb on his profile about marijuana for medicinal purposes!



  174.  #174Lucy on June 13, 2010 at 9:23 pm

    Thanks so much, LG. <3 That really resonates with me. It's hard to keep hoping and believing sometimes. Going to bed now. Goodnight!



  175.  #175mary on June 13, 2010 at 9:35 pm

    i’ve just learned something about attraction by noticing the way i am with Man in the Woods.

    he’s extremely handsome. very attractive. i love the way he smells. he has style. kinda metrosexual. he wears bracelets, and they look good on him. i love his house! i love the music he likes. i like to do the things he likes to do.

    i want to kiss him! i want to make out with him! i want to be close to him!

    but… he talks too much. he doesn’t leave space. he needs to know where he stands at all times. he’s focused on THE RELATIONSHIP. he constantly talks about it.

    these things kill my attraction for him.

    and when he starts talking, a wall goes up and my attraction for him just disappears.

    gone.

    maybe that’s what happened to R with me?

    and i thought i wasn’t physically attractive enough for him! maybe it was that he just knew that i wasn’t the one?

    and he couldn’t bear to let me down? so he couldn’t keep kissing me?

    that’s how i feel about Man in the Woods.



  176.  #176mary on June 13, 2010 at 9:36 pm

    and last night he told me i was SELFISH for continuing to date other men. i’ve never been called that in my entire life.



  177.  #177mary on June 13, 2010 at 9:38 pm

    oh melany,

    that must have been so terrible when your man left and you were pregnant!

    i’m so sorry that happened to you. i feel sad thinking about it.



  178.  #178Sweetpea on June 13, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    I just want to share with everyone that Rori’s tools are working for me. I am learning so much. I feel really freaked out when I’m out with a guy and I realize how much I actually used to control my interactions with men. Especially sexually. Wow! I am so happy to be making such progress and to see for myself how well this works!
    I got home from a CD not long ago and I feel adored. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this from a guy. I feel excited that my boundaries are being respected. And it feels so good to hear “you are beautiful. You are desirable.” Wow!!!
    Thank all of you for all of you help and suggestions on here. I feel confident I would not be feeling this much success this quickly if it wasn’t for everyone here who has helped and just listened and/or commented.
    Muah!!!



  179.  #179Elayne on June 13, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    Daria, re: #71, I love what you said:

    “its simply impossible for a man to not be into me

    i am a WOMAN. men are into me. thats it.”

    I am SO gonna remember that!



  180.  #180Siena on June 13, 2010 at 9:55 pm

    Yay Sweetpea!!



  181.  #181Elayne on June 13, 2010 at 9:58 pm

    Oh, and after I got that e-mail from the man “respecting my decision” he called to make sure I wasn’t mad at him. We talked, he was super sweet, he apologized, saying that was the reality of his life, that he’s “soo busy and overwhelmed,” that his kids are giving him grief about not spending time with them either. I’m beginning to think he can’t do intimacy, even with his family. What’s up with a man being so busy that he has no time for anything he cares about?

    I am asking because it seems like this comes up a lot — do you Sirens think people are artificially busy or is it like overfunctioning, meaning that if they stop being busy they will have to deal with the yucky-ness inside?

    Oh, and I got FOUR e-mails this weekend from men from online dating sites. After what seems like months, and getting rid of all the old CD guys, there are a bunch of new ones showing up. I don’t know if I’m going to be interested in any of them, but I’m looking forward to practicing on them!

    Elayne



  182.  #182Alicia on June 13, 2010 at 10:01 pm

    Understand dualities‏ – Higher Awareness email

    Life is the coexistence of all opposite values. Joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain, up and down, hot and cold, here and there, light and darkness, birth and death. All experience is by contrast, and one would be meaningless without the other.”

    — Deepak Chopra

    Life is full of dualities, opposites. Despite their apparent opposition, each extreme in a duality is necessary to fully actualize the other. Each depends on the existence of the other. For example, we cannot know honesty if we don’t know deception.

    The key is to not resist or suppress the negative. We need to acknowledge its existence, though we may choose not to express it. When we embrace wholeness, we move to a higher perspective.

    “The light which man has discovered within himself makes him more aware of the dark; through the good which attracts him, he sees the evil which is the line of least resistance; the activity leading to pain simultaneously permits him to visualize the contrasting pleasure, and thus he experiences something of both hell and heaven.”

    — Aart Jurriaanse



  183.  #183Elayne on June 13, 2010 at 10:08 pm

    Wow, Mary..that’s interesting about your guy talking too much. Have you told him that?

    I always thought men weren’t very open, but in my experience, they talk A LOT when we are leaning back. It’s like it all just comes out.

    Do you think no one listens to men? And then, the first woman who comes along and listens, watch out!



  184.  #184Alicia on June 13, 2010 at 10:09 pm

    World War 3 just broke out in my house.. So I hope the higher awareness email is true!

    On a scale of 1-10 I’m about a ten pissed off right now… ERRRRGHHHH! I can’t win for loosing it feels AWFUL!

    I have bent over backwards in this house, with my 2nd family cleaning, taking care of pets, plants and care giving, plus, given cards and money. My mom even sent cards to show gratitude and my “adopotive mom” will not stop complaining.. But, not me.. her real daughter who is like my sister.. we’ve known eachother since diapers….

    Am I just going to get triggered more and more every week?? I mean a warning on the home page… Like strap yourself in would be good… (j/k) But, kinda for real…. I did remove myself and write a feeling letter but, I’m for sure moving.. and that is more triggers to face this week.. I hate my child hood trauma. This is such BS!!!!!



  185.  #185Alicia on June 13, 2010 at 10:09 pm

    OH CLARIFY…….. Not that this blog is BS! No no never! I mean the “therapy” feelings involved!!



  186.  #186Alicia on June 13, 2010 at 10:10 pm

    As in the anger.. and bad feelings.. I feel like I just get more and more sensitive..



  187.  #187Sweetpea on June 13, 2010 at 10:17 pm

    I just got done catching up on all that’s been happening here while I was out. Sounds like it’s been quite the night.

    I already expressed my feelings about suggestions, support, etc. so won’t go there again, but it feels horrible to me to read all this. I’m going to resist trying to fix it. I like Rori’s comments. Things were getting a little heated on here before I left and I felt good about it. It was strange because I could tell there were some feelings of anger, but I was thinking, “It’s ok. Everyone’s expressing their feelings.”



  188.  #188Sweetpea on June 13, 2010 at 10:22 pm

    Anyway… now that I’m caught up on everything – I wanted to add that not only am I feeling adored, but I stayed open. It was hard. I had to keep checking myself to make sure I was. But it got easier.

    The best part is that I’m feeling quite leaned back. I made out with Attracted2 tonight and he wanted me to stay & I just told him I think I should go home. And he told me he doesn’t want me to feel uncomfortable and he brought me home. After he made me dinner.

    Now, my behavior in the past would be the analyzing/ obsessing – but I’m not. It’s not there at all! I’m feeling comfortable and safe and happy and blessed. And leaned back. Wow!! This feels awesome!

    Thanks again Rori and all the rest of you!



  189.  #189Sweetpea on June 13, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    Lucy, I don’t think I inspired koolv to do anything. All I did was ask him what not religious meant. Your “preety” little christian self probably inspired him to that. lol

    Hmm… interesting that he wants you to come here (Dorothea, I’m in CO – Lucy if you have a sister in CO Springs, you should come visit!).

    Sounds like you had a fun date. I understand how you’re feeling. Sometimes this CDing is hard. But it makes perfect sense to me that it will help with self-esteem and give us a less pressured place to practice the tools. It’s all worth it I say. I think the hardest part is just the complete change in thinking that I’ve had to go through – am still going through – the “de-programming” if you will.



  190.  #190mary on June 13, 2010 at 10:53 pm

    Elayne,

    hello!

    well, i’m a very good listener. but my ex-husband wore me out. he would work himself up into a tizzy and the more i listened, the madder he would get. it was fascinating to watch. something would set him off – could be anything! – and he’d suddenly be off on a tirade and no amount of listening would calm him down. i thought of different things i might do about it:

    1. i could listen silently, which is completely in line with my very quiet nature.
    (that made him so furious.)

    2. i could actively listen, by nodding my head, occasionally repeating the last words he said and saying things like , “oh, I see!”
    (that had no effect on him.)

    3. i could mimic his behaviour and do the same thing he was doing, back to him.
    (i didn’t feel good doing that. he’d say things to my kids about their dad being a dead-beat dad, and things like that. i didn’t ever trash his kids’ mom, or anyone else, for that matter.)

    4. i could leave the room
    (and that’s how i usually handled it. that made him furious.)

    at the end of the marriage, i figured out something that WORKED.

    it’s almost like when he was talking, he was on stage. you know? like i was the audience, and he was on a soap box.

    so one day, i was analyzing this in my head, and i thought, “hey, what if i was on stage, too?”

    so the next time he got started, i stepped over (as if i was stepping onto the stage), and got into a dramatic state of mind, and just started joining in to his monologue… “Yes! i KNOW!” I’d say… “I can’t EVEN BELIEVE that! and did you see it when she said such and such? i thought I’d just DIE when she said that!”

    that kind of thing.

    when i did that, he looked at me funny, and the corners of his mouth just twitched, as though he was holding back a smile, and suddenly his eyes started glowing. he really didn’t know how to handle it, but he seemed like he enjoyed it.

    and it settled him right down.

    now, when Man in the Woods starts going off into a monologue, i think,

    “wow, i’m so glad i’m not married to him! i don’t have to do this any more. in fact, i’m NOT gonna do it any more.”

    so i don’t think it’s a matter of listening to men who never get listened to.

    i think it’s saying, “hey. this is not normal behaviour and i’d rather have conversations than be a bystander in a monologue.”



  191.  #191mary on June 13, 2010 at 10:56 pm

    and Man in the Woods gets animated and is always talking about “them,” as if he was a victim.

    you know what?

    i don’t like the things he talks about.



  192.  #192Ankita on June 13, 2010 at 11:22 pm

    Hello Sirens

    Gotta share a lot of things

    1) MarriedMan27 again texted me if he could call me so that we can talk, or don’t talk at all? I replied, ” I didn’t realized you were married. But when you are indeed married, am sorry, but am no longer interested in you. I want to know am the only girl in my guy’s life.”

    And I haven’t heard (fortunately) from him, since then.

    2) On zoosk I found some really cute guys, last time I didn’t send them any message.
    But this time I thought let’s send them this,
    “I feel intrigued by you. In case you wanna contact me, you can drop to me at (my email id).
    Hope you have a great week.
    Ankita..”

    How does this sound???

    3) On a dating site, I found a guy who gave me his number, I gave him mine. He contacted me today morning by text. (Gosh, why do the guys I just meet text? Why don’t they call?)… we exchanged 4-5 texts. I was busy at something, so I just sent him this text, “I feel good getting texts from you. Feel curious to hear your voice. Do call me when you are free.”
    He said, “ok.”

    I feel butterflies in my stomach. I feel little weird. I have never used such feelings messages with guys ever before. It all feels so new and refreshing. Like, I am in my CHARGE…!!!” I have POWER & am FREE TO DO WHAT I WANT…!!!

    Wow…!!



  193.  #193Katie on June 14, 2010 at 12:12 am

    So much going on here – great post. The chasing him theme is apt just now in my life. Catching up on convos.
    Laters x



  194.  #194mary on June 14, 2010 at 12:29 am

    I just logged onto POF and Island Man was there. DIdn’t bother me in the slightest.

    Total change from a few days ago.

    I’m still amazed.

    And again, I’m asking how it happened. This is IMPORTANT because I’m out of pain. And not obsessing about this guy any more. Figuring out what happened could be crucial to my ability to short-circuit the process in the future.

    It either has to do with:

    1. his complete blunder in saying one thing and doing another?

    2. the fact that i’ve been trying consciously to redirect my thoughts about him?

    3. the way he reminded me of my first husband when he was telling me about the choices he made that led to him not showing up for our date?

    4. circular dating? and the ability to compare him with other, more reliable men? could be…

    5. a combination? a compilation? yes! probably.



  195.  #195Nikita on June 14, 2010 at 12:41 am

    I am currently living with a man…..I feel disappointed….about this….I feel scared of … Being valued less and being exclusive due to the situation…..he keeps introducing me to people as his gf……sigh…….

    This all happened because my previous living situation fell apart……I want to be intimate with another….I like my “bf” but …..*ahem* ….. I don’t see a ring on my finger……I feel….ugh…..can I please manifest several thousand dollars for a place of my own…..how do I navigate this? Help.
    I feel angry…..that I allowed myself to be so financially vulnerable. WTF ….. I started packing to spend a week away to gain perspective…..I cringe when I hear him say gf….like he has some right to me……I love this man but……c’mon….WTF is a gf?



  196.  #196Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 1:00 am

    Amy

    Re#34

    I don’t have the exact program but I heard Daria talking about it somewhere and just noted it down..
    It goes as

    “Rori would say you’d say ‘oh I’m feeling like I’m drifting off to sleep’ and then the guy says … “okay goodnight”
    and you LET HIM BE THE LAST TO SPEAK and you kinda just float off into the night energetically”

    Perhaps this is it…



  197.  #197Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 1:02 am

    Shannon

    RE#78

    I feel really funny and silly asking you this question, but am so curious I couldn’t stop myself….

    What do you mean by MAN’S FAST? And why were you on it? Pardon if I am being a li’l nosy, but couldn’t stop myself from asking you this..



  198.  #198Nikita on June 14, 2010 at 1:03 am

    I cry…..ugh…and I feel like I’m competing…..ugh….I feel triggered by everything……ok not everything but enough.

    So he comes home and sees me packing…. And he acts confused and then the air feels tight to me….. We discussed me going out of state………..ok, maybe not discuss….I told him I was going out of state a week ago but didn’t know when I’d leave….he calls me “aloof” a few hours later. I’m not aloof! I’m broke and require shelter! We wanted to still see eachother without the pressure of living together full time…..(of course I want an engagement)……so I was going to split my time….but now I feel so crummy about everything and triggered at the lack of real commitment I want to leave and never come back(my inner child ranting and seeking revenge for this) I feel confused….I know what I want and he isn’t ready……so while he thinks about it I want to get frisky with a previous lover…..(bcuz it was AMAZiNG:)….. And well, I am single(been celibate for a while) ….. Sigh……why can’t my bf see that this gf thing is stale? He doesn’t want to be pressured but I don’t want to be limited to just him….how do I cd and live with a man? And I am thankful to him….but …it’s only temporary and I feel this anger that it isn’t permanent ……he claims to be the type that “needs room”…. Ok….but I need different……affections while he’s taking up all of his “room”



  199.  #199Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 1:05 am

    Alicia

    RE#106

    I agree with you…. I have this in my case too… My friend circle has changed.. Am no longer getting attracted to the same people I used to….

    The silliest example regarding this is my study… Just the way we CD and keep our options open, same way i am trying to manage my studies and works, keeping all options open… Lol… 😀 😀

    I interact differently with my family… they say, I’m changed… I feel amused at myself…!!! Lol… 😉



  200.  #200Nikita on June 14, 2010 at 1:12 am

    Yes … He wants to choose to live together and be together not do it because of coincidence and the wind blew me in his direction……but my thoughts are……if he wanted me…would it matter? I’ve lived on my own since I was 17…..now I got jammed up…… And he expressed wanting us to live together and I said no I want to be married….not a gf…..and now look!! Here I am a gf only because we live together…..where is the leverage in living with a man? I did squeeze in a date but …….I feel so pressured to be loyal…..ugh……what is the reward in that…..? And when I leave I don’t think I’ll be able to really date due to the location…..and I’m going to have to look for a new job and I don’t want to leave my job here!!! And I just came off a man fast that lasted MONTHS…..



  201.  #201Daria on June 14, 2010 at 1:16 am

    Tina – it was from an american native story. its quoted on this essay i got on my blog now, like 3 posts back, i think its like pride of the warrior… i like how the essay talks about teh warrior as she



  202.  #202Nikita on June 14, 2010 at 1:16 am

    I want to scream” I Hate you “, repeatedly…..at him while he sleeps…..I must be angry at myself……I love my anger.

    Why would I create this?



  203.  #203Nikita on June 14, 2010 at 1:21 am

    If I give a “no girlfriend” speech, I’ll have no place to live, and yet I love this man ……or like him or whatever but I feel turned off by this lukewarm commitment….am I being impossible and greedy?



  204.  #204Nikita on June 14, 2010 at 1:26 am

    I don’t feel greedy….I feel hungry…..I feel sad…..I feel trapped by my own financial mistakes. I don’t want to leave the state!

    And why is it that he doesn’t want to live together full time but when I’m away or preparing to go away….he thinks I’m angry or being weird or…..something….some complaint about the way I do things……when I’m respecting his boundaries and creating some fun and release for me…WTF ?



  205.  #205mary on June 14, 2010 at 2:13 am

    Nikita!

    hello again!

    i’m so glad to see you!

    i’m listening…



  206.  #206mary on June 14, 2010 at 2:15 am

    i read somewhere that to be disappointed in yourself
    is to have believed in yourself.

    and the end of believing in yourself
    is when you begin to learn.



  207.  #207mary on June 14, 2010 at 2:21 am

    Nikita,

    you left so mysteriously, saying you were gonna be celibate.

    i thought you were becoming a nun!

    haha.

    i guess not.

    i went through a hermit period of two years. TWO YEARS!!!!

    too long…



  208.  #208mary on June 14, 2010 at 2:21 am

    for me…



  209.  #209mary on June 14, 2010 at 2:23 am

    “you feel turned off by this lukewarm commitment” –
    that sounds really legit to me…



  210.  #210mary on June 14, 2010 at 2:38 am

    i feel free of attachments to any man right now.

    (as of yesterday!)

    it feels pretty wonderful.

    i wonder how long it can last?

    i wouldn’t want it to last forever… i want to be attached, when my mind and my heart are in synch about it. i just don’t want my heart to open itself before it makes sense to my intellect.

    that’s what happened with Island Man. it’s like i was screaming at myself, “you don’t even KNOW him!” and “he’s not coming your way like you would like him to!”

    how then, did my heart get so involved, without my permission?

    and why has it suddenly let go? without my understanding?

    i must meld the two. be of one heart and mind. be in synch with myself. not at odds with myself.

    this is my challenge today…



  211.  #211mary on June 14, 2010 at 2:41 am

    and probably a lot of it has to do with my ideas about sex. and my desire to wait for the ring.

    oh! the ring.

    and how not to make that my quest? and how to put this desire to rest! without the ring… what is best?



  212.  #212mary on June 14, 2010 at 2:49 am

    man in the woods called me selfish.

    i felt a flash of something… anger? when he said it. i mean, it’s BAD FORM to say the word selfish. maybe i felt repelled. or just ugh… don’t say that! not to anyone! even if it’s true.

    he wants to have me for himself.

    he says he wants “someone” to “see” him.

    he wants “someone” to come his way.

    he wants “someone” to want to be with only him.

    he says, “we have the best time together and then you’re back on plenty of fish…”

    (yes, i’m just answering emails… it would be selfish not to answer them.)

    he says he wonders if i’m a taker.

    good grief. that sounds childish to me.

    the last guy was worried that i was too much of a giver.

    i don’t have to do this kindergarten banter back and forth.

    do i?

    NO.



  213.  #213mary on June 14, 2010 at 2:54 am

    i have soooooooo much to do before i leave town again.

    God, please give me clarity for all the things that need to get done tomorrow and the next day, and the next day.

    and please, God! the money is yours, anyway. i just want to learn, please, to be a good steward of what i have left. and not dwindle it away in foolishness.

    please give me wisdom.

    i want to share!

    God, please give me wisdom and prosperity and I’ll share with Daria, and she won’t have to market herself!

    haha.

    please give me a sense for marketing myself.

    please just let me enjoy the work.

    work is good for the soul.

    i feel happy to have work to do.

    thank you, God!

    God, also please help Nikita.

    and all of the other sirens here.

    thank you!!!



  214.  #214mary on June 14, 2010 at 2:55 am

    g’nite…



  215.  #215Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 3:05 am

    Alicia, RE: #106 – You said, “There is no way you stay the same person doing all this… It’s has to effect alot of areas in your life, I feel hopeful that it would… and helps me figure why my friends are litterally dropping off and new ones coming in..”

    LOL! I love it! I feel the same way! Last night I was praying…and suddenly I laughed out loud like crazy as I realized I was even giving GOD feeling messages! 🙂 I think He laughed too! I think God loves leaning back and feeling messages! 🙂



  216.  #216mary on June 14, 2010 at 3:11 am

    ok.

    my mind is still at it.

    my circular dating lineup:

    man in the woods?
    old flame (?) – he isn’t before me (yet)
    music man
    fisherman
    bridge builder man
    boat man
    pilot man
    younger man
    -and-
    new handsome man

    hmmmmm…

    it’s interesting and fun to spend time with each one of these guys, for one reason or another.

    i like this time in my life.

    now, which ones of these men have i kissed?

    man in the woods
    music man
    (old flame – years ago…)

    NOW! which ones of these men would i want to kiss?

    pilot man
    younger man
    new handsome man

    which ones would i never want to kiss?

    bridge builder man
    boat man

    okay!

    then why did i tell bridge builder man i’d go out with him this week?

    my precious week before i go home for a month?

    that was not wise.

    was it?

    he might have a message!

    sure.

    not so unwise…



  217.  #217Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 3:29 am

    Shannon, RE: #126 – You said, “Why didn’t you stop? When you felt like crying, why didn’t you stop?”

    I hear you, yet I think if I were in that situation. In CDing, I don’t WANT to. I WANT to be with Ryan. But I can’t. He’s the one who thrills me, when he’s behaving.

    Maybe it’s the same way with Juicy Lucy…she doesn’t WANT to CD. She doesn’t WANT to be with a big kid. She WANTS to be with TN Man. But she can’t.

    I dunno. but my feeling is that a whole lot of this is to move past our comfort zones and just learn new skills and open ourselves to experiencing new energy. I feel a lil confused cuz I think I woulda done the same thing as Lucy. Her heart wasn’t into it. Mine isn’t either, which is the #1 reason why I’ve been listening to Rori’s seminars for over a year and am only now starting to CD.

    So far, so miserable…last night was a new dude, Q, and he asked me to text or call, cuz he wasn’t into emailing. Neither am I, cuz I’m wanting real people. So I texted him. He texted back. I texted back a perfect feeling message. He texted back asking for a nice photo. I sent him a photo of a ferris wheel (*giggles!!*) followed by a text saying I’d feel more comfortable getting better acquainted before I sent him a pic of myself (he saw my photos on my profile).

    No answer.

    Typical. I am totally forcing myself to do this. I joined OKCupid last night and Match the night before, in addition to several not-as-well-known ones I’m already on (www.christianpassions.com; http://www.largepassions.com; nativeamericanpassions.com). Whooptie-thrill! I miss Ryan. Yuck!



  218.  #218Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 4:09 am

    Tallgirl,

    Hi! Just thot I’d add my two cents to all your conversations. No one here wants you to leave, and Daria said she feels welcoming to you.

    When you ask people their thots and feelings on you and your situations, you gotta expect at least SOME controversy. Not everyone is going to think and feel the same way.

    I used to see a counselor, and when I turned down his advice one time, he said, “I’m not going to waste my time counseling you if you’re not going to do what I say!”

    I told him, “I have a right to believe, think, and feel the way I want to. I alone am answerable to God for my words and actions, no one else. I believe there’s safety in a multitude of counsel, but that doesn’t mean I’m obligated to do everything everyone suggests to me.”

    He didn’t like that at all, as I knew he wouldn’t, and that was the last time I went to him for counseling. Since then, I’ve been to counselors who, when I ask, “How should I handle such-and-such?”, answer, “How do YOU think you should handle it?” Sometimes it’s frustrating, but I’ve come to see that as a mark of a mature counselor.

    And then I begin to reason and feel out loud. Often when I process what’s inside, I come up with my own solid answer. I sense you need to process too when you write things out here. I know I do, and it really helps. How do you feel about that?

    I still like to get input from others, weigh the in-between ideas, and come up with a creative solution. It’s all very valuable. And sometimes people who give us advice are deeper than us in a certain area, and they really know what they are talking about. They see it so clearly while maybe we haven’t grown that deeply yet.

    I felt wisdom in Daria’s words. She herself has grown a lot and has been helped so deeply by Rori’s techniques. She wants to help you and she feels frustrated when you turn down her wisdom.

    But maybe you aren’t there yet, or maybe it just isn’t for you.

    Okay, I am done being the house den mother. Can’t seem to mind my own bidness! LOL! But I care and I want us all to get along.

    You all are like the sisters I never had. I love you all!



  219.  #219mary on June 14, 2010 at 4:18 am

    okay… back to my lineup.

    which ones would i seriously want to date?

    old flame
    pilot man
    younger man
    -maybe- new handsome man

    and which ones could i see marrying?

    old flame

    I JUST KNOW it will be Old Flame.

    hands down.

    yes! he’s not before me. YET.
    he doesn’t exist. YET.
    he does call me. NOW.
    we do speak the same language. NOW.
    we do laugh at the same everything. NOW.

    so we’ll see. when the time comes, we’ll see!

    and all this information that i’m collecting from other guys will help me make and informed, good decision when the time comes.

    hopefully!



  220.  #220mary on June 14, 2010 at 4:19 am

    make “AN” informed, good decision



  221.  #221Simply Shannon on June 14, 2010 at 6:48 am

    I realized last night who different I see things. That my perspective completely shades everything I see.

    Lucy, when you describe your date, I “see” it completely different. It’s like you’re describing the view from the top of the building… and I’m inside on the 1st floor. I can’t even “see” what you see. What I “see” is a woman feeling like crying, and the man being completely clueless of that fact. No wonder the man falls for the woman and is completely addicted. He has no idea she feels bad even when she’s at her most vulnerable (re: sex). He only “sees” this woman who is rocking his world. Again, that’s just MY visual. I feel very understanding if this is not how you perceived the date. I really get that now.

    Nikita: Is this the Nikita that talked about going to the convent?



  222.  #222Linda on June 14, 2010 at 6:48 am

    WOW I have had to do a lot of reading to get caught up.

    SS: enjoy your fast. Each day in it will bring new revelation. Wait on the daily direction, and try to keep from thinking what you will do on July 1. The times I have fasted have been so helpful for clarity but it wasnt until I began to focus on that day and not the end of it that I gleaned the most from it. Fasting is a wonderful tool. Used in so many situations in life. I am excited to learn from you as you do it.

    Tall girl: The feeling I get when I read your posts is that you are truly wrestling and seeking answers for a place of rest and peace. I have done, thought, said, comtemplated, felt, the same things you have. My heart hear and goes out to you. Love yourself first, honor you and stay tuned into how you feel. They are like bread crumb trails that are traceable to their source. Try tracing them see what is there. maybe you could invest your energy there for a bit to settle within and then the stuff that life and guys throw at you wont distrupt or cause you pause. I stopped my mental olympics with painting myself in love and wrangling in thoughts that did not serve and support me, or my goals. Oddly doing that small step led me to so much more strength and peace.

    ……

    I am on a journey… I have found so much here that has empowered me. My biggest struggle is speaking with feeling messages. Speaking my truth comes out all boy energy, but I am slowly getting it balanced. I have been told my many over the years that they appreciate the clarity and directness with how I communicate. I am practicing and always challanged to add a feeling message in with it. It is not natural for me. Telling people how I feel feels like I am revealing something sacred and secret about me….Not sure where that comes from but I am whittiling at it little by little. Or should I say baby steps….

    I do like this…. verrrry much….. ”Is his BEHAVIOR toward me what I want?”

    “Is he BEHAVING” like a man who’s into me?”

    “Do I feel relaxed about it all because he’s clearly into me and allowing me to feel GOOD?”

    SUCH GOOOOD advise and reminders for me. Questions like these and answering them honestly not only keeps my thoughts clearly on track…(toward my goal of having a fantastic satisfying relationship)… but because of my goal and promise to myself… they hold my feet to the fire. To speak my truth (which is so liberating and brings a inner peace). As time goes I am getting more proficient at it and am a happier, and a more content me. It is like non-stick spray happened to me on the inside now… and thing that used to burn and stick just dont affect me anymore. That makes me smile inside and out.

    Hugs… Linda



  223.  #223Kiki on June 14, 2010 at 6:57 am

    I was involved with someone, we were having a great time together, then he withdrew, so I asked about it. His response was, “I was waiting for you to make the next move. I was putting in all the effort and you weren’t doing anything. I needed to feel as though you liked me too.”

    I thought I was doing what I’m supposed to do, sit back, receive, etc.

    I don’t get it?



  224.  #224Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 7:39 am

    Kiki,

    Can you share the specifics of your last interaction or so?

    When you were giving feeling messages, were you saying stuff like, “It feels so good to be with you!” etc? I found my last man really responded positively to that sort of thing.



  225.  #225Amy F on June 14, 2010 at 7:47 am

    Kiki,
    In my short experience, feeling messages should more than communicate your interest. If I am happy with someone, I tell him – “I feel really happy right now”. I smile and listen and I say what I feel in the moment. This is more than enough to show interest.
    Kiki, I have learned that there are some men who have lots of female energy. They need a woman who is going to do the work in a relationship like a man. and they are focused on the relationship. They don’t feel comfortable carrying the ball and running with it. I was such an overfunctioning woman, I could not even see who I was with before I started using Rori’s tools. I felt resentful because I did all the work, carried the conversation etc. This man sounds like a man with lots of female energy. He wants you to do some of the work.



  226.  #226Nikita on June 14, 2010 at 7:53 am

    SS,

    Yes it is



  227.  #227Kiki on June 14, 2010 at 8:00 am

    Hi Brenda, and Amy F.,

    After reading your comments, I’m realizing that I wasn’t using any or enough feeling messages. I tend to bottle up and keep everything to myself. I get scared that if I say how I feel, I’ll get hurt. Since I had that conversation with him, I’ve been telling him things like I miss him and I’m thinking of him, but he now seems so withdrawn, whereas before his pullback, he was coming toward me with a lot of interest, saying thigs like I am always on his mind, etc. Like many of us on this blog, I’m trying to find a way to return things between us to how they were before. I don’t mind giving energy to a relationship but I feel it should be equal. As Amy F. states, most of us don’t feel comfortable in the overfunctioning role! I will try using more feeling messages with him.



  228.  #228Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 8:11 am

    Kiki,

    I hope things turn around for you. Here’s another example of something you could say at the right juncture…

    Let’s say he says, “I was waiting for you to make the next move. I was putting in all the effort and you weren’t doing anything. I needed to feel as though you liked me too.” (as you said above)

    You could say, “Oh, that feels so weird! That’s not the way I feel at all! I feel deeply attracted to you!”

    I wonder if this could be a case where a little overfunctioning would be in order, as a means of damage control.

    ~ The Queen of Overfunctioning



  229.  #229Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 8:12 am

    Yeah, if it were me, I’d make him a sammich!

    YUM!



  230.  #230Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 10:29 am

    I feel bored using boy energy. I want a job using girl energy. I like feelings. I like people. I like psychology.

    Can I go home now?



  231.  #231Tina on June 14, 2010 at 10:37 am

    SS, yes I did. I cant quite put my finger on my feeling but it was very subtle feeling of something, something being taken away from me.



  232.  #232Kiki on June 14, 2010 at 10:48 am

    Hey Brenda,

    Yes, good advice. I did say things similar to what you suggested, as a form of damage control, as you say. He is still withdrawn. I feel like I ruined things between he and I due to my inability to share my feelings! My my, when will I get things right!



  233.  #233Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 10:58 am

    I feel angry.

    I feel really mad at that bitch.

    Isn’t she content with snatching away my ex from me?

    Now I am having a good time in my life, and she keeps resurfacing again and again, for worse.

    I feel frustrated, damn, what’s going on, wtf?

    Don’t I have the right to live a happy life? Why she keeps coming back to make me feel unhappy always?
    Fuck u damn
    fuck u bitch
    You made my life living hell, what the hell do you want?Aren’t you content yet???

    I don’t like it when this good for nothing girl was preferred over me, just coz I did every wrong thing in right place…

    I don’t like it when she keeps resurfacing every now and then..

    I don’t like it when the simple mention of her name sets my blood boiling…

    I don’t like it when I can’t get her out of my mind and I feel hatred towards her. It brings me pain…

    I may have claimed many guys, but with my ex, I feel like a loser, I feel like, she is grinning at me, saying, “Look at yourself, you damn aspiring engineer Ankita Shrivastava… What are you so proud of? Your looks, talents, what???? It’s of no worth, you couldn’t save your guy, just coz you did all the wrong things in right place… & your loss is my gain…”



  234.  #234Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 10:59 am

    I feel angry.

    I feel really mad at that bitch.

    Isn’t she content with snatching away my ex from me?

    Now I am having a good time in my life, and she keeps resurfacing again and again, for worse.

    I feel frustrated, damn, what’s going on, wtf?

    Don’t I have the right to live a happy life? Why she keeps coming back to make me feel unhappy always?
    F**k u damn
    f**k u bitch
    You made my life living hell, what the hell do you want?Aren’t you content yet???

    I don’t like it when this good for nothing girl was preferred over me, just coz I did every wrong thing in right place…

    I don’t like it when she keeps resurfacing every now and then..

    I don’t like it when the simple mention of her name sets my blood boiling…

    I don’t like it when I can’t get her out of my mind and I feel hatred towards her. It brings me pain…

    I may have claimed many guys, but with my ex, I feel like a loser, I feel like, she is grinning at me, saying, “Look at yourself, you damn aspiring engineer Ankita Shrivastava… What are you so proud of? Your looks, talents, what???? It’s of no worth, you couldn’t save your guy, just coz you did all the wrong things in right place… & your loss is my gain…”



  235.  #235Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Kiki,

    I hope you’re not beating yourself up! We are all mostly taught to subdue our feelings from the earliest age. That’s a big part of Rori’s work, too, to help us learn HOW to unzip our hearts.

    I felt deeply moved in the CD seminar where she had a woman come to the front and hold a flower…then describe the flower. The woman burst into tears as it brought up sadness and loneliness in her. It was really beautiful.

    The woman felt embarrassed to be crying over something as simple as a flower. But that is a prime example of what feeling creatures we are…often a soup of many, mixed emotions.

    Would it feel good for you to practice exercises like that by yourself? You could hold simple household objects then say out loud the feelings that come up. You can also practice on here…it really helps to get that stuff up and out of us, either in black and white or audibly!

    Then when it starts to flow spontaneously, it’s really beautiful! Practice feeling messages on everyone with whom you cross paths! It’s fun, and it’s powerful communication!

    I feel optimistically hopeful that you will grow thru this, despite your present pain.



  236.  #236Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 11:02 am

    Now, I don’t care if even in his whole lifetime my ex realizes this or not, but there was only one Ankita, and that Ankita was the best thing that had ever happened to him, no matter what…..

    I admit i did mistakes, but i did learn from them, and vowed never to commit them again,

    He doesn’t knows what he is missing… Yuck…!!

    I deserve the best man, and he was perhaps the worst thing that ever happened to me….

    he deserves that b***h only…. He doesn’t suits me damn….



  237.  #237Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 11:03 am

    Hi beautiful Ankita,

    Sorry you are hurting today. Where is she surfacing?

    Would you rather be with a man who rapes you and calls it love?



  238.  #238Tina on June 14, 2010 at 11:05 am

    I saw my “husband” in the shopping centre, he looke d at me, but I just walked past him, he was with his “girlfriend” I was with truckman. He looked and had a deer in the headlights look. Coffee waiter boy, stopped and said hello, he was very cheery and happy to see me and I was happy to see him. truckman does not like him at all! truckman says its not about me anymore, its about “respect” I said I personally think he is gay but ok whatever lol. Coffee waiter guy was with another man after all. Oh and “gym man” was there , he gave me a passing hello and wave and this guy I instantly felt attracted too , we locked eyes and it was on well for a minute or so.



  239.  #239Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 11:07 am

    I feel angry

    I feel frustrated…

    i wanna take out my anger at something…

    I am not a boxer, but if I had some kickboxing bag, I would have taken out all my anger on it…

    I don’t like it when her simple name sets my blood boiling….

    I feel ashamed of myself that I have no control over my anger, when I see her name or worse, her…. The hatred can be seen in my eyes at that moment….

    i don’t want that….. I want myself to be indifferent to her… after all , who the heck is she????? who is she???? she is no one… she is nothing….. in my life, it’s only me….. MEEEEE…..

    I am the only one who matters….. she doesn’t……



  240.  #240Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 11:09 am

    Ankita,

    How does the anger feel? How does your body feel?



  241.  #241Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 11:10 am

    Brenda

    On orkut, we have a mutual friend…. i didn’t notice it at first.. But then I saw her, and that did set my blood boiling…..

    I don’t call him “my love”, but i didn’t like it when I wasn’t preferred over her…..

    that’s the only thing which hurted me….

    And well, he never deserved me, but someday, even just for a moment, i longed to see love for me in his eyes, and whenever i see her, that pain becomes alive….



  242.  #242Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Brenda

    ANGER…….

    It gives me pain… it makes me feel shallow…..
    Just a few posts above i wrote, i am in my charge, and right now am feeling like, i have lost all charge….

    my shoulders have dropped down, i feel like i can’t feel it anymore… i can feel my fingers clenching to such an extent, that it like begins to aching….

    i feel like i have no power in my fists at the moment, but still feel like hitting….. in air….



  243.  #243Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 11:15 am

    Brenda

    pardon me if am not able to fully express my feelings, am new to this, am taking little time….. to feel and then find the right words to express them….



  244.  #244Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 11:17 am

    Ankita,

    He wasn’t worthy of you. Someday you will be with a beautiful, loving, adoring man, and when you think about Painman, you will thank your Higher Power that you were still available when YOUR love of a lifetime comes along! Picture that! Imagine that!

    Painman is incapable of real love. It wasn’t you…it was him. I bet you this current woman is suffering, too. It sounds like he belongs in prison, not in the arms of another woman. 🙁

    Can you sink into your feelings and love them? Can you process your anger and pain?



  245.  #245Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Ankita,

    You are feeling your feelings well! And, there’s no right or wrong. Is there a pillow available you can pound with your fists? Or a bed?



  246.  #246Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 11:20 am

    How does it feel to feel powerless and out of control?



  247.  #247Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 11:23 am

    But Brenda

    He said that he was happy with this girl, and wrote lovely but superficial things about her in his id, that she brings the best in his life, and has changed him, and he cant take a single breath without her…

    You know what, i know he isn’t changed… even today, it would just take me 5 minutes to seduce him, that’s why he still wanted to have sex with me , which i refused….

    and she also looks happy (that girl is very compromising), and that make me feel like, i was wrong somehow, or no….???



  248.  #248Tina on June 14, 2010 at 11:25 am

    I remember a guy a long time ago, i was sitting in a bus, he was on the street passing by, he couldnt stop staring at me, I blew him a kiss and he laughed and kept walking 🙂



  249.  #249Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 11:25 am

    Brenda

    Yes… i have a pillow and bed right beside me…. should i work out my anger on them???



  250.  #250Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 11:27 am

    Shannon, I understand what you are saying….but it’s like I can see it from the top of the building AND from inside the room ….both.

    The reason he falls for me is not because he is clueless to my feelings, but because he is drawn in by the fact that I allow myself to feel all these different things, process them, and do whatever I choose to do with those feelings — all without pushing any of the responsibility onto HIM for my feelings. I have shared my genuine feelings with him all along the way — from our first online contact all the way through last night’s experience. He has learned that I respect and honor my own feelings and choose my own actions. These men see me walking out when I want to walk out and staying when I want to stay — and not sedating or controlling my emotions by AVOIDING them.

    Last night was not one continuous make-out session . . . I backed away when I wanted to and let him close when I wanted to, buttoned up when I wanted to and unbuttoned when I wanted to, following my feelings, expressing my feelings all the way. A couple times I even said I felt like I might want to leave but wasn’t sure yet. Completely free and open. .”



  251.  #251Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Brenda

    POWERLESS….

    It feels bad…. we are women…. we have the ultimate power over relationships,,,, we have the power over all….. and i feel powerless…. it feels yuck…!!
    it feels shameful….

    OUT OF CONTROL

    i can feel my head tilted back a little, eyes closed, jaws clenched, and getting really upset, coz i don’t like to be out of control…..

    i don’t want to control my feelings, but i want to have control over who is capable of making me angry and who isn’t….
    i don’t like it when the people who i hate, make me angry…..



  252.  #252Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Ankita,

    If it would help you to get out your anger, pound away on the bed and pillow! It would feel a little more empowering than pounding thin air! 🙂

    If you are looking at his profile on the computer, are you on your bridge?

    Where does Ankita’s bridge lead? What are your goals? What is your P.O.P. (Purpose On the Planet)? Who is your ideal man? Who are you going out with this weekend?

    Of course it’s natural to think of the man you loved and gave so much of yourself to. But like you said, this is about you…YOU and YOUR feelings. It’s okay to feel your anger and pain.



  253.  #253Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 11:34 am

    Tina,

    That’s cool that you blew a kiss to him! I used to get really bent out of shape when people looked at me intensely. Now I just smile. I think sometime I’ll step out of my comfort zone and blow a kiss like that!



  254.  #254Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 11:35 am

    Brenda

    I don’t know why, but while i was resting today afternoon, i felt like someone is about to come….

    it was my instinct, i felt like i could sense it, it felt like someone is coming to rescue me out of this cage, it felt like a knight in shining Armour who is coming to save a damsel-in-distress….

    it felt like someone is coming near me, someone is coming to me, for me…

    it brought tears in my eyes…. and the ambiance went so great i can’t explain… i looked out of my window, it was all raining, i love rains, the winds blew through my face, bringing my long hairs on my face a little, and then i felt like, someone is coming….

    i don’t know how true my intuition will be, though….



  255.  #255Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 11:37 am

    Ankita,

    You are doing a great job sinking into your feelings! What are you going to do with your anger, pain, powerlessness, and hatred?



  256.  #256Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 11:39 am

    Ankita,

    That’s wonderful! BELIEVE that he is coming! It’s the Law of Attraction at work! The Secret! You just keep envisioning him coming, and he will! Operate as if he is on his way…prepare for him! 🙂



  257.  #257Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Lucy,

    That is really cool how you handled yourself! What a Siren! 🙂



  258.  #258Tina on June 14, 2010 at 11:40 am

    “almost love” feels far more thrilling.



  259.  #259Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 11:42 am

    Brenda

    Ankita’s bridge leads to her knight in shining Armour, for whom she is meant to be…. i want my guy to come to me someday, crossing all his path obstacles, just come and take me….

    my goal are to lead a happy life…. full of feelings and love….

    my P.O.P is to live happily, and wherever i go, to make the environment happy….

    my ideal man is someone who will love me so much, he won’t ever risk losing me… when i lay in his arms, i wanna feel the world has come to a halt.. when i look into his eyes, i wanna see only my image back….. when he happens to me, i wanna feel like he is the best thing which ever happened to me…. someone who is so masculine and a knight in shining armour, who will make me feel so safe with him…. who will accept me the way i am.. who will take all my pains on himself…. who will love me so much, that with him, every day it would feel like, we just did met…..



  260.  #260Tina on June 14, 2010 at 11:46 am

    He looked like a very angry “cat in the hat”



  261.  #261Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 11:50 am

    Brenda

    with my anger, pain, powerlessness, and hatred, i am going to love and embrace them, after all they are mine…

    Right now, I am feeling a strange but great combo of 6 feelings, anger, pain, powerlessness, hatred, loving and warm… The last 2 feelings are of when I think of my prince in shining Armour….

    But I feel so alone without him, i feel like i want him to come and hold my hand, i want him to say no matter what, he won’t ever leave my side, i want us to complement each other so much that when we walk together people say, “look, one of the world’s really special couple….”



  262.  #262Tina on June 14, 2010 at 11:56 am

    There is definitely something very doctor seuseish about him when he is angry. im not sure I like doctor suese very much. intangalbe feelings, feels intangable, feels like finding my g spot hahahahahahaaahaha!



  263.  #263Tina on June 14, 2010 at 11:59 am

    or not finding it i mean. two kids, mom is missing, i feel abandoned ahaha! damn fish!



  264.  #264Tina on June 14, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    a very crazy angry who? how can i respect someone that looks like a crazed angry who?



  265.  #265Tina on June 14, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    call 911, that will fix the crazed angry who!



  266.  #266Simply Shannon on June 14, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    No Lucy. You can’t see them both, because the “inside the building” is ME. It’s my experiences, my thoughts, my feelings, my rose colored glasses. No one can see or feel things exactly like I can see/feel them. That’s what makes me “me”. I feel a little unheard and resistant.

    Hmmm. [note: Lucy, this is not about you. This is just me thinking outloud.] Why do I feel so resistant and angry? Yeah, I feel mad. I feel bad when I say something and it’s rejected or folded in. Why do I bother giving advice? Why do I bother sharing my experience when it’s rejected or downplayed? I don’t want to feel rejected but I don’t want to assume what I say will be rejected. I don’t want to be isolated or alone.

    I love my fear of loneliness.

    I love my rejected feelings and my rejected words.

    I love my courage to say those words in spite of my fear.

    I don’t want to feel afraid.

    I want to feel safe and protected.

    Phew.

    My images…

    Beach.

    Porch swing.

    Spooning.

    Sigh.

    Yep. Safety and comfort. <– That is what I want.

    Gosh, I feel like crying. I have a smile on my face too. Happy tears.

    I don't want to do this advice thingy anymore. It feels bad. Not sure how often I'm going to have to kick that dog before I'm sure it's dead, but I'm going to stop doing what I've been doing.



  267.  #267Simply Shannon on June 14, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Tina: Spill the beans chicka. I feel clueless reading the cryptic “Who-Ville” posts. 🙂 And I feel nosy. I was feeling so hopeful about things between you and Truckman. He was hanging in there and it felt good reading how you were handling yourself.



  268.  #268Wonder Woman on June 14, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    Wow….I haven’t yet managed to read all of these posts but once again I am sitting here seeing myself reflected in the posts I am reading. I have so been resisting the tools expecially the circular dating. I know I have come a long way but this is the one area I am struggling with. I just find the idea of dating guys so scary. I am scared I will fall in love with every guy I meet, I am scared I will become obsessed and he will make me feel sad and I will end up feeling depressed. I am scared I will not enjoy myself….I am scared, scared, scared….!!

    but….I also know I was once scared of diving into a pool, I was scared of getting on a horse, I have been scared of many things but I have overcome them….and I am going to do this. EE man is not stepping up….I have become bored of waiting…..I am becoming bored of all the men who do not show signs of stepping up. I have more important and interesting things to do than worry about someone who cannot be bothered to make any effort for me.

    I spent a few weeks trying to convince myself I was over the man thing and I was better off on my own….but I know that is just a convienient excuse not to circular date.

    So I just agreed to a date with a guy who has been asking me for months and who I have resisted going on a date with for no particular reason other than I am scared and nervous….!! I am dipping my toe in the water. I feel anxious but I am going to do this because I cannot justify how many times I will sit here agreeing with all the posts on this site and resisting to do what I know is the best thing just because I am scared.



  269.  #269Daria on June 14, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Mary – Circular Dating is not for gathering information about who you’re gonna marry… it’s for therapy FOR YOU so you become a more Sireny Siren. Only then will your prince charming be able to see you and get to you.

    What do you think about stopping this analysis, and diving into the feelings…

    for example the ANGER you felt – theres so much there to work with… I don’t think I’ve heard much about feeling anger from you



  270.  #270Simply Shannon on June 14, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Nikita: I wondered what happened to you! Did you go to the convent? Tell me about your man fast? I feel intently curious that you were on a man fast but dating. Did I read that right?



  271.  #271Linda on June 14, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Ankita… assuming what someone or his new girlfriend may or may not think… beating yourself up …. just doesnt fall in the good category, (unless you are sinking down into the feelings and riffing up out of them)….

    When I read what you wrote, (#230) I feel sad. These like things I used to say to myself. I would tear myself down all the time. You might think SHE is thinking or saying these things, but really they are YOUR own feelings surfacing about how you feel inside. That is what I found was true about me. When things did not go as I wanted or whatever, I would tell and say and think terrible things about myself.

    Please give yourself a hug…. I remember someone on here saying, (probably Rori)…. that you can not say or do the wrong thing with the right man.

    Hugs Linda



  272.  #272Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    Ankita,

    That’s some beautiful stuff you wrote!

    After you process the anger, can you let it transform into love?

    I’m 46, and I am a true romantic. I have wanted to be a wife and a mother since I can remember, since childhood. In my teens, I had my life all mapped out. I was going to meet my future husband at age 18, marry by age 21, and then have 4 children in my 20s.

    I thought it would just happen.

    But by the time I reached 25, I realized consciously how emotionally damaged I was from too much yelling and criticism. I realized I had missed a lot of social and emotional development because I had unconsciously isolated myself to avoid the pain of people.

    I have been finding my way ever since, learning how to get along with and love people in a productive, harmonious way.

    Now at age 46, many of my friends are not only mothers, but grandmothers! And I am still me, feeling still 25, and never had a child.

    No one can promise you it will happen this week or this year, but with Rori and her loving tools as our secret weapons, we are well-armed to develop the healthiest, most loving relationships on the planet!

    I hope you focus on developing your personal interests and talents, with or without a man, and learn to be happy and loving, with or without a man! I am speaking to myself, also, because I am still finding out how to do that.



  273.  #273Simply Shannon on June 14, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Wonder Woman: Reading your post just now has me wondering if part of the reason I’m on my Man Fast right now is because I feel nervous about circular dating again. I kind of backed off it when I was seeing Mr. Fab Kisser.

    Ah heck. Who am I kidding. I feel nervous to CD again. There. I said it. 😉



  274.  #274Tina on June 14, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    SS, he said he was “keeping the door open” for me. im not sure waht he means. but yeah he’s keeping the door open for me. I left, there is a charactor in dr suess, he reminds me of. I have to go to do some research, if i see the pic ill know WHO lol it is.



  275.  #275Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    Ankita,

    Here is a poem I wrote when I was 26…

    Go Ahead, Break My Heart

    Step into my heart, see what you find
    I offer all I’ve got, so please be kind
    I open the drawbridge; here is the key
    What you are seeing now is the real me

    I make myself vulnerable; I’m fragile and tender
    Inside I’m a child, and I’m weak at the center
    I’ve stored lots of love up to give it away
    I need to be loved; what more can I say?

    I open up my heart; you hand it back in pieces
    This pain never ends; this heartache never ceases
    I slam shut the drawbridge; snatch back the key
    The trust I offered you again will never be

    I will build a wall and say forget it all

    Inside the wall of me, I am safe and secure
    You cannot reach me here; I am hidden and obscure
    I’m a self-sustaining castle; unreachable by pain
    Loneliness is my only companion; fear is my only gain

    Better to love and lose again, you see
    Than to suffer alone endlessly
    When you give away something as precious as love
    It’s never for nothing in the eyes from above

    The best things in life are free, but they cost a lot
    Things like wisdom and love can’t be bought
    Opposites go in pairs, wisdom and mistakes
    Can’t have one without the other, love and heartaches

    To say love is bliss is to say humans are flawless
    Next time I open up my heart, I’ll still be reckless and lawless
    I will pour out my love with the carefree ardor
    Of a waterfall smashing down on the rocks, like a martyr

    Step into my heart, see what you find
    I offer all I’ve got, so please be kind
    I open the drawbridge; here is the key
    What you are seeing now is the real me

    I make myself vulnerable; I’m fragile and tender
    Inside I’m a child, and I’m weak at the center
    I’ve stored lots of love up to give it away
    I need to be loved; what more can I say?



  276.  #276Tina on June 14, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    He thinks I will “fall in love” the way he is used too, the way of feeling insecure, needy blah, this is what he wants.



  277.  #277Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Linda

    You are 100% right…. they are my own feelings… I felt like a loser the moment I saw her… That moment I felt like, what’s the use of my looks, talent, career, love when he’s with a woman who is not good looking, not talented, just having a casual degree..!!??

    But now I feel ok with it… Am ok with not being with him… the simple picture of my knight in shining armour makes my heart melt… if i truly get what i want, leave alone one ex, i am willing to sacrifice hundred’s of ex’s for my dream prince….

    but just a silly thing, i can understand sinking into feelings, but i don’t understand what’s riffling, clearly? can you plz help, linda?



  278.  #278Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    Brenda

    i can understand sinking into feelings, but i don’t understand what’s riffling, clearly? can you too plz help?



  279.  #279Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    And now for a long story where the plot thickened just this morning (Monday) ….

    On Saturday, I finally decided to respond to TN man’s text from a week or so ago (“Who says you won’t get to be with me? :)”)

    Why did I decide to respond?

    1. I kept remembering that Rori told me awhile ago that I tend to avoid intimacy by NOT RESPONDING to men when I feel uncomfortable and afraid. She said I should NEVER not respond.

    2. I kept feeling in my heart that that’s exactly what I was doing in this situation — being afraid of intimacy. Similar to if I had left 25’s apt the minute I started feeling uncomfortable feelings, instead of allowing them and being curious about them and not avoiding them. Leaving when I feel discomfort has been my MO all my life, and has taken some pretty radical forms.

    3. I was trying to hold on to the illusion of control by leaving HIS text hanging so that I wouldn’t have to be afraid that he would leave MINE hanging.

    So, I pushed through my fear, felt my feelings, purged any agenda from my heart, let go of the outcome and wrote the truth:

    “hey sorry I didn’t respond to your last text. I just didn’t know what to think of it. I feel mystified by you as usual. :)”

    I felt good sending that, and felt no attachment to the outcome — I was just telling him my truth and he could (and would!) do with it whatever HE wanted to.

    He texted back pretty quickly — a sweet endearing remark that referenced our pet names for each other. It was very cute and appealing, the bloody charmer!

    So we went back and forth a bit, and through the convo I learned that he is still seeing interloper and that she does NOT know he and I are texting each other. He also mentioned that he hasn’t said anything to her about me yet –“Still waiting to see where you end up on the whole thing. :)” He clarified then that he was talking about the possibility of a 3some. The bugger is smart enough to not ASK me or pressure me, but just quietly put it out there. Haha, I know your tricks!

    So, I took a deep breath and wrote him this feeling message:

    “It would feel yucky for me to be the outsider when you have a girlfriend. I would feel left out and sad and jealous. No doubt it would feel incredible physically, but I <3 me and I have to be good to me. I feel afraid telling you this cuz I don't want to lose your friendship. It feels fun connecting with you."

    He texted back, "Silly [pet name], I won't reject you. You are free. :)"

    We texted some more after that (with time lapses, carrying into Sunday afternoon), until I said, "Gotta go now – playdate with a 25 year old."

    He wrote, "Have fun!"

    I didn't respond to that cuz I was already on my way. I thought to myself too, I should just let that one hang. I did wonder if he would text later or the next day, "How was your playdate?" which would be typical of him — but I kinda thought, well, he probably won't, now that he has a girlfriend…. I probably won't hear from him again unless I write something back, but I don't think I'll respond…..No point, really….

    Lying in bed awake this morning, reflecting on my date with 25 . . . I was mystified to realize that somehow, wonder of wonders, that full-range-of-emotions date with 25 left me feeling a bit "over" TN man!!! I don't know exactly why . . . but he was losing his appeal moment by moment as I lay there in bed . . . it may have something to do with that "deadend" feeling I felt with 25 — like an awareness that THAT'S how I would really feel if I ever got together with TN man — like all those uncomfortable emotions I felt with 25 were a prophecy or something, like the universe saying, "You don't need to go all the way out there to experience TN man — THIS is what it would feel like!"

    Also, I was thinking about the fact that TN man wasn't being tender and loving about my feelings the way he used to be — not even as a friend — and I was kinda like, um, you're losing your appeal, buddy….You haven't even asked me how I'm doing with all this business of you having a gf out of the blue!

    So yeah, I was feeling, wow, maybe I can let this guy go. Got out of bed, and noticed a new text on my phone. I was stunned to see it was from him — I hadn't even responded to his "Have fun!"

    And this is what that Devil wrote:

    "So are you processing through all this?"

    WHAT???? NOW he suddenly cares about my feelings? NOW he picks up the way he used to do, lovingly helping me "process stuff"????

    Is this GUILT on his part?

    The really weird thing is that this came after I noted in my heart that he no longer was expressing care about my feelings AND that my heart was pulling AWAY from him!

    How did I feel when I read it?

    I felt surprised.
    I felt bewildered.
    I felt caught-off-guard.
    I felt happy!
    I felt loved.
    I felt amused.
    I felt delighted.
    I felt suspicious.
    I felt angry.
    I felt frustrated.
    I felt like I was in that song, "Somebody's knocking, should I let him in? Lord, it's the devil, would you look at him…I heard about him, but I never dreamed, he'd have blue eyes and blue jeans…"

    And I started wondering how I should respond.

    Him: So are you processing through all this?
    Me: All what?

    Or

    Him: So are you processing through all this?
    Me: All what? 0:-)

    Or

    Him: So are you processing through all this?
    Me: Yes of course

    Or

    Him: So are you processing through all this?
    Me: What do you mean?

    Or…..

    And I realized I was totally attaching myself to the outcome! That rat! My mind was trying to pick a response that would draw him back to me. Ugh! Agenda!

    After I had made such progress lying in bed this morning!

    Now there was my foolish little heart running along the railroad tracks trying to find a good spot to lie down where he would be more likely to stop the train and rescue me rather than barrel over me and smash my newly-healing heart to smithereens again.

    Woe is me!

    What is going on here!

    Oh help!



  280.  #280Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Brenda

    yes.. i can transform my anger into love… I feel so loving right now….

    just the simple sight of my prince makes my heart melt,
    i can picture him on his horse, to take me with him,
    with his sword, to protect me
    i can picture his eyes, which show that he will be willing to go to any extent for me….
    i can picture his hands, through which he will claim me…

    i feel so loving… oh my god…..



  281.  #281Wonder Woman on June 14, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    Simply Shannon: I was totally understanding the man fast. I get like that all the time. I am less scared to be on my own than I am to date but I don’t want to be on my own forever. I think sometimes I have no strategy for dealing with the unknown because for me dating is new ground. I am struggling not to focus on one man at a time.



  282.  #282Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    Shannon, I feel confused. Were you talking about me or YOU here? —>

    What I “see” is a woman feeling like crying, and the man being completely clueless of that fact. No wonder the man falls for the woman and is completely addicted. He has no idea she feels bad even when she’s at her most vulnerable (re: sex). He only “sees” this woman who is rocking his world.

    ……………………

    I thought you were talking about ME, so I was trying to tell you that that isn’t the way it was/is for me.

    Are you saying that that’s the way YOU feel in similar situations?

    But I feel unsure about if that’s what you were saying, because you also said something there about “giving advice.” So I feel confused about whether you were trying to give me advice or you were talking about how YOU have experienced those types of sexual encounters with less ability to be truly intimate and open and honest with your partner.



  283.  #283Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    Sirens

    I gotta ask a silly question. I know the answer, but I just want you all peoples take there…

    If a girl knows a guy from 2-3 years, they are friend from 2-3 years, and she messages him everyday, good night ,, good afternoon, or whatever, and acts loving to him, interferes in his private matters, tells him what to do and what not to do when he hasn’t asked her even once, isn’t that “leaning forward”? (it’s not me, fortunately)

    Won’t the guy feel not attracted towards her???

    Won’t he prefer the girl who leans back but welcomes him, and doesn’t interferes in his private matters, lets him have his life?

    (it’s not regarding my ex’s case)



  284.  #284Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Brenda

    Awesome poem…. I love it how you put your emotions and feelings in it… Just by reading your poem, I can feel what was going on in your heart, at that moment…!!

    I am going to store it…!!!



  285.  #285Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Ankita,

    There is a thread that talks about Riffing. I found this, written by Rori:

    “In step one, you listed your “problems.” then we Flipped them into WANTS, then we went into how wanting something feels, then to how HAVING what you Want feels – moving into the sensations in your body.
    And we did it in a free-flowing, stream-of-consciousness way that you’ve coined as “Riffing” (Thank you for that new term!)”

    Here is where I got it, and it’s in Targeting Mr. Right:

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/targeting-mr-right/power-self-esteem/page/5/

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/targeting-mr-right/power-self-esteem/page/7/

    I still need to learn and study and do this myself.

    Here is an example of riffing that I saved from the blog:

    I’m listening to Targeting, and just got to the part of Riffing, so although I didn’t plan to, I guess I’ll join you ladies in your riffing!
    I feel tired with all the work that I have to do.
    I don’t want to do this work anymore.
    I feel afraid that my main client is going to pull the plug and I’ll have to go out and get another big client.
    I don’t think I’ll ever find my guy.
    What if my guy got tired of waiting for me and went off and married someone else?
    I don’t feel good waiting for a guy to call me.
    I feel forgotten.
    I feel like I am more loving than I am loved.
    I’m dreading the next holidays when I show up alone and have to answer questions of why I’m not married yet.
    I’m afraid that my sisters in laws look at me funny and ask my brothers if I’m gay.
    I’m tired of dating. I don’t think I’ll ever have a quiet, simple, romantic life with my guy.
    I don’t think I’ll ever own a home.
    I feel jealous when I watch those tv shows where people buy homes and talk about having to remodel the 5-year old kitchen. Isn’t the kitchen they have enough?
    I’m afraid that if I get pregnant, my body will look really terrible and I’ll get really fat again.
    I don’t like going on Facebook anymore because I’m tired of reading everyone’s good news, when I don’t really have any good news of my own.
    I hide from some of my friends because I don’t want to talk about my love life anymore.
    I don’t like talking to my mom anymore because I think she’s so hurt by what I’ve become (or not become) that it hurts her to talk to me.
    My life would be so much easier if my guy would just come along.
    I’m afraid that my leaning back is showing lack of interest, and that I’m missing out on a lot of fun because I’ve leaned back.
    I’m still hurt that he left, and I don’t know why I’m not over it yet.
    My car is falling apart, and I need to have it fixed, but I don’t want to buy a new one.
    I feel like I’m failing at life, barely getting by. And that I’m too naive to be able to fix it.
    Sunday, 2 May 2010 @ 10:27pm
    438: Siena says:
    I want to be able to stop working and focus on other things in life that are more important.
    I want my guy to show up! I want romance and love and sex and fun and laughter and conversation and hopes and future.
    I want to feel like someone’s #1, without having to earn it.
    I want to spend the holidays with someone that I am in love with and secure with so that I can bring him around my family and we can all relax because it’s no longer uncomfortable that I’m still single.
    I want a beautiful home.
    I want a garden.
    I want a chef’s kitchen where I can prepare amazing meals.
    I want a stable where I can go every morning and ride my horses. I want a groom to take care of my stable.
    I want children and family.
    I want to have a wedding party! I want to be able to register at stores for wedding gifts.
    I want the ‘grown up’ things in life like a home, a real car, a husband.
    I want my mom to feel like I’m okay and that I’m not a failure or somehow she’s failed me because I’m still single.
    I want closure with The Man.
    I want to feel safe and loved, and like I’ve come up to stride in life, and like I am no longer the one left out.
    Sunday, 2 May 2010 @ 10:36pm
    439: Siena says:
    I want to be able to stop working, but I feel scared to not work. I feel obliged to work. What will I do for money? Do I even care? I love my feelings of fear and obligation.
    I want my man to come into my life and finish this stupid dating thing. I feel tightness in my shoulders and a lump in my throat and very very tired. Yawning. I love my apathy.
    I feel desperate and like throwing a temper tantrum. Where are you already!? Where the FUCK have you been! I love my pettiness.
    I feel pissed and silly. Who am I to say when he comes or when he goes? I feel so silly writing this stuff. I’ve tried everything else, who’s to say this is going to work? And I feel pissed that I HAVE to do this stuff! Did any of my girlfriends have to do this just to find the men of their dreams? No! They had it so easy, and it’s just been impossible for me. I love my anger and I love my feelings of silliness.
    I feel defeated and like I’m running out of time. And all the asshole last night could talk about was time and how old we are and how we’re both alone, and I just wanted to hit him. I’m glad I cut him off and stood up to leave. I feel proud of myself that I can say no. I feel afraid that I’m saying no too much. Is there such thing as too much no? I love my confusion and feelings of defeat and feelings of being old.
    Oh the tightness is back in my throat, and now I feel queasy stomach. I think I might be sick. I’m so tired of feeling left out. This shouldn’t be this difficult. I love my fatigue.



  286.  #286Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Ankita,

    There is a thread that talks about Riffing. I found this, written by Rori:

    “In step one, you listed your “problems.” then we Flipped them into WANTS, then we went into how wanting something feels, then to how HAVING what you Want feels – moving into the sensations in your body.
    And we did it in a free-flowing, stream-of-consciousness way that you’ve coined as “Riffing” (Thank you for that new term!)”

    Here is where I got it, and it’s in Targeting Mr. Right:

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/targeting-mr-right/power-self-esteem/page/5/

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/targeting-mr-right/power-self-esteem/page/7/

    I still need to learn and study and do this myself.



  287.  #287Simply Shannon on June 14, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Lucy: It’s a mix of both. 🙂 I was giving advice, but I’m realizing that it was advice for me because I’m seeing all of it from my perspective. I can’t really give you advice because I don’t see your perspective. How’s that for convoluted? LOL!

    I’m trying but whenever I think I’ve got someone else’s perspective, I realize I don’t. This has actually been quite enlightening for me. I feel amused now. I was feeling frustrated, like wanting to shake Lucy and say “can’t you see this?” but it’s not Lucy. It’s me. It’s my vision, not anyone else’s. Hehe.



  288.  #288Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Ankita,

    Thanks for your nice comments about my poem!



  289.  #289Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Ankita,

    BTW, I responded to your question about riffing, but for some reason it’s under moderation.



  290.  #290Daria on June 14, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Lucy – waahooo! what intensity!!

    you shifted your energy away – yay CD – and now he’s pursuing the best way he knows how

    let’s do it! it’s all practice anyway

    i would send a deep feeling message, or nothing



  291.  #291Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    Ankita, RE: #279 – Of course that’s leaning forward.



  292.  #292Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    Daria, the way you responded to my story means SO much to me. It feels really really good to hear those words from you. Thank you! <3



  293.  #293Daria on June 14, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    Ankita – about the message girl. It would seem from the outside that he may not be interested in her.

    However, its not just actions but a huge part of it is the vibe.

    If this girl is doing all this things, and she herself is ONLY interested as FRIENDS, and is dating and being romanced by other men,

    then the guy might still be into her! Because her vibe is not of needy – sure she makes all these actions that make a ROMANTIC feeling woman seem needy… but if she is only interested in friendship, then it’s not “needy” at all… she’s just doing what she does, and treating the guy as a friend



  294.  #294Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    Yeah, about shfting my energy away . . .

    One thing I realized …. well, TN man always told me he’s a really good kisser, and I think *I* am a good kisser, too, but I have really been with some dud kissers during this CD experience — NO ONE has come even close to being a Fab Kisser… and that has made me long to kiss TN man…… because I LOVE good kissing! Like crazy! The guy I was engaged to long ago was a fab kisser, and my ex-h was almost as good…..

    Well, whaddya know, 25 was a Fab Kisser! Yummy! It was awesome. We were a perfect kissing pair.

    So it kinda took the edge off needing to smooch with TN man! Hehe!



  295.  #295Daria on June 14, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    wow I got a new fluff from Mama Gena:

    “”Deliver information to your partner that will make him indispensable to you.” –Mama Gena



  296.  #296Daria on June 14, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    Lucy – I feel excited your doing so fabulously with CDing… and with a guy you don’t even really want to see again! wow! way to get the messages!!



  297.  #297Simply Shannon on June 14, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    Okay now that’s just funny. (she says sarcastically.)

    I feel jealous that Lucy also has a Fab Kisser. I feel pouting, whiny, jealousy. I miss kissing a lot. This Man Fast kind of sucks in that regard as there are no men to kiss.

    And with Mr. Fab Kisser, the kisses were soooo good.

    But not enough. Good kissing is not enough.

    And I’m finding it difficult to train a boy to kiss the way I like.

    AND I’m finding that the way a boy kisses is very telling of how he is in bed. CRAZY that I never noticed that when I was younger. Would have saved me a LOT of time. Hehe!



  298.  #298Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Daria

    But what if she is romantically into the guy? In his case, if she behaves this way, will it brush the guy off naa??



  299.  #299Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    Thanks, Daria! Now to sink into my feelings to respond to TN’s man’s text…. when and if I decide to. I agree with you, though, that if i respond it should be “a deep feeling message.”

    I feel scared!

    That’s GOOD!

    Feeling scared seems to be what I feel when I have an opportunity to be vulnerable.



  300.  #300Simply Shannon on June 14, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    Lucy/Daria: I didn’t even pick up on the fact that Lucy sending her energy to 25 probably created space for TN Man to call.

    Another little oddity today. I get emails from Baggage Reclaim and today’s message was about words and actions not lining up. I believe I just said those words to Lucy earlier in this post. Why am I getting that message? I thought I was doing a pretty good job of admitting my feelings. Feels curious to hear that twice now.



  301.  #301Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    Sorry, Shannon, I did feel a little uncertain stealing the name Fab Kisser from you . . . his name is still 25 though … Fab Kisser was just a good way to illustrate my point. I feel bad now. I wouldn’t want anyone to take MY CD guy’s names. So sorry! <3



  302.  #302Daria on June 14, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    Ankita – most likely in the long run yes… unless the guy is a feminine energy man…

    there’s lots of people who “get together in a relationship” only to break up a little while later because it was both of their emotional neediness that got them together



  303.  #303Ankita on June 14, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Daria

    I get you.. that was what confusing me.. i know if the guy is feminine, a masculine girl can only work, but was little confused about this one…

    I feel a little screwed up… By mistake, i downloaded some self help books for guys… Now, i emailed them to a guy friend of mine who is having hard time getting girls, and he has started to use his tools on me only… Hell, no..! I look at him like a brotherly figure.. Uff..!!

    I can’t deal with him this way..!! 🙁



  304.  #304Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    “And I’m finding it difficult to train a boy to kiss the way I like.”

    That struck me as funny — my son and I had a discussion about kissing a couple months ago — I had told him that one reason I was no longer seeing D was cuz he was such a bad kisser — and my son’s eyes widened, and he said with passion,

    “Is it because he doesn’t stick out his lips enough?!”

    I laughed so hard!

    He’s like, “No, I’m serious! R [his gf] doesn’t stick out her lips enough! I had to tell her, ‘stick out your lips more!'”

    It was so funny!!! He is 20; she is 19. She is the only girl he has ever kissed. lol.



  305.  #305Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    Just got a cute email from a new guy —

    I see that I am too old for you, but I must say, ever since I have seen your picture and read your profile, I have been saying to myself – this girl has the most magnetic smile and devilishly fun look about her; then I re-read your profile and just enjoy it again.

    I just felt like I needed to tell you that.
    See ya,
    Rusty

    ———

    Funny that he used the word “devilish” right after I used “devil” for TN man! hehe.

    He thinks he’s too old for me cuz I put 50 as my upper limit, and he is 52.

    I put 50 cuz some of the guys I was getting were just too old at 54, 55, 58….. (yes, I gave them a chance, but they were really just too old for me).



  306.  #306Nikita on June 14, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    SS,

    I did go …..that facilitated the man fast……I wasn’t dating anyone but I was in touch…..maybe once or twice a month……..we dated before



  307.  #307Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    Linda, I totally identify with what you say about feeling messages. I get a feeling message all prepared & it sounds great to me. Then I run it past the sirens & get there suggestions & I think, “wow. That is so much better.” And I see then that mine was actually all prickly and accusatory.

    I’ll keep practicing & get it eventually.

    Thanks Sirens for all your help.



  308.  #308Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    Just remembered something about the whole thing about not leaving 25 when I felt all those feelings….

    When we were making plans to meet, I had even said to him, “I’ll wear sneakers in case I want to run away.”

    He said, “Aw, don’t run away!”

    I said, “Okay, I’ll wear sandals. That way if I run, you’ll be able to catch me.”



  309.  #309Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    Here is a first attempt at a response to “So are you processing through all this?”

    “I feel amused and pleased that you asked that. I feel deeply grateful for all the healing stuff you introduced me to. I feel like writing a memoir about my experience with you and calling it ‘You Taught Me How to Let You Go.’ I kinda have the hots for Michael Brown now. :)”

    (Michael Brown is one of the spiritual teachers/authors he introduced me to. hehe. I’ll probably leave out the MB part though.)

    What do you think?



  310.  #310Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    Wow brenda! That poem is amazing! Thank you for sharing!



  311.  #311Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Do I just assume that by “all this” he means the fact that he chose another girl over me . . . or do I ask him for clarification?



  312.  #312Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    Lucy, good question. You know what they say about assuming. I might ask for clarification. But you feeling message really sidesteps all of that. I like your message & I especially like the MB comment. But I am really weak on feeling messages.

    So… Basically I guess I’m telling you I’m no help at al! Lol

    Are you coming to CO?! Lol



  313.  #313Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    Sweetpea, you are no help at all! lol. 🙂

    Not sure about CO yet — anything’s possible! Do you live near the Springs?

    That guy is still emailing me and I just respond with cheeky remarks. Fun for now.



  314.  #314Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    Maybe TN man is hoping I am “processing through” the 3some idea and he wants to know if I am getting any closer to being “free” enough to do it!!!

    He actually could mean that. Who knows?? I wish he would have been more clear.



  315.  #315Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    Daria & Simply Shannon,

    I feel intimidated reading these posts on advice giving. I feel like a toddler just learning to walk and I need advice – I need to see people with more experience than me running so I can learn how to run. I feel out of my league like I’m here w/ all you marathon runners being asked to use my running muscles that aren’t developed yet. I want you both to know that I value both your advice and I value your experience. I feel scared that I will frustrate you if you give me advice & I’m not quite capable of taking it all in & using it yet, but I so want & need your wisdom & patience. Please continue sharing your skills. I don’t want to feel like I’m frustrating anyone. Sometimes I just don’t get it. And sometimes I have to try something that maybe isn’t strictly Rori-esque to get comfortable with the tools. Sometimes I fall & smack my head on the coffee table, but I will never learn to run if I’m scared to walk.

    Love you both! Thanks for helping us.



  316.  #316Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    I feel hesitant to say on here where I’m at. What if one of my CDs comes across this & figures out I’m asking questions about them online?! I live where koolv does. I haven’t responded to his last email, but amazingly enough, he’s leaving me alone. Guess you’re distracting him. 🙂 thanks! I suppose I should tell him it’s not happening while you’re still enjoying being cheeky w/ him. I feel thankful to you for helping me out.

    Sorry I’m no help. Everytime I post a feeling message on here, the feedback makes me realize how much practice I really do need.



  317.  #317Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 3:57 pm

    Sweetpea, even though you’re a newbie at feeling messages, I think you’re wonderful!!! I love your spirit.

    Yeah, I know where koolv lives. I’ve always wanting to go there, ever since I was a little girl. 🙂



  318.  #318Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    Thank you Lucy! I feel confident that I will get better at feeling messages with the suggestions I get here & practice.

    You’re not telling me you’ve never been here?! Even though your sister lives so close?



  319.  #319Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    Just never made the trip. My older sister and I don’t get along very well.



  320.  #320Simply Shannon on June 14, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    Lucy, I feel smiley. You can have a Mr. Fab Kisser too! I’m praying for another one myself. Mr. Fab Kisser II or maybe Mr. Fab Kisser and a Bag of Chips (Mr. Chips for short). Haha!

    Sweetpea: I doubt very seriously that I will refrain from advice giving. It’s more about me needing to adjust myself. I’m noticing that when I feel frustrated, I’m wanting to control the outcome. I feel frustrated because the recipient of my Golden Advice isn’t doing what I want. Wah, wah, wah, right? That’s a pretty good signal that I need to step back. Frustration doesn’t feel good, so I just need to ease off a bit and focus on me again. Same thing as using the tools.

    I personally believe that we all take turns being the guru-Siren of the day. As each person says something, it’s like turning on a light for someone else. I like everyone’s style for all sorts of reasons. Some trigger me, some soothe me, some annoy me, some excite me and sometimes that’s all one person.

    I feel good. I don’t know why because my boys were annoying the heck out of me today. Kind of feels like I got all of my frustration out (don’t touch that, sit down, stop yelling, quit hitting your brother – ahhhh!) and can go relax now.

    Wine on my porch swing is where I’m headed now. Yesssss!!



  321.  #321Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    “God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.” ~Author unknown, variation of an excerpt from “The Serenity Prayer” by Reinhold Neibuhr



  322.  #322Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    Good one Lucy! Sorry to hear you & you sister don’t get along well. Once I get my own place here, you can come visit me if you want!

    Shannon, thank you for sharing that. It feels better knowing how you think about these things. Enjoy your wine! Sounds lovely!



  323.  #323Jennifer on June 14, 2010 at 5:42 pm

    I had a good “ME” time. Went to another town to work. My company put me up in a B&B…loved it. Big house full of antiques, run by hippies. Good coffee in the morning.
    Bought myself a garnet ring set in silver. Bought myself some fudge.
    Making plans to go to the Gay Pride parade in Toronto. Good times.
    Waiting for a contract STILL. Maybe I’ll just move. I have to move out of my house anyway. My roommate has lost her mind. I went upstairs to pee one morning and the baby woke up, so she wants me to pee in a bucket.
    I have two guys I’m talking to on Eharmony, we’ve gotten through the matching process and are now into the messaging, so I’m discovering and waiting to be asked out on fantastic dates.
    I have a drought on POF…even with my new fantastic pictures. I put a disclaimer on my profile that YES I have a job and a car and a place to live. I said ROFLMAO after…but I really felt the need to add that…sooooooooo many of the men have stuff about that in thier profiles.
    I had lunch alone today…I chatted with the clerk at the french bistro I chose. ….. i felt good.
    I feel good generally. I bought myself the complete works of Abraham-Hicks on CD for the car.
    I feel more relaxed when I listen to that.



  324.  #324Amy F. on June 14, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    I need quick advice!
    My man Man1 is in town and sent me a text he’s at the hotel. I am leaning back. He has not told me the plan, so I am waiting. I feel sooooooo angry. I have no idea what we are doing for the next three days, where I need to meet him so I am sitting here with my suitcase. What should I do? He is here just to see me I would usually take over and I have not yet but it is so tempting!



  325.  #325Amy F. on June 14, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    Should I text him to ask where should I meet you, or just wait?



  326.  #326Tina on June 14, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    He has show his anger, now what? did i push him there? I was terrified but stayed and things calmed down after. I went to sleep in another room, he drove me home. He says is this a break up or you need time? I said I dont want to talk about it right now.



  327.  #327Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    I feel kinda mad. Here I was JUST starting to feel a bit “over” TN man and losing some attraction for him . .. and then he goes and throws me that bone (“So are you processing through all this?”)

    It’s like yeah, he felt me pulling away a bit and he was like, oh, no, we can’t have that, gotta keep her around, gotta keep her wanting me, oh, what can I do to bring her back? Oh yeah, she loves when I get all spiritual and helpful and care about her feelings, I’ll do that! It won’t take much, just a few words, ah, piece of cake!

    🙁

    I felt better in bed this morning, peeling his fingers off the bottom of my bridge so he could drop into the water and be wooshed away . . . But with one heroic lunge he grabbed back on to the underside of my bridge and looked up at me with a triumphant grin – “Gotcha!”

    Help!

    Help?



  328.  #328Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    Second attempt at a response to “So are you processing through all this?”

    “I feel amused and pleased and kinda mad that you asked that. I feel deeply grateful for all the healing stuff you introduced me to. I feel like writing a memoir about my experience with you and calling it ‘You Taught Me How to Let You Go.’ I kinda have the hots for Michael Brown now.”



  329.  #329Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    Lucy, Since you’re working on feeling messages, and I’m no help (but I do like this last one)….

    I just sent Koolv this message… I just can’t get over this feeling of unease about you. I don’t want to feel uncomfortable. Thanks for your interest but I’m going to have to pass. Good luck in your search.

    Does that sound not prickly? If you have suggestions, please offer them – I can always use them for future reference.

    Daria – I did refer back to the msg you suggested, just modified it to skip the hearing more creepy stuff. What are your thoughts?



  330.  #330Nikita on June 14, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    I feel blegh….



  331.  #331Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    Sweetpea, sounds fine to me.

    Let me know when you get your own place — I’m overdue for an adventure!



  332.  #332Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    Hi Juicy Lucy,

    I just went home in a depressed slump and spent the evening napping. Ugh!

    i think because of the lack of clarity of his question you’d be far safer just shooting back something like, “In what way?” or “I don’t understand what you’re asking?” He will feel validated that you are honestly looking to understand him, rather than just assuming what he’s asking.

    I say this based on how many times Ryan asked me similar questions for clarification. And, I see it as one of his really strong points! I was so accustomed to being cut off in conversation, nevermind being able to get to the end of the sentence. When I talked with Ryan, he studied me, from head to toe, and of course especially my eyes, and then he’d ask, “What do you mean?” etc. I felt soooo delicious to actually have someone seeking to fully understand me!

    Matter of fact, it’s a major reason I miss him…I feel so confident that whatever I say to him will be fully understood, and he knows me now at a far deeper level than any other human being.

    I am reallllllly missing him tonight. Tomorrow marks two weeks since he left me a voicemail and never called back. I called him back same night, only once, and I’m so proud of myself for not overfunctioning this time.



  333.  #333Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 7:45 pm

    Lucy – Sounds like fun to me! It’ll probably be a month or two yet.



  334.  #334Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    Brenda,

    It feels good to read your perspective on the clarification question.

    Yay you!!!… for not over-functioning!!



  335.  #335Simply Shannon on June 14, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    I feel weird and strangely relieved. After seeing some date details on Mr. Masculine’s FB page last week, I decided to unfriend him. I didn’t do it to be sneaky or draw attention to myself. (One of the many excuses my brain was using to keep me in fear and keep him as a friend on FB.)

    That was Friday. He just sent me a message asking me if he had done something to upset me. Here’s my response. (It’s already sent so no turning back now.) I’ll let you know what he says. It is so true that practicing on guys is the BEST way to get through this stuff. I’m finally learning how to say my emotions without blaming him. Read below and tell me what you think.

    – – – – –
    Hey there handsome,

    I noticed some comments on your page that implied you were going on a date this weekend. And the truth is I felt bad and jealous reading them. I don’t want to feel bad when I think about you. It felt better to unfriend you from FB so I won’t read about your dates… unless of course they’re dates with me. In which case, I’d rather hear about them in person. 🙂

    Besides, you know where to reach me if you want to see me.

    What do you think? Shannon



  336.  #336Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 7:49 pm

    Brenda – I read your earlier posts. Sounds like you’re not feeling impressed with Q so far. Hang in there! It gets better!!



  337.  #337Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    Shannon, I feel great about what you wrote! Aww, so honest and vulnerable. I love it. I especially like this – “I don’t want to feel bad when I think about you” – I will have to remember that for my own use!

    I can really relate to how your fear was playing tricks on you about whether or not to unfriend him — sometimes our intentions are GOOD but our mind tries to tell us we’re playing games when we sincerely are NOT!



  338.  #338Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    Shannon, I agree with Lucy. I’m taking notes…



  339.  #339Nikita on June 14, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    Shan!on,

    Cheers to you. I wish I could express myself that way



  340.  #340EarthDancer on June 14, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    Lucy #319

    I feel sad, I feel screaming NO to read your post. Heroic? Bleh … I feel TN Man is toxic & manipulative. I feel afraid he will drag you off your Bridge and you will let him 🙁

    I hope you do not even answer him…

    Rori: “I do not like to see you repeating your old patterns that you came to me to eradicate just because you’re resisting doing the work…”



  341.  #341EarthDancer on June 14, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    Shannon #327

    you’ve got it … brilliant … I feel so impressed I feel WOW, what strength, yet so soft & vulnerable …



  342.  #342Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    That feels bad to read, earthdancer. I feel a knot in my stomach. When I wrote “heroic” I was being mildly sarcastic — AND that whole comment I wrote was implying that I felt he was being manipulative! I feel weird that you missed that — I thought it was obvious — I wrote that I was feeling kinda mad, get it?

    I feel DISGUSTED seeing that Rori quote on your comment to me. I feel extremely outraged that you are implying I am “resisting doing the work” and “repeating old patterns.”

    I feel very PROUD of the work I am doing and HAPPY that I am NOT repeating old patterns.

    “I hope you do not even answer him…” — THAT would be an old pattern for me! Avoiding intimacy, running away from uncomfortable feelings.

    I feel like Hermione Granger just jumped on my bridge.



  343.  #343Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    I don’t want Hermione Granger on my bridge. Maybe the Hermione from the later books, but not the Hermione from the first ones.



  344.  #344Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    Lucy,

    I love that song! I never heard it before! But I love it cuz it fits my toxic Ry Guy soooo well! So here are the lyrics, and I dedicate them to Ryan…

    SOMEBODY’S KNOCKIN’
    (Jerry Gillespie / Ed Penney)
    Terri Gibbs – 1980

    Somebody’s knockin’, should I let him in
    Lord, it’s the Devil, would you look at him
    I’ve heard about him, but I never dreamed
    He’d have blue eyes and blue jeans

    Well, somebody’s talkin’, he’s whisperin’ to me
    Your place or my place, well, which will it be
    I’m gettin’ weaker and he’s comin’ on strong
    But I don’t wanna go wrong

    He must have tapped my telephone line
    He must have known I was spendin’ my time alone
    He says we’ll have one heavenly night
    My fever’s burnin’, so he oughta be right at home

    Somebody’s knockin’, should I let him in
    Lord, it’s the Devil, would you look at him
    I’ve heard about him, but I never dreamed
    He’d have blue eyes and blue jeans

    Uh-huh, he must have tapped my telephone line
    He must have known I was spendin’ my time alone
    He says we’ll have one heavenly night
    My fever’s burnin’, so he oughta be right at home

    (Somebody’d knockin’)
    Somebody’s knockin’
    Somebody’s knockin’
    Uh, Somebody’s knockin’
    Well, somebody’s knockin’
    Somebody’s knockin’……FADE



  345.  #345EarthDancer on June 14, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…Albert Einstein, (attributed)



  346.  #346Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    I just reread my post #319 and I feel utterly bewildered that my meaning was missed so badly!



  347.  #347Simply Shannon on June 14, 2010 at 8:24 pm

    Well that didn’t go as I thought it might. I thought he’d be surprised and intrigued that I felt jealous. It appears I have triggered Mr. Masculine Man back to the whole “exclusivity” conversation we had before.

    He wrote “… You wanna be able to go out with whomever & I don’t question it but at the first sign that I may have (which I didn’t) I get defriended. But again thats OK I remember asking you several times if that day ever did happen how would it feel. Sorry you feel that way, I think I will just throw my hands up & give up. I can’t win for losing. Hope you have a great one. Sorry I just don’t know what to do. I thought after the last time things went great, I guess Not. I was hoping it would be different.”

    Apparently this weekend he was with friends from college (which I believe is BS because it was a woman who wrote the comment and… let’s just say I think he’s full of it and covering his butt). 🙂



  348.  #348Simply Shannon on June 14, 2010 at 8:24 pm

    Here’s what I wrote back.

    I feel amused at my unfounded jealousy. Oops. *blush*

    Regardless, I feel better not reading your page. And truthfully I’d feel too tempted to check your page if I was still your FB friend. Yes, I look at your page. Ahhh… I feel embarrassed.

    I feel weird and a little sad reading this message. Are you mad at me? I didn’t “unfriend” you from my life, just FB.

    Whatcha think? Shannon



  349.  #349Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 8:24 pm

    “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…Albert Einstein, (attributed)”

    If that’s what you are seeing, earthdancer, remember that life is a mirror. I see projection all over this.



  350.  #350Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    Hmmm…. I feel confused. I fail to see how Lucy is repeating old patterns. Someone please explain?



  351.  #351Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 8:28 pm

    Sweetpea, RE: #330 – Q

    That’s all! He just texted me long enuff to ask for my pic. When I said no, our interaction was over! Makes me glad I didn’t! Is that all he wanted?? A woman’s photo on his phone to brag about?? NEXT!!!

    Then there was another dude who responded to my profile last night who wrote an entire letter! You’d think he had found his long lost high school love! I became immediately suspicious, because he sounded TOO amazed.

    I didn’t give him my email, as he requested. Instead, I just emailed him back briefly on the site. No response. Yep, he found the love of his life. Tell me a nuther one. NEXT!!



  352.  #352Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    Shannon,
    I feel impressed that you handled that so well. Seems you got him a little riled up. I don’t know much about your history with Masculine Man. Are you still dating him or is he someone in the past (for now)?



  353.  #353Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    Hermione Granger get the fuck OFF my bridge right now!!!!



  354.  #354Simply Shannon on June 14, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    I’m still on my bridge. Everybody else still on there’s right? (In case you didn’t get the memo, the answer to that question is YES.)

    Lucy, Remember… cute belly, sexy butt, Shrek.

    Everybody has a filter. Everyone. We’re all like a camera taking pictures of life using those “modes” on a camera. When I take a shot of the ocean, mine is set to “shannon-esque” so that I see my pictures in shades of pink. A person taking shots in black and white mode won’t see my shades of pink. So each of us can see the scene but not the exact same things.



  355.  #355Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 8:35 pm

    Oops, I just got sent to moderation. I was telling Hermione Granger to get the f*ck off my bridge.

    I probably shouldn’t be name-calling either. Sorry about that. I’ll just say I am extremely triggered by this.



  356.  #356Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    It’s sexy belly, cute butt, Shrek. 🙂



  357.  #357Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    Lucy!! Watch out, world!! Here cums Juicy Lucy! She’s packin an arsenal of feelings! Clear the path!

    YUM!

    (I just gotta steal your closing, Daria! It is so perfect for me as a compulsive overeater! LOL!)



  358.  #358Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    Brenda – that might actually be helpful – to feel “yum” over other stuff than food… just a thought. As far as Q goes… least he could do is send you a sexy picture. C’mon now. I got tons of those from LVMan and never did return the favor, just sent him some risque shots that hinted at good stuff.

    Step up SDM – you want pics, you first! lol

    Oops, guess that was a directive…



  359.  #359Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 8:48 pm

    I hate being misunderstood. I hate when people hold on to their misunderstandings of me.

    Yes, this is a trigger from childhood … much of my life. . .

    I feel helpless and powerless to get people to understand.

    I feel helpless.

    I feel powerless.

    I feel angry. I feel like smashing something.

    I feel unseen.

    I feel lonely in a corner on a chair by myself while everyone else is playing and having fun and getting approving looks and smiles from mom and J*sus.

    I feel tears in my throat.

    I feel big sad lonely eyes and sad face.

    I remember my mom telling me just last winter, “Dad always understood you. I never did.”

    “Really? Dad understood me? I never knew that!”

    I felt amazed and happy to find that out! I wished I had known that when I was growing up!

    I feel happy that my dad understood me.

    I feel sad. I feel like a sad Siren sitting on the time-out rock at the bottom of the hill, in the shadows.



  360.  #360Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    Aww Lucy… your comment was out of moderation before you even commented on it being in moderation! lol

    You’re no siren on the time out rock – but i like the visual.

    Take the comments, look at them, see if they fit and if not, toss them out – if so, use it to heal yourself. No harm, no foul. The only person who needs to feel good about what you’re doing, is YOU!



  361.  #361Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    Mrs. Todd, my hard-of-hearing piano teacher: What’s that note, Lucy?

    Lucy: That’s a B.

    Mrs. Todd: No, it’s not a D; it’s a B.

    Lucy: That’s what I said – B.

    Mrs. Todd: No, Lucy, it’s a B.



  362.  #362Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 9:00 pm

    Sweetpea, RE: #356 – You said, “Step up SDM – you want pics, you first! lol”

    You little rascal! You had to slip in your new nickname for me, dint ya?! Cupcake with pink frosting!

    But what you don’t know is this nun from the convent has horns holding up her halo!

    So I will not be at all shy telling my Siren Sisters what SDM stands for! LOL!

    Skinny Dipping Mermaid

    …and proud of it! I was telling Cupcake offline that I go skinny dipping in the dark in the summer and turn into a mermaid when I go under water! Love it! One of my favorite things to do!!

    Nudity! YUM!



  363.  #363Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 9:02 pm

    Thanks, Sweetpea.

    “The only person who needs to feel good about what you’re doing, is YOU!”

    I DO feel good about what I’m doing.

    I do have a trigger about feeling really bad when I have been feeling good about the great things I am doing and someone comes along and says I am doing badly.

    That would be my mom and older sister trigger.

    I feel afraid that I will never heal my mom trigger and my older sister trigger. I have worked hard to heal those, but obviously they are still there!



  364.  #364Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    Cupcake, I mean, Sweetpea…P.S. BTW, I don’t send pics right up front for safety reasons. Been dating online off and on for 11 years. Some people do really twisted things with photos. And Q is prolly one of them. He doesn’t ask me for a date at all?? I mean, he saw several photos on my profile. He just proved to me he was just contacting me to get photos. What does that tell you?

    My guess? He probably has a porn site he runs with overweight women.

    I am very playful with men, but only when I feel safe and not exploited. I’ve gone from utter naivete as a country girl to a quite jaded, superb people reader! I told something like that to Kenny, my ex, recently, and he said, “Excuse me…Oh dear God, please protect her!” in a humorous way. LOL! Inotherwords, he prides himself in being a superb people reader and thinks I am still naive. I beg to differ.



  365.  #365Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    Lucy, you will get over your mom and older sister trigger as shown by the posts that triggered your triggers. This is exactly the place to heal your junk like that. Now thank Earthdancer and let it heal.

    Oops… directive again.



  366.  #366Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    Where do you go skinny dipping Brenda?? You can email me privately if you don’t want to have an audience next time you do it! Lol!

    I’ll have to email you the “romance story” I wrote a few months ago — I sent it to Woman’s World but they turned it down. They said it was “nice writing though” — so that felt good. Anyway, it’s not about skinny dipping, but it does have a mermaid theme. 🙂



  367.  #367Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    Brenda – I don’t send pics at all anymore. I used to (not online dating, with guys I had actually been with – only occasionally though) until one of my ex-boyfriends texted me asking if I had sent someone a pic of my boobs. I hadn’t sent any to anyone he knows, so I quit right then!

    Kenny sounds like a gem. I bet he did say “Oh Lord”. Did you tell him if you can’t read people well by now, he’s falling down on the job? lol



  368.  #368Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    re: 365 – well, not pics of anything good. My barometer now, is if I would be embarrassed for my dad or brother to find it on-line, he’s not gettin’ it.



  369.  #369Simply Shannon on June 14, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    LOL! This email exchange is amusing as hell. Normally I would take the defensive position and explain so much with him. He basically wrote that I want my cake and eat it too. I wrote:

    Of course I want to have my cake and eat it too. I would feel very happy to have everything I want. I’m a simple girl after all. 🙂

    And I feel confused too. Confused and surprised really. I didn’t expect to feel jealous. I’m still learning here too.

    I feel tired now. Good night handsome. Shannon



  370.  #370Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 9:14 pm

    Lucy, I thought we were embracing the girl with the curl? I feel sad. I like the girl with the curl!



  371.  #371Simply Shannon on June 14, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    And then he said he “re-evaulated” and “what the heck if you wanted it that way I can too” (about dating others). He feels “disappointed that it’s been a year and we’re in the same spot”. And lastly that the ball is in my court.

    Blah, blah, blah.

    I said:

    That ball in my court looks so sad and lonely just sitting there. It really wants a boy to pick it up and play with it. Sigh. I’d feel happy cheering on that boy and telling him how great he’s playing and how good his butt looks in those shorts…

    My eyes feel so sleepy. My bed is going to feel so good tonight.



  372.  #372Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    Shannon,

    I really like that you keep calling him handsome. What a wonderful way to diffuse a situation (at least partially). Are you still CDing him then, or no? I’m feeling nosy here. Pray do tell…



  373.  #373Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 9:16 pm

    Sweetpea, it would feel good to have help healing this trigger.

    When I reread earthdancer’s post, I hear my mom feeling afraid and not trusting me to take care of myself. That feels bad and sad.

    The Rori quote part feels like my sister acting like I am stupid and a loser and will never get my act together, while she is a healthy, whole, mature godly woman (which is not even true of her, but she pretends it is.)



  374.  #374Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    Shannon, ok. Got it from that last post. That poor ball. I feel sad for it. And the boy not playing with it.



  375.  #375Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 9:18 pm

    Lucy,

    I SO relate to that trigger of being misunderstood and forever treated as the bad little girl when I am doing an excellent job! I feel pain in my heart for both of us. Wow, that’s a biggie. That’s the core of my emotional damage.

    Self-talk: “NOW what did I do wrong? Oh! I am SUCH a horrible, ugly, stupid person!”

    This is the core of the garbage I have worked hard to remove for the past 20-25 years in and out of counseling; journaling; self-counseling; book-reading; talking; CDing; Siren Islanding.

    As recently as yesterday my Mom reprimanded me! I was using my feeling messages with my brother, Sam, while the three of us sat at a restaurant. I was talking with him about the boy who was too girly to even call 911 when his 16 yr old fell off the horse and went unconscious. That led into him defending himself for rudely calling a staff at my Mom’s nursing home a liar to her face. I had given him multiple feeling messages by text previously, with no effect (he’s my hard-headed brother, after all!). I had already given it up and let it go, and he brought the subject up again.

    I said just a few words in response, very mild, letting him know i had already let it go.

    When my Mom and I drove away, I was talking about my two brothers. Mom said, “Brenda, I wish you wouldn’t drive them away by being so oppositional.”

    I asked, “Whaaat?? I feel closer to them than ever the past few months!”

    She said, “Well, that’s good, but if you are always confronting them for something, they aren’t going to like that.”

    “Mom, I used feeling messages on him, what I told you I’ve been practicing from my dating site! It is a powerful tool that brings relationships together, not further away!”

    Mom: “Well, I don’t think you should always be butting heads with them.”

    Me: “MOM! Did you hear me?? I feel unheard! I said I feel closer to them than ever! And I DIRECTLY accredit that to using feeling messages! I am genuinely speaking my feelings in a nonabrasive way! And I feel more respect and understanding from them!”

    Mom: “Well, all right. I’d just really like to see the three of you getting along before I die.”

    Me: Silent and exasperated.

    My Self-Talk: “NOW what did I do wrong?? WTF?? I give up!”



  376.  #376Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 9:19 pm

    Shannon, I love what you are writing to him! Maybe he will eventually “get it.” 🙂



  377.  #377Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 9:19 pm

    Well, Lucy – all things happen for a reason. I haven’t seen Earthdancer on here much, but I’ve never seen her so adamant about something. Maybe God put it in her heart to respond that way because you needed those triggers brought up here so you can get some support in healing them.



  378.  #378Simply Shannon on June 14, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    And his last email (which I’m not replying to) says:

    LOL well one boy tried to pick it up but was told to put it back down because she needed it for other boys to play with so she could cheer them on too. So he took her advice and left it for her to let others play too. Enjoy the comfortable bed.

    What he wrote about the ball is tripping me out! Haha! I mean seriously. Sweet as hell message.

    I feel confused. Remind me again about this whole circular dating thing. I know I can’t date this boy (or any other) exclusively until we are on the road to marriage but it feels confusing to say “why” without explaining.

    Okay, not gonna think anymore. I feel smiley. Funny exchange. Now off to bed for me.

    Beach.
    Porch swing.
    Spooning.

    Yeah! I love having my measuring stick!



  379.  #379Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 9:23 pm

    Sweetpea, RE: #363: You said, “Now thank Earthdancer and let it heal.

    Oops… directive again.”

    LOL! You’re so cute! I love your style! You step into your mother shoes for a moment then correct yourself…but not so far that you actually delete it and rewrite it in a feeling message! I like your style, for real!



  380.  #380Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 9:26 pm

    Yeah, I felt so surprised by her adamancy (is that a word??)!!!



  381.  #381Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    Shannon, I like that man!!!



  382.  #382Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    Sweetpea, RE: #365 – You said, “Kenny sounds like a gem. I bet he did say “Oh Lord”. Did you tell him if you can’t read people well by now, he’s falling down on the job? lol”

    Good one! Xactly! I will be sure to tell him when he calls tomorrow! He truly is the major reason I have become a good people reader, him and the Holy Spirit (The Bible said J*sus didn’t need anyone’s testimony about a man, because He knew a man)!

    Kenny has written me pages and pages on how to protect myself. One of my goals is to turn it all into a book for women. I kept all his letters. Of course Kenny is in agreement with this and would be the author named and the recipient of any income.



  383.  #383Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 9:40 pm

    Shannon, RE: #369 – You said, “That ball in my court looks so sad and lonely just sitting there. It really wants a boy to pick it up and play with it. Sigh. I’d feel happy cheering on that boy and telling him how great he’s playing and how good his butt looks in those shorts…

    My eyes feel so sleepy. My bed is going to feel so good tonight.”

    Your feeling messages are so perfect! I love it!

    I also feel confused. I feel the unfairness your man does. Why CAN’T he CD?



  384.  #384Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 9:46 pm

    Shannon,

    I agree, this boy is a keeper! Please don’t lose him just cuz HE’S playing the field, too! He sounds extremely sweet, responsive, and trying-to-be-understanding!

    So am I (trying to understand)!

    YUM!



  385.  #385Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 9:52 pm

    Thanks Brenda – feeling messages are a lot of work for me right now. If I took the time to put everything I want to say in a feeling message I’d be so far behind it wouldn’t make sense anymore. lol

    If you all would like to give me examples of how I could say it in a feeling message, that would be great!

    The book sounds like a noble undertaking.



  386.  #386Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 9:54 pm

    I feel confused about why we can CD but they can’t. How am I supposed to explain it to them if I don’t know myself? Can someone help us out with this? Rori? Somebody? Please?



  387.  #387Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 9:54 pm

    Woof woof! Sweet little doggie, what are you doing on my bridge? I know your name, and I know who your master is. Is he really your master? He told me that you are feisty! Do you give him a hard time, or do you obey him like a good little doggie? Are you a girl with a curl like I am?

    He sent me a picture of you. You are wearing a bow on top of your head and you look so sweet and innocent.

    What are you doing here now?

    Oh! You’ve come to keep me company on my bridge?

    Woof woof!

    Hey, you’re wagging your tail at the man dangling from my bridge. What’s he up to, little doggie? What’s your master up to?

    He’s trying to pet you, but if he lets go he will fall. He doesn’t want to fall, but he wants to pet you.

    He doesn’t want to fall, but he wants to pet you. Yes.

    If he wants to pet you badly enough, he will climb onto the bridge.

    What should we do?

    Woof woof!

    I can’t stay here with you, girl. I know you love him — I do too. But I have to keep walking on my bridge to happy ever after.

    I don’t know what he will do. He’s such a little boy, isn’t he? I wish I could help him. But I can’t. God can.

    Oh, God is dog spelled backwards!

    Are you really a dog or are you God?

    You love me, don’t you?

    Woof woof!

    You will take care of me, won’t you? I know you will.

    Am I doing okay? Or am I totally f*cked up with all this?

    Oh, you are going to stay with him and take care of him, too!

    Oh, you’ve got him covered, so I can keep walking.

    Thank you, sweet little doggie.

    Thank you God.

    Thank you for leading me and guiding me and protecting me.

    Thank you for believing in me.

    Thank you for smiling at me.

    Thank you for welcoming me to my happy ever after.

    Amen.



  388.  #388Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 9:57 pm

    Sweetpea,

    Sample feeling messages for your “directives”:

    Lucy, now, now…time to make up!
    Lucy, are you going to make nice?
    Lucy, BEHAVE!

    Just kidding!

    Seriously, how about…

    “Lucy, I feel thankful that, even tho it was a painful trigger for you, EarthDancer helped you heal thru that trigger. How do you feel about that?”



  389.  #389Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 10:02 pm

    Lucy,

    That was BEAUTIFUL!! You got me crying here!

    I guess no one else knows who the doggie symbolizes.

    John Tesh on the radio is presently talking about treating people with acceptance like a dog.

    Lucy, did I send you my professional photo with that quote on it about “It isn’t coincedence that ‘Dog’ is ‘God’ spelled backwards…God gave us dogs to show us how to love unconditionally!”?

    I love dogs! That really touched me. The judgmentalism takes the form of a dog, transforming it into unconditional love and acceptance.

    Breathe deep sigh of letting go release!

    YUM!



  390.  #390Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    Yes! That really does help, Brenda. Thanks. I like the first three better though. lol! Not really, it sounded more like you were taking lessons from me. haha



  391.  #391Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 10:04 pm

    Lucy – that was beautiful. Did you realize that part of your deal with TN Man was wanting to take care of him or was that something that just came out?



  392.  #392Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 10:07 pm

    At the risk of sounding like a heel, (those of you who have been keeping up with my posts know what I’m talking about)… I am going out tomorrow with my racial healing therapist. I’m liking him, but still feel really, really scared.



  393.  #393Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    Sweetpea,

    I wish you the best with that. I am proud of you for facing that major trigger. Once I went to a footwashing ceremony with that race, and I was the only caucasion there. I felt like I represented healing between those races, and I wept as I washed their feet, a symbol of being a servant, in case anyone isn’t familiar with the ceremony of footwashing.



  394.  #394Daria on June 14, 2010 at 10:17 pm

    I’m feeling triggered!

    I went on a date with a guy I met Saturday at the bar.

    I had him pick me up by my house, because I felt safe talking with him on the phone (a short while) and when I met him at the club, and texted his number and name to my friend.

    Well I was really hungry and had told him that I was gonna get tacos, but didn’t get a chance to.

    Then he was gonna reschedule for the weekend because of traffic, but decided not to when I said i would feel disappointed. I also said oh i feel bad i don’t want to feel like im pulling on you.

    So he picked me up and I said i was hungry so he asked me what I was gonna eat and i said i want to eat taco truck tacos. Remember this is the cheapest stuff money wise (AND I LOVE THEM).

    So when we were at the taco truck he didn’t look like he was gonna buy them, and i felt awkward. I asked him does he want to buy them for me, and he said no no go ahead. So i bought them for 5 dollars.

    I felt weird and kinda tightened up, but not horribly mad.

    I felt annoyed that I ddin’t have my car, because I feel uncomfortable and weird callig a cab and spending … ok it might only have been 10 dollars but could have been 20… and I feel embarassed to ask my parents to pick me up…

    so he then wanted to go to a marina and i made sure it was one by my house

    I told him that I don’t like (when we got to the marina) that he didn’t pay for my tacos, he said ohhh well he doesnt know me hes just meeting me, and that he woudl if he was getitng some,

    i said i dont want a man thats not generous, he said hes not ungenerous but right now hes but right now he’s just seeing how i am…

    so we talked a bit about materialistic stuff, and i felt a lil upset by the tinge of teh conversation, i said i felt tightened up

    we talked about other stuff… i asked him to give me a lil piece of smoke pot i saw in his car, he said yeah

    we kissed

    i felt pretty relaxed

    but i also felt kinda distant

    right now i just got home, and even tho i was feelin pretty good, i just keep thinking about how he didnt buy me tacos, and i STILL FEEL UPSET

    and i feel UNCOMFORTABLE telling him, I don’t want to look like im stuck on trippin, or him to not like me

    aaah!! trigger!!

    he gave me something, he seemed like he would get me food next time – i told him clearly i dont like to pay for stuff on dats

    and i felt GOOD with him ,he gave me hugs and comforted me

    and now at home I just am thinking HOW EMBARASSING

    and wishing I HAD HAD my car right there – then I would have said right AT the taco truck… oh i feel kinda weird taht a man wouldn’t pay for my food on our date

    and if it turned into feeling bad i could have left in my car

    blah

    i feel weird
    embarassed
    disappointed

    werid

    i liked him more before i met him, but while i was with him i thought i liked him… now that he’s gone im jsut getting more and more pist about not having had my food bought for me on a dATE! the GALL!!! and i feel weird because we had already talked about it! I thought i had stopped feeling upset about it, but i guess not

    woww

    i felt good towards him and now i feel mad! like I dont even care if i talk to him ever again!

    wow



  395.  #395Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    Brenda, thank you. I’m looking forward to it in a way that feels a little sick to me. Just because I know it’s going to be hard, but it will also be very healing. And I’m not really sure yet – I’m hoping that I can work through this fast and it will be easier than I’m fearing. Of course it will be – the fear are my NVs right?
    He actually seems really cool – I suppose the more open I am, the more success I will have.
    I like your story about the footwashing.



  396.  #396Daria on June 14, 2010 at 10:23 pm

    Lucy – clearly (in my mind – why are we there again) “all this” has nothing to do with him but is about the 25 year old make out session



  397.  #397Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    Daria – I feel interested in what you are saying to Lucy. Are you saying that TN Man sensed that she was moving on and that was facilitated by 25, or… that these feelings for Lucy are coming back up because of 25?



  398.  #398Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 10:26 pm

    Thanks, Brenda and Sweetpea.

    Unconditional love and acceptance. Yes. In every way, for everyone.

    Yes, Brenda, you sent me that pic — I love it!

    Hmm, Sweetpea, let me think. He was kinda taking care of ME in a lot of ways . . . but I have always seen through his confident exterior to the insecurity inside — and he has shared a tiny bit of that with me too — I don’t think I ever consciously felt a desire to take care of him — that just came out when I was writing ….. he is like a lost little boy in some ways, putting on a brave front . . . and I guess I want him to be healed and healthy and happy …. And maybe I kinda feel like I would be good for him, because I love and accept him unconditionally . . . but it’s like, what came out in this writing was that I have to leave that to God.

    What’s coming to mind now is that Taylor Swift song….”If you could see that I’m the one who understands you Been here all along so why can’t you see?You belong with me You belong with me” — She’s saying that she is GOOD for him. I guess that’s how I feel. But I have to let God decide what’s good for him and let God bring him whatever he needs.

    It’s weird, though, how I had been trying to take my focus OFF him , and then the comment from earthdancer kinda resulted in me focusing on him MORE. But maybe it was a kind of focus that resulted in further integration and healing for me around the whole thing.

    Thanks, earthdancer, for the trigger. (not said with much enthusiasm)
    Thank you, Sweetpea and Brenda for walking beside me tonight.



  399.  #399Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 10:26 pm

    Oh! Daria’s here! I have to read what she wrote!



  400.  #400Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 10:33 pm

    Daria, I am wondering what you mean too #394.



  401.  #401Daria on June 14, 2010 at 10:34 pm

    I feel resonant to Earthdancer’s comment to Lucy.

    I feel afraid of Lucy’s trigger right now

    When I read that exact same line from Rori’s post “Lucy” flashed to me immediately as well

    I feel surprised to see Earthdancer post that

    I feel afraid to express this, I don’t want to be attacked or accused

    I feel afraid of feleing guilty grrrrrrr

    I feel defensive’

    “not that anyone cares” says defensive voice

    but to me “you taught me how to let you go” in reference to that man feels horribly terribly icky and like throwing myself at his feet

    EFFF it . keep it real Daria. I FEEL SCARED to!

    rarrugh



  402.  #402Daria on June 14, 2010 at 10:34 pm

    crap i feel guilty now seeing lucy just wrote to me

    i feel afraid shes gonna hate me now

    i feel so frustrated dealing with this

    UGGH



  403.  #403Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    About the not paying guy . . . I met Tattoo Man for our first meeting at a coffee shop, and he didn’t pay for my coffee. I felt kinda like you described, but I didn’t say anything to him about it. But it kinda set the stage for me not feeling super attracted to him — even though he was a good-looking, cool guy. It was just, huh? you can’t pay for a girl’s coffee???

    We both decided we felt a “friend vibe” — and then we did stuff as friends a couple times, but what I realized during those ‘friend” activities was that he really is a taker, not a giver. And I felt like maybe that initial not paying for my coffee was basically a snapshot of the kind of guy he really was.

    Just my two cents. Your guy might be a different story.



  404.  #404Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 10:40 pm

    Daria, could you please tell me what you mean in #394?



  405.  #405Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    Daria, I don’t hate you. But I do feel confused and sad, because earlier today you were saying that you thought I was doing really well.



  406.  #406Daria on June 14, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    I meant that when TN man texted you

    “how are you processing all this?”

    the last stuff you guys had recently talked about was you having a makeout session with a 25 year old…



  407.  #407Daria on June 14, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    Lucy I did think you were doing really well. Actually you were doing great… which means you are on the road of doing great… yay

    but the text to TN man I FEEL LIKE ”

    NOOOOOOOOOOO

    ICKKKKKKKK

    PLEASE LUCY NOOOOOOO”

    is that a feeling?



  408.  #408Daria on June 14, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    Lucy – thank you for the tattoo man story. wow. and how you didnt feel attracted because of this! yes! this could be very much why i felt “distant”

    I feel a (big) step closer to feeling more comfortable sharing with him how i’m feeling about this

    SCRIPTING

    I want scripting help

    he’s gonna call me!



  409.  #409Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 10:52 pm

    Daria – Your the air he breathes, remember? That’s been resonating with me all day today. Just thought I’d throw it out there and see if it helps you out.

    My thought is that 1) it’s a respect thing 2) it’s a masculine energy thing and 3) he invited you out, did he not?



  410.  #410Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 10:56 pm

    RE:
    I meant that when TN man texted you

    “how are you processing all this?”

    the last stuff you guys had recently talked about was you having a makeout session with a 25 year old…

    ………..

    No, I didn’t tell him we had a make-out session. My last text to him was BEFORE my date with 25 — I only told TN man that I was going on a date with a 25 year old — I didn’t text him at ALL after the date. He had texted me, “Have fun.”

    Then, the next day, without me texting him at all, he texted, “So are you processing through all this?”

    So I was trying to decide how to respond to that and wondering what he actually meant. He didn’t mean “the make-out session” cuz he didn’t know anything about that.

    I was putting out my ideas for a response on here hoping for feedback on a good response text– (was hoping for GENTLE feedback) — and did not anticipate the whole scenario being torn apart… He texted me, I was gonna text him back….I was looking for feedback on what to text . . . and then all hell broke loose and he was called toxic . . .



  411.  #411Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 10:57 pm

    Let me try that in feeling messages. If it were me, I would feel disrespected. I would feel frustrated and icky because he didn’t value my time. I would feel manipulated that he wouldn’t buy them for me because he’s not sleeping with me? WTF? I would feel angry because he invited me out.

    On the other hand, he didn’t invite you for tacos, so… my question is, Did he pay for the rest of your night out?



  412.  #412Daria on June 14, 2010 at 10:57 pm

    Shannon blah – I feel triggered!! ECKH I FEEL GUILT TRIPPED!

    what a huge trigger for me

    I feel totally turned off

    my defense says: thats ok, one little boy will be brave and strong enough to win over the little boys, and it would feel nice to me if it was you

    hmmm turned into not such a defensive message (execpt for the thats ok)

    how about

    ohhh that feels terrible to read… i feel blamed and i dont’ like it…

    im looking for one little boy to be brave strong and loving enough win over the other lil boys … that’s the one for me… it would feel nice to have him be you



  413.  #413Daria on June 14, 2010 at 10:58 pm

    yes, but the last thing you said is you’re having a date with a 25 year old (scratch make out session)

    then you’re asked are you processing…

    sounds like youre asked about processing your date



  414.  #414Daria on June 14, 2010 at 10:59 pm

    omg lucy he FEELS TOTTALY TOXIC

    no kidding he was called that

    GEEZ!!!! he;s freakin dating another woman, texting you, and talking about 3 somes

    ICK!!!



  415.  #415Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 10:59 pm

    Daria, what happened with this thought that you wrote earlier — “you shifted your energy away – yay CD – and now he’s pursuing the best way he knows how”?



  416.  #416Daria on June 14, 2010 at 11:01 pm

    nothing happened with that – thats what is/was going on…

    now I wouldn’t want the energy to shift BACK to icky



  417.  #417Daria on June 14, 2010 at 11:04 pm

    Sweetpea and other CD’ers confused about why men can’t. Rori has at least one post about it.

    Search for it.

    I will make a quick attempt now.

    BTW the reason is, because WE are looking for marriage… and we want men that are INTO us. and we are going to pick out of the ones that are INTO us for MARRIAGE… when they propose.

    a man who’s inot a bunch of women isn’t using his full energy to WOO Us

    these men are here to WOO us

    not to casually date tralalal

    sure at first, they may be dating other women.. but if its’ still going on after awhile… drop em



  418.  #418Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 11:05 pm

    Well, if dating one person and texting another one is toxic for a man, I say it’s toxic for a woman to be doing that too.

    Maybe that’s how Shannon’s guy feels. GEEZ!!! She’s freakin dating a whole bunch of other men!
    TOXIC!!!



  419.  #419Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 11:07 pm

    I feel anger toward Attracted1. I feel frustrated. I am oxygen. How could he not be interested? That’s what I’ve been thinking all day.

    He’ll be back, I know. I’m just not sure I want him to be now. He was so much fun until we met in person. WTF? I feel sad and disappointed.



  420.  #420Daria on June 14, 2010 at 11:07 pm

    ugh i feel exasperated… you know if everyone went thru and read rori’s posts on this blog which she has for free, then we wouldn’t have to answer questions over and over that have been adressed in rori’s posts

    I know I THE COOLEST PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD

    would spend hours and hours reading every single post

    why can’t others!!

    why thank you voice that feels scary to post

    ok

    while searching i found this cool rori quote

    “There IS no game. Not anymore. There’s only you, what you want and need and deserve, and the men who “get that” and want to be with you.

    There is no more time, energy and love left for any man who does not want you.

    The days of settling for less love are over.”



  421.  #421Daria on June 14, 2010 at 11:08 pm

    Yah maybe she should fight for him and buy a ring and get on one knee and propose to him after wooing him and bringing him pretty flowers



  422.  #422Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 11:12 pm

    Uh, no. He wasn’t asking me if I was processing the date! It feels silly to me that someone would think that. And it shines a huge beam of light on a truth that should have been obvious to me from the start: You — Daria, and Earthdancer– DO NOT KNOW THIS GUY AT ALL!!!! And you freakin think you do!!!

    That you would even think he was talking about the date shows that you don’t get him at all.



  423.  #423Daria on June 14, 2010 at 11:16 pm

    i woud just assume he’s asking me that because thats the last thing we talked about, and cuz i would have damn near forgotten about his lil 3 some suggestion

    and i would feel more attentive to the recent experience i had

    i feel REALLY WEIRD to be asked how the EFF am i processing that you have a girlfriend

    ARE YOU OUT YOUR MIND?>??

    I WOULD SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU LIL BOY?

    GET THE FUCK LOST

    HOW AM I PROCESSING YOU HUMILIATING ME??

    PLEASE???

    OHHH i dont want to know him because I woud baseball bat him and his car for messing with you lucy



  424.  #424Daria on June 14, 2010 at 11:16 pm

    oops i landed in moderation



  425.  #425Daria on June 14, 2010 at 11:16 pm

    woud just assume he’s asking me that because thats the last thing we talked about, and cuz i would have damn near forgotten about his lil 3 some suggestion

    and i would feel more attentive to the recent experience i had

    i feel REALLY WEIRD to be asked how the EFF am i processing that you have a girlfriend

    ARE YOU OUT YOUR MIND?>??

    I WOULD SLAP THE @#$# OUT OF YOU LIL BOY?

    GET THE FUCK LOST

    HOW AM I PROCESSING YOU HUMILIATING ME??

    PLEASE???

    OHHH i dont want to know him because I woud baseball bat him and his car for messing with you lucy



  426.  #426Daria on June 14, 2010 at 11:17 pm

    woud just assume he’s asking me that because thats the last thing we talked about, and cuz i would have damn near forgotten about his lil 3 some suggestion

    and i would feel more attentive to the recent experience i had

    i feel REALLY WEIRD to be asked how the EFF am i processing that you have a girlfriend

    ARE YOU OUT YOUR MIND?>??

    I WOULD SLAP THE @#$# OUT OF YOU LIL BOY?

    GET THE F&&& LOST

    HOW AM I PROCESSING YOU HUMILIATING ME??

    PLEASE???

    OHHH i dont want to know him because I woud baseball bat him and his car for messing with you lucy



  427.  #427Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    Daria, ya know what?

    Your posts are FULL of you doing non-Rori behaviors!

    I read them and see that, and just kinda smile a little cuz I trust that in time you will see it for yourself and I don’t need to point it out to you — you are doing the best you can, baby steps — and I am not going to judge or criticize you or feel frustrated or exasperated with your process — because I trust the process and I know that we all have blind spots and don’t see — whoa Daria! — what we’re doing that is totally leaning forward, etc. So many non-Rori things I see you doing that I do not do, and I feel surprised when I read about them, like, Daria? Don’t you see what you did there?

    So I’m getting really ticked off that the pot keeps calling the kettle black because the pot can’t see its own color.



  428.  #428Jeannette on June 14, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    Is it okay to tell men that you date that your ultimate goal is to be married? When is the right time to tell them that? And how, so you don’t scare them away?



  429.  #429Daria on June 14, 2010 at 11:26 pm

    Lucy – I dont give a %%% because I’m momentarily letting go of control and im letting loose my inner drama queen right now

    Jeannette – yes, i tell them right away, usually in the first phone call, it doesn’t scare them away, unless I have a heavy ivbe about it, which I did at first, but now I tweaked and healed out of it



  430.  #430Daria on June 14, 2010 at 11:29 pm

    Sweetpea – I’m looking for that post where Rori adressed why its good FOR US for us to circular date… but not for a man we’re dating to do so, i’m going chronological but i can’t seem to find it… grr…

    anywone remember that post?

    Shannon?



  431.  #431Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 11:30 pm

    Daria,

    I have beenn on this blog since the end of March, and I have spent HOURS every day on this blog. The rest of my life is in shambles because of all my emotional fucked-upedness. I can’t handle life because I’m too damn lonely to be home long enuff to handle filing taxes, much less opening envelopes when I bring home the mail the documents are in. I could go on and on about my boxes of unopened bills, etc. and all I need to follow up on.

    But I melt into Siren Island because it’s really good for me and I NEED you guys right now.

    I feel judged and criticized that I don’t spend 24 hours a day on Siren Island. I feel angry and exasperated, similar to how I do with my Mom, like the example I gave earlier.

    “No matter what I do, it’s NOT GOOD ENUFF! NOW what did I do wrong?? I’m such a horrible person!” my triggering self-talk is screaming.

    My anger is wanting, no begging, me to slip out some sarcasm here. But I know sarcasm is the ugly cousin of angrrrrrr.

    I love Siren Island. I am reading and writing as fast as i can, and as it is, I MUST slow down before my back taxes start being garnished, etc., etc.

    You have been on here much longer than me. It stands to reason you have read and understood a lot more on here than me.

    It’s possible that I am coming from a place of far more social retardation than you. Maybe I had to spend the last year listening to Rori and Christian 3 or 4 times each on their CD seminars to get it thru my socially underpriveleged head how to function in a basic dating relationship.

    How do you feel about all that? I still love you.



  432.  #432Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 11:32 pm

    Daria,

    I have been on this blog since the end of March, and I have spent HOURS every day on this blog. The rest of my life is in shambles because of all my emotional f*cked-upedness. I can’t handle life because I’m too d*mn lonely to be home long enuff to handle filing taxes, much less opening envelopes when I bring home the mail the documents are in. I could go on and on about my boxes of unopened bills, etc. and all I need to follow up on.

    But I melt into Siren Island because it’s really good for me and I NEED you guys right now.

    I feel judged and criticized that I don’t spend 24 hours a day on Siren Island. I feel angry and exasperated, similar to how I do with my Mom, like the example I gave earlier.

    “No matter what I do, it’s NOT GOOD ENUFF! NOW what did I do wrong?? I’m such a horrible person!” my triggering self-talk is screaming.

    My anger is wanting, no begging, me to slip out some sarcasm here. But I know sarcasm is the ugly cousin of angrrrrrr.

    I love Siren Island. I am reading and writing as fast as i can, and as it is, I MUST slow down before my back taxes start being garnished, etc., etc.

    You have been on here much longer than me. It stands to reason you have read and understood a lot more on here than me.

    It’s possible that I am coming from a place of far more social retardation than you. Maybe I had to spend the last year listening to Rori and Christian 3 or 4 times each on their CD seminars to get it thru my socially underpriveleged head how to function in a basic dating relationship.

    How do you feel about all that? I still love you.



  433.  #433Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 11:32 pm

    “woud just assume he’s asking me that because thats the last thing we talked about, and cuz i would have damn near forgotten about his lil 3 some suggestion and i would feel more attentive to the recent experience i had”

    Well, when you actually have a RELATIONSHIP with a person (yes, a relationship — the actual meaning of the word — there are other kinds of relationships besides “romantic”) — you have ONGOING stuff in your relationship, you don’t just forget everything that was said and done before the very last thing that was said and done. It all builds on top of each other in a relationship. It’s not just a linear conversation. Relationships are multi-faceted and have depth. It’s not just, oh, I said this today, then you said that next and then I said this and then you said that and we have forgotten everything we said and did yesterday. Maybe if you’re a squirrel or a bird or something, but it doesn’t work that way with human relationships.



  434.  #434Daria on June 14, 2010 at 11:37 pm

    Hey everyone – I’m experimenting with a VERY HONEST UNCENSORED TYPE OF PROCESSING RIGHT NOW!

    I am not particualrly interested in debating mental stuff right now

    PLEASE DEAL WITH YOUR OWN TRIGGERS , and I MIGHT GET TRIGGERED BY YOU STILL AND COMMENT

    OH WELLL

    oh the first line of this was meant to say that the purpose of this is not to HURT you

    I AM BEING A VOLCANO!1

    OKIE DOKIE

    YAHOOO



  435.  #435mary on June 14, 2010 at 11:40 pm

    hey, Jeannette.

    i think so! i have Rori’s tapes and yes, i listened to them, but they’re lost at the moment, so i don’t really know. i’m just assuming.

    it’s just fine to tell them that. lots of guys tell me that they’re looking for their one and only…



  436.  #436mary on June 14, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    i went on a coffee date and got some hot chocolate, and the guy had to keep pulling change out of his pocket to pay for it. i was looking all around, and he said, “you’re not from around here, are you?”

    and i said, “oh! why do you ask?”

    and he said, “because the women from around here pay for themselves.”

    and it’s true.

    and they call men, too.

    and men like it when they call, and they expect me to call them!

    i don’t feel comfortable doing that because of years and years of programming not to. charm school way back when!



  437.  #437Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 11:44 pm

    Sweetpea, just got this from koolv — “you look like a little angel when you sleep. :-* “



  438.  #438Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 11:46 pm

    Mary –
    Are you in Michigan?



  439.  #439Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 11:46 pm

    BTW, Lucy, if you dare to share, how did you finally decide to address his question?

    Daria, I have learned there are many levels of relationships and many different values among people. Some people find a threesome very exciting and adventurous. I’m not saying I do. But I have adventured with my sexuality in the past, going to sex clubs and such, complete with all-nude, 15-person hot tubs and multiple bedrooms off to the side of the bar. Couples would swap and/or have one night stands. In other rooms, they would gang bang or a group of men watch a woman pleaure herself on a $2000 sex machine! Another room was darkened for a morals-be-gone orgy! i saw a man going down on a woman, who was stretched overtop of the bar wearing nothing but garter belts, hose, and high heels!

    I had my adventure, and now I’ve returned to my roots, cleansed by God, and I have committed to never having sex again until I am married.

    But if a threesome is enticing to Lucy, who are we to judge her? Are we perfect? Who are we to judge TN Man? Maybe his values allow for threesomes and playing the field in dating!

    The more I think about Rori’s methods, the more excited I feel to share them with everyone, MEN INCLUDED! I know Rori discourages this, so I don’t except for rare exceptions. But I wouldn’t have a problem with it at all if I were dating a man and he was dating other women. I would feel jealous a lil and want him to myself, but heck, he is using the same tools we are to get women to step up! Fine by me!



  440.  #440Daria on June 14, 2010 at 11:46 pm

    Mary – I think you posted this before! hehe

    yes

    I feel more powerful about addressing this with the guy

    heyyy ive been feeling kidna weird

    what why whatsup ma?

    well i feel uncomfortable talking about it

    just tell me what it is ma?

    well i had a really nice time and i like you… and I feel weird because the truth is im not over it that I had to pay for my tacos… i feel unsure about that now… thats’ just not something i feel comfortable with on dates , paying for stuff… and i dont want to go out and have to do that ever again

    what do you think?

    more processing – i feel really uncomfortable talking about this, because on one hand i feel judged as being materialistic or whatever…

    and i dont feel good being thought of that way

    and i still dont want to pay for stuff on a date.

    i feel like thats not good enough treatment for me

    what do you think ?



  441.  #441Daria on June 14, 2010 at 11:47 pm

    Brenda – you dont get it. still searching for taht post but about to give up



  442.  #442Sweetpea on June 14, 2010 at 11:47 pm

    Lucy – Do you have a pic up of you sleeping? I feel confused.

    I haven’t gotten anything from him, so cool. My feeling message must have worked. I feel relieved.



  443.  #443mary on June 14, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    i feel embarrassed about my comments last night about the guys i’ve been dating. as if i was bragging.

    but you know what?

    anyone can have lots of dates.

    i proved it to myself in January when i was ready to go out, but was going home to care for my Mom for three or four weeks, so it didn’t make sense to get started in a new relationship.

    i just put an ad on Craigslist that said, “brisk walk and hot chocolate?” in the subject, and “could be fun.” in the main section. i didn’t ask for a picture and i refused to send a picture.

    and i got sixteen or seventeen hits, and i scheduled eight dates, right in a row. no one even asked for my picture.

    and that was amazing. and i totally forgot about R, and the fact that we just broke up.

    and i met some pretty cool guys. and a few not so cool ones, too. what a great kick-off for my adventure.



  444.  #444Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 11:51 pm

    Brenda, I didn’t respond to him yet. I had been hoping to have a little loving help on here about wording my feeling message, but… yeah.

    Right now I feel like flying away and hiding in pixie hollow.

    I suppose I’d better ask him what he was referring to, because it’s now obvious that it is NOT obvious.



  445.  #445Brenda on June 14, 2010 at 11:52 pm

    Cum to think of it, when Ryan kept hurting me, I finally saw the light about the power of circular dating and told Ryan in October of last year that I was no longer exclusive with him and i was going to keep dating other men until I had a ring on my finger.

    His response was to try to make me jealous. Next time I saw him, he told me he had gone to a Halloween party at a bar with a woman friend. I said, “Ah, a hot date, huh?” He said, “No, just a friend.” He had never done that in the TEN MONTHS we had been seeing each other exclusively.

    In the same conversation, he made a point to tell me he overheard a couple of cute teenage girls comment on him as he walked out of a bookstore, “Wow! A perfect 10!” He was clearly trying to make me jealous. Again, he never normally talked like this before I gave him the no boyfriend speech. I responded, “Ryan, that’s awesome! You are SUCH a handsome man! I’m glad you over heard that! You needed to hear that!”

    When we CD, we take back our feminine power. A man FEELS that power shift! He tries to grab back the power by dating multiple women himself! I think that may be what TN Man is doing, at least a lil, and I feel almost sure that’s what Shannon’s man is doing.

    How do you feel about all that?



  446.  #446mary on June 14, 2010 at 11:53 pm

    sweet pea, i live in canada!

    daria,

    i usually react exactly like Lucy reacted to Tatoo Man in 401.

    i just let it go if i have to pay. you know? not worth it. but – and i posted this before, too –

    when a guy pays for me, i feel like he’s saying, “she’s with ME. and i protect HER. and i’ll spend money to do anything she needs me to do!”

    when he asks me to pay on the first date, (and usually they quote something about women’s libbers), it’s just a really big turn-off.

    and i log that into my lil calculating brain.



  447.  #447Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 11:54 pm

    Brenda, you get it.



  448.  #448Daria on June 14, 2010 at 11:54 pm

    I FEEL SO FRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTRAAAAAAAAAATEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD



  449.  #449mary on June 14, 2010 at 11:54 pm

    and yes, i know.

    i need to get more into my feelings. i’m working on it. really and truly.

    i feel excited about it!



  450.  #450Daria on June 14, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    I

    DONT

    WANT

    YOU

    TO THINK

    THAT ITS OK

    TO ACCEPT

    BAD FEELING

    TREATMENT

    FROM A MAN.

    UNTIL YOU GET THIS>

    YOU DONT GET IT!

    ALL OF YOU

    DARIA INCLUDED

    URRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH



  451.  #451mary on June 14, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    hmmmm… daria.

    why?



  452.  #452Lucy on June 14, 2010 at 11:56 pm

    Nah, sweetpea, no pic of me sleeping, so it was a lil creepy lol!! It was like he was saying he was watching me sleep! I emailed back, “I feel kinda scared.”



  453.  #453mary on June 14, 2010 at 11:57 pm

    daria,

    when a man treats me badly, i have a choice. i can talk about it (try to teach him) or let it go (be nice and decide never to see him again).

    it’s simply a personal preference.



  454.  #454mary on June 15, 2010 at 12:00 am

    i’m not really a teacher.

    unless i really like a guy, and he does everything wonderfully except for one thing, and we get to talking about that one thing,

    -in that case-

    sure.

    i’ll give him my two cents.

    other than that, i don’t feel i owe it to him to have a discussion about it. he didn’t pay? hmmmm… he has no manners. do i like that? no. i’ll take that into consideration if he ever asks to see me again.



  455.  #455Sweetpea on June 15, 2010 at 12:00 am

    Lucy – Now I feel creeped out again. I was hoping you weren’t going to tell me that. Ick!!



  456.  #456Lucy on June 15, 2010 at 12:00 am

    Brenda, all over the internet, dating coaches for men teach the guys to do exactly that — date lots of women at the same time, flirt with lots of women, keep up their own degree of difficulty, etc.



  457.  #457Daria on June 15, 2010 at 12:00 am

    “Passive-Aggressive means you are FEELING ANGRY, but you choose to be reasonable, or pleasant, or nice, or teacher-like, as though you are lecturing.

    It means, at bottom, that you’re focused on someone ELSE’S behavior – on what they’ve done and your opinion and even feeling ABOUT it, how it’s landing with you…all that. It is essentially not an expression – it’s a DEFENSE. It’s a kind of revenge. It’s a way to let off some steam without really touching what the anger is all about – while still staying in some zone where you feel okay about yourself (nice, pleasant, good, smart…)

    And the ultimate effect is that it does damage to YOU. It gets you riled up. It accentuates your disappointment, and it makes you feel scuzzy because you KNOW you’re just talking about another person – and here – without even KNOWING the other person, really – and that you’re not even telling the truth about YOURSELF!”

    so what the hell is this anger about!!!!

    is it about me feeling POWERLESS AND UNHEARD>???

    is it about these thoughts of prison guards and nazi guards and bars and guards that be beez uin my thouhts

    what am i doing??? what Ma i doing???

    oh yeah

    im living life

    im living life right now

    and im a live life tiilll its over

    but its far from overrrr

    ufffffffffff

    I FEEL SO DISAPPOINTED!!!

    I FEEL FRUSTRATED!!!

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    I DONT WANT TO SEE PEOPLE TREATING THEMSELVES POORLY

    I DONT WANT TO SURROUND MYSELF WITH WOMEN TREATING THEMSELVES POORLY

    I FEEL ANGRY!!!!

    I FEEL ANGRY!!!!!!!!!

    I FEEL ANGRYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I OK WHAT IS IT ABOU TMEEEEEE

    ???

    I DONT WANT TO TREAT MYSELF POORLY?

    ok so then what

    ok

    blah gross

    it feels gross to read some posts so then what

    i dont want to not read

    mmmmm

    ok
    not reading certain posts

    for 5 minutes



  458.  #458mary on June 15, 2010 at 12:05 am

    i mean,

    it seems like i should just go out there and EXPECT to be treated well.

    if i’m not, i might raise an eyebrow. i might smile a little smile. i might look at the floor.

    if i’m yelled at or treated abusively, there are taxis. i have friends. and mad money.

    but that never happens.

    most guys treat me really well.

    i don’t insist on being treated any whicha way. i feel almost like that insistence is energy wasted. better spend that energy elsewhere, putting myself out there so other guys can treat me better.

    i was born with a very even temperament. i don’t get upset very often. so that’s just my particular personality. it’s not the way it is for everyone.



  459.  #459Jeannette on June 15, 2010 at 12:06 am

    Wow, my long distance broke up with me 6 months ago and still sends me stuff via e-mail, sometimes just forward stuff and he adds, how’s your family…….stuff like that. I want to hear from him but I don’t…so confusing…..I know you guys told me to tell him to stop sending me stuff but I havn’t. Would that make him draw closer or just say, “okay, whatever” and not send me anything ever again. I guess it doesn’t matter, we are broke up….I just don’t respond to anything he sends.



  460.  #460Daria on June 15, 2010 at 12:07 am

    Mary – I did talk to him about it actually.

    BUt i don’t feel satisfied. He says he would pay if he was also getitn food, and the he would pay in dating eventually but he was just seeing how i am first now…

    I “understand” this and am familiar with this mentality from my “being a guy” years…

    but i don’t want to make excuses because i am familiar with it!

    and i dont feel all the way satisified

    and i feel guilty because that talk was right after the taco’s at the beginning of the date, and we still had a nice date after, AND NOW it’s resurfacing for me,

    and i don’t feel comfortable ENOUGH WITH HIM to feel safe expressing my feeling icky that HIS behavior wasn’t good enuf for me

    blah

    the scripting i did was good

    more scripting?

    i wish he’d call now

    hehe
    so i could tell him already



  461.  #461Sweetpea on June 15, 2010 at 12:08 am

    Daria – At the risk of triggering you more, the first thing that came to mind when you said you don’t want to see people treating themselves poorly – you don’t want to treat yourself poorly – was marketing. Could it be that you are selling yourself short by not doing the marketing? That in resisting it you are self-sabotaging?

    I’m feeling curious about why you’re feeling so worked up the last couple of days about us not working the tools just so. I sense that there is something bigger bothering you.



  462.  #462Lucy on June 15, 2010 at 12:09 am

    I
    DONT
    WANT
    YOU
    TO THINK
    THAT ITS OK
    TO ACCEPT
    BAD FEELING
    TREATMENT
    FROM A MAN.

    There is a reality that isn’t talked about on here at all. And it is this:

    Intimacy by definition involves sometimes feeling BAD about how the other person is treating you. WORKING THROUGH THAT = INTIMACY

    WORKING THROUGH THAT does NOT mean you are ACCEPTING “bad feeling treatment.”

    “Bad feeling treatment” may actually be GOOD for you! Like surgery feels bad but is good for you.

    It is a CRUCIAL part of intimacy.



  463.  #463Brenda on June 15, 2010 at 12:09 am

    Daria,

    I feel condescended to.

    You have shared many, many truths on here with me, and I deeply appreciate all that you have patiently taught me. I appreciate how strongly you believe in Rori and her wonderful work.

    I agree that we shouldn’t accept bad-feeling treatment from men.

    But perhaps each goddess may decide for herself WHAT xactly constitutes bad treatment. Maybe Juicy Lucy is INTO experimenting with threesomes! Maybe she’s never done that before! Maybe this is part of her self-discovery, flying out of her box, expanding her comfort zone, feeling free.

    TN Man and she were acquainted a couple years ago. So when he suggested a threesome, he wasn’t being a perv or a womanizer. He was approaching a woman who he knew quite well, who he had an idea was open to the idea of sexual wildsideness!

    As for paying, again, I feel it is up to each goddess to decide what feels right for HER. If it feels yucky and low class to you for him not to pay, I respect that. If it were me, I’d see it as an exception cuz it was not like dude took me to a restaurant as part of the date. It was YOUR idea, cuz your were hungry. It wasn’t a chivalrous moment, in my view. But again, I respect your view, cuz that’s you.

    Ryan is on disability, and he has very little money. My values say even tho I wish he were rich and a home owner and all, I love him for who he is inside. It is more important to me that he be available, timewise, for long, long dates, as in, not a workaholic who is too busy to lavish me with attention. It is more important to me that he has intelligence, sensitivite listening skills, and a beautiful heart than money. So I paid almost everywhere we went.

    I have dated men in prison off and on for 21 years, and they were flat broke and I mailed them money just to survive, turning down a multi-millionaire in the process.

    Granted, I am coming from a place of low self-esteem and all, but even tho I see things more clearly now, I still feel the same way, and i still send Kenny money, and I would still pay if Ryan would ever get around to calling me again! 🙂

    I love you, Daria! How do you feel about all I said?



  464.  #464mary on June 15, 2010 at 12:09 am

    i get angry.

    and i express it.

    i say, “i feel really mad about that.”

    “i feel disappointed.”

    when Island Man told me he’d been spending his time at the sauna, while i was waiting for him, i said,

    “well, i can’t say that i’m not disappointed.”

    i wondered later why i didn’t just say,

    “I feel disappointed.”

    i think that would have been better, but it would have shamed him.