How To Stop Making Rules For Yourself

031- 250

031- 250I’m not big on “letting go.”

It’s just one more way to beat yourself up: “I can’t let go.”

Let’s stop making all these rules for ourselves.

Instead: I have to be kind to myself.

We’re always, all of us, trying to find a way to beat ourselves up.And when we beat ourselves up, we automatically beat up a man who loves us! Because – why would anybody love us when we’re a mess?

And we all think we’re messes.

Believe me, we all have experiences that we wish hadn’t happened. We all gave ourselves to men and then ended up humiliated.

We all hurt.

We all have had experiences, some worse than others.

Some actual physical abuse, where the experience becomes so a part of and inside of our bodies that we’re instinctively, subconsciously always looking for more abuse.

It’s really a complicated thing that’s based out of our old experience.

What’s happened to you in the past is sort of guiding you.

Which is one of the Six Things Getting In The Way Of Your Happiness (more on this in later posts):

Thinking Your History Is Your Destiny.

That what you’ve done in the past is what’s going to happen again and again.

The man who hurt you before is going to hurt you again.

This is just a story we’re telling ourselves and once again, to get back to the beginning theme, the story we’re telling ourselves is because we’re afraid. We’re so afraid.

Intimacy is scary.

None of us want to be intimate because we think we’re going to merge with the other person and at the same time we want to merge with the other person. Men have these same feelings.

“Oh my God. I’m going to merge with her like I merge with my mother and I don’t want to be mothered.”

Of course, then, the moment we act like a mother, we’re making it worse.

We have somehow to allow ourselves to have enough space inside ourselves, enough lack of urgency, enough lack of willingness to have alchemy happen inside us to give a man 100% freedom.

The Sand Squeeze Tool:

Go ahead and hold out your hands. Imagine that you’re scooping a handful of sand out of the beach.

If you were to squeeze that really tight, what happens? The sand just runs out between your fingers.

If you squeeze it, you open your hands, there’s nothing there.

What if you just let it sit in the palm of your hand? It just stays there!

…and that’s what you want to do with a man. You want to hold him in the palm of your hand. You don’t want to squeeze.

Holding a man in the palm of your hand.

Just go ahead and imagine doing it right now.

It’s scary, yes.

It’s like, “Oh my… I’ve got to do something. He’s just sitting there…”

Love, Rori

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48 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on April 28, 2016 at 6:26 am

    Interesting tool. I apply it to other areas of life



  2.  #2Indigo on April 28, 2016 at 8:22 am

    I really love this.

    It’s become my philosophy for my current relationship. Just hold him in the palm of my hand.



  3.  #3Daria on April 28, 2016 at 3:09 pm

    He’s still just sitting there lol

    afraid to close my hand… mentally walking around with astiff open hand lol



  4.  #4Tee on April 28, 2016 at 3:42 pm

    Easier said than done. I still have some inner work to do



  5.  #5LoveToMe on April 28, 2016 at 8:19 pm

    I like this idea : we don’t have to let go



  6.  #6Liquid Light on April 28, 2016 at 9:56 pm

    Wow, be careful what you ask for! I just got back from a date with one of the most masculine hunk of man I’ve met in a long time! Tall, very muscular, huge biceps, very handsome. He looks just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. 100% MAN!!! LOL. Just about the opposite of K. Too funny! OMG!!!!



  7.  #7Liquid Light on April 28, 2016 at 9:59 pm

    He just asked me out again! 🙂



  8.  #8Azure Blu on April 29, 2016 at 5:27 am

    Liquid Light 6&7
    Mmmmm…. he sounds dreamy!!! 2nd date!! :-))
    lots of women don’t like big biceps…
    I REALLY like them… I had one bf like that… He really turned me on! Yummie..

    Sorry you had to let go of K… It sounded like you gave it enough time to see if it was going to work for you…

    Soo glad to hear you have another CD right away!

    Mr. Right is around the corner!
    Yay Liquid Light!!



  9.  #9Liquid Light on April 29, 2016 at 10:26 am

    Thanks Azure!! 🙂



  10.  #10Grace on April 29, 2016 at 5:31 pm

    Liquid Light, sounds so exciting! Squee! Can’t wait to hear more!



  11.  #11Lilybelly on April 29, 2016 at 5:32 pm

    Hello Ladies,

    Starla and FW, thank you for thinking of me. I will write more when I can.

    Send love, hugs and strength, please.



  12.  #12Grace on April 29, 2016 at 5:48 pm

    “It’s like, “Oh my… I’ve got to do something. He’s just sitting there…”

    This was sort of me the other night with Mirror. OMG. He was, literally, just sitting there and not even looking at me. I got up to go dance, and I don’t think he even looked up or watched me dance at ALL. He didn’t even lean toward me. He seemed incredibly self-absorbed. It felt so odd. I didn’t think to ask about it, simply notice and then have some fun with my inner attention wh0re and be playful with her out dancing in front of the stage. I did manage to lose myself in dancing and forget about him, and an old friend I hadn’t seen in a couple of years suddenly SWOOPED in, grabbed me, held me close, and we danced for a song. He was smiling at me NONSTOP, so happy to see me 🙂 I forgot to go back and talk to him later but I feel certain I will see him again soon.

    At any rate, I kind of got this weird “loser” vibe with Mirror. I felt reminded of my ex, T, and how dependent I felt on his attention, and how I would fawn on him and run back to him if I seemed to lose it. I felt like this was a great opportunity to shift that behavior and vibe and stay on my horse and not worry about what he was doing or not doing.

    He did want to hold my hand and be close on the way back to the car, so IDK what that was all about but I do appreciate that it made me feel like leaning back instead of leaning forward to CLOSE THE GAP I felt.

    There were some other things he said that I felt icked out about, including his utter seeming disinterest in any of my hopes and dreams that I was talking about. SO much like my ex, single word responses…”Cool.” “Ok.” So I thought, this must be what this is about…unresolved stuff with T and learning to let Mirror be who he is and to drop the oars and not take any of it personally.



  13.  #13Grace on April 29, 2016 at 5:50 pm

    Lilybelly – sent. Big hugs to you, sweet siren.



  14.  #14Lilybelly on April 29, 2016 at 6:44 pm

    Let me start this by saying this may turn out to be quite long and I apologize in advance for this but do need a safe place to let everything out at. It’s either this or check myself in for some self care.

    And two, I am not really looking for advice or you should do…or anything like that. Constructive comments and perhaps understanding and support would feel wonderful to me, though.

    I came here five-six years ago?? after a particularly difficult situation that took me some time to wrap my head around. I did that here, with the support of many Sirens, some who are no longer here on this blog, but are still friends IRL. And some, who are still here lending their support and new ones, who I don’t recognize but look forward to getting to know,

    After I started healing, I set out to CD and manage more than one. They came, they went and I did really well with staying on my horse and not rowing and my favorite…”if he isn’t in front of you, he doesn’t exist. And of course, sprinkling glitter on myself, thanks to Jilly. I met T and it was really wonderful and he was really what I asked for and wanted in a man. Except, he wasn’t ready. That was difficult for me and I worked through that here as well. But I got back on my horse and shortly after T and I stopped seeing one another, I met J.

    I wasn’t even sure I wanted to see him but I was again, practicing and opening up to men that I thought weren’t my type. Turns out he was my type and we had a fun and wonderful courtship and made so many memories. 2 years and 4 months later, we married.

    I was ecstatic. We planned a small end of June wedding in my parents back yard and had invited our closest family and friends to join us. It was a beautiful plan and things were going well.

    April of that year, things seemed off. J was anxious and I remembered what April meant to him as it pertained to his ptsd so I chalked it up to that. May came and he was still off, going to group therapy on odd nights and just little things like that. It began to bother me a bit more so I did what no Siren is supposed to do and I looked at his email while he was out.

    There I found many, many emails between his ex wife and him, where he told her about a girl he was seeing named N and was about to marry me. This went back an forth with her telling him he needed to do the right thing and tell me. There were many other hurtful things to read in all of those that I still can’t believe but nothing really hateful towards me.

    I of course told him that I read them and wanted to know what was going on. He gave me some excuse about trying to get back at her and see if she was reaching out to me…and that all of what he had written was a lie. He was incredibly sincere. And because I loved him and we were three weeks from the wedding, I believed there was no N.

    We got married and things just didn’t seem right. I was uncomfortable enough that if I had the marriage license in my hand, I would not have mailed it in. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. In August I saw a text come in to his phone with N’s name on it. In November, I received a FB message from her telling me my husband was still texting her. (We had a huge blow up when I saw her text come through) I got home and confronted and N had sent me pictures of the two of them and some of his texts. She did not know he was married. Poor thing. I spoke with her many times and under different circumstances, we would have been fast friends.

    Turns out he was seeing N from March until just until right after we married. The last time they saw one another was in August that year.

    That is all for now…

    This was exhausting and felt very scary to write. I think it is going to get worse.



  15.  #15Lilybelly on April 29, 2016 at 6:56 pm

    Let me first say, that I had much help from Dominique along the way , on many levels.

    I’m wondering now about the early days, after we started making plans to marry, if that was when the gaslighting started.m I think it was and is what caused me to stay. He would say that it wasn’t true and seriously be upset when we discussed these things. But he really wasn’t. He simply took my choices away from me by not telling me the truth about N. When confronted. I would have had a choice to marry or not. He took it away from me. The gaslighting and rug sweeping continued but we also had many, many, many fun times.
    So again, I thought maybe I was imaging things, after all, he always had a plausible explanation for everything.

    Now I’m really tired.



  16.  #16Femininewoman on April 29, 2016 at 10:20 pm

    Lillybellyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Scream!!!! Jumps up claps hands!!!

    Yayyy. So happy to see your name.



  17.  #17Lilybelly on April 30, 2016 at 4:39 am

    (((((FW))))))
    Lol!! I loved seeing this from you this morning. Big smile crossed my face.

    I’ve missed you.



  18.  #18Lilybelly on April 30, 2016 at 12:31 pm

    Where is everyone today?



  19.  #19Millie on April 30, 2016 at 1:15 pm

    Hi Lilybelly! So nice to see you again…I’m sorry for what you are going through. Big hugs xo



  20.  #20Millie on April 30, 2016 at 1:45 pm

    Hi ladies,

    Not much going on in the world of Millie. I went on another CD 1st meeting from online this week. He had gotten tickets to see this really amazing band I like and planned the meeting about two weeks in advance. I was late because of work, so we had to rush in and after wards I thought we would grab a drink, but he said he wanted to walk me to my car. It was a quick ending and I just wrote it off to he didn’t feel attracted to me. The next day, he texted and asked to see me again! Saying he was shy and didn’t want to keep me out too late. I was surprised and he sounded genuine and thoughtful, so I said I would gladly see him again. Our schedules will be tough though…

    I have another meeting tomorrow with a guy who so far has been great! When we first were messaging on the dating site, I didn’t feel very interested. He kept “interviewing me” as Pat Allen says, which is a good thing!!! He finally asked for my number and I was hesitant, I told him I felt concerned about the distance we live apart. He came back and said that “he was more than a little interested” and to not worry about the distance because he’s willing to make it work! I was like…wow….ok…this guy is serious. So I gave him my number and he has been very sweet, not asking me about anything sexual, which is refreshing! I don’t feel like I have to have my barriers up. I’m excited to meet him tomorrow. If anything, I can see us being good friends since we are both in the arts.

    I had a rough week at work and am feeling a lot of pressure from my boss. There is a part of me that really doesn’t have the drive anymore…I wonder if it is my masculine energy shifting and my feminine ruling me more. I definitely feel a shift in my personality. I feel more passive, which my friends are saying “isn’t like me,” but at the same time, I am feeling very detached from my job, especially when I feel criticized and scrutinized. I think the “tape” I play to myself is that “I’m not good enough.” I think a lot of my issue in life comes down to that thought…that has been there since I failed at my goals coming out of high school. I wasn’t good enough to “make it” in the career I initially wanted. It’s a fact. I have to step it up though…and I know I can. They know I can too.

    I’ve been under the weather, so taking this weekend to regenerate and refocus on my goals. T is out of town, I was supposed to go too, but my job didn’t allow. I hate feeling like my life is defined by my job, but I guess it is. It does dictate a lot. Maybe thats what the universe wants me to be right now, focused on my job.



  21.  #21LoveToMe on April 30, 2016 at 2:02 pm

    I appreciate this post, because I am just feeling sick of all these “rules.” There are enough rules out there that people want us to follow. It doesn’t really make it better when we start making rules for ourselves.

    Rules like: in order to love myself, I need to get rid of all this baggage. And I want to call bullsh*t on that rule right now. If we put even one condition on “loving ourselves,” then it’s not really love. It would’ve the same conditional non-love we’ve been used to. And then what would happen if we did “get rid of” or “let go of” that baggage? We would find that is something else we need to do in order to ” earn” our own love.

    So I’m right here, ladies, to tell you what I’ve just realized, and I am testing out practicing on myself: there are no conditions to my own self-love. I do not need to “do” anything in particular to “earn” it. I do not need to have a certain behavior or act a certain way. If I have baggage, I love myself WITH the baggage. If I have stuff I need to “let go of,” then I don’t need to let go of it so that I can then have access to my own self-love. More like, I get to choose to live myself first, because loving myself means that I get to choose to let go of whatever it is, knowing that that letting go is the best thing for me. I love myself so that I CAN let go.

    The only reason I am “holding on” because I feel a lack of love in the first place!! Some time, long ago, someone didn’t love me, and I decided I didn’t have permission to love myself either. So all these things – letting go, being/doing xyz – it’s been all about control. Control supplanting love. Because I don’t feel I “deserve” love.

    And I don’t. None of us does. And none of us needs to “deserve” we are here because we are lovable JUST as we are.

    So stop trying to love yourself. You already do love yourself.

    Notice this fact first. And then see how much you relax…



  22.  #22Zara on April 30, 2016 at 4:00 pm

    http://evolvingwisdom.com/artoflove/event/
    For those who missed it, the Rori Raye interview is on this link, available for 24 hours.
    Scroll down the page to day 4, “keynote # 8”.

    xxx



  23.  #23Lilybelly on April 30, 2016 at 8:05 pm

    …and the gaslighting, lying and cheating continued…to present day. Don’t get me crony, there were good periods of time where things were really good. Where we were as connected as two people can be and our friends were envious of what we shared. Litlle did I know it was fake.
    There was another woman. There is always another woman with these kinds of men. And that is the story I presented here back in January.

    Since then, it has been more of the same…but with fake effort in the form of marriage counseling.. (His suggestion) and him lying and cheating all along.

    I am done. But I have lots of questions and much to heal that will likely come out here.

    I don’t know one person in my life that has been through this degree of hurt and pain..so my closest people are not able to help with advice. I don’t think this is something anyone can advise on.. It is unbelievable and extremely embarrassing and humiliating to me.

    How could a smart woman be sucked in to this to the degree that I have been? Did he target me? How was I so easy?

    And the big one. What did I do to deserve this?



  24.  #24Indigo on May 1, 2016 at 1:57 am

    ((((Lilybelly))))

    I don’t have anything else to say other than sending you love and hoping you take good care of yourself.



  25.  #25Azure Blu on May 1, 2016 at 12:04 pm

    Lillybell
    I wasn’t familiar with the term “gaslighting” so I googled it… A psychological term.
    A very scary situation…
    I remember watching the movie where the term came from “Gas Light” with Ingrid Bergman who played the victim… about a married couple in the 1870’s.
    “The psychological term gaslighting, which describes a form of psychological abuse in which the victim is gradually manipulated into doubting his or her own sanity, originated from the play and its two film adaptations.”

    So scary to watch the movie.. Bergman was manipulated, by her husband, into thinking she was going crazy… until Joseph Cotton showed up and pointed out she actually was seeing the gas lights flickering off and on…. she did get him arrested (for he had killed someone)

    huggs lovely Siren…
    I have found for me it feels really good to love my embarrasment…
    to love the disappointment I feel for choosing this man…
    Times like these I deserve a LARGE dose of compassion for ME!!!
    oxoxo

    35 years ago I married a man who made awful choices and involved me and my children and 30 years later we are still paying a HUGE financial and emotional price for his mistakes…
    I work everyday on forgiving myself for me choosing this man…

    I know your situation isn’t as bad… time heals



  26.  #26Dominique on May 1, 2016 at 1:55 pm

    LoveToMe – 21 – I love that you’ve come to this realization. And you’ve put a big smile on my face and warmed my heart. I wrote about this a few years ago. You might be interested.

    http://sexandheart.com/do-you-have-to-love-yourself-to-find-your-man/

    Love to you. 🙂

    xxoo



  27.  #27April Rose on May 1, 2016 at 3:35 pm

    (((Lilybelly)))

    My heart and hugs go out to you. I cannot possibly imagine what it feels like to live through what has happened to you.

    I do know that you did nothing to ‘deserve’ it.
    This man sounds sooo clever.

    The only parallel I have come into contact with is my friend who was an eco-campaigner. She fell in love and got engaged to a man, and lived with him for two years before he vanished without trace. She searched for years until she discovered he had been an undercover police investigator who was investigating HER and her campaign group.
    What strikes me is that although he was living a lie, he had a lot of feeling for her. They seemed great together.
    He was like a method actor, living in a fantasy world.
    And if he had any notion of how cruel his behaviour was, then it didn’t seem to touch his conscience.

    I am genuinely baffled by the actions of such people. The only way I can make sense of it is if I consider them to have something missing mentally (as well as being great actors).

    Struggling to make sense of why it happened to you is probably asking for more torture. I don’t think you’ll ever find a satisfactory explanation.
    It is probably a bit soon yet, but Matthew and Orna Walters talk about finding the ‘golden nugget’ in any experience – the thing that you learn from that empowers you to move forward again.

    More hugs to you, sweet lady. You have such a delicate and graceful feminine poise, which comes across in your posts. Something soft and sireny that will protect you from becoming bitter or closing down. It’s a precious quality.
    (((Lilybelly)))



  28.  #28Liquid Light on May 1, 2016 at 6:16 pm

    I second everything Azure wrote. Hang in there, LillyBelly, you will make it through this and come out stronger and better!

    ((((((((((((((((Lillybelly))))))))))))))))))))



  29.  #29T-Girl on May 1, 2016 at 9:00 pm

    Omg Lillybelly. I have been thinking of you often wondering how you were doing. I am so sorry this has happened and wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big hug.



  30.  #30IamHis on May 1, 2016 at 11:22 pm

    ((((((((Lillybelly))))))))



  31.  #31IamHis on May 1, 2016 at 11:32 pm

    After I was sexually assaulted by “the nicest guy in the world,” it was so hard to trust myself again. He was so masculine and so seemingly gentle and WAS so good to me in so many ways and it is really hard to let go of those good feelings and good memories.

    But the whole relationship overall felt bad. Horrible, even. I justified his disgusting behavior because he WAS so good to me at first, and I was soooooo sexually attracted to him; a simple touch could send me through the roof.

    And everybody loved him; the women were jealous of me, and the men hated him too…RED FLAG…other good men are happy when other good men get the girl…this guy wasn’t good!!!



  32.  #32IamHis on May 1, 2016 at 11:34 pm

    I highly recommend reading “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” by Leslie Vernick. And I will keep you in my prayers for your healing and that you’ll be able to trust yourself again!!!



  33.  #33IamHis on May 1, 2016 at 11:41 pm

    I actually read “The Emotionally Destructive Relationship” which was excellent, but since you were married to this man, the former title might have more of an impact…



  34.  #34Lilybelly on May 2, 2016 at 3:25 am

    Thank you, Ladies.

    So much.

    And, I will check out that book, IamHis.

    Trusting myself again is surely going to be a challenge. I need to play nice right now while I get everything rolling…I am expecting a return call from an attorney today but already talked to one who will represent me.



  35.  #35Starla on May 2, 2016 at 10:37 am

    Lilybelly!
    Yay! I have been thinking about you sooooo much. Thank you for coming back to us!!! 🙂



  36.  #36Starla on May 2, 2016 at 10:39 am

    April Rose, 27. I heard about that particular story through my own activist circles! I have had my own 1st or 2nd degree experiences with infiltrators back in my more politically active days. It’s so unsettling for many reasons.



  37.  #37Azure Blu on May 2, 2016 at 11:05 am

    April Rose,
    Ohhh… my… this story about your eco-campainger friend sounds awful! and familiar….

    Although I too have had similar… but not so drastic encounters in my more activist days.. I felt like such a conspiracist when I had thought that was what he was doing…
    fortuneately it only lasted a few months… and he disappeared! He was getting NO information from me… so he left…

    I like finding the “golden nugget” (baby steps)
    and NOT letting the past define me…
    Even after many years… the Past rises up out of the ashes and wants to consume ME
    shame me
    Whisper sweetly in my ear
    “Darling Azure… you know… you DONT deserve happiness…”
    “YOU have made sooo many mistakes”
    I;m giving my little girl LOTS of hugs and
    Cookies and milk…



  38.  #38LoveToMe on May 2, 2016 at 3:28 pm

    Dominique – thanks for noticing! I have, but it feels odd and almost blasphemous in light of all the information that’s out there, and so many people who encourage us to “love ourselves,” but then try to get us to go through steps to “get there,” or sell us on a program to “learn” it, when there is no there there. No steps will help us. And the ones who are honest (perhaps yourself and Rori included) know that we already know.

    It’s still not exactly straightforward if you’ve spent your whole life absorbing the idea that you are not lovable and then convincing yourself that it’s true. But maybe that’s why it feels so “blasphemous” – because of my NVs who still want me to believe something else…



  39.  #39Dominique on May 2, 2016 at 6:16 pm

    You’re awesome LoveToMe. <3 xxoo



  40.  #40Lilybelly on May 2, 2016 at 7:03 pm

    Hugs to all.

    I am well and have a consult with an attorney Wednesday morning?

    How do you reconcile your feelings of wanting revenge against those who have hurt you? I am feeling edgy and cross after the confession I received finally this morning.
    I have not been quiet and let our families know the truth and that he needs help. That was a huge step for me and the point was to let them know he is spiraling out of control and I can no longer help him.

    Live isn’t enough, if it was, the whole world would be healed.



  41.  #41Lilybelly on May 2, 2016 at 7:04 pm

    * love* isn’t enough…



  42.  #42Dixie on May 2, 2016 at 7:10 pm

    Ahhhhh…… sirens!

    Sometimes I can’t believe how much stronger my heart muscles have become since coming to this space!

    In short, parts of this weekend felt difficult but oh, leaning back, making sure I was taking care of me, being loving and supportive to myself, definitely works. It’s not always easy, that’s for sure, but I am so grateful for that took!

    LovetoMe: I am so glad for your realization that we don’t need to be perfect to be worthy of love! I used to struggle with that belief, that I wasn’t ready, that I needed to work on me first, but….nope. We are already perfect and lovable in our imperfections, sad when I choose to “work” on me, its because I want to have a more satisfying and rewarding relationship with myself, my soul 🙂

    Lillybelly…. I am so sorry you are going through this pain. I was gaslighted too. He met her 4 years before we married, and it continued. The level of anxiety and suspicion was unbearable and those years when we were married and he was seeing her (secretly) were the most painful years of my life. I am SO glad to hear that you are taking the steps to look after YOU. I know how scary this whole process can be, almost like the floor has disappeared beneath your feet but darling Siren, we are here for you.

    My wish for you is that through this next stage, that you never feel alone or isolated. We are here!



  43.  #43Dixie on May 2, 2016 at 7:10 pm

    “Tool”, not “took”!



  44.  #44Dixie on May 2, 2016 at 7:19 pm

    Oh Lilybelly, I just read your post 40:

    a) revenge sounds SO great but ends up feeling toxic inside.
    I had so many “call him out” scenarios in my head because I felt so utterly played and humiliated, but it would have cost me my sanity and made me bitter inside.

    B) I wish I just cared less about “his” issues (trying to help him figure out why he acted that way) and, really, just turned the focus, 1000% on my self care. He was a great guy in so many other respects that I couldn’t understand WHY the lying and cheating and awful deception. . Now I know that whatever his issues were, were never for me to figure out. i tried to “save” or “rescue” him from his feelings of guilt, but if I did it today…. Nope.

    You look after yourself dear Siren.



  45.  #45Azure Blu on May 3, 2016 at 4:42 am

    Grace #12
    I’m wondering if the withdrawing that Mirror was doing when you all were out dancing had NOTHING to do with you (as you mentioned) and everything to do with him being married… and being VERY worried about someone seeing you together!
    and then of course when you were in private, he could hold your hand and be more attentive.

    It feels sooo good to read that YOU are staying on YOUR horse and learning and practicing with Mirror as you date other men also!!

    How is your new house feeling? How is your job?
    ooxoxo



  46.  #46Azure Blu on May 3, 2016 at 5:12 am

    Lillybell #40
    To me it sounds soooo brave
    So important to hear
    that you are taking solid steps to end this crazyness
    by talking to a Lawyer and starting to get away from a man who does this…
    as you so wisely said…”he is spiraling out of control and I can no longer (NEVER) help him.”

    When I finally was able to untangle myself from a very cruel man (dated off and on for 2 years) whom I thought was the love of my life,
    2.5 years ago… after he disappeared for 8 weeks…
    my revenge was being able to write him a letter, after he called me and wanted to start dating again.
    I told him “he had killed all the feelings I had ever had for him and NEVER to call, write, email, text or come around my house again!”
    It felt sooo good to have the last word…. and mean it… down to the bottom of my feet!

    Yay!!! I know you can get there too!

    huggs to you as you start this journey back to YOUR beautiful, sparkley, sunshiny heart!!!



  47.  #47LoveToMe on May 3, 2016 at 9:15 pm

    Lilly, I’ve been reading your posts, too. What an incredibly intense situation. It sounds like you are handling it in the most sireniest of ways, even if it may not feel like it – even if you feel like you “missed the signs” when they were there. We all do that. I’ve done that. Very recently, in fact. I was saved by the fact that the guy decided to reject me out if hand over over just one small conversation. But it could have been anything. He was out the door, no matter what. I realize now that that’s who he is, even if I deluded myself otherwise. But that was because he WANTED me to believe he was different.

    Maybe the same with your guy. Your man sold you s version of yourself that maybe he wanted to believe. Maybe, in some way, he was betting on you buying into this version of himself and hoping it would mean that you would make it true by believing it. Sadly for him – and you – that doesn’t work. But that doesn’t mean it’s your fault. It doesn’t mean it’s a failure. You win, because you still are you YOU are.

    (((Lillybelly)))

    I remember you from before. I was either Tiffany or Tereana on the blog if you saw me then. I’ve been in and out over the years, but I do remember you. I might have even been around when you announced you were getting married. I’m sorry you’ve gone through all this and it turned out this way. I’m thinking of you…



  48.  #48Jessie1001 on May 7, 2016 at 8:18 pm

    hi everyone its a reunion night
    Sorry to hear about our troubles LillyBELLY
    Big hugs
    I think the one thing I learned now after following rori raye for a while is not that I will never find a guy that disappoints me…however, if i am involved, I know how to get out and get out fast without alot of rumination or without alot of guilt…
    I was dating a guy just recently who was alll over me wants kids, wants to move in, was saying all the right stuff…however he had a bad temper, very little patience with me for mistakes and was awful with kids…mostly walked out if my kids werent perfect and told me I had no control over anything in my life….ugh…so within 2 months I ended it even though part of the old me was try to see if he might change…try to talk to him….try to change myself so he was happy….yucky old PRE-RORI RAYE jessy…lol

    So hope that your able to keep your head clear and remember, that is his way of relating to other people and his loss…he lives lying every day and living a double life and without real intimacy with his partner which is a coping skill….and a yucky one…and NOT your fault…dont let things get you down hun, you just keep on doing things that make you feel good

    Hope your next year goes super welll and you can move on or heal nicely with rori’s advice