How To Stop Trying To Control Him – Debra Darlen

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THE ANSWER: From Debra Darlen, one of the brilliant coaches on Siren Island…

(Debra is talking directly to one of the Siren Island members, answering not only her general question about how to “manage” her boyfriend, but specifically addressing her mindset, how she’s going about getting what she wants, and helping her find her way “in” to the Modern Siren Tools so she can practice them non-stop in the easiest way:

Debra Darlen Begins: …So…the “result” the Tools are “meant” to bring about is a sense of peace and calm when we’re feeling overwhelmed with emotions…

Note From Rori: And to feel that peace and calm when he’s right in front of us, no matter what he says or does, and no matter HOW high-stakes the conversation seems.

And even more important: To feel peaceful and calm feeling anxious and worried!

The idea is not to “change” what you’re feeling!

The idea is to Fall In Love with what you’re feeling, which then results in an expansion of your radiant energy field, an unlocking of your physical and emotional tension, and a “shift” in your VIBE that any man can feel, deeply, in any moment.

From Debra: It is NOT to try to get him to DO anything!

From Rori: Yes!

Now It’s All Debra:

Remember, Rori says that we must say NO to any: Criticism, complaining, controlling.

That is: NOT trying to control the outcome and learning to take ‘NO’ for an answer when we ask for something.

This is very important.

As soon as we begin thinking that we’re using the Tools as some type of strategy or technique to get him to …”Call, Text, or DO anything that we want him to do” – we get off track.

When we get ourselves wrapped up believing that “only if we ‘do it right’ or ‘say it right’ or ‘feel it right'” that HE will suddenly DO what we want him to or expect him to  – we are off track.

We are again in our masculine and slipping into a place that does not help us to be deeply in touch with our real and true feminine nature.

The Tools work to keep us in our feminine – in touch with our feminine – which does the real magic.

So, the ‘result’ we are looking for – is in being able to sweetly and calmly ride the ‘SEA’ of emotions that can come up when he doesn’t DO what we want him to when we want him to do it, and we feel bad about it.

For when we are in our feminine – completely and totally, all the time – you’ll see that he WILL very quickly become more attracted to you- and he will begin to behave differently and more attentively.

Actually, you will begin to see a shift from ALL men – and women too….

As we soften on the outside, and strengthen our core – our insides- then we naturally attract men from everywhere.

As Rori says – you will have all sorts of men falling “in love” with you This doesn’t mean that the man will do exactly what we want, right when we want.

In fact, we must stop that type of thinking and actually ‘BE SURPRISED’.

See, when we’re expecting him to either “say yes” or do something in particular – it’s hard to be surprised at what he does say or do.

If he doesn’t call or text when he said he would – then we can ‘wonder what happened’- however, getting all wrapped into ‘thinking and analyzing’ what we believe did happen or he ‘might be’ doing instead – never helps us! In fact, it is also ‘masculine’ in nature.

When we respond by ‘feeling’ the sea of emotions and tending to ourselves – getting to where we can actually enjoy and play in our feminine regardless of what he says or does- where we get strong enough inside that we don’t ‘react’ or ‘act’ on any of the nasty voices in ways we later ‘regret’ – everything changes.

Then, we are able to say what ‘needs’ to be said with softness, warmth and genuine feeling.

The Tools can and should be used with everyone in our life.

Then, they become a way of habit and it is not so ‘difficult’ to ‘stop DOING’ stuff and we begin to simply BE.

One of the things that Rori says that I love goes something like this: We are the BEING to his DOING.

You are doing wonderfully and really becoming aware…of your inner world…your feelings and when we begin this – it can feel awkward and uncomfortable- cause we simply have been ignoring who we are inside.

Most of us have been taught to hide our emotions (good and bad) so many of us try too hard to ‘get rid of’ emotions – especially those we don’t like.

What we want to do is to LOVE all of those emotions and learn to BE with them and BE ok.

Then, we soon realize – “Oh- I am ok and I do love all of myself and all of my emotions.”

Then, we really see the shift in vibe and we see it – in the way others respond to us.

It is a beautiful thing to experience.

Love, Debra

From Rori: This is just one of the many kinds of long, thought-out, helpful interactions and clarifications and instructions (and many are in video!) you can expect on Siren Island. Debra will be there for you…


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  1.  #1Leela on December 17, 2017 at 3:09 pm

    Dear Rori and Sirens!,

    I have a problem and I feel embarrassed to share it but this feels like a great place to confess and get it off my chest.

    I feel very inhibited when it comes to sex. Any other position than the good ol’ classic I feel objectified and almost offended. Especially the one where I would be taken from behind. I feel my self closing off and almost enduring because of multitude of reasons but I don’t say anything because I want to come across as confident and sexual. I just get so so insecure. It’s gone to the point where I avoid sex as much as I can. I hate it when he suggests positions, I feel as though I’m there to fulfill some sexual fantasy that has nothing to do with his desire for me, like I’m there to be his sex toy. I don’t know why I feel this way, he is loving and great and simply wants us to explore sex, it’s my issue and it’s probably because of the way I was brought up and I feel it’s taking its toll. I feel this pressure and tension around intimacy. I want to let go and just enjoy but I’m not sure where to start. He is a great guy!

    Has anyone else here has felt like this? Any tips? What tools should I focus on using?

    I do have the Heart Connection ToolKit program.

    Many thanks x

  2.  #2Indigo on December 17, 2017 at 11:04 pm

    Hi Leela,

    I can share my own experience, and perhaps it will help you.
    I can relate to how you feel because it’s how I felt with my ex-husband. He was a lot more sexually aggressive and adventurous than I was, and it just caused me to feel pushed and pressured all the time, to the point that I shut down around sex. I could go weeks without sex because I dreaded that dominated, objectified feeling that I had when we had sex. I did not feel emotionally connected, heard or respected at all, even though he was a wonderful husband who worshipped the ground I walked on. In the end, I’m sorry to say, it was one of the factors that pushed us apart, but your situation might be quite different.

    One thing I have learned about myself since then is that I am a very sexual, sensual person, but I absolutely need a man who is sensitive to my needs and open to direction in order to “unlock” that side of me. I’ve actually realised this is extremely important, and it is no good me trying to push myself to try things I’m not comfortable with because my girl parts just shut down. Lots of gentle, affectionate, consistent touch make me open up like a rose blooming, and when I feel safe with a man, and comfortable that he won’t pressure me or sulk, it gives me the confidence to try new things.

    This has been my experience. I think some of us women are more sensitive than others, I am one of those, and we need to feel respected and emotionally connected when we have sex.

  3.  #3Leela on December 17, 2017 at 11:51 pm

    Indigo! Thank you for your comment, it made me realise that there’s nothing wrong with me. That there’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel respected during sex. I will share with him how I feel when I see him next. I feel empowered by the idea of sharing how I actually feel about sex. Just like you I am sexual and it’s time to be true to myself and what really turns me on. It’s about our pleasure after all

  4.  #4Rori Raye on December 20, 2017 at 9:17 am

    Indigo and Leela, This is Rori, and BRAVA to everything you say…May I take your comments and publish them as a Post, here and on, so other women can benefit? Also – the greatest coach to help you with anything around sex is Dominique – Love, Rori

  5.  #5Indigo on December 22, 2017 at 12:13 am


    I am very happy for you to use my comments!


  6.  #6Leela on December 23, 2017 at 1:43 am

    Rori, you absolutely can! 🙂

    Just an update: I had a this conversation with him, he hugged me and said he felt ashamed. I said there was no need to, I said it was me who was trying to be something else, he never forced me to do anything. I said that I just wanted to know if this would cause conflict between us. He said it was only me he wanted to do those things with and thought I was the same, but now that he knows he will stop. He kept feeling bad about it all and I just assured him it wasn’t his fault and he’d never forced me to do anything.
    I thought this would make things awkward between us sexually for a while but it didn’t! It felt so much better, so much more natural and the emotional connection just peaked again! Felt so great to be just me, didn’t feel any pressure at all because now I knew he wouldn’t suggest anything I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing ( I was very specific about what I didn’t like)


  7.  #7Indigo on December 24, 2017 at 12:13 am


    Wow, that’s so awesome! Sex is such an incredibly intimate act, a time when we are so vulnerable, so I think it’s so wonderful when we can feel safe and comfortable. So glad your man reacted so well to the conversation and that you were able to speak your truth. Yay!