How To Talk to A Man About YOUR Day

Untitled design (14)

pondHere’s a great question from Sandy about how to simply “share yourself” with a man in words:

“Rori, one big question I have is, you said to speak to him in short sentences and when he is in front of me, just basically nod or say “ok, I understand” or ‘oh that’s interesting’ etc and not say much at all. I guess I am trying to understand what’s the value of me not saying much to him or even talking about my day? I don’t know how that could get him closer because wouldn’t he want to know about my day too?

Could you please help me understand how that affects him? If I understand it, then I will be more aware and would be able to have that kind of communication. Right now because I don’t understand why I need to do that I go back to my usual talking and describing my day…..Thank you, Sandy”

My Answer:

1. One Bird:

This is a new Tool, I use it all the time with my clients, and it’s a quick and fun way to gather material for your Passion Stories.

Get a journal and write down-  all through your day – things you noticed, things that happened. Write them down as Feeling Messages – as Poetry – instead of as “Reporter descriptions.”

*Imagine that you’re looking at a flock of birds flying overhead. Explore for a moment how that feels.

*Now “drill down” to noticing ONE bird in the flock. Explore how that feels.

*Now “drill down” to noticing one wing of that one bird. Explore how that feels.

*Now “drill down” to noticing one feather on the one wing of that one bird. Explore how that feels.

The idea here is to “drill down” into the details – the smallest, most alive details of everything you see, touch, experience – and to FEEL your way through that experience.

Now – write those moments down. Collect these “One Bird” moments. You can experience it with flowers, animals, air, weather, store windows, people’s faces – everything around you!

2. Passion Stories

When you feel it’s time to SHARE your day’s experiences – start with these short- “One Bird” sentences you’ve already prepared.

String them together – and you’ve got a Passion Story! In this case, one about standing there and watching the birds, and experiencing how it felt to be One Bird flying!

Try it with anything!

Talk about yourself ALWAYS in Poetry, NOT as a reporter – (This Poet/Reporter Tool is only in the Love Forever program – and you can learn to do it yourself from the programs you have! The ebook alone will help you with this!)

Love, Rori

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in

332 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on May 23, 2013 at 8:08 am

    🙂



  2.  #2Femininewoman on May 23, 2013 at 8:17 am

    I am having apples for snack today. Fuji apples. The texture of the second one felt nubby and did not look very appetizing. After biting it I realized it felt juicy and really refreshing on my tongue. It tasted sweet and felt satisfying and pleasurable both on my tongue and in my belly. I look at the lines in the core of the apple and feel like one with the apple.



  3.  #3April Rose on May 23, 2013 at 8:43 am

    Hmmm. I felt a big wet splot of rain fall on my head today! It felt surprising and then cold and strangely trickly. Made me shudder!



  4.  #4Tereana on May 23, 2013 at 8:58 am

    FW, I like that description of the apple(s)



  5.  #5Sirana on May 23, 2013 at 8:58 am

    Femininewoman – I just wanted to share that your comment regarding the “power” I had to turn everything around really stayed with me. I just finished all of Rori’s CDs and finished reading the Queen’s code and I feel great! I really understand the playing for points and not being stingy about points. I have been trying this with my husband and he has been noticeably warmer. I am also not getting my feelings hurt as often because I realize everything he is doing is not out of lack of love, respect or caring. Have you experienced this type of positive change in your man? I would love to hear some happy experiences anyone has enjoyed from practicing these tools.



  6.  #6Tereana on May 23, 2013 at 9:29 am

    I woke up this morning feeling like my brain got hit by a truck.

    I agreed to meet the “new guy” last night after work, because I didn’t have to work as late as usual.

    At first things were nice. Although I was a little put off that he showed up late, even though I gave him *ample* notice of my arrival time. I even overestimated, and guessed I would be there earlier than I actually was, and I STILL had to wait for him. I don’t think he understands how that makes me feel – which is not good. I do not like to wait for people when I am going on a date. If I am a few minutes late, that’s fine. Actually, I stress about that. I am punctual. And I like it better if the man is already there and waiting for me. That makes me feel good and like a princess : )

    So that was kind of a turn-off from the get-go.

    And then we spent some time walking around, looking for a place to hang out (the first place was no good). As we walked, I got hungrier and I needed food. Finally, we stepped into an Irish bar that looked good. As we headed back to find a table, the walking area got skinnier, and I was surprised, when I looked at him, made eye contact, and he stepped in front of me. What man steps in front of a woman and doesn’t let her go first? A selfish man. At least, that was how it made me feel. He wasn’t paying attention to me at all. When I found a table I wanted to sit at, he just kept walking, and I had to wait for him to turn around and wave him over.

    I had wanted to talk to him about some stuff, but being in the restaurant, I was overwhelmed, and also hungry. I couldn’t remember what had been on my mind. I just wanted to be in the moment. But he kept asking me. And then we got into a conversation that got very personal. I ended up revealing some things that I really haven’t spoken aloud for over 10 years, if ever, and they’ve been bothering me for that long. At the same time that that happened, I had a “dissociative’ episode. Meaning that my brain kind of shut off. My “self” went deeply inside me and hid. I couldn’t think. Couldn’t talk. The only thing I could think of to do was to get out of there. I stood up, not sure what I was doing. I knew that the bill had to be paid, and I wasn’t expecting him to pay it. But I just had to leave after what I’d said.

    He asked me where I was going. But I couldn’t speak. I tried to make eye contact, and it hurt.

    Now he blames me.

    First I walked two blocks and stopped. He had texted me about who was going to pay the bill. I texted back that if he paid and came out, I would give him some money. But he didn’t. I was going to go back and pay. But then he sent a mean text, saying that I was either “crazy” or “criminal.” Neither of which resonated with me. (He’s a man. He can take care of what needs to happen.) But I felt bad. He wasn’t understanding me. He wasn’t seeing me. He wasn’t on my level. I was communicating, and he wasn’t “hearing” me. At least that’s how I felt.

    Heck, it’s a big stretch that I even stopped to check my texts. Originally, I was just going to walk out of there and go home. I felt done. I needed to breathe.

    Half of me hoped he would feel concerned about me and come out to check on me. But he didn’t do that either. And I guess I’m a little bit miffed about that. But that’s his choice.

    In the end, I decided that I didn’t need to concern myself with his judgment. I was paying attention to myself. I was making my needs my own priority. Since he wasn’t doing it, I needed to.

    Though at the time, I was mostly on ‘autopilot.’ I’ve never walked out on anyone like this before. The closest experience was when the Australian guy walked out because he was upset that I thought he was going to take me out to dinner and pay for it because he’s a guy. But that was different. He left first.

    This time I just left.

    And there were (and are) so many confusing thoughts and feelings in my mind. I’m not sure if I like the guy. Maybe that’s the crux of it. Maybe I just really don’t like him, and I don’t want to sleep with him, and that’s fine. Or maybe I’m rejecting him out of hand simply because he made it clear that he was attracted to me. I dont’ know. We were talking about sex, and that was enough to trigger the dissociation and make me feel like I wanted to run/get away. So I did.

    And he was upset, but again, I’m not justifying it as the “right” thing to do. But at that point, I wasn’t really “there.” I don’t know where I was. I just went away. And I didn’t come back until well after I got home. At which point, I called him (after pondering it for a while), and said that I felt like I didn’t want us to go to bed angry. But, if there was anything there, I am pretty sure that my subconscious mind, which hijacked me and caused me to do all these things, said some pretty damaging things to him that would make any kind of reconciliation impossible. He’s not even a great guy. he’s not exactly a “catch.” I could have made my exit in a much more dignified way. Don’t ask me why I didn’t just tell him, “I don’t think we should see each other anymore” and instead agreed to see him and meet with him on a Wednesday. I was having some bad feelings, but I didn’t fully trust the bad feelings. Part of me was hoping and yearning to have sex as well – at some point. Not last night, but some time in the future.

    This is a big long, rambling post.

    I just feel so wrecked today. It’s over. He’s not liking me anymore, and that was probably the point. But I can still feel that pain of separation. And that is exactly NOT what I wanted to feel. I was liking the connection. It felt good when he had his arm around me. I feel simultaneously annoyed and grateful to my self-conscious for “protecting” me and keeping me alone and lonely when someone wants to be with me. On the one hand, it’s simpler this way. I feel safe. I didn’t feel “safe” completely with him. But now, also, I don’t have the connection anymore. And who cares who he was. I’m not great. I’m not special. I’m not “a catch.” Who am I to judge? He is a person, too. And if anyone was selfish, I suppose it was me…and I don’t know what to think anymore. I feel confused.



  7.  #7Indigo on May 23, 2013 at 9:43 am

    I am sitting with some really uncomfortable feelings this evening.

    I sobbed all the way driving home from work, and for a good solid 20 minutes before leaving work. Sobs that expressed all of what’s going on inside me that I cannot put into words. I can’t remember the last time I cried like that.



  8.  #8Tereana on May 23, 2013 at 9:44 am

    p.s. to the above post, re: timing. Secretly, the timing was okay (which is why I didn’t say anything). We had originally planned to meet at 8. I told him I could be there earlier, and estimated I would arrive at 7:40. I actually got there around 7:50, and when he showed up it was 7:56 (I checked ; ). So actually, we were both early. And therefore I let it go as soon as he got there, and didn’t feel it worth mentioning.

    But maybe – again, subconscious – some part of me was trying to “latch on” to that “transgression” to make it out as a reason to not like him.

    My subconscious gets me into all kinds of trouble.

    It’s 10 a.m. and I need a nap…



  9.  #9Femininewoman on May 23, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Tereana – that walking away in some form when the bill is to be paid is a strategy some girls use to get guys to pick up the bill. I hear you that you felt overwhelmed and needed to be some place else, but I think for him the timing was kinda off.

    If you talk to guys about this walking away to not pay the bill you might be surprised to see how many of them have experienced this. It is a time that many girls choose to go to the restroom.



  10.  #10Sirana on May 23, 2013 at 9:50 am

    Tereana – Consider looking at his actions differently. Instead of immediately thinking he is being a jerk, consider that he walked in front of you because he felt like it was his responsibility to “lead” you down the isle. It was protective. And as the man taking you out, he wanted to be the one picking the table. He wanted to be recognized for picking a nice spot. When I think of all the times I have assumed my husband was just being mean or thoughtless, I realize now that maybe instead he has a reason for his actions that have nothing to do with that. Just an idea. I am still very new at this.



  11.  #11sophie on May 23, 2013 at 10:42 am

    ((((indigo)))) Hugs – I’ve been feeling grief-like sadness welling in me all week I feel like I could sob like that but its just not coming ….it always amazes me how much I just keep on processing more and more of my emotional world sometimes in huge waves…never really seems to stop the ebb and flow…I’m a bit with Zia and wondering about this moon that is upon us (mischievous winky face).

    I love Rori’s tool I want to get this one down I am quite good at it in my head and when i’m alone i’m just not very good at expressing it to men …



  12.  #12sophie on May 23, 2013 at 10:48 am

    eeekkk it is using my photo not into that at alll!!! this is a test to see if ive sorted it out 🙁



  13.  #13sophie on May 23, 2013 at 10:50 am

    test



  14.  #14sophie on May 23, 2013 at 10:59 am

    another test



  15.  #15sophie on May 23, 2013 at 11:00 am

    I am now a rose – phew feel much happier about that 🙂



  16.  #16Dominique on May 23, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Sirana – 10 – YES!!!

    xxoo



  17.  #17Sirana on May 23, 2013 at 11:06 am

    Dominque- Awesome! 🙂



  18.  #18Dominique on May 23, 2013 at 11:30 am

    sophie – LOVE the rose. If you’ve ever been to my site, you will know that roses are my “thing”. 🙂

    xxoo



  19.  #19sapphire on May 23, 2013 at 11:37 am

    Finding it hard to understand Rori’s post. Can anyone give examples of how they talk about there day to there guys. I have been in a engaged relationship for over three years now. We cant afford to get married but live together. I find it difficult to talk about my stuff, especially as he not appear to listen or talk all about his day. Some real examples would help me feel the way and practise expressing
    Xxx



  20.  #20Femininewoman on May 23, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    This is going to be my most personal newsletter to all of you and I’m only sending it out to my women.

    You want to know the best men to date?

    Single dads that are great parents.

    Do you want to know why?

    It’s because they are men that can get past themselves; they stay present in the moment and they give love like never before.

    Until I had my daughter, I don’t think I knew how to love.

    I don’t think I even knew how to communicate.

    Everything was always frustrating when it came down to relationships. Stating needs, wants and desires wasn’t easy to do. It became this frustrating battle that I didn’t know how to really express myself.

    My daughter is in the moment all the time, is the most beautiful little girl in the world and all she does is express love. She’ll look at me and say, “Daddy I love you”, for no reason at all and expect nothing back.

    I remain present with her at all times and because of that I’ve learned how to love; I’ve learned how to be a more loving person, a more communicative person and a better man.

    So if you’re dating, look at the single dads that are great dads because those are the men that get past their egos, get past themselves, get past their self-absorbed lives and know exactly how to love someone.

    They’re also the most giving, understanding and patient men you can ever be with.

    So Audrey it’s time for you to really look past some of those single, never-married guys and look at some of the single dads.

    Click here and start meeting all the right men.

    Your friend,

    David

    David Wygan



  21.  #21sophie on May 23, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    @18 ahh thanks Dominique 🙂 I just panicked not wanting my face to be seen and so googled flowers and this was the one that resonated with me. I love its soft pink colour but not toooo soft very feminine but strong x i love the dewdrops too its connectvity with nature 🙂 x



  22.  #22Indigo on May 23, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    Thank you for the hugs, sophie. That felt very kind.



  23.  #23Femininewoman on May 23, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    I felt kinda lost and unwanted in the store after ordering my lunch today. I was the only female customer and I sensed that every spot I stood in was the wrong one even though I kept moving to get out of the way. The store was small and I felt out of place amongst the strange men. I caught myself in my head asking myself if I was invisible to the store clerks. I enjoyed looking at the internal texture and color of the falafel I ordered. I felt intrigued by the color contrasts and felt like exploring with my tongue the different textures. The green color reminded me of richness and abundance. It felt kinda electric. I felt grateful that I can find tasty feeling alternatives to meat when I want.

    Today I felt caught up with all the things flying across the screen and connecting with the people I had to meet. It felt really good hearing my supervisor say that he feels thankful that I am a part of the team as I am the only one who stops to say thank you and show appreciation for the work he is doing. I felt connected to him listening to him and looking at his beard that looks like it feels prickly.

    I feel deep satisfaction and appreciation for myself that the work I have been doing is being noticed. I feel thankful to Rori for reminding me that connecting with humans means connecting through feelings. I noticed today that in thanking me my supervisor was comparing me with other people who he made sacrifices for and who, in his mind, don’t seem to recognize that he is human because he does not hear appreciation. He used the word human so many times that I now feel curious to explore if this is one of the words that men tune into.



  24.  #24Femininewoman on May 23, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    I wonder if the out of place feeling is lack of confidence in my vibe.

    I felt self-conscious?
    It felt like all eyes were on me?
    I felt uncomfortable thinking that all eyes were on me as I was thinking I was out of place seeing it is my first visit to that store?



  25.  #25Femininewoman on May 23, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    Today I felt present and in the moment with my lunch and with my supervisor. I felt surprised and disappointed to hear the clap of the thunder and see the lightning flash. I caught myself on autopilot declaring the obvious – it is raining. Then hearing “what do you want me to do? Stop it?” I wonder what could I do to just be with the rain?



  26.  #26klk on May 23, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    6- Tereana

    I would feel very annoyed if someone left me at the pub without a word said. I feel for him.



  27.  #27Syreena on May 23, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    Tereana, the dissociating and going on auto is the clue.

    “I had wanted to talk to him about some stuff, but being in the restaurant, I was overwhelmed, and also hungry. I couldn’t remember what had been on my mind. I just wanted to be in the moment. But he kept asking me. And then we got into a conversation that got very personal. I ended up revealing some things that I really haven’t spoken aloud for over 10 years, if ever, and they’ve been bothering me for that long. At the same time that that happened, I had a “dissociative’ episode. Meaning that my brain kind of shut off. My “self” went deeply inside me and hid. I couldn’t think. Couldn’t talk. The only thing I could think of to do was to get out of there. I stood up, not sure what I was doing. I knew that the bill had to be paid, and I wasn’t expecting him to pay it. But I just had to leave after what I’d said

    He asked me where I was going. But I couldn’t speak. I tried to make eye contact, and it hurt.

    Now he blames me.”

    It was the right thing to do at that moment.
    It’s ok.
    He may be angry but it was right for you at that moment.
    For whatever reason you didn’t feel safe and it was your bodies way of getting you somewhere safe.

    The feeling like you have been hit by a truck is your bodies way of telling you to rest be kind and gentle to yourself.
    Stuff may come to the surface for you to process.

    Hope you feel better and get to a better place soon



  28.  #28Syreena on May 23, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    He is a big boy and he can take care of his own anger,

    It’s more important for you to take care of you and leave him to take care of him.



  29.  #29Zia on May 23, 2013 at 5:36 pm

    sophie (11) – there is definitely something to it. i feel like a prowling, restless cat at the moment. so much emotional stuff is coming up, it’s exhausting.



  30.  #30prplpsn28 on May 23, 2013 at 6:52 pm

    #10 Sirana – I was thinking the same thing :



  31.  #31Andrea on May 23, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    Oh Tereanna, I was feeling almost panic and fear when I was reading your post. Walking out of that restaurant was what you needed to do to feel “normal” again. At least it was an attempt to steady the overwhelming feelings that you were experiencing.
    I felt anger as well, and protective toward you. I wanted to say, “Just because HE is mad, doesn’t mean you were wrong.”
    I also don’t understand the nature of your “meeting”. Was it a date? Then why was he questioning you about paying the bill?
    I have met men (mainly colleague, or fellow students) for coffee or drinks. I had no romantic intention toward them at all. We went dutch.
    But if a man asks me out on a date, I assume that he is asking me out on a date so that he can show me how well he can take care of me and pay for me. Otherwise.. why would I be interested in him?



  32.  #32prplpsn28 on May 23, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    I’m not exactly understanding this post either but I have yet to get to Rori’s Love Forever program. I’m sure that would help lol. I have wondered about how to talk to him about my day, etc. And have thought the same thing as the woman above (re: I guess I am trying to understand what’s the value of me not saying much to him or even talking about my day? I don’t know how that could get him closer because wouldn’t he want to know about my day too?).



  33.  #33Elsie on May 23, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    Hi all….

    I’ve read every comment on every post in the last two weeks. But I’ve been just sort of emotionally up and down and was too tired/exhausted to write. There was something I went through, and I”m ok now, but it was emotional.

    Anyway – I have a bit of a question. So GS has been GREAT in the last two weeks. Helped me with some stuff around my house without even having to ask!!! He thought of it himself. So sweet. He has not been over to see me for alone time in two weeks, which is really hard on me. I think its hard on him, but harder on me. He just sometimes cant get away at night because he has the kids, etc.

    So – anyway – tomorrow he is taking me and my children to lunch – very nice. 🙂 It will be fun.

    But, then I asked him to bring something by the house next week, and I said – oh you will get to meet my friend and he hasnt really met any of my friends yet. And he got all weird on me. He said….ohh….well, I dont know. And I said, well, why wouldnt you want to meet her? And he just got really nervous like, and said….ohhh…welll, I dont know about that…..

    And he said that like twice, so then I dropped it.

    I have NO IDEA what that means.

    He didnt say he wouldnt help me and wouldnt bring the stuff over next week, but I could see he was CLEARLY uncomfortable with meeting my friend finally after hearing talk of her for a year. Maybe he is nervous/worried because he knows that SHE knows so much about him LOL? I have no idea.

    This man is NOT shy in public with me. He seems to adore having me on his arm when we go out. I dont think he is embarrassed to be with me. I know that he loves me. I know he loves my children.

    We are not at the next step yet given our situations, but this is really confusing me.

    I felt hurt. I felt rejected. Like he didnt think I was important enough to meet my friends. Maybe those are negative voices? I dont know.

    Thoughts?



  34.  #34Jessie1000 on May 23, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    Ive been dating for a few weeks a new guy…he was a friend I went to school with over 15 years ago…we just had a few dates but we kind of already good friends and kept in touch over the years…he has a son that is same age as my son…teenager.
    I kind of wanted him to text me today…I was feeling anxious and a little bit of pain. So I tried to analyze the why of my feelings.
    My conclusions:
    Why do I want to hear from him?
    1. I want him to build up my ego. Feeling down and bored at work was a strain on my self esteem.
    Hearing from him would have made me feel “good” cause hes hot and sexy and probably out of my league.
    Once work was over, I didnt care if he texted or not…and he did after supper…lol
    2. I worry that hes not thinking about me. Wierdest pleasure of wanting to control someone elses thinking!! I felt like I needed to control how others perceive me and desire me! Why? Who knows…. maybe because I dont want a half ass boyfriend, I want a bf who is sick in love with me and jones for me!! omg
    Seems pretty silly now.
    3. I miss adult company…holy unmet needs. I feel like my kids sometimes are so draining and I wanted him to act like a gf and kind of bitch and rant about kids…..lol and why should he want to be a bf and a gf at the same time!
    4. I am concentrating on other people to avoid thinking about my own life. I had to force myself to think about my own problems at that time…money, jobs, kids and I was really trying to not think about those and obsessing about him made me block the reality of my life out….
    crazy stuff now…
    5. I expect a good man to start out completely in love with me, progressing the relationship really fast instead of appreciating how love grows slowly, you cant speed that up and if you do, mistakes will be made …for sure…
    ha ha….here is my feelings, but there are probably alot more….boredom at work doesnt help…lolol
    kisses girls!



  35.  #35Rori Raye on May 23, 2013 at 8:21 pm

    Jessie – Don’t know how you landed in moderation – and thank you SO much for this – so aware and insightful! Love, Rori



  36.  #36Femininewoman on May 23, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    Elsie dont make it abot you. He had a deer in the headlights moment with the planning ahesd talk. Maybe he was in the moment and just needed time to catch up to where you were. Maybe he would have preferred to spontaneously meet her rather than plan to meet her.



  37.  #37Indigo on May 23, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    Elsie 33

    “I felt hurt. I felt rejected. Like he didnt think I was important enough to meet my friends. Maybe those are negative voices? I dont know.”

    I had a friend say a similar thing to me recently when another friend of hers didn’t appear to want her to meet her boyfriend, and it always amazes me how this can be the first thought someone’s mind jumps to: I’m not good enough. I’m not important enough.

    Those are ABSOLUTELY negative voices. How can this man, who until a moment ago was helping you with stuff around your house, and wanting to take you to lunch, suddenly feel you are not important enough for him to meet a friend? I would try making it not so important, and it might happen spontaneously at another time. For your sake, I think it would be lovely if you did not dwell on it.

    x



  38.  #38Liquid Light on May 23, 2013 at 9:45 pm

    I had a dream that I was making out with George Bush last night. I think its because CDcop reminded me of him but I had no idea until the dream/nightmare. Ack!!! Yuck!!!



  39.  #39Tereana on May 23, 2013 at 9:52 pm

    Well, now I feel slightly confused. Well, not confused, exactly. More like – surprised. So, after my big, long, heart-wrenching post this morning…I checked my text messages.

    I had several from him (or one big long one) that he had sent last night while I was asleep. I was afraid to read them, thanking they would be angry and mean. Instead, I read that he had heard me, and felt bad how he treated me, and “felt open to listening” to me. Only, I’m not sure that I had anything particular to say. I’m not sure what he was expecting. But my surprise at his kind words brought me to tears. I was really expecting – and feeling – rejection and separation.

    And maybe that’s all for the best. Maybe that’s what I *should* feel. All morning, I felt that sensation of him pulling away, and I pictured him in my “rear-view” mirror, and I was sad, but okay with it. I felt strong. And then I read his words.

    I responded with gratitude and replied that I would be open to talking, myself. No agenda on when, where or how. Nor any expectations, I guess.

    I still don’t know if I can really trust how I feel. Is my guy really telling me he’s “a bad guy” (as in, not good *for me*)? Or am I simply rejecting him automatically and finding reasons not to accept him for the simple reason that he feels attracted to me and is open about wanting to sleep with me?

    I struggle not to “dissociate” in these situations, and to stay present when my mind feels foggy. But at least now I’ve had some time to recover. And I’m not so tired, but I no longer have that “hit by a truck” feeling.

    Based on what I’ve written so far, do you ladies have any thoughts or reactions about this guy? I’m just trying to get a mirror up, so I can get a better read on my own feelings. Does he sound like a guy who might be able to “step up” and be what I need, even though he might not look it on the outside? Or does he seem more like a “total loser” (to put it into shorthand) who basically is emotionally unavailable and just using words to fulfill his own desires, rather than give me what I really want.

    Thoughts?

    Since texting him earlier today, I haven’t heard back. I even sent another text later on, far after the other one – again, mostly with gratitude. He’s normally quicker at responding. So I wonder if, since I didn’t call back last night when he texted, I might have missed the window of opportunity to repair the connection. I guess we’ll see. The ball is in his court now…



  40.  #40Tereana on May 23, 2013 at 9:54 pm

    Typo correction: “my gut telling me…” Not “my guy.” Lol. Autocorrect…



  41.  #41Tereana on May 23, 2013 at 9:59 pm

    Sirana – I like your take on the scoping out the table possibility. However, I don’t believe that was the goal. He was actually scoping out where the restrooms were. There were no tables in the back. And once we took our spot, he immediately said he had to go and took off. Fair enough. But I had to go, too, and I ended up waiting for him.

    Last time we went out to eat – actually the first time – I said I needed to use the ladies’ room, and he said he wated to go also, at the same time. I appealed to him to stay and watch my bag. It doesn’t make sense to me to leave a table unattended. I’ve never had anyone ask for that before.. Also, there was only one restroom, but we didn’t know that…



  42.  #42Tereana on May 23, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    Check it out – I just noticed that the moon is in Scorpio. That must be messing with my “sh*t” a little, as it were. Alternatively, it could be lendin me great power, as my moon birth sign is Scorpio. So that’s interesting. I know therapy is important, but also I feel part of all this has to do with learning to understand and “assimilate” my Scorpio moon into my personality. It and my sexuality feel like pretty much one and the same thing. If I can incorporate one, I can do so with the other, or both at the same time. This could be fun! !



  43.  #43Andrea on May 23, 2013 at 10:12 pm

    Here’s a strange thing that happened to me: I’m hoping I will be able to process it here.

    About a year ago a man was hitting on me. I gave him my phone number and told him I’d be receptive to his calling me. I noticed he was riding a bicycle, but that’s typical in our hometown where there are city wide activities to promote health.

    He called me once to ask me to dinner at his house. I turned that down, not comfortable with going to his house for beer and a barbecue (was that supposed to be our first date?) Then he called me a second time one night. He had heard about a deer that had been hit by a car and he wanted to go pick it up. He asked me if I would drive him with my jeep and let him load the deer into my jeep and help him unload it into his garage.
    (ummmmmm talk about all kinds of nasty!!!!)

    I told him, “No Way!!” There is no way that dead deer carcass is ever going to be in my precious jeep! And why didn’t he go get it himself with his own vehicle? He told me he didn’t have a vehicle.

    I told him, “No. I”m sorry, but no. I am not going to be his or any man’s taxi.”

    He had the audacity to say, “Honey, you’ve got a lot to learn about getting a man around here.”

    Ick! Needless to say, he never called me again and I never flirted with him again.

    Anyway, I bumped into him last night. He was with a male friend. Both are around my age. Both are attractive men. But I am not attracted in the least to deer guy, or his friend.

    Deer guy says to me, “I bet you think some man is going to buy you a drink tonight.”

    I said, half way joking, “Yeah, sure why not. It seems like the least thing a man could do for me.”

    Deer guy says, “Wow. You see, that’s why YOU are still single! You expect men to pay for your drinks, pay for your dates, and buy you things. You aren’t ever going to meet a man who wants to be with you. I’m with a lady now, SHE called me! She comes into this bar and she says to me, Don’t even think about buying me a drink. She’s at her house right now, calling me, wondering when I’ll be home. She’s made dinner for me. Now THAT’s the kind of woman who knows how to keep her man.”

    His friend pipes in: “Yeah, women like you are so full of shit. You think everything should be handed to you and men should do all the work. You know why I married my wife? Not because I really like her.. she just knows how to give me the best (bj) I’ve ever had. She keeps me by doing what she knows I want.”

    Now….. as icky as that confrontation was… I noticed some things. First of all, I noticed myself. I had no desire to argue, to explain, to engage, to justify, or to deny. I just listened and smiled and then I told Deer Guy that it feels soft and nice to know that he’s happy and that he met someone who he is compatable with. Then he stopped being so harsh and told me all about meeting her, and how she held him in bed when he lost a dear friend of his to cancer, and he’s happy, he’s happy, he really is happy.
    I also noticed that both of these men, who are so happy with the women they chose, were at the bar, drinking and talking to me… not home with these wonderful women who dote on them, cook for them, give them the best sex ever.. etc… how interesting..

    And then, as I walked away from them, I noticed that I felt elation, joy, glee almost… and I got real curious about where those feelings were coming from.
    Then I realized that I used to bemoan the fact that I seemed to only attract lazy, poor, unprofessional, (etc) men. As I walked away from those two men I realized that they were vehemently, adamantly NOT attracted to me. Such a change from last year.

    And I realized that I was different on a vibrational level. My vibes were such that I just needed to show up in their presence and they were agitated.
    It’s nice to know that I’m no longer drawn to, or drawing to me, the kind of man who thinks I should be chasing him, paying for him, doting on him.

    I think it’s all baby steps. I feel pride in myself that I didn’t engage at all. I feel solid and grounded in my boundaries. I feel supported by the universe in the rightness of my own choice in the kind of man I would like in my life. I feel aniticipation because I feel like he is on his way into my life.



  44.  #44Zia on May 23, 2013 at 10:36 pm

    Andrea – I really enjoyed reading what you’ve written. I feel so happy to share in the realisation you have had about how much you’ve changed, and it is especially moving to me being on a similar path yet still feeling very much like a “work in progress”.



  45.  #45Millie on May 23, 2013 at 10:50 pm

    Tereana,

    I was on edge as well when you said your man sent you all these long texts, but I feel so happy to hear that he sent you warm words and understanding. While I don’t know the details of your conversation at the pub and what exactly triggered you to feel like walking out, it seems like he is respecting how you feel. I wouldn’t over analyze the timing of his texts–not every response can be instantaneous. Sometimes people want/need time to cultivate their responses. I don’t know if in the big picture he is a man that can step up, but I feel in this situation, he did.

    From what you’ve written so far, I am hearing that you want connection and like feeling connected to him, but at the same time want to take your emotions and run away into disconnection because it feels safer. You mention that you hoped he would come out after you–I think that shows that you do like him. Maybe you left not to get away from him, but to get away of the intensity of your feelings. I understand the feeling of just needing to get out, for me it feels impulsive, panicked, angry, suffocating, boiling. Air and solitude feel so good when that happens. It seems like being honest with your past and feeling like you “said too much” made you feel vulnerable. I’m wondering if that triggered you to retreat and stop yourself from communicating any more verbally with him?



  46.  #46Indigo on May 23, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    Wow, Tereana.

    So much jumped out at me about your post in #6.

    Just a couple of things right off the bat, why did you arrive early-ish if you didn’t want to wait for him? For me this always feels bad, so I never arrive early. I also never text a guy that I’m there already. For me, if we have made plans to meet somewhere at a particular time, then I operate under those plans and would expect *him* to tell me if he is going to be late at all. I don’t know, texting him that I’m there already seems to be setting myself up to feel bad.

    Also, I wouldn’t feel bad that you ended up revealing some things that were personal. And I wouldn’t apologise for it. You were obviously triggered in some way, and that is ok, you are allowed to be human. No need to beat yourself up because you walked out because you couldn’t take it any more in the moment. As soon as you “came to” so to speak and composed yourself, you tried to make things right – isn’t that great?

    As for his text about who would pay, I wouldn’t have dignified that with an answer. For me personally it demeans me to haggle over the bill, and I don’t believe a man thinks less of you for not paying, unless it veers way over into taking advantage territory. In fact, I think he would value you more.

    I got more of a clueless vibe from how you were describing this guy than a bad guy vibe. Wouldn’t it feel great for you to feel beforehand that you are in fact “a catch” and don’t assume that anyone will want to treat you badly?

    Big hugs to you xxx

    I also felt yesterday as if I’d been hit by a bus.



  47.  #47Millie on May 23, 2013 at 10:56 pm

    Andrea–

    I love this story! I’m learning so much from your self-awareness and process in each encounter. Thank you!



  48.  #48Daria on May 23, 2013 at 11:28 pm

    so my bookie aint hit me yet since and i feel disappointed cuz it woulda felt great to hear from him tonite

    i feel sad

    and i feel very happy … cuz im still felling happy overall having been taking great care of myself nutritionally

    and just went on a date

    i want a wonderful feeling romance



  49.  #49Daria on May 23, 2013 at 11:30 pm

    last nite i dreamt about guywho, who brought me to the blog,

    and i wanted to show him how changed i was, but i didn’t quite

    he was in a hospital bed and wound up talking with a couple of my friends and i felt not good enough jealous left out suspicious powerless humiliated icky

    that feeling

    and yet i still wanted to be aroudn him as it felt good to be around his vibe

    and i remember clearly him telling me “D you dont know your worth”

    still! oops

    hehe

    i feel glad i felt the feelings through and that he said that to me felt reassuring like im gonna get there



  50.  #50Daria on May 23, 2013 at 11:36 pm

    also i dont know whos calling me from jail

    i dont think is bookie cuz he might not have my number memorized

    i hope its not my brother i feel concerned

    i wonder if its getright… i hope its not someone i’d feel worried about but its def someone who has my number memorized



  51.  #51Tereana on May 24, 2013 at 12:28 am

    It is so late for me. I shouldn’t even be up right now!

    Anyway, before I go to sleep, I just wanted to share this new “tool” that I made up for myself tonight. It’s actually a take on Rori’s “out the window” tool. Because I found myself actually doing that, at one point, automatically. My mind was stuck on lots of annoying thoughts, and I just turned, took a breath and focused on what was outside the window: buildings, lights, trees, shapes, air, sky. It was all there. I wasn’t thinking about it. I was just looking at it.

    So my new tool (based on that), I call “vision.” And it’s like “out the window,” but you don’t need a window. You can use one if it’s there. But all you have to do is just look at what is around you. Look at something real, and just observe it. See all the details. See how it really IS. And it gets you out of your head right away. At least I find it very grounding…

    The idea is that I used my “mind’s eye” so much to create things that don’t exist, or to “see” things that aren’t really there. And I short-circuit that by looking at what IS there. It feels pretty good.

    So I thought I’d just share it, in case you want to try it, too…

    Now I have to fold laundry and go to sleep.

    Good night, you moonlight ladies! ; )



  52.  #52Syreena on May 24, 2013 at 3:39 am

    Tereana
    \
    “I still don’t know if I can really trust how I feel…”

    How has your gut instinct worked for you in the past?

    Have you trusted it and acted on it, which got you out of some sticky situations?
    Or ignored it and later regretted it?

    Or trusted it for it later to have been wrong?

    I believe when we are tuned into it correctly, it is a gift which can and does save our lives.

    What is your pattern , how has it worked for you or not worked for you in the past?

    It is not my intention to ask so you reveal stuff you later may regret saying.
    Just for you to ask yourself in private and come up with your own answers may help or not.



  53.  #53Heart on May 24, 2013 at 4:31 am

    I saw a potted plant today…I felt peaceful looking at it…It reminded me of forests and childhood games playing near big plants. I noticed one leaf …it was just there hanging out …around other leaves….I felt calm, turned off and a little jealous….I felt jealous because the leaf could just hang there..relaxing…with other leaf friends nearby….It didn’t know what lonliness felt like….but I also felt suffocated by the scebe…ick I felt like the leaf had no where to go if it needed space! How could it experience that Exquisite Joy of being alone? Maybe …thinking about it now….maybe it just turned it’s attention inward and just day dreamed….

    I feel a bit sappy and grateful and teary-eyed remembering the leaf now…I feel a little guilty too …for looking down on the leaf and judging it….I’m smiling now…what a story….thank you little leaf



  54.  #54Heart on May 24, 2013 at 4:57 am

    thanks FW



  55.  #55ruth on May 24, 2013 at 5:16 am

    Hello

    Tereana, you sound like you were triggered really badly, by the S8x thing again that you have mentioned in a previous thread, and you just went onto auto pilot
    Dissociation feels worrying to me
    It got you to a safe place this time, but I felt so much distress coming from your posts
    I really hope you can sort this out for yourself
    xxxxxx



  56.  #56Heart on May 24, 2013 at 5:21 am

    Elsie – everytime I read you…I feel like your downward spiralling…micro-analysing everything….

    He’s not ready to meet your friend…or maybe he senses that yiur testing him and feels nervous…or maybe he’s losing interest …or maybe He was abducted by aliens and some kind of Predator hybrid is inhabiting his body…or maybe he is thinking of having a sex change and doesnt know how to tell you …or…[insert randon speculation here]

    Elsie – I feel scared reading your post. It reminds me of when I’m hung up on a guy and freaking out about little stuff…
    I get a back ick feeling confronting my obsessiveness….I guess somewhere inside I’m chastising lovesickHeart….
    oh I love you LovesickHeart…it’s ok if you pine and obsess from time to time…



  57.  #57sapphire on May 24, 2013 at 5:21 am

    Femininewomen
    Thank you that made it much clearer for me. I have been trying to be more aware of things today and will practice on him tonight. X



  58.  #58sapphire on May 24, 2013 at 5:22 am

    Femininewomen thank you that made it much clearer for me. I have been trying to be more aware of things today and will practice on him tonight. X



  59.  #59prplpsn28 on May 24, 2013 at 5:51 am

    Am feeling REALLY triggered this morning! I’m so disappointed. H let me know Tuesday evening that he would be out of town this coming wknd. He’s taking his mom to a family reunion in Tennessee. Which is not a problem. I totally get and understand that. What gets me is that he knew that I am totally free this wknd cuz my kids will be with their dad today thru Monday evening. He joked a little about me going to Tennessee with him which I thought was great. I would have loved to go. And the way he’s been coming forward lately and really showing that he cares and wants to be with me I thought it would be a great opportunity. I know his mom wouldn’t have minded if I went. Well, he never asked me to go with. I’m not even sure when they are leaving. Could be today for all I know. I’m soooo sad, hurt, disappointed. And mad too. I almost feel like I don’t even want to respond to him should I hear from him. I don’t feel it is my place to question him about it. That would be leaning forward too much and basically inviting myself. In my opinion. Thoughts?

    And I would like to let him know how sad, disappointed and disconnected I feel right now. But how do I do this without leaning forward and seeming needy?

    Am I wrong to feel like this? Originally I let it go cuz I thought that maybe out of respect for his mom that he felt he should ask her first before asking me. And he seemed really disappointed about having to go and miss out on a wknd with me but he didn’t want to disappoint his mom. That’s when he said to me “Well, how do you feel about Tennessee?” But now nothing.

    Any thoughts would be appreciated.



  60.  #60Dancing Siren on May 24, 2013 at 5:53 am

    I am feeling unwell today.

    And a bit out of sorts.



  61.  #61Elsie on May 24, 2013 at 6:42 am

    @36 FW – Thank you…..but how can I *know* its not about me? I just feel like its odd that he wouldnt want to meet my friend. Its so confusing to me. Its not a new relationship here. Also, he even emailed her last year to get ideas for my birthday. So, I just am confused. Please help me understand.

    @37 Indigo – I know you think these are negative voices and they probably are – but how do you know the difference? I dont want to just chalk up my gut instinct on something and just say – oh, those are negative voices. Its true he does so much for me and I really do believe he loves me. But why wouldnt he just want to meet a friend when he drops something off for me – its not like I”m planning a double date or a vacation with her and her husband LOL…..HELP.

    @Heart – You are right. I do downward sprial and I TOTALLY micro analyze everything. Wow – you have be pegged. Seriously. You cracked me up with the alien thing and the sex change thing LOL. I laughed out loud. Ok – I dont think he is losing interest. Maybe he feels its a step that makes it more serious – but goodness its been over a year that we have been together, there is no rushing here.

    I am hung up on him and I do freak out over little stuff. I guess I just dont want to put my heart out there – even though I already have.

    Its so scary to risk so much and know that you can be hurt, so I guess I look for it so that I can defend myself.

    I just dont UNDERSTAND it. And I want to.

    So my question is – do I totally let this go? Do I not ask for his help next week?

    Or – do I say next week, “hey, if you still want to help me get that stuff I would appreciate it” and see what he says?

    Or – do I say “Hey help me understand why you dont want to meet my friend?”

    Or – do I ask him for help and if he says that he is uncomfortable THEN ask him why?

    Help. I just dont know what to do. I just have thought about this *way* too much but I truly and honestly DONT understand why he wouldnt want to meet a friend of mine. I still feel really rejected.



  62.  #62ruth on May 24, 2013 at 6:53 am

    Elsie

    Easier said than done, I kn ow, but could you try to stop thinking about *any* of it and just do something nice for you



  63.  #63IamHis on May 24, 2013 at 7:14 am

    had a rough session with my counselor last night.

    I’m struggling with feelings of worthlessness.
    I feel ugly, unlovable, awkward, crazy, mousy, messy, shameful, humiliated.

    There are these rare, precious moments when I feel seen as the real “me.”

    but even “she” doesn’t feel good enough.
    “she” is always rejected.

    and she feels guilty for rejectING.

    I have to ask for help, and I hate asking for help.

    I question my sanity all the time, because I can never tell if/when men are interested in me, and I REALLY freak out when they really are and actually DO something about it…

    Most of the time I push them away, put up walls, literally run away…

    I feel like I’ve grown socially inept, and that’s humiliating.

    This guy was talking to me and for some reason, I completely freaked out.

    I wanted to run away.

    I feel so panicky when guys get physically close to me.

    It makes me want to lash out and hurt them.

    I assume that they are evil, wretched people just looking to toy with me, or take something from me and then LEAVE.

    I don’t understand why they want to be so close to me and touch me.

    I don’t know what they want from me.

    I feel repulsive…

    I feel too fat for other men…

    I don’t understand why men stare at me…

    and I feel like someone on here is going to tell me I’m imagining it….

    I hate men who want me and I hate the ones that I want that don’t want me…

    I feel like I hate men…

    I miss having guy friends…

    but I don’t really have any anymore, and honestly, I don’t trust men anymore at all…

    unless they are younger than me and I literally watched them grow up…

    I feel like a freak, because I haven’t even really CARED about that many men.

    It’s so rare for me to “feel something” about a man.

    This one guy had a controlling father.
    I have a controlling mother.
    I loved that guy with the controlling father…

    Talking to this other guy, his grandfather was an abusive jerk, and my grandfather was an abusive jerk and we didn’t get to talk more about it before moving on to another subject….

    I feel so sad. I’m tired of literally running away from men.

    I cried in therapy last night.

    It’s rare that men I’m attracted to are attracted to me too

    and I RUIN IT ON PURPOSE BECAUSE I FEEL WRETCHED AND UNWORTHY AND TERRIFIED…

    why should you have the privilage of seeing me shake if you’re too under-developed to understand what it means?

    I hate your simplicity and your small mind and your small heart and everything that’s small about you…

    I hate that I feel bigger, braver, and stronger than you.

    I’m a woman.
    It shouldn’t be that way…

    I can feel myself throwing up walls. If I don’t defend and protect myself, no one else will. You can’t depend on a man to defend and protect you…



  64.  #64IamHis on May 24, 2013 at 7:15 am

    I went into moderation and I don’t understand why. I feel sad and shameful.



  65.  #65IamHis on May 24, 2013 at 7:16 am

    oh, it’s because I used the word “ev1l.” I forgot about that one…



  66.  #66Mercedes on May 24, 2013 at 7:27 am

    Elsie: Could you say “I sense you are feeling very uncomfortable about the prospect of meeting my friend. Why?”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  67.  #67Indigo on May 24, 2013 at 7:29 am

    Elsie,

    What ruth said in 62 was exactly what I was going to suggest. You have no way of knowing what his real reason is, even if you do ask him.

    Truth is, we don’t really know why he reacted the way he did when you asked him. To assume it was rejection is just, well, silly. Sorry LOL 🙂 yet it is.

    If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that a man’s immediate reaction and words in a situation like that don’t really mean a whole lot. Do you really need to react to it? Or could you lay back and observe how he acts?

    No, you don’t want to be ignoring your intuition or gut, yet the way we react to that information has to be seriously modified for a man.



  68.  #68BeLoved on May 24, 2013 at 7:29 am

    Elsie

    I feel baffled and bewildered because you have such an amazing personality, I wonder why on earth would you be exclusive with this one guy who is still married to someone else, isn’t making alone time with you and leaves you starved for attention?

    I realize it wasn’t that way in the beginning, but it’s that way now. Aren’t you still in the process of divorce? And rockin’ a hot new bod that you’ve worked really hard for? Is there any reason to stay exclusive with him? I feel all mother hen and want to shoo you out the door to get out and have some FUN 🙂



  69.  #69Sassy on May 24, 2013 at 7:29 am

    Andrea, I want to be just like you when I grow up. You rock!

    Tereana, this was only your second date with him? Why are you talking about s/x and getting so deep into things with him that possibly had the potential to overwhelm him and obviously overwhelmed you? I have followed your postings for a while now and it appears that you may jump right into having s/x too quickly and end up being in imaginary relationships.
    I’m not trying to be harsh, trust me, I’ve been in your shoes wayyyyy too often. I have (finally) learned a few things. One is that men will tell you whatever it is they think you want to hear to get you into their bed as quickly as possible, and two, the minute you allow that to happen too quickly, you are no longer the prize.

    Starla, if you’re still reading here, I miss you, and Tam, and Bloom-ing and Calypso, and so many others!

    Hi Ruth, nice to hear from you. I’ve missed you also!



  70.  #70Indigo on May 24, 2013 at 7:32 am

    Sorry Elsie, by the way, I’m not saying you shouldn’t say anything, just don’t say anything with the assumption that he is rejecting you?



  71.  #71MovingMagic on May 24, 2013 at 7:36 am

    Elsie, how long have you two been seeing each other? I tend to wait a while before introducing men to my friends. My friends are pretty sacred to me. 🙂 Everyones timeline can be different with these things.



  72.  #72Liquid Light on May 24, 2013 at 8:07 am

    @Mercedes 65 Yes, I like that! Cuts through everything but its not blaming!



  73.  #73Daria on May 24, 2013 at 8:14 am

    to day i woke up feeling sad, maybe it was taking that big does of Skullcap nerve tincture

    or maybe it was dreams weren’t too great

    or maybe it was going to bed full

    or …

    maybe its really actually and really related to not hearing from bookieguy yet, tho i have missed calls last nite from 19man who reminds me of him in spirit

    i feel sad! or frustrated

    i feel this dejected feeling

    am i hormone crashing?

    my head felt all stuffy

    i usually wake up feeling great

    so

    it might be related to nutritional stuff rather



  74.  #74Daria on May 24, 2013 at 8:17 am

    today i want to do T-tapp



  75.  #75Daria on May 24, 2013 at 8:28 am

    also i feel like the supply of actual 100% real daters has dwindeled…

    maybe cuz of me putting effort into going to see Securityman=bookieguy or driving to meet my date/friend yesterday at the train station

    pff

    i actually feel sad

    and also tired in my body from driving (i have a stick with heavy pedals go cart style, racing seats and totally uncomfy)

    pfff

    and i feel like a grasp fear at my heart about meeting new men, as i’m concerned ill be radiated by their phones and i feel shy/embarassed asking them to put it on airplane

    tho they have



  76.  #76LoveAlways on May 24, 2013 at 8:31 am

    Hi Sirens.

    Well my man rubberbanded again. I felt him pulling away and I leaned back. He was talking to his ex a lot and next thing I know he is with her again. I had started CDing just in general, but now I have dates lined up for the weekend with CD song and CD Dj and CD army next week. I do feel that he may end up back in my rotation in a few weeks, but I’m taking the seven steps seriously now.

    I’m hurting again – it feels bad to be lied to, but I’m not in the pits like I was last time. I can accept the pain and take it with me this time because this is his loss and he knows it.

    I feel a throbbing numbness. I can’t think as far as tomorrow, tonight or even this afternoon, but I know it’s going to be good for me, every minute of it.

    I realized that keeping the focus on myself includes those rough moments when you feel down. My down in the pits feelings have to be about ME not him or any other man for that matter.

    I’m taking this time as a break from the (make believe?) relationship. I want to be with another man for the experience. I want to feel another man. It feels brash to say that and brash feels good on my lips like cold soda on my lips on a hot day. I feel like I was missing something s3xually and I want to experience that, and this is my opportunity to do it.

    So today marks day one of thirty days of no contact!! I’m going to try to blog each day, or if anything keep a journal about the thirty days. I’m doing more than leaning back . . . I’m CDing hard core, like a black belt. And there will be no contact – no phone, no email, no facebook, nothing.

    And I need to take better care of me again. Nothing dramatic, just a few small touches in my routine to optimize my health. A few tweeks to the beauty routine, Just like in Targeting Mr. Right. And I want to get softer. I feel so much power in softness right now.

    I have new boundaries now and I feel scared about them. I’m going to go spend a few minutes with these feelings and explore them a bit more.

    HHHHHUUUUUGGGGSSSS to me



  77.  #77Sirana on May 24, 2013 at 8:35 am

    LoveAlways – You sound brave and determined.



  78.  #78Liquid Light on May 24, 2013 at 8:40 am

    @Elsie

    In my book, I would be concerned about this too. If I’d been dating someone for that long and he didn’t want to meet my friends, it would feel like a red flag. Def something to keep an eye on but why wouldn’t someone I’m close to want to meet my friends? That would feel bad to me. I’d be getting myself out there and cding like crazy. Keep in mind though that this is generally my MO: at the first signs of “this doesn’t feel right”, I bale and start looking for other options 😉



  79.  #79LoveAlways on May 24, 2013 at 8:48 am

    Thanks Sirana – I feel like staying in my feelings and not falling apart over this, just taking those trips into the pits.

    I’m journaling my feelings because they flow like waves right now. I’m writing to him but he will never read them or hear the words. just me and my feelings trying to make it to the next 10 minutes of life – breathing, feeling, breathing, feeling and I feel grateful for this.



  80.  #80Liquid Light on May 24, 2013 at 8:53 am

    (((((LoveAlways)))))

    I can relate, I’ve been feeling in the pits a lot recently too. I’m feeling much better today though. It will get better! 🙂



  81.  #81Linda on May 24, 2013 at 8:59 am

    purple #59

    I wonder, are you in the relationship exclusive relationship?

    If you are and he is not including you in his plans I would question him as to why he is not? I would not even hesitate to let him know exactly how I was feeling.

    Do you feel afraid to confront this with him? If so why?…. just questions I had when I read your post



  82.  #82Andrea on May 24, 2013 at 9:04 am

    @ LoveAlways…

    I so resonate with your post. The first day of no contact was so hard for me.
    I did the same thing that you are doing. I journaled in a letter to him. Knowing he will never read it. It was just all the words that I would have tried to say to him if I’d been the one reaching out.
    The first two weeks were full of blame and pain and hatred toward him for putting me through all of this.. (hah!)
    The next week was grace, forgiveness, the evidence of this blog and Rori’s ebook and my meditations and learning.
    The next week the letters to him started trickling down to hardly to or about him at all.
    And now… I’ve rarely updated it.

    He is still in the periphery of my life. I’m still learning so much from my dance with him. But the change in me is that he is no longer the focus. I’m not longer riding a roller coaster of emotion because of things I percieve he is doing, saying, acting…

    I’m out of the tornado and calmly sitting in the sunshine drinking a mojito and enjoying my girlfriends, other men who are flirting with me, and this new feeling called something like…. emotional intelligence.. or emotional control.

    I am not only loving myself but I kind a really like ME too. I think I’m kinda neat!!

    All this to say… Yes!!! You go girl!!! Journaling really worked for me. Instead of calling him, I’d feel all the feelings I was feeling then I’d write “him” in my journal. Then.. leave it there.



  83.  #83Linda on May 24, 2013 at 9:07 am

    I am one whole year away from when my last relationship ended. I am amazed at how different my life is now.

    It feels soooo much better. YEAH!



  84.  #84Veronica on May 24, 2013 at 9:07 am

    I’ve been noticing that I’m avoiding being in the present moment when I’m by myself. I feel sad about this. I want to have fun exploring my feminine side and I can’t quite get into it. I’ve also noticed that I do a lot of masculine type stuff during the day which actually turns me off because there’s too much of it. I’m not fully getting into what I’m doing – it’s as though the experiences I want to have I somehow turn into masculine type activities. It’s as if I or my body just can’t relax. Maybe I should turn off my ticking clock during the day. And get some things around me that only call on my senses and not my mind. And maybe not eat so much protein? I am listening to awesome music and that seems to put me in another place – as in let me sink and just be a hedonist for a while. I can feel my hand turn into a fist when I read this : (



  85.  #85prplpsn28 on May 24, 2013 at 9:15 am

    @Linda….yes we are exclusive. 20 months now. We had some difficulties but I leaned way back and things have been really good lately. He did kinda mention me going with but then it wasn’t brought up again. I would like to ask him about it I just don’t want to do it in a way that is leaning forward and seeming needy.



  86.  #86Andrea on May 24, 2013 at 9:33 am

    By the way; May I ask for some feedback?

    Would a siren respond… or… How would a siren respond to text messages from one year relationship guy which I’m Wayyyyy leaning back on in which he sends pictures.. just pictures, no words.

    For the past two mornings at around 4 am, I’ve recieved texts from him that are pictures that he took when we went on dates over the last year. Four pictures of different dates we had gone on.

    I’m feeling hesitant to respond at all, so I guess I just put these text messages on the back burner and go on with my life.

    Since nothing more has come to me…. I’m guessing that that is the best response so far for me. But I’m still perplexed. I don’t want to ignore him, but I don’t know what to say.

    And this is the only contact I’ve had with him since last week when I walked out of his house after an exhausting and failed attempt at “explaining” things. ugh… So it’s been about 6 days since we’ve even talked.



  87.  #87Mel on May 24, 2013 at 9:35 am

    purple,

    Can you turn it all around for yourself?

    Errrrr…. feeling pouty. no kids. sooooo wanted to go on a little trip. why didn’t he take me???!!!!! feeling left out….. feeling ‘unthought of’….grrrrrr

    Wait a second! No kids this weekend! I can do whatever I want! I can rejuvenate. I don’t have to feel responsible for anyone but myself.

    Hey….. I can even GO somewhere! I don’t want to be ‘left behind’… travel feels good. A change of scenery feels tingly for the senses. I could go with a friend for a spontaneous girls’ weekend! OR I could just jump in the car and head wherever my heart wanted to lead me. Maybe I’d pack. Maybe pack nothing and go SHOPPING… Oh yes, If I “forget” to pack clothes, I NEED new ones! 😉 Oh boy, this will be F-U-N!

    And then when he gets home and asks how your weekend was say: OMG! I feel sooooo relaxed. I felt this incredible urge to get out of my surroundings this weekend so I just jumped in my car and had absolutely NO plans, and that felt sooooo exhilarating and free. And I felt like _____ when I discovered XYZ… and…

    And he’ll be like: wow. This woman knows how to feel happy. She’s not depending on ME to make her feel happy…. But I need to do a better job of having her equate ME with HAPPY or someone else will beat me to it!



  88.  #88Rori Raye on May 24, 2013 at 9:36 am

    IAmHis – Don’t know how you ended up in moderation – sorry – AND it gives me an opportunity to say how awesome I think you are…just even from this comment.
    Just because we “feel” something doesn’t mean it MEANS ANYTHING. It doesn’t make it true, or important, or “key” or even something that needs to be “dealt with!”

    All a feeling is is a “clue.” It’s information. When you feel hard and resistant – you know there’s something deeper, so you sink and breathe. When you feel soft and pliable and yet in pain – you know there’s a thought going on somewhere that “this” feeling “means” pain.

    The way out of this is a spiritual philosophy that allows you to feel better. Nothing is “true” – because we know nothing. In my book – our experience is about clues and information and discovery. And there’s something bigger and deeper that’s about peace and contentment and feeling good and okay with ourselves and being happy being alive and simply having this experience.

    It’s all in the attitude, in what we believe.

    Please – fall in love with your walls. Fall in love with your “hate.” It’s the only way to move through them with the grace that is essentially you, and untouchable by all experience. Apply love to everything.

    Love, Rori



  89.  #89Sirana on May 24, 2013 at 9:38 am

    Mel #87- That was awesome advice!



  90.  #90Mel on May 24, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Andrea,

    How do you feel about responding? Do you want to even? If not, don’t.

    If you do… how about a FM about one of the photos?

    “Oh yeah… I remember how humid the air was and how I could almost feel the salty air in my lungs that night on the beach… :)”



  91.  #91prplpsn28 on May 24, 2013 at 10:00 am

    @ Mel 87 – I totally get what your saying. I have no intention of sitting around pouting this wknd. As a matter of fact I’ve already been in contact with several friends and have plans made to get together with them. It’s just that we’ve been together long enough and I’ve been around his family and know his mom. I don’t know what has prevented him from asking me to go with. Especially when he brought it up and made it sound like it could be a possibility. It just bothers me. I will have an awesome wknd regardless tho.



  92.  #92Elsie on May 24, 2013 at 10:06 am

    Rori.

    You just made me cry.

    Thank you.

    Just because we “feel” something doesn’t mean it MEANS ANYTHING. It doesn’t make it true, or important, or “key” or even something that needs to be “dealt with!”

    All a feeling is is a “clue.” It’s information. When you feel hard and resistant – you know there’s something deeper, so you sink and breathe. When you feel soft and pliable and yet in pain – you know there’s a thought going on somewhere that “this” feeling “means” pain.

    The way out of this is a spiritual philosophy that allows you to feel better. Nothing is “true” – because we know nothing. In my book – our experience is about clues and information and discovery. And there’s something bigger and deeper that’s about peace and contentment and feeling good and okay with ourselves and being happy being alive and simply having this experience.

    It’s all in the attitude, in what we believe.

    Thank you. Thank you. A million times. Seriously. Thank you. I couldnt have needed to hear anything more today. Thank you.



  93.  #93IamHis on May 24, 2013 at 10:12 am

    @88 Rori – Wow, I feel moved. Thank you so much. I feel so curious about “nothing is true.”

    I believe that on one level, I think…

    but on another level…

    nothing is true CAN’T be true, because if you say nothing is true, then that is a statement of TRUTH in and of itself…

    Thank you for your comforting words.

    I’m currently working with my counselor on labeling my false perceptions.

    I wish I had my counseling notebook with me, but I don’t…



  94.  #94Mel on May 24, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Purple,

    Good. 🙂 I feel happy to hear that you’ve got some fun plans.

    The truth is, none of us will ever know WHY a man does or doesn’t do something. All we can really do is choose for ourselves if we are okay with it.

    Personally, if stuff keeps coming up with a man over and over for me…. I have to decide one of two things.

    1) Accept that it’s the way he wants to be, let it go and carry on with him. Be happy and stop trying to change him or wishing he would change.

    or

    2) Explore other options that might make me feel happier.

    A combination of the 2 also works even better!



  95.  #95IamHis on May 24, 2013 at 10:15 am

    there’s something bigger and deeper that’s about peace and contentment and feeling good and okay with ourselves and being happy being alive and simply having this experience.

    “…having this experience…”

    Life is an experience.

    Wow.



  96.  #96Linda on May 24, 2013 at 10:36 am

    Mel — you rock ! (#94)

    I could have not said it better myself!



  97.  #97Linda on May 24, 2013 at 10:37 am

    Love the black and whiteness of that comment!

    Considering our happiness… first then make a decision.

    YES!



  98.  #98Mercedes on May 24, 2013 at 10:56 am

    Andrea: I think I might have missed something. Why would you want to communicate AT ALL with a man who sends you pictures of his dates? I don’t get that. I mean, I get it if he’s just a friend and you’re good with staying just friends (friends send friends pictures of their dates all the time) but if you’re interested in him romantically, why would you put up with that?

    My words would be something along the lines of: I’m not interested in receiving these pictures. Please remove me from your distribution list.”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  99.  #99Femininewoman on May 24, 2013 at 11:03 am

    prplpsn – Are you being honest with yourself?

    “It just bothers me. I will have an awesome wknd regardless tho” – If it wasn’t bothering you your emotions would not be spilling out. For all you know it could be an unconscious man trap to see if you could be okay on your own just in case he is not there. As this keeps coming up I can’t help wonder if it is the Universe/love giving you a chance here to learn a lesson and choose to heal. I believe men want strong, independent women. They need to know that their kids would be safe with you in the event something happens to them. I believe it is wired in their genes to test for the survival skills.

    Being okay with him going only with his mom so he can focus on taking care of her could calm his doubts about you if he has any. Maybe these are your abandonment issues? I dunno but if I were you I would use the opportunity to raise my awareness.



  100.  #100Daria on May 24, 2013 at 11:06 am

    wow so i figured out what was up with me feelikng like that…

    and i dont think i mentioned it (nope)

    it was taking a lot of digestive enzymes yesterday!

    and i now remember another time i took many at once and felt congested in my armpit and hot and achy in my breasts!

    and i healed it now by rubbing my breasts round up and out in teh shower – 90 times

    now they feel clear and so does my armopit and i feel LOVELY

    and i also brushed my hair

    and then fell to my knees and cried aobut bookie

    well the dream i had of him being my king and husband and stuff



  101.  #101Femininewoman on May 24, 2013 at 11:09 am

    Iamhis – I can’t reading your response to Rori triggered the “now we see through a glass darkly” quote which in my mind suggests the same that Rori is saying.



  102.  #102seahorse on May 24, 2013 at 11:10 am

    I felt so flowingly pleased in reading the post and then reading all the sirens I feel like I was looking for a ray of sunshine and got the whole sunshine enchilada!!!!! Winner winner chicken dinner!!!

    Life is an experience………………. All of it. Everything everyday everywhere every moment every boo boo inside and out every soul you come across in every moment………………. on my knees with my clean plate held up to heaven “THANK YOU!!!! I’ll have some more please!!!! Know why? Because I LOVE IT!! To be here and breathing and all the lovely humans around and DOGS! I love dogs, all animals really. Even porcupines:)

    I feel happy and I feel full from eating three apples………Thank you Feminine Woman!!!!!

    I love EVERYTHING because I’m here…….. or there or everywhere all at one time:)



  103.  #103seahorse on May 24, 2013 at 11:13 am

    My dog is now standing next to me wagging her tail!!! She’s KNOWS!!!!!!! HAhaahahahahaa!!!!!



  104.  #104Femininewoman on May 24, 2013 at 11:15 am

    I actually love this “Nothing is “true” – because we know nothing.” If we knew there would be no space for learning, no space for creativity. We would be that higher intellingence or whatever it is.



  105.  #105Femininewoman on May 24, 2013 at 11:22 am

    Linda I feel really bothered by your 81 to prplpsn. Asking him why he is choosing to do what he chooses to do feels disrespectful to me and I am wondering why would you encourage another women to confront a man about living the way he chooses. All kinds of things are rushing through my mind but I will refrain.



  106.  #106Linda on May 24, 2013 at 11:27 am

    mercedes.. the pictures Andrea is getting are pictures of dates the two of them had together in the past. not of current ones with others.



  107.  #107Femininewoman on May 24, 2013 at 11:30 am

    Elsie if he did not say he did not want to meet her then you are making up a story.

    “But, then I asked him to bring something by the house next week, and I said – oh you will get to meet my friend and he hasnt really met any of my friends yet. And he got all weird on me. He said….ohh….well, I dont know. And I said, well, why wouldnt you want to meet her? And he just got really nervous like, and said….ohhh…welll, I dont know about that…..”

    For all you know he might not be able to bring the thing over or he might be thinking to bring it early and it crossed his mind that if he does he might miss her. If that is the case then I can see him hesitating to suggest anything in fear of your reaction.

    The other thing is did he agree to bring the thing over?



  108.  #108Smile on May 24, 2013 at 11:32 am

    Andrea, I would send a simple smiley face if I wanted to respond.



  109.  #109Smile on May 24, 2013 at 11:39 am

    Tonight I’m falling in love with my tired body. I’m loving myself. Life is busy so I’m just stopping. I feel peaceful and at ease turning down social plans to just simply spend time with myself and to be still 🙂



  110.  #110Mercedes on May 24, 2013 at 11:47 am

    Linda: Thank you! I DID miss something! lol I was shocked! haha! 🙂 I was gonna go bat crazy on this man too. lol

    Ok…so now I have no words for him except: “Thank you…ummm….???”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  111.  #111Veronica on May 24, 2013 at 11:48 am

    hmm feeling anxiety about myself – shaky a bit, really don’t want to be alone with myself. I don’t want myself to be with other people. Stuck. I’m frustrated with still feeling connected to BM – how do I make that good? All this pain and anger and stuckness so that I remember in the future: not this way! I’m so scared too – so many big decisions have to be made and I feel so unsettled. I hope some good comes out of it – like a new me. More of new me.

    I’m closing into myself – I don’t want to share with anyone how I’m feeling – I’m so tired of the rejection – having too much attachment to BM. It’s like I can’t seem to register that it’s just friendship and a pretty weak one at that. All I’m doing is agonising over crumbs. Ugh feeling tired. But I’ve done this before – this agonising. It’s like I’m so scared that I’ll make a mistake that I’d rather suffer for a long time than give up. That if I make a mistake that there’s also no going back, no forgiveness.



  112.  #112Femininewoman on May 24, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    ((((LoveAlways)))))))



  113.  #113seahorse on May 24, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    Veronica- I am remembering a flowering plant that is called ‘Sweet Veronica”…….lovely and with a deep green and the most perfect purple flowers. I am smiling as I remember that………………. and now I also smile as to the initials you gave him…………. BM! And while he might be a perfectly nice guy, that is giving me the giggles:)

    I feel very in touch with you when you wrote,’More of new me”, I feel that very same thing. It’s changing though, into………… I was always there,ALL of ME, always………… i am thinking now that I had to slow down and let ME catch up. I love slow. It feels so much more peaceful and relaxing. Big hugs sweet Veronica:)



  114.  #114Millie on May 24, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    @Sassy 69 and sirens,

    I felt triggered by your comment:

    “men will tell you whatever it is they think you want to hear to get you into their bed as quickly as possible, and two, the minute you allow that to happen too quickly, you are no longer the prize.”

    This is a concept that has always confused me, left me feeling angry, and doesn’t align with who I am. I feels reminiscent of the age old concept that woman is valued for her virginity and once that is gone she has no worth. I know that is a dramatic comparison, but it feels along those same lines to me. I am a very sexual person, I love my sexuality, and sometimes I have sex for no other reason than..I want to. I’m sure a lot of women may disagree with me, but I feel uncomfortable with tying sex to my worth, to my being a “prize.” I don’t want sex to be a man’s goal, I want experiencing me in all facets to be the goal. I feel uncomfortable withholding sex to increase the idea of me being a prize. I want to be a prize no matter if I sleep with him on the second date or the tenth.

    Any thoughts on this ladies?

    Also–I know and agree that some men are just trying to get into your pants (most of the time they are not shy about that intention) but not ALL. I want to have faith in men, I want to trust them, this notion makes me feel like I should always be doubting their intentions.

    I feel it’s important for a woman to have her own timeline of when she feels comfortable doing things in response to how the relationship is developing. In Tereana’s case–I agree with you, it sounds like sex is being discussed too soon for what Tereana is comfortable with.



  115.  #115Millie on May 24, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    @LoveAlways 76

    I feel so elated for you!!
    This is great that you are being a “black belt” and taking care of yourself. My joy for this far outweighs my sorrow for losing the man. You have inspired me–I feel like stepping up for myself as well!
    xoxo



  116.  #116Linda on May 24, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    FW… I asked if they were in an exclusive relationship

    I dont see it as being confrontive or off base asking the man “in” our life questions. Men in general that we are just dating casually.. it would be totally inappropriate.



  117.  #117MovingMagic on May 24, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    My intention is to fill my life with inspiring, warm, feel good experiences…so much so, that anything extra is just icing on the cake. I love the “turn it around tool”.



  118.  #118Millie on May 24, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    @Andrea 86

    I don’t know if this is overanalyzing, or if this is too assuming–but if it were me receiving those picture texts at 4am…I would perceive them to be an outlet for him to express something without my response. I’ve noticed for myself in the past, if I sent a text at an odd hour where the person is most likely asleep and the chance of them responding is zero, that deep down I’m not looking for a response, I’m looking to express something. It might be his way of remembering something he has lost. As you say, you’ve “exhausted” talking about the relationship. Perhaps there is nothing more to say, so he sends pictures….but then again none of us can really really know what is in his head.

    From what I’ve read, it seems like you’ve learned so many lessons about yourself from this man that you are leaving him with so much more than if you had stayed with him. I support riding on your horse into the horizon and continuing on your journey…
    xo



  119.  #119Femininewoman on May 24, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    I dont see it as being confrontive – you used the word “confront” him Linda. Also I believe it depends on how the question is asked and when. It felt disrespectful, to me, the way it was presented. Even in an exclusive relationship, be it marriage or otherwise, I don’t believe I own a man or he owns me. As such I find it difficult to think about someone owing an explanation or answer as that is how I experience it if I am going to confront him. It feels ultimatum-ish to me. Just because you are in an exclusive relationship with a man it means that he automatically has to include you in his plans if he is travelling or because you are free? mmmmm I wonder



  120.  #120Femininewoman on May 24, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    prplpsn – I don’t feel it is my place to question him about it.

    I don’t think it is, is my humble opinion. He might not have enough money to afford it. It might be his mom or sibling who is paying for him. He might be too embarrassed to admit that he has financial difficulties.

    If he is driving he might not be wanting to drive long distance with two women. He might be thinking it might bother you to be with his mom all the way. He might be bothered about something related to her and don’t want to burden you with the knowledge.

    It could be any number of things. One thing I would choose to do, is believe that he has a very good reason for his choice. The other thing is we have our bodies that could communicate also. Maybe showing disappointment, sadness might send the message clearer than any word could.



  121.  #121Femininewoman on May 24, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    Re the pics Andrea – I would take it as him missing me and wanting to check that I am still *there*. I am not sure you “need” respond to him or that he would think that you are “ignoring” him. I believe we go there when we are in imaginary relationships. I do believe he will call you when he is ready to talk. He knows what you want and need to make you happy.

    It is human behavior to want what we don’t have.
    The more you move away the more he move towards you. He is rebalancing the energy exchange. I believe in the last update you were sending energy towards him (tipped the wrong way) in all kinds of different ways. So it might have pushed him almost out of the relationship bubble. I dunno, it seems to me your attraction factor has been amped up with your degree of difficulty. He sent you pictures he did not ask you to do anything.



  122.  #122Dominique on May 24, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    Andres – 43- How awesome. Yay you!!!

    xxoo



  123.  #123Dominique on May 24, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    Elsie – 61 – And how can you know that it is about you? Trying to get into his head is not helping you. It’s never useful.

    He has his reasons about which you may never know. I would suggest letting it go, but if you can’t, try this – It feels weird/uncomfortable/confusing that my man seems to not want to meet my friend. I don’t want to feel this way with you. Can you help me understand?

    xxoo



  124.  #124R.N.AmazingMe on May 24, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    hello siren island!! it has been a long time since I have even stopped in to check on you all and all your life events, I thought about it and was like I am taking for granted that i can just pop in anytime and gain from your experiences and advice. I was like wow, AmazingMe that is selfish,right? So in great news I have missed you all and your growth makes me smile as in the journey we all call life I have grown with you. I am still me as mentioned above but more in touch and was forced to slow down and understand me, my actions, thoughts, sadness, anger, hurt, betrayal. I was done wrong and was not about to slow down to get hurt and waste more time in my life. Well when I guess I was having this life changing experience through the last few years, I felt mad and that I was being forced to be someone I wasnt or maybe I chose to be a certain way to control the outcome. well the great part is though it was probably the most painful life altering experience that gradually ended in AmazingMe..thats me..haha. It brought me to the present a more greatful, less selfish, more selfish when it comes to my own feelings and more aware ofwho I really am and want to be in life and how the flock of birds meant nothing to me before but now I focus on much detail and beauty in each feather that makes the bird special. I love that when I walk into a place people look and I have this whole confident, happy, strong independent woman which is not affected by negative. People feel it I feel it when I am around others. I embrace my words with truth and honesty and really try to listen and hear others and how they cope as well as my coping skills to get along in this life with not just men but women. It started here, painful process because you have to bring out all that bad to find yourself, the good part you want to be and others wish they could find. This is not all peachy I do not trust people at all, the minute you do..BAM. Ha joke on you, betrayal is very scary to me.I do not want hurt but am learning to accept it as part of growth in life and try to use it as knowledge for coping in the future.I do not like to be rejected, who does? right!..but this also is a fact of life, not everyone has to like you or understand you, or agree with you.I do not have to convince someone i am amazing then this would not be the real AmazingMe. I learned so much from Rori over time and you here just warms my thoughts. I ;augh because i feel i write so cheezy and actually thought some were cheezy with words on here. at the end of the day a ball of cheese whatever,who cares,words of truth that have no intention that come from a real thought . Pretty Amazing. I havea lot of work to do with getting out and showing this woman in intimate light with a man. No attachment to outcomes has almost made me too laxed that I dont care to have to be the center of attention.I do not have to, go out and have a drunken screewww to feel wanted or loved. I am fulfilling it finally I feel it for real.I don’t need a mate, want maybe when time is right it will be. but my happiness is in my hands and not only can I type it, i feel it but i am scared i am almost too closed off. i love to hang at home and spend time with my kids and am happy with my life and love improving it day by day. Could it be bad though, is it just bitter and being closed off that brought me to being alone with myselfr in my life? Such fear i am surrounded with that i just stuff it wayyy down. All of that hurt, pain, rejection, emotional draining,I have built a mote around my castle and hold the thrown single handed…do I want to give that up?sometimes yes…but the fear overcomes the feeling. Sharing mylife sounds great but on my terms and I do not do anything but work in a psych hospital..no love there. Then lots of my kids love and laughter, i am content that is my fear of being too content alone,and to take a risk to go out on a date. Seems just not worth the hassle because I am not ignoring red flags one flag I am done. WHAT DO I DO??!!HOW DO I DROP THE WALLS SLOWLY WITHOUT BEING AT THE MERCY OF ANOTHER? SORRY TO RAMBLE BUT A LOT HAS HAPPENED IN THE LAST FEW MONTHS! TALK SOON



  125.  #125Femininewoman on May 24, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    Andrea I am wondering if your silence is your siren hypnotic effect on this man.



  126.  #126Dominique on May 24, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    Linda – 83 – And I feel awe at how YOU have changed.

    xxoo



  127.  #127Andrea on May 24, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    Thank you everyone for the feedback on those text message pictures that “one year relationship” guy was sending.

    I really Heard everyone and took it to heart. I went back to those pictures and let myself feel. I felt really wonderful. I remembered how happy I was in all of those pictures. I remembered how loved I felt when I was with him on those dates.

    So I did what Mel suggested and wrote a little feeling message to him. This is 3:40 pm now, so… a whole day after he sent the last picture. I wrote: “Oh G, I feel so close to you right now as I remember how shy and giddy I felt on that date. You had commented on my red sweater and I can still feel the soft fabric on my skin as you pulled me to you in that embrace. I felt so proud to be out with you. You wined me and dined me. I felt so loved, so taken care of by you.”

    He immediately texted back: “I remember that night warmly, it was and exceptional night. I am also having warm thoughts about last Friday night and how absolutely incredible that was. Wishing we could somehow re-live them.”

    Once more I’m at a loss for a response because I feel like we can’t relive them, but we can build upon them and move forward in a way in which BOTH of us are happy. But not unless HE calls me and asks me out. Right???????

    I love these happy memories, but I feel a frustration coming on because I feel like it’s left up to me to call him, to make the move, to take the action toward him. Sooooooooo ….. I’m not going to respond. I”m going to work out, then I’m going with my girlfriend to a blues fest, then tomorrow I have a date with a man who is taking me to a concert at the casino.

    Thank you all for that feedback. I have to say that I do feel like a hot siren, sensual and ready to play tonight, but that I’m feeling lovely and soft because my “G” is still thinking about me and I feel that perhaps there might still be something there, but I’m resolute in NOT making the first move, and NOT repeating my past mistakes cause I don’t want my past results.

    Thank God for This Blog and for Rori’s work. I’m so changed. I’m so much more at peace.



  128.  #128Femininewoman on May 24, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    “I remember that night warmly, it was and exceptional night. I am also having warm thoughts about last Friday night and how absolutely incredible that was. Wishing we could somehow re-live them.”

    Andrea my humble opinion is he did not ask for anything so there is nothing to give back. He is going through his emotional process.



  129.  #129Femininewoman on May 24, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    “I love these happy memories, but I feel a frustration coming” frustration because you are trying to control with strategies. You are thinking about how to create them again, trying to take his job.



  130.  #130prplpsn28 on May 24, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    Ok. H told me that he got “roped in” to taking his mom to Tennessee. He really didn’t want to go but everyone else had backed out and he didn’t want to let his mother down. Totally understand this. But…I am friends with H’s brother on fb and he just checked into a hotel in Nashville with his and H’s mom. No mention of H. So now I don’t even know at this point if he actually went to Tennessee or if he’s still in town. Haven’t heard from him all day. Is it really wrong for me to feel frustrated that he hasn’t let me know one way or another whether he went to Tennessee today or if he ended up staying home cuz his brother took her?? Feels disrespectful on his part to not have let me know one way or the other.



  131.  #131Femininewoman on May 24, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    prplpsn28 I can’t help but believe that there is a lot more going on than you are sharing or believing. This comment suggests, to me, that you are snooping on him for some reason and that he is a cheating liar, to be blunt.



  132.  #132Smile on May 24, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    I love being myself. Who else would I be?



  133.  #133Andrea on May 24, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    Aha!! yes Feminine Woman… I’m starting to see what you are seeing.

    So, he’s not saying… “Let’s relive them.” He’s just processing in his own way. He’s just sharing something with me. His wishes. His warm feelings. But he’s not trying to figure out how to relive them.

    And me… yes… still one foot in strategy mode… feeling like… Jeesh, if he would just FIGURE IT OUT we could be dating right now!!!! Instead of just enjoying the memories, hearing his sharing, going on with my life as it is….

    I feel peaceful right now. At peace with my decisions and plans for tonight and I feel a release toward my phone. I don’t need to continue to watch it, to see if maybe he will text or call. I feel relieved once more and back on track.

    Yes, just notice his sharing his emotional process, and notice my feelings, and no response necessary, just notice and live in the moment. And enjoy my time with girlfriends tonight.



  134.  #134sapphire on May 24, 2013 at 3:17 pm

    Hi
    Femininewomen thank you for your examples. That has made it much clearer for me. Now to practice. I also like Rori’s idea of journalling throughout the day to give me something to look back on
    Kind regards Sapphire x



  135.  #135Sassy on May 24, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    Millie, 114-
    I understand what you’re saying, a few related points in response…
    The “prize” reference is something that I see mentioned on this blog quite often, so I used that to align with the other sirens.
    Nowhere did I say ALL men will say what they want you to hear to get into your bed, that has also been said here as well as on other relationship sites.
    I am all for anyone having the choice of when, where, how, etc to have s/x. My problem comes in when women (myself included) have s/x too soon and then feel hurt, degraded, sad, mad, betrayed, whatever when they never hear from the guy again or he turns it into a FWB request.



  136.  #136Millie on May 24, 2013 at 3:46 pm

    Sassy,

    I hear what you are saying. I’m sorry I misinterpreted your points. I feel self-conscious sometimes writing comments on the blog. I feel like maybe what I have to say isn’t aligned with Siren-ness because I am still learning and practicing myself. I wonder if I am not in a position to be offering my perspective.



  137.  #137Millie on May 24, 2013 at 3:49 pm

    I love what Rori says in 88
    “Fall in love with your walls..”



  138.  #138Hana on May 24, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    Beautiful Sirens, I am feeling so confused and frustrated. I am not sure the shock of having Amir back in my life has passed yet, maybe a little, but now I am feeling resentment. We talked a little of the separation between us, and even though I understand a little of why it happened, if anyone remembers the story, here’s a recap, He was in love with me, I pushed him away not feeling worthy to be treated so well and well I wasn’t consciously aware of how much I was actually in love with him, I dated other people and treated him with very little respect. He finally gave up and left my life cold turkey, and nothing I did could have brought him back, he would always dance with me in the clubs and was clearly still attracted, but would not take it any further than the dance floor, this went on for 3 seasons until I finally said, I couldn’t do it anymore a month ago, and then last week out of the blue txted me and got back into things as if none of that time apart ever really happened. BUT, I don’t know what to do or how to handle the situation now? *deep breath* argh!

    Thanks ladies, I’m so confused :\



  139.  #139Sassy on May 24, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    Millie, no, that’s why we are all here. Have you looked into your feelings surrounding why this triggered you?

    Something I’ve been meaning to bring up lately is how incredibly difficult I find it to be able to talk out loud in feeling messages with men. I can do it all day long in texts and emails and somewhat with females.
    As recently as last week, I was with someone that I hadn’t seen in well over a year, and I don’t even remember thinking about checking in with my feelings. It’s so hard for me as I’ve never been able to even recognize them much less speak them. How lame is that!!! Ugh



  140.  #140Heart on May 24, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    Elsie – I would encourage you to try Rori’s Get Your Man back bootcamp…It’s somewhere on this site. If it was me, I would definitely try to put the focus back onto me. Some of the tools can really help with that…

    Today is the friend comment….tomorrow it will be something else. I’ve been there…obsessing about nothing…does he treat you badly or are you not loving yourself enough? If you’re not loving yourself enough and making yourself happy every thing he does can feel like rejection.

    I Would Encourage you to Communicate Nothing until you feel peaceful & happy (like in a few weeks then you can bring it up). For now make Getting Elsie Back your top priority.

    Trust me, when your back on you horse and living life….We ca all feel it on this blog.



  141.  #141Millie on May 24, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    Sassy,

    It’s complicated. I hear a lot of opinions and judgements about women and sex from both men and women. (Not necessarily here, but from many people in life who haven’t been exposed to Rori’s teaching.) Sometimes I feel like if I want to have sex, someone is right there telling me I shouldn’t for A,B,C reasons and If I don’t want sex for whatever reason, there is someone telling me why my reasoning is wrong. It makes me get kind of defensive. I just want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I also know that the voices in my head tend to judge me as well. I want to embody the siren-ness, but I feel pressured by own voices if I don’t follow what “I should do.” Sometimes what I want to do isn’t what I should do–I guess that is why I feel defensive and triggered, because I have my own little judgement war going on with myself at times. Does that make sense? Any thoughts?

    I agree with the feeling messages with men. I notice when it is natural for me to say it I will, but I forget to try to use them at a time where I wouldn’t normally.



  142.  #142Millie on May 24, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    @Sassy
    I do feel like I need to ask myself more questions on the matter, and sit deeper on this trigger….I would agree that more self-discovery is needed.



  143.  #143Femininewoman on May 24, 2013 at 4:42 pm

    Hana confused about what?



  144.  #144Sassy on May 24, 2013 at 4:52 pm

    Millie,

    We are always our own harshest critic/judge. I am a strong proponent in following your intuition/gut. In my opinion, it’s never wrong. (There have been others that have disagreed with that).
    I would suggest that when you are questioning your decision, whether its to have s/x or not, to take a step back, look for what your gut is telling you and really see how you feel about it. Especially if its a new lover. You and you alone are the only person in the world that can decide at any given time if the time is right. If you are hesitant to say no, ask yourself why. Do you fear that by saying no, he will disappear or poof? Look back on previous experiences and really try to see how you felt in different situations. This may bring you some clarity.



  145.  #145Andrea on May 24, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    Ohhhh man… epiphany time!! Okay, went jogging on this beautiful spring Friday and Femininewoman’s statement kept resting softly on my mind.

    “He did not ask for anything, so there is nothing to give back.”

    I let it roll down from my mind and enter my heart and suddenly I was crying soft tears of such RELIEF!! I felt “Wait a second! Do you mean to tell me that he was never asking for anything from me? That he didn’t need a response, or an acknowledgement, or a plan of action, or an affirmation? Are you trying to tell me that he was just wanting to share himself with me in the moment??????”

    I was stunned at the relief I felt. My shoulders were relaxed, my chest was light, my body wanted to fly. I felt so in love with this man who expressed such beautiful feelings to me.

    I felt so unburdened with this realization. You mean I don’t need to explain, justify, feel guilty, ignore, not ignore, respond, not respond. There is nothing I need to do!!??? !!! Huh????

    I feel closer to him than I’ve ever felt in my life and I don’t have to do anything about it. This is amazing. This is wonderful. He is not a burden to me, he is not a problem I need to solve, a puzzle I need to figure out, a pathway to a better life that I need to manipulate. He is just a guy who loves me.

    Then I realized, Oh my gosh….. and what if I could just share with him in a moment, without wanting anything from him, without needing him to respond, without needing him to affirm, to acknowledge etc… what If he could feel from me the open energy that I feel from him. Wow….

    So, my actions tonight will be no different from what they were going to be, but my feelings about tonight, about life, about me, about him, are so different.

    Jeesh!!! Thank you Feminine Woman. Jeesh!!! Thank you! I feel so refreshed and so rejuvenated. (sorry about the enthusiasm… : ) I’m sure the endorphins from the jog are affecting me as well. : )



  146.  #146Hana on May 24, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    FW, I’m confused about my resentment towards the seperation, the fact that it took him 7 months to come back to the way we were, even though it feels better now, more mature, and like we’re really dating, because in the past it was only him chasing me, we were very close though, best friends, best lovers, anyhow, I am just confused at how to handle the situation. Do I press to know why he was finally ready now? Even though it’s just obvious, he missed me and he wants me now, and it took him a while to realize?



  147.  #147Tulip on May 24, 2013 at 6:07 pm

    Jessie1000
    34
    ” I expect a good man to start out completely in love with me, progressing the relationship really fast instead of appreciating how love grows slowly, you cant speed that up and if you do, mistakes will be made …for sure…
    ha ha….”

    Thank you so much, the whole post resonated with me but I loved this!
    Men moving fast never works for me and yet I have still been craving it. One guy has been very slow yet consistent and very sweet, but I was missing being bowled over, thinking it was a requirement and he simply wasn’t interested otherwise and he just plods along little by little by little building it up veery slowly! I needed to hear your wisdom!!!! Xxx



  148.  #148Luzydel on May 24, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    Again other little things from the universe that cooperate together so something can happen…I wonder if it was all there and I didn’t see it before. I am more open now though, more calmed and relaxed and I can think quickly about stuff. This is not about men but things bout my life. With men I still have a block and things do not happen so easily yet… One thing at a time.



  149.  #149Olivia on May 24, 2013 at 7:27 pm

    @Elsie and Sirens

    I am a Chief Obsessor about dumb stuff. Obsessing about relationships, men, and whether I would ever have a child seriously damaged the usefulness of my very expensive education, and now my career is in jeopardy. True story. This is why I feel so passionate about these teachings, which along with therapy and meditation, have helped me start a new course in my life.

    The advice to “not think about it” has never helped me climb out of the well of shame, obsession, and inactivity. To me it’s like, “don’t think about pink elephants.”

    What I love about Rori and Dominque is that the obsessing is replaced with something, turning inward to ourselves and loving ourselves and sending love to our nasty thoughts and learning to *be* in the world differently.

    I know you know all this, Elsie. It feels good to “say” it out loud again here.

    Good vibes to everyone!



  150.  #150Heart on May 24, 2013 at 8:16 pm

    I justed deleted a couple of phone numbers off my phone of men I had one of two dates with….Wow…I feel good.



  151.  #151Millie on May 24, 2013 at 9:33 pm

    @Sassy,

    I actually have no problem saying no, when no is how I feel. I have never felt like I needed to have sex to keep a man. If he pressures me to do so, I become less attracted to him. For me, the issue comes not with new lovers, I usually feel my gut and desires are on the same page, but with an old lover. My mind and siren teachings tell me not to engage with him in friendship or sex because I should want more for myself and I have taught him that he doesn’t have to do much to enjoy me, however I sincerely enjoy his friendship and sexual offerings and while we both know that we are not compatible to build a future with, we care for each other and enjoy each others company. The voices in my head tell me that I shouldn’t want any of this at all. That I need to enforce no contact. The voices tell me that if I became a siren the possibility with him may be different, but I’m not sure that I want our relationship to be any different than it is. I also wonder that it is too late to change the dynamic between us. I enjoy him for what he is and the time we have, but am open to other men. Unfortunately, other men have yet to make me feel really interested. I saw him recently and was surprised at my feelings the next day. Usually I feel overwhelmed with love and glowing only to crash into the reality that we are not meant to be. This time I left feeling a little bored. When we see each other it’s great, but it is always the same. I didn’t feel emotionally charged like I used to, almost like when you’ve taken a drug too many times and it loses its effect. I realized, I love him as a person, but this is kinda boring now, which is totally new for me to feel. Kinda boring in the sense that it’s never going to go anywhere, it’s never going to change, (unless I change). The nights we have together are usually very indulgent and full of passion, followed by spans of time where we don’t talk. When I wrote that the voices in my head are sometimes at war, this is what I was referring to. I want “the relationship I want,” and the voices tell me that any time I spend with him is working against me, even if it does feel good while I’m there. I’m eating dessert instead of a long, sustaining meal.

    I feel scared, vulnerable and weak admitting this to all of you, it’s easy to dispense advice, but so hard to follow and live by it. I feel a bit of guilt- like I enjoy breaking the rules, it feels so good, but then I “punish” myself for knowing better, because I do know better! Hmmm…..despite it all…I love myself, for all my weirdness and inconsistencies!



  152.  #152Emerson on May 24, 2013 at 9:52 pm

    I feel proud of myself for eliminating an online prospect who showed me he does not respect boundaries. I expressed it to him and asked him to no longer contact me. I feel sick because he has my photos. That’s what I don’t like bout “putting myself out there”…. I feel so vulnerable to crazy people … He got aggressive at o w point saying I was playing games by not replying to his texts fast enough. Creep alert!!! Yuck!!

    I’m off the site again now. I had tried a new one but don’t like it.
    I’m still talking to exoticcd and I feel he is mirroring me in a certain way…
    Fear of being emotionally available ….



  153.  #153Emerson on May 24, 2013 at 9:59 pm

    Hi amazing me!!!



  154.  #154Emerson on May 24, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    I took a risk and opened up to exoticCD …he reacted warmly and said he is interested in me,, but we shall see if he puts actions to words …



  155.  #155Femininewoman on May 24, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    Hana I know exactly what you mean, having experienced it myself. The only thing was, by then I was bored and doubtful of his good intentions. I wondered why all of a sudden he was motivated and wanted to move things forward. I thought something must be wrong. Now that I have learned that men have an emotional process I would do things differently. As you are still attracted to him I would assume that these are your doubts, just wanting to sabotage things. If I ask any questions it would be with the intention to learn about his needs that might not have been met. To learn things that could deepen the connection and strengthen the bond. So it would only be out of curiosity and I would be prepared to really listen to understand.



  156.  #156Emerson on May 24, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    I am feeling like i am not progressing. I am spinning in a circle. I don’t know what to do to break out …



  157.  #157Daria on May 24, 2013 at 10:57 pm

    i miss being touched, i miss feeling big smily

    i miss feeling turned on with a man and feeling good about myself turning him on

    i feel sad

    i miss the heart turn on

    🙁

    look down to the side

    i feel drained thinking of communicating with some of the cds contacting me



  158.  #158Daria on May 24, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    theres still no prospects for exploring sexuality in a safe great heart feeling regular manner… its been like 5 years i feel numb



  159.  #159Daria on May 24, 2013 at 10:59 pm

    i’ve been looking for a man i can have more than once a week sex with for 5 years…



  160.  #160Daria on May 24, 2013 at 10:59 pm

    thought it could be bookie…

    but now i feel … isnecure



  161.  #161Daria on May 24, 2013 at 11:02 pm

    im focusing on me so can i get some results please



  162.  #162Daria on May 24, 2013 at 11:38 pm

    you musta been mine in another life…

    cuz i can remember the feeling of you…from the first time we met…

    you musta been there when my mother birthed…

    cuz i can feel the love of you… watching me

    why o why and how o how can i feel so …

    how o how and why o why are we still apart…

    i miss you…

    my hands miss your hands and i miss your touch i miss you…

    you were mine you were mine the energy is no denying …

    i want you to be there the whole way thru…

    why is it circumstantial… this time…

    i dont get whats wrong since you love me too

    i still dont know to make it right… help me…

    im crying im crying theres no denying

    u were mine in another life…

    and in this one im missing you…



  163.  #163Daria on May 24, 2013 at 11:41 pm

    iim fuc9ked upppp

    waaaaaahhhhhhh

    🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁



  164.  #164Daria on May 24, 2013 at 11:41 pm

    why did i risk my heart like this!!!! 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁

    waaaahhhhhhh



  165.  #165Daria on May 24, 2013 at 11:42 pm

    stupid stupid stupid

    i knew better



  166.  #166Daria on May 24, 2013 at 11:42 pm

    he told me he cant

    he couldnt before

    why is life cruel?



  167.  #167Daria on May 24, 2013 at 11:42 pm

    why cant the men i love take care of us?



  168.  #168Heart on May 25, 2013 at 12:24 am

    I deleted text messages from the guys that messaged me over the past 1.5 years.
    I feel kinda manless….reviewing the messages made me feel popular…like a desirable woman or something…now that I’ve deleted them I feel like…wow my phone is Unsexy…
    Why did I do that?!
    I don’t need text messages to feel desirable …the fact that I need such poof maybe unearths the belief that somewhere iside I feel I’m undesirable so I need proof or something…doesn’t matter …I feel bad now ….look at my bare text message folder…:(



  169.  #169Heart on May 25, 2013 at 12:35 am

    omg I want those text messages back…
    They were fun memories!
    I hate deleting stuff….but I feel free…like I just let go of various lesson and made some space in my world…
    for even better…

    It’s hard for me to let go of simple stuff….I’m a bit of a hoarder in some ways….



  170.  #170Smile on May 25, 2013 at 1:22 am

    Heart, I just did the same a few days ago, my empty folder soon filled up!
    Think about all the space you’ve created to be filled up with new fun messages :))



  171.  #171Smile on May 25, 2013 at 1:33 am

    Thinking about maintaining a high degree of difficulty when a guy says he’s got you.

    Amb said he’d ‘got me’ the other day. He was being relaxed around me and said I know I can do this now as I won’t put you off cos I’ve got you.

    I noticed my wall go up and I said in a fun lighthearted way that I wasn’t ‘got’ just yet. He hugged me and it was lovely.

    How great would it feel to have melted and said… Yeh, you got me 🙂
    But… I don’t feel like he’s got me as he’s still married. This was very consciously on the tip of my tongue.

    I want to be got but until he’s divorced can I feel like I’m got or do I risk being hurt?

    What do you think sirens?

    I love him and life’s wonderful 🙂



  172.  #172Smile on May 25, 2013 at 1:34 am

    Why do I think I’m going to be hurt? Hmm.



  173.  #173Smile on May 25, 2013 at 1:37 am

    In another way I love hearing that he thinks he’s got me as it means he can feel my loving and melting on him.



  174.  #174Heart on May 25, 2013 at 2:04 am

    Ww hehe Smile …thanks for that….

    AmbCd sounds like a really good guy…and the divorce is on the way…Please oh please don’t start downward spiralling Smile ….I need some Hope on this blog.

    Still, both you and Elsie seem to have a high level of Awareness..I hope to be that Conscious if/when I’m in a relationship.
    Also, I’m glad you bit your tongue on the married comment…What a mood ruiner. If it was me, I would explore these insecure feelings…
    Remember some of the scars & fears from your relationship with Strummingman will resurface…But Ambcd seems so much better than that guy…
    And I could be wrong but he sounds like a guy in love…



  175.  #175Sassy on May 25, 2013 at 2:16 am

    Millie,

    I know exactly where you’re coming from. I have nothing to submit other than I realized that he can no longer fit in my life. No matter how I feel about him, I am choosing to finally let him go. I feel afraid of not being able to be true to myself and falling backwards again. I have to just keep telling myself that he is not worthy of my time or love anymore.



  176.  #176Smile on May 25, 2013 at 2:34 am

    Heart, I’m smiling 🙂 thank you!

    Yes amb is in love as am I. He tells me all the time and I feel it more through his actions, the words are an added bonus.

    Awareness runs deep through me from spending so long on the blog, I think you do have this awareness too in you, I can tell 🙂



  177.  #177Heart on May 25, 2013 at 2:47 am

    Smile – I’m smiling too 🙂 ….I hope so…



  178.  #178Indigo on May 25, 2013 at 3:11 am

    ((((Daria))))

    I loved those lyrics in 162.



  179.  #179Kath on May 25, 2013 at 3:30 am

    I feel triggered by a lot of things that have been said here-My guy and I were talking last night and he told me he would be going to the rally tonight but only to see his brother because they used to go to a lot of Rallies together and this one is only a few miles from where we live and his brother has made the effort to travel. I said thatI fellt it was such bad timing given everything that had happened between use recently. I said I felt very distanced from him right now and I didn’t want to feel like that but I didn’t lknow what to do. He looked at him-he looked at me, he sighed, he shrugged, he said “what amI not doing?, I’m obviously not getting it”. He thought that the reason we’ve got to where we are kis because of the house and money- he hasn;t heard its also becuse I lost trust in him because of the contacts he had with his x-wife and continues to have. I said to him that I think he is still in love with her and even when I have said how hurt I have been by his actions and his behaviour, he has never said sorry-or shown me that he was sorry. In fact, he’s never said anything!- Last night he said that he thought by selling the house and saying that he wanted to find a place with me and wanted to make a life with me that it would show me he did love me and want to be with me and that in time things may go back to where they were. But I don;t feel that, I feel as though I am on trial-awaiting approval-and it feels horrible. He said last night that I have a “very nasty streak” which really stunned me. I didn’t say anything but I thought about what he said and I can see why he would think that-but its used as a defence when I feel I’m being hurt-so many things he said last night and even though we didn;t fall out-I am left this morning with so many feelings of sadness and doubt-guess I need to ignore his stuff and focus on me-take care of me-I feel very down right now.



  180.  #180Kath on May 25, 2013 at 3:34 am

    Oops!- sorry; lots of typos!- I meant I looked at him not he looked at him- and also what had happened with us recently- not use!- hey ho!



  181.  #181Heart on May 25, 2013 at 3:43 am

    kath – is this the guy that got drunk and smashed things?



  182.  #182Kath on May 25, 2013 at 4:22 am

    Heart, yes-but to be fair we had both been drinking-and afterwards he said the reason he did it was to stop me from shouting and saying all the horrible things that I was saying. Heart, I don’t even remember the things I said- and when I asked him what I’d said, yes, some if it was bad-objectified him and his friends-made judgements that weren’t my place to make-but then he told me one one thing I’d said and I just heard the pain in fear in the statment.



  183.  #183sophie on May 25, 2013 at 4:27 am

    I told my friends with benefit person that I felt sad about the friends with benefit situation and that it didnt feel good for my self worth. Neither of us wanted a heavy conversation as we’ve been there before so we didn’t say very much. He said “it’s the sex isn’t it” and I said “probably”. It is also because we don’t date that’s how come it feels so ‘friends with benefits’. He organised a wonderful night out for us near Valentine’s Day but then we got into one of our deep and meaningfuls – he is petrified about pregnancy as the mother of his child refused him access to his child and he had to fight in court for a number of years to be able to see her – he and the mother had no longer been together when she found out she was pregnant. I want to be in a relationship where there is a possibility of having a child. After the deep and meaningful we didn’t go out and he never offered again. It felt wonderful that he’d gone into all this planning the evening for me and I have felt so sad that he didn’t do it again. I wish I had told him this last night.

    I am tired today so fixating on the little things. If it is right there will be opportunity to tell him in the future. He doesn’t know how much that meant to me and I think he would like to know. Because I’m tired I want to tell him now, now, now.

    I won’t. I’m going out with my family today and a CD tonight. Life is good (and sad sometimes).

    He said that if he realises he’s made a huge mistake he’ll come knocking – I hope he does ha ha ha – but not enough to lose my focus – ME.

    I want something so simple now. So easy and non-complicated. No sex for me for a while. I want to just be me – simple and not confused.

    I hear you (((Daria))) once again – I felt last night that life was cruel – I was going into the why does everything have to be so complicated thing – I have been very tearful the last few days.

    (((Andrea))) I too am a fan of what you write – I loved the story about the two men and have far they showed you you had come.



  184.  #184sophie on May 25, 2013 at 4:38 am

    ((((Kath)))) I want to comment but I’m not sure what I want to say. It seems like you made some headway with the communication that you made before but you’re still feeling unheard. Is there opportunity for further communication? – in the way that worked so well before?

    It feels nice that he has said that the house etc was a way to show you that he loves you – is there any way of trusting him on that? Is it instinct stopping you or is it something else?

    There’s always always focusing on ourselves and not on them to be done but I would feel worried if focusing on yourself took the form of ‘beating yourself up’ especially if you take on board too much things which he says which to me feel a bit unkind. Maybe focusing on yourself in a very loving rather than analysing way. Spoiling yourself, indulging in or finding your passions, enjoying the life you have without him.

    I don’t want to suggest you’re not doing these things. I get very conscious when I post incase ‘i haven’t got it’ or ‘i get it wrong’.



  185.  #185sophie on May 25, 2013 at 4:46 am

    ((((Heart)))) I love regular clear outs it makes me feel like I’m letting go of the past and making room for all the wonderful new 🙂



  186.  #186Hana on May 25, 2013 at 5:23 am

    Feminine, I cannot believe how much you got exactly what I’m saying, even I did not see it. It’s true, all of it! I feel like I just need to relax and enjoy the process of us getting reaquainted, and let us enjoy dating and being together again. It is this fear, the fear from past hurts and relationships, I need to EFT haha…but really I need to learn how to feel deserving of good and love receiving all he has to offer.

    FW, you are very wise, you seem to learn well from your past experiences…

    Thank you!



  187.  #187Kath on May 25, 2013 at 5:53 am

    Hi Sophie, Yes- it feels as though we have made some headway but he kept saying last night “I can’t win” and kept sighing and looking to me to change. I did say to him that I was learning a completely new way of communicating with him and it would help me if he didn;t keep reminding me how bad I have been. He then said, “well, its been 2wks since you blew up, maybe when it gets to 2mths things might be ok again”. I felt so deflated and devalued-I did say that too. I sighed and said in desperation “Well, that;s ok then, its all down to me” and got up and left the room. Sometimes it just feels as though he doesn;’t want to understand.



  188.  #188Heart on May 25, 2013 at 7:04 am

    Thanks Sophie…

    Kath -ok just checking because he sounded kind of violent.



  189.  #189Daria on May 25, 2013 at 7:49 am

    im waking up feeling exhausted and pist… maybe this new sleeping place isn’t all that after all…

    i don’t remember really waking up like this before…



  190.  #190Daria on May 25, 2013 at 7:49 am

    (((((sophie)))))



  191.  #191Daria on May 25, 2013 at 7:51 am

    ((((Indigo)))) thank you 🙂 hehe i made up that song haha using my time creatively – channeling



  192.  #192Daria on May 25, 2013 at 7:53 am

    it DOes feel very touching 🙂 i feel teary and now smily



  193.  #193Vi on May 25, 2013 at 8:00 am

    I realized I haven’t had that daughter-y feeling for quite a long time and I felt glad it didn’t ‘bother’ me at least for a while and then I realized how angry and mad at myself I feel for having it. And there must me beating up going on too because I feel not good enough when I think about it. I love my anger, I love my mad feelings. I love my daughtery feelings. I am sending a big Valentine to each of them. I also feel relieved and soft now when I found my anger. It feels wonderful to embrace myself more and more.



  194.  #194Vi on May 25, 2013 at 8:06 am

    And I feel very very thankful for Circular Dating tool. Growing up and expansion feel wonderful.



  195.  #195Luzydel on May 25, 2013 at 8:21 am

    It feels good, when I go dancing and or interacting with people; I totally forget about meeting men/dating them. The world revolves around me when I am busy doing things that make me feel good and man-crack addiction goes away. I want to feel that way, even when I am with a man officially. I tend to drop some things when I am dating and it back fires. I have progressed a lot, but subconsciously tend to loose myself when in a relationship ugh!



  196.  #196BeLoved on May 25, 2013 at 8:30 am

    I’m feeling a little mischievous 🙂
    T told me one of the things he “needs” from me to feel inspired to initiate contact was that he needed it to not matter to me…well, it does matter to me. And I noticed a little bit of struggle in myself, to try to ‘change’ whether it mattered to me, and decided, no, just let it matter, because it does matter to me, and keep leaning back.

    So naturally, he made sure he called before he went away for the weekend so he could talk to me before he was going to be out of touch at an event for several days 🙂

    I felt a little thrill, kind of like…oh, this is good. He can say what he needs, I don’t have to make it my job to meet those needs, I stay on my horse and we’re finding some way to meet in the middle. He’s called because he wanted to talk to me, and I didn’t have to ‘change’ anything.



  197.  #197Kath on May 25, 2013 at 9:10 am

    So he went and worked for most of today and when he came home gave me £50. Went and had a shower and then I asked him when he was going to the rally and he said “thought I’d go now really, get there by 5pm, catch up with a few people”- I felt really angry!!- why hadn;t he told me that before- Last night he said he was going there late- which I took to mean after dinner-and now it was “get there by 5pm”-I was angry that his story had changed again. I blurted out that whilst he was getting drunk tonight could be do me a favour and think about how we was going to get back the trust that he’s lost. Grrrrrr!!- I know I was wrong, but he seems to think that trust can be rebuilt instantly- and I am still reeling from the last time he didn’t tell me the truth-this is so not working for me.



  198.  #198Kath on May 25, 2013 at 9:14 am

    Or him come to that- he said “I’m damned if I do and damned of I don’t” which isn’t true, but his perception I suppose. I just want us to go back to how we were before I moved into this fecking house!-I know its now sold, but it will still take time for the contracts to be drawn up and I’ve run out of patience- I have been patient for nearly a year that things needed to change but they’ve just got worse-it seems like a cycle that we’re stuck in and can’t get out of-



  199.  #199Andrea on May 25, 2013 at 10:12 am

    Thank you Luzy Del # 195. “Man crack addiction” Losing myself in a relationship has been so prevalent with me as well. Circular dating is helping me, but also, like you described… just going out and dancing and having a good time and not being conscience of men at all. So free!!

    Well, to follow up on my 4:00 am texts from “G”. This morning he didn’t text me, he called me. Yes.. at 4:00 am??? I’m curious about why he’s up and wanting to communicate at that time. But I didn’t ask him that.
    I did answer the phone and we talked for a good long while about memories and his vision of the future and how it includes my daughters and I. How he can see us all living at his house on the lake and he can see them learning to drive his pontoon and me sitting on his deck overlooking the lake and drinking a glass of wine. He talked about how much my daughters would thrive in his neighborhood.
    It felt good and exciting to talk to him about our mutual future together. It felt so good to hear him including my daughters and to realize that he thinks of all three of us.. my girls and I.. as part of his future.

    We hung up at around 5 am both saying ,”I love you.”

    But then he texted at 9, that he wants to come pick me up, take me with him on some errands and then take me out to lunch. (he knows I am going to the casino for a concert tonight. but he wanted to spend the day with me before I go)

    I texted him back, “I feel so happy and light about our conversation this morning, but I already have plans today to spend time with my daughters.”

    He texted back to me, “You see! My point!! You want directiveness. You want structure and plans but you are uncompromising if it doesn’t all fit neatly into your day. You have little regard of anything else and how it might affect me. !!”

    I felt so confused, belittled, twisted in my guts. What a change from our early morning conversation. I had so many attack words to respond to him. I had so many justifications and so much anger. (but that has never ever worked in the past. NEVER!!! I might be right and I might be justified in my stance… like.. he hasn’t called me all week and now all the sudden a phone call at 4 am and I’m supposed to change my whole life once again to accomodate his plans… my argument is sound, but who cares. Even if I’m right, it doesn’t make me feel better to communicate that to him.)

    Instead, I laid down, I tried to get in touch with everything I was feeling RIGHT NOW. I tried to reach deeply into my guts and pull out everything that I FELT.

    Then after about an hour, I texted him back: “I feel so twisted and so confused right now. I feel so hurt and like a little lost girl who is getting into trouble for something she can’t control. I feel like I’m losing the one person I really love because of something I did wrong. I feel like a failure because I’m being pulled in two directions and I can’t please everybody. I feel like I’m being reprimanded because I can’t change my plans and promises that I made to my daughters so quickly. I’m so sad. I feel like crying, like giving everything up and just staying in bed all day. I’m so sad right now.”

    He texted back right away, “Andrea, I love you so much but if you think it’s just best for you to let me go then do it!! I love you that much. I know that I am the best man for you and for your life. I love you so much babe.”

    So…… as strange as that response was…. I’m feeling peace once more. He does love me. I’m not going to respond anymore. I’m going to do what he suggested. I do think it’s best for me to just let him go right now. So I’m just going to do it.
    ( I don’t need to tell him anything do I?? I can just go on with my life right?? This is more about me than him right??)



  200.  #200Syreena on May 25, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Kath he is not acting like he is a realtionship.

    What is your relationship? Do you live together, what was the deal when you moved in?

    Did you move in as girlfriend? room mate? Life partner?
    What do you want to be?

    What is the score? Are you behaving like life partner? or wife without being a wife?



  201.  #201Syreena on May 25, 2013 at 10:16 am

    Are you getting a mortgage with this man? What’s the deal? Once you get into that, it’s not so easy to get out of.



  202.  #202Kath on May 25, 2013 at 10:25 am

    Syreena,
    That is my feeling- he is not acting like he is in a relationship!- but he is!- We have been living together for over a year, we talked about marriage before I moved in here- but things have happened-my alarm bells have rung and now we’re on the verge of splitting up. I can feel it!- he says he wants to move into a rented place with me, “see how it goes” and then buy somewhere together later on- but when he;s said that , he’s qualified it with, “I’ll never be able to buy anywhere of my own”- and that’s just it- I will!- I do love him but I just think that there is too much going on for him-he can’t get over the feelimngs he has for his wife, for his x- he needs female attention-that;s what he’s gone to the rally for tonight!- to have women say that they’ve missed him and think he’s wonderful etc etc- it makes him feel good about himself- regardless of whether he has negated or behaved badly towards the woman he’s with and claims to want to be with.

    When he went away for a week to “think about what we wanted” I know he met up with his X who still wants him. How do I know they didn’t sleep together and then he comes back claiming how much he loves me and wants us to work????- I feel like he is driving me mad!!



  203.  #203April Rose on May 25, 2013 at 10:27 am

    Kath

    “I just want us to go back to how we were …”

    I know that longing very well. It almost sent me crazy.

    With Rori’s tools, and in babysteps, I am learning to be where we are now. And build from there. Working from where I am allows each little glimmer of light to be a joy.

    ‘How we were’ is a memory. I’m allowing new stuff. And I am being surprised!



  204.  #204Kath on May 25, 2013 at 10:37 am

    April Rose, Where we are now is not a good place to be. I lost trust, he lies, or keeps the truth from me, apparently to protect me, but I think its more about protecting himself. We are so far apart right now we might as well be lodgers rather than in a relationship- I don’t feel he values me, respects me, hears me, even likes me right now- why would he want to get a place with me???



  205.  #205April Rose on May 25, 2013 at 10:43 am

    Kath,

    Have you considered that he too might want things to be how they once were. How he felt when YOU were the woman who “… says that they’ve missed him and think he’s wonderful etc. etc.- and makes him feel good about himself…”

    Yep. That’s a man’s driving force in being with a woman – she makes him feel good about himself.
    And I know how hard it is to appreciate, admire, or respect a man when I feel bitter, untrusting, scared.



  206.  #206Kath on May 25, 2013 at 10:48 am

    April Rose, Yep!- He’s said as much to me that he wants things to be the way they were- I am dying that its come to this point- I do love him and respect him but I really think that he;s still in love with his wife!!- every time she calls he answers-then he complains to me about her- and then when I can;t take any more hearing about her and all the stuff they went through- he runs to his x-girlfriend whom he split up from in amazing style!- rode back from Switzerland on a motorbike, no speaking, no stopping and then telling her when they got back to his place to pack her stuff and go-since then though they have had contact-intermittant but still contact-why would you do that if the relationship ended badly??!!??!!!



  207.  #207Rori Raye on May 25, 2013 at 10:51 am

    April Rose:
    “Kath,

    Have you considered that he too might want things to be how they once were. How he felt when YOU were the woman who “… says that they’ve missed him and think he’s wonderful etc. etc.- and makes him feel good about himself…”

    Yep. That’s a man’s driving force in being with a woman – she makes him feel good about himself.
    And I know how hard it is to appreciate, admire, or respect a man when I feel bitter, untrusting, scared.”

    Thank you for this – very insightful. Love, Rori



  208.  #208Kath on May 25, 2013 at 10:54 am

    How do I appreciate, admire and respect him when I know he’s lied to me??????



  209.  #209April Rose on May 25, 2013 at 11:06 am

    Do you know? Or are you speculating negatively?

    I would need to sink down into feelings, my feelings, forget thoughts of ‘him’ for a while.
    Get into *me*. Feel, feel, feel, until I find my vulnerability.
    This has been the key for me, in all things.



  210.  #210April Rose on May 25, 2013 at 11:07 am

    Oh, thank you Rori,

    I feel warm and shiney like a ruby, reading your comment.

    Anytime you need advice just let me know, lol!



  211.  #211Kath on May 25, 2013 at 11:34 am

    I feel he has pulled away from me- I feel he doesn’t want to work at being in a relationship, I feel he wants to be safe with a woman but to him, that is a woman he is not having sex with. I feel I can’t communicate with him or be open because he either slates me for doing it or doesn’t understand why I’d want to- I feel trapped, stuck, can;t move on because he doesn’t want to listen. Perhaps this is my queur though- I should just listen to me and forget being part of him. He perhaps is trying to keep hold of me by saying “Give it time, it’ll work out” when I don’tsee any way that he is trying to change things and want them to work out. His daughter has just text me to ask if I want to meet her and her son tomorrow morning- I;ve said yes, I love them both-this is painful if its not going to work out between her dad and me.



  212.  #212MovingMagic on May 25, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    Kath, in what ways can you circular date? There seems to be alot of focus on making this relationship work. How is your relationship with the rest of the world?



  213.  #213Kath on May 25, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    Good point Moving Magic-That is the conversation I need to have with him. I am not happ feeling like I’m a melting pot for his unresolved emotions. That conversation is coming though- in the next couple of days.



  214.  #214Luzydel on May 25, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    Kath if this was me I’ll just drop the idea of making the relationship work; it feels draining and some how needy. Just leave it alone and do nothing; don’t ask him for anything. Go out and have a good time, enjoy the things you did before you met him.

    I feel drained reading about it (please not trying to offend you) I imagine how it will feel to have someone telling me lets make this relationship work constantly and just going around circles… Maybe you’re drained as well and it feel you’re hitting against a wall; so just leave it alone; get back to you and be happy no matter what. You’re loosing focus on yourself by just trying to make him feel/do something he may not do in your terms.



  215.  #215Kath on May 25, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    luzydel,
    OMG!!!-You are so right!- I have worrying myself about the vibe between us and stressing about what I feel should be between us. Its been a very hard road-do I trust him?:- do I believe him?



  216.  #216Kath on May 25, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    I;’ve fallen into the trap of thinking, am I right for him, he;s been through so much, blah, blah, blah, but at the end of the day-what does he feel about me??-its been 2yrs, and he says that he is happy to wait for another 6mths in rented accomodation, but i can;t help feeling that this is the get out clause because we have never talked this way before!



  217.  #217Indigo on May 25, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    Luzydel 214

    This is very wise advice, and very much what I needed to hear too.



  218.  #218Indigo on May 25, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    Kath,

    I can vouch for how upsetting overanalyzing this situation is. The thoughts can go round in an endless feedback loop and just leave you feeling worse off.

    Can you disrupt the chatter and get into your body somehow? Where you can feel your breathing and your sensations and actually just completely ignore this relationship for a while?

    I am speaking as much to myself as you here, yet I can only empathise with how upsetting it must be to have those hurtful words playing over and over in your mind, and I don’t think it can be doing you any good (as I say, I am speaking as much to myself here at the moment)



  219.  #219BeLoved on May 25, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    Kath

    If you don’t trust him, believe he is a liar, know all of the stuff about how he treated his exes, feel abused, “can’t communicate with him or be open because he either slates me for doing it or doesn’t understand why I’d want to- I feel trapped, stuck, can;t move on because he doesn’t want to listen (which I would question – how does he hold the keys and the power to whether you can move on or not?), believe he is still in love with his ex wife,

    WHY are you still with him?

    If you’ve been waiting for a year and nothing has changed, what are you waiting for?

    You don’t like it at all when he wants YOU to change and you feel it’s all on you, how do you think he likes the fact that you’ve been expecting HIM to change for a year? What made you think anything would change? He’s shown a pattern, did you think you would be the exception to the rule? He is who he is.
    It’s not his job to change. It’s not your job to inspire him to change. It can be a nice benefit of changing your own vibe, but that’s not the purpose of it, we clean up our inner selves for our own benefit.

    And the talk you want to have with him?
    Kiss of death. Men HATE that kind of stuff.

    You have to take a long, hard look at what you are attracted to.
    The man refers to his exes as psychos. He was married when you met him (he may still be married for all I know). You knew all of this about him when you met him, and feel angry he won’t change.
    Why?

    The talk of wanting it to go back to the way it used to me reminds me of this article:

    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/betting-on-potential-are-you-gambling-on-a-relationship-capacity-that-doesnt-exist/

    “If you’ve ever thought something like “It started out so great, why can’t they go back to being that guy/girl?” or been like a property developer imagining what someone could become with your ‘love’ and your fixing/healing/helping ways, or even wondered how you managed to stay long past the relationship’s sell-by-date, it’s because you’ve been caught up in ‘potential’.”



  220.  #220Kath on May 25, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    Yes, I need to have some distance from this relationship-it isn’t healthy- we need time apart- more than what we’ve done already- that is my conversation over over the next couple of days-wish me luck!



  221.  #221MovingMagic on May 25, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    Kath, I feel like it’s a conversation to have with yourself. No one else is responsible for your overall happiness.



  222.  #222Emerson on May 25, 2013 at 4:31 pm

    155 fw was this comment meant for me?



  223.  #223Zia on May 25, 2013 at 7:08 pm

    kath: which of rori’s programs have you gone through? i think something like modern siren or commitment blueprint might be worth watching. also, something really important i’ve learned recently is to just STOP reacting to things. If he says something that upsets you and you want to react back quickly, just stop yourself, walk away, take time to process it. Take that time to work out how you really feel, and express in feeling messages instead of reacting with accusations.

    I feel exhausted reading all the posts. You are the only person you can control and heal. There is NOTHING you can do or say that will change him, no matter how much you want to control the situation and make things “how they were”. The past is the past, its never coming back.



  224.  #224Femininewoman on May 25, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    Emerson it was addressed to Hana



  225.  #225R.N.AmazingMe on May 25, 2013 at 8:30 pm

    It is crazy that relationships seem so hard but then I realized yes it takes work on both parts. But no man or woman is deseerving of you if they are trying to fix you or change you. You cannot love someone if you cannot love and accept and work together to build a life. I have to take care of this girl before a man which I am doing exactly what I want and need and feel so much more with myself in my own heart. I am ready to have someone or date to experience happiness and love with someone as well. I would never admit beffore I was on a bad path but thank goodness I was blessed to see that the life I want and deserve wasnt what I was living. I am now!YAY..have to share with u all because u all well some have been here and Rori all the steps of the way. I appreciate you and this blog!



  226.  #226Millie on May 25, 2013 at 8:52 pm

    @Andrea 199–

    What a day/night conversation you had! I can imagine how wonderful it felt to have him talk about how you and your daughters fit into a future! I would have been just as surprised as you when the conversation turned into accusations. It seems as though he is having some emotional turmoil, or maybe feeling rejected by your feelings messages that communicate “bad” feelings. I don’t know… I am very curious to hear what the other ladies have to say about this.



  227.  #227Andrea on May 25, 2013 at 10:49 pm

    Thank you Millie.. me too. : ) I go back to what FW said about men and their needing time and space to just process their own emotions.

    He called me this afternoon and asked me out more appropriately for tomorrow. I said yes. So, what’s cool is that I didn’t panic when he responded the way he did. I feel like I’m letting him take the lead, and just expressing my feelings when they come up.

    What I’m really practicing is just expressing my feelings then not offering an explanation of them unless he asks.

    As in: “I feel this way….. ” and then just leave it at that. And let him ask… “Why??” Or what ever he might ask.

    It really opens up a huge window into a whole new realm of conversation and connection. Rori talks about it in one of her blogs.. “How to talk to a man… or something like that…

    It makes me feel so good and peaceful and authentic when I do allow that kind of conversation to happen.



  228.  #228sophie on May 26, 2013 at 1:11 am

    Thank you Andrea for sharing how you are managing to speak your emotional truth. What was helpful to me in what you said was the ability to hold the space whilst they process without leaning into it or justifying or backing down. This takes emotional muscle and something I need a lot of practice with. I can ‘just about’ speak my feelings now but can still feel afraid during the reaction stage. If I’m not careful I can even get into the realm on beginning to back track on what I’ve said.Waiting and just standing with your truth is such a beautiful skill to learn



  229.  #229Jessie1000 on May 26, 2013 at 4:46 am

    Heart!
    I dont know why but when I purge my phone, it makes me feel great too. Im like showing myself, well I got alot of options, no crumbs for me! Didnt hear from you in this much time for example, you got to go…lol and the ones that are not to my liking on a date, they go too. I feel a tiny bit powerful which I am getting used to my powers a little bit at a time instead of being so passive.



  230.  #230Jessie1000 on May 26, 2013 at 4:56 am

    Just a little story….I was seeing a guy in the last month or so, was a coffee date, not my type at all, but there was something really sexy and bad ass about him that was appealing lol and he had 2 kids who he was devoted too….took them every weekend, was great friends with his kids mom, told me it was all his fault, I loved it, most guys are blamers omg terrible….
    Anyway, I saw him, I was very attracted to him, he had no car lol but I went to visit quite a bit…then he cooled off, started acting a little distant and strange, said he was jealous of my roommate, I didnt blame him….I gave him the speech….Im too lonely to keep seeing you, and I got to move on.
    Didnt hear nothing from him.
    I said hi one sunday, it was quick and short and said that I really enjoyed him and remembered our fun…he made me laugh alot. Hes not very beautiful but he has a very charismatic and funny personality.
    Long story short, while I was away in Ontario he texted me out of the blue…said he really missed me…said he wanted to talk, said all kinds of things he didnt say before…Im an awesome mom, Im funny, he misses me….and he wants to see me when I get back. He texted me off the hook from when I got back. I get back saturday and he says hi but nothing else….it was wierd. He was partying with his friends and I didnt think anything about it.
    SUnday night at midnight just before I got to start a new job on monday morning he has an emotional explosion! Like he lost his mind. He freaked out, he wanted to come over, had to come over, went on and on…I even hung up on him, he called me back, he said will u let me in, I tried talking to him….he even said nice caring emotional stuff about me, again not like him and then was trying to force himself over to “cuddle” with me. He just wanted to sleep beside me and not to worry about work. I finally hung up.
    He texted me morning the next day then never talked to me again.
    LOL I texted him once a week later to ask how he was…he didnt even answer ….
    Men!!! That was a wierd one but I feel like I unleashed something in him that was so passionate and uncontrollable, it became a big explosion.
    Dont like those kind of men however, I am somewhat flattered…..lol someone wants me anyway….RORI works.



  231.  #231Andrea on May 26, 2013 at 8:36 am

    @ Sophie, yes… thank you. I love your language around that process… practicing “holding the space”. I so relate to what you’re talking about.. feeling the urge to lean forward. Sitting in those feelings is such a new awareness for me and scary sometimes.

    @ Jessie, your story cracks me up. I feel so in tune with what you experienced though. It’s like this new email that Rori sent today… allowing him to feel safe.. and like FW talks about…. giving them the space to explore their own emotions… it’s a new and exciting experience for them and when they find the woman they can feel safe to explore that with, they GO WILD!!!! hahahahahah

    A man I’m going back and forth with (along with circular dating) has asked me out for this afternoon. Something is up with his vehicle so he asked me to drive… initially I said “okay.”
    But this morning I’ve been feeling really uncomfortable about it. I feel like driving him puts me too much into my masculine mode. How can I feel feminine and taken care of if I’m driving??? It’s so funny because that experience is the complete symbolic picture of our whole relationship.
    I feel I’m too willing to ignore my own discomfort and take the drivers seat when action needs to be taken.

    Darn it!! I did try a baby step move this morning with a compromise I felt I could be a little more comfortable with.

    I texted him and I said, “I am really feeling uncomfortable with doing the driving, but it would help if I know I can count on you to pay for the gas.”

    He texted back right away.. “K”

    Then I texted: “Thank you. I am feeling great and excited to spend this afternoon with you.” (It did feel great to realize that he was receptive to the compromise.)

    Then he responded: “Me too. I’m sensing that it’s going to be a wonderful afternoon!!”

    So, I’m feeling more at ease. Baby steps and perhaps a giant leap. I’m excited about the date at least.



  232.  #232Tereana on May 26, 2013 at 10:11 am

    Thank you, ladies, so much for your kind responses. Millie, Indigo, Ruth.

    Andrea – I liked reading your story about the “deer man” from last year. Ha! In my mind, I was thinking – he has a lot to learn about “getting” a woman. I guess he got what he thinks he wants. But their attitudes made me cringe. Yuck! I admire your calm response. You sound grounded and centered and like you know what you really want! : )



  233.  #233Tereana on May 26, 2013 at 10:47 am

    Millie, Indigo & Ruth, you sound spot on about the guy. Thank you for that feedback. It definitely was more “clueless” than malevolent. And I’m happy you saw that, because it helps me to see it, too.

    He apologized for making a thing about the bill, and I appreciated that. And to be clear, I wasn’t upset about the timing of his texts. I had left him a message at 11, and then promptly fell asleep. It wasn’t his fault. He’s a night owl ; )

    And also to be clear about the timing of our meeting. I wasn’t “early-ish” that way. I was coming straight from work and meeting him on the way home. The meeting place was within walking distance of his house. He asked me to text when I was on my way.

    But I’m getting a sense about him that he really needs his “freedom” with time. Whereas Iuchy see it as “he’s not respecting me.” He feels it as he needs to be able to “do what he wants.” And that might mean doing something else before he comes to see me. And again, I see this as cluelessness. He’s clueless (or perhaps ignoring) how this affects other people.

    So now, when I see it this way, it doesn’t feel so bad.

    He seems to me like an injured bird. He’s doing his best to hide the broken wing, the injury, and make it look okay. But I know that he’s not okay. And I feel compassion for that.

    I also feel compassion for me. And yes, it’s true that when I am hooked in and connected with my intuition, things flow smoothly, and I feel good about me choices. Everything gets confused around s*x, and my intuition feels less available to me. It sometimes what I think is “intuition” is actually just fear. Like pulling away. But then, sometimes that happens for good reason, too….

    Le sigh : )



  234.  #234Smile on May 26, 2013 at 11:17 am

    I’m feeling disappointed 🙁

    Am I handling this the right way?
    I’m looking for reassurance.

    Amb works nights. The past 2 days he’s arranged seeing me then cancelled. I know he’s tired and I feel disappointed.
    He apologised and said he’s sorry if I feel upset. We still have plans for the middle of the week though.
    I’m happy giving him man space to sleep. I never asked to see him, he suggested then changed his mind. I have other plans made so ill be busy so that’s fine, I just feel disappointed.

    I’m not sure I see him enough for my needs to be met. 🙁

    I just texed, Okay, I understand. I’m feeling disappointed 🙁 x

    I want to add now, I’m feeling disappointed and ill look forward to seeing you when your rested x

    Tempted just to leave it rather than text again. He’s at work so he’ll be busy.



  235.  #235Smile on May 26, 2013 at 11:33 am

    Hoping I’ve learnt enough to be able to communicate in times like this so that whenever things come up it doesn’t feel like ‘the end’ like it has in the past.
    🙁

    I want to be supportive of his night shifts. He works sooo hard. I would much prefer someone with this work ethic than someone who was available to see me lots because they don’t work as hard.



  236.  #236Smile on May 26, 2013 at 11:40 am

    Ugg really have the urge to fix

    I want to unsend my message and send the more thought out one.



  237.  #237Smile on May 26, 2013 at 11:41 am

    I keep thinking I’ve not said the right thing. If I text again I’m sure hell feel my anxiety.
    Just going to relax and not ‘do’ anything. I am glad I said I felt disappointed though because I do.



  238.  #238Smile on May 26, 2013 at 11:51 am

    I want to reach out… Sitting on my hands, spamming the blog to stop myself.



  239.  #239Smile on May 26, 2013 at 11:59 am

    Ok, If at 10pm I haven’t heard from him I will text to say I’m getting ready for bed and wanted to say goodnight and that I appreciate how hard he works and ill look forward to seeing him when he’s rested.
    If he texes me before then I can respond earlier.



  240.  #240Smile on May 26, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    ? Where did all my spamming anxious posts go?



  241.  #241Smile on May 26, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    My phones on the blink.

    Well he texed all happy and apologetic, guess I’ve not got another strummingman so I can let go of the fear he will withdraw at the slightest thing.

    ((Me)) ((my fear from past hurts))



  242.  #242Smile on May 26, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    Thanks for listening blog!!



  243.  #243Smile on May 26, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    Aw now I’m all melted at his responses. He’s showering me with apology and attention and plans.
    He’s a good one :)))



  244.  #244Dominique on May 26, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    Smile – 🙂

    xxoo



  245.  #245Millie on May 26, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    @Tereana 233

    “intuition is actually just like fear.”

    That is such a good subject to bring up. Fear vs. Intuition. Fear can be a part of your intuition and I feel it is hard to distinguish the two sometimes. They can align with one another, but in other cases, I see the difference as–fear can be overcome by growth, by expanding a comfort zone, or by installing boundaries, whereas intuition can be a mysterious feeling that you feel but can’t necessarily explain. It is an inherent part of you. Yet, they both seem to embody behavioral and instinctual qualities. I find this topic so intriguing!…how fear and intuition separate and intertwine..I’m going to revel on these ideas more..



  246.  #246Millie on May 26, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    @Smile

    I love how you posted all your thoughts as they came! I love hearing how you sat with your thoughts and on your hands haha…

    I’m so glad this guy feels good for you!!! yay!!
    I really like this comment you made about him:

    “I want to be supportive of his night shifts. He works sooo hard. I would much prefer someone with this work ethic than someone who was available to see me lots because they don’t work as hard.”

    As a woman that works very hard and has a demanding schedule, I can appreciate this comment. I was with a man that didn’t appreciate that about me and had loads of free time he kept trying to fill with me. It became stressful because I didn’t have all that time to give. Hearing a comment like yours would have felt AMAZING and so supportive! If you get another opportunity to–I would let him know how much his work ethic is attractive to you! 🙂



  247.  #247Smile on May 26, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Aw he called me on his break too.

    Millie, I told him! Thank you I’m glad I did this. He said he appreciates that a lot. 🙂



  248.  #248Smile on May 26, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    I saved a little of my speech to tell him in person on Tuesday I can hear in my head the tone of voice I’m going to use and body language etc. even if I don’t get the opportunity and the moment has been and gone. It’s good to practise in my head for future opportunities.



  249.  #249Smile on May 26, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    Thanks dominique



  250.  #250aedelpryd on May 26, 2013 at 2:26 pm

    Wow. I have learnt so much. Now I”m just waiting for an opportunity to put it into action.
    Thanks to everyone !!



  251.  #251Smile on May 26, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    I made sure I used the word respect in there! After all respect to a man is to feel loved.



  252.  #252Smile on May 26, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    I mean, respect is how a man feels loved.



  253.  #253Millie on May 26, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    It wasn’t my intention to be on the blog so long today, but I had this personal revelation in the shower right now and feel excited to share it!! This is going to be long…better grab a snack while you read lol!

    If you have been following my posts with Sassy on this thread–I felt triggered by a comment she wrote about men-sex-and being the prize. She then suggested I ask myself why I felt so triggered. I knew why–it’s because of a “friends with benefits” relationship that I like, but at the same time feel bad about. While I like his company and the sex, I feel like I am lowering my self worth and I felt like I needed to somehow justify my actions to myself in regards to sex. Like..its okay….but in reality it’s not okay for me. This is something that I’ve known and brings me a lot of guilt because I want to be a siren, but I’m not acting like it. I “binge” on my old habits.

    So, this FWB of mine and I have a 5 yr history. Ladies, I have been off and on with him for that long. I’ve done the “no contact” but to no avail, we keep reconnecting and I know I am to blame! I am smarter than this–I haven’t been following my own advice. (guilty feelings) I saw him recently, we had a great time, but he said a couple things that really stuck with me.

    One- He said he’d always pick up the phone if I called, we’ll always be friends. I said- likewise you can always call me. In an emergency I would be there for you. He said “How many times have I called you?” I thought for a minute and I came up with maybe three times. He always texts me. I said “I thought you weren’t a phone guy” he said he’s not and that he wouldn’t call me in an emergency because he would never ask that of me. In my head was thinking (Hold the phone–this guy has only called me three times in five years!!!!! WTF am I doing here!!!)

    Second trigger–We were in bed and had already had lots of sex and a lot of drinks. He laughed and said “It’s a good thing we don’t see each other that often.” I just said “why is that?” without really thinking. His reply was “Oh I can feel your brain burning.” In the past he has told me “You think too much,” which makes me feel livid with anger. In the past I’ve said “It’s better to think too much than too little.” or simply “I hate being told that.” I haven’t heard it since I started with feeling messages, but when he said that I felt sooooo angry. I get criticized a lot for being too serious, and it makes me feel criticized to hear that, Like I’m taking his joke too seriously. I’m sorry, but I AM. I also felt like it was his way of shutting down the question. I felt misunderstood and like I failed at connecting with his heart, but at the same time he is failing at connecting with mine. He is basically saying joke or not–He’s happy not seeing me often, he’s happy we only do this once in awhile, he doesn’t want more of a connection. Laying there, feeling all these feelings. I said nothing. Inside I gave up. I felt like what’s the point…and again WHY am I even here?

    I thought the answer was sex, but when I woke up and processed the evening and looked back on the many sexual encounters we have had I realized I never orgasm. Sure the sex feels good, but I’m coming to him so he can get off, cuz I’m sure as hell not. I wouldn’t say he is a selfish lover, but I’m obviously not a priority. Again…WHY am I here?

    Is “his company” worth all of this? We all know the answer to that. I left feeling different than I usually do–not glowing–just with the resounding question of WHY am I doing this STILL when I KNOW better?!

    I wrote a feeling/power message the other night with no intention of sending it to him. I sent it to myself because it’s not about him, it’s about me needing to hear and feel this. In the message I say how good it feels to be with him and how those good feelings inspire me to want more of a relationship and I know he doesn’t want that. So–I appreciate our friendship, but I cannot be his lover anymore.

    I felt good saying that to myself, feeling it in my bones that I need to be powerful once and for all! I need to be in control of myself. However, in the shower just now I was feeling…wait a minute..all this time I thought my seeing him was about how good he makes me feel. I think I’ve brainwashed myself into thinking all of these things “feel good.” Does him not calling feel good? No. Does seeing him once a blue moon feel good? No. I can go on and on with this…If I ever sent that feeling message, I would have been telling him that all these things, especially his lack of action, feels good?! What is wrong with me?!!!! Sure I like his company, he’s not a bad guy, but at the expense of all these things?! I am woman feeling so intensely about absolutely nothing. I feel inspired to write a whole different feeling message with the same ending. “I cannot be your lover anymore.”
    Phew! that was long!
    Thank you for reading and being such inspirational ladies! and Thank you Sassy for all your advice! 🙂



  254.  #254BeLoved on May 26, 2013 at 3:11 pm

    Something I’m running into with OLD is men saying, “I want to get to know you better. You can ask me anything, here’s my number,” then the conversation drops from there, because I don’t really want to ask them anything, when they haven’t asked me anything about ME. It feels uncomfortable for me to lead the conversation, and I’m not sure I should say that because, isn’t that still leading the conversation?

    Not sure how to respond to this.
    Without exception, if I don’t respond to this, I don’t hear from them again. So I believe not responding is probably the right thing to do…it feels uncomfortable to respond saying I feel uncomfortable doing this, lol, so.

    We aren’t talking young men, I’m 42 and talking to men in my age bracket. What I want to be mindful of, is not crossing that line between being high difficulty/high value and downright contrary 🙂

    Sirens, what do you think?



  255.  #255Tereana on May 26, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    Smile! I love your spamming 🙂

    Millie – yes, I know we’ll what you are taking about. That “still small voice” thing. What I’m talking about is that, in the context of s*x, or feeling deeply triggered, my real voice of intuition, that deep knowing sensation that provides me with grounding and direction, gets drowned out. The voices of fear and panic – that are more connected to the past than the present – take over, and mimic what seems to be “intuition,” but isn’t. Know what I mean? You may or may not have had this experience, but I definitely know that I have



  256.  #256Tereana on May 26, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    Ps Millie, what I mean to say is that my intuition is NOT like fear at all. It is more the opposite of fear. Even in a fearful or scary situation, intuition feels like calm and centeredness and knowing that everything is going to be okay. Trusting myself. The opposite of that is when fear and anxiety take over, feeling threatened, even if there is no real threat, and responding in “fight or flight” mode. That is an automatic response. That, to me, is not the same as intuition. At least not in the way that I am taking about.

    Does that make sense?



  257.  #257Dominique on May 26, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    Smile – 251- I don’t know that I can agree with this. What does respect mean for one?

    I think men are not so different from women at core. They want to love and feel love. They want their “the one” as we do.

    Love to most men is to feel love flowing both ways. To break it down it could be a feeling of openness and safety, space to be who they are, a feeling of connection different than with others who are not a love interest.

    Does feeling acknowledged feel great to them? Sure it does as much as it does you.

    Showing and expressing thankfulness and appreciation for who he is and what he does is not so much for him as it is for you. It helps YOU see for yourself how much he really does do, for you and otherwise, how many wonderful qualities he does have over those that may not always feel so great.

    xxoo



  258.  #258Millie on May 26, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    I wanted to add one more thing to my last, long-winded post. Him asking me “how many times have I called you,” calls attention to the fact that he is aware of what he is and isn’t doing in regards to me. He knows exactly what he is and isn’t giving me and I’m writing it off as -oh well he’s just not that kind of guy- which is completely WRONG! I can’t believe I was even doing that! He doesn’t have to do shit and I’m still- oh it feels so good to be with him. WTF is wrong with me! Haha, I feel so good seeing this, feeling this, knowing this, feeling my desire and attraction for him evaporate!



  259.  #259BeLoved on May 26, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    Millie wow and wow and WOW and…I’m sitting here open-mouthed trying to wrap my brain around this…”I realized I never orgasm.”
    Wha??
    Five years and wha???????
    I feel astounded.
    Feels like wide eyes and
    WOW, girl, so so so so good on you for realizing this!!
    I. Can. Not. Imagine. Sex without orgasm. How is it even sex? Why even bother??? (unless it’s intentional like Karezza which is a whole other thing).
    Oh my gosh you deserve so much better.
    So so so much YES in my heart for you right now.



  260.  #260Dominique on May 26, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    Millie – 252 – Wonderful, amazing processing.

    xxoo



  261.  #261BeLoved on May 26, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    I want to clarify I don’t mean to be judging you!!
    It’s the kind of reaction I imagine others had to me when I decided, “I don’t want to be hit anymore”, and people are like…”Wha? you mean that’s not a GIVEN?” because their experience is so different.
    ((((Millie))))



  262.  #262Millie on May 26, 2013 at 3:31 pm

    @Tereana–

    Yes! I understand what you are saying and I have felt that way too. I’m glad to hear that your intuition feels calm and strong. Thank you for claryfing! 🙂



  263.  #263Dominique on May 26, 2013 at 3:31 pm

    Beloved – 253 – Let them go – next. I have not run into this for myself. You might want to look inside and see what this might mean to you. Is there an aspect of this in you? Why might be this kind of behavior be coming to you repeatedly? What lesson is there here for you?

    xxoo



  264.  #264Millie on May 26, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    @Beloved–
    Thank you! I have only orgasmed during sex twice in my life. I am 26. I can give myself an orgasm, and I can orgasm with a man while touching myself, but RARELy during sex. Do you have any advice on this???

    @Dominique Thank you! 🙂



  265.  #265BeLoved on May 26, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    I think I’m making it worse and sticking my foot in my mouth so please ignore anything that doesn’t sound like encouraging and supportive 🙂

    **awkward**



  266.  #266Millie on May 26, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    @Beloved

    I didnt take it as judging at all!! I WANT many many orgasms, I just gave up on trying because it is so hard. I felt like if I stopped thinking about it, it would happen, but it never does. I hear the comparison about being hit and my standard should be so much higher. However, I think the no orgasm thing is more of my problem than it is the guys, but I want to be with someone who really takes an interest in making it happen.



  267.  #267Tereana on May 26, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    One thing I will say that I do like about this guy is his ability to talk about and listen to emotions. He has his limits and is not totally self-aware. But I also admire him for all the self-improvement work he does. (Even though I still think he’s a mess ; )

    And it’s hard for me to stay in “feminine” mode right now. I so want to reach out and “lean forward” and tell him stuff, but I haven’t heard from him since Friday, and my intuition is telling me it’s better not to.

    If he wanted to talk to me or reach out to me, or continue the conversation, he would.

    And I honestly didn’t know how *I* would feel after Friday. I fit triggered while I was asking him to leave because I was tired, and then I had to ask him to leave for real. But I didn’t hold it against him, and still kissed him as he left. We didn’t make any future plans, even though hanging out on Saturday was a possibility. I missed seeing him on Saturday. But my “voice” was telling me not to say anything about it.

    He may reconsider. He may not want to see me again.

    I can recognize this “leaning forward” feeling as that fear I was talking about. It comes from smallness, from construction. From fear that it won’t happen “in time.” But if anything is going to happen, it will happen in time. In perfect time.

    He made me promise not to do anything (sexually) before I’m really ready. He wants me there and present if it happens. And so do I. So that’s good! I intend to keep that promise. I’m not going to go out of my way to force anything to “happen” because then it won’t feel that good or satisfying.

    Yay!



  268.  #268Millie on May 26, 2013 at 3:44 pm

    Beloved,

    Please don’t feel awkward. I wrote all of that on here so you ladies can help/advise me. I have no shame when it comes to sex. I am very open with my sexuality, so please feel open to say what you will.



  269.  #269BeLoved on May 26, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    263

    Millie,

    Well, I’m SUPER easy, but I would imagine that it needs to start with an intention and a lot of communication with a man, letting him know what feels good and what doesn’t, and not making or believing that his pleasure and orgasm more important than yours.

    Does he know this? I’ve been with some super shady guys who didn’t care much for me who STILL wanted to be sure I was pleased in bed, it’s hard for me to imagine a man who wouldn’t be mortified that he wasn’t giving a woman an orgasm.

    I used to feel extremely uncomfortable and ashamed receiving oral, until I met T who I knew was totally into me, and slowly, over time, felt comfortable trusting and allowing that, it took time and patience and a loving, willing partner, and honesty from me.

    Oh, you know what, I CAN relate, I am just remembering that I used to fake orgasms with T when we were first together.

    So yeah, first I had to let him know I wasn’t getting there (which felt incredibly shameful, humiliating, and vulnerable). It was a way of keeping distance…sex was about power and manipulation for me then, there was so much hate wrapped up in it. I remember now, many many many moments of cringing and feeling like I might vomit 🙂 It had always come so easily with other men who I was more in sync with somehow, so to actually talk about it and be conscious about it felt like…eyes squinched and caterpillars in my intestines, hands protecting my soft belly, head shaking back and forth and tongue hanging out gagging sometimes. Not sexy, at all.

    So, starting with a willing partner who is interested in pleasing you and you feel like you can trust and let your guard down with is probably a good first step. For me, it was within the context of a committed relationship. T and I have always been non-monogamous, I trusted his devotion to me. He has nearly always been emotionally available to me.

    Does that help?



  270.  #270Syreena on May 26, 2013 at 4:02 pm

    Millie.

    I felt you re the joke issue and not being heard, shut down.
    When a person tells another person they don’t like the way they are being spoken to. If the person uses ” I was only joking” card you are too serious etc. It is denying the reality of the person who doesn’t like it and yes is trying to shut you down.
    Not many women find it funny to have personal ‘jokes’ made against them. This is very damaging. has the effect of women questioning if they are crazy or if their feelings are wrong. Neither are true
    This does not mean you are too serious or do not a have a sense of humor. It means you don’t find those kinds of jokes about you funny.

    “I cannot be your lover anymore.”
    As we walk away from what we don’t want, it opens the door to what we do walking in.



  271.  #271BeLoved on May 26, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    ” I think the no orgasm thing is more of my problem than it is the guys”

    One thing I have learned about men, is they LOVE to solve problems 🙂



  272.  #272BeLoved on May 26, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    I’m feeling like…
    squinched face
    shaking shimmying body
    shimmying shoulders
    jumpy legs
    tight belly, breathing deep,
    going into some deep trust.

    My son and DIL are wanting to move, they are living with her parents and realizing it is not a good situation for them. Stuck in a auto title loan they can’t pay off, no savings and looking for a way out.

    All I had to offer is…ditch whatever other bills you have to pay and pay off the title loan and get out from under that asap. There are other adults in the house that can pick up the slack, and if they don’t, you can live without electricity or cable for a while…
    ask relatives for a loan, and maybe move with me to Oregon where they can still live in what feels like the country but have city resources…

    I asked him what he thought of calling a family meeting, and he thinks it may be necessary but believes I should call it.
    Feels bad, feels too mothering, too mommy, feels emasculating to call the family together to see how we can help him…feels like…horrible, crying shrinkness that my baby might have to struggle and face some difficult stuff with my family, and
    uncertainty, whether it might be better for me to…
    it seems like he’d get more respect, be more seen as an adult and a young man who wants to do right by his family who needs help, than if mom asks,
    but I do have a better relationship with my sisters…so…
    uncertainty.
    Time to lean back and feel into it.



  273.  #273Sassy on May 26, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    Millie,

    Oh sweetie! You and I could be writing the same story about the same man! I’ve been in the FWB situation since 2009. There are some huge differences (one being that I am a whole lot older than you…). However, he is a “bad boy”, a player and a very selfish lover.
    That being said, I was completely addicted to him.
    As I said in a previous post, prior to two weeks ago, I hadn’t see him in over a year, for a variety of reasons. I have always gone to him also, he almost always communicates via text, etc. I will say this, he has always tried to bring me to orgasm via oral first. (There is a basic “man rule”, from what I understand ((I kno I kno not ALL men)), that “she cums first”.)
    Anyway, he always asked if I had. I personally have never had an orgasm thru intercourse, vaginally yes, else wise, no.
    After I left, we had a few texts, and on that thursday, he asked if I was coming over. I couldn’t. Since then, there has been minimal texting, and actually nothing since last Tuesday. I’m staying away from any further initiating as I was the expert at that! Hah!
    I am of the same thought process as you Millie. I have no good reason left for tolerating such bad behavior and treatment from him anymore. I hired him to “beat me up”, figuratively speaking, and now I’m done. I’m respecting myself more and taking care of me first.
    I can only go up from here, I’ve scraped the bottom of the barrel for way too long.



  274.  #274Zia on May 26, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    I am feeling frustrated at myself for playing the “what if” and “wish he was still here” game and thinking about my ex. I wish I could just move on and forget about him! 🙁

    I am dating, I am putting myself out there and meeting guys. He wasn’t even that good for me so why can’t I just let it go and move on??



  275.  #275Syreena on May 26, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    I feel annoyed, I feel angry and upset.
    It feels ridiculous to not expect a man who is a Father to not take care of his children needs.

    Of course I bloody well expect it. I want to challenge him and ask why he thinks that is ok. To have a child and then ignore abandon and not take care of his children needs.

    It seems nonsense to not expect this.
    Yes I get I can’t make an adult do this.
    No I do not get that I am ‘supposed’ to be so so sensitive to that a man doesn’t want to hear that is a VERY WRONG to not take care of his child’s needs and be more sensitive to upsetting an adult man than a real child. Yes I want that adult man to STOP ignoring his real flesh and blood child.

    This makes me feel very angry and very helpless that I have no control over making him look after his child properly.
    How on earth can I leave a child who is reliant on that adult in that adults care.
    I feel angry, I feel resentful, it takes two people to make a child.
    My heart hurts.
    I regret having children with this man.
    I feel pissed off, how on earth was I supposed to know that this would happen.

    His answer is to IGNORE, SWITCH OFF, TUNE OUT and put distance between the child and himself so he can’t hear what the child wants. I fluctuate between wanting to hurt this man and make him step up.
    Then I want to kick him out of our lives.
    I feel so angry, hurt and helpless.

    I don’t know what else to do apart from limit child access.
    If he can;t prove he wants to and is able to listen and meet his child’s needs, then I will mot also neglect my child. This is deliberate ignoring. He has even admitted it. This is not clueless behavior. This feels really bad.



  276.  #276Syreena on May 26, 2013 at 8:03 pm

    All I am able to do is state what I want for my child and show with my actions I do not want to tolerate this.
    And limit unsupervised access to absolute minimum.

    I feel sad that this is my reality.
    Yes I know that



  277.  #277Luzydel on May 26, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    Just here late night wondering why I end up choosing men that are bellow me… and I do not mean that in a derogatory way, but in a way men who do not measure up with what I deserve. I tend to settle!

    CaptainCd is in a trip with his ex, no wonder a few weeks before he was distancing. Funny thing is that she is not all that; even 10 years older than him and treated him like crap (even killed his dog) well that’s his version. He said that nothing is going on, but no one goes on a far away trip with an ex they consider crazy. Some men lie so much… and Some women like me settle when we can do so much better!

    I just feel a bit bumped about this, so just venting here! I am trying not to hate all men, even when it is so hard, so I am just going to “hate” the men I used to choose and learn to love those who I will choose in the future!



  278.  #278Luzydel on May 26, 2013 at 9:51 pm

    I feel jealous; angry; frustrated…I feel embarrassed to admit I feel jealous! My mind is going all over doing some damage control to my emotions. I imaging CaptianCd with his ex in a fancy vacation having fun and not even a thought of me crossing his mind! and I feel angry with desires to take a plane there and punch his face for being such a liar!

    Then I look at my pictures and see how dam good looking I am; how talented and how much people around me care! and then I ask myself why do I want something/someone I do not really want?
    Is is my ego? am I hormonally attached? or like a previous post was I just stuck in the potential?

    I don’t know, but I feel jealousy, anger and frustration! I wonder if he will ever contact me again…and if he does, I hope I just don’t care… Like all the men from my past who have contacted me and I just don’t feel it any more…



  279.  #279Tereana on May 26, 2013 at 10:38 pm

    Well, it appears that my intuition is back “online” after having been a bit out of whack earlier this weekend.

    Not sure if my visit with the guy on Friday night was what set it off. It might have been. Not the visit, in and of itself, nor the content of it. But the fact that I didn’t want to wait until Saturday, even though I was tired Friday and I knew it. Whaaaat? What is up with that? I’ve no idea.

    but then I realized later, and/or noticed how much I knock myself out for people when it isn’t even necessary – when they even tell me I don’t have to. Case in point: the guy told me on Friday “not to push it” when I told him I was tired. That felt good. Why did I go through with it? Again, I don’t know. Maybe I was so tired that I wasn’t thinking rationally or able to make a good decision. *great*

    Anyway. It’s over now. It happened.

    Maybe the whole thing is over. Maybe it was getting overdone, anyway. Like a hamburger you put on the grill, and it gets past that nice juicy stage, and you think you’ll just cook it a bit longer, and before you know it, it’s a tough, leathery mass and totally uninspiring. Maybe I should just take it off the grill before it’s entirely inedible…lol

    Which is why…I still haven’t written to him. Even though I want to. I thought of something else to say. But if I don’t want this thing to get totally burnt to a crisp, I am going to have to cool it…



  280.  #280Tereana on May 26, 2013 at 10:50 pm

    Wow! Syreena and Andrea, I just read your responses to my earlier post from Thursday. And I felt so warm and wrapped in goodness reading those. You really understood where I was coming from, even if the guy didn’t (at the time).

    Andrea – to answer your question, it was a “date” in that, we set the time and were meeting for drinks. I was the only one who ordered food, because I was hungry and it was dinner time for me. He either ate beforehand or wasn’t hungry yet. I had an intention to pay for his drink as well, because I “owed” him (which I didn’t, in my mind, but it was kind of a joke – at least to me). I didn’t feel that I owed him, but it was going to be a gesture on my part, or something. If we both eat dinner, I think it makes more sense for the guy to pay. Of course, most men won’t let me pay when I go out with them, even if they order nothing. And I’m totally okay with that 🙂 He at one time said something about “money issues.” I don’t know what it means. I guess he just spends too much on himself. Ha!

    Anyway, with this guy, the main practice (for me) is non-judgment. There are so many opportunities to judge him. And it may well be that a very rational judgment indeed is that he is not right for me. Yes, I feel quite certain he is not right for me, long-term, because I don’t feel like a Queen around him. But that doesn’t mean that he isn’t someone I can’t “practice” with and learn from in the short term…

    We’ll see how it all goes



  281.  #281Millie on May 26, 2013 at 11:02 pm

    @ Sassy

    It’s weird because I can see how FWB lowers one’s self worth, but I didn’t really see/feel it in myself. Maybe because I’ve kinda been involved so long that those bad feelings feel “normal” or even dare I say “good?”

    In his defense, he does try to make me come. I would not necessarily say he is a selfish lover, but he admits he is a selfish person. He always does oral and more, he is very passionate, but it never happens for me. In the beginning we discussed it more, but I think since it has gone on so long, we both just don’t talk about my orgasm absence anymore.Psychologically I felt attracted to him, comfortable (or at least I thought I was), and turned on. I always chase the orgasm, but sigh….nothing. I can only give myself one! How odd…I think I need a sexpert, haha.



  282.  #282Millie on May 26, 2013 at 11:18 pm

    Syreena,

    I feel so sad and angry for you. How fucking frustrating! I don’t have children, but I feel very sensitive to them. They cannot choose the situation they are born into, nor can you predict how a man will change emotionally once the child is born. If this were another responsibility, for example, doing the dishes, you could choose not to do it and communicate how you don’t want to be in charge of that duty and give him the opportunity to step up. It’s hard because in the case of a child it can’t work that way. It’s a living breathing person you end up doing more to compensate for his lack. I wish you didn’t have to be both the man and the woman in this. I feel bad your child is missing a father right now. It’s easy to say that with time he will realize the effects of his mistakes, when his child has no respect for him, but that is assuming and not the current reality. I feel empathy for your situation. ((Hugs))



  283.  #283MovingMagic on May 26, 2013 at 11:55 pm

    I’m in the dating more than one man, & being sexually exclusive phase of cd’ing. What a powerful place to be in! You mean I don’t have to wait around for a particular man to invite me out? You mean it’s okay if he doesn’t, because I’ll be out anyway? Whoa! What an amazing concept. My inner work in all of this is in being fully present with each man. I found my thoughts going toward one cd in particular. I would like to embrace more of the “out of sight out of mind” attitude. Any pointers ladies?



  284.  #284Zia on May 27, 2013 at 2:09 am

    Millie – I bought the book “Slow Sex” and find it really good, I think it was on this blog that the sirens were discussing it/suggested it?? It might have something in there for you?



  285.  #285BeLoved on May 27, 2013 at 6:08 am

    263

    Dominique – thanks for this…what comes up for me, really, is that I need to tweak and invest a little more in my online profile.
    A man I met online actually gave me some good advice that I’m going to take about my photos, and I can get more specific about what I’m looking for so I can meet people more aligned with my values….plus now I feel inspired to try to get a little more involved in my local community before I leave.

    I was just about to ask about career advice, and remembered you reading “What color is your parachute”, so I’ll read that and go from there. I have SO much strength and power and willingness to feel and explore and take risks in me that I feel like if I got some legal training I’d be a great asset in the birthing rights arena…and I’ll see what I get out of the book and go from there.

    On a tangent, I’m feeling SO proud of my son and DIL. They are such an awesome team and so totally have each others’ backs.
    In my conversation with my son, I asked him if what he was doing was working for him, and what did he think life might be like if he weren’t punishing himself 24/7 for stuff from the past….he couldn’t wrap his mind around it, but next thing I know, I get a call from him that he and his wife decided that the environment (living with their parents) isn’t good for them and are ready to find a way out.

    I feel SUPER good about my willingness and ability to support and accept his commitment to staying there, have no agenda, no advice whether he should go or stay, I really don’t know what’s best for him and he and DIL are rockin’ life and figuring it out for themselves….so sweet to see them mobilize, together. My son always says, “S and I decided together that….” or “I talked to S about it and we decided…”, he never acts, at least with me, as if one or the other of them is in charge or as if he has no choices of his own and just goes along with her like I’ve heard some men talk.

    Hooray hooray hooray for ditching the crap I was taught as a child and instead of perpetuating the BS, I broke the cycle and wow what an amazing young man I have been blessed with!!!!

    After I called him when his wife called for help, he told me he felt emasculated.
    “Ok, I hear you. I will not do that again. If she calls me to ‘tell’ on you again, I will handle it differently.”

    Feeling pride and joy and bubbling over ….
    now…off to check out some meetups and reserve a book at the library.



  286.  #286Femininewoman on May 27, 2013 at 6:40 am

    “Here’s a thought you can keep with you…when women feel unloved, they cry. When men feel disrespected, they get angry. It has the same depth of hurt for them…make sense?”

    Patty Contenta



  287.  #287Smile on May 27, 2013 at 6:59 am

    I just shredded the love letters sent me when I was in my beginning years of being a ‘teenager’
    I feel great sadness that I’ve kept them for 15 years and now they’re gone but they just contained an empty sadness I wanted to get rid of. It was always the potential of what it could be. I’ve got something real now.



  288.  #288Smile on May 27, 2013 at 7:04 am

    Dominique, 257
    Thank you, insightful to read.
    Respect equating to how a man feels loved… I think it was James Bauer who said this? This is something that stuck with me when I read his stuff.



  289.  #289Smile on May 27, 2013 at 7:05 am

    I just noticed in 286 when I read back I didn’t even include strummingmans name… Unconsciously it must have left me, or so I like to think lol 🙂



  290.  #290Sassy on May 27, 2013 at 7:39 am

    I don’t know who mentioned the site hookingupsmart.com,
    but thank you. I’m getting alot of info out of it and its helping me with my decision to let go.



  291.  #291Indigo on May 27, 2013 at 7:55 am

    Millie

    I have a couple of things to say, if I may?

    For one, I have noticed that my tendency to orgasm easily, almost effortlessly, is tied to my emotional openness. Almost like there is a direct line between my heart, and down there. When I found someone I clicked with emotionally who allowed me to be as open emotionally as I could imagine, the orgasms flowed, not just one but several. Could this be something for you? Do you think you could be closing up your heart?

    Also, what jumped out at me, maybe because of my own experience, is, I wouldn’t second-guess that this FWB arrangement has made you feel good. It has, sometimes you leave feeling full of love and glowing, and sometimes it doesn’t feel so good, like now. Things shift, especially as you embark on a healing, self-awareness journey, and the good and bad feelings ebb and flow. I think sometimes we like to put things in a box and tie a neat bow around it, like “he’s treating me badly and I must be such an idiot for putting up with it” when sometimes it isn’t that simple. I would think of it as, this relationship served me, and on some level I knew what I wanted and needed. Can you take the good, and take it with you, wherever you go?



  292.  #292Indigo on May 27, 2013 at 7:58 am

    Beloved 254

    When a guy gives me his number, I always say playfully, “oh I’m a girl, I never call guys, let me know if you would like my number”, just as an experiment.

    And many times it has worked very well.



  293.  #293BeLoved on May 27, 2013 at 8:16 am

    Indigo, thanks I’ll try that!
    With this other guy, I told him I felt curious and wondered why because it’s happened before.
    Then wouldn’t you know…RIGHT after that, comes a message from a guy who’s like…”My name is J, what’s yours?”
    and…he likes dolphins…, the whole short interaction with him has been really easy and comfortable and I’m remembering what OLD was like back on the Olden Days, when it was easy and fun. I think I just got used to The Hard I appreciate the reminders to keep remembering to relax and enjoy.



  294.  #294Millie on May 27, 2013 at 8:46 am

    @291 Indigo

    I think I have a hard time “letting go” maybe in my muscles or yes, emotionally. That could definitely be part of the problem as I didn’t always feel loved and accepted in the relationship.

    Yes, I also agree that it did serve me and that he is an important part of my life. He does/did make me feel good. That is why it is/was a struggle to stop seeing him. I allowed the FWB because I liked it for one, and I practiced accepting him for what he could give and how we worked best. It was enjoyable. For so long, I’ve been hung up on how “good” he makes me feel. I guess I’m saying and realizing now, that he can give me nothing and I will still say “oh but he feels so good.” When the reality is..it doesn’t feel good all the time and I need to give more validity to those feelings rather than resorting always to the good feelings as a reason to continue. But yes, I will always have the good to take with me, that is something he and I can both acknowledge. Thank you 🙂



  295.  #295Indigo on May 27, 2013 at 9:11 am

    Millie

    Yes, it is interesting to me how our relationships with people can shift and change as we heal and evolve, time will tell whether they will continue to be a part of your life.

    I think it’s good that you can notice and feel the not so good feelings as well, as they are an important part of the process.



  296.  #296Dominique on May 27, 2013 at 9:41 am

    Millie – 264 – Women do not commonly orgasm via intercourse alone without some additional clitoral stimulation. You are NORMAL. Sometimes if you’ve already come before he’s entering you, another one can be stimulated.

    xxoo



  297.  #297Dominique on May 27, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Millie – Orgasmic response can also be cultivated. I discuss this at length in my book as well as my video program.

    To get you started – http://sexandheart.com/orgasms

    xxoo



  298.  #298MovingMagic on May 27, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Millie, do you feel like it’s time to turn a new page in your life? Or will you continue to accept FWB guy into your life?



  299.  #299Sunflower on May 27, 2013 at 11:08 am

    @smile, It felt soo..good reading your ‘disappointment posts’ and then the way you flipped it to be appreciative.

    It caught me at a time when I was feeling a similar disappointment with a CD who is genuinely hardworking with scattered time.

    I felt a sudden calmness comeover reading you express your feelings. It was an ‘aha’ moment of for me, to learn to cacth many feeling side by side- that I can feel disappointed, and I can feel appreciative of hard work, and I can feel anticipation for the next date, and I can be having fun anyways..:).

    Smile, Thankyou for that lovely post, so full of feelings…-:)



  300.  #300prplpsn28 on May 27, 2013 at 11:41 am

    Must say I’m feeling really good. Ended up having a great wknd with H. Since he ended up not going to Tennessee we got to spend alot of time together. All his initiating. And thanks to Dominique! You’ve been such a great help. It’s a work in progress for me but am concentrating on all the GOOD and TRUSTING.



  301.  #301Dominique on May 27, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    Awesome Purple, awesome. YAY you!!!

    xxoo



  302.  #302Lisa on May 27, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    Question for the experienced sirens…

    What if you want to apologize… is that ok to contact a man… been in a relationship 5mos… OR do I wait until he contacts me again?

    I’m working on why I’m apologizing and making sure, I don’t want anything in return for it…

    That might be hard to do… apologize and walk away… BUT easier than apologizing and staying and waiting for him to do something.

    I feel he also “owes” me an apology, but I also realize that… I feel good about ME when I take responsibility for my share in a situation ( on my own) and know that he may or may not take responsibility for his share… then my conscience is clear…

    blessings, Lisa



  303.  #303Femininewoman on May 27, 2013 at 5:20 pm

    Lisa what happened why you feel a need to apologize?



  304.  #304Hana on May 27, 2013 at 5:50 pm

    Hi Ladies, I’m feeling totally insecure over Amir. I am getting tired of the way Men are, and sometimes I just want to give up and not work on this stuff anymore, it feels too hard. I’m making an effort to circular date, even though it’s hard because I love him so much 🙁

    But, I don’t want him to feel like I’m very desperate for him only, and that is the vibe that’s coming to him now I fear. SIGH. I feel rejected and insecure and gross, and too tired to do the tools



  305.  #305Lisa on May 27, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    303 @Femininewoman

    He ask me last night on our date to spend the night at his house. We had already had a convo about him working it out to spend nights at my house. I told him I needed reciprocation. He said he would. When he ask me last night I just couldn’t answer… I tried but I was torn between wanting to and standing my ground for what I had already said I needed him to do. He kept asking me through the evening and I just couldn’t get an answer out of my mouth. Finally I did say that I didn’t want to answer b/c I would start crying. We talked about it some…. he finally got his blackberry and said lets set a date for me to spend the night.

    I was happy, but I didn’t tell him… and I still didn’t answer him.. He left frustrated and just said Ok well sleep well and I love you…

    I called him up to say that I did want to and he was frustrated with me… that I didn’t answer him sooner and now he had just had a new plan to go home alone…

    I wanted to apologize for not answering him… he said it felt cold and manipulative… I wasn’t trying to be that way, I just wasn’t sure yet what I wanted to do… when he left I realized that he made a date with me to sleep over and that I didn’t tell him how happy that made me… feel. I also realized that, he put the effort forward and that made me feel OK to spend the night with him.

    So long story… I want to take responsibility for making him ask me, pretty much beg me to spend the night… and not answering him… I realized that, he was right, it was uncaring and cold. Even though I didn’t mean for it to be. ( or was I coaxing him with silence?) I’m not sure what Rori would say about what I did. But for sure, I realize it wasn’t honest.

    So, I don’t know if it is ok for me to call him and lean forward to make an apology or if I should wait for him to call me….?

    <3



  306.  #306Lisa on May 27, 2013 at 6:51 pm

    304 @Hana

    I get what you are saying… I totally feel that way too…. and it’s ok… it’s what you feel and its valid…honor it… love where you are…

    It is hard inner work… some days… I want to give up too…

    {{{Hugs}}}}



  307.  #307Hana on May 27, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    oh Lisa, doll it is good to get some support from you, thank you. I just feel too tired being a single mama and deal with these men haha…. I want to be patient and I want to be free, but it just feels too difficult to juggle all of it, and if you knew me you’d know that if I get overwhelmed it’s really hard because I’m quite the do’er! HUGS to you too! And you said “some days it’s hard” you are right, tonight feels sad, but I will try to keep loving my inner voice, and hopefully it’ll kick in eventually. Tomorrow should be a new day. I just haven’t heard from Amir for a day and it’s frustrating, even though I have dates with other men, I should treat Amir like them, but I am very attached. I need to do more for me, and change some of the habits of going dancing where he may be, I need to higher my “degree of difficulty”. Do you agree?

    UGH, I just hate the hot and cold that men are so good at being.



  308.  #308Hana on May 27, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    I forgot to comment on your comment and I wanted to lol! Lisa,

    When I asked Amir why he came back to me, it was because when we danced one night 5 weeks ago, I asked him about if he ever thought about the times we shared together, he said “Sure, when we were dancing,and stuff” And I said that I think about the romantic times too (like going to the beach), and doesn’t he ? I cried at that moment, and he said “people are watching, Hana, don’t cry” And I said “I don’t care who’s watching, if I feel like crying, I can’t help myself” And he told me that’s when he started to let himself remember all those times we shared, and he thought about it more and more. And after a month he asked me out out of the blue to go to the beach, and I was surprised, but he said “You said you wanted us to go to the beaches together like we used to.” LOL, after 8 months of no txting, and all it took was for me to open my heart and be honest about my feelings, cry and be vulnerable and open. It let him in. So, my advice for you, and I don’t know if it is good advice, but really… Rori teaches us to really be truthfully honest and open with our feelings, and no matter how you feel it is what you feel and you should have no fear to show it, it will be good for you in no one else, but really it will allow him to be vulnerable with you because you are with yourself.

    XO



  309.  #309Lisa on May 27, 2013 at 7:34 pm

    @Hana

    I know what you mean…. I’m single mom, who homeschools and tries to run her own biz…and doing Rori’s work ( as wonderful as it is) is so hard for me b/c I’m already overloaded…and like you a do’er…

    “M” loves how I “feel” as he says I’m all “woman” and he likes it… I cry when I feel like crying and I laugh hard when I’m joyful and I giggle when I’m silly and I sing and dance when and where ever I feel like it…

    So, it can be intense for men to be with me b/c I do feel my feelings very authentically… and in real time…

    “M” just called me and I was shocked… I don’t have to worry about leaning forward b/c he leaned forward tonight and called… wooohooo! I told him how happy I was that he called…

    Just for me : the hot and cold thing did bother me until the other day and then I had a “click” …that when he is cold that is the time for me to be with me and love me… pour it on me… I paint myself with love… and since then it has been much easier for me to deal with the hot and cold b/c when he gets cold…that is my que.. and I love it.. b/c I don’t have to worry about it – HE lets me know when it is time for me to turn on to me…

    Men are such good teachers…. I think…

    {{{{ hugs }}}}



  310.  #310Millie on May 27, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    Thank you Zia and Dominque for your reading suggestions, I will check them out!!

    @MovingMagic 298-
    Well…..that is a tough question. I want to turn the page. I want so much to bring more, different, better suited for me men into my life. It has been a challenge for me in the past not to reach out to FWB guy and I feel strongly that I will not do that anymore. I feel in my bone marrow that I do not want to be that or do that. He says we will always be friends, if he contacts me I feel confident that I will decline to see him. I feel that right now I don’t want his presence lingering in my life because it is hindering me. Maybe in the far future he and I can talk as friends, but then again at that point who knows if I’ll want that friendship.



  311.  #311Hana on May 27, 2013 at 7:43 pm

    Wow, I love that Lisa, I am going to learn from you and look at that as a positive thing, so mature and creative! Ok, so let’s face it, these 8 months I’ve done some of my biggest growing, really. And why would I stop just because he “needs” space.

    I love hearing about other single moms, it’s so hard isn’t it? But, there are advantages. I’m sorry, but I don’t know much of your background with M? I haven’t followed this blog too much, but I’m finding it to be very good support. I’m happy that he called you, so the whole thing with the apology has been worked out I take it?

    Xo



  312.  #312Hana on May 27, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    I feel much better now, and I’m reading Rori’s book again, I refuse to be hard on myself and get all defeated. I’m awesome, and I love me and the more I do, I hope he will find me irresistable as well. If not, someone else awesome will!



  313.  #313Lisa on May 27, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    @Hana

    I didn’t apologize b/c I could sense that he didn’t want to talk about our argument.. he wanted to laugh with me and keep things light… men are like that… and so we talked about our days – I leaned back… and spent the day on me…

    and he didn’t bring it up… what I did say was…

    “Honey” ” I love you” and for me that wasn’t leaning in b/c I did it with no attachment at all! I didn’t care if he said it back… I just wanted him to hear it… and it felt good…

    I will sit with it more about “why” I didn’t answer him and then when I really clear on if I was withholding or not… I’ll apologize.. from my heart and not from guilt or for any other motive…

    I love how this work keeps us honest and authentic… b/c that is sooo important to me to be that way and my man……. helps me see where I’m not being authentic…

    {{{{Hugs }}}}}

    yes being a single mom is the hardest job there is… be gentle with yourself…



  314.  #314Zia on May 27, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    Yeah being a single mum sure does add an extra challenge to the whole circular dating thing!! Still, I wouldn’t have it any other way.



  315.  #315Dominique on May 28, 2013 at 7:03 am

    Lisa – It seems as though fear kicked in when you couldn’t express how pleased you felt, happy, that he wanted to set a date. And this is okay.

    If he hadn’t expressed frustration, I would still have suggested apologizing. And tell him sometimes the words have trouble coming out.

    Remember too – he doesn’t owe you an apology unless he thinks he needs to give you one. Being in this mindset is having expectations of the kind which only hurt you.

    xxoo



  316.  #316Lisa on May 28, 2013 at 7:23 am

    315 @Dominique

    yes, I’m just not sure what the fear was… why the words wouldn’t come out…

    and yes, he doesn’t owe me an apology… that would be expectations…



  317.  #317Dominique on May 28, 2013 at 9:36 am

    Lisa – You don’t really need to know what the fear is. We could speculate, and likely it has something to do with vulnerability and how scary being in this can be which comes down to fear of rejection and/or abandonment, the most common fears.

    Having the awareness is key, so next time you will remember what happened this time, and try to get those words out anyway despite the fear.

    xxoo



  318.  #318Lisa on May 28, 2013 at 10:23 am

    @Dominique

    True! very True!

    {{{Hugs}}}

    Thanks so much!

    <3



  319.  #319IamHis on May 29, 2013 at 9:43 am

    just popping in! THISCLOSE to being done watching Targetting Mr. Right.

    Rori, your imitations of men who are looking to “take something from you”

    vs. men who are looking to “give something to you” absolutely cracked me up!! Thanks for the laugh. 🙂



  320.  #320seahorse on May 29, 2013 at 10:05 am

    FW-

    I’ve been at the hospital with a friend for awhile and the post I read last was Feminine Woman’s self confidence post.
    I have been sitting and feeling and remembering/thinking………………… I am feeling better. I love that I don’t have control. Only over me and that feels so open and self confident………..When married, I was TOLD I was too nice, then it switched to bitchy then something else…………….Do you know what I used to think when I heard that stuff? I thought “What’s he want from me?” I would CHANGE what I felt I wanted to do…………….. I would pleeeeeaaasssseeeeee him……………. None of that lasted very long. I would forget and revert back to form. Know what my natural form is? ………..It’s happy…………. And confident and smiling, LOTS of smiling. He would get mad again. I see the forest now. I have been praying for forgivness for all. I pray for the best things to happen to all. I am answered and I feel blessed. I pray and meditate on my own patterns that are changing………… Love doesn’t hurt. I do not need protecting I am SEAHORSE with a giant over flowing heart that is the most glorious heart ever. Confident that I am. Confident that i am not crazy for being a gentle soul who likes to laugh and share and sing very silly songs in the shower and I can be and all can be it’s ALL ALRIGHT………… that feels so GOOD to write. I know what’s best for me……..what FEELS good and healthy and I am responsible for me………and I will be okay always. Thank you



  321.  #321Jenny on May 30, 2013 at 2:35 am

    I have also had the dissociation experience! It often comes with being stressed by what I am saying, i.e. revealing something I haven’t revealed before, perhaps even to myself. I usually have to stop talking. I can understand walking away too, though.

    Re the original post, I love the example of poetry, but I think it would take a lot of practice at writing things like that before I could say them, being more of a writer than a talker 🙂



  322.  #322Maxine on May 31, 2013 at 2:49 am

    I have recognised that I chase more when I am already in my boy energy and having a hard time switching back to feminine..in my life it looks andfeels like this…
    Him..how was your day at work
    Me..oh god terrible!! (Ramble ramble..know i need to stop but cant serm to)
    Him..responds and then says..ok..home now..no more work
    Me..(im hearing him saying..ok u need to switch hats now..can u be the girl at home now please) so i smile..lean back and chat…then somehow i manage to bring work up again
    Him…he goes quiet..unhappy that im still in this crappy boyy energy
    Me..senses hes backing off..suddenly i leap into action (boy even more) and start the chase
    Him…senses it as me overfunctioning..trying hard to chat and be happy when he knows all i really want to do is either have a moan about work or go on and on about me doing well
    Me..gets impatient and gets ratty when hes not open and responsive anymore
    Him..feels my edginess and thinks im getting annoyed with him or worse cant relax and be myself with him
    Me..gets worried i am pushing him away or not enough to make him happy…
    So on and so on
    Do any of u sirens relate to this and how do you guys switch hats from boy to girl? Itd feel great to hear how u guys do it rori makes it sound so easy…it isnt for me yet and my partner tells me i act like i never left work and that i can sound condascending and dictatorial…yuch! Help ladies
    Him..



  323.  #323MovingMagic on May 31, 2013 at 3:57 am

    Maxine, one of my best girlfriends has what she calls a “work hubby”…a coworker she gets together with and vents to about work related issues. It’s her way of not taking work home with her. That’s so creative to me. 🙂



  324.  #324MovingMagic on May 31, 2013 at 4:03 am

    I shared my feelings of disconnect with AttentiveCd yesterday & he responded so well & with so much caring. I felt so surprised! I shared the exchange with a good friend of mine & he said that men crave hearing a womans feelings (as long as it’s not blaming/arrow pointing). They need to feel connected too. When we share, it helps to build bridges to each others hearts. So lovely! 🙂



  325.  #325BeLoved on May 31, 2013 at 6:02 am

    322

    Maxine,

    “Me..oh god terrible!! (Ramble ramble..know i need to stop but cant serm to)
    Him..responds and then says..ok..home now..no more work”

    How does this feel??

    “Me..(im hearing him saying..ok u need to switch hats now..can u be the girl at home now please) so i smile..lean back and chat…then somehow i manage to bring work up again
    Him…he goes quiet..unhappy that im still in this crappy boyy energy”

    How do you feel here?

    “Me..senses hes backing off..suddenly i leap into action (boy even more) and start the chase
    Him…senses it as me overfunctioning..trying hard to chat and be happy when he knows all i really want to do is either have a moan about work or go on and on about me doing well”

    What does this feel like?

    “Me..gets impatient and gets ratty when hes not open and responsive anymore
    Him..feels my edginess and thinks im getting annoyed with him or worse cant relax and be myself with him
    Me..gets worried i am pushing him away or not enough to make him happy…”

    What does all of this feel like?

    ” and my partner tells me i act like i never left work and that i can sound condascending and dictatorial”

    What do you feel when you hear this?

    Break it down…what are the body sensations?

    That’s a good place to start practicing getting into girl energy.



  326.  #326Femininewoman on June 1, 2013 at 11:37 am

    Maxine maybe when work is a downer for you he feels responsible for making you feel better, maybe he doesn’t know how to. Maybe if you constantly find yourself bringing up work you can put your hand over your mouth and say ooops, I am such a girl I feel relieved when I vent. You could also tell him before that you want to vent and if he could give you permission to do so. Maybe have a prearranged time limit. You can ask him if he could just listen and that you are not asking him to fix anything. I have found that this works well with some men. Then let him know a hug would feel good.

    It might be just that he feels bad because he can’t fix the situation for you. He might be feeling helpless.



  327.  #327Kheyala on June 16, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    Hi Rori and friends, I recently went on to a dating web site – spiritualsingles.com and have been skyping with a guy in the US as well as another guy in OZ who is in a different state to me – I am in Australia. They both have initiated most of the calls and messaging… and the guy from the US has quickly got under my skin with how he spoke to me such that I started to feel really preoccupied with dreamily thinking about him! I found it almost impossible to continue talking to the other guy who is much drier in his conversational style. The US was really fun and I also sense he is quite wise and intelligent and he knows how to relate to a woman! Then he told me he has post traumatic stress disorder from a previous relationship.. we have been talking about that a bit. A couple of times he has cut off contact because of the PTSD he says. Then last week he had a doctor’s appt cos he hasn’t been sleeping, anxiety etc and he found out he also has high blood pressure cos of the PTSD. So now he is on medication for that and also stuff to help him sleep. He said he feels like shit being on the meds and doesn’t want to talk for a while. I wrote back and said…. “Ok babe… I am sorry to hear that..my love is with u … I can do what is called in my spiritual practice – the prayer of changes- that u r able to move thru this and allow the body, heart, mind and soul to be deeply healed and regenerated in the best possible way….something like – if u like me to…?” then I sent him a few links to articles about healing PTSD naturally. He hasn’t replied to any of that. I can feel that I have been offering help and advice and been “spiritual” and that that may be not the feminine thing to do! He also is very versed in health stuff so he may feel like I am treating him like he is stupid… It has felt kind of agonising not being able to talk with him although I have moved through these feelings quite a lot to where I am more relaxed now about it…. BUT wondering whether I should write to him if I don’t hear from him after a week (or 2?) to express how I feel and ask him whether I should just let the whole thing go cos he is too sick to continue to interacting etc?? Any advice Rori and gals?



  328.  #328Kheyala on June 16, 2013 at 9:01 pm

    Should I mention that I am aware that I have been giving him advice and trying to help him rather than simply being in my feeling and ask if that has put him off?



  329.  #329Rori Raye on June 17, 2013 at 10:42 am

    Kheyata, Skyping and phone and feeling dreamy has nothing to do with the reality of love and relationship – and can only be a fantasy life. If this is what you want, there’s nothing we can say that will help you. If you want real-life love, and not Imaginary – then date men in real life. Coffee, movies, walking, touching. In my world, that’s the only way it works. Love, Rori



  330.  #330Kheyala on June 17, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    Thanks Rori, yes I understand that it is not real until we actually meet and see and feel what is happening then – of course. But I also need to feel moved to meet someone – and I do with this guy. I also get that I am probably letting him affect me too much at this early stage. But wondering if you give me any advice about how to handle my communication with him right now before we meet based on the questions in my previous message? Thanks so much!



  331.  #331Kinga on July 3, 2013 at 7:08 pm

    Hey, I just bought Make Him Fall For You because you convinced me through your free mails that you really know what to do… I was seeing a guy for 2 weeks and things were happening really fast, we both got carried away by our emotions… the difference is I told him I am starting to have feelings for him… he started pulling away really slowly… and after when we saw each other we just had sex… I was texting him every day… asking him why he replied just hours later… making plans but he always had an excuse for not doing things w me…in short… I was driving him crazy… but I did not know it back then… so one day he just did not answer my message and there were 2 weeks of silence… after he apologized and we decided to stay friends… then it was sex… just friends again… sex again… what I do know for sure is that he likes me and cares for me but as he said he does not have the same feelings for me as he had because I did scare him, he thought he had to marry me the next week and he’s not ready for that… there were several “break-ups” that I initiated… I always told him not to text me or call me anymore… but somehow I always changed my mind when he replied… I had a lot of tantrums… but because I was not feeling good in the friends w benefits thing… I lied to myself: I can do that… that’s how I’m gonna get him back… that’s how he’s gonna have feelings for me again! but after every tantrum I felt he pulled himself further and further away… it went from “texting every day” to “texting on the weekends”… I love him very much, never suffered this much for any man before, I really want/wanted him to be The One… it had been going on for 5 months… I know it’s a short time to say I’m in love w him… but I am… I sent my “I don’t want to do this anymore” message again a week ago but this time there was no reply… and I’m afraid I lost him forever… but I cannot initiate any talk after that… I just feel so humiliated for the things I’d done, how silly I acted, that I just don’t know what to do to have him back… I really don’t… because who wants a crazy marriage-obsessed girl… I just wish I knew about your books and programs before I started this relationship…



  332.  #332Rori Raye on July 4, 2013 at 5:30 pm

    Kinga, Welcome – and you just need some new skills and practice using them. Circular Dating, Feeling Messages – everything that’s in the Have The Relationship You Want ebook (please get that – Make Him Fall For You is sort of advanced…you need the basics from the ebook) will help you tremendously.
    Love, Rori