How To Talk To a New Man About Your Kids

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Yes – I know this is headlined to be about a situation where you’re a mom and he’s asking questions (and it is) – but the principles I talk about here hold for ALL situations where you feel you’re being asked stuff you don’t want to talk about, where you have judgments about the men who ask those questions – so you can get a new perspective all around…

“Rori, I have learned some pretty significant lessons on what not to say to a man-date. It is difficult because I have adopted kids with my ex and I have no child support and he has no access to them by court order. Men can not understand this. And they find out because they ask or make “dumb” remarks that I can’t let go of. It tends to go like this:

Man: “So, you are divorced now how long?”

me: 7 years

Man: “so you have 2 kids, young adults, on their own I presume?”

Me: No, they are with me

Man: so, how old? boy? girl?

me: boy 12, girl 14

Man: !!!?

me: I came late to parenthood by adoption

Man: oh, so are you one week on one week off?

Me: No – unfortunately he has no access by his choice.

Man: !!! #$#^& ^&*%$@ @@$#%^

Me: well, it is by his choice. And we are doing quite fine, my kids are well adjusted – I spent a great deal of effort making sure all was well, and that is why I have only just started dating…

Like these convos are so incredibly awkward. That is why I just came up with the following line and it seems to be working much more effectively:

‘I am a solo mom, with 2 really terrific teens – I happen to really like teens much more than children – the father has chosen not to be a part of their lives and that seems to work just fine for all of us. It has been quite the ride for sure (I put this in because men know to have gotten here, I would have most likely gone through hell so just to make sure I am not out in lala land it is here) and we have worked through a lot of stuff and all is well.’

When they ask for more – I just say ‘naturally there are character building stories there and maybe one day I will share, right now I feel the present is way more important – it is all about how I feel and right now I am feeling the joy of being with you.’

That seems to stop all further questions, and it lets them off the hook with their own stories. Now I say, just the facts man: years married; number and age of kids; dating long? They love it when I say “just the facts man” as if I was a pretend cop. Thanks, Liz”

Here’s my answer:

Liz – first thing I notice is – in your written dialogue, “Man” is capitalized, and “me” is not! What’s that about?

Then:

1. Your dialogue is completely unnecessary.

It should start like this: He asks, “Do you have kids?”

Then you smile, you feel how much you love them, and you say “I feel so lucky, yes, to have these 2 great kids…they’re teenagers, they feel fabulous to have around…”

And every other sentence is a Feeling Message!!

You are so not unusual.

You have two teenagers – so?

All you need is a man who likes you enough to get to know them, and then will like them…simple…if YOU can be happy – THEY’LL be happy.

Stop trying to EXPLAIN things, or EXPLAIN the circumstances.

Absolutely IRRELEVANT.

Just share your feelings, not your history…

Now – how does this work if the situation isn’t about kids – but instead about your net worth, your job, your home, your choice of hair color or dress…anything?

Do you instinctively want to EXPLAIN yourself?

Do you instinctively want to tell a man the WHY of his question, the WHY of your choice?

Then just go back to my original instruction:

1. Catch yourself explaining yourself and STOP.

2. Breathe.

3. Feel your body. Become aware of the tension in your muscles, bones, cells, and relax them one by one.

4. Now have a PREPARED speech and script for anything that might come up – questions about your work, anything – in FEELING MESSAGES.

Like:

“I feel so lucky to be helping people…ohhh, I’m a social worker…” (or a nurse, or a teacher….just add more happy detail to how you feel about your work.

“I’m feeling overwhelmed these days being in transition with my work…so many decisions need to be made and I feel a bit…confused…”

Then you let him ask MORE questions, and you answer the same way.

Just “throw away” as an afterthought, or just as a matter of “context” what it is your job is actually, logistically “called” – so he knows what you’re talking about – and stick with the feelings.

Let me know how all this works for you…Oh – I’m working on a new program now that’s going to be all “Scripting” – so I’ll include this about “context” and “throw away.” It’s pretty basic to help you practice focusing on feelings and sensations and yet give enough fact so you both can follow the conversation on a “literal” level, too.

I realize I brought up another big issue here – about talking about your “history” with a man. This deserves a whole new post, so I’ll get working on it. For now – forget history.  Where you want to be is RIGHT NOW, this minute, this moment, this tiny bit of time that is the present.  Go there!

Love, Rori

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92 Comments

  1.  #1Tina on August 5, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    I was talking to a man on by phone, once or twice, he asked if I had kids, I said yes, then he says oh you have a history, I immediately felt triggered, like he was judging me. He has kids too btw. just sharing. I woke up today not wanting to get up, Eggshell man is taking me grocery shopping. I feel sad that things wont work out between us and him not be my forever after lol. im really more focused on my needs and wants and eggshells. I love my feelings of walking on eggshells. tip toeing with a smile.



  2.  #2Daria on August 5, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    I’m feeling great! I just read this Pat Carrington newslettter about being happy while I wait. and It’s clicked in!

    I’m feeling happy while I wait for pot to come to me today somehow!

    I was feeling all grr earlier and now I just feel lovely ! yay!

    And yes I want some company, that would feel nice, and being by myself here feels nice as hell too!



  3.  #3Daria on August 5, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    I want a resume to fit into one page, I want some resume pro to check mine out, I don’t know what to keep and what to leave, I feel bad when I want to change something, I want everything to “sing” I feel afraid it will not get better but worse



  4.  #4Daria on August 5, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    theres no money in this imagina spirit wordl i make, its just rainforest and huts, everything smells fresh and pungent, i feel refreshed and hydrated i am a leaf a quiverrrring

    pretty objects everywhere to put together, love and support and awe breathaking wow adventure magic

    this is my world i live in

    i think money and i feel afraid i love money, shiny gold coin

    pretty electric raindrop waterfall of numbers flash flash on the trees sticky molasses

    i have everything i need given to me i am a princess

    i am provided for my job is to adventure

    be happy go into the forest

    be with tohers share

    games

    and secrets and explore and discover



  5.  #5Lucy on August 5, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    I miss Shannon and Siena!!!



  6.  #6Simply Shannon Take II on August 5, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    Lucy: Thank you!! It feels good to be remembered. I felt surprised to read my name as I was reading this new post. Just happened to jump over here today. My life feels crazy busy at the moment. I’m trying to stay off the relationship train right now. Just feel tired from thinking about it so much. Still not on Match, still seeing Mr. Fab Kisser (though I feel that winding down). I don’t know what’s going to happen, and I feel okay about that.

    I hope you are doing well. I feel bad that I’m not here much. I know I’m missing out on stuff but I wanted to back off for awhile. Take a breather. 🙂



  7.  #7Brenda on August 6, 2010 at 9:53 am

    Tina,

    I thot you went grocery shopping yesterday??? What are you doing, girl? Just getting yourself out there to meet men…right under Eggshell’s nose!?!? 🙂



  8.  #8Brenda on August 6, 2010 at 9:55 am

    Shannon,

    Thanks for checking in! I missed you, too! Why are you a new Shannon Take Two?

    (Hugs)!
    Brenda



  9.  #9Brenda on August 6, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Bill’s favorite artist is Lady Gaga! That surprised me! What does that tell me about him? I’m asking…What do you all think of that?



  10.  #10Renee on August 6, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    Brenda — I think it says he follows the beat of his own drum…not many men would admit that Lady Gaga is their favorite artist, you know?

    My closing got pushed back tonight so I had to cancel my date and then my date from tomorrow night txted to cancel because “something came up” w/his sister and brother-in-law and he “has” to watch his nieces this weekend. I wrote back tonight’s guy and said I was now free on Saturday if he was available, but no word back from him yet.

    This is what I wrote to Saturday guy, “I feel disappointed, but I understand. Have a great weekend w/ur nieces!”

    I wasn’t really all that crazy about Saturday’s guy anyway, but the fact that he’s backing out for quesitonable reasons doesn’t make me feel good. I feel like if he were that interested, he would have suggested coming up next weekend as soon as he had to cancel. What do you think?



  11.  #11Daria on August 6, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    sometimes i think that feeling excited is like feeling scared, sometimes asking or thinking that something i want could be possible i feel so excited that i feel shut down because it feels scary im like quaking there afraid my body is tightening up in my throat but i keep asking anyway i love me its working yay i can feel my feelings without being run by them yay i accept good stuff omgosh even people giving me gifts yes i accept gifts from men thank you i feel ashamed and i love myself feeling my shame i love me i love that my world is changing to magic where i receive gifts from men like a goddess in the movies



  12.  #12Daria on August 6, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    i am dancing and im feeling so alive and more bigger than sitting in a chair in the same position for dayz – matrixized

    cool jetsons

    cha

    my favorite songs are

    teach me how to douggie
    toot it and boot it

    pon da floor – major lazer

    and some new orleans bounce

    and now im all jelly



  13.  #13Daria on August 6, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    i feel sad and bored at home

    i dont knwo where to go and who to meet

    my brother is coming this way but i dont feel sure

    i feel sad and left out by the world

    i dont know where to go to feel good outside and loved and communicate with people and connected and funning

    its sunny

    but where to go?

    if i had one person already there

    then they called me and invited me

    yeah that would rock

    i feel sad scared disappointed

    ick!

    i feel mad

    i feel good too

    i feel frustrated

    i STILL havent discovered the spot where i can meet people and feel good at

    RIGHT NOW

    i want to go there RIGHT NOW

    theres this park

    i feel afraid of my ex boyfriend there

    i want a park i feel COMFORTABLE AT

    thank you



  14.  #14Daria on August 6, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    feeling the disappointment

    in my face and my lower back

    and i love me while feeling this disappointment and face tension and lower back tension mmmm

    i love me

    i am so cool

    electrical storm



  15.  #15Daria on August 6, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    I love feeling my desperation this way

    i feel lonely as ff**

    so what

    i feel good

    im alone in a big house and

    i feel alone

    ok

    understandable

    im not in a village sourrounded by people

    im in a woody box thingy and other people around me arent paying attention to me

    and i feel lost in theis big city wher i dont know anywone who wants to spend time with me everyady

    right now

    i feel overwhelmed lost and alone in a crowd

    it feels weird

    this doesnt feel good to think aobut

    what is good

    i have a cat

    i have air
    and sun

    and trees

    vacation already

    air sun trees

    cat calm

    worms in ground? bugs

    wasps feel sad

    worms feel love

    deep under

    eff it theres worms

    i feel included

    like gnomes in the trees



  16.  #16Daria on August 6, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    hmmm

    maybe this is reminding me of being a lil kid and having to wait for my parents in the house

    and feeling stuck and not having fun playing at the afterschool ground

    i felt disappointed and alone like that then too

    i am an adult now and i get to do what i want!

    meaning i WANT to be here in the house with the cat

    yeah!

    ok

    i have power

    i can go out, i am here because i Want to be here

    because i feel close to the possiblity of showering

    of organizing my room

    of playing music

    of drinking a beer from the store … oops no cuz i dont have cash

    i am choosing to be here

    rather than be in the car

    i am close to the possiblity of vacuuming my car

    of painting my toes

    i dont HAVE to do any of these things

    they are accessible

    options

    so is Tv

    and hulu

    and

    craigslit

    and chocoalte cake

    and working out

    and clothes

    and laundry

    and EFT

    and pornos

    and … what else do i do in the house ?

    online contacts?

    uhoh

    this stop of ideas feels not good

    i feel humph and stuck and looking kinda confused lost and frustrated

    and concentrated

    scared

    expand and be loose feels scary

    holding on to my sternum for dear

    i love myself while im holding on to my sternum

    i love myself while im experiencing this familiar and not good feeling emotion that cuts my joy everyday and feels like defeat and give up ness and deflating a tire

    i love my feeling of being deflated like a tire

    i love my feeling of being deflated like a tire

    i love my feeling of getting pumped up with red lave

    i love my feeling of rebellion over powerless ness and my feeling of powerlessness and defeated disappointment

    i accept to live and i accept myslef even if i hav ethis feeling periodically for the rest of my life

    it doesnt feel good i love me anyway

    i love me for having the feeling for the strength i have to endure the feeling and feel happy again after the feeling

    i love my feeling

    thank u daria

    i love my pain

    i love you

    i love you that you love me thru the pain

    i love your pain

    i love you in periodic daily emotional pain

    i love you daria

    i love you daria even though you feel dumped disgraced unwanted and left out

    i love you though youre not cool enough to hang with the big boys

    i love yo uthou no one really loves yu and wants your love or your energy around them

    no one needs you

    i love you tho no one needs you

    i love you tho no one appreciates you

    i love you tho no one craves you

    i love you tho no one chooses you right now

    i love you tho u suck at attraction

    i love you tho u have no results

    i love you tho youre a giant horrible failure

    i love you tho you’re such a disappointment

    i love you tho somethings wrong with you like an autistic child

    i love you tho you were expected to be so great and now clearly theres somethign crucially wrong real irrediamably wrong

    i love you tho u are a giant disappoitment to your race your family your family line your close friends and everyone whos ever loved you

    i love you tho you feel horrible about your self and so disappointed in yourself that you judge yourself

    i love you tho u fail in your eyes

    i love you tho ull never be good enuf in your eyes

    i love you tho the odds of you being a billionaire are one out the world and you will never be that and your inner desire critic will never accept you and will always feel let down by you for not reaching and crushing his dreams as a child

    i love you

    i love you

    i love you

    cool

    i hear you dad energy

    i love you dad energy adn i know a part of me already knows how to feel safe giving you back to my dad where you belong

    i love you daria energy and i am calling you back clearnsed and purple like genie smoke in me sprakling violet and deep cloud and flower welcome back

    i love you pinched daria and absolutely nothing to do daria

    i love you sigh poor daria

    i love you feeling tired disappointed alone with the lego blocks

    i love you to a toodler and beyond

    i love the idea of you

    i love the idea of you

    i love you crying

    i love you
    i love you

    i love you

    i love you and i want you in this world and i feel glad you came here and i always wanted you to come and i am so glad you are here

    i love you i love you i love you

    i love you

    i love you

    you are the answer to my prayers i love you

    i love you

    if your mom didnt want you or love you i love you

    if your dad didnt want you ro love you i love you

    i love you much much much much much

    i love you

    i love you

    i love you in the doubt you have if i always loved you

    i always loved you in the past and i love you now

    and i lvoe you now and i lov eyour confusion of when you didnt feel loved

    i love you

    i love you

    i love you

    i love you

    i love you

    i love you

    i lofve you

    i love you
    i love you

    i want you and lov eyou

    i want you on this earth

    i want you on this earth

    if the earth doesnt want you on the earth i want yo on the earth

    i love you

    i love you

    i love you



  17.  #17Renee on August 6, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    Question — if the guys you’re writing aren’t asking you many questions about yourself, would you write them off as being narcissists? (Or at least, borderline narcissists). I’m writing a doctor (never really dated many doctors before) and I ask him questions, but he never seems to ask me any in return…he’s cute and obviously successful, but I’m thinking I don’t know if I want to mess with this guy…or maybe he’s here to teach me a lesson, and the lesson is: if a guy doesn’t ask you any questions about yourself, he’d self-absorbed and not worth your time.

    The last time I called someone on that (before I started reading Rori) it didn’t go over well. How would one bring up that concern without blaming and with a feeling message? Interested in your suggestions…



  18.  #18Tina on August 6, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    I met eggshell man last night, he came here, of course not bothering to call me to say he would be late, I called him instead, yeah I leaned forward so what! we made plans that he would be here at 6pm to pick me up and go grocery shopping, but he was just leaving his house when I called. Oh yeah, I cant remember how the convo went but somewhere along the lines of “I feel” anyway, he said oh your going to feel bad when I tell you what I did for you today, I said no, I wont feel bad because that is the way I want to be treated. I need to feel a priority, #1 🙂 .



  19.  #19Tina on August 6, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    Renee, I think guys like it when you ask them questions. Im not sure what Rori would say.



  20.  #20Renee on August 6, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    Tina — I seem to remember part of her program discussing how the right guy will want to be all in your life, know all about your life and not shy away when things occasionally get stressful…maybe I’m remembering incorrectly, but that seems to ring a bell.

    If this guy lived in my city, I wouldn’t think as much about whether to give him a chance, but he lives like 3 hours away, so it would be an effort (on his part) to get together and I would feel guilty wasting his time if I just planned to use him for practice…perhaps that isn’t very “sireny”, but that’s how I feel.

    But it’s really starting to bug me that he sends me jokes and answers my questions at lengthy (which is fine) but never seems to have any interest in me or my life…I’d love to know what Rori has to say…



  21.  #21Tina on August 6, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    Renee, I dont feel good either, lean back and do nothing but feel. This feels weird to me, Im not looking for a penpal, Im looking to date real men, not boys 🙂



  22.  #22Tina on August 6, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    Brenda, Im not sure what im doing. I love it though. I love me, my needs and wants, my needs and wants. I feel bitchy, I have to remember to keep my heart open, yeah.



  23.  #23Lizzie on August 6, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    Ha Ha! the eH guy has been sending me notes – interestingly when I do a feeling message with the “what do you think?” at the end, I have noticed the men step up and actually answer the question. This is a notably new experience. My feeling is he will be keeping in touch from time to time while on vacation. I have also noticed I am not feeling this compelling need to meet him – this is also a new feeling for me. It just feels nice, relaxed and I am not invested in the outcome – either I am maturing (not likely) or the little practice I have been doing with tools is making a nice difference.

    On a separate note – Dorothea, I did the olive oil and tea tree oil bath. My parts are extremely sore, so extreme that I could not go out tonight. I am hoping I will be in better shape tomorrow as I am golfing and walk the course….oh the pain! I have hives-like sores from one end to the other. I read on the net, to do the tea tree oil bath and antihistamine. DONE. I also did stuff normal for yeast infections – the druggist said STOP! and do the tea tree oil bath. Seems the active ingredient in the yeast infection stuff contains an acid that causes more irritation than the latex allergy reaction. Good to know. I must tell you, the skin on the rest of my body feels amazing! I have rashes all the time and I don’t think I have felt so amazing in a really long time (except for the sore lady bits). I can’t thank you enough!!!



  24.  #24lm on August 6, 2010 at 9:40 pm

    oh lizzie, that sounds painful! no fun! i hope you feel better soon.



  25.  #25Matmony m123 on August 6, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    Being a mom u have too many responsibilities. Dating a new man you can tell all the facts about u and ur children. If he accepts then u can proceed with that man……..



  26.  #26Tina on August 7, 2010 at 12:50 am

    I feel like crap. I feel like crap. I love my feelings of feeling like crap. I had to hug my “little girl” tonight. I gave her a big hug and told her I would never abandon her 🙂



  27.  #27Tina on August 7, 2010 at 1:17 am

    Eggshell man doesnt “turn me on” anymore. I dont feel turned on, I dont feel turned on. I feel turned off, I feel turned off, I feel turned off, I doubt there is anything he can do or say. I cant go back, I cant go back, my wants and needs, my wants and needs, my wants and needs, my wants and needs. Tonight I ate a cheeseburger, he called, I purposefully left my dialup connection on so i wouldnt hear the phone ring, I rented a movie, its a great place, I dont need to fill out stuff and they dont have late charges, god bless The Universe. anyway, I was happily munching on my cheeseburger and didnt the effin phone ring, it was EGGSHELL MAN! holy F, I was like oh hi, he said hi blah blah blah, I said Im eating a cheeseburger, watching a movie, I dont feel like spending a lot of time on the phone, I kept it short and sweet, and tried to say bye first , I want to say a huge EFFFFFF word 🙂 CRAZY MAN. He wants, yes he wants to go on another trip! like tomorrow, Im not feeling it, go figure, anyway, Im going again, am i nuts or am i nuts?



  28.  #28Tina on August 7, 2010 at 1:19 am

    I have to break off this exclusive thing like pronto.



  29.  #29Tina on August 7, 2010 at 1:22 am

    My son doesnt want him around me anymore. My son said he will tolerate him for not much longer, he overheard me and my mom talking about my experiance. I really dont want to get my son involved, he is older , 17 but still…



  30.  #30Renee on August 7, 2010 at 4:25 am

    Lizzie — I hope your sore “parts” get better soon! I’m allergic to spermicide, so whenever I try to use a condom or one of the other types of birth control with spermicide, my whole vulva swells to twice the normal size and burns — it’s awful! I tried bathing with epsom salts, and that seemed to help. I also did a betadine douche, which was soothing…maybe that would help?

    I know what you mean about asking, “what do you think”. Last night, I was texting a guy from Match when he sent me a friend request on FB. (Through our conversations, he had figured out my last name.) He hinted in his text that he’d like me to accept his friend request, and I said, “I don’t know how I feel about accepting your friend request. I mean, I don’t really know you that well yet…I really just want to take my time and really get to know you. What do you think?”

    He said he understood and that he was just like his profile described (which frankly, isn’t all that descriptive, but anyway)…in any event, just adding that phrase to my statement seemed to make it go down easier, you know?

    And this is the cowboy who sings part time (whom I don’t think is all that good). I’d LOVE to know what Rori would say when he asks me again how I like his singing…he sings old-style country (like George Jones “He Stopped Loving her Today”, etc.) and that’s just not my style, plus he goes flat sometimes, so while I could listen without plugging my ears, I don’t know how to be autentic in answering him without hurting his feelings.

    He remarked that maybe I would let him sing for me sometime….it’s a shame he’s not a better singer cause the idea of someone singing to me is really sweet and this guy is definitely a cutie, and, he seems SO into me — he’s the main one, the day my dad went to the ER, who asked me how he was doing and said a prayer for him, which was really sweet. He says unlike most men I know, he’s not hung up on sports or work, but he’s a hopeless romantic and is really into making the woman he’s with happy…I don’t know how I feel about that…it almost sounds like he’s a little needy (he will sometimes send me 2 or 3 texts for every 1 I send him)…what do you think?



  31.  #31Renee on August 7, 2010 at 4:50 am

    I feel better today than I have in a while (my headache’s pretty much gone, my dad’s home from the hospital and doing well and my closing finally happened last night so I’ll get a commission check on Monday) and the weather’s wonderful!

    I have a date tonight with Robert for dinner and to stop by a friend’s party. Robert’s the first guy who actually lives in my city that I’ve been out with in a while, so it would be nice to actually hit it off with him…

    I have a question for you gals — I haven’t heard from my Sunday night date for 2 days, so I’m wondering if he’s having 2nd thoughts about our date…maybe I’m just being a little insecure here, but he DOES have the ability to txt msg and he DID log on to eH and look at my profile yesterday, so why didn’t he send me a quick, “Hello” txt?

    I feel like telling him something like, “Hey there — haven’t heard from you in a couple of days, so wasn’t sure if we were still on for Sunday. If you’re having 2nd thoughts, just let me know so I can make other plans” (I’ve got tickets to see “Jersey Boys” in a city that’s about 2 hours from him — about and hour closer to him than where I live). I suppose that would be very un-sirenlike, but I don’t want to be scrambling at the last minute to find someone to take with me to the play if he’s going to flake on me. What do you think?



  32.  #32Lizzie on August 7, 2010 at 5:47 am

    HI Renee
    How about asking him if he would like to see Jersey Boys with you? How about:

    Hey cute guy, I know you have been planning our wonderful date for Sunday and I have been given tickets to the Jersey Boys, It would feel incredible if we could build that in – what do you think?



  33.  #33Renee on August 7, 2010 at 6:47 am

    Lizzie — Sorry I wasn’t clearer…he’s already agreed to go see Jersey Boys with me, it’s just that after we made tentative plans to attend that a couple of days ago, he didn’t make any further contact. I can tell from looking on eH that he logged in and looked at my profile yesterday, so I’m trying to tell myself that he’s just playing it cool, but I’m not a big fan of guys playing it cool — I like attention! (as long as the person lets me have my space on occasion).

    So now I’m wondering whether I should say, “Hey, I haven’t heard from you so I don’t know if you’re still planning to go to the play with me or not. If not, that’s ok, but I’d rather know now so I don’t have to scramble at the last minute to find someone else to go with me.” What do you think?



  34.  #34Lizzie on August 7, 2010 at 7:54 am

    Renee, my experience and feeling is if he has agreed to see the show with you, he has accomplished what he needs to do – he has a date – and since it is a show with tickets, it is pretty unlikely he is going to bail on you especially since this has replaced golf. Lean back!

    have a read of your message – you are seriously discounting yourself. Funny I would notice because in my life before Rori, that sounds exactly like something I would say.

    If anything, I might do:
    “Hi, I am feeling wonderful and excited to see Jersey Boys with you tomorrow! I would like to confirm our meeting location. Thank you and have a wonderful day”

    I arrange dates a week or sometimes even longer in advance and usually only have a follow-up on the day of. Have you arranged a meet-time and location, dinner after or anything like that?

    Jersey Boys is quite fun – I enjoyed it. Lots of “f” words!



  35.  #35Bellstar on August 7, 2010 at 8:13 am

    Rori, I have been doing Targeting Mr Right which is fantastic and I have 2 questions. I’ve been dating a man long distance for a few months while circular dating others, usually I travel to him, he buys the train tickets and when I’m at his house does everything, treats me like a queen and pays for everything. I also go out alone with other (male) friends while I’m in his town and really enjoy the whole experience. If I feel good about is it worth asking him to come to me more often even though that’s not my first choice?

    Secondly, the leaning back & circular dating is working and he is now asking me how I feel about him many times. I feel like I love him but he has not told me he loves me so I don’t know what to say to his question!

    If you could help me clarify this it would be great.



  36.  #36Renee on August 7, 2010 at 8:23 am

    Lizzie — Thanks for your reply.

    I guess I’m just comparing this guy to the others who are texting me like wild men and finding that I’m enjoying the men who are making more contact with me. Of course, most of them are still trying to line up a first date with me, and you’re right — it does seem like once that ‘date’ is accomplished, they seem to back off a little.

    We haven’t set a firm place/time to meet yet — all he knows is what time the show starts and we haven’t talked about drinks/dinner yet. But I spent a lot of money on these tickets and I would be totally annoyed if at the last minute I ended up having to go alone because he cancelled or something. I guess the fact that I spent so much on the tickets is what’s getting me uptight (I bought them months ago, before I ever met this guy).

    But I guess if he flakes, surely I can line up my mother or one of my sisters to go — I have box seats and I’ve heard it’s wonderful! My brother and his family saw it on Broadway and even my nephew (who doesn’t like plays) thoroughly enjoyed it.

    Thanks for the warning about the “f” word…nothing can compare in that regard to “Avenue Q”…did you see that? It was like an x-rated muppet show! I’m serious! I took my mother to the show and here there were puppets on stage doing 69 and every other raunchy thing you can think of! I was so embarrassed! I got the tickets from a colleague at the last minute and all I knew was that it was a Tony-award winning show, so I figured it would be really good. OMG! It was the raunchiest thing I’ve ever seen!

    I made it up to her the following month though — we saw “Wicked” and it was really good, but I bet I’ll like “Jersey Boys” even more because of my famiarity with the music:-).



  37.  #37Lucy on August 7, 2010 at 9:10 am

    Renee, last night I was feeling just like you are about my date with WH today — hadn’t set time/place yet and I was worried he was flaking — I kept texting Brenda to help me get through it and lean back!! I was so happy when he contacted me (finally!!!) this morning and we’re still on for tonight! Kinda annoying not hearing til last minute, but like Brenda and I talked about yesterday — this guy seems pretty special and may be worthy of my mercy and grace. And, he said he was getting his three kids squared away for the day too (whatever that means — but I know what it’s like with three kids — even older ones like both ours are!)

    I am really excited, happy, and nervous!!!!

    (Thanks again, Brenda, for helping me stay sane yesterday!)



  38.  #38Renee on August 7, 2010 at 9:28 am

    Lucy — I feel so happy for you that you have a date with WH tonight! I’ve seen you mention him several times, but I think I missed the originaly thread where you described him. He must be pretty hot? What does he do? It seems like you two have a lot in common?

    Really excited for you — I have a date tonight with Robert (a local guy I met on Match) and I txted him this morning asking for another picture under the guise of not being able to recognize him at the restaurant…the truth is, he only has one picture posted online and that’s making me nervous. In the one pic he does have, he looks very attractive, but really — how much can you tell from one picture that’s kind of far away? He hasn’t responded at all to my txt either….hmmmm…



  39.  #39Lucy on August 7, 2010 at 9:45 am

    Hi Renee — this is his newest song — he’s a singer/songwriter but also has a job in marketing.

    http://www.meredithweb.net/taste-of-honey.mp3

    Mmmmm. 🙂

    Wonder what he’s like in person….

    Our texting has been very fun….



  40.  #40Lizzie on August 7, 2010 at 9:52 am

    Ugh! I completely messed up my day – I didn’t realize what time T-off for my golf gang was and missed it by 2-hours. So I have decided not to go – I am actually still in terrible pain anyway – even though my lady-parts seem to be calming somewhat, I am terribly uncomfortable, the “bubble-sores” are still swolen and present. I wonder how long it will take to be gone? Seems when I have had to recover from latex condoms, it hasn’t been this bad. hmmmm….I wonder if my body is just saying chill and rest to me; slow down for a bit…don’t go anywhere – it is quite painful to walk.

    Family Guy – the one who lent me his tools – and I had a tentative plan to meet in another week, in another city….I haven’t heard a peep out of him since last week. I am guessing it is not on and I have decided not to do a follow-up. I will message him late September about giving him back his tools.

    I am starting to figure my way around eHarmony (after a 1-year hiatus), and now have “checked out” the profiles of a pile of people so now I am leaning back to see what results come my way. La di da!

    I shall spend my day working on stuff I had fallen behind on so that when I go on vacation at the end of next week I won’t be hauling work with me and hopefully my lady bits will just get better. This is the worst reaction to latex I have ever had – I wonder why???

    Wow am I ever aware of my lady bits! I love and cherrish my lady bits. I must treat them with loving tender care….I can breathe right down into my lady bits, feel healing breath in my lady, breathe out all the toxisity from my bits, flow out, out…I love my lady bits. Clear everything out, all the toxins out, feel Family Guy wanting me, I am glorious, I am vibrant, I am so alive, Family Guy just wants me soooo much. I love my lady bits.



  41.  #41Renee on August 7, 2010 at 9:56 am

    Oh Lucy — he’s a MUCH better singer than the part-time singer who’s texting me…my guy’s cute, but he goes flat a lot and sings old George Jones kind of songs (not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s just not my taste). I love that song — did he write it?

    My part-time singer also works in marketing/sales full time…huh, interesting. Did you meet this guy on Match or another site?

    Lizzie — try the betadine douche — it really helped me!



  42.  #42Lucy on August 7, 2010 at 9:59 am

    Yeah, he wrote it. 🙂 He is very cute, too! And funny and fun and smart. I met him on pof, but he claims he was trying to get my attention for MONTHS on eharmony — I have a profile on there but am not a paying member so I never knew he was trying to contact me. lol. Then he found me on pof and emailed me.



  43.  #43Lizzie on August 7, 2010 at 10:35 am

    Renee – please what is betadine?



  44.  #44Renee on August 7, 2010 at 11:13 am

    Lizzie — It’s a derivitive of iodine (it’s not as harsh as iodine) and it really helped me when I was all swollen from my spermicide allergic reaction. You can buy betadine douche at the store already mixed — I think it should help you heal.

    Lucy — I feel so happy for you! I know this is probably just my perception, but I seem to find that I do have more in common with people I’m matched with on eH — more than people I randomly meet on Match or in a bar or something…so I have a good feeling about you 2 hitting it off!

    And I’m so glad you leaned back and let him finally suggest getting together…I was matched with this one guy once and we got to the txting stage and he was txting me every morning and night and hinting that I’d have more fun with him on a date than with the other guys I was dating. He made a couple of hint like that, but didn’t actually ask me out, so finally I said, “So when are you going to show me what a great date you are?:-)?”. We ended up making a date, but the morning of the date he cancelled — he said it was because he’d been through a rough breakup recently and he wasn’t “ready”, but the truth is, if I had continued to lean back and let him lead, I might be dating him today — guess we’ll never know!

    The moral of my story though is that I know how frustrated you were when he just kept texting and hinting, but you waited until he was finally ready to ask you out and I think you’re going to have a wonderful time! Keep us posted!



  45.  #45Renee on August 7, 2010 at 11:18 am

    I’m cracking up! Just read the latest eharmony newsletter where they mention 5 ways to tank a 1st date, and one of the things they mention is “over-sharing”. Now, I agree that over-sharing on a 1st date is a turn-off, but the end of their paragraph says to repeat this mantra to yourself, “It’s a date, not therapy!”. Lol — but it IS therapy — don’t you know?



  46.  #46Brenda on August 7, 2010 at 11:18 am

    Renee, RE: #17 – Listening and Asking Questions About You

    I have experienced some really deep communication styles that have proven to me that a man doesn’t have to show he’s interested by asking me questions about myself. Sometimes a man shows interest just by listening. Sometimes a man is interested but has not fully developed his relational skills.

    I had an unusual conversation with a US attorney in 1990. He gave me some life wisdom, and he was THE most intelligent man I ever met. He not only had intelligence: he knew how to use his intelligence.

    I had done some legal research in order to convince him to recommend a 5 year sentence for my first boyfriend, Arnold, instead of 10. My legal knowledge was very shaky and I spoke as rapidly as I could, trying to get it all out while I had my thoughts gathered, and fully expecting him to interrupt me.

    Instead, he listened intently. When I finally stopped talking, after a long monologue, he just sat there for an uncomfortably long pause, just looking at me. I started to feel squirmy under his silent gaze when he finally spoke. He said softly, “Are you finished?”

    I laughed out of embarrassment. “Yeah.”

    “Are you sure?”

    I laughed again, “Yeah.”

    He asked me very few questions. But he listened to me so intently that, after I presented about 5 complex legal points, he responded to all 5, in order, until he was speaking way over my head!

    Then he talked to me more on a personal level, having nothing to do with the case we were discussing. As I spoke, he didn’t nod or say, “uh-huh” or “really?” or any of that. He was dead pan silent and still.

    But his eyes were probing, asking, searching. He made steady, nervy eye contact, not once looking away from my eyes. Gradually, he linked to my eyes until he was reading my very soul. This may sound dramatic but it WAS dramatic!

    I could write a lot more on all he said, but what I realized is listening can and should be a very active skill, and yet it can take the appearance of total silence and disinterest.

    So if the doctor you’re dating isn’t asking questions or listening, it could mean several things…maybe he listens to people all day at work and is left emotionally needy and wanting to be able to talk freely. Maybe he is nervous because he isn’t emotionally mature in dating. Maybe he is intelligent and is watching your reactions and what you say spontaneously to get to know you (Bill does that). Or he just might be insensitive and self-centered. But I wouldn’t assume the latter. 😛

    What do you think?



  47.  #47Brenda on August 7, 2010 at 11:24 am

    Renee, RE: #20 – You said, “If this guy lived in my city, I wouldn’t think as much about whether to give him a chance, but he lives like 3 hours away, so it would be an effort (on his part) to get together and I would feel guilty wasting his time if I just planned to use him for practice…perhaps that isn’t very “sireny”, but that’s how I feel.”

    I have been feeling exactly the same about Balto! He clearly wants me to be his girlfriend, and he doesn’t seem to get it about taking time to develop the relationship. I got several emails and texts from him for a couple days after our first date. Then I haven’t heard from him since about Tuesday. I was doing my best to communicate that I want to get to know him better but I’m not all into smooching and touchy-feely stuff on the first date. His seems like a high school model of dating to me! Ick! There is so much more to a relationship than kissing and touching!

    So I want to practice with him, and I think both of us need practice. Yet he makes it clear at every turn that he doesn’t have much money cuz he’s on disability. So is it fair for me to keep having him drive two hours with $13 of tolls to see me when I highly doubt he’s husband material? I like him, I enjoy his company. I think he’s warm, friendly, soft-hearted, but it’s not the whole package for me.



  48.  #48Brenda on August 7, 2010 at 11:33 am

    Renee, RE: #29 – Cowboy

    He sounds like a total sweetheart! Renee, this is what dating is FOR! Give his flat country singing *ss a chance! Take your time to get to know him, while practicing your Siren skills! I think you’re just scared, woman! You’re shying off from all these amazing-sounding men! Just push past your discomfort and go to your free therapy! Love yourself! Muah! Hugs!



  49.  #49Brenda on August 7, 2010 at 11:43 am

    Renee, RE: #32 – Making Plans

    This is probably after the case, but I’ll comment anyway. I am almost positive Rori would say to just lean back and let him contact you. Because it is not about the plans. It is about the relationship. With everything you say and do surrounding these men, ask yourself, “Does this serve the relationship?”

    No, it doesn’t. You would be

    a. leaning forward
    b. not trusting him
    c. not letting him take the oars

    What is the worst thing that could happen? He’d let the boat go adrift and you’d be left at the last minute with two tickets. What is most important in the long term? A healthy relationship.

    Let’s say the worst happens and you end up going alone or not at all or you have to call a girlfriend at the last minute. It would be annoying and you would probably feel sad.

    But it could make or break the relationship. If he messes up, it could give him the chance to grow and maybe your relationship to grow. Or it could give him a chance to step up and maybe during the date you could tell him how you felt stressed out not having solid plans so close to the game time.

    Think about the relationship, not the circumstances.

    What do you think?



  50.  #50Brenda on August 7, 2010 at 11:48 am

    Renee, Re: #34 – You said, “But I spent a lot of money on these tickets and I would be totally annoyed if at the last minute I ended up having to go alone because he cancelled or something. I guess the fact that I spent so much on the tickets is what’s getting me uptight (I bought them months ago, before I ever met this guy).”

    Cringe! Just wondering…who were you originally planning to go with? This is setting off my leaning back alarms…I understand a concert is a concert and you already had the tickets. But unintentionally, you set yourself up for this stress, since you paid.

    So how did it all pan out?



  51.  #51Renee on August 7, 2010 at 11:49 am

    On the phone right now with cowboy…not going to work.



  52.  #52Brenda on August 7, 2010 at 11:52 am

    Lucy, RE: #35 – You’re welcome! What I just wrote Renee here are some added thoughts after thinking about it last night! 🙂 I hope you both have a wonderful time on your dates!



  53.  #53Jacqueline on August 7, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Hi, Ladies; I ordered the toolkit but I’ve noticed some info that is not on that set – what is all this information about leaving your hair long, making it lighter, painting nails? Is it in regards to feminine energy or attracting “male” energy? Anyone – here’s looking at you Brenda! smile….who has the info, can you tell me what all it says?

    PS @ Lucy – did we ever finalize the convo with Garden Guy? Cannot believe it, but I’m still wondering!

    Thanks, all…..

    Jacqueline



  54.  #54Brenda on August 7, 2010 at 11:55 am

    Renee, why isn’t it going to work with cowboy?



  55.  #55Brenda on August 7, 2010 at 11:58 am

    Jacqueline, which of Rori’s programs did you get? Some of the stuff we say on here, like me saying men like long hair (did I say that here? Or did I just say a man likes to see a woman in a dress?) is from our own experience. But, yes, Rori talks a lot about developing our femininity. For example, there are whole sections with guest speakers about pole dancing and erotic dancing for the bedroom in Modern Siren and Commitment Blueprint! And about getting in touch with your femininity thru touching objects and seeing how they make you feel, and making sounds, etc. Fun stuff! Rori rocks!



  56.  #56Brenda on August 7, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    Lizzie, RE: #38 – Sorry to hear you are in such pain and discomfort. Another thing that might help is coconut oil. It is my lubricant of choice! It melts at 83 degrees, and it is very comfortable in your Yoni.

    Also, I don’t like to voice this, but what if you got a disease? Even if you don’t, will you please go to a doctor about it? Sounds pretty severe and I’m worried about you.

    Sorry you missed golf, too.

    (((Hugs)))
    Brenda



  57.  #57Lucy on August 7, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    This was our text convo the other night:

    (btw he lives in de, i live in pa)

    We were talking about our recent dating experiences, then

    Him: put it this way I’m not in love lol
    Him: What about you Still busy with suitors every night?
    Me: I would say I’m sorry to hear you’re not in love but that would be a lie. 🙂
    Him: :*
    Me: Ooh, is that a kiss?! 🙂
    Him: Why yes it is :*
    Me: :* 🙂
    Me: To answer your question – I’m not busy every night with suitors. I did have a second date set for saturday but he just canceled cuz he thinks I’m not really into him. (he’s right.)
    Him: How about me sat?
    Me: I would love that! [i was actually jumping for joy when he said that!!]
    Him: 😀
    Him: Awesome!
    Me: I agree!
    Him: In [my town]?? Fun cap of the world?
    Him: Or do you wanna go to the beach?
    Me: Hey are you dissing my town? lol. Which beach?
    Him: Never dis. Love {my town]. Rehoboth beach.
    Him: Eat dance sweat laugh play in water after dark….
    Me: That would feel wonderful! I would probably get lost driving there. I wonder how far it is from here.
    Him: We have to meet and drive together and blast cool music and pretend we’re in highschool driving to beach to sneak into clubs
    Me: I feel happy and excited hearing your plans!
    Him: I have imagined you. You don’t want a steak you want an adventure or maybe an adventure and a steak.
    Him: Or maybe an adventure and a salad. But that does not sound as cool.
    Me: Lol. What do you mean you have imagined me? I feel wide-eyed with wonder.
    Him: I have imagined what a date with you would be like —
    Him: And I like the date.
    Me: I feel nervous that I won’t live up to your imaginings!
    Him: I am a kind man foremost. My imaginations are you have an awesome smile and will laugh at me when I try to make you laugh.
    Him: And your raven hair falls in front of your eyes sometimes.
    Me: It’s not as dark as it was – I got highlights last week. But you are right that I want an adventure! [how did he know that?????] Maybe an adventure and chicken parm.

    It continued and then morphed into talk about his biz trip for the next day, then randomly he said

    Him: Almost forgot the bumper cars and the strips of black and white photos where everyone looks sexy….
    Me: Lol. You’re gonna make me laugh so much I won’t be able to eat my chicken parm.

    And so on…. And now I’ve gotta go!!! Wish me luck! thanks for all your encouragement Sirens!!!

    <3



  58.  #58Renee on August 7, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Whew! Just got off the phone with cowboy — that is not going to work! He has this really thick hick accent…I know I’m not supposed to judge, but just the sound of his voice turned me off right away.

    And then we started talking about what we were up to today and he got into this whole thing about his songs and people asking him to sing and most of the songs he sings are ones I really can’t stand — I mean, stuff that I just couldn’t listen to and I’m not really very picky about music, I just don’t like old, old style country or rap.

    The other thing (and this is probably the most significant) is that his dream is to be a really big country singer someday and besides the fact that I don’t think he has the talent, I dated a guy once who wanted to be a famous singer and most of our ‘dates’ consisted of me sitting by myself in a club while he played music onstage. That was actually one of the things that broke us up — I told him I didn’t want to spend every weekend sitting in bars by myself watching him sing (he was jealous so he didn’t want me to talk to other people).

    Geez…and this cowboy was so sweet and into me too. Oh well..

    On the Jersey Boys show — that’s Sunday night, so it still has yet to play out. Tonight’s my date with Robert, who hasn’t answered my text from this morning requesting another pic (I suspect he’s pretending to not have received my txt so he doesn’t have to explain why he won’t send me one, which is very worrisome). He only has one pic posted on Match, and while he looks handsome in it, who really knows from one pic?

    So right now, I’ve got one guy lined up for tonight who may look like a troll doll and another guy lined up for tomorrow who may be blowing me off…if it were later in the evening, I’d have a cocktail, lol.

    Is there any way I can try to confirm my date for tomorrow without leaning forward? There’s really not, is there?



  59.  #59Jacqueline on August 7, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    So, Lucy how did you get over the I cheated convo? Sounds like you are having fun!

    Brenda – I got the Heal Your Heart toolkit – but I think it may be in targeting Mr. Right that she talks specifically about the hair, nails, teeth whitening, etc. because others on here have said, I did: xxxx&x like you recommended. Just wanting to either get the list of find out which program it is on.

    In regards to lube, I had 2 months of antibiotics at the first of this year!!! and it was kind of due to menopause and lube issues – I went to Walgreens and bought oral grade vitamin e oil – you can drink it for vitamin e and I use it, and put some up inside me with a plunger sometimes….and wow! it is THE BEST stuff, better than some $80 stuff I bought. NO after effects, not all that greasy and actually good for the vagina! I was pretty excited.

    Luck to all Sirens!



  60.  #60Lucy on August 7, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    Jacqueline, that was a different guy. I’ll fill ya all in on that later. gtg!



  61.  #61Jacqueline on August 7, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    PS @ Renee….yeah musicians have delusions of grandeur, talent or not. lol…and after dating a couple, I kind of suspect they’re in it for the chicks!! It’d be warning signals all over for me….good luck!



  62.  #62Brenda on August 7, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Lucy, THAT’S AWESOME! I know you’re gonna have a great time! Rehoboth isn’t that hard to find…



  63.  #63Renee on August 7, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    Lucy — love the way you handled it when he asked you whether you wanted to meet in his town or drive somewhere else to meet him…that was very clever:-).

    He seems like fun and he seems really into you, but please don’t do what I would usually do and that is get really into him right away…we all know that doesn’t lead down a good path.



  64.  #64Lucy on August 7, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    Hey! My sons are musicians and are amazing young men and def not in it for the chicks!!! They are in it for the creative passion and gifts God has given them. So there!

    Brenda, I’m meeting him at Lowe’s north of wilmigton and we’re driving to rehoboth together! woohoo! blasting cool music!!! (hope he likes keith urban and ingram hill! haha!)



  65.  #65Brenda on August 7, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Renee, now he is going to twang, i mean, sing,

    “Ah got tearrrrzzz in mah earrrrrzzz
    from lying on my back while Ah craaaaaah!”

    LOL! Yeah, I hear ya…



  66.  #66Brenda on August 7, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Wow he’s coming a long way….



  67.  #67Lizzie on August 7, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Brenda – thanks for your well wishes!
    It was the doc that accidently caused the problem – latex gloves or something on the instruments. It began within an hour or so of the exam and has progressively worsened. I did a search on the net for diseases – like herpes and I have none of the herpes symptoms – phew! I took a good look at the sores and they look like hives. Latex allergy has a considerable array of symptoms – swelling; hives; pain; etc. exactly what I developed. The net was also indicating the lub used could have been the problem. I might have irritated it with the yeast products like the druggist said. What a nasty!!



  68.  #68Renee on August 7, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Brenda — OMG! That image is so funny! We were txting all morning and now I don’t know how to blow him off w/o sounding like a bi***. I guess I’ll have to say something like, “You seem like a wonderful guy, but there just didn’t seem to be any chemistry there when we talked on the phone.”



  69.  #69Renee on August 7, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    Any way I can confirm tomorrow’s date at this point w/o leaning forward?



  70.  #70Renee on August 7, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Btw — date from tonight finally answered my (2nd) txt…yes, I was leaning forward, but I wasn’t attached to the outcome…if his pic had been bad, I would have gladly cancelled the date, lol.

    He’s actually attractive in both his pics, so I think I’m good:-)



  71.  #71Jacqueline on August 7, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    @ Lucy….I meant it’s the one’s who are NOT talented…that are delusional and in it for chicks!! LOL

    Please yall, help me with the list – gotta make sure I have all my i’s dotted!

    Grins….



  72.  #72Jacqueline on August 7, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    ps. so there?!! OMgosh….lol….



  73.  #73Renee on August 7, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    I’d help you if I could, Jackeline, but I don’t think it’s in either her eBook or Committment Blueprint and those are the only 2 I have.

    Anyone with input on comfirming tomorrow’s date?



  74.  #74Daria on August 7, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Jaqueline, I have all Rori’s programs and some of the styling tips are mininmal :

    feminine bracelet on the left – non-leading – hand to remind you of your femininity

    dress in colorful pastels

    feminine skirts dresses and shoes

    re-do hair and whiten teeth — hair does not need to be “lighter”

    consult a style expert if you want

    get professional glamour shots done for the dating profile

    basically dress up for yourself!



  75.  #75Renee on August 7, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    Ok — so I txted tomorrow night’s date (Indy guy)
    “I caught you peeking at my profile yesterday;-)”. Which started a series of txts that eventually led to his calling me and asking what time I wanted to meet…I feel so relieved that everything is finalized now! Yay leaning forward just a little, lol.



  76.  #76liz on August 7, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    Hi Renee…I’m new to this blog. Been following along. Do not confirm your date for tomorrow. Let him show you what kind of man he is. I believe men can pick up on our “vibes”…needy desperate or confident and secure. Be more confident…you’re trying to CONTROL the situation here which means you are FEARFUL of something. Are you afraid he will flake out at the last minute or worse not show up at all? Well so what! Then you know you don’t need to spend anymore time on him. Go out and treat yourself to something nice today…do a yoga class…get a mani pedi…just stop worrying and thinking about it! Sorry to be so harsh! I’m waiting to hear from a guy I really like that I haven’t seen or heard from in a week after a fabulous 5th date and its making me a bit kookoo I admit, but I will not call him under any circumstance. I like him a lot but I’m not going to convince him to be with me if he’s not feeling it. (That’s another story…another blog post). Anyway, I keep myself busy every day surrounding myself with people I love (I have 3 kids) and doing things I enjoy. In fact met 2 new guys at my Tango class last night! So get off this blog and get busy! Before you know it you will have an answer! Keep us posted! xo



  77.  #77liz on August 7, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    Hey Renee…ok so you leaned forward a little….lol. From now on let him show you who he is! Have fun on your date! 🙂



  78.  #78Renee on August 7, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    Well, I think it’s likely he would have called or txted at some point today or early tomorrow to ask when/where to meet, but I was going to worry about it tonight (because the tickets were expensive, even though I didn’t buy them specifically for him), so it’s very possible it would have affected my date tonight with Robert. So yah, I leaned forward a little, but Liz, I agree with you — from now on, he needs to show me whether he plans to step up…I know he’s interested, but he has to be interested enough to sustain a 3.5 hour distance, you know? Definitely waiting a while to have sex with this one (even though he’s a phenomenal kisser and it’s tempting).

    But I think if he’s really interested, he’ll ask to see me again next weekend…if he doesn’t, well, hopefully we’ll have a nice time tomorrow anyway and it’ll be a nice memory:-) Here’s hoping my date tonight goes well so I can have several players in the game:-).



  79.  #79Brenda on August 7, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    Renee,

    I don’t know if you saw my post in the 50’s about not contacting him.



  80.  #80Brenda on August 7, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    I just saw this awesome quote on my friend’s facebook:

    Love is giving someone the power to break your heart
    but trusting them not to. 🙁



  81.  #81Renee on August 7, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    Brenda — I didn’t see your advice about not contacting him and when I went back to look, I coudn’t really find it, but I’m actually glad I did. I was able to relax and enjoy tonight’s date, and this guy is an excellent CD partner…he’s sweet, pretty good looking (he looks a lot like Ryan O’neal) and doesn’t date around that much, so he’s good to lavish attention on me while I figure out what I need.

    We already had the discussion tonight about whether I wanted to settle down or whether I was just looking for someone to date (he asked me), so I told him I was looking to get married and I didn’t want to limit my options until the right guy showed up. He asked me how I could tell if the right guy had showed up if I was dating 6 or 7 guys, lol. I told him I was looking for whoever could make me the happiest and step up, and I didn’t think everyone I was dating would step up and be be ready. He seemed to understand that, even though he told me out of 6 pple he’s gone out with from Match, I was the only one he wanted to see again, and we left it at that.

    He just txted me that I was amazing and that he couldn’t wait to see me again…that’s the vibe of a woman who has “options”, lol. Just hope I can give off that same vibe tomorrow night:-).



  82.  #82Renee on August 7, 2010 at 8:35 pm

    Ugh — just heard from Cowboy again…at some point, I’m going to have to tell him it’s not going to work out for us…but I don’t know how…hmmmm…



  83.  #83Brenda on August 7, 2010 at 9:02 pm

    Go, Renee!!! I’m happy for you! Good job! I commented in #47.



  84.  #84Jacqueline on August 7, 2010 at 9:23 pm

    Daria, thank you – when you have time could you re-cap a little more on the femine energy vs. masculine energy? and why it works to be signaling to them – or are you signaling to yourself? how feminine you are. Sigh, I’d just love to be all girl, but I’m helping build a sunroom! and everytime my fingernails get all one length – bam! Got the hair thing down tho- almost below shoulders in back, ha! even when the stylist told me it wasn’t a good look for our “age.”…anyway, thanks again. I’d really like to understand some of the whys for what the actions are.

    take care, all yall!



  85.  #85Rori Raye on August 8, 2010 at 9:32 am

    Bellstar – Welcome, and – I’m not sure why he doesn’t come to visit YOU…? If he asks you – tell him the truth – “It feels great to be with you. I love being with you. It would feel great to imagine being with you forever. What do you think?” Stay open, stay warm – as long as you’re not “hung up” – you can say the truth and that’s fantastic. Love, Rori



  86.  #86tinque on August 8, 2010 at 10:41 am

    Jacqueline – masculine energy is doing, and feminine energy is feeling. it’s not that we a women never do masculine energy. we have to as when at work or when building you sunroom.
    what you are aiming for is to be in your feminine energy or feeling energy when around the men you are dating.
    as for long hair not being a good look for an older woman. I say rubbish. My hair is almost waist length, and I am well over forty. It looks beautiful and sexy. as long as it’s layered, you can keep your hair as long as you wish for as long as you wish.



  87.  #87Brenda on August 10, 2010 at 7:45 am

    Jacqueline,

    Have you tried Modern Siren? It really, really helped me to be in my feminine! I just love the visualizations, especially the one to “breathe in” through your vagina, and then exhale shimmering femininity, falling down your breasts and over your body. Rori said if you imagine this while standing in a public place, like a coffee shop, men will definitely feel your vibe and be attracted to you.

    I think it’s both about feeling your own femininity and allowing a man to feel it! Because when we feel our own femininity, we feel beautiful! And there’s something about being around an attractive man that makes us feel good about being a woman!! Wow, I love this site!



  88.  #88Jackie on August 12, 2010 at 9:06 pm

    My boyfriend and I have been dating just over two years. From the very beginning he talked about our future down the road, first what we would do together the next year, then to retiring together. At our two year anniversary I asked him if he had marriage plans. He said it doesn’t make sense to get married before my alimony ends (7 years) and said he’d give me a 50% commitment after that. I broke up with him for two days because I said I wanted a commitment and I didn’t want to wait 7 years to find out whether he would. He said he would always be here for me and changed the 50 % to 100% after the 7 years. Im not ready now but I do want to know Im not wasting my time. He always talks about us in the future…like talking about the house he will build us, etc. I truly believe he is committed to always be together, im not as sure about the marriage part. I told him I wouldn’t live together without being married.



  89.  #89Jilly on August 12, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    Jackie..that doesn’t feel good to me. Reading that makes me feel bad, icky, not good enough….are you doing any circular dating?



  90.  #90Jackie on August 13, 2010 at 4:35 am

    No, Im not circular dating. Although he works out of town five days a week and I don’t get to see him very often. I know he is faithful. I have had others interested but I have no interest in them (yet anyway). I know how it probably sounds and I don’t plan on waiting 7 years. We really do love each other. There are so many things going on…the job out of town, a property he bought to flip near where he works to sell, 15 1/2 yr old son (who lives mostly with mom) etc. He was working at home but the company closed down so he took a transfer and we are desperately trying to get him back home. Eventually when I am ready for commitment (marriage) he will either have to step up to the plate or it will be over.



  91.  #91Jilly on August 13, 2010 at 5:37 am

    Jackie…2 years?!! and you aren’t ready yet? What are you waiting for?

    I’m feeling a little feisty this morning so please take this with a grain of salt but….

    I feel that you might be in denial…any man that wants to wait 7 yrs before he commits 50 to 100% is probably not going to ever step up.

    What do you think?



  92.  #92Jackie on August 13, 2010 at 10:03 am

    I just went through a divorce three years ago. I love him and want to be with him eventually but I want to date a little more. Is that denial…I don’t know.