How To Undo The Way You Treat A Depressed Man

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This is a jump off from Susan’s comment about placating her depressed man and wanting to undo all that->

Here’s what’s going on:

We placate a depressed man because we’re afraid.  It’s a coping mechanism we’ve learned and used our whole lives to keep our trauma reactions at bay.

We’re afraid for a lot of reasons.

Depression isn’t a feeling. It’s a COVER for feelings.

If you’re prone to depression, it’s like a heavy lid over the soup of your feelings, making you numb, listless, sad-seeming.  The “soup” keeps steaming out, and it’s usually icky feelings that come up – grief, pain…actually comforting feelings we’re used to.

if you’re prone to anxiety (my lid looks like this) – then you feel jumpy and fearful when the soup of your feelings is in tumult and strong feelings are trying to come up to the surface.

When you’re with a man who’s depressed or anxious, and you consciously step back and simply focus on your own life, on being happy, on doing for yourself, on loving yourself – it feels weird and awful – because…

1. You’re afraid if you don’t do the placating, usual behaviors you do around him – his lid will pop and all his icky, horrible, scary feelings will come flying out at you – AND this is true!  They will!  And…

2. You’re afraid that his feelings flying out at you will be completely terrifying for you, and so your own lid on your own soup pot gets shaky with anxiety (fear) and your own feelings start to bubble up. And…

3. As you actually DO the things you don’t normally do – stepping back, smiling, not asking questions, not sitting down with him, not “doing” for him – you are actually REMOVING the lid – the cover from your soup pot – and FEELINGS underneath the anxiety actually come to the surface.

You start feeling things you don’t LIKE to feel.  You feel fear, and helplessness, and old pain, and old anger, and new anger…everything you’ve been safely stuffing down by placating him.

This is all new, and all scary, and just downright weird.

It doesn’t feel “nice.”  It’s not what you were taught to do.

And here’s how doing this ANYWAY – little by little (and don’t expect yourself to rip that lid off your soup in one try – please be gentle with yourself – you have to feel your way through this) will slowly begin to change your life in fundamental and hugely powerful ways:

Just KNOWING to expect all this upheaval will help you.  Just expect that when you step back you will feel weird. And then do it anyway.

Smile, even though he’s moping.  Leave the house, even though he looks lonely.

And when you start to feel stronger, and learn how to use feeling messages and can go several “rounds” with a man in deep, connected conversation while staying in “Dance Position,” being in Strong Surrender and feeling strong inside…then…

Talk with him.

Sit down, do a “negotiation” like in my ebook – where you share your feelings about being in his presence when he’s depressed – your urge to help – your willingness to research cures for depression and let him know what you’ve found – what he’d like you to do about helping him – and that it feels bad to be around him when he’s down.

Now here’s the really powerful part:

The bottom line of depression is anger.  A depressed person is sitting on tons of rage.  And we sense this on a deep level – and so it’s actually frightening to be around a depressed person.

People usually would so much rather be around a depressed person than an angry person – for so many obvious and subconscious reasons – and so we almost automatically feed the depression rather than being able to facilitate the anger.

When a depressed man starts to get angry – that’s good.  It’s our job to let that happen, and move away from it if we need to – but not try to “reason” with it or “talk it down.”

Now – you can see that this feels like a minefield to most of us.  I mean, who would knowingly be willing to unearth and be present for rage in someone else?  We’d get triggered!

And yet – as you’ll find out – when that anger surfaces, all of a sudden the tension goes away.  The juice in the relationship comes back.  He comes back to life.

This doesn’t happen overnight – and your process of hearing and experiencing all that anger coming out instead of sitting safely beneath the surface is monumental and crucial for you – because YOU are sitting on rage, too!

That’s the thing.  When he’s stuffing it – you feel it more.  Then you stuff it, and he feels it more.

When you both slowly stop stuffing and start expressing (for him it will look more like a scary vent – for you – well – you know how to “Fall To Your Knees” – to “Sink Into Feelings” and use “Feeling Messages” so it will look and feel like a glorious, charismatic reclaiming of yourself and a vast feeling of personal power and self-esteem) – everything will change for the better.

And – if he’s not capable of change – you’ll know, and you’ll also know what to do.

In the meantime – expect messiness. Expect “ugliness” – and embrace it as BEAUTIFUL.  Expect “bouncing” in your feelings, and just ride with it.  Hang onto your feeling messages, stay with yourself and on your beautiful Horse, and just keep going toward the life you want.  It starts inside you – with the courage to experiment, retrack if you need to, and just keep going.

Let me know if this tidbit of understanding makes you feel braver.

Love, Rori

31 Comments

  1.  #1alias girl on March 13, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    i feel duped. in an amused way. 🙂 wtf. nobody told me i was going to have to feel THAT. nobody told me THAT was part of my soup. omg. i felt like i was going to freaking die of anxiety last night.

    but i feel much better today. better actually than most days. i feel like i am coming into myself. finding my authentic self. sharing that with others. i feel much less trigger-able. which is more pleasant of an experience for me as human being and i imagine for others around me as well.

    i feel VERY excited to feel what it feels like to live in an active healthy body not weighed down by old trauma, anxiety, depression, rage. omg omg omg WHAT WILL THAT FEEL LIKE? I feel very excited. who will i become? how will my life change?!!!! ohhhhh i feel sooo excited.

    guess who’s getting the Targeting Mr Right program?? has anyone else ordered it yet?



  2.  #2Ann on March 13, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    Rori thank you for another post which helps us learn how to treat ourselves better. With the offset being it’s good for everyone around us.

    I’m wondering if they’ll be much response to this post, it seems depression is one of many health problems people are fearful to discuss.



  3.  #3alias girl on March 13, 2009 at 6:34 pm

    for sure, ann. like a huge percentage of the population takes medication for anxiety or depression. plus all the people not even diagnosed walking around depressed. yet no one wants to discuss it. certainly it lloks like NO ONE on my online dating site ever suffers depressive feelings. they are all very happy and active. (i am being sarcastic in case it’s not obvious) but yes my online army is all very perfect, well traveled, shirtless men looking for their female ten. heehhee.

    but seriously. depression kills. that ain’t no joke. even if the person manages to stay alive it is a very scrunched down life. it is unneccessary. there is a way through it. feeling one’s feelings is certainly a way.



  4.  #4Daria on March 13, 2009 at 6:39 pm

    My mom has been dealing with depression for almost all of my life and it is a big issue for me. Thank you Rori.



  5.  #5Daria on March 13, 2009 at 6:45 pm

    Today I took the GMAT and (after about 2 years of studying) got the impressive score of 790 out of 800.

    I wanted to get a perfect 800 and felt dizzy after, I yelled in the car at the top of my lungs I FEEL SO ANGRY! Really loud, it sounded more powerful than ever before. My head felt like the emotion was being blocked from coming out by some kind of plate that goes over my nose to under my eyes, like my lower sinuses.

    I feel good now because I can use this score to apply for a very high paying though time limited tutoring position at a certain company, although temporarily since what I really want is to have my own company thriving right now.

    I also have the scary ex leaving me a sounding nice message. I want to tell him I want him to return the money he took for me if he wants me begin to attempt forgiving him. I feel scared of being rejected or feeling “not good enough.” I feel stuckness, and ick, and shame imagining saying that. Perhaps I will say it anyways.

    I feel attracted to danger and associate it with adventure.



  6.  #6Ann on March 13, 2009 at 6:50 pm

    Anxiety has caused me the most problems altho, I’ve dealt with bouts of depression occassionally. I feel the reason most people don’t talk about either one is too much stigma associated with it. I also feel there is too much judgement of others in the world which makes it harder to help each other. OK shutting up before I get on a soapbox.



  7.  #7Dorothea on March 13, 2009 at 8:14 pm

    Daria you sound like me about the test score. JUST like me. But your score is out of this fucking world. So good that I have to cuss and tell you GOOD JOB, jeeeeez!



  8.  #8Tracy on March 13, 2009 at 9:42 pm

    Thanks Rori for this post,
    i feel so triggered by it and it’s touched me really deeply…
    i feel embarrased to admit it but i realize that i’ve actually been suffering from this form of dipression…its the reason why i have been attracting all these emotionally unavailable men…i always felt used in the end…i always felt i had to be nice to be accepted…i always felt inadequate…i still feel inadequate…
    I stil haven’t managed to speak my truth to the people around me.this is the reason why…i cover it up….i give out money,buy people stuff so that i can feel accepted…it feels like anxiety creeping in me..and my stomach feels tight…
    i always feel like the victim,i put myself myself down.I let people treat me unkindly.I feel now that i deserve better and before i can attract the right guy i need to take care of me first…i need to feel my pain and anger and all the irky feelings still stuffed down inside me..
    As Rori said its a proceess but i am glad i finally realise where i went wrong and what i need to do to get back on track.

    Love hugs
    Triza



  9.  #9Daria on March 13, 2009 at 9:42 pm

    Hehe Thanks Dorothea. Loved the cussing. Hehehe.



  10.  #10Melissa on March 13, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    Rori, what a relevant post for me. My kids dad (my ex) is stayng with us for 2 months to help w/ things. He has suffered from untreated chronic depression for years. While we were together, I would do EVERYTHING possible to help him out of it. Being overly nice, being mean, begging him to snap out of it, being positive about our future ahead of us, having sex.. NOTHING worked of course. (I did talk with his MD, who tried tio intervene.) I also became unattractive to my husband while we were married because I did NOT focus on myself. Most of the time NOW, I am focused on my feelings, my life etc. AND I feel (and I know) he is attracted to me again. At times, I impulsively try to fix his moods; BUT I stop myself. Go to MY room, get on phone, take a walk w dog..Thanks for all of your wisdom. Saw the movie Hes Not that into you tonight. Loved it. Felt interesting to have seen your posts before seening the movie..



  11.  #11Daria on March 13, 2009 at 10:39 pm

    Thought about calling ex back as he left a message asking me to on the voicemail. Started feeling anger and sweaty palms and fear. I decided to do it anyway (it did not feel lean forwardy for some reason). I called twice since the first time it went straight to voicemail. He called saying he now had his car fixed and can he come pick me up (I had told him he needs to have a car to come pick me up, I would not be driving to him). I said I don’t know, he said why, are you scared of me? (I had told him many times before I feel scared of him). I said yeah, and I feel angry at you, I said you know I care about you (he said yeah), I feel so angry though I would rather not have you around me than feel so angry. He said why, because I haven’t called you? I said no, because of our past history. He said something sexual but nice, I said oh. He said you don’t have to come with me we could just hang out,… I said I don’t know , you know how that goes (now that I think about this, I want to say something more clear than that next time, more authentic. He said you don’t want to make love to me? I said no, I am not ready to jump into doing that. He said ok. He said maybe next time? I said I don’t know… I have to talk to you, I have to get myself together to do that. (meaning find the courage to start adressing my anger at him and what I want (him to return my money)). He said ok I will call you again next month.

    He took!!!! this money from me. And now I am going to ask for it back, and I feel embarassed and scared of feeling angry and rejected and attacked. It’s like asking for your stuff back when someone burglarized you. But you know what, I believe I CAN do it, I WANT to do it, and I don’t want to be judging, I want to practice compassion and tolerance, which is something I set into this relationship to practice. Also practicing self esteem and strength and bravery big time. So I feel determined that I WILL ask for the money back, and give him a chance to redeem that wrong and be forgiven for it. He says he has matured, says he loves me, and I am feeling more comfortable expressing my feelings to him. I expressed very well in the moment.

    I give myself big props for saying clearly No I don’t want to jump into that (instead of my usual I don’t know) as far as sex.

    I feel more poweful now after talking to him. I see even more changes in myself. Awesome. And for the first time with this man I feel PEACEFUL after talking to him. I am starting to feel respected and like my feelings are being heard. Wow.

    I can feel out that rage. I can feel out the fear. Wow. Wow. I really feel at peace and I feel moved to that tears are getting ready to come out. They were those I read something in another language tears that I Can’t make sense of where they come from but this time they did seem to make sense. Oh wow. Am I really changing so much. I feel worried that I am fooling myself and that someone abusive does not change. And at the same time I feel open to accept all his changes. I feel interested and grateful.



  12.  #12Daria on March 14, 2009 at 1:35 am

    I feel scared to express my feelings with my Godsister who is sick. I am doing much better since my hypnosis sessions. I actually told her I feel bad.

    I want her to take the herbs I gave her to take. I feel so strongly that they can help her. I also don’t want to push upon her (and was able to actually say this to her!). She said she is unique and doesn’t like doctors pressuring her to do certain things. I really understand that because I felt the same way when a doctor at one point was pressuring me to have a certain procedure, and I said no, because my intuition told me to. I healed myself my own way. I feel so triggered by her illness because I think I know better than her, I want her to just Do what I want, but I know that perhaps it is best to let her cure herself, since that is the root of all healing. I feel afraid that she will die and I will feel awful for not being braver and more consistently insisting that she start the herbs, or do other things that I think are good for her. I feel scared of her as she is the kind of person who can get mad and go into a rage and I feel afraid of getting my feelings hurt. I still remember two times when she yelled at me in the past (although she was drunk) and how awful I felt. I now Do believe I am stronger and because I am embracing more of myself don’t have to be so scared of her anger, because it is part of her and not really about me. I feel scared of my Godsister and I feel ashamed about that. And I love my shame and my anger towards myself for feeling weak. I love my unworthy, weak, disgusting feeling. I love my servant self, that scampers around and gets kicked by people and hides and whimpers. I LOVE this part of me. I am now talking to this part of me. Hi. I am here for you. Thank you for being part of me. Thank you for being yourself. Thank you for trying to protect me. I am in charge. And I LOVE you. I want to give you this flower. Is that ok? Would you take this flower gift from me? She grabs the flower with shaky hands and goes back to cowering in the corner. She seems to relax as she smells the flowers, and is changing into an open Uncrumpling, beautiful woman. Thank you she says. And thank you. I say. Would you help me be more whole? Of course she says, and she comes and gives Me a hug. She is now a motherly woman that seems dressed in cook’s clothes and seems very domestically in charge. I feel safe and comforted by her hug. Thank you. I will visit you soon. Bye. I feel interested and sleepy.



  13.  #13Maria on March 14, 2009 at 6:27 am

    l feel anrgy! lm sick and tired of being “understanding” of either man depression or his issues or whatever! lm sick of being a “good friend” and caring HIS bloody depresssion! if he is so depressed in his own world and not talking, hell with him! lm soooooooo tired of waiting and negotiating! lm not in a right place for depressed men, l have enough work with my own life!
    Men should be lined up to deal with my anger right now!



  14.  #14Rori Raye on March 14, 2009 at 10:05 am

    Daria – has it ever occurred to you – and – to all of you – that you’re “gifted”? I mean this in the fullest expression of that word – society’s and school’s definition, too.

    Often, gifted women are the most sensitive, and the most self-punishing. Most healers and gifted people feel “different” inside – and the push to belong and feel “normal” creates a lot of beating oneself up.

    And – I believe that almost ALL of us are gifted in some unique way that makes us feel different – it’s the intuitive aspect of the gift.

    Let’s look at how this creates all kinds of stuff for us, all kinds of expectations and fears and basic “hiding” of ourselves.

    Love, Rori



  15.  #15Daria on March 14, 2009 at 12:31 pm

    Rori that feels so soft and sweet.

    Yes, I think I am a genius. I am also really empathic.

    It feels weird sometimes because I think I am very competitive and I like winning or knowing that I am better at something than other people. I also feel ashamed of that. I ALSO very much believe in equality and that no one is better than anyone else. I don’t like being not as good as anyone else, I feel ashamed of that too.



  16.  #16Dorothea on March 14, 2009 at 2:16 pm

    Daria, I feel like you and I are so much alike in this area. I often feel ashamed and guilty of scores that are much higher than everyone else’s or ashamed of a score that isn’t perfect. Either way something inside of me is trying to make me feel bad no matter the outcome. We have people telling us all the time to feel good about our scores, when they are both perfect and less than perfect. I think Rori’s description of your behavior as a gifted women was pretty perceptive.

    This is something I struggle with all of the time. I could write essay after essay on the topic. But I feel comforted in seeing your reaction and attitude be surprisingly similar to mine.



  17.  #17Linmayu on March 14, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    I can definitely relate to the whole thing of being gifted, being more sensitive than most people, and beating myself up more than most people. I remember being the smartest kid in the class, and being so harassed and put down for it that I just wanted to be an idiot and be left alone. Except I couldn’t; no matter how much I pretended to be dumb, my pride wouldn’t let me stop getting perfect scores on tests or getting into the college I wanted to go to or winning academic awards without even thinking about it. I wonder how well I would have done if I had actually cared about academics rather than focusing on art and dance (things I love but have no natural talent for). I loved science when I was young, but felt so beaten down, and felt my intelligence was such a liability*, that I made the decision to stop caring about it. What would have happened if I hadn’t? I’m going to begin to find out very soon.

    I feel really, really arrogant and egotistical saying all this, but what can I do? It is all true. Am I supposed to just pretend I’m average like I’ve been doing all these years?

    *My 15-year-old cousin enlightened me on why high school boys don’t want to go out with smart girls. It is simply because girls who do less well in school are more likely to let you get them drunk and high and then have sex. Had I known this bit of information when I was in high school, I would have been completely satisfied with being dateless.



  18.  #18Daria on March 14, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    Linmayu I can relate to the feeling put down about getting good grades in class. I felt really bad about that in middle school, and sad in highschool because I was tracked in the honor classes while the regular classes had a lot of fun. I also felt I don’t have talent for art or dance but I developed my talent for dance to a point I feel proud of now. I also made a point in highschool to balance out my smartness with “bad” behavior, lots of cutting class and smoking and drinking. Not really getting talked into having sex though, pretty judgemental and careful not to “be used”, I did that cautiously and soberly at that time.

    Dorothea I’m feel glad you feel comforted yay!



  19.  #19Mary Ann on March 14, 2009 at 6:34 pm

    I realized this week that in highschool there were many boys who wanted to be my boyfriend, and I was constantly in the position of having to reject them and it made me feel very bad because i didn’t want to hurt their feelings. I realized that I have avoided getting to know the nice men because I didn’t want to hurt them. I have dated the “tougher” ones who I wouldn’t hurt who ended up hurting me.

    In reading the above, I have also realized this:

    I am also “gifted” I was classified as such when I was 12. I spent the better part of highschool making sure that I was still “cool” by drinking, partying, cutting class….majoring in art instead of something more academic. I didn’t realize why I needed to do that until now. I have wondered so many times how I ended up where I am, and now I know. Question is…what do I do now?



  20.  #20Tracy on March 16, 2009 at 2:31 am

    this is interesting…i feel the same way..i was always the bright one in my class..most of the guyz i dated felt intimidated so for most part i ended up not talking much about my achievements…i feel now that i should not apologize for my achievements..i feel i should be proud and strive to achieve even more…because the most important person is me.i should always try and make me happy.



  21.  #21Margaret on March 17, 2009 at 7:47 am

    Rori Thank you so much for your comment on healing. It was like an AHA! moment for me. I AM A HEALER. This has connected so many dots for me.

    I feel that’s why I have such a drive to “fix”, even ourselves that is wonderful it gives me a drive to keep on going. I have always healed people through making them laugh sharing something positive basically making them happy and that is why it broke me so much when I could not heal my family. But, I feel that to be a great healer I must first heal myself and stay on my foundation that is self-esteem, otherwise I hurt myself by giving too much. Then to self protect my sabatour and manipulive side comes out and hurts me and everyone else and works against my true strength – healing. I am learning to love my sensitivity. I am trying to use it for my benefit. Eg. I am in sales and because I am sensitive it helps me read people, I also feel it is a healthy outlet for the side of me that wants to scheme and manipulate. I am good at it so it makes money!! So now when I am not working I try to just feel and experience. My goal is as I learn to feel more (initially I didn’t feel anything except FEAR) I will also heal my manipulating and sabatour tendencies and will want to just be a healer. I feel good about my journey today I feel my truth can help others. I feel we are all growing on this site and that makes me feel good.

    My Aha moment feels like poison dripping from my heart and it being filled with gold that warms my whole body… and that feels great!

    Thanks again! Don’t stop healing!
    Margaret



  22.  #22Rori Raye on March 17, 2009 at 10:11 pm

    Margaret, Thank you for the lovely comment – and Amen – you are a healer, and you’ve put this beautifully. Love, Rori



  23.  #23Cassandra on March 24, 2009 at 9:41 am

    WOW! I am so far behind in reading these posts but this one really hit me like a ton of bricks! Thank you Rori!

    Tracy…I can TOTALLY relate to your post about feeling less than!! When I read your post I wanted so badly to be able to give a huge hug. There are times when I lean more toward the anxiety side of things but most of the time, like you I fall prey to the depression side of the scale and often allow myself to fall into the victim role and that does not feel good to me anymore. I am trying to change that baby step by baby step. I feel happy that you are here and on the same journey. I feel thankful to be here and get to learn from everyone’s journey and sharing. wow.

    Daria….Linmayu….Dorothea…I could also deeply relate to your knowing about your gifts yet downplaying them in your earlier years. I was never the lightest bulb in the box but I too am very intelligent and crazy creative and have always known that I feel things in a much deeper way than most people. I always – until recently..thanks to Rori and all of you BTW!!….felt that that was such a curse and a bad thing because I always felt so different….so much more emotional than most people but I now realize that yes…I am more emotional and feel things more deeply than most BUT I now KNOW it IS a gift and not a curse! If I could not feel things as deeply as I do/did then how could I move anyone else to feel anything when I am/ was singing?? If I didn’t ‘feel it’ then how could I touch anyone else with my music? Even in high school I felt like the oddball out and had few..if any friends in school. I was in a gifted arts program and so I was not in scholl like the other kids…i was only in classes for 3 hours a day and the rest of the day was spent either at ballet, voice or piano lessons unless I was touring and then I was not in school at all. The other kids always said that I thought I was better than them but in reality I was terrified of them making fun of me for being ‘different’. All of my friends were alot older than I was and were in the ballet company…they were not in school. I hated high school as a result of all of that. I never even had a boyfriend until I was 18. It felt horrible to be made fun of that way and even though that is long in the past, it still hurts to think about that time in my life. I am now thankful for my gifts and feelings even though my feelings are often overwhelming even for me but again…baby step by baby step. I still find today though that men are often threatened by those gifts but I am FINALLY learning that that is their problem and I am not to do anything to ‘appease’ them or make them feel ok about themselves when I am in my zone of dong whatever it is that I am doing that is a threat to them with regard to those very gifts. I am even finally coming to understand that even with ‘ my’ man….he simply cannot understand or ‘get it’ and at times feel that I really am outgrowing him. In some ways that feels good to me and it feels like tremendous growth for me and at other times it feels scary to me but like Rori said…if it feels scary then I am doing it right!!! I love my gifts…I love my music and singing and dancing and creativity and for the first time in my life…I feel deeply thankful for them.

    Love to all….
    Cassandra



  24.  #24Cassandra on March 24, 2009 at 9:42 am

    Daria….I forgot to ask you about your myspace page….I have yet to check it out. Can you post the link for me? Also I wanted to ask you about hypnosis……would you recommend it? Did it help you? I have been thinking of doing it but did not know anyone who has done it and would love to know your thoughts on it.
    With a huge flower hug…..
    Cassandra



  25.  #25Daria on March 24, 2009 at 10:05 am

    Hi Cassandra – just saw this, hope you get to read it. I would definitely recommend hypnosis. Talk with them in person or on the phone first and see what kind of feeling you get about them, if what they’re telling you sounds like it can help you, if it feels nurturing and safe. Mine did. She helped me a lot in the first session by working with me on a trauma from when I was young. I came out of there much better able to stand up for myself and I felt Good. So I would say try it. For me it was a lot like what we do with Rori when we talk to different parts of ourselves, except in hypnosis you are very relaxed.

    My myspace page… I still feel very insecure about my myspace persona being in the general and educated public but I am pretty sure that that is something I want to clear. I am judging myself harshly so it is possible that others will too. In this post I am going to put it up so if you click on my name at the top of the post it will take you to it.



  26.  #26Cassandra on March 24, 2009 at 12:40 pm

    Daria….thank you for the info about hypnosis…I really appreciate that. I value your input so thanks for sharing your experience with me. I am definitely going to look into it as I do think that it could help me. Also…I apologize if I made you feel uncomfortable asking about your myspace page…that was so not my intent. I thought that I had read somewhere in the posts – although I can’t remember where it was exactly – that you had shared that on the site but I must have remembered that incorrectly. Sorry about that. If you feel uncomforatble sharing that then by all means don’t. It is so not a big deal that people ‘know’ us that way. I am going to pist my facebook page because I feel good about doing that and because I feel that I have shared so much of my self here that it would be nice to get to put some faces with names but for those of us that are not ok with doing so…it changes nothing. I feel such love and gratitude toward you and all of the amazing ladies here and feel that I really want to share that part of me with you all but not everyone feels that way and that is ok. I will try to get mine posted as soon as I can. Thanks again for the info about hypnosis..I really am excited about checking it out.
    XOXO
    Cassandra



  27.  #27Daria on March 24, 2009 at 6:29 pm

    Cassandra don’t worry, it is my fear and I actually want to feel through it. I did post my myspace link… if you look at these two posts my name where it says “Daria says” will be clickable and take you to my myspace page…

    Love,
    Daria



  28.  #28Melissa on March 29, 2009 at 6:39 pm

    Rori,

    I’ve posted before about issues I’m having with my boyfriend. I’ve had an exceptionally rough weekend with him. A stupid argument over literally me not texting him back… really because of that. He was so overcome with anger that I was beside myself. I have never experience being with a man with such mood swings. It just so happened that his mother called me tonight. She thinks that he is bipolar just like she is. The problem is he doesn’t realize it or doesn’t acknowledge it. I am feeling scared because I really don’t know how to deal with this. I was thinking about the whole “my dream” and how he probably doesn’t fit in that dream and how to go on with my life. Now I kind of feel that maybe I’m going about things wrong. I probably didn’t react well (we completely ignored each other… he NEVER opens up… its like he can’t!). Its very hard for me to deal with. I do love him and when he’s not depressive, if this in fact what it is – I just don’t know how to deal. I appreciate this blog you posted. I’ll probably have to read it a few times to sink in. I have to ask myself if I can handle a relationship like this? I have two little girls that also have to feel his “Crankiness” (as they put it in these up and downs of his moods. I don’t know if I can but I want to. Can someone offer suggestions?



  29.  #29T.R. on April 24, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    I am dating a man who is often depressed. He is open and talks about his feelings more than any other man I have dated. I just don’t know how to respond to this. Do I sit and listen, then continue on with what I was already doing? He says that it helps him to talk and that he thinks this will help remove the “block” that is keeping us from moving forward. I am not sure how to keep the safe place he feels with me and continue to move us forward…



  30.  #30patti on September 26, 2010 at 9:47 am

    of all of your contacts, who is best qualified to answer questions on dating a widower, who is now pulling away. stating it’s the grief coming back & yet i see some mixed signals.



  31.  #31Jessee on December 8, 2011 at 11:34 am

    Thank you so much. This helped me so much. You’ve pinpointed his emotions and my emotions and this just kinda gave me the boost I needed to keep smiling and enjoy LIFE!