How To Undo What’s Already Been Done

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Mims made a comment, and I wanted to print her question and jump off of it:

“Hi Rori,
First I want to thank you for helping us women learn how to be successful in our relationships. Well Rori, I recently started dating this guy who is 6 years younger than I (he’s 24 and I’m 30). At first I was making every excuse in the book to push him away. I would tell him that living almost a hour away from each other, would eventually be a problem. I would also give him the excuse about the age factor. I even told him that I was thinking of re-enlisting in the military. The re-enlisting part made him very upset.

Now we both obviously like each other and when we hang out we have great times together. Now the pushing away part that I was doing has lessen. The problem is that for some reason, since the beginning of us dating, I tend to pay for dinner when we go out. He on occasions has also paid for dinner and movies.

The reason I even started this madness was because in past relationships, men would say that I could at least contribute in things and subconsciously it stayed in my head and here I am today. Now I know a woman should let a man pay for things but I don’t have a clue how to just stop and let him take on that role. I don’t want to eventually be taken advantage of that either because I’m no Rockefeller. It just feels so awkward……Please HELP!!!!

Lots of Love, Mims”

And here’s my answer:

This is a great question because it’s about UNDOING a pattern you’ve already established with a man – that of paying for things.

It can be anything we want to undo – any kind of Overfunctioning or leaning forward. It can be having sex too soon, or going with him to meet his family too soon, or becoming exclusive with him way too soon…so many things.

And here’s the short answer…Leanback and TALK.

Mims can start by simply getting up and going to the bathroom when dinner’s over so he’ll take care of the check. This isn’t a game – it’s removing yourself from your old pattern, breathing, and doing some tools in the bathroom around doing different behavior.

Changing things isn’t about HIM as much as it is about YOU.

Mims can not invite him anywhere, and stand behind him at the movies when he pays for tickets.

You can hang back when he goes to the Starbuck’s counter.

You can learn to stand still, Leanback, and feel how uncomfortable and vulnerable you feel when you’re not in charge of the money. You can FEEL how weird and strange and bad and good it feels to give up control and equality and let someone else take care of you for a moment.

You can stop him when he puts your hand on his penis if you want to backtrack on sex.

You can give him my “no boyfriend” speech from my Targeting Mr. Right program.

You can get your sense of humor back about everything – because almost nothing is final, and almost everything in a relationship can be used to go deeper and further – if you let it happen.

You can experience what it feels like to be a girl again.

Whatever that feels like to you from moment to moment.

And then, when it comes up, which it very well might, you TALK – for Mim – it might be “I was feeling uncomfortable and very masculine paying for things. It’s something I’ve been doing for so long with men, and it’s just always felt bad, and I wanted to start fresh and feel more like a girl. How would you like to handle money while we’re dating?”

For you, it might be (if you’re just not able to feel “blase” about having had sex with him and simply taking a “lover”) – “It felt so good to have full-out sex with you, and now I can feel my hormones kicking in and I don’t want to put pressure on this relationship, so I’d like to back off a bit and take more time to get to know you. What do you think?”

The point here is to not stew over things by yourself – but to get EVERYTHING out in the open and talked about – on your end in feeling messages.

The details we have to get to here is in the way you intitiate these conversations.

We women are trained to talk about the relationship to where it just pushes a man away.  We’re always talking about how we feel about things in a way that damages the relationship.

The thing to remember here is this: If you have an agenda, if you want something to change, if you have a complaint – we do not want to be ASKING him to make that change.

We simply want to learn to say, in Feeling Messages, what we want and don’t want, how we feel and don’t feel as a matter of SHARING.  As a matter of connecting. As a matter of being all about US, and not at all about him or his behavior.

It’s as though we’re sharing what we want and don’t want, feel and don’t feel for our LIVES, for OURSELVES, so that he can hear who we are and then decide – on his own – how he wants to FIT into our lives.  How he wants to fit INTO our heart.

This is not about working to get what we want.  It’s about expressing ourselves.

And as we learn to do it with no agenda other than to express ourselves – everything gets better.

This kind of openness and honesty – accompanied by the control over YOURSELF, the flat out “diva-ness” of it you’ll feel when you do it – will be absolutely intriguing and mesmerizing to a man.

See if the thought that you CAN undo, you CAN backtrack, YOU can go in a new direction – ANYTIME YOU WANT makes you feel more peaceful.

Let me know,

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Ann on March 11, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    Ladies you might see this post more than once. For some reason my computer is being crazy. So I’m trying
    to get a short note on the post so I can get comments on my cell. AG any tips on how to post from
    my cell? Going to try to read the post tonight and I hope comment more but not sure what my computer
    will let me do.

  2.  #2alias girl on March 11, 2009 at 3:59 pm

    i really feel uplifted and renewed with this idea of being able to undo old patterns. it is completely possible. if i can rewire myself and form new behaviors and outlooks then i can transfrom my life. if i am showing up as someone different than the people around me have no choice but to alter their responses to me.

    i love the way rori uses language. the idea of being sexual with someone and then pulling back. that is sooooo useful to me with a particular ex of mine.

    i feel really excited about getting better and better at being my authentic self and putting things on the table and letting other people making their own choices about how they do or don’t want to be a part of my life. life feels more fun and open and exciting with all these rori tools. 🙂

    ann i feel bad you are having computer issues. for me, i can get internet access on my cellphone so it’s similar to being online on a regular computer only everything is really tiny. slower typing. i can’t really backspace or correct errors. and sometimes it will do weird things like post before i’m ready.

    you would need internet access on your cell. do you have that?

  3.  #3Linmayu on March 11, 2009 at 4:19 pm

    I feel very interested in this post. I have cancelled countless dates because I felt afraid that meeting these men would put me on a conveyor belt leading directly to having sex and then getting my heart broken. Sometimes I feel that just by replying to someone’s message, I’m on that conveyor belt. Fast track to a fuck-buddy relationship, with no turning back, no undoing, no hope of ever being loved and cherished.

    Obviously you can’t “unscrew” someone once you’ve done it, but it feels good to know I can at least stop and backtrack if I feel I’ve gone too far.

  4.  #4alias girl on March 11, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    i felt so good to have full-out sex with you but i can feel my hormones starting to bring on stronger feelings and i don’t want to put any pressure on this relationship. so i’d like to back off a little and just get to know you more. what do you think?

    i’m practicing. 🙂 i want to memorize something like this.

    this feels very empowering.

  5.  #5Daria on March 11, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    oooh I love this Rori.

  6.  #6Daria on March 11, 2009 at 5:23 pm

    Oh Alias girl I love how you added I can feel my hormones starting to bring on stronger feelings! I didn’t really understand when Rori said at first about them “kicking in.” It’s that I want to be with this man because I had sex with him feeling. AHA. AHA AHA AHA.

    Thank you.

    Definitely memorizable. In fact already memorized.

    Feeling hungry and excited…

  7.  #7Ann on March 11, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    Ag I tried to respond from my phone but don’t see it here. I have internet access on my cell, that’s how I’ve been reading the post I’ve subscribed to. I hope to figure out how to post from my cell when I need to.

  8.  #8alias girl on March 11, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    it’s the same set-up from my phone ann. go to the blog. click on comments. fill in your info like you usually do and then click submit.

    if you changed your name or email your comment may be awaiting approval.


  9.  #9ann on March 11, 2009 at 7:17 pm

    ag i am trying again. my yahoo mail won’t let me click on the link so have to search for the blog.

  10.  #10Ann on March 12, 2009 at 9:05 pm

    If the computer will coorperate. This post intriques(sp) I like the thought of learning to undo things I’ve learned. Not redoing but undoing. I love growing with the ladies of this blog.

  11.  #11Priscilla on March 13, 2009 at 8:55 am

    Rori talks about “undoing a pattern you’ve already established with a man.” I can’t keep doing the same things and expect to get different results. I get it. Rori says the short answer is to lean back and talk. I seemed to be more of a talker when I was doing things the wrong, lean forward, overbearing way. Now, I have a harder time finding the words to say. I use feeling messages a lot of the time. Is that enough? Is that what Rori is refering to when she says “lean back and talk?” I think so. I haven’t tried the power speeches yet. It’s all just do darn uncomfortable! I’m out of my comfort zone! I remind myself this process is NOT for him, it’s for ME! I am trying to embrace everything that comes up and love myself.

  12.  #12Tracy on March 13, 2009 at 10:05 am

    i’ve realy been working on undoing things i have been doing before…i feel inspired to keep going and improving myself.i feel motivated and encouraged by rori’s posts and i feel myself way of life..i feel much happier..
    Yes i stil have the irky feelings the blue days..but i feel more settled as i learn slowly to love and accept myself..
    i feel that i’m getting to know me better and it feels great…
    i feel that i am learning to let go of the outcome…just learning to live in the moment…it feels inspiring..
    i feel more at peace..i feel more connected to the people around me…i feel happy that i am slowly learning to speak the truth…and i am attracting more people towards me that way…
    i feel the desire to love me more…to enjoy every moment and every single part of my being…
    it feels so relaxing going through life this way…
    stil i learn a new thing every day…i opn up to new experiences…i love the posts done on this blog and i am learning so much…if feels so great to connect with all the ladies here…i feel blessed..


  13.  #13Pooja on June 8, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    How do you backtrack and let him know that even though you acted a bit pushy/clingy/moving-too-fast, that you aren’t really that way?? Not sure how to undo that… any advice would be GREATLY appreciated!!

  14.  #14Pooja on June 8, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    Okay, after reading the article, I tried this on my own to rectify my embarrassing behaviour with him in the past. This is simply bc i want to share that I was not proud of my behaviour.. not because I am looking for some kind of response from him. I just wanted to tell him how im feeling about what went down. This is what I said:

    “hey.. i’m feeling a little uncomfortable about my recent behaviour bc i realised that i was being really pushy and overbearing about u meeting me, etc. of course, i wud be happy to meet u, but if ur not able to, that’s ok… i’m anyways going to be having fun with my family and one of my friends said she wants to meet up when im there, so i’m looking fwd to that. i feel bad for pressurizing u in the past and i apologise. talk to u soon.. tc”

    How’s that? I tried to harness the true essence of what Rori was saying and then I just formed my words around that. Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks!

  15.  #15Uschi on September 6, 2009 at 7:04 am

    so how do I undo what I did in our recent fights when he told me he wanted out – how do I back-step my crying outbursts and me telling him how much I love him and so many more things that came up – how do I take it back

  16.  #16Rori Raye on September 6, 2009 at 6:55 pm

    Uschi, you can’t take it back…you just don’t do it again. You don’t look backward, you just keep using Tools and learning how to do things differently. Love, Rori

  17.  #17maxine on June 17, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    3 days away from me and he still shows no affection..i said it feels like u havent missed me and he snapped ‘im tired’ and turned over in bed.what did i do? i got needy and angry and pushed my love at him just like my old self..i told him well i missed u…nothing…no reply so then im really pissed and say ‘ id just really hoped u missed me and wanted a cuddle’ ‘just tired’
    was the im lying in bed next to him sleeping getting rori love instead and in his sleep hes trying to cuddle up to me and im being a diva and moving away in the bed and shrugging him off but ive noticed a pttern…this keeps on happ the day face to face its like he talks abou

  18.  #18maxine on June 17, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    ok my fone is playing games with me!! what i was trying to say was…he seems to only be showing me affection in his sleep!! in day time he is leaning forward now and is a little less triggering to me and him and hes even said he wants to take me for weekend away but still.. nothing touching no playing..only with words..he used to even touch me as we passed each other in the kitchen..up until a few months ago..but whats this sleep affection all about? half the time i know hes awake so ive said to him ‘ aww that cuddle u gave me in bed last nite..’ his reply..’ did i..oh’
    ??? someone please help me out with all this mixed up messages stuff..i mean ive been with him 17 years! either ive lost my instincts or hes just playing me..

  19.  #19Angie on June 24, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    I posted this on another blogpost and I realize it should have been here. Basically I set the boundaries of No strings attached because I was full of fear. I am still full of fear and I want to undo the no strings and ask him on a date. We have not had sex yet. How can this course be rerouted?