How to Use and Be Successful on OkCupid!

Untitled design (14)

dating tipsI found someone wonderful to help me with your profiles and pictures for online dating – I think it’s the single most serious, and yet easy-to-fix problem most women have in getting good responses from men online…if you want me to look at your pix and profiles on (or anywhere else), let me know – email my assistant, then I’ll look at what you have up, see if I think I can help, and work with my new “profile” assistant to get you set up better. I’ll have her email back and forth with you and quote a price (she’s EXTREMELY reasonable). I’ll stay in touch with the process and make sure I like it before it gets to you…so you don’t have to worry about me now okaying it…(she’s great at getting the Feeling language in there in a lovely way…)

You’ll know she’s amazing when you read this – I asked her for detailed instructions on how to use

Let’s start in the beginning. You want to try online dating, but how to get started?

There are tons of different sites out there, but how can you choose which one to try? OkCupid is the best online dating site to try first because: It’s free and it works. What more could you ask for?

Now that you know you have nothing to lose and everything to gain, let’s get into how to make the most of your OkCupid experience.

1) When you first head to, you will have to answer 3 questions about your gender, orientation, and relationship status. Answer these honestly. Then click “next.” Fill in your birthday, location, and e-mail address. Again, be honest with these (don’t lie about your age). Click “next”.

2) Come up with a username. You can’t change this, so make it good. Know that it won’t hurt your chances of finding someone if your username isn’t perfect, but it can be a great conversation starter if you pick something intriguing or that gives a clue about something you like. Also, create a password that you’ll remember, and fill out that silly little “prove that your human” box. Click “next.”
TIP: If you can’t think of one easily, use a flower name, or a feminine color. Even the name of a favorite author or painter can be perfect.

3) Congratulations! Your profile has been created! Well, it’s blank, but you are at least online. You should now be on a screen that says “Welcome home” in pink. I want to now talk about the four things you need to do to start getting contacted!

a) Put up photos. Go ahead and click the top icon. Hopefully you’ve got a couple good ones stored on your computer or online. If not, get a friend to snap a couple of you and pick the best few. Put up 3-6 quality photos.

TIP: I recently heard from a man that this is what he’s looking for when he sees your photos: Boobs, long hair, and leg length. So, make sure he can see each of those (no nudity, of course!) in at least one picture. And pick ones where you are smiling as naturally as possible.

b) Fill out your profile (just click the second icon to fill it out). Go through and write as much as you’d like in each of the categories (just click the green box with the pencil to edit). Make sure you write enough to show that you have put effort into it, but don’t write so much that it will be too much to read (and show that you spend all day on there).

Also, to the right, there is a rectangular box that shows “my details.” Click the edit button at the top to edit that info. This section is important because guys may just glance at this first to get an overview of who you are.

*c) and d) here are things you should do quite often. You might update your profile and pictures every week or so, but you’ll want to do these next two tips at least every couple of days:

c) Answer match questions. At any time, you can go to the top of your page, “hover” over “matches” and click on “improve matches.” This will take you to a question, which you should go ahead and answer.

You will also be asked what your ideal partner would answer and how important the issue is to you. If you feel comfortable, click “answer publicly,” so that potential matches can see what you answered. If you want to keep your answer private, that’s fine too. Once you click “submit” at the bottom of the page, you will be taken to a new question.

There are endless numbers of questions, so know that you can stop doing this at any time. You can re answer a question, but you must wait a certain number of hours.

d) Do “quickmatch.” Go back up to the top of your page, “hover” over “matches” and click “quickmatch.”

During this, you will be shown pictures of a man with his profile below.

You’ll be asked to quickly rate him (1=low, 5=high). If you and a man both rate each other 4 or 5 stars, you will both be notified by e-mail.

I really like this because it lets a man know you are interested (why else would you have rated him highly?) without having to go out of your way to message him or “wink” at him.

Other tips and notes:

Searching: If you’d like to just search for matches, head up to “matches” at the top of the page and click on “match search.” You can put in as many preferences as you want (note that if you want to add a preference that isn’t there, click on “advanced.” You will be able to add preferences such as height, drinking etc.)

Rating: If you go to a guy’s profile, you can rate him on his page (you don’t have to rate only in quickmatch).

Winking: If you see a guy you really like and he hasn’t contacted you, you have the option to “wink” at him. Just go to the upper right corner of his profile and hit “wink.” I don’t really recommend doing this too much (a guy should come to YOU!) But there is always a chance that a certain guy might hardly ever go online—seeing your wink in an email might inspire him to go online and write to you.

Hiding: So, a guy contacts you, but you are sure you have NO interest whatsoever. Go to their profile and click on “hide” in the upper right hand corner. They won’t come up in any of your searches. Also, I recommend doing this when you search for matches. You don’t need to see “that one guy” every time you search for matches in your area, so go ahead and hide him. You can do this from the match results page after you search (and DO NOT have to go to their page to do this).

Quiver: Sometimes, OKCupid will pick some special matches for you. You can see these matches by clicking on “quiver” in your “matches” menu at the top of your screen. You can either say “not interested” or YES (but if you say yes, you MUST write to them). There is no need to do this (I don’t bother), but it is another tool.

IMing: If you are online at the same time as someone else, you can IM (instant message) with him. At the bottom right part of your screen you will see two little icons. Click the wheel with spokes to edit your chat preferences. Click the bubble to start a chat with someone. If someone wants to start a chat with you, their message will just pop up—just go ahead and write back (or click the icon at the top of the message box that is a circle with a line through it to block them).

Favorites: Another way to let a guy know you’re interested without bring too forward is to add them to your favorites. You will find this icon on each person’s profile.

Visitors: Note that any time you visit someone’s page, they can see that you have visited. You can also see who has visited your page by going to the “Connections” tab at the top of your screen and clicking on “visitors.”

It is also possible to “browse anonymously,” which means that a man won’t see you have visited his page (and you won’t be able to see who has visited yours). I wouldn’t recommend browsing anonymously (because looking at a man’s page can make him notice yours), so just leave this setting as it is when you sign up. If you do decide to you do want to browse anonymously, go to “visitors” and click on “change your Visitors settings,” and then follow the prompts.

Messaging: Okay, so you have a fantastic profile and some guy sends you a message (click “messages” at the top of your page to check).

You have 2 options: reply, or don’t reply. This I will leave up to you. I will say definitely respond to a message from any guy you might be interested in. Also, you can always write a message to a guy you are really interested in. I wouldn’t say that it would hurt your chances to do this, but it shifts your energy and makes you the seeker/active party, which you don’t want to be. And it can also get discouraging to not get a reply from someone that seems great.

Once a guy contacts you: Once you’re in contact, you will probably write a few messages back and forth. Then, he should ask you for your number and for a date. I personally like to meet as soon as possible, but do whatever makes you comfortable.

Meeting a man: As long as you a) know he’s real, b) know he’s sane, go meet him! He should call you to set up a date. Meet at a central location (or somewhere closer to you).

Best of luck!

Let me know if you need help from Gemma and I with your online profile – and here’s to Circular Dating!

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Daria on August 19, 2010 at 1:31 am

    hello new post – i am feeling very disappointed and unworthy right now

    i dont feel good unless im in a man ‘s arms

    i feel very deflated about that

    i feel shaky in my back

    i feel tight and tingly in my jaw

    i love my feelings

    this is interesting

    ugh i feel nauseaus and headache

  2.  #2Daria on August 19, 2010 at 1:33 am

    i dont feel sexy

    i dont feel worhty of good treatment cuz im a “bad” girl

    i feel sick

    even 3 year olds want to beat me up


    i am naturally unattractive

    i dont want to believe that about myself

    dear NV please eat a healthy sandwich and a green smoothie and

    thank you for helping

    you can now continue by saying good things about me and my attractiveness

  3.  #3Daria on August 19, 2010 at 1:36 am

    im trying to fulfill my wants and needs,

    but what if this gets me leanign forward to men,

    i am calling to see if they have something to smoke


    what if i want sex

    i feel confused

    my wants and needs or is it leaning forwaerd

    i beat myself up for doing it

    but i also want to fulfill my wants and needs

    this is big confusion for me I would LiKE this heALED

    for real

    thank you

  4.  #4Daria on August 19, 2010 at 1:49 am

    If I am unattractive them I am unworthy

    That’s why I feel so bad in the morning without “admirers”

    If no one loves me I am unworthy I don’t destve love I don’t deserve it is impossible for me to feel good if I unattrActive

    It is the single most I
    Portantthing in my life

    I must remain attractive or there is so
    Erving wrong with me ., I am less than,, I am shameful don’t let th see me being unattractive, humiliated

    Iove my humiliation

    I getting closer to being strong big and piwerf enough to feel that feeling instead of numbing it out and covering it up

    W anxiety anger disconnect this funny raise eyebrow feeli

    I am so unworthy

    I am so unattractive

    Clumsy ungraceful and

    I gotta be attractive to be ok. Accepted. Not judged. Worthy important dignified.

    Ew gross to not bei
    G attractive.. U are netter than that.

    Judgement. Disgust contempt looking down on

    I love myself

  5.  #5Daria on August 19, 2010 at 2:03 am

    I feel icky kinda holding back when I want to jump in his lap and kiss him. I feel like my vibe feels weird. I wanted to express that I felt pulled toward him but felt unsure of if I wanted to have sec.,, I didn’t. I feel unattractive operating on medium. My room has clothes piles and dust my clothes ate wrinkly my eyebrows not done my lil nano hair wild. I feel self conscious not good enuf. I want to call my old lover he always wanted to eat me and complimented me. Out of the bedroom tho.,, sociopath control city oh boy

    Iuss him amd the good stuff. I want to

    Feeli heart open up and my sex to feel great . I feel desperate and grasping for sec

  6.  #6Jennifer on August 19, 2010 at 4:59 am

    I love your riffing.
    I annoy me today
    okcupid doesn’t seem to have very many guys I connect with either. BOOOO
    I don’t have high probability matches. Lots of guys are creepy looking.
    Some look interesting…but then immediatly I don’t feel good enough to contact them
    One guy I was feeling interested in had at the end of his profile “contact me if you are slim and have a good heart and good intentions.”
    Well, crap.
    One guy emailed me but only said…..I’m at the dog park from this time to this time..come on down if you like.
    I dont’ want to just show up at the dog park. WTF is that?
    I want to be asked out on a date.
    I want to be picked up and taken someplace cool.
    There is a place down town that does tapas on friday nights.

  7.  #7Jennifer on August 19, 2010 at 5:30 am

    Oh look
    here’s one I have a high probablity with…and look he makes his own clothes…cause he dressess like a renissance fair EVERY DAY!!!!
    Does sarcasm translate to the written word? Is there a sarcastic smilie?
    This is my new sarcastic smilie

  8.  #8Sherry on August 19, 2010 at 7:10 am

    Jennifer you crack me up!!! Online dating is HARD! I put my profile up in March for the first time. I had no clue what I was getting in to lol. It took me a couple of months but I have learned a lot about the inner workings of dating sites and the people on them. I would love to see your profile if you felt comfortable sharing!

  9.  #9Daria on August 19, 2010 at 10:50 am

    I HAVE A BLACK E?ye?!!!

  10.  #10tinque on August 19, 2010 at 10:53 am

    you poor thing 🙁
    arnica montana orally and topically will help Daria.

  11.  #11Daria on August 19, 2010 at 10:57 am

    thanks tinque –

    I dont have arnica… what is arnica’s regular name again?

    i have a realy good st. johns wort salve and some comfrey-lavender oil…

    what do you think about the oil? should i add it on or stick with the st. johns wort salve for now?

  12.  #12tinque on August 19, 2010 at 11:01 am

    Daria – I only know arnica by that name. It’s not at all expensive. I wish you were close by, so I could give you some.
    I would stick with the st. john’s wort. It’s really good stuff.
    and ice. it’s still fresh enough to be icing it.

  13.  #13Daria on August 19, 2010 at 11:09 am

    what i did for myself yesterday

    — got my oil changed!

    — got my 25 dollars in an hour

    — got pot — for free with guy friend

    == and sorta half half with flirty neighbor


  14.  #14Daria on August 19, 2010 at 11:13 am

    i tried to meet my desire/neet for getting my nani ate

    by hanging around my neighbor

    but it didn’t work

    and i eventually left


    that felt weird

    mixed feelings

    but interesting

    to FEEL that feeling of desiring to be in a man’s lap

    its like a PULL to him

    and it pulls my energy AND my thoughts — like i forget what else i was thinking

    reminds me so much of guywhohadababy — and ow i felt!

    but it feels GOOD!!!

    and warm!!!

    esp in my lower chakras!!


    yeah it feels warming, but i also feel restless, cuz i feel like jumping into him


    so its both good and bad – not that it matters

    but now i see its a feeling!

    and not just specific to guywhohadababy

    its probably a pheromonal hormonal feeling

    im getting more comfortable with feeling it!

  15.  #15Daria on August 19, 2010 at 11:36 am

    reprinting an old rori post becauase it answered my q of what to do when i was hanging with neighbor:

    Just the word “Bitch” is so provocative. It brings up so many feelings – which means that talking about it will help you so much – it moves us forward and upward so much more quickly when we work with powerful, emotional images and issues.

    So, now that we’ve talked a bit about Masculine and Feminine Energies, let’s talk about what “Bitch” language looks and sounds like:

    1. A combination of Masculine and Feminine energies that’s intriguing, disturbing and destructive (still, much more attractive to a man than “bland”).
    2. It’s sort of “hands-on-hips, leaning forward, pointing finger, making him wrong.”
    3. It says “YOU did this, and YOU did that, and YOU are like this, and YOU are causing this…
    4. It walks away when things aren’t going the way it wants. Literally walks away. (Very intriguing to a man.)

    As a contrast, here’s what pure Feminine Energy language looks and sounds like:

    1. Only Feminine Energy, that’s completely attractive, magnetic , and passive
    2. It’s leaned-back, warm, inviting, grounded, centered, no-nonsense, feeling, easy, taking responsibility for itself, just Being
    3. It says “I feel, I’m feeling, I felt, It feels…and NEVER mentions HIM
    4. It stands still when things aren’t going the way it wants, and if it starts feeling bad, it walks away. (Yep – walking away is FEMININE. “Hanging-in” when it feels bad is MASCULINE.)

    The first step for ANY shifts in your results is to know what things look and feel like, and to become aware of what you’re feeling and the words you’re using. Everything after that is just step-by-step, and that’s what we’ll do through these next posts.

  16.  #16Robin on August 19, 2010 at 11:57 am

    Need help on how to handle this situation. About two weeks ago, I met a guy through a friend that is head of HR for a consulting company. We initially started talking about possible job opportunities and he gave me his card to contact him at a later time. Then we just started chatting…we totally hit it off. He definitely appeared interested and some of his friends told me he was asking about me later in the night. At one point we were talking about the Cubs and how bad they are now. I mentioned that I had tickets for a Sept game and didn’t know what to do with them at this point…I definitely would have trouble selling the tickets. He said…”I’ll go to the game with you”. I said “seriously?” He said “yeah, why not”. So…since then, I’ve contacted him to talk about the company and opportunities. We are meeting next week over coffee. So basically now for me this meeting is two-fold. I am obviously interested in the company, but also with him. So this will be my first time practicing the leaning back and feeling questions. But, my question is…do I bring up the Cubs game? Do I ask if he was serious about going? Not sure what to do here. I obvoiusly didn’t ask him to go…he suggested going with me. I have screwed up so many dates or meets unknowingly…I don’t want to mess this up. Thanks.

  17.  #17Daria on August 19, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    yo check this out tho!

    just a few MONTHS ago I was complaining about how lonely i am, how i never go out the house, for like 2 years, my back and shoulders were aching from always being at the computer, i was panicked about my DUI, bills, and UTI… my acupuncturist was telling me I’m depressed

    I felt awful

    and in one “head change” space

    I started reaching out to people — my experiment of leaning forward which was not really leaning forward… romantically — necessarily

    anyway now

    I have been kickin it every day… seems like 2 weeks but its been 2 or 3 MONTHS

    the whole summer

    with people

    metting people

    at the park

    at my girls house


    i am NOT feeling lonely

    tho i did a couple days ago

    but still

    i have lots of people i can call == again

    I AM NOT

    even worried that im getting my license suspended next week

    or that

    i havent paid my bills in 2 months

    or that

    i still have that pee sinking symptoms

    i am getting waht i want!

    like manifesting it

    its been happening kinda regularly


    i want something and it comes

    strring my magic



    i am juiced

    so now

    who cares that my license will be suspended

    im having a fun life!!!

    OHHH I KNWO how I goT here111

    i followed Alanna Pratt’s advice

    in her e-letter

    to put blinders on my eyes about the parts of my life i dont like

    and just look at the happiness

    so i said FU*K u BILLS!!!

    and i will have fun and KICK IT IN THE SUN!!!

    and it felt scary as hell to say that to BILLS!! I MEAN TO BI?LLS!!! ?WHo DoES? that111 thats soooooo IRRESPONSIblE!!!

    BUT GUESS What

    I FEEL SO MUcH happier11

    I AM Not11 depressed111


    i have been having FUN







    im sunshine and milk bubblegum

    i think

    im designed trained
    to be

    milk bubblegum


    colors and flavors huh

    but you kno wat

    i dont care

    what i was trained to do

    label myself by skin and flavor

    i am not white chocolate latte cinammon spice

    i am air and river water

    i am rainforest

    i am sand dune

    I AM A EFFIN SANDy color

    mo fooo

  18.  #18Apple Jacks on August 19, 2010 at 12:15 pm


    I feel sorry to hear about your eye. And by a three year old throwing the phone at you? This takes me back to my teaching days. I would be so afraid that these little boogers and their throwing things would hurt someone really bad. Yikes. Traumatic memories of the classroom. Funny how I never felt safe teaching for this very reason.

  19.  #19Daria on August 19, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    we;re only kind to people when we see them as innocent and helpless!!


    helpless = innocent = so cute and attractive!

    that means, aslo, that we see even the strongest people as innocent and helpless.. if we’re moved to kindness toward them


    we’re all innocent nad hlepless at times

    i love kindness


    “What’s the kindest thing you could say to yourself about this?”

  20.  #20Daria on August 19, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    I think im stupid and unworhty and not good enought and DEFINITELY not powerful enough

    this is why I feel dismissive of me when I SPEAK KINDLY TO MYSELF

    OH My EFFIN WOW!!!

    itsnot enough! im nto enough , its not enough coming from ME cuz IM not enough



    so cool

    i feel wowed

  21.  #21Lucy on August 19, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    I am triggered reading this:

    “TIP: I recently heard from a man that this is what he’s looking for when he sees your photos: Boobs, long hair, and leg length. So, make sure he can see each of those”

  22.  #22Jacqueline on August 19, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    Robin, I think it’ll come up organically when you see him. If you don’t bring it up he should if he’s going to step forward – check out some posts and see how to practice leaning back!

    Good luck!

  23.  #23Daria on August 19, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    love this myspace status:

    You say you got baggage ? Well , im packed too . && i got a sex pistol . Pointed right at you , BANG !
    Mood: PAID > $

  24.  #24Daria on August 19, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Robin – I would not bring it up, unless it came up in conversation. I would NOT ask him out … or anything that seemed like asking him out…

    I would let him initiate… him asking to go with me IS initiating… so i’d feel super happy

    and when i spend time with him I would MELT physically in my femininty and practice tools like enjoying receiving his attention

  25.  #25Daria on August 19, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    When I remember my black eye I feel bad –

    mostly I am fearing afraid and on edge.. ! alert…
    about my dad

    he will put me down for this

    he will judge me

    he wont believe me

    hell make a big deal and yell and scare me

    he will disapprove of me

    I feel afraid of being judged by my dad

    he is not around

    he probably wont see it

    but its affecting my mood and my day

    dark and gloomy

    i love my feeelings

    hey cloud of someone else’s energy

    is it lifting?

    i feel rageful

    i love you dark coffee rage

  26.  #26Jacqueline on August 19, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    @ Robin….there’s pages of stuff on leaning back, check out all the back blogs you can before you meet the guy….leaning back is even taking a step back from them while becomming soft and feminine and letting them step toward you. So, no, let him bring it up again. In a recent post Rori said men choose quickly and step up. Especially if you’re going to be involved in a business relationship, that will be where you are in “boy” energy – more blog terminology there….so when the tables turn and you get to be “feminine” just let him lead.

    Hope that helps! It’s a crazy day here on the forum, usually more people will be around to advise you, but in the meantime, I found great help in reading the back articles!!!


  27.  #27Daria on August 19, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    /i am triggered and feeling shaky and gulp in teh process of giving myself validation on my “attractiveness” and cleanliness/innocence/purity/wholesomeness — i guess goodness


    deservingness of love.

    i had just touched myself and talked to myself in triggering words, ho slut, oh you like that huh – is it a reflection of the last man i was with, porn, or

    i dono either way even if its me

    it does help to let go because it feels like the other person is in power, maybe it wounds the heart open?

    or shuts it down ?

    or makes me feel vulnerable?

    ok it felt good but after i felt bad and unworthy and kinda “unwanted , unclean , ICKy”


    like i did after my alst sex experience with dude

    i feel excited that purposely taking the time to tell myself you are worthy

    you are so worthy

    of course you are worthy

    you are always worthy

    i think you are so worthy

    i want you so much


    is making me feel better

    i feel interested in sex, emotions, and feeling really good!

  28.  #28Daria on August 19, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    Robin – to me, confirming is like inviting. it’s up to him to confirm.

    if he doesn’t do it in a time that feels comfortable to me, i will make other plans

    then when / if he does come thru, i check my feelings from there

  29.  #29Jacqueline on August 19, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    @ Robin….read through old blog entries for leaning back….they are a great resource! Good luck!

  30.  #30Jacqueline on August 19, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    Hi, Robin – I’ve been trying to write and getting knocked off….it’s not usually this crazy. Check some old posts for leaning back, I think that’s what Daria’s talking about – all the older posts have great tools in them, btw!!

  31.  #31Lucy on August 19, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    Daria, are you on okcupid? I find it overwhelming compared to other sites.

  32.  #32Lucy on August 19, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    I feel sad and tired of dating and dating sites.

    I don’t know what I want to do about that.

  33.  #33Lucy on August 19, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    Do I want a dating sabbatical? I don’t know.

    I don’t feel like meeting new men.

    I’ve met so many new men in this past year. I feel tired of first dates.

    I would like a man to fall from the sky — the right man for me.

    I feel tired of “practicing.”

  34.  #34Lucy on August 19, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    I want an answer. Now.

  35.  #35Lucy on August 19, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    I Don’t Want to not have an answer.

  36.  #36Lucy on August 19, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    A guy on pof just messaged me, and he has this line in his profile:

    “My top priorities are raising my 2 teenage daughters and finding that 1 very special Lady. She is out there swimming endlessly searching for Mr. Right.”

    That’s me — swimming endlessly endlessly endlessly endlessly . . . .

  37.  #37janjune on August 19, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    im feeling like working out again.

    does anybody on here have a

    if you do, would you please tell me whether you think they are worth the money or not?

    i couldn’t buy one now anyway…

    for now, i’ll just have to bring the free weights upstairs

    but the total gym looks like something i would actually do

    does anybody have one?

  38.  #38janjune on August 19, 2010 at 4:57 pm


    in feng shui

    if you have a container by your doorway, like i have a repro of an ancient clay water jug, and i have sweet potato vine in it,but alot of the opening to the pot shows because the vine hangs down.

    i had it faced toward the street
    when i see it from the roadway
    i feel gaping ad dark, like an endless hole spiraling.
    i don’t like it.

    im not into feng shui
    ive never noticed anything like this before

    but it buggs me everytime i see it

    i know i could just put more vines in it but oit is making me wonder about feng shui.

    does anybody know?

    does it have something to do with money or affection or something? i haven’t been able to find it on line….

  39.  #39janjune on August 19, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    i need to work on an online profile but i dont want to online date so im stalling…

  40.  #40janjune on August 19, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    thank you for this post rori!

    i feel very interested in my own life right now!
    but not in online dating…:(

    i *think* using boy energy, ill just go visit the sight…. cruise it… 🙂 see what’s going on

  41.  #41janjune on August 19, 2010 at 6:07 pm

    i hope i didn’t freak anyone out with that feng shui question…

    i feel embarrassed for revealing that it feels dark and gaping and that that bugs me and that i have already turned it around!! and that isn’t right either!!!… 🙂

    but it does….

  42.  #42janjune on August 19, 2010 at 6:38 pm

    i feel enjoyment being on this thread even though not wanting to online date.

    just cruised the okcupid website, got signed in and took a look around.

    i feel exhausted and overwhelmed thinking about meeting many men i am not into.

    i feel more open to just simply putting up a few photos, preparing a simple profile and answering the pop-up quesitons.

    that is genius… to ask you questions that you would might be asked on a date…. about current events…etc.
    i like that!!

    that really helps…
    but i still dont want to spend time with men i don’t like…

    but… i like lots of different men except the bullies and abusers, so it will probably turn out alright…

  43.  #43janjune on August 19, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    i feel all alone on siren island tonight.

    well, that’s alright, i’ll just get out my air raft and float around in the water dangling my hand over the edge….

  44.  #44janjune on August 19, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    how do we get signed up for the teleclass?

    where do we get the password?

    studying the *second* most popular blog post now, how men are free therapy and how they will lead you to more love and mr. right…

    i feel ready for this…

    this attempt….

    not that i wont chicken out…..

    or feel eeeew-ey

    but it’s *okay*.

    i feel ready to try circular dating as free therapy using online dating as a tool. but it will take me awhile to get revved up and actually throw it out there… my photo and profile i mean

    maybe the anger had to be processed before i could get here, to this place, on my bridge…

  45.  #45janjune on August 19, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    okay— guess im going to be on here all evening by myself :)…
    *palmtrees swaying, waves lapping the shore, goddess sipps her cool drink out of a coconut shell*

    i’ve been checking it out and now remember why i got so grossed out feeling trying to online date before…

    so many of them have this loooooong laundry list of things they want in a woman…
    i think, okay,… that’s fair,
    you can want what you want,
    but i just feel totally and completely icked out

    when i think about putting myself “out there” at the disposal of men who feel that having a woman is a checklist of their “i wants” to be ticked off and fulfilled…

    i just feel like….
    HEY! F8cker, if you’re that wonderful why have you been online dating for four years?
    unless the answer is for sex
    and then …. nope…

    plus i noticed on the few online dates i actually went on that they were, without trying to hide it in the least, summing me up, physically i mean, looking me up and down and then you could see when they decided it was okay…
    i think that’s effing RUDE…!
    i didn’t do that to them!
    what were you going to do if you didn’t like what you saw?
    turn around and walk out…
    i’ve heard of that happening…
    my friend said the guy said,
    “sorry, you’re not what i’m looking for, i don’t want to waste either of our time. bye.”

    oh geez, so what if you take your time to go meet someone and all and they do that?

    … 🙂 i guess you could just sit down and have a cup of coffee in peace… 🙂
    thanking whoever you thank that you didn’t have to spend ANY minutes of your life with such a bore…

    oh well, either im going to do it or not….

    gotta go back and read the post about free therapy until i get it, that it’s JUST free therapy and nothinng more and that mr. right will come from someplace else, not online dating, on line dating is just practice for when we do find mr. right…
    in my headspace i get that, but not in my heart yet…

  46.  #46janjune on August 19, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    i do have to admit though, that it feels exciting to be considering men…

    and i love the hairy legs…

    muscles and shoulders…

    i feel surprised at my reaction to the hairy legs of the men in the photos on okcupid LOL!

    i also feel alert sensing the yang energy they exude, even in photos…
    i feel tingly in my energetic self as a feminine counterpart to that

    i feel a great match for their hot, strong male doing energy with my goddessey cool open being energy

  47.  #47Lucy on August 19, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    Hi Janjune… been reading your posts on this thread… I did learn a lot and grew a lot in a year of online dating. It is worth it, imo.

    And I have to comment on the hairy legs remark … When I got into the car with WH I was so surprised at my strong reaction to his hairy legs! It was primal, lol. I had to NOT look at them just to stay sane. Mmmm, just the memory of them is getting to me….

  48.  #48Brenda on August 19, 2010 at 9:03 pm


    Here is peanut butter cheesecake for all the Sirens…


  49.  #49janjune on August 19, 2010 at 9:06 pm

    okay, maybe this isn’t going to be so bad after all.

    i feel a little different having expressed the fear above.

    there is a real QTPie that comes up as my second match… im having it sort by friend % which i feel will make a difference.
    i love the things he said in his profile…
    kinda cute…

    i rated him.
    put five stars
    and just left it at that.

  50.  #50janjune on August 19, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    oh geez—


    i’m starting to get it—-
    exactly *WHY* you want us to get on line and start the online dating process….

    b/c i just “made a mistake” with QTPie guy…
    i was patting myself on the back, congratulating myself for using the rori no leaning forward tool by not contacting any of the men…

    and then i realized i’d rated mr. QTPie, which to me now feels like leaning forward b/c *I* am going to come up on his matches the same way he came up on mine because of our match status.

    so i should have just put my pic up etc (what i have “done” so far…) and let him respond or not when i came up as *HIS* match…

    oh well, i’m learning…


    …exactly the point

  51.  #51Brenda on August 19, 2010 at 9:50 pm


    I want to fight. I need someone to fight.

    The Dork

  52.  #52Jacqueline on August 19, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    test again….

  53.  #53Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:06 am

    Yoyoyo… Interesting day. I almost hypnotized my friend with positive eft rori style self talk



    That’s right. Got a call from getrite man… The one who was acting bad and is mad that I started dating his friend

    He has a strong effect on me and I lost my plan.

    He calls: what are you doing

    Hella loud brusque

    I said: you’ve been being mean to me

    Poops! Where’s the Delong message? —that’s feeling message phone self corrects—

    So he’s like. Wll u been dating so and so

    I’m like: why are u calling me getrite man?

    He’s like : oh it’s like that

    I’m like: yeah cu u been bein mean to me so BYE

    Oops. Feeling message? Lost temper… Doesn’t happen w most men nut with hi
    He triggers it

    He’s like: something

    Me: wat do u want?

    Then we hung up

  54.  #54Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:19 am

    Also my other cd called out the blue… And started off makin some sarcastic comment… Till I found myself feeling tight and thinking up a clever thing yo say … And I
    Like uhoh… Girl energy

    So I say I don’t want to argue w u.

    He says I’m not arguin with u . Wha?

    An I’m like see u startin it again. — we had fallen In a pattern

    Then I think I leaned forward or I was curious abt his new job

    But it turns out he had to live w his bm.

    So I’m like dude y is this man always tell me about this. How did I get involved… And he talks to me like a friend… But I’m pretty sure he wants to do something sexual

    Ima have to script communicate to him that…

    If were friends then no sex.

    Or… If he wants me sexually— wait wait wait of course he does—

    I want to be pursued romantically


    How will I say this?

    I don’t want to be just his friend… It feels good to be seen that way and I want more… I don’t want to feel second place

    I don’t want to hear about other women.. I feel turned off and kinda disrespected—

    I don’t want to feel less than special

    Hmm. . I don’t know how to talk to him without Getting resentful or feeling like I’m asking him to like me more… Help!

    I don’t feel liked, and it feels great that you want me in your life.. And I don’t feel comfortable talking about other wo
    En with you. I feel bad and turned off. It feels humiliating. I don’t want to tolerate that and I am going to

    To what? Not pick up the phone? I dono. I feel confused.

  55.  #55Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:20 am

    Maybe like getrite man… Wat do u want dman? I don’t like talking about this. I’m feeling unspecial and icky. Bye!

  56.  #56Jennifer on August 20, 2010 at 4:21 am

    Thanks Brenda
    Feeling a bit bummed out.
    I was going to take me to the spa in the town they send me to work…it’s seriously cheap and good.
    But then another nurse called and needs to train me to do some new stuff but can’t do it until 4…so thats too late for the spa.
    Throwing myself a cheesecake soiree at the local cake and coffee place.
    I feel kinda nervous about it.
    They are keeping the place open for me…what if no one shows up?
    I would sit there all alone and have no visitors..then I would feel stupid.
    Money friend says she’s coming.
    So there will be one at least.
    Its also the place I had a cheesecake soiree for myself a couple of years ago and B never showed up.
    We lived three blocks away.
    He said he felt left out and not welcome so he didn’t show up.
    I feel tight in my belly
    I feel nervous
    I feel edgy

  57.  #57Jennifer on August 20, 2010 at 4:33 am

    I’ve been thinking alot about judo man
    My sister asked me the other night if I noticed that he seems to be touching me alot for no apparent reason?
    I feel glad that it was not just my imagination.
    I feel resistant to him cause I *KNOW* there’s no relationship possible there.
    But then I was thinking.
    Maybe the univese sent him to help me practice
    Online dudes freak me out But he doesn’t.
    I feel safe with him. I know where he’s coming from.
    He’s not a wierdo.
    Well, kinda but he’s a version of wierdo I understand.
    Maybe he’s for practicing on?
    But I still feel worried I’d sleep with him.
    Sleep with him? I’m worried I’d JUMP him.
    Then I’m worried I’d be a stage 10 clinger. Stalking him and what not.
    BOOOO for stalking
    I don’t know what to do
    What do y’all think?

  58.  #58Renee on August 20, 2010 at 6:03 am

    Ok sirens, so here’s my update…I’ve apparently decided to “take a lover” as Rori would say…someone who adores me and at the same time, someone whom with whom I feel safe I probably won’t develop strong and possessive feelings for and it feels…pretty good and empowering, but kind of weird. I mean, it’s cougar man, and I was definitely hoping for something more serious with him before we met (and he wants something more serious) but I just don’t know that I see us making it long term.

    But all day long yesterday he was asking to see me again and frankly, I was just in the mood for sex…I knew if I agreed to see him again last night, I was probably going to sleep with him and I really pondered if that was okay with me and so far, I feel okay with it. He definitely doesn’t seem like he’s backing off — he keeps talking about “if this works out” and asking me about doing things in the future, so I felt safe with my decision for me, though I feel a little guilty about my decision for him. Though I’m keeping an open mind…if things do start to get more serious on my part, I’m open to it, but I just don’t know that I see us as marriage-level compatible.

    In the meantime, though, he knows I plan to continue seeing other people, but he did make me “pinkie swear” that I wouldn’t sleep with anyone else last night — kinda cute really. And there are several other men who are on my radar at the moment…including a blonde cutie from Match as well as a guy I’m thinking of working for part time (though ever since I told him I’d consider working for him, my other business has picked up, so I kind of get the feeling that we were brought back together for a reason other than work…he definitely intrigues me…he’s Spanish though and like many Latino men, kind of possessive, so when I told him about my new dating philosophy, he was totally against it. He said he felt like if two people are really interested in each other, having all those other people in the background was just noise getting in the way. He said he’s tried the “dating around” approach and it didn’t lead him to find “the one” and if he and I ended up dating, he would focus his entire attention on me and would want the same respect. This was after I clarified that I would be sexually exclusive with anyone I was sexually involved with, but this is a firm boundary with him apparently.

    So…my question is this — should I even consider dating the Spaniard if, going into it, I know he won’t “allow” me to circular date? (Not after the first few dates anyway). I could be missing out on something special, but I could just be getting in my own way…and I do totally understand where he’s coming from…I’ve been on the other side of that equation, and I didn’t care for it at all.

    It feels somewhat relieving at this point to think I may have an outlet for my sexual needs without wanting to rush into something sexual with someone else I really like, but I feel a little guilty about it too because I know he reaaaaaally likes me and wants something serious with me (cougar man, that is). What do you think?

  59.  #59Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 6:46 am

    Jennifer: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Wish for something good!!

  60.  #60Brenda on August 20, 2010 at 7:22 am


    Our friends are like angels,
    Who brighten our days.
    In all kinds of wonderful,
    Magical ways.

    Their thoughtfulness comes,
    As a gift from above.
    And we feel we’re surrounded,
    By warm, caring love.

    Like upside-down rainbows,
    Their smiles bring the sun.
    And they fill ho-hum moments,
    With laughter and fun.

    Friends are like angels,
    Without any wings.
    Blessing our lives,
    With the most precious things.

    Author: Emily Matthews

  61.  #61Brenda on August 20, 2010 at 7:28 am


    I’m happy for you! If it were me, I might date the Spaniard and let the chips fall where they may. You don’t have to be exclusive just cuz he wants you to. I would just do my thing and only discuss it with him if it came up…but honestly.

  62.  #62Mercedes on August 20, 2010 at 7:30 am

    I had a wonderful night last night and I want to share.

    J and I had our date and it was FANTASTIC. We drove to a beautiful area of town where I want to live someday. We’ve been talking about getting a different house (not actually looking…just sort of talking about it off and on) and decided to drive around getting ideas for what we want.

    We stopped at a bar I am familiar with and had a glass of wine on the couch in front of the fireplace (cool little bar) and just talked.

    Then we had dinner at my favorite tapas restaurant. The food was good but the music was too loud so it was hard to talk. We just table danced a lot and had fun.

    When we got home, we had another glass of wine by the pool before going to bed. It was wonderful.

    We both rediscovered each other last night. We spoke intimately and without distraction (unless you count the dog trying to interrupt in his own cute way). I was able to see him clearly and he was able to see me and we were able to spend time just cherishing each other.

    I woke up this morning knowing that I have everything I love. I can erase people who cause too much anxiety…I don’t have to accept them into my life. I have goodness and peace and happiness. That feeling I had the day I came back here to post? I have that…I have access to it all the time. I got caught up in negativity and sadness and anger and I shouldn’t have. I lost control over the peace that was flowing through me. I am going to do everything in my power to keep that peace and happiness and not let others get to me quite so much…no matter how much I care.

    I reminded myself that I can’t save the world. A tough love approach isn’t going to work for everyone. I am at peace in my own being and my own life. I’m open and here for anyone who ever needs me but…there’s no reason for me to strive so hard to help others.

    I can remove those who hurt or anger or try to bait me. I can cherish those who nurture. I can be me without apology because anyone asking me to change or apologize can just go away. It’s that simple.

    No longer will I be baited into conversations I don’t want to be in. If I agree, I’ll agree. If I disagree, I’ll disagree. If there’s a debate, I’ll choose whether or not to participate. If someone is talkin to me who always seems to irritate me, I’ll ignore.

    I have that power. It is my life. And I am enjoying the real life I have very much. That part of my life that is real and in person and kissable and touchable and loving and wonderful. The part that makes me laugh and encourages my silliness and respects my independence and loves my spunk and cherishes my heart…yeah…I think I’ll put the maximum amount of my energy into HIM and less amout into others. Especially into those who I really don’t even care that much about anymore.

    I feel really, really happy! I hope each and every one of you has an AMAZING day as well!

    Much Love,

  63.  #63Brenda on August 20, 2010 at 7:34 am

    Every Woman is Beautiful

    “Why are you crying?” he asked his mom.
    “Because I’m a woman” she told him.
    “I don’t understand,” he said.
    His mom just hugged him and said,
    “And you never will”……….

    Later the little boy asked his father,
    “Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?”
    “All women cry for no reason”
    was all his dad could say……..

    The little boy grew up and became a man,
    still wondering why women cry.
    Finally he put in a call to GOD;
    when GOD got on the phone,
    the man said, “GOD,
    why do women cry so easily?”
    GOD said…….

    “When I made women she had to be special.
    I made her shoulders strong enough to
    carry the weight of the world;
    yet, gentle enough to give comfort….

    I gave her an inner strength to endure
    childbirth and the rejection that many times
    comes from her children……

    I gave her a hardness that allows her
    to keep going when everyone else gives up
    and take care of her family through
    sickness and fatigue without complaining……

    I gave her the sensitivity to love
    her children under any and all circumstances,
    even when her child has hurt them very badly…….

    This same sensitivity helps her make a child’s
    boo-boo feel better and shares in
    their teenagers anxieties and fears…….

    I gave her strength to carry her husband
    through his faults and fashioned her from
    his rib to protect his heart……

    I gave her wisdom to know that
    a good husband never hurts his wife,
    but sometimes tests her strengths and
    her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly……

    I gave her a tear to shed,
    It’s hers exclusively
    to use whenever it is needed.
    It’s her only weakness….

    It’s a tear for mankind………”

    The beauty of a woman is not
    in the clothes she wears,
    the figure that she carries,
    or the way she combs her hair…

    The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes,
    because that is the doorway to her heart,
    the place where love resides.
    The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
    but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.

    It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
    The passion that she shows
    and the beauty of a woman with
    passing years only grows!

    Author: Unknown

  64.  #64dorothea on August 20, 2010 at 7:36 am

    Mercedes, I feel thrilled for you about your wonderful date.

    And I feel grateful, because I realized when I was reading about your awesome date that every date I have with LI feels precisely like that.

    tonight: SUSHI!

  65.  #65Mercedes on August 20, 2010 at 7:44 am

    Dorothea: YAY Sushi!! I LOVE sushi!! My dates are all like that with J too…the problem we’ve had is that the summer has been so busy with family, friends and children coming and going and with my job keeping me away so much that we forgot to have those dates. We got caught up in everyone else and we didn’t spend enough quality time this summer to remain fulfilling to each other on a continuous basis (which is what we’re used to…we kind of spoiled each other a little).

    That’s what I mean about “rediscovered each other”. We’ve had some fantastic moments all summer long…but we also have led very different lives than what we’re used to. So last night, we re-vowed to come back to cherishing, loving and feeding positive energy to each other consistently. And…we promised that no matter how much life gets in the way of us (like the fact that he has to travel a lot this month and next) that we will remember to make that time for each other and that we will (more importantly) make that time QUALITY time.

    Oh…and we’re going to remember to date more too. 🙂

    Thank you! And I’m so happy you get to have wonderful dates as well. Cool stuff!

    Much Love,

  66.  #66Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 8:12 am

    Mercedes: I feel so happy reading about your date! I can totally picture sitting on the couch in front of the fire at a bar (we have something similar at a bar in my city). LOVE! So romantic!

    This is completely off-topic but I’m hoping you can help me. I’m in the midst of mentor training for pregnant teens at a parenting program in my city. I know you work with teens. Any suggestions so that I don’t get fed to the wolves? Books, resources, etc. about mentoring teens?

    Dorothea: It sounds like you are fully recovered from your leaning forward. 😉 I hear the love for LI in your voice again. I can’t wait to hear about your date.

  67.  #67dorothea on August 20, 2010 at 8:15 am

    More happy gushing
    this guy picks me up (sometimes on FOOT cuz he doesn’t own a car. now how cute is that?), opens doors, helps me over curbs and out of my seats, is never rude to anyone in our presence, is never rude to me, pays full attention to me, doesn’t freaking tip poorly (omg! one surefire way to turn me off for good is to tip very poorly or not at all), puts himself between me and moving cars when we’re walking, takes me home at the end of the night even if he doesn’t have the car… and he’s a good kisser!

    yay i’m feeling positive.

  68.  #68dorothea on August 20, 2010 at 8:17 am

    shannon, leaning forward is bad for everybody in the end. i am going to be spamming even more here in the future as i adjust to truly leaning back all the time, and not just as an antidote.

  69.  #69Mercedes on August 20, 2010 at 8:29 am

    SS: I don’t really know of resources for you because everything I know comes from my experience with them. Your phrase “fed to the wolves” is exactly how I started. LOL. I was terrible my first couple of years in teaching class…after that, I learned. So…although I don’t know of any resources, I can give you some tips that I discovered through my own trial and error experiences.

    1. They really, really hate lectures. They hear it all the time, from everyone around them. As soon as you lecture, they see you as just another parent or teacher and they shut down.

    2. They DO want advice. If you use the words “Well..that’s an could do that, but did you ever think about doing it this way?” they’re much more open. Agree that their way is an option but then offer an alternative…and let that alternative be the advice they really need.

    3. They will relate to you much better if you dress cool. I know this sounds silly, but if you dress like a teacher or their mother, they will have an instant wall. If you wear skinny jeans, cool shoes and a hoodie…even their body language will open up.

    4. They will talk about themselves if you talk about yourself. If you confess to mistakes in the past and to regrets and to doing things you shouldn’t have in your youth…they’ll tell you their own secrets. If you put yourself on a pedistal or allow them to put you on one…they’ll be too ashamed to admit their own mistakes. You can’t help them until they open to you…if you try before that, you are just another grownup treating them like a child.

    5. Stop them from referring to their child as a “mistake”. The action of getting pregnant might have been a mistake (and I would only use this if they’re not with the boy anymore or they’ll…again…put that wall up) but the baby himself/herself is not the mistake. These girls want a woman who understands and who still sees the good in them. Everyone sees the mistake. They hear it all the time and they begin to say it themselves. The fact is, no child, not the pregnant one and not the unborn one, is a mistake. Let these girls know you know that and they’ll appreciate, remember and be inspired by you all their lives.

    That’s about all I can think of now. Mostly the more open you are the more open they will be. The more accepting of them you can be, the more accepting they will be of you. And the more accepting they are of you….the more helpful they will let you be.

    Oh…and one other thing. Usually, when a teen is pregnant, nobody says “congratulations!”. As sad as their situation is/can be…every mother deserves to hear the word “congratulations” no matter how old (or young) that mother is.


    Much Love,

  70.  #70Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 8:37 am

    Dorothea!! I feel silly admitting this out loud but I LOVE a man who “puts himself between me and moving cars when we’re walking”. My uncle does this and gets mad when I’m on the wrong side of the sidewalk (he’s really joking but I love feeling so protected by him). Mr. Masculine Man did that same thing on our second date. He switched sides with me, without my even realizing it until after it happened. Swoon! That jarred lose my memory about my uncle and how protected I felt. I had to tell Mr. Fab Kisser about it but he does it very consistently now.

  71.  #71Renee on August 20, 2010 at 8:46 am

    Brenda — Thanks for the encouragement…this is definitely new territory for me so I feel kind of like I’m fumbling in the dark. I mean, I’m using Rori’s guidelines as just that, guidelines, but trying to keep in mind that in the end, I have to do what I feel good about.

    I think I will go out with the Spaniard and just see how things develop…I think, for me, the reality is that once I really like someone, I have a hard time wanting to see other people…that’s how I know, I guess, that none of the guys I’ve dated lately are “the one” (or at least they haven’t shown me that yet) because when I get home from my dates, I’m likely to reply to a Match or eHarmony email the minute I walk through the door.

    Any new developments with you on the CD front? Even just CDing yourself? I feel excited for you with your developing feelings towards Bill, but I also feel wary for you that you may be getting attached to the outcome with him….what do you think?

  72.  #72Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 8:50 am

    Mercedes: YES! Thank you so much! I’m printing it off for my notes. I feel nervous but really excited. I think this is going to be a great growing experience for me and for the girl I’m paired with. I feel really blessed to be given this opportunity to serve someone during such a scary and uncertain point in their lives. (And I know that’s a judgment of their situation. I’m working on going in with the “right” attitude. 🙂 )

    We’ll see. I believe this opportunity is preparing me for something big. I don’t know what yet (G*d hasn’t shown me all the steps) but this was definitely placed in my lap for a reason.

    Thank you again!! Shannon

  73.  #73Renee on August 20, 2010 at 8:56 am

    Knocksoftly — I don’t know of the specific posts that address “leaning forward”…I know it’s in Committment Blueprint and I think it’s in the eBook too.

    There are definitely others on here who could do a better job of outlining it for you than I, but my general understanding of it is: any activity you paricipate in in which you are trying to advance the relationship yourself. This includes initiating calls/txts, hinting that you’d like to be asked out, offering your number before it’s requested and generally trying to maneuver things so that you can try to get a man to do what you want him to do.

    Even confirming a date (after the man has asked you out) is considered leaning forward and overfunctioning — he’s the man and needs to row the relationship boat forward. If you have the oars trying to row the boat forward yourself, he can’t have them at the same time. So if you’re rowing the boat (or leaning forward), it’s up to you to drop the oars, walk away (either physically or metaphorically) and let him row the boat or it’s just not going to work.

    You want a man who’s capable and willing to row the relationship boat himself, without your needing to do it. If he can’t/won’t, he’s not the man for you, plain and simple. If you’ve been rowing the boat yourself for a while now, you may have an adjustment period after you drop the oars during which he may be trying to figure out what he wants to do because he’s grown used to your propelling the relationship forward, not him, but if he’s the right guy for you, he’ll pick up those oars and row, row, row!

    Does that help at all?

  74.  #74Turtle Girl on August 20, 2010 at 9:11 am


    I am in the same position you are. I “took a lover”.
    And well, it’s been just like you said. He got the boyfriend speech. He knows I am dating others, but I agreed to be exclusive with him in the sex. And the sex is good. So I am liking it.
    This has been going on for about 3 months now. He got mad and really jealous at first one night when he called and I was headed out the door on a date with someone else.
    Later he told me he still wanted to pursue me no matter what.
    So-I am still dating others. Having said that here is what is happening. This lover was not what I thought I would want in a man either. Not for forever, but as time has gone on and I have gotten to know him and he has behaved so well an d stepped up every time and is still here; I have become more open to seeing him as the one. It is not what I expected to happen, but it has. So I am remaining open to a long term thing with him because he has proved himself to be a man. A good man. A wonderful man. And THAT feels so good.

    I love you post #62. I don’t post much here any more for a number of reasons but I followed the last few and saw what went on between some of the sirens and it made me feel compassion, sadness and anger. Not AT anyone. Just made me shake my head and go “Wow………….” Some of the stuff here gets deep. Some of it is just bullshit. It is all a learning experience to be sure. Let me just say I have always enjoyed your input whether I agree or not. Are you angry? I dunno. Not for me to say. But I think we all are in varying degrees. All are on a journey toward release, enlightenment and love – at least that is what I hope for for myself.

    You date sounded wonderful. What a super evening.

    And if you work with teenage girls-I applaud you. We so need people to do that and help those young scared confused girls. Some of them haven’t a soul in the world to turn to that they feel gives a shit about them. I know-I used to be one of them as a teenager. Thank you for all that you do. Be blessed.

  75.  #75Renee on August 20, 2010 at 9:35 am

    Turtle Girl — Interesting story in relation to the lover. I can see how that could happen though…as you know, sex does cause us to emit bonding chemicals that can be pretty powerful, but that, on top of the fact that he’s stepped up every time would probably turn anyone’s head.

    This guy is definitely not who I would have matched myself with in terms of career or personality, but I do enjoy his company and I’m open to it going somewhere if it takes that route…maybe this guy was brought to me to teach me how to be involved with someone without freaking out about the outcome…or maybe he is “the one” in sheep’s clothing and the very thing that’s drawing him to me is that I’m not attached to the outcome with him…who knows? We’ll see.

    So I’m curious…how many dates with other men do you usually go on in a week and how often do you see this guy?

  76.  #76Mercedes on August 20, 2010 at 9:39 am

    SS: You are very welcome and if I think of anything else, I’ll be sure to reach out to you. Right now it’s hard though because I’ve been doing it so long that maybe I take things for granted rather than think of them as tools someone else might find useful?? I don’t know…but I do know that working with youth is probably the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life. I was as scared as you when I started (I was too young to have teens of my own and too old to be anywhere NEAR their age…really felt like I had nothing to offer) but once I got past the fear and learned to open to them and allow them to open to me…it was amazing. A note of caution though…if you ever take a group of teens on a mission trip…well…bring boat loads of patience!

    Turtle Girl! Hi and thank you! I sure have had my moments of anger…that’s true…and sadness…and fear…and frustration…and exasperation…and amusement…all while posting here…LOL But that’s all good. You’re right stuff sure does get deep! But…I woke up feeling happy and blessed and I’ve decided that I can shut out those who are out to destroy that feeling in me. Some want to really, really bad and I won’t speculate on their motivations, but it doesn’t matter. When I wake up smiling because the greatest thing that ever happened to me is sleeping with his arms and legs wrapped around me…well…no reason to feel anything other than peace. It doesn’t matter what someone else wants me to feel. I can look back at that moment this morning and those moments last night and sink in that feeling. Rori says to sink into our feelings…if I’m going to sink…that’s the particular feeling I want the whole sinking experience to be with! 🙂

    And thank you as well for your comments about my work with teens. They are amazing, exhausting, trying, beautiful, funny creatures…and my life wouldn’t be the same without them. And hopefully in all the years I’ve been doing it…even one of them feels the same way about me!

    OH!! Shannon! One thing I forgot to mention! I don’t know if you plan on keeping this up long term or if you plan on being paired up with another teen again or expanding to include groups, etc, but one thing I did from the very beginning and I will continue it always:

    I have had every teen I have ever worked with autograph my teen bible. I bought one specifically for the purpose of teaching teens out of it and at the end of my time with them (each year or at the end of a mission trip or whatever) I have them write to me. They choose any page they want…they can write in the margins or on the maps, ect. They can write whatever they want (I do ask that they include a date so I can remember when I worked with them). Which means at the end of every year I have to go through the bible page by page to find what they wrote and I get to read what all the kids before them wrote..just trying to find the new stuff. Every year I get to remember each teen I worked with and how they felt about me during that time. It is VERY, VERY special to me. And since I started it from the beginning…I have them all. I’ve also kept letters they’ve sent me, Christmas cards, emails, etc in there.

    Just a thought…I recommend letting them get to know you before they sign it…you will hear some very, very special comments about how much they’ve grown and you will get to see a true picture of how you touched them.

    Much Love,

  77.  #77dorothea on August 20, 2010 at 9:53 am

    Turtle Girl and Renee, my LI started as just a lover, it made him go loco gaga with feelins for me and it pushed me away, a large part of it being that I didn’t see myself with a person like him long term. He was younger than me, unestablished, not working, going to class (sometimes), and drinking a lot.

    But then he came back months later all steppin up and showin me that he can be a wonderful man to me too as much as those other guys who “fit” into my ideal, and now I am way in love with him, which drives me crazy and makes me act weird. Oh great.

    This is an example of a man responding positively to boundaries and don’t wants. I didn’t try to change him and say “I wish you would drink less, I wish you would get a job, I wish you would act more serious..” Instead I said, no thank you with not too much explanation and went on about my life. And he came back a transformed man. It’s been 9 months of consistently spending time with him and I’ve honestly never once seen him wasted on booze…he stops after 1 or 2 drinks if he’s out with me to be able to take care of me and protect me, as he says. He doesn’t drink at home to pass time, and doesn’t go out to the bar unless I say I need a drink, which isn’t more than a few times a year. He’s got a job and is searchin for a better one.

    I was not at all feelin him for the longest time, but he just pursued and pursued and then one day I’m like “oh I love this guy.”

    I don’t think there are any rules about what can happen with lovers, even ones you’re not into for the long term. Like Rori says, Be Surprised.

    Now if I could just quit leaning forward so damn much and overfunctioning…

  78.  #78Brenda on August 20, 2010 at 10:05 am


    You said, “I think, for me, the reality is that once I really like someone, I have a hard time wanting to see other people…”

    This is true for me, too. Rori’s circular dating sure doesn’t come naturally for me, but I know it’s good for me. Yes, without a doubt, I am getting too attached to the outcum with Bill. Just wired that way, and I don’t know how not to be, short of praying that Ryan will come back in my life, which I just finished doing.

    No action on my two dating sites. I am going to modify my profile and genericize it a little.

    I might see 62 this weekend, as a friend. Not excited in the least. A good friend invited me over for dinner and a movie Sat, and that feels kinda like cding myself (she’s a her). So I guess I’m not cding. It takes a lot of time and energy, and that’s a real challenge too. I am overwhelmed as it is.

    I continue to talk to my exhusband, Kenny, on the phone every day. He really makes me laugh. He gets one or two 15 minute calls a day. Lately he has rarely gotten in a second call, because there is one phone for a whole block of men at the prison.

    Leaning back is never an issue with Kenny, because he’s a masculine man and has always stepped up from day one. He welcomes any and all contact from me (truth is he would remarry me any day of the week if I offered). Today at the end of his call, I said, “I want you to call me back.”

    “I can’t”

    “Okay, I want you to call me back.”

    “I can’t.”

    “Okay, I want you to call me back.”

    “I told you! I can’t!”

    I laughed, “I know. I’m just teasing. That’s my way of saying I really enjoyed talking with you and I miss you.”

    “I know”.

    A moment after he hung up, the phone rang! I picked up and said, “It’s a miracle! How’d you do that??”

    He said in his low, sexy voice, “Don’t worry about it.”

    Made my day!

  79.  #79Renee on August 20, 2010 at 10:48 am

    Dorothea — wow, you too, huh? Well, this guy’s certainly pursuing…I just don’t know how attracted I would be to him long term, but I guess we’ll see.

    So, I find it interesting that he pursued you to death at the beginning but yet you have a hard time with leaning forward…I wonder where that comes from? So far, with this guy, I’ve been leaning back all the way, but I have a real problem with leaning forward when I’m more interested in a man…I know I’m not doing myself any favors when I do it so I’m getting better at quashing those urges, lol.

    When he came back into your life (after he had cleaned up his act), were you really interested in him right away or were you still thinking he might just be someone to pass some time with? I’m wondering how long it took for you to start feeling these deeper feelings.

  80.  #80Sherry on August 20, 2010 at 11:04 am

    Wow! Renee – you are my mirror!

  81.  #81dorothea on August 20, 2010 at 11:06 am

    When he came back all grown and mature and not retarded, I still wasn’t interested in him long term. I fooled around with him and enjoyed it, but I soon learned he was still talking to girls he had been seeing when he wasn’t dating me, and I started feeling insecure, and I quit having sex with him because I wasn’t feeling like a rockstar with a lover anymore. I was feeling used and second-best.

    Like I had done before by having strong boundaries about no long term relationship with him when he wasn’t what I wanted, I took care of me and didn’t worry about how he would react by no longer sleeping with him.

    Also of note in terms of Rori’s teachings, when I said “wtf you talk to all these other girls on your facebook so i am not going to be in your online gallery of ladies,” he withdrew completely and didn’t respond very well. We went on dating with no sex, and once I said simply how it makes me feel to see a guy stay in touch with all these women, he responded differently by accommodating my feelings, and he stepped way up by cutting off contact with these women, which was entirely his idea;) Jedi Rori Mind Tricks for the win.

    He stepped way up again and again and I finally started feeling a healthy attraction for someone who treats me with respect, probably for the first time in my life. But from time to time with him I would go through phases of rejecting nice guy treatment, because that’s been an issue of mine for a long time.

    But he just kept pursuing and pursuing until I overfunctioned like crazy, but fortunately the turn around of leaning way back only took 3 days, so that’s great news.

  82.  #82Renee on August 20, 2010 at 11:12 am

    Sherry — are you in the same situation? Am I the only woman on here who’s never decided to “take a lover” and had him fall for me despite my not caring much one way or the other? lol. I didn’t realize this situation was so common…hmmm.

  83.  #83dorothea on August 20, 2010 at 11:14 am

    When you don’t care about him falling for you (in that you don’t actively WANT him to fall for you), he will fall.

    oh boys…so easy…

  84.  #84Renee on August 20, 2010 at 11:16 am

    Dorothea — I really respect you for having such strong boundaries…I’ve gotten much better about that the past few weeks, but I realize after reading and watching Rori’s blog and dvd’s that I was doing a really crappy job of setting boundaries previously, so no wonder guys felt free to trample on my heart.

    Have you always been this good at setting firm boundaries, or was it Rori’s teachings that helped you get better at this?

  85.  #85Sherry on August 20, 2010 at 11:17 am

    And Turtle Girl – another mirror! I am in the exact same relationship lol.

  86.  #86dorothea on August 20, 2010 at 11:26 am

    It was Rori. I want to scream from the rooftops that it was Rori.

  87.  #87Daria on August 20, 2010 at 11:34 am

    you know how Rori talked about facial expressions in a recent e-letter…

    what kind of emotion goes with a “sneer”

    i mean, is that …

    i just feel blank


    happy? powerful?

    is that a basic emotions?

    what kind of emotion goes with a sneer?


  88.  #88Sherry on August 20, 2010 at 11:38 am

    Daria – when I picture a sneer I feel disgust… but I’m sure it can mean different things to different people.

  89.  #89Brenda on August 20, 2010 at 11:39 am


  90.  #90tinque on August 20, 2010 at 11:41 am

    disgust? condescension? arrogance? fear?
    as all emotions go back to love and fear, and a sneer is not love.

  91.  #91Nikita on August 20, 2010 at 11:41 am

    Sneer? Derision….sarcasm ….Elvis Presley -is a good sneer when he curled his lip and rocked his hips 🙂 or is that a snarl……I think sneer is a little on the undercover condescension meany side…..I sneer when I’m rushing through the subway and people are standing in the doorways……that feeling of “really?, how am I going to get off if you stand in the door like a deer in headlights?” ……I try not to take the subway, it triggers me 🙂

  92.  #92Renee on August 20, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Sneer? Smug.

  93.  #93Daria on August 20, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    smug – right? and that feels good and also bad

    im so confused as i do this a lot, and i want to find out what it is, am i doing a defense? what am i expressing?

  94.  #94Daria on August 20, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    Sneer is NOT love?

    wat about being smug?

    smug could be cute, like a little girl whos proud of herself

    i love me

    i feel confused small scary

    sneer feels bad too…


    this is my favorite facial expression

    why do i use this

    its a defense of

    feeling vulnerable?


    what more can i learn about this

    thank you

  95.  #95Renee on August 20, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Knocksoftly — Now that I think about it, I think in the “dating’ category on like page 3 there’s a post about not wanting to stop chasing him for fear that he won’t chase you…hopefully, you’ll be able to find it.

    And you can do this — if he’s worth his salt, he’ll row…and if he doesn’t, he’s not the right man for you, but at least you’ll know.

    I’m not that great at this, but I try not be attached to the outcome — telling yourself you’re going to be ok no matter what happens — is very important to your self-esteem and setting the right vibe that will inspire him to row.

  96.  #96dorothea on August 20, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    knocksoftly, i feel proud and relieved for you. many men resist, often with anger and outburts, nonexclusivity. In my experience, however, they always come around;) Just lean back and do you. You’re so good.

  97.  #97Daria on August 20, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    Im editign a Rori comment to fit all situations:

    Unless you state that you can’t accept friends who are girls (I wouldn’t worry about an ex unless you feel he’s into her and she dumped HIM) at the beginning – you have to take him the way he is. Trying to change this, or get upset about it will just destroy his feelings for you. Take the man as is, or stop being exclusive with him and Circular Date. That said – you have to share your feelings with him – that it feels bad, you don’t like it, and yet you realize this is what he wants and you want him to be happy so you’re going to try to work through it – unless it gets out of hand and he spends time with her you want him to spend with you – but it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s going on here…

    unless i tell him at the beginning that i cant accept _____. don’t try to change him.

    since i already proceeded, now im gonna tell him…

    ok this feels bad, i don’t like it, and im gonna try to work thru it with you


    hello?! i feel excited! this is what i was missing! appreciation, ive been thinking being all about myself means never showing that i want Him to be happy too, and acknowledging that…

    ohh i felt judgemtent to myself that im unappreciative

    i hav eto practice this

    it feels SO scary

    Sneering is so much easier… familiar

    this feels bad. i don’t like it. and Yet i realize this is what you want and i want you to be happy, so im gonna try to work through it with you. what do you think?

    but now its

    this feels bad. i dont like it. and yet i realize thats what you want and i want you to be happy, so i tried to work through it with you, and it felt bad and i dont want to do it anymore


    this feels bad. i dont like it. i hear what you want and i want you to be happy, and i dont want to to do this. i tried to work through it and it didn’t feel good.




    but what i really want is him to turn around and change right?


    do i ask what he thinks do i end the convo

    it feels bad to be treated this way, like a friend and not a woman on a date. i don’t like it. i realize that’s what you want for right now and i want you to be happy, and i tried to work through it but i don’t want to anymore, i feel bad about myself and angry at you and i dont want to feel that way.

    actually i feel so mistrustful right now i feel ike i could never ever trust u in a miilion years

    i feel like youo are just playing with my emotions and are so on a different page than me that we are planet zirkons apart

    i feel like dashihng you with my super space laser and slapping you across the face

    i hate yu so much and i hate how you have abused me and mistreated me and treated me as less than and i hate you how ou come crawling back to me like you did nothing wrong

    i hate you
    i hate you

    i hate you

    i hate you

    hello… actually i hate you… thank you


    i feel so betrayed

    booo hooooo

    this feels baddddd

    i cant reach him


    i wanna feel loved

    i dont feel safe

    i feel so sad

    i feel so sad

    i feel heartoiken

    i miss him loving me

    did he ever love me
    i dont remeber
    i feel so sad
    i feel so sad

    i feel so sad
    i feel so sad

    i feel so sad

    i feel so sad

    i feel so sad
    i feel so sad

    i feel so ssd



    i feel sad

    i feel sad

    i miss him
    i miss my baby
    i mss yim
    i miss him

    i miss him
    i mihss him

    i miss him
    i miss him
    i miss him
    i miss him
    i mihss him
    i mis him
    i miss him
    i miss my babyyyyy
    oh god please give m my babyyyyy

    i fel so sadddddd

    ok i went to the bathroom, my phone rang, and i feel better

  98.  #98Daria on August 20, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    OK please clarify this for me. is Leaving… in general, feminine, or is it somethin masculine that is initiated

    that is, if im on a date, or spending time with a man, i find myself hesitating on intiating leaving, and then feeling awkward and insecure

    do i just leave

    i start leaving and sometimes pause… too… even in emotional stuff

    just like i did thinking about delivering a speech to a man above

    i didnt want to say id be leaving
    or. hang up thte phone.

  99.  #99Nikita on August 20, 2010 at 12:49 pm


    I second what Dorothea wrote. Many men come around to understanding that it’s not fair to a woman to monopolize her time if he’s unsure and he KNOWS that she’s interested in a traditional life; marriage and family. It’s just not fair, and it’s not fair to put yourself in that position by giving him permission to have you 100% to himself. So my feeling that I get is you have just voted for YOU 🙂

  100.  #100Nikita on August 20, 2010 at 12:53 pm


    Walking away? Isn’t that a tool? The walk away.

    I feel ready to leave.

    I feel antsy.

    I feel claustrophobic here.

    I feel ready to go home.

    I feel homesick.

    I feel like Cinderella and I don’t want my carriage to turn into a pumpkin? 😉

  101.  #101Daria on August 20, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    i feel all in teh dark on how to communicate with my cd’s right now.

    i just got a call from one who was out of town, he treated me well before but teh very last time i felt like he was resentful of it, i felt weird and not good

    i did say that i felt weird and like i was being made fun of last time i saw him… so…

    i did share that message

    he didnt exactly make it better

    he wanted me to go over there — i used to almost everyday before he went out of town, and smoke with him —

    but since the last time i kicked it with him i felt mistrustful and bad, i dont feel good or want to now




  102.  #102Jacqueline on August 20, 2010 at 1:07 pm


  103.  #103Jacqueline on August 20, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    Hi, just wanted to thank you who posted on the sugar thing….I wrote this whole long thing on EFT and for some reason it went to moderation….argh…
    anyway the watch video and tap thing while smelling was brilliant!! olfactory sense is the only one that goes straight to our limbic system and kind of bypasses the active brain! and thanks for suggestion, too Brenda – I’m so addcited I’m only wanting to want to stop it. lol….

    Happy Bday, Jennifer….a bouquet of multi-colored balloons to you.

    Thanks to you all for being here…

  104.  #104Sherry on August 20, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    Happy Birthday Jennifer 🙂

  105.  #105Nikita on August 20, 2010 at 1:58 pm


    Happy Birthday! You’re a fellow Lioness 🙂 Mine was last week! You have the lion’s mane-fiery hair and spirit, so happy new solar year to you!


  106.  #106Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    Happy belated birthday Nikita!

  107.  #107Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    Happy Birthday Jennifer!

  108.  #108Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    Happy Bday Nikita!

  109.  #109Nikita on August 20, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    Thank you ladies, I feel super good and seen 🙂

  110.  #110Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    hey daria…

    hey… i feel glad you called… i’ve been feeling weird… ive been noticing i feel bad that you dont express romantic interest in me. i dont want to talk anymore until that changes


    hang up


    this feels bad too

    i dont really like that statement
    is it true

    except i realy realy want that to change and be close to you

    ok… hi… ok i feel glad you called…

    i’ve been feeling weird… i noticed i feel bad that you dont express romantic interest in me… and it feels really bad actually so i dont want to talk to a man that isnt into me.

    i dont want to talk anymore until that changes, or until we can be friends non sexually… and i would need some time to see if i can do that if ever

    what do you think?

  111.  #111Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    is that giving an ultimatum?

    or directive?

  112.  #112Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    ugh it feels so confusing to compose… i get covered by this cloud of resentment and it feels cloudy in my mind

  113.  #113Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    maybe ill just tell him my way.

    look dboy check this out.

    i feel when im talking to you. that were like friends. and i dont want to be your friend. i want to be your girlfriend… well… that girl that you pursue. so i dont want to hear from you unless you callin to ask me out… or are knowing how i want to be treated.


  114.  #114Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    not bye – bye is rude –

    and i dont want to pressure you… that feels really bad. so im gonna go now. bye

    is that dramatic?

    do i want to hear what he thinks?


    dont have to Run away. i can Walk away. right?

    i feel confused


    ok.. dboy check this out… when we talk, i feel like we’re friends, and i dont want to be your friend. i want to be the woman you pursue… and it feels terrible to talk about it this way, because it feels like im begging you, and that feels gross

    in fact im not even gonna say this


    this feels humiliating


    you talk to me like a friend

    and it feels humliiating

    and i dont want to talk like this – as if were just friends.

    ever again.

    tahnk you


  115.  #115Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    i had a good idea and now i lost it


    i feel sad



    oooh i feel excited its his number

    ohh i feel kinda worried hmm

    Hellooo??? bats eyelashes

    Him: Heyyy. (down energy sounding – his signature heyy).

    Me: Hi

    Him: so what you been up to?

    Me: well i feel glad you called… ive been noticing that i feel bad that you dont talk to me romantically… and it feels really terrible and i dont want to talk about it cuz it feels icky… and i dont like hearing about your baby mama. i dont want to talk to you unless i feel like im being pursued… and i dont want to pressure you… you have all the time to figure out how you feel… and it feels bad to be in contact with you unless im being treated the way i like… so im just gonna lean back now and take care of me…


    hangs up

  116.  #116Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    oh no reading it above it feels terribly dramatic



    i feel spinny headed

    i feel sprung on him


    Hey, ive noticed that im kinda like sprung on you but i dont feel the same from you and that feels bad… like so bad that i dont want to talk to you unless you feel the same… ok byes!

    runs away



  117.  #117Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    i always had huge crushes on the popular boys in middle school from far away, and i was terrified they would find out because they would no way ever want me and they’d put me down and id feel humliated

    ok so evidently this is related

    ok i just hella like this guy

    so who cares?


    hes calling ME

    im not calling him

    hes calling ME

    so ima a tell him

    ummm hellooo yes we dont accept those kinda calls here

    no um




    whatyou bueen up to

    well ,,, im feeling glad you called… im feeling kinda weird… i noticed that i feel bad that you dont express romantic interest in me… and i dont want to talk be your friend… its feeling bad. waht do you think?

    aw man, alright if thats what you want

    me: im feelin u, and i dont like to have feelings for a man outside of a dating situation… it would feel great to have you pursuing me adn dating me… and it feels bad the way it feels right now

    im gonna go now


  118.  #118Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    evidently , i Really want to get off the phone with him

    i do Not think he will change

    so why bother?

    i dotn want to change him

    i just want to tell him i dont want that type of phonecall

    so i DO hang up right?


    i dono


    is it feminine to hang up?

    or hold on to hear what he might answer

    and it might feel bad



    hang up


    he calls with bs heyy
    hang up


    i feel icky

    i feel all confused again

    gonna get back on the horse

  119.  #119Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    i dono wat to say to him!! someone please help me

    do i want to hang up?

    hey baby
    i dont like the way youve been talking to me lately

    is something up?

    i just want to feel like breakingthru

  120.  #120Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    How about whining

    Babyyyy I dont feel like im being treated well… and then just relaxing half asleep and listening to him…

    and if it feels good smile and giggle

    and if it feels bad say it feels bad and hang up



    im letting the f* ckin men affect my self esteem

    i feel blaming

    i feel outta control






  121.  #121Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    im feeling awful and humiliated to not be pursued romantically, and even tho i really like you i dont want to talk to any more

    hangs up

  122.  #122Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    Daria: I don’t want to mess up your process but I’m enjoying the scripting you’re doing.

  123.  #123Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    i like that

    but what about letting him speak his piece?


    i dont want to hear it! i feel angyr!

    did i say i fele angry

  124.  #124Nikita on August 20, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    I stay on the phone 20 minutes after that I tend to feel drained.

  125.  #125Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    Shannon – please say something… please… ia m begging you

    i feel like im in really long labor

  126.  #126Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    Oh no Daria: I didn’t see you asking for help so I was trying to be respectful. Here’s some thoughts…

    The story I’m telling myself when I read these words is that this boy doesn’t like me because of this friendly phone talk. Could I choose to believe he likes me romantically and maybe I just don’t like talking to him on the phone?

    I feel confused too. Something about this feels controlling. Like things aren’t happening fast enough, and I want to know you like me. Ya know?

  127.  #127Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    ok.. dboy check this out… when we talk, i feel like we’re friends. i don’t want more friends. What do you think?

  128.  #128Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    i need a power speech

  129.  #129Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    But if I’m not controlling the outcome, I might feel okay with friends?

    I don’t feel good investing/spending so much time on the phone with a man who is only a friend.

    I’m just throwing ideas out to you to get you feeling unstuck. Take what you want; ignore the rest.

  130.  #130Mercedes on August 20, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Daria: I think… (I like dboy better too so I’ll steal that from SS)…

    “Hey..dboy…buddy…friend. It feels so good to hear your voice but I need to warn you. I only have like two minutes to give you. I have a date. Whatcha need?”


    “I hate to cut you off, but there’s romance knocking at my door. Call me another time…k?”

    Much Love,

  131.  #131Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    shannon that is pretty good . except i feel terrified because i know he wants to be friends.

    ok dboy. check this out. when we talk, i feel like were friends… and i dont want to be friends. and i think you do. so what do you think we should do?

    ooooh that is good

    thanks Shannon

    that is the truthe

  132.  #132Mercedes on August 20, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Oh…yeah…then leave for your date with the new hot guy you met for circular dating…


  133.  #133Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Lol – I did that Mercedes, he always acts jealous but he denies it. he started giving me a little bit of “attitude” when i was in Chico, and

    he doesnt like to hear about My guy friends…

  134.  #134Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:54 pm



  135.  #135Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    10 minutes into a call when the friendly thing is happening…

    dboy, I feel hungry. While I enjoy talking to you, I feel weird talking with you as a friend. I don’t want to pressure you but I don’t feel interested in more friends. So I’m going to go now and make a sandwich. Later tater.

    Your wording of course. 🙂

  136.  #136Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    hello dboy, i feel when we talk lilke we’re friends. and i dont want to be friends with someone im having sex with. i dont feel like you’re my friend… i dont have sex with other guys that are my friends… and i cant talk to you about other men… it feels weird.

  137.  #137Mercedes on August 20, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    EXACTLY…he’s not romancing you…he’s not even being a good friend.

    Maybe the jealousy is pretend…maybe real…doesn’t matter.

    I wish I lived closer. I’d buy you a drink tonight (or a soda..whatever..doesn’t matter…it would fun)…

    I have to go and probably won’t be back this weekend, but I’ll be thinking of you. You got this girl! You can tell him this. You’ve said it here. You don’t want to be friends. He does. You don’t want to have sex with your friends. He does.

    You’ll see him when what he wants lines up a little better with what YOU want.

    I’ll be thinking of you…

    Much Love,

  138.  #138Daria on August 20, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    ok.. dboy check this out… when we talk, i feel like we’re friends. i don’t want more friends. What do you think?

    i like the spirit and lightheartend ness of this

    it doesnt feel huge gaping blakc hole suck me down unsolvable

  139.  #139Daria on August 20, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    Thanks Mercedes

    it would feel cool to hear from you when what you want lines up a little more with what I want



  140.  #140Mercedes on August 20, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    Oh…I’m still here for a sec! LOVE IT!!

    It would feel cool to hear from you when what you want lines up a little more with what I want.

    I LOVE IT!! 🙂 YAY!

  141.  #141Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    Yeah Daria!

  142.  #142Daria on August 20, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    but am i saying goodbye? or am i waiting to hear what he thinks?

    this is after all, one in a series of interactions that have gone over for over 2 years…

  143.  #143Daria on August 20, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    lol i feel amused by myself

  144.  #144Daria on August 20, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    ok so do i hang up?


    or do i say… what od you think?/

    and wait for like a magic miracle

  145.  #145Daria on August 20, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    hanging up would feel better… but is that kinda putting him down?

    is that what i want?

  146.  #146Daria on August 20, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    cuz i am also angry

  147.  #147Daria on August 20, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    am i hanging up cuz im punishing him? cuz my intent was to leave?

    or do i stay at our shared fire and let him tell me what he thinks we should do



    i feel so scared of intimacy


    i feel terrified of what he thinks


  148.  #148Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    Daria, I hear you saying you feel angry about this relationship you’ve had for over two years.

  149.  #149Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    That you feel angry he’s not stepping up and claiming you.

    That you feel afraid of what he’ll say. What’s the story you’re telling yourself about this?

  150.  #150Daria on August 20, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    lol. shannon. yes. hehe. that is so funny to me. are you trying out a new way of listening?

    i feel heard though too

    and amused

    like now you are waiting for me to confirm before spouting out the wisdom of the universe


    ok so grr…

    i guess i could hang up but i have a tendancy to shut down and “hang up” emotionally

    i am feeling unclear here and i feel confused

    i just move away i just move away

    but i always move away

    dont i ?

    i fele confused


    i dont want to push men away

    i dont want to “be turned on” or “turn on men”

  151.  #151Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    And I feel pretty weird doing this listening technique but I’d like to practice if that’s okay. But if it sounds too weird or is tripping you up I’ll stop.

    And I know that’s me projecting my own discomfort about this listening technique. LOL! <– that would be my nervous giggle.

  152.  #152Daria on August 20, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    the story is, he doesnt want me, hes just usng me, im not strong and powerful enough for him and men like him, im not enough

    im not enough to captivate him

    im not doing it right

    im messing it up

    i dont know how to do it to get all men i want yet

    im not gonna get what i want

    i let people use me

    im shameful

    im weaksauce

    im undesirable

    other men arent gonna want me either!


    this is terrible

    omg he was great

    i WANT thatone

    i want him to be in love with me and come see me everyday

    and treat me like a queen

    i feel frustrated

    i dont know how to inspire men

  153.  #153Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    haha! We posted at the same time. Yep. This is Listening Shannon. You can now download your program upgrade.

  154.  #154Daria on August 20, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    ok whats crazy is… i was feeling VERY turned off by my number one CD. i thought i never wnated to see himagain.

    when he called me today after a week, i kinda blew him off, tho i told him i felt weird last time we kicked it.

    my girl scripted with me to tell him “i want to be honest with you… ifelt weird about xyz incident last week and im now feeling very resistant to you… what do you think?”

    and then he wrote back that of course he would not do anything bad to me regrading XYZ incident, and that he aslo thinks im overthinking and stop tripping . k.

    and i feel so much better and even open to maybe seeing him…

    SOOOOOO the same insta turnaroudn could be had here… I was MUCH MORE SURE i didnt want to see Cd number 1, and that turned around

  155.  #155Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    So now I hear you feeling unsure about the story your mind is telling you about this conversation you haven’t even had yet. Yes?

  156.  #156Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    And above I don’t hear the real Daria. I hear Daria’s nasty voices. They have not been provided the system upgrade.

  157.  #157Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    What’s the worse case with dboy? Don’t generalize to all men (that’s nasty voices). Just stick with dboy. Please.

  158.  #158Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    Ok, I’m stopping. I’m guiding your thoughts. Shit. I’m leading you where I want you to go. Where I think you need to go.

    This feels funny and degrading. Note to self: Shannon is not a therapist.

  159.  #159Daria on August 20, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    yes! i have a voice hating on me in my head.

    it said on the balcony

    no matter what you do, you aint gonna make any money.

    omg it felt so overcoming and like it was the sky

  160.  #160Daria on August 20, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    um… the worst case with dboy is…

    he says:

    Daria, ive been telling you I only like you as a friend. and you know that I had my baby mama, shes been there for me. so i dont know what you want

    — this is actually the worst case AND what i think will realistically happen —

  161.  #161Daria on August 20, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    the best case is he says …

    yes i know you want to be taken out… and now that im gonna get paid i will be able to. im getting a car asap. and im not planning on being with my babymama, me and her really dont get along like that tho she is the mother of my child, i dont see us being together in the future…

    i am going to get my own place and i would like to take you out …

  162.  #162Daria on August 20, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    i am now telling myself that that is a pretty weaksauce best case

    it SHOULD BE

    omg i really miss you and i want to please you all ways – but thats not how he talks, hes shy and mumbles about sex

    i feel angry

  163.  #163Daria on August 20, 2010 at 3:35 pm


    i guess i could add that

    i want to take you out

    and i miss you and i want to please you


    that would be a cool case for sure

  164.  #164Daria on August 20, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    i want him to fall in my “script”

    thats what i feel like im doing to men when i expect them to date

    none of them knwo what i want

    i feel lk eim controlling shit


    like what i expect in dating is this narrow rori strip and men arent used to it

  165.  #165dorothea on August 20, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    LI who wasn’t making plans when i was consistently overfunctioning, so i leaned waaaay back for a turn around Update:

    I told LI my fish tank filter died and i felt worried about my fish because the closest pet store was not very close at all, and I don’t have a car. So he borrowed his dad’s car and took me down there. Awww thanks!

    We have a date tonight (it only took three days of extreme turn around leaning back behavior to get him to ask me out haha) and he asked me in the car if I wanted to go to this special museum exhibit on Wednesday and I said I was busy with a class I’m now taking, and he was like tuesday?? And I was like tuesday feels bad. and he’s like THURSDAY??? hehe. Yeah, thursday feels pretty good.

    I bit my overfunctioning boy tongue. It felt so awkward and wrong, which is how I know I’m doing a good job at doing things differently. I was biting my tongue about how the exhibit is actually VERY expensive. None of my business, la la laaaaaa

    I feel good. I have a sexy outfit for my date tonight and I can’t wait to put it on and feel gorgeous. Imma go get cleaned up! be back soon

  166.  #166dorothea on August 20, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    Daria, the way I understand scripting to work is you tell him how you feel, he responds, and you see how you feel about it and go from there.

    If you feel bad about how he responds, you go with THAT instead of trying to pipecleaner twist yourself to conform to his sentiments. Called boundaries for a reason.

    If he says something you can engage/work with for a continuing conversation, great. if he shuts you down and says too bad daria, you take no for an answer and stick to your boundaries.

  167.  #167dorothea on August 20, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    i dunno why you would hang up on him except you’re freaked out and can’t handle rejection. i think this would be a sign that you need to get more in touch with your boundaries and what you deserve. if he doesn’t want to give you what feels good, then it’s not because you don’t deserve it, it just means you have to say NO to what you don’t want and don’t deserve to get what you DO want and DO deserve.

    Once you’re more in touch with that, you will actually feel curious about how he will respond, and not like slamming the phone down hehe.

  168.  #168Daria on August 20, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    ok… i want to be more curious…

    i want to be in touch with “that”

    what i do deserve

    i guess i dont believe i deserve it

    i am practicing anyway

    so ok i say it to him, then ask him what he thinks


  169.  #169Daria on August 20, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    i do feel freaked out and like i cant handle rejection

  170.  #170dorothea on August 20, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Hanging up is like an ultimatum.

    i’m great at ultimatums, which i personally think should be ultimata (spell check says no but dictionary says yes), but modern english usage does freaky inconsistent things with latin origin words.

  171.  #171Daria on August 20, 2010 at 4:24 pm


    why does this cloud of CONFUSION hang about me when dealing with him!!!

    its like im swimming in hormones!!

    i dont want to be lost at sea here

    i feel soo resentful


    look boy? do you want to date me or not. Dont call me unles you asking me out on a date. capish? love you bye

  172.  #172dorothea on August 20, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    hanging up is also a way of getting away from a toxic conversation or something that doesn’t feel good, but if you just say what you want and then hang up, without engaging him in two way conversation, it is a much more demanding feeling thing to me.

  173.  #173Daria on August 20, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    thats probably what ill end up squeaking out… what do you think?

  174.  #174Daria on August 20, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    i have no idea how to reword that right now. i feel relieved i even got that out. that seems closest to what i want but i suspect its also part of my pattern when relating to men i feel strongly about – which hasnt happend much in awhile, and i can be Very well lets just say dramatic past relationships for me

  175.  #175Daria on August 20, 2010 at 4:29 pm

    even tho this feels like bumbling blindly in the dark i will get this i am learning

  176.  #176Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    Is it okay to ask questions?

    So I feel curious. Are we just friends? What do you think?

    Yeah we’re friends.

    Well, I don’t want more friends. What do you think?

    Is that controlling or just finding out information?

  177.  #177Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 4:32 pm

    I’m learning too Daria. I’ve got a situation with Mr. Fab Kisser. I want something but I don’t know how to ask for it. Or rather I feel powerless in this situation because he has something I want from him.

  178.  #178Renee on August 20, 2010 at 5:02 pm

    Going out 3rd night in a row with cougar man for Mexican and margeritas — yum! Definitely not leaning forward or overfunctioning…maybe he just came into my life to help me re-teach myself how to act like a siren. I say “re-teach” because when I was younger, I used to do a lot of this stuff automatically until I had a bad relationship that really screwed me up romantically…it seems like ever since that relationship ended badly some 15 years ago, I’ve been repeating the same mistakes with men. This think with cougar man may be a mistake, but if it is, at least it’s a new one and I may learn something from it.

    Also trying to schedule a call with blondie and another date with Indy guy, though I’ve just about reached the conclusion that Indy guy just is never going to be Mr. “Step up”…I know he’s not dating anyone else, but he seems to be making excuses with work as to why he hasn’t seen me again while continuing to contact me. Meanwhile, the Spaniard is supposed to call me about some business in the the next day or two…I know he’s out this weekend with a woman he’s been seeing (but whom he supposedly has asked to majorly “step back” because she’s been acting so jealous), but I’m not worried…I have faith that the right guy is coming my way soon…I feel I’m getting much closer through learning how to use the tools, but especially the “lean back” tool.

    Daria — will be interested to hear how things go with dboy…reminds me of a situation I was in with Mr. Nashville…I finally told him to go away, but he still calls from time to time because he says we’re “friends”…yah, right. Friends are only friends if they really treat you like friends, not just because that’s a more socially acceptable word for fu** buddy.

  179.  #179Renee on August 20, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    When I say “trying to schedule”, I mean they’re trying to schedule with me, we’re just working on coordinating out schedules…not that I’m pushing to schedule with them.

  180.  #180dorothea on August 20, 2010 at 5:08 pm

    shannon i feel nearly morbid with curiosity – what do you want to ask him for?

  181.  #181Renee on August 20, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    I was going to ask Shannon the same think, Dorothea, but I didn’t want to seem like I was prying…I am definitely curious though…?

  182.  #182dorothea on August 20, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    I hope it’s for a golden limousine!

  183.  #183Simply Shannon on August 20, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    LOL! Golden limousine? Ok, now I feel curious. 🙂

    I don’t feel brave enough to write about it here. It’s not as innocuous as you might be imagining. But yes he has something I want.

    So anyway… 🙂

    I’m sitting here watching “Left At The Altar”. I’m being triggered by each story. Nearly all of them have said “when I met him, it was an instant connection”. My bullshit radar is going off big time. Yikes.

    I’ll take Trust Issues for $100 Alex. 🙂

  184.  #184Lucy on August 20, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    Lol, Shannon, I didn’t think for a minute that it was innocuous — which is precisely why I, too, feel very curious! hmmmm……

  185.  #185janjune on August 20, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    LUCY — #47

    Oh, yeh love those hairy male legs and thighs!!!

  186.  #186janjune on August 20, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    brenda #48

    why thank you my dear, the peanut butter cheesecake was delish….. 🙂


  187.  #187dorothea on August 20, 2010 at 10:35 pm

    I know what shannon wants from dude;)
    my imagination knows at least.

    if i subtly pick at the issue like this, will you cave and tell us what you want to ask him for? 😛

  188.  #188janjune on August 21, 2010 at 12:25 am

    does anybody know the answer to my feng shui question?

    i found something sorta similar online where you can have a money jar/pot/vase….

    it was funny because the pot she used in the video was shaped in the same shape as the pot that i am asking about…. but hers had a lid on it…

  189.  #189Simply Shannon on August 21, 2010 at 11:06 am

    Dorothea: I’m feeling a touch unheard but mostly amused. I would like to feel trusted. 😉

    This is a trigger for me to challenge my own “need to know” feelings, cuz I do this a lot myself.

    Thank you Dorothea! Love, Shannon

  190.  #190los angeles dui defense attorneys on September 8, 2010 at 11:25 am

    I think that online dating website can be potentially great if you have the time to spend on it. For me I personally think dating website are embarrassing and my friend sign me up for a month. I find the selection like most you said creepy or weird. I wouldn’t want to randomly show up to a park with a strange man. That’s asking for trouble! I stuck to meeting people through friends and not looking. When you’re not looking you will most likely find someone.


  191.  #191Tim on January 23, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    I came on OKCupid because I don’t have any time to socialize. There’s one girl on there that really caught my eye. We have like a 90%+ match and I’ve messaged her and she hasn’t even looked at my profile. 🙁 I’m depressed

  192.  #192Rori Raye on January 23, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    Tim – Getting depressed because a woman you’ve never met isn’t interested in responding to you is – in my view – at bottom of any and all problems you have finding women and love. You need skills. You need to learn to date. You need to get some experience. You need to get a handle on your emotions and start thinking like a man. Getting hung up on someone is preventable. You can’t possibly be hung up on anyone you’ve never even met – and even then I frown on it mightily. Go find David Cunningham online and read what he says and DO it – and get some coaching if you’re finding it difficult to stay even-keeled through this process. Love, Rori