How To Use Dating To Find Out Who He Is And What He’s Really Made Of…

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Dating is your ultimate opportunity to learn how to be soft, open, warm and truthful on the outside, and strong, fully Boundaried and secure on the inside.

Here’s a great question from “J” about how to do this – I love this question because If we can tweak the way J is going about talking to men, she’ll see a HUGE difference in her results in love. (J – I’m going to be very “tough love” here, so don’t read further if you don’t want to hear it):

“Hi Rori, I wanted your advice about setting up dates. So….a guy I like wants to get together this Sunday. He asked me last night what I wanted to do..I told him, ‘I’m sure you’ll think of something fantastic.’

“Then he texted me this morning saying, ‘I was thinking dinner at the Cheesecake Factory.’

“I have not gotten back to him yet. I’m disappointed that he wants to go to a restaurant chain. And I think I’d rather just go for a drink to keep it casual. But guys will ask me where I want to go….and I’d like to go to a BYOB, or somewhere more off the beaten path…classy…not some chain place.

“Or they’re not from this they really want my input. And I guess it is a bit’re the guy..I’d like you to take the lead. I guess with this Sunday date, I just accept the offer for dinner no matter where it is, regardless of where it is..if I want to go out with him.

“Another guy asked me out last week and he asked me if I liked this Mexcian place…I can’t just lie (since he directly asked me) so I said, “That place is okay, with a bit of dislike about it). He picked up on it and changed the location.

“I just think guys would get more bonus points with me if they thought of somewhere really great to go to…or even do. It’s not about the money …it’s just about the thought in arranging the date. You would think if you wanted to woo me, after talking to me…and knowing I am quite the foodie/wine person, you’d opt for something more down my alley.

“What do you think? Thanks, J”

And here’s my “tough love” answer:

J – oh my, so much here…

Your job is to speak in Feeling Messages.

His job is to ask you out, which he did.

Then – asking you where you want to go is a fine masculine thing to do. (You are very, very hard on men. They’re not all brilliantly creative about dating. It’s hard for them, too. Are you going to judge a man so quickly, simply on his “dating creativity” – and whether or not he gets “bonus ponts” with you before he even knows you well and you’ve truly opened up about all your desires and who you really are?)

Here are two options for your answer:

1. Simple “…whatever…” Feeling Message: “It would feel great to get to know you…wherever you think up would feel fine….” or

2. You can have a standard answer for every man: “It feels great to go walking by the lake…” or, “It feels incredible to sit by the fire at (such-and-such) place – it feels quiet enough there to talk….” or, “I feel in the mood for Italian…I have a favorite place if you’d like…”

In other words, J, what’s happening in your situation is that – he is essentially asking you how you Feel, but your instinct is to DIRECT him.

This is creating your frustration about the whole thing. You tell him “whatever” and then you feel disappointed. You are sabotaging yourself this way. It is totally unlovely, uncalled for, and wrong-headed.

Also – your “whatever” answer isn’t really a simple Feeling Message. You said “I’m sure you’ll think of something fantastic.” Doesn’t that sound more like a “headmistress”? Isn’t it sort of an “order”? Isn’t it even a bit sarcastic? And the word “Feel” is nowhere in it.

Once you’ve decided on #1 above (the simple Feeling Message “whatever”) – you have to be genuinely curious about what he’s going to think up – and game for the experience.

When he asked about the Mexican place, your answer: “That place is okay,” (with “a bit of dislike about it” in your voice) is hardly a Feeling Message. Always go back to basics…FEELING MESSAGES.

Not only that, your answer was not AUTHENTIC! You said one thing, but felt another. You said it was “okay,” but, really, it wasn’t.

If you meant to actually say “It’s NOT okay,” but chose the words: “It’s okay,” coupled with a tone in your voice (almost like a roll of your eyes) to convey that it’s not okay – is that authentic, feeling-oriented, straightforward, honest, open communication?

No, it’s not. And so the immediate feeling he gets from you, then, is that you can’t be trusted – that you’re a woman who says one thing but feels another.

Try this instead – it could look like:

“Oh, It would feel so much better to tell you I liked that place, and I don’t really.”

He’ll then either ask you “Why?” and you can say “It feels too noisy to talk,” or” I always feel like I can’t find something I really enjoy eating, there. I feel embarrassed a bit to be so direct – especially if you really like it…”

Or, he might ask you for a suggestion, and then you’ve got your standard answer – #2 above. Or he might come up with another idea, and if you really don’t like that one, you can laugh and say “Oh my, this being honest stuff is hard, I’m not crazy about that place either…would you like to know one of my favorites?”

Can you see how soft this is – and at the same time honest and direct? Try it. Write down some standard answers so you don’t have to feel uncomfortable next time.

Love, Rori

This is the basic, essential way to speak to a man – my have The Relationship You Want eBook walks you through exactly how to do this (there’s a page about it here on the blog) –  and all my programs build on how to do Feeling Messages in more and more challenging situations.

You have to start with the basics. It all has to start with Authenticity and Vulnerability.

Let me know right here how this “tweak” for J works for you.

More love, Rori

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  1.  #1Daria on September 23, 2008 at 11:33 pm

    Wow J I can So empathize!

    I go through this EXACT same thing ALL the time!… I thought suggesting places was “not feminine” either… I’m glad to see this post.

    I’ve been feeling super frustrated too… It feels so weird to just say “no I don’t like that…or that.. or that… (and I’m feeling really frustrated and annoyed that you are suggesting it)” LOL.

    Actually I do not say the parentheses part out of fear of hurting his feelings.

    Now that I think about it… sometimes I feel afraid to hurt a guy’s feelings and won’t express myself… for example I won’t say “I don’t feel physically attracted to you,” or I feel weird when he asks “Did you miss me?” And I haven’t…

    My second dating hang up is about being spontaneous. Until now, I loved being spontaneous, absolutely refused to make plans in advance. I know Rori says we should refuse dates unless they are in advance… and it would feel so much better to say yes when I get asked out for tonite, if I am free.

    Is this a total no no?

  2.  #2Daria on September 24, 2008 at 12:06 am

    I feel embarassed to ask so many questions… and I feel like there’s just so much I don’t understand about dating yet…

    I know a lot of guys who don’t leave voicemails… in fact I went back to my home country and voicemail is hardly ever used there… Should I let them know that I don’t like to return calls unless they leave a message? Or should I leave them hanging? (Also should I return texts that ask me something if I don’t see them until a few hours later?)

    Also what about guys that don’t have a car… I don’t want them coming over because I live with other people… And if I’m not supposed to meet them somewhere… how would this work?
    Should I cut them out of the picture because of no car? I don’t want to do this…(but will if otherwise is overfunctioning).

    AAAND… (yes I feel embarassed to monopolize and kind of excited hoping that I will maybe have an answer finally to this)… this is not so much of a tweak but…this is BIG for me:

    I’m not sure I want to get married yet… I want to have lots of wonderful men to date and feel like I can attract any man I’m attracted to… So… is this fear of intimacy? Or am I ok to want what I want?

    Thank you for any imput Rori and anyone else who gets “circular dating.”

  3.  #3Erika on September 24, 2008 at 8:46 am

    I don’t know if this helps, but for me “following my feelings” (which Rori teaches and has been awesome for me) means I don’t follow any rules about what a guy or girl “should do.”

    Now all I do is follow my feelings, clear negative ones with energy healing. And do my best to practice universal love and find something to appreciate about everyone I meet.

    Here’s the great irony … I went out with a guy last night who totally turns me on, and he said something no guy has ever said to me before. He said I am “like the Divine Feminine.” That he feels he can express his masculinity with me. That he loves how surrendered I am.

    And btw this is a guy who I did contact when I hadn’t heard from him — turns out he was just preoccupied with something else. No big deal. Haven’t we all been preoccupied once in a while?

    So somehow I got to the same result just by following feelings and ignoring the rules. 😉

  4.  #4Rori Raye on September 24, 2008 at 11:34 am

    Erika, you’re a “Rock Star!” If you’re a “free spirit, rock star woman” you can do anything.

    You were clearly not coming from desperation, neediness, clinginess, and even though you picked up the phone and called, when he came on the line – you were all “girl.”

    Very advanced use of Feminine Energy – Brava!

  5.  #5Daria on September 25, 2008 at 12:08 am

    Ok you guys, I was hoping to hear something like this. I AM getting the hang of this…

    although I have gone to desperation before…

    I do not want to fool myself that I am ok to call because I feel free… and in reality am “trying to make it happen.”

    I will try to not follow any rules and follow my feelings…

    I love helping people and a lot of times I want to help better the lives of people I meet, including guys (maybe especially guys). I know this is not feminine…

    I so want to help though even by holding positive visions…

    I have been holding back and I seem to have centered. I will try to ride it out if I have another down wave.

    I feel much less lonely right now although I don’t seem to be more surrounded by people than before. I used to hang out with a group of guys (tomboy) and didn’t feel lonely with them, but felt like I needed them (my friends). I have moved away from them mainly because one of them I was having an imaginary relationship with (not the other though).

    I hope I will continue to feel happy and not lonely. When I feel lonely I used to think that I should call someone, surely I shouldn’t “torture” myself by keeping myself lonely. That is kind of like desperation though I think.

    Erika thank you again for answering!! It feels so wonderful to have someone to talk about this with.

    I too try to use energy healing on my negative emotions. I really like Rori’s through the tunnel exercise, it sometimes works when other things don’t.

  6.  #6Rori Raye on September 25, 2008 at 1:36 pm

    Daria – you’re amazing – so perceptive about who you are and what you want. Not wanting to be married is totally cool – if you really feel that way! I think whatever makes the most fun for you, whatever feels good to you, whatever causes you the least stress, worry, and negative thought – that’s the path to follow.

    Stress in a relationship feels way different than FEAR. Expecially fear of intimacy.

    Fear of intimacy is when you feel yourself resisting speaking your feelings. You can feel it in your body. It feels like stress, like you’re trying to hold back the ocean.

    You’ll have to decide if a man not having a car is a dealbreaker for you. It certainly would for me – because then it would put so much resonsibility on MY shoulders to handle the logistics of dating.

    And I’d like you to reconsider this whole not wanting men to come to you because you live with other people. So what? If a man isn’t decent enough to meet the people you live with, sit in the living room and watch TV with you while your roomates or family walk through to the kitchen – then what would you want with him?

    If you want to accept dates at the last minute – you can do it. Remember – a “Rock Star Free Spirit Woman” can do ANYTHING.

    Rules are not because of the effect they have on a man, they’re because of the effect thay have on YOU.

    Rules are to help you establish Boundaries when you don’t believe you have any.

    If, however, your Boundaries feel good enough for you to trust them – and your goal is to have FUN, and you no longer get attached to men easily – then experiment!

    Keep a journal, and be honest with yourself and true to your dreams. Make sure everything you’re doing is in alignment with what you want – and you’ll do great.

    I love your comments, thank you so much for them, and it’s great to work with you in this way…Love, Rori