“I Just Want to Explain” – Explaining as a Form of Control

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margaretpaulI get a lot of newsletters, and I’ve made so many friends among therapists and coaches, and every once in a while I see something that complements my own work…and I loved this one by Dr. Margaret Paul. Explaining is something we ALL want to do – it’s a part of our need for closure (which you know I say to just forget about) – and here, Margaret shows the link between explaining and control…

What happens when you try to explain yourself to someone who is attacking and blaming? Does it EVER work? Discover how else to communicate.

“My husband never lets me explain anything to him. It’s so frustrating! He makes these statements that are blaming and attacking and then he won’t listen to me when I’m trying to explain.”

“Why do you want to explain?”

“I NEED to explain because he is not seeing things accurately. He is making assumptions that are not accurate.”

“So you want to explain to get him to see things differently than he does.”


“Isn’t this, then, a form of control? Aren’t you trying to get him to change how he sees things, or how he feels about you?”

“Well, yeah, but he doesn’t have all the information he needs.”

“So he is blaming you as his form of control, and you are explaining as your form of control – is that right?”

“Um….I don’t know. I never thought of explaining as a form of control.”

“Aren’t you trying to change his mind – change how he sees things?”

“Yes, I guess so. But is that wrong?”

“It is neither right or wrong. But is it working for you?”

“No! He won’t listen to me.”

“Do you think it is possible that he won’t listen to you because he doesn’t want to be controlled by you? He doesn’t want you trying to talk him out of how he sees things?”

“Yes. That is actually what he says. But I’m just trying to give him the facts, the truth.”

“The problem is that he does not want the facts. He is not asking you for the facts. When he is attacking and blaming, he just wants to control you. He is not interested in learning. And neither are you. You are just trying to get him to see the “facts” as you see them.”

“Oh, I see this now. But what should I do when he is attacking and blaming and not seeing me or seeing things accurately?”

“How does it feel in your heart when he attacks and blames? Take a moment to tune inside and see what your heart feels when he is so unloving to you.”

“Oh, I feel awful. I feel so angry and hurt.”

“Look under the anger and hurt feelings. What other feelings are you covering over with your anger and hurt? Tune into your heart. What do you feel in your heart?”

“……I feel sad. And helpless. I hate feeling helpless. And my heart hurts.”

“Yes, that is heartache. You feel heartache. And this is a very painful feeling, so you are covering it up with your anger. Right now, put your hands over your heart, breathing into your heart. Open to your Guidance, inviting in compassion for your heartache. Be very gentle, tender, and kind with yourself. Take a minute to do this…..Now what are you feeling?”

“I feel lighter.”

“Great. So here is what I suggest you practice. Instead of explaining and defending next time your husband attacks you and blames you, put your hand on your heart and say, ‘Your attacking energy is hurting my heart, so I’m going to go into the other room. I’d be happy to talk about it when you are ready to be open and caring.’ Then disengage and take a few minutes to bring compassion into your heart. Don’t discuss the issue until both of you are open to learning. Are you willing to try this?”

“Yes, I am. I can feel the sense of relief inside. Now that I see what you mean, I can see that explaining is never going to get me anywhere. But is there ever a time to explain?”

“Yes. When both of you are open, then you can explain things from your point of view, as well as try to understand things from his point of view. Both of you will learn new things and will likely be able to easily resolve the issue. But there is no point in explaining until both of you are open.”

Here’s a link to Margaret’s site: http://www.innerbonding.com and you can follow her “Inner Bonding” work there…

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Daria on January 6, 2010 at 11:46 am

    yay – i actually LIKE this guest lady.

    I liked her past article too.



    i feel embarassed saying ifeel heartache. hmmm

  2.  #2Daria on January 6, 2010 at 11:47 am

    i feel my heart aching awww

  3.  #3Daria on January 6, 2010 at 11:48 am

    in romanian this would go like “it hurts me in my heart” which could sound dramatic and jump off a family drama fest… hmmm

    how about… i feel that it pains me in my heart… or maybe

    that works

  4.  #4DocK on January 6, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Daria – “it hurts me in my heart” – me too.

    I asked my Mama how to say Happy New Year to you in Romanian but she said she didn’t know. She understands Romanian when she hears it, though.

    I used to know a song in Romania but I don’t know the spelling and would have to write it phonetically and that probably wouldn’t make much sense. My mom is 86 and learned it from her mom so it is a very old song – somehow the song ends with throwing someone in the bed and tickling him.

  5.  #5Daria on January 6, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    hey dock write it!

    romanian is phoenetic so i can figure it out

  6.  #6Daria on January 6, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Happy New Year: the classic La Multzi Ani (phonetic spelling — this is for birthdays, christmas, new years etc… means To Many Years) and An Nou Fericit! (meaning new year happy! hehe happy new year)

  7.  #7DocK on January 6, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    OK – I’ll just put the beginning…

    pizzi pizzi guya, um piture de vaya, cheena chella dot,

    ( and goes from there)

  8.  #8DocK on January 6, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    An Nou Fericit!! 2010

  9.  #9gina on January 6, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    I never thought of “explaining” as controlling. super interesting.

    have you ladies heard about the 52-week husband challenge lady? she set out to find a husband in a year. the year is up and she’s single, but I found her story really interesting:


  10.  #10Eve on January 6, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    Inner bonding together with Rori’s tools have worked wonders for me! I got rid of an alcohol problem I had almost instantly. Once I realized I was using alcohol in order to avoid my feelings and that by not being in touch with my feelings I was not growing, not healing and all this prevented me from becoming a Siren I simply stopped! As simple as that 🙂
    I feel so grateful to Rori, Margaret and my inner Guide.

  11.  #11DocK on January 6, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    Gina, thanks for sharing. It is interesting and I like her attitude as she ends this singular journey knowing that she learned so much and still has hope and many more journeys to come.

  12.  #12Nikita on January 6, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    thanks Gina 🙂

  13.  #13Honey on January 6, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    Hey! That’s right, explaining is a form of control and recently I’ve noticed when I’m out in the world practicing with men (not in a conflict situation but in general interaction with them), when I do or even try to explain myself it doesn’t feel good or right to me. I feel like I’m clenching and I feel unsure of myself because if I were sure I wouldn’t have the need to explain or try to change another’s perception because I know my truth. Explaining is a form of teaching which is masculine so I feel less feminine and attraction goes down. As soon as I stop the urge to explain, decrease my words and feel what I know inside, I feel attraction go up and then connection follows.

    I know this is hard when in the middle of an argument because it feels like being trampled on so one would instinctively want to set the record straight and proctect themselves but now I have learned that walking away is the better option. Thanks Rori! I feel so good to be apart of this.

  14.  #14Robin on January 6, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Alright ladies…off topic, but…here is the txt I wanna send. I wasnt feeling well this morning, so I havent sent it yet..need to hurry, he sent another txt asking if I got the first..

    Here’s my ‘speech’. Id love some input!

    “Yes, it felt so nice reading it, I needed that..This weekend would feel great..Im being honored at a ministers’appreciation get-together sat..it would feel good to go there with you..what do you think?…PS Im taking rsvp’s @ blessed966@gmail.com ;)”

  15.  #15Robin on January 6, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    ARRRGGG…I was typing it in my messages, and the F^#^&*@% phone sent the message..and I was only halfway through it.


  16.  #16Rachel on January 6, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Ohhh Robin! Nothing happens by accident… so trust that somehow this was supposed to happen! The Universe always has perfect timing!

  17.  #17tinque on January 6, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    I like “it hurts me in my heart” or “I feel pain in my heart” Daria.
    It feels real, sincere. Beautifully said.

  18.  #18Soignéè on January 6, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    I do not like this article. I feel helpless if I am not understood by other people. Maybe they see my intentions in another way, in the meanwhile I tried to put other intentions. And they do not give me the possibility to explain what were my intentions. I feel really helpless if my intentions were interpretated in a wrong way. It can hurt. I do not believe that it is an issue of control. It is an issue to tell my truth. We all want to explain, to tell our truth.
    If someone tells you the word, for example, “table”, 5 of different people will imagine different kind of table: one may imagine a wooden table, another a glass table, the third one may imagine a black one, the forth one would imagine a white one. So other people they can see my actions in the view THEY see it, but not the same way I saw it. In this case, I can explain them, what I meant doing this. And it is not a form of control, it is a way of TELLING MY TRUTH.
    i do not agree with this article.
    I do not want to learn what I have not to learn by other people. If I put my heart into something, but it was mis-understood, I am sorry, I want to tell my truth what I meant and felt. If they do not understand and if they DO NOT WANT to try to see my point of view, I am sorry, they do not want to listen to me, they are not ready to listen to MY TRUTH. It is not a way of controlling, it is the way of deffending my truth, of taking care of my truth.

  19.  #19Robin on January 6, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    Thank you Rachel!!!
    I actually feel amused about it now!

    “it would feel good to go there with you..what do you think?…PS Im taking rsvp’s @ blessed966@gmail.com

    Is that ok to send??

    Its the best I can come up w/

  20.  #20Robin on January 6, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    lol the phone had a meltdown..

  21.  #21Rachel on January 6, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Robin… yes, I would send the rest of it and just say…”oops! my phone sent before i was finished. here’s the other half of the message”

    What you have written feels good.. simple but inviting.

    Best wishes!!

  22.  #22Robin on January 6, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Thanks Rachel!!! Its sent, so it is what it is…

    Got 2 other interesting msgs..one from a guy who keeps asking me out at the last minute, so we never see each other..

    He finally asked me for lunch tomorrow this morning, so I said, sure…he told me to pick the place since he doesnt know the area where I work, Well, I said ok, somewhere close to my job, italian would feel great…he asked about olive garden, but there arent any colse to my job, I told him there are some good mom & pop places, he said…”Ok, then lead on”

    Lol, ooh it feels feminine to me..Im gonna pick the place, and see what happens.

    The other was from the camera guy, sent me a msg on fb if I wanted to do something on my day off. I told him it felt “good to hear from him, but that I was booked that day, and that it would feel good to do something and that I felt open to another day or an evening, and I asked him what he thought.

    He msgd me back this:
    Yea! Hoorah! Great! …would like to spend time with you to just be close to you and talk …or we can do a picture date! Loool! Gonna be cold want to stay in and watch movies?
    I am very liberal towards women so I like female input. Or we can go see Avatar or something? I like to cook and would love to cook for you! We can talk later. I think getting pictures of you dancing would be emotionally satisfying for me …emotionally and artistically fullfilling. It is kinda funny or puzzling at how satisfied I am with just your kiss! …??? …or even your presence!
    I’ll call you in the evening! Going to Ft Worth to the Stockyards Sunday, (gonna be very cold!) My FB friend Arthur is coming all the way from Denmark to visit a few Dallas locals. Ya wanna tag along?
    I appreciate you being comfortable and forward thinking enough to write the line above …I feel …priviledged! …so complimented!”

    Wow, that feels good mostly, I noticed he used feeling messages…is this to be expected when we’re in our feelings around him?
    I dont like the way he invited me to go with his friend, I dont like the word”tag along” It makes me feel like a 3rd wheel, and I dont want to see him in that manner…

  23.  #23mary on January 6, 2010 at 2:57 pm


    I feel…interested and a little bit fascinated to think of you taking care of your truth. And I feel pleased and encouraged that you explained your view.

    It seems to me that she’s referring to the kind of explaining that goes along with being defensive. Instead of defending, the person would keep the conversation open by listening and receiving instead of explaining.

    But if there is clarity at stake, and there is a need to pontificate for a while to be sure that a point is being understood, isn’t it another thing entirely? No one is being defensive then… there is just an explanation of what is meant when one refers to a table.

  24.  #24mary on January 6, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    And if there is defensiveness because of an understanding, couldn’t it just be laughed off?

    Ohhhhhhhhhh! hahahahaha… i thought you meant a red table with wings on it that looked like pegasus!

  25.  #25mary on January 6, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    I meant “defensiveness because of a MISunderstanding!”

  26.  #26Tina on January 6, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    There is differance between “I feel hurt” and “My heart hurts” I like “My heart hurts.” I felt my blood rushing, numb then my heart pounding then back and back we went “talking” blah blah blah, I blah blahed some more, my heart didnt have time to hurt because I was feeling anger and defensiveness, He explained, I explained, this is where I start to feel crazy, I cant talk to him, I did send him an email, I said “I feel helpless and sad I dont remember much after that, I did say something along the lines of my heart hurting. I have three email messages I havnt opened yet, I have no doubt he wrote back. My heart hurts 🙂

  27.  #27Tina on January 6, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    I feel like a drama queen, why did my heart hurt, it took a day to feel the hurt, after the anger and defensiveness and smashing things urge left me. He said he was only doing this because he “cared” about his friends friend but wanted to check with me first? I feel FURIOUS and I want to explain this not what a Goddess likes to hear. Now I want to smash things again, my heart must be hurting. I”m not feeling much like bonding at this time. I dont want to hear an explanation, I dont feel like explaining, I dont feel open, my heart hurts:) I feel special because my heart hurts:)

  28.  #28Robin on January 6, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    Hmm…Interesting…I got a msg back from my fav guy (who is quickly losing that status) just sent this back 2 me. Robin. I cant this weekend. I might be able 2 get out sun but not sat…Sorry… I thought he askd me when he could see me again. Fri & sun are still open. But i dont even want 2 txt him that. I just want 2 txt him “ok.. Ew-his txt didnt feel good

  29.  #29Lisa on January 6, 2010 at 4:24 pm


    I feel triggered when you use the word “pontificate” when replying to Soignéè. I do not think she is referring to pontificating, but rather, making her position known.

    I, too, am triggered by the post itself. Not that it is bad advice to walk away from haranguing behavior, but there is not just one way to do dialog.

    Steven Covey in his 7 Principles said, “Seek first to understand, then, be understood.” So compassion is usually a good stance. One can reflect back what one feels she heard (as in Harville Hendrix’s Imago therapy), and go from there.

    But all of this presupposes an interlocutor who is sincere, and maybe just a little perturbed. For some couples, however, haranguing and abuse is the primary modality. When that is the case, I do not know how successful we can be when we ask him to open his heart. While it can’t hurt, I think we need to understand both sides — both, how do we make ourselves known, and how does he receive us.

    For some men, seeing their partner as hurting can trigger a protective stance; for others, it is catnip to the cat.

  30.  #30Tina on January 6, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    I can see where, I would potentially “control’ things here or he can potentially control, during the “explaining” phase lol. My heart hurts, we explain each other to death (this could get nasty), he “conquered” my heart, he is a hunter after all. Now he wants a commitment, are you fcking kidding me? grrrrrrrrr now I feel anger again. So I let him know my heart is hurt or not? Well of course I do, I wouldnt be a Goddess if I didnt let him know my heart is hurt. Dont talk to me about commitment when my heart is hurting. I have serious trust issues, I have fear of intimacy too. I wouldnt be here if I didnt, throw in some jealousy well a lot.

    I had a dream last night about 18 month “boyfriend” his ex was walking by and my mother was talking to her as if she was her daughter, my mom was treating her with more love and kindness than she ever showed me, my heart hurt, I wanted to “destroy” her, because I could get the attention of my mother, the same attention she was showing to her. I doubted she would ever show that kind of attention to me but at least I could still “destroy” her (my ex’s ex) off the planet, why are we all caring about her, I would never do that to anyone, destroy them I mean because I care. I dont want to see her happy face all smiling and filled with joy because of the attention my mom is giving her grrr, hell I dont even get that from her. I just sent a email to my daughter *sigh.

  31.  #31Soignée on January 6, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    Thank you Mary for your phantasy with pegasus table and thank you for laughing at my point of view. I appreciate your creative phantasy.

    Dear Lisa, I think sometimes, when we do not give the possibility to another person to explain their truth, we want to be some kind of superior of this person.

    If I do not even want to listen the explanation of another person, in some way I PUNISH him/her having my position and not letting to express their truth. I am in some way a judge, I want to be superior, I want to punish this person for the behaviour she/he had.

    I was ill with a flu, a friend promised to call me the next day in the morning, and he called me only after 23.00. I was upset, I felt triggered,I felt furious. I did not want him to explain why he did not call in the morning. He wanted to explain but I did not listen. Afterthat he explained me that he went to his mother (far away) and his mobile battery was off the whole day, as soon as he came back he called me.

    So I did not need to be upset, triggered, feel left alone, furious. I had to listen to his explanation at once, but I did not, I felt bad about his behaviour.

    This is a small example. But I learned from it.

    And I have to be more compassionate towards other people letting them explain their point of view, explain their truth.

    As soon as I start to be compassionate towards other human beings listening to them at level 2, listening them explaining their truth, I will definitely be a better person.

    As much as I do not give other people the possibility of explaining, I close myself, I get stubborn with only my opinion, with my sadness, with my disappointment, with my wish to punish them by being with only my truth.

    Explaining is definitely not a form of control, it is definitely a form of expressing the own truth, the dignity of telling the good intentions or admitting some mistake.

    But not a control.

  32.  #32alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    gina thanks for the link. that woman seems so cute in her big adventures. i am going to look at it more. i saved it as a favorite. but i was having trouble finding the whole journey in her blog. when i try to it says the info is not there. 🙁 i will look more at it later.

  33.  #33Soignée on January 6, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    So, I know a guy, we like each other, we smile at each other, we start to go out. Everything seems so nice, and I am sure we will understand each forever in the best way, every single word, every single sentence etc..
    And after that he acts in a way I do not understand, I interprete his behaviour according my view, But I have to remember that he is not a woman, he had another family where he grow up, another mentality, he had another education etc. And if I do not listen to HIS EXPLANATIONS, I can close the relationship at once. More of this, If I do not listen to explanations, I will be alone the whole life because I won’t find the people who think in the very same way as I do.

    So I have to learn to listen to the explanations of other people.


  34.  #34Lisa on January 6, 2010 at 6:06 pm


    I agree that it can be PUNISHing to not let another express his/her truth. I guess the person who wrote this is trying to facilitate that closed person to open his ears and listen. But ideally, we would want to hear what another says, and our goal should not be coercion or enforcing our viewpoint.

    Good relationship allows the give and take. Obviously, it is futility if one is yelling her truth and another is shutting off. The psychologist Hendrix suggests the walls come up when our unmet childhood needs are not being healed in our primary relationship. If we are fortunate enough to have a primary relationship, the deal can be struck to hear and be heard — to have a little role-playing where the child is re-parented.

    If we are not in one, it seems we must do the repair work alone — identifying what went unmet, so we do not harp on another to be the mother or father who denied us (whatever). Usually in these blaming/explaining scenarios, that is what is happening.

    Someone needs to be the adult in the room, and I guess that is what the little speech about the heart being hurt and not coming back til the other person is open is all about. All too often, however, a “forget about it” is the outcome, and life goes on, with a standoff occurring on that issue.

  35.  #35alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    i feel happy because i feel i am getting better at circular dating. and last night a guy CALLED and LEFT A MESSAGE. 🙂 i feel appreciative!

    and i am getting better at just saying how i feel without feeling guilty. it’s like he’s the one who suggested “cuddling and watching dvds” as a First Date. i am not going to feel guilty saying – ‘i feel a little turned off.’

    because that is how i feel. about that. it’s not personal. 🙂 plus some other woman may enjoy doing that on a first date with a complete stranger they met online and haven’t even talked on the phone with. not i.

    this dvd guy was a different guy than the other manly man who called and left a message. although that’s probably obvious.

  36.  #36alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    “Your attacking energy is hurting my heart, so I’m going to go into the other room.”

    she is blaming him for her feelings with this statement.

    maybe an alternative might be

    “when i feel attacked my heart hurts. i am going to go into the other room until i feel we are both in a good place to resume this.”

    what do you think?

  37.  #37janjune on January 6, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    “All too often, however, a “forget about it” is the outcome, and life goes on, with a standoff occurring on that issue.”

    oh yeh…. which this “FORGET ABOUT IT” is the only acceptable outcome in a disagreement with a narcissistic personality, male or female…

    don’t ever work “through” anything… not allowed…

    just “shut up”.

    so we “shut” UP and we “shut” DOWN and we “shut” OUT and we die a little bit more inside each time we do it

  38.  #38janjune on January 6, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    i like your alternative statement alias girl.
    very non-attacking.

  39.  #39alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 7:15 pm

    “never aplogize, never explain” – Julia Child

    although i think this was in reference to her cooking and not her personal relationships. if in regards to one’s cooking, i agree. if in regards to personal relationships i am not so sure i agree. i would be annoyed with a person who never apologized.

    someone who just ran into me with their cart at the grocery store and then just looks at me blankly and keeps on going.

    as far as explaingin. it depends on the situation. i may want to hear it or i may not. if it’s just a bunch f excuses or if someone is trying to change my emotional state ot my mind or my opinion then i would probably feel annoyed or controlled like this article suggests.

    but if someone did something i did not understand why. but if they told me why and i understood then i may not feel as bad.

    ie. my Ex who did not call when he said he was going to come over.

    i told him i felt weird. he said he didn’t know why he did it. and that he was sorry. and that he is confused.

    and this felt honest to me. it wasn’t a great excuse like “oh my car got totalled and then towed away and i was in ER.” but it was honest and felt honest. and i was like, oh ok. i understand. because i do. it doesn’t make it acceptable behavior for me if i were in a long term relationship. but for that moment, i felt better and i felt like it was a moment of intimacy.

  40.  #40Tina on January 6, 2010 at 8:07 pm

    I received an email from “truckman” you , you , you, that is all I read, I still feel angry, I sent him back this “I feel sad, and helpless, my heart hurts thats all”

    He keeps leaving his number, like I am going to call, I feel offended, I feel anger, I feel disrespected all rolled up in a hurt heart.
    I have a new penpal, he is native american and is in prison for drug traffiking. So are we even now? he can help his officer friend with her pants situation and I can help my penpal , he writes poetry and I sent him my earliest childhood memory. I received a note from The Universe about me brightening peoples day:)

  41.  #41mary on January 6, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    i’m just wondering something.

    what if i did marry R?

    we were engaged for about six months, apart for a year and a half, and now we’ve been seeing each other for a few months.

    i’m kinda wondering what he was doing during that year and a half. do i have a right to know? i feel ashamed of being so curious. of course i’d have him take some tests, but, since we were engaged before… i just want to know where he’s been. i know! it’s his personal business… isn’t it? is ANY of it my business?

  42.  #42Tina on January 6, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    I related the story about the fish hawk I thought I dreamt about, well re occuring dream I had. I told him about the time I moved and sitting on the same beach, and the fishhawk was there in the sky flying, flapping its wings in still motion. I thought it was just a re occuring dream I was having, anyway great story.

  43.  #43Tina on January 6, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    I didnt tell “truckman”, which I am about to do. I’m ok with it, he is right, the healing lodge is a lodge for healing. I cant deny that.

  44.  #44Lisa on January 6, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    JanJune says,

    so we “shut” UP and we “shut” DOWN and we “shut” OUT and we die a little bit more inside each time we do it

    You understand what it is to be with a narcissist. For them, I do not exist as a separate being; I am extension of his arm. So for me to voice an opinion counter to his own is an outrage; a universal impossibility, actually.

    Hence the ubiquitous toss-off, “Whatever”. He would “tolerate” me at times while I eloquently explained my position, and would finish with an, “Are you done, yet?”

    (Oh, this reminds me of the grand put-down the previous lover had given him. Apparently toward the end of their time together, she would say after a sexual session, “Are you done yet?” He could not get past this, which he thought indicated tendencies toward prostitution. Now I can see it was, albeit petty, a way to chip at his ego.) For a very brief period, I wanted to do this, too.

    I am am now slogging through the low-energy of realizing I fought hard to stay those many years, and now I must fight hard to stay away.

    I am now faced with resuscitating my enthusiasm, which has been shut down out of necessity. I must allow myself to enjoy being touched again, and smiled at and hugged. I find i actually shrink from it, now. When I was with him, I imagined that i would cry if he were to reach out to me and say something kind or flattering.

    I had learned to steel myself, and to be vulnerable would unleash all of the powerful fury that I am now feeling.

  45.  #45janjune on January 6, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    oooh yeh its hard to get inside their heads…
    to understand: you mean you actually don’t care?
    you actually don’t feel a thing?
    very hard for an (overly) sensitive soul like me to get ahold of.
    but finally, the blank stare of “what more *is* there to consider than me, myself and i?”, well, it finally sinks in once and for all that other people’s feelings simply are not on their radar. that’s it. they just aren’t.

    i really feel so understanding of that type of not getting it as that is how i feel about this passive/aggressive thing i’m working on. i don’t get it yet. i’m working… working… to close the gap… a little bit at a time.
    baby steps.
    i feel progression.

    i’m kind of moving on past my love, i care for him, love him, if he was in dire need i would not turn him away, he wasn’t a monster — just magnificently self-absorbed… and i want a different kind of relationship than that. he can’t provide that.

    now i’m processing my anger towards other narcissists in my life – and there were plenty, because those are the people i chose to attach myself to for the protection factor they provided in my life.
    so there was my pay-off.

    now i am learning how to do that myself.

    but oh i’m so mad at this bitch of a friend i used to have.
    the back stabbing narcissist bitch.
    woohoo, come on *out* miss goddesssuperbitchdivawarriorwoman.

    i’ve been so aware of my anger toward that evil bitch – just mow you down and leave you laying face down in the road,… looking over her shoulder, shrugging bitch.

    oooh i’m feeling the heat of my anger burning in my chest and lungs, i feel tears and dark grey power churning around in my chest, i feel like a little bit of crying would like to take place but omg it’s over, i’m back in place, this is the fastest one of these i’ve had.

    i think this is soaking in.

    sorry lisa, didn’t mean to go into that right now. i’m probably not making a bit of sense.

    anyway, i’m l;etting those feelings about her swirl and am reaching out for them and touching them like rori says but don’t feel like all that anger at her is cleared yet.
    she was a close, close friend for years, what made me think she wouldn’t do *it* to me?

  46.  #46alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 9:56 pm

    i have two dates this weekend. i feel resistance and also a feeling of being suffocated. but also i feel good because it’s the new year and i already have two dates. i don’t think i went on two, actual, set-in-advance dates for the whole of last year. i usually just met men while i was already out and let them sort of continue hanging out with me until i wanted to go. i think i had one date last year. and A LOT of phone calls and emails from A LOT of different men.

    yae. baby steps.

  47.  #47alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 9:57 pm

    well i had dates with my ex last year but i don’t forsee many more of those in the future.

  48.  #48alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 10:06 pm

    well maybe just one date this weekend because this one guy seems he is going to try and set the whole thing up via email and i feel turned off.

    the guy i was talking to earlier wanted to revert back to non phone communication also. he said ‘ok well i’ll text you the info.’

    i said, ‘well i’m not great with texts. i often ignore them.’

    then he said, ‘well i could email it to you’

    i said, ‘what you don’t want to use the phone?’

    maybe i belong in a different era (1980 is it, nikita? leave a message…beep.)


    the dvd/cuddling guy got all in a huff. told me he was just asking if i liked dvds. oh ok. considering the whole thread of the convo… uh, no. i don’t think so.

    i just told him “i feel like i am on a different page here.”

    he wrote back that it was nice meeting me. i said likewise.

  49.  #49janjune on January 6, 2010 at 10:08 pm

    feeling all the heat of the anger.
    bringing miss superbitch out
    loving my anger
    loving my passionate fire burning blue flame white hot pokerredhot flaming orangey blazing fury.

    oh come on out!!!!

    you are welcome here
    in my life
    in my existence

    i will never leave you out again.
    i love my anger.

  50.  #50Lisa on January 6, 2010 at 10:19 pm


    I am sorry to hear you were so cruelly betrayed by a female friend. Though I have one “acquaintance” who is just so narcissistic she couldn’t help herself when it came to horning in inappropriately, at least I have her pegged, and she is married now, which reins her in a bit 🙂

    The narcissistic man in my case differed from yours, I feel, in that he was intentionally cruel; it was sport. He was not just self-involved, he was actively involved in betraying me and causing me all manner of pain. Infinite small recollections come to mind: Preparing a lovely curry dinner for him, and having him say it looked like “baby shit” before disgustedly getting up to leave. These dinner insults became routine, until I stopped preparing dinner.

    It became so cruel that I could offer nothing, not even a cup of tea. He would intentionally ignore me, or say, “Do I EVER accept a cup of tea?” So, no kindnesses could be exchanged. The few times per month we would have sex, I actually began envisioning it as some kind of Alien encounter, where his organ would intromit into my body, with the littlest amount of bodily contact possible.

    Quite awful, really, and I would often cry afterwards, silently. Once I asked him if he even enjoyed having sex with me. This is the stuff I have to reckon with, as I cannot even imagine that I put with it. Yet it only ended a month ago!

    Every time I saw this person there were covert and overt put-downs. At first I dismissed them, as my ego was healthy and I thought them ridiculous (as they were.) What I didn’t plan on was the corrosive, long-term effect.

    I began buying into the behavior, becoming complicit with the passive-aggression, as it was the only way in which I was allowed to interact. In many ways, I became like this person (though not narcissitic). I was, however, the perfect provider of narcissistic supply.

    Except … part of me bucked at sucking up to such an inferior person. And I always knew his cruelty rendered him weak, even though I was the one who cried. I knew anyone who got their jollies that way was a failure.

    So knowing that I have said, “Done”, allows me a measure of strength, enough to build on. At least I was not totally deluded about the situation at this point. Early on, I was blindsided. Now, I am just inured.

    I am working on shedding my shell — soft on the outside, tough on the inside, as Rori says.

  51.  #51Robin on January 6, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    Lol…Im talking to a guy I met today

    He says hes in town from atlanta, he wants me to have a drink with him in the lobby of his hotel before he leaves sat. That would mean drving to him, I told him I generally dont drive to men. He told me I need to make an exception for him since his situation is different, that I shouldn’t treat him like all the others

    (“treat them all equally”!!!)

    …and now we’re debating about CD…

    He says ‘so you dont wanna be a gf? How can you get married w/o being a gf first? So then whats the dif between being a gf and dating? How can you be single if you’re a gf, hows that possible?”

    Him:”How come you want to be single and not have a bf?” I told him Im single til I have a ring on my finger…it almost hit the fan…

    Him: “Theres a big dif between dating and having a gf/bf…how do figure you’re single if you have a bf?”

    Then he asked me ‘how do you have sex then? You dont have sex with every guy you’re seeing, you could be dating several, but the person, you’re having sex with, thats you gf/bf.”

    Him: “If you’re dating you don’t have sex w/ a girl and you dont cook for them. If you’re a girl’s bf then you cook for her and have sex w/ her.”

    Lol..well then I guess I made the right choice to not sleep with any of them until I have what I want.

    I then mentioned something about my core need, so he asks me:

    Him: “So what are your needs?”
    ooh…that felt nice to be asked..but I also felt a little scared;I was put on the spot, so I started scrambling, but wound up saying the important things

    “I need attention, just like every other girl, I need attention, and w.o it I feel turned off, just like every other girl. I need a integrity, it feels really important to me that a guy follows through and does what he says he’s gonna do, I need a guy who can make eye contact and look me in the eyes, and I need a guy whose energy is coming at me b/c he wants to be with me, & not b/c he wants something from me…”

    That last one caught his attention. he repeated it back to me, and as I said yes, I realized its one of the more important ones.
    He asked me for examples of what guys would want. I said”sex is one example, but there are others..”

    He said sex is the first thing a guy thinks about when they first see a woman, like it or not

    Him: “I will admit w/every man the initial thing is sex, I dont givadamn what anybody says cause if you didn’t look like you did, I wouldnt have asked for your #.. 100% true”

    He’s telling me initially, men all think about sex when they see a woman they’re attracted to…and that women decide in the first 5 seconds if they’re gonna have sex with the guy.

    Isnt that what got us stuck in the first place??? Relying on initial attraction to govern our actions, rather than our feelings, and failing to let the chemistry develop as he meets our needs??

    this feels interesting as hell…

  52.  #52alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 10:31 pm

    “What I didn’t plan on was the corrosive, long-term effect.

    I began buying into the behavior, becoming complicit with the passive-aggression..”

    for me, the use of feeling messages helped me with this. keeping myself clear about what i am perceiving in my reality. expressing myself, learning boundaries.

    feeling messages also walked me out of my own passive aggression (which still rears sometime when i am highly triggered).

    but i am triggered far less. and i am attracted and feel more comfortable with different kinds of people than i used to be.

    the shift in my outer world happened when i shifted my inner world. and my inner world shifted with the use of feeling messages.

  53.  #53alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 10:34 pm

    that was really interesting robin. i feel appreciative that you shared it.

  54.  #54Rori Raye on January 6, 2010 at 10:35 pm

    Oooo, Eve, Thank you for your great story. Love, Rori

  55.  #55Nikita on January 6, 2010 at 10:35 pm


    that was fun 😉

    yeah, they think about sex, and we think about security. So?………. neither one gets “instant gratification”. Even though they try 😉

  56.  #56Robin on January 6, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    What I really came here to comment on was how weird it felt getting that txt from T (my former fav)..

    I got a little perscpective and said ok, I usually give him 2-3 days to choose from, I only mentioned 1 day this time..

    this is what I sent him “ok…another night would feel great…Im free sun, next tue, and next fri…any of those would feel good..”

    Any I havent heard 1 word back….its starting to feel like he asks, then backs out, and then we just never reschedule, he just never gets back to me, it just never comes back up in conversation, he’ll see me at church be warm and friendly, but then he doesnt mention rescheduling, and/or doesnt make an effort to set a date with me for the week

    thats what its starting to feel like happens…

    And this isnt gonna work for me…

    I guess I’l have to see, but it feels like he’s just barely keeping me in his life….

    Any suggestions on how to handle this making plans, backing out, and never rescheduling thing? Anybody else experienced this??

  57.  #57alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    eve, that is a pretty great thing! thanks for sharing. i feel jumpy-happy to read that.

  58.  #58alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 10:44 pm

    haha nikita so true. both parties trying to get instant satisfaction. haha i never looked at it like that before. ah, i feel more compassion now. thank you. people just trying to get their needs and desires met. and some of these needs/desires being wired into our biology.

  59.  #59alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    robin, circular dating.

    as a chronic chooser of withholding (CONTROLLING) men, i would highly recommend circular dating as rori suggests so we can learn how to receive.

  60.  #60alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 10:50 pm

    my ex was constantly withholding. if i had been leaning forward, i could easily make him my boyfriend, heck probably my husband.

    but well, first, i don’t want a husband. and second i don’t want a whiny. girley, withholding (controlling) man as a partner. ew.

    i want a man that expresses his desire to be in the relationship with me via his words and actions.

    neither of which i received from this man that i bring up every other comment and still think about and is still on my dang horse. hehe. i feel amused. i also feel confident i am on my happy ever after and it has nothing to do with whether a whiny girly man withholds his ugly stale crumb bits from me.

  61.  #61alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 10:54 pm

    m e r r y c h r i s t m a s !

    hahahaaaaaaa. ok. thank you. mmmmm i love the taste of stale. oh wait i couldn’t even taste it because it was so tiny of a crumb.

    i feel amused at my obvious bitterness and desire for this man.

  62.  #62dorothea on January 6, 2010 at 10:58 pm

    Robin, that is a great question about if other people experienced that and I feel so drawn in to see if anyone else here has had that experience.

    I was just feeling so blank and clueless about what to do with guys that barely keep me in their lives.

    I have no idea though. So the best thing I have been able to do until I get a clue about that one is circular date. it would still feel amazing and magical to feel more powerful when it feels like a man is barely keeping me in his life, but circular dating is something i can actually “do” to feel less powerless.

    so i guess when this sort of thing happens with guys, lately, i am leaning way back. Sometimes I even block them on IM or just not answer their texts. Right now I am trying new extreme leaning back with guys that barely show up in different ways.

    My biggest complaint lately is that some never call (i do make it clear that i feel much better to get a call), but they’ll text me all day long and IM me online. So I stopped replying to texts. Then they IM me to get a hold of me…oops, block, i don’t feel like being available for chatting either. Yes, this might be a little extreme and perhaps one or two of them will think I am avoiding them, but if he doesn’t have the brains or balls to pick up the phone and call me, to at least actually get in touch with me the way I have clearly said is the best way to get in touch with me, before writing me off, i will feel a lot lighter to not have him in the circle anymore.

  63.  #63Rori Raye on January 6, 2010 at 10:59 pm

    How about – “I feel bad…I feel attacked…my heart hurts, and I’m going into the other room until I feel better.” Trying encompass “both” of you is…yes, controlling…”

  64.  #64janjune on January 6, 2010 at 11:00 pm

    yes, different but i never lived with my man and i think that’s what saved me from what you describe. i actually feel in my heart that had i lived with him, i would have seen more of what you experienced.

    i’ve been on sam vatkin’s (?) website too and it really helped me understand what was going on.

    one month is not very long!
    are you getting some Tools here with rori to move with you in, into and through the healing process?

    also, do you sense any of the old lisa starting to resurface yet?

  65.  #65Rori Raye on January 6, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    I just think that most of the time – alright – sometimes there are misunderstandings that need to be cleared up and talked through – but most of the time, we women spend a lot of energy trying to explain things to men. It’s just that explaining is in our heads, it’s mental activity. In our hearts – it just goes…”ouch….I feel so weird, like I said something and it didn’t come out the way I meant, or it didn’t get heard the way I meant… I feel like I want to explain….” Love, Rori

  66.  #66alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 11:05 pm

    rori that is interesting for me because i have always wondered this

    if someone is with me and i feel attacked by them
    and i say “i feel attacked”

    it’s not blaming?

    as i am obviously feeling attacked by this person i am having a conversation with

    it’s not sort of around the bush blaming?

    i feel unsure.

    although if someone said “i feel attacked” to me i would think they are meaning by me.

  67.  #67alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 11:08 pm

    dorothea circular dating squeezes out the ones not stepping up.

    it’s like there are only so many places under my castle window and the ones just “leaning back” up against the wall are going to get squeezed out because other guys are showing up with gifts and phone calls and planned dates and attention and listening and ROMANCE

  68.  #68alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 11:13 pm

    some of the men end up calling when i ignore their texts. some of them don’t. one keeps calling but not leaving a message. so i guess he is willing to keep trying back until he gets me. that is ok with me.

    to me, i desire a man with stick-with-itnes. who doesn’t just give up easily. a man with courage (to me phoning takes more courage than texting and emailing).

    so if a man is willing to call. i am almost immediately interested and willing to give me a bigger chance than some texting frenzy guy.

    although if someone blocked me on IM or on a dating site i would interpret that as them being somehow offended by me or clearly interested in future contact.

    however if that person had already made it clear they preferred phone contact. hmmm that’s unclear to me how i would feel or interpret.

    i just started telling men i ignore texts and “missed calls”
    which is true so i am being authentic and yet not controlling. they can text if they like but don’t be surprised if i don’t text back.

  69.  #69alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 11:15 pm

    clearly NOT interested in future contact is what i meant to say about the being blocked.

  70.  #70janjune on January 6, 2010 at 11:16 pm

    also lisa,

    different things you said about your man, i’ve wondered if he was also inclined toward being a sociopath, and now with reading what you wrote tonight that sounds like he was ACTIVELY messing with you -trying to hurt you and tear you down, like you said for sport, rather than simply being oblivious that anyone else counts.

    i mean being self centered is one thing but being cruel is another.

    and yes, this friend, well, just nothing matters but her when you get right down to it.

    i see now that it was my choices, i had my reasons, i forgive myself, i will forgive her and let the matter rest as soon as i process and clear this angerhurtembarrassmentfurybetrayal feeling.
    right now i’d like to kick her in the ass! lol!!
    no! lol!! not really! but we also live in the same general area, we used to work together and we also went to high school together, know many of the same people… but i just haven’t seen her since this happened which has been almost a year and a half.
    i know i will see her eventually though.

    so, yes it hurts but like i say, what ever made me think she wouldn’t eventually do it to me? i just don’t know the answer. maybe i just *hoped*she wouldn’t.

  71.  #71mary on January 6, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    “there are only so many places under my castle window and the ones just “leaning back” up against the wall are going to get squeezed out because other guys are showing up with gifts and phone calls and planned dates and attention and listening and ROMANCE.”

    thanks, AG.

    i just made a date for Sunday with hiker guy!

    (the first date of my new circular rotation…)

  72.  #72Robin on January 6, 2010 at 11:23 pm

    “If he doesn’t have the brains or balls to pick up the phone and call me…”

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE that!!!!!!

    Yes, CD…Im doing that, Im just feeling annoyed by this guy, who was so over the moon for me, it seemed, now seems to be avoiding me…

    And as I CD, and more and more men show up, and no they’re not the same quality as this guy used to be…but Im doing it anyway.

    And my mom HATES it…she told me today that I dont have to date losers simply b/c T isnt acting the way I want….

    she also told me something along the lines that I shouldnt be angry (b/c I felt PISSED when he told me he couldnt see me this weekend, I was like why the f%$* NOT??) with him b/c Im dating a bunch of losers in addition to him…

    And that she wishes I weren’t dating so many men…

    Eve, I second rori and AG, I feel inspired by your story…this translates to ANY addiction.

  73.  #73dorothea on January 6, 2010 at 11:25 pm

    i just figure if i block them on IM it just looks like i’m not online. I feel grateful for this feature.

    blocking them is sort of like forcing myself to lean back, too.

  74.  #74alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 11:30 pm

    yae mary for date with hiking guy!

    oh dorothea i don’t do IM so i didn’t realize it just looks as if you are offline to them. yes, then i say good choice. because if a man is really interested in a woman he will move a building. and Definitely pick up a phone. EVEN if he wasn’t 100% sure the woman was interested in him. sometimes even if he IS 100% percent sure the woman is NOT interested in him.

    a man going after what he wants is a powerful and resourceful force of nature. he will call.

    in my opinion. otherwise it probably wasn’t that important to him. or he’s trained himself to be girly.

  75.  #75dorothea on January 6, 2010 at 11:44 pm

    thanks for your input AG. this makes me wonder about this idea i’ve been accepting that if a man is really interested in us that he’d move mountains even if he isn’t sure we want him. what about the guys who really are just too shy to ever do this with women they just meet. I feel confused, wish I hadn’t thought of this side of the coin, bahhhh

  76.  #76alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    it’s an individual thing, dorothea.

    i don’t want a guy who is too shy to step up.

    but other women could find and build a happy ever after with that man. that’s why following our feelings takes us to OUR own happy ever after.

    how do YOU feel about what ever you are uncertain of in your mind. when i drop from my mind into my feelings things become more clear for me. decisions become easier.

  77.  #77Daria on January 7, 2010 at 12:14 am

    im here breathing

  78.  #78janjune on January 7, 2010 at 12:45 am

    i love this about anger:
    “Yes, that is heartache. You feel heartache. And this is a very painful feeling, so you are covering it up with your anger. Right now, put your hands over your heart, breathing into your heart. Open to your Guidance, inviting in compassion for your heartache. Be very gentle, tender, and kind with yourself. Take a minute to do this…..Now what are you feeling?”

    i’ve been working with this tonight.
    “inviting in compassion for your heartache” is good but it feels incomplete to me.

    i need a Tool.

  79.  #79Daria on January 7, 2010 at 12:50 am

    Janjune – try rubbing your hand in a clockwise motion, over your heart, while relaxing, and telling your heart you love it. continue for a few to 15 minute .try to feel what it feels like. your heart might warm, you might cry.

  80.  #80Daria on January 7, 2010 at 12:53 am

    i tried it before, i did cry i felt very comforted. but now i feel impatient thinking of it. tho i may do it.

    i feel excited i was able to “be with my dad’s pain/feelings” while he was telling me everything that hes upset about (regarding me)

    yes i was stony cold, but i didnt feel stabbed or needing to explain. i was able to listen, and i felt excited about that

    i felt a lil hopeless about how we could all feel happy

    but mostly i feel excited that i was able to listen without getting triggered to spinnyhead glaciar muscles pass out consciousness land

  81.  #81janjune on January 7, 2010 at 12:54 am

    also, i feel like the author is speaking of what i call “arguing”, not *explaining*.

    to me explaining is just sharing – in order to build a bridge to the other person and arguing is about not listening, trying to *make* someone see things your way and being preoccupied with controlling the other person’s brain space.

  82.  #82janjune on January 7, 2010 at 1:03 am

    🙂 getting triggered to spinnyhead glaciar muscles pass out consciousness land


    darkgreytoronadointhechest sweatyheadpopping can’tbreathhollowtubethroat vibratylegsandarmedness!

  83.  #83janjune on January 7, 2010 at 1:06 am

    thanks i’m going to try that Tool.

    also, are your four main feelings
    glad sad mad scared? i couldn’t remember the last one to share with lisa. mart said it’s *scared*.

  84.  #84Daria on January 7, 2010 at 1:12 am


    Sad, mad, glad, afraid

    yup. Mary said shame, but for me shame feels like a kind of sad with afraid

  85.  #85janjune on January 7, 2010 at 1:26 am

    yes, shame is just lumped in with sad for me.

  86.  #86janjune on January 7, 2010 at 1:28 am

    LISA —


  87.  #87janjune on January 7, 2010 at 1:37 am

    i did the rubbing your heart/i love you heart Tool.
    felt very good. going to do it again when i lay down to go to sleep.
    my heart energy started radiating way out, felt very warming. i didn’t cry but i’m not really feeling sad tonight, working more with intense anger.

    this Tool feels more grounded than only inviting compassion in.

    thank you.

  88.  #88Sasha J on January 7, 2010 at 2:23 am

    Hi everyone, happy new year 🙂

    i love this article because i feel the urge to defend my ‘rightness’ all the time…i feel like if i don’t make my point, i will feel misunderstood and silly and plain misunderstood and misrepresented….

    and i am learning to express that….i had a conversation with a guy the other night and it felt pretty powerful…it was about how i did not want a boyfriend and felt pressed to commit and did not feel comfortable with it…he then went on talking and start getting frustrated and saying things that i would have automatically snapped back at in the past…lol

    and all i did was keep quiet…and say….this doesn’t feel good, i feel like i am supposed to say things i don’t want to say, and i can hear you are frustrated and i don’t want to go there. and i remembered to breathe and listen at level2…phew!!!!

    very interesting…with this guy i feel heard and understood…it feels refreshing!

    anyhow ladies i would like to share an author with you….i picked up his book last night (i have a habit of buying books and then finally reading them ages later…. :P)

    it is called Dear Lover by David Deida…..and it is beautiful…last night felt good to read it i felt moved and i am bringing this up here because i feel like i am learning about everything Rori is teaching us from a man’s view….this book is written from a man to us women, and alot of things…actually everything that Rori has taught feels so familiar in this book…I felt like i had both points of view at once….and i felt safe and alot of love reading it….and i wanted to share it….

    i’m not very good at describing and reviewing things…so i would like to quote some lines from the book…this is on choosing the right man…

    “A deep man of integrity takes your heart into his heart as he navigates, fine-tuning his actions while feeling your heart’s response, always valuing your feedback. But his navigation is not relinquished or weakened by your feedback or anyone’s.”

    “He offers you his deepest gift by persistently taking you beyond your heart’s boundaries into love’s fullest surrender and expression….,…Embracing your heart and feeling your exquisite responses, he corrects his errors as he goes without collapsing, his strength of navigation and respect of your feeling-wisdom taking you both open in ever-deepening love and fullness.”…


    from reading the book, and of course from practising Rori’s tools, it really feels great to be a woman , even though sometimes i just feel bloated and want to be sulky lol 🙂

    hhmm i am off to eat chocolates that the above-mentioned man has given me….ain’t he a keeper! 😛

  89.  #89Tina on January 7, 2010 at 2:37 am

    I asked him what he thinks I meant by “sexual intimacy and emotionally involved/attached, his response is, He said, “how the hell do I know” I thought he knewwhat I meant, I did tell him, he isnt paying attention, I said we had sex, yes and he said he likes it, I said ok this is the emotional part, my feelings of jealousy. I said I felt (and still do) hopelessly jealous when I heard that about the other woman (with problems.) He started to talk about “her” again, I said ‘my heart hurts when I hear that” He said, “I dont want to hurt your heart” He was looking for options to deal with her situation, I said I feel guilty and controlling, dont involve me with your options, he said it’s not his problem and he will let the mutual friend handle it.

    This was a two hour “explaining session” with him going crazy mad, raised voice, bully voice grrr, I pretty much stuck to my feelings. I dropped the bomb about my new penpal, he was not happy, as to be expected, he groaned, I could feel his energy coming off the phone, dang he was pissed but for the most part he was calm and asked me why I did that, I told him I dunno, it was a reaction, irrational, spiteful but I have a new penpal. To make things worse my “karaoke friend” popped in while I was on the phone with truckman. He said he was running in to town and would I like a coffee, I said yes , thank you, he asked how I liked my coffee (this was totally unexpected) my fridge broke down and my other male neighbor(texas hold me teacher” came to help me take it outside, its old and it had a weird noxious smell. I wanted it out. “Truckman” is still on the phone, He did hang up at one point and called me right back, I thought my phone died. I asked him if his phone died, he grunted. He was breathing pretty heavy by this time. The convo ended on a more positive note, with him wanting to come see me tomorrow night.

  90.  #90Daria on January 7, 2010 at 2:43 am

    Im goin in for the kill

    im doin it for a thrill

    im hoping u understand

    and dont let go of my hand


    Being in love is holding hands while falling in starlight flying an tumbling like to birth

    Well if you can sing and dance send us a tape

    and we’ll throw it in the garbage for you

    cuz you cant sing or dance Dummy


    feelt fooled

    im enjoyin the confidence of my “in charge” experiment

    i told my neighbor im coming over and did so

    then i left for a sec but never came back (im a “player” type doens’t call type “man” apparently, but its mostly insecurity i think and/or boredom)

    then now i texted another man that i want to hang out. he said no. i did not feel horrible. i did feel a slight tummy crashing feeling. so i said something

    i said

    Dang 4 real? i feel bad like. i didnt mean tonite. did you mean its bad in general?

    he saidL

    im asleep get at me tomorrow


    it feels fun and im learnign a lot. mostly that i get bored and feel feminine doing this Knowing that i am selecting to be in charge. rather than actually feeling pulled to be . also, it feels easy to switch to feelings. and i left my friends house, and wanted to do somethin else, which is cool in that i didnt tfeel the need to stay forever. and he actually hit me back much later asking am i coming back (oops hehe= i felt amused)

    besides that im feeling feminine and my non in chargers are starting to step up, and its feelig more comfortable for me to expect a man to come take me out. a man was supposed to today, but he didnt call, but i took myself out to the movies.

    also a former student froma highschool i worked at when i was 19 contacted me. he said hes been looking for me and was going to contact me when he was grown. hes 22 now. he looks different and pretty handsome, and was way pursuing me. but he has no car and has been texting me and im tired of texting now.

    im feeling great using my love motto to love my life and what im doing in it
    like now

  91.  #91Tina on January 7, 2010 at 2:46 am

    I love that tool Janjun, I have to tell you I had an anxiety attack when I allowed my compassion for myself in, I called 911 lol, wasnt funny at the time, but a cute EMT rescued me 🙂 and my doctor said I have a broken heart and prescribed dumping my “boyfriend’ and getting a new one, he made me laugh, and said in the mean time try this for now atavan. Something hit me like a freight train, an awareness I guess in one of Rori’s emails. something about compassion and loving myself. I cant remember it exactly.

  92.  #92Tina on January 7, 2010 at 2:47 am

    Daria, that is a beautiful poem!

  93.  #93Daria on January 7, 2010 at 2:48 am

    i rocked at bellydance today ( i went )

    i Get the Goddess thing. how it makes me look like a goddess. how i feel like one. i GET it. (except for the spins – i want to feel and vision the sexiness of this, rather than the show. so my q is HOW IS A SPIN SEXY AND GODDESSY? — any images, ideas, body movements ???

    so yes i Get a deeper Goddess feel to the moves. and also i find how lovely and fluid it is to nOT HURT MY BODY instead of pushing to my max, i move to where it feels good only, not a stretch but a lengthenig, felt very different and good

    i am actually not hurting myself too. wow. i really am feminine now which rocks. i am so feminine me me me

    who wouldve thought



    i did it

  94.  #94Tina on January 7, 2010 at 2:52 am

    Oh awesome, the belly moves are great, you look like a belly dancer Daria!

  95.  #95Daria on January 7, 2010 at 2:55 am

    Thanks tina. the first four lines are a song that sounds very strange and like star falling.

    i felt very triggered by it before but this time i followed my feelings and realized i was feeling triggered that

    to me the song was about going in for the kill ie a man what else, doing it for the thrill, duh and going in for the kill meant the big thing, like going in all the way, basically meaning jumping feet first into marriage and baby and forever, so i realizd she said dont let go of my hand…

    so yeah, to me the song is about actually committing as a woman, how it feels to me like going in for the kill, doing it for a thrill, cuz its such a huge CHANGE from being single for me, it means i would actually take the risk to marry a man, meaning forever and ever, and take the risk that he wont start freaking out like one an a half year later and do crazy stuff like easy to do things like cheat or scare me or lie etc

    that is a BIG thrill, a big kill,

    it feels odd describing this, i see almost no logical connection between the song and marriage but it is CLEAR to me that this is what its about, about forever love

    like you can just leave it as is but going in for the KILL means the real deal, to finish it all, and what is that that is the forever love kind

    maybe the song tone which sounds very star haunting like is

    maybe it is hehee

    i feel triggered by the song

  96.  #96Daria on January 7, 2010 at 2:57 am

    Tina yes. thank you. i am really good. i feel slight squeezy eyed saying that. i know im good cuz i can FEEL stuff and even when i take huge breaks i come back dancing better than before because i do it naturally now in my way of being

  97.  #97Daria on January 7, 2010 at 3:00 am

    hehe just like a goddess to want her hand held while shes Killing the old heart of a man hehe… to birth anew the new one phoenix

  98.  #98Daria on January 7, 2010 at 3:00 am

    its both of them! grrr! i feel frustrated expressing the song triggers!!!

  99.  #99Tina on January 7, 2010 at 3:02 am

    Daria, enjoy your class, I know basic belly dancing , thats all, I learned a few years ago, dancing with veils is nice too. I stand in front of the mirror and do belly rolls lol, thats pretty much all I do now.

  100.  #100Daria on January 7, 2010 at 3:07 am

    Goin in for the kill triggers me so much cuz it sounds like leaning forward major like, like stalking with a spear and getting ready to plunge with it in the lions heart

    then doing it for the thrill makes me feel excited relating cuz its for the thrill of the man, of that thrill

    basically by going in for the thrill shes also going all out and abandoning holding back. so in a sense shes surrendering as well. surrendering to falling thru the galaxy

    and shes hoping that as she does this killing surrender hes gonna understand ie not get freaked out and run or bail and be able to be there

    and not let go of my hand and support her as she does this scary thing to them both ie kill his heart and surrender herself in the process

    something like that

    and they both are flying thru the starts and then pow. they grab hands and now its 2 of us hurtlin thru the universe, tumbling sometimes like fetuses and everything goes by at light speed galaxies of galaxies but we are holding hands

    dong let go of mine

    i felt like my best friend let go of mine

    and i cried and cried. at a song in the car, and at the movie today. i cried im finally feeling the broken heart parts for healing

  101.  #101Daria on January 7, 2010 at 3:09 am

    Tina – bellyrolls are great pretty much one of the coolest moves. i am not sure i can do a full isolated bellyroll without messing up rite now. i can tho.

    for me the body stretching (fascia tissue ) etc and energy awareness have soaked in so now dancing feels like moving energy and its like a whole world in there

  102.  #102Tina on January 7, 2010 at 3:19 am

    “and not let go of my hand and support her as she does this scary thing to them both ie kill his heart and surrender herself in the process”

    She teaches him how to love her, it’s forever and ever after all. Warriorgoddessmedicinewoman

  103.  #103Tina on January 7, 2010 at 3:26 am

    Daria, I was just getting the hang of , kneeling on the floor and bending my back and touching the back of my head to the floor. visualizing a candle just under the arch of my back , helped my from crashing to the floor 🙂

  104.  #104Tina on January 7, 2010 at 3:29 am

    I understand, tina, that you must wonder, sometimes to the point of bewilderment, at what you’re truly capable of doing. Yet, therein lies the “problem,” because living the life of your dreams is far more about what I’m capable of doing.

    Surrender –
    The Universe

  105.  #105Tracy on January 7, 2010 at 3:39 am

    I feel glad that i am learning to let go of trying to control men and their way of thinking.I can just be me and feel good about myself no matter what….
    I find it interesting though that 2 men i’ve met have been asking me to help them sort their financial problems.One of them infact seems to feel that i need to help him because he is an fix.This is such a big trigger for me and i feel so uncormfortable around these two guyz….
    I am just wondering what the message is….I feel tired of trying to run away from every situation that comes my way…
    I want to embrace and be open to everything that happens around me and it doesn’t feel good controlling situations…
    My parents struggled to raise me and my siblings and each time i feel this sort of dependancy from anyone i just shut down inside and i feel resentful towards the person and to myself for not being in a position to help as well as to the world for creating the situation in the first place….I guess that’s why i have these men in my life right now….
    I feel helpless in such situations and i don’t know how to react…I feel angry that it keeps happenning all the time.I would feel much safer if the men in my life could take care of their finances in the right way….Men that can’t make me feel unsafe…they trigger my past experiences when growing up and i feel scared being around them…i feel ashamed as well but mainly ashamed of myself…I feel less than…
    And now i feel that deep down i have been lookin for a man to make me feel more than…interesting..

  106.  #106Tina on January 7, 2010 at 3:53 am

    He says , he likes spending time with me because “we” dont argue, but at the same time he says at some point tonight, he is walking on eggshells. I’m just remembering this as it comes up. ok so he likes sex – go figure, he says he loves me, eh! we dont argue, ok, he says I am a “tough nut to crack” I hope this is a compliment. I hope this doesnt mean Im strong on the outside and soft of the inside. then I am going about this all wrong. I’ll ask him what he means by this.

  107.  #107Flipper on January 7, 2010 at 6:59 am

    Robin, I remember how you felt about not wanting to suggest a restaurant to the one guy, so I felt surprised to see you giving a series of alternative ‘availabilities’ to ex-fav despite your ew feelings. I know you were just answering ex-fav’s original question ‘factually’, but it felt like accommodating to me. This is my own instant-overfunctioning ‘trap’ so I felt dismayed, and I hope you won’t feel bad about something that’s past – I’m writing to work out my own solutions for when this happens to me, and maybe you’ll find something for yourself.

    To a refusal to my invitation, I want to be the Rockstar who says ‘Ok. Too bad’ and Nothing more. Or more like my own Siren self, when he said ‘maybe Sun’, I’d want to come back with ‘Maybe doesn’t feel too inviting. I’m pretty busy myself, so I’d feel better when you have something definite to propose.’ I will no longer allow my man to ‘pick and choose’, or just completely ignore, what my vulnerable self has put before him to share (eventually) – what’s more, in response to His request!. I think that we women just naturally keep in mind what’s been said (respect and trust their ‘word’), but men tend to forget the ‘details’ (the actual ‘words’) (oh he asked Me about that? Sorry, that was 2 texts ago, he no longer feels the connection with my answer now.)

    Hugs – have a great concert, and good times with the stepper-uppers and dithyrambic-guy. As you lean back, ex-fav won’t be getting any more of your words, of course, but he’ll feel your proud and fun vibes.

  108.  #108Flipper on January 7, 2010 at 7:08 am

    “Well, I’m not a nut, so cracking just isn’t the way into me. ”

    Tina, you crack me up – I don’t want to see truckman taking over.

  109.  #109DocK on January 7, 2010 at 7:12 am

    Sasha J – I received the Dear Lover book for Christmas (put it on my list after I heard Tinque mention it). I really enjoyed it. I felt luscious and yeah baby reading it.

  110.  #110tinque on January 7, 2010 at 9:01 am

    Yes Sasha and Miss DocK, Dear Lover is my hands down, all time favorite book about male/female dynamics. The language is too flowery for some, but I love, love it.
    I feel so happy you both enjoyed it.

  111.  #111DocK on January 7, 2010 at 9:41 am

    Tinque – thanks for recommending it! XO

    I don’t know what to say about this post and explaining and controlling. I think everyone has kind of covered it since I can often be very “on the one hand, on the other hand” too much (meaning I see both sides) but for some reason I feel ornery reading it – and I’m not ornery that often : ( (I hope!)

  112.  #112Tracy on January 7, 2010 at 9:57 am

    I feel grateful for the books recommended on this blog and those posted by Rori…thanks so much everyone..i am learning a lot!hugs.

  113.  #113Lola on January 7, 2010 at 10:34 am

    Hi everyone

    I wasn’t drawn to this post at first because I LOVE to explain! Hence the emails I used to write as my man tends to walk off leaving me feeling misunderstood. But actually I think I just say to much. Full stop! Less is definitely more.

    I have been feeling very focused on myself recently by the way, ever since I wrote the New Year letter thing. I have been planning a course and thinking through my finances. Hardly seen N since the walk off. He asked could he come over last night and I said yes but we didn’t have any sexual contact (down to me) but he held my hand all night which felt nice.
    He picked me up from work because the snow is so bad here, I had a nasty voice in my head at one point telling me I’ll lose him to another woman if I don’t show more enthusiasm! But it passed.
    I feel more like the old me, and the best thing right now is that he isn’t in my head all the time.
    That’s a lot better than how I was over Christmas : )

  114.  #114janjune on January 7, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    i did the rubbing my heart/saying i love you heart Tool again right before going to sleep last night.
    i felt love and appreciation and admiration for my heart because i could feel the bigness of it and the pureness of the warmth coming out of it and i felt understanding of how that translates in real time into an eagerness to skip over the wrong things people do to me so we can get on to the “getting along” phase.
    i felt acceptance of it being part of me even though it creates pain in my life.
    leaving my heart intact feels right.
    learning a new way to deal with the people who would damage it feels protective.

  115.  #115janjune on January 7, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    then i woke up this morning with the same Tool right there in my mind.
    so before getting up, i did the Tool again.

    it occurred (mentally, i did not *feel* anything) to me this morning that i might also go ahead and extend this eagerness to forgive to me.
    it’s just as easy to forgive myself as anybody else.

    i felt good to realize that i have not been damaged in my heart. my heart is still very much its own as it has always been,… it’s still that.

    My heart is my own.

    I will not try to give my heart to anyone.

    it’s mine it doesn’t belong to them.

    it belongs with me.

    i have the job of protecting it. and i will.
    I WILL.
    I *WILL*.

    I feel owning of my heart, loving of it and I own my vow to it:
    be protective of it.


  116.  #116janjune on January 7, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    i feel very, very good with myself about both being furiously angry
    tenderly forgiving.

    not only that but after yesterday, the expression of either and both is not scaring me.

    i feel comfortable with both.

    thank you rori!!!!

  117.  #117janjune on January 7, 2010 at 1:03 pm


    i would be interested to know how you resolved the anxiety about using the rub your heart tool if you felt like sharing that.

    mainly, did it finally go away?

  118.  #118janjune on January 7, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    i may *share* my heart with someone though, if they feelsafe, provesafe, knowhowto*be*safe in their relationship with other human beings.

    okay, back to work………….:)

  119.  #119Daria on January 7, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Jan June

    i feel excited about your liking the Rubbing Heart tool. I feel delighted with calling it that: the Rub Your Heart tool, or the Rubbing Heart tool.


    today I was practicing a mantra for healing tha ti have on my blog and I CAN FEEL it working. it starts a vibration like a cat’s pur in my abdomen, and feels warming. i luv!!!

  120.  #120Tina on January 7, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Flipper 🙂

  121.  #121Tina on January 7, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    I sent my daughter a message “your the best” she sent me back an email ” I learned from the best”

  122.  #122Lisa on January 7, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Thank you Daria and JanJune four the 4 basic feelings. that resonates with me.


    Thank goodness I never lived with him, though for the first several years I would spends days at a time at his place. He invited me to move in several times, but I was hesitant, and explained that I am slow going in.

    (My fault is that I am slow but inexorable. Once on the path of commitment, I am like a horse with his head stuck in a fence, and don’t know how to back out.)

    Yes, I am finding Rori’s tools invaluable at this time. That, and the support here has been more valuable than I can express. Some of the old Lisa is returning — some sharpness and humor, ’round the edges. A little optimism …

    J. defintely was more at sociopath, cruel, and took pleasure from it. No remorse, only disparagement.

    I am a pretty unfrazzled, balanced person, generally, and it takes a lot to ruffle my feathers. (That may be something to work on — to raise my degree of difficulty.) So when I finally, with the help of a counselor, i.d.’d the behavior as not simply gamesmanship but “abuse”, I was able to step aside and view it for what it was. The madness all made sense. It was a seamless package of madness, and it followed the Cycle of Violence seem in physically abusive relationships.

    It was something I could never impact, because his vicious machine worked full throttle, with or without my participation. I realize that simply by being there, I was complicit. I was a mouse for the cat.

    Re. either your female friend or J., the old advice holds: Tiger’s do not change their stripes.

  123.  #123Lisa on January 7, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    A great poem of hope:

    The Journey, by Mary Oliver

    One day you finally knew
    what you had to do, and began,
    though the voices around you
    kept shouting
    their bad advice–
    though the whole house
    began to tremble
    and you felt the old tug
    at your ankles.
    “Mend my life!”
    each voice cried.
    But you didn’t stop.
    You knew what you had to do,
    though the wind pried
    with its stiff fingers
    at the very foundations,
    though their melancholy
    was terrible.
    It was already late
    enough, and a wild night,
    and the road full of fallen
    branches and stones.
    But little by little,
    as you left their voices behind,
    the stars began to burn
    through the sheets of clouds,
    and there was a new voice
    which you slowly
    recognized as your own,
    that kept you company
    as you strode deeper and deeper
    into the world,
    determined to do
    the only thing you could do–
    determined to save
    the only life you could save.

  124.  #124tinque on January 7, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    beautiful Lisa. thank you.

  125.  #125Robin on January 7, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    Sorry!! Posted in the wrong spot!
    Found this intersting article on Yahoo’s page: Definitly some things I dont agree with. Here it is:

    “There are are many circumstances that create the perfect storm for a deep committed relationship. In addition to compatibility you need good timing, luck, and both parties must be willing to commit.

    There’s no secret formula for getting someone to commit– I’ll try to figure that out in another blog. But if your’e hoping to have more “relationships” instead of “casual dating” in 2010, here are some pointers to get you where you want to go:
    1. Communicate More

    You might be heading into a serious relationship without even knowing it. It’s tough to know it if you don’t talk about it, or say how you feel. Of course, this kind of conversation should be strategic and well-timed. But if you both continue dating without acknowledging verbally that things are getting deeper and more intense, you’re just treading water. Make sure you both are on the same page; this is a key component to taking the next step from dating to relationship.
    2. Don’t Take The Best One For Granted

    We all know that good boyfriends/girlfriends are not a dime a dozen. But that doesn’t stop us from taking a good one for granted sometimes, or wondering if there is someone else out there. Remember how hard it is to find someone special, and you’ll feel lucky every day. If you take someone for granted, they might turn into the one that got away.
    3. Step Up Your Efffort

    Committed relationships are not easy. There’s an element of a natural fit, but all relationships require work. The main reason I’m so bad at committing is because I’m lazy. No room for laziness if you’re going to be in a serious relationship. You have to be ready for things to get more intense, and accept the responsibility of a serious relationship.

    4. Stop Seeing Other People

    There are many reaons for seeing other people: keeping your options open, protetcting yourself from getting in too deep, etc. But if you’re going to be in a committed relationship, you obviously can’t see other people. Time to break off any other little side projects.

    5. Don’t Second Guess Yourself

    It’s easy to doubt your feelings every now and then, but you have to limit the second guessing so it doesn’t limit your relationship. Sure, it’s tough to know if you really like someone, but a lot of times it’s all in your head and you talk yourself in to and out of things instead of just going with your gut.

    6. Remember You Deserve It

    I run into the problem that, because of my Italian-Catholic guilt, my crisis thinking, and my over-analysis of everything, I don’t deserve it when good things happen to me. Or, I figure that once something good happens, then a bunch of bad things have to happen to offset the good thing. Chances are, you’re not as insane as I am, so remember you do deserve a great relationship.

    7. Take A Risk

    When when you decide to be in a serious relationship, it feels like you’re taking a leap off a cliff (and maybe you are). Every relationship involves an element of risk, and have to go for it once you decide to do it.

    8. See It As A Beginning, Not An Ending

    Men look at that “plunge” as the end of single life, the end of freedom and the last gasp of immaturity. But we should learn to see a commitment as a beginning instead of an ending. It’s the beginning of a new life, and more meaningful relationship with a person you care deeply for.

    9. Recognize The Signs

    Make sure you acknowledge when something feels different in a good way. I tend to gloss over good things, or miss signals. Don’t ignore it, go with it.

    10. Grow Up

    If you get into a serious relationship, it’s time to stop one night stands, stop getting wasted so much, and stop going everywhere in groups with your friends. Priorities and time budgeting certainly change once you’re in a relationship.

    Do you agree or disagree with my list above? What adjustments and strategies do you think are useful to go from a “dater” to more of a “relationship” person?”

    Umm…how about a ring on that finger?

  126.  #126Robin on January 7, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    Flipper, thank you for reading and respoding!

    I have heard nothing from him, and its funy how I got a mgs from him earlier that morning asking if I receivced his story…and Im left wondering if I had responded with “fri or sat would feel good..” if his response would have been different.

    It almost feels like he’s running..

    Anyway, Im not sure what to say the next time I see him, if I want to say “I dont know When you can see me gain, Im feeling bad..”

    It hit me last night, my mom loves him so much, and she’s making excuses for him…but I just cant do it too, b/c its compromising my happiness and my vibe.

    I dont want to be a cactus either when he does come back around…but at the same time I dont want to tolerate any bad treatment…

  127.  #127Robin on January 7, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Scratch that, I just got this msg ‘Lets do Tuesday!’

    Hmm…but I was invitd to a bday party for a friend 20 min earlier…

    So I may be already booked fo Tue, I havent decided yet…

    And Im cathing so much hell from family and friends..

  128.  #128Robin on January 7, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    Meant to say Im catching such hell from family and friends about CD.

  129.  #129Tina on January 7, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    “Truckman” sent me a poem through email lol. He’s bad.

  130.  #130dorothea on January 7, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    muahahah i feel delighted
    i am a magical rock star.

    Last night I was commenting on how some guys were barely keeping me in my life and how my repeated messages about wanting to be called and not texted or IMd were not being heard because they kept just texting and IMing me. So I leaned back away from their silly trvial texting and I blocked these men to appear offline because they would try IMing me instead like “did you get my text?”

    not even two whole days of appearing offline and I just got the FIRST call from one of the guys in months. I let it go to voicemail because my girl friend was talking to me to about a translation she worked on. His message said he wanted to watch a movie with me tonight, and if not to at least call him later because he wants me to go to this jazz club (that i really love and he knows it) with him.

    I love leaning back, I love leaning back. cha cha cha, hey hey hey. I feel so relieved and joyful that I actually understand what it FEELS like to lean back now. The light bulb is on. A-HA! I let go of the outcome and just stayed away from what was making me feel stressed out and bad. I didn’t block them to make them do something, I blocked them because the text-only format of communication felt MADDENINGNIGNIGNIGNIGN.

    it just so happens that being true to my feelings more than trying to “get what i want to happen” actually cause me to “get what i want to happen.” oh i love it!

  131.  #131dorothea on January 7, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    i was making myself way too available online and through text, wondering why they didn’t call me if i prefered it. well, it’s because i WAS available for it.

    attention SirenMart shoppers, Dorothea is no longer available for this shit.

  132.  #132Sasha J on January 7, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    Go Dorothea, know your worth!!!

    you are the top most coverted auction item…lol….of course you’re more than an item

    Tinque, Dock,

    i agree!!! sometimes i feel open for it, sometimes i don’t…it almost feels like….it matches how open i am feeling at that moment….what a wonderful book….i feel safe and it makes the world feel more full of love, y’know?

  133.  #133Sasha J on January 7, 2010 at 6:45 pm


  134.  #134alias girl on January 7, 2010 at 7:23 pm

    dorothea 🙂

  135.  #135janjune on January 7, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    i have o/d’d on rori Tools.

    i feel hormonal.
    it’s too cold out.
    i feel grumpy and cranky.
    this goddess is going to bed.

  136.  #136Lisa on January 7, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    Sweet dreams, JanJune.

  137.  #137Jennifer on January 8, 2010 at 10:14 am

    Hello goddesses.
    My computer at home is giving me the blue screen of death. It won’t even read the reinstall disk for the operating system.
    All the technology around me seems to be going haywire today. Wheel chairs, computers, clocks. etc.
    I wonder if it’s in direct relation to the turmoil I feel?
    I feel terrible.
    I feel so sad.
    Jesus. Isn’t this part supposed to be over by now? I guess maybe 6 years doesn’t clear up in a month or two.
    I feel sad that we spent most of that time punishing each other.
    I felt and sometimes do still do feel the need to punish.
    Did he feel as afraid as I did?
    Underneath anger is fear.
    I feel afraid of the future with him. I feel afraid of the future without him.
    I feel afraid to work it out. I feel afraid not to.
    I feel sad to think he’s not going home to see his family for his birthday today.
    He says that’s my fault.
    I feel alot of anxiety.
    I feel bored to be still posting about the same shitty feelings.
    I want to be posting about fantastic dates.
    I feel panicky every time I log onto PoF. There are messages for me but I haven’t responded to them at all. They make me feel panicky.
    I was talking to a teacher at the school where I work. He and I get along very well, he’s an excellent teacher.
    I noticed that when I walked away from him my shoulders were hunched into my chest. I was trying to feel smaller.
    He is married. There is no “risk” that he could ask me out. He is always pleasant and friendly.
    Why did I feel the need to do that?
    I felt nervous in my chest until I was out the door.
    Did I always feel this way? Am I just noticing?

  138.  #138alias girl on January 8, 2010 at 11:11 am

    my good news:

    i feel shyly happy that i am getting better at the five second looking thing. i flirted at the gym yesterday. three times i looked at this guy who kept looking at me. ha i feel shy just writing that. but yae! he did not jump off his machine and chase me out the door but maybe i will see him again.

    and date guy said he picked this place for us to go “because it got the best reviews”. how sweet is that? I feel smiley and appreciative. 🙂

    and other possible date guy is trying to set things up via email and i just am not feeling it. so i guess i should somehow express that i feel uncomfortable meeting someone i have not even spoken with.

    but i feel pretty good about this dating thing. it feels like it has become a balanced portion of my life.

    actually a lot of my life is balancing out and that feels pretty good. i am looking now for a place where i am accepted and appreciated so i can contribute in a creative way and it is cooperative

    and also i am excited about making friends

    thank you.

  139.  #139dorothea on January 8, 2010 at 11:30 am

    holy f*ck it’s raining men in my life….i feel amazed and a sense of wonderment. hehehe i feel like magic.

  140.  #140dorothea on January 8, 2010 at 11:36 am

    woah holy cow another one! that’s 5 guys in 24 hours trying to get my attention. holla! 3 of them are new and 2 of them are guys i used to know.

  141.  #141Linda on January 8, 2010 at 11:48 am

    I like this post, it is yet another angle on expressing myself by way of feelings. I can tell you that it not my first nature to do this. The strongest drive in me is logic but under all that is feelings I have not given voice to. I am putting great effort into learning to communicate using more feeling messages. I dont know if I would choose to state things the way that is suggested in the post but giving voice to how I am feeling is very very right and liberating to me.

    I had a heart conversation with S last night. Ireally struggled with keeping it filled with feeling messages and

  142.  #142janjune on January 8, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    thanks lisa,
    i had a very, very good night’s sleep. zzzzzzzz… 🙂

    switching to my boy hat:
    i thought of something i wanted to share with you about i feel messages.
    i couldn’t do them at first, so i started with “I don’t want” messages.
    then i still couldn’t do them, and still can’t sometimes, so i write what i want to say, then go back and substitute the words “feel, felt, etc.,” for words like “am, has, have been”.
    then because it often still doesn’t feel right because i’m not used to feeling, i take each sentence that was changed and just sit and “BE” present with it.
    for instance:
    i am so grateful for this program.
    would of course be changed to
    I *feel* so grateful for this program.
    and then i just sit there and be present with allowing the *feeling* of gratefulness that i was actually expressing in the first version come into my heart and body and of course mind and consciousness too…

    but there is something about this program of rori’s that has to do with our bodies that i just don’t fully understand yet

    well, just some thoughts if they help…

  143.  #143janjune on January 8, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    go alias girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  144.  #144janjune on January 8, 2010 at 12:48 pm


    raining men on dorothea!

  145.  #145dorothea on January 8, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    MAKE THAT 6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    What is happening? Is there a reason or something different that so many men are suddenly contacting me to see me?

    What has been different with me lately..hmmm…lots of leaning back…not worrying about it if men lose touch with me. I dunno.

    Now I feel overwhelmed and terrified to go out with these guys. I feel boring and lame as date material.

  146.  #146dorothea on January 8, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    BTW, these guys are all asking me out for tonight or tomorrow. I have plans for tomorrow but tonight no plans to go out. I really just feel like being at home in my new apartment and doing the dishes and ironing my hair. I have had a long and stressful week after coming into a big promotion at the 1st of the year. That counts as plans too, right?

  147.  #147Flipper on January 8, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    Yay Dorothea,

    If you’re up for it, how about “Maybe I could go for a quick coffee after work but that’s about all I’m free/up for right now. What do you think?” Unless you have a boundary about last-minute/same day invites; in that case, feeling-message back about that. Personally, I love last-min, but I sense it often comes off as desperate or no-challenge when I’m not in rockstar mode… At any rate, I’d avoid offering any specific alternatives when you have to decline for previous engagements.

  148.  #148Lisa on January 8, 2010 at 1:41 pm


    Your feelings of achieving balance and cooperation sound wholesome and happy.


    Thank you for your suggestions. As I write, I see I can say what I think or see, but can’t say “I feel”. So I will try converting my thoughts into feelings. That will be good practice. As A,G, said, she simply began saying “I feel” every occasion she could.

    I realize that I have moved into depersonalization mode [despite all the “I’s” you see here 😉 ], because that felt safer. If “”one” feels something, then it is not “I”. The man, J., would continually criticize me for my use of “I” statements. I have now read that if a person is lying, he is less likely to use the First person “I”, and more likely to depersonalize. So now I understand that.

    It is not an error to say “I”, it is mandatory. It is only I who feels what I feel, and it is my responsibility to myself and others to make it known.

    I understand why Rori might say to be less demanding with others in terms of what “I want”, in favor of what I don’t want. That is creating a boundary, and allowing a larger space in which to discover what might be acceptable. A negotiating space.

    *Sigh* The baby step for now is, “I feel”. And to realize that no one has the right to dismiss or discount what I feel, because it is in fact the one thing I truly have a right to claim.

    Thank you.

  149.  #149Daria on January 8, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    i feel tired and beaten down. 2 nights ago my parents had a “talk” with me that included no talking from me. i felt curious and excited that i was able to talk without getting defensive and “explaining”.

    but now the shaky feeling i felt then is taking its toll on my mind and body. i feel like a cage got put on my energy.

    i dont have the energy to imagine the good stuff, and love the stuff now, i feel sore across my back and chest, i dont feel lilke hugging. i want to stay in my room in bed. i feel furious and tired. well when i try to think what it is i just get that i feel angyr. and im tired.

  150.  #150Flipper on January 8, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    Trinque! (I drink a lot of champagne at this time of year) –

    Here’s to Alias Girl feeling acceptance and appreciation, sharing her fierce intimacy and marvelous creativity out there – Lucky World!


    PS I’m feeling jealous of your 5-sec. “oeuillades” (teehee – don’t even try to pronounce it).

  151.  #151Simply Shannon on January 8, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    This post really resonates with me. I explained myself to death in my marriage, and we hardly ever found common ground. Why? Because I wanted him to see it my way, and he wanted me to see it his way. And neither of us was interested in budging.

    Back later to read through the posts. Happy Friday everyone! Shannon

  152.  #152tinque on January 8, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    Flipper – moi aussi. J’adore le champagne. quelq’un m’a donne une bouteille de Veuve Cliquot. myum, myum, myum.
    (un accent egu sur “donne” et sur egu. je ne comprends pas ou se trouve les accents sue l’ordinateur.)
    clinque le cliquot. bdr? (beaucoup de rires ou rigolos)

  153.  #153Tina on January 8, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    I feel resistence again, I must be “doing” to much, even though I am not “doing” anything. Truckman is coming were going out again, I woke up late as usual, had coffee, he called, left a message, I did agree to see him again tonight. No time to cancel grrrrrr. He wants to me to spend the night at his house, I said no, I’ll have to remind him again what I said and about sex. I’M NOT SPENDING THE NIGHT AT HIS HOUSE TONIGHT, BESIDES I FEEL CRAMPS IN MY TUMMY. I CAN HERE HIS TRUCK PULLING UP THE DRIVEWAY LOL. APPLAUDS FROM CRAZY AS SHE ROLLS HER EYES. ok maybe that wasnt him.

  154.  #154tinque on January 8, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    accent aigu?

  155.  #155dorothea on January 8, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Flipper, merci de m’avoir donne des conseils.

    I don’t speak the best french, but for the sake of the other sirens that translates to: flipper, thanks for the advice!

    I read French Women Don’t Sleep alone after you mentioned it a while a go, and I felt really good about some of the themes in the book. My favorite is about how French women plan dinner parties and invite men to hang out in big groups, and one-on-ones are low pressure, inexpensive things like taking a walk. I feel much less rigid about a man taking me out, spending money on me, etc. This works much better for me and my personality.

  156.  #156alias girl on January 8, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    thank you sirens!! (janjune, lisa & flipper)

    🙂 i feel supported and cheered on!

    lisa i felt a softness in your last comment. i feel good about that.

    yae dorothea with your downpour of men!

  157.  #157dorothea on January 8, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    Hey Lisa, one thing that really got me into using feeling messages was talking to Daria in IM. She is way in-tune with her feelings and doesn’t seem the slightest bit ashamed to just be like “I FEEL FURIOUS!” She has been a mentor/role model to me without realizing it in the use of feeling messages.

    Having a girl friend to share your feelings with in the Rori way can really open up this part of yourself

  158.  #158dorothea on January 8, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    Awww I feel way warm and fuzzy towards Daria right now. Thanks Daria for always seeming so open with us!

  159.  #159Lisa on January 8, 2010 at 3:51 pm


    Thank you. I want to feel softer, and stronger, and all of it, really. The fierce anger that came up last month was new, and I embrace that, too. I want to be myself, not some accommodating “buddy” who let’s every insult slip off her back. To be authentic, rather than simply, agreeable.

    I still get angry that a I agreed to allow myself to be hurt and offended. I was a partner in that. I took the “stale crumb bits” like a partisan, and said, ‘I can make a meal of this, damn him!” Why such a martyr, living in the woods?! Well, I’m done with that.

    I want to be soft, but to have a clear “NO”. My area of operation is too broad. I want to able to rein in the limits of acceptability, to have boundaries, but I don’t want to be harsh.

  160.  #160Flipper on January 8, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    Trinquons, mes belles ! (Clink on, my beauties!)

    I feel glad and smiley that you enjoyed the book, Dorothea. The group idea appeals to me, too, though the elaborate dinner parties in there would probably feel like major over-functioning in the US context in many cases . But if you have a lot of single girlfriends and you’re all starting to have a good collection of ‘nice-guys-but-no-romance-there-for-me’, made through on-line dating, having more casual get-togethers mixing them seems like a good formula to try out. One girl’s nice cuppa tea is likely to be another’s fine champagne flute, don’t you feel?

    Désolée, Tinque, I don’t know how you can get the accents. I have a French keyboard with ‘tout ce qu’il faut’, and my home Windows Office doesn’t have the same choices as my old pro one did – on that one I could do format=>special characters, which gave a gazillion accented letters from all languages. I think they can be made with keystroke combinations, too, but I don’t know what they are.


  161.  #161Lola on January 8, 2010 at 4:41 pm

    I’m a leaner forward and a take-up-slacker. I am leaning back at the moment but what to say when your boyfriend calls up and says: “Well, what’s the itinerary then?”

    He’s feeling his way somewhat as I have knocked him back recently due to the Christmas drama. But I’ve noticed he is very feminine energied – more than I had originally thought.

    It’s bitterly cold here so I don’t feel like going too far afield/getting frozen. Perhaps I should just say “I don’t want to get frozen” and see what he says..

  162.  #162Lola on January 8, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    I’m a leaner forward and a take-up-slacker. I am leaning back at the moment but what to say when your boyfriend calls up and says: “Well, what’s the itinerary then?”

    He’s feeling his way somewhat as I have knocked him back recently due to the Christmas drama. I’ve noticed he is very feminine energied – more than I had originally thought.

    It’s bitterly cold here so I don’t feel like going too far afield/getting frozen. Perhaps I should just say “I don’t want to get frozen” and see what he says.. Any suggestions?

  163.  #163Lola on January 8, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    I just posted that twice thinking it didn’t go through the first time! Plus a bit extra : ))

  164.  #164tinque on January 8, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    Lola – How about, “I don’t know. What do you think?”

  165.  #165Lola on January 8, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    So brilliantly succinct!

    He seems to be getting irritated by me not being more proactive. Hmmmm could this be that he is used to woman being more proactive, including me?

  166.  #166tinque on January 8, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    Maybe, so maybe it’s time to either retrain him, and if that’s a no go, ask him to leave.

  167.  #167Lola on January 8, 2010 at 5:00 pm


    I feel excited at the idea of retraining him!!! : ))


  168.  #168dorothea on January 8, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    I feel excited about the idea of retraining a man too! Which leads me to my next thought – what if I don’t need to be responsible for anyone’s training. what if that feels bad and heavy? what if I look at it like “I feel excited about the idea of re-inventing my role in relationships” or “I feel excited about the idea of re-drawing my boundaries.”


  169.  #169Lola on January 8, 2010 at 5:24 pm


    I like the last one – “I feel excited about the idea of re-drawing my boundaries.” as it always seems to go back to boundaries with me.

    I also feel like he is trying to be accommodating/ easy going, he’s feels like he’s unsure of himself at the moment because I’m different. Since I wrote the New Year letter that Rori suggested I have gone into zooming outwards onto my career/finances/family thing. I feel he is disorientated!

  170.  #170Lisa on January 8, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    Fr. a NYT a review of the book “Siamese” (“Endgame”):

    “Saeterbakken holds up for our edification a nasty and petulant individual who never was all that much fun in the first place. Not only do we have to hear Edwin’s unceasing complaints, we also have to witness his brutalization of Sweetie, which she doggedly reports:

    “ ‘Look at me, you bitch!’ His tongue had gone back into his mouth so that he could shout again, at the top of his lungs. ‘Look at me! Don’t you think I’ve been a bad husband?’

    Oooh — this was J.!!! Not that much fun, yet I was the “siamese” — the twin. He knew how cruel he was, and yet I refused to be honest and agree with him. I would assert, “You are a good person deep inside.” Why would I insist this against ALL evidence to the contrary? Even when he FED me his cruelty? Even when he said, “If I were you, I’d leave”!?

    That is something for me to figure out. Why do I complement my evil opposite? How does this comport with Rori’s idea of the mirror (if at all)?

  171.  #171janjune on January 8, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    keep going goddess lisa, you will find your answers…

  172.  #172Nikita on January 8, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    I FINALLY read this post after glazing over it for two days 😉

    yay!! I can read!!!

  173.  #173janjune on January 8, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    ook!… (shiver) re-training men…
    ook! that feels nightmareish, dark.

    re-drawing goddess boundaries.
    feels healing.
    feels Yes!

  174.  #174janjune on January 8, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    hope you’re feeling better tonight.

  175.  #175Nikita on January 8, 2010 at 6:21 pm


    the wacky technology is in relation to Mercury being Retrograde, it’s going to be wacky until the 17 of Jan.
    I know way too much about astrology….I feel weird.


  176.  #176dorothea on January 8, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    yeah, sooo many people have lost their phones or they have broken, and are waiting for replacements to come in the mail.

  177.  #177mary on January 8, 2010 at 7:52 pm

    hello, daria.

    i feel sad and out of sorts thinking about the angst in your relationship with your parents. how wise to just listen to them!

    if people are arguing back when i’m talking, i just want to talk more. when people listen to me, it makes my words echo off the walls and i hear what i’m saying. sometimes i don’t like what i hear me saying! so i have to modify…

    it seems wise to listen, even if it causes pain in the body!

    missing your presence here…

  178.  #178mary on January 8, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    okay, i’m also feeling GLAD about the wise move on your part.

  179.  #179Lisa on January 8, 2010 at 8:12 pm


    Thank you. It is coming to me …


    Don’t feel weird about your computer. I jam the p.o.s. systems at grocery stores 50% of the time. Who knows why? Could it be my tinfoil hat 🙂

  180.  #180Linda on January 8, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    So… my 20 year old daughter and I hung out this evening. She is so strong willed… alwyas have been. I love her strength but she has need to learn to offer grace in her speech yet…. anyway she tells me about this guy that expressed interest with her but is now back peddling.

    I said.. “honey, lean back, dont call, text, contact”… if he is curious about you he will call if not he wont…. she said well “I havent contacted him for 2 days”. “I just dont care”…. we were eating dinner and her phone rang. She said well mom that was him…. she said now I just lean back right?….

    I have a disciple now. The things I have learned and are serving me well will be passed on.

    Life is good. and……. I am smiling.


  181.  #181dorothea on January 8, 2010 at 8:48 pm

    Oh Linda, I wish I had a mom like you. Poor Rori has to be my mama now, LOL. My mother taught me that if I focused all my energy on a particular man, it would draw him closer to me. (Yikes, and it drove men away her whole life). These were her words of wisdom for me.

    I just turned 25 and am finally figuring out what it looks and feels like to “lean back.” I am finally figuring out that the way to get what I want is to say no to what I don’t want. Holy Self Esteem, Batman!

  182.  #182Nikita on January 8, 2010 at 9:20 pm


    I feel confused about your comment to me. Can you explain 😉 ?

    please…. 😉

  183.  #183Nikita on January 8, 2010 at 9:21 pm

    This one :

    Don’t feel weird about your computer. I jam the p.o.s. systems at grocery stores 50% of the time. Who knows why? Could it be my tinfoil hat


  184.  #184Daria on January 8, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    I’ve been Blessed! By Quan Yin the Goddess of Compassion!!!!

  185.  #185Daria on January 8, 2010 at 11:43 pm

    Thank you Mary, Janjune, Dorothea, and everyonee!!

  186.  #186Lisa on January 9, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Of course, Nikita! Email can be such an imprecise medium, and it is so easy to be misheard, as we cannot see expressions and body language.

    I was referring to your comment (I hope it was you!) that your computer had gone on the blink, but that you drew your horoscope and understood that it was to be expected.

    Now, I’ll deconstruct all the unspoken stuff: I admire people who can do horoscopes, though I cannot. I am a Scorpio/Libra moon, and have been amazed at how accurate a horoscope that I had done was. It pegged me to a “T”.

    Anyway, I was thinking about electronic things going blinkers, and it is true that the registers in supermarkets go haywire half the time I check out. Are they just old and wonky? Do I go at the wrong times? Is there something disconcerting about me? Well, I fancy I’m like the woman on Bewitched, and am having this effect on them, which is rather arrogant when one thinks about it.

    Hence the self-disparaging comment that if I think I am putting registers out of commission, I am no better than those who wear foil hats. By that I mean your run o’ the mill conspiracy theorist-type, and not an astrologer!

    I begin my day with an online horoscope, so please know that I have great respect for that ancient wisdom.
    And I hope it was you, Nikita, who did her forecast, ’cause otherwise I’m way off base 🙂

  187.  #187Lisa on January 9, 2010 at 12:40 pm


    Ooops — it may have been Jennifer’s computer that went out (?)


    Thank you for the good advice on sharing feeling messages with girlfriends.

  188.  #188janjune on January 9, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    anger – is stuck in our energy patterns, muscles, organs.
    in ebook.
    i never thought about this before. i kind of have goose bumps…
    that it’s stuck. that energy patterns are stuck. that fear is stuck and those things that have happened are stuck and they’re all right here with me still and… well,… thats why they’re still with me, because they’re stuck in my muscles, organs, not just in my head or thoughts.

    i’ve never considered that they may have become a part of my body as well.

    oooh now i’ve got big goose bumps.

    rori is this why the physicalness of your program triggers? do you know what i mean? like when i tried to do Dr. Paul’s suggestion:
    ““Yes, that is heartache. You feel heartache. And this is a very painful feeling, so you are covering it up with your anger. Right now, put your hands over your heart, breathing into your heart. Open to your Guidance, inviting in compassion for your heartache. Be very gentle, tender, and kind with yourself. Take a minute to do this…..Now what are you feeling?””
    it was okay, it felt logical to do this, but sensed no impact at all on what i actually *felt*.

    but then when Daria gave me the Tool, Rubbing Heart, yes, that triggered something which opened up my heart to deeper healing, to the next xtep of finding my *way”, finding my truth.

    stuck in the muscles, i never would hav thought that, but it feels very very true.

  189.  #189Daria on January 9, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    oh lisa – i feel really triggered to see you make disparaging comments to yourself because you think something good about yourself and judge it arrogant.

    that feels so sad


    Rori’s one rule is Don’t beat yourself up.

    when i think good things about myself, and i feel the nasty voice go no no thats arrogant, i jsut send love to it, and refrain from making disparaging comments

    oh its been a great change for me

    i feel trigggered


  190.  #190Daria on January 9, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    JanJune – i work with a body therapist (over hte phone) and we’ve worked on stretching – which has had wonderful impact on my posture, and dancing and well, living – and also removing the stuck energy patterns

    which in the concept he uses are from past lifes or “collective memories’ and then get patterened and replayed as a child and then as an adult

    it actually felt very intense and liberating

    BUT intense. the past life stuff i worked with is basically, these “commands” energies are stuck in the body from someone attacking us, and we well, DIE

    in that memory

    so i felt pretty shaken to deal with all these abuse thingies

    but i did feel very brave after doing the first one, and then more recently i had one that i just did on my own spontaneously here on blog a few days ago…

    Somatic Therapy is one name of what’s working with the body to release these energies is called

    The therapist i worked with uses soemthing called Reichian based Nethertonian Release

    I actually did feel “looser” in an outer layer of myself after the first session, like i didnt have this wall

    and people Did start treating me better

  191.  #191janjune on January 9, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    rori, your program is so deep
    and also so simple.
    i’m blown away.

    is it the etheric body that needs to be cleared?

    i absolutely believe we have one of those – as the part of us that is touched by the healing power of homeopathic preparations.

    this feels like what i’m dealing with here.

    thank you!

  192.  #192janjune on January 9, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    thank you daria!
    i will read your reply over today as i go — so much in what you said– so much i don’t understand yet. but what you are saying rings so true in my spirit. i just have no knowledge base for it yet.

    but yes, what you said about the
    “I actually did feel “looser” in an outer layer of myself”
    well, that sounds like it feels like the part of myself that i think about when rori was talking about the enegries being stuck… even in the muscles, organs and energy patterns.

    oh i know this is big!!

    but i never ever thought about that that way.

    i just *so* know the healing power of the right homoepathic preparation, which is simply the vibration of something attached to molecules of milk sugar (most of the time). but oh, gosh, get the right one, and it *works*.

    i’m so excited to be leading into the new knowledge bases.
    i feel tears.
    i feel happiness.

  193.  #193Daria on January 9, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    I feel stuck and like my energy is rushing to center to protect itself. and ball up. I love my rushing to center, cowering energy. I feel sad and i love my sad feelings, and that feels like tingling on my cheeks and sadness coming up from my heart, and I love the tingling on my cheeks and the sadness coming up from my heart. And that feels like tightening and almost nausea dizzyness under and around my eyesockets. And i love my tightening and almost nausea dizzyness and I love my eyesockets. and that feels like. wanting to cry but feeling stuck. and ilove my feeling of wanting to cry but feeling stuck. and taht feels like melting in my arms, and my h ead starting to look down and pouty and i love the melting in my arms and my head starting to look down and pouty. and that feels like my chest caving in like there was no heart at all in there, my heart has gone paper thin and is bending, and i love my caving chest and paper thin heart, and that feels like yawning, and i love my yawning, and that feels like tingling in my arms and brightening of my eyes and i love the tingling in my arms and eyes. and that feels like head lifting and leaning to the left and i lvoe my head lifting and leaning to the left. and that feels like yawning and i love my yawn. and that feels like leaning back in the chair and feeling excited and the its wokring its working feeling and i lvoe my leaning back in the chair and excited its working feeling. and that feels like yawning. and like more thoughts of omgosh i cant believe its WORKING and like squeezings above my nani and i lovemy yawning and my thoughts and my squeezing around my nani

    and that feels like warmness around my booty lol and that feels like embarassment and squeezing on the right side of my abdomen and i love my warmness, my booty hole, my embarassment and squeezings
    and that feels like more embarassment and hot face and squeezing on the bridge of my nose and on my cheek and i love the squeezing on the bridge of my nose and my cheek and that feels like relaxing there and a lil twinge on the side of my abodment and i love myrelaxing and my twinge and that feels like a smile on my left side and giggling and i love my smile on my left side and giggling and that feels like thought of WHY does tihs work so well and i love my curious thought and desire to learn and understand and not master but the beauty that the word master has with no domination but just wisdom and abiility and power in a creative way like knowing how to rearaange stars like go beads. mmmm

    i love my creativity and that feels like yawning and pain in my lower right thumb are and i love my yawning and pain in my lower thumb area

    and taht feel like yawning and giglling A LOT with joy that im realeasing the cage i was just feeling stuck by i feel DELIGHTed and i lvoe my delight, my yawning and giggling, and that feel like leaning my head back and saying ahh with pleasure and yawning and i lov emy leaning my head back and saying ahh and yawning and that feels like smiling up on the left side and leaning my head right and i love my smile and my right leaning head and that feels like giggling and rotating my head around to the left and i love my giggling and roatating my head to the left and that feels like yawning and relaxation and i love my yawning and relaxation


    thank you

  194.  #194Nikita on January 9, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    Hey Lisa,

    thanks for explaining that to me …or elaborating on what you meant 😉 very exciting stuff! I feel so happy and relieved that I asked! So, I am a scorpio asc. 🙂 gemini moon so I’d presume according to the scope we are rather compatible….so I get that there was a mild misunderstanding and yet a deep understanding and connection. How fun!….I feel playful.

    But no, my computer has been well-behaved lately. But I’ve been studying the stars a bit for YEARS and I noticed that I can’t seem to ignore the retrograde cycle of mercury…..and at %50 of the stores the past few weeks the system is down or something…I just giggle because it’s at this time patience serves the nerves…and I allow for mixed signals or miscommunication -someone else mentioned the phone loss stuff- and yes losing things is easier at this time…..it’ll blow over in a week 😉

    But, I get the tin-foil hat thing….I seem to be pretty electric at times…..thx for the convo 🙂

  195.  #195Daria on January 9, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    Janjune – check out http://www.backfixbodywork.com
    thats the therapist i work with and theres (so much) info there, maybe look for the

    emotional therapy articles. muy interesting

    but. the guy is a man and can be pretty set sometimes (ive been noticing men healers can be more like the heroic style, but its easy for me to let them lead me to healing that way too). like he told me belief change would not work only mental, cuz it would sit on top of the body beliefs. BUT

    the Lefkoe lady i worked with said it worked. and then we removed the belief “other people know better than i do” and “i can’t trust myself”

    and all the beliefs changes came back

    plus i think i got better at releasing OUT my body

    so just a warning about what i experienced

  196.  #196Daria on January 9, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    I feel incredulous that i have never tried homeopathy. i feel excited for when im called to try it. yeehee

  197.  #197Daria on January 9, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Ima super mercury and the retrograde has been great for me (i feel surprised and delighted)

    the one intense communication thing i had showed me something important

  198.  #198Daria on January 9, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Gemini Sun Gemini Ascendant

  199.  #199Daria on January 9, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Capricorn Moon

  200.  #200janjune on January 9, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    okay, thanks for the warning daria.

    i actually don’t *actually* know what you said because i don’t know anything about any of this yet, meaning i don’t *understand* it yet but like i said it has that *ring* of truth.
    but i’ve transferred your comments to my study guide i’m making of roris ebook.

    so will refer back to your comments as i grow.
    thank you for sharing!!!!!!!!

  201.  #201janjune on January 9, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    if you feel like going into it can you explain a little bit more about this:
    “like he told me belief change would not work only mental, cuz it would sit on top of the body beliefs.”

    i don’t know maybe that’s too deep to go into…

    Also, i think this is what i am removing from my thoughts and beliefs through using rori’s program:
    “the Lefkoe lady i worked with said it worked. and then we removed the belief “other people know better than i do ” and “i can’t trust myself”

    I don’t understand the following sentence. if you have time/want to would you please tell me more? ty.
    “plus i think i got better at releasing OUT my body”

  202.  #202janjune on January 9, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    , these “commands” energies are stuck in the body from someone attacking us, and we well, DIE

    in that memory

    ….this, yes, this sounds true.

    going to research…..

  203.  #203janjune on January 9, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    …i am feeling the *play* of the energy.
    sensing it.
    feel it.

    being present with it.

    feels like “full life”, “more life”

  204.  #204Daria on January 9, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    JanJune i feel a little unclear.

    well lets see. these energies stuck in my body function as NV’s and beliefs. they activate and come to the brain when triggered, and attract stuff (experiences people) in an energetic way. for example, say i had the belief, “i’ll never make it” stuck in me.

    I could MENTALLY change this, and mentally, meaning my brain, would think its changed. but if the energy was still stuck in my body, then it would still operate on an energetic level, parallel to, or right under consciousness.

    thats what the therapist said.

    HOWEVER. with the Lefkoe method (which seems to be pretty mental), i noticed a lot of gasping, yawning, clutching in my body. So i think it was making body changes too

    the therapist thinks i have to do his method of releasing to remove the energies

    after my success with the LEFKOE im not quite sure. the lefkoe thing seemed to go pretty deep in my body in a way

    so i feel a lil shaky.

    What i think is that, even though lets say the LEFKOE was just mental, making that mental change Facilitated my body to release competing energies later Anyway.

    like an outside in process

    i feel stomach turning. i dont’ have a full wisdom on this subject and why lefkoe worked (if only mental) if lefkoe lady is right , or therapist is right, but i now do feel that I’m RIGHT. hehehe.

    it felt somewhat limiting to thinkg that mental belief changes will not work without body release. But. its not as clear cut. perhaps mental release facilitates body release too.

    tho i can see the scenario of making a superficial mental change, and then having all the other stuff underneath, I don’t feel that that’s what happend for me, i feel more cohesive and deep with my changes.

    I can also feel the energies in my body better, and am starting to spontaneously release out of my body, or just on my own decide to do a release session. I do this by tuning into my body to where I ‘feel” the feeling, and then Verbally and while im paying attention, repeat the phrase that is in that (what usually comes to mind is strange abuse situations from past lives or something) and then go on to the next phrase

    sounds something like

    im going to kill you. im going to kill you. im going to kill you.

    you bitch. you bitch. you bitch.

    die . die. die.

    oh you want more. oh you want more. oh you want more.


    it helps to get a visual of the scene, it comes up piece by piece

    its WEIRD STUFF!

    after i do a session all the way to the part where i die and go up thru clouds, i feel afterward… well released and clear. and that lasts.

    then after awhile inner still stuck energies will migrate out to the outside and maybe even spontaneously release

    UMMM. i shoudl add that there is stretching to be done for this, to loosen the fascia which holds these memories.

    also often times childhood traumas will be a replay of a past life trauma. so i can go into a childhood trauma and do the release, and ill get an idea of what it is a replay of, there is also birth time when these energies get stuck, and prenatal etc

    it feels a lil overwhelming the way the therapist runs it, but wel its been working

    ps – to me these do not neceassarily have to be past lives. they might just be a way my mind is organizing the information in order to release it. but it works

    did i mention stretching? the stretching is the main part. oh. and it feels absolutely amazing, and has helped me MOVE the way that feels good to my body. its an amazing way to stretch, the fascia, not just the muscles

    it LOOOKS like regular stretching, but just a lil different attention is paid and its a HUGE MAGIC SHIFT

    i would love to expound on this stretch

    ps its possible to call Lou, the backfixbodywork therapist, and he will teach you them on the phone, probably for free as a consultation or something

  205.  #205janjune on January 9, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    yes, if you ever feel like it i would love to hear you expound on that stretch.

  206.  #206janjune on January 9, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    thanks for the further comment.
    i think i get that now that it’s a matter of how it works for that person (the one *doing* it), and whether strictly mental works or whether a person would have to use both mental and physical.
    i could see where both would have their place in healing… maybe even depending on the energy patterns being cleared.

    “I could MENTALLY change this, and mentally, meaning my brain, would think its changed. but if the energy was still stuck in my body, then it would still operate on an energetic level, parallel to, or right under consciousness.
    thats what the therapist said.”


    “HOWEVER. with the Lefkoe method (which seems to be pretty mental), i noticed a lot of gasping, yawning, clutching in my body. So i think it was making body changes too
    the therapist thinks i have to do his method of releasing to remove the energies
    after my success with the LEFKOE im not quite sure. the lefkoe thing seemed to go pretty deep in my body in a way”

    that is the thing that has left me awestruck about rori’s program is when she has us involve the body somehow in the emotional healing, it’s as if the healing clearing mechanism gets “put into gear”, like moving from neutral, revving your engine going nowhere changes into getting traction and moving forward!
    (there’s alot of snow here right now, so am dealing with getting traction on ice… 🙂 )
    but i believe that rori has the key to healing (for me) with combining the physical sensate focus exercises with the emotional healing/clearing/changes.

    i really don’t *get it* yet I JUST KNOW IT’S WORKING!

    well, back to the backfixbodywork website.

  207.  #207Lisa on January 9, 2010 at 2:18 pm


    Thank you for telling me not to disparage myself, and for discussing the fascia stretch. I’d be interested to know more about this, as my fascia feels very tight and constricted. I have .m.s, so i cannot walk very well.

    It is interesting to find this somatic discussion, from JanJune, too, who says:

    “anger – is stuck in our energy patterns, muscles, organs in ebook.”

    Yesterday, when I mentioned how hard I tried to see and love the “being” underneath J’s cruel self, how hard I fought for it’s (non- )existence, I came to a somatic understanding. I was not/am not loving a part of me that I label bad (the NV’s). But this “bad” part is from a previous life.

    I have never been regressed, but I have no doubt about this, as I have been “visited” by these past incarnations many times. One is a prostitute, one burned her child(ren) in a barn, in colonial times. I don’t know why she did it, but I can surely feel her terror. So perhaps this is why I kept insisting on loving the “good” that was never evident to me. I feel like I was transferring and projecting my own needs over to him. If I could love what i hoped to see in him, I could vicariously love me. (Again, going the long way around the barn.)

    This feels reasonable to me, and I cried about it when it came to me. It makes pulling back my energies from J. that much easier. Not only was it a fantasy relationship, J. was a fantasy “good person”, which didn’t exist underneath it all because it wasn’t “there”. As Rori says, if you don’t see it/him, he doesn’t exist.

    It is what is underneath and inside of me that matters. I am feeling more compassionate in this understanding.

    Thanks to everyone here for her input. I am growing.

  208.  #208Lisa on January 9, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    Yes, JanJune — body/mind, we’re all of a piece. It is so silly that we segregate the brain off for psychologists, the body for MD’s. There’s not a trap in our neck that shuts our head from our body. It is one unit, and the pain/chemicals flow throughout, and I do believe they get stuck, at points and times.

    I’d like to learn more about releasing the stuck energies.

  209.  #209Simply Shannon on January 9, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    Lisa: I wasn’t sure about saying this but it looks like you’re kind of working through this now. When my therapist (also my ex’s) labeled him as borderline narcissist, I felt relieved because that meant he was “bad” and it wasn’t me. Well… that felt good for awhile but it gave him all the power because he was the one who needed to be fixed. Once I got it in my head that it didn’t matter what or who he was… that it only mattered that a) I was the one choosing to stay in the relationship and b) I could “fix” me, I felt free. Labeling him doesn’t change anything. Deciding I was done making the decision to stay in a relationship where I feel awful and worthless… that to me felt powerful.

  210.  #210janjune on January 9, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    i feel compassion toward the “unraveling” experience you are going through.

    i have a question regarding my understanding of rori’s way of dealing with things:
    ANYBODY: is this a totally true statement about rori’s program (I *think* it is)
    It does *not* matter or do us any good to know how we got the feelings (past life, current life trauma, etc.) but only that we recognize that we have them and
    take our place in *THIS MOMENT* of our lives, and then the next moment of our lives, and so on…. to make choices to make them different?

    …as in knowing i have anger, and it doesn’t really (materially) matter where it came f5rom, but
    to claim it,
    own it,
    call it my own
    and then decide what i’;m going to do with it.
    as in, it’s mine and i will decide to keep it or clear it?

    and then proceed…. ?

  211.  #211janjune on January 9, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    lisa, i love this:
    There’s not a trap in our neck that shuts our head from our body. It is one unit.


  212.  #212janjune on January 9, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    i think you said you have rori’s ebook… i was working in chapter 11 this morning when all this got triggered…

  213.  #213janjune on January 9, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    from harmonics int’l:
    the connection of the mind body and soul becoming a PHYSICAL reality.

  214.  #214janjune on January 9, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    feeling energy rather the more passively “radiating” around my body about 8-9 inches out. fluidy, floaty but contained within a border, like a soft lead pencil line.
    it moves as i move.
    feels very comfortable
    comforting too

    feels soft but resilient.
    i am identifying it as love right now, and acceptance and okayness.

    im afraid its going to not be there in my next moment so i keep checking it.

  215.  #215Rachel on January 9, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    I have a friend visiting this weekend. She just got remarried to a great guy and they are so happy. She’s been showing me her wedding pics (I couldn’t attend) and just glowing and bouncing around all weekend. And… while I’m truly happy for her, I feel like crying.

    I feel sad that I have not found “the love of my life.”

    I feel lonely.

    I feel achey knowing that I will sleep alone tonight while she sleeps in the arms of her love.

    I feel a little hopeful that I can be as happy as she someday…

    Update… Guy A is starting to row a little. We had a really great conversation 3 nights ago. Little short ones since. Nothing today. But at least there’s more contact than before. The big conversation felt like a feast! Some of the other contacts still feel a little like crumbs but it could just be his schedule and mine haven’t been clicking. We have a 3 hour time difference plus very busy schedules.

    Ok… I feel better after sharing.

    I love you all!!!

  216.  #216Jennifer on January 9, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    Hey girls.
    Yes it was my computer that went whacky. I am at my brother’s.
    I am going to do some tapping later to change my vibe about men.
    All the ones on POF seem wierd. I feel so judgemental but it seems that the ones messaging me are illiterate.
    I feel like a guy who won’t spell check prolly won’t be much on details in a relatinship either.
    And one is a jerk!
    He sent me a message telling me he’s F*ckin cool and i had to message him.
    So I didn’t write him back.
    Then he sends me a message whining about not sending a message back.
    Gee…that’s hot.
    So I just mailed back.
    That feels icky.

    I feel so depressed. B’s birthday, another cousin announcing his engagement, January blahs. I will tap on that too.

  217.  #217Nikita on January 9, 2010 at 6:27 pm


    how long was your friend seeing her guy before they got hitched….I’m curious ?

  218.  #218Lisa on January 9, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    S. Shannon,

    Thank you, yes, that is the point at which I am now. As in my case, he may be borderline narcissist, but:

    “it only mattered that a) I was the one choosing to stay in the relationship and [if] b) I could “fix” me, I felt free.”

    My head’s still spinning a bit realizing how many journals I filled with his analysis (!), but it really doesn’t matter at all, now. It’d make good kindling (if I had a fire.) Reading a book now called “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” given to me by women’s advocacy friend, and I stopped checking the things that applied a few pages in. I will just tell her, “All”.

    It is down to me, where it ever was, only I didn’t recognize it. I am really glad this community is here for support. I’d be the poorer without you all.


    Haven’t got the ebook yet, and glad you liked the imagery of the neck trap. It is a silly Cartesian dualism, isn’t it?

  219.  #219janjune on January 9, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    okay the energy radiating out 8-9 inches feeling floaty and fluidy with the soft lead pencil line around it is gone now.
    that’s the same thing (exactly) that happened the first time i dropped my energy from my head into my pelvis area.

    maybe it was just to give a
    1. “visual”
    2. sense experience
    of what is going on in my etheric body.

    when it was gone i felt “oh, no.”, but i see that i can bring it back, but it doesn’t have a visual attached to it now and the “dense” meaning, almost physical, sensation experience is also gone.
    but the feeling of warm and love and acceptance and okayness is there, it just feels a little less protected — more “out there”, more vulnerable.

  220.  #220alias girl on January 9, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    janjune i feel enjoyment in reading your process.

    lisa i feel relieved and good that the focus is back on you now.

  221.  #221Rachel on January 9, 2010 at 7:53 pm


    They had known each other as friends for years, but weren’t involved romantically until the last year or so. They just got married in November. They seem so happy… sigh!

  222.  #222mary on January 9, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    sometimes when i talk to a guy on the phone, i use this list of feeling words:


  223.  #223alias girl on January 9, 2010 at 8:34 pm

    aw. i love romantic love stories with happy endings. 🙂 !!! i love that they were friends first.

  224.  #224janjune on January 9, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    thank you alias girl.
    i’ve felt inspired by your spirit over and over again since being on this blog.

  225.  #225janjune on January 9, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    this journey feels like being in a forest, like in the fairy tales, in the darkest, dark of night and having just a little bright light where, after one step has been taken, the next one is illuminated…

    i feel safe.

  226.  #226Lisa on January 9, 2010 at 10:44 pm


    I very much like your fairy tale imagery of illumination. It reminds me of a dark forest in England in which I’d gotten lost, and all of a sudden, rabbits popping up everywhere! It was quite magical and unexpected.

    So, we’ll look to our North Star, and I feel very comforted. Tonight I am up late taking care of some long-deferred mending projects. It is all part of slowly clearing my space. As energy has stagnated around the house, so it has in my body/mind. Hopefully the dislodging project will have a reciprocal effect.

    And all the good work we do here can’t hurt.

  227.  #227janjune on January 9, 2010 at 11:06 pm

    well that’s funny lisa, we so often seem to be on such a close track. after i had my “in-body-experience” today 🙂 i felt so clear-headed that i tackled a massive paperwork project i’ve been putting off for a year and a half. it dredges up an enormous amount of pain so i honestly haven’t been able to deal with it. have just sit there looking at it pile up.
    but do you know, i’ve actually “sorted” through the whole thing this evening. still have lots of work to do on it but i felt so, i don’t know what the word is –maybe fortified– that i have now “handled” each document meaning touched it, read it, put it in the order it needs to be in to be worked with, let the memories and the pain come up, (thank you rori, i love you) and really feel like i can handle going through the whole thing without spiraling into depression.

    that’s so cool that you have actually been in a forest like the one in the fairy tales! (sorry you got lost)… and then to have bunnies hopping all over the place… i thought you were going to say they showed you the way out… kidding…

    i really do feel that way, though…. i don’t know what’s going to happen next. so just taking one step at a time, trusting the process…

    baby steps… through the forest………………

  228.  #228Lisa on January 10, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Thanks, janjune — one step in front of the other, and baby steps. It is sinking in that those will inexorably lead us somewhere, and if we’re training our energies on the good, it will be a good somewhere. (Oh, and I would’ve loved to have had a signal master bunny! As it was, it made the getting lost in the prototypical “dark, deep forest” a bit magical, so that was o.k.

    It is a message I’d do well to be mindful of: Be prepared to be delighted. When I was with J, I was always in vigilant mode (“be prepared for disappointment and defense.”) Now I am feeling like it is not too Pallyannaish to expect good, though still being realistic.

    I am so glad you could “handle” these materials you’d put off for 1 1/2 years. I am in the same position. Some things have not been handled for many more years than that. But they’re darn well going to get processed now 🙂

    I’d tried to brute force it in the past, but that simply didn’t work. Now, I am approaching what needs done with a softer attitude. That is beginning to break up the icebergs.

  229.  #229Lisa on January 10, 2010 at 11:20 am


    Thanks for posting the helpful list of feeling words.

  230.  #230aprilshowers on June 5, 2010 at 7:40 pm

    I know this is an old post, but I MUST say how it saved the day this week!

    I felt hungry for Rori’s messages, so I was hunting for old ones while I was killing time at work.

    Right after I read this post, my ex beau/business partner picked a fight with me. Literally, 10 seconds after I read it on my Blackberry, he was all in my face, very animated, accusing and blaming and provoking me.

    He said, “It’s always about what YOU want, how YOU feel. It’s never about the partnership.”

    Initially, I thought, “Wow, he noticed. I’m taking care of me!”

    Then, I felt shocked because I genuinely had no clue what prompted this or what he was talking about. I guess he was in “The Soup” because he was fuming and venting about a lot of different topics all at once.

    First, I argued back, trying to defend myself. Then, I remembered this post said explaining doesn’t get you anywhere. Then, I remembered Rori said it’s not my concern what a man wants, thinks, or needs.

    Then, I simply leaned back in my chair and said, “I feel attacked.” I didn’t say another word. The conversation got interrupted seconds later.

    We talked at length hours later. I said, “I feel attacked. I don’t want to be in a position where I have to explain or defend myself.”

    He said, “I don’t want you to be in a position to constantly defend or explain yourself.”

    The day ended with him apologizing. He said that the impetus for the argument his misunderstanding of a text message response I sent. Then, he agreed to do everything [on one particular issue] the way I wanted to best accommodate me. Yay!

    I felt so powerful! I know Rori’s tools aren’t about being selfish, per se. However, when I take care of me, before the needs of a man or anyone else, I have this amazing power to make things happen.

  231.  #231Seagull on February 12, 2013 at 9:59 am


    Hi Rori and sirens,

    Here is a small “aha” I can add in response to my on-line man tomorrow.

    (“Aha” in my case means stop explaining… It is really something new for me as I am a professional teacher.)

    He has triggered me the other day with his premature judgement and was SO eager to hear more about me. That felt into the category of my Narcissistic mother’s behaviour. So I have been feeling all those familiar simptoms for 2 days already (anger and agitated emotions (rotten feelings) in my stomach). Still I would like to learn the most from this situation…

    My Stranger “Selfishness” has changed a lot during the last few days. From very cold and indifferent woman she turned into a beautiful Goddess with the smiling eyes.

    She had appeared in my mind again and I felt more stronger and vibration in the stomach stopped. I feel that I am ready to carry on with a feeling message tomorrow and to be opened. I will try to be warm and vulnerable as well.

    Love you