I Need Your Help On My New Program for Moms

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desertmomIf you’re a single mom, please comment for me here (or email me privately) and let me know how you manage to Circular Date – or even to date the traditional,  one-man-at-a-time way.

How you handle baby-sitting, when and how you let a man interact with your children, how you manage your time, what’s the best kind of date – time, place, activity, etc. …

I have many ideas about unusual and non-traditional ways things can go – one is about the possibility of a much more casual kind of Circular Dating, where you let a man meet your kids not necessarily because he’s a “keeper,” but because he might be “fun” – and I want to check that out with you and get your opinions on all of this.

I know you’re truly in the “trenches” – and I want to make sure any advice I give is well researched.

When my daughter was growing up (she’s not a child anymore!), I had it easy. I had a great husband who was also a great, doting, present father.

And yet, I remember the near-constant triggering of trying to balance motherhood and marriage, my own needs and desires and everyone else’s, and work and family.

If you’re a married mom, or in a relationship – please let me know how anything you’ve found in my book, programs and blog have helped you day-to-day.

I won’t use your name in the program – and your stories and opinions themselves will be incredibly helpful. Please write in comments here, or, if you’d rather be private, email me at Rori@CoachRori.com.

Love, Rori

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110 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on June 5, 2014 at 10:11 am

    I have had reservations about exposing my kids to men too casually.



  2.  #2Phoenix on June 5, 2014 at 11:12 am

    I feel following your instincts is best way to truly determine the time. If you are seeing red flags about a man, even if it’s been months, I would not mix the two. In circular dating I only let the man meet the kids in passing. Long term relationships I allowed a bit more exposure but did not introduce him as a person I was in a relationship with. Felt much more comfortable about that. Children get attached more quickly than adults. Breakups impact the children deeply.



  3.  #3Azure Blu on June 5, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    Most of the time my children did NOT meet my cds when I was raising my kids.
    As Phoenix mentioned… children get attached so easily… they give their love so sweetly…
    My children had a traumatic separation from their father and so they experienced PTSD!

    the last time I dated a man for 2 years (after NOT dating for 7 years) and he spent much time with my children… we broke up and my son was sooo devastated I didn’t date again for 8 years and my son had left the house.
    As their parent alllll that mattered to me was that I protect them as best I could and
    I did have control of that part of their lives…
    So I learned about a love that cares more about another person and puts their lives first!
    I always say:
    I feel my children raised me to be the best person I could be! :-}



  4.  #4Azure Blu on June 5, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    PS
    Also I was always choosing the “bad boys” and pushing the “good guys away”
    I got so confused about WHY I couldn’t be with the right men
    I quit dating and just worked on getting ME to a better place!!
    Too bad I didn’t have Rori back then!
    BUT better late than NEVER!! :->



  5.  #5Kyla on June 5, 2014 at 1:02 pm

    I told my kids I was dating and explained that I was going to be meeting new people and making new friends. I did a lot of online dating as its hard to get out by myself. I met men for coffees or lunch during work hours so that I didn’t need a sitter. My family helped out with free babysitting one night a week and when I was asked on dates where I would need to pay for a sitter I would let the man pay for it 🙂 I mostly didn’t introduce my kids although I let the man pick me up from home. On the occasions where they did meet, it was just as friends and we would do something like a relaxed play date/family type activity. I felt very protective of my kids meeting men so it was seldom this happened and only when the man had kids too. I wanted to be very open with my kids about CDing as I wanted to set a positive example of ‘courting’, to my 12 year old daughter especially. I didn’t talk about the men but would tell them about the date, where he was taking me, if he bought me something etc. I also CD’d my kids at the same time, making sure I scheduled as many dinners, movies and fun days out with them as I was having without. I didn’t have the men in my home, in my kids space, at any stage until I met my keeper. My kids are my family, my family is my priority and a man who’s not my husband is not family. It was important to me to keep our home as our sanctuary. Before Ninja moved in I sat down with my kids and talked to them, listened to any concerns they had and made sure they were included in any changes that were taking place. Although scheduling CDing and kids was tough it also helped me as I made it a strength. I was naturally not readily available to a man and as I was scheduling time with my kids as well my availability was even more limited, so my degree of difficulty came built-in 🙂



  6.  #6Surferchica on June 5, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    My kids were teens when I started dating. They knew I was going out, but I did not bring men home or introduce my kids to any man until I was quite sure I felt he was likely to be around me for awhile.

    The first man I dated consistently after my divorce, I kept secret from my kids. I only saw him when they were with their dad. They didn’t even know he existed for over a year. I felt it necessary in the early stages of divorce to let my kids adjust to the loss of mom and dad together without introducing another person into the mix.

    My parents divorced when I was a teen and they were into new people right away. It was awful for me. I also didn’t like my mom bringing men home as it was just the two of us in our apt and I didn’t like the feeling of my invaded space and privacy by men I didn’t know or like.

    When I was CDing after the break up with the first man, I told my kids I was dating. Now the divorce was final for over a year. I would go out and usually meet the man somewhere. I didn’t have the man over if my kids were home.

    Once I was to the point where I knew I was going to be exclusive with a man, I invited him to public events where my kids would be. For instance, my daughter was in marching band and we went to the football games to watch. However, my BF would go to the food stand during 3rd quarter so my daughter could come to visit with me without having to deal with him too.

    Eventually, after about four months, I invited him to watch TV at my house. He was a mellow person. My son (16 at the time) was cool with him, but my daughter (14) was unwilling to even say hello. BF was kind and quiet and not pushy in the least.

    He consistently came with me to her events.

    After several months, my daughter began to say hello to him. Three years later, they are closer than he is to any of my other adult kids (I have five). They formed a bond of trust. Having this man attend her events and get to know her world was key.

    Re: sex. Initially we only had sex at my house when the kids were gone. Then sometimes BF stayed over only after kids were asleep and he’d leave before they woke up. I never stayed at his place if my kids were home and in town.

    BF now spends every weekend with us and they enjoy him.

    To me, the key is going slow slow slow—slower than you want to. The feelings of the kids are super super important. The man must be gentle and kind, no parenting, no insertion of what he thinks they should do or be. The kids owe the new man nothing and I would be highly suspicious of any boyfriend who was put off by a cranky or initially rude child.

    To me, the man is a luxury of my life, not essential to my life. Kids first.



  7.  #7Surferchica on June 5, 2014 at 1:49 pm

    P.S. To your question of meeting the kids because he “might be fun…” I would never do that. I find that disrespectful of the kids.

    This is dating, not making friends. Dating has a whole other level of energy to it. You are evaluating this man all the time—he’s not a casual friend. You are deciding if you want to see him, share with him, have sex with him, be close and personal with him. If the kids enjoy this man, it clouds your vision and complicates your own judgments.

    If the man is right for you, and you have ascertained that before he ever meets your kids, you have a better shot at his making a good connection with your children at that point. He won’t be performing to try to impress you—the level of security with you will be established first.

    It is difficult to CD and have small children, I would imagine. But honestly—small children deserve the lion’s share of your attention as their mother, anyway. Divorce is hard enough without adding a man who is not a relative to the mix for them. Plenty of life will follow the grown up children for the mom. It’s worth waiting, in my opinion.



  8.  #8Azure Blu on June 5, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    Surfershica!!!
    WOW!!! I agreee with ALL you have written!!!
    Soooo well put!



  9.  #9Stephanie DiPilato on June 5, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    Hi Rori.
    I am a single mom. And I purchased all your programs a few years ago. And I would advise single moms not to introduce any men to their children unless that are sure that they are committed. But I would be honest. If they were old enough. And tell them that I need to be happy too. So I am going to date some men to see who or if there is someone out there for me for the future. I would also put my kids needs b4 any mans. And sometimes if kids are introduced too soon. They will either get attached to the man and then have to go through that loss. And it’s hard enough for children these days. And look at dating as more fun than serious and enjoy each date the kids will have their opinions. My advise to that is LISTEN to them. But not to the pointy that they think they can be the boss of your love life. They can so sometimes be jealous. But they can also see things like red flags that we nay not see.



  10.  #10luzydel on June 5, 2014 at 7:07 pm

    I do not bring men around my son; Even now when he’s older. One day CaptainCD was outside and I went to talk and my son was walking the dog so I introduce him as a friend; hiding would have been worse or rude. But bringing someone home to watch a movie an interact? No, unless it is VERY serious and committed.



  11.  #11Daria on June 5, 2014 at 7:54 pm

    ugh so i felt attacked by my mom and then dad

    props to me for not freaking out and using FM and don’t want

    and ‘we can talk when we both feel calmer”

    i got chased into a room

    dramatic urge here to think: really got chased all around the house, from kitchen to outside and then to room… sigh followed around to be argued with

    mom comes in to say she’s not mad at me and argue with me in agressive tones

    then dad saying i cant rule everyone they will rebel

    i only want to be protected and have somewhere to be able to GO when i wanna do the walkaway

    i feel sad and furiously pist off when im followed aruond the house with loud protests to open the door that i locked to have some safety space

    great job to me for communicating that i felt scared



  12.  #12Daria on June 5, 2014 at 8:03 pm

    ouch. this triggers me bec theres so many judgements out there around this ‘meet kids subject’ that are really unnecessary

    triggered for example about the coment about meeting the man that might be fun being ‘disrespectful’

    feeling bad reading that what is the disrespect in that, maybe wondering if i understood the question as being fun for the kids and family rather than just the mom

    i feel triggered when people judge moms for having men meet their kids and nto making a big deal out of it… moms i know are not usually tripping off of it and seem more relaxed

    at one time in the past i think i ws so afraid of this kinda concept and subject that i thought it would be traumatic for kids to meet a new person, mayhbe it would if the underlying taboo beliefs are there

    the people who dealt with it casually that i know seem to be healthy and the kids relaxed

    i feel surprised to see how much life experience and new beliefs have changed my perspectives from fear and pain to living and experiencing and trust and relaxation in life



  13.  #13Surferchica on June 5, 2014 at 9:12 pm

    Hi Daria.

    Not trying to trigger you.

    >> this triggers me bec theres so many judgements out there around this ‘meet kids subject’ that are really unnecessary<>triggered for example about the coment about meeting the man that might be fun being ‘disrespectful’<>the people who dealt with it casually that i know seem to be healthy and the kids relaxed<<

    I am curious to hear from women who have tried what Rori suggests. I find it nearly impossible to evaluate how kids are reacting to divorce and new love interests from the outside—observing them doesn't mean I know how they are on the inside. It would be interesting to hear more.

    Daria, do you have kids? How have you handled dating and children?



  14.  #14Kyla on June 5, 2014 at 9:23 pm

    Yeah Daria. When I relax about the kids, they relax too. Also Im constantly introducing them to colleagues, clients and people I meet at activities so they are used to meeting new people and its no big deal. When I had Ninja over to the house for pizza and a movie they didnt so much as raise an eyebrow.



  15.  #15Surferchica on June 5, 2014 at 9:23 pm

    Oops! I goofed up my response.

    Sorry about that!

    I left out a couple of things. Daria, I am a child of divorce so some of my comments come from that place as well. No one would have known my sibs and I had a hard time with the various people our parents brought into our lives. Yet we did. We were good at being friendly, polite, and kind…and inside, resentful and angry, which came out years later.

    The word “fun” triggers me. Sometimes adults use it to get kids to go along with their agenda. For instance, how can a child say they don’t want another man along at a soccer game? What if the mom says, “Let’s bring Dan. Won’t it be fun? We can get pizza.” Kids aren’t likely to say, “I don’t want Dan” when he is standing right there, or even if he isn’t.

    What’s the point of Dan? That’s my question.

    I know from my own life, too, that the new person requires attention and energy. Unlike marriage where the husband and wife represent a unit, a boyfriend/CD is an additional appendage requiring care and attention independent of the kids, particularly because the woman doesn’t know this man well.

    I may not be strong enough to handle all those competing impulses.

    I will say this: the way BF entered our family was so nicely accomplished, even my ex-husband thanked me for how he was slowly included. We all love him and he loves all of us. Just tonight he showed up with pie because he knows my 17 year old daughter loves pie. He is fun.

    But it didn’t start that way. It took time.

    I do know my ex has various women in and out of my kids’ lives and they are handling it okay—but they are much older now (17-27) and they don’t live with their dad so it’s intermittent—not in their home.

    It’s with these thoughts in mind that I shared. No judgment, and certainly no intention to trigger anyone. Rori hopefully will get feedback from women who have done it differently, too.

    Daria, I hope you’ll share if you date and have children.



  16.  #16Surferchica on June 5, 2014 at 9:25 pm

    Kyla, how old are your kids? Do you show affection to the new person when he comes for pizza or is he more friend than date?



  17.  #17Surferchica on June 5, 2014 at 9:37 pm

    Kyla, never mind. I just read your other post. 🙂 Sounds lovely!



  18.  #18Indigo on June 6, 2014 at 12:14 am

    Surferchica,

    Personally, I love your perspective. I don’t have children, but my parents divorced when my brother and I were very little, and the way their new people were introduced into our lives was very insensitively handled. The divorce itself was a violent and acrimonious affair.

    With my parents and their new love interests, there was a definite and very strong element of pressure to accept these new people, whatever our own feelings might have been, to be “polite” and “no trouble”, even when our boundaries were roundly trampled. It makes me feel so sad for my little girl when I think back on it. I had a truly horrific experience with my second stepmother, and was so bulldozed over in the whole situation that it has damaged my relationship with my father beyond repair.

    So yes, I am inclined to agree with your slow and gentle approach… giving everybody time to acclimatize and adjust to the changes, and most of all, showing respect to everyone. I think it’s great 🙂 I wish my parents had handled it like that.



  19.  #19Sirenity on June 6, 2014 at 3:22 am

    I introduced my kids to two men who I was in relationship with , the first suddenly disappeared after a year and hurt my kids quite a lot , but I explained he had moved away for work.

    The next one turned everything casual as soon as I had introduced him and the kids saw a little of him as my “friend” on and off over the years as he lived nearby. I did not introduce any man as my partner for years after that , until my kids were 19 and 22 in fact 🙂 I did not want to blend my family with anyone else’s and i did not want to put my kids through any more stress than the divorce and shared custody entailed. My ex husband felt the same and kept his long term girlfriend out of his home till all their kids had grown.

    I dated a lot when the kids were with their dad alternate weeks and I kept it away from the town where the kids were living (i worked away part time in the city ) . As a result i was seen as “unavailable” by some men in the city I dated , but my kids came first. They met a couple of “dating as friends only ” guys who would come and take me out to lunch and would generally tell me the guys weren’t good enough for me 🙂 Hopefully i set the example of getting to know people and dating as a way of socialising .

    Now they have left home and I have a good man in my life. His kids are also grown. My young men are fabulous successful and such inspiring young people. I am so glad I didn’t try and “blend”another family into their lives or move them to another city.



  20.  #20Sirenity on June 6, 2014 at 3:36 am

    Overall the kids came first and I wanted them to feel secure and loved more than i wanted a man to love me .After prodigious dating, I waited twelve years for a quality relationship , and now its blossoming. Both my kids live away now at College and I really feel good about how my ex and I handled things.



  21.  #21CurvySiren10 on June 6, 2014 at 5:57 am

    I am 100% on board with both Surferchica and Sirenty with this one. I am not a child of divorce, but my own children are, and it was my decision. I am uber sensitive to what this means somehow and it’s comforting to hear from Surferchica on her own childhood perspective, (Indigo too) about how critical it is to do this slowly, carefully, deliberately. I have been careful to the point of militant commitment about this. VERY, ever-so-slowly (over the course of years) getting them used to the idea of me even being with someone else. I am also extremely averse to the idea of ‘blending’ lives, moving in together etc. It just doesn’t feel right. It may never feel right, but it certainly doesn’t now…while they still spend weekends and other times with me (home base is with their stay-home dad). As SC mentioned, I never want them to feel awkward being in MY home because a ‘stranger’ (to them) is living there.

    Honestly I am sorta dumbfounded by women who do this so easily and without care/thought to it. I have felt like I’m too extreme about this, but hearing some of the Siren perspectives here has helped me see that no, I’m not alone. It feels great.

    I left my marriage because I knew the time had come to put me first. To regain myself (in oh-so-many ways) and be whole again, so I was able to continue functioning professionally and supporting my family both emotionally and financially. But that “selfishness” had to stop at that point. It was hard enough knowing I had decided to ‘destroy’ the family unit. I had to protect them at that point from further damage. This was my first priority. I do believe over time, they have adjusted well, but I believe that is BECAUSE I insisted on doing this in a way that put their well-being and needs first.

    It’s worth noting that I’m lucky and fortunate to have someone in my life who has given me this space and understands/accepts my boundaries. I do believe some men would feel put off/rejected by it, but then again…that would not be the man for me. 🙂



  22.  #22Azure Blu on June 6, 2014 at 6:26 am

    Daria #10
    Wow!!!
    I feel YOUR Power in sharing your
    FM with your mom and dad!! YOU’RE amazing Siren!!

    It sounds very upsetting to be followed from room to room and you feeling trapped…
    I’m wondering…Could you have gone for an hour walk at any point during the interaction?
    What do you think?



  23.  #23Femininewoman on June 6, 2014 at 6:35 am

    I remember as a kid telling my mom that if she and my dad should ever break up she should never bring another man in the house. I had just begun becoming aware of how women in the society turned their backs on their daughters who dared to speak up rape and sexual harassment by their mothers boyfriends. The mothers refused to listen to or believe their kids being afraid to lose the man who was providing for them.



  24.  #24Azure Blu on June 6, 2014 at 6:59 am

    It has been awhile since my children have left my care – they are 33 and 30
    Both are doing VERY well emotionally and otherwise…
    I too feel that is in part because I put their lives and care first in my life
    I feel VERY proud of this!! This is one part of my life
    I feel NO REGRETS!! Yay me!!!

    But, honestly, I felt such JOY, Happiness and Blessing to have the privilege to raise these two AMAZING human beings!!
    They loved to play, laugh, learn, sing and love
    They were into sooo many sports
    I made them choose one each..,
    Dressage (a from of horse training) and hockey
    and I had sooo much excitement and soo many amazing hours that I will NEVER forget!!!

    Something CurvySiren10 wrote reminded me of another reason I didn’t date much when I was raising my children…
    The sheer amount of mental and physical stamina it took to maintain my professional and emotional
    well being while furthering my career was overwhelming!
    The entire time I was raising my children I got ZERO
    child support (another area of forgiveness I still work on)
    and not much help from either side of the families.,,,

    Sooo all of the financial stability was on me
    NOT much time for dating there…
    also as the children got older- 12-18
    It actually took more and more time…

    BUT… when they were raised
    I started dating
    and I had lots of time for me,,,



  25.  #25Azure Blu on June 6, 2014 at 7:15 am

    Love Goddess,
    You Are Welcome!! (((hugs)))
    ;-}



  26.  #26Sirenity on June 6, 2014 at 7:36 am

    Here ,here Curvy! Your authenticity shines through.I am sure your children feel well loved and secure.



  27.  #27Azure Blu on June 6, 2014 at 7:49 am

    FW #22
    Yes,,, I too have heard sad, sad stories



  28.  #28Azure Blu on June 6, 2014 at 8:14 am

    Goddess of Love #308
    from last thread…
    This may be too late…
    I just had something like this happen to me
    But is was My Bf, at the time, asking Me
    to go on a cruise (He would pay for everything)
    and I was broke…
    I first said yes thinking work would come in
    and I would have some spending money
    But later on I saw bills come in I hadn’t
    anticipated and began feeling not good
    about going…
    I shared with him I really couldn’t go
    I REALLY wanted to go as I had NEVER
    gone on a cruise and he and I were
    getting along soo well.

    He had a very difficult time understanding
    why I wouldn’t go IF HE was paying for everything.

    I was Feeling soooo depressed, out of control,
    ANXIOUS, afraid and Soo wrong
    when my finances are not good,
    and I’m a woman,,,
    I believe men are even more upset under
    the circumstances you have describe with J (loosing his job,,, living off of savings).

    I didn’t go on the cruise and he was SOOO
    angry we ultimately broke up…
    but he did end up apologizing for reacting
    the way he did..
    But he showed qualities I was not happy with.
    “When people show you who they are…
    Believe them the first time.” Maya Angelou

    Not sure if this is helpful… :-}



  29.  #29Surferchica on June 6, 2014 at 10:29 am

    Wanted to add:

    Divorce, even when necessary, is never the option any child wants. No child wants to be from a family where divorce is the best option. They want to be from a family where both parents love each other forever. While married, kids imagine that the problems in the family are smaller than the love.

    When you get a divorce, you say to a child (in essence) that the problems in the family are bigger than the love. A devastating realization for a small or even teen person.

    When a mom (for the sake of this discussion) dates a new person, the children know that the mom is *preferring* that new man to the original dad. That’s pretty rough for kids! They share genes (usually) with the original dad. They want to believe they have awesome parents, not flawed to the point where their mom wants some other guy. It takes time to have the maturity to understand adult relationships and needs.

    To me, you have to tread gingerly. In fact, sometimes the really good guys can be threatening because kids don’t want to think of their dad as not being as good a person as the man mom is dating. I didn’t like the pressure to like the new people. My parents didn’t expect me to, but the boyfriend and girlfriend both did! Irritated me.

    Other times, kids may like the new man and in the mom’s attempt to create a new “normal” family, they reject the original dad to be loyal to the new mom (that’s happened to my boyfriend). Brutal!

    I admire those of you who have made dating a pleasant experience for yourselves without requiring the kids to also bond to the man. I feel glad that my kids have gotten to experience a new, kind, gentle man and still have a good relationships with their dad. It’s been challenging.

    All of this is tender, sensitive stuff. I couldn’t do any of it without therapy.



  30.  #30Surferchica on June 6, 2014 at 10:30 am

    Typo: Other times, kids may like the new man and in the mom’s attempt to create a new “normal” family, they reject the original dad to be loyal to the new man (that’s happened to my boyfriend). Brutal!



  31.  #31CurvySiren10 on June 6, 2014 at 10:41 am

    I really appreciate your insight and sharing Surferchica. I have grappled with this so much over the past few years, I can’t begin to tell you. I agree with you 100% and feel really happy with how I’ve chosen to do this. I’ve had many people try to rush me along or convince me that I owe it to my kids to tell them everything, share everything with them etc. I do not agree. It’s never felt right to me. I’m doing it in a way that makes sense to ME and my relationship with them feels better than ever as a result. They are getting older and more mature in the meantime, as they slowly adjust to these dramatic changes.



  32.  #32sophie on June 6, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    I feel so weary to the bone and I feel I need to go right back to the beginning now I am a single woman but a single woman emerging from another experience which will have changed me.

    Life doesn’t stop! I don’t want to date right now.I want everything neat and tidy and boxed off in my head. I don’t like feeling confused. I like things feeling simple but…men chat me up and sometimes, like today, I accidentally let them slip through. And….more than likely I am soooo primed to let the wrong one slip through…which is why I do it (probably). ‘Chemistry’ – generally they are too young, charming and have some kind of intensity that turns me on – ugggghhhhh

    I had not too young as a bottom line for a long time – I got caught off guard today. I need new bottom lines – maaannnnnn has B brought up so many bottom lines.

    My new bottom lines…….I have resistance to writing any?! I don’t want to date.Period. Not until my head is straight. And, I’ve had some time to date me. But…now I am being contacted by this man and I am tempted – conflicted tempted-conflicted – sounds like addiction doesn’t it? BUt…who knows what we can learn from who? Does anyone have any thoughts for me?

    Note to self: I often let them slip through the net when I am tired and vulnerable. This has been one hell of an intense week right off the back of nearly three years of intensity. I really need space for me – right?

    I wonder though about the young ones what it is I find attractive – maybe because I’m feeling lacking in my own youth and vitality – it feels uplifting – that’s exactly what it feels – less weight from the responsibilities – more fun…xxx

    I can’t comment on the mum’s and children as I don’t have any and my parents remain married – I’d love Rori to do a post though on the ‘pressure of the biological clock for those of us who are dating and have longings for a child’ – please Rori? 🙂 xxx



  33.  #33sophie on June 6, 2014 at 12:47 pm

    1) I want a man who doesn’t make me cry all the time
    2) I want a man who is caring rather than selfish and doesn’t always put himself first
    3) I want a man who is fun and positive to be around
    4) I want a man who takes me out and includes me with his friends and family
    5) I want a man with emotional maturity
    6) I want a kind and tender man
    7) I want a man with an adventurous and uplifting imagination
    8) I want a man who is supportive of me
    9) I want a man who understands a storm is just a storm and storms pass
    10) I want a man who is good for my mental and emotional well-being



  34.  #34Azure Blu on June 6, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    sopie #33
    Thank you darling Siren

    Those are some of the VERY same things I want
    I am borrowing that list!!
    :0>



  35.  #35Indigo on June 6, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    sophie 33,

    Love it <3

    I want a man I can laugh with.

    Someone who is just mine – and yes, I can share him some of the time – but in the end, he is just mine.



  36.  #36sophie on June 6, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    ((((Azure Blue)))) I’ve had way too much of the opposite x I feel fed up with accepting so little I want the best for myself x I really really really want to want that on every layer of my being xxx i feel so tired of suffering x I want to claim something else for myself xxx



  37.  #37Azure Blu on June 6, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    (((sophie)))
    YOU deserve all of this and MORE!!

    I remember suffering with BK for over a year (2 year relationship)
    This was my turning point…
    I realized I DO Deserve the best!! I DO LOVE ME!!
    when I stopped treating ME badly
    with RR’s tools
    I was able to ask
    for what I DID want
    and move on quickly
    if the guys were not ready or willing to give me
    these things!!
    YAY US!!!
    :->



  38.  #38sophie on June 6, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    Yes Indigo – that too 🙂

    And I desperately want a man who understands if i’m tired I might be cranky and helps with the tiredness

    If I’m stressed I might be cranky and helps with the stress

    If I’m overwhelmed I might need support or help

    And I know I have responsibility to express my needs and wants but I want a man who gets it when I do and sometimes even gets it before I do (in-fact mostly does). And I also understand I need to be able to meet my own needs and I can but I don’t need a man who doesn’t meet my needs and makes the symptoms worse than they were in the first place.

    Are those wants okay or am expecting too much from my wanted man? – that’s a genuine question?



  39.  #39Azure Blu on June 6, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Sophie,
    In my mind… NO NOT too much to ASK!!

    And I have noticed
    when I GET MORE CLEAR with what I DO WANT
    I get closer and closer to MY wanted MAN

    I will add those to my list also ;-}



  40.  #40Indigo on June 6, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    sophie 32,

    Yes, I can identify in a big way. And what I can say is, if your instincts are telling you to take some space for you, then do that. Other people, men included, will always be there, knocking on your door, asking if you’re ready yet. This would be a great time to exercise boundaries with men, in my opinion. That is what I am doing.

    I know I need to take time to myself, and whether it makes sense to other people, or even myself in my fearful times, is irrelevant. I know at a deep down, soul level that I need to take time and space. And so I set boundaries for my interactions with men, that feel peaceful to me. I know I don’t need to have all the answers right now, but I just gently ask the people who come into my life to respect what I need and if they stay that’s great… if they go, they are not the right person for me.

    If you’ve had an intense time of it, and intensity can be draining for a sensitive person, give yourself enough time to decompress. Then figure out what you want and need in your life right now, then slowly and purposefully act it and communicate it. Attention from young and charming men is addicting, but if you know you have this pattern you can be more purposeful with it.



  41.  #41sophie on June 6, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    Thank you Azure Blue – I want to practice this a lot – its okay to want what I want (and expect to receive it)

    Thank you Indigo you articulated that so beautifully – yes ideal for practising boundaries. I know from the bottomlessness (:)) of my soul I need time to figure out what I want and need in my life right now …I really am trying to make moves to free up finances and rent somewhere in a sunny place over the winter so my life is not very conducive to additional distractions – it’s all about a happy home and a successful creative career. And B moving on… Apart from that, psychically (as you say) I need a lot of space from men right now whilst I process and regroup…younger man asked me when I was available earlier. I replied in a week or so would feel good as I’ve had a lot on and I’m feeling the need for some time to myself. What he does with that is what he does with that. I spoke my truth. xxx



  42.  #42sophie on June 6, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    I need to pour all the loving energy into myself and my needs and my health and regaining my energy – again I don’t really want a man involved just yet. I want to be strong and happy and in tune with myself again.



  43.  #43sophie on June 6, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    In relation to 41 – what he does with that…also I should say what I decide to do with that if he contacts – I will feel clearer in a week and if I don’t then I’ll say xxx



  44.  #44Azure Blu on June 6, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    sophie,
    (((hugs)))

    YOU should give YOURSELF a Gentle, loving hug!!!
    YOU are listening carefully to what YOU want…
    You are treating YOURSELF with
    Tender, LOVE…
    Gently giving YOURself TIME
    Gently giving YOURself space to grow

    I have found the MORE
    Tender, Love I gently
    Give to ME
    The More my Self esteem soars
    and I started finding I could
    Open my cage door and
    and carefully step outside
    and carefully unfold my wings
    It IS MAGICAL…. sigh…



  45.  #45Daria on June 6, 2014 at 7:34 pm

    im feleing triggered and a bit tightened up and unloved

    its my bday weekend and im asking my mom to buy me stuff i need as in soap and stuff. and she’s kinda havn a hard time paying attention and my dad looks pist

    i think she told him something about me earlier that upset him , because i heard him yelling in a way that said that to me

    now hes kinda ignoring me and im getting somewhat of an attitude tho she’s trying and im getting what ima sking for, theres just lots of q about cost and just feels like its so hard for her to say yes ‘if you need it’ etc

    i feel PIST honestly as im writing this i feel so PIST at being treated this way and jerked around all my life by these people



  46.  #46Daria on June 6, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    when i tell her my goals and dreams i can feel her go stony hard and get all scared and i can tell she’s spelling against me



  47.  #47Daria on June 6, 2014 at 7:37 pm

    i feel irritated and judgemental of people

    i think the wifi is affecting me and my liver level and making me feel cranky

    and i gt attitude like its my fault UGH

    I feel so rageful inside and so calm and pasted over that on hte outside can’t even touch the rageful, i just know its there cuz i feel like blaming and cussing



  48.  #48Phoenix on June 6, 2014 at 8:27 pm

    Omg, it’s literally RAINING MEN!



  49.  #49Phoenix on June 6, 2014 at 8:34 pm

    These men are compelled to follow me! One guy said I was beautiful and INVITING. Wow!



  50.  #50Phoenix on June 6, 2014 at 8:35 pm

    Arrows coming at me!



  51.  #51Indigo on June 6, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    (((Daria)))

    I hope the skies clear soon for you, and that you have a happy and fulfilling birthday weekend.



  52.  #52Indigo on June 6, 2014 at 10:07 pm

    Sirens,

    It is my first market today and I’m leaving soon.

    I’m excited!



  53.  #53Azure Blu on June 7, 2014 at 8:21 am

    Good Luck Indigo!!!
    Do you take your jewelry you design to this market?



  54.  #54Azure Blu on June 7, 2014 at 8:22 am

    Daria,
    Happy Birthday darling Siren!!!
    hugs and kisses

    May you receive allllll the blessings you are asking for and MORE!!
    😉



  55.  #55Azure Blu on June 7, 2014 at 8:23 am

    Phoenix,
    Mmmmmm…. NOTHING better than a sky full of men wanting to be with YOU!!
    ;-*>



  56.  #56Indigo on June 7, 2014 at 9:05 am

    Hi Azure Blu,

    Thank you so much 🙂

    Yes, it’s fantasy and Irish-inspired jewellery… as well as animals and creatures I love. All a mythical theme



  57.  #57Andrea on June 7, 2014 at 9:43 am

    I’m a single mom. My daughters are 13 and 15.

    I am a child of divorce. I always resented my father for leaving us. I always resented my mother for getting involved right away with a new man.

    Growing up, I never felt perfectly safe in my own home. I always had to “cover up”, defer to the man, and he was very domineering.

    I promised myself, raising two daughters, that I would never make them feel like someone else had control over their home.

    I was very rigid. I did not date for eleven years. I told myself I was being a good mom, putting my girls first, and concentrated on running my business and raising two children.

    I didn’t start dating until two years ago when my girls started to come home and say they had this boyfriend now or that girlfriend now. I realized that they had never seen healthy adult relationship interaction. I had just avoided that whole aspect of life.

    So, now we are kind of crash coursing our way through Mommy seeing men. hah! My girls had to get used to the idea that I was a “date-able” woman.

    I think I’m doing some things right. For instance, my daughters have a safe home environment and they are allowed to communicate with me when they feel uncomfortable.

    I’ve had CD’s that take us all out for dinner, and even one time when I was sick, my daughter asked one of them to pick up dinner and drop it off.

    I’ve had trips with a man and my daughters.

    But, as yet, we have never met anyone that we want coming over to our home and feeling too comfortable here. It is still very much a female domain and sometimes I feel it might too impenetrable.

    I feel hopeful that when the right man comes along, that together he and I and my daughters will be able to cooperate and find a reasonable and happy experience.

    So far, my dating life hasn’t interrupted my role as a mom. In fact, it has enhanced it as all of my CD’s are the type of men who are very concerned with the care of my daughters…. in small ways. They’ve paid for summer clothes, or to get bikes fixed, or helped them pay for Mother’s Day gifts for me… etc…

    But none of them have ever made my daughters feel an attachment. I think it’s because my daughters are both old enough now that I can simply explain, “This is a man that I’m dating but right now it isn’t that serious.”

    I date a lot. But I don’t have men coming and going out of my home, heart, or bed. Above all I want my daughters to know they are always safe and always first in my heart.

    I honestly don’t think there is any one right way. I like the idea of exploring different ways that might work for different kinds of experiences. I’m sure I made a lot of mistakes. But, my girls are pretty well adjusted and happy.

    And… for the most part… so am I.



  58.  #58Indigo on June 7, 2014 at 9:52 am

    Andrea,

    I had the same experience: “Growing up, I never felt perfectly safe in my own home. I always had to “cover up”, defer to the man, and he was very domineering.”

    I am so in awe of the moms in this blog.



  59.  #59Azure Blu on June 7, 2014 at 12:59 pm

    Andrea #27
    Agreed…
    There are MANY paths to happy, healthy children!!



  60.  #60sophie on June 7, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    Happy Birthday weekend Daria!!!! (((Daria))))

    How did it go Indigo?!!!!

    I need to talk to B about how angry and frightened I feel. The solicitors are trying to negotiate a settlement as court has been postponed until i don’t know when. I feel afraid that B is going to accept a too low amount because he doesn’t want to do any of the work. He wanted to accept £500 the other day when the schedule of losses is £23K and more. I have worked for 9 months preparing this case for him and then when it comes to his turn that’s what he wants. To back out…for £500. He even said he thought well I’ll take her out for dinner and it will all be over…I could hardly breathe I felt so let down…but it’s me that’s done it to myself, no? So I have to accept it if he does this? I managed to talk to him about his fear-driven thinking and he refused the offer but we’re now in further negotiations with solicitors. He didn’t want to discuss what counter offer to make and went out so I discussed it with someone else because I needed to reply to the solicitor. I was then reprimanded for ‘chatting about his business’. I can see how taking a lower amount works for him, he’s done none of hours and hours of work and I’m the one with all the debt from having him live here. We haven’t spoken since and I took pharmaceuticals to block him out of my head 🙁

    I feel disappointed, frightened, exasperated, scared – the court case closure was also the way I could foresee him leaving peaceably and now I don’t know what 🙁 I feel arrrgghhhhh



  61.  #61sophie on June 7, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    I will talk to him. I will tell him how I feel. He probably will listen if I choose my time correctly. I resent having to choose my time correctly – I do! And I resent that it always has to be me that ‘smooths things over’. I need to talk to him and let him know how I feel before he’s made another offer. If he then accepts, whatever the offer is I have to accept his decision but at least I need him to know how I feel before he makes that decision.

    How on earth would I say it in feeling messages?!

    I feel worried and afraid about these negotiations. I know that you want this to be over and I do too. I feel afraid that if the amount accepted is too low I will feel disappointed that it does not reflect the amount of time and effort I have put in. what do you think?

    Something like that?! xxx



  62.  #62Azure Blu on June 7, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    Sophie #61
    This sounds Fantastic!!! Yes, to me this makes sooo much since…
    No blaming
    you are simply stating your feelings.
    Good luck…

    I am praying that he will try harder to get a better deal!
    Let’s visualize that together!! :-}



  63.  #63Carrot on June 7, 2014 at 5:40 pm

    Hi All,

    I am a single mum of two girls aged 10 and 13, living in a small country town in Australia.

    I’d like to share my story…

    I divorced the girls dad when they were 2 and 5 years old. I didn’t date for a year, feeling the need to settle after the upheaval of the divorce. Then after a few casual relationships, I met a farmer who I thought was the man of my dreams. After a year and a half, I moved to the country from the city, with my girls, to live with him and his four kids (from 2 ex-wives. – and yes, I can hear you say that this was a red flag, but at the time I was in love and thought I was making a good decision).

    I left my friends, family, house, the girls school, all their friends, and the world they had known. Into a house with 3 teenage boys who were out of control and rude and dismissive to me, ignored my daughters, drank, took drugs and were promiscuous. And a 7 year old girl who has sever anxiety and mild OCD. Of course I didn’t know this before moving in or I would never have done so. The farmer ( my partner) did nothing about the constant stress caused by the boys, hid his head in the sand, and blamed me for not being a patient enough/good enough step mother. In their eyes I was the evil witch stepmother, despite the enormous efforts I put in to trying to take care of them as well as protecting my girls. It was an awful two years, and ended (you are not going to believe this bit) with the farmer dumping me in order to be with the mother of his fifth child, who had been conceived with his sperm through anonymous sperm donation. She tracked him down with a few bits of information she had been given from the IVF company, and stalked him, manipulated him with constant ‘wooing’ . He ‘fell for ‘ this, seeing her behind my back for months before we broke up.

    At the end of it I was devastated by the two years of high stress, the endless lies and betrayal and the simple absurdity of the whole situation. I had gone into it with such high hopes and pure motives, and ended up in this quagmire of a situation.

    I am slowly recovering, 6 months later about to move into my beautiful new house back closer to the city and my previous life. I have lost a lot, financially, socially, and emotionally. My girls have seemed to cope fairly well and we are closer now than ever.

    With regard to dating now I am a bit torn – I do want adult companionship, I miss having a partner, but I am soooo burnt by this last experience, I can’t trust a man at this point and more importantly, can’t trust my ability to choose someone with integrity. And I definitely don’t want to put my girls into any sort of similar situation. They were at risk of harm. Im so lucky that nothing seriously awful happened to them at his horrid house.

    I can’t ever imagine having the confidence to introduce a man to them at all in the future. Maybe when they are at uni! And yet I feel a bit sad about that, does that mean that I can’t fulfil that side of my life, will I be a lonely nun for the next ten years? Or can I manage to just date when they are at their dads house… At the moment I just feel sad and depleted and angry at the farmer and his new stalker ‘girlfriend’ and Im just looking to stop thinking about it and get happier. My self esteem feels at an all-time low and Im having trouble being social. I lost a lot of friends moving away from the city and I know I should just call them up and let people know Im struggling but I feel a bit embarrassed that I’ve failed a second time… most of my old friends are happily married to their first and only husbands and here am I staggering about after this whole scenario. I doubt myself all the time and I even found myself struggling not to cry at the gym the other day when the trainer told me I was punching wrongly!! I know this will get better with time, at the moment Im just doing the one day at a time thing.

    Actually typing this out it sounds so melodramatic, I know other people have much worse stories than mine, and I know I’ll get better bit by bit.

    Any advice I’d give – don’t ignore the red flags. Take more time than you think you need. If a situation feels bad constantly, then it is bad. And you need to leave before it becomes intolerable. If the person whose problem it is, is ignoring the problem, then you cannot fix it. These things I’ve learnt the hard way.

    Good luck to all the wonderful women who post here.

    Cheers,
    Carrot



  64.  #64luzydel on June 7, 2014 at 6:53 pm

    I tried staying on POF, but what is with the men just sending the “meet Me” feature and not actually sending an email? That website got so bad and I feel sad about it, I closed it; it is pathetic. I was reading about Howaboutwe.com has anyone tried it. It works as someone post a date/meet up idea and the other person accept it and then they meet. No Winks, or mediocre contact from men (I hope).



  65.  #65luzydel on June 7, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    I meant; Has anyone tried http://www.howaboutwe.com … Just wondering it seems great so far though I just joined, but it is very straight forward. No winks, or silly emailing that goes nowhere. Does it work?



  66.  #66Tereana on June 7, 2014 at 7:22 pm

    I am not a single mom, so I cannot comment on dating with children…



  67.  #67Tereana on June 7, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    Andrea, I love your approach. That sounds do amazing! Your girls are very lucky to have you as their mom!!!

    My 2 cents on the topic, I guess based on that would be I bet it makes a big difference whether the kids feel like they have a “voice” in the process. Not that they get veto or decision-making power over your own choices. But like when Andrea’s daughter was sick for example. I can imagine that kids can feel lost or confused in the process when parents are dating. I bet open communication and letting them speak about how they feel would go a long way for all parties. (Plus set then up with healthy communication strategies by allowing them to make feeling statements early!! Wow, that sounds amazing even to me…)



  68.  #68Tereana on June 7, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    Luzydel, I have not tried that one. Sounds nice : )



  69.  #69Tereana on June 7, 2014 at 7:38 pm

    I did something today. I actually did a lot of things.

    And I feel powerful.

    Well, I wish…I wish I felt more comfortable using my voice “in the moment.” When something emotionsl is happening for me, I often dissociate and I become “silent.” My voice hides and body language is all I’ve got – and I’m lucky if I’ve got that.

    So anyway. I did something which wa maybe not the bet thing in the world to do…but omg then I realized, my little girl is SO happy with me right now! She’s cheering me on and doing a dance, and I even let out a laugh. Wow! I got some support. I DID speak my truth – when I was calm enough to do it – and it felt GOOD. It felt right. It felt like my truth made sense – to more people than just me. Let’s count the people: five to one. She’s outnumbered.



  70.  #70Tereana on June 7, 2014 at 7:46 pm

    Spamming blog! Lol

    I did something else kind of funky today. I didn’t know if I would do this for real, but as I may have said, I’ve felt this urge to go to M’s town for a while now. Maybe I didn’t say that. But I’ve kept talking myself out of it.

    Well, today, I went to do this volunteer thing. And that was really great. And it was coincidentally located VERY close to M’s house. I’m talking a five-minute drive. And I’m not kidding – it was a pure coincidence.

    Well, it was a beautiful day. And I decided – heck – I will go to M’s house. Just see what’s up. Maybe he won’t even be home. Well, lo and behold, someone buzzed me in. And who answered the door? His mother! And his sister was there! And his dad! Lol. The whole family was there.

    And I had just a really pleasant time sitting there and visiting with them. It was probably really awkward for M, but it was EXACTLY what I needed.

    So I’m proud of myself. For having the guts to not shut myself down and back away out of fear.

    I deserve to follow my desires.

    And in that moment, my desire was simply to be there. There was no other agenda than that.

    And I am LOVING myself tonight. I feel very good about myself, and, well, I’m just loving me : )



  71.  #71RileyTheOwl on June 7, 2014 at 7:49 pm

    To all the mothers on this blog… I feel so amazed by all of you.
    All of you are incredible, but I just want to do a special shoutout to all of the mom’s. It’s also making me feel curious about my mother and how she sees dating around my sisters and I.
    Lot’s of love, xoxo <3



  72.  #72RileyTheOwl on June 7, 2014 at 7:53 pm

    Tereana, wow I really admire this…
    “So I’m proud of myself. For having the guts to not shut myself down and back away out of fear.

    I deserve to follow my desires.

    And in that moment, my desire was simply to be there. There was no other agenda than that.”

    That is really beautiful, and the concept of being there and not shutting yourself out… while totally just loving yourself and soaking up the experience… Yay you!!! I want to be more aware of having a “lack of agenda” and doing things like this totally for myself.



  73.  #73RileyTheOwl on June 7, 2014 at 8:01 pm

    I had a wonderful Friday and Saturday, actually I’ve just been feeling extremely happy lately. I’ve been filling my life with so many good things, C has been responding soo well to my new found level of confidence, he’s been like melting all over me every time he sees me 🙂 yesterday while we were walking home from school, he wouldn’t stop just grabbing me and nuzzling me and saying “I love you sooo much”. Teehee, I feel giggly just remembering how special I felt then. I still feel super special.
    He also said something interesting… he kind of just started ranting about things he likes about me, he talked about how “soft” I was and how he loved how soft my skin was and my body, and how I was soft in the sense that I felt warm and accepting.
    i was kind of shocked and really delighted that he was feeling the “softness” of my goddess-y energy and that I was appearing as a soft woman who he felt safe around.
    It just kind of felt like confirmation that I’ve really developed myself in so many ways. I feel like soaring.

    Anyways! Yesterday when I got home from school I planted some new seeds for my indoor herb garden, which I adore soo much, and I cooked some delicious Quinoa and spent time with my sister. My grades have gone up up up as I’ve been studying super hard for exams, and ahhh I just feel spectacular. AND I was in a community parade today, I feel all warm from the sun and buzzing from the happy energy, sigghh 🙂



  74.  #74Rori Raye on June 7, 2014 at 8:33 pm

    Carrot – Thank you so much for sharing your story – and YES -you can date when the girls are with their dad. You can date when the girls are with friends at parties, at sleepovers, at school. Dating can mean just coffee, just a short walk.

    All you need to do now is take things SLOW – and separate out your dating life from your family life. Of course your girls know you’re dating and making “friends” with new men. That doesn’t mean you have to bring each (or ANY) man into your family. Not because it’s some general not-good idea – but because you don’t yet have the skills and inner strength and confidence to manage it. You just need some time and practice with men to start trusting yourself. Love, Rori



  75.  #75luzydel on June 7, 2014 at 8:37 pm

    I am being a realist here…

    Reading this post made me realize that all I can have is an FWB situation. Honestly I can’t hardly see the guy because My son lives with me. Maybe only in the weekends when he is not with me; but then what if he has his kids during the weekend?

    How much time can I possibly invest in a relationship when I do not have it? Besides the casual date, there is not much a single mother can get, unless she risk bringing the man home… It may work or it may not. But truth is that there is not much hope for me until my son finishes HS and is more independent… even then why would I want a serious relationship close to my 50’s? I want that time to travel…

    Maybe an FWB isn’t such a bad idea after all…



  76.  #76luzydel on June 7, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    Then, Now I am kinda agreeing with Daria; what if you are confident enough that it does’t confuse your kids? and just have someone over for a movie and pizza? I am not saying move in with the man, but just casual meet up and send him home.

    Not sure of staying for sex that will be crossing the line for me. Just coming over as a friend like my kid bring his friends over and then they go back to their homes. Why does it have to be a black or white situation?….



  77.  #77sophie on June 8, 2014 at 1:11 am

    Azure Blue))) Thank you I love the idea you will hold the visualisation with me 🙂 I have been very good at feeling calm and imagining good outcomes and focusing elsewhere and feeling relaxed in myself and withdrawing my energies from that situation and him and then I feel a trigger and wobble (when I’ve not been able to stay out of his way)…Just woke up – back to a brand new beginning – glorious sunshine – today will be a great day xxx hope it is for everyone xxx



  78.  #78Sirenity on June 8, 2014 at 8:56 pm

    Luzydel, I waited till my 50’s for a serious relationship once my boys left home . It feels great not to be juggling anything and to take time to really know the man. We go travelling together which is even better!

    I will say i am in no hurry to recreate a locked down situation of marriage after so many years of making it through alone , supporting my family.

    I like having a boy friend whilst retaining autonomy and the ability to choose my own path. These skills and aspects of myself I “grew” through all the years of making do with casual dating when the boys were young . No i didn’t have a man of my own , but i became my own person. I have so much more too offer now and being in my fifties i am still young enough to enjoy all the juicy stuff .

    Now I can “have” the relationship i want , it seems to be morphing into a new shape altogether 🙂



  79.  #79Indigo on June 9, 2014 at 12:55 am

    sophie,

    The market was very quiet, none of the traders did well. But I had some positive feedback and am not discouraged in the slightest.

    I know it must be hard, feeling the way that you do about B’s situation, but I think now would be a time to really look out for your own interests. Take especial care with your self-care so that your girl can have a soft, safe space to feel her feelings, and put your boy to work being the strong practical one in your own life, and voicing your wishes and don’t wants. I wouldn’t put any more effort than felt good to me into B’s court case if you are feeling depleted.

    Hugs & strength to you x



  80.  #80Indigo on June 9, 2014 at 5:48 am

    Obviously we all know this, but I have to say, Rori is really onto something with this whole Circular Dating thing.

    It is the only form of therapy which I have found actually works to transform you into the kind of partner who can have an amazing, happy relationship who is capable of attracting that kind of partner in return.

    Practicing on everyone you meet, and on men that you date whom you are not tied into a commitment with yet, really heals you over time. Healing through relating with others. It’s not a quick process, and it’s not always easy, but it does work. I am quite honestly amazed by my ability to attract men and to be around them in a much softer, more attractive, more authentic way, so much more than a few years ago.

    I have also found that I am very happy in my own life and with my own company, and that self-esteem issues and wounded places in me are healing – and this is thanks in large part to Dominique, and to the advice I have got from Rori and the stories of the wonderful ladies on this blog.

    My life is not perfect, and I do fall off the wagon every now and again, but I just had to say I am in awe of the process.



  81.  #81Kyla on June 9, 2014 at 6:36 am

    Just back from the best vacation of my life..and I’ve travelled all over the world so thats saying something! I climbed the Grouse Grind while Ninja was working and did ho’oponopono on my work situation for the entire challenge. When I finally reached the top and collapsed onto the ground I felt every cell of my body release the anger, fear and disappointment of giving up on my ‘dream job’. Ninja is on board with relocating, its funny how our goals and dreams are in synch, he had cancelled his plans when we met and now we are picking them up and going together. 2 weeks left at work and then I’ll be home free.



  82.  #82Azure Blu on June 9, 2014 at 7:53 am

    Indigo #180
    So sorry to hear the market wasn’t very busy…
    But I’m glad to see you understand
    It’s not all about sales…
    You started the process of getting your name out there…
    You meet other vendors… they also know
    tons of people who will get the word out also.

    I’m a small business owner… It takes time
    But it is worth it… to LOVE Your job!! :->



  83.  #83Azure Blu on June 9, 2014 at 8:03 am

    Indigo #180
    Lovely Siren…..You have such a wonderful way of writing your thoughts!!

    Ohhh my!! I LOVE what you’re saying!

    It is sooo true
    I keep learning a huge amount about me
    while CDing.

    I am no longer suffering or extremely anxious
    about any certain man NOT calling or NOT seeing me…
    I am Happy with ME…
    I am in a much Stronger, loving place
    with ME!!
    and lots of men are excited about the NEW ME!! :->
    The RR tools are sooo Powerful..
    I thank BK often (in my mind) for triggering me
    which led to me finding Rori!!
    I look around
    and EVERY DAY i see the abundance
    The Universe gives me!!
    My Sweet, Darling Azure… You DESERVE all of this
    And MORE!!



  84.  #84Liquid Light on June 9, 2014 at 10:45 am

    Just back from my trip to Hawaii. It was great but really challenging too. Spent the week with my brother and sister in law and their two kids. Bad news is that it was really stressful at times (not used to spending that much time with them in such close quarters). Good news is that I really bonded with my niece and nephew! Hoorah!!!!

    Other challenging things were that the sun was brutal so that I had to be really careful about the amount of time in the sun, I couldn’t wear any makeup (arghh) and my hair was totally frizzy. Plus the mosquitos (relentless) and the constant threat of spontaneous torrential rains….wow, it was really hard for me. Needless to say, I didn’t flirt with anyone and it was a bit of a relief to not have that pressure on me for a week!

    I got offered one of the jobs I had applied for while I was there and start in a couple of weeks. Plus I’m planning on moving next month. I really dislike where I’m living so I’m looking forward to moving but it still feels like the past year was a total waste of time/failure. Feels like my life here is starting for real now and hopefully it will be much better with all the changes. Sigh. What a struggle its been though.



  85.  #85Liquid Light on June 9, 2014 at 11:46 am

    Feeling really triggered by a message I got from someone. He made a list of what his attributes are and what he’s looking for (a bit off putting in itself) and then wants me to respond in kind. It feels like an interview and like I have sell myself to him so that I meet all of his expectations. Ughh. It just makes me feel like well what do you have to offer pal? He doesn’t seem that great to me esp because he described himself as honest but then lied about his age. Bleh!!!! I’m feeling really triggered in general though, really defensive and like why do I have to prove myself to anyone…there are so many men I’ve been meeting who don’t impress me at all but they seem to think they have so much to offer! Ha! what a joke! I’ve got high standards when it comes to men and work and friendships…I feel like I have a lot to offer and I expect that in return. Sorry, little angry right now ladies. Grrrr….



  86.  #86Azure Blu on June 9, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    LL
    Ohhhh… the joy of nieces and nephews…
    It sounds like that part went well!

    Congrats on the job!!
    It feels like you will have much on your plate soon…
    New job…
    New town…
    Don’t forget to pamper YOU!! (;->



  87.  #87Liquid Light on June 9, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    Thanks Azure!!! I really appreciate your congratulations and supportive words. I love it that you are always so encouraging!! 🙂



  88.  #88nyx on June 9, 2014 at 12:47 pm

    LL- much as I think one should always answer, if short and politely when someone is communicating, I’m not sure I would be able to resist pointing out (in a more or less diplomatic way, depending on how triggered I felt and how pompous he sounded) that his self-estimated value is a bit… inflated. Being male just isn’t enough, most men nowadays get this. I normally just state my own value… sometimes I think that I shouldn’t point out to these guys what they lack in communication skills, because I’m a bit vary of teaching them how to communicate but not how to change their view of the world- bluntly put: how to hide their attitude behind words that works. I would maybe just answer that I was looking for a more humble man 😉
    Haha, sorry, not really trying to give you advice, LL- you’re more skilled in handling these things than I am, I just feel triggered because I recognize the attitude. Stating my value without decreasing his has so far only led to more contact, which I only find desirable if there is something interesting inside the man and he seems to have intelligence enough to be able to reconsider his own mindset.



  89.  #89Valarie O'Ryan on June 9, 2014 at 1:07 pm

    Liquid Light, I can understand how annoying that would be! I used to get triggered a lot when I was online dating. It felt exhausting!

    But then I just gently shifted my perspective. I looked at these “trigger points” as great opportunities to grow.

    Instead of feeling all annoyed & angry with the guy, I giggled & said to myself, “oh how cute, he’s trying to come at me through brain work. Oops – that won’t work!”

    And then I would tell him how I FEEL. I’m the girl. I had to lead, emotionally.

    So you could say, “Oh, I feel kind of turned off making lists. I like meeting a man & seeing all his wonderful attributes for myself. It feels so much better to me. What do you think?”

    Some guys got irritated, but most responded really well.

    But, it made a HUGE difference for ME. 🙂

    Love, ~Valarie



  90.  #90Indigo on June 9, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Thank you so much, Azure Blu, I do realize as a small business owner it’s a process like you say… and worth EVERYTHING to work for yourself and do work that you love.

    And thank you so much for your compliment on how I express my thoughts… I’m so glad you could relate.

    xx



  91.  #91redbutterfly on June 9, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    Carrot and Surferchica-I love your stories! There is so much to learn! And I agree with all of it. Rori-here is my story.

    I divorced my daughter’s father when she was 18 months old. I had dated him when I was a teenager and I started growing up and he never did so we ended it and she doesn’t remember us living together at all. Fast forward to when I started dating my 2nd husband, (I will call him KP) my daughter was 4. The red flag that was thrown up for me that I completely ignored was one night we were picking her up from the babysitters. It was late and she was tired. As she got out of the car she tossed her backpack on the ground. KP insisted she pick it up and carry it into the house and she was whiney and crying because of tiredness and it turned into a huge argument between a 32 year old and 4 year old. Fast forward through a 10 year marriage and my daughter is now 14 and KP and her can absolutely not get along. My daughter is seriously a good kid. She does well in school, she is kind, she doesn’t get into trouble. And yet KP would yell at her for the stupidest things until the veins in his face bulged. One of the argument was “you can’t wear sweatpants to bed.” I’m thinking, what?? why not? He told me I was a terrible mom and I didn’t know the first thing about parenting. There was a lot of fighting and a lot of walking on eggshells around him. i would get to the point where I would feed my daughter dinner first and then send her to her room and then feed the husband. He couldn’t even sit at the same table with her because he would pick a fight about grades or bringing her violin home to practice or why didn’t she eat the rest of her chicken. It would end up with her in tears and him angry. He said that she wasn’t working hard enough to make their relationship work. I said that was stupid, he was the adult, not her.

    The poor kid would go to her room and write suicide notes. I wish I would have done this sooner but I finally left him and the main reason was their relationship. I finally decided what is more important? That I get my daughter out of this situation or having people think I can’t hold a marriage together. I decided screw it, I don’t care what people think.

    Fast forward to now. I had plans to not date until my daughter was done with high school. That didn’t last long and the widower literally fell into my lap. I kept him about from her for awhile. When they finally met, she told me he was probably a serial killer. I cried. I knew he was a good guy, though. So we kept working on it slowly. I didn’t push her at all. He did not try to parent, he didn’t not try to correct her, he did not ever say a cross word to her, he wooed her as much as he did me and eventually she came around. It took a year and a half but they are best buds now. She is now almost 17. Last night I was planning on going over to his house and she insisted on going with me to watch a movie which ruined our plans of some naughty time but she is more important. She calls us her “parents” and that feels really good. We have not moved in together yet but she has said she would like to, mostly because she wants to take over the basement bedroom and bathroom at his house and get a cat. He spoils her and dotes on her and she eats it up. It is such a different relationship than she ever had with KP. Makes me feel teary thinking how lucky I am right now.

    As for the serial killer comment, she said she was just hoping it would be her and I forever and she was trying to get me worked up. We tease her about it. One day a couple of months ago the widower grabbed a box of stale cereal and started dumping it in the trash yelling “Look!! I’m a serial killer!”



  92.  #92Liquid Light on June 9, 2014 at 1:49 pm

    redbutterfly: wow, great story with a wonderful happy ending. Thanks for sharing!

    And this made me laugh so hard! Thank you!

    One day a couple of months ago the widower grabbed a box of stale cereal and started dumping it in the trash yelling “Look!! I’m a serial killer!”



  93.  #93redbutterfly on June 9, 2014 at 1:53 pm

    Thanks, Liquid Light! I was impressed with his sense of humor!! 🙂



  94.  #94Liquid Light on June 9, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    nyx and valarie, thanks for your feedback. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in being taken aback by his “wish list”. I appreciate your suggestions. Hadn’t considered that before. Thanks!



  95.  #95Kyla on June 9, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    Congratulations Liquid Light!! I’m so happy for you 😀



  96.  #96Zia on June 9, 2014 at 6:41 pm

    While I was dating as a single mum, I found I didn’t really have the time (or energy!) to ‘circular date’ lots of men in a rotation, so I focused a lot more on using the tools all day, every day. At the shops, on my way to work, at work, when I was interacting with everyone. My boy’s dad has him every other weekend, so I’d line up lots of dates for those weekends, and if I needed to I’d get my sister to help by watching my son. It gets overwhelming when you have to arrange a baby sitter all the time (rushing home from work, getting dressed while also getting the child(ren) ready for bed or to go, driving to a friend or family member’s house to drop him off, going on the date, going back to pick him up etc).

    In that whole time (about a year of dating) there was only one guy I went on more than 2 dates with, and the third date included my son as it was just a day out at the beach. That was as far as that guy went. With my boyfriend, he offered to come over and cook dinner for me and my son the first weekend that we got together – however he and I had known each other and been friends for many years prior (although this was the first time he met my son).

    My boyfriend before, he met my son after a few months. I think its more about what feels right than any pre determined set of time.

    My personal situation was that I had been a single mother since being pregnant, so this is all my son knows (he’s almost 4). So I think it can be a complex thing with many factors to consider (age of children, relationship with other parent, etc etc)



  97.  #97Zia on June 9, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    I would be happy to share more via email Rori if you need more people to share their stories and experiences 🙂



  98.  #98Janelle on June 9, 2014 at 9:29 pm

    Hi
    It’s a good question.

    I find it hard enough to date just one person as a single mother, let alone circular dating.

    I like the concept, but I find it’s exhausting to coordinate. I’m a single mother 24/7.

    The father is not at all involved, and so I don’t get any weekends or time off, and the financial aspect of hiring a babysitter and going on dates, combined with simply a limited amount of time mean that I am not really able to circular date all that much.

    When I have dated, I’ve approached introductions to my daughter in all different ways, depending on my energy level. Keeping him at a distance until it felt like he was more committed. Takes more work. Integrating him into casual encounters so it’s not such an ‘issue’ about introducing him, without including him in ‘family’ events until later. Introducing him right away because he was so easy and amiable and felt more like a friend, and it felt easier to me. I’m truly not sure which is the best, for me or for my daughter. Sigh.

    Wondering what other women in my circumstances have done…



  99.  #99Rori Raye on June 9, 2014 at 10:28 pm

    Janelle – thank you, and thank you all so much…I am totally on board with the way you’ve handled things – allowing them to unfold on a case-by-case basis instead of instituting a complex set of rules that felt stressful. “Ease” and “casual” is always better than “stressed” and “formal.” Your daughter will let you know when she’s uncomfortable – and that will help you know what to do. The best way to find time to Circular Date is to not make “big” dates – this way you can have coffee when she’s playing at a friend’s house, a walk when she’s at school, and do errands when she’s with you.

    I can’t tell you how much I admire any woman who is raising a child alone. Heroic in all ways. Love, Rori



  100.  #100Liquid Light on June 10, 2014 at 11:28 am

    Thanks Kyla! 🙂



  101.  #101Tereana on June 10, 2014 at 7:45 pm

    Redbutterfly – cereal killer! LOL!!!



  102.  #102Shannon P. on June 11, 2014 at 5:17 pm

    Hi all. I’m currently in my CNC (Computer machining) course. It’s fantastic. I’m doing great! I’m very excited about it.

    Here’s something fun I wanted to share. At one point, the agency that paid for my schooling decided they weren’t going to fund this training this time around. Well, I REALLY wanted to do it, so I wasn’t going to give up for a second until it was too late!

    I gathered up my boy energy, and I started making phone calls, looking for funding. I was feeling really discouraged, but still extremely determined. Eventually, I ended up calling one of our Senator’s offices…

    A few hours later, while getting more and more discouraged, I got an email… they changed their mind and are funding the class after all–it’s back on…

    So I get there to take the class, and the folks in the office were calling me, get this, “A rock star”! LOL! Apparently, the Senator called over to talk to the president of the school, and to the agency that funded the course… So thanks to my mighty boy energy, the course happened for 6 people! Including me.

    I feel really amazing right now. It feels awesome and a little embarrassing to be called a rock star, lol. However, the situation is such that it really shows employers my dedication to what I want to do and my ability to be a mover and a shaker. It takes place in a facility that happens to hire people from the class routinely… but I have a feeling that I’ll have my pick of jobs after I finish, since I am doing amazing in the course already.

    Just wanted to update people, and state that Rori’s teachings are helping me tremendously in this situation. I am letting people give to me! I am not correcting the men, and they just think I’m amazing… they see my intelligence without me needing to step in on anything.

    So the teachings help in more than just dating!!!

    —————-

    On the subject of the post!

    I introduce my daughter to guys I’m dating (haven’t been many), but only as “this is my friend”. And so far, it has been fine that way. She meets lots of nice people, instead of just one whom she’s expected to get along with the way she’s expected to bond with my ex’s GF, OR ELSE.

    So far, she seems to enjoy it. She often asks about them and enjoys spending time with my friends–including the ones who are actually JUST friends. Which I seem to suddenly have more of, by the way!

    When you have a lot of friends, your kid doesn’t really know that you’re dating this one but not that one.

    Seems to work for us so far, but now I’m too busy for any of that, lol. Except we’re going to the beach with one of my friends (who’s just a friend) next weekend (not this coming one). She sees this friend no differently from my other “friends”… which means that she seems to feel fine seeing them as actually just friends. Yay! 🙂

    Nice to see all of you. Sorry I’m not more active–no time! Wish me luck, I’m excited but this is hard work!



  103.  #103Danny Owen on June 11, 2014 at 5:18 pm

    Men fall in love because of women.. Why else. I fell in love because of one woman. A wonderful woman.. She’s the only thing I’m terrified of..



  104.  #104redbutterfly on June 12, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    Pretty quiet on the blog front today. I am heading out in a couple of hours for a driving trip down south with the widower, my daughter and her best friend. I can’t wait!



  105.  #105Liquid Light on June 12, 2014 at 1:06 pm

    Redbutterfly: sounds like a blast! Have a great time!



  106.  #106Azure Blu on June 12, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    RedButterly…
    Mmmmm how lovely! Sounds like so much fun…
    Safe travels
    (:->



  107.  #107Veronica on June 12, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    Shannon – you are so awesome, I feel so inspired!



  108.  #108Labbit on June 12, 2014 at 4:00 pm

    I have had a lovely feeling this afternoon, this one I can’t really even explain. This week has been full of triggers for me…bringing back old wounds and behaviors that I thought I’d moved past. I lashed out at some people I love over things that had nothing to do with them and then I felt bad. (I apologized right away!) I couldn’t do anything right in my mind. It was very frustrating at first and I closed myself down. It’s not surprising that two of my CDs cancelled our dates this week, I’m sure they felt my vibe.

    Today I got sick of feeling bad, sick of beating myself up. I sunk into it all — the sadness, the anger, the fear. I had been resisting it all week because I thought it would hurt to feel it all. Instead it’s been really lovely. I feel so much better now! I even laughed!

    I feel more capacity to love myself than ever before.



  109.  #109Dena on June 22, 2014 at 9:11 pm

    Dear Rori, I’m a single mom of a special needs high functioning autistic 9 year old boy. (He’s delightful & a handful all at the same time) but what kid isn’t? Im rocking 45 and I feel Great & look good! His Dad left me for a 28 yr old who could give him a normal child. He’s a good daddy…shitty husband. Had cut him lose. We share custody 7 days on 7 days off. This allows me two free weeks & 2 weekends of the month for circular dating. The hard part is when I reveal to a date I have a special needs child he seems sympathetic & compassionate & cool with it. However after spending some what seems to be fun times with my son; ie boat rides trips to the beach an excursion out (we live near one) i try to keep them short & sweet. I have had the heartbreak of the fella confess to me that they really like me however my kid is too much of a handful and a “deal breaker” for him. I politely request that they “lose my number”! It’s like getting struck by the same bolt of lightning over and over. I used to wait a while before introducing someone to my son, now I’m curious as to the true character and values a man has about this so secretly I’m like let’s nip this in the bud shall we, fairly soon so I don’t waist my time or allow my son to get attached to him over time, if this is a “deal breaker” to him or not. I own my own home and I have a job I love. I’m not needy in anyway shape or form. I’m trying to implement your techniques from your book. I am leaning back and learning about men meeting them on dates & having fun. However I question the quality of single men in my town at my age. They all seem to be quite damaged from previous relationships and emotionally unavailable, closed off & guarded. My inner goddess can lure them in closer to shore but my little hammerhead keeps them at bay. I have yet to have a truly good man step up to the plate yet but I remain optimistic. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.



  110.  #110Rori Raye on June 23, 2014 at 10:49 am

    Dena – Thank you so much for writing…For me – and I do not speak from experience (my only familiarity with your situation is the time I spent at the Jeffrey Foundation here in Los Angeles), so feel free to shoot me down – but this is the kind of thing that makes me think there has to be SOME way to get your kids and men together early on in a very social and casual way – so you don’t waste time with a man, only to find he isn’t really “family-oriented,” and also so your child gets used to “friends” coming and going, and the social “experience.” Autism often looks (to us) like supreme sensitivities to all stimuli. Social situations can be all kinds of help or hurt. ALSO – you can just date for YOU – enjoy the time you have with a man, and don’t let it get into your mind about this turning into a “forever” family situation.

    I look forward to hearing more from you – and let me know what you think of this: Surely a child, no matter what his or her personality, needs some time to just be with YOU, and not “share” you in a new way with others. So, for me, this begs for social situations where you can be comfortable. To seek out places where there adults and single parents who “get” your situation.

    Here’s an article I found:
    http://www.dfwchild.com/Thrive/features/197/Dating-as-a-Single-Parent-of-a-Child-with-Special-Needs