I Thought It Was Him But it Was Me

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I got this letter from Allana Pratt yesterday and loved it so much, I wanted you to see it.

OK. I’m dating this new man. I was feeling very crunchy, pissed off by his lack of being impeccably present, grounded or thinking positively. Grrrrr….

I was going through my normal reasoning of why this one won’t work either. I was NOT doing my feminine practices, not feeling my feelings, not telling the truth with kindness and honesty… I was pushing him away and being a bitch, CONVINCED it was him.

Then, bless him, he suggested we go for a vigorous hike to get the juices flowing, energy moving. I could feel the anger in me welling up, all prickly from the inside out, wanting to SCREAM!

We got back to my place and began to talk. I could feel under the anger was a huge welling up of tears and I took a breath and decided to show him my fears. I told him to please only say ‘Thank you’ to everything I said, just hear me please.

Then I sobbed and sobbed about how scared I was to let a man support me, hold me, care for me, protect me, be there for me, let me rest and finally truly completely exhale. I shared that I was so terrified to open and risk being let down, risk being taken advantage of, risk being used or abandoned.

All this sorrow from my childhood came up and I could see that all my exhaustion has come from keeping it together and doing it all myself. This wasn’t just with men, this was with God. I was even afraid that God would ultimately forget about me.

What was beautiful was that he just GOT me. He followed my request to just say thank you.

When I was ready I let him hold me. It was not him. It was me. The sweet little scared girl inside me was trying to protect me from getting hurt. By honoring her fears, feeling those fears, sharing those fears, the little girl felt heard and validated and now the big Allana could see clearly from a place of deep wisdom and gentle strength.

Then I made us an egg breakfast bagel for dinner, and now he’s taking me to Willie Nelson tomorrow. (I know, don’t tell anyone. I love country).

Thank you for listening to my journey. I want you to know that while I’m a kick ass coach, I am humbled by my humanity and hope my experiences can expand you and kiss the place inside where you are scared.

From my heart to yours,

Be Sexy. Be Whole. Be YOU.

Deliciously yours, Allana

Allana is just terrific – you can find out more about her on her site www.AllanaPratt.com, get her newsletters, listen to her radio show and teleclasses, and find out where she’s speaking.

226 Comments

  1.  #1Kayleigh on February 2, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    This is exactly what I am going through right now…being afraid because my relationship is so wonderful. Bless you for sharing this story, Rori, and Allana too.

    ps. Have fun at the Willie Nelson concert!



  2.  #2Tina on February 2, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    I am going away for a few days, hey I got this great skin care tip online somewhere, I cant remember, in a traveling bottle, put unscented body lotion , mixed in about ten drops (or more depending on your skin) of unscented baby oil, I went so far as to put in one of my perfumes or you can use essential oils.



  3.  #3Simply Shannon on February 2, 2010 at 7:30 pm

    I receive Allana’s email as well. I’ve noticed a big shift in her writing. It is so honest… breathtakingly honest. I feel connected so much more than I did before to Allana, the person. Refreshing and beautiful to know even a coach has struggles. Like seeing behind the curtain and realizing the wizard is just a person. Feels good.

    Thank you Allana and Rori!



  4.  #4Suzi on February 2, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    I have been working on my “script” for my own similar conversation! I have such a wonderful man that loves me so very much … and sometimes I am so afraid that I will scare him that I don’t show my true self … even though my logical mind says otherwise! I am still learning to get my body and heart to totally engage with what my mind knows!



  5.  #5Tina on February 2, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    Wow, eggs and bagels , I havnt so much as poured oh I did once hehe, a glass of water. I feel afraid to even to that much. I feel angry just at the thought of doing it or anything for his comfort. He wants to spend every living breathing moment of every single day with me, I feel smothered. I feel smothered like an egg, a squished egg. The plan was, I go to his house (in my truck hehe) to his house so we can head to montreal the following morning, I since changed my mind and said that I would arrive at his house on the morning of the trip. Now he is frustrated but has handled his “angry tone” with me hehe. He wants to hear my voice every night OH GOD! YOU WANNA HEAR MY VOICE FCK YOU HOWS THAT! NOW GOOD NIGHT! grrrrrr!



  6.  #6Tina on February 2, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    I feel prickly and stingy OUCH! fck you get out of my space, get out of my head. your driving me insane. I love you, he says grrrrrr, i dont love you back, I like you a lot, hows that? I love your pants? ok I love your pants. Three months and he is starting to drive me crazy. I feel crazy now! I like spending time with him, I like spending time with me more. I”m having a problem with availablity, yeah were “dating exclusively” lol I got myself in that “trap” ring and all. I’m not your available goddess toy! yeah I know im a goddess, you cant help it *sigh. Goddess tina dont crawl haha unless it turns you on then I might haha, crazy. Oh we are going to be so cool Goddess cool when I see you on thursday morning.



  7.  #7Tina on February 2, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    Fling yourselves on the beach! Let us Goddess watch you in delight. Ouch thats gotta hurt? Those rocks are sharp with jagged edges, only the strong survive! heheeeeeeeeeeeeeee



  8.  #8Tina on February 2, 2010 at 9:06 pm

    I am visiting Allana’s site and she says “make him ravish you now” oh god no lol, He wants to ravish me to much, I can accept that being a Goddess and all, of course they want to ravish us, I mean yeah hell yeah. Ravish me after my hormones have settled a bit. I like being ravished 🙂 feeling ravished 🙂



  9.  #9Tara on February 2, 2010 at 9:22 pm

    Yep! It wasn’t him, it really was me, and it’s amazing how the Tools and Circular Dating can change things because I have been using them to change ME.

    Got a question: There is this cute guy who is 20 years younger than me. We have a lot in common, and I can tell he is starting to *like* me. I don’t want to lead him on. He wants to have kids eventually and I’m way past done, plus I feel he deserves someone his own age, and I’m emotionally not there.
    What do I do with this guy?
    I don’t want to hurt his feelings. Like Steve, he’s also been in an abusive relationship (although it’s been over for years), and I want to help him build his self-esteem instead of tearing it down.

    Suggestions?

    Tara



  10.  #10Tina on February 2, 2010 at 9:43 pm

    I can so relate to Allana’s blog on her site 🙂 my self esteem was so low , I just thought/felt it was me, me that deserved all the bitchiness from other women grrrrrrr. Illegal haha, sexy is not a crime! Oh my god a Queen even! haha cool.



  11.  #11Daria on February 2, 2010 at 10:44 pm

    Tina please tell me more about raising self esteem and the bitchiness from other women and sexy is not a crime!

    i feel afraid to be sexy!!! (sometimes)



  12.  #12Daria on February 2, 2010 at 11:59 pm


  13.  #13Daria on February 3, 2010 at 12:23 am

    i feel so angry

    that Ali girl is so fake! she talks shit in front of people and then she is trying to cover it up and LIE about it rrrrr

    i feel scared and uncomfortable and furious



  14.  #14Daria on February 3, 2010 at 12:24 am

    ok fine. she made it up a lil bit by saying something more truthful.



  15.  #15Daria on February 3, 2010 at 12:38 am

    i feel kinda weird watching Tinley AND Jake. Maybe they would be good for each other.

    She said she regrets not jumping up from the couch to greet him… hmm? sounds like overfunctioning…

    Rori? what do you think? Jake says he sees himself married to her the most.



  16.  #16Mary on February 3, 2010 at 12:41 am

    I just read the post about men who are gone a lot, and I’m just getting ready to start dating my first love, who has his own business and travels three or four days a week. ahhhhhhh. i was so excited. now the excitement has gone down a notch.

    And wow. R went on a trip while I was in Thailand. I got home at midnight last night and slept all day; then had plans to pick him up at the airport at 5pm. He kept telling me that he’d get a shuttle if I was too tired, but I wasn’t. So he called me at 3pm and said he was getting an earlier flight, which meant I couldn’t wash my hair and really get ready. So I got up (i was sleeping – jet lag) and started getting ready, and he called at 3:30 and said he was already here. Super weird. I said, “Well, I’m at a loss here. Would you like me to pick you up or not?” And he said sure. So I went. And he said he was starving. So he suggested that we eat Thai food (can you believe it?), and I said okay, but at the last minute, we just went to the grocery store and got some chicken. By the time we made it to his house, he said he felt sick. He only ate a bit, then went to bed!

    I just went home.

    Feel kinda down about it… kinda humiliated or something… not sure why.

    : (



  17.  #17Daria on February 3, 2010 at 12:41 am

    she is feminine… she just asked a question saying… it feels uncomfortable… feels like shes opening up! shes becoming more attractive to me!



  18.  #18Daria on February 3, 2010 at 12:43 am

    I like how he seems to TAKE CHARGE with Tinley. Like the way he kissed her, he seemed sure. And how he wrote the messages in the cookie. And how Tinley is so feminine and sweet that she outgirls him.

    I’m rooting for Vienna cuz I like her as the underdog. But right now watching him and tinley’s date on coit tower it seems they are well suited.



  19.  #19Daria on February 3, 2010 at 12:47 am

    Mary –

    STOP picking him up at the airport!!!! WHY!!!

    *tears hair out*



  20.  #20Mary on February 3, 2010 at 12:54 am

    hmmmmm…

    i met some VERY spiritual people in thailand. they were ready to drop everything and help each other. really go out of their way. it impressed me.

    now i’m rethinking things.

    is dating so different?



  21.  #21Mary on February 3, 2010 at 12:58 am

    this woman works in the jungle with refugees from Burma. she’s BEAUTIFUL. and she said she hadn’t had a date in 7 years. then this guy came to help for a couple of months last year, and they got married this summer. he’s gone all the time; he travels for a living, but she’s in bliss. says God brought him in for her.



  22.  #22Daria on February 3, 2010 at 12:59 am

    I’m starting to think Vienna is way too cool for Jake. And also, is she shifting to a more masculine mindset?

    its awesome though how she shares her “tough” feelings even in front of the other girl.

    I think I would feel very uncomfortable and 3rd wheel like, like GIA, and I DONT WANT TO FEEL THAT WAY. grr.

    =(



  23.  #23Daria on February 3, 2010 at 1:03 am

    Mary –

    I’m not sure if you were thinking of what I said in relation to the people helping each other.

    I don’t see picking up a man at the airport as helping him.

    Just sounds like leaning forward and doing something he can do for himself.

    Then when it doesn’t feel romantic, it would feel bad

    I know you said you felt humiliated

    I have felt that way picking up men before and then the time didn’t feel romantic



  24.  #24Daria on February 3, 2010 at 1:04 am

    Im practicing speaking more provocatively/directly.



  25.  #25Daria on February 3, 2010 at 1:06 am

    Gia is wearing my blue shirt.

    And Monica Danger wears my houndstooth pattern coat.

    Umm wow



  26.  #26Daria on February 3, 2010 at 1:07 am

    Jake’s learning to be a player! hehe! how cute!

    he’s gonna have WAY more game after this show!



  27.  #27Mary on February 3, 2010 at 1:09 am

    yes. leaning forward.

    so hard not to.

    even after so much talk about it.



  28.  #28Daria on February 3, 2010 at 1:13 am

    I really like the way Vienna says she thinks about marriage! like two 6 year olds in love, and wake up, and she gives him this spontaneous kiss and looks in his eyes and totally leans back!

    I want that. and i think Jake is trying to pull away from her, but her energy is so refreshing



  29.  #29Daria on February 3, 2010 at 1:20 am

    Ok he’s really pulling away from her… damn wow

    shes leaning forward too… and shes so OPEN and real with her feelings…

    i feel confused

    Rori new bachelor post?



  30.  #30Daria on February 3, 2010 at 1:30 am

    Right now after part 5 1 it seems he’s gonna send Vienna home…

    i feel weird



  31.  #31Daria on February 3, 2010 at 2:14 am

    Where is AG

    AG we are on back with the old blog format and flaoting in feeling waters

    I want to share this from a business coach (Iyabo) i worked with’s site

    “Wow. You know how to do that? ”

    “Yes, that is what I do for fun. I have not made any money doing it because I just have too much fun doing it, I could not see charging for it.”

    [LOL]

    “Elizabeth my dear, that is your sweet spot! Do you see how you have a disconnect between having fun and making money?”

    “O my gosh! I never saw that. Wow. I guess I feel that what ever I do professionally has to be challenging and stimulating.”

    “Challenging and stimulating? Is that just another term for ‘hard?’ ”

    “Hmmmmmm….yeah! I am trying to make this hard?”

    “Yes, you are. It does not have to be something so huge and overwhelming that you cannot do it.

    I love THAT

    Challenging and stimulating… is that another word for hard. heheheheheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

    love ITTTT

    i never connected with the… “i like to be challenged interview answer” wtf I don’t understand what that means.

    Just like I want to redefine balance

    Balance? is that another word for average and boring?

    heheheheeheeeee



  32.  #32Daria on February 3, 2010 at 2:20 am

    I am unbalanced!!! I am diving off the bridge backwards in wild abandon!!! I can flyyyy weeeeee

    I do like feeling alive and powerful

    but the word balance triggers me. Whats the good part of balance? the gracefulness of a dancer (I don’t like gracefulness either)

    mmm

    i’ll go with alive and powerful, soaring, dance rythm life spring soar flex lean fold flash bold dash drink drunk satisfy soak soothe breath bend vibrate gushy green grass moss vine jungle blood heart and my favorite stolen phrase animal adrenaline



  33.  #33Daria on February 3, 2010 at 2:28 am

    HE’s saying he’s gonna go for Vienna! cuz he had pulled back to not hurt the others – I think he was afraid of getting so close!!! and now hes like Dammit i like her…

    and it feels odd that Vienna is asking him how he feels…

    but at the same tiem!!! shes SO FREAKING OPEN

    geez Vienna!!



  34.  #34Daria on February 3, 2010 at 2:31 am

    This show is REALLY showing me how a man can totally be affectionate with more than one girl.

    (and i can too hehe)

    BUT I would really like to be able to SEE whatsup

    like the way he was pulling away from Vienna, but now he’s decided wow I am really gonna go for her dammit i like her. shes so strong…

    RORI MORE PLEASEEEE!!!

    I want to learn EVERYTHING!!



  35.  #35Daria on February 3, 2010 at 2:36 am

    MAaaan they need to give me one of these shows and let me hand pick my guys heheheheeeeeeeeee



  36.  #36Daria on February 3, 2010 at 2:47 am

    I would have lil boosie, lil wayne, this one guy named __, who else who else…

    okay ill have dman, guy who had a baby, one of my brothers whos not really my brother lol, I dono if id even have my ex who didnt answer the text, OR my ex who I feel weird about, ok I feel uncomfortable hurting his feelings, OH but I do want his best friend who is very romantic and sexual, ARight we can put my ex in there too

    ok thats 9

    ummm
    that one guy whos my bro’s brother,

    AACk im starting to feel insecure cuz im like what if some of these men dont really like me (like the last one)

    hmmm

    aright well thank u nvs

    10

    wow i feel stuck…
    ummmm

    ok that one guy from florida

    I GUESSS ugh i feel annoyed at him righ tnow lol!

    12 would be….

    I would say a wildcard then

    12 can be a wildcard… ? hmm????

    OHHHHH

    I KNOW!!!!

    THAT SEXY SEXY SEXY ASS GUY FROM LA

    WHY THE HELL DID HE NOT CALL MEE

    FUCKING PUNK!!!!

    and you know what was really sexy
    how we went back in the drive thru to get my guacamole!!

    AND

    how he got the wrong burger, tried to go back, but then was like, aright i wont worry about it… instead of talking shit

    omgosh

    that was SO SEXY

    i cant believe that that dumbass didnt call me!

    I freakin ran out his car. but i dropped my card

    I keep thinking he probably thought i didnt liek him enuf or something. but it didnt really matter. i TOLD HIM I DIDD

    FUCKER!!

    WHY DID U DISAPPEAR!!!

    FUCKERRRRRR

    wow

    I really liked how he respected my boundaries without my feeling weird, and how he freaking was So in charge

    and his BODy

    and his sexualness

    mmmm

    and his penis!! hahaha

    yes I thought it was really nice

    mmm

    I felt like I was in trance with him!! and I didnt even smoke

    and he drove me back

    and got us food

    sigh

    why didnt u call me stupid la man

    he was like come visit me, i was lik eidono

    i shoulda told him come visit me FOOL

    ufffff

    yes!

    he’s definitely number 12

    omgosh thats so fun!!!

    I can use them in my hundred men exercise!

    I can think of what each will offer me!

    BAck to do that in a sec!



  37.  #37Daria on February 3, 2010 at 2:51 am

    OH but wait! what about Jamaican man from NY!!!

    can we have 13?

    if not then he can replace florida man. Althought I would like to see what florida man is like in person.

    Maybe he can replace abusive ex that i have a 10 year history with? but i feel so bad for abusive ex… hmmm… and i also know abusive ex is really into me. but i would feel BAD to cut abusive ex.

    ok you know what

    Abusive ex you are not part of the show

    dammit ok youre still there

    fine

    you can still pursue me OUTSIDE THE SHOW

    you can be like the guy who shows up midshow and declares your love for me or seomthing

    thats what you do anyway



  38.  #38Daria on February 3, 2010 at 2:53 am

    the way vienna looks at people with big ass wide open eyes, its like she looks so freaking Vulnerable! geez. its like she cant close her heart



  39.  #39Mary on February 3, 2010 at 2:57 am

    maybe bachelor man feels like he can be himself with vienna and she’s not going to be a non-person with him. maybe guys like a little lean forward sometimes. a little take charge action every now and then. and then they can row the boat again.

    oooooh. just before i left on holiday, R told me he didn’t want to hear about my feelings any more. !!!???

    and… i wasn’t overdoing it. just a few things here and there. when he asked, i used feeling words. then i cut out the “I feel…” and was more vague, but still let him know how I was feeling. he didn’t like it.



  40.  #40Mary on February 3, 2010 at 2:59 am

    i think i’ve had it with R.



  41.  #41Mary on February 3, 2010 at 3:17 am

    I’ve been thinking.

    How did I get addicted to R in the first place? A sex addict. A guy who likes me one minute and the next minute, he’s “stressed.”

    Why am I ready to always go back with him? It’s psycho.

    This is it ———– I have FEAR.

    Fear that maybe all men have something like sex addict tendencies.

    Fear that all men tire of having just one woman for sex.

    Fear that all men want multiple sex partners.

    Fear that there is NOTHING I CAN DO to prevent a man from leaving me.

    Fear that no matter how beautiful I am (and there is some wiggle room there!!!), it isn’t beautiful enough. See Tiger and Elin.

    Fear that I’ll never find such a tender heart in anyone else, ever again.

    Fear that R will shrivel up and die if I leave him. (shades of narcissism???)

    I know that R went out with Asian women when we were not dating. So while I was in Thailand, I checked out the Asian women, and they were so beautiful and gorgeous.

    But I did some soul searching. And I thought, “Let me not look at the women. I’ll look at the men instead, and see which ones I’d like to have in my bed.”

    And you know what?

    I’m not really like that. I’m not a sex addict. I just wasn’t interested. There were some handsome men on the streets, but I need to know the guy. I need to have commitment. I need to feel the intimate moments and I’d like to have a spiritual connection.

    This was good to see.

    The sex addicts of the world trigger something in me. Something DEEP. I think my dad might have been a sex addict. He was always looking at pretty women. And he had many affairs. And he was always out until 2am. And he was always preoccupied when he was around the family. And I never felt like the apple of his eye.

    I want to be free of thinking about all this.

    How to get free?

    How to feel beautiful and gorgeous? Even if it’s just on the inside? How to radiate happiness? How to be totally ALIVE and amazingly into what I’m in to?

    I’m gonna make a plan.

    I’m probably NOT going to Internet date, because I’m in the age bracket where men are not looking, unless they’re WAYYYYY older than me.

    I’ll just join clubs and be out and about and see what happens! And get active and have fun and WOW. I’VE BEEN COUPED UP FOR A YEAR! Saying I was studying, but not studying! Oh, the wasted time!

    I feel upset.

    First, an exercise club.

    Next, an eating plan. Maybe lose 10.

    Hey, who was gonna get us involved with our goals? Let’s do it! I’m so ready…

    Now how to find the men to start dating? I want a date tomorrow! With someone besides R! And not with feminine energy guy.

    Excited now!



  42.  #42Daria on February 3, 2010 at 3:22 am

    Mary keep at it! Sounds like you’re healing him.

    When i started speaking my truth to abusive ex, he did this thing where he started attacking me in Every way he’s done in the past all in one convo, and the weird thing was it sounded so hollow and strange like he was taking my judging thoughts about him and saying them to me

    like for example the way i called him abusive ex in this convo he would have done something like call me abusive

    anyway they were NOT HURTING ME!

    it was so weird

    and it seemed like he was on a deeper level RELIEVED that it wasn’t hurting me. like a deep part of him felt safe and amazed

    so even tho that was our last convo, i do feel curious to see how even More truth will change us

    I plan to tell him a truth that I think he’s abusive, and that its time for him to be a man and not look for love from me. That i dont want to be verbally attacked, that i’ve experienced this in my family, and i think maybe he has too, with his mom (I feel afraid here because I feel afraid he may get VERY defensive about his mom and angry at me, and maybe attack me, but I plan to have this a Phone conversation)

    so I feel curious how all this truth will affect him

    I would like to go feeling messages as much as possible, but some things liek “I think youre abusive etc, I may just say that way, because my intent is to tell my truth, and i think that will show even though my words may be labeling… im unsure really how to say this, so ill do my best”

    Rori if youd like to help me here how to say this, Id appreciate that.

    Tahnks.



  43.  #43Daria on February 3, 2010 at 3:24 am

    MARY – I feel like my ex will shrivel up and die if i leave him!!! too!!!

    like… hes a baby that will be abandoned and emotionally die if i leave him



  44.  #44Daria on February 3, 2010 at 3:26 am

    Mary – the front page Article from Alanna Pratt —

    she has a book about how to get gorgeous and feel sexy. its really all about that. I think im about to buy it right now.

    and its not about losing 10. its about feeling sexy on the inside. I feel curious.

    and btw there are men of all ages on the internet looking for women of all ages

    theyre everywhere!!
    weee



  45.  #45mary on February 3, 2010 at 3:27 am

    wow. i’m glad!

    it felt a little out-there saying that!



  46.  #46mary on February 3, 2010 at 3:28 am

    hmmmm.

    i’m about to be a realtor in a medium sized town. what do you think? i’m worried about pasting up my picture.



  47.  #47Daria on February 3, 2010 at 3:29 am

    I do support you if youd like to shape certain things about your body

    why not?

    I beat myself up because i want to change some things about my body

    but you know what? maybe me Wanting to change is because Dammit… i WANT to change this. WTF. I want to feel free to change this

    a part of me says noooo dont. if you change it, then youll be saying basically youre not good enough. ummm

    really?

    not necessarily

    fuckin a

    i want to change. my bodys probably BEEN wanting to change but im keeping it stuck with the “its not ok to change because that means im not loving my body”

    what?

    i could love my body change and unchanged

    I WANT TO GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION TO CHANGE

    but i feel scared!!

    i love MYSELF!!!!



  48.  #48mary on February 3, 2010 at 3:29 am

    i’m watching allana’s video.



  49.  #49Daria on February 3, 2010 at 3:30 am

    Mary – I think GO FOR IT!

    Lol a realtor! I bet dating will help you find some leads too!

    Dating is not shameful! its beautiful!



  50.  #50mary on February 3, 2010 at 3:33 am

    i have no problem with wanting to change my body. i had plastic surgery on my nose when i was very young. i needed surgery because of allergy problems, and the surgeon said, “hey… I can really enhance the look of your nose,” and i said, “great!” and never looked back. i’ve never even thought about my nose again since then.

    losing weight works the same with me. it’s a nagging thing until the weight is gone, and then… it’s a non-issue.

    like sex.

    or anything else.

    i can’t WAIT! i’m gonna lose 10 pounds right away! it’ll be easy, because i DON’T HAVE TO STUDY ANY MORE! yippeeeeeeeeee!!! hooraaaaaaaaaay!

    i can go for beautiful walks by the ocean and in the forest. with FRIENDS!

    oh, i miss all my friends.

    daria. you always have lots of men around. how can i fast-forward and get some dates?

    do you think i should get online? what are the good sites? all i know about are match.com, plenty of fish and lava life.



  51.  #51Daria on February 3, 2010 at 3:34 am

    Mary do you want to buy one Alanna book and split it?

    I would be willing to if you let me know right now… I’m on the verge of buying it as soon as the “little voice” speaks again hehe



  52.  #52mary on February 3, 2010 at 3:35 am

    sure.

    but how could we do it?



  53.  #53mary on February 3, 2010 at 3:36 am

    ooooooooooh.

    if i get online, i need photographs!

    so i need a few photographers. it takes hundreds of pictures to get a good one! hahahaha. no joke! but it can be done!



  54.  #54Daria on February 3, 2010 at 3:37 am

    Mary –

    gosh I don’t know. I get a lot of men on myspace, which is not all about dating

    i have lots of VERY SEXY (yet clothed) pictures up. And I get lots of men I like which are bold and kinda macho.

    There is also Facebook.

    I would make a (maybe separate nickname) Facebook account dedicated to my Sexy Goddess self. I would put up lots of Very sexy pictures of me, and go all out. and then I would answer men contacting me, and I would friend the ones who friend me.

    I also heard of Goddesses using Plenty of fish, match, etc…

    I don’t know much about those though.



  55.  #55Daria on February 3, 2010 at 3:38 am

    Mary YES!

    I use a webcam and take like 300 pictures of myself at once, and then choose about 5 and put them up.



  56.  #56Daria on February 3, 2010 at 3:39 am

    Well we can do it this way.

    I will buy the book. Then you can paypal me half of the money, and then I will send u the book.

    What do you think?

    OR… you can buy the book, and I will paypal you, etc.



  57.  #57mary on February 3, 2010 at 3:39 am

    really?

    Facebook?

    oh! i’d hate for my daughters to find my lil site if i put some sexy pictures up…

    !!!

    is there such a thing as classy sexy?



  58.  #58mary on February 3, 2010 at 3:40 am

    hmmmm…

    what about copyright stuff? passcodes?



  59.  #59Daria on February 3, 2010 at 3:42 am

    Mary, you’d have to answer that yourself. (about the classy sexy? is there? Id say yes.) At the same time, maybe your daughters will support their sexy mom? Nothing to be ashamed of being a Goddess.

    Also some photos you can make available only to friends. And you can make your name a nickname, and maybe even have a main photo without showing even your face.

    For example my main myspace photo shows me in what looks like a Wonderwoman outfit, where you can see only my back and hip. lol.



  60.  #60mary on February 3, 2010 at 3:42 am

    um… have any idea how the teleclass works?



  61.  #61Daria on February 3, 2010 at 3:43 am

    We can share them. Like a Mary Daria joint family/Goddess account.

    We can have our password be marydaria or something…



  62.  #62Daria on February 3, 2010 at 3:43 am

    teleclass? hmm i dono i have to look at what that is…



  63.  #63mary on February 3, 2010 at 3:43 am

    mmmmmmm…

    good idea about not showing the face.

    is that your phone number on your website? i could call you, but i wouldn’t want to upset anyone if the phone rang at this hour. is it a cell phone?



  64.  #64mary on February 3, 2010 at 3:45 am

    not showing the face on Facebook!



  65.  #65mary on February 3, 2010 at 3:45 am

    okay. i like the joint account idea.



  66.  #66mary on February 3, 2010 at 3:49 am

    do you do My Space?

    what is the difference?



  67.  #67mary on February 3, 2010 at 3:53 am

    oh.

    a few weeks ago, i picked up two hitchhikers. they were out at about midnight, and it was a guy and a girl, and they really looked like they needed a ride. they were running. i don’t usually do that, but i did that night.

    they were very appreciative.

    the guy was in his early 20s.

    and while i was gone, he left a message on my phone that he and his girlfriend had split up, and he wanted to know if i wanted to come over and “hand out” with him, maybe watch a movie or something.

    i’m a little confused here!

    i could be his mother.

    something terribly not right about him suggesting that. feels pretty awful, like he thought i was coming onto him? surely not.

    wow. what a crazy world.

    i’m gonna call him. tell him i’m into guys my age.



  68.  #68Daria on February 3, 2010 at 3:53 am

    mary – the teleclass i think is a recording.

    I’m also feelint tension because I’m (still) not used to maximizing my money hehe.

    Ok.

    yes that will ring to my cell but it is a little late for me to talk right now. ok i feel nervous to talk to you in person right now!

    aww i feel bad about myself now. Im scared of women! haha

    grr

    that doesnt feel good….

    ok I DO want to talk, but tomorrow during the day would feel better. I feel all night time getting ready for bed now… and I would feel strange

    I feel my heart beating fast!

    ok im going to purchase it now!

    then you can paypal me 15 bucks or we can talk and then paypal me, im starting to feel better about it

    im going to make this purchase first!



  69.  #69mary on February 3, 2010 at 3:54 am

    i mean “hang out”

    !



  70.  #70mary on February 3, 2010 at 3:56 am

    wow.

    i’m so surprised by your reaction! it’s okay though. it is nice to have some anonymity on the blog. i like that. hey. i think i was feeling nervous too. maybe. not sure.

    how to paypal you?

    a little nervous about the copyright thing. i usually just buy a copy.



  71.  #71Daria on February 3, 2010 at 3:57 am

    Mary … hehe!!

    I ahve a guy caling me whos oldest daughter is about my age. He’s only 38. I’m used to dating guys my age too, but I like to expand, because I notice that opens me up to more men, even if its not that particular man.

    I would tell young guy.

    Wow I feel flattered and really awkward. I feel uncomfortable with this age difference, and honestly I don’t drive to men and I don’t want to hang out on a casual level. (something liek that)

    sounds like he thought YOu were hot, not like you were coming on to him

    although so waht if you would have!



  72.  #72Daria on February 3, 2010 at 4:00 am

    Mary yes, well we are not selling it as far as copyright. For example i give my mom a copy of rori’s book to read and don’t charge her. hehe.

    So I feel cool with it. we are two friends, making a purchase that we are putting together our money for.

    hmm…. yes anonimiyt well actually thats not what i was going for. I jsut felt nervous a lil hehe. I guess its cuz i made anotehr online friend and she was telling me how she felt nervous to talk to me. BUt we did finally talk a few days ago. Anyway that stuck with me the idea of feeling nervous.

    So i thought i would share, although honestly i feel really uncomfortable that i feel nervous…

    i feel icky like im a weirdo!!

    =(

    i love my icky feelings. i am so fuckin cute dammit.



  73.  #73mary on February 3, 2010 at 4:01 am

    got any idea how to handle R?

    my thought is just let circular dating take care of the relationship. you know? just get out there and see what happens next!

    i feel ready!

    i’m excited!



  74.  #74Daria on February 3, 2010 at 4:01 am

    Im excited too! for you. I think CD and feeling messages + your truth will definitely handle it.



  75.  #75Daria on February 3, 2010 at 4:05 am

    I am weird and shy of people WHY!!!

    waaah i feel bad!!!

    I love myself but i dont want to feel shy !!!

    grr!!

    i feel angry!!! and concerned



  76.  #76mary on February 3, 2010 at 4:06 am

    you feel fuckin cute, dammit?

    okay.

    i feel…

    like a magical mystical amazingly talented woman.

    saccharin sweet, but i’m going to change that to WICKED.

    smiling all the time, but i’m just going to not smile, twinkle my eyes and open my heart instead.

    yes! maybe i’m ready!



  77.  #77mary on February 3, 2010 at 4:07 am

    not to worry.

    i won’t call!

    just couldn’t figure out how to figure out the paypal thing.

    i kinda feel better to just talk on the blog. even though i talk to tinque all the time.



  78.  #78Daria on February 3, 2010 at 4:11 am

    okay I’ve bought the book and the very beginning of it felt overwhelming with the pictures alternating with text.

    I also FEEL: VERY TRIGGERED by the story of losing her mom.



  79.  #79mary on February 3, 2010 at 4:11 am

    i feel powerful.

    oh. i’ve been waiting for this day for a YEAR.

    i’m here for a few weeks, long enough to get some photos together, then i go help my daughter for a few weeks, then i’m back, and it’s SPRINGTIME!

    and cherry blossoms!

    and my first love is coming to visit!

    oh, so excited about that!



  80.  #80mary on February 3, 2010 at 4:11 am

    looks good?



  81.  #81Daria on February 3, 2010 at 4:12 am

    aww Mary I feel sad. i dont want you to not call. I just mean it would feel better to talk tomorrow during the day.

    I feel all awkward and bad that now you will not want to talk to me anymore.



  82.  #82Daria on February 3, 2010 at 4:14 am

    the way paypal works is i give you the e-mail address i have on it and then you jsut choose the send money option to that address.

    but i dont want to do that tonite either cuz it feels too mentally demanding right now.

    welll… unless you might want the book now right. in which case i can just send it to you and we can figure out the paypal and other stuff tomorrow



  83.  #83mary on February 3, 2010 at 4:15 am

    hey.

    it’s all fine.

    i’ll probably sleep the day away tomorrow, as i’m terribly jet-lagged.

    yesterday (and the day before) i flew on 5 different flights and was traveling for 34 hours!!! so i’m on my own time zone for a while.

    let me know how to get the money to you! and we’ll do that. no problem.



  84.  #84mary on February 3, 2010 at 4:15 am

    let’s figure it out tomorrow; i don’t want to put my email address on here. maybe we can figure out another way.



  85.  #85mary on February 3, 2010 at 4:18 am

    thanks for the convo and talk to you later…

    i’m feeling a breakthrough here.

    maybe.

    i’ve felt it before and it didn’t happen!

    and i actually did the NO CONTACT thing for 6 months with R. and that was amazing for me! i’m SOOOOO hooked on him.

    i think circular dating is the thing.

    hoping so!

    talk to you tomorrow. if i’m not on here, it’s because i’m asleep! not ignoring you…



  86.  #86Daria on February 3, 2010 at 4:23 am

    Okay Mary!

    I feel smily!

    Goodnite!!



  87.  #87mary on February 3, 2010 at 5:34 am

    ohhhh…

    i can’t sleep yet!

    i bought R two silk shirts in Thailand.

    does anyone think i should give them to him? he went on a cruise while i was gone! should i wait to see if he has something for me, just give him the shirts, or blow the whole thing off?

    not sure!



  88.  #88Linda on February 3, 2010 at 7:46 am

    I commented on the last post that I was feel insecure, unhappy and bothered about S’s profession of not feeling “in the mood”. It came on since he lost his job. I felt that there is something more to it. But I have not pushed the issue. My intuition and feelings say something else.

    He has felt cool or closed up for a week now. He had not really given me a good kiss, hug or anything in a week now. I feel rejected and undesired (notice that I did not say undesirable because I SO AM!) He said he isolates himself etc…. yes I know he does that. Men seem to do that to work out their problems etc. but…

    We had a great eveing last nite. Went to a local homeshow. Held hands, laughed, kinda shopped and dreamed togther. Booked a flight to Florida for a week away next week. He seemed to be warming up. He spontaneoulsy kissed me in public… something he doesnt do…. but….

    This morning I looked on his phone, I found my answer to his sudden change. It has a female name.
    I asked him before I responded to his pursuing me again…are you in this for the long haul. He said YES.

    Did he break something off with this woman or did he just start it?.. Her area code is 3 hours away from where we live. I could tell by the text that he drove and met her, in the car I am letting him use of mine.

    Why would he want book flights to florida and take me to meet his Mom there….. I feel confused and not sure what to think. THe bottom line is I am not getting or feeling what I need or want. I dont feel secure and dont feel trust because of our past history. I dont feel good. HE and I have talked about this, he said he deleted his POF profile but I found that he has only hid it….

    GRRRRRR… Looks like I have something on my plate I really wish was not there to deal with. Does he not know I am a smart woman and a real prize! He does but….. GRRRRRRRRRR I am irritated…. on top of it all I got a ticket coming to work this morning. Trying to get out of a jam of trucks and passed and there he was. SIGH….

    Linda



  89.  #89Melany on February 3, 2010 at 8:12 am

    Hi Rori,

    I do not live in the US but I would like to access the information on cd but is there another I could get this without shipping and handling process. Could you make it available on Itunes or somthing like that where they can be purchased?



  90.  #90tinque on February 3, 2010 at 8:15 am

    Oh Mary – It feels so good having you back. I’ve missed you so. Welcome home!!!
    Okay girl – “I think my dad might have been a sex addict.”
    There is is. This is why you were/are to R and why you’re having the darndest time letting him go. Remember we’re attracted to the familiar even if it doesn’t feel good? It’s familiar, and there is comfort in that even though it feels horrible at the same time, but it’s what you know, AND it’s what you as a child equated with love.
    Now you have the awareness and the power and the just plain yummy goddessness to change this pattern.
    xxoo



  91.  #91gina on February 3, 2010 at 8:55 am

    Daria, I wanna know more about what you’re thinking about the Bachelor. Can you believe what went down with Corey?? They seemed like a a perfect match – they both seem a little conservative and wound up tight – they even tighten their mouths in similar ways when they are stressed. It seems like they would make it if they just had more time together.

    It seems like Vienna is winning the game cause she’s the most aggressive, and she’s winning his love cause she’s the most open, supportive and vulnerable.

    It seemed like the moment when he told Alli that Vienna goes out of her way to show him that she’s there for him seemed like a really important moment. Like they both knew it was just a matter of time before Alli was done for. They seemed to have lots of sexual chemistry – I noticed her hands were always by his goods…I wonder if that’s what clouded his judgment. When he watches the show, I can’t imagine that he could like really feel attracted to the way she behaved (lying, gossiping etc).

    Gia is super beautiful, but their connection doesn’t seem too strong. Seems like they just aren’t a match, even though they seem to like each other. In real life, I wonder how these relationships would have played out? Would he have not even seen the other ladies, and just kept chasing after Rozlyn? Would he click with Vienna right away and just stick with her?



  92.  #92Mary Ann on February 3, 2010 at 8:58 am

    Just wanted to post something I found interesting. I had the most romantic weekend with J, and he told me his favorite part was seeing all my different reactions over the weekend, he said that’s what he feeds off of.

    See ladies, Its all about us!!
    xo



  93.  #93Turtle Girl on February 3, 2010 at 9:16 am

    Oh Linda-

    Your story with S feels just awful. It so reminds me of what I went through except I did not look at his phone or anything like that. I don’t even know if he had other women. I just always felt the vibe that he might have. Always felt insecure, anxious around him, not good enough, etc etc.

    The thing is I have learned is this-if a man is not coming toward me, then he is not interested in putting me first, cherishing me and giving to me everything I deserve as a goddess! It’s that simple. If he is not coming toward me, then by definition he is moving away. Yes, they go into their “caves” etc, but that’s not the same things as moving away.
    S is not wanting sex! Mine did that. And then he wanted to “be friends” -and then, pretty soon it was over. Like I said in my old post-it was textbook behavior on the part of men who are getting ready to dump you, or weasel out little by little.

    You said:

    “The bottom line is I am not getting or feeling what I need or want.”

    There it is -right there. You deserve to get what you need and want. If you are not then something is wrong.

    You said: “Does he not know I am a smart woman
    and a real prize?”

    Sound like trying to reach him through your head and his head? Exactly one of the things Rori talks about that DOES NOT WORK. There are smart women everywhere-we are so friggin awesome smart-hell I have a really high I.Q.-so what?
    That is not how we reach them…………it is just an added benefit. Smart is sexy to them, if we have gotten to them through their heart. That is the key.
    And I am still working on figuring out how to do that and not eff it all up. My ex thought I was smart as hell. He even told me he thought smart is sexy.
    But it didn’t keep him around. Later he told me I over-analyze things. It was a turn off.

    I did everything wrong to get my man-
    used my mind
    used my body
    used my “Nicey nice” personality

    NONE of that worked. None of it. Where were my feelings? In my case I had stuffed them, because when I tried to show them he would snarl at me, invalidate me and quickly change the subject. He was on lockdown and would not respond to my feelings AT ALL. Now I know that a normal good man would listen to me. He was not normal. A total narcissist-so not worth the risk. But good men will respond in a good way. I have seen it with my own eyes. Still-after going through the abuse with Mr. Toxic I am that much more afraid to show my feelings with the next guy for fear of being chewed up and spit out. It hurts a lot when they do that. It hurts to be treated like they think you are a sniveling, driveling little wimpy girl that they make fun of and put down for having feelings. That feels terrible.

    Love and hugs,
    Turtle Girl



  94.  #94Linda on February 3, 2010 at 11:46 am

    Turtle Girl… thanks

    I have been on the up and down with S for a year. On again, off again. I had not heard from him for 4 months and he contacted me right before christmas. We talked a bit and ended up meeting on Christmas Eve for lunch. He bared his soul to me that day. I had never ever seen him cry. I was not moved by it, but I must say that the self righteous edge was gone off him and still is. He told me that day that he was sorry he had been a selfcentered willful man. He then professed his love for me. I can tell you that I did not respond to him with and echo, but… with a “show me” I have delivered the no girfriend speech , we have talked about marriage and goals at his intiation. I have recently told him that how things are right now… dont feel good to me. That is when he said he did not feel at liberty to be intimate with my YET. I found that an odd term.

    I would classify him as narsasitc but not totally. Some things fit like a glove and others not at all with him and that definition. There are many things about him that are as different as night and day for the good. It has been like he was a closed guarded flower opening up but now this.

    My statement of being smart an admittal of how I relate to him or have reached him but,… more a statment that “I am no dummy” and he is not fooling me at all. I feel certain that I have gotten into his heart but the level at which he gives is not what I want. He is about to receive another speech from me.

    There are many many things between us that is good and I am greatly enjoying… There are so many things that he never came close to doing last year… (staying in contact, including me in his everyday life, doing things with his children, grandchildren) He even speaks highly and complimentary of me in my hearing, with his friends and aquaintances. (he never did that before…. now going to meet his mother?….

    I have discovered that he is a man that thinks… and if it fits then he will engage his heart. He is heart is engaged but not all the way. I would say 40%. I have prayed much over this and I have some things that have been whispered in my heart, hidden there. I can not tell you how many times miracles have happened between us.

    Lets say that I have my eye wide open. I am not afraid to say what I need to say. My feelings are not stuffed and my mind is grounded in reality here. I feel that at this time I will let this ride a bit. I like you want to be a priority, and felt like I was until he lost the job. I am in a holding pattern right now.

    You know he has done this before, I even found lots of emails he has sent to the women he saw off and on last year while we were on again off again… they all got similar parting letters. (it is just not all there).. is his reason that he repeats and repeats as to why he just cant stay around with them. LOL

    How funny that that will be the reason I give him. I deserve better and will have it. Thank you for sharing and reminders. I appreciate your words and undergirding.

    On hold and with my eye wide open!

    Linda



  95.  #95Katie on February 3, 2010 at 11:46 am

    If us women were nakedly honest, truthful, and authentic with all and everyone but especially with those people closest. The world would change. I mean really change!

    I am practising, because I feel this is so important.



  96.  #96Katie on February 3, 2010 at 11:50 am

    All it is saying, all Rori is saying is be authentic and in the moment, whatever we are however we are – be real!

    I love it – and I am getting better at feeling messages, which rocks 100% yeah!!!



  97.  #97Linda on February 3, 2010 at 11:51 am

    I want to add.. that I am able to be ME when I am with him… just not in the physical area. I remember he used the word YET. Last night I was just being me at the home show. He seemed quite delighted and smitten… even spontaeously kissed me like he ment it. All curious to me… and this is the reason I am on hold here. This is the choice I am making for today.

    Linda



  98.  #98Daria on February 3, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Linda — I have just started reading. “In the car I let him use of mine!”

    OHHH NOOO. I feel really triggered. OH LINDA. I wish I would never hear another word about S again, except how he is flapping on the back of your horse.

    Please please tell us about your other Circular Dates.



  99.  #99Robin on February 3, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    From today’s e-letter:

    “making plans and then,inviting him to come and join you…Offering to cook for him…Creating a “special occasion”

    Ok, now I remember from ‘Targeting’ that we want to give BACK, and that we dont want him to see us handle money, ans so we can do a picnic, or INVITE him to our house for dinner and have take-out, unless we really like to cook.”

    So I guess my question is how do you bring it up that you want to do something for him w/o looking like and doing the chasing??

    My fav guy is still in the picture, but just barely, I get a txt once a week and se him maybe once a week, we went to lunch Sunday, after I had a bout of anger, he was supposed to txt me about getting together for the week, early in the week I was assuming, and he waited til Fri to tell me he would be out of town fri and sat. So when he saw me sun, he asked me to lunch, I said ok, but by then, I wasnt upset, I just forgot about it, figured it was too much trouble to be upset..

    Anyway, I invited him to my house…but Im not gonna cook, I cant cook to save my life…



  100.  #100Daria on February 3, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    Hmm… Robin I would feel resentful towards this guy.

    Maybe ask him to bring something yummy to eat?

    I feel unsure.

    Really when I feel weird with him I would not be wanting to do stuff for him.

    Doing stuff for him is for giving back, that is when we feel so loved by him it happens practically spontaneously



  101.  #101Rori Raye on February 3, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    Welcome Suzi!



  102.  #102Rori Raye on February 3, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    Gina – re the Bachelor – I feel certain that so much of this is scripted – I can’t believe the producers didn’t ask Vienna to go searching for Jake at the winery, and then go to his room – I mean, the cameras were waiting for her….but, for me, the bungee jump was unfakeable. She was terrified. It was such a stressful situation – everyone’s true self comes out. Last season with Jason at the bungee jump, Molly wasn’t anywhere near as scared, and Jason was much more okay than Jake, so it was very different. And still, it was the bungee jump that bonded him to Molly in the end, against his instincts. Perhaps later on we would see that Vienna is a drama queen emotional mess – but judging from the bungee jump, and handling all the stress of the hostility they’re throwing at her from the other girls, she’s actually, possibly, pretty strong and together – just young. They’ve plotted another drama thing this next week – and –I think I was wrong about him. He actually seems a bit…soulful. This is my favorite season so far – they’ve sort of stopped trying for the “reality” and gone for the drama, and it’s very interesting and entertaining. Corey was so totally closed off – a man doesn’t want a copy of himself – that’s masculine Stance – he wants a girl. I don’t know if Rozlyn was a turning point for him, or if he would have chased her to the end – but I somehow think not. She was a man in a dress, and I think he was on the road to figuring out what he didn’t want. I think he bonded with Vienna at the bridge and that was that. Rori



  103.  #103Starlight_29 on February 3, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    Hi Rori and all my sisters,

    i need to vent my emotions, need upliftment and advice.

    HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BIT OF FUN…..
    so why do i feel so scared, i picked him because i thought i could detach from him because he sooo wasnt my type, yes attractive but a large ego which is a turn off for me, i met him a well over year ago when i was on the verge of breaking up with my ex, thought at the time yuk show off…flashy car, flashy clothes=player, wants to get in my kickers….oh pls get away!

    even tho he was telling me he wanted to settle down and have children, i didnt belive that…..prob just liked the babymaking part yes lol

    We started talking two weeks ago and on the second…(well 3rd date if you count our first date way back when)

    i had sex…..yes i planned this, i havent had sex in 4 months and before that was nearly a year, i was fed up of waiting to find someone who was serious about being in a relationship with me, hey i got needs….. i want to touched kissed hugged, i was feeling suppressed holding back these feelings of passion i wanted to express them!

    So i choose him and it was great! i was so suprised that it was so good lol
    we spent the whole day togther at his house, made me breakfast we had debates and we watched a dvd i even met his sister!

    he says he wants to be in a serious relationship with me, i brushed him off, laughed, rolled my eyes, told him lets take it slow theres no need to rush, i dont take him seriously, but now its been 4 days and we have only txted each other and im a nervous, im missing him no phone call why?? it wasnt supposed to be a one night stand he was supposed to be a friend with benefits lol

    YES im that i should not have done it stage!
    im scared of the rejection, i dont know how to act, im tryna play it cool, but it aint working

    WHY OH WHY DO I DO THIS TO MY SELF?

    I KNOW I CANT HANDLE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS

    UNLESS I REALLY DONT LIKE YOU BUT THEN IT’S NOT AS FUN AND FEEL GROSS ANYWAYS *SIGH*

    Im dating others (had a breakfast date this moring and im feeling sad because im not intrested in them, i missing him and i wansnt supposed to feel like that!

    how do you curcular date guys you dont really like? nice guys dont get me wrong but they do NOTHING for you!

    were is the fun in that when all you think about is that one guy when your on a date with another????

    i already sent a text telling him im missing him and im wondering if hes missing me, that was 3 hours ago and no reply….. DUMB ASS MOVE RIGHT!

    Thats what happens when you take your friends advice! she told me i should stop playing hard to get because that can come accross as cold and not intrested and i wont get a man like that…..i listen to her because she has been in a relationship for 9 years now, but now i feel like a fool 🙁

    I feel WEAK tyna play a game i cant handle

    how the hell do i rectify this? im thinking of deleting the number and forgeting all about him, because thats the only way i feel i can get my power back YES I LIKE TO BE IN CONTROL

    I HATE looking weak or needy and the older i get the worse it becomes.

    DO YOU FIND IT HARD GETTING TO KNOW THE OPPERSITE SEX AS YOU GET OLDER??

    Everything is just complicated
    when i was younger it was so easy

    now everyone has ISSUES/BAGGAGE

    BILLS TO PAY, CHILDREN, HOUSES

    everything is calculated

    its a game you have to play

    i love to flirt but i hate games

    SO i guess im going to LOOSE

    Im going to turn 30 in march, and i want to be with someone who is a great match with me but at the same time im scared……

    i want to be married and live a great life, but deep down inside im scared of failing at it…..

    Please sisters pray for me, send some positive thoughts my way

    excuse the spelling lol

    thanks for letting me share, i hope someone understands……i need to grow from this REALLY!



  104.  #104mary on February 3, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    hi!

    hi tinque!

    hi daria!

    Linda,

    I feel sad that you’re needing to check on your man. I do that sometimes with R and it feels awful, and I look at myself doing it and feel pathetic, like “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

    I’m getting ready to circular date! I can feel myself letting go of my reservations. Now it’s just how can I get the dates! And that’s gonna require some effort, but it’s exciting to think that I’m there! And look forward to whomever I might meet.

    Don’t get me wrong. I’m still extremely into R. But… we’re just in this horrible dating pattern. You know? Not terribly sexual (belief system there); not talking about marriage, just going day to day…

    And I just got off the phone with long lost love. He’s in the middle of a divorce, so I’m not even gonna consider him now. He’ll be the fourth in my CD lineup!

    Now, to find the other three…

    Are you game, Linda? Let’s do it together!



  105.  #105mary on February 3, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    Oh, I wish I could get the newsletters! I’ve tried and tried and it just won’t work for me! Sounds like a good one.

    : (



  106.  #106mary on February 3, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    daria, are you around?

    I’ll be home for about 45 minutes. how’s the eBook?



  107.  #107Linda on February 3, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    Hi Mary… I circular dated all last year. I dont have anyone in my rotation right now. I did talk to one guy I used to see last Friday. I will be seeing him again soon. He is kind of a cold fish though. Nice guy but not my type… It seemed when S came back into the picture, I did not get any calls from anyone. I felt that was really really weird!

    Daria… I gotta get my horse saddled up.

    I will keep you posted.

    Linda



  108.  #108mary on February 3, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    Linda,

    Just curious: was the circular dating fun for you?



  109.  #109Lola on February 3, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Hi everyone
    Just subscribing.. : )



  110.  #110mary on February 3, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    anybody have an opinion about whether I should give those shirts to R? is it overfunctioning? we’ve been dating a long time. thai silk shirts from thailand. very standard. very nice. i love them!!!

    i bought stuff for my girlfriends, too.

    he’s coming in 1 hour.

    love an opinion or two!



  111.  #111tinque on February 3, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    I say no Mary, or maybe one, but not three. I’ll the other two and wear them as dresses. lol
    Seriously, it doesn’t feel right to me, but go inside your own heart, and do what she suggests.
    xxoo



  112.  #112Robin on February 3, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Mary, definitely not all 3, possibly one, and only if it feels good to you.

    Whatever you do, once you decide, and do it, just go with that…dont second guess yourself after you’ve done it.



  113.  #113gina on February 3, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    Rori, thanks for the scoop about the bachelor!
    I wonder if anyone would be bonded after the bungee experience? I mean, even corey probably would have opened up…would he have discovered that Vienna was the one if they didn’t have that experience? I wonder if the producers purposefully give the bungee experience to the person they want him to develop strong feelings for…
    I really admire how loving and brave Vienna is. I am learning from watching how her vulnerability is winning him over. Gia is super drop dead gorgeous, but she holds back her heart a bit. And Tinley is adorable, but she’s practically begging him to take her heart, and she doesn’t feel very strong on the inside at the very core. I guess Vienna is looking pretty strong on the inside, soft on the outside. Even when she is leaning forward. Can you give any examples of how women leaning forward is not working for any of the women in the show?



  114.  #114Robin on February 3, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    Im listening to Tony Evans right now on the portrait of a Godly Woman and how our femininity ties into God’s perfect plan.

    I like how the e-letter today talks about how we get scared to just stand there and let him drift away. Thats what Im dealing with right now. And he’s not completely gone, but he’s not exactly ‘crashing his boat’ either.

    I wrote a speech for all this, its just that Im really trying to feel my way through this and the times Im with him haven’t felt right.

    I knew I wanted to invite him to my house, and I know he wants to see where I live (and how I live, I think..)

    When I invited him he smiled and softened a bit and said ‘So you want me to see where I live!’ (Im able to tell now quite well when he lets his guard down and when he closes up. Im able to spot it in his eyes, and Im finding this to be true about other guys as well)

    I also to him I was in a family spades tournament and that I would like it very much if he came.

    All of this felt fine to me, I didnt feel like I was chasing, but I made sure I said it calmly, concisely, and in one sentence. It felt good to invite him, and he seemed very happy to say yes.

    Anyway, here’s the speech I wrote that I dont know when to deliver, but Im banking on the fact that my heart will tell me when. Id love to TWEAK this if there are any suggestions.

    “There’s something that’s been on my heart that I want to say, is now a good time? I feel confused..It felt like we were spending so much time together before and now it feels like we only see each other occasionally.”

    Maybe “There’s something that’s been on my heart that I want to say, is now a good time? I feel confused..It felt like we were spending so much time together before and I miss that.’

    {And I miss hearing from you in between dates, I feel so good when Im with you, but in between I dont want to feel like Im not being paid attention to..”}

    Eww, I cant leave it on the ‘i dont want.’



  115.  #115Rori Raye on February 3, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    Welcome, Starlight, and you are so, so hard on yourself. First, stop ragging on yourself. Second – you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s totally okay to have sex for sex. the part you misssed about really liking him – well, now you know. That’s the lesson…don’t beat yourself up – you needed to learn that – and, please – can you enjoy the sex!!!! Love, Rori



  116.  #116Robin on February 3, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    Starlight, dont beat yourself up. If we all had a penny for every mistake we’ve made, its not the first and it wont be the last, its totally ok.

    I totally relate to the advice your friend gave you. I get that a lot, that all the circular dating will give the good guys the impression that Im not interested in them, that I need to show some interest or they’ll move on and give up..

    EWWWW

    I don’t even know how to begin processing that, let alone navigate through my feelings around it and settle enough into them to know what to do…

    And Im also willing to bet that every one of us on this site can relate to being on a date with a guy who we have ZERO interest in and all we can think about is the guy who does it for us…

    And all we can do is practice being open to them, practice not judging them our ourselves, and looking for a message, practice being present with the guy in front of us, and if he’s not in front of us, he doesn’t exist ( hard as hell, I know)



  117.  #117Daria on February 3, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    Omgosh I feel so excited and delighted!

    That Jamaican guy from New York that I added at the end of the list of Daria’s River of Love show…

    out of nowhere just added me on myspace with his new profile!!! heheheeee!

    im soo psychic



  118.  #118Daria on February 3, 2010 at 6:07 pm

    From Rori-s e-letter:

    We women have all been
    taught to chase after a man. And, the really
    awful thing is that we don’t even know when
    we’re chasing after him. We think we’re being
    nice, or thoughtful, or showing interest — and
    it just couldn’t be further from the truth.



  119.  #119Tina on February 3, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    That’s right Daria , sexy is not a crime! I feel sexy just saying that :). My inner sexiness is not a crime, I was at the grocery store again, I noticed or felt eyes on me, this time it was a younger woman, she was all dressed , quite nicely dressed, I suppose she could have been called “dressed sexy.” I’m standing there looking for light bulbs, she gave me the “eyeball” I felt bad for a minute, because I was dressed in my snowboarding pants and sweatshirt with my “power lipgloss” hehe, NO MAKEUP OMG! anyway, I felt bad that she kinda looked at me that way, I thought to myself, oh sexy is not a crime, my whole body language changed, my body chemistry changed. I then remembered to get milk for my son, I went to the dairy section, the milk he drinks wasnt there, the guy stocking the milk would have gone to milk the friggin cow himself, if that would have made me feel better about it 🙂 , I went to pay for my stuff, behind me where three men standing kinda like in their own world not paying attention, then I started to speak softly to the cashier, they immediately stood up straighter , curious about what I was doing, I looked back and smiled at them, I then went to the bank machine and a guy wanted to have a convo about something he asked me what my name was, I told him, then took off as fast as I could. He said Im going to this bar blah blah blah, I said yeah I might show up I dunno, I dont drink so it’s pointless except to sing :). I said I was planning a trip the following morning and most likely wouldnt go, he seemed kinda bummed. I’m home now, “truckman” called and left two messages asking me to call as soon as I can, his “vibe” changed when we spoke, he seemed less stressed or confrontational grrr , I was ready to pounce if he started his shit with me hehe. I had a meeting today and had to get my son organized before I go so I can be treated like a Goddess 🙂 he got the message. All this is just starting to feel um…put together, all of me , all my parts 🙂

    I used to be focused on the outward bitchiness of other women, I’m a work in progress, yeah a piece of work hehe. My degree of jealousy is in direct proportion with my self esteem, that’s what ive come to learn about myself. I want or at least try to figure out how I can work with my jealousy on the spot, hm, say “thank you” like Rori suggests, to myself of course 🙂 thank you for fueling my self confidence? um dunno, I guess, I’ll have to work with that, especially when “truckman” is around, not for him, not for her , for me , for me for me. a soft inner, quiet confidence.

    I still do stupid shit hehe, I now have a new penpal hehe, he hasnt written back yet. This is the mess Im talking about, I need damage control. This is my situation lol fck! what have I done? lol.



  120.  #120rachel on February 3, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    Rori,

    I just read your email about the things we do to chase… and I was guilty of so many of them! I’m proud to say that I’ve stopped and am learning to shower that time and energy on myself while I wait for my man/men to figure out where this rowboat is going!

    But I do have one question… does there ever come a time in a relationship, where these things are ok? Are you saying that you never call up your husband just to tell him something? Or because you miss him?

    And as for special events… do you never get to plan something special? Or give him a gift for his birthday? Or send him a care package if he’s deployed in the military?

    Is there never a time when I can spontaneously email or call to share something exciting or meaningful? (I do know about making UP something just for an excuse to call… I’m not talking about that)

    I totally GET the leaning back in the beginning stages of a relationship and have seen first-hand that it works! But I can’t imagine being engaged or married to someone and not feeling the freedom to call or text him. Am I understanding this correctly?

    I would really appreciate a little more explanation for long-term relationships. How do you handle this in your marriage? Do you still lean completely back ALL the time?

    Thank you so much!



  121.  #121Daria on February 3, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    Rori – i feel VERY interested in your answer to Rachel!



  122.  #122Tina on February 3, 2010 at 10:36 pm

    Every day, tina, someone new falls in love with you.

    Sometimes many more.

    You can’t deny it,
    The Universe



  123.  #123Starlight_29 on February 3, 2010 at 10:41 pm

    Thank you rori/sisters,

    I think i feel bad about the sex because i fear the rejection, i dont want to fee llike i have just been used, even though i wanted the sex and wanted to feel good, now that we have not spoken i feel like i have been played, i think it comes down to what he said, if he was like i just wanna have fun, i think i could deal with this better but it’s he told me he wanted something serious with me before and after the sex…..deep down i wanted it to be true, i wanted him to surprise me, i wanted to be wrong about this guy and really he was a gem, but i just feel like a fool, how can i possibly enjoy the memory of the sex now?

    If he calls me again i dont know what im going to say, i want to say how i feel but at the same time i know this is my issue so why take it out on him?

    if he never calls me again im gonna feel like i just got played

    its like catch 22 i wait for long, date and there is always some situation, no sex, because im trying to do the right thing i.e wait 90 days get to know him ect but they move on

    i get fustrated, i need loving to, then have sex with someone, i then feel rubbish again wishing i had just waited for mr serious.

    sex for me is always a guilty plesure and it makes me really sad.

    i know its because i want more than just sex, i know i dont really want to have just sex with someone, i want a relationship which will lead to marriage

    i feel like im too old to be sleeping around

    how do i satisfy my needs while dating, i want to be touched by someone, self touch never fully reaches my needs just settles them a bit, but it’s not the same as being with a man your really feeling, i love kissing and touching, im too emotional to have just sex, i really get cold towards you if its just that, i dont want to be like that.

    My mum is a jehovah wittness, i ran away from that when i was 14 but the bible teachings are still strong in me

    sex=guilt

    I dont know how to deal with my feelings, so i hide them as best as i can, so i come accross cold.

    i start a relationship and then worry that its the wrong person and then dig dig dig at them till they run away, i know what im doing but still do it.

    i think im scared of myself…..
    im scared i wont be enough for him
    im scared he wont be enough for me, i will get bored and end it…..then regret it

    i actually expect him to be my all……thats alot of pressure

    this keeps on comming up for me as the years go by i just feel if i keeping going on like this i will never get my husband

    i think i need to cry or somthing to get this out, maybe i will feel better

    i dont think having sex with someone untill i know they are serious is the best think for me, when youhave sex with a man that opens alot of emotions and energy channels which can lead to attachement with someone you really shouldnt be attached to.

    i think we all know when a man is no good for us spirit tends to tell us, but for many reasons I.e lonley, wanting attention, wanting somone to love us and make us feel good we may ignore, just to feel somthing.

    i want to learn how to enjoy sex without feeling guilty,i know there are many issues but this has been from my first ever sexual encounter, i statred young and i got pregnant young too.

    i think i was abused at young age, somthing i have never spoken about because i wasnt sure, i have little memories of being touched by a Dr who used to rent a room from my mum, i used to think i was just making it up but im sure somthing happened,maybe not full on sex but touching?? i would have been about 5-8 maybe that has somthing to do with the issues i have?

    im ready to work……



  124.  #124mary on February 3, 2010 at 10:55 pm

    Hello Rachel,

    I have the same questions as you. And they’re all around the idea of sustainability.

    My own idea is this:

    You figure out how to live your own life and not get swayed by the guy’s plans, and the guy’s ideas, because basically he wants to feed off of you and your feelings and your femininity and your groundedness to the earth, and your airy fairyness and your liquid flowingness, and then…

    after he’s yours…

    if he loses the slightest bit of interest when you do send care packages, and you do call him and tell him about your day, and you do become a viable partner in the relationship, and you do pick up the oars and row a bit, when he’s tired…

    then you get out the tools, dust them off, and start doing them again. stay involved in yourself, your interests, your hobbies, keep your friends and keep yourself on a motivated YOU track, while being a partner, and if any interest is flagging, and it’s not because of illness, or bad fortune, or being hurt by friends or relatives… if he’s reaching into himself rather than relating to you… just pull away and do your thing for a while.

    let him have space.

    my worry is that if people want what they can’t have, why will a guy want me if he gets me? and if all guys want lots of sex partners, how can i keep any of them? i can’t be lots of different women at once.

    my own little answer to that is that sustainability is very much something that both people must want, and both people must find the maturity or grow into the maturity to be able to accomplish.

    so picking the right person is pretty important.



  125.  #125Starlight_29 on February 3, 2010 at 10:56 pm

    Can’t i just strip my self bear of all the things that have happend to me in the past, how do you erase all the negative things/teachings belliefs/ways/thoughts and start again?

    Im crying but it isn’t enough, i cant sleep, i know this is happening for a reason, GOD my creator/ universe show me whats the next step to clear this

    How to strip……..



  126.  #126mary on February 3, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    oooooooh. starlight!

    hello and welcome!

    you just described the way I feel! so sexually frustrated! so ready for a relationship, but I am distrusting now that a man can commit to only me and be satisfied with only me.

    maybe it’s not the relationship that will satisfy a man. maybe he has to find satisfaction in his spirit before he can commit to a woman.



  127.  #127mary on February 3, 2010 at 11:09 pm

    Robin,

    I’m so curious about the eLetter! “just stand there and let him drift away…”

    i really need to read that!

    is there any way you can copy it to a comment?

    rori, is there any way you could put your eLetters on your website for those of us who can’t receive them? i would really love to read them!

    thank you!



  128.  #128mary on February 3, 2010 at 11:15 pm

    so i picked R up at the airport yesterday (okay? overfunctioning.)

    and we went to his place, and he had a stomach ache, so i left. it was weird because there was no affection at all. even when i have a stomach ache, the guy knows it that i’d like to be close, just can’t at the moment.

    and today he called and wanted to take me to Costco. so we went, and went to his place, and he got a headache, so he drove me home. it was weird because there was no affection at all. even when i have a headache, the guy knows it that i’d like to be close, just can’t at the moment.

    and this was his pattern. he shuts himself down from me. and i’ve HAD IT with this pattern!

    i’ve HAD IT.

    i’m DONE.

    it’s OVER! (but don’t quote me in the morning)

    i’m MMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDD.

    and terrified.

    now what?

    it’s a big black hole and i’m lost in it.

    i’m standing and watching him drift away…



  129.  #129mary on February 3, 2010 at 11:18 pm

    i’m not sure if i can go through this hell again. and there is no way to prevent it.

    oh!

    i wish i could just not want to have a man in my life. lying there beside R tonight (his back to me), i knew that that will never happen for me. i will probably die at 100 wanting a man beside me.

    will there be another chance?

    looks grim.



  130.  #130Tina on February 3, 2010 at 11:25 pm

    Mary, just give yourself a big hug and say “I love you no matter what, Mary”



  131.  #131mary on February 3, 2010 at 11:25 pm

    i gave him two shirts. one muslin, very conservative but with an eastern looking collar… and the other a thai silk shirt with a super small, barely noticeable pattern.

    he was looking at them, not commenting. i said, “do you like either one of them?” and he said, “truthfully? not really.”

    i feel okay about giving them to him. just wish he was easier to please. yes. i guess i wish a lot of things. that he was more affectionate. that he was less conflicted. that he didn’t have major sex addiction issues, like shutting himself down when he begins to feel intimate.

    i know he loves me.

    that’s the really, really sad part.

    oh, it’s just a typical breakup! but when it happens to ME, it rips my heart in two! makes me wonder what i’m doing in this world. makes me wonder why to even go through mundane daily activities, and do the next things on my list. makes me wonder everything…

    and some people are happily married all their lives and have never even gone through this. i know! they have other heartaches… but…

    i must learn. i must learn. i must learn.

    how to choose more wisely so my heart does not bleed like this ever again.

    oh.



  132.  #132gina on February 4, 2010 at 12:59 am

    Starlight, as I was reading, I was nodding my head in agreement – I can totally relate to so much of what you were saying. I’m your age, and I am having a lot of the same weird feelings about getting older and wanting intimacy, and fearing it at the same time. I can also relate to the experience of having sex and feeling overwhelmed by my new feelings for the guy, and underwhelmed by his response. But I think I was being too hard on me, and being too hard on him, too. It’s actually refreshing to hear from you because I can relate so much, and I know I would beat myself up in similar situations, yet I can see that you don’t deserve to be beat up at all. I hope you can be kind to yourself and remain open to the possibilities!!! Warm energy and support coming your way!!!



  133.  #133Daria on February 4, 2010 at 2:13 am

    who went to the bar/show all by herself and had a blast!

    ME!! thats 2who!!

    wooo hooo!!!!



  134.  #134Daria on February 4, 2010 at 2:28 am

    Starlight you can try EFT for the stripping…



  135.  #135Daria on February 4, 2010 at 2:28 am

    Mary we are a viable partner in the relationship without picking up the oars…



  136.  #136Daria on February 4, 2010 at 2:29 am

    Daria you did a really really great job I encourage you to do this again that was FUN!



  137.  #137Linda on February 4, 2010 at 3:58 am

    Mary… Circular dating was something I had to make myself do at first. It does the things that Rori says it will. For me, (deep down) I am still a monogomas dater but I have learned to do and often enjoy the other.

    I have read some of your comments. R sounds similar to S. It is like they want you then when you are there they close up. I wish S was more affectionate. I almost told him he could go lay down in his bed and sleep now because I was leaving for work. I did not say it though. My drama queen is standing on the edge here, hands on her hips, ready to spew. My warrior woman is protecting my heart and remains resolute in this situation. I am definately not carried away or living in a dream with him.

    He is so lazy. Unemployed at the moment and concerned about paying rent but sitting on his A**. and not looking for a job. He said “how am I gonna pay my rent”?… I said I dunno. I want a man who will call me, is concerned for me.

    I wonder why it is that when you finally admit that you love them… they then relax and take you for granted can be avoided. I HATE this! My Ex husband did the same thing. 29 years of it…. then when I left he said…”I thought you would always be there”.. grrrrrr

    The good thing in all this is…. I am internalizing any of this, thinking or worring what is wrong with me. I am not feeling sick inside, rejected or concerned with what is lacking in me, taking all the blame for me not getting what I need….. INSTEAD I am centered and CONFIDENT. I am only frustrated not devistated that this is not going the way I want. It is easy for me to stay focused on what I want and not settle. This is VERY different from how I used to be. This feels really good to me. This pressure has shown me that I have grown and made great progress and am much healthier than I used to be.

    I am looking for action, affection, passion. I dont buckle under pressure… I am not even sad or hurt that he talked or met or whatever… this other woman. I have MY POWER, I did not give it to him.

    I am smiling about this.

    Linda



  138.  #138mary on February 4, 2010 at 5:19 am

    Here’s what I don’t understand about circular dating:

    what is therapeutic about it?
    how does it help you work on your issues?
    how does it help you work on trauma?
    how does it elevate the men that you’re seeing?

    And where do you find all these men?



  139.  #139mary on February 4, 2010 at 5:29 am

    and, you know… it’ll probably be obvious once i get out there!

    i think i’m gonna go slowly. just start making friends, seeing people and getting out and about first. go to coffee! reconnect! maybe have a PARTY! yippeeeeeeee!
    i love it when i have parties! now THAT will be therapeutic!



  140.  #140Katie on February 4, 2010 at 5:59 am

    Mary – hello, I’ve been following your comments for these past months. I understand a litle about what you must have been going through with R.

    Answering your questions above. I think that ‘circular dating’ can be seen as an ‘attitude’ as much as a reality.

    I understand how you feel (a little anyway) and I felt the same, in that it seemed an odd way of finding solace ie -‘do I really want/need more guy problems?’ But I have found it’s about the attitude I have about myself, my life, in relation to everybody.

    I feel more expansive now about how I approach relationships – all of them not just romantic. It is about making friends, dating yourself, hugging yourself and for me has been a big step in loving myself – infact all this blog has helped me do this.

    In Mod/Siren Rori talks about stepping out of the cage. When I am in my ‘cage’ I feel safe with what is comfortable and what I know. Rori talks about women wanting to grab a man into their cage and slam the door shut! The ‘idea’ of c/dating is to venture beyond perceived limits and find ‘more’ of myself – expansion. Perhaps then to find a relationship which is not subject to same patterns and mistakes as before.

    I don’t know if this helps? Hugs anyway to you xx



  141.  #141Katie on February 4, 2010 at 6:08 am

    I miss T my ex – still do after 6 months apart. Went for a walk with him last Sunday.

    First I felt anticipation and excitement mixed with a need to step back from his invitation. It felt good to see him though and we talked about other people – nothing personal – I was leaning back.

    To be honest I found his company a little boring, like what was all the fuss about, over THIS guy – huhhh? Partly I felt like that because I have spent time in the company of other men who I really like or even REALLY like, which has helped me to put Mr T in perspective.



  142.  #142rachel on February 4, 2010 at 6:26 am

    Yayyy!!! Katie!

    That is a huge victory! Rori keeps promising us that better and better men will appear as we cherish ourselves and I am finding that to be true.

    I am experiencing the same thing… the man I obsessed over all of last year is not impressing me so much! I still enjoy talking to him, but I am finally able to stand back and wait to see what he will do. The distance has enabled me to see that he is kinda “boring” and not very good at the whole romance thing! So many of the “magical moments” of our relationship were created by MY energy.

    I am so happy for you!!! Regardless of where things go or don’t go with T, you are in a much better place! Hugs!



  143.  #143mary on February 4, 2010 at 6:28 am

    Hmmmm… that helps, Katie! That last part about being bored in his company! Wow. I wonder if that will ever happen with R? That sounds like recovery. I like your ability to lean back so easily. And you were able to do that because of circular dating?

    and I like the idea of an attitude change about myself. i tend to look at myself through the mirror of how i’m treated by one and only R.

    okay. I’m IN.

    !!!



  144.  #144mary on February 4, 2010 at 6:32 am

    Thanks Linda!

    I like this: “I am only frustrated not devastated that this is not going the way I want. It is easy for me to stay focused on what I want and not settle.”

    I hope I can feel that way, too!



  145.  #145Lori on February 4, 2010 at 6:37 am

    Mary,

    Circular dating is therapy in 4 ways in my opinion:

    1) it gives you the chance to practice the tools early on with men you’re not attached to so that you become better with them and more confident. That way you’ll be good at them by the time you meet one who tempts you to fall back into your old patterns.

    2) It shows you that all kinds of men are interested in you, so it boosts your confidence.

    3) It keeps you from getting into the girlfriend trap so you can better see through different men exactly what you do and don’t want in your ultimate relationship.

    4) It keeps you busy so you don’t fixate over how often one particular man is or isn’t calling etc.



  146.  #146Lori on February 4, 2010 at 6:41 am

    Oh, and by getting out and meeting new people in different circles, you open yourself to more possibilities. I met a couple through an old circular dating guy who is no longer in my rotation and they introduced me to another man who I have a date with tonight and this one DOES seem like an improvement over some of the older ones!



  147.  #147Simply Shannon on February 4, 2010 at 6:57 am

    Starlight: Like Gina, I feel in agreement with a lot of what you wrote. A whole lot. This part in particular…

    i know its because i want more than just sex, i know i dont really want to have just sex with someone, i want a relationship which will lead to marriage. i feel like im too old to be sleeping around.

    I’d been holding off having sex with anyone and then last weekend, I had sex with Mr. Fab Kisser. And even though he loves me, I felt bad afterwards. All the old insecurities crept in. And some major guilt because I am recently saved. Hello – I just sinned. Horrible, horrible feelings of guilt and shame. So now I’ve begged God for forgiveness and repented. Mr. Fab Kisser is aware of all of this, and he’s completely cool with it. He knows we won’t be having sex again. *I* am the one who freaked. *I* am the one who almost broke it off with him because I clearly do not have a handle on this aspect of my life.

    I don’t want to separate my desire for sex and my desire for love… even if it would make my life easier. Casual sex would be easy, but it’s not what I want. I can forgo having sex until I’m married. This is about self control and knowing what I want. I can kid myself all day long that I just want to feel good and explore sex and do whatever I want. For me that simply isn’t true. It cheapens the act. It makes sex common, like eating or swimming. Just something I can do to make my body feel good. I want sex to be bigger than that. I want sex to be an expression of love between two people. The gift from God that it is. I believe this now. I want this. The whole enchilada. Deep meaningful sex.

    I dunno. I’ve been changing my view on sex. I’m tweaking as Rori says. And having sex with mr. Fab Kisser reinforced that view. In the moment, it felt fabulous and my body loved every minute of it. I know it would feel good again. In fact, my body wants to feel that way again even now when I know I would feel bad afterwards. Grrr. It feels frustrating to say the least.

    I don’t know if Mr. Fab Kisser is Mr. Right. And I don’t want to give my body to someone I’m not 100% sure about. For me, I can’t do that without marriage, unless the forever commitment is there.



  148.  #148Simply Shannon on February 4, 2010 at 7:07 am

    Mary,

    I feel angry reading that R said he didn’t like the shirts. How did you feel when that happened? Did he at least appreciate the gift? I would almost feel heartbroken and sad. Yuck. That feels really bad. And the stomachache and headache… again, that feels really bad. I would be thinking “didn’t you miss me? don’t you want to hold me?” I’m picturing him sleeping with his back to me and… ugh… that feels horrible.

    My girl says:
    what am I doing here?
    why am I laying here?
    doesn’t he want to touch me / cuddle me / kiss me?
    cold shoulder after all this time?
    I feel lonely
    I feel angry
    I don’t want to be laying in bed next to someone who doesn’t want me or miss me
    I don’t want to waste one more second of my life
    Gosh, I feel bored
    Ugh, this feels awful AND boring

    My boy protects my girl and says:
    get the hell out of this bed and go home
    stop talking to him
    date other men

    I really, really wish everyone would circular date. Just try it. Each day that passes and we continue to feel miserable is another day lost. I feel sad and judgemental. And like I’m talking to myself here.



  149.  #149Simply Shannon on February 4, 2010 at 7:08 am

    Daria: Yeah for going to the bar by yourself!! I feel so proud of you!!! You are a rockstar!!! 🙂



  150.  #150mary on February 4, 2010 at 7:28 am

    Hi Shannon,

    No! you’re not talking to yourself! On the contrary, you’re an amazing listener. And that little sojourn into my scenario really made me feel validated. I suddenly feel much better! much, much better! that you understood so completely and fleshed it out. THANK you!

    I understand your angst about sex now that you’re a believer. I have wrestled with it too, having become a believer at an early age, and during the one, brief time when I was circular dating, before I met R, the guys dropped out as quickly as they found me. They’d be very excited, but by the fourth or fifth date, there’d be some discussion about sex, and then they’d stop calling. Except R. And we know the story there.

    My passionate nature is often at war with my belief system, so that I often find myself playing the victim. I hear about other people’s sex lives, and I’m envious, when I could have a life like that if I chose it! It’s silly, because I have the power to choose my course: I can either change my beliefs or I can stand by them, celebrate them and realize that I’m choosing the greater good in the long run rather than the temporary, feel-good solution. Instead, I don’t choose! I stay in conflict, because I know that my beliefs are not going to change, and I’m not ready to give up the hope of the fulfillment of my desires… and sometimes the marriage prospect seems far, far away…

    One thing that I couldn’t help but notice when all that stuff happened in Oct, Nov and Dec. When there two guys around, intensely jealous of each other. If I had not been sort of sexual with them and JUST KISSED THEM, which is what my doctor says is the safest thing, then I think it would have been easier. The jealousy wouldn’t have taken over then! Maybe that’s why No Sex Before Marriage is a biblical standard: because it works! I don’t think that the principles are there in order to restrict us, or test us, or make us stronger through frustration. I think they’re there because they work, and they provide an easier life for us if we follow them. Some Christians go so far as not even kissing or hand-holding, and I just think that is extreme. But there is something to be said for holding back and valuing sex as something sacred…

    I’m with you there!

    and thank you again for joining me for a brief moment in my personal journey… i appreciate that so much.

    !!



  151.  #151mary on February 4, 2010 at 7:34 am

    Lori,

    I’m gonna get out there and practice the tools, become very good at listening and receiving and simply enjoy myself for a while!

    Thank you.

    Mary



  152.  #152mary on February 4, 2010 at 7:38 am

    I have tickets to the opera on Saturday. That’s really what got me into this whole mess! I invited a guy to the opera (oh! i hate to go to something like that with another woman!)

    I’m wondering if it’s terribly leaning forward to ask someone to go?

    Yes, okay. I know it is.

    So, just go with a girlfriend? Ooooooooooh. I don’t want to!

    Maybe I will just go and enjoy the empty seat next to me! I love it when I have space around me!



  153.  #153tinque on February 4, 2010 at 7:42 am

    “Do you still lean completely back ALL the time?”
    Rachel – I would say not ALL the time but much of it. It gets more flowy and easier when you’ve been with someone for a long while, when things are really good between you. A natural spontaneity develops.
    K still initiates affection most of the time, but I will when the urge envelops me reach for him, and he loves this.
    Lately I initiate sex most of the time which is fine, great even for awhile, but I get to a point, as of this morning by coincidence that I feel it’s now time for me to lean back and let him take charge. Even if it means less sex for a bit. The energy between us starts to feel a bit off to me. That’s how I know.
    Of course I take very good care of him on his birthday and at Christmas. And I love to plan surprises. I leave date planning and trip planning, anything logistical to him. Though I will on occasion make suggestions.

    And MARY – NOT ALL MEN WANT SEX WITH LOTS OF DIFFERENT WOMEN. There are a great many men who only want the one they’re with, can’t even imagine being with anyone else.
    xxoo



  154.  #154tinque on February 4, 2010 at 7:45 am

    Ooooh opera – We have tickets to see/hear Tosca on my birthday. Which opera are you seeing? I say go with a girlfriend.
    xxoo



  155.  #155Linda on February 4, 2010 at 7:57 am

    Simply Shannon… what you wrote, is exactly what I feel and say to myself.
    Well said…. I do struggle with the sexual part of relationship becasue of my beliefs too.

    This is part of why I am on hold and doing life.

    Linda



  156.  #156Simply Shannon on February 4, 2010 at 8:57 am

    I’m beginning to wonder if it’s really just my Christian beliefs. I don’t want to feel limited or feel guilt or shame around sex. It is a BEAUTIFUL thing. I guess I’m seeing that I can choose to make sex be a cracker (common, satisfying a craving kind of thing) or I can make it creme brulee (which I love and is an amazing treat for me).

    Where I have been in conflict is that sex is this glorious, beautiful thing, and *I* am treating it like some commodity to “have”. Like an itch that needs to be scratched, when what I really want is a full body massage for days on end.

    It almost feels the same as the belief that having any man is better than having “the man”, the one that is meant for me.

    I don’t know. I’ve had my experimental phase and I appreciate that part of my life. I just know what I don’t want. And I don’t want to cheapen sex. I don’t want to cheapen my marriage bed.

    How do we expect a man to honor our marriage bed if we don’t honor it too?

    I know I’m going way out on a limb here but these are my thoughts lately FOR MYSELF. I don’t feel judgemental towards anyone who is having sex. (See note above to know that I recently had sex, so being judgemental would make me a hypocrite.) I’m simply experimenting for myself and changing my beliefs around sex.

    I’m tweaking because I’m really tired of feeling bad after sex. It erases the entire feel good feeling in the moment. The aftermath is simply not worth it.

    So why is my belief so limiting that I can’t imagine my single life without sex?

    Do I truly believe that I’ll be single that long?

    Do I truly believe that I’ll die without it for awhile?

    Do I truly believe that no man will date me if I don’t have sex with him?

    Do I truly believe that a man cannot be faithful?

    So many questions floating through my head.

    It feels good to ponder these things. It feels good to know that I can release these limitations. It feels good to STOP believing a man won’t wait til marriage. It would feel great to know that me and the man I marry honored our marriage bed. I would feel trusting of a man who would honor me that way.

    I feel grateful for my bad feelings around sex right now. It’s spurring me to tweak things a bit and do what feels good to me instead of ignoring them and just doing it out of fear (and masking it that fear by saying I want sex). Welcome to my tricky brain.



  157.  #157rachel on February 4, 2010 at 10:51 am

    Simply Shannon,

    I love your tricky brain. I love that you’re asking deep questions and wrestling with things that are uncomfortable but so important! The answers will come when you are ready to receive them. You are growing stronger, more brilliant and beautiful every day!

    Hugs



  158.  #158Turtle Girl on February 4, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Hi all you beautiful sexy sirens!

    Confessions of a middle aged goddess…..

    I went for 7 years once celibate. that’s right-no sex at all for 7 years!!! By choice-I had “issues” over lots of stuff. When I was ready to date again and be with men-then I felt differently about sex and men and all of it.

    Circular dating for me has worked really well. Not perfect but good.

    It is simple-my momma used to say “Honey, don’t put all your eggs in one basket, if you drop it and they break, you have no eggs and you will be hungry and feel bad.” I love this-so true.

    I was raised all “church y” by people who thrived on guilt and all that icky stuff. I got over it. I realized one day that I owned my body and could do whatever I pleased with it. It all depended on how I felt about any given situation. If the other person has a problem with it-then well-that is their issue, not mine. I do not wish to hurt anyone nor I wish to get hurt. Sometimes sex feels like I want to just let myself go and be ravished and not care what he thinks and sometimes, it just doesn’t feel like I should do that. All depends on the man and what’s going on between us. I know this-the more I get all needy with the sex equals put you in a cage thing-then I know that it is best to not have it at that time. When I am feeling like a sexy goddess rock start and don’t feel the need to throw the guy into a cage then yeah baby, bring on the juicy night of love making………

    Mary-you said: Where do you find men?
    Oh, they are everywhere. The hardware store, the post office, the gym, all over. I am on a dating site on-line and men email me from that. I am over fifty and age has NOTHING to do with any of this kind of thing. I am actually having a better time now that I ever did at 25 or 30.
    Go figure. But what I know for me is that when I am angry, resentful, shut down, broken, hurting or anything like that I DO NOT SEE THEM AND THEY DO NOT SEE ME. WHEN i AM READY, WILLING, SMILING, OPEN AND LOVING, MEN COME OUT OF THE WOODWORK TO TALK TO ME. It is some kind of energy thing that is in play and is real even though you can not touch it.

    Rachel-
    I love what you said about most of the magic in the relationship was created by your energy put into it. Yes! That is it exactly! I can remember how I was all there and he was not. I would touch and kiss and be loving, and he would just sit there and not even respond. Like a cold stone letting me caress and be physical and affectionate with him and he had to do nothing. Oh, looking back on it, I am so glad I left. What a total waste of my beautiful goddess sexiness. What a waste of my time, except to have learned a lesson I needed to learn, apparently. So. Head um up, move em out, rawhide!!!!



  159.  #159mary on February 4, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    I love all this talk!



  160.  #160Robin on February 4, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    Mary; Just read your post. If you go to the home page of Rori’s site, there is a pink box about halfway down with a spot to subscribe to her e-letter.

    If you’d like I can email it to you. You can reach me on my website, or you can post here, and I will forward it to you.



  161.  #161mary on February 4, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Ooooooooh, thank you so much! I’ll subscribe again and see what happens.

    Then I’ll contact you! Thanks.

    I’ve been thinking about “standing there, watching him slip away.” Oh! it sounds so sad.



  162.  #162Robin on February 4, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    Lol, a guy who APPEARS to be the male version of ‘Me’ messaged me.

    Hmm…A mirror, perhaps…
    Im liking what I see!

    He asked some questions and then said, “tell me more”

    ROTFLMAO Awesome!



  163.  #163Robin on February 4, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Mary, yes, it does sound sad, It feels sad when its happening.

    And yet, it feels more solid than going and trying to make something happen.

    Weird



  164.  #164Katie on February 4, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Rachel
    I felt about the same and it rings bells for me what you said – “I am finally able to stand back and wait to see what he will do……So many of the “magical moments” of our relationship were created by MY energy.”
    Mr T is not a romantic guy either. I was ready for a commitment and he wasn’t – so yes I am like you standing back and seeing if he will do anything at all? Obsessing, yes for several months and yes I still can enjoy his company. What you said here about YOUR energy creating the magic moments, yep that figures too now I come to think about it.



  165.  #165Daria on February 4, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    I’m going on a lunch date right now with a guy i met last nite.

    lunch date is in MY city of course!!

    soooo excited and happy
    \
    ]i just had an amazing EFT session too with Carna at

    http://www.magicaleft.com

    ohhh i feel so good ill teell you all about it when i return if i feel like it hehe



  166.  #166Katie on February 4, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Mary
    I can lean back fairly easily I think that is true but not as a result of circular dating though – just always have been able to just ‘be’, a bit reserved perhaps.

    BUT the big realisation personally about leaning back was that I ALSO have a big habit of stuffing my feelings into my boots! I am on a steep learning curve now to keep in contact with my feelings while I am leaning back. Strong on the inside and soft on the outside!

    It feels so special and real when I can be like that even in my own company!



  167.  #167Katie on February 4, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    Daria
    Hope you lunch date goes well – and yes please do tell ALL when you get back!
    HugsXX



  168.  #168Katie on February 4, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    Mary
    Quote – “I’ve been thinking about “standing there, watching him slip away.” Oh! it sounds so sad.”

    I wonder if it is just out of our hands anyway? Like we can try too hard to make something work. Then the FEAR is that when we stop TRYING it will just slip away. But if it happens on an energy level between man/woman then if it is gonna be then IT WILL. If he’s wanting the same outcome then it won’t slip away. Fate or serendipity or something will help out. That’s when ‘magic’ happens and all we have to do is be there and not screw it up!! If that makes any sense – or maybe I am just rambling! 🙂



  169.  #169mary on February 4, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    yes, daria! have fun!

    katie – i’m like that, too. stuffing my feelings, but going along easily, and i’m not a forward thinker, so i have no trouble leaning back, except… that i like to show people i love them. not a 2 on the enneagram though. not a compulsive gift giver. just love to be there for people.

    thanks everyone. i’m stepping out now, and was invited to a celebration dinner because i passed my test! so that feels so wonderful, especially in light of what is happening with R.

    i was pretty devastated last night. thank you all for responding.

    didn’t mean to sound judgmental or moralistic about sex – just was tracking with you, simply shannon! my own views and beliefs have given me problems over the years because i feel left out of all the fun everyone else is having!

    but… there is a flip side, and i’m thankful for that, too.



  170.  #170Katie on February 4, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    Mary
    Yes I am abit the same and I have a lot of love and affection to give even despite being so good at stuffing feelings into my boots!
    Hey you passed – that’s great news!



  171.  #171Starlight_29 on February 4, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    Hi sisters,

    well he called me and i had a nervous feeling in my stomache, i felt like crying, telling him off and relived so i just breathed…. he could tell somthing was up and asked me “whats wrong? why so quite?”

    i said “nothing just breathing, im tired and im not feeling to good i havent been sleeping well so im laying down in bed” he said “somthings on your mind that you need to deal with, it happens somthimes”

    I said yeah…..

    he says “im sorry i havent called you i been so busy at work doing late shifts but i thought you would call me why havent you called me?”

    i said well i was expecting you to call me, as you said you going to call me plus as i know your busy at work……..(was that ok?)

    he said yea i been really busy ect ect

    we talk about other things he tells me he is proud of me, because when he met me i was a very big girl like 300+ pounds and now im 180

    so we get into that, he said he will try to call me later after work…….

    mmmm i still not happy about the way i delt with this, im doing the tools set out in the have the relationship you want book.

    I need to re-learn how to talk to men, i dont wanna feel like this ever again…..ok if i do i wanna know how to deal with it straight away before i get overwelmed.

    i will look into EFT thanks@Daria

    @simply shannon i understand what your going through the problem for me is, am i even ready to marry? i need to be confident in myself first.

    can i wait long enough without going through the same thing again, they say the flesh is weak but i do feel its just natural to want sex we are grown, our bodies want to reproduce and feel good.

    Following the bible and waiting to be married in 2010 will be a difficult road to go down, in bible times we married alot younger, now you could be 40 before getting hitched… if not at all…. waiting that long is unatural, catch 22 huh

    sending positive thoughts your way xoxox

    @Gina thanks hun, your comment made me smile sending the love back xoxoxoxoxoxo

    Thanks sisters oxoxoxoxox



  172.  #172Lucy on February 4, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    Shannon, I very much appreciate your sharing your thoughts and feelings around the topic of sex as a Christian. I recently was able to process my way through guilt and shame to the point where I was able to have sex without feeling guilt or shame, and that was a big accomplishment for me! I thought that meant that I now felt free to have sex whenever I felt like it.

    But — now I am finding that, even though I no longer feel held back by shame, there is something else there that is making me feel like maybe I don’t want to be having sex without marriage anyway. It sort of feels like what you said with the cracker analogy– like, this isn’t really what I want. It only satisfies my body, and leaves the rest of me longing for more. I have been having sex with one of my CD guys — he adores me, but I don’t feel anything more than friendship for him. At first, after releasing my shame, the sex felt good and I felt all free and liberated. But now… I don’t know . . . I feel like, for me, it actually stands in the way of true intimacy. I know that experts call sex addiction “false intimacy” because sex addicts use sex to FEEL intimate and close (emotionally, spiritually, etc.) without actually BEING intimate and close. I am beginning to see the truth in that theory. I want REAL intimacy, and, for me, sex without that deep mutual love and commitment is starting to feel like false intimacy.

    This is a very recent self-discovery for me, coming out of experimenting and allowing myself the freedom to find out for myself what I want and what works for me. Still in process though, and may always be!!! And I will say this: if TN man ever does decide to come up and visit me, I WILL have sex with him!! But that is because I am absolutely crazy about him and we have really connected on a spiritual level already — and I just want to. 🙂 (And I’m still hoping he will eventually be my “one and only.”) But I don’t think I want to with the other guy any more, and probably will avoid getting sexual with CD’s in the future. It is tempting, but ultimately, I think for me, it messes with my ultimate goals.



  173.  #173Daria on February 4, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    Mary hi! I am here now!! hehee



  174.  #174Starlight_29 on February 4, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    I have a question, the leaning back with men, i spoken to a few men about it and they all say the same thing if they like a women and they are calling her and making an effort, if she doesnt call or show much intrest they just assume shes just not that into you or she has loads of men to choose from or she thinks she too good for me, so after a while they would stop calling.

    how do you lean back, not make the first moves ever and still get a man to want to be with you?

    There are so many women who would pick up that phone and make arrangements and make hes life easier, what about the men who want you to call somtimes… even request it? how do you deal with that??



  175.  #175Daria on February 4, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    Starlight:

    here’s the thing:: I think that I feel amused about…

    “they just assume shes just not that into you or she has loads of men to choose from or she thinks she too good for me,

    OKAY, A GODDESS DOES HAVE A LOT OF MEN TO CHOOSE FROM

    so after a while they would stop calling.”

    ACTUALLY, THEY WILL NOT!!!

    haha. they may stop if they feel insecure, but they will be back very soon. because the attraction is stronger than their insecurity, and it makes them stronger men too!

    I jsut had this happen to me!

    a guy just imed me saying he hadnt called to hang out cuz he thinkgs too many men are in love with me.

    but will i hang out with him he says? lol.

    it feels a lil weird and i feel a lil turned off, but i feel open to it still



  176.  #176gina on February 4, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    this Rozlyn woman on the Bachelor…was she a man? or a “man eater?” And what is being a man eater all about? it’s like being a “player.” why would a woman have a tendency to do that?



  177.  #177gina on February 4, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    I’m having some of the same concerns as Starlight. I do find that men seem to feel uninspired to pursue me all the time. It’s not that they don’t like me, and it’s not that I SHOULD be pursuing them…it’s just that I have a guard over my heart, AND I’m leaning back doing nothing, so what’s fun about hat for them? I was thinking about the whole rowing thing…I feel like, lately, I have started the journey, leaning back, looking at the man who’s rowing, and I’m sometimes pretty good at giving him feedback about how it feels to be in the boat with him. But sometimes, if I don’t believe that he wants to be rowing, or if I don’t like him all that much, instead of giving him feedback, I lean back and look outside of the boat – I distract myself. I might keep talking to him about what I see or what’s on my mind. I might still try to impress him with who I am, but I stop connecting with him. When I stop connecting with him, then I see how he stops wanting to do all the work. He may still be interested, but he isn’t motivated to keep doing what he’s doing.



  178.  #178gina on February 4, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    Watching The Bachelor I’ve learned that overfunctioning doesn’t work…but I also see that i can’t be lazy with men – I have to take risks, too, if I’m to have the relationship I want.

    Right now I feel tempted to contact Johnny. I have played out the scenario round and round in my head. I just wish that we could have an honest conversation. I don’t want closure, I want “cleansing.” I realize that I was angry at the ways that his words and his actions didn’t match up (he assured me that sex with him wasn’t casual – that it was “real.” Yet, he drifted away shortly after. Plus, I doubted whether his “alibis” (broken plans, etc) were the truth). But I realize that my feelings didn’t always match my words… like when I saw him last, and I told him that I don’t wish to speak to him anymore, and that there are “no hard feelings.” I considered it a successful conversation cause I didn’t get all dramatic. But I did wish to speak with him about what was REALLY going on, and I did have very hard feelings – I felt mad and bad! But I let him lead the conversation into small talk, and then I shut him down, rather than express myself. I felt very defensive with him. And now I feel confused about whether I had a good reason: I mean I guess all along, I worried that he might do something like sleep with me and disappear. And since I didn’t express myself honestly and remain vulnerable, I can’t tell if it was a self fulfilling prophecy, OR if I was picking up on real signs that he was trouble. Was he “bad?” I think he did treat me badly. When I told him I didn’t wish to speak to him, he looked sad, but he didn’t pursue me. Is that cause he doesn’t want me? Usually I just have it in mind that I’ll be open and vulnerable when and if I bump into him or hear from him. But sometimes, like now, I feel so tempted to reach out to him. Pre-Rori, I would have called by now. and I suspect that it wouldn’t have done much good. But please, somebody tell me not to contact him!!!



  179.  #179Simply Shannon on February 4, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    I pulled a Daria tonight. I went to a bar by myself!! Daria, you inspired me! I feel so proud of myself. Woohoo!!!



  180.  #180gina on February 4, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    I feel a little confused about the whole concept of being “smart” about love. I try to be clear about what I really deeply desire, so I don’t give into momentary urges. okay…so I desire love and commitment and passion and excitement. I have an urge to get a quick fix from somebody…and since Johnny got into my guts, I have an urge to call him. But that wouldn’t satisfy what I really want. If I do see him out, I intend to challenge myself to keep my heart completely open as i tell him that I miss the moments when we felt connected and it felt so right. But I feel unwilling to be in a relationship where I feel confused and in the dark. I feel open and good about the idea of starting over and finding out if it’s possible for us to be honest and real with each other.



  181.  #181gina on February 4, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    So what do you do once you get to the bar??



  182.  #182Lucy on February 4, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    Yes, Starlight, right after I read your comment in my email box, I read this email from a guy I had a couple exchanges with via a dating site today. He wrote, “I’m guessing by the brevity of your last email that you’re not interested in taking advantage of our close proximity to learn more about me in person.”
    I had written a very short (one sentence) and sweet feeling message that was soft and open. He just expected MORE if I was interested!!!



  183.  #183Lucy on February 4, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    AND, look at this link that I ran across: http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/dating-advice/dating/35840-she-responds-but-why.html

    Look at the answers people gave the guy, too!!! And then his response to their advice, #9!!!

    Guys don’t understand what we are doing when we lean back! Rori, what do you think about this link???



  184.  #184Lucy on February 4, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    He says, “Wanna talk like normal people?”



  185.  #185gina on February 4, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    I told some guy about how I don’t like to pursue men at all, and he said that he understood exactly where I was coming from, but that “other women have ruined it for me.” he said that other women are super forward and aggressive…so when a woman doesn’t take control of a relationship, it just seems like she’s not interested. At the time, I said that I totally understood that MOST men probably wouldn’t keep chasing me as I just lean back: that probably only one man in my life would keep coming, and that’s the only man I want anyway. I said that if i chase after a man, I have no way of knowing whether he really likes me, and I don’t feel secure. That was good what I said – I’m glad I reminded myself of that! lol



  186.  #186Lucy on February 4, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    Now I’m laughing about what the guy emailed me, because I’m seeing how well leaning back actually worked!!! It totally raised my degree of difficulty, didn’t it?!!!! But what am I supposed to say now, “No, I was just Leaning Back”??? Lol.

    (Btw, this comment — He says, “Wanna talk like normal people?” — was NOT the guy who emailed me; that was from the link I posted.)



  187.  #187Lisa on February 4, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    Turtle Girl,

    Feels like your vibe is getting stronger, with more clarity:

    “Oh, looking back on it, I am so glad I left. What a total waste of my beautiful goddess sexiness. What a waste of my time, except to have learned a lesson I needed to learn, apparently” —

    No ambiguity there 🙂

    You and me are both on our trusty steeds, on our path. It feels good out in the fresh air. It’s crisp, but it’ll be warming up soon …



  188.  #188gina on February 4, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    That link was interesting…thanks for sending Lucy. I was surprised to see an ad for Rori’s program when i clicked on the guy’s profile!!!
    When I’m responding to emails on the dating websites, I follow what I remember of Rori’s advice, and my emails are something like…

    “hey thanks for the message. I’ve seen ’em separately, but not together – that would be amazing! You’re into Elton John and bicycling? I’m intrigued…though I do prefer to communicate by phone rather than online…I’m at ###-###-####.
    gina

    Which is actually more forward than I would’ve been pre-rori. Cause I probably would’ve felt a little bored by his question, turned off by the whole online dating experience, and I would’ve just answered his question, hoping that he would come back with something interesting to cure my apathy. But I get great results with Rori’s advice – things move along quickly once I communicate interest. I find the concept of leaning back AND taking responsibility for my role in creating a connection to be tricky!



  189.  #189Lucy on February 4, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    Gina, this IS good! —> “At the time, I said that I totally understood that MOST men probably wouldn’t keep chasing me as I just lean back: that probably only one man in my life would keep coming, and that’s the only man I want anyway. I said that if i chase after a man, I have no way of knowing whether he really likes me, and I don’t feel secure. That was good what I said – I’m glad I reminded myself of that!”



  190.  #190gina on February 4, 2010 at 7:15 pm

    But there definitely is a difference between me reaching out to Johnny who is not even trying to contact me, and RESPONDING in an attractive way to a man who is pursuing me.

    This whole “degree of difficulty” thing is tricky too. I feel like I have made love impossible with some men that I liked a lot. But then I sometimes overcompensate by reaching forward. I know that I don’t want to be “easy.” But I don’t want to be “tricky” either.



  191.  #191Daria on February 4, 2010 at 9:59 pm

    LOL!

    I really like what HANK wrote on that link. Hank is a man’s man.

    Questioning feminine seeming guy: So this is where the delima comes in. HOW do I get more direct without seeming rude/cocky/a PITA or whatever. If I just ask “Wanna talk like normal people?” won’t most ladies get upset?

    This really is me flailing in the dark. Her profile is limited, so there are few things to ask about. Just enough info to peak an interest that there is more than a pretty face.

    HANK (gave earlier a comment on how about asking her something more direct now):

    More direct with something like, “Now that our love of drunk and gay pianists is established, want to get together for some coffee and to swap concert tapes?”

    What’s wrong with something like that?



  192.  #192gina on February 4, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    Ha ha, Hank is hot.



  193.  #193Daria on February 4, 2010 at 10:41 pm

    we should write hank
    like a rockstar group messasge – we here at Rori thank you Hank!! yayyy!!!



  194.  #194Daria on February 4, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    damn
    i tried to write him but i have to be an advice member



  195.  #195gina on February 4, 2010 at 10:48 pm

    I feel lonely!! Crick in my neck. Not really a crick – tension. Oh how I long to hang upside down and let my spine poppity pop pop into place!!! Especially where my head meets my neck…oh that would feel so very good. I feel sleepy restless ugh. bored and overwhelmed!! excited and apathetic. huh?? I have scary good opportunities coming up. I’m SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!! and excited. holy crap… there’s nothin holding me back… I have time to prepare, and I have major mondo delicious opportunities. I am going to let myself feel excited. I feel scared in my guts. tightness. my head feels stuck. I feel tears burning, just thinking about getting excited, anticipating success. I feel at peace, though, too. I feel nothing is in my way. but the nothing doesn’t feel like heavy pressure…I don’t feel the familiar fear that I can’t do what I’m being asked to do (but I remember it!). I feel 100% capable of doing what is before me. The “nothing” represents the possibility of inaction and self sabotage…I feel tempted to do it – but I love myself too much!! I will not give into the temptation to lean back. I will use my masculine brain to impress and indulge my inner hot diva chick, who would just love to feel accomplished, cared for and easy breezy. I love myself for being ready for opportunities that are lined up for the next month and a half. I love that I am willing to simply prepare and execute. I love that I feel scared and excited. I love that I will not let inflated expectations or self-doubt interfere with rising to the occasions that are set before me. i feel ready and willing to go and do and be. I feel good about my life. I feel in control. I thought I might be ready for the 9-5 dealio…I was going to contact ad agencies, and try to get a foot in the door. But I realized that I don’t want the daily grind. I want to contribute to this ad agency, though. And I’m confident that I DO have something offer…and I’m excited about the possibility of contributing to something that feels powerful and statusy, without giving in to the 9-5 box that I don’t want to be in. I feel good to be settling into the excitement and fear that I feel about opportunities and possibilities which are within my control, instead of focusing on men who are out of my control. I love myself for realizing that I don’t want to use frustration about what is outside of my control as a crutch, which keeps me weak and unable to DO what is within my control. I feel ready to make a to do list, go to bed, and get stuff done tommorrow. I love myself for the rest that I had today, so that I have the energy to do a lot tommorrow.



  196.  #196Daria on February 4, 2010 at 11:13 pm

    Gina —

    I tried these 2 minute neck exercises once and I couldn’t believe my eyes (neck)

    http://www.youtube.com/user/Thomashealer#p/u/20/BmUGeeCHkUc



  197.  #197gina on February 4, 2010 at 11:18 pm

    oooh that did feel good!! Thanks Daria!



  198.  #198Daria on February 5, 2010 at 12:23 am

    yay I am freakin thrilled you liked it!!

    today in my heart passion meetup we talked about

    Giving —> Receiving

    yang yin

    BUT ALSO

    OFFERING <——- TAKING

    yin yang

    pretty intersting huh! offering i think is like our Invitation to a man. and our looking pretty and attracting,,, and he comes to Take US

    while he GIVES to us and we Receive

    veryyyyyy

    interesting

    Rori can you talk about this! I thought it was fascinating



  199.  #199Linda on February 5, 2010 at 5:55 am

    I feel angry today. Dishonored and irritated.
    I feel tired. I am supposed to go to Florida next week. I dont even want to go now. I dont want to waste the money either. I feel confrontive and teary.

    What is wrong with me? Where is my faith? Am I stupid. Why do I believe and hope for the best in people and get nothing but crumbs. I invest sincerely in people, in relationships. My yes is yes and my no is no. Shouldnt that attract what I want into my life. Should that not inspire the best in others?… I want to curl up and be held, and loved and cared for. Be made a priority.

    My drama queen feels like being a bitch, and is yelling and screaming. My warrior woman has her jaw locked and eyes focused and a bow and arrow for a tongue. My little girl is weeping, curlled up in a ball.

    deep mornful sigh….. Linda



  200.  #200rachel on February 5, 2010 at 6:28 am

    Wow.. Linda! Your last paragraph is incredible. That really captures how I feel many days! I send you hugs.

    I have a question… Guy A is in the military. He has been doing much better at communicating while away and has asked me to mail him some things. I planned on doing that today. BUT… I haven’t heard a word from him now for days. I could write this off as “he’s busy” or “he must not have had access to a computer”… except for the fact that he posted stuff on FaceBook last evening.

    So I’m feeling really icky about sending him this package. I feel angry and hurt that he didn’t write to me last night. He knows how important communication is to me – especially when he’s away and email is our only form.

    I promised to send the package, but I’m having a lot of turmoil now about following through. On the other hand, should I just trust him that he does want to receive it… even though he hasn’t reached out in days?

    And is sending it leaning forward? I didn’t feel it was because he asked for it. But now I feel like he’s pulled back again and mailing it would feel like chasing him.

    AUGH! Any thoughts?



  201.  #201Simply Shannon on February 5, 2010 at 6:38 am

    Linda: I feel sad reading your post. I love our anger and our sad feelings. It forces us to more forward. If everything felt okay all the time, we would never change. We would stay exactly where we are. So anger and sadness are good motivators to push us to where we need to be. We are not stuck where we are. Thank God for that!!

    Gina: Do NOT call Johnny. He isn’t calling you. Why waste one single second trying to go back? Go forward. Open up to a man who wants to be with you, who is calling YOU, who is pursuing YOU. Just like I have the occassional urge to call/text A, this is fear. Fear of what’s ahead and unfamiliar. I don’t want “safe and familiar” anymore. I may feel scared and unsure but that’s okay. I feel so excited about what you have coming up in the next few months!

    Okay, gotta read some more (and check out the link). Be back shortly.



  202.  #202DocK on February 5, 2010 at 7:46 am

    Hi Rachel,

    For me, I would send the package. That to me isn’t about leaning forward but about keeping my word (if he asked and I said I would do it).

    BUT I also would let him know how I feel about the lack of contact with feeling messages.

    Others, like Daria, are SO much better at writing those statements but I’ll give it some practice and she/they can fix it:

    I feel sad and also, I must confess, I feel angry too! I love hearing from you and keeping that connection with you. When I don’t hear from you, I feel so lost and disconnected. I don’t want to feel like that.



  203.  #203rachel on February 5, 2010 at 8:56 am

    Dock,

    Thank you! I am feeling like I should send the package. My “old” way of doing things would be to either 1) write to find out why he’s not communicating or 2) withhold the package because he’s not communicating.

    Neither of these methods have worked in the past! So maybe I should try something new… following through and sending the package with an open heart. It does still really bother me though that he had time to fool around on FB and didn’t even say hi to me.

    I like the idea of a feeling message … just not sure how to do it. Every time I use one that has to do with communication, he gets super defensive and accuses me of being demanding. Ugh…. this isn’t feeling good to me!

    The GOOD news is that I am circular dating and feeling MUCH less worried about this one man and how he feels about me. So … I shall mail my package and forget about him for now! If he’s not in front of me (or putting himself there through contact), he’s invisible!

    I shall do something loving for myself today!!!



  204.  #204Turtle Girl on February 5, 2010 at 9:04 am

    Good morning Lisa!

    God love you girl, you always make me laugh!
    You are so right. I do feel stronger and have more clarity every day. Thank you for that.
    Every day that I am away from toxic man. Every day that I date someone new. Every day that I do the things I need to do for me to get me healthy and back on track loving myself.

    The whole thing of boundaries and where I begin and you begin and end in relationships can be really tricky at times. So-I have to be really mindful to not do the over-functioning thing. Having said that, I am a woman who really loves sex and I like to give and receive a lot of affection. But with toxic man I was giving lots of it, and not receiving anything back. He was very cold, even when we first started. He was not at all warm and loving like I am. I want a man who wants to touch me and I want to feel desired by him. But he also has to be considerate of my feelings or then I don’t feel like being warm and loving. That’s prolly universal female.

    It is chilly out there, literally and metaphorically, but I am riding on! I planted my first onions out in the raised beds yesterday and was so pleased. I love growing things, so female, so life enriching, so goddessey!

    Love, Turtle Girl



  205.  #205Daria on February 5, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Rachel –

    I would NOT send the package while I’m feeling icky.

    I’ve dealt with a similar issue more recently and did not send.

    I see it this way… if I send something while I’m feeling icky or confused or turmoiled… Im actually SENDING THAT ICKY TURMOILED CONFUSED ENERGY!!!

    And that is NOT what I want.

    He can very well contact you and you can let him know you felt weird, saw him on facebook, didn’t hear from him, and that felt bad and it didn’t feel good to send him the package at taht time.

    You are not in the job of military mailwoman, you are a Goddess.



  206.  #206gina on February 5, 2010 at 11:59 am

    Thanks SS – true true…holding onto the past isn’t working for me. feeling scared about the idea of moving forward free of the past!!! I told some men that I felt scared today, and they were like “jump in the deep end and swim with the sharks! sink or swim.” And I was feeling super scared. i dunno if I’d rather swim with sharks or sink into a deep sleep. I’d rather be a mermaid.



  207.  #207Simply Shannon on February 5, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    I read some of the comments on that eHarmony advice board. Gosh… I feel so amused! I want to personally invite those ladies to Rori’s blog cuz seriously… some of them have it ALL wrong. Wowsers. So happy to be here on Siren island!!

    Just imagine it ladies… we are doing things so different. Every man will be so intrigued by us and yet they can’t know exactly why. All we’re doing is being REAL. Reading those posts, I just wanted to scream through the airwaves “Stop saying the PC thing. Stop saying what you think the guys want to hear. Be REAL.” Argh. It made me feel kinda of mad actually. Mad and amused! And maybe slightly judgemental. 🙂



  208.  #208Simply Shannon on February 5, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    Gina: You asked about what I did at the bar. I actually went to a meetup group for beer lovers. I went by myself but I had people (albeit strangers) to meet there. I felt so scared on the way there and kept trying to talk myself out of it. Oddly enough I kept thinking Daria would be so proud and that’s what made me do it! 🙂

    I highly recommend the meetup.com route. I was able to meet some really cool people and we kind of had a “like” in common. AND there were lots of single guys there (hello beer lovers – lol!).



  209.  #209Daria on February 5, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Shannon – I AM PROUD of you! and smily!

    For me I feel like whole new world opened up. I had WAY more fun than I would have with my women friends that I dont like. I had MORE fun than I even would have had with my guy friends I think, because then I would have been busy looking cool and smug at all the other guys and being proud of my “team”

    SOOO… I will be doing this all the time

    I feel like I’m finally getting the Exciting Fun I’ve been wanting!!!

    I might go out tonite and do it again, and I already got ona guestlist for tomorrow nite.

    Did i mention I met 3 or 4 men!??
    heheheheee



  210.  #210Daria on February 5, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Corona lover here!



  211.  #211Lisa on February 5, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Turtle,

    Isn’t this amazing:

    “He was very cold, even when we first started. He was not at all warm and loving like I am” ?!!!

    Why did we do it?! From the start, mine was withholding and rigid and automaton-like, too. But I do know why: He was like dear ole dad, and I was hoping to get his approval, this time.

    When I think on it (sorry — “feel”), it FEELS so icky. I went to bed with my dad’s doppleganger? Ewwwww.

    Even scarier? Finding a new male template, one totally different. A lover who is not a lapdog, but strong in his own right. Wow, confession time: I have always been a power imbalance — me strong (=boy) or him strong (not me as “girl”, but as “doormat”.)

    So, I feel that as I press out on my boundaries, doing small new things weekly, I will become different, and so I will have and attract different. I’ve become much more ballsy (in a girl-like way) just from being on this site — thank you, everyone.

    I love that my boy can serve my girl — that is being total, and that makes me feel very happy. I can enlist everything at my disposal, and not suppress.

    Oh, I’m overcome with theatrics… “I Gotta Be Me….” “I Did It MY WAAAY” Yeah, “The best is yet to come, girl, won’t it be fine…” “It’s gonna be a new day for you…”

    When those tender onion shoots spring up, that’s the blooming of your soul, Turtle 🙂



  212.  #212rachel on February 5, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    I feel like planting onions!!



  213.  #213Daria on February 5, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    Ok reading Lisa-s comment I feel inspired!

    I came to this site FIGHTING to keep MY BOY IDENTITY.

    I am like a GUY! I said. I DO NOT Want to be like a girl, its weak and gets the short end of the stick and it sux! But ok fine I will pretend for now because I want my man!

    then:

    I AM HALF MAN I SAID. And not too long ago either. I have both man and woman sides. I am balanced… and its cool to have a lil of both like I love but also troubling that I’m going to have boring massage like sex as David Deida called it.

    Then now:

    I AM FULL WOMAN I SAY!! and that masculine wonderful part of me MADE ME A GREATER WOMAN! A more FEMININE wonderful Greater amazing Goddess WOMAN!!!

    yessss the most opposite helped me become the most of my opposite!

    it freaking rocks and I love this about life!

    My greatest weaknesses are becoming my most powerful strengths!!

    This must mean I will be a singer and a healer, and a person who’se help people seek out and who will influence those around her… and who keeps beauty around her and is Unafraid of confrontation, and who stands up to men and attracts them in the deepest way, and heals her family and is kind to children and has a great relationship with her friends and who really inspires her Godchildren and is Really in her body and who can do Emotrance amazingly and who gets wonderful restful sleep and has a big huge sexy butt and sexy lips and bright eyes and whos skin is moisturefull and who is consistently on rhythm and feels powerful and makes huge impact in the world like a river rising out its bed and who attracts money like a waterfall to the pool…

    MMM

    THAT FREAKIN SOUNDS AWESOME!!!

    yay!!!

    Bring it on!!!!

    did i mention amazing Awesome magical powers!!



  214.  #214Lisa on February 5, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    S. Shannon,

    Thank you for modeling feelings here:

    My girl says:
    what am I doing here?
    why am I laying here?
    doesn’t he want to touch me / cuddle me / kiss me?
    cold shoulder after all this time?
    I feel lonely
    I feel angry
    I don’t want to be laying in bed next to someone who doesn’t want me or miss me
    I don’t want to waste one more second of my life
    Gosh, I feel bored
    Ugh, this feels awful AND boring

    It sounds simple, but I hadn’t thought to feel these things out loud (to myself) til the end. Lots of defenses to get through before I could feel.

    I love turning myself inside out, putting the soft on the outside, the strong on the inside.



  215.  #215Titrtle Girl on February 5, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    Thank you again Lisa for pointing out what S. Shanon said about her girl feelings. That is awesome SS.

    That is exactly how I felt lying next to toxic man one night when I was doing all the affection work and he responded like a cold fish. It felt terrible. It felt lonely, angry, hurt, miserable, and most of all
    ABANDONMENT. I FELT LIKE HE ABANDONED ME, AND WELL, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HE DID.

    By lying there next to me but not being there, only in body, but not in spirit, feels like lying next to someone who has died. The lights were on but no one was home. The person was gone. Just a body going through motions and not many of those even.
    Grrrrrr…….How dare you treat me that way……I hate you. I feel anger and I want to slap you up side the head and scream at you and say: “WTF is wrong with you???!!!”

    I wonder what would have happened if I just had jumped up right then and said something like-“You know, this doesn’t feel good, when you are not interested in me, it feels awful and it hurts and I am going home now. I want to be with a man who wants me and seems like you do not”. That would have taken a lot of courage to be that soft and strong. Wow-I wish I would have done that back in August. I would be in a different place now, however I would not be on this blog…..because if I could have done that I prolly would not have needed this blog………….



  216.  #216KATE on February 5, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    Lisa & Turtle Girl:
    thank you for your posts; YES!!! i’m feeling the same, I have been there, laying there and feeling so lost, and sad, and ignored and insignificant BUT NO LONGER…i’m feeling i will not beat myself up about it but learn from it and if it ever happens again WHICH I FEEL WILL NOT BECAUSE NOW I HAVE MY BOUNDARIES I will be strong enough to voice my feelings and l WILL LEAVE knowing there is a better man out there



  217.  #217Lisa on February 5, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    Kate & Turtle Girl,

    Yeah, how great to have tools now, to know we’ll never lie there feeling rejected and sad again. We will make ourselves known, if to no one but ourselves, now!

    Turtle: I would think of the Zombies’ song, “She’s Not There” when I thought of him. Something vital was missing, and I sought to replace it. I like your speech which you would now give: “This doesn’t feel good, … it feels awful and it hurts and I am going home now. I want to be with a man who wants me.” Word! I am not a bird — I am not a crumb-taker!

    Now I’m only beginning to discover my own feelings, and I am so grateful for that. There’s a whole lot of fixin’ to do here, but I’m up for it! Raising the self-esteem through self-care is my first stage that I am in now.

    Daria,

    I like this:

    “My greatest weaknesses are becoming my most powerful strengths!!”



  218.  #218Turtle Girl on February 5, 2010 at 9:26 pm

    Lisa-
    Yeah, you know it is weird how much toxic man was like my father. His walk, his flat board ass, his non filter cigarettes he smoked, so many things. All too familiar. All too daddy. Yet I loved my father. I adored my father. But there was lots of really icky stuff going on with daddy. So I can really relate to your comments about this. I don’t know if it was a do over, or what, I am not a shrink and do not profess to be able to analyze everything about how I behave. I just know that the ex was in many ways like dad.

    I have the same power imbalance that you talked about. *sigh* I can be super macho girl/man or dormat/girl. It’s not cool and I am happy to shed the role. It’s not a good look. So being a strong girley girl sounds good to me right about now. I am really tired of shit that doesn’t work.

    I love your reference to the song “She’s not there”.
    Perfect. Speaking of a whole lot of fixin to be done-reminds me of the song by Coldplay – “I will fix you”. I cry every single times I hear it. Every time.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBEYyHGbwto

    Here’s to all the wonderful women on this blog. Thank you all.
    Love,
    Turtle Girl



  219.  #219Lisa on February 6, 2010 at 11:20 am

    “When you’re too in love to let it go
    But if you never try you’ll never know
    Just what you’re worth”

    Yeah.

    As per being a girly-girl, I guess it’s all about acceptance. We are what we are, which is women-girls. Mom never let me play with Barbies — it was always erector sets (umm-hmmm). But just as bad as being a silly vacuous being is being a total in-control, in-the-head, one.

    So it’s balance, authenticity and acceptance. I wanna feel what I feel, and be able to express it. Gawd, I’m sounding like a bad re-run of The Who:

    “See Me
    Feel Me
    Touch Me
    Heal Me”

    But hey, I’ll re-work those lyrics, in that I’m the one doing it FOR ME, not following another who, if he accepts me, LETS ME feel good.

    O.k., so I’m James Brown, and I Feel Good:

    Whoa! I feel nice, like sugar and spice
    I feel nice, like sugar and spice
    So nice, so nice, I got you



  220.  #220Rori Raye on February 6, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    Lisa – Erector sets were my favorite, I was always working on one, and never outgrew it. But Barbies, too. Love, Rori



  221.  #221Erika Awakening on February 7, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    Allana,

    Thanks so much for sharing this.

    I love that you’re a kick ass coach and also willing to share your humanity with us. We need a lot more of that in the world, instead of coaches trying to pretend to be perfect, which doesn’t teach anyone else how to live as a real, live human being.

    I feel touched. 🙂

    – Erika



  222.  #222Lisa on February 7, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Thank you for teaching us that we can be a delicious melange of erector set + girl stuff, too. Why not? As long as it’s OUR girl we’re manifesting, it’s all to the good.

    Thank you for your guidance, and mentoring us into being our total selves, beautiful sister-woman, Rori 🙂



  223.  #223Kacy on February 9, 2010 at 9:40 pm

    I have a question. After you have given your power speech to your man about giving him all the time he needs to decide about a commitment and let him know that you are keeping your options open and then he asks you what you did yesterday or last evening because you didn’t answer the phone for instance, because you were circular dating with another man, do you tell him that you were out with a guy or do you keep discreet about it? Would you perhaps mention what you did, but not reveal that it was specifically with another man.



  224.  #224Rori Raye on February 9, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    Kacy – Great question – and I just worked with this with a client today…how about the truth..”I was out.” And – if he pursues it – and wants to push and talk about it…say…”This feels really uncomfortable. I don’t want to be asked what I’m doing when I’m not with you, and yet I want to be totally honest and open with you, so how would you like me to handle this when you ask? Do you want me to say more than that I was “out”? Ask him. There’s more to this – which is YOUR attitude, your being really okay – actually GREAT with this. Love, Rori



  225.  #225Kacy on February 11, 2010 at 11:21 am

    Thanks for your reply Rori. What advice do you have for gift giving to a man. We’ve dated for 1 1/2 years but with several breakups. We are on again now, and I know he’s buying me jewelry for Valentines day. I want to get him a new Leather toiletry shaving bag, as he mentioned the other day that the zipper is breaking on his current one, which isn’t leather. Is that personal enough or do you have another suggestion. Should I even get him a gift even tho’ I know he’s getting one for me?



  226.  #226Isa on September 7, 2010 at 3:58 pm

    You blessed me with this…
    particularly after a tear wrenching, soul healing, riff that felt glorious I stumbled across this a few seconds after writing my riff and my heart is so open and I am so there and it is me and I am wonderful…btw I just remembered today I was walking down the street and sneezed….I then wiggled my nose and was a bit ho hum abouti it and this sweet looking delicate man said bless you…that touched my heart because I tend to look tough and give off energy that I’m scary ( a wall I am chipping away at) not so scarey and off putting after all.