If He “Can’t” Get Married After 2.5 Years – What About The New Man Who Showed Up?

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angerHere’s a great letter about men, money, and commitment:

“Hi Rori, I am in a difficult situation and hoping you could help on it. I have been in a relationship with a man for 2.5 years. Initially I intended it to be one of my circular dating people. But he told me he was serious about me and proposed a year ago. Since then we have been getting very close and have made the relationship really good.

In day to day life I have very little issues with him, do love him and feel that I have worked very hard and he has given as much as he can to the relationship. We hardly have any fights, and get on very well and spend a lot if time together.

The problem now is that he is not in a financial position to be married, and I agree with him on that. He says he doesn’t know when he will be financially ready to be married, but says he loves me, and comments about spending his life with me. Recently, a colleague of mine asked me out and I thought he meant it as going out as friends.

This man is very important and also a nice man. I have known him for 4 years on and off but never been friends or anything else with him. The problem is since I went to a party with him( with many more colleagues there), he seems to think I am now going out with him and keeps texting me. His texts come when I am with the first guy and I feel terrible about it.

I feel stuck because I don’t know what to do. I feel like I just want to be friends with the second guy and want to have him in my life as a friend for now because I don’t know him well enough.

I am worried that he may not want that and just want a relationship. Part if me thinks I should give it a go and see what happens as I think he can at least offer me a future. My head is exploding with all of this, I don’t want to do anything wrong or immoral. What do you think?”

My Answer:

1. What does “not in a financial position to be married” MEAN?

Did he lose his job? His business went downhill? He’s changing jobs?

AND is this a permanent situation, a temporary situation?

AND – what is YOUR financial situation.

AND – WHAT do you need from a man in terms of his money?

AND what can the TWO of you do TOGETHER in terms of making money?

2. Ending a relationship so you can date another man is a bad idea – because, as we all know, relationships take time, and most are not meant to work out.

SO – Tell man B that you are and have been in a relationship for 2.5 years, and that you’re not ready, at this moment to leave that relationship, and that you’d like to continue to be friends with him if he’d like that. It doesn’t matter what he wants, here, because what matters is what YOU want.

Tell him you’ll be happy to answer his calls and texts when you’re not with your boyfriend, and that if the relationship you’re in should stop working, and he’s still free, you’d like to date him romantically – but not now, at this moment.

3. Then, you have a serious talk with your man about money and what you can do about it together.

Ask him how he sees this playing out.

Ask him if he sees you being married even THOUGH there’s no financial security. Here’s where you have to decide what kind of finances YOU need to get married.

If the discussion seems dire – then you ask him what he thinks the two of you should do.

That you are willing to hang in without marriage for “x” number of months, and then you’ll consider opening up the relationship (dating man B and Circular Dating any other man who’s available and interested).

It’s all about getting the logistics straight in your head, and then TALKING with the interested parties.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Femininewoman on February 4, 2013 at 9:59 am


  2.  #2Femininewoman on February 4, 2013 at 10:01 am

    2. Ending a relationship so you can date another man is a bad idea – because, as we all know, relationships take time, and most are not meant to work out.

  3.  #3GlowStix on February 4, 2013 at 10:31 am

    Rori you just blew my mind, and not even in a way that pertains to the topic. Wow. Thank you.

  4.  #4GlowStix on February 4, 2013 at 10:32 am

    Omg yes yes yes yes!!!!!!!

    Thank you for these realizations!

  5.  #5GlowStix on February 4, 2013 at 10:46 am

    What does it feel like to hold onto this belief?

    It feels restrictive. Like like a big leather strap up around my shoulders and nailed to the floor. Eeek! Restrictive feelings fee big and scary and hovering up above my head. Looming. Danger. Can’t move can’t breathe. Static stagnant moss growing lack of freedom. Gross. I’ve been restraining myself with holding this belief.

    What does it feel like to let go of this belief?

    I don’t know? Can I? I can. I can do anything I desire. I will remember. Hold that gently with me in my center. I can do anything. All I have to do create it is move. Just move in that direction. Just an inch. Oh look, we are an inch in that direction. Perfect! It feels much brighter over here! Lighter. Oh I feel a yawning in the back of me. Upper back, shoulders, neck. Opening. Wow. Possibilities flow in through here, eh? Possibilities through the back. Manifestations flow out through the front. Chest, throat, face, forehead. Energies cycle out through the top of the head down to the feet and through the body. Out the toes and fingertips and eyes and pevis, into the world.


  6.  #6MovingMagic on February 4, 2013 at 11:13 am

    Wow, I have two dates lined up for Wednesday evening. One over coffee, & another on the dance floor. First time for everything. 🙂

  7.  #7GlowStix on February 4, 2013 at 11:25 am

    The growth of the positive is unfortumately stunted, when the observer is focused entirely on the negative side. Negative is not bad. Without the negative the positive becomes a neutral
    and no longer “exists”. Yet, when the negative aspect of a circumstance is solely focused on and built up and expanded through words and actions and thoughts and outlooks, the positive flounders. Shrinks.

    I like the visual of two balls of coloured energy. Both useful, and have their place in existance and both will *always* exist. Neither will ever fully disappear. We do not live in a flatly affected and neutralized Universe. However, the size of one ball of energy is related, in an equal and opposite way, to the size of the other ball of energy. Build and grow the positive energy, and the negative will shrink in relation. Be gently accepting of the negative energy’s existance. For it can not just disappear. Yet it is, afterall, shrinking by the minute. 🙂

  8.  #8Daria on February 4, 2013 at 11:31 am

    I’m changing !

    I’m more heavy in my body!

    I reacted instinctively and powerfully and took care of my boundaries loudly !

    And not blaming


    This feels awesome !

    Yay me yay

  9.  #9GlowStix on February 4, 2013 at 11:32 am


    Your posts move me whenever I read them, and touch me with a happy feeling <3

  10.  #10GlowStix on February 4, 2013 at 11:33 am


    🙂 That feels awesome to read!

  11.  #11Indigo on February 4, 2013 at 11:46 am

    Heart (from previous thread)

    Thank you. Your well wishes felt very uplifting. Xx

    I am in a better place. And I agree with you in a way. There is a lot about this relationship that “worked” for me on a very deep level. Even the very slow progress towards commitment and the uncovering of fears felt safe to me, in a way.

    I feel as if my horse is a beautiful grey mare (I actually *have* such a horse) and we are walking forward. I am moving forward, regardless of what happens here.

  12.  #12MovingMagic on February 4, 2013 at 11:54 am

    Thank you GlowStix. I find myself using this blog as a way to analyze myself, & not the men who come in and out of my life. This blog is a source of growth & understanding for me. I love reading everyones stories/experiences. They serve as a reminder -a reminder to take care of myself, know myself, & to stay in a place of feeling. It’s stopped being about the man for me. Interestingly enough men can sense that in me, & are coming out of the woodwork. 🙂

  13.  #13Indigo on February 4, 2013 at 11:54 am

    Thanks CurvySiren (from previous thread)

    this was a big fear of mine too. And thank you for saying that he seems crazy about me. I feel that on a deep level, but I don’t *know* it in my life all the time by a long shot.

    I think I am almost at the point where I don’t fear his fear of commitment any more. He will or he won’t, and I just feel I somehow have to do what’s best for me regardless.

    Thank you for your support.

  14.  #14MovingMagic on February 4, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    Indigo, I like the place you’re coming to. Sometimes peace can feel like a rocky road. 🙂

  15.  #15Indigo on February 4, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    Thank you, Moving Magic. I believe that.

    I am so grateful to have this place to come to, this blog is a warm, authentic, wonderful place and I feel so grateful for all of you.

    Goodnight Sirens!


  16.  #16Daria on February 4, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    I love my magical life !

  17.  #17Starla on February 4, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    I took a pregnancy test that said negative last week, but my period is over 2 weeks late. i don’t want to be pregnant. i hate that if i just have low HCG levels, i might not know for sure if i’m pregnant until it’s too late to legally abort the pregnancy. blah.

  18.  #18Turquoise on February 4, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    Hi sirens! Wow, what a weekend. The weather and roads were really bad, I hyper extended my knee skiing, had to stay over in Maryland last night because roads were treacherous, I had no wifi there, and got to work 3 hours late today because we had to drive home this morning. And, I have a cold!!!

    But guess what? I also had fun, took lots of pictures, met some new people, got along well with C, took a ski lesson and got less scared of it, and had fun. Normally I’d have felt all stressed out, and the roads were scary, but we found a wonderful hotel and enjoyed our extended weekend! 🙂 I also had a magical moment, unloading stuff from the car and walking to my room Friday night, a gorgeous deer came right up to me and wanted fed. All I had on my was a little bag of Doritos, but she was close enough to sniff the bag in my hand and she ate them quickly. She wasn’t scared of me at all and I even got a picture of her with my flash on. I could have pet her, but she was big and I felt nervous. She had these huge gorgeous eyes and I swear eye lashes 🙂 very special moment that I won’t ever forget! 🙂

  19.  #19Mercedes on February 4, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    “as we all know, relationships take time, and most are not meant to work out.” – Well…that’s probably very, very true.

    Much Love,

  20.  #20miraculously loved on February 4, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    Ohhh…I like this…experiencing her judging him for not being in a good financial place, not opening up about her needs and then drawing in a third person…confusion, sad for her but excited about the possibility if she does what Rori tells her. Inquisitive: is there something boring her..I feel bored reading about her relationship. I hate being bored…is she looking to get out of her relationship because she wants adventure?? I know sometimes I want to run..and feel excited so I think its my relationship but its me I get boring…ewww

  21.  #21miraculously loved on February 4, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    Working out with my B now that’s exciting! I love it when we work out because he goes to his side of the gym and I go to mine…guys are just guys so if they don’t see us walk in together then they come and flock around me…although I would not pay them attention…it’s enough to feel sexy…my energy opened but not too opened. I would not want to toy with B’s heart…I feel compassionate…

  22.  #22Turquoise on February 4, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Yikes Starla, you could get a blood test. Do you have symptoms?

  23.  #23Starla on February 4, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    turquoise, yes, i have symptoms, sonofabeeeeetch eek

    i just made an appointment for next thursday for a blood test. so romantic haha valentines day

    i feel better already.

    and i’m going to get an IUD immediately if i’m not pregnant. and if i am, assuming that QZ and i are on the same page about not following through with the pregnancy, i will get an IUD inserted as soon as possible after.

    i feel sad and sick for not taking better care of my body by protecting it from unwanted pregnancies and the stress accompanied with wondering if you’re prego.

  24.  #24GlowStix on February 4, 2013 at 1:39 pm


  25.  #25Turquoise on February 4, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    Don’t panic Starla. If your levels are low, that’s not a good sign for the pregnancy itself. I have heard that many women miscarry and don’t even realize because they think their periods are just late.

  26.  #26Starla on February 4, 2013 at 1:43 pm

    i miscarried once before (thank goodness). i don’t want a baby right now.

  27.  #27Femininewoman on February 4, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    Healing from heartbreak means taking responsibility for how you’re feeling even after a breakup. The cure for your pain lies within you. It’s an inside job and, once tackled, heartbreak will never be as painful again.


  28.  #28Miraculously Loved on February 4, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    Starla, there are several reasons your body may shut down your menstrual cycle one being changes in diet, weight loss or gain or other hormonal changes. Also panicking and anxiety can cause a shut down…relax until you know something. A pregnancy test should be enough if its been long enough…you could take another one now as well. The important thing is that you should get checked out…

  29.  #29Starla on February 4, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    i feel ‘victimized’ by my PCOS and being a woman and not having access to clear answers or medical care that doesn’t revolve around ‘here take this birth control pill even though you’re still recovering from the side effects of the last one’ for every feminine problem.

  30.  #30Turquoise on February 4, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    Starla, I take Gianvi and am symptom free, except for a few headaches, and that could be other things. I’d take another home test. I took tests 18 hours apart and first was negative, second was positive. Is it likely? We’re you using protection?

  31.  #31Starla on February 4, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    28 ML
    I have PCOS.

  32.  #32Starla on February 4, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    no protection. i know it was stupid of me/us, but hey….

    he pulled out but we all know that isn’t always enough.

    i feel so mad right now! i want normal hormones! i hate that i will never know if i’m pregnant or if my period’s just late! ahhhhhh! i want to cuss. F8CK

  33.  #33Turquoise on February 4, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    You could probably go to a clinic and get a test quicker. A week and a half is a long time to wait.

  34.  #34GlowStix on February 4, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    I was diagnosed with endometriosis while I was on the pill. Symptoms developed while on the pill. I was told to keep taking the pill continually, without “period breaks” to treat it. When I was told to stop taking the pill for other, more serious health reasons, I did and whaddaya know? I have had almost no sypmtoms of the endometriosis
    since. They went away almost immediately after stopping the BCP.

  35.  #35Femininewoman on February 4, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    Tip #2: Be Respectful at All Times

    How often have you or your partner been pouring out your heart to the other, and if the message isn’t being received well, there is a rolling of the eyes or a back turned to deflect criticism or a hand put up to shush the other?

    These non-verbal cues all signal disrespect. One of the best test questions you can ask yourself is, “Would I behave this way in front of a minister/rabbi/police officer/judge/boss?

    Surely we deserve as much respect, and so we should be conscious of how we show our level of respect to our partners, too.


  36.  #36Starla on February 4, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    turquoise, we only had sex starting last month, so it’s ok to wait 10 days. sorry i was totally freaking out! i’m a spazz and worried haha

    plus i have insurance that doesn’t work at clinics, making it cheaper for me (yay on top of all of this, i am totally broke and can’t afford this garbage) to see a doctor’s office.

    and while i’m there, i can get my annual exam done and schedule an IUD insertion.

    i can’t wait to never worry about being pregnant! holy moly!!

  37.  #37LoveAlways on February 4, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    Hi Sirens:

    I decided to buy the Love Forever membership!
    I’m still a work in progress, and I hope to use the new tools to keep myself siren-y and grounded.

    I don’t post as much any more because I started keeping a written journal because it helps to re-read my emotions and it was so much of hassle to re-read them on the blog. Much much easier than when I was doing it on the blog. But then I miss interacting on the blog like I’m used to doing. I hope to balancing out my journaling with posting and catching up on the love forever recordings. I feel excited about this.

    Oh, Thanks Memulo and FW – it has been a very heartfelt process of getting back together with HScd. I spent some hard moments in the pits, but I feel happy that he leaned forward to reconnect.

    Leaning back has not been that easy – I feel helpless a lot (and I know I shouldn’t).

    But it does feel good to have my “feminine energy marathons” – they really helped me out.

  38.  #38Starla on February 4, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    my man is so strong for the both of us.

    he has transformed quite a bit. i feel so dang impressed.

    i always wanted the guy who would stay immovable like an old, wise tree while i stormed around him. and i got me one.

  39.  #39Starla on February 4, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    i just feel so SAFE with him. like i can feel whatever i feel, i can be in whatever mood i’m in, i can tell him the honest truth about it, and he can HANDLE it. and he won’t try to convince me that i’m wrong, or that i’m failing him in some way…

    yes, i’d want a man with this great trait to raise my kids. so they can feel safe as individuals with individual reactions and feelings…

    but not any time soon! eeeeek. i can’t believe i had to tell him to tone it down! he adores me so much and is very clear that he wants the whole enchilada with me… ahhh slow down, buddy! it’s only been over a month since we got back together! Let’s just “be” for a while! Please!


    i’m so glad to have the blog for venting today.

  40.  #40Annie on February 4, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    I don’t want to be in an independent or co dependent relationship. Neither of these feel healthy or truly loving for me.
    I want to be in a happy healthy interdependent relationship/s

    I want to be an independent being. being responsible for my self autonomy but be in happy healthy interdependent loving workable and doable relationships.

    It feels good to read about your journey Miraculously Loved.

  41.  #41Annie on February 4, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    Quotes from wki.
    The community stagnates without the impulse of the individual. The impulse dies away without the sympathy of the community.
    William James, Great Men, Great Thoughts, and the Environment, Atlantic Monthly, October, 1880

    Interdependence is and ought to be as much the ideal of man as self-sufficiency. Man is a social being. Without interrelation with society he cannot realize his oneness with the universe or suppress his egotism. His social interdependence enables him to test his faith and to prove himself on the touchstone of reality.
    Mahatma Gandhi, Young India, March 21, 1929, p. 93

    The basic thought that guides these specific means of national recovery is not narrowly nationalistic. It is the insistence, as a first consideration, upon the interdependence of the various elements in all parts of the United States – a recognition of the old and permanently important manifestation of the American spirit of the pioneer.
    U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt, First Inaugural Address, 1932

    When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.
    John Muir, My First Summer in the Sierra, Houghton Mifflin, 1911, Chapter 7

    …for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.
    Martin Luther King Jr., I have a dream, 1963

    Moreover, I am cognizant of the interrelatedness of all communities and states. I cannot sit idly by in Atlanta and not be concerned about what happens in Birmingham. Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. Never again can we afford to live with the narrow, provincial “outside agitator” idea. Anyone who lives inside the United States can never be considered an outsider anywhere within its bounds.
    Martin Luther King Jr., Letter from Birmingham Jail, April 16, 1963

    Independent thinking alone is not suited to interdependent reality. Independent people who do not have the maturity to think and act interdependently may be good individual producers, but they won’t be good leaders or team players. They’re not coming from the paradigm of interdependence necessary to succeed in marriage, family, or organizational reality.
    Stephen Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, 1989

    Hence, international co-operation and solidarity and the relentless search for consensus become an absolute imperative. They are the only possible alternative for all nations, whose interdependence is being made increasingly manifest by the rapid development of production technology, of transport and communications, as well as by the overhanging threat of deterioration of the environment and exhaustion of natural resources. And what is one to say of the frightful accumulation of means of destruction in a world facing the no less frightful problems of hunger, disease and ignorance?

  42.  #42LoveAlways on February 4, 2013 at 3:16 pm


  43.  #43Marina on February 4, 2013 at 3:17 pm

    Wow, this is not the kind of communication I used to know on this blog….I feel very icky…
    Just wanted to say ‘hi’ to Sirens from a couple of years ago. I hope you are all doing great!
    I will go back to just reading Rori’s blogposts and practicing the Tools…
    Love, Marina

  44.  #44Starla on February 4, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    Sorry Marina, I haven’t talked to anyone like that in years and years. It’s a fluke, at least on my part. Sometimes I see other sirens getting into with each other, but for some reason it always happens when I’m not around to witness it.

    Anyway I’m sorry Marina

  45.  #45Starla on February 4, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    i came here to vent about a problem i can’t talk about anyone at all with in my real life, and got really bulldozed under the guise of “my own stuff here” which was just a manipulative way to spew specific judgments that are unique to my specific situation. I am feeling pretty betrayed.

  46.  #46Rori Raye on February 4, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    Whoa – Just saw this exchange between Starla and Mercedes. First, Mercedes, I know it’s in the past, and I still want to hug you for your losses – these do not go away, ever, I believe, and I feel your sensitivity and love and pain right through your comment.

    Starla, I can feel how what Mercedes said sounded and felt so judgmental – and yet, as I read it, it’s almost judgment-free until about 2/3 of the way through, and then, Mercedes, it would feel pretty harsh to me if I were on the receiving end of this.

    Here’s where I’m at with this, and I almost deleted both comments:

    The world is a big learning lab, a human experience being lived moment by moment by each of us, in an environment over which we have no control and can’t possibly understand, yet have to LOVE in order to feel good in the human experience we’re having.

    Each of us is in a completely different mental, emotional, spiritual, psychological, experiential place, with completely different learned perceptions of reality and what the world actually IS.

    We see each other through the lens of our own place. We’re each coming from different places, and we’re coming from different places at different times, being in different places at different times.

    Judgment is cruel because it’s ultimately an attack on ourselves. Attack makes learning more difficult.

    Anger is something else – it’s simply a human experience. And I believe we can express ourselves, no matter how angry or rage filled, WITHOUT judgment.

    As a coach – it’s impossible for me to assist anyone else if I judge her. Absolutely impossible. If I can’t meet everyone on the planet wherever they are, I can’t meet myself, and I can’t get the learning started.

    We’re all in this together. We all have different ways of hiding and expressing what we care about and often it comes out sounding like we “don’t care.”

    Starla, I wish you the very best outcome with this situation, and really thank you for being so brave to share your experience with all of us, and Mercedes, regardless of how you perceive Starla and women in general in different situations and with different mind styles from you – I really get that you don’t mean to be attacking – it just comes out that way in the writing.

    And the way I know that is from Starla’s pretty intense attack back.

    If we continue to trigger each other in this way, do we stifle the learning? Yeah, I think so, because when we get all up in self-protection and our defenses and thoughts and opinions and perceptions and decisions, and think that because we are “all one” we are also “the same,” we get into an imaginary world where there’s not so much to learn.

    We are all on different paths, and in different places on those paths – and, for me, we are ALL NECESSARY to the process!!! Each of us is a piece of the puzzle, and without one of us doing what we’re doing, none of us get to learn anything or move to a higher collective consciousness.

    I absolutely LOVE wherever anyone is, because that mirrors back to me all the various, diverging, differing parts of ME I’m not all that familiar with.

    Starla and Mercedes, I hope you’re both okay with me leaving up all the comments, and I hope the discussion is now closed on this subject.

    If anyone needs me personally around this – please let Dominique or Brenda or Daria or Starla or Mercedes know – they’ll tell you where to reach me.

    Love to both of you – on completely different journeys on completely different paths.

    For me – no one’s right, no one’s wrong. There is no such thing. Perceiving a world of rights and wrongs is….meaningless to me.

    I like it best when I don’t go there.

    Love, Rori

  47.  #47Starla on February 4, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    “I hope you’re both okay with me leaving up all the comments, and I hope the discussion is now closed on this subject.”

    I’m fine, and I’d love if it were closed. This is going to sound really passive aggressive and that’s not how I mean it, but, i’ll deal with this issue on my own and in secret if I need to. I’ve gotten really spoiled by this blog because it’s allowed me to have release and support when I have no one else I can talk to.

  48.  #48ruth on February 4, 2013 at 3:47 pm


  49.  #49Annie on February 4, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    “Judgment is cruel because it’s ultimately an attack on ourselves. Attack makes learning more difficult.

    Anger is something else – it’s simply a human experience. And I believe we can express ourselves, no matter how angry or rage filled, WITHOUT judgment.”

    I feel in agreement and do believe that judgment makes learning more difficult.
    It feels difficult not to do something that we have been taught to do and most people do.
    I understand that when we are in judgment we are not be loving.

    I do not see how our world can function without any judgement though. As lovely and as idealistic as that would be.
    As if I say someone feels harmful to me or toxic dangerous I am judging them.Actually no one person feels toxic or harmful.
    Just some behavior.

    Do you think it is ok to judge the behavior?
    How would it be possible for society to function if we did not do this.
    Wouldn’t it be anarchy and a free for all?

    when we call someone a Liar, cheat etc, these are all judgments.
    I have heard you use these terms Rori

  50.  #50Tam on February 4, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    Wow Ladies.
    Just on a side note…unprotected sex can happen without the influence of weed. Ahem….just sayin’
    And yea, it feels a bit sad to be attacked in a ‘safe place’…but then I guess that is the human experience. Different opinions and triggers.
    And lashing out.
    Something I tried to stop for me. And it doesn’t always work, I still go back to the lashing out place occasionally.
    When I saw those comments it brought back to me how triggering a lashing out episode is for all involved. And no, it probably doesn’t facilitate healing, just hurt, anger and raised heartbeats.
    I still do it too.
    I did it with Curly. But then, afterwards I had a quick spell of telling him that I felt humiliated and belittled. And was sad and angry.
    At least that. After I lashed out and walked away.
    Next time when a confrontation with anyone happens, perhaps I can be brave and say how I feel.
    Thanks for the triggers ladies.

  51.  #51LoveAlways on February 4, 2013 at 4:07 pm

    Rori says: “Each of us is in a completely different mental, emotional, spiritual, psychological, experiential place, with completely different learned perceptions of reality and what the world actually IS.

    We see each other through the lens of our own place. We’re each coming from different places, and we’re coming from different places at different times, being in different places at different times.”

    This is what makes this blog – siren island – so beautiful.

  52.  #52Starla on February 4, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    thanks, tam. yeah, we weren’t high when we decided to keep going without a condom and just pull out. we were just HORNY.

    i’m not high all day every day, and assuming as much is about as ignorant as assuming that someone who advocates for looser liquor laws or works for a beer company is drunk all day every day. And that any mistake they made, they made cuz they were drunk.

    http://www.logicalfallacies.info/ here, this might help.

  53.  #53Annie on February 4, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    Hi Starla.
    Are you able to get some impartial non judgmental helpful advice that will help you get the support you need.

  54.  #54Tam on February 4, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    not high just horny..lol..been there 😉

  55.  #55Starla on February 4, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    Annie, I don’t need advice exactly, just some loving support.

    My therapist is a man and didn’t know that you can get a false negative on a pregnancy test hahahaha ohhhh ((((((((men)))))))). He’s probably not the best go-to person for this situation.

    I think I might be a little spoiled even having this blog to turn to. 20 years ago, many women handled this stuff in secret and completely on their own.

  56.  #56Starla on February 4, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    sigh, i feel defeated and exhausted. it just doesn’t matter.

  57.  #57GlowStix on February 4, 2013 at 4:33 pm

    ((((women everywhere))))

  58.  #58Annie on February 4, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    Hugs Starla.

    I feel for you.

  59.  #59Annie on February 4, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    We all need support Starla.

  60.  #60Linda on February 4, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    wow.. to the recent exchange here.

    Rori thank you so much for leaving the comments.

    Two women here with strong presences on this blog. Two whom I have learned. Two women who differ but are confident to speak about how they feel passionately. I admire that and can read both with interest. All the sirens here come from alll over the world in my estimation. Our upbringings, faiths, cultures, experiences, opinions, loves, losses, gains, hopes, dreams, realilities and our lives are filtered thru each of those things.

    The thing that I believe and feel confirmation of within the deepest part of my fiber… is that we are more than random bits and pieces of gray matter that somehow organized itself into the amazing complex beings that we are. The common thing that unite us all here is our desire for relationship… to know and to be known. If that were not true we would not seek the presence of any other person(s) in our lives. We would be like isolated islands with no trespassing signs posted. There definately would not be reason for a blog like this either.

    Passionately speaking your heart is something I can learn by this exchange. I have a definate opinion that will not be voiced, except to say that life is precious, fragile, and miraculous… something that is often taken for granted but should never be.

  61.  #61GlowStix on February 4, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    I had some feelings coming up from the get go here. I feel curious what these specific feelings are popping up to show me. They don’t quite jive with what I *thought* my opinion was. I believe there is actually very much healing to be had here, and judgement can come up to heal us, same as all else. I feel a big sigh. All in perspective…I feel solid to have discovered a very strong, and opposite opinion, without feeling judgements, within me. I do feel a bit surprised.

  62.  #62Femininewoman on February 4, 2013 at 4:58 pm

    I feel rattled and traumatized reading some of the exchange. Rori I wonder if respect for oneself and respect for others kinda stops us from taking certain paths. At least that has been my belief and my certain. Some might see it as avoiding confrontation but it just feels bad even on a physical level

  63.  #63Annie on February 4, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    Tam , you didn’t lash out the other day.
    It feels really difficult to me not to lash out at times.
    Sometimes, damn near impossible if the feeling I get is pure rage. Once I have hit that point, it feels like a point of no return. I am then like a Tiger and would advise anyone to Run

    You told me the other day you thought I was judging you hence felt judged.

    And I apologized. I accepted that you felt judged even though that wasn’t my intention.
    And just because I didn’t intend or mean to do something, it doesn’t mean the other person will not feel hurt, judged, harmed attacked.

    All our feelings are unique to us.
    I don’t want to dismiss or invalidate another feelings.
    And I don’t want mine invalidated either.

    In the same way as when I feel attacked sometimes, even if the other person wasn’t intending to attack or hurt.
    Doesn’t mean I am not really feeling attacked or hurt.

    But another person is not responsible for our feelings we are.
    We all have to manage our own feelings as adults.
    As children we are not able to do this.
    This is why one of our jobs as loving parents is to help/facilliatate our children to learn how to manage their feelings and in some situation take appropriate action to help them

    As adults we have to learn how to take care of all of our feeling core ones and wounded ones parent our own inner children and the wounded feelings as they come up in a loving way and if we take loving action in our higher interest we cause a shift and start to heal.

  64.  #64Starla on February 4, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    it doesn’t matter. i’m going home. i do feel excited that you ladies are able to glean some growth and insight from the exchange and my situation. but i’m going to go home to actually live it and deal with it. I’m sorry I even brought it up.

  65.  #65Starla on February 4, 2013 at 5:10 pm

    i said up at the way top of this thread that “i feel sad and sick for not taking better care of my body by protecting it from unwanted pregnancies and the stress accompanied with wondering if you’re prego.”

    i said this from the beginning and it’s still true


    ohhh i am not letting this go so easy:(

    ugh, probably because this is real life for me, not just some peculiar thing on the internet.

    f8ck dude i’m leaving for real now. the office is empty

  66.  #66Annie on February 4, 2013 at 5:19 pm

    We all make mistakes honey.

    It’s ok to make mistakes.
    I don’t know any woman in your situation who wouldn’t feel worried, sad and sick.

    Big hugs Starla.

  67.  #67Maria on February 4, 2013 at 5:19 pm

    Hi Rori and ladies!

    Rori I want to thank you for your teachings and the ladies here who share their stories and advice. I dont always comment but I do read. I would like to give you guys a progress report. Mr. H invited me over and this time the timing was right so I accepted his offer. I had done some things previously to push him away and thought he wouldn’t want to see me again and I had accepted it that we were done. After watching the Love scripts and reading the revised version of Rori’s book I decided to stop.. Just stop over thinking, stop trying to control, and I leaned completely back. Within 2 weeks he had invited me over. I ended up spending the night. But this time it was different. Instead of trying to pre-plan our conversations and try and talk about things that interested him.. I just stopped and was my natural self. I’m not very talkative (unless I’m drunk lol)… And you know what? He lead the conversation and asked about things about me that we had previously talked about before things got rocky. he asked what I had been up to and was geniunely interested in what was going with me. We ended up stating up talking and watching TV for the next few hours even though we both had to work the next morning. It felt really good to just be my natural self.

    Now the one thing that I didn’t do was feeling messeges. They felt a little scary and uncomfortable. But, now I know why Rori wants us to practice them. So when I see him again I’m going to use feeling messages and I also have a boundary to set. Wish me luck!

    Oh and I also want to add that I went out a couple of weeks ago and one guy bought me a drink and another asked for my number. As it turns out he lives 2.5 hours away but he’s been sending me text messages so hopefully this is the start of some circular dating 🙂

  68.  #68Maria on February 4, 2013 at 5:20 pm

    Hi Rori and ladies!

    Rori I want to thank you for your teachings and the ladies here who share their stories and advice. I dont always comment but I do read. I would like to give you guys a progress report. Mr. H invited me over and this time the timing was right so I accepted his offer. I had done some things previously to push him away and thought he wouldn’t want to see me again and I had accepted it that we were done. After watching the Love scripts and reading the revised version of Rori’s book I decided to stop.. Just stop over thinking, stop trying to control, and I leaned completely back. Within 2 weeks he had invited me over. I ended up spending the night. But this time it was different. Instead of trying to pre-plan our conversations and try and talk about things that interested him.. I just stopped and was my natural self. I’m not very talkative (unless I’m drunk lol)… And you know what? He lead the conversation and asked about things about me that we had previously talked about before things got rocky. he asked what I had been up to and was geniunely interested in what was going with me. We ended up stating up talking and watching TV for the next few hours even though we both had to work the next morning. It felt really good to just be my natural self.

    Now the one thing that I didn’t do was feeling messeges. They felt a little scary and uncomfortable. But, now I know why Rori wants us to practice them. So when I see him again I’m going to use feeling messages and I also have a boundary to set. Wish me luck!

  69.  #69Annie on February 4, 2013 at 5:22 pm

    I also do not know any women who would not feel deep pain/trauma if they had unwanted miscarriages if trying for a baby.

    Hugs Mercedes.

    Both awful situations to be in.

    A saying comes to me.
    There for the Grace of God go I.

  70.  #70Maria on February 4, 2013 at 5:25 pm

    Starla (((hugs))).. I’ve been in that situation. I hope things work out favorably for you.

  71.  #71Femininewoman on February 4, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    Maria!!!!!! Nice.

  72.  #72GlowStix on February 4, 2013 at 5:30 pm

    Many of us have been where you’re at starla, and support you. For me personally, I hope you move through this with as little bruising as possible, yet I know, very well, there is nothing to say to shape how you feel in your own life, and within this circumstance. We all deal how we deal. Feel free to send me PMs if you need someone to vent to, or don’t. <3

  73.  #73Rori Raye on February 4, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    Starla – I don’t want to close down what’s going on with YOU – please, this is your place to work through your feelings! I just called a halt in the attack conflict between you and Mercedes…Love, Rori

  74.  #74Siren Angel on February 4, 2013 at 6:04 pm


  75.  #75Siren Angel on February 4, 2013 at 6:11 pm


    Breathe, go get a test, we ALL get these scares at SOME time… It is part of being a woman. Even when on the pill we can get those scares… You can’t beat yourself up for something that happened in the past… … ….

    Now, on another note, YES, things CAN go well AND be OK! It is NOT too good to be true. It can never be too good to be true because you are deserving.


  76.  #76Siren Angel on February 4, 2013 at 6:15 pm


    I am just catching up reading ‘upwards’… There are clinics where they can do an ultrasound to be ‘sure’…


  77.  #77Emoticon on February 4, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    ” What does “not in a financial position to be married” MEAN?”

    this was the main question floating around in my head.

    But i say the same thing, im not in a financial position to be in a relationship. I always say when i start a good stable job i will be and what not…..

    Sometimes i wonder if this is not just my commitment phobia (which I know I am battling for a bit)
    But i really and truly do not want to be a dependent gf.
    I dont want to be a burden to someone….. its nice to get surprise help from someone but to be constantly depending on someone…..not nice. hmmm

  78.  #78Vi on February 4, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    Vi, feeling angry does not equal to cold/ shut down. You CAN be mad and warm. I love you.

  79.  #79Linda on February 4, 2013 at 6:41 pm

    I posted last thread about an invitation to meet FavoriteCD’s daughter yesterday. I wont rewrite any of it except to say that I did decide and stopped circling and sifting. The process while necessary, became feeling endless and tiresome.

    568 (last thread) Indigo. Thank you for your input and take on it. THank you for encouraging me the positive spin you saw.

    569 MiraculoslyLoved…. Thank you as well. What you wrote caused me to reflect today on things that I was not in touch with inside me… but your words brought attention to them. I read them after the fact and honestly can use them to reflect on how I felt in my body and how it affected my presence and vibe. Your words have given me some other things to consider and is helping me bring further clarity.

    I did agree to meet her. She is a beautiful, open hearted little girl. She has a twinkle in her eye and a free spirit. Her relationship with her dad, playful and respectful. It was delightful to see their interaction.

    I arrived at the meeting opportunity under my own terms, which I felt honored me. That felt good. I felt independant but admittidly guarded … not because of his daughter, but I took his words literally presented myself as his friend… pulled way back and distanced myself emotionally from him actually. It is what felt safe. I did not like my own vibe actually. I could not find where he was seated in church… so after being urged to take a seat I sat alone and began engaging in the service. It was not long until he found me and he led me back to where he was seated with his mother.

    Standing there beside a man that I have felt so at home with since the day we first met.. I realized that I had removed myself emotionally him. I felt disconnected and unauthentic. As I said…I did not like my own vibe! I expected him to behave as a “friend”…. but as we stood side by side.. no words spoken… I felt him press the back of his open hand into the side of my thigh next to him, waiting for my hand to be placed in his and as I responded… he firmly held it. I my protective facade and uncertainty about his feelings for me… instantly vanished.

    I had told him that I would follow his lead…. with his daughter as far as what our relationship was…. he was his warm. He fondly spoke of things we had done together, and his enjoyment and cuteness of my dog… and he put his arm behind me and rested it on the chair as we talked. (we were eating lunch at his mothers home). Our interaction was light and fun and playful his daughter. Later we went to play wii bowling together and to his home. In private, he kissed me warmly and longingly… and I did not stay long because I felt I should honor his wish to spend the rest of his day with just his daughter. I left at what I felt was just the right time… and sent off with a hug from her, a long linger kiss from him (in private)… and a statement from him that if he did not have child responsibilities he would be going with me…

    Yes…I did feel tense at times… but was able to break thru it. I was able to be myself with her… I feel all it was a positive step and his further incorporating me into his life.

    THere are a few things I need to own up to.. and speak up about still… but I could see me with this man in a committed relationship his presense in my life fits

  80.  #80Olivia on February 4, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    @starla : i have an iud and there is an awesome blog called iud divas that helped me make my decision about which one to get, what to expect, if you are in need of info (but maybe you don’t just thought i’d put it out there!)

    hugs to everyone for sharing their thoughts on relationship on this blog. it’s been great for me.

  81.  #81GlowStix on February 4, 2013 at 7:09 pm


    Hey 🙂 I hear you…I have felt that way too. And thought that thought “I don’t want to be a burden.” And letting go of this still feels touchy, and it still pops up a lot, for me. I do know that, to me, there is no “burden” within love. And It is something I will move through letting go of, until it is no longer even a thought.

    It is fulfilling to care for me. I can believe this while still believing I don’t have to “require” someone to care for me. I can still also be fully in my feminine while not requiring that I be taken care of wholly, financially etc.

    That’s the epiphany I had at the top of the thread 😀

    And the trigger was rori’s words “What do you need his money for?”

    Well…Nothing! But it will still feel good to be taken on
    the occasional date, and treated to flowers.

    I can be the main breadwinner and still be fully feminine in my relationship. And that felt “aha!!” and “yes!!!!” 🙂

  82.  #82GlowStix on February 4, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    I felt brought back to “switching hats” and realized I had been narrowing it’s purpose in using the tool only for receiving his presence. I can use it when switching from work to home and from “go getter” to lover.

  83.  #83GlowStix on February 4, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    I realize I had been holding myself back and restraining myself with this limiting belief: If I work more, and end up with more money than him, he will never treat me to anything.

    Very limiting. And I moved my first inch on this belief today.

  84.  #84Femininewoman on February 4, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    Linda that feels “just right” deep down.

  85.  #85GlowStix on February 4, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    Ever changing, always learning 🙂 I feel totally at ease in my life this day, even with all my swirly life thoughts lol, and i’m milking every moment.

  86.  #86GlowStix on February 4, 2013 at 7:20 pm


    Sounds normal and authentic, whether you felt it or not. You sound great 🙂

  87.  #87Linda on February 4, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    FW and Glowstix … Oh my ! how good that feels to read !!!!

    Here I have been focused on what I needed to improve on… do better…. all the while minimizing what went really right. I have been living life with this CD with no expectations and receiving as my moto and mindset.

    Maybe I need to lighten up on the expectations that I put on me and so that I can better enjoy and see what is going better and what I did right!

    A gift I could give myself?

  88.  #88Miraculously Loved on February 4, 2013 at 7:42 pm

    #79 Linda
    That sounds marvelous and in your words I feel openness…how wonderful for you.

  89.  #89GlowStix on February 4, 2013 at 7:49 pm

    Yes, I think that sounds like a beautiful gift to yourself, Linda 🙂 Tie it up in a big bow, you deserve it!

    I love how you spoke of his daughter btw it felt so tender and gentle and also concerned to do right by her, in a good way.

  90.  #90Annie on February 4, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    It feels so good when I state what would feel better and then I get offered it, I feel heard and happy then

    And it feels so bad when I clearly state that i do not want something and state what i do want instead very directly and then get offered what i do not want over and over again. Even though I say no I don’t want that, as that would feel stressful to me or unnerving etc etc.
    I then just keep getting offered what I do not want and called difficult, ungrateful etc etc.

    It makes me feel sad, how is expecting me to be happy what I do not want ever going to make me feel happy?
    Why is me not wanting what i don’t want and refusing it being ungrateful and difficult, if what I am being offered makes me feel stressed, unheard and sad.

    That just feels truly awful.
    I am not wrong wanting what I want. And not wanting to do something that makes me feel stressed out or bad.
    I want to feel calm and good.

  91.  #91Annie on February 4, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    What is going on with this person/ couple of people who keep offering me what I do not want over and over and expecting me to change my mind and be happy with it?

    Calling me names like difficult, ungrateful, saying things like “nothing is ever good enough for you, makes me not want to bother.”
    That isn’t the truth if I was offered what I clearly stated I wanted that would and does make me feel happy, relaxed, happy, heard and grateful.
    I feel wonderful then.

  92.  #92Annie on February 4, 2013 at 8:06 pm

    It makes me feel suspicious.
    Are they either consciously or subconsciously getting a kick out of seeing me look angry or sad?

    What is going on I want to understand why someone would do this?
    And keep doing this.

  93.  #93Annie on February 4, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    I feel icky unsettled inside, it feels like a storm at see inside when this happens.
    Waves crashing.
    It does not feel good.
    It feels like I may have a heart attack or a stroke.
    I want to take care of myself and not put myself in those situations anymore.

  94.  #94Miraculously Loved on February 4, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    “and I cried when I left our tomorrows
    in the abyss of a memory” this is the feeling for tonight. So much to feel here tonight but I have wonderful work to do and getting it done is far more important. I will put my feelings aside until morning when I can focus on them, I have spent energy on them today (avoiding them mostly) and it makes me feel more sad…passing sadness by until tomorrow…tiny bit of grieving and letting go still.
    Much more good happening with B tonight in a conversation. I feel so big around him…
    Beautiful (((sirens))) feeling supported by the universe..blessings for all

  95.  #95Annie on February 4, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    blessings back.

  96.  #96Heart on February 4, 2013 at 8:40 pm

    Wow. I missed the epic fight and Rori deleted the posts!
    Feeling so curious…

  97.  #97Heart on February 4, 2013 at 9:14 pm

    #43 Marina – I feel a little grouchy reading your post. Comes across like you just showed up to chastise everyone.
    Was it necessary to write that?
    If you plan was to just keep reading Rori’s post…why didn’t you just keep doing that…Why did you need to say that?
    Seems hypocritical…
    Mercerdes & Starla may have had an Big Fight but that doesn’t make them bad ppl or make this place horrible.
    Explosions happens sometimes ….these help us learn/practice How to Out Fires. ^_^

  98.  #98Indigo on February 4, 2013 at 9:32 pm

    Linda 79

    It sounds like you did truly wonderfully. I think you can give huge ups to yourself! X

  99.  #99Indigo on February 4, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    Annie 90

    I used to feel that way, and what shifted it for me was really trying to see it from the other person’s perspective.

    I truly believe, to the core of my being, that those people do not mean to attack you. If someone says “you’re ungrateful”, yes it feels bad, and I feel fine to express that


    they are also expressing that, though they try, nothing ever seems to be good enough. They are trying to please you, although imperfectly, and they feel that it is not appreciated.

    I’m not trying to judge you at all, just share what felt better for me. I take a step back when someone says something like this, and I try to see their pain, and I try to validate it, as well as my own. And you find the exchange invariably softens. Other people also want to be heard, and I truly believe for the vast majority of people, they are not trying to hurt us.

    I hope that perhaps in a way, this was helpful.

  100.  #100Emoticon on February 4, 2013 at 10:27 pm

    GlowStix….. I remember my last two relationships one we were both employed, the next we were both unemployed.

    IDK how to to deal with my CDs who make a whole lot of money when im broke LOL

  101.  #101MovingMagic on February 4, 2013 at 10:29 pm

    (((All sirens))) everyone of us has felt loss, fear, anxiety, & regret. Life is a place of learning.

  102.  #102Emoticon on February 4, 2013 at 10:29 pm

    Money was never an issue in any of these….hmmm so why would i think that there would be any exchange of money otherwise????


  103.  #103sha-sha on February 4, 2013 at 11:56 pm


  104.  #104Annie on February 5, 2013 at 2:00 am

    Ty Indigo.

    I hear what you are saying.
    I do feel able to see it from their perspective, that they think I should be happy to be offered what I do not like.
    They think my feelings are wrong, because they would not feel like that is those circumstances because they are not me. Or they believe they would not feel like that in those circumstances.
    When actually on a couple of occasions when I have felt weary with it all I have done it back the them and they have felt exactly the same as I felt then when push came to shove and did not like it either one little bit.

    It is when they keep offering the same over and over again, KNOWING that I do not want it. It isn’t like they do not know.

    I suppose it just comes back to higher empathy again and development.
    Not being able to see it though the other persons eyes.

    It’s that you SHOULD be grateful, you SHOULDN”T feel stressed in those circumstances. Etc.

    Although in my gut at times, It is like they get off on seeing my emotional pain.
    Actually with one person I know this to be true, as I overheard them saying to another, you should have seen the look on her face it was priceless.
    They deliberately set out to cause me emotional pain and got off on it wanting to see this.

  105.  #105Annie on February 5, 2013 at 2:02 am

    And covertly tried to hide this from me with their words pretending they did not know it would cause me pain.

  106.  #106Tereana on February 5, 2013 at 2:28 am

    It’s taken me soooo long to catch up on the blog. So, from the responses to my post(s) from two threads ago – thank you, ladies!

    Dominique – Lol. “not boring.” Thank you. I appreciate that ; )

    Thank you for the hugs, Iamabutterfly!

    Starla – yay!

    And Ruth – I’ll write you a separate response

  107.  #107Tereana on February 5, 2013 at 2:38 am

    Ruth, you asked me if I even want a relationship, and you said that I seem “self-contained.”

    That’s very interesting, because you’re not the first person to observe that (you’re the second, actually ; ) It’s not something I ever thought of before. But when the other woman told me, I realized it’s true. It does tend to push away relationship to some degree, I believe. But still, my answer to your question is:

    YES, I want a relationship. AND I am self-contained.

    My stance at the moment is that this may not be the best time for me to be in a relationship (although, honestly, typing that feels cheap. How can I say that? How can it be “not the right time?” If now isn’t a good time – when is?). I’m a “hot mess” – that’s been the phrase on my mind all day…I got 99 problems and…well, you know….

    So, basically, I don’t feel “fit” or “ready” for a relationship. (self-contained or not). But do I want one?

    Oh yes. Oh, G-d yes. It’s so much deeper than want.

    Every cell and minute particle of my body is crying out for relationship every minute of every day. If I seem self-contained, such that I don’t “need” a relationship, then that’s probably my ego covering up the parts of me that need it the most. But the need makes itself known, sideways, backwards and upside down. so….

    Unzippering that shell, relaxing, and letting “me” come out – walking tall – that’s scary. But that’s what I’m here to learn how to do, so that I CAN be in a relationship. At least i hope. That’s why i’m still here….


  108.  #108Indigo on February 5, 2013 at 2:53 am

    Annie 104

    Not trying to invalidate your response here, because I have felt exactly the same as you are feeling, however perfect empathy is just simply not a human trait. Every person is seeing every experience through their own feelings and perspective.

    I don’t believe they are getting off on your pain. No one but a sociopathic person does that. It took me a long while to realise that some people can see the same situation COMPLETELY differently than me.

    And some people can continue to do hurtful things, knowing that it hurts us. It doesn’t mean they want to hurt us, it means that is the BEST they can do in that situation. I continue to ask D questions that irritate him and make him angry, even *knowing* that, hoping that one day he’ll see it from my perspective. It’s not perfect but hey, I’m just human.

    My point was, seeing it through their eyes can help us not to be so hard on other people, and help you to disengage a bit (ie. this person is not *trying* to hurt me), and that feels a bit better for US.

    Just my thoughts. Will say no more 🙂

  109.  #109Annie on February 5, 2013 at 3:09 am

    One person definitely did as I overheard them telling someone else that they felt good about seeing my distress.

  110.  #110Annie on February 5, 2013 at 3:14 am

    I am not talking about perfect empathy.
    I am taking about the highest level that is known of that not many people achieve. Most achieve middle level.
    Just like any other skill. Higher level maths, physics, you name it.
    If you don’t believe that, who am I to argue.
    I accept your belief and feels best to agree to disagree as I do not want to argue.

  111.  #111Annie on February 5, 2013 at 3:15 am

    Perhaps that one person was a sociopath?
    I do not know.

  112.  #112Annie on February 5, 2013 at 3:22 am

    or a misogynist.
    Either way he did actually get pleasure from seeing my emotional distress.

  113.  #113BeLoved on February 5, 2013 at 3:45 am

    Annie – the word that comes to mind is “sadistic”.

  114.  #114Memulo on February 5, 2013 at 4:33 am

    Starla, you can do a blood test very early on, but taking a couple of standard pregnancy tests will pretty much give you the answer. It’s too early to freak out!!!! I may have missed part of the story, but can you take more standard tests?

  115.  #115ruth on February 5, 2013 at 4:48 am

    107 Tereana

    Thank you.I see 🙂
    I guess when you have explored your own feelings a bit more then you might feel ready for relationship
    Nothing at all wrong with being in a transition or healing period and not in a realtionship in the interim

    There is no rush, is there


  116.  #116ruth on February 5, 2013 at 4:50 am

    Linda, that realy sounds like you handled things well

    Starla, I hope you get some answers soon

  117.  #117Beloved on February 5, 2013 at 4:57 am

    I feel relieved…
    being honest and gentle with myself, I’m getting my priorities straight.
    Canceling the massage scheduled in a couple of weeks and going to use the money instead for hiring someone to do my resume. I don’t want to deal with it and have been struggling with it for nearly TWO YEARS, it’s stupid and even though I used to be able to crank one out like breathing, my brain changed and I accept that and I’ll pass it off.
    Which frees up so much energy in my mind!

    Now I feel more capable of dealing with other stuff in my life…
    skip the fast food and get some new clothes, instead.
    Skip the lazy weekends and get a weekend job to bring in a little more $$.
    Maybe get a job at Lane Bryant so I can upgrade my wardrobe, living in thrift-store hippiedom for the last decade has left my closet so threadbare. I tried and tried to be so cool like the fabulous creative people I know who can rock a thrift store fake fur, but I’m just not one of those people.
    I wish I were and G0d knows I made myself insane trying to be…!
    I accept that I’m not and open to the possibility of blossoming into more in the future.
    Maybe this is my little ‘victim-of-circumstance vampire that can’t change’ aspect…
    I accept my limitations and allow for the possibility of expansion.

  118.  #118Mercedes on February 5, 2013 at 5:55 am

    Thank you Rori and Annie for acknowledging the pain. I appreciate that very much!

    I’m soooooo excited about tonight ladies!!! J and I are going to look at lease options in an area I want to open my business! 🙂 Yay! Touring lots of available options to begin the selection process for the most attractive and lucrative space available! So EXCITING!!! I can actually visualize the grand opening and I haven’t even selected a location or name yet. haha! (cart before the horse maybe…)

    Much Love,

  119.  #119Mercedes on February 5, 2013 at 5:57 am

    Beloved: I absolutely LOVE this! It’s how I feel about me too!! 🙂 “open to the possibility of blossoming into more in the future”

    Always and forever growing and changing and learning and…well…blossoming!

    Much Love,

  120.  #120Linda on February 5, 2013 at 6:04 am

    Thanks Ruth. Somehow I got thru that …and stayed in touch myself thru the process and moments.


    I feel unsettled inside today. Actually I feel frustrated and angry. I have a lingering issue revolving around communication with FavoriteCD and I feel afraid to talk about it. Stuffing it is making me do flip flops inside. Everything seems to be headed in the direction I desire and that feels right and then a day where phone calls are not answered and text unreturned. It feels bad . I am facing white knuckled fear inside me when I try to figure out how and when to communicate this to him.

    I have to get real and take care of this for me. I dont like the drama I have going on inside me about this. It

  121.  #121Tam on February 5, 2013 at 6:12 am

    Oh we are back to ‘happy clappy’.
    Happy Days!! 😉

  122.  #122Beloved on February 5, 2013 at 6:13 am

    Sirens, is this a 40-something hormonal thing?
    Last night and this morning I’ve felt the overwhelming urge to HAVE a baby and nurse it.
    I don’t want to raise a child, I’m just jonesing for a baby to hold and nurse…wtf??!!!

  123.  #123Mercedes on February 5, 2013 at 6:17 am

    Tam: Rori asked us to close the discussion on this subject and I can respect that (although I’m happy to discuss further on my blog or in private email if anyone has further questions about what I said or why I chose to judge and attack in my response).

    I’m happier to focus on the good things going on in my life right now though…because I feel SOOOOOO excited about tonight! 🙂

    Much Love,

  124.  #124Mercedes on February 5, 2013 at 6:20 am

    Beloved: I never had that myself but I have heard of it. It sounds like a deep desire for bonding to me. Not so much having children but the nursing part just brings the word “bonding” to the front of my brain…

    Much Love,

  125.  #125Beloved on February 5, 2013 at 6:28 am

    Mercedes that fits, yes, thank you.

  126.  #126Bree on February 5, 2013 at 6:30 am


    And thanks Rori for a great post! I found this blog recently, I blog about relationships a lot myself as well.

    My guy also proposed me but then the wedding just didn’t happen. We were engaged about 2,5 years before finally getting married. During that time I was ready to end the relationship many times. I probably would have done that if a new guy would have shown up because I stopped believing that he really wanted me.

  127.  #127ruth on February 5, 2013 at 6:30 am

    Linda, I hear you
    It can be so difficult when after a lot of good open communication, men suddenly withdraw as we are starting to expect even more contact
    I keep trying to bring myself back to Dominiques wordss on this about how diffrerently men and women view communication and its timline

    I can accept this on an intellectual level, but it feel so hard to do so emotionally

  128.  #128Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 6:41 am

    Interesting read.

    1. A Man Wants Someone He Can Trust
    Sounds simple right? Actually, what it means might be different from what you may think. It means a man wants someone that will remain loyal to him. It does not refer to monogamy, although that is certainly important, and a given.

    A man measures trust by what a woman does when she has the chance to embarrass or to hurt him. After a man gives a woman his heart, he wonders what she will do with that power. Does she pay attention to the fact that he doesn’t like to be called certain names – even playfully? Has she observed that even though he likes to be the “life of the party,” he is actually pretty self conscious about what people think of him?

    In his mind, as the woman in his life you will get to see a vulnerable side of him that others don’t. When he dates you, and especially when he marries you, he wants to know that your allegiance is to him. Even though he may deserve to be ridiculed at times, he wants to know you understand him so intimately that you can put him in his place (respectfully) with just a look. In his mind, this is very sexy.

    2. Men crave a woman that is easy to please
    Many individuals misunderstand this statement by assuming that a woman that is considered “easy to please” goes along with everything. Not true. It doesn’t matter if you have a tendency to be picky or to be carefree, as long as you don’t expect a man to read your mind. Remember, he is not one of your girlfriends, and even though there are times when it seems he can read your mind, those times are usually the exception, not the rule.

    When you are pleased with something, don’t just express your pleasure verbally, include a positive emotional response as well (i.e., smile, hug him, laugh, etc.). Even though you may “tell him” what you like, that won’t have nearly the impact on him as it would if you expressed your delight by involving your emotions too. So, while you can convey your happiness or gratitude verbally, couple this with an emotional response, and notice the difference it will make.

    3. It’s not your weight…
    I can tell you from years of working with men, playing sports with men, as well as being a man, that men don’t obsess about a woman’s weight nearly as much as women do. Forget what you see on TV and in movies. What men notice is how a woman’s weight directly affects her outlook on life.

    So why do men usually like thin women? Because when a woman feels great about her body, she glows. She dresses in order to draw attention to herself. Whereas women that are self conscious about their weight, often dress in a way that appears as though they are attempting to hide.

    Remember this, when a man looks at you, he is hard wired to like your curves. Yes, I do know that some men won’t look at any woman that weighs more than 100 pounds (45 KG), but can you imagine being with that type of guy? Please trust me when I tell you that as a woman, you are designed in such a way that men can’t help but look at you. Please stop trying to be the perfect weight. The attitude and confidence a woman exhibits are what men notice more than what she actually weighs

    Bob Grant

  129.  #129Beloved on February 5, 2013 at 6:50 am

    Contemplating the word “bonding” brings a flood of memories and emotions
    I remember that I dreamed of my birthdaughter this morning, she’ll be 22 tomorrow. It was an open adoption and we are on each other’s FB but haven’t met up for a long time.
    I was holding and holding and hugging her
    I remember how I was bawling and asking, “where’s my baby? where’s my baby?” over and over, inconsolable, as I was coming out of anesthesia after the c-section and the nurse was a total b*tch, she intentionally slammed my bed against the doors and hallway walls…like…really? I’m the first disoriented woman to ever come out of general anesthesia wanting her baby?
    I feel so much pain in my heart at how women can be towards each other.
    I was 16 when I had my son and the nurses wouldn’t give me even Tylenol or help me get to the bathroom or tub or give me heat packs, I was talked down to and ignored until a friend’s mother came on duty and recognized me and helped me out.

    Feeling into the desire and tears fall
    thinking of the men who I felt bonded with in the past and how that brought out the crazy in me
    and how it feels like it could be safe now
    Under the pain, when I feel it
    is a radiant joy
    I feel it like a clear wave that dissolves the prickly places that feel like knives and the heavy places that feel like bricks
    and my heart feels light again and oscillates

  130.  #130Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 6:53 am

    Indigo – I continue to ask D questions that irritate him and make him angry, even *knowing* that, hoping that one day he’ll see it from my perspective.

    This can be experienced as disrespectful. It is assuming the convincer role so the man will naturally resist.

    Something that I have experienced in the past and read about only yesterday. When you use your intuition you can tune in to your partner’s emotional state and adjust your communication to validate their feelings. Especially of it is something that you can identify with. For many men this like tuning in to their emotional frequency, so you can speak their language in a way that leave them feeling like you get them. At http://www.beirresistible.com they suggest that intuition is an important skill that women need to use with their men for more than one reason. I got the understanding that men unconsciously require and expect you to use it with them.

  131.  #131Mercedes on February 5, 2013 at 6:54 am


    Much Love,

  132.  #132Tam on February 5, 2013 at 6:54 am

    ((((Beloved))) somehow I feel very angry with these people who treated you like that.

  133.  #133Mel on February 5, 2013 at 6:58 am

    Hey Linda,

    I feel tingly reading about your story. What a nice experience you had meeting his dear little girl!

    I actually feel sort of moved to share a story with you. It was a little over a year ago… Mr A and I had been dating several months and he felt it was time for me to meet the kids. It all went nicely and felt good. This was around the holiday season, and the very next day I left for 10 days on a trip to visit family over Christmas.

    For the entire time I was gone, communication felt very sparse. At first I felt a little bothered by that, but I told myself that he’s probably just respecting my time with family and is likely busy doing a lot of visiting himself.

    It felt strange not to hear from him several times a day… this felt out of the ordinary… and at times I wondered… “why?” I mean, I had just met his kids! Is he re-thinking things?

    But I let it go, and enjoyed my time with my family. I responded to his brief occasional texts warmly and shared how happy I felt being with my loved ones.

    When it came time for me to come home, I was even feeling slightly worried that he would not be at the airport to pick me up as planned (since I hadn’t heard from him in a couple days). I told my NVs to rest and said… even if that’s the case…. so what. You are perfectly capable of getting a cab.

    As it turned out, he was there waiting for me… huge smile on his face… said he missed me soooooo much. He asked if I could please stay with him for the next while (we were both still on vacation). And pretty much since that day, we have been together. He asked me over every day for dinner and a sleepover, we were able to see each other when he had the kids (previously we did not see each other during those times), and he wanted me with him ‘always.’ We now live together.

    I think that while we were apart, he was probably doing some regrouping…. thinking about how he felt…. dealing with those feelings in a guy sort of way…. Realizing how much he missed me and figuring out what he wanted to do about that. He needed that space to just “be.”

    Or maybe not. I don’t really know. It could have been none of the above. But I do think that after intense moments, it is quite normal for guys to go a bit quiet for a while…

    Anyways, I just thought I’d share.

  134.  #134Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 6:59 am

    (((((((((((((((Beloved)))))))))))))))))) It was my first thought too after a C-section at my first child’s birth.

    All that has happened since yesterday and a recent experience of a man asking me to be a surrogate (at my age) for him and his wife makes me appreciate babies and mothers so much more. I am here thinking of the miracle of birth. I also have a 40 year old friend who is finally pregnant after 9 years of longing.

  135.  #135GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 7:32 am

    FW Re: Bob Grant

    Amen amen AMEN!!!!!

    As an example of the trust topic: From a man whos gf had sex with someone else in a bush at a party at their house.

    His own words “I could have gotten past that. She was drinking, and we were on the rocks. What I couldn’t get past is that I felt humiliated in front of everyone there. When I just wanted to clear the house of people, and talk, she told me in front of everyone that I was ruining the party and she left with her friends. It felt like I could never get past that.”

    On the body topic: This is so true. It is our comfort in our own skin. And someone comfortable in their own skin (myself) doesn’t really give much thought to those people who only admire “thin”. They are not a potential interest of mine, so their views are of little value to me, positively, or negatively. They just “exist” *shrug*. Barely, at that. I suppose they aren’t noticing me, therefore i’m not noticing them 😉

  136.  #136Mercedes on February 5, 2013 at 7:38 am

    GlowStix (and Bob…lol)…I completely agree. A woman who is confident and comfortable in her own skin is what most men (and women for that matter) find attractive. Those that find something else attractive…well…whatever… 😉

    Much Love,

  137.  #137Dominique on February 5, 2013 at 7:40 am

    BeLoved – 117 – “I tried and tried to be so cool like the fabulous creative people I know who can rock a thrift store fake fur, but I’m just not one of those people.”

    Says who? How do you know this is true? ANYONE can rock a thrift store fake fur, anyone. And this mean YOU too.


  138.  #138GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 7:41 am


    It feels scary, and saddening to know you were treated in this way 🙁

    My gramma was pregnant with twins when her husband sent her into early labour, by beating her up. One was born still, and one died a day later. She never got to hold him, or even see him. She did not get to name him or witness the baptism. Her uncle “handled” it all. She did not even know that he “Anthony” was buried. She just found this out 2 years ago…Some 55 years later.

    When she wanted to leave her husband (she was only 19 at that time, and he was not only physically abusive, but also sexually disturbed. Having been caught masterbating in front of their 2 toddler children being the reason he beat her up) her father/mother would not help her. She packed her things with my aunt (3) and my mom (2) and took up in a motel room.

    It feels so wrong, the way women have been treated in this world.

  139.  #139Dominique on February 5, 2013 at 7:43 am

    BeLoved – 128 – <3


  140.  #140GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 7:50 am

    I just simply can not even fathom how emotionally painful such experiences would be. And I admire the strength and perseverance of every woman who has ever walked through such things.

  141.  #141Linda on February 5, 2013 at 7:50 am


  142.  #142Indigo on February 5, 2013 at 7:56 am


    I am truly sorry for your pain.

    Anyone who delights in causing you pain should be given a wide berth.


  143.  #143Indigo on February 5, 2013 at 7:59 am

    Feminine Woman 129

    I know he experiences it as disrespectful, and disrespectful is the very last thing in the world that I intend to be.

    I don’t know how to reconcile the need to know from the strong voices in my soul, my need for things to be safe, my need for security and to know where I stand, with his wish not to talk about things.

    I wish I knew the way, and then I would beat myself up because I hated causing him any stress whatsoever.

  144.  #144Rori Raye on February 5, 2013 at 8:10 am

    Bree – I deleted your lst name for your privacy, and yayy for the new guy, and BRAVA for YOU! Love, Rori

  145.  #145Annie on February 5, 2013 at 8:18 am

    I feel so sickened and saddened reading about such an inhumane act.
    “I feel so much pain in my heart at how women can be towards each other.”

    I feel synchronized with you.
    Has to be one of the most inhumane acts that a person/ woman or man can do to another woman.

    I feel outraged .
    I would support anyone who wanted to stop this happening.
    It feels so awful to me.
    It still goes on today.
    So very awful.

  146.  #146Annie on February 5, 2013 at 8:24 am

    Ty Indigo.

  147.  #147Emoticon on February 5, 2013 at 8:29 am

    ((((((Glowstix grandmom)))))))

  148.  #148Linda on February 5, 2013 at 8:32 am

    Hi Mel

    Your story is so great to read.

    FavoriteCD does definately has exhibited patterns of which you described. I have worked thru the issues I had about neediness and reassurance really and have let that go. THis is yet a deeper layer and really about me and fear that is related to what I have experienced with two other men in my life.

    I a relationship I was alll in with. He was too I thought… gave every indication of that for 1 1/2 years anyway. Then POOF. He just disappeared took his clothes, had secretly TOOK his apartment key off my key ring and ignored my calls, texts.. etc. Typing this and its memory makes my heart race and anxious. I never expected anything like that to ever happen.

    My latest relationship… Geeze I dont even want to go there. Suffice it to say communication is important to me and I have bad experiences with it. Sooooo

    I know where the fear comes from. Logically things that dominique and others have helped me see fit too.. I still have the deeper one that has the emotion attached to it.

    Internal drama… not his stuff.. but he triggers it… Add in that I just like communication and there you have mess to work thru.

  149.  #149Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 8:33 am


    I guess if we all knew the way we might not have come to the blog in the first place. What I assumed was that “HE” did not want to be there so no matter what you did or said would change his mind. Or his feeling. Rori encourges women to ask themselves “why am I here”?

    Those deep needs are valid. We all want to feel secure and solid when we are in a relationship. Who knows, maybe that could have been your higher self showing you that this man might not be capable or willing to help with those needs?

    Him not wanting to talk is him showing you where he is at and what he wants in his life. The needs could have represented too much pressure than he was willing to deal with. The thing is what will you choose for yourself in these circumstances (I know. Not easy)

  150.  #150Beloved on February 5, 2013 at 8:37 am

    I feel grateful for the support
    one thing I know is that I sincerely love everyone who has ever harmed me.
    I know I have harmed others, in my ignorance and even on purpose sometimes for reasons I understand and sometimes don’t.
    I’m learning to love and accept my human nature.
    The more I sink into my feelings and really feel them all the way through,
    the greater my capacity to feel and integrate them.
    I can literally feel those old feelings of pain moving into my heart and transforming into light and laughter,
    the way water becomes steam.
    Emotional alchemy.
    Some things I thought I would never ever ever get over,
    now seem almost like they happened to someone else.
    It feels like forgiveness.
    I used to think that if I let go of memories and pain, that I would be doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past,
    but hanging on to them only made me more likely to do the same thing over and over.
    Letting go and putting each memory and feeling in it’s place makes my heart stronger and grows my ability to be kind, compassionate, and
    humbly dignified
    ooooh, liking that

  151.  #151Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 8:58 am

    Hi Sirens,

    Looks like I missed some heated discussion. Starla, I hope you feel you’ll still get the support you need here, and that everything will be ok.

    Mercedes, not sure what happened, but it is a serious topic and I understand any pain you may have around it. Or any other sirens.


  152.  #152GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 9:16 am


    You are so incredible and I have so much love for you girl 🙂

    I’m sure gram would thank you for the embrace!
    She is the most stand up woman I know in this world and I have the deepest possible respect and love for her. It feels difficult to get close to her sometimes. ((((her))))

  153.  #153Mercedes on February 5, 2013 at 9:19 am

    Thank you Turquoise! Muah!

    Much Love,

  154.  #154GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Wow, what a flood of emotion over here. Tears and big bubbling chest feelings.

    I was contemplating how I wrote “respect” before “love” and how it says a lot about how I feel. I feel equal parts respect and love yet somehow the respect comes, before the love, from me, with her.

    And then I was just existing at that time, in her skin. It feels overwhelming.

    I can feel close to her in this way, and in return perhaps she will feel closer to me.

  155.  #155Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 9:24 am


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  156.  #156Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 9:26 am

    Welcome Bree

  157.  #157Emoticon on February 5, 2013 at 9:26 am

    women are such strong people.

    everyone has a struggle, yet still we rise. hmmmm

  158.  #158Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 9:29 am

    It’s no secret. Confidence helps in the dating world. If you feel confident about how you look, you will be more playful and relaxed and attractive. If you feel confident about your value as a human being, you will bring warmth and genuine presence to your interactions with men.

    What if you have low self-confidence about your appearance or your personal value? Does it help to repeat affirmations like, “I am radiant and beautiful?”

    The short answer is no. If you do not already feel beautiful, saying you do just brings your focus to something that decreases your confidence (while simultaneously lowering your mood).

    On the other hand, if you affirm things you already like about yourself, you can bolster your confidence. Think of affirmations as personal reminders to focus your mind on something that makes you feel more confident.

    For example, if you don’t feel beautiful compared to other women, saying you are beautiful makes you feel like a liar trying to pretend to be something you don’t really believe you are. But if you are funny and you know it, an affirmation like, “Anyone can enjoy my company because I will make them laugh,” is a good affirmation.

    Reminding yourself of your qualities just before you walk into a social environment can reconnect your thoughts with your positive qualities, thereby generating more confidence and a feeling of self-worth that will help you attract the right guys and say no to the wrong ones.

    James Bauer

  159.  #159Annie on February 5, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Indigo from last thread.


    Hi Heart

    “That’s the thing, we *are* broken up. We were in a relationship, and it ended.

    We stayed in a sort of limbo for a little while afterwards, where we kissed and cuddled and spent time together. And then he suggested we take a break to properly heal, and then he said he would re-look at the relationship after 6 months.

    The break itself doesn’t feel bad to me. It feels like a relief, it feels like what needs to happen. It’s the confusing feelings I feel while we’re *on* the break that are exhausting to me. Like him contacting me every day, and him going out and befriending other women. It’s totally draining to think about.

    I think I need a bit of distance.”

    Up to now, you did what you felt was right, but now you know better and must date – just as he is. Leave him alone. Let him work this out – and let him MISS you. You’ve just been so THERE for him, so loyal, even though he wasn’t available – you must end that NOW.

    You must DATE him, and date others, too. Love, Rori

    And when I emailed her back, with this answer and asking for permission to answer her letter here, she followed up with this:

    “One last thing I wanted to add Rori- for the last few weeks I actually HAVE been leaving him alone and giving him his space… I told him I am going to date too. (it has been about 3 weeks) And he said ok we will both do our thing for a little while and date and he keeps contacting me and telling me things like “I’m excited to get back together in a few months”… and “I cant wait till we are back in full swing” etc etc.

    I actually HAVE been getting out there and he senses it, so he is literally texting me EVERY night asking me what I am up to, who I’m going out with etc etc. He contacts me 10 times a day to still write “cutesy” messages, to try to find out what I’m doing, and to let me know that he is already getting tired of the dating. But on the other hand he is still not telling me “I miss you, lets get back together” etc. He still wants to have his cake and eat it too. He still wants to keep living this “single life” and try the dating scene but he wants to also keep tabs on me and communicate with me every day.

    Another question I had is: What do I do when he contacts me everyday? Should I just IGNORE HIM? He literally sends me 10 texts a day. DO I ignore him altogether?”

    And here’s more answer from me:

    I’m going to talk to all of us from here…

    Why do you suppose he’s calling and texting Sara so much?

    Is it because he “loves” her?

    Is it because she’s his “anchor”? His “friend”?

    Is it because he doesn’t want to “lose her”?

    If I were Derek – I’d do exactly the same thing. I’d date. I’d sleep around. I’d have a high old time and get some experience and variety and see what’s out in the world. And I’d pray the man standing by me would hold fast and wait for me.

    It’d feel stressful and yet liberating. Having that man there to call and text would make me feel steadier.

    Let’s say the man “makes a show” of “getting out there” and “being okay” – but I know he’s not.

    Now – when I’m “done” sleeping around and experimenting – what’s going to happen for me?

    Am I going to want to return to the “true blue” man who’s been waiting patiently for me, loving me?

    Am I going to meet another man who’s more exciting for me – perhaps a man completely out of my comfort zone because not only am I free from the husband I escaped from, I’ve discovered so much about myself I didn’t know, and discovered that I have different needs and wants and desires than I thought I had?

    Or am I going to burn out from fear and boredom and come to my senses and realize the waiting man is the one for me?

    And the answer is – it’s different for a man than it is for a woman. Because I’m a woman – there are all kinds of variables here: Do I want children, do I want to settle down? Is he a good provider, a good man? Do I feel good about myself when I’m with him?

    But for a man – it’s different. The answer all depends on one thing – It all depends on the level of attraction I’m feeling.

    So the answer for Sara is to inspire in him the most intense attraction possible for her – and at the same time, to build up her self-esteem so that she doesn’t NEED him to be attracted to her.

    And the action steps for those two things are the same! Because – the more Sara builds up her self-esteem and love for herself, the more she stops beating herself up over the last 4 years and creates a rockin’ good life for herself – FAST, NOW, this MINUTE – the more attraction she will create around her.

    So – back to us women in Derek’s shoes.

    What if the “true blue” man who’s in love with me and waiting for me (even though he might be trying to show me that he’s NOT waiting for me) cuts off communication and contact? What if he disappears from me? Starts REALLY dating another woman – or tons of women, and stops taking my calls – or returned maybe a text every couple of days saying something like – “I feel good…things are great here…” – perhaps just because he’s BUSY, and because it doesn’t feel good in his gut to be emotionally distracted by all my calls and texts?

    Well – that would make me feel anxious, right? It would make me want to call him even more…to cling to the stability he gives me by waiting around and loving me. That would make him look different to me. That would create more attraction. More interest.

    BUT – would it make me drop all my experimenting and go sign up for a wedding with him?

    Depends. I’m a girl. Girls are very different from boys. Sara is very different from Derek.

    If I were truly “in love” with the waiting guy – I’d be done experimenting in about 2 seconds. If you want to be with someone, you want to be with someone. But his “waitingness” would dampen my enthusiasm.

    I remember that in college, there was a boy who loved me. He wanted me, wanted to marry me – but I just wasn’t there. He didn’t light my fire – I needed to see the world, feel passion…(and now – I see that I so needed to do that – even the heart-breaking parts…). And after college, he went away to law school. He was in pain, because it was the college that took him, but he wanted me to be with him. And he knew I wasn’t going to marry him and travel there with him.

    We did see each other occasionally after that, when he’d come home…but then I met another man (a man I write about a lot), and that was the end of his hopes.

    The thing was – there was a time when I was very “into” that boy. It was at the beginning – when I was a freshman, and he took me out and I was TOTALLY into him. And then he dumped me, cold. He started dating my sorority sister, and it was icky, and I moved on to other boys…and then…he wanted me back. And there was nothing there for me. I dated him, I did – seriously – for my whole senior year, hoping that feeling of being into him would come back to me – but it never did. I’m not sure than anything he could have done would have re-created that feeling for me.

    Real life with him was way different than the wide-eyed idea of him I’d had at the beginning.

    And yet – my TRULY forgetting about him and having a fabulous college life and a new boyfriend – even though he was always around in my world – caught his interest and made him come for me – full bore – again.

    I can’t promise, you, Sarah that Derek will revive his interest in you.

    I can promise you, however, that every moment you WAIT for him – EMOTIONALLY – and there is a big difference between “getting out there” for show and really, emotionally being available to other men – you dampen his feelings of attraction.

    Derek’s enthusiasm for you is already being dampened by your eagerness to have him. He knows you’re just “dating” because he is – and he KNOWS you’re not serious about it.

    He KNOWS it’s HIM you want. He’s a good guy – and mostly – he’s trying to avoid hurting you, but he KNOWS he’s hurting you – and so he’s soft-soaping you and doing everything he can to keep things AS THEY ARE. He’s doing everything he can to keep CONTROL of this situation – and of YOU.

    So. You have to take control of yourself. Take his perception that he has control over your heart away from him.

    DON’T LET him “keep tabs” on you. Answer his texts ever few days with simple messages, like…”Feeling happy the suns out…” or “Saw Avatar – wow…” or “Front page of the paper makes me feel sad…” or – you get the idea. Stay AWAY from talking about the relationship.

    End the perception that you are HIS.

    Instead – be YOURS. Let your heart belong to YOU.

    Do NOT answer his questions about what “you’re doing.” And about dating:

    This is serious. You have to not only “get out there” – you have to start KISSING other men. You have to imagine that this relationship with Derek is OVER and you’re starting fresh. I’d consider taking an actual lover. Yes, a man you sleep with and have sex with. Make sure he’s a good guy who ADORES you. And just consider it.

    IF you could date Derek, TOO – without getting weird and uncomfortable and talking about the relationship, that would be amazing. If you could practice being open with him, and not closing off because of these other women – you’d do yourself a world of good – But it’s very, very challenging to do that. You have to be a rock-solid rock star, with tons of men revolving around you, tons of options, and a total sense of your diva-ness.

    This is like “The Bachelor.” The women on the show have an understandably hard time opening up to a man who’s actively dating, hugging, kissing, getting emotionally intimate with other women they actually LIVE with – even though they’ve only known him for a short time. How on earth could you be “cool” under these same circumstances with a man you’ve known for a long time and love?

    Is that possible for you?

    It wouldn’t be for me. I know, in the past, in my old days – I would have tried to make this work. I would have acted my ass off and pretended to make it okay. I would have REFINED my “waiting” to make it look like I was “cool.” But my heart would hurt. There is no way to feel somewhere out in left field in a situation like this.

    And every time you see him and he sees you, you’re going to feel pressured to be “cool” and yet “open” and using Feeling Messages, and he’s going to feel pressured somehow.

    Dating a man who’s still interested in dating other women is always a bad thing.

    Sara – I want you to Circular Date, and I want you to promise me that your life will start anew this second. Forget about the past. At this point, Derek is a man who’s texting you a lot. Ignoring him is a wonderful idea. How about you treat him like some boy who’s chasing after you in some weird way – like a fly – and just take your attention off of him. Do what you need to do to stay “cool.” Do what you need to do to make yourself available for other men.

    And Derek will either show up or he won’t. I’m holding the space for you to have what you want – whether it’s in the form of Derek or not – so – put your Happy Ever After in front of your mind’s eye instead of a picture of Derek.

    In my story of the college boy who loved me – the thing that stands out to me, and that I consider the rock foundation of much of my work is this: I was TOTALLY into that boy. I was devastated when he stopped calling, dumped me, and starting dating a woman who was my sorority sister, my friend, my roomate. It was always in my face, what had happened. But, when I TRULY went past it, and got a LIFE, and he came back for me – the person who’d lost interest was ME.

    I was no longer “into him.”

    And this is what I wish for you, Sara, and for all women who’re finding themselves in this situation. No pain. Just boredom. And “Next….”

    We’re all pulling for you. You can DO this..

    Love, Rori

  160.  #160Indigo on February 5, 2013 at 10:04 am


    Thanks for posting this. This was EXTREMELY helpful.

  161.  #161Indigo on February 5, 2013 at 10:10 am

    Feminine Woman

    Thank you so much for the hugs.

    And thank you so much for the suggestion that this could be my higher self trying to tell me that he can’t or won’t help with those needs. I think I forget when I’m beating myself up that there is a higher wisdom here. Thank you, your suggestion feels very wise.

    This could be my higher self calling my attention very urgently to an insecure situation. Showing me that this isn’t really a safe place to invest myself right now. What a beautiful and wise thing our emotions are.

  162.  #162GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 10:15 am


    This doesn’t feel in harmony with what I did to bolster my self confidence.

    Ok, I *first* had to change my beliefs surroundig what encompasses beauty. Then I was able to believe myself when I say “I am beautiful”. What is beauty to me? Light and love and emotion and differences. The human condition. I had to believe that straight up appearance can literally change depending on how we feel inside. If not body “shape and size”, the aura and energy of the body changes when we love ourselves as beautiful AS WE ARE. And in turn the onserver can literally see us completely differently. We often forget that the human eye is connected to a miraculous and complex brain ruled by senses and emotion.
    The brain senses beauty in an all encompassing and emotional way. It is not just a visual picture with zero life behind it.

    When I hated my body and thought I was not beautiful all I ever did was affirm how great I was in every other way BUT physical beauty, and that just loomed like a big dark grey “BUT”. It did nothing for my vibrancy.

  163.  #163GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Mustn’t leave out that I, myself, am also an observer of myself and I see myself completely differently. Even in old pictures. New pictures. Mirror. Mind. In every way I can see myself, I look like a completely different person than what I used to see.

  164.  #164R.N.AmazingMe on February 5, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Rori this is really awesome stuff and I am probably definitely at Liberty to say I am a proud product of this exact advice ur giving Sara. Men and women are different yet still have some of the same needs. Men live confidence if u love ur voluptuous curves so will he. He will be more attracted to that than the skinny boney chick that is self conscious of her flat bootie. Or even if it is the other way around truthfully it is a win win a man that truly loves you for you good and bad is not going anywhere easily. But u have to love yourself first and share or show the essence of who u are and what makes u so confident. Its not that I am better than anyone but wierd as it sounds I do not ever look at woman and wish I could be anyone else but me. My curves and my expression of my hairstyles and clothes is how I feel at that moment. Its me and I live that girl with all her imperfections. She is unique, I wouldn’t choose anyone else because she is an amazing woman. Strong and beautiful I make women jealous not because of how I look but how I carry my attitude. Comfortable with me not jealous nor paying attention to u or bad mouthing u to make myself feel better. I acknowledge u and stand above u not because I am better but because my focus is where it should be not putting others down or judgment being passed. Trying to find my comfort in a crowded room because comfort is within me. I love who I am and it shows I am focusing on how I run my fingers through my hair and laugh with no restrictions. I am just being me, confident,beautiful, and having a great time. The feeling is unexplainable,noone is a comparison and no one makes u feel your not enough because you already know yourself…you got the it factor and it is not something anyone can figure out it is just something about this girl that radiates and have not just men but women too wonder what is it about her. Just saying feels good sirens…really good.

  165.  #165GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Never would I have ever believed I would get to the place where a man can come up behind me, grab 2 big handfuls of my belly and *shake* 🙂 and all I feel is giggly and receiving affection. mmm it’s kind of glorious!

  166.  #166Emoticon on February 5, 2013 at 10:29 am

    I never thought I would let a man put his face between my legs…… felt so self conscious about it.

    But hey, we judge ourselves a lot harsher than others judge us.

  167.  #167ruth on February 5, 2013 at 10:35 am

    I wold love to be in such a place.Seems impossible for me to get there

  168.  #168R.N.AmazingMe on February 5, 2013 at 10:35 am

    Now the part I struggle with is actually letting someone into my heart and let them no this amazing woman because I struggle with being so vulnerable. I feel it is weakness for one to prey on and that scares me

  169.  #169GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 10:36 am


    Yep! That’s for sure. And i’m finding that others can definitely only harsh upon us, what we harsh upon ourselves. It is not possible otherwise. Someone could call me “fat”…I just simply wouldn’t believe them lol Moreso, I would feel shocked, remove myself immediately and wonder what kind of pain they are buttering over by putting me down.

    Just as a hypothetical.

  170.  #170GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 10:38 am


  171.  #171GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 10:42 am


    I see you, and believe in you! You know I think your smokin’ and also cute and beautiful. I believe you can get to where you feel these things for real. <3

  172.  #172Indigo on February 5, 2013 at 10:48 am

    GlowStix 162

    I loved your post. I remember the moment when I started to think of myself as beautiful. It was when I realised that the people *I* thought of as beautiful, were always people who had something unusual about them, or some endearing quirk, and not people who were classically beautiful.

    I realised that the people I would want to be around, whose opinion would matter to me, would be the kind of people who would love the unusual and unique. I started imagining the person who would be taken by the little mole under my eye, or who would find my slanting jawline to be just right, and my feeling of beauty grew from there.

    It was a pretty cool feeling 🙂

  173.  #173Iamabutterfly on February 5, 2013 at 10:49 am

    @164 R.N. Amazing Me – Wow, I feel so warm, inspired, awestruck, and tingly reading that! Thank you for loving yourself so much, and inspiring us all to do the same!

    ((((ruth)))) – I feel so confident that you will get there. You are absolutely wonderful and encourage me so much when I’m feeling icky and questioning things!

    Me? I feel so humbled and warm and full of awe. I feel curious and thankful and so good today!

    Feels good just to read and not have any venting or masculine energy thinking to do.

    I just feel peaceful. Feels great. 🙂

  174.  #174GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 10:51 am


    Feels awesome to read! And just exactly how I feel.

  175.  #175Emoticon on February 5, 2013 at 11:02 am


    ur the lady with the goddess rockin body

  176.  #176ruth on February 5, 2013 at 11:03 am


    I am almost 48 and have had low self esteeem most of my life, ESP about how I look(and ive been skeleltal, fat, thin -ish and currently in the middle now)

    Just -HOW do you actualy believe it

  177.  #177GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 11:14 am


    Because I believe the only thing holding anyone back is there own resistance and once a person is aware, it is far more difficult to go backwards, than to go forwards. I can see, from your words it’s something you desire, and are aware of. I know you may not believe it, but I do, and I desired to put that out there.

  178.  #178ruth on February 5, 2013 at 11:15 am

    thank you for the nice words ladies

  179.  #179GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 11:15 am

    I just believe it. I feel it, I see it, I believe it.

  180.  #180GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 11:16 am


  181.  #181GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 11:17 am

    It felt important for me to do as much, if not more, work on my resistances to acheiving my desires, as work on actually acheiving them.

  182.  #182ruth on February 5, 2013 at 11:21 am

    glowstix, well, yes
    but how to believe it really?
    Fake it till you make it , well, it doesnt work for me
    I do make an effort, wear fitted clothes and nice jewellery and stuff but its harder and harder to see the point

  183.  #183GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 11:22 am

    Sometimes I even find, if I successfully move through and remove a resistance, I just suddenly am “there”. Though it’s more rare. Usually I have to move towards that place after the resistance is gone. Sometimes it all takes minutes, or hours, or a day, or in the grand scheme of some things, years.

  184.  #184GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 11:24 am

    I used to think “fake it till you make it” but not anymore. It helped me somewhat for some things…Solid committment to myself and my process is where the money is at. Perhaps dreamily “convincing” myself on a regular basis. I see no harm in that either…It keeps me in a good space and gold energy.

  185.  #185GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 11:25 am

    Good, gold, same isht! 😉

  186.  #186Emoticon on February 5, 2013 at 11:25 am

    Ruth, its all in the mind.

    A lot of people want to be skinny…. like model stick figure skinny….. this is what Ive been my entire life and believe it or not i managed to cry about it all the time.

    I went from one extreme to the next. I have been the SAME SIZE my whole life but my MIND went from one extreme to the next. First i kept working out and was obsessed with dieting…. this started from really young (like 3 – i blame television) ….. then u started having school friends make fun of how skinny I was. This is from abt 6 to now…. Im 22 now and they STILL do it….. girls made me feel like less of a female because i didnt have boobs yet….. etc.

    My mother always told me it would come and when it did mine might even be bigger than some of there’s and that boobs are not what makes you a woman. And it happened…. just like my mother said.

    But thats not what made me realize that I was just fine being skinny as I was…. slowly I started shopping for my own clothes and getting stuff i FELT good in and that made me feel a little better

  187.  #187ruth on February 5, 2013 at 11:26 am

    I dont understand

  188.  #188Emoticon on February 5, 2013 at 11:28 am

    I still remember things that my friends said that I believed and that made me cry…..

    But i guess i eventually stopped believing them.

  189.  #189ruth on February 5, 2013 at 11:29 am

    that was to glowstix

    Emoticon,I have been very thin and very fat, and made myself sick and all sorts
    Curently moderately overweight and pretty healthy and fit

    but yep, it is all in the mind
    But how to fix that

  190.  #190ruth on February 5, 2013 at 11:30 am

    what people say doesnt even register wth me any more

  191.  #191GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 11:32 am

    Ruth you’re gonna get me going all day 😉

    I don’t know if it’s a big secret but every word I write here, on FB, in my journal…Every word is aimed at furthering and deepening my beliefs. When words come out that seem not to serve that I will read and re-read and re-phrase and re-frame them in my mind to rectify that. Un-wavering commitment.

  192.  #192GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 11:33 am

    I know ruth 🙁

    I can’t find better ways to define my process…

  193.  #193Emoticon on February 5, 2013 at 11:36 am


    So maybe it is just what you’re telling yourself. What are you telling yourself? Maybe if you can prove to yourself that it is not so, you wont tell yourself that anymore??

  194.  #194GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 11:36 am

    I wanted so badly to get to where I was at a year ago…I just found ways to do it, that worked for me. Then when I was there, I found more and more and more stuff to walk through and flip and re-frame and I’ve just pretty much been finding any possible way that feels right, this whole time.

  195.  #195Emoticon on February 5, 2013 at 11:38 am

    And Yes, you are very fit …. thats a very good point and maybe if we can start focusing on how fit you are and how good you feel when you go running….. there will be more things popping up in our heads to feel good about, like how smart you are, or how many people you help in ur daily work activities etc. And then even more things will show up to feel good about….and so on and so forth

  196.  #196ruth on February 5, 2013 at 11:39 am

    Guess I am not on the same path or even the same planet as you Glowstix

    would sure like to be
    Feeling rather envious, and also rather hopeles
    But.thats not your issue.Its mine

  197.  #197GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 11:42 am


    You’ve got your very own planet to grow luscious gardens!

    It’s funny I do kind of feel like i’m trying to hurl seeds through space, and without even knowing if they will take, or thrive in the soils of your planet.

    I really like you, and I feel urgent to surround you with beautiful thoughts and adorations.

  198.  #198ruth on February 5, 2013 at 11:42 am

    ha h Emoticon
    Every run is a struggle for me, and in my marathon running I meet people who have run across america

    it s not biggie that I run 40 maras a year LOL

    Im not fast

    as for work, we are all docs, we all help people
    I have a few more pts talk to me and ask to se just me, but you cant put your self esteeem in that.Ddid it for years and -when you dont work, well, what do you do

  199.  #199GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 11:45 am


    Something you once said about watering the wildflowers, and not the weeds gave me an enormous boost! And like I told dominique in the other thread, those words are a part of my foundation. <3

  200.  #200ruth on February 5, 2013 at 11:45 am

    anywya, enough of my misery on here

    there is loads more positive stuff we should be celebrating

  201.  #201Emoticon on February 5, 2013 at 11:47 am

    Well Ruthie,

    Some people (like me) do not run a single marathon a year…. so no bragging rights there, but u can brag about all 40 that you do.

    Some people will never get through med school even after they get in and try and try, some people will never get into medschool

    Some people will never even graduate high school. So everything you have done, you have some bragging rights because you accomplished something and youre doing well.

    I guess its really not about who is doing more or less than you are but about what you are doing…. Do you love running? Do you love your job? etc

  202.  #202MovingMagic on February 5, 2013 at 11:47 am

    Yummm. I love this subject! Self love is so, so huge. Self love feels warm, soft, & comforting. Self love feels right, like a warm embrace. Self love feels the way warm spices taste…flavorful, exotic, & filling.

  203.  #203Emoticon on February 5, 2013 at 11:49 am

    Yep Glowstix, i totally feel like its what we choose to focus on that grows.

    I try to find whats good about the situation im in. It helps me to stay sane…. and HAPPY

  204.  #204GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 11:51 am


    You got a point!!

    And I also know well that “achievements” can feel like restraints, or similar and possibly because they do go against our true feelings. I don’t really know…

  205.  #205Mercedes on February 5, 2013 at 11:53 am

    Ruth: For what it’s worth, I didn’t think the “fake it til you make it” thing was working for me either but for some reason I kept doing it and kept meditating and visualizing on it and eventually (after months and then continuing on…), what I thought “wasn’t working” actually was. To the point where I really, really love myself and my life.

    Much Love,

  206.  #206GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 11:53 am


    Big time! I think I posted something earlier in this thread about focusing on positive and shrinking negative….

    Yes. Post #7.

  207.  #207GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 11:54 am


    Beautiful! And I still lurve the way you write. So glowy and warm. 🙂

  208.  #208GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 11:55 am

    mmmm spicy-ness! I like that.

  209.  #209ruth on February 5, 2013 at 11:55 am

    I dont know either
    I do know “acheivements” have not a lot to do with self love

  210.  #210Emoticon on February 5, 2013 at 11:56 am

    MovingMagic ….. i learned a lot more self love after doing Rori’s “yummy pie” tool over and over.

    I used to hate the fact that guys would obsess over me. Never realized it was a good thing, Never appreciated that these guys just loved me. I felt disgusted. I felt disgusting.

    My cousins used to call me a “zobie-magnet” (zobie being the word we used for vagrant or homeless person)

    But i mean yes i had homeless guys follow me and stalk me and one even came up to me early one morning when I was the only one at school and started masturbating in front of me.
    BUT I also had a lot of nice guys like me too, so maybe im not disgusting. ha

    I had a CD tell me one night “what are you doing to these guys, guys dont ever just like you, they are always obsessed” And for once i didnt think of all the crazy homeless people and guys on drugs who followed me around town harassing me….. I was thinking of all the sweet guys writing me love notes etc.
    Im yummy pie, thats why gys get hooked…. Im the freaking yummy pie no need to feel guilty about it. Im just yummy and theres not a damn thing I can do about it. I will attract little kids who like pie, I will attract lady friends who like pie. I will attract grown men who like pie and yes…. i will attract flies too…. they like pie lol

  211.  #211Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 11:57 am

    Ruth this might be off base here but do you cdate or date any of the men you run or compete with? I am thinking about something I recently read about propinquity.

  212.  #212Emoticon on February 5, 2013 at 11:59 am

    Not really the achievements Ruth…. but how you felt about it after…. how you feel about urself after accomplishing something.

    Because when ur in ur 20s, getting all correct on ur spelling tests 15 years ago feels like “ok big deal” but im sure it felt good the moment it happened and that feeling is what good self esteem stems from, we just need to keep focusing on all the little good feeling feelings

  213.  #213GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    209 ruth

    You’re right too. If we really love our achievements, they could be a good and positive place to focus, for a start. But if it doesn’t feel that way to a person, it ain’t gonna work.

  214.  #214GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    210 emoticon

    😀 lmao!! You rock. “Flies” omg. Cracking up!

  215.  #215Emoticon on February 5, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    LOL @ Glowstix

  216.  #216ruth on February 5, 2013 at 12:07 pm


    yes, one or two
    much better runners than me but very supportive of my efforts really

    but this is more about me sorting my head out

    what did you have in mind

  217.  #217Emoticon on February 5, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    Gosh, feels good to be back on the blog….

  218.  #218GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 12:09 pm


    I second that and move to stick around 😉

  219.  #219MovingMagic on February 5, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    I used to wear a shirt that said “Spice is nice”. I hand wrote the letters (I dabbled in graffiti in my younger days). I wasn’t even aware of my spiciness at the time. Yes, we are all yummy pies. Filled with flavor, texture, layers, fragrances, & amazingness. Only the lucky ones get to taste this pie. 😉

  220.  #220Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    I will then be opening lines for questions. Ask me ANYTHING. You can remain anonymous if you feel more comfortable.

    The call will run for around 30 minutes and will be tomorrow – Tuesday, February 4th at 5:30 western time, 8:30 eastern

    Dial in # – 1-862-902-0100

    Conference Code – 157203


  221.  #221Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    RE 216 Ruth I was focussed on your self esteem. I believe if you flirt shamelessly with men who have similar interests it might get you to realize that you are actually hot and that there are other men out there who are interested.

  222.  #222Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    Ruth I believe it is a biggie that you run. I wish I could at least *lumber* around a track on a regular basis.

  223.  #223ruth on February 5, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    Emoticon, just did what I had to do to get to the top of my career

    thats all
    i did it, and thats all

  224.  #224Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    How do you believe it? I stood in front of a mirror and talked to myself. I still do it. When I started I actually cringed because I thought I was so ugly. I was shocked at my reaction and ended up crying. Yet I kept pushing through and was able to push past myself to the point where I am always looking for a mirror to tell myself that I am beautiful. Funny enough it seemed that my *looks* morphed to the point where I now believe myself.

  225.  #225ruth on February 5, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    Oh! I see FW

    well, I get some attention that way yes, but i dont believe it in myself

    comes down to me, and I shouldnt need male approval anyway, no?

  226.  #226Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    Ruth pat yourself on the back for doing it. You know how many others dropped out?

  227.  #227Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    It is not a matter of needing It is just about using something that works.

  228.  #228Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    I love to think “eat your heart out” “you can look but can’t touch”. I know I am hot.

  229.  #229ruth on February 5, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    and if I can run, anyone can!

  230.  #230Emoticon on February 5, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    Ruth…. and you accomplished that…. you could have done a lot of stuff wrong, but you did so much stuff right to get you to where you are at today!!

  231.  #231Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    Ruth I used to. I now have spurs on my heels and one on my right hip. Sometimes I lumber like an old cow and at other times I limp. When I go to therapy it all goes away for a while so “I shake what my mamma gave me”.

  232.  #232R.N.AmazingMe on February 5, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    Yeah much respect running and I do not mesh well you should be really proud;)

  233.  #233ruth on February 5, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    FW they DONT drop out in my circles
    They are nut fruit loops!
    The day after tomorrow i line up to do 4 marathons in 4 days with a load of other people
    We will all finish
    some faster than others
    (I shal of course be near the back)
    Have to say that runners are a frisky lot, but as mot of them are attached its all talk

  234.  #234Beloved on February 5, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    Dominique – I’m hearing you and deleted the post I started to respond with listing all of my limitations and the reasons why!!!

    I’m feeling so scared, waves of fear.
    I noticed a lot of thoughts and images today of giving up and settling for a nice, steady profession like being a pro admin assistant forever or accounting…
    That’s my “child of an alcoholic” reacting…
    safety issues
    things are ambiguous at work
    and I’m feeling stone cold fear in my belly at the thought of doing my playshops
    The need for consistency and predictability is so entrenched.
    She/I feel distressed…waves and waves

    I was listening to Bill Harris last week and he mentioned that as we change, stuff will come up because all those old maps of reality were put in place to maintain SAFETY…
    so this may be what’s going on, I’m not sure
    and I don’t know what to do about it
    it doesn’t feel right to
    I was going to say it doesn’t feel right to pivot on this feeling but in noticing that, I’m noticing an attachment to the feeling and a belief that the fear is REAL
    a little grin just spread across my face 🙂
    Wow how FREAKY this is like yesterday with the failure feelings
    it feels like THAT is reality, it’s what is real and what is going on and true and no other possibilities seem accessible
    oh, this is too funny!
    Okay okay okay I’m going to take a break and have a talk with myself for a few and break this spell!!!

  235.  #235ruth on February 5, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    well, thats nice of you ladies but um, running just offsets my toxic lifestyle
    Ive always exercised BTWwith one six weeks in 2000 doing nothing as i could not move (slipped disc) in over 30 years
    three times a week min, every day for the last seven years
    its what i do

  236.  #236Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Okay Ruth I hear ya. You can still make up good stories in your head about those men wanting you and playing with their friskies.

  237.  #237Beloved on February 5, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    ok ok ok
    ok ok
    i took a quick walk
    I am not a baby
    I am not a helpless child
    I am a grown woman
    I don’t want to feel like a distressed little girl
    I want to feel like a capable, confident
    growna$$ woman
    I want to feel resourceful
    I can do this
    I can do this
    I want to feel in alignment with and bonded with my inner self, with my highest and best qualities.

    (geez, I only had to say to people like 3 times today that I felt scared and anxious for me to finally hear myself. Like, what are THEY gonna do about it???!!)

    I caught myself walking to the vending machine to get some Skittles
    I don’t want to medicate with sugar
    I don’t want to feel scared of my feelings
    I don’t want to feel like I’m dying just because I feel insecure and uncertain.
    I love me
    I love me
    I love love love me
    I am an adult
    I am a grownup
    I love me
    I am safe, and grounded, in my body, right here right now.
    I am grounded and safe, in my body, right here right now.
    I will not eat candy to soothe these feelings.
    I release these feelings and welcome, invite, cultivate AMPLIFY, fully embody resourceful
    which allow me to be calm, present, aware and able to respond to life with grace and ease.
    I can do this
    I can do this

    Those feelings seem so SERIOUS and DEMANDING and fricking INSIST that something terrible is going to happen
    tricky tricky
    I feel lighter
    I don’t want my throat and chest to feel so tight, I want them to feel loved, at ease, relaxed
    I am here and clear and present,
    relaxing more and more
    with each breath
    I am guided by the living intelligence expressing through and as me
    I am safe
    I am a safe place
    (little release there…thank you!)
    I feel soft and able to focus back on my work now.
    Thank you thank you beautiful wonderful life!
    Life loves me.
    Life guides me.
    Life is showing me the way, thank you thankyou
    yes yes yes moreplease thanks thanks 🙂

  238.  #238GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    Femininewoman 224

    Similar to my methods, and the “morphing” and loking for mirrors to look in, I totally get! lol Vanity. I love it! 🙂

  239.  #239ruth on February 5, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    well, FW
    they might well want to in real life
    But there ya go

  240.  #240R.N.AmazingMe on February 5, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    The vibe on the blog is nice I like it

  241.  #241Beloved on February 5, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    I lived through the feelings and am lmao right now
    I am the HBIC all up in this headspace right now…woot!

  242.  #242R.N.AmazingMe on February 5, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    Thanks sirens your all so amazing in your individual way thank you for being unique and outspoken with your joys and heartaches,we all take something from your words and experience and it made the healing process so much better!!

  243.  #243GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    Oh! Making up stories! Yes yes! I make up loads of stories. And believing I was not beautiful or ugly was just a story too. And I can take any story and flip it. It’s what I do.

  244.  #244GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 1:11 pm


    🙂 Thanks to you too!

  245.  #245April Rose on February 5, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    Big hug to you ((((((((((((BeLoved))))))))))))

  246.  #246GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    I feel bored in my body/soul, if not my mind. It would feel good to move and trip out of the house.

  247.  #247Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    All the good men are NOT taken! I can prove it.
    by Dr. Lara Fernandez on February 4, 2013


  248.  #248Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    When you find yourself frequently triggered into an unwanted feeling or reaction, but you have no idea what is being triggered, it’s vitally important not to judge yourself for being triggered. You need to accept that there is always fear, and sometimes terror, behind your own protective, controlling reactions, just as there is always fear behind others’ wounded, controlling reactions. Being aware that fear, or even terror, is usually the root cause of anger or blame or other controlling behavior can make it easier not to judge yourself or others for unloving reactions.


  249.  #249Dominique on February 5, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    BeLoved – 234 – Oh my this is GREAT stuff coming out. Yes you have created your version of what feels safe, and you are now challenging this. Yes it can feel SO
    scary. And this is AWESOME.

    FEEL that fear. Give it space, room to move. It will have the freedom to flow within you and on out so that maybe a better feeling feeling will take its place.

    I feel very excited for you. 🙂


  250.  #250April Rose on February 5, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    Hello Ruth,

    I feel curious as to whether you follow any of Rori’s food advice?
    I often stop eating sugar and wheat (difficult when I’m travelling, although when I’m home I enjoy taking the extra care).
    When I succeed for two days or more, the differences in my mood and self-esteem feel so lovely. And then when I eat them again, after a day I feel unexplainably ‘low’.

  251.  #251Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    Hi sirens,

    I feel frustrated with Sweetheart. Lately, we’ve had tentative plans to see each other, but stuff with his kids or family keep coming up. I understand him wanting to spend as much time with his kids as he can, but it still feels like he wants to see me when it’s convenient, or he doesn’t have anything else to do. We had a bit of spat about it, and I don’t feel sorry. It would be one thing if he said, sorry I won’t be able to see you tonight, my sons game got switched and I’m so excited to go see him play. No, he says…. hey, my sons game has been switched to tonight. I swear I either have nothing to do for days or a busy week!

    Right now i feel like giving a big f-u to sweetheart. I KNOW I’m over reacting, but it’s how I feel right now. Grrrr.

  252.  #252April Rose on February 5, 2013 at 1:36 pm


    If it was me, and I lived in a lively town or city, I would just book myself up with fun things to do, and switch the polarity, so that it was him putting in effort to win some time with me!

  253.  #253ruth on February 5, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    Hi April Rose

    ha ha
    No, I am a carb monster

    maybe I should not be

  254.  #254Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    April Rose, I
    Do keep pretty busy, but was thinking the same thing. The thing is, it’s not that I wanted to see him to have something to do, I don’t make a lot of plans during the week because if my kids. We haven’t spent much time together lately, so I was making an exception. Just frustrated.

  255.  #255ruth on February 5, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    thats an overly flippant response, sorry
    I do have issues with food exclusions, even if it might work
    Have sem too much *orthorexia*
    But yeah, I probably do eat too many carbs

    I dont really need them for running, dont do carb load or anythiing silly like that, I would be the size of a small barn if I did

  256.  #256Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    These words “I swear I either have nothing to do” send a subtle message to the psyche that could be triggering.

    Then I remember the words of a coach James Bauer. “You’ll be surprised at how much you can learn about a person by focusing on what happens to his energy level when you ask him what he does in his time off. That’s when you’ll be spending time with him, after all”. My mind said huh!! when I read that. When I think of spending time with a man I think of spending ALL my time with him. Not when I have nothing else to do. I couldn’t help but wondering if this is one of the differences in the sexes think.

    Then I remembered something else I read. “A man goes to a woman when he wants to feel loved or nurtured and when he wants to feel supported”. So I wonder if when a man is not in this rhythm or if his love tank is full he unconsciously says such things as “I swear I either have nothing to do” that can put a relationship in a constant state of disagreeing as it could communicate to a woman that she is being taken for granted or that she is not always at the top of a man’s list of priorities on a moment to moment basis.

  257.  #257Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    That’s interesting FW. I’m going to read that a few times and let it digest. He brought up wanting to see me last night or tonight, neither worked out. Partly due to weather. He’s admitted that he’s not good at seeing things from someone else’s point of view.

  258.  #258ruth on February 5, 2013 at 2:11 pm


    this is most interesting

  259.  #259Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    Also there are words and body we use “all the time”, maybe because they are comfortable to us, but can become a source frustration with our partners. So for me the lesson is to “keep life in a state of flux. Don’t get set in my “ways”. Choose my words.

  260.  #260Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    “body language”

  261.  #261Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    He brought up wanting to see me last night or tonight.

    Is this one of those make or break relationship moments where we can use our relationship skills and intuition. Win/win, teamwork mentality. So we can negotiate so both people get their needs met.

    This is what you want. This is what I want. What can we do or what kind of agreement can we make to make this work for our relationship?

  262.  #262Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    I also agree with 252 just that I believe context is important. The stage of the relationship is important. If it is an exclusive relationship a teamwork approach would be my first game plan. If that doesn’t work then I would go to plan B.

  263.  #263ruth on February 5, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    I like that FW

    *if* we can keep our emotions in check, ooh but no
    I mean feel them and try to react rationally

  264.  #264Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    Actually FW, I misquoted him. This was his text.
    Basketball rescheduled for 6:15 tonight…this weeks schedule is out of control…lol! It seems like I have nothing to do for days and then all of a sudden, I have more to do than hours in the day! It’s not that bad I suppose, but I just feel like I have so much going on this week. Hockey practice is Friday, but I’m not sure if I’ll be going to that or not.

  265.  #265Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    mean feel them and try to react rationally

    For me it means feel them and sit with them for a while. Allow myself to sink into them, follow them around in my body, maybe they will morph into something else.

    Reacting rationally suggests to me using my head in some way. I am consciously choosing not to do that anymore.

  266.  #266Starla on February 5, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    turquoise, i see what you mean. like not getting to see you is just an afterthought of all that boring unromantic stuff he texted you about your schedule.

    i wonder if there’s a way to say “and me? what about ME?” maybe something like “i want to see you soon. can you make this happen? i miss you.” really direct with no expectations. Honestly I don’t think there’s anything wrong with princess turquoise saying what she wants, even if it is leaning forward.

    it’s also entirely possible that he picked up your vibe around the ‘serious’ talk he was giving you and that made you a lil uncomfortable, and he is backing off.

    yall are so new… give it time and this will all level out, i’m guessing!

  267.  #267Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    He made a big deal out of wanting to see me Monday or Tuesday. Yesterday he told me he was going to his sons game. Then it got cancelled due to weather. So we were going to see each other tonight as long as the weather was ok. Then he texted me that the game was rescheduled, and now he didn’t know about Friday either, as in what I copied above.

    It’s the vibe of being told he now has other plans, can’t commit to Friday either. I told him this was getting old and we should stop trying to make plans during the week. He noted my “attitude” and said I need to remember that I see my kids all the time and he won’t pass up an opportunity to see his. Which I get, but this isn’t the first time something like this has happened, and while I understand I want to feel like a priority as well. Like I said, even if he’d just said, sorry things changed.

  268.  #268ruth on February 5, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    one still has to decide how to react to the feelings

    but maybe some time processing them forst to see what one is really feeling, is what I meant

  269.  #269Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    Turquoise I kinda suspected because we experience the world through our filters. We create stories. The question now I believe would be why am I feeling frustrated? What is the most loving thing I can do for myself?

    Then maybe when you fill yourself up with love and fun things to do you can tell him “I feel confident you will work something out as I know I am irrisistible. I imagine that your intense desire to see me will have your heart exploding in your chest and your emotions roaring in your ears. 🙂 Whatever you decide will be fine with me. I am sure I can find something to do that feels fun”.

    When their is frustration change the focus to fun and playfulness. Move away from the seriousness. See what he does and how he responds.
    I know it is a lot of yous but

  270.  #270Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    This was my reply and I haven’t heard from him since. Usually we text at the end of the day and I call him on my way home from work.

    I understand wanting to be with your kids as much as possible. But it feels like you want to see me when you have nothing else to do.

    That’s where we left it. I’m not saying anything else, especially while my vibe feels like this.
    Thanks for listening to my venting!

  271.  #271sha-sha on February 5, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    I always say U should be the women in ur Mans life to inspire him to be the best Man He can and never be the cause of more drama in his life. U should never be the women to tear him down and bring him more problems!
    I’m so Happy for my Man today He stepped Up big time! He had a horrible day yesterday with two of his employees that work at are business. Long story short a unhappy customer found there way to are home to bitch about services and being over charged for tattoo! Demanding money back and being very abusive with his words violent man his was! Anyways I’m so proud of him for taking my advice stepping up.I told him someone needs to either be fired or suspended. I sent him lots of texts last night cuz I was outta town and he was all nervous anexity no sleeping. Pissed all kinda emotins. He didn’t answer me much but I knew he was in bed processing it all….. the manager of the shop didn’t step up and do his Job or answer any calls……we have learned U can never Mix family and friends with Business it never works….Fired two employess today for pretty much stealing from our buisness I’m so proud its like my hubby has found his passion for life again. He is so amazing I love him so Much U can’t keep making Excuses for ur friends when they work for U and stealing from U.

  272.  #272Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    criticism – him this was getting old

    disrespecting the masculine – I told him

    controlling and taking the lead – we should stop trying to make plans

    It might be happening because you are wanting *more* because of the exclusivity. Maybe running down the relationship timeline at a sprint pace.

    He will notice the attitude/vibe and try to wiggle away. Message lean back, step away from him so he can take the reins and lead again.

    The relationship dance includes missteps as we learn.

  273.  #273ruth on February 5, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    Turq I hope you do something nice for you tonight

  274.  #274Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 2:52 pm

    I don’t know FW, I have a cold, hurt my knee skiing, just don’t feel myself right now. That’s a good suggestion about changing the frustration, but if we have to act like things don’t bother us when they do, how is that authentic?

  275.  #275Starla on February 5, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    turquoise, good, let him chew on that message. and there aren’t a ton of rori raye sirens out there in the world, so i’m sure he’s just waiting you out to come back to him and pick up the conversation or instigate some sort of ‘fix’.

    be different. let him come to you. let him see you are not like the other women he’s known — women who NAG him into making them feel important (which undermines feeling important lol).

    this is going to sound funny but i am kind of relieved he can be this way. the stubborn selfishness is a very “manly” trait, and i feel happy to see it come from this man who is kind of castrated in other ways in his life right now (money/work wise). i know it sounds so weird, but i am getting the gut feeling that his acting like this right now is a GOOD thing.

    even better if you let him fix it. let him chew on it and come to you when he realizes “oooooops”.

    Men do test us sometimes. even subconsciously. show him what’s up. too sireny to even nag about that shxt. state what you need clearly and leave it up to him to figure it out. no pinging him to see if he’s planning to step up.

    what i’m saying is i think you did great!

  276.  #276sha-sha on February 5, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    The more and more I lean back and use feeling messages and Rori’s tools the closer and closer I get with my Man! I’ve never been distant or had really any mager issues with him we never really fight …… but I will say this he was always close and loved me but the more I Use the tools the more and more he loves me u can actually see the changes right in front of Ur face. Its like he never wants to be away from me. He cried cuz I left for one night. It was so cute I love him to death. Last night he told me I was amazing and I was not his forever till death women he said I am his soulmate for

  277.  #277Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    Blame and criticism – But it feels like you want to see me when you have nothing else to do.

    Maybe “I need to feel your energy coming towards me. Right now it feels like it is moving away”.

    Or “the monkeys in my head are telling me you want to see me when you have nothing else to do” so I am feeling needy and snarky. I am swatting them hard and telling them to be quiet but they are in a frenzied high pitched squeal. I don’t want to hear them anymore. Is there anything you can do to help me with this?”

    Choose different words as you experiment with what he can hear.

  278.  #278Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    I know FW, not my best day.

  279.  #279ruth on February 5, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    the monkeys one is good.I like that

  280.  #280Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    See Starla’s comment I like the feisty vibe she has but I don’t feel that in your words yet.

    Just know you have the other words that you can use as options. When he leans forward again.

  281.  #281Starla on February 5, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    fw 276 that is some good scriptin

  282.  #282Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    I usually prefer Mel’s for situations like these.


  283.  #283sha-sha on February 5, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    Soulmates for enternity……… he makes me so happy he has such a kind heart and gentle soul. I’m 30yrs old and never in my whole life never knew what really Love was till I met him…… I came from a abusive non loving childhood never herd the word Love from mom or dad. Got ass beatings verbal mental abusive it was horrible…. I had a guy that loved me to death and would do anything for Me but I didn’t feel the same Love he felt for me…. but now for the first time in my I truely know wht it means to be INLOVE


  284.  #284Starla on February 5, 2013 at 3:11 pm

    yay sha sha


  285.  #285Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    Lol monkeys in my head 🙂

    I’ve actually felt the strong desire to tell him we should see other people today. All the talk here about not putting all my eggs in one basket, especially in his situation …. I don’t know, I feel very unsure.

  286.  #286Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    Some words of wisdom I saved

    “stop yourself from reacting defensively and trying to come up with a zinger to one-up him if you want to melt his heart. Avoid tart words and respond with honey. You catch more bees with honey”.

    “Never criticize his lack of interest in spending time with you or the family”. This is one of the criticisms that strike at the core of men because they are touching on a deep subconscious need to succeed in this area. Men navigage the world through the filter of winning or losing.

  287.  #287Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 3:17 pm

    to tell him we should see other people today

    Turq – get in your head “never tell a man what to do”. I saw Rori wrote to woman that shows she comes from masculine energy and the man might be wanting a girl.

    He knows what he wants to do in his life. The question is do you?

  288.  #288Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    Stay grounded in feeling romantic and speak from there.

  289.  #289sha-sha on February 5, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    I have to work on those mean negative voices that pop up once in a while and try to ruin my happy self and bring me down! The voice goes back to when I was a kid and told ur a loser u never will amount to anything U were a mistake. And those are just the PG-13 voices! My voices now are telling me It won’t last Ur dnt deserve a guy like Him! Ur gonna Fuxk Up eventually! Ur mother is right ur a worthless human. Sometimes its so hard to get rid of the voices. I spent many years as a younger women depressed and believing all that shit I got beaten into my head from my asshole parnets. I remember I was around 25yrs old before I snapped outta it. Thanks to My Ex boyfriend he spent are whole relationship with a broken lil girl kinda like free therpy I will be forever grateful for he made me believe in myself and help turn me into a amazing caring women who loves herself he raised my self eesteem so high that I. Broke up with him cuz I knew deep down I was not In love….were both happy to still be best friends….. sorry I’m rambling ladies I have lots on my mind today I need to vent out feels so damn good to vent everything

  290.  #290ruth on February 5, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    gosh FW, I just felt so resistant reading that as in “why should we——-”

    But it makes sense

  291.  #291Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    oiii yo yo

  292.  #292Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    But I don’t feel romantic right now FW. That’s my point, so it feels like pretending to even think that way right now.

  293.  #293Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    But I don’t feel romantic right now FW. That’s my point, so it feels like pretending to even think that way right now.

  294.  #294sha-sha on February 5, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    Thanks Starla 🙂

  295.  #295ruth on February 5, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    sha sha feels nice to read you are now free

  296.  #296Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    Ruth you are right but as they say. Are you invested in being right or happy?

    We should because we want our relationships with Mr. Right to be the best ever. Whoever Mr. Right is.

  297.  #297Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 3:25 pm

    You don’t feel that way but romance is what you want. So I believe in saying “It does not feel romantic when………………”

  298.  #298sha-sha on February 5, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    thanks ruth 🙂

  299.  #299ruth on February 5, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    I am not fussed about being right any more

    You just sounded Jewish!

  300.  #300Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    Jewish Ruth?

    Something nice for me…. Will be a hot bath and doing my nails. I left work a little early and we’ve already had dinner. So, whole evening still ahead of me. Right now, I’m watching a movie.

  301.  #301Elsie on February 5, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    Hi all – wanted to share something – and then ask a question…

    Ok – FIRST OFF – I have been leaning back and it has been working. I have been faking it until I make it – and it has worked. LOL

    Ok – so last night he came over and we talked for a long time and at one point, I said….listen. I want to say something to you. I know that our 1 year anniversary is coming up. I know that its not important to you – and thats fine. But it is important to me. I was wondering if we could do something to celebrate it – and just honor that, because it is important to me.

    I said it nicely – and kindly. Instead of the day passing next month and being upset, I addressed this head on. I appreciate that he is different, but want to see if my feelings are important to him.

    Instead of saying …. well, I’m not sure if I’ll havetime….or I dont really want to….he said….

    Sure….what would you like to do? I lit up. I seriously lit up. I said – well……nothing big – if you want to take me for a weekend to new york or Italy…well, its up to you. haha. And we both laughed, and the I said – honestly I just want to hang out with you – it doesnt have to be anything fancy or overboard (and I mean that I”m not just saying it) and so it was sooooo nice.

    Anyway – I didnt use feeling words, but the same intent was there. I just told him how I felt about the stiuation without being drama queen.

    Totally worked.

    So, here is my problem. He has a tendency to become a waffle. LOL – now when I say that there is a theory that men are like waffles and women are like pancakes. Women have everything mushed up together – our loves, desires, work, home, laundry everythng is together. Men, are like waffles. They move from compartment to compartment and dont multitask well…..

    So often I find that after we are together sometimes he moves to a separate waffle section for a while, and then he always seems to come back. Always.

    But I dont LIKE that he moves to the other waffle section. For example, today he didnt text me anything about – hey are you tired, or are you ok, or anything. I miss that, and it makes me feel like I was almost used (which I know I wasnt – this man loves me) but I’m just saying.

    So – how do I get over that feeling while he checks out for a bit and I wait for him to check back in?

    Do I mention it to him? Or not.

    Thoughts????? 🙂 Ok – go!!!!!


  302.  #302Starla on February 5, 2013 at 3:51 pm

    sha sha, i grew up hearing those things too. and then, despite waiting until I was 22 to lose my virginity, the man I lost it to turned out to be very abusive, just like my mother. He would say “your mother was right, you are worthless. you should just kill yourself already”. He bashed my head into windows and would push me towards the ledge of his 12th floor balcony whenever frustrated with me.

    wow, what a loser. anyway….

    I always thought that those cliches about the man who takes your virginity having a lot of power over you would never apply to me. I waited until I was a full grown adult, after all! I thought I was immune to it — a reward for being a very good girl. But I kept him around for 2 years, and constantly heard all that noise you describe in your head, both in my head and straight from his mouth…

    I’m 28 now and just coming out of it. I nearly committed suicide a couple of years ago because i couldn’t take the constant noise in my head about how worthless i was, and i kept picking men who only made it worse. One man, and exclusive boyfriend who had requested exclusivity and commitment, told me he was too busy playing video games and polishing his gun to come be by my side after i was attacked on the street while jogging. The voices really started up then.

    I’m so glad I came out of it. It took a lot of work and this blog was very helpful then.

    i gave all my power away to my mother because i was a child and didn’t know any better. then when i was older, i gave all my power away to the man i gave my virginity to, because he was the CEO of a popular software firm at the time (he has since sold it) and I felt like he deserved my power more than I did.

    What a mess.

    I could cry just thinking about it. I am so so so grateful that I know better now.

  303.  #303Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    Oh Starla. 🙁 I’m so sorry you went through all of that. You are amazing.

  304.  #304ruth on February 5, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    yup jewish

    Vaguely in my background and nice

    Glad ou have moved on Starla

  305.  #305Starla on February 5, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    anything can be overcome, with the right support system and resources, but more importantly, with enough commitment from yourself to yourself.

    i had to find that little morsel of self worth that still remained, and make worshiping it my new religion. devotional services included things like taking care of myself through diet and exercise, learning to use feeling messages and stand up for myself with them, etc.

    my journey continues. sometimes i feel like i’m back at square 1. but really, i am flying!

    sha sha i am soooo happy for you. and me:).

  306.  #306GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 4:10 pm


    A helpful and very simple tool I have been using is no “buts”and no “shoulds”

    Very easy to put into practice. Start writing it that way and speaking it that way (when you remember). My vocabulary is almost totally absent of buts and shoulds and I love it. I have to consciously *add* them back in when necessary, for clarity lol

    No shoulds: It is a control word. And not necessary. There is no “should” There only is what is. There is could, would, can etc.

    Some helpful replacements for “but”: Yet, however, and, and also, although, etc.

    I feel happy *yet* I feel confused.

    I understand *and also* feel irritated.

    I feel sad *although* I get it.

    I would feel good to go out *and* it would *also* feel good to stay home.


    And a gentle reminder that men have many priorities. Just like us. And as long as you are one of them, there is no reason to question his end of it.

    For you, I have a question….Do you see yourself making him
    more of a priority to you, than you are to yourself? This could be where the feelings are coming from…Or perhaps something similar.

  307.  #307GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    Simple *communication tool.

    Leavin’ out entire words over here 🙂

  308.  #308GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    Oh, and I see turq taking good care of herself 🙂

    Good stuff!

    I like being my top priority and feel so much more solid that way. The people around me feel it too. I’m certain of it. They somehow feel important too. It’s an odd thing…

  309.  #309Starla on February 5, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    glowstix that is awesome

    though, really, some of those are just synonyms for “but”. but they don’t strum the negation chords in our psyches the way the word “but” can. i’m going to try this just for fun. thanks!

  310.  #310Starla on February 5, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    i’m going to go home and give myself a salt soak followed by a sugar scrub, yum!
    love to me:)

  311.  #311sha-sha on February 5, 2013 at 4:36 pm

    @starla! I always had great men in my life that always gave me postive reinforcement but I never believed anything they said cuz the Voices overpowered them everytime! My folks beat me down for so many Years from as far back as 6or 7yrsold. I started drinking wine and ciggs by ten I was never sexually active or into sex untill about 17….I covered the pain with drugs weed alcohol then coke my worst addiction was painkillers oxycontin and herion. I been clean for over 3yrs now. That was one thing I can control and it alls felt good made me happy no one could hurt me or my mind anymore.. I went to school I was in 3rd grade I remember this like it was yesterday I was reading a story at school with teacher and other kids about a goat family and teacher asked me what I would do if I was the mother goat ..I said I would beat the goat like my daddy beats me with the stick.. teacher tells the principl about the story they talk to my Mom about it(she worked at my school in lunchroom). When I got home she told my father he beat the fuxk outta me choke me all that as he hitting me he says go ahead go to school tell them wht I do to U. There gonna take U away and adopt u out to families that lock u in the basement in dog cages I remember I was so terrfied I never spoke about it ever again.. was beat in my head that this is what is supposed to happen…… my dad was a raging Drunk man. Anyways so starla I feel Ur pain it was the hardest thing in my life to get over….. I found a amazing Man at the time who help take me away and nurse me back to health and I will be ever grateful he came into my life and gave me a gift of life and happiness…. it was hard to leave him becuz I felt so bad that he put all those years into me and Us… he was sad at first but happy to cuz he got to see me blossom from nuttin into a beauiful Women. It took me over a year to leave him cuz I felt like I owed him and I couldn’t break his heart. He was a real Man that new he had to let me go and live life and be happy alls he wanted was me happy……he will always be family and my bestfriend… I can’t believe how far I come I’m a pretty lucky women I got a great friend and a amazing Husband I. Met and if I didn’t end my first one I would of never met My soulmate.

  312.  #312sha-sha on February 5, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    My father died in 06″ so that was always something that was a happier time for me lots of relief…. my mother got remarried not even a year later to so dude she met off the internet dating.. I have not spoken to her since 07 for lots of reasons and events that took place… a lot of my bad negative voice have been coming back becuz my brother begged me to talk to her she is different person now its been over 5years… I went to her house day after thanksgiving to see my sister and her baby. It wasn’t that bad becuz lots of ppl where there and all my attention was on the baby. But recently I have seen her alone or with her husband and I have been having nightmares no sleep anexity sweating and all those damn voices telling me I told U I be bck ur worthlesss and blah blah……. I’m so scared of going back to that old place…I been fighting for so long and did so good… I called my friend to talk to him and get that good vibe going.. its so hard for me to see nuttin but the devil when I see her… she makes me feel so much panic and nervous like that lil scared child I used to be….How do I get passed this for good!!

  313.  #313Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    In my experience, men poof once things get a little hard. I’m curious to see what happens here. Taking care of me is my top priority right now. Thanks for the advice sirens, I do appreciate it. Xo

  314.  #314Linda on February 5, 2013 at 5:31 pm

    I had such an inner battle today. I felt anxious at work thinking about my issues around communication. I have appreciated the voices on here, your suggestions etc.

    I feel done with my fear about this. It had my heart racing today and I almost felt paniced! I know how it got into my life and how it got further reinforced…. but understanding it is all I going to do. NO more harboring it and give it a place control me behavor or hold words. I NEVER used to be this way. Tonight I have been wrestling with saying what I need to say the right way. Struggling with being perfect so I will get the result I want. It feels ugly to me. I just want to be free. I know if I dont force this out.. it will ruin my vibe. Stuffing no more.

    I liked what Starla said to Turquoise about her issue.
    I dont want to be blamie or tell a him what to do. I just want to express my feelings clearly and step back.

    I feel like beating my head against a wall… maybe the words will fall out.

  315.  #315GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 5:33 pm


    Sweet! It is so psychological and I find it works. It feels easier to communicate that way. I get argued with a lot less which feels good 😉

  316.  #316GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 5:48 pm

    It feels pleasant to speak this way and somehow positive, even when it feels serious.

    I said to the man just a few days ago “I spend my time here because I feel good with you and I also feel trapped sometimes.”

    We were discussing some things I was struggling with. I have been feeling a bit sad lately and just stuck in my life. So he wanted to know if I spend so much time at his house because it’s “convenient”. And that was my response. Also that it would feel good to move home.

    It flipped him from agreeing that I spend too much time here to asking me to move in here. And doing, it seems, everything possible to have me here and help me feel at home. Even though I said I wouldn’t move in here, and my reasons.

    It feels really good actually 🙂

    Then some things happened and now we may be moving into my place together? Stay tuned lol 😉

  317.  #317Linda on February 5, 2013 at 5:50 pm

    This is my favorite line here tonight so far…….be different. let him come to you. let him see you are not like the other women he’s known — women who NAG him into making them feel important (which undermines feeling important lol).

    Feisty, siren words.

    I wish I felt feisty and clever.

  318.  #318Siren Angel on February 5, 2013 at 5:53 pm


    He really does sound like a very busy dad, just like M when he is overwhelmed with his kids schedules. He is obviously trying to make light of it in hope that it will be ok with you… AND, one thing I have learned, is that the kids will always come first and that any comment to this rescheduling will make him feel like he can’t do it all, and something needs to give, AND unfortunately the thing that needs to give is never the kids or work because those are his PURPOSE.


  319.  #319Siren Angel on February 5, 2013 at 5:53 pm


    He really does sound like a very busy dad, just like M when he is overwhelmed with his kids schedules. He is obviously trying to make light of it in hope that it will be ok with you… AND, one thing I have learned, is that the kids will always come first and that any comment to this rescheduling will make him feel like he can’t do it all, and something needs to give, AND unfortunately the thing that needs to give is never the kids or work because those are his PURPOSE.


  320.  #320sha-sha on February 5, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    When I was younger I used to hate the verbal mental abuse. That hurts millions of times more then physical abusive in my eyes.. that sticks with U far longer then anything it damages every part of ur body. And a lot of people it happens to never break the cycle and pass it on for generations. I broke the cycles for years now and slowly the damn voices show back. I’m. Gonna. Make sure it doesn’t overpower me.. I’m a stronng women! This women brings back so much bad memories!! Guess only time will tell if my brother is right and the lady changed

  321.  #321Emoticon on February 5, 2013 at 6:01 pm

    Starla this sounds so difficult im sorry you had to go through it

  322.  #322Annie on February 5, 2013 at 6:04 pm


    “You’re welcome.
    :What a beautiful and wise thing our emotions are.”

    Oh yes not to be pushed down or ignored but listened to and taken care of.


  323.  #323Annie on February 5, 2013 at 6:17 pm


    What was the feeling/s that came up when he changed the plans to be with his kids and not you?

    Was it second class. As in not his first priority?
    Or something else?

    Do you feel able to go inwards block everything else out and find the feeling/s?

    When you have done this, do you then feel able to tune into a higher power that wants to take loving care of you?
    What would you say if this was a man doing this to your own little girl when she was older?

    Rori says until he is treating you as his first priority, to not treat him as yours match him where he is.

    And if you want to be treated as first priority, then treat yourself as your first priority and do something that feels good to you, put yourself first.


    If it wasn’t that, then are you able to find the feeling and follow the process and take the appropriate loving action required for that/those feeling/s.

    And ask the question, do you want to feel like that and be treated that way?
    What is it you want instead? How do you want to be treated? when you know then take action and treat yourself the way you want to be treated.
    Hugs X

  324.  #324Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 6:17 pm

    Siren Angel, there is more to it than just being a busy dad. Since he doesn’t drive, he relies on when his ex will take him. He doesn’t usually know if he will even get to see his kids until the day of, because it depends on her and her moods. So, I don’t want my plans with him to have to revolve around his ex. He’s so worried about making things worse and I understand choosing your battles, but it would be nice to see him stick up for himself and make some choices, rather than just take what he can get. It feels ridiculous to me, he’s 39, not a kid. But I have a lot of backbone and no problem saying what I want, need, etc. I’ve also been divorced a long time, so I do understand these things take time to work out. It seems to go in spurts, he sees them often, then not at all. That feels uneasy to me. I like consistency. But whatever he chooses to do and how he handles this (with them) is up to him. Not by business.

    Probably the best thing for me to do is make some fun plans and not worry about his schedule. You are all right, he can figure out how to have time with me if that’s important.

  325.  #325Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 6:22 pm

    Annie, it’s not that he chose the kids over me. I wouldn’t have wanted him to miss the game! I know how important that is to kids to have their parents there. It was the lack of concern to my feelings, to basically disregard again, two days in a row, that we were planning to see each other, with such a cavalier attitude, like oh well, too bad. I wanted him to word it differently. I wanted him to respect my time as well. I’ve had this come up for me before with other men. As if my time has less value, and canceling or changing plans is acceptable, as if it shouldn’t bother me.

    I don’t want to feel disrespected. I want a man who does what he says he will do. I want dependable.

  326.  #326Annie on February 5, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    I personally do not like wishy washy indirect words, like could do’s maybes, perhaps, try.
    They feel wooly and evasive, dither with no real commitment behind them.

    I like directive to the point clear concise omitted language, like ” I will do my my best ” instead of ” I could try my best”
    It’s the intent behind them.
    The first feels really good to hear and say and confident.
    The second feels non committal and unsure and I do not take those words to seriously or the person who says them, it is like they have no back bone behind them.

  327.  #327Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    I agree Annie. I like direct as well, and usually am. I hadn’t thought much about that before, but it’s actually so etching sweetheart told me he liked about me in the very beginning. Direct, yet kind.

  328.  #328Annie on February 5, 2013 at 6:30 pm


    “I don’t want my plans with him to have to revolve around his ex. ”

    “I don’t want to feel disrespected. I want a man who does what he says he will do. I want dependable.”

    “Probably the best thing for me to do is make some fun plans and not worry about his schedule. You are all right, he can figure out how to have time with me if that’s important.”

    Yayyy, you have all your own answers and know what you want and to do.


  329.  #329Annie on February 5, 2013 at 6:34 pm


    “It was the lack of concern to my feelings, to basically disregard again, two days in a row, that we were planning to see each other, with such a cavalier attitude, like oh well, too bad. I wanted him to word it differently. I wanted him to respect my time as well. I’ve had this come up for me before with other men. As if my time has less value, and canceling or changing plans is acceptable, as if it shouldn’t bother me.

    I don’t want to feel disrespected. I want a man who does what he says he will do. I want dependable.”

    If this has come up for you before and wasn’t previously resolved with those men.
    This is another chance to heal and see if this one is able and wants to step up and resolve this conflict with you?

    If he doesn’t like the others he ‘ain’t’ your forever man. X

  330.  #330Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    Thanks Annie. Not sure why I still feel so charged about this. But if he can feel my vibe from a distance, it’s clearly saying dont come close right now!

    I did realize something else, when I’m mad at a guy, my first instinct is to reach out to another one for distraction, maybe done punishment (to my guy)
    Chemist texted me this weekend. I just replied today. I emailed with my ex a couple times. I need to figure out this trigger.

  331.  #331Annie on February 5, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    Wishing all the sirens well and the best with their unique journeys towards feeling good, happy peaceful calm relaxed and loved and any more good feelings.

    NN X

  332.  #332Annie on February 5, 2013 at 6:40 pm

    What I get from this personally is I will not ever disregard my own feelings ever again.
    My feelings matter to me.
    I want to make myself that promise and commitment to myself.

  333.  #333Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    RE 317 Wise Wise words Siren Angel. He will look for a woman who is easier to be with if he does not want to feel pushed or like he can’t make you happy.

    It is rather sad that women tend to create stories about a man dismissing their feelings when he is choosing to do something that is important to him.

  334.  #334Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 6:44 pm

    Turquoise how many times did Mr. Conversation do something similar?

  335.  #335sha-sha on February 5, 2013 at 6:46 pm

    @starla how did u pull away from the voices wht did u do finally in ur life to make U happy and believe in U and not wht the voices say

  336.  #336Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 6:51 pm

    Turquoise I am thinking about an interview I heard with Rori and another coach. They were talking about how some women get with their men because men won’t ask for directions. I understand her suggesting that it is as if getting to the wedding or whatever is more important than the man or the relationship.

    After all that he has been saying and acting so far how does this “your time” compare? Is it really about respecting your time or is it about wanting to feel loved, touched, hugged and connected?

  337.  #337Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    Guess what I just did to take care of me???? I fixed my bathtub! I wasn’t getting enough hot water so I mimicked what I saw the plumber do when he fixed the same problem before, and guess what? Better than ever! It feels really good to get out some of that masculine energy and take care of me!

  338.  #338Annie on February 5, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    Only you and your higher self know what is best for you Turquoise and what you want.

    Not me, Not Siren Angel, not FW. non of us. Just you, this is your journey. X

    Above all else be true to thine self.

  339.  #339Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    Elsie what is your intuition telling you?

  340.  #340Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    FW, like I have said here and to him, there can’t be a wedding unless some things in his life majorly changed. I don’t want to marry him right now. This has nothing to do with any wedding timeline, and I’m not sure how you are getting that from what I’ve shared.

    All the wonderful things he has said and the healing we have helped each other do, have been truly wonderful. Yet (see glow, no but!) they do not cancel out how I felt today. Which was exactly what I said. My time has value, just like his.

    Maybe it’s easier to explain this way. If roles were reversed, I would have said….

    Sweetheart, I’m sorry I won’t be able to see you tonight after all. Something came up with the girls. I was really looking forward to seeing you and hope we can reschedule.

    I would care about his feelings. I would apologize for the change. I would not make a statement saying what I was doing, as if we hadn’t had plans at all.

  341.  #341sha-sha on February 5, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    My emotions are all over the place tonight! I’ve been reading everyones posts and thinking bck on my younger days. Thinking bout how much I’ve learned here from all of U. Strong women on here u all inspire me. In this short time since I started reading these blogs.. some journeys more painful then others and how muuch work every one does to make themselves and eachother happy……. I’ve only had one experience bad one with a man and it was teenager years for me.all my other experiences with men have been good adult endings…I have prolly been the person in all of it that was distructive and insecure. I’m happy that I got the strengtth courge and support I needed to get away and change into the person I am today! Love me

  342.  #342Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    wedding timeline – I said relationship timeline.

  343.  #343Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    I don’t believe Mr. Conversation ever cancelled on me. I saw him almost everyday. We didn’t always make plans in advance, but since I saw him so often, wasn’t as big of a deal.

  344.  #344Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    Turquoise I am thinking about an interview I heard with Rori and another coach. They were talking about how some women get with their men because men won’t ask for directions. I understand her suggesting that it is as if getting to the wedding or whatever is more important than the man or the relationship.

    Ok, you said wedding or whatever is more important…..

    Which, I disagree with. It’s not always going to be peaches and cream. I won’t walk on eggshells and pre think and calculate every word that comes out of my mouth, that’s crazy.

    If he wants to find someone easier to please, I wish him the best. I have been very understanding and easy to please all along. There is nothing wrong with wanting someone to be respectful. In fact, if everything was always just ok, no matter what they do or say… That sounds like a potentially dangerous situation.

    I didn’t tell him not to go. I didn’t tell at him, I haven’t contacted him the rest of the day. If I can’t express myself honestly, good or bad, then I’d much rather be single.

  345.  #345Memulo on February 5, 2013 at 7:27 pm

    So is Starla alright?

  346.  #346Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 7:30 pm

    Turquoise I was not clear enough.

  347.  #347Memulo on February 5, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    Wow, how’s Siren Angel doing?

  348.  #348sha-sha on February 5, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    Yes starla said she went to take herself a nice bath 🙂

  349.  #349Memulo on February 5, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    Thanks sha-sha;)

  350.  #350Memulo on February 5, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    Sirens, are we expected to give presents for Valentine’s day?

  351.  #351Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    Ok, you said wedding or whatever is more important…..

    The reference to wedding was in relation to the topic in the interview. It was an example of a situation like when a couple is going to a wedding/graduation (some kind of function) and the man is driving. Maybe he made a wrong turn or is going in a direction that might be the long way or not correct in some way. I understand her saying that as women we innocuously say things that undermine the man’s self esteem. Things that the man experience as disrespectful. As if getting to the event is more important than the relationship. Some of us call them names because they don’t want to ask for directions.

    In other words it as if we see the partner as the enemy at that point in time. We don’t talk about how anxious we feel about getting to a place on time, we talk about how stupid he was for taking the wrong turn.

  352.  #352Annie on February 5, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    Only you know how you felt.
    Your feelings in that moment.

    It’s his job to do what he does..
    And let him do what he wants, which he will anyway.
    Our job to express how we feel in the moment.
    And find out if we are compatible and we feel happy with what is being offered.
    Look after our own hearts and not get invested in any one man cd treating them all the same until the best man for us who wants us and we want is offering us everything we want in a relationship that is workable for us.

    Cding helps to get us to that place.

  353.  #353Memulo on February 5, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    I feel like I am living someone else’s life;) I didn’t get what I really wanted and now am making the best out of what’s left. But, to give myself some credit, I am trying to change this.

  354.  #354Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 7:38 pm

    Memulo have you thought about discussing that with him? Why would you want to “suppose” yourself into giving a gift?

  355.  #355sha-sha on February 5, 2013 at 7:38 pm

    I’m feeling so bad for my lil puppy right now I only had her a lil over a month and she been sick with bad parasites poor girl this is her third dose of meds and if it dnt work she gotta stay over at the vets to get meds through a Iv. A lot of places selling sick animals makes so so mad!

  356.  #356Annie on February 5, 2013 at 7:40 pm


    Often we want love so much that we will put up with things that don’t feel right. We tolerate behavior we don’t like, we settle for less than we want, and we pretend everything is fine. In essence, we violate our inner boundaries that tell us what is and isn’t okay. But doing this prevents a man from giving us the very love we want! Why? Because a man will sense that you aren’t being true to yourself in order to “win” his love, and it will push him away. Trusting your boundaries means honoring what you do not want. When you do this, the men who aren’t right for you will step aside…making room for a man who will value you and put your feelings first.


    How many times have you gone along with something a man wanted just because you didn’t want to appear “high maintenance” or because you were afraid to rock the boat? The truth is that when you cut yourself off from your feelings, you actually cut off your connection to a man’s heart. You prevent him from knowing what really matters to you, and you rob both of you the chance to reach a deeper level of understanding together. You have to stop ignoring what your feelings are telling you, and share them in a way that he can really hear. Which leads me to….


    How you express your feelings is critical to bringing him close. When you do it in the wrong way, he feels criticized and pulls away. The trick is to make sure that what you share isn’t about him or his actions, but instead what you feel and want. Instead of saying, “I can’t believe you didn’t call,” try, “I feel sad when we don’t talk.” Because you didn’t place blame on him, he’ll be able to hear your needs and feel compelled to make you happy.


    Are you constantly analyzing what a man does or doesn’t do, or spending time worrying about where the relationship is going? Being surprised means giving up control. Instead of using your energy to predict and determine the outcome of every moment of your relationship, let it go and enjoy the moment for what it is. A man can sense how a woman is feeling with him. If you are in your head worrying about the future, he feels your anxiety and discomfort. By allowing yourself to be surprised and present with him, a man is able to connect to you in the moment and will want to open up and get closer.

    Try practicing the mantra steps one by one – that might mean focusing on one step for a whole week before adding the next. No matter what your love life looks like right now, these four steps will help you transform it dramatically. They help you make powerful changes inside you that will improve both the quality of men you attract and the kind of relationship you create with that one special man.

  357.  #357Memulo on February 5, 2013 at 7:40 pm

    FW, no, remember I am the commitmentphobic one in this relationship. I don’t discuss;)

  358.  #358Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 7:42 pm

    Continuing 348. Turquoise that came to mind when I saw your reference about him respecting your time.

    He said he felt anxious to see you the past two nights. My question is how much of your schedule did you change around to accommodate him? Do you believe that you sacrificed yourself in anyway?

  359.  #359Memulo on February 5, 2013 at 7:42 pm

    Annie, it’s a very good advice, I admit it and yet it worked against me big time. Screaming and throwing heavy objects would have been the right thing to do. every situation is different:)

  360.  #360Memulo on February 5, 2013 at 7:44 pm

    I believe that if Turquoise feels mad or like something is not right it is probably not right. Better to fix it.

  361.  #361Annie on February 5, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    353 Was is Roris Mantras

  362.  #362Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    This is the point

    How many times have you gone along with something a man wanted just because you didn’t want to appear “high maintenance” or because you were afraid to rock the boat? The truth is that when you cut yourself off from your feelings, you actually cut off your connection to a man’s heart. You prevent him from knowing what really matters to you, and you rob both of you the chance to reach a deeper level of understanding together. You have to stop ignoring what your feelings are telling you, and share them in a way that he can really hear. Which leads me to….

    He wanted to see me. Did I have to agree to change my plans to give him time? Do I believe it would have rocked the boat if I had said “I would be available Sunday or Tuesday” instead?

    Relationship debt – CCarter terms
    Sacrifice – I gave up what I wanted to do because he wanted to see me.

    I have seen Rori write that a man does what he wants to do. He also assumes that you are doing what you want to do.

  363.  #363Annie on February 5, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    353 is Roris Mantras

  364.  #364Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 7:50 pm

    So Memulo – discussing would be changing your pattern. It would be trying on a new voice.

  365.  #365Memulo on February 5, 2013 at 7:55 pm

    #359: I went on with my plans when he didn’t ask me in advance, I was nice and happy and cheerful on the phone when he called me last minute to ask me out, but politely said that I made plans already. He wasn’t happy.. so he went out with another woman!

  366.  #366Memulo on February 5, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    Thank you FW, I don’t want to change my pattern. I don’t know what i want.

  367.  #367GlowStix on February 5, 2013 at 7:59 pm


    I feel weird here.

  368.  #368Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 7:59 pm

    Turquoise I know I might not be your favorite person right now yet the point is everyone can read the story and see it differently. Which is a reason why relationships are so challenging at times. Both of you will see this situation through different eyes. As such both of you are right. In Rori Raye 3rd way style, the best outcome would be finding another way that would work for both of you. To find that way we have to put down the sheilds and whatever we use to build our defenses. Sometimes it means “stopping dead in the water” doing nothing, leaning back. Then when he contacts you again you talk in a way that he can hear. Are some men clueless? Can we build and move forward by holding men at all times at a standard that allows no mistakes/errors on their parts?

    Is there anything he can do to “get” your time back? For me asking myself some deep, tough questions is the best route to take.

  369.  #369Annie on February 5, 2013 at 8:01 pm


    Something I missed was the words ‘tentative plans’
    What would you want in the future?
    How far in advance do you want the plans to be confirmed?
    What are your boundaries around this?
    What would work best for you and feel good to you?

  370.  #370Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    “I don’t know what i want.”

    This a great place to start. Asking yourself and writing.

  371.  #371Emoticon on February 5, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    hi Memulo….
    I havent been reading everything (lol just woke up from a nap and feels so tedious to catch up on EVERYTHING) but…..
    I feel commitment phobic like you. My no-boyfriend speeches suck, because i am a little mean about it and make it sound like i never wanna be their gf….. and i think its because maybe i never really wanna be their gf lol….. idk whats up with that…. i wanna have a relationship but i push people away when they get close to me and when they bring up the relationship and where we are headed i feel so awkward

  372.  #372Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 8:06 pm

    FW, he was persistent about wanting to see me and honestly, it is a bit of a hassle because I have to go get him. So, that changes what time I get home from work, what I plan for dinner, and how my evening will go, because I also have to take him home. Since I was just away and also don’t feel well, I would have been perfectly fine not seeing him tonight. But he acted like we didn’t even have plans, both times just informing me what he was doing. The weekend before last, we had plans to definitely see each other that Saturday. It was supposed up be early afternoon, then it got pushed back because if a problem, and he’d get back to me, a few hours went by, he texted me to let me know they were going to eat, he’d text me when he got back. Finally by 7, I asked if I should just forget about seeing him that night. He replied that his ex was still at his moms. So, I guess since his kids were there, he couldn’t say he had plans. About an hour and a half later, he texted me to say she’d read our texts, huge fight, on and on. I stayed out of it, saw him briefly the next day. I didn’t see him during the week, and by the end if the week we had a nice talk and I shared that we didn’t feel like us, it was distant. He said it had been a really hard week, he was sorry, was his fault and he’d make it up to me. That was where the insistance to see me Monday or Tues. came in. So yes, I actually feel disrespected, that my time is somehow less valuable, and that he didn’t follow through on what he said. I know he cares about me, but it doesn’t matter how many wonderful things he says if his actions don’t match up.

    I know it’s hard because he doesn’t drive, and he is limited on how much he sees his kids. But to say that he will never pass up an opportunity to see them, doesn’t make me feel confident that he will change his actions.

  373.  #373Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    Tentative just due to weather. If roads were ok. Which they were.

  374.  #374Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 8:11 pm

    ((((((((((((((((Turquoise)))))))))))))) I know.

    Can you read back 369 and see if “overfunctioning” jumps out at you? I am thinking maybe resentment is building and the time disrespect might be a side effect? I dunno.

  375.  #375Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    I also see “losing yourself in the relationship” in 369.

  376.  #376Annie on February 5, 2013 at 8:16 pm


    It is about trusting and honoring and caring about your feelings and what you want.

    But having a different vibe and not caring about if he gives you what you want. A whatever do what you like as he will anyway and the right man for you will want to give you what you want and the wrong man will not and will weed himself out.

  377.  #377Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 8:16 pm

    also don’t feel well, –

    This reminds me of an email Rori wrote about how she decided to rest and take care of herself when she wasn’t feel well and how seeing her lying in the bed taking care of herself seemed to make her husband love her more. It seemed it make her look soft and approachable as opposed to her taking care of the household when she wasn’t well.

    Do you remember that email?

  378.  #378Femininewoman on February 5, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    Just got this from James Bauer

    Be a little unpredictable and shake things up when it comes to:

    your availability. While you never want to disappear, and you should be consistently responsive to his efforts to communicate with you, it doesn’t hurt if you create a slight feeling of scarcity at times. You want him to value the time he gets to spend with you. “Oh, I wish I could, Tom. I love spending time with you, but I wonder if we could hold off till this Friday, after I’ve submitted this report for work.” Then spend practically the whole weekend with him the next week.

  379.  #379Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 8:27 pm

    I didn’t feel resentful until the last week and a half. I don’t really have a choice about the over functioning with driving if I’m going to date him now. He does have a dr. ammpointment this week or next, he has a few… Not sure which is which, but to get cleared to drive. But lack of finances may put that off for awhile anyways. It depends on how a few things work out.

    I don’t feel list in the relationship. His life feels a little overwhelming sometimes, but I do enjoy him when we are together, and we’ve never even had a fight, until today. I don’t expect him to be perfect, I never said I was breaking up with him over this. And I hope there is an option where we can talk hhis through and both be happy about it. But if the option is this or not be together, we probably won’t be together, or at least not at this same level. If I were lost in the relationship I wouldn’t have gone away for the weekend with my ex husband and my kids.

    Part of my frustration could be because of seeing C this weekend. I wish I could smush them together and take all the best qualities of both. C is healthy, strong, masculine, takes charge, fixes things, drives, pays, super attentive to the girls, yet intense, brings up the past, likes to argue… SH is sweet and funny and affectionate. Easy going and fun to be around. Very comfortable, but not that strong masculine figure. Because he’s getting stronger and healthier, wants to go back to work, I believe there is long term potential. But maybe not, and I have to figure out if I can be ok with that.

  380.  #380Turquoise on February 5, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    I’m going to sleep sirens. It will probably look better in the morning. Thanks for the help. Good night!

  381.  #381Miraculously Loved on February 5, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    Ohhh just had a not good feeling. I called my Dad, my Stepmom today. I am doing a “family of origin” project for a class and really had some questions for my Dad but he is so powerless, he hands the phone to her when I say I am getting married and she basically says if my mom is going then she will not be. Really? She said “Thank you for inviting us but we will have to pass.” Really? I have not seen my father in 12years. I live 900 miles from them but they frequently go back to where we used to live which is on direct rout to where I live now. They don’t stop to see me or my kids. My Dad has never seen my boy..loss, loss, loss…feeling abandoned right now. Because of her words I could not stay on the phone with her and I just said enough..”yay me for taking care of me.” However this is the same woman that sat across from me when I was talking about the sexual abuse that her son had done to me; I was 11 and her words to me were “Do you know what they do to people who hurt children in prison, is that what you want to happen to him?” I lied and told her that it wasn’t true and I made it all up so that he would not be hurt. He was protected so that he could continue on for another 3 years. Ok, so this is not that situation but just the same way, my Dad looks on and doesn’t say a word, just lets her say and do whatever she wants.
    However, worst of all, tonight she was talking about having pneumonia and almost dying and I felt nothing. And I am going to say this here so please don’t judge me..I need to get this out and review and hopefully shift this…I hate her; I have never hated anyone in my life like I hate her and I would wish she would die except I know how much grief it would bring my father. I miss him and I want to share my good news, my life and my love for him with the few years he has left and because my mother will be there she won’t let my father come?? I want to see my Dad…I want him to walk me down the aisle…
    Sometimes I want to press charges and have that bastard put in prison but no one knows because I don’t want to hurt my father; I have protected my Dad my whole life and that bastard hurt other children. I feel alone and sad and hurt…I feel like a little girl who just wants her daddy…my heart is screaming “its not fair” and the loving part of me says to my broken heart “Its not fair little one” and then my soul is quiet and I cry. My words to my step mother were “I’ll send you an invitation anyway because I want you there and it would feel beautiful to have you come to my castle wedding. I know you will change your mind because you love me and my Dad loves me.” With the genogram report due Thursday and a 5 page paper due, I know this is being brought to me now because I can’t help others heal if I cannot heal myself….cannot heal myself…cannot heal myself…breath…breath..breath calm now..Crying! Hurt! Anger! Shifting..soothing myself…”it will be okay and they will change their minds and even if they don’t sweetheart there are so many other important people that will be happy to walk you down the aisle…it’s okay to cry; its okay to feel pain; its okay to be vulnerable…you are safe; no one wants to hurt you…you don’t ever have to speak to her again if you don’t want to…you don’t have to know what to do right now….just feel saaaddd, it’s ok to feel sad, you did it right and lovingly…you said what you felt and didn’t hurt anyone…you are miraculously loving and this will pass but don’t let it destroy the happiness of your wedding…Peace, peace peace…shift shift shift….calm” ((Hugggs)) me…

  382.  #382Starbright on February 5, 2013 at 10:04 pm

    (((((Miraculously Loved)))))

    Aw, can’t think of anything to say here except that I read your post and my heart goes out to you!

    And, it’s not at all surprising their is some real hurt and anger there! Also, seems that you said things thoughtfully to her and are doing some good self soothing.

    Keep taking care of you!!!

  383.  #383Emoticon on February 5, 2013 at 10:06 pm

    (((((((((Miraculously Loved))))))))))))))

  384.  #384Smile on February 5, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    Woke up feeling anger towards strummingman
    I know he’s back with his ex
    I feel a fool
    (((( i love my huge fear that a man who has an ex will meet me and then realise they still love them)))
    What hurts more is the fact that I know how ‘I’ll’ he use to talk about her. His family will have rejected him if they got back together so he must really love her.
    I feel a bit messed up from this 🙁

  385.  #385Smile on February 5, 2013 at 10:42 pm

    I think I need my sexual health checking out now I know he’s back with her. Yuck. I’m 90% certain he was seeing her whilst we were together, I brushed off my gut feelings as negative vibes at the time, wanting to choose trust. Dominique is right, the truth always comes out.

  386.  #386Smile on February 5, 2013 at 10:44 pm

    Wow I should have paid more attention to his behaviour.

    Lesson learnt

    Huge lesson learnt!!

  387.  #387Smile on February 5, 2013 at 10:55 pm

    I feel fooled, he told me he loved me, we talked about being together forever and marriage, his actions were there then suddenly boomf, overnight a tragedy happened and everything was gone. It was never again the same.

    I’m so glad I feel out of the painful torturous loop I was in when I came to the blog. Hoping to get back together, to do the right thing so he would come back.

    I feel free from the drama of the past.
    Yey, moving on 🙂

  388.  #388Smile on February 5, 2013 at 10:57 pm

    Some men say they want to be with you forever too early ((my judgement)) I feel weary of an instant relationship now.
    Relationships take time. For me it takes time to truly know if I want to spend forever with someone.

  389.  #389Smile on February 5, 2013 at 11:03 pm

    Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhrrrrrgh Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhrrrrrgh Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhrrrrrgh Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhrrrrrgh
    Sorry needed to let that out 🙁

  390.  #390Heart on February 5, 2013 at 11:43 pm

    hi sirens – I remember someone on here saying that Rori advised not staying over at a guy’s place (not talking about se-x just sleeping over) if your not in a relationship. Anyone have that article/info?

  391.  #391ruth on February 5, 2013 at 11:52 pm


    Turquoise, I totally understand about feeling disrespected
    I sometimes think time is one of our most precious commodities

    Hope all Sirens are resting peacfully and will awake refreshed

  392.  #392Heart on February 5, 2013 at 11:52 pm

    (((( Smile))))

    all need is a little bit of time.

  393.  #393ruth on February 5, 2013 at 11:57 pm

    eek, where did you lot all come from?

  394.  #394Smile on February 6, 2013 at 12:17 am

    Thank you strummingman for this lesson. I love my immense growth and healing on my journey.

  395.  #395Heart on February 6, 2013 at 1:24 am

    I’m bored…Come on blog!

  396.  #396Annie on February 6, 2013 at 2:13 am

    Miraculously loved.

    Did you say you had counseling for your abuse?

  397.  #397Annie on February 6, 2013 at 2:18 am


    This is a very in depth book on the subject by leading expert in this field.

  398.  #398Annie on February 6, 2013 at 2:38 am

    Rori said in last thread.

    “You still have feelings trapped in this experience that need some help getting resolved.

    Please go find someone professional to talk to.

    And – that experience never, ever goes away out of your awareness.

    It’s how you integrate the experience into your life, the energy you give to it and don’t give to it, and the compassion you show yourself that counts.

    Same as with everything else that happens in our lives.

    It’s the perspective, and the work to accept and integrate and love the feelings that accompany every moment of our lives that make the difference.

    Love, Rori”

    There are so many ‘professionals’ out there though.
    Who do you think is the best sort of professional to help facilitate and support in releasing these trapped feelings?

  399.  #399CurvySiren10 on February 6, 2013 at 3:38 am

    Smile, you sound very healthy processing this. It’s wonderful. I have been in your shoes (sort of) and I know how hard it is dealing with the “feeling a fool” part. That was really tough for me because I essentially ignored the strong instincts I had about the situation choosing (like you) to “trust” instead. A very slippery slope, but also like you- I chose to look at it as an opportunity to heal and learn. One of the greatest lessons for me was to trust my gut feelings first and foremost. They rarely (never?) fail me…

  400.  #400Turquoise on February 6, 2013 at 3:54 am

    Miraculously Loved, I’m so sorry to read your post about your dad and stepmom. My parents divorced when I was a kid and both remarried. It took a few years until they could be around each other, but learned to make it work, mostly I’m sure for us kids. My Ex’s parents are the same way. So, we may not have had much of an example of how to be married, but we did have a decent one on how to be divorced, which is sad to me.

  401.  #401Turquoise on February 6, 2013 at 3:58 am

    Smile, I feel for you too. My friend had that, she dates a man and then he goes back to his ex. It’s an awful feeling. Mine seems to be I dare a guy and he marries the next girl he dates. Sometimes I feel like I help everyone heal, but what about me? When do I get my guy?

  402.  #402CurvySiren10 on February 6, 2013 at 4:05 am

    Miraculously Loved, your post was so painful to read. I can’t imagine ever being that way with my children. (I am divorced) I just can’t imagine it. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through…{{hugs}}

  403.  #403CurvySiren10 on February 6, 2013 at 4:06 am

    Turquoise, you will get there. You have so much to offer and know what you want. Not sure if SH will end up being “it”, but you are learning and growing with each experience. I hope today is better for you.

  404.  #404Turquoise on February 6, 2013 at 4:07 am

    Heart, I remember that article. She does advise against it because they can get what they need from us, just from cuddling. Which could also lead to a friends with benefits type arrangement. But that also we can give all this intimacy and how much they like that, even without giving us the relationship.

    One time I was over at Mr. Conversations and we’d been drinking and fell asleep on the couch. I woke up an hour or so later, and we were cuddled up together with his arm around me. I went home, but the next day he commented to me about how good that felt. We had slept together before, but at that point were just friends. It went back and forth for another month or so. Then we had a fight and stopped talking. It hurt, a lot more probably, because we’d been close that way, even though I knew all along that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Or at least not one with me.

  405.  #405Vi on February 6, 2013 at 4:14 am

    Sharing my fears feels easier and more natural = I feel less guilty and more okay to have them! I feel more approbing of myself! It feels so good! I feel so proud of myself, and I’ve never felt that relaxed in my shoulders! I love me.

  406.  #406Tam on February 6, 2013 at 4:22 am


  407.  #407Sirenity on February 6, 2013 at 4:25 am


    I feel bad for you. I feel the “potential “may be also an issue with SH. Sadly he could be a long time away from reaching his potential and all you have is the guy in front of you. Is that enough for you ?Do you feel comfortable about the current energy balance?

    I remember how you pined for C not so long ago and sought connection. C sounds like a very magnetic alpha man. In many ways a tough act to follow. Yet you have invested a lot of good feelings and energy into this new good man, who is also very different and currently in feminine energy mode and distracted by family stressors.

    I agree with FW about over functioning . If you need to do all the driving and wait on his ex’es pleasure at that it must feel very frustrating. It seems like you arent feeling taken care of. I think his marital status and unfinished separation are a big part of this. i suspect his physical status is also very important.
    I also do not understand what his ex has got to do with his relationship with you if they are truly separated and ready to divorce asap.So what id if she read your texting? It is normal to text with your lover. Why is she accessing his phone and more importantly, why does he care what she thinks? I am not hearing mutual letting go here.

    I agree with Siren Angel and i remember telling her the same thing she is saying here to you (I guess its a circulating wisdom and no doubt someone said it to me years ago). In a nutshell his kids will always come first . Right now with stress ,anger , marital separation etc , this is even more the case. To deal you in to his life requires a lot of juggling and he is a man! As i say they dont plan ahead well and are far more “spontaneous’ overall than we are.

    So I also loved the comment about changing POLARITY here(sorry i cant find it now). All this thinking and energy needs to now rest lightly on the object of your adoration..YOU. HIS energy will soon come rushing at you again. You just need to decide how much of it you actually want and in what time frame. I know he adores you . If he is the man you want you can have him. Maybe not right now .

    If you lean back and allow HIM to get to YOU you will feel better (He got to meet you ok by himself didnt he?) Let him fix the access issues. Just stay open.

    If you stay open and use FMs’ ” I feel sick and grumpy and a little alone tonight. I also feel disappointed not to see you . I want you to miss me!”

    ” I feel sorry but I feel tired and stressed and I am struggling to drive and get you and take you back . What can we do?”

    ” My happiness feels like it took a nose dive when I knew I couldnt see you tonight. It just feels bad. I dont want to snap at you and i want us to have regular date nights planned in advance around our family commitments. What do you think?”

    Overall , there is still hope as long as you dont take on his burdens at this stage. Remain light , bright, warm and glowing like the honey pot you are!!! Who could resist you?

    And CD.

    Prepare to be surprised.

  408.  #408CurvySiren10 on February 6, 2013 at 4:28 am

    Sirenity, 404~ that is one hellaciously good post! 🙂 You are very wise.

  409.  #409Miraculously Loved on February 6, 2013 at 4:37 am

    Annie, #395 yes I have had years of counseling but there are a few things to remember (1) that its ok for me to have these feelings because they will never go away. Feelings are a part of our lives and all we can do is “deal with and shift post traumatic feelings”. Another thing to consider is I haven’t spoken to my stepmother in 7 or 8 years and for good reason; because she is hurtful to everyone. For example her sister who is now 50ish called and told her she was going back to school and she told her sister “Oh, well that’s good because you couldn’t make it through high school and had to quit you GED; I don’t know what makes you think you’re going to be able to do it now?”
    Thirdly that I forgive myself, feel the feeling, shift it and move forward without it taking over my life. The feeling was strong and overwhelming and I was strong enough to have it and work through t so it doesn’t affect my day. This is what counseling and Rori have taught me. I don’t have to react TO her the same way but I can feel and process the reaction I DO have to her without denying it…the same way I do with any man I may be around…sometimes its not him but something left over and as FW pointed out a few posts ago I have to decide whether to handle it, address it or sooth it on my own. For this one I chose not to go to my fiancé because I sometimes use men to make me feel better when I feel abandoned. So, it was important for me to walk me trough my own feelings. It certainly doesn’t mean also that I cannot be effective with others because it all has to be appropriately placed. I grew up in my adolescent years with her and this is the formative place of learning to be in relationships and I never learned that from my family. I am now in a remarkable relationship and although I was triggered by her, it didn’t ripple out into my own life. If I have a client with me that gives me this feeling, I would deal with it in much the same way and then offer a referral. I don’t react to people out of my past any longer but I still have feelings tied to it, particularly when the past comes crashing back into my life. I will work on resolving these feelings but this is a toxic person whose affect on my life was ginormous…
    I thank you for your concern but I have learned to live with and love and sooth these very difficult feelings and I am going through just another growth process and this time I need to do it without my counselor because I have the tools and strength to walk myself through it….I feel appreciative of the hugs and great thoughts and I am sure I will encounter more feelings.
    Somehow I think this particular process has to do with me as a parent and how I parent and I am proud that I am not that parent…she is a cruel and inconsiderate person…now I have to decide if I even want her there because I know she will hurt people and create harm? I think it would feel mature and honest if I don’t invite them and just let someone else walk me down the aisle…I am not a little girl anymore and I don’t need my Daddy; he may need me one day and if he does I will be right there….
    peace and love today

  410.  #410Heart on February 6, 2013 at 4:39 am

    Thanks Turquoise!!

  411.  #411Tam on February 6, 2013 at 4:45 am

    Well, it’s been 3 days since I met Mr Antonio Banderas and he never called me after going into great details of what we want to do on our first date.
    Chubby Austrian has been contacting me, more accurate would be ‘annoying me’…talling me he will call and then doesn’t, getting upset because I don’t answer a message ‘right away’ and inviting me for a party at 10:30pm, when he knows I am an early person due to my job and my eyes close around that time. Told him time and time again, he even saw it happening. So, go away.
    I feel a little frustrated but see this as an opportunity to concentrare on other areas of my life.

    I also feel full of energy.

    I dreamt about MrP. He told me in the dream that he now has a gf…urgh.

  412.  #412Turquoise on February 6, 2013 at 4:59 am

    Oh Sirenity, I know. Isn’t it interesting how we know all that, inside, but it doesn’t always matter? Things were going exceptionally well, in the fact that we were getting along so well, having fun together, things were clicking and sparking in all the right places. It felt great, yet none of the other stuff was forgotten. I do realize he has a long way to go and so does he. We are very open and honest with each other. He felt very committed to us working out long term, so I was trusting he’d get it all figured out. Maybe he will, or won’t. We shall see. I honestly have no problem with him seeing his kids or them coming first, I really don’t. As a single mom…. I do get that. It was his attitude around it that put me off. Maybe hard to explain here.
    The thing with her reading the texts, weather she wants him back or not, was probably still painful to read. She sent them to herself and then read them to him in an argument. He said he didn’t have anything to hide, but felt violated. In one breath she says she’s ready to move on, and in the next rehashes all their old problems and blames him. Its emotional for him too.

    I don’t know what will happen, and I’m ok with that. I’m grateful though, to have moved on from C and opened my heart both to Mr. Conversation and to Sweetheart this past year. They both have helped me do that. While there are many things I do love and admire about C, and in that department he is a tough act to follow…. There were also serious problems that I can’t ignore. So, finding the balance of what I want and need from a relationship, is probably my journey. C gave me structure and stability, I felt very protected, Mr. Conversation was awesome companionship, sexy and exciting. Sweetheart makes me feel adored most if the time and it’s comfortable to be together. In the long run, growing old with someone, I’d want what C could offer. (Or someone like him)

  413.  #413Turquoise on February 6, 2013 at 5:00 am

    Feeling wise that is 🙂

  414.  #414Turquoise on February 6, 2013 at 5:10 am

    One good thing is that Sweetheart sees a therapist about once a month and is going tonight. He will have someone to talk to about us if he wants.

  415.  #415Lizka on February 6, 2013 at 5:34 am

    Hello sirens,

    I decided thaI need to find more time to come write here .

    I know all the RR stuff by heart, but I need a daily touch if it to keep going and not forget it. I know how it works, but in my new relationship, I feel that I am sometimes letting myself go slide to old patterns.

    And I feel terrified. And because I feel terrified, I begin to feel afraid to loose him. My NVs are like “he will find out that you are an usurper, that you are not a real siren.”

    I feel like I am still controlling too much and overfunction knf most of the time.

    But he is so sweet with me so far and he really did nothing wrong.

    He is ready to comitt and he tells me every day. But I still feel like I want to go faster and I should let him row the boat, I know…

    So I am making a promise to my self: to come here at least once a day, read your stories, be inspired, learn more, share my thoughts and feelings and read your advice.

    Once a day even if my schedule feels crazy. After all I wrote this message while waiting at the coffee shop.

    Hmmm just writing this helped me feel calmer. It feels so peaceful here… 🙂

    Happy to be back!!

  416.  #416Miraculously Loved on February 6, 2013 at 5:42 am

    I feel happy that you’re back…

  417.  #417Dominique on February 6, 2013 at 5:45 am

    Glowstix – 305 – additions to the avoid use list of words – always and never

    one of the first lessons I teach is to omit all of those words – should, but (except for emphasis in certain situations), always, and never.

    eg. You should never use the word always, but you always should avoid never.


  418.  #418Olivia on February 6, 2013 at 5:48 am

    @Elsie: yay! And I LOVE LOVE LOVE your pancakes and waffles analogy!

    I see the waffle aspect in my man, too…and it makes me angry sometimes too. I feel like this ball of need at those times since I know that that it is a healthy man who is like this…it’s normal for them to be waffles. I know this issue may become more of a problem for me if we move in together since I will be being potentially feeling ignored in my own house. When he goes into this mode he sort of avoids making eye contact with me. Grrr!!

    I think the baby steps aspect of this has been a comfort to me..we can’t figure everything out instantly. It sounds like you are making awesome progress with using FM’s so maybe re-assess in another month or two what you think about whether his waffling is simply healthy, or its too much for you to put up with and you need a more pancakey man. That sounds so silly. Heh heh.

  419.  #419Dominique on February 6, 2013 at 5:55 am

    Memulo – 347 – In a word – no. Yet if you really, really, feel inspired, want to with NO agenda behind it, no expectations – if you are absolutely sure that if you do this and then possibly don’t get anything back, that you won’t feel disappointed, then go ahead.


  420.  #420Femininewoman on February 6, 2013 at 6:19 am

    Lizka!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂

  421.  #421Femininewoman on February 6, 2013 at 6:30 am

    Turquoise that is one heluva comment from Sirenity.

    I was thinking about your situation this morning and some of the comments/advice around it and was reminded of a constant male presence I have in my life. He always says whenever a disagreement arises, stop. Think about who the other person is and decide if this is a friend or foe. Let that guide your actions and interactions with the person. When it comes to relationships as Rori says it is always moving. We get to decide if we are building or destroying. If our mindset is to build something solid with as much love flowing through it as possible something changes in our mindset. Even if it as an ex, we step back and create what we need to if we believe we have to remain civil and friendly for our kids.

  422.  #422Femininewoman on February 6, 2013 at 6:36 am

    because I sometimes use men to make me feel better when I feel abandoned – This comment reminds me of the Book, Eat Pray Love. We kinda use people to scratch our itch.

  423.  #423Annie on February 6, 2013 at 6:41 am

    378: Miraculously Loved .

    Who was there for you when this happened?
    Were you not able to tell your real mum?

    I feel curious about what Rori would advise here
    as you are putting your Dads feelings and protecting the Man who did this to you above your own.

    My step father molested me as a child. I have since had help through therapy to learn that as little children with childrens brains who are in a helpless situation that we often are unable to tell. This is to do with our parents being emotionally unavailable for us and not safe to tell.
    It doesn’t sound like your therapist has helped you with this.

    My therapist recommended the book which I posted a link to help me understand more how this effects us when it happens to us as children.


  424.  #424Turquoise on February 6, 2013 at 6:47 am

    That’s an interesting way to think about it FW. I like that. Friend or for, building or destroying. Interesting.

    So, should I apologize for being snippy?

  425.  #425Miraculously Loved on February 6, 2013 at 7:22 am

    Annie, First let me say thank you for sharing that with me (us) and (((Annie))). Betrayal is not easy.
    No one was there for me, as a matter of fact because I denied it after I confessed it my family made fun of me and isolated me. My therapist has left it up to me to decide whether to “tell” or not and it really is my choice. I just know that I can’t go back to my family of origin. I know I no longer need to protect him but do so out of love and respect for my father..although I am reconsidering this, I want my motives to be pure and my heart to be right. I am not burdened with it today. I am not a victim today.
    I love that and I would love the link (I did not see it).
    I have done extensive research into brain development and it is a process that blocks emotional maturation however, these links can be regained through techniques such as Rori’s. I will have to decide what level of contact, if any I will have with that side of my family. It’s really a long story and I am having to tell it with my genogram; this is somehow bringing it up and I am sure over the next few months I will be processing more. My therapist has helped me through these emotions a lot however for me there just came a time when I had to chose to not allow the victimization that happened to me to pour over into my life and with Rori’s tools to change and shift them. Its not that he didn’t help me; its that I need to help myself and forgive myself when the feelings come up. there are many situations that can’t be confronted directly with the people that harmed someone; either because that person died or whatever, or sometimes it is just too harmful for the person who experienced it to put their energy in that direction. (this is my case; I don’t want my energy going in that direction)
    I forgive myself and I forgive them; right now that is a choice! I feel forgiving and thankful and open and not closed down. There is an assumption here, and I am feeling a little pushed that my feelings weren’t ok and that there is cause for concern? Annie, is it ok if I still feel hurt by her hurting words or that they cause a post traumatic response? Is it ok for you to let me do that without wanting to rescue my feelings? I am feeling very appreciative of your rescuing and I feel safe here to explore my ugly feelings as well as my positive feelings…is it okay that I still have them? I feel like its very natural for someone to want to take them away from me but I needed to experience them…the only way I can be free is to shift them, not to not feel them…I don’t want to block them…some feelings and people are like a punch in the gut; its like many toxic men I know (reactive attachment) the only way they know love or human relationships is by getting a reaction. I won’t let her have that power over me…at least not now (yesterday, for a minute, it was ok).
    I feel it was right for my counselor to allow me to make the ultimate decision about whether I tell about the sexual abuse. The only reason I would do it now is to give his other victims a voice, if they would come forward…(this makes me feel responsible for their hurt). If I were to say anything it would be for them…and only for me a little. Maybe I am the link in the healing process for not only me but their healing as well….and maybe this is why the universe is bringing this to me now; because I am strong enough..but I will have to wait and see with that one =) I feel peaceful!
    FW: #419 Yes!
    I love how I feel right now; going back to being productive and revisiting some wonderful experiences from my childhood with my grandmother…what a remarkable woman who let me just be a butterfly, who never tried to change me…what a beautiful kiss she is…she is still alive. think I want to see her…

  426.  #426Femininewoman on February 6, 2013 at 7:32 am

    I believe it is best to wait until he leans forward now. Right now it is about your vibe and what you are telling yourself about what happened. The more frustration build up inside you, the more resentment you feel toward him, the more you focus on his wrong words and actions the more it filters into you and block your loving energy. This is now about you. If all this affects you negatively it will show up in your tonality when he calls. The stress gives us a high pitched strained voice a lot of times that men are sensitive it.

    If he feels pushed back, angry or whatever this will teach you how long it takes him to deal with his emotions, then move forward. It helps you to learn about him. For all you know he might have already forgotten.

    The key here I believe is reaching deep inside yourself to stay connected with you. Send compassion and love to yourself. Forgive yourself if you believe you were snippy. Staying connected to you will likely help him to feel connected when he contacts you again. The guy I wrote about would always contact me after times of weirdness and ask if we were good. I believe Sweetheart will do the same. There is a reason why you named him Sweetheart.

  427.  #427Femininewoman on February 6, 2013 at 7:45 am

    Miraculously Loved I have learned about taking 100% responsibility. I believe that taking the path of forgiveness release blocked up and stuck energy. This release propels us forward as we can now focus on creativity.

  428.  #428MovingMagic on February 6, 2013 at 7:45 am

    I received a text from a cd this morning saying “Drinks tonight? If not I’m deleting your number from my phone”. Whoa! It’s so true, if you lean back…peoples true colors show up pretty fast. 😉

  429.  #429Miraculously Loved on February 6, 2013 at 7:46 am

    FW: that feels good..”this is now about you”
    feeling liberated and keeping my thoughts out of their world…your words feel liberating! Beautiful; free, forgiving…

  430.  #430Femininewoman on February 6, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Turq when he leans forward your intuition will guide you so you will be sure if you feel like apologizing. All you want is some time with him. This is good for building a relationship. It is finding a way to say this that he can hear. Maybe even let him know that this time apart and going back and forth has helped you to look a bit deeper at what you want for your life.

  431.  #431Femininewoman on February 6, 2013 at 8:20 am

    Tool: Switch Hats

    It’s in moments where you’re dealing with logistics and planning – or you work together – that the skill of knowing how to “switch hats” from “girl” energy to “boy” energy and back to girl energy can make all the difference.

    First, let’s understand the different things that are happening here.

    He’s pulling away. Andie’s needs for closeness are not being met. He’s silencing his cell phone and making her feel insecure – she actually is starting to feel suspicious that there’s another woman.

    And there are great things Andie’s doing, too she’s not making this her fault, she’s not letting her anger lead her to attack her man, and she’s staying calm.

    Now, all she has to do is FIX THE PROBLEM!

    There are lots of angles to this, so let’s lay the solution out in an organized way:


    To do this, Andie (and you – if you’d like to learn to switch hats) has to:

    Make it so her man feels “SAFE” to open up and talk, and then…
    Inspire him to WANT to talk. And then Andie has to…
    LISTEN to him in a way that makes him want to talk even more.
    So this seems complex – like a lot of Tools, a lot of knowing how to use words… but it’s not.

    This is a step-by-step process – how to talk to a man so he’ll hear you, how to listen so he’ll talk, and how to create the DESIRE in him to want to get closer.

    If you’d like to get a detailed, step-by-step set of Tools to make this happen for yourself,take a look at my Reconnect Your Relationship audio program.

    For now, let’s focus on the steps to create the safe place, to inspire him to talk, and then to listen…


    What IS “girl” energy?

    Being a girl means being “Strong on the Inside and Soft on the Outside.”

    It means you trust yourself, feel strong, capable, confident, independent and powerful on your inside – like you could handle anything – and then you allow your heart and your feelings to show completely on your outside.

    This is the complete reverse of what we usually do, which is “boy” energy.

    Boy energy is a pure burst of energy to get things done when we’re trying to accomplish something – it’s the masculine side of ourselves, and it’s absolutely fantastic energy to get stuff done out there in the world.

    But in a relationship, boy energy is just a cover up. It covers up our softer, much more attractive girl energy. It covers up what girl energy is all about – our own connection to our deepest feelings.

    When we’re in boy energy, we feel the need to DO something to make something happen – and that makes us close off our feelings, completely cover up our girl energy and DISCONNECT from ourselves. And the moment we disconnect from ourselves, the relationship gets disconnected.

    How He Responds To Boy Energy
    Boy energy feels to a man like a “protective shield” on your outside. Boy energy feels to him like a cold, hard, emotional defense.

    That cold, hard, defended way of acting can look like stuffing down our feelings, being extra nice and understanding to him, trying to make everything okay by stepping up while he’s slacking off. It’s also Over Functioning , or it can look like attacking him, acting like we don’t care, playing games, stopping trusting him, being emotionally dramatic and mean to him in an underhanded, sideways kind of way.

    In Andie’s case, what’s happening is simple – she and her man of 11 years are suddenly getting DISCONNECTED.

    And, I know you can see this in her letter: Every moment she feels disconnected from her man makes her close up her heart even more, disconnect even more – and this is how our relationships go down the tubes.

    Andie, in my Reconnect Your Relationship program, you’ll get immediately how to undo the damage that’s been done.

    You’ll get the words, the body language, the understanding, and scripts – word for word – to use with your man to open up and reconnect the relationship again… almost instantly.

    The moment you feel strong enough inside to open up more on the outside – to let your man IN instead of closing up more and more out of fear and anger – your relationship will turn around.

    So, now that I’ve given you a basic idea of how boy and girl energy work (it’s all made crystal clear in my Have The Relationship You Want eBook), let’s see specifically how Andie, and you, too, can make the “Switch Hats” Tool work for yourself:

    1. Whenever you’re with a man, NOTICE…

    Notice how you’re standing, sitting, lying down – how your arms and hands are, which way you’re leaning (into him or away from him).

    Write it all down – all your observations.

    2. Now start CATCHING yourself in BOY energy…

    Remember, boy energy is any kind of thinking, active, doing, initiating, deciding, suggesting, logical, brain-using, physically leaning forward kind of energy.

    3. LEAN BACK…

    When you notice yourself leaning forward, put one foot in front of the other and tilt your body back, away from him. (This is my “Leanback” Tool – it’s a part of my whole Rori Raye “Dance Position.”)

    If you notice your arms crossed in front of your body, or your hands rigid by your sides, let your arms just hang along your body and turn your palms to your man.

    If you notice you’re deliberately turning away from him in bed, or doing the opposite by reaching for him – catch yourself and just breathe, allow yourself to melt into the bed, and simply LIE there, breathing and melting.


    Speaks to you, touches you, kisses you, puts his arm around you – wherever you are – notice if you stiffen up or jump to reciprocate in a strong way.

    Notice if you feel angry, if you lean your body away at that moment, or if all of a sudden your brain gets really noisy and the talk in your head gets loud.

    Notice this so you can identify your boy energy – because boy energy, when you’re with your man, is covering up your girl energy. You have to SWITCH HATS, so now…


    Loosen your body, one bit of you at a time – shoulders first – so your girl energy gets a chance to breathe and shine through.

    Breathe into the parts of your body that feel stiff to you.

    Now focus down into exactly what’s in front of you – what you’re touching, what you’re standing on, how his arm feels, what you smell and hear in the room.

    In that moment, you’ll FEEL SOMETHING. So, in that moment, use a Feeling Message that simply says what’s in front of you, what you’re feeling about what you’re seeing and touching – it could be as simple as “It feels so exciting in here,” or, “I’m feeling so hungry…”

    DON’T launch into a discussion about the “relationship,” or about “planning,” or the logistics of a date, or about anything right now. (There’s plenty of time for that, and you want to be more used to your girl energy and the words and body language that go with it first.) Then…

    6. Something different will happen…

    In the moment you use a genuine Feeling Message, so you FEEL more of your feelings and your body isn’t so rigid, HE WILL DO SOMETHING!

    He’ll look at you.

    He’ll hold you tighter.

    He’ll reach for you in bed and stroke your face or your body.

    He’ll SPEAK.

    Something will happen, and you’ll feel a shift in HIS energy. It will happen because you will have gone into girl energy in that moment, and HE FELT IT, and it instantly made HIM shift into BOY energy.

    In that moment, you will have changed the entire dynamic of your relationship. You will have allowed your girl energy to connect with his boy energy.

    7. Keep The Moments Going…

    The challenge is to keep doing what we’re doing here, even though, at every moment, we feel the pressure on us to keep doing all the old stuff we women have all been taught that doesn’t work.

    We’ve all been taught to think our way and TALK our way into a better relationship – but it just doesn’t WORK that way. So, just try these steps, and see what happens.

    I’d love to hear from you – I know it will amaze you to try it this way.

    And Andie – I know you can turn this around. Once he feels how much softer you are, you’ll be able to talk about your feelings – even your anger – using my Tools in a way that will set everything right.

    Love, Rori

  432.  #432Lizka on February 6, 2013 at 8:22 am

    Hello all! Hello FW!! Hello Miracusly Loved

    So did some of you changed their name during the long period that I was away? ML?

  433.  #433Lizka on February 6, 2013 at 8:27 am

    Hmmm I feel excited about lunch that is coming in 5 minutes. I am planning to lunch at my desk and than go buy a treat and read FW’s “switch hats” post. Feels interesting and delicious.

  434.  #434Starla on February 6, 2013 at 8:32 am

    sha sha
    i went to therapy, which was a good support system that didn’t involve a man or anyone but me and the professional. and i committed to going through the motions of loving myself. the idea is to create a new psychophysiological landscape in which those awful voices doesn’t really fit in, and this is done slowly through small changes over time… changes like diet, exercise, meditation, slathering love on yourself when you honestly just want to say mean things to yourself…. etc.

    i also finally stopped making excuses. i knew taking care of me in this way needed to be a priority, and i actually followed through. i knew i couldn’t just ‘think’ myself out of a lifetime pattern of those nasty voices… it was honestly all i knew. so i slowly made their environment less and less conducive to survival.

  435.  #435Lizka on February 6, 2013 at 8:43 am

    Hello Starla!!

  436.  #436Elsie on February 6, 2013 at 8:46 am

    @ Feminine Woman – my intuition was that he just needed some space and was exhausted. I was SOOOOO right. Today we spent two hours talking and he was right back. He just needed a break for 24 hours because he is a waffle LOL and was so tired.

    @Olivia – the “WAFFLE ANALOGY” has helped me many times. The other analogy I have heard is the apartment complex versus the studio apartment. Women are like a studio apartment – everything is mixed up together – work, emotions, etc. just like the pancake. In the apartment complex, and waffle analogy, he actually has to GET UP AND GO to another part to deal with something different. Which is why when men watch TV they literally can NOT hear us and understand what we are saying.

    They just cant do it physiologically. They just cant.

    I’m so glad that I just leaned back and waited. SoOOOOOOOO glad. 🙂


  437.  #437Smile on February 6, 2013 at 8:51 am

    Heart 389, thank you, yes time is a great healer. I will get there 🙂

  438.  #438Smile on February 6, 2013 at 8:52 am

    Tam 403,
    Thanks for the hug, needed that this morning. I’m back on track now 🙂

  439.  #439Smile on February 6, 2013 at 8:54 am

    Curvysiren, 396, thank you, yes without his message I wouldn’t have found the blog to be able to process it all healthily. To him I will always be grateful for him bringing me to the blog 🙂

  440.  #440Annie on February 6, 2013 at 8:58 am

    Miraculously loved.

    Ty for sharing too.

    Of course re your choice.
    It will come out if and when feel able and want to.
    I understand.

    ” no one was there for me”

    I know and this is the root of it
    There were no emotional available adults for you.
    This is how it was allowed to happen.
    None of this is your fault.
    As children we when an adult who we trust betrays that trust we take on their blame. At the time we blame ourselves.
    And yes you are correct it effects our brains and until we have the right support therapy new connections are unable to happen and developmentally form.
    Yes Roris tools are helping all of us.
    And I understand your therapist has helped some what.
    Where I meant he/she isn’t helping is in this part.
    “This is to do with our parents being emotionally unavailable for us and not safe to tell.
    It doesn’t sound like your therapist has helped you with this.”

    And until fully helped with this people who have had this confuse love and the pain of emotional unavailability. This is the subconscious love imprint.
    Where what we are all striving for is a fully aware conscious real love with someone who is emotionally available .
    To stop subconsciously being attracted to and attracting emotional unavailable men into our lives. And to consciously be aware and choose better more healthy relationships.

    We are all getting to that point.
    I hear you.
    I hear how you are healing.
    And how amazingly aware you have become and are continuing to become.

    I believe it is an awakening and reconnecting to our core/soul.

    I wish you well on your continuing journey.
    The bit that felt concerning and stuck out to me, was you still putting your Dad and the perpetrators needs/feelings above your own.

    Protecting your Dad from the TRUTH because of the pain you know it will cause him.
    He is a grown up man as was your perpetrator I am assuming.
    You were a little girl who was helpless and betrayed by all the adults around you.

    “I need to help myself and forgive myself when the feelings come up. there are many situations that can’t be confronted directly with the people that harmed someone; either because that person died or whatever, or sometimes it is just too harmful for the person who experienced it to put their energy in that direction. (this is my case; I don’t want my energy going in that direction)
    I forgive myself and I forgive them; right now that is a choice! I feel forgiving and thankful and open and not closed down”

    I hear you.
    I don’t believe you have anything to forgive yourself for. X
    What do you believe you need to forgive yourself about?

    Nobody else has the right to tell of course it is your choice.
    Otherwise you have been betrayed again.
    Patient confidentiality I would have thought.
    Unless it is a policeman or social worker GP etc and then I would believe they have to step in if the perpetrator is living with any children now.

    Is he still doing it?
    “The only reason I would do it now is to give his other victims a voice, if they would come forward…:

    It is highly unlikely they would come forward if they are children for the same reasons you didn’t.
    As adults yes they may come forward and speak out.

    For me what finally did it was my neice was is now living in the same house as my step father.
    It all just came out.
    To do my best to make them aware and hopefully protect this happening to her.
    That is out of my control.
    But what was in my control was to tell the truth and make them aware.

    I would personally not want my perpetrator to go to prison.
    But would dearly love for him to get help to make it less likely for him to re offend.

    He is not all bad no one is all bad or all good.
    But what he did was one of the most harmful things a man can do.
    And brushing it under the carpet pretending it didn’t or doesn’t happen will not ever lead to a better more healthier society where this happens less and these patterns do not keep repeating generation after generation.
    Most sexual abuse happens in the home.
    I wanted to do my best to break that cycle of abuse.

    We all have to choose what is right for us.
    I feel no judgment towards anyone woman who chooses not to tell.

    It is what it is and we are where we are at.

  441.  #441Smile on February 6, 2013 at 8:59 am

    Turquoise, 398, yes I do believe he did a massive amount if healing through me, I will never be committed to a rebound ever again!!
    Now it’s my turn! I chose now, I’m ready 🙂

  442.  #442Tam on February 6, 2013 at 8:59 am

    Nice to hear Smile!! Sometimes these things throw us back for a little – but never for long 😉

  443.  #443Starla on February 6, 2013 at 9:05 am


  444.  #444Dominique on February 6, 2013 at 9:06 am

    Miraculously Loved – You are handling this which SO much grace and beauty. I applaud you.

    Sending you love.


  445.  #445Smile on February 6, 2013 at 9:07 am

    I feel really big headed saying this but I actually feel ‘more’ than her. She may have ‘got’ him back but I feel like the winner in all this! Like I’ve got my ‘sh*t’ together. So I’m letting that take me forward to receiving more for myself 🙂

  446.  #446Dominique on February 6, 2013 at 9:08 am

    Smile – 385 – yes they do, and you more likely to create best kind of relationship for you.


  447.  #447Annie on February 6, 2013 at 9:09 am

    re stuck energy,

    I believe this is because you went into freeze mode and disconnected to protect yourself as a child when this trauma happened.
    You were unable to go into fight or flight.

    When we go into freeze mode the energy becomes trapped.

    I feel curious/
    Have you experienced any uncontrollable shaking re this past event Miraculously Loved?

  448.  #448Lizka on February 6, 2013 at 9:10 am

    I need a mood booster to stay positive today. I think I will go to the tea shop and buy a new valentine’s day taste tea…

    Cheri (unofficial blog bane for my darling) and I have decided to completely remove negativity from our love. We conplain a lot about work, people, and a lot wheb he or I am driving. I think it’s cool that we can communicate so openely and decide together to cut the negativity.

    So I will buy a tea for the tea collection I am building. Leeping them in my desk at work and they keep my body and feelings warm. 🙂

  449.  #449Mercedes on February 6, 2013 at 9:12 am

    This business thing is becoming a REALITY!!! OMG! J is getting very, very excited which is spilling over onto me (I’ve been *trying* to keep my excitement down to mildly excited…).

    We have a meeting with an attorney on Monday to establish our LLC.

    Last night we toured the available spaces for lease in the location of our dreams. We LOVE what we saw and the leasing agent answered a ton of questions and gave a lot of very useful information and…we selected the spot we want which feels absolutely PERFECT!

    Next, we will meet with a builder to figure out what it will cost to build out the space to fit our needs (this is the point where it sometimes becomes a deal breaker for people). Then to the bank. Finally, it is up to our attorney to advise on rent negotiation and close the deal with the leasing agent.

    After that…it’s all about getting it designed, built, and decorated, ordering supplies and opening the doors!!!! YAY!

    Of course all of this will take lots of time and lots of work but I’ll do my best to exercise patience. 🙂

    I feel nervous…and a little scared (bordering on a lot scared)…

    I will have to keep my day job for a time (but I have someone I trust to manage the day stuff and who will work on commission and bonus with a small salary) so that’s good.

    I feel uncertain about working two jobs and trying to manage the actual business aspects of it at night and on the weekends…

    I feel rushed with getting my training completed.

    I feel hesitant about the lifestyle change coming for J and I and the potential of spending less time together…but then too, I feel excited about the possibility this brings of us actually spending even MORE time together.

    I feel confident that I have the right business plan and that I can and will make a difference in the world (at least in my little corner of it here in Houston).

    Excited, confident, hopeful, nervous, anxious, scared…

    Lots of emotion here all wrapped up in my little tummy. Talk about uncomfortable! I couldn’t even focus my meditation very well this morning…

    Breathe…just breathe…

    Much Love,

  450.  #450Starla on February 6, 2013 at 9:18 am

    lizka 445 that is the sweetest most wonderful thing ever:)

    QZ/CF and I care a lot about this stuff, too.

  451.  #451Memulo on February 6, 2013 at 9:24 am

    Dominique, sorry, not sure what I said in post 347, I can’t see post numbers on my cell. Was I contemplating about contacting dumbcd? If I was and that is what you were responding to, I don’t have any serious intention to contact him. I still feel hurt that he never said anything to me, but I can’t accept the role of running after and making him listen.

  452.  #452Starla on February 6, 2013 at 9:30 am


  453.  #453Lizka on February 6, 2013 at 9:30 am

    Starla, we didnt had a lot of time off blog to speak about you and CF. let’s chat soon ok? I feel very interested and curious about hearing your story! 🙂

  454.  #454Memulo on February 6, 2013 at 9:31 am

    Lizka!!!! Great to have you back

  455.  #455Annie on February 6, 2013 at 9:40 am

    Feeling your excitement Mercedes good luck.

    I felt interested in your blog.
    Do you have a link?

  456.  #456Mercedes on February 6, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Annie: Thank you! You can click on my name to get to my blog from here.

    Much Love,

  457.  #457Femininewoman on February 6, 2013 at 9:42 am

    have decided to completely remove negativity from our love. – Excellent!!! I believe this is how commitment and agreements work in relationships. I have learned to focus on this type of thing through Gay and Katie Hendricks.

  458.  #458Dominique on February 6, 2013 at 9:48 am

    Memulo – it was about presents for V’Day.


  459.  #459Memulo on February 6, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Thank you Dominique. I was asking about a present for my current cd that already made dinner reservations for that day for us.

  460.  #460Iamabutterfly on February 6, 2013 at 10:09 am

    I feel soooo embarrassed. and a little bit giddy. and nervous.

    I keep running into this guy. (Common theme for me, I know.)

    An older married male friend of mine approached me and said I should meet him.

    I felt hesitant. Why wasn’t he coming up to meet me?

    Found out that he’s 30, single, and is from close to where I’m from, which is far from where we are geographically at the moment.

    I ended up not meeting him that morning, as married male friend intended. I still haven’t met him, in fact.

    He. Is. Beautiful.

    Ridiculously tall. Dark hair. Blue eyes. Fair skin. Nice semi-scruffy, yet well-kept beard. Broad.

    So many men are too boyish or too old seeming to me. This guy? Perfect. Purrrrfect.

    I have never felt so intimidated in my entire life.

    I caught myself staring. (I swear I couldn’t help it!)

    Everytime he looked my way, instead of holding eye contact like I know I’m supposed to (and can do most of the time, I promise!) I would look away.

    I am sooooo used to guys doing this with me!

    It always makes me feel like “What’s the big deal, I’m just a person?”

    well, I had noooo idea how they felt until I saw this guy.

    I seriously look away and blush every time he looks at me!

    I can tell he thinks I’m cute, but I need to hold eye contact if anything is going to happen!

    I mean, who is going to want a girl who is terrified of him?

    When guys think I’m so beautiful they can hardly look at me, I find it adorable and it makes me feel really good.

    but I’ve never had the tables flipped like this before.

    I feel humbled…nervous…excited…scared!

    What if I never get to meet him?! My NV screams!

    What if I DO??!!!

    I feel so frustrated and flustered!

  461.  #461Miraculously Loved on February 6, 2013 at 10:12 am

    Mercedes what a beautiful site you have; not in a weird way…LOL (sounds like the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood/I laugh) Love the “color run” pic. Beautiful!

    Almost done with my paper and genogram! Success! I made it through…creative, positive and objective…I feel sleepy and like I need a shower then I think I will meditate a little to re-center myself…
    Nice….I feel nice, compassionate and healthy…manifesting; creating….oh I need to dance today…gently; pretty. I think I will do that

  462.  #462GlowStix on February 6, 2013 at 10:14 am

    I felt kicked in the gut then, I feel soft and flowing now. I am not crazy. I am sane, safe, and loved. I feel confident, secure, and firmly planted when I practice open communication. I feel the progress here. I see it every day. FW referencing rori on switching hats, and creating safe and effective communication with a man really helped this to feel firm in my center today. I hear honesty. I hear response when I speak. When I pean back, open my soul up to absorb words and feel effects I hear it all, I am never in the dark. This feels so much like a releasing. I like that. To receive, to release. This is how I can hear from him that I “spend too much time” and AGREE. mmm yes. Because I feel the truth in my own body. I feel that then I speak that. Then when I see a “flip” in him, I can hold solidly to the truth and my boundaries without investing excitement in his flip. Without feeling fear from his original words.

    That. Feels. Amazing!

    I felt such a deep core connection during s3x last night. One of those connections that feels so real and right and like a glowing thread between to hearts and souls. He was snoring and I was wide awake and feeling. And all of a sudden I felt a spark in my chest, and then he was awake and saying “come here baby” and kissing me. It felt like the creation of life out of nothing at all. I thought I had felt this connection with him before and no, I haven’t. One of those feelings…Like you *think* you have felt it and don’t know you haven’t until you actually do…Groovy! I like that. I shed tears while we were making love. And NO fear. No fear that he would turn away from those tears like someone else. And he did not. He rubbed his cheek in them, kissed them, held me tight. Deeper and deeper and closer he pulled me and it felt as if he wanted to merge with me and dissolve into me. Heaven. I could carry this bliss throughout my lifetime.

  463.  #463Iamabutterfly on February 6, 2013 at 10:14 am

    uggg, I am such a teenage girl. I love my teenage girl! Some beautiful man is going to love my teenage girl as well, and see the stunning woman inside me as well!!!!

  464.  #464Femininewoman on February 6, 2013 at 10:25 am

    Reading 459 the song – This Girl is On Fire came to mind.

  465.  #465Miraculously Loved on February 6, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Annie #444 yes last night I was very shaken and I cried out loud a big cry and I felt safe and supported..I even feel a little exhausted today from it but it feels like a good kind of exhausted…feels productive. I feel pretty powerful and fabulous that I said what I said to her and then let myself feel everything in my whole self without shutting it off; I don’t need to hang on to it and as it comes and goes I will continue to release it..thank you Annie…I feel very supported

  466.  #466Dominique on February 6, 2013 at 10:36 am

    Iamabutterfly – 460 – And what’s wrong with this? I LOVE your teenage girl. I too can still feel like this even after almost twelve years together. It’s a wonderful feeling. And K loves this part of me too.


  467.  #467Mercedes on February 6, 2013 at 10:36 am

    Miraculously Loved: Thank you so much! I, unfortunately, spend very little time there lately but I hope to change that one day soon. It’s mostly just my ramblings but it feels good to have a place ramble anyway. 🙂

    Wishing for you a very, very pleasant meditation…

    Much Love,

  468.  #468Iamabutterfly on February 6, 2013 at 10:47 am

    @463 Dominique – Absolutely nothing wrong with this! I love her too. 🙂 I just haven’t been this attracted to someone while knowing NOTHING of their personality and feeling giddy about it since I was sixteen years old. It feels kind of silly, but good too. I hope he makes the opportunity to meet me, even though I feel so shy I can barely look him in the eyes….eeeek.

  469.  #469Iamabutterfly on February 6, 2013 at 10:53 am

    I feel so curious about my reactions to men. Some men will check me out, and it makes me feel really good…and aggressive. I’ll stare back and I’ll hold eye contact for a ridiculously long time…just daring them to approach me and say something! (and they usually do!)

    other times, I feel sooooo shy and small and girly and helpless. I can barely look at them, and when I do, I blush deeply.

    I feel like the former is more akin to my actual personality. I’m a go-getter, outgoing, speak my mind, blunt, but compassionate and a deep feeler as well.

    I sometimes feel worried about being with a man who turns me into pure feminine mush. It feels scary. am I not my actual self with these types of men? or am I MORE my actual self, because I feel safe in the protection of true masculinity?

    I don’t know.

    I feel curious.

  470.  #470Miraculously Loved on February 6, 2013 at 10:54 am

    Annie, with comment #437 I feel a little projected upon. Just a bit; no it was my step brother and I really don’t have a lot of time to go trough all of it and explain but because you and I share some of this I really want you to get a feel for my experience and the way I am choosing to handle it. I feel at ease with your questions and inquisitions because it doesn’t bother me to answer to that. Although I do feel some powerful responses coming from you and your stuff, you are now experiencing someone who is experiencing this in a different way. My journey has been long and no I was not supported in my childhood. I was left alone and this aloneness I had to come to recognize as an adult that this aloneness is ok and to experience aloneness outside of relationships as a positive thing. Ohhh there is soo much and I just want to hug you because I want you to see that it IS ok. I am ok and I am in a beautiful relationship where if I feel abandoned by him and his behavior, I can tell him. I don’t have to tell my family.
    I know many of the people he hurt because I have heard their stories and no I don’t know who else he hurt…many of them are adults now and still unable to function in relationships. What I mean by being self forgiving is just what you said…there is noting to forgive..its just another way for me to say I accept myself and all of my feelings…forgiveness doesn’t mean I did anything wrong; it means release…it is a word I use to open my heart. I forgive myself of all harm, of all negative feelings. It is a feeling not a doing…its a therapeutic word because we all need forgiveness and release and acceptance…I must accept atonement for myself A Course in Miracles lesson #337. So, when I speak of forgiveness I speak of the perfection of the way things are and who I am including any hurt feelings I may carry..I don’t need to change them today…they themselves are in the process of changing and there is nothing I need to do or don’t need to do to make myself complete except accept atonement…which is completeness. I do not sweep my past under the rug; it is a part of me and has shaped me in so many great ways. My strength, my durability my honesty. My father did not know and my step mother swept it under the rug; my therapist did help me with the portion that made me feel hidden and unsupported…notice I never used those words…this exchange is bringing me peace and I thank you for it…it is helping me bridge those feelings. I will approach myself with caution and be gentle with my own heart…I don’t have to complete this today as I am complete and whole. I do not accept events as “my being” even if I do have a response to them…I choose to be beautiful today in this moment as I have revisited my past enough in my life and it is time for the little girl to release and let go for now…thank you for your words and encouragement…
    and Dominique thank you too….

  471.  #471Smile on February 6, 2013 at 10:59 am

    I have daily contact with the most ‘rudest individual’ I’ve ever come across. I really want to speak my mind but I have to remain professional. She is very intimidating and would probably attack me if I reacted to her. She triggers me sooo much and I don’t like feeling this way. I ‘have’ to see her, there’s no way getting around this. Everyone else feels this way towards her too but it makes me feel yuck. I need to let go of this Grrrrr she creates in me. I want to protect myself and talk back. I don’t like being spoken to this way 🙁

  472.  #472Iamabutterfly on February 6, 2013 at 11:02 am

    @468 Smile – Have you tried using Feeling Messages with her?

    You say you don’t like being spoken to in that way. How does it make you feel? How could you put it in a feeling message that you could communicate to her?

  473.  #473Miraculously Loved on February 6, 2013 at 11:09 am

    I was created as perfect and if I try to make myself imperfect then I am telling myself a lie; the creator, the universe does not create imperfection; it is only my belief in my imperfection that creates my need to change my Self and who I am. If I try to be anything different then I lie for how can I be what I am not and not betray myself. I am whole, I am holy I am forgiven; before I was born my whole Self, my soul was perfectly created into beauty. It is the world that tells me that I am not and it is I (through my ego) who believe that what I don’t have means that I am lacking but it was not meant for me to have and therefore I lack nothing….this is my meditation if you can grasp it believe you are perfect…it is not in the nature of creation to create an imperfect thing…Peace for the rest of the day sirens

  474.  #474Smile on February 6, 2013 at 11:12 am

    Lamabutterfly, She is a bully and so aggressive, she embarrasses me infront of everyone. She’s only there for about 30 seconds and I’ve been told by the powers above not to rise to her and keep her on side. I have no desire to talk to her 🙁

    In context I’m a teacher, she collects her child at the end of the day, today I didn’t call her child’s name quick enough and she barged to the front and started shouting her child from the window. Her child stayed there because she knew the other parents were queued at the door, then she started telling me to hurry up.

    She constantly breaks the rules for a reaction… Like why give your child fizzy drinks when they’re not allowed, of course I’m going to not let her drink it! Even the child knew she wasn’t allowed it. Don’t give me grief! Grrrrr

  475.  #475Indigo on February 6, 2013 at 11:13 am

    I really got the message today, that sometimes what is good for us doesn’t look at all the way we thought it would look like.

    Sometimes it can look completely, exactly the opposite of our preconceived notions, and it takes a bit of bravery to “go there” and venture into the unknown.

    And sometimes, you don’t have the words to explain that, or make it ok for others, you just have to follow the voice inside.

  476.  #476Smile on February 6, 2013 at 11:16 am

    Grrr my other thing I’m feeling grumbly about is my friend expecting me to go to hers all the time. She asked if I wanted to do something tonight. I would have been happy with the plans but I’m chilled and relaxed and don’t want to go out so I said yes I would love to do that and I am in my pjs looking forward to chilling at home. She doesn’t want to go out either so were not now. I always go to hers, well tonight I’m looking after me 🙂

  477.  #477CurvySiren10 on February 6, 2013 at 11:16 am

    472~~ Hmmmm, very curious about what you’re talking about here Indigo…

  478.  #478Dominique on February 6, 2013 at 11:18 am

    Iamabuttefly -466 -“am I not my actual self with these types of men? or am I MORE my actual self, because I feel safe in the protection of true masculinity?”

    What a GREAT question to explore within yourself. I love this.


  479.  #479Iamabutterfly on February 6, 2013 at 11:20 am


  480.  #480Dominique on February 6, 2013 at 11:21 am

    Indigo – 472 – LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this, Happy Dance!!! Isn’t this an amazing feeling when you realize that what you’ve been given is actually SO much better than what you THOUGHT you wanted.


  481.  #481Starla on February 6, 2013 at 11:28 am


    I talked to my boyfriend last night about our physical dynamic. Sometimes I want him to be more aggressive, and when he’s not, I can be kind of standoffish. And in his effort to be loving and respectful, he becomes even less aggressive, leaving me feeling almost pissed off and with the heebie jeebies.

    I read a lot on the internet about not directly telling your man you need him to be more aggressive. That it’s a recipe for disaster and will hurt his feelings. And I can totally see why. Dominique had a great suggestion for me of introducing it as a fantasy of mine, and that idea alone made me feel empowered enough to bring up the topic to him.