If He Forgets Your Gift – Valentine’s Day, Birthday…

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giftsGift giving is fraught with possible horrible outcomes:

You don’t like what he gives you.

He doesn’t give you something “good” enough.

He forgets altogether.

You give him something great and then suffer with expectations about what HE’LL give YOU.

You harbor feelings, resentments, and are so much in the future and the past you’re hardly even here in the present – which just drives a man away.

So you lose either way.

Here’s a situation Pamela’s in:

Hi, Rori. I feel embarrassed but here we are a year later and the same issue has come up with my long-distance relationship: the Valentine’s gift issue.  Of course it is NOT about the gift – it is the THOUGHT.

I sent him a nice gift – and enclosed the receipt in case he wanted to return it. He did return it. He put the money toward something he wanted, and told me I’d get MY Valentine’s gift the next time we saw each other – coming up in 2 weeks.

That’s okay – I can wait – but want to express my feelings if 1. He forgets and 2. I get a small, silly gift like the ones he’s given me in the past.

Here are two Scripts I came up with:

1. HE GIVES ME SOMETHING SMALL, OR THAT I DON’T LIKE: Say thank you – and wait until the next day to say something…and say this:

“I love and appreciate the (whatever)  – it is definitely something I will use – it is practical  & I appreciate the thought  AND  I was hoping for something that was a bit more personal  or romantic –call me old fashioned – for special occasions – Valentine’s Day, Birthdays, Christmas – It would feel nice to get a romantic gift from my boyfriend – it does NOT have to cost a lot of money – I know  this (whatever) wasn’t cheap AND for the same amount of money OR less there are things that would make me happy – it could be earrings – or a a piece of lingerie  Since you are spending your time and money  – I want you to know what’s going to give me the biggest smile on my face

2. IF HE FORGETS – (I arrive on a Friday – so by Tuesday if nothing:

“I know you said we would be celebrating Valentine’s Day on this visit – I feel excited and can’t wait for my surprise – I love surprises! ”

My Answer:

Pamela – Say NOTHING.

All of this is completely misplaced energy.

If you want to give a man a Valentine’s gift – do it – and I say a card is plenty.

By giving him such a great gift, you put so much pressure on YOURSELF to GET a great gift.

You already know this man is sub-par in so many ways. You’ve decided to accept that. So – accept that. Don’t mention it. You would sound awful saying ANYTHING about this now.

A woman whose man forgets Valentine’s day (I’m assuming he didn’t even send you a card?) gets to cry and say how bad she feels.

AND – having expectations this late after Valentines – WAY too much pressure on both of you.

If you carry this around the entire weekend – he’s going to experience you as a phony.

You can either say it right up front – Bob – can we get Valentine’s day over with?

I’m sorry, and, yes, I’ve been thinking about it..and I don’t want to sit on it and get into my head like I can do….could we just do it and get it over with? I want to see what you got me….”

Or, when you first feel your feelings that he’s forgotten bubble up, you can cry and say…“I feel dissappointed not having a Valentine’s gift. It hurts. Is this a test?” or

Say NOTHING.

Anything you’ve written in your question above is just manipulating, over-doing, teaching, FAKE, direction-giving (to a man who has demonstrated he’s not stupid about this)…all useless.

If he gives you something you don’t like or think is “too small” – say thank you, love it up as genuinely as you can, and then FORGET about it!!!!!

If you can FORGET about this – truly – that’s the BEST thing you could do.

The first and second options above are your other best options.

Patricia – you just have to get over this “harboring” of feelings and judgments you can’t speak to him.

It’s just a fake relationship, then, and you can have nothing there but pain.

Speak the truth as quickly as you can, or keep your mouth shut.

Anything else is going to do damage.

Love, Rori

 

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