If He Keeps Going Back To His “Ex” – Do This…

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I’ve played second-fiddle to a man’s “ex” and I’ve been the “ex” that a man never gave another thought to, and I’ve been the woman who erased all thoughts of an ex from a man’s mind and heart.

There’s always an ex of some kind.  It’s when there’s still an emotional “pull” there for a man that we have to pay attention and take good care of ourselves.

Here’s a letter from Karol, who’s in the middle of the dreaded “ex” situation.  If what Karol’s going through sounds familiar to you, try these Tools:

“Hi Rori,

What do I do if my current boyfriend of 10 months says he loves me and is happy with me, but broke up with me Friday because he still has feelings for his ex (on-again-off-again), and needs to get closure or figure it out?  They haven’t been together for 3 years, she keeps calling him and they dated on and off for 7 years prior. Help! Karol”

Karol’s awful situation is what my Commitment Blueprint program is all about, and my new Modern Siren program, too.

To start – Karol – you must DATE other men. NOW, instantly.  You must get out there and take care of yourself. I call this Tool Circular Dating – and it works.

At the same time, when he calls (and he will) you must be open, warm, sweet, authentic and magnetic so he’ll feel safe to come to you.  Use all my Tools to keep from being defensive and angry – and to express your anger and disappointment when you do feel it in a way he can hear, instead of attacking him or trying to make him behave differently.

Use all your dates with other men to build your self-esteem and practice my Tools – especially Feeling Messages.  Just keeping Leaning Back. Actually moving away from him. That means pretty much forgetting about him when he isn’t right in front of you.

Here’s the link to my catalog page – Click Here and try out Commitment Blueprint or The Modern Siren, see how these Tools help, and let me know.  Love, Rori



  1.  #1Linda on August 30, 2009 at 10:33 pm

    I’ve been dating a man for 3 months, began sleeping with him about 2 months ago. I saw him today and he was cold and distant and at the end of our date shared with me that we had recently had dinner with his ex girlfriend and realizes he still has feelings for her. He’s doing contract work for her on her home and stays in contact. She has a new boyfriend and he has told her about me. He tells me he is confused and wants to still see me for dinner and walks as friends (no sex) until he sorts out his feelings for her. I was having dinner with him at the time and realized I needed to end the date as I was processing the information and starting to feel bad. As I was leaving he wants to hug and kiss me. I am not interested in being physical with a man who announces he’s got feelings for someone else.
    I’m feeling hurt and I know he’ll be calling acting like there is nothing wrong…how do I handle this? He’s a good guy and I appreciate his honesty. Is he even worth it?

  2.  #2Rori Raye on August 31, 2009 at 10:16 am

    Linda – Welcome…and it makes no difference at all how worth anything he is….the question is…what is he to you? In other words, is he doing the job for you? And the answer is no — right now. And…yes…that can change. That’s what all my Tools are…to change things. Back to basics –you must NEVER become exclusive with a man again until you have a wedding date. I’m serious. If you had a full rotation of men, you’d be able to slip by this effortlessly — so go out there and start Circular Dating (if you don’t have Targeting Mr. Right — read around here in that category so you can get a sense of what Circular Dating is all about (it’s not just about dating) and get started – NOW. this kind of thing happens at the 3 month mark ALL THE TIME…it’s part of the experience of being a Diva and working with all kinds of men until you are able to choose one. You are handling this totally correctly…just smile and let him go, and start dating other men. You’ll see…this will work for you. Love, Rori

  3.  #3Nikki on March 3, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    I began seeing a guy about 2 months ago, who’s last serious relationship ended explosively. They had been together 5 years and planned to marry, but since they broke up (over a year ago) hadn’t been in contact. Yesterday he told me her cousin, who he was very close with, had committed suicide. He said her family had told him she wanted him to reach out to her, which he did. They apparently had a very long phone conversation an she asked him to meet up with her sometime soon, that she wants to talk. He told me he feels like he should comfort her, so he’s going to go. He says it may provide him with closure. He tells he cares about me a lot and doesn’t want to risk losing what we have, but I can tell he’s nervous about seeing her and attempting to downplay it so I don’t worry. I haven’t heard from him since that conversation (which is very unusual). I’m usually never insecure, but this situation has me quite worried. I find myself waiting for my phone to go off, but it hasn’t. I am not the type of woman to play second fiddle, if that’s whats happening. What should I do?

  4.  #4Rori Raye on March 3, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    Nikki – don’t do anything, please – except – I’m not sure if this is a typo – was HE close to the cousin who died, or was she? If it was him, then send him a condolence card with a personal note saying how good it feels to know him, and you wish him well. If it was her – do nothing. 2 months is not long enough to call this a relationship – so continue Circular Dating, and see what happens. Love, Rori

  5.  #5Ann on April 22, 2010 at 9:19 am

    I meet this man about a year ago, when I was on vacation visiting my family in Georgia. My intentions were to move down south when I finished college and sale my house in Massachusetts; this was in my plans before I meet him. He and his ex for about 8 years were broken up at the time that I meet him in June of 2009. I returned in August and stayed with him for 2 weeks while looking for a house to buy when I sell mine. The stay with him and it was “wonderful”, then I returned and we keep in touch on a weelky and sometimes daily basis. In October of 2009 I called his cell phone he answered then a women took the phone and it was his ex. She asked me who I was and I let her know, and I let her know about my stay. I sold my house at the begining of October of 2009 and moved to Georgia in December of 2009. I started talking to him again and was intimate. Was this a mistake? He and his ex broke up again at the begining of February of 2010. I still was seeing him. He had a death in the family in April of 2010 and I was his comfort until the night before the funeral he did not call. l seen him at the gas station after the funeral with his ex but I did not say anything . Should I just leave it alone? How am I suppose to believe him when he continues to say how much he cares and he loves me, and he thinks a lot of me. Was it just a string alone? My feelings are deeply envolved.

  6.  #6Rori Raye on April 22, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    Ann – Welcome, and I’m sorry for your pain. I know you love him, and I can’t say that he’s stringing you along, but I can say that he’s likely still hung up on his ex – or, at the very best – he likes you, and that’s all he’s prepared to do. We’ll all help you here to feel better…. Love, Rori

  7.  #7Fleur on May 5, 2010 at 9:32 am

    I’ve been seeing my partner for the last year. He split with his ex of 8 years 4 months before we met. It has been rocky with her in the background toying with him. We moved in together october 09 and she managed to contact him and tell him she had feelings for him.( which he says he felt confused by) He told me before xmas he wanted to end things but did not move out and I didnt move. I made him sleep in spare room. (I started following Rori advice about Jan)
    He moved out in March but has since being trying to come back. I thought he had made his mind up because he wanted me. It seems there was a hope they might get back together, But im learning that his ex went back to her fella about March.
    He says he’s not in love with her and loves me and is in love with me but this has happened twice before and although i love him I feel a fool and betrayed. I dont feel i can trust him. What do you think??

  8.  #8Rori Raye on May 6, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    Fleur, Welcome, and I don’t like this man (for a relationship with you) , just from what you’ve told me. There is no doubt for me that, even if he isn’t “in love” with this ex…he’s feeling a difference between the two of you, and gauging the intensity of what he felt for the ex to what he feels for you – and it doesn’t compute for him. AS long as he’s “confused” – there’s nothing for you there. Please, please start Circular Dating. You will bring him in closer if you ignore him. My guess is you care a lot more for him than the ex did – and that’s what he finds attractive. Instead of trying to turn yourself into a different woman for him – go out there and find a man to who YOU are undeniably the ONE. In the meantime, what’s going to happen for you is you’re going to get BORED with him. I don’t see a lot of pain here for you if you Circular Date, and use the Tools 24/7 (yes – even while you’re dreaming!!!) Love, Rori

  9.  #9Jay on May 11, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    In a Long distance relationship for 6 month we knew each other growing up reconnected over the net he is coming home to see me. the thing is I do not think I’m the only one he is coming home to see. I confronted him about him flirting with her he said that she was just a friend but the way they flirt is not “friendly” so to say. The things that she post on his social networking pages say differently. I dont want to be and over jealous person but I also do not want him to be using me to make her jealous. What she I do.

  10.  #10Rori Raye on May 12, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    Jay, Welcome, The only way to “win” something like this is to not care if you do. If a man isn’t sure he wants you – it’s his loss. Truly. This is the attitude that makes you into a goddess. Love, Rori

  11.  #11grace on June 25, 2010 at 2:03 am

    Please help I’m wreck. I don’t even know how to start talking about this break up.

    So I was literally dating my ex for less than a month he was my best friend of 3 years. I knew him like the palm of my hand and he knows everything about me. During our friendship he was dating this girl linnet (his ex before me) he was madly in love he talked about her all the time. I was in so much pain I’ve always had feelings for him but knew he only saw me as a friend. They dated for 2 years she graduated school a year before him we stayed close friends even while he dated her I always felt so confused with him because he would always call or text me we would always go out to eat he would come to my house he would take me anywhere I wanted. Every day that went by I fell for him harder and harder. I started messing around with this other guy just for fun but will ( my ex , my best friend ) got extremely jealous when I realized this I was super happy I would torture him with stories and tell him that I might consider dating them. he was hurt and I didn’t like it so I stopped eventually I never dated a guy while he was with his girlfriend I never kissed hold hands had sex anything with him while they were together. then school started and things got bad him and his girlfriend barley saw each other he would drop plans with her to be with me I felt so special and it made so I happy but deep down I knew he loved her (I saw this because he is the type of guy that shows his emotions through his face) long story short he broke up with her too date me. I told him no I said he couldn’t drop her like that without explaining things to her he said that he stopped loving her a while ago that he was just scared to let go. I finally get what I want but I know he is not happy deep down 2 months went by and he still had not talked to her he had made it his mission to get me to say yes to be his girlfriend. & they day came May 24 I finally said yes. too be honest I was happy I had never been happier and in his face he was happy too I already knew him he was best friend my mom loved him my dad accepted him my aunt my grandma grandpa cousins EVERYONE LOVED HIM my friends were happy that I finally said yes to him. No one was shocked we were dating. I’ve never been so comfortable with a guy like I am with him he is perfect were perfect together. Not one fight happened between us everything was love dovey until his graduation party. That day we had our first argument it was about how I’m so self conscious. That was it… okay now to the really bad part he saw his ex the girl he dated for 2 years and something months dancing with a friend of his she literally looked him in the eye smiled and kept dancing. When I looked at will I knew he still loved her I knew he loved me but that what he had with her was something very strong. Two days later we had UNPROTECTED sex. that same day he broke up with me… he feels like an asshole he is mad that he went too far with me he wants to fix things with his ex ( well he did and there happy happy happpy ! ) I cursed cry so much I wouldn’t answer his calls or see him he was heartbroken my friends all hate him but I don’t I’m happy he is with his ex I’m happy he is happy but I’m still confused I completely cut him out of my life and he was mad at me for that when we were dating I made him promise that if we break up we won’t ruin a friendship. well now I regret saying it because he won’t let me escape he told his best friend he wants me back that he wants me in his life that he wants to talk to me every night spend time with my life before but I can’t because I really do love him. I told him I was not going to leave him alone. That I would still be his best friend but only when he needs me. I’m in so much pain Rori! My family asks about him all the time he texts me calls me all the time I enjoy every second of it but when I realize it’s becoming too much I ask him if he needs something if he says no I hang up. I miss him so much and at the same time I want him to be happy with his girlfriend I’m in a big mess I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve actually considered just erasing him from life but he says he won’t let me and I’m not one to break a promise. People say they give him a year till we date again but what if we don’t? He is getting his own place soon and he wants me to move in with him. I told him no he says it will be fine. that he is a faithful guy sad thing is I know he is and that is what hurts me I know he won’t touch me while having a girlfriend but I don’t know if I have enough self control what should I do. Should I tell him to his girl again come back to me? his befriend also confessed to me that he told him that he wishes so bad he could have us both in his life both as his girlfriend NO WAY IN HELLL I WOULD DO THAT but that also shows that he wants me as his girlfriend ! Please help me I’m going crazy

  12.  #12gail on June 25, 2010 at 3:57 am

    Hi Rori
    I have been dating a man i met last January. We had a great time with each other each time we met but we had a long distance relationship at the time. we have engaged in our favourite sports together and we are so alike….we love the same things. I told him I was moving to the next town to him and the very next day he text me saying he run into an old friend and hoped I wasn’t too upset about it and could we remain friends. I was too upset to reply and he sent me a further 2 messages expressing how he did not want to lose me and how he wanted so much to continue sharing our hobbies together. I could not reply for over a week which I did agreeing to seeing him as a friend. In the meantime he has since broken up with this old friend and has found another.but he still continues to go out with me. he started inviting me out during the week and text and calls me daily just about general life stuff. he took his g/f on holiday recently and I was really surprised to receive a call late one night from him saying they’d had a fight and she was too demanding wanting him all to her self as he had paid his daughters too much and not enough for her. Since then we have met up often where he just continues to tell me about how she is not the one now he has realised what she is really like. We go for meals out and he invites me over to his house where I have stayed over now a couple of times. He is very affectionate towards me and we are incredibly close emotionally but I really want more than to be Just his friend, ( it has become friends with benefits) I have been physical with him thinking this would work (silly Me) he still sees her at weekends yet he sees me midweek. I feel I am getting the crumbs,,he says he is ending it with her but yet because he has already planned another holiday previously with her he has to fulfil this, he says he is going to end the relationship after the holiday. I don’t understand as he said this twice before but yet continues to see her and he tells me everything. how do I get him to want me in a relationship and not friends mode. He has yet gone away this weekend with her and his family. we have planned a trip in august for the 2 of us away to visit my daughter. I just don’t know if I can continue with all this. He called me yesterday I told him I was feeling really good because I had had my hair done and I was really pleased with it…as I was going out with friends for the evening…I know he called to ask me round! I have always gone when he asked me so I thought I would do something for myself instead. he asked me to see him next Tuesday and I replied “possibly” instead of the usual yes. He asked why only possibly? to which I replied because I may have other plans.. He became like a little begging lamb desperately trying to secure the date. I said I would let him know. On another occasion recently I told him I was going on a date with a man Id just met, he panicked and told me he was so frightened of losing me to another..??? I am confused.. I replied ” but you have your g/f. he said she wasn’t a friend. however this woman get holidays / weekend away with him and he spends all his weekends with her and not me…..I get to see him Mon to Friday….please help… he says one thing but does another. we are absolutely great together and he knows it, I want to be more than this person I am becoming and I have worked out he wants me more when I am unavailable but I don’t want to use these tactics as it doesn’t feel right for me.

  13.  #13Rori Raye on June 26, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    Grace, Welcome, and yes…this is crazy. There is simply no room in a woman’s life for a man who is not nuts over her – all the time. This kind of confusion is simply not worth your energy – even to save the friendship. What we need to do for you here is help you back way off and find yourself and find your life…you can do it! Love, Rori

  14.  #14Rori Raye on June 26, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    Welcome, Gail, and I’m so sorry you’re in this situation (I’ve been there…as I’m sure have many, if not most of us…) – the only way a friendship turns to romance is if the MAN feels it that way (usually from the beginning). Of course he doesn’t want to lose you –you’re FABULOUS! And…you need to move on and get a fulfilling, exquisite life. We’ll help you here…Love, Rori

  15.  #15Te Lan on September 18, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    Hi Rori,

    So I met this guy at school/work last year, and we have been flirting non-stop. We would hang out together, eat out together, but everytime either one of us asked the other out on a date, we would never follow through. Over the course of the year we have shared many great moments together, aruguments, etc. just like any other “couple” would do, but we were never official. But even though we were not official, he would always say things like “we need to take our relationship to the next level and make it official” and he would get jealous if I talked to other guys. He has an ex girlfriend (they were together for 6 years prior to last year) and he told me he was single, and that he broke up with her. But I noticed that she would still IM him, and he would reply etc. Then all of a sudden last month, he shows up to a work lunch with his ex-girl with him! But the day before he was all over me. Of course I was humiliated, but I pretended nothing was wrong. He completely ignored me the entire lunch, and acted like I didnt exist. Then at the end of lunch he comes up to talk to me like there is not a problem at all. I feel like maybe he saw something in me that he did not like and that made him realize he wanted her back, but at this point I dont know. I got played and I know that, but its hard to swallow becuase I was falling hard for him. Luckily I have recently moved on from the job because I graduated, but he still wants to contact me! I just dont understand why he still wants to laugh and share moments with me, when she is with him! I tried to ignore him because I dont want to be involved in any type of domestic issues, or even be involved with a guy thats already taken, but I feel like a complete fool when he is around, and its like I’m willing to give up myself so easily for him…I’m utterly confused. Any and all advice would be appreciated.
    Thank you!

  16.  #16Rori Raye on September 19, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Te Lan – can you ask him straight out what’s up? If he’s still into his ex…you must get outta there completely and cut off all contact with him. And – ignoring you is completely unacceptable. I call that a “dumpable” offense. Circular Date and be rid of him. Flirting is an imaginary relationship. Please get CDing and get over him over time…but don’t let it stop you – whatever you’re feeling. Love, Rori

  17.  #17just hurt on October 1, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    i was seeing this guy for i know only 2 months but in this short 2months he managed to get my guards down, and ive started to trust him and developed feelings for him. He introduced me to his friend etc. We have met right after his on and of brake up to his abuse ex, he admitted he still has feelings for. He played me once and i took him back cuz he seemed so genuine. Then yesterday he was going to his hometown to watch a game, he didnt insist on seing me before leaving town. Long story short, i said i wanna come over to say buy he made a huge deal of it for me not to come i knew something was up i drove anyway, only to find out a very angry man who almost trew me out, he insisted i leave cuz hes so angry with me. Long story short later after deying for hrs he admitted his ex came and drove him to the airport. Many nasty texte messages were exchanged after this. I was and still am very hurt cuz of his lies about his ex. He obviously is back with her and wanted to keep me around or maybe i was just a rebound. It just hurts me after all this sweet talk ” i am looking for one woman who can love me for me, open up ur heart and mind to me, i am open for love i am ready to love, i am looking for honesty, loyalty and love etc. after all this talk and not to mention he was all over me the whole time, that he did this to me, i cant understand why?? I know i need to move on and forget but it is so hard since i gave him my trust my body my heart!! I am so hurt and i feel like i can never trust a guy again. I had my gurds up with him the whole time untill he convinced me he was different, but he was not. I know his relationship to his ex will never work out cuz its liek there 3 or 4th break up and he always takes her back cuz he still so loves her. Well anyway ive wrote him couple nasty messages cuz i was so angry and hurt, and he replied some nasty shit back, but then he apologized for lying to me about his ex taking him to the airport.

    I know it all doesnt make any sense and i know i should move on but there is this little hope ive and i still hold on to him in hopes he will come back,and leave her for good, and it will all work out. Am i just being foolish to believe that?
    I did delete his number and everything out of my phone and facebook etc, but i do have this urge to call and talk to him so bad. I need help pls.

  18.  #18Rori Raye on October 2, 2010 at 10:16 am

    just hurt – so sorry – and you are doing great –we’ll all support you in “no contact.” Love, Rori

  19.  #19Helene on October 9, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    I was introduced to my boyfriend 1 year ago and he seemed to sincerely have the hots for me, but his brother, who wanted to have sex with me once in awhile would tell me he was with other girls when I wasn’t there. I lived 2 hours away and was seeing him wk ends (fri night to Sunday usually) plus holidays. He swore he never cheated on me. I sometimes came unexpected to see if he had other girls over and never caught him in the act. When I first dated him, he had admitted being in an on and off relationship for 16 years with one woman (she would leave for 6 months a year, and he’d take her back). He swore he had no feelings for her, but recently (at about the 11 month mark) he took her back after we had a fight. I caught them coming home together after I didn’t hear from him for 5 days, and he came back to me and we took a 10 day vacation which was so amazing and he kept telling me he loved me “so much”. After the vacation we had an argument, he tried desperately to call me the next day but I wasn’t home. I know I should have gone over there, as he had no phone of his own, and his brother kept trying to get them together again (revenge on me for refusing to sleep with him), but I waited for his call (too long) and when I finally went to his place to talk, I was greeted by his ex who attacked me with a stick. Right after this incident he kept calling me, leaving messages to go get him. I thought it could be a trap as she had called the police and place a “no contact” bond on me. Finally he called me again and confirmed he was serious. I went to pick him up away from his home and we spent a month together. Everything seemed great. He “loved me so much”, “wanted to go with me anywhere”, “wanted a good woman” etc., but an argument over my sons tardiness in the morning getting to school when I asked him to cut down on the criticizing and he was on the phone with a niece getting a ride back to his house, and within 2 days back with the ex again. I feel he has just blown all our dreams right out the window. He says he wanted to go to school here, work here, etc but I nag too much. I just don’t get why he keeps taking his old cheater back every time if he “loves me” He still calls me “babe” says I’m still his “babe”.

  20.  #20Rori Raye on October 10, 2010 at 10:02 am

    Helene – There’s so much here, I don’t know where to start. 1. If you’re a nag – start there. You’ll never get the love you want if this is your style. Get the ebook and stick to the 4 Rules and learn how to use Feeling Messages. 2. There’s so much drama here – it seems like a soap opera – and not a pretty one. Ask yourself – is this really all I deserve? A man who doesn’t even have a phone? Who is torn between you and another woman? Can you please start Circular Dating? Love, Rori

  21.  #21Susan on October 11, 2010 at 7:45 pm

    Hi Rori,

    A year ago a guy that I had dated twenty years ago when I was a junior in high school, called me out of the blue. I hadn’t seen him in years. We talked nightly and went out for supper several times. He told me that he wasn’t with his wife any more. So several months later we were talking and something he said didn’t sound right. That’s when he informed me that he wasn’t divorced yet but was in the process. She had cheated on him and was living with that man.

    We continued to see each other. Things were unbelievable good. Then the wife started calling and testing which made him very upset. Then she started using his kids to get to him. He told me that as soon as his divorce came through he wanted to get married. He started making all the plans and told our friends and family. We even bought a couple little calves together.

    Then we got into a disagreement and he left and didn’t come home until the next night after work and said we were done and he wanted my son and I out. Two days later his wife was moved back in. This is tearing me apart on the inside but we my son and I are trying to move on

    The thing that really gets to me is that instead of letting me take the calves since I bought them and all the food he asks that they stay at his place and we will stay in touch for two years until they are ready to go to market. And know he texts and calls almost everyday to talk “about the cows” but it’s not really necessary. And he keeps trying to get me to come out and visit even with his wife there. What is going on??

  22.  #22Rori Raye on October 12, 2010 at 9:04 am

    Susan… – 2 options – give it all up and start fresh. This happens. Walk away. OR – go get the calves and bring them to your place. They’re yours. Go to “small claims” court if need be. (You might have to consult an attorney to make sure they’re still considered yours (if you have documents you paid for them) even though they’re living at his place. Love, Rori

  23.  #23Michelle on October 15, 2010 at 8:27 am

    I have known this guy for about 10 years. We started dating a year ago. Him and his ex of 5 years (on again, off again) were broke up. We moved way to quickly but I am the kind of person who loves with all I have. I guess because we had been friends for so long, I thought I finally had it right. He told me he wanted to be with me forever. So, I ended up selling my house and moving into his. Well, low and behold we just broke up and he is talking to his ex again. If they were on and off for five years, what makes him think that it will work this time. I know he is a good person, he is just not acting like one right now. He told me that I am the only woman that has ever loved him for him and has not tried to change him or control him and that he knows that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him. He said that he loves me to death but is just not in love with me, he wants to be and he’s tried, but he can’t. But now, I feel like I have been replaced so soon. I just don’t understand and I still love him with all of my heart. And he also drinks ALOT and he always lives in his past even though he says she brought out the worst in him. Why would he do that?

  24.  #24Rori Raye on October 15, 2010 at 9:44 am

    Michelle, so sorry – you gambled and lost – and you sound fantastic. I know everyone is telling you to “just move on” and I know that’s easy for us to say…and way more challenging to do. You’ve made a choice here with him that was not your best (the drinking is a clue) – and THAT’S what you can take with you. That YOU are capable of making choices, and that you have way more control than you think. Start Circular Dating, please, even though you don’t feel like it. Targeting Mr. Right will help you, and we’ll be here. Love, Rori

  25.  #25Gail on October 22, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    I have a situation that I need some advice on- 7 almost 8 years ago I dated this guy for 1.5 years. Our chemisty was and is out of this world, we are like a magnet that cannot seperate. I am going through a divorce and he has a girlfriend of 3 years that he lives with. I didn’t look for him, he found me. We are in our mid 30’s so we are not young and dumb. lol. just foolish. So we met up a couple of times just trying to be friends, well the chemistry is so strong and I know I love him and he is my soulmate and I know he knows it to, but he tells me he is scared and confused but yet he emails and texts me everyday, I fall for every word he says cause of my feelings. I am so lost and confused, I don’t want to be the other woman but I don’t want to lose him this time around. He does live with her but he told me he is only happy sometimes. Can you please give me some good advice. What should I be thinking? So lost but so mezmoried by him. Oh and he tells me he misses the way I taste all the time. Please help? Thanks 🙂

  26.  #26Rori Raye on October 23, 2010 at 12:39 am

    Gail – so sorry for your situation – but what he says and what he does are 2 different things. Men leave girlfriends all the time for other women. If he doesn’t chase after you, he doesn’t. What you need to do is Circular Date and forget about him – until he decides to move forward. Love, Rori

  27.  #27tash on November 3, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    i met my boyfriend three years ago and have been together since,we have had our share of ups and downs but its kind of stressing me out that we are on and off most of the time.when i met him he was newly from a relationship of 8 months,then i had a kid with him a year later,unfortunately nwe lost the baby after 4 months,we were both devastated. he 1 time cheated on me,i found out and we talked and i decided to forgive and forget,then after a while i realised he did something with his ex while we were together,i again decided to forgive him. just about 2 months ago we had a little problem with our accomodation and as i moved to go stay with my sister we agreed that he has to go and stay at his parents place , only to have him go back to his ex and have the guts to tell me about it and tell my sister that he is back with the lady,all this while he claims to love me to bits.now after crying and begging,and trying to put some sense in his head, he says he is leaving the girl and coming back to me.i know i begged him to come back but im having second thoughts abouyt taking him back.is he doing it because he realises he loves me or he feels sorry for me, or just wanna use me, please help….

  28.  #28Kat on November 16, 2010 at 12:59 am

    Hey..I known this guy for a month and half who made our selves in a relationship to quick. But he has a lot of girls as a friend..Also a bestfriend who he only brings up when I’ve argued with him a few times. I would say “Im finding someoneelse” just to hurt him and he would say ” He already has somebody who is normal and is his bestfreiend..now go find your man because I have my girl”. The second time..was wen I created a page on face book to see what he was saying which wasn’t cool..but he would not add me before from my page. When he found out it was me in the fake page. He said some cruel things on face book. “Gemini are only Hi and sex nothing more that’s it no relationship” Im a Gemini. Then he said “Would it be bad if you have a girlfriend but someon.eelse is your favorite person” which heclearified was his bestfriend. Theres pics of him and her all over face book and hers even though she has a boyfriend. They’ve known eachother for three years. Now when I comfronted him about her he got very mad and said “Don’t ever talk about my Bestie like that..You don’t know her” Are they together?
    I never met her but seen her pic..he told me he would introduce me before that..but he’s quiet now. On face book when he was mad t me..she told him “forget her” She is probably telling him negative things about me to keep him. Now he won’t take my apology because he said I insultedhim..when I said
    “Men only are bestfriends with a girl only if he wants to be with her or he’s gay” But he never addressed if he had feeling s with her. I felt I shouldn’t of apolagized ..because I’ve noticed I’ve apolagized for evey fight just to make it right. He talked through tex but didn’t repond through my apology..he wasn’t texting me back after the fight but hedid answer his phone everytime I called. I just didn’t have anything to say..he said he didn’t want to see me when I asked to see him..he was insulted. Today was when I text him but after a few wrds after the apology he stopped. what does that also mean?

  29.  #29Rori Raye on November 16, 2010 at 9:11 am

    Kat, Welcome – and what a complicated arrangement. This is going to be harsh…don’t read if you don’t want to hear: The thing is – nothing means anything. Either you like it or you don’t. This is called a “dealbreaker.” Some women would be fine with this. I wouldn’t be one of those, and you’re obviously not because you’re spending all this time and energy and creepy underhanded maneuvering (like the fake Facebook page) to try to get him to be different from the way he is. Give it up and Circular Date. Love, Rori

  30.  #30Kat on November 16, 2010 at 11:47 am

    I am circular dating now. I realize tnat and im not one of those wo =men I don’t like it at all. The thingis I apoligized to him yesterday and I feel like a complete idiot for doing that. what am I apolagizing for if im right you know. I always say sorry to him. The question I have is how can I get my power back. we go to the same school.what to do to notmake him feel like a king now that I apolagized? How can I get my power back? and last do you also think there together? im not ever going back but I wanna know thanks.

  31.  #31bittersweet on November 23, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    ok please help me;

    i met this guy who was a family member of a guy friend i was close for many years; when i first met him i didnt think he was cute and was not attracted to him at all, so i know for a fact that what made him insist on wanning to date me was that i kept saying no, well after talking for a few weeks i noticed he was such a sweetheart, if i said i was hungry he’ll send a delevery to my house payed for, my phone was connected because he would put minutes on my phone just to talk to me, he even wanted me to move into his house but i didnt,his ex sent me emails like 3 different times and he will seriously curse her out and tell her hes not gonna leave me for her and all that stuff so i really thought he was over her, keep in mind they were going to have a baby together and she lost the belly at 7month, well i moved a little too fast and had sex with him after a month, after that everything changed he didnt let me see his phone, the cute text ended the calls faded and the attention faded aswell , he said is because i would argue too much but i always had a reason when i did argue, he just simply didnt seem to care, i broke up with him, and less then a week later he moved her back into his house, and while he was with her he still hit me up and said he loved me and wanted to be with me and that sorry for all the thing i “think” he did, he was drunk and put on his away ” idc if you block me” cuz i blocked him for a few days, so i dont understand does he care or no?, i think hes happier with her, i actually think hes possibly inlove with her , i just want an advice on whats best to do, im glad hes happy but it hurts that she makes him happier then i ever did.

  32.  #32Rori Raye on November 23, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    bittersweet…oMG – I’ve been there! You thing because he’s “not your type” it couldn’t possibly turn out badly. I’ve had that backfire many times. So – the cure? It wasn’t the SEX that did it – it was the INVESTMENT. It was seeing ONLY him. It was exclusivity. It was the Girlfriend Trap. If you Circular Date and refuse to be a “girlfriend” (unless you’re young, not looking for long-term and can handle a non-forever situation) this will not happen to you again. (Okay, you can still be fooled – but your risk is so much less..) I don’t know what went on here, how much you need to learn about how to be with a man to optimize things –but I hope you have at least my ebook to start you off. Love, Rori

  33.  #33bittersweet on November 23, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    i did date him, i had sex with him after we started dating.

  34.  #34Sam on November 24, 2010 at 8:40 am

    My boyfriend and I have been together for five months. Things started getting physical pretty soon after we started dating but I’ve known him for about 5 years. We just celebrated out 5 month anniversary and I found text messages on his phone too and from his ex fiance. He gave her the world and she broke his heart. But they said that he loved and missed her and hers said the same to him. But she broke up with her boyfriend to be with him and when I found the text messages I told him I was leaving him. I was/am devastated. He begged me not to leave him and that it was just a confusing point in his life. He said he’s deeply in love with me and I am helping him slowly and surely get over her. He told me that he wants to marry me and all of these things. He texted her right in front of me and told her that he was choosing me and that I’m the one that makes him happy. I’m crazy in love with him and chose to stay with him and try to work through it. I also have a three year old daughter that’s crazy about him. What I need to know is, how am I supposed to trust him again? I want so badly to trust him, but I just keep thinking about it. It’s making me crazy. What should I do?

  35.  #35Rori Raye on November 24, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Sam – so sorry for your situation, and if I were you, I’d hang in there. BUT – simply ask him if he’s still not sure – if you should be dating other men until he IS sure. Your job is to stay COOL and SANE. Nothing counts until he puts a ring on your finger and stands at the altar with you – nothing he says matters…the best thing you can do for yourself is to give him the freedom to do whatever he wants – still treat him gloriously and don’t get mad (work that out by not putting too much energy into the relationship with him – just being warm and loving and cool when you’re with him – but FLIRT out there so you keep your options open somewhat. this is a process and a procedure. Start now and see how it works. Love, Rori

  36.  #36TangerineDreams on December 13, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    I started dating my boyfriend 8 months ago. Well continually he keeps texting, calling, emailing her behind my back and I read some of the emails. He tells her she is his twin flame, Hes in love with her, at the same time he is telling me the same stuff. She is states away from us but they are from the same home town. He tells me its over and they are just friends and that it is just a spiritual connection. This hurts me so much. I left my job, my home and relocated with this guy to his new job. I feel like an idiot staying with him. Now he turned off our Cell phones and says there is no contact but I dont trust it still. I know he can access email at work. I’m not stupid. He takes all my communications away. She and I chatted back and forth and she swears there is nothing there but she continues to make up new emails so they can stay one step ahead of me.
    🙁 I feel cheated so much after I left everything I had to start new with this guy.
    What do I do? I try to say lets break up and he crys and swears up and down he loves me and wants only me and even curses her.

  37.  #37Rori Raye on December 14, 2010 at 8:56 am

    Tangerine – this guy is a piece of work. Figure out what to do – stay in his city and with him but Circular Dating, or leave. Love, Rori

  38.  #38Heartbroken on December 16, 2010 at 3:44 am

    Hi Rori, I am going through a separation at the moment its been about 6 months but my realationship is finished 7 years ago when my husband started to treat me like a dirt. My husband hurt me and even met someone else never show me any love or a care i have been the punching bag of my relationship and now finaly i have left him. Its been about 6 months now we split up i even met this lovely guy who was so sweet to me, he was also separated from his wife about 11 months ago.We met through close family he is very close to my family and about month ago we all went out it was a very nice night he show me lots of interest by talking with me all night and even making little coments about taking me out. He caried on doing that few times when i saw him he was trying to show me a interest but now i found out that he went back to his wife after 11 months and i am so confused was he never interested with me, was i a joke, a bit of fun or is it the way i acted made him think i was not interested. I was very shy around him because i liked him so much please help i am so confused.Thanks

  39.  #39Rori Raye on December 16, 2010 at 11:37 am

    Heartbroken – Here’s the deal – you need healing inside yourself, and you need experience with men. If you stayed with a man who treated you so badly, you will continue trying to punish yourself. Circular Dating is a healing Tool that will get you experience, and I totally would like to encourage you to get professional help. Kathryn Tull – http://www.NextBoldStep.com is a specialist in abused women – and that’s you. She was there once, too…Love, Rori

  40.  #40Brittany on December 21, 2010 at 6:09 am

    I have been dating this guys on and off for over a year about 2 months ago I found out he was in contact with his ex still. Prior to that when we were off he started seeing her again and slept with her. I know she isnt happy about me seeing him because she left a note on my car saying stay away from my boyfriend slut. I cant be mad at him for her reaction because he has no control over her. What I am upset about is his actions dont match his words. Everything will be going great then he gets distant and we dont talk for a couple days and everytime we break up within 2 weeks he is texting me constantly. I did confront him a while ago about his ex and I said I would not be the other girl or for that matter one of the girls. He said he doesnt love her but she does live a lot closer than me for the time being. I am in th eprocess of buying a house out that way because I work out there will that make a difference. I care depply for him its the way he looks at me with his eyes I can tell he loves me its when we are apart I think he questions everything. We did end it about a month ago out of the blue and he has been contacting me and he told me he bought me a x-mas present and wants to meet up and give it to me. I know for sure since our break up he has seen and slept with his ex who is crazy. I dont know what to say or do I know I cant do the back and forth thing anymore its unhealthy and I know I deserve more. But my question is, is there anything I can do or say or not do and say to get him to commit to me and only me.
    Any advice please help,

  41.  #41Anna on December 21, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    Hi Rori i need your advice, me & my ex boyfriend broke up at the beginning of november we were together 2 years and have a 2 month old and i have two kids from a previous relationship, he said he felt he missed his ex which he’s been seperated from her for 3 years now and they have two small children 5 & 6. he told me he felt he needed to try again with her and see where they can go, since she found out about me she never left him alone and always made him feel guilty about being away from the kids because of me and my kids etc .. well he moved out into her moms house where she lives about a week ago, he just took his two tv’s and some clothes and he tells me so far its been good he likes coming home and playing with the kids, he told me they are still just talking not officially together and just taking it slow, yesterday he started to tell me he missed me and bringing up memories of us and now comes to see me and the baby andis so nice to me now.. what do i do i want him to come back to us but now sure how to handle this situation, ive tried circular dating a bit to get my mind off of him and i havent been negative just positive feelings and seems like he likes being around me more , but still leaves to go home with her and it hurts so bad after he leaves what do i do?

  42.  #42Rori Raye on December 21, 2010 at 8:36 pm

    Anna – Hi, and I don’t like this man at all. Does he act like a good father to your baby? I would make sure you get child support, and get away from him as fast as you can, and start being a single mom dating other men. Love, Rori

  43.  #43Rori Raye on December 21, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    Brittany – this man is not ready to commit to anyone. Wouldn’t you rather be with a man who only wants to be with you? So you don’t have to DO anything to make him want to be there? Love, Rori

  44.  #44Victoria on December 27, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Hi Rori- I have just had the worst Christmas of my life! I have been with my current boyfriend 2+ years. We have a daughter who is seven months and he has two daughters with his ex. He and his ex broke up fours years ago because she cheated on him. I was not a part of the picture until we started dating. His ex is very immature and will do anything to destroy our relationship. I don’t believe my boyfriend is Mr. Innocent either. The whole time I have been with him, we have had issues pertaining to his ex. Over the holidays he sent her a text saying he missed her. He did this last holiday too. I don’t what else was said nor do I care to know. I told him that we do not have to be with each other and he can do what he pleases but he insists he wants to be with me. We are in counseling together trying to work it out. However, after this incident… I absolutely have lost what little trust is there. I am sick of feeling like my Child and I are second to his ex. He is taking her to court for custody of the two girls who currently live with us full time. At this point I don’t know what to do. He said he is going to block her number from his cell phone so that they can’t text and she has to call to house phone to talk. Also, he is going to drop and pick up the child at a safe drop off place where other people are there to watch. I HATE this and I hate how it has come to this point. I am so lost and have no idea what to do… Can you please help.

  45.  #45Rori Raye on December 27, 2010 at 4:45 pm

    Victoria – you’re going about this all wrong!!! You need to embrace his children, and embrace his efforts to make it go smooth with his children…and IGNORE anything he does to try to make it go smooth – UNLESS you really feel he’s still into her more than he is you. Is counseling illuminating that one issue? Love, Rori

  46.  #46parry on January 2, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    hi Rori
    Here is background on my ex, she was married with a guy for years and could not have kids, the man was not fertile after much medicine nothing worked, then she started an affair with a married man got preagnant and want back to marriage told her it was his baby, 2 yrs later they divorce and tell him the baby was not his, she then started again with this married man as he was seperated and she is pregnant again when she lives him coz he was cheating, 2 years later she meets me and we dated for 5 yrs , then into out 3rd year my parents came in from overseas to stay with me and things went little roller coaster as they did not want me to marry her and they made me do an arranged marriage which i did and got out of it later 2 months into it, i never slept with her, smy gf was still around and we talked and met up all the time , she knew i was going thru a divorce as my ex wife had moved to another state where we did not know, she then told me she was reached for the kids father as they are asking for him and i got upset about it and we did not talk for a few days then we did talk but not on that topic , then one day txt me she loves me then we get in a small argument then we stopped talking then when i reach out for her she refuses to answer her phone, she emails me she is done with me , but i found out that the baby daddy has made his move in on her after 9 yrs he has nothing to to with her or the kids, i dont know what to do and why she dumped me all of a sudden for this baby daddy and she is in love with him… now after all this time i am confused now please help

  47.  #47cocoa on January 2, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    I have kids 2, with a guy ,who was and still is with a woman hes been with for 21 years.he never took me nowhere. he had to sneak to see me ,and now our kids.he hsnt been over here in a year to see the kids, because of her. we live down the street from ech other.in housing complex. everyone can see him if he tries to sneak up here. my kids last sw him in july 2010? he wont spek ,or hug them if he is in front of their house.only in passing, and away from his house. she ,has grandchild,who isnt biologiclly his grnd child, whom he adores.my kids hve never met his family, not even the kids ,he hs with her down the street,well one of their sisters ,played with once.she wasfriends with my oldest daughter.but it hurts seeing their father with the grnddaughter,and he cant acknowledge his own kids with me.he takes that girl around the family.i sometimes find it hard to even pray for him.i wish i could tell this entire story in detail.what should i tellmy kids,if they ever ask me.why do our daddy ignor us?,h e is bonded with those kids?

  48.  #48Rori Raye on January 3, 2011 at 11:19 am

    parry – I want to welcome you and help you – and yet, this blog is essentially for women. Traditionally, we welcome men and love to hear your voices – and I actually discourage ‘advice-giving” and encourage expressing, journaling, feeling. So I’ll say this…if she dumped you for another man – there’s no point in trying to figure it out. Move on. Now. Perhaps the community here would like to support you…if so, you’re very fortunate to have landed in a kind, compassionate, smart group of women here. I would give this same advice to drop this woman and move on to any woman. Love, Rori

  49.  #49Rori Raye on January 3, 2011 at 11:22 am

    Hi all – something just happened – and about 5 comments in moderation got deleted as I was typing, and I can’t retrieve them – awful feeling — so – If you wrote for the first time, and it didn’t show up today here –please try again…Love, Rori

  50.  #50unknown on January 7, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    i rently got a place with ex but he wants to date others whats going on we are friends with benefits and we take care of eachother, i play house wife while he goes to work. we broke up 6 months ago but stayed with eachother, and got a new place 3months ago. reason why we broke up is his ex came back but now she is gone and we only sleep and go out together…..no other girl but he warns me that he wants to date around soon. he treats me good but i m confused…why is he doing this? he says im perfect but from how he talks, i guess im not good enough for him even though we have great times together

  51.  #51Loyalty on January 17, 2011 at 12:14 am

    I have been broken up from my ex fiance/baby daddy for 2 1/2 years we were 2gether 3 1/2 yrs. I broke up with him becuz he cheated, he begged and begged for me to take him back but I was just so hurt and nervous to trust him again. I love him always, and always still had feelings for him but I just feel with him not having me back he will learn to be loyal. I dated but I had no feelings for n e 1. He begged for a year and I wldnt give him the time or day unless it was about our kids. He eventually gave up after a year and now he has a girlfriend of 3 months. I told him I was ready to be with him and still have feelings for him and would like us to be a family again. I’m single with no one becuz my heartis still with him. He told me he moved on and doesn’t have feelings for me n e more cuz I showed no interest and loves me cuz I’m his baby momma, he sounded so careless. He says he’s in a serious relationship and is in love. How after 3 months? I told him I was never gonna bother him again about us and I am moving on as he has. Everything will just consist of Our kids. I’m so hurt and can’t stop thinkin about him, is it becuz I’m lonely am I jealous? Is he paying me back or is he really over me with no feelings? How can I get over him, something makes me feel he will come back to me which makes it hard for me to move on. What should I do? How do I have feelings and he don’t?

  52.  #52Violet on January 23, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    I am a newbie at this site. I had mentioned in a previous post that I recently met a man and we agreed to remain exclusive to ‘see where things go.’
    He is separated, headed for divorce, and seems settled towards having this happen.
    He also indicated that none of this is a factor in having us get to know each other and see where things go.
    At first, he was all gung ho, talking this and that and acting excited. Since then, I’ve sensed a withdrawel on his part.
    I was at his place this evening and asked him straight out if he had bitterness and unforgiveness in his heart towards his soon to be ex-wife. He said that he does and couldn’t give 100% towards ‘us’ at this time because of this.
    I said that I was willing to give 100% and won’t be with someone who can’t do the same.
    I didn’t feel angry, I didn’t act angry. I got home, called him up and told him that I’m not going to have hard feelings about this and hope he didn’t either.
    I said that I deserve someone who is able and willing to give me 100% because I know that is what I deserve.
    I’m open to any comments, questions, suggestions regarding what I’ve said.
    I look at this as a learning experience and thank you for supporting me as I support all of you,

    ~ Violet ~

  53.  #53Violet on January 23, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    Hello, Everyone!
    This year is a new year! I’ve come into my own, making better decisions based on what is right for me. This has enabled me to embody self confidence and exude that towards others.
    Reading comments here has reinforced the knowledge that we deserve nothing but the best. There is no reason to except anything less than that.
    God loves me just the way I am. Therefore, there isn’t room for negativity to be more important.

  54.  #54Jane on January 23, 2011 at 8:23 pm

    Violet, I was in the exact same situation as you, but I allowed me heart to get wrapped up in the relationship even though we were just “seeing where it went.” I wish I could have been so cool about it as you were.

  55.  #55Jane on January 23, 2011 at 8:33 pm

    I have been a single parent for 17 years and my child is going off to college in 6 months. I’ve been dating during that time but never finding a relationhsip to last more than 1 year. I just met a gentlman who wants to build a relationship around activities, church, home life and family. He has informed me he doesn’t want sex until at least 3 months into the relationship. I’m just not used to thinking like that, but I know he is a respectful man if he thinks like that. I have no idea how to be in a relationship like that, but I want that. It’s freezing cold outside, so what activities can we possibly do indoors that don’t include sex? Also, between going to school and work, he typically catches up on sleep and homework on the weekends. I don’t want to feel like I am his maid that comes to his home on the weekends to help with his housework. Any ideas?

  56.  #56Violet on January 24, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Re… 55

    It sounds like his contribution towards any relationship is going to be limited.

    What do YOU want?

    Since you don’t want to feel like his maid, then don’t be one.

  57.  #57Violet on January 24, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Weekday Update: I contacted the man I mentioned in a previous post.

    He told me that what I said made him think about things and take action towards closure in a past relationship.

    I still want to see him and visa-versa. Neither one of us are ready to walk away from this. There’s no denying that we have something between us.

    Things need to die down a bit. Meanwhile, back at the ranch… I’ll be okay no matter what happens because I know what I want in the long run.

    Thank you for reading this,

    ~ Violet ~

  58.  #58laura on February 8, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    My problem is with my childs father. We were not dating when we conceived, yet I have always been the one with the huge crush on him. It wasnt until our child was a year and a half that he realized he had feelings for me. Since then it has been a rotation of him declaring he LIKES me, me giving into this, and him cutting me off a week or a few weeks later, to go back to his ex. He has done this about three times. They have a horrible relationship that has been on and off every couple months for the entire three years. My friends tell me he obviously is just not ready to settle down with someone who he has a child with because that is very REAL, and with her he can go back and forth. The first few times, I did buy into his game and I did sleep with him. Now I am much smarter and this most recent time he said that he was “done” with her and he still really likes me but does not want to hurt me because of his confusion. This time I did not buy into the physical part but I have recently found out he is talking to the ex again. I know that he is not mature in any way, it is just very hard to let him go. I have started to try to see other men. Is this a lost cause. Why is it he will keep telling me these things, if he does not really mean them?

  59.  #59Miyanda on February 25, 2011 at 4:13 pm

    I went out with this guy for like 3 months but then he cheated on me with his ex and he left me for her. I forgave him and moved on from all that. he went back with his ex without telling me, i just used to see them together all the time, this hurt me alot. so instead i forgave him again. 2 months ago they broke up and now he says he wants me back. I still love him so much but then something is telling me not to go back because he still hangs out with her and goes to her house and they still talk. Im not cool with it but he tells me he still cares about her. I don’t know if i should just move on and forget about him.

  60.  #60shilpi on March 1, 2011 at 11:30 am

    hey how can i post my problems to you.

  61.  #61Deanna jean on March 13, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    Been hanging out with this guy for over a year. Last week he did something that I thought was very rude. He invited me over for a bbq, just him and me, when he gotta call from one of his friends ( a couple hrs later), that he was waiting to hear from since the day before, inviting him to come party with them (kind of a guys night out-and checking girls out I’m very sure). So even though he didn’t say it in a mean way, basically my hangout time with him was over cuz he wanted to get ready to go out with them. So I told him why did he even invite me if there was the possibility that he would get this call back to go out? ( I havent seen him for 2-3 wks at this point and looked forward to hanging out with him this night). I mean, he was ironing his clothes and everything to look extra good. This is the 1st time we didn’t spend the whole night together. We only hang out 2-3 times a month as it is and he is the only guy I do hang out with. I like him alot. He told me I was being weird and to not take this so personally. But this bothered me, as I sat there watching him get ready. It was hurtful but I didn’t say anything else… not a hug goodbye either. He told me to drive safe and went on his way and I went back home. I’m afraid IF he does get in touch to hang out again that I’ll probably go, but don’t know if I should.

  62.  #62Daria on March 13, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    Deanna Jean – he is treating u as a friend – that’s something you Don’t want.

    Your self esteem is low – you didn’t speak up with your feelings and don’t trust yourself to ‘not go’

    You must stop going to men. Let them come to you, take you on dates instead of hang out

    Get Roris book – it is 20 or so on the right. That will give you the basics,

    I can give you a discount I think if u want to buy it thru me
    affiliate … Email me at magicgoddessmedicinewoman@gmail.com

    Also, most don’t check all posts…

    So to have someone read and respond,

    Comment under the newest Rori post at blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com

  63.  #63nikki on March 21, 2011 at 1:43 am

    i have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now and when i met him he was involed in a relatioship and i was ending my relationship with my ex boyfriend. my current boyfriend was there to console me and keep my mind off the break. i grew feelings for him and the feelings where mutual at this time he broke up with his girlfriend and days later we began dating. months later (like 7 mths or so) he expressed to me there is a possiblity he might have a baby on the way. the next month september the baby was born, NO DNA test was taking he just took responsiblity and stated this was his child. Though im not fond of being in a relationship with a guy with a baby i stuck it out with him because the love i have for him. After days of the baby being in this world the mother of the child requested to meet me, i then agreed because it is understandable if im going to be around her child she should get to know me, but this meeting turned around for the worst she called me ever name out of the book that you can imagine, she has made my life a living hell. When it began to be too much for me i told my boyfriend i cant anymore, 3 days later i missed my period and found out i was pregnant. He begged me to keep the baby and told me he will be by my side and this will be an effort to keep our relatioship going. In reality, i think this pregnacy only made our relationship turn for the worst. At this time we got our own place while i was at work, he was sleeping with the mother of his child in our house, sleeping with her in my car, etc. When i later found out he confessed and apologize to me i assumed everything will be okay in time. I had my son we parted for the first 3mths and his daughetrs mother took his daughter away for him for a whole year. We are finally on good terms. finally his daughter mother lets him be involed in his daughters life. But our relationship is going down the drain, we havent had sex in 4 months and he turnes his phone off at night snd when he is around me and i recently seen sexually textmessages between him and his baby mother. At this point, i am so freaking frustrated but not sure im ready to letting things go. But it seems as though he has a connect more with her but i think since his family hates her that is perventing him from being with her but constantly running to her and hurting me. Feels like a three way love affair. What do you suggest would be the best solotion in an issue like this?

  64.  #64Isabella on March 24, 2011 at 10:10 am


    I have been dating a guy for over a year. The first few months were casual as we were both dating other people, I told him on two occasions that if he still loves his ex, he should go back. He kept telling me no that he does not want her, but he still loved her and wanted to help her but was not “in love with her”. She had been keeping him on a string saying maybe we can get back together but not now.

    The past few months we have become exclusive and have become close. Two weeks ago he told me that she said she wanted to get back together and he is concidering it. He hasnt made a decision as yet. He said he initiated the final contact to tell him that he was moving on and that she said no but then once he cut off all contact she decided to call him to get him back.

    He said he hasnt made a decision as yet but he is leaning towards going back because he has been depressed since the breakup. I am heartbroken and dont know if I should push him away completely or try to be his friend. He hasnt come and gotten his stuff and he still has my key and we have seen each other once since we had the conversation.

    Confused and dont know what to do. I dont want to let go.

  65.  #65Sandra on April 10, 2011 at 1:34 am

    Hi, i ve known this guy for 7 years now – i can say i know him more than anyone else in the world. 7 years ago we had started dating – we were both very young and lasted for abt a year. until this very day we have been on-and-off.

    We have both have other bfs/gfs – but personally I was never able to replace him. No one is as good as him – i end up thinking abt him while with other guys and comparing how d other is way better than any present ones. It also turns out that he felt the same (he told me before i admitted i feel the same way).

    Im confused. No one makes me feel gd being around him as he does. and i know he does love me – all his friends know this as well. Right now we’re together – but im scared that we end up breaking up again like the other times. – He says that this time -nothing will interfere.
    Note that on the whole – the previous breakups were quite stupid and werent due to any big deals or cheating issues. More like impatience.

    What should i do? thanks

  66.  #66Brittany p on April 11, 2011 at 3:36 am

    Hi Rori
    I dated this guy for 2 months I met himon New years 2011. I didn’t even like him at first because he wasn’t my type but then he kept on trying so hard to take me on a date so I did. Few weeks go by and I started falling really hard for this guy I even got pregnant by him but had to get a abortion for many reasons. Anyways the point is sround the time of the abortion he started acting funny despearing four nights in a row and eventually stoPped calling me for two days so I sucked up my pride and called him from my friends phone cuz my phone died when he heard my voice he hung up…:( the next day he radomly called me and was talkin to me like nothin happend…so the next day we hung out talked about why he vanished etc then we went to his house and I discovered a hair clip next to his bed turns out he been hagin out with his ex and tells me he doesn’t want her he wants me and he’s gonna stop complete contact withh her….turns out his ex saw me driving his car and contacted him. Anyways I looked thru his phone while he was asleep and saw he was ignoring her. But then again he wasn’t hugging me and would just go right to sleep then the next day when we woke up he drove me home with this mean awkerd silence …..point is he broke up with me in a text because I called him so he said “don’t ever call me again you played yourself the other night anyways your very ugly I can do better” funny thing is I didn’t do nothing the other night just look thru his phone and I promise you I’m not ugly At all! Smh he is people tell me I’m to pretty for him…but I don’t care I still liked him a lot. 🙁 I just wanna know how to get rid of this feeling

  67.  #67Broken Heart on April 11, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    Hi Rori,
    Ok, where do i start? Well i worked with a guy for a few years and we became buddies…then we both started having problems at home with our spouses and both our spouses wanted to divorce each of us (so they said) and one thing led to another between him and I. Well an affair began and eventually we both got caught and we both left our spouses and carried on a 2-1/2 year relationship…lived together for 8 months. He never introduced me to his children however he lived with me and my child. His kids knew about me and obviously didnt like me. He had to go away for 3 months and when he returned, he didnt seem as loving…his ex wife is always giving him the guilt trip and not allowing him to see his children…they werent even allowed to step foot in my house even if i wasnt there. She had boyfriend and still would continuously make my boyfriend feel guilty. Well my boyfriend eventually turned to drugs (speed to be exact) and i caught him a few times and he swore he would never do it again…blah blah blah. I got fed up. He also became more and more distand towards the last two months of our relationship and he wouldnt come home at nights on the weekends. Part of me thinks he was with his ex wife, but he says no. Anyway, one morning he come home after being out all night and I took his keys and told him that he will not get his truck keys back until his truck is packed up. I love him with all my heart but i just couldnt take his B.S. anymore. I know he loves me but he felt torn between us. Well come to find out, he went back to his ex and kids. I totally understand for the kids, but for him to go back to this girl who supposedly didnt want him and always threw divorce in his face, thats why “we” happened…it just doesnt make sense. I would never go back to my ex husband because eventually he would throw my ex boyfriend in my face…not only that, but i dont want to go back to my past. My ex boyfriend rely’s on woment to take care of him and it is so irritating. I love him but i know he isnt good for me. Anyway, two weeks ago he sent me a message saying “I love you so much. I’m sorry.” We have been broken up for a month and a half and the whole time he denied going back to her…then two days after i received the I love you message, i saw them together. Now he is being so mean via text saying he hates my guts, etc. I finally changed my number because i take it anymore. However, i am soooo hurt. I also don’t understand how that girl can take him back after him being with me for two and half years. She supposedly was in a wonderful relationship too. How do i move on from this? It hurts so much knowing he went back to her but he still says he loves me. He said he went back to her because he hates me (out of spite) for kicking him out and not being there for him when he was using drugs. However i was there for him, i gave him 6 chances…i took care of him for the most part.

  68.  #68Erica Ware on April 12, 2011 at 10:58 am

    I met a guy about a year and a half ago. We dated for about a month, then kind of drifted apart for about a month. He called me about a month later and we developed this kind of friendship where we both shared details about our current dating situations. He told me he recently moved in with a woman who was a cokehead and he believed was bipolar because she would be happy one minute, then throw a temper tantrum the next over simple arguments. I was there for him as a friend over the next several months. He said he didn’t want to have to move back in with his parents (as he lost his job)and was going to try to stick it out with this woman. He finally had enough drama that he moved out of the woman’s house and moved back in with his parents in January of this year. In February, we were talking on a daily basis. Our friendship developed into more. He recently told me he loved me. But the ex girlfriend still rides by his house and calls him. I am not insecure and tried to be understanding that he was not trying to hurt her by telling her about me. Here recently, his phone has been off for hours at a time. I suspected it had something to do with her. He told me that he needs to move to get away because she is too close and causes too much drama. This morning when I called him, he answered but I could hear her screaming in the background. He told me to be patient and he will handle things. I don’t want to pressure him. But I also don’t want to be a pushover.

  69.  #69lisa on April 19, 2011 at 4:42 am

    I was talking to this guy whilst he was going out with his girlfriend and he said thing were not too great and that he was finding the right time to end it, he eventually did and asked me to meet up with him and i did (we went to the cinema) it was a lovely experience and i was really able to bond with him and get to know him more. This was the first time that i had ever met him in person. we had previously been talking before hand for about 1 month. whilst at the cinema he told me that he liked me and that he wanted to get to know me more and obviously i felt the same was as he did. it was lovey we had kisses and cuddles and were holding each others hand and that it felt like were were a proper couple. i unfortunatly live 20 mins away from him to i had to pop on the train back home he walked to to the train station and waited with me for the train to arrive, whilst sitting there he told me that he still liked his girlfriend who he had only broken up with a week before hand so i totally undrstood it did however shook me that he was telling me that considering he knew how i felt about him (and him to) he bent around and toldme that he had a lovely evening which i was happy he did. i then had to get on the train and he departed me with a kiss, which i was more than choffed to recieve. i texted him hoping that he had a lovely evening and hoping that he would get home ok, and he however was more worried about my safety and asked me if he lived up to my expectations (which he more than did) and he in return said that he thought i was lovely aswell… a few days passed where we gradualy became distant as i thought i would give him somespace to get over his gf and not push him on to hard (previously to thins i asked him if he felt i was pushing him on to quickly and he said no) i then managed to pluck up the corrage 4 days later and text him explaining why and he in turn said he might be getting back with his ex nad told me that he didnt know what he wanted when he said that he liked me to me.. bu you obviously wouldnt say something unless you meant it right? and that there would be no opportunity … but he said he liked me i dont get it!!… he is now back with his gf and i have no text him since this incident as i dont know how to feel and above all else act, he is both a lovely and genuine guy and he did not try anything on with me the whole evening which was very gentlemanly off him .. i was wondering if you could help me

    Lisa xx

  70.  #70Jen on May 2, 2011 at 11:37 am

    Hi Rori-
    So this guy and I met two years ago at work. We were both dating other people in serious relationships, but we became really good friends. I mean we didn’t hang out a lot because both of our significant others were really jealous. So in December he broke up with his girlfriend. I called him and told him if he needed anything I was here. Well he never really talked about it until a month ago. He randomly texted me to see how I was doing and we started talking. Eventually he came over to my apartment one Sunday night to hang out. We had a lot of fun. We just had some drinks and watched TV. He stayed the night and he asked me to cuddle with him. I didn’t see much of a problem with it, cause it was just cuddling and that’s all it was. When my boyfriend found out though he was really upset and broke up with me. He begged me to come back 2 days later and I told him no because I was sick of having my life controlled. It was a very emotionally abusive relationship. So this guy friend and I started hanging out some more. He came over the day after I told my ex no to getting back together and told me he thought I was gorgeous and kissed me. I was really happy because he’s a really nice guy. We hung out again a week later and ended up having sex. We did it again two more times that week. The day after the third time he texted me and said that he was feeling really bad about having sex, that it was sinful and we shouldn’t do it anymore. Well I agreed with him on that that it was too soon. But it still bothered me so the next day I texted him and confronted him about it. I told him I felt like I was used and asked if he liked me for more than just sex. He replied saying that yes he liked me but didn’t feel like it was fair for him to like someone right now because he wasn’t over his ex (the one HE broke up with in Dec.). We continued texting and set up times to hang out but he always came up with excuses not to. He was sick, or it was too late, or his parents would get suspicious. But whenever we were texting he would talk about how badly he wanted to hang out with me, Then today I texted him because he was talking about coming to see me. He said he didn’t feel like hanging out with anyone right now, because his ex came over last night and they talked. He says he doesn’t want to be with anyone else but her until he figures stuff out with her. I really really like this guy we have a lot in common! I just don’t know if I should forget about him and let him come to me or if I should confront him again and tell him how I’m feeling used. What should I do?

  71.  #71Sam on May 5, 2011 at 11:27 am

    My ex was with me 7 months we had a on and off relationship as he kept saying he’s been hurt from an ex girlfriend. He also mentioned he was married and has split up with his wife who he never loved as it was arrange marriage but has 3 kids. Recently he told me he’s getting back with his ex wife saying they never divorced and he needs to get back with her so he can stop paying thousands a month for child support as he’s heading towards bankruptcy. He said he’s sorry for pain caused and that he feels suffocated in the relationship with her. I’ve stopped speaking to him saying I wish him best but I’m really hurt he says he really loves me and I don’t know what to do and weather he’ll ever contact me and what I should do if he does.

  72.  #72Alex on May 7, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    hi, I was involved in a love triangle with this guy and his girlfriend. We hung out, the three of us, and did everything together. I considered this guy my best friend, we saw everything eye to eye. soon we started flirting, non intentionally, and then one day it became obvious to his girlfriend that we had feelings for each other. They were very on again off again throughout the whole period. So they fought and had a break up and the guy and I hooked up. It was perfect. for a few weeks we went to movies and hung out like usual. We did everything like best friends and were so happy. He told me he did not love her and never had. He had been telling me that for almost a year. Then one day he stopped talking to me. The night before we had been together and then he wouldn’t reply to any of my texts. At first I was worried but then a few weeks later I found out he was back with his ex. It has now been a month and I saw him today. we talked casually and then I asked him why he stopped talking to me. He got all choked up and couldn’t give me a straight answer. I love him and I can’t stop thinking about him. Every song on the radio reminds me of him and I just want him back, at least back as my best friend. What do I do?

  73.  #73Paula on May 10, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    Hi Rory,
    I feel like such a fool. I have known this man for 13 years and he and I were friend for many of them where I saw him through his ability to beat drug addiction. I also saw him cheat on al of his exes. Anyway, we ended up in what I thought was a committed relationship 5 years ago, well naturally he cheated on me more than once and like a fool, I took him back. This last time we broke up for about a year while he was with one of those cheating partners. We ended up back together, him swearing his love and devotion and promising he will do what it takes to be with me. About a year later, that gut feeling came back that he was doing something, he was being rude and mean and not spending time with me, so I investigated and sure enough I saw his truck at the same womans place!! I confronted him and broke up with him. Now I’m the evil bitch and the psycho for finding out!! How can a man promise so much and do the very same thing AGAIN?! And turn on me? My mind tells me he’s a loser but my hearts not listening. I feel so rejected and so hurt!!!

  74.  #74Sheila on May 17, 2011 at 6:56 am

    Hi Rori,
    Interested to get your thoughts… Plan to write a book about the following story and am very motivated to do so after reading many of the emails to you.
    Long story Short-
    Knew a guy 17 years, also knew his wife. They had two kids who are now in their 20’s. Wife died of cancer. I was in a relationship at the time and he and I were only friends. My 11 year relationship ended. Invited this guy to party. Wife now gone for 5 years. Didn’t know if he had been dating or not. Thought he might meet someone at party… We had a great connection. Started dating. First date he tells me about an ex, and first woman he dated since death of wife, but says it’s over (a long distance relationship they neither wanted to continue). Along the way I see communications between him and his ex, confront him. He swears it’s over and No More communication. Time goes on, we get more invovled. I feel great honor that he would open his heart to me after losing wife to cancer. Totally open myself up to him. Our chemistry is Wonderful and Crazy good. After months of spending lots of time together, travelling, talking about future plans, etc– he forgets to log out of his email acct on My computer. I sit down to do work and see emails which he thinks he has deleted (because he couldn’t see the Trash folder and never emptied the trash). He and the ex had been communicating the entire time, even communicate thru faKebook. She was upset that he could move on so quickly and was was trying to prove to her that she did mean a lot to him. It got pretty ridiculous and they got way too caught up. I immediately broke off the relationship. However, I have 90 pages of copy and paste emails/communications between them and think it would make a great book. Interested to get your thoughts as I can imagine this happens every day…, more than any of us would like to acknowledge.

  75.  #75Marissa on May 18, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    Hi Rori,
    My boyfriend have been together for over a year now, and lately when we fight, he threatens or says hes going back to his ex (which is also is his kids’ mother). They havn’t been together for 4 years, and she was even the one who sent him to jail (which is why they broke up). WHY does he keep saying this and will he do it or wants to? I have said in defence to him when we fight “oh just go back to her” or if I think he may be cheating, i will say its probably with her (since he did in the beginning of our relationship). I don’t know what to think, he started sharing a phone with me and turned his facebook off because I wouldnt get back together with him when we broke up if he didnt. What do you think? Does he want to, and if not..why is he threatening me with it?

  76.  #76Jools on May 19, 2011 at 6:44 am

    Hi I have been seeing a man I have known all my life for the last 6 months. He left his ex for me but we didn’t live together because of the distance. Its well known that he doesn’t love her and only stays for the kids. I was his world he was mine etc. He’s gone back to her and I don’t understand??? He loves his kids so much he says he couldn’t bear to be apart from them. He is suffering badly from depression and is now getting help for it. He wouldn’t tell me he didn’t love me and he wouldn’t tell me it was over forever. I have told him I’m not letting him go and as far as I’m concerned I’m waiting til he sorts his head out. We had plans for the future and everything I have told him I will leave him alone but that I will still be waiting. I know he’s only there for the kids and am hoping he will see the light when the tablets kick in and remember how wonderful it was what we had. What do you think? Please help so down don’t know what to do. xx

  77.  #77Mairi on May 20, 2011 at 9:20 am

    Rori, I don’t know what to do. I am so upset. I have been seeing this man who I had been friends with for about nine months. We both split up with our partners and he immediately began persuing me. He had been with his partner for six years and had been on a trial break when I met him. She then took him back in September and dumped him in December.

    Everything was amazing between us and we had amazing chemistry. He literlly did all the running and treated me like a Queen, and was always in contact with me somehow.

    We were meant to go away this weekend, and he kept on telling me how excited he was. Then last night I recieve a text from him saying that his ex cme round the evening before and asked him to think about getting together again. He’s said he’s not sure if it will happen, but he needs time to think.

    I’ve told him that I thought cancelling the weekend, which I found very disrespectfull showed that he had made his decision. He replied by saying I was right to be angry with him.

    I want him to chose to be with me. What do I do? Please help.

  78.  #78mm on May 24, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    He broke up with me a month ago we were together for a month. 3 months before that he was with his on and off ex gf of 4 years, I looked up on his facebook she recently sent him the movie trailer. They might go to see movie together I am so sad. I am not 100% sure if they are back together should i ask? I initiate contact with him to catch up for lunch tomorrow and i am deadly nervous i know i am not ready but i dont want to miss my chance of seeing him again, i am leaving the country in a month. I am so nervous and so exhauted of thinking of him. I dont know what i should do and talk to him to get him back

  79.  #79Trina on May 27, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    (i am not sure if he still loves his ex)

    this is the story, I met this guy through a friend and we got on really well and we told each other that we like each other. I slept with him 2 weeks after we had the conversation and i felt disgusted as i have never slept with someone that wasnt a boyfriend of mine. so i asked him to make us official and he kept saying no because he wasnt ready. i asked him about what happened between him and his ex, he said they were going out for 2 years but they broke up because she had to move to canada…so anyway i kept on with our casual relationship but 2 months later i found it quite difficult, then we had the conversation again and he agreed to make it official….to cut a very long story short, it had been six months now and i wrote a sweet message on his facebook wall but as soon as he read it he deleted it and i got a bit suspicious…so i decided to guess his facebook password and when i managed to i went into it and i read his inboxes. he had been sending mesages to this one girl and he would tell her that he loves her and misses here bla bla, it became clear that his ex is actually still his girlfriend and they were in a long distance relationship and they had plans to be together in 3 yrs time when she finishes her degree. so i asked him about it and he denied everything, he kept saying they aren’t together, he didnt mean what he wrote in the messsages. so i decided to inbox her myself and ask her whats going on between them. anyway she informs me that they are still together…so i call him up to let him know i had contacted her and he quickly hang up on me…Anyway later on we spoke again and he told me that he doesnt want her and that he wants me , so i believe him after 2 weeks of him pleading to me to take him back…he had also found out that she had a boyfriend too…anyway so we carried on together and i told him if he wants me he should never talk to her again and he didnt , he even deleted her off facebook. Anyway fast forward we have been together 1yr and 5 months now, and a lot has happened that has made me believe he still loves her, even tho he tells me he loves me and one day she had inboxed him saying she misses him and then he called her up infront of me because i asked him too, he told her that he loves me and not her…however recently i found out that whilst we were together 2 months after the time i found out about her he had told her that she can date who she wants and he can date who he wants but when she comes over to england they will be together again…but he swears that he didnt mean that plan and that he loves me. but i feel like he only wants me because im local, he doesnt want her because deep down he isnt okay with the fact that she has a boyfriend and another thing because she is far away in canada. so many things have happened like, he has said her name in bed with me, he sometimes doesnt want to spend time with me, he acts like he doesnt love me, even though he says it everyday that he loves me…i am so insecure i feel like he just uses me for sex and that when she comes back he will leave her for me.i have broken up with him over hundred times because of my insecurities but he begs for me to take him back every time i do, and each time i take him back because i love him so much. i can’t decide whether to stay in this relationship or end it for good.

    what should i do?
    does he love me or is he still inlove with her?

  80.  #80Lavania on June 9, 2011 at 3:53 am

    I’ve been seeing this guy for about three months, he is lovely and sweet and broke up with his ex six months ago because she cheated. He started being distant and avoiding actually meeting up with me last week after a drunken game of ‘I have never’ revealed to him that I had also been seeing other people whic I think upset him. However we hadn’t become exclusive at anypoint. I asked him what he wanted to do, stop, continue as we were or make it serious and he replied I don’t know several times, I started to back off but still got the friendly chatty text messages and conversations several times a day that week.
    I eventually saw him this Sunday where he revealed he has been talking to his ex. I feel that she has become aware of me and is extremely jealous so manipulating him and trying to win him back, she has been googling me and my whole family and telling him about things she finds and saying things like she wishes my cat would have been runover when he went missing a few weeks back, and planned to turn up at my place of work to cause a fuss that day.
    I was worried and confused, why would he be talking to her at all, and why would he listen to her when she says he can’t go out with his female friends to dinner and can’t go on holiday etc…
    Basically I met up with him again this TUesday, he is seriously thinking that he has made the biggest mistake of his life, she says its his fault she cheated etc. I’ve listened to all the crap, been as supportive as I can and I’m quite close with his circle of friends who all agree his ex girlfriend is not good for him, i’m not just the biased new girl. I honestly don’t know what to do, this guy is such a sweetheart and we can all see that he is heading for such a fall, this girl leaves the country in a month and has actually asked him to help her move for the first week, so he can carry her bags and she can use his 20 kg baggage allowance.
    He can’t see it and I know I can’t make him see how manipulative she is and tell him what I think without giving the impression that I’m a bitch. It’s becoming emotionally draining and I am going out seeing other people, but I was friends with this guy before and it genuinely upsets me to see what she is doing to him, and I won’t get with him because of all this but need some support here!

  81.  #81Lily T. on June 9, 2011 at 4:56 am


    It seems to me he is not over her and he will probably play this out with her until the end. I think you would be better off taking care of yourself, setting boundaries, and dating other men.

  82.  #82Femininewoman on June 9, 2011 at 5:59 am

    Lavinia, yeah there seems to be nothing you can do for this man. Plus if you do anything it would not lead to love, in my opinion.

  83.  #83Florence on June 13, 2011 at 8:46 am

    I met my ex about 8 months ago and there was an instant connection. At the time, he was still living with his ex but told me that it was over between them and he had no more sexual contact with her. During the beginning stages, we remain friends because I did not want to start a relationship with him while he was still staying with his ex. He broke it off with her almost instantly after meeting me but denied that I was teh reason for it. He claimed that h cheated on her multiple times because she had done that to him in the past. The child’s paternity was questioned because she allegedly cheated on him and his friends and family knew about it. I recently broke up with my ex-fiance around the same time I met my most recent ex. We were good friends, we laughed, had beautiful conversation. We texted everyday. He courted me and showed all the signs that he was in love with me. The only reason I continued to date him is because I never had this unspoken connection with anyone in years. It was like we knew each other without even saying it. Around 3 months into the relationship, I called him and his ex picked up the phone. He claimed that he did not move out because he was still preparing his new place. He left. We still remained friends. Weeks later, the ex-gf contacted me via email and told me they were still together and how he was trying to rekindle things and wanted to know if we were seeing each other. I told her to call me. She never did and told me that they werent together and that she didnt mean to contact me and she hopes we are happy. We dated for 3 more months and finally she became more angry ( they have a daughter together). She sent me all these text messages of how he still wanted her and stated that they were still having sex. Needless to say, it was true and he was still dealing with her. BUt because he did not want to lose me, he told her and me that he wanted to continue the relationship with me and the only reason he didnt break it off sooner was because he did not know what to tell her. I took him back but we argued and I threatened to leave him and would not speak to him for a day or two sometimes. I found out that she was still texting texting him and asking why he choose me, doesnt he love his family and miss them although she told us that she would let us be. I found texts from him questining if she was going out on a date. She was manipulating him and he was falling into her trap. He said that the bashing reminded him of his ex and he started to miss her. He felt that if he was going to be bashed he mind as well be with her. He felt that the hurt me too much and he didnt deserve me. He sent her flowers and beg that they get back together. ( He is always going back and forth with her). He admitted to me later on that he is just confused now and needs to time to think because he is still in love with me and does not want to hurt me again. He says that he is afraid to hurt me again. He says that he is in love and knows I am perferct for him but still has doubt in the back of his mind and knows that it is unfair to me. What should I do? Is he truly in love with me? Was I just a fling and then he woke up? Is he still in love with her. Please note that he loves his daughter dearly and told me that he feels like he wont be able to have his family ( his daughter and his ex’s older daughter) unless he remains with her. He believes that she will never let him be happy.

  84.  #84Femininewoman on June 13, 2011 at 9:06 am

    Wow Florence seems like only he can make that decision. I am wondering how you feel with all of this drama going on?

  85.  #85Florence on June 13, 2011 at 9:16 am

    Words cannot express how I feel, sad, angry, still in love, resentment. I wish I never gave him a chance. Im mostly afraid of losing that love that I have for him when he decides he wants to come back than actually losing him. If I lose him, I lose him. But I know and he knows that he is making a mistake, and I dont want him to try to come back when it’s all said and done and my emotions are no longer there.

  86.  #86Femininewoman on June 13, 2011 at 9:23 am

    RE 85 Florence we can only control our own behaviors. (((((Hugs))))). Love yourself dearly, give yourself all that love you are pouring on him, you just never know.

  87.  #87Florence on June 13, 2011 at 9:38 am


  88.  #88vicky on June 14, 2011 at 4:35 am

    I need advice? Im not sure what to do. I was once married for all the wrong reasons. But have now be divorced for 7 years and have been with my current bf for 5 years. I adore this man and am so in love with him, he is my world. I moved him with him last Sept. Throughout are relationship he has been in and out of contact with his ex. Then about 6 weeks ago he told me he was moving in with her and they were trying again, next day he was crying and said he made a mistake and wants to be with me. I got all confused and started looking for a place to live…as i dont think he is sure what he wants. He said to me he cant move forward with me and he doesnt know why? He says he feels like he owes her something. I know you are prob all shouting at me to leave and im meant to be moving into my new place this weekend but it is seriosuly breaking my heart and i think if i go it could be a mistake….what should i do??

  89.  #89Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 5:24 am

    RE 88 Vicky for me heartbreak is healing. It helps me to recognize the power resident inside me because I have survived and I have an opportunity to create a real relationship with someone who wants to be with me. I believe the worst thing is to be with someone whose heart is somewhere else. I have lived it. I would continue with my plan and spend time healing myself. He has to want to be with you. He has to choose you. I am not convinced you are making a mistake. If he wants you he will come get you. Guys go after what they want. I would not focus on his words. I would focus on his actions.

  90.  #90vicky on June 14, 2011 at 5:27 am

    Thank you…so hard 🙁

  91.  #91Mechelle on June 17, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    I met this guy once before and lost his number then seen his one month later out of no where. Ever since then we have been together like everyday for 2months. calls emails, dinners,nights etc. THE ex, She had a death in the family and now he said that he is getting back together with her and he wanted to stay friends with me. he stated that he could not turn his back on her and 6 years compared to our two months could not match up. He said I was a good woman and if we would have met 6 years ago it will be different. I am so heartbroken. do these guys ever come back?

  92.  #92GigglyWiggles on June 18, 2011 at 7:02 am

    My Husband and I had a fight recently because somebody told me he saw his EX and he didn’t even tell me. He was keeping it from me and now I’m having these crazy thoughts that he might still be in love with her. What shall I do? I’m worried that this may affect our relationship. I was thinking of having an annulment. I really got hurt when I knew all about it..

  93.  #93Femininewoman on June 18, 2011 at 7:05 am

    RE 92 Did he ask her out on a date?

  94.  #94Luna on June 19, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    My fiancee’s ex wife cheated on him two times and had to other kids while married. He says he loves me and want to marry me and have a family with me, but he can’t let go of his past. I found out that now he is sending HER the money(before was to his baby’s mama mother) because he needs to trust her again, in order to have a good relationship with his son’s mother as two grown up people. Should I stay or I should go?

  95.  #95Stephanie on June 21, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    Hi, I was dating this guy last year for 4 months but his ex was always texting and sending him e-mails. We broke up and got back together this january. It turns out he’d went back to her between times. She still always texts and e-mails him. Even called me shouting abuse once. Now after 6 months we’ve broke up and he’s went straight back there. I’m using all my energy trying not to be pety. I don’t know what to do to successfully move on without feeling totally inadequate!

  96.  #96Emma on June 23, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    Hi Rori, good day to you..
    I met a man two months ago.
    he started to be friend with me.
    He’s actually my sister’s friend.
    but my sister doesn’t know him well.
    My sister knows more his brother, whom she said a playboy.
    I used to call him big brother since
    he’s my sister’s batchmate way back in their college days.
    then one day he asked me not to call him big brother again
    he wants me calll him by his name alone.
    so i asked him, to give me a good reason why?
    and he told me that it’s because he
    likes me and is courting me.
    we had a first date and second then after the
    second date, he opened up to me about his ex
    whom he had just broke up with for just a month.
    He told me that his ex wanted him back.
    now he’s confused, i think i’m falling for him already. but
    i told him to get back to her if he still loves her.
    as for me. i told him that i’ll just stay as a friend and
    nothing else.but he keeps telling me that he
    likes me and he felt something different
    the first time he saw me. and he said that he
    doesn’t love his ex as before. i gnore his messages.
    I’m hurt too knowing that he could not decided right away.
    he said that he really needs some space for now to think.
    what should i do now?

  97.  #97Stephanie on June 30, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    I met this man 9 months ago who pursued me by always sending me flowers/gifts and showing me a lot of affection. After about 4 months I found out that he had a girlfriend that he was still living with. He said they were living just as roommates and he didn’t love her that he loved me. After going through dealing with this for several months I finally gave him a deadline of him having to either move out or we were done. A few weeks before the deadline, his girlfriend found his phone and all the texts between us. He told her that he loved me and she kicked him out. He lived with me for almost 3 weeks then went to talk to her about getting the rest of his things and he said he was sad for her and upset that he hurt her but that the feelings that he had for me were stronger. The next day after I was doing laundry, I noticed that all his clothes and some boxes were gone. I immediately questioned him about this and he said he freaked out but then realized going back to her would be wrong and he would just feel dead inside. We talked the next 2 nights and though had worked things out, even made love. I then got home Wednesday night from work and everything was gone. No note, phone call, text message, nothing! I am just trying to understand how a man can tell a woman to her face that exact same day that he loves her but is planning on leaving to go back to his ex? I do not plan on talking to him and hoping that he never contacts me again. I am trying to lift myself up and find a way to learn to trust and love someone again.

  98.  #98sarah on July 1, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    Dear Rori
    I met a guy three months ago and we are having great time together, but not a relationship. He seems he likes me and I was interested in him from the beginning. After the second month I tried to cut off from him, as he did not seem that he will make a move. However he seemed to try even more to win me over, by calling me more often and arranging to go out, by ourselves. I thought to give the guy a second chance, without knowing if we were going to be in a relationship or not. The problem is however that I learned that he was going out with another girl before he met me and that even if they broke up he is still calling her and also going out with her. The girl is according to her saying, not interested in him any more. What I want to ask is what should I do with all this? Should I continue to see him? Or he is still in love with his ex and I should stay away? Is he trying to get involved with me or he is just flirting until his ex comes back to him?
    I have to note that he didn’t tell me for his ex and that at some point he said that a friend of his has a problem, as there are two girls that he likes but the one is really nice and good for him but he still wants the one that ignores him because he ignores him. Should I think he was talking for himself? All my friends both guys and girls, that have seen him say that he seems interested in me. I am confused. I do go out and met many people, but as we have lots of fun together I don’t know what I should do.

  99.  #99Maya on July 5, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    Hi Rori,

    here is my story. Two yrs ago my ex broke my heart really badly, that I didn’t feel anything anymore, I wasn’t happy with a man, I wasn’t excited, no butterflies.. I kiss my bf and it’s like NOTHING.

    I broke up two months ago, after being engaged in a long distance relationship that lasted a whole year. I realized I can’t fall in love with him, better be honest about it, I have been faithful to my ex and I gave all I had to try and make it work. Days after I broke up, I kissed a guy at a bar where I work, and I “felt” something, and so did he. We dated for a month, and it seems like we are soulmates, but just like most men, he doesn’t understand that.

    We have such a strong bond and connection it’s unreal, and it’s been like that since the first day, only got deeper and stronger, until he started his “distant” period. His ex left him for another man, he has a tattoo of her name on his arm and he loves her madly. They are still in touch as friends. He has her stuff in his bathroom which he doesn’t dare to move or through away. I knew he would have to choose, either move on and be with me, or be alone and hope one day she will take him back.
    I asked him why he acted cold, just to get an answer.. he said “it’s too much gf bf shit and I don’t feel like doing that” … I didn’t see him since, but then I got drunk and texted him “I miss u” he sent” owwh! don’t miss me. How are ya?” .. haha anyway it’s clear. He keeps in touch threw this Facebook site, and says something everyday. Thinking I will be waitin around ;p
    only problem for me is that I am insanly in love with him, I haven’t called nor texted anymore, I think of him all day.. and with dating other men I am extremly faithful by nature, I really can’t help it, I can’t date more than one man.. but I also don’t want to merry now I am only 24! so.. how can I help my self fall out of love??

  100.  #100Cath on July 19, 2011 at 5:30 am

    Hi Rori,

    Help! I’ve been seeing someone for a month and he was very attentive – texts and phone calls every day, came to see me and it all seemed good. When I came back from a holiday he said he was really looking forward to seeing me and hoped i felt the same. I went over for the weekend but he seemed a bit distant when I arrived which wasn’t what i was

    Anyway, for the rest of the weekend he introduced me to people and took me away for a do with a group he’s involved with. I overheard him call me his new girlfriend and the following day he confirmed twice when he could see me again and when my birthday was so he could take me away somewhere.

    The day after the weekend together he didn’t call. I sent a friendly text which he replied to but didn’t ring. I left it to him to make the next move and the next day it was texts and calls as usual.

    The day after that he had to see a friend who he thought was going to askt o stay with him for a while. It turns out to be the ex before his last ex. He asked if it was a problem and since i didn’t know whether it was going to happen or not I said it wasn’t really my business. Later that evening I got a text saying ‘Looks like I’ve got a house guest for a month. Now big deal!’ I didn’t reply because of course it was a big deal.

    Anyway, he was meant to come over the next day but rang to say he couldn’t because he was unwell, which I know to be true. he sent a lovely goodnight text and at that point I had to say something about this ex so I said I was a bit bothered but didn’t want to cause a fuss. He said fair enough and we’d talk soon.

    The following day we texted but at my initiation. No goodight text from him and nothing the following morning. Then on Saturday I get a text saying sorry but my ex has been in touch and tunred things on their head. This is the most recent ex and not the one moving in. During our brief relationship he’d said she was high maintenance, no sense of humour and that it had been over twelve months bvefore they split, which happened after a disastrous holiday eralier in the year. Since then no contact at all, didn’t reply to my text and took me off FB. He’s 42!!!!

    I’m left reeeling with no clear idea of what happened!


  101.  #101Miss Thang on July 22, 2011 at 6:03 am


    I dated a guy for a month and we did get physical. However, he was not open about his past. We are work mates and apparently got to discover he once had a thing with a girl in the same office and as soon as we started having slight conflict he went back straight to her. He wouldnt call and would prefer chat to calling and text messaging. How do you handle it??? Initially I wanted to get him back but when I discovered the truth I am angry.

  102.  #102seranne Johnson on July 26, 2011 at 8:56 am

    I did see my ex on and off in stores and he is dating someone but he keeps coming back to me and having sex! I finally said No more and he is still calling me talking about the past. He says he is happy but one day he called me upset and saying she is never home. I was told the I was his best relationship and this is why he puts off marrying his girlfriend. I saw them in the store and she walked in front of him and you can tell that she is not nice at all and she was very rude to the cashier. He looked sad but I just walked away and when I looked back he was looking at me and smiled. His family said he is not happy what should I do?

  103.  #103shay on July 27, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    I had been dating this guy for about 6 months except distance sorta took over and we broke up because we didn’t see each other often and he started seeing other people and so did I. In the midst of all that, we still talk like we’re in a relationship….. currently he doesn’t have a girlfriend and I don’t have a boyfriend. We text every night and still say I love you to each other. I’ve come to realize i love him sooooo much, and want too be with him again. we’re kind of young (freshman in college/senior in high school) and I think he is afraid of commitment, and im sure he still talks too other girls. I love him alot! and i want too be with him. soon we’ll be able to see each other alottttt more and i just want us to have lasting relationship and get married later on and have children. how do I get him to just want to completely commit too me? I NEED HELP!

  104.  #104asty on August 1, 2011 at 4:09 am

    I met this guy 2 months ago at the beginning he told me his relationship was complicated so wanted a serious relationship if we can try…i excepted then few days later I asked him if he still with the girl then always denying all the times his not together with her…i can’t touch his phones or look at his facebook because is to private and can’t add me on his facebook cause he doesn’t add his girlfriends. a month later I found out he was still together with her and i told the girl i was his girlfriend and he told me they break up then she didn’t care for the fact he had told her he has nothing to do with me and i was the one that wanted this relationship and later on he apologies to me saying that he just wanted to protect our relationship because all his friends talk to much….I forgave him but somehow i no longer feel comfortable with him and how am I going to know for sure he did break up with the girl. last week he said he was talking to her but just a little not like before it just doesn’t make since why he still talking to her and why not tell her the truth we are together but i just don’t want to push him away. but i don’t want to be fooled to. should I let him go

  105.  #105sandra on August 4, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    i appreciate the simplest way you answer questions,pls help me solve this.my husband to be stills calls and answer his ex girl-friends call,and recently it got so bad that when they quarrel he comes home and passes the aggression on me,i decided not to mind him and probably get off it by going out with the men that wants me,i have never planned in my life to become unfaithful but i think this is my last option in order to get over him.he feels scared now,but he pushed me into it.

  106.  #106Shameca on August 8, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    I have been in love with my boyfriend since I was 8. We broke up in 2008 from there we were just seeing other people but I love him alot and his ex girlfriend wants him back because now im pregnant .i wish he would change because ill always be there for him but if I cant be with him ill be messed up emotioally

  107.  #107Shameca on August 8, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    I have been in love with my boyfriend since I was 8. We broke up in 2008 from there we were just seeing other people but I love him alot and his ex girlfriend wants him back because now im pregnant .i wish he would change because ill always be there for him but if I cant be with him ill be messed up .

  108.  #108Seranne Johnson on August 8, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    I dated him 10 years ago and ever since then he looks for me! I have been trying to move on but it is hard to do because we broke up and have stayed on good terms I got pregnant but lost our baby and When we have sex it is like it was ment to be but he has a lady and they argue alot and Yes I need to say no to him! He even says you make me feel like I never want to go home and I have to make him leave. I just am frustrated at my failure to let it get this way!! I need alot of help!!!!

  109.  #109Samantha on August 8, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I started dating a three years coworker five months ago. He make us coincided constantly in the workplace so I decided to give him a chance. During the first month we got very close even intimate to quick. One day after a wonderful lunch out of the blue he come with the friendship story and that he likes me a lot that I am the perfect woman but he is confused. I instantly cut him of and asked if that has to do with another woman, he says yes. He explained they have been dating for a year but the relationship never progressed and there was no passion, they don’t even see each other or talk every day. I cut him out but he still chasing me becoming a on and off each two weeks for two month. I have been following your programs and decided to leave him two months ago. He stills making us coincident in the office and few days ago came close were we had heart to heart talk. He says she has been good to him and gives him no problems but he is confused in how he feels about her and wanted me and him to always be honest one another. After the talk he started chasing me again. He told me he would go on vacations for a week, I asked if he was traveling only with his childrens or not, in a nervous tone he says only with the childrens. He hasn’t call since he left. I have 5 of your programs and I know that this is a toxic situation and exactly what I need to do – use your tools, circular date and run run run. The thing is that he is a very good man, I like him very much and deep in my heart I know he is worth the guy. I am all screwed up every day confuse in what to do, if work to get him (trough the Goddess style) or move on.. Thanks for your advice Sam ..

  110.  #110alone and scared on August 9, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    Dear Rori
    I need some help/advice. I have been in this relationship for almost 6 years. He was married before and divorced before we met. In this time that we have been together he still has contact with his ex wife and also with his ex girlfriend. If i ask him why his says i must not be worried it is this to get them to stop but they still keep on phoning emailing and it does not stop when he goes to visits the kids i am not allowed to go with because they will not except me what must i do i love him so so much???

  111.  #111Lucy on August 19, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    Hi!! I have a dilemma. I met a guy, we got on well, arranged a second meeting based on ‘friendship’ and kept in close contact over the next couple of weeks (mainly him)! he had to work away in an area where his ex works. They had a messy end to their relationship and she gives him hassle a lot of the time.
    He later reiterates the friendship thing, but doesn’t want to meet up or phone, just email! he seems to have an issue with what I would class as a normal friendship now! I gave him the opportunity to cut contact, but he doesn’t want to! He feels he got too close to me! I’m not quite sure what to think. part of me thought he was hedging his bets with his ex! Ideas please, I’m confused!! 🙂

  112.  #112Marissa on August 20, 2011 at 7:50 am

    Dear Rori,

    The guy I love broke up with his ex gf about a month or so ago me and him have been on and off as well we met in 2009 and began a close friendship/relationship. We use to see each other quite often until he dated this other girl for 2 years but we always stayed in contact and now that he is single we spoke a few times we were suppose to hangout but he bailed because of something with his family but apologized for it. He needed space for a little so I gave it but saw he spoke to the ex online but he later tells me he is done with her and now went to the jersey shore with his friends so I’m giving him his space he seems to want to be single but I care for him and just waiting for him to come home next week. Anything I can do to get him to speak to me when he’s home I have a feeling we will talk. I told him to have a fun time with his friends and to be safe. I really love him and tired of being so shy about it.

  113.  #113Nicci on August 23, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    hi, i been with my boyfriend for almost two years. we broke up last year around july then we started dating other people. i found out that he was going to the movies etc with the new girl. then we got back together in august (last year). everything was ok up until december when i found out he was talking to her again (not together). he lied saying he was single. me and her had a civilized conversation on the phone and we discussed everything. She was stating that he told her he was in love with her, they were never intimate (shes a virgin). I decided that i was going to leave them two to be together since he felt a certain way about her but he eneded up leaving her alone and we worked on our relationship. next i found out in april that he lied to me and he was with her for valentines day, me and her talked over the phone again. She then stated he said he was single and after valentines day they stop contacting each other, then in april she told me they were texting only a week as friends but he then again claimed he was single. She said she was cutting him off completely but now i have trust issues to the point at look at her twiiter and think she is talking about him in every tweet. i looked through his phone one day without him knowing and it was no signs of her name anywhere. Me and him talked about it the beginning of this month but he claims he doesnt talk to her, it just seem likes she talks about him and i dont know what to do! if i was to ask him again he’s going to tell me the same thing. i cant ask her because if i was to ask her she would call him and tell him. i dont know if he likes her because she has a car.. i dont know what it is. i just dont want to get hurt again by this situation or mess up my realtionship because i know he is in love with me but i put too much work into this relationship to just give up like that. im too scared to let my guard down! Please tell me what to do!!??

  114.  #114MaybeMaybenot on September 1, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    I met this guy in class. We have been friends for the past one year but we also have been sleeping together for the past 4 months. He reminds me time and again that I am just friend who is different from his other friends. He recently got out of a relationship but still hopes that he and his ex will, someday, be together. He is distant and cold most of the time. He replies to my messages and answers my phone calls once in a blue moon. I am so intensely in love with him that I accept all this craziness and I never knew I will ever behave like this. I guess this intense feeling has made me accept anything even a cold shoulder the morning after we sleep together. The worst part is when we meet in public we talk as if we are just friends. Something in him makes me behave like his friend all the time except when we are alone once in a month and end up sleeping together. I have no idea where this is going except that I know that this is the one and only man who could make me feel so intensely for him. He has stated very clearly that he doesn’t want this relationship (whatever it is..) to go anywhere. He will end it like it never happened.. and I still surrender everything.

  115.  #115Rosy on September 13, 2011 at 11:50 pm

    he had been with her for about 6months before he met me.throughout a period a knew he’d always wanted to be with me,so he gave up i guess(i was playing har to get.i think)
    n now after 8 long months of on-n-offs he decides he wants back with his ex.he mentioned not deserving my love,n me being 2 hot 4 him.WHAT THE HELL??

  116.  #116Jess on September 22, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    Not exclusive until you’ve set a wedding date? That seems a bit old fashioned. What about for those of us who don’t believe in marriage yet strongly believe in monogamy?

  117.  #117lofl1965 on September 24, 2011 at 4:31 am

    Wow… I am not even sure where to start. in 1984 I joined the Marine Corps, after boot camp i went to Military police school and while on a date 1 night a guy from my home city who was in another branch of the service was coming on to me, I wasn’t very cordial and i told him i was there with another guy. The guy i was on a date with was an ass and he started to get a little rough and tried to be agressive with me, well this other guy from the Airforce came to my rescue. We ultimately started seeing one another only for about 3-4 weeks, Well I received my orders out while my airforce guy was in the field and well there was no choice but to do as you are told. Now this was prior to email, and cell phones so I had to leave without saying goodbye. About a year or so later while home on leave I decided to try to find this guy, well i did, you see we grew up about 30 minutes from each other… The sad part is that the next day he was headed out of the country… needless to say we had a wonderful night together, but because of my our dysfunctional upbringing neither of us undersood the feelings we were having… Well goodbye was said this time but still no admittance of feelings. in 1989 I got married had babies… yada yada yada … married for the wrong reasons was treated like crap… bad story… after 17 years I divorced my no good husband… in 2005 My mother was given a few months to live, so I moved back to my home area to help care for her … in 2010 after another horrible relationship, my house was hit by trees and well it caused me to have problems sleeping.. one night i was searching on facebook and i found my airforce guy… i recognized him right away… not sure he would remember me i sent him a message and well he remembered me, we started talking immediately. now most of our lives have correlated… married same year …kids same ages… the only difference was that he was 1000 miles from home and still married… not happily but still married. after our first phone conversation he shared the problems he was having and he admitted he had been trying to divorce for a few years just never could actually leave. We started to grow closer emotionally and he told me he loved me and wanted to see where this “interaction” was going. We met a few months later where we originally met.. we had a wonderful week, however 1/2 way through the week he said he was conflicted and he needed to end it and see where his marriage ends up… however by the time we left the airport… he had asked me to give him some time, that he loved me and he couldn’t say goodbye. He moved out of his house in March, after a month I went to visit him, when i was leaving we didn’t want to say goodbye…. The next day he was in the hospital… he was suffering from stress and his son was emotionally reacting to the idea of his parents divorcing so he ended up in the hospital… needless to say he went home again… once again asking for time. he started seeing a counselor, she helped him recognize i was what he wanted that all these years I was what he was missiing. so He choose me… but needed time to deal with his family appropriately… we stopped talking for less than a day.. a few months later he was headed into the house to tell her he was leaving when she threw a bomb at him told him he needed to check himself into a psych ward to get some help… he was furious.. and stormed out the door. now that was the goal but the path taken wasnt appropriate… this time he moved out and waited 1.5 months to come here to visit me. we had an amazing 10 days together.. he went back to his job and continued living out of the house in august his mom was given 2 weeks to live so he flew in (during the hurricane issues), stayed with me the whole time his wife and kids never even called to offer their condolences.. they didn’t show up either or send flowers… I went to the funeral with him met his father, brothers, neices..aunts cousins… etc.. Again we are wonderful together he stayed a month… the Monday before he left his wife sent a sympathy card to his father, stating they didn’t come or know what to do because they are so upset over him being out of the house and serving divorce papers… He interviewed for jobs, met my kid, and even told everyone he was going back to pick up his stuff and then coming back… we have talked about marriage… Now the last week he was here he started to appear very stressed…. I didn’t think much of it since he was going through so much at a time… however… a few days before he left he told me that he was going back to stay with his friend and that on the following Tuesday he was going to sit down with her and tell her about me.. and then go from there… Well he left things behind …his cell phone…his lap top… I figured for good faith… His friend was supposed to be picking him up at the airport. Well his friend who was supposed to pick him up at the airport…left him a message about mail he received and he obviously did not know my man was coming back into town. So, I believe he went home… and he does email me daily… but he is general in discussion around what is going on… He does still tell me he misses me and loves me but he needs to deal with things… Well everyone…..lets have it… Does anythone think he’s coming back???

  118.  #118golden blossom on October 7, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    Hi Rory,
    2 years since break up, I gave up job for relationship to be togther, then he dumped me. I refused to work for him p/t and went on to find a job. Except, it took 2 years to find a job, then got injured at new job through employers mistake, and they fired me while sick! I wanted to be me again and independet of ex, but all my efforts in the financial department are going down the tubes due to not working. Ex is doing good, I have not caused him any damage. I kept my promisses. And yes, I also study at to get degree, although I am older now. Life is very limited without steady income. I never thought it would take that long! I feel sometimes ashamed at and angry at myself…but then I go and try again. Break up damaged my living standard. No car, no phone, vacation, absolutely no shopping…it goes for university and basics. He behaved as if finding a job was the easiest thing on Earth…no empathy. I want to do better without him and be like I used to, but it is not working. He could help me in 2 sec if he wanted to…and if I asked…but I can`t bring myself to admit what shit my life turned into after he left me, spurred by his family rejection of me.
    Do people ever talk to their exes in times of need? Do they admit things are not going well in spite of best efforts? The mishaps keep bringing memory of him, his promisses and their breakage back. What do I do?!

  119.  #119Ella on October 7, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    I just texted my friend that I am feeling like crap and lonely and she didn’t even text back. She is awake.

    And CDs and friends on FB don’t want to know right now.

    Wow – tonight sucks!!!!

  120.  #120Tanya Thompson on October 10, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    Hi Rory,
    There is a guy at work that has been trying to gain my interest since January. He started to flirt, sent messages etc. and as we got to know each other very slowly, I found myself falling for him. Just recently, he made an effort to start to talk to my friends and even brought his female friends along on breaks. That one did not go down to well as I was very jealous (and showed it:( ( as I did not know that they were his friends at the time. Then last week he told me that he is back with his ex, so not only do I feel like a fool, but I am also very confused about his behaviour. It is as if he is now trying even harder to get to know me and share with me what he is really like. He has stopped bringing his female friends to breaks and he comes over to sit with me despite collegues being present, which he never did before. I get a lot of attention of guys and he knows it, but he is the only one that I have feelings for, after many years of being single. I am not the greatest person when it comes to men, as I am due to past experiences very apprehensive and thus have a tendency to ignore hints at dates etc, and disapprove of what he likes, even though he is a great guy. He still flirts as he always did, shows more interest, wants me to stay around for longer and comes over to be with me ??? Is he just trying to get me to get jealous so that I want him more? A man that is back with his girlfriend surely would not behave like this?

  121.  #121Needing Closure on October 13, 2011 at 6:04 am


    I NEED CLOSURE!!!! I’ve been in a long distance relationship w/ a man for 6months. I feel like this thing was dead in the water from day1. He was 30days fresh out of a “relationship” w/ his friend of 10 yrs who he’d been seeing for the past 1yr and a half. Did I mention that she’s married? Oh ok…..In the 1st 3 months of us dating (me falling in love) he went back w/ her behind my back several times. I took him back after much boo hoo’ing and flowers n crap, twice. He’s always been emotionally unavailable. He’s always compared me to other women he finds more attractive. He’s always rejected me: my bum bum isn’t big enough, i’m too tall, my skin isn’t flawless….yatta yatta yatta. I’m not a very high priority of his (although we talk every single day). He keeps the convo light n shallow, “How’s your day?”. He rarely has ever actually spent time truly listening and bonding w/ me. BUTTTTT he says, I care about you, I love you, blah blah blah….He even once told me that I’m not up to the standard that he normally dates. WTH? EVERYONE else sees and compliments and admires me for being a beautiful woman. But w/ him, I have to fish for compliments and attention…..wow. So, I need closure cause I’m ready to move on. I think he’s still seeing her behind my back although he SWEARS THERE’S NO ONE ELSE!!!! He’s just busy, blah blah blah. Someone’s getting the attention, adoration and passionate pursuit he should be giving me???? He’s lying….I’m tired. He said he wanted to marry me, blah blah blah…..we even picked out honeymoon spots and started to set a date. But my gut feeling has ALWAYS nagged at me about this man. I’ve always felt like he was hiding things (he keeps his cell phone glued to his side 24/7) Is always looking for a message on his phone but he says it’s business and he’s just waiting for responses from ppl…..blah blah blah. I don’t trust him further than I can see him, he’s lied to me several times before and his words and actions almost NEVER line up. EVER. My gut feeling says, he doesn’t love me. He’s playing me, using me and taking advantage of the situation until something he deems better comes along. BLAH BLAH BLAH…I asked him to be honest and to tell me if he’s still seeing her, waiting on his reply now. But I know it’s already over. I feel so used.

  122.  #122Daria on October 13, 2011 at 6:14 am

    Needing Closure – so sorry about your situation! you’ll get lots of support here on working with Rori’s tools (do you have her book? it has the basics) and turning your love life around and feeling good about yourself

    to get involved, go to blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com and comment under the most recent post

    as far as closure, Rori teaches No Closure…

    here’s the article:

    Don’t Let Go, Don’t Resolve, Forget Closure and Stay On Your Horse

    How can you move forward in your life without “letting go” of him? And still “dump him” and “stop contact”?

    This is a jump off of the last post, inspired by the comments. Here are two that sparked me:

    Erika said:
    “…sometimes if I ignore a guy, I actually end up thinking about him MORE. It feels all unresolved.”

    Then JasonSavage said:
    “I advocate resolve through actively ignoring him and simple acts of symbolic detachment.”

    And Daria, too, talks about really loving having men around her and feeling good about it.

    The thing here is this – J, in the letter that started the original post, does NOT feel good with the “ex” who’s contacting her at this moment. The idea of friendship is NOT clear and easy and about …friends. It’s all clouded and complex and involves all kinds of triggers. And this was not a Circular Dating relationship – this was BEFORE J figured out how to Circular Date – this was an exclusive relationship with sex. And she still feels attached and emotional – as would almost ALL of us.

    I often agree with Jason on most of this – and though it’s a very harsh view coming from me, but you can see from Jason how a man sees ANY response we make to a man — no matter what we say, if we respond, the “friendship” is “on.”

    What I’m going to add to this conversation is about what Erika calls “resolve.” This is the same as what I call “closure” – and you know I don’t believe in closure.

    This is the shocking, provoking part of what I say around this kind of thing:

    Don’t even TRY to IMAGINE closure. Forget closure. Forget resolution. Forget tying things up in a nice bundle, all knots untied, everything smoothed out.

    This is just not part of having a real, PASSIONATE life.

    Needing closure is something we women have absolutely been trained for.

    We are perfectionist in many ways, managing things – so much of it comes from our genes – the need to cook, watch the fire, listen for the baby, and ward off intruders all at the same time.

    This need for closure is, I believe – at the bottom of all our womanly stress.

    So, I also say, forget about the whole concept of “letting go.” It’s just not a viable image.

    For me – (and I have a bunch of posts on this…most with horses in the pictures…) the idea is to keep moving down your own road, stick on your path, stay with your horse, keep moving, expanding, breathing, going deeper and deeper into your feelings and your life, becoming more and more passionate about life itself – and just not allowing ANYTHING to distract you. Not allowing anything to “capture” you and throw you off balance and off course.

    You can take a memory of a man with you down your road. You can dream about him when you sleep. You can take from what you had with him that makes you feel good and helps you understand yourself, that helps you riff and process and expand.


    I’m going to say that again. Once a man has outlived his usefulness in his concrete, human form – once his presence makes you go backwards and into your head and out of your body and feeling not good about yourself – you don’t want him around. Period. You’re done. He’s history.

    But that doesn’t mean he’s left the planet, or left your psyche.

    He might still be in your rock band, or in your theater company, or at your yoga class, or sweating next to you at your gym, or sitting next to you at your work. He might be the father of your children. He might be a superstar you see on billboards and hear about from friends and strangers every day. He could be your lawyer, or your coach, or your children’s friend’s father.

    It doesn’t mean he has nothing to offer you – even if it’s only a reminder of what you DON’T want.

    And it doesn’t mean you have to be especially nice to him, or welcoming, or reasonable.

    And it doesn’t mean you have to notice him much, or think about him, or wonder about him, or talk about him.

    It just means he’s there. He still lives and breathes.

    It’s not about “reality.” It’s about “energy.”

    And this isn’t hocus-pocus or magic, because it’s not about HIS energy – it’s about YOURS.

    The simple truth is – if you stop FIGHTING your feelings for him and pull toward him, and thoughts about him – and simply REFOCUS your mind, body and heart around something NEW – something that FEELS GOOD – something that’s MEANINGFUL to you – it will overpower the energy you’re showering on this undeserving man.

    So – instead of rituals and symbolic acts to LET GO of him (because then it’s STILL all about HIM…) what we need here is rituals and symbolic acts to hang onto, hold onto, embrace, worship and adore OURSELVES.

    The result we’re going for is not to free HIM – but to free US.

    Can you imagine what that would look like and feel like?

    What would it look like and feel like to feel free as a bird around your thoughts and feelings about a man? To be able to do what makes you happy even though thoughts of him and about him continue to intrude?

    I guarantee you that if you find things to immerse yourself in – things that capture your attention in a wonderful, fulfilling and satisfying way…they will way outshine any man’s old, worn-out pull on you. Your light will expose the shabbiness of the man, the obsolescence of him.

    You’ll start to feel this: “Done.”

    It’s not about “over.” It’s not about “forgetting.” It’s not about “Letting Go” so you “don’t” have a mental, physical or emotional experience around him when he isn’t actually there. It’s about just getting so passionate about yourself and what you love in life that you become bored by him.

    Most of the time, a man who is not good for us came into our lives for one reason: We invited him in as a “do-over.”

    It could be a do-over of our childhoods, when the only way we could get love and attention was by working our butts off.

    It could be a do-over of a trauma where we felt helpless to take care of ourselves.

    It could be a do-over of a mistake that feels desperately like it needs “closure” and “mastery.”

    Forget about all that.

    Instead – focus on being kind to yourself. Focus on what you like. On what makes you feel good. Do that. Think that. Take yourself there.

    Erika talks a lot about EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique, and I love the technique too – here’s one little piece of it I’m going to apply to this post:

    Say to yourself: “Even though I feel attached to this man and drawn to have closure with him, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.”

    Then get back on your horse and ride – with him or without him, whether he’s hanging onto the saddle, gripping you for dear life, or trying to get you to stop and let him on, or whether you’re holding him with one hand behind you as you ride on.

    The important thing is NOT what HE’S doing, or where HE is.

    The important thing is that YOU are RIDING ON!!!

    Love, Rori”

  123.  #123golden blossom on October 13, 2011 at 7:48 am

    Daria, that was beautiful, what you just put out there… thanks.
    Would you give me a pointer too please?

  124.  #124Needing Closure on October 14, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    DARIA!!!!! You’re the bomb diggidy!!!!! Thank you soooo much for sharing this information. I promise you…I’ve never once thought of it like that. But it makes perfect sense. It’s time for me to start focusing on me again….getting back to MY goals and accomplishing that. ANNNNND doing things that make me happy. Started yesterday; I made up my mind to have an AMAZING day and wouldn’t you know, one of my really great friends won a gift card to a swanky restaurant and called me so we could go and have girl time! It was awesome too *giggles*. Even today, I’ve had an amazing day and my “sunshine” is coming back to my heart. The load is lifting! I’m going to choose to take away from this last 6months the things about our “relationship” that were positive. I’ve decided not to “block” him, delete him or purposely have a “no turning back” argument w/ him to move on. My new motto is: “Never let em see you sweat!” I’m just flat out moving directly on. WOW! Just like that. BOOM. lol! NO need for me to send a series of bbm’s telling him how betrayed I feel, asking all kinds of questions trying to get to the bottom of things I feel in my heart he’s flat out lying about. I’m just done….BOOM. WOW! TGIF!!!!! I’m moving on w/ my personal convictions, and my truth. I’m a Queen after all ‘0) What one won’t do, another one will. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. I’m taking out the trash and I’m happy doing it! BOOM. Like the Partridge Family, it’s time to get happy!!!!! MUAH!!!!! smooches

  125.  #125Daria on October 14, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    Yay Needing Closure – it feels so good to read about this shift for you!!

    come back and post any time, we always post under the newest article under blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com

    and oh – as a bonus to make it even easier – you can let them see you sweat, be angry sad or shake… its all about being authentic after all

    as long as the focus is on you, and on making YOU happy – and it sounds like you GOT THAT GOING ON!

  126.  #126Daria on October 14, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    omg i have so much freed up energy!

    i feel liek my whole aura is big and free and spacy right now, like my outer layer of me under my skin is way breathing

    its ok to breathe from inside my bones

    and heal gently

    i know i know how to do this!!!

    omg amazing that i am able to create easy feel good scenarios in my head!


  127.  #127Daria on October 14, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    oops that last comment was supposed to go on a differnt post

  128.  #128Lynn on October 15, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    I’m trying to move forward. I’ve been in a relationship for 4 yrs. with a man who loved me and my children. I came out of divorce 6 years ago and met this man. He did everything for me..good guy, he had some quirks like very goofy sometimes and sometimes didn’t care about his clothes and we sometimes clashed with our thoughts but I loved him and he loved me. Recently we broke up…he didn’t think I considered his feelings and I would dismiss them because I thought he had jealousy issues. Now I realize that I was harsh and I now want him back. He listens to me while I apologize and try to get him back, but now he is cold as ice. I can’t break through. What do I do to get him back? I think about my mistakes and having the opportunity to do over, but he thinks that if he takes me back I’ll go back to my ways. I love him enough to make a change. I understand now to consider his feelings, and its not all about me.

  129.  #129Alison on October 19, 2011 at 10:02 am

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for half a year, and it’s been going great. About after the second month he cheated on me, but I forgave him because I love him and REALLY don’t want to lose him! But, my gay friend asked me and a few other girls to meet up with him for a girly day out (I was really excited and thought it was a great idea so I told my boyfriend) But then he started getting annoyed with me, he’s made me feel like he doesn’t trust me and that he doesn’t love me 🙁 I love him so much and have no idea what I’ve done wrong, so he doesn’t trust me when i’ve done nothing wrong, but I still trust him after he’s cheated on me? PLEASE HELP!?

  130.  #130Ashley on October 19, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    Hi,I am 23 my boyfriend and i have been involved wih each other for over a year. we both left very serious relationships mine was 7 yrs and his was almost 12 yrs. I was not married,but he was recently spereated and lived with his ex up until the end of june. He has a little girl who is under the age of 10. When the ho sold e moved in with a friend who also have a family and currently live in m aunt’ home as i left my ex with the house. Over the last month we have disscussed moving in together, even look at places together. a few days ago he said he was confused… needs the weekend to think… So we work together to make this even worse.. yesterday we went for lunch i ask him what he ws soconfused about and he told me he was considering going back to his ex for the sake of their daughter. His daughter does not know me very much at all she has hung around me a few times… he also said the she ( his daughter had wrote a note saying “she wants mommy and daddy back together”. He told m that h has no feelings for his ex, but he needs to consider this for his daughter. another thing is his ex hates me, she is fully aware of our relationship and feeds he little girl reasons not to like me… and last week attacked me physically. but i let it go because i dont want the child to be affected in anyway. I am lost… confused…scared ad very said that he is evening think this way, as he told me right after he told me what he was thinking that he loves me and he know he does and he knows he wants a future with me. please help!!

  131.  #131Donna on October 23, 2011 at 6:37 am


    I have been seeing this guy for almost 3 years now…We met at work and had alot in common so eventually one thing led to another. Unfortunately for me he has had a girlfriend the entire time with 2 kid. I never planned or even thought that I would be the other woman but I can’t help how I feel. Their relationship has always been one that is not healthy and he often leaves and then goes back but as he tells me “it’s because of the kids.” How do I either make this work or stay away being that I am in so deep already. He is my Perfect Imperfect Man, he is everything I want but not mine…. Please help!

  132.  #132Sheila on October 23, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    I am going through a rough patch. I reconnected/found a guys that really liked in highschool, but my parents wouldn’t let us date. Well we reconnected in January 2010 only for him to tell me that he was in a unhappy relationship and have left 5 times and was having problems again. Well we maintained friendly contact for that year til about october 2010. he called and moved out in January 2011 and have been visiting me monthly since then. His last visit was September 2-6, 2011. Well I had a feeling that he may go back to ex with their kids. He became distance since he got back and then I really told him that he needed to tell me what was going on. He denied moving back but our nightly and weekend calls and all the things that we did ( long distance wise stopped) he finally told me that force this hand and said on October 1, “what would you do if you found a note from your 13 years saying daddy is bad and she wanted to kill herself cause he’s not there. So now he says that he loves me not the children mother but he’s there for the 3 girls. He’s the one that cooks and cleans and take cares of them. Well he only emails me now… maybe one or two nightly calls. He said that he sleeps on the couch they are not sexually involved. Should I believe him and be supportive ? he was planning to move to my state and be with me, but this whole situation has me on hold and not at all a priority for him. I strongly feel that the mother noticed that she didn’t have control over him anymore and made this up.. His last visit, she text him if you don’t call me now , I am going to throw the rest of your stuff out.
    Ironically when he got back his car was broken.
    I love him and want to be a supportive women but this is too much drama for me and feel that may never get to be a top priority over this women.
    I haven’t been dating since we reconnected.

  133.  #133jacki on October 24, 2011 at 10:44 am

    I just met this guy about a month ago. i gave him my number and we hit it off right away. we both felt very comfortable with eachother like weve known eachother for a long time. he recently broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years. she stopped talking to him for about a month and he didnt know what was going on. then one day she emailed me freaking out saying that they werent broken up. he talked to her and they decided to actually end it. so she emailed me back apologizing and telling me that it was ok to be with this guy. we dated for about 2 weeks and we had alot of fun. i never slept with him or anything and he told me he respected that about me and he liked me alot. and he also kept telling me that he didnt ever want to be back with his ex because she was different now. well just a couple days ago she goes to his house and bursts out crying begging for him back and he didnt know what to do. they ended up sleeping together and then he decided he needed time to be alone and think about things. he eventually decided to go back to her because of their history and thought she deserved a second chance. oh ya, she also told me in her email that she only thought of him as a friend for over a year and just never wanted to leave him being afraid of hurting him. i think she onnly came crawling back to him just because he was moving on and not paying attention to her. do you think their relationship will last?

  134.  #134Crystal on October 24, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    For 3 months I been dating a guy, which I had the most amazing connection with. Or so I thought. We both had a wonderful time together. I met his family, and his son (who is 5 and he had never introduced his son to anyone that he had ever dated before). His son’s mother had moved on and was living with her boyfriend of 4 years, although she flip flops back and forth between them. 2 weeks ago, we went to a cookout at his parents house and his son was there, after returning to his mothers house and talking about me. The ex started texting about how she still loved him and wanted them to be a family and this time it would work. He called me crying on the phone, saying that he felt torn because he loves me, Im his everything and I have his heart and always will. He said she is using their son against him and if he doesnt come back then he is a no-good father. He called me friday and told me that he had made up his mind and he chose me and told her that I am the one that makes him happy and Im the one that has his heart. We spent sunday together and she texted him the whole time, saying that she moved out of her boyfriends house and moved into a rental, she said their son wishes daddy was there. I asked him if he was sure that he wanted to be with me. He said that he was sure and what we have is something he has never experienced with anyone else. He said that he did love her but never got to experience what being in love was like and he had that with me. He called me later that night and said that he didnt feel the same towards me and that his heart isnt in it. I am completely crushed and heart broken. She doesnt want him, I feel she knew he was happy and wanted to ruin that for him. Although he is an adult and able to make up his own mind, I feel that she used his child against him. I dont know if I should hold out hope for him to realize what we had or if it is a lost cause. I truly love him and wish he would pull his head out of his a**. I wish he would call but I havent heard anything from him at all.

  135.  #135golden blossom on October 24, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Alison, Ashly, Crystal and Seila,…so sorry for your pain. That saying, Rorry is teaching us, that we can help ourselves. It sounds like so much effort has been put into those guys…and so little came back in return…
    I am single now and lost job because of a guy and then again due to injury, but I decided to reward myself after a few years of no shopping for how I am pulling through, and I am going to buy myself nice boots for the winter and make it a Christmas present to myself. I am my own cheerleader and if a guy wants to join in, fine…
    If not… I am walking by in those comfy boots! (…and I need them…it is not some vanity!)

  136.  #136golden blossom on October 24, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    …also, I hear frequntly the expression, and admittingly being guilty of it myself as well: Giving someone my heart…
    What a bunch of nonsence! How many of us would give someone liver or kidney? Well, liver might grow back and you will have another kidney, but heart is only one, and hence… I came to the conclusion I will share it… but rather not give it! LOL

  137.  #137unknown on October 27, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    I got a huge problem I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 months and i still love him but the thing is when we broke up it was over a stupid lame excuse after asking him if he loved his ex ? but he still tries talking to me and hurts like fuck when i try staying away he comes back what do i do please i need answers,I’ve been crying for days i need him i tried talking to him but he doesn’t seem to care.

  138.  #138Rori Raye on October 28, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    unknown – when you dissolve over a man and feel like you “need” a particular man – that’s when all the questions need to be about yourself. We can help you here! REad, talk, and welcome..Love, Rori

  139.  #139Michelle on November 1, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    I have a best fried and we knew we liked eachother, so we started dating. but a couple weeks later he started seeing his baby moma, which i didnt pay any attention to . then he ended up goin back to her. were we wrong to try, what should do ? we’ve known eachother for a year and a half now and i still have feelings for him but he dosnt seem to realize, i mean he wont even talk to me at all … please give me som advice onhow to talk to him 🙁

  140.  #140annmarie on November 2, 2011 at 8:59 am

    i have been going out with my bf since ending of july untill now and we had got in to it a month ago.from then everything just had felt differnet now im thinking that he had got over his ex because i was in the middle of leaving my ex boyfriend and i told hym i dont want to be talking to my my ex and trying to start a new relationship with you while he’s in the picture that is why i told him..now he was okay..two weeks later him and his girl got into it and now he decides he wants to be with me im like are you sure because i dont do double relationship at all..were getting to no each other very well we were so close i felt like i knew hym for so long..after while things was looking fishy i caught hym talking back to his ex .he lied to me and i kept asking hym he kept telling me no..after a 2 hr convo i forgave hym.now this happenn again..2 mnths later she goes texting back his fone and he registerd her name under another girls name..so i wouldnt no im a smart woman..but he was going out for 1yr in a hlf this mnth would have m,ande two..she hurt hym so bad. cursed at hym, disrespected hym,scandlize , his name,hurt his feelings, took advantage of hym ,,just made hym feel low of hym self like hes nobody. i do everything for hym, i nevr disrespected hym in my heart he shouldnt be going through that …he has been hurt but not as much as i have been hurt…he taking my kindness for weakness

  141.  #141molly on November 3, 2011 at 5:09 am

    Hi, I was dating this amazing guy for 6 months. Things were great and i could see him falling in so deeply for me. the last month he was having trouble with work and pushing away – my insecutiries didnt know why he was pushing to i pushed away..instead of us just speaking! he said he needed a break.. time to think. he just wasnt happy. i handled it wrong.. he reached me every week for a month to see how i was.. he said “hopefully with time things will get better”. im better off without him etc. turns out him and his ex started speaking again. she lives across country but i heard she came to visit this weekend. there past is they dated a yr half.. he said last 3 mos it just wasnt there… they tried again for 4 months (long distanc) he said it still wasnt there.. he guesses he went into it bc it was just easy and wanted to try… he said she was spiteful and not a good person. i know i may have hurt him and im trying to hard to make things right but now i know i have to back off… it hurts to know i put him back in her arms bc of my own insecurities.. i cant stop blaming myself… do u think they’ll be serious now or is it just a comfort thing? i want so bad a 2nd chance to change my stupid mistakes. he put his heart out there and i was scared too bc i didnt want to get hurt but i had no reason .. he gave me every reason to trust 🙁 it was def a wake up call for me.. but now its to late..

  142.  #142preity on November 8, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    I’m in love with a guy for last 3 years.he loves me too but recently we had a fight due to his friends and for last 15 days he was ignoring me but used to call me whenever he was alone(not with his friends esp).In the past he has done few mistakes and i have forgiven him eveytime.I don’t like his moody behavious that after committing mistakes,he returns back.Tell me what should i do?I’m damn in love with him but tired of his behaviour.Also tell me if he loves me then he will come back or nt???

  143.  #143Carolyn on November 16, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    Hi Rory! Love your site and have a question. I met a guy when I was 18, 20 years ago. It was love at first sight. For 20 years now we keep bouncing in and out of eachother’s lives. There’s a 1,000 miles in between, but we seem to know when the other is in trouble. Funny thing is, we have never been in a committed relationship with eachother. When we were 18 we layed out bug plans, the every detail of our wedding, the old house we would rehab, how we would parent. To this day on the rare occassion that we see eachother, we still talk of these things. But we never come together. I don’t think either of us had matured enough to move forward on these plans. Three years ago we visited for the first time in 15 years. It was magical. But I was comibg out of a very longterm relationship and he didn’t want to be the “other guy”. He took a girlfriend shortly afterward. We visited again and he explained that relationship was over. Over the past month we started communicating more than ever. Well, apparently he still has this girlfriend and she found a few hundred text messages on his phone and is hot mad. My question is, can I trust him not to cheat and why do you think he keeps comubg back to me?

  144.  #144Carolyn on November 16, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    Hi Rory! Love your site and have a question. I met a guy when I was 18, 20 years ago. It was love at first sight. For 20 years now we keep bouncing in and out of eachother’s lives. There’s a 1,000 miles in between, but we seem to know when the other is in trouble. Funny thing is, we have never been in a committed relationship with eachother. When we were 18 we layed out bug plans, the every detail of our wedding, the old house we would rehab, how we would parent. To this day on the rare occassion that we see eachother, we still talk of these things. But we never come together. I don’t think either of us had matured enough to move forward on these plans. Three years ago we visited for the first time in 15 years. It was magical. But I was comibg out of a very longterm relationship and he didn’t want to be the “other guy”. He took a girlfriend shortly afterward. We visited again and he explained that relationship was over. Over the past month we started communicating more than ever. Well, apparently he still has this girlfriend and she found a few hundred text messages on his phone and is hot mad. My question is, can I trust him not to cheat and why do you think he keeps comubg back to me?

  145.  #145Heartbroken on November 18, 2011 at 9:24 pm

    Hey Rory. So I’ve been dating this guy on and off for a little over 2 years. About a year into it I found out that he had another woman who he had been with prior to me for about 6 months. Of course I was extremely angry about it at first. But it was like he never really wanted to address it head-on. He left the whole situation kind of vague. He swore to me that they weren’t “really like that.” I have even talked to this woman before about the situation. It seems he tells her the same things about me…She says she’s not going to leave him. I feel the same way. He was at my house just the other night and she called him all night long. Well tonight he’s not answering his phone so I’m presuming he is with her. It hurts so bad but I don’t know what to do. I can’t let go of the man for some reason. HELP!

  146.  #146Amanda on November 19, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    About 7 months ago my ex husband and I decided to try to reconcile. We divorced about 10 years ago and haven’t been in contact until 7 months ago. He lives overseas temporarily so we’ve been in a long distance relationship. He’s also been divorced from his second marriage since 2010. He was married for six of those years, and I was initially very concerned about the short amount of time he’s had to be on his own. He assured me that they were separated long before the divorce was final, and that he was ready to move on. Red flags began to prove he was not being honest. Not sure if Facebook is your friend or foe sometimes, but the bottom line is..things did not add up. They are both overseas, and she has moved on with someone else. I noticed he still seemed angry, and would talk about it often. He’d tell me he would drop her mail off for her still, and that she would be in contact with him for things I feel only a partner should be contacting him for. He would still go on about her, and say some of the harshest things a person could say about another. We had many conversations about how insecure this situation has made me feel. He claims he’s not able to keep her from contacting him, and has quit delivering her mail. He then attempts to assure me that he’s crazy about me and once he leaves overseas she will be gone. I finally got sick of it, and drew the line I told him I was not his shoulder to cry on, and that I simply didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I’d feel more confused than certain after having conversations with him about this. Also felt my self esteem was taking a HUGE blow by staying. YUCK. I finally just broke it off. To me this man was simply carrying emotional baggage into the relationship we were trying to have, but he denies it. During our break up he blew up and called me a control freak, and that he would much rather deal with her than with me. He was extremely nice, but blew up once he realized I was not going to change my mind about how I felt in the situation. I know he’s going to contact me, but I just really don’t want to deal with this anymore. They have no kids, no financial obligations to each other. What gives?

  147.  #147sheba on November 19, 2011 at 5:27 pm

    hi rori,
    i need your advice i was with my ex boyfriend for 7yr and he left me in may and i had no clue at first to why. he had me believing that he needed space to himself and that he wanted us to become closer as friends first to build a stronger relationship. i started doing some digging and found out that he was seeing someone else. i asked him about and at first he denied it but finally admitted it. he told me he was still in love with me and will never give up on me. i also found out that he was seeing this person since november of last year and she helped him find an apartment so he could live on his own apart from me. now he says he is in love with her after i found out all this information on my own do i have any chance of getting him back? please help i’m terribly heart broken.

  148.  #148KateZ on November 22, 2011 at 8:43 am

    I have been seeing a new man for the past 3 months now, we are not exclusive and were previously friends (the kind that hangout once every couple of months). When I moved back to my hometown we went for coffee and things have sparked have us. I have fallen for him most definitely. First problem, I am leaving the country for 3 months in january which i had previously planned. It isn’t a long time but it has given us both an excuse to not add a label to our relationship. Second and main problem. A few months before I moved back, his girlfriend of a year and a half broke up with him. They had been best friends before and he had been in love with her for 4 or 5 years before they ever got together. I know they still talk and she still has an emotional pull on him but right now she seems to just be toying with him. I can’t help but want to be with this man and I do not know how to handle or deal with this ex situation? help please! any suggestions?

  149.  #149Rori Raye on November 22, 2011 at 11:18 am

    KateZ – Welcome – and so sorry for all this “situation” – If he’s still in love with the “ex” there’s nothing you can do except stay alert and see if that’s ended for him and he’s now in love with you. About the 3 months separation. It’s good in some ways, hard in others…I’m hoping you’ll all share how you’ve handled such difficulties before…my own husband, like everyone else, had an “ex” who was powerful in his mind and heart, and I did, too – but those all just vanished when we really connected. Our real relationship simply completely overshadowed the old imaginary ones – that’s not to say those memories and feelings EVER disappear! Love, Rori

  150.  #150paula on November 22, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    Ive been serious with a man for 3 yrs now. He moved out on his girlfriend to live with me and we had a good relationship until she started calling my house saying they were still together. I was finding that every night after work his vehicle would be at her house. this made sense to me at first because he rents her garage for storage for his his tools and vehicles. Then she called and said they had slept together. he denied it. she and i talked on the phone and compared notes and found he was lying about some small things like the fact that we were both making him dinner and lunches for work. heres my problem. i asked him to leave when i heard about the lies and he moved back in with her saying that he had no choice because his stuff is there. we ended up back together and ive been asking him to put his stuff in storage and come back to live with me and he says he really doesnt want to pay for storage but wants to save money so we can get a house together and move away. its been almost a yr. ive been hearing this and im getting fed up. should i just let him go? i called the ex and she said she is quite sure he loves me but tells her the same which he denies. Please help me..

  151.  #151Cappyheart on November 29, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    I met him about 8 yrs ago and he told me he was “casually dating”. I fell for him from the very start as we had a strong connection and we became instantly glued to each other. It was a few months after we met that I found out he was living with a woman and he said it was a roommate but it wasn’t, it was his girlfriend of 6 years that had just moved in to his home. I confronted him and I decided I let him go but didn’t last not even a week. I was too involved emotionally and so I just went with it and believed in his promises that he was leaving her. Well many things happened during this time. I even moved away but kept a long distance relationship and will see each other every other weekend. A little over two years ago, I moved back as she had moved out for a second time. We kept our relationship, but only the two of us this time so I thought. I want to mention that she made sure his family knew about me and that kind of made it hard for him as he is very close to his family. Our relationship was great for what it was since I never met the family and we argued about it constantly. Well, he sold the house and moved in with his parents as we wold be looking for a home for us. We did that for about a year but the arguments kepts on because I wasn’t sure where I’d stand. We did love each other and we have everything anyone would want in a relationship except we didn’t have it all. About 5 months ago he stopped looking for a home and started picking on me and wanting space and so forth. I come to find out he started talking to his ex, bought a home 3 months ago which he is fixing up and she is moving in with him this coming month. He hasn’t stopped communication with me and wants to be with me but I’m not ignorant. He is not changing his decision. I just don’t understand why he would do this to me. There’s a lot more to this story but I shared most of the important facts. I’m hurting alot frm all this and just can’t comprehend his selfishness and why would he go back to someone he has never been faithful to.

  152.  #152Rori Raye on November 29, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    Cappyheart, This hurts to say, and don’t read if you don’t want to hear: He doesn’t love you. He loves the other woman. He’s –I could label him many, many things – but he’s not for you. GET OUT OF THERE!!! Circular Date- have NO CONTACT with this man and find a man who loves you. Love, Rori

  153.  #153kerry on December 2, 2011 at 4:42 am

    Hi Rori I need some advice here. My (ex) boyfriend of 6 months got back in touch with an ex who he has not seen in 20 odd year she added him on facebook. I was his younger woman and I thought he was the one for me but he was avoiding my questions about her and started ignoring me anyway he said he had feelings for me and this ex a few weeks ago. Monday night he told me that he was going back to her that he never meant to hurt me. My friends and family have all said it is an infatuation he has with him. What should I do?

  154.  #154Anna on December 6, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    Hi Rori, I am devastated. I met my ex 10 years ago while I was in my early twenties and we had a fiery one night-stand. It was very intense and the souvenir stayed in our head a very long time. However, this was before facebook, cell phones and everything else so we never saw each other again.
    We both went on with our lives, me getting married some years later, him meeting a girl from South America and following her there to live with her. They eventually had a kid and things started to go sour between them, she was constantly nagging about why he didn’t work (he didn’t speak spanish so it was difficult) and she was tired he lived off her money.
    We bumped into each other last year after he had convinced his girlfriend to move back here with their child so he could work, and I had emerged a few months ago from a divorce with my now ex-husband. We were very happy to see each other, went for a drink, talked all night and ended up in bed together. Again, the intensity. We saw each other dozens of times after that, meeting up for lunch, coffee, but we didn’t have sex. We would hold hands and give each other hugs and look each other in the eyes for hours. He kept saying he loved me, that he wanted to be with me. He tried and tried to sleep with me but I resisted, told him I didn’t want to be his mistress, that I had feelings for him, that if he wanted to be with me he should do something about his situation.
    So he did. He dumped his 5-year girlfriend, left her with the baby and moved in with me. He kept talking about her with disgust, that he no longer loved her, that he was sorry he had a kid with her. He was madly in love with me, could not get enough of me, was completely dependent emotionally. Financially too.
    At some point I felt so bad I contacted his ex and we had a long talk together. I told her I didn’t know what to do. I was in love with him but I disagreed with how he was treating her and their child, being absent from the baby’s life because he was too busy in bed with me. It was actually a good talk. She eventually moved back to south america with the child.
    He would skype with the child from time to time but was overall uninterested in the baby. We bought a house together, travelled, cooked, laughed. I was super happy. 10 months went by. But I could feel a shadow over our head.
    Sometimes, I would catch him crying in secret when he saw a baby’s toy, or if they showed children in movies. He missed his child but he wasn’t doing anything about it, not calling, not even sending money to the mother. He was also completely dependent on me, he had stopped working because he was renovating our house. He fell into a depression.
    At that point I had no idea what to do. Every time I would bring up the subject of his child he would close up and bark at me. I eventually bought us 2 round-trip tickets to south america to go see his child, thinking it would help, that maybe he would wake up and embrace his fatherhood. At that point I didn’t have much money left but I felt so responsible, I had to do something.
    We arrived in south america, he was reunited with the child, it was very touching. The next day he walked into our hotel room and told me it was over, that he was going back to his ex, that he needed to be there for his child, that he never loved me. And he walked out, leaving me stranded alone in an unknown city in south america, on a trip that I had paid for. I feel like a total idiot. He’s not back yet, he won’t pick up my calls nor answer my sms. I don’t know what to do with all his stuff in the house, don’t know if he’ll come back, I can’t believe his ex took him back after all this… I’m so confused. What happened here???

  155.  #155Rori Raye on December 6, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Anna – what happened here feels bad and sad and frustrating – and there’s nothing to say or do but start fresh. Really – you can. You can. This man…has nothing to offer you. There are SO many men that you could support financially who would show you just as good a time and not be at such variance from your values. I could call him names and label him – but let’s just say you were there as he began to grow up (and he’s still just at the beginning). How about you fix your sites on the dream of being with a mature man who can appreciate you – and who has no baggage? Love, Rori

  156.  #156Anna on December 6, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    Thank you Rori. If you were to call him names and label him, what would it be?
    It’s hard to digest that after all the bad stuff I heard about his ex over these 10 months (some of it which I know is true) I’m hurt that he actually prefers her over me.

  157.  #157Pree on December 11, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    Hello Rori,
    I had a best friend for 3 years, we started dating for 8 years…the first couple years were great. But as time went on, we started growing into other people and I realized he lied about so many things through out the relationship. He basically broke it off at some point saying he was unhappy (bc I had problems with all his lies). I loved him, he was my first love, and I would do pretty much anything for him. The year apart from the breakup has been the hardest thing ever for me to get over. He’s been occasionally saying things like he wants to meet up, or he misses me, or we should be best friends/lovers etc again. My good friends have said to meet up to just get over the whole thing…but I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I really loved him, and I still obviously do. He was my best friend, what I thought to be my soul mate…I treated him like he was number one priority in life…yet he treated me like nothing. Now I told him I would be okay with meeting up. Is this the right step…I know I am much stronger than ever and can confront him. But how can I confront myself at the end of the day knowing I let someone go whom I really loved…sigh…please help me if possible!

  158.  #158Slippin' goddess on December 12, 2011 at 6:30 am

    Hi, I’ve never posted before but I often read the articles and blog.
    I started seeing a guy 10 months ago, he had split with his ex of 4 years approx 2 months previously. He has a child with her and the relationship was rocky (Cheating on both sides) etc. and the split was not amicable.
    I had been single for a year and a half. He chased and wooed me so much and pretty soon was asking me to be in an exclusive commited relationship with him.
    We were so close that first few months, spending every single day together, meeting each others families, bonding with his other child from another relationship.
    Well after the 3 month mark he did seem to withdraw a little, but there were money worries etc.
    He always told me the ex would not let him see his child. At first he mentioned court etc but soon he didnt really mention her anymore and when I mentioned did he miss his family etc he said no and never seemed to want to talk about it. Its like he just put it to the back of his mind so I left it because I didnt want to upset him.
    Anyway after the first few months the relationship didnt feel ‘easy’ I was always questioning his feelings etc and always just thought something was missing.

    Anyway about 5 months into our relationship I went away travelling for 2 months doing charity work in Africa etc. During this two months he was in contact all the time, sent money out to help me, told me how much he loved me and everything was going to be different when I was back. He said me being away had made him realise how much I did mean to him. All he did during this two months was work work work, and sleep and wait for me coming back.

    When I was back everything was perfect, he was trying so hard the relationship finally felt easy. ..until I discovered some messages and dirty pics on his phone from months ago. Since then things have been good and I love him to bits, he tells me he loves me, always wants me to spend time with him, but this often just ends up him coming to lie in my bed to sleep after being tired from work or vice versa. His work hours are insane but I cling onto the hope of it will get better once hes back on his feet money wise. I get on so well with his daughter and we spend all weekends together etc.
    Well there have been money worries lately, and with the trust issues previously Im always on guard. Sometimes I think my insecurities about the relationship cause half the problems. I wish I didnt care as much.. My past relationships felt so easy, too easy all I longed for was a bit of drama and it seems like now Ive got it I just want it easy again 🙁 with him.

    Last night he left his email on and I read some emails to his ex when he was a few months into the relationship with me. (These were sent BEFORE I went away)
    These said how much he loved her an wanted his family back, he wanted her feelings to change and wudnt stop trying, she was gorgeous and he only wanted her. He was going away for a few months (he wasnt I was??) and would come back soon, he missed them so much.

    It was completely the opposite of what he had always told me. That he hated his ex, she bullied him, he’d never go back etc.

    So anyway he says its all rubbish and it was from ages ago and he loves me. ..I got upset as I felt betrayed and dont really know 100% what he does want. Will he drop me as soon as hes back on his feet with money and run back there? Or did the 2 months I was away really make him realise what I meant to him?

    I just want a serious commited relationship, I want to be the only one and I’m scared I’m wasting time 🙁 Things could be so good.. but my friends say all I seem to be is upset.. but then again I really only tell them when the bad stuff happens.

    I just dont know what to do. I guess I want him to prove how much he wants me an only me. ..but since reading the emails he knows how hurt I am and hasn’t really tried at all.. “He just says what do I want to do? There’s nothing much he can say.. You know what I want, I love you, stop being daft” ..but these just seem like a few words in responses to text I send.. Its not like hes going out of his way to show me..

    Whats the best techniques to use.. I’ve tried feeling messages.. I’ve tried backing away and ignoring him all night/morning but he hasn’t tried to get in contact either.. I know I should go out and enjoy my own life again but we’ve both got money worries, in fact I have lent him money and not received it back, part of our problem.. He still takes me on nights out etc.. I just cling onto the hope that once everythings settled money wise we’ll be ok.. We could be so good together.. Am I overanalysing??

    Sorry for rambling, just really confused right now.. I just want it to work with him.. xxx

  159.  #159Help! on December 17, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I dated my ex for 4 years, we’ve been broken up for a year and a half. We didnt end on bad terms, we just wanted to go on a break while we were in college to experience college. This break turned into a break up. We live in a very small town so everyone knows everything about everybody so I found out when he started hooking up with a girl much younger than him. He told me it was just a hook up but I was very hurt by it. I’ve dated people throughout our break up but once I start to think I’m doing good, I will see him out or he will text me. I began secretly meeting up with him recently thinking maybe it would turn into something more serious but he keeps telling me he doesn’t want a serious relationship but still wants me in his life and wants to hang out and talk to me a lot. He makes comments like “You know we’re going to end up togher” or “when we get married…” but then he says he doesnt want a relationship and he is scared to jump back into dating me because of each other’s pasts. I am really trying to move on but there is something that just keeps pulling me back to him and I really think that it is the same for him too. He says that he is trying to move on but it isnt working out for him becuase he thinks about me all the time and I told him that I can only wait around so long for him so I am just going to move on. I have recently been talking to a new guy but it just doesnt feel the same as with my ex and my ex has been texting me and trying to hang out with me even more. He told me that he has not been talking to any other girls for a while now and that he wants to keep hanging out to see if he thinks we could ever be back together. And he says he knows that I have been talking to other people and that he just wants me to be happy. But I would not be happy for him if he were talking to other girls. And when I said this to him he said, “Obviously it doesnt make me happy. Obviously I’m not ok.” ..We have always been very honest with each other so I believe him when he says that he still loves me and thinks about me all the time, but am I wasting my time or being unrealistic thinking that we will eventually get back together? Should I continue responding to his text messages? Or should I just cut him off completely? Is giving him an ultimatum not going to work? Because I have also said that either we need to date or be nothing because I cant be just friends with him and when I said this to him he got very upset and offended and said that isnt fair because he is scared to jump back into a relationship. My sister says that I just need to cut him off and get away from him but no matter how many people I date or talk to, I feel in my heart that we are meant to be together. Help!

  160.  #160Anna on December 23, 2011 at 8:44 am

    Slippin’ Goddess your story sounds just like mine… I left a lot of details out but it’s more or less identical. I’m sorry we have to run into troubled individuals like this to learn to grow. At the end of the day, you are far better off in your shoes than in his or his ex’s; they are linked together for a lifetime because of that child while you can turn around and move on. What helped me is to repeat to myself that whatever he said or did or promised that made me think he loved me, he might have sounded sincere on the moment but it just wasn’t true love. At some point you have to stop torturing yourself looking for answers, shake him off and live your life xoxo

  161.  #161Jen on December 26, 2011 at 7:34 am

    I’m new to your site… I’ve been going through a rollercoaster and I need desperate help… Now I was with my boyfriend since October 2010, his ex-wife was always in the picture always sending him messages and using the kids as an excuse… I had a bit of a problem but I wanted to trust him… Oct of this year 2011 I noticed he was being fridid one day and hid his phone from me so i decided to end the relationship… after that he sent me messages giving me the guilt trip, and I fell for it feeling bad thinking maybe I had jumped the gun… come to find out I was right all along… that very same day he texted his ex to meet up w/ him… and she did… I only found out after a week he tried coming back to me and the ex found out and told me everything…
    I was torn, devastated, i couldn’t sleep nor drink… this man swore he loved me… I was such a mess… after 3 weeks he comes back begging for forgiveness said he made a mistake… apologized to my family and friends etc… so i gave him a chance… it was hard for me because I couldn’t forget the hurt I was too angry to recognize his attempts… he wanted me to forget in 2 weeks… so we got into a heated argument and guess what he does??? RUNS back to her… telling me i will be myself and that he needs someone to be there through thick and thin and that appreciates him… Now to me thick and thin doesn’t mean accepting a man cheating on you… He hated that he felt beneath me which I never meant to make him feel that way, i’ve just been blessed w/ great things in life… that i was willing to share w/ him but he couldn’t handle that I was a strong independant woman… this left me feeling less about myself and my self esteem is to the ground… I find myself alone and with anxiety attacks all the time… how can i surpass this? Please help!

  162.  #162confused on December 26, 2011 at 10:07 am

    Hello Rori,
    i’m really confused right now and don’t know what’s going on. A couple of months ago I started seeing someone, and right from the start he told me he had a baby a few weeks before he met me. For the first few days that I was getting together with him his ex was in touch saying that they were still seeing eachother, his whole family said that they weren’t and I believed that and in time she left us alone. But she stopped him from seeing his baby, so he eventually went back to her and I didn’t hear from him for a couple of months. But a couple of weeks ago he told me that they weren’t together anymore and that he couldn’t stop thinking about me, I took him back and we got back together and he announced us being together to his whole family again. But a few days later, he told me that he needed a break for a couple of weeks because his ex is going through a miscarriage and if he stays with me without supporting her then she will use his baby against him again, so I agreed. I then found out that he had still been seeing her the last few days, so I phoned her and told her everything what was going on and she left him, he then spoke to me the next day and explained that he was leaving her after christmas and when things settle with the miscarriage so he can still support her in the meantime, but now he doesn’t know what he wants because he told me not to say a word to her about us getting back together before I found everything out, because he said she would stop him from seeing his baby if she found out we were back together again, so he was staying with her, seeking legal advice and then leaving her to get back with me so he doesn’t have to go long without seeing his baby. he said he will understand if I don’t want anything to do with him because he says it’s not fair on me having to wait for him, but i’ve told him it’s what i want, am i making a mistake?

  163.  #163Cassidy on December 27, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    umm…my boyfriend loves me and were perfect together but his ex makes it hard for me to be happy…they say i love you as a sister or a brother and he gets mad at me whenever i bring up something bad…he always leaves it alone and doesnt talk about it..:( i need help…please help me!!! they always talk…he even text’s her more then me…sometimes it takes him a half an hour to text me back because im not that important anymore…

  164.  #164PIXIE on January 17, 2012 at 9:11 am

    Read ‘I Hate His/Her Ex’ By Alex Cooper. I was having loads of problems with my fiance’s ex and after reading this book, have resolved nearly all of the issues that were causing a problem in my relationship. 🙂 xx

  165.  #165rocK sTar 108 on January 17, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    ok so its kinda a long story: so ive been friends with this guy for aout a year or two but he’s my BEST guy friend and like my best friend period. weve dated twice last year and i ended both of them. but now i think i like him again and he doesnt know if he likes this other girl he dated last year too. i hate that girl and if they go back out again i will break down and cry right there on the spot. i need to tell him before she does but i just dont know what to do because i REALLY dont want them going back out again. HELP ASAP! <3

  166.  #166PIXIE on January 17, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    I Hate His/Her Ex is a book for anyone having difficulty coming to terms with their partner’s past relationships – brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores – Download from Amazon or buy it on paperback!

  167.  #167Emily on January 18, 2012 at 1:30 am


    I have been seeing this boy for a few months now, we kind of had our eye set on one another for sometime and he and i were getting along great. I would go and see him everyday, we would do things together like any other ‘couple’ would. We were comfortable just being ourselves infront of one another. I made an effort to do everything in my power to make him happy, i also made the biggest effort to get to know his family and ensure we got along. He asked me to go on a 2 week family camping trip with him, so i did. He would mention to me how much his ex girlfriend mucked him around. He explained how badly she treated him and it even got to a stage where he contemplating taking his own life. Everything between he and i was going beautifully untill he recieved a phone call from this ex saying how much she still loved him and how much she wanted him back. She insisted that if he was to take her back she would treat him right and do everything in her power to make him happy. After this he and i got a little shakey and but he continued saying how much he liked me and appreciated everything i had done for him. He always thanks me when i go out of my way to do things for him and always remembers to remind me of how much he likes me. Recently he met up with this ex of his just to ‘hear her out and see what she had to say’. He didn’t lie about seeing her so i wasn’t worried about it at all. Before he went and saw her he explained to me that i have been his main priority and after seeing her, nothing would change between he and i and he said that i would remain his number one priority. After seeing her he explained to me how she expressed how much she still loved him and he told me that her and i are now on level playing feilds. Neither of us are higher than the other. He is confused about his feelings and needs a few weeks to step back and think about it. He continues to tell me how we can only see eachother once a week to give him time to think and he doesn’t want to continue being sexually active just so he can get his head straight. All of his friends repidativly tell me that he is known for going back to his ex on multiple occasions and finds it very hard to say no to her even though all she has put him through. I don’t want to be the pushy one here and beg for an answer or try to convince him to choose me, because i know that will push him further away. The reality of this whole situation is i fell for him very quickly and i don’t want to lose him and give up what we had but i have a gut feeling he will run back to her. I don’t know what to do in this situation. Is there anything i can do or say to make him realise how badly i want him and want to be able to make him happy? The last thing i want is for him to leave me for his ex and then for her to screw him over…once again! Please help.

  168.  #168CeCe on January 22, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    My bf Ray and I have known each other for five years. We toyed with dating early on but he was fresh out of a divorce and confused. We stayed loose friends during the next few years, flirting by text occasionally but I knew he was a risk. I never encouraged it and tried to ignore him. We met up for coffee every few months. Last year and a half it became intimate. We were always attracted to each other for some reason but he was honest about not being able to commit. One rare visit to his house I saw female stuff all around – indicating he did have a gf and I teased him about it – happy for him really. He was defensive, denied it, never invited me over again. He spent a lot of time with me this spring and summer – and we grew closer – though I knew it was potentially heartbreaking to be doing this with him but being friends was also good. I began dating another guy and told him I’d wouldn’t have the time any longer to hang out because I wanted to get serious with this new guy. I really did want to start fresh with this new guy who came with what seemed no hangups like Ray.

    Ray was saddened – and asked if he could “apply for the job” himself – saying he fell in love with me over the summer. He ended his “dead end relationship” with the woman who’s stuff was in the house and said he’d focus on us. He had grown beyond his divorce and said he always liked me, now loved me.

    Three months later, her stuff is still in his house, though less, she still has contact with him, and not sure if he encourages it, but he doesn’t stop it. I told him that I am not opposed to female friends, but this is a fresh breakup, and considering the story of us three includes lies, it isn’t good that she remain in the picture. He dug in his heels but the argument blew over. I figured it would all fade away.

    But a mutual friend saw him out with her and another for a birthday party ( I was out of town for work). He only told me he was out with the birthday friend. I was livid but bit my lip. Remain a lady, right? Emotionally stable, right? I was just at his house, and found more things.

    What woman doesn’t move her things out of a guy’s house after being dumped? What man invites a new girl in while the old still has things there?

    He is still denying she was out for the birthday dinner and is deflecting left and right. Cannot answer about the stuff at his place.

    I’m not nuts am I? Not sure what to do. I am pretty sure that lying is a relationship killer.

  169.  #169Katie on January 25, 2012 at 9:35 am

    I have been dating this guy for about 7 months now. We have said that we love eachother already, hes taken me to meet his parents and Ive taken him to meet mine. Everything has been on good track, Ive never been with someone who seems so honest and genuine with me.

    A few weeks ago we had our first “real” fight. He was asking me about my ex ALOT, questions like are you over him? Do you want to learn french bc he was french? Keep in mind, I dont hang out with my ex, hes contacted me and even my bf knows that Ive rejected. But I have been hanging out with my exs bestfriends, those are friendships I made then that I will still keep around. Anyhow, I found it really odd he was asking me all of these questions. I figured he was just insecure, but then I realized he talked about his ex pretty significantly so maybe this was an issue on his end. He wants to learn spanish and visit latin american countries, and she was spanish. There were other things too, but I never made an issue about it, bc he said these were always interests of his before he met her.

    But I asked him that night about her, and this is the conversation. He seemed very honest, but the “Sorry” stuff worried me, and still does. This is a girl he dated for 4years, it was his only love before me. And it took him two years apparently to get over her.

    “Me: So are you over your ex?

    BF: Yes, but Ill be honest with you babe. If I ever saw her again, I would say sorry.

    Me: Sorry for what?

    BF: I was such a jerk to her. I was the first guy she met in her life who treated her right, and then I cheated on her over and over again. Do you find that weird that I want to say sorry babe? (my arm was over his chest and I felt his heart rate increase like crazy here). I just feel bad for her, and I hope she is able to move on from how much I have hurt her. I hope she is happy and finds someone to treat her right. And I don’t want her having only bad thoughts when she thinks about what we had together.

    Me: Well it has been two years, and you have never said sorry to her?

    BF: No I havent, Ive tried but Ive never been given the chance. The last time we talked was a year ago, she called me, and I didn’t get the chance. It felt like we were in a relationship, so I didn’t. We just talked about getting coffee and catching up. And we never ended up meeting up. I never heard from her again. But I know that with time, she will come around again. And when she does, I am going to say sorry. ”

    I am confused as to why he wants to say sorry, does this mean he still has baggage/ guilt on his shoulders? Is this a sign that he hasnt fully had closure and I should step back? I told him how this made me feel the next day, and he told me that he wont say sorry to her if she comes around. He said he is completely over her, and thinks I am the most amazing woman in his eyes. He said that it took him two years to get over her, and during that period he was dating girls in a player-like way, not committing to any of them. Bc he knew that he wasnt over his ex. But he said he got over her, and then met me, and felt ready to commit to me. He said if he wasnt over her, he wouldnt be giving me 100 percent of his love right now.

    And then He said “You know what, it was not that important. I didnt know it would make you feel this way. if she calls me or texts me, that is sufficient to know she doesnt hate me anymore and has moved on. I dont need to say sorry ”

    Ive already brought it up enough times, and given him enough grief about it. So i stopped asking him about it, plus he has told me a million times that he is over her. But Id like to get a third opinion here.

  170.  #170Mary on January 28, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    Hi Roni

    I was dating this guy and we were getting along great spending alot of time together he was calling me all the time i wasn’t calling him. We were intimate. We were talking one day about our relationship and he mentioned to me that his ex was calling him all the time and she stilled loved him he was on and off with her for 5 years he told me that he wanted to be with me not her and that he was avoiding her he just wanted to try and be friends with her. because he likes me he did tell her he was dating me. I told him if you think you have unfinished business with her and you need to get it out of your system you should he said no I want to be with you i said ok great. 2 weeks later he calls me and tells me I dont think I want this relationship I think I have feelings for another woman I said your ex he said yes. I said then you better get rid of that picture of me you have (an intimate pic) He said no I said you know she is going to be looking thru you phone he said noone goes thru my phone if she does that will be the end. He texted me the week after he said he wanted to be with her asking me how i Was and how my christmas was and wished me a happy new year Why would he text me after he chose her and keep an intimate pic of me, if he really wanted to be back with his ex .

  171.  #171Rori Raye on January 28, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    Mary – because some men are like that. No other explanation necessary. You’re done with him. Love, Rori

  172.  #172lynn on January 28, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    me and my ex have a child with each other. we split up b4 she was born and two week after we did that he meet and married another woman. It’s been nine years now and he has lift his wife for another woman. who is his ex and has kids of her own. I have always been in love with him. but he would ether keep going back to his soon to be ex wife or the gf he has now. how do i get him to want me back and to be with me.

  173.  #173Rori Raye on January 29, 2012 at 10:37 am

    lynn – please forget about this man except for the fact that he’s the father of your child and you need to be civil and warm with him for the sake of your child IF he acts like a father at all to her….Move on – get on your horse and ride! Love, Rori

  174.  #174Georgia on January 29, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Hi Rori,

    Been exclusive with my boyfriend for over 2 years. We both have an ex (husband & wife). I have little contact with mine- his ex-wife is his “best friend”.

    He tells me often that I am JUST the woman he has always been looking for and insists when I ask that he has no attraction for his ex. Just closeness and friendship. They talk every week.

    Here is where I have problems: He goes and stays with her in her home for a week at a time sometimes. Always because she “needs help”. Fixing things around her house etc. This has happened 3 times. The first time (after 6 months) I acted like it was fine, The second time (after a year) I told him that it crossed my boundries of comfort and asked him not to do it anymore. The third time (after 1.5 years) I told him he disregarded my feelings and broke up with him.

    We got back together after he swore nothing romantic was happening and that he wouldn’t do it anymore and I was THE ONE he wants to be with.

    Just the other day I found an email that he wrote her (I feel AWFUL that I snooped.) He responded to an email she wrote him and told her he had been thinking about her and missing being “Us” with her. He said he misses being a “family” with her (and their 2 dogs).

    I told him I read it. He says I “took it the wrong way”. Rori, I just don’t feel special anymore…is this relationship unhealthy for me?

  175.  #175Rori Raye on January 30, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    Georgia – I just worked with a client with exactly the same situation. If it doesn’t feel good to you – then get out. This isn’t a “brain” call – it’s a “gut” call. I was all for my client giving her guy a chance…not so sure about this one – the quality of the “us” message would make me throw up if I were in your position. Love, Rori

  176.  #176Rita on January 30, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    I was wondering is that the same as a man who has a nagging ex wife who wont go away? How do I respond to that? Do I have to let him tell me each time she texts or calls, gosh too much.

  177.  #177Dennisse on February 5, 2012 at 10:22 am

    Hi I really need your advice herre , me and my ex boyfriend which had dated on and off for about 1 year in a half was still seeing each other even after I was pregnant by him and had his daghter, but during that time he was also seeing and then living. Wit this girl plus then got married to her. ,he is in the navy and is at another state , in about 3 months he is movn close by , and now wit his wife .I am so confuse because he stll wants to come around and stay wit me when he is able to . I know I should have stay away from him when I found out him gettn married but still I can’t , I did refuse to be wit hm for qte sometime ,had so much anger and was very recentfull ,and fell apart , I finally gave in and dint care about his wife , asince we have a daughter and makes it very hard to stay away .He has admit to me that he isn’t in Love wit me ,but that he likes me and loves to be around me and my daughte , but then yet he is Married and I don’t know now what to do,I still love him and want him back , I not sure what he really feels for me and if its really love? that he feels for his wife? To cheat on her ? She is clueless about us seeing about me and him but she is aware we have a child together,.I just feel sooner or later she may need to find out ,before its too late and also gets pregnant by him ,what do you suggest I should do in this case ?

  178.  #178Dennisse on February 5, 2012 at 10:27 am

    Hi I really need your advice herre , me and my ex boyfriend which had dated on and off for about 1 year in a half was still seeing each other even after I was pregnant by him and had his daghter, but during that time he was also seeing and then living. Wit this girl plus then got married to her. ,he is in the navy and is at another state , in about 3 months he is movn close by , and now wit his wife .I am so confuse because he stll wants to come around and stay wit me when he is able to . I know I should have stay away from him when I found out him gettn married but still I can’t , I did refuse to be wit hm for qte sometime ,had so much anger and was very recentfull ,and fell apart , I finally gave in and dint care about his wife , asince we have a daughter and makes it very hard to stay away .He has admit to me that he isn’t in Love wit me ,but that he likes me and loves to be around me and my daughter , but then yet he is Married and feels happy wit her, and I don’t know now what to do,I still love him and want him back , I not sure what he really feels for me and if its really love? that he feels for his wife? To cheat on her ? She is clueless about us seeing about me and him but she is aware we have a child together,.I just feel sooner or later she may need to find out ,before its too late and also gets pregnant by him ,what do you suggest I should do in this case ?

  179.  #179melissa on February 5, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    Hey, my ex of 10 months and i just broke up we even lived together and were only 19 and 21, he got mad at me because i hung out with my friend tom (who has been my friend since 6th grade) but tom tried to kiss me and i told my boyfriend that and now he says he has feelings for his ex (dated for 2 1/2 years) they even went as far as to kiss she gave him a hickey held hands hugged and posted a picture of them on facebook god knows what else happened but he cries to me and tells me he loves me but wont tell her that her not to talk to him because he doesnt want to “hurt her feelings” i really love him and want to be with him but i dont know what i should do please help!

  180.  #180Jennifer on February 6, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Dear Rori,

    I have been in a series of toxic relationships of which after they ended, I took a 3 year break of having a relationship with anyone. Well, there were 2 good men during this time I really liked but they were long distance, did not turn into a relationship, and did not work out. I was also hurting over these men. After a long time of being with nobody and reflecting about what I wanted in a man and relationship, making changes about myself, and deciding I will not settle for less than I deserve, I finally met Dan. We had been dating for over 4 months and talked a month before meeting. However, we broke up just last night. When we met, he was everything I could have possibly wanted. It was strange because we think so much alike. He would say things out loud I thought nobody else thought but me and vice-versa. We had the same interests, same perspectives on life, and had so much fun doing things together. There was a great connection between us. He really pushed the relationship fast on me. At first I resisted and then soon enough fell for him hard and could not say no. As it turned out, he and his ex broke up not long before me. He talked about her often in our relationship. She wants absolutely nothing to do with him. He didn’t understand why and I know there was no closure for him. He is from FL and moved here to PA to go to school. After he finishes in a few months he will move back to FL. The ex lives in FL. He lives about an hour from me and at first, he made so much of an effort to see me every weekend. Money became an issue for him so he couldn’t take me out like he used to and didn’t have gas money to drive here all the time like he was before. I started driving out there all the time, which I never had a problem with, and still don’t, other than after a while it was not being reciprocated. During the course of the relationship, I noticed him becoming distant. When we were together, he always treated me like a queen, even up to last night. Therefore, I treated him like a king. I gave him everything he was looking for in a relationship, which was what he never got from any of his ex girlfriends but always wanted. I treated him this way because that is what we both wanted in a relationship. However, when we were apart, that’s when I would go crazy because he started to see me less, call or text me less, etc. and it became more and more frequent. I realized I was the one doing all of the chasing, trying too hard, that my insecurity showed even though I never spoke up, and that I was exhibiting clingy and needy behaviors that I didn’t even realize I was doing. He also told me he was always too needy in the past and that pushed his girlfriends away. However, he did not show this side with me. Was I the only one he didn’t need because I gave him everything he wanted? I bought Michael Fiore’s “Text the Romance Back.” Then, I felt like I was still chasing applying his methods so I didn’t give it a full chance. Then, I tried Christian Carter’s “Natural and Lasting Attraction” program. It opened my eyes up a lot but I also realized we had a communication problem so I bought Christian Carter’s “Communication Secrets” program which is also great and I almost finished watching. I applied what I learned from all of these programs and it seemed to be working but I didn’t have enough time to try everything I learned or see any progression because I made a crucial mistake.
    Last week, I finally communicated my feelings in a way that would not scare him off and took some pressure away from him. I also said it was his decision to do what he wanted but if things continued the way they were, I will move on from this relationship. He called me more and texted me more all week. Then when Fri. came, I saw on his facebook that he was going out with friends and that he was driving near the city I live in. This hurt because recently he no longer made efforts to see me because he didn’t have “gas money” (one of the excuses) and was making more time for friends than me, which most times involved driving out my way because he lives in the middle of nowhere. He claimed they were paying for gas and drinks. The seeing and calling me less, etc. was ongoing for a while other than the very new progress I was making all week from all I learned. Everything I learned from all these programs and wanted to apply to this relationship was brand new. Well that Fri. night, I attempted to send my friend a text about him driving to go out with friends, wanting to live this single life, and NEVER wanting to spend time with me. I knew I just needed more time for things to progress. Even though I felt progress, it hurt me that he still wanted to go out with his friends instead of me. However, I accidentally sent the text to him. When he responded defensively, I freaked out and said, “Nevermind, do what you want, go out with your friends, meet girls, and go to the strip club.” Then, in another text I apologized and explained how it hurt me that he didn’t want to spend as much time with me. He responded, “After that I don’t…” I’m only human but I never made accusations like that before towards him. I never got to try everything I learned to make him close to me again, like we were before. My texts screamed neediness, clingyness, insecurity, jealousy, etc., everything I was trying to show him that I was changing about myself. The next day, he broke up with me. I immediately said he was right, we should not be together and agreed with the breakup, something else I previously learned in another program to be effective. Then, I immediately deleted him from facebook and am trying the No Contact rule to attempt to move on but I also want him back to try and work on what I started to make this relationship work. The thing is, I know it was not all me and how I was giving him everything he wanted. I feel like he never healed over his ex which was why he couldn’t be close to me. Now I feel like a buffer in a rebound relationship. He said he had feelings for me but I know they were not as strong as I wanted for all of the reasons stated above. Now I am questioning if the feelings he did have for me were even true. I don’t know if I’m looking in the right places with these programs for the answers I am seeking. I did learn a lot from them but get confused on which programs best suit my situation. He will also be moving in 3-6 months, which worries me that I may lose him forever. I feel like we are so compatible but he was only being this way because of how I was being, because of his ex, and bad timing. People say 90% of rebound relationships don’t work out. I would like to do the no contact, change myself more in the process, and allow him to heal. I’m hoping that there is still a chance things could work between us. Do you think this is even possible? Do you think there is no chance because he will always associate comparing me to his ex even after he’s healed? Or do you think I showed him I was too jealous or needy and pushed him away for good? I care about him so much. I don’t want to lose him.

  181.  #181Rori Raye on February 6, 2012 at 9:31 am

    Jennifer, Welcome – and what’s going on here, as I see it, anyway – is that you’re trying to “hit the mark” and ‘say and do the right things that will work with him.” But that’s only part of it. The question is not how you’re talking to him with all this insecurity and need and desperation – it’s that you’re FEELING all of this and not doing anything about it. This is inner work – and you’ve found the right place. Read everything you can here about Power and Self-Esteem – and get help from everyone here (these fantastic women know how to share with you what works for them without TELLING you what to do…) and if you want to start with my work – start with the ebook, then Reconnect Your Relationship, Then Modern Siren, Then Targeting Mr. Right, then Love Scripts – and Toxic Men if that’s been your pattern, and Heart Connection Toolkit just to give you constant support that you can have what you want.

    Bottom line here – what Christian Carter says is true – you can try to make all the sense out of it you want, and figure it out – but ultimately it comes down to ATTRACTION. If he’s not feeling attraction strongly enough, he’ll give in to his other thoughts and feelings and go away. If he’s feeling attraction, he’ll stay no matter what. So – working inside yourself to ramp up your attraction is where it’s at! Love, Rori

  182.  #182Dennisse on February 6, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    Hi Rory , hoping I get some of your feedback , I am Denisse wit the case above ” plz I really need your advice tank you , Denisse

  183.  #183Maribel on February 7, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    Dear Rori, I would like your advise , dunno what to do , I love my daughtesr daddy , but he got married a year ago and its been the hardest thing to deal with alone , eventho he did he still trys to be there for me and my daughter , he says he has something for me but not in Love wit me . He cares and is always and wants to be there for me . He says he loves his wife , but then he cheats on her” so I am confuse , is that really Love ? and has no regrets ,I had refused see him almost 2 yrs , when I found out he was seeing that girl while I was pregnant at the time and pushed him away , but now after his daughter was born I gave in to let him come around and ended gettn intimate again , and since then it happens eveytime we see each other . And I do hate the fact that. He is in the Navy and is at another state , but plans to be nearby in a few months and that worries me , his wife is aware of his daughter but doesn’t have an idea we still seeing each other this way , my ex has also mention to me she she wants to get pregnant soon . So I dont know what to do ? I feel this lady has the right to know what really going on befoere its too late and gets pregnant by him , but then I know he will hate me and that could be the end of it , and prob won’t wanna come see my daughter anymore , Plz help me , and I do feel it is wrong to have settled for this and just let him go instead

  184.  #184Sandy on February 7, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    Hi! just a quick one. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and a half, i think he spilt up with his ex a little while before me. However, he always try to talk to her on facebook and on friday he went out with his friends and he must of saw her out because now he has her number in his phone again. he doesnt know that i know, because he has named it under a different name so i dont ask questions.. on monday we argued, and he just ignored me and was very cold but since then we have sorted things out and back on track he tells me he loves me. but should i be worried about his ex number in his phone?? she knows he has a girlfriend! but how do i find out if they are doing anything behind my back :S please help

  185.  #185Rori Raye on February 7, 2012 at 11:39 pm

    Maribel – All of this soap opera drama seems so real to you, I know – but if you were to read what you wrote as if it were written by someone else – what would you say to them? Most likely exactly what I would say – let him be the best dad in the world to your daughter – encourage that, please – and stay AS FAR AWAY from this man personally as you CAN! Don’t speak to his wife, don’t tell tales about anyone to anyone – stay out of the drama! Please, please get out there and date men until you can see an improvement in their quality – and all of this will change for you. Love, Rori

  186.  #186melissa on February 8, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    Hey, my ex of 10 months and i just broke up we even lived together and were only 19 and 21, he got mad at me because i hung out with my friend tom (who has been my friend since 6th grade) but tom tried to kiss me and i told my boyfriend that and now he says he has feelings for his ex (dated for 2 1/2 years) they even went as far as to kiss she gave him a hickey held hands hugged and posted a picture of them on facebook god knows what else happened but he cries to me and tells me he loves me but wont tell her that her not to talk to him because he doesnt want to “hurt her feelings” i really love him and want to be with him but i dont know what i should do please help!

  187.  #187Allysa on February 11, 2012 at 9:19 am

    Hi Rori! i need a quick heads up!
    okay so my boyfriend and i have been dating for 7 months…and its really good!
    he even gifted me a ring, but today, we met n were talking and he just fell quiet, i asked him what was wrong, he said “i feel im still broken”, he used to date this girl 4 years ago, who cheated on him.
    but i never thought this would happen , because he’s so calm and composed all the time, and he’s really committed to me.
    Whats happening? what do i do? how do i react to this?

  188.  #188Rori Raye on February 11, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Allysa – just nod your head, say “bummer” and say “tell me more…” and LISTEN to him at Level 2 – (It’s in the book – and it’s a crucial tool…) Love, Rori

  189.  #189hayley on February 12, 2012 at 2:22 am

    Hi Rori,

    Am confused I met this guy online over a year ago who had 2 kids an ex wife and financial probs. After the inicial phase we realised that we got on really well, I needed a flatmate and he decided he wanted to live with me. I charged him a regular rent. We even worked together during the day in a sales based job working on commision. The sales were difficult due to climate and things went bad for him financially . He decided that he had no option but to return to his country of origin for a bit where his family had a job lined up for him and hed send money back for his kids. He had always been a bit of a flirt and had never made me and him official in the boyfriend girlfriend sense . Before he went back to his country he went missing a bit and was stressed. He came back to me a couple of days before leaving and was soo sweet and romantic before saying good bye he told me he loved me. The next following days when he had gone I looked at his facebook and saw a message from a girl who he responded to very romantically. It turns out she had been pregnant with his child while he was with me but they werent together (I heard throught the grapevine that she asked for the baby ass she was well off and could support the child as it was her dream to be a mum but als a way to get the father to say with her probably hmm)
    Any way it turns out when he saw the child obviously he became emotionaly involved. He then started to chase me online after I refused to speak to him for this deciet and also tried to see me when he came back for a visit telling me that he wants us to b a couple and hes only friends with her but tries to keep things sweet.
    I then saw him again on his next visit but on this visit he was staying in the house of the mother of his new baby as she was also helping him financially on his stay and I did not offer him to stay with me and his 2 kids met the new baby. He had told me on this visit that he was with nobody but that he wanted a child with ME and was trying to stay in my country and was lookin for work while visiting but unfortunately could not find it so he went back to his country. He tells me all the time he loves me and I dont push for this or anything. He says he wants a child with me (incase we,re together one day and its too late as im of quite an age) although he doesnt know where he is for moment. After declaring this to me I found out that when he went back to his country that the mum of his baby paid to go out there and stay with him a few weeks. He told me this was so his family could see child but im not sure about this…hmmm
    Anyway I cut communication for 3 months AGAIN and where as before he had a profile of him and her on his facbook in a friendly pose he then took it down. I then spoke to him in a friendly manner online as friends as hes as apart from this we did get on and have a connection and he still went on about how he loves me and wants to see me on his next visit…then the next day I see after our chat that he put back up the profile picture of them both on his facebook.(him and the mother of his baby in that friendly pose hmm)..wtf….hahaha…this guy is a player right?..hahah please confirm that I should not take him seriously as he got me hooked in..pffff…what should I do next ?..thanks a million

  190.  #190Lucy on February 12, 2012 at 5:05 am

    So okay after accepting his “confusion” over who he wants to be with (the x or myself), now I told him to make up his mind, figure things out. If he calls/text still be warm, magnetic, loving w/him – but no intimacy right? Or keep up intimacy, don’t bring up topic again, and date other guys?? Or should I have absolutely no contact w/him at all? He means so much to me, but I know I can’t force him to make up his mind nor to love me… I just don’t know what to do when he contacts me again now that I’ve told him to make up his mind? Help!

  191.  #191Sam on February 12, 2012 at 7:14 am

    Me and my ex recently broke up after dating for 2 years just before he went off into the military. I started talking to this guy I have known for years. We have been best friends forever. He asked me out 3 years ago but I said no because there was too much stress in my life and I just wanted to stay friends. Oh and I forgot to add that he just got out of a serious relationship relationship too. Anyways things were going great between us. I really do care about him. He has always been there for me when I needed someone and we flirt with each other all the time. But sometimes I feel like he is still not over his ex. What do I do?

  192.  #192Sam on February 12, 2012 at 7:22 am

    ^^A week ago we would hangout everyday and he would call me and text me but now I havent heard anything from him in 2 weeks

  193.  #193karen214 on February 14, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    ok wat happen was i met my ex 3 mons ago and we were in a relationship…we started dating like 12-08-2011but then we broke up in 12-16-2011 we havent date that long. he broke up with me cuz he said hes so boring and his old ex-gf commited suicide and also he told me that hes aggressive and im 2 fragile and then after x-mas day he starts to call me every night saying ‘hi beautiful and he always saying i love u every time’ o sometimes, also he told me that he wants to get back together..he told me that like 3 months ago. but he needs ‘time’ to think so now were just friends. and now i found out that he’s going back out wth his ex-gf…how??? well i saw a pic of him and his ex kissing and i was heartbroken…if he loves me then why is he dating his ex? i really dont understand..im in love wth ex sooooooo deeply and idk what to do so plz help me plz..does he really loves me???……he really touches my heart 🙁

  194.  #194karen214 on February 14, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    i love my ex and i really want him back he was my 1st…we always mess each other around every day…i dont want to move on i really love him..today on valentines day i brought a little gift and a card and wrote stuff on the card and i wrote ‘why do i love him’ and ‘i missed him’ bt plz help..give me your advice 🙁

  195.  #195Aurora on February 14, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    Been a mistress for 3 years. Boyfriend actually left his family for me but when things started to get rough between us, i found out that he had been going home to his family (whom he has two kids, age 14 and 10). It hurts so much then he would come back to me as if nothing happened. This has been a cycle for a year already. Then we had this big fight where he hit me twice and that made me decide to let him go. I insulted him and now he went back to his ex-wife. Last thing i heard, they’re already okay. Is this his way to get even with me for insulting him. I have every reason to. In the 3 years we were together, he didn’t have work. It was always me. I would even give financial support to his family. Now he shows (as if bragging) to everyone that he and his wife are okay because he knows that I will have friends who are sure to tell me what is going on. I don’t really regret having said what I said and i also didn’t regret about letting him go. It just hurts…need your opinion.

  196.  #196Liz on February 15, 2012 at 6:26 am

    I have been dating this guy for over 7-8 months now. We really like each other, we share many things in common and we enjoy the time we spend together. His friends like me a lot and mine like him too. The issue with us is that while being with me he has been in contact with his ex. We go to the same university and study the same thing so we basically see each other quite a lot. The first time this happened was back in october. He told me that his ex was texting him (he even showed me the texts without me asking), she was saying things like “i wanna see you” “i miss you” and such…He assured me that he had told her to stop the texting because he was with me. – Let me tell you this, I am not a jelous girl, I wasn’t even fighting with him about this, we were fine. – So that october, I ended things with him because, while I wasn’t feeling insecure or anything, I just felt we needed to be distant; I wanted to see if he’d come back for me. So we were broken up for maybe three weeks and during this time, he dated his ex. I don’t remember how but after three weeks of no contact, he started talking texting and messaging me via facebook. We talked and it was nice, I still had feelings for him yet I only sought a friendship. He told me that all this time we weren’t together he was thinking about me and wanted to be with me but thought I hated him, *(I’m the kind of girl that doesn’t buy the whole bs guys talk about)* At the same time we started dating again, he found out he had been accepted for a study abroad program. I was so excited for him because I knew he really wanted this. We spent all our time together. It was the sweetest time. Now he’s in another continent and I’m here thinking that, while we do have this long distance relationship, we’re doing good. Or I thought so. Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, we skyped and he wrote something really cute me on my facebook wall. After we ended skyping, I went on facebook and saw that his ex had written on a mutual friend’s wall that she had been talking to him the night before Valentine’s. I’m not sure if it’s true and I don’t know if I should ask him because I don’t want him to know I’m jelous. I don’t know what to do; I’ve never been this confused over a guy, and not his feelings because I know that he does love me. I do know this but maybe he loves (or still has feelings) for his ex too. Help!

  197.  #197Liz on February 15, 2012 at 6:26 am

    I have been dating this guy for over 7-8 months now. We really like each other, we share many things in common and we enjoy the time we spend together. His friends like me a lot and mine like him too. The issue with us is that while being with me he has been in contact with his ex. We go to the same university and study the same thing so we basically see each other quite a lot. The first time this happened was back in october. He told me that his ex was texting him (he even showed me the texts without me asking), she was saying things like “i wanna see you” “i miss you” and such…He assured me that he had told her to stop the texting because he was with me. – Let me tell you this, I am not a jelous girl, I wasn’t even fighting with him about this, we were fine. – So that october, I ended things with him because, while I wasn’t feeling insecure or anything, I just felt we needed to be distant; I wanted to see if he’d come back for me. So we were broken up for maybe three weeks and during this time, he dated his ex. I don’t remember how but after three weeks of no contact, he started talking texting and messaging me via facebook. We talked and it was nice, I still had feelings for him yet I only sought a friendship. He told me that all this time we weren’t together he was thinking about me and wanted to be with me but thought I hated him, *(I’m the kind of girl that doesn’t buy the whole bs guys talk about)* At the same time we started dating again, he found out he had been accepted for a study abroad program. I was so excited for him because I knew he really wanted this. We spent all our time together. It was the sweetest time. Now he’s in another continent and I’m here thinking that, while we do have this long distance relationship, we’re doing good. Or I thought so. Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, we skyped and he wrote something really cute me on my facebook wall. After we ended skyping, I went on facebook and saw that his ex had written on a mutual friend’s wall that she had been talking to him the night before Valentine’s. I’m not sure if it’s true and I don’t know if I should ask him because I don’t want him to know I’m jelous. I don’t know what to do; I’ve never been this confused over a guy, and not his feelings because I know that he does love me. I do know this but maybe he loves (or still has feelings) for his ex too. Help!

  198.  #198golden blossom on February 15, 2012 at 8:33 am

    Could this be a new theme for your article Rory? Thanks 🙂
    Ex asked told me first he doesnt want to live together and in the next sentence asked me to be friends and lovers again! (He did not clarify his reasons, from what I know it simply stresses him out having another person around!) I got upset and told him I dont want to be his mistress! I didnt tell him I still love him, we got cut off.
    Is there a way to negotiate with your ex to get what u want for both of you?! Not compromize, I mean creating a new situation that works for both?!

  199.  #199Carrie on February 15, 2012 at 9:48 am

    I live in a small town. I was on and off for four years with the same guy (named Lukus), and then over the summer his older brother (Ross) kept trying to find ways to hangout with me. I thought this was to get me brownie points with Lukus, but it turned out that Ross had feelings for me for a long time, just never was open about it. So finally when Lukus and I ended for good, I was just being friends with his brother, I was interested. A few months went by and he truly became one of my best friends, eventually things did turn romantic, he told me that I was the one, that he had never felt this way about anyone besides his very first love. He would stutter around me, would get nervous, and always wanted to be around me, talk to me, etc. No one has ever treated me like this before. Everyone who knows him says that he never acts this way with a woman. So we dated for a few months, and I made a horrible mistake of missing some of my bc and didn’t tell him out of fear of him freaking out. Well he eventually found out and he did freak. In the course of two days he got really distant, not acting like himself. Then all of a sudden we split and he said he couldn’t trust me, etc. But then the day after we split he goes running to his ex and sleeps with her! They have a son together and have been on and off for seven years, and he has always said he’d only go back to her to see his son (shes a bitch and likes to play games against him.) They are back together right now, and he gets to see his son whenever he wants. My question is, I know he is still in love with me, he hints it at his cousin all the time, but what do I do? I haven’t talked to him in about a month, how do I deal with the baby mama and solve this whole problem?

  200.  #200Rori Raye on February 15, 2012 at 11:59 am

    Aurora – I know you’ll find support here…and the coach for you is Virginia Clark – http://www.it‘snevertoolatetomarry.com. She loves working with women who’ve been with married men, and in helping you get your self-esteem together. The question here has nothing to do with him. He’s clearly not the kind of man you want – and once a man hits you – that’s the end of everything unless you’re getting professional help. The question here is – why are you still even thinking about him? It’s sort of like “throwing good after bad…” (And though I don’t like labels, this saying seems to fit here…) Love, Rori

  201.  #201Analise on February 18, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I see that you are giving some really good advice and I was hoping you could help me out with mine. I am reluctant to speak of my situation because in many ways I feel a bit foolish even though I cant really help the way I feel.
    I started dating my ex 3 years ago and we dated for 2 years. It was a really intense relationship and we were really young. When we finally ended it, it was because we knew we couldnt be together, but we still really loved each other. Even though we both wanted to be friends (I usually dont have a problem being friends with my ex’s) we did not speak much for about 2 months. After that, we began talking as friends again. I started seeing other people, and he started doing the same. At one point, we were acting like friends with benefits because we have really intense chemistry. However this stopped when i started seeing someone more seriously and got into a relationship with him. When I would see my ex, he would sometimes come onto me, but when i would say that it was either we be friends or nothing at all, we would act as friends again. I recently broke up with the man I was seeing. I saw my ex and we were both relatively excited because we could act on our impulses again. in the last week, he started seeing someone, which he says is not serious. but he is acting different towards me. even though for all of the past few months when i was seeing someone else, he always came onto me and didnt act differently towards me (he was also seeing other people casually). I dont understand why hes acting this way…and in a way im a bit confused because he only just started seeing this girl and i am finally single again to do what we both want. i dont want anything serious, but i know we have really intense chemistry. his seeing someone else makes me feel uneasy because i feel like i may lose him as the friend and the benefit that hes been. I know that i do love him deeply but i dont want to admit it to him bcecause i dont want a serious relationship right now because my life is too busy for that. also, back when we broke up over year ago, i still really loved him then too but i knew we needed to not be together. i tried seeing other people and thought that my last relationship was a good step forward. but now, i realize that i do really love him and i dont know why his seeing someone else is making me feel so uneasy if i know hes been seeing other girls casually for the past while. maybe because he is acting like this one is serious, but it has still only been going on for about 1-2 weeks. I dont know how to think or what to do. please help me, i appreciate your advice. thanks!

  202.  #202yasmine on February 18, 2012 at 11:52 pm

    Hi Rori!
    There is this guy that i had a thing for a while and one day we made out and it was amazing, but recently when he was texting me he said he wanted to tell his ex about what we did.Now if this was just any other ex i wouldn’t care but the problem is that she is also my best friend.He said he needed to tell her because they have so much chemistry and he wants to get back together with her!i don’t want her to hate me but i think i love him!Please help me!

  203.  #203Rori Raye on February 19, 2012 at 11:10 am

    yasmine – I’m not sure if I can help you because you seem so very young. I’m guessing you’re in high school, and so I can’t even have you here. If you’re actually in college or older – please know that this is WAY beneath you. Get away from any man who’s in love with your best friend. This is not a good way to start your love life. Love, Rori

  204.  #204Rori Raye on February 19, 2012 at 11:14 am

    Analise – this situation is crazy making. Get out of it with the truth. Tell him straight-out that you’re in love with him and feel jealous about this other woman, and that if there’s nothing possible between you for the long term – then you need a “break” to get started CDing. Love, Rori

  205.  #205Analise on February 19, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    Thank you so much for listening and providing my with some advice, Rori. I really appreciate it.

    I guess after reading your reply, I questioned whether I really was jealous. Because I do not want to be with him in a committed serious relationship. But i see what you are saying. I know i am being selfish by not wanting a serious relaitonship with him, but then feeling uneasy about being with another girl a little more than casually.

    I dont know how to tell him that i love him. I have been trying to show him a tough exterior and trying to convince him that I really dont have feelings for him the same way anymore. I am scared that if i tell him he will walk away and than i will lose him forever. thinking about losing him makes me queezy. but thinking about him with someone else when i cant have him makes me queezy too. its such an odd feeling because i want to be selfless and let him be happy, if that means with someone else, than ok. but then a large part of me just doesnt know how to handle it. I mean the majority of girls from the past year were very casual. it may just be that because i am recently single, I am taking more interest in him and realizing that he has other interests too. i feel like i am losing my mind thinking so much about this. 🙁

  206.  #206ange marie on February 20, 2012 at 7:49 am

    i have been in a 5 years relations with my boyfriend;
    he is married and have a son .they are staying in a different country , he go one in a year for one month to meet them.
    i also have a baby with him
    first he didn’t tell me that he is married when i came to know , i was deep in love and
    told me that he will divorce her , that he didn’t like her that they didn’t have sex since few years , then i said OK fine , she know about our relation , but she think that its a fuck and forget story
    after my delivery , i told him to tell her that we have a baby but he was afraid saying that , she will go to depression, OK then what about divorce, he said give me sometime , then i took her email address silently ans i inform her myself .
    the she and me start sharing everything and she said she dont love him that she will divorce
    but recently i saw them chatting and saying i love you me too to each others then my mind is confused

  207.  #207ange marie on February 20, 2012 at 7:51 am

    sorry i”m french speaking girl and English is bad

  208.  #208Sandy on February 20, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Rori why havent you replied to my email??

  209.  #209Lynsay on February 20, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    I have been seeing my fiance’ for a little over 4 months now but have known eachother for 5 years or so. His ex (of 6 years) took the kids and moved 6 and half hours drive away with them when she found out we were together. She finally started calling and letting him talk to the kids last weekend for the first time in 4 months. Then she also let him come to see them to visit. It killed him to have to leave them crying and asking him to stay. And he thinks the only way he’s going to get to see them as often as he wants is to go back to her (which she also persued him about when he went to see the girls) and be miserable. Were both suffering from this choice he has to make. He’s a wreck. I’m a mess. I can’t compare to his kids. He says he has feelings for her because she is the mother of his kids but nothing more. He loves me so much, he just purposed before she contacted him… he’s torn. What should I do?

  210.  #210Rori Raye on February 20, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    OMG, Lynsay – has he seen an attorney? He has rights. She can’t just up and move them like that – unless your state has those laws….Love, Rori

  211.  #211AnneMarie on February 20, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    Hi rori… I was married an we had two kids together of our own a his daughter from a previous marriage well things went south an we divorced we both have dated around he has made numerous comments in the past about wanting to get back together but I was dating someone an didn’t think it was what I wanted to try again well I am now single an have been for about 6 mnths an decided that I truly missed my ex husband come to find out he is now in a relationship for about 3 months they have spent a lot of time together even vacationing together so it seems pretty serious from the outside looking in. I have tried very hard to try an spend time with him an our kids …. Dinner movies hanging at the house with the kids church all of those things I told him I loved him still an now he has told me that he doesn’t know what ur wants an he isn’t sure about trying to work it out again. He thinks he’s moved on.. only thing that is confussing to me is when I asked him if he still loved me an he said yes then asked him if he feels like she completes him an his anwser is no an asked him if he loves her an he says no but he says he has feelings for her I am lost I don’t know what to do an feel like I need some advice plz help

  212.  #212Lynsay on February 20, 2012 at 6:43 pm

    One word… money. We just don’t have it for an attorney right now. And I don’t think he could bare to wait until we save enough. And because they weren’t married there’s not much we can do about her leaving state with them. I guess the law here doesn’t really protect parents rights who have children out of wedlock. It’s so confusing. I hate this. God I don’t want to lose him. I have been with some real losers in my day… He’s unlike any man I have ever met… honestly. He’s so great, like one of those men girls are always wishing they could find. He wants so bad not to leave, but he needs those girls. We are trying to figure something out… Thank you! Please give me any more advice you have, I’m so numb and lost.

  213.  #213Sarah on February 23, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    Hi Lori, So the guy i had been seeing ive known him 7 years but reconnected on facebook in middle of jan. We hung out and hit it off instantly then made it official jan 24th.. everything was going great we started falling for eachother and were really happy and his daughter loved me..Last week we talked and he said he didnt know what he really wanted so we decided to give eachother some space and see what happens well we talked yesterday and he came to bring me some thing i left at his apartment. We decided to be friends for now and see where it goes. Well to find out later that night from him hes not over his ex who he has his daughter with.. an they have been talking about getting back together. But are not getting back together yet cuz hes not sure. But after seeing me after we hadnt seen eachother for like almost 2 weeks.. And the time he hasnt seen me he also deleted me from facebook and my birhday was sunday and he didnt say happy birthday or nothing then the day after he deleted me from facebook.. then when he came by to bring me my stuff he new i had thoughts about doing my hair but didnt know i had done it so when he saw me i looked completely diff and he was shocked.. but seeing me brought back all the feelings he has for me. Doesnt know what he wants between me and her.. he said he never wanted things to end between him and his ex but she cheated on him for 7 months… i know if he goes back with her things wont change and hes not gonna be happy. He said he still cares about me and has alot of feelings still for me.. But i dont know what to do i fell for him faster than i expected.. his ex didnt know we were together.. I miss him all the time and i dont know what to do if i should let it go… or wait and see what he decides.. but i also feel like his ex has more chances than i do at being with him

  214.  #214ROSE on February 29, 2012 at 5:37 am


    I’m married and separated women. My ex husband is drug addict and we both not match for each others. each time agrue. He wont have sex with me . I met a guy after left me ex. He is divorced with 2 kids. Been married for 18 yrs and seprated just for 2 yrs now. we both likes each others almost 9 months now. I crazy and loves him so much. But he said time to time he miss me, he likes me so much, but til today he cant find love in me. It’s hurts me alot. This kind men, really will marry me or they just pass time.

  215.  #215Crystal on February 29, 2012 at 10:46 am

    Wanting to know what to think i have known this guy for 3 months and now we are boyfriend/girlfriend but his ex which is his daughters mom she is homeless and has been staying with him for a month last wkend spent the wkend together he was affectionate in front of her and everything wondering if you could tell me how i can trust a man that has his ex living with him. or what i can do about this situation.

  216.  #216Rori Raye on February 29, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    Crystal – Did I get this right that he was affectionate with YOU in front of her? Either he’s a stellar guy honoring the mother of his daughter…or this is more baggage than you want…or both…Love, Rori

  217.  #217Crystal on February 29, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    Yes he was affectionate in front of her with me but i have a son too. we all got along his ex was making nice comments about shes your girlfriend and we were looking at eachother and she had said awww you to are making googly eyes at eachother and she has a boyfriend in a different state cuz they lost their apartment .I do have trust issues because of my past relationships…Any more advice.

  218.  #218nancy on February 29, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    i’ve been 10 months a close friend to a guy who has gf for 6 months , they had a lot of problems together but i was so sure that he was deeply in love with her , but because of these problems he got closer to me he treated me like his girlfriend so nice with me do a lot of things to me more than any friend to him , he broke up with her and i stayed away from him for one month i didnt want to be a compensation , bt after 3 months of the break up , he told me that he loves me , i love him too so much , but i noticed that he is hesitant all the time , he may stays not calling for five days he didnt act like this even when we were just friends he was hot and cold , and another thing that bothered me that he insisted to remain friend with his ex , so i fed up i sent him telling him that i cant keep going on this way , he didnt even reply me and when i called him 6 days later he was very stiff with me and belamed me for not estimate his circumstances , he told me i’d never be with 2 at the same time and if i’m back with her i need time to get over you
    after only 2 weeks he is back with her , he removed me from facebook and msn , he didn’t want me even as afriend like he wanted her , i dont know what i did wrong to him to hurt me that much , when he saw me last time he started joking and kidding with me as if he didn’t do anything to me , he put his mobile wallpaper a pic of my birthday surprise party he did to me why he is acting like this , and in the same time being so intimate with his gf infront of me , he has astone heart or what :s i want to know has he ever loved me ?? is he over me now ?

  219.  #219Renee on March 1, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Ive been dating this guy hes ten years older than me. Well its been two years we been dealing its been mostly sex mutual friends. Now he has this ex when hes mad with her he talks about her bad then when there back together im still called for sex what should I do

  220.  #220racquela on March 1, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    hi, my name is Racquela and I have been with someone for a yr and had a baby shes 5months now and recently after income tax the guy i was with left me and is now tryn to be with his ex saying he loves her blah bla blah ….how should I take this? What should I do?

  221.  #221Rori Raye on March 1, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    racquela, welcome, and I deleted your last name for your privacy – the thing for you to do is cultivate this man as a friend and encourage him every way you can to be a good father to your child – and FORGET ANYTHING about a romance or relationship with him right now. Focus on your child and yourself. When you’re out and about – even with your baby – talk to people, practice my tools, practice breathing and not thinking about this man – make new friends. Take him out of the picture for yourself as a possible partner. He is NOT there for you romantically. But you WANT him to be a good father – so go for THAT! (and make sure he does his share of financial support!) Love, Rori

  222.  #222Rori Raye on March 1, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    Renee – my heart breaks when I read a letter like yours. What should you do? DUMP HIM totally out of your life!!!!! It’s easy to find sex partners. Find one who treats you like gold. Love, Rori

  223.  #223Rori Raye on March 1, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    nancy – he’s a child. Leave him be and go get yourself a grown man without baggage. Circular Date. You can do this! Love, Rori

  224.  #224Sandy on March 1, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    Hi, I have been with my partner for 4 years and in those 4 years he has left me 5 times going back and forth to the ex wife, within a day he phones letting me know that he had made the wrong decision and some of those times is back the next day, 2 times have been 3 months apart then back home.
    It is always that the ex wants life her way and that she uses the girls (3) of you will not see them if you don’t do what I want and how I want it !!!
    The girls use to come and stay over in the first year and then the ex stopped it, but my partner did not enforce the parenting plan of his rights as a father, his idea is if he keeps the ex happy then the girls are happy ?
    But to be honest after 4 years no one is still happy at all ? It is just a vicious circle of shit !!!
    I love him, but I feel I have given so much of my life in supporting him openly, trusting him and loving him 100%.
    I feel now that everyone has had time enough to move on, but nothing moves on and the same stipulations from the ex is a given !
    I want our happiness, but honestly can’t see him or his ex changing on ways.
    Families are suppose to support and be caring and try to get along, but no one does, it’s like she doesn’t want me to exist, so the pressure is for him to choose time and time again !
    I don’t want him to choose between his girls and me, I would just like some part of life that could be amicable between everyone, with a bit of happiness coming into all our lives !
    Is it too much to ask ? Or just a dream ?

  225.  #225Crystal on March 2, 2012 at 6:12 am

    Yes he was affectionate in front of her with me but i have a son too. we all got along his ex was making nice comments about shes your girlfriend and we were looking at eachother and she had said awww you to are making googly eyes at eachother and she has a boyfriend in a different state cuz they lost their apartment .I do have trust issues because of my past relationships…Any more advice.

  226.  #226Crystal on March 2, 2012 at 6:13 am

    Any more advice for my last comment i had wrote you….

  227.  #227Whitney on March 2, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    I have been dating this guy for about 2 months now…I have known him, and we have been friends for about a year and half…During this time he was in a long distance relationship with someone. Not to focus so much on her, but she was immature and they never really had an adult relationship and barely saw one another. Regardless there were some emotional attachments nothing too serious but it was still a type of relationship. Anyway, they broke up some time in december and shortly after we started talking. There had always been a spark between us, but of course I never acted upon because of her. Well a little bit after that he needed a place to crash for a little while so he could look for an apartment. So of course I told him yes, even though it made me uncomfortable that we were so fresh in the game and we were gonna be in each others personal space so soon. I expressed this to him, but he was a friend first so I said yes. We were okay for a while, then the space thing became an issue. We always communicated in a healthy way so that was good. Our biggest issue was sex, he said when we have sex all the time it makes him feel like he is in a committed relationship. This kind of irritated me because I don’t feel that way, but I try to respect that. He gives me mixed signals though. We would discuss how it makes him feel uncomfortable(the sex) and then later that night he would be all playful and try to have sex. It was messing with my mind. I told him it is not all about him and how he feels and that it matters how I feel too. My whole dilemma is that he did just go through a break up and he should be worrying about him, but then on the other part of that what do you do if you meet someone that the chemistry is so right and everything just kind of lines up where it should. Do I let it go or do I fight for it? He just moved out and it has been a little awkward, more for me than him I am sure. The only thing that really ticked me off was that we had a conversation about his ex and he said he wasn’t ready to see her because he wanted to keep what we had and all this stuff(granted he had a few drinks). So then on Tuesday he borrows her truck to move his stuff!!! I was so upset! help.

  228.  #228Rori Raye on March 2, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    Whitney – You sound level-headed and grounded. STAY that way! Just take it day-by-day and see what happens. Use the Circular Dating tool to stay sane. And use your very good assessment to see how this feels for you as it goes along. Either he’s into you or he isn’t. Give him a chance to let it all shake out – but don’t allow yourself to invest in him emotionally and exclusively until it feels good to YOU! Love, Rori

  229.  #229Marie on March 4, 2012 at 10:51 am

    I met this amazing man last year, we are both in our early 30’s, he had a girlfriend at the time (he was in a 4 month relationship), he broke up with her a short while after we met. we started dating (or so I though we were), acting like a couple, we agreed we were exclusive, always together on weekends, meeting his family (his WHOLE family, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents), and not just once, I mean ALL THE TIME with his family. BUT some things were odd, for example he refused to bring me to the restaurant because he said he wasn’t “ready” to be emotionally open with someone, and that for now we were just friends (but acting like a real couple??). he kept on telling me “be patient with me please” so I figure we are making progress, but other times he told me “don’t get your hopes up” or things like “i could date whoever I want if i want to, but I’m not right now”, weird comments like that, and after 2 days he would say “sorry that was a stupid comment”…we were seeing each other more and more, getting along amazingly well, going away on weekends together, it was perfect. And then last week I had this “feeling”, so i asked him “if you were to go back would you have stayed with your ex?” and he said “yes”, i was SHOCKED! he said but it’s “too late” now because “she moved on with someone else” (he just found out last month that she has a boyfriend). he also said that he though that spending all this time with me would make him forget about her and that he though his feelings for me would grow, but that he’s unable to make his feelings grow right now because he’s emotionally not ready. 1 year for what!!!??? why waste my time! I know he’s a kind, warm hearted person and never meant to hurt me, trust me he didn’t do this for the sex or because he’s a player, not at all. he says that he always runs from his relationships and that he should have stayed with his ex and make it work (4 months with her versus 1 year with me?!?!). I told him I wish him the best, that he’s a great person, and that he deserves to be happy, to take the time he needs to find what he’s looking for, but I also told him i though that he was ONCE AGAIN running from his relationship with me and finding any excuse to leave me. I told him I don’t think he loves his ex and I think he’s confused. Since then he’s been emailing me and calling me non stop, inviting me over his house, I refuse to go, I don’t reply to his emails. It’s only been 4 days… I feel like I’m dying inside. I don’t Know what to do! HELP! oh and I should mention I really don’t want to date anyone else right now, I feel like I would be betraying him and I’m just not ready to date! And I KNOW he’s not dating anyone else. I know I’m stopping myself from moving on hoping he will come back 🙁

  230.  #230Beth on March 4, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I was with my fiance for four years…Things were great! We were planning our wedding and planning to have children after we got married, we were even looking at buying a house. One day just before Christmas we got in an argument about children and out of the blue he said he didn’t what to marry me. I found out that he had been talking to his ex girlfriend for four days before he decided to jump ship and call off our wedding. They were in a relationship for about a year…6 years ago. According to friends a family, they had a horrible relationship were they fought constantly. She moved on and had two kids (who are both very young) with her then boyfriend. Anyway, he jumped into a relationship with his ex girlfriend the day he broke my heart…didn’t waste anytime. He was so happy as soon as he broke my heart…very hard for me to watch!
    Anyway I moved out and returned all his belongings, got my closure (told him this was the best thing) and wished my ex well! This occurred in a matter of two months. Other than seeing my ex at work from a distance, I had not talked to him in over two weeks. At work he usually ignores me and shies away when he sees me coming. Or if runs into me he will say Hi very sadly and paste a sad/pathetic smile on his face. Last week after not talking to him I get a text that asks how I am doing and was so nice and sincere…text was filled with :). I am so confused….I love my ex very much! Why does he act so sad around me now and didn’t after it first happened? Does he want me back, is he regretting his decision, or is he just toying with me?
    I know that we can have a great relationship…I firmly believe that my ex did this because he is afraid of commitment and doesn’t really know what he wants…I know he loves me! What do I do now? I am very confused.
    I know I have skimmed through a lot of my story and have left a lot of information out…but I am hoping you could give me some advice!
    Thank you

  231.  #231Nicola on March 5, 2012 at 8:01 am

    Hi, I was with a guy for four months, we met through his ex who was a friend of mine at the time. Things got serious with us and he left her. I’m pregnant now but we split up afta a big argument and on the same day he got back with his ex. I don’t understand how he could be so heartless and find it so easy to just forget me and go back to her. Plus they live in the same street. Please help I’m in bits!

  232.  #232claudette on March 5, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Hi Rori I’m hoping you can help me. I’m married to a divorced man the divorce was his ex’s idea. In the begining he chose her over me all the time. She didn’t want him but would do things to make sure she still had him. Eventually I was able to stop the communcating about things other than the kids. Things have been so great we got married. Since we got married his ex is doing things to get him back. When I tell him he blows it off and says I’m being paranoid and he loves me so who cares. Only she’s been coming up more in conversations, he’s been noticing all the changes she’s made to her apperance and has been asking his children from her if she talks about him. I want to believe its nothing but I can’t help how I feel.

  233.  #233Sandy on March 5, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    I met this guy 10 months ago, and we became inseparable. We had a class together, and we always sat together in class. He became my best friend. At the time, he was seeing this girl, and it wasn’t serious. He would never call her his girlfriend because she said was not ready.
    A few months ago, we kind of began dating, and it was serious with me. He changed his FB status, he wanted me to meet his family, and he treated me like I was his princess. We were so happy or at least I was.
    A week after our first kiss, he seemed distant, and cold. I thought it was due to stress because of his coming exams, however, he commented me, his ex called him, and told him she was sad because he had changed his FB status to a relationship without telling her first.
    He kept being distant and cold with me, so I confronted him, and he dumped me. What he said? “He was sorry, and wanted to go back to be just friends”
    He said he was confused, and his graduation would break us apart, and he was saving me for heartache. We had immature fights over texting later that day… and now we are total strangers. Although he said I meant a lot in his life, he never ever talks to me or make eye contact. We used to wave Hi!, but I stopped cause it hurt too much.
    He is always outside when I get out of class, sometimes alone, and sometimes with her. I hate he never gave me a real chance.

  234.  #234Sandy on March 6, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    Hi Rori, Sandy from 1 March @ 6.20pm I was wondering if you had an answer for me or can help clarify things, although I think I’m getting there on my own on clarification. To walk away, no contact with him forever.

  235.  #235Kasey on March 6, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I am on the other side of this. I am married but am seperated from my soon to be ex husband. We have been seperated 6 months but have continued a sexual relationship since we broke up… Just over a month ago he informs me he has a new gf and has already introduced our son to her but this has not stopped him from coming around every couple of weeks saying he wants to be friends and get along for our sons sake, however this always leads to us ending up in bed together…Yes I still have feelings for him and probably do encourage his flirtations but as soon as it is done he says it was a mistake and wants to to work on the relationship with the new girlfriend… Why do men or people in general do this? It is just hurtful! I am trying my hardest to walk away from it all but it is so hard! Any tips?

  236.  #236Rori Raye on March 6, 2012 at 9:44 pm

    Kasey – Your question about him isn’t the question to ask. The question to ask is – what are you doing sleeping with him if he has a girlfriend and says he wants to be friends with you? What man WOULDN’T want to sleep with you – especially if you’re the mother of his son? Friends with benefits is a time-honored situation…and if you don’t want that, don’t go there. Love, Rori

  237.  #237madeline on March 8, 2012 at 1:22 pm


    Please help me. I entered a open relationship with a man two years ago. I decided I couldn’t have one. I would be open to swinging and doing things together, but couldn’t handle him with others alone with out me. He said o.k.. Fast forward two years later and he has an ex that he was in love with and was going to marry who left him in the middle of the night 6 years ago. Through the years she has kept in contact with him via email. He would respond back and occasionally reach out to her.
    She lives out of state. But recently came up her for business. He met her without telling me. I busted him and he admitted it stating he didn’t tell me cuz I would of freaked, and he wanted closure. Now he wants to be in contact with her and have occasional sex with her when she comes to town.
    He says I am the one he wants to be with as a girlfriend, and she is just a playtoy, but that he still loves her, but not the same as before when he was with her. I tried to be understanding and try an open relationship again. But I so am against him and her having this LDR and occasional sex. I think it is playing with fire. She is married, is willing to leave her husband and their break up was really really bad, she hurt him. He told her he don’t want her back cuz of what she did but he’ll do playdates, only cuz of me, and she was fine with that, she will take whatever he will give her.
    I don’t understand how some girl who was the love of your life who destroyed your world comes back when your supposedly inlove with someone else and want anything to do with her.
    Is it possible to be with someone, love them, and still be with your ex? I just don’t get it, and he says it is completely possible, he loves me and he is in control.

  238.  #238Rori Raye on March 8, 2012 at 11:07 pm

    madeleine – without any judgment about the “open relationship,” I can hear that you’re unhappy. And that’s ALL that’s important. You want something different from what he’s offering. Don’t try to change what he wants…he’s been clear as a bell. If it were me, I’d get out of that situation NOW. This minute, stay out of contact with him completely, cut it off, end of story.

    He’ll go back and forth, try to talk you into it – please don’t buy into it. It’s just not the scenario you want, where there’s ANY sharing of him with other women. You’ve stated it clearly.

    Please get out and Circular Date – you’ll meet tons of great men, I know you will. Love, Rori

  239.  #239Julia on March 12, 2012 at 10:19 am

    Hi Rori..

    I recently broke up with my bf, we dated for almost 1 1/2 years. We got into a huge argument and he said some inappropriate things. This isn’t the first time he’s been rude and disrespectful to me. We haven’t spoken since our last argument 5 weeks ago. It’s hard to move on since he’s not remorseful for how he treated me. I’ve tried dating other men and moving on but I still love him dearly. I’m not sure what to do or how to go about getting him to contact me. At times I think his non contact is a way to get back at me as he always blames me for the arguments. Should I move on or try to save what we had? If I should move on.. how do I go about this? Dating other men and working on myself hasn’t helped.

  240.  #240Amanda on March 12, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    I am dating a guy who broke up with his girlfriend 2 years ago, but they were in a relationship for 11 years!!! I asked about her and he told me all the story… she is going to marry another guy soon. He told me he liked me a lot, and we spend a lot of time together he calls me everyday and see him often but he is not sure about having a serious relationship now.. does he still love his exgirlfriend?? is that the reason why he doesn’t want a serious relationship? if so… how long would it take him to forget her?

  241.  #241Rori Raye on March 12, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    Amanda – if he’s still into his ex – he’ll never get into you the way you want….be sure you’re Circular Dating…Love, Rori

  242.  #242Misty on March 13, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    I was dating a guy for a month and a half. He was very heartbroken and wanted to get over his ex girlfriend. Things between us were going good, he began to trust me a lot, and I pretty much won his confidence towards me. A while ago, almost two weeks he confessed to me that he had interacted with his ex girlfriend and asked me if we could take a break, so I decided to give him a break so he can determine what he really wanted. Now I do understand where hes coming from, he was in a relationship for almost two years, and sadly him and his ex work together, even though now they are not officially dating. But I am carious because It has been almost two weeks since we haven’t talked and I don’t know, if I should just Let it be and move on, or hit him up. I’m really afraid to contact him because I don’t want him to tell me something I don’t want to hear. But also I want to know what can happen if i decide to talk to him again. SOS someone help me.

  243.  #243Amli on March 15, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Hi Rory,
    it’s about one month I went no contact with my man.
    It’s all so complicated, but I’ll try to resume it as better as possible.
    I dated him for two years and 1 1/2 year ago he decided to break up with me because he didn’t trust me. He used to love me so much in that period and was so jealous of me.
    Since then, I have always tried to get him back, still by not pushing things too much, just by getting closer to him slowly. I used to work in the same place he does, so we used to see each other every day.
    During this period he got a new girlfriend (I was sure she was a rebound) and during this year he got in and off her more than 10 times. He told me that they argue too much because they have incompatibility issues. Anyway in december, when i changed my job, he missed me so much and he contacted me and told me he wanted to see me. In one year he had always refuse to meet me outside the working place, he hold me was afraid of getting in temptation). He told me that he is not feeling good in his relationship and that he regrets what we used to have. And that I am the person who knows and understand him better than anyone else, the only woman with whom he can be just himself. We met, made love, and he decided to break up with his girlfriend. She obviously didn’t accept it so she tries to approach him in many ways (they have so many friends in common, as they come from the same country), so the knew each other since they were kids, but they never had a relationship before. So we kept dating for 1 month and a half, when he told me almost anything about their relationship and how much he was unhappy with it. But one day he called me and told me he decided to meet her to talk about their relationship. He used to see her everyday in the morning, when getting to the place of work (his place is near her working place). So one day they had breakfast together and she asked him to meet at his place in the afternoon to talk about their relationship, and he accepted. When he told me about that, I told him a a calm manner that he should do what he thinks would be the best thing for him, but if he will decide to step back with her, then I will not be there for him in any form, i.e no sms, no chat, no e-mail, nothing, because as he will be doing the best for him, I will be doing the best for me. So I went no contact. I didn’t hear from him since then, what made me think he came back to her. Since then I know he checks every day the email address he opened only for me, and three weeks after initiating no contact, he e-mailed me asking how I was doing, just two rows. I didn’t answer at all, because it wasn’t what I was expecting from him. And two days ago I met a friend we have in common who told me that he has him asked about me and that when he would meet me, just to send me his greetings. I told him to thank him. That’s all. I know it’s so complicated everything, but I know we had something special and I just don’t understand why he made this decision, based on what. I was pretty sure that he would chose me, not her.. Anyway, now I need some feedback from you please. I thought that day by day I will feel better, but no, I am feeling worse :-(. I can’t belive he is letting me go.. Thank you in advance for your response

  244.  #244Amli on March 15, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Hi Rory,
    it’s about one month I went no contact with my man.
    It’s all so complicated, but I’ll try to resume it as better as possible.
    I dated him for two years and 1 1/2 year ago he decided to break up with me because he didn’t trust me. He used to love me so much in that period and was so jealous of me.
    Since then, I have always tried to get him back, still by not pushing things too much, just by getting closer to him slowly. I used to work in the same place he does, so we used to see each other every day.
    During this period he got a new girlfriend (I was sure she was a rebound) and during this year he got in and off her more than 10 times. He told me that they argue too much because they have incompatibility issues. Anyway in december, when i changed my job, he missed me so much and he contacted me and told me he wanted to see me. In one year he had always refuse to meet me outside the working place, he hold me was afraid of getting in temptation). He told me that he is not feeling good in his relationship and that he regrets what we used to have. And that I am the person who knows and understand him better than anyone else, the only woman with whom he can be just himself. We met, made love, and he decided to break up with his girlfriend. She obviously didn’t accept it so she tries to approach him in many ways (they have so many friends in common, as they come from the same country), so the knew each other since they were kids, but they never had a relationship before. So we kept dating for 1 month and a half, when he told me almost anything about their relationship and how much he was unhappy with it. But one day he called me and told me he decided to meet her to talk about their relationship. He used to see her everyday in the morning, when getting to the place of work (his place is near her working place). So one day they had breakfast together and she asked him to meet at his place in the afternoon to talk about their relationship, and he accepted. When he told me about that, I told him a a calm manner that he should do what he thinks would be the best thing for him, but if he will decide to step back with her, then I will not be there for him in any form, i.e no sms, no chat, no e-mail, nothing, because as he will be doing the best for him, I will be doing the best for me. So I went no contact. I didn’t hear from him since then, what made me think he came back to her. Since then I know he checks every day the email address he opened only for me, and three weeks after initiating no contact, he e-mailed me asking how I was doing, just two rows. I didn’t answer at all, because it wasn’t what I was expecting from him. And two days ago I met a friend we have in common who told me that he has him asked about me and that when he would meet me, just to send me his greetings. I told him to thank him. That’s all. I know it’s so complicated everything, but I know we had something special and I just don’t understand why he made this decision, based on what. I was pretty sure that he would chose me, not her.. Anyway, now I need some feedback from you please. I thought that day by day I will feel better, but no, I am feeling worse :-(. I can’t belive he is letting me go.. Thank you in advance for your response

  245.  #245jolie on March 18, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Brian left this afternoon for Paris and he wrote me a text saying he loved me. I cannot believe it. I want to thank you for always being there, I am so touched by your work and your kindness. Thanks

  246.  #246shix on March 18, 2012 at 7:07 pm

    We have been staying together since last year august, his parents have someone they would like him to marry, they came to my house a few days ago pressured him, till finally our house became suffocating for all of us. i opted to take a break and he offered to move out but is reluctant to carry his personal effects from my house and still offers to be the handy man in my house, yet his parents have insisted he lives with this other woman and he said he is considdering it, he calls to find out how am doing, he moved out on friday night sunday morning he wanted to see me to settle issues so he came over to my place very early morning, now he wants to come fix something in my house tommorrow, he refuses to speak about his feelings?

  247.  #247ina on March 18, 2012 at 7:12 pm

    Hi Rory,

    I have read some great advice you have given to your readers,I was hoping if you could shed some light on my situation too,your help is desperately needed and really appreciated.
    I started dating who I thought was a wonderful guy last year for about 3 months. This man was kind, sweet, attractive, he had manners and knew how to be a gentleman. He was smart and successful too. Everything about him seemed just right and he is one year older than me.I told all my friends and family about us and from day one he started introducing me to his friends too. He was even more special because I lost my virginity to him too, I am not a teenager,I waited until my early twnties for personal reasons. I thought he is my ideal.He seemed very honest too, while we were dating there were never any suspicious phone calls or red flags as far as I paid attention. Things seem to be going good, he would reassure me by saying things like I wish you would stay with me forever and it never seemed fake. However it all started to change when he went for a visit back to his home country for new year’s. The whole time he was there he didn’t make a phone call. I did tho and he would reply back with kind words reassuring me that he misses me too, still nothing felt strange.
    After he returned I still didn’t hear from him for a few days. Again III got in touch with him and told him that I’ve missed him alot but also felt abit hurt since he he didn’t even try to contact me. He told me he was busy and I didn’t think anything much of it because he was busy as a matter of fact with work and moving to a new apartment.
    To my dissapointment however, I did not hear from him again for another week, all the while I felt if I keep calling him I will seem desperate, so instead I waited for an initiative from his side. Well that did not go anywhere, finally I figured maybe this guy doesn’t even want to be with me he has shut me off, he doesn’t give me any particular reason, he doesn’t even try, so as much as it hurts maybe it’s time to just let him be. I called and said I would like my belongings back. He pleaded with me to go visit him because he was thinking about me and was going to call me so considering I was head over hills for this guy I agreed and went over. I asked him why he has been distant with me and he explained to me that his uncle’s wife had passed away and that his new years was spent only with family and he was so busy. Looking back, seems clear he put together a bunch of excuses that weren’t really cutting it but I loved this man so I believed him.
    That night I happened to be very sick and in pain and I was emotionally unstable too because I was still hurt that he had ignored me. I was crying and also with the fact that I was in pain,I did not prefer to stay over. He did not use force but he wouldn’t let me leave and convinced me to stay over. To make things look normal he was being playful and affectionate again, he told me (we were at his new apartment) jokingly “how do you like your new apartment by the way” I was happy that we are back together. We slept with eachother again and he dropped me off the next day with a smile on his face.To my dissapointment he did not call the following two days. I called him a few times and he wouldn’t pick up finally I told him whatever’s keeping him busy, I hope he has fun because I can’t take it anymore, it’s unfair to play with my head like that. He called me back rightaway and dropped a bomb saying that while he was back in his home country he brought up the topic of wanting a serious relationship with me to his family and they disagreed because they would want him to marry someone else! I was shocked and hurt he had never mentioned that his family was THAT traditional before and I was even more upset because knowing he was going to break up with me and even seeing me cry over him he still convinced me with all his might to stay over for what seemed to be for the implicit purpose sex a few nights before. I felt stupid and taken advantage of and his response was “well If I’d told you then we would’ve been fighting probably so instead we enjoyed our time and had fun and I couldn’t helpt it when you were next to me” I was very upset but I figured maybe he just didn’t know how to handle that situation so I still told him that if there is something I can do to make it right I would, or if he is unhappy about anything that he wants me to work on he should just be honest with me because the parents seemed abit like a cop out excuse to me and was quite hard to digest. He assured me that is infact a family issue and he kept giving me different versions of the story… Finally he proposed the idea to be him with no expectations until he gets married so we could at least enjoy eachother, I know this sounds terrible to agree to such a degrading request, but I loved him and thought to myself maybe I can make him fall in love with me, make him or his parents change their mind. This arrangement went on about two and half months but at the end of the day it was too painful and I said I couldn’t do it anymore.
    It hurt me so much thinking about the possibility of him ending up with someone else. The longer this went on, the more real it became and I was starting to see it for what it was. Finally I called it off because he seemed so disconnected and perfectly fine with the arrangement.
    That is not the worst of it yet, over the next few moths (after the break up) I found out since he got back he had been official with this other girl back at his home country. I happened to find his facebook account and this girl had multiple pictures with him even prior to our whole relationship. But the timeline at which they went “facebook official” is disgusting. While he was still asking me to continue seeing him,towards the end, he had started putting up profile pictures of them together. (He always said facebook creates drama and it’s better if we don’t add eachother). I am aware how stupid that makes me look but I agreed since I’d seen and heard of the problems facebook had created for my friend’s relationship and you have no idea how convincing this man can be. Plus at the time he seemed trustworthy so I didn’t even question this. I got really angry, sent him nasty emails, called him names I never thought I’d call a person. In my rage I even called his workplace. Throught out all of this I did not even hear a peep from him. I guess he was happy and dandy with this girl and couldn’t bother to care the misery I was going through. 6 months pass, I’d deleted his number, and I get a text from him a few days ago. Slowly revealing to me who he is, saying that he knows for sure I hate him, Only he would know that level of details about us and the fact that I called his company. Yet for some reason he wouldn’t actually tell me his name. Anyways He said that I hate him for the wrong reasons and that he is “sorry if he did something wrong”. The fact that he referred to all this hearbreak as simply “doing something wrong” seemed not genuine. So I stopped replying and he sent me two more messeges saying that, back then he wanted to reply but I seemed very angry and wouldn’t understand him.
    I thought it’s best just to ignore this person who had made me feel more miserable than happy and left his last msgs un answered. Out of curiousity tho I searched his facebook profile and the girl’s too,only to see that both of them still have eachothers pictures on their profiles and are still together. I was confused and It seemed like this was probably another attempt at manipulating me. I could have been wrong but the rush of all those memories, those days I cried myself to sleep hit me and instead of leaving it be or accepting his apology or showing slightest interest to hear him out, I did what may have been irrational but felt good at the time, I told him that I don’t need explaination now that he was very conniving and a lying conniving person like him wouldn’t change. Obviously got no response from him. He might even think I am crazy for attacking him after an apology.
    I don’t know if how I responded was wrong? I hate that I still feel so unstable and vulnerable that these couple text msgs so easily drew me back into a sad place. I don’t know what to think of this person, if the apology was genuine or if it was another game plan for him. If it actually took courage for him to send it to me or what were his intentions. I really need your help and thak you so much for listening.

  248.  #248Rori Raye on March 19, 2012 at 12:16 am

    shix, I’m sorry – there must be a cultural thing here I don’t understand – I’m not sure where any man would be compelled by his parents to live with and marry a woman without his say-so, and yet I know that exists all over the world. I wish you well. Sincerely, Rori

  249.  #249Karol on April 1, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    Hello Rori, My partner of 7 years has just gone back to his ex-wife. The whole time we were together she was difficult (unreliable, constantly calling etc), he told me she was awful, abusive and violent but he was always pandering to her every need (She has two sons with him and he would always say it was ‘for the boys). I got so fed up of all the ruined holidays, birthdays etc that I said we were finished until he sorted it out. He promised to do so. Even said when he had we would get married. Now three months later I find out he is back with her. He says he has strong feelings for her and the boys, and wants to have another go at making the relationship work. He can’t separate his feeling for them from her. I am in complete shock. I really thought he would sort it out and come back to me. He always said he loved me. Now I find I am rewriting my own history and alternating between wanting him back and hating him. My daughter and I are so sad. What do you make of the situation? Cx

  250.  #250Rori Raye on April 2, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Karol – when a man is all about another woman (his ex something, usually) it’s because – no matter how AWFUL she is and he SAYS she is – he wants her. Hear this, please, all – and know – you cannot win against an ex if his energy is over there – even if you work VERY HARD at it!!! and I mean turn yourself into a pretzel to be like her…

    The play and movie Chapter One by Neil Simon is all about this – and, yes, Marsha Mason won against his dead wife on screen and in life – for awhile. And then it ended.
    Vertigo is about this, isn’t it? Kim Novak dresses up to be a ringer for James Stewart’s ex? (I realize there are plot twists – but the essence of the relatinship is this, I think – f I’m wrong on this, let me know…).

    A Hill Street Blues episode LONG ago, and “House” now, where the man cheats on his wife for hookers, women who cheat, all kinds of things – because that’s what he wants.

    Leslie writes a column at http://www.LoveRomanceRelationship.com – if you go there, search on “Leslie” – the column’s just starting – but this is HUGE in her story. A man (reasonable sounding) faced with a choice between her – beautiful, sane, loving, smart, sane…fun, sane….- and “Bonnie” – crazy-acting, mean, vindictive, nasty, weird, erratic – he chooses Bonnie over and over and over…

    Don’t fool yourself. He may say one thing…and be tied emotionally and physically in others…

    Love, Rori

    Love to hear other examples of this from you..

  251.  #251Mimiz on April 13, 2012 at 8:11 am

    hi. i recently went over a break up. i was dating a guy for a year. he liked this girl (ex) for about a year and whent tht girl moved on and got a guy it hurt him alot. but later i came into his life. while we were dating he cheated on me twice but i forgave him. well lets say he is more in the “YO” phase. he said we had no future because his father doesnt want any other nationality but were from the same religion. so we broke up. i begged him to atleast be friends in a hope tht we might just be together someday by convinving the parents. after about 3 months of friendship which was a bliss ( just like how he used to treat me when we were dating). but then slowly his attitude starting changing. i asked him before we finished everything whether he had feelings for his ex and he Said maybe with a very indifferent attitude. but i know the ex is not interested in him. his friends have a very bad influence on him but he fails to understand that .i purposely laugh round him and sit with guyz who he hates and his face gets red with jealousy and he keeps staring like as though hes hating it. but i love it =) i want him back but how ? how to make him feel guilty about what he did ?

  252.  #252Rori Raye on April 13, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    Mimiz, I’m not sure how old you are, and I can’t answer (or have you on the blog) unless you’re 18….you’re playing games, it’s all very “young” – and I encourage you to read here as much as you can and learn to respect yourself and speak more truthfully – and NOT get all hung up on guys who aren’t crazy about you and all over you. Love, Rori

  253.  #253Mimiz on April 13, 2012 at 1:42 pm


    im 21 .

  254.  #254sierra on April 22, 2012 at 10:24 am

    I’m 19 I like this guy a lot I’ve never like someone like this well he’s been off and on with his ex and she always cheats and lies and they always fight and break up. Well before we started hanging out I was like are you done with het bc if not I don’t want to get in this and and he was like Yeah I’m done. But he was always worried I was going to break up with him. Well the other day he got mad bc he found out she made out with a guy at a party and I said if your not over tell me so I can get outta the way and he is like no I wanna be with you. I like and care for you a lot. Well later that morning he breaks up with me and says its too soon that he thinks he got into a relationship too fast and it didn’t feel right. Well that same day he got back with his ex. I really want him to be mine. And I don’t even know what to do.

  255.  #255Melanie on April 23, 2012 at 9:00 am

    I met this guy at work three years ago, we were instantly attracted to eachother. I found out he’d been in a relationship with a girl for 7 years, so I backed off. But he kept flirting with me all the time, talking late after work in the parking lot, stuff like that. One day he told me they broke up and needed someone to talk to, we hung out and went on a few dates for a week and then the got back together. A year later he was still flirting with me and I thought him and his gf may have broken up. I told him after work one night that i still had feelings for him and they broke up and we dated again for two week.s But things got sexual really fast. Some issues from the past came of with his ex and they got back together again. It was hard but we became friends again because we really don’t have anyone else to talk to. I’m the only other person he’s ever opened up to besides his ex. SO this february he had been asking me to hangout as just friends, so I would come over and play music with him and another friend. Then one day he told me they broke up again and he wanted to take me out, keep a door open for us to be together in the future. WEewere supposed to take things slow. He sounded so genuine this time so I took him back, with mixed feelings in the back of my mind. A few weeks into it I notcied he’d been drinking more and he would get upset a lot about his ex and cry. I tried so hard just to be there for him, but it was hard watching the guy I love cry over another girl. Things eventually ogt more sexual, further than before, but not intercourse. Last night his ex texted me saying that they had been sleeping together for the past month and living with him on the weekends (she is away for collge). She asked him if we had been sexual and he said yes. She slapped him and cried and called me and told me the whole truth, everything, and i told her everything that me and him had done (sexually), which he lied to her about as well. He’s very ddepressed and threatening to hurt himself. SHe told me that she thinks they were made for eachother and trying to work things out. I told her he would never stop lieing to her, and he’s killing the both of us. She wants to stay with him because she thinks its her fault that he’s depressed, because early on in their relationship she treated him badly. I feel so used, betrayed, and lied to by the one person I trusted with my heart. He was my bestfriend, we also work together, making things even more complicated. Please, I could use some advise.

  256.  #256Rori Raye on April 24, 2012 at 4:08 pm

    sierra – he’s into the other woman – please don’t make it up any other way. His actions have been clear as a bell. Don’t let him back in contact with you – please circular date and move on. Love, Rori

  257.  #257paula on May 4, 2012 at 4:32 am

    need to know whats going to happen with my ex fiance, he was forced to break up to me by his familly because his brothers wife tried to controle oir relathionship all this time. we agreed he would put limits for her and when he did all hell broke loose. they made him choose his fiance the girl he loved or the familly business. its been 3 weeks now w im hoping he will come back to me and put limits for his familly interfering in our life. i tried fixing things with him but he was scared his familly would find out he is talking to me. i found out he is meeting girls on fb and he is talking to one for 2 weeks on the phone but havent met her yet. im sure he loves me and he wanted more then anything to finish his house yo get married in november. facebook when we used to fight he used to do things like tgat but it was inocent. he is a sagittaruis and im leo. can it be he went on with his life or he is hurt as much as iam. w after all this my familly dont want him anymore but im willing to fight the whole world for him. will he come back. i know he loves me w used to tell me i was his everything and we were fixing our hpuse.

  258.  #258Rori Raye on May 4, 2012 at 9:50 am

    paula, so sorry this is so hurtful, and yet I don’t believe any of this. A man does what he wants to do. Whatever he’s telling you, I don’t believe it. I believe he just wants to move on – and so should you. Love, Rori

  259.  #259paula on May 4, 2012 at 10:33 am

    You dont know his familly, his sister even talked to my mom and his brothers wife is going around and telling people i know that they dont want me. i felt it from the begining coz they couldnt controle me, they kept doing things for me to get pissed off. and would get upset when my fiance wont do things for them, they always thought it was me telling him not to. they were used to controling my ex fiance all the time. but the thing is he is not a kid he is 38 and he is financially unstable so they used the right thing, if he choose me he wont have a job nor money. would he eventually realize he gave up his love and regret it?

  260.  #260paula on May 4, 2012 at 10:38 am

    can it be 2 days before everythign exploded we were picking out the furniture for our house w he told me that i was his soul and his second half, when everything happened with his sister and brothers wife he begged me to go talk to them and do whatever it takes for them to accept me, they even got a priest to tell him im evil. can it be he forgot me in one second i dont know im lost and desperate, can i fix things with him

  261.  #261Rori Raye on May 4, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    paula – this is way too complicated for it to be right. You’re not supposed to come up against this kind of thing. Love, Rori

  262.  #262haanka on May 4, 2012 at 11:11 pm

    hi, rori
    i met this guy two year back. from the time we met he was already in a commited relationship. Bt at that point of time i just wanted to be friend with him. When i ws getting close to him my friends told me to stay away from this guy cos he was a total ass & cheater. Bt i didnt listented them & went ahead with the friendship cos i just saw him as friend at that point of time. He behaved so nicely to me that i was totally blinded by him within a couple of day. he started coming closer to me even though his G.F didnt like it. Gradually we started hanging out alone frequenlty. I enjoyed his company verymuch. Slowly our realtionship was becoming like a friends with benefit situation. He used to kiss me, hug me thight etc. Even i didnt dined to him ever although i never initated any thing first. I knew it was not right bt then i cudnt say NO to him. A month before his GF broke uo with him & we became more closer emotionally as well as a bit physically. just aft 3 days of his breakup he ws completely over me & seemed very happy with me. He used to text me whole day long & see me everyday. Now i had started developing feelings for him. He told me that his EX didnt even cross her mind now. However during this days he had once or twice tried to contact EX bt he failed since she had changed her contact no & had blocked him on FB. Bt a few days back she contacted him & bth of them decided to again get innto relationship. He told me that he is going back to his ex. Also note that they had a breakup because his GF had a problem with our friendship. However we were never into any offocial or commited relatinship. Now tht he went back to his ex i knew he would not treat me as before and gradually cut all contacts with me. to be honest i didnt like this and had started getting jealous. I know i ws worng in feeling so bt i had badly fallen for him since last month. In haste i send him nasty msgs & told him that he had cheated with me & tht i will tell everyfact to his GF & stuff. He begged me not to do so & that he never expected such thing frm me. He behaved in a way tht he hd done nothing wrong to me & it ws all okay to be physical attached in JUST friendship. He may be right at his place bt then i felt that he had played with me & my emotions. He knew that i luvd him thats y he took me for granted & used me the way he wanted.
    Now i m feeling very stupid & guilty to do those nasty msgs to him….i still want him back in my life bt then after being so rude to him i know he never will even look at me…he will never forgive me for this…i wanted to end it bt never wanted to end it so badly….pls help me feel better.

  263.  #263Rori Raye on May 6, 2012 at 9:42 am

    haanka – I wish I could help you feel better – and that’s going to be your job for a bit, here. The moment he started to reconnect with his “ex” – that’s when it was crystal clear you are NOT his “one” – she is, if anyone is. I don’t know what happened with them, but is is clearly a LIAR if he hasn’t been completely open with the girlfriend and you about both of you – and why you would want to pine after this man is where you need help. Please cut off contact with him and Circular Date. Get my ebook so you can learn to speak in Feeling Messages, and then get Targeting Mr. Right to help you date in a way that WILL make you feel better! Love, Rori

  264.  #264T on May 6, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    I have been hanging out with a guy for almost 2 months straight. We see each other every day, text/call and hang out all the time. We have been sleeping together and he stays over at my house all the time. He recently went to a family wedding with me and it was great. Through-out this whole time he keeps telling me how someday he plans to get back together with his ex. who he has a 12 year old daughter with. They had been together 1 1/2 years before we met but have been broken up for about 4 months right now. His ex kicked him out because he had lost his job and made a list of things she wanted him to change before she would take him back. We get along so well and from the way he talks about her I can tell that he is under some illusion that if he magically changes she will take him back and it will be wonderful. I have been biting my tongue trying not to say anything. My issue is that I am becoming more and more attached to him and I am concerned that I am just a buffer for him until he gets back together with her. I do also feel that even if he does do this it won’t last anyhow. My question is, how should I proceed? Should I just drop him? or just become friends? Or just plain start dating other people.

  265.  #265Rori Raye on May 7, 2012 at 11:28 am

    T – DUMP THIS MAN NOW!!! This minute!!!!! You CANNOT compete with an ex. Let him know that you don’t want to feel like 2nd best with any man, you want to be first, and that as long as there’s another woman he’s attached to and thinking about, you aren’t feeling interested. DON’T be friends! Circular Date and END this NOW!!!! He was telling you the truth – and you need to set him straight!!! Love, Rori

  266.  #266Swazie on May 8, 2012 at 3:06 am

    Help, met a man 3 years ago and started having a relationship he not married but had a partner of 13 years and me a bad marriage of 19 years.. I fell in love with this man and he then moved out from his girlfriend for a period but keeps running back as my children and ex husband blame him for brake up which is not true, there were many other issues… He tells me he loves me and see’s me weekly but kkeps running back to his ex as has guilt as what will happen to her as she has no children to him so she will be lonely… I have 3 children and so does he to previous marriage.. What do I do his children love me and tell me his ex makes him feel guilty.. I love him and want him so much.. My ex hates him and threatens him.. We are in a really bad place, no one want us together.. He has gone back yet again and now tells me he misses me and I said until he leaves there house do not contact me… He said it is just guilt for her as they work together, own a home together… And can not move in with me u til my settlement so he has no where to live so has to live with her.. Separate rooms.. Help.. I love him, am I mad it’s been serious for 1 and a half years now

  267.  #267Rori Raye on May 8, 2012 at 9:24 am

    Swazie, If this were me, I’d get outta there NOW. Move on – This will only result in more wasted time, more heartache. Never get involved with a man who’s not done with his ex. Sometimes you don’t know right away, and that’s why you Circular Date. Love, Rori

  268.  #268ash on May 10, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    I need advice! Or maybe afirmation.. I have been “dating” a guy for a little more than a year. When we first started spending more time together he kept telling me he wanted a natural progression. He was showing me something on his phone when i saw that he was texting another girl while with me. He stated it was his ex who lived in a different country. This is the bad part- I had a feeling like something weird was going on so i checked his old cell phone as he had just gotten a new one- this is where I saw that he was texting her all the time. About missing her, calling her pet names etc. I didnt confront him because I felt embarrassed that I had done that, and hoping it would change. I had created a way that he would have to tell me if he was talking or seeing other people and thats when he told me he was still talking to his ex and she wanted to be with him but he said no. He was trying to see if i was right for him. In Oct last yr he told me he didnt think we would work out so we didnt see each other anymore but he continued to email and text me daily. After three weeks he had told me that he missed me and wanted to start seeing me again- I told him that if we were to do this again it had to be he and I ONLY. He agreed. I had this feelingone day that something was off, so I read his phone again- i read a message that he sent to the same ex saying i love you etc. I finally confessed everything and he begged me to understand that it was just a friend thing and that in Oct she had come into town and stayed with him but nothing happened and that was when he realized how much he really cared for me and he really did have “hope” for a future with me. I see that he still texts her daily and she him- My question is am I being naive thinking this will change and he will stop talking to her because he says that shes just his best friend and he doesnt want to hurt her? Please confirm that Im not crazy and if he really wanted to be with me he would and not waste his time with someone who lives in a different country. I think his reasoning with me has made me second guess all my gut feelings and thoughts- like I cant trust myself.

  269.  #269Rori Raye on May 11, 2012 at 9:27 am

    ash – this “natural progression” statement is, to me, just a buzzword for “I’m going to string out this good thing I have with you as long as I can without showing up for a real, serious, committed, lifelong relationship with you because you’re not “the one” – and even if you were, I’m not capable of giving you what you want…”

    I would never, ever invest in a relationship with a man who was giving so much energy to another woman – regardless of the “sex.” Love, Rori

  270.  #270VA on May 14, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    I have been dating this guy for four months and he is now deciding to go back to his ex-girl but i have been keeping my options open in the dating world. I’m just trying to figure out what i should do because i really like this guy. He expressed to me that “i have no idea how much i like u,” those were his words to me and i dont know if i should feel a certain way because he has decided to go back to his girlfriend and see if there relationship will work itself out. I need some advice.

  271.  #271Symantha on May 21, 2012 at 10:40 am

    Subscribing 🙂

  272.  #272Sasha on May 26, 2012 at 3:56 am

    Hi Rory. My fiance and I have been friends for the past 4 years. Last summer he emailed me and said that he had it for me from the start. Long story short, we started dating for the first time. He asked me to marry him one month later. He has 1 child with an old ex and 2 children with the more recent ex. The recent ex and he were together for 10 years. They supposively have been officially broken up since their 2 children were 1 years old. It seems he tried to venture out and date off and on, but never anything serious until me. He had been with her sexually though, after a visit with his kids, just weeks before reaching out to me. We had a great summer, he told me how much he loved me, used to sit across from me, holding my hands and tell me how much he loved me. He got really close to my children and they think of him as a Dad. When his ex found out he was dating me, she became furious and would not allow him to see his children (which I found odd if they had really been officially ended for 4 years prior) My fiance says that the “sex” they had on occasion throughout the 4 year split, was just because he hadn’t moved on yet with someone and she was a familiar person to him. So it was all seeming to go great, I hadn’t felt this way in a long time. I was happy, he was happy and my children were happy. I went to visit him in the USA (I’m from British Columbia, Canada), during my stay he would constantly be texting her. They would fight back and forth and I found it very “rude” to be honest. He always said it was about his kids. He asked me to text her and use the same words she used to his 1st ex, as if to remind her of what they had. I found this so crazy. He also told her that we would be getting married that coming Fall, which he and I did not even discuss. In mid August of last year, we decided to come back together to B.C, to my parents. We stayed there with my son (I have 3 children from previous marriage.) Things seemed great. He would be on the email quite a lot and when I would walk by I couldn’t help but notice, her name, always on the top of his new incoming mail. He says it was always about his kids. Then he called her a few times from my parents. He would take the phone to a private location and they would argue back and forth for 2 hours straight. In the Fall, this ex of his changed his kids last name to hers. She said she wanted them to have a sense of closeness to her. I think it was because she thought that us getting married in Sept. was really going to be happening, so she didn’t want me to have the same last name as her kids. Now I know my fiance loved this woman, they had years together, 2 children, but he said their relationship ended for 4 years prior to us. Just before Christmas of last year, his 6 months was up to stay in my country and he went back to the US. He was going to try and secure work and try to see his children. It didn’t end up going too well, when he got there she said he could see them and then ended up cancelling the visit and they fought again. I found out later that she also was putting me down, belittling what he and I have and saying that I have nothing on her because she has 10 years on me with him. She was making sexual suggestions to him, he said and he said he set her straight. So, my fiance came back to stay with me in B.C. This time around, he seemed very bitter, very angry, very depressed and hard to reach, internally. I must tell you that my fiance drinks. I didn’t think it was a problem until this last visit to my country. He takes an anxiety medication and when he doesn’t have any more pills (so he says) he NEEDS to drink to get the same feeling as the dose. I know it is wrong and it worries me, but he said he is trying to ween off the meds so that he can stop both. Recently, my fiance had to head back to the U.S, his 2nd 6 month span was up, so he was heading back to try again with securing the job and re-establishing visits with his children. So, a few days back in the US and he went on his visit. Our correspondence and chats on the phone were so loving, so normal, so us, until he went on the visit. To see the children, he goes to “her place”. She was there with her daughter from a previous marriage. My fiance was close with her daughter too, so it was almost like a reunion for him. I was SO happy to hear that he could finally see his children, it had been a year. I don’t however, trust this ex, not from what she said just before Christmas to him. He said he made dinner for just his kids. I asked why the daughter and the ex didn’t have any? He acted like he didn’t have a clue what they ate. Now I must fill you in that my fiance has lied and been caught in a lie once before. This was at the beginning of the 2nd 6 month visit. He left my son and I in a cabin, waiting for him to go to the front office to get us gargage bags to clean up after our BBQ. He left us there for over an hour while he went and drank with an older female landlord of the cabins. I asked him if he had drank there (something this female landlord loved to lure him in with) he said no, he assured me he did not have even 1. We had the BBQ, cleaned up the cabin and left there after our 2 month stay there. On my way to give back the keys to this “female landlord”, she showed me 2 large shot glasses and said, “See what your fiance drank here tonight? Both of these and they are really 2 shots in one.” I was so humiliated. I felt cheated, betrayed, so uninportant. I confronted him, but he’s never wrong. “You’re not my Mother, I can do what I want.” Very immature and a real change from the magic and the beautiful love we had just last summer. So any ways, now we are back in the present, he had the visit and he sounded on cloud 9 when he got back to his parents and called me. I was genuinely very happy for him and loved to hear about the time with his children. His behaviour has changes towards me since this visit. He seems quick to fight and threaten to end it or cut it off. He said yesterday that he feels I’m interrogating him and a nag. I was so hurt. I’ve backed off the past week, I don’t even know if he’s noticed or not. He says he loves me and that I’m “his wife”. He mixes my emotions with his words and actions. They both seem so mixed. He was doing so well here in B.C, with limited drinking, seemed to be getting on track any time he was here with me. Now he is back, not fighting with his ex and seems to be different with me. Last night he started a fight (the one about nagging etc…) I asked him if he wanted to end this, he said no. I asked him if he wanted me to take a break, he said “it’s up to you.” He then said he was going to go and get something to eat and lay down. During this, I sent him an email (the exchange he and I had just prior to his visit) it said: “I love you baby, you are more than a wife you are my best friend. Thank you for always lending an ear and listening to me.” (this email was 2 days before his visit with his kids) I thought this was so sweet, yet it seemed a little out of no where and it didn’t ask me to call him like usual? The next day, he didn’t call me in the morning like he usually does. He didn’t call me until 1pm, which I found kind of odd. He said his Father upset him and he didn’t feel like talking? It was a little strange. So anyways, my point in sending it was to show him the love just prior to the visit (without mentioning the visit though.) He than called me back, 3 hours later. He wanted phone sex with me and was very “different” than usual. I found out later that he had talked to his ex instead of making something to eat and lay down. It was like he started a fight with me and then went and called her and talked to his children. Why was he into phone sex after that call? That AND he had been drinking. I am so confused. He says he loves me, he says I am his wife, he says he can’t wait for me to meet his children and they can call me Step Mom. I am truly hurt and confused. I should be happy, clear and confident in all of this. He is going again this Sunday to see his kids. I would be thrilled about this but seeing the kids means seeing her and she spends the time with them during his visits with them. It’s like they are one big happy family and now I am shunned to the side. That is how I feel. He says when he secures work and gets his own apartment, he will take the kids without her to visit him at his place. I don’t think I would care about her being “in the visits” each and every time, if she didn’t try to come on to him in November and if she didn’t try to belittle what he and I have. Please help with any advice. This post may not even make sense to you or anyone, but you know what, this past year hasn’t made the most sense to me and it actually feels good to write it out and let it go on the wall here. I hope you will see something maybe I’m not seeing. Thank you.

  273.  #273Rori Raye on May 26, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Sasha – Long distance sucks. A man still emotionally hung on his wife enough to fight with her sucks. A good family man will do nearly anything to see his kids and keep peace around them – even going back to their mother. You can’t win against a man’s kids. You can’t do anything until you’re in the same city, under the same roof. My advice is ALWAYS to Circular Date at whatever level you feel comfortable – and do NOT invest yourself totally and exclusively in any man who has entanglements that PREVENT him from being with you in the most simple and basic way. It doesn’t mean it won’t eventually work out – it just means you have to take care of YOURSELF right NOW. Love, Rori

  274.  #274sonora on June 4, 2012 at 11:27 am

    I really really need your honest help here. As everyone else thinks I’m crazy.

    Very fast intro I started dating this guy at that time he was 22 I was 24. Everything went okay until I started seeing comments from a girl on his fb. I confronted him and he said she was an ex who couldn’t get over him.for the most part I believed him because she SEEMED to be provocative on her fb profile pictures as if to try to get someone’s attention. I asked friends for advice they told me to ask him to remove her from his friends. I asked him once through text but he didnt reply for which I got really mad and to make things short he didn’t want to delete her so I took this as him.choosing her. I broke up w him. a few weeks later we were still talking…I brought up the issue again and asked why he didn’t want to delete her. He got upset and said he didn’t want talk about it and we stopped talking.20 plus days He check-ins with her at a restaurant and states he’s having the time of his life with her and changes his status from.single to engaged to her. He lives here in ca and she lives in Baja California MX. At this point in my life I want somebody serious. is he trying to get me jealous? or is he playing games? or plain simply he’s just not into me? Help!

  275.  #275Rori Raye on June 4, 2012 at 9:45 pm

    sonora – it was ALWAYS HER – you were never in contention. You’re so very young – please get the help and support here to let this go and move on…Learn to Circular Date! You just need experience to know when a man is into another woman so you can cut bait as quick as you can. You did GOOD!!!! Love, Rori

  276.  #276Sunshine on June 4, 2012 at 10:23 pm

    Sonora I was in the same place you were and around that age too! No judgement but may I advice you toY drop him asap dont even settle for friends if you can be strong because if you hold on to hope it will last foreverrrrrr and you will never get what you ultimately want. this exact thing happened to me and I couldnt let go and wasted a huge amount of time. I bet he told you she was crazy right? many of these young guys are just not worth the time they are little prepubescent boys and if theres more than one they just dont want to fully sacrifice either because the thrill is too much for them to give up…little Johnny just loves his roller coasters….lol my humor obviously comes from alot of annoyance at these type of guys/ boys. Anyway learn a lot from Rori wish you the best:)

  277.  #277sonora on June 5, 2012 at 10:34 pm

    You are right.
    I will move on.
    I love you’re website, I feel like you are a devine Angel to help us. I appreciate your website dearly. Thank you!

  278.  #278sonora on June 5, 2012 at 11:25 pm

    You are right.
    I will move on.
    I love you’re website, I feel like you are a devine Angel to help us. I appreciate your website dearly. Thank you!

  279.  #279sonora on June 5, 2012 at 11:36 pm

    I love you’re website, I feel like you are a devine Angel to help us. I appreciate your website dearly. Thank you!

  280.  #280sonora on June 5, 2012 at 11:37 pm

    I love you’re website. I appreciate your website dearly. Thank you!

  281.  #281tia on July 16, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    hi Rori.

    my recent bf of over year recently broke up with me. long story short i moved countries not just to be with him but he was a big influence on my decision. we had a great relationship and wanted to keep working on it and both wanted to commit strongly he is a solider so we overcame some incredible struggles but well we managed to stay together and pull thru. about a year ago his ex got in contact with him and toldl him she still had feelings for him he said he was happy with ma and wanted to stay with me. i havent seen him in five monts as he waas away on a mission when he came home i already moved toa new country learning a nez language all by my self; anyway after he got back we had an amazing reunion. then he went to see his friends and that ex is a part of his friends group she once again proclaimed she still had feelings for her. when he came back here we had a great day then all of a sudden he coulnt respond to my i love you – he told me he cant say it as he realised he still had feelings for her and he cant be in a realtonship with me when he feels strongly about her so he broke it off with me. funny thing is she doenst even want to live in the same country as he nor does he want to leave this country. i guess i am jsut os conffussed as to why he is such a dumb ass he had everything he wanted with me i was only 10 mins from his base and the worst thing is that the reason he finally ended it with her was because she was a cow and changed her mind every 30 seconds about their relationship so my question i guess is why would he be so stupid to go back for more????

    i saw him a week after our split we had a very lovely day just hanging out as friends; i know he is worried about me coz i am here all alone in this foreign country – he even bought me pepper spray military man!! but i am not worried it feels right for le to stay here and i believe i made the right decision coming here for me. i have now met some great friends and his sister is coming to stay with me for her holidays… i guess i just crave the idea that he may realize the mistake he made leaving me for well i dont even think they are in a relationship as either of them will make the move i am not saying i would go back to him i guess i just need closure and assurance. i know i did nothing wrong and i am not missing out on anything he is the one that gave up an incredible relationship and he had everything he needed. it feels like a mistake to me and i did tell him this when he broke it off and he has been so sad ever since but. it has been two weeks and i will never do what the other woman did and beg him back but for my confort i really do hope he realises the mistake he made but who knows…. and the thought of me leaving this country never crossed my mind even though i am all alone it feels like the right place to be but sometimes it is incredibly hard….. thoughts welcome

  282.  #282Rori Raye on July 16, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    tia – I can’t even begin to imagine what this must feel like for you, and I want to give you a huge hug and hold onto you – but I’m hoping you’ll chalk this up to life experience, and start dating other men who are NOT in the service and who want only you. (I have nothing but the greatest respect and admiration for all our soldiers – and it’s also a difficult life with much pressure and high rates of mental anguish. There are no explanations for what men feel – they just do. I only know that YOU want to be the woman a man loves no matter what, and this one wasn’t that man. Love, Rori

  283.  #283Annie on August 2, 2012 at 9:48 pm

    Hello Rori,
    I met a guy mid January this year. I had been Circular Dating for 3.5 years after a devastating breakup with a guy I dated for 3 years. Anyway, this new guy inspired feelings I hadn’t had since. We instantly had a great physical attraction and the first 3 months were great. However, after those 3 months he shared with me that he had been abused physically and emotionally as a child. He couldn’t carry out any healthy relationships with women the last one being a 4 year relationship. He decided to see a psychiatrist and we continued dating exclusively for another 3 months until the psychiatrist told him that he should try to stay away from sexual activities and focus on recuperating. He ultimately told me he had a lot going on and didn’t want to disappoint me if we kept dating on the future. When I asked if he felt we had something or not he said he was confused and felt sometimes there was something and sometimes nothing. I support his treatment but II don’t know how to react to his answer. I told him I would let him be and now we haven’t seen each other or spoken in weeks. I’m afraid I’m going to lose him. I’m even more afraid of cutting him out completely to the point of not caring anymore. I haven’t dated any other guy all year and im thinking of dating again since I know his treatment will take time. Should I move on and let him go?

  284.  #284Amanda on August 4, 2012 at 7:09 am

    I separated from my husband of 8 years 6 months ago. Things had been bad for a year or so since his first infidelity and split for good after the next.
    I went on a dating website to meet guys and feel sexy and desired and just have casual sex to be honest. This was at the advice of friends 🙂
    It was actually working until a 3rd guy I met. We have chemistry I have never experienced before. I like him. He likes me. He is in almost the exact same boat as me in that he is pretty fresh out of a looong relationship and has two small children like me. My ex is still living in our barn on the property and he is still living on the couch at his ex’s because he hasn’t financially figured out how to move out yet and has to look after the kids late as the ex works nights.
    Okay so It’s been a little over 2 months. I little while back I asked him to just let me know if he wanted to be sleeping with other people because we were having unprotected sex and I wanted to stop if that was the case. He said he wasn’t, didn’t want to and was happy with me right now. He asked me to be his girlfriend about 3 weeks ago. I was not expecting it so early but it made me feel great. I can use the self esteem…He tells me how I am giving him everything he wants and when I am with him I feel like #1.
    But I have trust issues…..and when he is with the ex he doesn’t text me. He says it’s because he is avoiding confrontation with her (she wants him back and gets upset when he texts me). I don’t always get the attention I selfishly want because he works and has kids etc. I of all people understand these things but it’s still hard for me. He has been honest with me about things he didn’t have to be, he shows me texts from his ex without my asking and he has promised to always tell me the truth because he knows what happened with my husband. He has said repeatedly he does not want his ex. That it’s over. He still has his dating site profile up. He took all the info away except that he wants to get a group of people together to skydive. He said he would close it altogether if I wanted. I said it wasn’t a big deal if it was just for the skydiving but recently he added another picture of himself which makes me feel funny…
    So I feel vulnerable? I have continued to keep my online profile also to keep myself from focusing 100% on him and recently replied to a message from another man who sounds nice but my heart is not in it. I’m not the playing the field type. And it feels like cheating to me. I don’t want to meet up with someone else..
    Any thoughts? Thanks

  285.  #285tonton on August 11, 2012 at 8:15 am

    I been dating a guy on n off for 18 yrs we have no kids he moved on at some point and so did I however he went to jail n his girlfriend left him to rot no calls little letters no funds or nothing I reunited with him while in jail n played superwomen I did everything for him we got very close while he was locked up making promises etc in which I struggled to believe him but I sorta did well he got out and flipped on me so fast after all I did for him he went back to the girl who did him wrong while locked up he stop calling me all of a sudden it horrible I’m so hurt mad tht I allowed him to use me n he thinks nothing of he he’s heartless he started making up excuses as to why he did wht he did while in jail I was the love of his life now I’m nothing how could he be so heartless towards the one thts been there for him:'( how do I get through this????

  286.  #286Rori Raye on August 11, 2012 at 10:17 am

    tonton – please go get some personal counseling. There are free mental clinics everywhere, and very inexpensive coaches who’re just starting out. You need help for your self-esteem so this kind of throwing yourself away on any man never happens again. Love, Rori

  287.  #287Nicole on August 28, 2012 at 6:05 am

    Hi this is my first time on here but I was reading everyone’s post and couldent believe so many people are going trough the same thing. I just found out my boyfriend of 1 year had been talking and seeing his ex girlfriend. She still wants him back and he tells me he ignores her calls but why whould she call everyday. I went to her house and talked to her for a long time, I don’t trust her but she said they were just friends and nothing sexual has happen becasue she new he was with me, but that they would always be friends. I asked him to choose me or her and he said I love you and want to be with u, but I’m not going to be rude to her, don’t worry she will find someone soon and leave me alone. She also had two kids that I know he cares about becasue they were together for 5 years. But the trust is gone and I’m sick of it. He wants me to trust him and give him my heart but now it’s hard. Especially when we’re watching a movie and it 1130pm and shes calling his phone, it happens almost everyday. I love this man and want to have a future with him, he is the type to always want peace, but I don’t know if I should cool it down or move on, the only reason I’m staying right now is becasue he treats me good and I’m in love. Thank you!

  288.  #288Rori Raye on August 28, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Nicole – this is SO common ( have a friend who was in this exact situation…and her man finally (it took over one year – and they’re very young) stepped up and ended the constant contact of the friendship with the other woman) – and here’s my take: You either take a man exactly as he is, exes and all, or you say what you will not tolerate and prepare to leave. This man is doing exactly what he wants – and at some point, either you won’t be able to tolerate it and ask him to choose between you, or you’ll accept it and allow her into your “family.”

    Complaining about this is the worst thing you could do – so either accept it or don’t – but don’t complain. When she calls, you can either leave the room and go do something…or you can hang out, cuddle him, and say “Hi, (her name here)…”- and completely accept the situation. I would never, ever feel okay with this, and I made it clear on the 2nd date with my husband – no women “friends.” He thought I was nuts, and he still talks about it sometimes, but he complied. I can’t say what your fellow will do.

    Also – if these are his kids – you can’t win this. He needs to stay in touch with them. Love, Rori

  289.  #289Joelle on September 25, 2012 at 1:55 am

    Hi Rory,

    My situation is slightly unique. I’m currently in a small music college, where I came mainly for a specific instructor. He was a musical idol for me, and I never intended to end up in a relationship with him. He was engaged, in a 7 year relationship.

    During my year here the engagement ended, and he ended up in a relationship with someone he’s known a couple years (an ex student) She is the complete opposite of his ex fiance, very eye candy type. It didn’t last more than a couple months because she was very full of herself, rude to his roommates and manipulative (what I’ve heard from him & his roommates)

    Anyhow, after almost a year of attending this school, having him as an instructor, and after his break up, he told me he liked me. We ended up spending our weekends together because it needed to be discrete. He was very sweet, saying I’m the only girl who’s ever made him nervous (in a good way) Complete gentleman. We had a good time together. I even waited a month before getting intimate with him.

    Soon after, he started acting different. Less calls, detached in a way. While touring, he called after a week to tell me that his most recent ex contacted him again.. He said he felt mixed up about things etc. I remained very friendly & understanding about it over the phone.

    Some of his friends(roommates) came to hang out with me that night, and were also very upset about his choice. They went on about how much of a monster this girl is. That she is using him for a place to stay, and his connections in the industry. They’re currently moving out, due to her return..

    I’m super hurt. And now I’m faced with having him next semester as a private instructor next week.. and I don’t know if it’s better to change my instructor or suck it up, because regardless of it all I came to be taught by him. What is the best way to handle seeing him around school? Should I do my best to avoid him, or act as if everything is fine? A few of his male friends keep in contact with me, should I cut that off so he can’t get any insight on my private life? I’m ashamed to admit, but a part of me hopes he’ll return… I just don’t know the best way to handle myself when we see each other

  290.  #290Rose on October 8, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    I am desperate & desperately sad. I have been dating my now ex boyfriend of a week for 10 months. We are both in our late 30’s. I must admit, that his ex girlfriend has been in the background often. Though at one stage, he fully cut ties with her & things seemed to go well. A month ago, I lost our baby & something completely changed. He shut down & completely withdrew, he has done this before, bug this time it ended with us ending. We have been keeping in contact since (I thought in the hope of working it out) but I found out a day ago that he met the ex for coffee just a couple of days ago. He now says that he does not know what or whom he wants. How can this happen? We just lost a baby? I know the ex wants him back. I’m distressed & in more pain than I can cope with. I sent him email to tell him how I’m feeling & to be honest about what I want, but I am completely powerless over the outcome & my gut tells me he’s going back to her. Please help

  291.  #291Rori Raye on October 8, 2012 at 9:30 pm

    Rose, I’m so sorry for all the pain you’re enduring right now. I don’t know what happened, but your boyfriend is not handling the miscarriage well, and also it’s thrown him into wondering about the basis for your whole relationship. And YOU need to heal – without worrying about the relationship. Can you get to a counselor, or hire a coach? I would recommend any of the coaches I refer to – Virginia Clark, Dominique, Orna and Matthew Walters – and yet, I wonder if a therapist or coach who works with women who’ve lost babies might be a better idea for you. Perhaps you could google this and ask around? I just would like to know that you have someone to talk to who can support you. I’m hoping that there are many women here who’ve been through something like this who can put their arms around you and give you emotional support to feel what you feel.

    You have no control over the ex girlfriend, and it’s hard to fight for the man now when you have your own pain and loss to deal with. Perhaps he’s not a man who can handle things that aren’t superficial. In other words, perhaps he can’t be with you without feeling the pain you feel and share. Perhaps he’s feeling some relief that he doesn’t have to be a father, and so he feels guilt and can’t handle it. Perhaps he’s immature in some ways, and it’s good that you found out now.

    I’m hoping somehow both of you can get to counseling – separately – and right now, I just want to send love your way and ask you to take good care of yourself. Love, Rori

  292.  #292Shanna on October 11, 2012 at 7:34 am

    Hi Rori,

    I am so lost right now. I started dating a man about 6 months ago who was going through a divorce. He still lived with her until about 2 month ago until the divorce was actually final. He claimed for months and months that I was all he wanted and after two months of dating I got pregnant (completely by accident). He begged me to keep the baby and said that once his divorce was final we would move in together and have a family… I believed him. He has three children with her and I was willing to take on all of it.. Once she moved out he said he realized he just wasn’t over her or over what they had. We were supposed ot move in a month from now and now he is telling me that he just needs time to heal and that he wants to be with me but isn’t ready for me to move it etc. I was with him last night and at midnight she called his house. He called her back while i was there laying in his bed. I am due in 5 months and don’t know what to do. Is he ever going to get over her? Am I wasting my time with him? Every day just seems like torture and I feel like i am going through this pregnancy completley alone. Obviously I can’t do like your previous comments and just go out and date men while I am pregnant ha.

  293.  #293paula on October 14, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    hi, i meet this guy threw a friend in prison we talked and wrote each other constently for almost 2 years. we both felled in love with each other, he made me all these promises, wanted to have kids, move away and build a life together. about 6 months before he was about to come home he told me he did not want to settle down and be in a committed relationship because he was locked up for so long. he came out and we started seeing each other everyday for about 2 months, it slowed down and then about a few weeks later he told me he was going back to his ex. i love him a lot and somewhere in my heart i dont know how he can do this and think he will come back. i need advice,

  294.  #294Rori Raye on October 15, 2012 at 9:37 am

    paula, Welcome, and what you need is experience and some support and help to not fall into this kind of non-relationship. Please read everything you can here and get some coaching if you can. Love, Rori

  295.  #295Kelly on November 5, 2012 at 4:49 am

    Rori I’m in a drama filled mess and need your help! I started dating this guy in July. We dated after high school (20yrs ago) and reconnected through facebook after several mutual friends told me he was getting a divorce. He pursued me pretty heavily and things moved very fast..too fast probably. He told me in the beginning that the soon to be ex wanted him back but that she had cheated several times and he had taken her back and this time he was done. They have no children of together but he did help raise her son. She had even filed for divorce a year ago and he went back-so my point is-the first three months i felt pretty secure and confident that their relationship was over. He moved in with me about a month ago and things seemed to be going well. He does travel a lot for his job but reassured me that if this caused problems for us he would get a job local. Well, about three weeks ago he came home from a work trip and she shows up in town asking him to come back to her! To shorten the story, this was the first time that he admitted to me that he still had “feelings” for her but said he didnt know to what degree. I told him that if he still loved her that i would let him go and that i just wanted his happiness. He said no, he didnt want that he just wanted to be able to talk to me (and to her if he felt like he needed to) to get closure. I told him i understood and would be patient about there communication by phone but that at some point if he wanted to me foward with me he should want to cut ties with her. So after another trip working (i do know he was working but she quite possibly and very likely went there to see him), he came home seemed to miss me like crazy and was fine. Three days later he sends me a text while im at work that he has unresolved feelings for her and needed some time to sort them out and had moved his stuff out of the house. He said that she had seemed to change, and as much as he cared about me, he didnt want to keep thinking “what if” they coudve made it work. That was five days ago and he has called and text me everyday saying once he got there he realized he no longer wanted her and missed me and wanted to come home. I told him that was fine for us to date but I was not investing my heart that much again and he would need to get a place of his own and let us take things slow. I guess I’ll just have to go by his actions and see if he really comes back but it bothers me that he stayed in the house with her for two nights now after telling me he wanted to come home! Should I keep in contact with him until he acts or will breaking contact maybe press the issue faster???

  296.  #296Rori Raye on November 5, 2012 at 8:20 am

    Kelly – You are AWESOME!!!! Just keep doing what you’re doing and Circular Dating (you are amazing and will get snapped up by some great man very quickly if he doesn’t come running fast enough!) Love, Rori

  297.  #297Rose on November 5, 2012 at 9:06 am

    Hi Rori, I wrote to you on the 8th of October. I’m Rose & I had the miscarriage. I have been able to have some counselling & I do believe that my ex was able to do that also. At 37 I am fearful that I will never be a mother (especially as I’m now single) but I have some hope.

    My question is this. My ex did get “closure” with his past girlfriend. She has actually happily moved on & I felt a real sense that we could do the same. We went out on a few beautiful dates & I must admit, I remembered why I had fallen for him to begin with. My beautiful man was back & he was even able to tell me that the miscarriage had rattled him & that he had not handled itwell. With all things going well again (or so I thought) he came to see me just 2 weeks ago & the good old intuition kicked in & told me something was wrong. I asked him if he was ok, but he was teary. He went in to list all the things that were wonderful about me, that he loved me but that he does not know if he’s in love with me. He also said that sometimes the spark was there, other times not, that he felt that our relationship should be moving to the next level, but that something was stopping that & he didn’t know what it was.

    Rori, I have known him for nearly 4 years, I’m in my late 30’s, have never been married, have no children & with him I felt blessed. 2 weeks have passed & I have written one email simply stating “I miss you” that was days ago & I haven’t heard a thing.

    I want to be loved & cherished & to give the same back. I want it to be with him but I sense that he is simply not ready for commitment. Or is it that i am not enough?

    I don’t know how to circular date, I don’t meet lots of men & having tried online dating, it’s just not for me. I feel like I’m running out of time. Do I write to my ex & tell him how I’m feeling? Or does that push men away?

    I want a relationship that I can feel secure in. I Thankyou for responding to my past message, I can imagine it takes up a great deal of your time. Thankyou. Rose

  298.  #298trisha on November 5, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    Hi Rori, i am very much glad ive found out your site here! i am terribly troubled about my feelings to this man ive met 2 months ago. I am very much married woman with kids and i can say that my marriage life is not that sparks anymore i dont know why im longing for something in my marriage i am only a human, a woman who needs reciprocating love, to feel be loved and cared that my husband dont have the show on it,My husband is working outside the country..he is very responsible he provides goods in the family and he always have constant communication with us.It is just that we are not very vocal to what we feel to each other in our marriage life as husband and wife he is not that sweet and loving of personality which in my case thats the quality i want to be with in a man.. I dont know i cant show him my inner sweet of me,eversince ive never felt this to my husband it seems its very hard for me to be sweet to him and be loving..though in myself i am that way the real me sweet and loving ..
    Until i met this man last 2 months ago,i have mix emotions and feeling bothered in almost anything that I do.. I have an affair to another man the first time weve met he offered me to drive with his car and ask me were i have to go,it was our first meeting, we have a small talk and suddenly sexual affair was happened.. I dont know about this man, we dont have any common friends to know.. I can claim its my fault to engage in sex without knowing the person yet,it was just happned that the two of us feel comfortable with each other and the attraction was there.. Rori what bothers me is that why it was easy for me to give way to this man? I am not that kind of person who can easily trust someone that I dont know? This is the first time that I am having an affair/sexual affair to another man in my whole married life.. After that affair our feelings to each other mutually committed that we feel the love with us.. He told me that he was annuled.. His marriage was annuled many years ago. Everyday he always text me, and tells me how much he loves me and want to be his wife a woman that he wants to be with him for the rest of his life..I dont know if his lying with me or just playing me around jsut to know that my husband is not here with me at the moment? our communication mostly in text messages we text the whole day asking him about his past,his status at the moment if he is living with someone? but he keeps insisting that his past relationships was 2 yrs ago and at the present he doesnt have a relationship. Rori, why I dont believe him? how do i know if he is honest to me?.. every week we each other for somethimes and sexual affair was thre to happened,but we cannot date on public because I know that our relation is against in the eyes of many people.. I love this man, I love when i am with him, i can be myself when im with him..He is very vocal to what his feelings to me, and showed it to me when we were together..what i like when were together was we talked many things and hes very sincere to listened to me,our sexual affair was very intimate as if im thingking that he is a husband material to me, all the cares he showed when i am with him.. Im confused Rori, i want to stop what with us and let go and move on, i always said that to him eventhough its very hard for me..my mind says to let go but my hearts say just to hold on and continue to cherish what we have to each other.. He doesnt what to stop he said, because he loves me dearly.everytime i told him that we stop he always get mad and dont want to discuss all this things.. What he wants is that he wont stop loving me, let him loves me eventhough how hard our situation is he told me always come what may, maybe in Gods will we are meant to be together..I know his gentle i can assure that he dont want to ruin my marriage life,he knows were he stand at the moment.. Rori, im very troubled, I cant open this to my friends I have a fear reaction from them what there going to say to me? I am very much worried i feel i am not secure whith this man? he said as long as we love each other and that is the matter.. Now, i told him if he can be with me to going out sometimes with my friend, jst to test him if his really into me.. He said its ok,,,But after a few days he stops texting me, 3 days without a text from him,, i wonder.. so i text him whats up?how have u been? but he doesnt reply me..oohhhh? i was so full of hurt Rori. after all this time weeks have past doest received any from him…does it mean that he pull away because thats what i am wanted? or maybe because he was afraid his real status because i said the next time were going out together i am with my friend? or he realized that he only ruins my marriage life if we will continue our affair? or doesnt mean that he only playing me around n which he said hes not playing me my feelings?.Does he truly loves me?or just take advantage on me because of my situation? I am confused and bothered Rori..Pls,helpp me i need some advise from you, no one knows my feelings right now as if im burried, that some part of me has died i dont know what brought me about this feelings..I dont like this feelings anymore…huhuhuuhuu…

  299.  #299Rori Raye on November 6, 2012 at 6:04 pm

    trisha – In my world – you can’t have everything. You have to choose. If you want to be married, you have to honor the agreements of that marriage. If you agree to an open marriage and polyamory – great. If you don’t – then you don’t get to “cheat.” You have to TALK to your husband. To me, if you’re married, you’ll never meet a man to have an affair with who could be any more than that. A good, responsible man wouldn’t fool around with a married woman because it wouldn’t work for him. Love, Rori

  300.  #300dee on November 11, 2012 at 12:30 am


    Me and my now ex(as of tonight) broke up. We were together for 3years. I tries in every way possible to keep the relationship alive. He has cheated on me several times. He disrespects me even tho I do so much for him. He lives with me. Today he hasn’t talked to me after he woke up n dressed n left claiming his niece from out of town was at his ex/child’s mothers house. She will do anything to be with him. He stayed there all day n although I texted n called him he ignored me until about an hr ago. My heart’s completely broken. He is my first true love but I kno deep down he is no good for me. He constantly finds excuses to go there. N he has disappeared on me a few times. How do I move forward? He makes me feel worthless. He stated there tn with his family from out of town. He lied n said he is not staying there but I kno he is. We have had good times n that is y I fell in love with him. I’m the one always tryin to make things better but he sees me as nagging. I lost myself and don’t know what to do to bounce back stronger than ever and find a man I deserve to be happy with. Plz ppl give me advice on how to make the tears stop n this all easier n cut him OFF FOR GOOD!!!

  301.  #301brandy on December 13, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    hi rori

    well my story all started a week ago, ok so last week my boyfriend of 10 months dumps me and goes back to his ex girlfriend after telling me that he didn’t have feelings for her and telling me that he was in love with me. i think this all started when my ex friended me on facebook and wrote on my profile picture telling me that he messed up, i asked him if it had bothered him and he said no. well 2 weeks ago he had asked me what was wrong with me because i had been thinking about the future with us, so i told him that i was wondering when i would have kids and if a man would ever make me an honest woman. i know i know i shouldn’t have said that. well he took this as if i wasn’t placing him in my future and it upset him that i would say that but i said it to see if he would reply “i hope that man is me” instead he thought i was thinking about another man but i wasn’t. now the story with him and his ex they were together for 4 years and was engaged well they had a fall out and she cheated and left him for one of his best friends. i just feel that he is in a confused state of mind and really needs to figure this all out but what im asking is if my feelings are correct i don’t know im just so hurt and lost and need advice on how to get him to see that we were so good together…..

  302.  #302akire on December 21, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    hi rori,

    My boyfriend just broke up with me two days ago. She had a girlfriend for 7 years and after a month when they broke we started dating. We are working abroad away from our families and from her ex girlfriend. We’ve been together for more than a year. During our relationship there are times that he got confused if he still have feelings for his ex. Maybe since I’m the one with him he still chooses me. And now he came back to our country for vacation. And surprises me that she went to see her ex to say sorry about all the things that he had done. And now he broke up with me and says he wants to win back his ex girlfriend again.. I’m so desperate to win him back

  303.  #303Rori Raye on December 21, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    akire, welcome – and please don’t allow this “desperation” to take hold of you. Any man who doesn’t know he wants you must be on your “he can’t have me” list. Please learn to Circular Date, break off contact with him so your hormonal system can get back into working order. Love, Rori

  304.  #304Rhea on January 4, 2013 at 4:49 am

    We used to be friends and gradually grew closer. I always knew he had a bad break up with his ex and was still not over her. That is what kept him from dating me for two months. Eventually when he saw me giving up on him and moving on to seeing other people he finally asked me out. I said yes. We had one month of a perfectly happy relationship and then suddenly everything changed. His calls and messages reduced. He seemed least interested in my life. so just two months after our relationship began, we had problems. I asked him what was wrong and if it had anything to do with his ex. He initially denied it and then after repeatedly asking him questions he accepted that she had called him. When he spoke to her for just 5 mins he felt happier than he was with me. He tried to feel the same about me but he couldnt. So, he called off our relationship saying that he isnt getting back to her, because he doesnt know what she wants, but he loves her and does not want to see me at the moment. He says he still has feelings for me but its stronger for her. I feel heartbroken and helpless because our relation ended for no fault of mine. I dont know what to do…please help!

  305.  #305Rori Raye on January 4, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    Rhea – please just let go of this man and move on! He’s more into the other woman – it has nothing to do with you. Can you see how, if it was reversed, you would feel? If you were still in love with someone else and weren’t open to another man, no matter how great he was? He’s just not ready yet. You need to move on completely. No contact. Love, Rori

  306.  #306Rose on January 4, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    Please help Rori. I meet an amazing man & we had a few casual coffee dates. In this time he mentioned his ex & that though the relationship with her was very messy & painful, he had not shut the door on it. I told him that I couldn’t be 2nd best & very respectfully left the situation. Some time down the track, he contacted me. & with some honest communication, it seemed the ex was completely gone. We dated, it become serious quickly. We spent some wonderful days & nights together. Then, as quickly as it had began, it stopped. He said he still has feelings for his ex yet does not know if she’s for him, he says he has to get himself right first. So, I’m left where I started. The first time I backed out of this we had only been out for coffees. But this time, we had been out for dinners, spent nights together & been intimate. This time I’m hurt. I’m 37, I want to settle down one day. I’ve never been married or had children & this type of heartbreak is agony for me. I fell for this man completely. I’m in so much pain.

  307.  #307Ruthie on January 25, 2013 at 8:35 pm


    I met a man about a month ago and he was very quick to ask me out, our second day of communication. We had a wonderful first date and had two more dates the same week. We communicated daily sometimes he initiated contact and sometimes I did. We started talking a week before Christmas, so I did not expect to do family dinners, but we did see a movie together on Christmas night. We went out with my daughter twice, had another date together, and on New Years Eve he invited me to a family dinner and afterwards we partied with me friends. He verbalized that he likes me and that he felt a connection with me. New Years day he had dinner with me and within two dayseverything changed the communication became sporadic and he attributed that to his new work schedule. We met up twice after that. After I last meeting I didn’t hear from him for three days and I texted him using a feeling message (I purchased your program) telling him that it felt good spending time with him. Early the next morning at 6AM he returned my text telling me that he was distant because his ex is moving back and he still has strong feelings for her and that he is working things out with her. He ended the text by telling me that I was a great person and that he enjoyed spending time with me. This is the same ex that he told me was ten years younger and it was all about a physical relationship with her, I found this out because her ring was in his car and I questioned him about it (on our second date) and he threw it out of his car and apologized to me and told me he had no feelings for her. He seemed really authentic. I texted him back that I was shocked to hear this especially after he admitted to feeling a connection with me and to enjoying spending time with me. I also told him that most people don’t break up over distance and that there must have been more to their breakup than that. Is there anything that I can do to refocus his attention on our relationship because we both acknowledged the connection we felt and that we enjoyed each others company?

  308.  #308Rori Raye on January 26, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    Ruthie, Please, please, please forget about this man. He’s gone. He’s in the abyss called “ex,” and you don’t want him. Get out there so a man without encumbrances can find you. I know many, many men like this who never get over an “ex” and NEVER marry. Love, Rori

  309.  #309Ruthie on January 26, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    Thanks Rori. As bad as I want to put a wall up to protect myself from falling into another situation like this I will take heed to you advice. I know that I deserve someone who can and will fully commit himself to me, I just have to get past the feeling that I thought was a strong chemistry and connection. I will be using your program to guide me.

  310.  #310winnipooh on February 1, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    i met a guy on the beach 9 months ago and we just became friends and he told me about his ex of 4 years. then, we developed a liking for each other and became a couple. i knew he still loved her as he told me from day 1 but i accepted it as he seemed to be getting over her. we have been together for 5 months and it was perfect. we did everything together and talked about everything, but the other day his ex(who has a boyfriend) came back and cried to him saying she loves him and misses him. he was truthful with me and told me everything, including that he misses her too. he said he is confused because he loves me too and he says i make him happy and that i’m sweeter than her and give him the best sex too. during the whole situation, we discussed this and we cried together and it was heartbreaking. i gave him sometime to sort out his feelings but it seemed like he was gravitating more to her, oh and she is his neighbor, while i live 45 mins away….i decided that i didn’t deserve to be second to her so i broke it off but now i miss him like crazy and he says he misses me too but he is sort of back with her…can you please evaluate my situation??

  311.  #311winnipooh on February 1, 2013 at 5:14 pm

    also, his “ex” has had a boyfriend for the entire 1 year of their break up but they still talked as friends, however ever since he got serious with me she has been trying to get close to him. i believe that she is just jealous and just playing with his feelings and he is falling victim to it because they were together for so long and he thinks he owes it to her to be with her. i honestly believe that he truly loves me but she is the issue….am i right?? and what can i do??

  312.  #312Rori Raye on February 1, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    winnipooh – I’ve seen this over and over and over, and it never makes sense, but there it is: He’s chosen her over you – and the only thing that means is he isn’t for you. You clearly are a total catch – and please cut off contact with this man and get out where YOUR man can find you! Yes, you can fight for him if you want – but why bother? Love, Rori

  313.  #313Rori Raye on February 1, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    winnipooh – also – what this shows you is that the quicker you get out there and get involved with another man – he’ll do a turnaround toward you. The thing is – you’ll have to be clear in your head and heart about whether you want to be involved with him again – my experience tells me that with the right man, there’s just no question in his mind that you’re the one. Love, Rori

  314.  #314Anna on February 2, 2013 at 8:15 am

    Hi, am turning 28 years in August. I have been with my boyfriend since march 2011. He got me pregnant in the fourth month of relationship, we discussed and agreed to abort in that same month (july 2011) before i left the country for post graduate studies on 31 Dec 2011. After one year of being apart though we communicated through emails, phone, skype and fb etc i realize that he is still with his ex.
    when i went home for vacation Dec 2012, i found the photo of that girl in his bag, i asked him if they are together and he said no. i forced him to tell the truth because i used to see other signs like they are together and all the time he will deny it.
    i told him am going to find that girl to know the truth, then is when he told me that the girl is from a family friend, he has feelings and he is weak for her and they are back together.
    He asked me to continue be friends, and not to shut him off because he still wants to know abt my well being when i will be far at school and also that it is paining him too as he was in dilemma of making choice between me and his ex.
    Am back to college now, bt he continued to contact me that first week until i sent him an email to say goodbye on (Jan 5 2013), i still love him but he hurt me so much ever, it’s one month now and i cant stop thinking of him. It’s my last year and i need to concentrate on my studies as i have a lot to do and meet deadlines here in a foreign country, yet i find it difficult. Any advise please, am suffering from heart break, i have never been hurt this much in my life

  315.  #315Rori Raye on February 2, 2013 at 10:12 am

    Anna – So sorry – and this just happens. He’s not for you – and you have to hold onto your heart, get on your horse, and ride. You can do this. Circular Date. There are men who will want only you – get yourself out there and let them FIND you! Please forget about this man altogether. any man who has to choose between me and another woman – I’m outta there! Love, Rori

  316.  #316winnipooh on February 6, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    thank u Rori..i appreciate your advice. i will do just that because i totally understand you. thanks once more and i hope you can continue helping people like you helped me!

  317.  #317Alicia on February 10, 2013 at 9:35 pm

    Hello Rori,

    I’ve been reading the comments and you seem to give great advice to people and I’m hoping you can shed a bit of light on my situation. I’ve started talking to someone only for a couple of months, we have a good time hanging out, talking and we’ve already had sex. Since we’ve been getting to know each other he has mentioned how him and his ex have been off and on in the past… Well recently he’s been a bit distant and just yesterday told me his ex is back in his life and now he is really confused. He says he told me because he feels I deserve to know and likes me more than he thought. He states that he does not know what to do and does not want to lose me. My first reaction was to completely cut him off and not get in the middle of anything between him and his ex, but I have feelings for him. I don’t want to let him go either. I am dating other people besides him and keeping my options open, but I do feel
    strongest for him than anyone else I’m talking to. I don’t know what to do because it’s clear his ex is in his life and I really feel like I can’t compete with her as far as his emotions… He definitely pushes me to the side to spend time with her, but states he wants to see me, misses me and is sorry about the situation. What do I do… Go along with this and continue to talk to him or am I just setting myself up to easily get hurt in the end. A little bit I feel like the other women honestly. Although I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket… I will definitely continue to date other people. I would really appreciate your advice. Thanks!!

  318.  #318Rori Raye on February 11, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    Alicia – Welcome, and I can’t answer this for you. I personally would NEVER want to be in this situation – but I wouldn’t tell you not to. If you hang in there and continue to Circular Date him, you might discover a way to beat out the ex – you might overshadow her by being more of what he really wants. OR, you could get your heart stamped on. It all depends on how sincerely you’re willing to give other men a chance. Love, Rori

  319.  #319Angela M. on February 11, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    I am 27 and dated this guy for 6 months. It seemed like something out of a fairy tale, we had all the same friends but in 3 years of moving in the same circle, had never met until 2 of our close friends had a fabulous romantic wedding, we met, and sparks flew. He did all the right things, but said all the wrong ones, which was confusing. He never missed a good morning or good night text, waited on me hand and foot, went out of his way to plan romantic dates, took me to family gatherings etc. invited me over for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but insisted he was not ready for a “relationship” because he always fell out of love after 3 months and he didn’t want to hurt me because he had never liked someone as much as he liked me. He did mention he stayed on good terms with all of his ex’s because he was always honest with them from the get go. After about 5 months I brought up the fact that we weren’t in a relationship yet and he said he had so much to think about being that we were different religions (he is Jehova’s Witness, I am Catholic) then it was that my family would never accept him, then it was because he had money problems, then it was because he felt depressed and didn’t know what he wanted. Still, he insisted he didn’t want to lose me and cared more for me than he ever had cared for anyone. I stayed because we saw each other every day, talked nonstop, he was always thoughtful and had some sort of gift for me, and we seemingly had no secrets, I thought I had nothing to worry about. I noticed his ex (whom he dated for 4 months and broke up with one week before meeting me) would frequently like his pictures on Facebook, he told me he just felt so bad for her because she had just moved here from Mexico and had no friends, didn’t know English, had strict parents, and was not even of legal drinking age so he couldn’t really see a future with her and that was why he broke up with her, but they were still good friends. I told him I felt bad for her too, but that maybe he was leading her on by continuing contact with her and that if he and I were to be in that predicament, I wouldn’t want him contacting me as it would be confusing. Towards the end of December he started being standoffish, I let him have his space and didn’t call or text, he came back around the 30th of December, and wanted to make things work, we had a great night, made love like never before, and agreed to spend New Years eve together and make it the best year of our lives. Except I didn’t hear from him again aside from on random “hello!” texts which never lead anywhere because I would respond, and then he wouldn’t, he even stood me up on New Years with the excuse that he had a cold and later posted pictures of him partying. I finally got the guts and told him that he needed to stop contacting me and deleted him from all forms of social media and from my phone, he agreed not to contact me without putting up a fight, it hurt SO much that he didn’t even ask why I didn’t want to have contact anymore. My last contact with him was January 10th. After that, one of his friends actually had the balls to ask me out on a date, I told him I had more respect for my ex than that, to which he responded that my ex was the one who suggested he ask me out. Ouch. Still, on my birthday, February 3rd, not even a month later, I still had some silly hope that he’d show up on a white horse with roses and sweep me off of my feet, that is until someone tagged him at a superbowl party (which was on my birthday) with his ex, looking more happy than I had ever seen him. Ever since, I feel like I can’t even function. I’ve always been the most confident girl and have many friends and a busy social life and career, but I can’t even talk to my friends without breaking down, I try to go out and feel like a zombie, to the point where I get physically ill. I sleep 10 hours a night on average and have lost my appetite, my friends and family try to be supportive, but I can’t stand being around myself, and I hate to bore them too. My stupid pride keeps the hope alive that he will come back around….but I know he wont. Please help, I hate feeling like this! My head knows it’s over, but my heart is begging for him to come back…

  320.  #320Rori Raye on February 12, 2013 at 12:02 am

    Angela – Welcome, and the solution to everything for you is inside yourself, and I encourage you to start with my ebook and then my programs to get skills and Tools to get to where you want to be. Living in a fantasy of desire is what we women are taught to do…and it doesn’t feel good when you’re actually doing it. After you’ve really worked with my Tools and programs, I encourage you to get a coach who’ll help you personally through this. Love, Rori

  321.  #321yrrehc on February 14, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    I r ead all your articles and newsletters and it seems that I’ve done all of the don’ts you mentionde in a relationship. i have low self esteem, I dont have faith in our relationship and is crying whenever he forgot to txt me, I’ve devoted all my extra time with him. He’s 34 and I’m 26. My boyfriend and I were dating for 3 months when he suddenly asked for a space!! I once believed that we are unseparable. We only see each other every weekends and its weekend full of love.. On our first week of relationship, he started talking about wedding, he asked me if I want it to be on December 2012 (which is less than 3 months) or 2014.. (We can’t get married this year 2013, since her sister is getting married and its not a good to have 2 weddings in a year in their family -supersitious belief.) So i said ok, lets do it on 2014 and lets get to know each other first.. 1st month felt like 1 year with him.. We were so comfortable with each other and very open. However, he has an ex girlfriend who kept calling him who wants him back. They were together for 5 years! the ex gf cheated on him 5months before he met me. they tried again but the relationship didn’t work out because he can’t find himself trusting the ex gf anymore. After 2 weeks of “cool off” he finally confessed that he is confused and still have a feelings for his ex. Which he finds unfair on my part coz he can’t give all his 100% love to me. I asked him to choose but he said he’s not choosing anyone of us. I asked him if he’s gonna get the ex gf back in the future and he said no. (since he already tried before and it didn’t work out) I am left hanging by the thread. Its hard for me to let go since we have talked about our marriage and everything. After he broke up with me, he calls me every now and then just like how we were before the “cool off”. It lasted for 5 days coz I realized that he needs time to think and he can’t have the time he needs if we act as lovers still. Its been a week now since the last time I talked to him. He asked 2 of our common friends to check and watch over me. I guess because of worry since I was drama queen ever when he asked for break up, (not eating, not sleeping, crying the whole day, etc) . But I think its mostly guilt. He said he can’t have 2 women in his heart at the same time and would like to be alone for himself. He left a lot of hanging statements like : I have all the qualities of the woman he wants to be with. I asked if he will ever come back to me and he said yes but changed his mind and said -dont wait coz he can’t promise anything to me as of the moment. He asked me to continue mountain biking so that when he comes back, my resistance to climb mountains will be good. I even beg him to come back but he is finally decided and said not now.. I stopped begging when I heard what i want to hear from him. coz th last time we talked , I told him -” I don’t need your 100% love, I just need enough love for you to stay with me.” and he answered “thats what i’m confused of, if I have enough, why did I let the memory of my ex bother our relationship ? Give me time.. Please, I’m hurt too but I need this time for myself. Hope you understand”

    I’ve been trying to love myself now, and am doing meditations. But I can’t get him out of my mind and imagining him, calling me again and asking me out for our usual bike rides on the mountains. I was suspended for a week from work because of stress and depression and absenteeism. My hands are itchy to text him and tell him I want to spend those days with his apartment and everything, its his birthday during my suspension days by the way. I don’t know what to do. I want him back. So much. Please he

  322.  #322Rori Raye on February 15, 2013 at 10:52 am

    yrrehc, Welcome, and I’m going to be tough here. Please don’t read if you don’t want to hear the truth as I see it.

    You are a “hot mess.” Meaning – you say you’re a “drama queen,” you can’t work for thinking of him and it’s effecting your body, your mind, your heart – and even with all this – you’re STILL choosing to put your energy on him.

    You have a choice in this world, just as we all do. Inside ourselves, we are where we want to be. AND that place can be hell, as you’re choosing right now, or it can be a place of peace – no matter WHAT’S going on out there.

    Until you choose to be at peace with yourself and what IS in this world, and get help for your emotional and psychological patterns, you’re going to look for someone else to make your life better. Heartbreak is one thing. Focusing your life in the wrong direction is another.

    That said – the very fact that you’re HERE, on this blog, tells me you want to feel better and make better choices in the day-to-day, and do better for yourself – which will result in you finding and keeping love with a man. Please read everything here, get what programs you can, participate here, and learn some Tools to help you get to a better space quickly.

    Love, Rori

  323.  #323yrrehc on February 15, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    Thanks rori. I tried to be an anchor to him and it worked.! He started calling again, and to my surprise,he asked me out! Ur to0ls really worked. But the m0ment he dropped me at my place aftr a wondrful lunch with him,we both suddenly shifted to “in relati0nship m0de”. He cried in fr0nt of me telling me that he doesnt want to leave me but he NEEDS to..Rori, i was on a rebound relati0nshp and he doesnt want
    to c0me back to me till he resolves hs feelings for hs ex gf..

  324.  #324yrrehc on February 15, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    Thanks rori. I tried to be an anchor to him and it worked.! He started calling again, and to my surprise,he asked me out! Ur to0ls really worked. But the m0ment he dropped me at my place aftr a wondrful lunch with him,we both suddenly shifted to “in relati0nship m0de”. He cried in fr0nt of me telling me that he doesnt want to leave me but he NEEDS to..Rori, i was on a rebound relati0nshp and he doesnt want
    to c0me back to me till he resolves hs feelings for hs ex gf.. Its been a m0nth and he hasnt figured it out yet if he wants me or the x. Im the one he calls everyday, im the one he’s happy talking with, but he doesn’t want to cho0se me. Yet.. Hes so confuse wd hs feelings. Is it bcoz im the last girl he spent his 4m0nths wd thats y im the 0ne he is missing the m0st? Are we like addicted to each other and he’s just on wthdrawal period thats y he wants to still call and chat wd me? Or he really loves me and just cnt let me go and playing safe to reserve me while hes still trying to weigh hs feelings towards me n hs ex who cheated hm?

  325.  #325sunnflowersunshine on February 17, 2013 at 7:32 am

    I need some advice. I am in tormoil, I met this guy on the internet, we have been talking for 2 months and then we met up. We were flirting alot over the internet and texting, and skype. but from day one he was honest with him about his ex girlfriend, He said she is trying to mindfuck him coz shes suddenly decided she wants him back, He sent her a message saying to back off coz He cannot deal with it. she did, but then she started again, sending him stuff like “I cant help how I feel” I want you back, I love you, the thing is, she has a child from a few relationships before him, he got attached to the child and the child (acording to her) has been asking for him, soo I spent a week with him, we got on really well, we cuddled we laugh, we joked, I cried infront of him the minute she started texting him, He got angry and we hugged. He told me he doesn’t wanno string me along and that he wants to get to know me first. He said regardless of what happens he is geneionly fond of me he cares about me and hes coming up to see me. Now as I left to go home… I got a message from him saying ” I have some news and I am telling you this coz I care for you and I have bonded with you I can trust you and I have feelings for you you are a beautiful girl and I can’t ever let you go, but my ex rang me crying that she wants me back and I don’t blame you for hating me, please don’t hate me”
    ofcourse I dont hate him, my feelings for him have grown and I know he’s got those for me, btu he said we can to stop the flirting coz hes gotta sort this out and he said “I will not push you aside my ex will have to deal with our closeness, I can’t trip you coz thats not fair on you” we didn’t sleep together, we just “explored” thats all… He didn’t wanno get my hopes up but because we have only just met in person and spoken on the net for a long while, we have grown on each other and now he is back with his ex… I dunno if hes doing it to clear her off slowly or that hes giving it another go knowing it wont work out he told me to go out meet other guys and that me and him will always be in each others life. He talks to me every day, we still skype every day and I make him smile. He is always in my mind and IM falling big time. I don’t think he trusts her, but hes told me alot about him and he said he trusts me and thats a big thing for him, his parents are unhappy about him being back to his ex and so are his friends, hes friends have added me on facebook and think I am a great girl. I have also been adivce not to message him while hes with her from other people, my parents told me to be his friend get to know him and act cool… coz eventually he will realise I’m not like the other girls he said who used to stalk him and mither him (like his ex) I havent messaged him for a week now coz I know where he is. He promised me when he gets back he will message me and we can arange for him to come to me and we can go for a drink…I think I am still in his head… he is certainly in mine and because we didnt sleep together I feel like we have clicked. HELP! How is playing it cool and being friendly gonna get him to realise exactly? grrrrrrrrrrr I don’t wa\nno let him go coz I wanno show him I am a strong willed girl, I cry secretly, he knows its upset me, hes even cried to me because he said he felt bad and askign me if im okay, I told him I was doubting this friendship and he said that I am beign silly because He meens it (andeverythign hes said to me has been the truth. I want to get to knwo him as friends for now I told him Im not a second fiddle and he said he doesnt want me to be, he just wants to get to know me and have me in his life because who knows whatr will happen, I told him if i meet a guy I will always be there, but my feeligns for him are strong and I wish she would just clear off Lol!


  326.  #326Rori Raye on February 17, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Sunflower, Welcome – and you seem to me to be developing the personal strength to blow this man off – which is what you need to do. Please get all the help and support you can here to go with that part of you that doesn’t want to play second fiddle. I know it seems as if he’s struggling with this, but he’s not. He wants his ex. and he doesn’t want to lose you as back-up.

    Don’t be backup. Be first or not at all.

    You need to Circular Date and LEARN about yourself and men so you start to draw in men who don’t have any questions about their devotion to you.

    Love, Rori

  327.  #327sunnflowersunshine on February 17, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    I know it seems like he wants me as a back up. Ive told him straight I am not being hes second fiddle but I will be his friend. It hurts coz I like him ALOT and we still talk. I only really met the guy soo I’m willing to get to know him as a friend. and if they do split up I have told him Not to jump back in with me, but to keep intouch and stuff, see the thing is, my parents told me the same story, it happend with them, but they eventually got together properly married and had me. different situations. Thankyou, I am keeping my options open, if he starts to realise he wants me…. he will have to make it up a hell of alot coz Im not gonna be a doormat. He, a decent guy, hes just had his head turn by his ex and coz shes done everything she can to get him back and I anm left with all this. Im not gonna mither him or talk to him loads…. just play it cool! 🙂

  328.  #328sunnflowersunshine on February 19, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Hi again, I have had a deep long think about this sutuation, Okay so I have to accepted that the guy I thought was mine wasn’t over his ex completely, I am willing to be friends with him as he and I wanno get to know each other regardless… I am going to take a step back and let him get on with it, But we are in each others life now. Everybody keeps telling me that he will realise one day, But I am not prepared to wait. I told him that, and we are just talking normally and stuff. I’m weening my self off him as of wanting him more than friends. thats it, thing is all his mates and family think I am an amazing person. So yeah I can’t cut him off now. I am getting on with stuff and being normal! just thought I would update you! Thankyou for the advice!

  329.  #329Angelica on March 12, 2013 at 7:06 pm

    Dear Rori,
    I met a man about 8 years ago, we dated for about 3 months and nothing really happened not even a kiss. At the time I didn’t feel we were right for each other. He stopped calling and I never bothered. Three years later he contacted me again. We went out a couple of times and again nothing florished. About 2 years ago he contacted me again, we spoke a few times and he shared that he had a girlfriend but was not happy. I left it alone and did not bothered. About a month ago I get a call again, and the same thing, so I asked why he keeps calling me and specially now that he has a girlfriend. He told me that he keeps thinking about me and he always wondered how we would be in a relationship. To make it short, he insisted to see me although I refused for weeks. Finally I accepted and said we would go for a drink. For the first time I felt different about him, I felt he has matured, he is more secure and I liked the changes I saw.
    I told him I was not going to see him again that he should not call me again since he is not available.
    Well, that did not happen. He continued to call and after much thinking and went out with him again.
    He is very confused about his current relationship, he is not asking me anything but I feel the more time we spend together the more we get emotionally involved. He calls me, he tells me that he missses me, that he wants to spend more time with me but, he does not know how to end it with her. They have been together for 4 years and although he said he tried she plays the ‘guilt trip’ on him. He is selling his house and she wants him to move with her but he does not want to and does not have the courage to tell her. We are in our early 40’s and I feel he should be a little more decisive. I am about to tell him that I will not see him anymore, that he needs to resolve his situation if he is unhappy and then maybe we can give ourselves a fair chance. This last weekend we become physically involved, although I know it was not right we had an amazing connection. But, I am now more then ever feeling that it needs to end before we get more involved.
    I am not sure how to go about this… any thoughts would be appreciated.


  330.  #330Rori Raye on March 13, 2013 at 12:24 am

    Angelica – Welcome, and I know there isn’t an easy solution – you can try to fight for him by insisting he leave her and move forward with you – but I think baby steps would be smarter. Stop caring about the girlfriend, unless they live together..then there’s another problem. Here’s an idea – get him to spend time at your house (while you’re Circular Dating other men!) – give him a drawer, slowly “move him in” WITHOUT moving him in…and see what happens. Then just tell him you want him, and see what he does. There’s a chance he may just want out of the relationship and is gravitating to you as an escape valve – but there’s always a chance there’s something really here. Love, Rori

  331.  #331sunflowersunshine on March 13, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    Hi rori, I have taken your advice on circlular dating, I am meeting and talking to other guys, this guy I was talking about has now moved in to his gf’s house, we keep intouch as friends but I have managed to ween myself off him as in romantic feelings. Thankyou so much for you help!

  332.  #332Angelica on March 13, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    Dear Rori,

    thank you for your note!

    I understand what you are saying and also thought of it but, isn’t that putting me in a ‘short selling myself’ situation? I feel I deserve a man that is tottally and absolutely available to me and only me. I don’t want to be his ‘other’ or his ‘afair’. I want to be ‘the one’ but also, I don’t want to pressure him into leaving her. That is his own sole decision if he is really unhappy as it appears to be.

    My strugle is, how do I control my own feelings with the insecurity that he is not feeling the same for me? My fear is that I will fall for him and he will not change his situation and I feel to back away to protect myself.


  333.  #333Angelica on March 15, 2013 at 6:54 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I wrote to you a couple of days ago and you gave me your advice. I think I messed things up today, Iet my insecurity and feeling speak louder.
    As I mentioned to you during a period of 8 years this man keeps calling me and now he has a girlfriend. You told me to pull him in but I think I did quite opposite.
    Last week he asked me to go away for the weekend because it is my bday. I innitially said no, but asked to think about it. The next day I called and said yes, we can go. I have not heard anything since then.
    This morning I called and asked him as I need it to plan my weekend. He acted as if he did not remember, then he said yes he asked me but it was after he had a few drinks with the guys and he just put it out there. Needless to say, I was upset to hear that and ofended. So I told him that was not very nice of him and that my life was no joke.
    During the day we texted a few times and let him know that I cared about him, that I did not wanted to let him go but he was putting distance between us.
    He said, he was very confused, he probrably was reaching out for a friend and he did not expect this to happen between us. I was lost!
    I reminded him, that he has been pursuing me for years and now that I open up to him he backs off. I suggested we spoke in person but he made himself busy and told me I was stressing him out.
    I feel very hurt and deceived, I am not sure why he tried so hard to come into my life and now he is stressed.

    What should I do here? is it worth even bothering?
    I would like to hear your input…thanks