If He Wants To Be Friends – Get Your Energy Out Of There

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Have you ever pretended to the man who just turned you from a lover to a friend that you’re OKAY with that?

Here’s a comment from Mariah (here’s the whole comment->) – (I’m working with it here because I think it’s a universal situation that will help you, too):

“Rori, I wrote to you while back about a relationship I was in with a man that told me he just wanted to be friends after all. You told me to get my energy out of there and I did, we still talk sometimes and just few days ago he told me he had come to a conclusion that he wanted to invest in a relationship and he wants to have a family (even though he already has children). He also told me that he would be ok with a woman that already has children if all the right elements were there. I did not what to say, because I was not sure why he shared that with me….

I was speechless and told him that I hoped he would find what he is looking for. – that is my problem…. I keep lying, pretending, making it look it does not bother me and that I truly hope he finds happiness.

Rori, I can’t do this anymore, I feel bursting inside with the desire to tell him exactly how I feel and why in a very mature way. I feel to tell him that cuddling on the couch while watching TV makes me feel bonded to him, I feel to tell him that when he text messages me and end with ” I love you long time,” I feel to be with him. I feel to tell him the truth about how I feel, what I want and share all my emotions that I have been suppressing just to play it cool. Please tell me, what should I do here….. I need to start this new year in a different note and right now I feel to come out clean about all this with him.

Waiting anxiously for your tips on this one… thank you in advance!! Mariah”

Okay.  This has happened to me so many times in my life (long ago, yes, but I remember them still, and when I remember them I flare up for a moment with remembered anger, humiliation and despair – and yes, I use all my Tools to USE those moments to make what’s going on in my marriage right now, for real, more powerfully wonderful – instead of letting those memories take hold of me and carry me further away from my man).

Something happens to us when a man we love drifts away and then says that he considers us a “friend.” A good, great, wonderful, friend.  We are so wounded in that moment that we BELIEVE it’s OKAY.

We BELIEVE that either he’s not really saying what he’s saying, or that he’ll change his mind because he’s just scared of intimacy, or that WE’LL get over him fast and that we’ll WANT him in our life as a “friend.”

We focus all our energy on NOT LOSING HIM.  Even though he’s now only a “friend.”

We feel a sense of loss so powerfully, that we put on our brakes and refuse to lose any more.

And this just wrecks us.

It’s us not willing to “give up.”  And most often – “Giving Up” is the absolutely best thing we can do.

The best thing for ourselves – our self-esteem, self-respect, confidence and power; and the best thing for the potential of the relationship.  If the relationship ever CAN return to the romance it once was – it’s Giving Up that gives you your best chance.

So when a man comes up with the “friends” line – however he says it – GET OUT OF THERE!

I mean this LITERALLY. Don’t smile, don’t say how you “love him as a person” and “of course you want him in your life,” don’t say you “need to think about it,” don’t share your pain with him….because – he is NO LONGER YOUR FRIEND.

Yes, this is pretty radical.  Say “Oh. Well, you’re right, of course. Goodbye, then,” turn around and get yourself to your home, to your girlfriend’s home, to a dance class, the gym, the coffee house – just get out of there.

And yes – he will call you.  He’ll try to “make nice.”  He’ll try to do what he needs to do to feel better himself, and he’ll try to do what he needs to do to KEEP YOU in his LIFE.

Do not pick up the phone, do not return calls, do not return emails. Nothing.  If you see him at work, smile and walk past.

If he should manage to get you on the phone, say “This doesn’t feel good, I ust don’t have the time for a man friend right now, I have to go…” and hang up the phone.

And do all this WITHOUT ANGER.  Think about it.  He’s done nothing wrong.  He’s done nothing bad.  He hasn’t (unless he’s a sociopath, and we’ll talk about that later) intentionally tried to hurt you.  It just didn’t work out for him.  He’s trying to “let you down easy,” and he really likes you as a person and as a woman and so he’s trying to keep you in his life.

If he hadn’t HAD to – because the relationship had come to the point where he had to – he would have tried his best to NOT say anything to you.  He would have “strung you along” for as long as he could. And not because he’s “bad” and “awful” – but because he LIKES you – appreciates how you add to his life, and doesn’t want to LET YOU GO.

IF – and I say this very carefully – IF he’s going for friendship now because he simply can’t conceive of anything deeper right now with ANY WOMAN – and you feel totally tempted to wait him out, until he grows up – you are doing yourself a deep disservice.

The absolute BEST thing you can do for yourself is to take him at his word. Friends it is.  Wave Goodbye to him and get yourself back on the market Circular Dating, and work through your distress with my Power & Self Esteem Tools until you realize what a huge favor he’s done you by telling you anything remotely truthful when it was important to you.

When you walk away, and get happy elsewhere – that’s when (IF it’s even possible for him to change his mind and all of a sudden feel romantic about a relationship with you) – he comes back.

And Mariah – he’s coming back now – but still only as a “friend” – and you are still unwilling to walk away.  I totally identify with you, I know we all do…and here’s what you do:

1.  Write a speech.  It will say the truth.  You don’t want to be his friend. Period. You’re not sure why he’s telling you about his love life, and you still care deeply for him and do not want to be his friend.

2.  When he calls next, deliver your speech simply, so that you can experience yourself as telling the truth and feeling powerful because telling the truth is ALWAYS powerful.

3.  Say Goodbye and hang up.  Do not get into chatting, do not listen to him, do not ask questions, do not talk about your relationship, do not ACT like his friend.  Do not revisit the breakup.  Do not listen to his “feelings.”  Say Goodbye and hang up.

4.  Go do something very, very nice for yourself.  Something from your Channeling List.

5.  Get out there and DATE – work for YOURSELF, not to get HIM.  As you do this – tell the truth and shift the focus – you’ll see – things will get better.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Maggie on December 15, 2008 at 11:54 am

    This is such wonderful, empowering advice, Rori. We’ve all experienced this in our lives, and it’s so hard to know what to do, what to say… It’s hard to let go when he wants to talk and be your “friend” because you love him and you keep hoping something more will come of it. But you’re right. We’re doing ourselves a huge disservice when we let him keep hanging on with no real relationship in sight.

    Thanks for being the voice of reason for all women!!

  2.  #2Mariah on December 15, 2008 at 12:14 pm

    Thank you Rori! I will have to wait a little as I feel angry and don’t want to pass it onto my speech. I do feel the need to tell the truth and move on to take care of me!! starting right now by not replying to his text he just sent me…..”how is my sweet pie?”…. well enough of that!!

    I appreciate the time you invest to help us all!!


  3.  #3Eris on December 15, 2008 at 6:56 pm

    Hi Rori!

    Great blog. This is so true! Once the relationship is over – its O-V-E-R. No need to ask the “Can’t we be just
    friends?” question. Mariah will find someone so much better as soon!

    Love, Eris

  4.  #4Daria on December 15, 2008 at 11:39 pm

    Hi… guess what today I riffed all on my own! I pretended I was writing it on here or would post it later and that really helped me not drift off into beating myself up!

    I came to really cool realizations about myself and why and how at one point I came to associate feeling comfortable and loved with not sexually attracted! And I felt like I can now change that association ! Yay!

    I feel very hopeful and full… ! I also realized that being alone doesn’t mean I have to feel lonely! Another association! Yay!

  5.  #5alias girl on December 16, 2008 at 12:10 am

    ah daria that is super awesome terrific news! thank you so much for sharing!!!

    i had weird experience tonight. i had been getting calls from the tongue guy i went on a date with but since he doens’t have a phone allegedly and he kept calling from different numbers i just felt relieved bc there wasn’t an easy way to call him bck and so i just kept purposefully missing his calls.

    finally he left a final one tonight. he said he knows what i think (i have no idea what he’s talking about) and he’s sorry he mislead me and he wishes he met me a few years earlier and that i really showed him a lot about himself and he was very glad to spend time with me bc he hadn’t felt that way in a very long time. and also he wouldn’t be calling me anymore.

    so it was easy for me. and also very interesting. i don’t know what he thinks i figured out as he used those words. maybe that things just didn’t add up and he didn’t really treat me that respectfully. ?? maybe he is still with his baby’s mama? which i had pointedly asked him several times in different ways and he had said no.

    it doesn’t matter really. all’s well that ends well. he got something great out of the evening and i got something great out of the evening. none of it was part of my faiirytale really. but that’s ok. i feel good. and i’m glad it was so easy. i feel like a super goddess that has alot to offer men? :0 that feels reallllyy good.

    oh an i pushed ex #1 off my horse today and he’s still holding on to the horse being dragged along going huh? he thought i’d be like his ex and all up his but wanting to marry him. please. i’m sorry and you’re offering me what?

    so i now have only one ex on my imaginary horse and i love him and for now i don’t really mind him being there because he helps me.and also we ride good together. so far he is not an extra burden.

    i love my goddess self.

  6.  #6alias girl on December 16, 2008 at 1:13 am

    although daria i am super curious how you are going to change the asscoiation with feeling loved and cared for equals not sexually attracted. are you going to share your secret how to change that? or is it too personal? i am curious.

  7.  #7Maria on December 16, 2008 at 2:16 am

    This is indeed, empowering speech from Rory and l wish l had known these tools before. l met a man who become love of my life. Just to realize that he “wanted to be friends” and he of course “cared a lot” as he said, and he wanted to be “in touch” etc. It all was deeply tragic story, that ended with me being in hospital, cos l did not see any reason to live without him and l belived l was not worth love and not any man would ever love me. (Silly me) Such an unequal balance. Now l see l made right desicion of quitting any contact, even he wanted to be friends.

  8.  #8Bethany on December 16, 2008 at 2:46 am

    On Sunday my guy said to me that he feels scared…and when I asked him what scares him about me, he said that he’s scared of signing his “name on the dotted line” and committing to the “wrong person.” He keeps saying oh wow I should go get work done…or something whenever we start fooling around, which has really backed off, and it feels bad for me. He said he doesn’t want the physical stuff to outweigh the emotional stuff. So, is he saying he just wants to be friends????? He says that I’m very attractive and that he loves hanging out with me and talking to me…okay, yes, I know that doesn’t mean anything. He doesn’t love me. Of course he thinks I’m great, but he isn’t in love with me or he would say that, right? I feel disappointed and I have about four days to move in with my friend or leave here and move back to my parents’ home five hours away. I feel incredibly angry and sad and I can’t believe I let this happen to me again. I hate it. I don’t know if I’m in love with him, but I feel really attached and maybe the best thing is to run away and give myself a year at my parents’ house to figure out what I really want to do? I don’t know. I feel lonely and sad and confused and like I have no time to work this out. I feel like I’m going crazy and really devolving in my self-work because I EMAILED him tonight! oops! What if I can’t handle any more triggering and I break up with him and go? Does that mean that another crappy guy is going to show up in my life so that I have to work through it or is just seeing what’s going on enough? I don’t know. I also don’t feel great about living with this girl anymore. In the past couple of days things have shifted and she says things that seem slightly passive agressive to me. Kind of puts me down. If I leave is it all my fault and I should stay and work through it, and if I leave am I really running away or doing something nice for myself and going to where I can rest and regroup my life and give myself time to breathe without relationship drama? This has been the hardest four months of my life. I feel so confronted with all my fears. I guess whatever I decide I need to speak to him about my feelings. I don’t know how to do that. I have been away from this blog walking around trying to understand how I feel but now I just want to let it out. I am crying now. I feel so sad. I don’t understand and I never will. I feel scared to let him go. I feel scared of the pain of that. I feel scared of failing again. I feel like I want to be alone and free, where I can get some small job and be at home but what if? What if I get stuck? Why won’t this state let me go? I feel so scared and confused. I don’t know what to do. I just feel awful. I want to know what to do. I want my body to tell me the right answer. Everytime he texts me or calls I tense up. Is that bad? I don’t know. Everytime I think of going home I relax. Is that good? I don’t know. What if I run away and I never know what could have been if I stayed? But would it be good for me to just stay in this tiny town and put my life on hold for even one month? No. That wouldn’t feel good.

  9.  #9Caj13 on December 16, 2008 at 6:22 am

    Bethany, Power and love and inner strength to you! Already in you, actually. Your body IS telling what you need to know: tensing up when he calls? that feels bad, it’s the truth, so if you feel like going silent, backing off, getting angry or WHATEVER, that’s the ‘right’ response. You’re having misgivings about moving in with that girl? Fantastic – that’s the best information you can get about that decision. (Moving – for good, bad or indifferent reasons – is one of life’s biggest stresses, so listening to your feelings about it is really the most rational thing to do.) Don’t beat yourself up with negative labels about your choices. We’re not boy scouts and don’t have to put up with all this “should” crap that we internalized from OTHER people about OTHER situations – “stick it out, face up, don’t step on toes, be nice, you can take it, running away will get you nowhere (running away can save your life! that’s why we have fear in the first place), think about your future (yeh, why not buy a cemetery concession while we’re at it!)”. We’re grown women with the most valid concerns possible for our own well-being. And ANY decision you make, ANY action you take is NOT SIGNING IN BLOOD. You can change your mind, tweak it, forsake it, forgive yourself for it, etc ad infinitem. Allowing yourself to accept your feeling and follow it in the direction it seems to be nudging you is what starts all the other possibilities showing up, which will then help you tailor your advance to suit.

    About all these “What ifs..”? They feel like “If only’s..” of the future. That’s the language of our Downer Voices. Tell them they can go write a sci-fi in the corner, but you’re too occupied with self-care to edit them right now.

    Remember we cannot be our best nor do our best by others, if we can’t even be good to ourselves. FOLLOW YOUR BLISS, and if that’s not clear enough, you’ll find it by sticking to your comfort zone.

  10.  #10Rori Raye on December 16, 2008 at 12:27 pm

    Daria – Fantastic! so glad you feel good. Even a MOMENT of feeling good retrains your mind, heart and body – just keep building those moments, string them together. You can DO this! Love, Rori

  11.  #11Karen Roche on December 16, 2008 at 2:44 pm

    Very well said!!! BRAVO… I am taking notes…..
    thanks for your thoughts….

  12.  #12Daria on December 16, 2008 at 4:03 pm

    I don’t know “how” exactly to explain that I am disassociating. In the middle of my riff when I realized the association it kind of untangled itself right there. It’s like I realized that it Doesn’t Have to be that way! It was a belief I made and I saw that it just wasn’t true! It kind of dissassociated on its own…

    I now realize that I CAN have a guy that I feel loved and comfortable AND sexually attracted to! YAY! They do NOT HAVE to be polar opposites, and that was just a false association. So now that I see that it just doesn’t bother me anymore… in fact it’s kind of cool and I feel cool for figuring it out!

    Thank you Rori for your encouragement!

  13.  #13Linda on December 16, 2008 at 5:37 pm

    It seeams that I am vainly searching for an answer to my hearts cry and and putting an end to the pain I cant shake. I have posted in lots of topics in the blog lately. I feel like a pendelum on a clock. I swing back and forth, read something and try that.. get my feet under me and then am ok for a bit then before long I am right back where I started and nothing seems to help for long. I

    The man I loved with all my heart, left me..strung me along before that. Giving me all kinds of reasons for his distance. I gave him the benefit of the doubt but, offered understanding.. etc… but the bottom line is he stopped ALLOWING himself to be emotionally available to me. He began investing himself with another woman HE contacted online. There have two others that I know of. At one time he was so emotionally engaged with me..that is was unbelievable. He initiated our romance, pursued me love me in ways that I did not know a man would offer a woman. Almost a too good to be true kind of relationship. As far as him doing me a favor being “honest” with me, well maybe but all I feel is betrayed and hurt. He never approached me as a “casual friend” canidate in his life therefore I never considered myself as one. Nor am I willing to be. That is a moot point because we do not even communicate, so as far as being loved as a dear friend is not even an issue. Perhaps that is a blessing but if I was given the chance I would not have a problem telling him just exactly where I am and how I feel.

    I have kicked him off my beautiful horse…but I seem to keep am investing energy in him even though I dont want to. I dont know how to make it stick for good. My dissapointment with how things are is like a big black barrel of grief. The reality of all of this is that rejection and the betrayal I feel is a huge bitter pill to swallow. It is like it is stuck in my throat and try as I may iI cant seem to get it down.

  14.  #14Becca on December 16, 2008 at 7:34 pm

    Im not sure what I think or feel anymore. I feel happy and joyful and excited and wary and lonely and sad and cautious and a little frustrated all at the same time. I feel like I know what I want on moment then I don’t the next. I feel terrified and excited to be moving interstate soon. I feel happy and sad and confused. My ex invited me out again on the weekend, both Friday and Saturday night. I was busy on Friday night but ended up spending Saturday night with him. It was his birthday on Sunday and he had rented a place to stay Saturday night and was going to have friends come and stay with him there but he cancelled that and invited me instead. He said I was the only one he wanted to see… he is having problems with his friends at the moment. I tried to use some feeling messages and it was nice. We watched dvd’s and he even let me choose… and I chose the Notebook and he sat and watched it with me (he would never have watched this kind of movie in the past) and we joked around and had some pillow fights. It felt fun 🙂 Then later after the movies we were talking late at night and even kissing a bit and he admitted to me that he made a mistake breaking up with me and that he wants me forever this time. But neither of us knows what to do now about this as I am moving for a year anyway. And then he says… do you want me to wait for you to come back and I said that I don’t know what to do and we agreed to think about it. But now it seems that he has pulled back a little and I feel scared that he just spoke in the moment and doens’t mean it (though I really want him to and want to be with him). I feel my old fears and controlling ways creeping back up on me and I don’t want that again. I want to hold on to this better self that loves herself. I want to only give back… like on the weekend… but I feel scared that he won’t step up and I’ll have to move on. This would make me feel sad. I just don’t know what to do… I want to take this job, and have, and am, as I’m not sacrificing what is right and best for me for ANY guy anymore… but I want him too as I still love him. I am now just telling myself that if he meant what he said he will step up and show me with action…
    I feel tension in my jaw and fuzziness and confusion in my head. I feel unsure and I love all these feelings, especially my fuzzi head as it is telling me to let go and sink into my feelings and feel and love them and me. It is telling me that I think too much and that the more I think the less I solve these problems and that things will work out all right as I BELIEVE that they will. As long as I love MYSELF and always chose actions that align with my feelings and what is best for me. And at the moment my feelings are telling me that moving will be a great adventure and I will feel independent and while it may be lonely sometimes I feel like I need to do this… I do not want to regret not taking this chance with my career. My feelings tell me that I love my ex but that no matter what happens I will always love and be loved. My feelings tell me that if he loves me too, then we can find a way to make this work even if it is long distance for a year until I move back. And my feelings tell me at this moment that I believe and love myself and no one’s opinion matters unless I allow it to matter as it is my world.

  15.  #15Maria on December 17, 2008 at 2:23 am

    Linda, my heart goes out so much for you, as l have faced almost similar as you (difrence was, that he wanted to stay friends, which was complete nono for me) however, if l think back of the whole situation, l remember l had some deep doubts berried somewhere in me, instinct, that told me l could get burned. Did you feel any wanings whatsoever? There must have been something in the very beginning…l did not listen to mine and it got me back hard. Proudly l survived, l must say, and thanks for Rory l have found quidance.

  16.  #16Linda on December 17, 2008 at 4:51 am


    Thanks for you concerns. I absolutely did not have one doubt. No ignored burried red flags. That makes it even harder to swallow. We lived together, did everything together.. he never hid his phone (like some do) etc. I see some things now but I had nothing to cause me any doubts until he began distancing himself. No matter what I tried, things I learned here and elsewhere nothing worked for long. Leaning back, body language, being playful, sexy, caring, got no long term results.

    Moving on to find what I am looking for but struggling with the emotions is a hard thing.

  17.  #17Maria on December 17, 2008 at 5:35 am

    Hi Linda, l think for you it is better to slowly start to refocus yourself from him(or at least try step by step). l know it is harder to do than tell, but the thing is – if you keep circleing yourself about unanswered questions, you keep holding yourself under stress of this case. It takes time, but pays off later. Trust me. This is how it works for me: yes the pain is still in my spirit, but l have decided to cut of the junk and save my beautiful head from extra work of figuring “out past with him”. it helps to get better. There are lots of stuff l do, that has helped, if u want to know l might tell.

  18.  #18Caj13 on December 17, 2008 at 5:44 am

    Becca – Yes, thinking about what to DO will hold you back. In these questions of the heart, the intellect will just never have all the pieces it needs. Maybe saying you’d think about it made it feel to him like a problem to solve, and that just holds no attraction when you’re telling someone you still love them. How about telling him your feelings in the same you did for us? Something along the lines of “I still feel really strongly for you, too, and hearing you goes straight to my heart. It feels so good when we are together, and I don’t want to tell you what to do. I feel so touched just when we talk, and I feel I’d like to continue hearing your voice.” Does this sound true and encouraging, without making you commit ? (If you agreed to him waiting, you’d feel responsible for what happens to him and maybe hesitant to take advantage of your new situation, so I think you did well not to fall into that trap). The commitment is for him to propose unconditionally to you, and do the logistics to prove it. A year and long distances are not insurmountable when you really want something.

  19.  #19Cassandra on December 17, 2008 at 9:06 am

    Bethany…I wish that I could give you a huge hug! Sweetie,you deserve SO MUCH BETTER than this boy is capable of giving. Of course I don’t know him but from what you have shared he is simply not able and I don’t want you to miss out on an amazing love. Just keep working thru things here and it will become clear for you. Daria….I am THRILLED for you girl! YAYAY!!! Please do something for YOU to celebrate this breakthrough! If I were there with you, I would take you shopping and we would have a girls night out! Becca….I totally agree with Caj13 (a very wise and awesome Goddess!!). It is up to HIM to commit to you not the other way around and if he truly wants you forever this time then let him DO something to SHOW you that! Please do not give up anything for this man or any other – it us to THEM to show us with actions that they want us for the happily ever after!

    Sometimes I struggle with wondering about my future with Charles in that I do feel as though he is not only my ‘fiance’ but my best friend BUT then again my best girlfriend (who is in the city where I moved here from) was going to take action to be there with me tomorrow during my surgery but Charles…. being in the same city and the same house won’t even be there for me. His siter-in-law is taking me to the hospital at 4:45am and the wife of a couple that we hang out with alot is coming to meet me in the recovery room around 9:30ish…once I am coherent. Charles will be here at home on the laptop looking for loads/ work. Part of me understands that as far as the work thing goes but then again most of me does not….so IS he REALLY a friend? I am not sure.

  20.  #20Becca on December 17, 2008 at 4:18 pm

    Thank you so much Caj13 and dear Cassandra… I hope all goes well for you.
    Caj13 I LOVE how you put this: “I still feel really strongly for you, too, and hearing you goes straight to my heart. It feels so good when we are together, and I don’t want to tell you what to do. I feel so touched just when we talk, and I feel I’d like to continue hearing your voice.” You are so right about me thinking too much about this. I need to move from my head back into my body and heart and go with my feelings. I have been having so much trouble sorting out my feelings lately and what to say to him. But maybe I don’t need to SORT them out, only feel them, say what I feel and move on. Feeling messages are getting a bit easier but they are not yet flowing as I want them to. Especially when I am thinking on the spot or with him. I feel so scared about saying the wrong thing and losing him and I know I should not feel like this… and I guess I don’t even have him anyway when it comes to that 🙁

    I feel impatient and frustrated today. I spoke to my ex yesterday but it was me initiating both times… once text conversation, and once IM (I could see him online for like 20 mins and he didn’t initiate so I did) and we had silly fun conversations but I feel like I shouldn’t have initiated now. It is leaning forward and I need to lean back, it is just so hard sometimes when I used to do this with him when we were together… but more (overfunctioning). At the end of our last conversation I said that maybe he should give me a call to hang out sometime and he said maybe you should call me. Does this mean that he is coming from feminine energy? I do not want him to… how do I tell him that I need him to step up and pursue me… I guess I can’t, right? I just need to lean waaaaay back and he will either step up or he won’t and I will have to move on. He was so good last weekend… he picked me up from my place, got us pizza for dinner, watched the movies I chose, and even carried me to my bed when I said I was too tired to move. We talked and hugged and kissed and it felt so good to be close to him… and now I feel so confused I feel like screaming because it feels like it is back to him not being like that anymore. Even last week he was texting me more than this week and initiating a little more (IM and texts). I want him out of my head! I feel attached to him and feel like he is drifting away from me again… I feel myself having expectations even though we are still ex’s and not together at all and I know thinking and feeling like this will push him away and I don’t want to do that. I know that I cannot beat myself up… I just need to see this as learning and as a mistake and move on and change my behaviour… it is so difficult sometimes though! I am used to going after what I want (jobs, activities, etc) and leaning back is feeling especially difficult these last couple of days. I feel like I am so close yet so far away and I feel my patience slipping away. I feel like I have been patient for so long and when I got the feeling that was good on the weekend in spending time with him I fell apart in a way and lost some of my resolve to lean back. But I will lean back now and TRY not to think of him, though it is soo hard not to. I am already busy with plans with friends and even a guy for this weekend so I will enjoy and try not to think about him and HE can CHASE me if he wants to spend time with me and really feels the way he confessed on the weekend. I feel my old fears and worries and desperation that maybe he doesn’t like me enough slipping back in and I want to banish them for good. Thank you all for listening to my fears and helping me to conquer them. I will be strong with your help. I will shower myself with love from my love fountain and he can COME to me if he wants to get my love spray from my fountain. I will be Rori’s love pond… I will nurture the life inside me and he can flow his love in to me so that my life and love can GROW. I will let my water wheel shower me with his love and my love and if I FEEL like it I will give him a little love back. I will dance to Justin Timberlake and Chris Brown and other singers that sing of loving and cherishing and wanting and needing special women and my love will swirl around me and hug me and if he wants my love he will have to come closer and get it… and then only maybe will I give him some. I will release my frustrations and impatience and icky yucky feelings by letting them drift out of my mind and body like letting a caged bird go. It will feel scary and bittersweet and free to let go of these awful feelings that I hold so close. I don’t want them close… I want to set them free, like the bird that has been caged and is dying. When I set myself free I will stop dying inside and I will soar among the clouds and the flowers and all the other birds up there in the sunny sky. I will feel the sweet fresh air against my cheek and under my wings and I will feel light as a feather… drifting on the breeze wherever I wish to go. I will only need myself. I will play and laugh and love and sing a song of freedom and love. I will give myself a huge hug and hold myself like I am the safest most comfortable, sexiest, beautiful person in the world and everyone will envy that I am hugging me and want to be there hugging me too. Especially him. And all other guys. I will be a magnet that will draw them all in… even if they try to resist my magnetic pull they can as I am so serene and beautiful and desirable sitting on that island beach that they will cross oceans just to be with me. And then I can have ANY man and I can CHOOSE and he will have to fight for my love and treat me the way I want. He will respect me, and love and cherish and adore me and take me out for dinner and walks on the beach and minigolf and camping and exploring and he will buy me a ring and a house and do ANYTHING for me, as I am the most important thing in the world to him and all these other men and only then will I THINK about choosing him when I am feeling wonderful and happy and good. So even though I feel icky and desperate and impatient now… it has faded a bit as I imagine all these things, and that it is a privilege for him to be with me, not the other way around.
    I feel a bit better now 🙂 Love hugs to all you wonderful beautiful ladies! I feel so happy and glad that I have this blog to turn to when all those yucky feelings try to take me over. And while they are still there inside me I am working at setting them free like that poor lonely little caged bird.


  21.  #21Becca on December 17, 2008 at 7:04 pm

    With all this thinking and feeling and wanting and analysing I feel like I am working way too hard sometimes… shouldn’t life feel effortless? If so, why am I feeling so stressed out, worn out and worried lately? 🙁 I want to stop all this and just BE. And BE right, and good, and the way things should be. Things used to be effortless with him… 3 years ago… now they feel so confusing and complicated and frustrating and I want it all to go away. And it did feel almost effortless on the weekend with him, though sometimes I couldn’t find the words to express what I wanted to say… I think very very slowly maybe I am getting to where I want to be. I want him to contact me, and I feel anxious and worried that he won’t… I need to let go of EVERYTHING, but can’t seem to at the moment.

  22.  #22Tina Tobin on December 18, 2008 at 7:14 am

    I couldn’t agree more that the whole “friends” pitch is a farce. You have to make a clean break from these men because a piece of your heart keeps you from moving on when you maintain these so-called friendships.

    I also think men that suggest “friendship” know they are stringing the woman along. What they’re really saying is “I don’t want a relationship with you now but I’d like to keep you on the back burner in case my plans without you don’t pan out.” Mariah and all women are too good to settle for being anyone’s back-up plan!

  23.  #23Linda on December 18, 2008 at 12:09 pm


    Do tell, I am interested in know. I have been feeling better the last couple of days how I do now know but I will take it.

    Tina… the friend ship this is exactly what you said.. I could not agree more with you too.! I want to be first choice and a back up plan.

  24.  #24alias girl on December 18, 2008 at 6:15 pm

    no i don’t want to be your friend. and no you can’t just ride on my horse. no.

    that was my conversation today. over and over again just repeating the same message.

    sorry. my answer is still a firm and resounding no. absolutely not.

    obviously i phrased it in feeling messages and i don’t wants. i had my big cry last night. so i was completey on point for today’s dance. my emotions had already had their big todo so they didn’t need to come out in bitchiness or anger or sorrow or any of it. i didn’t use the word hurt. (yae bc i almost did. thank you caj 13 for that one.)

    clarity. dignity. self_respect. boundaries. letting go of results. i feel ok about the outcome. nobody’s wrong. we just don’t seem to want the same things.

    i guess it’s back to cuteguyville and circular dating.

  25.  #25Reshi on December 18, 2008 at 9:14 pm

    Becca, WOW! Your wonderful fountain/pond/dancing/love imagery swept me up into this wonderful, flowing, juicy, turned-on place–right in the middle of the workday–and if you can do that to a girl, Goddess knows what you’re capable of with a man.

    I’m so excited–amazing change is in the air for all of us, I can feel it!

  26.  #26alias girl on December 18, 2008 at 9:50 pm

    i feel exciting change in the air as well. it feels good!

    omg. i feel like i had an emotional workout today. just blam blam blam the never ending conversation of me not wanting to be friends and not wanting etc and felling this and feeling that. serious practice today. in some ways it feels good bc we are more honest with each other the longer we know each other. but phew. he Triggers me. (who doesn’t ?) but bc i care about him/us whatever i feel more triggereed.

    anyway i cut him loose. then he called me later (?!) and i took the call and it was good. i was a little bit edgy and not great with the feeling messages and i could hear my man side tlaking then awareness and trying to get back to feeling messages. certainly was very far from the ideaal way to display proficient use of rori’s tools.

    phew. i feel like i just moved up a tier on godess scale or something.

    what i realized (i just remebered this was my initial point i actually wanted to write and no surprise i almost forgot about it. )bottom line is that intimacy feels really intense and scary to me. like some advanced ski slope. there were a few moments of true intimate honest connection and i was just like whoa. i don’t know what to do with this.i can see why i pick the men i do and why i have the problems i do with relationships. i am comfortable with the same old drama. even if it is painful and not what i truly want i am comfortable with it and it does not feel so weird/awkward/risky.

    anyway. i feel grateful for all of you. xoxo.

  27.  #27alias girl on December 18, 2008 at 9:55 pm

    oh an i realize rori’s post said not to take call/email etc but it was right for me in this circumstance. we did not make plans to speak again. maybe in the future was how we left it. maybe. one never really knows the end of the tale til it’s the end.

    anyway i am practicing letting the cute guys stay in my field of vision and seeing them as possibilities. it makes the whole idea of circular dating sooooooo much more appealing. 😉

  28.  #28Mocha on December 19, 2008 at 10:41 am

    I just have to say that I am now praticing this method with my uncertain man. As of two months ago, I gave my feeling speech and have not called, texted, or emailed since then. He still emails a joke email monthly in fact I received it yesterday. Yes I respond to them because I don’t believe in the ignoring method. Why should I have to play games -You are reaching out for a reason. I realize that his reaching oout is a gauging method how long it’s goingto last only him and God knows – but I don’t play into it – I resspond and that’s it – no “how are you? What’s new?” – NOTHING Yes it should be a part of my plan but I feel that I am mature enough to sidestep all the nonsense and I have. my response to his emails are either lol or ha ha -that’s it! I realize that for what ever reason he wants me to be in his life but when I gave my feeling speech as well as a I don’t want to be friends – he would get the message. So since October I have fallen so far back I’m in an abyss-smile. I only respond as previously stated.

    However, today he had the nerve to call and ask me for a ride to the train station because his company is having their holiday party. My saving grace was that I was already at work and could not give him a ride. But honestly, if I was still home I would have told him that I didn’t feel that I would be able to do so. I’m angry because how in the world do you call me ouot of the blue – we haven’t seen each other since October and we’ve been in this uncertain period since Nov 2007 – and think it’s OK to ask for a favor let alone a favor that requires me to be in your presence for 45 minutes?? It amazes me how he won’t let go! I really have let go as I said since October. I DO NOT REACH OUT IN ANY WAY!!!! I have given him his space to work thorugh his feelings and thoughts. He is very aware that the only conversation I want to have is if we are going to be mature adults and have a mature healthy realtionship that is exclusive and going somewhere; other than that we don’t need to be in contact and get a clue if I don’t reach out to you! Step up as stated in the “From an Man” blog or KIM – Keep it Movin!

  29.  #29Maria on December 20, 2008 at 3:19 pm

    Dearest Linda. l am very glad you asked. And ld like to tell you how it has worked for me.
    To sum it up in one sentence – l started to act exactly my opposite. Let me tell you. When my terrible break up took place with a man who l truly loved, it was the culmination of my whole love life situation. l will save pages here not to describe it all, but basicly l was full of hate, anger, desperation, no hope, etc etc, and l still am – feeling some things, but l have noticed some magic keys, that has turned my life better, (thanx to our great messenger of Love, Rory) and as Rory always says – “as x can do it, so can you” and belive, Linda, l have been the worst case.

    Here are all the OPPOSITES l have been doing from step by step:

    -curcular dating. Hard to say, harder to do. l have been always a little bit shy and not feeling very sexy and hot about myself and never truly considered myself to be the one who can be THE ONE to a man. l never imagined myself going to CD-s ever, cos l thought noone would want me anyway, so l did exactly the opposite – l went to dating sites.

    -not trying to figure him out and taking it easy. l call it actually one of my favourite breakthrough, cos it had given me nice results. Cos you see, this has been the most painful point in my love life so far in past trying to figure him out, like:

    -why does not he call, text,
    -does he love me
    -why he did it
    -what if he leaves me
    -why is he late
    -will he marry me
    -why does not he care more
    -what if he is with other woman
    -how should l keep attracting him
    -what if he is cheating, indeed he is cheating!
    -what if he uses me
    -what do l have to do more to make him love me etc.
    -what SHOULD I DO???

    And Linda, those thoughts has paralyzing effect. you cant have piece in mind, cos they run around your head. So when my next date showed up, instead of figuring out, why he had not done the job, l did exactly the opposite – l STOPPED. cos l found a better way, which created much better shift! Example: he promised he will call back and he didnt. He showed very big interest at first and then it kind of slowed down and multimillion other things that would have caused me pain before. And quess what happened:) l decided to do the opposite and not even care and react! So he started to wonder and whenever he came around l was polite and not angry. And it suddenly made me feel so easy inside. Quess what else – the bonus of that – when he showed up, he treated me very nice! ( l dont mind Perfume as a present or flowers, or candies, just to make me feel good ) l feel good, he feels suprised lm not nagging and arguing, and whenever l feel bad l make politely my way home.
    -being LAZY. Ohh , l really like it, and l will mark it in capital letters. Look, if you have been overfunctioning, always putting others first, and not only that, l have always worried and tried to WORK things out with man, trying to dig inside his mind, even in early stages, you know what l mean. And now l started to do exactly the opposite. l stopped the extra work, and litterally becoming lazy. Example. in one dating site there was this extra hot guy, who caught my attention. l wrote him a letter, and gave him my personal email. He said: yeah, l might write you back sometimes. My old self would have run through hoops to make it or beak it, my new self decided not to worry and forget about him any further:)
    -extra time for you, only. it has made me really angry whenever someone said in past that just dont worry about him, do what you really like. And now, l have realized the meaning of taking care of yourself. You might feel that the world has no meaning when he is not in the picture and you might feel like you do not want to do anything. thats what l felt – so l did the opposite. l started with myself. and with that l truly mean, MYSELF. l mean you can go to yoga class and ceramic class, but MYSELF means, you either try new hair and make up, something tat you do to yourself, then you radiate the world with your beauty and you have more changes that this hot guy in yoga class will notice you. Start with yourself and then start what u do.
    -being brave and bold and not overinvesting. Ok thats the last one. See l have always had problems with opening up and showing him what l want or need, cos l have been taught it is not polite and we, girls, should be nice, yet l was always the one who gave more without receiving. And l become to act exactly the opposite.
    Linda, my point is – you soon realize, how your feelings transform into much better place, cos you start to refocus yourself into you and that is the most wonder. Yes, the man who broke my heart is there and honestly – l havent got rid of the hate inside of what he did (l predict l wil hate him another 2 more years:). And l dont want to give him a credit of giving me a lesson. NO. But those feelings are with you and they are there but you soon see, that life can be fun with it ups and downs.

  30.  #30Maria on December 20, 2008 at 3:25 pm

    Oh one more thing Linda. l have created me an image of a man of my dreams. l dont know how l will get there, and somewhat my self esteem thinks that l dont deserve the image l have created, but you cant stop a girl from dreaming, now can you:)
    l must say – l have my bad days, desperate moments, low points as we all do, but l go with baby steps. cos l need so much to be loved and cared truly. so do you.

  31.  #31alias girl on December 20, 2008 at 7:20 pm

    brava maria! thanks for that comment. i loved reading about all your shifts in behavior. i esp loved the bing lazy one. i can still feel myself overfunctioning in the wanting to be charming dept. twilring in my new skirt ofr daddy to notice kind of thing. it is so not attractive. i love my neediness. i love my not feeling i am enough so i need to overcompensate to make him like me to make him want to stay to make him love me. ick. i love my ick regressed little girl who hasn’t healed her daddy issues yet. i love that i still get all bunched up if a man says he’ll call and doesn’t. i honestly can’t tolerate it. if a man does that i bascially just push him out the window in my mind and honestly can’t reconcile myself with it for weeks or month. so he is literally out in the cold with me for a long time until when and if i feel like letting him near me again. and all guys do this as a test it seems and i don’t care. it’s my test right back. after i express my feelings and don’t wants and it happens again (and maybe even again) i’m done. i feel bad. i don’t want to be around someone i have no respect for or trust for.

    big trigger issue for me. i can’t seem to let it go. it triggers me trust issues and it seems a sign to me that they will not care for me respect me or caare for my feelings. i am triggered just writing about it!

    i feel good that i pushed those men off my horse. i feel positive i can find someone who is kind and respectful and cares for my feelings. i don’t need to settle for a man who purposefully continues to push my buttons. purposefully being key word.

    yes i am definitely being triggered just thinking about it.

  32.  #32Maria on December 21, 2008 at 5:18 am

    Alias Girl, l think you are doing very great, cos you are aware of whats going on of your triggers and you pay attention etc. You see, the things, my OPPOSSITES is that l reached the point, where it was matter of life and death but l wanted to live. You have to pay attention to the feelings and triggers. l have had oh, so many triggers, but l become to notice that it leads me nowhere. l can paint you a very nice image here and dont laugh now cos comparison is pretty funny. Have you seen a little cocodile baby making his way out of an egg…in one of those documentaries. you think it is soooo cute looking at this little thing and you dont mind having him in your bathroom, cos he keeps being sooo cute. Although you know it is a little crocodile, you cant help but keeping him in your bathroom. When you take him into your hand, you see how cute and sweet and harmless he is, and you wonder about people, who say crocodiles are dangerous… But soon you notice that teeth becoming to grown and croco becoming longer and bigger. But he is already in your head and in your bathroom and you ignore it….l skip the desbription here cos the end of the story is that crocodil has becoming a huge monster, making your sweet batroom messed up with water, eats all your soaps, perfumes and shampoo, bites you and not only that – demands some service from you!!! (not to mention water bills, cos he likes to explode your bath, filled with water and you need to take a shower asking permission from your neighbour).

    See l think the trigger feeling is still the same, but when you know where to put it in a very beginning, it does not harm you, it does not harm you at all. Crocos are nice in wild and your bathroom should be nice and comfy.

    What l did – l just tried to change my behaviour and worry less. Not being lazy means extra work, but if work does not give me profit, why should l?

  33.  #33Jem on January 19, 2009 at 8:19 pm

    Mocha, I’ve been told by some of my girlfriends that I am the guy in a relationship. Not all the time, LoL. From a guys’ stand point the reason your guy called you up and asked for a ride is because he still thinks your a friend. The reason is you do respond to his emails even if it’s only a joke. It sends him the message he still has an “in” to your life. Plus, don’t answer ANY calls until he leaves a message, “I need to talk to you” indicating he is now ready for more. In the meantime move on…take care of you. I don’t want you to get hurt again.

  34.  #34Sandra on January 26, 2009 at 10:55 am

    I have your Commitment Blueprint, and I’m working on the steps. In the midst of changing myself and picturing my man leading me across the bridge to the relationship I desire; he tells me he doesn’t want to lose my friendship. Ever. Then he reveals he is seeing someone else. Becoming exclusive with them.
    I had been living in the imaginary relationship. Taking the crumbs of good and ignoring the bad. I changed. Stopped contacting him. Stopped being sweet to him. Started seeing other guys. Told him I had friends and I didn’t need him, a guy friend. Completely cut off contact. I’m even trying to see him as a “Muse” who is guiding me and helping me.
    However, part of me wants to fall into old patterns. I want to tell him how I feel, in the hopes that it will enlighten him and he will realize he cares for me, too. I want to accept the “just friends” relationship because I believe the relationship he is in will fail and I want to be near by when it does. It physically hurt, how much I missed him. I was finding my purpose and dating and being busy but he was in my mind.
    So, I emailed him. I said “I miss you.”
    He said, ” as you should”, and now I’ve asked him if we could talk.
    So, Rori, what have I done? What do I do? I want to be honest and tell him how I feel, and still practice all the steps to finding the relationship I want. But, I also want to have him in my life. I miss him. The relationship was not what I wanted but it was something. From the moment I met him I feel like he is the one for me. We clicked like I’ve never clicked with a man before. Do I tell him that I wanted more, and if he can’t give it I accept him and move on? Or do I keep it to myself and keep working on me, and wait to see if he comes back around?
    Your Commitment Blueprint is wonderful and I will continue to follow the advice. I’ve downloaded Christian Carter’s information in the past, as well. Thank you so much for your guidance, thus far.
    I feel confident.

  35.  #35Becky on February 25, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    All of your advice is soooo good and I love to read it, it is so addicting. I have to say though that I need help with this topic. I have had the same thing happen to me and I did all the right things to help myself move on but then I messed up by asking my ex what he really wanted out of this breakup. I guess we never really discussed it so I am confused as to what it’s all about. He says he doesn’t feel like he wants a relationship with me right now and that he is so overly stressed with school. He says he’s not sure if he is in love with me anymore and can’t support a relationship right now because school takes up all his time. Am I messing things up for myself? What do I do? I have broken up with him a few years ago and was determined to move on becasuse I wasn’t sure if I wanted a relationship with him and he still came over to see my family so I saw him all the time and we became close friends and began to date again. I was hoping that this was sort of like that but I’m not sure it is. Can you help me out?
    Thanks soooo mucj!!!!

  36.  #36Rori Raye on February 25, 2009 at 9:41 pm

    Becky, Welcome – and I know the wonderful women here will share what works best for them, and that will help you enormously -and I’ll be specific about what to do: I want you to let him go, get out and Circular Date, and don’t talk to him at all. No contact. You have time to become friends much later on, and if he grows up in the meantime, he’ll be knocking at your door. Love, Rori

  37.  #37Robin on April 6, 2009 at 8:04 am

    Your work is so inspirational-thank you!
    Well, I’ve been reading the blogs for guidance, and feel like I may have made a mistake. I was involved w/ someone I work with ( we are both paid musicians at church, I’m a singer, he’s a pianist). We have to see each other every Saturday and Sunday b/c of this.

    Recently, he started dating someone, bringing her around. I backed way off, left the room, walked away if she started coming close by. I simply refuse to compete w/ another woman. One night we were supposed to rehearse, he asked if I would like to eat, we were eating appetizers, and this woman he’s seeing showed up w/ an overnight bag. I told him ” This feels bad, I don’t want to be here, and I feel like leaving.” We rehearsed to song we had to perform the next day 1 time, and I IMMEDIATELY left.

    Well, he noticed this and Sunday after church, asked if I would have lunch with him. I had a free hour & I accepted. During the lunch he started talking about how he loves the woman I’m becoming, and how dear of a ‘friend’ I am. I just listened. Maybe I should have left at that moment?

    He started trying to talk about what he loves about this woman he’s seeing, and I said “I don’t feel comfortable talking about women w/ you. It feels really crumby.” And he said the only reason he was bringing it up was b/c I have seen him w/ different women (true) and that no matter who he was dating, his respeact and admiration for me would never change. I said thank you, and we had a nice lunch, he kept bringing up how different I am from when he first met me. When it was time for me to leave, I got up and walked out.

    Well, maybe, I should have left when he first started talking about how deear of a ‘friend’ I am? Also, we are next to each other during the services, so how does it work then? Do I tell him how my life is going when he asks ( I never offer that up), or do I just give short 1 word answers? How do I pull that off without closing him out? I want to remain open and vulnerable when he’s in front of me, but if I don’t want him as a friend ( which I don’t), how do I accomplish this while still being warm and open?

    Any thoguths or suggestions would be very helpful.
    Thank you!

  38.  #38Rori Raye on April 6, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    Robin, Wow. You are doing brilliantly. Just brilliantly. And it’s drawing him in. I don’t know if anything will happen with him – the only thing YOU must do now is DATE. Please Circular Date, bring your dates to church with you – feel about this man as much as you can that he’s only a friend to YOU.

    This is “rock star” time, where you hang with a man professionally who you once were involved with. You can do this. Your work is important. You have to be there for the work. But, you don’t have to be there for the “friendship” he wants – and you’re doing brilliantly there.

    There is no right or wrong about the lunch – just try to do what feels best to you. If you don’t feel good, get up and leave – just say, as you have been, what you feel and stay away when it feels bad. You’re taking care of yourself – and the result is that every man will be attracted to you. Let all that happen and see where it takes you with OTHER men.

    Love, Rori

  39.  #39Robin on April 7, 2009 at 10:48 am


    Thank you so much for your encouragement!

    Could you elaborate, please, on the ‘rock star’ concept? Is this the physical manifestation of having the mindset that he is only a friend to ME?

    I’m starting to understand…it feels just a little fuzzy to me at the moment. I will definitely continue working on it.

    Thank you!

  40.  #40susan on April 26, 2009 at 3:57 am

    Please help. I have fallen into the friends trap. He ended a long term relationship and was going through a depressed period at the time. He behaved appallingly towards me during the break-up.

    I feel no anger, just a deep heart-breaking sadness. He has called me several times since then. When he feels he is getting close to me he retreats because he feels “weak”. I love him so much, and feel desperate to retain contact, even if it is in the form of crumbs.

    I feel that time is running out, please help.

  41.  #41Jem on April 26, 2009 at 5:32 am

    Quote from Rori
    “Do not pick up the phone, do not return calls, do not return emails. Nothing. If you see him at work, smile and walk past.

    If he should manage to get you on the phone, say “This doesn’t feel good, I ust don’t have the time for a man friend right now, I have to go…” and hang up the phone.”

    You have to do this…or you will always be the friend. Good luck, when you want to talk to him call a close girlfriend.

  42.  #42susan on April 26, 2009 at 6:34 am

    Thanks Jem.
    I feel weak though. I feel like a junkie who needs the contact. I feel this is forcing him into an ultimatum, and will provoke a reaction that I don’t want (i.e. pushing him away).
    How can one stop supporting someone who has been such a huge part of my life for so many years? Apparently, I am the only one he opens up to..

    Yet, he did not treat me right. I feel I am going crazy.. I don’t have much of a support system in place as I am far from my family and friends.

  43.  #43Jem on April 26, 2009 at 7:37 am

    I’ve been there. I stopped all contact. It took 6 months for me not to contact my guy. He kept up trying though. I just kept saying I am really busy. He would send jokes at least once a week. When I wouldn’t respond, he would call me at work. I wouldn’t answer still.

    Til one day, he wanted to talk seriously. I waited an extra week, then I accepted.

    He told me how sorry he was etc… However, he still did not say what I wanted to hear or try to start over. From that day forward, he called every day ’til I caved to start spending time with him again. That took another 3 months.

    Now, he does everything for me. He has paid for 2 trips to Vegas in the last 4 months. I went to visit him overseas for 7 days. He paid everything. He has never done that before.

    He is also paying to have my patio redone, which will cost $10,000. He calls every day, he refers to his parents as “our” parents. I am very happily surprised.

    I too, have no family where I am living. I have long distant girlfriends that I call from Florida to California. I joined a Meetup group in my town and have seen some new places and met some great gals to hang out with. I have painted my whole house (3000 sq ft) by myself in those months while I was waiting. I also went back to college and got my degree. Finally, after 25+ years. I lacked only 2 classes.

    I know it’s hard, but done cave in, you’ll fall back to your old routine and he’ll know it. Then, he holds all the cards. You’ll either start all over or lose him all together. The choice is yours.

  44.  #44susan on April 26, 2009 at 10:12 am

    Hi again,
    I feel somewhat heartened to hear your story. When my guy told me that he needed “space”, it caught me out of the blue — we were engaged, and I thought committed to each other.
    Since then, I haven’t initiated any contact, but he has, and I have responded to calls / emails.. perhaps I shouldn’t have.
    Also, he was depressed and I wanted to help and support him; I just find it really difficult to see someone I love in so much pain. But shouldn’t he be feeling the same? Why is he insensitive to my pain?

  45.  #45Flipper on April 26, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    Yes, Susan,it’s essential that he feel your pain, too, if he has what it takes to “do” relationship. But to ‘get that’, he needs your ‘tough’ love – not outright demands or ultimatums, nor, heaven forbid, games – but your full, unyielding commitment to yourself to take care of Your Needs (or get them taken care of), Before you will share your loving, selfless support with him. So: strong on your inside, to be able to withstand feeling your pain in all it’s intensity, at the same time allowing him to see, through your words that describe it, that you are hurting. Rory has explained how giving him the opportunity to empathize with you is far more effective in helping him with his own problems than showing understanding and ‘supporting’ him in the way you would with your girlfriends, children or close family (and as we women usually love to be supported).

  46.  #46susan on April 26, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    Hi Flipper,
    Thanks for that. Would you point me to the post where Rori explains “how giving him the opportunity to empathize with you is far more effective”?
    My concern is that given his depressive state, I am not sure that he can empathize with me…

  47.  #47Jem on April 26, 2009 at 8:11 pm

    You have to let him understand why he’s depressed by not being there for him. He needs to figure it out on his own or seek a therapist. When he reaches out due to a need of his not yours and you respond, you feel his emotional need temporary. He can’t see how much he needs you when you are available for him all the time.

    The heart grows fonder when you are away. Yet, how can he feel you’re pain if you are so busy taking care of his pain!

    I was always there for my guy to listen to him, when happy, sick, hurting, depressed or dating others until I realized I deserved better than that because I wanted more.

    After the time I wasn’t available for him, which is almost 9 months, he told me how much he missed me, how much he missed hearing my voice, if all it was just to hear me say, “Hello.” When he returned, I learned he had double knee surgery and during his stay at the hospital he remembered how I took care of him years ago when he had pneumonia. He tells me more now than the past 5 years how much he appreciates me. He thanks me everytime I do something nice for him. It’s not often, in fact, he says it even when all I do is listen now or just make a small suggestion. He totally amazes me.

    So, stop looking back and start moving forward. Walk away softly and let him miss you because obviously if you were engaged he loved you once. If you allow him to miss you, he’ll start reminicing of things you two did or things you did for him. H

  48.  #48Flipper on April 27, 2009 at 3:08 am

    Hi Susan, Jem just gave a wonderful illustration. Rori did a whole post about dealing with a depressed man (besides the one she wrote in response to your or another Susan’s question) but I couldn’t find it. I’ll just add this quotation from Rori that sums up how the capacity to empathize (i.e. ‘feel WITH’ someone) kicks in for men: “this is what he wants – a woman who can feel, so that HE can feel safe to feel in YOUR presence”. Remember, this means feel and share HER feelings, however weak-feeling or ‘hateful’, not try to feel his FOR him.

  49.  #49Susan on April 27, 2009 at 5:23 am

    Thanks Jem, Flipper.
    Even after he broke up with me, he has called me over his friends / family to talk about what was on his mind. I feel a little stuck here: he has always turned to me when he needed to talk to someone. I was always there for him, because that’s what I thought relationships were about.
    What I did not know is that this behavior of mine might have been sending out “friend” signals or “mom” signals instead. I felt I did create a safe environment for him and for us to talk — but now he says he feels “weak” when he turns to me, and I just don’t know how to reverse this… 8(

  50.  #50Jem on April 27, 2009 at 5:36 am

    Everyone here is trying to convey to you and every other woman trying to get her man how to turn it around. Yet, will you (other women) listen and act on it.

  51.  #51Jem on April 27, 2009 at 5:50 am

    Good luck! Things will turn around, when you start turning things around.

  52.  #52Susan on April 27, 2009 at 6:42 am

    thanks for the support.. it does mean a lot.
    I’m trying to do my best to focus on myself, and turn my behavior and attitudes around…

  53.  #53Flipper on April 28, 2009 at 7:58 am

    To quote Rori again, just “Stop”. Don’t be there for him, at all – as a mom, friend, lover, anything. What we thought relationships were about turned about to be untrue – YOU know this, because this ‘relationship’ doesn’t feel good to you. It might look like betrayal (of our ideals) to us, but it will feel better not to keep giving your precious support and energy away to someone who takes them from you, because that’s the way of least resistance and most pleasure, but offers nothing in return. Whether he can’t or won’t makes no difference – nothing We Give will change anything for the better.

    If you’re a junkie-giver like me, go practice receiving – the feelings of unnaturalness and resistance will take up a lot of time and energy to turn around, but they’ll be well-spent instead of wasted and mastering this capacity will serve you well.

  54.  #54Lisalisa on April 29, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    I value my ex. It’s been 6 months since he left. He wants to be friends. I feel love for him still. Do I tell him? Is it weird to feel more love for someone out of a relationship? Is that all in my head? Or has distance helped me see both our parts in the reasons for the break up?

  55.  #55Lisalisa on May 7, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    my ex skyped me last night. i don’t know how to tell him that a skype relationship isn’t what i want with him. only trouble is i am afraid to truly let go, knowing that if i say that, it means he’s out of my life completely. But a skype conversation doesn’t feel good. it feels blah, general chit chat that i can have with anyone. i have deeper conversations with other friends.

    i need to put my foot down. but at the same time i am confused because he has offered friendship, and if i wanted to see him as a friend i could. but again it’s not what i want.

  56.  #56ssgren on May 7, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Hi Lisalisa,
    I’ve had the same experience.. he skypes when he wants to under the pretext of checking in on me, but he really wants to talk about what is on his mind. He told me that he wanted to be my friend. The next time I saw him, I told him that I was hurt and that I still had feelings for him, to which he replied that he had feelings too, and always did. However, he didn’t take it any further — and neither did I (that would be leaning forward).

    I feel like a junkie for the highs the contact gives me, and am finding it hard to let go. I feel that if he sees how much I’ve changed over the last few months, it might make a difference. I am not sure that he has changed though or whether he is working on himself..
    I applied for a job in another country. I don’t know if it’s what I want, but it was a step..

    Is your ex still seeing the other woman? He can’t have his cake and eat it. He is probably missing you in some way, but does not want to label it as anything more than “friends”, because he is scared.
    How do you feel about not seeing him at all for a few months?

  57.  #57Lisalisa on May 7, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    It’s hard to know what to do isn’t it?

    Yes, we’ve both done the I still have feelings for you thing, yet it changes nothing on his side. He is still seeing someone else. I don’t feel like a junkie, I just want to either be in his life or not be in it – that would mean he would have to truly share it, and he didn’t for the last 10 years and I accepted that. I won’t anymore. Yet there is that attachment to him.

    I don’t know if he really does have feelings for me or if he’s just trying to be nice, to be friends. So far I don’t see that anything has changed on his side, and that’s what I need to remind myself of when I miss him or feel the need to contact him…nothing has changed. But I know I am changing, and it feels sooooo good! Now that I pay more attention to how I’m feeling, to how others are feeling, I feel so much more nurturing and caring for others. I see I have codependent traits, but it’s not so scary anymore now that I recognise them. It’s actually liberating.

    I’ve barely seen him since the split. I wanted to talk things out after the breakup, but he didn’t want to and it was difficult. He wanted to catch up like friends, like we never were together it seemed!!

    So not seeing him hasn’t been too much of a problem, although he did bump into me and a friend a week ago, said quick hello’s and a quick chat and off he went. I feel like it gives me a chance to work on me, and I am making big changes. So, like you, I fear he won’t get to see those changes, but I am making them for me, so it really doesn’t matter.

    I’ve made the decision not to contact him. Last night he contacted me, and would like to do so again. Yes, he would. But if I’m not ready to just be friends, what is the point? It would only end up confusing and hurting us both. He left, after 10 years, what more do I need to realise he doesn’t want to be with me?

    The thing is, if I really do wish him well, then being friends shouldn’t be an issue…but the attachment is still there 6 months on. The reality is that he took the path of least resistance in my opinion when it came to our relationship – he left, rather than go through the hard yards it might have taken to get back on track. But perhaps he sees it differently, that leaving was the hard path. I don’t know. I want to feel the highs – I want to let myself get excited over speaking to him, that giddyness we used to feel as lovers, but I am scared to let myself feel that, because it is only me who wants it.

    One thing he has noticed is that I am going out more with friends etc. I’ve noticed that the few friendships I do have, have become closer and better and that’s wonderful. Probably because I opened up to them more, letting them in, seeing me for who I am.

    I wish I was in the situation of being able to leave countries! It would be a nice new adventure, but I have some debt to pay off. Maybe in a year! I also didn’t want to make any rash decisions when it came to work/uni/life.

    How are you going with that?

  58.  #58Lisalisa on May 7, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    Rori, you say to let him go and get out there and circular date. That there will be time to become friends much later on…how much later? I was with this guy for 10 years.

  59.  #59Lisalisa on May 7, 2009 at 9:30 pm

    When I think about emailing him something, I feel anxious, so now I don’t do it, even though there is still so much I want him to know.

    When he skypes me, I feel unimportant to him, that I am just someone to fill the time he has between things, that I am not worthy of his real time and attention, however I have created that by not wanting to ‘do coffee’ or ‘go to the pub’.

    I’m not sure how to get a clear message out. Yes, I am happy to talk about us if you want to. No I am not ready to be friends, when I want more. I am angry with myself for wanting more with you. Call me when you change!!!

    I don’t want to treat him like the scum of the earth because he is not. I don’t want to cut him out of my life because he is a worthy person. But the current way we are interacting isn’t working for me either.

  60.  #60ssgren on May 8, 2009 at 2:49 am

    I wish I knew the answer.. it still feels as though he only wants your “good” parts, and he only wants this when he feels like it. [Identical situation on my side]. Yet, whether one is someone’s friend or lover, one has to accept the bad with the good, one cannot pick and choose. We all have friends with annoying habits — but we don’t walk away from them right?
    What would happen if you were “friends”, and you needed to talk to him one evening about something, but the other woman was there? Would he make time for you?

    I feel I am getting mixed messages from him. He cuddles me when we are together (and I let him). Am I weak, or am I giving in to getting my needs fulfilled too, even though it’s only temporary?

    I am glad to hear that you feel that you have grown over the last months. At some level, I feel I have too. However, I feel alone. I have great friends, but everyone has their own lives. I thought I was special to him, as he was to me.

    I completely agree with what you say about taking the easy way out. I feel that all relationships need to be worked at, whether it is with one’s parents / siblings / friends etc. So, why do so many men see this as a “problem”? Things cannot always be “easy” and “carefree”…

    Changing countries is going to be hard, but if I do it, I have to be sure that I am not running away.

  61.  #61sue on May 28, 2009 at 10:32 am

    Hi there I am curiuos to find out if i have been in a relationship for June 8th this year will make it 8 years. Yes 8 years, no kids, no marriage etc. Wehave had alot of ups and downs. I am seven years younger than him. I always lied to him and he does not trust me. But in January this year I completely stopped and he broke up with me in ending April for something I did since December last year. I love him and he say’s he loves me. We speak over the phone. A month has passed since and I keep saying lets work at it again and he keeps saying he is tired of the lies the second chances. What should I do? I never really made my mind up to stop lying but I told him so many times tha tI did because I could not tell him I was just telling him that not to break it off. I know this is the man of my life. I want kids, family etc. the full works with him. HOW CAN I CONVINCE HIM THIS TIME BABES I AM REALLY A CHANGES PERSON???

  62.  #62Rori Raye on May 28, 2009 at 1:14 pm

    Sue, Welcome, and I’m so sorry you’re finding yourself in this situation. Lying covers up deeper stuff. Stopping lying means letting out some of the horribly unpleasant truths you’ve been stuffing down all these years. I’m not sure what you lie about, and if you only lie to him and no one else – but THIS is where you start. Stop lying all throughout your life. Change. As YOU change, he will either be attracted back to you mightily, or he won’t. A man who stays with a woman who lies for 8 years WANTS a woman who lies. This is a push-pull, toxic relationship. My hope is that as you heal yourself, other men who WANT a TRUTHFUL woman will show up for you, and you’ll have what you truly want. Love, Rori

  63.  #63Cyn on June 14, 2009 at 7:14 am

    I am a hot mess and not sure what to do…I got Rori’s Commitment Blueprint and now I’m more confused than ever. I just don’t know what to do with myself. My guy and I have been on and off for 1-1/2 years. He always breaks up with me saying he doesn’t see a future with me. But he ALWAYS comes back. The thing is that we don’t have any problems. We have major physical attraction, we have so much fun and laugh together, and we can talk and communicate. He just always says he feels ‘hesitation’ in his heart and doesn’t want to go any further…he’s said this about other women as well. I have begun to enact the 7 steps and I am at step 2. The problem is that I don’t get the opportunity to give him feeling messages because he won’t call me!!! He will text to his hearts content, but actually talk to me??? Why won’t he call me??? He may go days before texting, but he usually resurfaces…after the weekend is over. His latest stunt is he didn’t even call or text me on my birthday. ugh!! I love him so much and feel that he is the one for me…but I feel just sick and overwhelmed and worried that he’ll flake out on me at any moment! I’ve gotten my own life and passions and do my own thing….I’m even dating several men right now, and he knows about it!! Why are these steps not working for me????

  64.  #64Rori Raye on June 14, 2009 at 10:44 am

    Cyn – Welcome. The piece you’re missing is Circular Dating – it’s later in the Commitment Blueprint program, and you’ll need the details and the how-to of how to do it in your particular situation. The program for the details is Targeting Mr. Right – and there’s tons of free stuff here and mentoring around Circular Dating that will get you unstuck here. You’ve got a friends with benefits thing going on, whether or not you are willing to acknowledge that. You are with a man who’s told you you are not the “one.” Take him at his word. The only way he can suddenly discover that you ARE “the one” is to get your life in gear. Love, Rori

  65.  #65Lisalisa on June 14, 2009 at 4:35 pm

    I am getting my life in gear. But he’s not coming back. He’s dating someone else. Is there anything I can do?

    We haven’t seen each other for months.

  66.  #66Flipper on June 15, 2009 at 12:22 pm

    Once it’s in gear, we move it forward, without waiting for or expecting any particular person to come on board. We move it forward to see just who will be hailing us and is willing to run along hard enough to keep up. Feeling confident that they will show up (and that those that don’t, aren’t worth missing because they are not what we want.)

    When I’m ‘feeling’ that a certain someone was The one for me, I remind myself that it’s not really true right now: if it were, he’d by calling, taking me out and generally making me feel great, not awful. Then I remember this lousy thing and that, and start to feel irritated, which feels a whole lot better than pining and it becomes easier and easier to pass onto something else. (I Know I am the best for him, but that’s another matter – His loss or poor judgment, which helps chip away at the admiration I felt for him as a person, and thus my attachment.)

  67.  #67ssgren on June 15, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    Hi Lisa,
    I had been wondering how things were going with you..
    Although I sort of agree with Flipper, I too am finding it hard to let go of all that investment, over all those years… believing that he was “the one”.
    Has there been absolutely no contact with him? How can he see how much you’ve changed?
    I don’t know.. do you think that it would be “leaning forward” to call and ask him out for a coffee? It would be on your terms…

  68.  #68Lisalisa on June 15, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    Hi everyone,

    Ssgren, it hasnt been complete no contact, but an online chat once a month, initiated by him. Last time that happened, I said this wasnt the type of relationship i wanted with him, and he said he would try and make a time to catch up soon…I havent heard from him.

    I still think about him a lot, but it serves no point. He is not interested. He is in a relationship with someone else. We don’t see each other. He is keen to keep in touch. I deserve better.

    My self esteem is so low that I fail to see it. If my self esteem was high i might have left years ago. That is what i should be working on.

    I wont call him to catch up. He made his choice.

  69.  #69Lisalisa on June 15, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    Ssgren how are you doing?

  70.  #70Flipper on June 15, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    For me, contacting him in any way, for any reason, doesn’t work. It DOESN’t FEEL GOOD. Hearing the voice when he picks up, reading the lines of his blah msg – for a few mins., yes, I feel a zing and then it all falls flat. Nothing comes of it, except prolonging the misery. I don’t actually want to contact him. I want to be contacted – him to WANT to contact me and the only proof of that is if He does it. Men do what the Want to do, and don’t do what they don’t want to do. (And deep down, I know I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me.) The hard thing for me is to avoid showing what feels like (or I mistakenly believe to be) the most basic politeness: responding quickly and ‘positively’ to any sign, showing concern about or trying to prevent problems, etc., even the automatic ‘how ‘r’ you?’ even before He has asked me as much.

    As for ‘How do they know if they don’t even see us?’ It’s like in the title of this thread – they really do feel our energy somehow (which it seems they like feeling but then take for granted, with no qualms about not sending theirs to us), and they also somehow get it when our energy is going away from them – feeling its absence is often when they feel compelled to get back in contact. This has happened to me like that. One guy I hadn’t heard from in a year even said ‘I have no idea why I had to call you’. (I was finally and consciously getting over him.) I did get a weird feeling hearing that, but had no realization at the time of how important it was to Go With That Feeling and show some boundaries. I wish I’d said that I’d feel happy to talk to him again when he figured it out, cuz he never did and in the meantime I slid back into imaginary relationship mode.

  71.  #71ssgren on June 16, 2009 at 1:35 am

    Hi Lisa,
    I”m sorry to hear that you’re feeling down. I know that it hurts. On the positive side, at least he seems to want to keep in touch. I agree that it might not be a good idea to get in touch with him if you think your self-esteem will take a battering; I guess if you want contact, it has to be on your terms. Is there any chance that you can spend some “fun” time together (i.e. no relationship talk), to remind him of how great it was with you?

    Things are a bit confusing on my side. I feel I am getting a lot of very mixed messages. He has initiated contact on several occasions, but I do not feel he is ready to talk about “us” just yet, even though we have spent some time together. I am still not at the stage where I don’t feel anxious thinking about the relationship.

  72.  #72Lisalisa on June 16, 2009 at 2:07 am

    We have not spent any time together. He is open to being friends, but I don’t see how when there is so much unspoken to process.

    He is seeing someone else so I do not feel it is my place to be in his life.

    My issues aren’t just related to him. It’s me. And that’s the scariest part – knowing I have to fix myself. I have to get my self esteem to healthy levels. It’s a very slow process.

    Yes I want him in my life. I just can’t take the abandonment. It hurts. He is not nasty, he is as supportive as he can be. I just wish he could have talked to me, that we could have talked to each other.

  73.  #73Lisalisa on June 16, 2009 at 2:08 am

    I just wish he could have hung in there with me. But he’d already given up way before he left. He deserves happiness. We both do.

  74.  #74ssgren on June 16, 2009 at 4:51 am

    At least you recognize and acknowledge that there are issues you have to deal with. It is a long and slow process I know.. but soon it’ll become habit and you won’t even know that you’re having to make an effort! You have to believe that! I completely understand what you mean by the hurt caused by rejection and abandonment — I feel it everyday. I feel that you are focussing on the fact that he is seeing someone: you don’t know whether she really means something to him, or whether she is just a stepping-stone. After all, you did spend 10years together, it isn’t easy to just erase that right? Unfortunately we can’t change the past, but we can focus on the here and now, and we can stop trying to second-guess other people. I had been doing that a lot, and things get easier when one just stops. Try it! Has he explicitly said to you “friends only ever” or are you reading too much into “I want to us to remain friends”?

  75.  #75Cyn on June 16, 2009 at 8:26 am

    Now I’m really confused…I feel like I’m getting my life in gear. I AM Circular Dating. I flirt with EVERYONE…men are falling over themselves trying to get at me….asking to be my “man”. I have no interest in these guys. My guys knows that I’m going out with other men and he occasionally will seem a bit jealous, but then he just disappears again. Then after a week or so he will text me like nothing ever happened. How can I get him to see suddenly that he cannot be without me if he never calls? Texting just isn’t cutting it with me.

  76.  #76Flipper on June 17, 2009 at 3:29 am

    Cyn, (Lisalisa, Ssgren) – you can’t “get” him to do anything, and anyway, you wouldn’t be happy with anything it felt as if you’d “made” him do. Howabout stepping back further and Not responding to texts. When he calls : “It feels good to hear your voice”, and no “how’r’u?” or other remark/question about him. If and when he mentions you haven’t been responding to his messages, maybe something like “I feel irritated with texting” (or whatever feeling you have about that), sans explanation. Maybe “I didn’t feel like interupting what I was doing, and later the moment felt lost.” I would try to put my answers to his remarks about this in the form of ‘don’t wants’. “I feel good being in contact, and I don’t want to feel like that’s not much of a priority”, or “…like I’m just waiting around”.

  77.  #77Flipper on June 17, 2009 at 3:35 am

    PS Congrats on the circular dating! I’d love to be revelling in the good feelings, however ‘incomplete’ they are, that come from those guys, and just sink into the bad ones they are also triggering (glad to be practicing with no goes so I can handle them when I need to).

  78.  #78Lisalisa on June 17, 2009 at 3:52 am

    My ex left after 10 years. He’s seeing someone else. What more do i need to see? It’s done.

  79.  #79Flipper on June 17, 2009 at 4:05 am

    I’m still feeling too much energy going towards men who aren’t there. Even though I now realize the quality of my limitless feelings of love, and that they belong to me, when I’m thinking about or yearning for those who have abandonned me or show indifference, that feels like a lien has been put on them. They are still mine, but not fully available for my own well being or to respond to someone else who would like to share his attraction and mutual caring for me.

    Also, I want to gather my energy together within myself. I’m in the process of “taking back my gifts” and although they were offered to share without strings, I did not intend to give them away for “nothing”. I feel as if they were neglected, taken as something ‘nice’ but superfluous, without much meaning for the receiver, who just left them lying around within himself to feel good about from time to time, but without bothering to connect that to me.

    And I realize I don’t really want that person to be happy without me. I’m not against it, but I don’t want any of My energy being wasted on wanting that. When I think of them happy without me, I feel angry and dejected, then my NV’s rear up and say it’s really my fault cuz I wasn’t ready or worthy or some crap. Even if I recognize that he was not worthy of me, my NV’s come down on me for my poor judgment in choosing him! But now I feel happy about the anger and try to stoke it for all it’s worth. And it’s just too bad if the NV’s get swiped aside rather tartly in the process – I don’t want to lose momentum by having to baby them (they’re tough cookies and know they’ll get theirs soon enough).

  80.  #80Andie on August 21, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    Can I just say that this article has some of the best advice I’ve ever read when dealing with a break-up, in particular relating to breaking all contact, getting on with your life and realising that he would have kept stringing me along because he actually does like me but wants me on his terms, not mine.

    I was seeing a guy who initially totally swept me off my feet then went cold, claiming he couldn’t handle any kind of commitment at the time but wanted to be ‘friends’ (i.e. keep his options open)

    I asked him not to contact me again and got on with my life as best I could – not easy at the time as I’d really fallen for him. However slowly but surely I got my confidence back again and have now got to the point where I’m out and about meeting, chatting and flirting with other guys. 4 months later, whilst I think about him every now and again I’m pretty over him and having fun with new guys.

    Then today, out of the blue, I got a text from him saying that he’d be at the same party as me in a months time and that he’d thought he’d best let me know in case I was thinking of going and would rather avoid bumping into him. Whilst I’m not sure if the origins are sheer arrogance, thinking I still care or complete desperation (an excuse to get in touch). I haven’t laughed so much in ages so I thought I’d share it 🙂

    Incidentally, I did respond saying that I would be going but that his presence was somewhat irrelevant to whether I went or not – which I can genuinely say is the truth – and wished him a pleasant evening. And, he replied back but I’m not going to get drawn into conversation with him.

    So if you’re in the place where I was 4 months ago feeling down and hopeless I’d like to share this with you:

    – Do not contact him, AT ALL, don’t bitch about or mention him in conversation with his friends
    – Get on with your life – do stuff for YOU, flirt, do things that make YOU feel good stuff
    – He WILL get back in touch eventually – trust me on this – and WHEN not IF, but WHEN he gets in touch, you’ll be so over him and it will be extremely powerful and confidence boosting to you to realise that you’ve got over all the hurt he caused you but also that he is only just about to go through realising he’s totally messed up and lost you, possibly for good unless he really pulls his socks up!!!

  81.  #81Rori Raye on August 21, 2009 at 1:03 pm

    Thank you, Andie, for this great, helpful comment. Rori

  82.  #82Jennifer on September 11, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    Hi everyone,
    This is my situation that I am in now. I have been in a “friends” relationship with a guy for 1 1/2 years. We have always been extremely flirtous, very touchy feely… we spent one night “together”, and then made out a few times, but we just never took it to that level again. We would spend 24/7 together, and he had started to see this girl, which he completely hid from me, but sadly I have been cheated on enough in past relationships, that I knew what was going on, and I confronted him about it. And that’s when I got the dreaded “I just want to be friends” speech. At first, I did the “I don’t want to lose you, I will love you better than…, I can be your friend.” which was just lying to me and as Rori puts it so elegantly, it does not matter what you feel for him, it is what he feels for you. Then I found this blog. I set him aside, and I told him I could not be his friend, that he already had 2 best guy friends, and that even though we work together, no more coming over to the house, no more calling and no more texting. Do you know what he said to me? He said he was so turned on, that he wanted to go to bed together. I said no! Since then, I have leaned WAY back and have NEVER started the contact. He was always very complimentary towards me, But suddenly it was different compliments like, I have a beautiful singing voice, or my hair looks shiny today..you know..sweet stuff, that seemed to tell me he was paying attention to the “little” things. I won’t allow him around for me for weeks, except he still got to see me at work. Then he started to call and ask me if he could see me, and at first I thought it was because he wanted to “talk” but we just ended up hanging out, and then he started asking me out to dinner, and wanted to take me shopping…which I let him do, because it made me feel like a girl, and I was not doing the leaning in. Then one night, he took me to dinner (He pays for everything, when before we always split the bill or I paid mostly), and we came back to my place, and we were laughing and having a great time (like we always do.. we really do have a blast!) and suddenly, he looked down at me and said “I want to kiss you right now.” I shyly looked back up at him, and I said “You do?” waited like 3 seconds, holding his glaze, and then I looked down, because I felt like I was leaning forward, and then I looked back up at him, and he was still looking at me, and held his glaze for like another 4 seconds, BUT he didn’t move in for the kiss. So, I just looked back down, moved myself away from him completely, and sat on the other side of the couch, and acted like nothing happened. He always hugs me good bye when he sees me, and he always has to come in for the hug because I won’t, but now he kisses me on the cheek when he hugs me. Should I lean back more, or am I not being soft enough, or maybe not recieving enough, or am I just being strung along again? He said one of the reasons why he wanted to just be friends, is that there was “no chase” with me… well I am trying to give him a chase now! I know I need to start circular dating… baby steps. Any other suggestions?

  83.  #83Annie on January 8, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    Hi. Am so glad I found this site! Can really relate to what everyone’s been saying. I got introduced to a guy back in Sept 09. We hit it off right away..he made all the moves and boy were they fast! I got swept up in it all and we became close quite quickly. We spoke on phone pretty much every day, lots of texts. He’d always want to know if I got home safe after I left him etc. My friends could see I was happy and same with him. I’d been introduced to a member of his family as girlfriend. He’d been a bit unwell when I met him and I got caught up in supporting him with this..natural for me. He was very appreciative of my concern and support but I do wonder if I should have walked away….much of his health problem was self-inflicted as it turned out. Anyway, after a few weeks he made odd comment of not knowing what he wanted. When I asked him what he meant he said it was just him, and he wasn’t used to someone caring. Few more weeks went past. Further comment as before….same explanation. Then we went away for a short break. Lovely. But I had nagging feeling not all was right. He’d avoided kissing me a couple of time…turning his face so I got his cheek. That really bothered me. Then while away right out of the blue he said he knew that whatever happened we’d always be friends. I felt so anxious I couldn’t even ask him about this. I may have been over-attentive but he did seem to enjoy the attention I was giving him. He’d been married many years before and had several long term relationships. His elderly mum was ill (didn’t live with her) and he’d told me he had to see her more often. I understood this and thought this just meant maybe we’d still see each other once a week. How wrong I was! Phone calls stopped. Texts became minimal. Quite often prompted by me. I’ve had to ask if ok to ring him. When this all started I asked him if we were ok. he said yes. Then a couple more weeks would pass with just odd texts but no attempt by him to speak to me on phone. When we did speak again he’d said he valued our friendship and what we have. I asked him where we were. Was I waiting in wings for things to settle down. he said he could live with this. I felt really unwell while all this uncertainly was going on. Wish I’d tackled him about things straight out. Feel I’ve been led on and then dumped. But I could be wrong. Maybe he just wanted space. But does space mean completely altering one’s behaviour to the other person? i only texted once roughly every 3 days sure by now he really wasn’t bothered. Surely someone would want nice things if bad stuff happening in life? ie his mum being ill. Christmas approached. We spoke Christmas eve after he’d said it was ok for quick chat. one of his down sides has been he is very negative man about lots of stuff and I’ve been involved with negative men before and it’s never good for me. Anyway, chat xmas eve was sort of normal-ish. But I sensed he was going through the motions. He told me he felt really mean. Again I was too scared to say anything. No card or present from him. No time available for him to see me. He had promised me nice christmas. Friends suggested I didn’t contact him anymore but I knew I had to regain some control as anxiety making me unwell. By new year’s day later afternoon having had no wishes from him for 2010, I’d had enough and knew it was doing me no good at all hanging around and rightly or wrongly I sent polite text with best wishes for 2010 etc to say I couldn’t continue as things were and that he was more than mean and that I deserved better. Said he didn’t understand what friendship meant and that I wanted to be left alone. Quite possibly what he wanted anyway. But i do feel better as each day passes and know he wasn’t right for me. Very sad for me as I had been happy and I feel as if hope has vanished again. But it’s his loss. Perhaps he has commitment phobia or he suddenly decided he wasn’t attracted to me. I hadn’t wanted to ‘look after’ him when we met and if he’d looked after himself that wouldn’t have been necessary. Am trying not to blame myself but I appreciate there’s two sides to a story. That said, I should trust my intuition because with hindsight there was an underlying ‘something’ that I was concerned about….but I chose to ignore it and said nothing. He’s probably done me a favour – would I have walked away if he hadn’t backed off??? Bless all of us star-struck lovers and friends out there. I’m sure there’s someone perfect for us who’s still trying to reach us!

  84.  #84Pam on January 10, 2010 at 6:28 pm

    Hello ladies! Wow, I really wish I found Rori months ago! I too am at the “can we be friends” crossroad. My ex and I dated 1 year but after about 6 months I noticed he just wasn’t interested in the relationship anymore. He wasn’t himself, so I approached him. He said this happens in all of his relationships. He gets in a “rut” but please be patient with him, so I was. Things got better for a bit, then again, it felt as if I was hanging out with a buddy. There was little to no romance. So I had a talk with him. He agreed that we should take a “break”. About 3 weeks later we had a chat about things and that was when he told me some very sad & deep issues. Especially with his family. It was the first time I seen him cry. Since then there’s been countless emails, online chats & we’ve seen other 5 times since the break-up 3 months ago. I’ve tried to act happy around him, be a friend, but I can’t. I’m in love with him. I want to be more than friends. He’s starting to feel uncomfortable around me and told me he can’t give me what I want, so I need to figure things out on my own. Below are things he’s said to me that keep me holding on so tight.

    -he doesn’t know what to say about me getting over him, in a way he doesn’t want me to
    -he wants to break down his walls & love someone like he used to & he wants that person to be me
    -maybe this is what he needs…maybe he needs to realize what a great thing he has in me
    -he knows my heart is breaking but his will break too if I walk out of his life
    -he’s never met someone so willing to give to those around them and never expect anything back
    -it’s not selfish for me to want him in my life because he can’t imagine life without me
    -he loved spending time with me and still wants to
    -he’s blessed to have someone like me in his life
    -he holds me very close to his heart
    -he doesn’t want to be alone the rest of his life and regretting all the wonderful chances he had with wonderful woman
    -he needs to figure out what is wrong with him (he’s going to speak to a therapist)

    I’m a total mess when it comes to figuring this out. Many friends of mine had told me to not be his friend, to get out there and date. But I’m afraid I’ll lose him forever. I’ve never felt this way about someone. He’s my perfect match (well obviously not if we’re not together right? Haha!) The more reading I do, the more I realize he has intimacy problems. I know he’s upset with what happened to us. He has cried many times. I know he cares about me & cherished our time together. He really is a great guy and has so much to offer. It really is a shame.

    Anyhow, I just wanted to say hi. I wish everyone luck with their relationships or if they’re out there dating. Rori you are AMAZING! Thank you for helping us! Everything happens for a reason right?

  85.  #85Rori Raye on January 11, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    Annie, Thank you so much for your story…and though I’m sorry for your heartache and that you were not able to take better care of yourself while he was drifting away and treating you poorly – you sound wonderful – with a wonderful attitude and a fresh start – and next time will be so much better!! Love, Rori

  86.  #86Annie on January 11, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    Thanks so much, Rori. I have checked out a lot of the info on your site..and I have to say I am impressed. I have done a lot of reading about relationships with the self and others over the last few years. This hasn’t stopped me falling into the pit a few times!!! Part of life’s rich tapestry, no doubt! One of my problems is I’m both creative and analytical by nature. The analytical side switches on the moment I’m with a man and I need to learn how to go with the feeling (intuition) rather than prepare for a dissertation into the ‘whys and wherefores’ of a man’s attitude and behaviours. Yes, there are reasons why we all react certain ways, with fear being a huge driving force. But what I’m trying to take from this recent experience (when I can stop letting my mind drift to ‘if only I’d…..’ ) is that (a) I should have encouraged conversation/communication the first time he mentioned ‘friendship’ rather than be scared to say anything and (b) do I really want to be a ‘fixer-upper’ or ‘facilitator’ to any more men!!! I’d also like to recomment a beautiful book called “The Art of Loving” by Don Miguel Ruiz. I remembered this book was on my shelf just at the right time. A key message in this book (amongst many) is: ‘why settle for a dog when we really want a cat’. A dog will always be a dog. That’s how it was made. Again, many thanks to everyone on this site for their thoughts, feelings etc. Hope is a good thing to have and I refuse to let this man take it away from me!!!!

  87.  #87Rori Raye on January 11, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    Pam, Welcome – and you’re not going to like this. Please don’t read if you don’t want to hear: He’s not afraid of intimacy. His “sad” issues are meaningless. There is nothing here for you. Get away from him – now. You will NEVER be more than a friend to him. He loves you as a friend, he knows you’re a fabulous woman, he wishes he loved you the way he wants to love a woman. But he doesn’t. He’s not that into you. He’s not attracted to you romantically. You’re bamboozling yourself. And I say it this way because it’s not his fault. He’s being totally upfront with you. He’s not trying to sleep with you when he’s horny and then backing off again. He’s plain and simple: Not interested. He may be gay. He may have met another woman he has feelings for who isn’t interested in him. Nothing matters. When a man doesn’t want to have sex with you (except as a friend – and I don’t hear he’s interested in that, either)….and you’re not married to him — get outta there!!!!

  88.  #88Celeste on January 23, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    He called me a week ago, after he had dissapeared for a year. So weird.. he wanted to apologise and be my friend.. I said apologies accepted but no friendship. I do miss him, and still have feelings for him, it is difficult to move on. He is back in my life in a certain way now. I needed to hear some words from him, apologies but the words:i want to be your fiend, you are so great, and better than my ex. He hurted me again…

  89.  #89Seina on February 4, 2010 at 12:04 pm


    I just wanted to say thank you! This post is the final piece in a puzzle that has confounded me for years. I also ALWAYS get put in the friends category after a romantic relationship goes south. From reading your blog and ebook, I now know WHY I am demoted to a friend. Sometimes it’s been the guy, most times it’s been me (overthinking, overfunctioning, not allowing my feelings to be seen for fear of being called overemotional, needy etc.).

    I found your website because I wanted to figure out why the latest ex – the one who was everything I’ve ever wanted in a man – doesn’t ‘feel’ it for me anymore, although he told me he loves our conversation and is obviously sexually and spiritually attracted to me. I now know that I took what started out as a heart connection and wrangled it into a mind, spiritual, and sexual connection (short circuited the attraction as you say). WHY I did that is something I need to work on within myself. But I see THAT I did that as clearly as I see this computer screen, and I couldn’t have seen it without your guidance.

    Now the ex wants to be friends. Of course he wants to be my friend, I’m a fantastic woman! But I know from years of heartache and being in an imaginary relationship for 5 years – one that tore me apart inside and made me doubt my femininity – that no amount of “friendship” will bring this man closer.

    Instead, I’m making the choice that I once made years ago when I finally ended the longest imaginary relationship on record (the man never even wanted to KISS me, after 5 years!). That is, I choose love, relationship, marriage. This current man isn’t offering me that anymore, and so — even though I believe it’s my ‘fault’ that I’m in the friendzone — I’m gone.

    Perhaps the most recent ex will be back – perhaps not. Truth is, it doesn’t matter, does it? It doesn’t matter WHO the man is who comes into my life and sticks around and offers me all those wonderful things I’ve been wanting all my life. The point is, WHEN it happens, it will be the right man, and the right time, and the right relationship. And I will *finally* (thanks to you) allow myself to be the feminine woman I’ve always wanted to be but have been afraid of being.

    I feel like crying as I write this, because it’s been a long time coming. I turn 36 this month, and I’m now just understanding.

    Here’s a crazy aside – my mother has known what you know all along. She’s been happily married to a man who ADORES her (my dad) for almost 50 years. I always thought she was selfish with my dad, and so dismissed her way of doing a relationship. Now who’s the fool?

    What you teach is 100% right, I’ve seen it work my parents’ relationship (who are still very much in love, btw). Now it’s my turn. What I was too blind or too headstrong to let my mother teach me, you’ve taught me here. From the bottom of my heart I thank you.

  90.  #90Rori Raye on February 5, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    Seina – This is totally brilliant. you’re on your way to the love you want and deserve – and now you know what it looks like. Love, Rori

  91.  #91Betty on February 6, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    Excellent advice which applies to both single men and married men who have affairs then say they “want to be friends”.

    Nice to see such an accurate reflection!

  92.  #92KERRIE on March 21, 2010 at 1:29 am

    me and my boss both in long term relationships with partners. Have been textingand flirting every day for 4 months. Theyre is a massive spark, he cant open up, but i said im hurting need to know whatu want, he said loves misses, nothing will ever happen!! I feel hurt, i love him. I told him were not to txt, i played it cool at work. But he textme sayinghe misses chatting. What does he want!, i know hes petrified of losing his child. Heshad a lot of heartache in his life, We have a fantastic connection, im so confused, i cant lose him, or hurt his feelings.

  93.  #93Rori Raye on March 21, 2010 at 10:16 am

    Kerrie – Welcome, and you won’t like my advice – so don’t read if you don’t want to hear – NOTHING is happening. He is flirting with you for 4 months. That’s it. Everything you feel is “crush” related. I’m going to write more in a new post….we can all help you here… (Also, Kerrie – I took your last name off this comment because it came to moderation – please just use your first name next time – I won’t be able to catch it…) Love, Rori

  94.  #94Mimi on April 2, 2010 at 6:24 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I have been trying to be just friends with a guy I really like & I know it’s not a good thing for me but I truly enjoy his company & feel so good around him.

    There is energy between us and a good connection & it is hard not to feel more for him. We had a brief fling (only kissing) 4 months ago but he pulled away saying he has nothing to give (too hurt from previous relationships).

    He says he is not looking for anyone & it sometimes makes him sick when thinking about relationships! ouch! I don’t want to live in lala-land hoping and I have been going on many dates lately with various men. He seems curious on the outcome, even a little jaleous. When I spend time with him, I know he likes me a lot, more than a regular friend but not ready to make a move.

    Is it ok for me to give him feeling messages through a letter? I would let him read it in front of me as I am afraid of forgetting half of what I want to say! I just want to be honest with him without being intense or needy.

    The letter would say:
    ********I was thinking about what you said the other day, about how sometimes thinking about a relationship makes you sick, that you have
    nothing to give.

    I understand you have been badly hurt in your previous relationships but you are a great guy, with lots to give. You might not realise
    it but you give all the time. You give your love and energy through your work, your friendships, your family. You probably feel empty because the women you have chosen so far just wanted to take away from you rather than receive what you had to offer.

    It makes me feel a bit sad because I can see a lot of qualities in you that I want in a man: you are caring, sensitive, intelligent, funny, spontaneous, you look after yourself, you feel strong and stable and you’re sexy as hell!!!
    But most importantly, I feel really good in your presence. I feel relaxed, happy & excited, I feel I can open up and you will listen without judging, I can be myself.

    However, I heard you when you said you wanted to be ”just friends”. There is no doubt we are friends but I also feel more. It is sometimes hard for me to ignore those feelings so I am going to keep my distances for a while in the hope they will disappear. I will be in touch again when I feel ready I can be ‘just your friend’. With much love, mimi********

    I could really use your advice to polish up my speech! Thanks so much,

  95.  #95Molly on April 9, 2010 at 11:01 am

    I just got my energy out of there. It’s scary and sad but it does feel a bit powerful, as new as it is. Long story short, I have been seeing a man for over two years in what can best be described as an imaginary relationship. He didn’t want anything serious but I didn’t listen. We kept seeing each other until about a year ago we broke up. I thought I was ok afterwards and healing and learning about myself and all of the lessons we learn through relationships- we would still see each other as friends- and then somehow we morphed back into what we were before. I backed off and then took his lead- he pursued me, contacted me and I interpreted it as he wanted to be with me. We kept this up for another year until about a month ago. He still does not know if he sees me in his future. He wants to be friends. After all of the passion and love and bonding we shared, he wants to be friends. Over the past month I tried to work through it as he was giving me mixed messages – wanting to still spend time with me and my family, saying he loves me (which he never has said on his own accord), contacting me almost daily still- but I have finally come to the realization that I cannot be friends with him. I have tried to tell him this over the past month, but his lack of real response and him continuing to contact me made me think he wanted more – silence is consensus right? But nothing has changed and through the past month of trying to be OK with it, I feel more and more angry. Every time he contacts me it’s a reminder that he wants to be friends- asking how I am, can he borrow something of mine, can I pick something up for him at a store…and his offers to help me started to seem more like attempts to ensure that I was not mad at him, that he is a kind person, and a good *friend*. I finally told him I can’t do it anymore. I told him I can’t be myself with him as a friend, it’s too painful. I told him I don’t want him to pop in and out of my life whenever it’s convenient for him and that the friendship is just leaving me cold. It does feel good to tell the truth finally. The hardest part is coming to terms with the truth, accepting MY truth after so long. I have lied to myself for over two years with this man so to see and hear the truth is scary and sad like waking up from a beautiful dream- but I know it’s going to be ok. I have faith that all is as it should be at every moment. I am grateful for this resource and Rori’s articles and the posts have inspired me tremendously. Thank you.

  96.  #96Rori Raye on April 11, 2010 at 4:58 am

    Welcome, Molly, and you have all this right – and I KNOW you will have your Happy Ever After soon – just keep focusing on your happiness step-by-step. Love, Rori

  97.  #97Mu on May 18, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I feel this article applies to me even but I need just a little help anyway! Will try to keep things brief…

    – Had a fling (just kissing, cuddling) with a guy coming out of a marriage, he said he needed time then pulled away & mentioned ”friends”.

    – He is wounded from previous relationships and is not dating anyone at the moment.

    – I feel he sends me mixed messages: tries to be friends, seems to feels more than that but does not take action

    – I have tried to be just friends for the last 6 months as I love his company and him as a person (and thinking things might change slowly!) but I feel so attracted and connected in his presence that it’s getting hard not to fall for him

    – I circular date and do not want to wait for him (but you know, when your heart is set on someone…). I try to avoid him but it’s hard as he is my flatmate’s brother & comes around sometimes.

    What is the best way to:
    – tell him how all this makes me feel without scaring him off?
    – find out if there is a chance of anything ever happening between us?

    Thank you Rori 🙂

  98.  #98Rori Raye on May 19, 2010 at 10:23 am

    Welcome, Mu – and I’m so sorry you’re in this situation – and I feel for you and understand the stress of this. I wrote a few posts about this thing you need here – the Rock Star Free Spirit attitude. I was in theater companies much of my life – and you are ALWAYS in a play with someone you were once in love with who is now dating and sleeping with another woman you’re ALSO in the play with. It never stops – it just gains speed. You suffer through this with every party, every rehearsal, everything. It’s just incestuous and torturous. You’ll have to start with just enjoying his presence if it happens you’re in the same room, and not DOING anything about it. It is what it is. If you can let go of him in your mind, and try not to be there when he shows up (or at least lock yourself away in your room – and Circular Date up a storm) – that’s the cure, and also the best way to attract him and ALL men in the process. Love, Rori

  99.  #99Mu on May 20, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    Rori, I appreciate you took the time to reply and your situation in theater companies sounds excruciating 🙁

    I just read your newsletter about telling the truth & I feel confused about what to do…

    – Shall I avoid him as much as possible (ie go to my room if he comes around as you suggest, refuse invitations from him even though I want to go, etc)?

    – Or tell him exactly how I feel?
    This would be: “I feel really happy when I am with you and I feel very attracted to you but at the same time… I feel more and more confused because I have tried to be ”just friends” with you and I now you’re not ready but the truth is, I want more than that so it makes me feel like a liar to pretend.”

    He is in the ”I feel too hurt to date, relationships are painful” zone so he’ll probably say he wants to remain friends. I would hurt to hear it again but I feel like I need to make things clear to move on!

    I am just torn between:
    1) not seeing him anymore and try to forget about him meaning I get no chance of something potentially developping (he used to rush into things & now is cautious, wanting to be friends & really knowing the person before doing anything, which is good but we could end up stuck in the friends zone)

    2) being a ‘bigger person’, stay friends, making him feel safe with me and inspiring him to step up meaning I have to be really strong not to kiss him in the middle of a conversation! (I did that once & he was pleasantly shocked but did not do anything about it)

    I want to do both at the same time and just don’t know which way to go, help!


  100.  #100Daria on May 20, 2010 at 4:01 pm

    Mu – definitely not option 2 is what I think rori said. I would avoid him and then when he was pursuing me ( as I bet he would if I leaned back this way) then I could tell h I don’t want to be friends I still feel romanti feelings. What does he think. Then I would continue to lean back

  101.  #101Mu on May 20, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    Thanks Daria,

    So you are suggesting to tell him the truth ONLY next time he contacts me to ask how I am or to invite me out? I am guessing telling him I want more than friends will make him run and of course I am scared of losing him 🙁

    Plus it’s hard to say no to an invite which usually involves other friends I like & with whom I know I will have a good time…

    What do you do in this kind of situation?

  102.  #102Kim on May 23, 2010 at 4:15 pm


    I was seeing a guy for 2 1/2 years – he was separated when I met him (for 8 months) and he is now divorced. He was also divorced once before that. He is the child of an alcoholic father and a distant mother and he suffers from his past. The only problem is, he doesn’t want to talk about his past and how it factors into his relationships now.

    When I met him it was pretty hot and heavy quickly, then he had a bout of chronic depression and couldn’t make decisions about seeing me etc. He told me that he has difficulty trusting me and feels as though he’s always on shaky ground, even though I’m always reassuring him about my feelings him.

    A few months ago, he told me that he doesn’t want or need this relationship (he told me that he really wanted a long term love relationship in his life when I met him and wondered why he hasn’t been able to sustain one until then).

    Anyway, he does have a lot of issues, but I obviously care about him and even when he told me that he always screws relationships up, I told him that I wouldn’t let him.

    Now, he is telling me that he has a fatal relationship ‘flaw’ and that there must be something really wrong with him if he doesn’t want to have a relationship with me. He seems to only want to be with someone who treats him badly and I have been very vocal about caring for him and treating him well, even is more difficult times.

    I find it difficult to be without him, but I haven’t talked to him in almost a month and I want to call him. I know he’ll ask what I want to talk about and he really hasn’t provided an answer about why he wants to break up. He says I haven’t done anything wrong, but that he doesn’t want to have a relationship. He told me before that he didn’t know how to have a relationship, but now he won’t talk about that….

    I am this deeply, can you offer any guidance?

  103.  #103Rori Raye on May 24, 2010 at 11:37 am

    kim, Welcome, and ou won’t like this – but he’s done. You’re done with him. There’s nothing there. He’s said so. He’s acted so. Stop thinking about him and Circular Date. Focus on yourself. Love YOU instead of pining for him – and let a man who can DO love show up to be with you. Love, Rori

  104.  #104Desire' on May 25, 2010 at 3:39 pm

    Hi Rori. I met this guy 2.5 yrs ago. We were just friends and would text a lot. We were never intimate as friends. I fell in love with him but he never knew it because I knew his intentions. Then last September we started to talk more and amore and by October he professed his love for me. We then became intimate and in March of this yr he dumped me. Said it was not working for him and he wanted to be “friends.” At first I said hell no. I deleted him from Facebook, email, blocked his number. Then he says how can you love someone and just cut them off. So I decided to try to friendship thing. Its been 2 months since his dumping and the friend thing isnt working for me. It feels so how like it was before. I want to know, from him, how can you say youlove some one and just not anymore. Today was my last correspondence with him. I told him I hope he has a safe flight home and to take care. That was it. And at that point Ijust decided no more. Two Years too long. I finally realized he will not love me as I love him. Its like that song, Winner at a Losing Game; trying to get him to love me is like trying catching a drop a rain.

    Thanks for listening.

  105.  #105Rori Raye on May 26, 2010 at 8:43 am

    Desire, Welcome, and I’m so sorry you have to go through this – and you’re doing brilliantly. If you Circular Date – this won’t happen again. Love, Rori

  106.  #106Desire' on May 26, 2010 at 9:54 am

    Hi Rori. Thanks. Its tough today. I keep saying to myself wow i cant believe he is not texting me. what do you expect he does not love you anymore. its so hard to accept this that all he wants is friendship after he professed his supposed love for me. But this is right, cutting him out of my life is best and besides its not like he is thinking of me as I am of him.

  107.  #107Rori Raye on May 26, 2010 at 10:17 am

    Yes, Desire. This just means it’s not a good match. There are amazing matches for you out there –go put yourself where these great men can find you…Love, Rori

  108.  #108lovely lady on July 7, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    I am on my short trip out of town. Iv got my energy out of there!
    Last summer I was a good woman and a good friend to him and since then too. Last summer he would talk on the phone in front of me to a woman in his language which i dont understand and these were up to 1hour long calls. He has me trained to be silent and not so much as cough or sneeze while he is on the phone. There were a lot of calls that season, a few in between and recently one where he was laughing alot during the conversation. I share plenty of laughs with him myself, but they seem less special since I think Im not the only one to share that. He told me that it was women from his family like his mother, sister or aunt, but I know his relationship with his mother and sister is full of conflict and the aunt I dont know about but He wouldnt be having that kind of phone call with them is the conclusion that Iv come too. At other times he has had phone calls with his mom or sister and these I can tell because they are different. If I ask him any question when the thought of another woman is in my head he gets angry and calls it a stupid question. That most recent call I behaved perfectly according to his preferences, I was silent and I closed the door and left the room and distracted my self with the headphones and a TV movie. He was affectionate with me after the call, in a good mood. If I had behaved differently he would have been angry. It still bothers me though, I wish he could just tell me who she is and what is between them. He would probably say its none of my business.

    Well I know my message meanders all over the place but If you have comments or insights on anything Iv mentioned I can use all the help I can get!
    I have strong feelings for him but Im not sure if he has future potential as the man in my life although I do want the friendship to last forever.

    My ego is hurt and angry that after I have been sexually involved and giving the best of myself in many ways that he told me in anger that Im “not the one”. My ego says: how can he not love me!

  109.  #109Rori Raye on July 9, 2010 at 8:39 am

    lovely lady, Welcome, and I’m so sorry you are in this pain – and you’re not going to like this, but it’s my take on your situation. This is a controlling, abusive man who’s a powder keg waiting to blow. Please work on the part of you that’s willing to “toe the line” for a man…it’s not the way to have a great life and relationship. Love, Rori

  110.  #110lovely lady on July 10, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Thank you for your kindness and insight.
    On not toeing the line: I remind myself that I do not have to cooperate with or obey him. He is not my boss. I can say no.
    Whats going on now: I am away from him and not so available and vulnerable. Im on my short trip out of town. Mid week we texted and planned that he would visit for the weekend I felt like he is being manly and making and effort to see me and I felt good about it. He said he would text Thursday and Friday and see me Saturday and Sunday. Its Saturday afternoon and he hasnt texted and hasnt shown up and an hour ago I cried and texted him just one word hello? and he didnt respond. So I am not going to text any more because I would only be telling him that I am sad and angry and I wish he had some really respectable exscuse but lets face it that is unlikely. So I am going to go do something to get my mind off all this.

  111.  #111lovely lady on July 12, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    He texted me back after that and said he just woke up and remembered he had to work. Without apology. He did say we could make it next weekend. Its most likely he will have more work next weekend and I dont want to cry again next weekend! I am so mad I didnt reply or answer even when he called or texted that evening. The next morning I sent an angry text and mentioning that he hadnt apologized or even texted until 2 days after he said he would. I was reading the newsletter today and it made me wish I would have exspressed my anger with more I feel statements than you did and didnt statements but too late now. I will try to do better next time. He hasnt attempted any communication since then.

  112.  #112lovely lady on July 14, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    I am intimidated by his anger and he uses that to train me to behave to his preference. He becomes hysterically angry but it is mostly verbal although the body language is scary. I trust him not to harm me physically (not counting the adrenalin and stress I feel pouring thru my body). I felt that stress even when he was angry on the phone. I wasnt sure if it was best to take the call but I decided to just listen and let him exspress himself until he was done. I feel like he tries to stop me from exspressing myself asking questions or discussing difficult feelings about the rlationship which makes me more frustrated and mad. Its also because I still want something from him such as affection and more. I shift between trust and doubt. He sometimes behaves like a cad and then acts incredulous that I am not seeing him as a gentleman. At other times I beleive he is a gentleman. Iv been obsessing and sad since last night. I hope and pray for love and respect for myself and all u women on this site. Thanks for being here. Thanks for the message of hope Rori.

  113.  #113Natasha on September 26, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    I am so glad I found this web page today. After 2 years!! of waiting for more than friends I ran and felt so much better and in no time I met a wonderful guy who yes in no time at all wanted to be friends!!! I said goodbye and feel great for it, yes I miss him but what was I getting from him. Yes I still check my phone to see if he called but I’m staying busy and every day I am stronger and more confident which I wasn’t whilst being his friend. I won’t lie there is a part of me that hopes he calls but I have also been thinking a lot of what I want and how little I settled for. THis is better and if he calls or not my life is already better

  114.  #114Jaymee on October 1, 2010 at 11:20 am

    @ Lovely Lady

    Run! This is all I can say. A douche bag like this is not even worth an ultimatum or your time. Start living like a rock star. Do you know why these men can do whatever they want to do and still have a great girl by their side? It is because they are living like a rock star and we give them that power. From today on, I’m going to live like a rock star. I’m saying bye bye to that sweet woman.

  115.  #115Rori Raye on October 1, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    Jaymee, Welcome – Rock Star! Love, Rori

  116.  #116Jess on October 9, 2010 at 12:54 am

    I don’t know how to ask this question other than here in the comments, but i read this article and wanted to know if you could help me with a similar situation.

    in may of last year i met this guy, we had known each other (although not much more than acquaintance) a few years previously but hadn’t seen or spoken after that time. we caught up, and the connection was immediate. we fell in love and dated a few months, although we broke up in april of this year, i am still not sure why…

    he has a new girlfriend now, and i am staying out of his way, i will occasionally call, or leave a message on his page, but nothing else, i havent seen him since june.

    the thing is, he says he still cares about me, still loves me. he says, even though he has a girlfriend, he doubts he will meet anyone who means more to him than i did. he acknowledges that what we had was unique and special, yet he still walked away…

    what is your advice on this? what should i do? let him go or continue to fight? and if fight, how?

  117.  #117Jess on October 9, 2010 at 12:59 am

    (extension from comment above)

    when we broke up, he said ‘ i think you need a friend more than you need a lover’ but has since said i will always be more than a friend to him. he has said recently that he is confused on how he sees me… more than a friend, less than a lover. and i am confused on how i see him, i struggle with the term ‘just friends’ when applied to him, yet lover is not applicable either. we had a very strong emotional bond and were exceptionally close

  118.  #118Rori Raye on October 9, 2010 at 10:03 am

    Jess – There’s nothing to fight for. Please make yourself AVAILABLE emotionally for the man who’s YOURS. It’s not him. Love, Rori

  119.  #119Natasha on October 9, 2010 at 11:06 am

    I mentioned a guy I waited two years for and was a friend hoping for more. He came to the city I now live 400 miles away to drop some of my things off. It is not in my nature to be unkind for me an hour would have been enough but he stayed the weekend and I am sure he thinks we will stay in touch. This amazes me I don’t want him in my life, and it angers me that he thinks all he has done is acceptable and that I am happy to his friend no friend would have done half the things he did. What shall I do? To tell him means I have to bring things up I would rather leave in the past.

  120.  #120anjie on October 22, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    I think it is great that the advice works for so many but there should be a cautionary note here that friendship can work after love – I once was dumped by a man who shut me out totally- no post mortem calls he said- nothing- no talking through- no kindness- and then another man that I was not the right person for and we have kept in touch- we hadn’t spent a lot of time together and yet we gave so much to each other during the months we were together and when he could no longer continue due to distance and finances and neither could make it happen we decided to help each other through this morass and be there in a way and had to grieve it like anything that ends-there is no hope of it being anything else and yet we both so enjoyed each other so didn’t want to lose touch completely.
    I do think if two people have had something worthwhile be it marriage or a relationship it may be worth keeping. I am good friends with my ex- but that’s been over for 8 years- we have two children together. Maybe some of you can salvage a new way of loving that person be it a friendship or letting go… good luck- enjoy your postings so much….

  121.  #121Jo on December 16, 2010 at 2:55 am

    Dear Rory and sirens,

    I’m new on this blog, I just discovered the wonders that happen here with your valuable help.
    I feel very down right now, because last night I received” we should be just friends” kind of speech because he thinks I’m too sensitive and I got involved too much. I was sharring my feelings with him and I set my boundaries only after I saw his feelings for me, he didn;t tell me more than that we share a great passion and desire and that I give him more pleasure than he could imagine( I overfunctioning I know, now) but I saw it in his eyes and heard it in his voice, he adores me I’m sure of it. But I guess he doesn’t want to feel that much, so he ask ME?? to relax more…I am very relax and surrendered to this. He is a very busy public person so I don’t know if he CAN have a real relationship, maybe this is the problem. Anyway, I agreed with him and I told him that he is right and I will step out of this.
    But I wasn’t honest with him about my feelings that moment, I just couldn’t. So I wonder now: Is good to leave it that way or I should tell him that I love him( I didn’t do that yet but I was asked him not to date another women even we date only 4 times in 4 month now( he is travelling alot) and we were intimate only twice. Please, please help me because I really love him since before we meet( we talked online for a month almost every day for hours so we connected so strong). I was ordering “Reconnect Relationship” program but I feel I should do something right now….thank so much for any word you have for me and a big hug for all of you.

  122.  #122Rori Raye on December 16, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Jo – I know this is hard – but you’re in an Imaginary Relationship that’s real only in your mind. Nothing’s going on here. Here you are only “dating” him – and you should be dating other men also – and you’ve jumped ahead in your mind to an “exclusive relationship.” Rethink this, and we’ll help you here. Love, Rori

  123.  #123Jo on December 17, 2010 at 12:06 am

    My dear Rory,
    Your advice made me see things like they really are. You are so right, I should rethink this, I mean I can’t love him, this is not love, right? He told me that I’m exaggerate a litle bit and he ask me why I did that. That was the moment when I wasn’t honest with him, I just appologize but he was not pleased with that and tell me that we should remain friends because I’m to sensitive and he doesn’t want to hurt me. It is very hard to just let go but I just start to date another men so I’m feeling better. Thank you very very much!

  124.  #124Jess on December 17, 2010 at 5:43 pm


    I need to ask your advice on a situation.

    I met this guy in May of last year. Throughout the year we got to know each other really well and became exceptionally close. We started dating in October, but broke up in December, got back together in February and broke up again in April. It wasn’t a nasty relationship, really he has a lot going on that causes him confusion. We remained close throughout and formed a really good friendship, thigns stabilised and I stopped leaning on him so heavily, I eventually managed to convince myself I was strong enough to stand on my own (due to the fact that contact had dwindled over time) anyway, he came back to me last month. I just sort of unexpectedly ran into him, and he told me he had been trying to contact me, wanted to ask if i wanted to meet up… He didn’t ask me out or anything, just a lot of really really bad stuff happened and I was the only one he could turn to. I wasn’t expecting to end up back together… it just sort of happened. I obviously care strongly for him, I am a large part of the reason he is still alive, I love him… but not the same way i used to. How can i get that ‘spark’ back? it wasn’t that i moved on or got over him, i thought about him every day until i saw him again, it just a fire peters out without the fuel to sustain it, but the embers remain…

    how can i get im to contact me more? to initiate a meeting?

    i feeli a little hollow, like something large is missing…

    can you help?

  125.  #125Little miss sunshine on January 24, 2011 at 3:55 pm


    I need to ask your advice on a situation.

    I met this guy last year. Throughout the year we got to know each other really well and became exceptionally close. We started dating in October, but broke up in December, got back together in February and broke up again in April. It wasn’t a nasty relationship, really he has a lot going on that causes him confusion. We remained close throughout and formed a really good friendship, thigns stabilised and I stopped leaning on him so heavily, I eventually managed to convince myself I was strong enough to stand on my own (due to the fact that contact had dwindled over time) anyway, he came back to me last month. I just sort of unexpectedly ran into him, and he told me he had been trying to contact me, wanted to ask if i wanted to meet up… He didn’t ask me out or anything, just a lot of really really bad stuff happened and I was the only one he could turn to. I wasn’t expecting to end up back together… it just sort of happened. I obviously care strongly for him, I am a large part of the reason he is still alive, I love him… but not the same way i used to. How can i get that ‘spark’ back? it wasn’t that i moved on or got over him, i thought about him every day until i saw him again, it just a fire peters out without the fuel to sustain it, but the embers remain…

    how can i get im to contact me more? to initiate a meeting?

    i feeli a little hollow, like something large is missing…

    can you help?

  126.  #126cynthia on January 25, 2011 at 2:34 am

    hi rori?right now am going through a difficult situation.my boyfriend feels we should take a break and that we cannot nurture the relationship.i still love him and would wish to get back to him how do i do this.

  127.  #127Rori Raye on January 25, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    cynthia – Circular Date right now, this minute, and pull your vibe together. If you’re wishing h e’d come back – you’re pushing him away. Turn around and start dating. That’s the most appealing atttractive thing you can do – oh, and yes – of course you still love him, and when he shows up – love him! And STILL date other men! Love, Rori

  128.  #128Ladyinwaiting on January 27, 2011 at 8:49 am

    Baby Steps
    My life has changed profoundly in the last few weeks. Met a guy, definitely stated boundaries the first week. Yes I know about CD. Been there done that. Wanted to date just one to let feelings be where they needed to be. Did not mean that guy was the one. Just meant I could focus. Guy said the same thing. Bumps and growing a few weeks later he pulls the friends conversation. Honestly, never have been in that situation. Hard part-he is right. I love talking to him. Have not met someone with those insights of himself and knowledge of me in my entire life. Yep, my feelings were at the point of oooh what’s next? Best Blessing? Recognizing full on I was not happy with him going from “Yes” I only want to date one person to were not exclusive etc. etc. etc. Found this site. Got my siren back. Got my life back. Just got done with the no I don’t want friends talk. Yes, he tried to convince me that we should not throw the friends thing away. Man, that was hard. Yes, already started talking to other guys, No, they actually don’t appeal to me. I know I did what was right for me. I know I can feel hurt, sad, disappointed, everything at the same time. AND still be ok to respond NOT react. Found the post about “The Amazing Man Who Cannot Love you Right” . Actually applied in my case. This guy is so well-traveled in the relationship skills dept- I was intimidated and blown away. Or so I thought. In fact he just tried to tell me that he could help me get ready for the next guy I would meet. Damn, me and the man upstairs know what I’m ready for and what I need to learn. Pretty sure I can handle it. I deserve to be loved and known and appreciated JUST FOR ME and all my weaknesses and strengths. Found the poem on post #62 on that topic. “Imagine a woman…”
    THAT is who I want to be. If this guy couldn’t see that, better get some new glasses. I wrote a small script to help me today. Did ok. Yep, talked too long. Yep felt myself at too many points trying to overfunction and reason and explain when he got to repeatedly asking are we friends or not. Yep, stuck to my original statement. I do not want to be friends. I am looking for a relationship and all the exploration that comes with it. Yes, worked hard to really hear what he was saying about himself-not judge-give him room to express who he is and where he is at with dating and not hold him accountable to make me happy by changing who he is. That’s actually new skills for me. This is the best I have felt in an entire month. I thought I was sliding down a slippery slope-found out I gotta sled and can steer it where I want!!! No, do not expect to hear from him again. Still it was a peaceful enlightening talk-no drama. That’s cool. I’m cool. Must be one step closer to the relationship I need. Thank you a million times over for this website Rori. I just finished a marathon and I am ready for the next!!!

  129.  #129Taffeta on February 9, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I have just orderd your 6 CD’s Have The Relationship You Want, as I always have trouble with guys. It never seems to get past a first date. In December there a young man contacted me on facebook, we started chatting and eventually he asked if I would like to go for a drink socially in January, I said yes. Into the second week of January he still hadn’t asked me out. (I should maybe say this young man is 21 and I am 40, though I look about 30) we chatted a little though and he said he liked talking to me i had depth. I was getting a little worried he was never going to ask me out when he put up a post on facebook saying would anyone like to go to the astronomical society with him, I thought he might be hinting toward me as we had been talking about this kind of thing but i would never have replied, but my friend grabbed my computer and replied for me that it sounded interesting when was it? So we made arrangements to go for a drink first and then go to the astronimical society. Unfortunately I had double booked myself and coudlnt go. I hoped he would say lets’ go for a drink another night but he didn’t and I felt I had to do it though hated to. So we arranged to meet for a drink and met up and it went really well couldnt have gone better. he was really nice, we talked together well, no awkward silences, he said he liked me and did I want to do this again, I said yes, the only thing was he asked what I wanted and I said to have a few dates and see from there, he said he didn’t know what he wanted or was looking for. So he got me a taxie kissed my cheeck and saidd he had a really nice time. Next day he sent a message on facebook saying he had a really nice time, it was great to meet me and how lovely I looked. A week and a half past and he still hadn’t made any arrangements to see me, but was leaving posts on my facebook wall and having the odd chat, not to much because i get nervous. so finally he made an arrangement said he wanted to spend the day with me, I felt nervous about this and suggested we meet a little later in the day. When the day of the date came he cried off sick and we didn’t speak again untill 2 days later where i felt he was ignoring me on chat leaving me mid conversation for 12 to 20 mins at a time. Finally I said I would like to see him again but that I didnt know what he wanted, I feel I shouldn’t have said this I don’t like to chase a guy,he asked if our first meeting was a date, said he didn’t think I would take him seriously because of his age, then said he wasn’t sure and would need time and would be indecisive which would he said be irritating for me so beat to be friends. I asked why did he want to be friends and he replied that he was unreliable and unpredictable and that he liked to go away drinking with his friends for 2 days, didn’t have a phone because he liked to be out of contact, and it was the compulsion to be free of it all that drove him to escape. So now we are just friends.

    I can’t understand why he needs time and feels indecisive, I am an attractive woman with a good personality and I know he really enjoyed our first date, so’i’m having difficulty understanding. I thought people just went on dates with each other and got to know one and other and thats how they decided, but I feel something has put him off and I don’t know what. Is he just immature and not ready for a relationship? Is it because I am 40 and this may reek of commitment to him? Did I lean forward too much I don’t think I did anything, I left a few comments on his facebook occassionally and always let him come on to chat to me, maybe i did this too much? But something changedbetween him arranging the second date and the next week. I don’t tknow if he was always hanging back unsure from the beginning. I see our first date was really arranged by me, maybe that was too forward, I really don’t know why he now just wants to be friends if he’s got scared or what.

    how do I handle this now? Do you feel there is no chance of any romance in the future? Though I know I shouldn’t really be wanting a relationship with someone who says he’s unreliable, but I feel a loss of power here and I would like it back. Do I go out with him to the next astronomical society meeting if he asks? or do I just ignore him now?

    Now after reading here I feel he may not be ‘scared’ or anything like that about relationships and I feel I merely was not a ‘chase’ to him because I may have let him get too familiar with me on facebook. how to not do this though when he knows you are on line and keeps leaving comments wanting a response and coming on to chat?

    Also after he first told me just to be friends I was so upset i sent a message saying I can’t be friends. Bye. The next day I felt Immature and embarassed and like I had told him too much about how I felt about him so I sent another message saying I was sorry about my last message I was over reacting and would like to be friends if he would. He replied that sure we can still be friends. We have not spoken now in a week. I feel afraid he will never speak to me.

    I feel really hurt because i really liked him and thought he felt the same. Is there ever anyway back to romance when a guy says to just be friends? I know he liked me at first. I know now I am hoping if I stay back from him and be offline on facebook that he will miss me and change his mind.

    I would be really grateful for any feedfeed you could provide and I look forward to your CD’s arriving.

  130.  #130Melissa on March 5, 2011 at 3:34 am

    The only way I could post this is through a comment so I am sorry.
    Rori.. Here is my problem. I was dating a guy for a year during that time he always made time for me, always called me, always wanted to be with me, we had great communication, were friends, laughed and joked with each other all the time. He always talked about wanting to get married and having a future together. He started a class he needs for his paramedic liceanse and things started to change. He stopped calling, stopped wanting to spend time together or as much. He would tell me he is busy but would be on facebook all the time and talking with an ex that lives out of state. A week in a half before he broke up with me he stated that he wanted to move forward in our relationship and he wanted to provide for me physically, sexually, and emotionally… then i didnt hear from him in 2 days. I lost control of my emotions and we got into a big fight… at the end of the fight he said that he loved me and i said that i loved him to. The 2 days after that i heard from him then i called him on the 2nd night got no answer called him the next night got no answer. I went to his house the next day which was a friday and we got into another fight which he said that he had to let me go bc “the feeling” and the passion wasnt there anymore and that a friends advice to him was that sometimes you have to let something you love go… and that he has to be right in his life before anything else. It has been almost 4 months since he broke up with me and I have not heard from him at all. I have only contacted him 3 times in the almost 4 months 2 text messages and one phone call which he answered and we talked for an hour and he again said that nothing has changed and that he needed to be right in his life before anything else. Now I find out that he has been talking to this girl his friend is trying to hook him up with for about a month now. I have taken steps to find myself again… i have gone out with friends, i have not been on any dates bc my heart just isnt in it. I want our relationship back and im at a lose as to what happened and why all of a sudden he just broke up with me??? What should I do?

  131.  #131Confused on March 6, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    I rescue small dogs and this guy adopted a dog from my rescue only to meet me. I now took the dog back as he was not serious about it and I do not believe in adopting a dog to someone who wants to meet me, he is though fostering for me now. He started volunteering for my rescue and kept being nicer, Start giving money , at least $700. 00 to help the rescue. Then he start hugging me and kissed me. All of the sudden He said that I had too many dogs and this was not the life for him and that his mum would not have liked my home full of dogs ( EH?). We never did anything as I am old fashion and he said once I am selfish and do not do nothing for him. He said he wanted to be just friends, to which I agreed but he keeps bringing me food from him mum and bring me present and helps me out. He hugged me today and kissed me and said he missed me, but then he made sure I knew we are just friends and left right away. Why would he do that? I think what I need it is just a paternal figure, not a boyfriend and I like to think he was like the dad I never had. I though do nto understand what he is going through. Is he completely insane? Why does he wants to see me, getting mad at me because i do nto want to see him, coming to my house uninvited and then when he gets all excited he lives and make sure i know we are just friends. what is his problem? He seems a nutcase to me. What do you think? Why doesn’t he leave me alone? Control? Power? Torture? he does nto want me to get my profile online and gets jelous too. Why? BTW he is 15 years older.

  132.  #132Lilly on March 9, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    I am new to your blog and it has helped me a lot to read that others are going through similar situations as I am.
    I have or was dating a guy for 9 months. Our relationship was wonderful then 6 months in I started to get insecure and started pushing for answers about the future. He broke up with me suddenly and I was completely destroyed. A few weeks later we got back together and things went along great again for the next 2 months; however I was Overfunctioning and eventually drove him away again. He broke it off 3 weeks ago and said that it felt like he was losing his best friend and that maybe we should have just been best friends and not lovers. I am trying to stay his friend but as we all know this does not work. I feel deep down that the relationship is not over. I sent him a letter stating that I needed no contact so I could heal. Unfortunately I have not been able to stick to my own request.
    He says he needs time to find himself, and I know I need to find myself.
    I am struggling with finding myself. I can go for several days but then the thoughts of contacting him and wanting to spend time with him consume me and I feel like I have to contact him. I have so far this week been good and fought the urge. I feel if I just let go then I will either move on or he will realize he wants to be with me; but deep down I’m hoping he realizes his mistake.
    How can I let go? I try to focus on myself and I do many things for myself, but at the end of the day my thoughts always circle back to him. Do you have any advice on how I can let go? Is hoping he will come back a lost cause?

  133.  #133Leida on March 12, 2011 at 9:02 am

    I feel sad right now. I miss him very much and my heart is in pain.

    I started dating this guy two months ago, after leaving behind two toxic men and working a lot on myself, doing the Siren Program, Toxic Men…I do feel like a new woman. I feel empowered doing things that I was too scared to do before.

    Whn I met this guy I was circular dating. All the other guys faded away…and hings were going great.
    We have been intimate together and we have so much funwhen we are together. We have agreed on being physically exclusive and that’s it. I wok on myself constantly as I do find myself wantung to throw him in a cage…

    We went out last Friday, had a wonderful time…he was getting emotinal and metioned something like “I am worried about you, as I would never want to hurt you…”

    By Monday, he is telling me that our romance is over, hoping we coukd still be friends. I am 6 years older than him and have a kid, and he mentioned that this was an issue. I said that he should not have gone out with me to begin with, if these were issues for him. I don’t have a shortage of friends, so friendship is not going to happen andI felt the has a committment phobia.

    I haven’t spoken to him since. He has sent me several text messages, telling me that he was having feelings for me and he got scared, he had relationhips with women ih children before and there were always problems, how he wishes me only the bet as I deserve it.

    I feel sad. I deeoly care about him, I rwalize it now. I don’t know how long can I keep reading his messages and nit say anythng? When should I, or should I at all…

  134.  #134rardoj on March 12, 2011 at 11:53 am

    I am new to this site and am in desperate need of help! I have been dating a man for 7 months now. At first everything was wonderful, and I fell for him. He was getting shipped over seas and I of course told him I would wait for him. There was alot of turmoil and grief, and alot of drama on my part because of my insecurities that I had let him into my life, he had met my children (his choice, he brought it up). Yet, he still couldn’t even call me his girlfriend or even introduce me to his family or friends. He has alot of emotional baggage including one wife cheating on him while he was over seas, and another who did the same thing and 3 weeks after the divorce was final died in a helicopter crash in Afghanistan. When we first met which was almost two years ago, he was just coming out of a complete shut down, where he kept himself away from everyone and went through major counseling. We became friends, and after me blowing him off for a lengthy period of time, we started dating. We have been through so much turmoil. One minute he loves me and the next he considers me a good “friend” but when we decide to be friends and step back a few notches it starts all over again! He is so fickle when it comes to our relationship, he does not want tlose me but it seems he is keeping his options open for someone else. Finally, I told him that I was going to start dating other people because it is not good for my self esteem for him to keep his options open, and for me to feel like second best. He said ok. Of course, I was hoping for a different response! I don’t know what to do. Do I let him go knowing that we have something (had) something so wonderful, and just hope that he comes to his senses? Or do I just cut my losses and run! He says he feels pressured by me, and that is the last thing I want to do. But, at this point my esteem is so low that everything in my life seems to be falling apart! Please Help! I don’t know what to say to him…because I will keep hoping!

  135.  #135alexandria on March 25, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    WWWOOOOWWW!!!!!!!!!! rori i lov u sssssoooo much your advice has helped me to being a shy girl in the corner to becoming a wild and free, wild woman that all the guys want and i know an author that is writing a series and her first book has not even came out yet and she would love to give you a copy as soon as its published!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  136.  #136Melissa on March 30, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    I am LOVING your words of wisdom, and truly, your advice could not come at a better time!! I have spent the last several years NOT dating, but getting to a place emotionally where I felt like I even WANTED to date. When I finally decided I was ready, lo and behold the PERFECT guy just walked into my life. Of course, this was BEFORE I’d seen your information, so I did all the WRONG things and of course, he then decided we should remain “friends”. HEARTBROKEN! But then I saw you and started reading, and can now say that this is the very best thing that could have happened. I now have the resources and confidence to not only NOT be his “friend” but have re-opened myself back up to the experience of meeting and dating other men. Before, I probably would have licked my wounds for another year, or so. So, THANK YOU!!! 🙂

  137.  #137Rubab Hossain on May 27, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    i recently had a fight with my boy friend. i feel he doesn’t respect me enough and do not treat me they way i want to be treated. he is almost always in a bad mood he is not cheating on me i know and he is a good man but he is not emotionally stable our relationship is not consistent we end up in a fight every now and then because of which we both suffer in the other matters of our life. we once used to be very great friends and then turned to lovers but it didn’t quiet work like we planned we are almost breaking up after five years. i still care for him and he still loves me but we cant get along very smoothly. i don’t have a clue what to do. or what the reason for this breakup is. help!

  138.  #138Ali on May 28, 2011 at 5:59 am

    Thank you Rori….it was as if you were speaking to me.
    I am in the situation where he’s going for friendship now because he simply can’t conceive of anything deeper right now with ANY WOMAN – and I do feel feel totally tempted to wait him out, but your message of – “you are doing yourself a deep disservice” has resonated with me.
    He wants to see me tonight, in a public place with friends because the chemisty is so intense between us that we can’t trust ourselves to not be initimate if we were together privately.
    I was deciding whether or not to text him tonight, telling him where I’ll be so we can meet up. After reading this blog, I have decided not to contact him, eventhough it kills me to do so.
    Thank you.

  139.  #139Bobbie on June 2, 2011 at 7:56 am

    i’m in a loveless marriage and started talking to a old friend. We became lovers and now out of the blue he pushed me back to friend. I know I need to stop talking to him but it’s so difficult when I need someone to talk to that understands my situation. I’m trying to stay busy and work on my career. But I keep thinking about him. Just not sure what to do with my feelings. I would leave my husband for him. I’m stuck here in limbo with both men. I feel like no one loves me for me. It’s so lonely.

  140.  #140Tawny on June 6, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    Tell me if I did the right things. I have a male friend that I have been going out with maybe once every 2 months for the last three and a half years. We usually go to dinner and that’s all. At first he said we would do more and that he wasn’t dating anyone else. He would blow hot and cold. I fixed dinner for him one night, we shared a bottle of wine and then he went home. He broke up with a girl before I started dating him because she wanted to get married and he didn’t. He said she moved away. When he started to become distant I asked if he was dating someone and he admitted she moved back. He says he’s with her only because he’s comfortable there and that she is not his girlfriend. I dealt with that for too long. I finally sent him an e-mail because I couldn’t say it to his face. I told him I don’t belong here. I have too many feeling for him for too long. I am unable to give anyone a chance because of what I feel for him. I asked him not to respond, because I need to start getting over this and this is the only way I know how. That was on Friday night. This is Monday and I haven;t heard from him. He must have respected my request to not respond. Why would a guy string me along for all this time? He wanted me there as a friend, but said he had too much respect for me to have taken our friendship to any other level.

  141.  #141feethevillain on June 23, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    I just went thru this this weekend..so His name is Heat and we have been on and off since I was 18 (im now 37) there have been oh so many girls…well in 08 we got back together..he was in a relationship and I took him from her (we do that alot) then we together..made it official in 09 he started being really mean abusive…I dumped him but didnt let him come back on his own I chased him (im really pretty so I think that has messed up my thoughts on rejection I dont think I have ever been rejected…I even dumped him thats what started the whole fighting so he says). He act like he hated me and he never says im sorry.. and was in a relationship with the new girl. in aug 2010 he started coming back,..still in relationship with new girl… I wanted to get married and he managed me down we went back and forth.. the worst I felt the worst he acted (he even texted my bestfriend talking bout he had a dream about her. he will use nething to get my attention). but I woodnt budge about the gf and he dumped her to come back to me, he kept saying he never wanted to break up in the first place. he managed me down so much that now he wants to be just friends. and I can still do my all but now we cant even touch..he is really selfish and a bully I ended up suing him and PAIN PAIN PAIN. I keep telling him I dont wanna be friends and he keep chasing me trying to make me his friend..well this weekend (fathers day) we had a really good time and it was light and easy..but he was up to something and I knew it..but b4 I knew that I was trying to get sum he went into how he doesnt want to he was ball up trying to fight me he said thats his only protection and we need to do things diff I wanted to got church 2x a month but he said no thats not going to work….he said that he cant say nething if I mess with sum1 else so I asked him if he cared and he said what do u mean care….so I left I think he had some girls coming over (all this happened on fathers day)I cooked we chilled then the switch.
    so the next morning I texted him that I loved him and that sum1 wants to start a new relationship with me (not true) but I wait for him and im not waiting ne more and that I choose love over rejection pain and fear. I also told him that I didnt want to try nemore and that I wish him the best and dont contact me again. Cause he has his stalking moments. I told him about the new “guy” so he woodnt call nemore. never done that b4 put another man in his face. but its always and excuse to y he cant marry me or be with me. he got me cooking and cleaning for him and his son in a t-shirt (cause my dress was really nice and I didt wanna mess it up I kept saying Heat give me sum shorts or something the tshirt was longer than my dress but it just didnt feel rite I think he did that to hook me)
    but now I cant stop crying, and its hurts and im sad and I dont know what to do I have been tapping and all kinda stuff (thanks Rori for the tapping).
    I spent 50 bucks on some eyelashes to make myself feel better but u cant get them wet for 10 hours and Im mad cause now they are lose and my eyes are so red and swollen…ache…its like I cant shake him and I can feel him all over me…..ache
    he dont respect me he dont love me and he dont care. I have wasted so much time and im really mad at myself for it…I woodnt allow myself to feel the things he was doing to me until now. I want me back that all…and I know he still going to come back as soon as I get back to my home town. it hurts its sad and I look like a big ass fool…ache

  142.  #142feethevillain on June 23, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    oh and he also said that he has to worry about other men and other women like I have some kinda stain on me…(I have messed around with women too). He says I snore (I dont snore unless im really tired or drunk)…..He is insecure and I pick up that energy and then im acting all crazy and Im tired….ache
    I feel like its all my fault cause I had boy energy…or something ache

  143.  #143feethevillain on June 23, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    or I didnt have bounderies

  144.  #144TRAPPED on June 23, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    I read your comment rori, and although all you said seems very rational and definitely the right thing to do, i am not sure if i should do it. i lost him once, i do not want to loose him again EVER. what if he simply walks away never to come back?? its me who is after him, since i was 3 years old to now when i am 22. he doesn’t care whether i live or die. i dont want to loose him.

  145.  #145Elaine on June 29, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    Dear Rori and Bobbie,
    Rori, can you help us? I read through so many…..so much useful yet painful info…then read Bobbie’s. I am in the same exact situation. In a loveless marriage, with children. Unbearably lonely. Reconnected with someone I have probably loved all my life, after many years. Was in heaven, all so special, such a miracle..then boom..”let’s be friends.” The pain is unbearable….and I feel that after a lifetime of dating and knowing men, and feeling like this one WAS the one, as I have been “out there” plenty. I have never had trouble “getting” men….my trouble has been in wanting them. This was the one I wanted. My whole adult life. How can one recover from that, if one cannot circular date, and is still trapped in a marriage which only makes it feel even more painful? I know divorce and working on oneself is the answer. I have good friends, am in counseling, and am insightful about life. There are financial fears about divorce, and then the children…I would have never done this for ANYONE else! I really cannot believe there can be anyone else I would / could ever feel this way about. After so many years, how can I let go? I have so much trouble feeling any optimism about my future….aside from raising my children and my love for them…but what about intimacy for me? How can I circular date with this emotional pain, years of desire to rid myself of, and the need to care for my children? I feel so lost.

  146.  #146Elaine on June 29, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    I wanted to add…this man has been divorced and has young adult children. For a year now he has “supported” me in working through my fears of divorce, how it will be “ok,” and my children will be “ok,’ perhaps even better. He has repeatedly made statements implying that a future together seemed like the natural course of things. He had brought me into his family circle. And now, when I am ready to go…my marriage about to be dissolved….like so many others…out of the blue….”why can’t we be friends?” “We are not the same….you seem to have thought there is something special between us but there is not…” The statements he has made previously, including those of his friends…were that we were “soulmates.” Suddenly…friends. As said…the pain is unbearable, and I don’t know how to deal with it! I can’t stop hoping he will text, call, “fix it.”

  147.  #147feethevillain on July 1, 2011 at 11:18 am

    trapped what are u afraid to lose if he doesnt care about u?
    Care about ur self enough to find someone that does care….im not trying to judge cause I was in a painful situation as well
    but Baby u so young and u have so much life to live there are other partners for u….he is just the tip of the iceburge…..life is too short not to be happy too short
    I break up with unpleasant things

  148.  #148Charm on July 24, 2011 at 6:50 am


    Your site is the best in the web!

  149.  #149shant on August 8, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    1) LOVE SPELL.
    9) E.T.C

  150.  #150P. Tomassetti on August 16, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    Dear Rori,
    I have been reading your newsletters for some time now. I am recently divorced from a high functioning man that drank heavily, had significant anger issues, and told me the first years into our marriage that he could not be with me, but he couldn’t tell me why.

    The divorce was recent, and although it was not easy, I do feel a sence of relief. I am not afraid, and I am spending time reconnecting with my family, my mom and dad, especially…being home. It has been a big year for all for our family with my divorce, a cancer diagnosis and treatment for a loved sister-in-law, and serious illness of my father. Everyone so far has come through….and we have all become closer. I started dating about 2 months ago…and met someone that I really connected to…someone that made me feel like a young girl again…18 w/o all the baggage of adulthood. We both were really drawn in to each other. He is divoced too…5 years…first itme dating…he has been running his farm and raising his 3 three children. After a car accident this past April with two of the kids, he said he had an epiphany of sorts. He couldn’t get to the scene right away and when he did, he saw his three kids all embracing each other, 14, 17, &19. He knew then that they would be all right and that he could now take some time for himself. Little by little he created more time, by selling cows, and the like…and at the request of his youngest “Daddy, you need a girlfriend.” went online.
    Well…after about a month, he found me…and we hit it off…long phone calls, texts, all kinds of talks, and in about a month, we finally we intimate, and it was wonderful…then I went away for a week to see my folks, and he was involved in the local and state fairs..a lot of time…and I do get that…but communication has slowed down to almost nothing…I’ve texted a few times, he has called once or twice…but whatever it was it seems to have evaporated. If anything he has flirt texted a few times, but no more deep attention. I know he was crazy about me. And I was all about him and I would love to continue to see him…so I have just stopped all together. Waiting…and talking, meeting, and dating other guys. I sent a text last Friday because I knew he had a dr appt. that he wasn;t looking forward to. It was simple and sute and to the point…the next day he sent a short sexual response, but nothing else…and honestly, after waiting so long, I wanted more. I havn’t responded and don’t know if I should. Your thoughts?

  151.  #151Vane R on August 19, 2011 at 2:37 am

    Dear Rori,
    I was in my first ever relationship for only 1.5months. I ended it which I really regret it at the moment and the fact that it was my fault not his. I had known this guy for 2months before we started to get into serious relationship so I’ve known him for around 3.5 months now.

    I have to be honest with you during our beautiful 1.5month relationship, we had so much fun, we were so clicked and both of us were very mature for our age (I’m 19 and he’s 22), we mostly had the same ideas and interests like deciding not to have sex because we believe it’s just for married couples and the fact that we are both devoted Christians and we believe this is the right thing to do. Until couple of weeks ago we had problem and I was very emotional and said we’re done and I did not want to go out with him again (I really feel like hitting myself to the wall now). I seriously didn’t mean to say that but I was so frustrated until the words just spilled out

    Now I completely realized that I lost him, I lost the man that I really love, He was so gentle and even though we argued couple of weeks ago he still showed his maturity and intelligence in handling disputes. Whenever I was going out with him I felt safe, I could see that he’d be a great father and husband and a great leader in the family

    I messaged him yesterday saying “are we still together?”. I thought when I said we’re done he didn’t take it seriously. He has stopped contacting me ever since I said that, he usually liked my facebook status but he stops doing it now (but somehow I know he’s still checking my wall). He then replied “No, you ended it. But I still want to be friends so long as you want it”. I then asked him if he wants to start all over again but he hasn’t replied yet and I don’t know if he’s gonna reply it any time soon(my feeling says he’s gonna reply it but if he says no that will kick me right in the face and I’m horrified that will be the answer). I know he’s so in love with me as much as I am in him. Do you think he wants to start all over again from his message?

    What should I do Rori? I can’t call him or text him because I don’t want to bother him and I want to give him some time to think

    Please help me Rori I’m so desperate at the moment
    With Love

    Vane R

  152.  #152anna on August 23, 2011 at 11:35 am

    Dear Rori,
    I am in love with a man who has terminal cancer but is presently in remission. I was in an unhappy marriage when this very unexpected and unlooked for occurrence happened. He was just coming out of a relationship, was all alone and everything was going downhill in his life. This was three years ago. I tried to be there for him as a friend and as I was married and he terminally ill, he wanted to do the right thing. I too had a past cancer survivorship, one past abusive marriage and was in one with a man who becomes paralyzed when not knowing how to handle something and is addicted to a computer game and ignoring me emotionally for many years. My husband was blind to my emotional affair with this man. My friend had terrible experiences with women, one who committed suicide, one taking everything in a vicious hateful divorce and the last he was deeply in love with and just walked out of his life when he mentioned the possibility of marriage. Unfortunately, I made so many regretful mistakes in our growing relationship and this man only wants me for a friend. At first I totally over functioned, constantly adored him in words and inability to think in his presence and did things for him that no one has done since his mother. Then he began doing sweet things for me. Even when he didn’t have a job, was worried about paying for medical care, he bought me a very nice expensive recovering from surgery gift, but this still seemed to be more than a “friend” gesture. I told him I became confused by the gift as it seemed more than friendship and he quietly told me “it’s what friends do” and that I always made too much of things.The gifts he gives, the winks, the eye contact, the smiles, the sexual innuendos, hints at jealousy, racing heart beat tell me there is more.. He seems uncomfortable with women who blatently offer him sex. I have not. We have never even kissed. He is very picky with women as everything in his life. Previously, I spoke of love and wanting more. As we thought his time was short, I guess I was acting desparate. He can’t give more and says he is unavailable. He constantly brings up his untaken opportunities to date other women and his overt attention to a much younger woman in the office. He tells me he likes high maintenance complicated women because they are interesting and challenging. I am complicated but not high maintenance. But he says they come with a price. When he told me that he only wanted to be friends and his frustration that I wouldn’t accept it, I told him he has some responsibility in my feelings as his behavior wasn’t totally platonic. I think he made a decision about me and became ill and wouldn’t let me call or see him for a month, then was cold, and uncharacteristically treated me like one of the boys for awhile. While he distanced himself from me, he tried to see a couple of other women for a short time and would let me know he was pampering himself with soothing things. He made a point of not wishing me or giving me birthday greetings or gifts. Became angry a week later when he gifted me his nice little camera and tickets to a music venue and I said I would accept that as my Birthday gift. On New Years eve, he ignored me, acted withdrawn and when I hugged him good night, I began to sob uncontrollably. He just turned me toward the door and put me out. On Valentines Day he told me “It just isn’t there”. When he saw that I was no longer married, he began calling and we are seeing each other again. We see each other at least once a week but I am never invited to go with him to dinner with his married couple friends. When I was laid off, he was very sweet and protective and called or saw me every day. We are somewhat uncomfortable now and cannot talk about our feelings. He will not allow it. At first he found excuses for short 20 minute visits, then took me to cheap restaurants for lunch. When I said I would move on soon as I am not getting what I need from the relationship, he stepped it up a bit. He has always said we go on “outings” and was unhappy when the neighbors rumored him to be “dating” again. Now he doesn’t treat me as special as before, but still tries to please me, opens car doors, brings me chocolates from Paris, (sends pictures of where he stays on business, takes me to dinner, the zoo. He always wants to pay ( when married, I tried to pay some of the times but he was uncomfortable with it) and is now taking me again to the nicer restaurants but not to the upscale ones as before. He refuses to touch me or sit close to me other than an occasional hug because he says he doesn’t want recriminations. I apologized and said I wouldn’t do that again and asked if we could get past it. He said yes but that it would take time. I am hurting and feel sad and regretful. I have listened to your Have the Relationship You Want and Reconnecting and must admit, I think by trying even some to the tools, I regained his enjoyment of being with me and the subsequent outings even if no longer with affection or deep caring as he once stated. I would spend whatever time this man has and would be willing to care for him. He has so many of the qualities I have always wanted in a man. I cannot accept waiting much longer or not being able to discuss relationship feelings. I feel we can’t grow without personal talk. It is too sad, I am filled with too much regret and it hurts so darn bad that he has closed his heart off when I had worked so hard to slowly open it in the beginning.
    I promised him I would never leave unless he wanted me to or unless he became involved with another woman. And he said early on that he wasn’t going anywhere. But this is as a friend. As he is ill, I feel committed to keep that promise.
    Help. I am so confused.

  153.  #153Feethevillain on August 23, 2011 at 11:50 am

    Anna f*ck him…im sorry he is sick….but y r u giving up ur happiness 4 him..he not giving it for u. He is,going 2 keep u for a ego strok an a emotional airbag. Date others smile often. Be responsible for ur own happiness cause he is on bs sick or not Live ur life. I hear ur pain. Put u first…

  154.  #154Tania on September 8, 2011 at 2:22 am

    Dear Rori, and everyone, i have been reading your posts and just discovered Rori’s website. I’m very very hurt right now, pretty desperate, can’t start crying etc, after the 3rd break up with someone in just 8 months!

    reading through Rori’s ebook which I just purchased, i realised how i was doing all the wrong things and pushed him away. This is the first time I’ve met someone in a long time i’ve have fallen for – I’m 40 years old and suffered with depression on/off for the last 10 years (i never really told him about that – just mentioned that i had had a depression before) I’ve always been scared of getting hurt etc .

    I feel quite desperate really without him around – get this desperate anxious feeling, and then have lots of negative feelings – like it’s too late for me (cos of my age), like i can’t go on being alone again – i hate being alone (i was alone for a long time – years before i met him) – i don’t think i can do it anymore.

    He finished it by saying he lost his affection for him (and i don’t blame him) – he is 35 btw. and always said he struggled with relationships too – his last one was 6 years ago. we kept bickering and arguing over silly things really and he said i couldn’t let things go. I was so desperate to make the relationship ‘right’ that i just didn’t let it be or happen on its own – i demanded and critisiced. he didn’t want to be the one to finish it – so just kept pushing me away by not be particularly nice, affectionate etc.

    the first time he finished it, he said i was pushing him away, as i was just so scared of being in a relationship, and i did push him away. i couldn’t even be honest with him about my age – as i felt so desperate about turning 40. the second time we bickered and argued, again over silly things – he then puts his ‘walls’ up as he described it, and loses his affection for me and than we break up.

    we did talk about having children due to my age – he doesn’t want to have children. he mentioned he would think about adopted, as he was adopted. i said i didn’t know whether i wanted to have children, due to my age, but that i would have ideally liked the opportunity to have them if i was with someone i wanted to have them with and who wanted them. i’m finally accepting that i won’t have children now, which again feels sad.

    This last time, i said i didn’t want to finish it and we could try and work through it, but we just kept bickering again and he said it was over. he said he can’t do the arguments anymore. he said he wants to be friends. I met him through work and have worked with him through all this, which has been difficult, but i have just got a new job, so we won’t be working together anymore. On my last day at work, i went to say goodbye and asked if he wanted to meeting for coffee – he said – to what end? and i said i don’t know, i just want to talk. i don’t know what i’m going to say, i just don’t want it to end (even tho it has officially ended – i hasn’t ended for me).

    i want to be honest and say that i tried to make the relationship work for me, or for what i thought a relationship ‘should’ be (which i think led to lots of arguments) – that i forget to think about him and let things just be. I don’t really know what to say, or whether i should not meet him at all. I know that being friends with him now would kill me, as i don’t see him as just a friend. i don’t want/can’t to let go though. i want to talk to him about trying again, but i think it would be a waste of time, considering what we’ve been through. i thought that maybe if i said lets see how we feel in a few months time, if we don’t see each other during that time.

    i just want him back, without feeling like i’m trying to control the relationship, being demanding etc, but i can’t do that if he isn’t here, and willing to work with me on it.

    I’m sorry for going on, i don’t know if i made any sense. any advice from Rori, or anyone else would be very gratefully received.
    Thank you

  155.  #155Rosi on September 28, 2011 at 11:06 am

    This is excellent advice!!

  156.  #156Feethevillain on September 28, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Do u want to try n talk him n 2 being ith u again. When a man wants u u cant mess it up. Heat n I broke up again he wanna be friends im not agreement with that. I miss him butwe dont get along. Im moving on for me. It hurts n I wamna talk to him 1
    More time. Butim not tryin to talk him n2 it. I THINK WE R BOTH DONE. im tried of being unhappy. Maybe u should let him do the chasin ntalking. Maybe not meeting him would be better for u. Give it sometime n c what he does.

    more time

  157.  #157Annie on October 29, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    I wish I could say that the way men act changes in middle age, but it doesn’t…nor does the thought process that women use. Such excellent advice – and just what I needed to hear.

  158.  #158elaine on October 31, 2011 at 7:31 am

    Annie…you are so right. It is sad to think these things could still be happening in middle age…now think I’ve gotten no where in relationship awareness or maturity since very young adulthood. Have just recently felt “toyed with” like I wouldn’t believe was possible given my age, intelligence, and worldly experience. Friends say “You’re lucky it happened now, before your whole life fell apart.” Why can’t I feel “lucky?”

  159.  #159elaine on October 31, 2011 at 7:32 am

    Annie…you are so right. I think I’ve gotten no where in relationship awareness or maturity since very young adulthood. Have just recently felt “toyed with” like I wouldn’t believe was possible given my age, intelligence, and worldly experience. Friends say “You’re lucky it happened now, before your whole life fell apart.” Why can’t I feel “lucky?”

  160.  #160maryc on November 20, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    I met a guy twice my age in summer 2010, he had recently separated from his wife. We met randomly and started dating, I had a very hard time at home and he was there to support me. I fell for him hard and quickly which is quite out of character for me. He is a director and put me in a play he was producing, we became inseperable and I thought he felt the same as we had great times together. At the start of 2011 I fell pregnant and lost the baby, he wasnt happy that I was pregnant in the first place as he has a daughter to his wife, he started to suggest we saw less of eachother, which I agreed to although it broke my heart a little, yet he kept coming back for more. We began to fight a lot as his coming and going (using) began to tear me apart, I fell into a very deep depression, we trundled on and I continued to be used until a huge row recently in september of 2011, after this point I heard a lot about his womanising past and overlapping relationships from other women. We began speaking again a few weeks later, and now he wants to be friends, he is in a lot of trouble in his personal life at the moment and his divorce has been finalised meaning he is very depressed, when he has been drinking he often tells me he loves me and he has leant on me for a crutch and I feel like his mother, yet he only wants me to satisfy him sexually on his terms, I realise how silly I am to allow this to happen. He recently told me when he was drunk that he could “offer me more” and in the sober light of day doesnt remember. He ‘pops over’ for lunch or a cuppa and stays all day, I realise he has a lot going on (things he has only confided in me on) yet he is still using me, I have a lot coming up and I know I’m going to need a friend and I asked would he be there for me, his response was “you have lots of friends, because you were there for me are you saying I owe you?” I didnt mean that, I just wanted to know he’d be there too. To cut a long story short I love this man despite everything, he says he wants no women, which i believe but I worry thats just because theres none around him and I fear that he will drop me once he finds one, leading me to ask, what was wrong with me? he has no problem calling me, but wont text yet he texts all his other friends male and female. I’m pretending I’m ok with being his friend, but I’m not. I love him and this is breaking my heart. My depression has lifted but there is still sadness that remains. Please help. I feel worthless.

  161.  #161Amy on November 22, 2011 at 11:37 am

    Hi everyone,

    My bf decided he wanted a break from our relationship a month ago. We have been together for 3 years, im 20 and he’s 23 and we have lived together for 2 years. Everything was perfect until after he had graduated from uni and was having trouble trying to find a job, he loves what he does and is very passionate about his career, he gets work here and there in different cities and he’s always busy, this has interferred with our relationship alot as we began to grow apart because we didnt get to see eachother as much. I still love him all the same even tho i dont see him but he seemed to think that having a break would be better for him because our relationship was getting too intense for him and maybe we should try being friends, he said he still loves me and will always be there for me but i cant see myself being his friend at all i love him soo much and we used to talk about being together forever i cant lose him and i CANNOT see myself dateing anyone for a while, he is my best friend and well as my other half and im not copeing with this break up at all.. i really want him back i just cant lose him, i havent been clingy at all ive left him and given him his space and he has always been the one to text me first. Please help me 🙁 </3

  162.  #162maggie on November 27, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    I’m new here after just having a ‘situation’ with a new guy (2 months) and just being fed up with the same stuff over and over….keeping in mind that I’m new, I have a ?

    what is with getting someone who didn’t treat you right out of your life, and then allowing them back in at a later date? are there some signs of change on his part that one should be looking for? because that’s not what I’m reading. I’m reading about change in the women, and if that’s true, then why reunite with someone who hurt you in the past, so he can do it again? I’m reading about changing your reactions, but the reactions don’t seem so different than any I’ve felt all on my own? there’s still grief, hurt, anger, pain….so what is the point of allowing them a second chance to perpetrate the same garbage? what about their change, because I haven’t read a letter yet that showed any change in any of the men?

  163.  #163Janet on December 2, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    I am reading this blog like most people on here. I do need some feedback. I have been in a relationship for 5 years with a guy on and off. I do not blame him for anything as it takes two to tango. However, I just want to share with the readers. I have learnt a lot from this person, and most of it is about myself. Being wiser and smarter to make the best decisions for our life. At first it started very quickly our relationship. I fell in love head over heals. He moved in with me so fast. In the 3rd month of the relationship I started to see red flags. His true colours appeared. I caught him out lying, and then told me he smokes dope and was addicted, then he said he had depression and bipolar, and the whole scenario just got worse and worse. He would leave after 3 or 5 months. The longest he stayed was 11 months. Over this time I learnt that he had fathered several children, but wasn’t caring for them. He had problems with pornography, and stealing. He blamed an ex girlfriend for cheating on him 7 times etc… He had and still has no real job, or roof over his head. He said he was sexually abused by his sister. He had abandonment issues at a young age when his father left. His stepdad was mean to him…and so forth…After knowing all this about the man, I still loved him, as when he was with me, he would be so kind and loving etc… Anyway we have been apart for the last 2 months. A week ago he texted me asking how I am etc… and that he just wanted to be friends. At first I thought that would be good, as I was still hurting from this break up. We texted backward and forward. He said he still cares for me and that he will protect me. As I went along with this friend thing, I didn’t feel comfortable or didn’t feel right. So I just text him today and said that remaining friends is not in my best interest. I wished him luck, and no hard feelings and ended with take care. Usually, in the past I will give in to him, and we would get back together almost instantly. But this time I feel I have become stronger and wiser. After he received my text. I haven’t heard from him since. I am starting to believe all the good advise I have read. Being a friend with an ex is not worth it. Unless you have children to them. However, I am so glad I have said this to him. To move on.

  164.  #164Paula on January 8, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Hi Rori,
    I just started to read your blog and listen to your advices and it is already starting to make me feel better. It would be great if I can hear your feedback on what I should do.

    I exclusively dated a man 2 years ago for 10 months and it was going in the direction where I wanted it to go… long term commitment. We had to separate because of work towards the end of our relationship and the long distance thing just didn’t work out. He dumped me and I gave him a piece of my mind and told him never to contact me. A year later, we got back in contact long distance and became friends. He soon asked me if I’d ever dated him again, I said that I rather be friends and see where things go. We remained friends for a year.

    When we were both in the same town we started dating again. The first couple of months were amazing, then my work got intense and so did his…. we stop functioning as a couple. Even though everyone around us were calling us bf/ gf, we couldn’t call ourselves that. He requested to see me more often and I gave him that. Fourth month in, he told me that he wants to be exclusive and we were but doesn’t know how to label us… not even bf/ gf. I responded by saying that I’m uncomfortable with being in a relationship where he can’t even label what we are. I said this isn’t to pressure him to make up his mind, but to let him know that I don’t want to be apart of this ambiguous relationship. (I don’t know if I did the right thing by pushing for an answer because technically speaking, it felt so good to be with him and his action was more of a boyfriend than the label itself. He’d planned dates, treat me like a queen…etc….I wanted the label because I felt ashamed in front of my peers that I was dating an ex who I can’t even call him my boyfriend) A month later, he told me that even though he feels deeply connected to me but for him it wasnt going in the direction we were both hoping for. He just didn’t feel the intensity and wasn’t in love with me, I told him I felt the same – and I did. Even though we cared deeply for one another. He wanted to be fair and tell me this so he’s not stringing me along. We amicably broke up. I told him how I felt lonely and sad in our relationship and did not like the hot and cold episodes. I told him that I had planned to tell him I want to date other men and he was shocked that I told him that but agreed that it’s for the best. He said he wanted to be friends and hope I will respond to him when he contacts me in a month. I wavered back and forth about the idea and told him I’m not so sure I’d like that. Anyway, I gave him back old stuff I kept from the relationship 2 years ago and we talked about it for a bit. He was crying this entire time and so was I. I did all the feeling messages and not blame him for anyway – I guess too late.

    It was so weird that we felt more connection during our break up than we did for the past couple of months of trying to make things work. (or me leaning forward). *sigh* I know I need to start dating lots of other men and I will. Is it that I want what I can’t have that triggers me to wanting this ex? I was so happy, relieved, and sad right after our break up…. but the days following I’m not so sure anymore. I don’t feel so lonely now that I’m single, it’s very strange. Somehow I feel more connected to him now that we’re no longer together.

    I know you get so many women like myself asking for your advice on this blog. I would really appreciate it if you can let me know what you think about my situation? What should I do?

    Many thanks,

  165.  #165nataly on January 28, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    Hey, thankyou so much for the advice, I realized I have been doing everything wrong. 3 weeks ago the guy I was dating said he wanted to be just friends. When I met him he was just coming out of a 2 year relationship, we hit it off and have a great connection emotionaly and sexualy, but suddenly he said he wanted to be only friends becouse I was to important to him and he dosent want to loose me, he said he didnt want anything to change but he was afraid of hurting me, he says he always ends up hurting the people he cares about. He invited me to his house a week later and he was dating and sleeping with another girl, I tried to act cool since we are only friends but then I got drunk and when we were alone he kissed me and said he was dying to have sex with me, and that if I was any other girl he would do it straight away, but he said that I was to important to him to mess up. I hate those words becouse in a way he does make me feel imporant to him, but Im not really sure if I believe him, If he cared that much would he really be kissing another girl infront of me, its depressing to know Im the only girl he wouldnt sleep with, I dont know if he truly only does want to be friends, or if he is waiting until he is ready for a relationship with me. I dont want to suffer any more or be messed around with but I really like him 🙁 And strange as it sound I dont want to loose the connection I had with him ether, even if that means being just friends, but its really hard to see him with someone else and no feel rejected, Im trying so hard to be a friend and still I feel like we are driffting apart.

  166.  #166Rori Raye on January 28, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    nataly – STOP this friendship NOW!!! I don’t know how old you are – but this is teenaged stuff and so if you’re not a teenager (if you’re not over 18, I can’t even answer you here, so I’m assuming you’re at least college-aged – get on match.com and OKCupid and find a guy who wants YOU!!! There is nothing more soul-destroying than this kind of situation. Get OUT of it! Love, Rori

  167.  #167Lynne on January 29, 2012 at 12:06 am

    Hi, Resently I met my first love again, from years and years ago. I am now a widow and he is divorced. Only a few months before he had moved far away to get a much better job. This happened prior to us connecting again–we met over the internet on facebook. We talked for several weeks before he arrived here–the purpose of the trip to work with his boss.

    The relationship became physical after the third meeting and then there were plans for another. The fourth meeting was to be Thanksgiving, which was then two weeks later. We spent the next two week sending the most steamy emails you can imagine. By the time he go here Thanksgiving, we both stayed in the hotel room and only left for a short time to get fruit.

    He’s still calling not as much and the steamy emails are not happening as often anymore, because he says, at this point, it causes him alot of problems–in otherwords he can’t do anything except with his hand and he’s not happy with that.

    Before I met him I began feeling like I wanted to get married again within the next couple of years. We are both 50 years old and the other day I asked him if he was planning on coming back to the US anytime in the future to live. He said, no… he had this job and there are no jobs were I am for him. He told me he would be back here twice a year for meetings.

    I had previously asked about going there and he said that would not work because he had already done that with his ex and it did not work. Also, right after he left the US he asked his best friend about moving me there and his friend talked him out of it.

    So… I have watched your videos and I know you say to circular date till you get the ring. I of coarse did this all wrong, I got physical too soon. My heart is already wrapped up in him–it has been since college.

    I am on the verge of starting to meet a few other guys but my heart is not in it. One I have met is really nice but, I keep comparing him to the long distance guy.

    I need you to tell me what to do… Do I just forget this long distance relationship–and my heart is broken again for the second time in my life by the same guy? Do I give him the courtesy of letting him know I’m getting involved with someone or leave it alone? If I don’t say anything and the circular dating turns into something more permanent–like marrage–do I send a dear John letter?

    Thank you for your help

  168.  #168Rori Raye on January 29, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Lynne! – This was – for now – an AFFAIR! Just like in the movies! So what if it isn’t forever! Everyone here, please help Lynne understand that not EVERY passionate encounter is supposed to lead to “forever”….life is supposed to be fun and wonderful. How many of us get to have 2 weeks in a hotel room having steamy sex? It’s right out of romance books – only the happy ending is not the point here. Love, Rori

  169.  #169Sandra on February 5, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    I met this man off dating site who has everything I wanted. I started talking to him very beginning of November. I thought he was very shy.

    Just this weekend I texted a joke about not wanting to hold my dog slobbered hand (his dog had slobbered on me as usual lol) and he wrote back that he wanted to develop a friendship before the “other stuff” if thats okay with me. He was enjoying getting to know me and didnt want to rush anything because he tried that in the past and it did not work for him and he needs to develop friendship first.

    I told him yes we can be just friend only then. He said he likes me but he wants to develop friends first. We havent had hands or gotten physical or anything.

    Again, I thought he was just really shy. He blushes when I smile at him and he then looks away a lot. The spark is definitely there and we have a lot of fun when hanging out together.

    I am figuring though that the friends first thing is just easy way of letting me down or pushing off relationship from fear of being hurt or just too busy with all his things he does like writing and music.

    In any case, right now I cant just be friends with him and have withdrawn myself. I havent texted him all weekend except to ask if I could stop by today and get my tide I left at his house when we were grocery shopping and hanging out at his house then. I returned his book also. I did not hug him goodbye and said I couldnt stay. I was friendly though.

    It hurt me after leaving. I feel like I am going through a break up and losing my best friend even though we have only known each other a few months.

    I dont know what to do at this point. He could be seeing others or jsut not think I am right for him.

    I am just taking it at face value that he only will ever want to be friends with me. I have heard that saying friends first is just an easy way of letting someone down or keeping you around until something better comes along.

    I do not want to foolishly think he just wants to develop a friendship first and then date. I think beginning of november until now is plenty of time to not be rushing….

  170.  #170anon123 on February 6, 2012 at 5:37 pm

    My Fiance split with me after 14 years, saying he loved me but was not in love with me. He’s told me he was having problems with us months before the split but he was scared to loose me from his life. In the end it turns out he slept with someone else, when he confessed this i assumed he had developed feelings for this woman as she was a friend of ours. That he was comparing the excitement of new love and obsession to our long lived relationship and was unjustly comparing the two. I tried to make it work as she had moved back to ger home country and was out of our lives. He half heartedly tried to make it work for about 2 months and then finally left. He wants to remain friends, at first he would take me out on day trips for meals and stuff all the time. Then he moved away with his new job and he would just email and text.
    He’s never explained what was wrong with our relationship, he only ever says that it is truly over. I have tried a couple of times to break contact but he always ends up calling or emailing. Now he is back to emailing or texting several times a day. He’ll also calls about twice a week. Just for a friendly jokey chat, to see how i am and so he can tell me about his day or week.

    I get angry occasionally because he left me now… after so long, and at a time when i thought we where finally going to settle and have a family. Now i am back to square one and fear it may be too late now to have a family, i’m 34. But my anger doesn’t seem to hold for long because i still love him, and i still remember how we where before it got bad. He has been the only person who i feel truly at ease with who knows everything about me and who i felt at peace with.. I think i fool myself occasionally that he will come back one day. Currently he is still in contact with the other woman. He’s told me he wants to be in a relationship but she just wants to be friends. She has visited this country once but only spend a little bit of time with him and he visited her and again was restricted in how often he could see her. I sometimes think maybe he will realise one day that she just likes the attention, she got what she wanted and left and now has him running around her like a little dog…

  171.  #171Feethevillain on February 7, 2012 at 8:39 pm

    I would just like to say that if u say NO to the lame lets just be friends…what u agree to his being his woman but he is not ur man. Im glad I folliwed this advice. I told Heat we could juat be friends no extra. N I meant itFew days later he caame to me n said that wasnt going to work for him lol as of 1-4-12 we r now back n a comittted realionship

  172.  #172Sandra on February 7, 2012 at 9:37 pm

    Just a little update…….i havent really heard from him. Said something about his dog attacking a rabbit……..that was all then. now silence…..sigh.

  173.  #173Rori Raye on February 7, 2012 at 11:43 pm

    anon – This is a friendship – I know I’m hurting you by being so straightforward – but the solution for you is to see that his heart is not with you – and for you to work, instead, to make yourself available for a man who WILL love you forever. Love, Rori

  174.  #174anon123 on February 8, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    I am trying, my problem is that i was so young when i got together with him, i’ve never dated or flirted or tried to find a man.

    I just wish i could have a reason for why it stopped working or why he wasn’t up for making it work. It’s difficult as well because i told him about going on a date no so long back. His reply was that he didn’t want to hear about me dating. He then said he wants me to be happy but he doesn’t want to think of me with anyone else. He also says things like i’m his spirit guide. He tells me about things that he’s stressed about becuase he says i’m the only one he can talk to about stuff like that… I’m sorry but this doesn’t seem like normal friendship material.. Maybe i’m reading too much into it because i still love him.

    I know i need to try and meet someone new but, it’s hard when all your friends are only friends with other couples. I really don’t know where to start.

  175.  #175Paula on February 24, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I have been listening to your suggestions, especially every time I feel bad… about everything – and this usually ends up a downward spiral. Can you tell me how to lose hope in my previous relationship?

    I feel letting [him] go sometimes and other times I feel hope. But I need to lose hope, the hope that he will call, he will contact me again…but it’s already been a couple of months since we ended things, being hopeful will only make me feel worse because I’m expecting something from him. And I shouldn’t, I know this, but I’m having a hard time to tell my heart to stop.

    I have a very busy life and I have a lot of passion for what I do…but I’m stalling a lot of things in my life to take time to feel and heal. Sometimes I feel good and other times not so. I do notice that using the word feel more frequently I do get men responding to me very positively. So thank you for that. I am in ‘texting’ stage with few men I kept in touch with after match.com but haven’t had the time to talk on the phone or meet…this is more my part. But some men would call later than the time they suggested and I don’t like that, so I don’t pick up. Is this right? I just feel frustrated with the ex, dating, and feel like giving up. This search for men, a man, the man. It’s frustrating and I don’t have time for this. It’s exhausting. But I’m also afraid that if I don’t keep dating I will not meet the right man until I’m much older. I keep telling myself that it’s better to end up with the right man later in life than the wrong one.

  176.  #176Emily on April 16, 2012 at 11:59 pm

    Well, I am at a loss once again. If him falling in love is about building shared experiences, and it has gotten to the point where he has stated that “he cares” for you but he doesn’t “feel it” anymore. And you cut him off, aren’t you creating a situation where he can’t experience “you.”

    I also, feel, that this doesn’t help me feel. And some of my favorite people are/have been past lovers. In fact, some of my best friends, greatest teachers and healers in my life were once lovers, I do not “feel it” for them anymore but I do love them, and I am glad they are in my life.

    I recently pushed my “string-it-along” relationship into the break-up zone. I was ready to try some real relating, and he wasn’t. I slept with him recently, it was great but there was a difference in the kissing. Maybe it was that he didn’t feel that he had to act. Well, anyway, I like the idea of exploring how things feel, and I am not particularly into cutting people off. I do see, how being in a false relationship, creates a distance that is hard to overcome, and perhaps this is why they always come back when I finally am actually friends.

    So, do I cut them off, do I invite them to my gig if I feel like it.

  177.  #177Deb on April 26, 2012 at 10:39 am

    I am in such a state and I have been reading all of the posts. There is a lot of good information here. I wish I could have the strength to actually follow some of it into my own life. here is my story. We have been in love and married almost 3 years. together for 4. We used to be each others best friend. We did everything together. Touched all of the time. He would hold me as we slept and we usually always woke up so entertwined it was like twister to get unhooked. Present has me so scared and confused and hurt and weak. He told me in January that he needs some time to figure out what he wants. Said he doesn’t know if he wants to be married. Says he misses his single life. He was 34 when we married. So he has a long time of being a bachelor. Well when he said that in January he said he would take a few weeks alone and think about it and let me know. Ok well four months later he is so distant. He won’t kiss me, or hug me, There is no conversation, nothing. He is completely being a room mate not a husband or a lover or a best friend. If I try to get him to talk he has an excuse for why it is a bad time to get into it. It’s been almost 5 months now. He did find and old flame of his on Facebook. Actually she found him. but they were talking and texting way more that he and I were. I found out he took her to dinner and they talked about their past. He says he has no interest in her yet they still text and talk and message each other several times a day. There is another girl close to us who he sees every week after his bowling league. He stays out till 2 AM. Found out he’s with her. Supposedly they just talk. Well bowling was over and he missed a week of going because he was out of town. She messaged him saying she missed him and talking to him. He messaged her back….. Ill be there Wed. at 7 and have all night. REALLY?????? He says theres nothing going on there either.
    HELP ME PLEASE. I want to leave. I want to live without all the tension and the worry and the sadness. I don’t wanna live each day HOPING he will love me. Hoping he will kiss me, hoping he will hug me and say he wants to stay. but it feels like everyday he just slips further away. Its to the point now that even if I phone him about work He acts like Im totally interrupting him. Like answering a question is really pissing him off. Now on the other hand I want to stay. I don’t wanna be alone. I don’t want be a failure again. I love him so much my heart aches to hear him call me “baby” again. To have him come up behind me and hug or touch me again. I miss my best friend, my lover, my soulmate. I want to wait as long as I can but I’m dying everyday. Waiting for what I need and being cast aside every time. I cry all the time, I’m crying now. I feel hopeless and confused and sad. I’m afraid to leave him because what if he decides later he made a mistake? I think it’s a mid life crises myself. Do I keep living in limbo just hoping he chooses me or do I stand up and Make the decision for him? I ache for him. I love him. I can’t stop those feelings. If I leave I will be moving to another state as I can not stay where I am and have to see him everywhere and see him out with other women. I just can’t do that.
    I am older and this is my second marriage. First one ended cause his girlfriend and I didn’t really get along well. 🙂 Im waiting for his decision but I don’t feel he should expect me to wait for him either. Either love me or let me go is how I feel. but if i leave and then find out he did love me and wanted to make it work. That I just didn’t give him enough time to decide then I will really really lose it. All I want is for some honesty. Having to guess is getting me nowhere but crazy emotions and thoughts and crap.

    sorry it’s to long but I really need some help and advice.

    Need to add one thing: I am bi polar. living like this has me cycling hour to hour. One minute Im strong, the next Im dying. I need stability. This life I’m in is NOT stable. and my moods also make him mad. Everything I do seems to make him mad.

    Thank you all for listening and any advice to help would be so great fully appreciated.

  178.  #178Cyndi on May 2, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Hi Rori,

    I have downloaded you book, “Have the relationship you Want” and have read this blog 2 times. I am 55 years old and my man of 16 years has ended it again with “Can we be friends?”. He has been dumping me since he met me. Three weeks into seeing him he told me he would never commit and would not see me much longer. Again at 3 months he broke it off for apr. 3 weeks. After 1 year he broke it off again, and I begged, cried and pleaded for him to remain. I then talked him into living with me (big mistake). He stayed unhappily for 5 years, then secretly rented an apartment for himself. I only found out by snooping. I thought I was going to die when he left me. I had to take time off work and go to threapy. After 2 months he started to date me and come for sexually benifits which I accepted . I thought some crumbs were better than nothing. He continued to pay the morgage and help me financially. When I spoke of leaving the province and moving he gladly helped me sell the house and buy another. So here I am after 2 more moves, 2 more houses and continuing to see him, (he now owns a home here as well) he tells me it is over once more. I am again in therapy and am told he is a commitment phobic.
    My heart is broken again and I am living in a house he pays for. I know he will not kick me out on the street but having no contact with him for 1 month now is not very pleasant as I don’t know what my future holds at all. We live in a small town so I know I will be running into him.

    I suppose I hope he will come back committed if I stay away long enough (which I have never done) I love him so much. I have been married twice before him, but he is the man I want. He says he loves me and that he probably needs some help to deal with “relationship” issues but he wants to be alone right now and try and find himself.

    I know I should move on, but it is very difficult after so long and at my age dating can be a nightmare.

  179.  #179Rori Raye on May 2, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Cyndi – please get professional help in addition to your therapist, who specializes in relationships – a great coach like Virginia Clark at http://www.ItsNeverTooLateToMarry.com – you have spend many, many years chasing a man who does not want you. Saying he’s a “commitmentphobe” is useless mind-talk. Talking about HIM at all is useless to you. This is about YOU. Get Modern Siren and Targeting Mr. Right, then Love Scripts, and get out there and learn how to VALUE YOURSELF!!!!

  180.  #180Cyndi on May 2, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    How does a man who “does not want “you stick around for 16 years? He has been with me through the loss of my parents, pets, and jobs. He has paid for my homes, bought me cars and has been there for me when no one else was (including family). We are best friends and lovers. We have laughed, cried and been through hell and back numerous times. I am having a very hard time giving him up.

    To be honest I have changed and become needy and dependent on him for my happiness. He does not want to be responsible for that, as he has told me numerous times. He wants the women he met that was fun, laughed alot, danced, flirted and was very independent. It takes 2 to tango and I have played my part in this. I know he never wanted a “relationship” from the get go, but he has had one never the less. What I get from your book is that one must make herself happy first and foremost before a man will want to commit.

    All I have ever done is chase him and try to please him. He is a tall, dark haired, blue eyed Irish man that all women swoon over, so I have tried to keep him on a short leash. I

    I am also very attractive and could easily find someone else but I did not think I would be in this mess at 55 yrs old.

    I know this is about ME now. I am done chasing!!

    I feel tired, emotionally drained, confused, angry, lonely, hurt and very very sad.

  181.  #181Kay on May 3, 2012 at 10:17 am

    Wow, you guys really helped me out of this one. On the way back from a vacation, my guy was getting more and more distant. It had only been a month of us seeing each other, but it started so wonderfully. I thought I was being cautious, asking him the right questions, making it clear I wasn’t a casual dater. And when I ask him if we’re moving forward, he says He’s not ready for a relationship. Then I tell him we’re done completely, we won’t talk again. He calls me a few days later and says how can someone you’ve gotten close to cut you off completely? we should still be good friends, he can’t explain what changed, but he likes me, I’m fun and good to talk to and he’s confused why we can’t be friends. I’ve been thinking about it for a day (I have to pick up something from his house tonite) and at first yeah I thought I was being childish. Wouldn’t it be mature to accept him as the wonderful person I’ve thought he was. Even without romance to bind us. What am I, blackmailing him? But then I talked to a friend that echoed what you ladies are saying here. It’s not good for me, because I’d be hoping for him to change his mind and love me. I thought I was being selfish after hearing him say we should be friends. Now I realize for my sanity I have to really let him go. I’d told him from the beginning “I don’t want to be friends.” Thanks for supporting me on this, ladies!

  182.  #182Hurt on May 17, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    I have been in love with a man almost 3 yrs now. We have dated first we were getting closer he pulled back I didn’t go after him than he came back 2 weeks later said he wanted to talk. Than he said he likes me he wanted to try again see where it goes but I know I made a mistake giving him another chance. After that it has been 2 yrs and just night mare. He comes around than when we get closer he does something that he reminds me that we are not together than I stop seeing him. I tell him how I feel he says he understand and respect that. But we have such a intense chemistry and attraction eachother he gives some time maybe a month than contacts me again and ask me to do something surprisingly like going some exotic place or Christmas dinner in his mom etc.. Or he basicaly shows up at my work and ask me to go lunch or concert with him. So I start talking to him again bc I am in love with him.. Than we start hanging out again and he does something awkward that he reminds me that we are not together again.. So this has been going on over 2 yrs now..every time It is different so I fell for it and think maybe this is real this time so I get disappointed every time.. And last time he just basically texted me after a month of silent he wants to be friend with me.. Than he kept in touch with basic text for awhile than he asked me to do something with him.. So I did I was sure I will be strong this time but again we end up having sex.. First thing he said next day he hopes this doesn’t ruin our friendship bc he really like to be friend.. I just wanted to scream and leave but i didnt want him to see my emotions my feelings All I said no but it will never happen again bc I am not expecting anything from you anymore. Than he still kissed me when I am leaving not a friendly way.. So I was disappointed again.. I said to myself I am done and I will never talk to him again never respond any of his text or phones but than he shows up in my work again a week later with out a notice .. Didn’t know how to handle didn’t wanted to say get out bc I don’t want him to see me weak or angry . I don’t want him to see my emotions towards him anymore.. So I talked to him for a while.. I havent heard anything since than but i know he will keep coming back.. I am really tired of him. I am so in love with him every time I am hoping everything will change.. I told him what I want couple times from the beginning..i feel like good person will understand that he is hurting me and stop doing this to me. But if keeps doing this make me think he likes me.. If he didnt he will just go away forever and I am ok with that but if he keep doing this I can’t resist and I hope maybe this time everything will be different… I am so tired and hurt over and over.. What I need to do to stop him doing this to me or what I need to do to make him love me and never go back again?? Pls help!!

  183.  #183Rori Raye on May 18, 2012 at 9:06 am

    Hurt – my advice for you is the same as for VK…This is all about you believing this is all you deserve – and it’s just not true. YOu deserve everything you truly want. This is starting to look like this is what you want. If that’s not true for you – then get out of this and Circular Date. Love, Rori

  184.  #184Mariana on July 3, 2012 at 9:34 am


    Great advice! That is exactly what I did a couple of days ago. A guy I have been staying in touch for a year now just recently told me we were just friends only…well after telling me that he loves and likes me very much.
    Well, I wrote a heavy email to him and refuse to remain his friend. For me is just not possible to be friends with men I have been in love. This is awkward and kind of insincere interaction, there is always some bitterness left. Fortunately I always speak my mind and do not leave anything unclear.
    This friendship is fake…how could I trust a man who had played with my feelings and affection just to chicken out when he felt like it. He could never be a friend. Also the whole situation was quite humiliating. I just cut him off completely of my life…from FB, skype…everywhere. Of course I still think of him, but hope this will fade away soon too.
    I told him that he is a player and I really believe he is. I asked him why he said nice, romantic things to me without really feeling it. Well, this is called lies in all languages…I have lost my respect for him and I could never trust him again. Not to mention that he constantly flirts with any woman that crosses his path, even with married women. Pathetic and sick! I am so glad I am out of this lie.

  185.  #185Rizzer on July 28, 2012 at 6:15 am

    I just had the most amazing relationship witha man that I loved more than anything in the world. I met him at a time of my life where I was getting fedup with my Masters studies and my job and although he was working on a boat managed to spend each free time he had with me.. We had a tumultious relationship because we loved one another truly (his mother said that he had never loved anyone as much as I), but we had serious issues. I mostly had trust issues due to some past (childhood) experience and because I would always find pornos and stuff I would just assume he was getting tired of me and maybe wanted someone else. He kept assuring me he didnt and we just kept being together. A few months after we started dating he moved to another state but kept working in the state I live in.. We kept seeing each otherr and spent every holiday with one another and when we saw each other we looked at each others eyes and we were just so happy. He moved to the other state so he could make income there as well. AFter about 1 year and a few months; we would spend the time together when he was working and he would fly me out for the next two months to be with him. Unfortunately, one night I drank too much because I heard he went to a strip club while we were broken up and that I had to have a termination. I blacked out and kissed another man (random) in front of him because I was feeling so much pain… After that we broke up for a month, and realized he had gone not during my period of termination and I decided to forget although he tried to forgive me as well for that one night.. Unfortunately his family heard what happened and started talking a bunch of cµµµµ about me except for his mom who told me he loved me a lot..
    So we went back and were together a 100% and loved each other more than ever before he went to visit his family..
    He then emailed me (I am now visiting my family) and he said that it was over and that it will never work between us and that we tried and that he made his decision…
    On my end, he took me last month to spend my birthday in Yosemite and I cant forget how amazing being with him made me feel.. I love him more than anything in the world.. I know I have made mistakes but I had so much going on with Visa/him moving/ hating my job and being away from my family. He was the only light in my week and he made me feel complete…

    I wish I could be with him again but when I said can we see each other in August he said no I still wanna be your friend, its too soon, I dont wanna be sucked back into it..
    But he did admit he still misses me…

    I am lost please help, I know its a lot of stuff but there were definitely more good times than bad times and I amm living hell far not being able to be with my best friend and lover…

    Thank you for your time

  186.  #186Rori Raye on July 28, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Rizzer – do you know why he ended it? Love, Rori

  187.  #187Rizzer on July 28, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    Hi Rori, first of all I read this thread yesterday and I just wanted to say you are amazing and so empowering… He said he ended it because I wasn’t the one for him.. I think so, basically he thinks I never trusted him, which isn’t true. That I was jealous, which I just make comments but that’s about it..
    He has a big mouth ya know?
    Things he said a while back although he broke up with me and came back even stronger…
    I honestly think that it is because he is starting to make a new life in Cali (I live in HI and he worked there but I think is getting a new job in Cali). I also think that the scandal (mentioned above) was heard by his family and they urged him to end it with me..

    In the end although it felt like I was his everything during that time, and I know he still has a lil bit of feelings for me, that I must not be that important to him anymore.

    He said he made his final decision and won’t get sucked back into it.. as if I was a succubus, only because when he is with me, his heart breathes doesnt mean I do anything..

    I am suffering but after reading this thread yesterday, something clicked, although tonight I am thinking of him lots..

    He emailed me yesterday because he just learned his friend was badly injured… I didnt answer…

    I just cant do the whole friends thing, and he refuses to meetup with me.

    I guess sometimes having a big heart doesnt really serve you.

    Thanks for reading and good luck to all of you who opened your everything to someone and took a risk!

    Thanks Rori and much love

  188.  #188gabi on August 16, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    Well, i’ve been reading this post and felt i may be on a similar situation. I’ve been dating this guy for about 2 months. We didn’t know each other before, we weren’t friends before.

    It was being such a great relationship, for me the first real one. It was also the first time i got to relate to someone close enough to have sex, and it was really good for both of us.

    But i had some difficulties in meeting him, because of my religion and family, and also because of living in the other side of the city. I wouldn’t meet him on friday night and saturdays mornings because of my commitment to my family and religion, and during the week we couldn’t always meet because of work and distance. Plus my family couldn’t know i was already in a close physical relation with him, which prevented me to always sleep all night with him.

    He then started to say that he wasn’t feeling really ok with the time i could to give to him, that it wasn’t really a quality time, since i was always kind of involved with external obligations, and he couldn’t share many things that are important to him and he wanted to share with me. He knew i wanted to give all the time i could, but sometimes i just couldn’t, and he didn’t want me to have problems with my family because of it.

    We talked about it, and decided that we liked very much each other and that this was a problem that could be solved in time, and decided to continue dating. I invited him to come to my house. I tried to sweetly say to him that if i was his real girlfriend, for example, things would be easier, though it was really good just dating him, so there was no need for us to rush things.

    Then my grampa got really sick and i got even less time to be with him, though i always tried to create time to go out, to have sex, sleep at his house, be at his side.

    When my grampa got better, it was father’s day, my uncle’s birthday, and my very best friend was leaving the country, all in the same weekend. So i just had to skip this weekend with him.

    On the next monday evening, he called me on skype, saying that we he needed to talk about how he was feeling. Again all the problems we had talked before came back. He said that we should end everything. It was making him feel alone and sad, and if we got forward with the relationship things would get worse, and one would hurt the other.

    The next day we met, and i tried all possible arguments. I asked if all these things that were bugging him didn’t exist if he would still want me, and he actually didn’t give a straight answer. He asked: “it’s an assumption what you’re asking me? You can’t guarantee it, you know it”. He even talked about how the distance we lived would be a problem , because he had no car, he would have to make a “long” trip by bus, that over the time it would make him tired of it, and so would our relationship (as had happened to him before with another girl). He said he was really sad to end everything so close to my birthday, and we agreed that i would invite him to whatever i will do on the date.

    Well, i couldn’t say much more. He said that i had become a very special person to him, that he cared so much for me, and that we should try to be friends. I said: “you know this doesn’t happens this way, we don’t even have much friends in common, or common activities”. He also said that maybe it could happen that we meet again and we feel like kissing each other, and it would be no problem.

    I asked: “but then can i have hope of us dating again, or never again?” He said: “if i say no it will make you very sad, if i say yes you’ll close yourself for other guys, and the truth is that i can’t know what will happen.”

    When we were saying the final good byes, he noticed i was looking to him in a certain way…i said it was hard to look at him and do not kiss him. Then he came to me and kissed me.

    And it was it.

    Of course i am dying of desire to go after him. But for all the reasons he gave me for ending it all, when you really like someone, all these little problems become almost insignificant. So, i assume that these were just excuses for the real reason: he knew i wanted the relation to go forward, he gave time a little chance, but after thinking awhile he decided that he didn’t like me sufficiently for it (and all the little problems we would have), though liked me enough to care for my feelings. Maybe he even wished he cared more, i don’t know. He was really sad on the good bye.

    I know we won’t talk for a long time, maybe forever. But i truly wish i could do something, and he called me back. Is there something that can be done?

  189.  #189Rori Raye on August 16, 2012 at 10:49 pm

    gabi, welcome, and I’ve deleted your last name for your privacy. Honestly – I can’t see, from what you say, how this relationship ever could have worked. There are just too many differences in serious ways. Religion and family priorities, and then the distance between you. Please go online to dating sites that specialize in your religion, and find a man who has more in common with you in the day-to-day things, more commitment to family. Normally I don’t think having things in common is important at all – but for you, I think it would help tremendously. Love, Rori

  190.  #190gabi on August 16, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    Well, i’ve been reading this post and felt i may be on a similar situation. I’ve been dating this guy for about 2 months. We didn’t know each other before, we weren’t friends before.

    It was being such a great relationship, for me the first real one. It was also the first time i got to relate to someone close enough to have sex, and it was really good for both of us.

    But i had some difficulties in meeting him, because of my religion and family, and also because of living in the other side of the city. I wouldn’t meet him on friday night and saturdays mornings because of my commitment to my family and religion, and during the week we couldn’t always meet because of work and distance. Plus my family couldn’t know i was already in a close physical relation with him, which prevented me to always sleep all night with him.

    He then started to say that he wasn’t feeling really ok with the time i could to give to him, that it wasn’t really a quality time, since i was always kind of involved with external obligations, and he couldn’t share many things that are important to him and he wanted to share with me. He knew i wanted to give all the time i could, but sometimes i just couldn’t, and he didn’t want me to have problems with my family because of it.

    We talked about it, and decided that we liked very much each other and that this was a problem that could be solved in time, and decided to continue dating. I invited him to come to my house. I tried to sweetly say to him that if i was his real girlfriend, for example, things would be easier, though it was really good just dating him, so there was no need for us to rush things.

    Then my grampa got really sick and i got even less time to be with him, though i always tried to create time to go out, to have sex, sleep at his house, be at his side.

    When my grampa got better, it was father’s day, my uncle’s birthday, and my very best friend was leaving the country, all in the same weekend. So i just had to skip this weekend with him.

    On the next monday evening, he called me on skype, saying that we he needed to talk about how he was feeling. Again all the problems we had talked before came back. He said that we should end everything. It was making him feel alone and sad, and if we got forward with the relationship things would get worse, and one would hurt the other.

    The next day we met, and i tried all possible arguments. I asked if all these things that were bugging him didn’t exist if he would still want me, and he actually didn’t give a straight answer. He asked: “it’s an assumption what you’re asking me? You can’t guarantee it, you know it”. He even talked about how the distance we lived would be a problem , because he had no car, he would have to make a “long” trip by bus, that over the time it would make him tired of it, and so would our relationship (as had happened to him before with another girl). He said he was really sad to end everything so close to my birthday, and we agreed that i would invite him to whatever i will do on the date.

    Well, i couldn’t say much more. He said that i had become a very special person to him, that he cared so much for me, and that we should try to be friends. I said: “you know this doesn’t happens this way, we don’t even have much friends in common, or common activities”. He also said that maybe it could happen that we meet again and we feel like kissing each other, and it would be no problem.

    I asked: “but then can i have hope of us dating again, or never again?” He said: “if i say no it will make you very sad, if i say yes you’ll close yourself for other guys, and the truth is that i can’t know what will happen.”

    When we were saying the final good byes, he noticed i was looking to him in a certain way…i said it was hard to look at him and do not kiss him. Then he came to me and kissed me.

    And it was it.

    Of course i am dying of desire to go after him. But for all the reasons he gave me for ending it all, when you really like someone, all these little problems become almost insignificant. So, i assume that these were just excuses for the real reason: he knew i wanted the relation to go forward, he gave time a little chance, but after thinking awhile he decided that he didn’t like me sufficiently for it (and all the little problems we would have), though liked me enough to care for my feelings. Maybe he even wished he cared more, i don’t know. He was really sad on the good bye.

    I know we won’t talk for a long time, maybe forever. But i truly wish i could do something, and he called me back. Is there something that can be done?

  191.  #191Gavilan on September 7, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    So I have a baby from a one-night-stand with a “friend.” (Shocking, I know…) When we met he asked me out and I said no for my own reasons. We remaind friends until I found out I was pregnant and fell of the face of the earth. I contacted him to tell him he’s got a kid(he’s a great dad so far) and we’re still friends. We’ve always had a thing for each other, but now he’s kind of in freak out mode and keeps saying he “doesnt know if he could ever have feeling for me again” because of the “OMG I’m a daddy” situation. Which I totally understand…but I want more than just friendship. I want to be a family. We still have that “I want you” tension between us. How can I help him feel safe with us and not feel like his freedom has been taken away. How can I bring him back to me…I know I should “pull away,” but thats a little hard when we’re trying to figure out when he can see his son. Because of this, I need to be able to see him and talk him on a regular basis. How do I “pull away” with out actually pulling away?

  192.  #192Melissa on September 7, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    Update: I am poster 136. I never unsubscribed to this comment thread, and occasionally I get the email updates. I decided today that an update was in order, because I followed Rori’s advice and have never reported back on my progress.

    I was very sad at that time to be ”friend-zoned”, but I did what Rori suggested and went nuts on circular dating. At one time, I was on too many dating sites to keep track… I had over 169 guys that contacted me. I went out as often as my schedule allowed, and I practiced flirting with EVERYONE. The bank tellers, grocery baggers, toll booth change collectors… I didn’t care, I was just OUT THERE.

    I had a list of 27 guys that I either saw or talked to on a regular basis, and a short list of 6 that I dated on and off. I refused to commit until I found just the right guy who was truly into me and wanted ME for me. It wasn’t easy, and I ended up getting hurt two more times that year because I STILL got too close, too fast. *sigh* But I kept at it, kept moving forward. Kept saying NO to being friends whenever it was mentioned. Needless to say, I went through a LOT of guys…

    I am no spring chicken. I clean up pretty good, but I am 43, twice-divorced, fat and have teenage children and a crazy ex-husband who enjoys making things difficult. Lots of baggage… so if you’re not blond, skinny and 23, take heart. I acted as if I was FABULOUS and the best thing these guys had ever hoped to run across… and guess what? I really was. After a few months, I actually believed it myself.

    A few months into circular dating, I ran across a guy who knows friends of mine. We started talking, and we developed a flirty friendship online. He was vacationing in my area, and I agreed to meet him. Sparks flew! But… he was uncertain about a relationship. We lived far apart, he was not looking for a relationship…. yada yada yada. But he was interested enough to keep dating me, so I kept him in the circle, and CONTINUED to date other guys!! I told him I was moving forward, and he was free to see other women, too.

    I did not feel any jealousy. By that time, I had gained enough confidence that I KNEW I was worth more than playing second string, or being ”that one person I can tell anything to”… and yet not be the one to commit to.

    Things cooled off at that point, surprise! I did not contact him at all. I was not interested in being ”just friends”. I told him I wanted a relationship. Period. And if he was not the guy, then so be it. (Was it easy? NO! I fell hard for him, but I know myself and my patterns, so I held firm).

    After about a month, he started contacting me. He said he wanted to see where things would go with us. I told him sure… but that I was still seeing other guys. And again, assured him that he should feel free to see other women. I continued to add new guys to my ”list” as others fell off.

    He told me a few months after that, that he wanted to be serious. That he realized I was the one. I still held back, because… hey. I’ve been down this road before. But I agreed.

    We spent two weeks on vacation together in February, we moved in together in June, and we are getting married next month.

    My message is this: Don’t give up!! Rori’s advice works!!! And even if Mr. Right doesn’t waltz into your life right away, you will still have a BLAST becoming an amazing, sexy, fulfilled woman!!! It is not easy to listen when someone says you’ve been doing it wrong. It is harder to hear that the ”love of your life” is not THE ONE. But, honestly, if he was THE ONE, you would not be here, looking for advice. If he was THE ONE, you would know it, because he would BE the one.

    Lots of guys use women, and many of them don’t even realize it. We are conditioned to put their needs before our own, and to just take what little they offer.

    Find your OWN power. Take Rori’s advice. BE the siren. Do circular date!!! It is the best advice I have ever been given.

    Rori, I can’t thank you enough. I wish every woman who reads your blog could find the courage to commit to themselves and truly take your advice. I did, and my life has been transformed.

  193.  #193tpl on September 7, 2012 at 11:36 pm

    thanks for story melissa, pls can ask about one thing = re: sex. when or when did you not have sexual relationships with this man (or any of the others??:) – i don’t understand circular dating and sexual exclusivity etc…if too personal a question, I understand! thanks

  194.  #194Melissa on September 8, 2012 at 9:12 am

    I had sex one time with my fiance about five weeks after we started dating. It was pretty early… too early as it turned out, because we ended up needing that time of separation and cool down. I have done the sex right away thing too often in the past, so I wanted to wit to know for sure… but looking back, I think it was still too soon.

    I had sex with one other guy after beginning circular dating. We had known each other for a few years, but the relationship had not turned romantic in all that time until I started really putting myself out there. Guess what? After we had sex, he wanted to be ”just friends”. LOL So that was my real wake up call. I realized Rori was right!! No investment until he was ready to commit!!!

    My pattern since my teen years has been to move into an exclusive, sexual relationship WAY too soon- Usually within a few dates. It was hard to break that pattern, to realize that I can be super excited about a guy, really like him, feel that spark and that chemistry… and then NOT start plotting our lives together and subsequently falling into bed with him!

    Once I finally ”got it”, and understood my pattern, I was able to date without sex, without exclusivity. Sex is not love, and even amazing chemistry is simply biological energy. I think that sex and chemistry is VITAL in a successful committed relationship… but it is NOT love and it is not the basis for a lifetime of happiness.

    I would encourage you to get Rori’s newsletter at the very least. Her frequent reminders, tips and encouragement made all the difference!

    Good luck!!

  195.  #195tpl on September 8, 2012 at 10:42 am

    thank you melissa for replying – it helps… good luck and congratulations on your forthcoming wedding! x

  196.  #196amber on September 10, 2012 at 2:13 am

    Me and my ex broke recently and he wants to be bffs. Forever in his life because he loves me just not in love. But we had never gotten to the true emotional bond it takes to be in love. Im invested in him n his family and projects together, so staying friends is possible. But can i create that emotional bond thru being friends and move back into a relationship? Can i start over? I drove him away with deprssion and self esteem issues, but if i take this as a chance to work on me and fix me, can it be used as an opportunity to achieve what we never really had? I truthfully cant just cut out because of business issues, etc, but can i use this as a learning and growing experience and maybe get him back to that point, if i dont find someone else? Is it possible?

  197.  #197Angie Atrouni on September 27, 2012 at 11:27 am

    That is exactly what I did. I liked this guy so much that I couldn’t take him as a friend. He liked me so much, as a friend. I cut him off on facebook and he got angry wondering if he did anything wrong with me, and that it is true we hung out but he didn’t promise me or hurt me in anything, and that he wishes to keep me as a friend. He can not do anything at this point so I agreed at first. Then, it made me tired and I finally opened up to him, and told him all what I wanted to. It does feel good. I had the choice too. I am free to do what suits me. Keeping friends with an interesting person will only turn things more depressing as it sure keeps hopes. It has been a month now.

  198.  #198Rori Raye on September 27, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    Angie – Thank you…and thus my argument for not being friends with a man you love. Love, Rori

  199.  #199Storm on October 17, 2012 at 7:49 am


    read most of the comments and heard most of your ideas on the subject. some are battling these “breaks” for moths or two, ive had this same guy problem for nearly 10 years. i need relationship evaluation from outside and an advice.

    since i was about 15 i found a guy who is virtually a copy of me. we think same, talk same, like same, hate same, finish others sentences, have identical issues, problems and even lives. to say, he is the only person who could ever fully undertand me. never have i even seen anyone remotely compatible.

    clearly this all grew into love in my immature mind back then. i revealed my findings and it was all great – for about half a year (its me being 20ish by then). but later on i had to move out and it was all moved to internet. i blamed myself for a long time for the gap of distance, since it seems thats where it all went to hell. we split. or more like he snapped out of this, as i figured he realised it wasnt love on his end afterall. many, many mixed signs. cant be sure now. for most part i just figured he doesnt want relationship with me. clearly, we remained best friends but it was impossible to maintain any love and i let go.

    over the years fascination cooled down, we havent talked for months, maybe years at times.

    then during last 6 months silence something utterly terrible happened to me, completely lost everyone close to me and i shut off from the rest. i had no one else to turn to and i just needed a friend myself. he never turned me away in my crappy hours. so it was good.

    in the end however, he began saying he loves me just as he failed to shut up about it. for years. even now that i tell him i dont need him as a guy. its what makes this all complicated – im not sure if he does “love” me or just strings me along. however, once i start asking bout serious relationship, he keeps evading for friggin weeks (how does he manage that?!) and i never get clear yes or no, just assurances and words that i wanna hear. one of the forementioned mixed signals.

    so my main questions would be:
    1. im sure he loves me. but how to make sure its actually romantic love?
    2. clearly i cant just give him cold shoulder. hes one of three people i am still able to talk to. i need him more than he needs me, and mostly i just need him as friend. how to cease looking for more?
    3. why wont he stop misleading me? specially when i demand him to say what he really feels, he just says more things that lead to relationship (but he refuses to commit??). he doesnt seem to have had anyone serious since, similar as me…
    4. and no its not even friends with benefits. thats a first for me, for a guy to refuse cassual encounters… T_Tpure platonic love? T_T or he sees me as Total Friend 3000?

    sigh can share butt ton more mixed signals but theyre irrelevant. tried avoiding him, tried ultimatums, tried carrots and sticks. what to do?

  200.  #200Rori Raye on October 17, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Storm – sounds like he is a friend, as he says he is. Can you be happy with that? Wanting it to be other than he feels and wants is unproductive and just adds to your pain. If it were me, I’d take this guy as my friend at this low point in my life – and go about dating other men who may not light my fire, but who want a relationship with me. Your fire can be lit once you trust a man who loves you. Love, Rori

  201.  #201Clarissa on December 7, 2012 at 9:10 am

    Hi Rori, i am at this crossroads, we have been living together as friends for 6 months now no cuddles no benefits due to me being suspicious of him, i told him before this happened i did not want to live as friends, but to make it happen i would have to ask him to leave the house. He now lives like a batchloer coming and going as he pleases, texting constantly, and i still run around after him cooking meals, washing his clothes etc. i find myself crying and getting cross when hes out at work, but im ok when hes at home. We have a child together who is aged 9 nonverbal autistic and loves his dad to bits.. it when his dad comes home from work as he gives him all the attention he could ever want he is a great dad. I cannot bring myself to ask him to leave as i love my son and it would break his heart if his dad left and i cut him out of our lives. so in a way i feel he knows this…..and works it well, he is not horrible to me, but he is self confessed lazy at home and even admits it to friends like its some thing funny?? i am still suspicious of him even though we are just friends, but theres a part of me getting used to this situation, perhaps we will with grow apart or back together, either way i just dont want to be cross anymore its not me.

  202.  #202apire on January 13, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    Dear Rori,
    I’ve never done this before.
    I met this guy during summer time I came back to my city to visit my family. He was lovely, sweet, romantic and fun to be around. If I spoke about him on the phone to my friends I used to say ”its this guy he really likes me” ..as he really did. And so did I, by time I so fell for him, and he knew I liked him too. After a month or so he started having some problems I think some family issues he had he never spoke about and other health problems. He waited few months (this means we didn’t had any intimacy) to tell me that we wont be together any more, he wanted to end the relation. After two days he txt me to let me know there was a party at the town and I didn’t go, we didn’t see and speak for few weeks until one day it happened we met again. He flirted with me I gave nothing back. It happened we met again and again he flirted with me a lot, touching my hand and all that. He had to go away for a week and one night before he left he send me a txt and included a kiss at the end of the txt ( a thing he stopped doing it while ago). After he came back from his trip and we saw each other again, I told him how I feel, that I still like him, he told me he likes me to but he wants us to remain friends.
    I didn’t say anything at that point just hugged him, we held hands for a moment and I left. I didn’t see him since then, and I didn’t hear from him. He will be leaving the country in couple of weeks for a month or two, and I might leave too before he comes back. Any tips, advice, and opinion on this situation is appreciated.
    thank you

  203.  #203Rori Raye on January 13, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    apire, Welcome, and I’m so sorry – I know you know this – but it was nothing. Just someone you dated. Please read everything you can here so you’ll never again make more out of a dating situation than it is. It just wasn’t a match. Go Circular Date so a man who wants to love you can find you. Love, Rori

  204.  #204apire on January 14, 2013 at 3:26 am

    Hi Rori, thank you for the reply.
    It is hard to see it like that, as we both had strong feelings for each other. Clearly he has set up his mind and I don’t know how has he achieved this. On the other hand, I still want him, and I feel pain every time I want him but I cant be with him. I am not going to txt him or anything, but since this town is so small there is a big chance I will meet him any time soon. Also he is going to travel for few months, if he doesn’t call me by then shall I txt him wish good luck?
    Or are you suggesting I disappear from his life?
    Thank you Rori

  205.  #205Apoorva on January 14, 2013 at 6:41 am

    So, my guy best friend for 5 years admitted he liked me and so did I. When it was the day before the first date he said he just wants to be friends….. I don’t know what to do :/

  206.  #206Storm on January 16, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    thanks for input.

    guess i owe some epilogue. we got into a brawl, rapid ignores and said goodbyes eventually. not the first time or long silence, however this time it just might be last.

    i made him choose between friend or gf, being adamant about it for few months and he finally said what was on his mind, not what i needed to hear. as a friend he is one of a kind but i feel relief now that i do know where it all stood all these years. surprisingly, theres not even a drop of loss. i wonder did i really love him at all now, or just needed anyone to hold my hand when things got bad.

    thanks for hearing me out again.

  207.  #207Bunny Girl on January 18, 2013 at 8:56 am

    Great advice. I am in that situation right now. But, what do you do if he is in a horrible place and his life is completely falling apart and you are truly the only one there for him? He’s pushed everyone away and he’s an emotional wreck. I am trying slowly to break free from this relationship, step by step. But I feel terrible for him and, of course, enjoy having him in my life.

  208.  #208Rori Raye on January 18, 2013 at 11:12 am

    Bunny, Welcome, and isn’t what you describe the exact definition of “friends”? Doesn’t sound very romantic to me – does it to you? Rescuing a man? Some of us so love to nurture, to be there for others, to rescue – because it’s our personality, it’s what makes us feel good based on our past lives and where we felt good and felt love – and yet, most often, we love to nurture and rescue a man because then we don’t have to do the scary thing of RECEIVING love from a man who can GIVE it. Real intimacy depends on a balance of giving and receiving, and on our ability to surrender to the gifts that come at us. Love, Rori

  209.  #209Bunny Girl on January 18, 2013 at 11:47 am

    Thank you so much Rori. He will hate me if I pull away, but really right now I feel like that’s what I want/need to do. He doesn’t want me as his girlfriend, but, quite frankly, I don’t want to give him my “good stuff” for nothing. I’m throwing pearls to pigs!

  210.  #210apire on January 20, 2013 at 4:36 am

    Hi Rori, I feel I should write you again. I find this website really helpful.
    I went out yesterday and like I said I live in a very small town, and as much as am trying to avoid my man, i saw him on a coffee shop, I was with a friend and he was with a common friend so we sat on the same table. I did not sit close to him, I did not made any eye contact with him more then when I said hello, and I left the coffee shop as soon as finished my coffee. He was looking and me, and smiling…I smiled back said by and left.
    My heart is aching a little, can’t believe we came to this but at the same time I think I did myself a good thing for not giving him the opportunity to speak to me, since we haven’t seen each other for few weeks now(from the day he said he likes me but want to be just friends)
    Please ladies some advice.
    Did I do a good thing here or did I miss a chance to speak and be with him?
    thank you

  211.  #211Sully on February 11, 2013 at 8:23 pm

    ?hi Rori, I was in a relationship with my boss we where doing real good till just out of the blue I saw that he was kinda of sad on the phone with me and I asked him whats wrong he replied the he never thought he would feel this way towards me but that he couldn’t offer what I needed in my life. He said I needed someone that can be there for me that I had many qualities that he wanted but that he just could’t offer me anything more. I told him that I was not looking for anything more than what we had right now but he still kept talking that I deserved better. So I made the decision for us and he agreed that we would just be friends. He replied that we would be best of friends. I don’t know what to do I am in love with this man. I see him at work and he stairs at me he told me he loved me and I asked him then why did we brake up. He replied I told you the other day and we both agreed to be friends, then I asked him is it for the best and he replied that he really doesn’t know but let things be. What can I do I see him every day how am I so pose to go on I love this man. And the job is a good job.. Please help! Thank you.

  212.  #212katievo on February 17, 2013 at 9:11 am

    I am struggling with a problem like this. The guy I met over a year ago was amazing. Pursued me until we were together – was so so wonderful to me and told me he had never loved anyone like me. He never officially asked me out and I have never met his family or been a part of his life properly. He spends a lot of his time with his ex as they have young children and he said she is not over him yet and he does not want her to know about us as it would make life more difficult. Then he just decided we should just be friends – said he wanted to simplify things – keep things simple between us. He said he loves being with me and we text everyday. He does not come over anymore but we go to the same club together every week and have dinner. We always have fun and a great time together which just confuses me. When we are alone on the rare occasions he does not act like a friend but more than. It seems like when he wants to be with me that’s fine and when he doesn’t – it’s like I don’t exist – am devastated crying all the time and love him so much. I never tell him this and just act like everything is ok – some guidance please – we are in our thirties.

  213.  #213Rori Raye on February 17, 2013 at 10:10 am

    katievo – Welcome, and all you need here is some experience and a bit of guidance. For you to be hung up on a man who wants to be a “friend” to you (perhaps with sex if he can get it…) is at the root of your problems and pain. No woman who thinks highly of herself would even be INTERESTED in that! We ALL have unrequited love stories. We all would love to be with many men we see every day, and celebrities – there are girls who’re in pain over Justin Beiber! And when we’re close physically to these men – it makes it all worse because our hormones get even MORE involved. It’s like living a fantasy life on steroids.

    So – stop. Break off all contact with this man, read and work with my ebook, get some coaching to get some self-esteem and learn to speak to men differently, and Circular Date! You need experience in order to tell a real relationship from a fantasy one. I know you believe this was ONCE “real” – but it never was. He never asked you out, you were never invited into his life – it was ALWAYS Imaginary.

    Love, Rori

  214.  #214katievo on February 17, 2013 at 11:56 am

    Thank you Tori for your advice – has been so hard – he talked about buying a house together and we gave been intimate for most of the year. It’s been such a rollercoaster of emotions – one minute he loves me and says I’m his girl and the next he just wants friendship. Every time I try and back off he turns on the charm again and I feel pathetic because I go running. I know he is no good for me. I was married for 18 years to a bully who made me lose all my self confidence so I know I have low self esteem.

  215.  #215katievo on February 17, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    Rori sorry my spell checker altered your name.

  216.  #216PJA on February 23, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    Hi Rorie,
    I reconnected with a friend from 18 years ago. We spoke on dating but only hung out a couple of times. He then said let’s be friends. He would live to date me and I’m a great woman but life has harden him. He has no compassion and didn’t want to short change me on emotions. I felt a real connection when we initially reunited. He still wants to be friends and even expressed it as “every girl I like wants to be my woman but never my friend. Damn can we be friends”. Lately I felt torn with my connection and this friend thing. So I decided to walk away and he immediately wanted to see me and apologize for being nonchalant. I’m confused. Should I leave it and him alone?

  217.  #217Rori Raye on February 24, 2013 at 9:41 am

    PJA, Welcome, and he seems like an okay “date” – as long as you’re SERIOUSLY Circular Dating tons of other men!!! Love, Rori

  218.  #218Alyssa on March 11, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    Hi Rory,
    I’ll be 21 years old in June. I know I’m very young, and people always throw that at me, so please don’t make your advice because I’m “so young, and can find someone else”… if you can… Shane and I got together when I was fifteen and he was fourteen. We fell in love after two weeks. We’ve had our breakups, and our fights, and gotten back together every single time. Sometimes we’d go months without contact. I went away to college for 6 months, and we stayed together faithfully through that. But, whenever we would break up, I always tried to move on. I tried talking to other men, tried having relationships. I slept with at least one person every time we broke up. (After I was over 16!) Which I know probably sounds pretty bad. But, he slept with numerous girls too. Anyways. We moved in together in November of 12 and everything went downhill in our relationship since then. I felt like I wasn’t being appreciated or loved enough. He went away for a week for work two hours away, and although I missed him, I didn’t feel like I really wanted to see him come home. I think I misunderstood my feelings of enjoying being alone for not needing him anymore, and I broke it off on our 6 year anniversary after he got home. He was totally devastated, but I kept telling him that I felt like this was better for both of us. Convinced I would never take him back. He tried for two months, and then found out that I was attempting seeing someone else, and had slept with someone else. He didn’t seem to really mind, but I know he was hurt. I stopped seeing this person, but not because of Shane. After a few weeks of being alone, with my thoughts, I really missed Shane. I told him I wanted to be back with him, and now he just wants to be friends. He keepes telling me that he doesn’t think us getting back together is a “good idea”… He is the love of my life, and as much as it kills me to just wait for him to tell me he wants to hang out, or to have to ask for hugs… I miss him so much, even when I’m hanging out with him, because I don’t know what he’s thinking that we are. I’m very confused, and hurt, and lost, and just wondered if anyone had insight.

  219.  #219Rori Raye on March 11, 2013 at 11:12 pm

    Alyssa, Welcome, and your story sounds like the stuff great films are made of! You sound great, and so does he – and sometimes it just takes awhile for people to find out who they are and be ready to settle down. Do you really think you are? Is he? He can still be the love of your life – but not necessarily for now – and not necessarily the ONLY love of your life! Please learn how to Circular Date, give him space to do what he needs to do, and learn communication skils here and in my ebook that can make ALL the difference here. One of you has to be supremely mature, and I always vote for it being you. Love, Rori