If He Wants You To Dress Up And Wear Makeup, And You’d Rather Be Natural

9 (3)

The Question:

“Rori, my man likes it when I dress up and wear makeup – and I’d so much rather go “natural!” I like my face clean. I mean, I like a beard on a man, and he won’t do that because it’s uncomfortable, so why should I do makeup for him? ‘Natural'”

My Answer:

Oh My Gosh! Natural, my first thought is: What you WANT, core, is NOT just to be free without makeup!!!!

What you WANT is a great, sexy, amazing relationship AND to feel great and free to be yourself and feel good!

So – as simple and non-important as this seems, it’s actually the beginning to either a “problem” in the relationship as this escalates into a whole bunch of issues neither of you want to compromise on – and possibly, eventually, stop even TALKING to each other about things you WANT – because you’ll always feel unheard, and dissatisfied.

So, let’s start with this “small” – and very personal, one.

Like it or not, men have individual tastes (just like we do!), and most men really, really like makeup and hair – and very little clothes on us.

If I were coaching you, I’d ask you how it feels to dress up, put on makeup and do what he has REQUESTED of you?

I would ask you, too, to uncover what has happened in the relationship – what’s been said – that seems disconnected, possibly, to this “issue” that’s feeding so much energy into your relationship – but is actually fueling some level of dissatisfaction in one person, and a feeling of not-being-heard in the other.

This is how relationships get stuck!

For this one, which might be a “tip of the iceberg” – what might he be feeling and thinking that’s fueling his continual bringing up of makeup?

And, if you don’t wear makeup – and he really, really cares all that much – how in the world did he get this far down the road with you, into the Commitment Arena?

Did you fool him by wearing makeup on dates, and then stopping as you got more committed?

Or has he known about your desire to go “natural” from the beginning?

Or – perhaps he thought he could persuade you once you got further down the road?!

This would coincide with how we women often believe we can change a man AFTER we marry him!

If that’s the case – it would feel pretty lousy to have a new request to change something he’s always known about you…and, if it were me, it might inspire fear that there are MORE things he wants to change.

There’s a LOT of space here for discussion! For just “talking” things through!

Perhaps he didn’t feel comfortable bringing this up – though he’s always wanted you in makeup, hair and dress – and now he feels “entitled”.

Perhaps, just like in every long relationship, he’s feeling the “spark” fading, and makeup feels like a solution to that.

And – truly, whatever the reason he’s bringing it up now, it’s good he’s bringing it up!

Now, you can go deeper into everything about “satisfaction”, asking for change, making requests, what the energy behind a request is, where it might be coming from, and how to make not a “compromise” – but how to PLEASE each other, turn each other on, ramp up the relationship every day – while still feeling good and true about ourselves.

Being a people-pleaser is a crippling condition, and you don’t sound at all like you’re stuck there (the way I was for so much of my life, at least!)

And I really understand and admire making sure we don’t fall into that…

…Yet, there are all kinds of good reasons to make sure that each of you get your needs and Wants met – and, if, as I believe, his most important Want is to give you what YOU Want – then what is happening for him that makes this all such a big deal to him?

If it’s just a fantasy item he would like you to fulfill – well, perhaps that’s doable!

If there’s something else bothering him, yet all he can talk about is makeup, then a deeper conversation can be a powerful intimacy builder.

At face value – I would say there might be a question if his request was totally uncomfortable for you, but this one is pretty small.

Yet, he DOES know that it’s a fairly big deal for you!

Especially when he’s refused YOUR fantasy beard request!

This is what relationship is: working out each other’s wants and needs, and making sure that satisfying each other’s needs are important to both.

Yes, you are dressing up and putting on makeup for HIM.

He has said that to you as clearly as you’ve said you like not wearing any makeup.

So – how far do we go to please our men, turn them on, add the fantasy element, when it’s not really something we want to do?

Is there a compromise, a level of surprise and special moments that you can be comfortable with – even have FUN with?

If you aren’t around him 24/7 – perhaps you can do some experimenting, and see how you feel?

If it were me, because I don’t have a strong feeling about going “natural” (it’s more just inconvenient and a bother to do makeup!) I’d likely consider this request pretty small, mild, and easily satisfied, and find a way to make it feel good for me (getting into healthy makeup and skin care, having artistic fun with eye makeup, etc…) – AND – I’d also be grateful that he actually verbalizes his request – he’s literally ASKING you do do something that makes him feel more strongly attracted to you.

Most men ask for cooking, cleaning, baby ending – all that very unsexy stuff.

I’d be glad he was actually sharing his fantasy wishes with me, and asking me to supply him some satisfaction.

I’d also feel weird, like “I’m not pretty enough, or too old-looking without makeup?”

Thank goodness, this is not in my marriage…my husband literaly doesn’t notice and doesn’t care.  He thinks I’m cute and sexy – yayy! – and that just coats over how I may feel about how I look at any given moment.

On the other hand, I’d feel glad that he was at least asking, and not stuffing it down and then losing interest in me because he felt, deep down, that I wasn’t giving him what he wanted!

In this world right now, and in our very long marriage, I’d feel glad that he’s asking for things he finds sexy!

It would be no different than me asking HIM to do what makes ME feel sexy about him!

So – I think the solution here is to go deep into the source of this bad and angry feeling you have about his request.

There are many men who truly like the “natural” look on women (or just SAY they do, but secretly or even unconsciously also want you to dress up and put on makeup).

If this is a dealbreaker for you – then perhaps he isn’t the guy for you!

If this is just something the two of you can talk about, break down into how important this is, how it feels, where it’s coming from, is it a deep fantasy that makes him look at other women and then judge you?  Or is it something he only thinks about occasionally – and then verbalizes to you?

Now – if there are OTHER things going awry in the relationship – perhaps that’s what’s truly making you angry (and yes, the way he’s expressing himself is as a “complaint” rather than a request).

Natural, you sound absolutely awesome to me!

And, yes, his refusing the beard (I think so many men now know that many of us love beards!) because of valid discomfort – if it were me – would have made me VERY sensitive to his telling me that makeup would increase my attractiveness.

The dressing up is easier, sometimes – (and I do wear skimpy clothes, except when it’s cold, or on camera, or when I truly feel like hiding! – but could literally walk around in pajamas 24 hours/day, fueled perhaps by my husband’s wonderful praise when I’m nude or in skimpy tops and panties).

And this is a great moment to “talk” about these things!

It sounds like a real beginning to deep conversations about marriage, compromise, pleasing each other – all of that!

Most important, I believe you have the skills to do this!

Love, Rori