If He’s Betrayed Your Marriage…Start Here…

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Here’s a letter from Helene, who’s been devastated by her husband’s behavior:

“Dear Rori, My husband of twelve years wants to end our marriage.

We bought two acres together and built our dream house on it. It took two and half years of labor, and basically living our lives apart except for weekends. We agreed to live this way because it was necessary for him to stay at his present place of employment in order to help finance the project, while I stayed on the land with our animals and supervised the construction.

Exactly one week to the day after the house was finally finished, he announced to me that he wanted to end our marriage, and then later admitted that he is involved with another woman.

My heart is broken, my dreams are crushed, and I now find myself alone in an area that is somewhat risky for a woman, as it is a bit isolated. My mother just passed away, and I have no friends or family here.

My husband continues to come up on the weekends in order to work on unfinished projects. We still make love, and have actually begun to have conversations about our past problems.

He says that this other relationship is serious. I don’t know what to do.
I still love him so much, and he says that he loves me but that be wants to follow another path now.

Can you make any suggestions as to what I should do?

Feeling hopeless, Helene”

My answer:

There’s a French movie I love – “Happily Ever After” about a woman in a similar situation – she decides (perhaps being French has something with her character being able to do this) to hold onto her husband and beat out the mistress, but instead of confronting the mistress or her husband directly, or by trying to win him over in some way – she turns away from him, rents the family a house in the country, and proceeds to create a beautiful life for herself and their child, and, of course, the husband comes along. 

He’s totally re-captivated by this woman who is his wife, who is interesting, is fulfilling herself, is doing what makes her happy and not depending on him for fun and fulfillment, and so he drops his mistress and …happily ever after.

Not every woman wants to do this…most of the time the pain and anger you feel is so huge you can’t even imagine staying with him.  But after many, many years of marriage, you may decide the marriage is worth something, and you want to fight for it. Sometimes you have no options left in the relationship (another movie – “Under The Tuscan Sun”), and yet it sounds like Helene still may have a choice, here.

Helene – Allowing the marriage to be about weekends only for 2 and 1/2 years damaged the marriage. We don’t know yet if the damage is irreversible, though he says it is.

If you want to fight – this is what you have to do: You have to instantly – NOW – turn into a goddess, free spirit, rock star.  I mean this totally.

You must meet men – you have to start flirting, and start having coffee, lunch and dinner with other men.  If you can find a place where there are any men near your new home – do that – if you have to go to the nearest city – do that.

If there is no social life and no men where your house is, then you have a clear choice – your house or your love life.  Get out of the house and move to the city.  Now. You have to turn yourself back into the woman you were when he first fell in love with you – for these last 2 years you’ve been pretty much the caretaker of the country house – there, predictable – and your communication suffered greatly.

The keyword here is FUN.  You have to start having fun in your life right now, and he has to see it and feel it.  You have to out-fun this other woman.  You know him more than she does – you have to win him away by creating excitement and newness – and you can’t do it by trying.  You have to do it for real by changing your own outlook on this whole thing.

Otherwise, just give up, let him go, don’t sleep with him, get a lawyer, sell the house and move on.  I’ll help you with that – but don’t let yourself stay in some middle place, hping things will change.

You have to take your life in your hands, now, and make decisions for your own happiness – with or without him. Amazingly enough, this is the one best way to rescue the marriage!

You are locked in a battle for your life.  He’s just incidental right now – YOU are the star and the heroine of this movie! Build yourself a great story!

Love, Rori

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117 Comments

  1.  #1Karen on September 15, 2008 at 9:57 am

    I totally agree with Rori… I too found her website when my husban decided he did not want to stay married after working out of town and found a “friend” …. I followed Rori’s advice stayed open and soft even when i did not think i could and expressed my true feelings in words that he could hear… not blaming, not being the doormat… NOT calling him….. but when he did call i would be light and mention good times we had together…but i did not wait around for him…. I started dating myself and doing things I wanted to do…. and worked on MYSELF>>>>>> please listen to Rories cd’s and start practicing her advise now! WE are all believing for the best to come to you!



  2.  #2Sue on September 16, 2008 at 8:30 am

    After living through an affair now for 2.5 years…I have to say Rori has the answers…Focus on your own needs and as hard as it is; as scary as it is; you HAVE to get out and build your own life without your husband. Get curious about meeting other men, it will lift your ego and spirits greatly. While I started with Rori’s tools over a year ago and made many good personal changes it wasn’t until I FINALLY stepped out and started dating other men again – not seriously but for fun…That my husband woke up and told me that he didn’t want to loose me. He broke things off with “her” and at this point I am still dating as I told him these men make me feel good and pretty. For now he’s agreed to me dating and our communication has gotten so much better and open its a breath of fresh air. Time will tell of course but I DID IT!!!! I moved on and let go; now he wants ME and our marriage again. I only wish I would have done this sooner vs waiting 2.5 years of riding that emotional roller coaster. Best Wishes cuz I know how hard it is.



  3.  #3Rori Raye on September 16, 2008 at 10:46 am

    Thank you so much, Sue, for your personal story. I’m thrilled for you at how you’ve taken your life in your own hands, and the great results your getting with your man – and all other men! as a bonus.

    I’m especially grateful for your letting us know how Circular Dating did the trick for you. It’s such a challenging concept for all of us – it just instinctively feels like the opposite of what we should do – and yet it’s exactly what we need to do to get our self-esteem and our perspective back, and to move from needy and desperate to confident and unbelievably, amazingly attractive. Then everything gets better…



  4.  #4JoAnn on September 16, 2008 at 3:19 pm

    My husband had an affair with his ex-girlfriend. We had been married for 19 years then. When all was said and done, he realized that she was just using him for a playmate as she is also married and doesn’t want to leave her husband. I did things the hard way. I forgave him, agreeing that I was angry all the time, which pushed him away. And yes, I really was. I was constantly complaining about everything. Worrying about this and that. No fun! My husband says, he was the one that took the wrong step and he saw how devastating it was for me and our kids. He never wants to hurt me like that again. Now I have opened up to having fun, not being so serious all the time. Not worrying about every little thing. I did not go out with anyone else. I stayed by his side and we talked out all of our problems with each other and we are now happy once again. He is now more attentive to me than he has been in a long time. We have now been married for 21 years. I truly hope your marriage works out for you. Keep the Faith!



  5.  #5mimi on September 19, 2008 at 1:34 pm

    It will be a year this October 1 that I discovered my husband of 19 years was falling in love with someone from work. Today I read an email in which he wrote to himself about how he still constantly thinks of her and that he can’t control himself and his feelings. How she is so close, yet so far, a couple of desks away, blah, blah, blah.
    He is not aware that I read this note.
    I am confused because when home he tells me he loves me. I have ordered your program, listened to your cd’s and was feeling pretty good about myself until I read this email. I realize I shouldn’t look but sometimes I do when my intuition tells me something is not quite right. Unfortunately I always find some for of communication with her or about her every time I get these feelings.
    In these difficult economic times my husband can’t just leave his job which would help my anxiety. He knows how uncomfortable I am knowing he works so closely with this woman. He claims he wants to stay with me, talks about plans for the future but he is still dreaming about her.
    I don’t want to push him away but I also am sick of the
    deceit.
    How can I approach talking to my husband about this without pushing him away?
    Should I start looking more at other men and conclude that perhaps we should call it quits?
    I love him but I don’t want to share his love.
    You are very lucky Joann that your husbands words were true when he chose to reconnect with you.
    How should I approach this situation? I need advise! I did go to counseling but can not afford to continue right now. Some support from those out there who have gone through this would be greatly appreciated.
    Thank you.



  6.  #6Rori Raye on September 19, 2008 at 5:50 pm

    Mimi, I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this…and I’ve put up a whole post about it, right here



  7.  #7Carol Anne on September 30, 2008 at 7:19 am

    I’ve been married to my husband for 20 years now and I was happy and I thought he was but then he accussed me of not being honest about relationships that I had before we were married, which upset me and confused me. Then a year later he accussed me of having an affair with one of our employees in our business, which I hadn’t and wasn’t even interested in at all, and then used this as an excuse to leave me and live 5 hours away.

    I was very angry with him and constantly attacked him about what he was saying to me and how he was treating me and of course I just caused more of a problem as I have now learned by reading your ebook, which as helped me understand what I have done, but I’m and still so confused what started all this in the first place, and why he only listens and takes adviced from his friends, and their opinions seem to be always right.

    I asked him to go to counselling with me but his friends advised him against it, so that has not happened. But I now know I have to learn to become more confident in myself, and get out more and socialise and do things for myself as I have spent the last 16 years running our businesses which he has left me running and paying all his bills for his new business which doesn’t make any money, plus paying for his accommodation and everything.

    But I only ever got into business because that was his passion not mine but after that many years I don’t know what my passion in work is, in fact I don’t know what makes me happy anymore, but with your courses it is helping. thanks



  8.  #8Rori Raye on September 30, 2008 at 10:41 am

    Oh – Carol Anne – my heart just goes out to you for having to endure all this pain – and still, I want to say to you – your best life is about to happen! I know – because everything up to now has been about HIM, and he is totally unworthy of you. Please – continue as you’re doing – find your very own special passion in life (not about ANY man) and follow it. If you can develop and run a business – you can do ANYTHING!

    And from there, you’ll attract a much better man and a much better relationship that will allow you to be totally loved and still grow as a woman.

    Please let me know how you’re doing, Love, Rori



  9.  #9Roxanne on October 5, 2008 at 12:49 pm

    I have been in a relationship for over 2 yrs now. He loves me, treats me like a queen. Made commitments to me but continues to sleep over at his x girlfriends saying she is just a x and is doing secretary work only. They split over 4 yrs ago he lives out of town.

    So when here he stays with me 8-15 nites a month and then he also sleeps at her place when not with me. I feel like musical beds. Not too good he says he does not sleep with her or have sex but I question this. He does tell me he loves me not something he tells others. He is a buddist and honest but I did try the dating thing he came in from being with her place an I had a man friend of my sisters I had made plans with going out for the day with. So we all went out an my sister too.

    My love bought me a nice 50 diamond necklace while we were all out and this surprised me I do not know if he did this out of proving I was his to others or if he felt guilty because I made a comment that he was free to do as he wanted he was a free bird an so was I. If he wanted musical beds then so be it. But I would not clip his wings and I too am free.

    This I know hurt him I feel but it was truthful he wants to have all his freedom an still go sleep at other womens places as “friends”. His x is almost 68 yrs old he an I are in our 50’s. He left here after our day an niteout an went back after 11pm to her place.

    He left here angry an stomped out. But he had already said earlier he was going back there. I know I did say infront of others when he said his suitcases were at his office I said your x’s you mean where you had been for the past 2 nites. He did not like that. But I was just letting him know I knew where he had slept after leaving here for the past 9 nites.

    Was this wrong or the dating thing since he had committed to me an we had discussed our relationship prior an I did explain to him I was confused an I needed him to help me understand his need to still sleep over there…when I am justless then a few blocks away. We had a wonderful day an nite I just do not know why he was so angry an left to go back there at 11 pm after our day out an he buying me that georgous diamond necklace? We were all fine an happy was he angry at me or himself or was he just mad because maybe he relaized him being with another woman left me alone for perhaps another man? Did I make a mistake to try to date?
    Please help me



  10.  #10Rori Raye on October 6, 2008 at 10:54 am

    Roxanne, so much here. Do you really mean “diamonds” – as if in he has a lot of money? Is this part of your dynamic – that he has a lot of money?

    And what do you mean by “Commitment”?

    Sounds to me like you’re in the “Girlfriend Trap” – I explain this in the “Blueprint.” I’m going to take a piece of your letter now and jump off to another post, here…



  11.  #11ROXANNE on October 6, 2008 at 6:00 pm

    MY ANSWERS: DIAMOND NECKLACE: this was a 50 stone necklace not big diamonds but such a wonderful art piece. MONEY? I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA i do not know if he has or not. He does wine an dine me, we do have alot of exciting times.He does treat me like a queen that i am..He is such a wonderful sweet person. he loves me so much. He did return this morning we had a good talk and he did not like my free as a bird and musical bed statements i made to him… but i did explain to him he is free and i will not ever clip his wings..at the same time his statement is always” save the last dance for me” at least he knows he is the one i am comming home to an i am who he is comming home to.. well we will see.. no we do not live together. he travels in his work. i do art out of my house.. but with his time here we shine while together and everyone sees how happy he is with me an me too…with him i am like a new person found my other part of my soul. he is like my soul part of me.. This was a magical meeting we had when we first met. There was a big bright light that force me out of the car in front of him while he was walking down the sidewalk one day out of town. I had nothing really to do with it. the force was just there.
    i would never do something like that ever. it was a real shocker to myself an my friends i was with. I do not date like i did when younger. i have my own life retired and artist. I hibernate and do my art work then i get out when i feel the move to do so. But i have since we have been together 3 plus yrs now as dating friends an sleep over but the past 2 i was given his commitment as his number 1 an only..He does not date his work takes him many places and he has the same friends as he has dor 12 yrs he is just friends with. I love him for who he is not what he has or what he does for a living. I really have no idea how much he has financialy or not. i do know he does brag about how he does have a very good life style. but that is not of any intrest to me… This is something all his oterh women friends do to him they just use him for money an what they can get from him.
    i do not..I do with out an not ever let him know if i ever needed anything. I want our relationship to be just how we are and feel inside about eachother..If he contributes by treating me to something nice i am surprised… Like i said this is the first time he did buy me jewelry.. that was a big suprise… and such a sweet thing. It did not cost a fortune but it is very wonderful for me. i am not a exerberant person. i am just living in my own means and i have been a very independent person all my life a self supporter since 14yrs old. and been single for 36 yrs.
    every thng i have i had worked for. I may not have much but i payed for it. This is why this relationship is so different to me. i am not used to a man giving so much and so sweet. I have dated for most of my life but not in the past several years. But i did twice in the past year, because he was gone an i felt like doing something so i did.. not out of revenge or anything just because i could.
    But this day that was planned was not to get back at him.It was a nice day and i wanted to spend it out an not alone.but as you see fate has its way of always bringing us together.but i just do not do relationships and this is my first real one in yrs. I was a girl that would just date and say thanks an leave them. only a couple did i really keep as friends.The rest were just fill ins. but this hit me like a ton of bricks and has i feel so wonderful and full of healing an energy when we are together.. and a real loss an emptyness when he is gone.In fact i sleep so much better with him. This is a first.he gives me my souls purpose i am alive when were together.. an he is too… we become 2 people lit bu a golden light and energy surrounding our body’s enough to move the world if we had to. But your programs seem so set to marriage persons or young persons looking for kids an the white picket fence. i just want to live and have him beside me so i can be his muse an he is mine.Does that make sense? we both inspire each to do more in our lives for the world an persons in it. i do see the modern siren woman cds really good for young persons or those with alot of less self esteem…But this circle dating i am not to sure of.
    i am like a magnet men just attrack then selves to me. this ihas been my whole life.As a police officer, stewardess, sales rep model actress and even as just a mom..Even when i was in bad health. men always just approached me.. i am open to all… bUT IN A REAL RELATIONSHIP ???? I AM SCARED TO DEATH..I have never allowed anotehr one in.. but boy did i make a 360 degree turn with him…And i do not care he is gone or with others i just seem to let this last x girl friend get to me.. i just do not understand the need to sleep there sometimes…. i know he too is unsure an afraid of loosing hisself again to anyone.. but i am under his skin real good. He loves me.. so why am i complaining? i am just also afraid.. living all the time with one i have not done since i was 20 yrs old…38 yrs ago… i have lived all alone. now how is that..HE KNOWS EVERY DETAIL ABOUT ME i never allowed anyone ever in.. but he is under my skin too.. an i want to keep him there it feels good….
    the blueprint program i will check out if you think that is what will help me more then the commitment blue print or is this the same? But the modern siren is good for certain persons not to well aged i think. maybe wrong but i will try to see what else you have to help me
    for i have tried some of the details an not to much change in him or me or if there is i just do not see it.
    but i am his light an he is mine. i am just using the IAM
    THE OXYGEN YOU NEED TO BREATH parts.. and the light house. but any furthere help i would love to know of…. thank you for this web site an the work you seem to be doing for others.. I thank you and i really thank you if it works for me.. because i deffinatly need to know how to do relationships….. and accept him for all his goodness because i am worth it and i am teh queen.. i am his queenie… thank you if i do get him an he does change in the ways you speak of good. i will let you know.. but the necklace wow what a surprise…. and he commng back after not liking my reply of free bird and stuff… he did not like that comment to well.. that i too am a free bird i too have wings to fly…



  12.  #12Gayatri on November 4, 2008 at 3:50 am

    well,presently i am going through a situation but i will never over come this.i mean i will never get a chance to be confident. this is what my story is, i fell in love with a guy who unfortunately expired due to cancer.6 months later, i got married to a guy via matrimonial website. i just accepted him taking in mind that life has to go on. when i started loving my husband, i saw that he has differences for me.i mean we both are Indians, but he is living in Poland since 13 yrs and so i had to come here and live. still i accepted everything and with a hope to start a new and loving life,started working with him in his business.before marriage, he use to tell me that he feels lucky that he is getting married to me, we both will work hand in hand together and live like two body and 1 soul.when i came here,he started giving importance to his secretary. and people pls dont think that i am kind of narrowminded person that i am jealous with that secretary.what a women’s eyes can see, no one can see.she started being rude on me and started doing things that showed that she has soft corner for my husband. with a very open mind i use to talk to my husband on this but like a friend.i always wanted this that the person who becomes my husband should be my best friend too.and i didnt hv any hard feelings for her, she use to think she is a nice female and the way she is acting is just because i know my husband only from 6 months but she knows him from 2 yrs so may be she feels insecure.but one day, she told me something.since i dont know the language,once we were in an exhibition n a guy came and told me somehting in polish.everyone was looking at me, my husband, this secretary and i was looking at my hubby as to what this guy told.he didnt say anything.next moment, this sec translated me what this guy told and it was very controversial.she told me that this guy told that i am looking very sexy and he would like to spend a night with me and i was stunned that during all this my husband remain quite!! i went and spoke with abt this.i think anyone in my place would hv done the same thing.and this my hubby, he tells me that i am lieing and he will go and ask that secr. next morning, this secretary changed and told my husband she told nothing like this.she was shouting on me in front of my husband!! my husband supported her not me. so you guys see, what am i going thru. day in and day out i see him calling to her, talking in a very nice way,talking her extra,i mean what man on Earth can be behave so good with a person who has insulted his wife.more than that he believes her.i am an Indian, my family thinks that i am happy here.i cant break their heart and leave this man.i am still working with him. because in poland, i cannot get a job since i dont know the language. learning a foreign language is not that easy.i still work iwth him and anything happens, he starts taunting me that i am taking out my grudge. so i dont know what has God decided for me. i feel ignored all the time. they chat, they sms each other. so you guys see now….i hv lost my self respect in front that stupid secretary who works in my office and without any fault of mine i am alread going through this humiliation, add to it my husband is supporting her.even inher absence, when we talk abt this, he supports her! i mean she should be the most lucky person on this Earth that a person is supporting her even in her absence. i just dont know the reason!! i mean i cant bear anyone whom i know doesnt respects my husband. how can he!! i dont know, i came here in an unknown country only because of him.i dont know what wrong did i do… now at present, i really want to act like a bitch. still am working and living with my husband, hiding all my feelings inside. i feel cheated. i feel cheated that after all i am suffering and my husband who claims to love has done nothing about this humiliation of mine. it shows that he doesnt cares about my self respect. each i feel so depressed that i amliving under this humiliation. i cant bear it. is he selfish that he cares only about his work and he cares nothing about my self respect? is THIS love? he is just keep on doing his work and this humiliation doesnt matters him at all!! with no fault of mine i am suffering. that secretary lied, and she is still working with her head held high!! what would you all do if you were in my place?i can win this situation and get my self respect back by playing some politics in work since we all three work together. the only thing is she is in our other office and me and husband works together in other office which is in a seperate city. i dont know all these office politics and so i am fool that i agree but pls folks tell me what politics shall i play to win my husband’s trust and prove what a b**** is she . pls help. this is very important for me because i dont have any other way. i cant live like this anymore.



  13.  #13Tawna on November 7, 2008 at 1:52 am

    Hi Rori,

    I am writing because I think I may have just really screwed things up with my husband. We are currently separated and actually living in different states. He is in school in Georgia and has asked me to move down there so we can give this another shot. I do want to move there, but may have just blown my opportunity.
    I had been using your tools and they were working great. Then this happened: My husband called me very excited with plans for me to move there. He spent most of the conversation talking about this. He then told me that he and a female class mate were taking a road trip for pictures (he is in a photography univeristy) to see one of his friends for the weekend. He assured me that I had nothing to worry about. But I am not comfortable with this. I e-mailed him to tell him that I am not comfortable and that this is a boundary I can not look past for my own self-respect. I also told him that I do trust him, I just do not feel that is something a married man should do. He has not returned a message and did not return the phone message. Then I e-mailed again tonight apologizing for being upset and told him that I do trust him. I am wondering how to work through this so we can work out our marriage, while still letting him know that this is a boundary I feel very strongly about.

    Tawna



  14.  #14Rori Raye on November 7, 2008 at 7:34 pm

    Tawna – You’re looking at this in one way, and there are several.

    You are separated. That means you are free to date whoever you want. Both you AND him.

    I can’t believe this woman is any more than a “friend” – which means he’s not “into her” in the way he seems to be “into” you. And if he were, you’d find out when you got there.

    Going there to SEE him, to VISIT him, to BE with him – to start fresh – is WAY different than MOVING down there as though it’s a done deal.

    If you look at it that way – you’re just going down there to see what’s up.

    If you look at it another way – forget the rule of “Boundaries” – if it feels crappy to you, then perhaps you’re better off without him.

    If it were me – I’d go down there and see what’s what and practice the Tools on him before I made a final decision. Love, Rori



  15.  #15Sasha on November 10, 2008 at 6:33 am

    Why do men always need companion? Why most men cheat? They are just the ones who can not be faithful.
    does divorce really work out? how about children’s feelings? will they understand the situation their parents had?



  16.  #16Karen on November 11, 2008 at 9:31 am

    Tawna,
    I totally agree with Rori…. Take it one step and one day at a time…. he was honest with you telling you about this woman…. so check it out …. I believe you will know by how you feel when you’re with him….for a visit…. keep using your feeling messages…. when i got back together with my husband I told him the same thing…. if we are going to be together committed in marriage … there will be no other women going on overnite trips etc. together… that was against my boundaries also…
    but that will be discussed in the future… right now you are working at expressing your feelings in words that he can hear and that will draw him to you….iF THAT is what you want to do…..i truly believe YOU CAN HAVE THE RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT>……. evidently he does care and wants you there with him…. but as Rori says you do have wants and desires and A LIFE outside of him too…. you have to think about what makes you happy….hope to hear a good report! karen



  17.  #17Gayatri on November 11, 2008 at 9:39 am

    well any comments on my post?
    i really need help!



  18.  #18Tawna on November 12, 2008 at 2:46 am

    Thanks for your advice. He still has not called me. I have not called him (practicing leaning back). I am working on using feeling messages, which is new for me and quite difficult. I am starting to feel anxious, a feeling I did not have after practicing the tools. I think part of my anxiousness is because I moved back to my home town when we were supposed to be moving to Georgia together. I did this because we were in a negative holding pattern that needed to stop. Since being here I have joined a yoga class and a dance class, which is helping my self-esteem. I do want to work this out. Any thoughts on whether or not I should call him or continue “leaning back”?



  19.  #19Gayatri on November 12, 2008 at 3:01 am

    Dear Rori,
    please help me.
    after reading all the posts here, i have dared to post my situtation. i will really appreciate if i get any suggestions.
    well,presently i am going through a situation but i will never over come this.i mean i will never get a chance to be confident. this is what my story is, i fell in love with a guy who unfortunately expired due to cancer.6 months later, i got married to a guy via matrimonial website. i just accepted him taking in mind that life has to go on. when i started loving my husband, i saw that he has differences for me.i mean we both are Indians, but he is living in Poland since 13 yrs and so i had to come here and live. still i accepted everything and with a hope to start a new and loving life,started working with him in his business.before marriage, he use to tell me that he feels lucky that he is getting married to me, we both will work hand in hand together and live like two body and 1 soul.when i came here,he started giving importance to his secretary. and people pls dont think that i am kind of narrowminded person that i am jealous with that secretary.what a women’s eyes can see, no one can see.she started being rude on me and started doing things that showed that she has soft corner for my husband. with a very open mind i use to talk to my husband on this but like a friend.i always wanted this that the person who becomes my husband should be my best friend too.and i didnt hv any hard feelings for her, she use to think she is a nice female and the way she is acting is just because i know my husband only from 6 months but she knows him from 2 yrs so may be she feels insecure.but one day, she told me something.since i dont know the language,once we were in an exhibition n a guy came and told me somehting in polish.everyone was looking at me, my husband, this secretary and i was looking at my hubby as to what this guy told.he didnt say anything.next moment, this sec translated me what this guy told and it was very controversial.she told me that this guy told that i am looking very sexy and he would like to spend a night with me and i was stunned that during all this my husband remain quite!! i went and spoke with abt this.i think anyone in my place would hv done the same thing.and this my hubby, he tells me that i am lieing and he will go and ask that secr. next morning, this secretary changed and told my husband she told nothing like this.she was shouting on me in front of my husband!! my husband supported her not me. so you guys see, what am i going thru. day in and day out i see him calling to her, talking in a very nice way,talking her extra,i mean what man on Earth can be behave so good with a person who has insulted his wife.more than that he believes her.i am an Indian, my family thinks that i am happy here.i cant break their heart and leave this man.i am still working with him. because in poland, i cannot get a job since i dont know the language. learning a foreign language is not that easy.i still work iwth him and anything happens, he starts taunting me that i am taking out my grudge. so i dont know what has God decided for me. i feel ignored all the time. they chat, they sms each other. so you guys see now….i hv lost my self respect in front that stupid secretary who works in my office and without any fault of mine i am alread going through this humiliation, add to it my husband is supporting her.even inher absence, when we talk abt this, he supports her! i mean she should be the most lucky person on this Earth that a person is supporting her even in her absence. i just dont know the reason!! i mean i cant bear anyone whom i know doesnt respects my husband. how can he!! i dont know, i came here in an unknown country only because of him.i dont know what wrong did i do… now at present, i really want to act like a bitch. still am working and living with my husband, hiding all my feelings inside. i feel cheated. i feel cheated that after all i am suffering and my husband who claims to love has done nothing about this humiliation of mine. it shows that he doesnt cares about my self respect. each i feel so depressed that i amliving under this humiliation. i cant bear it. is he selfish that he cares only about his work and he cares nothing about my self respect? is THIS love? he is just keep on doing his work and this humiliation doesnt matters him at all!! with no fault of mine i am suffering. that secretary lied, and she is still working with her head held high!! what would you all do if you were in my place?i can win this situation and get my self respect back by playing some politics in work since we all three work together. the only thing is she is in our other office and me and husband works together in other office which is in a seperate city. i dont know all these office politics and so i am fool that i agree but pls folks tell me what politics shall i play to win my husband’s trust and prove what a b**** is she . pls help. this is very important for me because i dont have any other way. i cant live like this anymore.



  20.  #20Tawna on November 12, 2008 at 3:03 am

    Gayatri,

    I do understand your feelings because I have had similar feelings in the past. I can only tell you what I learned from my mistakes. Your husband most likely feels your “vibes”, your pent up frustrations. This may be a time for you to lean back and focus on you. This will help you to take the focus off of this situation and will give the vibe of confidence. It is unfortunate that his secretary lied to him. But you can not change her actions, you can only control your responses. Focus on you, this may help your husband to find you even more sexy.
    I think that perhaps he did not confront the man on what he said because he is proud that you are beautiful and sexy. He is proud that YOU are his wife and that other men continue to admire you. Good luck!



  21.  #21Gayatri on November 12, 2008 at 3:28 am

    Dear Tawna,

    Thanks for the feedback. good to see something for me.
    i also want to tell this to you- its not about this small incident. the next day when we discussed this in the office and when that secr lied, she was yelling at me and my husband did nothing. he only supported her. more than that, my husband lied to me. he tells me that after the man came, my husband translated all to me abt what that guy told. which was a lie, otherwise why would have i asked this secr. yes i have problem with that secr but more than that its my husband who belives her not me.after this she stopped talking to me and more than that even i dont want to talk toher. then after 6 months, all of a sudden she behaves well with me and talks as if nothing happened. in between the months when we were not talking this incident happened- my husband asked me to design his company’s website for which he told me to give that secr to translate in polish because we want it in two languages. so now i tried to act mature and since it was abt my company so i clearly asked her that her suggestions would be appreciated. after getting this email, she writes a secret email to my husband telling him that she thinks the language is not good and she can write better. and look at my husband- he did nothing abt this. i happen to check his emails and i was so angry.then i sat for a while and wrote her a mature email abt this that she doesnt has to by pass me and i already told her that her suggestions are welcomed. my husband knows all abt this. she could answer me back.my husband says- yes he knows that its her fault but we cant do anything, we have to bear because she does our work. so in future everytime she will do something like this and i willhv to bear because she works. then its better that i dont work for him, what kind of man is he? he doesnt gives me any money for whatever work i do.and if i dont work, his company will close. i am not trying tobe proud here, i amnot asking him to give me salary but all i am asking is to give me some respect and love. if in a meeting, i speak in between and try to give my suggestions he willthink i am interupting but if in my place, if she would have been there, her suggestions would have been appreciated.today he has beaten me like an animal without any reason.this place is too small to tell youwhat happened because he beat me. he has banged my head on the walls sobadly that i have blood in my eyes. and there was no reason to beat me. there are no feelings in myheart for him. i am not asking much except for some respect. he claims he loves me but love and respect goes hand in hand.



  22.  #22Karen on November 12, 2008 at 8:19 am

    Tawna,
    I do not think you should call him at this point in time…. maybe you can e-mail with feeling messages what you are feeling about the situation: but i would make it short and to the point…. affirm that you DO want your marriage to work and you realize that you do have to do some work on yourself also… of which you are already doing….I went through a period of almost a MONTH before my estranged husband contacted me….. Like Rori says you have to give him space and sometimes a little time to miss you…. and while you are dating/flirting you are building your own self esteem and knowing that you make the choices to be happy and self fulfilled our men can not do this FOR us ….. it is something we choose to do together….You know you are going to make it NO matter what!!! but you don’t want him to come back to the same things the same way they were before…..you are going to be different in a way better way…. yes open and loving but with boundaries and looking after yourself first and what feels good for you…..please keep reading Rori’s posts…. she is constantly coming up with things that move us forward…. and know that you are a GIft from GOD and precious…..and you can learn to say not only what feels good to you but also what YOU DON’T want… not blaming your man or making him feel bad but just stating what you don’t want in your life….. I had to learn how to do this and not just sit there and stuff MY feelings down….I am pulling for you! Keep up the good work….



  23.  #23Tawna on November 12, 2008 at 10:57 am

    Thank you Karen! It is nice to talk with other people who have been through similar situations. I am almost re-learning how to focus on me again. And, the funny thing is, before we split up he told me he wanted me to find classes or something to do for just me. And when I did this after the split, he began calling more often, until now. I will continue to focus on me right now and continue to read the posts. I will e-mail him a feeling message and then lean back.
    You are a great help…..thank you.



  24.  #24Tawna on November 12, 2008 at 11:06 am

    Gayatri,

    This bit of advice I am about to give you is honest because I have been in an abusive relationship before. You need to leave your husband because you are in a dangerous situation. He does not respect you or anyone else. A man who hits his wife is a man all about control. I am assuming that if he hits you he also calls you names. This will only lower your self-esteem. I also “happened to check” e-mails when I was in a similar situation. I did this because after all the names I had been called I felt very insecure. Have you thought about separating for a while? Please look after your safety FIRST because he is not doing this for you. The man you are with should be your protecter from unsafe situations, not the cause of them.



  25.  #25Gayatri on November 12, 2008 at 11:22 am

    Tawna,

    Thanks for understanding me. I really appreciate you for this.
    but think for a while, is seperating the only option? he was the person who looked after me like a child. all of a sudden because of this secretary i am the person he hates the most.this is the 5th time he has beaten me and this time its a limit. yes i dont see love for me in his eyes since very starting. but he claims that he loves and he aplogised for he did to me. is breaking with him the only remedy? its an important decision of my life.i love him but he doesnt cares i know for sure. what about my family what will they think? i come from an Indian family. if breaking up is really a worth then i will break up. he use to care abt me but now things hv changed. i am scared if i seperate i dont want to repent. is any way to make him realise that what he is doing is wrong and i could show him the real picture of that secretary? presently she it seems she is playing games. in Poland, its a rule that after office hours no one picks up calls regarding work. but nowadays, this sec is working late in the night for my husband. strangely!!! may be she is upto make her impression on my husband and put me down in his eyes. i dont know really what to do! he says he knows that what she has done is wrong but he has never spoken a word against her. is breaking up the only option? i dont know. or shall i go ahead like this? ye



  26.  #26Tawna on November 12, 2008 at 1:30 pm

    Karen,

    After sending a simple feeling message my husband did write back, so that part is working. His message was short and lacking enthusiasm. He told me “I am not sure about you flying out here yet. My class is taking a field/road trip in December for at least 2 weeks”. I wrote back that we had time to figure it out and that I am trying to look at my options during this time (Karen, I have not yet decided if I should look for a temporary or full time job because of our circumstances). I ended it with “a class road trip sounds like fun. We have time”. He is a lot colder than what he was before the past weekend trip…



  27.  #27Gayatri on November 12, 2008 at 1:47 pm

    Tawna,
    After reading your this post(the one that you messaged him and he replied) , if i send my husband any emails or any such message, he will hardly bother to reply me back.
    all these love letters or sweet caring messages, means nothing to him.



  28.  #28Karen on November 12, 2008 at 3:32 pm

    Tawna,
    You did what you felt was the right thing to do….
    Now let it lie and you must wait for him to contact you…. this is going to be the most frustrating and hard part of all…. but remember you are living your life for you and you can and will do it with or without him…..
    but i do believe the most important thing right now is to not push him away by contacting him and making demands or asking ANY questions…. just be open to him when he calls….. cause he will…… and just keep listening to the Rori programs and practicing on everyone!



  29.  #29Karen on November 12, 2008 at 3:39 pm

    Tawna,
    after reading your post again, I can tell you that he is dissappointed because you did not immediately jump to what HE thought you should do…..but that is OK…. he has to realize that he wants YOU to be happy…. and then both of you can work on being happy together…
    This will take time…. sometimes it is hard for us women to stand up for what we want and not feel like we have to sacrifice all for “the cause”….. so again you may have to have talks with yourself and keep telling yourself what a special gift you truly are…..



  30.  #30Tawna on November 12, 2008 at 5:20 pm

    Karen

    This is the last e-mail my husband sent me. I am not sure what is going on because a week ago he was talking about me moving there and us getting an apartment…

    “I think you should definitely get a job in Alaska and we’ll see how it goes. I don’t have time or desire to go through any changes right now, we are totally slammed by assignments (2 weeks left before critique), plus I’m looking for a job, working on my website and portfolio book.”

    I am shocked because he was just asking me to move there and was trying to get out of his lease so we could get an apartment. He had time to go on a weekend road trip and now does not want me to move there. I don’t get it…
    Should I wait for him to contact me again. I did not reply to his e-mail.



  31.  #31Rori Raye on November 12, 2008 at 6:01 pm

    Gayatri – I just now saw your post. Please answer me – is it normal and expected in your culture to allow a man to beat you physically? Because it is not acceptable in the United States, it is against the law, it is evil, it is punishable by prison time, and you MUST GET OUT OF THERE!!!!

    Please call your local hot line for abused women. You can find it online, in the phone book, by calling the police – nearly anywhere. Do what they tell you to do. At least listen to them. If you have to go to a shelter, go. If you can throw him out of the house, do it. If he hits you again, call the police. I’m absolutely serious.

    Chellie Campbell is a very well known financial expert – and she was born in America and was a battered wife. She talks about how she turned that around.

    I’m guessing that the only reason you’re even asking about any of this is that your family would hold YOU responsible for your husband hitting you? This is wrong, and you must talk to people here who can clear up your ideas of what is acceptable and tolerable.

    NO ONE has a right to assault another human being (and in my world – no being at all),

    I do not want to hear about your feelings for him, or your hopes. He is a BAD MAN. GET AWAY NOW, and get protection from him!!! Love, Rori



  32.  #32Tawna on November 13, 2008 at 12:02 am

    Gayatri,

    I know that this is very scary for you. However, I must tell you that it is important for you to leave and find a safe place to go. Your husband may never see that he is doing anything wrong, and unfortunately, because he has chosen you to be his punching bag, he WILL NOT listen to what you have to say. There is a great book called “The Verbally Abusive Man :Can he change?” by Patricia Evans. This book does not look at the physical abuse, but gives wonderful insight and affirmations for any victim of violence. I think this will help you. Please talk to your friends and research local women’s shelters. I am willing to bet that this started out verbally, then increased to physical. I am also willing to bet that the time between him being loving to you and him hitting you is getting shorter. This is a commen pattern of abusers and it is about CONTROL. He will not change unless he sees that he is doing something wrong and I do not think that he will. He has most likely been abusive in past relationships and will be in future relationships.
    Also, it may be helful to google “abusive relationship”. I did this for a long time and it helped me. He has taken away your self confidence in order to keep you there as his punching bag. You are a GOOD PERSON. Please follow Rori’s advice. I know it is scary and difficult, but it is necessary.



  33.  #33Tawna on November 13, 2008 at 12:05 am

    Rori,

    I am beginning to feel very uneasy in my current situation. Is this the right time to lean back? If not, do you have any suggestions?
    Thank you to all of you. This helps me tremendously!



  34.  #34Gayatri on November 13, 2008 at 1:02 am

    Dear Rori & Tawna,
    Thanks a lot for your caring.
    my family knows all about me and they have been very supportive to me.
    but this is a big decision of my life. is leaving him the only option?
    i just dont want to make repentive decisions. yes after leaving him i can go to India and work and be independent but my heart doesnt allows me. i dont know what to do. i am really confused, my heart doesnt allows me to take this decisions just like that.
    is leaving him the only best i can do? cant our relation be good as before?



  35.  #35Rori Raye on November 13, 2008 at 12:45 pm

    Gayatri, Did you read my reply? GET OUT OF THERE!!! Yes, this is the ONLY solution. He’s BAD. A man who hits you will NEVER be anything but a brute without serious intervention and a personal desire to reform himself – and this is NOT YOUR MAN! He does not care. GO!!!! Get professional help immediately. This is how women get seriously hurt. I’m so sorry that you believe this kind of abuse is normal, and I want you to know it’s not. It has nothing to do with love or not love. It has to do with mental illness.

    I will not answer you again about this, except to be gratified to hear you’ve taken care of yourself. Love, Rori



  36.  #36Tawna on November 14, 2008 at 3:27 am

    Gayatri,

    I do think that you leaving is the best choice. No, it is not your only choice. Your other choice is to stay with a man who does not respect you. If you were to do this NOTHING will get better. It will only get WORSE. Your family sounds supportive. Once you are in a safe and loving environment you will feel the difference in you. Right now this is dangerous, hurtful, and scary.
    If you want to be happy in your life and safe, leaving is the best choice. Please LEAVE for your emotional and physical safety.



  37.  #37Tawna on November 16, 2008 at 4:41 pm

    Rori and Karen,

    Do either of you have a suggestion on which program could most benefit me in my current situation?

    Thank you!



  38.  #38Karen Roche on November 17, 2008 at 9:49 am

    Tawna,
    I have read several GREAT BOOKS by Susan Paige (I think that is how to spell her last name)…. She writes some of the same principles Rori uses but more geared for us married people…….I will get the list together and e-mail you the titles and the correct way to spell her last name…. I ordered mine off of Amazon .com for next to nothing…. they were slightly used….. She writes about situations like ours…. and practical things to do…. and feeling messages etc….. THEY ARE GREAT HELPS>>>>
    hope to hear from you soon….



  39.  #39Rori Raye on November 17, 2008 at 10:47 am

    Hi – thank you for this reference to Susan Page – she has an approach to relationship that’s spiritually based on “focusing on yourself.” The way I differ from her is this – for me, her “loving” approach works beautifully if you’re a woman with a reasonable amount of self-esteem. And, for many of us – the problem is just that – such a serious lack of self-esteem and low degree of difficulty, that we substitute “loving” behaviors, giving, understanding, nice and sweet behaviors for the behaviors that actually create ATTRACTION. Some of her examples and solutions actually make me want to scream, though the idea is lovely. This is how we Overfunction, end up stuffing down our feelings for fear they are not “loving,” miss the truly creative ways to Reconnect to our men, and essentially push a man away. There is much in here that is valuable and helpful, and works beautifully with my Tools. If you find her work helpful, let me know…Love, Rori



  40.  #40Tawna on November 17, 2008 at 11:02 am

    Thank you Rori and Karen,

    I am going to also order these books. I am continuing to listen to the cd’s from the Have The Relationship You Want CD’s. This is helping me. You guys are a great support!



  41.  #41Tawna on November 17, 2008 at 11:03 am

    Gayatri,

    How are you doing? I hope that you are safe. Please check in with me and the others so we know you are not hurt…..

    Tawna



  42.  #42Gayatri on November 17, 2008 at 12:08 pm

    i really dont know whats wrong i cant send any comments, it gives me errors



  43.  #43Gayatri on November 17, 2008 at 1:07 pm

    Hello Tawna,
    Thanks a lot for asking. i hv to send one sentence at a time, there is some problem. you guys are such wonderful people.



  44.  #44Gayatri on November 17, 2008 at 1:13 pm

    things aint good with me but he has not beaten me. the reason is, i spoke with him abt this and i told him that i felt bad abt what he did.



  45.  #45Gayatri on November 17, 2008 at 1:13 pm

    but it doesnt makes him any difference. because he is not sorry for what he has done. and to be frank with you, i told him abt this blog due to which he will never beat me again.



  46.  #46Gayatri on November 18, 2008 at 8:19 am

    also, i have decided that i will not leave him.because leaving will be running away and be a coward. i dont want to run away specially from the person i love. he is wrong but i dont hv the heart to leave him.yes you all might be very mad at me but i really dont hv the heart to leave him. let see what happens.
    i will for sure keep posted to all. but i feel blessed that i am a part of this blog.



  47.  #47Gayatri on November 18, 2008 at 8:25 am

    right now its like a cold war. we dont talk much and he doesnt leaves any chance to taunt me. still i am trying to keep my cool and see what happens.i will not react no matter what.



  48.  #48Gayatri on November 18, 2008 at 8:30 am

    he has been living from his family alone here in poland since 14 yrs. he has not been attached emotionally with any female here, physically yes. more than that, his family here in India, they are not so close to each other. they hv differences for each other. may these are the reasons that he behaves such.



  49.  #49Tawna on November 18, 2008 at 10:47 pm

    Gayatri,

    Please look up abuse cycles on the internet. You will learn what the cycle is and you will recognize this cycle in your own life. I will not judge you for either staying or going because I do know how difficult it is. But, do keep reading about abuse in order to keep a realistic view of what is happening in your life. I know that there are times that he is very loving. This is how he keeps you hooked, even when things are bad. Please continue to educate yourself in all of this….



  50.  #50sandy cook on November 19, 2008 at 11:05 am

    Hi Rori,
    I need your help…
    I feel very depressed right now. my husband and i have been married for almost three years we both have a child from a previous marrage and we have two children together 6yr old boy and 5 month old girl.

    The problem is i do not feel like he loves me… he never talks to me… i try and talk to him nut he never listens to me.. if he is watchingTV, playing Xbox, or on the computer they are more impotant to him then i am.

    when i first met him i was a go getter had lots of friends… liked myself… and now… look at me i hate myself i dont think i can ever like me or love me. i am so miserable… I just want him to treat me better… love me … show me.. his action’s say he cant stand being around me…. he hurts my feelings everyday…. i dont know what to do…. i hate m y life!



  51.  #51Rori Raye on November 19, 2008 at 11:52 am

    Sandy, Welcome – and I know you’re going to be amazed at the great help you’re going to get here from all of us…

    I will not be the only one here saying that you’ve answered your own question, which is “How do I get back to the girl I was “go getter…liked myself…” And your own answer is – “Do what I was doing then…”

    So the Tools that will lead you in the direction of yourself, your self-esteem and your personal fulfillment – which has NOTHING to do with HIM – are the Tools you need to get yourself started.

    If you don’t have my ebook – start there, at least, so you can understand what we’re working on here and make the most use of the advice you’re going to get here. So many of the great women on this site are becoming or already are “gurus” themselves, so take it all in and learn from them, follow along with the Tools they’re using, get the programs they recommend…and I’ll keep posting to help with specifics. Love, Rori



  52.  #52Gayatri on November 19, 2008 at 1:02 pm

    hello Rore,
    how are you?
    i know you are mad at me for the decision i took.
    but i feel blessed that i am among the people who dont know me still they care abt me.



  53.  #53Tawna on November 21, 2008 at 12:22 pm

    Sandy,

    I am in a similar situation as yours and I understand how difficult it is. Rori is right about doing what you love to do for yourself. It will help you to find you again. I am beginning to do this and it is helpful. It is important to remain who we are as individuals. If you find you again I am sure that your husband’s interest will be peaked.



  54.  #54Tawna on November 21, 2008 at 12:38 pm

    Karen,

    I have not spoken with my husband since the 2nd. He has e-mailed me, but mostly to talk about logistics. He is currently completing a final project for his class, but I am surprised by his lack of calling. Is this “normal” behavior? I continue to do my yoga and dance classes and spending time with old friends. But his behavior is somewhat strange.



  55.  #55Tawna on November 30, 2008 at 1:00 pm

    Rori and Karen,

    I am hoping to get some help with what is taking place right now in my relationship. I think what I am going through will sound familiar to a lot of people.
    My husband called on Thanksgiving. We talked about me possibly moving to be with him. We had a nice calm conversation about the fact that it may be difficult for us because he is incredibly busy. We also talked about some of the things we will each not allow to happen again. Mine was that I would not stay if he called names when he gets angry. He does this often because this is how he was raised. I told him that I feel hurt and sad when he does this. My husband did not see anything wrong with it and shut down for a few minutes of the conversation. I was able to bring him back to the conversation using feeling messages. He ended by telling me he would call me at 10 the next morning. I has been 2 days and he still has not called. I am leaning back because he said that he would call. But, I am concerned because he does not understand why name calling and not calling when he said he would is not ok. I do not feel that I am being unreasonable by setting the boundary of no name calling or by expecting him to call when he said he would (or at least call to apologize for not doing it). Am I right by not calling?



  56.  #56Tawna on December 15, 2008 at 3:54 pm

    Rori,

    I am wondering if you can tell me what order I should follow for your programs. I have the “Reconnect Your Relationship” program, and am not sure which one I should use next. My situation is still the same, if not a little worse since my last post. My husband is distancing himself more and more. He has not called when he said he would. He also has gone 3 weeks without initiating calls or e-mails. During our last conversation he told me that he thought I should stay where I am until we have both saved money for when/if I move to be with him. He commented that this may be another 6 months or so. At that point we would have been apart for 9 months. I do agree with your and Karen’s previous advice of visiting him first. This will have to wait until either one of us has the money to fly. I think right now we are both focusing on ourselves and not being stressed. Prior to our separation we had returned from over seas, at which time my mother passed away and my brother was diagnosed with heart failure. To add to that we discovered that we need to see a specialist due to the possibility of not being able to conceive. Needless to say, we were very stressed and depressed. Now that we are separated I think we are both finding ourselves again. I am not sure what to do next in your program. Could you offer a suggestion for me please?

    Thanks!
    Tawna



  57.  #57Rori Raye on December 15, 2008 at 6:23 pm

    Tawna – do you have the ebook? Really, really work with that – and then the next program is definitely Modern Siren…it will get you together and feeling and being attractive. Love, Rori



  58.  #58Tawna on December 15, 2008 at 10:48 pm

    Rori,

    I do not have the e-book. I actually do not have my own computer to download onto. Do you also sell hard copies? I would love to get this book!



  59.  #59Maria on December 26, 2008 at 7:59 am

    Gayatri,

    l dated indian men for 2 years, whose sister was arranged to another indian, living in States. That marriage turned out to be one of the abusive ones, and now as far as l recall there is a court case going on with children, cos as the father has more power, children are in US and not with her mother. Mother decided to go back to UK, but with a lot of support from their family.
    Now as long as you do not have children think about it, it is better for you at the moment to take any action regarding to your better life. You may feel that you are weak and you depend of your husband, cos you brought way over to India. That is why the helping centre is about – they work out all the details, cos most of the time, the women, who stay in that situation are unable to help themselves.
    l can almost feel what you may feel, and l do not know how to advice you to get the -relevation point-of your situation and escape from it, cos you deepest desire is to work it out with your husband and you have the hope that there is a better solution. My best advice is to actually be aware of yourself, your beauty, your power and you see that there is actually many many many choises for you (and lm not only talking about men at the moment, but being independent)
    just let me know how it is going.
    Maria



  60.  #60Gayatri on December 26, 2008 at 10:38 pm

    Dear Maria,

    thanks a lot. felt good to see something for me on this post.right now my husband has changed a lot.you all are very right. but i am very positive abt our relation.i spoke with my husband a lot and he listens to me.you know what i did- i made him read the posts on this website and he realizes what i feel.he apologizes from the core of his heart for what he did.he has changed a lot., he cares for me now still i am aware.what i have discovered is- since 14 years he has been living alone without his family and so he doesnt know that family members should be treated with pride and respect. his family in India- even they are not attached with each other,everyone has differences for one another.so i have to teach him the emotional bond with the family members.i did what my common sense told me.i have seen love for me in his eyes because of which i was even able to dare to do all this. all the best for everything, i will keep everyone posted on this blog.thanks for all the support to everyone.



  61.  #61Maria on January 6, 2009 at 10:12 am

    Oh God, this is so good to hear and l wish u all the best. l am so glad to hear, cos as l said that it is just the right solution for your marriage to get bonded again.



  62.  #62Tawna on January 12, 2009 at 1:07 am

    Hi,

    I have been trying to start circular dating, and have been doing this through a dating website. I am feeling pretty good with this, but at times I also feel very stuck. It seems that after a few conversations online I no longer know what to say. This is difficult for me because the person is not there physically. I went out on one date, but I did not feel attracted to the person. Is this “normal” for online dating? Is there a way to feel more natural when doing this?

    I am continuing to talk with my husband, but I am confused about where I am at with us. I do not feel like he is feeling “it” for us or for me at this time.

    Anyone have any thoughts?



  63.  #63Sara on August 5, 2009 at 9:57 am

    I am in a terrible place right now. I am in love with a toxic man, and don’t know what to do about it. He has a fetish, and it rules his life. I do this for him all the time, but it is still not enough. I found out he is now meeting other women in secret to do his fetish and lying to me about it, saying he is working late. Now, he takes care of himself during this, so there is no sex going on, but the fact that he is meeting these women is killing me. He is just really selfish. I do love him, but am incrediably betrayed and hurt, as he promised me he would never see anyone else. We are not married, but we do live together. We’ve been together 15 months. Alot of times we are together, he is nice and sweet, but then sometimes he is not. I don’t know how to tell him I know about this, because I found out by looking at his email. I am afraid to confront him, but I know it needs to be done, as I can’t live like this anymore; I am always jealous and paranoid. I want him to change and not do this anymore so we can be happy, but I don’t think its possible. I am afraid to leave.
    Thanks



  64.  #64Rori Raye on August 5, 2009 at 10:31 am

    Sara, Welcome, and thank you for your heartfelt comment. I wish I could be with you in person, take you by the shoulders, shake you, hug you, and help you get a sense of yourself. You are lost in a sea of toxicity – this one man is just the “agent” you “hired” to hit you over the head and inject you with poison. It’s YOU poisoning yourself…and we have to work really hard here to get you some self-respect and self-love, and I know you are in the right place with all these fantastic women. (I’m always very tough with this at first…so you can SEE what’s going on, because your tolerance for punishment is so high, I have to really go heavy-handed here, so sorry, but it’s the only way I’ve experienced that works — “tough love.”)

    You must dump this man, now, forever, and do not look back. Period.
    Now, it’s easy for me, a friend, a family member, a counselor to tell you that…but I want you to listen here.
    The fetish isn’t the problem. Everyone’s got something going on, it’s a matter of the basics of relationship – loyalty, attraction, feeling good.
    You CANNOT be IN LOVE with a man who lies to you. You BELIEVE you are – but you’re wrong.
    You’re ADDICTED to him. You are like a junkie — and not just for love, but for punishment.
    I know you must have a seriously painful childhood behind you, with lying, abuse, distrust, pain…and THIS is what we must address. You are staying with this man to KEEP yourself from dealing with what’s really underneath, and as you peel back the layers of how you’ve been protecting yourself from inner pain by heaping MORE pain on yourself…things will get clearer.
    I hope you can find an excellent therapist who will help you…until then…please read EVERYTHING on this blog, in my newsletters, and anywhere you can find about increasing your self-esteem. that is your work right now. This man is NOTHING. He is NOTHING to you. I’m telling you the truth…please consider what life would be like if you believed what I’ve written here. What I want for you is HOPE – but a different kind…not hope for this relationship, this man, but for your LIFE. You are in a position now in which you must stand tall and RESCUE your own life. Love, Rori

    Oh – this is so powerful, I feel compelled to write so much here, I’m going to turn your question and this answer into a post…



  65.  #65elizabeth on August 27, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    ok here we go…..i dont know how to handle this situation in my life right now. i have been married for 3 years and have a 2yr old daughter with my husband. for the past 4 months we have been going through a rollercoaster of emotions. he came home one day saying that he did not love me anymore and wanted a divorce. to make a long story short we went to counseling and a marriage retreat which helped. now fast forward and last night i asked him again if he loved me and he said he needs more time to fall in love again. i cried my eyes out in front of him. he just sat there quietly and did not know what to say. he did say however that he has not left me because he cares about me and the family. he wants to try and issue an opportunity to “us”. i dont know if to believe him. i am sad, depressed, and longing for him to love me like the way that he did 1 year ago.
    i think that i am weak and cry way to much…and at times cater to much to him. i wonder if by being rude and indifferent will i get a response? i am young and pretty and i know this because everyone says that i could do better…but i truely love my husband. i just dont know until when. i dont want to end up hating him for using this time period to his advantage…..i just want my romeo back…help me deal with this and give me words of encouragement. i would like to know how to have him chasing me and not me beggin for love. thanks



  66.  #66Rori Raye on August 29, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    Elizabeth – Welcome, and I’m so sorry – my heart goes out to you — and you can help yourself!!! This is a Modern Siren thing – it’s about attraction…and for you, now …your lack of self-esteem is what’s making you less attractive. Being “rude” is not the answer. No games are the answer. You must lift yourself up from the inside. this is a job for Strong on the Inside and Soft on the Outside – “Strong Surrender.” Start with my ebook – it’s affordable and will lay out a plan and give you homework and exercises to do that are BASIC and CRUCIAL… We’ll all help you from there, with Circular Dating to practice the Tools…Love, Rori



  67.  #67Honeyluna on September 14, 2009 at 8:24 pm

    Just went through having my husband tell me he doesn’t love me anymore. It was devistating. He moved out (to his mothers house) saying that he needed a break. It was a lie. I found all kinds of things indicating he was looking for another woman. He also opened a bank account in his name only and changed all of his passwords on his email accounts. He was infatuated with a girl that worked for him and his parents were encouraging the situation. To make matters worse, his friends were trying to get him to move away to where they lived. My husband agreed to get counseling with me and the first session didn’t leave me much hope. He acted like he hated me and resented me. It was embarassing to say the least. Every session we had, he warmed up even more. Finally he partially moved back in. I kept my cool and did things that he liked, such as go to movies and go out for burgers. I joined a health club and started going to see movies with my sister and going out now and then to see a local band. One day hubby accidentally said that he loved me and a light switch in him turned on. He started saying it and meaning it. He is fully moved back in and %200 committed to our relationship again. He is wearing his wedding rings and has told everyone he knows we are back together. I am not letting him off the hook that easy though, there are still unanswered questions I have but I am glad this nightmare is over. I think that the counseling helped and we would be divorced right now if we didn’t get it. Counselors are there to help you get back together not to split you up. Call and interview them prior to the session. Find any excuse to get hubby into counseling, even if it is for the wrong reason the out come will the the right one.



  68.  #68Rori Raye on September 17, 2009 at 10:23 pm

    Honeyluna, Welcome, and congratulations!!! Love, Rori



  69.  #69Ingrid on March 27, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Rori: I love your advice here, about what to do to win back your man after he has strayed, begin making YOURSELF happy…..THIS is exactly what I going to do, and have begun to do. Thank you. And not just pretending, but for real, not playing a game but actually doing it, as you say. I’m going out looking for this movie you mention “Happily Ever After” today. I am re-inventing myself, and asking myself “what does make me happy”? I built my world around my husband and family for over 20 years, and to be honest kind of “lost myself” but not too much, I lost my confidence I guess, never my interests, but I certainly lost how to take care of myself, I counted on him to take care of me. Never again. What if our husbands drop dead tomorrow? We women must know how to survive.
    Thank you ROri~

    Sally~ (Screen name Ingrid)



  70.  #70Rori Raye on March 27, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    Ingrid – you GO girl! Rori



  71.  #71nicole on August 13, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    i have the same problem , one fraind get between my relationship with my usbant , i cant get him understan that its only for money , and he just attract to her ,
    and he is going to loose evrything family frainds evry thing ,what can i do???
    i want to buy the ebook how i can do it ??
    please halp me



  72.  #72Chantel on December 16, 2010 at 5:54 am

    I don’t know how to ask for advise but i have alot to say. I’m really young i’m 18. my boyfriend is 21 we met in high school and have been together for 3 years. 2 of which were long distance because he left for college. In those to years he cheated with a girl from his job. It was oral sex. He says it was just that one time and it was just her performing oral sex. Regardless I was very very hurt! I never cheated not once in that time. Not to mention during our time apart he was really mean to me all the time =(. now that we’re together in person (i’m in college as well) he’s very nice very considerate very attentive. we argue sometimes but who doesn’t? it never gets out of hand and we always make up the same day. The problem? I am an emotion person. so the fact that he did what he did still hurts very much. I never bring it up because he apologized and he treats me right etc… I do not like to argue by bringing up stuff from so long ago. but seriously I still cry and I find it so hard to trust him. This girl he used to go to school with used to text him all the time flirty stuff, and I do not like that. He flirted right back, he said they’ve been friends for like five years it no big deal. I don’t like it. So he doesn’t talk to her nearly as much, if at all. He honors my requests and such. He’s a good guy. But I cannot get over what he did. Please help!



  73.  #73Rori Raye on December 16, 2010 at 11:34 am

    Chantel – you’re both WAY too young to be the only lovers in either of your lives. That’s MY take –you may disagree. Get over it would be my advice, and if you can’t get professional help to get over it – start dating other men yourself and make it an open relationship until he’s ready to marry. The only option you DON’T have is to stew about this and stay put. Love, Rori



  74.  #74Eileen Mary on June 12, 2011 at 5:56 am

    Need Siren encouragement, Ex starting to communicate with me again.

    I ended it March 4th, in less than 2 weeks he was with another woman with her staying overnight at his house. He lives around thew corner from me.

    In the last 3 weeks he has been contacting me through Facebook chat leaving messages on my wall and posting likes on the positive think quotes I post.

    This past Tuesday on the way back from my walk he was sitting on his porch and starting conversation with me about a bat that had gotten into my house.

    I had been holding in bad, hurt sad feelings about him taking his new woman to the local watering hole where we both have mutual friends and the feedback I had gotten from it. Opened the conversation with I heard he seem very much in love and found what he was looking for. Said she was nice and intelligent, but would not call her the one. Told him all that was said to me. Right away he jumped to is there a time frame for bringing around the next. Told him it was about how I felt not time frames more than once until he got it. To which he said he didn’t realize anything would be said to me and it wasn’t his intent to hurt me. Told him I had been dating, but do not bring dates to the local hangout. Said he was wondering if I was but didn’t want to ask. Wanted to know if I found someone special. No just nice.

    Well the conversation was getting long and I asked if he minded if I sat down on the porch. When I did he slid close and put his around me. Proceeded to tell me how he has missed me that he watches me on my walks and thinks what if. Then quickly move to an EMT course he is taking and a phrase use “it is what it is” as if what if should not be pursued. Expressed the feeling maybe it is not meant for him to every get married and this head is too mixed up. To which I said, but that is not what you have expressed as wanting for yourself. Mentioned an article I read that touched on a past conversation about relationships that I would forward to him. Said he would like that.

    Said I have to go and he embraced me and gave me a kiss then another longer and another even longer. At that point I just said wow and he said yeah and I got up. Then he tells me I am hot and smiles. Me well you would know all about that.

    Emailed him the article and this is the response email I need help translating.

    “Thanks for the article I will read it later I have to go to my meeting.
    It was very comforting for us to talk, I felt very much at ease. I want to thank you for all you have given me, emotionally and physically!!! Whether you realize it or not you have changed my life!! You will always be in my thoughts!!

    J”

    Physically was when he had triple hernia surgery. Friday the new woman was at his house and spent the weekend with him. Feel I am being messed with and just trying to keep me as a backup if this new woman doesn’t work out.

    Eileen



  75.  #75Eileen Mary on June 12, 2011 at 6:01 am

    Vanessa, It’s all about how you feel. If you feel you cannot trust a person you had been with for 8 years you most likely know why and just have to look at the answer. Circular date.



  76.  #76Kate on June 22, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    Hello ladies,
    I am looking for some encouragement, I suppose.
    I’ve read the ebook and Reconnect but I’m having a hard time bolstering up my self esteem to true Sirendom, I suppose.
    My boyfriend and I just broke up less than a month ago, I’m 35 he is 29. We had been friends for years before I moved out of state to get a graduate degree. We began our relationship only a few months before I left, and continued it long distance for the next (almost) 2 years. We saw each other often — mostly he would travel to me as my school schedule was less flexible than his own. He would stay anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. He has always had a much harder time with the long distance than I had. But we fell in love anyway, and I was his first real deeply in love girlfriend. It was a rough winter. We decided to have an open relationship. This actually brought us closer together, and we were so excited to see each other. As this school year started winding down, we were making plans for the summer. It comes out that he had started seeing someone else, but he told me he did not wish to pursue anything with her. I was devastated and felt totally betrayed, even though he had the “pass” of the open relationship. I put my foot down and gave him a big ball of “this is what I want” and did he want this too? WEEKS go by, with very little contact. He was stalling. He keeps telling me he doesn’t know what he wants, I’m the best woman he’s ever known, the distance is the killer, not his feelings for me. We finally talk about it (over skype) and agree to break up, but to be friends. A few days go by and I realize I can’t be his friend. I tell him so. He freaks out, we talk again for an hour, the lid gets put back on the boiling pot. He tells me again he’s not interested in seeing this girl, that he will be down to see me, he wants to see me, and get his stuff that he left here. Somewhere in here I start reading Rori’s book, and when I do communicate with him, it’s all in feeling messages, which actually worked. He reaches out to me. I find out he is still seeing this girl, and that she is very much into him. He doesn’t show up like he said he would. A week goes by. He starts sending these lame texts to me about how he wants to call me but he’s working a lot, and starts talking about the weather. I largely ignore him. Then I did something I’m not very proud of — I looked up this girl’s twitter account. It’s public knowledge. Anyone with internet access can look at her posts. She had a litany of stuff on there, all about him and what they were doing, some pretty crass, using his name. He is a very private person and would be shocked if he realized she was doing this. So I emailed him a link. That’s all, just a link. To be honest, I had a good chuckle over it. Within a few hours she had put up all this bullsh*t about how’s she’s getting stalked and she’s taking the high road (how, I don’t know) and look all you want I have him now kinda stuff. That didn’t feel too great but it really only emphasizes how trashy she really is. So I do a little damage control and text him, saying I don’t regret sending him that email and really I feel frustrated because we have unfinished business and he says he wants to talk to me but doesn’t. So we make an appointment to talk to each other. In less than 2 hours! Kinda freaking out here. I’m not sure what all I even want to say to him. If I could mail him back his stuff, I would, but it’s a large item. Problem is we still love each other, when we’re together it’s so fun and loving and great, but the distance has killed us and now there’s the other woman to contend with. Am I the total antithesis of the modern siren to want to get back together with this guy? Should I really and truly turn my back on him like everyone is telling me I should? To be honest I’ve TRIED dating other men and it just sorta makes my skin crawl. I’m just not ready. So I’ve dated myself (shopping, friends, parties), flirted with the fish guy at the supermarket, lost 15 lbs (and counting!) and have some great plans coming up for trips with girlfriends. But I still want him in my life.
    I’m almost halfway through Modern Siren and I guess it’s helping but the fact that he’s with this other girl just makes me feel so gross.
    What does the blog think? Is he worth it?

    Thanks ladies, I’ve spent the last two hours reading through these blogs and they are just great.



  77.  #77MissSA on July 4, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    Rori, I have a problem: I should be writing a report for work, but my eyes and heart are glued to this screen. You’re all too fabulous. Help!



  78.  #78MissSA on July 4, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    Dearest Eileen Mary,

    I don’t think that you were angry with for taking this “new” woman to the local watering hole. I think that you’re angry with yourself: for tolerating misery; and for denying yourself the kind of freedom and security whuch you require, from YOURself.

    Sounds to me like he’s living his life EXACTLY the way he wants to. Stop penting up your feelings; begint o honour them and pursue as much self- confidence, self- esteem and happiness that you want. For this, I would recommend what Circular Dating.

    Truly hope this helps

    xoxo



  79.  #79Koretha on August 25, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    Hello,
    I have been separated from my husband for a year. He lives in England and I live in the U.S. I went to visit him in 2010 feb til April 2010. During that time together we had arguements and trials. I discovered things had changed while away from him. He said things that he wouldn’t normally say. I knew their was another woman. I was so hurt,because he sent me back to the U.S. I gave up my job and my home to be with him. I felt so betrayed i died a million times. He didn’t care what my situation was or how i felt.

    Since that time I have been very sick and withdrawn from the world. All my joy,love and happiness has been taken from me. I have no energy to do anything. I have no hope, or desire. It is as though someone came in and stole my soul from me. I still love my husband. but he has said he does not love me or care for me. I have resigned myself to that. he wants a divorce ..I don’t want it. I want to work things out.. Rori, what should i do about this?



  80.  #80Txprettypink on August 25, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    Koretha,

    I believe Rori Will have wonderful advice for you. I would “suggest” changing your vibe. I know your married but you should flirt with men. Not sleep with them, but flirt. Change your hair, make up , nail polish the way you dress. Read self development books, go to coffee shops out with friends, pursue a business. Join a dating site anonymous. This will boost your self-esteem. Smile , work out.

    Dont cut yourself off from the world. Seek encouragement thru the website if need be, but get out the house and change yourself. LOVE yourself.

    It worked for me, I know it would work for you.
    Then, when you are not worried or paying attention to your husband, he will wonder why. It works all the time. Men like a challenge. Try it. 🙂



  81.  #81Txprettypink on August 25, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    Lately, I have not been calling men, even when I want to. I do not initiate calls at all. MAINLY because I do not feel obligated to anyone and I am pursuing my career and dreams. I do show interest, but the men have been asking “why i do not call or text first”.
    I just tell them i do not want to bother them or suffocate and that I am very busy, but think of them.

    I mean, I dont know if thats right but I also do not want to give the vibe that I am not interested.
    These are men who call me consistently and ALWAYS ask why I do not call them.

    Am I wrong? I like the attention.



  82.  #82Sandee on September 23, 2011 at 9:34 pm

    my marriage of 47 years..husband informed he is in love with his x-junior high school girlfriend, that he hasn’t seen on 47 years…he has always been in love with her, never me, he married beneath himself, butisn’t good enough for her..on my 45th anniversary, nothing for me, he wrote her a 4 page love letter, a card and 300 dollar worth of flowers. Asked her to marry him. he had cancer 16 yrs ago, can no longer have sex…he never told her that, the minute she found out, she dumps him. He then ha s a stroke, almost dies, so i let him come home, and i take care of him. everyday he brings her up, and blames me for her dumping him. She has done everything like sending me copies of his love letters to her. why would a person do that? Anyway he hates me, and tries everything to proveto me he loves her, and not me. If I hadn’t taken him in, he would have been in a nursing home, alone, he is down to 73 pounds now, they can’t find anything wrong with him. He deands I do nothing outside the house, and wants to know where I a going in the middle of the night, (nowhere)… made hi family hate me…for no reason…



  83.  #83Starla on September 23, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    Sandee, sending you lots of love. I know we don’t know each other, but I can feel your pain and confusion reading your story, and I want to send you big hugs.



  84.  #84Sandee on September 23, 2011 at 10:00 pm

    Thank you Starla

    He never saw her for the 1 1/2 yrs of making himself available for her, He has been at the house for almost a year now. The 18 months he was gone, I got myself together, men were begging me, to go out with them. I was married at 16, he was 19. I can remember the 18 mnths, and feeling for freefor one in my lifetime. I wish I had never let him comeback…There is no love for him anymorre. He completely killded anything I felt for him. All this carrying on he does, is to blame me for everything. It is emotional, mental abuse. I know this…

    Sandee



  85.  #85Starla on September 23, 2011 at 10:37 pm

    Sandee, wow it all feels so much simpler reading that you have no desire to be with this man.

    This is really about eliminating the abuse from your life. Being abused is never okay. Though when the perpetrator is as ill and pathetic as your husband, it certainly does complicate things.

    I am curious what an end to the abuse would look like to you? E.g., putting him in a home afterall, getting his family to take care of him instead, hiring someone to care for him instead of you, if possible…I dunno, these are just ideas. I’m not saying any of these are what you should do.



  86.  #86Lauren on February 27, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    Dear Rory,

    I’ve just newly discovered your blog (after ordering and downloading your e-book-which I’m not able to get up on computer yet so unfortunately haven’t yet read.)
    Your site is absolutely amazing and wonderful. Thank you. I appreciate (so sadly ) reading other people’s troubles, puts mine in better perspective-and it is helping me learn so much while I await the successful download of your e-book and can’t wait to read more of your loving hand.

    Sincererly LC



  87.  #87Iyami on April 22, 2012 at 9:47 pm

    Dear Rory, my marriage of 19years is getting problem, my hubby’s behaviour started changing about nine years ago, when issue of cell phone came to my country, we don’t leave together due to the nature or our jobs. He came home every weekend, I was the loving hubby every woman will dream of, his greatest problem are women, he started having female phone call which he can’t answer if we are together, but he will secretly go into the toilet to reply the call, when I talk he get mad on me and complained am too suspicious, the phone number he bought for me happened to corresponded with the lady’s own. I have no peace since then. He can get more than ten calls from ladies without picking, he was posted abroad which makes me to follow him with our five boys on his request I left my job to save my marriage only to continue with his habit, he can sometimes come back from work at mid night and I there not ask any question if I do we will end of in a big quarrel . There was these time he will quickly leave house by six am but will not be home till 12 midnight, I asked what iwas keeping him away from us but he have no time to ans me. I prayed to God to show me signs of what is keeping him I found a lady’s hospital bill which I requested to know who she is he denied I asked him if he wants to marry her he stii denied only after three month to be told he had taking her as second wife.I have no option than to stay to get my hubby back, I can’t leave my five children he has spent all our life savings on this girl no plans again for the children future, am no longer working and things are very difficult for us now, any thing he get he send it to the new wife. No love no care again I tried my best to pleased him my best is not enough, am sick of everything but I have to give all I can for the sake of my children. He has stop being the loving husband and dad, no care nor affection in the house . Please ladies what will you advice me to do to save my marriage please? Thanks God bless!



  88.  #88Rori Raye on April 24, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    Iyami, you can’t get your marriage back. My wish and prayer for you is that you find a way to financially support yourself, and that there are laws in your country that would compel him to help support your children. Love, Rori



  89.  #89REAL-LOVE on May 2, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    Hi! Okay, my situation is a little different…my husband and i have been together for 5 years and have 2 children. I found out, 5 months ago that he cheated on me while i was pregnant with our last child. it was with an ex-“friend with benefits”. They started chatting on facebook, then texting and then met twice to “get together”, in her car. He tried to break it off with her a month before our baby was born but she didnt want it to end and thought that telling me, 3 weeks after baby came, would make me hate him and leave him. we were not communicating well at all last year and sex was practically non-existent(my fault), as i just wasnt in the mood. he said he thinks he did it cause he felt he wasnt getting enough attention and felt really alone and this “friend” made him feel really good about himself. he feels so ashames and guilty and said he wants to do whatever it takes to put us back together again. we have been communicating better than ever and i made him tell me EVERYTHING about the “incident”. my question is…do u think we can move past this and be happy again?



  90.  #90REAL-LOVE on May 2, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    I would appreciate any advice on this but please nobody telling me to just leave him or once a cheater always a cheater. i do believe people in love can get past anything but i need advice on how to help us move on together. also, of course me ever trusting him again will be hard but he has now given me all computer passwords, phone password and lets me know everyday where he is, when he will be home. he is also constantly saying he is so sorry for causing me such pain and that he loves me so much and didnt realize what he had until he almost lost “us”. he tells me he loves me at least 5 times a day and really does seem to be trying his best.



  91.  #91Rori Raye on May 3, 2012 at 9:33 am

    REAL LOVE – To me – this sounds TOTALLY savable! You sound great, just start fresh. I’m a woman, and I’m telling you straight out that if my husband stopped wanting to have sex with me for an entire year or longer, and didn’t want to talk about it or fix it enough to make me feel good and meet my needs for affection and sex – and I didn’t have other skills to work through this (as most men don’t – in fact most of us don’t) – I’d just as likely have done what your husband did (I certainly wouldn’t want to leave him with a baby on the way). I wish I could say I’d for sure tell my husband straight out I was going to do it – but I’m not certain, if I found myself in that situation, I’d be all that brave. What exactly were his other options? Likely counseling, talking it through with you – but that would take a pretty special, unusual man.

    What you’ve got here is a “failure to communicate” – and THAT you can fix. Refer to the Sex In The City storyline where Steve cheats on Cynthia Nixon…and how they recover… You can do it without separating from him. Get help if you need it. Love, Rori



  92.  #92Kris on May 8, 2012 at 10:43 am

    Dear Rori,
    My husband and I have been together 15 1/2 years and been married almost 11. We have three kids, 14, 10, & 5. Things have been bad for so long that I can’t even tell you when it all started. Two weeks ago I found out that he has been seeing another woman, who is also married, for about 7 months. He says that they have not had sex but that he is in love with her. He said that he thinks he fell out of love with me when I got pregnant with my oldest because he blamed me but he still loves me, just not in love with me. I figured if this ever happened I would just throw him out and be done with it but 6 years ago when I felt alone and hurt that he wasn’t meeting my needs and didn’t care to I stepped out on him twice so in a way I understood what he was going through. I had gotten your e-book just before I found out and I have been trying to handle this the best I can and work through my marriage. It had been a great couple of weeks then I found out that he was still seeing her. Well my daughter, 14, found out about everything by accident. She got a hold of this woman and pleaded to her to end it and she did. She said that she had tried to twice before but she was leaving for three months this time and it is completely over. The problem is that he is so heart broken by this woman ending things that he can’t think about anything else. He says that he knows that he can’t give me his full heart. He is also severely depressed and threatened to kill himself several times and cuts himself. He has been seeing a counselor and now on anti-depressants for about 3 months but I worry about him. I love my husband with all my heart and want to work things out with him but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go next. Please help.



  93.  #93Krisann on May 8, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    I am not married yet, but my boyfriend and I have talked about marriage frequently and last summer he told mutual friends he would marry me if I put a piece of tin on his finger. But he has never officially proposed. We’ve been living together for three years.
    We were scheduled to go to a premarital counseling session in a few weeks but then I looked at his cell phone and saw flirtatious emails between him and a married woman (someone he had a crush on in high school, I later found out) reminiscing about when they had sex together and how great it was. I angrily confronted him and told him it needed to stop. Two days later, I looked at his phone and discovered they had sex via text messages over a three hour period.
    I decided to keep the premarital counseling appointment to get a professional opinion and the counselor said the sex with the married woman (it happened two summers ago while we were together) was something he did to make himself temporarily feel powerful. We discussed having him write an apology letter , which he did and in the letter he said he loved me and wanted to marry me and grow old with me. However, a week after the appointment, I secretly checked his email and discovered he went to see an escort a year ago while I was out of town. But I reasoned with myself that it was in the past and we were trying to move forward so I never brought it up.
    A month later he left for a trip out of the country. Despite his apology letter, I was really worried that he might cheat on me while he was there so when he came back I looked in his travel bag and found a box of condoms with about eight gone. I was in tears when I confronted him and told him I found the condoms (he and I do not use condoms). He was angry at me (because I looked in his bag without this permission) and stormed off. I moved all of my stuff out of his place that night. He said he loved me and maybe one day I’d want to talk or if I never did, he’d understand. The next day, I went back to see him after things cooled off, and his explanation for having sex while he was on this trip was that we are not married yet. He was in tears when I left and said; “he didn’t want to let me go.” I suggested that maybe we need to go see another counselor again together and he really wanted to do that. He has also sent me a email saying he made a horrible mistake and the thought of life without me is awful.
    Does this relationship seem worth fixing? He does have a point that we aren’t married yet but I thought we were in a committed, exclusive relationship. I’m wondering if maybe I’m wasting my time and giving him too many chances to try to commit to me and he is playing on my sympathies to get me to stay. In addition to the sex with the married woman and the escorts, he collects images of hundreds of pictures of naked women on his phone and computer. But he has told me though that he looks at other women, he only loves me.



  94.  #94Rori Raye on May 9, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    Kris – You’re doing so well in this awful situation. Because of the kids, I admire your effort to do everything you can to save the marriage and be kind to this man you’ve been with for so many years. I would advise you to get a therapist or counselor or coach for yourself – your job is to stay yourself. To stay as unattached to his behavior as you can, and enjoy your life as much as you can without engaging with his emotional state. Circular Dating is something you can do that is not cheating – it’s a place to practice with other men and women and have fun so you can feel whole no matter whatever goes on with him. And your kids can fill up your time easily, and make you feel good, productive and worthwhile just being their mom. What your daughter did was nothing short of amazing – my hat’s off to her, and it made it so you didn’t have to speak to her at all.

    I don’t know what’s going to happen – but I want you to know you’ll be fine and happy if you decide to leave and stay friends with him for the sake of the kids. Love, Rori



  95.  #95Rori Raye on May 10, 2012 at 12:28 am

    Krisann –
    The only question I have is “Whatever are you doing with this man, who’s clearly totally useless to you in the areas of fidelity – it that’s important to you?” Love, Rori



  96.  #96Krisann on May 11, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    Rori,
    Thank you for your reply. Yes, fidelity is important to me. Prior to learning about his infidelities, I felt we had a loving and harmonious relationship. We loved going to concerts and watching movies together, he told me he loved me daily and told me I was gorgeous, we loved cooking dinners together, and we talked about the future together and having kids together and the names for them.
    I stayed with him after I found out about the first infidelity with the married woman because we discussed with a counselor about why it happened. He was feeling sexually rejected by me and when I thought about it, I did recall times when he would try to initiate sex and I would turn him away. He said he wondered if he was desirable and this woman’s attentions made him feel wanted. So I opened myself up to him more sexually the last few months, which is why I am thrown by this infidelity on this recent trip. I am so confused about the situation. His loving behavior and talks of the future with me seem so incongruent with his infidelities. I don’t really know where the escort fits in to this. I am thinking he possibly has a sexual addiction?



  97.  #97Scarlet on July 1, 2012 at 4:54 am

    Dear Rori
    I am involved with a man who has a three year old daughter. I was dating him for 5 months when he announced he was going back to his daughter’s mother. That only lasted a couple of months (she has a drug addiction) and we started seeing each other again and have been in an exclusive relationship for the last 6 months. He has called it off because of family pressure but has come back after missing me so much. He has only recently told me that he is in love with me and wants to be with me and told his parents that he is serious about me. It was all looking so good. Now I have accidentally found out that he is again involved with his ex. He says it is only to drive away her latest lover who he does not want around his daughter. He swears there is nothing between them, but he lied to me about it until I had evidence that he could not deny. Now I do not know what to believe. I don’t think I trust him. He said he wanted to fix it so I said he must come around to my house to discuss it while I could look him in the eyes. He said he would and did not turn up. This is all too painful to be in it and way too painful to walk away. Please help me.



  98.  #98Rori Raye on July 1, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Scarlett, Welcome, and we’ll help you get out of this. The second time he ended it with you was your first cljue, then the re-involvement was hyour second, and him not showing up is your third. I’m guessing there were many more clues along the way.Please. , please, please – if you really feel you can’t just end it with him – which is clearly hyour best choice – then just get out there and Circular Date up a storm and re-discover YOURSELF! Love Rori



  99.  #99Scarlet on July 3, 2012 at 5:05 am

    Hi Rori, thank you so much for your reply.
    I know you are right and yes there have been many many clues that I have not wanted to see. My head is telling me to get out of this situation but my fear of another loss is so great that it paralyses me from actually walking away.
    I have experienced a lot of abandonment throughout my life. I had a difficult childhood and was cheated on repeatedly by my husband before finally being abandoned with two young sons. The other three significant relationships I have had have all ended with me being abandoned for their exes. I have also suffered the loss of a stillborn baby and my parents have both died suddenly in the last 5 years. So I raised my boys alone until they became adults because I didn’t want to make their lives any more complicated than they already were, by bringing another man into their lives. I had one very very angry young boy to deal with. It was an extremely difficult 11 years of being alone and fairly unsupported throughout some very troubled times.

    So, when the man that I am currently involved with came along, it opened up my heart again. As you said, there have been many many clues that he is not right for me, but my fear of another loss outweighs my own self esteem. How pathetic is that?
    I haven’t told any of my friends what’s going on because I am ashamed of tolerating such poor behaviour but I find it so hard to even contemplate another loss. The thought makes me physically ill.

    I know you say to circular date, but dating other men whilst we are in an exclusive relationship is not something that we do. (‘We’ meaning anyone I know of in my circles, and probably not really the culture here in Australia). So, I feel the only thing I can do is get myself out of this relationship, but I simply cannot bare another painful loss. I know this sounds stupid but I am inlove with him. Maybe I am just addicted to being told I am loved. Again – pathetic. But I really need some help.
    Thanks for reading my problems,
    Scarlet.



  100.  #100Lily on July 12, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    Dear Rori. I’ve been in a non-committed, sexual relationship with a man 18 years my junior for the past 5 years and 6 months. The last 6 months I can tell he’s pulling away and looking for someone who he can settle down with. (He has a young child) I do realise that it will never be me. I must profess to you I have developed strong feeling for him and do care for him, but I can’t really say I’m in love with him. It hurts to feel him pull away. I’ve texted him a few times and get little, to no, response. Last night I texted him a congratulations on a win he made, NOTHING from him. So I wanted to text him a message saying, “I got your message,I’m a little slow on the uptake. I want to thank you for 5 GREAT years! I enjoyed them immensely!” What do you think Rori?? Bad or Good? Thank you for your time and imput.



  101.  #101Lily on July 12, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    I’m sorry Rori, I forgot to say, I don’t want to leave the relationship with any animosity. The relationship was also a non-exclusive one, but I MUST say I’ve NEVER had such GREAT sex. I think it is the main reason I’m having trouble walking away.

    I do care for him and want to leave on a positive note and thought that text was it. If you have any suggestions I’m open and appreciative!



  102.  #102Lily on July 15, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    Sorry Rori, It’s me Lily again. It’s been a few days and now I’ve grown angry as I’ve had time to think. During our 5 1/2 years of booty calls and a few dates he saw at least 5 other woman. He had the decency to break things off with them with a phone call or face to face. What hurts me so deeply is I’m getting the cold shoulder. I don’t get it and I know I should not (will not) ask. Put the pain of a cold shoulder dump is excruciating !!! Should I not text him good buy and thanks for the 5 years or just not respond at all. Thank you for your time:-)



  103.  #103Melanie on August 2, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    Hi Rori. My name is Melanie and I am a 33-year old single mother of an 8-year old little girl. I am in EXCRUCIATING pain and have severe anger towards my ex-boyfriend of 4 years. I also recently find myself extremely irritable. He recently cheated on me and left me for the woman he was cheating on me with.
    In the beginning of our relationship everything was great. He was a charming, kind, humble, giving, charitable, attentive, loving person, and the sex was great and very intimate, and we had so much in common. We both liked some of the same poets, we were both at a stage in our lives where we were questioning religion and the idea of God and our purposes on earth. In fact, when we first met that was one thing that sparked a conversation between us was God, religion, etc, etc…Also, we both liked talking about politics, liked observing people, just one thing after the other that we seemed to have in common. It felt like I had found a male version of myself!
    He was very sweet and loving for a little over 2 years, with no problems. He seemed like a very humble person. He was always helping people and people always talked highly of him. Over the years he’s bought me 2 cars, even though he doesn’t make much money. He was good at saving money and had high goals for the future. He never tried to swindle anything from me. He at times borrow a little money but always paid it back. And he would help me out if I needed. He would sometimes even give me cash and tell me I didn’t need to worry about paying it back.
    Well, after about 2 and ahalf years of being together there were 2 red lights that went off. The first one was when he physically hurt me for no reason and denied it. (He still denies it to this day. He says I’m crazy, that it never happened, that I dreamt it, etc, etc…) He one day came into my room, while my friend was visiting, and didn’t say a word. He had a piece of hair hanging in his face and I tried to move it out of his face for him. When I did this he grabbed my wrist and twisted it back and looked at me like he was going to kill me. He got up, without saying a word, got a work shirt and left. The second red light was when I caught him fooling around with my former best friend. No sex, but I believe if I hadn’t been in the next room there would have been. At the time, there didn’t seem to be any relationship issues with us and he seemed happy with me. I asked him why he felt the need to cross the line with me and he said he didn’t know.
    He seemed nervous and worried that I was angry about it and fessed up to what he had done. He seemed to want to work things out and he didn’t want to lose me.
    I forgave him and we continued our relationship. During this period my boyfriend and I went to a group called ‘Gnosis’ which teaches people how to get rid of their egos and become more humble and more spiritual. My boyfriend was very involved and it seemed like he was very interested in becoming more humble and loving and he wanted to become more enlightened about himself and the world. This was a very attractive thing for me, as I was on the same quest.
    During the next year we discussed marriage. We also talked about having kids together. I remember at a Valentine’s Day party last year there was a couple with a baby and my ex leaned down and asked if “I wanted one of those.” I smiled back up at him and said yes.
    During the time we were going out my ex didn’t have a place of his own and my daughter and I lived with my mother. My ex worked and saved for cars and eventually bought a trailer and talked about buying and renting out trailers for extra money. I have had issues with depression off and on and did occassion temp work but didn’t have a permanant job. My ex knew of my condition and in the past had been very supportive of me. He didn’t expect me to get full-time work. This changed towards the end of last year. He started complaining about me not working and saying we couldn’t make it on our own in an apartment if I didn’t start working. I felt bad about this and I tried suggesting maybe storage auctions and others things that might help us make money. He seemed interested in this.
    Well, this last January he and I went out for New Years and had dinner together. Afterwards we went to the store and while there he started making comments about my appearance. He said he wanted me to start dressing better. He told me that he didn’t want me to dress too high maintanance but he didn’t want to see me dressed sloppy either. This was a little bit odd, since in the past I could be in sweats with no makeup on and my hair in a bun and he would tell me I was cute. On the way home from the store I asked him what he would do if I didn’t change anything about myself. I asked him if he would leave me. He turned and looked at me and said “maybe.” At the time I laughed and called him an asshole. It hurt me though, inside, when he said this. A few months after this he brought his mom over for me and my daughter to meet. She was visiting from Mexico. Shortly after he introduced me to his mom he started not showing up when he said he would. Sometimes it would be 2 days, sometimes 4. It would vary. I wouldn’t push him on the issue. I would just ask him why he didn’t call and he would make some dumb excuse up. We hadn’t gone out a lot so I suggested going out on a Saturday night. Well he never showed up on Saturday and didn’t call either. After 8 days of hearing absolutely nothing I went to his trailer and left a note for him, as he was not there. The next day he showed up and had no excuse for not showing up or leaving a note. A few days later, while we were being intimate with one another he told me in a low voice that he liked me. Then he said, “No…I love you.” A week later he told me he was leaving me to go take care of his mom in Mexico. He told me this like he was telling me about his day at work. I got upset and he told me he had to go to meet a guy about a truck. I told him I wanted him to come back so we could talk. He said he would try. Then didn’t come back that night. Through the last few months I was able to figure out he had been cheating and the woman he was cheating with is now living in his trailer. I have confronted him twice and he denies they are together or that he cheated. He even went as far as to tell me to look him in the eye and lied right to my face about not cheating. He said he wouldn “disrespect” me like that. At one point, after he broke up with me he ended up spending 2 nights with me. (When this woman was living in his trailer) We had sex and he was very intimate with me and very sweet with my daughter. He watched movies with her, like they used to do. He cuddled me and would give me little kisses. During this time, my mom had recently been sexually assaulted and my ex was very comforting to me with this. He left after the 2 days and said he’d be in touch. Well the days went by and after 5 days I became depressed and cut my arm. I thought he had abandoned us again. He came over 2 days later and saw what I had done. He rubbed my arm and took my hand and told me to promise him not to do that again. I cried and told him I was depressed about the breakup. I said I didn’t understand why he was being so cold-hearted and why he had been lieing so much to me. I asked him if he ever had loved me during the relationship and I asked him why he didn’t seem to want to even work things out. He then told me that we could try and work things out. He told me he had been letting this girl stay in his trailer and that she was going to be moving out at the end of the month. He told me he would be staying in his trailer and I would be moving in with my daughter to our new apartment. He said he could come visit us and we could take my daughter to the park. He said he knew he had treated me bad, more than bad and that he had to do a lot to earn my trust back. He said he was gonna try and get some money together to fix my car. He asked me if I was mad about how he had treated me recently. I said “yes” and he then told me that he didn’t forget what people did and he would be mad too. After he promised all these things then he asked me if that was something I wanted. I said, “Yes”, of course. Then he he told me that answer made him happy. He said he felt like he had just gotten a gem back into his life. Then he said he had to go and gave me a kiss. He said he would see me on Sunday and never showed. I sought him out and talked to him. I told him I was furious with him and extremely hurt. I pointed out the inconsistancies in his stories and told him that it felt like he had turned into some kind of monster. I told him he seemed more like a stranger than anything. I pointed out that he had not only lied to me but lied to my daughter about taking her out. I told him he had been a father-figure to my daughter for half her life and now he was running off without even saying goodbye to either of us. He listened to me, then told me he needed to get back to work. When I dropped him off at work he said he would call me on Monday. He seemed to be thinking a bit when I asked him when he would be in contact. I asked him what he was thinking about. He said he was thinking of a day when he’d be able to actually call and talk with me. It’s been almost 2 months and I haven’t heard a word.
    I feel helpless and like I have lost all control. I am depressed, angry, frustrated and I feel betrayed and disposable. I actually have copies of his fake social security card and fake immigration card. I feel so tempted to call immigration on him and report him. There is a pathetic part of me that hopes he will realize what a jerk he’s been and come see us some day, but I know that’s probably not going to happen. I haven’t gone back to talk to him because it will be just more lies. I don’t understand how he could be so cruel to us. This is a man that cooes at children, always is helping people out. When he leaves businesses he always says to the employees, “Have a good day and don’t work too hard.” This is someone who seems to have passion for life and seems so charming and sweet to everyone else. I feel alone. I have asked him what I did to deserve this kind of treatment. He just says I didn’t do anything and that he feels really bad for what he’s done. Then he does the same thing to me. I feel like he’s nice to everyone but me. I feel like his enemy and I don’t know why. Maybe this guy is a sociopath. I dunno. Can you give me some of your thoughts on this situation. Thanks!



  104.  #104Rori Raye on August 3, 2012 at 12:25 am

    Melanie – I don’t know why you’d want to “throw good money after bad” – but there’s absolutely nothing redeeming about this man as far as I can tell. Go get some counseling and help for your depression, please – and there’s a lot you can do just with food. Take good amounts of omega 3 fish oil or cod liver oil, and vit. D, and stop eating sugar and gluten and see how much better you feel! And take probiotics and eat well, too….take care of yourself and get away from this man. If you don’t think you deserve better, you’ll talk yourself into that as your destiny – and it’s not. Your destiny is what you think it is. Think better of yourself. Love, Rori



  105.  #105Melanie on August 3, 2012 at 1:32 am

    Also, in addition to this email, my ex has been sending mixed messages to me. Another mixed message was when he spent those 2 nights with me, while the other woman waited at the trailer. He asked me if I had been with another man. I told him yes. Later when we were being intimate with each other he said, “You’re jealous of me and I’m jealous of you.” Why would he say this if he has no intention of coming back to me? Just games?



  106.  #106Melanie on August 3, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    Thank you for your reply Rori. I’m wondering if you think there are some sociopathic traits to my ex? He would get mad at little things and things that I thought he would get mad at he wouldn’t. He seems like Jekyll and Hyde. It’s like once he found another person to be with he turned into this manipulative, evil person who thought of my daughter and I as disposable. My ex and I were together for 4 years and best friends. This is someone who, when I was having a depressive episode, talked to me for about 30 minutes into learning to drive his stick-shift Explorer. He was trying to distract me for a bit, cause all I wanted to do was just lay in bed and wallow in my depression. Once I was trying to practice driving the stick shift I was laughing a bit, cause, well, someone just starting to try and drive a stick is pretty funny. I recall my ex saying, “See, you’re laughing. It’s just for a few seconds, but you’re laughing.” Then he said he had to go to the mall for something. After awhile of talking he convinced me to go with him. When we got there we went into Nordstroms and as we were walking by the women’s shoe department he started pointing out the women’s shoes to me. He never had to go to the mall… he had just taken me there to find something he knew I liked to ‘distract’ me from the depression I was feeling. When I think about the contrast between this story and when he was rubbing my arm I had just cut up, and then feeding me lies and once again abandoning me, I am just left feeling shocked. I feel like he has emotionally slapped me. It seems like the last few months he’s been building me up only to slap me back down. When you watch this man with other people you would have NO idea he was capable of this behavior. I noticed, when we were dating, when he upset me he would sort of observe me. He would talk to me, but he seemed to be observing my reactions to him. Towards the end of our relationship, he would sometimes laugh at me when I was upset. One night when he was a ‘no show’ when he had agreed to take my daughter and I bowling, and when I found him at his trailer and was yelling at him and telling him that I had had enough a-holes in my life already, he laughed at me. When I asked him what was so funny, he said ‘nothing’. Later, I realized that this same night, he had this same woman ‘hiding’ in his trailer. He ditched us so he could cheat. Also, he has a chihuahua and one of the last times we saw him my daughter was asking about where his dog was. He told her it was at his sisters, but that he was going to get it back in about 2 weeks. My daughter excitedly said she wanted to see him. My ex then replied, “Ok.” Also, he was pretending to be concerned about my car, the one HE bought me, and he was looking under the car trying to figure out what was wrong with it. I didn’t ask him to do any of this. I don’t know why he would do this, when he has NO intention of fixing my car. The only thing I can think of is that he likes ‘building up’ my hopes, knowing full well that he’s not going to do a thing and that he’s going to hurt me. The funny thing about all this is that he still attends these ‘Gnosis’ classes. Last time I saw him I asked him why he even went to the Gnosis classes, cause they apparently weren’t doing anything for him. With all this, I’m wondering if he could have some kind of disorder. Maybe some people are just manipulative or evil without any kind of disorder?



  107.  #107Melanie on August 3, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    BTW, I’m a little confused…in reading some of these stories, it seems the posters are being encouraged to do certain things to try to win back their significant others, even though their husbands/boyfriend have cheated, left them, lied to them. Then in other posts, other people are encouraged to leave their relationships. What makes a man who has left his woman/family worth fighting for? Cheaters are liars aren’t they? Why should they be trusted and ‘fought’ for?



  108.  #108eli on November 10, 2012 at 9:21 am

    Hi Rori,
    I’ve been married for 20 years and discovered my husband was in contact with other women on the Net , meeting them also. Then he went on to sex professionals because he cannot keep up an erection.
    He says its all over in the past but Iam totally devasted by all the lying and sneaking around he has done in the past couple of years. He swears he wants it to work and to go on, but I can’t seem to believe him for some reason. He is unemployed and this is partly when all the trouble began , his self-esteem was non-existent and the impotence problems. I would just tried to find out what was wrong and he wouldn’t respond . I know I have been very hard on him and continue to argue bringing up his sordid past he just wants to look forward and tells me that I am scaring him etc… How can I put it all back into place and get the nasty voice out of my head?



  109.  #109Rori Raye on November 10, 2012 at 11:03 am

    eli – Coaching is what you need here. Your anger is keeping you from experiencing this clearly, and discovering what it is you actually want with this man. To repair the marriage or leave it. Blaming him and arguing and attacking will get you nowhere. Lot’s of amazing coaches I can recommend…Love, Rori



  110.  #110Rori Raye on November 10, 2012 at 11:03 am

    eli – Also – please start with my ebook – it’ll make sense out of everything going on for you….over in the right sidebar, click on the picture of the book…Love, Rori



  111.  #111Aubrielle G. on January 17, 2013 at 10:44 am

    Competing for your own husband? No that’s just stupid, and besides nothing you do is going to change who he is, a selfish pig (and I’m sure a few other choice words). Rori is right about a few things though, you can’t just stay in the middle ground waiting for life to happen to you and you do need to have fun, FOR YOU! I’m going through the same thing and trust me you just need to move on and take care of you.



  112.  #112Rori Raye on January 17, 2013 at 11:09 am

    Aubrielle, Welcome, and though I totally agree with so much of what you say – whatever would you want with a man you consider to be a stupid, selfish pig? When we think of people in this way, we’re activating our “judging” qualities, and then everything goes downhill. No one wants to be around someone who thinks they’re a selfish pig. It might even make them want to be even MORE of a selfish pig in order to make what you think about them true. Transformation starts with unconditional love and acceptance. If you can’t do that with a man – get out of there. Love, Rori



  113.  #113Michelle on January 22, 2013 at 5:50 am

    Hi, I have to say that I am coming at this from another angle as i have done the betrayal and now I’m in a nightmare that i dont know how to get out of! Yes its totally my fault but I have been in a relationship for 12 years, and three of those married yet I have fallen for the attraction of someone else. I was persued by this guy last year… messaging, texting, i got to like him a lot, we saw each other outside of work… I stayed round his house, etc etc. It was so involved that this guy told me he loved me and was jealous of my husband. We then got found out and my husband was obviously furious at us both but he didnt throw me out. We still continued to sleep with each other (me and this guy) even after being found out but then he lost interest as another lady caught his eye. Even though i know im married it broke my heart to see this guy chase another girl – he got angry when i tried to chat with him and said i shouldnt be messing around if im married.
    So now im in a marriage that im not sure whether to end… My husband is a lovely guy and doesnt put a foot wrong – sometimes too nice and i know it would crush him if i left. I have to say though that i felt more love and attraction towards this other guy than i do for my husband. I havent spoken with this other guy for near 6 months but I still think about him a lot and feel i have settled for second best by remaining in my marriage which is destroying it.



  114.  #114Rori Raye on January 22, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    Michelle, Welcome, and I feel the complexity of your situation. Go rent this movie: “Take This Waltz” with Michelle Williams in a similar situation – only she left her husband before she had sex with the other man, which is what I’d like you to reflect on. What you need to look at is what you really want, and how lying to someone you say you love, at least as a friend, is not a good test of your own character or your maturity to be able to really have a great relationship. Everything is about trust and openness – and if you don’t contribute to that – you can’t really FEEL much intimacy. Love, Rori



  115.  #115Michelle on January 23, 2013 at 4:25 am

    Thanks Rori I will check it out. I know i ‘shouldnt’ hold on to feelings for this other guy as he has already made it clear that he doesnt want to be involved with me again although part of me sees that as a challenge to get him back IF i get out of my marriage. I hate the grass is greener feeling… I know i shall probably end up with no one which probably is the best outcome. How can you love someone but lust after another?