Thank you for your brilliant comments and stories and testimonials, and I realize the only way I can answer you in a meaningful way is here in actual posts (please forgive me in advance for replying to some, and not all of your comments – it would be overwhelming for me to even try, so I try to pick the ones from new members of our community, and urgent or frightening issues – and I want to bless you all from my heart for the brilliant help you’re giving each other. If I take issue with anything you say, I’ll reply for sure – but so far – you’re all right on!) – So, here’s my take on this scenario a lot of you seem to be struggling with :
He wants to be a friend, but when you see him and have sex with him it’s amazing, and so you can’t understand why he’s merely “friendly” when he leaves.
Here’s the answer: Men are different from women.
He can have a knock-out, deeply emotional sexual experience with you – sex that “blows-his-mind,” in a way you can FEEL. A way that feels just like the deep emotional experience YOU’RE having. But it’s NOT the same as what you’re feeling.
When we have an orgasm with a man – all kinds of things open up. The hormone oxytocin floods us, and binds us to the man in a scientifically physical and emotional way. Even if he’s a man we weren’t initially attracted to – having a great emotional and physical orgasm with him will bring us into the “falling in love” range.
A man doesn’t work that way. His hormones work completely differently. His GUT tells him who to love and who not to love, and love, for him, does not GROW from not-love. Love does not grow from friendship for a man. And love does not grow from mind-blowing sex. Sex only ADDS TO what he already feels – it CAN’T get those feelings STARTED.
And once his “infatuation” or whatever he felt for you at first turns to “friendship” – that’s pretty much it.
However – a man who’s “in love” in the first place does NOT turn his feelings into “friendship.” If he says he wants to be “friends” – then that’s very possibly the way he ALWAYS felt.
You can save yourself so much pain by NOT ASSUMING ANYTHING. Just because it looks like love to you, and feels like love to you – it doesn’t mean it’s love to HIM.
So what’s the only way to know what he’s really and truly feeling?
Over time, he will insist on a commitment from you. That’s pretty much it.
That means – you NEVER stop dating other men until that commitment is coming at you. And I don’t mean the “girlfriend” commitment – because that’s NOTHING (unless you’re young and still in school). I mean the MARRYING commitment. I mean what HE thinks of as FOREVER.
And if, over time, that commitment is not automatically coming at you, then you have to TALK TO HIM.
The absolutely MOST APPEALING thing a woman can do is SPEAK. And what I mean by that is that you are able to say out loud, in clear words, in a very straight-forward and simple way – exactly what it is you’re feeling, exactly what it is you want, exactly what it is you want him to do in bed, exactly what it is you DON’T want.
If you can “Speak In The Moment” – so that there are few misunderstandings, so he doesn’t have to guess what’s going on with you (because that’s nearly impossible for ANY man – they just don’t work that way), so he can feel relaxed around you and not wonder why you’re tense or cold or what you’re really feeling…you will build an UNBREAKABLE BOND with a man who ALREADY LOVES you!
The possibility of “Forever Love” has to be there for him (and it’s not something you can understand or figure out) before ANYTHING else can kick in.
He has to feel that deep down sense of ATTRACTION – and although you are in control of so much about attraction (any of you who have my Modern Siren program can talk about that, I know) – there are parts of attraction you can’t have any control of.
There are pheremones, and links to his mother and father, and the sound of your voice, and things about you that feel familiar to him and things that feel strange – it’s like a “stew” for him that he just feels in his GUT.
Without the “raw materials” of whatever it is that kicks in attraction for a man – there’s nothing you can do.
However – there’s a lot you CAN do AFTER THAT. All you need is the initial attraction, to know that it’s there for him in a scientific and gut level for him, and you can create more and more attraction until his “infatuation” or “initial attraction” turns into the real thing for him.
So – when you “Speak In The Moment” – when you Talk To Him. When you ask him where he’s at, listen to him, and then use that information to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF – that creates MORE and DEEPER attraction.
What he says is what you get. Men don’t get all gooey and confused when they talk. For the most part, they tell the truth. They’re just not as good at NOT telling the truth as we are (unless he’s a deeply gifted Toxic Man with a smooth tongue).
So if he utters the words “I want to be your friend” – beware. Any energy you spend trying to turn that into passion will look needy, clingy, desperate – and like you aren’t HEARING HIM.
He will feel unheard and unsafe – and he will also automatically assume that YOU are telling the truth.
If you say “okay” to “sex buddy” status – he’ll let you.
He’ll figure you know what you’re doing.
He’ll figure you’re doing what you want.
He’ll let you take responsibility for you.
So don’t get mad at him. He’s telling you to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. And don’t be confused.
To a man: Friends can have sex. Friends can have PASSIONATE sex. Friends can hold hands and kiss. Friends can hang out every night of the week. Friends can do everything together that LOOKS like “relationship” to us. But it isn’t. It isn’t relationship.
Because one thing friends can’t have is ROMANCE. You can’t make it up, or will it into being.
And another thing friends can’t have is commitment and marriage. Because no self-respecting man would be interested in doing that – no matter how your “relationship” looks to you.
Thank him, and KEEP DATING.
Let me know if this helps…Love, Rori