Jen Michelle has the great gift for you of not only being a talented Rori Raye trained coach – she’s also a credentialed therapist! You’ll want to click through to her website and download her free “The 5 Quickest Ways to Get Your Relationship Back on Track” guide->
Here’s what Jen says:
“As a love and relationship coach, I work with many women who are used to solving problems and making it happen in their day-to-day lives. This works well for most of us professionally, but not as well in our intimate relationships.
I often see women stepping up to fix a relationship that feels distant and disconnected by putting all of their effort and focus on it. Yet, instead of feeling better, inevitably more panic and anxiety around the relationship sets in.
Things appear to be getting worse instead of improving.
Yet we have been taught that the more we work on something, the better it should be, right?
I would love to explore why this way of thinking rewards us professionally but does the opposite with love and relationships.
When our partner is pulling away, instinctively we will want to move in and close that space.
If this type of energy dynamic progresses without awareness, we will find ourselves starting to take on more and more to keep the relationship alive in an effort to close the gap.
What is underneath this though is fear — fear of not being enough, fear of not doing enough to be loved, fear of disapproval, and fear of what would happen if we were to stop filling in the space.
This will lead to us vacillating between anger and resentment, then fear and over-functioning.
This leaves us feeling incredibly out of control with our emotions, and we find ourselves NEEDING him to make us feel better, which of course only pushes him further away.
The more we take action out of insecurity and anxiety, the more we expand what we don’t want.
One of the first things I recommend we do to change the dynamic of this vicious cycle is to create space. Creating space has been the most powerful tool for me in healing my own marriage.
Creating space gave me the love and intimacy I always wanted but had no idea to achieve.
This is magical as we unknowingly discover our own value because we are no longer forcing the relationship.
When we create space, and are no longer taking action out of insecurity and fear, we have the opportunity to see the truth of our situation without having manipulated or distorted it so as to protect ourselves from what we may not want to face.
In reality though, this is a very false sense of security, as we will never feel happy or fulfilled in that type of partnership. It will simply not feel real or authentic; it will feel forced and controlled.
Creating this space within ourselves gives our partner room to breathe.
When we are in a state of over-focusing on our relationship, he feels this and it only pushes him away more.
As we create space , we start to live inside of ourselves vs. trying to “get in his head” to guess what he may be thinking or feeling.
More of our actions then start to come from what we want and need vs. basing it off of how it may be received by him, or what he may think.
When we are no longer doing it all and surrender control by connecting to our heart and filling ourselves up, the resentment that has built up within us starts to dissipate.
Of course we will feel fear- fear of what will happen, fear of the relationship sitting on the ground like a deflated balloon, and fear of the relationship coming to an end.
Yet within this space is an authenticity that is powerful. As we come to accept what IS, we realize it feels so much better than trying to cover up or force something that is not real.
The other empowering aspect of this, is that creating this space is incredibly healing.
So often we want to think our way through the relationship like we would with our work, yet this will never create that deep loving connection we desire.
I have found that I now feel best in my feminine energy , as it is there that I rediscover my own feelings of love and worth. It reminds me that I am worth the effort, and I need that from a partner in order to be happy and secure in my relationship.
I know when I was healing my own relationship, the relationship did sit on the floor like a deflated balloon for quite some time.
I allowed myself to feel everything that came up for me during that period.
As I felt my emotions and made peace with where things were, I became reacquainted with myself. I learned how to identify my emotions that had become buried, I learned what my triggers were, I was able to access my intuition again, and my confidence soared.
As time went on, my husband felt this change at a gut level. The space and ability to let go hit the reset button between us. We started to rebuild the relationship. He felt safe to come close again.
There is such strength in knowing that the only person we have control over is ourselves. Any time we feel the urge to control him or force something, yet don’t ultimately give into the urge, we move closer to the love we want.
Love only feels pure when our partner has true freedom to give it. Creating space allows us to surrender and approach our desires from a higher vibrational standpoint.
What I have found in creating space is that it in turn brings back the very thing we were so afraid to let go.