If He’s Racist And Homophobic, What Should You Do?

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The Question:

Rori, this is now an ongoing thing: What if what he’s saying is racist, or homophobic, or classist??

Is this then an issue of me choosing a better partner, because we’re not ethically or morally aligned?

My Answer:

This is happening everywhere, all over the country, and it’s not only dividing us in America all up into little pieces, it’s destroying marriages and relationships because “we had no idea he thought or felt this way, and it feels disgusting…”

  1. There is no way on this earth to love a man and create a good relationship with him if we do not respect him.  His mind, his thoughts, his actions – his character, essentially.

2. I cannot, myself, even imagine respecting a man who does not respect others.

For me, anyone who can get immersed in the “otherness” of other humans, and then get involved, in any thoughtful way with a denigration of other humans is deeply lacking in his own humanness.

*Feelings are feelings – it’s the way he verbalizes and handles those feelings that define his character – not whether or not he FEELS them.

We were all brought up in different ways, with different patterns emerging in our brains.

Maturity and character is about setting your OWN opinions about things, your OWN actions, your OWN words – and not letting anything others say or do define you.

3. Dating is about getting to know someone.

Getting to know who is is, how he is, how he “reacts” and “responds”, how his comfort zone is affecting him: whether it’s ruling over him or simply something he’s aware of, how he thinks, how he translates his feelings and thoughts into action.

Getting exclusively involved, or “serious” with someone you later find out does not match you in maturity and character and self-defining is now showing up out there – and it’s SO painful!

People married for 40 years are now discovering their men do not value feminine autonomy.

Or regulations of any kind on anything THEY think shouldn’t be regulated – yet ALL FOR regulating things THEY think SHOULD be regulated.

Again, that “otherness” should be regulated. “Sameness” should be totally unregulated.

It’s the time for women everywhere to rise up – and I believe it’s beginning to happen.

My Advice:

Talk to him.

If he’s saying things like this all the time, everytime you see the news, everytime a person who’s “other” than him crosses paths with him – then, I couldn’t be with him another minute.

Still, I’d talk with him, not ghost him.  It’s my job as a girl to speak truth, not push it under the rug and walk away.

Say, “I’ve noticed we might have a strong difference between us about something that isn’t about our relationship, which feels great. I feel really upset and bothered by this thing. Would you be willing to tallk about it?

If he doesn’t even say “Yes, of course” – but starts getting defensive – Say, “I hear you, and I need to feel better about this, or I can feel myself distancing myself…” (as you physically walk backwards and away from him).

If he says “Yes…”

Then, “I’ve noticed we feel differently about social things and other people who aren’t straight or white. Racial differences, sexual orientation differences, political differences, all that. Is this something we can talk about, or are we on different sides of the fence?”

And then, if he wants to talk, you say exactly how you feel, WITHOUT MAKING HIM WRONG!

No matter who you’re talking to out there, making them wrong is never, ever helpful.

Truly, honestly, actually hearing people is the only way to  begin a conversation, no matter how disgusted you feel inside.

Here, though, with a man and a romantic relationship: This is not a negotiation.

You’re not going to tolerate his actions and words and reactions.

Because it TURNS YOU OFF.

Plain and simple.

Turn off.

That’s all you ever need to say.

Then, either he makes a point of educating himself and changing his thoughts, words and actions, or you upgrade your Circular Dating so you can meet men who better align with you.

In other words, the way he expresses himself isn’t working for you, and you’re requesting a change.

Alternately, regardless of how he changes his words and actions, you may still feel disgusted by how he FEELS inside.

If that’s happening – this man is not for you. Period.

Love, Rori












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