If He’s Too Suggestive Too Soon – What To Do

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how to attract menHere’s a great question from Deidre about a truly common issue with some men:

“Rori, I live in a large metro area, and one man I Circular Dating lives about 45 minutes away. We have a date for dinner & dancing tomorrow night, this will be our second date. He asked if he could pick me up (I met him at the coffee shop the first time we met).

I felt weird when he asked me, and was not sure if it was a good idea, but I want to move out of my comfort zone and experience new things, so I said yes. We were talking on the phone the other night and he made suggestive comments.

One of the comments he suggested we have a “pre-dinner” drink when he picked me up and we may not make it to dinner!” and said “I feel very warm, I believe I am blushing,” to which he responded by laughing and saying how much he liked me. We talked about dancing and he mentioned how dancing is very intimate. I said I felt apprehensive because I have not been dancing for many years; he said not to worry that he doesn’t think anyone will be watching me, except him. It felt thrilling to be flirted with, and I enjoyed the attention.

Today I have been thinking about this conversation, and am worried that he may want to stay when he takes me home. I have wrote some scripts but I’m wondering about timing – should I wait and see what transpires, but have a script ready for a few scenarios? Or do I bring it up at dinner?

I feel more confident since Circular Dating, and I want to continue to practice my feeling messages. What do you think?

My Answer:

What a great situation and question! This is the point at which you have to SPEAK!!!

And speak the truth – just as you’ve told it to us here.

You need to simply feel powerful enough to be able to say “No” no matter what.

This isn’t about sex – you can have sex with a man whenever you want and it’ll make no difference to the relationship.

This is about YOUR confidence, what you want, and your FEAR of your lack of confidence and displeasing a man.

Write yourself a speech like this one – where you say you… felt so flattered by his flirting, and yet you’re kind of new to dating, and so it feels a bit overwhelming, and it would feel best to just be clear about sex, since it got brought up. That you really like him, and aren’t ruling out sex once you get to know him better, but that you’re a slow starter and may need some time to just really make out with him first!

Don’t give a timeline, or how many dates…just – if he brings it up again, or is suggestive – get straight with him.

And then – if you like him and feel attracted to him – DO make out with him – and say NO when you’ve gone as far as you want to go.

If he doesn’t call again – well, then you’ve smoked him out!

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1surferchica on March 21, 2013 at 5:05 am

    So good!

  2.  #2IamHis on March 21, 2013 at 5:57 am

    I feel triggered and shy and blushy!

    I actually really like this post, except this sentence:

    “This isn’t about sex – you can have sex with a man whenever you want and it’ll make no difference to the relationship.”


    Sorry, I just feel super triggered. :/

    Otherwise, this post felt very soothing to read.

    I felt flattered but shocked and a little uncomfy when Mr. Stares Me Down first started staring me down because it felt super sexual and since I am new at all this, it did feel super awkward to me.

    I almost wrote him off because of it, but I’m glad I didn’t. The more I observe him, the better of a guy he seems.

    My co-worker made a sexy gesture towards me and it wasn’t sexy at all!! I felt REALLY turned off by it.

    I also had a random guy hit on me using a banana reference, and I actually got really mean with him. He could tell I didn’t like it, so he changed his approach, but at that point I had already written him off.

    I just have a firm belief that a relationship shouldn’t start out based on sexual attraction and sex.

    I think I would believe this even if I weren’t a Christian, but I am.

    I mean, doesn’t Rori and Dominique and most relationship experts say that if you feel wildly attracted to someone at first, that could actually be a DANGEROUS thing because of old patterns and habits and all that stuff?

    I feel curious about men who use the sexual method to hit on women.

    I felt judgmental of them for most of my life, thinking that they were just interested “in one thing,” but I’ve really changed my mind since learning more about men.

    Sex is the way they connect with a woman.

    and also, the lines of friendship and flirting and relationships and FWBs are so blurred and confusing these days, I think some men take “the sexual route” of hitting on women, I don’t know, maybe as a way of letting them know that they are generally interested?

    I’m really starting to believe that with some guys, which feels surprising to my old scared little self, bless her heart.

    It feels good to realize that guys aren’t necessarily trying to be “3vil” when they get too sexual too fast…

    I do feel its important to speak your feelings and slow them down. I really do think it increases the amount of respect they have for you, and as the old saying goes, “Men like the chase.”

    I feel good for sticking up for myself here and being vocal about my beliefs about sex.

    Thanks for the post, Rori. It felt mostly good to read.

    Its just the most authentic thing for me to speak my feelings regarding the sensitive issue of sex!!

  3.  #3IamHis on March 21, 2013 at 6:07 am

    awwww, RORI!!!! I just saw your comment to me on the last thread, #320, I think. THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I feel surprised, teary, and honored. Wow.

  4.  #4IamHis on March 21, 2013 at 6:09 am

    It reminds me of this quote by Johnny Depp:

    “I’ve always been drawn to damaged people. I don’t know why. We’re all damaged in our own way.”

    But I think you are right.

    We aren’t damaged.

    We are beautiful works in progress…

  5.  #5IamHis on March 21, 2013 at 6:34 am

    @2 IamHis – I meant to say “genuinely interested.”

  6.  #6Mercedes on March 21, 2013 at 7:53 am

    I don’t know if I can agree with this: “you can have sex with a man whenever you want and it’ll make no difference to the relationship.”

    I believe it’s possible it will make no difference to the relationship. I also believe there is a great risk of it affecting the relationship significantly if you have sex very early on.

    I believe that having sex early on can also have an affect on people’s emotions which can then change the way the relationship will go from there. Sex is a very emotional act and our emotions change a lot about a lot of things so I can’t imagine those emotions not making any difference to a relationship.

    I guess I just think sex changes a lot of things and DOES make a difference. Usually a significant one.

    But…it’s possible nothing would change. I think just possible though…not probable…

    This part of it I LOVE: “This is about YOUR confidence, what you want, and your FEAR of your lack of confidence and displeasing a man.”

    “Your fear of your lack of confidence.” That’s real…

    Much Love,

  7.  #7nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 8:05 am

    IamHis & Mercedes, I left a comment on the other thread asking for advice but seems we’ve come over here now. I’m gonna put it here. I’m feeling down and can really use your advice. THanks.

  8.  #8nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 8:12 am




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  9.  #9nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 8:13 am

    Ok well copy and paste isn’t working…

  10.  #10nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 8:14 am

    I need help! Last night was a great night. I saw M while out with a few of my girl friends, it was nice. He kissed me and asked me to text him when I got home. Only he texted me first saying he was sorry he had to leave and I looked really cute. I told him thank you and I hadnt realized how much I missed him till I saw him and he said he missed me too. I told him I liked hearing that and then asked about tomorrow night (tonight) cause we had tenative plans. He has something going on with friends for march madness friday and works saturday night so we won’t see each other over the weekend. I said we don’t have to go out lets just hang, what do you think? And he said we can do that and we’d talk today (thursday). Well I woke up today sooo happy … BUT just got a text from him saying “Firgured I’d let you know now. I’m probably not going to be able to hang tonight. I just have to much crap going on Friday” I’m sooooo upset and disapointed. I’m a little mad too. Why did he say yes last night then? I mean what changed from 11:30pm last night to 10am today? How do I respond!!!! I saw him briefly last night but besides that its been 2 weeks on friday since we’ve seen eachother. We have NEVER gone that long

  11.  #11nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 8:24 am

    I really do want him to have a good time tomorrow with his friends, I know he gets together for this once a year and it’s with his friends that are all spread out now since high school but I really did want to see him tonight. I feel really hurt and am trying not to cry cause I feel stupid for doing that. This isn’t something to cry over, but I’m so mad, sad, hurt, frustrated, dissapointed, let down. PISSED!!! I want to let him know I both want him to have fun tomorrow and how I feel about tonight

  12.  #12Mercedes on March 21, 2013 at 8:34 am

    nme: If it were me, I would tell him I feel disappointed and then I would make plans to do something totally fun that you can talk to him about next time you do see him. Otherwise, he’ll be telling you about how much fun HE had and you’ll have memories and stories of sitting home being angry and wishing he was there. You want better memories of tonight than that, right? 🙂

    You don’t NEED him there for you to be happy and to have fun. Now’s a good time to prove that to him and to yourself…

    Much Love,

  13.  #13nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 9:03 am

    I definitely don’t NEED him to be happy and have fun BUT it makes me feel unimportant and unwanted. How do things change in 12 hours? How does a busy Friday make hanging out for a few hours on Thursday unattainable? I feel like I need to have a conversation with him and tell him how I feel and ask him what he thinks….because I feel like he does not have time for me and although the last thing I want is to end things I feel like I just keep being hurt. I do feel like he likes me but not enough to put any effort in and I deserve more. It just crushes me cause it was so great and I want that back. I Judy don’t want what we have now. Am I being way overly emotional? Cause I definitely lost the battle of not getting upset and am totally crying over this stupid crap.

  14.  #14nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 9:07 am

    So how should I word this text cause I feel like I can totally screw it up with how I’m feeling right now.

    “ok, I feel disappointed.” Just that? I feel like I want to say “let me know when your free” or “let me know when you will have time for me” lol, but I’m sure I shouldn’t say that.

  15.  #15Emerson on March 21, 2013 at 9:15 am


  16.  #16Mercedes on March 21, 2013 at 9:16 am

    nme: I don’t really know what to say other than “Ok, I feel disappointed.”

    This is where circular dating really, really helps. Your schedule is filled up with FIRM dates and fun things to do. If a man leaves you hanging at the last minute, he can be removed from the rotation. You will never find yourself waiting and hoping that one guy will step up and ask you out or will make firm plans or won’t cancel at the last minute because you’re not all that hung up on anyone so early on.

    ” I feel like I need to have a conversation with him and tell him how I feel and ask him what he thinks….because I feel like he does not have time for me and although the last thing I want is to end things I feel like I just keep being hurt.’

    I’m not good at those kind of conversations so someone else here might have advice on how to handle that piece of it. In my opinion, if a man is treating you like he doesn’t have time for you then you should definitely be filling up your own time so you are much less available to HIM when he does have time.

    I know you don’t need him to have fun and be happy but your vibe is kind of telling me you don’t fully believe that right now. (just the feeling I get from across the internet, not saying you actually feel that way). What I’d like to see is this man having no doubt that you are busy and having fun and enjoying life and that if he wants you there, he’s going to have to call in advance and make some concrete plans.

    Much Love,

  17.  #17Emerson on March 21, 2013 at 9:20 am

    First, no urgency in responding… Take your time…
    Perhaps express that it feels bad to be cancelled on via text… And maybe “i feel disconnected….”
    If that is how you feel…
    And leave it at that….not asking let me know when you are free etc…

    This is where I’ve found CDing other guys, myself, friends comes in handy. Sounds silly but when in doubt I get a mani pedi and then go to a coffee shop with my favorite book and practice roris tools….flirt with men…that always makes me feel better!!

  18.  #18Emerson on March 21, 2013 at 9:24 am

    I also sometimes don’t respond at all if I don’t like the vibe I’m feeling from myself and I don’t want to come across a certain way… I will just wait and respond later when I feel better…I mean way later like hours later….!!!

    You are not required to respond immediately …

  19.  #19Emerson on March 21, 2013 at 9:32 am

    So I’m feeling a bit if disappointment myself… The new cd I had just started talking to on Monday who sounded so great, easy to talk to, sweet,,,, never contacted me to firm up our tentative plans for today…

    He’s officially dropped.

    Another one bites the dust.

    ExoticCD is still a confusing one… I know I need to get some guts to express how I really feel with him but I have a fear of being rejected that’s why I’m not being authentic…how I feel is that I feel uncomfortable with the sexual suggestions (i feel its a bit too soon, just like this article is talking about!!)…
    And also I don’t want to hear about his girl “friend”…
    The other thing is him texting people while with me… Umm I said nothing but now I wish I had…
    Suggestions or feedback welcome sirens … Mercedes…Dominique …

  20.  #20Indigo on March 21, 2013 at 9:32 am


    I’ve practised communicating with guys a lot, and for me, I’ve found that communicating simply and authentically is best. So you can say what you have said to us, that you feel sad, mad, disappointed, hurt and not a priority. You can maybe also say that you feel confused as to how you got to this point and can he help you with that?

    You can perhaps say, you want him to have a good time with his friends, and yet you can’t help how sad and disappointed you feel.

    The caveat is that you need to deliver your feeling messages with no expectation and no investment in the outcome. So you say how you feel, and then you immediately take the attention off him and go and pamper and care for yourself, and do something fun for you.

    For me, this has worked extremely well.

  21.  #21Emerson on March 21, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Oh and exoticCD texts or calls every day but does not make plans … Last weekend I talked to him and told him I went hiking in the morning and he said oh you should have told me I would have gone with you ! Sweet 🙂 yes,…
    But I said oh I don’t call men up and ask them to make plans I feel uncomfortable doing that …. He was like oh ok! But…..then…. Never makes plans with me?!?!
    Ugh. Maybe ill just stop answering the phone but I’m curious why he’s like this … I want to know.. Should I ask? I do want to see him…

  22.  #22nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 9:35 am

    @mercedes- I hear you on why cding is good when it comes to things like this but I can’t cd without having a conversation with M. In my mind that would be cheating since we are only seeing eachothers and that is understood on both ends. It’s not a casual thing its my boyfriend hurting me and our relationship. 🙁 so sad right now. And while I really can have fun wout him I really don’t want to do anything elsetonight. What I want is to understand him and what’s going on and I don’t. I am feeling very frustrated. I just want to say ro him “if this is to much for you right now why not just tell me and move on rather then neglect me”

  23.  #23nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 9:38 am

    @emerson: Yeah I got the message a couple hours ago and I’m still not feeling better. I want to yell at him. 🙁

  24.  #24Indigo on March 21, 2013 at 9:40 am

    I love this idea: with the right man you have a million chances to do it over and get it right.

  25.  #25nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Thank you. I think I’m gonna try your way cause that’s sitting the best with me right now. I’m no good pretending to not be upset or mad when I am. I also hate regrets, I don’t want to say I wish he really knew how I felt. I want him to know. I think the only reason I haven’t done this already is because I’m afraid he will just reject me completely and I’m putting more pressure on him. But I need to be true to me and say how I really feel. I like how you still put in the having fun w friends cause that’s so how I feel. I want him to have his friends and do his guy things, I just want to feel like he wants to see me too.

  26.  #26Emerson on March 21, 2013 at 9:48 am

    22 NME
    I hear what you’re saying to mecedes about not wanting to “cheat” but maybe if he is not giving you the time and devotion that a relationship should have… It may be time for the Rori no girlfriend speech…. How can you be expected to sit alone at home while he is out having fun all the while you are being faithful/ loyal whatever you want to call it…
    I would feel angry and like I’m not looking out for myself…
    I know because I was that way for a loooong time…
    How old are you both I’m just curious…

  27.  #27Emerson on March 21, 2013 at 9:52 am

    Don’t get me wrong I’m all for loyalty and faithfulness within a relationship but when you’re not having your needs met and feeling pushed aside and not a priority … It’s time to switch perspective ….
    (((NME))) hugs to you and I think it’s fine to express your feelings including anger… But just be authentic and perhaps your anger is not just about tonight but about the past couple of weeks feeling neglected and disconnected! You are a beautiful woman and you deserve more than crumbs!!!

  28.  #28Emerson on March 21, 2013 at 9:53 am

    Just to clarify by switching perspective I don’t mean to suggest not being faithful I just mean it may be time to reframe the relationship entirely in my mind…

  29.  #29nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 10:03 am


    I get what you meant. Having come out of an 11 year marriage where there was faithfulness I just never want that to be an issue in my relationships now. I do think it may be time for a conversation. The sad thing is I’m totally ok with not seeing him that often since I know he’s just got a work promotion and he is starting back up with school as long as I feel like when he has time he wants to share it with me. I don’t get that from him right now though.

    Also your right that my anger is a culmination of weeks past….how to express that though!

    And last…I’m 31 and he is 34.

  30.  #30nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 10:04 am

    *unfaithfulness is what I meant

  31.  #31Femininewoman on March 21, 2013 at 10:08 am

    Emerson I believe I would experiment at least once to let him know I am going “to……………………. let me know if you are interested in joining me” or something along those lines. Then you will get more of a sense of who he is. If he is a man who shares power with a woman he will be open to accepting the suggestion, at least once in a while. He might not be but then again what the heck, he is not making plans. If he does not accept you get to face your possible feeling of rejection and then talk to him about it if it shows up. If you don’t care if he accepts then if he does not accept you know you will never do that again. Just be careful to not strategize to get to be with him.

  32.  #32nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 10:10 am

    And I’m going to go shopping tonight. Need an easter dress and a fab new necklace from my favorite accessory store! Maybe grab some sushi and a movie afterwards.

  33.  #33Emerson on March 21, 2013 at 10:11 am

    I understand what you’re saying NME but are you being 100% honest with yourself that you are ok not seeing him much ?

  34.  #34IamHis on March 21, 2013 at 10:12 am

    @10 nme008 – I feel really flattered that you are seeking my advice! I feel so embarrassed about my lack of experience sometimes, but it feels good to know that I might’ve helped you, and I will definitely try to help you now.

    I would echo what Mercedes said in comment #12. Having your own little personal, fun, curious, don’t-know-what-to-expect adventure FEELS AMAZING when you feel disappointed that you don’t get to see/be with a guy you really wanted to see/were expecting to see.

    Second of all, from reading what happened with your interaction last night…WOW! This guy is REALLY into you! He’s in masculine energy (hot) kissing you, concerned for your safety (shown by how he wanted you text him when you got home (also hot), REALLY INTO YOU (couldn’t even WAIT for you to text him first…he wants you, girl!) telling you how cute you looked (awww, sweet!), being cool with “just hanging (also extremely sweet!)

    I wanted to point out just HOW INTO YOU HE REALLY IS, so you can really dwell on that, appreciate it, and let yourself feel all the good, warm, gushy feelings that are associated with this FACT: HE’S INTO YOU.
    You can remember these GOOD FEELINGS if you ever slip into that needy, insecure, scared place that you seem to be in right now. IT’S OKAY. HE REALLY DOES CARE ABOUT YOU.

    Again, one thing I’ve learned from Rori is that men view time completely differently from women. Two weeks feels like AN ETERNITY to us women, but let me just reassure you again, HE IS MISSING YOU TOO, just a busy, happy, active man (also hot!)

    as far as what to say to him,

    Yes, definitely tell him that you feel disappointed. You want to be authentic as possible here, without making him feel “responsible” for your negative feelings. Men hate that, because they really do just want to make you happy!

    For that reason, Rori says to avoid using words like “hurt” because it makes them feel really bad and guilty for being the ones to “hurt” you.

    I don’t feel like you have to stop with just saying “I feel disappointed.” You are obviously feeling WAY MORE than that.

    I wouldn’t tell him that you feel mad. DEFINITELY DON’T ask him “Why did you say you could hang out last night and then change your mind?” This feels EXTREMELY disrespectful and blame-y to a man. I think Rori calls this “asking the innocent question”and it’s a big NO NO!

  35.  #35Mercedes on March 21, 2013 at 10:13 am

    Emerson: “ExoticCD is still a confusing one” – I don’t think he’s all that confusing. I think he’s disrespectful and I wouldn’t have stuck around near as long as you have. If you want to know why he’s like this, maybe just ask. Straight up. “Why do you treat me with such disrespect? I’m curious. I mean, you know I don’t like asking men out but you never ask me out, you text with other people when I’m right there in front of you, yet you expect that I’d be open to sexual suggestions even though you never make plans to even date me and you consistently talk to me about another woman in your life. What’s up with that?” And then move on.

    I like the advice you gave to nme about her boyfriend a lot I think you could apply this piece of it well (only in a different way): “when you’re not having your needs met and feeling pushed aside and not a priority … It’s time to switch perspective ….”

    Your comment #26 was spot on. I was going to suggest that speech myself.

    nme: I get the boyfriend thing and the feeling like you are cheating. That’s why I told J the truth when I did it. But you don’t really want to date other men or chance losing him so that sends us into a circle again. lol. My advice won’t really apply to your situation because of how you feel about it but if it were me, I’d:

    1. Tell him I enjoy being with him so much and that I want to continue seeing him but I’m also looking for more than what we have together so I am going to begin dating other men as well.

    2. Start dating other men.

    3. See if he steps up faster than the other men I’m dating.

    There’s a lot of power in knowing that whether or not a relationship works out is as much in your hands as it is in his… You get to decide where the relationship goes.

    Much Love,

  36.  #36Femininewoman on March 21, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Memulo you seem very determined to undermine and sabotage yourself. I wonder what this will look like 10 years from now.

  37.  #37nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Honestly? I think I would be as long as there was something. Like we saw eachothers once a week and maybe talked a couple of times. I guess I look at it like this….he has played on a pool league for 11 years now, he goes every Wed night no matter what. Occasionally he will miss it for something that comes up, but rarely. So if he can commit to that I just ask for the same, if he can commit to seeing me once a week I’d be good, and if on occasion he needs to cancel that’s ok. Am I making sense?

  38.  #38IamHis on March 21, 2013 at 10:16 am

    @10 nme008 – cont. –

    It would be like if you said yes to a date, but then weren’t feeling up to it for whatever reason, and then the man yelled at you “WHY DID YOU SAY YES AND THEN CANCEL ON ME I’M SO ANGRY!” Ouch. Doesn’t feel good to hear.

    So, if it were me, I would say something really raw and authentic like this:

    “I feel soooooo disappointed. I feel really sad that I won’t get to see you, so sad that I’m sitting here trying REALLY HARD not to ball my eyes out.

    I feel really frustrated because I want to see you so badly! I feel embarrassed about how badly I want to see you! I really do want you to have fun tomorrow, and that’s part of the reason I feel so embarrassed. I just feel really over-whelmed with disappointment and kind of embarrassed about the intensity of my feelings.”

    Or whatever it is that you’re genuinely feeling…that DOESN’T include pissed, hurt, or let down. (if I were the guy, those three particular words would make me feel really bad and guilty…you don’t want him to feel that way, do you?)

    This is a WONDERFUL opportunity for you to practice being vulnerable with him, and to open up more about your fears and insecurities.

    Men practically EAT vulnerability out of a woman’s hands. They were designed to protect and value the vulnerability and honesty of a woman.

    I don’t think it would hurt for you to politely ask him to please let you know when he’s available again.

    Men like to know how much you’re into them just as much as we like to know how into us they are.

    However, I WOULD NOT politely ask him to let you know when he’s available again for this reason:

    This is ANOTHER WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY for you to learn how to be comfortable being alone with yourself and taking good care of yourself.

    With your young marriage, you likely didn’t have a lot of this valuable “getting to know yourself” time, and I cannot emphasize how incredibly VALUABLE that time to get to know yourself is.

    It might feel lonely at first. It might feel scary at first. You might even experience the scary emotion of rage. Eventually and hopefully, you’ll start to notice patterns in your emotional reactions, and you’ll start to figure out WHY you react the way you do, and how to be OKAY with you and your feelings.

    (that’s really the goal of all of Rori’s programs. High self-esteem and feeling great about yourself, with or without a man!)

    Check out all of Rori’s programs that you can, stay on the blog, and I know you’re gonna be just fine.

    And in case you still have any nagging doubts, YES, this guy is really into you and he sounds amazing!

    Try not to push him away because you feel scared or angry.


    Woo, that was a novel! I feel embarrassed for writing so much, but it felt great and therapeutic to me! so, thanks nme!!! 🙂

  39.  #39Indigo on March 21, 2013 at 10:19 am

    Emerson 33

    I think that’s a good question to nme.

    I know that I personally am not ok with not seeing my guy much. I know that it can cause me to express my feelings, and I am careful how I do it, and I have refined how I express my feelings a lot over time.

    But hence he knows I feel that way, I always figure he can leave if it is too much for him. Instead he has consistently made an effort over time to see me regularly, and whilst it is an effort for me to keep expressing my feelings, he has become intimately acquainted with how I feel about things.

  40.  #40Femininewoman on March 21, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Regarding disrespect, I believe each person experiences respect/disrespect differently. I kinda like what Mercedes said but at the same time I also appreciate that he might not see himself as being disrespectful. Maybe Emerson is kinda inspiring this behavior from him unconsciously. So while I would ask I believe I would want to know if there is something I might have said or done that gave him the impression that I was okay with him texting while with me or talking about the other woman. I say this because I have been there. I remember clearly on cd turned his phone down on the table and pushed it aside. Then I asked about the business and how things were going. Next thing I knew he picked up the phone and was working out some logistics with his assistant.

  41.  #41IamHis on March 21, 2013 at 10:21 am

    You are making perfect sense, Nme. When you two have the opportunity to talk again, you could say something like

    “it would feel so great if we had one night of the week reserved just for us. What do you think?”

    and then, the two of you could discuss options from there.

    Hope that helps. 🙂

  42.  #42nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 10:25 am


    THANK YOU! 🙂 Although I do feel like we have some issues here and he is nit treating me the way I want and deserve right now it was nice to have you point that all out and made me smile. I hadn’t realised what you said about using the word hurt though….hmmm, I really do feel hurt by him hut I guess I see the negative affect it can have. Oh and I do remember the part of the book about “the innocent question” lol, good refresher! Thx.

  43.  #43Mercedes on March 21, 2013 at 10:25 am

    FW: ” I kinda like what Mercedes said but at the same time I also appreciate that he might not see himself as being disrespectful.”

    I agree completely. I think most of the time when people are being disrespectful they don’t even realize it and certainly don’t mean it. The key for me is when I bring it to their attention, do they continue or do they change behavior?

    Much Love,

  44.  #44Mercedes on March 21, 2013 at 10:30 am

    FW: J used to text while at the dinner table with me (in restaurants). While we were sitting there one time I sent him a text: “Is this text more important than the last one you read?” He also turned his phone upside down and stopped. Now, he tells me when he has something going on at work that will require more of his attention than normal so I can be prepared. If there isn’t anything urgent, he doesn’t disrespect me that way anymore.

    I know he didn’t mean to be disrespectful and he wasn’t trying to hurt me. It’s the times….everyone uses their phones all the time…blah…blah…blah. It’s disrespectful whether people realize it or not. So, I said something and it doesn’t happen anymore. I’m happy about that. 🙂

    Much Love,

  45.  #45IamHis on March 21, 2013 at 10:31 am

    Nme – one other thing, just don’t make it feel like he “has to” set aside one night a week for you two. That can feel extremely demanding to a man, and a relationship is in a completely different “waffle compartment” than his weekly pool nights.

    Have you heard of the “men have brains like waffles and women have brains like spaghetti” theory?

    It’s fascinating and it really helps you to understand men. 🙂

  46.  #46nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 10:36 am

    Indigo #39

    I feel like with my situation at this point in our relationship I’d be ok with once a week. As it is right now I have my kids every Monday and Tuesday so those nights are out. I’m not ready for them to meet yet. And then I have them every other Friday, Saturday and Sunday. So I am busy with my kids and once I start working again I’m sure it will be even harder. My point is no matter how hard I want to see him do I’d make it happen and I’d want the sane level of commitment on his end.

  47.  #47nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 10:37 am

    IamHis please expand on this theory, I’ve never heard of it lol.

  48.  #48nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 10:41 am

    Mercedes #44

    Lol, I love that you did that. M and I had that issue but I was the one using my phone all the time. He finally said something about even when we are together he doesn’t feel like I’m there cause of the phone. I was embarrassed and wished he said something sooner. Now I leave my phone in my purse when we are together.

  49.  #49nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 10:43 am

    Mercedes #35 I feel like this is what is going to have to happen…..even though its not exactly what I want.

  50.  #50Indigo on March 21, 2013 at 10:46 am

    nme 46

    That’s great 🙂

    Different things really do feel good for different people. I hope you work this out or at least start feeling better about it. That, to me, is the goal. Feeling better.

    hugs to you

  51.  #51IamHis on March 21, 2013 at 10:50 am

    @47 Nme008 – haha, it sounds funny, right?

    Basically, mens brains are designed to acutely focus on one thing at a time. If he’s in the “work” portion of his “waffle brain” then the only thing he is focused on is work. He simply is not able to focus on more than just “work” when he is in the “work portion” of his brain.

    Men also have a “hobby” portion of their brain (sports, history, whatever they are into,), a “friends” portion, a “finances” portion, a philosophical portion, an emotional portion, relationship portion, sex portion, a family portion, etc.

    We women think about all of these things too, but “all at once” and everything’s connected.

    Men can’t think like that, and sometimes don’t see the connections that we women see.

    For example, if you were to call him up at work telling him how sad you felt that he didn’t call like he said he would, he might get grouchy and overwhelmed with you, simply because “he” is in the “work portion” of his brain and feel overwhelmed with this “relationship” demand.

    Men simply can’t think about more than one thing at once in the same way women can, and when women demand that they do, they often will get grouchy and frustrated because they are unable to please BOSS MAN and WOMAN LOVE at the same time.

    I think of it like too much “emotional syrup” being poured all over the poor man’s waffle brain.

    Men also have “nothing” portions of their brains, where when you ask them what they’re thinking they say “nothing” and they really, REALLY mean it!

    Guys can seem really insensitive to women because of this inability to think about several different things at once, and how they relate, and how everything affects everything else.

    It’s not that they don’t care. They really do!

    It’s just harder for them to access every area of their heart and mind.

    and that’s why they need us women as “helpmeets” as the bible calls wives to husbands, to “help” them see the relationships that everything has to everything.

    Does that make sense?

    There’s a books and lots of articles online where you can read more! 🙂

  52.  #52IamHis on March 21, 2013 at 10:56 am

    Love this quote from The Energy Bus, by Jon Gordon:

    “The heart acts as an emotional conductor and radiates how you are feeling to every cell in the body via the heart’s electromagnetic field. This energy field can be detected up to 5 to 10 feet away.”

    Amazing, right?

    I feel kind of shy writing about this, but I was feeling extremely sad and overwhelmed the other night at class, and I wasn’t even thinking “hey, I need to let myself feel this” I just FELT it with every ounce of my being. I didn’t like feeling so sad. 🙁

    It was like SMC could feel my sadness too. He seemed magnetically drawn to me.

    It didn’t make me feel angry, which I think it would have a long time ago, seeing as he is an engaged man and all.

    It made me feel really safe and like he just wanted to protect me and make the pain go away. That felt so good to see that he still cares about me as a person, even though I told him I couldn’t handle being friends…

    He really is a good man.

    I don’t feel any harsh feelings towards him at all.

    I just feel a little disappointed that such a good one got away…

  53.  #53Femininewoman on March 21, 2013 at 10:59 am

    Mercedes I am all for saying something just that the message you suggested felt really charged with a lot of blame to me. In the situation the man stills seem to be a stranger so I am not sure how productive going down the blame road might be. Maybe I would just get up and walk away during one of those times if given the opportunity again. My thinking is that he is not so important anyway

  54.  #54nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 11:14 am

    I sent him this “I want you to have a good time with your friends, and yet I can’t help how disappointed I feel that we wo’t have any time together.” I honestly don’t expect to hear back from him till a lot later tonight if at all….and I’m not reaching out again. I’ll see him Sat night cause I’m having a girl’s night out and our meeting point is where he works but that’s it. I’m not even telling him I’ll see him then, cause its not about him.

    BTW its a side job he does every other Saturday night, he has a regular day job lol.

  55.  #55IamHis on March 21, 2013 at 11:22 am

    @54 nme008 – That text sounds good. You could say more later if you wanted to, or not.

    It’s GREAT that you don’t “expect” to hear back from him. Expectations usually set us up for disappointment. Its better to be pleasantly surprised by all the good and wonderful things that men do for us.

    “it’s not about him” You are absolutely right.

    another book I would recommend is “It’s All About Him” by Denise Jackson, country singer Alan Jackson’s wife.

    The book is all about the relationship between Denise and Alan, about their divorce, about Denise finding out that It’s all about G0D, not Alan, and how that was ultimately what helped to reconcile their marriage and make it stronger than ever.

    I loved it!

  56.  #56Femininewoman on March 21, 2013 at 11:23 am

    Nme – I found myself wondering about your btw in 54 above. I am wondering why you felt the need to explain?

  57.  #57Linda G on March 21, 2013 at 11:35 am

    when this happens:
    “My co-worker made a sexy gesture towards me and it wasn’t sexy at all!! I felt REALLY turned off by it.

    I also had a random guy hit on me using a banana reference, and I actually got really mean with him. He could tell I didn’t like it, so he changed his approach, but at that point I had already written him off.”

    this is not sexual attraction, it feels more like sexual harrasment,

  58.  #58IamHis on March 21, 2013 at 11:42 am

    @57 Linda G – wow. Thank you for being brave enough to point this out to me.

    I wasn’t hugely offended by “the sexy gesture” my co-worker made towards me. I know he didn’t mean it in a “sexually preying on me” kind of way. I just felt turned off because it wasn’t sexy at all, and I could tell he was trying to be playful and sexy.

    The “random guy” wasn’t a co-worker, I’d be more likely investigate sexual harrassment with this random guy.

    Even with him though, I could tell he didn’t mean it in a “bad way,” whatever that means.

    His “second approach,” if you will, was a million times more tasteful, and I could tell that he was trying to show me his “good side” with that approach.

    It just felt distasteful.

    I feel so curious that you brought up sexual harrassment. I haven’t heard that term thrown around much lately. I feel like it was way more common in the 80’s and 90’s.

    Sex seems like a really taboo and disgustingly discussed topic these days.

    I kind of miss “the sexual harrassment days.”

    I really do appreciate your concern.

    Thank you. 🙂

  59.  #59nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    #56 Femininewoman:

    I really don’t know why. I guess it’s because I don’t want it to seem that I’m in a relationship and putting this much effort into a man that is a bouncer at a bar on Saturday nights. And that coming out sounds really judgemental. I know I am that sometimes…well a lot of times. I guess when looking for a man there are a lot of things I look for. Once we get past the physical attraction I want a man of worth, not that he couldn’t be doing that as a living but honestly thats not the type of guy that would interest me long term. I like that he has a career as an accountant and has worked really hard to get where he is with that. I don’t mind the bar scene sometimes but if that was his job/life we wouldn’t be a good match.

  60.  #60Linda on March 21, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    “I feel so curious that you brought up sexual harrassment. I haven’t heard that term thrown around much lately. I feel like it was way more common in the 80′s and 90′s.”

    Oh my gosh, I feel ancient!

  61.  #61IamHis on March 21, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    @60 Linda – I kinda do too. (actually, not really, I’m a pretty young woman.) but I know plenty of young women who would give you a blank look if you were to use the term “sexual harrassment” with them.

  62.  #62nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    I just want to say thank you to each and every one of you here….today I was in such a sad state and although I still feel concerned over my relationship and disconnected with M both over tonight and other reasons I feel a lot better having chatted about it with you all. So again…thank you!

  63.  #63Emerson on March 21, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    Fw thanks for your input about the texting and Mercedes too …. I still don’t know what to say or do to “not inspire” him to disrespect me I feel hopeless 🙁

    I am bad about addressing something immediately when something is happening that bothers me… I want to change that … I freeze and go silent … Later i think of great responses but by then it’s too late …I need a script in my head when he:
    1. Talks about the girl “friend”
    2. Texts whe with me
    3. Is too sexually suggestive for my comfort level

    Maybe he’s not the most important person on the planet hi it’s good for me to practice these things ….

  64.  #64Emerson on March 21, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    NME it’s been nice “talking” with you today and I hope things turn out well & don’t forget you are a siren 🙂

  65.  #65Emerson on March 21, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    I am realizing how much I need my “down time” and time alone… I have been lacking this! As a result I’ve been really tense …

  66.  #66Emerson on March 21, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    Whaaa sexual harassment is still something that is not tolerated in California at least … We know what it is!

  67.  #67nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    Thank you Emerson!!! Oh and I was in retail management for the last 8 years and believe me sexual harrassment is still something in PA as well. lol….

  68.  #68Nicole on March 21, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    And I’ve finally fixed my pic, yay and decided to use my name instead of nme008….so hello again ladies, I’m Nicole.

  69.  #69Smile on March 21, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    Feeling all warm and fuzzy inside and yet surprisingly unattached. Wow, this feels amazing 🙂

    For the first time ever I have a guy chasing me, who’s invested more than me. I feel alive with life!

  70.  #70Memulo on March 21, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    Smile, may I ask if it makes you feel happy that he is invested more than you are?

  71.  #71Smile on March 21, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    Memulo, totally, I don’t feel needy or insecure. His energy flows towards me all the time.

    Really what I mean is it’s nice to be on the receiving end of receiving the I miss you messages and him texting me first rather than me being the one instigating or wanting something more.

  72.  #72Smile on March 21, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    He’s chasing me. I’m happy and content within and experiencing no attatchment to the outcome.

    Forever feels so scary and overwhelming so I’m just loving each moment as it arrives.

  73.  #73nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    Wishing I had that in my relationship right now Smile. Lucky girl.

    So just dropped my kids off to their dads for the night, should be excited to get ready and see M but that’s not happening now. Feeling sad but refuse to cry again today. Going to get a dress and necklace.

  74.  #74Smile on March 21, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    nme, this is where a year on the blog and working on yourself gets you… Happy thank you more please 🙂

    Ugh I was such a mess when I first came to the blog my world came tumbling down. These lovely sirens picked me up and supported me and here I am now all content and glittering. It’s not even because of a man, it’s my love of life shining through.

  75.  #75Dominique on March 21, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    Emerson – 19 – If you don’t like how you are being treated, what does it matter if he rejects you? It sounds like you’re already rejecting him in some ways. From what you say here, his manners are not so great. Seems obvious that texting while on a date or talking about an ex is not cool.


  76.  #76Smile on March 21, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    Nme, feeling sad but refuse to let yourself cry. Let yourself, it’s ok. Feel your feelings.

  77.  #77Emerson on March 21, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    Thanks Dominique

  78.  #78Smile on March 21, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    Glad your feeling better dominique 🙂

  79.  #79Dominique on March 21, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    Thank you Smile – getting there slowly, way too slowly for my preference though.


  80.  #80Smile on March 21, 2013 at 2:52 pm

    He he, I’m living life at 100 miles an hour so I know what you mean 🙂 x

  81.  #81Smile on March 21, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    Hm… Do I have a relationship? He calls me his girlfriend and it’s only been 4 months. Its still fresh for me 🙂

  82.  #82Smile on March 21, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    At month 3 strummingman and I were living together, although we knew each other long before. Im loving the uncommitted stage.

  83.  #83Smile on March 21, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    Weary of instant relationships :/
    I’m in no rush 🙂

  84.  #84Memulo on March 21, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    Thanks Smile. It works well if you really like him too. If you’re not sure, it doesn’t really matter enough. At least this is how it felt to me;)

  85.  #85Smile on March 21, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    In the mean time I’m circular dating myself. I’m not emitting the ‘taken’ vibe. My options are open but I lobe the feeling of being got as mercedes describes it 🙂

  86.  #86Smile on March 21, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    Memulo, I really like him 🙂

  87.  #87Smile on March 21, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    Memulo, when I was dating lots of guys there were some who I felt smothered by. Their attention didn’t feel good. It opened my eyes. They felt needy to me when I didn’t reply instantly. Some I felt no attraction to or repulsed me. I’ve never not felt attracted to a guy so this was new to me.

    So it s nice to have welcome attention 🙂

  88.  #88Memulo on March 21, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    That is great Smile! 😉

  89.  #89nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    I seriously get do confused….I hear “go have fun and be busy” “be ok bring alone ometimes” “don’t let him.get you so sad” well I am let down and sad and I am crying now. We are only 4 1/2 months but were “relationship” from the start and I loved it, but the last month has seriously sucked and changed. I just don’t know why. Anyway…..just went in the mall to my favorite store and bought nothing. So not intthe mood. I put a feeling message out there with him today in response to him canceling tonight and I didn’t expect a thing back from him…..sometimes I would love for him to not live up to expectations….would have been nice to be pleasantly surprised tonight. 🙁

  90.  #90Smile on March 21, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    Nme, if you feel sad then feel sad, that’s okay but don’t wollow in it, acknowledge your feelings and pick yourself up.

    My advice to myself and my situation last year would be just forget him and concentrate on me. Don’t give him any thought or energy. Easier said than done. Feel sad but fill your life up so you get to the end of the day and when you see a text off him it warms you up inside.

  91.  #91Smile on March 21, 2013 at 3:31 pm

    I’m so busy during the day at work it’s lovely to get a text message. My face lights up because I haven’t given him any thought or expectation that he will text.

  92.  #92Memulo on March 21, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    Ok, 39 match emails since morning. Why not 44 lol 😉 And the guy that I wanted to hear from, did write back! He is out of town for the next week, but suggesting to meet as I understand somewhere in his neighborhood. I want to say – would feel lovely to meet you, but I live in such and such neighborhood, do you think we could set up the date closer to me?

  93.  #93Memulo on March 21, 2013 at 3:43 pm

    Smile, enjoy. I used to get a text from my cd every day at work when I did not expect it, and it made me feel – oh I’d feel so happy if I loved him.

  94.  #94Senior Lady Vibe on March 21, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    @2: IamHis says:
    “…I just have a firm belief that a relationship shouldn’t start out based on sexual attraction and sex…”

    I’ll leave the “should” alone but IMHO and experience, romantic relationships start out based on attraction and that’s driven by sexual attraction.

    That being said, it’s not necessary to act immediately, or at all, on every sexual attraction.
    But it is the powerful force and fuel to drive a relationship and it’s up to a couple how that relationship develops.


  95.  #95Senior Lady Vibe on March 21, 2013 at 4:50 pm

    “I think Rori calls this “asking the innocent question” and it’s a big NO NO!”

    Yes, a big No No. And among other forms of coy aggression are the innocent dreaming, the innocent wondering and the innocent “seeing” or “noticing.” They are all forms of “you-you-ing.” 😯


  96.  #96Senior Lady Vibe on March 21, 2013 at 4:52 pm

    oops no
    I hope Rori input brackets to end at post… or SLV is baccckkkk… LOL



  97.  #97Senior Lady Vibe on March 21, 2013 at 4:55 pm


    OK, then.

  98.  #98nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 5:45 pm

    So he texts me back now and says …

    “We will. I actually wanted to go to Quizzo tonight.”

    And now is texting me like all is normal when I just wanna scream “We will? When??? It’s been 2 effing weeks!” But of course I’m not and just talking like nothing is wrong….but I feel like I’m not being real.

  99.  #99ALA on March 21, 2013 at 7:27 pm

    Hi nme – I admit I’m not fully up on your story. Have you used feeling message such as ” I feel best knowing our plans ahead of time so I can plan my schedule to fit you in”

    I know it’s sometimes hard to remember to do when feeling overcome with emotions swirling inside…. and over texts isn’t the best way to do that. errg, I feel your frustration!

  100.  #100Luzydel on March 21, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    I have being seeing captainCD for three weeks now; he is great and I don’t feel the rush to chase him; because it feels he is there even if he is away. Other cd’s have “disappeared” so I keep being me and open the good vibe of captaincd and let it flow.

    I have no tolerance for disrespect now, so the few other cd’s that stood me up are far gone, no second chances. And some of them reappear with a text then hide again; I don’t like that so I leave it alone no need to play their hide and seek game anymore…

  101.  #101ALA on March 21, 2013 at 7:52 pm

    ooh… “hide and seek” feels triggering to me. (I’m glad you seem to be doing so well, Luzydel! This is all me,btw. Thank you for this trigger!!!)

    I’m hearing my NV’s telling me that “I” was playing hide and seek with cheesyCD. In a way I was, because I wasn’t all that attracted to him. And I was dealing with the pl*mbing, my car, etc at the time I wasn’t feeling up to CDing anyone. And now that I have more time he wont give me another chance. I really wasn’t that into him. Think I am wanting someone to fill a void. So I am back on POF, talking to men who on the surface dont seem exactly what I want. I am being more open and up front saying I feel a little nervous dating and meeting men. Whew, this is a learning process.

  102.  #102Memulo on March 21, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    This going thru match emails takes so much time.. I feel overwhelmed.

  103.  #103Memulo on March 21, 2013 at 7:59 pm

    Wonderful Luzydel!

  104.  #104Memulo on March 21, 2013 at 8:03 pm

    It still feels unbelievable how much smartcd felt close to me. Everything he said, though very strange at times, felt just ‘right’. These match guys that i am exchanging emails with are smart and funny, but this ‘right’ component is just missing. I can’t explain it. Am I crazy for letting it drop so easily? Even if it wasn’t me;)

    Maybe it is true that if you love someone, you let them go.

  105.  #105Femininewoman on March 21, 2013 at 8:16 pm

    nme I remember Mel telling her guy “going out would feel so fun to me. I’m available Monday etc.”………..

    “Okay I’ll use pencil for our tentative date. I’m a busy girl after all”.

  106.  #106ALA on March 21, 2013 at 8:20 pm

    I believe when you love somebody they stay in your heart forever. And when you look back at why you love them you remember all the good stuff and good memories. But that doesn’t mean you cant let them go and find someone else. As painful as that thought is, if you really love them you want them to be happy too, right?

    OMG! I just heard from cheesyCD. Isn’t that some kind of synchronicity… weird!

  107.  #107ALA on March 21, 2013 at 8:31 pm

    I’m kinda a hopeless romantic when it comes to unrequited love.

    D has finally gotten together with that other woman for good it seems. It hurts a lot. It’s difficult. I’m feeling a bit of relief also.

  108.  #108nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 8:41 pm


    I have used a few feeling messages but yeah its very new to me right now. I guess I need to give it more time. And we communicate A LOT through texts. I guess it all stems from the start when we literally talked all day every day so it was obviously text since he was at work. We have moved to phone calls a little now and I’d like to get more into that. But breaking habits is hard I guess. He text me at 8pm tonight and we seriously talked till 10:30 tonight but all texts.

    “he is great and I don’t feel the rush to chase him; because it feels he is there even if he is away”

    THIS is exactly what I want to feel with M. Its such a sense of security.

  109.  #109nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 8:47 pm


    I’m sorry…elaborate? She would tell her bf that it would feel good to go out but when he would ask her she would say she is just going to pencil him in?

  110.  #110nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    @Memulo #101:
    I remember when I was on POF feeling overwhelmed with all the messages I got. The first night I signed up I literally got over 100 messages. I was on and off POF for a little over a year. I had TONS of dates, some pretty funny horror stories and one 4 month decent “relationship”. Good luck! 😉

  111.  #111nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 9:00 pm

    Just some thinking out loud….how can M just text me about so much nothingness….am I missing something? Maybe I’m making everything bigger then it really is and nothing is really “wrong”. Maybe he is so secure in our relationship he doesn’t feel the need for constant contact and to see me as much as I want. I don’t know but it definetly makes me feel nutty when I feel this way inside and he’s so “normal” acting….

  112.  #112ALA on March 21, 2013 at 9:03 pm

    Okay… am crying again now. A friend just wrote something touching, letting me know he cares and knows how hard this is for me. He’s friends with both of us. He didn’t have to do that. My heart feels warmed by his words.

  113.  #113nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 9:23 pm

    @ALA….don’t mean to pry but are you going through a divorce or something? “friends with both of us” I’ve just gone through this that’s why I ask.

  114.  #114nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 9:27 pm

    Listen to me say “just went through this” he walked out 2 years ago come May and it still feels like yesterday.

  115.  #115ALA on March 21, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    No we weren’t married. Hard to explain. Thanks for this opportunity for me to try though. I always felt like I would be judged by the Sirens here for getting myself into this mess. I am learning that it’s not true. I wont be judged here.

    ((( my silly fears )))

    On the basic level it was an imaginary relationship, with real feelings at one time. As time passed it was getting harder to hold on to the hope that it would develop into something real.

    whew, this is starting to feel a little raw and more than I am usually comfortable sharing. hope it gives you a little/better idea though.

  116.  #116Wise on March 21, 2013 at 9:45 pm

    It seems very obvious to me but everyone is different. This is not the time to step out of your comfort zone. You should have met him at the restaurant and you bring a big guy to sit at the bar to watch you. Make sure the guy doesn’t follow you home. And you set yourself up for disappointment. At the beginning, try not assume you are going to continue going out. Either of you may not really like the other. So don’t have expectations. And then forget him. He has no manners and no social etiquette. You trade up. Go for brains and success. You won’t regret it. Have someone who inspires YOU!

  117.  #117ALA on March 21, 2013 at 9:54 pm

    I feel like an idiot for apologizing to him, believing he was with me and the whole time he’s planning stuff with another girl. That feels pathetic to me! I’m feeling such anger towards him.

  118.  #118ALA on March 21, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    just working thru some stuff. need to get this out. feels like I’m releasing toxic poison from my body.

  119.  #119nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 9:59 pm


    I’m sorry for what your going through. No matter that you say it was imaginary if your feelings were real I know it has to hurt. I would feel all the anger your feeling as well by reading what you wrote in your last post. I’m new here so I dont really know what you “should” do but I think it is ok to feel that anger.

  120.  #120nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    Keep letting it out. I can’t sleep, lol. Don’t know where you are but its after midnight here and I’m wide awake…

  121.  #121Rori Raye on March 21, 2013 at 10:02 pm

    Wise, welcome, and are you a coach? If not, what brought you here, and would you like to share some of what you’re about? Love, Rori

  122.  #122ALA on March 21, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    I want to kick and punch him!… with all the pent up frustrations built up over the years. And at the same time I want to feel his loving hands on my body telling me how much he loves me and everything is going to be okay. I wish he could say the nice things to me that our friend said.

  123.  #123ALA on March 21, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    lol, Hi Rori! Thanks for everything!

  124.  #124ALA on March 21, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    I’m feeling tired now, like I had a good workout.

    I need to get some sleep. G’night, nme! Hope you can get some sleep too.

  125.  #125nme008 on March 21, 2013 at 10:20 pm

    Night…sorry I wasnt more help.

  126.  #126Emerson on March 21, 2013 at 10:48 pm

    Hmm I’m kinda bummed… ExoticCD is my man candy and I want some.
    He never called to tonight… He actually finally asked me to make plans…i said yes and he said he would call tonite…. Without my prompting whatsoever…and now
    No call.
    I hate this because now I really have to face this. He will contact me again and when he does I have to say something. I’m dreading it. Why are people so flaky. Not point asking why.

  127.  #127Emerson on March 21, 2013 at 10:50 pm

    I did talk to another guy from the dating site tonite in the phone … Very sweet… We shall see… The last one was too and he flaked. Lots of flakes. What is the message ?

  128.  #128Emerson on March 21, 2013 at 10:55 pm

    Wow I’m a lil bit bummed … I feel rejected… I am just being authentic … Sounds silly that I’m bummed but I am…

    I guess I want a chance to do damage control with exoticCD and express myself…

  129.  #129Tereana on March 21, 2013 at 11:24 pm

    Hi Emerson –

    Ugh. I totally feel your “bummedyness.” I just made that up 🙂

    Today, I had a date with my DancingCD. We tried to meet on Tuesday, it didn’t work. So we moved it to Thursday. Then an hour before the date, he called to say he was stuck at work. I was kind of annoyed, and I really didn’t see it coming. [secretly, I was a little relieved, because I’d been having a weird day. But I’d also been looking forward to the date as a kind of counterpoint. And it didn’t work out that way.]

    So I just told him, “I feel really bummed that we’re not going out tonight. I feel sad. I was really looking forward to it.” Then he said it sucks, and I said, “Yeah, it really does suck!”

    He’s told me that we’re going to meet on Saturday. And I’m trying not to think anything about it at all. But if I do think, then I start to feel the not-trustiness. I start to feel like he is all words and no actions. Do I have anything to base this on? Well, not really. Is it that big a deal? Not really. Again, it’s not like I really thought he was my soul-mate or something.

    I’m trying hard not to reject him, while at the same time, wondering if I am hanging on with something where I know there isn’t really a “there” there. I was just looking to enjoy myself and have some fun, like a little diversion. Practice the tools.

    BUT – when he called to cancel, I didn’t change my plans. My plan had been to go get dinner at my favorite place, and then meet him at the theater. Well, I did the exact same thing – but without him : ) I got the food I wanted. I saw the movie I wanted. I paid for it myself, but hey. Girl’s gotta take care of herself. ; )

    And it wasn’t a great date movie, either. So I’m kind of glad it didn’t work out.

    I’ve got exciting things planned for tomorrow.


  130.  #130Emerson on March 21, 2013 at 11:38 pm

    Aw tereana good for you !!!
    It feels warm in my heart to read your words to me 🙂

    I am feeling tired of looking online for a cd on the site I’ve been on…

    Maybe I should try one of the sites you did (Indian) 😉

  131.  #131Daria on March 22, 2013 at 3:54 am

    Wow I feel surprised and disturbed… 🙁

    For me that when I have sex doesn’t matter to the relationship feels like my heart crying tears of joy if freedom from such a longstabding fear of being unloved and oppression and not being safe to be sexual , to be innocent and loving with sex

    I feel like I have the magic secret knowing that, when it seems that so many don’t knoe and I didn’t knoe




    So glad I have my sexuality

    So sad to make myself think I’m misunderstood and not good right now

    So awesome to notice that

    I Dobt Wang type anymore

  132.  #132Daria on March 22, 2013 at 3:56 am

    I like all U sisters very much. Being here feels comforting

  133.  #133Daria on March 22, 2013 at 3:58 am

    I just went thru a trauma tonite… I was handcuffed and verbally attacked. I feel tension in me and I feel looks it’s been building… T-tapp would help.

    I don’t want to.

    I feel internal conflict.

    I love my conflict.

  134.  #134Daria on March 22, 2013 at 3:59 am

    I’m so powerful and safe and healing soothing lovey and peaceful

  135.  #135Daria on March 22, 2013 at 4:00 am

    I wish I could get support from loved ones with this trauma.

    It feels… Confusing and I feel unsure of my personal power.

    I feel sad

    I want mothering.

    Thanks Daria

  136.  #136Linda on March 22, 2013 at 4:24 am

    Poor Daria, what on earth happened? Please be careful;

    I feel horrible for you.

  137.  #137Vi on March 22, 2013 at 4:39 am

    Wow it is not about how he acts, it’s about how I feel 🙂 yay!! It’s not about him lecturing me, it’s about me stopping to perceive him as a man at these moments. No need to beat him up in my mind for acting like my mother. No need to beat myself up for having no control over it. No need to feel angry. Just sit there and feel amused to notice that I feel not attracted… and see how my mood and vibe change.. hehe.. It’s all about how I feel… and I feel freer

  138.  #138IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 6:12 am

    @133 ((((((((((((Daria)))))))))))))

  139.  #139IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 6:17 am

    @111 nme008 – so much of what you write just makes me want to jump through the monitor and give you the biggest real-life hug I possibly can. I’d love to have coffee with you, comfort you, swap stories with you, etc. I just feel so connected to you and so moved by your story and what you’re going through.

    “Maybe I’m making everything bigger then it really is and nothing is really “wrong”. Maybe he is so secure in our relationship he doesn’t feel the need for constant contact and to see me as much as I want.”

    Yes, yes, and YES!

    This guy is CRAZY about you. I feel so sad that you’re having difficulty seeing this. 🙁

    I would really encourage you to have good long talks with him about this. Tell him why you’re so scared, tell him you want to feel safe, tell him you also want him to have his full, sexy life and that you love that he has that full sexy life. But that you’re really, really, really, really scared of losing him.

    Let him see you shake and cry and feel scared/angry.

    Let him hold you and reassure you.

    I can hear your rational side at war with the scared, abandoned little girl you have inside of you, and it just breaks my heart.


  140.  #140nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 7:02 am


    I love your feedback! I woke up and immediately had a negative feeling….and I asked myself why? No I didn’t see M last night but he obviously wasn’t out doing anything else. He was home resting after a crazy busy day training new people at work and sharing everything about it with me. And it’s not like we talk all serious all the time, most of our conversation is silly talk. I love that. I’m so new to this dating thing it’s scary sometimes. Some asked why I’m putting so much into this? Well cause nobody is perfect and I feel like the good I have with M out weights all my self doubt. It is not his job to make me feel secure, that is something I have to work on with in myself.

    He has seen me cry and he is amazing with it, he will grab my hand and comfort me and tell me to take a breath and wait till I have control to finish talking. He is such a sensitive guy, I’ve seen him cry before too. Honestly I feel like he’s read RR’s book lol. He will tell me “I feel embarrassed” lol.”

    I was just thinking how I’m loving the support here and wish it was a real life support group where I could meet up get coffee and chat. Something like that would be awesome. lol.

  141.  #141nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 7:13 am

    This is the type of man M is that makes me want to keep him…the first time he took me out was to a great sushi place in Philly cause he knew I love sushi….HE DOESN’T EVEN LIKE FISH!!! Or after we go out and he pays he will open the door for me and as we walk grab my hand, lean over and kiss me and say “thank you” and when I say “for what? you paid so thank you!” and he’ll say “no thank your spending your time with me”. Or something silly he’s said a few times to me “something amazing happened to me today. Know what?” and when I say what he says “you”…..melt!!!

  142.  #142IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 7:17 am

    @140 nme008 – awww, I feel so warm and happy reading that and I love that you love my feedback!!!

    You know, it’s funny…

    I feel like our situations are completely different in a way: you’ve been married and I’ve never been in a real, serious relationship.

    However, when I read this sentence:

    “I’m so new to this dating thing it’s scary sometimes.”

    I totally know what you mean!

    One of the first dates I went on after I got my heartbroken, yes, by a guy I wasn’t even in a real relationship with (it’s such a long story that I hate to talk about it.) I balled my eyes out in front of the guy and didn’t want to be on the date with him at all!! It was so embarrassing. You want to be your flirty, best, fun self when you date but I was anything BUT!

    The backstory with the imaginary relationship that “nearly killed me” is that, I fell slowly and deeply in love with one of my best friends and when he FINALLY started pursuing me like was the situation of my dreams, I felt SO UNBELIEVABLY terrified, I pretty much ran away from him in every way: physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.

    I feel like I broke both of our hearts, but I obviously didn’t break his as bad as he broke mine, because he gave up on me and married someone else. 🙁 🙁 🙁

    It was sooooooo hard on me. I don’t fall in love easily AT ALL. Plenty of guys have been interested in me, and I’ve always just felt kind of apathedic towards them all. But THIS GUY totally turned my world upside down.

    I’ve never felt so attracted to the entire being of a person or felt so connected on every single level with a person.


    But I thank God nearly every day for what happened.

    I am much more humble, much more open, much more compassionate, and much more strong than I ever was before him.

  143.  #143BeLoved on March 22, 2013 at 7:24 am

    Yesterday I was feeling pressured and angry with FiestaCD, not a good thing with someone I’ve only been in person with for 10 minutes in a grocery store.
    The conversation last week I used FM’s to express I felt uncomfortable with sending him a photo and getting so many texts from him when I had only just met him.
    Since then, good morning and good night texts, NO move to make a date.
    2 phone calls (during work hours, when I’ve told him I work in a high security area and don’t check my phone at work – I don’t even take calls from my mother for more than a few minutes at work) and texts yesterday, he feels worried about me because he hasn’t heard from me in “so long” – since I responded to his text the day before.
    I don’t even know this man!
    I feel ick.
    I feel pi$$ed.
    I feel like ignoring his messages.
    I feel like not telling him how I feel, that I’ve already told him once and now I will only respond if it feels good.

    I feel interested and curious about myself, and a little bit happy also. I was talking to C, who was saying how he had been refraining from touching me so much, and I was being flirty.
    Then I *saw* it, could see the opposing sides of myself, the me that on the one hand, knows I need affection and attention and wants to play and be flirty, and the me that wants to protect my heart, hold out for something real, and knows how my mind will latch on to any sign of hope.

    I “forget” because I have been internally divided.
    I feel love, gratitude, and appreciation for those aspects of myself.

    OMCD hasn’t called since I said it would feel best to firm up by phone.

    He texted to say he noticed we hadn’t talked, and I said, me, too, wanna call me tonite? (Tuesday), he said sure and then…crickets.

    Could I be doing something un/subconsciously to push him away? I have felt a little bit of a power struggle, like…he wasn’t comfortable on my cushion, I mentioned that the ones I was looking at were expensive and he suggested Target.
    But then I thought, well, HE is the one who is seeking OM partners, yes, I benefit from it and I like it, but it doesn’t feel right to me to go out and buy something to make him more comfortable when he was the one seeking and making the initial offer.
    I didn’t say any of that to him, because he hasn’t called and I tend to reserve communications for phone calls rather than text.

    I feel like…maybe I want it too much – but maybe he is just busy and it has nothing to do with me.

    Leaning back and waterwheeling…!

  144.  #144IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 7:25 am

    On a more light-hearted, curious note, I have a blind date in my near future!

    I feel incredibly nervous about it.


    I don’t even think he knows much about my personality!

    The reason he wanted to ask me out is because he loves and respects a close family member of mine, and really wants to “get out there and date” at this point in his life.

    I feel so scared that he won’t be attracted to me (too volumptious, scoliosis, whatever)

    won’t like my personality (too outgoing, goofy, whatever)

    Or…not what he was expecting. (The family member he knows and loves is a male, and a pretty serious guy. I’M NOT THAT SERIOUS AT ALL!)

    It feels good that this guy is open enough to meet someone he’s never “seen” or “known of.”

    So, that in and of itself makes me respect the mystery man.

    also, he has an extremely attractive 20-year old nephew. If he looks anything like him, I’m excited!

    but then I feel scared he won’t be attracted to me…:(

    I feel good that I feel like I’m at a really good place in my life.

    I think this will be a wonderful learning experience, but I still feel really scared and nervous… 🙁

  145.  #145IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 7:28 am

    wow, I feel so insecure right now all of the sudden.

    I feel like the women on here are going to read “volumptious” and “scolliosis” and imagine an unattractive dorky girl that has no hope and that is delusional or something…

    That feels soooo bad.

    I feel teary and scared…


  146.  #146nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Oh no IamHis don’t stress!!! If nothing else the blind date will be fun and and experience, because you can make it that no matter what! Go enjoy yourself.

    And don’t worry about what people will think when you describe yourself. I’m sure your beautiful inside and out. I would say I’m curvy but I’m sure others wouldn’t, it’s all how your view yourself.

  147.  #147nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 7:57 am

    You want to hear insecurity at it’s worst? I’m literally scared to death of summer coming…know why? Cause I don’t want M to see me in a bathing suit. How stupid is that!!! We’ve been together for almost 5 months, he’s seen me in nothing so why am I freaking about a bathing suit? Well because I feel like when guys are turned on and in the moment they are kind of thinking of what they are feeling (physically) rather then the size of my thighs or my stomach. But in the summer at the beach when I’m wearing a bathing suit he will just be normal not in the middle of sex so he will have his wits about him….he will notice my stomach and how there are stretch marks. 🙁 I think to myself why would he pick a woman that has a body that has gone through birthing 3 kids and is all stretched out when he has never had kids himself. Why not get a nice in great shape body woman lol. I really think these things! Believe me I feel great about the way I look….clothed! haha, summer brings all kinds of insecurities for me though. I can lose all the weight I want but it will never unstretch my stomach 🙁

  148.  #148Emerson on March 22, 2013 at 8:02 am

    NME it’s not stupid about the bathing suit… Sometimes a spray tan helps alot!!

    Daria and sirens how to handle exoticCD not calling me when he said he would?!?

  149.  #149IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 8:03 am

    awww, Nicole!!!

    I totally understand.

    But I think stretch marks are beautiful.

    I’ve never had kids, but I have them.

    I’ve been up and down in weight my whole life and struggled with an eating disorder when I was a teenager. I feel so embarrassed about it, and didn’t even know it was “a real eating disorder” until I was much older.

    No one “knew” about it, because it was the type of eating disorder that can actually make you gain weight. (Binging and purging.)

    Though I’ve never had kids, the stretch marks all over my love handles, rear end, and inner thighs remind me that I SURVIVED, that I have EMOTIONAL battle scars, that I’m beautiful JUST THE WAY I AM, and that whoever loves ALL OF ME, will love them too, in a way…

    phew, I feel teary…

  150.  #150IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 8:06 am

    I still try really hard not to get too concerned with weight. I try to eat healthy, and ENOUGH to make me feel GOOD. Satisfied, not stuffed. Nutured, not deprived.

  151.  #151Memulo on March 22, 2013 at 8:06 am

    Emerson, sorry to ask you this, but do you think exoticcd will eventually change for you?

  152.  #152Memulo on March 22, 2013 at 8:11 am

    Emerson in my opinion the only way he will change if you tell him very firmly next time that you’re not interested and are looking for a guy who can make firm plans. And then hang up.

  153.  #153Heart on March 22, 2013 at 8:12 am

    Hi Blog – Had a really rough night earlier…just felt sad & hopeless & piney and empty and hurt and lonely…and I sank & felt …and it was so painful and horrible.
    The good news : I feel centered and relaxed right now but I’m really wondering…Will I ever be ok?
    Will I always have to deal with this ugly stuff?

  154.  #154nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 8:22 am


    Have you done spray tan before? In the summer I don’t need to do any fake tan since I tan so easily, half Puerto Rican and half Italian. But I’d like to get something now or to start off the summer once it gets here. I don’t want to look orange though lol.

  155.  #155nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 8:27 am


    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure that was hard. I try really hard to not be crazy with my weight but I am. I’ve lost so much since my last baby was born and even more when my ex husband left. But I still see myself at my largest, it’s hard to change the way I see myself. It was always an issue for me, even when I was married it was hard for me to accept that my husband thought I was sexy because I hated my body and he knew what it looked like. It was easier to think other men thought I was because I did look good dressed.

  156.  #156Mercedes on March 22, 2013 at 8:36 am

    nme: “he will notice my stomach and how there are stretch marks. ” – Those aren’t stretch marks my dear, those are your stripes and you EARNED them! 😉

    Much Love,

  157.  #157Mercedes on March 22, 2013 at 8:37 am

    SLV! I just love, love, LOVE seeing you post!

    Much Love,

  158.  #158Mercedes on March 22, 2013 at 8:40 am

    Heart: In my opinion we all have to deal with the ugly stuff sometimes. It makes us appreciate the good stuff though and helps ensure we’re not taking it for granted. I love that you are feeling centered right now…it’s my favorite feeling in the world. Centered. I want to be there all the time but know that probably isn’t possible.

    I do know that for me, the further I go in my journey the longer the space is between the “ugly episodes”…that feels good too…

    Much Love and wishes for a happy day for you,

  159.  #159nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 8:42 am

    Thank you Mercedes!!!! <3 🙂 I do know this…I just wish I earned them all BELOW my belly button lol, my youngest just had to throw a few right above though hahaha.

  160.  #160Memulo on March 22, 2013 at 8:43 am

    Heart, did anything new happen or you’re upset about some old stuff? Please don’t be like me and relive history;)

  161.  #161IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 9:15 am

    Thanks, nme008. I feel really shy and awkward now, having shared that. I feel like I’m going to be judged. I feel kind of scared and teary and exposed…:(

  162.  #162sha-sha on March 22, 2013 at 9:21 am

    Hello sirens 🙂 hope everyone had a great week! I’m so happy the weekend is finally here.. I just got done working and I plan on taking a hot bath. I got the house to myself for couple hours I’m gonna take advantage of it 🙂 enjoy xoxox

  163.  #163IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 9:21 am

    I’m really self-conscious about my rear-end. There’s not much there, unless I wear just the right pair of pants. 🙁

    I do love my well-endowed chest, though.

    I’ve heard guys are either big fans of the chest or the rear end…

    This doesn’t feel good to talk about…:(

    I like big, beefy guys with big arms and broad shoulders.

    but I also like really trim guys with long legs and slender waists.

    It really is more about who the man is on the inside, but I’ve always heard guys are more “visual” than women, and I’ve always felt so self-conscious about my body and how attractive/not attractive it may appear to men.

    I loved this one guy who loved me when I was sixteen. He made me feel like my body was absolutely perfect. I want that again. A man who will make me feel like my body is absolutely perfect…

    I deserve that.

    Whooo, feeling sooo teary again!!!

  164.  #164IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 9:27 am

    wow, I feel like i just kind of need to sit here and ball my eyes out, but I still need to answer business calls, so I probably shouldn’t quite “let loose…”

    feeling really sad and trembly…

  165.  #165sha-sha on March 22, 2013 at 9:29 am

    Iamhis 🙂
    I have a small butt too and my hubby loves it he says its perfect handful fits so nice in his hands.lol I know how u feel but I say imbrace wht u have and love ur body nobody has perfect body.

  166.  #166Daria on March 22, 2013 at 9:32 am

    I woke up shaking and still upset and so mad

    I feel tired of these abuses on my person. Sitting handcuffed for an hour outside having done nothing. Because someone said a guy was yelling in their back yard.

    I feel shaky and angry and sad that I don’t feel more loved and powerful. I feel scared.

    My friend was teaching me law to avoid this.

    I want to know it by heart like him.

    I feel so glad to at least knoe that.

    This feeling like I’m under threat and violated I don’t want to put muself in positions to feel it anymore. I want more power than this.

    I already know one way that worked for my friend.

  167.  #167IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 9:35 am

    @165 sha – sha – awww, thanks sha-sha. I haven’t had a lot of guys grab my rear-end (kind of thankful for that, it would probably freak me out or offend me or something)

    I honestly don’t feel like i even have a rear end that would fit into any mans hands!

    woo, I feel blushy!

    I have really curvy hips, and more of a “pancake butt.” I guess it’s got a little bit of curve at the bottom, but it’s definitely not what I would consider an attractive behind.

    Need to learn to accept it, and who knows?

    maybe I can perk it up a bit with some good workouts or something…

    Feeling sooooo self-conscious right now…ug…

  168.  #168IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 9:38 am

    “Mr. 16-year-old” thought it was perfect, especially when I wore this one white pair of pants.

    I feel naughty, but I’m still kind of thankful that he would make comments.

    They didn’t make me feel offended.

    They used to just make me roll my eyes and feel…I don’t know…good.

    Just good.

  169.  #169IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 9:41 am

    My mom used to make such a big deal about how “awful” I looked (my weight, the way I dressed) that for the longest time, when men would hit on me, (and they would) I always thought they were joking or making fun of me or something…

    It honestly took me years before I realized that they seriously found me attractive, and before I started recognize being noticed in an obviously sexually pleasing way.

    I feel so sorry for my past self, and how she didn’t realize how beautiful she was…

    She’s still beautiful!!!


    Really needed to hug myself…

    phew, STILL feeling so teary!!!

  170.  #170Indigo on March 22, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Hi girls

    Lots of love to all of you!

    Today I got the most beautiful feeling of how D cares about me, yet it was an extremely painful situation.

    His love came through so soft and true yet it is a very difficult situation I’m dealing with at the moment. I’m not ready to share it yet, but I would ask for your loving thoughts please.

    I’m feeling very sore and fragile and I don’t know how I’m going to climb this mountain. This could well be the greatest obstacle of my life and I don’t know how I’m going to overcome it. I would love to talk about it but I feel too afraid of being that vulnerable.

    I would love your loving thoughts.

  171.  #171IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 9:46 am

    all of my abandoment issues…never feeling as attractive as my “stereo-typically hot” sister…suspecting that men loved and respected me but just “weren’t attracted to me”

    Feeling angry…
    still not sure of the truth…
    Feeling soooooooooo sad and confused…


    I always loved that G0d was more concerned about my insides than my outsides…

    I know that He just wants be to be healthy and happy in every possible way…

    Soooo teary. soooooooooo teary…

  172.  #172IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 9:47 am

    what were the men staring at?
    the inside radiating out?


    soooooooooo triggered…

  173.  #173Indigo on March 22, 2013 at 9:47 am


    You and I can be sad and hurt and lonely together.

    Love to you

  174.  #174Mercedes on March 22, 2013 at 9:48 am

    Indigo: You have my love and peaceful vibes headed in your direction…

    Wishing you strength and courage.

    Much Love,

  175.  #175IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 9:49 am

    trembly. really really trembly. tense in my neck and shoulders. feeling REALLY exposed…

  176.  #176IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 9:50 am

    feeling ignored. feeling shameful. still wondering what “the truth” about my body is…

    Feeling scared…

  177.  #177IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 9:52 am

    “…a lot of men just prefer slender women…”

    angry sad confused who are a lot of men?

  178.  #178sha-sha on March 22, 2013 at 9:53 am

    Ur beautiful in ur own way! Were all beautiful in our own way!

  179.  #179IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 9:55 am

    I would much prefer that I was the one not attracted on this blind date.

    It would feel so good to not be attracted at first, and then for him to “win me over” and suddenly I find myself wildy attracted to the whole person of who he is, inside and out.

    I was never wildly attracted to Jack CD at first, and now I think he’s one of the most complicated, beautiful men I’ve ever encountered. I could seriously stare at him forever…

    can this happen for men as well?

    ug, I feel awful…

  180.  #180Indigo on March 22, 2013 at 9:56 am

    Thank you, Mercedes.

    I so appreciate that 🙂

  181.  #181sha-sha on March 22, 2013 at 9:56 am

    Did u ever think its the whole package u offer………..ur looks ur personality ur kind heart ur brains? Some women only have there looks and they lack in all other areas…………

  182.  #182IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 9:57 am

    thanks, sha-sha.

    uggg, I feel so angry and scared and sad and questioning and confused!!!!!

    my negative voice is screaming at me: NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH!!!!!

  183.  #183nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 9:57 am

    (((((Indigo))))) My love and support are going your way.

  184.  #184Mercedes on March 22, 2013 at 9:59 am

    IamHis: Bring that NV over here so I can slap it for you!

    Much Love,

  185.  #185IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 9:59 am

    @181 sha-sha – yes, thank you. it feels soooo helpful to think of it this way.

    phew. I feel exhausted and like I still have so many emotions that I don’t even understand or know how to identify and to get out of me, love, accept, and move past…to get to a good feeling place again…

    thankful for this huge trigger of a blind date…
    learning experience.

    It’s gonna be okay…

  186.  #186nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 10:01 am

    (((((IamHis))))) Don’t be so hard on yourself! You are a wonderful woman and you will find a man to love every single thing about you. Go into this date with no expectations, just to have a nice dinner and meet a new friend. Have fun! Get dolled up! That’s my favorite thing about going out. I love wearing heels and doing my make up and hair….I love doing it just for me too.

  187.  #187IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 10:02 am

    worse case scenario he’s a total jerk who tells someone else that I’m “not fit enough” for him, too loud for him, too boistrous, too shy, too nervous, too too too whatever! TOO MUCH!!!!

    passionate, argumentative, playful, impulsive, wild, unpredictable!!!!


  188.  #188nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 10:03 am


    When is the date?

  189.  #189tryingtodogood on March 22, 2013 at 10:07 am

    This post really hit home! I am a married woman who recently was contacted online by my first love from 30+ years ago. We started chatting online and it was nice to reminisce about old camping trips and other outings we went on as kids (our moms were friends). During our adolescence our friendship turned physical (he was my first) and I fell in love with him. We saw eachother on and off for four years, he never would be exclusive though.
    Anyway, it wasn’t long after we got reacquainted that he started talking about memories of our past passions, and saying he wanted to re-live them. He knew I was married all along, and I just enjoyed our intellectual conversations. We always had that in common. He became really persistent about it too. I feel that this was extremely inappropriate of him, as well as cruel. After while he started saying married women need something on the side to make them happy. Am I off base or is this guy bad news??? He has ruined my wonderful memories too 🙁

  190.  #190nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 10:09 am

    I am always self conscious of my chest, not that big to start and I nursed 3 kids! I have a bigger butt and curvy hips….you know what? I dated one guy that was sooo into big boobs and I felt horrible all the time. He wasn’t for me. M? He says the perfect girl for him is a big butt, cute boobs and a great smile. I found a guy for me! For now at least lol. He ALWAYS makes me feel beautiful.

  191.  #191IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 10:10 am

    My dad is one of those men that prefers slender women. I always knew he thought my sister is gorgeous. (she is)

    I always felt like he loved her more than me. She looks like my mom, and I look like my dad.

    Poor thing, my Dad would always joke.

    He didn’t mean anything by it, but it would HURT really, really, bad.

    and then my mom’s verbal abuse.

    screaming at me that I looked awful because of the way I dressed, or because I had put on a little weight and “men don’t like it when you put on weight” and “your dad likes it that I stay slim.” and “it’s mostly for sexual reasons.”

    and she always sounded so arrogant and like she was trying to “put me in my place” and I always wanted to scream at her and break her neck when she talked to me like that.

    and I always felt so VICTORIOUS when I could feel her jealousy of me…

    sometimes she would watch me with pure awe and jealousy at the rare times in my life when I was feeling confident and happy…

    She was one of the most insecure women I have ever met…

    I have forgiven her, but my little girl inside still hurts from it all sometimes.

    Our relationship is so much better. She’s grown as a person, and is more secure in herself, and has apologize for so much from when we were growing up….

    it’s just still there…deep inside…

    It would feel soooo good to be held right now…

  192.  #192Indigo on March 22, 2013 at 10:12 am

    Thank you nme, so much.

    I also wish this was a real live support group where we could all meet for coffee and get together as friends. That would be so lovely.

  193.  #193nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 10:13 am

    OH and IamHis, I’m doing a 30 day squat challenge now. Day one 50 squats and each day you add 5 more, I’m up to doing 70 today. You rest on the 7th day each week. My friend did it and saw great results. I always like to push myself with work outs. I just bought a 24 class groupon for boot camp classes. Start tonight, soooo excited.

  194.  #194ALA on March 22, 2013 at 10:16 am

    I feel this vast emptiness today where I was holding on to all that poison.

    I feel trembley like a new-born baby colt. It feels scary and exciting to begin this journey… filling up! Babysteps

  195.  #195nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 10:16 am


    Wouldn’t it?! I really feel like I would benefit from something like that.

  196.  #196ALA on March 22, 2013 at 10:19 am

    ((( Indigo ))) good thoughts your way!

    mmm, a real-life get together would be fun!

  197.  #197IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 10:19 am

    I meet him on Sunday, nme008.

    I feel sooooo paranoid that someone I know in real life is going to find the blog, figure out who I am, and judge the crap out of me.

    @189 nme008 – this is sooooo encouraging to read, thank you.

    you know, it’s true. some men like some body types, and some men like other body types.

    the man who wasn’t right for you sounds like he might be perfect for me!!! I have DD’s and “chest” men absolutely love them!!!

    makes me feel super self-conscious sometimes, makes me suspect that some “less blessed chest” girls have hated me (especially when “chest” men they were interested in would obviously look my way…)

    one thing I like about being a “chest girl” is that at least I can usually always tell when I’m being checked out…

    but something tells me that more “behind girls” can feel the eyes back there too…

    feeling better…

    thanks for letting me spam, ladies.

    feeling kind of embarrassed still, but relieved, definitely…

  198.  #198Dominique on March 22, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Iamahis – It’s not about your looks. It’s never about your looks. Well – yes it is, yet what a man finds attractive and attracting is never what most of us think. A good man anyway, the kind of man you want.

    He will be attracted to a certain something something that is uniquely you, and this only grows with time no matter what happens to your weight or face or any of what we think of as awful things when we age. They don’t see it, or rather they don’t care. They only see the woman they love.


  199.  #199IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 10:22 am

    you go, nme008!!!


    I’m thinking about taking up kick-boxing classes again.

    one of my good friends is a certified instructor who used to be heavy but got in great shape.

    I love it because it combines all my favorite things; dance, releasing pent-up anger, and kicking butt!!!!!!

    I feel a lot better…

    If I ever have daughters, I will teach them to focus on how their body feels and all the amazing things it can do….

    fearfully and wonderfully made…

    and don’t you forget it….

  200.  #200Indigo on March 22, 2013 at 10:24 am

    Aww, thank you so much ALA 🙂

    Yes, to you and nme! I would absolutely love and benefit from real-life get-togethers!

  201.  #201IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 10:25 am

    @197 Dominique – Thank you so much.

    “He will be attracted to a certain something something that is uniquely you, and this only grows with time no matter what happens to your weight or face or any of what we think of as awful things when we age. They don’t see it, or rather they don’t care. They only see the woman they love.”

    I feel so moved by this and so curious about it…

    It feels especially soothing since you are an expert of sorts in sexuality…

  202.  #202nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 10:26 am

    I don’t disagree with Dominique at all BUT I do think its always good to take care of yourself and look your best. Not only when your single and looking for a man but when you have a man. You should want to always look your best for him. When I love someone I’m not going to stop loving him if he gains weight but I def think its hot when a man has nice strong arms and a gut is not attractive. It keeps the romance going when you take care of yourself for yourself and your man. I feel sexier when I like how my body looks. But yes, age will happen. lol.

  203.  #203Indigo on March 22, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Have any of you ever been in therapy before, because you couldn’t cope with something

    And did any of you experience any feelings of weakness and failure when you did so?

    Anyone who feels like sharing, I would be grateful to hear from you.

  204.  #204nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 10:34 am

    I went to therapy when I was just starting to really date after my ex left me…..I liked it BUT it wasn’t what I expected. I thought she would help me and guide me…she more or less just asked me how I felt about everything and let me talk. I feel like I get just as much therapy here as I did there. Maybe she just wasn’t great at her job though. I’ve been thinking about finding someone new. But def no feelings of weakness or anything.

  205.  #205Memulo on March 22, 2013 at 10:35 am

    Indigo, I hope you’re healthy and safe. Everything else is secondary. Plus you have his love!!

  206.  #206IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 10:35 am

    @201 nme008 – “I do think its always good to take care of yourself and look your best. Not only when your single and looking for a man but when you have a man. You should want to always look your best for him.”

    I totally agree!!!

    I just want someone who has “a range” that he is happy with…lol. You know, pregnancy and all that good stuff… 🙂

  207.  #207Memulo on March 22, 2013 at 10:38 am

    Same here nme. Tried therapy a couple of times, found them to be not smart enough, so was a waste of time and money. Gained nothing plus they put their own issues on me.

  208.  #208Daria on March 22, 2013 at 10:38 am

    I’m feeling so shaky and upset! I want safe help with this.

    I want to learn to take care of myself better in these situations.

  209.  #209IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 10:40 am

    I think it’s kind of cute when a man who used to be in shape gets a little out of shape?

    like, if he gets a little gut or his arms get a little softer?

    hmm, wonder why I feel this way…

    maybe it’s because I feel like I understand the tender emotions that often accompany weight gain?

    it’s also cute when he wants to get back in shape too…

    I love human-ness and slight imperfections in men…

    I feel suspicious of people who are “too perfect” in any way: physically, socially, spiritually, emotionally, whatever…

    feels like they are trying too hard, aren’t accepting of flaws, or are hiding something…

    Military CD has one of the most stereo-typically perfect bodies I’ve ever seen.

    He has always had a huge crush on me, and it shocked me because I am so physically imperfect!!!

    But Military CD has some huge insecurities, and he uses his perfect body to hide a lot of those…

    I still “love” him though…

    aw, I feel happy just thinking about him.

    Need to pray for his safety overseas…

  210.  #210Dominique on March 22, 2013 at 10:43 am

    nme008 – 201 – Of course you need to take care of yourself. This is part of loving yourself and taking the best care of you possible which includes daily loving rituals as well as FEELING your best every day whether you’re dressing up or not. No man can fill this void for you.


  211.  #211Daria on March 22, 2013 at 10:43 am

    Thanks Linda and I Am His.

  212.  #212IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 10:46 am

    Thinking about a picture on fb of us…

    someone snapped it when we weren’t paying attention…

    His body is TOTALLY leaning towards me, his attention is entirely focused on me in the photograph.

    I’m leaning back, almost shifting away from him. My eyes are looking away, but I have this HUGE smile on my face…

    I remember it was that time of the month, and I felt super bloated and awkward that day…

    it was taken a couple of years ago, but I still remember that feeling…

    of when a guy would be really into me…synching himself up with me, mirroring me, following me around everywhere….

    Whenever men do this it always feels really good in way, but extremely foreign too…

    Wrong somehow…

    I realize it’s because I felt undeserving of such attention, and ultimately of LOVE itself…

    would always feel so scared and disbelieving…

    …I feel like I’ve healed a lot since finding Rori…

    …getting used to that strange feeling of having them lean into me, touch me, look like they are amazed by me….

    I feel embarrassed…

    …and proud to have healed, if only just a little bit…

  213.  #213Veronica on March 22, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Ugh I don’t know what I feel today. But I’ve been sitting a lot with my uneasiness around having to be friends with BeautifulMan. In our e-mails I talk about our friendship he talks about our relationship – as in those are the words being used to talk about what we have now. I don’t think the anxiety is about the definition only – I think it’s more about wanting a definition before deciding on how much to show or put forward of myself (sounds like fear of another rejection). It’s as if I want the conditions first. This expectation just doesn’t feel right and I feel like I’m putting myself in a place of resentment. So I let that need for a definition sit with me for a few days, let the urgency of it fade a bit. I think what I’m bothered by and stuck with is how much of myself do I show and give. For a while I felt like it would be precarious to do that (i.e. show and give of myself – my ideas and feelings etc.) when what we have is not what I would like: a fully-committed let’s-collaborate-on-life-together kind of relationship. Gosh I hope this makes sense to whoever is reading. Anyway, then I thought that that feels like an ultimatum of sorts. I was then thinking that 1) it would be good for a change to not have things so clearly defined, to be forced by the situation, I guess, to really feel through things as they are happening. 2) Whatever our interaction is can call on certain aspects of myself or all of myself or some parts of me in a very deep (or shallow) way. Maybe I’ll enjoy it, maybe I won’t. And yet I still have this anxiety, feeling uncomfortable and irritated. Maybe I’m still feeling the loss.

    Daria – I’m so sorry that that happened to you. I hope you are okay. I hope you’ll get the help you need.

  214.  #214IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 10:54 am

    @203 nme – ME TOO!!! I love this blog more than I love actual therapy. actual therapy feels slower, and you only have feedback from two people!!! (you and the therapist) Here, you have tons of women!!!

    Thanks again for it, Rori!!!

  215.  #215CurvySiren10 on March 22, 2013 at 11:16 am

    Indigo, I have been super busy and unable to pay much attention to the blog, but I want to send my loving thoughts to you today. I hope you’ll feel comfortable sharing soon. {{{{Hugs}}}}

  216.  #216nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 11:18 am


    I know EXACTLY how your feeling. I struggle with wanting certainty before I invest myself too. It’s so hard knowing how much to share not knowing if you’ll get hurt.

  217.  #217nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 11:21 am

    IamHis #205

    Of course he will love you and think your beautiful when your pregnant. You will be carrying his child. Girl I gained 60 lbs my first pregnancy….I DON’T recommend that lol.

  218.  #218nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 11:22 am


    Thanks for clarifying…makes more sense. 🙂

  219.  #219Mercedes on March 22, 2013 at 11:22 am

    Indigo: I was in therapy for a long time and used to work as a counselor for teens and abused women. I might be one of the few here but I actually got a lot out of it. You are completely safe and can be totally vulnerable and to me, it felt really good (even during the “rough” sessions).

    Sometimes a really good cry with someone just being there…sometimes a lot of anger with someone to field it…all kinds of emotions. I loved it all. I had more than one really, really compassionate and loving therapists who I completely trusted in my life and I don’t think I will ever forget them.

    I was always open and authentic when I was there and I have no regrets. And that’s not to say it was easy…it was some of the hardest work I’ve ever done on myself but soooooo worth it.

    Much Love,

  220.  #220Indigo on March 22, 2013 at 11:23 am

    Thank you CurvySiren 🙂 that means a lot to me.

    I want to share but I’m a bit afraid of being judged. I suppose it’s that fear of weakness again, which I’ll need to get past.

    (((((hugs to you))))))

  221.  #221ALA on March 22, 2013 at 11:50 am

    I keep going over and over in my mind how blind I was.

    I love my trusting nature, even though I’m very often disappointed by some people who lie and take advantage of me.

    I feel like I need therapy.

    Feels like sinking into a deep depression. I’m scared that the darkness will take over.

  222.  #222Memulo on March 22, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    ALA, if it helps at all, I feel the same way. Trusting and loving, and lied to so easily. I feel furious about this. But it’s a good wake up call that you have to watch out for yourself and just plain do what you feel like doing. In my next relationship I wasn’t committed, so what, he had to live with it. Don’t think I will ever put them first from now on. Who are they 😉 -?

  223.  #223Memulo on March 22, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    I believe karma goes after those who betray and manipulate. What goes around, comes around;)

  224.  #224ALA on March 22, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    “I believe karma goes after those who betray and manipulate. ”

    I believe that also.

    Your words do help. ((( Memulo )))

    Talking with a guy on POF that is into meditation, spirituality and following a path of peace and non-violence. It feels safe to talk with someone like that…

  225.  #225Veronica on March 22, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    nme008 – Thank you. What do you think it is – a trust in yourself thing? I feel like it’s one of those things that you’ll never be sure of beforehand. Scary.

    Indigo – Went to therapy when I was in university when I felt like I was falling apart. Talking to someone really helped unload all the stuff I couldn’t process by myself. Things fell apart for me when the therapist told me ‘that maybe I had something (special about me) he wanted’ as a way to look positively at what an old family friend did to me when I was a child. Years later I found out that what the family friend was doing was what paedophiles call grooming. I was never molested but quite traumatised by the violation of boundaries. I was horrified and couldn’t trust the therapist anymore after what he said and I left. I didn’t feel understood and I’m not sure he knew what he was doing. I’ve never considered going to a therapist since then. So please take the time to find someone who is good at what they do. I hope things work out for you. Much strength to you during this time.

  226.  #226nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    I try so hard not to get angry when I talk to my mother about my children but she makes me feel so guilty. My 10 year old daughter is still really struggling with the divorce and when I reach out to my mom her advice is for me and my ex to get together once a week with our kids and do something. But this I feel is not the best idea now since my ex has been reaching out and telling me he misses me and still has feelings for me. It will blur the lines. She says “Well sometimes you have to just do something for your kids” as if I’m not considering my kids. I know this hurts them, but I don’t know how to fix it.

  227.  #227nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 12:47 pm


    I know for me it has to do with what happened in my marriage. Not even placing all the blame on him, I betrayed him as well. We both hurt each other so much and it was so unexpected since we were together so long and really didn’t have a horrible relationship. Then the little experience I’ve had with dating so far I just haven’t had a lot of trusting men in my life. The one guy completely swept me off my feet and opened up to me so much, met my kids and I met his and then he just fell off. Not even respecting me enough to talk to me when he felt our relationship was to much for him. I’m trying really hard not to project that in the relationship I’m in now but it’s so hard. When M takes any space for himself I immediately think something is wrong. I hope I can fix this in myself.

  228.  #228Dominique on March 22, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    nme008 and others – allowing vulnerability is one of the most beautiful gifts you can give to a man and more importantly, to yourself.

    As a reminder –



  229.  #229Dominique on March 22, 2013 at 12:52 pm

  230.  #230Elsie on March 22, 2013 at 12:55 pm


    So for those following. Yes, he came over the other night. NV’s were wrong.

    And……it was one of the best nights of my life.

    I said everything I needed to say, and asked everythign I needed to ask.

    Dominique – I asked about the day he said he was never getting married – guess what he said? EXACTLY what you thought. It was the worst day of his life, and of course, he didnt mean it and he feels horrible that I even have been thinking that he meant it.

    He told me he loves me, and that he wants to take care of me. He told me he wants to do this forever with me. He told me he would never get tired of it. He told me that he feels he has “standing” now with me and to not kiss boys in bars (our joke for committed relationship).

    I was so scared. And I told him. I just told him everything. I was shaking and crying, and told him, that I was so scared that he was going to break my heart.

    He said, he would do his best with everything he has to never have that ever happen. And that at the end of the day, all he wants is to make me happy.

    And while I was crying, I said, but why are you in love with me? We think differently on politics, relgion, I”m so emotional and you arent….why?….

    …and he said what Rori Raye and Christian Carter and the Queens Code and Dominique all say…

    He said QUOTE….I love you because of how you make me feel.

    I almost fell over.

    Then he said – I love you because of how you make me feel, and how special you are, and how you do little things for me, and I just want to spend the rest of my life taking care of you and making you happy.

    What do you say to that?

    Nothing. You just keep shaking and crying…..except from happiness instead of fear.

    It was the best night ever. And it was because I had to say what I had to say, and he connected with me on an emotional level that was SO HEALTHY where I’ve never been with anyone before.

    We spent the next hours talking about what we are going to do to “take care” of this and make sure that it never goes away.

    The next day …. we saw each other and talked even more about what we needed to do to make this work. I cried again. He just wants to take care of me, and I havent had that in so long.

    Anyway – its a long update and I’m sorry about that, but how can you thank Rori and Dominique for this? You cant. They have literally changed my life.

    I would never have been as healthy and handled things as well, and this relationship would have ended MONTHS ago if I hadnt used the tools. Its amazing. It really is.

  231.  #231IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    I feel shy, but why does he always talk about our future, but won’t move us toward the future?

    he won’t move us…

    it’s like he’s waiting for me to move…

    …or maybe just to speak…

  232.  #232Elsie on March 22, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    Dominique – OMG – you just said it perfectly above.

    allowing vulnerability is one of the most beautiful gifts you can give to a man and more importantly, to yourself.


  233.  #233nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 1:03 pm


    Thank you for that. I had to read it quickly just now but I’m going to take some time with that piece later when I’m alone and think on it more.

  234.  #234nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 1:08 pm


    That is amazing!!!! I was waiting to hear what happened. I’m so happy for you. It’s so encouraging to hear that. It’s what I want more then anything.

  235.  #235Elsie on March 22, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    nme008 – oh that made me feel really special and good that you were even following my story.

    I honestly think that me changing myself had everything to do with it. I read Rori, Christian Carter, the Queens Code and listened to Dominique.

    And…..if it hadnt worked with him, then I would have known that he wasnt for me, and that I had been authentic and real and been emotionally honest vulnerable and HEALTHY. So that is the true victory for me.

  236.  #236IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    Love those posts, Dominique. Thank you.

    Made me think of Jack CD. I love him so much, but still haven’t told him, and he certainly hasn’t told me.

    but I can feel it from him.

    He has seen me shake, he has seen my rage, he has seen me tremble, he has seen me light-hearted, silly, playful, and scared-out-of-my-mind.

    I keep waiting for him to go away for good, but he doesn’t.

    I keep trying to walk away, but he always follows…

    I still don’t know how to handle it.
    It’s like he keeps trying to love me, and I won’t let him.
    or I’ll try to love him, and he doesn’t understand.

    I feel really sad and confused and stuck…

    and he won’t step up in a real, concrete, yes-this-is-masculine-kind-of-way.

    or maybe he has, and I’m just too stupid to know how to respond in the right way…

    I want to stop thinking about him, but so much makes me think about him, especially Dominique’s posts for some reason…

  237.  #237IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    I just want him to take the lead!

    he does, and I don’t respond. I freeze up and freeze him out so often…

    and then I turn around, and there’s another girl flirting with him, and sometimes he seems completely apathedic about it, and sometimes he flirts right back.

    and I’m watching the whole thing…not knowing what to do…just feeling paralyzed and angry or scared or like giving up or apathedic or like rolilng my eyes or I don’t know…

  238.  #238IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    is it such an awful expectation to want him to speak first?

    to want him to ask me out?

    to want him to beg me to be his and his alone?

    We were walking out alone one night. He didn’t plan it, I didn’t plan it, it just happened to happen that way. I would feel so much more certain about things if he would!!!!

    We just talked about our perspective weeks, family, catching up stuff…

    He walked me home and we were both standing there…

    and I felt so exhausted and sad (not because of him at all, because of other stuff and he knew that….)

    and he lingered when we said goodbye.

    it felt like he expected ME to say something…

    but I was too tired to even remember my own name, to be honest…

    and he seemed disappointed that I didn’t have anything more to say than “thanks so much for everything.”

    I meant “everything” to really mean “everything” he had done for me since we first started to get to know each other, but I think it sounded too generic, and I think I was too tired to expound…

    and so we’re just sitting here in limbo…

    been trying to show more respect, thank him more, brag on him in public…

    I don’t know if it’s working or not….

    been trying to mirror his flirtatious gestures, but they never seem to be as smooth as him, or interpretated correctly…

    Interpretated? is that even a word?

    interpretted? Interruption?

  239.  #239IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    it’s like I have this voice in my head that’s sleepy and unsure and just kind of goes: “does this mean what I think it means?”

    and then I have no idea how to respond…

  240.  #240Dominique on March 22, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    Elsie – 229 – YAY!!! Oh my you really made my day, my week, my two weeks. Happy Dance!!! I feel SO happy for you.


  241.  #241Dominique on March 22, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    Iamhis – Maybe stop this analyzing, wondering, wondering, and just FEEL. From what you say it all FEELS good. Revel in this.

    Even now K doesn’t really say much, and then again neither do I, yet the feelings are palpable.

    We never had an exclusive talk. He never in a traditional way stepped up to claim me, yet he did. In HOW way, in his uniquely him style.

    Can you try to halt those thoughts which keep spinning round and round, and try to just BE, FEEL?


  242.  #242IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    one time I COMPLETELY LOST IT with rage in front of him…well, and other people…

    the next thing I know, he just shows up unexpectedly at this place where I wasn’t expecting to see him…

    …and just watched me the whole night. and I acted…I don’t know…cool but civil? I was just trying to feel how I felt…and that’s how I felt…calmed down and civil but maybe a little frustrated…

    and then, the next time he saw me (again, not planned by him and again, we weren’t alone…he waited until we WERE alone in the room together…)

    He just came up behind me and then stood next to me and didn’t say a word…

    and I felt….

    I felt…

    I felt what’s the point?
    I don’t even know what to say?
    I felt really sad?
    I felt defeated?

    and I slumped my shoulders and walked away…

    and then I felt soooooo guilty for doing that…

    this was a while ago….

    I want to be like

    “I feel like you want me to say or do something, but I don’t know what to say and I don’t know what to do, I just feel scared and confused and I miss you, but then I need space and then I feel angry when there’s so many other girls vying for your attention and I JUST DON”T FREAKING KNOW AnD IF YOU WOULD JUST TAKE THE LEAD!!!!!!!”


    just needed to get that out…

  243.  #243Elsie on March 22, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    @Dominique – you should feel happy for YOURSELF because you help so many people!

    I just know that there are so many times that I look and see what he DOES and think to myself, this is the way he is showing up for me, showing me love. It may not be in the traditional hallmark way of notes and cards, but it is not crumbs either. It truly is his way of showing up for me and loving me.

    I guarantee if I had not laid down my sword (Queens Code) and set down my oars (Rori Raye) this relationship would have ended last September. Thats a fact.

  244.  #244Elsie on March 22, 2013 at 1:57 pm


    Then say it. SAY IT. Say…. “It would feel good to have your help with something. I feel like you want me to say or do something, but I don’t know what to say and I don’t know what to do, I just feel scared and confused and I miss you. I do better when I feel like I know whats going on. Knowing where you are at would help me make better decisions concerning what it is that I need to do.”

  245.  #245IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    Dominique – Thank you.

    I don’t just don’t know what I feel…

    Did you happen to read all the stuff I wrote about my sheer terror over being the one in charge of the relationship?

    Would love to hear your thoughts on that, but I was spamming big time, and kind of all over the place, so if you don’t have time to read and respond or need to take a while, I understand.

    Thank you so much for your soft, sane, gentle voice.

    It feels so soothing you don’t even know…

    Feels like an outside voice that quietly says,

    “yes, you can trust yourself. feel your feelings. it’s okay…”

  246.  #246Veronica on March 22, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    nme008 – Oh wow I understand how that would be difficult. Now I can see how vulnerability takes enormous strength (Thank you Dominique). I really hope it happens for you and M.

    Elsie – gosh that makes me feel good – it’s so good to know this kind of thing exists.

  247.  #247IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    @243 Elsie – wow, that’s an amazing feeling message. Thank you.

    It’s just really, really, hard for me to say those things in the heat of the moment or remember what to say or how to say or to feel what I”m feeling all at once…

  248.  #248IamHis on March 22, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    have I mentioned that the words “commitment” “marriage” and “exclusive” absolutely TERRIFY me?

  249.  #249Dominique on March 22, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    Iamahis – I would feel delighted, yet can you point me in the right direction. I didn’t absorb much of what I read while I was so sick.


  250.  #250Elsie on March 22, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    @IamHis – I got the “I need your help with something” from the Queens Code – I love that book – google it – its an ebook. She said that most men’s response to a woman asking….can you help me with …x… is “Yes, what is it?” So you are tapping into their need to PROVIDE for you. So you just say Can you help me…..they instinctively want to help and provide.

    The other part about “I do better when….” is because you are making it about YOU not HIM. Thats Rori Raye. You are saying….look, this is what I need, and so if you just let me know where you are at, then that will help me figure out what to do with that information. You arent trying to change him, you are just trying to figure out what to do with what he thinks about stuff.

    I did this the other night. I said, I dont know if you want to ever get married or not, but you said that, and I”m not going to pretend to myself you didnt or make up in my head an excuse. I’m also NOT going to try to change your mind, but I need to know for myself where you are at because if you are never ever getting married, then that will help me with making my own decisions…..

    Its about you, not them. 🙂

  251.  #251Dominique on March 22, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    Iamhis – So make up your own words. Even now I cringe at the word marriage and often forget I did finally marry a few months ago after over a decade.


  252.  #252nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    Dominique #240

    ….it feels really reassuring to hear that about you and K. A lot of my relationship with M is felt and nit spoken. Sometimes its hard cause I just want clear facts but you make it seem ok.


    Thank you!


    I’m definitely picking up the other two authors you told me about. Are they books in print or only ebooks? And listen to Dominique? As in on here or does she have audio books or something?

  253.  #253Elsie on March 22, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    @Veronica – it only happened because I decided to work on ME. And I will tell you even after that night – I still had some negative voices today. Its not what happens, its how you handle it. Some days are still better than others. But I made myself vulnerable like Dominique says to do – and wow, it paid off in SPADES. But, I had to risk hearing and getting the answers I didnt want to hear and I had to shake and cry and be vulnerable and say I’m so scared that you are going to hurt me, in order to hear him say what I heard.

  254.  #254Elsie on March 22, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    @nme008 – Queens Code and Christian Carter are both ebooks and not expensive. TOTALLY worth both of them.

    And Dominique – well, I just read her advice to others on here which is nothing short of AMAZING, and I have been fortunate enough to have her comment on my situation too – which was ALWAYS right….always….AND her website (which you can get to by clicking on her name) has articles that are fantastic. I know you can also talk to her or email her for a fee – but I”m not sure how that works – I’m sure she can tell you !!!! And I bet thats even MORE amazing haha!

  255.  #255Elsie on March 22, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    @IamHis – This is why Rori says to practice these speeches – so that in the moment of anxiousness and freaked out ness….LOL….that you can have words you always go back to.

    I go back to “I feel….” “I need help with something”…..”This feels…..” or “I do better when….”

    Those are my “go-tos”

    Also sometimes I just take a moment and put my hand on my heart/chest and close my eyes, and I say to him, ok, I have something to say and I feel a bit nervous so I feel like I need a moment…..or I just dont say anything and take a breath and put my hand on my heart….

    That might help?

  256.  #256Heart on March 22, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    Thanks Mercedes & Indigo…I feel touched & smily reading your posts….I feel comforted & grateful.


  257.  #257ALA on March 22, 2013 at 2:26 pm

    … after only two emails and ZenCD is wanting to meet me, after we talk on the phone a bit. I like his attentiveness, but he seems a little too eager. He hasn’t even asked to see a pic of me. I dont have one one my profile because of my business working with the public, and also D would stalk me all over the internet and found my profile and went ballistic on me.

  258.  #258Heart on March 22, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    Elsie – I think you’re awesome & a wonderful voice on this blog….

    I say this out of concern & love – Can’t you just let go of the marriage comment? This man seems to be devoted to you…I would just enjoy the relationship for now…
    Do you want to marry him?

  259.  #259Heart on March 22, 2013 at 2:37 pm

    Elsie – oops now reading your update…i missed it…..wow how awesome…I feel a little jealous…and very happy for you.

  260.  #260Elsie on March 22, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    @Heart – I feel VERY VERY emotional reading that you think that I’m a wonderful voice on this blog. I”m so new here so that feels well…..very flattering. And I’m a little embarrassed and humbled frankly. Wow.

    Ok – the marriage comment. For me, because its a dealbreaker for me, I couldnt let it go. That was my boundary. So I said one time what I had to say from a place of vulnerability at the right moment, and what he said back to me was so perfect I couldnt have scripted it better haha! So it worked for me. I will never ever bring it up again. I trust him and his word implicitly, so he said it and now I”m done. I dont need any additional reassurance. 🙂

    Thanks for feeling happy – but dont feel jealous please. It took so much work to get here, and we arent yet through the woods yet…..but I have to admit right now feels good – so instead of worrying about the past or fretting about the future, I”m going to enjoy the now.

  261.  #261Heart on March 22, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    Elsie – yay I’m glad about you living in the now & feeling flattered by my comments…

    I have the power to make you feel Emotional….wow Imagine how good I’m going to make New-guy-should-be-arriving-soon feel….hehe I feel like a siren.

  262.  #262Heart on March 22, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    ps Thanks for the good vibes Elsie…I feel flattered by u feeling flattered..hehe

  263.  #263Dominique on March 22, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    nme008 – 251 – The thing is hearing what you think you want to hear doesn’t guarantee a thing. It’s in how you feel, how he makes you feel as long as you’re truly open and being curious and allowing of what is.

    And in answer to your question,I have an ebook as well as a video program. Click on my name, and it will take you to my site. Both can be found here – http://sexandheart.com/my-products


  264.  #264Elsie on March 22, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    @Heart – have fun tonight!!!!

  265.  #265BeLoved on March 22, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    I’m feeling sort of angry and annoyed.
    omCD just texted me, “hits and misses, I’m clear from now through mid-day tomorrow.”
    No phone call.
    It wouldn’t feel good to respond right now.
    I feel like the universe is testing me…
    ‘Sure you don’t want to lean forward a little? Are you sure you don’t want to call when you feel bad and angry and irritated and be more specific? Maybe they aren’t getting it…maybe you need to spell it out for them…’ 😉

    I remember when I was dating a year ago and felt something like this with FoodieCD. I wasn’t sure whether I was communicating clearly and leaned forward and ended up with a wishy-washy couple of dates only to learn his wife had just moved out sometime between our first and third date. He asked, “Is that a problem??”
    Hahaha, yes!


    Irritation feels like….prickly electrified sandpaper all across my heart and chest area.
    A growly grrrrr rumbling from deep behind my bellybutton

    I feel sort of liberated, actually….
    I feel lighter realizing how these patterns work and are shifting.
    If I don’t call when I feel bad, then I really really notice how often I’m feeling good or bad about my thoughts about someone. I’m not relying on them to care for my feelings, *I* am caring for my feelings.

    It feels so weird to choose to not call someone when I don’t feel good about it, it feels weird to wait until I feel good! It feels kind of wrong, even, as though…I shouldn’t be avoiding them or hmmm
    what is it?
    As if, I’m responsible for things going well and smoothly.

    I know from my own experience, though, that I was an incredibly rebellious, inconsiderate and emotionally ill woman, but the first time M told me he preferred to talk by phone, I heard it as if it were the very bells of Heaven ringing directly into my ears.
    I dragged my attention out of the bowels of drug-induced stupefied living to be sure I talked to him by phone and not text or email, unless he initiated by email.

    I AM the prize!
    I AM the yummy pie!

    What would feel good for me to do right now???

  266.  #266BeLoved on March 22, 2013 at 3:44 pm

    Okay I just called a friend and left a voicemail with yummy messages about how good I was feeling and am noticing
    SELFISH! it feels to do what feels good for me.
    Who am I to not return a text letting me know omCD is available on the weekend on less than 24 hour notice?

    Gee, fiestaCD is feeling terrible because he’s created an imaginary relationship already in his mind before we’ve even been on a date and shouldn’t I just call and set him straight?

    Ick, I literally just gagged.

    If fiestaCD doesn’t get it by me not responding, he isn’t going to get it if I explain how I feel all over again, and I don’t end up entangled with a man who is wrapped up in his own mind and can’t see me.

    omCD, I feel will probably get it, if he doesn’t then…*shrug*
    same thing, I don’t get entangled with a guy who sees me as a last minute option.

    Win win!

    What else would feel good right now????

  267.  #267BeLoved on March 22, 2013 at 3:46 pm


    Re – trauma. Speaking as someone who has fallen off the horse and stayed fallen and lived to regret it – If I had to do it all over again I would get back on the horse ASAP.

    If it were me, my ideal imaginary self would CD every law enforcement officer I could find so that I didn’t end up with a traumatic imprint over it. I would want to teach my mind that authority figures can also be safe. Maybe ask one to let me wear handcuffs on my terms, to get my power back.


  268.  #268ALA on March 22, 2013 at 3:58 pm

    (((((((((((((((((( Sirens )))))))))))))))

    I’m working and dont have time to respond to everyone would like to. Consider yourself Hugged ‘n Loved!!!

    Beloved _ I Love what you had to say to Daria. I felt concern for her, and not really knowing what to say.

  269.  #269Iamabutterfly on March 22, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    I feel soooooooooooooooooooooo guilty. I changed my profile pic on facebook and my mom commented and said, “love that picture and love that girl!” I feel so teary, forgiving, and guilty.

    She hardly ever said anything like that when I was growing up…

    She has healed and is healing so much, and I am so proud of her!!!

  270.  #270nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 4:03 pm


    When I’m with M I feel sooo great, no doubt and IRS all good. It’s how I feel when he’s not with me that is scary. But he can’t do anything about my feelings when he us not there so that’s on me right? I’m going to read your blog as well and get your ebook, thank you. I’m very grateful for your feedback in here.
    I was feeling good about my Friday me night. Going shopping w my mom then planned on reading and having some wine….so why when my friend calls and asks what I’m doing and says “your not seeing M?! Why???” It makes me feel like I have to explain myself as if its wrong to not be w him every Friday I’m free. 🙁

  271.  #271Elsie on March 22, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    @Daria – I’m feel worried for you. I’m not sure if thats misplaced or not – or if I’m just overly concerned. I dont know your whole situation with the handcuffs, but I hope you are ok.

  272.  #272Dominique on March 22, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    nme – I understand it’s difficult and mostly because most of us have been conditioned to explain, yet we don’t have to explain ourselves, not any of it. You can respond by saying happily, excitedly, “why yes I’m staying home alone tonight, and I am SO looking forward to some ME time.” or something like this. Helps shift your energy within, helps YOU feel better about YOU which is what’s most important anyway.


  273.  #273Liquid Light on March 22, 2013 at 4:33 pm


    So happy for you!!! Your story and the unfolding of your romance is so inspiring. Love how you made yourself so vulnerable and he stepped up %120!!!

    Thanks for sharing your story and good luck!!! Keep us posted cuz its so nice to hear of such a wonderful success story!

  274.  #274Syrena on March 22, 2013 at 5:31 pm

    I feel amused. A man e mails me flirting for over a week then saying we have to meet and he will come to me.
    When I ask where and when are you thinking he disappears for three weeks.
    No pops back up saying his e mail has been broken and sorry, no follow through with date.
    Just back to flirty e mail asking me what I have been up to , not to be shy and tell me. Going on and on about my eyes and asking me to send a pic to remind him of them.

    Feel bored, meh, can’t be bothered. Have ignored.
    Any thoughts?

  275.  #275Syrena on March 22, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    Although tempted to say I don’t feel good about sending pictures to people I do not know.

  276.  #276Syrena on March 22, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    Feel happy to hear your good stuff Elsie.

  277.  #277Elsie on March 22, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    @Syrena – Your gut and heart are leading you. Trust them. If you dont like how it feels you arent obligated to write him back or send him any pictures, and you can tell him that if you feel like it.

  278.  #278Elsie on March 22, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    @Liquid LIght – thank you!!! But I have to keep remembering that it isnt a success story because he stepped up. Its a success story because I was vulnerable and actually said what I felt and what I needed no matter what the outcome was 🙂

  279.  #279BeLoved on March 22, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    I feel so high!!!!
    Just had an awesome conversation with T, got into a touchy subject, noticed my heart was feeling heavier and heavier and I believe it was a topic between him and him to work out…I said I’m feeling triggered and I can’t talk to you about this, what do you think?
    He says…OK!
    Oh, that’s better! This is freaking awesome!
    I love this!

  280.  #280Memulo on March 22, 2013 at 6:11 pm


  281.  #281Memulo on March 22, 2013 at 6:24 pm


    I feel puzzled that you are looking for the right words or even a speech. It is NOT Elsie’s words that made the cut. Elsie, I AM very happy for you;) I said all the right words and did all the right things in my situation and he praised me for being me for a while, and then he found someone better and he lied with no shame and treated me like sh-t with no shame. I could do nothing to influence it one way or another.

  282.  #282Elsie on March 22, 2013 at 7:03 pm

    @Memulo: I am going to respectfully disagree. I think it takes BOTH. I think you need to have a non-toxic man clearly, and that is important. But I think words DO have an impact and have meaning. I think that what you say and how you say it absolutely matters. I think that if you are looking for the right words to CHANGE someone then that wont work. But if you are looking for the right words to truly express how you feel to someone – to better communicate what you need – in a way that is the healthiest version of you – then that absolutely matters.

    Thats my opinion. Its not about changing them. Its about b

  283.  #283Elsie on March 22, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    whoops I hit send too soon….LOL

    Its about being the best possible version of you – and that takes effort and time. It takes the willingness to sit down and figure out what you really want and then taking the time to figure out the best way to articulate that.

    And then it takes the courage to say it WITHOUT ANY EXPECTATIONS – Dominique talks a lot about this.

    you say what you need to say and then sit back and see what happens. Its NOT about changing them.

    Its about figuring out where you are – and then telling someone where you are at emotionally, and then being open to hearing where they are at – and THEN making a decision if that works for you or not.

  284.  #284Elsie on March 22, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    @Memulo – If you said what you needed to say and he didnt meet your emotional needs, you didnt do anything wrong…..but neither did he. He just wasnt the lid to your pot as they say. 🙂 They say that every pot has a lid to fit it – he just didnt fit yours.

    Frankly, if I were you, I would be happy that I dodged a bullet with a womanizing liar. 🙂 Because you articulated your emotional needs and he couldnt meet them because he was toxic you were able to find that out – and THATS the important part.

    Again, just my opinion. 🙂

  285.  #285ALA on March 22, 2013 at 7:18 pm

    I just now caught up with Elsie’s story. I feel very happy for her too.

    Me too, been wondering about similar stuff as well, Memulo. I think I did extraordinay well under the circumstances. Maybe it’s an unconscious chemical recognition we do. For me, it was that instant attraction that I’m learning here, on the blog, is not very healthy. I still remember the first time we met all those hormones, chemicals, endorphines, what have you, that were going off were actually alarm bells, whistles and warning signs that I should’ve paid attention to.

    I’m thinking about the why’s I stayed with him for so long now.

    … and I’m still getting moments of wanting to beg him to take me back.

    I remember from my first post Rori told me I was classic codependent. That hit me smack upside the head. In a good way, btw. This is stuff I’ve been dealing with since my early twenties, and I’m a middle-aged woman now. Not all my relationships have been so tumultuous. The good one(s?) have been with a guy I wasn’t that attracted to initially. But, I was totally masculine and got bored because my feminine nature wasn’t being nurtured by him.

  286.  #286nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 7:23 pm

    Elsie #282&283

    Love what you had to say here. I know sometimes the fear is that you want the guy your with to be the right guy so I don’t have to look any further, I mean who wants to be with the wrong guy? It’s like if I don’t say how I really feel I won’t have to find out he’s not right, lol. Sounds so dumb but it’s the truth sometimes. Even though your better in the long run with out the guy. Generally speaking, I’ve done that in the past. Bad habit to have.

  287.  #287Elsie on March 22, 2013 at 7:32 pm

    @ALA – I was totally codependent too – it started with my mother. I was basically told from a baby that my feelings arent important and that only if she validates them and I agree with her is anything good. So – wow, I had to deal with that. So I definitely struggle with finding my own voice. For a long time I’m like I have no idea what I want so how in the world do I articulate it….forget about articulating it correctly – I have no idea what I want!!! I still have a hard time with that – and have to think about it a lot.

    And I know that feeling of wanting to beg someone to take you back – but that is just because that insecurity tells you that you are not ok on your own – you NEED someone. And its not healthy to NEED someone I learned. It is ok to want someone – and to enjoy someone – but not ok to NEED them.

    Its still SO HARD thought. Trust me I seriously know.

    @nme008 – That is a TOTAL fear – you just want the guy you have already invested time and emotional energy into to just be the guy so you dont have start all over with someone new (exhausting.) But its better to cut losses and then use that time looking for someone who really is your match, right? Or being alone for that matter.

    So you have to say how you feel and then just give up all expectations. It would be great if he matches you and steps up for you – but if he doesnt then you know you have to move on – and its not anyone fault – its just what is best for you.

    Its SOOOOO HARD. If it were easy none of us would be on here right? LOL

  288.  #288nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 7:33 pm


    I will for sure take that approach next time, and I’m sure there will be a next time lol, I get that response from a friend. I mean “relationship” doesn’t mean “attached at the hip”. Goodness.


    I had a great night! Dinner with my brother and parents (he is an AMAZING cook!), shopping with my mom and now home! Although I spent to much…but I love my 3 new necklaces and dress! I FEEL GREAT!!!

    Even better I was talking to my brother (he is seriously my best friend in the entire world) and telling him about this blog and how I’m going to download a few other books and he says “Great! Do it, you sound so happy. These books really are helping you, I love it.” lol.

  289.  #289nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 7:38 pm


    Perfectly put. I guess I still need to figure out exactly what I want. Like you said marriage was a deal breaker for you….I don’t really know what mine is. I was married for 11 years and my divorce was just finalized in October, so I honestly don’t know if that’s something I want again. At least not any time soon. But I DO want commitment and security. I know that. And I think I have it with M. I think what I really need to to find security in myself right now.

  290.  #290nme008 on March 22, 2013 at 7:57 pm


    Is the Christian Carter book your talking about Catch Him and Keep Him? I thought you said it was called Queens something?

  291.  #291ALA on March 22, 2013 at 8:24 pm

    Appreciating you thoughts, Elsie. Yeah, not knowing what I want and how I feel is huge!

    Where’s Feminine Woman today? I’m missing her input greatly.

    … and Tam? I remember her saying something about taking a break from guys. I’m missing her writing style. I feel like I’m with her on all her adventures.

    I’m procrastinating what to do with ZenCD. I like how open he is, Quite refreshing after guarded, privacy oriented D. I feel happy to make a new friend with common interests.

    The phone thing, I only have a disposable phone for online dating guys and I’m running out of mins. He gets quite verbos in emails and I dont want him to take up all my mins. Good practice for cutting him off?

    … and cheesyCD is still at the “hey, how’s it going” stage. lol

    It feels difficult to think rationally right now. I shouldn’t have even gone to work today. In the middle of a conversation with a client I caught myself in this brain-fog obsessive thought pattern, not even listening to what they were saying.

    Glad you had a nice time with your family tonight, nme!

  292.  #292Indigo on March 22, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    Memulo 205

    I am healthy and safe, more or less. Thank you for reminding me to count my blessings, it helped 🙂

  293.  #293Indigo on March 22, 2013 at 10:43 pm

    Memulo and nme008

    Thank you for sharing about therapy. I am concerned about finding just the right person, I may have sessions with a few just to see who feels best.

  294.  #294Indigo on March 22, 2013 at 10:47 pm


    Thank you so much for sharing about your therapy, and thank you for the strength you sent me, I appreciate it so much.

    I am so sorry this happened to you, it must have felt like such a violation of trust. And again underscores the need for finding just the right person. I hope you have healed from this x

  295.  #295Indigo on March 22, 2013 at 10:50 pm

    Mercedes 219

    I dearly hope that will be my experience. That is what I am hoping to get out of it, exactly what you described.

    I am willing to do the work and experience the hardness and pain and ugliness, to have what is sooooo worth it in the end. I really want that and know I need to do it for myself. Thank you for sharing 🙂

  296.  #296Emerson on March 22, 2013 at 11:18 pm

    151 memulo it’s not so much about if he will change… It’s immaterial….it is more about my process and a learning/growth opportunity for me to speak up as opposed to running away or blocking someone out which is my typical easy way out…

  297.  #297Emerson on March 22, 2013 at 11:19 pm

    NME yes I’ve done spray tan and it’s fabulous ! Nowadays they are not orange…

  298.  #298Emerson on March 22, 2013 at 11:44 pm

    So now my online guy who left me hanging on Thursday wants to talk to me… But I think I may just drop him. I do not ….**do not!!!!* wnt to be left hanging!!!!

  299.  #299Emerson on March 22, 2013 at 11:58 pm

    I just realized something … I’ve heard a work related excuse for cancelling/not calling/not comfirming from 4 different men in the past week alone. Over it. Rage but also…. *shrug*

  300.  #300Emerson on March 23, 2013 at 12:03 am

    This is something I won’t tolerate… It is bull£hit..
    I understand we all have jobs but we all have cellphones too.

  301.  #301Elsie on March 23, 2013 at 2:08 am

    @nme008 – there are two books – one is Catch HIm and Keep him ebook from Christian Carter. The other is the Queens Code by Allison Armstrong. 🙂

  302.  #302BeLoved on March 23, 2013 at 5:02 am

    It’s 7am and I am putting on my favorite heels to go to the grocery store and pick up sparkling water.

    I feel fabulous!

    Mercedes – this is YOUR doing, muahahahahahaha!!! 🙂

  303.  #303nme008 on March 23, 2013 at 6:38 am

    I found and bought both books last night and downloeted them onto my kindle. Queens code was very difficult to download, I had to do one chspeter at a time! But anyway, I’m very excited to read them. Which would you suggest I read first?

  304.  #304nme008 on March 23, 2013 at 6:40 am


    Do the spray tans rub off on sheets and stuff? I’m gonna give one a shot. I’m all about groupon and they always have deals on there.

  305.  #305nme008 on March 23, 2013 at 6:41 am

    BeLoved_you go girl! Lol. I feel so sexy and great in heels!

  306.  #306nme008 on March 23, 2013 at 6:45 am

    Oh and Emerson_I’m in 100% agreement with you on the cell phone thing. There is no reason for rudeness. Take 2 seconds to text if you can’t be bothered to even call. I did the online dating thing for awhile and that was sooo frustrating!

  307.  #307Femininewoman on March 23, 2013 at 7:11 am

    I believe I had heard Rori say that text is great.

    Another thing I have read is that a lot of men see the phone as a business tool. As such they use it to “transact business”

    Some guys also tend to hate the phone. I have experienced some increasing the frequency of calls when I let them know how their voice sound good to me or how it makes me feel to hear their voice. I like to hear deep masculine voices and I am also practicing using complements to see what it creates.

  308.  #308Indigo on March 23, 2013 at 7:11 am

    I have turned weekends into my weekly grooming time – so this is when I tweeze and wax and do my nails and my feet, and take extra special care with my hair. It’s very relaxing.

    I have booked a session with a therapist on Monday. And I have been reading Dominique’s stuff. When I have some extra cash, I’m going to book some sessions with her. I feel excited and energised to go deeper into my personal healing, but at the same time tired. I’m foreseeing it being difficult and kind of painful. I just want to be there already!

    But I feel that it will be worth it. I’m glad I’m doing this.

  309.  #309Femininewoman on March 23, 2013 at 7:44 am

    RE 298 “So now my online guy who left me hanging on Thursday wants to talk to me… But I think I may just drop him. I do not ….**do not!!!!* wnt to be left hanging!!!!”

    Emerson just a few observations/comments on this post. I believe I have observed you writing “my” in relation to these guys. I want to encourage you to consciously choose to drop the thought around “my, and mine” in relation to guys until someone claims you. For some reason I have a suspicion that it kinda affects the thought pattern and experience with men. I know it is innocuous but the point is that it is there and I would personally choose to be conscious about this.

    I am asking myself how could he have left you hanging if you were not holding on (expectation?) in some way. Again unconscious. This might be ridiculous semantics on my part, yet my brain is saying if you are the one hanging, then if you let go who would be dropped?

    I believe words have power so choosing one’s words can create an internal sense of power over one’s life. So the thing is if a man says he will follow up by a certain time and he does not do we allow space for one misstep/mess up and use the opportunity to state a boundary. Such as CCarter’s “I don’t take men seriously who don’t keep their word”. Or “I really expect that the man I date be honest with me about where he’s at otherwise I am not interested”. Though they can say they were being honest by letting you know they were swampped at work. The first one is a good one I believe to use after a day has passed or about the same amount of time that they allowed to elapse between the time they promised to get back to you to the time they actually do. Though that is also contributing to the breakdown in communication.

    I do believe also that life happens. Sometimes I myself get caught up with things and then oops remember something I should have done a day earlier. Though this seems to be a pattern with 4 different men I believe it would also be good to see if each individual man establishes a pattern of doing such things 2 – 3 times in a row, after you find a way to speak up about it. This to me, is a way to allow a man to show who he is and what he prioritizes. While you live your life.

    All said, your words suggest your vibe is shifting. You are stepping up more into your power so I believe using the velvet hammer now is good. Soft on the outside, strong on the inside. Being clear about where one is at in a way that a man can hear you and respect you without him feeling pushed totally away. Just writing that feels like hard work to me but then I flipped it inside me to accept that this is about me and bringing my best self forward to relate.

  310.  #310BeLoved on March 23, 2013 at 7:46 am

    Elsie thanks so much for turning me on to the Queen’s Code – just from poking around the videos lots of little pops and clicks and whirs and “a-ha!”s coming up, I will probably buy the book soon. The gaps are filling in….!

  311.  #311Femininewoman on March 23, 2013 at 7:49 am

    So what are the 3 habits that can kill love?
    You stop telling the truth. Let’s be real: sometimes telling the truth is hard. We avoid it because we’re afraid of the response we might get or we fear being judged. We might talk ourselves out of it and push it down, telling ourselves we don’t have the time or energy to deal with it. When you avoid confrontation by the “lie of omission,” your resentment will build making you unhappy and anxious. If something is important you need to tell your partner the truth; even if your voice shakes and you’re scared. More often than not the anticipation of his reaction will be worse than the experience itself. When you withhold a truth it’s like you have a “secret” you’re keeping that can’t help but create a sense of distance and separation between you.


  312.  #312Heart on March 23, 2013 at 7:55 am

    Blog – I had a good night…I feel good but the obsessiveness is started to creep in…

    Why did CudG not respond to my message but then liked my FB photo a week later? I fear I might just obsess about this & lip into an over-thinking hole…Should I lean forward & ask what’s up?
    Advice & comfort welcomed

  313.  #313Heart on March 23, 2013 at 8:01 am

    Up down up down
    this sucks…I’ve been trying the stop tool….out the window…but that ache in my chest keeps coming back….
    I feel frustrated with myself..
    I feel embarassed I’m still pining over this guy in front of all the sirens…

  314.  #314Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 8:07 am

    Heart, do you ever talk to him on the phone? Did you consider picking up the phone and just chatting?

  315.  #315Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 8:17 am

    Elsie, thank you for your responses. Guess I have a hard time forgiving myself for as he put it ‘your problem is that you are letting me do anything’. Meaning I did not ask him where he is , what he is doing, why he would skip a weekend without an explanation (happened only 2-3 times in 8-9 months). Some men need structure apparently. I expressed my needs but in a calm and loving way, and with him it had to be more dramatic. It was not who I was at the time. I thought it was beneath me to ask these questions. I’ve changed.

    The truth is that he knew who I was and liked it, but then started taking me for granted, and then upgraded me by his friend’s recommendation to someone younger. He was feeling scared and unhappy about his age actually. Being with me who is in the same age range made him feel like his life is over in a way. But having said all that – he is probably happy wherever he is because I never heard from him again. I don’t know if he is a womanizer. A liar and a selfish person – yes.

  316.  #316Heart on March 23, 2013 at 8:24 am

    Memulo – we mostly use email, messages etc
    I don’t want to call him…I’d rather email or text.

  317.  #317ALA on March 23, 2013 at 8:26 am

    Happy weekend, Sirens!

    ugh, made coffee and forgot to put the pot back under the drip.

    Good to ‘see’ you, FW! 🙂

  318.  #318Indigo on March 23, 2013 at 8:46 am


    I sooo get you. And as much as it sucks to feel this way, you have to thank this experience for showing up.

    Or that’s how it has been for me, anyway. When those obsessive thoughts show up, it is something pushing towards the surface to be healed. Personally, I have traditionally avoided sinking into those feelings because they’re a bit painful and they make me feel afraid. These men and these experiences of feeling “ignored” come to us to show us where we need to heal. Yet now I am choosing to face this feeling, rather than the man.

    I may be projecting onto you, but perhaps you may find something of comfort in my words. x

  319.  #319ALA on March 23, 2013 at 8:47 am

    The phone thing… If I give him my cell# and keep it short. Then lean back for a day, or three and see if what he does, so I can gauge a little better if he’s a whacko or not. Maybe I can then tell him my phone sitch and give him my landline #? I dont have money to buy new mins right now. On a safety level, is this risky?

    He’s so open, gave me his full name and FB page. I feel so guarded and not trusting. I think he would be a good friend for me to learn to trust again.

  320.  #320BeLoved on March 23, 2013 at 8:48 am


    I have known T for ELEVEN years.
    I have done copious amounts of psychedelics with this man, delved deeped into each others’ psyches, merged, unmerged, been through all kinds of stuff with this man and

    I still feel surprised by him!!!

    He asked what I thought about something and I told him, even though I felt judgey of myself for analyzing instead of some other indefinable way I sometimes believe to be the more ‘correct’ way of perceiving a person or situation…

    he just sent me an email that left me mouth hanging open asking,
    who IS this man!!!?????

    He responded with warmth and depth that I’ve never experienced from him before, and with empowering and inspiring suggestions

    I feel like I could almost cry…

    It’s actually working…what I’m doing IS F*CKING WORKING FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Oh happy day!!!!

  321.  #321BeLoved on March 23, 2013 at 8:49 am

    I actually feel like jumping up and down now – gonna put on some Patti LaBelle “New Attitude” and get down for a minute 🙂

  322.  #322Smile on March 23, 2013 at 8:51 am

    Heart, sending comfort your way x

  323.  #323ALA on March 23, 2013 at 8:53 am

    Heart _ could be he’s too busy to type, and “liking” your pic was a quick way to let you know he’s thinking of you?

  324.  #324Smile on March 23, 2013 at 8:57 am

    I have been experiencing aot of stress at the minute… Or to say I am going through events which are highly stressful. I’m buying a house. My job is reaching an all time demanding work load and planning a trip travelling around Asia. But here’s the best bit… Yes I’m having to keep a tight schedule and be super organised to get stuff done soo many important deadlines but I’m stress free!!! I’m the happiest person ever. Working on yourself helps all aspect of your life not just relationships. I am amazed at my ability to cope. Amb is helping me too which he’s feeling very manly about and glad he can help.

  325.  #325ALA on March 23, 2013 at 8:59 am

    I feel ignored on the blog.

  326.  #326Smile on March 23, 2013 at 9:01 am

    Amb said thank you for letting him be in charge of organising the trip. I smiled and thought yes, I’m in feminine mode!
    I’m VERY aware of being in boy mode at the minute because I have to and I’m being feminine EVERY opportunity I get. I’m only being in boy mode to get stuff done for myself he can’t help me with. Awareness is key.

  327.  #327Smile on March 23, 2013 at 9:02 am

    ((ALA)) do you need advice or just looking for a friendly hi! Anything I can help with?

  328.  #328ALA on March 23, 2013 at 9:12 am

    Thanks, ((( Smile ))) I feel smiley you heard me.

    I’m just feeling uncertain what to do about the phone call with ZenCD. He seems okay. I’m feeling cautious if he gets weird tho.

  329.  #329Syrena on March 23, 2013 at 9:18 am

    “You need to simply feel powerful enough to be able to say “No” no matter what.

    This isn’t about sex – you can have sex with a man whenever you want and it’ll make no difference to the relationship.

    This is about YOUR confidence, what you want, and your FEAR of your lack of confidence and displeasing a man.”

    Ahhh an aha moment I get this now. Connection made.
    This goes deeper than the sex. It’s about fear in general about displeasing someone.

    I want to explore this.
    Even if I am polite and say no TY. I don’t want to do that, the pattern with me is that the other person will not accept that no TY and try and convince coerce, cojole etc want to know why to try and get what they want and get me to change my mind.

    And if I still say no will resort to getting angry at me, making threats or forcing me to do what they want. Believing I am being unreasonable.

    And in the past have been called names such as awkward, difficult, obstinate.

    I am expected to be sweet natured easy and compliant even if I don’t want to do something and am accused of being selfish and naughty non compliant if I do not do it.
    Treated like a child.

    Is this a control issue?
    As children I am able to see that if children do not comply that classrooms etc are unworkable as the alternative would be a free for all and chaos.
    As children we are taught to comply, do as we are told be agreeable, not argue. etc etc. And I suppose in the workplace pretty much the same.

    I am not a child though. I am an adult.

    Any thoughts?

  330.  #330Smile on March 23, 2013 at 9:19 am

    🙂 I understand a need to feel cautious and protective over giving out your phone number. I was happy to share my mobile number with CDs but not my land line, it was much easier to communicate than email. f he calls you he won’t be using up your minutes will he?

  331.  #331Smile on March 23, 2013 at 9:21 am

    ALA why would he get weird? Has this been your experience with guys?

  332.  #332Syrena on March 23, 2013 at 9:22 am

    ALA. What is the problem with the phone?

  333.  #333Indigo on March 23, 2013 at 9:22 am


    Do you want to talk to him on the phone?

  334.  #334Syrena on March 23, 2013 at 9:25 am

    How would you like to communicate with him ALA?

    Landline? Mobile? E mail.

    What feels best to you?
    What do you want?

    What is your fear?
    What does your gut tell you?

  335.  #335Syrena on March 23, 2013 at 9:27 am

    Trust starts with us trusting in our fear anxiety and gut.

  336.  #336Syrena on March 23, 2013 at 9:28 am

    They are there to protect you.

  337.  #337ALA on March 23, 2013 at 9:29 am

    I only have 35 mins left on my cell and wont have the cash until next week to buy more time. Hearing his voice would be great and I can get a better idea about his vibe. I’m not really trusting my own judgement right now. Was asking here to see if I’m being rational. I feel kinda bonkers, emotionally.

  338.  #338ALA on March 23, 2013 at 9:31 am

    Yes, I’ve had a few contacts from weirdos online.

  339.  #339Linda on March 23, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Ala; this may be incentive to keep the call short, not in a rude way. But long conversations dont get you dates.
    The goal should be a face to face, no?

  340.  #340Syrena on March 23, 2013 at 9:36 am

    Ah ok I understand now.

    If he rings you how is your credit a problem?

    If he rings you and you decide he is not for you harrases you etc. What are your options for bloccking him then?

    Which is easier to put blocks on landline or mobile?

    What do you think is the best option?

    What action did you take to stop the e mail contact to the men who felt weird to you?

  341.  #341Syrena on March 23, 2013 at 9:38 am

    Iinda it appears that for ALA she is wanting to find out before she meets them if their behavior feels weird to her. So doesn’t then have to waste her time in RL.

    Could have that wrong though is that the case ALA?

  342.  #342Linda on March 23, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Syrena; i have had similar experience. Once a guy i had a first dinner with insisted I go to his house for dessert. I was calm and said I don’t feel comfortable going to your house just yet. He demanded over and over and would not accept my response, wanting a timeline. It made the rest of the dinner very uncomfortable for me and we couldn’t reconnect.

    Another guy I met online flew to NY from South Dakota to meet me! He was great, charming, a winning personality. Yet he pressured me to go back to his hotel, which I didn’t.
    A few months later he came back and insisted again.

    Then he rejected me because he said he “needs” physical attention, etc . Somehow both these guys just could not, would not accept my “no” and “i dont like being pressured”

    Really turned me off,

  343.  #343Linda on March 23, 2013 at 9:46 am

    I never give my home number. One guy looked me up and called my home instead of mycell. It felt creepy. Especially because Ihave kids

  344.  #344ALA on March 23, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Excellent ladies! Much thanks!

    Wasn’t sure if I was thinking clearly.

    I’ll keep it short. This feels fun to practice boundaries.

    Most times I’m good expessing my wants and dont wants with weird guys. Except one time pre-Rori I didn’t have any boundaries and things went way past my comfort level.

    This will be good practice in re-learning to trust *myself* also. 🙂

  345.  #345Syrena on March 23, 2013 at 9:49 am

    OMG linda, what does physical attention mean? sex?

    Wouldn’t that be dangerous? Going back to someones house you had met once? Or going back to strangers hotel room?

  346.  #346ALA on March 23, 2013 at 9:50 am

    I would like to meet him in person if things check out okay.

  347.  #347ALA on March 23, 2013 at 9:52 am

    Wow, Linda – That’s scary!

  348.  #348Syrena on March 23, 2013 at 9:53 am

    ALA one thing I have leaned to do that helps me. Write it out then re read it as an observer as if it were your daughter and see what advise you would give her.

  349.  #349Linda on March 23, 2013 at 9:54 am

    Dangerous, yes. My feelings exactly, even if a guy is sweet, has kids, etc.
    i always (probably neurotically) picture my deeds, chances I might take as a potential headline.

    In other words, I step back as if it wasnt me.


  350.  #350Syrena on March 23, 2013 at 10:06 am

    No man is entitled to have there physical needs met by another person.

    Buying someone dinner does not entitle someone to sex.

  351.  #351Femininewoman on March 23, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Tryingtodogood – totally inappropriate. Maybe you make him feel young and remind of the feelings of excitement he associates with a fling (adventure, the bad boy feeling in him that makes him feel invincible, unstoppable). e

  352.  #352Veronica on March 23, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Elsie #253 – that is a good point you made. Thank you for sharing what you’ve done. When you describe how scary it is and the emotions you went through you just seem so human, which is quite beautiful, no matter what the outcome would have been.
    Indigo – Ah thank you for responding and your kindness. I was a little worried that what I had posted was too negative. I believe I’m much better.
    Beloved #302 – Oh how gorgeous!!!!!!!
    ALA – Hugs to you.
    I’m loving how the women here are supportive of each other and turning their kindness to ALA so quickly. Lovely!

    I want to type more but have to eat dinner. Until later then.

  353.  #353Smile on March 23, 2013 at 10:23 am

    A lot of scary things can happen when with people you don’t know. Even meeting a guy on a date whether at his or not could potentially be dangerous. I learned this with a good friend. She is alive but got beaten up badly and raped for rejecting sexual advances. She wasn’t on a date she met him out one night.

    Always tell someone where you are. The first few times you meet make it during the day if possible And I would say avoid alcohol. until you start to get to know someone.

    Whilst there are a lot of crazy people out there the majority of men are not like this. I don’t want to live in fear around this so I just tale precautions to keep myself safe.

  354.  #354ALA on March 23, 2013 at 10:43 am

    Plan B… and will buy me more time and adds another level of precaution, will be to wait until he gives me his #, then I can tell him it feels better when a man calls, etc. before giving him mine.

  355.  #355ALA on March 23, 2013 at 10:47 am

    He still has no idea what I look like. Intrigues me that he is that open to not even care? A man not focused on the visual, more about who I am on the inside would be a treat! 🙂

  356.  #356Smile on March 23, 2013 at 10:48 am

    ALA, with most guys I found they offered their number without me asking, some I rejected and I only exchanged with the ones I felt comfortable with. I do feel it’s best to meet up early as possible. I believe it was Linda who suggested saying something along the lines of I enjoy living life off the page to get guys to meet up or call rather than exchange lengthy emails.

  357.  #357Smile on March 23, 2013 at 10:49 am

    ALA, I’m curious why you don’t have your picture up?

  358.  #358ALA on March 23, 2013 at 10:52 am

    I’m paranoid. heh

  359.  #359Smile on March 23, 2013 at 10:54 am

    ALA, beauty is within, focus on your vibe and it will radiate out of you 🙂

  360.  #360Smile on March 23, 2013 at 10:59 am

    I just read that people’s health declines if they live alone 🙁 this makes me so sad.
    I live alone but I dont feel alone at all!

  361.  #361ALA on March 23, 2013 at 11:07 am

    Love all the encouraging words.

    I forgot to mention to ZenCD that I’m okay with meeting him. Just said it feels better to connect through voice than through text. Gah,

  362.  #362Dominique on March 23, 2013 at 11:16 am

    Indigo – 308 – There is no there to get to. It’s all a process, a journey, one we all continue to travel (hopefully) for all of our days. It DOES get easier though, even when tough feeling stuff arises. It does get to feeling increasingly calm and peaceful.

    I would love to work with you.


  363.  #363Liquid Light on March 23, 2013 at 11:52 am


    Sounds like my last relationship. I often felt coerced and manipulated into doing what he wanted. I started resenting it, and starting pulling away. When he realized he couldn’t coerce and manipulate me anymore, he dropped me. Sigh.

    Don’t get me wrong, it sounds like I was absolute doormat, spineless woman that took bad treatment from him. There was also tons of great stuff though- lots of laughing, trips to fun places, dinners at great restaurants, hiking, and skiing etc. All that stuff is not easy to walk away from so I was a bit torn. Of course, its all over now but at the time, it was a mixture of very high highs and some lows, and kinda hard to sort out. We saw a ton of each other so it was difficult at the time to get perspective. Now I have all the time in the world….hahahahaha!~

  364.  #364Elsie on March 23, 2013 at 11:54 am

    @nme008 – YAY – I feel so honored that you would buy those based on my recommendation.

    For the record Queens Code is a bit cheesy in the narrative form but if you can get past that – the information is HANDS DOWN FANTASTIC. I love it and reread it often.

    @Beloved – I’m so glad that Queens Code spoke to you too!!! 🙂

    @FW – I cant agree more. Seriously, I cant. Its impossible to agree with you more haha. You have to tell the truth, even if you are shaking and crying whne you do it – because without that – then you dont know where you are – where you stand, or whats going on.

    @Memulo – the man you describe seems toxic to me. Sweetie I seriously think you did great, and he left because he wasnt ready to be with something REAL like you. 🙂

    @Linda – wow. Thats crazy that they just were upset that you didnt want to be with them for sex. I tell you the RIGHT man will wait on your time line. TRUST ME ON THIS. Ive had men wait YEARS for me, yes that is not a typo.

    @Syrena – I totally do that. I think – what would I tell my child to do in this siutaiton – or a good friend? That helps me get perspective completely!!!!

    @Veronica – it makes me feel really good that you could really see how vulnerable I was not only in the moment, but even typing it on here. But the point was that I was SO INCREDIBLY naked with my emotions and so unbelievably vulnerable….and I just decided if what I need doesnt show up for me, then at least I KNOW and I dont have to wonder, and then I can make a healthy decision for myself. 🙂

  365.  #365Liquid Light on March 23, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    Unfortunately, its not that hard to track someone down. I had a stalker situation and I was totally shocked and dismayed that he tracked down my email address. It was so creepy to get an email from this person that I told to leave me alone and that I didn’t want to see him again. The only way his harrassment ended was when I threatened to go to the police. (I had looked him up by calling the county court and found out he had a criminal record and was on probation for domestic violence.) So if I had gone to the police, he would have ended up in jail. So that stopped the nightmare for me.

    If you have any inclination that a man might be “off” or obsessive or stalkerish, trust your gut and do not get involved with this person. Never give out your phone, address etc until you are sure. If your gut gives you an uneasy feeling you are probably right and you never want to get involved with someone like that. It’s horrible. Btw, I knew this man for only two weeks when all of this went down and something felt off to me, and I checked him out. This all can happen very quickly.

  366.  #366Elsie on March 23, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    @Liquid Light – Man, I know your pain. The good times just seem to resonate so strongly that you will do almost anything to get them back. I truly understand your pain. And I might be there again someday. But I just know that you have to do what you need to do and I love Rori Rayes tool of putting down the oars, and not having to row the boat to the shore of committment. Just set the oars down and see what happens. If he doesnt pick them up, you will find someone who does.

  367.  #367Elsie on March 23, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    OK – so today is a blah day for me. I had such an amazing week – FULL of emotional highs and so rich with connection. But I feel a little needy right now. Although our schedules wont allow it – I really miss him. I am so excited about our connection and want to experience his love and that connectedness again, and I’m not sure when it will happen (I’m sure in the next week, at least I hope, but I’m not sure when.)

    I am started to crave that feeling because its been so long since I’ve had it. I am distracting myself today since my children are not with me today, and so I’m working around the house, etc. but being alone is quiet haha – and so I’m sort of thinking about him and us, and wishing….

    I dont know. Does this feel needy? Maybe. I just want to be with him. My oxytocin levels are through the roof LOL…..and I need another fix of it. haha!

    Anyway – back to cleaning, but just wanted to share….

  368.  #368Liquid Light on March 23, 2013 at 12:16 pm


    I’m not following you. I didn’t pick up the oars nor do I plan to nor do I want him back 😉 #confused

  369.  #369Elsie on March 23, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    @Liquid LIght – Sorry!!! I must have misunderstood – scrap what I said then LOL I am confused. (Happens often.)

  370.  #370Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    I’m talking to guys on match and they’re nice and sound interested but there’s no real connection. I guess will continue doing that. Btw, they don’t sound like players.

  371.  #371Syrena on March 23, 2013 at 1:19 pm


    “Indigo – 308 – There is no there to get to. It’s all a process, a journey, one we all continue to travel (hopefully) for all of our days. It DOES get easier though, even when tough feeling stuff arises. It does get to feeling increasingly calm and peaceful.

    I would love to work with you.


    I believe the there to get to is to heal from our wounds reconnecting with who we are in our core back to oneness. When we do this we we attract another who is at this place.

    Or sometimes we are on that journey together both healing at the same time. If they are stepping up and there hasn’t been a deal breaker.

    If there is a deal breaker we need to get out it didn’t work.

  372.  #372nme008 on March 23, 2013 at 1:23 pm


    I need to wayyy improve the way I communicate. I do it but just not the right way, so if these books helped you I’m all in lol. I actually would love some advice for tonight if anyone is around to give it 🙂 I’ll type it out in a minute though. Need to take sme pics of my daughter. Having a spa day w her friends for her bday now lol. a

  373.  #373Dominique on March 23, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Syrena – This is the journey. I don’t think anyone, not even the Dalai Lama, can honestly say they are fully healed and in full connection with their core which is pure love, what we were born as.

    This is the path most of us here are on, and when we work to heal, we continue to get closer and closer to our pure love, core selves the more we peel away our stuff, our armoring, our walls and barriers, erected as protection from hurt and trauma.

    So we do then attract another who is on a similar path, and you both continue on this journey together, hopefully facilitating each others journey.


  374.  #374Elsie on March 23, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    @Dominique – its like that saying – We are all perfect, and we could all use a little work. 🙂 I think the Dalai Lama said that. 🙂

    I can tell you the person I am with is on the EXACT same path as me. Exact. So – I hope we continue the journey together. I really do.

    At the same time, I miss him today. I’m feeling needy not in an panic way, just in a … hey I really enjoyed that feeling this week and I would love to have that today kind of way. There are NV’s that tell me that I made it all up in my head, but then I just smile and tell them they are silly.

  375.  #375Elsie on March 23, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    nme008 – I”d love to hear what you have going on tonight…… 🙂 type away!!!

  376.  #376Liquid Light on March 23, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    @wise 116

    You hit the nail on the head with your straight up post. Yes, the guy has no manners and no social graces, so he’s not worth spending much time on at all.

    I appreciate your straight forward and clear way of communicating. Frankly, that’s what we need more of here so I hope you stick around! 🙂

  377.  #377nme008 on March 23, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    Ok so a little back ground (hope I’m not repeating to much lol) M works some Saturday night’s at the bar we met at. It’s really close to my house (2min!) So although I don’t do bars a lot, when I do its there. Before I felt this separation the last month or do I would always go on the night’s he worked, and then he’d come over when he was done and wed that night and the next day together. He alwayskways knew I was going….basically cause we always talked about EVERYTHING before. Well now its a little different and I am hoing to that bar tonight with a huge group of friends, but he doesn’t know and I just am wondering how to play it when I get there. I hate not feeling as at ease as I always did with him before. And I want him to come over when he is done work but I don’t want to ask, I want him to say something. Mostly cause I don’t want to hear no if that’s his answer…hey I can be honest w myself.

  378.  #378Tereana on March 23, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    Hey, Emerson! (130) As usual, popping on and off the blog, so a little delayed reaction : )

    And I’m aware that I kind of went off on my own thing there. partly trying to distract myself ; ) But also because I could totally relate to what you were going through… xo!

  379.  #379Willow on March 23, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    UGH, it feels SO icky when a guy gets suggestive like that early on. If my guy said to me now we might not make it to our dinner date, that would feel good. But we’ve been together 3 years. But if you’ve just met me and you’re trying to make it obvious you want to nail me as soon as possible… ewww. I won’t return your phone calls. If you’re lucky, I might tell you in e-mail that I don’t feel good about future dates.

    I felt so happy when my guy didn’t want to have sex for the first couple of months we were dating. It made things really, really nice. I could be with him, enjoy him, no pressure, and *I* wasn’t the one to have to set the boundary. It didn’t transpire that way because we’re inexperienced or have weird hang-ups, but because we didn’t want a casual relationship. We were both looking for commitment and life partners and he didn’t want to bond sexually so soon with the wrong person. Neither did I. He almost invited me over on the third date. Almost. In such way I was flattered, but I also didn’t have to provide an answer because it wasn’t a question, so I didn’t. He led the relationship beautifully. Now he can be as suggestive and provocative as he wants 🙂

  380.  #380Tereana on March 23, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    P.S. Emerson – online is totally a good place to start. Although, I have to say that I haven’t been online dating in over a year, and I’ve had no lack of dates!

    OK Cupid was good practice. I found that most people who contacted me on there were not interested in anything “serious.” But it was fun to meet them, though, and I learned a lot about myself, and it built up some of my confidence.

    The Indian site has been a mixed bag, too.

    I can’t claim for it to be any particular site’s fault or the guys’ fault that they didn’t pursue anything serious with me. My best guess is that they might have actually wanted to. But in the end, either I wasn’t the one, or they could just tell from my vibe, that I wasn’t really “ready.” And sometimes I felt like I was, and sometimes I’ve felt like I wasn’t.

    I’m trying to be honest with myself about what I want. But that’s the hardest part. Because when I try to do that, I realize that I don’t have the slightest clue who I am. Or I do. But I have different aspects of myself that want different things, and that makes it very confusing, to not have a unified front, as it were. But that’s all my stuff…

    I’m starting to come to the realization that I might need some serious therapy. I’ve been skating by on “life” as therapy, and whatever free resources I can come by. And right now, I don’t have a job with health benefits that can cover something like that – never mind being able to pay for it myself.

    But I will, hopefully, pursue that, starting with the intention to do so… Meanwhile, internally, I am working on myself to address the different parts of me that need attention. And whatever I can give to them, I do. I try to ask them for what I need, and give them what they need – even if that’s a cookie 🙂

    Wow, I just realized this is a huge tangent that is all about me. I started to write to you about online dating… Haha, back on track ; )

    Match is a site that I haven’t tried, but I feel like I would trust it.

    A lot of ladies here seem to find a lot of men to practice and flirt with on plentyoffish, but that one creeps me out, so I don’t go there.

    Just like in a real-life situation, you want to pick a site where you think there will be guys that you actually want to talk to, and eventually meet in person. And from the stories that I’ve heard here, a lot of the guys on POF are on there to be flirty and pick up women, but not necessarily looking for anything more (i.e. a real life partner or relationship). They could be. But it seems like more of the needle in a haystack there.

    I would try OK Cupid, if they have people in your area. I was pleasantly surprised at how genuine many people were on that site. And at least it’s free, so you can try it out and leave any time…And remember, you DON’T have to talk to or meet with any guy you meet online that you don’t want to. It’s always your choice! Makes it more fun for you, and more fun for them ; )

    That’s my recommendation. But you can do whatever feels right to you 🙂


  381.  #381Smile on March 23, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    Tonight I’m thankful for my heating and my warm blanket.

  382.  #382Smile on March 23, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    I feel fun and flirty in my new holiday underwear!

  383.  #383Smile on March 23, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    My new phrase I use most of the time for melting on amb so he knows I want more of it is ‘I love… ‘ I also use ‘it feels…’ I like to mingle and mix up the two.

    I love being super descriptive, my body and mind feel heightened at my increased awareness I get from my senses. I am devouring smells, sounds and sights around me.

  384.  #384Smile on March 23, 2013 at 2:26 pm

    Saying the word mingle makes me feel silly and giddy.

  385.  #385Smile on March 23, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    Nme can you tell him your remembering how fun it used to feel when he came over after his shift? More planting the seed than asking. I noticed though that you said you would be scared to hear his answer so I might only say it if I didn’t have any expectations around it.

  386.  #386Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    I feel peaceful studying on a Saturday night;)

    I feel content not to agree to be with my cd. I feel scared and guilty at how quickly I am forgetting him. Am I the kind who only remembers the ones who hurt me.. I feel scared that all this time he liked me so much because he thought he could easily control me. I feel upset about the impression I am giving. Once he learned that deep down I am confident in what I want he left me immediately. Am I a magnet for guys who think they will have their way easily with me.. scary thought.

  387.  #387Liquid Light on March 23, 2013 at 2:33 pm


    thanks for sharing your experience. very cool that he didn’t pressure you in the beginning and that you waited a couple months. I usually can’t get passed one month but would love to wait for two months! Honestly, I have a hard time imagining that (unless its long distance or something.) What about others here? How long do you wait? I know its none of my business but we’re all anonymous so thought I’d throw it out there 😉

    Congratulations on your 3 years together, Willow! Very inspiring!

  388.  #388Smile on March 23, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    Memulo, ‘I feel guilty at How quickly I am forgetting him’… I see this as having your focus on you 🙂

  389.  #389Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 2:37 pm

    Smile, I wish!!

    I got my focus on dumbcd unfortunately 😉

  390.  #390Smile on March 23, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    Liquid light, I waited 1 month With amb although he was suggestive before this he was sweet caring and more than happy to wait till I was ready. Whilst I was dating others I didn’t want to be sexual as exclusivity is important to me. With ex of two years I slept with him on the 2nd date, I was in a much different place then and had very few expectations, I wasn’t looking for a relationship so didn’t mind if it went either way. As it happened we had a great 2 year relationship.

  391.  #391Willow on March 23, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    Thanks, Liquid Light.

    Sometimes it got really frustrating, but it was clearly better that way. And we REALLY made up for lost time later on. 🙂 It feels so good that we’re still like teenagers after several years and after living together through the daily grind of life. I feel blessed.

  392.  #392Elsie on March 23, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    @nme008 – Ok I know you want him to pay attention to you – and I know you want him to come over after. Guys are going to do what they want to do. I know you dont want to hear no. I totally get that. But, he knows you want him over there. He isnt stupid. And I would just be warm and open and not fussy when you are there, but if it were me, I wouldnt lean in. I woudnt mention coming over later, etc. Thats just me….

  393.  #393Smile on March 23, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    Memulo, I love the image of imagining security guards marching into your mind to escort dumbed out when your thinking about him. That thought makes me giggle 🙂

  394.  #394Elsie on March 23, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    @Liquid Light – with my current person, I waited 15 months. Yes. You read that right. 15 months.

  395.  #395Smile on March 23, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    Smile, flirt, dance the night away! keep the focus in having a fun night out!

  396.  #396Elsie on March 23, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    ….and frankly, I could have waited until we were married and he would have been ok with that. THATS how I knew he was the guy for me – well, one of the reasons anyway – I NEVER felt an ounce of pressure from him, even though I knew how much he really wanted to and how much that would make him happy, and how much he needed that.

    But, I needed to focus on my needs. I knew that once I did that I would become VERY emotionally attached, given how I am etc. so it was a big deal, and he knew it and he never let it ONCE FALL FROM HIS LIPS….that he wanted me to change my mine. Never. Not even a hint. Ever. I love him for that.

  397.  #397Smile on March 23, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    I feel disconnected when I don’t hear from you.

  398.  #398Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    Smile, I like that image too!! It’s so funny.

  399.  #399Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    LL, I wait for as long as it feels safe to get closer. never happens before a month of actively dating (I. e. seeing each other twice a week at least). with my last relationship it was 2 months.

  400.  #400Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    Elsie, may I ask if you’re in your 30’s, 40’s?

  401.  #401Elsie on March 23, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    Memulo: Why didnt you say 20s? Do I not sound young and hip enough LOL …. just kidding…..later in my 30s. 🙂

  402.  #402ALA on March 23, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    I was going to say 20’s!… you sound hip and cool to me. 🙂

  403.  #403Liquid Light on March 23, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    You ladies are lucky! I am in my mid 40’s, and I can only say that for another couple months!!! Arghh!!! But I had a very cute, young (early 30’s) guy flirting me with last night so I guess I’ve still got something going on!

    I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do when I don’t have hot guys flirting with me anymore…and those days are probably rapidly approaching. Sadly I think my ego needs it so much that it will be very hard for me when that day comes. 🙁

  404.  #404Liquid Light on March 23, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    Shoot someone from online just got in touch with me and wants to get together. (We’ve been going back and forth for a while but for one reason or another it never worked out to get together with our schedules.)

    Says he wants me to “shoot him a text” and then he will call. I’m not sure…then he will have my phone number. Am I being too paranoid?

  405.  #405Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    Elsie, you sound very young, but you mentioned 2 kids and in this country people usually have kids in late 20’s or 30’s.

  406.  #406Elsie on March 23, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    @ALA – haha – thank you – most people think I”m in my early 30s and are surprised when they hear my age. 🙂 That makes me feel good…..but I could still use some botox lol…….who couldnt at my age? I just cant afford it…….I did just buy some wraps finally that I heard great things about – its called “It works” wraps…..we’ll see……lol

  407.  #407Elsie on March 23, 2013 at 4:23 pm

    @Liquid LIght – stuff like that freaks me out. Yah, I’m not sure about it. Cant you just email or decide to meet somewhere? I dont know – dont ask me – I”m totally paranoid too.

  408.  #408Liquid Light on March 23, 2013 at 4:23 pm

    @Willow 391 Happy for you! 🙂

  409.  #409Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    Elsie – no botox! please 😉 I am older than you, in my very early 40’s, but I look younger (I believe!) due to a healthy lifestyle and taking care of my skin since I was 18 lol. I am a living proof that lancome works;) My cd always told me that I have a perfect skin and he is a dr. I strongly believe that botox makes you look funny eventually and it happens sooner than you’d expect. Botox in your 30’s sounds like you need to do the exercise of looking in the mirror and saying I am pretty till you believe it. Seriously;)

  410.  #410Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 4:41 pm

    It feels scary how many guys you have to talk to in order to find the one you really connect with. They are all nice and it’s so easy to fall into a trap of an instant serious dating and ‘giving it a chance’ without the right feelings.

  411.  #411Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    plus I don’t know what happened to me in these past 2 weeks after the break up with my cd. I was doing pretty well and keeping reality in perspective re: dumbcd and now I am at square one again! Or close.. Do I really need another admirer on the side to help me forget? With the same result of not caring enough for him but staying there anyway, because I was incapable of caring for anyone else. Hope not!

  412.  #412ALA on March 23, 2013 at 4:49 pm

    “Shoot me a text” sounds too casual to me. I would feel turned off and like chasing a man.

    If it’s a mobile phone, I’m assuming it is because of “texting” there’s less chance he could find out your location, and ph # are easily blocked on them.

  413.  #413Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    ALA, don’t know, maybe where you live it can be a problem, but I just text or give them my number after I talked to them once or twice and they sound mentally healthy. For me it’s not a huge deal?

  414.  #414ALA on March 23, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    Memulo – I was trying to answer LL’s question about a guy wanting her to text him.

    … and it felt like I had put a ‘paranoia’ vibe on the blog with all my talk about phone calls with guys earlier. I want everyone to be safe, but not live through fear either.

  415.  #415Liquid Light on March 23, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    OK, thanks for the tips ladies!

    Memulo, if you are new to edating, here’s my bit of advice. Invest nothing, no time on the phone or on email or texting, before you actually meet them. Then you can tell if there is chemistry etc. there when you meet in person. Also, for a first time meeting, I recommend a short coffee date (hour max) then you don’t waste much time (if theres nothing there) and you can see each other again and spend more time if there’s something there.

    That’s just how I do it and I’ve been doing it for a while (off and on). That’s just what’s works for me….

  416.  #416ALA on March 23, 2013 at 5:17 pm

    Memulo – I try to find the qualities in men that I like and then on a closer look I find qualities that I dont like so much. And then weigh the good and not so good in my mind and if the not so good would be a certain deal-breaker in the future. A weeding out process.

    I know how you feel, my thoughts about D come in waves. I just did a total obsessive online stalking binge. It makes me feel bad and I cant help myself. Maybe if I do it enough for it to sink in how bad it makes me feel, I can stop doing that. I come to the blog and it makes me feel happy and peaceful. So I’m trying to do that more now.

    I’m also being mindful of how I’m feeling throughout the day. I shift around a lot from happy, sad, the whole gamut. Then try to notice what those feelings are telling me on a deeper level… where I need healing.

  417.  #417ALA on March 23, 2013 at 5:22 pm

    Oh, and it’s pretty important to keep your own life the priority for what you focus on. CDing is just the icing on the cake.

  418.  #418ALA on March 23, 2013 at 6:05 pm

    weird observation…Zen said “Hi hun” in his last email. The first time I read it I felt happy and smiley, I think because I was waiting and expecting a reply for a few hours. Just now when I went to reply back to him “Hi hun” felt kinda ick and being too forward. What’s this telling me? I feel scared, he’s going to push my boundaries. Will I be able to communicate my dont wants to him without pushing him away? Babysteps, ALA.. it’s okay, breathe. Be surprised.

  419.  #419ALA on March 23, 2013 at 6:41 pm

    Whew, it was scary, but I told him I felt uncomfortable with him calling me “hun”. I feel much better now. Tingling, light, finding my power.

  420.  #420Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 6:54 pm

    LL, thank you. I am just new to match. Have done a lot of edating;)

  421.  #421Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 7:02 pm

    ALA, thank you. The problem is that it’s been half a year already. Pathetic. Maybe I need CDing to get me out of this hole. after all I only went on dates with a couple of people before I met my cd and I stayed with him for 4 full months. And he was very nice to me and serious about me, I could feel the difference compared to dumbcd. we had our problems, but they were honest personality mismatches. He was sincere with me and really tried to build something. It just did not work out. Dumbcd was never really sincere.

  422.  #422Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    I always keep my life a priority. Have too many responsibilities;) Happy at my job, studying for my test, exercising 5-6 times a week. I am disciplined.

  423.  #423Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 7:09 pm

    #419: Yay ALA. I know the feeling. once you start doing that it’s impossible to go back, really. You start noticing little things that don’t feel right and you just refuse to take them anymore. Happy journey! 🙂

  424.  #424Elsie on March 23, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    @Memulo – so you swear by Lancome???? ok – give me the sales pitch on it haha! I’m listening! And what do you mean face exercises????

    And I understand how you feel that you were doing great and then sometimes slip. Just FORGIVE yourself. You know dont beat yourself up for that – its just how you process things. If you stuff it all inside and try to ignore it it wont go away and you will feel worse……just forgive yourself and give yourself time.

  425.  #425Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    Elsie, I did not mean face excercise. I meant regular gym/swimming.

    I just use Lancome twice a day for years and somehow it works for me.

    Thank you, I feel that I need to be meeting many men and talk to them and stay grounded. I can make it happen.

  426.  #426Tulip on March 23, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    This all feels so relevant, I haven’t posted for ages!

    I have just slept with a man on our third date. I didn’t plan on it, he had been the perfect shy gentleman on dates 1 and 2 but on date 3 it was all on for him and to be honest I pretty much enjoyed it and it felt right at the time.
    But for me things have changed. I misinterpreted a text he sent me as him saying we were finished! He realised I had misunderstood and tried to put things right. I haven’t seen him face to face since that date and won’t for a week or two due to commitments mostly on his side, but he made it clear that he wants to continue and he said when he realised I’d left some jewellery at his he was thrilled as it meant he would see me again for sure! He was very sweet about it all and said if I got a text from him that was open to misunderstanding to please call him and talk to him!
    But I feel so off balance now. I want to talk to him a about this but don’t want him to think I am regretting sleeping with him …it was just too early!!
    I hate this feeling and I’m struggling at the moment with getting other dates which would take my focus off him….ugghhh!
    He said he’d call to day but he didn’t but I know he has visitors from abroad and he’s got a cold but I still feel bad and I know it’s because things have changed!!!

  427.  #427Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    I get so many winks or people make me their ‘favorite’ on match, I can hardly keep up with this. I decided to only answer emails if I am interested, it’s too much to check every wink.

  428.  #428Memulo on March 23, 2013 at 8:27 pm


    Are you sure things changed? Did they? You are both obviously care for each other, so be patient and give it some time;) He is still him, in love with you and you are still you. A week will fly by. He will miss you and will call you. Get out, spend time with friends, let yourself miss him;) It’s all good.

  429.  #429Turquoise on March 23, 2013 at 9:16 pm

    Hi Sirens. My mother started having seizures yesterday morning and was rushed to the hospital. Her heart stopped twice and she was without oxygen for st least a few minutes. She’s been unconscious since the paramedics arrived at her home early Friday morning, and is on a ventilator. They have cooled her body down for 24 hours, hoping to prevent further brain damage. They will do tests tomorrow, hopefully showing her brain function. It all feels quite hopeless and I am very scared. I’m not ready to lose my mother. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Yesterday was also my youngests 10th birthday. Such mixed emotions.

  430.  #430Daria on March 23, 2013 at 9:18 pm

    It’s been feeling intense. I feel relaxed off the handcuffs situation…

    Now I felt like happiness I had met a guy who liked me. But now I feel my soul betrayed. And I feel terrified and I feel flat-lined numb and at war.


  431.  #431Daria on March 23, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    This feels scary. I feel sad.

  432.  #432Daria on March 23, 2013 at 9:20 pm


  433.  #433Daria on March 23, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    Thank you Ladies for the love . I feel seen and supported here.

  434.  #434Daria on March 23, 2013 at 9:27 pm

    Daria I’m so sorry.

    I feel powerless.

    In here with u.

    I feel scared.

    I got you in my arms. U are safe to feel shock and nausea.

  435.  #435ALA on March 23, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    ((((((((((( Turquoise )))))))))))

  436.  #436Emerson on March 23, 2013 at 9:54 pm

    309 fw
    Wow thank you for writing all that to me… I feel cared for that you took the time to write all that for me. ((Fw))

    Yes I agree about saying my and mine, I want to be more mindful of that. I didn’t realize it.

    Also I understand life happens but I’ve also learned that I have a huge huge trigger with the “busy with work” excuse…

    Maybe it’s black and white thinking but I feel for the first meeting if the guy can’t call to confirm or call to cancel or actually keep the plans… Maybe they are not reedy or not that interested.

    Ive been pretty inflexible with this because its so triggering…
    I also may be over correcting due to my tendency to be too lenient and allow people to treat me like crap and not state my boundaries ….

    I want to comment more fw and continue this conversation but I am tired….

    Thank you again I really feel honored to have you with me on my journey ….

  437.  #437Daria on March 23, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    Wow ! I feel all smily already !

    I did some self care thought-changing tools…

    And now I got asked out by Sexy Neighbor..

    He says he can’t wait and cant stop thinking about me!

    He took me out last Weekend too…


    I feel excited !

    We haven’t kissed yet…,

  438.  #438Daria on March 23, 2013 at 10:42 pm

    Still feeling really let down with the guy I felt so close to last nite 🙁

  439.  #439Daria on March 23, 2013 at 10:44 pm

    I feel afraid. I’m seeing extreme scenarios to tighten up and protect and make sure they don’t happen.

    I feel angry and I’m sitting on it.

    I want to feel this

  440.  #440Indigo on March 23, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    Dominique 362

    When I think of “there” I think I am thinking of being over this particular hurdle I am climbing.

    Thank you so much 🙂 – I will definitely book some sessions with you as soon as possible.

  441.  #441Indigo on March 23, 2013 at 11:04 pm

    Liquid Light,

    I would love to say I have the self-control to wait a couple of months to have sex. The truth is my NV’s go into overdrive if he hasn’t tried after a certain, relatively short period of time. I think, doesn’t he want me? Doesn’t he find me sexy, attractive? Not good, I know.

    A friend of mine waited until her guy kissed her, which ended up being about 2 months or so, and now they are engaged.

    The truth is, I would really love to be ok with waiting and letting things unfold without feeling bad about it.

  442.  #442Femininewoman on March 24, 2013 at 3:31 am

    Wow Turquoise, I am praying for her. I wonder what’s up with seizures? I have heard about 2 to 3 in the news quite recently.

  443.  #443Femininewoman on March 24, 2013 at 3:33 am

    ALA thank you

    Emerson you are welcome.

  444.  #444BeLoved on March 24, 2013 at 3:49 am

    I feel loved.
    Yesterday I called T and left a message and didn’t think much of it.
    This morning I wake up to an email, saying he didn’t answer the phone because he was giving a presentation (that apparently I forgot about or didnt’ really digest when he told me) and that he wasn’t free to call back until after my regular bedtime, to call back if I still want to talk.

    I feel gratitude and appreciation for how often he does this, it feels so solid, so good.
    It feels like, relaxed belly and a wide open spaciousness around my torso and hips.

    It feels like smiles and yesses and pleasure and a giggle from my solar plexus and a feeling of satisfaction that almost makes me drool.

  445.  #445Memulo on March 24, 2013 at 4:26 am


  446.  #446Tam on March 24, 2013 at 5:02 am

    Hello Ladies!
    Just checking in.
    Oh Turquoise, I really hope all will turn out as best as it can in this situation!!!

    I feel a little torn these days. I told you on here the other day how happy I am finally not wanting/needing a relationship and how much easier it is actually focusing on my self during this time. I thought that maybe this shows a block I have / emotional unavailability , whatever.
    I thought about this and came to this conclusion:

    During the last year, and the dating experiences, and reading on here and also Dominique’s blog I started to question myself unduly. I truly made it all about me and for whatever went wrong, when I used to blame ‘the others’, I started to swing to the other extreme..questioning myself, looking at my issues, giving ‘benefit of doubt’ where perhaps it was not warranted. And got myself into little pickles, for example with MrP…a man who on all accounts and by testimonial from all his friends – has a plethora of problems and issues that wouldn’t be resolved by me concentrating on mine…all it did was prolong a fling that should have ended a long time ago.
    I decided to trust myself. I decided to trust my insecurity and not try to stamp it out by force. I decided to trust my intuition and not stamp it out on account of giving someone the ‘benefit of the doubt’ and so on. I am not saying that we shouldn’t all carry on on the part of healing, but I have changed my attitude. I believe I am healed and whole and whenever something is being thrown my way that seems to indicate otherwise, first and foremost I shall send love to myself and THEN wonder if it is something that needs addressing/working through.
    On no account will I EVER excuse someone’s bad behaviour by blaming MY issues…but rather I will step back and do what is best for me.
    I get it now.
    I get the ‘don’t get into a man’s head’.
    It is a total waste of time.
    I really want to feel my way through it. if I don’t like something, even if perhaps that is due to my insecurities, it is still how I feel. And that is valid.
    And if a man does not fit the bill, and does not want me with all my faults, then good riddance. I know for myself, that I can accept someone with ‘issues’ and problems if he respects me and commits and wants to make things work. So the same can work vice versa, nobody is perfect.

    So I am actually dating a nice man. Very early days and he is everything I did not want. Has 2 kids, still a lot of messy stuff with the ex and he is also religious and I am NOT at all. So I am not over-excited about this, but I am enjoying it as he treats me very well and is very respectful and nice towards me. I told him already about the fact that I am actually happy by myself and feel hesitant to date a man with kids as it has not worked out well in the future.
    So he knows the full facts..and I haven’t even started on religion yet. he he. Well, Curly was a church goer and that worked out ok, but this one is very much involved with church and really into it all – and it’s something I would find pretty difficult to deal with…as a lot of things he believes in I simply don’t.
    But I am not future thinking here because it’s the old case of ‘I am not really attracted by him’.
    This also makes me wonder.
    I am just not attracted to men anymore in the way I was. I have kind of lost the excitement..and I think this is perhaps a good thing in many ways.
    Rant over 🙂

  447.  #447Tam on March 24, 2013 at 5:04 am

    ‘has not worked out well in the past’..

  448.  #448Tam on March 24, 2013 at 5:05 am

    I think it boils down to the fact that I am in a good place in my head, and have been for some weeks. And I am not having that sabotaged by either a man or myself anymore.

  449.  #449Emerson on March 24, 2013 at 5:20 am

    Tam that is very interesting I feel curious how things will turn out with this guy…
    You sound good.
    I’ve been dating alot and I’m feeling kind of over it. Everyone seems to have so many issues and its exhausting.
    I feel tired by it all.

  450.  #450Veronica on March 24, 2013 at 5:30 am

    I felt really conflicted after dinner last night. There was so much negativity in me – I was feeling like my life was going nowhere, that maybe I’m being possessive of him, that we have nothing in terms of prospects to offer each other. It was horrible and I couldn’t sleep properly. Also there was this deep need in me for more of me. I felt like I had to type it like this, like a mantra of sorts:

    I want there to be more of me
    I want there to be more of me
    I want there to be more of me
    I want there to be more of me
    I want there to be more of me
    I want there to be more of me
    I want there to be more of me
    I want there to be more of me
    I want there to be more of me
    I want there to be more of me
    This actually felt really good to say to myself over and over.

    Then this morning I felt this strong resolve to just live – live my own life, that my strength would be there. That felt really good. And I actually went out of the house today and although I’m not living in the way I would like to live, I was determined that it would be about my experience and what I notice. I can see my attention so directed towards how people are interacting with me. And then I notice my reaction – I feel like I’m learning everywhere I go. I love having that kind of focus on things. I have so much more to learn and practice. This is so exciting.
    And later I was beginning to wonder if it really was a sign of me not having loved him that much if I get so quickly into my life – really living it. I don’t mean finding people to date. It’s more like a feeling that I want my life to happen for me. There is so much I want to do for myself and then I get caught in this. Wow this is so weird – I’m having déjà vu: I dreamt about a month ago that I would be typing these exact words in the above sentence. Exact words and exact feelings. Scary! Now if only I could do that with lottery numbers : )

    I’m so glad this blog exists.

  451.  #451Tam on March 24, 2013 at 5:36 am

    449, Emerson, that’s the point where I got to too. I honestly am so much happier doing nice things for and with me, rather than what felt to me like wasting time either answering messages, meeting or even crafting out feeling messages to men that weren’t going to change/work with me/ interested in me. Meh.
    Life is much better for me not doing that.
    And I still meet men. I am not closed off.
    I am just not searching to fill something.
    I filled it myself in the meantime 🙂

  452.  #452BeLoved on March 24, 2013 at 6:22 am

    I am noticing, with a feeling of excitement and wonder, just how amazing using feeling messages and Rori’s suggestions really are.

    After I told T the other day, “My heart is feeling heavier and heavier hearing this. I’m starting to feel triggered, I can’t talk to you about this,” I riffed about it and puzzle pieces started falling into place.

    I have had textbook Borderline Personality Disorder – one of the classic symptoms is “flipping”, from idealization to devaluation in the blink of an eye. Going from charming love goddess to evil ragebeast in literally a heartbeat.

    In focusing on me and my feelings, and communicating that, I caught the edge of a ‘flip’. I can almost see it frame by frame. What I noticed was that I was right on the edge of dissociating – and instead I stopped short, close enough to the edge to SEE it… I can see the internal split – where *I* judge *me* so harshly for *judging* that it creates two “me’s”, the discomfort of saying anything ‘impolite’ or ‘not nice’ or even ‘mushy’ or ‘idealistic’, anything is sometimes so intolerable that I would separate myself from it and seem to be two different people – which explains to me why
    when I was raging, I could never remember love, and when I was loving, I could never remember rage. I felt like 2 different people.

    I believe a lot of people struggle with this, with duality – it just happened to be intensely pronounced in me for whatever reasons.

    I noticed that every single supplement I have purchased for myself recently, is exactly right, exactly what I need, is perfect for me for reasons I don’t even realize until I look them up on the internet *after* I’ve purchased them. I used to have a CABINET full of bottles, literally over a $1,000 in pills – I kept trying to fix what was wrong with me. This feels different, it feels so wise and so right and so…WOW! I’m buying exactly what I need.

    I’m also feeling boggled by the possibility that what I believed has been herpes outbreaks all over my sacrum for several years, is possibly Dermatitis Herpetiformis from gluten intolerance/celiac disease.

    loveloveloveloveloveLOVE life right now!
    How does it get any better than THIS??? 😀

  453.  #453BeLoved on March 24, 2013 at 6:23 am

    I am noticing, with a feeling of excitement and wonder, just how amazing using feeling messages and Rori’s suggestions really are.

    After I told T the other day, “My heart is feeling heavier and heavier hearing this. I’m starting to feel triggered, I can’t talk to you about this,” I riffed about it and puzzle pieces started falling into place.

    I have had textbook Borderline Personality Disorder – one of the classic symptoms is “flipping”, from idealization to devaluation in the blink of an eye. Going from charming love goddess to ev!l ragebeast in literally a heartbeat.

    In focusing on me and my feelings, and communicating that, I caught the edge of a ‘flip’. I can almost see it frame by frame. What I noticed was that I was right on the edge of dissociating – and instead I stopped short, close enough to the edge to SEE it… I can see the internal split – where *I* judge *me* so harshly for *judging* that it creates two “me’s”, the discomfort of saying anything ‘impolite’ or ‘not nice’ or even ‘mushy’ or ‘idealistic’, anything is sometimes so intolerable that I would separate myself from it and seem to be two different people – which explains to me why
    when I was raging, I could never remember love, and when I was loving, I could never remember rage. I felt like 2 different people.

    I believe a lot of people struggle with this, with duality – it just happened to be intensely pronounced in me for whatever reasons.

    I noticed that every single supplement I have purchased for myself recently, is exactly right, exactly what I need, is perfect for me for reasons I don’t even realize until I look them up on the internet *after* I’ve purchased them. I used to have a CABINET full of bottles, literally over a $1,000 in pills – I kept trying to fix what was wrong with me. This feels different, it feels so wise and so right and so…WOW! I’m buying exactly what I need.

    I’m also feeling boggled by the possibility that what I believed has been herpes outbreaks all over my sacrum for several years, is possibly Dermatitis Herpetiformis from gluten intolerance/celiac disease.

    loveloveloveloveloveLOVE life right now!
    How does it get any better than THIS???

  454.  #454Luzydel on March 24, 2013 at 7:32 am

    Captaincd is the man Rory describe here…

    I admit before RR’s tools I would have passed him by because I would want A man like “d” or “s” which are fixer uppers and my need to fix and control chased them. But This guy really likes me, does anything even when his time is limited to stop by and take me out. So many things to describe, but my now ability to be open and receive is helping as well.

    This man is capable of giving love, I feel it… 🙂

  455.  #455Elsie on March 24, 2013 at 7:40 am

    @Tulip – it sounds like he wants to see you. Time will always tell – you have to just give it time – and I know thats hard, but it will be ok – one way or another, just try to distract yourself during the meantime. And then when you are with him TELL him how you feel. If you feel it was too early….then it was….for you. Tell him. Remember you cant say the wrong thing to the right guy.

    @Turquoise – I”m so sorry about your mom. (((hugs))))

    @Daria – Wow….sweetie…..I’m so glad you are ok…..I dont know what happened, but its so scary to think about. Make sure you take care of you – and you seem like such an open soul and spirit, but remember that other people can be….well, not nice. So take care of yourself (((hugs)))

    @Indigo – Maybe, and this is just my opinion, that you feel like you need to have someone validate you through intimacy. You feel like someone wont show up for you and wont love you unless you feel that they need to have sex with you. But, (and again, I’m treading lightly here….) I think that you should have sex when its comfortable for YOU. For some people that is years, or even marriage. The right guy will wait. And frankly, you shouldnt take it personally if he isnt jumping in bed with you – frankly, that probably means he really respects you, and wants to take it slow because you are SPECIAL. And he is right, you are!

    @Tam – I LOVE YOUR POST … but you will be surprised why probably. 🙂 The person I am with (and you can read how well its being going lately in my previous posts) and I are COMPLETE opposites. My friend and I used to think that a guy had to look good “on paper.” Same values, same political views, same religion, same same same. But you know what???? The man I am with now and I are total opposites. I am very very very religious, and he is not…..at all. We have different political views. I am way emotional, he isnt. The other night, when we had a very intense emotional connection, and I was shaking and crying, I said, but WHY DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME…..and he said…..because of how you make me feel. That is exactly what he said. Now, at the end of the day, the rest of it can be worked around, because if you are in love, and really care about working on making sure someone elses feelings are important (he calls it “taking care of each other”) then you will be fine. So I dont know if this guy is right for you or not, but be willing to find out. I’m glad I did. 🙂

    @Beloved – Thank you for sharing such an intimate detail about your personality disorder, that must be so challenging to live with. I cant imagine, and you are very strong and I’m very proud that you are working to make sure you notice when the switch is happening…..I just wanted to honor that.

  456.  #456nme008 on March 24, 2013 at 7:43 am


    Yes, I do want his attention….is that bad? Honestly asking. I don’t feel like I NEED it to survive or anything but I do WANT it. Anyway here is an update on my night….was pretty good. When I walked in I was with my brother and one girlfriend, M was at the door and as soon as he saw us he said hi and leaned over to kiss me. So normal and no hesitation, I like that, it makes me feel happy and relieved. I only talked to him for a minute then went and sat with my people. Through the night I went over and talked to M only a few times, I was there for about 3 1/2 hours. He did seem a little moody and I commented on it, he walked into issues as soon as he started and was just not happy with work. I asked if he had fun last night and he looked at me confused so I said “you wen’t out right? March madness w your friends” and he said no that that was 12-5, he didn’t work yesterday and then he went home and crashed. He asked if I went out and I told him I just did some shopping w my mom then was home as well……it makes me a little sad that he was home and didn’t try and see or reach out to me. I know if I reached out he would have responded but I want him to reach out. When I left I went to say bye to him and he kissed me again, he started to say something about his frustraiting night again and caught himself (he doesn’t like complaining) so I hugged him tight and gave him another kiss…..I hate seeing him unhappy. I said nothing about him coming over…honestly though when I got home I was going to text him and say “are you coming here or going home? Forgot to ask before I left” but I literally passed out w my phone next to me the second I hit the bed, I was so tired. Probably good thing….but I can’t help but feel sad that he isn’t here now. He doesn’t get home till almost 5am on the saturday nights he works and I know he will sleep till around 2 or 3 today…I miss him and wish he was sleeping here in my bed now. ;( can’t help but feel like we completely missed out on any us time this weekend. I MISS HIM!!!! I want to communitcate this time him. I know guys and girls see time differently but we haven’t spent time together in 2 weeks now and I don’t see it changing soon. He’s not big on doing anything during the week on work nights and I have my kids next weekend. Feeling sad, confused, frustraited….not so happy.

  457.  #457Elsie on March 24, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Just a quick thing about me. Yesterday he and I were texting and then after he asked me for help with something, I gave him some help on a project for him and his kiddos. And then I heard silence, he had gotten frustrated because it wasnt working.

    And I decided not to take his silence personally. Part of the Four Agreements (great book) is to not take ANYTHING personally. I was like, I have no idea why he isnt texting me, maybe he is working on his project. Maybe he is frustrated with the project. But I didnt do anything wrong, so I’m not going to worry about it – and I didnt.

    A couple of hours later he texted me #Project Fail….LOL…..

    The only reason he wasnt texting me was because he was involved in this huge childrens project. LOL. Now imagine if I had created a huge backstory about how he was upset with me, etc. LOL.

    I’ve learned so much, and I feel so much healthier.

    But after this last week, I have to be honest. I really miss the closeness with him, and I am not sure when we will be together again, and I just am craving that….

    He has already texted me today a couple of times. I love that….but just miss the actual closeness…..I’m greedy haha! 🙂

  458.  #458nme008 on March 24, 2013 at 7:52 am

    This is hard for me to explain cause I don’t feel like I fully get how I’m feeling….I feel like M and I are on the same page about being committed to eachother, or exculsive, whichever. I do feel like he cares about me but I don’t feel like …. ummm, I don’t know. I mean he obviously doesn’t miss me enough to make a bigger effort to see me more. Or doesn’t think it’s a big deal this laps in us time. I don’t know, I feel like I’m not making any sense. But to clarify, I am happy with me, I just feel….dissattisfied with my and M’s relationship. I want more. More of his time and attention.

  459.  #459Tam on March 24, 2013 at 7:54 am

    Elsie, I found your post interesting and uplifting. Because my experience has been that when the values are not similar in a relationship, it is doomed to fail sooner or later. Perhaps that was a limiting belief. Thanks!

  460.  #460nme008 on March 24, 2013 at 8:00 am

    I feel like we don’t see eachother as much or do as much cause I’ve stopped inishiating it….I stopped cause I felt pushy and wanted to feel like he wanted to see me….but that’s not happening. Is it cause I’ve broke from the norm and he doesn’t understand why? How do I talk about all this crap in my head with him and sound sane!

  461.  #461nme008 on March 24, 2013 at 8:03 am


    I’ve totally done that before. Freaked out for no reason cause I did nothing wrong but he was silent….then it was he actually left his phone at the food store when he was paying and had to back track his steps all day to find it. I was a mess thinking I did something for no reason. lol. Live and learn.

  462.  #462Tam on March 24, 2013 at 8:04 am

    Curly has been texting me after almost 3 weeks of silence. He kind of apologized for the misunderstanding we had.
    They always come back, eh?

  463.  #463Elsie on March 24, 2013 at 8:08 am

    @nme008 – Ok – first you are doing great!!! I think its good you didnt text him. I think that men do what they want to do and are where they want to be, and you CANT find that out if you keep asking them over, etc. etc……so good for you! Also, I want to say this – I know you feel bad that he feels bad, but pull out your feminine energy – its not your JOB to make him feel better. Its not your JOB to fix him. He will start to feel icky and resentful if you do. That was one of the hardest things for me to learn, and its still not my default position and I have to work at it because I really want to help, but you have to set down the oars…..LOL. Its nice that he kissed you, and its good. Its probably all good. And the fact that he could have called to hang out with you and didnt doesnt mean ANYTHING….at all.

    My biggest rule I’ve learned is this: From Queens Code: Men always have a reason for what they do. If you believe that – then even if you dont know the reason at the time, if you trust a man, then just trust him and his reasons. Maybe you will find them out and maybe you wont, but trust that he has his reasons. He might really JUST be tired….or need alone time.

    I HIGHLY RECOMMEND everyone in the world take the Myers Briggs test LOL – for example, I am ENFJ – totally outgoing, emotional, etc. The person I am with is the exact opposite – ISTP – he NEEDS alone time. I dont get it. I seriously dont. But he needs it and a LOT of it ugh…..lol…..and that rejuvinates him. So if he decides to watch a movie or just be on the internet instead of coming over, I DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY…..even though I still really wish he would come over and I really really want him over.

    Now, at some point nme008 – you will have to decide if what he gives you is enough for you. But it sounds like things are good and you just want more time with him. If thats the case, then find a good time to chat with him about it. And couch it in terms of – hey this is what I need and I do better when…..xxxx……

    @Tam – Thanks!!!! I always thought I would have to marry someone that actually BELIEVED in marriage. LOL. I thought I had to marry someone who was on the same page with me politically and religiously, etc. Wow – this guy could not be any different than me. And its not like we are just gushy in love…..he and I are just deciding that love is an action – love is a decision….as he tells me “I will never get tired of being with you – and we just have to work to take care of each other….” but thats the key word….WORK. If you have someone who wants to work with you – then the other stuff doesnt matter…..

  464.  #464Elsie on March 24, 2013 at 8:10 am

    Just for the record, when my negative voices pop up in my head and I freak out … remind me that I wrote all of this stuff to you guys…. LOL. Because I promise that my negative voices will come back at some point….LOL LOL…..I sound like I’ve got it together, but WOW….I dont. haha!

  465.  #465Heart on March 24, 2013 at 8:14 am

    Thanks Indigo, ALA & Smile for the input.

  466.  #466nme008 on March 24, 2013 at 8:20 am

    Elsie_ Thank you. I know M likes/needs his alone time too. I don’t get it or like it lol. I’m like you wishing he would spend his time with me. Do you ask your guy to come over ever or do you always wait on him to ask? And how do you do with calls and stuff? Wait on him all the time? I hate feeling like it’s a game “oh if I reach out he will think I’m to into him and push him away what to do what to do” If I want to talk to him I want to call …. uggg!!!!

    I feel really emotional right now. Don’t know why but I just want to cry. Well I know what I’m thinking about but I don’t know why I’m such a ball of mush today. I just want to feel like I did the first 2 months. That if M had free time he WANTED to spend it w me. That if I saw his car at home or at the bar I could stop by just to say hey and give him a kiss…I don’t like not feeling SURE.

  467.  #467Elsie on March 24, 2013 at 8:30 am

    nme008 – Ok. This is what I did. I had such a horrible relationship – marriage for a decade and a half….so this is what I did. I wanted to be SURE someone wanted to be with me. I gave TONS of space, even when I didnt want to. I didnt answer every text, I didnt run over, and I didnt push. I just didnt. I wanted to know that someone wanted to be with me, because they wanted to be with me, not because of my pressure, etc. It was SO HARD….so hard, but so worth it.

    Last fall, he sort of went to funkytown on me, and got in a funk. I totally thought it was over. But I let him be in a funk. I didnt pressure him one time. I just let him be. I said and I meant it – that if he wanted to take the exit ramp, he could. And that was when I asked him….can I kiss boys in bars? (that was our code for exclusive relatioship) and he said, I cant prevent you from doing anything. Wow, that wasnt the answer I wanted, but I took it and lived my life.

    Now, I GUARANTEE, if I had held on tight, and grabbed him by the ankles as he was walking away, and just nagged him, he would have never come back to me. He just needed time to figure stuff out. And I’m so glad I allowed that. For him and for me. But …

    to answer your question – yes, I wish he would spend time with me …

    He and I just had this conversation this week. I have never asked him to come over .. ever. I have never in a year and a half ever texted first I dont think. Maybe once or twice if I really needed somehting….

    So, this last week, I said I missed you in the past month, and he looked at me confused and said – WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME? I told him because I cant lean forward….I literally said these words “It feels icky to me to feel like I’m chasing you so I never have, and I want to know that you want to be here, and I wont know if I chase you….” But he set me straight and said that if I need more time with him or need something from him, that I need to let him know so that he can try to provide that for me.

    but this is after a year and a half of being together and also its something HE SAID, not me…..

    I understand you feel emotional right now…..I get that. I still feel emotional sometimes……And there are sometimes I just cry too…

    Wow – we sound a lot alike haha!!!!!

    What has worked for me is Rori Raye……set down the oars and stop rowing the relaitonship to the shore of committment. Thats his job. 🙂 Let him do it. 🙂

  468.  #468Elsie on March 24, 2013 at 8:38 am

    As a side note, I found this blog in July of last year. I lurked for several several months before ever writing. It was instrumental in me changing how I thought and acted. I didnt change who I was…..I just changed into a better emotionally healthier version of me.

    I’m still working though….and wow those negative voices get LOUD sometimes….really really loud.

  469.  #469Elsie on March 24, 2013 at 8:40 am

    @nme008 – I just thought of this for you. I HATE not feeling “sure” too. I hate it. But I read somewhere that said that NOTHING is sure. NOTHING. Noone, and nothing is “sure.” They can tell you that they will be with you forever and in a few months that can change. or they can act like they dont want to be with you and that can change.

    You have to get comfortable with the uncertainty. Instead of trying to make yourself figure out what is oging to happen, just try to get comfortable with being uncomfortable….

  470.  #470BeLoved on March 24, 2013 at 8:48 am


    Awww, Elsie, I feel soft reading your post, it feels good.
    I wouldn’t call it “my” personality disorder, though.
    It’s a personality disorder that I used to know 😀

    Since celiac/gluten intolerance is an autoimmune disease, I believe I can and will heal that as well. I learned a genetic marker gets activated and the general belief is that it can’t be turned off. People used to believe that BPD was nearly untreatable and incurable, too.

    I don’t know how my psyche heals itself so beautifully, I only know that it does and I am fulfilled!

    I don’t know how my body heals itself of this diseased, I only know it does and I am fulfilled.

    I don’t know how I have so much love in my life, I only know I do, and I am fulfilled.

    Yes yes

  471.  #471Dominique on March 24, 2013 at 9:10 am

    Elsie – 374 – I love that, have not heard it before. Thank you. 🙂


  472.  #472CurvySiren10 on March 24, 2013 at 9:11 am

    Turquoise, I’m so sorry about your mom and what you’re going through right now. Sending good wishes your way.

  473.  #473nme008 on March 24, 2013 at 9:16 am

    Elsie_I literally just put my face in my hands and cried after reading what you wrote. I know this is going to be soooo hard for me. I am so open and honest about my feelings and have been with M up until we had a fight 2 weeks ago when he told me I push him. Since then I’ve closed up so much around him….I’m uncomfortable. I don’t know how to be other then the way I’ve always been. And while the space I’ve been giving may be good I feel off. Like he and I are off balance somehow. I feel like I NEED to fix this. Can I also ask you if you have any kids? Only asking cause I have 3 and I have not introduced M to them yet, well not the older two. So he can’t really just come over, I have to let him know when they are here and not. So that messes with the never inviting him over thing. I also like normalacy (sp?) like we watch Walking Dead together, have since we started seeing each other. Well I now have 4 recorded (after today) because he hasn’t been over to watch them in awhile. I want him to just be here….every Sunday. No asking or planning just be here, no questions.

  474.  #474Indigo on March 24, 2013 at 9:21 am

    Awww Elsie 🙂

    Thank you for your post to me, that made me feel incredibly smiley 🙂

    And this is one of the things I am working on, a facet of it, thank you.

  475.  #475Dominique on March 24, 2013 at 9:25 am

    Indigo – 440 – Ahhh, I see, thank you for elaborating.


  476.  #476Dominique on March 24, 2013 at 9:25 am

    Turquoise – Sending you and your mom much love.


  477.  #477Rori Raye on March 24, 2013 at 9:52 am

    BeLoved – you ROCK!! Thank you SO much for this…I am so for gluten-free. I think EVERYONE would benefit from at least TRYING it – I’ve seen entire personalities and emotional “focus” change 180 degrees after stopping gluten and gluten-reactive foods. That and minimizing candida by giving up sugar and taking probiotics. Love Rori

  478.  #478Memulo on March 24, 2013 at 10:05 am

    Sirens, may I ask for your opinion. If say dumbcd knows I referred to our story as ‘I was with someone for a while but that didn’t work out, it stopped a couple of months ago. Now I am looking to fall in love – again.’ Does it sound to you as me being passively ‘reasonable’ and doing nothing about it except for still regretting?

  479.  #479Indigo on March 24, 2013 at 10:35 am


    Knowing how difficult it is to have a parent seriously unwell, I am sending you loving, calming, peaceful vibes. Hope your mom gets better.

  480.  #480Indigo on March 24, 2013 at 10:37 am


    I think you’re awesome and very strong.

  481.  #481Indigo on March 24, 2013 at 10:42 am

    Memulo 478

    I think anyone who heard you describe it that way could not do anything but respect you for it. Though I would really urge you not to give too much thought to what he thinks of it.

  482.  #482Elsie on March 24, 2013 at 11:05 am

    nme008 – ohhhh….sweetie. Ok – I just got the most AWESOME email in my inbox from Christian Carter…..it COMPLETELY answers your situation. If you havent started reading the Christian Carter book, I would do it.

    And frankly, I’m glad I can help a bit. 🙂 It is SOOOO hard, but at the end of the day, you want to be with someone who really wnats to be with you.

    I thought a month ago – something that my guy said – that he and I weren’t going to be together. And I cried, and I thought…..I will miss him. And I cried……but it all ended up ok. I need to trust him. And trust this process….and EVEN trust that I will be ok if we are not together.

    I’m really good cake on my own, he would just be the icing. 🙂 And yes, I do have children. It just so happens that they know him. It makes it easier. They do not know that we are together. They only know that he is a long time family friend sort of thing. If that makes sense? I have not ever told them yet that we are together, because of my situation etc.

    So – please find strength and lean back. Give him that space so that he can lean in. Give him the chance to be the man that he can be. Give yourself the chance to rest and stop rowing……

    Oh, I SO WISH I could send you this email from Christian Carter today…..you would benefit from it so much……

  483.  #483Elsie on March 24, 2013 at 11:12 am

    @Indigo – haha – I can tell you that there are many many many times I do not feel that way – but thank you!!!!

  484.  #484ALA on March 24, 2013 at 11:32 am

    I started taking supplements about a year and a half ago and feel so much better! Most times it’s difficult to come up with creative ideas to cook a meal for one person and dont always have the best eating habits. I think the vitamins are giving me the balanced nutrition on a daily basis that I’m not getting with food.

  485.  #485Memulo on March 24, 2013 at 11:49 am

    Thank you Indigo. I hate to be so ‘nice’ and ‘predictable’ though. Perhaps if I said I ran into a scumbag and will use a better judgement next time I’d feel better now;)

  486.  #486angela on March 24, 2013 at 11:55 am

    hello rori I read the post titled “Feel Good Naked”, and I identified with a comment someone made about having a few extra pounds and that being the reason why a man would not see her.
    I am a curvier woman.
    I find that at times I do not care what my weight is I go out feel sexy and comfortable in my skin and attractive I actually feel men are so attracted to me. Other times I say to myself who will want me? T
    That part is less strong because I know its just fear. Ok so the my question is because I know part of your philosophy is in believing we are beautiful and can attract so many men, what is the balance between believing you are so attractive but also knowing reality that you are a bigger girl?
    I hope this makes sense.
    Also if anyone else can clear this up for me it would be great.
    thank you!

  487.  #487Smile on March 24, 2013 at 12:03 pm


    I believe this might be the relevant CC email for you that Elsie wanted you to see 🙂

    What’s Going On With Men When They’re Distant Or Uninvolved

    Let me tell you a quick story…

    A man and a woman meet and they have an AMAZING connection from the start. She quickly falls for him, as he does for her, and they instantly grow close and start spending almost all of their time together. When they’re apart, most of the time they’re thinking about one another.

    A few weeks or months pass and things are going great… but as it happens in life, a few difficult situations come up in each other’s lives. Stress and tension starts to build, and as more issues and situations come up, the closeness, affection, and communication start to change.

    The woman begins to notice how the man has changed and tries to talk to him to bridge the gap and stay close. But what used to work to bring them together now only seems to make things worse as he pulls away when she wants to talk.

    And now she’s getting worried. She asks herself…

    “Why is he acting this way?”

    “What happened to what we had?”

    “Did his feelings for me change?”

    “Did I do something that pushed him away?”

    And…”Why doesn’t he seem to notice or care and do anything about it!?”

    The man just seems to want to pretend that everything is fine and ignore what’s happening. When he does talk, he’s short with his words and inexpressive… not sharing his thoughts or feelings about much at all. He seems “detached” somehow.

    And now she feels like if she didn’t do anything to keep the relationship going, that they’d simply drift apart and he wouldn’t do anything about it or even really care.

    Ok, end of story.

    This story is basically a collection of common situations and feelings that lots of women experience.

    Let’s Talk About It…

    The things going on in the story bring up an important idea – the ways in which men are “naturally” different from women when it comes to communicating and interacting in relationships.

    And sure, men are the same in lots of ways. They want love. They want respect. And they want to be heard.

    But, men are also very different:

    They’re different in how they think
    They’re different in how they feel
    They’re different in their beliefs about what makes for a “good relationship”
    And, they’re different in how they approach and try to “resolve” relationship issues. (Sometimes by not trying at all!)
    If you want to learn about what’s going on in the UNCERTAIN situations with men… and how to think and respond in POSITIVE, HEALTHY, CONSTRUCTIVE ways for the sake of growing and improving your long-term relationship…

    Then you need to take a deeper look at what men are REALLY thinking and feeling.

    Saying What You Mean Without Scaring Him Away

    You probably already know from experience that men will often tell you one thing about how they’re thinking or feeling… but actually think and feel another way.

    Frustrating, right!?

    And, you probably already know from experience that becoming frustrated or overly “emotional” with a man doesn’t often get you very far in becoming closer and growing together in your relationship.

    But, isn’t it important to share and express your true feelings in any “real” relationship? Absolutely. Which leads us to a frustrating PARADOX.

    How do you stay “true” to your own feelings and emotions… while ALSO communicating in a way that keeps you close and avoids the common male withdrawal response?

    Part of the secret here is to communicate with a man in a way that speaks HIS language and helps him have a better understanding of YOU.

    Some women end up analyzing themselves to death over every little thing that happens… what it means, what they should say, and how the guy is going to respond. The strange truth is that part of the problem here IS analyzing things too much… so, when they show up to talk to the man in their life, she overwhelms him.

    Give me a little nod if you’ve watched your friends do this… or you can relate in your own life.

    It’s time to stop worrying so much and start doing things that WORK to create the love life you know you can have. It’s time for it to finally be easy to communicate and share love with the man in your life in the long run. It’s time for CLARITY.

    Let’s talk about what’s going on here and turn what can seem impossible and complex into something SIMPLE and CLEAR.

    What You Need To Know About How Men Are Different

    Before we get to some real in-depth specifics about men and relationships here, there’s something important I want to share…

    I have a good friend who has taught me more in a few years than I would have learned living 20 years not knowing her.

    She’s one of the smartest and insightful people I’ve ever met when it comes to her unique understanding of human behavior and psychology… and how it relates to building long-term relationships in all areas of life. Including romantic relationships.

    I’ve learned a lot of what I know, or been led to, in one way or another, by her.

    Anyway… many years back she shared something with me. Something that has taken me years to come to know and understand for myself.

    (As you know, someone can tell you something again and again … but it can take you days, months or even years to come to understand and know what THEY mean by it. Or in other words, it often takes more time that we expect or would like it to, to raise our own level of CONSCIOUSNESS.)

    Let Me Share What She Said With You…

    She said that people who are able to build and keep close, fulfilling, trusting relationships in their lives through thick and thin share ONE BIG SECRET.

    That secret is –

    “First, seek to understand.”

    “Then, seek to be understood.”

    When I first heard this, it sounded like a “new-age” kind of thing. I thought I “got” what this meant and what it was all about.

    My mind quickly went to thinking about how much I already tried to understand others… and how what came from this wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. In my experience I had been a “giver”, and I often felt at the mercy of others because of it. ESPECIALLY in relationships. I bet you can relate.

    So, the idea of becoming MORE UNDERSTANDING and listening to others more, made me feel like things would just be less satisfying and more difficult in my relationships.

    As much as I could see the benefit of listening and understanding first, it just didn’t seem to work out so well in real life for me.

    Actually… the people who were a bit more “selfish” seemed to be the ones who more often got what they wanted and had it easy in life.

    The reality was that I wasn’t able to see that the world could work any differently from my perspective at the time. It was only after years of living, studying, observing, and learning from others and thinking about my life and the relationships in it that I started to see things differently.

    And One Day Something “Snapped” Into Place…

    I had an AMAZING EXPERIENCE as I was going back through an old journal of mine and came across what my friend had said about seeking to understand first. I hadn’t thought about this idea in a long time… and it hit me in different way now that I was in a different place in my life.

    To make a long story short, once you start down your own path of growth in your life and relationships… you’re going to find new meaning and depth in things that didn’t used to be so significant.

    And this means you’re becoming more AWARE and CONSCIOUS of the world around you – which is one of the first steps to creating amazing and lasting change.

    Of course, I’m talking about life more in general here… but the exact same principles apply to men, dating, and relationships.

    And, by the way, if you’re getting that anxious or frustrated feeling right now where giving a man more of your understanding is the last thing you want to do… then I’ve got some unfortunate news for you…

    YOU Are Creating Your Very Own RESISTANCE.

    That’s right. YOU are adding to the distance and lack of understanding that’s taking place.

    As much as a man might be wrong, acting distant or unfair, or hurting your feelings… if YOU are putting your energy into the negative patterns of fear, or doing the all too common “demand and withdraw” behaviors tons of women slip into in these situations…

    Then you’re only adding to the problems and creating more of the “disconnect” between you two.

    Ok, so what can you do instead!? Good question.

    First, seek to understand.

    So, Let’s Get How This Works…

    Let’s look at the ways men are different when it comes to relationships, and learn to understand more and put it to work for you…

    I promise everything with a man will instantly start to become clearer and easier once you do.

    Difference #1: With A Man, Improving Your Relationship Is Often As Easy As Improving “The Now”

    There’s a kind of relationship “shortcut” some women know about and others don’t. And women who know what it is and how it works often have the men they’re with feeling deeply connected… and ASKING THEM to become more committed… and share more love.

    But there’s a catch to this “trick.”

    YOU, as a woman, have to be in the right mental and emotional state to make these kinds of “breakthroughs” in your relationship and the way that you interact with a man.


    Because if you’re not, you’re going to do all kinds of things to sabotage yourself and get in the way of your own success here. You’ll start feeling needy or unappreciated and want the man to take over and make things happen for you.

    Don’t make this mistake and miss out on the love and connection that’s possible for you in your relationship.

    For more about the right mindset to have that will help make you both happy and more fulfilled together in your relationship, check out my eBook Catch Him & Keep Him.

    It’s the place to start if you’re serious about success in your love life. You can download your copy here and be reading it in just a few minutes from now:

    Read Now
    Get His Attention Again With This “Shortcut”

    So, here’s the shortcut you can use with any man at almost anytime. (I’ve seen this work with men who were so distant that I would have never believed it if I hadn’t seen it happen myself.)

    When a man is acting distant with a woman in a relationship, it’s often because he’s “off in his head” thinking about something else he needs to do or has to take care of.

    And, in case you didn’t know… for most men it’s so extremely important to be a strong successful “provider” with a woman, that the closer he is with a woman, the more his mind will try and turn to the outside world (work, etc.) in order to make sure he can protect and provide for her.

    For most men, whether or not they are an “attractive” person relies heavily on if he’s financially successful and has a high level of “social status.”

    Of course, a man isn’t often CONSCIOUS that he’s thinking or behaving this way. These things are part of our “inner biology.” They are “wired” deep in our brains and affect us on deep SUBCONSCIOUS levels.

    So, why am I telling you all of this? Because you can use it to your advantage and move straight past the detached, withdrawn, work-focused man. You can learn how to “invite” a man into love and affection with you.

    And here is where the shortcut comes in.

    See, as much as I hate to admit it, and you might already know this about men… well, we can be simple-minded. If we have a woman we are close with, like a girlfriend, the reality is that she has the power change our mood INSTANTLY. Especially if she triggers the feeling of ATTRACTION.

    Let Me Explain How This Works…

    When a man is detached, unemotional, etc., often it’s because his mind is focused on “things” and not on people or relationships. Things like sports, work, cars, or whatever hobby a man happens to be into. And, it’s this “focus” that often makes a man seem withdrawn, disinterested or inattentive.

    But, there IS something a woman can do to easily get him out of this “focus” mode to where a man will be more present, “connected” and emotionally responsive.

    A woman can help a man move his thinking and attention out of his “mind” and into his body. (Don’t worry, feelings and emotions will naturally follow… and if this isn’t making much sense right now, it will in a second.)

    It can start with a soft touch, a playful tap, or even just a smile. It doesn’t take much, other than attention and a little patience.

    What’s probably the easiest way to do this is to do what men naturally do to get out of their heads and into the present moment: they become more physical.

    Getting Into His Frame Of Mind

    Have you ever watched couples play-fight or wrestle?

    For lots of men this is the easiest way they know to become close and connected with a woman… as they aren’t even conscious what they’re doing. They just naturally become more affectionate and in tune with a woman than they could have ever figured out how to be by trying to talk to her about how this all works.

    Of course, if you watch a woman do this with a man and you don’t know what she’s up to… it can look like she’s just trying to get his attention in a physical and sexual way. And some women do this, too.

    But, if you’ve been reading my newsletters, read my eBook, or seen a few of my programs, then you’ve come to recognize that there is more than one type of ATTRACTION a man can feel and experience with a woman.

    There’s a type of attraction that goes BEYOND PHYSICAL ATTRACTION and gets a man’s attention on an emotional and intellectual level. This is the kind of attraction I’m talking about creating with a man… where he will move “out of his head” and become open and attentive in the present moment with you.

    Going Beyond The Physical Into Deep Connection

    Lots of women try to TALK with a man in order to get him to be present, loving, affection, etc. with them. But often times, this completely BACKFIRES.

    The reason why is because these women don’t know this “other” kind of attraction works for a man.

    Don’t make the mistake of thinking that attraction works the same way for you as it does for a man..

    Or that you can try and use Physical Attraction with a man to get an EMOTIONAL response.

    You need to learn how to get the EMOTIONAL response from a man that you’re looking for… without demanding it of him in a way that will only encourage him to WITHDRAW.

    Inviting a man out of his “focus,” or out of his “head”, is a simple first step.

    Difference #2: Instead Of Discussing, Exploring And FEELING The Problems In Your Relationship, A Man Will Often Want To “Starve” Them… Or Try To Give You The “Logical Solution” As His Way Of Making Things Better

    I’ve got to ask you something. Be honest when you answer:

    Do you think men, or more to the point, the men you’ve dated in your life, enjoy talking about their feelings and your relationship as much as you do? Or that they enjoy it much at all really?

    I’m guessing the answer is “no.”

    If so, then this is a vital piece of information for you in your relationship. But, what have you done with this knowledge?

    Have you tried to MAKE A MAN better at talking about his feelings in your relationship, and then become frustrated and upset when it hasn’t gone the way you had hoped?

    And, have you ever wanted to talk about something important in your relationship, and brought it up… and then he gave you a short “detached” answer or he became angry with you and started telling you what to do?

    Is this really the best approach? Think about this for a second…

    What if, without knowing it, you’ve been asking a man for the exact thing you DON’T want? What if, accidentally, the way you were communicating with him was telling him, in his own “language,” to STOP SHARING, to CLOSE OFF, and to be LESS EXPRESSIVE?

    Is this possible?

    Communicating Without Struggling

    What if there was another way to be with a man that would get you the result you wanted (him opening up to you more) AND… it made everything a whole lot easier for YOU?

    Think about it for a minute. How do men “typically” react when a woman comes to them with intense emotions and feelings and wants to talk about them?

    One of two things usually happens:

    He gives you a short answer that often seems cold and uninterested. Kind of like he isn’t paying attention to you and your FEELINGS.
    He gets anxious or irritated and instead of responding with caring and understanding, he seems angry. In effect, he starts telling you what to do and to stop bothering him.
    Both of these responses have something in common. Can you guess what it is?

    They both show how men tend to want to remove themselves from any situations they see or experience as unnecessarily intense or “emotional.”

    I’m not saying that this is a good thing or a bad thing, by the way. But, it is THE REALITY of how most men think and behave.

    Which leaves YOU with a choice. You can either learn to work WITH the way things are… or you can keep fighting A GAINST the way things are and continue the negative, self-defeating patterns in your love life.

    And here’s something else to think about:

    Given the two different ways that men often respond that I mentioned above, does a man reacting in one of these ways have to mean that he doesn’t care for a woman or her feelings?

    And, does a man reacting this way mean he doesn’t care about his relationship? In a man’s mind, the answer is NO.

    But, what do lots of women do when they are confronted with a man’s anxious or irritated response that comes from not knowing what to do with a woman’s feelings?

    Instead of trying a different approach, they simply take what is NOT working and dial up the intensity about 20 notches…


    Stop Making Your Life So Difficult For Yourself

    Becoming more intense and “emotionally demanding” with others rarely builds strong relationships or gets you what you want.

    There is a way to communicate and move to a more committed and “connected” place with a man that does NOT involve asking him to do so, trying to convince him to listen, or demanding that your relationship grow.

    If you’ve tried any of these things, then you know that they can just turn into an uphill battle… and trigger the DISTANCE and RESISTANCE you’re trying to avoid.

    These two differences I’ve shared with you here are just the beginning.

    If you want to learn what’s at the foundation of the differences, where they come from, and the most important and CRITICAL difference you need to know to move to a deeper level of connection and COMMITMENT with a man, then it’s time you checked out my From Casual To Committed program.

    If you’ve ever wondered why a man says he wants his “freedom”…

    And you know that he wants to love you and be loved…

    But he also wants to do things “on his own” first, before he settles down…

    Then this program is for you.

    I go into depth about how these contradictions are all part of a man’s growth process, what they mean, and exactly what to do as each one of these comes up in your relationship.

    A “Map” Of How The Commitment Process Works For A Man