If He’s With You, But Not “In Love” With You – What Do You Do?

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rollercoasterHere’s a great question from “confused”:

“Hi Rori. I have been living with my boyfriend for about 8 months. I am so in love with this man. He told me yesterday that he loves me, but is not in love with me. Do I stay with him? Or, do I owe it to myself to find someone who feels the same way about me?”

My Answer:

Confused – you owe yourself the decision to make choices that are at least aimed at making you happy.

How that will look is complex sometimes.

And this one depends a lot on how old you are, and what you want.

If what you want is to be passionately loved right now, and you don’t feel good being with a man who “says” he feels less for you than you feel for him – then I say get outta there, or ask him to leave – or just declare the two of you friends and start dating other men!

(I’ve seen this work well many times – but not so much if you’re really “in love” with him – way too hard on the cells of your body.)

On the other hand, he may not really know what he feels at all, he may be “tippable” – and my “Third Way” will WORK!

That means – go get yourself a life, raise your Degree Of Difficulty, get happy and involved in things beside him, stop pining after him, and learn some new skills in life, love and sex.

(Things like lectures, classes, acting class, pole dancing, ecstatic dance, church and temple, spiritual events and meditation centers. Meetup.com hikes and all kinds of charity walks. Film groups and restaurant and cooking groups and classes. Salsa dancing…)

Just because you live with him doesn’t mean you have to be available to him around the clock – or have to share everything with him.

Read as much as you can here, start with my Have The Relationship You Want ebook (in the sidebar) and practice all the Tools on him 24/7!

Let’s see what he does with that…

Love, Rori


  1.  #1GlowStix on March 11, 2013 at 8:19 am

    Feeling calm and level today. Nothing intense and feeling normal. I feel much gratitude for my life and everything it gives me…Pleasant and un-pleasant. Happy and sad and everything over, under and in-between. Oh, I do feel excited to go shopping for new carpet.

    Un-certainty is now the past and the present feels smooth and promising. Our relationship seems to have now come to a new level of familiarity and ease. I don’t feel “comfort” exactly…The nature of me doesn’t allow for constant feelings of comfort and i’m moving through that in a new and up-lifting way.

    The move is now under way and going smoothly and I feel free to feel excited : ) The man has been stepping up his game lately, big time and it feels good and also backwards like…Now that i’m in the bag one might think he would get cozy and let loose some slack, and no, he’s not. He’s even more focused on me, even more loving, giving, tender, doing so much for me. Even within his stresses he has let up on some previously existant pressure. I have, in the past months been speaking and communicating and expressing with newfound ease and some kind of energy that feels natural and always authentic and flowing no matter what i’m feeling. His moods are so level now. I’d say we are both different people.

    If I could pick the BEST thing I have “done” or said or felt at ease to express…It would be finally feeling free to share with him my process. I shared with him every part of it from sinking into feelings to how i’m learning to communicate and everything in between. I know that may feel scary to some…Yet, in harmony with this piece…I am totally agenda-less. In everything I say and do, and it shows. It was a HUGE weight off my shoulders. If this man is to be my partner for life, I needed to share “it all” with him. I needed to bare my soul to know I can share every particle of my existance with this man. It felt refreshing and honest and freeing. And when he accepted and understood, even if he didn’t “get it” I felt myself moving to a whole new level and it feels beautiful.

    So, here’s to honesty and sharing and baring our souls and being vulnerable and feeling and open and receptive and free. Here’s to expression! And a to a whole new chapter living with “this man i’m with”. ; )



  2.  #2GlowStix on March 11, 2013 at 8:19 am

    I’m on top of the world! ; )

    And loving it.

  3.  #3Femininewoman on March 11, 2013 at 8:21 am

    “way too hard on the cells of your body”

  4.  #4Mercedes on March 11, 2013 at 8:29 am

    GlowStix: I love, love, love this!!!!: “So, here’s to honesty and sharing and baring our souls and being vulnerable and feeling and open and receptive and free. Here’s to expression! And a to a whole new chapter living with “this man i’m with”. ; )”

    Rori: “you owe yourself the decision to make choices that are at least aimed at making you happy.” – Yes…at the very least…

    Much Love,

  5.  #5GlowStix on March 11, 2013 at 8:29 am

    That resonated with me too FW.


  6.  #6GlowStix on March 11, 2013 at 8:31 am

    Mercedes : ) thanks!

  7.  #7Violette on March 11, 2013 at 9:43 am

    Arabian Love thank you for commenting again on my last post. When I was involved with T he always wanted to see me on his schedule, namely, “right now” or “tonight” which is entirely not my style. So I spent most of the time we were seeing each other asking him to ask me out with a few days notice, and not being available when he didn’t, and now it’s been like 7 months since we last spoke and he was trying to wiggle me into his schedule whenever it was convenient for him, even under those circumstances! He didn’t even know it was my birthday that day!

    The good news is, I’m not calling him back. And I feel phenomenal about it.

  8.  #8ALA on March 11, 2013 at 10:12 am

    10 mins ago I felt like crawling under the covers in my bed and sobbing, with absolutely no motivation to do anything.

    Thank you, blog, and GlowStix for inspiring me and lifting my spirits. I feel a little stronger now that I can find something to do today to take care of myself.

  9.  #9Daria on March 11, 2013 at 10:34 am

    Ala – sobbing when it’s available (the sacred moments it comes) feels really crucial to my healing… I wonder why u chose not to do that. I feel afraid you’re hurting yourself abd making yourself into stone more than u need to if u have access to your tears… Which is ok (to hurt and get harrrrrddd) , but not so fun or gentlesweet, I’ve done it for awhile and am on my way back, maybe u can see it now crying comes so you can heal

    I know lifting up feels way like a relief and that IS like sunshine and light breeze smiles… , I’m sayin don’t put off your tears, they are holy water 🙂

  10.  #10ALA on March 11, 2013 at 10:43 am

    Daria, thanks for telling me your beautiful words.

    It doesn’t take much… tears are flowing, feels healing and cleansing

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  12.  #12ALA on March 11, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    I love dancing to Beyonce when she comes on the radio! 🙂

    My meditation instructor turned me on to this guy:

    Natural Cautions about Closeness

    You can sign up for the newsletters. Lots of goodness gathered from there, for me.

    I included a little blurb that resonated with me…

    Most psychological wounds or traumas occur in the context of relationships, including in early childhood. Further, in our evolutionary history, there were a lot of risks in encounters with people who were “not-my-tribe.” So it is natural to be a little leery of interacting at first, especially with relative strangers.

    To enter into connections today with other flesh-and-blood people, and with your internal history and sense of relationships, it is skillful to be sensitive and caring toward your own alarm bells and nervousness and resistance.

    It is natural to bump into those “defenses,” often subtly. It is inevitable if you are opening up, becoming more available for relationship, more accessible, more engaged, more heartfelt, more loving.

    Even as you read those words, you might be aware of both the longing for those qualities in your relationships and a certain . . . squeamishness perhaps? reluctance? anxiety? repulsion??! . . . . coming up as well.

    It is perfectly natural. The closer we get, often the more the impulse to distance arises – just like the more distance we get, often the more the impulse to move closer arises.

    As you go through life, first and foremost, just try to bring mindfulness to these states of mind, both the longing for closeness and the desire for distance. They are a wonderful object of mindfulness and even investigation.

  13.  #13Crush on March 11, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    I too have heard these words from my guy yet to further confuse me he then swings back to contradict what he just said. Glowstix your post was lovely and I have been near to that stage – where I’ve just needed to say everything and risk sending him running because I’m VERY DEEP, indeed. Instead I believe I’ve recently concluded that what I’ve been dealing with these past 18 months is known as a Narcissist and it really doesn’t matter what I say or how I act, or how soft I am on the ouside or if I circular date. It just doesn’t seem to be something we can work through because he’s not truly present to work on anything with me. It’s been a year and a half of me doing a great deal of the proverbial chasing which I now understand is frowned upon but wow after just turning 44 and being with my ex-husband for 26 years I thought I knew how to recognize that my kindness wasn’t being received in the way that it was given.

    I’ve been reading all my self-help books and see that yes I have some things to work on about myself however the guy that I’ve been focusing so much of my attention on simply isn’t capable of offering anything in return. Some of the webpages describe word for word sentences that he has said to me and I’m pretty sure that I was not the reason he was at the casino blowing the money he didn’t really have. Ya know? LOL But a week ago he suggested that perhaps we were going in opposite ways in how we were working on rebuilding our relationship and maybe we needed to take some time apart to reevaluate ourselves. On Saturday I saw him for a moment when I dropped his suit off for a Daddy/Daughter dance and I trimmed his hair for him. We were polite to one another and the following day he had been invited to my grandmothers 90th birthday party but he claimed that he was just getting around at 4 in the afternoon (party was at 1) so I was somewhat let down.

    Today I texted him a friendly note around lunch time saying due to the daylight savings I wasn’t no where near hungry yet and he replied OK. Um… I have a new job and he knows Im not sure how to deal with the extra hour I now have during my lunch time. He has nothing going on at this time so it wouldn’t kill him to visit with me for a moment (since it’s been two weeks since we’ve really had any contact). He could have at least told me how the dance with the 7 year old went – I did buy her stuff for it and that would have been thoughtful of him. Anyway I followed with a note saying I am not liking how I’ve been feeling lately and I would grant him that space he’s been asking for. Use it wisely. We have a mutual friend who always says “Say Bye” when he hangs up. So that’s how I ended my text. “Say Bye.” Maybe all of his stuff will be gone from our home when I get there, who knows.

  14.  #14IamHis on March 11, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    I’ve realized, he’s NOT “psychologically fascinating” to me. I’m usually attracted to “psychologically fascinating.” He DOESN’T keep me guessing. He is calm, solid, somewhat predictable. He is NICE. This feels like a VERY GOOD thing to me, and I’m wondering why I didn’t see how messed up all the other guys were in the first place?

    Not that “messed up” is a bad thing.
    Maybe “still maturing” is a better phrase.
    Suddenly, I’m not attracted to “still maturing” at all.
    I want calm, sane, predictable, and safe.
    This feels really surprising and good.

  15.  #15Femininewoman on March 11, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    Crush – He could have at least told me how the dance with the 7 year old went – I did buy her stuff for it and that would have been thoughtful of him.

    It might have been but he can’t read your mind to know that was what you wanted. Also if he did not ask you to be a mummy to his daughter, this could cause him to feel emasculated. It might inspire to give gratitude but not love. This kind of overfunctioning also causes people to feel obligated as if they owe you something and most people I know don’t like. I’d say if you expect anything back, even a thank you, then don’t give anything. He is likely to feel the energy and just want to cringe and pull away from it. Even if he is a narcissist. This is about your learning.

  16.  #16Crush on March 11, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    FW – perhaps – although the blinking necklace trinket was something he brought to the dance last year and promised her one again this year. So the four dollar purchase was made by me to uphold his end of the deal he made with her then realized it wasn’t quite so easy to locate one.

    I don’t mention the thousands of dollars of financial assistance I provided him due to several legal issues that plagued him or the house he urged me to purchase for us so he could see his children more often. I gave all of that with no expectation of receiving any type of repayment.

    I guess I am new to the whole concept of “giving somebody space to work on US.” Alienating me doesn’t seem very practical. I’m all for admitting if “I’m being taken advantage of” or “Hey listen silly girl …. it’s over” but that’s never what he seems to be saying when he does open up. Very, very contradictory is all, and confusing to me. I try not over-analyzing. I do go on with my own things but geez at night I really would like to just return home which up until two weeks I shared with him.

  17.  #17IamHis on March 11, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    I feel a little disconnected from all of you on the blog, and am totally behind on reading, but I still think of you all.

    I wanted to explain my “name change,” especially for April Rose, who was worried about me.

    “I am a butterfly, but you wouldn’t let me die” is a lyric from a song called “Me and the Moon” by the band Something Corporate.

    The song is basically about a disillusioned wife, who had been married for years to a man who did not appreciate her. In the song, she slowly slips into insanity, and formulates a plan to murder her ungrateful husband.

    At some point, she sings my favorite line “I am a butterfly, but you wouldn’t let me die, it’s me and the moon, she says”

    I always loved the song, because I could see the truth in it. Men did not appreciate women, or so I thought.

    I also loved the song, because I always thought the poor woman was singing to G0D, and telling Him that she was a butterfly, and that G0D wouldn’t let her die. I also related to the loneliness of the line “it’s me and the moon.”

    I love butterflies, because they remind me of humans. Undergoing transformations, gradually becoming beautiful, and given such a short life in that beauty.

    But that whole song is extremely sad.

    I loved that song from a place of fear instead of faith.

    At some point in this process of finding Rori, from December of 2010 until now, I truly surrendered my heart. It felt slow, difficult, and painful. But finally, I was tired enough to just give it up and give it to G0D.

    Suddenly, I no longer wanted to be a butterfly, being kept alive.

    I wanted to belong to someone, in an eternal sense. I wanted to BE ALIVE, I wanted to THRIVE.

    And I do belong to G0D, and somewhere along the line, my faith in Him has been restored, not just in MOST areas of my life, but ALL areas of my life, including my romantic life, which I withheld from Him for a very long time, because He let me experience real pain when I trusted Him with it.

    The pining after unhealthy men has mostly gone away. I still feel love for these unhealthy men, but I don’t WANT them the way I used to. I don’t NEED them to fill some kind of hollowness inside of me.

    I am full of love.
    I am love.
    I am complete.
    I am His.
    And He is mine.

  18.  #18ArabianLove on March 11, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    I agree with FW if you give and expect something in return you might be let down ! Especially, if what you expect is for the guy to react as a woman would! This is what i am noticing from a lot of comments. We have the expectation for our man to give us what we want by having him read our minds and also have the reactions we fantasize about . We are not in a Hollywood movie ladies!

  19.  #19ALA on March 11, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    I feel excited to see your name change. IamHis
    I see/feel you on this whole ‘nother level spiritually, and your awareness with men has also increased.

  20.  #20ALA on March 11, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    When I give to a man, it’s mostly only from a loving gesture with no expectations. I’m judging myself for being greedy by not giving to men very often.

  21.  #21Femininewoman on March 11, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    Attached – Amir Levine
    Hold Me Tight – Sue Johnson


  22.  #22ALA on March 11, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    It appears that the book is more devoted towards persons in established relationships and not what to do when you find him… or want to find him.

    I just spent $40 of my gift cards on amazon for some imported from Korea bb creams. I’m feeling.;.. cant come up with the word, not cheap, not judicial… Ack, “spend thrift” is the closest

  23.  #23ALA on March 11, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    If he’s “with”me, he sure -as- f better be in love with me. lol, yikes, a little feisty their girl, lol. Guys say that they’re in love with me all the time. Whatever level of “Love” and attraction they are offering can make or break it. I feel that being pursued, while keeping a healthy distance is my ideal. It soothes my anxiety when guy’s relationship time-tabl;e is way ahead of mine, . but that doesn’t mean that it’s right for me eithjer

  24.  #24ArabianLove on March 11, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    Aaawww ALA (20)

  25.  #25ALA on March 11, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    * it soothes my anxiety level

  26.  #26Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    I’m sorry for sounding like a broken record, but I feel so hurt and guilty. I could never forget that he is not smartcd. I owe him that big time. Just hurt and hurt. And I know that I hurt him so much. But when he was in front of me I was afraid it may work out. I was afraid. And then he would say something that I didn’t like at all and then again something loving towards me and I would reject him. It would appear that I did not, but I knew I was rejecting him. I could not find the strength inside me to be affectionate. And I am a very affectionate person, I have to stop myself from being too much. But it felt like every chance to be affectionate with him was a chance taken away from my love for smartcd. And so I gave him my body. And yes, there were times when I was a lot more open to him and I searched to find what I needed and I couldn’t. There was a time when we went skiing when he gave me a sleeping pill at 4am as I couldn’t sleep and then at 8am on the way to the hill I was so sleepy, I could hardly keep my eyes open and on the bus stop I dropped my skis that I was carrying. He gave me such a look and I went on my knees and started collecting the skis and he was just standing and looking at me. On the hill he was in charge as he is an excellent skier. He was losing patience with me sometimes and would just ski away and tell me where to meet. But then again he’d be sweet and loving and make me breakfast and then get very upset that he does too much for me. Even at home he would feel that if I stayed 2 nights in a row, breakfast on the second morning meant that I was using him. even if we were just intimate he would get upset. I’d have a cookie for breakfast that I brought myself and if I took a second cookie I saw it on his face he was getting upset. But he did want a life with me, he treated me very well and he was loving and really wanted to be with me. He was always happy to see me, he always missed me and I always felt that I was a prize. He was proud of me.

  27.  #27Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 4:42 pm

    Sirens may I ask for your advice again. Would you respond to his text – ‘Look forward to the museum tour. Now you show affection. You are funny.’ he sent it to me yesterday after we already broke up the day before. I did not respond. I didn’t know what to say because he is right.

  28.  #28Elsie on March 11, 2013 at 5:23 pm

    @IamHIs – LOVE your name change ! Awesome feelings around it! 🙂 Good for you! Be who you are!!!! 🙂

    @Memulo – Stress. I feel stress from your post – anxiety, worry, fretting and complete exhaustion worrying about this. You poor thing. You deserve so much better. Regarding his text, you have to first truly figure out what you want before you answer it. If you want to go, then say you want to go. If you dont, say that. I think you have shown a great deal of affection and frankly, patience, with this man.

  29.  #29Senior Lady Vibe on March 11, 2013 at 5:25 pm

    @12: ALA says:
    “…My meditation instructor turned me on to this guy..”

    Thanks for mentioning Dr. Hanson. I’ll add him to my neuropsychology reading list.


  30.  #30Elsie on March 11, 2013 at 5:27 pm

    Sirens – I need advice from all of you….

    Ok – so cliff notes, Dec through Feb great stuff – awesome stuff. Feb through March – not so great since he is going through the worst patch of his life.

    I understand that – and he even called me today and texted me a bit this morning.

    But I havent spent ANY alone time with him in a month. Yes, we talk every day and I see him every day but that is in public places, and not on dates and not alone and no intimacy.

    Bottom line: I miss him. I miss the closeness and affection and just him holding me. I miss it.

    So – I know that this whole thing will take a while, and I feel like he is sort of not being there for me right now and he knows I am always there for him, and then I think – no you are just being needy right now – and then I think on the other hand, he should be there for me at all times, and then on the other hand I think he doesnt have the capacity to do that now….

    I feel like Gollum from Lord of the Rings and cant make up my mind! LOL

    Obviously now is not a good time to bring up the fact that I need more alone time with him LOL – but at the same time I’m so nervous that he wont be there for me when this is all over.

    I’m sure its just the negative voices trying to protect me from the hurt that might come….

    How do I just relax and become ok with not knowing how everything will turn out? How do you become ok with not knowing the end of the choose your own adventure book? 🙂


  31.  #31GlowStix on March 11, 2013 at 5:29 pm


    I so get where you’re at. I can see that you are beginning to understand what’s going “off” in your life and relationship. Been there…

    If you read your words over you may recognize what you can stop doing to allow this condition in your life.

    A good way to create change, that has worked for me is to just stop doing whatever it is i’m doing. Take a deep breath (literally and metaphorically – as in “some space”) and find a way to feel whatever i’m feeling and take care of myself. Moment by moment. I feel _____ How can I care for myself in this moment? What do I desire.

    Formulate a process to “deal” in a positive way for yourself. Learn how to communicate more effectively. Be open to other men’s attentions even if you’re exclusive. Stop giving giving giving and start receiving and giving back. If a man is not willing to give, unfortunately we don’t get to give back…And then we repeat the above process…I’m feeling____ How can I care for myself? What do I desire? And practice making good things happen for yourself.

    Love yourself and never stop…

    You’re amazing and lovable just because you *are*.

  32.  #32GlowStix on March 11, 2013 at 5:34 pm


    Make room for the amazing….

  33.  #33Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 5:48 pm

    Elsie, may I ask what is happening in his life? Sorry I missed it somehow.

  34.  #34Elsie on March 11, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    He is in the middle of a legal child custody battle for his three children.

  35.  #35Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 5:54 pm

    By the way, the museum thing I was the one who suggested. I said I’d like to stay friends and I want to give you a tour. So he replied that he is looking forward to it. Yes, I’d like to do it but did not realize that my answer is expected right away?

  36.  #36Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 5:54 pm

    Ohhhhhhh Elsie. You don’t know my story, do you 😉

  37.  #37Elsie on March 11, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    @Memulo – I guess my question is WHY do you want to stay friends? Why do you want to stay friends with someone who treats you not well. (Sorry dont be mad, I’m just asking….)

  38.  #38Elsie on March 11, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    Memulo – Yes, I do know your whole story – I’ve been following the whole way 🙂

  39.  #39Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 5:57 pm

    I think he treated me well, really well. He has a temper, but otherwise he was tender and sweet with me.

  40.  #40Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 5:57 pm

    The story with smartcd? The custody thingy?

  41.  #41Turquoise on March 11, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    Memulo, you don’t make sense. How could you always feel loved and like a prize if he got mad you dropped your skis and ate two cookies???? You don’t love this man. It really isn’t about smart cd. If you felt live for this one and he was sweeping you off your feet, you’d let go of the memories and ties you feel to smart cd.

  42.  #42Femininewoman on March 11, 2013 at 6:07 pm

    I was debating to say it is lack of experience but I more believe it is desperation. The prior one wasn’t even interested in having sex.

  43.  #43Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 6:13 pm

    Turquoise, I was thinking that at times, but I always felt very guilty about smart cd. Well, I definitely had a lot of attention, for 4 months he called me every single night. he was telling me he had feelings for me and he was hoping for the future with me. About his love for money – he treats everyone this way, even his children.

  44.  #44Elsie on March 11, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    @memulo – LOL – smartCD wasnt mine 🙂

  45.  #45Elsie on March 11, 2013 at 6:15 pm

    LOL – sorry memulo I was laughing because I thought you meant that I had a smartCD too – sorry. Now I understand – wow….sometimes this blog things get jumbled – or maybe thats just me LOL

  46.  #46Elsie on March 11, 2013 at 6:17 pm

    Ok whew. Sorry about all that – to set it straight –

    Memulo – yes I know your story about your new guy and the whole reason you left (his temper, etc.) and the museum.

    I do know that you were still sort of in love/hung up on Smart CD – but no, I do not know about the custody thing……

    Whew. Glad that is sorted now. 🙂 Sorry!!!!

  47.  #47Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 6:24 pm

    Elsie, so I am not sure if you know my smart cd story, but I went thru a lot of s-t worrying about his custody battle and not feeling I had the right to even remind him that hey I am there and I am your woman, and (this is what happened with me, no connection to you) yes, as per FW’s remark he stopped being intimate with me once something really bad happened in his custody battle, although we still spent time alone, and I was nurturing and understanding, and then 2.5 months later he found someone else and disappeared. And I was left with my deep understanding of his situation and I never found out what happened in the end 😉 So I don’t want anything like this to happen to you and I am telling you – please, please, take care of yourself. Tell him you are not happy, it’s unacceptable to make you believe he would spend time on the weekend with you and then no show. DO NOT become his confidant. You are his woman. Custody battles are long and painful but life goes on in the meantime. It’s understandable he is upset and stressed, but you need attention too, you’re his flower. He is worried about his battle? Fine, maybe it’s time to worry about losing you. Do not accept neglect.

  48.  #48Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    I am telling you, if they gave medals for custody battle supporters, I’d win gold. I was so extremely understanding, tactful and altruistic it’s too bad he wasn’t shooting a movie. Even about intimacy thing I was trying to behave so that he wouldn’t notice that I know that he knows that I realize that he is not sleeping with me!

  49.  #49Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    P.S. he hinted that it was his medication that he had to take extra to overcome the situation, but I wonder how that worked with the next girl. Of course it is very possible that for the first XX months he explained to her too about the medication, I truly believe that.

  50.  #50Elsie on March 11, 2013 at 6:44 pm

    @Memulo – how long were you with him before the custody battle started?

  51.  #51Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 6:47 pm

    Elsie the thing about custody battles is that it triggers all feminine instincts and makes us into speechless and loving zombies. Think about it – he is a GREAT father, he cares so deeply for his children, this ex- b-tch is making his life miserable for no reason, he is a suffering hero just because he loves his little babies so much. He forgets everything else. Did you read Dickens growing up? I did. Seriously, leave it to the book, real life is very different.

  52.  #52Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    Elsie, over half a year.

  53.  #53Elsie on March 11, 2013 at 6:49 pm

    Oh – and he never said he would spend time with me over the weekend – he told me if he could get away (meaning he did not have to watch his 3 children) then we would do something – but it turned out he had to watch them all weekend – so we couldnt go out.

    He has always been honest with me. Has never lied.

    In fact we had a big talk last Friday – and it was funny because I said – the exit ramp is always there – just let me know if you want to take it – and he smiled….

    He then said – a guy will let a girl thing and make up excuses so that he can “get some” but a guy who really loves and cares for a girl will NEVER let her go on believing something he knows is not true. I said – really, is that so? I said – ok, then. I hope in our case thats the truth and that you would never let me believe something that isnt true if you know I think something — and he said he wouldnt.

    Which then made me wonder. We had talked about marriage and he knew it was a deal breaker for me, and then the day he got served, he said “I will never get married” and that threw me because in almsot a year and a half I have never heard him say that – of course that was the worst day of his life – but still.

    So – anyway – I think he knows how I feel, and he has said point blank that he would never let me believe something he knows I think isnt really true….so there you go.

    You story does concern me so I would like a little more detail.

  54.  #54Elsie on March 11, 2013 at 6:52 pm

    I am not really doing anything with his custody battle except listening to him. Its not my fight. He knows I think he is a great dad, but that is separate and apart from the custody battle. We have been together quite a while, so that is nothing new.

    I am letting him be the man and handling his business. Since I have some friends who knew attorneys I gave him some names and then left him alone. He does come and talk to me about it – but I dont ever give my opinion.

    I would not say I am a part of it at all. I would feel weird giving advice – it would feel motherly to me. I want a man who can handle this and make his own decisions – I’m sure he will make good ones.

    I’m only being as supportive as he needs me to be. I sit and listen, and thats about it. He doesnt really ask my opinion often, and when he does I am cautious with my advice…..so I wouldnt say I”m all wrapped up in this at all – emotionally or even logistically.

  55.  #55Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    Elsie, same here, I just listened to him, plus I didn’t ask him first and I did recommend an attorney. The rest was him sharing it with me. I do think he is a model father.

    Now I talk about it with the sense of humor but when it was happening I couldn’t sleep at night and even when the bad thing happened, although he was at his place and I was at mine, I could not go to work the next day. I didn’t even tell him, but I was so impressed that I felt very weak and like the sky fell down.

  56.  #56Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    In any case, I am so happy your story is different from mine, but I do believe that if you want more attention you need to tell him.

  57.  #57Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    About my cd – he is not a bad guy, he is a decent guy and he did want a serious relationship with me. Yes, he is greedy at times but he was in love with me, he was affectionate and I felt very secure with him.

  58.  #58Elsie on March 11, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    @Memulo – I hope (for my sake) my story turns out different although that must have been so hard for you to be so emotionally invested in it…hugs to you!

    I will not lose any sleep over it – Its not that I dont care its that I truly feel that it is his business. I know he will make good decisions and that it is his problem. (LOL – I have enough of my own.)

    I debate whether or not to be greedy and needy right now. He has really kept in contact with me and connecting with me – although the one thing that really bothers me is that we dont have any alone time together in the past few weeks. I think its because he really is very focused on all this and worried that she will use any little thing against him if he can and he is sort of stepping on eggshells….

    I told him on Friday (I was talking about a friend who is in a bad relationship) that once you start making excuses for a guy then you know its bad news. And he just got this look on his face and I said what??? and he said what about me? You know I would take you out etc. every weekend if I could. I laughed and said – no…..thats an explanation and its coming from YOU. An excuse is something a girl makes up in her head to convince herself that a guy still likes her. He laughed and that was when he said a real guy who really cares about a girl would never ever let a girl continue to think something he knows is not true – to which I said – ok you have to promise me that you will never allow me to do that…and he said ok. 🙂 It was very sweet…..he teared up a bit and it was awesome. 🙂

    Anyway – I do worry that maybe he wont be there for me and wont show up for me at the end of all of this.
    But you know what? I also was in a marriage with two children forever, and that didnt end up working, so I guess I feel like I have to live in the here and now.

    This seems to be working now so I’ll let it be…

    But the only question is……

    …..do I mention to him that I really need some attention and quality time alone now? While he is going through this? Or just give it a couple of months? I dont know if I can stand a couple of months without any kind of alone time. Ugh.

  59.  #59Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 7:30 pm

    Elsie – YES. It will help him too, think of it this way – to get distracted a bit 😉 Even a weekend away together will do wonders.

  60.  #60Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 7:34 pm

    I have to admit that to get a phone call every night for 4 months and now to suddenly stop getting it feels a bit lonely. Even though I wondered sometimes why he is calling every night.

  61.  #61Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    I feel so bad about losing all these people we ever get close to, people that meant the world to you or even meant something – it’s like it dies all of the sudden and you can’t help it.

  62.  #62Elsie on March 11, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    @Memulo – I’m sorry you feel lonely. Its times like these that we always seem to remember the good times and not the bad. Right?

    I feel a little lonely too – I wish he would come over and hang out for a bit – but its just not possible with his three children and the situation he is in right now.

    I do miss him and our alone time just hanging out by ourselves…..sniff sniff (thats me feeling sorry for myself) LOL

    I just decided to sign myself and my children up to help at the local food bank so we are giving back. REfocus….REfocus…. 🙂

    Memulo I know you say that I should say something to him, but I sort of feel like at this point it goes without say that he knows I want to spend time with him…..I’ve sort of said it – and he said he wants to spend time with me and sort of cant – so now what do I do?

  63.  #63Elsie on March 11, 2013 at 7:39 pm



    Overcoming relationship insecurity is partly about becoming less controlling. This may sound strange, but feeling that: “This relationship must be exactly as I think it should be!” is a form of over-control. A sign of insecurity in relationships is when the desire for certainty becomes too strong.

    Having to know whether your partner really loves you, having to know this or having to know that puts a lot of unnecessary strain and tension into the relationship. The fact is, we all have to live with uncertainty. Insecure people can still feel insecure even when they are told they are loved. Wanting what is not possible (complete and utter certainty in all and everything forever) is not possible because imagination can still make up doubts. So stop looking for certainty where it doesn’t apply.

    Self-assurance comes from starting to relax with uncertainty. Wanting to know for certain that someone will be with you forever prevents you enjoying the here and now. Nothing in life is certain.

  64.  #64Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 7:40 pm

    Elsie you know your situation better. But is it that he absolutely can’t get away for an evening? I think you can insist, even in a bit spoiled girly way 😉

  65.  #65Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 7:41 pm

    Yes, only if they are not lying to you.

  66.  #66Violette on March 11, 2013 at 7:46 pm

    I feel so single! I’m not dating anyone. I don’t want to get fearful about this. I have some plans this week, and I’m going to show up to events and flirt my tail off. And relax. And stay positive. I’ll be overwhelmed with men again soon enough!

  67.  #67Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 7:50 pm

    I was lying to my cd too. I made him believe that I was capable of a relationship with him, where in fact I was missing smartcd terribly

  68.  #68ArabianLove on March 11, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    Elsie, believe his word 🙂 !
    He will come around when he has time believe me 😉 !

  69.  #69Indigo on March 11, 2013 at 10:38 pm


    For what it’s worth, I think he ABSOLUTELY does know that you want to spend time with him, and I think you are doing great.

    I don’t think it could hurt to take your mind completely off it though – go organise some lovely, enjoyable stuff that you would love doing in your spare time, and if you happen to meet some people to talk to while you are doing that, great, you may feel less lonely.

    I just find that it is ALWAYS a good idea to go and do lovely, fulfilling, caring things for ourselves rather than worrying, when our needs aren’t being met, whatever the reason.

    Helping out at the food bank sounds nice 🙂

  70.  #70Indigo on March 11, 2013 at 10:43 pm

    I am doing this, letting go of the optimism that things will come right with D, and instead filling my time with things that make me feel happy, satisfied and calm, and it feels SO good.

    I find I feel happy, instead of anxious, when my focus is on LIVING my life, fulfilling my potential and dreams.

    But for me the most important thing has been just totally loving myself and thinking about all the good things I want for myself, and letting go of any urge to fix.

  71.  #71Indigo on March 11, 2013 at 10:47 pm

    I think it’s hard to accept that some things are not under our control, but when you finally do it’s a wonderful feeling, and very liberating.

    It means you actually get to let go of trying to fix the things you have no control over, and leave responsibility where it belongs, and redirect your energy to other things.

  72.  #72Emerson on March 12, 2013 at 1:10 am

    I’m about to finalize a big decision … By sending my resignation notice to my boss for a part time job. I’ve been there a year and I feel it’s time to leave. It’s not giving me the payoff that I need… I still have my other job and I may be able to work there more… Without the burden of this other place…
    I know I will miss the job… But it’s ok… I need to make a change and refocus …
    Feeling kinda scared…

  73.  #73Emerson on March 12, 2013 at 1:11 am

    I keep going back and forth… Quit or stay…

  74.  #74Lizka on March 12, 2013 at 3:11 am

    I find it hard to stay sireny in the day to day of my relationship… I see a slight change in the way he is with me. Very slight. Just like he doesn’t look at me like I’m the most amazing thing he ever saw anymore. I don’t feel as godessy as I use to around him. Well I do, bit not all the time.

    I am going to start again my daily challenge on the things I think I am not doing good, to focus more and practice. Will share the results with you at the end of the day.

    Today I should focus on my insecurities. I think I show him too often that I am feeling afraid to loose him when in reality, I should be confident because he tells me all the time that he loves me. Today, no insecurity. Everytime I will want to show insecurity, I will hold my rock and feel my feelings deep down instead.

    Happy tuesday sirens!!!

  75.  #75Lizka on March 12, 2013 at 3:27 am

    Why am I feeling insecure with Cheri anyway when he is giving me no reason to be that way?

    Got to think about this today…

    It’s probably traumatism from my past, with other men, or even some other random stuff and my inconscious is trying to protect me from.

    But Cheri is not these other men. He is showing no sign that he is going to hurt me. He is ALWAYS treating me nice, doesn’t do anything that I hould be afraid with other women. In reality, he is almost not talking to any woman. He tells me all the time that he loves me, that he wants to be with me all the time. He cooks for me, buys me flowers, always offer to pay for me…

    No, the insecurity definitely doesn’t come from him. So it comes from something unknown from my past and it’s unfair to make him feel that I am insecure around him.

    Wondering what this thing from my past can be? Anyway, I want to heal that..

  76.  #76LoveAlways on March 12, 2013 at 4:52 am

    I was in the pits yesterday – deep deep in the pits.

    I didn’t know what to do, didn’t know exactly how I felt. I wanted to DO SOMETHING. But i didn’t. I slowed everything down, and i tried to feel what I was feeling, and it hurt and it confused me. I felt confused and hurt.

    And then when he called i felt better. And I felt what I was feeling before I started with feeling messages. To my surprise my feeling message were about what I was feeling right then and there which was good and had nothing to do with earlier!!!

    I was open and strong and spoke the good feelings I had and he responded to strongly. When I was ready, I spoke my feelings about what made me confused and hurt and it was okay. He could not resist being apart from me after that and came over and we had a lovely evening together.

    I love being a siren.

  77.  #77LoveAlways on March 12, 2013 at 4:54 am

    * so strongly

  78.  #78Memulo on March 12, 2013 at 5:11 am

    I feel guilty for not giving more to my cd. He did not deserve it. Maybe I should write and apologize.

  79.  #79Memulo on March 12, 2013 at 5:12 am

    Yay LoveAlways!!

  80.  #80IamHis on March 12, 2013 at 5:46 am

    Thank you, Elsie! I feel seen by you. I’m having a hard time reading the comments lately, for some reason. I feel disconnected. I feel guilty for feeling disconnected. I don’t know…I just feel like I’m in a different place…not in a good or bad way necessarily, just…different.

  81.  #81IamHis on March 12, 2013 at 6:15 am

    Does anyone know how long the $399 sale will last? I am VERY interested, but I need to do my taxes and get my refund in order to afford it…

  82.  #82Annie on March 12, 2013 at 6:25 am

    Elsie is this man not divorced yet then? Only separated?

  83.  #83Annie on March 12, 2013 at 6:33 am

  84.  #84Annie on March 12, 2013 at 6:38 am

    If we are choosing men who are not available yet that is our stuff to work on.

    The questions would be why am I picking a man who is unavailable for a real relationship at this moment in time if what I really want is a real relationship?

    Why am I settling for crumbs?

    Is that all I believe I am worth?

    Is that all I want and believe I deserve?

  85.  #85Elsie on March 12, 2013 at 6:50 am

    @Annie – never married – living together. I am in the middle of my divorce as well.

    I’m waivering between whether what I’m doing is whether I’m settling for crumbs…….settling for crumbs right now because it truly is all he can give right now…..or the fact that he will never ever come back to me.

    Now, I know that he has tried to make a connection several times with me – and rarely a day goes by without contact or connection – but there has been no true alone time together alone for a month.

    That upsets me. Obviously, at some point I need to let him know what my needs are or he will never know that this bothered me. Maybe @Indigo – you are right – I’m sure he has to know that this bothers me…..the question is – how much does it bother him?

    He did say on friday that “you know I would take you out every weekend if I could” and also on our anniversary he said “I cant wait to hold hands with you in public” and then he did it anyway.

    It doesnt seem like he wants to lose the connection and just that he is going through a hard time now because of his horrible situation…

    But frankly, I’m so nervous that at the end of this he will say that he doesnt have the emotional capacity to give me what I need – he is ISTP if you know anything from the Myers Briggs scale and maybe he just doesnt have enough?

    What if he needs to see other people after this is over to make sure i”m the one….etc etc…..although he has never said that.

    I’m just a mess today. I was so sure last week. I just need the reassurance.

    I *hate* that we havent had any alone time together in a month – and frankly, if he would just talk to me about it – I would probably feel totally fine – its that I think he ASSUMES that I know that he would spend time with me – and that is sort of true – but I wish he would say it so that I know…..sigh.,

  86.  #86Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 6:55 am

    Elsie – what you focus on grows.

  87.  #87Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 6:59 am

    Elsie taking into consideration that you are not divorced, it seems out of the question to me that you can settle. I would say get very clear on what it is that you want, right now. When you become clear on that start talking to yourself rather than looking outside yourself. I believe fear is taking center stage of your reality right now. Only you really know for sure. Yet, whatever it is, it would be best to sink into that and notice it without judging rather than putting your energy out there to avoid feeling.

  88.  #88Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 7:13 am

    Lizka – don’t focus on insecurities. I would use visualizations and affirmations to try to get to a better feeling state. In Reconnect Rori talks about times in her own wonderful relationship where she feels a bit a disconnect. It is normal as life ebbs and flows. Things aren’t always going to be on a high 24/7. The important thing is the practice you have that you use to take care of yourself during these moments. I use meditation.

  89.  #89Annie on March 12, 2013 at 7:17 am

    Elsie says.


    “Oh – and he never said he would spend time with me over the weekend – he told me if he could get away (meaning he did not have to watch his 3 children) then we would do something – but it turned out he had to watch them all weekend – so we couldnt go out. ”

    If he could get away? That feels confusing to me.
    If I wanted to do something badly enough I would make plans and get a babysitter. Or I would take my children with me.
    ” he had to watch them”
    That feels odd.
    Didn’t he know that he was having them?
    It, wouldn’t feel good to me to wait around and put my life on hold for someone who didn’t know if they had to watch their own children and hadn’t made any concrete plans with me.

  90.  #90Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 7:17 am

    From Bob Grant:

    Being patient is not the same as being tolerant. When you tolerate a man’s bad behavior, you’re just hoping it will go away if you ignore it long enough.
    Being patient means that as long as a man continues to improve himself, you remain at his side. When it comes to men, which do you do?

  91.  #91Annie on March 12, 2013 at 7:19 am

    Ah Ty Elsie.

    Are you in uk or USA somewhere else?

  92.  #92Annie on March 12, 2013 at 7:21 am


    “That upsets me. Obviously, at some point I need to let him know what my needs are or he will never know that this bothered me. Maybe @Indigo – you are right – I’m sure he has to know that this bothers me…..the question is – how much does it bother him?”


  93.  #93Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 7:22 am

    From Bob Grant:

    “Every characteristic I listed is necessary. I don’t want to settle.” I have heard from many of my female clients over a number of years express this same sentiment, or a form thereof. If not all the “indispensable characteristics” that the client considers necessary are present in a potential partner, somehow she feels she will be settling for a less than happy and wonderful relationship.

    This idea of a long checklist is great in theory, however; what I am stressing is that you only need three “essential” characteristics to find a prospective partner. Locating a man that possesses three crucial qualities that are specific to you, should not require you to compromise your chances for a happy and loving relationship. I promise. Unfortunately, most women do not grasp this concept, and for those that do understand this principle, the realization often comes after they have lost a man and realize they want him back. If you have a long list or requirements for a man, you risk staying single for a long time.

    Alternatively, you might end up in a very unhappy marriage anguishing over the requirements you did not get because you were unaware or unsure as to how to determine what those specific essential qualities were, or how to go about prioritizing those three characteristics that were specifically necessary to you.

    Please – do not take my word for it. Speak with any professional matchmaker, therapist, or even ask Dr. Phil, and you will get the same basic advice. You only need a limited number of qualities to have a wonderful relationship/marriage.

    When you find a man that you love who possesses your three indispensable characteristics, you really will not mind compromising on other, less important qualities that you might desire. Just to be clear, fidelity and a relationship devoid of abusive behavior are always a given, and do not need to be included on any individual’s list of requirements.

    I had a former client who took this principle to heart. She came up with her top three “must haves.” One of the qualities she required in a potential mate was that he must be tall. She was 5’10” so she felt very uncomfortable, and was simply not attracted to men that were shorter than she was.

    This may seem unimportant to some people, but it was a “must have” for this particular individual. I might mention as a side note that it does not matter how superficial or finicky your essential qualities are, as long as you select no more than three. Remember, these essential features are personal to you, and you alone.

    As the months went by, my client held true to her list. She dismissed any man the moment she realized that he did not possess all three of her requirements for a partner. The result – she ended up marrying someone with the three characteristics she had selected.

    However, what she soon found out was that her spouse had somewhat of a temper. He was not violent or abusive, but at times, he would get irritated easily over silly stuff. As my client relayed this information to me she stated, “I wish he didn’t get upset so easily, but honestly I can work with his irritability. I have simply learned that I have to set limits with him. Honestly, it is much easier to deal with this behavior that it would be to have married a man that was shorter that me.”

  94.  #94Annie on March 12, 2013 at 7:24 am

    Doesn’t matter what he wants. If what he does doesn’t match and he is not able.

  95.  #95Annie on March 12, 2013 at 7:27 am

    90: Femininewoman says

    “From Bob Grant:

    Being patient is not the same as being tolerant. When you tolerate a man’s bad behavior, you’re just hoping it will go away if you ignore it long enough.
    Being patient means that as long as a man continues to improve himself, you remain at his side. When it comes to men, which do you do?”

    I love that. For me it has to be consistent as often what can happen is they step up for a while and when we relax they slack off again, so no real consistent improvement or change has occurred.

  96.  #96Annie on March 12, 2013 at 7:27 am

    meant to say, doesn’t matter what he says.

  97.  #97Annie on March 12, 2013 at 7:32 am

    Feel curious does anyone consider, raising ones voice or ‘shouting’ when angry bad behavior.

  98.  #98Memulo on March 12, 2013 at 7:39 am

    My cd did not posses my 3 most important qualities. I’m not sure what they are yet, but there was something seriously missing for me. Being open minded? Maybe. Although he is smart and has many interests. And I like it when a guy is capable of making a firm decision.but somehow making a decision means cutting off other options? I feel confused. Maybe I want them toake decisions that work for me? Oh hope not.

  99.  #99Memulo on March 12, 2013 at 7:42 am

    I feel that the blog is somewhat one-sided. It’s all about men not stepping up, not loving enough and how to deal with it. But women do it too. We are not all-time victims. We hurt them and take advantage of them and sabotage. And sometimes even have a hard time understanding why.

  100.  #100Annie on March 12, 2013 at 7:43 am

    It feels bad to me to hear anyone calling women bitches unless it is banter and is playful.

  101.  #101Annie on March 12, 2013 at 7:43 am

    It feels bad to me to hear anyone calling women bi00itches unless it is banter and is playful.

  102.  #102Memulo on March 12, 2013 at 7:49 am

    It was a sarcastic comment aimed at myself Annie.

  103.  #103Annie on March 12, 2013 at 7:51 am

    We are not here to take care of a grown up mans feelings.

    We are here to take care of our own and help facilitate our children in learning to take care of theirs.

    It doesn’t feel good to me to mosddy coddle a grown up man and treat him like a child. It feels yuck and turns me off big time.

  104.  #104Annie on March 12, 2013 at 7:52 am

    I don’t want a man boy I want a grown up man.

  105.  #105Crush on March 12, 2013 at 7:53 am

    I’ve been reading a book about “why we are attracted to the types of men we are” and the smart types who write books suggest that it goes back to our unconscious mind. We have an internal desire to return to a time when we were at one with a PEACE – when we were floating around in the womb being completely cared for and secure. Once we are born our folks may be present but pre-occupied to respond immediately everytime an infant makes a sound. I, myself was born to this type of parent. They drank socially and played cards and I’m sure as a baby I’d fuss and they would eventually get around to dealing with me. I would in turn cling to that attention and not want to let them get away because heck, who knows when I could get their attention again LOL.

    Id be recognized as an adult CLINGER. The other side of that is the AVOIDER. They tend to be born to parents who might have several other children and are simply too exhausted to tend to the new baby COMPLETELY. If the child fusses to get their attention, they eventually respond but they’re also quite frustrated (due to the exhaustion) and just aren’t very pleasant about the whole thing. The child in turn learns that even when the parent responds it’s not good so they avoid it altogether – and ultimately just hope they don’t starve to death.

    As adults Avoiders seek Clingers because they truly deep inside crave the attention they didn’t get and us Clingers love dishing it out to them – however the Avoiders are still frightened about what the outcome of that attention will be because when they were babies it usually ended badly.

    Of course none of that corrects anything and might be a crock of BS but I’m always attracted to Avoiders.

  106.  #106Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 7:55 am

    RE 99 – I agree with you Memulo. Things have to be in context.

  107.  #107Annie on March 12, 2013 at 7:56 am

    “Think about it – he is a GREAT father, he cares so deeply for his children, this ex- b-tch is making his life miserable for no reason, he is a suffering hero just because he loves his little babies so much. ”

    I was referring to this Memulo.

  108.  #108Emerson on March 12, 2013 at 7:58 am

    (((Love always)))

    Hi Lizka!

    Fw I like your reminder that what we focus on grows. I am really going to keep that in mind. I am going to focus on good things and happiness and my awesome goals….. Which I will have more time for now because I quit one of my part time jobs !!!
    I feel good about it. I feel nervous about my boss’ reaction but I’m giving her almost a month notice….

    ExoticCD texted me yesterday and I have not replied. I feel bored with the texts. I feel like saying that lol….

  109.  #109Annie on March 12, 2013 at 8:01 am

    105: Crush says.

    Yes we are just reliving the same story over and over again unconsciously, same story different faces, unless we become aware and make a conscious choice to change the part we play in the story and choose to create a new and better story.

  110.  #110Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 8:02 am

    Emerson – I would let him know that I am open for proper dates and to keep a connection going otherwise I don’t have time for male friends. Then I would go silent on the texts.

  111.  #111Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 8:03 am

    Have you tried “it would feel good to hear your voice”?

  112.  #112Annie on March 12, 2013 at 8:08 am

    “I feel that the blog is somewhat one-sided. It’s all about men not stepping up, not loving enough and how to deal with it.”

    If I turn this around it would be how am I not stepping up and taking care of myself and not being loving enough to myself and what loving action do I need to

    It’s not my job to step up and take the mans role in a romantic relationship. I would be taking his job away from him. And where would that leave us and what would that create?

  113.  #113Emerson on March 12, 2013 at 8:10 am

    110 I like this

    109 how should I frame this message? “i feel open to going on dates and getting to know you”

    I’ve told my CDs that I am ok with a friends first approach because it takes the pressure off and also it’s more comfortable for me to think that way in the beginning, but exoticCD and I have kissed etc so we are obviously attracted more than friend. Just thinking out loud… How to approach from here…

  114.  #114Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 8:13 am

    Crush – I believe in forgiving my parents. They were doing the best they knew how at the time. I really don’t believe you are a Clinger and are attracted to Avoiders. Maybe you just associate being loved with being ignored and being hurt. In any event it is normal human behavior to play roles with each other. As such if we truly CD those who avoid or ignore will naturally drop out of rotation. As long as we don’t go chasing after them. That for me now is engaging with them in drama, so I no longer do it. It is conscious living, conscious loving.

  115.  #115Memulo on March 12, 2013 at 8:14 am

    Me too Annie.

  116.  #116GlowStix on March 12, 2013 at 8:18 am

    Annie- 97

    I don’t consider something like that bad behavior. However it is up to a grown up adult to regulate what they are saying to another person even when they are impassioned and raising their voice.
    I am with a man who will raise his voice in anger and yet he does not say abusive things or put me down. Once I found strength to face it and accept it and stand up to it it actually became a turn on…Such passion. Then it stopped HAHA Yeah. We haven’t passionately argued in a while.

  117.  #117Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 8:19 am

    i feel open to going on dates and getting to know you deeper than how are you” or whatever his standard texts says.

    Maybe even “I want to feel, special and pursued and romanced”.

    Though he may drop off the map after that.

  118.  #118Emerson on March 12, 2013 at 8:21 am

    116 thanks lol fw good point I like it thanks!!

  119.  #119Memulo on March 12, 2013 at 8:23 am

    Annie in my case he wanted us to almost move in together and I was avoiding it. So yes, I did not step up.

  120.  #120GlowStix on March 12, 2013 at 8:27 am


    What does “he wanted us to almost move in together” mean?

    I feel curious because even if I wanted to “step-up” to something a man wanted from me, I would have no clue how to step up to almost moving in together.


  121.  #121GlowStix on March 12, 2013 at 8:28 am

    sorry, cont’

    Like…How would one say “yes” (stepping up) to a man wanting to almost get engaged?

  122.  #122GlowStix on March 12, 2013 at 8:29 am

    Perhaps, memulo, he was in fact the one not “stepping up”.

  123.  #123GlowStix on March 12, 2013 at 8:35 am

    and also…

    If a man wants a woman to fully move in together, and she “avoids” that, I would be inclined to say there are deep feelings causing that avoidance that she may need to check in with and take care of. Perhaps she will find she does NOT actually want to move in with him. In that case, moving in would not be the right thing to do and she could say “I’m feeling ____. I don’t want to move in at this time.”. And keep communicating and taking care of herself.
    Or perhaps she will find she really DOES want to move in and the only thing causing the avoidance is un-necessary fear. And she can move in with him and ensure that she is always checking in with herself and being open and expressing and just allowing him to row. As I have been doing…

  124.  #124Memulo on March 12, 2013 at 8:37 am

    GlowStix, it turned out that he wanted us to spend together every evening, not 3 nights a week.
    Anyway, I should probably stop talking about it because it’s history now. Just was giving Annie an example.

  125.  #125Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 8:39 am

    GlowStix – it is my experience that people behave differently in the presence of intense emotions. I have a woman in my life who can’t find words to express herself when she is overwhelmed in the moment but when she sits and writes she is extremely eloquent. There are some people who learned to raise their voices when angry. That is what they grew up with. Some people curse. I know of a man who will keep his voice lowered but will curse. I have come to accept that as long as it is not an “angry” man to trick is in setting boundaries and helping them to understand how you wanted to be treated and letting them know under what circumstances you will be able to engage.

  126.  #126Emerson on March 12, 2013 at 8:47 am

    I feel so good about quitting my part time job. Like a huge weight has been lifted.

  127.  #127Memulo on March 12, 2013 at 8:49 am

    I felt that I could not get my message thru to him. It was like a wall. He’d listen and then the next day accuse me of the same thing or more. I stayed calm and softly explained more but it did not help. Last time he told me again – I think you can afford buying me 2 dinners a year if I buy you dinners twice a week! And he told me again – you were over half an hour late for dinner! That’s when I had a people emergency at work and the girl I work with was suddenly in tears and screaming, and complaining to our boss due to a misunderstanding and I was forced to stay and clear it up.
    Still I feel hurt about talking to other men or going on dates.

  128.  #128Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 8:49 am

    Good foy you Emerson. You have opened up space for something better.

  129.  #129Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 8:50 am

    How would you feel Memulo, calling him up and begging him to take you back?

  130.  #130Annie on March 12, 2013 at 8:52 am


    If I do not want something that someone else is offering or nearly offering and say no, how is that not stepping up?

    I see that in saying no to what I do not want. honoring myself and my boundaries.

    Unless you wanted to move in with this man and live together without being married.
    Live with him on what basis?
    as his fiance?
    If you didn’t want what he was what he was offering or ‘nearly offering’ I feel confused to how that is not stepping up.

    Did he ask you to move in with him? On what basis and is that what you wanted?

    What was the deal he was offering you?

    I feel confused.

  131.  #131Emerson on March 12, 2013 at 8:55 am

    Wow this is a huge exercise for me I being confident in my decisions. I always question myself and this decision feels good to me and that’s all that matters, it’s what’s best for me. Other people’s reactions don’t matter.

  132.  #132Memulo on March 12, 2013 at 8:57 am

    FW, why ate you asking me this? I have no plans to go back to him. I don’t think we could be really happy together. Just the break up hurts.

  133.  #133Memulo on March 12, 2013 at 9:03 am

    Annie in our last conversation he said never before me he went out with someone for 3-4 months and only saw each other 2-3 times a week. He did not say anything prior to that, but then just complained about it. A couple of times he mentioned that he wanted us to move in together soon and/or buy an apartment together. I did not say anything, just listened.

  134.  #134Emerson on March 12, 2013 at 9:13 am

    Thanks fw. I’ve been very sentimental about this job because I love the clientele I work with. It’s an underserved population, all hard workers whim i assist to get back in the workplace and find jobs. Very rewarding and good for the heart. But it does not pay enough and my other job pays more and is equally rewarding. So I’m switching gears.

  135.  #135sha-sha on March 12, 2013 at 9:14 am

    Goood afternoon Ladies! Hope everyone is having awesome day!

  136.  #136Annie on March 12, 2013 at 9:15 am

    Ah ok thanks memulo.

    So in what way did you think you were not stepping up?

  137.  #137Emerson on March 12, 2013 at 9:17 am

    I feel good today after my decision. I know I keep saying that but I really do. I’m letting go of something good it doesn’t always have to be bad to let something go… I’m letting it go so I can be more effective for myself and my future. I’m excited to see what happens next….
    I feel happy to no longer say “oh I’m too busy I have soo much going on i have no time”
    Now I will have time to date and have friends and work at the other job. Yes this was the right choice. Yay Emerson!

  138.  #138Annie on March 12, 2013 at 9:18 am

    And what did you want Memulo?

    That is not very long to get to know someone. Most haven’t really revealed who they are in that short a time.

  139.  #139Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 9:20 am

    I ask Memulo because you said it hurts to talk to other men and go out on dates. That does not make sense to me unless you intend to beg this guy to take you back. We all talk to people as a normal part of our day so it seems odd that you would convince yourself that it hurts to just talk to men. I know some women hate dating but I wonder how else do they intend to put themselves out there and get to know new people? Unless they believe they are not worthy of love and want to stay single the rest of their lives.

  140.  #140Lizka on March 12, 2013 at 9:22 am

    FW 88 –

    “Things aren’t always going to be on a high 24/7.”

    OMG Right before I read this, I was. Thinking that our relationship was not as often on a high as it use to be.

    I want todo visualisation when I start feelin insecure.

    I am planning a trip to Nice in May. I thing I will picture myself in a nice girly bikini, tanning on the beach, feeling the warm rays of the sun on my skin, feeling how nice the cold water feels in my throat, hearing the souds of the waves.

    That should help!

  141.  #141Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Hey sha-sha

  142.  #142Lizka on March 12, 2013 at 9:27 am

    Hello Emerson!!

  143.  #143Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 9:28 am

    It is already helping me Lizka, just imagining it.

  144.  #144Annie on March 12, 2013 at 9:29 am

    thanks for the thoughts re raising ones voice when angry.

    To me that feels authentic as everything matches. Someone saying they are angry the body language and the raising of voice all match I feel safer around people like that who are authentic.

    It is the ones who show no emotion and you don’t know what is going on or they give off a vibe of being peed off, but say nothing or pretend that I feel off around. It’s feels like too much hard work trying to work out what is going on.

  145.  #145Annie on March 12, 2013 at 9:32 am

    I would say that was you taking care of yourself not moving in with someone after such a short time.

    Not avoiding stepping up.
    Being choosy and taking your time to consider if this is what you wanted.

    Why do you think you avoided engaging back about it?

  146.  #146Lizka on March 12, 2013 at 9:34 am

    My boyfriend was getting his hair cut in the mall next to our building during lunch. While going to the book store, I saw him in the window so I went him. He introduced me to his hair dresser and he said “she is your girl friend? Omg she is so pretty, you look like a model!!!”

    Wow talk about something to make you feel good on a Tuesday afternoon!!! 🙂

  147.  #147MovingMagic on March 12, 2013 at 9:34 am

    I had two amazing dates, with 2 really kind & cute men this weekend. I felt safe & open with both. The conversation flowed so easily. I love that I’m attracting these situations into my life. I love not being hyper focused on a man. Instead I stay focused on me & what’s going on internally. It’s taken alot of digging in & refocusing to get where I’m at…and it feels like a breath of fresh air. 🙂

  148.  #148Annie on March 12, 2013 at 9:37 am

    139: Femininewomansays:

    “I ask Memulo because you said it hurts to talk to other men and go out on dates. That does not make sense to me unless you intend to beg this guy to take you back.”

    It makes sense to me as if we feel sad and someone we cared for, became attached to etc is no longer in our life it is a normal process to grieve, which takes time to go through the stages.
    And there will be times we do not feel up to being with others whilst we are grieving, we will need alone time in nature, or to take care of ourselves by having a nice bath, snuggling in bed, crying etc.
    Depends how close we were, what type of relationship we has etc.

  149.  #149sha-sha on March 12, 2013 at 9:41 am

    Hi FW 🙂

  150.  #150sha-sha on March 12, 2013 at 9:48 am

    I love feeling so Happy! I wanna thank Rori and the rest of u ladies! Using rori’s tools has been amazing for my relationship with my man and other important ppl in my life….. its feels so good when my man uses the feeling messages right back when we are ingaged in convo’s ……. he always opened up to me and now its even more amazing to truely know wht he feels so deep inside his soul….. thanks everyone for ur inspiring life stories.. its always been hard for me to open up to ppl or anyone I even feel fears of tellin my story on the blogs but slowly I’m learning not to fear anything and not to fear wht ppl judgements of me are! Guess it would have to stem all the back from my childhood 🙂 Loving myself and life xoxoxo

  151.  #151Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 9:59 am

    “It makes sense to me as if we feel sad and someone we cared for, became attached to etc is no longer in our life it is a normal process to grieve, which takes time to go through the stages.”

    This is a matter of opinion not a fact. There are different schools of thought than there were years ago. Each person can choose the path they want to take. Prolonged grieiving is a choice.

  152.  #152Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 10:00 am

    That feels so great to read sha-sha.

  153.  #153Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Yet, it doesn’t have to be this way. Have hope. Love has the power to endure, to heal, and to conquer anything.

    The key is to know how to wield that love, and to use it wisely, even when completing or ending a relationship. Though a broken heart is painful, it is still a piece of you – and that means you, yourself hold the power to heal it! You just need to know how.

    The good news in all this is that the majority of breakup suffering has little to do with the fact that a relationship ended. Instead, the majority of the breakup pain we experience actually stems from the ways we’ve been taught to end our relationships. It essentially comes down to three major breakup mistakes we make.


  154.  #154CurvySiren10 on March 12, 2013 at 10:24 am

    Emerson, GREAT JOB taking care or yourself and YOUR needs. Feels good to notice personal progress & growth, doesn’t it?? 🙂

  155.  #155Annie on March 12, 2013 at 10:30 am


    I haven’t heard personally or read anywhere that is not a normal human response to grieve and go through that process.

    Understand the you have though FW and you have a different perspective on this.

    That is how I feel in those circumstances and how most people I know say they feel.

    I hear that and understand that you do not feel or think the same.

  156.  #156Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 10:33 am

    Ask the average person what you should do to end the suffering, and they’ll tell you that there’s nothing you can do. At best they may encourage you to “keep busy, exercise more… maybe take up a new hobby or just get yourself back out there.”

    It’s well-meaning advice. But it says that you’re powerless during a breakup. It means that you can’t directly fix your broken heart or heal any pain inflicted on others. Instead, such advice amounts to you limping around broken, still attempting to function. And then, if you’re lucky, you’ll magically heal one day and you can move on. Or you won’t. Good luck!

    No wonder so many people suffer permanent damage from their breakups. They’re carrying on, acting “as if,” pretending that they are available to love again with a heart that was actually broken or fractured a long time ago – a heart that never healed properly.


  157.  #157Annie on March 12, 2013 at 10:38 am

    I wasn’t taught this. It was always this way for me from about the age of three.

    I grieved and it took about two years to go through the stages. Which appears to be the norm.

  158.  #158Annie on March 12, 2013 at 10:39 am

    I believe there are stages of grief that we have to go through.

  159.  #159Annie on March 12, 2013 at 10:40 am

  160.  #160Emerson on March 12, 2013 at 10:52 am

    Thanks curvy siren !

    Funny the other day I was driving to work and I was thinking about all the sirens and sending affirmations to all of you in my mind and curvy siren I thought of you and the word that came to mind was confidence 🙂 🙂

  161.  #161Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 10:52 am

    The internet is also replete with 5 Stages of Grief

  162.  #162Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 10:53 am

    As a man I want my woman to be feminine, nurturing, loving and sweet.

    I don’t want her to have boobs and a penis.

    I want her to smell nice. I want her to dress sexy. I want her to be able to tap into her femininity.

    Her femininity means she’s sweet, she listens, she doesn’t battle me on everything we do.

    Very masculine women will battle men on everything.

    They get off on the battle.They’re very masculine women because they’ve had to always take care of themselves. They’ve got this feeling of me against the world… just like dad taught.

    Your dad might have taught you how to survive, but he definitely didn’t teach you how to be feminine and attract men.

    We need you to tap into that femininity.

    We need you to tap into that on a daily basis.

    When we go out on a date with you we don’t want you to challenge us all of the time.

    When you constantly contradict and battle us, we see you as a very masculine woman, and that’s not sexy to a masculine man.

    Our gender roles are such that a man wants to feel very feminine around a woman. A male wants to be nurtured by a woman. Men basically want a woman, not another dude.

    So, if you find yourself going out on a lot of first dates that don’t go anywhere think about the way you conduct yourself on those dates.

    Are you conducting yourself as a masculine woman on a business meeting or are you conducting yourself as a feminine woman who is inquisitive about the man that you’re sitting across, the man that you want to get to know?

    Food for thought.

    Your friend,

    David Wygant

  163.  #163Emerson on March 12, 2013 at 10:54 am

    158 I believe this is true but I find it interesting the concept of handling grief differently so as not to “prolong” it… I’d feel curious to learn more and see what’s up with that !

  164.  #164Emerson on March 12, 2013 at 10:57 am

    162 fw
    Why does he say a man wants to feel feminine around a woman?? Wants to be nurtured?? Ick I feel confused and turned off by that….

  165.  #165Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 11:04 am

    Emerson – I read it as him saying he wants to feel inspired to sink into his softer side. He wants to drop the cares of the world, where he does his battles in the marketplace, and just sink into his feelings.

    I read “nurtured” as meaning – feeling his heart so much that he is wanting to give to his woman.

    I choose not to focus on the words to mean the same thing as I understand them to mean. He is a man.

  166.  #166Emerson on March 12, 2013 at 11:14 am

    I still don’t get it. It feels off to me.

  167.  #167Daria on March 12, 2013 at 11:19 am

    Thank you Feminine woman… I wanna see abou healin Heart

  168.  #168Daria on March 12, 2013 at 11:30 am

    Memulo – Ew ! This guy sux! No wonder you’re feeling all confused about these two men… Ure putting up with way too much girl!!! No no no ! My dates even when messy don’t get to talk to me like that… Or Blame me in any way.

    I think you have a strong drive to contribute… Did u grow u with a dad that was angry a lot and u had to help your mom? What was your childhood like ? Where did u have to be ‘strong’ ?

    I had a strong drive to contribute Rpri said – and of course thats great we all do ! – but I was unaware of how it was affecting me with men and creating obligation n guilt inside me that they then reflected back to me…

    Ohhhh this will feel so much better when it starts healing

    Go on many dates even if it hurts – you know you are More than strong enough to – and practice a small Boundary on each date so you get used to the uncomfortable feelings that come up…

    Work with a coach if u feel u can … that helps speed it up 10 times…

  169.  #169Daria on March 12, 2013 at 11:33 am

    Yay for Quitting (quiing – Queening) the job Emerson !

  170.  #170Daria on March 12, 2013 at 11:37 am

    I wan my man to be a lover of consciousness

  171.  #171Daria on March 12, 2013 at 11:38 am

    Because I’M consciousness…

  172.  #172CurvySiren10 on March 12, 2013 at 11:41 am

    Aww Emerson, that makes me feel so good. I think I strive for confidence above all else. Nothing makes me feel more siren-y actually! …and my man finds it to be THE most attractive trait by far. You are spot on!!

    Thanks again! Love being a part of your journey and I feel excited and relieved to hear that you’re making such a smart move in your professional life. 🙂

  173.  #173ArabianLove on March 12, 2013 at 11:42 am

    I strongly agree with Memulo’s comment 99.

    I feel it’s very one sided as well.

    I agree with the concept of understanding what we feel and realize that our well being is important.

    But I don’t agree with the man always having to make advances and do ”everything we want” if not too bad we are out of the picture .

    A true relationship takes the 3 Cs Communication and COMPROMISE and COMPASSION ! I find most people just in general are not able to do any of these things ! Very unfortunate!

  174.  #174Daria on March 12, 2013 at 11:45 am

    Memulo – practice scripts to template :

    ‘if I can take u to dinner twice a week u can heal take me to dinner twice a year’

    Ans: ‘whoa I’m feeling really uncomfortable with this. I feel mad. I don’t want a man bringing up how many times he takes me out… I know im an amazing woman n i see taking me out as a privilege to my man n I want my man to see it that way an even more. This feels way off… What’s going on ? ‘

    ‘uncomfortableness at eating cookie’

    ‘I feel a weird vibe… And actually, Im realizing i don’t feel confortable not eating at mans house or being with a man and not being offered food when I feel hungry… Sorry for not bringing this up before… How do u think we should handle this ? ‘

  175.  #175Daria on March 12, 2013 at 11:47 am

    I def do Not use Compromise in my life. I feel giddy tha I avoid using this word.

    Unless it can be we ‘com’ together n promise,

    Not in a way that no feel good to me

  176.  #176Daria on March 12, 2013 at 11:51 am

    None of you ladies actually Feell its one sided lol 🙂

    That’s just a thought.

    What you might feel is a clutching or whatever something in your body when u think that thought.

    Now, feel angry that I told u that 🙂 🙂 What does it feel like in your body (bathy) ?

    Where are u stiff ? where are u pulled down ?

    U can Quickly use a tool to change a thought, an therefore change your feelings…

  177.  #177Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    I thought the 3 Cs included collaboration not compromise

  178.  #178Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    Emerson – you can choose to change your perspective and put any meaning to it that you wish.

  179.  #179Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    I am the Director of My Life

  180.  #180FlowerChild77 on March 12, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    “Prolonged grieving is a choice.”


  181.  #181Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    FlowerChild I thought that would catch you.

    Context is important. I believe when someone dies it affects their loved ones. When a relationship ends, especially one where there is no commitment I find it difficult to accept that I should engage in prolonged grieving.

  182.  #182Daria on March 12, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    Flower Child – it may be an ouch to your current system of thinking, but isn’t prolonged grieving more of an ouch ?

    Isn’t having a choice WONDERFUL ?

    Or WOULDN’T IT BE (if your system of thinking doesn’t accept it) ?

    I felt utter joy when my grandparents passed.

    I’m not saying don’t grieve, or ‘grieving is bad’ , or you’re bad/stupid/weak/wrong for grieving.

    None of that is being said.

    What’s being said is Prolongued grieving is a choice.

    I don’t believe you would wish Prolongued grieving on anyone…

    So now I wonder whats under the ouch ? And I know it’s ouch 🙁 (((((((((FlowerChild))))))))

  183.  #183ArabianLove on March 12, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    Lol @Daria ”now you feel angry that I said that” hihihi

    Nah not at all 😉 !
    Btw ladies these are my feelings and beliefs. We can all agree or not agree and that’s fine by me. The 3 c’s are to communicate, be compassionate and compromise for me. Everyone is different and sees things differently. When I say I believe in compromising … I don’t mean your life goals and such, but small things…it can’t always be my way or the highway! This state of being has created the type of socities we see today, be they spoiled and self-centered!

    Just my thoughts … which you do not have to agree with in any way or form! 😉

    I do believe in putting effort in something you want.

  184.  #184ArabianLove on March 12, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    societies *

  185.  #185Turquoise on March 12, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    I hate that… I love you, but I’m not in love with you. My exhusband said that to me…. really hurt! I wonder if I’ll ever look back on my past and sad times like that, where it won’t sting?

    Sweetheart’s situation is improving. They got their back taxes done and he’ll be able to get a car. Which will make life so much easier.
    I’ve really stepped away from all expectation and am focused on myself. Wow, it’s awesome. He wanted to see me last Saturday and ended up having his kids. I’d kept my options open since the pattern lately has been for him to have them. I ended up being free Friday night and we were able to see each other then. He took me out to dinner and then we went and visited with his parents and chatted, laughed… got to relax and just enjoy being together. Saturday night I went to dinner with my sister and then to see a band with her and my best friend. It was a new place, we’d never been to, and we had a great time! He texted me while I was out, and I replied, kept it brief and let it go.

    I’ve gotten some emails from some interesting guys online and I’m practicing my boundaries. THe one guy lives fairly close, looks like he has his life together, nice looking, makes a lot of money, but he keeps leading the conversation to a sexual place. I told him that I feel more comfortable sharing my secrets with people I know well. He said touche. I haven’t heard from him since (last night), and that is ok. If he’s looking for sexting, I’m not interested. If he’s interested in getting to know me.. I’ll hear from him.

    What else is new…. my ex broke up with his girlfriend, again. They were here for the weekend and she looked pretty miserable. I liked her for what I saw of her, but it was so brief, I realized I don’t know her well. Our youngest fell and hit her head snowboarding. The girlfriend is a nurse, so I was glad she was there, but she texted me late Sunday night saying I could check with her about all her concussion needs, didn’t need to wait for the doctor. Which, I appreciated, but I got a really strange feeling from her message, that felt… superior maybe? I appreciated her help and her opinion, but I still wnated to get her checked out, get another opinion. Head injuries can be quite serious. My baby is ok, but she’s at grandmas today. The doctor said absolutely no activities for a week at least, no tv or video games, not much reading, and to take breaks at school as needed if lights and noise bother her. SHe still has a headache. 🙁 I’m glad I took her to the dr.

    Another great thing, C and I are really communicating well. When I get frustrated or want to defend myself, complain to him or tell him something, I remember that he is not my enemy, he is my friend, his intentions are good, and it has made a gigantic difference. Thank you blog and all the ladies here. My life, just keeps getting better!!!

  186.  #186Smile on March 12, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    Hi sirens! Taking a much needed early night to catch up on rest, it’s felt homely and comforting to be reading the blog tonight.

    Amb cd is has asked me to go on holiday with him and meet his friends when we get back. I love it when he refers to me as his girlfriend. I can feel his affection in his words and body language daily. He’s passionate, attentive and such a gent.

    Tonight I noticed it’s the first time in 4 months I’ve come close to thinking about texting him first. Normally I would have heard from him. I’ve said hello to my fear and moved it on. He’s at work, letting my insecurities rest. It’s only 9pm. Plenty of time for him to text. Im going to read and fall asleep and not think too much around this.

  187.  #187Smile on March 12, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    I’ve been feel so proud of myself. I’ve really felt in the present ‘agenda less’ so to speak. But tonight I’ve acknowledge my fear again.

    He’s not yet divorced. If he sells the house he will make huge financial losses, he’s just had it valued. I recently found out he owns a share in the place his wife he’s separated from lives.

    We made friends on facebook. I saw pictures of her from old holidays. I can tell he really loved her. It feels awful to see these images in my mind now 🙁

    The fear that’s coming up is from strmingman going back to his ex after me. Do I think amb cd will do this too because he’s not divorced? This is a big fear!

    I love my fear
    I love my fear

    It’s okay smile. Not all men go back to their exs.

    I can’t predict the future. I will enjoy the here and now.

  188.  #188Smile on March 12, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    I’m feeling a bit disappointed he’s not texed.

    I would text but I’m holding back because he’s at work, there’s obviously a reason he hasn’t texed… Busy or man space.

    But there’s a nibble in my head… Does he want me to text? Is this a test?

  189.  #189Smile on March 12, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    As time ticks on my disappointment gets more noticeable in myself. Just nodded off to sleep and woke again a little anxious.

  190.  #190Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 3:46 pm

    Smile I don’t like the concept of holding back. I also believe it is okay to initiate once in a while with a man who is committed to you or when you sense that your contact would be welcome

  191.  #191GlowStix on March 12, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    Daria you are wise!


    I believe that if a person is feeling grief and aware of their grief and how thay are moving through it, as you are, they will lift out of it at exactly the right time. They will find a way out when the time feels right. I also belive that some grief feelings may never fall away completely and will touch a person in bursts throughout their life and that’s ok too.

    Grief is the kind of emotion, that if we don’t think we are allowed to feel it, it can sicken us and morph into depression. Children who are allowed to feel their grief (IE: Told “let it all out”) generally move through their grief far more effectively in adulthood. Children who are not allowed (IE: Told “Don’t cry, everything’s ok”) do not generally move through their grief as effectively in adulthood.

    Grief is not a bad thing. Grief is a natural emotion, and it is felt for a reason. It helps us to let go of something we don’t want to let go of.

    And grief is not to be mistaken with a refusal to let go. Grief IS letting go.

  192.  #192Libelula on March 12, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    I really need some encouragement here. I’ve been appreciating all the posts on grief because I am grieving. I ended things with Mr UnAvailable 10 days ago and I’ve gone through a lot of emotions: feeling OK, feeling relief, feeling angry, feeling despair, feeling pathetic, and it goes on. It is so hard for me not to try to start things up with him again. It would be so easy to do, but it’s no longer healthy. I miss him. I need encouragement to avoid contacting him again. Thanks

  193.  #193Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    Libelula – trust yourself. Trust your inner knowing. “When your heart breaks it breaks open to hold more love”.

  194.  #194Memulo on March 12, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    Wow I just got back home from my class and thee are so many posts for me.

    Daria, thank you, my father is very easy going and growing up I was very close to him, he is a lot of fun and he spent a lot of time with me. He is the opposite of an ‘angry tyrant’ type. I had a very healthy and happy childhood, so perhaps that is why I don’t expect to be hit 🙂

    By contribution do you mean a financial contribution? Or the responsibility?

    This guy was never rude to me before, he was always very nice and I think he talked to his mom about me (he confides in his mom) and then he spit it out in front of me. Maybe not, his own thoughts. But I am not the type to start telling him – remember your Vday gift? Or shows I took you to? Or we haven’t been together for a year for you to say that. But when he offered Saturday night dinner after that, I said – thank you, I am not ready to have dinner yet, but I’d love to take you to the museum.

    Where I had to be strong? Don’t know, everywhere? Don’t we all? Also, in tough situations I suddenly get very calm. I never go hysterical and when I am addressed in a hysterical way I respond calmly and softly.

  195.  #195Memulo on March 12, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    By the way I was a ‘never to cry’ girl growing up 😉

  196.  #196Memulo on March 12, 2013 at 7:03 pm

    And now that I remember, in the street scene I kept on repeating in a nice girly way – I feel so exhausted and cold and hungry, I would love to talk about us another time if you like but please can it be not tonight? I feel so tired.. And he gave me these mean looks and told me I am so selfish. I had to repeat it 3 or 4 times, treating him like a close friend, very softly, hoping he’d hear me. But he just kissed me quickly on the cheek and left me in the middle of the street. I got no dinner that I was asked to 😉

  197.  #197GlowStix on March 12, 2013 at 7:09 pm


    All common feelings to feel when a relationship is concluding. I don’t know your story…I encourage you to talk to yourself and take good care of yourself and allow your feelings to ebb and flow and just kind of “exist” within that self care type space. If you can be, or want to be open to receiving contact from him. Though you don’t have to. Contacting him may or may not make you feel worse, and trusting yourself is crucial (like fw said) if it feels wrong, don’t do it. Re-focus and ask yourself “what can I do to take care of me, right now?” and practice making it happen.
    You’ll be ok. More hugs!

  198.  #198Memulo on March 12, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    Omg I remembered just now a similar scene from the past and the same feeling I had – no matter what I say he is not hearing me and just hates me.. My ex-husband, so many years ago. I could never fall for him no matter how hard I tried.

  199.  #199Starbright on March 12, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    Wow, what a breakthrough to see the similarity with cd and your previous husband!

  200.  #200Memulo on March 12, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    Turquoise, what do you think C’s issue is with his girlfriend?

  201.  #201Libelula on March 12, 2013 at 8:27 pm

    Thank you FW & GS. GS, here is what I wrote a few days ago. I didn’t want to get into too many details – it’s a cycle that’s been going on for years with him. I’m trying to lean back & take care of myself, but today I need that extra support. I will begin to cd, but just not quite ready yet.

    246: Libelula says:

    I’ve tried to break things off with an uncommitted man again. I wrote a script, sent it off & done pretty well at not checking if he saw it or responded (because he can see when I do that & it feels like pursuing). I keep saying to myself, “I have the intention to not reinitiate contact with him.” Then I try to take the time to feel how sad, disappointed and lonely I am without him. This cycle has occurred so many times with him (either he initiates the ending or I do then one of us makes contact & the other takes him/her back) – I feel exhausted. I am listening to the audios & trying to practice. But I’m so sad, so disappointed. It feels frustrating that he gave me so many signals over the years & said the words that I’m the one & talked about a future together, but when it came down to commitment, he didn’t. I need some encouragement from others who know what I am going through. Thanks

  202.  #202Smile on March 12, 2013 at 8:56 pm

    Thanks FW, I’ve initiated on days where we’ve had contact already and when I’m not bothered about a reply. But tonight I was. I was worried he wouldn’t reply if he was busy at work or just wanted some space. We’ve been in contact pretty much 24/7 and I’ve loved it. I knew I didn’t need to feel anxious because of all his energy I’ve been receiving, even though I did. He also told me when we very first started dating that sometimes he might not replied and might take space for a few days in a man cave. I haven’t seen that yet from him though.

    It’s 3am and I’m awake so I texed him the text he sends me at night sometimes, a little sleep poem. I was humming it because I couldn’t sleep. He works nights so I knew it is quiet for him about now. I felt such warmth in his reply. We texed a little. He said I know you’ve had a busy day today and didn’t want to myther you. I said to him his myther was always a welcome distraction and makes me smile. He’s going to myther me more lol 🙂 I’m so happy I could tell him I wanted him to text in a blame free way that he hadn’t.

    I feel great about this now 🙂

  203.  #203Violette on March 12, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    Daria I love the practice scripts in 174. Those would have helped me when I was dating D! I’m going to use those, if I ever have to…

    Wow, I’m really lonely tonight. I miss, T and J, and C. I am pining for a man. I’m on fire with loneliness!

    Going out later in the week will help. I am relaxing and being cool. For tonight I am tired, and I’m going to watch some tv and sleep well.

    All is well, I love myself and I am on the right track. And I love my stress and anxieties. They make me vulnerable and real.

  204.  #204Emerson on March 12, 2013 at 11:13 pm

    Hi sirens
    I have a date with a new cd next week from the dating site. Seems very sweet! He’s taking masculine role and pursuing me… So far…
    It’s nice…

    ExoticCD has cooled off considerably… From calling me every day to now text now and then and has not made further plans with me. I’m confused. I feel like I made a “mistake”… I did go to his house because I was passing thru his town…if was nice and I was curious how/where he lived I wanted to scope it out lol I’m nosy…plus you can learn alot about a person from their home. His was nice and seems normal.
    Anyways … I am now picking apart what I did… I know that is unsireny and pointless ….maybe he wants sex right away and he knows I’m not doing that yet hello…


  205.  #205Emerson on March 12, 2013 at 11:14 pm

    When I say I went to his house, he invited me to stop by…knowing I was in the area…

  206.  #206Emerson on March 12, 2013 at 11:15 pm

    I feel kinda let down

  207.  #207Femininewoman on March 13, 2013 at 2:05 am

    Driving to a man, going to his house is making it easy for him so his masculine drive will cool down because there is no mystery, no challenge when he realizes he can control you.

  208.  #208Linda on March 13, 2013 at 4:34 am


  209.  #209CurvySiren10 on March 13, 2013 at 6:06 am

    Hmm, I went to my man’s house very frequently (including very early on) and he asked me to marry him.

    There are no hard & fast “rules” here Emerson. If exoticCD is interested in pursuing you, he’ll be back. There is no textbook for being a Siren. The most important part in my opinion is feeling good about yourself, your vibe. The way you carry yourself. If he was just after sex, it’s possible he semi-poofed because he knew that wasn’t going to happen casually… who knows.

    Just carry on with your bad a$$ self 🙂

  210.  #210Ulii on March 13, 2013 at 6:18 am

    @ IamHis (Iamabutterfly)

    I love your name change and the beautiful explanation you gave of it in the post 17.

    I’m way behing reading the blog and was just catching up with some posts from 2 weeks ago, but I want to tell thank you for sharing a link to a somewhat different peacefulwife blog and sharing about your personal attitude about s3x.

    I feel I’m with you on this. After going through other phases in my life where I didn´t see that possible, but now I do. Although I’m still full of doubts and worries of if and how it would work out for me.

    Your post felt encouraging! Thank you again!

    (((((IamHis))))) <3

  211.  #211Emerson on March 13, 2013 at 6:49 am

    207 fw
    So we should never go to their house?
    That means he can control me ? I don’t think so fw. I agree about not driving to a man, but I did not drive to him I was passing thru his town.
    The other times we met he drove to me.
    He did not get whatever he wanted with me I kept true to my physical boundaries.
    I don’t know I think he’s already “taken” by female friend ….I just got too excited about him. 🙁 I hate that I have to always have my guard up I want to feel free and vulnerable to love somebody …

  212.  #212Emerson on March 13, 2013 at 6:55 am

    209 thanks curvy siren !

  213.  #213Emerson on March 13, 2013 at 7:00 am

    Hi Ulii 🙂

  214.  #214MovingMagic on March 13, 2013 at 7:17 am

    I don’t think going to a mans place gives them the impression that they already have you. There’s many ways to be a siren. Rori talks abou being unpredictable. Just because we go once, doesn’t mean it will happen again anytime soon. 😉 Staying leaned back is a huge part of this.

  215.  #215Emerson on March 13, 2013 at 7:24 am

    I feel thankful for the people in my life that have helped me so much.
    It’s time for me to stand on my own feet now and I know I can. Quitting this job was a step in that direction.
    Now I’m already visualizing what I want to create with my new free time… Work at my other job more and also work on a certification I’ve been wanting …..
    I’m also excited to date more…
    Who cares about exoticCD
    It does not matter why he is poofing.
    Have a good day sirens I’m off to conquer my day….

  216.  #216Emerson on March 13, 2013 at 7:25 am

    Thanks moving magic
    Yes I’m remaining completely leaned back
    Thanks for your comment 🙂

  217.  #217CurvySiren10 on March 13, 2013 at 7:25 am

    Yay Emerson!!!

    Moving Magic-214. Exactly!!

  218.  #218Femininewoman on March 13, 2013 at 7:26 am

    Emerson maybe my words suggested that, but that was not what I was thinking. Unless I was mistaken but I understood that you had 2 to 3 dates in a short space of time. To me this seems early to be going to a guy’s house without him reading something into it. His behavior is an indicator of what a man is thinking, is my humble opinion. In any event you know what is best for you.

  219.  #219Emerson on March 13, 2013 at 7:37 am

    218 thanks fw perhaps it is early to be going to a guys house after 3 dates but I don’t know the rules around that I suck at dating…

    I guess I’m naive and don’t realize that a guy would read into that as I’m going there to fu$k his brains out or something…jeezus this is exhausting

    Maybe ill just become a whore and get paid for it so that way there is no question about it ever

  220.  #220Emerson on March 13, 2013 at 7:38 am

    Feeling angry and pissed off

  221.  #221GlowStix on March 13, 2013 at 7:58 am

    I think it is definitely possible to be at his place and be a siren. There are many ways I have discovered. Although I understand what rori means when she says we have no power at a man’s place…I’m here to say, if you have your own inner power and strength and your softness and also your boundaries, you can take them with you anywhere. However, if I were to do this all over again I would wait longer than I did to spend time at his place, and I would also have spent less time there during the first year. Done is done, though, and I have made my sirenity work no matter where I am. I have his commitment, mind, body, soul. And now he’s moving into my place. *shrug* It’s all going well.

    Although I don’t want to downplay the commitment it takes to the process/myself.

  222.  #222Daria on March 13, 2013 at 8:26 am

    Memulo – I feel excited you notice the similarity with the past too…

    Here’s another huge elephant in the room:

    When a man calls you a not feel good label like ‘Selfish’…

    Don’t ignore it !!!! That IS Bad Behavior!

    Immediately check your feelings and eventually address that you will Not tolerate being put down, that is a deal breaker, you do t feel comfortable dating a man who is not generous and where you feel on eggshells about being provided for… And you like his devotion and can feel his passion for you… So what does he think you should do ?

  223.  #223Daria on March 13, 2013 at 8:38 am

    Memulo – another thing I feel surprised to read : gettin calm in crises… Me too… And this has been an issue for me as it keeps me from expressing anger… I numb it and instead get sweet, peaceful, I imagine myself like a Buddha angel

    This keeps a distance in relationships, as much as its allowed us to stay present in the ‘nurturing masculine’ / mothering and ignore threats and insults while peacefully calming a threatening situation…

    This has been one of my biggest challenges so far and what I’m most focusing on melting now…

    Cool I feel 🙂 how all i addres reflects on my healing

  224.  #224Daria on March 13, 2013 at 8:39 am

    Violette – yay I feel smily 🙂

  225.  #225Daria on March 13, 2013 at 8:44 am

    I actually took a big step w this last nite and instead of resenting Nanny CD to myself cuz he was declining to come hang out with me when I had asked cuz I needed a ride.

    I actually wrote him that I actually feel angry with this and dont feel comfortable dating when after this time (since thanksgiving) I am not able to get a ride… Yay me !

    I felt so good about myself! And didn’t blame and used ‘it’s not your fault’ twice ! Yay ! And I actually Felt it wasn’t his fault too which felt reassuring that I’m getting there

  226.  #226Daria on March 13, 2013 at 8:47 am

    Last nite I was at a gfs place and she complained I was being loud. I now see I feel bad not having left then.

    I felt like I wasn’t being listened to /important hearing that.

    I now feel numb in my face.

    I feel so angry and humiliated.

    I feel unconfortable feeling this.

    I feel sigh.

    I feel glad I’m seeing this and healing it.

    Thank you Daria for being so brave to feel this for my healing.

  227.  #227Daria on March 13, 2013 at 8:52 am

    When I don’t express my anger in the moment, later on there’s still anger but there’s also humiliation.

    I love my humiliation.

    I feel sad not hearing from my neighbor date…


  228.  #228Bijou on March 13, 2013 at 9:20 am

    I am new here (a week) and I was wondering where I can post questions on CDing? I wanted to know how to handle incoming emails and texts – with feeling messages?
    Also, how do you deal with the dates and paying challenges in this economy? From what I understand, us sirens are not supposed to pay for dates, at least not in the beginning, correct?

  229.  #229GlowStix on March 13, 2013 at 9:28 am


    A great way to look at it, or express it “It feels good when a man comes to me and takes me out. I can be happy doing anything, a picnic or a walk.”

    Dates don’t have to cost a lot or be super fancy to be romantic and allow you to stay in the feminine roll.

  230.  #230GlowStix on March 13, 2013 at 9:34 am

    Hmmm and i’m thinking now…If a certain financial stability is a must have for a person, they may not agree…But for me I had a wake up call when Rori answered a question and said “WHAT do you need his money for anyways?” …I had been so focused on trying to get him to take me out and pay for more stuff when I realized, I didn’t need his money or need him to make more money. I just needed to keep myself in the feminine role and I could do that without dinners out and dancing and movies.

  231.  #231Bijou on March 13, 2013 at 9:55 am

    Thanks GlowStix – that is a great idea and a great way to say it. I have to keep practicing the “feelings” messages so I don’t have to think so much BEFORE I say anything. It works ok in text and email since I don’t have to respond right away.
    Money isn’t important to me, but I don’t want a guy to think I am a gold digger if I think he should pay.
    So even if the distance between us is great, say at least an hour drive time, the guy should always come to you, correct to keep yourself in the feminine role? Is it ever ok to go to him? If he asks? If you’ve been dating for awhile? Just trying to figure out the details of CDing a little better.

  232.  #232GlowStix on March 13, 2013 at 10:07 am


    The general practice is to have him come to you. I am of the thought, that if you are exclusive with a man and within a committed relationship, it is okto go to him. I am always finding new ways to keep my energy feminine and stay in that role while also living part time at his place and being the only driver in my relationship.

  233.  #233GlowStix on March 13, 2013 at 10:09 am

    The bottom line is finding ways to feel soft and strong and having boundaries and communicating, that work best for you as an individual.

  234.  #234GlowStix on March 13, 2013 at 10:11 am

    It’s quiet on the blog…

  235.  #235Memulo on March 13, 2013 at 10:24 am

    Thank you Daria, much appreciated.

  236.  #236Memulo on March 13, 2013 at 10:32 am

    I feel fear coming and going, but less fear than before which is good. I still question sometimes if it was right to push him away. And if I wasn’t still missing smartcd so much would I have done it or not.
    GS said – make room for the amazing and I hope the amazing will happen;) but it may not. Oh well, the past is in the past.

    I had 2 serious relationships over the past year with exceptional men. One made me dream, but didn’t want to commit to me and the other wanted to commit so badly, but he didn’t make me dream. Maybe my next guy will have both?

  237.  #237Mercedes on March 13, 2013 at 10:34 am

    GlowStix: “The bottom line is finding ways to feel soft and strong and having boundaries and communicating, that work best for you as an individual.” – I agree completely! I think that’s why we can learn so much from, not only coaches, but from each other as well. We hear lots of things, process lots of advice and listen to other stories and then, in the end, take what resonates with us and makes us feel good. 🙂

    Much Love,

  238.  #238Violette on March 13, 2013 at 10:42 am

    Daria, that is inspiring that you said what you felt to nannycd. I dream of saying and expressing myself, whatever it is, and not worrying so much about hurting a guy’s feelings, without being cold and uncaring. I love that you are exploring that, and it feels freeing to hear.

    Memulo I know what you mean about feeling always on guard with guys. I feel that way too, but in my case that’s a) because I never learned how to interact with a guy as a woman in a way that worked for me so it’s still very new to me and b) because I’m not always drawn to “easy”guys, or maybe there aren’t as many of them, so I find myself dating men who do require me to be vigilant with my boundaries, to be more careful with them.

    I believe that as I continue dating I’ll learn more how to attract and be attracted to the kinds of men I can relax and be myself around more.

  239.  #239Violette on March 13, 2013 at 10:45 am

    Memulo if you felt good going to his house that’s all that matters. I have made big mistakes finding myself “caught” at a man’s house, and I did feel like I was on his turf and he had the power in a sense. I really am trying to avoid it in the early stages from here on out. And these are guys who drove like 45 min to pick me up and take me to their houses! But that’s me, and I think it’s great if you feel comfortable to do something that you can just do it!

    Who knows why he didn’t call. But who wants to be with a guy who doesn’t call, right?

  240.  #240Memulo on March 13, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Violette, thank you, I think your comments are for Emerson;)

    I only go to guys’ houses when I feel very comfortable and after knowing them for some time and if I believe there is a potential for something serious. also if I do I let them know what to expect in advance (i. e. No intimacy)

  241.  #241IamHis on March 13, 2013 at 11:07 am

    @210 Ulii – awww, sweet girl, thank you soooo much! It means a great deal to me that you understood where I was coming from and why I believe the way I do. Thank you sooooo much again!!!

  242.  #242Emerson on March 13, 2013 at 11:10 am

    I feel needy and teary and angry

    I’m about to start my period

    I also feel beautiful today and pouty and sireny

    Im all mixed up lol


  243.  #243MovingMagic on March 13, 2013 at 11:32 am

    To me, going to a mans house is all about the way I frame my thoughts around it. Can I go & hold onto my boundaries? What are my boundaries? Do I have expectations? If so, what sre they & why? My intention these days is to take full ownership of my experiences/responses to them. If I choose to sleep with a man do I expect certain behavior afterwards? Better yet, can I look at the experience as a gift, letting it go afterwards? There are no guarantees…only experiences.

  244.  #244Femininewoman on March 13, 2013 at 12:10 pm


    2. Seeing a man twice a month is not even considered “dating”. This is very casual, and you should be dating many men.
    3. You should NEVER “go to him”at this stage of “dating”
    He should pick you up and take you on dates. Simple
    4. You are calling him
    I do not want to tell you that this is hopeless, but it doesn’t sound good.
    …and you have so much work you can do for yourself that will help you so much!
    So – stop chasing him in any way (if you feel yourself even THINKING about him – you’re chasing him in your mind).
    Doing the work for yourself that’s available to you here on the blog and in my ebook Have The Relationship You Want will not only help you on your own insides – it’s likely to significantly improve this situation…
    Love, Rori

  245.  #245Indigo on March 13, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    I can honestly say, I have felt so much needy and clingy energy shift from me, even when I’m upset. To the point that I don’t even call it needy and clingy any more, they are just “my feelings” and I sit with them and I’m not harsh with them, and I cry a little if I need to, or close my door if I’m at work. And I breathe and I allow them, and I VALIDATE them I don’t judge them.

    There’s a calm that washes over me, where I KNOW I’m going to be ok, no matter how I feel. This is so different from what I used to be, where I could feel as if my world was literally ending because of how I felt. And it’s not that my feelings have become less important, they are more so.

  246.  #246Indigo on March 13, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    I no longer fall apart, or if I do, I’m not afraid of it.

    This may sound like a strange thing to say, but I don’t despise my feelings any more, whatever they are. I’m able to be alone with them.

  247.  #247MovingMagic on March 13, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    Indigo, I loved reading what you just wrote. 🙂

  248.  #248Femininewoman on March 13, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    Eye Opening Article

    10. “You’re the best I’ve ever had.”
    He wants to pleasure you in bed, but he doesn’t want to think about the men from your past. “You suddenly think of all these guys who’ve been there and done that,” says Matt* from Big Rapids, MI. To compliment his skill in the sack, be specific to this sexual experience with him. “Say, ‘I love how it feels when you…'” suggests Dr. Brosh. “Keeping it personal ensures that the focus is on the partner, not on some general comparison.”


  249.  #249Olivia on March 13, 2013 at 4:22 pm

    I see this conversation about going to men’s houses…

    maybe my situation is different cause i am in a bf/gf exclusive relationship thing, not a dating thing. there is 7 months there, and some comfort.

    yes, it surely makes it easier for him when i go to his place (we live in a big city -it’s about a 12 min walk) BUT his apartment is more comfortable in several ways, and it works out that he is in charge of doing things for ME when we are there since it’s his apartment –cooking for me, setting the music or the tv show or suggesting a trip to the roof for a smoke. i feel more girly going to HIS place.

    and it feels like coming to my house with my room which is all soft and nice and girly is a special treat.

    so i think it depends on the situation.

  250.  #250Olivia on March 13, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    but of course early on in a dating thing, when you don’t know the guy well…

    i got stuck in many an awkward situation like that.

    if i went back in time, i would have never met them at their place without knowing the guy quite well first!

  251.  #251GlowStix on March 13, 2013 at 4:41 pm


    Sounds a lot like how I feel. I don’t like feeling obligated to entertain and I also live with my brother, so his place has always felt more relaxing and enjoyable. Now that he is moving into the suite downstairs it’s going to be a lot different and new.

    I am keeping my bedroom in mine and my brother’s suite. My choice : ) I like to have that space. He gets his man cave, I get my goddess temple lol Eventually, in a couple years, he will move up when my bro moves out and we will have room for a shared bedroom and a cave each. Will be nice.

  252.  #252joan T on March 13, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    Hello! thank you for your all help. I just e-mail you
    but it did not go through, In 1999 when his mom was
    dying of cancer, he was engaged to a Sheila, but they
    broken up, and he asked her to come back, she said,
    No. And now he still sees Mary Chris, she was around
    in 1999, he asked her to marry him, but I became friends with her, but she tolded me she did not love
    him, she was his housekeeper only. But right on front
    of me asked her. He got really mad at me. So he broke
    us up. We saw each other again, in 2011 he thought
    we could be friends, I thought he married Mary Chris, but did not do it. He asked me what direction
    he should take, I was not being selfish, so I said,
    Go be a priest. And he went to two Montastery, but he was rejected two times. So now he want to get re
    married. At our talk on 10/11/12, we were talking
    about when after 33yrs knowing him to marry me.
    For one hour we talked about everything, he was so
    very confused, he was asking himself, am I doing the right thing. I just let him talk. someone tolded
    him to start listening, and me wait and listen too.
    But I have not seen or talk to him since 10/11/12.
    I am so very worried that I lost him. For years Denny
    has been mad at me for some reason. Take Care!

  253.  #253Memulo on March 13, 2013 at 7:52 pm

    I am having a hard time lately getting attention on a dating site. Wonder what’s wrong. Same nice pictures and same nice profile. Guys look and don’t respond to me. Errr

  254.  #254Indigo on March 13, 2013 at 9:03 pm

    Thank you MovingMagic 🙂 I love being at this place in my life.

  255.  #255Violette on March 13, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    Re 239, sorry Memulo, I meant Emerson…thanks for correcting me!

  256.  #256Violette on March 13, 2013 at 10:19 pm

    Today was sexy and summery, and I found myself wanting desperately to call T back. I didn’t. Eventually I remembered some of the things he did when we were dating that felt like crap, like cancelling on me last minute because a friend was in town all of a sudden, then later finding out it was a girl. And it released something in me. I felt the pain of it, and I felt very loving in letting him go. I did sort of the same thing with J…since I’ve been craving him too. I send them forgiveness and let them go.

    I don’t feel ashamed of being alone anymore. I am actively dating, that’s where I’m at in my life. I’m beautiful, I’m exploring myself and stabilizing in my career, and I’m dating, and exploring myself with dating. The marriage part is up to the men.

  257.  #257Libelula on March 13, 2013 at 10:26 pm

    Violette – Can you talk some more how you “send (the men you crave, but know aren’t right for you) forgiveness and let them go”? I’m curious about this. Especially as Mr UnA has contacted me and I’m trying not to reconnect with him. It sounds like a great way to take care of myself & not become negative. Thanks

  258.  #258Emerson on March 13, 2013 at 10:27 pm

    I had a good day today and I feel much better. I’m still pms but I’m starting to tell myself it’s ok to feel in a funk sometimes and just roll thru the feelings….
    It’s okaaayyyy !!
    I know I will pop back and feel better…I used to be scared of the prolonged “down” times but I’m better at bouncing myself back nowadays …
    ExoticCD texts me today his standard hi how are you and I’m thinking of how to respond…
    Maybe say I feel bored with texts and see what he says…..I feel scared but imma do it!

  259.  #259Emerson on March 13, 2013 at 10:28 pm

    “Today was sexy and summery …”
    I love this !! 🙂

  260.  #260Indigo on March 13, 2013 at 10:43 pm

    It’s occurred to me recently, for the many-eth time, how happiness comes in so many different forms and there are so many different variables for every human being.

    I want to commit myself to my own happiness, no matter how it may look to others.

    I believe, more than ever, that I will find contentment in a relationship.

  261.  #261Indigo on March 13, 2013 at 10:49 pm

    Annie 97

    I am very interested in the dynamic of anger, and I don’t think shouting or raising one’s voice in and of itself is bad behaviour. Some people’s personalities simply lead them to be loud and animated when they are trying to communicate or feeling a strong emotion. This doesn’t feel threatening or bad to me at all.

    To me, it only feels bad if there is an undercurrent of unresolved rage or the person is afraid of how they might act if they really allow their feelings.

    I think it is possible as a bystander, like Rori talks about a lot, to develop the skill of being like a lightning rod for other people’s strong emotions, so they are able to express them and feel safe doing so, because you are strong enough to handle it.

  262.  #262Emerson on March 13, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    261 wow indigo very insightful I like it!!

  263.  #263Annie on March 14, 2013 at 4:02 am

    2. Seeing a man twice a month is not even considered “dating”. This is very casual, and you should be dating many men.

    How is this realistically possible for the person who wrote in to Rori.

    To me the word ‘should’ is arguing with the reality of what she is able to do due to the reality of her circumstances.

  264.  #264Indigo on March 14, 2013 at 4:12 am

    Thanks Emerson 🙂

    My mom was filled with rage for many years, and so I had a lot of opportunity to study it (whilst at the same time being very hurt and bewildered by it). But it had a happy ending.

    And then, predictably or unpredictably, I fell in love with a man with rage issues.

  265.  #265Annie on March 14, 2013 at 7:00 am

    Ty for sharing Indigo, feels good to hear it had a happy ending.

    What happened?

  266.  #266Aleu on March 14, 2013 at 7:26 am

    I have recently started becoming intimate with a close friend. I know he cares for me but we are not a couple. I think that he is starting to want to go out on dates again after recently getting out of a bad relationship. He hasn’t asked me out on a date, and he comes back to me anyway. I don’t like to refer to the term “friends with benefits” but I think that is the relationship we have. Are your tools designed for this type of relationship? Is it possible for me to turn his friendly affection for me into something more?

  267.  #267Rori Raye on March 14, 2013 at 7:32 am

    Aleu, Welcome – and, like all other relationships – the only way a FWB experience can turn into something real is if the man is, and has always been, crazy for you. Look for that. Love, Rori

  268.  #268CurvySiren10 on March 14, 2013 at 7:33 am

    Indigo, very insightful. Very well expressed thoughts. And as an aside, “rage” can look and feel differently depending on your experience. (ie your mom) “Rage” is often a protective response to a belief being threatened. It’s like the “watchdog” inside of us that barks to warn us of impending danger. The real key is learning to pat it on it’s head and thank it for the warning, while taking over in a more controlled manner. It’s a complex subject but a very important one in relationships.

  269.  #269Jilly on March 14, 2013 at 8:56 am

    Well…I’m a married woman!!! 🙂 And it feels so good and right. I do have the relationship I’ve always hoped for!! Thanks to Rori, and this blog and all of the women here, and to myself for trusting myself enough to be vulnerable and authentic!! Life is great!!

    I feel so blessed!! The wedding felt magical. It was in a rustic yet elegant place and I had ivory as my color with soft pinks as an accent with candles every where, it felt so romantic. I’ll be posting more pics on Facebook as soon as my sister in law has them ready. 🙂 I have actually never pictured having a wedding (just eloping) but if I could ever picture a “dream wedding” that was it!

  270.  #270Smile on March 14, 2013 at 9:14 am

    Yey jilly!!!

  271.  #271Smile on March 14, 2013 at 9:17 am

    Hi sirens, well I feel disappointed, we haven’t been able to see each other for a week due to his shifts and my plans but we had made plans for the start of next week, and now he can’t do that due to something to do with his house and tenants.

    I’m going to send…
    ‘ah, I see, well that’s a shame and I feel a bit disappointed but I understand.’

    What do you sirens think?

  272.  #272Memulo on March 14, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Congratulations Jilly!! Love and happiness;)

  273.  #273Jilly on March 14, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Thanks Smile and Memulo! 🙂

    Smile…that sounds authentic to me…maybe leave off the first part and start with “I feel…” I don’t think it matters to much though.

  274.  #274Jilly on March 14, 2013 at 9:51 am


  275.  #275Indigo on March 14, 2013 at 9:53 am


    Absolutely! I’m a real believer in getting the message or warning behind the emotion, and using your skills and emotional intelligence to respond in a thoughtful way.

    I absolutely agree rage is a message from our inner being when a belief is being challenged, and there is also a theory that rage is an intensification of anger when a boundary has been violated and we haven’t dealt with it.

    It’s such an important topic in relationships, and I have seen people I love battle with it, and honestly I think they suffer more than anyone when they can’t handle it constructively.

  276.  #276Indigo on March 14, 2013 at 10:04 am


    (sharing very deeply here) My mom had an explosive temper when I was growing up. Shouting, yelling, swearing, slamming doors, throwing things, exploding into fits of rage, she even became physically violent on a couple of occasions. And small things would set her off. It totally hurt and devastated me as a child and into my young adulthood, and I was sensitive.

    I moved out of home, found myself, found my strength, found my confidence and assertiveness and found the courage to challenge her bad behaviour and speak the truth fearlessly. I became strong physically and emotionally and I just simply didn’t tolerate being treated badly by her in any way. It was a bit scary at times but slowly over time my mom’s rage began to heal and dissipate exponentially. I began to heal and forgive, and eventually she came to me and apologised for all the years.

    These days we have a very calm, very close, incredibly safe, bonded and authentic relationship. My mom’s anger does surface from time to time but it is rare and over quickly.

  277.  #277Femininewoman on March 14, 2013 at 10:07 am

    Yayyy!!!!! Jilly 🙂

  278.  #278Indigo on March 14, 2013 at 10:11 am


    I think your message is very understanding. Is that really how you feel?

  279.  #279Smile on March 14, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Thanks jilly 🙂

    Indigo, yes, I feel I am an understanding person, I’m seeing him the day after and will be flying out to see him on hol the week after that. I don’t feel all piney as I’m a busy bee and have a full life as does he… But… I do feel disappointed as I was looking forward to it 🙁 in the past I might have been a bit dramatic and sulky in my reaction and felt like I hadn’t been put first. I do want to feel like I’m put first but I know sometimes unavoidable things come up. It’s not like I’ve been sacked off for a boys night otherwise I wouldn’t be so understanding lol. Thanks 🙂

  280.  #280Smile on March 14, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Aw, I feel disappointed  and I understand. I will look forward to Monday when it’s sorted.

    A few tweaks…

    Im not over analysing I’m just practising 🙂

  281.  #281Daria on March 14, 2013 at 10:30 am

    “How Being A Girl Works Even In A Parking Lot…

    Hi, This is Rori,

    So I’m at Trader Joes. I’m in the parking lot, I’ve just loaded the groceries into my trunk, and I’m deciding what to do with the empty cart.

    I really want to just leave it there, I’m tired, but I take the handle and start across the lot to put it with the other carts. Out of the corner of my eye, I see two men walking from their car toward the market, walking almost directly to me on their way…and I have an empty cart in my hands.

    For an instant, I consider that they’d take the cart from me. Either use it themselves, or just take it for me to where the carts are supposed to hang out.

    And then I blink. I go back to my overachieving, “I don’t need anyone” stance, and I don’t smile at them, try to get their attention, or plain out even ask them.

    As though I’m saying “I don’t want to ask anyone for anything.”

    I’m very, very aware of how this is going on in me, as I roll the cart back to where it belongs. I’m very aware of how I avoided this moment that’s a for-sure Rori Raye moment.

    This is how I would have liked it to go:

    1. I assume that every man on the planet wants to help me, because, just like every woman, I’m adorable.

    2. I then see, walking smack toward me, not one man, but two. Tall, capable, seemingly decent men.

    3. I go into the Rori Raye Dance Position, smile, look right at the men, and assume they will stop talking with each other and instantly look over at me.

    4. I assume that the moment they see me, they will smile back.

    5. I assume that they will either see my empty cart and want to walk to me and do something with the cart (either take it to use it, or take it to save me a trip) OR, if they are clueless, that I will speak up – Not in a “helpful to them” way like this: “Would you like this cart?” but like this: “Hi.” And then..

    6. I assume that they will say “Hi” back, and either offer to take the cart, OR I’ll speak up again:

    7. Again, not “Would you like this cart?” – but in a flirty way, like: “I’d love to hand off this cart,” or “It’d feel great if you’d park this cart for me…”

    And whoa – that’s a heck of a lot, isn’t it?

    And yet – that’s the way these things go once you actually start with the #1 on the list here: Assuming you’re adorable and that every man knows it – even if you’re not his “type” or his “one.

    And not because I would have been aggressive, or assertive, or tried to get a man to do something for me. No, not coming from Masculine energy, but in simply offering a man an opportunity to do something for me. Which is, in fact, what a man lives for. Some men don’t know it, but that’s what he lives for – to serve YOU.

    Okay – so this sounds anti-feminist, but it’s not. It’s the complete reverse – it’s totally about strong femininity. It’s not at all about getting a man to “take care of you” – it’s about letting down your guard and letting a man Connect with you.

    Another important thing here is that I took this moment – where I wish I’d practiced my own Tools instead of stepping up to the plate because I didn’t want to open myself up and appear weak or demanding – and got over it real quick.

    I wrote it down here. I broke down the moments that I could do differently next time. And I shared it with you.

    It’s tiny little moments like these that turn into life-changing shifts. One day you decide to stop doing things for yourself just because you can, and allow a man to do it for you.

    One day you stop beating yourself up for everything and start loving your imperfections and mistakes…and from there – it’s coasting all the way to Happy

    Ever After.

    Love – and remember to let go of the empty shopping cart to the first man you see – Rori”

  282.  #282Daria on March 14, 2013 at 10:33 am

    wow Jilly that feels AWESOME to read 🙂 Congratulations!

  283.  #283Daria on March 14, 2013 at 10:43 am

    I’ve Been Skimming…

    thank you for the compliment GlowStix 🙂

    and for the smile Arabian Love 🙂

  284.  #284Femininewoman on March 14, 2013 at 10:43 am

    Daria isn’t that email from Rori just absolutely awesome. I love it.

  285.  #285Daria on March 14, 2013 at 10:47 am

    Femininewoman – yes! i feel goo reading you words…

    i always felt shocked and inspired by this story/example of hers, and now she broke it down even more…

    i feel quivery trembly imagining practicing it… ahhhh… runs and hides face in imagination

  286.  #286Femininewoman on March 14, 2013 at 10:49 am

    I absolutely can imagine myself doing it just to practice.

  287.  #287GlowStix on March 14, 2013 at 11:04 am


    Thank you for re-posting that! What great reminder. I’m not so aware of my surroundings these days and i’d like to re-open to the atmosphere and what’s going on around me so I can start grabbing those opportunities again.

  288.  #288GlowStix on March 14, 2013 at 11:15 am


    I can’t help but like your FM there! It sounds a lot like what I might say, and how I might feel. <3 I think it's perfection!

  289.  #289Smile on March 14, 2013 at 11:16 am

    Hmm just read this from Rori…

    ‘And I looked back to our very first date, and saw clear as a bell all the red flags that were right in my face. Red flags I never wanted to see. He was still hung up on his ex-wife. She was actually still in his life. He was always doing things for her. He was there for her. He talked about her.’

    I’m not sure he is ‘hung up’ on her… But he does talk about her. I don’t think he has plans to divorce her any time soon… There are pics still on fb of them together.., do I want this for me? He males me feel amazing.., I know I want all the feelings I get from being around him… I think I’m lookinging into the future too much?

  290.  #290Smile on March 14, 2013 at 11:17 am

    Aw thank you glow stixs 🙂 xx

  291.  #291Smile on March 14, 2013 at 11:21 am

    As far as I know they don’t have contact apart from about the house… Which is maybe why I’m feeling a bit anxious because of our Sunday plans being cancelled for the house stuff.

    Rori says all that matters is how he makes you feel in each moment and that he is moving things forward.

    I must remember this. I feel great and yes he is moving things forward. Bye bye little over thinking gremlins please move on now

  292.  #292Memulo on March 14, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    Smile, did you ask him how he feels about his ex-wife and whether hexhas any divorce plans?

  293.  #293Femininewoman on March 14, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    I wouldn’t ask him that question Memulo. To me it would put her into his emotional body and his imagination, maybe causing him to be fixated on her and the good feelings he had. Otherwise feeling guilty about moving forward with the divorce and second guessing himself. I would want to keep the focus on me.

  294.  #294Memulo on March 14, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    FW, how about saying that I see myself eventually in a loving relationship and happily married and it would feel good to know that this is what he wants for himself as well.

    Btw, FW, your words translate into fear to me. What if his feelings are still present? What if he doesn’t really want to get divorced? What if he is not ready for emotional reasons to go shed with the divorce, but perfectly ready to hang out with me? Don’t you think I’d rather know than hope it will be ok in the end? Sorry, I don’t mean to sound harsh;)

  295.  #295Femininewoman on March 14, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    What if he doesn’t really want to get divorced? These questions sound focussed on an agenda, an outcome, an end goal.

    It will come out without your needing to probe. He also likely said something somewhere between the first and second dates about where he’s at, and if you are paying attention you would hear.

    I would rather share what I want in my life and when I want it.

  296.  #296Femininewoman on March 14, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    I believe if you find yourself at a place where you are wanting more and the relationship is stalled you can say I find myself wanting more, I would like (fill in the blanks), by………… What do you see for us in____________?

  297.  #297elsie on March 14, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    Has anyone else had a problem.with the blog? Im showing its now banned from my work to get on but im not sure why because there is never any bad content on here?!?!? Just wondering….

  298.  #298Memulo on March 14, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    Yeah, I’m just not into much guessing these days;)

    Feeling that miss security of having someone after me lol. Silly, I know. I’m keeping myself busy, study and exercise, and am going out with friends both tonight and tomorrow. Weekend will be a bit tough.

  299.  #299Femininewoman on March 14, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    I got the banned message also several times. I reported it and they had not heard about it. But I have not been experiencing it anymore. Also it was only on some articles.

  300.  #300Femininewoman on March 14, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    Memulo don’t you like your own company?

  301.  #301Memulo on March 14, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    Btw I find that they respect you more when you ask these questions in a normal human way, because it’s expected that you want to take care of your needs.

  302.  #302Femininewoman on March 14, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    Elsie I wondered just today how comes I have not seen you posting.

  303.  #303Femininewoman on March 14, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    I don’t know Memulo. I know men are more into thinking than feeling so when asked how they “feel” many don’t even know how to answer. They will follow a woman’s lead into that territory.

    A litany of questions can be experience as intrusive. I remember Rori’s article about being his inquisitor. What ifs says all kinds of things about the inquisitor, including needy. It also feels like a job interview.

  304.  #304Memulo on March 14, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    Sometimes FW;) I feel disappointed that I couldn’t even get myself a date for the weekend.
    Now dating will be tougher. I’ve got to find someone to dream with and who will treat me well. To be honest, that’s how i started so I stayed alone for a while;) and everyone told me -why don’t you find Mr Right for now? And it didn’t feel right, so I did not. Oh well, it should happen one day.

  305.  #305Femininewoman on March 14, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Now dating will be tougher – What a limiting belief

    I’ve got to find someone – What a heavy, urgent task

    How about spending some time finding your passions, trying new things and amping up you happy content vibrations.

  306.  #306Turquoise on March 14, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I ran into Mr. Conversation last night at the grocery store. We didn’t talk, basically just sheepish half smiles at each other. I wish it wasn’t like this. I wish we had just been friends and maintained that. I miss him in my life.

    I’m very excited to be going with my BFF to a college friends’ 40th birthday tomorrow. It’s out of town, a surprise, I won’t know many people there… but I don’t mind. I am really looking forward to seeing her, meeting new people… enjoying the night.

    Sweetheart is choosing to go to a party that I really don’t want to go to Saturday night. It was nice he invited me, but we went at New Years and it was crazy, totally not my thing and I couldn’t wait to leave. Part of me feels bad that he wants to go there more than see me, but I want him to do what he wants and see his friends.. and am SO glad I felt comfortable enough to tactfully decline. He keeps telling me how much he wants to see me, kiss me, he misses me… but I don’t feel chosen. I think that is what this all comes down to.

  307.  #307Femininewoman on March 14, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    Turquoise just a thought. How confident do you feel? Do you tell yourself “I radiate confidence”. I ask because I am wondering if you are in a place where you want nothing from Mr. Conversation why not just go up to him and say hi. Or contact him via text let him know you wonder at times about touching base with him but whatever he chooses to say is fine with even, if it is no. Maybe let him know that you still appreciate his helping in getting your business set up and feel awkward to not be in touch at least once in a while.

    If you don’t want a relationship with him this would just be being friendly rather than initiating and taking the masculine role in a relationship.

  308.  #308Turquoise on March 14, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    Congratulations Jilly!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 I’m estatically happy for you!

    FW, I love the article about the shopping cart! Especially the line about not worrying if you are his type or his one. WOW, so fantastic. I can’t wait to practice.

    I did notice a lot of handsome men when I went to get my lunch today…. it was awesome, got me looking at who and what was around me, and out of my head! 🙂

  309.  #309Turquoise on March 14, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    FW, we have texted a few times recently. My daughters’ birthday party is next weekend and she wanted to invite his daughter, so I checked with him first to see if it would be ok. He replied and she is coming. I’ve been feeling fairly confident lately. It was kind of nice, he saw us first last night, my daughter actually said he was staring at us… but we were laughing and talking kind of loudly… about pie, of all things. Today was pie day and my oldest was choosing one to take to math class. But he walked the other way, then the girls took off and went a different way, passed him again and he said hi, they said hi, but I wasn’t with them. At the checkout, he got in line behind us,(i didn’t see him) didn’t say anything, but then another cashier asked him to step to her line. I glanced over my shoulder to see him watching me, and he gave a faint smile. I did too and said hi, but then turned around and left with my girls. Living in the same town, we are going to run into each other. I don’t want his help anymore with my business, just want to be able to have a conversation and it not feel uncomfortable. But, at this point, he’s not reaching out. So, it is what it is. Next time I’ll give a fuller smile and actually use my normal voice to say hi…. I think it came out like a whisper.

    I feel like if he wanted me in his life, even as a friend…. he’d make a move. I do remember him saying thought about his ex, that if she really wanted him back, why wasn’t she trying harder? Why wouldn’t she be making a lot of effort?

    It would just feel like chasing to me. I sent him a birthday text and he replied. I sent him a funny picture about a month ago, he replied and we sent a few texts back and forth, and then I contacted him about the party. None of it was to get him back, or with any expectation. I just wish we could break the ice.

    Maybe this is one of those situations where I should just act like everything is ok, perfectly normal when I see him…. a fake it til I make it opportunity? What do you think?

  310.  #310Femininewoman on March 14, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    What I think Turq is maybe I would friendzone him in my mind. Don’t think of him as relationship material at all. Or think of him as my brother. Then focus on interacting with him from that place. Reason being that I believe I can talk to even strangers on the subway or bus. I have. So why not talk to someone I know. Review Rori’s Snack article and see if it helps your mind to shift. I believe I should be able to look them smack in the face and talk if there is no emotional charge.

  311.  #311Femininewoman on March 14, 2013 at 2:26 pm

    I do remember him saying thought about his ex, that if she really wanted him back, why wasn’t she trying harder? Why wouldn’t she be making a lot of effort?

    This is his insecurity talking and his ego won’t allow him to admit that he feels insecure.

    I don’t think I would be acknowledging his birthday or sending any funny anything. I can imagine this could feel like chasing to maybe tiptoe around the elephant in the room. I would use the opportunity I see him next time to let him know how awkward it feels to not be able to unguardedly catch up when we see each other but respect if that is not what he wants to do.

    The interaction kinda feels like highschool.

  312.  #312Femininewoman on March 14, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    Turq I wonder how Rori’s Trade Joe’s parking lot email would serve you here. With all those assumptions that she suggest, how could you invite him in. Just so you get to practice being a girl.

  313.  #313Turquoise on March 14, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    FW, I sent the happy birthday text because I feel everyone should feel cared about it thought of, on their birthday. He has a terrible family situation and I feel quite sad for him about that. He replied thank you and how much he appreciated it. I let it go there. The funny picture was something that reminded me if him, and I was hoping might break the ice. This was 6 weeks later, at least. Certain school things are coming up that we will see each other and I was hoping that might be seen as raising the white flag…. So we wouldn’t ignore each other in person. I won’t send anything else or lean forward and I have friend zoned him. The song Wanted by Hunter Hayes has been coming on constantly. It represents how I want to feel in a relationship. Chosen. There is that word again. Hmmmm.

  314.  #314Violette on March 14, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    Libelula, thanks for asking! I have an amazing friend who is great at dating, and when T recontacted me, she related a similar time, when a guy had contacted her after disappearing…she said there was no right or wrong choice, I could either choose to reengage, and do more “research,” but keeping in mind that I had already given him a lot of opportunities to step up and fill my needs and he never really got it, and didn’t seem like someone who is capable of dating in a way that would satisfy me, or I could let it go, knowing that dating him really tied up my energy, and knowing that I’ve been dating much better men for me since I was last seeing him.

    The lightbulb for me has to do with choosing men who can make me happy, who have their focus on pleasing me…T would leave long messages talking about himself and when HE was free to see me, it wasn’t really about me and my schedule and how I was…

    I feel like dating is work, whoever I’m dating. So do I want to work for no money (rewards…attention…whatever) or do I want to work for great money (guys who want to please me).

    Does that make sense?

  315.  #315Tereana on March 14, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    Hello ladies! I have been off-blog for a while – being very busy and taking care of myself, and facing feelings and fears.

    I had some interesting dreams last night, which both seemed significant. I journaled them for myself, so I won’t put them here, but they both put me in a mode of calm self-centeredness, which I love. And I’m getting some good stuff accomplished today!

    one of them is coming back on the blog : )

    IamHis – I noticed you changed your name! I’m glad you kept the same avatar so that I could recognized you ; )

    I also notice that I feel a little bit triggered by the name. The same way I feel triggered by any mention or suggestion of a woman “belonging” to a man. Like some kind of possession. I find this to be a deeply disturbing idea, and I kind of know why, but I kind of don’t. Which is part of why I think I struggle in relationships with men sometimes. they may want to “claim” me. But I feel resistant to that in deep ways that I do not even fully understand. Why? I don’t know yet. That’s what I think I am here (in my life) to discover.

    I think it may have something to do with past trauma, but I don’t know what that is yet. All I know is, I don’t know if I want to be “claimed” just now. I don’t know that I want to be a piece of property. But I wouldn’t mind getting into a true soul partnership, where we are each living our lives together, side-by-side, and supporting each other. That sounds really…mm, yummy and spicy and gooey all at the same time, like molasses with cayenne pepper. On toast, or in warm water, like tea, with a bit of ginger. yes!

  316.  #316Smile on March 14, 2013 at 3:51 pm

    Thanks memulo and FW,

    Yes we’ve shared what we want for the future etc and we want the same things, he often refers to his future goals and plans etc and I know the reasons why he’s not divorced.

    When my insecurities come up I know it’s my fear because strummingman went back to his ex. Rori refered to the red flags and looking back they were there clear as day with him. I need to rest my mind that not all guys go back to their ex.

  317.  #317Turquoise on March 14, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    Violette….. I love the analogy. Relationships are work, am I volunteering, with no pay…. Or am I being rewarded for my time, participation and energy? Thank you for sharing that.

    Te- I am his is referring to G0d. Funny what you said about not sure you want to feel claimed, like property, I am wanting to feel chosen, that I’m significantly important and the one they want most.

  318.  #318Tereana on March 14, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    So here is my latest dating adventure!

    Last night I went out with a guy that I met over the weekend, at a dance party. It was a fun party! We stayed late together – his friends left, and he stayed to dance with me. My friends left, and I stayed because I wasn’t ready to leave yet ; ) And when I left, he rode the bus with me, and called me his “mermaid.” Yum : )

    Then he contacted me and we went on a date last night. Here’s the best part! Well, it was the best part for me, at least. He’s just my type (Indian, right ; ), so I asked him – if I had an Indian name, what would it be? So he gave me two. The first was a long, beautiful name. I asked, what does it mean? He said “wealth.”


    Okay. Lol. I need to let that one settle in again. Because here I am, feeling so NOT wealthy. And yet, this random man who I’ve barely even met, has given me a name, and it seems not insignificant that it means “wealth.” It means two things to me – that he could see value in me and that I could be valuable to him. But also just – wow. I might not “feel” valuable or wealthy or abundant. But the Universe knows my name, and my name, in a way, IS Wealth. That is such a beautiful thought to me. I felt honored. And I thanked him for choosing that name.

    The other name he chose was a short one that means “water drop.” How cute!! 🙂 I love that he picked that one, too. It just seems so precious and tiny and beautiful, like a jewel that is made of water. And I love water, I love swimming, and my Scorpio moon sign is a water sign. So I love that name, too. I said it would make a good “nickname.” Kind of like an endearment. “my little water drop.” Teehee. That sounds so sweet!

    He kissed me before he got off the train at his stop.

    And I haven’t heard from him today, but I’m not obsessing about it, either. I’ve found that it’s gotten a little bit easier to “lean back.” Part of me still wants to send a little “thank you” message or something. But instead I’m taking a step back – from myself, actually – and talking to myself differently. Where I found myself saying in my mind that if I’m the one to make contact and say things and try to direct the flow of what happens, then I’m not giving *him* a chance to decide and feel whatever he feels. And I’m not here to decide what that feeling is, or how it appears. Besides, he had said “see you next week” or “talk to you next week” or something like that. So I figure, he’s working, he’s got plans. He’ll get in touch with me when he wants to and feels ready. And my only job is to focus on ME and my stuff. Which is really pretty important. Because I am still “in process.” So I want to get to where I want to be, emotionally and financially. And that’s my main goal, because I don’t want “a guy” to help me out with that – or rather, I don’t want to put pressure on a guy to feel like helping me out with what really is my own business of taking care of and loving me. I.e. If I let him do it so that I don’t have to.

    Holy crap – THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN DOING!!

    Lol. yeah, that’s totally it. I’ve been expecting other people to love me so that I DON’T HAVE TO. Even when I “think” I’m loving myself, it doesn’t mean that I really have been. And I’m waking up (slowly) to the idea that “loving myself” means something very different from what I’ve been taking it to mean all this time. It’s a really practical, basic thing. But now when I think about it in this other way, I realize that it really is what I’ve been missing all this time. Making myself a priority doesn’t mean that I am “more important” than anyone else. It doesn’t mean that I put myself “above” others. But it does mean that my basic needs are met and cared for. And a lot of people – my friends, at least – have really been filling in the gap that I’ve been leaving in my own life, by not really taking care of myself.

    Wow, this is really kind of eye-opening.

    I have many names. Dress-maker. Moonlight. White light. Water drop. WEALTH.

    I feel amazing, luscious, beautiful and wanted.


  319.  #319Tereana on March 14, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    Turquoise 317 – Thank you for explaining!

    yes, that does give it a different feeling, if “IamHis” refers to G-d rather than a person/man.

    But then, what does that say about G-d? I mean, if we want to get into it – there’s the idea that G-d is, generally “a man.” So what is this “His” business? Do I want to be “claimed” by G-d either?

    I like your word “chosen.” Because I think, whether you are talking about a human being or G-d as whatever you believe G-d is, chosen seems the more apt word. For me, in religion as well. I have CHOSEN to be Jewish. And Jewish people are often called the “chosen” people. But does that mean that Jews are special? No. It’s a two-way street. G-d chooses us, and we choose G-d. We do not really “belong” to G-d as possessions.

    But I do get (I think) what she means – “his” like a child of G-d sort of thing.

    I’m still with you on the idea of choice, whether it is with G-d or in a relationship. Because the whole idea is that we have a relationship with G-d. So therefore, I believe choice should be a part of that : )

    And of course, it is Iam’s “choice” what name she wants to use ; )


  320.  #320Turquoise on March 14, 2013 at 4:58 pm

    Hmmmm T, I wasn’t even thinking of that correlation. I’m not very religious, but do believe.

    I am his girlfriend…. Wife, lover, friend…. Hmmm. I feel ok about that, because I would also say he is my….. So I guess I do want to feel claimed when its a relationship.

  321.  #321Elsie on March 14, 2013 at 5:27 pm

    @Feminine Woman – LOL – its nice to be missed!!!

    @Tereana – I love your ‘aha’ moment!!!!

    I”m glad to know that I”m not the only one that is having the same problem with the website!!! 🙂

  322.  #322Femininewoman on March 14, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    Yeah Elsie. It triggered feelings of rejection and that drive to get a reason why and to convince that I am good enough.

  323.  #323Femininewoman on March 14, 2013 at 7:03 pm

    Turq – I hear ya, especially about the chosen. I know love is a choice. I wonder also about trust. Just plain trusting that I am loved regardless. Sometimes the other person can do it in just the right way that hits the spot for us. Oh boy.

  324.  #324Turquoise on March 14, 2013 at 8:44 pm

    FW, trust is probably a huge part of it. I believe I’ll know in my gut, when its right and feels real, solid, substantial and that it’s what I deeply want and need.

  325.  #325Emerson on March 14, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    281 wow so helpful!!
    I love this

  326.  #326Emerson on March 14, 2013 at 9:27 pm

    I need to keep making changes… I feel fed up with my living situation… Something has to change….
    I am not happy.
    I need space.
    I need change.
    I feel trapped.
    I miss my “me” time….

    I have been trying to visualize what my life will be like in a relationship day to day… I feel scared…but good..

    I like my alone time.
    I feel out of touch with myself now because too much working ….

  327.  #327Emerson on March 14, 2013 at 9:32 pm

    310 FW this is what I need to do next time I see exoticCD….
    I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m learning!!

  328.  #328Tereana on March 14, 2013 at 10:22 pm

    Another one of my friends (a couple) just got engaged this past weekend! They got engaged on the same day that another couple that I know got married. I don’t know them particularly well. Actually, I have kind of a “beef” with the woman. I don’t think she knows that I have some really icky feelings towards her. All I know is that, early on, when I met her, she already seemed to be friends with all of my friends. We had something about our past in common, so I wanted to get to know her better, and maybe even be friends with her, too. I even felt like she was kind of taking my “place” as the “cool new person” on the [proverbial] block. And she has gone on to not just take my place. But seemingly kind of butt me out of the group and the circle of friends, meanwhile endearing herself to everyone, and then literally MARRYING one of the most important and prominent guys in our community. He’s and awesome guy, and I like him a lot. But I feel conflicted because I REALLY, really, really do not like this woman. Everyone else loves and respects her. Yet I see her as a manipulative person who simply knows how to engender that kind of reaction from people. But she doesn’t bother with me, either because a.) she knows I can see through her tactics (having had PLENTY of experience with manipulative women in my family), or b.) she has decided that I am not important enough in the community to waste her time on. And of course a big part of my psyche tends toward “b.” But that doesn’t feel very nice. Only it does feel more or less TRUE. And I don’t like that. Yuck. Bleh. I wish I could go back to the beginning with her and start over. Where did I go wrong?

    I met her. Then I reached out to her to meet for coffee, just to chat and be casual, to hang out. And she totally rejected me. She said she “didn’t have time” for new friends. (Apparently all her time was taking up with hanging out with and courting MY friends, and the people that I like in our community). These feelings really, really suck. And at one point, I actually felt sick to my stomach and wanted to leave their wedding celebration. I was incredibly bored, and I really didn’t care about what was happening. I was only there because I knew that a lot of other people that I knew would be attending. Yet I fantasized about the outdoor party I was missing that day in the city, that I would have had so much more fun in.

    I don’t know. Maybe it’s just not the community for me. I chose it because an old friend goes often, and is a member there (it’s a religious community). And I’ve met many other people my age. I was even a leader in the Young Adults group for a while. I don’t feel that I’ve ever been truly accepted or respected in that place. It is endlessly frustrating. And it’s painful to watch other people, who are otherwise a lot LIKE me, to step in and basically rise to “the top” – in less time than I’ve been there overall.

    And back to my other friends, who just got engaged. I didn’t even know that they were dating until months after they started. And it was less than a year ago. And here I am, still single.

  329.  #329Tereana on March 14, 2013 at 10:29 pm

    I don’t exactly feel bummed about being single. I mean, I guess I do, kind of. I could be not-single, easily. The main thing that bums me out is the fact that, I know, somehow, inside me that now is not “my time.” I know that right now, I need to be single, for some reason. To get some stuff “figured out.” To take care of my own personal crap and get it sorted so that I can BE a really great place for my man, my perfect partner to arrive. And so that I can be really, truly present for him when he is there. And really BE in the relationship, and grow there, too.

    THAt is the goal. And I know it’s going to take some work and some time to get there.

    It’s just so arduous, and sometimes hard to watch friends, and the people that I know, get together so easily. To watch them love each other, and stick with it. when all I seem to get is missed connections, random flirtations, some good dates, some bad arrangements, and overall a bunch of disappointment.

    I know this is all leading somewhere. But I gotta tell ya. This road kinda SUXKCS! lol

  330.  #330Tereana on March 14, 2013 at 10:32 pm

    Elsie #321 – Cool, thank you! What is the “same problem” you’ve been having? I feel curious…

  331.  #331Emerson on March 14, 2013 at 11:00 pm

    Hmmmphhh I don’t know what’s going on…. My CDs have cooled off except I’m meeting a new one Monday …
    I need to brainstorm some feeling g messages… Ladies ? Ideas?

  332.  #332Sirenity on March 15, 2013 at 12:02 am

    Turquoise and others ..thinking about “resuming contact after the separation” theme. It depends on your lack of investment in outcome and your security in your Sirenity and self esteem. You have to truly truly just open to possibility without wanting anything.

    I had an interesting experience over the past week . Some may recall the whole GMan story of over two years ago.Uncommitted guy who was big on the “love you not in love with you ” line, years of closeness and involvement in each others lives , started out in relationship mode and essentially sidelined me into FWB on and off over 5 years ,huge blow up and separation at the time of my cancer surgery..

    In retrospect it was my misplaced belief in potential, followed by my man crack oxytocin addiction, followed by my misplaced sense of loyalty and caring for his feelings..etc etc ..that resulted in my self esteem going down the toilet. Until I stood up for myself at last. And I have spent over 2 years forgiving myself , learning and recovering, some of it here with Rori.

    Well , I was seized last week with an urge to email him..and I did , lightly and without expectation , telling him i wanted to make right the past in some small way. It was time for me to test my Sirenity (siren skills!) .Amazingly it just happened he was in my country and in my city last weekend and wanted to meet (and he was single). I felt bland about it, barely any anticipatory nerves. I was more interested in why the Universe was placing us together for an evening. I felt right to meet and it went well.

    We laughed and cried and expressed our anger over a drink at a pub, and he asked me to come and visit him, keep in touch etc. He was touching my cheek with tear filled eyes and gave every appearance of sincerity as he left.

    He messaged me from overseas constantly and skyped me over the last few days ..and kept trying to talk about SEX. He was trying to hook me back by any means he could, into uncommitted sex and emotional support. I told him several times calmly sweetly and with gentleness that I was not wanting FWB with anyone . He said several times he was not wanting a relationship..but he kept on pursuing me , talking about me holidaying with him, all our family stuff and sex, sex ,sex.

    In the end he seemed quite angry that he couldnt get me to engage . I realised that I was just so addicted in the past i couldnt see his technique clearly. Now I can and it feels dirty, slimy, dishonouring and nasty to me.

    Now I am man crack free I realise that I adore him still BUT I DONT WANT HIS FRIENDSHIP because he is actually only looking for me to join his stable of potential F@@@s .

    He is just doing what he is doing .I see the pattern . I have grown past him. I would rather be celibate than be exploited for what I can give in terms of sex, friendship and love while getting so little in return.

    Mostly I was amazed how when I kept using FMs and the tools and” dont wants” and boundary statements, it felt real and natural and he heard me loud and clear. I felt so IN MY POWER finally after all these long years ,and I see him as rather pathetic just now.

    I am staying away from contact . Its all been initiated by him and I expect it to dry up soon.

    Thank you Universe for the chance to regain my confidence in my ability to look after me , even with someone predatory and self serving coming at me.. I really carried myself with authentic calm , self love and self respect.

    I feel fascinated to observe old circuits in my brain trying to activate “love” attachment to him..but the stronger ” love to me “circuits bringing peace of mind.

    Thank you Sirens. Be inspired . I was a desperate depressed man crack addict, now fully recovered (and it is a lot worse than cancer..)..YAAAY

  333.  #333Daria on March 15, 2013 at 12:47 am


    I’m finally allowing myself to let the ones I like in…

    Me n Sexy CD connected tonite… It feels so outta this world…

    Yes yes yes !


    Practice yay I’m jus Practicibg an it’s gona get even Better omg !

    Oh ! M ! G !

    I am so gettin what I want go D go Z. I’m feeling so yes!!

  334.  #334Daria on March 15, 2013 at 12:55 am

    These men are like Dragonz and Gods and Angel-Devils and giant and shining like the sun to me

  335.  #335Daria on March 15, 2013 at 12:55 am

    These men are like Dragonz and Gods and Angel-Deuils and giant and shining like the sun to me

  336.  #336Daria on March 15, 2013 at 12:58 am

    I feel so glad I’m letting them close to me !

    Now I feel like I gotta control how they treat me… I wanna focus on Muself and my own boundaries, not telling them what to do, what I want and how to do it

    I feel… Swept away sliding on fiery sliding ice like surface

    I want to allow pleasure

    I want to allow what I would like

  337.  #337Lizka on March 15, 2013 at 4:21 am

    I just finished my 3 days no insecurity challenge. Everytime I started feeling insecure around Cheri, I would visualise myself at the beach. I saw a slight change in the way he is with me but I have to admit that the 3rd day, I forgot a bit about the challenge and I did show some insecurity. It’s ok. I’lldo better next time.

    For the next 3 days, I feel inspired by Rori’s newsletter I received a few days ago. I want to focus on not obsessing about him. I will use the window tool every time I ask myself a question about him like “why is he different today”, “is he gonna leave me?” or even “how is he feeling with work?”. Out of the window, I will visualise my most important passion in the world: history. As a bonus, I might also go to the library and get a new history book to ready in the next week to helpo feeding this passion.

    I also want to not be all understanding and extra sweet when he does something that does not make me feel good. He si very tired with work lately and sometimes get impatient with me or with things and people in general. ButIdon’t have to be extra sweet in these situation. I could share that I don’t feel good or I could even just walk away if possible. Hmmmm

    Ok, let’s the challenge start!!! I will throw all my love out the window to my best passion when I start obsessing over him. GO!

  338.  #338Vi on March 15, 2013 at 4:24 am

    The thing is I feel like a daughter im my current exclusive relationship. And it feels like tightness in shoulders and knees and like pressing the arms to the body and seeking approval. In the prrvious exclusive relationship I felt like a mother. I was adored and it felt like being superior and wise and like I am the one who approves. And in my case I left my ‘child’ (now I wouldn’t). But it felt impossible to leave ‘pa

  339.  #339Indigo on March 15, 2013 at 4:26 am

    Sirenity 332

    This is incredible.

  340.  #340Indigo on March 15, 2013 at 4:31 am

    An ex-boyfriend (and ex friend) whom I feel nothing for came into the hospital where I work today and spent a long time in and around the area where I work.

    I found it so funny because we were walking towards each other in the passage and I could see he was determined to look right past me and I was determined to be polite. I caught his eye and greeted him warmly. He hugged me and I was amazed at how sheepish he looked and how quickly he tried to get away. I must say it is nice to have the feeling after a relationship has ended that you made absolutely the right decision and don’t miss the person at all.

  341.  #341Vi on March 15, 2013 at 4:43 am

    rent’ man. These feelings start only when a relationship becomes exclusive. I feel worried I won’t be able to feel like a woman or like me when I am dating.. it feels like a sad face. It feels a little shaky. It feels like frowny brows. And presses together lips. And tension in solar plexus. I feel afraid. I feel panic. I feel my body grouping together like a ball. Balls jump high. They can jump away. They can be played with. Or they may blast and get rid of their rubber skin and become the air anyone needs to breath. Cristal clear fresh air. I like it. I feel better now. I actually even feel okay with feeling this way.. hehe it feels funny to notice I don’t feel an urgency and like fixing it now… ) It seems like I can enjoy my life no matter what…hehe and this is really cool.

  342.  #342Turquoise on March 15, 2013 at 5:02 am

    Good morning sirens! Yesterday when I was at the store I practiced noticing everyone. I looked at all the faces. I tend to not be observant quite often. I’m working on that. It’s not a self esteem thing… I do feel good about myself, can make eye contact and smile, I feel it’s more a too in my brain thing, thinking too much about stuff. So, now I’m going to make it a priority to notice all people around me, use my senses more in my surroundings.

    Thank you Sirenity for sharing. That felt very inspiring to read. Usually when I give someone a second chance I realize they weren’t as perfect as I thought, and I lose interest quickly. I thought maybe I just wanted it to end on my terms, but maybe it’s realizing I can be happy and content without them, less intrigued.
    Mr. Conversation wasn’t like anyone else I dated. I hadn’t felt that connected since my husband. Looking back on it, it’s easy to see the mistakes I made, but I don’t believe that even if I’d done everything “right” we’d be in the relationship I want, right now. I really learned a lot though and I’m very glad he was part of my life. He woke me up. I’m more sure of what I want and how I want to feel in a relationship now. It’s exciting!

  343.  #343Turquoise on March 15, 2013 at 5:08 am

    Sweetheart is coming on strong, laying it on thick. My vibe is changing and I’m sure he can tell. I care about him and don’t want to hurt him, but I’m being true to myself and not accepting exclusivity with a man who can’t give me what I want. We haven’t slept together in a long time. That’s the key, without sex I don’t feel like its cheating or overly attached to him. We are supposed to go away for the weekend in 3 weeks. I’m not sure I want to go. Might be good for us, to reconnect more, but I might not want that either.

  344.  #344Daria on March 15, 2013 at 5:26 am

    Vi – wow thank you, you’re way of making it ok really helped me too

  345.  #345Linda on March 15, 2013 at 5:32 am

    I took a big big girl step for me. (instead of a baby step HA!)

    FavoriteCD asked me how I felt about something and I answered him honestly. He did not like my answer because he became instantly distant and a bit pouty . I asked if we could talk about it, which he agreed to and I offered some alternative options that I felt would work for me in the situation that allowed space for my feelings and his. He was unagreeable so that was that.

    My BIG Step??….actually being honest, speaking my truth, honoring my feeling by being steadfast in my boundries. I did not waiver, but remained soft and open, even though I knew he was not happy with how I felt. My feelings and position and behavior did not change. I stayed true to my promise to take good care of myself and NOT do anything that did not feel good. That meant that if he did not like it then.. he did not like it.

    THis is new territory for me.

    Guess what… the next day he was soft and loving and thanked me for talking and being the “voice of reason” in the situation… WOW ! It feels amazing to do this for myself… and him coming closer afterward is just a cherry on the top.

  346.  #346Vi on March 15, 2013 at 5:46 am

    And sex feels kinda sinful to me when I agreed to be exclusive. I could play with the Hat Switching tool I think and change a daughter’s hat into a woman’s hat when I feel like that.. omg I feel so agenda-less.. and it feels as good as when I am wearing a boy’s hat by the way.

  347.  #347Vi on March 15, 2013 at 5:46 am

    🙂 Daria

  348.  #348Annie on March 15, 2013 at 6:26 am

  349.  #349Femininewoman on March 15, 2013 at 6:46 am

    Turquoise are you in a committed relationship with him? Have you told him the terms of your exclusivity?

  350.  #350Femininewoman on March 15, 2013 at 6:54 am

    Lizka re the no insecurity challenge, I just wanted to comment that it hit me as focussing on what you don’t want. Maybe it is because I was doing a guided meditation this morning and the speaker said focus on the most confident person you know, then think of being that person melting into that person.

    The person who came to mind for me was the Green Giant in that ad. Standing on top the mountain with his hands akimbo. I like it and it is my go to visualize in cementing the belief “I radiate confidence” in my brain. Just felt inspired to share that.

  351.  #351Memulo on March 15, 2013 at 7:59 am

    I am feeling weird at times about being alone again ( yes, what else is new). Also feeling that perhaps I was crazy pushing him away? What if no one will want me that much anymore? On the other hand, it feels that he left me kind of easily? Or maybe it wasn’t fir him, maybe he got hurt and tired of my indifference? I was afraid to break his heart. Maybe I did? I felt secure with him until that street scene, but did I feel happy? Nope. There was always something missing. He kept on saying that structure is very important in life. He is very responsible and very organized. And I liked that about him. But for me -I can’t be happy on structure. I can feel secure and calm, but I can’t fly. But then I still wonder – is it because of smartcd I never got really attached to him enough?

  352.  #352Memulo on March 15, 2013 at 8:02 am

    FW, you are one of the most confident people I ‘know’.

  353.  #353Femininewoman on March 15, 2013 at 8:06 am

    Memulo – I encourage you to listen at the free audio at http://www.masterymindfuse.com/

    I learned from it to say “I am not alone”.

  354.  #354Turquoise on March 15, 2013 at 8:38 am

    We were FW, but then we decided to take a break. When we started talking again I said we should see other people, keep things light. He said he didn’t want that but understood if I did. We haven’t talked about it much since.

  355.  #355Emerson on March 15, 2013 at 8:43 am

    Lizka thanks for reminding about the out the window tool and I like your comments about reacting when he is being impatient etc….
    I tend to slip into extra sweet / understanding mode even if it feels bad … I stuff my feelings and act “nice”….Perhaps I will try something different next time.

  356.  #356Memulo on March 15, 2013 at 9:34 am

    Maybe it’s not bad to be nice and understanding when someone is tited and stressed out at work? Aren’t we supposed to care? I was recently on the receiving end of being tired, stressed out and treated impatiently and with no care and believe me I didn’t like it.

  357.  #357Indigo on March 15, 2013 at 9:40 am

    Now said ex-boyfriend who I ran into today has sent me a message saying he’s sorry he hurt me and he would like a chance to make it up to me, and he values our friendship and could we go for coffee sometime.

    I don’t think I want that. I have no attachment or romantic feelings towards him so there is no real risk in that way, but he is one of those people who has a habit of letting you down. Everything will be fine for a while and then all of a sudden he’ll be flakey and unavailable. Also I’m not sure I want to remain purely “friends” with guys I’ve been intimate with at one stage. It feels off.

    Even so, I find it interesting that he is so keen to re-kindle our friendship (this is about the third or fourth time he has asked me this) when we have not really spoken in about a year.

  358.  #358Memulo on March 15, 2013 at 9:50 am

    Indigo, perhaps he wants to have you in his life as an ‘option’ and I don’t mean romantically, just emotionally as someone he can trust, but your description of him suggests that you can’t really trust him.

  359.  #359Smile on March 15, 2013 at 9:52 am

    He he, so after I shared yesterday I was feeling disappointed but understood, we shared some great fun moments. He has made it so he can see me both days now. He said he wants to see me.

    Today He’s stressed about his situation. He texed me all about it and said he hoped I didn’t mind but he needed someone to listen. I did just that, listen and noticed when I felt I wanted to go into fix it mode. We were laughing by the end.

  360.  #360Femininewoman on March 15, 2013 at 10:19 am

    Turq – I asked because when I read about going away for the weekend the I remember saving this from CCarter “I would love to do that but with a man I am in a committed relationship with”. I guess it could come in handy if you change your mind.

  361.  #361Femininewoman on March 15, 2013 at 10:28 am

    Indigo – this is what I understand men do. I guess you could tell him that you are not looking for male friends right now, you are looking to create romance.

    He might be feeling his loss. But you could practice speaking your truth and let him know “I still feel ……………………… because I really expect that the man I date be honest with about where he’s at otherwise I am not interested”. He could be good to practice some tools and speaking your truth.

  362.  #362Indigo on March 15, 2013 at 10:41 am

    Yes Memulo, I think you’re right. I get the feeling he finds me very easy to talk to and open up to on a deep level, and it works for him to have someone in his life that he can share with as and when.

    But it doesn’t really work for me. I don’t really feel comfortable sharing with someone on this level unless I am getting the same authenticity back.

  363.  #363Indigo on March 15, 2013 at 10:47 am

    Feminine Woman, thank you 🙂

    I had a great opportunity to practice speaking my truth to him. I said that I did not feel hurt so much as let down, and that I don’t tend to have people in my life who are not prepared to be there for me. That I was a loyal, devoted friend and expected the same in return. I said that I got the feeling he was looking to maybe chat and have coffee once in a while, and that this would not really work for me as I was not superficial in this way.

    It felt good and truthful.

    Feminine Woman, I find it interesting that when you tell men you are not available, or are only available on your terms, in a totally authentic way, they seem to find this somehow a bit irresistable.

  364.  #364Violette on March 15, 2013 at 10:47 am

    Turquoise thank you, I’m glad you related to my point of view!

    I went to a goofy little event last night and got my flirt on. It was fun because I saw a lot of men checking me out, and I also felt more open with the women.

    I did notice that I was talking to a kind of shy guy and a more outgoing fun guy joined us, and the shy guy clammed up and didn’t like it. I would have found it flattering in the past, but after having dated D, who got so pouty when we went to parties and had to have all the attention, I see it as a warning flag. I love that I’m learning and more aware!

    One guy asked for my number and offered to buy me a drink. Ahh, that felt so nice (and it wasn’t the shy guy by the way…). I feel like a girl!

    My energy is clearer and brighter and I feel ready to bring in the new. I know that if I had reengaged with T I would be all caught up in worrying about him instead of being open to adventures now.

    I’m going out with a couple of beautiful single girlfriends to a gorgeous hotel bar this evening to get our flirt on(again) and drive all the men crazy! Hee hee.

  365.  #365Femininewoman on March 15, 2013 at 11:03 am

    Indigo – most people want what they can’t have. I kinda believe it is linked to the scarcity mentality that is programmed into most of us. We don’t realize it is there but it motivates us at times to move towards things that are moving away from us.

  366.  #366Memulo on March 15, 2013 at 11:45 am

    Yay Smile!

  367.  #367BeLoved on March 15, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    I’m having a hard time trying to follow comments on my phone, they don’t show up in order..yikes..

    at any rate this week has been WOW!!!
    got a date at the grocery store…he’s sooo eager to please and so sweet and responded perfectly to my fms when I felt pressured by receiving several texts, very easy, just the way I like it to be.

    Top 2 feelings I cultivate are ease and grace:)

    I was playing with the idea that all men want to help me this morning and received some unexpected and deeply appreciated help I didn’t ask for or even know I needed from C this morning.

    i got a msg from T that was all about how much he appreciates me.

    i feel like crap because of allergies, yet emotionally i feel perfect. exactly right.

    jeez, without rori’s tools this past week wouldnt have been the same. i would have hung up on T when i felt shut down, pretended like i wasnt pi$$ed at C when i was, ditched new fiestaCD as soon as i felt pressured, heck i wouldnt have even TALKED to fiestaCD because hes a short little woolybugger, and i wouldnt have been receptive to receiving help this morning, and i wouldnt know how to be specific and honest about wants/dont wants and be able to keep my heart open to my friend B.

    I wouldnt have known how to let OMCD give to me, or drive across down just to spend 15 minutes pleasing me.

    FMs and the tools have been the keys for me that have really pulled together and enhanced everything ive beem learning about love and relationships since 2010.

    So different from 8 months ago when I first came here. Wow:)

  368.  #368Daria on March 15, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    I’m feeling a little sath in my feelings.



  369.  #369LoveAlways on March 15, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    Emerson #108 Thank you so much for the hug

    Hi Memulo 🙂

  370.  #370sha-sha on March 15, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    Hola ladies hope ur all enjoying ur weekend……..gotta question for everyone……I would like ur input……. is it normal for men or women to have profiles on dating or game sites when ur married or commited whatever…is it normal now a days for guys or women to talk to on these sites even if it is innocent? Wht u all think

  371.  #371Memulo on March 15, 2013 at 9:01 pm

    Sha-sha, ABSOLUTELY NOT.

  372.  #372Memulo on March 15, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    I had a great night out with my old and new friends. No dating situation, just a very pleasant dinner with several friends. I had so much fun spending time with amazing people. On the way back home I thought – if I were still in the relationship with my cd this night would have never happened. He wouldn’t ‘let’ me go out with my friends alone. Especially not on Friday night.

  373.  #373sha-sha on March 15, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    Memulo….. so ur sayin if ur in relationship u should be done with the sites ……..I’m feelin same way about this….but my best friend who is male thinks its fine and he said its new age and that’s how ppl commuicate……..I think facebook is ok cuz its all about finding old friends and family

  374.  #374Daria on March 15, 2013 at 9:08 pm

    Sha sha – on gaming sites yes it is. On social sites such as Facebook yes it is.

    On dating sites such as Match and POF no it’s not.

  375.  #375Memulo on March 15, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    Yes, Sha-sha, Daria expressed what I was trying to say.
    What does your friend think about his girlfriend doing the same ?

  376.  #376sha-sha on March 15, 2013 at 9:14 pm

    I agree with U 100%…… wht if U met the person ur with and commited to on a dating site.. Is it normal to keep ur profiles becuz u think it reminds u of how U met? I say No! And my crazy friends think its normal to talk to others……… idk I think its a bunch of BS and these sites make nothing but trouble for any relationship

  377.  #377sha-sha on March 15, 2013 at 9:15 pm

    To him its ok either way as long as they have eachothers passwords to profiles

  378.  #378Memulo on March 15, 2013 at 9:16 pm

    It’s irrelevant, but I actually know a couple who met on a gaming site;) He was in a bad marriage (or getting divorced, I am not sure) and she lived on a different continent. They started chatting and after several months he went to visit her and then eventually she got pregnant and they got married and she moved to the States.

  379.  #379Daria on March 15, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    So I was feeling a lil bummed that neighbor-friend that I asked to hang out wouldn’t get over his resistance to the uncomfortableness of walking over here, even tho we talked on the phone for hours and he lives a 20 min walk from me in my tiny city/neighborhood. And I know he wanted to actually chill.

    Then I suddenly and surprisingly fell asleep!

    Then amazingly now I was jus telling neighbor that he’s the closest of my ‘boyfriends’ convenience-distance wise, except for Sexy-neighbor Who I haven’t heard from.

    Well now I wake up from my nap and Sexy-neighbor is asking me out for tonite in an hour ! Yayyyy ! 🙂

    I’m do feeling sexy-neighbor and last nite I was with Sexy-CD they both the kind that I feel amazing high Dragon around

  380.  #380Memulo on March 15, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    To have passwords to each others profiles feels quite crazy to me. Like spying on something that you already know is happening 😉

    Perhaps I’d be less opinionated about this and I was ‘open minded’ but then someone who I felt deeply about connected to a woman on a dating site, with the help of a friend, but still. I thought I made him free to come and go, and let his heart choose, and perhaps I did, but going forward if I am with someone who is still on a dating site I am not going to tolerate this. It will be either me or the dating site.

  381.  #381sha-sha on March 15, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    To me I think its a form of cheating
    Why would ur man need to talk to other women on these sites or women talk to men on these sites………… there are so many married ppl on there and to me I feel its not right…… I have a girlfriend who got so involved with a guy she thought was single but he ended up to be married with children…… the wife finally found out and blamed the other women …to me its not other womens fault it would be husband playin games with women’s heads

  382.  #382sha-sha on March 15, 2013 at 9:24 pm

    Goood for U Daria sounds exciting love reading ur stories!! Have lots of fun! Xoxo

  383.  #383sha-sha on March 15, 2013 at 9:27 pm

    I totally agree with U……idk if I could handle having passwords like that…….I’m thinking same thing as U. Dating site or me…. I think it could tear ur self esteem apart spying and seeing crazy convo’s ………to much for me

  384.  #384Indigo on March 15, 2013 at 9:55 pm

    Ooh sha-sha, there is no way I could ever tolerate someone I was in a committed relationship with being on a dating site!

    People on dating sites are there with the stated purpose of looking for romance in some form, and so I absolutely would feel that it’s right out.

    I think even with more “social” sites you need to be careful, and for me I would only feel fine if there was absolute trust in the relationship.

  385.  #385sha-sha on March 15, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    I totally agree with U too……. there is no reason to be on these sites it ur commited! Even with 100% trust in relationship I still see no need for my man to be on there…… these sites get pretty nasty and not very classy… I feel so bad for these women who will sell themselves for 20$ phone card.. I seen a lot on these sites when I used them to date

  386.  #386Emerson on March 15, 2013 at 11:20 pm

    Hi sirens im in serious lean back mode with exoticCD…
    It feels good and guess what he called and texted but I’ve been so busy being ME that I didn’t know…

    Anyways it’s prob good we had distance becuz now I’m feeling like I am not so gaga over him…when I talk to him I am going to be 100% honest about my feelings.

    I’ve realized I’m very intuitive and that’s why I’m so sensitive maybe? And I block the intuition sometimes because its “too much”….

    I feel open to this gift more now…
    I have a tendecy to “be” somewhere from my past in my head as I go about my daily business … Like I constantly have that place I’m my head (neutral not good or bad just a place with people and memories associated)….
    And Lo and behold news will come to me about a person linked to that place …. Sometimes good or bad… It’s weird. And random like people I have not seen in years!

  387.  #387Emerson on March 15, 2013 at 11:23 pm

    When I say Im going to be authentic about my feelings with exoticCD I mean use feeling messages etc not necessarily tell him I am gaga over him lol… Just to clarify

  388.  #388Emerson on March 15, 2013 at 11:46 pm

    I want to sit outside this weekend and eat a really yummy burger!!!

  389.  #389sha-sha on March 15, 2013 at 11:53 pm

    I feel U on that I can’t wait for spring and warm weather its still so cold where I live. No eatin burgers outside yet here

  390.  #390Heart on March 16, 2013 at 12:12 am

    Hi Blog,

    I need some advice or comfort. I’ve been using some of the tools, but I’m still obsessing.

    Recap: I told CudG I couldn’t attend an event he was having because I might be relocating. He expressed a lot of concern & asked to hang out. He suggested dinner & then a movie at my place. And offered to be there for me….

    I didn’t know what to do…so I decided to express feelings…

    I sent him an email thanking him & appreciating his care…
    Then I told him : I feel apprehensive about a date at my place…but I want to see you.
    What are your thoughts?

    I opened my heart & prepared to be surprised…
    Well surprised I am…
    He never responded and it’s been a little over a week…

    I feel so hurt…I regret telling him my feelings…I want to lean forward & ask him What’s wrong….but I know I shouldn’t

    I feel hurt & confused…what does Rori say about this?
    Can anyone offer me some of their own wisdom….I dont actually have to leave in a few days and will be here for a littld bit longer…but he doesn’t know that…Technically, I was supposed to leave in a couple of days…

  391.  #391Heart on March 16, 2013 at 12:19 am

    Also – in the past week he has posted 2 articles on Facebook..

  392.  #392Indigo on March 16, 2013 at 3:12 am


    Sorry you are feeling hurt honey ((()))

    Some insight of mine: To me, you asking his thoughts on you feeling apprehensive, the guys I know would have found that difficult to respond to. I think a lot of guys would not have known how to respond to that, or if they should respond, and maybe might have interpreted it as you not being keen. I think him withdrawing a little as a result of your moving is also a very natural response, and not trying to hurt you.

    If it were me, and it were eating me up, I would weigh how much I really want to see him. If I really wanted to see him, I would message him again and say that I was just expressing my feelings and I would love to take him up on his invitation.

    In the grander scheme of things, how much does it really matter to you in this situation if you went to his house or he came to yours?

    hugs to you

  393.  #393Rebecca on March 16, 2013 at 3:35 am

    Morning sirens,

    Wow, I am feeling a bit down today. I contacted quite a few men on Match last night. Just general messages, nothing deep etc… But not one of them have got back to me??!! I feel a little annoyed about this – like what is wrong with me?? Am I really that bad. I’ve had this situation for over a year now and I do not know what to do.

    I was hoping that at least someone would get back to me – even if it was only to say “hi”.


    I feel sad and not wanted.. I feel rejected BIG time…


  394.  #394k2012 on March 16, 2013 at 6:42 am

    “ExoticCD texted me yesterday and I have not replied. I feel bored with the texts.” Emerson, I think it was u who said this. Is this the same guy I believe loved to send text messages only instead of spending time together? What u said reminded me of Overseas cd. I got bored with the texts myself. I have been catching up with the blog from last night into this morning. I have a deadline at work which was really yesterday and worked from home yesterday and today. I am looking forward to the Easter break when I will get much needed rest. At this time of the year, I am very stressed at work as this is a very busy time at work. Overseas cd has disappeared. No update on him. He hasn’t resurfaced since the “I miss u comment.” I have practically forgotten about him. Do u think I should say hi to him? Or would that mean I am leaning forward? Not sure. Can I get your advice please? Thanks. Good morning to u All.

  395.  #395Memulo on March 16, 2013 at 6:48 am

    Heart, I’m trying to understand what you were saying in your email to him and I can’t. What was the message?

  396.  #396Memulo on March 16, 2013 at 6:50 am

    Rebecca, it hasnt been long enough to decide they are not getting back to you I think. Do you have pretty pictures up?

  397.  #397Femininewoman on March 16, 2013 at 7:10 am

    K2012 it is leaning forward if you are looking for something from him.

  398.  #398k2012 on March 16, 2013 at 7:33 am

    Correction: it wasn’t texts, it was facebook messages. Either way, the point is I got bored with messaging only. Another correction: I worked from home Thursday and Friday but was so busy I could hardly read the blog. FW, thanks for your response. I don’t expect anything from him at all, to tell u the truth, but just wanted to hail him up with no expectations at all, trust me. U know when u see a man is not interested and u accept by leaning back in response to HIS leaning back? But u just feel to say hi now with no expectations at all? Just to touch base. That sort of thing. Anyone else want to share their views? Dominique, Mercedes and any other ladies? Its just this morning, he crossed my mind so I said that maybe I could say hi. I didn’t go to the park this friday but trust me, as soon as this madness at work is over, I will definitely resume. We are having a cold front now and last night was cold. Earlier in the evening it was cool. I could handle it, while a friend of mine who lives in another part of town where its always cool was complaining how she is cold.

  399.  #399Memulo on March 16, 2013 at 8:04 am

    I put up my profile on match! Never used it before. I feel safer now, like I am doing something to make my dreams come true;)

  400.  #400Heart on March 16, 2013 at 8:05 am

    K2012 – truthfully …I think all this Forcing yourself to lean back and so on…is making us all neurotic….
    Many of us here, included myself, emit an almost unhealthy vibe with regards to these things…

    I would encourage you to work on yourself. Lean forward if u must …eventually you’ll move towards a place where you naturally lean back…
    It’s ok to make mistakes while you grow…

    thank you Indigo…I’m thinking about what you wrote…
    You soothed me with your words.

  401.  #401Emerson on March 16, 2013 at 8:27 am

    Sure you could contact overseasCD and say hi….having no expectations …. But I find when I do something like this I have *some* hope or expectation for a warm reply..
    So it’s up to you.

    Sirens I got my haircut and I feel so much better!!
    Funny how small things can help us feel refreshed!

    I want to get extensions now lol I’m tapping into some serious siren energy!

  402.  #402Memulo on March 16, 2013 at 8:27 am

    Wow, I answered 2 posts off my cell this morning but I don’t see it up on my pc now.

    I was asking Heart what she was trying to tell her guy in her email I did not understand the message.

    And telling Rebecca that the guy may still get back to her, it’s hasn’t been long enough.

  403.  #403Emerson on March 16, 2013 at 8:34 am

    I am spending the day with friends… Hope all the sirens have a great day !

  404.  #404Starbright on March 16, 2013 at 8:37 am


    Is overseascd one you have never met? If so, why reach out to him?

    Rori talks about only having a short getting to know you prior to meeting so you don’t waste time in an imaginary relationship. I find this to be really helpful guidance.

  405.  #405LoveAlways on March 16, 2013 at 8:41 am

    Good Morning Sirens:

    Time to spam the blog. This is a touchy topic and I apologize ahead of time if it triggers anyone but I need to process my feelings on this . . .

    I am being harassed again by his ex. She is trying to get to him through me and I don’t play those kinds of games. She wants a “show down” of sorts and I’d much rather listen to poetic music and sit in the sunshine. At first she was getting to me, but then I changed my vibe in the situation. Rather than the “ex” I have to see her as another woman. The other woman. She isn’t going away and she certainly isn’t giving up. I’ve done my best to ignore her but she will not be ignored. So . . .

    “I must think of the other woman as a siren too.”

    There. I said it. This has been so heavy on my heart and soul. Those of you who remember HScd and my break up may recall that it was because his ex suddenly wanted to reunite. Very aggressive controlling and pushy. . . even to the point of harassing me. I leaned back, stepped away and walked away. We reconnected and eventually made up.

    And now this woman has reared her head again. I can only see her as a siren rather than an evil sea serpent. I must visualize her in beauty instead of the inner ugliness she is displaying.

    I must imagine her as a lost siren, going about things the wrong way – Trying to manipulate and get a man through his mind, body or spirit – rather than through his emotions. A lost siren totally functioning in her masculine energy scheming and lying to her advantage. A siren using her CDs to try to make him jealous. So instead of thinking of her as a b*tch, I think of her as a lost siren leaning forward and pushing him hard.

    This vision softens my approach. It takes the “fight” feeling out of me and allows soothing-ness to wash over me head to toe.

    When this lost siren harasses me I’m soft on the outside and solid electrified steel on the inside. And I deal with her with the respect and compassion that any other siren deserves.

    WHY??? Because I cannot control any man. Not even the man who loves me. I can’t MAKE him stay with me. I can’t MAKE him want me. I can’t MAKE him want to continuously connect with me. I can’t MAKE him not sleep with any other woman. I can’t make him not give in to a woman clawing after him. I can’t (and won’t) try to get in his head. And I will not compete with another woman. I can only control myself.

    I can only embrace my siren-ess and play in my meadow and use my wings to fly me away when leaning back is not enough to escape the drama of this woman throwing herself at him – desperately clawing at him to get him back.

    I can speak my feelings and hold my boundaries and exercise my power. I can walk away. I can receive from other CDs and see what lesson or blessing each has in store for me.

    I must envision this venomous pushy woman as a lost siren who functions totally in her masculine energy and may need to consider a feminine energy man instead.

    I must see her as a lost siren because she apparently does not understand that she can’t control me or him.

    I understand the pain that befuddles her. She can’t make him do anything and it drives her crazy. She can’t make him come back to her and she can’t make him want to be with her. She can’t make him stop seeing me.

    She can only control herself. But no, now she is trying to control me. Her pushing pushing pushing and pushing at me won’t bring what her heart desires. She can’t disappear me from his heart or his life. Nothing she DOES will make me go away. Harassing me with her words and emotional warfare doesn’t make me run away.

    When she does this I lean back and step back and that makes him lean in harder to me more desperately because he doesn’t want to lose me. This lost siren is missing the most important facts of the situation – you can only control your own life.

    I won’t curse her. I won’t avoid her anymore. I won’t be nasty to her. I will be my soft siren self each time.

    I can only speak my feelings. Even speak them to her. I am not her enemy. I’m just a girl in love with a guy who loves me and wants to be with me. I can’t control him and I will not try to.

    I will not fight with you lost siren.

    I can only keep my boundaries and hold a safe space for myself and for him, if that is what he wants.

    And I can’t tell you what he wants. I did not manipulate him. I did not harass him. I did not push him away. I did not call him. I did not pursue him. I did not offer him sex, love, friendship or reach out to his soul.

    I leaned back . . . no, I walked away. I focused on me and did a little CDing. And when he leaned forward and came to me I was soft on the outside, strong on the inside and spoke my feelings and set my own boundaries which I honor myself. I trust myself rather than trust him.

    I can tell you that when I lean back he leans forward hard. I can tell you that says he loves me and acts like he love me. He says he does not want to lose me and He stays by my side. He calls me, he comes to me, he gives to me, he makes me feel safe . . .

    And still sometimes I feel nervous, I feel cautious . . . yes, because of this lost siren. But I speak my feelings, and I stay in my feelings, and I keep a safe space for myself because I can only control myself.

    I feel soft. I feel heavenly when he holds me close and strong. I feel strong when I stay positive, and I’m going to keep positive about what I can control – me.

    I have to process this some more.

  406.  #406Heart on March 16, 2013 at 8:41 am

    memulo – I just wanted to express my feelings …I was feeling uneasy at the time…truth is I want to see him but I don’t want to have a movie night…I would rather go out…
    but the deeper truth is…I want him to want to take me out instead…

  407.  #407LoveAlways on March 16, 2013 at 8:46 am

    Good Morning Sirens:

    Time to spam the blog. This is a touchy topic and I apologize ahead of time if it triggers anyone but I need to process my feelings on this . . . (even went into moderation!!!!)

    I am being harassed again by his “ex.” She is trying to get to him through me and I don’t play those kinds of games. She wants a “show down” of sorts and I’d much rather listen to poetic music and sit in the sunshine. At first she was getting to me, but then I changed my vibe in the situation. Rather than the “ex” I have to see her as another woman. The other woman. She isn’t going away and she certainly isn’t giving up. I’ve done my best to ignore her but she will not be ignored. So . . .

    “I must think of the other woman as a siren too.”

    There. I said it. This has been so heavy on my heart and soul. Those of you who remember HScd and my break up may recall that it was because his ex suddenly wanted to reunite. Very aggressive controlling and pushy. . . even to the point of harassing me. I leaned back, stepped away and walked away. We reconnected and eventually made up.

    And now this woman has reared her head again. I can only see her as a siren rather than an 3vil sea serpent. I must visualize her in beauty instead of the inner ugliness she is displaying.

    I must imagine her as a lost siren, going about things the wrong way – Trying to manipulate and get a man through his mind, body or spirit – rather than through his emotions. A lost siren totally functioning in her masculine energy scheming and lying to her advantage. A siren using her CDs to try to make him jealous. So instead of thinking of her as a b*tch, I think of her as a lost siren leaning forward and pushing him hard.

    This vision softens my approach. It takes the “fight” feeling out of me and allows soothing-ness to wash over me head to toe.

    When this lost siren harasses me I’m soft on the outside and solid electrified steel on the inside. And I deal with her with the respect and compassion that any other siren deserves.

    WHY??? Because I cannot control any man. Not even the man who loves me. I can’t MAKE him stay with me. I can’t MAKE him want me. I can’t MAKE him want to continuously connect with me. I can’t MAKE him not sleep with any other woman. I can’t make him not give in to a woman clawing after him. I can’t (and won’t) try to get in his head. And I will not compete with another woman. I can only control myself.

    I can only embrace my siren-ess and play in my meadow and use my wings to fly me away when leaning back is not enough to escape the drama of this woman throwing herself at him – desperately clawing at him to get him back.

    I can speak my feelings and hold my boundaries and exercise my power. I can walk away. I can receive from other CDs and see what lesson or blessing each has in store for me.

    I must envision this venomous pushy woman as a lost siren who functions totally in her masculine energy and may need to consider a feminine energy man instead.

    I must see her as a lost siren because she apparently does not understand that she can’t control me or him.

    I understand the pain that befuddles her. She can’t make him do anything and it drives her crazy. She can’t make him come back to her and she can’t make him want to be with her. She can’t make him stop seeing me.

    She can only control herself. But no, now she is trying to control me. Her pushing pushing pushing and pushing at me won’t bring what her heart desires. She can’t disappear me from his heart or his life. Nothing she DOES will make me go away. Harassing me with her words and emotional warfare doesn’t make me run away.

    When she does this I lean back and step back and that makes him lean in harder to me more desperately because he doesn’t want to lose me. This lost siren is missing the most important facts of the situation – you can only control your own life.

    I won’t curse her. I won’t avoid her anymore. I won’t be nasty to her. I will be my soft siren self each time.

    I can only speak my feelings. Even speak them to her. I am not her enemy. I’m just a girl in love with a guy who loves me and wants to be with me. I can’t control him and I will not try to.

    I will not fight with you lost siren.

    I can only keep my boundaries and hold a safe space for myself and for him, if that is what he wants.

    And I can’t tell you what he wants. I did not manipulate him. I did not harass him. I did not push him away. I did not call him. I did not pursue him. I did not offer him s3x, love, friendship or reach out to his soul.

    I leaned back . . . no, I walked away. I focused on me and did a little CDing. And when he leaned forward and came to me I was soft on the outside, strong on the inside and spoke my feelings and set my own boundaries which I honor myself. I trust myself rather than trust him.

    I can tell you that when I lean back he leans forward hard. I can tell you that says he loves me and acts like he love me. He says he does not want to lose me and He stays by my side. He calls me, he comes to me, he gives to me, he makes me feel safe . . .

    And still sometimes I feel nervous, I feel cautious . . . yes, because of this lost siren. But I speak my feelings, and I stay in my feelings, and I keep a safe space for myself because I can only control myself.

    I feel soft. I feel heavenly when he holds me close and strong. I feel strong when I stay positive, and I’m going to keep positive about what I can control – me.

    I have to process this some more.

  408.  #408Heart on March 16, 2013 at 8:51 am

    I thought I would share my feelings…tell him what I want…
    and then he would take care of me…

  409.  #409LoveAlways on March 16, 2013 at 8:53 am


    E-Harmony is also a good option. I feel it’s better than Match.

  410.  #410Memulo on March 16, 2013 at 8:54 am

    Heart, but I just could not get it what you want from your email. Unless you did not post the whole thing here.

  411.  #411Indigo on March 16, 2013 at 8:57 am

    🙂 Heart

    I’m a great believer in not “forcing” yourself to do anything, and in not distressing yourself because of what you think you “should” or “should not” do.

    I’m a great believer in being gentle with yourself and speaking up about who you are and what you feel. As you get stronger, things get easier.

  412.  #412Memulo on March 16, 2013 at 9:00 am

    LoveAlways, you sound amazing.

    I was on eharmony for a while and met my cd on eharmony. I heard that a lot of guys on match are there for an easy hook up. I’ll see how it works for me. I am certainly not an easy hook up.

  413.  #413LoveAlways on March 16, 2013 at 9:11 am


    I feel better you know about the guys on that site ahead of time. They will see right away that you are in no way an easy hook up!

  414.  #414Indigo on March 16, 2013 at 9:12 am

    I had a moment of panic about D today.

    He took me out for breakfast this morning, and then today I had a moment of panic. It’s really a very understandable panic, though I won’t go into the details. Anyway, it was not intense, it was mild, and I was able to find my calm very quickly.

    And finding my calm had nothing to do with him, it was all something I was able to find inside me. I was able to choose calm and find that strong place inside me, and the panic, small though it was, just left me. And I knew I’d be fine no matter what happens.

    I love love that I have got to this point.

  415.  #415Heart on March 16, 2013 at 9:14 am

    Memulo…no that was the whole thing…hehe…yeah I should have expressed myself better…Lol….omg im crazy

  416.  #416Memulo on March 16, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Heart, you are not crazy! You are just upset and craving for something that you are not seeing from him at the moment. Still, if you meant that you did not want a movie at your place, I would not have guessed it from your email.

  417.  #417Memulo on March 16, 2013 at 9:38 am

    Sirens, what do you think.. For cd that disappeared on me – say a few months later he found out that I kept silent on my side not because I found someone else. Does it appear more attractive than for him to think that perhaps I had someone else as a back up plan?

  418.  #418Memulo on March 16, 2013 at 9:39 am

    LoveAlways – really, is match that bad 🙂 -?

  419.  #419Memulo on March 16, 2013 at 9:40 am

    Indigo, I feel sometimes the same way. Not as often as I’d like it to be, but I feel like I have a lot of power.

  420.  #420Memulo on March 16, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Heart, I have one rule now – and believe me, I had quite a few iterations before I developed it. I only have a relationship talk in person. on very rear occasions I may agree to do it over the phone. Emails or texts is an absolute no.

  421.  #421LobbyStar on March 16, 2013 at 9:57 am

    Can someone remind me about the three month thing? Men know by the three month mark if they want to keep you, something like that?

  422.  #422Heart on March 16, 2013 at 9:58 am

    Memulo – yea Fms are awesome in person….but a disaster via email…also it’s braver in person…

  423.  #423Indigo on March 16, 2013 at 10:07 am

    Memulo 🙂

    I can’t tell you what a big and good thing this is for me.

    There was a time, a very short time ago, when I would completely and utterly go to pieces when I felt panic about D. The inner turmoil I felt not too long ago was indescribable. And I felt that way REGULARLY.

    It has completely gone now. I can’t tell you how wonderful this is for me, and how happy I feel about it.

  424.  #424LoveAlways on March 16, 2013 at 10:14 am


    It’s not that Match is bad, it’s more that the men on there seem to have this unrealistic “mail-order-date” mentality. It’s a lot looser dating approach. Which is cool, but they seem to be shopping, literally. That does not feel good. So I preferred E-Harmony because while there was perhaps an underlying “shopping” intention, more men on that site were prone to be looking for long term relationships rather than notches on their belts. I’ve heard from men that guys now “pick up” lonely hearts” through on line dating and they are easier to sleep with and string along if you play the game right. Felt awful, but a guy friend wanted me to hear it because he knew I was doing on line dating and wanted me to see the other side of it. This realization didn’t stop me from on-line dating at that time, but it did give me a different perspective. If guys are looking for easy dates, then I decided to go with a high scale and priced dating site that required goo-gobs of writing, answering questions, etc. to weed out these fellas.

  425.  #425Memulo on March 16, 2013 at 10:26 am

    LobbyStar. my interpretation is that by approximately that time they sort of get used to you in bed and start looking at who you actually are and what they want with you.

  426.  #426Memulo on March 16, 2013 at 10:31 am

    Thank you LoveAlways

  427.  #427LoveAlways on March 16, 2013 at 10:36 am


    Any time my love

  428.  #428k2012 on March 16, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    Ok ladies thank u so much for your comments. I can see that different people have different points of view. I will tell u what I decide. I am focused on myself. I am very very busy making plans for my future and I am about to implement at least 2 or 3 of them in a few weeks from now so I am 100 percent certain that I have no expectations. I will tell u what I decide to do eventually. Will make some more comments re posts on persons who are married/in committed relationships and still go on dating sites. Will speak about that some time later.

  429.  #429Violette on March 16, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    I went out last night to a hotel bar with a girlfriend. I felt open and free and had a lot of laughter and fun. Made nice eye contact with many many men. One guy stared at me all night, eventually spoke two words to me, but never really talked to me. I realized I felt resentful because I’d invested in flirting with him across the bar all night. I’m becoming aware of listening to my boundaries, when it stops being fun and starts feeling like a chore where I want a result, I want to walk away, let it go. Continuing to learn how to put my happiness first.

  430.  #430Violette on March 16, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    I’m going out tonight again to an event…I plan to be aware of my surroundings and to be in my lusciousness and radiate femininity. For me!

  431.  #431Olivia on March 16, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    @glow stix “goddess temple” — love it!

  432.  #432Vi on March 16, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    Goddesses, here is a new thread up!

  433.  #433Chanelle on March 19, 2013 at 1:12 am

    Hi Rori

    Im in a bit of a situation here, iv known this man for 9 years, we have been in contact with each other on and off for the past 9 years, recently we have been seeing each other and things have become very intense and he says he wants more from me than friendship but then stays away for a few days or i dont hear from him, he gets jelous when i go out with our other friends, i really like this guy and have developed feelings for him that have just intensified ALOT, how do i handle this? what do i do, i dont think he knows how i feel, i cant be friends with him feeling like this its not fair to me or to him, it will kill me, and if he does not feel the same about me i cant afford to waste time feeling this for him, i might pass up the opportunity of meeting some one new. please help?????????????

  434.  #434Kathy Joyce on March 19, 2013 at 4:34 am

    If you are with a man who says he likes you but isn’t in love with you, and you love him, then stay. It’s always possible that his feelings for you may deepen over time. I believe you can fall out of and in love again with the same person.
    Don’t push him into a physical relationship if he has lost interest. Be there for him. Cook for him. Support him if he needs your help. At the same time follow your own goals and live your own life. You may find that one day that spark you once had will re ignite. You will need lots of patience and staying power, but if you really love him I think it’s well worth it.

  435.  #435Rori Raye on March 19, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Kathy – Welcome, and very interesting way to go – similar to Tom McKnight’s in his book “Love Tactics.” I personally don’t think this is an option most of the time. I read an article in Huffington Post about a married woman who did just this for over a year while her husband went through a patch of not loving her and wanting out…she simply insisted he stay in the house and do whatever he wanted at the same time. He DID come around, and their marriage resumed (I don’t know what happened since she wrote that article). So – in a marriage, yes, I think this is worth a try (except for the cooking for him and supporting him stuff).

    The reason I don’t think this tack works most of the time is about sex.

    Sexual connection and desire is a huge part of that “in love” feeling – and when you nurture and support a man, you deepen the friendship, but almost always send the sexual chemistry and attraction level down the tubes even further (read Esther Perel – Mating In Captivity). We always tend to value a person who loves us more than we love them – LESS – and the more we show that love to a man – yes, we can deepen the comfort and familiarity and friendship and “bonds” – but it doesn’t mean we can engender that “lovin’ feeling” in him. Love, Rori

  436.  #436Rori Raye on March 19, 2013 at 10:21 am

    Chanelle, Welcome – and the secret to having a great life is to tell the truth. All the time. Without apologizing for telling it, and learning how communicate it in the most lovely and authentic way. And then listening to what comes back to you.

    You simply have to tell him that you don’t feel good seeing him as a friend, that it’d feel great to date him, and that you aren’t ready to see him exclusively. You start Circular Dating NOW!!!! You start the conversation with the No Girlfriend speech, that you’re looking for a real, long-lasting relationship, and that you know it takes a while of getting to know each other to know where something is heading, and that you don’t want to put pressure on what’s developing between you.

    Ask him what he sees for the two of you, and how he’d like to structure this. Ask him: Does he want to DATE you?

    Love, Rori

  437.  #437Redtornado on March 22, 2013 at 6:46 am

    Good Morning Ladies- I could use some insight because right now I’m feeling scared and unsure if I just did damage to a relationship I value deeply.

    My bf and i have been living together in my apartment for 9 months and doing really great. He’s better to me than anyone ever has been. He’s not real verbal with his emotions but he shows me how much he cares daily.
    He is renovating his house for us to move into shortly. The issue is that a lot of my fears of abandonment are coming to the forefront of my emotions. My dad left when I was a child and didn’t have contact with me until I reached adulthood. I also had every friend I ever knew turn their back on me because of religious reasons. I don’t blame myself but and have worked hard to love myself. I really do believe I’m awesome.
    Last night we were talking and I felt it necessary to tell him that I was feeling scared and insecure and that I wanted to make sure he knows that if ever he feels that he would be happier in another situation that he could just tell me and he’s would be free to go. He responded by saying that I have said that a few times and did I want him to leave for awhile. I said no that he makes me feel loved and secure but I know that I come with a lot of stuff and if it was ever just too much that he just needed to be honest. I told him that I trusted him more than anyone but that I was also scared. He said that I treat him better than anyone ever has to which I said he did the same for me. He hugged me last nite and this morning and I told him that that felt great.
    His energy was a bit off this morning and my mind is running amok worrying that I have hurt him or pushed him away.
    What would have been a better way to handle this?

  438.  #438lulu on March 29, 2013 at 9:43 am

    Is it possible for a man who is dead set on not being able to say those words to ever be able to? Or even feel it? We dated for 10 months, he practically lived with me for 6 months and then we broke it off because I had trust issues and didn’t understand how he could not and would not say he loved me. He has commitment issues. He was with someone for 20 years and says he doesn’t think he can get over it…we started talking again recently…but when he feels like he’s getting close or has stress in his life about anything….he retreats and I don’t hear from him for days…I don’t hit him up…I wait it out cause if I do he just ignores me….he has been dealing with a lot of stress…big stress issues…but he says if I can just give him space to get himself straight then we will be fine…I know he is not seeing anyone and that he does care about me…I really want him in my life.. I just don’t know where to go from here…I do find that when he disappears if he texts and I give short answers and don’t communicate much it seems to draw him in…I don’t understand that either…I’m a feelings person..I do anything for the man I’m with…but it gets me no where…

  439.  #439Rori Raye on March 29, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    lulu – Please read everything you can here. The more you focus on him, the more you push him away. Give him space – get a life outside of him, get the ebook and learn the Tools. Love, Rori

  440.  #440lulu on March 30, 2013 at 3:52 am

    I recently got your ebook and just started reading…I know it will help. My biggest question is the whole contact thing.. do I wait for him to contact me always? When he does, do I respond? Do I show interest when we talk or completely lean back? I just can’t grasp that part…please advise…is it ever ok to say I miss you? Or does that push him away as well? I guess I just need it laid out for me as to what to do in regardsto contact…I don’t understand that well…

  441.  #441kristian nopah on April 9, 2013 at 9:33 am

    dear Rori Raye,
    hi my name is Kristian i have a problem with my boyfriend. we’ve been together for 5months now. but i have 1 problem with him” ex girlfriend” she just talk crap about us , and i told him to not talk to her again. but “Facebook” he doesn’t have her as a friend she secretly talking to her. one day he stay at my house, his phone rang and i told him ill get it he says no , anyways it was Facebook and the name was his ex girlfriend what should i do?, should i talk to him?

  442.  #442angeleta on April 13, 2013 at 8:54 am

    i have a problem like this one . my boyfriend was in love with me , but not nomore . Im heads ovr heels over this man . We had a fight and things just havnt been right since . I try many things to show him that im sorry . But every week that I mess up .It seems that every week he trys to find some reason to break up with me . please help me….