If It’s Happening To You Over And Over Again – Who’s Running This Experience?


The Question:

“Rori, I feel at this point in my life I feel like I have been nothing more than a consulation prize to the man I’ve been dating for years. I was available to alleviate a hurt he felt after divorcing your wife. I feel like I was a tool, something handy at the time to allow him to feel attractive and wanted again.

And I feel like I was a wonderful outlet to “get back” at his exwife, in fact he even said so! He said it would be great for her to see me with him so she would know she no longer mattered to him.

During all of this I was told I was loved, I was wanted, I was beautiful, and then, out of nowhere, I was no longer needed. He basically just broke it off.  I felt like an object who had served it purpose and was now no longer necessary.

The hurt I have endured over these last months has been crushing. I specifically asked to not be “that girl”, that rebound girl, but with no regard to what might happen to my heart and soul, that is exactly what I was.

I continued to hold on to the hope I would be wanted again. I was told several times that a day doesn’t go by that he didn’t think of me. That if circumstances were different, we lived closer, etc etc, we would still be dating.

But it’s like when he’s lonely, or there’s no one in his life to stimulate him, I get a phone call or a text.  And then I get promoted to “date”. And then it all changes again in 2 days or 2 weeks. And then suddenly he’s distant or ignoring me all together.

Yeah, I am angry. I am so angry at how I’ve been treated with absolutely no regards to how it would affect my life and my heart. To be be told I am incredibly sweet and that I treated you better than any woman ever has, only to then be left, over and over again.

I think he wants to love a fantasy I can’t be, and I am angry, hurt and at times feel actual hatred for him. I hate loving a man who does not, and will never, love me back.

Rori, how can I get off this wheel and either get him to really love me and want to be with me forever, or let him go? I’m miserable”

My Answer:

Miserable, I so hear you.

My entire dating life, before I met my husband and got a bit smarter was in letting men run over me – just like this situation you’re in.

Why we feel so de-valued, and why we let a man so de-value us, and then agree with him by sticking around is pretty much standard for most of us women.

It’s like a totally convoluted view of being a human being, the total opposite of what love is supposed to be.

And it makes us feel like someone is to blame, and so once we tire of blaming him, we just go at blaming ourselves, mercilessly.

So – please, though this answer may seem kind of “tough love”, it’s not meant to be – it’s just meant to help you cut through all the “stuff” that’s hanging in your head.

First – this is not your fault.  None of this is something to “blame”.

This is not you “not loving yourself” in some grand way.

It’s just the way you, and I, and so many of us women were taught to think and feel about what we should be doing in love and relationship.

Let’s start with just asking some questions:

  • Ask yourself – Where am I treating myself this way?

The idea here is to locate places in your body where you can feel the urge to stay with a man like this, to stay in this situation, to give to him and love him – even though you can pretty much be sure you’ll get ‘slammed’ quite quickly.

I’ve been there, really I have. I have lot of stories, all feel humiliating and embarrassing, but getting through them got me where I am today – supremely happy and supremely loved – and you can get there, too!)

  • As you check through your mind, heart and body to find where you feel the need to stay connected to this man – even to bother to feel angry with him – really see if you can find how you’ve abandoned yourself.

For me – here’s the crux of the whole thing:

“I was told I was loved, I was wanted, I was beautiful, and then, out of nowhere, I was no longer needed. He basically just broke it off.  I felt like an object who had served it purpose and was now no longer necessary. Over and over again.”

  • Can you feel how this happened more than once? What it felt like to choose this man and situation over and over again?

What was the lesson here, and why did it have to be re-learned over and over again?

What did you miss?

And here’s a great question: What about his treatment of you matched YOUR treatment of you?

Please – WITHOUT blaming yourself – just ask yourself how you chose this:

Sort of like touching a hot stove over and over again thinking “this next time I won’t get burned…”

(And, the truth is, we’re ALL like moths “drawn to the flame…”.)

Just ask yourself questions, and really, really ladle on the LOVE all over yourself.

Ask how you saw what you wanted to see…and even though on one level you believed he loved you and could do this relationship thing – is it possible another part of you knew he’d keep doing the same thing over and over:  Tell you you’re wonderful and loved, and then drop you on the hard ground?

Most important – we just want this to be the end of this kind of thing!

I want for you to really learn what was (and still is, yes!) going on here inside you, so it doesn’t happen again.

You DON’T need to create this again.

You CAN be attracted to and attract a different kind of man who will NOT abandon you.

Abandonment is all about fear.

You abandon before you think you’ll be abandoned.

And, bottom line, we abandon ourselves.

We sweet-talk ourselves and then leave.

We ALL do that – see if you can take responsibility for that and OWN that – and really get in there and see how it worked inside you with this one…where you got fooled, and where you were fooling yourself…and what the payoff was…all that.

And please – if you start to beat yourself up – NOTICE that – because that’s where this whole thing starts – with feeling unworthy of love at core.

We ALL have this. Let’s shrug this off and get you feeling great, worthy, and more aware of how this is working inside you.

He really was just a tool for you to work through this!

I know it’s hard to see it this way – but that’s how it works for ALL of us.

In essence – he’s irrelevant!

Love, Rori