If It’s Hard to Even Visualize Your Happy Ever After – Let’s Do This

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“Visualize,” I say.

“Imagine…,” I say.

Well – what if imagining isn’t your …thing?

What if visualizing gets hairy and tricky and gets you off track? What if the imaginary “result” you get is way different than how you thought it would look?

Here’s a letter from Mary that got me started on this…

“Rori, I have just started reading your eBook “Have the relationship you want” and am stuck on pages 30-31. Every time I try to visualize what my perfect day with my man looks like I become very emotional and start to cry. I do not know where this is coming from and it is very disconcerting for me. I cannot seem to focus on what I am even looking for in a good relationship. I want to have a good relationship more than anything else in my life and here I am stuck for some reason at the very beginning of your book. What can I do to move past this and make this work for me? Is it fear? Anxiety? Or am I just so self “unaware” that I can’t picture what I want? This is a very disturbing discovery for me and I don’t know what it means, if anything. Mary”

Here’s my answer:

THIS IS GOOD!!!!

Basically – we ALL have this issue!

That’s why it’s at the start of the book, because you’re going to come up against your own blocks all through this work – and  that’s why my Tools work so fast!

Okay – I know this sounds contradictory and counter-intuitive. I’m telling you it’s GOOD when things don’t go as you THINK they should go…. I’m telling you that it’s not important to get something “right” in the way you THINK it should be – because what you THINK is all coming from your OLD stuff! It’s all coming from the place that hasn’t gotten where you want to go – the place that’s got you stuck!

The reason this Rori Raye process works is not because you’re visualizing “perfectly” – but because you are BECOMING aware…aware of how YOU work!

You’re discovering WHERE you’re stuck. At what point you blank out and go numb.Where you feel fear and anger. How you get triggered – and where you go when you get triggered.

YOU are the toy, the clock, the electric car you’re taking apart to see how it ticks and runs and plays.

It’s useless and emotionally draining and will send you backward to try to analyze and relive and figure out your PAST – but discovering your reactions and thoughts and feelings and being really, really IN them and PRESENT with them, and AWARE of them will get you where you want to go at lightening speed.

Of course it’s totally impossible for any of us to visualize something we’ve never had!

How can we imagine something we’ve never experienced?

We end up with movie images and stuff from romance novels. And – that is NOT what you want for your life!

Living, breathing, enduring love is REAL. Real men are real. Real relationships are real. It’s a very different experience than the fantasies we have in our heads.

Our fantasies ENHANCE our reality – by giving us some pictures and ideas and clues to our real, genuine desires when we have no real experience at all…but they can get in our way, too.

And that’s why it’s so important to start the whole Rori Raye toolbox this way…

We want to know what you’re thinking.

We want to know what you feel when you think the thoughts you think.

When images come up – we want to know how that triggers you.

Coming up against a challenge – against what feels like a “wall” to you is a huge, amazing CLUE for you. And it will not stop you at all, because it tells you exactly how to work through that wall baby step by baby step.

Just know we are ALL afraid to picture what we really want – to really FEEL it – and it triggers all kinds of emotions.

Good for you for bringing these feelings up.

Don’t try to go into the past, don’t try to figure it out. Just keep working through the book.

Keep finding tools – the “Riffing” tool on this blog is brilliant for helping with your emotions…and you’ll see how on the blog, it seems like everyone is spewing their emotions – it’s because the blog is a safe place to practice being with your feelings, expressing them in this very new way you’re learning.

Just keep breathing, and keep doing the visualizations, and work through the book.

As you practice the Tools – breathe, try to sink into the feelings – and the anxiety will lesson, and things will get easier, clearer, more fun. (Anxiety is your big clue that you’re moving forward and things are getting stirred up – so hug yourself and say “Brava” to yourself for getting to that place and being willing to go INTO it.)

You’ll start to look forward to getting more into yourself.

Really, you will.

Expect to go numb sometimes, and blank, and to resist.

Just keep doing it – now THIS is important: for only10-15 seconds at a time, if that’s all you can do until you stop cold and go numb. Don’t push yourself to do standard meditations, etc.

The idea is for you to flip into a visualization and go through it in a deep way quickly – so that if you’re with a man, you can break through your blocks on the spot.

Welcome to this work – and I just KNOW you’re going to be amazed at how this helps you!

Love, Rori

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110 Comments

  1.  #1Jennifer on July 16, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    GRrrrrrrrrrrrr
    Riffing
    I’m a bad person.
    I feel terrible about my judgemental self, I’m trying to love my judegemental self but I aint getting there.
    Why are all the guys on my “match” lists so like, unatractive?
    With the exception of super hot medical student that I’m too insecure to contact?
    Why are they alllll like overweight and like to role play games or wierd looking and stuff?
    Gaak I feel like a friggin “mean girl” in highschool?
    I’m not a very nice siren right now?



  2.  #2Lucy on July 16, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    Ok, let’s try it…

    My perfect day starts with me waking up to the sound of my man quietly humming “Taste of Honey” (haha!) as he gets dressed for work. I open my sleepy eyes and smile as I watch him. He sees me watching him, smiles, climbs onto the bed, half-dressed, leans over me, kisses me softly. I reach into his unbuttoned shirt and feel his strong chest. He sighs. I sigh. We gaze lovingly at each other as our hands roam. He whispers that he can be late for work. My heart and breath quicken as we touch and kiss each other, and feel so deeply in love. It becomes the most incredible, sensuous love-making either of us have experienced in our lives. Afterwards, neither of us wants to move. We feel at home, at peace, in bliss, resting in each other’s arms.

    Eventually, he says he hates to leave, but has to go to work and can’t wait to see me when he gets home. I hurry to the kitchen and whip up a fruit smoothie for him while he quickly gets ready to go. “Thanks, babe,” he says genuinely, as he gulps it down. After one more lingering kiss that we can barely pull ourselves away from, he heads out the door.

    I walk the dog, pay some bills, do some yoga, talk to God, then sit down at the computer to work on my writing. He calls at lunchtime and we talk about how great the morning was, how our days are going, and what time he’ll be home. I go back to my work and he returns to his, both happy and smiling and thinking how lucky and blessed we are.

    When he comes home, he removes his jacket and gives me a kiss as I stand at the stove making dinner. He steals a piece of raw carrot and munches on it, putting his arms around me from behind, kissing my neck, and making it difficult for me to cook. I laugh and tell him to stop. We talk and laugh and tease and play until supper is on the table. We eat a good meal together.

    [Right now, at this point, some resistance comes up in me as I write this! The resistance feels like Fear of Boredom. Hmmm. Like, oh no, are we in a rut? Do we do the same thing every day? Am I bored with him, with our life together? Also, in some ways, what I described here feels like the way things were with my ex at the beginning — and that turned out very badly. But it wasn’t because I was bored — not at all. So it’s Fear of Boredom and something else . . . Fear of a Repeat Performance of my First Marriage. Hmm, what do I do with this???]

    Any thoughts?



  3.  #3dorothea on July 16, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    yay new rori post!



  4.  #4Jennifer on July 16, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    I’m mean an’ nasty…I’m the horrid little girl with the the little curl..whatever..I don’t even care about getting the rhyme right.
    I’m snarly, and prickly and you better keep an arm’s length away cause I Scratch.
    I don’t wanna make men feel safe an excited..That’s too much work for me. I want them to make ME feel safe and excited..and right now they don’t. They’re boring…BOOOORING!!!
    Totally bored.
    I wanna do some fun stuff.
    Gawd..nice, boring men. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    They are all overweight and and have no hobbies (watching hockey is NOT a hobby..it’s watching someone else have a hobby)
    They don’t read….well, anything good.
    They read like bios of hockey players and stuff.
    I want interesting men to hit on me in the grocery store..and the book store…and every where!
    Gaaaaakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk



  5.  #5Katie on July 17, 2010 at 12:19 am

    Hi girls, great post! Thanks again Rori, for turning around a negative into a positive.
    Just keeping up with reading this blog. I am off to work now, feeling tired, but going to be way more aware of my triggers today.



  6.  #6faubourg on July 17, 2010 at 12:45 am

    thank you for this new post!

    i visualize myself in a big house with my man, he brings me breakfast in bed 🙂

    it felt so good to do this exercise i have this picture in my mind of me pregnant he has his arms around me in a very tender and protective way,

    it makes me feel like a woman and he is MY man
    all is smooth and sweet,

    a new sensation for me…



  7.  #7Jennifer on July 17, 2010 at 6:57 am

    oooooooooo………..now I’m a book snob. I love my snobby self. I’m a coffee snob, and a food snob and now a book and hobby snob.
    I have a high degree of difficulty.



  8.  #8tinque on July 17, 2010 at 7:16 am

    “watching hockey is NOT a hobby..it’s watching someone else have a hobby”

    Jennifer – I love this. Brilliant.
    So embrace your snobbisms. Coffee snob? oh yes I’m with you here, books and food too. High degree of difficulty? Why not?
    You can have it all.
    xxoo



  9.  #9gina on July 17, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    It’s always so exciting when a new post is up.

    I feel bizarro. The last two nights, I don’t recognize D – his behavior is fundamentally different than the D I love. His knee is injured, and he’s having surgery this week. I knew his knee was really beginning to hurt recently and that the last 2 days of work were very important for him. So I imagine that he might have taken pain killers, and that there may have been a few celebratory shots or glasses of wine at work (he’s a chef), but he hasn’t acknowledged it, so I’m left feeling bewildered at his strange behavior that he isn’t accounting for. Last night things went downhill fast when I felt pressure from him to reassure him that I want to be with him forever and ever. The problem was that the night before I told him several times that I do not like it when he playfully licks me. But he kept doing it – it got to the point where I just walked away after the last time he did it. The next morning, he freakin did it again, and I felt furious!! He apologized. And later he called to apologize again (I was actually on the other line talking to my parents about how to deal with the fact that I felt pissed off) But after the phone call, I felt totally forgiving. That night he called to say that he’d come over in an hour. Then, an hour later he called to say that he’d be coming over soon. Then he called when he was actually leaving. Then he called to say that he accidentally forgot the food he was bringing for me. Then he called to say that he was heading over. And then he called to say that he was downstairs. By the way, he works five minutes away! Then he kept apologizing for the licking. And at first I told him how much I appreciate feeling heard, and I’m glad to know that it means so much to him to make things better between us. Then he said that he just wants to make sure that I want forever after with him. And I started to feel pressured and weird. Then he was outright rude to my roommate – it was sorta funny, but it also felt hostile in a way that I was surprised about. My roommate asked if he was drunk, and he said no not at all, but then he proceeded to over apologize and sulk when i didn’t receive him passionately. He told me about a girl at his restaurant who expressed how happy for him she was that he’s dating me, but then, 10 minutes later he tried to tell me that same story again!! Usually, I love to hear what he thinks, but last night, his thoughts felt disconnected and strange – I couldn’t understand what he was getting at. He would say “I know you want me to leave, so I’ll just go.” And I was like Ugh!! Where is this coming from? I do want to be with him. Everything was just fine – I just wanted him to stop licking me!! But then he wouldn’t stop, and now he won’t stop apologizing and needs major validation from me, and it all feels icky! Eventually, I said that I was beginning to feel like I would like to spend the night alone, so he (with lots of gentle encouragement from me) left. This morning he sent a text saying that last night was so weird, he keeps thinking about everything, he wants to be with me, please call when I wake up. I did, and the conversation was ugh, so I got off and called my mom. She said that men are little boys at heart and that it would be unrealistic to expect them to be men all the time. She does understand my concern that he may have been under the influence of pain medication and alcohol. He and I spoke again, and I told him I would love it if we could just go back to normal – just be in the moment and have fun. I said that I didn’t need to hear any more apologies about the licking – just don’t do it. I’m sorry if I was accusing of being “on something” – I wish that I spoke to him a different way, because the truth is that I noticed his behavior was very different and unfamiliar, so I imagined that he may have taken a pain killer, and I also imagined that he probably had a couple of drinks at work. Then when he denied that was the case, I felt bewildered and disturbed by the change in his behavior – What does he think? He meekly said that he isn’t sure why he was acting different, but did emphasize how torn up he’s been with disappointment in himself he is for not being more considerate of how I felt about the licking. We’re supposed to hang out in a bit. I’m just trying to land on a pleasant enough emotion to welcome the opportunity. This week, after the surgery, the plan is for me to help take care of him – I was feeling good about this until now.



  10.  #10gina on July 17, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    It feels like the relationship is breaking. Last night he called 5 times and I didn’t answer cause I felt so frustrated speaking with him before, that I just didn’t want to talk.



  11.  #11Daria on July 17, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Gina – maybe he was on an e-pill.



  12.  #12Megan on July 17, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    hi ladies,
    I already commented under an older post but it seems you get more responses quicker if you comment under the most recent…
    when you look back and realize all the mistakes you made, how desperate and clingy and UNATTRACTIVE you must have seemed, how do you deal with it??
    how do you deal with that icky,yucky, horrible, cringy feeling?
    ESP when you still have to see the guy and you feel he still sees you this way??
    i know to cd but there is NO ONE and I am about to leave town for good.
    I know it seems it shouldnt matter since i’m leaving but it does b/c I am clearly still invested.
    how do you deal with these icky feelings of embarassment and shame and fight the urge to save face???



  13.  #13Renee on July 17, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Gina,

    I know we’re not supposed to make assumptions, but it really does sound like your guy was on something yesterday. And if he was irresponsible enough to combine painkillers with alchohol, I somehow doubt he’d admit to it…you know him, of course, whereas I don’t, but do you think he’d be likely to admit doing something like that?

    It sounds like something’s going on with him emotionally, but I suspect he can’t seem to put his finger on what it is. Nevertheless, it does sound like a conversation is in order…I don’t know what you’d need to say, exactly, but calling him out on his behavior seems appropriate to me — both his scattered thoughts, his rudeness to your roommate and need for constant reassurance.

    Has he always acted this insecure, or is it more pronounced this week?



  14.  #14Renee on July 17, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    Megan,

    I’m kind of a newbie here so I may not be the best person to answer your question, but it sounds like this may be one of those occasions where you would benefit from not seeking closure or being tied to the outcome.

    I had a similar type of relationship with a guy a few years ago (who still calls me periodically for what reason I don’t know) and I’ve worked very hard to stop beating myself up for the mistakes I made with him. I have to admit, though, that the last time he called, I told him that I had just had a great weekend with a guy who brought me flowers, a book by one of my favorite authors and didn’t pressure me to sleep with him too early (all of which was true) and that I had different standards now of how I expected to be treated and I didn’t think he could meet them. Yes, I was being somewhat of a b****, but this guy had put me through the wringer literally dozens of times over the past few years and it felt good to finally stand up for myself.

    I don’t know if that approach would be helpful at all to you…it does sound, though, like a situation Rori would say to just “let go”…



  15.  #15gina on July 17, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    Renee,
    Thanks for your response. No, he usually feels very sturdy and strong and confident. The only indicator of insecurity, is that sometimes his laugh seems a little exaggerated and insincere, and he does ask for regular reassurance that I’m on the same page as him in terms of feelings and willingness for commitment. He’s always been one step ahead of me, in terms of intensity of feelings, but I liked that – the insecurity has never ever been nearly this pronounced.
    We’ve never had conflict before at all.
    I brought it up again on the phone just now, and he insists that he hasn’t taken pain killers for the last 4 days. But he did say, that on a bad day, he takes 2 or 3 pills over the 12 hour work day. He said that he doesn’t like taking them and was defensive (not harsh at all, but his words just did not ring true), which felt weird. I asked him if there’s any reason he could think of that he would be acting different, and he said, no – just that he kept thinking and thinking about the “licking thing” and he felt bad about it all day. On the phone, I felt myself retreat into introversion – in my head, analyzing, trying to figure him out. Usually we have great conversations, so this is very very different. I feel betrayed and there feels like a chasm between us.
    He’s picking me up later so that I can show him a beautiful old house that is my dream home. I’m not sure what to do with this sense that he has been dishonest with me. It feels like the space for love between us is reduced with this conflict and feeling of betrayal.



  16.  #16tinque on July 17, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    Megan – It may be easy to say you have to stop, but bottom line is you have to STOP.
    You will never have control over what he or anyone else thinks, and it really, really doesn’t matter.
    And you have to get your focus OFF of him.
    So you were however YOU perceive you were in the past. So what. The past is passed. Let it go.
    When those destructive gremlin thoughts creep in, do what you have to do to shut them up; scream at them, push them away, stick them in a corner with the tape that loops inside your head. Try hugging them and shooing them out the door. Laugh at them. Tickle them. Whatever YOU need to do to quiet them down.
    And then you have to find ways to boost your feelings about yourself whether it be in your work or hobbies or in learning new things, discovering hidden talents.
    You must find ways to fill your life with things YOU love to do.
    You need to be kind and gentle with yourself. Treat yourself with great care and respect and yes, love.
    xxoo



  17.  #17gina on July 17, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    Oh, but by the way, I feel fine about myself through this, and that feels good. Like I’ll be fine either way this goes. I feel concerned about him and wary committing to forever after with him. Just Wednesday, I was spending a wonderful evening with him, and Thursday morning, I remember feeling in awe of how much in love with him I felt. That day, I posted on here that I felt almost scared to admit how happy I was with him because everything felt so so good. And then that night it started to go to pot.

    We were at the Salsa bar, and it felt weird because the young married guy who used to flirt it up with me, who lied about the validity of his marriage was there with his wife. I remember that D felt sorta small and weak. He was just all over me to the point where I felt a little smothered and embarrassed. But it was subtle. I still felt more good than bad, even with the licking. But last night, I felt more bad than good. And when he realized that I had reached the tipping point for bad feelings, he was devastated, and his behavior nosedived from there.



  18.  #18Renee on July 17, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    Gina,

    It sounds like his behavior at the salsa bar was very much based on insecurity as well, so it doesn’t sound like this actually is his first brush with insecurity.

    And the pain killer thing…I’ve known my share of addicts in my time, and they masters at lying about their intake. I don’t know whether this guy’s an addict or not, but the fact that he got defensive AND the fact that his words didn’t ring true to you give me reason to wonder…and addicts are deeply insecure, which is one reason they abuse substances. They have a big hole inside they’re trying to fill with their substance of choice.

    It seems odd that you hadn’t noticed anything until the past couple of days though…is it possible that you were so infatuated with him that you just didn’t see some of the red flags he may have been giving off?



  19.  #19Simply Shannon on July 17, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    Lucy, I felt all kinds of turned on reading your visual. 🙂

    When I visualize now, I see two people on the same path. Two people seeing each other’s face across a crowd of people that we are helping feed or clothe. That we’re serving together and I feel so grateful to have him there supporting my dreams and me supporting his. We take trips together with our kids; just having adventures and exploring this world. And the sex, while present and amazing/deep, is sort of secondary. It’s like the love making is the energy we create between one another and the overflow we share with the world.

    I feel completely content with this vision. It feels right and real and not romance novel.



  20.  #20LeLe on July 17, 2010 at 6:37 pm

    It had been a long time since I dated or actually felt anything without processing it. Then I decided I wanted love back in my life, worked on myself some and went on matching sites. Things did not go very well. I went blank so many times – not knowing what to say to simple things. I was trying to figure out what was actually being said due to old garbage. That is when I went hunting on the internet and found Rory. Thank you! for being out here. My friends say I’m like a different person, still me but so much softer. Everyone can get so much closer to me. I am stonger without walls. I still stutter to blankness with a man when I get confused with so many emotions. I am getting better about not shutting down and saying something of what is inside. I love me and my void. I get tired and sad sometimes – but having been into the void and the soup, I don’t go into a funk for long. I cry now and am glad I can – knowing it cleanses the bad memories. Just wish a few more guys would show up so I could practice my circular dating more. (tee hee hee)

    Thanks for letting me vent.



  21.  #21gina on July 17, 2010 at 8:30 pm

    Lucy,
    I can relate to the fear of boredom, and the feeling of fear that what felt good about a relationship that didn’t work out is somehow bad.



  22.  #22gina on July 17, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    I knew D wasn’t made of steel, but I felt good around him. The only other moment that was a bummer was one time he got too drunk and started dumping out limes at a restaurant – like in an arrogant way. And I was like “NO!” and he was like “I’m sorry baby,you’re right.” and he stopped. It was a night of heavy duty partying. On the way out of the bar, his flip flop got jammed and he ended up falling all the way to the ground – it was a combination of bad luck, and impaired motor skills. He didn’t even remember it the next day. When he tried to tease me about how I clumsily almost fell out of the stool at brunch the previous morning, I gently let him know that his fall took the cake – he was really embarrassed when I described how he had behaved, and how that was the first time I felt “unsafe” with him. I haven’t seen anything like it until the last 2 nights – he seemed out of control and super insecure. He seemed to be thinking that I’m too good for him, and it was like he needed me to tell him that’s not the case. He said that his mom said that we should go ahead and get married if we are planning on moving in together in October – she said “why wait.” I somehow sensed that she wanted me to “prove” that I’m serious about him by making that commitment, which conveys that she feels insecure about my relationship with him. And now that I have this impression that both of them are scared that I’m not going to want to be with him, I started to wonder about it myself.

    Tonight, I took him to see my magical beautiful dream home. I enjoyed being with him, and I liked how appreciative he was of the neighborhood (it’s a really awesome mix of old and new). When last night’s weirdness came up, I let him know how weird it felt to doubt his words. While he was telling me about how he has nothing to hide and how there was nothing influencing his behavior, his arms were crossed on his chest, and his posture felt defensive. He said that he felt very insecure, but that there was no substance involved. I felt disengaged and stuck and empty. He said he felt empty, too. that he just keeps thinking how sorry he is that he “betrayed my trust” – these are pretty strong words to describe the fact that he kept licking me the other night, and yet they feel accurate. There was lots of awkward silence, and then we came back to my place. we sat around and chatted – things felt pretty good. I let him know that I feel like spending the night alone, and he was good about respecting that – a totally different person than he was last night. I don’t know what to make of it.



  23.  #23gina on July 18, 2010 at 12:42 am

    He said something about how he betrayed my trust and he feels like he just f—ed it all up and he doesn’t know how to fix it. I feel so weirded out and grossed out and bewildered and betrayed and furious and over it!



  24.  #24gina on July 18, 2010 at 12:46 am

    and then I also feel compassion and concern for him, when I consider that he’s heavily addicted to something.



  25.  #25LEI on July 18, 2010 at 1:13 am

    I have this problem with my husband still calling his ex-girlfrien from another country. they’ve been together for 6 yrs, before they broke up 2 yrs ago. I have been asking him to stop, because it is hurting our marriage.



  26.  #26LeLe on July 18, 2010 at 6:40 am

    Gina,
    If the mom is pushing for you to marry him, don’t. Follow yourself, your feelings. There is something you’ve not seen or at least not acknowledged you’ve seen. Take care of u.



  27.  #27dorothea on July 18, 2010 at 9:25 am

    i finally talked to LI on the phone (been missing his calls) and now we’ve been fighting for 12 hours.

    it escalated. he like…dropped the oars. well maybe i’ve had them the whole time. so i dropped them. and then i basically said things like we’re through. have a nice life.

    i dunno. when i feel THIS bad, crying for hours etc., i want to spite him and also never speak to him again.

    im an immature little brat and i don’t give a fuck



  28.  #28dorothea on July 18, 2010 at 9:25 am

    i finally talked to LI on the phone (been missing his calls) and now we’ve been fighting for 12 hours.

    it escalated. he like…dropped the oars. well maybe i’ve had them the whole time. so i dropped them. and then i basically said things like we’re through. have a nice life.

    i dunno. when i feel THIS bad, crying for hours etc., i want to spite him and also never speak to him again.

    im an immature little brat and i don’t give a f*ck



  29.  #29Brenda on July 18, 2010 at 9:30 am

    Hello,

    A new man, Green Man, from POF finally exchanged contact info with me and asked for a date. I am very interested in him so far. We seem to have a lot of the same interests.

    He suggested a picnic at a park. I have a little wiggle time because he suggested this afternoon. But I didn’t receive his message until just now cuz I haven’t been online. Here’s what bugged me:

    “You pack the picnic basket and I will bring the folding chairs a blanket and music. I would like to hear some more of your poems.”

    I am not fluent with feeling messages yet. I am wondering if any of you will please give me some feedback on the thing of ME bringing the food. No, and especially not on a first date. I am drawing a blank here for something well-worded. I got on the phone with him and totally blanked out, just saying yes, that would feel nice. Since I didn’t get back to him, he made other plans. So this may not happen until next weekend. I just want to start out right with this man, and this feeling message sounds lame:

    “It would feel so good to go with you for a picnic. I don’t feel comfortable with packing the lunch. What do you think?”

    Any ideas?



  30.  #30Brenda on July 18, 2010 at 9:33 am

    And I need to work with the trigger that made me go blank. In my past, I was yelled at if I resisted or said no to what I was told. So I just blank out and it’s next to impossible to say what I really feel if it’s not what the other person wants.

    It’s one thing for me to sit on here and compose feeling messages with you all. But when it comes to uttering it to a man, my mind goes blank. There’s a huge inner voice that says, “You are not allowed to say no!”



  31.  #31dorothea on July 18, 2010 at 9:40 am

    woah
    is this anger management issues i am having?
    oh gross i feel yucky and disgusted w myself



  32.  #32Jeannette on July 18, 2010 at 9:41 am

    Brenda, tell him, “You know I really would like to go on this picnic but because you invited me, it would feel so good if you provided most of the food this first outing. What do you think?



  33.  #33Lizzie on July 18, 2010 at 9:43 am

    Dorothea – what on earth happened? I think I am out of the loop – did you have a good thing on the go with LI?

    Brenda – personally I am ok with packing the picnic as I have special eating requirements and I would make it a very lite picnic just in case I don’t like the little green man and need an escape. Probably not helpful…. how about this for message.

    I am feeling good about meeting you and like the picnic idea. I am going to make it an “afternoon tea” or “recess” picnic and then if we have an inkling of like for each other, I will feel total delight for you to fix an awesome picnic for the second date. What do you think?



  34.  #34Lizzie on July 18, 2010 at 9:47 am

    nah, I leaned over…..good feeling messages aren’t supposed to have “when you …” in them right??

    I am stumped – i’m in my head…not good….



  35.  #35dorothea on July 18, 2010 at 9:48 am

    lizzie i dunno i have just been feeling bad and i dont handle it very well.

    i am exploring this trigger.



  36.  #36Brenda on July 18, 2010 at 10:01 am

    Lizzie,

    Your sense of humor cracks me up! I liked that about what if you don’t like this little green man?! LOL!

    Jeannette,

    Thank you, I think I lean more strongly toward your feeling message. But I honestly feel totally uncomfortable with asking the man to bring the food because it is new territory for me.

    I know this isn’t healthy, but I am accustomed to paying cuz Ryan was on disability and cuz most of my men have been in prison the past 21 years. I need to break out of that, but durn, I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to deal with this, that a man would just step up and take me out to eat at a nice restaurant. I want a REAL date. I want to be wined and dined. I really don’t WANT to go out to a park on a hot day. I have never, ever enjoyed the kind of dates where you get all dressed up and go to a really special place. Not with a man I loved, anyway. And the “real dates” I had I could count on two fingers. With nerds.



  37.  #37dorothea on July 18, 2010 at 10:03 am

    i feel so afraid and anxious when things aren’t going very well. i worry that if something isn’t going well with me and him then the people in his life are going to see something is bothering him and they will like me less, even though they have no idea what my side of the story is, or he will tell people in his life that something is wrong right now in our relationship and those people will like me less.

    this fear constantly motivates and defines my behavior in tense situations. i try to bully him into fixing things. or something

    i feel very upset and tearful.

    i feel really ashamed of myself and sorry for myself too. it doesn’t feel good to have this fear influence my life.

    and i just keep thinking about how my family is so different from his, and how that makes them all so much better than me and i am already in the one-down position and i can’t possibly compete with them or what they have.

    and most every time something has come up about my wanting to make a good impression on his family like meeting them the first time or knowing they are around him when we are having a disagreement, i just can’t handle it, and i have panic attacks or something, like i’m sobbing and am getting short of breath

    and i feel so ashamed and pressure feels trapped in my face and my teeth and the lump in my throat feels like it wants to explode in screams but i feel afraid to scream and this is a constant trigger and i feel scared it will never get better and i feel so ANGRY this happens like this because it overshadows my credibility to have been upset in the first place if he did something that made me feel not good.

    then the whole thing just turns into, “oh, dorothea’s just ‘triggered’ again.” when it’s like helloooo the trigger was some bullsh*t the man did

    i feel so flawed and low and worthless right now.

    i’m not sure which step to take from here with myself.



  38.  #38Brenda on July 18, 2010 at 10:07 am

    I guess also the question in the back of my mind is we’re sposta let the man make the plans and all but guess what? I don’t like picnics that much. All I can think of is bugs and heat and discomfort. It’s okay, but again, why not a nice steakhouse and then a walk in the park or sit on a blanket? Probably because he’s broke.

    I am not too enthused about dating, in case you can’t tell. I want to be a wife, dammit!



  39.  #39Lizzie on July 18, 2010 at 10:07 am

    dorothea – are you a scorpio by chance?
    given the background you have shared, there are a few places we could go messing around. We share some life experiences and I have been trying to label mine more effectively as well. From what you have shared, I feel abandonment and fear of complete loss which for me would translate to: HA! you can’t dump me because I am dumping you first! SO THERE! TAKE THAT YOU JERK!!! And if you add in being a scorpio (I am one – so I know about the desire to destroy – even self-destruct at times; lucky for me I am a cusp. Never the less, when triggered the level of self-destruction is overwhelming)

    Just to show how triggery this is for me, I was quite happy with Family Guy response to my feeling message about the end of the week feeling that we were going to get together and he had responded that he is overwhelmed and can’t commit time right now. I was feeling secure and relieved. I have now morphed! into feeling rejected!! like I am not on his friend list?! I am not worth any of his small window time?! like WTF?! who does he think he is rejecting me?! I am working all this through because my initial feeling was a lovely feeling of calm and I do continue to feel he will be back in touch sometime.



  40.  #40dorothea on July 18, 2010 at 10:13 am

    not a scorpio but a capricorn.



  41.  #41dorothea on July 18, 2010 at 10:20 am

    resisting urge to call him up all teary eyed and sobbing

    considering eating so i can better handle thinking and feeling. it’s 11 and i havent eaten anything.

    ugh except i am trying to eat 1000 calories or less a day right now, which probably isn’t helping (though my NV says that it doesn’t matter if i’m starving or well-fed, i’ll always be a psycho).



  42.  #42Lizzie on July 18, 2010 at 10:21 am

    dorothea – let go of the family sh*t! If I may, it feels like bringing my rejection history into a new set of relationships I know nothing about. I did that with my marriage. And guess what I found out – the married-in family was worse than the one that was not emotionally there for me! That large extended married-on family, where my fabulous children spent many many days and weeks on the family farm and were lavished with “love” – have not had even one birthday card from any of them since my ex-husband came out of the closet and I left. Can you freaking believe it? A family of 20 have completely shut out two completely innocent grandchildren. Huff!

    Anyway – for you sweet dorothea, please look at the family of your LI as just new people in your life. Go find out who they are, make friends with them. Be open and let go of judgement. They are just humans like everyone else in your life. You will like some of them more than others – and that is wonderfully ok. Find a way to crack yourself open – let go of expectations and judgments and all will be well. Stay centred in yourself – your fabulous diva self. Think of your self as bringing a wisdom from your life experiences that is so valuable and makes you a deeply rich and wonderful person. Lean back and just be beautiful – simply because you are!



  43.  #43dorothea on July 18, 2010 at 10:27 am

    thank you lizzie

    wow i want to call him i want to text him but that is just avoiding feeling my feelings

    and honestly it has never actually made anything better before

    i think i am going to weep over an egg frying on the stove



  44.  #44Lizzie on July 18, 2010 at 10:30 am

    Dorothea – Oh, lovely sensitive capricorn! I so love capricorns and I am not supposed to – evil scorpio….

    1000 cal a day? seems a tad thin – you might not be eating enough… I am doing 1,200 and walking (since I hurt my knee and can’t run) seems to be OK – except I have been very sick for a week now.

    Oh and if they are dumb enough to judge you – well actually they can’t if you are siren diva self full of life wisdom that makes you fabulous. Give them a big luscious hug the very first time you meet them – you know the 30 second complete wrap-around variety that makes everyone melt! Fabulous!! It really has an amazing impact. They will feel so amazing they will talk about your warm-amazingness for years to come.



  45.  #45Siena on July 18, 2010 at 10:35 am

    Brenda, feminine can say no to whatever doesn’t feel good (or what she doesn’t want), but masculine proposes the experience or fixes what doesn’t work for feminine.

    So if you don’t feel good going to a park, say so!

    “I feel silly telling you this, but I don’t want to eat at a park. It conjures images of bugs and heat and discomfort. I’d feel really good spending time with you though. What do you think?”

    THIS is why feminine holds all the power, because NO always wins. But it’s also why masculine makes the plans… Because otherwise masculine would have no power at all!



  46.  #46Jeannette on July 18, 2010 at 10:38 am

    Brenda I am like you….don’t like to date, don’t like hot parks, don’t like to have to fix up all the time for dates….Brenda, I am getting ready to go out with a man like you usually date. He has little money and is very very shy. Rori told me NOT TO date him because said I “rescue” men too much. He has some health issues too and never had a good job! Oh brothe…doesn’t sound good does it. Anyway, I met him in high school and recently has looked me up….many years later. Still a very shy but very very sweet guy. I always get myself in jams because I lean heavy toward to underdog and like to help people. He told me he is very much in love with me and was also before. Oh brother, I would have to be a romantic!! Help!! I probably will never end up with a lot in life, BUT the man does love me. But I need to love myself too and so do you!! What would you think would be the right thing for me to do, honestly? I know Rori is full of knowldege and I need to listen up.



  47.  #47Brenda on July 18, 2010 at 10:38 am

    Oh, Siena, thank you! You seem to make sense of all this to me and put it in very understandable terms for me! I feel good with this. It isn’t natural for me, but that’s cuz it’s out of my comfort zone. I am going to have to ease saying no into my comfort zone. I am going to email him your feeling message verbatim. I really appreciate it.



  48.  #48Lizzie on July 18, 2010 at 10:39 am

    Siena – I feels so enlightened! thank you! I am writing your note down so I can remind myself –

    feminine can say no to whatever doesn’t feel good (or what she doesn’t want), but masculine proposes the experience or fixes what doesn’t work for feminine.



  49.  #49dorothea on July 18, 2010 at 10:44 am

    I met his parents 1x already. they like me ok.



  50.  #50Jeannette on July 18, 2010 at 10:45 am

    Siena, in my case (#42), I guess I just have to tell Mr. Shy at some point that I need someone who can help me long term in a financial sense in order for it to be right……then I will assuradly break his heart…..



  51.  #51Brenda on July 18, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Jeannette,

    I totally relate to you having a heart for the underdog. I don’t feel qualified to answer your question because you know what I would say! 🙂

    I will tell you what Larry Norman told me tho. He is my all-time favorite music artist. I asked him once about helping underdogs. He said you can give and love to anyone, but that doesn’t mean you have to marry them. I wish I had listened to him. I just got wrapped up and trapped up.



  52.  #52Siena on July 18, 2010 at 10:50 am

    Jeannette, or maybe you’ll inspire him to fix his finances!

    Men fight wars for women they love… Surely you deserve nothing less. 🙂



  53.  #53Lizzie on July 18, 2010 at 10:52 am

    Dorothea – you are quite fine – let go the bad movies in your head – let go all that judgement – stop rejecting yourself. Just stop it. Write down on a paper “Incredibly bad movie -do not go see this movie” and then rip it up – or better yet write it with a big marker on a page of entertainment from the newspaper and then rip it up – it is a much more satisfying rip. Breathe in calm, centredness, replace the negative energy with positive energy. Let it all go now.



  54.  #54Siena on July 18, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Dorothea, siren! He’ll call you. This man is in love with you. He’ll call you to fix it… Now go do something nice for yourself so that when he DOES call, you are leaned back, open, and sweet…



  55.  #55dorothea on July 18, 2010 at 11:01 am

    unfortunately because i act ugly now i have things to fix too. how lame is that! i am going to find the e-book buried in my computer somewhere and look through some parts again.

    i feel like a bad dog. i wouldn’t want to date me.

    he will call. more than anything i feel scared that his family can see something is wrong and think i am “bad” for him. hate that thought!! drives me crazy all the time



  56.  #56Siena on July 18, 2010 at 11:04 am

    I went to the event last night as I planned. At first I felt really uncomfortable because the friend I went with wasn’t really enjoying herself. But then I decided to not let her mood affect mine, and I absorbed myself in fully engaging in the experience. SO glad I went!

    But it’s a pain to go to events like that without a man to take care of the details of driving, finding parking, getting tickets, etc.

    Made me appreciate good men even more.

    And I feel good that I didn’t deny myself feeling happy last night! Neither the broken date with #1CD nor the attitude of my friend got me down for long. Yay!



  57.  #57dorothea on July 18, 2010 at 11:11 am

    yay siena that is awesome. i am going to my event on tuesday!



  58.  #58Brenda on July 18, 2010 at 11:15 am

    Dorothea,

    Your inner, hurting parts need your compassion, not your judgment and condemnation. Caress those parts and gently allow them to speak.



  59.  #59Siena on July 18, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Just reading this in a book, thought I’d share. Gives me chills!

    “when desirous of a life change, or any kind of change, it’s wiser to start from a place of, ‘I am who I am today because this was my choice and it has served me well. However, it no longer serves me. My choices have changed, and I give thanks for the amazing transformational energies that now sweep through my amazing life.'”

    You don’t even have to remember the choices that led you to this day, but by understanding you made them, the power becomes yours.



  60.  #60Brenda on July 18, 2010 at 11:24 am

    Siena,

    That’s excellent! Thanks for sharing!



  61.  #61dorothea on July 18, 2010 at 11:25 am

    i feel ball and chained down to my facebook account. i signed up to use it for work so i could be an administrator on our pages and now i use it for personal stuff sometimes too. i want to make a work-specific account for facebook for me or anyone else at work to use for that purpose.

    i feel like i would be losing so much if i deleted the account. it feels out of control. like i can’t see what everyone is doing. i won’t know if someone puts up some awful photo of me looking haggard from an event or a party.

    at the same time, i really dont like facebook on principle, and i want to be a woman of my principles, and go back to how it was 7 months ago before i signed up for facebook.

    i am going to post my email address for my friends to see before i delete the account or something



  62.  #62pat on July 18, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    Dear Rori,
    I have received your letter alots of times but it was really difficult for me to explain about how i feel in my relationship because it is a long story and which really hurt me inside my heart.
    here is my story,i am married with a man and having kids with him,we did our wedding and started having kids,we have been married for 5 years now and now we have two daughters.
    after our marriage this man started treating me bad telling me alot of things which he wants to do to me,many bad things he was doing to me,i was having a patient with him because of my kids,i felt my kids are too small for me to divorce him,what really happend now is he left me and went to marry another woman in australian because of the woman has money,without not telling me,when he was going to travel he told me he was traveling to another country called cambodia,later i find out he was with another woman in austalian,after 5 months he came back to me started fighting me and telling me that he is going to marry his own town woman,which is another woman,before he left back to australian i find out i was pregnant for him again,i cried,now i have decided to relocate to another country,where he would never see his children again ,i feel i can not make life with this man,since we got married no happiness,i want you to advice me if i should keep the
    pregnancy because starting life with two kids and carry pregnancy might not be easy for me,i want you to advice me what to do at the moment.
    hope to hear back from you,
    sincere,pat



  63.  #63gina on July 18, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    dorothea,
    maybe it would feel good to just spend less time on the account?

    Siena, that little bit about our power to say no was so yummy. Thank you!



  64.  #64gina on July 18, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    I am thinking I ought to separate myself from D for now – cause something is seriously wrong. Either he was under the influence of something, which is of some concern since he won’t come clean about it. Or, insecurity lead him to behave in ways that left me feeling uneasy and turned off. Either way, I feel like there is some stuff that needs to be taken care of before I am willing to commit to him.



  65.  #65faubourg on July 18, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    hello everyone,

    i think i need to visualize myself being asked out by a man i fancy…

    i have a question on that subject, could you please give me your feedbacks? :

    i am not ready to have dates with men because they do not see me. they do not invite me and also i do not go out much where there are many men.

    and i am also so worried and “in my head” that i look too busy or too worried and my clothes say out loud “i am not interested in seduction i am busy” (but busy like i have three or six kids to look after and i have no time for seduction even though i am single and with NO child)

    so i thought that to start the process maybe i could talk to men myself and see how and what i do when i am with them.

    writing this i realize that i often maybe always do the first step when i like a man!!!!!! oh my god! it has to be in a safe situation where i know the man is safe (ex: a cafeteria with several companies eating there or a colleague etc.. it is never someone i don’t know at all that i meet in the street or outside.

    and when a man (i like) shows signs that he wants to talk to me or ask for my phone number i run away.

    i feel ugly actually, i am not but i feel ugly and i expect a man to ignore me completely and look at other women, it is hard in my heart, i feel hurt straight away.

    thank you if you have advice for me

    i wish you the best,



  66.  #66faubourg on July 18, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    Sienna, i like that too,

    “when desirous of a life change, or any kind of change, it’s wiser to start from a place of, ‘I am who I am today because this was my choice and it has served me well. However, it no longer serves me. My choices have changed, and I give thanks for the amazing transformational energies that now sweep through my amazing life.’”

    i find it comforting to add “for today” when i think about sthg i do or don’t do and which i would like to change
    for ex: this afternoon i saw (in a park) again this very handsome man i met last thursday in another park!

    i believe in signs and i thought i should go and talk to him! but i could not for today. maybe tomorrow i could.



  67.  #67Lucy on July 18, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    “But it’s a pain to go to events like that without a man to take care of the details of driving, finding parking, getting tickets, etc.”

    Oh yes yes yes, a thousand times yes!!!!

    The kids and I are planning a day at the amusement park (45 min drive) for this week, and I feel exhausted just thinking about it. It was so much more fun doing those kinds of things when their dad did all the driving, etc. I did ask my older son to drive and he will, but I’m still gonna be the one responsible for “running the show.” 🙁



  68.  #68Lucy on July 18, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    Brenda, I would feel yucky, too, if the guy said, “You pack the picnic basket….”

    and I would have a hard time telling him how I felt.

    What’s the status of that situation?



  69.  #69Lucy on July 18, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Re: four hour guy . . .

    What do you all think of saying this to him:

    “I feel ambivalent about continuing an email relationship if we are definitely never going to meet. What do you think?”

    That feels true to me. And I don’t feel attached to the outcome at this point….



  70.  #70gina on July 18, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    I just saw D and said that I love him and care about him and hope that we do have a future together, but I can’t get past the other night. I don’t understand what that was, but there’s something weird that needs to be addressed. I feel like I ought to give him the space and time he needs to take care of whatever that was, because right now, I have the impression that he is not ready for a committed relationship. He insisted that he was, so then I said that I feel wary of a committed relationship with him because I can’t get past the other night. He eventually said he would give me the time I need. I said that I’m here for him if he needs something. He asked if I’ll call him back when he calls, and I said I would. He asked if I’m serious about him – he said that he needs to know. And I said that I am, and that I do hope to hear from him when the time is right, but I will be dating other men just because I am not sure about this, but I won’t sleep with anyone unless it’s serious, and that I hope it will be with him. Then we hugged goodbye. I feel good that I stuck to my guns because I still have a very strong suspicion that he was on something. I asked my friend who was at the salsa bar, and she said that he seemed off that night, and that she’s never seen a man be so openly insecure unless he was f—ed up. I hope that at some point he can come clean.



  71.  #71joan on July 18, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    Yay, Siena!

    I feel glad to hear that you opened yourself up and allowed yourself to have a good time at the event – even if you did have to wear your boy hat just enough to manage those icky logistics.



  72.  #72joan on July 18, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    Dorothea,

    As a sister Capricorn, I feel curious at a more practical level than foraging for roots of your distress in your family of origin. How do you feel about not being present at such a significant family event as the wedding of your LI’s brother?



  73.  #73Brenda on July 18, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    Lucy,

    So far I am holding off giving Siena’s suggested feeling message until he re-extends the picnic invitation. He had written the POF email on Friday, and I didn’t receive it till noon today, and it was for 3 pm today, and he lives in New Jersey, about 1.5 hrs from me.

    So when I called him (he had just given me his number, and I called him since it was time-sensitive). I explained to him I haven’t been online and just got his email. He said he had made other plans so maybe some other time. We just talked on the phone about 1.5 hrs, and it was an excellent conversation. I felt very comfortable and compatible with him. I ended it because I have plans tonight.

    So I’m in a good place with it, and I will use that feeling message if he suggests a picnic again. Thanks for all your support, everyone!



  74.  #74Lizzie on July 18, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    Hey Sirens – has anyone on here used “singleparent.com” as a dating site? I just paid my $18.00 USD for 1-month. This is so pathetic – the men are mostly thousands of miles away even though I have placed a mileage/country restriction – to no avail all the matches are huge distance; as well I selected height and weight – and again the matches don’t fit the basic criteria. And I have already cruised through the entire deck – slim pick’n I say. I just hate the idea of going back to POF – maybe time for something completely new….has anyone paid huge $$$ to a dating service?



  75.  #75Brenda on July 18, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Lizzie,

    Sorry it’s a disappointment. I have decided to just float my profiles out there on free ones. My criteria are so specific that I just don’t find it worth it. I am on POF and OKCupid. I found craigslist a waste of time. I have concluded, at least for me, my best bet is to meet flesh and blood men in my area by going to events where I will find quality men.

    Whatever your interest is, go where men with a similar interest will be! Just be out there! I love it, and I’m heading out NOW! 🙂



  76.  #76Lizzie on July 18, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    Brenda – I believe it baby! I am going to un-list myself and will have to phone them tomorrow. I hate this. But I gave it a shot – and I agree so I shall stick to this gaggle of golfers I found and will just go play with them in August when I have some saturdays available.
    Have FUN tonight!!!



  77.  #77Lucy on July 18, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    Brenda, what kinds of events are you going to in your area?



  78.  #78Lucy on July 18, 2010 at 6:06 pm

    I really like my friend Tattoo Man. He just updated his pof profile and included this: “I truly only enjoy intimacy with someone I Love, I’ve learned thru the years of being single that when it’s otherwise, it isn’t satisfying.” Aww……



  79.  #79dorothea on July 18, 2010 at 6:12 pm

    hey joan
    i actually feel fine although i hadn’t thought about it. i mean i met his parents only 1 time and that was about a week or two ago. i am the one who had put the breaks on meeting his friends and family at first, plus neither of us can afford for me to fly out to the wedding nor can i take a week off of work when he and i are going on vacation for a week starting wednesday.

    i talked to him and we are making up. he loves me but when we fight he doesn’t know how to deal with me. i don’t think he has a lot of experience with his. blah.



  80.  #80LeLe on July 18, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    I am feeling sad. I love myself for feeling this way. I am seeing P. We started out good. We did not progress at the same pace. He was moving faster than I was but gave me space. We had become exclusive. Then he stated he had changed his mind and did not want marrage – unsure of what he wanted. I know, the classic line. He still wanted to see me. I told him that I wanted it all, that I understood but that he did not get to have me all to himself. I agreed to still see him and I am actively looking for other opportunities to circlular date. It feels good to see him but sometimes it doesn’t feel good to not have others yet. I am unemployed right now so I’m dealing with multiple negative thought generating situations. I would welcome any suggestions.

    I feel happy, sad, angry, hopeful. I cry for all the years I lost, I dance for how much I’ve grown In the last year. I want an encouraging word…



  81.  #81Rori Raye on July 18, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    LeLe, Welcome, and thank you so much for your comment – you sound wonderful! Brava to you, and I look forward to hearing more about every step you take – Love, Rori



  82.  #82Rori Raye on July 18, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    LEI, Welcome – and it’s your decision. Whether this hurts your marriage or not – whether you can tolerate it or will leave him over it. There’s no way he’s going to stop because you ask him, or he would have. Counseling and negotiating might help – there’s likely some deeper things in your relationship that are contributing to this – anger, fear – and these things have to get out into the open so the love can flow – I wish you luck, and we’ll help you. Start now with the ebook, practice the Tools, see if you can open up the relationship emotionally so he isn’t channeling himself elsewhere. Love, Rori



  83.  #83Rori Raye on July 18, 2010 at 7:06 pm

    pat, Welcome, and so sorry – I would never tell any woman what to do in this case – you’ll have to look inside yourself, and get some counseling – there should be free counseling wherever you are around this. I’m so glad you’re getting away from this man. Love, Rori



  84.  #84Brenda on July 18, 2010 at 8:24 pm

    Lucy,

    There’s a special speaker at the Christian coffee house I go to. He’s from Georgia. He’ll be there Mon, Tue, and Wed if you’d like to go with me! 🙂



  85.  #85Brenda on July 18, 2010 at 8:35 pm

    Pat,

    I am so sorry to hear how horribly this man treated you. It is good you are getting away from him, and I hope you never allow him back into your life.

    I know it is difficult to move and be in distress when you are a mother. However, even the child in your womb needs your protection. She or he already has fingerprints, feelings, and a heart beat. If you cannot handle it all, you could at least give your child the gift of life, and there are many families who would love to have a child to adopt. There are no cheap solutions, but when you give your child life, you are preventing pain to him or her, and to yourself as well. Pregnant mothers are the second victims of child-killing. Please don’t let anyone kill your baby. A crisis pregnancy center could help you in many ways.



  86.  #86dorothea on July 18, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    hi everyone, thank you for your support today. when i am feeling uncontrollably upset and i come here, it always keeps me much more grounded than other ways i could handle it. i really really appreciate it. you’re all so wise in your own ways and so supportive and loving.

    <3



  87.  #87Megan on July 18, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    Tinque and Renee,

    thanks so much for the kind words.
    I feel sometimes like my situation is so isolated and unique that no one could really relate but Tinque, you always seem to know what to say.
    it is SO HARD.
    I feel very tired but def have more I’d like your input on so please stay tuned!
    these posts take off with all the new comments and it’s hard to keep up!
    wishing all you ladies a good night
    it feels good knowing I am not alone
    i feel there is a lot of hard-earned wisdom from you all and it feels like a gem mine
    thats sounds silly, hope it makes sense
    i’m tired and rambling sorry! 🙂



  88.  #88lm on July 18, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    hugs, dorothea.



  89.  #89Mermaid on July 18, 2010 at 9:31 pm

    Ok, ladies… I’m new at this. Please let me know your feedback.

    I’m trying to incorporate feeling messages into my life as well as express my feelings so that I don’t hold on to hurt/bad feelings and become resentful as well as a doormat. Here’s the scenario:

    CD#1: I invited him to escort me to a wedding Saturday evening but I knew that he would be out of town for work the entire week prior and was unsure when he would be returning. He said he would love to escort me but would have to let me know if work would allow him to return in time for the wedding. I was fine with all of this and I heard from him each day (via text) while he was away but he never mentioned the wedding. Sat afternoon when I rec’d a text from him I responded with feeling messages but when texting back and forth I then told him I felt bad that he hadn’t let me know if he would or wouldn’t be able to esort me. He apologized and I said thanks and that I would be ok. BUT, I didn’t hear from him at all today 🙁

    CD#2: Since CD#1 was out of town, CD#2 and I decided to meet up after the wedding. First, he texted me where to meet him, but never texted back what time (and I was on my way.) After waiting 20 min for his response, I called and asked him when he would be there and he said in 1 hour. I was already there and he knew that we were texting as I was in route. I told him that I didn’t want to wait alone for an hour and that I felt like going home. I said, I feel sad that I won’t get to see u tonight, but I don’t want to hang out alone for an hour (at a club.)

    He said he had just left where he was and would be there in 20 min, so I agreed to wait for him. He introduced me to his friends. While we were outside he asked if I liked to dance and I said not too much. Later, back inside the club, he went outside again to smoke but didn’t ask me to come. Then when he came back to the table he said he wanted to go find a female friend of his (he had just introduced us 10 min prior.) I said that I was unsure if he was asking me to walk with him or not. He said that he wanted to dance and that I didn’t so he wanted to find her but was also trying to be respectful. I waited for a few min for him to return then made my way to the dance floor, where he wasn’t dancing, he was just talking. I went to the ladies room and when I returned he was walking onto the dance floor with her. I told him I was leaving and he hugged me goodbye and was looking at me very awkwardly. Within 15 min he texted me that he was on his way home. I responded that I was as well and that I even tho dancing wasn’t my thing I would have danced with him and that hanging out while he danced with others felt bad. He responded with “Did I mess up?” I responded: It felt bad and I want to feel good.
    I haven’t heard from him again either!!

    Wow, what a quiet day today has been! I have always been such a door mat in all of my prievious dating experiences. Did I go overboard here??



  90.  #90Brenda on July 18, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    Mermaid,

    I think it’s good that you told him it felt bad dancing while you waited. If he is a decent man, he will treat you better next time. If he isn’t, you may not hear back from him. But it’s pretty clear he knew he messed up. Seems pretty self-centered to me. But I’m no authority, because I am working my own way out of being a doormat.



  91.  #91Jennifer on July 19, 2010 at 7:14 am

    oooh,
    Mermaid I feel triggered by your situation.
    B did that to me one time at a reception…ignored me and talked to others in the room
    thanks for the trigger, I will work through this.
    TRIGGER!!
    I still feel nasty today…I think my hormones are outta whack.
    I had a migraine last night and had to take heavy drugs..my dog woke me up at 2am and I couldn’t sleep again very well.
    I hid my profile on POF.I have contacts on eharmony but I feel like “meh”
    Whatever..I don’t wanna go look, I’m imagining more boring men and “living in they mamma’s basement” types.
    Gaads.
    My sister and I went porn shopping together yesterday and spent the time talking about Judo instructor. She thinks he’s the hottenss too.
    *sigh*
    Just a little dissapointed.



  92.  #92Brenda on July 19, 2010 at 8:00 am

    Quote for the Day:

    In order to be old and wise,
    I have to be young and crazy!



  93.  #93Jennifer on July 19, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    ok, now Judo instructor is commenting on my old photos……he totally wants me.
    That’s my story and Im sticking to it.



  94.  #94Lizzie on July 19, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    LOL! remember the guy from POF that I thought blew me off last Sunday when I didn’t return his call until Monday because I wasn’t feeling well? He freaking called me! and this time we are getting together on Wednesday. This is the funniest think. Talk about feeling total surprise. I am still sick – have lost my voice and have a puffy sore throat. I think I have toncilitis except, I don’t recall that I have toncils. But one day someone told me they can grow back.



  95.  #95Lizzie on July 19, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    Jennifer – I canceled myself off POF; signed on and paid for single-parents – oh that is sooooo bad….OMG! this is so depressing.



  96.  #96Jennifer on July 19, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    Oh, Lizzie…it’s not depressing, is it? Why? I dont’ get it?
    Tonsils don’t grow back, thats an old wives tale. You prolly got a dose of the strep throat. Gargle with salt and garlic water…..simmer garlic and salt in water for 20 min, strain, cool and gargle three times a day. Also Vit D3 and B complex.
    Good times.
    Two of my GF’s say I should totally do it with judo instructor…………mmmmm……….bendy judo instructor…mmmmmmmm



  97.  #97Lucy on July 19, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    Any thoughts anyone on this feeling msg for 4 hour man?

    “I feel ambivalent about continuing an email relationship if we are definitely never going to meet. What do you think?”

    Btw I feel really tired and sad. Blah. 🙁



  98.  #98Jennifer on July 19, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    Lucy…sounds good to me.
    But take my advice with a grain of salt ….I’m hormonal and distracted.



  99.  #99Daria on July 19, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    Lucy – I have a hard time feeling “ambivalent” as a feeling feeling. I would send something more out my heart… and also I would think in this case that there are deeper feelings under the ambivalence…

    I flutter my heartbook, what am I feeling?

    I feel a lil weird, dissapointed? Curious about him still?



  100.  #100Siena on July 19, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    Lucy, how about “I feel really tired and sad. I don’t want an email only relationship. What do you think?”



  101.  #101Daria on July 19, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    Me personally, I feel kinda mad that we’re not going to meet. It feels weird to hear that Your Village is too far from me… I don’t want to engage with a man who isn’t ready to move mountains and seas to be with me… and I really like you… what do you think?



  102.  #102dorothea on July 19, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    replace ambivalent with what you really mean: UNINTERESTED



  103.  #103Jennifer on July 19, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    uninterested *IS* a better word….me likey



  104.  #104Brenda on July 19, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    Daria, I really like the one about moving mountains and seas!



  105.  #105lucy on July 19, 2010 at 7:36 pm

    thx everyone. i don’t feel uninterested. don’t feel terribly interested either. thus ambivalent. 🙂 like, i feel interested in knowing if we would click if we met. daria you helped me realize tho that i do feel kinda Surprised that his village is “too far.” So maybe i feel surprised to hear that the distance is too far, and ambivalent about continuing if we will never meet. what do you think?



  106.  #106Brenda on July 19, 2010 at 7:45 pm

    Lucy,

    Wouldn’t you like to meet him? So you know if he IS worthy of your interest? I really liked Daria’s feeling message or Siena’s or a combination of the two. I mean, of course you feel ambivalent, or apathetic. The dude isn’t stepping up. Wouldn’t you feel different if he was hanging on to every ring as he called you, hoping you would pick up and say yes to a date at a fancy restaurant? Wouldn’t that give you a different attitude? Or is it the man himself that has you ambivalent. I feel uncomfortable, also, with the use of this word in a feeling message. I would want the man to ask me on a date. To me, after a lot of online dating in the past, a man doesn’t exist until I meet him in person.



  107.  #107Denise on July 20, 2010 at 7:23 am

    To me, after a lot of online dating in the past, a man doesn’t exist until I meet him in person.

    This is a great comment/advice…I agree. Keep in mind too that as humans, we are meant to court in PERSON, NOT electronically. So any time spent electronically doesn’t count. Good thing to consider when expending our limited resources such as time, energy and attention. If he’s not willing to meet in person within a couple of emails, move on.



  108.  #108Brenda on July 20, 2010 at 7:53 am

    Thanks, Denise! I am pretty sure Greek from Match is a scammer from another country. He refuses to talk to me on the phone. He has been sending me good morning messages for about 2 weeks now, with simple poems. This morning, I decided to start ignoring them. Let’s see if he goes away or if he’s a real man. I don’t want to waste my time and energy on a scammer.



  109.  #109Denise on July 20, 2010 at 11:06 am

    Brenda, my subscription to Match is up 8/6 and I am so excited, I can’t wait! 🙂 I know I can hide my profile, and I do for long periods of time, but just mentally knowing I’m officially not paying for the service will be a relief!



  110.  #110Brenda on July 20, 2010 at 11:16 am

    Denise,

    Have you found scammers on there, too? What makes you not like it? I quit after one month. I think mine’s up in a few days. I am just going to stick with POF and OKCupid.