If Love Isn’t Happening For You – Read This From Debra Darlen

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The Question:

I’m feeling frustrated with my situation. Despite investing in courses and workshops, reading books and practicing tools after several years I am still single and have not met anyone that I have felt a deep connection with – or evena strong attraction.

I can’t magically make a guy I like appear and I feel disappointed…

I feel anxious at times because time just seems to be rushing by and for me that has been hard because of my age and wanting to start a family.

I have gone on lots of dates and dated a few guys for a little longer but despite all my efforts nothing has developed. I have found that there haven’t been many guys I am physically attracted to online but even so I have met them in person and been open and receptive.

I always have a nice evening and enjoy the date and sometimes have gone on 2nd dates with nice guys to see if my feelings could develop but they haven’t and although I appreciate being open to different types of men I don’t believe in forcing something that isn’t there – I am looking for a partner, not a friend, so the attraction needs to be there at some level more than platonically.

I understand the principles of ‘circular dating’ but I’m not sure about the idea of keeping 3 guys on a ‘rotation’ just so that you have someone to date.

For me that feels like wasting time if I know that it’s not going anywhere with these men. Whilst I’m spending a night with one of them I’m not available to meet a new guy who may have potential…at the same time I feel like I’m not getting anywhere…there’s all the online communication to have to deal with and it’s hard to keep up with messages, then there are the guys that just message back and forth for ages without initiating a date and then go quiet. All this is so energy consuming.

I want to feel more intentional with how I date but I don’t know how?

Debra Darlen’s Answer:

…Thank you for sharing so openly and vulnerably ….and

You are not ‘alone’ – I’m quite certain…

I’m 100% positive that there is ‘no course’ and that there is ‘nothing’ you could do to attract ‘the One’…no less ‘Any’ man you wish’ for..so..and of course…you can test it for yourself…’all of you’ reading this…and if you find one..PLEASE PLEASE…let us all know..

Science and reality does not ‘back that up’ …sorry ladies…

What you ‘can do’ is deepen your ‘Self Understanding’ ..or ‘Awareness’ …such that you understand your ‘Unique’ LovePrint..and also any behavior patterns ‘in yourself’ that do NOT serve you in relationship…so that ‘you can shift’ in ways that…actually…’Open You Up’….for attraction, love and connection…to ‘flow’…

And for Intimacy to flower and deepen…

You can only ‘attract’ what you allow…and that is not personal to ‘you’ – Laura-Anne – this is ‘universal principle’ ..for us all..

We are ‘open’ to certain ‘attributes’ for reasons nobody can truly understand..and we are ‘closed’ to certain attributes in the same fashion…so..all you ‘can do’ …is..

Become ‘aware’ of what you are ‘closed to’ and perhaps…begin ..’opening’ just a tad…baby steps etc…and ‘test it’..

Attraction IS an important aspect and there is no denying..this..AND it is the ‘most’ missed…or cut out by us for various reasons….that are somewhat ..’shallow’..(no disrespect intended) ..meaning…a ‘body type’ ..a ‘certain height’ …’eye color’ …etc…

We can ‘unwittingly’ be completely ‘closed down’ to anyone who is not fitting into a very ‘narrow physical’ category…without even realizing that…

For example, I am 5’8 and completely ‘rejected’ (unknowingly so) men under 6’. I’m sure there are a ‘myriad’ of reasons why.

Until I started taking private dance lessons and my male instructor was 5’7 – an inch shorter than me!

At first, I was disappointed that he was my instructor as there were other male instructors who were taller.

However, within a few weeks, I was thrilled with him as my instructor!

At first, I found him ‘unattractive’ (internally) and I now see him as a very attractive, vibrant, talented man. He is interesting, entrepreneurial, kind hearted, intelligent, and for sure, if I were ‘dating again’, I would open my ‘options’ up to men of all heights – now.

Before this experience, never.

Not to …‘analyze’ attraction…which it may ‘seem’ I am doing..simply to ‘understand’ the dynamic for ‘you personally’ is where I invite you to ‘delve’ into….especially as it is seems to be something ‘you do’ internally on the first meeting or date?

So…Notice….you with you…how this ‘works within’ you. For example…is at the ‘sight’ of a photo? And go real slow…and ‘test it’ …don’t ‘judge it’ ….again you with you…

Be easy..gentle…kind with yourself…this is not an exercise is ‘self recrimination’ …❤️ rather an exercise in…softness..openness…curiousity…for you…

Notice…when you are attracted..to other things…as well..for example…an outfit…clothing…jewelry…animals…..gently..notice..you with you..how this ‘operates’ within your ‘mind’…

This takes a practice is ‘Stillness’…sort of like ‘witnesses’ or ‘observing’ your ‘inner workings’ of your mind..and notice the ‘emotions’…easy does it…

This is ‘no big deal’….actually…to do..and ‘means nothing’ ..other than it will ‘serve you’ to understand yourself…better…and also be a ‘space’ for you to ‘open’ …

‘Knowing’ ahead of time…is a killer of attraction….so..when our mind tells us ..’We know’ …fill in the blank…I can’t feel it for him..it is ‘all done’….no sense bothering to even try…your mind is ‘Pre- made up’….

Opening your ‘mind’ …can not be ‘forced’ ..either…so…curiosity is always the key…inner curiosity…

No one can ‘convince’ you on this matter of attraction..you can not even ‘convince yourself’ …so…simply….

Notice…is all…

Lastly…and there are ‘so many places’ I could go with your post..and Natalina’s responses…just beautiful stuff….

However…I do want to ‘touch’ upon a couple of notions..you raised…in a follow up post…

‘The One’

‘’Attract any man you wish’

I will invite you all to ‘question’ both of these ideas..gently..in my next post..

Let me know if this shed any light for you..and..

So much Love to you…

Thanks for posting..

Hugs..

PS…I would also invite you to ‘take a look’ at when you ‘did feel attraction’…in Slow Motion…
Retrospectively…introspectively…’not to judge yourself harshly’….rather..

When there was this ‘attraction’….then…’track it’…for yourself….meaning….at what point did it dissolve…for you…?

How do you ‘react’ when you ‘feel attraction’….how do you ‘treat him’…internally…externally…and how do you treat ‘yourself’ …internally and externally…when you feel attraction…and..

How you treat ‘others’…internally and externally….do you compare and reject other men..? Do you open up and see ‘more’ possibilities with others..? Do your other relationships ‘bloom and blossom’ or Do other relationships ‘dry up’ and do you ‘isolate’…yourself..?

All interesting ‘internal’ awareness’ (not right or wrong good or bad) that are well worth taking a ‘peek’ at ..for ‘all of us’…not just you….here..

This is amazing stuff…that CAN open you up…sweetheart…so..

Your choice…to do or not…of course…and…I can only suggest…a ‘Willingness’ to open…is a great place to begin…for…those of us..who are…

Or seem to be ‘stuck’ in the ‘no attraction’ phase of dating..men!!

Love, Debra

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