If Low Self-Esteem Is Making You Chase Down A Man – Fix It Now

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Sometimes, when I look back, I’m just amazed at how naive and “stupid” I was about men.  How I humiliated myself, chased after them, pined after them, and thought that was the way relationships went.

And so when I get a letter that makes my face red, and makes me want to stomp around, I know it’s touched me personally – perhaps Diana’s letter will touch you, also , and we can really work with it:

“Dear Rori, So,  I Just slept with a guy and now he is distant. Ok, yes I know the drill, but I need more advice. Ok here’s the story.

I went to a holiday party for some friends and I was the bartender. I have been out of the dating scene awhile and have been lonely for a year now. I was in a very bad relationship a couple years before. Well when I arrived at the party, a close friend to my friend asked about me and asked her to casually introduce me to him.

Now keep in mind, since I was the bartender no one started drinking until after I got there. So he kept coming to the bar and asking for a drink. My friend later told me that he was doing this as an excuse to talk to me. So I took a break from bar tending and my friend finally formally introduced him to me.

We started talking and of course as the night progressed he got more intoxicated and of course let feelings loose. He would talk about his family and things he did with every now and then telling me how beautiful I am (I am aware that a lot of guys use this to get into a girl’s pants) but he seemed very genuine plus he was interested in me before he started to drink.

Then as the night went on we started getting really into each other and began to kiss. We continued to talk and it got a little more intimate. I Stopped and said I really want this but I know you are drunk and I don’t want this to affect how you feel about me or judge my character based on if I go home with you tonight, but I explained my situation to him. He said that he knows he is buzzed but he knows exactly what he is doing and what he wants…he even said he was sober when I walked in the door and he thought to himself ” Oh My, this woman is gorgeous I want to know her more” and that’s when he ran to my friend.

So yes I made the mistake of sleeping with him, although I do not feel regret or sorry that I did because it felt good, but I am just disappointed that the next day he did that cliche thing a lot of men do and didn’t call even though he gave me his number and took mine. I texted him to see  how he was feeling and I noticed his texts were very short and cold. I had a feeling what this meant so I told him that I didn’t act myself that night and I didn’t want him to think I was like that (I stated that at the party as well) he responded by saying “don’t worry about it, I was not exactly controlling myself either.”

So I said ok well I was just trying to make that clear as well as ask if you wanted to hang out next weekend. He asked the date and I told him and he said he had something to do ( I intercepted this as bull?) so I said oh ok I understand, all I wanted was to see if you wanted to get to know each other better since he was so intoxicated that night and I’m not sure what he is looking for if it was a night of fun or what. He said sure maybe after the holidays and he said that he didn’t know what he was looking for  but ” we can figure that out later.”

Now I’m stuck with these feelings I don’t want. He doesn’t text or call or nothing but he accepted my friendship on a social network. H also does respond to my texts when I text him. I stopped texting him a couple days ago. I have not sent much texts just the ones I have mentioned. I just don’t know what he is thinking or what I should do, he really seemed like a nice person.

Oh and another thing, mutual friends have told me he is pretty shy around people he doesn’t know well. He also told me that he is insecure around very good looking women (when he was talking about relationships when he was drunk at the party). Please help me, I’ve had enough pain in my life and loneliness, I really like him. Thanks, Diana”

Here’s my answer:

At first, my reaction was “This is a joke letter.”  I simply didn’t want to believe that any of us women could have this all so wrong – and then I realized that we ALL have this so wrong!  Yes, we do!

At the bottom of Diana’s question is this – her belief that the entire problem here is that by sleeping with this man right off, she made him think she was “easy.”  And so everything she’s thought, said or done is about correcting this impression of her she thinks he got, and someone convincing him that she’s “not like that at all.”

I seems obvious (but it’s not, really, not when you’re in the middle of it) – we cannot convince any man of anything simply by telling him his first impression is not so.  Diana could show him her whole family album and tell him about every date she’s ever had and every time she’s ever slept with a man, and it wouldn’t change anything he FEELS about her – it would just – and here’s EXACTLY what’s happening

-it would just make him think she’s a pitiful, needy, weak, nearly crazy woman with low-self esteem, no confidence, and a lack of any kind of understanding of men and sex or anything – who’s CHASING him – and in Diana’s case – almost to the point of stalking him.

Of COURSE he’s answering her texts – she’s intimidating him.  She’s frightening him, and making him feel unsafe. He may be AFRAID that she’s crazy.

Now, you say – how can this be?  Diana is a nice woman who had SEX with him, for goodness sakes – he owes her at least some conversation…surely he KNOWS if he sleeps with a woman he owes her something…

And that is completely untrue (at least in our American and European cultures – if your culture is different, please let me know).  When we have sex with a man, we are doing it out of our own free will, and for our own reasons.  And if our reasons are NOT GOOD FOR US – that’s still OUR responsibility.

On top of which, this man was drunk, and so Diana was not even having sex with a fully conscious, alive person.

Diana – this is not about a “drill.”  This is not about some “rules.”  This is about simple, basic common sense, and building your self-esteem so that you never, ever again go anywhere or do anything with a man unless you’re absolutely sure you’re absolutely OKAY even if he NEVER calls again.

Even though I’m being tough on you here, my heart goes out to you – because it is SO painful to hear about you treating yourself so badly.  Sleeping with him was not the problem.  It’s totally okay for you to have sex with a  man if you feel like it.  Even a drunk one.  But that makes him a “boy toy” for the night – not someone you follow up with, call, and try to turn into something more.

What happens after sex is STILL all up to HIM.  Otherwise, the very first rule of all my work is not happening – and that is that ANY man you spend ANY time with HAS to be sending his energy to YOU, and not sucking YOURS up.

If he’s not calling – then he’s not worth your call.  Period.  Certainly not a call in which you ask him “how he is.”

I hope you’ll find this post, make some comments and let the wonderful women on this blog help you…I also recommend my “Reconnect Your Relationship” and “Toxic Men” programs for you (after the ebook) so you can begin to understand how all this is playing out in your life, and how you can turn it around, quickly, by using and practicing my Tools in the action of “Circular Dating” and get the kind of relationship with the kind of man you truly want.

Love, Rori

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38 Comments

  1.  #1alias girl on December 28, 2008 at 2:29 pm

    i heart you rori. omg. i remember being in this mindframe. it is so painful. basically just spinning and spinning nowhere close to what’s really happening in reality.

    diana if you are reading this know that there is a way out. definitely you can start with rori’s e book if you don’t already have it. i am guessing you do not. but the ebook is not too expensive it’s accessible and you can get started on your path towards self love.

    wow. that was such a painful place to be and mostly just because i didn’t have any decent information about men and relationships. also because i was stuck in my head alot trying to figure things out and strategize to get love. it sounds absurd knowing what i know now from rori. love is of the heart not the head. the more i unzipper my heart while still maintaing Strong boundaries and the more i let go of results and am curiouss about other people and men and the world around me and the more i am in my body feeling my feelings the tenfold times love there is in my life. even in my current situation i feel soooooo much more love bc i am loving myself.

    wow. i feel so gratefuland diana this is your big chance to turn your life around. i hope you read rori’s answer!!!! xoxo!!!



  2.  #2gina on December 29, 2008 at 1:50 am

    I can relate to Diana’s story, though I hate to admit it. Heck, I sort of played this out last night. And “I’m not that kind of woman,” either. I actually do feel good about it, and I haven’t contacted him at all, but I did let things go a little further sexually than I had wanted prior to heat of the moment. Also, after we fooled around, I told him “that was the sluttiest thing I’ve done in a long time.” So, I didn’t go as far down the path as Diana did (or as far as I have gone in the past), but still not quite home free. Thanks for laying it all out so clearly, Rori.



  3.  #3heartbeat on December 29, 2008 at 4:00 am

    It feels so painful to seek the approval of a man if we’ve got into a situation that, deep down, we FEEL isn’t right for us, or that we talk ourselves into. Or to feel ok at the time, and then make ourselves wrong. As soon as we start to love ourselves and take responsibility, life gets so much easier, interesting and exciting. My best wishes to you, Diana.



  4.  #4Cassandra on December 29, 2008 at 2:01 pm

    Diana….you have totally come to the right place and I hope that you get Rori’s ebook and the start with her programs. Don’t send this man one more ounce of your enery…no calls…no texts….nothing. Start to read the ebook TODAY if you can – it will help you get over the pain that you are feeling right now and move forward. FOCUS ON YOU! Don’t even think about what he is doing or thinking because that energy needs to be focused on YOU. You will get so much aweseom information and help here not to mention love, support and lots of great ideas that are in line with Rori teaches. I wish you the best and I look forward to seeing you more on the posts.

    I also realized that even though my situation is so diffferent than Diana’s, I am still seeking Charles’ approval in pretty much everything. I know that part of it is because I in our/his (sometimes he says it is ours and sometimes it is his) house and that will change when I move but for now I do feel at his mercy…wanting/needing his approval for things, in a way. That is a really bad feeling to have and perhaps that is part of why I feel all that anger right now…all of that rage? I am going to try to STOP asking him for his opinion/ thoughts or feelings on anything and everything unless we are having a REAL and CONNECTED conversation and I need to know how he feels about deeper issues like our future and that kind of stuff but even then I will try to do it using the feeling messages and only then ask him what he thinks….like in the power speeches. I am glad to have read this post…it helped me ALOT!
    I love you guys……xoxoxo
    Cassandra



  5.  #5Reshi on December 29, 2008 at 4:30 pm

    I’m finding myself thinking of texting the guy I was out with last weekend. But why would I even do that? I’m not attracted to him. The connection is just off. I guess part of me is feeling like I owe him because he took me to a super nice restaurant. But I don’t owe him, I paid in full with my radiant presence. He even said so because he thanked me for being his date. That’s such a strange feeling to get used to (again) (no, not again, I never was used to it to begin with). Thinking of myself as a radiant presence, and my delicious glowing essence as what men want? That feels like crazy talk. But then again, sometimes it feels true…



  6.  #6alias girl on December 29, 2008 at 5:36 pm

    cassandra it’s so great to see you dealing with the dark side of your feelings with charles as well. it’s good bc then you can see the whole picture. and like rori said there is always more than one truth in any given moment. just to FEEL our ways through gives us a good direction for our hearts and dreams.

    reshi even if you did owe the man something (which you don’t. you gifted him with your presence and also by giving hima chance to row/pay whcih a real man Loves to do) but even if you did owe him rorisuggest we Lean back by not initiating that contact. so mayboe something else is going on inside you that makes you want to lean in?

    i woke up super tired. what is the deal? i eat well. i exercise. i love myself. i have a nice comfy bed. i got enough sleep. what’s the dealio? day 4 (?) of feeling grateful all day long for all that is. thank you thank you thank you!



  7.  #7Reshi on December 29, 2008 at 6:56 pm

    Yeah, I’m really not sure what’s making me want to lean forward. Maybe this sense that I have to be the one to make things happen in my relationships, I have to be the one to get my dating life going. Maybe it’s a sense that I’ll “lose” if I don’t remarry before my ex does.

    I have at least 3 other, more attractive (in theory) guys that I could be responding to as the ball is currently in my court with them, but I’m somehow scared to do it. Maybe I’m OK with messing up things with someone I am unattracted to, and afraid to mess things up with someone who could be better? Really I don’t see any of these guys as my next soul mate so I don’t know why I’m afraid to talk to them.

    Yes, I do.

    I’m afraid they’ll find out how little money I make, and lose whatever interest they had in me. I’m afraid they’ll find out everything I did to break my marriage, like they’ll see inside me with a microscope. And I want to hang on to them because I’m thinking they’re all I have, even though there are millions of men in this city.

    I’m afraid that when they meet me, they will see that I’m not what they’re looking for, and will be rude or rejecting. I’ve put these guys on some kind of a pedestal and from there, all they can do is look down on me. Time to climb back up there and knock them off. ;D



  8.  #8Cassandra on December 29, 2008 at 8:10 pm

    Thanks AG…I did not realize how much I was indeed seeking Charles’ approval on most things. For example, on Sunday mornings when we would be getting ready for church he used to tell me all the time how beautiful I looked and how happy he was that i belonged to him. He has not really done that in a long time without me asking him “Does this look ok?” What the hell? Who cares what HE thinks I look like as long as I feel good about how I look and what i have on or how my hair is done. why does HIS opinion matter? I am not doing that again. I am really going to try to NOT ask him that kind of thing anymore at all. I wil however ask him what he thinks when we are talking about something serious and I ahve just given him a feeling message but that is different.
    Reshi…these men are lucky to be able to spend any ounce of time with you no matter what you make or what you do for a living or waht happened in your marriage. By you just being YOU they are gifted to spend that time with you and none of that other stuff matters. The more that you allow them to see YOU in all of your vulnerability the more that you draw them inand eventually you will find one that will step up and be that prince charming that you want him to be AND he will be someone that you are attracted to and not 3 feet tall, bald with no teeth. 🙂 I am so in awe of your strength and courage Reshi. You are truly amazing!
    AG…I remember Rori telling Daria one time that your body responds to things physically taht we deal with emotionally and perhaps your body is telling you that it meedds more rest for some reason…perhaps you have been dealing with a big emotional shift that warrants your body needing some extra tlc? Perhaps? Just a thought.
    With love and hugs….
    Cassandra



  9.  #9Maria on December 29, 2008 at 10:33 pm

    Men can be rude if they stop feeling attraction and they can be rude in rejection. (how dare they) But l belive there is a way to eliminate his rudeness, and turn things around.l just dont know yet how.



  10.  #10Reshi on December 30, 2008 at 12:41 am

    So I got my cojones on and replied back to most of the cute guys…now the balls are in their court, which is as it should be, I suppose. I’m running at a rate of 1.5 feeling messages per e-mail, which I know is super low, and it’s ridiculously masculine of me to be analyzing it to begin with! Reshi’s very much in her head when she talks to boys, so 1.5 is still huge and scary and vulnerable.

    I got the BEST rejection e-mail ever from one of the guys. He was like “I find you incredibly attractive, but I just don’t think we’d be compatible personality-wise” or something along those lines. Sweet, you’re hot, you think I’m hot, and I don’t even have to talk to you? That there was a perfect relationship for the 2 minutes it lasted. I was actually riding on cloud nine all day from that. Mutual attraction is always worth celebrating, even if it leads nowhere. Sometimes nowhere is exactly where you want it to lead.



  11.  #11DocK on December 30, 2008 at 9:37 am

    I feel for Diana as well. Our culture tells us that men can be sexual human beings – sex, no strings – but we women – that’s another story.

    Sometimes, I wonder if we even want something more after – maybe we don’t. I think our culture tells us that if WE don’t want MORE – we are any of those labels that are put on women that feel free to honor their sexuality. I love that Rori doesn’t judge us if we want to be sort of rocker chick free spirits and have boy toys if we want. Been there, done that. It CAN be fun.

    I think Rori gave great advice.



  12.  #12Talullah on December 30, 2008 at 11:06 am

    I just got the book but wish I’d had it before this all happened, oh my god have I been leaning in! I met S a couple of months ago through a (female) mutual friend who I work with who has known him for years. I had come out of a very difficult and draining 3 year relationship. S asked me out on a date. We had a great laugh, at end of the night he walked me to my car and we kissed on cheek, which was fine because I was attracted to his humour but at that point not physically,he did little for me then but the attraction has grown. We got on really well, spoke a couple more times in the week and he came over to my place a couple of weeks later. We ended up in bed, we did not have protection so did everything short of having sex. He behaved absolutely perfectly, he didn’t go ‘AWOL’ and next morning he invited me to his at end of the week. We talked a lot, emailed and texted but I wasn’t doing all the first moves,I would see if he was making an effort and he was he was definitely running toward me. The tension was great after a week and we ended up in bed very quickly. He was affectionate at other times and obviously physically interested in me, we had a great time in general and spent the whole weekend together. We have seen each other a few more times and we regularly text, email and speak on the phone and have grown closer and I have felt energised. At the beginning I went on a couple of dates with other guys but felt they were just after sex and there have been no other offers coming.Uh oh, once we had sex I started running towards him, I can see it now. S is central to a group of friends that is very close and a bit claustrophobic sometimes, it is rather like being in a goldfish bowl. We talked about the impact our getting together had on the group; as they are all protective of him and seemed very interested/excited in us (I think he may have been hurt in the past). Our mutual friend is also part of the group and protective of both of us and vocalised that she worried if either of us might get hurt. S reassured me that he wasn’t planning on hurting anyone (me likewise) and it was our business alone and nice that we have got together as we share same friends, which is important to him. I am also set to ‘girl time’, I know I am doing it but I can’t help it: hours feel like weeks, weeks are like years. I am worried that I have come on a bit strong to quickly. I sensed it when we were texting at first, I sent a sexy text, he’s a bit shy but he did respond, it excited me and we kept ‘going’ but I feel now that I really pushed him out of his comfort zone. I am a very sexual person and also tried things out to try and keep his interest (oh Grief,I now know that was wrong!) he has always responded but maybe he thinks I am just after one thing (I have said that I am not) or he thinks ‘he has to keep up’. I was doing it all to make him happy. A few weeks ago, the group including me and S went out for a meal, he wasn’t drinking as he had to work the next day, everyone got tipsy, including me, he pretty much ignored me all night and spent more time talking with our mutual female friend which was a bit upsetting but I didn’t say or do anything about it. I was not the worst behaved on the night and was conscious I didn’t want to screw it up in any way with him or in front of the others. His (male) best mate paid me more attention than S did and told me that “if S ever does anything to screw it up he’ll have me to answer to” ( I was glad because I had his best friend’s approval). Since then various people from the group have commented on the fact he ignored me and that hurts too, I felt foolish. We both had business trips so over last few weeks we haven’t seen alot of each other but we have been in touch a lot, phone calls, texts and emails. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and fall for people quickly. I said that I couldn’t wait to see him, missed him and he responded in kind. But again I think I was ‘pushing’ him to do so. Sometimes he sent back texts that you’d send to a friend, a bit emotionless and I pointed it out, other times he sent warmer ones ‘missing you’ and pet names etc. I also think he has a bit of a crush on our mutual female friend and we have talked about it but he denies it, I am not worried because she is totally in love with her husband, but I do wonder if he is waiting for someone like her, ie: lovely with him but not after him! He invited me to his house on Xmas Day and introduced me to his parents and other friends, which I thought was a great sign. But he’s been blowing hot and cold. When we are together we have a good time, we laugh, we enjoy similar things, we have great sex but he has not opened up emotionally. After sex he rolls over and goes to sleep, or just sits and watches TV. He doesn’t talk about anything really other than the superficial. Don’t get me wrong I love sex, but I don’t want to be just a ‘friend with extras’. I told him this after we had had sex two days ago because how I feel after sex is quite overwhelming. He said he wasn’t very good at opening up, he told me that he had been told that he is distant in the past but that was just him. I don’t think that is fair, I deserve someone who will connect with me. so I told him how I felt. That I was anxious I was falling for him with him but his blowing hot and cold was confusing me and making me feel vulnerable. He listened but that was all, no comforting arm, cuddle or kiss or words at all then rolled over and went to sleep. I just kissed him on the shoulder, said good night and went to sleep myself. No tears or tantrums or demands. The next morning we had sex (not making love, because there is no emotional connection from him) and later met his parents for drinks, he walked with me arm in arm but he kept dropping into conversation how he wouldn’t be around for a while so I knew we wouldn’t see each other for days. I’d been away for a week and he didn’t seem bothered that we wouldn’t see each other whereas in the past he would initiate trying to see me. I didn’t say anything then but I felt even more confused. We were supposed to be going round to his parents for lunch but I got a strong feeling that he didn’t want me to go to his folks so I made my excuses and left, certainly with no disagreement from him. We were also supposed to be seeing our mutual friend (the one I think he has a crush on)and her husband for New Year’s Eve, just the 4 of us. I was worried that he’d be cool with me again and I didn’t fancy that, not in front of them, not on New Years Eve so I phoned him and explained. I hoped to find out why he was giving mixed signals, I said I didn’t feel comfortable about the evening as a foursome because he had been blowing hot and cold. I anticipated him saying I had come on too strong and to put the brakes on but he said he just didn’t want a relationship. It floored me. I wished in that moment I could’ve turned the clock back. I tried to back-pedal, coax and be friendly about it. He says he likes me, loves spending time with me, cares alot about me but cannot open up and we would have this conversation again in the future, I wouldn’t get what I wanted so probably for the best we call it a day now. He said that he should have missed me more when I was away and that’s not a good sign. He said that he doesn’t see a future with me (I’ve never even discussed the future with him). He said that he had suggested New Years, but it was not significant to him, just a get together with friends, no big deal. He agreed that he had been finding things awkward. He said he is not in the ‘same place’ as me, I said it is fine because when I told him how I felt, I was not expecting for him to feel the same; I just wanted to share my feelings and to know where I stand. I certainly was not looking to the future and did not have an agenda in mind. I said I knew I had perhaps come on a bit strong and maybe get a bit carried away sometimes too but I am willing to adapt and was expecting to have to do so. He said that I had not done anything wrong. But with each avenue I explored to try and fix it he just blocked me.
    So sadly it ended up ‘being over’. I called his best mate (in confidence, we speak a lot anyway and he would never say anything to S) I asked if he had spoken to S. S had invited round to chat so he was expecting “S had done something to screw things up and was going to get the low-
    down” His mate said that S is notoriously useless with emotions, he had been a bachelor too long, probably going on past relationships, was scared of confrontation and intimacy, likes his own routine but he would do everything to get S to see error of his ways and he’s been ‘working on him for years’. I do trust S, he said he is not seeing anyone else and I trust his mate too. They are genuinely ‘nice guys’. Having re-read what I’ve written it does seem that he likes me but I pushed him away before he had chance to fall in love with me. He said he would call me and that was 3 days ago and we were in regular contact everyday before that. His mate has also told me that S is 100% resolute in his decision to remain single. I have not called S and will not either. I don’t want to beg anyone to be with me. I think it looks like I have blown it. Do you think there is any chance at all? I feel so sad and stupid and angry with myself because he is a great guy and I really think it would’ve been perfect if I’d relaxed and not scared him away. Any suggestions please? x



  13.  #13alias girl on December 30, 2008 at 1:08 pm

    a lot of women’s urges to nest and find a quote unquote Provider is biological. in my opinion. left over from when we NEEDED men for our Physical survival.

    i don’t Need a man for anything in my life. absolutely nothing. yet i still feel that pull to find one man and make him mine. and also intellectually i don’t even want to get married. there are other deeper motivations that pull us. or at least me.it’s strange. i think that is why we are sometimes shocked at our own behavior in regards to men. our biology is telling us it is a life and death matter that this man Stay.when in reality this is not the case. there are plenty of men and i can go buy food at the corner market. i don’t need to go bag a lion for dinner. but if i did have to i would definitely NEED a man.

    i want a man though.



  14.  #14Daria on December 30, 2008 at 7:26 pm

    OMG I feel I need a man… or somebody… because I feel I can’t take care of myself!! Wow can I take care of myself>? What does that mean? Feel scared… I can take care of other people… I can start to take care of myself and I feel I can’t because I can’t make money. I can’t make money consistently. And that is ok. I want to believe I can still take care of myself. ANd that feels like my head being squeezed, and my kidneys?? I feel like I’m banging against a huge metal wall with all of my body weight charging head first into it. And that feels scary and hopeless and useless, and embarassing. I love myself. I love that I feel like a Minotaur. Wow I feel embarassed and weird. That feels like my shoulder hurting. And my lower stomach. And I love them. I feel good too in my body. My shoulder on the left feels tense. I love you shoulder on the left. I feel embarassment talking to myself out loud on a blog (writing?) I feel ashamed. Is this how human beings act? I feel like an alien. I feel inadaquate, immature. I feel incompetent to be an adult. I feel I am too indescribable. That feels interesting. I feel hurt on the back of my neck like a mother cat is pulling me back by my neck skin and I am a little kitten. Yay. That feels nice. I feel so innocent and cute and lovable. I love little kittens, even though they are vulnerable. THey could easily die if someone decided to be mean to them, and I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to die. ANd that is ok. I feel alarmed. I feel scared. I feel ashamed. I feel cringing. I feel panic. I feel curiosity. I feel relaxation. I feel like a wave is going through me. I feel good. I feel rhythmic. I feel washed. I feel grateful. I feel wary. I feel chill. I feel shy. I feel uncomfortable. I feel bloated like a big empty bag of feelings that have all spilled out hungry. I feel like a bag full of air. I feel horrified. I feel panicked. I feel embarassed. I feel Terribly embarassed. I feel surprised at myself. I feel interested. I feel delighted. I feel smiliy. I feel embarassed. I feel embarassed to feel smily in public. That’s ok. I love my embarassment. I love it. YAY embarassment I love you. I feel blushing. I love blushing. I love me yay. It feels good. I feel like batting eyelashes. I feel like I am flirting with myself. I feel embarassed. I feel curious is this how embarassed I feel of flirting with a man? I feel victorious. I feel I am exercising my flirting muscle. I feel pleased. I feel relaxed. I feel nice… I feel spent. I feel drained. I feelgood. I feel like taking a nap. And I feel like dancing some more. And I feel like eating since I exercised even tho im not hungry and I feel all worried about what to chose. And I feel so glad to see myself worried and I love myself and I let myself know that I can let go of worry and Just pick one that I pcik that I want. Yay. That feels nice. It feels like being nice to me. I am training myself to be nice to me so then I can easily train a man to be nice to me . Hehe.. Oh this is blissful…



  15.  #15alias girl on December 30, 2008 at 7:53 pm

    i feel grossed out. i feel like someone is hitting my with a baseball bat over and over and over again. i feel tied into dysfunction. i feel sick. i feel totally grossed out by my own self.

    i feel like i can’t be at this same job next year. i don’t want to. i don’t want to. i don’t want to. i don’t want to. i feel guilty and self loathing for hating my boss so much. i don’t want to hate him. i don’t want to hate anybody. but i do. i really hate him. i have forgiven my parents. the thought of my parents do not arouse the negativity that the thought of this ugly man arouses in me.

    i feel so sad. i feel rage. i feel intense rage. he purposefully does things that affect my income. why have i linked my income to him and not turned my reliance to god/self? why? I am REPEATING MY CHILDHOOD. why? I have linked my means of survival to a malintentioned, spiteful, withholding, punishing man. Why? omg i feel like i could throw up. omg. i feel like my whole body could just start shaking with anger. like i could explode into a million pieces. i hate him. and i love that i hate him. i love my rage. i love my reinacting my horrendous childhood. i love my self-punishing choices. i love my shaking rageful body. i love that my head feels like it has a tight metal band squishing it tighter and tighter.

    i feel angry. i feel angry. i feel like pounding my fists. i feel like ripping up all my boss’s clothes and messing up his desk. i feel furious and outraged. arrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhh. WHY DO I LET THIS MAN GET TO ME? ARGH!

    and yet i love it. every hurdle i overcome with this loser of a human being I feel so much stronger. so much more dignified. this caveman has literally grown me into an awesome woman. i love my caveman boss. thank you caveman. i love you! thank you for coming into my life.!!!! thank you sooo much! I love you.

    I just don’t want to create any bad karma with him. and i don’t want to be tied to him. i know everyone says get a new job blah blah blah. But this is an inside job. when i am done here i am positive the universe will swing a new door wide open to a fantastic new opportunity with a beam of light shining through. i will not miss it, for sure. but i still have work to do here obviously. i can go pick another horrendous boss to repeat my childhood. i can go pick another lame -o man to date to mirror my self loathing but the real turnaround HAS to occur within me or it’s for naught.

    i feel so grateful for this website and these tools and you awesome women and the newfound power and self respect and gratitude i have. i feel sooooo grateful. omg. i could kiss myself!

    the absolute trick with this caveman is to NOT let him get to me. that does not look like me pretending he does not get to me but to truly not let his asinine shenanigans get to me. bc that feeds him. and more importantly, bc it messes up my vibration and brings me low (LOW!).

    MY SOURCE is god/self/universe. My sustenance. my income. my livelihood. my dreams come true. my peace of mind. my health. my opportunities. ALL COME FROM god/self/universe. that is what i need to remain conscious of and swim in every minute every second of my day.

    i feel so much better. omg. i feel like i just avoided a huge horrible black/green storm of toxicity. like the storm passed over me and is going back to where it originated.

    i read once we can imagine we are holding up a mirror to toxic people so any negativity they are projecting onto you gets bounced back onto them.

    omg. i feel relief. i almost got sucked into a really bad place and i bypassed it. HAHAHAHHAHAHHAH! i feel really relieved and at peace. wow. thank you.

    sorry for this big purge of blah.

    (it’s funny to me that everytime something comes up that triggers my family stuff i always end up using metaphors like vomit and throwing up. when i lived with my family years ago i was buliamic as a way of coping with trying to stuff all my feelings. I just find it interesting. anyway not bulimaic for many many years and that is just one more thing to be OH SO GRATEFUL for.) god, i really feel grateful. phew. i am so glad i did not start the new year being sucked into someone else’s vortex of self loathing and acting out and instigating.

    wow. phew. so grateful.



  16.  #16Daria on December 30, 2008 at 7:56 pm

    I feel Terribly embarassed at feeling Terribly Embarassed! My nose is stingin and tingling, my left shoulder is cringing up! I feel stiff like Quasimodo. I feel amused and I feel Love towards myself. I feel good in my throat. I feel good in my b00b? LOl I feel embarassed. I feel sillly. I feel good. I feel realease! I feel a wave of going through my body with aftershocks. I feel like I’m working out my emotions. 20 embarassment squats. LOl. 15 Anger pushups. 25 Fear/scared/afraid lunges and plies. Lol. YAY. Shake it out! LOL. I feel very free and fun. I feel like I am enjoying myself. I feel pleased. I feel kitty-like. I feel soft. I feel like I am sliding in my body. I feel bored… I feel worried… I feel yawning… I feel afraid… I feel interested… I feel amazed at my feelings… I feel proud… I feel good… I feel worried… I feel overwhelmed… I feel on top of my stuff… I feel in control… I feel awesome… I feel gleeful… I feel yawny… I feel tired… I don’t want to write anymore…. I feel beamy! LIke a Carebear… I feel embarassed… I feel gross… I feel like I got punched in the stomach… I feel annoyed… I feeel gone… I feel yawny… I feel relaxed… I feel compelled to point out how my feelings have like a cycle and aa wave like feeling and pattern… I feel like a scientist… I can imagine myself asa scientist studying my feelings… I love them… I feel pain in my shoulder… I feel disapproval… I feel horrification… I feel worry…. I feel stress… Deep stress… I feel like I’ma psychic … I feel like im in the 1800′;s and I feel so worrie dbecause I have to raise my children and I don’t know what we-ll do for money and I’m always worried… like a movie with lots of wodden houses and bonnets and long dresses with lots of layers. I feel interested. I feel tight. I feel alert, very alert. I feel happy that I realize I have these “states” actually cycles of feelings often. There are cycles and patterns of feeling I have. I remember Rori saying soemthing about this. I feel like an underwater explorer. I feel like firecrackers going on inside me… I feel cool… I feel a rush… I feel interest, fascination… I feel amazed… I feel chill… I Feel gratified… I feel yawny… this is so cool… This is very cool… I very much like this rollercoaster ride I am on… Life is cool… Life is very cool indeed… I feel like smilng to myself… I feel happy after all… I feel good in the middle of me… I feel yum yum in the back of my neck… I feel like a poet and I feel my fear in my lower back, I feel it on the top of my cheekbones too. I feel you… I love my fear. I feel so beautiful… I feel like a goddess. I feel amazing amazed. I feel heavenly. I feel wonderful. I feel overflowing and drenched with love. This is so cool. (Is this how we’re supposed to be feeling all the time? Because if so I don’t mind one bit. And It’s ok if I don’t feel like this all the time. Because I love myself. And that is good. And I feel fear in my throat. In the underside of my jaw. I feel like a pelican pouch. I love my pelican pouch. I feel like a Medicine woman. I read a cool book called Jaguar Woman. I feel my tummy growling. I feel my butt getting pinched (is that what the feeling is? how weird? I feel scared worried and ashamed? Oh I feel shame on the side of my but… haha interesting and yet horrifying and humiliating… oh that feels soo good! OMG … I am definitely dancing some more… I danced all day and yesterday and My feelings are just flowing right now… I feel tense jaw… Do I keep doing this? talkinga bout it, Aaa I feel panicked… I feel tense chest… I feel shoulder hurt… I feel cheeks numb,… I feel side neck pinch, and scalp pinch… I love my feelings… I feel alarmed… I feel exposed… I feel exposed… I feel (naked?) I feel weird… I feel vulnerable>? I feel vulnerable… It feels very exotic… It feels like being a monkey in the jungle… AAAH I feel big fear and embarassment… I feel myself jumping to reject myself out of fear… I feel fear… I feel fear and I love myself even though I feel panicked… Thank you… thank you panic… I love my panick… even though I hate my panick… I panick my hate… I panick I feel angry I Feel angry I panick I love my panick my anger… And I Want to love my hate… I don’t feel my hate… I don’t know hate? Do I know hate? I Feel worried, confused… I feel fear, numbness… I feel cold green black cold dark fear, worry fear worry anger fear worry black green dark cold. I feel hate… I feel sad I feel cry… I feel grief. I feel sad. I feel sad I feel hate I feel sad. I feel weird. I feel yawny. I feel small baby. I feel like a small baby. I feel good. I feel suckly gurgly. I feel good I feel worried I feel stuck. I feel weird. I feel embarassed. I feel surprised. I feel paralyzed. I feel strong tension in my back and all in my head. I feel my chest caved in PUshed back strong pressed back. I feel disconnected. I feel release. I feel glad. I feel I am learning my feelings. I feel release. I feel proud like a parent. I feel embarassed, I feel affection. I feel release, I feel embarassment, I feel joy, I feel embarassment, I feel sadness. I feel worry. I feel tightness. I feel yawnyness.



  17.  #17Daria on December 30, 2008 at 8:13 pm

    Wow Really weird, COOL WEIRD… and I feel shocked and curious (and embarassed… horrified,,, afraid… very afraid)… and yet I feel happy and I feel embarassed and gross…. and I feel good… I feel good ok I really want to say something, I want to say that…

    It feels scary and weird and interesting that Alias Girl and I both were writing AT THE SAME TIME and we both wrote about Hate and Green and Black AT THE SAME TIME!

    WHOA!

    That feels weird (not really just what I’m used to saying).. That feels cool . that feels like my eyes are getting teary in this weird way that happens sometimes when I’m talking in front of a group of people or reading in another language (why? I don’t know> ? weird ? I feel horribly embarassed and terrified right now) I feel so ashamed… I feel compelled to apologize for myself… I feel so surprised at what I am saying I feel like I’m listenign to someone else I feel fascinated by myself and I Feel horribly embarassed. OH I feel so embarassed to feel fascinated by myself in fron to f you omgggggg I Want to throw myself at your feet and beg you to forgive my AWFUL Manners I feel GRROOOSSS AND UNWORTHY OF YOUR ATTENTION MYLORD I AM YOUR HUMBLE SERVANT. LOl I should say that this is very interesting…. Ok I feel weird. THese voices are cool I feel interested in them…. I feel terribly embarassing writing them out foor you to see them… I Feel HOrrified and exposed completely to you… AAAGH I Feel gross… I Feel NAKED>>> SOo naked. .. I feel weird… Ifeel uncomfortable… Ok that feels better… now I feel pacified… I am reminding myself of a newborn infant…. I am loving myself… I feel so much love for mysefl and myself as an infant and I feel HORRIFIED to tell you that I feel absolutely ASHAMED I feel totally MORTIFIED I feel just GROSS and just just just icky. I feel ew icky ew and I feel unable to name my feeelling. I feel chill… I feel like doing something else… I feel distracted… I feel in my head… I feel afraid… I feel lost… I feel drained… I feel yawny… I feel fat and slobby I feel sloppy and gross, I feel blobby like the starswars ATilla the hut… I feel ilke a huge pizza hut like In Space Balls… I feel disgusted… I feel hungry? I feel gross. I feel pinching near my eye… I love my pinching… I feel pinching on my but… I feel embarssment Ii Feel pinching on my foot… I feel awake… I feel pinching on my neck I feel pinching on my thigh on my shoulders I feel rushed afraid panicked. I feel pinching all over I feel overwhelmed. I feel rushed by the river… I feel pulled out… I feel tight… I feel sleepy… I feel yawny…



  18.  #18alias girl on December 30, 2008 at 9:33 pm

    daria. i feel honored to witness your process. don’t you know you set my slave chains free just by reading your freedom and acceptance of your own self? i feel gratfeul and that feels like silent tears sneaking out my eyes and down my face.
    thank you.

    i’m going to work out at the gym now because i have all this Energy that i could have wasted and squished down by getting depressedbut i didn’t. i TURNED IT AROUND using rori’s power and self esteem tools. bc i rock and i am almost free of my boss! yahaa!! i could work under his nose for all etertnity and be FREE of him! hah! i love me!



  19.  #19alias girl on December 30, 2008 at 11:00 pm

    so now i feel compassion for my stupid boss and i just don’t know how to help that man. he’s just like this self flogging sinner that is caught in a vicious cycle and i don’t know how to help him. maybe it’s not my responsibility to help him? i feel a responsibility to help everyone only trouble is the majority of people do not want my help.:) which would then make me a busybody for trying to help. (which you’ve witnessed signs of my busybodyness here on this blog) i guess my responsibility is to help myself first. and then just feel my way through. i guess. i could never really help my parents either. i ended up just leaving them be. i suppose the same will happen here. just as well. i guess. if anyone has any input on this i am open. regarding my guilt for being happy while other people are still suffering bc of their own self loathing.



  20.  #20Daria on December 30, 2008 at 11:34 pm

    Alias Girl I can honestly say that I have gotten not One hint of busybodiness from u! So maybe you can look at that hehe… I feel like a busybody too so I understand. Your boss is reminding e of my dad I feel like he punishes himself with stress and then it’s taken out on other people too and it’s a vicious cycle. I feel paralyzed because I can hear the anxiety fear worry start building in his voice and I feel afraid. I want to help him and my mom and me too. I want to love myself enough to feel calm when their tensions rise. The few few times I have amazingly felt that way my vibe HELPED and I felt so connected and influential. Which I like. I want to feel influential in my family. I want to feel influential with my friends. I want to feel influential in the world. I want to feel powerful. Gross I feel scared. Thank u. I like influential, and I feel a little grossness and fear and MORE when I say I want to feel powerful…. It’s like getting punched in the low back! Wow! I love you fear and disgust! Thank you! I feel smily…



  21.  #21Cassandra on December 31, 2008 at 12:14 am

    You guys are so amazing. I learn SO much from both of you sharing your processes with us…thank you. I feel honored to be here and thankful to be able to grow with you both and move forward in my own process. You both are simply amazing and I love you guys….and I love me too.
    XOXO
    Cassandra
    ps…AG…I am with Daria…I have never ever felt any sense of busibodiness from you at all… you have a beautiful heart and so do you Daria. Thanks for sharing it.



  22.  #22gina on December 31, 2008 at 1:20 am

    I get that we have the right to be rockstars. But, ultimately, does a woman “earn” a man’s respect by withholding sex until the emotional and mental intimacy catches up to the physical intimacy? Or will he just automatically respect a woman who does whatever she truly wants? My situation has some similarities:

    I work as a cocktail waitress at a comedy club. The owner’s son/manager has been flirting with me since I started a couple of months ago. He found me on myspace, keeps in touch there, and recently he started texting me. Usually, he hints that he would like to see me outside of work, but he never makes a real move. Also, one awkward part of the deal is that he has a kid with one of the other waitresses. The other night, my car was towed, and he was a total hero. He schlepped me back and forth across town all night long, and he expressed that he was glad to finally hang out with me and get to know me. He told me about his past with the mother of his child – he apparently called off their romantic relationship because they constantly fought while living together. He explained that he is doing his best to maintain a good friendship with her. Throughout the fiasco, we got physically close – we held hands, and eventually kissed. The saga ended with him driving me home. It was 5:30 am, and his house is on the other side of town – i told him he could sleep at my place. We ended up making out and it felt great. Up front, I let him know that I wasn’t ready to have sex with him, but we came dangerously close to having sex, which made me uncomfortable, and I communicated that I felt a little weird about it – as I posted earlier, I said “this was the sluttiest thing I’ve done in a long time.” we laughed about what a bizarre thing that was for me to say, but I didn’t really clarify, cause my feelings were all mixed up at the time. In the morning I was back to being open and warm towards him, and we left on good terms, kissing, warmly saying bye. I texted him a couple of days later, when I was STILL dealing with my car that had been towed – I joked that he was missing the best part. He asked what was up; I told him bout my grief, and said that I missed his company. He wrote back to say that he had a lot of fun the other night (would you consider that “chasing him?” Was that a turn on or a turn off for him?). I see him tomorrow at work, and the game plan is to be irresistibly fun and sexy and just see what he does. I’m tempted to anticipate a way to respond to any physical advances by communicating that I want to see him outside of the bar scene, at a decent hour. I haven’t had sex in 2 1/2 years – and even then it was just a fling, It’s been over 3 years since sex was really a part of my life. I’m 27, I’m good looking, and i want sex! I don’t want a “cheap” connection with this guy, so I almost want to hold off on any physical intimacy until we’ve hung out a few times and gotten to know each other. I guess what’s important is that I want to feel valued and respected. As long as I make sure I’m feelin that way each step of the way, I should be fine. right? He hasn’t done anything to make me feel bad, but I guess I feel scared of being physically vulnerable without the security of a relationship. But I’m totally not ready for anything serious with him either, and now we’ve crossed the line physically – it’ll be hard to go back. I don’t even want to go back. I just don’t want to be a booty call! not that he’s treated me like one – but he hasn’t asked me on a date, either. I’d appreciate any feedback you may have!



  23.  #23Talullah on December 31, 2008 at 2:32 am

    Ok, I am clearly not THE expert (Rori you are amazing!) but from my experience women use sex early on to create bonding and intimacy. Men use sex early on to determine if they WANT TO create bonding and intimacy. Coupled with this damn hormonal connection whenever you have sex with a guy it makes things very confusing! Where was Rori and her information when I needed it? I swear I have ‘fallen in love’ with EVERY man I have slept with. Has anyone seen that old stand up by Eddie Murphy? He says “once you’ve made her go “ooooooooooooohhhhhh”, Once you hear that noise she’ll eat out of your hand (or similar, sorry Ed). If you withhold sex, but you want to have sex you’re not being authentic are you? There is only so long a guy will wait for you and he’ll be confused by the mixed messages. Don’t you feel the problem is we’ve lost sight of what is real and what is not sometimes? A great thing about being a woman is that we get to choose what and who we want to be, we can change many times a day too! Tom-boy, sex kitten, girly girl, tough, soft etc…the choice is huge for us, that sometimes we confuse ourselves. Men don’t have the same freedoms and so it’s probably not so complicated for them..lucky guys! We are not true to how we really feel sometimes, we tell ourselves things that we THINK we should be feeling “I am a well adjusted, modern woman who can enjoy sex for just for pleasure” right?! Rubbish. That doesn’t last long does it? Sooner or later you will get feelings, your (damn!) hormones kick in too and you wonder if he feels the same. He might be getting there but from my experience the moment you delve,chase, run after him, send him the first text/call/email and god forbid you tell him stuff that you know he isn’t ready to hear (but you JUST have to…) he will run a mile, whether you’ve had sex or not. This of course is all brilliant advice if you relax and remember it, which of course I didn’t and I screwed it up with a great guy! I’d be interested to know what an anthropologist would have to say about dating, sex etc…If we stopped THINKING (and telling him stuff) we’d be a lot happier. Right I’m off for my lobotomy! 🙂



  24.  #24heartbeat on December 31, 2008 at 8:31 am

    Daria – I loved your riff! I felt all those emotions you were feeling as I read your comment. I love your words, the gym images made me giggle, the vivid picture of the wooden houses and bonnet, the colours, the body stuff going on…. amazing! It all felt so natural. The soup, the scientist…. I’m holding all that with me and smiling 🙂

    Here in dear old Blighty it’s late afternoon, so I’m off for my bath now, getting ready to see in another New Year and reflect on the year gone, and explore intentions for the year ahead.

    Love to all for 2009, each and every one of you women, those to whom I’ve responded and all those whose words I’ve read and may not have responded to – I value you!

    🙂 XXX



  25.  #25Caj13 on December 31, 2008 at 10:07 am

    I agree, absolutely 0 busybody vibes from Ms. AG. Real caring, yes, a most delicate and respectful approach, definitely. Meddling? Nevah!

    Haven’t you girls heard that the best way to teach (or infuence) is through your own brilliant, sincere example? So, you’re on the right track (and it’s probably easier for us onlookers to pick up on some of your good effects thru your posts, but you will see them in hindsight and feel oh-so justifiably proud).

    Gina – no one has the code to you. No one else’s recipe will work with your ingredients. So it’s YOU who decides if and when you do whatever, for whyever. Just remember that you can change, stop, hesitate, back off, let yourself go, change your heart again and again and yet again, on a dime or after careful consideration – for NO reason (meaning no “rational”-sounding stuff for someone else), because you are FOLLOWING your ever-flowing, instantly-adaptable, ave-your-life feelings that are telling you the right thing to do for you in the moment. And even if in going with your feelings you later decide you didn’t make the best choice, that’s okay, too. “Everything” doesn’t depend on one thing, he’s just a man, and you are still the wonderful and vulnerable woman you’ve always been (all the more fragile, attractive and awe-inspiring because you can make “mistakes” and come out on top).

    Practice some “I feel” messages that might feel right in various situations that you can imagine with this guy. And then also just practice saying, out loud, “I feel…” or “It feels…” even with nothing after it yet, sort of like training your voice to jump start the message you need to get to this man. Sometimes, you wouldn’t even have to add words – a sigh or a shrug or a bright teary eye might be just as compelling while you’re trying to put your finger on the feeling. Body language is harder to fake and its truth arrives straight to the gut. And that’s where men sit up and listen, and deal with us on the level we deserve.

    Happy New Year’s Eve to everyone – rockin’ and waltzing and hugging your Goddess Queens through the night.



  26.  #26alias girl on December 31, 2008 at 12:10 pm

    hi gina. as always caj 13 has some awesome feedback. definitely following the feelings is the way to go. i am wondering if you have rori’s ebook yet? it’s a freat foundation for all her work and this blog and in delaing with men (and the world).

    i would read rori’s ebook and then start practicing your i feels and i don’t wants.

    it sound a little like you are trying to strategize. what rori actually suggests is authenticity rather than strategy. maaintaining boundaries and letting go of results.

    if you don’t want a casual sex relationship then don’t set that up in the first place and then try to negotiate more later. that’s what i used to do. read rori’s ebook and then you can communicate what does and does feel good for you.

    on the other hand if this guy is not avail for more (relationship or even dating) and you just want sex then do whatever feels right. i’ve done that too (but then ended up falling for the guy and had to end things when i wanted more and he didn’t)

    whatever you do i agree with rori that CIRCULAR DATING is really important and crucial and powerful.

    despite my experiences i do not believe When a woman has sex with a man is that big of deal. other people have other opinions but my rockstar godess self assures me that FOR ME this is true. i have sex when it feels right. (ah which unfortunately is not as frequently as my rockstar self would like)



  27.  #27alias girl on December 31, 2008 at 12:13 pm

    hey i wasn’t finished yet! i don’t want to end on that note! 🙂

    this is going to be suvh a great year! lots of great sex! a couple of cool boyfriends! circular dating with superfun guys! a man who wants to be my one and only (and vice versa).

    also lots of cash, success in my career, a new home and fun fun! good times!

    xoxo



  28.  #28Rori Raye on December 31, 2008 at 3:20 pm

    Tallulah, Welcome, and thank you for your wonderful, charming, funny, and so TRUE letter. I’m going to answer it in a post…



  29.  #29gina on January 1, 2009 at 1:52 am

    Thanks for the great feedback, Ladies! And happy new year! May 2009 bring in lots of Love and Happiness and growth for every one of us!! I saw the guy tonight, and honestly, it’s all good. I don’t even feel that hung up on him – I was just judging myself for foolin’ around. I’ve decided to just thank myself for a Hot experience, and even though we didn’t get anywhere tonight (and who knows if we ever will), it was fun to have that hotness between us. I have been circular dating, but so far, I’ve been cuttin’ the dates short for lack of interest. Nonetheless, I definitely feel the value of keepin busy flirting and dating multiple men. Thanks to Rori for the great post on keepin free of stress from sex – totally helped me keep my cool. Best wishes to all!!



  30.  #30Ann on January 1, 2009 at 9:14 pm

    I hope I can articulate my thoughts in a way that makes sense. I just had a light bulb moment while reading this post. I’d like to share some of my truths and growths with all of you.

    Concerning this post my truths are:

    1. I don’t sleep with a man right off the bat…
    2. I don’t sleep with a man I’m attract to until…
    3. If I use Rori’s tools that speak to my heart…

    Now why I think this way…

    1. I don’t sleep with a man right off the bat…My reasoning use to be all men wanted one thing and that was to get into a womans pants. I blew this one I slept with my bf(now husband we’ve been together almost 33 years) 2 days after we started dating.

    Now my reasoning is I have to keep myself protected(sexually) if I’m not interested in more with the man. And I think I need to be prepared for number 2.

    2. I don’t sleep with a man I’m attracted to until…I have enough confidence and self esteem that I can handle the outcome. As I’ve said before I’ve been reading Rori’s stuff and using her tools for awhile. I’ve come to believe when I sleep with a man is more for my benefit.

    Meaning if a man is feeling it for me and I’m the one for him, he’ll wait for sex or we could have sex right off the bat and he’ll still be there. I wouldn’t be able to push him away easily. That doesn’t mean at some point one or the other of our feelings might not change for each other. It means my emotional response to sex(with a partner I care about) are different for me. And it’s my responsibility to take care of me first. Which leads to…

    3. If I use Rori’s tools that speak to my heart…I’ll be more intune with my feelings, my heart, my truth, and how I deal with situations. I’ll know how to speak to him in a way he gets. I’ll know if for whatever reason it doesn’t work out then I’ll be ok. Sure I might hurt awhile but I’ll bounce back.

    I hope what I’m trying to share is coming through. I’m learning from Rori to stop blaming myself and others. I’m learning a new way to speak. I’m learning to share my feelings. I’m learning I’m the only one I have control of and I don’t need to keep myself in control all the time. I need to feel, and to continue to love and accept myself as I grow.



  31.  #31Ann on January 1, 2009 at 9:18 pm

    I forget to add I don’t plan on sleeping with any mam but my husband while married. But if something was to happen the above way would be the way I’d go about sex now.



  32.  #32Talullah on January 2, 2009 at 5:06 am

    Ann, I just read and re-read your post,your clarity, straight forwardness and honesty are brilliant. I am going to write your points down…and use them.Thank you.



  33.  #33Ann on January 2, 2009 at 5:45 am

    Talullah, your welcome. I wondered if I was getting across what I was trying to say. I’ve come to believe that if a man really wants a women he’ll move hell or high water to get her and keep her. That doesn’t mean there won’t ever be troubled waters tho.

    For me Rori’s tools help me be this best me I can be for me. Which benefits everyone else in my life. When I’m confident enough I can feel whatever I’m feeling at the moment and be vulnerable enough to share it with whoever is there, it draws the other person to me.

    I’m learning to share in feeling messages. Not blaming messages-to talk about what I feel not what I think someone did to make me feel the way I feel.

    I hope that makes sense lol. Have a goddess day.



  34.  #34Maria on January 2, 2009 at 7:34 am

    Ann, l am more than agree with you on the statement first in your posts, thats why l never belive if a man finds “excuses” not to do his job in relationship or willing to put an effort. etc etc



  35.  #35Tallulah on January 2, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    Just realised I have been chasing every man that I ever liked (or didn’t..) by doing too much, because it would be too scary to wait and see if they would come after ME..what if they don’t put in the effort or run towards me, feelings of rejection. I didn’t feel worthy of a man wanting to come and get ME. So I am going to have an interesting 2009, my first resolution is: I am going to be brave and just see what happens, I am not chasing after anyone ever again. Maria and Ann: the truth spoken simply, I like it, I totally ‘get it’. Thank you!



  36.  #36Mocha on January 14, 2009 at 6:40 am

    Ladies:

    As I was reading Talullah posts I began to wonder.. She makes a comment that when she slept with a guy too soon she messed it up with a great guy. My question is why do we always say he’s a great guy? If he for whatever reason decides not to be with us how is a a great guy in our eyes?? I mean overall, he could be a good guy just not for us, but what really makes him a great guy if he isn’t referring to us as a great woman? Because if he felt that way wouldn’t he be with us regardless of having sex or not??



  37.  #37Caj13 on January 14, 2009 at 8:11 am

    I get what you mean, Mocha. It’s kind of a subtle way of discounting us, i.e. beating ourselves up. I feel like using your remark to help Me not go there, not pile on the infinite regrets, etc. OK, so he Seemed like a great guy and we Wished we could have basked in his wonderful qualities, however we didn’t get a chance to see his downside. But, one glaring, huge “defect” was that he didn’t “get” how great we could have been for him! So, maybe he has poor judgment, or doesn’t even know his own best interest (despite being congenetically self-centered), or he makes stupid mistakes about big issues, or he’s going to wind up being such a bad snorer you couldn’t even share the same house much less bed! As Rori says, he’s ‘just’ a man, so let’s really try to remember that. It’s taken me awhile about a particular someone, but I’ve more or less gotten to the point where I feel I don’t like admiring what I found admirable about him. All that stuff may still be laudable in the abstract, but what I really need to feel admirative of his love for me, his bravery for accepting his own vulnerability vis-à-vis his feelings for me, his willingness to forego his freedom for the bonds of attachment…to Me. I Really DON’T care about his business prowess, his sharing of household tasks with ex-wife or commitment to His Children or aging parents, if none of that has anything to do with me, if I don’t get to be the objet of his care and capabilities.

    I went dancing last night, and suddenly his face flashed into my mind; I felt instantly vexed, and before it could get to my heart I told ‘im where to go: Sorry, bloke, even tho’ I’m still carting around your boring-er and boring-er *ss on my horse, Nelly has to stay outside in the cold rain, and you with her. Oof – bring on the Ball! Had a great time, with no more party-pooping visions.